userId int64 1 25 | jokeText stringlengths 41 2.27k |
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21 | Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby
Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver |
21 | A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.
The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.
The Judge suggests letting the boy li... |
21 | I dated a midget once
I was nuts over her |
21 | My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change!” |
21 | There was once a group of Friars
Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business.
The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. Thug after thug,... |
22 | A man is being pulled over for speeding...
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." ... |
22 | Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'
Mainly going to be a cover band |
22 | How does a Jewish person make beer?
Hebrew |
22 | A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"
The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/s... |
22 | If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...
If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother |
23 | "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "
Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars |
23 | An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”
God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.” |
23 | Superman is flying around the city,
horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The ... |
23 | The Next President..(old joke)
George W. Bush wants to secure his second term as a President, so orders his staff to make a research about other leaders of the world to find some useful information.
The staff looks around and sees that Hosni Mubarak of Egypt wins every election with 99% for the last 25 years. They thi... |
23 | "wife going to the london"
Wife : what gift do you want?
Husband: one british girl
"wife returns"
Husband : Where's my gift?
Wife: Wait for 9 months |
24 | Sandbox Humor
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teach... |
24 | A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.
(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)
Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?
His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.
Writer: Like what?
His boss: Well, ... |
24 | Mom and daughter action
A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.
After a few drinks together they decided to head ba... |
24 | So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.
The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,
“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!” |
24 | What's big, green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls on you?
A pool table |
25 | I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someon... |
25 | I visited my granddaughter last weekend.
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him. |
25 | Three Chinese Tortures
A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chin... |
25 | My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books...
But he’s only got his shelf to blame. |
25 | A New Zealand Joke
A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine ... |
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