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did something happen with that guy from accounting? | he got caught napping in the supply closet |
so what happened with the coffee creamer thief? | turns out it was the boss the whole time |
wait, you're telling me you actually know office gossip? i thought you just drew on sticky notes all day | okay so jenna in accounting cried over a spreadsheet and steve just kept printing more copies |
did you finally figure out who's been stealing the good pens from the break room? | worse — it's the guy who always microwaves fish. got transferred. finally. |
oh no what's in the box? | old birthday cards and a pressed flower from some trip we took |
oh no, what did I miss? | some kid just tried to vape behind a tree and the wind gave him away completely |
So what are you gonna do about the roommate situation? | honestly thinking about just hiding my food in the car trunk now |
You going to confront them or just let it slide? | nah i'm gonna leave a note that just says really dude |
wait, what'd the dog do this time? | chased a leaf into a trash can |
so what's the latest dumb dog story? | got his head stuck in a cereal box |
so how'd you end up making an entrance like that? | oh god, you know, the whole thing just unfolded in slow motion. got there about quarter past six, all nicely dressed, carrying a bottle of wine i thought was a nice touch. rang the bell, margaret opens the door and her face does this thing — you know the thing — where she's trying to figure out if she forgot to invite ... |
did anyone else see you or was it just her? | oh it gets better. turns out their neighbor was out watering his lawn right when i was doing my little retreat. like a full theatrical exit. i'm backing away from the door saying 'no no, my mistake entirely, see you tomorrow' and there's this guy named phil just staring at me with his hose running. gave me this little ... |
Wait you got an email from a LAWYER? what does it even say? | nothing. just the subject line and a reference number. that's somehow worse. |
A lawyer email at 3am? did you open it or just let it sit there? | opened it. big mistake. now just staring at my dog chasing shadows like maybe that's my future. |
remember how you used to hold the phone away from your ear when your mom called freshman year? | yeah now i hold it so tight it leaves marks |
didn't you two used to talk through your whole walk to class? | now i can barely get through 'how was your day' |
you seem pretty wound up today — what's got you so jumpy? | oh i mean i've been trying to play it cool all day but honestly my hands are still shaking a little. see this? that's my third cup of tea and i haven't touched it. my son got me tickets — front row, right in front of the stage — for that band i've been babbling about since before he was born. the one i used to play on ... |
you're grinning like a kid who just found a candy bar — what happened? | you're not gonna believe this but my roommate managed to snag a pair of front row seats for that band we've been listening to every tuesday night for like forty years. forty years of me humming along off-key in the kitchen and suddenly i'm gonna be three feet from the lead singer who probably has gray hair now same as ... |
so you just checked your email and there it was? | yeah on my phone in line at the grocery store with like a bag of frozen peas and a lottery notification. didn't even know I still had the app. turns out I bought a ticket months ago at a gas station after a work thing and just forgot completely. so I'm standing there staring at this number thinking it's a scam or I mis... |
what did you do when you realized it was real? | just stood there in the checkout line with this frozen bag in my hand not moving and this lady behind me cleared her throat like three times. told the cashier sorry and went home and sat on the bed for like ten minutes. then I texted my sister a screenshot and she thought I was joking because apparently I have a reputa... |
so did you at least wake up before the applause or right after? | woke up to everyone pretending they didn't hear it |
was it one of those loud snorts or the gentle sawing kind? | more of a honk actually. real classy |
remember how you used to practice your interview answers in the mirror like a maniac? | oh my god the mirror thing. yeah that was something else. like talking to myself at 2am in the bathroom with a hairbrush as a microphone. and now i'm actually in. the one with the crazy low acceptance rate and the professor i emailed like six times never expecting a reply. i still have the acceptance email open on my p... |
didn't you once spill coffee on your application draft like the night before the deadline? | oh god don't remind me. the coffee stain is still on my desk. i had to rewrite half of it with wet fingers and a dying laptop battery. and now that disaster of a night led to this. like the universe was testing me with caffeine and bad luck and i somehow passed. still can't believe i get to study with the people whose ... |
you still thinking about that near-miss with the bus? | could still feel the steering wheel jerk through my hands |
that driver really got under your skin, huh? | swear the horn is still ringing in my ears |
hey did you finally crash or are you still running on fumes and bad coffee | pretty sure I've been running on fumes since tuesday actually. lost track of what day it is entirely. the coffee's not even helping anymore it's just... warm. |
so you gonna fall asleep in your pie or can you make it to the bed first | honestly the pie might win this round. my eyelids are doing that heavy thing and I don't even remember driving here. |
what are you gonna do if he still doesn't answer in another ten minutes? | honestly have no idea. like my brain's just cycling through the worst-case scenarios on a loop. part of me wants to call the school again even though I know they're closed by now. and the other part is like maybe he's just at a friend's house and his phone died which sounds reasonable but also I keep picturing him wand... |
what's your next move then, just wait it out? | pretty much yeah. I mean what else can I really do from up here. thought about heading back down to the car but then I'd just be pacing there instead of pacing here. and the signal's crap anyway so it's not like moving helps. my brain's just stuck on replay of all the times he's been late before and it was always nothi... |
wait so you're telling me the New York Times actually wrote about your thing? | c-couldn't even read the headline without spilling my coffee all over the counter |
how'd you even find out they ran the piece? | phone just started blowing up at six in the morning man i thought it was a wrong number |
no, what actually happened | well you know how these things go, I mean I was sitting there thinking about what I was gonna have for dinner later because the meeting was running way over and my stomach was starting to growl, and then I guess my eyes just got heavy and the next thing I hear is this awful sound like a lawnmower starting up and it's c... |
any idea where you'll have the ceremony? | honestly? the backyard sounds perfect. weeds and all. |
Wait you actually got the email? the one you were too scared to refresh for? | yeah i mean i literally thought it was a glitch at first because i'd been refreshing the portal for like three days straight and then it just shows up at 2:47 in the morning which is already suspicious but then i read the first line and my brain just stopped working like full reboot mode and now i'm sitting on this hot... |
did you call anyone yet or are you still just staring at the screen in shock? | oh i haven't called a single person because every time i try to form words they come out as weird squeaking noises like a dying balloon but also i kind of want to stay in this moment a little longer you know because it feels too good to be real and i keep thinking about that time i told you i'd never get in and you jus... |
what are you gonna do about that ticket then? | honestly don't even know where to start with it. like the meter was clearly broken and I took a photo of the flashing error screen and everything but apparently that doesn't count for anything. my dad's gonna lose it when he sees the fine and I'm just sitting here in this stupid waiting room with the weirdest laugh thr... |
any idea what your next move is with that? | probably gonna fight it online or whatever but ugh the thought of writing some formal appeal feels like homework I didn't sign up for. you know the worst part is there were three other cars parked exactly the same way and I was the only one who got tagged. like okay universe thanks for noticing me I guess. been googlin... |
remember that time you tripped over the sprinkler at the park? | yeah but did you see that last shot though |
did you even manage to walk the dog after all that? | barely. still buzzing. that was pure magic |
Who sent that package to the hotel? You look confused. | wrong name on the label but inside it's that vintage watch I've been hunting for months. completely random person's name. |
What's all that noise from the front desk? You were yelling. | guy's name I've never heard on the box. opened it anyway and it's the exact fountain pen I told you about. surreal. |
So you actually typed 'the end' and everything? | typed it and just sat there staring at the screen for a good five minutes. the cursor was still blinking like it was waiting for more. felt like the room was humming or something. then i closed the laptop and went to make tea. like that's the ritual after three years of wrestling with this thing — boiling water and wai... |
What did it feel like hitting that last page? | felt like getting the wind knocked out of you but in a good way. sat there with my hands off the keyboard and everything just went quiet. then i started laughing because there's this one character who's been giving me grief for like eighteen months and i finally got her to shut up. weirdest part is now i don't know wha... |
you're whispering — what happened with you two today? | well you know how marmalade's been bringing in leaves and whatnot, that's fine, cute even. but tonight right before bed i'm pulling off my boots and she comes trotting in all proud with this green snake dangling from her mouth. a live one. writhing and everything. i must have made some sound because my wife thought i w... |
wait what do you mean your cat brought a snake inside? | you're not going to believe this. we're winding down after that gorgeous hike and she struts in like she owns the place, which she does honestly, and drops this thing right on the rug. i thought it was a toy at first — one of those rubber ones you buy at the pet store — then it moved and my brain just short-circuited. ... |
you still waiting or did she bail? | just watching a pigeon try to steal a croissant. peak drama. |
hold on what do you mean | like a whole snake just dropped it on the rug and looked proud |
you okay? what went down? | dude nearly side-swiped me into a bus full of kids |
did anyone actually say something about it or just weird looks | cheryl asked if i'd had a long night. in front of everyone. |
how long were you out for though | enough that mark did a full reenactment at lunch. |
babe what are you gonna do after these shifts wrap up | sleep for like three days probably |
you think you can push through the rest of the week | don't even know what day it is honestly |
so you're out there on the balcony having a whole dramatic movie moment huh | the streetlights are just buzzing. nothing else. it's like the city's screaming at me but nobody's actually talking. |
bet you're missing your weird pillow collection about now | the traffic sounds like static in my head. and the walls here are too thin for this much quiet. |
wait what's got you grinning like that at three in the morning in a laundromat | okay so you know how dryer sheets make everything smell like fake flowers right — well what if that's just how clothes smell in the afterlife and we're all just walking around haunted |
you're staring at that dryer like it owes you money — what's going on in that head of yours | just thinking about how socks always disappear but like — what if there's a parallel universe where everyone's got a pile of lonely left socks and they're all mad at us for hoarding the mates |
oh no, did you find something cursed in there? | just my entire 2019 personality on a hoodie. |
please tell me you didn't try it on in front of the mirror | who me? absolutely not. twice. |
what's got you smiling like that this late? | my kid remembered i hate peppermint. told them once. |
you keep glancing at your phone — good news? | daughter texted about my weird avocado trick. she remembered. |
so what's been keeping you up lately? any weird stuff happening at the place? | oh man, you're gonna think i'm nuts but like - last night around two a.m. there's this scraping noise from the backyard right? and i'm telling myself it's probably just a branch or a raccoon or something but my brain immediately goes 'nope, that's definitely someone trying to get in' and i'm just sitting there on the c... |
you get spooked easily with noises at night? or you're pretty chill about it usually? | usually i'm fine honestly - like i've lived alone for years and never had issues but this new place has these old pipes that make this knocking sound every time the heat kicks on and it's got this rhythm that just feels off you know? and last night i heard what sounded like footsteps on the gravel driveway and i swear ... |
what's the plan for the speech? you got this right? | got this? i can't even hold the notecards without sweating through them. was up till like three just staring at the ceiling going over all the ways i could blank on her name or knock over the cake. uncle mark's toast is gonna be this polished thing and i'm over here with my voice cracking talking about the time we got ... |
you think you'll actually go through with it or just panic and hand the mic off? | honestly been weighing faking a coughing fit like ten minutes before. but then i see her face when she's walking down and i know i gotta say something. it's just the moment you know? that pause right after the applause dies down and it's dead quiet and every single person turns their head. my throat just closes up thin... |
you think you'll stay in that place or start looking around? | hard to think that far ahead honestly. the machines are just so loud in here and it's like the whole city does that same thing to my head. |
what's the plan for tonight then? anything good? | probably just sit in that apartment letting the fridge hum at me. you know how you can be surrounded by all this noise and still feel like you're the only person on earth. |
so you're just staring at the ceiling fan like it holds the secrets of the universe? | okay but that thing really does have a hypnotic rhythm. five more minutes and i'm gonna figure out the meaning of life or at least why hotel carpet always looks like that. |
did you just try to explain thermodynamics to a lamp? | it wasn't listening anyway. rude little fixture. but honestly the bulb gets warm and that's basically a metaphor for something i'm too tired to name right now. |
remember you said the couch cushions were starting to smell like the inside of a sneaker? | oh god don't even remind me. the laundry situation is apocalyptic at this point. there's like three loads of just tiny socks and pajama tops with that weird crusty kid-food stuff on the collars and i swear i washed the same load of towels three times yesterday because i kept forgetting to move them to the dryer. the ba... |
that time you said your coffee went cold before you could take a sip three mornings in a row—still happening? | yeah i don't even bother making it anymore honestly. what's the point when you know the second you pour it someone's going to start wailing from the other room like you're abandoning them forever. the mountain of laundry in the hallway is literally taller than the toddler now and i'm pretty sure there's a whole ecosyst... |
wait what happened—you okay? | just that moment when both grandkids need you at once and the washing machine's been running since Tuesday. your father says it's nesting instinct gone rogue. |
so what's your plan for tomorrow? you gotta get a break somehow | tomorrow's just more of the same honestly. the social worker said maybe next month for respite care so that's something to look forward to i guess. |
how do you even keep going like this? any tips for someone who might be heading that way | you stop thinking in weeks and start thinking in hours. one more hour, then another. the trick is not to look at the whole mountain, just the next step. |
you ever wonder if this is all just a dream? | god the ceiling in here still has those glow-in-the-dark stars |
what were you like as a kid, really? | terrified of the dark but too stubborn to admit it |
so you're actually in your old room right now — what's that like at this hour? | dawn light coming through these stupid curtains I picked when I was twelve. got up early and found my mom's old love letters in the closet. they're so corny I can't even. |
are you gonna do anything special for them today or just let them have their peace? | making them the same breakfast my dad used to burn on sundays — toast and eggs, the works. trying not to cry over the syrup bottle. they just look at each other the same way after forty years. |
you come here a lot? looks like you needed a break from something. | yeah something like that. inbox is currently at like a hundred and seven and every time I clear one three more pop up like some kind of hydra situation. |
working on a beach in january — that's a vibe. freelance life treating you okay? | treating me like a printer that's out of magenta and won't do anything else. three deadlines stacked and the only thing moving is the number of unread messages. |
so you look a little off today, what's eating you? | mom forgot my birthday yesterday. like full on forgot, sent a regular goodnight text. woke up to nothing this morning either so it's officially not a joke. |
did something happen with your family or are you just tired? | the birthday thing. she didn't even remember until i brought it up and then it was just 'oh right happy birthday' like i reminded her to buy milk. stings way more than i thought it would. |
wait what happened, you're texting in fragments | okay so this guy just sat down next to me eating a sandwich with full eye contact at nobody. like aggressively staring into the middle distance while chewing. i'm clocking his whole life story from his mismatched socks. |
hang on, you're laughing to yourself — what's going on | there's a pigeon doing laps around this one guy's feet and he keeps pretending not to notice. i'm literally narrating a whole nature documentary in my head. this is why i can't have nice things. |
you look like you're about to faceplant into that cake, cuz | three nights straight and i'd still pick the floor over this bounce house |
bet you're glad the party's almost over, huh | if i close my eyes for a second i might not wake up till next week |
So what happened when you finally asked them why? | they just stood there in the kitchen doorway like a mannequin. said it wasn't working and couldn't really explain why. i kept waiting for more, you know, the actual reason, maybe a fight we had, something i did. but nope, just that vague nothingness. so i started listing things, did i leave the toilet seat up, did i sn... |
Did they at least look sorry when they said it? | oh they looked plenty sorry, that's the weird part. had this sad little face like a dog that knows it's about to get yelled at. but sorry doesn't help, sorry doesn't tell me what i'm supposed to fix. i mean the checkout lady just scanned my milk and i almost asked her opinion. you ever think about how much of your life... |
oh no, what do you mean? | she just didn't wake up. i mean she was old, like really old, but you don't think it's gonna be today right? you think there's gonna be some sign or something, like she'll look at you a certain way and you'll know. but no, she just went to sleep under the porch like she was hiding from the world. i sat with her for an ... |
so what are you gonna do with it? | no idea but it's got my name on it now |
you gonna send it back or what? | hell no that thing's mine now |
so you just walked in and the whole place gave you a standing ovation, right? | more like a standing silence if i'm honest. even the beep of the scanner sounds wrong here. |
bet you've already got a fan club forming in the frozen food aisle | frozen food aisle's the only place that feels quiet enough to think. rest of it's just noise bouncing off tile. |
wait what happened with the leak? | oh you wouldn't believe it. came home yesterday and there's plaster and water all over my armchair. three weeks of asking nicely and that's what i get. |
so what did the landlord say about the ceiling? | haven't even heard back yet. left three messages and you know what, i'm about ready to just deduct it from the rent and see what happens. |
okay but what was that weird thing you said earlier about a dream you had? | oh yeah no so like i was dreaming i was a vending machine right and people kept putting coins in me but i wasn't dispensing anything because i was just holding all their change hostage and in the dream i felt so powerful about it and then i woke up and i was genuinely disappointed that i can't just trap people's quarte... |
you got that look on your face again, what is it this time? | okay so this is gonna sound stupid but do you think pigeons ever look at each other and just know they've found their soulmate like they're on a ledge somewhere and one pigeon is like that's the one and the other pigeon is like yeah i knew it too and they just nod and fly off together forever and i'm sitting here overt... |
wait, what happened? you look like you've seen a ghost. | lawyer's name popped up in my inbox. first thing this morning, didn't even have my glasses on. now i'm just sitting here stirring my coffee into a mud puddle trying to figure out what i could've done. |
you okay? you just about jumped out of your skin. | got an email from some law firm i've never heard of. subject line's all legal jargon, no hint what it's about. my heart's doing that stupid little flutter thing and i can't even enjoy my bacon. |
wait, you look kinda wrecked — what's going on with you? | got the email this morning, right in the middle of my ochem lecture. didn't even have the decency to wait until after class. been chasing this internship since last fall, did three rounds of interviews, made a whole mood board for the desk I'd have in their office, like pathetic level of planning. and they went with so... |
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