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MSP_POD_NLP

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i would love to... that's my next project.
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i guess it's not so much about like-
F
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"oh, which details to share?" but it is more about like, "okay, how do i make sure that i still have a kind of a personal self that feels different from my work self?" but that's hard because at the same time it's like-
X
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... and maybe people who are super into school and excelling in their studies feel that way or something. but-
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for me, there's some of that where i'm like, "oh, i have-
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... i have a career self." but again, because it started from my bedroom and as always felt very personal-
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... it doesn't feel like... it's like, "yeah, i can try to put up the wall, but then i would be getting rid of the-
X
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... element that makes it special." when i moved into a new apartment this year-
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... i was like, "i'm not going to have a desk when i come home, no work."
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"i'm just going to have a couch, tv, cereal, just those three-
U
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... things in an empty apartment."
H
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but then at some point i... there was a nice ikea desk out on the street in front of my place. [crosstalk 00:01:29] and i was like, "yeah." it was free and i was like,-
H
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"it's who i am." i don't know. i can't. i have to write when i wake up.
H
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i can't get to the coffee shop first. i-
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... not all of it has to be shared.
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Female
yeah.but i also feel like-
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i don't know. i just think... i'm writing something right now that i think is like a little book and it's really, really personal.
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i had a thing last week where it-
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i realized how much i wasn't including-
N
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... just cause i had created some division in my mind of like what was appropriate and what wasn't.mm-hmm (affirmative).and i was like, "what if i actually share-
N
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... exciting to me then-
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no, i think i understand that inclination.
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it's not that it's too personal because it's like, "not i was drunk-
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too personal." because i think it's embarrassing to admit to some of the ways in which i process the world, which is-
U
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... can be lonely or ugly or selfish.
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but then i was thinking about [miranda july 00:02:54]-
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... who i feel like she's someone whom i feel-
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... you could never, ever discussed because she would just like you more for putting it out there.
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talks and [inaudible 00:03:11]. i'm not a very-
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most people who know me would say that i'm emotionally closed off, but i won't get on stage and talk about some embarrassing shit. i will talk about it. and it's all very personal. in the moment-
H
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... it's so visceral. it feels so good to get it out-
H
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oh my god. i just let those people watch me process that.right.do i mean, and you get that sort of-
U
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... afterward sense of embarrassment, but that inclination to just-
X
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it's like get up and write something or say something that makes people relate to you, but also sort of maybe makes people-
X
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... think differently about something or... i don't know, i understand that so much.
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yeah. i also think that likability and relate-ability are really boring and i-
X
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... appreciate people being really candid and grow-
H
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... monstrous people. and i guess that line is different for everyone. but-
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... watching someone process something... i think that's generous to do that. at the same time, there are some people where i'm like,-
H
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"i never in my life want to hear another mark maron monologue.oh my god.
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so it's up to the audience to decide. i don't know. but i feel like that feeling is-
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... it's probably annoying to keep talking about this thing that i haven't even finished yet.
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but it's sort of like there was a first version of it and i was like, "okay, perfect, lovely."
H
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i know what it is. this occurred to me that i could write whatever i wanted. and-
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i was like, "oh yeah, don't you want to learn about yourself? don't you want to..." it's so-
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i feel like one of the goals in art is to get to a place where you don't know what you look like.yes. oh my god.and you're just so-
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... in it.yeah.and you run the risk of losing your self-awareness, and looking-
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... insane or any number of things.
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but, that to me is like... i have a deeply ingrained-
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... stubbornness about authenticity, and not being a coward, and-
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... earnestness conquering over sincerity or over-
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... irony. something like this, it's become very important to me.yeah. i think that's great. i mean, i definitely-
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anyone younger than me is interested in sincerity and earnestness, because i find myself getting tripped up in that a lot.right, right.
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read the marc maron thing. i think-
H
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... that's fascinating. and i think the reason that probably you and i and lots of people who aren't straight-
H
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... white guys are tired of that and why we find it fascinating in ourselves-
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... people of color, or queer people or whatever, it's because it's not a story that's been told. i listen to marc maron, and i'm like, "buddy, call me."
D
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... and then you can stop whining about it.yeah.
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do you know what i mean?i know.i'm a 29 year old woman who can literally just fix your wife.
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my friend wrote something [inaudible 00:01:56] on her tumblr about maggie nelson and a-
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... a little blurb about her book by wayne koestenbaum, where he called her a trespasser, and he was talking about who has a right to trespass. and i do, i mean-
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yeah, there is a lot more space for me to put it all out there and be unlikable and whatnot. so, that has to be taken into consideration. but i do think that that is why-
H
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... when marc maron gets into it, i'm just like, "you've been given too much time to think about these things."
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he's my dad's age. like, you're dating women my age and you're like, "why isn't this working? why is my life in shambles?" and like, "oh my god." i mean, but i have [inaudible 00:02:38] like-
H
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my agent is so much like me and she's like, "i love that he exposes it."
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i feel like people... i don't know, whatever. people feel differently about different things.
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oh my gosh.maggie nelson [crosstalk 00:02:51] from that book.yes. that book is incredible.
H
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it's not her new book, but a review of her new book about the argonauts that my therapist sent me to be like-
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why don't... it's about her and writers-
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... fearing what could happen to them if they really said what they wanted to say.
O
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i really liked bluets, because it doesn't lead with the juicy details of this relationship. but, i'm in a position where i'm like, "well-"
H
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... "if those details serve the ideas you're exploring, it feels like-"
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... to omit them out of a need.
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it's not like it's about him or just... i really don't want to publish something that's like, the juicy details that my-
D
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it's like, you can't... it's so hard to resist including everything, when it's illuminating the same bigger idea.yeah.
H
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and i think that, for me, bluets was a really brilliant sort of like meditation on... i mean, she's clearly speaking about something.yeah.but it felt-
H
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it felt more like she was talking about it from an angle of-
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perception and from an angle of loss. and i felt like-
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... yeah, like the relationship served as an illuminating thing for all of these other things that she wanted to cover in this obsession that she had and-
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i mean, it's so hard to write book blurbs. but i feel like boiling it down to being about a relationship is so-i know.it's such a naive reading of it.
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... in her writing.does it feel like-
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when you're doing stand up, the part of what helps with processing it and feel like-
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... you're able to share is like audience response or is it just kind of like happening, or? i mean-
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that's a kind of form that i have no insight into. i don't even know how you do that.
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that's the scariest thing to me.
F
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i've always been a real... for me-
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the combination of a performative aspect and a storytelling aspect is fun.
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i like to go to people. i like to be on stage. and for me it's like-
H
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i mean, i'm in my own head to a point. most writers i know are-
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she does in that sense is writing. before we went on she was like, "i'm so nervous".
H
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why? you're like one of the best conversationalist-
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think that that's weird. i mean, i have a lot of... i totally go through "am i a bad person because i like to be on a stage or i like to publish my work or i like-"
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i don't know. it's not... for whatever reason, your dna, the world, how you grow up, it builds you in this way-
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where you enjoy that and nothing about... you don't have to be like henry darger toiling away, and he was making paintings. that's also kind of sad and-
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well, because it feels like, i feel like it's sort of the same.
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it must be the same if you're a writer. i remember when i started doing comedy.
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the idea of... what was more scary than getting on stage? was telling people that i was a comedian.
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and i feel like lots of people i know who are writers are... unless they've been doing it for a long ass time, their first inclination is not to say "i'm a writer".
C
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i know. i think imposter syndrome is just really built into-
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sort of creative fields where-
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