userId int64 0 104 | jokeText stringclasses 275
values | rating int64 1 10 |
|---|---|---|
7 | Did you hear about the skywriter's autobiography? It was way over my head. | 6 |
7 | Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning. | 5 |
7 | As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough. | 4 |
7 | The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...
... United. | 3 |
7 | Nathanael: Knock, knock.
Cindy: Who's there?
Nathanael: Distressing.
Cindy: Distressing, who?
Nathanael: Distressing has too much vinegar! | 2 |
7 | What do you call a surprise party in India? Arranged marriage p.s. I'm an Indian living in India. | 1 |
7 | TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once
Whoops wrong sub | 3 |
7 | What's the other name for Game of Thrones? ( sex ) Dungeons and Dragons | 2 |
7 | BRIAN: Why was Cinderella kicked off the softball team?
GRAYSON: I don’t know. Why?
BRIAN: Because she kept running from the ball. | 1 |
7 | eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches | 3 |
7 | A PUNNY BOOK: “A Cat Delivering Presents” by Santa Claws. | 2 |
7 | There's been a lot of sexual assaults at a bread store in India The media's calling it the Rape of Naan King | 1 |
7 | My Chinese friend died last night So Yung | 3 |
7 | I refused to waste money paying an exorcist... so he repossessed my house. | 2 |
7 | Do your socks have holes in them? No? Then how did you get them on? | 1 |
7 | Brett: What do mummies like listening to?
Brent: I don’t know.
Brett: Wrap music! | 3 |
7 | Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked.. ...but that's rare. | 2 |
7 | WARPED WISEMAN WONDERS: “How come Madison Square Garden is a circle?” | 1 |
7 | I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters | 3 |
7 | Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America: Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers. | 2 |
7 | What did the peasant say when he went surfing in the Russian Revolution? Serf's up! | 1 |
7 | I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]
www.reddit.com | 3 |
7 | Communism sounds good on paper...
...unless you’re reading a history book. | 2 |
7 | If I was an origami penguin, where would I hide? | 1 |
8 | If you're a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversation? | 10 |
8 | Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler
So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!" | 9 |
8 | The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer. | 8 |
8 | I got the job even though I kept telling them I'm not a plumber. It took awhile to sink in. | 7 |
8 | Which side of a chicken has more feathers? The outside | 6 |
8 | What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. | 5 |
8 | You know what they say about prostitution? It's not really work if you love who you do. | 4 |
8 | What's worse than being 32 being turdy too | 3 |
8 | Jared: The world champion tongue twister just got arrested!
Laura: Really?
Jared: I hear they’re giving him a really tough sentence. | 2 |
8 | The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers... | 1 |
8 | I've recently invented a new gaseous compound I like to call 'Fuh'. I like to spray myself with it before I go out. It often causes people to Fuh-cough. | 3 |
8 | u can't pet a goldfish without taking it out of the water & even then it's not that satisfying for either party | 2 |
8 | Apparently the Bin Laden plane hit a Porsche, it's 911 all over again. | 1 |
8 | Andrew: Why did the football coach shake the vending machine?
Luke: I have no idea.
Andrew: He wanted a quarterback. | 3 |
8 | Are you looking forward to the Olympics? I am, they're going to be dope. | 2 |
8 | *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy | 1 |
8 | The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters
So Trump can't tweet it | 3 |
8 | Why should civil war be taken seriously? Because it's Syria's business. | 2 |
8 | A seal walks into a club And soon after an Inuit family has a nice meal. | 1 |
8 | What do you use to wipe off a table after breakfast? A ragamuffin. Knew it was a dadjoke as soon as I saw my 9 year old roll his eyes. | 3 |
8 | Damn girl, are you Reddit? Cus you repeat the same stupid shit over and ov-- Aww shit......... | 2 |
8 | Donald Trump asked if the Pope could hear his confession while in NY The Pope said he would like to, but he's on a busy schedule and he doesn't have all day. | 1 |
8 | Armin: Why was the football stadium hot after the game?
David: I’m stumped.
Armin: Because all the fans left. | 3 |
8 | It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...
Because then the man is left with only $0.22... | 2 |
8 | Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season. | 1 |
8 | DONALD: What do you call an alligator detective?
WILL: I don’t know.
DONALD: An investi-gator! | 3 |
8 | No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are. | 2 |
8 | Friends don't let friends make Harlem Shake' videos... | 1 |
9 | I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either. | 10 |
9 | Don't have phone sex... ...you might get hearing aids. | 9 |
9 | How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end. | 8 |
9 | Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher: "can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "see i told you not to worry!!!!". | 7 |
9 | GOLDEN: What has a head and a tail but no body?
DREW: What?
GOLDEN: A coin. | 6 |
9 | ENZO: What do you call a fairy tale made by a giraffe?
EMILY: What?
ENZO: A tall tale. | 5 |
9 | Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate. | 4 |
9 | (NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks | 3 |
9 | It's funny how trusting of bartenders we are. I wouldn't let my life-long best friend hold my credit card for four hours while I was getting bombed. | 2 |
9 | Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister
It tastes the same but it's just not right. | 1 |
9 | Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans | 3 |
9 | What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. | 2 |
9 | How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house. | 1 |
9 | Felix: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day?
Sam: I have no clue.
Felix: “I love you watts and watts!” | 3 |
9 | Why did the twitter army lose all their battles? Because they kept retweeting. | 2 |
9 | People that type in all caps are... Capitalists. | 1 |
9 | A Lion Air flight which overshot a runway in Bali crash landed in the ocean Saturday... and now it's just Lion there. | 3 |
9 | Why will the USA never go bankrupt? It will just host a telethon. | 2 |
9 | Why does Freud always have a cigar? Penis envy. | 1 |
9 | BlackBerry and Apple have come together to create a something for ladies who have trouble listening. It's been called the Black-i. | 3 |
9 | *gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it's not what it looks like! | 2 |
9 | There are 10 kinds of people: Those who can read binary, and those who can not. | 1 |
9 | Bin Laden released an audio tape about the Christmas underwear bomber. A month later. Where has he been, living in a cave? | 3 |
9 | Why is there so much tension in Iraq? They Haven't Broke the Isis yet. | 2 |
9 | I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive. | 1 |
9 | I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in. | 3 |
9 | Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber. | 2 |
9 | Parrot 1: Something smells fishy.
Parrot 2: That’s because we’re sitting on a perch. | 1 |
10 | What do you call a black guy having sex? RAPE | 10 |
10 | at the gym...what machine can i use to impress a lady??..gym instructor:try d atm machine by the road.. | 9 |
10 | Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pick up his Master's degree. | 8 |
10 | Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.
Then she noticed me so we went for a run. | 7 |
10 | Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from." | 6 |
10 | My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly | 5 |
10 | My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it. | 4 |
10 | Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.
Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob. | 3 |
10 | Have you been to /r/brucejennerspenis? I heard it was removed. | 2 |
10 | Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It's the ocean! That's where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too! | 1 |
10 | What does Japanese people do when they have erection?
They vote. | 3 |
10 | Just slept with a species from another genus.
No Homo. | 2 |
10 | Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, everyone who actually Read it. | 1 |
10 | What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs. | 3 |
10 | Jimmy: Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Jake: Why?
Jimmy: He doesn’t want to be spotted. | 2 |
10 | Economists say the recession ended last year. Good to know. I'll bring that up at the dinner table tonight over our single bean. | 1 |
10 | I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low? | 3 |
10 | One day when I was young......
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes. | 2 |
10 | If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets. | 1 |
10 | I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy" | 3 |
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