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2021-10-12T16:14:03 | OP's girlfriend wants to go alone on an out of state camping trip with another guy | Relationships | **Original Title: My \[24 m\] girlfriend \[21 f\] wants to go on an out of state camping trip alone with another guy \[24 m\]**
*This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2bc160/my_24_m_girlfriend_21_f_wants_to_go_on_an_out_of/) *is by* [u/worried-boyfriend](https://www.reddit.com/user/worried-boyfriend/)*.*
So I love my girlfriend. And I do trust her, but every girlfriend I've ever had has cheated on me and I'm terribly insecure about her spending alone time with someone in a situation like this.
We have been together for 2 years now. I met her my senior year of college because my college town was her hometown. I moved up to her college town to live with her after I graduated and I found a great job there. For months she's been talking about us going to Maine to camp for a week for vacation with one of her best friends, let's call him Kyle, and his girlfriend.
I've never met Kyle since she lives 2 hours from him now, but she was very open with me when I asked her about him. He's been one of her closest friends since middle school. They liked each other for a bit throughout the years, and the summer after she graduated high school she had sex with him, but it never went anywhere because she was going to school and he ended up meeting his this girl (his current gf, let's call her Anna) soon after. They've been together since.
So I was all down for a couples trip. Well recently I found out the week they had planned I'm being sent out of state for business and can't take off, and now Kyles girlfriend can't go either so it will be just my girlfriend and Kyle, on the coast of Maine, camping and spending alone time together for a week.
I asked her what Anna thinks of this and she said she's only met Anna a few times, that she knows my girlfriend and her boyfriend had a sexual past, but that it's ok because she trusts him and knows how excited my girlfriend and him are to catch up and see a new state.
I want to tell her no, but I can't be that boyfriend. It's the only week she has off between summer and fall semester, and she said her friend Kyle is moving to North Carolina for a new job in September so she will probably not see him for a long long time. It wouldn't be fair to expect her to stay home her only week off from school because I have to go on a business trip either, but I can't help but feel it's unfair to me to run off with an old flame / current friend.
It just seems really off to me. I've never met this guy, I don't know his motives, and he's going to be sleeping with my girlfriend and our dog in a tent for a week.
How do I tell her I don't want to go alone together without being a controlling douchefuck? Thanks reddit.
**tl;dr: girlfriend planned a trip for her, me, a guy friend of hers and his girlfriend. I've never met him but know they fucked before I met her. Neither me or his girlfriend can go now and they still want to go, alone, together. Gives me weird feels and I don't know how to proceed without being a jerk.**
​
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2bj8z6/update_my_girlfriend_21_f_and_i_24_m_managed_to/)
So I was overwhelmed with responses, thanks everyone for the help! I decided to talk to her about my feelings and see how she dealt with them, telling her she needed to re expand it to a group trip and not share a tent alone with him. Here's how it went:
So she comes home, and she's so excited to show me the new climbing gear she bought for their trip. Great. I tell her we need to talk about the trip and Kyle, and she looks a little worried.
I prefaced the conversation asking more about her and Kyle's relationship. From what I gathered, they're closer than I thought, yet this actually reassures me. She was his rock when his dad died and he was hers when her best friend committed suicide. He has a place in her heart as a lifelong friend that no one else can fill, and I have one in hers as a lifelong partner that no one else can either. I have to suck it up and live with that. She seems to really like Anna, and Kyle apparently really likes me from their talks. They're happy the other found a great person and realized they weren't compatible anyways and only tried it out of a loneliness thing after both losing important people. I can live with that.
So I tell her I know it's impractical but I don't want her sharing a tent with him. She says that's fine, completely reasonable of me to ask, and just wants to make me comfortable. She says she can try and pack lighter in other aspects. Cool.
So then I tell her the trip itself makes me uncomfortable, and why doesn't she invite someone else. She mentions that's ok, she can invite her friend "Ally" who just got back from Colorado! They can just bring the 4 person tent again for them three an the dog if Ally wants to go. Oh, but, ally's a very hot, very promiscuous lesbian and was my girlfriends first sexual encounter. Hmm nope. Anyone else?
Oh yeah, her friend Taylor maaaaybe, but she'd be kind of a drag. Oh that's okay, you used to hook up with Taylor too.
At this point I realize it boils down to the fact that I am jealous, and I don't want my girlfriend alone with anyone who is attracted to her. Not because I don't trust her, but because i have this fucked up mentality that I have to prove myself and be there to claim her or something. If I want this relationship to work, I have to force myself to get over that. This trip will help.
So I tell her that, and she insists she doesn't have to go if I'm really that insecure. We can take baby steps and work on it together. No, I say, I want you to go. Enjoy your only week off, you earned it.
So we decided we are going to drive down there next weekend to Kyles. Were going to all hang out and properly meet, eat some dinner, drink some beers, play cards against humanity. Then Kyle and I will go out to the bars and get to know each other and her and Anna will do whatever they want to do. If I don't like him, I tell her and we will call it off. I think this will really help and make me comfortable.
In the end my girlfriends sexual past makes me uncomfortable but I'm sure mine from my fraternity days scares the shit out of her too. But just like I only have eyes for her now, I know it's the same. She's still not going to sleep in the same tent as him and said she can probably rent some single tents from the university outdoors club. Way cool!
You guys were all divided on whether to ask her to stay or let her go, but I think we found a good compromise to make us all feel better and still let her go.
**Tl;dr: told girlfriend it worried me, and she was way understanding and willing to do whatever/cancel to make sure I was comfortable, which only made me trust her. Worked out a compromise that we would hang out with Kyle and Anna beforehand and she will be sleeping in her own tent.**
​
[***FINAL UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2eub57/update_i_ended_up_letting_my_24m_girlfriend_21f/)
So we drove the 2 hours to Kyle's place so I could meet him and Anna. I was pretty nervous to meet this guy but he was actually really nice. We all hung out for a bit, pounded back some drinks, talked, played a card game. I payed a lot of attention to the dynamic between those three.
My girl had said she didn't know Anna too well but when she got there she ran up and gave them both a hug and you could swear her and Anna had been friends forever. Her and Kyle reminisced a lot about high school and caught up and Anna didn't look uncomfortable at all about their friendship.
So we're just hanging out for a while all getting to know each other and I had a good time. We get some pizza and our girls are already getting pretty drunk. Kyle and I decide to head out to a bar and our girls are going to go to some party since Anna had no clue where her ID was.
So we go and this kid is buying me drinks the whole night. Turns out we have a lot in common, and he felt like quite a kindred spirit. We talked about music and skating and had a pretty good talk. He told me he's proposing to Anna once him and my gf get back from Maine, and how excited he is to start a new life with her in another state and yadda yadda.
The drunker her got, the more he went on about how wonderful she was which was pretty nice I guess? He also talked a lot about how he's so sad we couldn't go anymore because he was looking forward to backpacking with us all and it just won't be the same without Anna there and how my gf says it won't be the same without me there.
At one point there was a group of these really drunk girls trying to talk to us and invite them to their place to hang out he pretty much told them to fuck off. When they left he went on about he hates sluts and the bar scene and how on earth could people possibly find a connection with someone in one night.
He tried to reassure me him and my girlfriend had no feelings for each other, and them hooking up was a really fucked up point in their life and he's upset he even jeopardized a childhood friendship to mix something like that in the picture at the time. That his dad had just died and he was fucking with heroin, that she had just lost her best friend to suicide and was self-harming, that they were fucked up, lost, lonely, and desperately trying to fill a void that really couldn't be filled at that point. He also told me he's really glad she found me and that I make her so happy and that he hasn't seen her so happy in his life. That he really cares about her so he's glad she's got someone who makes her light up the way I do.
So we go to another bar, both run into some friends and play some pool. This kid just kept buying shots against my request and I don't really remember too much after this. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night on Kyle's futon alone, rolling balls. It's like 4 am. I get up to use the bathroom, and to see where my fucking girlfriend and Kyle and Anna are. His bedroom light's on and I hear these really weird noises? Like gasping noises? I'm starting to worry.
Get off the futon, almost trip over Kyle who is passed out on the floor. Okay. Go into his bedroom, and there's my girl and his girl, in his bed..... You know where this is going right?
Yeah they're watching A WALK TO FUCKING REMEMBER and crying and holding each other and wiping tears from each others faces. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently we ended up going to this party after and meeting up with the girls and all doing a bunch of molly together. I think everything went better than expected?
When we got back home Anna and my girl were texting constantly about how they wished they live closer and it's so rare to find girls they get along with and all that shit. So I decide, yeah, I'm definitely going to let her go on this trip. And I did.
She ended up borrowing 2 single person backpacker tents from people in her university outing club she's friends with and off she went. I had a great time on my work trip. They stopped at an e-cafe once they got out of the woods to send us a big album of pictures and they looked like they had a lot of fun. They found this place on the coast where the sand was all black and my girlfriend brought some home for me as well as a really nice hand-made hunting knife she bought from some old biker dude they met. They even took the time to draw this big picture in the sand that said "We miss you "OP" and "Anna"!" which I thought was sweet.
I can say, I truly, honestly believe no form of betrayal happened from either party on that trip. This guy seemed like a really genuine guy when I visited. He posted pictures a few days ago of him proposing to his girlfriend, and even texted me that he can't wait to see me and my girl at the wedding next summer. Anna and my girl still text all the time and I really just find it hard to believe that a) my girl would do that to Anna and still be her friend now, b) Kyle would cheat on someone he wants to marry, c) that my girlfriend and Kyle did actually have feelings for each other still/real feelings ever, and d) that Kyle was lying to me. I know for certain that she would have told me if anything happened and I really just didn't get that vibe from these people. I could see why he was her best guy friend, he was a really genuine, giving soul.
I'm really happy that I got over my insecurities and trusted her. I think this has made me a lot more secure in our relationship and don't think this was an emotional betrayal at all. I've learned to let her have her own life a bit more and letting go has lifted a big weight off my shoulders. We're currently planning for a short winter trip to the Smokey Mountains over her Christmas break (just us), and I got my promotion and am taking over the office in October. Life is good!
**tl;dr: Met the guy and his girlfriend. Things went better than expected. Can say Kyle and I are friends now and my gf and Anna have gotten pretty close. I let her go on the trip and everything went fine. Reddit always assumes the worst.** | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q6poyz/ops_girlfriend_wants_to_go_alone_on_an_out_of/ | q6poyz | 13,107 | 2,235 | [
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2021-10-12T17:32:34 | OP tells his GF he'll marry her if she can beat Dark Souls | r/darksouls | **This is a repost, I am not the Original Poster.**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/darksouls/comments/ftfa8j/i_told_my_gf_that_i_would_marry_her_if_she_can/) by u/IceCreamYouScream92:*
It of course not serious, we are joking about these things, since we're 26 and 23 yo. She sometimes comes up with question, why didn't I ask her to marry me already since all of her friend are getting engaged or having kids? But it's a joke from her side too, we live together for 5 years now and we're currently trying to build our first house, and we agreed on the fact that wedding is not the most important thing right now and would change relatively nothing for us, besides the fact that it would cost lots of money which we don't have - we need them for the house.
But she just finished her Witcher 3 quarantine madness and needed a new game, and she knows that I have like 500hrs total in all From games, so she wanted to try it. I put on a joke about the ring, because I know she get so mad and ragey ... but last night she first tried gargoyles and also Lautrec and she said to me "I'm coming for that ring baby". She's more succesfull than I thought she'd be, of course I gave her some advices (about Lautrec, Uchigatana early etc.)
But I was thinking about it, and if it turns out she will love the game just like I do, maybe custom made engagement ring from Dark Souls woudn't be a bad idea after all? Which ring would you choose? Life Ring for obvious reasons? I like Darkmoon Ring from it's design, because it thin and ideal as engagement ring, but not so spectacular. She also really loves cats so I'm expecting her to wear Silver-cat ring all game... :D
*[Relevant comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/darksouls/comments/ftfa8j/i_told_my_gf_that_i_would_marry_her_if_she_can/fm783mp/):* It's not literally like a joke, we talk about this. We have actually picked our wedding rings and we know we want small wedding only with closest family. The thing is, there's so much shit to worry about while bulding the house, burreaus, permissions etc. so the last thing we want and have energy for is planning a wedding.
She knows I'm gonna ask her, it's just not the time now. I'm thinking like this : What's better than a finished house? When you finish your house AND you get marriage proposal in the same day... :)
**First edit:** The Ornstein/Smaugh progress has begun. 2 days and around 20 tries so far, still didn't beat them tho.
**Second edit:** Ok, it's like half a game for her, but game over already for me.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/darksouls/comments/fwgm96/5_days_ago_i_posted_about_my_gf_whos_trying_to/):*
https://imgur.com/a/eFGD8YS
It's getting serious now. Time to make some preparations I guess ... :D
*[Last update](https://www.reddit.com/r/darksouls/comments/g77cij/my_future_wife_just_beat_dark_souls_and_won_the/):*
So first things first, she did it. It took her some time, but most of it because she had to retrace lot of her steps and revisit areas multiple times, because she tends to overlook and miss things. But on the other hand, she sliced trough bosses like knife trough butter. So she managed to finish Dark Souls with all the optional bosses, including DLC and that means one thing, and one thing only - she's the one.
So now it's my turn in the bet. I told her, that if she could beat Dark Souls, I'll marry her. This was of course no serious condition and we made this bet out of fun. Nonetheless, the fact that were getting married was clear long before this, so nothing has changed really for us. In previous posts I was thinking about getting her custom made Dark Souls ring as an engagement ring, specifically ring of Favor and Protection - because of it's description and lore ... but then I decided to do something little bit different. She told me already what kind of ring she'd like and from which jeweler, so I want to propose properly with this ring (which would be impossible to get right now because of the lockdown anyway). So I decided to get her replica of FaP ring for now, as a token for beating the game, symbol (of Favor and Protection, haha) and some kind of promise ring if you want. It's one of those $3 cheap trinkets from China, but I think it doesn't matter.
So everything worked out very well, she finished Dark Souls and I intend to keep my promise and got her a Dark Souls ring in the meantime. Plus, we had great fun together when she played the game, and she's definitely hooked now since she spontaniously started DS2 right away.
Now just to convince her to name my son Solaire and were done for life.
And they lived happily ever after. | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q6rcm4/op_tells_his_gf_hell_marry_her_if_she_can_beat/ | q6rcm4 | 4,628 | 764 | [
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2021-10-12T17:47:14 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q6rn31/deleted_by_user/ | q6rn31 | 9 | 537 | [
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2021-10-13T02:50:10 | Crush said "You're a handsome boy just like your daddy!" to my cat | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost, I am not the original poster.
Mood update: >!happy!<
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q4w8i8/crush_said_youre_a_handsome_boy_just_like_your/)
If you want the short of it my crush said to my cat while pet sitting "You're a handsome boy just like your daddy." and I do not know what to do
I (32M) befriended a coworker (31M) we have been friends for around three years. He is very outgoing and has many friends, so I assume he is just a nice guy and isn't interested in me the same way I am with him. Still, we get coffee every Tuesday and Thursday morning and interact outside of work. Examples of this are dinner, coffee, trivia, and general conversation.
After we got to know each other a bit better and truly became friends he had the privilege to meet my cat, who's name is Prince. He is an orange tabby cat with a lot of fur and fluff. My friend instantly starting fawning over him and talking about and showing me pictures of his old cat named Pinto Bean who tragically passed away five years ago.
Now onto the event in question. I recently went on a trip with my mother to visit some cousins out of state. We planned to be gone for about four days. I decided to ask my friend to pet sit since he loves Prince and unlike my other friend he is an experienced cat owner. I warned him about how I had some cameras in my house and he said he wasn't bothered by them and if I wanted to check in on how things are going that would be okay with him.
I was very grateful for this and offered to pay however he said spending time with Prince was payment enough. So I gave him the rundown of Prince's schedule, where his food is, his favorite toys etc. I mentioned that if Prince is shedding and leaving a lot of hair around then he could brush him, only if he wanted to. He said he would but I still decided to give Prince a good brushing before I left.
On the third day of the trip he texted me saying he was going to try and brush Prince. He loves being brushed and will roll over and let you even brush his tummy, but he has never been brushed by anyone other than me so I was a little worried. I tried to ignore it, but after a few minutes I decided to check on the camera to see how he was doing with him.
I could see at the edge of the screen where they were sitting and could hear them easily. I only checked for a few seconds but that was all that was needed.
I am not sure wether it was the Lord or Satan that caused this coincidence but that is when I heard my friend say in-between his other compliments to Prince "Aww you're such a handsome boy, just like your daddy! Uh huh aren't you a handsome boy!"
My heart stopped hearing that. I still can't stop thinking about it. Does this mean anything? Could he possibly be attracted to me the same way I am to him? I know he is bisexual but perhaps I am being too hopeful and this is a normal thing to say to your friends cat. What would you do in my situation?
Edit: I want you all to know I plan on complimenting him and seeing how he reacts. If it's positive I will try and ask him out to dinner in person but if I get too anxious I might just do it over text. However the consensus is that I should ask him out. I will wait to see how things go on Monday and take it from there.
I am very overwhelmed by the positive responses I did not think that this many people would be cheering me on or that this would ever be posted elsewhere. So thank you and I promise if I do ask him out to make an update since so many of you are asking for that.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q6w2av/update_crush_said_youre_a_handsome_boy_just_like/)
If you want the short of this one, since it is very very long, I asked out my crush and he said yes.
Based off of the many comments I received I decided to take your advice and test the waters before deciding if I should ask him out. On Monday I went with basic compliments on his appearance, since I thought this would be the safest to do. He seemed very pleased especially since I complimented his hair as he was surprised because he "Didn't do much" to it that morning. He also complimented my outfit as well and said the color of my shirt suited me. This made me keep thinking about his comment to Prince which in turn made it hard to stop smiling. Another one of my coworkers even asked me "What are you grinning so much about?" which was embarrassing to say the least.
So then I decided Tuesday to do what someone else suggested which was expressing how much I enjoy his company. I ended up doing this when we got coffee this morning. He responded to this very positively he said "I feel the same" and also "I will always make time to get coffee with you." Normally I would assume these comments were him being polite, however, I kept re-reading your comments in my head and it was making me a hopeful and nervous mess.
Later I thought back on his responses and was pondering if I should ask him out or test the waters more. Someone suggested something physical like putting my hand on his arm. However, the thought of doing that made me so nervous I knew I wouldn't be able to execute it well.
So I ended up taking a leap of faith and decided to ask him out. There are many encouraging comments saying I should do it. There are also others explaining that even if he rejects me then there is a high chance our friendship would stay intact. The only problem was wether or not I tell him about overhearing him on the camera.
I decided that I would ask him out without mention the camera. My reasoning is that if he was not interested in me then there is a chance he could see me as a creep and hate me. If he didn't reject me then perhaps I could tell him later and hope that it wouldn't ruin anything between us.
This is probably not what you all want to hear but in the end I decided to text him. I thought about the creative suggestions you commented but I realized a text would be the easiest to handle for the both of us if he rejected me.
I tried not to come off too strong and just say that I have feelings for him and was wondering if he would like to go out with me sometime. In hindsight this was the best choice as while typing my message my hands were shaking. Silly as it is I also had to briefly close my eyes to hit the send button, Lord only knows what I would have done asking in person.
When he finally responded I felt like my heart was going to explode. I had to convince myself to look at his message. He responded saying
"Of course, I'd love to!!"
He then sent many other messages asking me if we should get dinner, if so where, what day, etc.
I was still reeling over the fact he not only said yes but he said he would love to. I know it is strange to get hung up on his wording in a 5 word response. However he could have said "I would like that" or "that sounds fun" but no, he said he'd love to. It is cliche but I do feel as if my whole world has stopped. In my emotional state I went over and picked up Prince and showered him in kisses and gave him many treats as thanks for unknowingly creating this.
I will also add that after we texted for a while figuring out the logistics of our date he did confess that he was thinking of asking me out earlier. However, he was not one hundred percent sure if I was interested in men, so I suppose some of you were right about that.
So that is the end of my update I am sorry for the length of it. All in all thank you all for convincing me to do something I felt like I would never have the courage to do. I never understood why so many people ask for advice on these things but I understand now.
I will also add that I did not know what "Cat Tax" meant and had to Google it and I have learned that you want pictures of my Prince. So here is a link to pictures of him. Let me know if you can see them.
[Cat tax - photos of Prince](https://imgur.com/gallery/6sCRUB8)
[NEW UPDATE Dec 2021!](https://www.reddit.com/user/CatDadAdvice/comments/qlyz9h/how_my_date_went/)
I wanted to make this quick and final update since a few people were invested in how my date went and if I told him about overhearing him on the cameras.
I won't go into much detail but the date was wonderful. We have had a few more dates and plan on having more in the future. It's almost as if all of our previous evening plans as friends have now turned into our date nights. It is very wonderful.
As for overhearing him on the camera it came up because he asked me what made me want to ask him out. I did not want to lie to him and I did not want to ignore his question, so I was honest and told him. I tried to phrase it the same as my first post since many of you did not think that was creepy.
To my surprise he started laughing and said "I can't believe that actually worked." Apparently while pet sitting he had said many other compliments about me hoping I would overhear him on the camera. However he never thought I would actually hear him. I was relived and very happy to know what other nice things he said about me.
All in all things are going well with me, my partner, and Prince. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words I had no idea this many people would be rooting for me and happy for me. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q71x0q/crush_said_youre_a_handsome_boy_just_like_your/ | q71x0q | 9,281 | 1,497 | [
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2021-10-13T04:24:05 | AITA for returning roommate's dog to the shelter? | AITA | This is a repost originally made by u/ThrowRA
Spoilers for mood >!happy!<
[Original](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q6o89s/aita_for_returning_roommates_dog_to_the_shelter/)
A few months ago my roommate decided he wanted to get a dog. I and my other roommates were fine with it, and I was excited I gave suggestions for a good fit for lifestyle and helped him search. I knew I didn't have time for a dog, but I was eager to reap the benefits of having one in the house that wasn't my responsibility. My roommate and I agreed that he was best fit for a low energy adult dog that was small/medium due to space.
Then he came home with a german shepherd mix from a shelter-- 6 months old, large, and very energetic. She was untrained and had separation anxiety. I did my best to help, making suggestions like getting her a crate so she could have her own space and could go in there when everyone was gone. I picked up food for him after my roommate ran out of what the shelter gave him and forgot to get more. I even exercised her when she got to be too much, taking her on walks or throwing balls. That was probably my mistake, because almost immediately my roommate stopped doing anything for her.
He basically abandoned the dog to me. He wouldn't buy her toys, wouldn't exercise her, wouldn't even come home to feed her or let her out after work! I talked to him several times, tried to get him involved, and tried to step back. But my other roommates were too busy and this guy would do nothing, if I didn't feed her, she wouldn't eat. If I didn't exercise her, she'd destroy the house and annoy everyone until someone shoved her back in her crate. It got to the point where my other roommates would come to me if they had issues with her, instead of the her "owner".
Juggling classes and a fulltime job, I was running myself ragged for a dog I didn't even want, so I gave my roommate an ultimatum. Take care of the dog, or I would take her back to the shelter. My roommate laughed and said sure, and the next night I stayed in town after work to eat out with friends instead of going home to take care of his dog like usual. I got home around 11PM. The poor dog was in her crate COVERED in urine and poop. He hadn't been home ALL day and clearly not let her out to go potty or fed.
I was furious. The next day I returned the dog to the shelter. I told them what had happened and showed them the pictures of the night before. They called my roommate and told him they had reason to believe neglect and were enforcing co-ownership to take the dog. My roommate was furious, the rescue blacklisted him from adopting from any of their locations. When I got home he shouted at me saying it wasn't fair and I should have told him I was serious instead of stealing the dog. My other roommates, while happy the dog is gone, agree that it was an AH move to move so fast and not to have made sure he knew I was serious.
TBH, I thought I gave him plenty. I talked to him several times about stepping up and caring for the dog, and I didn't give him the ultimatum like it was a joke, he's the one who laughed it off. But, maybe I'm missing something. AMITA?
[Update](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q6o89s/aita_for_returning_roommates_dog_to_the_shelter/hges7yt/)
not sure if anyone will see this, but I wanted to get out there that after chatting with one of the non-dog owning roommates things have adjusted a bit around the house. She happened to see this post and recognize the situation, and wanted to apologize for not having sided with me. Like many of us do, she believed the first story she was told, which was from our horrible roommate and not me. Apparently he told her that I had told him I was joking when I gave the ultimatum, and told him I liked helping out with the dog and wanted to continue. With emotions high and our roommate highly angry, she was scared to disagree and told me she didn't think it was fair for me to not give better warning when he insisted she and our other roommate give our opinions. And afterward, she just wanted to hide and not be involved.
Since then, seeing my side of the story, she says she feels awful and realizes this is a flaw she should work on (not believing the first story she hears). We've actually grown a bit closer through this, and we're talking about finding a place without the other two once our lease is up in January.
I did call the shelter and ask about how the dog was and if our roommate would be able to go to other shelters to adopt, and they said they have contacted all the other local shelters to let them know, and he will not be approved for any adoptions within a good radius of our town or from any of their places nation-wide. The good news is, the dog is doing okay and is already back to harassing people to play with her. :) | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q73g5y/aita_for_returning_roommates_dog_to_the_shelter/ | q73g5y | 4,849 | 1,136 | [
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2021-10-13T11:27:56 | OP [24F] asks for advice because her GF [19F] won't answer the phone -- the Lauren saga starts -- | Relationships | **This is a repost, I am not the Original Poster.**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/31xz16/my_gf_19f_of_five_months_is_wont_answer_her_phone/) by u/throwaway1431552:*
My GF (let’s call her Kathy) is off at college. She lives in a dorm on her campus, which is an hour and a half away from my house. She comes to visit me on weekends. A bit rough on gas budget, but it works for us. We actually met at college, she was a freshman and I was a Senior+ taking a couple final classes to fulfill my credit requirement so I could graduate. I finished last semester and she’s still going. Long distance hasn’t been an issue so far, we just text a lot and spend the weekends making up lost time. She’s the sweetest, most easygoing person I know.
But today, something weird happened. We normally text throughout the day. We texted during the morning, then she had class so I stopped for a couple hours. Normally she texts me at lunch, but she didn’t. I texted her and she didn’t respond. I figured maybe she was busy. I texted her a couple times an hour later when she normally studies. Nothing. I started getting worried at dinnertime. I called her and she didn’t pick up, which is really unusual for her. I started texting things like “Are you okay?” and “Please pick up.”
She didn’t answer, so I started searching through my desk for my address book to find the numbers for her friends. I figured maybe her phone was dead or broken. But while I was searching, I finally got a response from her phone. It was “im okay sorry my phone was on silent…”
But Kathy doesn’t text like that. She texts with capitals and complete sentences with normal punctuation. And she adds smiley faces to every single text, which I tease her about all the time. I texted “Are you sure you’re okay?” and she said “everything’s fine [my name]...” That really caught my attention, because Kathy exclusively calls me by a nickname. Most of my friends do. So I dug out my address book and found the phone number of Kathy’s roommate Lauren. I texted her, “Hey, this is Kathy’s girlfriend. Do you know if she’s okay?” She responded immediately with “she’s fine she’s right here in our room with me…” No capitals or punctuation, ending the sentence with an ellipsis just like Kathy’s weird texts. I think she was the one sending texts from Kathy’s phone. I called Kathy’s phone again and whoever has her phone rejected the call before it was done with the first ring.
I got another text from Kathy saying “seriously [my name] stop worrying about me ill talk to you later…” followed by “goodnight.”
Am I just being silly? I feel something really weird is going on but I don’t know what it could be. I don’t think she’s cheating on me. From what she’s told me about Lauren she seems like a totally normal person. I don’t have any specific suspicions, I just feel like something’s gone wrong and I don’t know what to do. Should I badger Kathy’s phone until she actually calls me or someone tells me what’s going on? Should I just let it go? I’m at a loss here. I don’t want to be the weird clingy girlfriend but this seriously isn’t like her.
tldr; my GF away at college won’t answer her phone and all her texts are in the style her roommate uses and not the way she actually texts. Am I being ridiculous or should I keep trying to contact her?
**Edited update:**
Hey guys. Thanks for the responses, it calmed me down some. The situation has changed, now I need more advice.
This morning I did what I always do as part of my morning routine, I texted Kathy. I'd nearly forgotten about yesterday. After 20 minutes of no response, I broke down and tried calling her. The call wasn't even rejected, it went to her voicemail. I left a short message asking if she was still planning on coming over this weekend. I decided to take your guys advice and leave her alone from then on. I still felt like something was wrong, but I figured maybe I was misreading it and she just needed space. I tried to focus on work stuff. Stuff's going on in my personal life, but it is still a Thursday.
And then, at about half past noon, I got a text from a mutual friend of me and Kathy, Ben. The exact words: Ben: "Hey, [my nickname]. How are you holding up?" Me: "What do you mean?" Ben: "I mean, with Kathy." I called him immediately and asked what was going on, because I couldn't get ahold of Kathy. There was like five seconds of just stunned silence and then Ben dropped the bomb. Kathy is in the hospital.
I tried to interrogate him but he didn't know much, just that she was having some kind of emergency and couldn't take visitors. He said he had heard it from her roommate this morning. He apologized because he legit thought I already knew. He was actually texting me because he wanted to know if there were any updates.
I called Kathy and got voicemail. I called Lauren and got another instant rejection. I called her parents house and finally got someone. Her father said that a nurse had called early that morning and her mother had gone out there to see her. I tried to ask more questions but her father really doesn't like me and refused to tell me anything or even give me Kathy's mom's cell number. I've texted a couple of her friends, but like Ben, they couldn't tell me anything.
So my girlfriend is in the hospital and that is literally all I can find out about the situation. She's been there since yesterday (afternoon? That's what Ben guessed) and she's still there today and still hasn't contacted me in any way.
What do I do? Do I drive out there? We've only been dating for five months. I have no idea how serious this is. It's a 1½ hour drive. And I still don't know why her roommate went out of her way to hide this from me! Does Kathy not want me to know she's in the hospital for some reason? And even if that's the case, why couldn't she just lie to me herself? Or did her roommate go crazy and hurt her and that's why she's in the hospital and now her roommate is trying to cover it up? Everything is so frustratingly vague. I feel lost. Any advice or insight is appreciated right now.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/35monc/my_gf_19f_of_five_months_wont_answer_her_phone/):*
Hey, Reddit. Sorry I was gone so long. Lots of stuff has been happening. I’ll try to summarize here, and I’ll put the [full story](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/35monc/my_gf_19f_of_five_months_wont_answer_her_phone/cr5tbum/) behind the first post in a comment.
Kathy had a seizure in class, went to the hospital, told Lauren not to worry me and Lauren misinterpreted it as telling her to lie to me. Ben tracked her down and told her off. I went out and stayed in a hotel and visited with Kathy and also found out from her mother what was going on. She has a rare genetic disorder which I won’t name because that would pretty much instantly identify her. Her mom is warming up to me, even if her dad still kinda hates me. Kathy got out of the hospital after a couple weeks but has to keep going in for checkups on the regular to make sure it’s under control.
Kathy’s recovered mostly. She isn’t supposed to do strenuous activity, but she’s doing good and managed to do well enough on her finals to make up for the work she missed and pass her classes. She apologized for the whole thing, for not telling me about the genetic disease and for saying something that Lauren misinterpreted as “lie to her”. I’ve forgiven her completely, I absolutely don’t think it’s her fault that any of this happened. I don’t even really blame Lauren for the first few lies to me, she was under a lot of stress and didn’t know what was going on. I do absolutely blame her for continuing to lie after she found out I was Kathy’s girlfriend and for the awful text she sent when Ben confronted her, (“hey i’m really really sorry but kathy is in the hospital and its bad she told me not to tell you sorry bye”) because what the fuck. But I was willing to put that behind us because I’m not going to interact with Lauren much.
And then Lauren went insane.
Lauren started sending me texts begging me to talk to her and let her apologize. I finally relented and let her take me out for coffee, and she all but threw herself at my feet and said she knew she fucked up and asked for my forgiveness. I awkwardly accepted and she thanked me profusely and we parted ways. Kathy moved out of the dorm and moved back into her parents house. I thought everything was over. And then Lauren found out that Kathy doesn’t intend to ask for her as a roommate next year. And shit hit the fan.
Lauren started blowing up Kathy’s phone, demanding to know why Kathy hated her and saying that she had already apologized for everything and why was she being so cruel and unforgiving and just generally making Kathy feel like shit. I called her intending to ask her to stop, and she started sobbing over the phone and told me she has a crush on Kathy and a crush on me and she can’t bear never seeing either of us again and to give her another chance. I was really startled, so I think I just stammered out something about how I forgave her but she needed to stop harassing Kathy. She worded it vaguely, but I think she agreed. I hung up. She did stop incessantly texting Kathy’s phone, so I thought it was over again.
Now today Ben texted me asking if Kathy and I had broken up. I told him no and asked where he got that from, and he said that Lauren is telling everyone, including a lot of our mutual friends, that Kathy and I weren’t together anymore and Lauren was dating me long distance.
I have no idea how to react to this. Lauren seemed like such a normal person, and now she’s doing this shit. I told Kathy, and she said it seemed really out of character for Lauren and looked worried. Lauren lives far away, in a different part of the state, so we’re probably never going to run into her again if we don’t want to, but she lives near a bunch of my college friends who I did intend to keep in contact with. Kathy and I hung around in the same circles, and after I graduated she would sometimes bring Lauren with her to events because Lauren didn’t seem to have a ton of friends. So Lauren knows all of these people and I’m sure she’s talking to them. I don’t know if I should clear it up or just try to ignore her or meet with her and hash this out or…? I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
*The last [update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/36waf7/my_gf_19f_of_five_months_wont_answer_her_phone/) was removed and I couldn't bring it back with reveddit or the wayback machine, but [this is the continuation of the story](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/36x50g/michigan_friendofafriend_is_obsessed_with_me_and/) on r/legaladvice:*
Lauren (fake name) was roommates with my current girlfriend Kathy (fake name) in college. College is now out, and Lauren lives about 3ish hours away from Kathy and I but near a lot of our mutual college friends. I barely know her. Over the past month Lauren has started to become obsessed with both me and Kathy, especially me. I still do not know what incited this. She found out that Kathy was not going to request her as a roommate again come Fall and started spamming Kathy's phone with texts, calling it a betrayal of their friendship. Kathy was very uncomfortable with it and is bad with confrontation so I called Lauren up and asked her to stop harassing Kathy. She broke down crying and said that she had a crush on me and also had a crush on Kathy, but when I pressed she did agree to stop contacting Kathy. The texts stopped, so she at least respected the request.
Then a mutual friend told me that Lauren has been spreading around the idea that she's dating me. Kathy and I got together and called her on speakerphone and Kathy asked her why she was doing that. Lauren tried to convince Kathy that I really was dating Lauren. Her story was that I'd told Lauren I'd broken up with Kathy, and if I actually hadn't then I was a liar and cheating on Kathy with Lauren without Lauren's knowledge. But Kathy kept pushing and eventually Lauren had a meltdown and started admitting some horrible things about how she's been treated like shit by past boyfriends and now she's trying to become a lesbian. Kathy suggested she get therapy and Lauren screamed that she wasn't insane and hung up. That's the last actual interaction with her either of us have had. She will not answer her phone. This was about 10 days ago.
Two days ago, Lauren drove three hours from her house to my parents' house and convinced them to let her in. She told them that she was my new girlfriend and they thought it was weird but let her in and she had dinner with them. She was (supposedly) friendly and perfectly pleasant to my parents, talked the whole time about how great I was and how she was dating me, and left without incident. She didn't do anything wrong, but I still find it terrifying that she somehow tracked down my parents' address and took a 6 hour round trip just to try to convince them she's dating me.
This is really freaking me out. Lauren seemed like such a normal person from Kathy's descriptions in college and the couple times I met her, and that's how she comes off to everyone else, too. A lot of people have started giving me weird looks and implying that I'm the one lying when I deny that I'm dating her now. She hasn't made any threats, she stopped contacting me and my girlfriend when I requested it, she hasn't come near me personally. But she drove for three fucking hours to try to convince my family that she's dating me. Does this qualify as harassment or stalking? Can I get a restraining order? I'm afraid of what she'll do next, but I don't know if I have enough of a case to take any preemptive action against her yet. And I'm very afraid it won't be taken seriously because all of the people involved are women. I've heard horror stories about the police disregarding harassment and even sexual assault in the lesbian community. I'm losing sleep over this. Please help. Thank you.
*No more updates were posted* | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q793wb/op_24f_asks_for_advice_because_her_gf_19f_wont/ | q793wb | 14,116 | 1,414 | [
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2021-10-13T16:07:12 | My dad's girlfriend is trying to get rid of me | Relationship_Advice | **Original Title: My dad's (43) girlfriend is trying to get rid of me (15 f)**
*This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hz8rlm/my_dads_43_girlfriend_is_trying_to_get_rid_of_me/) *is by* [u/ThrowRAevlstepmom](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAevlstepmom/)
My mom passed away 5 years ago and I think of her every day. My dad went through a really bad depression and I had to take care of myself basically.
During the Christmas holidays my dad told me that he had been seeing someone for a while. I noticed that he was happier and I guess I was happy for him. I didn't want him to be lonely forever but I did feel like my mom was being erased completely. He never wanted to talk about her and he got rid of all pictures with her in them. He said that his gf will be spending Christmas with us and then moving in. I wasn't happy at all. I don't even know her but I didn't say anything.
I met her on Christmas and usually my dad and I put the star on the tree that day. We would put the star on the tree and watch the grinch. It's our tradition and we kept it even when we were grieving my mom. It's the only tradition from when she was with us that we actually kept. When his girlfriend came over he put the star on with her while I was in the bathroom. Also we didn't watch the grinch because she hates it. I know I sound spoiled and childish but I was so angry. We've been doing this my whole life and she just came in and destroyed it. The whole night she didn't even bother getting to know me at all. She was all over my dad and pretty much ignored me. I told my dad about how upset I was about our tradition and he said I should grow up and that things change.
I didn't like her because she gave me a bad feeling so I never got close to her. She complained to my dad about it and he got mad at me for not making her feel welcomed. I felt bad because she makes my dad really happy so I tried being more friendly with her.
In front of my dad she was nice to me but when we were alone she ignored me or spoke to me with attitude. She even told me that I was a brat and I make my dad's life harder. I told him but he didn't believe me and yelled at me for trying to sabotage his relationship. He said that I wanted him to die alone and be sad and that I was selfish. I was so shocked because none of it is true. My dad basically treated me like I wasn't there at all after that. I felt like I did when my mom died, all alone.
I stayed up really late one night because I just couldn't sleep and wanted to sneak in a midnight snack. The gf was in the kitchen on facetime so I decided to be nosey and listen. She was talking about my dad and how much she loves him. Then she said that he had "this dumb daughter" and she wondered if it was too late for adoption. Her and her friend laughed at that. She said that I was a little b\*tch and she hated me. Her friend then said something about boarding school or military school but I left so I didn't hear the rest.
I was so exhausted from all the crying I did so I actually slept. I didn't tell my dad and I don't even know if I should since he probably won't believe me. I really miss my mom. I kinda want to go live with my grandparents (mom's parents) now but I don't want my dad to think that I'm leaving him.
What do I do? Can I even do anything? How do I get my dad to listen to me? Would I be wrong for leaving?
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i76nal/update_my_dads_43_girlfriend_is_trying_to_get_rid/)
Hi! Since my last post I spoke to my grandparents and told them everything. I asked if I could stay with them if I wanted to and they agreed. I then spoke to my dad again and tried to tell him how I felt and what I had heard. I didn't want to film or record because I knew that he would be mad at that and wouldn't listen. He didn't believe me again and thought that I was jealous of having to share him with someone else. I got upset and told him that I was leaving so he could live happily ever after without the burden of having me around. He looked shocked but didn't say anything.
I had already packed my bags and had brought some things to my grandparents house already. My dad didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. My grandfather picked me up and I've been there since. I haven't gone home and I haven't heard from my dad. My grandparents told me that they would handle my dad and that I shouldn't have to be the one doing it.
I'm upset that my dad hasn't called or texted me once to see if I'm ok. At the same time I'm feeling so much better being with my grandparents. My grandmother is probably the sweetest person ever and my grandfather is a little rough around the edges but he's really a softie.
&#x200B;
[***FINAL UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ibccth/update_to_update_my_dads_43_girlfriend_is_trying/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
My dad came to visit me at my grandparents place to talk to me. He brought his girlfriend with him. He said: "gf and I have been talking and we decided that it's best that you stay here." My dad said that I can come clean out my room completely and he'll help. He also said that after I get my things we should also take a break from each other and reevaluate things in a few months or however long it takes. His gf then said something about how she'll take care of my dad for me.
In a few days I'll be going over with my grandparents to get my stuff. We'll also be getting the important papers that some of you have mentioned. It doesn't look like I'll be going home anytime soon. I have a new home now I guess.
Tbh I have been feeling pretty bad about some of the comments. Specifically the ones saying that since I probably remind him of my mom thats why he's like that with me. He got rid of everything of my mom's and I was the last piece of my mom so it makes sense he doesn't want me anymore. I really wish she was still here.
I think he wants to start over and I wasn't part of that plan. So I guess that's it...
Thank you for all the kind comments. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7efa3/my_dads_girlfriend_is_trying_to_get_rid_of_me/ | q7efa3 | 6,142 | 4,030 | [
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2021-10-13T16:53:24 | Me [29M] and my best friend [26M] have a weird bromance and I don't know what to do anymore. | Relationships | *I'm not the original author. This was first posted in r/relationships.
The mood is >!carefully optimistic!<*
___
#[**Original Posting**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7es7ck/me_29m_and_my_best_friend_26m_have_a_weird/)
I'm gay and he says he's straight, he knows about me since the first time we talked. We met 3 years ago and soon we become really close. I wasn't interested in him, at that time I had an awful breakup and wanted to focus on myself.
So when he started getting close I didn't thought much of it, I supposed it was his way to be a friend. But at some point I noticed that his, ours, behaviors were different. It was like if we ware dating. He texted me things like "miss you" "I love you so much (bro)" "I need your hugs/kisses" (kisses on the cheeks) a lot of hearts emoji and that sort of cute/sweet talking that you do with your SO. If this wasn't confusing enough he started holding my hand under the table while dining out with friends or asking me to stop, the two of us alone, in my car before heading home so we can talk and cuddle a lil. At this time cuddling was a big part of our relationship, every time we were alone we ended up hugged on a sofa caressing and kissing (always on the cheeks) each other, even for hours.
Months later I was happy with that and my feelings for him were growing fast, so while we were cuddling I took all my courage and went for the real kiss. He avoided me and told me he wasn't interested in me in this way, that he likes girls and I know it. Ouch. It hurts but I'm a grown up man and I can deal with a rejection. So ok, never mind, my bad, maybe I misunderstood what was going on. Our friendship went on like if nothing happened. Literally. He continued acting the same way, cuddling and all.
After he rejected me my feelings for him went off, well you know that was a letdown. So I tried to not think about him in a romantic way and I have to say I was doing it fine. But his behavior never change so months after I was falling for him again. So I decided to confront him and told him that those things we do make me wanting more from him and he said that this was not possible. For my own sanity I told him that we need to stop cuddling, etc, or it's impossible for me to not have feelings for him. He cried, said he was sorry and agreed.
From this time our friendship went in a more "normal" way. I didn't thought about him as more of a friend anymore and was fine with that. Even went on dates with some guys.
But, yeah there is a "but" and that's why I'm here, recently he started looking for cuddling and things again. This time I was more firmly on my decision and every time he went for a kiss or a cuddle I said no and used my hand to keep him away from me. He acts like if this is a game and tries to catch me off guard to steal a kiss or a hug or my hand when no one is watching.
Last week we didn't saw each other cause we were full of work and even argued about some stupid things. So last night he decided to come at my place cause he missed me and he was sorry about that. It is a hard time for me right now, you know life isn't easy, and when he went for cuddles I couldn't resist.
I don't know what to think and do anymore. He is a good friend, for real, the best I have ever had. He cares, he is always there for me, he supports me, we share interests and have a lot of fun together. But I really can't deal with this weird relationship anymore. We are more than friends but we are not a couple.
He doesn't look for a girlfriend since he knows me, if this means something. He had a gf before we met but he broke up with her cause he didn't love her.
Even friends, parents and other people assumed we were boyfriends and when I tell them we are not they give me a weird look like if they don't really believe me.
Am I wrong? Is this something normal between friends? (Even if I know he hadn't this kind of behavior before) Is he gay but scared to death to admit it to himself? Is he straight and I'm some kind of gf-surrogate with no strings attached that gives free cuddles?
I'm sure whatever is the reason he is not malicious and has no intention to hurt me, so please don't say he tries to take advantage of me or this sort of things.
Please help me, I really need some good advice.
TL;DR my straight friend acts like if we are a couple, cuddling and everything except making out and sex, but he says he doesn't want me as a boyfriend cause he likes girls. I asked him to stop it but it seems like he can't even if he knows my feelings for him. I don't know what to think about it anymore.
___
#[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7fuc2i/update_me_29m_and_my_best_friend_26m_have_a_weird/)
Hello guys, I really want to thanks all of you who answered me and gave me the advices I needed. I'm here to update you all, so here we go:
The day after I submitted my post I think you were right and I decided to move on and live my file. Casually I met a guy at work. We talked a lot and when it was time to say goodbye he asked me to go on a date with him on Sunday. I thought it was the right thing to do to live my life and said yes.
Meanwhile my friend was on a work trip and when he asked me how I was doing I texted him about the date. Ha just asked me who was the guy and than changed subject like he didn't care. I was fine that he didn't and never talked about it anymore.
So Saturday comes and me and my friend are hanging out as always. We are waiting ours other friends when he says he has to buy a gift and ask me if I could help him with it the next day. I reply that this is not possible cause I have the date with that guy. He says "oh right, cool" and then talk about something else. About 15 minutes later he says he is feeling sick and that he needs to sit. So we find a bench where he can rest a lil and I say that if he needs to go back home I'll help him.
Things changed here. He told me that he was feeling sick cause he can't accept that there is another man in my life. That he can't deal with the idea of me spending all my free time with someone that isn't him cause he loves me. And than he cried. We talked a lot. He said that he didn't realize it until I said about the date, that the idea of losing me drove he insane. He asked me to forgive him for rejecting me in the past cause he was blind and dumb. He kissed me and it felt right.
So I think we are a couple now, finally, lol. He is really scared about the fact that he is not "straight" anymore and that he needs time to deal with that. But he said that he is really happy to finally be free to love me and that he is really lucky to have found me. We just need to find our new dimension but I think we can make it work.
We broke the friendzone!
Thank you all again guys and wish me good luck!
(I'm sorry if I made errors)
TL;DR my best straight friend, who rejected me in the past, couldn't deal with me dating another guy and finally broke the frienzone (and the straightzone). We are boyfriends now!
EDIT: wow, thanks guys for the kind answers! We are aware that this is not our happy ending yet, we don't know what will happen in the future (like in every relationship) but we wanna try it. I know he will need a really long time to figure everything out, accepting yourself is fucking hard, I've been through it too, but he says that he doesn't regret to have told me everything and that if he even is scared he is happy about us. He is not trying to manipulate me, he was just really really idiot, he feel so guilty about the past and when he remembers something he did wrong he says he is sorry and that he is lucky I'm still here. He even told me to go to the date if I wanted it.
I am scared too, i don't know what will be of us, I still need to understand that we are boyfriends now and not only friends anymore. I need time, we need time. I don't want to suffer, I don't want him to suffer. I can only wish for the best for the both of us, whatever it will be...
___
*This is a repost. I'm not the original author and don't need advice. Also, I don't have a microwave to kill germs on my sponges. I just throw them away like a rich b-word.* | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7fejj/me_29m_and_my_best_friend_26m_have_a_weird/ | q7fejj | 8,187 | 518 | [
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2021-10-13T16:58:33 | My [29F] roommate [26F] is obsessed with and trying to 'become' our friend [31M]'s fiancée [28F] | Relationships | I am not OP, OP is u/soulberry1031
\---
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/36x51s/my_29f_roommate_26f_is_obsessed_with_and_trying/)
This primarily involves me (Soulberry, 29), my roommate Cassie (26), the girl she’s stalking, Maelle (28), and Simon (31), Maelle’s fiancé.
We live in a city of almost 2 million, but somehow, everyone in this nerd circle knows (or at least knows of) everyone else. I’m sorry if the details are sparse, but I feel like I might be outed by too many specifics, as a lot of us also browse Reddit.
I moved to this city for college and ended up staying, as a lot of people often do. I was living alone until I met Cassie through a mutual friend about 3 years ago. I come from a very stable home life. I have a very close relationship with my mother and stepfather, and I have twin younger brothers that I talk to daily. Cassie, on the other hand, was raised by her aunt and uncle and was on and off medicine (I don’t know what for) for a lot of her middle school years. She has no siblings and avoids calls from her aunt, only talking to her maybe once a week. She has her quirks, but I thought she was a well-adjusted member of society.
Cassie and I were at a convention roughly a year ago when we met Simon and Maelle. They had just moved to the area and Simon, Cassie and I hit it off. We found out that we all had quite a few mutual friends and our friendship was solidified when we all saw each other at a party a week later. Maelle was really quiet and reserved the first couple times we all hung out, but eventually we were all getting on really well. Simon and Maelle are somewhat of a power couple, if that’s the correct word. They are both attractive, they have good careers, but they also have a very visible and active presence in these subculture communities and a myriad of hobbies both within and outside of the community. They have a lot of friends surrounding them, and their condo is often the ‘centre of operations’ for weekends out or parties. Maelle is very no-nonsense take charge kind, and Simon is very goofy, open, and welcoming. They’re both very social, basically. After we met them, Simon and Maelle got engaged. It was a long time coming apparently, and everyone was thrilled.
While I knew that Cassie had a crush on Simon (not surprising, he’s very good looking and charismatic), I thought that it was something very innocent, as she’s had ‘crushes’ on people in our friends circle before. But sometime after they were engaged (I can’t remember specifics, I wasn’t writing anything down at this point) she said she was going to flake on plans to hang out at their house and play board games. When I asked why, she said Maelle and Simon had been fighting a lot recently, and it made her uncomfortable. I was genuinely surprised, as I wasn’t aware of her being over there without me, and every time we were there everything had seemed normal. Cassie insisted that they’d been fighting, giving each other the silent treatment, and kind of joked that I was normally sooo observant but hadn’t noticed this. She then said she wasn’t surprised, that Maelle was a cold-hearted person and Simon ‘honestly deserved better’. This seemed like a pretty intense escalation to me, as she’d never had a problem with them before and got along with both Simon and Maelle, so I suggested that she skip hanging out and take some time to draw things out (she apparently did this a lot in therapy, and making these ‘flowchart’ things seems to help her with graduate school anxiety, worries, and difficult decisions). She instead asked if I was still going, and when I said yes, immediately said she’d go. I didn’t want to discourage her, but I said that if she felt uncomfortable, she should tell me and we’d leave.
We went, and she would laugh and joke with Simon, but when Maelle spoke to her or asked her questions (food or drink choices, for example) she got very visibly uncomfortable and would kind of ‘shut down’ or pretend not to hear her. Simon would glance between me and her a couple of times, but no one said anything, even Maelle. I hadn’t seen Cassie act like this in a long time, and resolved to talk to her about it when I got home. Well, that never happened, as we ended up staying the night and then going out to brunch the next day, where Cassie seemed perfectly fine with Maelle. I thought it had blown over, and Cassie didn’t say much about her from then on, so nothing sticks out in my head until Cassie announced a couple weeks later that she had a boyfriend, Chad.
Cassie has always been bisexual but she’s casually dated women exclusively since I met her, so this was a new development. I asked if she’d end up bringing him around, if she wanted to switch beds (her aunt ended up giving us mattresses a couple years ago, and I’d taken the bigger one at Cassie’s insistence). At first she said yes, and then changed her mind, saying that he lived alone and it was easier to go over to his house. Despite this, she never spent the night there, although she’d vanish to his house for hours on end.
After she got her ‘boyfriend’ (that I never met, almost 2 months later) is when shit really started getting weird. Cassie started getting oddly obsessed with things she’d never cared about before, like skincare and haircare. Her face started breaking out like crazy, and it really seemed to frustrate her. She was getting packages almost every other day, from Amazon or other places. I found a pamphlet on our side door table for laser eye surgery (she has glasses). She got a brand new phone, out of the blue, and started going to her school’s gym and starving herself (and then binging the next day) and constantly told me that she was starting to lose weight, she was looking so good, her boobs were getting smaller. When I was folding our laundry one day, I found a shirt that was not mine and would not fit her. When I asked her about it, she quickly snatched it away, saying that she bought it for when she would be ‘fit enough to wear it’. We’d always watched TV shows together before, but she was spending an abnormal amount of time on her phone now. She mentioned setting her phone to French because she wanted to learn another language, and I told her to talk to Maelle or another friend Stephanie (both are trilingual). She said she’d never ask Maelle for help, and asked me not to talk about Maelle around her. When I asked why, she said it seemed like Maelle was ‘mean’ to her, and Maelle’s behaviour ‘gave her anxiety’. At this point, I started writing things down, as warning flags were going off but I had no idea why, what they meant, or how to handle it.
Which brings us to yesterday, when I got a text from Simon after I came back from work and Cassie had left me a text saying that she was ‘at her boyfriend’s’ (word for word off of my phone):
Simon: Hey are we hanging tonight?
Me: I had no plans to, why?
Simon: Just saw cassie leaving our development, wondered if we forgot about plans we’d made, maelle is working overtime tonight so I’m sorry if there was a miscommunication.
Me: There wasn’t, I had no plans to hang out and neither did Cassie.
Simon: OK nice just making sure. See you Sunday.
I thought about texting Cassie at this point, but decided against it. She came home that night with her hair dyed dark brown. I mentioned that Simon had texted me about seeing her leave the development, and she denied being there. I showed her the message, and she read it, before handing it back to me and saying that she didn’t think there would be any board games on Sunday. When I asked why, she told me that Maelle and Simon were considering calling off their engagement, because Simon wasn’t happy with Maelle anymore. When I asked her what made her think that, she got defensive. She said that Simon talked to her more than I realized, that they had a real connection, and that she was privy to all kinds of ‘terrifying things’ about Maelle that Simon had told her. She pulled out her phone and said that I should believe her, but if I didn’t, she’d show me proof.
For some reason, seeing her phone was the turning point for me, and it hit me all at once. Maelle had dark brown hair. Maelle had the exact same phone that Cassie suddenly got, and set it to one of Maelle’s primary languages that she speaks. Maelle didn’t wear glasses, but Maelle did have Ray Bans in the exact style that Cassie suddenly bought (pointlessly, because Cassie did not wear contacts). I’d never met Chad, but all of her descriptions of him sounded suspiciously like Simon (tall, tan, black wavy hair, really dark brown eyes). I asked to see her phone, and she basically flipped out, saying that I should trust her on principle, and that we’re best friends. I wanted to ask her about everything I’d noticed, but I had no idea how to bring it up, so I sort of choked on my words. Cassie used the opportunity to yell at me again for not trusting her, started crying and said that she was going over to Chad’s, slamming the door on her way out.
After a couple minutes of just sort of standing there trying to process things, I started snooping. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s water under the proverbial bridge at this point. I started in her bathroom, where I was faced with an unfamiliar array of French skincare products and really expensive shampoos and conditioners. The first drawer had all of her old stuff in it (Suave, drugstore skincare stuff, etc) and the second drawer had more of her old stuff with a paper list in it. I opened it and found a bunch of odd things written down, divided by lines. I realized after a moment that they were brands (Avene, Phyto, Madewell, that sort of thing) divided by types (skincare, clothes, etc). Also written were seemingly random words like “yoga”, “bangles” and “peacocks”. Cassie worked part time and did not have a lot of money to spare, so I was wondering where she got the money for this brand new range (and wondering if that’s why her skin was so bad now). I opened the third drawer, and sort of just got a horrible sinking feeling. The third drawer had a bunch of things of Maelle’s in it. Lipsticks, hair accessories, a fucking pouch with her name embroidered on it that I didn’t open, and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t take stock of.
After seeing this, I immediately texted Simon with “Hey, is Maelle missing anything from her bathroom?” Simon immediately called me. Yes, Maelle had been missing things for a while now. I explained what I’d found, and Simon was just as confused and lost as I was. It ended with him asking me to just remove those things from her bathroom and put them in a bag, and to meet the next day to pick them up so I could explain to Maelle. He said that I was still welcome in their house, but Cassie wasn’t welcome anymore. He then said he’d call and tell her this and hung up. I gathered up all of Maelle’s things and moved them safely to my room, and when I came back out into the living room, I had five rambling texts from Cassie. In them, she blamed me for ruining her chances with Simon. She accused me of destroying our friendship by going through her things, saying she’d never forgive me, and that Maelle was a bitch who was lying and trying to frame her to keep her and Simon apart. I immediately called Cassie, and it rang once before it went straight to voicemail.
At this point, no holds were barred. Her laptop was on the arm of the couch, and I opened it. At first, I was going to go on her Facebook, but everything was right on the desktop in a folder labeled ‘NNNNN’. Pictures of Simon from Instagram and Facebook, what little pictures Maelle had posted on social media and screenshots of her twitter updates, pictures of their house, the bathroom, the inside of Maelle’s dresser drawers, pictures peering through the windows of both of their cars, a picture of Maelle’s engagement ring. I immediately zipped the contents of the folder and emailed them to myself from Cassie’s email account. I tried calling her again, and was shuttled to voicemail. I considered going into her room, but thought that might have also been crossing a line, so I just went into my room to take stock of what Cassie had stolen from Maelle. She’d taken jewelry, a lot of stuff from the French pharmacies (tampons, calling cards, ointments), a lot of lipsticks, some skincare (mostly sunscreen), hair accessories, some things definitely from her bedroom (a pair of small pink socks for example).
So I’m just at a loss. I’m convinced there’s no boyfriend of Cassie's, but I have no idea where she's been when she says she's at his house. I’m convinced that something is very wrong with Cassie for her to be so weirdly obsessed with Maelle, but I have no idea what. Maelle woke up with the flu this morning, so we are not meeting tonight, and Cassie hasn’t been home since she left yesterday. I tried calling her twice today, Simon texted me briefly earlier in the day, but aside from that, I haven’t spoken to anyone else about this.
\--
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/371yta/update_my_29f_roommate_26f_is_obsessed_with_and/)
I own my apartment and it has sliding doors in all of the rooms, hence my comment that I probably couldn't install a bedroom door lock quickly and easily.
* Simon and Maelle's condo has keypad locks. They changed the combination last night, but the computer records of when it was unlocked (it does not show when it was locked) don't suggest that anyone was in their condo during the day when they were at work. We were over at their house at least once a week, sometimes twice, so it's not unthinkable that Cassie could have taken those things while we were over.
* Maelle thinks she had food poisoning. She was feeling ill on Thursday after a company lunch, and a coworker from her department apparently also called off yesterday. She was feeling well enough last night to see me and her maid of honor at her condo.
* Simon told Maelle everything I had told him around the time I made the post, and Maelle was understandably freaked out about the whole thing. Friends normally aren't welcome upstairs in their condo at Maelle's request (I've never seen Maelle and Simon's bedroom or their bathroom aside from the images on Cassie's computer) so the fact that she was snooping around made Maelle furious.
I wrote the original post about Thursday's events yesterday at around 5 or so.
After I wrote the post, I was texting quite a few people, one of whom got ahold of Cassie's aunt, Marie, on my behalf. Marie called me at around 7 PM and we spoke for almost half an hour. Marie told me that Cassie had struggled with depression and a type of disassociative disorder when she was in elementary and middle school as a result of being in foster care for a year. I asked if Marie wanted me to alert the police, and Marie said that she would do it. As far as I know, the police in my area and Cassie's hometown have been told that she's missing and know of her current mental state.
After I spoke with Marie, I took a long shower. I came out to find missed calls from both Simon and Maelle, as well as one of our other friends, Shane. Shane is a gym buddy of mine and ex-military. Simon had called him to tell him what was going on, and I called Shane back first. He was going over to Simon and Maelle's just to make sure everything was all right, and he wanted me to come with him and spend the night there. I agreed, and I called Maelle back to make sure she was all right with that. She didn't answer but Simon did, and he was in agreement with us spending the night. I packed up a bag, Maelle's things, and Cassie's laptop and drove over to Simon and Maelle's. She had just gotten out of the shower as I arrived, and she looked like she was definitely recovering. We settled in the living room and I gave her the bag of what was missing, which Simon put upstairs without her looking at. Shane and Simon spent a good portion of the night playing Mario Kart with us while Maelle alternated playing and chatting with her maid of honor Susie, who had come over after Simon had told her what was going on. Susie left at around 10, after Maelle went to bed.
At around midnight, Shane and I decided to go to bed as well. Simon went upstairs, and while Shane went to bed immediately, I opened Cassie's laptop. Aside from the pictures, there was not much else on there, and she hadn't logged in on Facebook from her browser in so long that she'd been logged out and I couldn't access anything regardless. I gave up and went to bed.
At around 3 in the morning, I heard a car door slam shut outside. It immediately woke me up, and I opened my eyes in time to see lights flickering inside the window. I assume this was someone's car lights flashing when the lock button is pressed, but I wasn't sure. I definitely heard footsteps on the wooden steps leading up to the front porch, and that's when I reached over and woke Shane up. Shane shot up and turned on a floor lamp, and I heard whomever was on the porch running back down the wooden steps. Shane unlocked the door and threw it open, and we both saw a car speed out of the driveway and take off down the road. I asked Shane what color the car was, and he said he couldn't see it in the dark (Simon and Maelle's road is not well lit). We closed the door and debated waking Simon up and calling the police. Ultimately, we did not wake Simon up, but Shane went outside to call the local department and ask that they send a couple cars up and down the road. Shane lied and said he'd seen Cassie's car in the driveway, and while they said there wasn't anything they could do (not surprising), they'd have the cruisers in the area start looking for her car and they'd send someone to patrol the condo area.
After everyone woke up this morning, I made breakfast and we mostly hung around talking and playing the occasional Mario Kart. Maelle said that she was going to attempt to file a report for the theft of her things, but as she had them back now, she wasn't sure if she could file a report based on hearsay. We discussed her options, what she could do, and I relayed what Marie had said about Cassie's mental state. Maelle is more angry than freaked out, and seems to have her wits about her. When I told her about the pictures, she just laughed in disbelief and shook her head. She agreed that Cassie was mentally ill, and said that she hopes Cassie gets help, but she would never come over their home again and asked me to refrain from inviting her and Simon to any event that Cassie would be at. They both blocked her on social media and Maelle deleted her Twitter. Simon's uncle is a police chief who works in another state, and they were getting ready to call him after I left.
When I got home later on, the apartment didn't look like it had been visited by Cassie. I did a walkthrough and nothing seemed missing or out of place, so I then left around 2 to go to a prior engagement. At around 5, Marie called me again. She said that she hadn't heard anything from Cassie and our city's police hadn't seen her car. They were working on getting the police to track her credit or debit card transactions (banks close early today in my country and won't reopen until Tuesday due to a holiday, so it's been hard to get ahold of anyone). She seemed very upset, and I promised her that I would keep her updated if I heard anything. Cassie's uncle will be driving into the city (about four hours away) if they don't hear anything from her or the police by tomorrow morning.
Shane is staying over at my apartment tonight, and aside from that, there's not much else I can update with. I'll be changing the locks tomorrow with his help, and at Shane's insistence, we child-proofed the drawers with knives and kitchen utensils in them to make them more difficult to open.
\--
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/37bud9/update_2_my_29f_roommate_26f_is_obsessed_with_and/)
After Shane and I woke up on Sunday, I had an email from Marie saying that George would be getting into town at around 9 PM, and he wanted to meet with me at my apartment. I texted Cassie again, and didn’t get any sort of response.
Games at Simon and Maelle’s were on as usual, and because of everything that happened (word spread fast despite our efforts), it seemed like a lot of people wanted to take the opportunity to see them. There were almost 20 people there, which is how I ended up in the basement playing board games. At around 7 PM, a friend upstairs started calling for me. When I went back up, she pointed to my bag and told me that my phone had been ringing constantly “for the past five minutes”.
I fished it out and I had three missed calls from a number that I didn’t recognize but had our area code. I immediately stepped outside to call back. Without going into boring detail of the greetings, the number belonged to Elise. Elise is/was Cassie’s long-standing FWB, and is one of a couple people that we know that do not hang out with people from the “nerdy hipster” group. Elise had called me because, of course, people had been talking. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but it basically went like this:
**Elise:** Is Cassie in some kind of trouble? I heard this morning that she tried to attack a girl.
**Me:** No. She made some pretty weighty comments about a couple friends of ours and when I asked for proof, she started crying and said that I didn’t trust her and that I was choosing them over her, and that she was leaving to go stay with Chad—
**Elise:** What? No, she’s been here. Cassie’s with me.
I basically felt like a bomb had dropped into my stomach. Cassie had come over at around 2 AM on Thursday night/Friday morning, as Elise and her boyfriend were getting home. All Cassie told Elise was that she’d had a nasty fight with me, and wanted to give it the weekend to cool off. Elise, knowing how Cassie can get with her anxiety, didn’t press for details. They spent Friday just hanging out, and took off to the mountains all day on Saturday to go hiking. I asked where Elise and her boyfriend were on Friday night/Saturday morning, and she said that they’d basically smoked and went to bed around 1 AM. Cassie didn’t smoke with them, but she did leave at around midnight to grab doughnuts and other things from the store. Elise couldn’t say if Cassie went to bed with them or not.
At this point, I asked where Cassie was now. She and Elise’s boyfriend were out picking up dinner, and she wanted to take the opportunity to call me about what she’d heard while they were out. I said that her uncle and aunt were insanely worried about her, and he was arriving in town at around 9 PM. Elise asked why he was in town and why he was worried, and that’s when I told her the full story. Right as I ended, however, Elise told me that her boyfriend and Cassie had just pulled up, and to continue over text. Over text, we agreed at first to meet at a restaurant at around 10, and then Elise drastically changed it to her house, giving me the address and telling me to come over as soon as possible. She said it would be easier to keep Cassie in than drag her out and possibly cause a scene in a restaurant.
After this, I went back inside, but it was a bit hard to focus on the party. I decided to instead step back out and call George. After greeting him and formally introducing myself, I told him what I’d just heard. He said he’d been trying to text/call Cassie as well, and had gotten no response. He sounded extremely relieved and a bit choked up when I said that she was safe and staying with a friend. I told him that Elise had agreed to keep Cassie in and have us over so that we could talk to her, and he immediately agreed. I went back inside and found Shane and another close friend of Cassie’s, and I pulled them aside to tell them everything. By the time I was done, it was almost 8 PM. Shane and our friend both agreed that while they wanted to go, it was probably best if it was just me and Cassie’s uncle, as they didn’t want to embarrass or freak her out. I left the party 30 minutes early to get some coffee, because I was starting to get really nervous about confronting Cassie.
At around 9:15-ish, I parked on the street a couple houses away from Elise’s, and waited. I saw a car pull up on the other side of the street maybe 5 minutes later, and George got out and walked over to my car. After confirming it was each other, he reintroduced himself, and made a couple small jokes. I texted Elise to let her know that we were there, and he asked that he go in first. I was more than happy with that, and we rang the doorbell, and Elise opened the door.
Elise’s house turned out to be a foyer set-up, which means that the front door didn’t open up into the living room (like I’d hoped). We had to walk in and down a hallway to get to the living room. When George turned the corner, I sort of stayed behind. I heard all of the talking go silent, and then I heard Cassie start crying. George immediately walked into the living room, and when I finally turned the corner, he was sitting on the couch with his arm around her. Cassie eventually saw me, and just started crying harder. Elise turned the TV off and brought a chair out for me, and all three of us (Elise’s BF was there, but was put in a very awkward position and just stayed quiet) firmly stated that we loved her and cared for her, but that she needed to schedule an appointment to see a psychiatrist. George took it a step further and insisted that she see someone NOW, and that he wanted to take her to the hospital downtown. Cassie didn’t say anything for a long time, she mostly just nodded and cried and listened to us talk, and eventually verbally agreed with George. Elise said that she’d pack up Cassie’s things and give them to me later, and that Cassie and George could leave now, if they wanted. Cassie turned to me to ask about her car, and I said that if it was okay with her, someone would drive it back to the apartment. She agreed, took the keys out of her purse, and started crying again as George walked her out and to his car.
I haven’t seen Cassie or George since Sunday, although both George and Marie texted me to thank me. Cassie’s living situation is still uncertain, but I hope I’ll know more tomorrow, when she’s released. Thanks for hearing me out, it was nerve-wracking to go through. | ladyboner_22 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7fifd/my_29f_roommate_26f_is_obsessed_with_and_trying/ | q7fifd | 26,419 | 1,008 | [
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2021-10-13T17:27:04 | AITA for refusing to see my dad even though he is really sick + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q3om4e/aita_for_refusing_to_see_my_dad_even_though_he_is/) by u/ Electronic-Age-947
I am two years older than my brother. When I was about to go to college, They said they didn't have the money and it massively fucked up my plans because they have a high income so I can't get aid and scholarships. I moved out, I started working because I want to save up before going to college. I started college the same year as my brother did.
I always assumed my brother was loading up on debt by going to a really expensive private school. I saw a story he posted bragging about having his schooling paid by our parents. I texted him and he said he was just bragging online but I asked mom and she is not a good liar and she fessed up that they were paying for it. It still makes me really fucking angry. I have better grades, I have a better application but all of that doesn't matter. nothing I ever do fucking matters.
I have not visited home since that day. I worked so fucking hard for my grades. I just don't understand why they don't care? I did all the right things and they still care more about my brother.
My dad is sick. He has cancer. It is pretty bad. My mom is begging me to come back and see him. He is upset too. My brother called me and yelled at me for being a horrible daughter who is a greedy B. I am a worried sick for him but I can't put myself through visiting him. I am just barely holding on emotionally but I know they need my support but I am being a huge asshole by not doing it.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q7d2uy/update_aita_for_refusing_to_see_my_dad_even/)
I really needed all those comments. It helped me think through my feelings. I knew I wanted to go see him. He is my dad and I love him, I would never forgive myself if I didn't. I visited two days ago. I didn't bring up the tuition because I didn't want to start a fight.
I talked to dad. I really missed the conversation we used to have. He was very happy to see me and he told me he would set things right with the will. That made me cry, I don't want him to die. We had lunch together and mom was insisting that I stay with them to help with dad. I saw people comment about it and I really didn't my parents would bring that up but they did and it hurt a lot. I refused and mom got a bit angry with me. I ended up leaving soon after.
I have really tried to please them. I followed every single rules they had. I didn't put a toe out of line and they always loved my brother more even though he was a rule breaker and I hoped that by being the perfect daughter I would you know be loved a bit more. I guess that isn't how it works.
I am not going back. It hurt to go back but I know my parents love me but they love my brother more. It think it made me realize staying away from is the right thing to do. I will really miss them, People trashed my brother a lot but he has his moments and he can be really sweet, kind and gentle too. I really love my family but If I do spend time with them I will be just hurting myself. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7g42q/aita_for_refusing_to_see_my_dad_even_though_he_is/ | q7g42q | 3,101 | 843 | [
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2021-10-13T20:32:20 | Boyfriend complains his girlfriend is high maintenance, she sees the post | Relationship_Advice | ***repost, original*** [***post***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pz5oax/my_gf_is_hight_maintenance/) ***by*** u/whatuknow_
Throw away account. I love my gf but she’s pissing me off sometimes. We’re both in our early twenties. By the end of the summer, I invited her to a pool party and she said she can’t go because she just did this thing to her hair and she can’t wet her hair for about a week or so. I enjoy bowling but she can never go with me because she’ll ruin her nails. Last night we went out with our friends and wanted to go to the hills after just to see this panoramic city view and she couldn’t go because she was wearing heels then I couldn’t go either because I had to drive her home. That night she got mad at me because I didn’t tell her we’d go to the hills after date.
The thing is, she always has to know the whole plan for going out or doing anything really and can’t be spontaneous. The first time we had sex we had to talk for about it 2 hours before, go through every little thing that would and could happen so we’re prepared. I’m not that kind of person at all. I live in the moment as cliche as it sounds and finding deeper meaning to some things and perfectioning them makes me now want to them anymore.
[**Girlfriend Responds**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q6m4d6/im_the_high_maintenance_girlfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by /u/florencemay0
I’m the high maintenance girlfriend
I made Reddit just so I can post this. My friend saw this post and it sounded familiar to her so she sent me this. I read all the comments and I just wanted to say thank you. Just like majority of you said, I wouldn’t have any problem climbing fcking hills if he told me we’d be doing it after dinner. He was always the one who bragged to everyone how his gf always looks nice and dresses up and that he feels like the luckiest man in the world meanwhile he’s here posting this shit, claiming I’m too high maintenance.
\[comment\] I told him what sex meant to me since I was a virgin and how important that talk was to me. He wasn’t too happy to talk about it but he told me that he understands me and it’s a big deal for him too. I can’t believe that in reality this was what he was thinking the whole time about it- that I’m annoying.
The thing that hurt me the most is him not telling me any of this, if he felt that way he should’ve told me and not complain to strangers about me. If I can give you any advice it is to always communicate with your partner about anything that is bothering you, no matter how big or small the issue is.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q7admc/high_maintenance_gf_update/)
High maintenance gf UPDATE
He got back from his trip and brought me a necklace saying “This is for you, I know you like nice stuff”. Mind you, he never bought me anything if it wasn’t a special occasion like a holiday, birthday or anniversary. I didn’t accept the gift, I told him he can keep it and decided to be petty and tell him he should’ve bought the full set to please his high maintenance gf. He became defensive right away, so I showed him his Reddit post and this guy said HIS FRIEND posted it as a joke.
I honestly didn’t want to talk about anything anymore since I had time to think about a lot of stuff while he was away. I decided it wasn’t worth communicating and now he was the one begging me to talk to him. I just told him he doesn’t have to unpack and that he can go live with his family and I’ll send his other stuff this week (he moved in with me btw so it’s my apartment).
And I know a lot of you mentioned his sister- she called me later to check up on me and asked if we can still hang out and stay friends.
I want to thank everyone for your support and nice messages. This wasn’t an easy thing for me to do after two years, but I know I’ll be alright. It means a lot to me <3 | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7k083/boyfriend_complains_his_girlfriend_is_high/ | q7k083 | 3,970 | 2,241 | [
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2021-10-14T02:26:33 | OP is dying and does not know how to tell her kids. | Relationship_Advice | Mood of the post(spoiler): >!Extremely tragic!<
Trigger warning(spoiler): >!Cancer, death!<
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pn4pcx/i_am_dying_and_i_have_to_tell_my_kids/) by [u/throwawaygirl7777777](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawaygirl7777777/)
**I am dying and I have to tell my kids**
Hello everyone. Made a throwaway account for this. I (43F), have been married to my husband (40M) for 13, almost 14 years. We wanted to start a family right away so we had our oldest, (12M), right after we got married. Then we had our second, (10M) and had twins (8 M and F). We've been happy as we can be given the situation. When I was pregnant with the twins something was off, my breathing became a lot harder than it usually is, which is not the best given I have asthma. I thought it was stress or something but when the twins were 6 months old I passed out and woke up in the hospital. There the doctor told me I had aggressive stage 3 lung cancer. My husband owns his own business and made sure to tell me that money was no object when it came to saving my life. He was there for everything. But as time went on we had to move in my friend, who fell on hard times, because I couldn't take care of 4 children, I couldn't ride bikes with them, I couldn't swim with them, I couldn't even walk with them. It's come and gone over the past 8 years. My husband got a 6 bedroom house so everyone has a room and even installed an elevator because I can't go up and down the stairs anymore. I've been permanently on oxygen for 2 years now. So it's myself, my friend, my 4 kids and dog. Well today I had an appointment with the doctor and he said the results of my CT scan were back, as we check on the cancer via CT scan every couple of months. The cancer has spread to my pancreas, liver, uterus and kidneys. There's nothing they can do. I went into immediate shock but my husband, god bless him, began to talk about different treatment plans, if they could send me anywhere. The doctor said I've been on chemo for essentially 8 years and it's metastisized. There's tumors all over my body. I'm willing to go back to the hospitals I've been to, but I don't want to put my family in debt only for me to die. When my husband asked for a specific amount of time the doctor said 6 months at best. At that point I fainted. When I woke back up my husband was beside me and my sister and mother were there too. They all had puffy red eyes so I know they were crying. My husband saw I was awake and held me and sobbed silently. Just whispering it will be ok over and over again. I was in the hospital for a day before they let me out, but I told my husband I want to sign a DNR. He wanted to argue, saying that I was going to pull through. Maybe if it was just my lungs I would believe it but it's several major organs and I know things only get worse from here. I told him my kidneys would fail, my liver would fail, he and my children will have to watch me die. And if he thinks he can keep me intubated for months on end he has another thing coming. He then started to sob loudly saying this isn't fair, we were each other's first and only, we built such a great life together, we were supposed to grow old together, see our grandkids, see the world more once it opens up, that he'd put so much time into his business that should have been spent with me. He was inconsolable. I was crying as well but oddly I'm not that upset I'm dying. I'm not sure if it's the shock or the gravity of the situation just hasn't hit me yet, but I've already come to terms with this. But I told my husband we need to tell the kids what's going on. He adamantly refused saying that they're going to find the right combinations of drugs to get rid of the cancer. Well I don't even know how I'm supposed to approach this situation, I know as soon as I sit then down I'm going to cry and they're going to know something is wrong. At the same time, they deserve to know exactly what's going on with me. I don't know what I'm meant to do here, so but my friend told me to come here for help. I'm also looking for advice as to what to do with my husband as I don't know if I can help him or not. What can I do for him? Can I make him feel better? Any advice is welcome.
Edit: the grief counselor is coming over to talk to the kids with us at 3, I hate to jump them after school but I know they deserve to know. My husband has come to terms and we've signed the DNR. We are looking through my will and I will make an update tonight if I can. My husband has not left my side since this all happened. Thank you all for the advice
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[UPDATE 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pnoigp/update_i_am_dying_and_i_have_to_tell_my_kids/)
**Update: I am dying and I have to tell my kids**
So this blew up and I'm sorry, I'm still replying to comments and I don't know how to make an update yet We had a busy day, we signed the DNR that, we are in the process of working on my will, we are setting up trust funds for the kids, but I think I should go to what happened at around 1:15. My dad, who had abused my mom for 25 years, came over. He was piss drunk and he had his new wife, a 21 year old and their 8 month old daughter. I am not his by blood as my mom cheated and he used to do things such as blow cigarette smoke into my face and put out cigarettes on me. It's part of the reason as to why my husband and I are so close, I would go to his house when I was hurt and often times he would send me there. They called CPS multiple times but he would cover up my scars with makeup and say if I said anything he would kill me. He stumbled into my lawn, my mom, uncle who is a cop and was on duty but on break and my longtime friend were on the other side of my screen door, I can't get the vaccine because I'm immunocompromised and I'd rather not get COVID. My uncle immediately stopped him and asked what he was doing here. He slurred that he wanted to tell my mother she's getting what she deserves and I am going to hell. They had a back and forth until my friend asked if he drove here, he said yes and my uncle no hesitation cuffed him. His wife took the (illegally own) fun from my dad's waistband and pointed it... Somewhere. She was very drunk as well. My uncle tazed her and arrested her as well and if we're lucky I'll die before they're let out. But onto telling the kids. It didn't go well at all. They were picked up by my friend and when they came inside to see me, my husband, my mom, my sister and the grief counselor all sitting they knew something was up. My oldest asked if we were getting a divorce and I said no but to sit down. It was a lot of guidance on the counselor's part, he helped us word it correctly but when it came out that I was going to die in 6 months, my oldest ran upstairs. My friend yelled his name and ran upstairs after him. The second oldest ran to his dad. The third went to his grandma. And my daughter picked up our dog. I had to remind her to be careful as she's 17, how she's still alive is beyond me. There were a lot of tears and questions but we made sure to know they were loved and that we love them no matter what and that they will be ok. I got light headed, the chemo makes me sick and tired, and I had to go lay down. My oldest has a crawl space in his room we made his own personal space, it has pictures of power Rangers, pictures of us as a family and his gaming stuff is in that space and it can be locked. The only 2 people besides him that has a key are myself and my husband. So my husband went upstairs and sure enough he was in there. Currently he's in the space with him. My daughter has not let go of the dog but she's just happy to be included, lol. Currently my daughter is sleeping next to me with her head on my chest and dog in arms. The boys don't want to talk to me, from what my husband could gather they're mad at me for going away. I know it's hard and I hope the counselor is talking to them, I've thrown up a couple times as now when I'm under stress I throw up. My husband wanted to make sure I was ok but I insisted he make sure our oldest is ok because he and I are so close, I'm the one that got him into Power Rangers and I'm the one that watched it with him and took him to conventions with me and he absolutely loves them now. He and I share a lot of the same interests and I don't yell at my kids, instead I do the whole I'm disappointed thing which they say is honestly worse. But when he has a problem he comes to me, I've told him no matter what men are allowed to be emotionally vulnerable to their mothers and no one should judge them for it. I told the other two the same thing but they go to their dad more. I hope he's ok. I hope they're not mad at me for too long, my daughter asked if I could watch over her when I'm in heaven and I told her I would watch over all of them. Did I handle it well? Is there any more advice? What could I have done differently?
Edit: My husband and I just had a fight which isn't surprising really, but he said I wasn't losing anyone because I'm the one that's leaving, as if I chose this. I told him I'm losing my family and friends, everyone and thing I've ever loved is going to be gone, all I will have is God and he flipped a table and screamed if I love Him so much why don't I make it easier and just leave. As soon as he said it though his eyes widened and he covered his mouth and said he was sorry in rapid succession over and over. I just started to cry, which is the first time I've cried since hearing from news. He just held me and I cried so hard I had to be taken back to the hospital because I couldn't breathe. He won't even look at me now. It's not his fault, he didn't mean anything of what he's said. I told him as much but he won't even talk to me. He's just holding my hand and I told him the kids are shutting me out, I can't deal with him doing it too. He left the room and this is the first time I can recall being alone in a hospital and I really don't like it
Thank you everyone for your rewards, if you want me to update let me know and I'll let you know how everything is, god bless.
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[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/py6x2a/update_im_dying_and_i_have_to_tell_my_kids/)
**Update: I'm dying and I have to tell my kids**
Well I'd like to start out and say thank you so much for all of your support, it means a lot. I've gotten DMs for an update and unfortunately it's not a good one. Last week they found a tumor in my brain and I now have 2 months at most. I don't know how they could have missed it. The only reason we went to check it out was I was having the worst headaches of my life. My husband is still on about my God not being merciful. He has refused to go to church, my friend has been taking the kids to church, I do online worship. But on the bright side, we have a new dog. She's a hairless poodle who is a year old. She lost her old family in the fire and we thought we would adopt her, this was before I was given the original diagnosis. As to whether or not her fur will come back, I'm not sure but she's like a service dog to our old dog. She keeps her from walking into things and gives her cuddles when my daughter isn't holding her. My kids are finally spending time with me, we've been watching Power Rangers for the past week. But I have had to step away more than once because of my headaches. My husband is still holding out for a cure, he stopped going to his mom to cry and just stays with me now since he wants to spend as much time as possible with me. We've also decided I shouldn't be driving in this state so I will no longer be driving. We decided when he's old enough out oldest should get the car since it's only a 2014 model. Until then I'm not sure what my husband will be doing with it but he said he doesn't want to get rid of it. Someone suggested as a last vacation I should go with my family to a cabin in the woods and I think that's a stellar idea. Before we're reliant on Hospice. I'm on it now, the give me medication for my pain and send different doctors and even a priest. They're very nice, they don't mind being sprayed down and they offer to sit and talk for a little bit sometimes. I just can't believe any of this is happening. Last month we were talking about when I get better. We had a list of places we were going to go, things I could do again, but now I can't. My husband said he will take the kids on a tour of my "I'm better" places when the world opens up again. We also bought grave plots, one for me, my husband and my friend. She's been amazing the past 7 years taking care of my children, cooking dinners, cleaning the house, helping with homework, sports, music lessons, we decided that if she wanted to be buried with us she can and she cried and said yes. I know God will take care of me when I go and He will take care of my husband, children and friend when I'm gone. Some of you suggested that my husband and my friend were sleeping together. Even if they were, we have an open marriage on his side because when I got sick I couldn't be intimate with him and I told him he has needs and he can fulfill them and I won't be mad. So I don't really care one way or another. As for my dad, he and his wife got bailed out. But it's understood if they come near my family again, they will get hurt. My father is also coming over, we met on 23 and me, he never knew he had children as the fling with my mom was a drunken one night stand and he said he honestly didn't even know he'd slept with someone that night, to show how drunk he was. He's from Scotland and has to quarantine when he gets over but he said he plans on moving over here to be with his grandchildren and son, as he says my husband is his son. He says we didn't get enough time together and had he known who I was and that I was abused by my dad so much, he would have taken me to Scotland, but then I wouldn't have my husband. He's devastated by the news of my illness taking a turn for the worst as he's lost his own mother and sister to cancer as well. Turns out it runs on his side of the family. All in all, I am doing as well as I can be. And to those of you who offered to send me presents, please donate to your local charity, if you were offering to make me something, make it for your local children's hospital as they would love the blanket, stuffed animal or drawings you have to make. I don't feel comfortable accepting anything and I don't want to accept something and get sick from COVID, even if you weren't sending it maliciously. I'm sorry this update is not the best but remember God has a plan for us all. God bless you all and I hope you have a great day.
Edit: This is an update but my oldest is 12m, my second is 10m and my twins are 8 m and f, they were mad a me and I still think they are. They're really scared is what I think. Hopefully there is a random miracle but it was originally lung cancer and it went into my major organs, it's pretty much everywhere you can think. When I was pregnant with the twins I felt awful but I thought it was because I was pregnant with twins. It didn't get any better after they were born and I collapsed after 6 months and that's when they told me I had stage 3 lung cancer. I was crying and in shock but my husband was immediately discussing treatment plans and what to do from there. I've had this disease for the past 8 years and I guess it's finally overwhelming me. I wish I had more time but maybe there's a reason God chose me. I wouldn't change a thing if I could as getting treatment when I first felt off would have meant killing the twins and I would never be capable of doing that.
Edit 2: We're trying to pull the kids out of school completely and re-enroll them after I die, we figured they could make up whatever work they've missed in the summer, is that legal? Should they have a sense of normalcy in this craziness? They've all said they can be homeschooled but they're also willing to not go at all. On the one hand they might never forgive themselves if they spent time they could have been spending with me I'm school but on the other they might get overwhelmed with the stress of it all
&#x200B;
[FINAL UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q7l004/my_wife_is_dead_and_i_dont_know_how_to_console_my/)
**My wife is dead and I don't know how to console my children**
Hello everyone. Sorry for the long text in advance. This is my wife's account since I don't have not do I want my own account and you can read her posts better on this account. I wish this was a happy post, but it is not. I find writing therapeutic and so many of you have been in the DMs with her, wishing her well. Someone was exchanging bible verses and someone else was just letting her rant, she called you her internet friends and she was so happy she could help you with whatever, a lot of you called her an inspiration, which she really was. I found a pink notebook that just said the usernames and the relationship of a dead relative, she titled it people to greet in heaven.
I am the husband of the woman who said she was dying, we have 4 kids, 12 year old boy, J, 10 year old boy K, and twin 8 year old boy, L and girl, M. I am 40 and my wife was 43. Yesterday morning I went to kiss her good morning and she was cold and unresponsive. I said her name several times and I shook her, like that would have done anything. I just made a loud noise, it was a combination of a shriek and a sob. This woke my children and our friend who also lives with us. Our friend has been taking care of our children since my wife got sick and I was growing my business. They came to my room and J pushed past our friend and got onto the bed. He touched her and froze. The look on his face is not something I will soon forget, I just grabbed him and sobbed really hard. Soon, all of the children were in the bed and crying with us.
I just can't believe I slept next to the dead body of my wife for what the people at the morgue can discern, about 6 hours, though they can't be certain. I didn't even get to say goodbye, there was no hand holding as she took her final breath, it was just dead in the morning. This weekend we had our romantic getaway in the house, we were supposed to do it next week but due to her getting sicker we decided to move it to this week. We also went to a cabin with the kids, our friend and our 2 dogs, one is an old girl, I don't keep track but she did, I stopped keeping track. The other is a year old, both rescues, both girls.
As a bit of background, we grew up on the same block, we went to the same school. We started to date, "date", when I was 11 and she was 14, but we never kissed until highschool and never slept with each other until I turned 18. She was abused her entire life. Her mom gave her dad her entire college fund after finding out what the pin was by threatening to kill her dog, which by the way her dad killed it anyway. After that my parents took her in and sent her to college. I went to the same one and when I was in my second semester she asked me to marry her, I told her we had to get our life together first. I should have just married her then. Then when I got out of college I started a business making equipment to sanitize medical equipment and I also had people go to sanitize medical equipment when necessary. As you can imagine the last year has been great financially. Once that got off the ground I accepted her proposal and we were married and immediately started trying for a baby.
Once she said she was pregnant I went crazy and would not stop kissing her. I kissed her, I kissed her belly. I was so happy I was going to be a dad, I am an only child and was a bit lonely growing up, you know when my wife wasn't around, so I wanted to have 5 children, I wanted to have a household where there was always laughter or crying or screaming, I love children, especially babies and toddlers and even when they're spitting up I can't get enough. After getting pregnant again, I was over the moon and again I would not stop kissing her. When J ran over to me after getting off work I pretended to fall over and struggled to get back up. But when I kissed my wife, I kissed her belly as well.
But then came the twins. At first, I was so happy she was pregnant with twins. But if I had known what I know now, I would have pushed for treatment. I love L and M, I do, but if I could have my wife over them, I would. Does that make me a bad father? Maybe. Her pregnancy was so bad. See, she was having a hard time breathing, harder than she should have. I should have marched her right to a hospital to get it checked out. But she insisted it was fine. It was ok. We are almost certain now that this is where it all started.
She had a very hard labor with the twins, then when she got home she was coughing a lot, and wheezing. She would wake up a lot due to being unable to breathe but she thought nothing of it, the twins messed up her oxygen level or something. She was always getting up anyway due to the twins being double the care. Then when they were about 6 months old, she said she really didn't feel good, she was pale and looked really bad. She kissed me good night and went to go upstairs and she just collapsed. I was in shock. I shook her and said her name and lightly slapped her several times, she was unconscious. And against my better judgement, I called her mom as my parents were in a business trip and said you get one chance, watch them but he comes near, you are dead to all of us.
We left in the ambulance and I was freaking out as soon as the doors closed, so my children wouldn't see. I told them I didn't know what this could be. They said her oxygen level was lower than it should be, how they knew that, I don't know. I clean the stuff and that's it. When she woke up the doctor told us it was stage 3 lung cancer and I wanted to cry, I want to yell, I wanted to throw things. But I couldn't. She was crying and I had to be the strong one so I started talking about what we could do. It was really hard.
So you bet when they said your wife only has 6 months to live I was she'll shocked. But she fainted this time so I cried and immediately called my parents. But when we went for the headaches and they said it's now in her brain and there's only 2 months left I broke down. I couldn't be the strong one anymore. I wish I could have been there for her when she died.
After the body was removed my parents came, I didn't call them and I guess my friend called. When they got upstairs my mom came for me and held me while my dad went for the kids. I don't like her mom as she allowed her to be abused by the man she claims is the greatest thing to have ever happened to her, even though he cheated on and abused her and she cheated on him and conceived my wife. The only good thing she's ever done really. He groomed her at around 13 and she had his first child at 15, did I mention when he met her he was 25? And her parents didn't care. Because my wife was not her husband's child she agreed she was to be treated awfully and took part in the abuse. She gave him her college fund because she needed to pay up for not being his blood.
But I did end up calling her and he showed up before she did and I made it clear to him that he was not to attend the funeral, that security would throw him out the instant he showed his face, and her mom was to leave after saying her goodbye, she is not well liked by my family or children because she keeps bring them around him. She tried to make my wife's death all about her and it got me so mad I would have hit her if my mom hadn't kicked her out and banned her from the funeral.
I have been an absolute mess the past day, and we had an open marriage, so I did have a girlfriend for the past 6 years. When she first suggested it I didn't agree but as she could sleep with me and I became more sexually frustrated, I asked her if I could and she said only if she got to meet her. My girlfriend and my wife got along great and she is devastated. She came over and I just held her, this was after the kids were taken out by my parents and our friend. I even slept with her, I'm the worst, I know. When the kids came back, they think my girlfriend is just a good friend, my parents made food and lots of it.
We opened the letter she wrote to each of us, as well as a video of her smile and saying everything would be ok. I had to have my girlfriend read mine because I just couldn't. She said I was her everything and that I was the best thing to happen is her. I love her still so much, half of me died when she died. She said i will know how to take care of my children and that there is nothing I can't do. Her video said that even though she's gone she will be with them and that's when we gave my kids their build a bear animals with a voicebox that said I love you, I will always love you and something personal to them. I have one, too.
I, unfortunately, made the mistake of bringing up watching the Power Rangers, J screamed I don't want to watch it with you, I want to watch it with my mom! And he ran upstairs to his room. There's a crawl space that's decorated to be his space that he can lock and he just sat in there and I decided he needed time alone. K was really upset and sat on my lap crying, L ran to my parents and M grabbed the older dog while trying to pick up the younger one. They're both toy poodles but as an 8 year old she can't pick up 2 of them. I just wish I had kept my mouth shut, I didn't even think about what mentioning the Power Rangers would do to them.
I begged everyone to eat and my daughter said she'd only eat if I did so I put on a smile and started eating, even though I wanted to throw up. K and L had a few bites but J refused and when I went upstairs with a bowl of food and opened his space he screamed at me to get out and threw his shoes at me. I left the food in his space and relocked the door. J and his mom were really close, but ever since we told the kids my wife had 6, and then 2, months to live, they've been cold and distant. I think they're guilty.
Nobody slept last night. The old dog came onto my bed and started howling while clawing at my wife's spot, maybe she could smell the death, maybe she just knew, maybe she's just a dog but I couldn't deal with it and I put her in M's room and said don't let her out. My girlfriend did not sleep in my bed, I'm not ready for that yet not will I be for a while and the kids would get really upset. She instead slept on the floor in M's room at her own insistence. Out of all of my children, M is the one handling this the best, she even laughed last night while hanging out with my girlfriend. She was probably the only one to get any sleep.
This morning I checked on J and he said he wanted to be alone and threw more things are me but I just went up to him and hugged him saying I love him matter what and so does his mother. He just cried and I asked him to eat but he said he wouldn't and I told him he had to. J has shut down emotionally and K and L aren't any better. M on the other hand, I don't know why or how but she's ok. She carries the dog everywhere and she and my girlfriend have always gotten along so she has gravitated towards her.
The hospital called and said after the autopsy, not only had the cancer my wife had spread to her bones, which I didn't even know it could be there, but she had an aneurysm. They did an MRI to find the cancer in her brain and now they say there was a fucking aneurysm that they didn't catch that burst? I absolutely lost it and I'm not proud but I just started yelling and cursing at them that they were incompetent and they were the reason she died. I feel especially bad now because that was probably just some poor secretary who didn't get paid enough to take that abuse. I just broke down after.
Her biological father, who we found out about through 23 and me, is devastated because he never got to meet her and her mom said she'll hurt the man if she sees him. He is staying with us as he applies for US citizenship, from Scotland, but he video called us and made my children laugh with the way he talks, which made me smile. He didn't even mean to make them laugh but he'll take it. He is coming to the funeral as by the time it happens, which I've reserved a spot for Sunday, he'll have been quarantined for 10 days. He's already been here for almost a week.
Now we're at the point where I can't even connect with my boys, but the worst is J. J won't talk to anyone, J won't eat and then is sporadic at best. K and L are upset but will eat here and there. I'm so scared J is going to hurt himself. Someone checks up on him every hour and hes usually in his space, my wife had a key and I have a key so we can watch him. I know it's only been a day and I know I can't take away the hurt otherwise I would, I really would. I know they need time and anything anyone can say is appreciated. Thank you and I'm sorry this is so heavy.
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**RIP** [u/throwawaygirl7777777](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwawaygirl7777777/) | holalesamigos | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q7qduw/op_is_dying_and_does_not_know_how_to_tell_her_kids/ | q7qduw | 29,186 | 670 | [
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2021-10-14T13:47:39 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q802et/deleted_by_user/ | q802et | 9 | 58 | [
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2021-10-14T14:27:37 | How do I [26F] tell my husband [31M] I'm addicted to drugs? | Relationships | **This is a repost, I am not the Original Poster.**
[TW:(SA)]
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/6cjph9/how_do_i_26f_tell_my_husband_31m_im_addicted_to/) by u/blacklaceshirt:*
Backstory: My husband and I have been married for (almost) five years. He's amazing, I know everyone says that but he really is an incredible person. He's a great husband, treats me well, he's supportive and loving and just everything I need him to be. I think I'm a pretty good wife to him as well, with the exception of this one thing.
I'm absolutely terrified to tell my husband I'm addicted to amphetamines. I need help and he deserves to know what his wife is doing but I can't bring myself to say the words. I don't want to be a source of stress or anxiety for him. I'm worried about how this could change his opinion of me or our relationship. I'm obviously ashamed of myself too. I think the idea of facing reality and giving up the drugs is part of it as well.
I'm unable to control this anymore. I bought meth for the second time this month despite swearing to myself I wouldn't do it again. I take dangerously high doses of Adderall and Dexedrine. I've lost weight- my BMI was on the lower end of normal to begin with and I'm borderline underweight now. My eyes look sad. I'm sleepy whenever I'm not high. I feel absolutely horrible about myself and I'm really scared.
I love him so much. I feel like a liar for keeping this from him. At the same time I'm worried about what it will do to him. He knows something's up. He's a Firefighter-Paramedic and interacts with people on drugs often so I wouldn't be surprised if it's crossed his mind. I'm fairly good about hiding it though, I limit my use to nights he's at work. We still spend time together. Our sex life is fine. He's pretty busy because he helps with his father's business in addition to working (he really is amazing). It's possible he has no idea and I'm about to drop this on him out of nowhere.
If anyone has been in this position or has advice I'd like to hear it (and appreciate you sharing). I honestly don't know what to say or how to begin the conversation. He's home today and I want to get it over with. I want to cry every time I look at him.
Edit: This is complicated by the fact that my only real friend where we live uses these drugs. My relationship with her has to end and I'm a little sad about it. She's more involved than I am and doesn't plan to stop anytime soon. There's no option but to go our separate ways. I'm probably looking for excuses to avoid talking to him too.
**Edited update:**
Thank you for the encouraging and kind responses. I told him.
He didn't know. He knew something was wrong but thought it had to do with depression. My cousin and best friend committed suicide last year; her birthday was in April and next month is the anniversary of her death. It makes sense he attributed anything different to something like depression. He was concerned about an eating disorder too. Also, I encapsulated the meth and took it orally. It was like a strong Adderall. I wasn't behaving like a stereotypical tweaker (like the people you see on TV). I'm only adding this to clarify the situation, not to minimize it. It's still meth. But I understand why he didn't suspect it. I'm also the last person anyone would suspect of doing drugs, especially meth. I used to teach kindergarten to give you some perspective. Other than experimenting in my late teens and my current situation I've never really used drugs or alcohol.
I'm so grateful for this man. He might be an actual Saint. When I told him he just put his arms around me and said "I love you. Everything's going to be okay." I just cried and cried. Then he started crying and I honestly wanted to die. He was very concerned about my health. He asked a few questions about headaches and my vision and wanted to check my blood pressure. He made me give him the drugs. He had a really hard time believing I was doing meth until he saw it. Then we talked some more and that's when he told me he was concerned about my mental health but never suspected drugs. He definitely had questions and I answered everything honestly. I made sure to take responsibility and chose my words carefully. This is the result of my bad decisions and nothing else. It's been a rough and emotional night but I feel better after telling him.
It was easier than I thought. I wish I hadn't waited so long to tell him. I feel so much better about quitting now, like stronger in a way, and it's such a relief to have this off my chest. It's like I can finally move forward. We talked a little bit about how to handle things but didn't make any solid plans yet. I'm contacting my old therapist tomorrow to make an appointment. I'm considering something like NA but I'm not religious so we'll see. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has them.
**Edited update 2:**
I just want to say thank you again for the supportive comments and messages. I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply or write to me. I've read everything but I'm tired and anxious and haven't been able to respond to everyone (sorry about that). My husband is at work now and I'm waiting for 9:00 to call the therapist's office. I'm reading up on NA in the meantime.
*[Last update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/9mjhkw/update_how_do_i_26f_tell_my_husband_31m_im/):*
I've been sober since May 22, 2017 :)
It's been almost a year and a half since I posted, I was a mess that day and really overwhelmed. You all gave me the push I needed to gather my courage and tell my husband about my drug use, thank you so much for that. I mean it, I knew he needed to know but I couldn't make myself follow through until I received encouragement a bunch of internet strangers. I hate to think what might have happened had I continued hiding it from him.
My husband has been supportive, compassionate, and kind throughout my recovery. I wouldn't be doing so well today without him, there aren't words to express how much I love him and how grateful I am to be married to such a good man. With the help of my therapist I was able to open up to him about being raped (it was a violent, ugly, all around horrible incident) and the effect PTSD has had on me (it's an explanation, not an excuse, for the drug use).
We've had to work on rebuilding trust and I realize that's going to take time. He still prefers I stay home most of the time and he has reservations about new friends- both are totally reasonable in my opinion. I understand his feelings completely. We do more together now and I feel more included in his life, which has really helped my mental health. Every day I do my best to prove my love, appreciation, and respect for him. We're both continually putting effort into ourselves and our marriage.
As for my recovery, I honestly feel a little weird calling it that. I didn't use long term and didn't face many of the same challenges as other addicts. But I am an addict, I'm always aware of that and I realize I'm no different fundamentally from someone doing heroin on the streets.
Drugs were a distraction and a way to escape bad memories and nightmares. They were also part of my social life as my only friend in the area (at that time) used them too. Once I accepted that I had, and will always have, PTSD and began getting proper treatment I didn't want anything to do with drugs. I'm extremely lucky and thankful I stopped when I did.
Dealing with my mental health hasn't been easy. Last August I went to a behavioral health hospital for six days. I didn't want to go at first but my husband and therapist convinced me I needed to- they were right. I felt much better afterward and I met a few people like me while I was there, it made me feel better to know I wasn't alone. People can say that you aren't alone all the time but it's different when you actually experience it.
My husband and I went to couples' therapy for 3 months. It helped us quite a bit, we realized we needed to talk about things that hadn't occurred to either of us before sitting down with a therapist. It helped me understand his feelings and how my drug use (and concealing it from him) affected him. It helped him understand why I did what I did. It gave us a safe place to talk and that eventually led to better communication in private.
I'm still seeing a therapist twice a month and attend group therapy once a month. I'm stable, healthy, and happy. I love my life and I'm really excited about the future. We're expecting a baby in the Spring and I can't wait to be a mom. I'm so looking forward to raising a family with my husband. Life is good. :) Thanks again, /r/relationships | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q80ujy/how_do_i_26f_tell_my_husband_31m_im_addicted_to/ | q80ujy | 8,703 | 972 | [
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2021-10-14T15:05:38 | Bride doesn't accept a gift from MIL for her wedding. | AITA | *This is a repost - I am not the original poster.*
Mood of the update: >!good, a step forward!<
[AITA For refusing to accept a present my fiancè's mother wanted to give me?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pd4e64/aita_for_refusing_to_accept_a_present_my_fianc%C3%A8s/)
&#x200B;
My (36F) fiance, David (34M) (name changed) and I have been together for about 6 years now. His family is very wealthy. Although I'm very successful and a high earner, my fiancè works for his family's business and makes more than I do.
I never want to be perceived to a "gold digger". Which is why I try to keep my expenses strictly separate from his. I pay for my half of everything, if he ever gives me a gift I make sure I get him something of equal value. David has often insisted on "treating" me but I always refuse. I really don't feel comfortable letting other people pay for me. My fiance has learned to respect this. After we get married, we will split all household expenses on a 50-50 basis.
Our wedding is in October. His parents insisted on paying for a grand wedding for us, but David and I convinced them that we'd rather pay for it ourselves.
The other day, David's mom showed me a diamond and sapphire necklace and earrings set that she had kept for David's future wife. She said she wanted me to have it and preferably wear it on our wedding day.
I felt very uncomfortable with this. I never accept any presents that I can't afford on my own. I told her I was flattered, but that I can't accept something so expensive. I told her I won't be able to give her something equally expensive in return and I'm not ok with that. She said she didn't want anything from me and that David's sister in law had also been given similar jewellery when she married his brother.
I told her I understand its their tradition but I can't compromise on my principles.
She said "ok, fine" but I could tell she was unhappy. Later on David told me I should have just accepted the jewellery because it would make his mom happy and because I'm "part of the family now". I explained to him that 1. No, I'm not really a part of his family, not the way he is, and 2. Being part of the family doesn't mean that I'm going to mooch off of them". He told me I should compromise and at least wear the set on the wedding day. I refused again as, for my wedding, I would rather wear jewellery that I have bought with my own money. David said he understood and will speak to his mother.
However, Davis's SIL called me this morning and told me his mom is still upset and that I she just accept the gift and that I'm "going too far with the independence thing". I have a feeling that David's mom is the one who put her up to this.
I do want to know what Reddit thinks. Are they right? Am I going too far with this, or are they crossing the line? AITA?
\----------------------------------
Sub deemed the OOP to be TA.
[Top Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pd4e64/comment/hanktkk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
YTA. For your score keeping and rigidly transactional relationship with money. It's understandable not to want to appear to be a gold digger, but marriage is a partnership and sometimes you have to pick up the slack for your partner. What would happen if your or your husband were unable to pay exactly 50% of the bills? Would you divorce?
Why would you assume that you would owe your FMIL for a wedding gift? It's to welcome you to their family and give you something that could be passed down to your kids. It was very hurtful to refuse a gift from your FMIL. You could have worn it once and then put it in a safe deposit box.
&#x200B;
[Comment that sums up my thoughts:](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pd4e64/comment/haooxjc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
YTA
You’re so focused on monetary value that you can’t accept a gift without seeing strings or connotations attached. You sound very alienating.
Every time your fiancé wants to give you a gift, you have to get him something of equal value? That’s wild. Relationships built on love don’t keep score this way.
You say your fiancé had to “learn” to respect this from you, but that sounds so sad. If every time I gave my husband a thoughtful little something, he went out and brought home something for me with a similar price tag, I would never feel like I was getting a nice present from him. It would always feel transactional and conditional. That’s…not how gifts to your loved ones should make them feel.
This woman was trying to welcome you into her family and you basically told her that you did not see her gift as anything affectionate but rather as a pile of money you couldn’t match. She isn’t pushing poker chips in and asking you to call or fold. She’s trying to be nice. And you’re so wrapped up in your own insecurity that you end up insulting her.
I guarantee she’s a lot more put off by your rude rejection than by the fact that you couldn’t buy her something of equal value in return (because the second thing is a very weird concern to have that literally only you are obsessing over).
\----------------------------------
[UPDATE, about 2 months later](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q7y3br/update_aita_for_refusing_to_accept_a_present_my/)
&#x200B;
I posted this weeks earlier and I'm now back with an update. I read all of your comments and advice about not thinking of gift giving as strictly transactional, and would like to thank you for your help and your honesty.
Anyway, my partner, David and I got married just 3 days ago. After posting about the necklace incident and after seriously considering all of your comments, I decided to speak to his mom. The next time we met in person, I sat down with her and told her I was sorry if I had hurt her feelings. I told her that I was honoured to know that she considers me a part of her family. My MIL took my hand in hers and told me that she respects me a lot for being so independent. She said one of the reasons she's so sure that her son made the right choice is because it's clear that I'm not with him for his money. She said she was proud of me for all that I've accomplished and the hardships I've had to overcome. She also said that it's ok to accept gifts from those who love you. I nodded. I had never really had a "heart to heart" with her before. Up until this point, our interactions had always been very formal. I never really knew that she felt any affection for me. I didn't know how to react.
She then gently asked me why I was always so distant. Why i still felt like I needed to prove that I'm not after anyone's money. She told me I didn't have to. That everyone already knew that I'm more than capable of pulling my own weight, paying my own bills etc. And that it was time for me to relax and let my guard down a little.
I was tongue tied, as I usually get with emotional conversations. I thought about telling her all about my childhood, my traumas etc etc etc. But I didn't as I did not want to burden her. I haven't even told David. As it was time for me to leave, we hugged awkwardly. For the first time. I just nodded. If I had spoken, I might have cried.
A few days after that, my MIL came over again. She brought with her the necklace and earrings that I had refured to accept. She offered it to me again. I still didn't want to accept it. But I also didn't want to reject it again. I was just trying to figure out what to do. I must have looked stressed, because my MIL told me I didn't have to give myself a headache over it. She said it good naturedly, with a laugh. She then asked if I would like to just wear the earrings to the wedding along with my own necklace that I had bought for the occasion. I was so relieved. I excitedly said "yes, I love that idea". I thanked her. She had taken a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Later that day, David told me his mom was very happy that we could work things out. The wedding was beautiful. A quiet, intimate affair with lots of fun and laughter.
I still haven't worked out all my issues. But I'll continue to try.
Once again, thanks so much for your help. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q81l0j/bride_doesnt_accept_a_gift_from_mil_for_her/ | q81l0j | 8,227 | 1,119 | [
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2021-10-14T15:10:23 | I'm (25f) not sure if I'm a b**** or my husband (31m) is a useless selfish inconsiderate asshole | Relationships | ***This is a repost.***
TW: Possible Abuse.
&#x200B;
Posts by [u/bitchywifethrowaway/posts/](https://www.reddit.com/user/bitchywifethrowaway/posts/)
&#x200B;
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1mwlsl/im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my_husband_31m/)
Husband and I were together for 2 years before conceiving our daughter. She is now 2 months old.
I don't even know where to start, I think this is going to get very long. I think this has to be some kind of hormone thing because I went from being vaguely annoyed to just completely done with my husband more or less overnight. Up until a few days ago I didn't have any kind of postpartum mood things and I definitely don't feel depressed, but I feel SO fed up and annoyed.
My husband is a lazy father. There are worse, much worse, and he isn't a deadbeat, and he loves his daughter a lot. But I do literally 90-95% of the parenting; I parent 24 hours a day and am lucky if he steps in for an hour here or there. I haven't slept for longer than 3 hours in a row since she was born and I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm a grad student and I'm writing my dissertation right now, which I think any normal person realizes is stressful and not an easy thing to do. My husband seems to think that since I'm at home all day I'm basically a stay at home mom.
He is GREAT at making plans with his friends, drinking as much scotch as he wants, and taking care of his own needs. He has his friends over and goes out with them all the time, even doing overnights with them.
He pushes me to make plans to go out and have fun with my friends but it is NOT fun for me to spend the entire day working and taking care of the baby and pumping milk only to go out, have one drink, and feel like I'm going to fall asleep on the drive home. I don't have the time or energy to party and hang out like he apparently can. He doesn't understand -- even thought I have said in English, out loud, to his face -- that I don't want to go out with my friends, I just want him to take care of the baby while I stay in and work, undistracted.
Last night he suggested we make plans to go visit some out of town friends next month for a long weekend and I almost cried. I don't want him to go by himself and leave me with zero help for a long weekend, but I also don't have the time or energy to go on vacation for a long weekend!!!
I'm so sick of him, I feel like he is just completely selfish and irresponsible and if I didn't need his help so badly I'd wish he would just go away and party with his friends all the time and leave me alone.
Earlier this week I finally snapped and told him this stuff (for the millionth time) but I was really mad when I said it and I was really mean. He got very defensive but I finally managed to get him to do about 75% of the parenting stuff yesterday. Today he is out with his friends again.
I feel like I can't be nice to him anymore and I can't communicate effectively, I just want to scream at him and tell him he's a piece of shit.
Also if it is relevant, he does NOT financially support me, he does make more than I do but I have a fellowship and make enough to pay my own share of things.
What can I do, how do I stop hating him and being mean, how do I fix this?
**tl;dr**: Exhausted from writing dissertation and doing 90% of parenting, just wish my husband would do his fucking share, can't be nice to him anymore.
&#x200B;
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1ndmhv/update_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/)
&#x200B;
We had yet another calm, respectful conversation during which my husband promised to do more childcare. Later, he announced he had plans both Wednesday and Friday. I told him I really wished he would be more supportive and helpful, and I told him I was really feeling taken advantage of and hurt. He promised to watch the baby Saturday in exchange for going out Friday. Which I would have expected him to do already.
He stayed out all night Friday, took a sleeping pill when he got home, and slept until 4pm Saturday. Then he stayed up again all night playing Grand Theft Auto with his friend and went to bed at 7am this morning. So much for helping more.
My mother in law agreed to come visit for 2 nights this week. I am hoping she can talk some sense into him. But she thinks her son is the second coming of Christ so I don't know how well that conversation will go over.
I give up. I have lost a lot of respect and affection for my husband. If someone had told me even 3 months ago that my sweet, caring, responsible husband who couldn't wait to be a dad would be like this, I would never have believed them. From now on I am just going to expect absolutely nothing from him. I don't know if our marriage can recover.
On the plus side, the baby is sleeping more (straight through until 5am this morning) and my dissertation is almost done.
**tl;dr**: Shitty husband still shitty.
&#x200B;
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1o8si1/update_2_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/)
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Since I last posted, I turned in my dissertation and had yet another calm discussion with my husband. He started to get defensive during part of it, complaining that, "This is hard for me too, it's hard for me to leave our daughter and go to work all day." I didn't argue with him and just impressed upon him how stressed out and upset I was. I also brought up (not for the first time) that I really think we need to be in marriage counseling. He agreed.
Because his schedule is so much less flexible than mine, I asked him to make the counseling appointment; he did nothing; I sent him a list of providers our insurance covers; he did nothing; I called several providers myself and found some available times and then asked him to call them to see what fit with his schedule; he did nothing (sound familiar??? It's exactly like all his promises to help with the baby.) He has managed to plan a big birthday party for himself and is working on setting up a weekend trip out of town for us with some friends.
He has been somewhat better with the baby, and I have been more forceful and explicit about what I need from him. This morning he even changed her diaper without me asking him to. But it doesn't really matter now that my dissertation is in, and I have plenty of time/energy/patience for the baby. He wasn't there when I really needed him to be.
I am so filled with resentment. I don't know how to get through to him. For his birthday I'm giving him a copy of a book that a redditor recommended, [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-ebook/dp/B000FC1KCU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381521216&sr=8-1&keywords=john+gottman).
I feel like I got bait-and-switched. The man I married was so attentive, communicative, and loving. He was such a good listener and ONE OF THE REASONS I MARRIED HIM WAS BECAUSE WE COMMUNICATED SO WELL. I feel like becoming his wife/mother of his child demoted me, now he thinks he can do whatever he wants and take me for granted and he doesn't have to put any work into the relationship anymore.
I'm so upset, I want my nice husband back, I don't know who this man is that I'm living with.
**tl;dr**: Shitty husband less shitty; bitchy wife still mad.
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[UPDATE 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1q95z9/update_3_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/)
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So I was getting ready to post a final update saying that things were finally looking up. My husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor, and I think in the process of laying things out for her, it dawned on my husband what a jerk he was being. Initially he was really defensive, but even after just one session he started doing a better job with the baby and helping me out more. She is getting a lot more interactive and he does a great job playing with her.
I really thought things were getting better. Then, this week, he said his friend really wanted to hang out Friday night. I have another deadline on Monday so he said he understood if I didn't want him to go, but his friend really wanted him to. I offered a compromise -- leave after the baby goes down for the night, and be ready to be on baby duty by 11am the next day. He agreed and said he would spend the night there (avoiding drunk/tired driving) but would be home by 11 the next morning.
He came home at 5am instead. I was surprised to see him and worried he wouldn't be up by 11 but he said he missed us and wanted to be home, which was nice to hear, so I didn't give him a hard time.
I was pretty awake at that point and did some work until 7:30, when I decided to run out and get some coffee. They messed up my order so it ended up taking a little longer than I expected, but no more than 30 minutes total.
I came home to a screaming baby. She was in her crib NEXT TO MY SLEEPING HUSBAND and he was sleeping through her cries.
She was safe and it's not the end of the world, but it broke my heart to hear her cry like that, and I guess now it is confirmed that unless I specifically make an appointment for my husband to take care of his daughter he will literally do nothing for her.
There probably isn't any more advice to give at this point but I just wanted to give you all an update, since so many people offered tons and tons of advice and support. Thanks, [r/relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/).
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[UPDATE 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2hn50d/update_4_1_year_later_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a/)
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I posted a series of insane sleep-deprived rants almost 1 year ago about my husband's disappointing performance as a husband and father when our daughter was a newborn:
[Original](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1mwlsl/im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my_husband_31m/) tl;dr: Exhausted from writing dissertation and doing 90% of parenting, just wish my husband would do his fucking share, can't be nice to him anymore.
[Update 1](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1ndmhv/update_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/) tl;dr: Shitty husband still shitty.
[Update 2](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1o8si1/update_2_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/) tl;dr: Shitty husband less shitty; bitchy wife still mad.
[Update 3](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1q95z9/update_3_im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_bitch_or_my/) tl;dr: 2 steps forward, 1 step back
Well, it literally took a year, but my husband has turned into the husband and father I always thought he was.
He insists on doing her whole bedtime routine except for nursing, since he can't nurse her. Last week, he cleaned the house top to bottom without being asked "so we could spend the evening with each other instead of worrying about the house." This week, he did it again. He takes her for walks in the stroller to the grocery store just to spend daddy daughter time with her. He can make her laugh harder than anyone else.
How did we get here? I'm not sure. Looking back I guess it was a few things:
* I finished school and started a new job. For a while, I had a bad commute, so he had to get up with her to do her morning routine, and sometimes he had to do her bedtime routine too. He hated it so much we moved to shorten my commute. But I think it helped him realize how much I do.
* Marriage counseling. Our counselor was great, and really helped.
* I lowered my expectations. It's kind of cringey to say that, but it's true. I don't remember if I read this here on [r/relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/) or somewhere else, but I remember someone saying something like, "Don't get mad if you go to a vegetarian restaurant and they won't serve you a steak." Once I saw how little my husband did, I changed my expectations. I just started thinking of the baby as 100% my responsibility, and anything my husband did was just an extra. Not because I think that's how things SHOULD be, but because that was how they WERE. And any time he did anything helpful, I showered him with praise and thanked him profusely.
* Related to that, the advice "Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100." I decided that even if my husband wasn't doing his share, he probably was doing the best he could. Maybe my 100 was just more effective/efficient than his; maybe he would learn to do better; maybe I was undervaluing his contributions.
I wouldn't give any of this as advice to someone else and it doesn't sound that great written out like this. But it worked for us, and I can honestly say my marriage has never been better.
We are talking about another baby, and I think before we go down that road we will need to make some changes. Since we can both acknowledge that pregnancy and parenting is more work for me than for him, I may suggest moving to part-time work for the next few years. He doesn't mind making a bigger financial contribution and that might be a better division of labor for us.
Anyway, I was just reflecting on how much everything has changed and thought any of you who read the original posts way back when might appreciate a happy ending.
Thanks to all of you who helped me back then, I was very unhappy, exhausted, and crazy and a lot of you had many kind words and support for a stranger. Thanks for that.
**tl;dr**: It took a year to get here but my husband has really gotten his act together and is a great husband and father now. I'm glad we stuck by each other through our rough patch and we are much happier now.
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A related [UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/2xfa6v/husband_fuckups_really_need_some_advice_on_this/), thanks to [u/RunningIntoBedlem/](https://www.reddit.com/user/RunningIntoBedlem/) for the catch!!
My husband does not have a great track record as a dad. When our daughter was a newborn he was a worse than useless sack of shit. After a lot of talks and counseling he really shaped up. Things were going well.
Today, he picked our daughter (1.5) up from daycare so I could get a haircut. I got home about an hour after they did, and she was sitting on the couch quietly looking visibly upset and like she had been crying a lot. I asked if she had been fussy (she just gets like that sometimes) and husband said yeah, she had been acting weird since they got home. Almost as soon as I got home, he left to go meet up with a friend.
I tried to cheer my daughter up and nothing worked. She wouldn't even nurse and kept crying. I was starting to get legit concerned and then noticed she was kind of holding her wrist. I didn't see any bruises or swelling but I started panicking and called my husband. He suggested I check for a splinter but by now she was crying so hard I couldn't even hear him on the phone. I said I was really worried and I was going to take her to the ER to get checked out.
My first thought was that she must have gotten hurt at daycare, and they didn't tell me, and that it was going to be a whole fucking horrible situation. I felt like it was important to find out right away if something was broken or otherwise injured. My husband insisted I was being ridiculous and finally I snapped at him, said that if he didn't think she needed to go to the ER then he didn't have to fucking take her, and I hung up on him.
In the car on the way there she seemed to calm down and went from inconsolable crying to cheerful chattering. When we got to the parking lot of the ER I checked on her in the back and she was using her wrist to play with a toy. I even got her to give me a high five with it.
My husband called back again and said that she had been normal when he picked her up from daycare. He said maybe he had been too rough getting her out of the car seat or something. I told him we would talk about it later.
Finally I decided not to take her in to the ER. I figured if she was using the arm it wasn't broken, so not exactly an emergency, and if it still seems to hurt in the morning I can take her to the ER then or maybe urgent care if it's open. The hospital is also less than a mile from our house so it's not a big deal to go back.
I just like...what the fuck. Did my husband hurt our baby? Did he do it on purpose or because he's a fucking moron? Which one is worse? How the fuck do I talk to him about this? Also how irate can I be that he was about to let me take our daughter to the ER by myself while he went to hang out with his buddy?
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*Sadly she has not posted anything new in years.* | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q81ofn/im_25f_not_sure_if_im_a_b_or_my_husband_31m_is_a/ | q81ofn | 16,609 | 1,244 | [
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2021-10-14T19:07:31 | AITA for telling my stepdaughter to stop using period products in the bathroom she shares with my teenage sons? | AITA | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/chancecreator
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h0a45w/aita_for_telling_my_stepdaughter_to_stop_using/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I have been living with my new wife and stepdaughter for about 6 months now. She’s 19, almost 20, and I have three sons aged 18, 16 and 15. She’s a really good kid and she’s a good influence on my sons, I really enjoy having her around. My wife and her daughter moved into my house and sold theirs. My stepdaughters father isn’t present in her life, nor is my sons’ mother. All four children share a bathroom.
My sons have never lived for a long period of time with a woman, nor have any of them had long term girlfriends. They had short visitation periods when they were younger but never longer than an hour, so living with two women has been unusual for them.
My eldest son, 18, came to me last week and told me that his stepsister disposes of her used sanitary products in the trash can they share, but doesn’t use toilet roll or sandwich bags to disguise what they are, and it makes him uncomfortable which I think is reasonable. My sons are teenage boys and don’t want to see their stepsisters period products on full display.
A few nights ago I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and she was there doing some work for university. My wife had mentioned that she knew she was on her period so I took it as an opportunity to have a word with her. I told her my sons were uncomfortable and asked her if she’d mind putting her used products in diaper bags or flushing them down the toilet.
She laughed and told me it was rich coming from a man who “sheds like a gorilla” and has produced “three skid marking sons” which I thought was just an unnecessary attack. I’ve been nothing but nice to the girl and it’s hardly a comparison. My sons shouldn’t be subjected to her unhygienic products if it makes them uncomfortable. She went on to lecture me about how tampons can’t be flushed and that it’s bad for the environment if she uses diaper bags for every one which I think is just an excuse. I called her a scruff and told her that this was my house and that what I say goes.
I later asked my wife if she could have a word with her and she told me I was being ridiculous and that her daughter has had her period for ten years and knows what she’s doing. When I told her it was making my sons uncomfortable she said my sons needed to get a grip and turned over and went to sleep.
This is a genuine issue to me and she didn’t care enough to have a discussion about it. I asked my stepdaughter again in the morning and she did the same as her mother, completely dismissed it. Both of them have told me to stop being so silly but I don’t see how I’m being unreasonable when it makes my sons uncomfortable. AITA?
UPDATE — Not even two hours after I posted this, my wife and stepdaughter gathered my sons and I and gave us a full intensive “periods for pricks” course, Powerpoint and all. It was a hoot, they made an interactive quiz and everything. My sons and I learned a lot and apologised to my stepdaughter. Thankyou for your input | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q86gsf/aita_for_telling_my_stepdaughter_to_stop_using/ | q86gsf | 3,165 | 2,318 | [
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2021-10-14T19:33:13 | AITA for asking a neighbor if she wanted to share food? | AITA | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/AwayPerformer
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dp37p9/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Again, I’m not sure if this counts as an “update”, but I love when people accept their “asshole” title and learn. Feel free to remove this post if it doesn’t fit here!
I'm a 31 year old single guy who lives alone in an apartment complex. I've lived there for 6 years. My neighbor across the hall, a woman around my age or a little younger (I actually don't know her first name but I'll call her Katie) lives across the hall from me diagonally and has for about 2 years. We exchange hellos but aren't friendly, which is how it is with most of my neighbors.
So I don't know how to cook, and due to losing one of my part time gigs, I don't have as much money for takeout anymore. I'm getting really sick of eating cheap fast food or box mac and cheese. I'm gaining weight and I never feel great.
This is where Katie comes in. I can always smell her cooking in the hall and it always smells amazing (I know it isn't the other person at our end of our hall cause it's a single old man). I've even complimented it a few times. So I got the idea that I'd offer to give her some money each week to cook a little extra and bring it over to me (or I can pick it up from her!) at night. She's cooking anyway and then I'd have varied presumably delicious food.
I asked her the next time I saw her and she looked surprised and said she couldn't because she was too busy (which didn't make sense cause she cooks almost every day but okay). The next time I saw her a few days later, I asked her if she was sure and upped the amount I was offering, and she said she was sure and that it was rude to ask me, and that she isn't a housekeeper for hire and I should get a housekeeper if that's what I want. She also called me 'a stranger' even though we have talked in the halls before.
Overall she made me feel like a big jerk and really embarrassed for even asking her, and a little mad because she was acting like I was being creepy (I wasn't, trust me, she isn't my type). I think asking her to split cooking wasn't completely outlandish, since she cooks every day anyway and it wouldn't be hard to make a little more.
So, AITA?
EDIT: People keep assuming I'm sexist because I didn't think it was the old man who lives on our hall cooking. It's not an assumption for me. He and I have lived across from each other for 6 years. The cooking smells didn't start til she moved in, and I've talked to her about how good her cooking smells before.
EDIT: Okay. It is abundantly clear that I was the asshole and asking her was inappropriate and, as much as I hate to admit it, creepy. My instinct is to apologize to her but since my instinct was to ask her in the first place, I'll do the opposite and stay out of her hair. Thanks.
UPDATE FROM COMMENT POSTED IN r/AmITheAsshole META thread (https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e1bdi8/meta_which_post_do_you_most_wish_wed_gotten_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf):
I knew when I saw this thread with my real account that I would be mentioned. That thread was a real wake-up call for me about what a weirdo I was being. I ended up apologizing to my neighbor (whose name I now know!) and telling her I didn't realize how inappropriate my question was. She accepted the apology and we still nod and smile in the hallway when we see each other.
I will say that I talked to my old man neighbor yesterday and he told me that she left him a tray of fudge over the weekend for the holidays, and I received no such fudge, so I know there is lingering weirdness from my ask... and I totally understand it and do not feel that I deserve fudge.
So, thanks again for everyone for pointing out how weird and entitled I was acting. It did help, even the mean comments, because seeing the strong reactions people had to what I did made me realize there was no wiggle room for me to NOT be an asshole. | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q86zci/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/ | q86zci | 4,087 | 863 | [
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2021-10-15T06:01:33 | My ex says I got her pregnant, we only had sex once but the paternity results say something else | Relationship_Advice | *This is a Repost. I am not OP*
TW: >!Rape!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q08hdn/my_ex_says_i_got_her_pregnant_we_only_had_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by [u/ThrowRAsuperrlost](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAsuperrlost/)
It says I’m (24M) the father. We went this lab that that does prenatal paternity tests. At first I thought she (22F) was saying bullshit because I dumped her then 3 weeks later she’s telling everyone she’s pregnant and I broke up with her because of that since according to her I “didn’t wanna be a father”. Then made it worse when I was saying there’s no way it’s my kid because we had sex ONCE over 4 months ago. And she says she’s barely 10 wks. What’s freaking me out is it says I’m the father, so either she found a way to tamper with the results or she did something to me. As in before we broke up we’d sometimes spend the night at eachother’s apartments. I’m really worried since I take Trazodone at night due to my insomnia problem which leaves me knocked out completely. I don’t want to think maybe she did something but what else could it be?? It sounds crazy I know but we literally have not slept together for months. I’d remember an important detail like that. Then the way she’s been acting , she has this told you so look on her face and that’s made her blow up on me even more online about being a coward the whole time and now there’s proof I’m the father refusing to take responsibility.
All my friends and my family that were on my side saying she’s crazy are doubting me now when I told them there’s no way the baby’s mine. I don’t know what to do about it now. Is it possible she figured out how to mess with the results or is it possible she did what I think she did. How do I confront her about that??? I’m not ready for kids
Edit to add more info: I know the last time we had sex was May 15th. I know it was this date because we barely came back from the movies and still have the ticket
And since other ppl keep assuming: yeah I did use a condom which is another reason why I was completely sure there was no way the baby was mine. Especially when there was already an ultrasound that said she’s about 10 weeks pregnant now. That’s why it’s super confusing to me. It’s why I can’t stop freaking out about this
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q868sl/update_my_ex_says_i_got_her_pregnant_we_only_had/)
Wasn’t sure about updating after my last [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q08hdn/my_ex_says_i_got_her_pregnant_we_only_had_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) but thought fuck it already posted this far about my life. I found another place and asked her if we could do another test. Ofc she was all pissed but she agreed cause “whatever it’s your money.” My worst fear still came true even though I wanted to double check incase the last place messed up. Results still came back that I’m the father. And it was sent directly from them to my email.
This time I had a really serious talk with my ex because last ultrasound she had they were able to say how far along she was. Which is way off from the last time we had sex. She kept telling me we had sex around the time she got pregnant but she wouldn’t give me any details about when or how cause “it’s not her fault I don’t remember”. According to her we were already in bed and ended up having sex. I asked her stuff like what was I telling her, who started it cause I sure as fuck don’t remember any of that. Everytime we went to bed I knocked the hell out after taking my medication because I got work in the mornings and can’t be up late. I was nervous about asking this but I needed to know. So asked her was I already asleep, or like did I wake up and wanted to have sex? She didn’t wanna tell me anything. All she ended up telling me was I was hard wasn’t I, then that she’s done talking about it so I better accept it already cause no ones gonna believe me anyways and there’s nothing I can do about it. The way she said it though and how she was looking at me. Her fucking smirk pissed me the hell off but also got me anxious at the same time. Only thing I could say was good luck taking care of the baby on her own. She can come at me with the child support but it’s not gonna be a lot, I’m not gonna be involved at all so she should think about what she’s gonna do. My ex wanted to talk more about that cause I “need” to help too but that’s all I could tell her and she’s not gonna change my mind even if she decides to say more shit about me to everyone. Everything’s been shit so far. Have a list of ppl on my family and also some friends that I’ve blocked for now. My stomach still been acting up from all the stress. It’s been a lot going on. All I’m hoping is she realizes she’s gonna be on her own and decide not to go through with it | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8i1oj/my_ex_says_i_got_her_pregnant_we_only_had_sex/ | q8i1oj | 4,931 | 974 | [
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2021-10-15T06:22:29 | I (21F) am getting tired of being around my fiancé (20M). | Relationships | *This is a Repost. I am not the author.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/px4bpz/i_21f_am_getting_tired_of_being_around_my_fianc%C3%A9/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by [u/candycornisnasty](https://www.reddit.com/user/candycornisnasty/)
We have been together for two years.
I will just get my frustrations out of the way since that's why I'm here.
He is pretty immature. I have to remind him on a daily/weekly basis to clean his room (he stays with me and my parents) and to do chores around the house since he doesn't have a job. He moved in with us last year due to family issues with his dad. My parents have been more than welcoming but they're getting pretty tired of him just laying around playing video games and not working.
He does not have a diploma. He dropped out of high school because he did not want to repeat senior year (not his fault, it was the school's) and was terrified of what the other kids would think of him. He was supposed to get his GED back in 2019 but he quit (due to accusations that could have ruined his life). He does not have his license and has made no efforts to get it because he "is waiting for his dad for the payments." He had a job at a fast food place but quit after two days because he had to do work he didn't like. He is studying again for his GED but, again, I have to remind him.
He is terrified of rejection and will do literally anything to prevent it if he thinks it's going to happen. He had broken up with me numerous times at the beginning of our relationship in fear of getting close to me. He broke up with me once because he didn't want to come to my house for dinner. Yes, that's incredibly immature, and I understand a LOT of, if not most, people would have just blocked him everywhere and moved on. For whatever reason, I had a nagging feeling and wanted to be with him.
He is very picky about therapists. They can't be too nice, too cheery, too angry, etc.. It frustrates me because every single therapist has had SOME type of issue with their appearance or emotions (being too happy for example) and he'll stop going because of that. I need him to get help for his mental issues but he always has an excuse.
That's another thing. He has a reason for EVERYTHING. I give him a solution to his problem that he asked for advice on? Nope. Solution doesn't work, even if he's never tried it once in his life. He just knows it won't work so it's not worth trying. He has friends that treat him like shit and I tell him to tell them to knock it off or to simply block them and he always gives me a reason why it won't work to stand up for himself and how it's just that way with them. It drives me up the wall and it this point I'm going to tell him to stop asking me for advice if all he's going to do is shoot me down every time I suggest something.
He depends on his dad too much. I understand his dad is his only parent, but if you could see the way his dad treats him... It's disgusting. He is very neglectful and basically treats my fiancé as trash. He has made many promises and has broken each one. He was supposed to pay for my fiancé's GED classes and test but decided to buy marijuana instead. He was supposed to take my fiancé to take his permit test but decided to lie and say he had to work when in reality he was at home watching TV. Each time I or my parents offered to buy the tests or take him to the DMV, he would decline because "his dad would get mad." He is over 18. He needs to make decisions for himself without worrying about how his dad will feel. He can't get punished because he doesn't live there anymore, so.
I feel awful writing this down. I dream of us getting married and having a family, but the dreams are beginning to turn to static. I am starting to have a lot of doubts. We have had multiple conversations this week about our relationship and none of them have soothed my mind. I worry about him constantly and the possibility his depression overtaking him. It is a great fear I've had since an incident two years ago (I'm sure you can guess, if not I will clarify).
I love him a lot. He is my entire world and I am happy to see him when I'm home from work. But now I'm starting to get resentful. My parents are constantly asking me why he doesn't study or have his license or why he's always playing and it frustrates me. I know they're annoyed, believe me, they have every right to be, but this is every fucking day. I can't take it anymore. I'm starting to dissociate at work and my mental issues are getting worse because of the constant worrying between my health, my fiancé, and my parents.
I really don't want to end the relationship. He told me he is going to try to get better with the chores and studying. I need to be patient (the last conversation about those topics was last night), my dad even told me that, but I just wish it was immediate. I wouldn't have to hear the complaints anymore. I'm worried for my mental health now because I'm at the point where I either want to have myself committed or drive off somewhere and not come back for a week (I won't do it because that's immature and will cause a lot of worry).
Please, any advice. I'm just tired. I want to not be tired. I need to be patient with him and I'm trying my best. I'm sorry
TL;DR: My fiancé is immature and I'm trying to be as patient as possible but I'm starting to get tired. How do/can I cope with it without ending the relationship?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q5mg1w/update_i_21f_am_getting_tired_of_being_around_my/) ^((4 days old))
TLDR: Broke up with him and moved on.
I posted here over two weeks ago venting about my fiancé and his issues. Pretty sure all of you who commented were in agreement that we were both immature, especially him, and that staying with him would get me nowhere.
We have broken up.
Since I made the post, we had had many conversations about the relationship. I was clearly unhappy, and all he did was make excuses and promises that I knew he wouldn't keep. I decided to do some self reflection and realized why I stayed with him. I wanted to "fix" him to feel better about myself. I wanted to feel better by making him feel better. I also felt I had put a lot of time and effort into the relationship. However, I knew it wouldn't matter because in the end, nothing was going to change.
It went pretty well. He knew that it was coming and was prepared for it. We left on good terms, so I'm pretty happy about that. I wished him well and hoped he would make it through life okay. He said he hoped I would find somebody who treated me well and to live out my dreams.
I felt myself stop being IN love with him. I love him, but more in a caring way. My romantic feelings for him were gone weeks ago and I didn't want to admit it to myself.
Thank you all for kicking me in the ass and telling me to get the fuck out. I need to start caring about myself for a change. The self reflection did a lot to help me and I believe more sessions with my psychologist would be beneficial as well.
Good luck to you all. :) | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8ic4j/i_21f_am_getting_tired_of_being_around_my_fiancé/ | q8ic4j | 7,111 | 743 | [
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2021-10-15T06:59:08 | Kindness at Work | AskAManager | *This is a repost sub, I am not OP.*
**Original post:** [**Kindness at Work**](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/11/lets-talk-about-kindness-at-work.html#comment-3175395)
My nephew tested positive for COVID on Oct. 14th. He went into quarantine/isolation. His mother also had to quarantine. Her employer does not participate in FFCRA. She 2 weeks no pay. Then she got sick, had to go to the emergency room twice on Oct. 28th. She was tested for COVID, got her positive results yesterday, she and her son have to isolate until Nov. 17th. So it will be an entire month with no pay. And she’s a single mom and the dad is way behind on child support.
A coworker overheard me on the phone talking to her yesterday. She was asking me for more money for bills and groceries. Because I am literally broke from paying her bills, my bills and groceries while she was in quarantine, I have nothing to give her. It hurts. She’s my family, my only sister and I have nothing to help her with. I came back from break and there was an envelope with a check for $100 to help my sister. This woman has a family and a child that has been ill and required a couple of medical procedures recently but still wanted to help. That money was a blessing and will be putting groceries on her table.
**Update:** [**A happy ending**](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/11/a-happy-ending-2.html)
Hello AAM community! This is an update to my post on “Kindness at Work” regarding my sister and nephew who both tested positive for COVID. My sister had been unable to work for a month due to quarantine, was struggling to pay bills, get necessities and I was out of funds to help her. A coworker had overheard part of our conversation and gave me a check for her, even though she had a daughter who had been sick and required several medical procedures.
First, I would like to say THANK YOU to all of those who offered my sister assistance. It was truly a blessing for them. With the assistance of the commenters and some additional resources, she was able to pay all of her bills, purchase groceries, get her medicine, get her heater fixed and has a small bit leftover in case anything comes up before she gets paid. She actually returns to work today and her manager is offering her as many hours as she feels up to through the holidays.
I took the morning off after the post and made some calls on her behalf. I called the nutrition department of the school district to inquire about any possible resources, as they had been giving out food boxes for student families during the summer. They have a program to deliver food boxes to student families who are in isolation/quarantine because of COVID. It is a mix of nonperishables and fresh vegetables. They call to let you know they are on the way, put the box on your porch and honk the horn. They were able to order some things online and have them delivered. They will get another box Tuesday or Wednesday. His high school is currently 100% virtual due to a COVID outbreak among the band (100 plus students tested positive), so he may or may not go back next week. He had been home for almost three weeks when that outbreak happened.
I also found out that although her employer does not participate in FFCRA, they have an emergency fund you can apply for. So I had my nephew take photos of her bills and email them to me. Then I put her on speakerphone (at home, not in the office!) and asked her the questions on the online application and typed in the answers. She was approved and they deposited the money into her account.
Using social media, I made contact with my nephew’s paternal grandmother. She said she doesn’t speak to her son much for various reasons and she was quite upset he wasn’t paying his child support. I explained the situation and she wired money to my sister. I gave her my nephew’s phone number (with his and my sister’s permission) and they are talking, texting and video calling each other now.
Things are definitely looking better for them. I don’t think I can sufficiently express my sincere appreciation for the help provided. My sister and nephew are extremely grateful and moved by the compassion that this community showed them. You are awesome people! I’m so glad that I found this site years ago when I wanted to know if I needed to buy my coworker a gift for her third wedding since I had bought gifts for the first two!
Alison- thank you so much for this site! This is not the first time your people have helped other commenters in need and I’m sure it won’t be the last. In case I haven’t said it enough, let me say it again- this is an amazing group of people!
Stay safe AAM community!
***Allison's comment***: *Me again. For more ways to help others, please consider donating (food or money) to your local food pantry or using* [*any of the ideas here!*](https://www.care.com/c/stories/16698/ways-to-help-others-coronavirus/) | catbert359 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8itl1/kindness_at_work/ | q8itl1 | 4,896 | 766 | [
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2021-10-15T12:47:01 | "Gf (28f) asked for open relationship. I (29m) want to break up" + update | Relationship_Advice | ***I am not OP, this is a repost***
[**Original Post - 14 October 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q83ch9/gf_28f_asked_for_open_relationship_i29m_want_to/)
Basically what the title says. She was talking about the Will Smith interview and that she wonders how they manage that. I said there are all kinds of people in the world, its a big world after all. No point in worrying about them. Then she said we should have an open relationship but I said no, I have no interest in that. We argued back and forth until it suddenly dawned on me that I have the prefect solution here. So I told her we should break up and find someone more compatible. She broke down crying and said she should be allowed to list out her fantasies and my point is that its a lifestyle choice, one in which I have no interest. She said its not a dealbreaker for her if it meant breaking up with me.
For the record, she has had a much more extensive sexual life than me, she is someone who detach sex and emotions while I need to form an emotional bond before sex (I think I am demisexual). Our sexual life is very good, 4-5 nights a week and plenty of non sexual physical contact. Anyways she is treating the matter as closed(she says she proposed, we argued and i turned it down so its done) but I am not convinced. Are we doomed or can it work? Oh, and we have been dating for 1 year. Please advice as I am in two minds here. I agree that she should speak her fantasies even if it remains just that. But this is more than a fantasy, right? Help me out here folks.
&#x200B;
[**Update - 15 October 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8k8gx/update_gf_28f_wants_an_open_relationship_i_29m/)
So, I had a long heart to heart with her. I started with asking if it was a deal breaker for her? She said absolutely not. Then I asked why was she debating it and she said that she was only trying to win the argument in the moment. She never thought I would actually utter the words break up. Thats why she cried, because in her mind we were just having a spirited discussion like we have all the time on topics like Coal vs renewable energy, electric cars vs hydrogen cars, vegans vs non vegans, atheism vs religion vs spiritualism, Tony Stark vs Bruce Wayne and so on and so forth. Its true, we have a lot of these discussions its one of our favorite past-time. And she said when you suddenly brought up breakup I was like wtf, where did this come from? She also agreed that her crying was a bit immature and childish but she was hurt that I even thought about breaking up, but it was definitely not manipulative. And she said i should expect her to cry in future arguments too.
Then we discussed about the open relationship topic and she said for her emotional intimacy is of more importance than physical intimacy. She also said that her dealbreaker would be if I have an emotional affair, that she can't get past. I ask if she wants to have sex with someone else than me and she said only if you agree. I said well in that case i will feel guilty that I am stopping you from enjoying your life, and she asked well should she also feel guilty that we only go to restaurants which have a good vegan venue because she is vegan and I am not? Am I stopping you from living your life or do you do it because you are an adult who makes his own decisions and you love me? So please trust me when I say that I will be perfectly happy having sex with just you as long as you dont neglect my needs, which you dont. In fact I am having the time of my life right now both physically and emotionally, so if you want to break up then go ahead (I would you rather not) but I am having all my needs met by you and I plan on being in a relationship with you.
I asked what if we get married and stay together for the next 50 years, will you be ok with that? She said, well if we get married and our marriage breaks down for any reason I can assure you that it wont be because of infidelity. But we should also be secure enough that I tell you "see that guy,/girl, I would like to f\*uck him/her and you tell me yeah not happening, i pout then we move on,secure in the knowledge that we trust each other enough to not hurt our marriage". Can you trust me now that you know I am capable of having these feelings? If you say yes then i will trust you so likewise I hope you trust me when i say I am perfectly happy not having sex with people outside of our relationship.
It was an emotionally charged conversation and she was hurt by my actions yesterday but also understood why I had such a strong reaction. So now we are putting it in the same bin where we keep our other arguments, close the lid and move on till we find our next topic. And yes I love her very much, enough to marry her and I know she loves or rather adores me. Thank you for everyone who commented and gave advice. We really appreciate this. If you have any question feel free to ask, I am going to cook something nice for her now so I will answer you when I have time. Have a nice day everyone!
***Once again, I am not OP, this is a repost*** | Independent-Algae493 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8np9m/gf_28f_asked_for_open_relationship_i_29m_want_to/ | q8np9m | 5,133 | 845 | [
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2021-10-15T16:16:09 | Our son [19m] dropped 2 big bombs on us [my wife 50f & myself 49m], he's gay and married his best friend [19m]. Please help! + UPDATE | INCONCLUSIVE | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q4iu13/our_son19m_dropped_2_big_bombs_on_usmy_wife_50f/) by u/ThrowRALost_Dad
His best friend I guess technically his husband or partner now is the son of good friends of ours so we were all having dinner and they dropped this news on all of us. They like us had no idea either of them was gay let alone in a relationship, it was a shock to all of us. Hell my buddy at first didn't even get they were saying they got married to each other until they took each others hands[our boys that is]. His parents flipped out, his mother started crying hysterically. My son and his friend stormed out as everyone was yelling and no matter what I said no one would calm down. I tried to stop the boys from leaving even chased them as they head to the car but emotions were high, and they refused to stay. I was able to hug them goodbye and get out I love you but again emotions were high I was crying they were crying.
Our friends left angry and my wife just kept crying saying he's not gay he can't be gay that we have to help him. When I tried to tell her we have to love him for who he is she stormed off and locked herself in our room. I ended up "sleeping" if you can even call it that on the couch for a few hours and been awake trying to figure out how to fix all this. I love my son i'd be lying if I said I was completely ok with this or wasn't struggling a little but no matter what he's my son. So please please help me with advice here.
I'm running on like 2 hours of sleep and emotionally exhausted so forgive me if this isn't perfectly worded or written.
EDIT I know he's my son i'm asking how to fix this for him, for them, to make it better for them.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8os1g/update_on_my_post_our_son19m_dropped_2_big_bombs/)
First I must clarify that I was not asking for help on them being gay or married, I was seeking help on how to get everyone else to be more understanding to them. To help fix the hurt caused to my boys. Some of you were so thoughtful and helpful with your response so thank you all so very much.
It's been a hectic and busy few days, Shortly after I posted I went over to their apartment when my son in law texted me back that I could come over. It was such an emotional morning at least one of the three of us was almost always crying. They opened up and shared so many things with me and I stressed how much I love them both along with how sorry I was for not seeing it or making an environment where they felt safe to come out. I told them that I understand why they didn't tell us but that if they had given me the chance i'd have been their to watch them get married. They shared pictures and video with me that friends recorded, it was a simple ceremony with a few friends which obviously lead to more tears. I comforted them and they did the same for me till I took a much needed nap there.
Since then i've been talking with and seeing them a lot, I took them out to dinner to celebrate their marriage and my son in law went with me to PFLAG. PFLAG was good, I got booklets and met some parents who i'll be having dinner with tonight that also recommended an open LGBT friendly church. I've left a few of the booklets around the house for my wife but she has been throwing them out or shoving them away in drawers.
On to the bad parts now, my son in laws family won't speak to him and when I tried it did not go well. I called my friend to see if we could get together just them, my wife and my self to discuss everything. His response was to blame my son for everything and even accuse him of "turning their son gay", I'll be honest I had choice words for him then hung up. I hope in time they'll come around but I have made sure to stress to my son in law that i've always loved him like a second son so now he officially is my second son.
Things with my wife are tense, she's been to church a lot even mentioned "programs" to help which I have shut down. She locked herself in our bedroom a few nights, I even stayed at my boys apartment one of them to not sleep on the couch. I've actually told her i'm done with her doing that, locking me out of our room I mean and that she can sleep on the couch if she wishes which she has done. I've also told her I am willing to sit and listen to her but that she will have to do the same with me so we can both discuss this properly. I've stressed that he is our son that they are both our boys now and no matter what I am going to support them which has meant her refusing to discuss thing. I'm hoping in time she'll come around it's all so fresh but ultimately my son has always come first even before myself so he will continue to do so.
I'd hate to leave this on the sour of that so I'll mention I plan on asking my boys if they'd be willing to have a second ceremony or party some time in the future.
Thank you all again, best wishes | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8rs0d/our_son_19m_dropped_2_big_bombs_on_us_my_wife_50f/ | q8rs0d | 4,946 | 2,273 | [
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2021-10-15T22:06:28 | An employee who is ranked #1 at their workplace has a *chef's kiss* response to a manager giving them grief for taking their approved medical accommodation. Or, alternatively, "what not to do in a job seeker's market if you're having trouble with staff retention." | Antiwork | *I am not the OP of this post. This post has been copied and pasted into this subreddit for the purposes of curating the best Reddit updates in one subreddit. You can find the link to the OP below.*
*The OOP's first post was submitted as a standalone screenshot, which I have transcribed below.*
[**Original post**: Quit my job last night, it was nice to be home to make the kids breakfast and take them to school today! Off to hunt for a new opportunity, wish me luck :)](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/q82vqk/quit_my_job_last_night_it_was_nice_to_be_home_to/)
*Text conversation:*
**Sender:**
Good evening [REDACTED]. I was reviewing the cameras from our shift today and noticed that you were sitting on a stool for the majority of your shift. This is completely unacceptable behavior and we will be discussing it tomorrow before shift.
**Recipient:**
I cleared it with [REDACTED LEAD NAME]. I have 2 broken bones in my left foot (doctor documented).
Aside from that - I packed 240+ UPH for the entirety of my shift, 12 full hours. I'm not sure if you're aware, but we do have a ranked list for packing displayed directly above our stations. My efforts earned me first place today.
So just to be clear- my impressive performance was overshadowed by the fact that I wasn't uncomfortable enough while doing it?
**Sender:**
I'm really not appreciating your attitude. You could have just said the first part where it was cleared with another lead instead of being disrespectful. This type of behavior isn't going to get you anywhere here.
**Recipient:**
Hey, thanks for wasting my precious off time with some garbage you didn't bother to investigate beforehand.
Seriously - 240+ UPH - what you claim to be the pinnacle of performance there, I achieved it, and I get grief because I was sitting while doing it. You guys need to get your priorities straight. It is no wonder that you have such difficulties retaining staff.
I'm not concerned with going "anywhere" there. It's a toxic environment with ignorant people at the helm. I won't be in tomorrow or ever again.
**Sender:**
We don't need to rush to you leaving. Let's talk in the morning and we can sort this out.
**Recipient:**
No thanks. Have a good life.
[**UPDATE POST**](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/q8shnc/hello_i_had_the_front_page_post_yesterday_about/)
I’m going to say it’s impossible for me to answer all the comments, so I’m going to try and shed a little light here.
I was working for a healthy living fulfillment warehouse (I’m not going to be specific because I value mine and my families privacy). I packed orders, just as simple as that. Pay was ok for the area (16/hr), although the COL is fairly high here.
I’m done being bullied by anyone. I went through horrid abuse as a child and adult (plenty of that on my profile so I’m not getting into it here). People that want you to be a part of their organization or family will treat you accordingly. People like my former boss and family treat people like they own them, and it’s our responsibility to show them that they absolutely do not.
My immediate family has had a hard couple years, but we are ok now. We live in a converted 5th wheel that we remodeled ourselves, and we trimmed our monthly expenses so that we didn’t need to make tons of money to survive. We saved enough to go without working for a couple months just in case something happened. It’s not a ton, but food will be on the table and our utilities will stay on.
I applied to several places yesterday. But I think I’m going to take a week off. The park near our house has a lot of garbage and I’ve wished that I had more time to clean it up a little as our kids love it there, so that’s how ill spend my week before getting back to the grind. I just want to give something back.
I’m overwhelmed at the support from y’all. Fucking incredible. I opened up my app last night and wow o wow I’ve never seen so many awards on a post (guys, I’m incredibly thankful, but please save your money, this is just too much). The really big thing is so many people reaching out to me about finding a job. There are offers from everywhere and I’m hoping to find one close to us. Would be nice to work somewhere that really gets it.
There are opportunities out there. Don’t settle for being treated as less than human. We are better than that. We are what makes the world go round. It doesn’t matter what they are selling if there is no one to man the stores, answer the phones, or take out the garbage. Their dreams hinge on us more so than ours do on them.
Thank you, reddit. Thank you so much for the support. I will be replying to the DMs I was sent because they are just more manageable.
You guys are incredible. I reached out almost two years ago for support and 1000s of strangers grabbed my hands and told me it would be ok. Y’all were right. I’m ok enough to know my worth again. I am living as my best self, for my family. Thank you for being here for us, I can’t express how much it means.
Truly,
J
---
[FINAL UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/qxkhsy/hey_reddit_i_had_a_front_page_post_here_a_month/) (Thanks to /u/DoodlingDaughter for flagging this update.)
Hey reddit, I had a front page post here a month ago and wanted to give you guys an update.
It’s been a bit over a month since I quit my warehouse job and I can’t say how appreciative I am of how supportive this community has been. I took my week off and did some picking up at a local park - it was only like 10 buckets of trash so not really that much work, most of it was cigarette butts. I enjoyed the time outside, it’s always nice connecting with nature.
A local redditor reached out to me with a temp job the week after and I spent several days cleaning out a rental that had housed a hoarder. The tenant passed away from covid a while back and the owner needed some help getting it ready to rent again. Overall was a very sad experience, but it did pay enough for nearly 3 weeks of our expenses so in the end it was worth it.
The following week our son brought covid home from school and we quarantined for 2 weeks. No one got real sick (vaccinated), just very tired for a few days and a loss of smell/taste (that really sucks by the way). He finally went back to school and brought home a stomach bug, but we are mostly healed up from that as well - our little girl managed to go all week well and started vomiting the day after the rest of us were feeling better. Starting to wish we had homeschooled this year, kids are such little Petri dishes. Covid sucks even when you’re vaccinated, so be safe out there and wash your hands often.
Some awesome news is a few redditors sent us some cash to do something fun with the kids, we got two ice cream dates and a drive in movie in thanks to their kindness :) Also, another redditor sent us some cash to help with bills and another bought us one share of GameStop - yet another sent us some cash to buy new grabber thingys to pick up trash in the park (the kids love theirs) I can’t say how thankful we were to have those fun experiences with our kids, and how nice it was to relive some pressure from our finances. The GameStop share is just amazing, our kids now have a portfolio to share :)
I got a job! I start training for a forklift position on December 1st. So going unemployed a bit longer than I intended, but we are still ok until I start getting paid again. I feel like this will be good for me, I’ll get to stay off my feet for the most part and get to look for something better in the meantime. I do need to ask for some help though, with two things. I’ve had several redditors tell me I should be a writer. If anyone knows anything about how to get into that field, I would be forever grateful for your advise. I have no idea where to start. The other is: does anyone know a talented orthopedic surgeon? Specifically one that works with feet. I have two crushed sesamoid bones in my foot and I’ve seen 3 surgeons, none of which could help me. It’s been over 3 years and it still hurts all the time. So overall, it’s been a good month. I’ve gotten so much time with the kids, and it’s been a blast getting to be their teacher. Coming up with lessons at home has been an incredibly fun and rewarding experience. We’ve made memories. I have 12 days until I start the new job, so I’m ecstatic to get to share more time with the family.
To the few people that have messaged me saying we deserve to lose our kids and that it’s selfish to want decent working conditions - when did you lose your humanity? You need professional help, and I mean that with all sincerity. Please get some help.
To all the kind people that have reached out with supportive words and stories, thank you so much for sharing a piece of yourselves. It definitely helped :)
Our anniversary falls on thanksgiving this year and I think we are finally going to see the Pacific Ocean. We traveled all the way from the Atlantic 2 years ago to the day when escaping my horrid family and it’s time to finally finish the cross country and see the big blue. Just a day trip, but I think it will be good for all of us.
You guys are the best and you deserve the best. Don’t settle for poverty wages or being treated as just a cog in the machine. You’re a goddamn person and you deserve fair wages and respect. You deserve a decent, happy life.
You cannot negotiate with abusers, you can only leave them.
My best to all of you,
J | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q8ynec/an_employee_who_is_ranked_1_at_their_workplace/ | q8ynec | 9,485 | 1,590 | [
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2021-10-16T09:30:57 | Bf faked death and then called my reaction manipulative | Relationship_Advice | *I am not the OP. This is a Repost. I had to go via reveddit to find the original, hence the link.*
TW: Self Harm
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pzuwlm/bf_faked_death_and_then_called_my_reaction/) by [u/throwra186252](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra186252/) *(Oct 02 2021)* *^(removed by mods)*
[reveddit link](https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationship_advice/comments/pzuwlm/bf_faked_death_and_then_called_my_reaction/)
&#x200B;
Me and boyfriend, I'm 21f, he's 24m. Together for 3 years, live apart but have/had plans to rent together soon. Everything perfect before this.
Backstory- I have a history of self harm. Have done since I was 11 years old. The last time I did it was 2 years ago. I have some brutal scars but I'm doing much better and I'm in therapy. It's been a while since I even had the urge.
My boyfriend had an ex before me who played mind games a lot. I feel it's relevant as he sometimes thinks I'm playing games when I'm not. For example he was wary when we started dating that I would self harm for attention or do it to punish him (his ex would threaten things like that if he ever left her) I don't/haven't ever done this and despite my struggles, I am pretty good with being patient and communicative. Until this, I considered us to have a really healthy relationship.
Main story- bf went out drinking with his friends. I usually hear from him as he gets home (2am ish) to let me know he is home and safe but I didn't hear anything last night. I figured he just forgot, no biggie, I went to bed as normal.
I woke up at 11am to a bunch of missed calls from his mother (they live together). I called her back and she texted at 1pm that she couldn't talk. I was kinda worried and told her as much. She said my bf didn't get home last night and was in a crash and didn't make it. This was super weird to me since I get on well with his mum and would never expect to be told this via text, after some more texting I fully believed my boyfriend had passed away that morning, and I totally shut down.
The people I live with were all out that day so I was alone. Grief set in immediately and I had an extremely bad relapse on my self harm. At that point I didn't even care, I was just hurting so so much and my usual coping techniques just weren't doing their job. I listened to old voice notes of his and even sent one telling him how much I loved him through the most unhinged sobbing I've ever done.
Well, he arrived at my house 20mins later saying it was a prank since he got into a small bump and thought I'd get mad about him driving drunk as well as about him mushing up his car a little, and him and his friends came up with this plan to just make me happy he was alright. So they took his mums phone and the above happened.
I obviously was thankful he wasn't dead. But I had a million other much stronger emotions. I was so angry he drove drunk, so angry he saw nothing wrong with it, SO angry that he would lie about something so serious, and absolutely heartbroken that he let me sit in grief for over an hour until i sent a voice note that made him "feel bad". Plus lots of other things I'm still struggling to articulate.
He found out I harmed and flew off the handle. He said I punished him and turned a "harmless prank" into something much more serious and ruined the joke of it. He said I was guilting him for having fun and now he can't trust I won't do it again. He even suggested I stay in hospital for my mental issues for a few weeks and crank up therapy. He said he can't leave me if he wants now or else I'll act like this, just like his ex.
I am beyond hurt. I probably should look into therapy if I'm still resorting to it, I admit, but this was not an every day bout if anxiety or even a breakup. I thought he had died. Im also very aware that his actions were massively shitty and he is being so manipulative in the aftermath. How is it a punishment if I thought he was dead? I absolutely would not react like this if he just broke up with me and I have never said or hinted at that.
Not really sure what to do now. My gut tells me to leave him over this but I'm so unsure
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8zytg/update_bf_faked_death_and_called_my_reaction/) *(Oct 16,2021)*
Long story short, I broke up with him for the following reasons:
* drunk driving (endangering himself and others)
* took his mothers phone and made me think it was her (deception)
* telling me he was dead (deception/extreme emotional stress)
* letting me think that FOR HOURS (I could list every negative trait for that one. Borderline sociopathic behaviour)
* not being sorry for any of these things (twat)
* telling me I'm too sensitive (invalidation, shifting blame)
* being mad at me for relapsing (unsupportive, uncaring, unkind)
I still won't blame him for the relapse though as many people here wanted me to. That is on me and I am still going to therapy regularly for that
Sooooo for those interested, I took a few days to myself. I did speak over the phone to his mum and she was incredibly apologetic on his behalf. I taught her how to put a passcode on her phone
After that we met up and I outlined the things I listed above. He seemed apologetic and sincere about all of them and listened to me well. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand that being apologetic wouldn't get me to change my mind on ending the relationship so his true colours came out at the end. He got annoyed at me for ending it and again told me I was dramatic and other invalidating arguments. Oh well, I said what I needed to say and that's enough closure for me. | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q98pf6/bf_faked_death_and_then_called_my_reaction/ | q98pf6 | 5,664 | 2,167 | [
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2021-10-16T13:36:19 | I think the woman I’m dating spent $1100 on our third date | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q89apy/this_girl_im_seeing_may_have_spent_around_1100_on/) *is by* [u/JayToThePop](https://www.reddit.com/user/JayToThePop/)
Hey Reddit, so I’ve been seeing this woman and she’s really cool and sweet. Here’s the problem, if it’s even considered a problem. So we went out for dinner in the city. Cool right? Well, she paid for the whole thing. I tried to pay and she insisted on paying and I felt really bad. It was a $95 dinner. Ok that was really thoughtful and I was like somehow I’ll pay her back. Anyways we went out to go get some drinks, and I bought her a few drinks even though she was really against me paying insisting she’s an accountant and makes more than she needs. I was at least able to buy a few drinks and felt a little better, but it gets worse.
Well, she asked if I had anything to do tomorrow and I was like no. She went to the bathroom and came back and she was like I just got us a room to stay in the city for the night. I was like “whattttt, awesome!! How much, so I can pay you back!??” She was then like don’t worry about it, my dad is here on business and ended up going home to sleep so he didn’t need the room(I guess he lives the state over), which I’m having a hard time believing because this seemed way too coincidental. The hotel ended up being a 5 star hotel that I literally only knew about because I’ve read about it in articles. I mentioned I was still hungry so I was like I’m going to order a pizza, (the portions were small at the restaurant from before and it was a few hours since we last ate), and she was like, we can go out for some in a little bit. Then literally, we were in the room, and there was a knock at the door. It was room service, they brought in lobster, a filet mignon, and cheesecake with gold flakes on it, as well as a super nice bottle of wine. Either was it was an incredible fun night and y’all might be like marry this woman, am I being crazy or is this all super weird.
I’m grateful and thankful but I don’t want someone ever spending this kind of money on me. How do I tell her this is too much and she doesn’t need to do that and I just like spending time with her without it coming off as ungrateful for how much she must’ve sent. Like this is something you spend on someone when you’re about to get engaged. This is the third date and we weren’t celebrating anything. I make a fair amount of money but I can’t compete with how much she may have spent and I feel awful about that.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8xkj6/update_on_the_girl_that_may_have_spent_at_least/)
Hey Reddit! I didn’t think my original post would blow up in the way it did. I fell asleep and woke up to it being at a 1000 upvotes and being told it was removed because it hit the karma limit for this sub. I wasn’t able to reply to many of the comments.
I was able to talk to her about this and as it turns out she liked me and it’s been a while since she’s met someone who likes her for her and not her money or her dads. I found that very hard to believe because she’s really kind and honestly beautiful. Friends IRL told me what the hell is wrong with me for second guessing myself. Response to the comments, no she’s not a sugar momma. She’s the same age as me, she’s a CMA accountant and worked her butt off for years and her dad is very rich and gives her money she doesn’t need as well as making a really really good amount of money for a 26 year old. She explained to me that she feels like she’s making more than she deserves because her dad pulled strings to get her the job she has now even though she’s qualified but told me she knows how absurd it was to spend that kind of money but she wanted to have a fun night and forget her stressful job for a little bit. I totally understood that and we have a 4th date, she’s coming over to watch a movie with me and letting me cook for her and I’m v/ excited.
Also Reddit, from some of the highly upvoted comments, I was kinda upset you think I care that a woman makes more than me. I don’t care at all. Im just not used to free stuff and things like that. I’m all for spending money and having fun, but $1100 made me feel uneasy and it was weird how it seemed like no problem to her at all.
Edit:
Forgot to mention, one thing I look for when I’m on a date is how someone treats their server when at a restaurant. Our second date, the server brought the completely wrong food for her and she said oh it’s ok, I’ll take it. No anger or rudeness. Instantly makes me more attracted to someone. So im glad y’all told me to just talk about how I felt about that night in the city and we worked things out and were able talk about it. Thank you Reddit.
Also I paid for the first date and we split the second one, which was why the 3rd date was such a surprise to me in case anyone was wondering. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9c51q/i_think_the_woman_im_dating_spent_1100_on_our/ | q9c51q | 4,946 | 1,213 | [
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2021-10-16T13:51:15 | AITA for telling my mom and stepdad the real reason I was upset (happy update) | AITA | [OG Post](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q9185z/aita_for_telling_my_mom_and_stepdad_the_real/)
**I am not OP**
This was the best update.
AITA for telling my mom and stepdad the real reason I was upset
I am a teenage girl and was born when my mom was 18. I see my dad like 3 days a year at Christmas. My dad doesn't want me as much as he wants his other kids but I try not take it personally.
My stepdad (been in my life since I've been 5) is really nice to me, but I don't think he would care if I didn't exist, but he makes my mom and little brother (my mom's and stepdad's bio kid) so happy and does a lot for me, and for that, he means everything to me.
My mom's pregnant again and this time I get a little sister!! I'm just a little nervous, but my stepdad hasn't said anything about having his "first" daughter, so I really do appreciate him being sensitive to me, even though I don't think he considers me to be his daughter.
My mom is excited for another daughter too, and has been shopping for clothes and been putting together a nursery with me, because I am really good at art and am painting a mural for my sister.
She keeps saying things to me like "I am so grateful to be able to give all this to the baby that I wasn't able to give you" and that she is blessed that she doesn't have to do it alone, and that she's really excited to see my stepdad be a dad again.
I know I am being selfish so please don't think low of me because Ofc I want my mom to be happy, but when she says things like this, I feel like I am worth less and that I am burden. And then I feel bad for feeling bad because I want my mom to have a good life, and she at least stuck around because she could have left me like my dad did.
Painting is really therapeutic to me so I've been hiding away painting the nursery. At dinner today, my mom asked me why I've been so quiet and I told her about my feelings, and she got sad and my stepdad had to comfort her. I told her that I love her and was so grateful that she is my mom and for all that she's done for me, but she was still upset. I feel like the asshole because I knew she would get sad when I told her my feelings but told her anyways. I think that hurting someone's feelings on purpose is the worst thing you can do, but I know its important to be honest so I am really conflicted. Can you guys tell me, and if I am being one, I will make my mom and stepdad breakfast in bed to make it up to them and finish the nursery at night to surprise them.
edit: oops typo...been in my life since I've been 4 years old, not 5
**edit 1:** I went to talk to my mom but she was sleeping. My stepdad asked to talk to me. He said he never wanted to put this on me but it was the time. He told me that he loved me and that I am his daughter no questions asked. He said he didn't want to talk to me about being my dad because he didn't want to bring up bad feelings for me about my real dad. he wants to adopt me but didn't want to pressure me and if he did my bio dad would have to sign away his rights. he was worried that my bio dad would 1. not put up a fight and that it would hurt me or 2. fight but still not want to see me more and hurt me so he was avoiding the topic. I said i want him to be my real dad and that I want his last name. He said we will see what we can do and if it doesn't work we can try and hyphenate, and I can still use his last name as mine on my jerseys and stuff for soccer, and that as soon as turned 18 we would change it. He told me he would take care of me forever and that he is so proud of me and that I have never been/never will be a burden. he said I don't need to be so nice all the time and if Im an evil teenage girl he'd still love me as much as he does now. He also told me that he never wants me to feel pressurized to babysit because even though they are young parents to me, they are still my parents and its their job to raise us all.
**Edit to add another update:**
edit 2: I talked to my mom this morning and she said she wasn’t mad at me and just mad at herself. She told me she wishes she could have given me more and I told her that she gave me more time with her and that was enough for me. she said she had no idea how to he a mom when I was born and doesn’t know how i turned out to be so good but she is happy. She told me that i better be selfish today because she wants to go shopping and buy me lots of things. She said I have never been a burden and that I’m the best that happened to her. She said I should go to therapy because being a people pleaser is bad
also my mom and dad called my bio dad this morning and he agreed to sign away his rights. I got a little sad and cried a lot and idk why because I wanted him to sign them away but my mom and stepdad hugged me a lot and we are going to have a party tonight with both my moms family and dads family. my dads family especially my grandma and grandpa are really excited that I finally am going to have their last name and grandma has sent me pictures of gold necklaces she wants to have made for me with my new last name!! | CasTheMagicDragon | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9cevo/aita_for_telling_my_mom_and_stepdad_the_real/ | q9cevo | 5,095 | 2,789 | [
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2021-10-16T16:28:12 | AITA for telling my mom she must have had no self-respect to marry my dad? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q9atd4/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_must_have_had_no/) by u/thrwy_sluttydad
Some context: My (16F) high school has an annual fall dance. Not last year, for obvious reasons. But it's back on this year with covid restrictions, of course, and it's been unseasonably warm this season (thanks global warming?) so a lot of the dance will be taking place outside. Anyway, the boys are supposed to ask the girls, and yesterday at lunch, a boy asked me and I agreed to go with him.
My dad has always been a traditional kind of guy when it comes to me and my younger sister (14F). So last night at dinner, I mentioned that I had a date for the dance, and he made a crack about answering the door with his shotgun. The thing is, I'm pretty sure he would do it. I told him that if he was going to be like that, I'd just meet up with our friend group at school. He then got very serious and told me in an angry tone that he didn't want me sneaking around with some guy without his knowledge. He asked me what I even knew about this guy. He then said he didn't want me to to turn into one of those "slutty girls" who give it all away to the first guy they meet and who no self-respecting man would ever want to marry.
That's when I flipped a switch. I like to think I'm a pretty good kid. I get good grades, I play volleyball, I help my sister with her homework and help drive her to her soccer practice, I've never had a boyfriend. So being talked to like I was some lovestruck idiot who was going to wind up pregnant because I'm choosing to go to a dance with a friend really annoyed me. Also, I know a bit about my dad's history. He was in a frat in college, and he's told stories to my cousin (18M), who recently started college at a big state school where frat culture is a big thing.
So I told him that:
a) this guy is my friend and he seems nice, but if he turns out to be a dick I'll figure it out
b) I only agreed to go to a dance. The last time I checked, going to a dance was not a binding sexual contract.
And here's where I may have crossed the line. I told him that I knew he was in a frat in college, and I know what goes on in those places. I also know the stories he's told my cousin. So in the heat of the moment, I said something along the lines of:
"By your own logic, the only slut in the family is you."
Then I looked at my mom and said "you must have had no self-respect to have married him."
By the looks on their faces, I could tell what I said was hurtful. And then of course, I got yelled at and probably won't be able to go to the dance at all. But I feel like it's unfair for him to give me a lecture about "slutty" behavior and self-worth when he's recently been bragging to my male cousin about doing MUCH worse things when he was just a few years older than me. But maybe I crossed the line trying to prove my point. AITA?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q9atd4/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_must_have_had_no/)
UPDATE: oh god oh fuck oh god oh fuck. I did it. I came out, and I did it out of spite. I picked a whole god damn bouquet of whoopsie-daisies.
To be clear, I know I said in the comments that I wasn't sure if I was into guys, but that's kind of because I figured I should experiment with men out of obligation before deciding about my sexuality. But the more my dad talked about the whole pregnancy thing last night and the more I thought about it, I realized that it's just so far out of the realm of interest. And I've had crushes on girls, although it's hard to admit to myself. It's not super duper ok in my family.
So I took the comments saying I need to apologize to my mom to heart, and I realized y'all were right - she didn't deserve that. I made her an omelette and a coffee and brought it to her in bed and sat down with her on the bed so we could talk about what happened. My dad was out of the house. I just explained to her that I said what I did last night out of anger, and that I was hurt that all these horrible accusations were being thrown at me when I feel like I've given them no reason to doubt my judgement. I apologized to her and told her how out of line it was for me to attack her when it wasn't her who I was angry at. And that I feel like my dad doesn't really see me as a valuable person because he believes that I'm not smart enough to take my own decisions seriously, and that if I did make a mistake, I wouldn't be worth anything to him or anyone. I cried, because it was hurtful. She understood and was starting to talk, but then my dad walked in.
Keep in mind, I was still angry at him. And he walked into the whole scene and said something nasty. He saw I was crying and said "oh, hormones, looks like someone's pregnant already." The look on his face said it was a joke. But I hated it.
My mind went into mean girl overdrive. Granted, what I did was not smart. But I was done. So I said, "Good news, I don't think me having sex with men and getting pregnant is something you'll ever have to worry about".
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
It clicked.
Now he's out for a drive and the whole house has been quiet. I'm kind of hiding in my room.
Oops.
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/user/thrwy_sluttydad/comments/r9vg5g/update_aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_must_have_had/)
A lot of people have been messaging me asking for an update, and first of all, I just want to thank you all for the outpouring of support. I think we can all agree that the internet can bring out the best and worst in people - in this case, wow. Nothing but the best, no hateful DMs whatsoever or weird shit, just genuine people sending love. This could not be more appreciated, trust me.
So the first thing I'd like to say is a lot of people were worried for my safety, but rest assured I am 100% fine. Apologies for not updating sooner, but as you can imagine, things got crazy and with a multiple balls in the air (metaphorically, I'm gay lol) I just felt the dust wasn't settled enough to post an update. But we're here now!
I want to start by saying that my relationship with my family, especially my dad, is continuously improving. Let's rewind to the return from the trip to Taco Bell.
So where we left off, my sister and I went to TB and hung out in the parking lot for a while. She told me that eventually, we would have to go home, and I realized she was right. So I drove us home. Not gonna lie, I was shaking. I didn't know quite what I would be walking into.
When I got home, the house was weirdly quiet. I think my mom was in my parents' room, and my dad was out on the back porch with a beer. Not catatonic, exactly, but alarmingly still. I'd gotten him some TB before my sister and I left (it always used to be our thing) - a cruchwrap (or what I call the meat frisbee). I went out on the porch and sat down, asked if we could talk. He said yes, but it was minutes of awkward silence. Eventually he told me he was surprised. I asked why, and he said "well, you just don't look gay".
This wasn't surprising. Without revealing details about my appearance or my location, I'm from the suburbs and I look like it. To my dad, he has a very specific idea of what a gay girl looks like, so it just didn't quite compute for him at the time. I kind of said "well, I don't know what to tell you there".
There was quite a bit more silence and tension. And, being me, I decided to break the ice by saying something cheeky. I asked him if he had any tips for me from his frat days. When he asked what I meant, I said something along the lines of "oh, you know. For scoring points with the ladies".
This was where the mood shifted. He lost it laughing, and I did too. I knew then everything was going to be absolutely fine between us.
My parents both have a lot to learn about this stuff. While my parents try to be open-minded, they have a lot of confusion about LGBTQ+ stuff (for example, they're not fully there on understanding pronouns. I'm trying to get them there). But they're more and more on board with what it means to have a gay daughter. And frankly, I'm new here, so I'm figuring out what it means to be gay too.
For those wondering, I went to the dance and it was well...a high school dance. A fun time but nothing lifechanging.
I've been coming out to my friends slowly but surely, and the reaction has been hilarious. Essentially the overwhelming response is "yeah... this isn't new information". I guess I was the last one to figure it out.
Again, TY internet strangers for all the support. Much love to you all. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9fbz3/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_must_have_had_no/ | q9fbz3 | 8,625 | 1,799 | [
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2021-10-16T17:44:22 | Age 22 and getting kicked out of parents house. Im very lost on what to do at this moment + 5 Year Update [SHORT] | personalfinance | ***repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/4eo53z/age_22_and_getting_kicked_out_of_parents_house_im/) by u/Mindheistss***
&nbsp;
Age 22 and getting kicked out of parents house. Im very lost on what to do at this moment
This is the first time in my life I ever had to financially rely on myself, and its suddenly and unplanned, too. I am allowed to stay at a friends place but not for long. Ive been hired for a 10 dollar per hour pay and will be making at least 1,900 $ a month. My mom is making me pay for my own car insurance and is cutting off my phone plan and maybe taking my phone. I have up to 1000$ in my possession. I live in Atlanta, GA. My deadline to move out is this weekend and I am panicking because i dont have any experience in this.
Edit: i want to thank everyone for the very helpful advise. This is sudden to me and i am very scared and confused. Call me a child or whatever but it was like yesterday i was enjoying my daily life, and today all these numbers are in my head. I wont describe my family situation, but i will learn from this incident for sure.
&nbsp;
[*OOP [asks](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/4ha4iq/went_through_14_job_interviews_in_2_months/) shortly after*] Went through 14 job interviews in 2 months, unhirable?
&nbsp;
**5 Years Later**
i left my family with 15 bucks in my bank and no degree. I reached out to anyone who had space for me to rent in their home like a tenant room or something. I obtain a room to rent for $200 a month and work my way to saving up to move into a basement.
After 1 year of that, i finally get my own cheap apartment while getting better jobs. Today, i now make $70k in corporate and live in my own apartment as a successful ish adult. My profession is graphic design.
I am 27 now for reference. It was 5 yrs of hard work | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9gsk8/age_22_and_getting_kicked_out_of_parents_house_im/ | q9gsk8 | 1,872 | 981 | [
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... |
2021-10-16T18:34:58 | Boyfriend projects a cruel personality onto OP's sweet and loving cat | AITA | #AITA for telling my partner to stop impersonating our cat?
*The following is a repost. I am not the original poster. This post was written by r/helpfulcat111*.
MOOD SPOILER: >!Hopeful & heading in the right direction.!<
*Original: https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/?ref=share&ref_source=link*
I'll try to keep this brief. I am a huge animal lover, have been since I was a kid. I've been seeing my partner for almost four years now. While we were dating he'd talk to me about how much he loves animals. We ended up moving in together about 5 months into dating, but only last year did we manage to get a pet, a cat called Tiger. I noticed when Tiger came home my partner wasn't as keen on him as I was. He saw petting him as a chore. He then told me he was "maybe just a dog person."
Very quickly after we got Tiger my partner began doing a "voice" for him. This "voice" was a high pitched but rough voice that would say horribly rude things. At first I thought it was funny. I'd be petting Tiger and my partner would say in "Tiger's" voice "f*k you mom!" This got old really, really fast. My partner began doing this literally every single time I interacted with Tiger, which is multiple times a day. I noticed the things "he" would say began getting worse and worse. "Tiger" would tell me to "suck my little cat dick" and "I'll shit on your face" I wouldn't even laugh anymore and he just kept doing it. A few weeks in I told him I really didn't find this funny. I only laughed the few times in the beginning because it was a shock, not that I find it funny that he's pretending our cat is a fucking bastard. He was really hurt by this and told me I'm acting "very similar to his ex girlfriend" and I'm taking away "a fun part of cat ownership for him." I told him to please at least stop doing it so much.
He cut it down to once a day for about 4 days before it just came back more and viler than ever. Tiger would just walk into the living room, and without me even looking at him, "Tiger" would say "where's my f*king dinner you (Nwords)?" (He didn't say "n word", he said THE word. Neither of us are black, not even Tiger!)
This has went on for about 5 months. I've broke down crying about this before because my partner will not stop. Last night we were lying in bed and I noticed he closed the door. I asked why as I like Tiger being able to come into the bedroom to sleep on the bed. He told me he now cannot detach the "persona" he has given our cat from our actual cat and has grown to resent Tiger. I absolutely lost it. I told him it was his own fucking fault, that Tiger has been nothing but a loving cat. Everyone who meets him falls in love with how friendly and affectionate he is. Tiger has never so much as hissed at anyone he has met since we got him. I said Tiger stays with us and my partner drops this shit NOW. The problem is on HIM. My partner then broke into tears, says I care about Tiger's feelings in this before his. He says the "persona" stuff is not that big of a deal, its just his sense of humour, and I've made him feel bad about it. He asked me to sleep on the sofa tonight and we haven't spoken all day.
So, am I the asshole for having a problem with this sense of humour?
*While there was no update post, OP did keep us updated in the comments. First, however, she provided some extra details on their relationship:*
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f74p55o/
He stood up to my parents in person to defend me. When my parents threatened to come to our home to physically attack me my partner really stepped up and told them directly he'd do whatever to keep me safe from them. It was dangerous for him to do that and hard for him. I had a breakdown at work a few years ago and he told me its okay for me to stop working, so he pays all of our bills.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f74me0v/
I've been doing a lot of thinking about things in our relationship since reading the reaction to this post last night. I realised something to do with this point in particular. When we first moved in together, I had a friend who loved coming over to have a chat over a cup of tea. My partner asked me if I could stop inviting him over as "he's very shy" and doesn't like having to lock himself in the bedroom when he was over. I agreed. I then arranged to go out for drinks with my friend instead. My partner then asked me to cancel at the last minute to spend time with him. He told me that it's normal for people to stop hanging out with friends when they get a partner. My friend would text me every now and then and my partner would see it and roll his eyes. Soon enough I didn't reply to that friend anymore and haven't seen them in four years. They sent me a long message about 2 years ago saying they are worried for me but I didn't reply, and my partner laughed at the message. It might sound to anyone outside this situation that obviously this isn't normal, but only now am I unpacking a lot of this for what it really is.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f74rglt/
We actually had a cat before Tiger. We adopted a cat from an online ad. When we got her she was not the cat we were told she would be (even different than the photo!) She clearly had suffered some sort of abuse and trauma, she hated being petted. I was so fine with this, I grew up in an abusive home myself, and I was prepared for the journey I would take with this little creature. She spent the first full week wedged under a set of drawers. My partner complained about how it upset him that he couldn't pet his own cat, and I explained she is a special case. When she opens up it will be worth it. She started coming out at night to come sit beside me, and this soon turned into coming out during the day too! But she only ever wanted to be near me. If she saw my partner she'd hide again (he was spending no time with her at all.) One day I came home from getting groceries and my partner was chasing her around the apartment with a broom. I was very upset and asked what he thought he was doing, he said he was just playing with her. He began doing this all the time. If he saw me and the cat sitting together he'd run in and chase her with a stick of some sort. In this situation also I cried and begged him to stop, and he said he would, but didn't. He then told me he felt uncomfortable living with her as she really does hate him (and she did) and he didn't like having something that hated him in his home. I argued that it was his own actions that made her hate him, and he argued that as a member of this household she needs to be putting in effort too. He told me if I really love him he'll let us give her over to shelter. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and to this day I regret it so much. I know she is doing great in a new home, I got sent an update about her after she got adopted. She has blossomed into a new cat. But I look back now and wish I had chosen her over him.
*Soon, OP commented with the news we all were waiting for!*
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f76ngk6/
I've already had the talk with him. I've told him I'm leaving him. He cried and cried, begged me to reconsider, told me I'm the love of his life, that he needs to "keep me safe." I told him there's no begging, it IS over. He left for a few hours, then came back in and told me I have one week until he is putting me on the streets, and he wants to KEEP TIGER. I said I will be keeping Tiger and I will do whatever it takes to keep him with ME. He said Tiger is like a son to him and he won't feel right living in a house without him there. Absolutely not happening. But he hasn't threatened me or himself, but he has told me he will be physically ejecting me from the house after one week (or sooner if I am "unpleasant" with him.)
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f79dizn/
Just a small update on the situation: He has left to stay at his parents house for the next two weeks. I am legally allowed to stay in the house, so he is the one who is moving out (he says his parents will pay for him moving out as they are overjoyed he's leaving.)
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f7arire/
Tiger is back with the foster family he was with before we adopted him. I explained the situation and his foster mom said he can stay with her for a little while. She seemed extremely upset when I was telling her about everything (she asked me if I was alright, wanted to know more about the situation.) She said when she was leaving Tiger off she felt my partner was domineering towards me, she would be talking to me and he would reply on my behalf, with me barely talking. That's something I wasn't even aware of before. But Tiger is safe and will be back with me in a few weeks.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f7kdk1p/
I'm not sure when I should stop updating here but I still get some messages from people asking about me so I'll post another one. A lot has happened. Basically I did something stupid and ended up in hospital. My ex partner was contacted to come back (I have no one else) and keep an eye on me when I was discharged. He said he would only if I paid him $300 (he knows I have an overdraft on my bank account to give him it from.) I stupidly gave him the money. When he arrived back the first thing he said was "my parents are furious with you." He told me his mother is drafting a message to send to me on Facebook and I am not allowed to be rude if I respond to it. The message is going to be listing all the ways I have ruined her son's life. I still haven't got it though. Funnily enough when he told his parents I gave him $300 to come back THEY refunded me the money saying it wasn't right for him to have asked for it. After getting discharged they sent out a home nurse who has filled out the benefits papers with me and sent them off, so that will be sorted very soon. My ex is back here now but is moving out soon. We don't interact except he keeps sending me video game memes all day on Facebook messenger even though I asked him to stop. He also keeps making me make him dinner which sucks too (when I say making I don't mean physically forcing me, but when he saw me go into the kitchen to start cooking he came in and gave me a sob story about how he doesn't know how to cook, he just won't take no for an answer.)
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/du2ty9/aita_for_telling_my_partner_to_stop_impersonating/f7mbhns/
He has already found a place and is moving out in a few days when everything is finalised. I don't qualify for any DV crisis support as I'm not in physical danger. It feels really strange for him to tell me what I'm "allowed" to do despite the fact we are no longer together!! I obviously told him where to go. I have still not received the message from his mother so who knows what happened with that. I have told him I want no contact with him at all, even in the house, but he is STILL MESSAGING ME "I know you said no contact but just look at this one meme" "Sorry to message again but look at this tv show coming out" !! It is RIDICULOUS. I'm just going to cook until he is gone, I just don't have the strength to fight that right now. I've done so much so far, if I have to cook a few meals to put an end to this soon fine. I have done all the cooking for us since we started living together (he would tell me what I'm going to eat whether I liked it or not and is STILL trying to do this even after we've split up!) In regards to the hospital, I am doing a lot better. Immediately after discharge I've been given a home care crisis team who visit me twice a day. I've been opening up a lot to them about what its been like in the relationship and even they have confirmed that this isn't normal. I don't really want to start another thread. The feedback from this one alone has been very overwhelming. I've also got a lot of hateful messages accusing me of being racist and an animal abuser myself for not walking away faster and I just can't open myself up to another stream of that coming in from somewhere else at the moment. He did show me a text his mother sent me (not sure why he showed it to me) telling him she was worried that him still being in the house means I will try and lure him back into the relationship, and stating explicitly that if I end up homeless in this situation that he is under no circumstances to let me sleep on his sofa for even one night. Ironic when he is the one here needing me to feed him. I am safe and have a crisis line to call now if things get crazy, as well as nurses who visit me twice a day and will do for the next two weeks or so. | tsabracadabra | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9hs4i/boyfriend_projects_a_cruel_personality_onto_ops/ | q9hs4i | 13,130 | 708 | [
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2021-10-17T01:47:46 | OP's roommate cuts her hair without her consent - insanity ensues | LegalAdvice | **This is a repost, I'm not the original poster.**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5vlmyg/nv_roommate_cut_my_hair_without_my_consent_ended/) by u/Scissor_bitch:*
This just happened maybe 5 minutes ago, and I'm svrambling trying to figure out what to do before the police are called. I'm living off campus with a roommate that I was paired with through our college. We had a disagreement about her paying her portion of bills and rent on time and her boyfriend basically living here without our landlord's permission, which violates our lease. Well everything seemed to be fine later on, so we're hanging out in my room and she asks me to braid her hair. Afterwards she offers to braid mine. She goes to grab hair ties or something, I'm not paying attention as I'm on my phone. Well apparently she actually grabbed scissors, and decided to cut my hair as revenge for pissing her off. I'm expecting her to braid my hair, when suddenly right next to my ear she cuts a huge chunk of my hair off, I freak out and instinctively turn around while batting her hand away. Her hand flies into her face, and the scissors cut her cheek quite deep. They're expensive shears I guess so they were very sharp. Now she's saying I assaulted her and threatened to call the police. I told her I would give her the money she wanted and we didn't have to call the police, but I had to pawn some things so I needed a minute to gather some stuff to sell to get the money. I just did this to buy some time, I'm not giving her shit. Do I wait for to call the police and explain when they get here? I considered calling the police first, but I don't want to incriminate myself. I really didn't mean for her to get hurt, all I did was turn around and push her hand away before I could even process that she had shears in her hand. Either way I don't want to live with this psycho anymore, is there anything I can do? I have a copy of our lease that I'm going to look over. We're on one lease but she's just a co signer as she was 17 when we signed the lease, but has since turned 18. Our lease is up in August. Also this might sound stupid, but she ran off with my chunk of hair, can the police make her give it back to me? It's very long and I'd at least like to donate it, as I'll have to cut the rest of my hair to match since this psycho had 1/3rd of my hair in her hand. Thank you.
**Edited update:**
Jack shit happened. I called the non emergency line right after i posted this and they sent out two officers. I made the mistake of telling my roommate that I had called the police and that she had committed assault. She must have realized that it looked pretty bad and rethought her strategy. She disappeared into the bathroom for awhile until the police got here, and when she cane out her hair was cut, but like a real haircut instead of hack job she gave me. The officers seperated us and got our sides of the story. She told them that we had agreed to cut each other's hair and that she "pulled a little prank" and decided to cut my hair a bit shorter than originally planned, I got freaked out and that's how she got cut. She convinced them that she had apologized but I was looking for a way to get her out of the house and was lying. She showed them our texts where she just asks if I want to do her hair without specifying what we were doing, and all the earlier texts where we're fighting about money and I threatened to get the landlord involved. She even showed them the hair in the trashcan. I guess my story sounded less believable with all the "evidence" against me and in the end they didn't seem to give a shit. They said this was a civil matter and as long as she didn't feel assaulted that they were done. I didn't want to press my luck and get arrested so I kept my mouth shut. So I was treated like a criminal and now this insane girl is outside my room threatening to destroy all my shit. I recorded some of her rampage through the door and I'm collecting any messages that sound even remotely threatening that her and her bf have sent me. I'm taking pictures of all of my stuff incase she destroys my property. The office for the apartment just closed so I can't go to my landlord til tomorrow and i don't have any way to contact him directly. What the hell do I do now? Can I go to the police station and file a report even though the police just came here and decided to believe her?
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5vsttl/update_and_follow_up_question_to_roommate_cut_my/):*
I just wanted to thank everyone for all your help and advice. If I hadn't posted here, I probably would have waited for my roommate (referred to as Jane from here to avoid confusion) to call the cops, which almost definitely would have screwed me as Jane turned out to be scary good at lying and manipulating.
So yesterday I got off reddit and got to collecting evidence and making a script so i knew exactly what to say when I went to talk to the police again. My neighbor that we share a wall with came over after hearing Jane flipping out and I explained everything. Neighbor offered to watch my cat and said she'd call me if it seemed like Jane was going to do anything crazy while I went to the station. I packed all my most valuable things in my car, took pictures of everything else, and then recorded a quick video of me telling Jane that I was going out and she did not have permission to go in my room or touch my things, just in case she wrecked something and said I did it or something, I don't know.
I told the police about everything and brought my copy of the police report, showed them harassing messages Jane had sent it the past, messages proving we often braid each others hair (probably unnecessary but I was trying to prove that I agreed to let her braid my hair and I'd never let her cut it) and proof that I'm a cosmetology student, freelance makeuo artist and occasional hair model, so I would never let someone who isn't trained cut my hair, and it's important part of my job/hobby. The officers I spoke to this time surprisingly took me seriously, but before I could even finish talking to them my neighbor texts me a video of Jane tossing my open train case onto the corner, and stomping on some of my very expensive makeup as it falls out. I'm an idiot and forget the one thing that is important to my livelihood right now in the bathroom, but I was in a hurry and grabbed my personal makeup without thinking. Details aside, crazy bitch tossed out thousands of dollars worth of my property.
Two new officers escorted me back to my apartment, and when we got their Jane immediately turned on the water works. Surprisingly she was cooperative and left with one officer to talk at the station I guess while the other helped me scare away the vultures trying to steal my makeup off of the street and bring it inside. I noticed my prescribed wellbutrin and xanax bottles were missing from the bathroom (I know, stupid place to keep them, but who the hell steals wellbutrin?) And the officer said they would question her.
So I didn't hear anything after that, but this morning I looked at the public records for my county and saw Jane's mugshot with charges for assault with a deadly weapon and malicious mischief. I guess she had been booked late last night? But I checked facebook a bit ago and Jane had posted a truly classy selfie, middle finger and all, so she does that mean she's posted bail? Anyways, I brought all this info and the police reports to my landlord this morning, and he pretty much told me "tough shit". He said that I still need to have the full rent payment and that if Jane wouldn't willingly move out, he couldn't evict her without evicting me too since we're on one lease. Do I just need to pay for everything and then sue her in small claims court? What do I do about all my damaged cosmetics? The police are aware of Jane damaging my stuff but I haven't heard anything back.
I'm totally lost as to what happens now. Will this go to court and will I need to attend? Are the police going to get back to me as to what I need to do next? They took my statement but that's it. The good news is that she isn't allowed on campus at the college we both go to until this is settled, and if she returns I'll transfer to another campus nearby. Also she hasn't attempted to come back to the apartment, and if she does I have a friend here with me. My landlord said I have to let Jane in if she returns though, even if I get a protective order. That sounds like bullshit, and I have an appointment on Monday to talk to a lawyer who will hopefully help me figure out what to do next. I'd like for it to be sooner, but it's free legal consultation through my college so I guess they're busy? Anyways, sorry to ramble. I'm just not sure what to expect until I can speak with a lawyer.
*[Last update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5x6qbm/final_update_to_nv_roommate_cut_my_hair_without/):*
Well this isn't a very interesting update, but I figured you guys would like to know that justice was sort of served. I just wanted to thank everyone for all the responses on my first two posts, it helped me a lot. Especially to the people who advised me to be proactive and persistent in contacting the police, and to the person who mentioned renter's insurance, which I didn't even realize I had (thanks dad!)
So everything happened much quicker than I anticipated, and it's all pretty much settled. Also I'm not sure how much detail I should give since this all just happened, but Jane took a plea bargain (not sure if this is the correct terminology) and plead guilty to misdemeanor assault and destruction of property. I'm a bit upset that she pretty much got a slap on the wrist with the sentence and fine she received, but I suppose it's worth it because she cooperated in breaking our lease. I filed for a restraining order against her and filed a claim with my insurance company for my damaged and stolen makeup, which was thankfully covered by my renter's insurance. Jane's parents moved all of her stuff out of the apartment yesterday and gave me a little money to cover her portion of the rent that she owes me. It wasn't nearly enough, but they seem like surprisingly nice people and I feel bad that they have to deal with such a nut case of a daughter. I found a new roommate and we're signing a new lease this week. Sooo aside from being flat fucking broke now and getting an unwanted haircut, everything turned out alright. | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9pb3a/ops_roommate_cuts_her_hair_without_her_consent/ | q9pb3a | 10,521 | 2,008 | [
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2021-10-17T01:56:02 | Fire a guy for theft without investigating. This is what happens. | ProRevenge | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/f8cozm/fire_me_youre_all_losing_your_jobs/) By u/RowanWinterlace. Posted 2 years ago. Update is in the post
My 2019 was wild. But with everything finally on the up and up, I feel I can tell this story here.
After uni (late 2018), I fell on rough times and was forced to move back to my home town. I tried to transfer my job to a branch in my area but failed, thus I needed to get a new job.
I settled for a 20 hour a week job at a bookies, with a second bar tending job in the evenings. The bookies is the target for my revenge, which was entirely accidental.
***Involved are the following***:
* *Janelle - My managers manager*
* *Shay - My manager*
* *Jorge and Gordan - my co-workers*
and,
* *Kara - a co-worker at another store (who is relevant later)*
***\[NAMES CHANGED AND/OR REDACTED\]***
I ended up working behind the counter as a customer service manager, basically a step up from a cashier. It’s fancy when seen on a CV but there’s nothing really to it. I took bets, chatted with customers, helped people with machines and (for the vast majority of my shift) sat around waiting for something to do. I got on well with my co-workers (or so I thought) and had no major issues.
It was 20 hours a week, about £1 more than minimum wage with a lot of overtime required of me and irregular shift patterns. Though I had no issue with the job, beyond how difficult it was to juggle the schedules of both of my jobs.
In February of 2019 (after working for the company for 6 months) I was invited to a Probation hearing. It cannot be emphasised enough that it was a *Probation hearing* in which I would have my performance reviewed and (as informed in training) was entitled to a pay rise at the end of it.
I arrived that morning to a **Disciplinary Hearing** where, without even a shred of evidence, I was accused of 11 different cash discrepancies dating back to early November of 2018 (shortly after I’d started) which all amounted to **£271.36**. All but one of which I’d never heard of before.
These had apparently been reported and logged by my manager (Shay) and my co-workers, despite no one saying a word to me at all. Not a whisper in the 5 months this had apparently been occurring.
I was told that it was unacceptable, a call was made to HR and I was terminated on the spot and forced to hand over my keys and to never set foot in the store again. To my protests I was told the decision could not be appealed and I would eventually receive written confirmation of my employments termination in the post.
I didn’t let myself slump around and feel sorry for myself, so (on the way home) I opened up Indeed and applied for a bunch of jobs and (before I arrived home) had an interview set up for the next week at what is my current place of work.
Now, I was FURIOUS. Fuming at having gone to what I thought should have been a normal probation meeting and having (effectively) been called a thief and been banned for life from a place I’d never go to anyway. But somehow, my parents were angrier and ordered me to let them know when they got into contact with me again.
Almost two weeks later I received an EMAIL from the companies HR which reiterated the accusations and stated (again) that I was terminated. My mum sat me down in her kitchen and walked me through a letter response that was two parts professional and three parts scathing. Ripping into them about their unprofessional conduct, their ludicrous claims, their lack of evidence, the holes in their story (because their were quite a few) and finally, the cherry on the cake...
The employment laws they’d broken.
Now I didn’t want much, just a nice reference. A promise that not a whisper of these accusations would turn up when my new job asked them for a reference (because, by then, I’d already been offered the job). I then attached the letter to an email to fire back at their HR department.
Then I added Janelle’s work email. Then her bosses email and finally, the holding company that owned the brand. Cause I wanted to make sure this was seen.
A bit of background, the bookies I worked for is a brand that is owned by an international company, their name (behind the scenes) is slapped on everything and they pretty much dictate everything we did. I’m not sure if holding company is the correct term, but I’ll stick to that for now.
Anyway, I sent this email with a fourty-eight hour window for a response. I received a reply the next day from the same email that my demands were being met. I smirked victoriously and moved on with my life, happy to wash my hands with the entire ordeal. However, I’d set off a chain reaction that I wouldn’t know about until three months later.
Three months on, I’d settled into my new job, a call centre position with double the hours and well over double the pay.
I’d gone through training and was settling into my new position when I see a new set of trainees settling in near my team. Among them was Gordan, one of my co-workes from the bookies.
I was stunned. Gordan had been at the bookies for *six years* when I joined. He was well liked, good at his job and a favourite of the managers. There was no way he’d been fired.
Though I didn’t really want to talk to him (as I was of the impression that he, Jorge and my manager had likely set me up) I did want to know what happened.
Luckily, on seeing me in the break room one shift, he sought me out and told me everything.
Apparently my email had been read by the higher ups in the holding company and had caused a lot of scrutiny to fall onto the bookies in our town (of which there were three in our area that Janelle was responsible for, two in my town and a third in a neighbouring one). Someone in HR passed a message down to the Area Manager (Janelle’s boss) claiming they wanted things investigated and they wanted results yesterday, causing him to drop everything and descend on our little town with the panic and aggression of a man who’s superiors were watching his every breath.
He went to Janelle wanting to know: why he hadn’t been made aware previously that I was apparently stealing money, why I had been given keys to the shop and shifts on my own when allegations of that nature were attributed to me AND why I hadn’t been put under investigation. Turns out, Janelle HAD in fact put in my ‘employee file’ that I was under investigation but had never actually gone through with any of the official procedures for monitoring and investigating me *(shock horror)*. Thus she had fired me for the accused crime without looking into it at all, falsely claiming otherwise.
Thus, the Area Manager took the dates and amounts of the cash discrepancies, confirmed that they had been reported on those days (without my knowledge) in Shay’s own log book of the shops cash, and sent that information onto our security team to investigate.
Another little detail is that the CCTV for every shop in the brand is outsourced to a private security company who monitors each shop remotely and has access to all the camera’s and video. As was procedure, they looked into the dates mentioned to see if I’d been doing anything untoward. I know I wasn’t and nothing was ever said to me.
But they DID find something...
Turns out, money WAS going missing from the shop but (surprise surprise) it wasn’t me, but Jorge and Shay. They not only set me up (for reasons I will never know) but were also falsifying numbers and cash checks on the system to hide it. One thing Shay was caught doing was deliberately short changing customers by taking portions of their winnings without them even knowing it (bear in mind, a lot of our customers were elderly men and women).
Gordan claims that he once opened the shop (after I and Shay had closed the night before) and noticed a cash difference but had been told not to say anything to me as I was under investigation and it could compromise it. He did apologise and I let it go.
Needless to say, Jorge and Shay were fired.
But it doesn’t end there.
Our team was small, including me there were a total of four people working at the store. As they hadn’t been able to hire anyone to replace me, Jorge and Shay’s termination meant Gordan was the only employee at the busiest shop in our area. Even if they’d been able to get other colleagues from the two other shops to help out, it wouldn’t have been enough to keep the shop open and manage the amount of customers. So they closed the location down until they could get the staff to run it.
It was at that point that Gordan handed in his resignation and applied for his job at my work. Meaning they had no one.
On top of that, Gordan’s girlfriend worked in the same shop as Janelle and she relayed that she was rarely at their store (in the other town) for the next few weeks before the Area Manager reported she was fired as well. No reason given to her.
I was later issued an apology for everything by the Area Manager and informed she (Janelle) was no longer with the company in an email some time later.
But SOMEHOW, it doesn’t end there.
With the store I worked at closed (this one being on the high street and where most people preferred to go), the only other location in town was the MUCH smaller location in the suburbs. The one where Kara worked. ALONE.
She suddenly received an influx of customers into her tiny store space and absolutely no support from other staff or upper management. Thus, for her own mental health (having already been overworked and underpaid, running an entire store by herself) she quit, meaning that location had to be closed down too.
All of this at the worst possible time, March, when the Cheltenham Festival was occurring. Which is a HUGE money maker for the gambling industry, even in a small town like ours.
An opportunity the three other bookies on the high-street reaped the benefits of instead of my old place, as the former customers went to them instead.
As it currently stands, just over a year later, both shops remain closed and I’m currently entering a job in cyber-security, the training for which I paid for with my current job.
Thanks for firing me dumbasses, you did me a favour.
***(TL/DR: I was fired for false claims of theft. I complained to the higher ups. The real culprits lost their jobs, every shop in town closed down and they lost out on a bunch of money and customers)***
《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》《▪︎》
UPDATE
*This* *massively* *blew* *up,* *thanks* *for* *the* *support* *and* *everything* *\^x*
Gordan and I got in touch with our old Area Manager and we were able to get a bit more information:
The security team rifled through about three years worth of footage after they found out about Jorge and Shay and have estimated that (in that period alone) they both stole nearly ***£4,000*** through various means. The parent company also got involved and searched through years worth of their cash checks and till checks and noted plenty of irregularities.
The parent company persued criminal charges and the two were arrested but, as far as our Area Manager knows, the case is still ongoing. He thinks it's because they are still looking into how much they actually stole (as they've both been there a while, Jorge about 8 years and Shay 10 years). I doubt they'll have security footage of all that time, but I bet they're trying to get a more accurate figure to really nail them.
And in comes a new character: Tammy (obviously not her real name). She is an employee who was hired and fired shortly before I was, at the same store. She lasted just past her probation before she was fired, wait for it, for months worth of cash differences and false till checks she wasn't made aware of prior.
HOWEVER, her situation is FAR worse than mine. Tammy is in the process of suing the company for wrongful termination (alongside financial and emotional damages) as she was put under a lot of stress whilst in the job by Shay (who apparently left her to fend for herself and would refuse to step in when customers got aggressive) and then had a miscarriage shortly after her employment was terminated.
Our Area Manager doesn't know anything more, as it's escalated and gone way above his head and I doubt I'll be able to get any more information on it. But I doubt the company's doing too well on that front and I wish her the best.
Gordan and I are considering reaching out to some of the other fired employees (of which he can name a few who were terminated for similar reasons) to get their side of things. But it seems very clear that what Shay and Jorge were doing was going on for a long time and I was only the latest scapegoat.
Janelle, unfortunately, is perfectly fine as far as I'm aware. Her husband and her opened a taxi company several years ago and she seems to have just got more involved with that. I haven't seen her so I wouldn't know. But she was terminated for gross misconduct and for not following procedure, which is kinda what I expected.
And Kara, who our Area Manager actually really dislikes (but is lovely and did not deserve what she went through) is doing okay. I've messaged her and she and her partner recently bought a house. She also got a job as an Events Manager at a local historical site. She's happier there as she actually has people to talk to at work and isn't alone anymore.
**(TL/DR: Jorge and Shay are being prosecuted after stealing thousands, a former employee is suing after going through the same thing as me (but worse), Janelle is fine and so is Kara.)** | Pot-Pilgrim | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9pftc/fire_a_guy_for_theft_without_investigating_this/ | q9pftc | 13,537 | 881 | [
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2021-10-17T07:25:42 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9tz2f/deleted_by_user/ | q9tz2f | 9 | 643 | [
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2021-10-17T11:04:49 | OP hates having sex with his girlfriend. | Relationship_Advice | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q9wmr2/op_hates_having_sex_with_his_girlfriend/ | q9wmr2 | 9 | 725 | [
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2021-10-17T16:32:18 | Delivery Driver quits, gets fired and then harassed by his boss | antiwork | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/pzendm/finally_had_enough_walked_out_delivery_place_with/) by [u/VyvyanArcher](https://www.reddit.com/user/VyvyanArcher/)
I've spent the last three years delivering pizza for one of the mega-chain companies and I'm finally fucking DONE.
Minimum wage, of course, and a flat rate delivery fee paid to the driver of $1.50 (they charge you $4.00 for delivery, we get $1.50 of it). Most days there is nothing but a single driver and a manager trying to run a place doing 30+ pizzas per hour. From 11 a.m. to midnight. Closing and cleanup takes until a minimum of 2 a.m., and I've had days where I came home past 4 a.m.
Customers screaming, ranting, cancelling orders all day long. Orders flooding in non-stop, all day and night. It's like living in a constant panic attack. Always stressed, always a dozen things that still need doing, and a dozen other things that nobody did.
At the beginning of COVID, this store had about 16 drivers on staff. Barely adequately covered with those, but doable. Gradually lost about 2 per month to where we are now. Gigantic delivery area (that they refuse to contract at all) that can't be covered by anything less than six drivers, double that when busy, which we are, nonstop. We've had **TWO** drivers all summer (which is totally insane considering we're open 7 days, 13 hours per day), until a month ago. Now, they have none.
I've been working an average of 70-hours per week, some weeks over 90. Averaging over 700 miles per week on my car. Tips have gone to shit, easily half of people don't even tip at all anymore. In the beginning of COVID, a 70 hour week was easily over $1000 in my pocket. Since the beginning of this year, it's gradually dropped to maybe $500, max. And, I'm just totally exhausted and stressed the fuck out nonstop. They won't raise the wage. Franchise owner swears people are just lazy, and frequently intimates that all his current employees are just lazy whiners.
SOOOOOO... last night, twenty deliveries on the board, and I'm the only driver. Makeline is backed up at least 45-minutes, walk-in customers mostly walking out when they come in to order and see what's going on. He's working the counter for his once per month shift where he mostly just screams and gets in the way, lying to customers telling them it'll be 15 minutes for their order when we're at a minimum of an hour... and he decides I'm not moving fast enough. In front of a dozen customers, all standing in the front, pissed, waiting for their extremely late food.
Owner: "You need to goddamn RUN with those deliveries. People are hungry. (under his breath) lazy fuck"
Had it. Done. No more. Enough.
Dropped all the food I was carrying in the middle of the floor. Went out back, cashed myself out, took my lock off my locker, emptied my stuff. Went out front, brought in the stupid company car topper and tossed it into the pile of food on the floor and just left.
No idea what he was screaming while it happened. Don't care. So finally and totally done with his and every other boss out there who acts like this and runs a business like this. It's not a business when they think this is how to run things, it's some kind of ego-stroking, half-assed hobby and I ain't here for it any more.
On the plus side, I slept twelve hours last night for the first time in forever, and feel amazing as hell today. It's like a huge lump of stress, rage, hatred and panic has just evaporated inside.
Highly recommended to all! Fucking quit! Walk on the bastard, walk out, move on, quit.
DO IT.
They deserve it.
**A couple of updates edited in the post by OOP:**
**THE DAY AFTER... UPDATE:** The owner just texted wanting to know if I was coming in tonight, Friday night... "Dude its Friday and youre late already... you coming? I got no drivers here and already over 20 deliveries sitting here. WTF?"
Just ignore? or be a douche? Trying to decide. I definitely am **NEVER** going back.
**UPDATE TO THE UPDATE TO THE DAY AFTER....:** I'll wait and post the texts if they actually get good, but so far they're almost all just repeats of "You coming in or not" Until the last one (below), it's not as good as one would hope for. UNTIL, that is...
THE LATEST TEXT (up to 8 now): "Im gonna fucking sue you for ruing my busines and job abandonment". Dunno how that works, but I'm just high enough now to have responded, "Hope your lawyer is cheap, because I worked for you, cheap bastard, so you know I'm fucking broke. Free advice: Don't sue poor people. We ain't got shit."
Now, apparently, I'm fired. Woe is me.
**Sunday UPDATE:**
Sooooo... I'm fired, even though I quit. Don't care, but definitely filing for UI since he was dumb enough to fire me via text after walking out. Can't wait for his freakout when they send through the paperwork for that.
HOWEVER...
So, I drove by this morning, thinking I'll be decent and return my uniform shirts and whatnot, try to act like an adult or whatever. Aaaaaand......
HE IS CLOSED TODAY!
Sign on the door, handwritten, that simply says, "Closed today due to lack of staff". Texted around to my former coworkers, and apparently his rage-fits all night Friday and all day and night Saturday cost him two of his insiders and shift runners (there were only four left as it was), and the other (daytime) driver told him to go fuck himself and walked out as well midday Saturday.
Dude is self destructing, I guess, and doesn't seem to care if he torpedoes his business. Now he has absolutely no drivers, and only his store GM and an insider (a 17 year old who only works 10 hours a week after school) left.
Oh well.
Left my uniform shirts in the dumpster around the corner.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/q3kjpk/so_my_former_employer_is_on_my_front_lawn_now/)
And how's your Thursday night going, Reddit?
Original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/pzendm/finally_had_enough_walked_out_delivery_place_with/) for those who want the whole story, but the tl/dr is I walked out on a pizza delivery franchise owner last week when he called me a lazy fuck. Since COVID began, we had shrunk from 15-16 delivery drivers down to 2-3 for the whole of last summer and I was overworked, burned out, pissed off and just not making shit anymore. So, no more taking shit.
This is gonna be long... the tl/dr is he nearly gets himself arrested because he won't accept that I quit.
Sooooo....
Knock on my door today, and I answer it to my former boss. Not happy about that, as I **seriously** dislike people just showing up at my house uninvited. Okay, what the fuck. So....
Ex-Boss: "So, now that you've had some time, are you ready to grow up and be a man and come back to work? Friday tomorrow, and I need my people!"
Me: "The fuck did you just say?! 'Grow up' and 'be a man'? I quit. We're done. Go away, I don't have anything to say to you."
I start to go inside, but he launches into an unbelievable rant about being closed half this week and that's all my fault (it seems the rest of the crew followed me out, and all he has left is his general manager.) He's losing money and how is he supposed to staff a store open 100 hours a week with just him and his GM and it's my fault for quitting. He's spending so much in DoorDash fees sending out deliveries that he is gonna go broke any minute now.
Just... slack-jawed disbelief. I can't believe this nimrod won't leave me alone. He's let his staff dwindle from nearly 30 employees pre-COVID down to the last half dozen or so, and we all bailed finally as well and this is MY FAULT?
Me: "I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested, I don't care, I don't know how else to tell you. Why are you here, I'm not going to work for you, ever, for any reason. Go away."
Ex-Boss: "You're just a child and a fucking coward. Get back to work. I need you there."
Me: "Go fuck yourself, and get off my property."
I slam the door, head inside. He's on my front porch, banging on the door like a goddamn maniac, my dogs are losing their shit. He's screaming and ranting at the top of his lungs, threatening to sue me for job abandonment, for ruining him and bankrupting him, how it's my fault his kids are gonna starve and be homeless. My neighbors are starting to hear him (it's a beautiful day out, and everybody has their windows open, so it's kinda hard not to hear him). Finally I've had enough listening to this, the poor nice old guy across the street is standing on his lawn with his next-door neighbor and they're trying to figure out what the hell is going on over here.
He starts to leave at least, finally. Because I'm a petty child, as he walks away ranting, I pop the door open real quick and stick my head out and yell, "Your pizza sucks and you suck if you think one driver can save your shit business. Hope you go bankrupt so I can laugh at you panhandling on the street corner in a month, you cheap asshole"
That... maybe, wasn't the best idea.
I slammed the door shut, real quick. He ran back up, pounded on the door and started screaming some more. Probably another good twenty minutes of his noise and bullshit. My neighbor actually went back inside and called me (I love Bill, he's a great guy). I told him what's happening and he just laughs his ass off. Asked if he should maybe call the police over the "domestic disturbance" going on at my house. I won't say I told him to do it. But I certainly didn't tell him not to.
Sooooo.... My former boss is standing on my front lawn right now, blue lights from three police cruisers are flashing among the house as the sun sets on a lovely New England day. I'm sure he won't get arrested, although I'd love to see it. But my oh my he certainly seems all agitated. The poor cops look bored, frankly. They only talked to me for a few minutes, and I told them he's just an ex-boss that won't accept that I fucking quit. They didn't seem all that amused. Oh well, not my problem. Call one of my former coworkers, one of the others who has quit in the week since I've been gone and it seems that ex-boss WAS JUST AT HIS HOUSE AND WAS YELLING AT HIM ALSO. Fucking hell. What a douche.
I'm just sitting on my deck around the side of the house, watching my ex-boss as he sheepishly tries to explain harassing an ex-employee at his home to the police, peaceful, stress-free and well-rested after quitting his shit job.
Maybe I should wave at him?
**Update:**
So, as a post below suggested, I've actually just texted a few other coworkers who have also recently quit. So far, two others have responded saying this guy showed up at their house. One just told him to fuck off, slammed the door in his face and ignored him, and the other wasn't home, but **his MOTHER answered and tried giving her shit over her kid quitting**. Haven't yet heard back from anybody else, but yeah... looks like I'll be herding a few of us together to an attorney. They all down for it.
This is FUCKED UP. Dude can't be bothered to hire anybody for months, works his staff to death, demeans them until they walk out and then goes to their house to be even more of an ass.
Yeah. This is getting fun now for a petty prick with too much time on his hands, a keen sense of "fuck with me and find out" and a definite plan to call more than a few attorneys in the a.m.
Shit just got good! | Ladnaks | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qa275z/delivery_driver_quits_gets_fired_and_then/ | qa275z | 11,598 | 1,214 | [
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2021-10-17T17:04:05 | OP is an "affair baby," moves in with dad after mom's death + 2 updates | Relationships | EDIT: I am not OOP! Please please please direct all awards, encouragements, and advice toward his [most recent post!](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9zzbs/update_should_i_move_out/)
EDIT 2: I just wanted to add for latecomers who might stumble upon this: I posted this before obtaining consent from OOP, which was totally wrong of me. It didn't even occur to me to ask because I am a dummy, but I have since spoken with OOP & they are fine with it. Learn from my mistake and ask before posting!
\-----------------------
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/og5x4k/my_family_is_blaming_me_for_a_fight_after_my/) (retrieved from [Wayback Machine](https://web.archive.org/web/20210708121034/https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/og5x4k/my_family_is_blaming_me_for_a_fight_after_my/) b/c it was removed) by /u/Overall-Lack-2179 in /r/relationships
Mood spoiler: >!sad but hopeful!<
**My family is blaming me for a fight after my half-brother destroyed pictures of my mom**
Throwaway so I don’t cause any more damage than I’ve already done)
So a bit of backstory—I (16m) recently moved in with my dad (47m) after my mom died. Dad’s never really been in my life and he and my mom were never married. He has a wife S (48f) and two other kids A (14f) and M (18m)
So when I ended up moving in with my dad it obviously caused a lot of issues with the rest of the family. Nobody wanted me there and basically gave me the cold shoulder. S, M, and A tend to talk with each other in French because they know that I can’t understand them, and my dad has tried to force an English only rule in the house with little luck. For the first month, M just ignored me completely, even though he and I were forced to share a room since the house didn’t have any space. I tried to be nice but I just lost my mom and it hurts and it’s been so much change so quickly.
Two days ago though, I found the postcards and pictures and letters from my mom ripped into a bunch of pieces and scattered all across my bed. I kept them in a box under my bed and M had been the only one in the house with me at the time so I know he did it.
I started yelling at him and we ended up verbally fighting right as S and A got back home. I can’t remember what M said anymore because I was so mad that I wasn’t thinking straight, but I remember hitting him. We both exchanged a couple of punches and I accidentally elbowed A in the nose while she and S were trying to separate us so she was bleeding too.
When my dad got home we were all still yelling and S was trying to throw me out of the house. I couldn’t stop crying because I just had my only actual photos of my mom ruined and I don’t know if we can fix them. My dad tried to settle everyone down but didn’t end up punishing M because there’s no actual proof that he did it. I got in trouble for throwing the first punch and S is STILL trying to convince my dad to send me somewhere else.
Both A and M keep telling me that I ruined their family by coming here but I didn’t really have a choice. I know I shouldn’t have hit M but I was so mad and didn’t think.
I know I shouldn’t have escalated anything but am I really the one at fault here? I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with M anymore.
TL;DR my half-brother destroyed things from my deceased mom and I’m being blamed for the blow up that happened afterwards
**Relevant Comments by OP:**
*Q: Had you met your dad before this? Had you met his family?*
*A:* It’s been about two and a half months *\[since mom died\]* and it was really sudden. My mom and I were really close and I think I’ve seen my dad twice before I had to go live with him, and not for almost a decade.
\+ From what I’ve figured out, S knew about the affair but didn’t know about me until my mom died. A \&amp; M didn’t know about the affair at all. They’re mad at me for existing but they’re also really upset with my dad, for good reason.
*Q: Can you stay with your mom's family? A family friend?*
*A*: It’s just my grandparents on my mom’s side and they basically disowned her because my dad was married to his wife when my mom got pregnant. They’re very religious and I haven’t had any contact with them since I was born. They didn’t even come to her funeral
\+ I don’t have any family on my mom’s side that can take me in and my dad lives in a different country than my mom and I lived in before so we’re not close to anyone I used to know
&#x200B;
*Three months later*
**Should I move out? How do I even ask?** [(Original)](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q3xzf2/should_i_move_out_how_do_i_even_ask/)
So Ive posted about this in here before but things have gotten worse and I feel like I don’t know how to navigate it.
(TL;DR of my first post: I’m an affair baby, my dad’s wife and two kids hate me for it, and a few months ago, my half-brother destroyed all the pictures I had of my mom)
It’s been about six months since I(16M) had to move in with my dad (47M) and his family after my mom died and I still feel like his wife and my half-siblings despise me just for being there. The issue of my mom’s pictures getting destroyed turned what was already a shitty situation into something that is just killing me.
I ended up sleeping on the couch for almost two months because I couldn’t stand the sight of my half brother M (18M) after what he did to my stuff and started carrying a backpack around the house with anything personal that I had brought from my mom’s apartment wherever I went so nothing else could be damaged. M ended up apologizing to me but it seemed more of a show for my dad than an actual apology to me.
My dad’s wife S (48F)and my half-sister A (now 15F) still barely acknowledge me and still almost exclusively use French in the house, which I’m only now starting to pick up words and conversation for. I’ve always felt like a stranger in this house and, while I understand why they don’t want me around, I don’t know what I can do to try and make things work.
The worst of it came three weeks ago when I lost my keys to the house and got stuck out in the rain after I came home. I tried calling my dad but he didn’t pick up and I rang the doorbell as many times as I could because I saw S’s car outside the house so I knew she was home. There isn’t much close by us so I couldn’t walk anywhere to wait. By the time my dad got home an hour and a half later, I was soaked and cold and, when we got inside, S just said that she was on a call and couldn’t hear the doorbell ringing. I couldn’t even talk to her and just went upstairs and cried in the bathroom before going to bed. My dad apologized later for not seeing my message sooner but that’s not really the issue here.
I feel sick living here and can barely eat or sleep half the time. My grades are tanking and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone. I miss my mom and everyone is pretending like she never existed and I have to basically do the same thing so nobody at home gets mad at me.
The main issue is—a week ago, my dad’s best friend and his husband (who I’ve met a couple times and stayed with the first couple nights after I reconnected with my dad while he was trying to figure out how to bring me home) heard about me being locked out of the house and asked if I wanted to come stay with them for a while. I want to say yes so bad because anywhere has to be better than where I’m staying now. But I know it’s going to cause issues with my dad because he ruined his entire relationship with his family to be able to bring me home so I wouldn’t have to go into foster care, and it’s going to seem incredibly ungrateful. I know my dad’s trying, he really is, but I don’t know what I’m going to do if I have to keep living in his house until I turn 18.
How do I broach the subject with him? Is trying to move out even worth it at this point or should I just toughen up and deal with it for the next year and a half?
TL;DR my living situation sucks and my dad’s friends offered to let me move in but I don’t want to seem ungrateful for everything he’s sacrificed for me.
**Relevant Comments by OP:**
*Q: Is your dad really just standing by and letting you take the heat for him?*
*A:* There was definitely a lot of tension between my dad, A, and S, but that seems to have mostly gone away after the first couple months. M seems still pissed at him, but it kind of feels like they just turned all that anger on me.
I’ve tried talking to my dad about it, at least a little, but there aren’t a lot of times where it’s just the two of us and I don’t feel comfortable saying anything in front of everyone else. Nobody really does anything to me in front of my dad (except the language thing which he does try and stop every time he catches it) but M and S usually just do things behind his back to hurt me and I think my dad doesn’t want to believe that his wife and kids are capable of treating me like that
&#x200B;
*Nine days later*
**Update: should I move out?** [(Original)](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9zzbs/update_should_i_move_out/)
It’s been about a week since I talked to my dad and I’ve had a couple people message about an update, so I figured I’d give one.
For those who didn’t see my original post, I (16M) had to move in with my dad (47M) and his family after my mom died and things have been extremely strained—the worst incidences being my half-brother ripping pics of my mom up and my dad’s wife leaving me locked out of the house—so I was given the offer to move out by my dad’s friend and his husband (Both 30’s M).
I followed a couple peoples’ suggestion and texted my dad’s friend that I wanted to leave and they ended up suggesting we all go out to lunch. I think they could both tell how nervous I was around my dad and my dad’s friend J ended up being the one to bring up the idea of me moving out. My dad seemed completely blindsided by it and asked why I wanted to move out. J and his husband B reminded him about everything that’s been going on at home and I just kind of sat there.
My dad seemed really upset and it made me feel terrible because I already felt guilty about leaving, but then he just asked if I really wanted to go. I said yes and he just immediately agreed.
It kind of hit me that I wanted him to try and fight for me, to say sorry for everything that he’s been letting happen, and for my dad to try and keep me at home but he just let me go like it was nothing. It’s been hard after my mom died and my dad’s the only family I’ve got left, so it really didn’t make me feel any better about leaving, even though I don’t have to deal with my dad’s family anymore.
B took me back to their apartment while J went with my dad to get my stuff from the house, and they had set up their extra room for me already. He apologized that they hadn’t been able to do this sooner and that they hoped I would like living with them. J came back with all of my things and they kind of gave me time to decompress. I ended up sleeping for almost sixteen hours because I was so exhausted.
Over the last week, they’ve been really nice about making me feel at home and have talked to me about getting me into therapy to deal with losing my mom and everything that happened at my dad’s house. They’re also trying to figure out how to move me into a different school so I don’t have to deal with my half-sister and everyone that knew my half-brother. It’s the first time in months that I feel like I can actually breathe and I don’t feel like I’m constantly on guard. My dad hasn’t texted me much or reached out in the last week so I don’t know what’s going to happen with him but, for now, I’m safe I guess.
So that’s what’s happened so far. Thanks for everyone that gave me advice and wished me well. It’s been really hard lately and it made me feel less alone.
TL;DR: I managed to get out of my toxic living situation, moved in with my dad’s best friend and his husband, and things are going okay, even if I’m still having a hard time | scatteringbones | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qa2ude/op_is_an_affair_baby_moves_in_with_dad_after_moms/ | qa2ude | 12,039 | 3,500 | [
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2021-10-17T18:47:52 | My husband was killed in a car accident recently and I have found out we are tens of thousands of dollars in debt. | LegalAdvice | This is a repost. I am not the original poster.
The original poster is a deleted user in r/legaladvice. First post about 2 1/2 years old.
**My husband was killed in a car accident recently and I have found out we are tens of thousands of dollars in debt.**
[https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9rfvil/ohiomy\_husband\_was\_killed\_in\_a\_car\_accident/](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9rfvil/ohiomy_husband_was_killed_in_a_car_accident/)
Forgive me if this is a little disjointed, I am still reeling from trying to wrap my head around my current situation. My husband passed away very suddenly recently and in the weeks since his passing I have discovered that he was keeping huge secrets from me.
In going through our financial information, I have discovered multiple credit cards in his, mine and the kids names that are at maximum balance, 2 sets of loan papers from different banks for over $20,000, paperwork that says our mortgage is 4 months behind and a ton of other things that I can barely make sense of. From what I can tell, his business hasn't been making any actual money in over a year and our savings accounts are drained. There is evidence that he has been using some gambling website and has lost thousands and thousands of dollars. I've been a stay at home mom for our entire marriage and he owned his own business so he handled everything with the money.
I have no idea how to deal with any of this or what to do. I know I need a lawyer but our accounts are pretty much empty and I am at a total loss over what to do. Are there any free legal options I can look into? I have tried to call a bunch of lawyers and all of them have said they won't give out any advice or counsel over the phone. Am I liable for all this debt even though I didn't consent to my name and certainly not my kids' names being used to open credit cards? I feel like an idiot for being this uninformed but I am completely unprepared to deal with this and I am terrified we are going to lose our house and worse. I never in a million years dreamed he would do this to us. Can anyone point me in the right direction please?
**UPDATE 1: Husband killed in a car crash, left us in debt**
(posted about 2 weeks after the first post)
[https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9vvejz/update\_post\_husband\_killed\_in\_a\_car\_crash\_left\_us/](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9vvejz/update_post_husband_killed_in_a_car_crash_left_us/)
I wanted to give you an update since so many people gave advice and said such kind things. My original post is here
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9rfvil/ohiomy\_husband\_was\_killed\_in\_a\_car\_accident/?st=jousgugd&sh=c6a66486](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9rfvil/ohiomy_husband_was_killed_in_a_car_accident/)
First of all, thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I'm sorry I didn't respond on the other post, I was just so completely overwhelmed, I still am really, but I did read every comment and message and I appreciate everyone that took the time to comment.
I was able to find some legal help and we are working on sorting out the mess my family is in. Things were far worse than I even knew when I made my first post. All together, the debt that was accumulated is close to half a million dollars. At this point I have no idea how much I am going to end up responsible for. The lawyer has said it could take years to sort everything out.
No matter what happens, we are going to be losing the house. I am working on finding us somewhere to stay before they actually foreclose so we don't get evicted and have that on my record too.
I want to try to answer some of the questions and advice people mentioned in the other post.
I have 3 kids, so that is the we that I keep saying. The older two are from a previous relationship but I have contacted social security to get benefits started for my youngest. Thank you to the user who mentioned that.
My husband's business was a computer/tech repair company he ran by himself. He had a few people he would call in to help with larger jobs but 95% of everything was him alone. The last year or so it appears he wasn't doing any actual work and there was no money coming in. He took money from the business to cover what he took from our personal accounts and then took out loans to cover the business and pissed it all away on gambling and other illegal activities that have come to light over the past few weeks. Sorry to be vague, it's just embarrassing and hard to talk about.
To the people who said that maybe the crash was intentional, it is looking increasingly likely that it was. Nobody else was involved, his car went off the road and hit a tree. He had life insurance before, but he stopped paying the policy months ago.
I am in contact with the police about the credit cards in our names and the other things that were discovered.
All in all, things are looking really bleak at the moment but I have faith that eventually it will work out. I have a few leads on jobs and have picked up a little temp work here and there the last few weeks so that we have something coming in. I have signed up for food stamps and Medicaid so once that goes through it will be a bit of help. I applied for AMHA as well but they said the waitlist can be a few years wait so that is a kind of longshot. Someone has suggested asking family/friends for help or loans and they absolutely would help me if they could but none of them are in a financial position to be able to help. My sister will hopefully be able to let us stay with her temporarily until I can sort things out and get us back together. She is my only living family and has been my rock through all this.
So yeah, I guess that's it. Thank you all again for listening and helping. If anyone else has any more suggestions on trying to pick up the pieces that I haven't thought of, I would appreciate any advice
**UPDATE 2: Final update to my husband commiting suicide and leaving us in debt**
(posted 2 weeks after first update)
[https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9zulbq/update\_final\_update\_to\_my\_husband\_commiting/](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9zulbq/update_final_update_to_my_husband_commiting/)
This will probably be my last update, I hope at least.
My previous post is here [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9vvejz/update\_post\_husband\_killed\_in\_a\_car\_crash\_left\_us/?st=jouu1bgy&sh=17db4279](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9vvejz/update_post_husband_killed_in_a_car_crash_left_us/)
First of all, sorting things out didn't take nearly as long as we thought it would. Things ended up being a lot more straightforward than they first appeared. I will be filing for bankruptcy, probably early next year. I've talked extensively with the lawyer and weighed my options and that seems like the best way to move forward at this point. 90%-95% of the debt should be discharged with bankruptcy. So that is a good thing although it's bittersweet.
We are losing the house. We will be moving out by November 30th. I am worried about the bankruptcy/credit issues with trying to rent an apartment, however I am now on the list for pmha housing and from what I've heard the wait isn't long at all. We ended up not being able to count on staying with my sister for longer than about a week thanks to her jerky landlord, so I am trying to find something else in the meantime. I have a few options to look into. Honestly I'm not that sad about the fact that we have to move out of the house. The old place is filled with tainted memories now and I think it will be good to get a fresh start.
I've been assured by the police and my lawyer that because of the criminal nature of opening the accounts in the kids' names we should be able to get their credit cleared. That one might be a long road but we'll get through that too.
My applications for Medicaid and food stamps came through so that is some definite stress off my shoulders. I made the girls and myself an appointment at a family counselor which we will be going to next week. The lady at pmha housing was very reassuring and very sweet about my situation and she made it sound like I was pretty much a shoo-in as soon as a place opened up.
Last but not least I listened to the many redditors that told me to make a post over in [r/santaslittlehelpers](https://www.rareddit.com/r/santaslittlehelpers) to inquire about help with Christmas for the girls. So hopefully we will be able to find some holiday help and that will be another huge load of stress lifted off my shoulders.
I want to thank everyone who messaged me and offered words of encouragement and support. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I'm not alone. I never imagined Reddit to be an empathetic and caring source of comfort but it turns out that is exactly what it is. Thanks again everyone.
**Final Update: One last update to my husband committing suicide and leaving us in debt**
(posted about two weeks after last update)
[https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a3s7ja/updateone\_last\_update\_to\_my\_husband\_committing/](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a3s7ja/updateone_last_update_to_my_husband_committing/)
Hello everyone. I wanted to give one last update to my situation since so many of you reached out to me.
My previous posts are [here](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9rfvil/ohiomy_husband_was_killed_in_a_car_accident/),[here](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9vvejz/update_post_husband_killed_in_a_car_crash_left_us/), and the most recent one [here](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9zulbq/update_final_update_to_my_husband_commiting/).
This has been a whirlwind few weeks. A lot of change, a lot of stress and a lot of hard work. As difficult as all this has been and will still be to go through, I am feeling more positive than I have in months. The legal issues are being dealt with as best they can for the moment and we are looking at filing bankruptcy early next year. It is scary to think about, but I do know it is our best option and things will work out in the end. We moved out of our house almost a week ago. It feels very bittersweet and the girls are having a difficult time but I know they will adjust and I really do think a fresh start will be the best thing for us. The girls are in individual grief counseling and we began family therapy. I will be making an appointment for myself as well, something so many of you encouraged me to do.
Some of my good news now. We were able to find a permanent place to live, with a very sweet landlord who is sympathetic to my situation and has previous experience with the welfare system AND has bent over backwards to help me through all of the red tape. We will be moving, (again!), into the new place at the end of this month. Hopefully that will be the last time we have to move for a very long time!
My second huge piece of good news to update with is that I got a job! I am now working full time in an office of a company that is owned by someone I met through my posts here. She contacted me after my last update and offered me a trial run with her company. I started this past Monday and so far, so good! I am incredibly humbled and grateful to her for giving me a chance. That brings me to my third point and really the reason I am making this update.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I first reached out for advice here. I just felt so overwhelmed with the situation and I think I was just mostly wanting to not feel alone and to connect with and talk to people who had some understanding of what I was dealing with. The response I got from all of you has been astonishing. The advice, the stories of dealing with similar circumstances, the encouraging messages, the fact that you all literally [saved Christmas for me and my kids](https://www.rareddit.com/r/pics/comments/a2kjv1/this_is_what_a_reddit_hug_looks_like_i_reached/), A NEW FREAKING JOB, and just the empathy and kindness you all have shown to me and my family is so far beyond anything I expected that I don't even know the words to express how grateful and humbled and loved it has made me feel. It is going to be a long, tough road, but I have total faith that things will be okay and that is in large part due to the [r/legaladvice](https://www.rareddit.com/r/legaladvice) community.
So in closing, I want to say THANK YOU to every single person who reached out to me in any way, shape or form. Thank you for lifting us up and helping us through this. You guys have saved me in a million different ways and I will always be grateful. I hope you all have the Merriest Christmas ever! | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qa4xqh/my_husband_was_killed_in_a_car_accident_recently/ | qa4xqh | 12,813 | 1,955 | [
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2021-10-17T22:09:48 | OP doesn't want her special needs sister at her wedding because she has an issue with trying to kiss her fiance. Her parents think she's selfish for not wanting her to come. | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita_for_not_wanting_my_disabled_sister_at_my/) by [u/PriyrPo](https://www.reddit.com/user/PriyrPo/)
&#x200B;
**AITA for not wanting my disabled sister at my wedding?**
&#x200B;
The title sounds awful but please read all the way til the end. DO NOT SPEED READ THIS.
My (22f) sister "Anna" (21) is "special need". She has severe autism and while she is verbal most of her communication is "physical" like sign language due to her social discomfort. She does speak around family though and has pretty bad cognitive skills. She can't comprehend boundaries and lives with our parents so they can best watch her.
I am getting married in 3 months. We planned a simple wedding and reception at my fiance "Michael's" parents barn and farm. Since it's all gonna be DIY and we aren't planning anything too expensive, we can do things pretty quickly since flowers, food and decor will be provided by his family.
I sent out invites last week and I asked that Anna not come. I told my parents I understood that would mean they may not show up but it was just a heads up. Why no Anna? She has an issue with touching Michael and trying to kiss him. At times when we were at my parents house Anna would try and grab Michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him. We've tried speaking to her but there's only so much we can do when she doesn't really understand. I told my parents I just want one day for Michael to be *my* partner and not Anna's comfort person. They called me selfish and asked how I expected them to agree to something like this. They told me Anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while I have Michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that Michael and I can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life.
I feel like a total ass and what they're saying has really gotten to me and I'm starting to question my decision. AITA?
Update: My parents called me letting me know they won't be coming and that it's best I don't bring Michael around anymore since I've "chosen some man over my sister". They told me that Anna wanting to kiss Michael and hug him is normal for a women her age and that she doesn't understand what her feelings mean. I suggested they try to redirect her during the wedding but they said Michael is gonna be family to her and he needs to "get over it". I suggested they watch the wedding via web and they said that's not fair and that they deserve to see things in person. I asked if *I* could pay for someone with proper credentials to watch her that day while they attention and they asked what I would do when they died and if I'd pawn her off every time. I dropped the unfortunate truth bomb that I don't want to put any more of my life aside for Anna anymore. I did it up until I turned 18. And that Anna is not my life's responsibility and I won't be her keeper. I assured them I'd pay for her care but if she's okay doing this to Michael then I worry for if I ever do choose to have children and what she'd do to them They said I was sick for suggesting she'd do anything to my future children and hung up on me. They sent a lengthy text telling me not to contact them until I could "do the right thing". So thts where we are right now.
PLEASE READ: This is NOT an excuse to talk badly about disabled people's nor is this an opportunity to air out your hatred for them. My sister is not a scapegoat to hate disabled people. She is a human being with feelings, she is not a statistic, she is not evil. Please stop treating my sister as if she's a malicious monster, this debacle is between me and my parents. Leave her out of it, please. I am begging you, I don't want to hear why you think my sister sucks. | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qa8xgl/op_doesnt_want_her_special_needs_sister_at_her/ | qa8xgl | 3,875 | 1,566 | [
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2021-10-18T13:15:29 | OP (F26) asks for advice to extricate herself from her toxic relationship with her BF (M35) | Relationships | **Repost, I'm not the original poster.**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2s6s68/i_26_f_think_im_finally_ready_to_leave_my/) by u/narcissismftl:*
I don't even know where to begin. I am so heartbroken, yet numb at the same time. I have been with J for over a year now. We moved really quickly & lived pretty far apart. We were originally talking about him coming to live with me, but a window opened up for me & I was able to leave & start anew or stay where I was & be apart from J for an undetermined amount of time. I decided to go for it. I am a romantic at heart & the whole situation was very exciting. But we all know where this is going. Sorry, this is a really long one.
I am definitely no angel. Things were really good for the first few months but pretty much ever since then we fight & argue pretty consistently. I am a very affectionate, emotional, & invested person when it comes to relationships. He is very solitary & very much enjoys being alone. He hadn't had a serious relationship in quite some time before he & I started dating so I was able to be somewhat understanding. But if we were ever to get into a really bad argument, it was just me, on my own, trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces & be okay again. There's really too much that's happened to pin point anything in particular, but for a while now he has just been incredibly cold to me whenever we disagree. He is very proud & stubborn as well, so he rarely ever backs down, even if he knows he is wrong. He has a very hard time apologizing or even acknowledging & validating my feelings. The biggest WTF about all of that is that he is a social worker who's been in the field for quite a few years. He understands my needs & what hurts me. He understands the importance of validating someone's feelings even if you don't see eye to eye. He understands everything that we should be doing but everything is all so fucked up. In addition, over the course of the past year he also has turned more & more to alcohol. And when he's drinking, his antics are taken to the extreme. Before I moved here I didn't really think he drank all that much. He never did when we visited each other, but I know sometimes he drank wine to help him sleep. Now he drinks at least a bottle or more a night. Sometimes he will buy liquor & has gone through 3/4 to an entire bottle of whiskey in one night, the most recent time being about a week ago. It floors me & breaks my heart every time. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, who still has not stopped drinking, & so it kills me & triggers me, bringing back feelings of abandonment & all of that because I was on my own a lot when I was younger. I've shared all of this with him. He knows. Nothing ever changes.
The worst part to me is that when he is angry at me he says the meanest & most hateful things he can say to hurt me. He will look me right in the eye & try to break me. He doesn't flinch when I cry. If anything I repulse him when I show any emotion. But when it comes to apologizing or talking about his feelings he can barely look at me. He has no idea how badly the things he says hurts me & I don't think he believes me when I try to explain it. He always thinks I'm being too sensitive or irrational. I am sensitive, but he's also very insensitive. I know that I nag him too much & make an issue out of things that I should just let go. I am hard to deal with myself. I just can't rationalize being intentionally hurtful & doing the things he does. I've never wanted to hurt him or cause him pain. I love him so much & I wish that mattered to him.
This past weekend was a nightmare. This past week alone he has chosen to sleep on the couch 4-5 times. On Friday, he barely spoke to me while we both were at work. I texted him about my day throughout the day. Nothing. I called him on my way home. He actually answered but sounded like a robot the entire time we were on the phone. He did not want to talk to me & told me he didn't text me throughout the day because he was busy. Right. I get home & he still seems indifferent. It hurts. I know he needs his space a lot & I have been bad about not respecting that. But that day I told him that I would stay upstairs if he wanted to be alone. And that's what we did. Then later he left to get dinner. Came back. Still more of the same. Finally at 9pm, after being ignored for an entire day, I broke down. I was sobbing, asking him what I did & why he was giving me the could shoulder. He said he just wanted to relax. That was his only reason. And he said that he couldn't relax with me. He still didn't want to talk to me, didn't care that I was upset. He just wanted to "relax."
I can understand what he's saying but how he goes about this is all wrong & it's always the same. He never gives me a chance. He gives me the cold shoulder & when I protest he's even more distant. Eventually he will stop talking altogether. He will just sit there, stone-faced, looking at me while I cry, while I plead with him to talk to me, to stop being so cold. If we're in bed, he will just pretend that he's asleep. He won't move or respond at all. It's really immature & really hurtful & he does this several times a week. He just shuts down & has no remorse. For me, it's completely frustrating & mentally taxing. It feels like he's torturing me. I hate being ignored & most of the time I don't understand why I'm being ignored & I'm left to deal with it on my own. Friday was no different. I went to sleep crying while he was laying next to me. The next morning he actually talked to me a little, but he was pissed at me. I was pissed, sad, heartbroken, frustrated. And I felt like I wasn't being heard. That's how I usually feel. He seemed a little more receptive to me, but I kept wondering whether any of it was genuine. For the past month or so I've really started to feel like nothing he says is the truth. When he says he loves me, cares about me, things like that. It always feels like he's forcing himself to say it.
Saturday I was a wreck. At that point I just kept reliving all the other nights like that we've had, where I've been upset & crying & had no one to talk to. I have friends back home who I talk to from time to time but they're sick of hearing about it. They are always open to me but I feel embarrassed & stupid telling them about the same things over & over again. I was in bed practically all day. I didn't really eat or get up other than to use the bathroom. He laid with me for a while that morning. He did stay with me for a while, which I found surprising. Eventually he left to take the dogs to the dog park & I went to sleep. When he got back, he wanted me to get up & get ready so he could take me to dinner. I was not feeling up to it. He seemed disappointed but he kept trying. He eventually made dinner for us both, which was nice. I couldn't shake all the negative feelings that I had, though. I was trying to be myself with him & enjoy the moment but I kept thinking of all the other negative shit that always outweighs moments like that.
He can be a really sweet guy. He has done a lot for me & I know that he does try to be what I need some of the time. His problem is that he can be extremely selfish & cold, to the point where I feel it's downright cruel. He also concerns himself more with winning. He views our arguments or disagreements as a challenge. If he backs down, whether he's wrong or not being a good person, he loses & he doesn't lose. While I do things of my own that piss him off, I couldn't do the things that he does. To me it feels like psychological torture & I beg him to stop but get nowhere.
Saturday ended on ok terms. Sunday, yesterday, was actually a lot better. I was feeling more motivated & wanted to get out & do something with him, to feel closer to him. We ended up just staying at home most of the day, watching football with his brother, & cleaning house, which is what we typically do on Sundays. It was nice. Things seemed more normal. Later we went to the dog park together & we usually talk there. We talked about the past couple of days & what the hell was happening & going wrong. I told him that I know I need to stop nagging him so much & let him just be sometimes. I told him that I cannot handle when he straight up ignores me & lets me sit there & cry. I told him that I thought it was cruel & felt inhumane & like he was punishing me. We aired everything out but it's everything we've said to each other before. This entire weekend I had been questioning openly whether we were right for each other. I mean at this point I think it's obvious that shit isn't working. And he was actually the one to argue that. He always argues with me, even with how I feel, but it's usually not in favor of something positive. He said that he thinks we can be right for each other & have a lot in common & thinks that we both could just try a lot harder. I told him that I've always been willing to try & that he is the one who eventually turns & makes me feel alone. I told him that if that's how he was going to continue making me feel then I'd rather just actually be alone. It's so much worse having someone you love physically with you but still feeling completely isolated & alone. Again, all stuff we've talked about. He seemed apologetic & willing to work on it & willing to stop the selfish antics.
Of course I want to believe him. That is my problem. I always feel like he's finally going to choose love over his own pride & ego. But in the end it never happens that way. After the dog park I was feeling a lot better. We came home, I made dinner, & we watched a movie. We cuddled & behaved like a normal couple at last. Then when we were going to bed everything changed. We were laying in bed & talking about everything again. He was actually being open & receptive. It felt good. I felt like we were getting somewhere. Then out of the blue he asks me if I'll take him to the liquor store to get whiskey. By this point it was 10pm, which is when we're usually in bed, & he had several glasses of wine. He didn't feel comfortable driving but I was not going to drive him to get booze so that he could get drunk & belligerent on me. I said no but he kept asking. I told him that I was enjoying just laying there with him & talking & that that was enough for me. I told him that it hurt that he didn't want to just stay with me for one night. That us talking & being together & normal wasn't good enough. He still just wanted to "take the edge off." Again, I'm hurt. Eventually he got up & decides he's going to drive himself. I kept asking him to please not go, please just stay with me & talk. Please just let being with me be enough for tonight. He acts all calm & says that everything is fine. He says that he does like talking to me & wants to keep doing that but just wants to drink a little more. I kept begging him not to leave. He just kissed me on the head & said he'd be right back. He left. I started crying. It snowed a LOT last night so I would have been surprised if he actually decided to drive in that. After 15 minutes he hadn't come back upstairs, so I went downstairs & there he was. He was just sitting on the couch watching tv. Apparently he decided to just walk to the bar next door & get a growler. I asked what he was doing. He was just relaxing again. I asked why he didn't come back upstairs & he just shrugged. He said he just wanted to relax & didn't want to deal with "this." I was obviously upset again because again we just took several steps back from where I thought we were & the understanding I thought we had.
Eventually he comes upstairs & I ask him why he's being the way he is. He gives me one word responses. He doesn't comfort me & barely looks at me. He gets in bed fully clothed. He obviously doesn't plan on staying. I'm trying to talk to him but eventually he just stops responding. He just lays there & looks at me, nothing behind his eyes. I eventually give up & just start sobbing. When I look back to him he has his eyes closed & is going to sleep. I beg him to not do this again, to remember the things we talked about earlier, to not turn his back on me again. It doesn't matter. He doesn't stop. Eventually I told him I can't be around that & he can either stop or sleep downstairs. To my astonishment (don't know why I was surprised), he rises from his deep sleep & grabs a pillow before walking toward the door. I ask him again to please not do this, to listen to me, to look at me. He stops & turns to me but literally just stands there with his eyes closed & says nothing, does nothing. I shrivel back into bed & keep crying. He leaves. And that's that. I called my best friend right after because I felt like I was going fucking insane, that this could not actually be happening. She basically agrees that it's crazy, that she's observed how manipulative he's been with my feelings for a while & how I've been losing my sense of self worth. She was really pissed & worried. She was really awesome & eventually had me laughing. Even after we got off the phone she continued texting me throughout the night, trying to get me to think about something else.
I slept off & on but felt like I didn't sleep at all. I called in to work but I still haven't been able to sleep & don't know what to do. This morning he didn't say anything to me or do anything. I texted him after he left that he's literally the cruelest person I've ever met. And I do believe that. The little, fucked up things he does almost on a daily basis feels like psychological torture. I feel like I'm going crazy. He's making me feel like I'm the crazy one. All the while he doesn't seem to be bothered at all. We've gone back & forth like this for a while now. Eventually we'll make up. Eventually he'll start being sweet for a day or two, tell me how much I mean to him. And then it happens all over again.
I don't think I can do it anymore. I'm so miserable. I feel so incredibly unloved. I never done the things that he does to me nor have I seen or heard of anyone doing that to their partner. I just don't get it & have this overwhelming sense of regret for not understanding any of it. I can't fathom how he can be like this to someone he loves. I know that he is jaded & has been emotionally fucked in the past. I mean, who hasn't? He was previously married for about five years & according to his best friend his ex wife used to do the same manipulative, psychological things to him. But I still don't get it, how someone can be so cruel. I feel so many things. I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone. That he can have love without the fear. I've tried to let him know so many times that I would never intentionally hurt him or turn my back on him. I've always been completely open to him & loyal. He knows that. But it doesn't make a difference. He can't, or won't, be that for me. And in the mean time he's fucking with my emotions so badly I'm starting to lose myself.
It's really hard. I moved to be with him. He's the only "friend" I have out here. But as it turns out he's not my friend at all. He doesn't have my back or my best interests at heart. I really want to pack all my shit in my car & just drive back home. It would be three days of driving but I feel like it might be worth it if I can figure logistics & save some money to afford it. The thought of completely starting over & running home at this stage in my life is so defeating, but it would probably be such a relief to be around my real friends & my family again. My friend was begging me to come home. I still don't know what to do. Deep down I still want to love this man. I want him to wake up & realize what he's creating, for himself mostly. But that's not going to happen unless he wants to see it. I'm so heartbroken.
Right now I'm just at home reeling. I've cried so much over the past few months I'm sick of it. I just feel empty & have an overwhelming sense of unease & of not knowing what the hell to do anymore. Thus far nothing I do and/or say matters to this person who matters so much to me.
I would love any advice or any insight, especially if you have experience with this or know any narcissists. I don't throw that term around lightly. The last thing I want to believe is that he is truly this way, but his words & actions have contradicted one too many times & overall the things that he does make me feel completely unloved. I've never felt so small & insignificant to someone I care so much about. And I've never heard of someone who loves you just not reacting or having any feelings about it when you actually tell them these things. He doesn't seem human to me sometimes. He doesn't care. I can't stop caring. I need to get away from here.
**Edit:**
I sent him this email a little earlier. It reads kinda like a breakup email, but I honestly have no earthly idea how I'm going to be able to ignore him or sleep next to him. This sucks.
"I love you. You know that, but I'm not sure that you understand it or know what it means. I think that you are worth loving & that you deserve love. But you don't feel it yourself. I wanted so badly to believe the wonderful things you've said throughout our relationship & your claims of devotion to me. But what it boils down to for you, & everyone, is that actions define character, not words. There have been too many contradictions for me. So many that I feel like I must be going insane rather than this actually being my life & my relationship. I am emotional & hard to deal with, but I've been true to myself & true to you. I've been loyal. I've tried to be good to you. But I don't deserve the things I've had to deal with solely because of you. I wish you knew how to truly love someone. I wish that someone had shown you how. I wish you wanted to help yourself, but I know you'd rather be alone than to ask for anyone's help. I wanted to help you. I tried. You don't want it. You don't love me. You never did. And I know this is just another version of the same story for you. I really hope you can find love one day, especially within yourself. You owe it to yourself to try to find that."
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2zsi2b/update_i_26_f_think_im_finally_ready_to_leave_my/):*
I didn't get many comments on my original post, but the comments that I did receive were so insightful, helpful, & caring. Thank you so much to every person who provided input & took the time to reach out. I didn't take you up on your PM offers, but I did finally leave. I have been rereading it all to convince myself I did the right thing.
I finally left. I did what I had been fantasizing about for months. I packed ALL of my things in boxes & tubs, filled up my SUV, & drove two 12-hour days back home. I always said I never wanted to come back home, never wanted to live here, & I don't really think it's a great place to live. But I knew I needed love back in my life.
Leaving was really hard. My ex & I had a really bad fight one Friday night. I was drunk & woke him up to antagonize him. Not my finest hour but I wanted to annoy him after weeks of him tormenting me with his indifference. But the next morning he requested that I leave. I was in shock & I was hurt. I apologized all day. Cried all day. All you can imagine. After two days of mostly being in bed, I decided I should go. My heart didn't want to leave but I genuinely felt unwanted. I felt like a stranger in my "home" for months by that point. And now my best friend told me to leave. So I gathered my things on a Sunday, told my ex on Monday that I was going to leave, & took off on Tuesday. When Tuesday came, he woke up & got ready for work like everything was peachy. Didn't really say anything to me. Wanted to give me advice on my route. That was about it. I was pretty fucking hurt by that. I called him at work & he just got pissed. Had nothing to say to me, nothing of significance. So I called my best friend sobbing after I left that morning.
Halfway into my day of driving, the ex emails me, asking if I actually left. I was in total disbelief at that stupid question but I answered. He then starts complaining about, "Well if you hadn't done this that night, I wouldn't have gotten mad. I wouldn't have told you to leave..." & we just went back in forth. Then he called me, crying. We had a pretty cathartic heart to heart. Talked for about two hours. Got everything out. He kept telling me to turn around, to come back "home." More of the same the next day I was driving. All throughout the next week he would send me good morning texts, very loving messages throughout the day. He told me that he was going to come to me during spring break (he works at a school) & bring me back "home." We talked about so many things the day & up to a week after I left. He said he wanted to go to counseling, he actually apologized for his behavior, he listened to me, said he wanted to do everything to make our relationship work & to get me back. Even said he would get me a promise ring. All of these things I had been dying for when we were actually together. Then one day he tells me he would like some space, to clear his head, a couple of days. So I give him that. Right before this break, he says that no matter what happens he will still fly down here to talk in person, whether we stay together or not. Both of our families live in the same area, so it wouldn't be a total waste if things didn't go well with us. Two days go by, I haven't heard from him. I caved & texted him, just that I miss him. I get no response. And pretty much from then (a week or more ago) until now, we haven't actually talked. He finally responded to some of my emails, one night when he got drunk, told me that after thinking about everything he was mad at me again. Told me he needed more time. By this point I'm pretty much back to where I was when we were breaking up. Hurt, angry, confused, lost. I felt like he just slipped through my fingers.
4 or 5 days ago I sent him a pretty long email, basically telling him in an eloquent way that his behavior is bullshit & that I'm not going to keep waiting on him & putting my life & happiness on hold while he decides whether or not I'm worth anything to him after all. I got no response to that & I haven't heard from him since. Up until a couple of days ago, I was pretty sad & lethargic. My family & friends have been wonderful. I haven't been struggling other than emotionally. But I felt like my life was taken away from me. The worst part is that I had no control or say in the matter. I just felt wrecked, dejected. But 2 or 3 days ago I finally woke up I think. I started to just get fucking pissed. Pissed at this 35-year-old man-child who at least owes me a proper breakup via phone but can't seem to muster the will. I told him that whether we broke up or not, I at least wanted to have a conversation about it, closure. But apparently I don't even deserve that. I want to email him again & just tear into him, tell him what a piece of shit he is. But even though I'm really bitter I don't have it in me to be that venomous. And I know it wouldn't matter. In my final email I did leave my ex with a pretty stellar quote that I found in this subreddit. It hit me hard & has stuck with me.
"Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me."
I told him that I'm choosing me, so he doesn't have to.
I now realize that I definitely made the right choice. He feels so far away now & my life with him already seems foreign to me. I realize how unlike ME I had become over my time with him. I became more withdrawn, isolated. With him, I felt things I hadn't felt since childhood, like abandonment, always feeling inadequate & condescended to, & always like I was left to deal with everything on my own, especially the problems in the relationship. I know that he wasn't responsible for my feelings. I didn't look to him for any answers, just for love & acceptance. But after such a long period of feeling isolated & alone my self esteem was completely gone. I just felt like a disappointment every day. I've started acting more & more like my normal self lately. Seeing old friends has definitely helped with that. Sadly, I'm honestly unsure whether or not my ex every really loved me. And I'm furious that I will probably never see or hear from him again. But I know I deserve SO much better than that. Most people deserve better than this bullshit ending. I am scared of being so bitter & carrying this resentment & anger for a long time. I know it's not healthy but I'm not sure what to do about it at this moment in time. For now I've been trying to just not worry so much about things I can't control. I've been trying to have fun & get my life back on track, start living for myself again. I'm embarrassed to be this age & feel like I'm restarting, having centered my life around a relationship so enormously. But I know I'm fortunate in a lot of ways & need to stop being fucking sad all the time.
I don't know what my life is going to look like a month from now, but for the moment I'm just going to go with the confusion & try to have as much fun as possible with my friends who have stuck by my side.
Any advice you have would be awesome! | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qamhfz/op_f26_asks_for_advice_to_extricate_herself_from/ | qamhfz | 27,047 | 541 | [
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2021-10-18T14:25:56 | AITA for sharing my aunts with one set of step siblings and not the other? | AITA | *This is a* ***Repost***.
*Note: The Update is within the post.*
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[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mubcsv/aita_for_sharing_my_aunts_with_one_set_of_step/) by [u/Sad\_Book2572/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Sad_Book2572/)
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I (16f) am technically 1 of 6 kids, though 4 of them are step siblings. My parents had myself and my younger brother, got divorced, and got remarried to people who each had 2 kids, giving me 4 step siblings.
My aunts (S and N), are, to put it simply, rich. Like, fly the entire family to a different country for a month every year and not blink at the bill rich. They pay for mine and all three of my brothers' tuition, bought my mom and step dad (S is my mom's baby sister) a house, everything. Without my aunts, my family would really be struggling since mom works fulltime and stepdad tries, but he's disabled from an injury a few years old. I know my mom feels like she owes a lot to her younger sister, but all S said is that she wants us to be happy. S has a lot of health issues that I don't know a lot about, I just know she's sick a lot, and N's an orphan, so we're their only family. I don't know why they don't have their own kids, they'd be great moms, but I haven't asked.
And it's not just family they're nice to. They have a scholarship to the school they met at, and instead of making their friend deal with his dad's debt collectors when his dad died, they just paid off his estate after the lawyer gave them the go ahead a while ago. They're really nice people in general, from everything I've seen and heard from my mom and stepdad.
The only people they're not nice to are my dad, my stepmom, and their kids. I don't know what happened in general, a lot of the details have been kept from me, but I know my dad and my aunts went from being decent friends to never talking. It got even worse when my dad married my stepmom 6 months after the divorce. My aunts do everything they can for my mom, stepdad, and the 4 of us kids. My dad's family, they don't acknowledge him if they see him in the store unless it's something about me or my brother.
Now, the issue is my stepmom and dad asked me to try and talk to them. They said that as the oldest/only bio niece, I'm my Aunt S's favorite, and and if I asked her to pay for my two other step sibling's tuition to private high school when they start next year, she'd probably cave. If I asked her to take them all with us on the trips, she'd probably agree. Their lives would be much better if she agreed.
But I said no. I don't know why my aunt doesn't like my dad, but she already does so much for my mom and I, I don't want to ask her to do more for someone she clearly doesn't like. This made my dad and stepmom really angry, and they ground me for the rest of the week I'm with them. They said I was greedy for not sharing and making their lives better when my aunt would do it for me. AITA?
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**\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\***
**A couple of relevant comments from OP:**
And honestly, it's not even like they do nothing for my stepsiblings either. They don't know their exact birthdates, but I always get sent to my Dad's house with some cash to give them on their birthday, which I know is at *least* 50 so they can get themselves something. Same for Christmas. My aunts don't blame my stepsiblings, even if they don't want to take them on vacation with us.
This honestly isn't the first time he's grounded me for not doing something I'm uncomfortable with. At least he can't take my phone, since my mom pays for that and he'd get in trouble if he did. From what people are saying I'm realizing this isn't normal. And yeah, she's a good mom. Always has been! And she chose a pretty good stepdad too, even if sometimes he's a bit clueless as to what to do with teenage girls, lol. He at least tries.
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**Update!** Hey everyone. I'm sorry I didn't update this last night, it was big and I ended up getting caught up in everything. I texted my mom after she got off work, and told me to get my brother and myself packed up. I got us as packed up as I could, but my dad and my stepmom wouldn't give me my laptop back, which I need for school.
Well, my mom and both aunts came a bit later to get us. My aunt N took my brother and I to dinner since I wasn't fed because I was grounded and then home to my stepdad and stepbrothers while my mom and aunt S argued with my dad and stepmom, and by the time they came home they had my laptop back. It was pretty messed up though, and mom told me my stepmom had thrown it, but my aunt S promised to fix it and get me a new one if it couldn't be fixed. Luckily I do have my homework backed up, so I won't get into trouble, but still.
My stepdad went out and got us all ice cream sundaes, and we ended up having a giant family discussion. It turns out a lot of you were right - my dad was cheating on my mom with my stepmom, and I guess the jealously that my stepsiblings feel towards my brothers and me about going on vacations and having rich aunts is a lot worse than I thought. Like, all they talk about apparently, though they never brought it up to me. I thought we were at least friends, but my stepmom told my mom her kids hate me, which hurt.
And I guess my dad feels like my aunts owe him for some reason, because part of their wealth came from his advice, but that doesn't make any sense? If he was so wise, wouldn't he be rich too, like they are? I know my aunts are able to work 3 jobs between them, their individual 9-5 and their company, and because they don't have kids they can save more, but they still pay for a lot for 4 kids, me, my brother, and my step brothers, and give away a lot of money to other people, so I didn't really understand that.
To wrap it up, I don't think I'm going to go see my dad anytime soon. I'm really bothered by how things went down and by this new info, and I know it really hurt my mom to tell me. She kept apologizing, saying she was going to wait until we were both 18 to tell us about everything, but that my stepmom kept saying really horrible things during their argument and my mom was worried we would find out from her, and she would rather we find out in a safer environment. My stepdad was mainly there to refill water cups and give hugs when needed, though he did help to fill in some details when mom couldn't. My aunts told me I did the right thing, and that they were proud of me, and that it was going to be ok.
I'm upset and tired and hurt, and I don't know what will happen after today, but we don't have to go to school at least, and I can ask more questions after lunch. So yeah, that's my update. Not very fun, but I guess it's what it is. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qanqqd/aita_for_sharing_my_aunts_with_one_set_of_step/ | qanqqd | 6,746 | 1,029 | [
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2021-10-18T14:35:51 | I don't always diagnose through the internet, but when I do... | ADHD | Mood spoiler: >!Happy :)!<
This one is a bit of an odd case, because I actualy *am* the OP -- one of them, at least. This exchange happened a year ago, entirely in the comments of a post I made on r/ADHD joking about my medication's effects on my appetite:
https://reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/ewrbwk/when_you_wake_up_super_hungry_so_you_pop_your/fg3waj9/
On that post, u/norah9797 commented:
>Do all adhd meds cause loss of appetite? I'm not diagnosed yet (my appointment is in march), and it seems to be a common side effect. I personally already struggle with having no appetite and not eating enough in general so that side effect might become very problematic for me once I get on meds 😕 Just wondering ...
To which I responded:
>I don't know about all of them, but I use Vyvanse, which also is used to treat binge eating disorder. Definitely bring up your appetite issues to your doctor when discussing possible treatments.
>Your ADHD symptoms + appetite issues make me wonder if maybe you've got a thyroid issue. I don't know enough to diagnose, especially not through the internet, but that could be something you'd want to ask thr doctor about, too.
>Good luck!
And she replied:
>Thanks so much for that advice, you really might be on to something. I just checked in the mirror and I indeed have an immensely swollen/enlarged thyroid which is only visible when tilting my head back, which is why I probably didn't notice in the past.
>I do remember though that a few years ago a doctor had asked me out of the blue if I had any issues with my thyroid because apparently he noticed it while I was speaking. I said not that I know of and he left it at that which is why I never looked into it further... Which I should have done but I wasn't even aware of the fact that the thyroid can have such a big impact on mental health.
>I'm gonna have to get that checked out. Thanks!
And I thought that was the end of it. But then a month later, after a REALLY rough day at work, I get this in my inbox:
>Hello again! I just wanted to quickly thank you so so much for suggesting to get my thyroid checked out.
>Thanks to your comment I made a doctors appointment and have had a couple appointments since then and yesterday I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. I have a severe thyroid goiter with nodules and cysts in it, which luckily were tested to be benign. But, all the symptoms I've been having for all these years including my ADD symptoms, depression and anxiety etc. are apparently caused by Hashimoto's.
>It would have probably taken me countless more years to finally get ahold of the underlying cause of all my symptoms if it wasn't for you.
>Thank you. ♥️
It was really nice to get that update from her. Brightened up what was, at the time, an awful day. So remember, everyone: Thyroid symptoms can mimic ADHD symptoms! | tsabracadabra | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qanxd4/i_dont_always_diagnose_through_the_internet_but/ | qanxd4 | 2,890 | 2,155 | [
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2021-10-18T16:01:44 | I found out my fiance is with me for my money | Relationship_Advice | **Original Title:** **I (F25) found out my fiance (M27) is with me for money/family business**
*This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/d2trgo/i_f25_found_out_my_fiance_m27_is_with_me_for/) *is by* [u/ThrowRAmeistri](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAmeistri/)
To preface. My family owns a business that is very well known in our sector and makes loads of profit. Thus I am a trustfund baby. I try to not be spoiled and have always worked myself. I met my fiance Mark when I was 20 and working as a waitress.
We began dating a few moths later and he proposed to me last year.
Now mark is not poor. He is upper middle class. And while he doesn't struggle in life he didn't have to much to spend and lived very frugal. I thought he was an honest man because he always wanted to pay for his own things, reject expensive family holidays when we were still dating and he would cook for me instead of going with me dining outside. What I want to say is that I never had the impression that Mark was trying to take advantage of me or my family.
In the beginning my family was a little sketched out and brought up the "gold digger" argument and I stood up for him and fought with my dad. They came to love and accept him. When Mark graduated Dad hired him and now he is in a high earning position.
Sunday I was supossed to work in the evening and I was going to stay with my sister. But I got a fever and was basically just non functioning so I stayed home. Instead of staying in our bedroom I made my way to the guestroom that is better ventilated, has a mini fridge and it's own bathroom (I didn't want to stand up at all and walk arround so I just bunkered all my stuff there and closed the door).
Mark came home when I was fast asleep and I was woken up by loud voices in our garden. I pushed the curtains a bit to the side and mark Was there with a few friends. Just as I wanted to say hello I noticed that they were talking about me.
His friend kept laughing and calling Mark "the man!". Then they started laughing about me being willing to not sign a prenub. Then one of the girls that was there said something along the lines of "Jesus you about to make some bank mark!". Mark laughed and said "yeah just 3 more years and I am free".
At this moment I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up. I kept hearing them calling me trustfund Barbie and stupid and so on. I didn't know what to do so I just lied petrified in my bed and waited till the people left and mark went to bed. I texted my sister and snuck out to her place in the middle of the night and just passed out without telling her anything.
I haven't returned home and just told Mark that I was sick and didn't want to make him sick.y My sister has been really worried but I just feel so ashamed about everything. My family was right mark is a gold digger and I fell for it. Even if I tell my family what happened I have no proof. My father can't fire him just because he is a dick. As far as I know he is excellent at what he does and he has no legal foot to fire him I think. I just feel so confused ashamed and angry and would appriceate some insight
Edit: we are non us. Mark wasnt talking about anything else. He has no debt as he partly was under a scholarship and with part of it I helped pay it off. There is no way he wasn't talking about me
Edit 2: thank you all for your great advice. I opened up to my sister about it and she is right now with me reading all your responses. We have called up dad and I will talk to him tommorow. I will be signing out for the time being thanks again.
Edit 3: some questions have come up.
I don't drive that's why my fiance didn't see my car. I mostly uber around
I worked as a waitress for the experience not for the money and I don't any longer
I don't work for my father I am a company shareholder and I have to go to the general Quartal meetings but I don't work for him.
I am sure that it wasn't a fever dream. It was around 38.5c and while it was enough for my body to hurt it wasn't enough to have a vivid dream. By pass out at my sisters o don'team literall medically passing out.
Last edit : I am really tired that you guys are defending him saying that it could have been a joke. Guess what. It's not fucking funny. You don't degrade and disrespect your partner for laughs. You don't go along calling them stupid, trustfund barbie, stupid bitch and you definitely don't make remarks yourself. I don't understand that macho bravado as many of you have called it, but I don't think that's okay so stop with those comments. It was deeply hurt full.
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[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/d9dcpz/i_broke_up_with_my_fiance_because_he_was_a_gold/)
**Edit:**
Because you have to spoon feed people every tiny bit of information or this get written off as fake: obviously the lawyer didn't draft a prenup from 0 in half an hour. I do have siblings I do have cousins and some of them are engaged /married thus we have allready established prenups to go. Also we didn't need a bullet proof prenup for this. I just wanted to see his reaction. Serving him with a boilerplate prenup would have served the same purpose.
Also no I didn't ruin his life. He will not be fired. He will not be badmouthed in any kind of way. He has still all the opportunities in the world to succeed.
I thought I made it clear that I gave him notice for eviction. Meaning he had days to leave the property. That's why I am staying with my sister. It's not a done deal it's still in porgess but the biggest steps have been made. Jesus people
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First of all I want to clarify some questions that came up in the OP:
* mark couldn't have seen my car and known I was home because I don't have a car. I don't drive I uber arround. Driving makes me anxious and I only do it when necessary.
* I don't work as a waitress anymore. I worked for the time I was in uni.
* Mark wasn't hired as a high exec right away. He didn't take the job from anyone. He started as a normal intern and worked his way up.
* they weren't joking. They have never made that kind of remarks in my presence. Also I doubt calling me a "stupid trustfund barbie" qualifies as a joke.
**Update**
I was very tempted to play the long game and lead him on. But I decided to just present him with a prenup to look into his reaction.
After telling my dad, we invited Mark for lunch and would serve him the prenup there. However to be sure about things I asked him if he had had anyone over, because our neighbors had complained about lound noises. He said yes that his buddies were there. He didn't mention the girls that I saw.
We finished lunch and dad served him the papers saying that it was a must for getting married. You could instantly see that he didn't expect this. He got angry and asked me to speak to him alone. We went into the other room and he began babbling about blindsiding him and that this just really felt like a personal attack.
He was trying so hard to sell me the roll of victim and making me out to be the villain. Then he just said that he needed to think everything trough and left.
I have to admit I kinda broke down and began second guessing me but I could keep it together.
My family happily didn't pull the "I told you so"ʼs. We looked into everything and I have the legal right to evict him. The lawyer handled everything. Wrote an official eviction notice. And after a lot of talk, dad decided to present Mark with a deal so that he would leave the company.
After that was all sorted out I decided to just simply text(as one of you suggested) "Hey Mark, trustfund barbie here. As you said you would be free in 3 years I'll do you a big favor and set you free now. Kisses. Op"
My phone completely BLEW UP with marks messages after I send that. He texted and called me so many times I had to switch off my phone.
He came to my sister's place as he wanted to explain the situation. He promised that it was just a joke like a million times. I said it wasn't cutting it. They disrespected me in my own house, and I didn't want to be with somone that puts me down In order to appear better. He pleaded her cried he begged me not to end things. When. I wasn't budging he got mad at me accusing me of spying on him and ruining his life (honestly idk).
Then his manor changed once again to apologetic. He eventually owned up to the comment he made, still insisting that it was just a shitty joke. And then when I asked him why he didn't tell me about those random girls that appeared to know so much about me, he told me this weird story of them being cousins from on of his buddies and that they know of me because of my Instagram (shits private and I have like 30 followers).
I stood strong and I ended things with him. I will never know what exactly his plan was, but it's better to have things this way. We still have to sort out some financial stuff but after that I won't ever see mark again.
Sorry for any mistakes I am really sleepy. Just thought it would be good to update you | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qapngj/i_found_out_my_fiance_is_with_me_for_my_money/ | qapngj | 9,087 | 3,474 | [
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2021-10-18T16:38:20 | His gf cheated, he finds kindness in an unexpected place | Relationship_Advice | ORIGINAL:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q9lny9/my_30_m_girlfriend_almost_fiance_28_f_still_has/
I'm so flabbergasted. I have been dating a girl now for 2 years and we recently went ring shopping 2 weeks ago. She has a female friend that I don't know very well but I know they hang around each other alot. Two nights ago she left her phone while she went to do groceries and I was being nosy and took a peek at the messages. I saw were she was texting her friend and about a month ago they were talking of a guy that my fiance used to hook up with that her friend wanted to hook up with. Essentially her friend wanted to see what the guy was working with down there and my fiance quickly sent her 2 pics. Within a minute of her asking. Like wtf??!!! How does she have these. The guy is well endowed, much bigger than me tbh. Her friend asked her if she still gets off "on the side" and she responded with an upside down smiley emoji?? And changed the subject to talk about how her friend should have fun and that the other guy is good in bed.
I understand I may not be as good In bed as this other guy and that's fine. But like why have nudes?? And what does it mean to respond with an emoji when she asks if she still gets off from time to time?? Is this a way of saying is she cheating with that guy or using toys??
I asked her and she started crying saying it was a huge mistake that she had his nudes in her email and had to search for it and it wasn't saved in her phone gallery. And she said the upside down emoji was meaning that she uses toys sometimes. Toys that I have no idea she had before. I'm so f-ing confused we literally went ring shopping the other day. Damn smfh!!
UPDATE:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qae3ai/update_she_was_cheating_on_me_with_her_fwb2_years/
Yeah so like I said her FWB is an engineer that works for city. He is a black man in a part of town that is almost all white so he sticks out pretty well. Anyways through some digging I was able to get in contact with him. I actually messaged him on LinkedIn. But after some back and forth we exchanged numbers, turns out he literally stays 10 mins away from me.
Anyways we met for a drink and I couldn't hold my emotions just fucking crying like hell. He was really calm and stuff, I asked if he had any proof and he said he deletes all their text message. We went to his car and he texted her... IMMEDIATELY she started typing back to him and stopped after like 15 seconds of typing. She responded and said " Are you alone? Can you talk?" He called her and she said she can't see him anymore as she is about to be engaged. He literally winked at me as to see "check this out" started talking to her sexy, she tried stopping him and after a few minutes she said she doesn't know if she can ever stop sexing him. He asked if he can see her later That same night, and she said she is NOT SURE. Jesus smh!!
When he hung up I cried like a complete B I T C H. We went back to his house talked some more, he actually offered me some weed, I smoked for the first time in 9 years haha but it was worth it...I needed it. I haven't cried like this...ever. She is hooked on him and is settling for me. Including the down on the house I put and vacations and helping with her student loans I estimated I've spent about 105k USD...this is a nightmare. I learned that she literally had sex with him willy nilly for the past year. She claimed we broke up to him, yes we had a week break like a year ago but we never broke up. Just a rotten liar she is. I texted her that I'm done with her and she called me and just gave the same BS she has giving me the last 2 years. She wants to meet up to dinner to talk but I'm not ready to see her. She claims she hasn't had sex with him in 2 months like that is something she should receive a medal for. So irritating.
Btw I know I went on a rant about black men and white women earlier. I'm not a racist, my emotions just caught up with me. I apologize. Thank you all so much man. I appreciate you all. I called my dad crying and told him everything. I can't tell my mom or she will have a stroke, she loves my gf like her own daughter. I appreciate you all. | ohdearitsrichardiii | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qaqf4i/his_gf_cheated_he_finds_kindness_in_an_unexpected/ | qaqf4i | 4,231 | 641 | [
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2021-10-18T21:10:12 | I found out my partner has been putting slugs in my food, i dont know how to forgive him | Relationship_Advice | *This is a REPOST. I am not the original poster.*
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fi7t0o/i_found_out_my_partner_has_been_putting_slugs_in/) by u/smolbean197
Mood spoiler: >!she got away!<
**Trigger Warnings**: food tampering, psychological/emotional abuse, don't read while eating/if you have a weak stomach
&#x200B;
***I found out my partner has been putting slugs in my food, i dont know how to forgive him***
I 22F havw been with my partner 24M for 4 years now, i have never known him to do anything like this, but i noticed he started acting a little strange around a month maybe a month and a half ago.
He started putting fruit on the floor in the garden and i thought it was abit weird but he said he was feeding the mice family that have nested im our shed so i thought it was sweet and helped him do so.
Anyways he started being really nice to me around 2 weeks ago and was making me food, baking me cakes and stuff (which he never ususally cooks evee so i was so happy he found a hobby)
I did notice sometimes i felt sick and dizzy after eating and i juet put it down to lack of sleep/hormones.
Anyways a friend of my partners came into my work today (i work in a cafe) and said he needed to speak to me when i was free (i was free as there wasnt any customers at this time) he told me that my partner has been collecting slugs from the garden on fruit he has been putting out there and putting them in my food, blending them up, he even sent this friend of his pictures of a bag of slugs he had cocllected and the picture of blended slugs.
I feel Really sick to my stomache, i don't understand why he would do this, this is so out of character of him, i asked him why he was doing it and he accused me of snooping through his messages (which i would never do) and got so angry at me for 'not being able to take a joke'
I feel disgusting, i love him to pieces but i just don't understand his way of thinking just now.
Am i over reacting? I don't know what to do i feel Lost
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE (my partner has secretly been feeding me slugs and dont know what to do)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fiowwe/update_my_partner_has_secretly_been_feeding_me/)
Update
Edit/ i am recieving messages telling me to kill myself, please dont do that as i am highly sensitive just now.
I went to urgent care last night/early hours of morning and waited and was finally seen around 6amish.
I had some tests and i have a high level of metaldehyde in my blood. I was kept in for monitoring and i have some ulcers in my stomache (i was aware of this anyways as i was hospitilised about 2 months ago for a burst ulcer) originally thought it was stress but they now said it could be because of the poisoning.
I could have an infectuon of some Kind as my temperature is high but they havent found anything that could be causing that yet. They have checked my heart and it is fine, i am due to have heart surgery this year though but they're delaging it due to ulcers and infections and the fact i keep gettng sick which is ok, i have an appointment to se emy cardiologist on the 20th April.
I contacted the police and wrote a statement and was asked some questions.
Anyone who knows me in real life please don't post mine or my partners name as the police said it would destroy the investigation. (not the exsact words they used but i am unsre i was in a daze)
My ex refused to say anything to the police or to me, however he did say he would speak to his friend and only him. He then spoke to me (i was not alone i was with a friend and his friend too) he confessed to doing random experiments on me/tests starting a few months after we moved in together.
It started with spitting on my toast, and then the week later he replaced my propranalol (beta blockers) with salt (emptied capsuals)
I want to add he was my medication holder as i have a history of suicide attempts so he hadnled my meds and gave them to me and thats when he thought it would be funny.
He also admitted to these things: Swapping my linda McCartney vegetarian sausages with real meat. (i have ibs and struggle to digest meat so became a vegetarian) He also replaced my quorn nuggets with his real ones.
One of my pet giant african land snails went missing in summer and i assumed it escaped a si left the lid open on their box, but he said it had died so he scraped it out and put it my curry, i vaguley remember the day he did this as he laughed whenever i went to eat the curry and i got really paranoid so i put it in kitchen and stormed off he then brought it upstairs and told me to taste and i did and i realises he added loads of xhilli and he said he was laughing because he put chilli powder in and too much came out. Now i think he must of put the chilli in to cover the fact he put my snail in there.
He also said he rubbed my toothbrush on the toilet but then washed it as he thought that was too far.
I feel like this is all a dream, it just seems too dramatic to feel real.
I am unsure what is happening on the legal front,
He says he didn't know why he did this and that he does love me truly and that he felt compelled to do it. Which i understand as i suffer from OCD and get compultions/impultions. And that he really loves taking care of me and he feels its his purpose and he didnt mean to cause serious harm.
He promises he never did any of this to our animals
I think he could just be stressed as i have mental health issies that could of caused something in him to break from too much stress.
I am really sad and sorry for those who i caused concern.
Td;lr My partner has been secretly feeding me slugs been to hospital some damage but nothing too serious (i hope)
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[***Just found a jar with 4 slugs in under the sink my partner must of forgot about, i think they are dead so can be old ones i feel. Psysicaly sick***](https://www.reddit.com/user/smolbean197/comments/fi8nkd/just_found_a_jar_with_4_slugs_in_under_the_sink/)
[https://i.redd.it/tdyfycwmtim41.jpg](https://i.redd.it/tdyfycwmtim41.jpg) \- Pictured are several dead slugs in a jar
In the comments, many are asking if she has gone to the doctor (she has), and it is revealed that he did more than feed her slugs:
>He promised he never did this to any of your animals, but your dog recently had *lungworm* and he admitted to making you eat your pet snail. He replaced your heart medication with *salt*, and t*ampered with your food, knowing that you have IBS*. There is nothing "funny" about that. He has endangered your health, and those of your pets. Stress doesn't make anyone do this. He is not safe, for you or your pets. These are not the actions of someone who loves taking care of you, they are cruelty.
>
>Please, stop blaming yourself. I understand your struggles with both mental and physical health, and the need for someone to love and care for you, but if you value your life (and those of the animals you adopted), he can never be trusted again.
&#x200B;
Somewhere during all this, the OP posts this comment:
>Hi he was diagnosed wirh ASPD yesterday and admitted everything to me amd how i was his way of looking normal to the outside world, he manipulated me by giving me everything i wanted (as a BPD sufferer) love, affection, compliments. He began testing me emotionally at first eith cheating to see how i would react but i forgave him and then began woth food amd stuff to see how long until i got sick, I am still baffled, the person i knew i never really knew at all. He is a psychopath and he gives ASPD sufferers a bad name. He knew i was vunerable due to my mental and psysical illnesses, he became my carer but was torturing me at the same time and i was un aware of any of this. He rescued me from an abusive situation and then put me into a new one, that his how he works.
&#x200B;
[***I'm struggling to eat/ fear of food/ no appetite***](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/h9v5sq/im_struggling_to_eat_fear_of_food_no_appetite/)
I recently left a weird relationship where my partner was contaminating my food ect. Anyways ever aince i have struggled to eat, i moved into a ground floor flat, and sometimes i will find slugs around the house (i am terrified of them) i keep throwing food away because i dont know what the slugs have gone on, i am scared of getting sick, i can't cope or breathe right now, i have tried everything to stop slugs getting in, copper tape, salt non toxic pellets but they still somehow find their way into my flat. I feel like natures tormenting me, any advice please? I have tried speaking to my doctor but they won't really listen and the doctor i see said it was a good thing as i was overweight anyways. I was just discharged from the mental health team i was currently on.
&#x200B;
[***I am alive!***](https://www.reddit.com/user/smolbean197/comments/itaelt/i_am_alive/)
Hello everyone, sorry for those who i didnt get to message back my messages have been so full! I am alive but have been sick with coronavirus!
Thank you to those who reached out to me! You all made me feel less alone :)
Hope everyone is well!
&#x200B;
As of about 4 months ago, u/smolbean197 was active and doing well. | rainbow_drizzle | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qaw14o/i_found_out_my_partner_has_been_putting_slugs_in/ | qaw14o | 9,343 | 3,662 | [
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2021-10-18T22:07:04 | AITA for not wanting SIL to have her own dedicated space in our house | AITA | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/pikath
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ptjnuz/aita_for_not_wanting_sil_to_have_her_own/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
So my wife and I got married two years ago, and have known each other for around 5. I'm an introvert that likes to have his own space, while she's more of a social butterfly. While she is introverted, she also has those bouts of wanting to heavily socialize. I've never hidden the fact that I don’t like to see people for long periods of time and she even likes to tease me about it, calling me "cave demon", so I doubt she’s taken aback by that fact.
&#x200B;
For the last two years we haven't had many problems. We lived in a relatively small house, but if she wanted to see people she was more than welcome to invite them over.
&#x200B;
In that house, we had two upstairs bedrooms. One of them was my office. This arrangement was only made because when she does have people over I can just go in that room and not be bothered as well as sometimes I talk loudly when on voice chat with either coworkers or teammates while playing video games or working, so I also avoid bothering her friends and family members when they’re over.
&#x200B;
Well, we moved a month or so ago and apparently that changed. We’ve barely had one weekend to ourselves and her family and friends keep coming over, sometimes staying overnight.
&#x200B;
This is particularly the case with her sibling (early 20’s, F). To give you some perspective, in the last week, she was over 3-4 days out of 7. She is very helpful. While I do appreciate her help, my wife now made a specific space for her (with desk, chair, etc. in our basement, which is next to her desk and also next to my office) and went as far as prepare a whole bedroom just for her (while I did call her out saying that I don’t think it is fair to designate a full bedroom just for her sister while we only have 3 bedrooms (one of them being my office), she said “any guests could use it” (but has made the mistake of calling the room her sister’s room multiple times already) and wants to buy a new mattress and everything else for it, and I would have to pay for half of it. While money is not an issue for us, I told her I was not comfortable with this arrangement, not because I don’t think her sister is helpful or nice, but because it’s our house and, last time I checked, she doesn’t help pay our mortgage so why should she get to have a room designated just for her? This seems insane to me.
&#x200B;
I do also agree that while she is over, she doesn’t bother me and I am very antisocial, so my perspective on this may be skewed.
&#x200B;
After talking about it again, her answer to this was that ok well I get to have my office, so she can have a second desk and that if the laptop, monitor, keyboard, etc. was a problem ,that she was gonna tell her sister to “give” it to her so she could claim that they were actually hers and not her sister’s, so it shouldn’t bother me anymore. My answer to that was to simply tell her “ok, let’s see how long our marriage lasts then”.
&#x200B;
So reddit, AITA here?
UPDATE AITA for not wanting SIL to have her own dedicated space in our house
So I got a request from a few people to do an update on the situation so here it is.
&#x200B;
First, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and messages that reassured me that I was not crazy here. It greatly helped me get my thoughts straight and give a consistent message to my wife about how I felt about this.
&#x200B;
So after having another discussion about this with my wife, she explained to me that the desk was not to be used only by her sister. Since she likes gaming with her as well as her friends, it was for anyone really that came over to game with her to be next to her while they played. That seemed more inline with what we had discussed previously so I agreed that seemed just fine to me.
&#x200B;
We came to a compromise where we would buy a desk that would have wheels so we could move it in the spare bedroom whenever it was not in use and she promised me her sister would not leave her computer and other peripherals at our house, since it was to be used by anyone.
&#x200B;
After voicing my concern specifically with the consistency and duration of her sister's visits, she now lets me know beforehand and asks if I'm okay with her staying over. The consistency of her visits also seem to have diminished in the last few weeks, which is also great for me.
&#x200B;
She also recognized the amount of stress calling the spare bedroom her "sister's room" gave me and is now careful to only call it the spare bedroom and she agreed with me that we would never have anyone (including her sister) live with us permanently (other than if we have kids, of course), which greatly reassured me that we were on the same page here.
&#x200B;
I've also shown her my post and she laughed at how bad I was at recalling how it actually went down.
&#x200B;
Everything went back to normal other than that, sorry that this update isn't as juicy as some people would've hoped. | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qax6qc/aita_for_not_wanting_sil_to_have_her_own/ | qax6qc | 5,207 | 750 | [
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2021-10-18T22:53:47 | About to quit this job that’s been driving me nuts for an entire year’s | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/Alternative-Water-50
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q91sr3/about_to_quit_this_job_thats_been_driving_me_nuts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Been working in PR as a manager for more than a year for a non profit. At first I thought it was going to be a rather chill and cool job but it quickly turned out to the exact opposite.
My boss (F40s) is a control freak workaholic who points every mistake that I’ve ever made. She has no boundaries and works every day until 9 or 10 pm. Quickly she was asking for more and more and was pushing me to pick up the pace.
As a result, a year later after doing everything to please her (coming to work early, not taking any breaks during the day, working evenings and weekends). I’ve realized none of this actually satisfies her.
I’ve made another mistake today and I’ve been feeling tired and stressed out. She told me it was a huge deal and totally unacceptable.
Yet I have never seen her criticize any of my coworkers. They always come to work late and many of them are clearly incompetent but for some reason they never get in trouble.
I am so done with this job who has put me into an incredible amount of stress for the last year. At this point my anxiety has gotten so bad I wake up nauseous every morning. I dread the next day so much I cry on my way to work and on the way back.
I’m fed up and considering quitting just for my own sake. I cannot take this anymore. I feel I’ll never be good enough for my boss. I am this close to say I’m going through some sort of burnout or depression. I am humiliated and exhausted.
(Update) I (F30) resigned from my toxic job
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q91sr3/about_to_quit_this_job_thats_been_driving_me_nuts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I (F30) handed my resignation letter yesterday at the end of the day. It also was the last day of our annual conference which was all held virtually.
My boss (f40) was in total shock when I came in her office and said « here’s my resignation ». Her face went blank and there was a loooong awkward silence. Then she had the nerve to ask if this was an impulsive decision. To which I said no, as I stated in my letter that I was looking for other opportunities.
She also asked if I had anything lined up. I wanted to laugh at this point but I simply said I wouldn’t answer this question, that I would remain professional and hand over my files to my assistant.
And this isn’t the worst part of her reaction. She said she was expecting more from me professionally and wanted to have a conversation about it… like how? As stated in my [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q91sr3/about_to_quit_this_job_thats_been_driving_me_nuts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) I have been doing my best to meet her impossible standards: working extra hours, evenings and weekends.
This person is highly toxic and she wants someone to please her every needs and always say yes. I was thinking during my entire workday (and yes I was working on a Saturday) how under appreciated I was as an employee, how many times my boss was being petty or passive-aggressive. Every long weekend she would work and tell me about it the following week at the first occasion. Constant guilt tripping for taking days off since the assistant of my department is very flaky because of her kids (I am saying this with absolutely no judgment, I give her all the latitude she needs) My bloss truly has no work life balance, no hobbies, she never says no to any requests from anyone. This job is exhausting her but she refuses to admitting anything.
Last thing I want to do is to take all those days off I haven’t used yet (since I am not in the US and our work policy clearly states your days off are not being converted in any form of compensation when you leave).
Anyway I am beyond relieved. I do not want to deal with a toxic, stressful and demeaning environment ever again. Lesson learned. | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qay3fe/about_to_quit_this_job_thats_been_driving_me_nuts/ | qay3fe | 4,123 | 539 | [
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2021-10-19T01:15:07 | OP [F20] writes as she's about to run away from her strict and abusive Muslim family | offmychest | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
[TW:(domestic/child abuse)]
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1l5ssf/hi_reddit_im_running_away_tonight_and_i_dont_feel/) by u/totallyscaredgirl:*
Hey guys.
I'm 20, from a let's say strict Muslim background and currently resting my feet on my duffel bag. I left the dining room window ajar and took the keys I lied about losing months ago just in case my father checks the house before bed. It's quite late now and I feel numb.
I've waited my entire childhood to do this. All those years that I endured my mother calling me a whore for having foreign friends, all those years my non-Arabic father strangling me for not being able to pronounce Classical Arabic perfectly as a small non-Arabic girl, of making excuses for never seeing my friends until they all gradually grew tired of me and my fake doctor appointments and baby showers.
I should be happy because, hey, I'll be free from everything for the rest of ever when 6:30am comes. But why don't I feel good? I can't tell you how many angsty diary pages I've written about all the fabulous ways I was going to "school" my parents, all the elaborate getaways and theatrical fluff I had in mind. The reality of it is pretty fucking disappointing if I am honest.
I feel lonely, unloved, and cowardly. I wish more than anything I had parents who loved me. I wish I could wake up at 8:45 instead and have a nice last breakfast before leaving the nest. I wish they wouldn't roll their eyes whenever I entered a room and tell me that they were proud of me at least once. Except instead of a nest, I got a cage so I don't even know why I'm doing all this wishing because they will never, ever approve of me.
So, you see, not only am I a disappointment to my parents, I'm also a disappointment to 12 year old brave me for being so pathetic and not believing in myself. She took a shit ton of beatings and here I am feeling loyal to the ones who did it.
Maybe it's because I've realised that I'm alone now. Because, before at least I had parents even if they were horrendously, criminally shitty. Now it's just me and the world and that's it. No mother, no father, just me. And I'm scared!
But then I think about the fact that I only had my first kiss this year (even though I'm really fucking cute) and that I've never felt so free in my life as that night I spent at my friend's place with "no battery". I think about how relieved I feel when they go together to the market and grocery store for an hour or so each Sunday, and I'm home alone clicking NSFW threads without a care in the god damn world. Or how amazing it is to just watch GoT without having to make a scene whenever two actors kiss! Isn't that so sad?
More, importantly, I find myself thinking about all the people who do like me for some reason. Because in the few hours of socializing I can steal a week by bullshitting some excuse, I'm almost the life of the party. These people aren't my family and they listen to me. They laugh with me, not at me. It's a great feeling too.
I'm really not a immoral piece of shit like they want me to think I am. I guess I can be shitty at times but that's normal, isn't it? So, no, I'm not helping to bring about Judgement Day by hanging out with my classmate just because she isn't Turkish, Muslim, Sunni or from our region.
That's it really. I think maybe I just needed to make one last diary entry to feel justified and I think I do now.
Fuck you Mom and Dad. I'm still sad yes but I'm also still going. Especially you Dad - FUCK YOU. I hope you get run over by Mom seeing as her spatial awareness is almost as shit as her maternal instinct.
With love for the last time,
Me :)
*Selected comments:*
[#1](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1l5ssf/hi_reddit_im_running_away_tonight_and_i_dont_feel/cbw1f2q/):
> Do you have a plan? I'm not saying don't do it, but it can be dangerous. Stay safe. Good luck!
Yes I do. :) I've been planning for quite some time now. I just didn't expect to be emotional about it. Thank you!
[#2](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1l5ssf/hi_reddit_im_running_away_tonight_and_i_dont_feel/cbwcs07/): Until I get married, I am considered an extension of my parents and not an individual. Islam says I should obey my parents (unless they ask me to do something unIslamic in which case I can disobey freely no problem!) and my culture says I should obey my parents no matter what.
Western beliefs are irrelevant within the confines of our living room. It's definitely not that easy!
**Edited update:**
I didn't expect to update at all but I've planned this so well (go me!) that the day has been largely straightforward. More importantly, I want to update as a small token of gratitude towards all the lovely people who've offered me their time, sympathy and couches. I appreciate everyone who helped me so much!!
I did indeed leave home at the intended time of 6.30am. I snuck out using the key and my parents did not suspect anything until mid-day when, presumably, they burst into my room to bully me and found me absent. I've since received a barrage of texts and abusive voicemails from them, and I AM collecting them in case I ever need to report them. If they escalate, I will not hesitate to contact the police.
For those who asked, YES I took everything but the blu tack on my walls. My documents, my chargers, my ID, redirected, froze or cancelled anything that could give them a clue of my new address. I did not leave a note!! They do not deserve an explanation from me.
That's it guys. It's been a long crazy day, and I'm going to nap now and dream of all the cute throw cushions I should buy for my new room. I freaking did it.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1wrk59/update_hey_guys_im_that_muslim_girl_who_ran_away/):*
So I ran away 5 months ago. In August! And now it's winter and February and everything. I cannot believe how fast time has passed. It feels like only yesterday that I was sneaking my passport out their bedside cabinet. And now here I am! On the internet, in my own bedroom, in my own apartment parlayin' like some liberated she-devil.
I've settled into my new place completely. It's wonderful. I have wine glasses that I drink milk out of. I have a new wardrobe full of pretty dresses that show off my figure and taste. And I go to the grocery store after 6pm. Fucking metal. ヽ(´ー｀)ノ
I stopped wearing black and started making eye contact with men and women alike. I still struggle with confidence and speaking up but it's really cool to talk to people like a normal person, and not an intimidated husk of a young woman. I've probably seen more eye colours in the last 5 months than I have in the last two decades.
Still have lots of areas to improve but I'm an actual person now. It's so freakin' weird. Is my life perfect? Hell no. I even miss being mollycoddled in a way. Looking back, I had warm food on the table every night - even if I had to serve it to the men first - and my rent paid. Now I have to worry about adult stuff like not blowing my rent money on cookies and perfume but that's okay!
At least I can say that my life is mine. I have the freedom to fuck up now. I haven't yet but it's reassuring to know that I can throw caution to the wind without fearing physical violence and vague threats about marriage.
Since my last post, they have disowned me and committed themselves to erasing every apect of my existence. As far as they are concerned, they are still perfect human beings and they never had a daughter named X, much less abused and belittled her.
As for me, I have committed myself to undoing all the mental damage they inflicted on me, slowly carving out the path they never wanted me to take. Lots of ups and downs, naturally, but I am thriving and I just wanted to let you guys know that. I was very close to giving up when I made that post. It would have been easier to keep my head down and bear it for a few years longer but I'm glad I didn't chicken out.
Thanks for giving me that final shove, Reddit. I couldn't be happier. :)
edit: Whoa. I fell asleep, sorry to have blanked you all! I absolutely didn't expect so many wonderful replies. You guys rock!!
I wish I could give cake slices through the internet! <3
*Selected comments:*
[#1](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1wrk59/update_hey_guys_im_that_muslim_girl_who_ran_away/cf523ve/):
> Have you been keeping any kind of diary of recent events, your feelings etc?
Yes I have. I have been writing a diary for the last 11 years so I have thousands of pages of my childhood, teenage years and young ladyhood (erm, what's the word for that period?). I never skip a day!
Okay, you got me into thinking of titles. So far I am stuck between Memoirs Of An Undutiful Daughter and How To Fit Through Kitchen Windows For Dummies.
[#2](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1wrk59/update_hey_guys_im_that_muslim_girl_who_ran_away/cf524ie/):
> how did you know you're parents decided to disown you?
They contacted to tell me they didn't know me. Lol. There was a small window between now and my escape where they were blowing up my phone. Sometimes it was pleas, other times it was extremely violent threats. I never responded but logged everything as a paper trail just in case. Eventually I got a text saying that I'm dead to them.
[#3](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1wrk59/update_hey_guys_im_that_muslim_girl_who_ran_away/cf525k8/):
> So how'd you do it? How'd you get your own place?
I saved, saved, saved. I worked two jobs. I lied. It took me about two years of living frugally and making sure I didn't buy anything expensive or suspicious to make sure that I'd never have to return to that hellhole for financial reasons. When I left, I had about 18 months of rent money in my pocket. It's amazing the things you can do when you have a curfew and no friends, hobbies or freedom ha!
[#4](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1wrk59/update_hey_guys_im_that_muslim_girl_who_ran_away/cf528iq/):
> So where are you?!
Nice try Dad.
*[Seven years later update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/o6mrnd/update_i_made_a_post_here_7_years_ago_about/):*
I’m typing on mobile but my posting history is in my profile, if anyone is curious.
I get dozens of DMs from scared young kids, trying to talk themselves out of running away, so I will share what I experienced along the way.
I ran away in the summer of 2013. It’s now 2021. Yikes.
The Good:
I graduated from one of the best universities in my country. I fell in love with some dudes and then myself. I travelled and saw the world. I went to therapy. I made the best friends. Started my own business. Learnt a ton of life skills. All my (then) friends in similar situations also left home so we now have a little chosen family that celebrates every holiday we couldn’t as kids.
Moral of all that?
Well.
One day, that room you hide out in will be a distant memory. The view from your bedroom window, the parent whose footsteps you’ve memorised, the stale tension in the air.
One day, all of that will become little more than a “remember when?” anecdote.
There’s so many wonderfully mundane memories waiting for you on the other side!
Your first solo grocery shop, your first trip to IKEA, your first night hosting friends. Your first time coming home at 2am to nothing more but the hum of your fridge.
All of that is waiting you for you on the other side… that AND the big life events. Go get them tiger.
The Bad:
The outside world is expensive as hell. Guys, I had no idea credit scores were a real thing. I thought other adults just lived like Sims, a bill here and there but nothing more intensive than that.
Wrong.
These weirdos have a whole economy out there! And money management is the difference between safety and danger.
My biggest fear was having to return back home, with a cowed head, due to a lack of money. I never got to that point but lemme warn you — I came very close to having to go back. Very, very close.
There were times I couldn’t afford the bus to work or even a Sprite. Not because I wasn’t earning well enough but because I was buying bullshit from Urban Outfitters and MAC for dopamine highs.
Your Urban haul won’t last 10 cycles in the washing machine but you know what will last? A credit score of, like, 7.
Brush up on those life skills.
The Ugly:
The outside world has quite a few characters like the ones you might be considering running away from. Not everyone has the best intentions for you.
In fact, a lifetime of having your boundaries stomped on by controlling parents sets you up beautifully for a lifetime of having your boundaries stomped by a controlling partner.
That’s how my dumb ass got into an abusive relationship between 2016 to 2018. :/
I got out by learning that no one can stand up for me but me. I thought I knew that lesson but guess what?
All it took was some flattery and attention for me to downplay my own gut instincts, and walk straight into a nightmare that lasted for years.
I’m glad that I learnt all the red flags but it was a life lesson that could have been avoided by having some decent adult guidance.
I’m almost 30 now so here’s my adult guidance for you guys:
Do your reading before you go and after you arrive.
Understand that, whether you’re 16 or 23, you are essentially a newborn once you step out that door. A newborn who needs to be reparented from the ground up. A newborn with adult responsibilities.
You’ll mess up here and there, but try to cushion your landings as much as you can by building up that resilience and being aware of your emotional, mental and financial blind spots.
You’ll be okay. 🤎 | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qb0nfe/op_f20_writes_as_shes_about_to_run_away_from_her/ | qb0nfe | 13,780 | 2,498 | [
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2021-10-19T05:34:21 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qb4w37/deleted_by_user/ | qb4w37 | 9 | 772 | [
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2021-10-19T09:29:28 | Exoctics Capuchin Monkeys lovers | Relationships | [removed] | ZiyedM | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qb7vwn/exoctics_capuchin_monkeys_lovers/ | qb7vwn | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-10-19T13:22:15 | OP is afraid of going to see their brother's theatre play because of old bullies | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q27qq9/wibta_if_i_didnt_go_support_my_brother_even/) by u/NoHistory6771
Throwaway account! It's more nuanced than it seems in the title I promise but that basically breaks this situation down.
I (20nb) have a brother (15m) and sister (17f) who is currently in high school. They go to the same HS I went to. When I was there, I was heavily involved in theatre, I did a lot of acting. The teachers knew me very well and liked me a lot and I worked hard in my time there so left a good impression after I'd gone. My brother this year decided to try it out and he got casted in their show which I am so proud of him. However, I don't know if I can see it.
After I graduated my sister and I went through some pretty traumatic events that were the fault of some friends from high school. Without disclosing too much, it ended up with them spreading a lot of horrible lies about us and bad things came out of it. We now can no longer frequent certain areas of our hometown in fear of running into them. It's been two years and it still hits pretty hard.
The issue is, some of these people are in theatre with my brother. He doesn't affiliate with them obviously, but they're still there. My sister sees them occasionally at school and they have treated her poorly and made her uncomfortable. I am not sure if I emotionally will be able to handle going to see my brother's show at the high school, knowing I full well will see some of those people and run into my teachers. Even though the events had nothing to do with school, any thought of seeing people from that era of my life makes me feel sick, like I've tied them to that bad time. I've gone to college and met new people, which is why I say they're from that "older era of our lives".
I feel awful. My brother has seen almost every single one of the shows I put on. And our mutual love of theatre brings us together. But the thought of going back to that high school makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to disclose too much but I'm not throwing around the words "traumatic event" lightly or using them as buzzwords. We really did go through a horrible time and I never want to see those people again at least not willingly. I think it would cause a lot of harm emotionally and backtrack a lot of the work I've done in therapy. I know my mom would support me in not wanting to go see the show. But I still feel bad like I'm letting my brother down. I think he'd say he'd understand but secretly be disappointed.
WIBTA if I don't go see his show?
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qan1ph/update_wibta_if_i_didnt_go_support_my_brother/)
Thanks to those who replied to me! I gave it some thought and ended up not speaking to my brother about my doubts of going to his show, gritted my teeth, and went to support. My mom was with me and upon my request, stayed by my side the entire night. We showed up right when the show started to avoid the pre-show milling about to speak to others and then left right away at the end.
Like a few had said in the previous comments it was more empowering to face an environment that previously brought me fear! I saw (from a distance) an individual I had been afraid to encounter and they ended up going out of my way to avoid me- so those of you who said so were right. I ended up being the bigger person and the least afraid when going and showing that those people had no control over me. I'm glad I was there to support my brother. | yuki_n_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbbfjt/op_is_afraid_of_going_to_see_their_brothers/ | qbbfjt | 3,584 | 749 | [
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2021-10-19T13:36:22 | My ex-fiancee is threatening to sue me for ownership of a ring that has been in my family for generations, saying that it "automatically goes to the man". Is this true? Alabama. | LegalAdvice | As penance for the horror I wrought upon you with my previous post, I bring you this story.
*This is a REPOST. I am not the original poster.*
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4dxkwh/my_exfiancee_is_threatening_to_sue_me_for/) by u/ringthrowaway1010
Mood spoiler: >!Happy!!<
&#x200B;
***My ex-fiancee is threatening to sue me for ownership of a ring that has been in my family for generations, saying that it "automatically goes to the man". Is this true? Alabama.***
I recently broke off an engagement, due to my ex being a cheating whore. The ring I wore during the engagement was an heirloom willed to me by my late grandmother. It is traditional in my family that this ring is passed to the eldest daughter, and my mother had been keeping it safe for me until I found “the one”. My ex knew this and asked for it when he asked for my mother’s permission to propose. She gave it to him, and he had possession of it for less than 24 hours before he proposed.
Now that we’ve broken up, he’s demanding that I give him the ring back. He’s insistent that Alabama law makes it illegal for me to keep the ring, that in the event that an engagement ends, the ring MUST be returned to the man, period. I looked into it, and all I can find is that the ring belongs to whomever paid for it. When I told him this, he told me that I don’t have any claim on the ring, since I didn’t purchase it, I was only willed it, and that the fact that it was willed to me is irrelevant, since my mother “gave” it to him.
He’s demanding that I return the ring and any information I have about the insurance policy on it (it’s extremely old and much more valuable than your average K Jewelers piece). He says that if I don’t return the ring by Monday, he’ll sue me for it or its value in court.
Can he seriously do this? This ring has been in my family since the 19th century. Does he really own it simply because a) he’s male or b) it sat in his pocket for less than a day? Would the fact that my mother was only storing it for me to keep it safe/maintain the surprise of an engagement matter? It wasn’t hers to give away.
Tl;dr: I was willed a family ring, and my ex used it to propose. Now he says he owns it because he's a man and the ring always goes to the man.
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Some of OP's comments which give further context to the story:
>He is, indeed, hopelessly stupid. He's still insisting that he didn't cheat on me, his was merely "opening \[his\] side of the relationship". The day before I left him he told me he wanted an open relationship, and I totally respect polyamory, but since I'm not polyamorous, I don't want an open relationship. He said that that was great news because he didn't want a "fully open" relationship, he wanted me to stay faithful to him but look the other way if he slept with someone else. I was flabberghasted that this educated, formerly apparently kind and normal man could be such a fucking moron. I told him if that was what he wanted we were done. He actually had the balls to say, "no, we're not. Love you babe, see you tomorrow!" When I got to his house the next day to get my things, he was fucking one of his co-workers. On the kitchen table I built him from scratch. And tried to tell me it was no big deal, since they'd actually been together for months and I'd been "happy the whole time".
>
>Sorry to unload on you. But the point is that yeah, you were right. I dodged an intercontinental ballistic missile sized bullet. I just wish he'd shown his assholery sooner, and I hadn't wasted two years of my life on someone so monumentally selfish and divorced from reality.
&#x200B;
>I did not. I briefly considered it, but I made that table out of wood salvaged from his childhood home when it burned down, and he's extremely attached to it, and I know he'll never get rid of it. So I hope that every time he sits down to eat at it, for the rest of his life, he remembers what an unfathomable trashvillain he was to me. Knowing that the table will instill him with a lifetime of guilt gives me significantly more satisfaction than the momentary enjoyment I would have gotten out of destroying the table.
>
>Plus, I may not be a professional carpenter, but I'm pretty good for a gal who does woodworking in her brother's basement. I made that thing fucking indestructible. No way I'd be going at it without at least my chainsaw. (Which silly me didn't think I'd need when I went to pick up my spare clothes from my WHORE of an ex.)
&#x200B;
[***Update to my ex-fiance attempting to claim my grandmother's wedding ring. No legal shenanigans, but there was cake.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4fd80m/update_to_my_exfiance_attempting_to_claim_my/)
I wanted to say thanks for all of the advice and support I got when I posted on here a while back. I was in a pretty shitty place, and I can't describe how awesome it was to have literally hundreds of people telling me what a pathetic douche-chill my ex is.
As my title suggests, I don't have a thrilling update for you. A lot of you warned me to be on the lookout for him trying to take back the ring himself, which my family and friends were also worried about. I'm very blessed to come from a large family, so on Monday afternoon a few of my male cousins/second cousins/concerned family friends (and their firearms) came to my apartment to "keep \[me\] company". My female cousins didn't want to be left out, so they came, too (several of them also toting firearms). Through a garbled family phone tree, one of my uncles completely misconstrued the purpose of the "family gathering at ringthrowaway1010's house", and arrived bearing a case of liquor and a massive Publix sheet cake. My grandfather eventually showed up with his banjo and some beautiful pictures of my grandmother wearing the ring in question.
As you can imagine, this turned into one of our better parties, and "ringthrowaway 1010's congratulations on not marrying an asshole party" will live on in family lore.
Since my original post I've gotten a lot of extremely nice messages and calls from my ex's family, all of whom are currently not speaking to him. (His brother called me the day after the Table Incident to ask what happened, and I told him the truth, which I can only assume was passed around.) His dad assured me that my ex won't be trying to sue me for the ring, and told me that if I ever hear from my ex again, I should call his dad and he will "bring the pain". He also sent me a gift card for several hundred dollars to Home Depot, in case I ever want to "make a better table for a better man". Hopefully, that will be the last thing about this breakup that makes me cry.
I also got an STI screening, which turned out negative. My gyno said that everything looked "perfect, absolutely pristine". So I may not be getting married in three months, but at least I have pristine genitalia.
Tl;dr: Family came to keep me safe in case ex came back for ring, devolved into raucous family party complete with cake and grandpa on banjo. Ex is experiencing full-on Amish shunning from his family, his dad bought me a gift card to HoDep for future carpentry endeavors. Not only am I STI-free, my vagina is "pristine".
&#x200B;
And one last comment that is the cherry on this update cake
>No, he surely is not. Obviously my ex can rot in whichever circle of hell is designated for whores (I want to say 2nd but wasn't the most enthusiastic Dante student), but his parents are awesome people, and it makes me sick that they're so torn up about how terribly their son acted. There were a lot of "where did I go wrong"s tossed around when they called me. **His dad was so mad he took the table back and told him he didn't deserve it.** | rainbow_drizzle | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbboem/my_exfiancee_is_threatening_to_sue_me_for/ | qbboem | 7,882 | 7,124 | [
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2021-10-19T13:51:06 | AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding? | AITA | *This is a* ***Repost***.
&#x200B;
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mryg8l/aita_for_not_inviting_my_sister_to_my_wedding/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by [u/\_probcrying](https://www.reddit.com/user/_probcrying)
&#x200B;
This might be a bit long. I (27F) have been with my husband (J) for over 10 years. We got married 6 years ago but only did it through court and we never had a wedding. We always said later but timing was not on our side. Well, it finally is! We decided to have our wedding ceremony and reception later this year and invite our closes family and friends.
We were doing our guest list and decided that my older sister would not be invited. She has been a toxic person in my life since I can remember. To name a few things:
* When I started dating J she used to tell him that he could do so much better than me.
* I’ve never been someone that wears a lot of makeup and J has always known this. She used to tell me that he was going to leave me because I didn’t “take care of myself”.
* I’ve suffered with an eating disorder and have done inpatient. She told J that I was “crazy” and shouldn’t be dealing with me and should just leave me.
* When I was at said inpatient, she tried to use me to get an excuse for her job so she wouldn’t have to do something she didn’t want to. All under the pretense of “helping” with our girls. This was my second day there, when I told her I couldn’t she called me selfish and “why couldn’t I do this for her” and didn’t reach out the two months I was in there.
And just so much more.
As the years have gone by J has stood up for me time and time again and doesn’t let her run over me (something I’ve had trouble with). She hates this. She mentioned one time that he shouldn’t get involved in family/sister matters.
We had a traumatic childhood so I felt like we just had to be close. I think it’s part of why I had such a hard time cutting her off. Anyways, last thanksgiving we got into a fight. J and I tried to have a civilized conversation and put all differences aside and move forward. Did not go well and she played victim at all times. J and I knew we tried. She brushed it under the rug and a few days later was back to normal.
After that, a month later J had to leave for 2 months for a training and I stayed alone with my two girls. She made all these promises of coming to visit us and keep us company and so did her husband (BIL) they ended up coming to our state and then kept making up excuses as to why they couldn’t come. She didn’t talk to me until she went back to the state she lives. I was annoyed bc they also promised my 6-year-old and then just left her hanging. After they went back she texted twice and I briefly answered once since I was annoyed and honestly didn’t want to get into a fight.
A week and a half after the texts, the girls and I got into a car accident. Car was totaled and it wasn’t pretty. Thankfully, the girls had minor injuries. She never reached out. Never cared. Mom and younger sister came to help and called her in FaceTime and she gave me an attitude. It was like something clicked and I was just done. She’s a negative and toxic person for me, blood related or not.
Obviously, I told my family she will not be invited (and they know everything) but they want me to be the bigger person because “she’s your sister no matter what” and “just be the bigger person again”. I’ve stood my ground but AITA?
&#x200B;
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qb9rnn/update_aita_for_not_inviting_my_sister_to_my/)
Hi everyone!
Here’s a link to my original post just in case: [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mryg8l/aita_for_not_inviting_my_sister_to_my_wedding/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
We had the wedding this weekend and it was everything we could’ve wished for and more. We were so happy to finally have this day and share it with our loved ones.
These past few months I’ve been in therapy to deal with just different things and obviously the topic of my family has come up. My sister and I actually had a talk about a month and a half ago. Just her and I. She apologized for a lot of things which she has NEVER done before so I appreciated that. We also realized that this was the first time we actually sat down to talk just her and I. No one else involved. My mom would usually want to be there and then meddle. Then send messages back and forward but it was never what me or my sister said. We realized my mom had a lot to do with our relationship and how it went.
She knew some of her actions were toxic and that’s when she apologized about it and we had a genuine talk about it. It was nice. Afterwards, we talked at least weekly and you could feel the difference now that we had talked about everything.
She ended up coming to the wedding and there was no drama at all (except the cake but can’t be a wedding without a mishap!). We really had the best time and everyone got along perfectly.
Thank you for all the support on the previous post! Didn’t forget about the Reddit fam and just wanted to updated you guys! | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbbxtj/aita_for_not_inviting_my_sister_to_my_wedding/ | qbbxtj | 5,192 | 713 | [
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2021-10-19T14:52:45 | Why are piles of beans appearing around my girlfriend's parents house? | homeowners | This is a repost. I am not the original author.
The original author is [u/xaine](https://www.reddit.com/user/xaine/) and has been reposted with permission from u/xaine. The original post appeared in r/homeowners about a year ago.
**Why are piles of beans appearing around my girlfriend's parents house?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/iesmk0/why\_are\_piles\_of\_beans\_appearing\_around\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/iesmk0/why_are_piles_of_beans_appearing_around_my/)
This is not a troll post.
My girlfriend's mom and stepdad live in Palm Springs California, near the desert. They're staying at a temporary house while the sale and partial renovation of there new house is happening.
Lately, my girlfriend's mom has been finding small piles of dried red beans in various hidden places. Under the bed, in a bucket in a closet, in the bathroom, usually dark and hidden places.
This morning, my girlfriend's mom was taking her hair out of a bun and a few beans fell into the sink.
They are definitely beans, they're not poop, everyone I've told this to assumes poop, but I've seen pictures and they are clearly beans. They don't have any of these beans in the house, and it's unclear where they are coming from.
Does anyone have any idea what would cause this? I've tried googling it, but all I get is recipes for beans.
tl;dr there are small piles of beans appearing randomly in a house with no explanation.
edit: I forgot to add they don't have any dried red beans in the house.
edit: pictures of the beans [https://imgur.com/a/cFMi0cT](https://imgur.com/a/cFMi0cT)
&#x200B;
**UPDATE: Why are piles of beans appearing around my girlfriend's parents house?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/imijxe/update\_why\_are\_piles\_of\_beans\_appearing\_around\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/imijxe/update_why_are_piles_of_beans_appearing_around_my/)
ORIGINAL POST: [https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/iesmk0/why\_are\_piles\_of\_beans\_appearing\_around\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/homeowners/comments/iesmk0/why_are_piles_of_beans_appearing_around_my/)
Sorry for the delay!
So after talking with my girlfriends mom and step dad, they think they've found the culprit.
They found a bag of beans deep in a closet with a few holes in it. They called an exterminator and found out it was likely a Pack Rat, credit to Panik66 for correctly identifying it!
The last I heard, they successfully captured one, but didn't send over any pictures of one.
Texts between my gf and her mom: [https://imgur.com/JEghgiz](https://imgur.com/JEghgiz) | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbd56r/why_are_piles_of_beans_appearing_around_my/ | qbd56r | 2,649 | 913 | [
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2021-10-19T17:03:11 | Am AskAManager reader wrote in back in 2014 to share a bizarre/dysfunctional interview experience. The 2021 update reveals the identity of the company, and suddenly everything makes a lot more sense. | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *I am not the OP of this post. This post has been copied and pasted into this subreddit for the purposes of curating the best Reddit updates in one subreddit. In this case, the post and update appeared on the AskAManager blog, not on Reddit. You can find the link to the OP below.*
Mood spoiler: >!No particular emotional tone one way or the other, but the update is generally juicy/interesting for people following the Elizabeth Holmes trial.!<
[Original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/when-the-red-flags-are-even-more-ominous-than-you-know.html)
After following your cover letter and resume advice, I landed an interview for a position I would love to have. It is similar to my current work but would allow me to be more proactive and have greater ownership over the work.
My issue is with the prospective company’s hiring practices. I would like to question them in the interview to gain some insight in their company culture and structure, but I don’t want to come across as overly critical. After two in-person interviews, one phone interview and one skype interview, the company is flying me out to their headquarters in California to interview with an unnamed “panel” (the actual job is in Arizona.) The scheduler keeps moving my interview date every few days and it’s been pushed back 6 times now, including 3 plane tickets. I’m also concerned that they don’t trust their Arizona team with this hire, when it seems from the conversations I’ve had, I would have little interaction with the California team. How do I approach the question of the constant rescheduling and the trust issues? Or do you think that both are non-issues?
---
**UPDATE**
I noticed a question I submitted back in 2014 about some warning signs from an interview process I was embedded with at the time — and it was for a position at THERANOS! It was the craziest, most disorganized, lengthy hiring process I’ve ever experienced. I’m really thankful I didn’t pass the final interview.
I had completely forgotten that I reached out for advice, and reading it over now with SO much hindsight, I should have said “no thank you” based on their constant rescheduling! It was an incredibly stressful process because I would schedule a day off from work to fly to California, and then have to reach back out to my supervisor and change the request- six times. A total red flag for my current job, but they didn’t seem to notice. At the time, Theranos had JUST emerged to the national scene and were in Walgreens test stores in Arizona, with a full board of directors including several high-profile military leaders, so I thought it would be a good opportunity and there was only glowing, credible press about their mission and future. They provided a voucher to go through the nanotainer collection process at a local Walgreens, but I didn’t have a chance — and I’m glad now since it’s been revealed that false positives were abundant in their testing.
On the interview day, I flew to Palo Alto into the last step of a three-month process (my fifth interview), and they had this weird stipulation that if you took a taxi, you wouldn’t be reimbursed for travel, only if you took public transportation or rental car/shuttle service — but with the timing of landing to interview time (they determined both), there was no time for any of the reimbursable options. The building was super secure and I had to wait in a stark lobby behind multiple security doors for at least an hour, but that was actually the fun part of the day, chatting about the Chicago Bulls with the security guards. When someone finally arrived, I was led to a smaller lobby, where, after another half hour (now 1.5 hours later than originally scheduled), I had an extremely abrupt, short, cold interview with one person from HR. We didn’t vibe at all, so I wasn’t shocked that I didn’t get the job, but I WAS surprised that after all of the effort on both of our sides, I received a generic email form letter signed “Kind Regards, Theranos Human Resources.”
Another part of the interview process that I’ll never forget was the Skype interview with Sunny Balwani. He looked absolutely miserable, stressed, and rushed. Like he had been sleeping at his desk for weeks and was just absolutely hating that he had to talk with me. I’ve heard in the meantime that Elizabeth Holmes’ defense was going to portray him as a conniving Svengali, which didn’t match at all what I saw back then!
My lesson learned from this experience was that red flags are called red for a reason, and I just kept ignoring them. Rescheduling an out-of-state interview six times to meet with one person should have clued me in that this would not be a great place to work! I think we all make excuses because we’re so wrapped up in the process and start imagining ourselves out of our current situation without detecting dysfunction in the future opportunity. I’m glad I was spared that job, because a year and a half later, the Wall Street Journal started exposing the company, ultimately leading to them liquidating. But boy, that year and a half would be full of stories I’d never forget, probably!!
I want to just give 2014 me a hug that she was trying SO HARD to impress people at this incredibly dysfunctional, toxic workplace.
But three companies later, I am happy and well-adjusted. Thanks again for all your great advice over the years! | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbfure/am_askamanager_reader_wrote_in_back_in_2014_to/ | qbfure | 5,385 | 1,346 | [
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2021-10-19T17:51:32 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbgvid/deleted_by_user/ | qbgvid | 9 | 143 | [
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2021-10-20T02:07:08 | Ghosting him after he made me cum | dating | ***repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/q9zdwr/how_would_you_react/) by u/lovelornlostese***
&nbsp;
Long story short, I (22F)went out with a really nice guy I’ve known for about a year who’s a colleague/classmate. The dinner date was good, and afterwards he walked me to my car and suddenly just Started kissing me against it. The Making out was a lot more intense than I thought it would’ve been but it was good. Only.. Then he like sort of bent his leg, I guess to give me some leverage bcz I’m a lot shorter, so that my back was pressed up against the car with his thigh was in between my legs a little and pressing me backwards. I don’t know wtf is wrong with me but I really liked that.
He could tell I really liked it so kept bouncing his leg up against me. It was like nice, i was happy, he was happy all good. But then out of no where, I literally fucking cum. Like wtf. In public. Fully clothed. On his fucking leg. In the middle of the street ( seriously thank god it was late and dark & no one was there)The stupidest, most embarrassing thing that Could’ve possibly happened.
I don’t even know how he reacted bcz I couldn’t look him in the face, I wanted to die. I just left. I don’t know what to do, I’m mortified. He texted Afterwards saying he had a nice dinner and hopes I made it home ok and I haven’t Responded.I have class with him later the week and I’m seriously thinking about switching sections. He did nothing wrong, ofc but I want to die of embarrassment. What do you even say “hey sorry for coming on your leg like a fucking poodle the other night, let’s grab drinks.”
[*edited kidding to kissing*]
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/qb0f40/update_im_ghosting_him_after_he_made_me_cum/)
Hi guys thank you so much for helping me yesterday. I know a lot of people wanted an update so here it is. (I (22F) Don’t know how to link the original post but the tldr is I went on a first date with a longtime classmate and accidentally had an inappropriate semipublic O while we were making out after dinner. I was mortified, and considered switching classes to avoid him)
Update; basically this is our midterm week, and he double texted me before I could text him to complain about the workload and everything ( so unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to hit him with the “sorry for coming on your leg like a fuckin poodle the other night. Do you want to get drinks” line) and he basically invited me over to study. I said yes and sorry for not responding for the past couple of days, that I’ve just been really busy. I was still really, really, nervous to see him in person but since posting on here that visceral shame and embarrassment definitely died down.
When i got to his apartment , I immediately got it out of the way and just said “I’m sorry if I made things weird the other night” To which kind of played with me and just laughed and ironically said “oh? The other night, what happened the other night? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Then he literally just asked me f I wanted a glass of wine and moved on. Like that was it. I’d been freaking petrified that he’d think I was weird or it would fuck everything up and he literally moved past it in a second. That’s when I realized guys were right!! He didn’t care, it wasn’t an issue. At all! After that we just studied all morning and he didn’t bring it up again. Bonus note: we ended up sleeping together, not sexually just falling asleep in his bed after lunch and he didn’t try anything at all, which made me feel even better bcz I was worried that the whole 1st date public orgasm would make him view me as easy.
Edit for clarification: I’m not ghosting him, I was planning on just avoiding him before I made my original post but you guys convinced me to get over being embarrassed. I just spent the whole day at his apartment, he’s very much not currently ghosted. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qbqkmp/ghosting_him_after_he_made_me_cum/ | qbqkmp | 3,937 | 1,070 | [
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2021-10-20T13:27:48 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc0vaf/deleted_by_user/ | qc0vaf | 9 | 33 | [
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2021-10-20T13:40:51 | OP's [F25] BF [M24] forces her to use pacifiers and to smoke during sex | Relationships | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
[TW:(sexual coercion, suicidal thoughts)]
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2t6axc/my_boyfriend_24_m_of_4_years_wants_me_25_f_to_do/) by u/Throwaway573498:*
Hi,
Long time redditor but I’m using a throwaway account for this one, can’t risk him finding my post, I don’t want to upset him.
I’ll get straight into this, I’ve been with Jake (not his real name) for about 4 years now and we just bought a house together before Christmas. I always knew he had some weird fetishes and I was happy to indulge him every so often, However, since we got our place it’s been everyday he’s been pestering me for it and I didn’t want it to be every time, just a very occasional treat.
According to Jake he has a number of fetishes, however his top two are when I smoke and he likes it when I suck on a pacifier/dummy/binky.
Now, I’ll tackle these in order, I’m not a smoker, never have been. He told me about 2 years ago that he was into it and wanted me to try it out as a one off. I wasn’t too happy about it but I thought I’d give it a go when we were out, so I waited about 2 weeks and then surprised him with it on a night out in the city. The reaction was amazing, he was all over me, I felt amazing.
However, as time went on he wanted it more and more, and I just wasn’t prepared to do it all the time so I stopped doing it completely. He was really depressed for a while and I felt bad cause I knew it was me that had upset him.
After a while I said to him one day, “is there anything I can do instead that would turn you on” to which he replied “it would be kinda cool if you could suck a pacifier/dummy/binky”
I was like :o having all sorts of thoughts about it being wrong and maybe it meant he liked kids?!?! But after a quick search of the internet I found its definitely a thing and its often related to an ‘Oral Fixation’ fetish, which may also explain why he likes me smoking. So I continue to indulge him with this to this day, but everytime we have sex he always asks me to grab a cigarette, which I never do.
My question is, is this normal? What can I do about it if not? I just want to stop him asking for me to smoke or suck something
Help would be appreciated.
**update** -- thanks for all the feedback :) I've read all your comments :) I've spoke to him and said I'm not comfortable with smoking but I'm willing to try anything else. He said he needed space to think and he's gone out now...
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2te5tq/update_my_boyfriend_24_m_of_4_years_wants_me_25_f/):*
Hey,
Some of you may have seen my thread the other day.
I’m just updating to say, I spoke to my boyfriend and told him I really didn’t want to smoke for him, but I was up for using the pacifier/dummy more.
He wasn’t very happy and went out for a bit to “clear his head”. Anyway, he came back and told me that he was obviously upset about it, but he did understand, however he asked if we could come to a compromise.
So what we’ve decided (and thinking about it again maybe I was being a bit too precious about the whole situation) is that I will smoke for him one night a week at the weekend. He likes chain smoking but I said no more than 5 a night. He seems happy with this.
I’ve also agreed to use the pacifier/dummy a lot more (I actually really like it) and going forward I’m pretty much using that every day now! Which he loves, but isn’t everyone’s cup of tea I suppose.
Anyway, do you think I’ve done the right thing? I couldn’t lose him, I just wanted to make him happy
I’ll be happy to hear any advice and answer any questions.
**UPDATE** So i dont have to keep repeating myself in the comments, im dumping him tonight. I'm not gonna give him the chance to weasel out of it. I've been manipulated and deserve better.
**UPDATE 2** I've replied to all comments since 11am this morning. I'm getting off now to go home and pack my bags. Thanks everyone :D i'll let you know how it goes. This is going to be hard :(
*[Relevant comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2te5tq/update_my_boyfriend_24_m_of_4_years_wants_me_25_f/cnyb3qn/):*
Agreed! my only concern, and its not much of one, is that i already mentioned i suck my thumb. Most guys do not like that, i need to find a way to get rid of that affliction aswell
I have tried almost everything, my mum tried too when i was younger.
My mums always put it down to a comfort thing. My dad died when i was 6 and i started doing it then. Nobody stopped me cause they just thought i had enough on my plate and it was my way of coping.
I am really struggling to stop though and for the past 4 years he liked me doing it so i didnt try to stop.
*[Relevant comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2te5tq/update_my_boyfriend_24_m_of_4_years_wants_me_25_f/cnybl41/):*
Its hard to think about all the things he's done, ill try and list a few:
Trys to make me suck a dummy/pacifier in public
Dictates what i can wear when we go out
Doesn't let me have friends round unless its a "deal" as he puts it, where if he lets my friends come round i have to do something for him.
Constantly makes me feel like im the ugliest person in the world by making reference to my weight. When i only way 9stone / 126 lbs
Will go in a mood with me if i dont do what he wants
i could go on, but ive got lots to reply to. I hope you get the picture
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2tpj7m/update_2_my_boyfriend_24_m_of_4_years_wants_me_25/):*
Hey Everyone,
First of all I’d like to start by saying, it’s really amazing how many of you took the time to offer your opinions/advice in my two other threads this past week. The whole thing has been a real eye opener for me and I just look back and wonder what the hell I was doing with him!
So Thank You Everyone :)
Now onto the update.
After I finished work on Friday, I went to mine and my boyfriend’s place to pack my bags, I rang my mum on the way down there to let her know what I was planning to do. She offered to come and help me move some of my stuff and put it in the car to take home.
So I got to our place (I must admit I was dreading this bit) and started to chuck all my clothes into my suitcases, I really wasn’t bothered about folding them, I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I picked up a bunch of stuff I thought I would need, phone charger, bathroom stuff, but largely just left most of the big stuff there. I wasn’t interested in taking it, plus I wouldn’t be able to fit it in my mums car and seeing as though I’m living with them for the time being I would have nowhere to put it anyway.
My mum got there soon after I finished putting my clothes into the suitcase and helped me put the stuff in the car and we set off for home.
The journey home only takes about half an hour but in that time I have to admit I was wondering whether or not I made the right decision, like, I still love him but at the same time I hate him for the way he makes me feel and especially the smoking thing, but to tell the truth that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, it was a culmination of controlling behaviours that made me leave… Regardless, I still felt really gutted. So I sat there in the car on the way home, sobbing and sucking my thumb -.- look away guys…
I took the decision not to text him, so he had no idea that when he got back from football I wouldn’t be there, call it cowardly, but I just didn’t want to give him the chance to worm his way out of it. I was expecting a call / text soon though, I rarely go out by myself, he would know something was up.
However, a text didn’t come…
Hours went by, I knew he’d be home at around 8ish, it was midnight now and still nothing. Did he even care that I’d left??!
Anyway I tried my best to ignore my phone and get some sleep (didn’t really work) but yeah. I’ll fast forward to the next morning.
So 10am next morning I went down for some breakfast, still nothing on my phone, maybe it was for the best, but I can’t lie I was a bit gutted he seemingly didn’t care that I was gone. I sat there and finished my breakfast and talked to my mum about what went on and why I decided to leave etc. My mum also commented that I seemed to be using my comforts (thumb and pacifier/dummy) a lot more since I’d been back, not sure whether this was cause I was upset or if I’d just gotten more used to them since I lived with him?? However that was the least of my problems
About 12pm I was in the shower and I heard my phone ringing! I ran out of the shower to see that HE was calling me. This is what I’d been waiting for right? For some reason I just couldn’t muster up the courage to answer. I let it ring out…
I dried myself off then heard my text alert go off, obviously it was from him, it read: “just tried to call you. Sorry I didn’t come home last night, I had a bit too much to drink and wasn’t in a good state to drive so I stayed at Jack’s (not his real name)”
Again I didn’t reply, dunno why, I just didn’t know what to say.
Few minutes later, another text, this one read “I know you’re probably mad at me, I just want to know you’re okay, I miss you :) x”
This time I replied, keep it short and sweet, “I’m not mad at you about that, I have moved out, I don’t think it’s working, I’m sorry”
Then my phone blew up!
Again, I couldn’t face it, I switched off my phone and tried to get on with doing other things. I was easy to do, I actually had a good Saturday night, watched some trashy TV and had Chinese food :)
Sunday came, then the guilt hit me… I’d ruined this guys life, I just left with no real explaination… I wouldn’t have liked someone to do that to me, and plus I figure I owed it to the next person he’d get into a relationship with! He needed to know his faults so he could at least try and live his life better in the future. So I texted him and asked him to meet me at Starbucks (neutral territory) so I could talk to him about it.
I went to go and get ready, don’t know why I was putting make-up on, I didn’t want to look nice for him. I was starting to get butterflies now though, really really nervous.
Made my way down to the city centre to Starbucks, the closer I got the more nervous I got! I was gonna leave the next bit out, but seeing as though I’m trying to open up here I should probably mention it…
As I was getting closer, I was thinking, I need something to calm my nerves… I was thinking about the pacifier/dummy in my bag, or my thumb, but I didn’t want to be doing it in public, and I most definitely didn’t want to do it in front of him! So regrettably, I popped into the shop on the way there and got a pack of cigarettes… I thought, I’ll just have one to calm my nerves. (Please don’t hate me, I hate myself enough, don’t know why I did it, I was just so nervous)
Well I had one then walked to starbucks, we were meeting at 2pm, however there was no sign of him. Got a text saying he’d be about 20 mins late, so (regrettably) I went outside and had another cigarette, and then another one…
Went back inside, ordered a Moccachino, and waited for him to get there.
He showed up, looking like he hadn’t slept all night, which oddly made me feel kind of good, just knowing that I could hurt him a little.
For the next part (as it was the conversation I’m going to just try and write it out from memory as best I can).
Him: Look before we start talking I just want to say how sorry I am about everything
Me: I’m glad you’ve apologised but I just want you to know that you can’t change my mind I just want to be fair and let you know why I’m leaving.
Him: Well can I just say that I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was drunk and I didn’t really know what I was doing
Me: What?
Him: She meant nothing to me, I don’t even know what I was thinking
Me: You cheated on Me?
Him: You didn’t know?
Me: …
Him: I thought that was why you left?
Me: No?! I don’t even care that you cheated on me, it only validates my decision. I Left you because you’re a controlling, manipulative liar
The conversation then goes on for ages, and is basically just me telling him about all the stuff he made me do that I didn’t want to do… Basically all the stuff in the first 2 reddit posts.
Him: I know I’ve been a real bastard, but I want you to know that I can change. I’m not asking you to stay around, but I’m asking if you’ll give me the chance to show you that this is my wake-up call and I’ll spend the rest the rest of my life making it up to you
Me: I appreciate that you’re being mature about it but im not sure I want to be with you
Him: I respect your decision, but just so you know, I won’t give up on you.
With that he got up and left?! I mean, what the hell!
So I went home, smoked about 5 more cigarettes that night, which im regretting so much now! But when I got home I was fine cause I had my pacifier/dummy so didn’t touch any more cigarettes.
And then I went to bed. Now I’m sat here at work writing this update. Not sure what to make of it, he hasn’t text me since. Which I’m happy about. I just want to move on, but he left it in a bit of an awkward place?! I don’t want to speak to him again.
Anyway reddit, that’s the update, sorry its so long… Rest assured if anything else happens I’ll be sure to let you know.
Thanks for reading :)
*Last [submission](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/2trpvj/relationship_messed_me_up_broke_it_off_now_im/) on r/suicidewatch:*
Hi All,
A bit of background for you, I’m Julie, I’m a 25 year old woman from England. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, I was helped by the amazing people on /r/relationships. I posted 3 threads on there but they’re quite long, I’ll summarise here.
Right to the issue, I was feeling more and more like I wasn’t happy with the way my life was going. I went on reddit to ask advice as my boyfriend was trying to convince me to smoke to turn him on in the bedroom, I went along with it for a bit but he always wanted more and more, I didn’t want to become a smoker.
Anyway, I came to the conclusion I was in an abusive relationship and left him on Friday evening last week.
Now I’m not upset that we broke up I’m more upset about the next part. Ever since my dad died when I was little I sucked my thumb as a coping mechanism, when I got older nobody ever stopped me cause they knew it was my way of coping. I’m now in the situation where I literally cannot stop, I tried therapy when I was younger and it didn’t work, which just made me feel guilty as it has cost my mum a lot of money.
Over the years I tried to stop myself, but when I got into the relationship with my ex he thought it was cute, there was no incentive to stop. So I carried on, and over time he said it would turn him on if I replaced my thumb with a pacifier/dummy. He was obsessed with it, so I did it all the time (mainly to get out of smoking)…
Now I find myself, at 25 years of age, with a thumb sucking and a pacifier/dummy sucking habit. I literally always have it in my bag, I don’t do it in public but if I get stressed or anything I’ll nip to the toilets and use it for a few minutes.
I feel like a complete FREAK!
To top it all off, I went to go and meet him at the weekend to tell him why I left him. On the way there I got so stressed I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked half the pack!
I don’t want to be a smoker but now I fear im addicted to them :( my mum would be so disgusted with me.
To sum it up, I’ve got nothing going for me, I don’t know what to do. Got a bunch of hate for my previous thread on /r/relationships like really horrible pm's
and im just sat here back at my mums house and im started to have really messed up thoughts, never had this before and im scared...
Any advice? | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc153s/ops_f25_bf_m24_forces_her_to_use_pacifiers_and_to/ | qc153s | 15,808 | 661 | [
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2021-10-20T14:23:39 | AITA i (38 m) for telling my fiancee ( f 27)her wedding dress choice is way too extravagant and suggesting alternatives? | AITA | Nothing gross here! Except his behavior; that's gross.
&#x200B;
*This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!*
ORIGINAL by u/josh8449
Mood: >!owned!<
&#x200B;
[***AITA i (38 m) for telling my fiancee ( f 27)her wedding dress choice is way too extravagant and suggesting alternatives?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eoley4/aita_i_38_m_for_telling_my_fiancee_f_27her/)
sorry on mobile and throwaway as she's a redditor
We are getting married in july of this year,the venue is booked and the wedding is pretty much sorted.
Emma has been researching dresses and has a little scrap book of lots of dresses she likes for idea's but is now looking to buy.
All that's left to get is the bridesmaid dresses and her wedding dress.
We jointly put aside 10 k each for the wedding, everything is paid and we have 6 k left over which i think could go towards the honeymoon on top of the honeymoon fund we already had.
We aren't the extravagant type at all, then comes the time for emma to pick her dress. I know everything is more expensive when it has the term wedding attatched to it what i wasn't expecting was an $950 dress plus $120 veil!
I'm using my dad's old tux he used for his wedding to my mom,just had it taken in a little, Emma can't use her mum's dress as her and her mum both say the style hasn't aged well wich is fair.
I had a quick google around at dresses online and there were so many! and so many just like the one emma wants for like $50 to $100.
I'm not trying to get her to cheap out on her dress but she will literally wear it once, one dress for over $1000 is just insane that would fund our honeymoon .
I tried to show her some dresses i found on a reccomended app called wish and others on website's but she was having none of it.
She is very slender but apparantly wants it specially fitted?
It turned nasty unfortunately because i said i refuse to drop such a large amount of money on a dress and she argued that she is using her own money for the dress.
Wich isn't strictly true as we ate about to marry and our finances will be joined.
Then her mom had to get involved, they offered to pay for the dress but it's not a case of not being able to afford it.
It's a dress! there are identical one's online at a fraction of the cost.
I thought she would be ecstatic to learn there are identical dresses for a fraction of the cost but she was really angry and upset.
AITA here? is there something i am seriously missing because after we argued about the dress emma has been Extremely cold towards me.
Then yestersay she said if i want her to cheap out on her wedding dress on her wedding day that she needs to really consider if we are a good match for marriage.
Im blown away that she would say that over a dress, i told her she's like a toddler throwing a tantrum over a sparkly toy she can't have, that was a mistake as she left to stay with her parent's, who called to tell me i am much more than an asshole.
AITA here?
TL;DR fiancee can get similar dress for around $100 with shipping online but wants to blow over $1000 at a local wedding dress boutique aita for saying to get a cheaper one online?
EDIT: Emma found this thread, it was a mistake to post here and im sorry i posted our problems on reddit, iata
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Not only did Emma *find* the thread but she posted her [own](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/ep4h1n/me_23f_with_my_fiancee43_m_of_1_and_a_half_years/)
>i will change the name despitehis inability to do the same i don't really care if he sees this but he isn't subbed to relationships
>
>i literally don't know where to start, my fiancee we'll call greg . i dont know what came over him, its completely insane, we are getting married in summer, the argument started over my wedding dress.
>
>i picked a very simple and traditional gown that was already discounted as it is an ex sample gown.
>
>my absolute idiot of a fiancee decided to post to a subreddit asking for opinions or more likely validation on whether i was being unreasonable.
>
>my dress is under 1000 dollars but will come to around 1500 with alterations.
>
>we have over 7 thousand left over in our budget, that's another thing that seriously upset me that he lied in his post multiple times, i make a mich higher salary than him so we agreed he woukd pit 5 k towards the wedding and i put in the rest but why lie? why ask opinions if you've skewed the details.
>
>i had absolutely no problem with this as he makes just above the minimum wage.
>
>the thread got way too much attention, i had already gone to my parents because i was angry about him calling me immature and shouting about me being spoilt.
>
>i also happened to find the thread shortly after he made it because not only did he use my real name his throwaway was his real name followed by his alarm pin!
>
>he sent me a text saying that he wasn't the asshole in this situation and i just KNEW he would post it on reddit, it's not the first time he's posted on reddit about stuff.
>
>but nothing of this magnitude, anyway i don't know what to do, there are people online now claiming to be me and its been shared on twitter and Facebook and I'm just utterly mortified.
>
>he got utterly hammared last night and called my parents, my dad had to hang up on him because he was screaming down the phone and my mom was disgusted.
>
>i cant get my money back on the venue or anything, i recently started antidepressants because I've been feeling low but now i just feel empty.
>
>this whole thing was about the cost of my dress and he suggested i use the wish app to get an identical gown, first he refused to listen to me that wish is garbage but he also argued it to the death in the comments!
>
>i read every single comment in that thread and it was like being punched in the gut, i can't get over the odd lies either, he gave out my real name and his but lied about the age gap and budget.
>
>i am 23 he is 43 admittedly he looks much much younger and for the first few weeks dating i thought he was in his early thirties. we also have only been together a year not 2 years i think he said, and im starting to think this was all too fast.
>
>i need help, i need advice, i know im quite possibly pot calling the kettle by posting to reddit but i post here alot usually anyway and all the fake accounts claiming be me might throw him off anyway.
>
>i might be slow replying as i start work in an hour thanks all x
>
>tl;dr fiancee posted to reddit to get opinions on the price of my wedding dress but used my real name and it all blew up, bow people are creating fake accounts pretending to be me and he has devolved to calling me names and getting drunk and calling my family, he also lied about alot of details in the post, how do i handle this calmly ?
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Our OOP finds it and begs Emma to call
>Please call me it's urgent i know you are on reddit right now.
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SpongeBob Narrator: One Year Later.
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[***Struggling to get back in to the dating scene since my fiancee left me unexpectedly***](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/gcq6zv/struggling_to_get_back_in_to_the_dating_scene/)
A few months back I was going to be married, and long story short things were called off.
She wanted to end things, I didn't. And I feel like I've lost all of my trust in woman I dont want to feel like this anymore.
I was dating someone called isabelle up until last week shes really amazing and kind but the second she heard about my ex and the fiasco that surrounded it she ghosted me.
And its become a pattern, at some point no matter how close were getting they hear about it from a friend it comes up somehow and they bail.
I just want to know how to behave, or what I can do to make things work? My last gf kacey, when she broke up with me she said the issue what that I hadn't chanced from who I was when my fiancee left me but I have!
I hardly drink at all now, my job is steady and I'm a good guy, but I think the issue is that I'm suffering from small town syndrome.
Everyone knows everyone here back asswards little town it is.
Please please give me advice on putting this behind me I am honestly desperate.
My life was about to move towards a phase and now I'm stuck in limbo, I need a girl to fill that place so I can move forward with my life.
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*This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!* | rainbow_drizzle | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc20kb/aita_i_38_m_for_telling_my_fiancee_f_27her/ | qc20kb | 8,730 | 2,215 | [
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2021-10-20T18:11:01 | He flipped on me, left me alone in the woods, and is now trying to apologize. | TwoXChromosomes | *This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!*
Original post by /u/berthejew:
****
***[He flipped on me, left me alone in the woods, and is now trying to apologize.](https://np.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/q1v96d)***
Long long story as short as I can make it:
We went camping. It has been a long since I could. I was so excited. Had everything packed- even meal prepped food for dinner so it was easy to warm up if we had a few too many. Well.... he did. And it got ugly.
I fell asleep in my hammock around 3. We had a plan- make dinner at 5, then go get more wood bc we were almost out. When I laid down he said he was going to forage for dead wood. Great.
I wake up at 5 and there's this HUUUGE fire he built. All proud with a puffed up chest he's like, "see all I gathered?" I look at the ground and there's nothing. I ask if everything on the fire is what he found and he says yes. Wtf? I tell him I can't put a grate over that (3 feet high with logs that hang over the side with 12 foot flames) and he LOSES IT.
Decides to leave, angry. Only thing I said was "who does this?!" as he's busy tearing up the tent to get his shit. He dumps the one cooler he owned onto the ground and straight up LEFT ME THERE. No car, no light (he took them out of malicious intent) and my phone was dead on a non electric site. It was getting dark so I had to scurry and get the food I could fit into my cooler before the animals came out. Jar of pickles shattered. Put the dry food (bread, chips, etc) into my tent. Dark came quickly.
I was surrounded until dawn by a dozen raccoons and they weren't playing. Standing on their back legs, hissing at me, lunging for my feet. I ended up back to a tree fighting those fuckers all night with a stick on fire. There are bears in those woods and that's my biggest phobia. I was terrified. Crying and panicking, I heard a growl in the woods. I just stood there frozen, I was so damn scared ya'll.
This son of a cunt tried to show up at 7am the next day telling me, "if you apologize for the mean way you treated me I'll take you home. " BITCH NOW THAT THE DAY BROKE YOU WANNA HELP?! I told that bastard to kick rocks and waited for my mom to come around noon. I left the site with 2 days paid still on it. Wasnt going to fight those fucks again. And fuck that bear I heard.
I have completely cut contact with him but he owes me money. I do have a bunch of his expensive disc golf bullshit that he left here- which he's not getting until he pays me back. Petty or not, I spent like 600 bucks on everything to do with this trip and he paid zero bc he lost his job. I was just trying to do something nice for him bc I badly wanted to go. Instead I get left in the dark with no communication device, no light, and have to fight off wild animals. No asshole, you can't come sweeping in and fix it. This will never be fixable.
Sorry for the rant but I didn't know where else to post this. fuck that dude.
Edit: I've called the police on him and his officer.
Edit 2: got a rabies shot just a few hours ago. I seem to be just fine. Thank you so for the awards, I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of the replies, but im trying to get to everyone and I sincerely appreciate all of your kind words. Thank you to everyone!
****
***[Update: dude who left me in the woods in now in jail](https://np.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/qc334v)***
His probation officer somehow found my post. I gave her proof, and she went and picked him up. He has 5 charges: 1: not staying at his confirmed housing 2: under the influence 3: assault and battery 4: assault with a deadly weapon 5: endangering the welfare of a disabled person
I have rheumatoid arthritis and I suffer from seizures due to a brain tumor.
So yeah he's fucked. And I'm happy over this. He deserves to spend his time in jail. Please check my profile if you don't know the story.
SUCCESS!!
Edit: sorry for title gore
****
*This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!* | MultiFazed | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc73ti/he_flipped_on_me_left_me_alone_in_the_woods_and/ | qc73ti | 4,046 | 1,031 | [
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2021-10-20T18:37:19 | OPP and Karen: A Love Story | ProRevenge | [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/fxands/me_and_karen_a_love_story/) by u/Uniqueusername504 in r/ProRevenge 2 years ago. Updates in the post itself. Post goes from absolutely bonkers to did it really end this way?
Just kidding. Karen is a total bitch, but buckle up because here is my novel.
My husband and I are in our late 30s and childfree. Some people on childfree said I should post here too, so enjoy the saga.
My husband and I had been saving up for almost a decade to move to a tropical paradise. About two years ago, we bit the bullet and moved to our dream location! Housing here is SUPER expensive (like Hawaii prices), so all we could afford was half of a duplex. It is beautiful and on the water with places for our boat. Unfortunately, Karen, BillyBob (the boyfriend), and her three gremlins live in the other unit.
Setup:
There is some period of time we just went for a week here and there, but we live here fulltime now. The entire duplex was owned by an older gentlemen who rented out both sides. The sides do not match at all. One side is a 5-bedroom, 3 bath. The other side of the duplex is a 2-bedroom, 1 bath. We bought the 5-bedroom. On our side of the property, we have 90% of the backyard, a gazebo, and dockage (about 150' since it is on a corner). The other side has a small backyard, patio, and maybe 15' of dockage.
The rental leases say the renters are entitled to their specific backyards, but the were no fences or anything, so all the renters shared the entire backyard. After we bought the house, Karen immediately tried to throw her weight around that they expected to continue with that privilege.I told her if she asked politely, we would try to accommodate her. She thought this meant she could use our backyard whenever she wanted.
Party Incident:
One day my husband and I are enjoying some drinks outside when a delivery truck shows to setup a giant blowup thing in our backyard. I asked Karen wtf she thought she was doing and she said it was her kid's birthday. Then she had the gall to say it was a family and friends only event, so we had to stay inside our house! Not wanting to be a total asshole and ruin some little girl's birthday, I told Karen after this she had no access to our backward, period. Karen shrugged and kept setting up for the party.
During the party, a drunk adult wandered into our house which shocked us all. I said Karen's house is the otherside and he said, "Oh, Karen said she owned the whole property and to use whichever bathroom was available." I directed him to Karen's bathroom and soon after she came STORMING into our house, screaming about how dare we make her look bad to her friends and how selfish we are we couldn't even spare one bathroom. She said we didn't deserve all this space with just us. I told Karen to get the hell out of my house or I would be calling the cops. She finally left and the party wrapped up shortly after.
Backyard Remodel:
After the party incident, we decided we needed to clearly define the backyard and build a fence. While we were spending the money, we decided to update the patio, put in a fire pit, and an outdoor kitchen.
While the contractor was onsite, nosy Karen had to come investigate. Since the fence would be the last thing built, I was vague and just stuck to telling her about the patio update. You could see her face light up because of course in her mind, what's ours is hers.
When the workers started on the fence, Karen came out SCREAMING for the work to stop. I went outside and told the workers to keep working and told Karen to butt out. Of course in true Karen fashion...SHE CALLED THE COPS. What happened next was hilarity on my part after explaining to the cop that we were building a fence on OUR property and the landlord, of which Karen was NOT, knew about it. When the cop gave Karen a stern lecture, I thought her head was going to explode. She went back into her house and slammed the sliding door so hard it sounded like something cracked.
We got our fence and I thought that would be in the end, but of course not.
The Boat Incident:
One day, BillyBob entered the picture and he was as much a terrible neighbor as Karen. He would throw cigarette butts and empty beer cans over our fence for "disrespecting his woman". I didn't know paradise had trailer trash, but BillyBob is the epitome of the stereotype.
BillyBob has a boat. A 30' fishing boat to be precise. Of course, that side of the duplex only has 15' of dockage. Since we have so much dockage and only one boat, we rent out the other dockage spots as month-to-month. People come and go, so if we don't receive rent from them by the end of the month and the boat disappears, we think nothing of it.
We had a renter who tied up their boat on the property line, but BillyBob wanted to park his boat and needed that space. Karen and BilliyBob posed as us (we were out of town), told the renters to be gone at the end of the month, and then parked BillyBob's boat on the dockage.
I only found out about it weeks later because the renter left a nasty review on the rental site we use. They said we were rude and went back on the verbal agreement to let them stay for 3 more months. I was like "what the fuck is all this?" After a phone call, I quickly put 2 and 2 together.
I called the cops who told Karen and BillyBob they need to move their boat or it would be "towed" (the equivalent of it anyway). Karen and BillyBob started screaming the boat is fully on their property (it isn't), then changed to no one can own the water (true, but a seawall is deeded), that we are liars, and at some point BillyBob punched a cop and went to jail (I felt bad for the cops, so took them all snacks the next day with a note apologizing for neighbor drama). I ended up winning my small claims suit against them for lost rental income, but if course haven't seen a dime. I eventually convinced the dockage renters to come back and gave them a few months free as compensation.
Final Revenge:
If you've made it this far, congratulations! Get ready for a juicy justice boner.
So with the collapsing market, we were trying to figure out what to do with our savings when a perfect opportunity opened up. The landlord who owned both properties was in desperate need of some cash and was tired of managing the property from 2000 miles away (because of course Karen is a Karen and called him weekly for every little thing). His only stipulation was we let the "poor single mom who has been his renter for 8 years" finish her lease, which is up in July.
Since we just have money we were trying to reinvest and because now we get to control our neighbors, heck yeah we jumped on that! Since we didn't need a realtor or mortgage and an inspection had been done just a year ago for the old landlord to refinance, everything closed in just under two weeks.
Karen was aware of a change of ownership (we registered the property under an LLC)\], but didn't know who...until 8 days ago. I went over to Karen's house and knocked on the door. Karen answered with a "what the fuck do you want, cunt?" I smiled, handed her our landlord information, and sweetly reminded her rent was due by Friday, but she could just hand me the check if that was easier. I've always heard descriptions of people's faces turning white, but this was the first time I have actually seen it!
I told Karen that we are honoring her lease until the end of July, but afterwards she had better make plans to move because we instead to remodel it before these next tenants moved in.
Bye Bitch.
Edit: A lot of people misunderstood the beginning. Let's call our side of the duplex, Duplex OP. The other duplex is Duplex Karen.
We purchased Duplex OP. After we bought it, Duplex OP was no longer a rental. Both Duplex OP and Duplex Karen were for sale independently, but we only had the money to buy Duplex OP. Duplex Karen is still a rental because it has never sold.
Now we own both Duplex OP and Duplex Karen. Duplex Karen is still a rental. Duplex OP is still not a rental. When we made property improvements to Duplex OP, it was ours and not a rental.
UPDATE #1: Not much to update, folks. Karen and family's lease isn't up until the end of July. Rent has been paid on time. As far as I know, she doesn't have a new place lined up. We've served her 30 day notice we will not be renewing the lease. We also offered in writing that we will pro-rate July and waive the termination fee if they want to leave before the end of the lease.
Beyond the near weekly loud parties and having to call ther police because the kids were throwing lit fireworks at our boat, not much beyond the norm.
UPDATE #2 Aug 2020: Long story short, Karen and family is still in the place and not paying any rent. They were served with eviction, but due to COVID stuff we can't actually do anything about it. At least Karen and BillyBob had a GIANT FIGHT which ended up in him being arrested and he hasn't returned.
I've been told by our lawyer, once some laws are changed/removed in September, we can have the police escort them off the property that day since we've already filed the eviction. It's just a shitshow right now.
Karen is being extra smug. She tried to pushing her bounds and kept coming over to our property. A talk with the cops set her straight, but she's playing music loud and just tossing her trash everywhere.
We really wanted to move our elderly parents in after a quick remodel because dad needs shoulder surgery badly and mom now needs a walker. They need more care and it's getting harder driving two hours a day to do that. Our parents want their own space though and won't live on our side with us. My husband and I are trying not to be angry and make things worse with Karen, but we are both exhausted. Things just suck.
UPDATE #3 Dec 2020: Life is weird.
Karen is still here. Since we couldn't evict her, my partner went to stay with their parents for a few months so in-laws could get the surgery/care they needed. They are doing better now which is great.
Here's the weird part though. In October, Karen's mother, Susan, came to live with her since Susan's landlord chose not to renew her lease.
SUSAN IS AN ANGEL! Susan was MORTIFIED at Karen's and the kid's behavior. Susan is a tough one and has been cleaning house (both figuratively and literally). The kids are so much better behaved and Karen stomps around like a sullen child.
Susan and I share drinks every few days in the backyard. We bake together too every weekend. For Thanksgiving and Christmas since no one was traveling for the holidays, we made a big feast and set it up outside with some backyard games. It was a great time and even Karen was being pleasant.
I tried to tell Susan not to worry about rent until they find another place, but she insisted on paying. I lied about how much the rent was so it's only a half payment, but it just covers the taxes/insurance. We drew up another lease that is month-to-month.
Susan wants to move back home at some point and take her daughter with her. Karen I think it's ready for a change too, but obviously with COVID it might take some time. It's pretty pleasant right now though, so I'm in no hurry for them to leave. | Pot-Pilgrim | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc7p0o/opp_and_karen_a_love_story/ | qc7p0o | 11,242 | 951 | [
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2021-10-20T20:08:54 | I (44F) think my daughter (17F) is dating her friend (17F), should I talk to her about it? | Relationship_Advice | **Disclaimer: I am not OP. This is a repost!**
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q40o8u/i_44f_think_my_daughter_17f_is_dating_her_friend/)
I am not sure but I am sure. She and her friend got really close over the last year. They go to the same school but met online. My daughter has been having sleepover with her about twice this month. I have midnight cravings and I was going to the kitchen when I heard giggling and my daughter saying 'babe' I am pretty certain that they are dating and I have noticed other things the other times she has come over.
I don't know what to do here. My husband thinks the best thing is to just let her be but I had to hide my relationship with my husband due to them being racist shit heads and it eats into you. Even if you are planning to cut them off. It still made me feel terrible to lie to them.
It is an admittedly low bar but we are better parents than they were so it must be even harder for her. I don't want my daughter to hide who she is, I don't want her to feel the guilt of lying and all the BS that comes with lying to your family but from what I have read, it is better to wait till the ready. I am torn on what to do here. I do need some advice on this,
TLDR : I think my daughter is dating her friend. I know the pain of hiding a relationship so I can relate a bit with her and I want just tell her that we love her no matter what.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qc5nq0/i_44f_think_my_daughter_17f_is_dating_her_friend/)
People told me not to tell her but subtly show support. Well, My husband's idea of subtlety was to invite his gay colleague and his husband home for dinner. we do invite people over before the pandemic so it is not unusual behavior. They are nice people and the dinner went well. My daughter was in a great mood the whole night.
She came out two days after that. We told us over breakfast. She was hesitant. She said she knew we would be supportive but a small part of her was scared that we would kick her out. we assured her that we loved her and we wanted her to be happy. We did tease her mercilessly about having sleepovers under our nose.
TLDR : She came out, She was a bit scared but things are okay | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qc9pyr/i_44f_think_my_daughter_17f_is_dating_her_friend/ | qc9pyr | 2,257 | 2,417 | [
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2021-10-20T22:15:23 | OP sells GF's cat by accident | Portland | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/Portland/comments/2ppgh0/i_messed_up_and_sold_my_gfs_cat_by_accident/) by u/roydufek:*
SO... My girlfriend and I are moving into a new apartment and while she was at work I helped her out by selling the two beds she had in her apartment because we were going to use my better beds that I had at my house. Little did I know when the cat is scared it hides inside the box spring. Until now there's been stuff under the bed preventing him from doing that but there was a hole big enough for him to crawl inside and hide in there. It is not a cat that ever goes outside and he didn't bolt out the door when I was helping the people from Craigslist purchasing the beds carry them out. She lived in Northridge Apartments in Rock Creek, and if you know those apartments there's two sets of doors he would have had to go through to get out (we would have noticed him leave). Well he's no longer in her apartment and we've been working with the buyer to search through his house/garage/perimeter where he stored the box spring once he got home. He strapped the box spring on top of the car for the transport so the cat could have jumped out on the transport as well at any moment.
As you can imagine my girlfriend is absolutely crushed. I know some think 'it's just a cat' but if you've ever owned an animal I ask that you understand how unbelievably devastating this is. "Camo" was her world and I was the one who took that away from her days before Christmas of all times of the year. This is a picture I took of him literally 3 days ago when we were messing around with a costume we bought the little guy for christmas. Thank you for any help you may be able to provide. We would want to know, dead or alive what state he's in and can only offer $100 for him from the money we got from the beds. Moving is and this time of year is proving to be financially challenging! Thank you so much for any information you may have...
He could be anywhere near Hillsboro Airport, or Rock Creek area: Highway 26 / Cornelius Pass Road
Thanks again! (AND, he is Microchipped as well)
http://i.imgur.com/RExriaz.jpg http://i.imgur.com/wYD7xdq.jpg
UPDATE 12/18/14 - 11:30p
So we've had an overwhelming response from so many people willing to help. It is unbelievably heart warming to see this thread hit top of Portland Reddit, all the suggestions (and amazing ones at that) from very bright people, and just an overall sense of community that I could have never possibly expected for somebody else's "problem". I truly want to thank all of you, whether joke- suggestion- or story for pitching in to this mess. This thread alone is the best Christmas present possible for the both of us (not including of course finding Camo).
That being said, we currently have a small animal trap in the Garage as of right now with a bowl of water at the end of it, and some clothing next to the bowl as suggested by a cat rescue in Hillsboro that was kind enough to lend us the trap for FREE. Next we have notified everything we can, posted lost cast posters around the areas he could be, and have registered the microchip service with his and updated the contact information. I've posted on CL, and now we are going to reach out to http://www.k9sardog.com as per suggestion by /u/little_treasure . Thank you little_treasure. It will at least confirm if he's in the garage or not. At first I was skeptical of such a service but his stats are ridiculous so I can't argue with that, and he's close.
The trap will be checked in the morning and every couple of hours through each day. I know a thought might be emptying out the garage to confirm he's not in there. Well that's a lot to ask a dude that just wanted a bed for $100. We're also trying to stay good with him since he's truly not obligated to do much more than he's already done for us, which is a lot over the past 24 hours.
Any way, again- I just want to express my sincere gratitude to each and every one of you who took the time out of your day to look out, share an anecdote, or drop some amazing suggestions. I guess I really should have expected nothing less than this from the Portland reddit, but thank you all for blowing us away. I never knew how much people can really be selfless to complete strangers in moment of despair.
I will of course keep the thread updated- thanks again Portland. :)
UPDATE 12/19/14 - 6:00p
Still no sign of Camo, nothing in the cage, and the Search and Rescue guy...well we decided after some further suggestion we were not going to hire him. We did receive however a reach out from a local news station for the story. CAN'T believe that! We are responding quickly with them and hope to get the story out in a better way. :) My girlfriend has put up more posters, talked to some neighbors and did more search. SHE even rented a thermal camera from Home Depot, found two bunnies, and 2 birds with it but unfortunately no cat. Had no idea that was even possible till again REDDIT. There is a long thread below here so whoever suggested FLIR, amazing... Thanks again for all your help, and I'm sure someone was kind enough to have a relationship with that news station and talked to someone there. Whoever you are, you're amazing. Merry Christmas!!!
Will keep the updates coming once a day near the evening. You all are saints! :)
UPDATE 12/20/14 10:30p
We spent the day moving but did get a tip from the front office of Northridge Apartments that a gentleman who lives there was out running this morning and saw a cat on Jacobson Rd. near the high school wandering around. It was darker out when he was running, and was not 100% positive on the markings but it interests us because there's really no residential properties off that area. My girlfriend is going to head over there in the morning to take a look around there more and call out for him. It is possible he's getting closer to home but now unfortunately she doesn't live there any more. We have talked to all surrounding apartments to look out for him as the apartments will only let the posters stay up for a few days understandably. We're offering $200 now that we didn't have to drop the pet deposit at the new apartments where we moved today...that was depressing for sure. We're definitely keeping good spirits about it though and have found a spot for his cat tree at the new place. The cage keeps empty at the box spring garage. At this point, we know our little Camo is on his adventure and having some fun out there. :) If you spot anything in that area don't hesitate to let us know. Email is my reddit handle @gmail.com (trying to avoid spam). Thanks for keeping up with us, in your thoughts, and looking out! As the holidays approach- hold your fur children tight! You all are awesome, and hope this week is fantastic for you and your families. ~insert Christmas tree emoticon here~
UPDATE 12/21/14 10:30p
She looked around the high school for several hours today but nothing. I've already left town for Christmas, and she's leaving to meet me Tuesday just to stick around longer and see if Camo turns up. She's wrecked on the whole thing. Worried sick- and can't stop crying throughout the day. It's a big life change, and it's hard to be alone when you've had a pet to greet you for the last 5 years. It's rough but we're going to let life be life and hope for the best down the road. Gotta make the best of the Holidays and say hello to a new year, opening our minds to the possibility of a different life track without the little guy. Again, thanks to everyone who has looked out, helped us with suggestions, and told your stories of the luck that brought your pet back home to ease our minds. We'll update the page if we do find him in the future and always feel free to contact me with any questions or information about Camo. We will always offer the reward- This will be my last update for now as we gotta spend our time enjoying family. Happy holidays everyone!
[UPDATE 12/28/14 4:00p](https://www.reddit.com/r/Portland/comments/2qnxkb/found_camo_the_craigslist_boxspring_stow_away_cat/)
WE FOUND CAMO!!!
Short story: Caught him in a trap hours after setting it near the new location where the box spring traveled, meaning he did in fact take the car ride all the way to the new bed owner's house near Hillsboro airport. We were assured by a caller in the area that they did indeed see Camo based on the pictures available and we got a small animal trap setup near the sighting, came back an hour and half later and he was in there!
Longer story:
After another sighting was reported near Northridge Apartments yesterday (original home), we searched for a few hours finally spotting a cat outside an office building that looked very similar to Camo, but wasn't him. There was food, water, and another indoor cat in the window of the office. We had three sightings reported on different days at that same corner or near of a cat that looked like Camo, we realized that it was most likely that cat both times so we decided to look more at the Evergreen & Sewell near the Hillsboro Airport (new home of the bed). After distributing some fliers, Hayley went back set trap with sardines in oil and familiar scented clothing, then left. About an hour and half later she came back with her friend Kelly to do some more searching. Camo was in the trap! Although scared and hissy, they got him in the car and headed back to familiar territory: his old home. After further inspection Camo had a cut lip, several of his nails were broken / paws were bleeding, one of his eyes was squinty, he of course was a mess, and he was very thin (lost about 2 pounds). He spent the night getting up several times eating and drinking and was taken to the vet this morning. The vet gave him an antibiotic shot, a good inspection, and he was off back to home where we think we pulled a tick off and are treating him for fleas. Hayley gave him a bath and he's been cleaning himself vigorously since. All is good, and we expect the news to be covering this pretty extensively so that's why we've waited to release this until we had some time to discuss the plan.
We can't ever repay or say thank you enough to all the people that spent their cherished holiday time, and resources to help us bring Camo home. It was quite emotional last night, we're in shock of this whole experience, and have been holding him tight! It's been quite the ride and we couldn't possibly formulate the words to describe how grateful we are for all the people who have reached out to us for suggestions, help, stories, comfort, and information. It's the best feeling in the world to know friends and strangers a like has had our back in time of need, and to have him back safe and recovering. We can't even imagine what's he's been through in a week and half running wild near the country side esoecially in this weather. Today is a great day!
Thanks again, Roy & Hayley
http://imgur.com/6KQHIkC http://imgur.com/J0BJuli http://imgur.com/cRVEbTv http://imgur.com/IYdUu4P | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qccgnh/op_sells_gfs_cat_by_accident/ | qccgnh | 11,079 | 1,166 | [
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2021-10-21T04:16:27 | Update to Previously Posted Story: OP (17f) suspects stepfather is attracted to her. Tells mom. It goes well. | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost subreddit. I am not the original poster.
This post is an update to a compilation made by [u/Im\_your\_life](https://www.reddit.com/user/Im_your_life/) six months ago.
The original posts were written by [u/ThrowRAwtfhelp](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAwtfhelp/) in r/relationship_advice.
TW:>! Predator grooming, the beginnings of sexual abuse, sexual assault!<
**I (F17) think my step dad (M46) might have a thing for me**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/mud8r4/i\_f17\_think\_my\_step\_dad\_m46\_might\_have\_a\_thing/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mud8r4/i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a_thing/)
Yes I know this sounds like clickbait or a shitty porno but I need help and advice
Sorry if this isn't the place to post this but It's the first subreddit that came to mind, and I didn't want to talk to anyone I know in real life about this for hopefully obvious reasons.
So my Mom got remarried about 4 or 5 years ago now to my new step dad Steve, I never had an issue with this as he was a really cool and nice guy, he never tried to replace my dad (who isn't dead but just isn't in my life) but he was always very supportive. The other day I was looking for some headphones because mine were broken, and knowing my mom always puts the ones you get with new phones in her night stand I went looking in there.
I didn't find any in hers so I thought fuck it and checked Steve's nightstand too. I didn't find any headphones but what I did find was a pair of what were definitely my panties and pictures of me. Now if it was just pictures of me I wouldn't think anything of it, he's always treated me like his daughter so that wouldn't be too weird. But this coupled with the panties (as if that wouldn't have been enough on it's own) really freaked me out so I put everything back how I found it and left their room.
Since then I've just been hyper aware of how he behaves around me and feel panicked whenever he touches me or hugs me, and I think back to anytime he's done it in the past and just wonder if he was trying to feel me up or something. I don't know whether I should talk to my mom about this, he's never made sexual advances towards me in any way or anything like that so could I just be overthinking something that could have a reasonable explanation. I'm just going into worst case scenario thinking and imagining him secretly having a thing for me and jerking off to my underwear or something gross like that
**I (F17) think my step dad (M46) might have a thing for me (UPDATE)**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/mvhgi4/i\_f17\_think\_my\_step\_dad\_m46\_might\_have\_a\_thing/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mvhgi4/i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a_thing/)
I was pretty torn up about whether to tell my Mom or not but it was a pretty constant thing people were telling me, she's never not believed me about something before but with something this big I was worried. Plus all the comments saying I had made this up kind of shook my confidence about whether she'd believe me
I ended up asking her to go for a walk with me, which is something we do semi often anyways so it wasn't that weird and wouldn't have alerted Steve. I almost didn't tell her in the end but she could tell something was wrong and got me to tell her. She was pretty quiet for a while but then she started crying, she said she hoped there was a reasonable answer to this but until she spoke to him and we figured it all out I should stay at my Aunts just in case
So I went and stayed at my Aunts last night, we told Steve I was staying at a friends. At school today my Mom texted me saying I should come home after school so we could talk about it. She didn't tell me much about what happened but Steve is gone now, she kicked him out I think and it doesn't sound like he'll be coming back. I don't know if they're going to get a divorce. It sounds like they weren't doing as great as I had thought and when she confronted him he just didn't say anything but obviously looked panicked. She ended up forcing a confession out of him as she threatened to call the police and he admitted he was attracted to me. They were getting better though apparently and my Mom had even said to him the other day that she thought it was great how he was affectionate with me, hugging me and treating me like his own, which she now feels sick about.
I'm not sure if we're going to get the police involved, or if they'd even do anything since I'm 17 anyways and he didn't actually do anything to me. Plus I'm not sure I'd want to deal with the hassle of it all. I kind of just want to move on with my life and help my mum heal. I don't think she blames me but I can't help but feel like I ruined her marriage
So that's about it really, thank you everyone for your concern, I'll actually stick around to answer comments this time, and thank you to everybody who told me about their own experiences, encouraging me to speak up.
**UPDATE 2: I (F17) think my step dad (M46) might have a thing for me**
[https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAwtfhelp/comments/nm3ygm/update\_2\_i\_f17\_think\_my\_step\_dad\_m46\_might\_have\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAwtfhelp/comments/nm3ygm/update_2_i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a/)
I was really hoping I wouldn't have to make another update but things have kind of gone to shit.
After my Mom kicked Steve out everything was actually going okay to start with, we hung out a lot and she took time off work, partly to spend time with me and I think partly to deal with what happened. We never really talked about it specifically as I could sense that she wasn't ready to talk about it more yet and honestly neither was I so I was fine with that. As the week went on though I noticed she seemed to be getting worse, she was talking less and wasn't eating as much and I even heard her crying one night, I really didn't know what to do so I just didn't mention it to her
Then, maybe a week after she kicked him out, I came home from school and found Steve back in the house. I freaked out about this and went to talk to my Mom but she just stayed silent and avoided eye contact with me. I kind of figured out on my own that she missed him a lot and decided to ask him to come back. This was 5 days ago. Since then my Mom's been noticeably happier and more of her usual self but she refuses to talk about what happened, or punish Steve for it in any way.
Now that he's been welcomed back it's as if he's bolder since he knows he can get away with it. He keeps lingering by the bathroom whenever I have a shower, hugging me from behind and has started just walking into my room unannounced. Anytime he touches me he definitely lingers. I'm really worried he might try and take things further and have cried myself to sleep most nights, I feel completely unsafe in my own home.
I tried staying at my Aunts or a friends a few times but they were busy and since I haven't told them what's going on I couldn't make them have me over. I think maybe I should tell my friends as then they might let me stay with them for a bit but from how my Moms reacted I'm fucking terrified to tell anyone else as they might just brush it off
I don't know what to do. It's obvious I can't trust my Mom now and I don't know who to turn to. I'm going to start saving money so that hopefully when I turn 18 I can move out
EDIT: Off the back of everyone's comments I've spoken to my Aunt, she now knows everything and although she's going away for work for the next week she's given me keys to her place and is letting me stay there for now. We both agreed we wouldn't tell my Mom or Steve where I was as I'm worried he might come over if he knew I was in a house by myself. I will also look into getting locks for if I have to go back to my house and I've requested a meeting with the school counsellor to talk about everything. Thank you everyone I'll keep you updated when/if anything changes
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**I (F17) think my step dad (M46) might have a thing for me (****FINAL** **UPDATE)**
[https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationship\_advice/comments/mvhgi4/i\_f17\_think\_my\_step\_dad\_m46\_might\_have\_a\_thing/](https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationship_advice/comments/mvhgi4/i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a_thing/)
Links for [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mud8r4/i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a_thing/), [First Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mvhgi4/i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a_thing/) and [Second Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAwtfhelp/comments/nm3ygm/update_2_i_f17_think_my_step_dad_m46_might_have_a/). (2nd update was originally posted here a month ago but was taken down as I had posted too many. Hopefully with the time that's passed and the nature of this post I am allowed to post again)
TW: Sexual Assault
I figured it would be worth making a new post as a lot has happened in the past month that I know some of you would be interested in hearing about, plus with certain things that have come to light I'm in need of even more advice
As of my last post, I moved in with my Aunt, at the time this was just a temporary thing but now I've pretty much completely moved in. She took me to collect my stuff from my house one day whilst Steve was at work. I eventually told my Mom and by extension Steve, where I was staying, more for her peace of mind than anything else as I didn't want her thinking I was homeless or something. That kind of stopped her demanding to know where I was and to come home as my Aunt made it clear how disgusting she found my Moms behaviour and that she was ready to protect me since she clearly wasn't. Like I said previously though, my Aunt goes away for work a lot, so most of the time I have the place to myself which Is pretty sweet but unfortunately Steve is aware of this too, he tried coming over to talk to me a few times when I was home alone but I locked the door and threatened to call the police if he didn't leave. He hasn't bothered me since.
After taking into account people's advice, I told my friends about what happened. I had to at some point as they were eventually going to realise I was living with my Aunt and I wanted them to be able to come over too. Sadly this is where things got even more fucked up. Once my friends knew what had happened, some of them came forward to me and it turns out a few of them had had "run ins" with Steve. For some of them he had just made creepy comments and remarks that they'd brushed off at the time. Another had actually gotten messages from him on Facebook, telling her how good she'd looked the last time she'd come over, complimenting her new picture's and making it clear that she turned him on, even offering to show proof.
The worst was with my best friend, Lucy, she didn't go into too much detail about it but I could tell it was hard for her to talk about. Nearly a year ago, probably the last time she had stayed over at my house, she had run into him when getting some water at night. He'd said something about how a girl her age shouldn't be wearing such revealing pyjamas, blocking her from leaving the kitchen, and just kind of kept telling her how good she looked at that she must be wanting for people to notice. She was pretty uncomfortable about and tried getting past him and he took the opportunity to grope her. Fortunately he didn't take it any further than that
I feel completely disgusted, both at Steve and also myself, I can't help but think that if I'd noticed something sooner that I could have spared my friends from this. I think part of me was trying to rationalise his behaviour, which is why I didn't make a report at first. I thought maybe it was fine since I'm almost 18 anyways. But knowing that he's been behaving like this, with my friends going as far back as when one of them was 15 is just disgusting. I was being stupid before, I realise now how horrible he really is.
I've spent a lot of time with Lucy since, trying to make sure she's okay. I'm not sure it really sunk in for her what happened until she told us about it. We all agreed to make reports with the police after that, which we have done now. Right now I'm kind of just waiting to see what happens, and praying that he gets arrested.
Sorry if that's kind of a rushed recap, but the last part makes me quite uncomfortable to talk about, I'm happy to answer any questions people have, but mostly I'm looking for more advice now
So I guess now I have some new questions, mainly being how do I go forward with my Mom? I'd love nothing more than to have her back in my life but I'm just not ready to act like nothing happened. How can I support my friend through dealing with what happened to her. And how should I prepare myself and my friends in the event Steve does get arrested?
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*OOP has not posted/commented since this final post five months ago.* | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcjbai/update_to_previously_posted_story_op_17f_suspects/ | qcjbai | 13,217 | 1,704 | [
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2021-10-21T04:32:59 | How can I cancel a date with someone I met online, who's is planning on driving 6 hours to meet me? | askwomenadvice | ***repost with minor edits, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/askwomenadvice/comments/qca39w/how_can_i_cancel_a_date_with_someone_i_met_online/) by u/Rocky1326***
&nbsp;
Im a 19 year old female, Met this guy (20 year old male) online 3 months ago, we started talking and liking each other. We made the plan last month to meet each other this Friday. Hes driving 6 hours, and booked an airbnb.
Last night we called and I just got horrible vibes from it. He acted different and was disrespectful, and not someone who seems easy to get along with. He also described how mad he would be if I flaked. My body is physically responding with anxiety, shakes, and feeling sick. I just know I need to cancel. I talked to the host of the airbnb who was the most lovely lady ever who said shell give him a full refund.
But how do I tell him I need to cancel. When he was nice enough to book an airbnb and drive 6 hours on Friday. I don't want him to hate me after. but I just want him to know I need more time to get to know him. I literally feel like the worst human alive, I just want him to not hate me. My anxiety is just to extreme to meet him, I feel like my body is just sending me signals to cancel ASAP.
&nbsp;
UPDATE: I have just sent the cancel message. Pray for me. Ill let you know what he says. Also. Thank you so freaking much for all of your guys kind words and advice! I LOVE WOMEN
I asked this same thing in another community and everyone was saying i was a major red flag for wanting to cancel… but its just my gut feeling
&nbsp;
[*comment*] hes been spam calling me, I told him I cant call cause im with family and he said "Sarah you need to chill a little bit, whenever your sister isnt next to you, call me. You need to trust me that its gonna be okay". Its annoying cause he didnt accept my message and understand I dont feel comfortable, and now hes trying to "convince" me
&nbsp;
FINAL HORRIBLE UPDATE: someone commented and deleted something like "he might drive there just to guilt you" and BINGO. I set up him getting his full refund. But he apparently has to PICK UP LAWN EQUIPMENT FOR HIS DAD, and he said "im not going to flake on him(hint hint dig at me)".
So now he has made me feel completely terrible about him having to pay the 400$. EVEN THOUGH I SET UP A REFUND. HES COMING NO MATTER WHAT ARGGGGGGGGGGGG. LIKE BRO GET THE FREAKIN LAWN EQUIPMENT SHIPPED TO YOUR HOUSE. apparently "no store would ship an aerator" (idk an aerator is apparently a very rare hard to attain huge piece of lawn equipment)
HE IS BLOCKED. I just had to ensure he was getting his refund, so when I texted the airbnb lady to make sure he cancelled and she replied with "hes still coming", I had to call him to figure out wtf is happening. he is blocked and will stay blocked!
Thank you: everyone for all the kind words and advice. Genuinely this subreddit is the only thing that helped me make the correct decision CONFIDENTLY. Last night I felt all alone, and sad I had no one I felt could give me honest advice. But today ,the anxiety shakes and bad feeling in my stomach cleared. Thanks so much from the bottom of my heart.
Im safe: While I wish this story ended with him never coming to my city, im feeling safe knowing I dont need to see him, and he has no idea where I live! I will make sure to keep my butt home all weekend to ensure I dont even run into him. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcjlgf/how_can_i_cancel_a_date_with_someone_i_met_online/ | qcjlgf | 3,415 | 893 | [
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2021-10-21T14:15:44 | Should my brother [17M] and I [17F] invite my brother's [32M] crush [30?M] to Chinese New Year dinner? | Relationships | *This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!*
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ORIGINAL by u/Swimming-Ordinary
Mood: >!daww!<
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[***Should my brother \[17M\] and I \[17F\] invite my brother's \[32M\] crush \[30?M\] to Chinese New Year dinner?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/elwlz8/should_my_brother_17m_and_i_17f_invite_my/)
We come from a conservative East Asian family. My brother came out years ago but my parents reacted so badly he basically went back into the closet. This was all before I was born.
4 years ago, my parents moved back to our home country as their business was doing better there and left my brother and I with my older brother and we've been doing great. I only ser my parents twice a year.
He's also started to "come out" again and my parents don't do anything because they are too far away and also they don't want to ruin our education or income by having my brother refuse to take care of us so they pretend not to know.
My brother and I are supportive though.
The thing is, there's a little Asian cafe that opened up at the start of last year and it's got all kinds of handmade Asian sweets and pastries both traditional and fusion. It's run by a brother and sister and the brother is the baker/barista and he's gay.
My brother has a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge crush on him. I know because we got to the cafe every Saturday morning for family breakfast and they always make heart eyes at each other and smile a lot.
The sister also always makes her brother serve mine when he comes in every day and is always talking up her brother to mine. We all go to the cafe every day, my older brother every day before work and us after school and I think they really like us because they give us extra snacks and stuff.
My brother and I also talk up our older brother to her brother but none of them have made a move.
His sister has also told us that her brother has a crush on ours.
Chinese New Year is coming around soon and I'm wondering if my brother and I should invite them around since their family is also overseas? My oldest brother normally makes a traditional dinner. The sister has said that they don't have any plans for Chinese New Year.
And my brother's crush has offered to give me the recipe to make Chinese New Year desserts, can I or my brother invite him over to our house for "help" when my oldest brother will be around? He's offered teach me to make them anyway.
Or should I leave it?
TLDR: Should I invite my brother's crush to our Chinese New Year dinner?
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[***UPDATE: Should my brother \[17M\] and I \[17F\] invite my brother's \[32M\] crush \[30?M\] to Chinese New Year dinner?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/eo6ykz/update_should_my_brother_17m_and_i_17f_invite_my/)
Really quick update to this [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/elwlz8/should_my_brother_17m_and_i_17f_invite_my/)
My twin brother and I talked to my oldest brother yesterday about inviting the brother and sister over for Chinese New Year because they didn't have any family.
He just laughed at us and said yes, it was fine and said he knew exactly what we were up to with the baker/brother but in like a really smirky kind of way.
I think they've already been talking or maybe even dating but he refused to say any more than that and kept telling us to get ready for school and that "good things take time" and acting all "wise" and "older brotherly" and just annoying.
So I told him he'd better get married by the end of the year so I could get more red pockets next Chinese New Year and he just laughed at me.
When I went to the cafe after school today his crush told me that my brother had invited them over for Chinese New Year so I was "oh really?" and he kind of laughed at me too and told me I was a good sibling.
So they are clearly together or together adjacent or something. Maybe they want to announce it on Chinese New Year.
But when my brother asked me what I wanted to eat on Chinese New Year I gave him a list of wedding foods and he asked me if I was getting married. But he's just been laughing at me and my brother the whole time.
So we've just been annoying each other back and forth until he bought us ice cream to shut us up but he did give us hugs out of the blue today so I think I'll just leave it at that and they can take their own time with whatever it is they have going on.
But I do kind of want to tease him about it because I have little sister privileges and I can only abuse them for another year.
**tl;dr**: Update, looks like there's already something going on and they are coming for Chinese New Year but my brother is being coy.
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*This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!* | rainbow_drizzle | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcsslu/should_my_brother_17m_and_i_17f_invite_my/ | qcsslu | 4,822 | 1,505 | [
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2021-10-21T15:11:50 | My Fiancé tried to cut my implant out while I was asleep | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ijuzmk/fianc%C3%A9_tried_to_cut_my_implant_out_while_i_slept/) *is by* [u/ThrowRAArmImpant](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAArmImpant/)
Throwaway account, because I don’t want this attached to my regular account.
Anyways, I (25f) have a two year old son from a previous relationship. After I gave birth, I was asked about birth control. I said, “Yes please” and now I have Nexplanon, a birth control that gets inserted into your upper arm. I was told it lasts 3 years.
Cut to now, my fiance (27m) told me he wants a baby. I said I did too, (just not now) and that I’d get my Nexplanon out after the three years are up and I won’t replace it. This wasn’t soon enough for him, he wanted me pregnant NOW. I stood firm and said I’m not ready to have another baby, I want to be a little more stabile, money wise and in general.
Fiancé was mad and we got into a big argument. I brought up my son and told him my son sees him as a father figure, that we already have a child to take care of while my birth control runs its course. All of a sudden he started shouting at me, saying he wanted a baby that’s biologically his and that every time he looks at my son he gets angry. I asked him why and he told me it’s because he sees my ex in my son. (My son looks a lot like his father.) He then went on to tell me he doesn’t feel like a parental figure to my son, he has no personal attachment to him. He says it’s because my son isn’t biologically his and he resents us for this.
Hence, the baby talk. He wanted my arm implant out immediately. I said no way, I’m not ready for another baby yet. We continue to argue about this until I’m finally tired and frustrated, so i say I’m done arguing and just head into our bedroom.
An important fact to know is that I take medication to sleep, a pretty strong medication with a high dosage. It knocks me flat on my ass, the Sandman comes and slaps me across the face so I’m down for the count.
After the argument, I take my pills and I go to bed. My fiancé was still in the living room when I fell into a deep sleep. Now another important fact, my fiancé knows where my implant is, He’s felt it under my skin, as it’s very noticeable when you’re feeling around for it.
I’m sleeping when I stir slightly awake after I felt fingers on my upper arm, prodding. With my eyes still shut, I tell my fiancé to stop poking me. I assumed he was just being petty and childish because of the fight.
He doesn’t stop and not five seconds after poking me, he presses down in the exact spot my Nexplanon is. At this point, I’m starting to get more alert and annoyed. I just wanted sleep and I can’t do that when I’m being jabbed. I opened my eyes to see what the hell he’s doing and ask why his finger is pressing directly on my Nexplanon.
The minute I opened my eyes, I notice an object in his free hand... a box cutter, which was very close to my upper arm. Now I’m on full alert and I ask him what the fuck he’s doing. He immediately looks guilty and tries to throw excuses at me. “I was just trying to scare you”, “I was checking to make sure you were alive and it’s a coincidence I’m holding the box cutter.“
I called bullshit on every excuse and said I wanted the truth. He looked down then told me he was doing me a favor. What favor? Glad you asked. He was going to remove the Nexplanon from my arm. He said he’s studied how to do it and he’s confident he can safely remove it. He said, “we can start expanding our family now! No need to wait eight months!”
I. Am. Livid. I immediately shout at him to get the fuck away from me and don’t touch me. He tries to talk to me, but I keep yelling he needs to leave, he can’t stay at our house right now because he admitted he was trying to cut into my arm, thus breaking my trust.
Finally, he walked out of the bedroom and a minute later, I heard the front door open then close.
It’s been three hours and he still hasn’t come back and I don’t know what to do when he does. I don’t know where we go from here. I love this man dearly but I don’t think I can forgive and forget this.
I don’t know what to do. Advice please?
Edit: I called my mother and she said I can stay with her, so I’m taking my son and leaving. I can’t respond to every comment, but just for a few quick questions - he’s never acted like this before. He’s always been so gentle and kind to me and my son. The argument and then the box cutter is completely new. During the fight, i hoped he was just in the heat of the moment and saying shit he doesn’t mean because he’s angry. I was hoping (naively) that he’d be back to sweet/kind the next morning and apologize for the hurtful comments and trying to overstep my boundaries. I honestly didn’t think he’d come at me with a box cutter. A lot of people are saying I should already know what to do, so I guess my “Idk what to do” should really be phrased, “has anyone had anything remotely similar to this happen to them?” I guess I might’ve also wanted reassurance that leaving is the best thing to do instead of waiting for him to come home and trying to talk it out. I love this guy deeply and it’s just hard for me to put both pieces of the puzzle together - the sweet guy I knew and the awful guy I saw tonight.
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[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ikfcj7/update_my_ex_tried_to_cut_my_implant_out_while_i/)
Essentially, my (now ex) fiancé did a complete 180 personality wise. Was so sweet and loving to both me and my son, until we fought about having another baby last night. He said horrible things and I was tired of fighting, so I took my Trazodone and went to bed. Woke up to him touching my arm implant birth control with a box cutter in his hand. Said he was doing me a favor, but I screamed at him to leave.
I ended up leaving last night with my son to stay at my mom’s. I was confused, shocked, hurt, scared. I still am... At seven this morning, my phone started buzzing like crazy - texts, calls, voicemails. All were from him, asking me where I went and when I was coming home. I didn’t respond. I just don’t even want to look at him or talk to him again.
He called my mom while we were both sitting in the kitchen discussing everything. She asked me if I wanted her to answer it. I said I just didn’t want to talk to him. My mom ended up answering and my ex was yelling, sounding panicky. He said I left with my son last night out of the blue and he’s worried, no mention of our fight. He asked when my mom last heard from me and she lied and said last night. He made a noise over the phone, like an angry sigh and said he was going to keep searching for me, that he’s worried something bad has or will happen to me and my son.
When my mom hung up, she pulled me into a hug. I guess I had started crying and didn’t realize it. She was still hugging me when she asked how I wanted to proceed, if I was done with him for good. I said I was and she nodded and told me first thing was to go to the police (like a lot of you said). I didn’t have any proof about the box cutter situation - it would come down to my word versus his. If he had even knicked me a little, I’d have a case against him, but since he technically didn’t hurt me, the detective said he’s seen cases similar to mine thrown out. The officer did bring up ex partes and suggested I get one for both me and my son immediately.
I went to the courthouse to get the paperwork filled out. I had to detail as much as I could remember from last night - every word and action. My mom helped me and we got them turned in and moved on to the next step - calling my landlord. I’ve been living in the same house for two years - the first year was a lease and now I pay month to month. Everything is in my name and most of the furniture is mine. I told my landlord what was briefly going on and that I was putting in my thirty day notice (my mom has a guest room that she’s insisting I stay in). After getting off the phone with him, I called the utilities and closed my accounts - water, electric, gas, internet.
Next my mother asked me what I wanted to do about my belongings. I told her I don’t want to leave anything that’s mine — all important papers, knickknacks, clothes, furniture, all of it. I just didn’t know where to put it, so my mom suggested a storage unit. Once that was decided, we had to figure out when to start the move. Mom ended up calling my two brothers and they both agreed to help me move, just give them a date and time. I told them definitely sometime this week and my eldest brother suggested a police presence, just in case. Think it’s called a civil standby? Idk, but I agreed.
By this point, it’s getting late in the day and I’m as drained as I can get. I just wanted to go curl up with my son and try to sort my thoughts out and calm down. The county clerk ended up calling me, telling me the judge granted my ex partes. She told me that I needed to come pick up paperwork, which had the court date on it. She also mentioned ex-fiance would soon be served and told me I don’t have to see him again until we go to court, to make the ex partes into permanent restraining orders. She suggested lawyering up, but I’m officially burnt out on today. I’ll look into lawyers tomorrow, but tonight, after this update? It’s a cuddle in bed with my son night.
A couple things that I’ve seen repeated - why didn’t I leave right when ex started saying those awful things about my son. I honestly thought he didn’t mean them. He’s told my son he loves him before. Part of it was also shock, I guess. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and that I was hearing it from someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t think he truly had hatred in his heart and it never crossed my mind that he would hurt me or my son. He’s never even spanked my son. I just thought we needed a cooling off period, so I removed myself from the situation to take my meds and sleep, naively thinking things would be better in the morning.
People also questioned why I would even bother sticking around to try to talk things out and that’s a valid question that I don’t have a rational answer to. Part of me thought I was dreaming, I think, and the other part is the side of me that thinks everything equates to being my fault, like I was too mean during the fight, too stubborn to see things his way and try to understand his feelings.
Idk. It’s late. Everything feels surreal and I have this pit in my stomach that feels like dread. What if ex shows up at my mom’s house? I still haven’t returned his messages or phone calls and now he legally can’t contact me anyways. I’ve had two of my best friends call, saying ex called them. My younger brother (who I guess has always hated ex but I didn’t know that until today) said even he got a call. So far everyone is saying they don’t know anything, but I’m scared. Idk. I’m sorry. Just thought I’d update.
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***SECOND UPDATE*** (added in the update post)
Update to the update - so many people offered great advice that I’d never think of myself. I’ve been kind of heavily relying on my mom to guide me through this and keep me and my son afloat. I’ve also been given several things to read, which I am absolutely going to when I have some down time. I appreciate every comment, from extremely helpful to well wishes and even the ones questioning the validity of this. To be honest and it’s a horrible cliche, but if it wasn’t happening to me, I probably wouldn’t jump to believing either. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and I end up sounding either very clinical in my typing, or very unnecessarily dramatic. So I get the mistrust. My update last night was written late, I was exhausted, but I wanted to let the people from my original post know — I took their advice and got out of there. My emotions have been so conflicting and chaotic, I’m surprised I was able to sound coherent, let alone like a “teenager writing fanfic”. I wish this was a fanfic. I could feel safe again.
My mom has been an absolute angel and I’ve shown her some of your comments, complimenting her. And she definitely deserves it! Never once did she make me feel I couldn’t be completely honest with her, she’s reopened her house to me (even though I moved out years ago). She’s really kept the ball rolling on everything with her organization skills. She made a list and yesterday we followed that list to the letter. When I wanted to put stuff off, she’d gently remind me of what could happen if I paused. Ex could find me, hurt me, hurt my son, or anyone helping to protect me.
You all are very right and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t realize just how much support I have and what a tremendous family I have. A couple people mentioned to be careful if Ex finds out where I am — and my mom and brothers already had a plan for me. They called it Round Robining - if Ex found me at mom’s, I’d flee to Eldest brother. If he finds me at Eldest brother, I’d temporarily stay with my younger brother. Really, I appreciate you all commenting that I’m doing things right and quick and how impressive it is, but that’s not my doing at all. That’s all on my family. They’re the extraordinary ones (there goes my fanfic cliches again) going above and beyond for me and my son.
Some of the comments that questioned my validity remarked that it was odd that I immediately went to Reddit to see what to do/how to feel. You’re all right, that it unusual, but not for me. I grew up when LiveJournal was a big thing, writing helps me organize my thoughts and I figured this community would help me understand... and I was right!
Another thing I want to address is Ex’s sudden change. I’m now wondering what to do for that. I don’t want him in my life still. But some of you mentioned a brain tumor or a psychotic break, so I’m worried. I sent Ex’s mother and father a message this morning saying I broke off the engagement and left, but both messages are still unread. I don’t know what to say to them, in regards to Ex’s health. Will they be mad for daring to say this might be a breakdown? Will they actually take him to get tests ran? And if they even tried, would he willingly go? I don’t know. I guess I need a little more advice about how to broach that.
There’s more to address and I even had a consultation with a lawyer today, but I can go into that another time. I’m still processing everything. It still doesn’t feel real, it feels like a badly written teenage fanfic, to be honest.
Idk. Sorry for rambling again, guys. I just wanted to let you know I’m taking notes from your helpful suggestions, that I’m not ignoring you guys. My mother took my son for ice cream and let me stay behind, which is why I decided to hop on Reddit and check on everything.
One last thing, though. The AWARDS, I’m truly humbled and grateful for them. Some of them I had to click on to see what it meant and they’re all so sweet! I’m endlessly thankful for the awards, your comments, and your messages.
Thank you!
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***FINAL*** ***UPDATE*** (added in the update post)
When my ex was served his papers, he did not take it well. I had already blocked him on everything, but he took a picture of his paper and posted it on Facebook, with a message to me and my son. A mutually friend saw it (and that it contained my personal information) and screenshot it to let me know. After taking advice, I called the police to see if it was a break in the ex parte.
They made an incident report and told me I could pick it up the next day at the police station. They didn’t arrest him. My mother had already procured me a great lawyer, “A shark, which is what we need” - in her own words. I told my lawyer about the screenshot and he immediately put in, both his appearance on my behalf, and a motion for contempt of court, for breaking the ex parte and threatening me and my son.
Our original official court date isn’t until next week, but the Judge got us in early to deal with the screenshot. Ex showed up without a lawyer and I showed up with only my lawyer. Due to COVID, no extra people allowed in the court room. I really wanted my mom there with me, but my lawyer (instead of sitting on the bench at the sides, reserved for lawyers) sat by me, kept himself between me and my ex at all times. A bailiff was there as well, I guess it’s standard procedure to have one in court.
My lawyer advised me to let him do all the talking, only answer questions when directed at me and answer them as succinctly as possible. Judge ended up giving Ex a warning, saying if he even mentions me or my son, he’d put him in jail 24 hours for every incident until the official court date. Ex was also ordered to pay my legal fees for the emergency session.
Friday, we got mine and my son’s possessions out of the house with massive help from friends and family. I knew Ex had to work Friday and we arrived (with a police officer, just in case) an hour after Ex should’ve been at work. We left anything that he could claim as his or that we’d bought together and I didn’t care about. Most of the items went into two different storage units, from the same place. The reason we chose these storage units is they’re gated and locked at night. The items me or my son would need for everyday use went to my mom’s.
Ex’s parents HAVE opened my messages now, but they still haven’t responded.
Lawyer said we’re still on for official court date next week and nobody has entered their appearance yet on behalf of Ex, so we’re unsure if he has a lawyer or not. Lawyer told me it’d follow basically the same as the first hearing. It’d be a general hearing, with other people having filed their own ex partes for other people. No extras allowed in the room, face masks required. He’d keep ex away from me. No talking unless answering questions, give succinct answers unless asked to clarify. He’s confident that the ex partes will become permanent restraining orders, but he warned me its not like it is in movies. The restraining orders will go for one year, unless a box is marked saying to re-issue it every year (I marked the box). He also said for every year, Ex has the ability to appeal it and we’d have to go to court all over again.
For now, I’m just... trying to keep my head above water. I’m kinda afraid because I’ve had people message me to tell me they’ve seen my post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Some of you sleuths have even found the state I live in. I’m just hoping Ex doesn’t find any of the posts and puts two and two together.
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to every comment or message and that this update is late. I’ve just been trying to keep my son’s life as normal as possible. It breaks my heart when he asks when we’re going home or where “Papa” is. He just knows we’re having a long sleepover with his Mimi. He’s loving having pets around, though. We weren’t allowed to have animals at my house, so the fact that my mom has a dog and a couple cats, he’s excited. I’ve warned his daycare about Ex. Most of my family and friends are aware there’s a serious situation, but not details.
Idk. It’s been a long week. I’m exhausted. I keep looking over my shoulder and I’ve made my mom buy extra locks for the doors. Some have mentioned cameras for the outside and my mom has already started pricing some. She said her sister (my aunt) has been trying to get her to try RING for months, so this is the kick in the pants she needed.
I’m sorry the update is late. Still feels surreal, but I have to just keep swimming (my son is obsessed with Finding Nemo).
&#x200B;
[PROOF OF OOP'S NEXPLANON IMPLANT](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAArmImpant/comments/ikw65e/proof_of_my_nexplanon_implant_details_redacted/)
[THE EX PARTE OOP FILLED OUT AGAINST HER EX](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAArmImpant/comments/ikwac7/the_ex_parte_i_filled_out_yesterday_that_was/)
[SCREENSHOT OF THE EX'S SNAPCHAT](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAArmImpant/comments/ikwfny/a_mutual_friend_sent_me_this_she_screenshot_this/) | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcu02g/my_fiancé_tried_to_cut_my_implant_out_while_i_was/ | qcu02g | 20,103 | 1,784 | [
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2021-10-21T16:32:43 | SIL says she's pregnant. OP wants her to move out unless she can prove it. | AITA | *This is a* ***Repost***.
OP is [u/redditthrowawa45/](https://www.reddit.com/user/redditthrowawa45/)
&#x200B;
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/prvv8r/aita_for_insisting_my_brothers_girlfriend_proves/)
My (f20) brother (24) has been on and off with his girlfriend (27) for a couple of years now. It’s been the same song and dance, they’re happy for a few weeks, then something small happens, they argue, it gets really nasty, and they make up and back to a loving couple. When i learned my brother got kicked out of his apartment and needed a place to stay i offered him the extra room in my apartment and my brother agreed to pay rent, help with bills, and pitch in with food.
For three months now, she’s been announcing she’s pregnant. She alone will eat a snack box with 50 small bags of chips in a week. i tried to reason with her and get her to cut back (not only from overeating but she was running us low on food) but she insists she and the baby are healthy and it’s just cravings blah blah blah.
Since last month, most of what my parents sends to my house (my mom is a couponer so she bulk shops and give away what she has too much of) my brother’s girlfriend is the first to get into it and a large portion of it is gone by a few days to a week. From a 24 case of monster (the energy drink if you’re not familiar) 8 will be gone in a week from just her.
She eats a hell of a lot of food too, most of which no pregnant woman should be consuming so much of and yes i know all pregnancies are different but words can’t explain how much she eats in one sitting.
So, today i had seen her drinking coffee and after her 2nd cup i asked her if she should be drinking so much and she said her doctor told her it was fine and she had no worries. When i suggested she take on a healthier diet for the baby she just scoffed and walked out.
I went and asked my brother if he’s been to any of her doctor appointments or even seen a positive pregnancy test and he said he didn’t. I confronted her about it and she said she didn’t have to prove anything and started to get defensive. I told her she needed to show a test or some proof of going to the doctor or she needs to move out as she doesn’t help at all.
My brother started defending her and changed his answer from not seeing any proof to seeing her pregnancy test. My parents got word of what i said and my mom says i was in no place to say anything and every woman’s body is different and i wouldn’t know since i’ve never been pregnant. AITA?
Edit: i did talk to her a while ago about getting a job as well as helping out financially and she said she’d start and never has.
Right so based on majority of the comments i overstepped yes but i’m going to go with my gut on this one and give them their 30 days notice and call it a day.
I’ll for sure update you guys in a month (when they’re to be gone) and let you all (who’s interested) know what’s happened by then!
I keep repeating myself let me add my brother knows everything i’ve said (the excessive caffeine, no ultrasound etc). Yes my brother still buys her tampons monthly and i know this because he goes with me when i buy mine. No i was not faking concern by the coffee comment. She drinks 2 cups of coffee a day along with a monster that’s a ton of caffeine.
&#x200B;
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qbxz93/update_aita_for_insisting_my_brothers_girlfriend/)
&#x200B;
Ok so i gave my brother and his girlfriend the 30 days notice and they were to leave this Friday but as of last Friday, i have my place to myself again.
Basically they fed me a bunch of lies since i gave them the 30 days notice. First, it was “she cant get an appointment or an ultrasound because of all of the covid patients”. Then, brother’s gf shows me a sonogram picture from her phone (that i later found on google images). I asked why it was on her phone she said it was emailed to her after her doctors appointment (that she couldn’t get?)
Then my brother brought home baby clothes last week (to sell the lie i guess?) but they weren’t clothes for a newborn, It was a lot of 9-12mo and 2t. When i asked him why none were proper clothes for newborns he said “so he can grow into them” (was told she was pregnant with a girl)
I didn’t bother to ask anymore questions because i knew it was going to be lies on top of lies. Then Friday, i got home to them arguing and at each other’s throats. Eventually i called the cops because they weren’t letting up. At this point they both had come clean with the “truth”.
Brother’s “truth”: His Gf is the reason he was kicked out of his place then she needed a place to stay because her parents kicked her out so she forced him to let her stay in my house by faking being pregnant . He said after the first month he knew she wasn’t pregnant because she got her period but she forced him to keep up the lie so i’d let her stay.
GF’s “truth”: Brother invited her to stay at my place and to make sure i wouldn’t say no he told her to fake a pregnancy and i’d be sympathetic (won’t go into detail but i’m 100% certain that part she said was true) and i wouldn’t question her using tampons as he’ll make up a lie for her. She said he told her to eat up all of the food because it’ll make it all seem legit.
So, that’s about all, i’m still unsure who’s telling the truth but they both got all of their belongings and went their own way (i assume) so it’s not my problem anymore. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcvpth/sil_says_shes_pregnant_op_wants_her_to_move_out/ | qcvpth | 5,480 | 720 | [
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2021-10-21T18:14:01 | Fiance cheated at the start of our relationship and hid it for 9 years | Relationship_Advice | **Disclaimer: I am not OP. This is a repost!**
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q69tlh/fiance_cheated_at_the_start_of_our_relationship/)
Some background info:
I and my GF met at work 9 years ago. At the time we both were 21. It was honestly a perfect relationship and up to this point, I had considered the same. Last year we both got engaged and decided to marry this year. The wedding is on 21st October.
Present situation:
Since we are about to be married, we have a lot of old friends and family visiting us. It was honestly all great. My fiance's college best friend (Sanjal) also came. We were all having a good time, talking about the past and then Sanjal asked me if my fiance has told me about how she was doubtful at the start and continued to go out on dates and sleep with people even though we became exclusive to each other. I do get people to have doubts at the start of the relationship, but it is still cheating. MY fiance got defensive and told her friend to leave. Everything became weird very quickly because she was both crying and screaming and it was all happening in front of her parents.
After a while when she was calm, I asked her what of what to do now, and at first, she tried to downplay it as it was nothing. I did tell her that this wedding is not happening in 2 weeks and we need time to sort things out. After this, she started apologizing and said it was the first 3 weeks when she cheated and that she didn't tell me because she thought it would end our relationship.
I have thought about this a lot and she cheating at the very start isn't my major problem but that she lied about it for years and deceived me. I find that even more concerning and now I wonder what else is she lying about. I don't think I can trust her anymore. Her parents told me that what she did was wrong but all that is in the distant past and if everything else is great I should just forgive and go ahead with the wedding. I do understand their point but I don't know what to do right now. I hate cheaters. Getting cheated and lied to is a horrible feeling.
Trying to get some bird eye view of my situation right now. Should I just go ahead like people are suggsting me or postpone the weeding/ dump her?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qco46p/update_fiance_cheated_at_the_start_of_our/) (Slightly edited)
TLDR: I broke up with her, lost a ton of money on the wedding but feel I did the right thing for myself.
For the most part, I stand exactly where I did before, she lying and hiding her infidelity is the problem more than the act itself. I wouldn't want to get married to someone that I can't entirely trust.
I did try to fix this with her and to be fair she was onboard with restoring the trust that she broke but she also didn't want to postpone/cancel the wedding. I told her I would be willing to work with her if she wished to start from square one. She wasn't a fan of my approach. We did talk about this a lot and tried to compromise where we both could while respecting our own boundaries but things just weren't adding up. Marrying today for me was a % NO while she wanted to go ahead with it. I'll be honest that I felt like she really was trying to make things work and assured me she'd do everything to fix things if we were to get married as planned.
Most of my family thinks I'm being ridiculous and her family most definitely hates me but yall know I don't care, it's my life and if I wasn't happy being lied to I had every right to call everything off.
In the original post, 2-3 commenters called me a narcissist and also said that I wanted the wedding to get canceled which I found very funny. If I respect myself enough to walk away when I feel disrespected and if that makes me a narcissist, I don't mind being one. For others who said I intended on canceling it, like wtf? I put down 30k on this, you think I'll back off just over something minor and lose all that? Don't know about you but for me, that is so much money.
Her friend Sanjal hasn't talked to me since even though I reached out to her. I did get in contact with her husband and he said she is pretty mad at me that I let her be kicked out and humiliated even though she told me something I didn't know and deserved to know. I did explain my position to him that I was in shock atm and didn't know wtf was going on. Hope she can forgive me though because I definitely owe her a thanks.
Out of all this, I have learned not to trust people (relationship wise) just like that and keep an eye out for red flags and take everything with a grain of salt. | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcxv53/fiance_cheated_at_the_start_of_our_relationship/ | qcxv53 | 4,631 | 901 | [
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2021-10-21T18:35:15 | OP argues with his wife because she prefers to sleep with a body pillow | AITA | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d8c3ic/aita_for_arguing_with_my_wife_over_her_preferring/) by u/bodypillowbigfight:*
So my wife gave birth 8 months ago. During he pregnancy she was having trouble sleeping so I bought her a pregnancy body pillow that was a lot more comfortable for her. However even after giving birth she prefers sleeping with the body pillow rather than me. She just says she's used to it and finds it more comfortable to sleep with. Maybe I'm being just being dramatic but it feels like she just doesn't want to sleep with me. I'm often sleeping near the edge of the bed using a separate blanket and I just feel a lot more lonely.
I brought all this up with her and she told me that I'm "being more of a baby than our new born" with all this and to just deal with it. This led to a big fight where we were both yelling at each other. I don't think either of us said anything particularly hurtful but it's not the norm in our relationship to raise our voices like we did and argue for as long as we did.
Outside of this our relationship is more or less fine. I mean I obviously still love her and I'm sure she still loves me.
Basically AITA for starting an argument over something like this?
This is the pillow I bought (removed link since people think I'm trying to sell the pillows lol)-
https://imgur.com/a/fGeD2N0 (Please click this link before commenting, I think some people have misunderstood what I meant as body pillow. The one she has is more like 2 body pillows + a regular pillow)
e: Some people seem to think that I'm jealous of the pillow. This isn't the case. I don't think she loves a pillow more than me. I just would prefer we sleep together and not with a pillow between us.
e2: I didn't think this was relevant but just so you guys know we have a nanny that takes care of the child from Sunday - Thursday. We both take turns on Friday and Saturday nights when we have to so it's not like I'm expecting her to do everything.
Also I am not asking her to cuddle with me all night or let me spoon her or vice versa. I just would like it if there wasn't a pillow between us.
e3: https://imgur.com/a/NXq3PC4 - blue is the pillow
e4: clarifying that the body pillow she has isn't just one long pillow shaped like a "l". Check out the imgur link, it's more "n" shaped.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dm6co4/update_aita_for_arguing_with_my_wife_over_her/):*
So a bit of a weird update since my wife actually saw this thread through her coworker. (e: to clarify, the coworker didn't know that it was about my wife, she was just sharing an interesting thread)
She texted me asking if I was looking to buy a new bed and I said yes without thinking much of it. She then linked me this thread and said we would talk later that night (not in a bad way).
We sat down and she apologized for calling me a baby and I apologized for starting a fight over something so small.
She said that she really enjoys the pillow but we can get rid of it and sleep together instead. I told her this isn't necessary and that I would deal with it but she insisted.
I've ordered her a new body pillow that just covers one side of her that she could put on the opposite side of me so hopefully everyone can be comfortable.
Everything worked out and we have been sleeping together for the past couple weeks now. The new body pillow came in and is on the opposite side of her. She switches between me and the pillow every now and then and it's not a big deal. A lot more comfortable to sleep now too haha.
Thanks to everyone who Pmed me giving me advice as well as those giving advice in the comments.
I tried to emphasize this as much as I could in the comments but seriously my wife and I never fight and this was extremely out of the norm for us.
Everything is good now though and we are going to start doing date nights again on Saturday and it's been going well. Feels more like our relationship when it was just starting out in the "honey moon" period kinda thing.
But yeah, everything's fine now. To be honest it was always fine, this was just a minor thing that some how got blown out of proportion. I barely remember but I think we were both just stressed with work that day so we ended up getting into a silly fight.
Seriously I love my wife so hopefully no judgement by you guys on the one comment she said back then. She's honestly a really good person!
I made an update thread a few weeks back but was a few days early for the minimum and someone commented on the old thread a few days ago so I remembered to repost the update thread today with a few more updates.
Thanks everyone :) | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcyb7g/op_argues_with_his_wife_because_she_prefers_to/ | qcyb7g | 4,717 | 607 | [
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2021-10-21T19:21:39 | AITA for not cleaning up my daughter’s poop? | AITA | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/noshittydiapers
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q2m2hb/aita_for_not_cleaning_up_my_daughters_poop/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I (29F) have always had a tough time dealing with anything that seems gross. When I was a kid I had a dog that crapped in the house on very rare occasions and I would literally gag and almost vomit when cleaning it up. Anything that gives off a strong putrid smell makes my eyes water and throws me into a retching fit. I love kids and do really well with them, but because of my aversion to bad smells and knowing that gross scenarios are common especially among young children, I had resigned to the idea of probably not ever having any of my own.
My husband (31M) and I married two years ago. I have always been upfront with him about my stance on having children and we talked about it plenty of times before getting married. My husband is very much a family man and he assured me that if we *did* have kids, he would have no issue being the one to deal with poopy diapers and things of that nature. After thinking about his offer, I agreed.
Now let me just say, I absolutely love my daughter to pieces. She brings so much joy into my life and she makes me smile and laugh every single day. I change *all* of the pee diapers, I can handle spit up, and I do all of her laundry and bottle cleaning. The one thing I will not do is change her poopy diapers, as per my agreement with my husband.
The other night she had a huge explosion around 2am. I heard her crying on the baby monitor and when I went to check on her, it had gone all the way up her back and into her hair. The mattress cover and the mattress itself were also soiled. I immediately started getting dizzy and my eyes began to burn so I ran and got my husband. After he got her cleaned up, I worked on soothing her and getting her back to sleep, meanwhile my husband began to clean up her crib. Eventually I also fell asleep.
The next morning my husband was in a really sour mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had slept horribly because of the situation from the night before. He then went on a tangent and started to accuse me of not helping enough, and he said that he was sick of being on “poop duty”. I reminded him of our agreement and that I do plenty of other things in regards to taking care of our daughter. We are both still on parental leave and so it’s not like he needed to be up early for work or anything. It’s been a few days but he still has an attitude anytime I ask him to change her poopy diapers. AITA?
EDIT: Ok some of you have suggested that I add in a few things that I’ve discussed in the comment section, so here we go. In a situation where I was alone with my daughter, I absolutely would not let her sit in a soiled diaper. I would change it, obviously. It would probably involve retching and vomiting on my end but I’m not going to have her sitting in filth for hours. If my husband is present, I 100% am going to ask him to handle anything poop related…because that is what he assured me he would do.
I am fine handling vomit, snot, and literally everything else. The poopy diapers elicit a physical response which makes it extremely difficult for me to handle. In addition to that, I do *all* of her bottle cleaning and laundry. I am the one bathing and feeding her 90% of the time, and when she wakes up at night I am usually the first to check on her. Sometimes I will wake my husband up if she has a poopy diaper. However if he hears her crying on the baby monitor, he will not take the imitative in getting out of bed to check on her unless I ask him to.
UPDATE: AITA for not cleaning up my daughter’s poop?
Hi guys, I wanted to jump on here and give you all an update.
After reading through your comments I quickly realized that my aversion to changing my daughter’s poopy diapers is NOT normal. As I mentioned in [my original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q2m2hb/aita_for_not_cleaning_up_my_daughters_poop/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), I had always assumed that I simply have a weak stomach. I have discovered that not to be the case.
A few of you suggested that I seek out therapy to get to the root of this issue. I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with having Sensory Process Disorder coupled with Coprophobia. I’m a little embarrassed sharing this diagnosis, but it is what it is. My psychiatrist suspects that those things together are what result in my severe physical response to poopy diapers.
To quickly summarize, I typically become extremely light headed, will sometimes begin to sweat, and most often will retch uncontrollably which usually results in vomiting.
I haven’t been able to get in to see a therapist for regular appointments yet but this is all in the works. So I wanted to thank those of you who politely suggested that I seek help.
In addition to this, my husband and I are trying our best to work through our issues. Presently, we felt it would be best to spend a few days apart, and my parents are staying with me in the meantime.
A lot of you called me a terrible mother, said I didn’t deserve to have children, or that CPS should take my daughter away. Received quite a few nasty messages as well. I thought these were very disturbing comments to throw at a brand new mother, and I do want to clarify that I would never leave my daughter in a soiled diaper if I were alone with her. Thank you again to anyone who said anything kind or helpful, and I apologize that I wasn’t able to respond to everyone. That’s my update! | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcz9zt/aita_for_not_cleaning_up_my_daughters_poop/ | qcz9zt | 5,694 | 719 | [
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2021-10-21T20:59:50 | OP's girlfriend cheats on him with his brother | Relationship_Advice | Disclaimer: I am not the original poster of this content. This is a repost community.
[My girlfriend of seven years (and best friend for my entire life) cheated on me with my older brother.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qab35b/my_girlfriend_of_seven_years_and_best_friend_for)
I’m 20m. I’ve been dating my girlfriend 19f since we were 13. We were best friends since preschool before that. She’s been involved in every happy memory in my life, every good time. I bought an engagement ring for her. I was going to ask her to marry me on November 1st. Not anymore since i found out she’s been sleeping with my brother 29m. Apparently while I was working overtime this summer (trying to save for a house…and a wedding….and a future FOR HER) she was lonely and needed company. And one day she got to my house before I was done with work and he was over doing laundry. They got to talking and hanging out and then I guess fucking. I have no idea how long this has been going on for, or if it was going to continue to go on if I didn’t find out. I feel like the fucking floor has been pulled out from under me. I don’t know how to process this. But I guess if anyone ones a cheap engagement ring hit me up
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qcy7h4/update_my_girlfriend_of_seven_years_and_best/)
Thanks for all the messages and positive support. I appreciate it.
I dumped my ex obviously. She started crying, saying I was her best friend, she never meant to hurt me. I told her to loose my number and get into therapy. A lot of people were pointing out that the relationship between my brother and ex might be unhealthy bc of the age gap and how he’s know her his entire life. I don’t know or care about any of that, it seems like something her and a therapist should figure out.
A lot of people messaged me asking if I told her/my parents. I really didn’t have a choice since all of them were supposed to be involved in the proposal (we were going to have a party after) I had to tell them why it was off.
Her parents were really mad. Especially her dad, her mom started crying. My parents were pissed too, apparently him and my dad had a pretty explosive fight (I wasn’t there for it, I don’t want to be anywhere around him for a while. But I guess my dad told him he didn’t want him coming to the house for a while.
I found someone to buy the ring for $7500 so I didn’t take much of a hit. Hopefully his relationship will end up better than mine.
I did tell my ex about my plan to propose and I showed her the ring. Idk that might have been petty or rude of me but I guess I wanted her to realize.
Again thanks for everything. I appreciate the advice and encouragement from you all. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qd1ayx/ops_girlfriend_cheats_on_him_with_his_brother/ | qd1ayx | 2,742 | 953 | [
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2021-10-21T21:12:05 | Boyfriend (23M) wants me (23F) to lose weight | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/stresscentral322
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pmw0uu/boyfriend_23m_wants_me_23f_to_lose_weight/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I’m 23 and boyfriend of 5+ years recently told me that he’s not that physically attracted to me anymore. He still loves me but in order to commit to a future he really wants me to lose weight. For reference I’m 5’6 and wear size 4/6 pants and small/medium tops. It seems like while it’s not an ultimatum, he’s not sure if he’s content with me as I am now. He really wants a girl “who has it all” and being super toned/skinny is what I’m missing. He doesn’t want to break up but he just really wants me to lose weight and become how I used to look (110 pounds size 0 or xs because I was swimming 3+ hours a day). While he sometimes feels guilty for asking me of this, he doesn't think his physical attraction is something he can change. In order to commit to a future/think about engagement or marriage, this is something that needs me to work on and achieve.
We were honestly on the path to getting married and this was then revealed. I have no idea what to do. I honestly don’t mind losing some weight, but it’s the fact that my SO at this point prioritizes looks and physical attraction so much that he doesn’t know if he could stay with me because I’m size 4/6 because he’s 23 and wants a girl who “has it all”. Is this what love is? I'm so lost on if this is normal/something I should be understanding of. Would love some advice.
[UPDATE] Boyfriend (23M) wants me (23F) to lose weight
Original Post: [Boyfriend (23M) wants me (23F) to lose weight : relationship\_advice (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pmw0uu/boyfriend_23m_wants_me_23f_to_lose_weight/)
It's been about a month since I came to this subreddit seeking advice as to how I should proceed in my 5+ year relationship with my best friend and boyfriend at the time. To briefly recap, we have been best friends for about a decade and started dating at age 17. We were discussing getting engaged next spring when he revealed that he no longer finds me nearly as physically attractive as he used to since he's only really attracted to very skinny or toned women. Although I workout 4-5 times a week and eat decently healthy, my body type is no longer what it used to be as a competitive swimmer who swam 3+ hours a day even though I am in healthy BMI (typical size 4/6). I loved him unconditionally and was willing to put in a lot of work to make him happy and our relationship work. However, I realized that when he told me this ultimatum that I needed to either become his ultimate physique or he wants to find someone else, my relationship was becoming something I couldn't recognize. After reading the feedback everyone provided to me here on reddit and in my personal life, I realized that his love was likely never unconditional, and he was willing to throw away his best friend/girlfriend of 5+ years to seek greener (in this case skinnier) grass.
I proceeded to calmly discuss my thoughts with him shortly after the post, and unfortunately, he really seemed to be uninterested in the discussion, replying in short responses sometimes hours apart. During one of our discussions where I was trying to understand his thoughts more, he actually left to attend a pool party while I sat and cried embarrassingly hard at the reality of how unlovable I was. When we next spoke, he told me he had nothing to think over, and that his attraction was something he can't change so either I essentially lose X amount of body fat or he would like to start over. When I discussed how fragile his version of love seemed, how conditional his commitment was, how truly little he seemed to value our history and time together, it was met with simply silence and "I can't change my attractions, and while you might not value physical appearance, I just do." He seemed so certain that his view of love was equally as valid that I really didn't even know how to carry out the conversation. I loved and wanted him unconditionally, and he only wanted me at a certain body fat percentage. He saw nothing flawed with his logic, and at the end, I had to break my own heart and walk away.
It's been a 5 weeks of absolutely no contact now, and I found out later that he actually met and started talking/dating another girl about 1.5 weeks after we broke up. When I thought the cuts couldn't get any deeper, he showed me just how capable he was of hurting me. I have hundreds if not thousands of unanswered questions because the person he has shown me this past month is someone I absolutely cannot recognize. I have no idea who he is at all, and how someone who I spent almost half of my life with is so capable of hurting me. He shared with our friends that he now finally feels free, and he never wants to come back to this. With this in mind, I deleted our 2000+ pictures yesterday - the final memories of us.
It's mind numbing to know that after trying to be everything I could for my partner these past 5 years, this is how everything came crashing to an end. My love was almost weaponized against me as he walked away to happily start over in a matter of weeks. In some ways, I want to thank him for hurting me more than I ever thought was possible, because otherwise, I would've married him and spent the rest of my life caring for him and trying to make us happy. So I thank him for finally taking off the mask and showing me just how capable he was of hurting the person he not so long ago called home and safe place. Sometimes I lay awake at night, because I honestly don't know how he falls asleep knowing what he did and continues to do.
Thank you reddit for all of your advice! You helped me make the hardest decision of my life. Onto healing myself now, and I would love any tips. It's been kind of hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
TLDR: Broke up with boyfriend after realizing how shallow his version of love was. Turns out I was replaced in a couple weeks. Time to move on now :) | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qd1k5m/boyfriend_23m_wants_me_23f_to_lose_weight/ | qd1k5m | 6,120 | 787 | [
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2021-10-21T21:41:12 | Stepdaughter cut us off | parenting | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: [u/Brilliant\_Koala9989](https://www.reddit.com/user/Brilliant_Koala9989/)
[stepdaughter cut us off](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/pn8eqw/stepdaughter_cut_us_off/)
Hello Reddit. I made this throwaway account because I wasn’t sure what to do in this situation. I married my husband when my stepdaughter (now 23) was 6 years old. We then had a son when she was 10 and a daughter when she was 14. She used to come over every weekend because her mother had custody during the week. We tried to be a part of her life as much as we could, even when her mother had her, but with our kids, it was very busy.
She struggled with the arrangement, but definitely internalized it because she was very well behaved. When her mother died as a senior, she came to live with us full-time
When she went to college, things changed. She seemed to be anxious when she came home on school holidays and was distant.
On the day she graduated college she wrote my husband a letter, and we were completely shocked by it.
“Dear dad,
I have struggled a lot with my feelings all these years, and have recently been able to verbalize them with the help of the therapist available at school. I get that you and mom didn’t want to be with each other anymore, but I could never understand why you only wanted to see me two days a week. When I got a little older I understood that thats what happens in divorce, but I thought you would still want me after. I used to tell myself that you just didn’t want to be a dad, but that was just not true after Nick was born. Then I tried to rationalize my feelings saying that maybe you did not want a daughter, which Is why you wanted to be with him all the time, but not me. When Vanessa was born, I saw how much you loved her and thought that maybe I was a problem. As I entered high school, I tired so hard to impress you—taking all the hardest classes and doing well, being involved in soccer because you loved soccer, and having a job. It never seemed to be enough. When I went to college, and met my friends, it felt more like home than it ever felt with you. I have struggled with my feelings with self-love and its affected a lot of my relationships and thats when I started seeing the therapist at school. I love you very much and want you to be happy, but it hurts that I was never a part of your life the way your other kids were. Please give me space."
My husbands heart has been broken, and I have been upset too. She still speaks to our kids. We had no idea she felt this way, and miss her.
What should we do?
\[apologies I initially missed this update in the initial posting\]
edit: thank you for your comments and advice. Her dad is going to write her a letter. She is coming here in 2 weeks for my nieces wedding and we are a little nervous about how she will feel after seeing us
[update: stepdaughter cut us off](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/pptdey/update_stepdaughter_cut_us_off/)
Thank you all for your advice. I feel terrible for my part in making her feel unloved.
Her dad (been working on my language) is writing a letter back to her, and is going to keep editing it before he sends to her. He wants to to send it to her before the wedding in case it helps her feel better about seeing us/helps create better boundaries if she doesn’t. He basically told her that she loves her so much and that he didn’t know how much he could love until she was born. He regrets not fighting for her and mistaking her silence and perfectionism as independence instead of realizing that she didn’t feel good enough. He understands if she doesn’t want to see him anymore, but was going to be a better and more attentive father if she feels comfortable letting him in. He apologizes for not handling her mother’s death better and helping her through the pain. He apologized for letting her work through college when he could have supported her with extras. He said that he was proud of the articulate hardworking, kind, and determined woman she grew Into and was sorry that he didn’t do his job as a father to raise her into being this person. He is going to ask her if she feels comfortable speaking to him at the wedding/going out to dinner with him when she comes home. If not, he promises to keep his distance and wait until she’s ready if she chooses to see him.
I am also going to apologize, because as her stepmother, I did have the duty to protect her and make sure she felt safe, loved, and comfortable, but I am waiting for her dad and her to fix their relationship first.
edit: he sent to her as an email, and she responded. She agreed to meet, but didn't want to meet anywhere public. She said she might change her mind about seeing him. She actually said she would meet both of us, but did not want the younger kids to be there. She also said that she's bringing her boyfriend wants grandparents to be there. MIL and FIL called and said that we could meet at their home, if meeting at ours would be too much for her.
[update 2: stepdaughter cut us off](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/px9iwf/update_2_stepdaughter_cut_us_off/)
wedding was on the weekend. SD met her dad for dinner when she was here. He told her everything he said in the letter again and offered to pay for therapy. he told her that hurting her was the biggest mistake of his life and that he’d never stop trying to show her how much he loves her.
he told me that she told him that seeing him was a mistake and that it was too much and she doesn’t know how he can. She said she’s so tired of putting in effort and physically cannot anymore. He told her that he was the parent and it was his job to support her and that she doesn’t have to try and impress him because he is so proud of her and will be no matter what. She said that she just doesn’t get how its all going to work.
and that she started crying. her boyfriend was there and got mad at my husband and asked if he was done hurting her. they left and my husband came home really upset.
He has been watching home videos of her as a little girl on repeat and is really distant
We both feel hopeless. How is this going to work
edit: thank you for being kind here. Some responses on the stepparents sub are really breaking my heart a little
[Stepdaughter let me take care of her](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/qcwixf/stepdaughter_let_me_take_care_of_her/)
For those of you who know my story (can see post history), you know that we have been struggling with my stepdaughter who we have made to feel inadequate. Her dad has been doing a much better job and reaching out to her and she has been more receptive to him. She is still very hesitant, but is making more conversation
Sadly, she went through something terrible in her relationship, and when her dad asked her what was going on in her life, she told him about it. He asked if he could go visit her and spend the weekend so that she wouldn't be alone, but she asked to come home instead. She called our house home!! Of course he said yes and we were a bit nervous and upset she was having a difficult time. Her siblings were excited to see her, and so were her dad and I.
When she came home, she let me hug her and french braid her hair after she showered. I also brushed her hair and tried new hairstyles on her when she was a little girl so it was very special to me that she allowed me to have this moment with her. She helped me bake a cherry pie too!
She spent a lot of time with her dad and did a really big puzzle with her siblings
I think we might be ok. I think she is slowly coming back to us, | asakurasol | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qd256k/stepdaughter_cut_us_off/ | qd256k | 7,632 | 1,789 | [
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2021-10-22T05:08:17 | My entire family despises my fiancé and I have to choose between them and her. Is there something I am not seeing here and is my fiancé manipulating me? + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q23ylc/my_entire_family_despises_my_fianc%C3%A9_and_i_have_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/ThrowRAbf6689
I met my fiancé when I was at a very low point in my life. We instantly clicked and had a whirlwind romance- I proposed after three months and we are now engaged.
I feel like my family has never approved of her or particularly liked her. They are all very educated and work professional jobs, while she is a college dropout who works as a hostess. She is starting a venture of her own and I am funding it for her.
The problem started with my sister in law and my brother. They told me that 3 months was too quick and that I should date her for longer. They have also implied that she is a gold digger (they never used the term; they said this because she doesn’t financially contribute). My fiancé isn’t particularly fond of my SIL- SIL is very rich and successful and fiancé thinks that she is snobbish.
The problem escalated when there was a family wedding and my fiancé wasn’t invited. She is of a different race, so she accused my family of being racist and said this to my parent’s face. My parents never expressed an opinion about her but that was their ticking point. My SIL and brother added to this, and told them about my financial contributions to her ventures and other details about her relationship.
My parents said that I am making the wrong decision. I told my fiancé this and she lashed out. She messaged my SIL and told her that she is a horrible person for trying to wreck our relationship. My SIL once again communicated this to my parents, and they have refused to pay for and attend the wedding.
My fiancé says that her family will accept me with open arms, and that we can get married in city hall. She accused my parents of being being elitist and said that they only like my SIL because she’s educated and of the same race.
I love my fiancé but I feel like she’s trying to manipulate me into cutting all ties. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to reach a point of no return with my family. Any advice will be appreciated.
[They have been only dating for 5 months, engaged for 2 months.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q23ylc/comment/hfiov54/)
[OP comments that this woman hasn't allowed him to meet her family, and accuses him of having second thoughts when he mentions the fast pace.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q23ylc/comment/hfipkp1/)
[She tells OP that getting a pre-nup is "against her culture".](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q23ylc/comment/hfiswcb/)
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qd1yh7/update_my_entire_family_despises_my_fianc%C3%A9_and_i/)
Well, we broke up. A lot of the comments echoed what my family was saying but the outside perspective drilled it into my head. I have a good relationship with my parents and my SIL is actually one of my best friends. Just to clarify from the previous post, I’ve never thought they were racist or snobbish- it was an idea my ex was forcing into my head.
The break up was very messy. I told her that I thought we were going too fast and that it wasn’t working out, and she began crying and implied that she would kill herself. I could see the manipulation clearly for the first time and I just told her that it is above my pay grade and that she should seek professional help for this.
Now for all the money I invested in her business. Well, it was a mistake and I’m just considering it a sunk cost. It did hurt my pockets, but recovering it will just tangle more webs.
Thank you so much for all the advice- it helped me avoid a grave mistake. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qd9u3a/my_entire_family_despises_my_fiancé_and_i_have_to/ | qd9u3a | 3,769 | 1,273 | [
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2021-10-22T05:43:30 | AITA for not allowing my daughter to get a makeover at a birthday party? | AITA | This is a repost. The OP is u/Individual-Inside-23
[AITA for not allowing my daughter to get a makeover at a birthday party?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mgjxvp/aita_for_not_allowing_my_daughter_to_get_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
This happened last year.
Because of actions my parents did when I was a kid I do not allow my daughter, Maisie (F5), to play with make-up. When I was a kid my parents fucked up my self confidence and self worth by convincing me the only way I'd ever find love or success was if I was pretty. At 8 my mom started perming my hair. By 13 I was getting highlights. By 14 she was having my brows waxed. At 16 she convinced me I needed a nose job or the boys would never like me. Around 15 she was reminding me to wear lipstick and something pretty in case any boys saw me. For years I defined my own worth based on whether or not I was pretty. It took years to repair that damage. I swore I'd never do that to my kids.
Maisie's classmate "Anna" had her 5th birthday party and Maisie was invited. The party was dance-club themed but there were also activity stations set up as well. Build your own cupcake, make your own crayons, make your own clay sculpture, finger painting, etc, and one of the stations was profession party makeup. Anna's parents had hired three professional stylists to give the girls fun makeover and do things to their hair like temporary color dye and clip-in extensions for curls and such. My Maisie, while enjoying toys and clothes from both sections of the store, is mostly a girly-girl and she's always been curious about makeup. She sees those kid-friendly sets at the store or is sometimes gifted them by relatives and she wants to play with them but I don't allow it. When Maisie is a teenager she and I will discuss makeup and how to use it properly and when I believe she's mature enough to wear it and not let beauty define her I will let her wear it. And, once she's 18 she can do whatever she wants.
The stylists required parental consent before doing anything so Maisie came and asked me if she could have her makeup done and her hair fixed. I said no and explained why. Maisie took it well and in a moment her favorite song came on and her friends took her away to dance and eventually the matter was forgotten. Maisie enjoyed the party and we went home happy.
But, through the other parents, word got around that I refused to let Maisie get her makeup done and now the other parents are calling me some crazy helicopter mom who is trying to control her kids. Apparently they think that it was an asshole move to make Maisie go without a makeover when most of the other girls (it was an all-girl party) had their makeup done.
Now its gotten back to my husband and he said he agrees that Maisie doesn't need makeup every day but surely I could have let her wear it at the party and washed it off when the party ended. We didn't fight, but he told me that if he'd been there he'd have thought I was being controlling, too.
Was I an asshole for not letting Maisie get her makeup done?
EDIT: I've gotten really good answers here and also a good dose of humility and bluntness. I realize now that I'm unhealthy projecting my own trauma on Maisie and I have some work to do on myself. So, I will be making a phone call to my therapist and getting back into that, and I've just placed an order on Amazon for a makeup set for little kids. When it gets here, Maisie and I (and daddy, if he wants to join in) will spend an evening with the TV off, phones off, learning about makeup and also how beauty can make us feel powerful and confident. | MakingWickedBacon | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdab1h/aita_for_not_allowing_my_daughter_to_get_a/ | qdab1h | 3,659 | 708 | [
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2021-10-22T12:24:29 | Dad [48 M] is really into Pokemon Go and I [18 F] am not sure if its getting out of hand or not. | Relationships | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4ylr0k/dad_48_m_is_really_into_pokemon_go_and_i_18_f_am/) by u/dadlovespkmngo:*
A day after Pokemon GO came out, I made an account and got right into it, since I'm an avid Pokemon fan and video game lover. My dad, who mind you, thinks video games are a massive waste of time and has no interest in them, saw me playing and decided to download the app for himself. For the next couple weeks, it was fun to have something new to talk with him about and relate to. We would even go out to dinner together and walk around the local outdoor mall to catch pokemon on weekends. However, my interest in the game diminished over time as it got repetitive and fun features were removed. These days I dont go out of my way to play it, and am satisfied with opening it up once in a while at home or when we're out to see if theres anything of interest.
Conversely, my dad's interest in the game has gone up greatly over time. While he originally started a few levels behind me, he is now a couple levels ahead of me, with much stronger Pokemon. I think it's great that he's enjoying the game and has a new hobby, but it's starting to feel like a bit much to me and my mom. For example, my dad works from home right now and has quite a bit of free time in his day. He goes to our local gym which is no more than a 15 min drive away, and ends up spending 3 HOURS there. He goes to the gym almost daily. He talks about all the pokemon he caught in the area and has mentioned to me that he drives to get to more pokestops in the area. A few days ago, we went to Home Depot together to pick up and return some items, and on the way, he wanted to show me the route he uses to go to the gym. We got off on the exit between our house and the exit that goes to home depot and spent a half hour minimum for him to drive around slowly while I used all the pokestops in the area for both of our phones. Usually, my mom and dad go for a walk at night together with our dog. However, my mom has chronic pain in her legs, so she has to avoid walking too quickly, otherwise it will hurt. Last night, my dad was busy walking and evolving pokemon during their nightly walk. He was going too fast for my mom and wasn't paying attention, so she came home.
Today, she told him (after he came back from another 3 hours at the gym) that it seemed like he was getting addicted to the game and he should probably cut down on his time playing. He got defensive and said that its fine because he's walking (I dont get this since he ends up driving a lot to get to places..) and its just "something to do to make other activities better." He also said that he wants my mom to get into it so he can play with her, especially since im really losing interest. He also brings it up in at least 50% of the conversations me or my mom have these days, and I'm honestly just sick of hearing him talk about it and ask questions. Sometimes he asks me so many questions about the game that I struggle to keep my self from snapping and telling him I don't really feel like answering and he should go look it up himself. I feel bad though, because I know this is something he really wants me to bond with him over.
I feel almost hypocritical posting about this because I spend a lot of time playing video games. However, I make it to point to only game in my free time, and not while I'm running errands, during the school day, etc. It just seems like its becoming too invasive in his life and interfering with the other things he does. Overall, I would just like some opinions on whether this sounds like an issue, or if I should just let him have his fun and leave him alone.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/63ws2e/update_dad_48_m_is_really_into_pokemon_go_and_i/):*
Hey Guys! It's been a while, but I remembered this post by chance yesterday and decided to follow up.
A lot of people in the original post said that he would likely lose interest within the next couple months. Well, here we are 7 months later, and he's still playing. The thing is, he got my mom to start playing with him! I pretty much never play now, but they have a great time playing together. My mother started in December, but she's already passed me in level and I think she has more Pokemon registered in her pokedex than my dad. I also haven't heard her complain about her foot pain in a while, so I don't think that should be an issue now. He has also stopped asking me so many questions and wanting that to be our only conversation topic, but that's probably also because he is now as experienced in the game as I am, if not more.
Over the weekend, we all went out for dinner, and were walking around the outside mall while waiting for our table to be ready. My mom whispered a little "Omg!" and showed us that there was a Tyranitar right across the street. For those who don't know, it's an extremely rare pokemon, and I think the most powerful one in the game right now, barring a legendary. We were all able to catch it :) That's really all there is to say, and I think I was just worried that it would devolve into something addictive and unhealthy. But I see now that it's a fun little activity for the both of them, and I am glad we are all able to bond through it.
tl;dr: Dad still plays PoGo, got my Mom to play too. Now they're having fun together and working to catch 'em all. | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdfsf8/dad_48_m_is_really_into_pokemon_go_and_i_18_f_am/ | qdfsf8 | 5,449 | 804 | [
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2021-10-22T14:00:24 | My (29f) parents ghosted me 5 years ago after my wedding and now reached out. What do I do? | Relationship_Advice | **Disclaimer: I am not OP. This is a repost!**
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qbybwq/my_29f_parents_ghosted_me_5_years_ago_after_my/)
TLDR; I'm married to my former boss. Parents did not take the marriage as well as I'd hoped and ignored me for 5 years, only to reach out when they saw a 5th anniversary facebook post that mentioned our kids. Do I let them back in, or do I ignore them?
My husband (30m) used to be my boss. About 9 years ago I started working as his assistant. We spent about 2.5 years ignoring our mutual attraction until we gave in. We then went to HR, who reassigned me, and the whole thing was strictly above board from the time we began dating. I got pregnant about a year later, and my husband and I decided to just get married. While we'd only really been dating for about 1.5 years, we knew each other completely, loved each other, lived together, and there was a baby on the way. We knew how it would look, but I had to leave the company anyway due to problems with my new boss, so we didn't anticipate this causing any issues, except with my parents.
They (62m/57f) have always been overprotective, so I knew they wouldn't like me dating my boss, and hadn't told them, but I had to tell them if I wanted them at my wedding. We decided to be mostly honest with them, about how it was strictly professional until it wasn't, how the second it got unprofessional we went to HR, how he had never taken advantage of me, but now we wanted to get married and we wanted them there. We did not mention the baby, because I felt that giving them that information in addition to the rest all at once would just break them. I was only about 4 months along when the wedding happened, so the bump was easily hidden by a flowy dress.
The wedding itself went off without a hitch, and apart from my mother pulling me into the bathroom shortly before the ceremony to ask if I was sure about this, which I said I was, my parents seemed to take it well. The ceremony and reception were at 2 different venues, and we had to travel from one to the other, and my parents never arrived at the reception. I called them and got ignored, and then my brother called them and they told him that they were going home. I don't remember the exact reason they gave but it amounted to them being tired and uncomfortable. I tried contacting them after the wedding, but found that I was blocked on everything except email, which I used to send them a long letter essentially saying that I'm an adult who made an adult choice and I hope they can respect that.
5 years later, I have not heard from my parents since my wedding. My husband and I are not big on social media in general but I recently posted something for our 5th anniversary in which I mentioned our 2 kids and third on the way. Within a month of making this post, my parents left a voicemail saying they saw the post, and, having had no idea that they had grandchildren previously, now want to meet them. I haven't responded and there have been a few follow ups since then asking why I haven't.
I don't know what to do, but my gut instinct is that 5 years is too long, and it's about the kids, not about them respecting my choices or relationship. However, I can't help but feel that I'm being unfair, and my brother agrees, because I told them in my email that if they could learn to respect my choice and my marriage eventually, then we could talk, and now I'm retroactively applying a time limit.
Edit: can't find a way to work this in organically but my husband is not white. I am, as are my parents. I don't think this is a race thing or that my parents are racist, and neither does my husband, and we don't understand why they would want to meet our mixed race children if they were racist, but this element is still gnawing at me.
Should I reach out to them? If I did, how would we go about rebuilding the relationship?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qdfsx0/update_i_29f_spoke_to_my_parents_who_ghosted_me_5/)
TLDR; They're racists.
I asked to talk yesterday. We were on zoom within an hour. It was my parents and me and my husband. They asked to see the kids, and I said they could see them eventually, dependant on them earning our trust and convincing us they were going to be positive additions to the kids' lives.
They asked to start by reading me a letter that they claimed to have written on my wedding day. It said that they were uncomfortable with me marrying my former boss as they thought he took advantage of me, so they left between the wedding and reception to avoid a scene, but they wanted me to know they were here for me despite their issues with him. They added that they would have sent this to me the morning after my wedding, but then I sent my email about them needing to respect my choices, and they were so ashamed they couldn't bring themselves to send theirs. Seeing my anniversary post made them realise how much they've missed in 5 years and they really don't want to miss any more.
I had some questions, like what the big deal was with me marrying my former boss, and they said that it just wasn't what they had in mind for my wedding day and my future spouse. I asked why they even came to the wedding at all if they didn't support the marriage, and my dad responded that he wanted to walk his daughter down the aisle as it was the only chance he'd get. The way it was phrased implied that they had intentionally only come to the wedding so he could give me away, and always planned to leave halfway, and because he said "my daughter", and didn't talk to me directly, it was pretty clear he was thinking about my older sister, who passed away. My husband caught that, too, and said that if they were talking about me, they should address me directly, then added that if they had planned to leave they should have told us as we wouldn't have invited them, and the fact they waited 5 years to reach out was going to take more reasons than shame as, as a father, he didn't understand how they could ignore their daughter for years, or only get back in touch when we had kids.
My dad snapped that he wasn't going to take this from a "cushi", a slur meaning dark skinned. My mother immediately tried to run damage control but I ended the call. They have since messaged me several times trying to explain that calling my husband a racial slur wasn't indicative of a racist attitude, and he wouldn't have said that in front of the kids, so they should still get to meet them.
I've spent 5 years wondering how they were so offended by me marrying my boss that it earned no contact for half a decade. Turns out they're just racist. It's almost nice to find out. If it was just the boss thing I would have sympathy for them and we might even be able to reconcile, but with this, it's now just a question of if I'm going to knowingly expose my mixed race children to a couple of racists, which I am obviously not going to do. | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdhkdf/my_29f_parents_ghosted_me_5_years_ago_after_my/ | qdhkdf | 6,986 | 5,771 | [
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2021-10-22T15:00:12 | Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad. | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost. I am not the original poster. This is from u/throwawaynocollege01/
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ca66sv/mom_had_an_affair_18_years_ago_i_18m_am_the/)
Pretty much the title. I have no idea how to process all this, and I am completely unprepared for what lies ahead :(
Both my older brother and sister went to the same college. My brother graduated two years ago, my sister is set to graduate in two years. Both had their college paid by our dad. Dad paid all their college expenses, including rent, food, their cars, pocket money, you name it.
My brother has a job now, his own place, lives together with his fiancee, and has his life together.
My sister already has a good paying job, and my dad still pays for almost everything for her.
I got accepted to the same college, which was always the plan, and was looking forward to talk with my parents about the next steps, and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings. I always assumed they had money put aside for my college the way they had for my siblings.
Instead I was met with a story about my mom's cheating, how I am the result of her cheating, and how my dad is not willing to support me any more moving forward.
Dad told me that mom had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future, but obviously she never did. He said it was never is place to say anything since I am not his son, and didn't want to interfere with mom's parenting.
Apparently my grandparents know I am not dad's biological son, but they haven't bothered to tell me anything either.
My siblings had no idea, and they are as surprised as I am because there was never a hint of anything being off. I might be naive, but I always thought I had a great relationship with my dad. We go to see sports together, we go fishing together, he tutored me when I had difficulties with math (dad is an engineer), he taught me to drive. I never got a hint he stores resentment towards me. I mean, he gave me my name, and has explained what my name means, and he was very proud of it. It's a story he tells from time to time. He likes to talk about stuff like that about me.
My mom has never said a word about anything, and apparently she was supposed to have "the talk" with me, but she never did.
I feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead. I am not even sure I will be able to go to college any more, I always assumed my parents will pay for it. I never had a job, and I am not sure what job I can even get to support me through college, I have no idea how to apply for loans.
All my mom has done is cry and apologize. But nothing of substance, she has no idea how to help me.
I don't even know if I am welcomed home any more, it's all up in the air, I feel shame leaving my room, and if I will be asked to move out I don't know where to go. I don't have any savings, maybe $400 put together.
I am angry at my mom, I am confused about where I stand with my dad. There's a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel rejected and I have no idea what to do to fix this situation.
Anyone have any idea what to do here?
Do I apologize to my dad? What do I say to him?
Idk, I've been stuck in my room these past few days, reading and browsing reddit. I have no idea what to do.
-
Edit: Comments are coming in faster than I can reply, but I am making a list with all the advice about financial aid, health insurance, getting my own phone plan, etc, things I didn't even think about before. Thank you everyone.
I will try to answer as much as I can, but there's more comments than I can handle.
Update:
Sorry to disappear, nothing bad happened to me.
Managed to talk with my mom yesterday, but I chickened out half way through what I had to say :(
The good news is that I am not being kicked out, or disowned, etc.
Thank you for all your support, everyone, I will follow through and call financial aid at my college in a few hours, and take it from there.
My grandpa had a stroke a week ago, and my dad is helping my grandma with setting up a live in nurse, so he wasn't around yesterday.
I will let you know how I manage.
Thank you again.
Update 2:
Sorry for not updating, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
Nothing happened to me, but my situation is a secondary concern right now. Regardless, I think I will be alright, thanks to your amazing support and help.
My sister is aware of everything, and told me not to worry, she has my back and I have her support.
I promise to update when and if there are any significant changes, right now I need to support my grandma.
Thank you again to everyone.
Update 3:
Hey guys, and update has already been posted here. Please don't message me so angrily any more.
[Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ccpwcu/update_mom_had_an_affair_18_years_ago_i_18m_am/)
I am not sure if it's what's you want to hear, but things are more or less back to a "normal" state, if you consider other events.
Unfortunately, my grandpa died at the beginning of this week, and I am still processing it.
I did manage to talk with both my mom and dad, and I know where I now stand in relation with them, as well as my siblings.
I am not sure I would have had the courage to say what I had to say if not for the amount of help and advice in the comments.
I think it is safe to say both my parents love me, and what happened two weeks ago was an overreaction to a fight between my parents. It makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not aware of my own environment, but a stranger in the comments can tell me what's happening in my life with only a few lines of text from my side. A lot of comments were spot on about what is happening in my life.
I have so far went through 40% (I estimate) of the comments, but I have given up, there are too many for me to keep up with.
The conclusion is that I am definitely going to college, it will be the college I have always wanted to go to, and I will have the same experience as my siblings. The money to pay for all this already exists, my family is not going bankrupt as suggested, my dad just had a mental breakup with all the issues around my grandpa and his fight with my mom.
Even if my dad would have went through with his decision, my grandma let me know my grandpa left me and my siblings a sum we will have to split between the three of us, but enough to put me through college.
What started the entire scandal was poor timing on my part, my parents just had a fight, and then I showed up "hey, pay for my college".
My parents were talking about us, their children, and mom said something to the lines of "to think you wanted to split up when I came back pregnant", or something like that, I was not there, this is what she told me. I guess dad was talking how proud he was of his children, and mom wanted to express her "gratitude" for dad raising me as his own, and dad took it as "the affair was the best decision I ever made" or something like that. And their fight escalated from there, and mom told dad something like "what makes you think any of them are yours".
Yeah, it went downhill from there fast. Shortly after that my dumb face showed up, and here I am.
Dad and mom have since made up, mom is still a mess, dad is not handling my grandpa's passing away too well either.
I did talk with my siblings, and my sister raised a storm and rode it here while blasting my parents on the phone, ha ha. My brother was calmer, but made his feelings known in no uncertain terms as well once he got back home.
My grandpa passing away sort of kept spirits calm, I guess, and shifted the focus to dealing with that.
Reading the comments was a mind opening experience. I felt unprepared for the world out there. Many have asked how I had no idea how to apply for loans or grants. Well, in my defense, when you go year after year after year knowing you have nothing to worry about, that your college as good as paid for already, you don't really have to worry about anything else. Of course I knew there are loans and other things students have to be aware of, but it didn't apply to me.
I went from "I am going to college, can't wait" to "you're not my son and I will not pay for your college" in less than 24 hours.
Others have been prepared for this, at the very least they knew they had to get a loan, or get a job, look for a place to live, and so on. For me it was a sudden change in reality.
Going through the comments I managed to put a list together with various "tips and tricks", what jobs are available for students, how to find a place to live, how to get a credit card, a bank account, a cell phone plan, and so on. Really good stuff that I think, even after the return to normal, will help me.
My parents have been called more names then they go by, and that was uncomfortable to read, and I haven't even read all comments. I can't even imagine what else lies in the comments, waiting.
Dad is very sorry, apologetic, about his reaction and behavior. I understand his reaction, but I still feel hurt by it. I understand he was not in the best place of mind, but I can't control my feelings either. We will be alright, and this hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship.
Mom hasn't handled everything that well. But she is coming around, and she answered some more questions for me.
When mom had an affair years ago, and got pregnant with me, my parents started divorce. Mom moved in with the man she had the affair with, but after a few months that guy decided he wants nothing to do with it. He kicked mom out, and she had nowhere to go. So my grandparents took her in, because she was still the mother of their nephews grand kids (I am getting a lot of heat for this "mistake", but know in my family's culture, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well). Mom and dad got back together, after a lot of work, dad took me as his own, and that's my life since then.
The man who is my natural father is not in the picture any more. Dad didn't really know who he is, and mom hasn't heard or seen him ever since. He was fully aware mom was pregnant with his child, I guess he had more important things to do. But it doesn't sound like he was about to cure world hunger, she met him in a bar, not at a fund raiser.
And I don't feel a need to know any more about who he is. I thought about the matter the last two weeks, since I've been aware of everything, and haven't really felt a desire to know who he is, where he is, if he is still alive, if I have other siblings out there.
I was suggested to go and buy a DNA kit from 23andme, maybe I can find him that way, but I think I will avoid doing this specifically so I don't find him or he finds me. As far as I care, I have a mom and dad and a brother and a sister, and that's my family.
Moving forward I do plan of getting a job, and becoming more independent, but not in an attempt to distance myself from my family, but to feel like I would not be lost in the world if my family suddenly disappears.
My mom admits I've been babied way more than my siblings, and that they should have prepared me more for what's coming next.
I did learn where I stand with my family, and it's safe to say that I am loved, and I have options. I thought I am isolated, but my world is wider than I thought. Grandparents, siblings, my aunt, my cousins, all have my back.
I think my parents are human, and they make mistakes, and even though this was not their greatest moment, I think I will look at everything as nothing more than a weak moment in an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Thank you.
Edit: in my family's cultural background, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well. Stop calling me names, it was not a mistake, please. | Travel-Kitty | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdir8a/mom_had_an_affair_18_years_ago_i_18m_am_the/ | qdir8a | 11,798 | 1,132 | [
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2021-10-22T15:07:49 | My (57F) daughter (30F) is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding! Feel like a bad parent | Relationships | *This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!*
ORIGINAL by u/wantownlife
Mood: >!our spoiled brat turned out to be a spoiled brat!!<
[***My (57F) daughter (30F) is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding! Feel like a bad parent***](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1zfx4p/my_57f_daughter_30f_is_getting_married_for_the/)
>I should start by saying that my daughter is an only child. She has always been our "princess," so to speak, and she's received everything material that a girl could ask for. Before you criticize my husband (her father) and I for spoiling her, we DO realize that we shouldn't have given her everything from a young age but we didn't know any better back then. And we had the money, we're quite well off - so we figured why not support our only child?
>
>My husband owns his own business and I am a schoolteacher. Together we make decent money, and I am looking to retire in the near future. When we first started out I stayed at home and my husband worked an office job, and so my daughter has been pampered with all of my attention and her father's support. She is now going to be married for the third time in her short life. Her only job is occasionally supply teaching in the same school board I work at, so she doesn't have much of a big career yet but I do hope she will find work.
>
>I'll spare you the long of it. She married her high school boyfriend at 22 years old, and they divorced less than two years later in a bitter fight. The wedding was lavish, as it was her first and we truly believed that they would make it work. I guess my husband and I also saw through rose-coloured glasses since we were married very young as well, and are approaching our 35th anniversary. My husband and I pitched in around $25,000 for the wedding ceremony and reception, and perhaps another $3,000 for their honeymoon to Europe.
>
>The second time she was proposed to by another man she was dating, he was a hard-working blue collar man but his family didn't have much money. Again she asked if we could help out with her wedding, that it was true love this time around. We met the man and he was a stand-up, wholesome person and so, a year after that, my daughter (then 27) was married to this second husband. We paid for most of the wedding costs and the honeymoon, to the tune of $43,000.
>
>Her then-husband's mother was a nurse, and his father was a deadbeat. They didn't provide much when it came to the wedding itself, and I admit, the husband and I did harbor ill will toward the fact that her husband's father's name was clearly printed on the reception and invitations as a 'generously contributing' member of the wedding party. But that's another story..
>
>And they divorced because of money issues less than 3 years later. We, tired by this time, forked over money for her divorce costs and tried to regroup our finances. We do have a comfortable nest egg saved up for our post-retired life (I would like to travel the world and maybe buy a small lake house with my husband, he also enjoys woodworking as a hobby), but now my daughter who has begun dating another man has excitedly showed us that she is engaged once again! The man in question proposed less than a year into their dating and she is elated more than anything, because after her second divorce she didn't think any man would want her anymore.
>
>My daughter has hinted at wedding costs and brings home bridal magazines and ideas for cakes and dresses and venues, and I want to be happy for her happiness, but there's a voice inside me that is screaming ENOUGH. We have spent almost over $140,000 of my husband's and my money for my daughter's two failed marriages - wedding, reception, honeymoon costs, divorce costs - and I cannot believe she is thinking of planning another lavish ceremony at our expense. I've tried suggesting maybe this time she should opt for a small backyard ceremony this time, but she turns it around on us and says that we don't believe in her happiness and that we are being cheap, as she is our only daughter and her father and I are quite well-off. Which, to be fair, she is right. I am at a loss of what to say to her.
>
>tl;dr: Twice-married and divorced only daughter is getting married for a third time, where the first two times her affluent father and I paid for a majority of the wedding costs and divorce costs. This time around we want to convince her to have a smaller ceremony but she says we are being cheap and that we don't care for her happiness. Feel like a bad parent.
&#x200B;
SpongeBob Narrator: ONE YEAR LATER.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE: My (57F) daughter (30F) is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding! Feel like a bad parent.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2t51lo/update_my_57f_daughter_30f_is_getting_married_for/)
>[http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1zfx4p/my\_57f\_daughter\_30f\_is\_getting\_married\_for\_the/](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1zfx4p/my_57f_daughter_30f_is_getting_married_for_the/)
>
>Hello, it's been a long time. I wanted to retroactively thank everyone for the advice and the anger (must admit that hearing others rage about my situation was pretty cathartic for me). I wasn't going to log back in to post an update, I couldn't even recall the password for this throwaway account but so many of you gave me excellent advice that I feel I must give an update sad as it is.
>
>Long story short, my daughter is getting her third divorce. We are no longer on speaking terms and she has broken our hearts.
>
>Short story long, as many of you predicted, she threw a great big tantrum when her father and I told her explicitly that we would not be paying for the wedding this time around. We said we would buy her a wedding dress and the cake, but that that would be the end of it. That whatever else she wanted would have to come from her and her husband's pocketbook. She said we don't care for her happiness, she cried, she said that we were selfish, everything all of you said was going to happen - all these things hurt so much to hear because they aren't true, we do care very much for her but enough was simply enough. She went so far as to chuck her wedding planner binder into the backyard pool, which was grotesque to watch.
>
>We asked to meet the fiance in question over dinner - what a gem he was. Tattoos all over his knuckles and his neck, showed up to meet us in sweatpants and an ill-fitting hoodie, didn't even shake our hand or introduce himself properly. He looked like trailer trash.
>
>When we asked what his occupation was, he said he was a "sound technician" which made me feel embarrassed for being so prejudiced, but after a quick conversation at the dinner table (where he behaved in the most disgusting manner), turns out that he is a freelance DJ. At 39 years old I believe one should at least be put together, not living with other roommates and working at clubs on weekends. My daughter, I do not know what was wrong with her. She looked at him with such adoring eyes as if he were the best thing since sliced bread. We doubted that he could provide for himself let alone a family.
>
>I don't know if this was a sign, but the sight of this man-boy solidified our decision to not finance a drop of our daughter's third wedding. We still agreed to pay for the cake and the dress, but no more. We even had doubts that maybe this thug was only planning to marry our daughter for the money. We assumed it was true when we found out she had been paying for a few months' worth of his rent that he could not afford to pay out of her own pocket. Like I said, I don't know what was wrong with her.
>
>We gave her a budget of $13,000 for a beautiful dress and maybe another $2,000 for the cake. The wedding planning itself was a disaster as my daughter had a meltdown over every single little thing that went wrong even though we tried to tell her that she could use the $15,000 budget to plan the entire wedding instead of just spending it on the dress and cake alone (that was our intention), that maybe she could scale back the dress and cake for a more humble affair. Maybe it would teach her the value of a dollar.
>
>She would not budge. She did not invite us to the wedding, let alone the reception. We don't even know how it was, as we were not shown any photographs afterward. I spent the entire week crying when I found out she had left us out of the wedding party. She came back a few times with a U-Haul and her disgusting husband to take her possessions from our home and moved in with him.
>
>While my husband and I were gone on a vacation to New Orleans right before Christmas, we had received several voicemails all from our daughter. Her voice was slurring, as if she had been heavily drinking or on drugs. She said that she was going to divorce as he was a "fucking deadbeat" who couldn't even treat her to a nice dinner. She said she's had to sell her engagement ring to pay the rent, that she is still living with his roommates, and that - this is the part that just sends me into anger - "that if only we had paid for her wedding and helped her buy a home with him (this wasn't even discussed between us, I do not know where she got this idea from) that she would have made this marriage last." If we had given her MORE money.
>
>My god. What have we done. I am shaking with anger just typing this. My husband wanted to leave her a seething voicemail. I talked him out of it. As far as we know, she has moved forward with the divorce. We will be here for her, we will take her back into our homes, but only if she wishes. At this point we have heard nothing from her and she does not pick up her phone. It is so easy to blame ourselves for being bad parents and I just feel so awful. She is our only child, and if any of our nieces or nephews behaved this way to our siblings we would have cut them out of the family in a second. But we can't. She is our only child, now 31 years old and a thrice-divorcee. It pains me so much what has happened over the last year. I feel like I've lost a daughter.
>
>**tl;dr**: Daughter is going through with her third divorce even after her father and I gave her a $15,000 budget for her wedding. She is no longer speaking to us after sending us a voicemail that blamed us for not helping her with the entire wedding finances and buying a new home for her that we've never discussed. Husband and I feel like we no longer have a daughter.
&#x200B;
Oh, and if you're wondering about how the divorces went?
>She can't afford her own wedding. We paid for the first two divorce court-related costs. Husband and I have no idea how she will afford a third divorce.
&#x200B;
*This is a* ***REPOST***. *I am* ***NOT*** *the original poster!* | rainbow_drizzle | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdix43/my_57f_daughter_30f_is_getting_married_for_the/ | qdix43 | 11,190 | 1,809 | [
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2021-10-22T15:32:29 | Amber the 10% Chick | ChoosingBeggars | &#x200B;
This is not just a repost, but a transcription of a repost of a series of posts that no longer exist and were written by a redditor that is banned. I recently remembered this story and it's just too good not to share, so I dug up the details.
The posts are all imaged based, so I've transcribed the posts so as to not deal with uploading photos (yes, my laziness is such that typing things out is easier than figuring out how to get photos uploaded in order).
This was originally written by u/omegaweapon (aka Abs) on r/ChoosingBeggars. It (and other stories) are now available on the OOP's website:[ https://www.taint.net.au](https://www.taint.net.au/). He retells some of his stories on YouTube:[ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCF0-fkWZUuRJS-ZNg\_UpaUA](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCF0-fkWZUuRJS-ZNg_UpaUA)
# Amber the 10% Chick Part 1
*Backstory: Abs has given 3 arcade machines to a charity. This charity is a youth hostel/outreach program and they have a lot of people coming and going. The charity had heard that they can make a lot of money from arcade machines, but their budget is very, very tight. Abs gave them the 3 machines with no down payment and makes a deal with them: Abs will take 10% of the money the machines makes and put that 10% towards the cost of the arcade machines. When that tallies up to the cost of the machines, they will be considered paid for, free and clear. This all worked fine until Amber took over.*
[https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-part-1](https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-part-1)
**Amber:** Hi there, I've replaced Nicole at <Charity> and I can't find the keys to the lock on the change drawer for any of our machines.
**Abs:** Hi Amber, the keys are with me, as my guys are the ones who empty the change and tally it every fortnight.
**Amber:** Hi Abs? is it? I don't know why you would have the keys when they're our units. I'll need them back please. We should be the only ones with the keys.
**Abs:** I have the keys because the units were given to you free on the proviso that I get 10% of the takings until they're paid off.
**Amber:** No, we purchased them therefore we should have the keys. Surely there was a payment plan attached when this was negotiated.
**Abs:** That is the payment plan. Since the funds weren't available at that time, I decided to give them to your organisation anyways and take a small percentage each fortnight until they were paid in full. Then the keys are all yours. If you'd like to arrange a direct debit instead we can do that.
**Amber:** So you're saying that you don't trust us with the keys so you need to come out and count the money yourself?
**Abs:** No it was just a mutual agreement at the time, but since you put it that way. Yes. Definitely.
**Amber:** I'll need the keys please. How do I know that you're not the one stealing??
**Abs:** My staff count the money in front of your stuff, then your staff verifies the count and signs a slip. They both get a copy. I believe that's how you would know.
**Amber:** Ok, it's simple. I'll get the locks changed on each one then. Thank you.
**Abs:** Sebastian and I had a long chat prior to delivery. He advised that the organisation lacked funding and if we could work something out. I said yes, I'll give them to you and take a small percentage, interest free, until they're paid off. You are exhausting my good will now.
**Amber:** Sebastian had no authority to approve this. Don't think you can pull the wool over my eyes. The locks will be changed and you won't extort us further.
**Abs:** Extort? They cost me 6k. I gave them to you free. 10% of the takings goes towards paying them off, you keep 90%. How is that hard to understand?
**Amber:** They're not free if you're taking 10%. What if one week they make a hundred dollars and the following week they make a thousand? You are taking the same fee regardless. You are a thief stealing from a charity.
**Abs:** Ok, you're officially the second stupidest person I know. I'm the first for deciding to help your organisation evidently. In your scenario, the first week $10 goes toward your payment. The following week $100 goes toward your payment. And changing the locks makes you the thief, Amber. Just so you know.
**Amber:** So now you're resorting to insulting me because you got caught. So the more the machines make, the more you take? How is that even fair? We are done here. Either the keys or I change the locks.
**Abs:** I take that back. You are not the second stupidest person I know. I'll bring the keys tomorrow.
**Amber:** I thought so. I'm in from 9am through till 2:30pm. Don't play games with people, you'll eventually find someone better than you.
**Abs:** I'll be taking the machines with me though. I'll see you at 9am. Hopefully you won't trigger another migraine.
**Amber:** I'll have the police waiting. Good luck with that!
**Abs:** No need. I'll bring the sheriff with me. I'm sure he'll explain it to you very very slowly.
**Amber:** The sheriff won't come out at a days notice. Nice try though but you're messing with someone above your pay grade. You'll be leaving in handcuffs. Bye!
**Abs:** His name is <sheriff's name> and his number is <sheriff's number>. You can call him personally, for verify with <local> Police Station. I'll call him and let him know to expect your call.
**Amber:** It's probably a friend of yours who will also be arrested for impersonating an officer of the law. Not very smart are you...I'll humour you though.
**Abs:** You're awesome.
*<some time later>*
**Amber:** He explained it alot better than you did. You could have been more professional and explained it in layman's terms. We're not all tradesmen. I want this paid off asap as I do not wish to deal with you any further.
**Abs:** That's a pretty s\*\*\*\*\* apology Amber. I'll be there at 9am to collect my units. I'll write a cheque for the amount paid so far. Don't choke on that foot love.
**Amber:** Don't you worry, I'll have this sorted out.
**Abs:** No you won't. Good luck! Bye!
# Amber the 10% Chick Part 2
[https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-reddit-update](https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-reddit-update)
Stop blowing up my inbox you heathens!
I'm at work so this is the quick and dirty phone sex version.
Unfortunately it was a phone conversation. One of the directors caught me on the phone and apologised on behalf of everyone there, asking for the units back.
I told him i was sorry but i rebranded them and gave them to another charity. I wanted an apology from the sentient hairstyle, Amber, not the other staff.
He said Hairstyle has been moved to "fundraising" an intern level job and on probation till further notice.
I recommended that the nervous intern (Vanessa) that Hairstyle made sit at the front desk when i came to repossess the machines, be made treasurer, since Vanessa was studying Finance at Uni.
Director agreed and begged me to make them another 3 units. I said i wanted a written apology from the hairstyle.
He advised that hairstyle refused so i said no soup for you.
They tugged at some heart strings and made a good point at how it wasn't their fault, so i agreed to build them 3 units, paid upfront.
Hairstyle in the meantime is claiming she'd been treated unfairly and is lodging some kind of complaint against the organisation.
Being internet famous now with a whole 6 followers has it's benefits.
Intern on the day said "hey, are you...?" And i nodded and said "yes, yes I am" but she she claimed she was referring to if i was going to pay for the Mars bar i took from the donation thing. I won't let it get to my head.
Ok love you bye
# Amber the 10% Chicks finds the Reddit Posts
[https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-part-3](https://www.taint.net.au/post/amber-the-10-chick-part-3)
*<missed a call>*
*less than a minute later: <missed a call>*
*less than a minute later:* **Amber:** It's Amber from <Charity> call me now!
*a minute later:* **Amber:** It's Amber I saw your screen shot of our conversation on Facebook! Call me NOW!
*<missed a call> x 4 in 2 minutes*
**Amber:** I did not give you permission nor authority to upload our private conversation to social media!! I have forwarded everything to our legal department. Ignoring this won't make it go away! You need to call me.
*<missed a call>*
**Amber:** Call me now! I want this removed immediately!
*<three minutes later>*
**Amber:** This is now in the hands of our legal team! I hope you have a good solicitor mate.
*<about an hour later>*
**Abs:** OH MY GOD! You botched surgery! He's not answering, let's blow up his fucking phone and annoy him into picking up, What a great idea! I'm not busy or anything. I sit here waiting for your call everyday. I look forward to hearing from your legal team, we can laugh at you together.
*<two minutes later>*
**Amber:** I beg your pardon! You uploaded a private and confidential conversation between us and humiliated me in the process. Take it down before things get worse. I won't ask again.
*<missed a call>*
**Amber:** ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!
**Abs:** No. Since your "legal department" is involved, I'd prefer that you screech at me in writing. Also, due to the rules of the post, there was no identifying info, despite people begging me for it.
**Amber:** The staff at my office know it's me by reasonable assumption. Take it down NOW!
**Abs:** That's tragic. Oh well, gotta go. Have fun now.
**Amber:** I'd love to see your face when you get trounced by our legal team!
**Abs:** Great, I'll send you a pic. Please forward all legal correspondence to my lawyer richard\_bohlsach@taint.net.au.
**Amber:** I will!
**Abs:** Love you!
***Fin*** | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdjfq8/amber_the_10_chick/ | qdjfq8 | 9,855 | 764 | [
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2021-10-22T16:46:15 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdkzbe/deleted_by_user/ | qdkzbe | 9 | 639 | [
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2021-10-22T18:12:48 | How do I ask my neighbour nicely to wear more clothes in his backyard? | Relationship_Advice | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/ThrowRA-niceneighbor
I (47F) and my husband (50M) live in a quiet suburb. We have three children (18F/18M/12F) but only our youngest is relevant to this post.
Our neighbours are a younger couple (20s M/F). They moved in last year and we haven't really gotten the chance to know them because we've been locked down for a lot of the time but they've always been nice and friendly in the interactions we've had.
Anyway, they recently set up a home gym in their backyard. Their yard is a little higher up than ours so it's quite easy to look into it and one day when 20sM neighbour was working out (he usually plays music when he does) hubby and I happened to notice that he likes to lift weights in bright Speedos. (Green that time, rainbow zebra when I looked the second time, then I didn't again myself). No big deal, it's his house and he wasn't bothering anything other than my husband's ego.
(It's probably worth mentioning that both of them are very attractive. He's quite fit, dark and covered in tattoos, she's tall, pretty and curvy).
The problem is that my youngest's room looks over into their backyard as well and she has a little bit of a crush on our male neighbour. To the point where she's figured out when he goes to exercise (usually mid/late afternoon) and apparently has been watching him from her window for a while now. We caught her today and she says that he even smiled/waved at her once then moved away.
Obviously, we're going to sit with her and have a talk about boundaries and appropriate behaviour, but hubby thinks we should talk to our neighbour as well and ask him to at least wear more clothes when he does his thing. I told him I agreed but I didn't want to be rude, then we had a little argument that led to me agreeing to go ask them but I don't know how to go about this nicely. Any advice Reddit?
EDIT - We sat down with our daughter and had a talk, I won't go into details but she knows what she did was inappropriate and we've told her if she does it again she's going to have to move rooms (her room is the biggest in the house other than ours and she begged for it once her brother moved into the guest house).
Also, once our restrictions loosen in the next few weeks we're going to invite them over for a BBQ and drinks.
And holy fuck I appreciate all the good advice but some of you are creepy as hell.
How do I ask my neighbour nicely to wear more clothes in his backyard? UPDATE: Neighbours are lovely, husband is an idiot
[Link to original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q1sib1/how_do_i_ask_my_neighbour_nicely_to_wear_more/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Characters:
Me (47F), my husband (50M), our youngesy child, Sid and Alyssa (neighbours, 30M/29F).
First of all I’d like to say thanks to everyone who gave constructive suggestions and advice on the original post.
I really didn’t want to come off as a Karen or nosy even though I get why it may have seemed that way. I personally have a very live-and-let-live philosophy to life and don’t really believe in telling people what to do.
We also had a talk with our daughter. Shes already had the sex talk prior to this happening so we didnt need to go that far back, we focused on crushes and appropriate behaviour while doing the best we could to not make her feel ashamed for feeling the way she does. I also made a point to her to note that Sid has a right to do what he wants in his home without being looked at, just like she has the same right in her own home and let her know that Sid may come over to our house sometime soon and she has to behave appropriately when he does.
However, my husband. My. Fucking. Husband. He will just not let the damn Speedo go. I showed him the comments from the post and even then he wouldn’t drop it, so I’m gonna loosely quote a bit of the conversation we had.
ME: “We’ve talked to (12F), she’s not gonna do it again, what’s your issue?”
HUSBAND: “It’s just fuckin wrong is all, especially when he knows there’s kids there. Guys shouldn’t be like that when they know kids are around.”
ME: “Kids aren’t around, its their house! You’re being such a baby. Are you jealous?”
HUSBAND: “Wouldn’t you be jealous if it was the Mrs walking around topless all day in front of us?”
ME: “No, I wouldn’t be, cause I know that I’ve got no reason to be.”
Why should I be jealous of her? She’s not going to steal Husband away. She’s got no reason to long as she’s got her man, and even if she didn’t I’m not sure I’d be worried. But regardless, this back and forth went for a while until I said I’d go talk to them because I figured it would be better for me to do it and do what I have to to not make enemies of our neighbours.
Anyway we gave it until the weekend and then I decided to go over after I baked cookies as an attempt at a peace offering. Sid came to the door and after greetings I explained the situation.
ME: “(Sid), this is awkward for me to say to you, but my daughter...well shes been watching you work out cause she has a crush on you.”
He was absolutely mortified by what I said and invited me in. Alyssa also came down and after apologising for bothering them I explained what was going on...
...and it turns out that my neighbours read this sub before bed and when sleeping in.
THEY HAD SEEN MY ORIGINAL POST AND FIGURED OUT IT WAS ABOUT THEM. (Alyssa says she refused to believe it until I mentioned our home city in a comment).
Luckily they loved it and had no hard feelings at all even though Sid actually said he was sad for getting referenced on r/relatioCnships in a good way cause he always figured he’d be a shithead boyfriend on here. Honestly he was really more awkward on the thing with (12F)’s crush - he has a 11 year old god-daughter who he’s very close with, so he understands and appreciated that we’ve told him.
He’s gonna keep it to shorts going forward. I can honestly say I didn’t try to force the issue of his clothing at all but he suggested it to make it easier for everyone.
Basically I ended up spending most of the evening (and several bottles of wine) there and we got to actually know each other. Among other things I learned (they said I could share this) they’re both from a small town up north and were each other’s “boy/girl next door”, got together and left town and eventually did really well for themselves. They’re literally a romance book couple.
(I’ll also point out that Alyssa is Anglo and blonde, and Sid is half Indian and half Indigenous. If they want to say more they can below, its not my place to but you can guess what it was like for them. For the record, I am Anglo and my husband is Lebanese.
After I left I went home being thankful it went so smoothly, told my husband Sid wouldnt wear Speedos any more anf when to bed wondering if it's possible to legally adopt two adults cause ai love these two so nyxb already haha
Thanks again to everyone who gave me reasonable and calm advice. Honestly, the comments were more for my husband's benefit than mine so he could see how people actually viewed the situation.
And NO I will not give up Sid or Alyssa's reddit accounts | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdmsgq/how_do_i_ask_my_neighbour_nicely_to_wear_more/ | qdmsgq | 7,192 | 851 | [
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2021-10-22T20:05:35 | Neighbour's Child with Disabilities keeps letting OOP's dogs out | LegalAdvice | Original Post by [u/poksoooosoo28](https://www.reddit.com/user/poksoooosoo28/) in r/legaladvice.
First Post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/b93dx3/neighbors\_child\_has\_disabilities\_and\_wont\_stop/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/b93dx3/neighbors_child_has_disabilities_and_wont_stop/)
For the past 7 months after moving in to my new house with my daughter and dogs the neighbors child who's 15/16 and has pretty severe downs syndrome has increasingly been entering my property and home.
At first I just talked to the neighbors and they were at first really sorry and vowed to monitor her more while she's in their backyard. However after a few months they just genuinely do not care anymore and brush it off.
I've installed security cameras in the backyard and front yard purely for my own safety insurance wise because we do have a pool.
She will climb the fence into my yard (6' wooden privacy fence) with a ladder from their shed and let my dogs out. I've fixed her letting my dogs "free" as she says by using chains and padlocks on the two gates. Before this became a common occurrence she even would let the dogs out of the house and then "free" them.
Numerous times if my garage door is open she will leave their backyard and just walk into my house to free my dogs. I don't know what the purpose is other than it's something she just has to do for whatever reason.
When she climbs into the backyard (sometimes when I'm not even home) and she cannot get back out she begins screaming and crying and just shuts down. Before I started chaining and locking my gates because of her releasing my dogs her parents would just walk in and get her and leave. Now since I've chained it they start a huge fit about me having her locked in my backyard and they have to climb the fence, bring the ladder over and carry her back over. Somehow this is my fault.
Now I'm not really blaming her because she mentally doesn't know any better, she has some very severe issues and she's damn lucky my dogs are super nice (purebred German Shepard, an English bulldog and a mix Sheppard/bulldog).
I just honestly worry about her safety in the backyard, climbing fences and her seemingly not being watched as she needs to be. I have a pool and if she falls in when I'm not home she could very well drown. That's why I installed security cameras to cover my own ass if that ever happens, I truly hope it never does but it seems her parents just put her in the backyard and that's it.
I've called the local child and family services office (CPS) several times in the past two months to report it because I feel she is at risk with her parents inattentiveness and their seemingly not caring attitude of her just going into people's yards, garages, houses etc. I have a full garage of power tools, table saws etc that I've now had to resort to flipping the breaker off when I open the doors out of fear she may severely injure herself.
I feel like I've done everything I can, talked to the parents numerous times, called child and family services, installed cameras, locked my gates further. I just have no idea what to do now? I've debated calling the police when she enters but I don't know how that will escalate.
Update Post
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/b93dx3/neighbors\_child\_has\_disabilities\_and\_wont\_stop/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/b93dx3/neighbors_child_has_disabilities_and_wont_stop/)
I'm sad about this update for the kid, I took the majority of the given advice and called the police non-emergency number and asked for an officer to come out because I had questions about an issue I'm having and briefly explained it.
Officer shows up, I invite him in and explain the whole situation. He isn't really sure what to do about it right now so he asked for a supervisor come to his position. Supervisor shows up and I go over the whole thing again, we go upstairs to my computer where I have all the videos clipped and saved (9 times of her entering the backyard and 4 of her entering the house through the garage).
We watched each one and he gets on his cellphone and goes back to his car. A few minutes later he comes back with 3 flash drives and asks me to copy the videos over to the drive and had me fill out a piece of paper stating what I put on the drive and then signed it, I repeated it all 3 times.
About 45 minutes later after we have been talking and he's been on and off his cellphone the entire time, 2 CPS workers show up and review the videos again and take a complete statement from me going back to the first time it happened. This took about two hours because they wanted it to be precise and as accurate as I remember it and left out anything I wasn't 100% sure on.
The officers and CPS workers head next door to talk to the parents, parents apparently shut the door in their faces and said they didn't want to talk but because of my statement and the videos of her climbing over, getting stuck, having to be carried back over the times I'm at work or gone and just entering the house they had probable cause to enter the home anyways.
After they were inside their house for about 10-15 minutes another cop car shows up followed by another a few minutes later. I'm in my garage so I don't know exactly what happened inside but after more officers showed up the father was put in the back of a car and the daughter was put into the CPS workers van and they left. The father was driven away about 10 minutes after that, then about an hour later the mother is also put into the back of a car and they drive away.
I talked to the initial officer that showed up and asked for a supervisor and he tells me they found drugs (pills not in prescription bottles/not their prescriptions) and that the home was just not being taken care of inside and definitely not a safe environment for a child. Said they found drugs not secured and in areas the child had access to them.
I haven't seen them since the day after the post, I feel bad for the kid being in that situation and me being a neighbor not even knowing and my not wanting to call the cops (I didn't think it was anything like they found, I just figured it is really tough raising a kid and add on top of that severe mental disabilities and it's even tougher). I should have called them earlier once the CPS reports I was doing over the phone didn't ever do anything. | Pot-Pilgrim | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdp314/neighbours_child_with_disabilities_keeps_letting/ | qdp314 | 6,431 | 1,454 | [
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2021-10-23T00:21:10 | Found out husband (25M) is cheating on me (24F) and I haven't told him yet that I know + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qatk8g/found_out_husband_25m_is_cheating_on_me_24f_and_i/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by u/throwaway_broken998
Husband [25M] and I [24F] have been married for a year and a half, we celebrate our 2nd anniversary in February. We knew each other since college and he has always been a good husband and partner. Weirdly enough lately he was even more attentive than usual and honestly it felt great to have a partner who wanted you so much and I didn't have the slightest clue that it might even be a lie. I wouldn't have even suspected anything but about a week ago I asked to use his phone to call my parents who live in another country as his phone plan has international free minutes but he refused saying he used them all up. When I asked to check how many are left he got frustrated as he was playing on his ps5 and just wanted to play in peace. I shrugged it off as stress but something in the back of my mind was telling me to look into this further. For the next few days everytime I would ask to see his phone he would get defensive, the other day he did hand me his phone but hovered over me the whole time then snatched it right away saying he needed it for work. Mind you I only asked for it to use his PayPal account and didn't even go near any of his social media apps. I'll admit my curiosity got the best of me while acting like I was scrolling through my phone I'd take note of his pass code, it took a while but I finally got it. The only time the phone isn't on him is when he's asleep so last night I took it and started searching. To his credit I found nothing in his contacts or his latest chats to suggest he was having an affair but once I checked the archives in his WhatsApp it was all there. He is cheating on me with a coworker, one I've met many times and she would've been the last person I would suspect. She's married, 38 years old and has a 12 year old daughter! I feel disgusted reading all of their chats I felt like I was going to throw up bit the biggest punch in the gut he told her that he loved her. She's out on vacation and he told her "I can't wait to see you" and "I wish your husband wasn't there so I could pick you up from the airport and hug you"
Honestly I feel numb, my heart has been shattered into a million pieces this morning when he was leaving I told him I was sick and couldn't get up. He asked if he needed to take me to the doctor to which I just said I'll ask my friend to take me and he left. I don't know how to talk to him about this a part of me wants answers but another part of me wants to believe this isn't real and to save my marriage. But what is there to save if he's already told this woman he loves her. I feel so many things so much anger, resentment yet I'm utterly crushed and I have been second guessing myself did I go wrong anywhere?? I know I shouldn't think like this but I can't help myself. I don't know how to go forward with this. He's going to be back home in a few hours. I thought about breaking everything in the house so he could see how he broke our home then thought of leaving without telling him but I want answers as well. I seriously don't know what to do here??
TL;DR: found out husband cheated and I don't know move forward with this.
Edit: I'm sorry if I'm not replying but a lot is happening at once so I need to gather my thoughts. Thank you for understanding.
Edit: hi guys, I'm currently on the plane back home. I have major motion sickness on planes so I can't look at phone screens for too long but I just wanted to inform you guys that I talked to my husband. The short version is he's also on the next flight back home, we lived in an Islamic country and adultery is a crime for which he could be jailed for months if the husband files a report on him. So obviously he was more worried about himself than our marriage. Currently I don't feel anything for him not even anger. I think I'll get my things sorted out after I've thought things over a few days. Thanks for all the support and well wishes truly you all have been amazing.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qdpq0o/update_found_out_husband_25m_has_been_cheating_on/)
First off, I want to apologize for not properly replying everyone and going mia I still have many unread chats and replies on the post which was locked by the time I could get around to it.
It's been a hectic few days for me to say the least. While still answering all of you, the husband of the affair partner replied to my DM. I had sent him a simple "Hi can you please reply to this it's kind of important" and while his profile seemed inactive he surprisingly replied quiet quickly. I got to the point so I wouldn't chicken out and told him how his wife and my husband are having an affair, explained to him they worked together, and sent him the screenshots of the WhatsApp chat. Reminding you I had yet to confront my own husband with the everything as he hadn't arrived from work yet, and there was a good few hours before he usually arrived home. I guess the husband might've confronted his wife and through her my husband found out but it was obvious he knew cause that night he didn't arrive at his usual time. I was thinking of packing up everything and leaving without telling him to begin with but I guess I wanted answers from him as to why he'd do thid to me. When it dawned on me that this man is coward and I should just leave for my own betterment, I booked a flight back home and left for the airport before he even arrived home. I was waiting for the results of my covid test at the airport when he called me asking me where I was and I told him. Part of me wants to laugh at what happened next and part of me wants to cry. Not even in my wildest dreams would I have dreamt this scenario. He tells me to wait for him and we'll take the next flight after this one together. I ask him why should I even consider waiting for him and he tells me it's all because of my stupidity. As we lived in an Islamic country adultery is a crime punishable by at least a few months up to a year so if her husband files a report he could end up in jail. He basically orders me to stay put and that "we'll talk when I arrive at the airport". I flat out tell him I'm leaving and that as he about the law and I didn't he should've thought twice before sleeping with someone else's wife. After that I turned off my phone and boarded my flight a few hours later. Now I'm back home and everything is slowly sinking in. It's apparent my marriage can no longer go on. I have no love left for the man who instead of apologizing or at the least faced me, ended up telling me "how could you?" and turned me into the bad guy. His parents have even accused me of ruining their sons career as his boss fired him and his AP when he found out and even blacklisted him so now he can't get another work visa for that country. Also because he left in such a hurry many things were left unresolved like we had paid the whole years rent in advance and still had a few months in the lease and also things like the furniture and monthly bills so now he's scrambling trying to get his friends to suspend everything and sell off the furniture and his parents are angry at the amount of stress I've caused their son. Thankfully my parents, most of our friends and even most of his family are on my side and agree he's the one who screwed up.
Many of you suggested I do something to get revenge but honestly none of this was my intention neither do I get any happiness from it. I also have zero intention of wanting anything out of the divorce, I can earn my own money and there's nothing he can give me that will make the pain and heartbreak I've felt these past few days any better. I'm not shaming people who do seek alimony, I'm just saying I prefer to sever all ties and finish this off as soon as possible. I want to move on with my life and have already reached out to my old employer of rejoining the company to which they told me I could return whenever plus I'm reconnecting with all old friends I missed while living abroad. Husband has hinted he wants to talk and maybe even consider reconciling but I've made a strict only talk through my lawyer rule and made it clear that is not happening ever.
I don't know if this is good update but this is the current reality. My divorce might take a while maybe even up to a year as judges usually will give couples a few months if one person seeks reconciliation and isn't willing to an uncontested divorce so for now this man is still legally my husband but emotionally he's currently a complete stranger to me.
I thank all of you for the love and support. The advice you all gave was really great. Thanks to all of you, I am currently lawyered up and all contact is through him.
TL;DR: I went back to my home county, and so did husband shortly after in fear of being charged for adultery. Currently seeking a divorce which might take some time as husband hinted at reconciliation which I made clear isn't happening. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdtwg7/found_out_husband_25m_is_cheating_on_me_24f_and_i/ | qdtwg7 | 9,105 | 1,124 | [
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2021-10-23T01:16:50 | AITA for confiscating my daughter's fanfiction? | AITA | This is a repost. The original poster is u/throwaway4356993232
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cgl56y/aita_for_confiscating_my_daughters_fanfiction/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
My daughter is thirteen, and very introverted. I love her, and she's the funniest, smartest person I know, but she doesn't have very good social skills. She has severe anxiety and has struggled with clinical depression since she was nine. She's my only child, FYI.
Our family's moving between states at the moment and currently staying at a friends' house for a month. This whole summer, she's been very distracted by her phone. She's always been an avid reader, and when we asked what she was doing all the time she said she was just reading stories online. We assumed it was e-books or something.
We noticed she went over the data limit for the month, so her father asked for her phone and the password. She said no to giving us the password, but agreed to turn the phone off for the rest of the month to avoid going over more. We were understandably concerned, she's normally very complacent, respectful, and not at all defensive about her phone. So we threatened to take it away entirely unless she told us. She did, after a screaming, sobbing shit-fit, the likes of which I haven't seen since she was a toddler. When we opened it, we found tons of *extremely* explicit fanfiction. She's never shown any interest in sex before, and all of this was between two male characters from a TV show we knew she loved (though we didn't know how much). There was fanart too. Not all of it was explicit, some of it just seemed like plain old creative writing, but I went through all of it in front of her. She said she's not using it to get off, she was just curious and found it interesting. I said I was going to start getting into the community too so that I could understand it and she could talk about it with me, but she seemed very opposed to the idea. She begged me not to talk about it more with her father (they have a weird, cold relationship, unfortunately) and I didn't in front of her. But we find this very concerning.
Given what I know about her lack of social skills, I couldn't help but feel this wasn't helping. So I deleted all of what she had saved as well as the pictures. I don't care that it was gay in nature, I've been pretty sure since she was six that she's lesbian. But this can't be normal or healthy. I took her phone for a week, removed the password, and when we see her reading things now we always ask her specifically to tell us what it is. She seems to have stopped, I'm not going to check her browsing history.
I told some of my girlfriends about it and they said I was being controlling and insensitive, and that telling them about it was humiliating for her. She doesn't know I told them, so it can't be humiliating, and I just want what's best for her. I can't imagine this is.
Am I the asshole?
**Edit**: I do want to say that none of what I saw was *disturbing*, per se. No, like, BDSM/rape/super kinky kinda stuff. Very vanilla (*very* explicit, don't get me wrong, but vanilla) for the most part (one threesome, I think). The gayness is a pretty weird, I guess, but that's not why I took it away. I just think it's all kinda gross and distracting for an awkward thirteen-year-old that needs to focus on herself.
**Edit pt.2**: I just want to clarify: I don't think being gay is weird or bad, as I stated above. I just thought it was a little odd for a probably-lesbian girl to be so into male-on-male sex.
**Edit pt. 3: After reading the comments, it's clear that I've fucked this up horrendously. I'm not going to blame anyone else but me for this. I have always tried to make an environment for my daughter where she's aware of sex and safety and comfortable talking to me, but I've just shot myself in the foot. I never meant for her to run in the other direction, and that's what I've done. I should have respected her right to privacy more than I did. Some of you pointed out that this is similar to Harlequin romance novels, which I hadn't considered and which makes this much clearer to me. To clarify, if she came out to me I would, of course, be supportive. If she ends up being straight I'll obviously respect that. It's just always been my motherly instinct that she might like girls, which I never meant in a creepy way. I also didn't realize there's a community there that she may have become attached to, and I don't want to ruin whatever social interactions she has. I feel fucking awful. She's my entire world and I didn't mean to handle this so, so wrong. I'll talk to her tomorrow face-to-face and try to repair whatever I can. I** ***never*** **should have told her father, I'll own that, I just thought he should know as her other parent. I definitely never should have told my friends, oh my god, I only thought they may have had similar experiences. I'm realizing how much I completely cocked this up. Thank you for giving me the slap in the face I needed.**
***Edit pt. 4: Last edit, I promise. Just want to clarify:***
***1) No screaming or over-the-head scolding was involved. I didn't tell her she was gross or strange, just that she'd been spending too much time on it and I was concerned that she wasn't focusing on other things (upcoming school year, talking to our hosts, etc.) I expressed concern that it was stopping her from trying to make friends in real life, and that some of the things she was reading might not be the healthiest in terms of relationship dynamics (consent, etc.) and sexual health (using condoms, etc.). I absolutely concede that I was in the wrong, and that my deletions and helicoptering would make her feel ashamed, but for context, that's what happened there.***
***2) The two friends I told are my best friends and live in Australia. They've never met my daughter and she is only peripherally aware of their existence at best. I never should have told them, I know that now, but the likelihood of this coming back and humiliating my daughter further is minimal, FYI. Her father took a backseat during this whole thing and hasn't altered his behavior in the slightest. He and my daughter are getting on better right now than she's getting along with me, which makes PERFECT sense because I'm an idiot bitch who massively violated her privacy.***
***3) If I could go back and not mention my suspicions about her sexuality, I would. They don't affect the outcome, and I would never, ever in a thousand years try to pry into that part of her life (weird line for me, of all people, to draw, I get it, but there it is). My sister was outed by my ultra-religious parents when we were teenagers and it left her with lifelong scars. I never want that to be the case here. I haven't told anybody my thoughts on it, save this sub. It doesn't matter to me how she identifies, she's my daughter and I love her more than anything. The nature of the fanfiction didn't concern me aside from how explicit it was and how much time she was reading. If it was a straight couple I'd have been just as concerned. Would I have been justified? No, but that was the logic at play, as flawed as it was.***
***4) I meant fandom things, not sexual fanfiction things when I offered to get involved. Like, expos, and such. Not fisting fics. I did not phrase that at all well.***
**Update: Today I sat her down and we talked this over. I explained why I reacted the way I did (my concerns about safety, education, isolation, etc.) , why that was wrong of me, and why nothing she'd done was wrong. I apologized profusely (her father will do the same later) and promised to respect her privacy more going forward. She was very emotional and explained part of why she had been so into the fanfiction community. She has liked seeing more representation of LGBTQ relationships and talking to other LGBTQ youth. She came out to me (she asked me not to tell her father until she's ready, and of course I won't, lesson learned), and though some trust has been lost I think we are going to be okay with some hard work on my part. She's going to join our local support group for queer youth and I'm fully on board. We've discussed implementing some of the suggestions commenters have given, and we're excited about them! Thank you to everyone who commented and called me on my bullshit, because I** ***desperately*** **needed it. Thank you, thank you, thank you! - An Idiotic, but Grateful Mother** | MakingWickedBacon | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdutss/aita_for_confiscating_my_daughters_fanfiction/ | qdutss | 8,512 | 944 | [
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2021-10-23T02:17:20 | OP's [35M] GF [30F] overhears his family badmouthing her | Relationships | **Repost, I'm not the original poster**
*[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3smtqa/my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking_badly/) by u/familysuxthrow:*
My girlfriend, Sammy, and I have been together a bit over a year. She's absolutely wonderful; smart, attractive, driven, educated, kind and goofy. She's everything I've ever wanted. And up until last week, I thought my family felt the same way.
Last week, I went to my parent's house for dinner. We get together as a family a few times a month. It's been a tradition with us for years now. Sammy usually joins us for these dinners, but had work obligations. I told my family she wouldn't be joining us that night. Halfway through dinner, I got up to go to the bathroom, and Sammy texted me that she was outside. She got off work early and came over to hang out. She would have normally walked in (which is normal) but she needed help bringing in some gifts. Sammy is leaving tomorrow for a work trip and a personal vacation to see some friends, so she won't be back until Thanksgiving. My brother and sister (twins) have their birthday next week, and my girlfriend had gifts for them.
At this point, my family had no idea Sammy was there. We walked inside and headed to the kitchen and we overheared my family talking.
My sister was saying that she was glad my girlfriend was gone because she couldn't stand a family night being ruined by my girlfriend being annoying. My brother and other sister agreed about how annoying and awful my girlfriend is. My dad made a comment about how they should be nice to Sammy. And my mom chimed in with, "Sammy is nice and all but I can't believe familysuxthrow likes how fat she is, he can do so much better." My family, even my dad, agreed. And my sister piped up that I was dating down because I'm still rebounding from my last girlfriend (which was five years ago...)
I was floored. My family has always been so nice to Sammy and I've never heard them talk badly about her. I've never heard my family say mean things about anyone, to be honest.
Sammy walked into the kitchen and dumped the presents on the counter. She was crying and mumbled something about happy birthday and then took off out the door. My family looked shocked and a bit embarrassed. I asked my family what the fuck was wrong with them and didn't stick around for an answer. I went after Sammy. She was in her car, crying. Now, Sammy is usually tough but family is super important to her. She has no family, aside from an alcoholic dad that she doesn't have any contact with. My family was like her surrogate family and something she always wanted. She was overjoyed when my family welcomed her and invited her to family events. The presents she brought my sister and brother were paintings she had spent many hours working on.
And yes, she is fat. But, I prefer thick girls, always have. To me, she's gorgeous and exactly what I like. But even then, she's lost about 40 pounds since we started dating. I would love her at any weight and I'm proud of the work she's done. I have no idea what they mean about her being annoying. She comes when she's invited, usually brings baked goods or beer. She's taken my family out to dinner multiple times and is extremely generous with them. She's even become the go to babysitter for my sister and her two kids. And she helped my brother get a job in her company. She pushed really hard to get him hired and put her professional reputation on the line. She's never asked for repayment or holds it over anyone. She even does the dishes when we come over for dinner!
The thing that makes this even worse is I was planning on proposing to her in the next few months. I had planned on asking my sisters to come with me to pick out her ring.
Now, Sammy hasn't said much about it and hasn't talked to me much about this incident. She has always wanted a family and she doesn't understand why my family doesn't like her or what she's done wrong. She said she'd talk to me more when she gets back from her trip. I don't want to lose her over this. I would take her over my family. Sammy hasn't been her usual cheerful self this week and I've caught her crying more than once since this incident. I try to comfort her but she tries to play it that she's fine.
At this point, I have no idea if I even want them in my life. All of them have reached out to me with weak apologies full of justifications. I asked my mom if she had apologized to Sammy, and my mom said I could pass on the apology.
To be fair to them, all of them do feel bad about what happened and seemed extra embarrassed about this. But no one can give me exact reasons why she's annoying or how she's ruined family nights. My dad is the only reasonable one that has offered to apologize to Sammy directly.
What do I do? I don't want to get rid of my family, but Sammy matters more to me at this point. I want Sammy to know I'm fully in her corner and I don't want her to feel guilty if I have to cut out my family.
*Selected comments:*
[#1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3smtqa/my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking_badly/cwz2ty4/): I've told her that my family isn't my priority, she is, and I'll do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable. I was really terrified she was going to dump me over this, but I think she knows I'm on her side.
[#2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3smtqa/my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking_badly/cwz0tlh/): That's what is really fucked up about this. Her family life is so fucking tragic and she deserved none of it. Her mother died when she was young and her dad crawled into bottle instead of deal with his grief. She always said on the day her mom died, she became an orphan. She also lost her only good family members in a span of 18 months: grandma, grandpa and aunt. She's been living on her own since she was 15.
[#3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3smtqa/my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking_badly/cwynpmr/): I had a conversation with my sister that ended in, "Fuck off".
She had no answer to what she found annoying about Sammy. Her justification was that she didn't think Sammy or I would hear what they were saying. That's what got me to tell her to Fuck Off.
[#4](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3smtqa/my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking_badly/cwz6c9n/): When we met, she wasn't without a family; she has built a family from friends. She's surrounded by people she loves and that love her. And she doesn't let toxic people into her life. She probably did romanticize my family, because we do seem like that wholesome family type. I thought we were.
**Edited update:**
I went to bed and woke up to tons of replies. Thanks for all the advice and support everyone! I have decided to take Sammy on a vacation for Thanksgiving. I'm on the phone with a very helpful guy that's trying to find me a hotel room that isn't booked for that weekend. No matter what happens, I think this is going to be a tradition I build with her for the future: a relaxing weekend to ourselves while everyone else is running around buying knock off iPads. Also, I talked to my dad briefly last night. He's pretty horrified by everything and has agreed to come over and apologize to Sammy and do it when Sammy feels up to hearing it. I have told Sammy all of this since it happened. She knows I'm choosing her over my family and that I would choose her over anyone.
*[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3y20qs/update_my_gf_30f_overheard_my_35m_family_talking/):*
First off, Sammy and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We spent it out of town in a small skiing town. It was a great weekend and we spent a lot of time talking and discussing what to do about my family. Sammy was still pretty hurt over the matter but was adamant that I shouldn't cut all ties with my family. I told her that all depended on my family.
My mom was in denial that I wouldn't be coming to Thanksgiving. After my last post, I let her know Sammy and I wouldn't be attending. She brushed it off until the day before Thanksgiving when she called to make sure I was bringing pie. I reminded her I wouldn't be at dinner and she broke down crying. She told me she was sorry for hurting Sammy and would like the chance to apologize. I let her know she'd have a chance after Thanksgiving.
After we got back from our Thanksgiving trip, my parents came over for dinner. I had okay'd this with Sammy. She thought my parents deserved a chance to make this right and frankly, I think she really wanted to mend things with my family. Dinner was, awkward, to say the least. My dad started out by offering Sammy a genuine apology. He told her he was extremely embarrassed and genuinely wanted to make things up to her. They had a nice chat. The talk with my mom, well, that went okay. My mom cried through most of it and tried to reinforce that she was very sorry. I couldn't tell if she was sorry or just upset that I was taking Sammy's side. I don't think Sammy was convinced either.
A few days after dinner, my mom called Sammy and asked her to lunch to talk by themselves. Several comments in my last post mentioned that my family probably felt Sammy was annoying simply because they felt intimidated or projecting their own issues on her. I think that was spot on. Sammy went to lunch with my mom they had a very long, good talk about everything. She said my mom felt jealous that Sammy was so educated and had the chance to get an education. And Sammy admitted to being jealous that my mom has a big family. Sammy opened up to my mom about the situation with her own family and living on her own since she was a teenager. I think that hit my mom very hard because she's always been surrounded by a big, loving family. And, I think she was horrified by her own behavior towards Sammy, who wanted to be a part of the family. Overall, I think things are better between my parents and Sammy.
My younger sister reached out to Sammy after Thanksgiving. I don't think any of my siblings expected me to ditch family dinner and I heard they were pretty upset I went on vacation instead. My sister apologized over the phone. I don't know if it was enough, but it was a good step. Sammy says she's feeling pretty neutral about my youngest sister. She said she feels like my sister is more sorry she was caught, but Sammy appreciated the apology.
My brother had to endure a very uncomfortable few weeks at work, while Sammy was traveling. I think by Thanksgiving, he was confident that Sammy wasn't going to screw with his job. When Sammy got back to work after our vacation, he went to her office to apologize. Again, I think he apologized just to appease us. But, he did it in person and didn't try to cop out. Like my sister, Sammy feels neutral about him.
My other sister (my brother's twin) is the only hold out. She hasn't given Sammy an apology and seems pissed that she no longer has a built in free babysitter. She's doubled down and said she has nothing to apologize for and Sammy is the one causing troubles. This has caused a bit of a rift in my family. My parents would like Sammy and I to come to Christmas dinner, but I'm not interested in being around my sister right now and I'm not going to subject Sammy to that. My parents have even suggested that my sister should stay home to make us more comfortable in coming. While I appreciate the sentiment, I would feel guilty about my sister being alone on Christmas (her kids will be with their dad). Sammy and I have plenty of offers from friends, my sister would probably not be able to find a place to go on short notice. Sammy has told my parents she would rather not create a bigger rift and we'll come over at another time. Sammy told me, privately, that while she has forgiven my family, she's not all the comfortable hanging out with my family just yet. I'm perfectly okay with this, I feel like taking some time from my family will be a good thing. Sammy and I are still deciding where to go on Christmas, probably to my best friend's house.
The best part of the update: My best friend's wife went ring shopping with me. She let me go to all the chain stores and balked at the prices for the same ring in every store. She eventually took me to a local jeweler and we discussed a custom ring. The jeweler completely understood what I wanted and I decided she would be great at designing a ring. She's pretty backed up with orders, and said she'd be able to get to it in January. A few nights ago, she texted me a picture of a stone she had found, to see if it fit what I had in mind. Sammy saw the text and it led to an impromptu proposal. She said yes! So, now I have a fiance! We haven't really told anyone yet. I'll tell my family at some point. But for now, I'm enjoying sharing this time with her.
So, things are okay. Better than I hoped since my last post. I'm very sad about my sister because I miss her and her kids. And I miss my family. But, I feel good about my decisions. I feel like things will get better with my family, except my sister, in time. Sammy liked the idea of a destination wedding next summer, but we haven't even started any planning yet. Sammy told me after everything that's happened with my family, she feels confident that I have her back and that she finally has me as her true family. | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qdvrv7/ops_35m_gf_30f_overhears_his_family_badmouthing/ | qdvrv7 | 13,396 | 10,342 | [
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2021-10-23T07:53:51 | My(46m) gf(37f)'s "best friend(41m)" just demanded I break up with her so he could date her | Relationship_Advice | Disclaimer - I am not the original poster of this content, this is a repost community.
Update mood: >!batshit crazy!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q9eg8r/my46m_gf37fs_best_friend41m_just_demanded_i_break/)
Title says most of it. My gf has a friend we'll call Not Really Friend(NRF). NRF has obviously had a thing for my gf for a long time, but she told him firmly that they're just friends. Well, she was engaged to her last bf. NRF was obviously very upset about this. Then the boyfriend cheated on my gf, and somehow the event was recorded on a cellphone and anonymously sent to my gf. They broke up, and NRF immediately started making moves on my now gf. My gf got on PoF, and met me. NRF was absolutely livid about this, and was immediately hostile towards me. Finally, last night, he messaged me and demanded I break up with my gf so he could date her because they were meant to be together, I'm abusive(I'm not) and on and on.
I showed my gf the message, and she was at a loss. I told her that we can't continue if NRF is in the picture and that I'm pretty sure he set up her ex to cheat on her so he could move in. She's not sure what to do, but I'm firm. Should I break up with her if she refuses to cut NRF out of our lives?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qdvlcy/update_girlfriends_best_friend_demanded_i_break/)
Long story short: She cut him off, blocked him on everything and told him to forget she existed.
We talked about it, and she decided she was done with him after she realized that he'd do this no matter who she dated. She thought she could just ghost him and he'd give up after getting no response. Well, after a couple of days of him spamming her phone alternatively with professions of love and demands she call the police to have me arrested for abusing her¸ she had enough and texted him the above (she did it through text so there would be a record of what was said so he couldn't claim she said things she didn't).
He went predictably batshit but she stuck to her guns. He messaged her from an alt account and said he was going to kill himself if she didn't break up with me and get with him. Her last response ever to him was "it's sideways for attention, longways for results." Yes, it's childish, but she figured he was being a child, so she threw that out there. She'd never been mean to him before, but it seemed to work. She hasn't heard from since. I checked, he's not dead. He's posting on another forum about the evil man who kept him from his true love and how he'll never be happy and it's all my fault. I consider this a win. Also, in one of his last messages, he accused me of using witchcraft to seduce her(he's from a very conservative Christian family that believes in that sort of thing). He was always inviting her to church (she's not religious at all). Maybe he decided god wanted them to get married or something. Sorry there's not more, but that's all I'm comfortable sharing. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qe0hhi/my46m_gf37fs_best_friend41m_just_demanded_i_break/ | qe0hhi | 3,007 | 1,164 | [
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2021-10-23T08:39:14 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qe113f/deleted_by_user/ | qe113f | 9 | 608 | [
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2021-10-23T13:13:24 | AITA for abandoning my parents and risking them losing the house + UPDATE | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qe4pf0/aita_for_abandoning_my_parents_and_risking_them/ | qe4pf0 | 9 | 1,137 | [
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2021-10-23T15:56:31 | My girlfriend wants me to get rid of my late wife's ashes | CONCLUDED | **ORIGINAL TITLE: My \[35M\] girlfriend \[31F\] uncomfortable with my wife's ashes.**
*This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3g747t/my_35m_girlfriend_21f_uncomfortable_with_my_wifes/) *is by* [u/Throw8726](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throw8726/)
Going to try to keep this as short as possible. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.
Married high school sweetheart at age 25. She died in a car accident 5 years later. We loved to travel and so I had her ashes made into a diamond to take her with me on my adventures. Her ashes along with both of our wedding rings are on a chain I carry in my pocket on my adventures. Helps me feel close to her. I will always love and miss her, but I know she would want me to be happy and find love.
I've been dating new girl for over a year. I dated a bit a couple years after wife's death but never found love until new girl (M). M is great, and has been so supportive and understanding of my late wife. She knows about the chain and never said it bothered her (though she neve knew the stone was my wife's ashes). I used to keep the chain on my bedpost but thought it would be disrespectful to M so it's now safe in a drawer. I still take it with me on travels.
M and I have talked about moving in together when her lease ends in 2 months. I am ecstatic for this. I want to spend my life with her.
Yesterday, I was packing for a solo weekend trip to the east coast as she was over. When I packed the chain M asked me what the other ring was (not ex's or my wedding rings). I explained that I had ex's ashes pressed into a stone and she flipped. Couldn't believe I had "lied" to her for a year and said what I had done was creepy and weird. Gave me an ultimatum, get rid of the stone (I can keep our rings on the chain, just not the ashes) or she will not move in with me. I asked if I could put the stone in away in a drawer but she said no, it had to go. She refuses to spend another night with my wife in the house and said its her or me.
Please help reddit, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose this girl, but I also don't want to give up respect for the woman I once loved. My ex was not close to her parents so I cannot give it to them. I can't just throw it away. I'm at a loss.
Canceled my weekend trip. I just want to make things work with M.
Edit: I keep thinking to myself that making this stone was totally crazy. M told me that no girl would ever be comfortable with it and that if I keep the stone I will "be living a lonely, miserable life." Women, or men, would this be a deal breaker to you? Am I insane?
**tl;dr**: turned late wife's ashes into a diamond that new girlfriend wants me to completely get rid of. Don't want to lose girl, can't separate from wife's ashes. Help.
&#x200B;
UPDATE (added in the original post)
Woah, this totally blew up on me. I had no idea my story would get such a response, I was hoping for a comment or two but this is crazy. This morning I took the time to read what all of you wrote and I'm hoping that M will settle for a safety deposit box or leaving it at my mom's. She's never had somebody she cares about pass away and I think the thought of my wife's remains being in my house freaked her out. She's coming over tonight to talk, I will try to update you all soon. Thanks again for all the support and helping me to know that what I did with my wife's remains wasn't that insane.
&#x200B;
[***SECOND UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3gh3a2/update_my_35m_girlfriend_31f_uncomfortable_with/)
We met up on Saturday. There was a lot of dialogue between us, but I'm going to try to keep it short and paraphrase what we said.
I know many of you said to give M time to cool off but I just couldn't spend my whole weekend knowing she was unhappy. I invited her over for dinner and spent the day cooking her favorite meal. I took the ring over to my mom's house (because I know it being in the house made her uncomfortable) and bought her some flowers. I really wanted to show her that she has no competition - that I love HER.
When she comes over, the first thing she says is, "Is it still in the house?" When I assure her it's not she comes in and sits down. I start by apologizing, explaining that I never meant to lie to her or hurt her but that I now realize I was lying by omission and it wasn't fair to her. I apologized again and said I hope she didn't loose all the trust she had in me.
I then told her how much I love Her. I explained how much she means to me and how easily I could see myself spending my life with her. I go on and on about how happy she makes me, blah blah blah.
She likes all this lovey/apologetic talk and is smiling and holding my hand, telling me it's okay and that she loves me too.
I then say "it's time to talk bout the ring" and she changes right before my eyes. She lets go of my hand, and her happy face is replaced by one of anger. She said something along the lines of "I thought you got rid of it." and I told her that I never said that, I simply said it wasn't currently in the house. She got angry but I asked her to listen to me before she said anything. I explained that when my wife died I didn't have the heart to bury her, and having her remains around felt odd to me - so the ring seemed like the best option. At this point she's crying, with her face in her hands. I ask if she would be okay with me keeping it at my mom's place or in a safety deposit box. She's silent, then cries "Why couldn't you just bury her like a normal person?" Now I'm crying and I say that I'm sorry, that I respect my wife's memory but I wish it didn't disrupt our relationship because I love you (M).
Anyway, we cried. She said that she wishes the ring didn't bug her as much as it does, but that she's just not sure if she can be with me. She says making your wife a ring isn't what "normal people" do, and it's making her question about my character. I asked her what she want's me to do with the ring, what her idea of "get rid of it" is, hoping we could compromise. She said she doesn't know what I should do with it she just wish it never existed. She said she loves me, but she's just not sure about the relationship anymore. Told me she needs to think on it. Left without even eating her dinner. :(
I haven't heard from her since. I'm not quite sure what to do or what we are at this point. We have stuff at each other's places and both have keys. I love this girl, and I don't want to easily give up on us. But I'm hesitant to reach out to her again. I'm thinking of giving it some time and hoping she reaches out to me. I don't know. The thought of losing M breaks my heart.
EDIT: I want to add that I really don't think this is about being insecure or jealous of my wife. I really think M is freaked out by the fact that I had my wife cremated and turned into a stone. I think even if I had her in an urn M would still be freaked out. M hasn't had ANY experience with death, but I think she was raised with the idea that when somebody dies they go into the ground. The fact that my wife isn't buried somewhere freaks her out.
**tl;dr**: Tried to make amends with M and assure her that there is no competition. She is uneasy by the fact that I made the ring in the first place and isn't sure if it's a deal breaker or not. We haven't talked since.
&#x200B;
[***FINAL UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3glzks/update_2_my_35m_girlfriend_31f_uncomfortable_with/)
Last night I came home from work to find a framed photo from my wedding hanging on the wall with the chain dangling around it. There was also a 5 page note from M on the coffee table.
I'm not going to type the whole note, because a lot of it was very personal to M. However I will say that there was a LOT of apologizing on her part. She told me that she thought a lot about the ring (and even did some googling) and realized that it's not all that uncommon. She said she was completely embarrassed by her reaction and that she was uncomfortable with the thought of being around ANYBODY'S remains. She called herself disrespectful, childish, and pathetic. :(
M also said that what I did was a beautiful thing, and shows what a sensitive and loving man I am. That she want's to be with me more than anything and doesn't want to change a thing about our tradition (taking the ring traveling). She told me she nows see's that it's a lovely idea and said my wife was lucky to have me and my family. That she as well is lucky to now be a part of my and my family's life.
She concluded saying that she felt as though we had a good connection and handled conflict well. She said she hopes that I know her well enough to know that this isn't the way she typically reacts (I do). She also told me she was going to get therapy, as she is worried about what will happen once somebody she knows dies.
The last part of her note said that she left a surprise in my fridge (a 6 pack of my favorite beer) and that she'd love to enjoy them with me if I'll have her. She told me to take all the time I need before calling her and that she hopes someday I'll forgive her for her actions.
I called her immediately. We talked, and she pretty much repeated what she said in her note. I repeated what I said at dinner (that she is my number one, and that I am so sorry for lying about the ring). We have plans to see each other tomorrow night.
I love the photo of me and my wife. I don't have many photos of us, and none that are framed. The chain looks perfect around it, and it's a nice little memorial to have in my home. I love the idea of starting a new home with M, while still having my wife's memory be a part of it.
I know this is not what many of you wanted to read. You wanted me to kick M to the curb. However, I think that a year of good actions make up for one bad action. Her apology was genuine and I really do feel as though this won't happen again. If she tries to control something like this again, and I can't resolve it, I guess I know where to post ;)
I can't thank you all enough.
Edit: I was expecting you all to be disappointed in me, and yet the first comments are saying how happy you are for me. Thanks again reddit!
**tl;dr**: M made big apology. Forgave her. Happy. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qe7hr3/my_girlfriend_wants_me_to_get_rid_of_my_late/ | qe7hr3 | 10,319 | 2,713 | [
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2021-10-23T18:35:48 | Friend Tries to Make Her Friend to Take her and Her Child In, Then Lies to the Court | Ongoing Situation | I am not OP, this is a repost with an update from today.
Mood: >!Sad and also frustrating.!<
TW for death mention, child neglect, abuse
Original: [Friend (25f) put me (27f) on the spot by telling the judge she and her baby could move in with me before asking my permission.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9np6c/friend_25f_put_me_27f_on_the_spot_by_telling_the/)
I'm going to try to keep this short, but its a lot. I'll call her Emma.
We met at work summer of 2019. December 2019 she moves to NY to be with someone the was dating long distance briefly. She knew him from high school. She got pregnant soon after. We stayed in close contact.
While Emma was pregnant her dad and her mom died. Her relationship with "Ed" went downhill. By the time she had the baby she knew the made the wrong choice by moving.
Ed neglected the baby and became more and more aggressive toward Emma. She broke up with him several months ago, but stayed in his house with the baby. Emma started talking to "David" in her home state FL and how they wanted to build a family (didn't learn after the first guy I guess) she got snappier with Ed eventually admitting to him she was talking to someone else.
This led to Ed eventually kicking her out and her taking the baby to a shelter. They went to court and the judge ordered she moved back in and he moved out while they make a decision.
BUT HERE'S THE THING in court she told them she wanted to go to FL. They said no because she has a warrant there. Then she said she could come to my state. The judge said he would allow it if Ed would then it was continued to a hearing. SHE NEVER ASKED ME before bringing my state up in court, just assumed she could come here. When she told me she said "I told the judge I can come to \[state\] hope that's okay" Didn't even ask me.
I agreed out of pressure and now that I did I am dreading it. I just got my apartment and it's nicer than anything in my price range. Its income based so it has stricter rules about people not on the lease staying. Since she has a warrant, I would imagine that would make finding a place to rent in her own difficult. Also she has a baby and the walls here aren't sound proof. I'm worried she will end up over staying her welcome and I will get caught and be evicted. Also I don't even want to think what if she moves in and refuses to move out? She has worked at lease 8 jobs I know of in the last 2 years so I can't really trust she will be able to get her life together and move out. I know that sounds terrible. My last room mate situation was a nightmare and I really don't want to ruin another friendship being room mates, but I feel saying no now will also ruin the friendship.
Please give me some advice. I should look out for myself and tell her no to moving in right?
Tl:dr; friend got herself in a bad situation and told the courts she and her baby could move in with me before asking me. I don't want them to.
[\[Update\] Friend (25f) put me (27f) on the spot by telling the judge she and her baby could move in with me before asking my permission](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/qe4psd/update_friend_25f_put_me_27f_on_the_spot_by/)
Original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9np6c/friend\_25f\_put\_me\_27f\_on\_the\_spot\_by\_telling\_the](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9np6c/friend_25f_put_me_27f_on_the_spot_by_telling_the)
So this unfortunately isn't a good update and I'm looking for advice.
After posting I texted Emma the following Sunday 10/17: "Hey, I'm sorry, but you moving in isn't a good idea. Its too much of a risk for me losing my apartment. I was put on the spot because, before you went in to court, we were talking about you going to FL, then, when you called me after, you told me the judge agreed to (state). I don't feel we really discussed it before you told the judge. I'm here to help you find resources in (state) if you still want to move here. There's a domestic violence shelter in (town) that will allow moms and kids to have their own rooms. I feel terrible, but its too much of a risk for me to take. 3 years ago I was homeless. I can't risk losing my home."
She responded: "It's Ok! I understand, and yeah it kinda was a rushed idea/plan, sorry about that. Shelters are not an option though, I will lose my kid. So I'll really need to find a place"
I didn't respond. But clearly we determined she wouldn't be staying with me, or so I thought. She snapchatted me Monday asking to take screenshots of our conversations about Ed and I said it was fine. Snapchat notifies the other person if a screenshot, and she never took the screenshots.
THEN yesterday (Friday) Emma calls me and I don't answer. I knew she had court Thursday. Emma texts the following: "Hey, so I have a place to go in (state), however, since you were mentioned and put down first, I can't change that information without it being put against me. So I need you to play it off for me that we will still be staying with you and if need be, you have a brother named "Steve" who we can also stay with. (Steve is another good friend of mine in nc who we will be staying with)" 2nd text from Emma: "You're the only person I can use as a witness per say in court and they basically just want to hear from someone that isn't me that I won't be homeless going down there. Call me as soon as you can please"
So I guess she lied in court on Thursday and said she could come to my place?? After I made clear Sunday she couldn't come here. I responded: "Emma I can't lie to a judge like that. A simple search can prove my siblings names. I don't know what could be held against me if they find out I lied. I've never lied in court in my own personal legal situations and I just can't in any situation. Its too much of a risk. Say my lease wouldn't approve you because that's the whole reason why you couldn't come here."
Long story short, she continues to try to talk me in to LYING IN COURT ON VIDEO CALL. Saying I can just tell them she's coming to my place and we will go to Steve's if I get evicted. I insist no I will not lie in court (AKA PERJURY) and that I was pressured into this. She insists she didn't pressure me that I offered (bs) and that she loves me. That really pissed me off so one of my texts back included: "So you want me to risk being evicted and getting into legal trouble for you? No. Don't say you love me. That's not what friends do to each other. I would NEVER expect you to risk your stability or legal trouble for me." Then I blocked her *sigh*
ADVICE NEEDED: Since she lied to the judge on Thursday. I am worried she is going to have someone else do the video call and say they are me. I am wondering what I should do. IF I should do anything at all? My concern if she has someone pretend they are me and she does get permission to come here. What if she doesn't do what she's supposed to and gets in trouble so they look for her at my address? And when I say "Wait no she's not here" they will say "Well you testified in court she is" and I don't know what legal trouble that would cause for ME. I'm also concerned she would get charged with perjury if I report she said she could come here after I made it clear she couldn't. But ultimately her lying on Thursday proves to me she is willing to continue lying in court and I need to protect myself.
Any advice is really appreciated. Obviously I need to keep her blocked everywhere. Should I also contact her local clerk or court?
Tl;dr: Friend volunteered me in court for her and her baby to move in before clearing it with me. I finally said no on Sunday, but she lied in court on Thursday and said they could come here still. She tried to talk me in to doing a video chat appearance in court saying she could come here. I am worried she will have someone else do the video chat after I refused to. Advice please! | lilmxfi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qean2b/friend_tries_to_make_her_friend_to_take_her_and/ | qean2b | 7,946 | 655 | [
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2021-10-24T16:52:59 | OP gets cheated on by his wife and shares his journey to recovery | survivinginfidelity | I am not the OP. OP is u/allthatcouldhave
**A little over a month. Separation is complete, but the anger keeps growing.**
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ioxtda/a_little_over_a_month_separation_is_complete_but/)
I was with my wife for half my life(almost 40). I never thought she would ever leave or cheat. I really did love her, but it wasn't perfect. We had friends who cheated and she would always say she could never imagine being with anyone but me.
A week after our almost 10 year anniversary, she went to visit her parents. The warning signs were everywhere, but I trusted her love for me. She had the signs of a drug addict, never worked for years, personality disorder, always right. Would have guys and couples messaging her about sex and hooking up, she would say they annoy her and was just being friendly, would ignore the sex talk. I should've known better but you really think you know someone after 15+ years.
She called me everyday, but the day before she called to break up she didn't for days. I knew something was up. And when she did call, it was gaslighting. Demanded I get out of the house that day. Lied about wanting kids for almost 10 years. The threats would keep coming. After a few days and police calls, she finally showed up to talk. It took some convincing but I found out she messed around. She lied about the drugs but I found them in her bag. She was also on a chat group where I saved the videos and texts. It disgusted me, it was the most bizarre behaviour I've ever witnessed
I got the separation done in 24 hours thanks to my job and family friends. The fighting afterwards was rubbing in my face what she did with other people. Ordering me like a slave to do certain things, trying to belittle me. I've had health issues which she tried to suggest was drug related, it wasn't it's stress and trauma related. She was forced to move back home over 5+ hours away but it cost me the place I was living in, my pet which I loved more than myself, and I'm back with my parents for a few months so I'm not alone. I have a great job and supportive friends, everyone has told me I look much better since I left her. But it feels like people are just being nice.
I don't know what happened to her. She never even cried. At one point I thought I broke through and we could work it out, but she went for a drive and when she returned she was back to being cold. I even found out she wanted me out of the house so she could have the disgusting people she cheated on me with stay over.
I'm not dating, feels too soon and like I'm cheating. But I'm trying to start a new life. Joined the gym, I get out everyday whether its a drive or walk, my friends have been supportive. I have her blocked on everything because my blood pressure would spike just seeing her name. But I wish I could get over the anger. I can't because shes not even sorry.
I just needed to vent to be honest. The one person I thought who would be there forever treated me worse than anyone in my entire life. She keeps trying to act normal and be friends but not after what she did. I wish I could send her an email telling her everything I feel, but it would fall on deaf ears. I'll be getting rid of my wedding ring today, holding on to it is holding on to something that I know will never happen.
My relationship was a lie. I wish I could get over the anger but I can't. How the fuck do you stop caring about someone you've known for half your life?
UPDATE :- 1
**UPDATE: She sent a C&D letter from a lawyer who didn't bother to spell check and harasses my friends**
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ixrso8/update_she_sent_a_cd_letter_from_a_lawyer_who/)
I've been doing better. Gained weight, gym 3 days a week. Managed to luck into some money. Trying to meet new people but it's hard at my age(almost 40). But my ex-wife is hellbent on getting the last word.
I received a letter from a lawyer, a cease and desist. It never had to be signed for, had no date to reply, and was basically about her ego and for me to stop telling people what she did. Most of it was lies. The best part was the amount of grammatical errors and typos. The lawyer is real, but from what I can tell he hardly gets work and only sent this to make a few hundred bucks. I didn't bother replying, she wanted a reaction and I wasn't giving her one.
A few days later she began harassing a friend of mine I gave our pet to. She doesn't know her, but made it clear she was concerned about the animals well being. She never cared about the animal, wanted to get rid of it the day she told me things were over. It feels like a petty move to try and prove she can get away with what she wants or pretend she actually cared. Luckily my friends will never talk to her.
I'm hoping this ends soon. I'm fairly convinced she has a borderline personality disorder. Shes on a lot of medication, drinks, smokes a ton of weed and stays up all night talking to other jobless weirdos.
I want to move on, but she only cares about her self-image to the point she'll spend hundreds on a shitty lawyer just to block me from doing anything about her talking to my friends. I know she's unwell, but I hope she gets a life or a rude awakening.
Any advice or words of encouragement is appreciated.
UPDATE:- 2
**The ridiculous demands they have afterwards**
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/iznn79/the_ridiculous_demands_they_have_afterwards/)
Pointless rant I guess.
Thinking back, I can't believe some of the ridiculous shit they ask for when it's over. No less than a day or two after d-day, when she realised money doesn't grow on trees, she asked if she could still borrow the car every weekend to get groceries and run errands. This was after trying to kick me out of my own house, costing me my pet which I loved like a child, bragging about messing around with other people, and having her friends threaten me. She would also demand I lift boxes or dishes and place them in certain spots as a means of control. Not asking nicely, pointing and demanding I do it out of nowhere. Asking to borrow equipment and tools, etc.
Not sure if anyone experienced something similar but it's something to look back and laugh at now. Makes me realise what they're really like when your not something they want.
UPDATE:- 3
**Finding out they moved on**
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/jj59bg/finding_out_they_moved_on/)
As much as I tried NC, we have mutual friends who feel like gossiping. Today they told me my ex-wife is in another relationship. Didn't need to hear it, or want to. As glad as I am to be away from that toxic cheating liar, it still feels like a punch to the throat.
Leaving and saying it's to work on her mental health when obviously that wasn't the case. It feels like the final lie.
This will be a hard few days.
Edit: Thank you to everyone. Didn't sleep much last night but everyones advice and input helped
UPDATE:- 4
**4 months since D-Day and I'm happy. Final update**
[Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/k3vpuq/4_months_since_dday_and_im_happy_final_update/)
I haven't posted in awhile. Been 4 months since my EW went scorched earth on our lives. Cheating, abusive, threatening letters, etc. I struggled a lot, concentrated on positive energy, but still suffered panic attacks whenever I was alone with my thoughts, especially at night.
I made a post a few months ago about dating, asking if it was too soon. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I went through with it...and I'm happy. Really happy.
I won't go into too much, but we really connected. We love each others opinions, always agree on what type of future we want to have, and I've never had sex as physically and emotionally fulfilling as I did with her. We talk everyday for hours on end. I know some may think it's too soon but we connect so well that we have no interest in seeing anyone but each other.
It gets better, the end of a relationship only means you can start a new one. I still think about my ex but without any emotional attachment. Just sad I wasted so much time on her. Sad that her new BF could be a really nice guy and doesn't know what hes in for. But that's not my concern. I'm looking forward to ending this year holding my new girlfriend in my arms, finally feeling like I have a purpose.
You will get through this.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! You people are amazing. I appreciate the support, as well as the concerns. I fully agree that it could be too soon, but I provided a broader explanation in a comment below. This wasn't something I rushed into, but felt natural. We're both taking baby steps but at the very least I can say it helped me realise how unhealthy my old relationship was, and there's something better out there for everyone.
UPDATE:- 5
**[Update] Almost a year later. I had my first child, shes in the mental hospital.**
[update 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/)
Don't think my posts were memorable, but I figured I'd post again to hopefully give someone a bit of hope.
August 2020, my(m38) wife(f35) of almost 15 years left me. She had been chatting with other men, women, and other acts which I discovered by going into chatrooms she enjoyed. She lied about wanting kids for years, then tried to turn it around on me saying I was using her for kids. She kicked me out, forced me to give away my pet who was the closest thing to a child, and tried to destroy my life. Went as far as a c&d letter from a lawyer who never even bothered to spellcheck it for what basically said I'm not allowed to defend myself in private conversations with her. I never heard from hear after September 1st, 2020. She was mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive. But it hurt. I was lost, felt like my life was just waiting to end. Even contemplated speeding it up.
Late October I posted about seeing a girl I knew. Was a 50/50 split of ppl saying I was too early to start dating, but I went for it. I'm happy I did. It's been a rollercoaster, but we are still together and a few weeks after my divorce was finalised I welcomed my first child into the world. My life is changed in a way I never thought was possible a year ago, and it's refreshing.
My ex wife? Earlier this year she called me on a private number. She informed me she was in the mental hospital, that she tried killing herself, and that she was diagnosed with BiPolar and BPD. I warned her and her family she had it during the breakup, but they ridiculed me. She started telling me her pity story, and then proceeded to tell me about the guys and girls she slept with. I believe it was to fess up and have a fresh start, because she asked about getting back together. I told her right away I was with someone and we were expecting. It hurt her. But she even tried suggesting she could be a good co-parent with me. I shot that down as well. Ever since we've kept minimal contact for divorce proceedings and items we wanted to return each other. I have zero desire to ever get back with her, even if I was single. My life is better without her, and now she sees that too. It kills her on the inside, and as petty as it sounds I'm glad. She had no remorse for the family she destroyed, I have none for her regrets.
So there. I know the feeling of post d-day. I know the emptiness. But it can get better. I never believed it was possible, but every morning I wake up to my beautiful child smiling at me and her amazing mother. Don't give up. I'm glad I didn't.
*Relevant Comments*
[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/hfd8qep?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) I won't lie, before she called from the hospital I always wished I could be a fly on the wall when she heard I was with someone and expecting a kid. Getting to tell her that while she was in the mental hospital felt good. I never wished harm on her, but I think I deserved to tell her she didn't destroy my life, just the one we had together.
Funny thing is her mother called me right after the mental hospital call. Told me how she is doing SO MUCH BETTER and that my call helped. Then suggested I knocked up some random girl, and the timing doesn't make sense(Trying to suggest I cheated and somehow my gf was pregnant longer than 9 months). When my child was born she called again to congratulate me. This woman encouraged my exes bad behaviour and doesn't care about my life, she just wants to feel like shes a good person by supporting me. I just let her calls go to voicemail.
[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/hfe0nr0?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) Thank you!
I've been smart enough to show my gf all conversations. I've known her for almost 20 years so we had a very strong friendship to start with.
But you're right. My ex and her family pretend like nothing happened. That's for their peace of mind, not mine. When there's no reason for contact anymore I will be changing my number.
[3](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/hfdkr4v?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) She was implying she never wanted to have a child of her own, but wouldn't mind if we got back together and raised my new child. Her first new boyfriend had 2 daughters. Current one has a cat?
It was something I never considered, not once. I wouldn't even trust her alone with my child, she doesn't understand boundaries.
[4](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/hfegg9z?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) She wasn't some new girl. I've known her half my life. We dated when we were basically kids but it never worked out. We stayed friends, even after all these years. We both always wanted the same things but were in unhealthy relationships. Even after I told her of my separation, neither of us talked about getting together.
It wasn't a rebound. Whether I waited 2 months or 2 years, I'd still want to be with this woman. We both agreed to keep the baby and we have no regrets. We both even agreed if things don't work out, we would still be great parents.
Sorry, a couple paragraphs on reddit can easily be misconstrued as a rushed decision. But it was something we put a lot of thought into. I'd make the same decision today that I made last year.
[5](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/q17ved/update_almost_a_year_later_i_had_my_first_child/hfeevzm?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) She wasn't just someone. She was a friend for almost 20 years. We dated when we were young but it never worked out. We weren't super close the past 10 years but she would talk to me and my ex.
When shit blew up, she was around to support me. After 2 months we decided to give it a try. She just got out of a bad relationship too and I think we both initially thought of this as just some company.
But when she told me she was pregnant, we discussed it and realized we weren't getting any younger. Our partners lied to us about kids. We knew if it was going to happen, now with each other would be a good mix.
Was it too soon? Well, right now I could be drinking myself to death, harassing my ex to come back to me, or having failed dates night after night while regretting a missed opportunity. Instead I have a beautiful child and an amazing gf that changed my perspective in regards to what a healthy relationship should be. | letustakeredditdown | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qew28w/op_gets_cheated_on_by_his_wife_and_shares_his/ | qew28w | 15,841 | 1,014 | [
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2021-10-24T18:13:23 | AITA for refusing to re-arrange sleeping arrangements at our hotel? | AITA | This is a repost. I am not the OP. OP: u/seeker7628
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qef64c/aita_for_refusing_to_rearrange_sleeping/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
hi! i’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I’m currently on vacation with my partner and 2 other couples. the relevant people to the story are:
me (27F)
Kat (my girlfriend, 27F)
Carlie (my girlfriends best friend, 27F)
Ryan (Carlies boyfriend, 28M)
So we’re all on vacation together and each couple has their own room in the hotel. Last night (our second night here) Carlie and Ryan got into a huge fight and broke up, or are on a break or something i’m not really sure. so late last night Carlie showed up at our room crying and so I went out to get us all some snacks and we hung out in our room while we consoled her. I eventually went to bed and Kat and Carlie stayed up on the balcony talking. When I woke up in the morning, all 3 of us were in our queen bed (our room only has one queen, no couch or anything). this made me pretty uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything because it was only once and I know Carlie was really upset last night and they stayed up really late talking so they probably just both passed out in the bed with me exhausted, idk.
Here’s the issue. Kat approached me asking if it would be okay for Carlie to move into our room with us for the remainder of the trip (4 more nights). I said we only have one bed and Kat said all 3 of us are small and it worked out fine last night. I said I wasn’t comfortable with it and she basically said that’s understandable but her best friend is going through a really tough breakup right now and is a mess and can’t be alone and can’t share with Ryan. I suggested Carlie get her own room and Kat said they tried that and the hotel is booked. Kat then said that Ryan’s room has two double beds (unlike our room with one queen) and that “she hated to suggest this but she’s desperate” and maybe I would be willing to take the second bed with Ryan if i’m uncomfortable sleeping with Carlie.
The thing is, I hardly know Ryan. I’m sure he’s an okay dude but I really don’t want to become roommates with him. and I also don’t know Carlie nearly as well as Kat and i’m just not comfortable squeezing into a queen bed with her and my girlfriend. the whole situation feels weird to me. Kat says she understands how i’m feeling but she’s frustrated because she has to do this for her best friend and I’m being difficult by not being flexible. She said she can’t force Carlie to share a room with her ex who just “broke her heart”.
Not to mention that this is the first time we’ve been able to do anything for 2 years because of Covid and I was really looking forward to having some alone time with my partner on this trip.
we never really reached an agreement, but it’s approaching evening and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m worried we’re not going to discuss it and Carlie will just “accidentally” fall asleep with us again. I know that Carlie needs to be the priority here because she’s going through something, but I’m still feeling very pushed aside. AITA?
edit: just wanted to add since I got this question a few times, the hotel isn’t doing rollaways because of covid, and Ryan is refusing to switch rooms. I’m thinking I may just leave early, but I don’t want to upset Kat.
here’s the update: [update](https://www.reddit.com/user/seeker7628/comments/qewcw1/update_to_the_aita_post/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Update to the AITA post
Hi again, a lot of people asked me for an update so here it is. I couldn’t figure out how to post it on AITA so I figured I’d just leave it here. it’s messy. sorry it’s really long. TL;DR at the bottom.
I just want to clarify a few things…
first, the request for me to stay with Ryan was definitely out of line but it wasn’t as crazy or ‘dangerous’ as some people are saying. Kats known Ryan for years, they’re friends, and she knows he’s a good guy.
Second, a lot of people are suggesting that Kat has feelings for Carlie, she doesn’t, I’m not worried about that at all. Kat has some trauma from her past that makes her a huge people pleaser (she’s in therapy) and Carlie is a “big personality” who kind of steamrolls Kat with her drama.
People are also saying Carlie might have feelings for Kat, and this got me thinking. I’m not a jealous person *at all* which sounds like a good thing but it’s actually caused me to miss red flags in the past because I’m too trusting of people. Part of me thinks maybe feelings are related, but then part of me thinks Carlie just likes the drama because she’s not flirting or touching my gf or anything, she’s just being a needy friend. According to Kat she’s been straight her whole life but I mean, I was “straight” until I was 20 so you never know LOL. either way Kat and I will talk about it after the vacation. on to the update…
Kat asked me to go for ice cream after dinner just the two of us so we could talk. she gave me a huge apology for even suggesting putting me in Ryan’s room, she said that was way out of line and she didn’t really mean it she just kind of said it because Carlie had suggested it to her, but that she would never actually let that happen. she also apologized for not speaking to me alone sooner, she said every time she tried to be alone with me Carlie would start crying about her breakup again.
Kat said she’s been caught up in trying to be a good friend but the comment Carlie made at dinner flipped a switch in her head and now she’s just pissed off. (basically our other friends suggested Carlie just go home, and Carlie said she’s not going home out of spite for Ryan because she should be allowed to enjoy *her* vacation). Kat said that we’re keeping all of our original plans for the trip (a lot of couple outings) and that maybe we can accommodate for Carlie some times but she’s not coming with us everywhere. she told me that this vacation is about us and if i’m ever feeling like Carlie is too much to let her know and she’ll handle it, so that was nice.
So we took your suggestions and went to get an air mattress and they didn’t have any unfortunately so we took the bedding from Ryan’s extra bed and made a bed on the floor for Carlie. When we met up with Carlie at the room she saw the bed on the floor and actually said “so which one of us is sleeping there?” when I tell you my jaw dropped ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR. Kat completely snapped at her and said “Well I don’t know Carlie, which one of us is crashing in a couples hotel room? You’re welcome for making you a bed in our room when Ive been waiting months to have this alone time with my girlfriend” I have never heard Kat speak to anyone like that before LOL
but here’s the kicker. this morning I went down to breakfast alone and I ran into Ryan and ended up chatting with him for a bit. I asked him why he didn’t just go home (he doesn’t really know our other friends well either, he knows all of us through Carlie so he’s kind of alone here) and he said that she’s DONE THIS BEFORE. he said they rented a cabin last winter, got into a fight and Carlie kicked him out so he lost out on his vacation and the money that went into his half of it, and he said he refuses to do that again. he said he’ll just go explore by himself and try to avoid running into Carlie. this poor guy.
now maybe I should have minded my own business, but at this point I was really mad at the way Carlie was treating everyone so I went back to the room and told both of the girls what Ryan said downstairs. Kat was shocked because apparently Carlie had told her that Ryan abandoned her at that cabin, not that she kicked him out, and Carlie had tried to get Kat to come out to the cabin when it happened (she didn’t go). Carlie then started crying and said that she kicked him out and *then* he abandoned her by “actually leaving” (what???) then Carlie snapped at me that I had no right to speak to her ex boyfriend and Kat jumped in and said she wants Carlie to leave.
So Carlie left, but not before saying to Kat “it’s pathetic that you’ve gotten yourself into another shitty relationship, don’t expect me to bail you out this time”. what an absolutely evil thing to say to someone who struggled through an extremely abusive relationship just a few years ago. she is completely vile. I escorted her out to make sure she actually left and she said to me “you have no idea what you have” wtf does that mean????
anyways, I keep checking in with Kat and she just keeps apologizing for the drama and she’s really really mad. I told her it’s not her fault at all and that she’s the victim here. what a mess. I’ve never ever had this much drama in my life before, I feel like this is a tv show.
anyways, this is the whole update, we’re going to go boating now (we invited Ryan LOL). thanks so much for all your suggestions and advice, I really appreciate it. Also, i’m not really well-versed on how Reddit works but why do people keep following me? I didn’t even know you could follow people here
TL;DR we made a bed on the floor for Carlie, found out what actually happened with Ryan, Carlie threw a fit and Kat made her leave. | JiffyJane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qexokl/aita_for_refusing_to_rearrange_sleeping/ | qexokl | 9,244 | 2,338 | [
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2021-10-24T21:20:08 | I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I was ring shopping. Advice? | Relationships | This is a repost. I am not the original poster.
The original poster is [u/throw212awaay](https://www.reddit.com/user/throw212awaay/). Posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.
TW: >!Death!<
**I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I was ring shopping. Advice?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3dcgt4/i30m\_just\_found\_out\_my\_girlfriend28\_of\_a\_year\_had/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3dcgt4/i30m_just_found_out_my_girlfriend28_of_a_year_had/)
I have been dating the most amazing woman for the past year and a half. I have been in puppy love before, the kind where they're all you can think about and you smile when you think of them - and we have that too- but she has also brought to me the joy of being together but not together (that magnificent way you can just be and be alone in the same room- her reading a book, me doing a project) and really knowing someone (knowing how her mouth crinkles when she thinks, the way the rain makes her feel, all the stories of her childhood, all the little stuff that makes her a person ). At least I thought I did.
I was shopping for a ring and had been dropping hints that made her smile and we would plan this little suburban life- a deck with a grill, a goofy puppy, a piano. We talked about baby names and vetoed ones, we have the joke names Trevor and Trevina. We'd pick out paint colors and flooring at Lowe's and giggle like idiots. I was 100% confident, I just hadn't chosen a ring, you know, she didn't want a diamond but didn't know what she does want.
Then I got a fb message today from some guy. He said that he was her brother-in-law and that she had blocked him on fb but could I please pass along a wedding invite and it would mean a lot if she was there.
I pressed for more details and it all came out. She was married before to a guy named Brendan and they had a little boy, Sam- she told me before she didn't like that name. The son died in a car accident and afterwards They had an ugly divorce and she cut ties. 5 years of her life, I never knew about and I don't know if I ever would've. I think she was never going to tell me.
I've felt sick about this all day. Made up an imaginary sickness to sit and think by myself and I feel paralyzed by it. This morning I knew her and now I don't. I don't even know how to bring this up or what. I definitely can't go buy the ring and pretend. At the same time, I want to be with. I am hurt but know that was horrible, that she went through something unimaginable but I don't know what that means for us. Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
I just don't know. Help?
tl;dr I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I've been ring shopping. This life includes a first marriage and a child who passed away. i am stunned.. Advice?
**(update)I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I was ring shopping. Advice?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3eo2ic/updatei30m\_just\_found\_out\_my\_girlfriend28\_of\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3eo2ic/updatei30m_just_found_out_my_girlfriend28_of_a/)
I spoke to her the day after. She told me she had wanted to tell me for a while, but didn't know where to start-- that she thought about Sam everyday but at the same time didn't know how to begin.
She pulled out a shoe box from her closet and she showed me the pictures. Pictures of her wedding, this propped up little thing at the courthouse, her in a short white dress with a slight stomach. Her husband, this cocky smiled kid with this shaggy blond hair.
Then the baby, Sam. Pictures from a red-faced baby to this little four year old person. Birthdays, and Christmases, and pictures of the three of them- a family.
She talked about Brendan. How they came from these radically different backgrounds and she barely knew him as a person before he was a father and husband. They'd only been dating three months when she got pregnant. They were twenty.
Then she talked about Sam- her baby. She kept saying he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Hearing that broke my heart. She talked about how his hair cow licked in three different spots and how he was always singing or humming, that he loved to climb. She told me his favorite movie and book. She made him a person to me.
Then she told me how they lost him. Some kid ran a red light and then he was gone. She barely remembers the funeral because she was so heavily medicated. But the worst part was after, going home and him not being there- how she'd walk past his room and expect to hear him playing, waking up and forgetting for a minute he was gone.
Their marriage had never been good and they turned on each other. He blamed her because she had fastened the booster seat on that side of the car. She blamed him because he had been driving. They were divorced within a year after the accident. Brendan had a new child within two.
She had spent the time doing overload on classes and working, keeping busy because it made things easier.She didn't see her old friends because they drifted away- they never knew what to say. And they mostly had kids of their own. She was surviving. But seeing Sam's brother who looked so much like Sam hurt so much that she decided she had to get away and stop wallowing. She took the pictures down, donated clothes and toys, deleted her fb and stopped seeing the old friends who weren't really friends anymore. She said she chose to keep breathing because that was what it had come down to. Then she met me.. and she said I made her want a fresh start- a better marriage and more children- because she loved me.
We talked for hours, she cried and I cried for her.
I still love her maybe more now because I feel like she opened up to me so much. it's hard to imagine her married, with a son, toys on the floor, and pictures on the fridge. it's hard because in a lot of ways it's the life I've been imagining with her.
I still plan on marrying this woman. She's the love of my life.
tl;dr She told me about her past. I love her and understand why she didn't tell me.
**Relevant Comment:**
* *When asked if her family had also hid this from OOP/why they never said anything:* I have met them. She's an only child with older parents, they have never been particularly close. She even commented that part of Brendan's appeal was his big, close family. And I understand why she cut his family out. She has a tight knit group of friends and coworkers, most of them are just relatively recent. After the event, she says her friends felt uncomfortable around her and drifted away mostly. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qf1i10/i30m_just_found_out_my_girlfriend28_of_a_year_had/ | qf1i10 | 6,777 | 1,638 | [
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2021-10-24T23:55:35 | OP’s husband invited a stripper to their wedding night | Relationship_Advice | not my post! OP is u/twihardforcharlie
Original (10/21/2021):
Let me preface this by saying nothing like this has ever happened before, which is what left me so utterly flabbergasted as I had a lot of trust in our relation. My husband, we’ll call him Steve, and I planned to get married in Vegas with an entourage last year but due to COVID we got courthouse married last year and did our wedding in Vegas this year for our one year anniversary. We like to have fun, so our Vegas plans did include hitting a strip club. The day before our wedding, we were all supposed to go to the club together, but I drank too much and was confined to bed so my husband and some friends hit the strip club and I stayed at the hotel. Cool, no big deal. He didn’t come home until 7 am. Still cool, not ideal to get married on no sleep but if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. He gets home and starts talking about two strippers he met, one who wants to come to our wedding, we’ll call her Stella. She told him she didn’t want to be weird and she had a boyfriend but our wedding sounded cool and she wanted to come. Again, cool, we had the room as it wasn’t a formal wedding, and what’s a Vegas wedding without a stripper from the night before. Then he tells me about the other stripper, who he thinks wanted to have a threesome with us because she said his wife “sounded hot” and he invited her to the wedding also. I didn’t really say much to that, he’s mentioned wanting to have a threesome before and it has never been off the table, but we have only really discussed briefly and vaguely, like a “We might do that someday.” He also got both of their numbers to send them the wedding info, but that is where things start to go downhill.
For a majority of the time leading up to the wedding (we didn’t spend our time separate before the wedding since we are already married) he is talking about how he really thinks they’re going to show up and he can’t believe strippers are coming to our wedding. Like he talked about almost nothing else, not the greatest vibe for a bride on her wedding day who is expecting to be her husband’s main focus, but I didn’t bother me much at the time because I assumed he was just excited and maybe a little high on Vegas. Wedding time roles around and Stella actually shows! She’s gorgeous and sweet, and we decide we might visit her at the club later that night since I missed out the night before and was a little bummed. We part ways and head out to take our wedding portraits. And my husband is still talking about Stella, but now it’s about what club she will be at and when later that evening. At one point he even referred to her as his Vegas girlfriend to our friends, which made me uneasy but I laughed it off as a joke and again figured he was high on Vegas. We head to dinner and husband is sucked into his phone, barely speaking to me and still managing to rush me to meet up with our friends to go see Stella. We meet up with our friends, bar hop for a bit, then head to Stella’s club with the expectation that we’ll stay for an hour because it late everyone is pretty beat. We get there, and after about 10 minutes Stella comes over to hang out. Steve wants to get a couples lap dance, I tell him I don’t want to but to go without me, I would prefer to sit back and tip the girls dancing on the pole, as I am very sober (couldn’t drink after partying too hard the day before) and at this point feeling a little awkward as my husband seems very into Stella. After several minutes of being talked into it by Stella and Steve, I uncomfortably agree and we head back. The dance starts and I’m that person that doesn’t know what to do with my hands and I’m waiting for it to end. Stella tries her best to make me feel at ease, joking and complimenting me, but it just makes me feel more awkward. Well, that and Steve asking me more than once why I’m being awkward. After several minutes I leave before the dance is over but tell them to finish and they do. Several minutes later, they come back to the group, Stella perches on my chair and tells me that Steve told her we wanted to have a threesome, then she apologetically told me doesn’t do that with customers. I’m mortified for several reasons. 1. Because he crossed that professional line and it was disrespectful, especially because he knows she has a boyfriend. 2. He made it sound like I was in on it. 3. Arguably the most important, this man asked someone to have a threesome without discussing it with me. At all. On our wedding night.
At this point we’ve been here about an hour, and our friend group decided to leave. All of us. Except my husband. He opted to stay at the strip club alone, with the girl who just shot him down for a threesome, while all of his friends and his wife went back to the hotel. To be fair, he did ask me if it was ok and I said it was, because at this point I don’t have it in me to explain to this man all the ways he has disrespected me. He gets home an hour or two later and asks me if I’m mad and I unleash on him, but I don’t get far before before he cuts me off by continuously saying “I’m sorry, I’m an asshole” until I stop even trying to talk about it. We go to bed and in the morning he tells me he apologized to Stella and deleted her contact info. We leave for our 5 day honeymoon and don’t discuss it again, except for once when he informs me that Stella appreciated the apology but said it wasn’t necessary and that she wants us to come see her next time we’re in Vegas. Great. I spent our honeymoon either stoned (not a healthy crutch, I know, but it was the only thing that made it bearable) which allowed me to occasionally forget the incident, or silently fuming, wondering if I was overreacting, afraid to go off if this wasn’t actually as big of a deal as I thought it was, because he obviously didn’t think it was. He asked me multiple times if I was ok, every time I gave a halfhearted “Fine.”
We returned home and I told my best friend the story, because I needed talk to someone about it, and I needed her to tell me if all of the concerns were in my head and I was overreacting. She confirmed that my concerns were valid, I was not overreacting. That night I confronted my husband and actually got to speak. When I finished he apologized, he said he thought a threesome was what I wanted because I was excited when he brought it up earlier that day (no I wasn’t). He said he knew he fucked up but didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought I wanted to wait until after vacation to discuss it. Right, why wouldn’t I want this to hang over our vacation like a rain cloud instead of working through it?
What should I do? I thought this man was my future, we have dogs together and were discussing kids, I don’t want to give up on it so easily, but I don’t know if I can get past this. It’s not just what he did in Vegas, it’s how he behaved afterwards.
Update (10/24/2021)
Update: My (28F) husband (32M) invited a stripper to have a threesome without discussing it with me. On our wedding night. Where do I go from here?
Update: As harsh as some of you were, you were not wrong. I should have stood up for myself long before we got to the point of him soliciting a threesome. Here’s a few things about me that may make it more understandable: 1. I have long been aware that I have boundary issues in all areas of my life, and that it is something I need to work on. Trust me, this was definitely the push I needed to get the ball rolling and actually seek help. 2. I am also awful at confrontation, and again, I am well aware that I need to work on it. 3. I have experienced trauma in my life, and had been experiencing some serious mental health and self esteem issues even before this happened. 4. When I get upset, I shut down. Completely. Again, I am aware this is not a healthy response and will be working on it but that is where I am currently. 5. Despite my trauma, I am a naturally trusting person, I am going to trust you completely until you give me a reason not to, and as hard as it may be to believe, my husband had not given me a reason not to trust him before this point. 6. I don’t believe in explaining to people who claim to love me how to treat me well and not disrespect me. If you know and love me, you should know how to act like it. Obviously for minor issues, they may not know, but I’m sorry, this one seems like a no brained. 7. Consent 101, is anything other than an enthusiastic yes (it can be nonverbal but should be an obvious yes) actually consent? Is asking someone to do something after they say no and until they say yes actually consent?
Thank you to everyone that took the time to read this post and reply with love, tough love, and even disdain, you’ve given me a lot to think about and process in therapy. Yes, I have entered therapy. I have also insisted my husband enter therapy if he wants any chance for this marriage to work. At some point after working on ourselves, if it makes sense we will come together to work on our relationship to see if it is salvageable. This is why I have asked Reddit, instead of people in our lives for advice. I have told only my best friend the dirty details of what happened and plan to keep it that way because I know that once people hear something like this it changes how you look at a relationship and if we are going to make it work, this incident is better off not shouted from the rooftops. I have not ended our marriage yet, for a few reasons. 1. This was not entirely my husbands fault, he can take a majority of the blame, but not all. 2. If I do not at least try, I will always wonder “What if?” 3. Something caused him to act this way, maybe if was his attraction to another woman, maybe it was a concern he had about me, himself, or our relationship, that manifested in an ugly way. I would like to know where this came from, and if it is likely to happen again before making any permanent decisions. 4. Something in me thought that all of the disrespect leading up to the pitch of the threesome was acceptable and I need to investigate why that is to have any hope of having successful relationship moving forward.
For the record though, threesomes and children are off the table until further notice. Threesomes will not be discussed again until I decide it is time. Children will not be discussed until it is deemed we are at a healthy place by a professional, if ever.
Original post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qcrbkf/my_28f_husband_32m_invited_a_stripper_to_have_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
RELEVANT COMMENT FROM OP:
Is there any chance that this really was a one time big mistake? That he got caught up in it all? If anyone else were telling me this story I would be telling them to get out of there now, no ifs, ands, or buts. But in the four years we have been together there has never been any issue even close to this. I always felt like his priority and the only girl in the room. It’s just hard to see the person he was that night in Vegas and the person who I have loved for the last 4 years as the same person. And even though he hurt me deeply, I don’t want to hurt him. | cauliflowersellout | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qf4dxt/ops_husband_invited_a_stripper_to_their_wedding/ | qf4dxt | 11,185 | 789 | [
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2021-10-25T01:38:42 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qf671c/deleted_by_user/ | qf671c | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-10-25T01:39:55 | TIFU by kissing by deaf friend | TIFU | I am not the OP. OP is: [throwawayd456uf](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwawayd456uf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/qet3cp/tifu_by_kissing_my_deaf_friend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/qet3cp/tifu_by_kissing_my_deaf_friend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Update mood: >!Very wholesome!!<
TIFU by kissing my deaf Friend
Hi there. (22M)
I'll try to keep it short.
I met a girl through a mutual friend. We've known eachother for roughly a year, but haven't spend time alone yet, always in a group. She's very sweet and pretty.
She's not completly deaf , she can still hear a bit, with the help of hearing aids.
I guess mild deafness, not sure tho?.
Yesterday we met up with our mutual friends, we were having a barbecue. Later on, we ran out of snacks, so the other two went to the grocery store
&#x200B;
We were alone in the yard, chatting etc.
Now I noticed that she kept staring at my lips, so I thought to myself does she want to kiss me?.
Since she didn't stop staring I thought, that it's obvious. This time I'm not going to miss a hint.
I leaned in to give her a kiss, I mean she did kinda kiss me back, but afterwards it was like dead silence. Thank God the other two arrived a few minutes later.
The rest of the evening was super akward between us. Later as she left, I told the other two friends that I had kissed her because she kept staring at my lips.
They started laughing saying Of course she's staring at your lips , she's lipreading.!
Man, I totally forgot that deaf people also use lipreading to communicate, and since she's never actually done that before I didn't take that into consideration
This will definitly be one of the moments that'll make me stay up at night and cringe, plus I probably ruined the friendship.
TL;DR by thinking my friend wanted to kiss me, she probably didn't.
UPDATE: Okay, Guys I sent her a message, asking if she wants to come over.
She said she'll be here in an hour.
I'm nervous lol, I'm trying to convince my roomate to go on a long walk.
Update 2:
Sorry that you guys had to wait that long.
She just left 5 minutes ago.
I didn't tell her beforehand, that I wanted to talk to her about the kiss, so it was a bit akward approaching the topic.
I can't go into full detail now, but I told her that I didn't mean to make her feel uncomftable and that I had misread the signs.
We had a good laugh.
Afterwards I asked her If she'd be down to maybe try things out if she's interested.
The thing is, she's going to move to Munich, Germany in a few months (end of march) (I live in France) and she told me that, while she does like me, she didn't plan on making any romantic interest, because she doesn't want to get too attached, due to her moving away anyways.
She admitted to liking me alot and would like to give it a shot despite the circumstances , but only under the condition that I am being serious about it, since she doesn't want something that's only casual.
We're going on a date on Tuesday, and we'll just see if it works out between us. | robertstobe | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qf67qb/tifu_by_kissing_by_deaf_friend/ | qf67qb | 3,216 | 765 | [
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2021-10-25T05:05:33 | OP Gets Cheated On And Proceeds To Take Nuclear Revenge | NuclearRevenge | [removed] | letustakeredditdown | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qf9iqg/op_gets_cheated_on_and_proceeds_to_take_nuclear/ | qf9iqg | 9 | 1 | [
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