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2021-09-12T09:50:36 | Aita for refusing to talk to my coworker? | AITA | IM NOT OP
AITA for refusing to speak to my coworker?
Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n4l8ou/aita_for_refusing_to_speak_to_my_coworker/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I know how it sounds and looks, please save all judgements until after reading everything.
I (27m) work with my partner of six years, Jamila (24f). We've worked together for as long as we've been together, and most of our coworkers are aware of our relationship. We are married as of 2020.
We recently took on a new intern Olivia, who's in my department. I do most of her training and have been her "mentor" through most of her time here. Due to this, she spends a lot of her breaks with me and my group and leaves around the same time I do. Jamila comes to visit me during lunch and there is light PDA. She'll put her hand on my chest, take a bite of my lunch, squeeze my muscles, the usual flirty stuff. It's not an issue usually so I didn't think it would be one now.
My wife came home crying last Friday as she'd been reported to HR for harassment. There wasn't any real repercussions since as soon as they opened her file they saw that we were married (HR documents these things). I didn't know of anyone who could've reported her until this Monday, Olivia asked me if Jamila was still groping me. I asked her what she meant and she told me she put in a report with HR because she saw Jamila grab my ass in the parking garage. To be fair, Jamila *did* grab my ass, however the advance wasn't unwanted. I explained to Olivia that Jamila and I were married however she was firm in her belief that Jamila shouldn't touch me at all at work and that it sends a weird message to others at work.
Since then I've avoided speaking to Olivia if things aren't work related and it's been affecting her emotionally. I still greet her and say my goodbyes when it's time to leave, but she's asked to get coffee together and I told her I'd be spending my breaks with Jamila or another coworker and I don't invite her if I'm going somewhere for lunch. She's been very sad and inattentive at work and my coworkers are telling me to stop treating her this way because she was just looking out for my best interest
Am I the asshole for refusing to speak to her if it's not work related?
INFO: the PDA I mentioned is light touches, and it's usually during breaks. We'll share lunch, drink off of each other's cups, I'll occasionally hug her and she'll grab my arm or lean her head on me. We aren't making out and grabbing each other at work outside of that one instance.
As far as introductions go, I told Olivia that Jamila was my "partner" as that is usually how the company asks spouses to refer to one another.
**Also I'm not ignoring her, however if it's not work related ex: "Where is this?" "How is this done?" "Can you send out this email?" then I don't entertain it. She's not being hindered to do her job.
Update:
*** Jamila's case with HR was closed fully this past week. I've spoken to a supervisor and asked that Olivia no longer be my trainee and that she be placed with a female manager, as to avoid any further discomfort. Olivia was in attendance for this call and pointed out that she was no longer invited to lunch/breaks and that she felt I was retaliating against her. Our supervisor did inform her that workplace retaliation doesn't apply as breaks and lunches are not included in business operations and that these times are allowed to be as exclusive as employees see fit. She asked to not be moved from my team and in the end the decision was left up to me, however I couldn't see things getting better so I asked to move forward with having her be placed elsewhere. I did take into consideration my fellow coworkers and apologized if I've made them uncomfortable, the overall consensus was that they never cared either way and were just upset that Olivia was upset as it was causing some discomfort for others. Although Jamila and I have started leaving the office for breaks and have limited the touching. | wynonajim | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pmpv8y/aita_for_refusing_to_talk_to_my_coworker/ | pmpv8y | 4,048 | 1,181 | [
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2021-09-12T18:54:03 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pmyo0p/deleted_by_user/ | pmyo0p | 9 | 2 | [
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2021-09-12T21:22:31 | A tale as old as time: OP's grandmother left them and their brother an equal inheritance, but the brother spent his immediately, while OP invested and grew theirs. The brother and his self-proclaimed "lawyer" girlfriend are now demanding half of OP's net worth. (From two years ago ! | LegalAdvice | [removed] | onlyfansgratis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pn1g2q/a_tale_as_old_as_time_ops_grandmother_left_them/ | pn1g2q | 9 | 1,388 | [
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2021-09-13T04:14:46 | OP's Brother and SIL move in an expect her to give up schooling and work to babysit their 4 kids full time. OP's deadbeat dad agrees. | EntitledParents | *This is a repost, I am not OP.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/peen6c/entitled_parents_angry_i_wont_babysit_57_days_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Never expected i’d be posting on here but here i am lol.
My (f19) brother and sil (both 32) moved back into my parents home last week. They have 4 kids ( 1, 3, 4, & 6) so of course what was a peaceful house has turned into a chaotic mess (like a literal pigsty)
Friday my brother asked me what my day to day schedule was like so they can get an idea of how babysitting would work. Obviously i went wtf because i never agreed to babysitting for anyone.
I sat there dumbfounded and asked him to elaborate. Apparently my dad offered to “help” them with childcare by using ME despite me having classes to attend both in person and online + i work part time (and no one cared to check with me to see if it was okay lol). I flat out said no i was not babysitting Mon-Fri and they would have to find some other solution.
This upsets Sil and she starts complaining that i act like i don’t love my nieces and nephews because i’m not willing to help them out and take care of them (again wtf?) My dad started complaining and told my mom to make me agree. I just got up and finished my dinner in my room because i was not about to deal with them guilt tripping me.
Later, my brother approached me, showed me what was basically a weekly schedule that had the hours they worked and the hours i was expected to look after the kids (all 4 because the 6 year old is homeschooling atm) To spare the rest of the boring details, i would be on duty from 6am til 1pm then again from 6pm til 8pm because they wanted “special time” Again i shut that shit down and told him they were SOL because i wasn’t doing it.
Cue Sil telling my dad i still won’t do it so he came in and started calling me selfish and lazy and said i’d have to come around eventually since they’ll be living here for a while lmao. Let me add, my dad doesn’t even work, my mom does. He sits on his ass all day watching tv and when she gets home he doesn’t even speak to her until he wants to know what is for dinner
Edit// Im trying reallt hard to reply to everyone but there’s so many comments and messages so i’m sorry if i don’t get to everyone.
Majority of the comments are telling me to move out and i’m trying!! I am saving up enough money so i can be set the first few months i’m out. Hopefully i can be moved out by December maybe sooner.
Also adding my parents does not have any of my banking info. I closed the account they had access to when i turned 18. And i’m getting new lock for my door because the one i currently have can be picked easily.
And the fuckload of comments and messages i’m getting? Calling me useless, lazy, and selfish because i refuse to babysit and cause i live at home? I’m genuinely curious, are y’all just a special kind of stupid or just trolls. I refuse to believe y’all are seriously so bothered by that. Jfc.
I’ve also seen a few comments about getting my mom away. Truth be told, my dad’s family would no doubt harass her until there’s no tomorrow. I will talk to her about it though, she deserved the world and so much more.
I am going to update you all i promise!! I’m going to have a super busy week so if i don’t update anytime during the week i will for sure this weekend!
And idk who was watching the kids before they moved back but i assume whoever it was, stopped watching them because they didn’t have the funds anymore which is why they wanted me to do it for free.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/pms1en/entitled_parents_angry_i_wont_babysit_57_days_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
For starters i want to apologize for the long wait. I know i was supposed to update last weekend but there wasn’t much i could’ve given you guys then.
Ok i want to address the main thing everyone has been asking me. “Would you babysit if they paid you?” the answer is no. That would be giving up both my education and my job only to get paid a lot less than what i’m earning for part time.
Anyways, i did what you guys told me to, make myself as unavailable as possible, i studied more at starbucks, and got a new doorknob (with a lock that isnt pickable). Thats all worked a bit more in my favor too so thank you!! They (sil mostly) still continue to bother me to babysit but i’ve held my own and kept the same answer.
I have talked to my friend (yes i trust her 10000% to rent an apartment with me) and we might be able to move out by december if not, then no later than february. But I do have a backup plan in case that doesn’t work out!
I talked to my mom and told her she should consider moving out (i sent her the link to my previous post and she will be seeing the comments of this one) she has admitted to talking to her sister about moving in with her since she (my aunt) lost her husband back in January and doesn’t like living alone. And if/when my mom moves out that’ll force my dad to get a job and possibly even find a place of his own because none of my moms side of the family likes my dad so he more than likely can’t live in my aunts house.
\*\*Also wanna add in here my mom had a family discussion a few days ago. To sum it up, she told them to leave me alone about babysitting and they should start to plan to move out because she was selling the house (i don’t know how true that is tbh)
And quickly onto the subject of my dad, i wouldn’t classify it as hate but, a lot of people have tried to “put me in my place” by telling me i live in **his** house, i’m spending **his** money, i eat **his** food and that’s all wrong lol. He doesn’t provide anything. No he isn’t injured, no it’s not depression, there’s nothing else to it, he learned that my moms income alone can cover all of the finances so he quit his job and hasn’t looked back since.
Again, i have my own job and my mom and i have been the ones doing everything around this house since i was 13. And if some of y’all are truly that bothered i wasnt kicked out at 18 i seriously don’t know what to tell you.
So i think thats everything, ask any questions (to me or my mom) i’ll reply to them. i don’t think i can post further updates in this sub but i’ll continue to post updates on my account if anyone’s interested.
wait there is one thing i forgot to add, since my moms family discussion my brother has been more passive aggressive towards me and he and sil are blaming me saying im going to be the reason they’re homeless soon so there’s that… | embinksyy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pn86ee/ops_brother_and_sil_move_in_an_expect_her_to_give/ | pn86ee | 6,598 | 1,126 | [
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2021-09-13T16:14:57 | AITA for not letting my nephew who recently came out live with us after getting kicked out? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pm2eht/aita_for_not_letting_my_nephew_who_recently_came/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/notlettingstay
My nephew “Tyler” is 18, he came out this week and his dad didn’t take it well. My sister asked me if I would let him stay with me until her husband calmed down and let him move back in. I’m not close with my nephew due to past behavior and the fact that he’s been a bully to my son (15m) since they were kids. That was something we tried working out but Tyler never seemed to learn. Since my sister didn’t do much because of her “boys will be boys” mentality I limited interaction with them. Then last year Tyler antagonized my son on social media. Before that happened my son went through something traumatic that I won’t get into details here but it left him with a lot of anxiety about going out. He made a celebratory post about going to the grocery store for the first time in months by himself without getting a panic attack. Tyler decided to call him a “pussy”, asked “why is he getting excited about something so stupid and not even a big deal.” I confronted Tyler directly because he knew what my son had experienced. He wasn’t apologetic because according to him he was just jokingly giving him a hard time and didn’t mean it in a bad way.
This time I told my sister Tyler is to stay away from my son completely. This new situation doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want Tyler near him. Even with the promises that he won’t do anything I can’t trust him. He’s done it before when I’m not around until it pushes my son to finally tell me. That’s why I’m apparently being an asshole to him given this difficult and emotional moment he’s going through. My wife and I said we could pitch in for him to stay somewhere (our other family lives far and he’s still in school) but not in our house. The reason she refuses this is because Tyler needs to be with family at the moment and things are complicated at their house right now. She’s trying to calm things down. But says it could be a long while since her husband doesn’t want him back at all. If things had been different i’d accept him into our home in a heartbeat. But not if it means putting my son in a position to be bullied. My mom understands how awful Tyler has been to my son, the way he’s tormented him and that we’ve tried to make things work, in this situation she does think I’m not being a good uncle (and an asshole) because of what Tyler is currently going through. That it’s more serious. They’re both on us about this but we have had to say no. Are we being asshole?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pngx19/update_aita_for_not_letting_my_nephew_who/)
Well it appears I have been bamboozled, or almost at least, by my sister and Tyler. My mom claims she had no idea and now she’s angry at them too. Had some time this weekend to have a chat with my BIL (Tyler’s dad) because honestly despite Tyler’s awful behavior I was disgusted at ANY parent disowning their child for their sexuality. I called him to talk, not only to give him a piece of my mind but also understand why he’s even being like this. Like I said in a previous comment his late brother was gay and he never had a problem with that. It was just a shock to see him have such a strong negative reaction. Or maybe he’d always been secretly against it or now it’s different because it’s his own son I don’t know that’s why I called. He had no idea what I was talking about. So there really was more to the story than my sister was leading on. Tyler came out to them MONTHS ago and him getting kicked out wasn’t the reason at all. I’m super skeptical about this because to me it seemed like maybe he was trying to play innocent to avoid getting shit on. Until he went and got my sister to tell him exactly what she told me. They got into a fight then my sister finally told me no her husband didn’t kick Tyler out of the house for being gay (since they were aware of it for months) He got into some trouble at school that he’d lied about and while he was grounded for that Tyler had taken his dad’s car without permission and messed it up. He said it just seemed like one thing after another, especially the way he was acting with their other kids, which was the straw that broke the camels back for him and told Tyler to get out. After the whole thing I was furious with my sister. She apologized a million times. Her only excuse was she was desperate for Tyler having a place to stay and hoped the whole gay thing would make me reconsider until her husband cooled down and let Tyler come back.
I’ve had a day to calm down, told my mom how my sister lied. Now at least we’re more secure in our decision and don’t feel like assholes at all for not letting him come with us. Tyler is at a friends house now, don’t know if his dad plans to let him move back in but one things certain, he’s not staying here with us at all. Not for what he’s done to my son and especially not after knowing all the reasons why he’s not at his parents anymore. That’s their mess to deal with now. Thanks for your judgement and thoughts Reddit. Just wanted to leave this new bit of info on here. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pninbr/aita_for_not_letting_my_nephew_who_recently_came/ | pninbr | 5,241 | 1,468 | [
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2021-09-13T16:50:57 | OOP wants to ask out a guy who works at a recycling center after he returns her grandmother's lost ring. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not the OP.*
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pkbedt/very_cute_guy_30_who_works_at_city_recycling/) by [u/Throwra\_Angle3083](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwra_Angle3083/)
There’s a lot of backstory here…but I have a ring that was my grandmothers engagement ring from her high school sweetheart who was killed in Korea before they got married. She says I was the only person she ever told the story to out of respect for my grandpa but she still treasured the ring and the boyfriends memory and she wanted me to have it.
About a month ago I just lost the ring. As in it was on my bathroom counter one minute and the next it was gone. I tore my house apart with no sign and was super depressed and figured it must have gone down the sink or I vacuumed it or something.
Well this past weekend I get a knock on my door which literally never happens anymore. The guy was very nervous and very nice (and really cute too) and he asked if I was Alyssa xxxxx and I said yes. He said he really didn’t know how appropriate this was but he was a supervising civil engineer at our city recycling center and about a month ago one of the sorters found a ring in an Amazon box and gave him the box and the ring. He said he tried to contact me via phone and social media for a couple of weeks (I deleted all of it due to bad break up), thought about mailing the ring but didn’t want it to get lost so after thinking on it for a week he decided to hand deliver it to the address on the boxand hope it worked.
I immediAtely busted into tears when I saw the ring and I only got his first name. I think I told him thank you and I think he said that it made him very happy his plan worked and he would let me have my moment and left. I cried for a good hour just staring at the ring amazed at how lucky I was.
I started to feel bad I blew the guy off so I did some social media sleuthing and found his Instagram. I created a new account and sent him a message thanking him. He has not responded so I don’t think he’s very active.
I found out where he works and I want to surprise him and ask him to dinner or coffee or drinks as a way of saying thank you. Yes in my heart I’m thinking this is how great romance stories start but my brain really is thankful he went through all the trouble.
When I told my sister about my plan she absolutely said I was being an idiot. She said it was nice the guy returned the ring but his behavior is so sus. She said I have no idea who this guy is, all we know is that he “stalked” my address from an Amazon box which is probably massively against the rules of his job. She says instead of being a great romance, it’s how dumb girls end up dead in a ditch:
What do you guys think about this?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pnfinr/updatevery_cute_guy_30s_returned_my_grandmas_ring/)
I’m on mobile so I’ll link the original in just a second but basically I had a ring with a very special history given to me by my grandma. Maybe a month ago I lost it. Last weekend a guy showed up at my door with the ring saying he worked at the city recycling center and a ring was found in an Amazon box and he wanted to see if the address maybe had the owner to the ring. I felt bad that I barely thanked him…but to be totally honest found him very cute and very sweet and thought about asking him out. I found him on social media and my sister said I was being an idiot.
So the top few comments said that I should do something nice for everyone at the center because he didn’t find the ring, he just returned it and if there was romantic interest there, it would work itself out. I decided to do this and called center and asked if I could bring them coffee and bagels one morning. The lady was very nice and said of course but wanted to know why. I didn’t want to Get anyone in trouble so I said “a few of your employees did something very nice for me and I just want to say thanks.” She then said something like “oh I think I know who you are…” which I took to mean that maybe this guy had been talking about me and my heart jumped. She told me how i could do it so Friday morning i got four bakers dozen, cream cheese and coffees and brought it down. They were very thankful but sadly the guy who brought my ring wasn’t there. The lady who I had spoken to on the phone was like this sweet grandmotherly type and she said that she insisted I give her my number so the supervisor could call and thank me. I kind of got the idea she was up to something but couldn’t put my finger on it. I left thinking that I’d done a nice thing to repay a nice thing and maybe I might see the guy again but if not at least I tried.
So later in the afternoon i got a text saying it was this Brian and he remembered me from the ring and said I made his office and sorters very happy with the bagels. My heart jumped through my throat I was so excited. We texted back and forth and I explained why the ring meant so much to me. He explained that the ladies in his office are always trying to set him up on dates and was sorry if they embarrassed me. I said no way and told him I would love to buy him dinner to thank him specifically. He said he would be happy to. We agreed to meet for an early dinner between our works.
Literally hit it off the bad immediately. He’s so cute and funny but shy at the same time. As we were talking my dump overly romantic brain couldn’t help but think I had this ring from a family secret my grandma had given me that fate must have made me lose just so this perfect guy could find it and come into my life (yes I’m a very dorky romantic like that, probably why my sister was telling me to be careful).
He checks all my boxes. He’s the fun uncle so I know he’s good with kids, he’s got a masters degree so I know he’s smart, he’s in the marines part time, he’s athletic, he’s handsome and was so kind and polite to all our serving staff (such a big one for me) he didn’t fuss over me paying for dinner and he wasn’t overly forward when we said goodbye…because honestly I would have gone home with him had he asked.
The one thing that gives me pause is that he’s 31. I’m 23 and always was pretty critical of people who have significant age differences and 8 years is a lot.
We texted all day Saturday and I would have gone out with him again but he had plans. He asked if I wanted to do something on Sunday so yesterday we spent the day with him teaching me how to do stand up paddle boarding. It was so fun and seeing him without a shirt and muscles flexing while paddling…ovaries were on fire.
After we were done he asked me if I wanted to get takeout and come To his house to watch a football game. I said yes of course but wanted to shower. He said I could shower at his place. I said I wanted to get clean clothes and he said if I was Comfortable with it, I could wear one of his hoodies and pajama pants…and I was like oh my god…buddy you just opened a door I’m not sure you’re ready for and…YES I’ll steal your best hoodie on the second date.
We ended up talking through the entire game, I kept thinking he would try something but he was so shy and so sweet the entire time. I did tell him that I had to kiss him on the cheek as I was leaving because he had shown me such a great time. I think that relieved a lot of pressure because I could tell he wanted to but wasn’t sure how to go about it.
We agreed to get in touch to hang out later this week and I spent the night in my bed cuddling with his hoodie thinking really stupid things like if I should hyphenate my last name and what we’ll name our kids. Yes I’m a real dork like that but i REALLY like this guy. | Abodyfullofmush | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pnjd3t/oop_wants_to_ask_out_a_guy_who_works_at_a/ | pnjd3t | 7,698 | 1,853 | [
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2021-09-14T01:07:21 | OP spoke his "truth" and got a reality check. + Newest Update | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8qwhn/aita_for_speaking_my_truth/) by [u/Impressive\_Mix\_2559/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Impressive_Mix_2559/)
My sister is my Dad’s golden child and no matter how much I try to get him to see me as her equal it never works and I believe she takes advantage of it. Usually is not much of an issue, but this week some things happened which were the cherry on top.
I‘m hopefully getting married next year and she asked if she could invite her inlaws because they will come next time she comes over. I said OK only because my parents are paying but I know she just wants to do it for the attention. So she will have at least 4 people from her political family there and for sure parade them around. Also, my parents are about to have a big anniversary in November but they are postponing any celebration because my sister, who lives overseas, doesn’t want to travel so long until things are even calmer. BUT LAST MONTH SHE WENT ON A HOLIDAY TO A COUNTRY NEXT TO HERS.
I was having lunch with them and my fiance when they informed me they are moving their big celebration to next year and I couldn’t handle it anymore: I said to my Dad “of course you will postpone, we should all stop living until she is here” he said it was uncalled for and I was making a big deal about something that had nothing to do with me and my Mom said they will of course have something intimate and I was as important but I don’t believe it. I stood up and said to my Dad “I am so sorry the love of your life is not around but the most important woman in your life should be your wife not your daughter”. After that I left.
The next day I felt bad and tried to call my Mom who refuses to speak with me and just sent me a text telling me I was bitter and was hurtful and need help. But they and particularly my Dad hurt me with their desire of giving her such a prevalent role in their lives when she has lived abroad for like 10 years. My Dad blocked me and my fiance is worried they won’t pay for the wedding anymore. My sister, trying to be the center of the universe as usual, tried calling me but I didn’t reply.
I gave it a few days but my parents haven’t contacted me. My sister stopped trying to get in contact with me but she contacted my fiance to “check on me”. I visited my Grands today and she told me I need to apologize because my parents love us both but we are different and so got different things so I began to wonder if I was the asshole.
I just want some days where I am the most important person to my parents and still believe that my sister’s golden child status should be addressed and corrected but maybe I was the asshole for the way I expressed it?
Edit: I am (26M), my fiance or fiancee is a woman. English is not my first language sorry.
I also want to clear out I don't think my parents are bad people but just bad parents.
Edit2:
This is long time coming. My sister (33) and my Dad have a little club. She is smart, reading since 4 and all that. Since she was very young my Dad used to take her to visit his clients in a nearby city and sometimes she would stay with one of his best friends who owned a book store and she has a very large book collection that my parents refuse to throw away, even when I tell them to send them to the woman (Dad’s best friend) or my sister. They talk almost daily and discuss economics, politics, etc. I am not interested on any of those and yes he tried to take me with him but I was always bored and did things like going to my games or getting us stadium tickets for our team but I feel he likes her more. My Mom on the other hand has ups and downs with my sister because they are very different. The last issue was my sister’s weddings 5 years ago(YES SHE HAD TWO) one intimate where she lives and another in our country, and my Mom wanted to have her dresses made from a special fabric and my sister put a budget limit on how much the dress was going to be and even wanted to wear the same dress for both things. They had an argument but in the end she had 2 dresses but with the budget. She didn’t even let me bring my gf (future wife) because she wanted it to be intimate but there were like 50 people there. My Mom told my fiance she would be buying or making her dress SINGULAR, my Mom and fiance have a very good relationship so I am sure my sister was involved somehow in convincing her of that.
Sister has a Phd that my parents paid for and doesn’t work in the family businesses at all, only consults sometimes and pretends she doesn’t want to be paid for it. My parents supported her until she got a job and every time she graduated for the Masters and the Phd we had to go to Europe to be there. I work in a family business so I know they have to talk to me eventually even if they are angry. I could give more and more examples of their favoritism towards her. I also don’t hate her I just wish she would let me shine on my days.
And yes the wedding would be a gift but if they were willing to pay for two and many dresses and honeymoon then I deserve the same treatment!
Edit3/Update1:
In case anybody wants to know (you might be happy about this)
I got a message from my Dad telling me to be in a family zoom call, to say everything I want and everybody will take turns. He said if I didn’t attend he will pull out his funding from our business so I had to go but told him I will ask my fiance to be in too.
It was me, fiance, parents, sister and her husband. The moment I connected I noticed my sister was pissed. I was the first to speak, I told them all my feelings and even brought up the fact hey are treating my wedding differently and even what some commenters brought up about my parents leaving the businesses to my sister. I spoke about how hurtful it was they preferred her, they seem to talk to her about serious things and she gets so much and they all think she is great etc. Nobody said anything or interrupted me, which is very common in serious family talks. Then they asked if my fiance wanted to say anything and she bravely said she felt she was not part of the family and she always thought they thought of her as a daughter and she stands by me.
Then it was my Mom’s turn and she told me she was sorry about my feelings, that they tried to do things I liked and that they love us both equally. She said it was sad I pretended everything was ok and they didn’t know how deep it was but she still thinks I need help. She then told my fiance she loves her but my sister is her only daughter.
Then it was my Dad’s turn. He said he is sorry I feel he doesn’t like me but he isn’t sorry for loving his kid. He said I didn’t mind the tickets, cars, or even living in a house rent free and he is disappointed. He said everything they own will be divided 50-50 when they died and if I didn’t want my sister to have anything to do with our business then I can buy him out. He said they will pay for my wedding no matter what because it’s something they always wanted to do for they kids but are not happy with me. He also told my fiance that she should be grateful and not greedy.
By then I was upset with the lack of apologies and the attack of my fiance but I held it.
Then my BIL told me he didn’t know how I feel about his family and he just assumed his nuclear family would come just like I was at his brother’s wedding. He said no hard feelings over it.
Then it was my sister. A thing about my sister is that when she is truly angry she doesn’t swear or screams, she is just really cold, hard and to the neck. She said she could feel me distancing at around 10-11 when she visited from uni and I was not included in some conversations with my Dad. She said she accepted being my guardian at 18 if my parents died so she had to be brought up to speed on all matters and didn’t want to stress me out. She said she could have been a better sister and she was sorry I grew so full or resentment but that her career path had nothing to do with me. She reminded me I was offered to go abroad but I didn’t want to. She reminded me that I have gone on holidays with her and let me know those holidays were paid by her or her husband not my parents (news to me). She said she asked me about her inlaws coming because they need to plan the trip around my wedding. She said my fiance and I were only 7 months together when she got married and that she didn’t want my parents to have to pay for her trip. She said that the reason she doesn’t want to get paid for consulting is because she thinks is not right but that next time she will invoice me her actual hourly rate since I am so insulted by it. She said she went to the Netherlands (from Germany) because she was truly burned out and is pathetic I think is the same as taking a 10 hr plane. She said my Grandma was the one that told her everything I said because my parents tried to protect me and that she was done with me for the moment until I get therapy. And the last thing she said was that she loves me but doesn’t like me at all right now.
This is obvious summary but the was she said the things is something I have seen her do to people but never to me and I almost cried but she had no niceness in the eyes. My parents said they can get me therapy or I can find it myself and that if I don’t try something to help myself the wedding is the last thing I will get from them. What made me feel worse is how my sister spoke to me, she has never talked to me like this even when we argued so I know she is serious.
I got my A\*\* handed to me. Yes I am jealous and the asshole. I am upset my fiance is crying but I think I need to evaluate what my next move is.
Also we are from Latam.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/Impressive_Mix_2559/comments/p9cn6w/update/)
I haven’t been able to sleep and decided to read all the comments again. I tried calling my sister because even if yes I am jealous of her it still hurts me the way she talked to me. She refused to talk to me but I could speak with my BIL. He said the reason she doesn’t want to talk to me is because I hurt her deeply and she feels emotionally drained by me and knows if we talk she will say more hurtful things. This made me realize how much I love my sister and the problem is me. I still have bad feelings and feel I have been slighted, I can not say I am magically a different person but my family has never talked to me like they did and my sister has always defended me and I thought she did it to look good. I am beginning to think maybe she actually loves me. I am very confused.
My BIL is an amazing man too and he told me to just get help and give it time but I am unsure what to do or where to go, he told me to research therapists and pick one and he would help me choose if I want his help. He also said I should stop thinking my family doesn’t care that they are not perfect but they do their best. But he also asked me what is my fiance’s family contributing to the wedding or our lives and I could not think of anything. She lives with me, works with me and her parents are not paying anything because they say my family is better off. I don’t know where that will go but I did tell her I need help because I became a monster so no wedding until my family issue is fixed. She is crying but said she understands.
My Grandma said that she told my sister because my parents just told her there was an argument but not what I said, looking back what I said is disgusting and I feel bad about it. She said my family wouldn’t react so strongly unless they love me a lot. I asked my Dad if I can take some mental days off (noit a thing in my country) and he said it sounds like a good thing and reminded me they love me and just want me to be happy and not just pretend to be happy.
Also, the books are in her walk in closet in her bedroom at my parents. They still have a lot of my stuff in my bedroom and my parents said I am welcome to Sunday meeting whenever I feel ready to go. I also must admit that she did two weddings because my parents asked if she would be willing to do so. My Mom wanted to get her super fancy dresses and at the end they got 2 dresses for like 600 euros because my sister put a limit of 300 per dress. I think maybe I am jealous of her because she is actually better than me, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore or hurting my family anymore.
So I guess I can thank reddit for the hard comments, I have so many issues and so much jealousy about my sister to get over I don’t know where to start. I am beginning to doubt if I am even ready to get married. But if the comments had been full of support I would probably not see it. And of course my family call was really something hard to be in.
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/user/Impressive_Mix_2559/comments/pnlvlb/update_2/) (New)
It has been a very interesting time for me and my family. I wanted to share because you -redditors- are brutal but fair. Some told me I am rambling and yes I do so I try my best this time.
**My family** – After taking some days off work to process it all, my BIL found me a therapist and I started immediately. We have also done group sessions and “couple ones“ aka me and Dad, me and Mom, me and sister. It has helped me see all the issues and we are learning to communicate better as a family so nobody (me) feels unloved or unappreciated ever again. I now know I have a long road ahead but I want to be better. My parents say they just want the best for me and they want me to feel loved. Also, I am moving back home. After high school I moved out because I wanted to do things like my sister but I feel it is the best option so when my parents gave me the option I thought it over and agreed to. Baby steps but good ones.
**My sister** – She didn’t talk to me at all for about 10 days, and this might sound stupid but it is the longest sge hasn’t communicated with me ever. It hurt me a lot and I knew I hurt her a lot. In our session she showed me a list of many messages people send about me: They were all positive, praising my talents and all. She said we are different but great in out own ways and the reason I usually don’t hear how great I am is because people don’t praise me directly. She also told me most of the time when something happens that my parents know she might give me shit about they simply don’t tell her so I don’t have drama and joked maybe I am the true golden child since they shield me. She is talking to me again and has helped me a lot. Am I still jealous of her? Yes, but I want to transform that into admiration.
**My EX** – While I know my feelings are mine and I am responsible for them, my Ex did throw gasoline to it. She was always the first to point out anything my sister got that I didn’t, or how much money everybody spent on things, etc. Long story short, we broke up. Long story: I told her I was considering moving back with my parents and maybe getting a Master or something like that. She was not pleased with it and kept asking about the wedding, but I told her I could not think about marriage at this moment and maybe we could also use a break, I also told her I would give her three months to find a place to stay or she could pay rent on the house (my parents own it).
She was very angry, told me I had to marry her and if not at least let her live rent free and cover utilities and food because I was breaking up out of the blue. I told her that was the reason I was giving her three months and she could use her salary since she didn’t use a single cent while we were together. THEN things got weird and bad. She told me she was calling her family, not leaving the house and will sue me for mental distress. I did panicked, she said the same back in the day when I tried breaking up but then convinced me she was the only one that loved me. But this time I called my family and they told me to lock myself out the house and call a friend of my sister’s. He came and told her she can sue, she can do whatever, she is not getting anything and that my offer of the three months was off and he wanted her out ASAP. He took a video with the state of everything and told her if things are damaged I would sue her, turns out my sister told him this might be coming so he got infor from her and was prepared for it and did it as a favor to her since they are kindergarden friends. A couple of my cousins stayed with me until she left days later and her Dad told me I would go to hell. She is still working in the company and will have a job as long as she performs but I have no relation with her at all anymore and haven’t been to the office. YES, THERE IS NEPOTISM AND MY FAMILY HIRES EACH OTHER. But nobody would take away her job because she does an ok job and is always on time. I hope she finds love again, just not with me.
**And Me** – I am single, at home and most likely unemployed in the next months since my parents say I should focus on myself and my mental health. My BIL has been one of my rocks through this and he truly cares for all my family and we are becoming true friends. My Grandma let me know nobody liked my ex and she is happy we are not together anymore, she says they all started disliking her when she got upset they didn’t get her expensive things for our first christmas. My friends also told me they didn’t like her. Turns out everybody wanted it to end and some said so jokingly over the years but they thought she helped me out and made me happy so they dealt with her. I hope I get better luck in love but I need to be better too. I might take up the offer to start over abroad but I feel more positive. And yes my sister and I are trying to find common ground, she truly is amazing and the more I get to know her and her flaws and weird things like her lemon juice obsession, the more I like her.
At the end speaking my “truth“ got me what I needed and while I was a huige AH now I can admit how privileged I am. Still not perfect, but a little less AH. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pnsmt3/op_spoke_his_truth_and_got_a_reality_check_newest/ | pnsmt3 | 17,969 | 1,324 | [
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2021-09-14T21:58:01 | My [30F] fiance [M30] looked after another woman in front of my maid of honor [F31]. MOH is disgusted by his look and tells me I should not marry him. But she remembers the situation totally differently. | Relationship_Advice | *I am not the author. This is a repost.*
​
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oycoze/my_30f_fiance_m30_looked_after_another_woman_in/) by [u/confusedandconfused5](https://www.reddit.com/user/confusedandconfused5/)
Hello everyone. I would be very thankful for some outside perspective. I want to salvage a friendship but don't know how to proceed.
Also, English ist not my first language - sorry in advance.
I (F30) have been with my SO (M30) for 4 years, very happy and drama-free relationship. There is a couple that we're good friends with: Vicky and Tom (both 31). Vicky is my childhood friend and Tom is my SO's childhood friend, and they actually introduced us to each other. Which is why Vicky will be my maid of honor and Tom will be my SO's best man at our upcoming wedding in december. Ever since my SO and I have been together, we went out for drinks or dinners or tennis or (in the last year) video chats with Vicky and Tom on a weekly basis and I love these evenings, Vicky and Tom are so much fun to hang out with, everyone likes everyone, we always have a great time.
This year, the four of us went on a vacation together (for the first time). We rented a house by the sea and spent a week there. It was great fun until the last evening. We went to a restaurant by the sea and there was this little pier leading up to the restaurant. We had a nice dinner and drank some wine. Now, we head back to our vacation home which is when the situation in question occured:
We are all on the pier and a woman is coming towards us from the other direction. At first, I just saw her silhouette because the light was behind her and then she stepped into the light, and I don't know how to say this without objectifying or sounding creepy but she just looked STUNNING. Think Marilyn Monroe reincarnate but with an even crazier waist-to-hip-ratio. She honestly looked photoshopped. Easily the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. She looked out towards the sea with a cigarette in her hand and there was such a melancholy air about the whole scene, it was like out of a movie. Anyway, when she is almost passing us she suddenly looks at my SO (who was nearest to her) in a super sexy sort of way. I don't know how to describe it, but she simultaneously blew out the smoke through her nose and then bit her lip while looking directly at him and then she flicked the cigarette into the sea without even looking at it. I don't like people polluting the sea but she just looked so cool doing it lol. Sorry, I know I'm going into too much detail. Just know that she looked like straight out of a movie. So, she passes us and my SO and I look at each other and his face says "Omg did you see that?" and I just mouthed "wow", and as soon as she passed us my SO turns around and looks after her. For a long time. Basically until she's in the restaurant. I made a bit of fun of him for looking after her so obviously and that was that. Vicky made a comment right then and there, how it's really uncomfortable to be stared at like that, which is totally true of course. And I'm sorry for staring but I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Which doesn't make it ok, I know.
For the rest of the evening, Vicky was standoff-ish but I didn't know why, she didn't say anything. Then the next day she was even more so, I thought it was because the vacation was over and she had to get back to her stressful job the next day.
A week goes by and I call up Vicky to ask if they want to hang out on the weekend. She tells me she is not sure if she wants to see my SO because he behaved in such a disgusting way. I didn't know what she was talking about at first. Then she says, I was there when he was catcalling after the woman on the pier. I am 100% sure he didn't catcall. I told her as much. She just scoffs and says "sure, honey." Then we kind of awkwardly hang up.
Some days go by and Vicky texts me she would like to meet, just the two of us. We met for drinks yesterday. She basically told me she couldn't be my maid of honor, because she cannot watch me marry such a "disgusting" man. I told her again that he didn't catcall but she says that's beside the point. She told me I apparently didn't look at his face while he looked at the woman and his look was disgusting. She also asked me if I'm not worried at all, marrying him, now that I know what "his type" really was. I told her that even I stared at the woman, and she's certainly not MY type, because I'm not into women. She was just stunningly beautiful. Vicky says that's different, I should have seen the look. Well, I didn't know what to say to that, because I obviously didn't see it. I asked Vicky if she had a bad experience in a situation like that (I expected maybe the whole scene took her back to an uncomfortable situation she herself experienced) but she just waved it off. Said this wasn't about her. It was about him staring at "young women". Now, the woman wasn't particularly young, it's hard to guess her age because she was wearing a lot of make up but I would say she was at least in her late 20s. I'm just so confused, did we experience the same situation? It's like Vicky saw it completely differently!
When I got home, I told my SO and he was really surprised and told me that he didn't catcall and never would do something like that, and that he's sorry for staring at the woman, which is not even an issue for me! (But now I'm thinking, should it be?) He called Tom and asked his perspective and Tom was totally surprised as well, Vicky made some comments but he didn't know it was that big a deal and he didn't even know she doesn't want to be my maid of honor any more! Which makes me think, maybe this is not so serious after all, or she would have told Tom about it? Anyway, I'm at a loss. Can ONE LOOK really be so bad to change one's opinion of another person? Is Vicky exaggerating? Or am I not worried enough? May there be an underlying issue I am not seeing?
tl;dr - SO and I went to a restaurant with friends. A stunningly beautiful woman walks up to us and gives my husband a look that is out of this world. He stares at her. My friend (f31) and would be-maid of honor tells me how disgusting this was and that I can't marry a man like that. I don't get it.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/poa6sf/update_my_30f_fiance_m30_looked_after_another/)
Hello everyone, some time has gone by since my first post and I wanted to let all the helpful commentators in my OP know how the situation unfolded...
So, first off: thanks for all your insights, it made me think about my friendship with Vicky and I realized that ever since I've been together with my SO, Vicky and I have almost never seen each other one-on-one any more. I thought about all the possible reasons for how Vicky acted that were brought up in the comments. Some of them seemed reasonable enough:
* Vickys desire to be the first to marry, as she and Tom have been together longer. Being my MOH may have been "too much" for her.
* possible jealousy issue between Vicky and Tom that I didn't see, especially because Tom is out of town a lot
* catcalling situation in Vicky's past?
* maybe Vicky has a thing for my SO. This was brought up a couple of times and I found it pretty ridiculous at first, but I'll come to that later.
Anyway, I decided to give Vicky another week to cool off. Then I met her for brunch and talked it all over with her one more time. Told her that there was no catcalling and that I'm totally ok with my SO looking after the occasional ghost of Marilyn Monroe. I also told her that if she didn't want to be my MOH any more, that was totally fine and I would love to have her at our wedding as a guest. She seemed really relieved at this last suggestion, and told me she can't imagine being my MOH now (she can't forget the disgusting look on SO's face after all) but she would like to attend the wedding. Which made me think, maybe she really wanted to get out of the MOH thing and was just grasping at straws and picked the first situation that presented itself for some sort of drama.
So, we parted on friendly terms, and I decided to spend more time with Vicky one-on-one without the guys. Maybe then she would open up more and tell me what the real problem was at some point? When I got home however, my SO says: "So, I guess Vicky's not mad anymore?" "Sure", I say. "How do you know?" Turns out, the minute Vicky left the restaurant, she already texted my SO and asked him if he wanted to play tennis with her on Friday. (Vicky and one of her colleagues have a weekly reservation at a tennis club and whenever the colleague can't make it, Vicky asks my SO. This happens about once a month). But it seemed weird to me. She thinks he's so disgusting but she wants to play tennis with him? During the next few days I was a bit torn. Was this Vicky's way of an olive branch or was there something about the comments with Vicky having a thing for my SO?
A situation came to mind. When I was still single and Vicky wanted to set me up with my now-SO, she always went on and on about how handsome he was etc. and saying things like "if I wasn't with Tom, I would totally date him." But I thought she just really wanted me to go on a date back then. Anyway, after another day of thinking I asked my SO if he thought it a possibility. He laughed it off at first. "So she never said anything?", I asked. "Never.", he said. "Well, except for when we met of course." Then, my SO went on to tell me the REAL story about how Vicky and Tom met. Apparently, Tom and my SO were at a bar, Vicky comes in and walks up to my SO with a super cheesy pick up line, but he (who was in another relationship back then) introduced her to Tom and they hit it off right away. Now, this is not how Vicky tells it. I have listened to her version of events time and time again with different friends groups and it's always a "love at first sight" sort of story. My SO has been there with me time and I don't really understand why he never told me the real story. But then again, this was seven years ago...
My SO also asked me if I wanted to go through Vickys messages to him. That maybe I would pick up on something he didn't see. I did, but there really wasn't much there. Most of the messages were about tennis. Sometimes, it felt like Vicky wanted to follow up on something the next day "Thanks again for the match yesterday. By the way, the meeting went really well." or something like that. But my SO is so bad at texting, and he just replied with a thumbs up. So there was never a real conversation going on. And then, the week before our vacation, she sent him a bikini picture. Now, to be clear, it was a picture of a bikini, not of HER in a bikini. The caption said: "Do you think I can wear this to water skiing?" My SO replied with the thumbs up emoji once again. But I found it a bit weird that she didn't send it to our group chat. Also, in the corner of the picture you could see a really sexy lingerie-style bra lying next to the bikini. Idk, the whole picture gave off a weird vibe.
I already had "Why would you send a picture of a bikini to my SO?" typed out to Vicky, but then I decided to just let it go. I have a job and a wedding to plan and no time for drama. So I decided that even though I don't know what exactly Vickys motives are, there is something fishy going on that I do not want to waste my energy on. So, I will just let the friendship "fade out", even though I'm sad about it. I guess you can't keep all your childhood friends...
I know, this is not a very satsifying update and not very spectacular but I decided to post it anyway... I guess the real reason for Vickys reaction was probably a combination of wanting to marry and maybe liking my SO a little too much because she's lonely when Tom is out of town!? Anyway, she's certainly not being honest to me and I'm so tired of all this highschool crap...
**tl;dr** MOH finds my SO disgusting but still wants to play tennis with him. Also sends him pictures of her bikini and apparently hit on him seven years ago. I don't really know what to think except I'm too old for that sh\*t and not going to keep this friendship alive... | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pocn4r/my_30f_fiance_m30_looked_after_another_woman_in/ | pocn4r | 12,261 | 1,462 | [
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2021-09-15T07:16:16 | Young-looking OP has their driver's license and passport stolen by a bartender, who insists the documents are fake IDs and that the bar has the right to confiscate them. [Posted two years ago. ; | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pol8fz/younglooking_op_has_their_drivers_license_and/ | pol8fz | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-09-15T17:00:40 | My fiancée randomly claimed I abused her | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cba218/my_29m_fiancee_28f_of_4_years_randomly_claimed_i/) *is by* [u/randomabusethrow](https://www.reddit.com/user/randomabusethrow/)
I honestly don't know what happened. A couple of days ago, my girlfriend who I lived with left our apartment while I was at work, claimed to her family and mutual friends that I'd been physically abusing her, and blocked me on everything. I have no idea what's going on. There weren't any major problems in our relationship that I could see, and we just had consensual sex last night. The very last time I spoke to her before all of this happened, she was perfectly fine, kissed me goodbye before I went to work, and everything was normal.
Then I got a call from my dad toward the end of the day asking me calmly if I've been hitting my girlfriend. I didn't know what he was talking about, and then she told me.
I rushed home, and she had gotten all of her stuff and is staying either with her family, or a friend of hers. My Facebook account is blowing up, and I have no idea what to do.
None of what is being said is true, and I don't know if someone is just playing a cruel joke on me. A few people even mentioned that the police were called, but I haven't heard anything as of yet.
The last major argument we had was probably in February around Valentine's Day. We were going through some financial trouble, the stress got to us, and we were both getting upset with each other over petty, household things. She was my best friend, the person I could rely on to be there for me, and the person I would be there for always, no matter what. We were definitely planning on getting married. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when. Her family had basically accepted me into the family. I was close with both her mom and her dad. I only called them both once each -- neither of them answered my calls. I called my, I don't know, ex? just twice. No answer. She blocked me on every social media platform of hers that I know of. I asked a couple of friends, but they are being distant with me -- just one word answers, or ghosting me.
What the fuck is happening here? We'd always been up front and honest with each other, and our communication was stellar.
tl;dr: I guess my girlfriend decided she wasn't happy in the relationship or something, and instead of breaking up with me, she left behind my back completely out of the blue, and claimed to everyone that I've been physically abusing her. I have no idea what's going on.
​
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cc3mlx/update_my_29m_fiancee_28f_of_4_years_randomly/)
Okay so this is going to be a weird ass update. I'm sorry if you guys thought this was going to be anything interesting.
A friend came forward and told me that apparently my dumb ass fiancee decided to play a prank on me. She had the bright idea of leaving the house for a couple of days to set up a surprise birthday party for me set for this weekend. I don't know what the fuck she was thinking, nor do I even really know the full story yet. She is not really the prank playing type and I guess thought this would be hilarious or something.
It looks like a majority of those "friends" who were acting distant were in on it. After I started being up front and honest with showing people my texts with her as this sub suggested, one of them told her that this wasn't cool, and that if she didn't come clean, than he would. Well, she didn't come clean, and he came forward. I guess that's why nobody was answering their texts?
Anyway, I texted her and I told her that I knew, asked her what the fuck she was thinking. She started blowing my phone up apologizing. She said her prank just went too far and spiraled out of control when it got to social media, and that she didn't know how to come clean when she realized that it crossed a line. She also said that she didn't mean to let it come out that I was abusing her, and that she just wanted to make it seem like she left me, and that the abuse stuff was a rumor started by some other people who weren't in on her joke.
I just didn't really respond to her. I left and went to my parents' house before she got back home. My family now thinks she's a fucking moron, so her relationship with them is ruined right before our marriage, so that's great. Our mutual friends are now split in half with half of them thinking she's an idiot, and the other half feeling god knows what about the situation. I'm frankly embarrassed, and feel stupid for wasting everyone's time and dragging them into my relationship with my fiancée.
I don't really know where to go from here. I don't know if I should call of the wedding, or postpone it and try to work out what the hell went through her mind.
I'm sorry if this isn't the ending to the story you were all hoping for. I'm having drinks and will be here all night feeling sorry for myself and answering comments for as long as I'm awake with this Jameson.
tl;dr: This was actually just a stupid prank by my fiancée.
​
[***FINAL UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cd2qxf/final_update_my_29m_fiancee_28f_of_4_years/)
So firstly thanks for all of your input. I read and considered every single reply. First I'll update you, then I'll tie up some loose ends from the comments in the previous post. I want to apologize for the bluntness of this post ahead of time, because despite your comments about me being calm and level headed, I'm actually quite upset about the entire situation, and I feel like me sitting and thinking about it is only marinating this anger and making it more juicy and flavorful.
I spoke to her in person after I posted my update. From her perspective, her original idea was to make it look like she just got mad or something, grabbed a few things, and left to her friend's house, where she was going to have the party thrown. Her friend has a really nice house that's perfect for a 20-30 person get-together. She was with her two friends, and made an off the cuff remark when her friend said, "what are you going to say when he asks why?" and she said, "I don't know, I'll probably tell him that I feel like he got too serious when we had sex," or something like that. Then her other friend who was with her immediately took it to social media without the other two girls knowing, and then when they checked their phones later on that day, it was already a dumpster fire.
I said great, all that is understandable. Just one question - why did you then block me and then refuse to answer my calls, because that seemed pretty fucking intentional to me.
She said because she didn't want to throw her idiot friend under the bus, and thought it would all go away if she just threw the party, and she hadn't realized how far it all went so quickly.
I thanked her for telling me, and then I called off the wedding entirely.
She cried, I cried, it was a goddamn mess. She asked where we go from here. I told her I don't know. I don't even know if the relationship is over yet, but I know that the engagement is over, and that **if** I decide to give it another chance, at the bare minimum, we need to build my trust for her from the ground up, if not the entire relationship. And now I have to decide if **I** want that. Do I went to spend another 4 years being undecided? If I'm being honest with myself, I imagine it taking another couple of years before I can trust her again. Do I want to get married and start *thinking* about having children at 35? 36? Close to 40?
I told her that I have a lot to think about.
I spoke to her dad last night. We shared a case of beers and had a conversation that lasted about 5 hours. My ex (?) hasn't spoken to anyone, and has basically been locked up in her old bedroom for now. She's been crying a lot. I do believe that she's genuinely remorseful about all of this, which complicates things.
Her dad caught wind of the situation on Facebook but learned what was really going on maybe like an hour later. He'd gotten my calls, but hadn't returned them because he called his daughter first. She told him, and he just didn't know what to say to her. He told me that she's not truly stupid, but that she has a history of sometimes not thinking about things before she says them, and the impact her off-hand remarks can have. He said this is the worst it's ever snowballed, but she's had situations in the past where she says something stupid or insulting, and doesn't realize the impact of what she said until hours later when the other person blows up over it.
So that's it. I still have a lot to think about. I know a lot of you guys are telling me that I have no balls for not literally tossing her out into traffic and laughing about it or something weird like that, but you have to understand that I still love her and have loved her for a few years now. Right now, I'm leaning toward moving on, but you're going to have to empathize with me here.
As for my reputation, nobody thinks I'm an abuser. It's firmly out there now. Her reputation took a much more significant and lasting hit. I haven't lost any friends, except for the idiot social media girl (whose reputation also took a severe hit), nobody called the cops, all the other posts about it have been deleted...everything is good. There's no real need for me to get a lawyer and sue anybody.
My family agrees with a lot of you. They're 2 seconds away from slapping me upside me head for not immediately kicking her to the curb. Just give me some time. I'm not going to make another update post, because I've already wasted too much of your time with this bullshit, but maybe I'll just update this post in a few days after I've decided what to do. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pou6qu/my_fiancée_randomly_claimed_i_abused_her/ | pou6qu | 9,820 | 2,134 | [
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2021-09-15T20:06:05 | AITA for canceling the family trip because my stepson damaged my plants? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/otagcv/aita_for_canceling_the_family_trip_because_my/) by u/No-Orchid-7277
I grow indoor plants and keep them around the house whether by the kitchen window or out on the front porch. I have a variety of plants like Lily, aloe vera, also flowers and they all require care and attention. It's a hobby of mine and because I don't own enough space I just stick to indoor planting.
I have a 16 year old stepson Sean who loves to pull all kinds of pranks and has been trying some weird-prankes on me lately. I don't mind it as long as he's happy and also because nothing is too serious just hiding my farming tools/replacing them with damaged ones and so on. He just keeps messing around like any other kid. days ago he posted a FB video of him spraying cold water on me when I was sleeping. It was embarrassing since he shared it with family. I got mad at him and had him delete it despite him begging me to let him keep it. He kept sulking afterwards and had his mom try to convince me to let him repost the video but I thought that was crazy request. Sean suddenly became friendly and asked if he could water my plants, I was glad he asked and gave him the watering can and told him to start with the plants in the kitchen. He was gone for few minutes then he got back and started watering all the plants in the house.
Later in the evening I was cleaning my tools and there was a weird smell coming from the watering can. It smelled like bleach. I freaked out and checked my plants and the same smell was coming from them . I confronted Sean and asked what he watered the plants with. He acted dumb and said nothing but I found a bottle of bleach in his room which made me lose my temper. He admitted watering my plants with bleach to get back at me for making him remove the video. I was mortified I immediately canceled the weekend trip to the national park that he was looking forward to. he started crying saying it was too much and he made a mistake in moment of clouded judgement. I refused to discuss it, My wife feels bad Sean hasn't been eating well since I canceled the trip but he damaged my plants and caused me hurt and pain. She thinks an apology was enough, he is a kid and made a mistake. She wanted me to let it go but I said canceling the trip is his official punishment, Period I got called unreasonable and stubborn for this and that I don't respect her as a parent too and said taking away the only thing he cares about the most and look forward the most reeks of ab%$&se.
Sean has this mentally that if he admits doing something wrong then he'll be forgiven. This isn't how it should be but his mother thinks admitting to it and apologizing should be the end of it.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/powq1l/update_aita_for_cancelling_the_family_trip/)
Hi folks, It's been a month since I've posted about my issue with my stepson. so much has happened in the past weeks and I had many many people asking what happened so I figured I'd update.
So after I canceled the weekend trip to the national park because of what Sean did. He cried a lot and repeatedly apologized and then stopped eating gradually til the point where he stopped eating for 2 days straight. I knew all that from his SM account where he live streamed his "suffering" on facebook and to get support. My inlaws found out and got involved. I sat them and my wife down for a civil discussion about Sean's behavior and talked how out of control his pranks have gotten. I explained to them that the biggest issue at hand is not the the trip being cancellation but Sean's attitude that needs instant intervention and since they didn't take any action and instead tried to justify his actions as "typical teenage behavior" I made it clear that therapy is a must at this point. I had a heart to heart with Sean later on and explained to him how I was negated affected by what he did to my plants. He apologized again but I told him an apology is good but not good enough and that if he still wanted to go to on the weekend trip to the national park then there are steps he needed to take to ensure that he's indeed sorry and regretted and acknowledged what he did.
He offered his savings for a new Xbox to help replace the plants (I did try to save my damaged plants but unfortunately they died at my dad's farm but I was comforted by the fact that I didn't invest much in them) and agreed to go to therapy that I spent months convincing him of getting. My wife thought this would hopefully get this problem figured out. I agreed to his offer and involved him in picking and arranging for the new plants. I even took him to my dad's farm to teach him few things about farming/gardening in generally since he's always been interested in planting. In a matter of 3 days we were able to get everything set for the new plants and he posted several videos of how the whole process after he got my consent.
It was a long, exhausting week but Sean still had energy for the weekend trip and was thrilled to go. Seeing how happy he was I then knew how much this trip mattered to him. I'm just glad I was able to reach this agreement eventually and to be able to not only get new plants but get him to take part in my hobby and use it as our new bonding activity as well as content for his YouTube channel.
He started therapy a week ago and I'm excited for him to make some improvements, I was a child of a step family so I get how complicated it can get. But I love Sean and I care about him so much and want to continue to grow a bond with him and hopefully have our own ways of innocent pranking and joking. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/poxtp2/aita_for_canceling_the_family_trip_because_my/ | poxtp2 | 5,680 | 1,339 | [
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2021-09-16T00:19:10 | A Woman Buys Her BFF's Daughter A Gift And It Exposes Something Unexpected | AITA | TW: >!Child Abuse!< And this is a >!Sad post with a better but still sad ending!<
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oph8ex/comment/h746zrp/)
AITA for not letting my friend give her daughter the gift I bought
I (34F) am very good friends with a single mom Kathy (30F). I’ve known her for 8 years and met her when her daughter, Lisa was turning 1. We consider each other like family and Lisa often spends time at my house (sometimes weeks). We go on outings together and I’ve taken Lisa out to parks etc with my kids whether or not her mom could make it.
Lisa has been talking about wanting a bike since last year, but Kathy couldn’t afford it. Both my kids have bikes and I think she feels left out when she’s here and they go riding. I spoke to my husband and we decided to purchase a bike for Lisa’s 9th birthday. I asked Kathy if she was ok with us doing that and she said yes.
Last Saturday was Lisa’s birthday and she had a party. I decided not to give her the bike at the party because I didn’t want to upstage whatever gift Kathy had gotten her, plus she was coming to spend 5 weeks at my house and my husband is the one who has to teach her to ride it. So it just made sense to give it to her when she comes to our house and I just walked with a reloadable gift card for her favorite store and a birthday card. When I got there Kathy asked me where the bike was. I told her I left it at home and explained my reasoning. She got angry and said she was planning to give Lisa the bike as a gift from her and she can’t believe I would rub it in her face that we can give Lisa things that she can’t afford.
I was very surprised because she never mentioned anything like this and I specifically asked for permission before buying the bike. If she had said she prefers to do it then I would’ve gotten her something else. Kathy had no gift for Lisa so I gave her the gift card I had and I told Lisa her gift from he hadn’t arrived in time.
Now Kathy is telling me she doesn’t want me to give Lisa the bike that I already purchased and that my kids are excited about giving to their ‘cousin’. AITA for still wanting to give Lisa the bike?
Update:
So I met with Kathy today and basically asked her what is going on. She said that her new boyfriend thought that I flaunt my wealth in her face and purposely try to make her look bad by giving Lisa things that she can’t. They’ve been together for a couple months. The plan was that she would get the bike and present it to Lisa before I got the chance to which is why she was so upset when I didn’t bring it.
I told her I’m sorry she feels that way and that she’s letting this man affect her in that way but if she’s so easily influenced and can let her child suffer for it then I don’t want to be a part of it. I’m going to have Lisa stay with us for a week to give her time to find alternative childcare and I’m giving the bike to her when she comes.
It hurts to let Lisa go, but I can’t enable her mother’s behaviour. My plan is to tell her that plans changed so she’ll only be staying for a week, but she can always call me with her mom’s permission. I’m not going to tell her anything about the issues between her mom and I cause she’s a child. It’s not the conclusion I hoped for, but that’s life.
*First update 1 week later in the comments:*
I spoke to Lisa on Monday. She said Kathy told her that the boyfriend will be babysitting and Lisa wasn’t ok with that because she barely knows him and feels uncomfortable around him. She opened up to me about things she’s experienced like waking up to him watching her sleep and Kathy just told her she’s exaggerating and he’s not like that. So for Lisa’s sake I asked Kathy if she will be willing to let her stay the month as previously planned. I met the boyfriend when Lisa was dropped off and he tried to hug and kiss her when she clearly didn’t want to and Kathy told her to stop being rude to him cause he’s her stepfather. It was just a very uncomfortable situation and the interaction is what prompted Lisa to tell me about how she’s been feeling at home.
I asked Kathy about their situation and she said he’s been staying with them for the last 2 weeks and he was upset that Lisa wouldn’t be staying at home while she works because it made him feel like Kathy doesn’t trust him. I’m getting serious pedo vibes from him so I’m going to protect Lisa as much as I can. Kathy gave him my number for some reason and he called to ask if Lisa and my daughter can have an overnight with him at Kathy’s apartment because it would be nice for them to spend some time somewhere other than my house. I hung up on him and blew up on Kathy because he clearly has ulterior motives. It’s gone past the bike issue and has become a safety issue now. So Lisa is with me until further notice.
*Second update 7 weeks later in the comments:*
Hey, yes Lisa is still with me, I have temporary custody of her. She went back home to start school and her mom’s boyfriend tried to assault her. She called me from the bathroom crying and I went over there with the police. He’s been arrested and drugs were found in the house. Kathy was also arrested for drug possession. The police tried contacting her grandmother to take her in and the grandmother said to leave her with me. Kathy also wrote to the court requesting that I be given temporary custody whilst she’s in jail because she couldn’t make bail on her own and I’m not willing to post it for her.
I started Lisa in therapy and spoke to her school so they know what’s going on. It’s crazy that this all started with a birthday gift, but I’m glad I’m able to be there for Lisa. She hasn’t spoken to her mom since the incident but it’s something the therapist will work her up to. And she has her bike to use whenever she wants.
*ETA From a comment:*
Q: I’m a little curious, what does Kathy have to say for herself now that the truth has been shoved in her face about her boyfriend?
OP's A: I honestly haven’t spoken to her much but when I did she was in tears and apologetic. I think the reality of everything is still setting for her. I told her she doesn’t need to apologize to me but she needs to sort herself out and do better. She’s asked to see Lisa or speak to her on the phone and I told her while I understand I’m not going to force it because Lisa’s been very traumatized. I suggested she write a letter to her instead. I’m not sure how she got to this point and I never saw any indications of drug use in her behaviour so I don’t think she’s been using long. I can | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pp2fwn/a_woman_buys_her_bffs_daughter_a_gift_and_it/ | pp2fwn | 6,591 | 2,917 | [
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2021-09-16T18:31:25 | Jealous boyfriend tries to crash Girls Night Out | Relationships | *This is a repost, I am not OP.*
Update mood: >!this is a happy update!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/plav09/my_23_f_best_friends_23_f_boyfriend_25_m_is_so/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
My (23 f) best friend’s (23 f) boyfriend (25? m) is so jealous he wants to ruin our girl’s night out.
My best friend is Angie (23 f) who I’ve known since high school. I stared dating Angie’s brother Rob (27 m) in May of this year. Even though Angie encouraged me to get with her brother I think we both knew our relationship would change a bit as a result of me dating him.
Obviously since I’ve been with Rob I’ve spent the majority of my free time with him. It seems like we can’t get enough of each other sometimes. I started to feel like I was being a terrible friend to her. I told Rob how I was feeling. He suggested Angie and I needed a day together to hang out.
He went and bought both of us gift certificates for a nail salon that we both like so we can get mani/pedis. Then he told me that after that Angie and I should go out to dinner and hang out like we did before I started dating him. He said he felt bad too because sometimes it seemed like he stole his sisters best friend.
So I called Angie up and told her what Rob had said and she was really excited to do this. We eventually included two of our other girlfriends in the plans to go out for dinner then go to a club after. Rob was cool with our plans. He and his friends are going to hang out at his house and play board games for the night.
Angie’s boyfriend Derek is not as enthusiastic about the whole thing. When we were at Rob’s house for a Labor Day cookout he asked Rob in front of me if he felt comfortable letting his woman go out to a club without him. Rob jokingly responded “Who’s she going to run off with when she’s got all this waiting at home for her?”
Now I know Rob said that as a joke but I do feel that way. I think I’ve got such a great boyfriend and we have such a good relationship I’d never even be tempted. Plus I know Rob trusts me and isn’t the jealous type.
Derek didn’t think it was funny and kept pressing Rob about him “letting” me go out. I broke in and said Rob isn’t letting me do anything. I’m a big girl and so is Angela.
Now Derek is insisting that he wants to come along. Rob is really annoyed and says he’s acting like a punk. I talked to Angie and she says I should talk Rob into coming too. I don’t want Rob coming and he doesn’t want to come either. He’s looking forward to having his friends over so they can play board games and talk trash to each other. I even asked if he’d invite Derek and he said “I don’t want that douche over here.” I’ve always suspected that Rob didn’t really like Derek but now I know for certain. He only puts up with him for his sister’s sake.
Rob is also annoyed that Angie just doesn’t tell Derek she’s going out and that’s that. He also said if Derek asks him about going along one more time he’s going to tell him to grow up. He feels like Derek not trusting his sister is an insult to her.
I’ve talked to our other two friends who are planning on joining us and neither of them wants Derek tagging along. How do I tell Angie politely that no one wants her boyfriend there? If she decide not to go it ruins the whole reason I wanted to do this whole night in the first place. So Angie and I could spend some quality time together.
TL;DR: my best friend’s boyfriend is insisting on tagging along on our girls night out and no one wants him there.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/ppg8xp/update_my_23_f_best_friends_23_f_boyfriend_25_m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
UPDATE: My (23 f) best friend’s (23 f) boyfriend (25 m) is so jealous he wants to ruin our girl’s night out.
I posted about this situation last week and I thought I’d give an update on what happened last weekend.
[Here’s the original post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/plav09/my_23_f_best_friends_23_f_boyfriend_25_m_is_so/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Angela put her foot down and told Derek that she didn’t want him coming along with us on our girl’s night out. Derek gave her an ultimatum that either he came along with us or they were through.
I had a talk with Angela on Saturday morning and she told me about the ultimatum and said she was tired of Derek thinking he could run her life. So she and I want and had our nails done on Saturday afternoon with the gift cards that my boyfriend Rob had bought for us. If you didn’t read my original post Rob is Angie’s brother. He said he sometimes feels like he stole his sister’s best friend so he bought us the gift cards so we’d be able to spend some quality time together.
Saturday evening Angela, me and three of our other girlfriends went out to dinner together. During dinner Derek was blowing up Angela’s phone with texts. She tried to ignore them but eventually she responded that she was still going out with us and that was that.
We all went to a club and had some drinks and danced until around midnight. Our friend Jenny was our designated driver and she dropped us off at our places. She was going to drop me at Rob’s house last. We went to drop Angela off at her apartment and Derek was waiting in the parking lot.
He started screaming at Angela and at us. Saying that we were encouraging her to be unfaithful to him. We were all pretty scared and I wouldn’t let Angie out of the car. So Jenny took me and Angie over to Rob’s house.
Rob had some of his friends over Saturday night for a game night. When we got there his friend Tony was still there. Rob was really pissed when he heard how Derek had acted. Him and Tony took Angela back to her place. I guess they had some words with Derek and he ended up leaving her place.
Rob insisted that Angie should stay that night at his house with us. He was worried that Derek might come back. So now Angel has told Derek that he needs to leave her alone or she’s going to call the police. He tried to apologize for how he acted but Angela told him they are through.
So far Derek has left her alone aside from saying he needs to come to her place to get some of his stuff. Which she agreed to as long as Rob and her dad are there when he comes.
I know Angela feels bad that her relationship didn’t work out but I think she’s better off without a guy like that in her life.
TL;DR: My (23 f) best friend’s (23 f) boyfriend (25 m) gave her an ultimatum about going out with her friends. She went anyway and he got aggressive with her about it. She dumped him because of it. | embinksyy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ppj3lb/jealous_boyfriend_tries_to_crash_girls_night_out/ | ppj3lb | 6,676 | 1,421 | [
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2021-09-16T19:12:18 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ppjw1u/deleted_by_user/ | ppjw1u | 9 | 6 | [
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2021-09-16T19:55:22 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ppkqqq/deleted_by_user/ | ppkqqq | 9 | 1,055 | [
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2021-09-17T03:06:58 | OP doesn't want a dedicated room for SD | AITA | *This is a repost, I am not OP.*
Mood Spoiler: (Edited: I removed this cause I can't seem to get spoiler tags to work)
[AITA for telling my BF that his daughter can't have her own room in our house?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pgk8l7/aita_for_telling_my_bf_that_his_daughter_cant/) posted by [u/RoommateMovingOut/](https://www.reddit.com/user/RoommateMovingOut/)
So my boyfriend (30M) and I (24F) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. We move in at the end of the month.
My boyfriend has a four year old daughter "Kate" from a previous relationship. I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.
Our new house is about a 30 minute drive from Kate's mom's house. It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.
Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. My issue with this is that I don't want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. Rather, I want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom.
Of course Kate can stay there whenever she wants to. This isn't part of the debate, I want her to feel welcome all the time. But I don't want it to be *only* her room. I don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. I don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.
In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.
That's why I want to set expectations now - that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."
My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "Kate's room."
I still don't think it's fair to have a room just for Kate when she won't use it very often. And I think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving Kate's room away to a future child.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ppqlfm/update_aita_for_telling_my_bf_that_his_daughter/)
Hi Everyone!
First of all, I want to give you all a big thank you. By posting in this sub, I was able to realize just how wrong I was. A lot of you shared your own stories of similar things growing up, and how it lead to resentment between you and your parents and stepparents, and that is the absolute last thing I want for me and Kate.
Call me naïve, but I simply didn't realize the harm I was perpetuating by withholding a room of Kate's own. By doing so, I was removing a sense of true belonging and welcome.
And to those of you that felt personally hurt and victimized by my actions, I am sorry. A number of you have reached out to me privately in anger, and I know that comes from a place of pain and sadness. To you, I am sending along my love.
In the aftermath of posting, I watched the comments pour in. At first, I was devastated - but with time, I realized that many of you were saying the exact same thing - that Kate needs her own room. That it will still be her home, even if she won’t be there very often. I showed my boyfriend my post and he laughed at me. He told me I was insane for thinking that Kate wouldn’t get to have her own room. The past few weeks, we have been occupied with our move and putting together the rooms. We haven’t moved over Kate’s bed and dresser yet, but we have freshly painted the wall Kate’s favourite light blue, and have bought a brand new ikea toy chest for her.
We have decided to double the second room as an office/guest room - with a pull-out couch and two desks. The pull-out is comfortable, as both a couch *and* a bed - I’ve tested it! It’s a little bit crowded in there, but I think it will be a while before we will have guests anyway.
This past Sunday, my boyfriend brought Kate and me to a nearby federal park. We took a short hike to these ruins - one of Kate’s favourite places in the world. We had a picnic, and while we were eating, I could see Kate couldn’t sit still. She was trying to hold back a big smile and asked her dad, “Can we do it now?” I was confused, and he said, “After we finish eating.”
It turns out the two of them had been planning this for a while. They were spending many days together before she started pre-school, sitting in the park and going over every detail. He asked me to marry him, well, Kate asked. In the past, my BF and I had always agreed that we didn’t want to get married, but when he asked my heart almost stopped and I said yes. I was so caught off guard, but he said with the big change of the new house, he just felt like the time was right.
As many of you have said, I shouldn’t have been concerned with welcoming Kate into my home, rather, I should be concerned with being welcomed into Kate’s home. And I do feel this. I want to be a part of Kate’s family, and I feel very lucky to be given the opportunity. And I promise I won’t let it go to waste. | astareastar | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pps2s8/op_doesnt_want_a_dedicated_room_for_sd/ | pps2s8 | 5,572 | 1,283 | [
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2021-09-17T03:13:13 | Op wants stepdaughter to not have her own room | AITA | [removed] | Ghostofamermaid | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pps6am/op_wants_stepdaughter_to_not_have_her_own_room/ | pps6am | 9 | 50 | [
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2021-09-17T23:13:53 | My sister is angry because we're dating two different men with the same name | AmItheButtface | *A reminder that this is a repost and I didn't post the original posts. You can stop leaving comments that I should lie about the guy's name, it's not a useful way to spend your time.*
Mood of update after update #2 >!not so hopeless!<
[AITB for dating someone who has the same name as my sister's boyfriend?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/p6clep/aitb_for_dating_someone_who_has_the_same_name_as/)
Throwaway (probably) and on mobile, sorry.
I've (18f) been friends with "Chris" (18m) for a while, and we found out we had mutual feelings so we're very fresh in the early dates stage. We're not an official couple yet, but it seems things are moving towards that way.
My sister (21f) has been dating her boyfriend "Chris" (24m) (DIFFERENT chris from the one I'm dating, just the same name) for nearly 5 years. She asked me where I was going and I said I was going on a date with a guy. Naturally, she wanted to know more details and I told her his name. She completely freaked out, and after a rampage told me she does not want to be my sister anymore if I could be so disrespectful to date anyone with the same name as her boyfriend. In my opinion, her reaction was proportional to that of someone who just found out I had slept with her boyfriend (obviously haven't).
Things have completely escalated, and she managed to convince my mom to be against me and who I chose to date, and my mother said he won't be welcome in our home.
Is it really that big of a deal to happen to date someone with the same name as your siblings SO? I feel like I'm going crazy. AITB?
TLDR: Am seeing someone who shares a name as my sister's boyfriend. Sister is furious. AITB?
Edit 1: I wanted to add some extra information down here on how the situation escalated more.
My sister was so angry about me being with someone, she tried to hack my accounts and find "my Chris's" social media (like Steam). On Steam she saw he has a few h@ntai games his friend gifted him as a joke. She has used this to convince my mother he is a perverted p@do (he isn't), which made my mother say he is not welcome in our house and I am practically disowned until I "choose my family" over him.
[AITB UPDATE: AITB for dating someone with the same name as my sister's boyfriend?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/pq6izu/aitb_update_aitb_for_dating_someone_with_the_same/)
Hi all, back on mobile. I wish I had a happy update for you guys, as you guys were so supportive in my original post a month ago. Sadly, that is not the case.
My sister (21f) has been completely succesful in manipulating my parents to absolutely hate my "Chris" (18m), despite having never met him. She paints herself as wanting the best for me, a guy who "deserves" me, but in reality she just could not take it that MY "Chris" has the same name as HER "Chris" (24m).
The month was filled with either me being frozen out at home, or being screamed at and torn apart emotionally. I was determined to continue seeing my "Chris", because I like him and he makes me happy. Today, my parents told me they would be dead to me if I continued seeing him. The narrative they all believe in is that "I chose Chris over my family" and that I should not date them if it makes them unhappy. I have never felt so tired in my life - they gaslighted me, yell at me late at night, even though they know i have to get up at 6:30 for work. I could not take it anymore.
It has been like this my entire life; if they don't like something they will gang up on me until I'm forced to make the decision they want me to make.
My last post was filled with comments of people urging me to move out, which I completely understand, but I simply can not do for numerous reasons, the biggest one being it's very expensive to live on your own in my country. If it was possible, I would have done it the moment I turned 18.
I went on a walk with "Chris" (who is aware of how toxic my family has been) and broke up with him. We are both really sad about it, but he did understand. I just can not be in a relationship while I live at home. There is no solution.
I'm just so tired and so sad. I wish I could have given you guys a happy update.
If you've come this far: thank you for reading.
(I don't know how to make this an ACTUAL update, so if anyone could tell me, that would be nice)
Edit: spelling
*The original author (not me) posted the following update on her second post:*
Edit 2: My parents and sister do know what he looks like, because he works in a local grocery store and we bumped into him before him and I were seeing each other (ugh). Sadly, reintroducing him by a different name will not work.
I wanted to let you know that I'm reading all of your comments and I will definitely be Grey Rocking as many of you informed me about. Thank you for the helpful links on how to deal with this situation. I want to try and move out (with a roommate?) when I get my driver's license (I just started so this should be another 2 months minimum), because then I feel I'll be independent enough (my parents threatened not to drive me to work because they're "dead to me" as long as I date this guy).
As for my Chris, we've decided to stay in contact and he actually wants me to reach out to domestic abuse facilities. It feels scary because I don't know what they would do but it might be something I'll follow up on
Lastly, thank you for the Hugs awards, and all of you in my comments are getting a virtual hug back from me. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqb24q/my_sister_is_angry_because_were_dating_two/ | pqb24q | 5,495 | 1,023 | [
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2021-09-18T01:55:58 | My ex sent my husband a video of me blowing him and now my husband is giving me the silent treatment | Relationship_Advice | Originally posted on r/relationship_advice by user u/ThrowRA_sawvideo
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pq1pef/my_ex_sent_my_husband_a_video_of_me_blowing_him/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
We’re newlyweds (22F and 26M) so I was dropped right from our honeymoon phase to this. I’m also one month pregnant.
I had one boyfriend before I met my husband and we broke up when he cheated. Our breakup was pretty amicable for what it was because the cheating made me realize he never really treated me right, and I was just resigned by the end of it.
We ran into each other in public for the first time in years and he flirted with me. I rejected him, and I think that’s why after so many years he did this. It was barely a video, like he just pulled his phone out without me knowing. That was one of the most shocking parts because I didn’t even know any videos of me existed.
My husband wasn’t worried I was cheating on him because the video was clearly old (hair colour was different) but he just got cold with me after. I know it’s really shocking for him and I was so embarrassed I didn’t even want to be around him, so I was okay when he told me he needed to be alone and take a walk. But he came back FIVE hours later and went to sleep on the couch.
Now, the next day, I’ve been researching legal recourse all on my own. I tried to kiss my husband this morning and he turned so I kissed his cheek (instead of his lips). After that and a silent breakfast, I told him we have to talk about this and he just said he has to go to work. He left for work an hour earlier than he normally does.
Advice on how to talk to him when he gets back? We never had these kind of fights before we were married and I’m just terrified this is going to last forever.
Update: I told my husband I’m going to be calling the police and he just said “don’t text me about this.” I understand his shock but I just wish I had his support. Anyway I will going to the police, thank you.
[Updated post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pqaagy/update_my_ex_sent_my_husband_a_video_of_me/)
UPDATE
He came home from work and he said he needed time to think and process this but he realized he just doesn't see me as the mother of his child anymore even though I'm pregnant and he's going to live with his parents for a while. My ex fucking won, the charges don't even matter. All for sex I had before I had even met my husband in a video I didn't even know existed recorded without my fucking consent.
EDIT: I'm going to stop reading these now but to everyone: no, I did not tell my husband I was a virgin, I've given head to my husband way more times than my ex and it's a regular part of our sex life, I also give much better head to my husband than I ever did to my ex, I did not make a "sex tape," I didn't even know I was being recorded, and fuck you to the person who asked for the video so you could "judge for yourself." And for the last time: I did not consent to being recorded and did not know I was being recorded. | lesbianlinguist | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqdk56/my_ex_sent_my_husband_a_video_of_me_blowing_him/ | pqdk56 | 3,085 | 1,318 | [
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2021-09-18T02:52:16 | OOP asks for advice on how to handle her husband spending a lot of time with their female neighbor. Update from OOP and Husband. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. Original in* r/relationship_advice
Mood of updates: >!a sad mess, nothing major!<
&#x200B;
[I (24F) feel uncomfortable with the relationship my husband (32M) has with our new neighbor (31F)](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/poodo0/i_24f_feel_uncomfortable_with_the_relationship_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I’m 24F. I am married to “Brad”, 32M. We’ve been married for a year and have two beautiful three year old boys together.
We moved into our house two years ago, in Brads hometown. About two months ago, a new family moved in, a couple and their young son. They were walking around the block and we were outside. Brad immediately began waving at the wife and saying hi, she ran up and it turned out that the two of them were best friends back in middle school.
“Christina” (31F) is married (36M) and has a son who is also three like my twins. Her husband works at a nearby base and I’m in the medical field. Christina is a stay at home mom and Bras works from home, but the nature of his work is usually that he has a certain amount of projects to get done every day, and then he’s done. He’s generally up at 5 every morning so he usually begins his projects then, and by the time the twins wake up he usually finishes all of his work, though he sometimes works more after they go to sleep.
Christina and Brad have begun hanging out a lot during the day, since the boys get along so well. They do a lot of fun things together, hiking, going to the park, etc, but also every day things like going to the grocery store together. They say it’s easier, because the boys keep each other entertained. I’ve voiced my worry that Brad is just making Christina watch the kids the whole time but both they and the kids have confirmed it’s not Brad dumping all of the responsibility on her.
Last weekend, Christina’s husband and I were both available so we all went for a hike in a spot that the boys really liked that they went to a few weeks ago because at the end was a small waterfall. As we were hiking, it was apparent how close Christina and Brad had gotten. He had told me how close they had been in middle school, that they had drifted apart in high school because they hung out with different friend groups. Brad has told me that they get along great, that he’s happy they’ve rekindled their friendship, but I hadn’t realized how close they were. They have inside jokes, they go to the grocery store together with the boys, Brad has even begun cooking dinner with her and has it waiting when I get home.
Christina seems very in love with her husband, they invited us over for a barbecue the other night and they are both very in love, they’re taking about when they’re going to have another baby, etc. I’m just kind of uncomfortable that my husband is this close to another woman…I don’t know if I would be like this if my husband was this close to a man, but my husband doesn’t have any male friends he’s this close to. It doesn’t help that Christina is absolutely beautiful, she’s smart and talented and way funnier than I am.
I don’t know if the jealousy I’m feeling is misplaced or not. I don’t know if I should talk to him about this or not.
**I feel like I should add in that I definitely don’t think he’s cheating, they invite me and Christina’s husband to come with them all the time if we’re not working, she’s really open and kind to me so I don’t think there’s anything fishy going on other than the friendship**
\------------------------------
[Relevant comment by OOP, answering about their age gap:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/poodo0/i_24f_feel_uncomfortable_with_the_relationship_my/hcxuojk?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Lol well it’s kind of a funny story…he actually thought I was a lot older than I was when we met. I was 19, he was 27, but I actually was using a fake ID because the event we met at was 21+. Apparently one of his friends asked one of my friends how old we were (I wasn’t aware of this) and she said 24 then 🙊
So we hit it off and went out on a few dates before he found out my actual age and by that time I had gotten pregnant (even though we were using condoms and everything) and it was definitely a surprise for him but he wanted to be involved in the baby’s life so we started officially dating, unfortunately we had a miscarriage In the second trimester but not long after that I got pregnant with the twins and he proposed, we got married about a year after the twins were born 🥳
Edit: I don’t know why this is getting downvoted????
\------------------------------
[Update by OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppyi3z/update_i_24f_feel_uncomfortable_with_the/)
I’m going to start with what happened when I talked to my husband before I mention some other things.
I sat down with my husband and I told him that I felt very uncomfortable about his close relationship with Christina. He seemed totally taken aback. I told him that it was just too much, all of the time they spent together, hiking, cooking together, grocery shopping. And he was like…but aren’t you happy I’m doing those things? I thought you wanted me to cook and do the shopping and do fun stuff with the boys during the day. And I was like…I do, but it doesn’t always have to be with Christina. So he said that having Christina around helps becaus the boys entertain each other and having an extra set of hands and someone to keep him company helps. I told him I understood that but I really didn’t think it was appropriate for him to be spending this much time and getting this close to another woman.
So then he was like…well do you not trust me, do you think I’m going to cheat on you? And I said no I just thought it was odd and I couldn’t help the way I felt and I just worry that if we had a fight or something and he was upset he would turn to her just put both of them in a bad or tempting situation.
So he really latched on that and was like so you do think I’m going to cheat on you and I told him no but I think he spends too much time with her and I would just appreciate it if he didn’t spend so much time with her.
They were supposed to come over last night and he was like so you want me to cancel? And I said no because the boys were excited. So Christina and her husband came over and my husband was super off the entire night and barely spoke to her, I pulled him aside a few times and asked him to stop acting so weird and he like snapped at me that he didn’t know what I wanted him to do. Christina definitely noticed something was off but she didn’t say anything or draw attention to it.
After they left I asked my husband why he acted so odd the entire night and he got kind of upset again, he told me I didn’t understand, he was stressed from work and taking care of the boys. I told him I totally understood and I know he’s doing a lot I just didn’t think he had to spend that much time with her.
So he was basically just like ok fine I won’t hang out with her then…and I was like no that’s not what I want but he was like you’re clearly uncomfortable with this and you wouldn’t have brought it up if you didn’t want me to stop so I’ll just stop. So I told him don’t make it weird, but the boys will just have play dates where she’ll drop them off when I’m home or I’ll drop them off there so they can still hang out, and he’s just going to tell Christina he’s busy with work. So ultimately I’m glad he saw where I was coming from in the end even though I don’t think he entirely understands why I feel the way I do.
As for the stuff about our ages, he was shocked when he learned my age but we worked through it just like we worked through this and our relationship was stronger for it. Nobody was “lied to” or “baby trapped”, it was just the way our relationship progressed.
**EDIT TO WHOEVER SENT THIS POST TO MY HUSBAND**:: I hope you have a really great time butting your nose in other people’s marriages, youre a TERRIBLE person!
\------------------------------
[Update by husband](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pqc6q2/in_regards_to_a_post_my_wife_made_about_her/)
&#x200B;
My wife posted on here a few days ago and then again today. . She said she wanted legitimate advice but didn’t give all the information you guys would need to give real advice. So if she really did want advice and not just a whole bunch of people to say “youre right and he sucks!” I’m going to fill in the gaps she left out so she can get the real advice she needed so badly. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
The reason I work from home is cause one of my sons has special medical needs. He can’t be in a daycare setting because of his immune system. He used to get all kinds of services that either dropped or went “virtual” (not as effective with a toddler) and Tris used to be an occupational therapist. She’s been kind enough to work with our son and the improvement in him is something I would think she would mention.
Another thing she didn’t say is that she’s talked to me about her before. Asked me over and over and over, including in front of her the first time we met her, “Have you two ever dated?” And we both answered no, and I’ve answered no every time since then (“Are you sure you’ve never dated? You didn’t even go on one date?) and I’ve also always answered no to “but are you physically attracted to her? Not even a little?” The most I’ve ever said is after one of these grilling sessions after she asked “are you sure you haven’t dated” and “are you attracted to her” she asked “but you have to admit she’s pretty, right?” And I said sure, she’s pretty, but I’m not physically attracted to her, I don’t think she’s anywhere near as attractive as you.” It felt like a trick every time she asks me.
a few months ago my wife started a fight with me about how she was sick of going to the grocery store and cooking dinner after work because she just wanted to come home and shower. So even though she never straight out said “Do the shopping and cooking” it was implied. And again, whatever. But my one son can’t come into the grocery store with me. So I used to only be able to go when my mother could watch them. But when I go with “Christina”, she takes the kids to the pet store her husbands mother owns next door and they help feed the cats. And yeah, she helps me cook sometimes. Because I suck at cooking. But even though my wife has all of these issues about the things I do with tris she isn’t giving any suggestions how she can help out or make things any easier for me or the twins.
I’m almost done here I just want to make sure everyone is getting a full picture since it’s so important for her to get everything out there. Tris and I didn’t start really hanging out until like a month ago. My wife was apparently visiting her parents when she got exposed to COVID. she told me she had to isolate in a hotel room, couldn’t see me or the twins. My mom had a medical emergency and I had to go help her. Tris and her husband watched the twins for me, just for me to find out my wife hadn’t actually been exposed, she had been partying with her friends in Miami.
And about the timeline of our relationship, she was 19 when we met and I thought she was 24. That’s what her ID said, she never told me it was a fake ID. When I found out her age I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore. Two weeks later she tells me she’s pregnant and she wasnt going to go through pregnancy and birth and raising a kid without having a partner, so she gave me an ultimatum of get in a relationship or she was going to have an abortion. Then we had the miscarriage and that was emotionally really hard. We started fighting a lot and we broke up. Then we found out she was pregnant with the twins so we got back together and decided to work it out.
A few months after the twins were born she called me up frantically crying. Saying her doctor had just told her she had cervical cancer. She was worried about the cost of treatment, she said her insurance sucked and it was going to ruin her financially.
She’s the mother of my kids, I told her the only thing she should have worry about during a time like that is getting better. We got married so she could be on my insurance. Once we were married she said that the doctors had been mistaken and she didn’t have cervical cancer, just pre-cancerous cells.
I don’t get why she’d twist the story like this for fake online sympathy. I’m not here for drama or anything I just wanted to get all of the facts out there so my wife can get real help, which she swore on our sons lives was all she was here for. I’m exhausted, I don’t know what she wants, I still try to make it clear that she’s the most important woman in my life, I take her out on dates as often as we can and apparently I’m still going to cheat.
I’ve told my wife I have no interest in tris besides friendship. Even if I was attracted to her in that way- I’m not- I’m close friends with her husband and her son is best friends with my sons. I wouldn’t blow up everyone’s life like that. And I’m not a cheater, it doesn’t matter if I’m mad at her or not or if we’re fighting I’m still not a cheater.
So now all the details are out there, you guys can give my wife all of the advice she needs so badly about what a shitty husband I am for having a female friend. Sorry for the tone in all of this I’m pretty pissed off. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqedwy/oop_asks_for_advice_on_how_to_handle_her_husband/ | pqedwy | 13,503 | 1,431 | [
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2021-09-18T15:02:41 | I just found emails of my fiancé making fun of me to his ex girlfriend | Relationships | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52hka7/i_28f_literally_just_found_email_after_email_from/) *is by* u/\[deleted\]
My fiancé, "Dale", and I have been together for 5 years. We are as solid as I guess anyone thinks they are before something like this blindsides them. I am in total and complete shock, I'm just sitting here shaking I can't even cry yet.
Dale is at work right now, I haven't texted him or called him or anything at this point. When we got together he had just broken up with his college sweetheart. She was his first love. I was afraid I was rebound, he said that wasn't true I believed him, rest is history. Sorry is this is rushed and all over the place, nothing makes sense in my head right now.
I used his laptop about 2 hours ago to open his contacts list he has saved on there so I could get addresses for our wedding invites. Been telling him to get those to me for over a week so I decided to do it. He keeps his contacts info on his email. When I opened his email, I saw an email on the very top of his inbox with the the subject line "Re: Jen (not real name), how can I when..."
The subject line got cut off after that so I couldn't see more without clicking. "Jen" is the name of his ex from college. I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to decide if I should open it or not. I decided he should have nothing to hide so I did it.
Rest of the subject line was "Re: Jen, how can I when you still exist?"
The email was her replying to a string of emails between the two of them that has gone on for over a week. Long story short, Dale is still in love with Jen. He thinks about her constantly, he'll never find another woman like her.
Even worse is that he makes fun of me and she laughs about it. One email she asks him why I don't make him happy and isn't he satisfied with me? I can't remember word for word, and I don't feel like reading it again, but he said something like "she tries. She's just not good though, way too vanilla. I love her but the only way I can get off is when I think about f\*\*king you and how wet you'd get. I think every inch of my bed was soaked from your pussy I have the biggest hard on just thinking about it." And then she answered with a bunch of "lol"s and said she felt sorry for the "poor girl". Another thing he said was that he made fun of me for having a large scar across my chest, onto my left breast, which has disfigured the nipple a bit. He said it looked like something out of Edward Scissorhands.
That is almost too much to bear, he might as well have punched me in the gut. I was in an awful car accident when I was a teenager. I had a big piece of dashboard shatter and basically fly into my chest. I almost died. I've never been ashamed of the scar. It's like a constant reminder that I survived something a lot of people don't and I should be grateful to be alive. The slight disfigurement of the nipple doesn't bother me either, I've always had the attitude of "if someone doesn't want me because of a nipple, f\*\*k them."
But to hear him make fun of something he knows is a result of something so major in my life (my friend was thrown from the backseat and lost her life) is just... I have no words.
The emails go on. Some are explicit, one she describe how she just masturbated while thinking about how he used to go down on her for hours. I'm assuming that these emails are just a small portion of their contact. The first email in the thread was Dale talking about how he doesn't think he can marry me and that he thinks about leaving me almost constantly. He said if she lived in this state he'd already have left me. It didn't sound like the first time they'd reconnected so I'm guessing if I snooped I'd find texts too. I don't need to snoop further. I've seen all I need to.
Obviously I'm not going to stay. Despite what he said about me, I'm pretty great and I know this. He said he misses "backdoor". Apparently I'm too vanilla to give it to him. Thing is, I've tried to initiate that as I enjoy it and he told me he wasn't into that. So he lied. Just to cast me in bad light.
I'm so f\*\*king mad I just want to throw his shit into a pile and light it on fire. But I won't. Because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me.
I'm not sure why I posted here. It's too fresh to talk to my friends and family. Should I just pack my stuff and leave with no explanation? Just ghost? I've got too much dignity to scream and cry in front of him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want comfort or advice or what, I just needed someone to know what happened so I don't feel so alone right now.
**tl;dr** fiancé made fun of me and sent explicit emails to his ex. Just found them. Heartbroken, angry, hurt, every emotion ever going on. Don't know if I should just ghost him and never see him again or confront him? I need nice words from Internet strangers or something right now.
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[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52r6o3/update_i_28f_literally_just_found_email_after/)
Hey everyone. First off, thank you for caring so much about my situation. You all have great advice, encouragement, and you helped me hold on to the strength I need to make it through this. I still have a lot to get through and I'm hurting so much right now. It comes in waves; sometimes I feel so empowered and strong, then 10 minutes later I'm crying in a ball and feel like I can't move or do anything.
Last night I texted Dale and told him that my best friend, "Jake", had gotten into a fight with his boyfriend and I was going to go stay with him so he could vent and have somebody with him.
I told Jake what happened and showed him the emails (I took pictures of them on my phone in case I needed them for whatever reason). Jake and his boyfriend "Mike" (who he had obviously not gotten into a fight with and was there) were infuriated and we all just sort of cried together for a while.
They stayed up with me almost all night helping me figure out my next moves. We all agreed that taking the high road was the best route. We made a list of all the things that were necessary to get out of the apartment. Mike is a property manager for a different apartment complex so this morning he called my property manager and gave her a very condensed, detail-free version of what was happening. I have always thought it important to get to know your property manager in case you ever have a situation where they can help you out, so she always really liked me. Dale and I have been paying rent on a month to month basis for about 3 months because we were starting to look for houses to purchase after we settled down after the wedding. My property manager told Mike that working out getting my name off of the rental agreement wouldn't be a problem and to not worry about the 30 day notice that she typically requires for a tenant moving out.
As far as finances go, I make about 70% of our combined income and Dale only covers about 30%. When Jake, Mike, and I were discussing the logistics of me moving out, Mike brought up the point that Dale does not make enough to cover the required 3x rent in income each month. Meaning he will most likely be given notice to move out if he cannot find a roommate fast. We lived in a one bedroom so I doubt he'll be able to find someone quickly who is willing to sleep on a couch versus having their own bedroom. Especially since I purchased the couch, so... there isn't even one there anymore. The thought of this brings me great pleasure, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Jake and I each called out of work today and we rented one of those mover pick up trucks. We were pretty organized after making our list and it only took us a couple of trips to get my stuff out and into Jake and Mike's garage for the time being.
Dale texted me a couple of times asking how Jake is and if I'm coming home after work tonight. I told him I'm already home (not exactly a lie, I was there at the time) and then I said Jake was going to be okay and that I just couldn't believe how awful people can be to the people they love. Dale agreed and said that he was glad he had such a "good girl" like me. It was tempting to say something about how yeah, I'm just so vanilla that way. I didn't, I just told him to always remember that, how great I am to him. He said of course he would. That felt pretty satisfying and I hope he does remember that everyday for the rest of his life.
Whoever it was that posted about the vanilla ice cream idea, Jake, Mike, and I laughed about that hysterically last night. It was the first thing that made me laugh like that and may be the only thing for a while, so thank you for that.
I didn't end up ruining any of Dale's stuff, I didn't print out the emails and send them to his family/friends, I didn't do anything destructive or spiteful. However, after all my stuff was out, Jake and I made a trip to the grocery store. I took that poster's advice and I bought one of those big plastic tubs of vanilla ice cream. I left it on the counter with a note and my engagement ring. I wrote "I know vanilla isn't your favorite flavor, but this is the only vanilla you'll be eating from now on. XOXO". I mean... I am human. I had to leave him with a little bit of a bang.
So here I am. Staying with Mike and Jake for a while. Finding an apartment will be no issue for me, I am comfortable financially on my own with a stable job. I have to deal with the deposits I put down for the venues for both the wedding and the reception. I can't right now, I'm too much of a mess emotionally. I will by the week's end though as I know I can't put it off any longer if there's any hope at all of getting refunded. I had already booked our honeymoon but I did pay the extra for insurance if the trip needed to be cancelled. I honestly don't really know what exactly the insurance covers, I'll have to look into it. Whether or not I can get a refund for Dale's ticket, I will be going on my first trip out of the country on my own and I am happy about this. It's one bright thing to look forward to through this whole mess.
I will sell my wedding dress- which was a low cut dress by the way and showed my scar off as much as a wedding dress can. I guess Dale would have found that gross. Or maybe I'll burn it. Burning it sounds kind of fun because I've been holding back so much on not being destructive in a time where I would have found great (albeit temporary) pleasure in burning everything Dale has ever owned. Burning my dress is something I can do privately that will still be satisfying. I can scream and cry and throw rocks at it, pour lighter fluid all over it, watch it burn, and then cook a s'more over it. Because I love s'mores so why not?
I am walking away from Dale with my head held high. The best revenge is to walk away as dignified as possible and to not sink to his level. I was close with his family but I'm not going to worry about what he tells them. I am positive it won't be the truth- there is no way he's got the balls and decency to tell them what he did. But *I* know what he did, *he* knows what he did, and all the people who truly love me and who I am close with will know what he did. That's all that really matters. Though it's nice to have those emails just in case Dale tries to take things too far or something. I'm going to be okay. I'm having one of my empowered moments. Though I just spent the last hour in the bathtub sobbing. Like I said, waves. Jake told me that Dale isn't worthy of my "quirky" nipple and I agree.
When I got in my accident, I was lucky that the shrapnel didn't pierce my heart. I did however suffer from a pretty significant heart contusion (basically a bruised heart) among other injuries. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So yeah, this situation makes my heart hurt, but my heart has been through much worse and kept on ticking along.
Sorry if I rambled a lot, posting this to you all is like a form of therapy and the more thoughts that pop up in my mind, I just write them down for you all to read. I haven't told my family and other friends yet, I'll be tackling that soon. I'm glad the invites hadn't already been sent, at least I don't have to send out a cancellation notice. I deleted Dale off all social media and blocked his email address. I didn't block him off my phone yet because, honestly, I'm curious to his reaction. I can promise you all that I will not respond AT ALL. Not to a single text or call. But I can't help but be interested to see how he reacts. I will block him tomorrow though. Mike told me that the second his messages turn ugly or hateful because I'm not responding, block him. He doesn't want Dale to hurt me anymore than he already has. He's right and I really do plan to block him regardless by tomorrow after seeing his initial reaction.
I guess that's all I have to update. Thank you all for caring about me. I will continue moving forward and I will never stop wearing clothes that show my scar. I've never hidden it before and I'm not going to let some asshole make me feel like I should. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your love. You gave amazing comments and messages. I will never forget the nice things you all have said to me. Seriously, thank you!
PS: I think I will dress up as Edward Scissorhands for Halloween.
**tl;dr** got my stuff out of the apartment, left fiancé with basically no explanation. Besides a tub of vanilla ice cream and a little note. I'm feeling okay at this moment but it's been up and down all day and will continue to for a long time.
**Edit:** So last night got pretty crazy. It started with Dale playing dumb and asking what was going on and what did he do? Like I promised all of you, I didn't respond. The dick knew exactly what he'd done. He just kept texting and kept texting. One text that I found particularly infuriating was "I can't think of anything I have done to deserve this. Whatever you think I've done isn't true I'm sure you just misunderstood and I can explain. I mean damn you didn't have to be so dramatic and just leave me like this".
I love how he was already saying that I just misunderstood what I "think" he's done and that he can explain. He's such a shit person that he wouldn't even just come out and admit to the emails and say he's sorry. And then to call me dramatic.
The texts progressed into angry ones. Here is a string of texts from him, word for word (except that I corrected some grammar because his grammar is ridiculous). Each text was probably sent about 2 minutes apart, sometimes less. Just so you understand the level of crazy here. I will refer to myself as "Elle" in these because he uses my name a lot and my real name starts with an "L" so seems appropriate. I blocked him after this, by the way.
"Baby you know how much I love you, I'm at a loss right now. I don't understand, why won't you answer me??"
"I just tried calling. ELLE PLEASE PICK UP!"
"We are getting married, I thought you cared about me. I guess I was wrong."
"I guess you are cold hearted."
"Elle??????"
"Baby??"
"Are you ok? At least answer me so I know you are ok and not hurt or something."
"Seriously?????"
"ELLE!!!!"
"Seriously you're a bitch."
"I didn't mean that, I'm just getting really worried and upset."
He took about a 20 minute break between that one and this monstrosity:
"You know what, I did mean that. You're a f**king bitch for doing this. If you were unhappy you should have told me. I can't believe you would do this to me, I love you. You are just like your father but even worse because at least your mom is a c--t and so are you so who can blame him. Don't ever contact me again or come crawling back and good luck finding a guy who will love a f**king circus freak bitch. Lol lol lol, dumbass".
So that's when I blocked him. I know nothing he said was true but still... this wasn't just an email to his ex, this was something he sent to me *directly*. I cried a lot after that one, it hit me pretty hard. This is someone I was planning a future with just a couple of days ago. He was so sweet, as far as I knew obviously. He used to kiss my hand almost every morning. It's just such a shock it's hard to wrap my mind around it.
Last night was a really tough night to get through for me.
I keep reading back what I wrote in this update last night and it helps to keep me feeling strong. I keep reading all of your lovely comments and messages from the original post and it helps to keep me feeling loved and strong. Jake and Mike are wonderful and I'm lucky to have them to hold my hand and help me through this.
Though his texts hurt me, they also reaffirmed that he's a spineless weasel and that I 10000% did the right thing by leaving. He's making it really easy to get over him.
Sorry this got so long, I wanted to really include you all in what's happening. Thanks for checking in on me and caring about what happens to me, love to you all!
**Little Update (added in the update post)**
Wow! You are all amazing, wonderful people. So much love and support, I'm crying because of all your lovely, sweet messages. It's honestly so encouraging!
I had the intention of responding to some comments but the post is now locked, so I just wanted to make sure to update this to say thank you! I hope you all see this.
I had a lot of people pm me asking if there were any signs that Dale was an asshole so they know what kind of red flags to look out for. Honestly... no. I wish I could say yes to that so I could potentially prevent others from going through what I did or something similar. He was very attentive and loving, he never once made fun of my appearance (to my face), he seemed to appreciate my ambition and independence. I never felt controlled or criticized for being a financially stable, educated woman.
I had a therapist after I lost my friend in the accident. My father had also walked out earlier that year so we were discussing this and how I hadn't seen it coming. My therapist told me that people can make you see whatever they want you to see but that they can't keep up the facade forever. Things almost always come to a head eventually. The only thing you can do is be secure enough with yourself to understand that the faults of others has nothing to do with you. Just make sure you surround yourself with enough good people that you can afford to lose one or two along the way.
I suppose that would be my advice on the matter. Love people openly and let yourself be loved but always keep hold of yourself and make sure you have yourself covered should someone let you down along the way.
As far as the dress goes, I believe I will take the advice of many of you and donate it to flood victims in Louisiana. It is a beautiful gown. I think what I will burn instead is my reception dress. I've got to burn something. ;)
Thanks Reddit, I sincerely love all of you and wish you the best in all of your life endeavors! I might pop back up in a few weeks to update you all on how I'm doing.
<3 Elle
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[***UPDATE #2***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6hxkfv/update_i_28f_literally_just_found_email_after/)
Hey, Reddit!
I don't know if anyone will remember me and my post from last September (it was originally posted in [r/relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/) but they only allow one update so I'm posting here), but I found out that my fiancé at the time, Dale, was emailing his ex and was still in love with her. He also made fun of me from everything from sex to my disfiguring scar. My update got removed but Tickld did an article about my story (crazy!) and you can still read the update through the link they provide at the end of the article. I'll provide the link to that article in the comments!
Now, the reason I'm posting is to thank all of you. I got an overwhelming flood of love and support from you, Reddit. You all gave me strength and confidence that I was doing the right thing. Many of your comments also made me laugh during a time where laughs were few and far between.
I'll also give you a little update. I am doing great! I haven't spoken to Dale since our split, though he did show up at Jake and Mike's place twice and they had to basically shoo him away and he would send flowers and cards to Jake and Mike's place for me for close to 3 months before giving up. I have no idea what is happening in his life these days, which is a wonderful thing! I ended up going on my honeymoon alone and it was fabulous! I went to Spain and had such incredible experiences. And the food! You all, it was wonderful!
About 5 months ago I bought a home. My very first home! Just a small little starter home but it's mine and I love it. I've also done a far share of traveling. Mostly by myself because there is something just empowering and magical about traveling by yourself. Quiet moments alone just taking in amazing sights and experiences. Though I've also traveled with Jake to Canada, which was a very fun trip, and had a Vegas trip with 5 other friends.
As far as my romantic life... I'm having fun, Reddit :) I am staying single and I would like to stay single for a while. Unless I meet someone who just sweeps me off my feet. I have met some men during my travels and around the city that seem to have no problem with my "circus freak" scar though.
So that's about it, Reddit! I am forever grateful to how much you all rallied around me and lifted me up during a very low time. It meant and still means so much! You are all wonderful, kind people. Even when I logged on to this account today for the first time in months I still had people messaging me words of encouragement as little as 2 weeks ago. That is, not to sound corny, sort of magical. That complete strangers show such compassion. Thanks for being rad, Reddit!
<3 "Elle"
TL;DR: This is an update to my posts from last September. I got an amazing response from you all and just wanted to check in and tell you that I am doing phenomenally well and that I am incredibly thankful to you all and your support! I've been traveling, hiking, eating, making new friends, having fun with the opposite sex, and just living my life fully.
Edit: Apparently the link in the article doesn't work but the article itself includes most of what I wrote in my update :) | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqo1bk/i_just_found_emails_of_my_fiancé_making_fun_of_me/ | pqo1bk | 22,416 | 4,763 | [
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2021-09-18T15:43:15 | I (18F) think I had something out into my drink but I’m not sure and I don’t want to make any baseless accusations | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not the OOP.*
&#x200B;
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pozyqa/i_18f_think_i_had_something_out_into_my_drink_but/) by [u/ThrowRAdarcy](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAdarcy/)
So I (18F) was babysitting a few nights ago for my dads friend and his wife, they have a 3 year old daughter.
They came home at about 1AM. I was tired, but not *that* tired. The wife (30F) said thank you to me went upstairs to go check on the daughter and take a shower. So it was me and the husband (37M), which was fine because like I said he’s my dads friend and I’ve known him forever.
He offered me a drink and started asking me about school, life, etc. after a few minutes I started to feel really weird, like I couldn’t form a straight thought or focus on what I was saying. I felt kind of dizzy and my brain felt foggy. I remember him coming over to me and saying something like “wow you must be really tired” and leading me over to the couch.
That’s all I remember until the next day when I woke up in their guest bedroom. I had a really bad headache and felt really confused. When I went downstairs the wife was like “Oh, Thomas said you were falling asleep on the couch last night, he didn’t want you walking home so tired so he texted your dad and said you could just crash here.”
I said okay and thanked them for letting me stay over but I also felt really confused because I felt fine? I wasn’t that tired, I regularly stay up well past 1 or 2 on the weekends with no problem. When I went home and talked to my mom about it she said I was probably just tired from playing with their daughter all day or getting sick. But when I talked to one of my friends about it she was like…it sounds like you were had something put in your drink.
I’m honestly terrified to make this accusation because it’s such a dangerous thing to accuse someone of, and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life. But still, the entire situation doesn’t make any sense to me, even if I was that tired I’ve never been a heavy sleeper so I don’t understand how I got upstairs without waking up.
Has something like this ever happened to someone? Can you please tell me if this sound like that?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pqlqk0/update_i_18f_think_i_had_something_out_into_my/)
Right after I posted my first post I told my parents what I thought and they took me to the hospital. They did a blood and urine test and it came back that I had ketamine in my system. I talked to the cops who took my statement and what I thought happened, they started an investigation. I got really upset and they ended up giving me something to help me sleep and I stayed in the hospital overnight.My parents are really upset especially my dad.
The doctor said I feel “dissociated” which is okay with me it’s all really weird and bizarre. thanks for convincing me to go to the er | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqor5s/i_18f_think_i_had_something_out_into_my_drink_but/ | pqor5s | 2,930 | 1,128 | [
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2021-09-18T23:25:50 | My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life. | LegalAdvice | Originally posted by u/difficultpath on r/legaladvice
I had to use rareddit to piece this together. Started nearly 3 years ago.
# My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9bfo4r/my\_brother\_hacked\_into\_everything\_and\_is\_trying/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9bfo4r/my_brother_hacked_into_everything_and_is_trying/)
I'm in my second year of undergrad at a state university in California and I'm having an issue with my brother, who in his late twenties and a computer engineer (this is relevant to my issue). As a sidenote I know very little about computers other than basic googling skills.
My brother is a very type-A person. Very perfectionist and hardworking, often to the detriment of himself and others. He is a nice and positive person and is successful in the traditional sense, but he is very controlling and has a bit of an overblown ego. I'm a much more relaxed person and the two of us share very little in the way of interests or guiding philosophies. I'm a visual arts major who likes to draw and he's the type of person who watched Fight Club and thought that Tyler Durden was onto something. We get along but have hostilities.
My brother resents the fact that I am not like him and that I don't look up to him as a role-model. He is very fond of mocking my interests/hobbies/career plans and he often talks literally about a "plan" for me in which I change my major to engineering and start taking his advice. When he brings this up now over the phone I stop talking to him for whatever amount of days/weeks until he apologizes and we do it all over again.
Two weeks ago, my brother made a joke referencing a piece of digital art I drew on my laptop. I didn't think anything of it until I realized after the call ended that I never posted that piece of art anywhere, not even onto any cloud service-- it had only been available on my physical laptop.
I was nervous and downloaded Malwarebytes but it didn't find anything. Thinking back I also recalled my brother making a joke about something I said to a friend privately on my Discord, which also was not publicly available. Checking Gmail and a few other websites I'm on that showed options I discovered someone had been logging into my accounts from an unfamiliar computer and had then been doing so for about a week.
I called my brother about this and he laughed and told me that he had remote access to my computer and that he'd be "checking" up on everything I was doing from this point on. I told him that that was ridiculous and he basically laughed and said that people today have no reasonable expectation of privacy anyway.
Without going into detail I've basically discovered that my brother literally has access to everything in my life. My bank account, school account, my art/chat accounts, all the files on my computer. He has even referenced information that leads me to think there is a very good chance of him having a camera/microphone in my room (he has been in my apartment in the last month and the only reason I think he might not is because I haven't been able to find it.)
There is nothing on my computer or Cloud files or anything I'm even remotely embarrassed about. But the idea that my brother has all my information is terrible and I want him to stop. I don't feel comfortable in my apartment or using my computer/personal accounts anymore. I'm writing this from my school's library.
Is there a way to clearly show him that this is wrong with an amount of force and guarantee my privacy in the future WITHOUT getting him in serious trouble? My brother is an idiot and I'm pissed at him for this (especially in the way where he acts like it's a joke or that he's doing it to "mentor" me, which he keeps saying, like he has called me knowing my class schedule which I never told him and reminded me to go to classes/etc) but I don't want his life should be ruined over this even if he is an asshole. He has also "joked" about dropping my classes which I got really pissed at and he assured me it was a joke but I still feel uncomfortable that he'd even hint at that.
Thanks.
# Update 1 My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9bveru/update\_my\_brother\_hacked\_into\_everything\_and\_is/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9bveru/update_my_brother_hacked_into_everything_and_is/)
Without going into a lot of detail, based on some of the stuff I read on here and a conversation with a friend, I realized that the way I viewed the relationship with my brother was incredibly messed up and I decided to act more seriously about this. I was thinking about how to proceed last night while cleaning, and then I actually found a camera. I know I said I thought there was one before but I don't think I really consciously did. It was in my bathroom.
I have gone to the police station and for now have an injunction against my brother. I also reported the computer hacking along with texts and a phone message he sent where he both alludes to and directly confirms it, so.
I don't know what'll happen but I feel a lot better having taken this right. I appreciate the comments people sent it helped a lot.
Thanks.
# Update 2 My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9e6in5/update\_update\_my\_brother\_hacked\_into\_everything/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9e6in5/update_update_my_brother_hacked_into_everything/)
Without exaggeration, this was probably the of the worst of my life.
After getting served the injunction/temporary restraining order thing, my brother 1. told my parents and 2. chose to immediately violate it. He left me several messages that essentially was low key threatening to ruin my life and I was scared so I reported it. He was taken to jail and to my current understanding is going to get a type of misdemeanor charge for it if he already hasn't. I don't know if he's in jail right now.
I knew my parents were going to take his side but they have effectively disowned me for this. My parents are very religious conservative catholics (i'm not religious anymore but they don't know that) and they were very upset by me reporting it. That's an understatement. I have enough scholarships where I will be able to continue paying for my living expenses/school with my part time job but they way they treated me was horrible. They're very upset because this'll probably screw up his college according to the talks we've had. They said I'm disgusting/not welcome home etc. My dad sent me a video of him and my mom burning most of the belongings i left at his house (not much important to me but still). they don't believe me about the camera and my dad said he specifically didnt care even if it was there. just screaming the entire time, i stopped answering my phone and checking my email because it terrifies me. I bought a new cheap computer because even though someone helped me wipe it clean, I'm honestly too scared of using the old one at this point.
I haven't left my room in a week. the worst of it is over i think but i feel like i felt in a pit. I can't stop crying
# Update 3 My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9ncv9e/update\_update\_3\_my\_brother\_hacked\_into\_everything/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9ncv9e/update_update_3_my_brother_hacked_into_everything/)
I'm having some new problems since my last update and I'm unsure how to handle them. i'd like to say things have been good but they haven't. I had to stop school this semester because I've become extremely depressed and couldn't handle the workload of both school/work and some personal things I'm focused on related to my sexual orientation. Planning on going back next semester. Really can't focus on anything past work and my life feels very empty rn. Need to leave the house more haha and talk to someone who isn't a customer.
My brother is still in police custody and still in the process of getting convicted, which apparently takes much longer than i'd thought. My parents and a few random people their age who I think they have recruited for this have been continually harassing me through various electronic means/random phone numbers (they do \*67 or something) and spreading false rumors about me and I was too depressed to deal with it properly with another restraining order /other thing so it's just been easier to ignore.
My main problem at the moment is that I'm trying to get a new job but I can't because I need my SSN. When I broke off with my parents and this happened I had some of my important documents with me but not the ones that college students won't use on a daily basis (passport, ssn, birth certificate). I'm embarrassed but I don't have it memorized, the last time I needed it my parents sent me a picture (before all this happened) but I no longer have that in my texts.
I called my parents to send them to me and tried to make it sound like I'd call the police if they didn't and my father implied that he either burned them or would never give them to me. He didn't (visibly) burn them in the video he sent but I don't know if that was everything. I have trouble talking to him right now and I couldn't maintain it. I tried calling his parish leader who I know and he told me he'd talk to my parents about not giving me the info/harassing me but it hasn't done anything if he did surprise surprise.
The only documents I have to prove id are my permit and my school id (which is useless in this scenario). I need more documents if I want to get a new SSN card. I'm also scared of my parents having this information because I think they might try to mess with my life. I'm afraid that if I call the police my dad will just claim that he never had it and burn it/hide it forever and then I'm screwed without any way to fully prove my current identity to get new documents.
Also I want to change my name and I'd appreciate if anyone knows the best way to go about doing that or if it'd be too much of a pain right now. Not that big of a deal and honestly still lazy but would make me feel better if it's not a big thing.
Thank you very much the people here have been very helpful to me at a point in my life when I don't really have anyone to talk to or give me advice in regards to these types of legal issues.
# Update 4 My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/ac4exo/3679\_update\_update\_4\_my\_brother\_hacked\_into/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/ac4exo/3679_update_update_4_my_brother_hacked_into/)
I just want to make this post because i think it's good to make a point about how the world actually works and i don't like leaving things under the false impression that everything ended up being okay.
The last five months of 2018 were the worst months of my life because of everything that happened with my brother and me being disowned by my family, my family's friends, and many other people who I thought I knew/respected.
I ended up getting my documents back without too much trouble but after that everything has been a loss. My brother was not really punished in any substantive way. My parents have endeavored to protect him and he basically got something on the level of probation no jail time. He was fired but has been hired again with a much better job with a small private company because (I'm told) of a connection with a colleague. He (or my parents but I think him for various reasons) had various people call me up from unlisted numbers with vaguely threatening messages calling me a whore or just breathing on the phone until I had to get a new number. Rumors have been spread about me to the point where I don't feel comfortable even talking to nice people I knew because I'm afraid they'll judge me based off things they've seen that aren't true. I still am not going to be able to go back to college this semester because of personal and financial reasons and I basically have lost all my friends due to either personal insecurity, severe depression, or the rumors. I don't leave my house outside of work and I'm not taking care of myself in the way I should. Very grossly thin and pale (working on getting better though) and i've been having very terrible dreams about going to hell and burning alive forever which are driving me crazy. I'm not going to do anything dramatic but mentally I'm not where I need to be.
I'm not trying to make this a pity party, and I acknowledge that I'm a big part of the reason this happened (in the sense that I'm not handling it in the most productive way), and I'm not asking for help (I have a shitty job that allows me to stay alive fine, just having trouble getting to school, which I think I'll be able to start again this summer) but I want to emphasize how fucked up the whole system is. This is the second time in my life I've been put in this position and my first time as an adult and someone trying to report it and either way I have been screwed, lied to, and watched the person who ruined my life get away and live happier ever after.
Nobody cares about people who get violated and I understand why they don't come out and report. It's all rigged.
My brother, his girlfriend and my parents are almost two week long Hawaiian cruise right now smiling and laughing and i'm in my apartment still unable to sleep right because of all this. Happy new year enjoy your cruise hahaha what a cool picture of water slide XD!
Again, thanks to this community at the least. It was a big help in the early stages when I needed to get my thoughts together, and I really appreciated it. I hope everyone who was cool about it gets the type of life they deserve. Really thank you.
# Update 5 My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life
[https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/bqmdiv/update\_update\_5\_my\_brother\_hacked\_into\_everything/](https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/bqmdiv/update_update_5_my_brother_hacked_into_everything/)
I moved to another state now. For the purposes of the final update it doesn't matter.
Things have settled for me as of four weeks ago and I remembered a lot of people sending me messages and PMs so I thought I would give a final update.
Life isn't good in the sense that everything is perfect, i 100% absolutely DO NOT believe in "karma" or that good things happen to people who do good and versa with evil people but things ended up working that way in this scenario after all the shit.
Long story short is three months ago my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he died about two months later this april. We don't have a family history with this and i found out about it more than a month after his diagnosis. Did not see him after his death and whatever campaign he had to bug me with his buddies just stopped all of a sudden when he found out about it, so I guess he lost interest once he found out he didn't have much time. i don't know many details because i'm not involved and I obviously didn't try to be but he's dead.
I'm glad. Felt bad about it for a day or two and then just thought, no, really done with it. the universe threw me one fucking freebie and i'm going to appreciate it. I honestly feel freer and happy and I hope he died in as much pain as could be expected.
My life is 'good' right now. The past nine months have been some of the worst times of my life but things have settled into almost niceness. Uni is postponed at the moment and maybe forever but i've found a good job i like in a much cheaper state that i like more and don't have to work at a lot. i have plenty of free time now and i'm having fun with it instead of sitting in misery. Started drawing again and reading incredibly depressing online superhero novels. Also pushing myself to make new friends and going to look into therapy soon, feeling alive again. Taking care of my health again and am not undereating anymore.
Parents have reached out twice and i ignored them. Planning to do again and forever. I hope they rot and i don't feel bad about it anymore, sick of feeling guilty, sick of feeling sick. They're the fucked up people, not me. All i want to do now is hear about whenever they go and join my brother.
I don't want to say 'my brother suddenly got cancer and died and that fixed everything and i'm happy now' because that isn't true but he died and i'm glad about it and yes it did make me feel happy and i'm finding it much easier to be happy now. i wish i could say I didn't need luck to fix my problems but whatever.
Thanks for everyone who sent me messages and offered me types of help even if i didn't take it. I had four onetime conversations with four people and that meant a lot to me.
Hope only nice things happen to you guys. Thanks again. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqwv6f/my_brother_hacked_into_everything_and_is_trying/ | pqwv6f | 16,983 | 1,453 | [
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2021-09-19T02:32:57 | 30,000 subscribers [meta] | META | Thank you to everyone who spends time seeking out updates and posting them here. Whether they're fabulous or far-fetched, wholesome or wholly despicable they always catch my eye in my feed and get my upvote.
I can imagine that they're sometimes not that easy to find - I really appreciate your efforts, as well as the discussions they spark in the comments. | sheidou | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pqzndv/30000_subscribers_meta/ | pqzndv | 359 | 557 | [
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2021-09-19T05:14:53 | OP Wants to Drop Out of Brother's Wedding After Learning High School Tormentors Will Attend | AITA | *This is a repost, I am not the OP*
Mood Spoiler: >!Mostly Happy Update!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oqqg2o/aita_for_pulling_out_of_my_brothers_wedding/)
Edit: Thanks so much to everyone who have sent supportive messages in the comments. I got a temp ban for getting into a spat with a troll who called me an attention seeker (stupid I know) so I couldn’t continue replying to people, but I really appreciate the support.
I don’t think B & F are bad people at heart. B just really wants me at his wedding, and F despite our past has become quite nice and has made efforts to improve her relationship with me. We’re still not BFFs, but I recognised her efforts enough to help with the wedding. This new development is just unfortunately too emotionally charged. As of now B is saying he will stop talking about it, but he’s saving me a seat at the wedding no matter what and he hopes it won’t be empty. It’s the best reaction I can hope for atm and I hope we can work it out before the wedding.
My brother (B) is getting married and his fiancee (F) went to the same high school as me. I used to be mercilessly bullied in high school and didn’t have any friend, which led to a horrible period of depression and anxiety. I now mainly deal by suppressing those memories, and cutting off contact with people I knew from high school.
F used to be part of a mean girl clique who were especially terrible to me, but to be fair she was more of a follower in the clique. She never directly bullied me, but she used to just laugh along when her clique made fun of me. When B started dating F, I was shocked had a hard time dealing with it because it brought back what her clique used to do to me. If I ever bring up something they did, F usually just laughs it off saying she doesn’t remember, and that they were probably just young and stupid. It took a lot of convincing by B and a lot of time working on myself for me to finally forgive F accept her as my brother’s girlfriend.
B & F are now engaged and B asked me to be his best woman. I accepted, and even agreed to help out with F’s side of wedding events because her MOH has too much on her plate. The wedding planning has been going smoothly so far, until F told me she was going to invite her high school clique to her bachelorette party when she can have it. I immediately felt the old anxiety come back, and asked her if they will be invited to the wedding too. She said yes, and learning that nearly crushed me. I spent some time thinking about it, and I don’t think I could be at the wedding if those people are there. F at least never tortured me herself so I can handle it, but seeing her gang leaders again would very likely trigger my depression or worse, send me into a panic attack at the wedding itself. I told B that I might need to pull out of the wedding because of that, but I can still help however I can with the wedding planning as long as I don’t come in contact with F’s old gang. B is very upset and says I’m only thinking of myself, and clearly I don’t want to be at his wedding because I still don’t accept F as his future wife. He also told me I should move on from whatever happened in high school, but even if I try to do that, a high-stress event like his wedding would be the worst time to test if “moving on” works. AITA?
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pr0ksh/update_aita_for_pulling_out_of_my_brothers/)
&#x200B;
Hello! This update might not be that interesting, but in my last post I couldn’t answer all the questions due to a temp ban and some folks did ask for updates, so I’d like to give some sort of almost-closure.
Like I said in my last post, I don’t think F is a bad person. She tried very hard to grow closer to me after our rocky start. It’s a lot of small steps I can’t describe, but one example is how she made a point to remember my favourite food to cook, or find out what I like to help B pick presents for me. I really did appreciate the effort, which is why I got over my initial disapproval of the relationship even if she never outright apologized to me.
Right after I posted, the situation was tense for weeks. I barely talked to B, and our mom heard I didn’t want to be at the wedding and got upset at me too. The weird thing was, our mom being mad actually turned B around. I told B once how mom told me to just get over it when I was being bullied, so when she was ranting at me for being selfish, B snapped and told her it was partly her fault this was happening too. There were lots of tears over a few days, but at the end, I managed to tell B everything I went through. B got mom to back off and told me he wouldn’t be mad or pressure me anymore, but he still would like me to be at his wedding if I feel better.
What happened next with F actually was the most shocking. I still didn’t talk to her after I reconciled with B because we both felt too awkward, and her bachelorette party went on without me. After the party, F finally reached out. Turned out, when her old clique went to her party, she got them to write an apology to me. She gave me an apology letter signed by them and herself, plus some notes from the girls who wanted to add their own apology. It was surreal to get those notes, and it took me days to finish reading because I kept crying. Honestly I still don’t know how to feel about them or how much they actually helped. But, what I decided was that this was clearly an effort to mend things from F’s side, and I should meet them half way.
My intention now is to try to make it to the wedding since B and F has done their parts. With that said, I’m still worried about my mental state when the actual day comes, and I’m talking to B about backup plans in case I still can’t feel better enough by then. I’m looking into therapy and have tried 2 different therapists. Neither feels quite right yet since I still feel very uncomfortable talking about what happened, but I’m actively looking for options to resolve my issues.
This is probably one of the better ways my situation could have played out, and I’m lucky that I got B back on my side. For those who came out with their own bullying experiences, please know that you are in my heart, and I truly hope we can all get better together. Please take care and stay strong.
I probably will log out of this throwaway and read the comments logged out, so I apologize if I miss any messages. Thanks everyone! | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pr1v7g/op_wants_to_drop_out_of_brothers_wedding_after/ | pr1v7g | 6,718 | 934 | [
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2021-09-19T09:37:06 | My sister is mad at me, because I refused to arrange a therapy session with her psychologist-boyfriend | Relationship_Advice | *I am not the OP. This is a repost. Also, am fairly sure this is not over yet.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pdw7l5/my_sister_is_mad_at_me_because_i_refused_to/) by [u/luminous-martyr](https://www.reddit.com/user/luminous-martyr/)
I've decided to book an appointment with a psychologist, because of my deteriorating mental health due to covid. Everyone, including my family, have noticed a significant change in my behaviour ever since the start of the pandemic. My parents were very encouraging and supportive of my decision to seek a professional help, so were my siblings.
My older sister is especially 'eager' to help. Her boyfriend is a psychologist, from what I've heard a good one and she instantly started to urging me to go to him for my first session. I've had my doubts, since he's technically in a family, being with my sister for three years or so. I refused, stating that I have to feel comfortable to be able to open-up and I will definitely NOT feel comfortable around her boyfriend, who I know very well.
Ever since then my sister attitude changed and she's unbearable, going as far as tell my parents that I must be faking feeling unwell. She's picking on me, pointing out that the reason why I'm saying I wouldn't be comfortable around her bf is because he's so good it will be easier for him to see through my lies.
I talked to my parents about her behaviour but according to them there's nothing to be done. She's an adult, not living with us anymore but with her bf, so they have no control over what she says or thinks.
When I confront her she's always saying that since I'm younger than her I have no right to talk back, I don't know life and that she just wants what's the best for me. Yesterday I've received a message from her, or should I rather say an essay about how I'm faking my depression, how I'm "f\*cked up in the head", how I'm just trying to find a reason to be lazy and the reason why I'm refusing to make an appointment with her boyfriend is because "he will forward to her all the lies I've told him".
I didn't show this to my parents, because I knew they will just shrug it off as always. But I showed it to my friends and they told me that actually psychologists can't just go around and talk about their patients problems to other people, so if what my sister is saying is true, then her boyfriend will be in a lot of trouble.
Now I'm curious if he even knows that she's so stubborn and saying such things. Should I perhaps screenshot her message and send it to him, so he knows? Or maybe anyone have another idea what I could do in this situation?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr1w9l/update_my_sister_is_mad_at_me_because_i_refused/)
Even though some time has already passed, I decided to post an update anyway. I've read every single comment and advice under my previous post (which you can find [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pdw7l5/my_sister_is_mad_at_me_because_i_refused_to/)) and I'm eternally grateful to reddit and redditors who helped me get through this. This update is kind of lenghty, so I will put **TL:DR** at the end. I also want to apologize in advance for any mistakes I made - english is not my firts language.
I did what a lot of commenters have suggested and contacted my sister's boyfriend to ask for a recommendation. He was very nice and helpful, not only he provided me with a few referrals that he knows are great professionals but he also explained to me how therapy works in general, assured that I don't have to stick to the firts psychologist I go to, especially if I don't feel like I "click" with them and that his recommendations are just that - recommendations. I was pleasantly surprised by his approach, so I have not mentioned what my sister has been doing to me, hoping she would stop by the time she learns that her boyfriend was the one who directed me to another specialist.
The crazy comes right after. I guess my sister wasn't all that thrilled about me contacting her boyfriend... she called our parents the same day and made a scene about how I'm "disrespectful to her and her relationship", because apparently me contacting her psychologist-boyfriend for recommendation means that I'm going behind her back & that she should be included in this convo and has her share in it. My parents were, once again, trying to stay neutral and told me to apologize to my sister to get it over with.
I tried to. I really tried to force myself to apologize to her but I just couldn't. I didn't felt like I did anything wrong and it was so unfair.
I guess you can call me petty, because I ended up contacting my sister boyfriend once again. I've written a lenghty apology for "going behind my sister's back", like she has put it. I explained that I just wanted a little bit of help from him, because my sister was praising him as a great specialist. And then I apologized for not wanting to book an appointment with him through my sister, explaining that I would just feel extremely uncomfortable, asking for understanding.
My sister's boyfriend was really surprised about the last part and asked me to elaborate, so I've sent the screenshots of the messages my sister has sent me, adding that she has been pestering me about visiting him for a long time already and it's not the first time she suggested that the reason I don't want to is because I'm afraid she will learn from him about the 'lies' I've been telling.
I think they went on a quick break because of me, because after this my sister was living with us for a three days before going back to her boyfriend's apartament. Fortunately, she wasn't bothering me - at least not about visiting her psychologist-boyfriend anymore. I know she's pissed because she treats me like a plaque now. Our parents are also pretty mad at me, saying that I should just apologize to her and go even for one visit to just "make amends".
And no - no explaining that my sister's boyfriend himself suggested that I should seek help from other professionals helps. I just have to go through this year and then I will leave for Uni. My family is not helping my already detoriating mental health at all.
On a good note, I've found a great psychologist. The first visit was kind of hard but it's getting better now and I'm slowly getting used to this. I also have booked a psychiatrist appoinment, because my psychologist is not entirely sure that I can go on without some help from antidepressants.
**TL:DR - I've contacted my sister's boyfriend, got some great recommendations from him and apparently put a strain on their relationship by not giving in to my sister's demands but on a good note I've hit a jackpot with the psychologist I've chosen & I'm working on getting better.** | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pr4vn4/my_sister_is_mad_at_me_because_i_refused_to/ | pr4vn4 | 6,821 | 1,635 | [
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2021-09-20T01:59:04 | OP asks for advice after catching his boss masturbating at work | TIFU | **This is a repost; I am not the Original Poster.**
*[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/plng2k/tifu_by_showing_up_to_work_early_and_catching_my/) by u/Blockzs*
I work in the (removed for privacy reasons) industry, and am paid purely by commission.. so I don’t have specific office hours that must be followed. In order to hold myself accountable, I set a 8:30-5 office schedule that I typically adhere to. Sometimes I show up later than 8:30, but I NEVER show up earlier.
My office is located in a suite that contains a communal area, with 3 office doors on one side of the room. The first door you pass when entering the building is my managers office, my office is the second door, and the third office is occupied by an elderly employee that works remotely in order to social distance.
I decided to show up to work early today because *****. I would normally just do this at home before going to my office, but the documents I needed were in my office.
My bosses car wasn’t here when I arrived, but I didn’t think anything of it. I unlocked the door as usual and entered the building. To my amazement, I was greeted by my buck as naked manager (46F) sitting in her office chair with her legs spread wide fuckin open, rubbing her problems away. She just about had a seizure when she noticed me, and I reacted in a pretty strange way. I don’t know how I remained so calm, but I simply continued onward to my office after having said a quick “sorry” (stupid stupid stupid), and sat down like nothing happened. Her office door has been closed ever since, and I have no I have no idea what to do. I’m actually writing this from outside because I was literally shaking in that cold building and had to get out, and now I realize her car is parked back here 🤦🏽♂️
WHAT DO I DO!? Things are gonna be so awkward 😭😭😭
Tldr : Showed up to work early, and caught my boss masturbating to start the day off right.
Edit : I’m back inside now and her door is still closed. I’m gonna stick around for 30 or so more minutes, and if she doesn’t come out I’ll just take the day off and talk to her Monday.
Edit 2 : I left for the day. She was probably just getting away from home life for a bit because I’d imagine 3 kids don’t provide much privacy. And I like my job as well as working under her. She’s taught me a lot. I’m just gonna tell her it’s all good and not to worry about it.
Edit 3 : I’ll definitely update you guys once I talk to her. Also, I’m a 24 year old guy for anyone that’s curious.
Edit 4 : I drove back and dropped a note through our mail slot that says
“I’m gonna work on the road today… Don’t stress, you’ve got nothing to worry about on my end! Enjoy your weekend!
Side note, please don’t try to figure out who we are… I can 100% guarantee that whoever you think I am is not correct. I would feel horrible if some random people were messaged with these accusations that they had nothing to do with! Thanks! I also had to remove some info from the post to discourage this behavior.
Edit 5 / Monday : Well… I certainly didn’t expect to find her in the same position today, especially since I didn’t come in until 9:00…. And I didn’t! Haha. She was however waiting to talk to me, and it actually went really well. It started with me saying good morning, and I asked her if she had a good weekend. Her hands were covering her face, but she looked up, kinda laughed and said “yes I did, after the embarrassment and stress passed”. She then confirmed my suspicions about her just needing some alone time from her kids and busy home life, and also said she never intended on anyone witnessing it. To which I responded “It’s all good, I know you didn’t mean anything by it”. We were both laughing by the end of it. Then we just went on to briefly discuss some work stuff, and I’m back in my office. Seems that everything is normal, and we’re mutually waiting for one another to forget it ever happened.
I’ve been working with her for a while, and we know each other pretty well as far as workplace relationships go, so this is pretty much what I expected. I don’t feel the need to reassure her of my secrecy any further… I think we have a solid understanding as far as that goes. Sorry to anyone that wanted a more intense porno situation 😂
Also, thanks for all the comments and such. You guys offered some really helpful advice and helped me get through this. | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/prlcmb/op_asks_for_advice_after_catching_his_boss/ | prlcmb | 4,394 | 874 | [
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2021-09-20T09:31:21 | OP's fiance had an affair with his dad | Relationship_Advice | [removed] | ohdearitsrichardiii | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/prrbkb/ops_fiance_had_an_affair_with_his_dad/ | prrbkb | 9 | 89 | [
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2021-09-20T10:32:19 | OP's Father (55M) had an affair with OP's Fiancee (25F) | Relationship_Advice | **This is a repost; I am not the Original Poster.**
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/osefz6/me_25m_my_father_55m_had_an_affair_with_my/) *by* [u/ThrowRA324932493248](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA324932493248/)
My mom died 4 years ago from cancer and me and my fiancee used to go his place for dinner nothing unusual about that he was a lonely but lately his mood had improved and I was about to find out why.
So yeah my dad invited us over to dinner and then after dinner they told me they needed to talk to me which was odd to her dad we needed to tell you something.
Turns out they have had a sexual relationship for over 3 months and me being a moron asked how many times I was starting to hyperventilate at that point and they were both reluctant to share that.
I eventually got the full story won't write that here painful enough and feel stupid for asking I walked out and left them both and told dad you want her you can keep her you are both finished with me and told my fiancee to give me the keys to my apartment, she was crying as she was struggeling to get the key of her chain I did it for her gave her other keys back and told her I would pack her things and she could come over and pick it up when I was finished.
Her mom came over and picked up her things (she actually sent her mom to do it) I let her in and she had gotten the full story and was so sorry for everything and hoped I would get through this.
My dad and I guess ex-fiancee now has been texting and calling me for the last week not responded or answered any of their calls and my dad even called the cops because he was worried I might hurt myself oh jeez thanks for the concern for my mental health dad maybe you should have considered that before fucking my fiancee..
So I get two officers at my door who told me they had recieved a call from my dad worried I might harm myself I told the officer I was not suicidal and explained what had happened and they both looked disgusted and apologized for bothering me and what I was going through.
The look of pity from the officers made me feel worse I felt just ashamed having to tell these two guys that not sure why I felt shame but I did.
Anyways dad wants me to talk to him I have no idea what to do here I have no other family no aunts or uncles and now no fiancee either anymore.
I have kept busy by going to the gym and trying to live my life as normally as possible my fiancee has moved back with her parents but she is apperantly still in contact with my dad since dad keeps texting me that she is worried about me, apperantly I am the asshole here since he feels that I should not treat her this way.
So yeah I am the asshole here apperantly I mean what do I even do here I have ended it with her clearly but then there is my dad who is now trying to "fix" things and wants me to forgive her.
I honestly just want them both to leave me alone
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/owd7hx/update_me_25m_my_father_55m_had_an_affair_with_my/):
Hey everybody thanks for all the messages and advice I did not expect this post to blow up as much as it did but I just wanted to post an update on how things stand.
First of all I am doing okay in fact I have slept well these last few nights and had support from some unexpected places.
Many of you wanted me to go public and tell everyone well I did not have to my now ex-fiancee took care of that for me she told her best friend exspecting sympathy, instead she raged at her and now most of her friends and mine are now fully aware of what has happened.
Her best friend called me and we spoke for over an hour apperantly whatever angry thought I may have had regarding my now ex-fiancee was nothing to what her and her friends subjected her too.
They have completely cut her off and they even asked her if she slept with any of their fathers.
Her bestfriend also told me that she still believes I will forgive her and that she wants me back (not happening) and seems to be a little shall we say unstable right now, she seems like a total wreck.
I also spoke to her parents and told them to give her time and don't kick her out I honestly despite what she did don't want her to do anything stupid, her parents are probably more pissed at her than I am.
I also met dad we spoke in person and honestly the reason we spoke is that I wanted to pick up some things from home I had a friend of mine with me just incase I felt the urge to punch him.
He made no attempt at small talk and my friend was walking very close by me like was exspecting me to attack him and was ready to restrain me if it happened.
So that's the update GF is a nervous wreck dumped by all her friend, her BFF and I have become good friends (no we are not sleeping together or anything like that) but she has supported me and we have kept talking on the phone, she had been cheated on herself but she could not even begin to imagine what I went through.
Honestly I feel okay my dad I have cut off completely after I got my some of my moms things including her wedding ring, I am taking this I told him he did not argue and you can have this and gave him my enagement ring (not exspensive and honestly I did not know what I was gonna do with it anyways).
He just looked at me and and now finally it dawned upon him just how badly he had messed up I also told him to stop telling her that I may forgive her you are messing with her head and she needs to realize it's over, he said he would not contact her again I told him I did not care if he did or not.
I got in the car and left and felt a lot better.
So that's the update folks I may have gone too far with the ring business but honestly if he wants her then the can marry her.
I have had great support from many people including here and ready to move the hell on.
But if you have any questions I can try to answer if anyting is unclear.
&#x200B;
[FINAL UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/prom6g/final_update_me_25m_my_father_55m_had_an_affair/):
Hi just decided to post one final update since I have been bombarded with questions on how I'm doing and if anything has happened.
I am doing okay my dad and my ex-fiancee have not contacted me at all and have left me alone.
I have had moments were I felt lonely and angry but I had people who have been there for me.
My ex-fiancees BFF and I have gotten close and we decided to go on a trip me and her, we are not together but we have gotten close.
Dad and my ex-fiancee like many predicted have been talking and someone spotted them together in town, I kind of suspected it would happen.
It honestly does not bother me they deserve eachother and just thankful I found out before I married her.
More people have found out what happened now, dad and her have lost a huge part of their social circle, so I guess with many disgusted with them both, they found eachother misery loves company after all.
I also made it clear to my other friends if they wanna contact her and talk to her that also does not bother me I don't wanna control anyone, or make anyone feel they have to stay away from her because of me.
I am not gonna be a vindictive asshole that only hurts me in the long run.
So to summarize I am doing okay, still seeing a therapist and have gotten close to my ex-fiancees former best friend.
I do get depressed and feel anger and lonely sometimes but I have learned to deal with it.
I spent and entire weekend cleaning my apartment to get my ex-fiancees perfume smell out of my apartment since that was a big trigger for me and decided to buy a new bed and a new couch and redecorated a bit.
Sold the old bed and my old couch and honestly it feels like a new apartment, a fresh start if you will.
Thanks to everybody for your advice, concerns and comments they helped alot and needed to vent about it. | uneditedbrain | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/prs3q0/ops_father_55m_had_an_affair_with_ops_fiancee_25f/ | prs3q0 | 7,915 | 2,126 | [
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2021-09-20T15:57:45 | My sister is mad at me because I proposed at her wedding | AITA | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cw8bbi/aita_for_privately_proposing_at_my_sisters_wedding/) *is by* [u/we\_solemnly\_swear](https://www.reddit.com/user/we_solemnly_swear/)
I know that I already sound like TA from the title, but please hear me out.
About a month ago, my sister had an outdoor wedding at a gorgeous hotel overlooking the coast. The ceremony and reception themselves were in the lawn/garden that the hotel rented out specifically for such events, but my fiancée and I also had booked a room in the hotel for the night, which itself was set a short distance apart from there.
My now fiancée (25F) and I (25M) are both very uncomfortable with large crowds, so some time into the wedding, I let my sister know that we were retreating to the hotel for a short breather. We had discovered a small terrace in the hotel the previous day that had an amazing view of the sunset, and we wanted to go there to have 10 mins to ourselves.
We are both huge romantics (seriously, we will make you retch) and LOVE the ocean and the sunset. For our first date, I borrowed the keys of my friend's apartment building's rooftop and set up an picnic and a playlist with a sunset view. Literally every anniversary of ours has involved a private place to watch the sun set over the ocean.
The view from the terrace was absolutely spectacular and the moment was so perfect that I couldn't help myself. It was completely spontaneous. I didn't even have a ring. I just got on one knee and asked her then and there to marry me AND SHE SAID YES!!
No one saw us. The terrace was empty and the garden in which the reception was held wasn't in our field of view. We were both buzzing with excitement but we both agreed to hold off telling anyone else because this was my sister's special day.
Last night, we had dinner with my family, and my fiancée and I broke the news to my family that we were engaged. Everyone was obviously delighted and asked us to narrate the story of how I or she proposed.
My sister was FURIOUS to find out I had proposed during her wedding. She pulled me aside after dinner and completely blew up at me. She accused me of trying to steal the attention from her wedding and I told her that we had intentionally kept the news to ourselves till now to avoid doing exactly that. She said it didn't matter because now everyone would remember her wedding as the day I proposed anyway.
I honestly disagree because no one really witnessed my proposal, so it wouldn't really be part of their wedding memories. We didn't tell anyone we got engaged till now and I don't really feel that anyone will associate her wedding with our engagement at this point because by now it's been long enough that they should feel like two separate events. My sister doesn't see it my way and has refused to speak to me since last night. AITA?
TLDR: Privately proposed to my fiancée during my sister's wedding and kept the news to ourselves. Revealed our engagement a month later to immediate family. Sister now furious with me.
Edit: Because people seem to be misunderstanding, I am repeating here. I did NOT reveal our engagement to anyone until last night which was a MONTH after the wedding, at a private dinner with my parents, sister, BIL and fiancée.
&#x200B;
Update #1 (added in the original post)
I did not realize that my sister might be upset because she lost *my* attention on her wedding day, even if she didn't lose anyone else's. That day was supposed to be about her and I understand how she might feel abandoned in a way. First thing tomorrow, I will be calling her to apologize.
My fiancée and I also discussed it, and we agreed that we don't really want to share our proposal story with anyone else anyway. We are both very private people, and it feels like a very private moment to both of us. The only other people we will be telling will be her parents and sister. We are happy keeping the knowledge of what happened between our families, and hopefully this makes my sister feel happier about this too.
As for those people judging me for not having a ring or a plan, well.... The only person's approval I really care about is my fiancée's, and she told me she was delighted that I finally did something spontaneous because I'm usually too meticulous and cautious. So..... I guess, mind your own business?
&#x200B;
Update #2 (added in the original post)
Oh my God, things are happening fast. I was talking to my fiancée about how neither of us realized that this was such a big deal to so many people, no matter how private we kept it. It's completely crazy to us, I guess mostly because neither of us has really cared for any sort of attention from other people whatsoever.
The conversation turned and the more we talked, the more we realized that neither of us want a big wedding with all the planning and the headache and the *guests*. Like fuck, we'd be running away from our own wedding. So we decided to save all the money we would have spent on our wedding for our honeymoon and just go to the courthouse and get married NEXT MONTH!!!!!
I'm so exhilarated right now I can't even be sure this is real. The only reason we decided to wait till next month is because we want to wait till we can take time off work and have our honeymoon right after we get married. We can have a small dinner right before we leave with both our immediate families but HOLY FUCK I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH
&#x200B;
Update #3 (added in the original post)
Since it's apparently unclear to most people, the "mind your own business" is for those telling me I suck for not getting a ring. It's not what I asked and it's so subjective that pretty much the only person who's opinion matters is hers. I would have thought this was obvious......
On a brighter note, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CONGRATULATIONS!!! I don't think I've ever been this exhilarated in my life. We're both going to try to sleep now since we both have work tomorrow, and once we've spoken to my sister, were going to PLAN OUR HONEYMOON OMGG
&#x200B;
Update #4 (added in the original post)
This is the last one, I promise. We just finished speaking to my sister and BIL. My sister dodged the first two calls, but persistence paid off. I apologized to her and told her I understood why she felt like she hadn't been a priority on her wedding day, and it was never my intention to make her feel that way. She apologized immediately after for blowing up, and said that I did nothing wrong and she shouldn't have taken out her hurt feelings on me. I think she's feeling a bit guilty now, and I felt a fair but guilty too, but overall we've patched up pretty well, and both my sister and BIL are very supportive of us getting married in a courthouse next month (we're going to need their help when we pitch this to my mom, lmao). We both got to scram to work now, and this day is going to fucking *crawl* until we're back and getting started on our honeymoon plans!!!
We both just want to say thanks sooooo much to every congratulatory and well wishing comment. I wish we could respond to each and every one of them, but we'll settle for leaving it up here. Thanks for the well wishes, we think you're all amazing and we're really really touched!! We solemnly swear we shall always be up to no good in the future (yes we both love HP) :) | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/prxq6z/my_sister_is_mad_at_me_because_i_proposed_at_her/ | prxq6z | 7,386 | 983 | [
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2021-09-20T19:33:27 | Is the work environment I’ve created on my team too exclusive? | AskAManager | https://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html
**(THIS IS NOT MY POST. IT’S A REPOST OFF OF ASK A MANAGER!!!)**
A reader writes:
I’m writing this question based on feedback received from an exit interview.
A woman in her mid-30’s left my department after a little over a year. When giving her notice, she commented that she was taking a job closer to home (she had an hour commute each way some days) and had wanted to go back to a position closer to her original line of work. Her senior team members and I were sad to see her go.
HR sent me the results of her exit interview and wanted to discuss “the cultural problems in my department.” On the exit interview, the former employee mentioned that my staff leaves at lunch one day per week to go to a brewery for a beer run (which is true, I allow this) and she was often the only team member in the office; her fellow associates were unwilling to assist her and spent time on social media such as Snapchat, creating an exclusive environment (she was more quiet, older than the 20somethings in the position, and not as much into social media); and that interdepartmental relationships created power dynamics that ruined morale (one of my newly promoted seniors was sleeping with an associate and it wasn’t noticed by me or any other executives).
I don’t feel like this is a cultural issue; I think this was her not being a good fit for our team. I do allow my staff to go to breweries as long as they have coverage. I encourage my staff to be friends in and outside of work and I cannot monitor relationships. At no point did the employee bring this to my attention during our informal one-on-ones. She was extremely quiet and kept to herself, and she didn’t mingle with the team because of her commute and commitments she had (she’s married with a kid and had recently bought a house).
Am I in the wrong or is the former employee just out of touch with how a team of professional millenials works?
*Yeah, you’re kind of in the wrong.
If you’re determining that someone isn’t a good fit for you team because they’re 10 years older than everyone else and have outside-of-work commitments, that’s a problem. That mindset means that you’ll be screening out anything resembling a diverse staff. You want people who come from different walks of life and have different/more experiences and perspectives. That will make your team stronger. (What you’re doing now can also end up being discriminatory in a legal sense, depending on the specifics of how it plays out.)*
*This is the kind of thing that has given the term “culture fit” a bad name — because you’re using it to mean “people who fit in here are all in the same age group and stage of life” (as opposed to legitimate uses of the term, which are things like “people who fit in here care passionately about making customers happy” or “people who fit in here have a sense of urgency and drive work forward at a fast pace”).*
*The brewery thing isn’t necessarily a problem. But if it’s indicative of an environment where people who don’t fit a narrowly defined idea of “culture” won’t feel comfortable, that’s a problem. And for what it’s worth, a weekly beer run is … well, a very specific type of culture, so if you’re doing that, you want to make sure that it’s a deliberate choice to build that particular culture, and that you can defend it to higher-ups.*
*People spending time on social media isn’t a big deal in many jobs, but if your former employee is right that people weren’t willing to help her and were spending lots of time on social media, that’s something you should look at.*
*The senior person sleeping with an associate is a huge problem if the senior person had any kind of authority over the associate or if it created office dynamics that impacted other people, which sounds like might have been the case. If they went out of their way to hide it from you, it’s not necessarily your fault that you didn’t know about it, but if other people knew, the fact that you didn’t might — not definitely, but might — indicate that you’re not paying enough attention.*
*And this jumps out at me: “I encourage my staff to be friends in and outside of work.” That’s an odd overstepping of boundaries. Of course you should encourage people to have warm, collaborative relationships with colleagues. But specifically encouraging friendships? If people develop friendships on their own, that’s lovely. But that’s a different thing than you actively encouraging it, especially outside of work. Combined with the other details in your letter, this sounds to me like you might be emphasizing the social connections on your team at the expense of professionalism and inclusivity.*
*So yes, I think your HR department is right to be concerned. You need to be able to hire a diverse staff — people with kids, people with long commutes, people who are much older, people from different cultures or economic backgrounds, people with different drinking habits, people with varying degrees of introversion or extroversion — and have them able to work comfortably on your team.*
*Right now, you sound too comfortable with writing off people who don’t fit in socially with other staff, and you’re prizing social connections too strongly.
To be clear, social connections can have real value. They can keep people happy at work, and they can make it easier for people to work together harmoniously. But they don’t trump the other stuff I’m talking about here.*
*Right now, I think you probably have the balance wrong, and that’s what HR is concerned about.*
**Letter Writer’s comment**
There was more to this that came out after she left:
Her co-workers in her pod had taken pictures of her and captioned them inappropriately on SnapChat-making fun of her weight, her clothes/style, how much water she drank etc. Someone who had seen them had saved them and also complained to HR. When I find out who complained, I want to move them to another team.
We are in insurance/brokerage firm as part of a larger Fortune 500 company. The brewery was owned by a company whose business we were trying to attract. No one ever asked her but just assumed that she would cover for them because she had made statements that she wasn’t a drinker anyway.
The associates sleeping with one another was knowledge across the team by that point but not to me. They did work on the same accounts so they were reporting to one another.
I’m 28 and this was my first management job; I wanted to build a team that would work well with me and share my ideas of a good time so work is fun. If I knew she would have been like this, I would have pushed back on my director not to hire her in favor for someone younger but she had a fantastic background that wowed my higher ups.
**Update**
I was fired today without severance. When my letter was published, I was already on suspension based on the exit interview investigation, poor management practices and complaints from other areas, none of which I believe are accurate. HR and the management team stated I had mismanaged my team and the ex-employee. I had given assignments meant for her and assigned to her by my director to other members on the team because I wanted to develop them, including my newly promoted senior. As a manager, I knew my team better. Giving special assignments to her, even though it was her role, screwed over my long term team members who would complain to me. I had also downgraded her end-of-year evaluation. I don’t think she deserved the praise she received from the sales staff, my directorand client executives. Her work just wasn’t that good to me. I thought if my team and I froze her out, she would leave. I called it un-managing.
My team found her quietness and her ability to develop sales presentations and connect with each client was very show-off-like. When she asked for help, we didn’t take it seriously because we thought she acted like she knew everything and she was making us look bad by always going above and beyond for no reason. My team and I had worked together for 5-6 years so I knew them, their work and their personalities better than anyone else so I took what they said with more seriousness. I also thought that her years of experience were irrelevant; she didn’t have anything beyond a bachelor’s degree (most of us were smart and dedicated enough to get a masters) and her experience was in a different subset of insurance.
HR and my regional vice president stated she had been hired to fill a role for a growing segment of our business and should have functioned as a team consultant. I used her as an associate so it didn’t make waves with the rest of the team. By losing her, we lost clients and leverage in the marketplace. Our sales territory couldn’t afford to lose any more business under my “mismanagement” and the HR was worried about damage to the brand name. During her employment, my director and I had several meetings on her role as she also dotted line reported to him. I had continued to be insubordinate because ex-employee, in my opinion, didn’t fit in and needed to earn her way to what my director had envisioned for her. If her role had panned out, she would have been higher up than me after two years when I had been there for five.
HR told me the brewery beer runs were against company policy and I should have stopped the SnapChats, especially those who had it on their company phones. I disagree that it was bullying because she wasn’t on Snap so if she didn’t see it, how is this bullying? I also don’t know how/if I should have monitored this with my team. My entire team was fired. The reasons for the firings included alcohol at work, even though we were physically at the brewery, inappropriate social media behavior, and not meeting the code of conduct.
I’m not sure the lesson(s) I’m supposed to learn; I feel like I was the scapegoat for a favored employee’s reason to leave. Being dedicated to your work doesn’t mean you can’t have fun at the same time. My former team and I are wondering if we can take action against ex-employee — her exit interview damaged our reputation, our team, and our careers.
*With this letter-writer’s permission, I’m also printing here some of the email exchange that I had with her after receiving this update.*
Me: I’m sorry to ask this, but I’m trying to figure out if this is real or not. There’s a lot in here that’s making me question it. You haven’t responded to any of the points brought up in my original answer or in the comments. Why?
Letter-writer (LW): Because I disagree with your points and I don’t want to constantly defend myself. My ex employee made me look bad and I thought that as Ask a Manager you would side with a manager.
… I still think my entire situation is messed up that my team got tanked because of someone who couldn’t handle the office and who didn’t need to be there anyway.
I get that I am a shitty manager unless you actually worked with me but I worked with friends for 5 years. I didn’t want the ex employee to begin with. So I wanted to make it uncomfortable for her to leave and didn’t think I’d lose my job in the process.
Me: Do you not understand that what you did was illegal? *(Note: When I wrote this, I was thinking the employee was in her 40s, which would mean age discrimination laws were in play. Upon re-reading the letter, she’s actually in her 30s so my point here was poorly formed.)*
LW: Is it illegal to not like someone? No one got hurt except for someone’s feelings and she left the company. I don’t understand what or how I did was illegal. I’m not getting the lesson that I should have learned. I should not have been fired because someone didn’t like how she was being managed. She left on her own terms. It’s not like I fired her and if I did, I work in an at will state so I could have gotten rid of her at any time. But I’m not that mean.
Me: It’s illegal to retaliate against someone (like moving them to another department or taking them off assignments, etc.) for reporting harassment. You opened your company up to legal jeopardy. At-will employment has exceptions to it, including retaliation after someone reports harassment.
Beyond that, you’ve been managing your team in really horrible, ineffective ways, and it sounds like you’re not willing to do serious reflection on that. You’re digging in your heels and insisting that what you did wasn’t a big deal, but any decent company will think it’s a very big deal — so you’re really hurting yourself professionally by refusing to change your thinking.
LW: I didn’t retaliate. I wanted to remove the SnapChat person but I didn’t. I’m still upset that happened. I still don’t understand why getting angry over someone not coming to me first but going to HR is that big of a deal.
Me: There are a lot of really good, detailed explanations in the comment section on the post. I recommend reading them with an open mind, because they will definitely explain where you went wrong. I hope you’re open to changing your thinking, so that you’re able to move forward in your career without being hindered by this. Otherwise it’s going to continue to harm you over and over.
LW: Ok but can I still get some credit for NOT doing it though? Or not firing ex employee? Or for looking out for my team and giving them opportunities? Isn’t that what managers do?
**Final update**
I wanted to provide an update. I spent August and the first half of September attending some pretty intensive therapy which was beneficial. In therapy, I learned how to deal with people who challenged me past my comfort zone. It also made me step back and realize that I don’t ever want to manage again and that my personality is not one suited for management. I also had the ability to step back and review my behavior: I was self destructive in the work place and those behaviors rubbed off on my team as my team members were younger and more impressionable. I plan to continue individual therapy.
I did get a new job. I started a new position in marketing (which is what my degreee is in). It’s a few steps above entry level in a small firm where I’ll be under more supervision. I’m excited to move on from my mistakes.
Thank you to you and your readers for your advice. While the comments were harsh, I took the time to read them a few times over throughout the course of therapy. It’s tough to hear how much people think you suck but it helped me get back on track.
I wish you and your readers the best for the remainder of 2017 and beyond.
**(THIS IS NOT MY POST. IT’S A REPOST OFF OF ASK A MANAGER!!!)** | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ps1zmw/is_the_work_environment_ive_created_on_my_team/ | ps1zmw | 14,641 | 982 | [
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2021-09-20T21:57:56 | "My husband (38) won't accept our gay son" | CONCLUDED | *This is a repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/j4j2ro/my_husband_38_wont_accept_our_gay_son/) by u/throwRA124698 on /r/relationship_advice advice * TONE SPOILER: >!Moderately happy update!<, TW: violence, homophobia
Last month my son(16yo) came out to us as gay. I (36) already kind of had a feeling, call it mother's intuition if you will, and was not at all surprised when my son came out.
My husband and I both grew up in religious households, but when we had children, we never wanted to force anything onto them. We both agreed that we would raise them as best as we could, and if they chose not to believe in God, we would love them just as much as if they did.
We married young and our eldest was born when I was 20. We had always wanted a decently big family and are so grateful for our three beautiful boys and baby girl. However, last month, the dynamics of our perfect family broke apart.
My son had been so nervous for a while before he told us, and then when restaurants reopened, he begged us to take him out alone, without his siblings. He looked desperate so we both agreed and my mother babysat for us.
We arrived and I just had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. And when the food arrived, he finally said it, "mum, dad, I'm gay".
I held his hand and told him that I loved him, we both did, and he will always be our son.
From hindsight, I now realise my husband was being unusually quiet, but at the time I was so elated and my son looked so relieved.
When we got back home that evening, my husband went straight upstairs, I assumed he went to the bathroom, but when he came down, he had a suitcase. He grabbed my son and dragged him along with suitcase, out of the house.
I ran after them of course. My husband called him names, and pushed him onto he drive. He basically threw my son out. I was pissed. I had no reason to believe my husband would react this way. We have friends who are openly gay and talk to many people at our church who are too, I don't understand how his son being openly gay is a problem for him.
I was so pissed, I stood between them and told my husband to respect his son for who he is. Now, he's never been a violent man, but for the first time in the 17 years we've been married, I saw him as violent, he hit my son. I was so angry, I threatened to call the police if he didn't leave right now. He left the house angrily, drove away. He has been staying with his brother since. I love my husband and my son, I want them both to be happy, but my son is 16. He can't live without his parents help, my husband can.
I chose my son over my husband, does that make me a bad person? Probably. But the moment he hit my son, he lost all my respect. I don't think I could ever look at him the same way. He hit OUR son, that's not okay. I'll always love my son, no matter what he chooses to do with his life. Why can't my husband just accept him for who he is? If he's okay with these strangers being openly gay, why can't his son? Now my son blames himself for me being upset with his father. I keep telling him it's not his fault, but it doesn't help that whenever their father does come home, he poisons our other children's minds to think it is their older brothers fault. I just want my family to be peaceful again, but my husband is refusing to talk to me for as long as I defend my son. Last week, he suggested a divorce. I love my husband so much, but if he doesn't accept my son and apologise for hurting him, I don't think I could stay married to him. Every time I see him, I'm just reminded of that moment when his fist hit my sons face, and it makes me so angry and upset. My mother has suggested we go to couples therapy, but I see no point if his father is too stubborn to accept his son for who he is. Is it even worth it to stay married if all I remember is him harming my son?
#*Update 1, posted as an edit to OP*
Clarifications and (kind of) an update:
I didn't want to express the language my husband used against my son as it was very insensitive and offensive, i didn't think it would be appropriate to write them out.
Me and my children are staying with my parents at the moment, husband keeps showing up at the house and son experiences major panic attacks when he does.
When I commented i would suggest therapy, I meant for him to go alone so he could work out his issues.
I'm looking into some family therapists, lgbt friendly therapists, etc. It is quite difficult to find some in these trying times,but I have found a couple who seem good.
Also, I think the one thing most people were concerned about was to charge my husband for assault. I did take pictures of the injuries and was ready to go to the police but my son begged me not to. This whole thing has clearly shaken him up and he's scared his dad will hate him even more. Even my parents have been trying to stop me from making such a spectacle of it, but I do agree some action should be taken. I'm just trying to remind my son that his father should be penalised for hitting him, and that it's not okay, ever, for someone to hit their children.
It's currently 9:30 am where I live and my husband has responded by telling me that he refuses to meet with me and that I should contact him via a lawyer now. Yes I am heartbroken that my husband wants to divorce me because those feelings have been there for 17+ years, it's hard for them to just go over night. But I do think divorce is the best option for us. He put up a facade our whole marriage, he kind of broke my trust, I don't know if I could ever allow him back in the home. It would be at the risk of harming me and my children, and he could be lying to me again. I would hate it if one day I woke up to my son not speaking to me because I chose his abusive father over him. I don't think it's worth it. He doesn't want to be mature and at least have a conversation with me about it. He's really changed from the man i knew him to be and I honestly don't know how to deal with that, it's very difficult to know the man you've devoted so much of your life to, has been pretending to be someone he's not. I have been in contact with a couple of divorce lawyers from my area, my cousin is a solicitor and even thought divorce isn't her specialty, she was able to find me some of the best from my area.
Also, my plan for today is to sit all my children down, and have a long talk about why mum and dad are divorcing, and that NONE of them are to blame, especially my eldest. I'll tell them that there father did something intolerable by hitting their older brother and expressing such aggressive behaviour in front of them. I'm also going to ask them what there father has been saying to them, and recording it.
I'm just really lucky I have a decent job and make a stable income during this pandemic, otherwise I would be screwed right now. Even though husband was the breadwinner, I don't make too far off from what he does.
#*Update 2, posted as an edit to OP*
Full Update:
Me and my children have been doing online therapy sessions according to covid guidelines and it has been going great so far. My son has come around to getting his father charged for battery, maybe even ABH is possible according to my lawyer. He's also realising that nothing was his fault, the blame lies entirely on his father.
We're also in the middle of a divorce, he's trying to get custody of my daughter but my lawyer told me it's very unlikely he'll be given custody for any of my children. I've cut all contact with him, we only speak about the divorce through lawyers etc.
I'm also looking for houses in the area, we collectively agreed as a family it was better to move on from that house that's been tainted with bad memories. I've made their schools aware of what is happening and told them that if their father tries to pick them up from school/college, to call me instantly.
Thank you everyone for being so kind and supportive! I really have appreciated all the advice and stories that have been shared with me.
#[*Update, Self-Post, titled "Final Update: My husband (38) won't accept our gay son"*](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRA124698/comments/pdo5f7/final_update_my_husband_38_wont_accept_our_gay_son/)
It never really occurred to me that people may want an update until I opened this account after a long time. Sorry if my replies to your kind messages were delayed. Many asked about our lives since divorce and coming out so I thought a final update would suffice.
Ex husband remains homophobic. He refuses to apologise to my son. I reached out to him a couple of times after divorce to see if maybe he had utilised that time to grow as a person but he remains stubborn and ignorant. The love that I once had for him has gone. It took a while but coming to terms with the fact that he was becoming an abuser made it a lot easier. And also, during the divorce he was just horrible and calling me and my son names saying we ruined his life was really the icing on the cake.
Since he was not granted visitation rights, my youngest son adjusted well to the changes in our family and home. He no longer sees his brother as the 'one who broke up the family' and their bond has grown a lot since then. I'm happy to report that none of my children blame themselves for the divorce and abrupt way their father left their lives. I think therapy helped the most with that.
As for me, adjusting to life as a single mother, juggling work and family alone, living off of one income instead of two...i'm not going to lie and say it wasn't difficult. I struggled a lot in the beginning but I was too prideful to ask for help as I blamed myself for the situation we were in. I didn't have to get a divorce, I chose to. If I relied on anyone else now, i was weak and a bad mother. But again, going to therapy really helped with that thought process. I was reminded that marriage isn't just about stability, it's about trust, love, respect, honesty all of which must be mutual and equal for a relationship to prosper.
As for my son, although he does suffer from some trauma and his father is still a (pardon my language) prick, he has chosen to forgive him. He wants to forget that it ever even happened and to move on from that low point in his life. He has made his father aware of his stance but the response is always something distasteful.
Many have since asked whether my son has found someone and to that I must say that I cannot be the one to answer that question as it is not my information to share. There have also been questions on whether I have moved on which I can answer that I have. I dated a few months after the divorce to get my mind off of my ex with a few different people. I have been steadily dating a man for the last couple of months. It's been weird to share things with another man who's not my ex husband and going through the whole dating and getting to know someone again. Especially after it's been so long. He has not met my children yet as I want to make sure that this is right before I do. And also it feels too early to introduce them to another man. I want to wait before I spring this up on them.
For anyone who may be going through divorce, I know it seems impossible to love someone the same way you did. Devoting your time to a new person, especially when you have children to think about can be difficult. And opening yourself up to someone new is strange. But the love you feel/felt for your ex will never be reciprocated because everyone loves differently. Not everything is different, parts of a relationship may be replicated, but for the most part it will be different. But different isn't bad, it's a good thing. You wouldn't want to be with someone who you previously weren't compatible with. Don't let the reason for your divorce to become a hindrance when finding new love, do be cautious of it but don't pick apart any possibly good person to replace that love in your heart. And don't be afraid to move on. You deserve happiness. | EnterTheBugbear | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ps4twm/my_husband_38_wont_accept_our_gay_son/ | ps4twm | 12,032 | 1,692 | [
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2021-09-21T14:25:43 | OPs boyfriend doesn't listen to her. | Relationship_Advice | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/po7ed6/autistic_boyfriend41m_does_not_even_care_to)
Me and my boyfriend both are on the autism spectrum. We are not young, I am 36 he is 41. We got along fine until some time ago.
Not native English speaker sorry:
I noticed he doesn't acknowledge me in an ordinary setting anymore. I mean, we are watching Netflix together, I crack a joke-- radio silence. We are eating, I make a comment -- radio silence. We are driving somewhere, i just try to start a chat, silence. etc. I don't want to be repetitive, but this situation is. He just doesn't respond to me, he just talks when he is the one who started the conversation, but silent when i start it. I feel so hurt, so invisible, so insignificant. My self esteem (which i spent years and years to build up) is going down fast.
I asked him about this, and he says, he "hears the voices i make when i talk", but he doesn't have anything to say or respond, so he just prefers to stay silent and waits for it to be over. This is making me bitter and aggressive. I tried to communicate with him but he just says: "I don't understand, sorry".
He started to cook me these luxurious meals to compensate, but, I don't want a meal, I just want to chat and giggle with him. When we are sitting together he also wants to have a romantic bodily connection, which i feel so out of the mood because of the problem i've just told you, that now HE becomes bitter. I am not sure what to do to fix this.
HELP!!!!
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/psh0sd/update_autistic_boyfriend41m_does_not_even_care)
Hey friends! I just wanted to update because something incredible happened.
After he and I had a lengthy conversation about the issue he decided to go to the hospital to get checked for his hearing. His audiometry exam results came back just now:
He had lost %60 of his hearing!! Also he lost the ability to hear high pitched sounds, but can hear low pitched ones. This also makes sense, because i have a high pitched voice, and he can't hear me, but he can hear low pitched voices (like male friends') better. Thus the misunderstanding. You guys, he wasn't not listening to me, he wasn't hearing me!!!
He is on some medicine now and doctor banned him to use headphones. He and i are both relieved.
Our relationship is back on its feet once more. Thanks for reading, and thanks for previous advices. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/psjssl/ops_boyfriend_doesnt_listen_to_her/ | psjssl | 2,443 | 1,831 | [
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2021-09-21T14:49:22 | A series of updates from someone who spirals (hard) when their anxiety kicks in [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost from the AskAManager blog. I am not the OP. I am just pasting in someone else's story in keeping with the curation goals of this subreddit. Please note I didn't include the responses from Alison Green in this post, but they're worth reading, if you follow the links.*
*Tone of post:* >!Pretty damn sad!<
[Original post: "My anxiety is causing problems at work"](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/my-staff-keeps-calling-me-when-im-off-work-my-anxiety-caused-a-work-problem-and-more.html)
I have been working at my current job for a year. It is my first post-college job and my first full-time job ever besides an internship each summer I was in college. I struggle with anxiety and have worked really hard to make a good impression and keep my anxiety under control at work. It’s still causing problems though and has caused an incident I’m mortified and ashamed over.
I often stuggle with thoughts about people not liking me. I’m in therapy and on medication, but sometimes the thoughts overwhelm me and it’s one of the worst parts of my anxiety. The incident I’m talking about started when one coworker didn’t say goodbye to me when we were leaving for the day on a Friday. I obsessed about it all weekend. I tried to tell myself it would be fine because I would see her on Monday and she would return my greeting, but when I got in on Monday she wasn’t there and I found out she was off for the week. My anxiety went into overdrive even after a visit with my therapist. I was obsessing over what I did to upset or make her hate me.
Her pay stub had been dropped off at her desk and was still there because she was off work. I opened it so I could see her address and I went to her house. I don’t know what I was thinking and I didn’t have a plan. My coworker was angry. She came in even though she was on time off and told our manager and HR about me opening her pay stub and coming to her house.
I was reprimanded and sent to a different department to keep me away from my coworker. Everyone else knows what happened and I’ve heard people whispering and talking about it. I am mortified at myself. I’m not allowed to talk to my coworker or I would apologize for my behavior. She said she would call the police if I didn’t keep away from her. I can’t stop thinking about what happened and don’t know what to do going forward. I read your site every day and you are always non-judgmental and kind to people who write in about mental health issues. Do you have any advice for me?
---
[**FIRST UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/updates-from-letter-writers.html)
I just wanted to thank you for responding in such a non-judgmental way. I wanted to send in an update for what happened.
The coworker was not a friend outside of work but the place I work is a friendly place where people get along with each other. People always say “good morning” and “goodbye” to everyone. I know it was my aniexty that caused me to think she didn’t like me because she forgot to say goodbye one time. She had never been unfriendly to me before and logically nothing happened to make her upset with me that she would not be speaking to me. I know it was my aniexty which caused me to think otherwise. It caused the interaction at her home to be a bad one with yelling and crying on my end and her nearly calling 911.
My coworker knows I have anxiety and it was the cause of my actions but she said it does not matter. I had asked HR to pass along a message to her and they said no and told me to leave it alone. There was also a police investigation of my theft of her pay stub regarding identity theft. Nothing came of it but between that and the stress of what happened with my coworker my aniexty went into overdrive. I was terminated after I kept asking HR and my old manager to give a message of apology to my coworker, even though I had been told to stop.
I have switched medications and have a new therapist. This whole thing has shown me I need to better manage my issue to get it under control. I realize and understand why it was a problem. I’m also looking for a less busy and stressful job. I have been reading through the archives for resume advice.
---
[**FINAL UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-anxiety-causing-problems-at-work-error-in-offer-letter-and-more.html)
I wrote in to you last year and you answered my letter very kindly. I wrote in about my anxiety causing trouble at my work and how I went to my coworker’s house because I thought she didn’t like me.
I was grateful to you and each person who took the time to respond and lend support.
The Bad: The new therapist and medication did not work out. I had a really bad relapse that led to more problem behavior and some drug use. It wasn’t just with my former coworker but a relative also. I ended up being charged and there are restraining orders with both of them.
The Good: The bad stuff led to me meeting the best and most competent therapist. He has helped me more than anything ever in my life. I had never used illegal drugs before the relapse and haven’t since. He has changed my life. Things like what happened with my former coworker that used to cause me anxiety no longer do. I am living alone and have done things like skydiving and dirt biking. I got a part-time job through a program for people on probation with mental health issues and I’m starting part-time night classes soon too. I have never felt better. I’m ashamed of my past behaviors but hopeful for the future.
That’s all. Thanks Alison. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pska5b/a_series_of_updates_from_someone_who_spirals_hard/ | pska5b | 5,546 | 856 | [
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2021-09-21T15:09:18 | The infamous "leap year birthday" AskAManager letter: in which a bizarrely literal OP fails at understanding basic facts about the passage of time (and also at being a good manager) | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost from the AskAManager blog. I am not the OP. I am just pasting in someone else's story in keeping with the curation goals of this subreddit. Please note I didn't include the responses from Alison Green in this post, but they're worth reading, if you follow the links. The comments on both the original letter and the update post are also very entertaining.*
*Tone of post*: >!Fairly light-hearted, if you don't count the uncontrollable desire to shake the OOP vigorously.!<
[Original post: "Telling an employee born on Leap Day she can’t have her birthday off"](https://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/i-paid-for-fake-references-is-it-rude-to-shush-someone-and-more.html)
One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.
There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.
The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.
She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-the-insulting-gift-the-employee-born-on-leap-day-and-more.html)
I just wanted to give an update and to clarify a few things. I am the employee’s manager. For some reason some people in the comments thought I was a “coworker” or “team lead.”
One person guessed I was not American. I don’t know why they were jumped all over but they were correct. I am Canadian. I live and work outside of North America.
Some people mentioned Jehovah’s Witnesses and not being allowed to celebrate birthdays and the legality of this in the comments. This is not relevant to the situation with my employee. Also, it is considered a cult here and is banned. No one who works here is a Jehovah’s Witness.
People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don’t have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.
She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn’t get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.
The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pskosl/the_infamous_leap_year_birthday_askamanager/ | pskosl | 4,642 | 691 | [
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2021-09-21T15:22:21 | How many widows? | Relationships | This has 4 parts. It's about life complications after the untimely death of OP's husband.
I am not the original poster.
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/user/angrywidow) is the original poster.
&#x200B;
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2yywvd/my_28f_husband_36m_passed_away_and_now_his_best/)3/2015
I'll try to make this brief. My husband, Jonah, passed away unexpectedly a month ago from a stroke. I don't want to get specific about that part, it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life, and I'm still not sure how I'm ever going to move on.
We were married for 5 years, together for 7. The past 2 years we've been trying for a baby, but were just getting to the point of considering IVF when he died.
Jonah had a close friend in high school named Marjorie. Marjorie also ended up going to the same university as he did, and they spent a lot of time together during those college years. Jonah said that he liked Marjorie's company, but never felt anything beyond friendship with her -- which I totally believe.
Jonah dated other women during that period, but told me that several times Marjorie hinted that she wanted him to ask her out. She also "joked" about wanting him to be her "plan B" in case she didn't meet someone and get married by 30.
By the time I'd started dating Jonah, he had moved a couple hours away from his hometown (and Marjorie). Despite this, Marjorie immediately began finding excuses to come to our town and "hang out" -- which usually involved her encouraging us to go drinking, and then her passing out on the couch at Jonah's apartment. I didn't mind her for the most part, but she had a habit of saying things like, "you know you ruined our marriage pact, haha!" and pointing out all the things that she knew about him (like what he took in his coffee, his favorite bands, etc).
Over the course of our relationship, and especially after we got married, Jonah definitely put some distance into his relationship with Marjorie. He confided in me that he felt he had "outgrown her" and that they really had little in common anymore. He stopped responding to her invitations to hang out as often, though he would occasionally call to catch up out of guilt (especially when she would text him or leave messages saying she was "so sad he was ignoring her" and the like).
But now he's gone. I had him cremated, like he wanted. We haven't done the memorial service yet -- it was too hard for me to even imagine the first couple of weeks, and I also wanted to give time for some out-of-state people to make travel plans. The memorial is this weekend.
However, two weeks ago, I received an email from Marjorie -- sent to around sixty people, including Jonah's family -- saying that she was holding a memorial service for Jonah in the town where they grew up (the day before his memorial here). I was completely blown away, seeing as she hadn't mentioned anything to me or even attempted to call. Along with the details, the email said that she was "planning the memorial in light of the fact that no other service had yet been held in his memory, and he deserved to be laid to rest with honor". For the record, she was invited to the memorial which I've been planning, and knew it was happening.
I called her, of course, and told her that while I appreciated her willingness to help with Jonah's goodbye, I was already planning a service for him that would involve all of his family and friends. She immediately went on the defensive, and said that she had "only started to plan a service when she realized I wasn't willing to do it in a timely manner". I told her that the timing wasn't her choice to make, but that if she wanted to have a memorial of some kind, to please just add on the invitation that his "official" memorial was going to be held this weekend. She said fine.
I sent a message to all of Jonah's invited friends/family to make sure that they knew the real service with both of our families was going to be here, and then just washed my hands of the whole thing.
This week I received a message on facebook from Jonah's cousin, saying that Marjorie (who has apparently blocked me on facebook) created an "event" for Jonah's "official" memorial service (her memorial) and invited everyone she possibly could. I've been getting blown up with emails asking which day the memorial is, and where. I'm honestly furious -- I don't have the emotional energy to deal with this.
I ended up putting a post up on my wall, reiterating the date of his service here, and asking people to please share it. Thankfully I think the older members of the family don't use facebook or email very often, so most of them haven't been confused, but a lot of people now think that Marjorie's service is the real one.
I called Marjorie again, asking her to add an addendum to her event saying that his actual memorial was going to be here. She told me that "Jonah would have wanted it this way" and that "if I couldn't appreciate her efforts, I wasn't invited to say goodbye to Jonah." I told her that was fine, seeing as I'd already said goodbye to Jonah when I held him as he died. She hung up.
Apparently she's now spreading information to her mutual friends with Jonah, saying that he was planning on leaving me because I wasn't able to conceive. She also said that we had approached her to carry a baby for us -- all absolute lies. His cousin sent me a screenshot of a text where she said that "Jonah always thought we would have the cutest baby together" and that "AngryWidow doesn't understand how much he wants children".
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't care what she says about me, but she's now tarnishing my husband's memory -- especially saying that he wanted to divorce. Jonah would never have left me, and anyone that knows him at all knows that we were committed to each other above all else.
I need to figure out how to tell this woman to fuck off without encouraging her to spread more lies. And I also want to just forget the whole thing and crawl in bed and never get up again.
Help me, please.
**tl;dr**: My husband's former "best friend" is trying to plan his entire memorial service and is tarnishing his memory. How do I get her to stop?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2z99ea/update_my_28f_husband_36m_passed_away_and_now_his/)3/2015
I apologize for not updating sooner, but a lot happened the last couple of days. Thank you to everyone who offered help and advice. For those that offered monetary assistance, Jonah and I were in a stable position financially -- I'm going to be comfortable until I decide to go back to work. Your willingness to help was deeply appreciated, however, and I'm truly bowled over by your kindness.
I took the advice of the majority of comments, and called the chapel where Marjorie was planning her service. I spoke with the pastor, who immediately told me that he had been trying to get in touch with me regarding the service -- apparently both Jonah and Marjorie had grown up in that church (I am not religious, and neither was Jonah as an adult). My voicemail has been flooded, so it's definitely plausible that I overlooked his call.
He immediately expressed how sorry he was to hear of Jonah's loss, and said he had received my contact info from Jonah's great-aunt who still attends there. He said he was surprised when Marjorie asked to have a service for Jonah, but she had claimed that Jonah and I were separated and I didn't want to be involved. He had been trying to follow up with me, but obviously that didn't happen.
He was very apologetic, and said that we could cancel the service, or move forward in any way that felt right to me. He said that he knew the church members would appreciate the service, since many of them remembered Jonah as a boy, but obviously Marjorie would no longer have a role. I agreed that the service could go forward.
He called to speak with Marjorie after our conversation, and informed her that she was no longer welcome to participate in the organization of the service after her behavior. He wouldn't tell me all that she said, but says she was distraught, and he recommended some mental health/spiritual services to her that he hopes she accepts. She apparently apologized for lying, and asked to speak with me -- but I declined. I feel bad if she's truly contrite, but I just have too much on my plate right now.
We had two beautiful services for my husband -- first the one at his hometown church, and then the non-religious one that I planned. Everyone that came wanted to honor Jonah, and that's all that really matters. I was told a dozen stories about him that I'd never heard before, and I laughed so hard I cried, then cried some more. My cousin was on the lookout for Marjorie, and I honestly didn't think about her the whole weekend. She turned up for the first service, and the pastor ended up speaking with her (unbeknownst to me). My cousin says he was sympathetic but firm, and told her that her presence there would be inappropriate. Surprisingly, she left without fuss.
I'm still not sure this situation is entirely resolved, but I got to lay my husband to rest in the way he deserved, and that's the most important thing to me right now.
Thanks everyone for your support.
**tl;dr**: Called the chapel, spoke with Marjorie, and had two wonderful services for my husband.
\[UPDATE 2\]. I debated whether or not to even mention this, but this community has been so awesome I thought I might as well -- I realized this weekend that I'd missed my period, and I'm usually like clockwork. It could just be stress, but I'm going to take a test later. Can't decide if I'm incredibly hopeful or absolutely terrified.
\[UPDATE 3\]. Not pregnant. It was a long shot. Thanks for your support.
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3emk39/update_2_my_28f_husband_36m_passed_away_and_now/)7/2015
I'm not sure if anyone will remember this post, but I thought I would update since it's been a few months. I haven't been checking my inbox, and I'm sort of amazed I remembered the password at all, but I appreciate all of you who sent encouraging messages. It means a great deal to me.
It's been around five months since Jonah died, and honestly it still feels like I'm waking up and living the same day over and over again. I'm in therapy, but the feeling of grief has not subsided whatsoever. Everything reminds me of Jonah and I still feel like half of me is gone. I'm considering moving out of the country, or at least to a different state, but I also feel like a piece of Jonah is here in the house where we lived.
Even worse, Marjorie has still not disappeared. I deleted my social media a couple of months ago in an attempt to simplify my life, but my cousin, who also knows Marjorie, let me know that she has been recently posting photos of herself on Facebook -- with Jonah. Some were from several years ago, but she was saying things like "I still miss my man every day" and "I can't wait until Jonah's baby arrives". She is apparently pregnant and claiming that the baby is my husband's.
She has also photoshopped his face onto several photos -- some on another shirtless male posing semi-suggestively with her. The photoshopping is pretty good, but it's obviously not my husband's body. People have been saying things like "Congratulations, we know you'll be a great mother to Jonah's child" (nobody I knew, thankfully). It honestly made me feel sick, and I went and laid in bed pretty much all day. I hate that she is getting to me like this, but I can't stand the thought that she's claiming my husband was unfaithful to me, and that people are believing it.
One bright note is Marjorie's brother, who also knew Jonah. On one of her recent posts, he commented, "WTF Marjorie? I spoke to Jonah like two weeks before he died and he said he was trying for a baby with Kelly...you guys were just friends...this is fucked up and you know it". The post was deleted a couple of hours later.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the energy to battle with this woman, but I'm infuriated and hurt by this blatantly disrespectful pack of lies that she's spreading. My cousin called her and asked that she remove the photos, but she apparently said that "AngryWidow can go to hell, she just doesn't want to accept that Jonah wanted a baby with me more, and she couldn't give him one".
I'm lost, guys. What can I do about this? It seems like all I can do is sit and watch this crazy woman try to convince Jonah's friends and family that he never loved me.
Update: I just spoke with Marjorie's brother, who called to tell me that Marjorie is NOT pregnant, but seems to truly believe that she is. He asked her how far long she is, and she said five months, but she is still completely flat. He isn't sure if she's lying, or she actually believes she's having a child with my husband. He asked her when they conceived, and she mentioned a date that he knew we had been on vacation.
**tl:dr** The troubles with Marjorie continue.
[Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3fg5pn/final_update_my_28f_husband_36m_passed_away_and/)8/2015
A lot has happened since my last update. Hopefully this will be the end of the story.
Marjorie's brother became very concerned after speaking to me, and apparently questioned Marjorie extensively about her behaviour. She continued to claim that she was pregnant with Jonah's baby, and that they had had a lengthy affair -- but the details didn't add up (the brother knew Jonah pretty well, and was generally aware of his work schedule, etc). She said they were meeting at a hotel at lunchtime three days a week, but he knew that Jonah came home for lunch with me every day. Stuff like that. He went home late that night to sleep on it.
After he went home, Marjorie came over to see me at 3AM. She started screaming at me to come outside, saying that I had ruined her relationship with Jonah, and how happy they were before me, etc etc. I called the police and her brother, who both arrived around the same time. She pushed the police officer who tried to ask her what was going on, and was immediately arrested. I felt bad for her brother, but he just apologised to me repeatedly. Marjorie yelled expletives and tried to demand special treatment because the police were apparently "hurting her baby" by keeping her in the car. I gave a statement, and they left.
Not exactly sure what happened after, but her brother says she is now under psychiatric evaluation, and is apparently struggling with a mental disorder that he wouldn't name (she has apparently not taken her meds in two years). I didn't ask for details, but it seems she is going to get some help. I'm not pressing any sort of charges.
Her brother also linked me to his post on social media, where he made it very clear that Marjorie has been having some difficulties, and absolutely none of what she said about Jonah is true.
I'm glad this seems to be over, but I've decided I need a fresh start no matter what. I'm looking for a job out of state, and I'll be doing my best to leave my life with Jonah behind.
Thank you all for your help and encouragement.
**tl;dr**: Marjorie is getting psychiatric help, and I'm moving away to start my life over. | amistada | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pskycr/how_many_widows/ | pskycr | 15,329 | 940 | [
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2021-09-21T16:49:51 | Meta: can we get a thread for suggested posts? | META | I’m often on mobile so I don’t have the time or patience to make posts, but lately I’ve come across some good Redditor updates worthy of this sub. Can we maybe do a stickied thread that people can comment links to updates they’ve found so others can post them in the “standard” format? | noomehtrevo | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/psmqzq/meta_can_we_get_a_thread_for_suggested_posts/ | psmqzq | 285 | 153 | [
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2021-09-22T02:06:34 | My mom knew baby wasn’t mine but kept her mouth shut + UPDATE | null | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/piff3q/my_mom_knew_baby_wasnt_mine_but_kept_her_mouth/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf) by u/ThrowRA_needh3lp
I’m (26m) still so angry about this even though it happened almost over a month ago. My ex girlfriend (27f) who I’ve been with since highschool cheated on me. Supposedly she couldn’t handle the guilt anymore and told me there’s a good chance the 10 month old baby boy I thought was ours might be from some other guy. As it turns out I’m not the father. I’m super pissed off and hurt. And feel like a fucking moron more than anything. We’re obviously done. I told her I never wanna see her again, I’ve moved out of our apartment and living with my friend now. Working on getting me removed from the birth certificate with an attorney so I can officially be done with them. I guess everyone’s deciding to confess their sins to me because now my mom is admitting that she knew the baby wasn’t mine and she’s sorry for not say anything. She knew since my ex was PREGNANT that the baby might not be mine. My ex called her up crying and confessed to everything when she first found out she was pregnant cause she was scared that I might figure out I’m not the father. Cheating ex is one thing but seriously, my MOM??? Feel more betrayed that she of all people would hide this from me. The one person you’re supposed to trust and who’s first instinct is to protect you. I can’t believe it. My mom keeps saying she’s sorry. She never told me cause she hoped the baby was mine and didn’t want me to get hurt. A whole fucking mess, 10 months of taking care of a baby I thought was mine and she thinks this was the better outcome than I do know…getting a fucking paternity test after birth so that I didn’t waste all this time.
At least my dad and my older brother are pissed off about what she did too. But everybody else won’t leave me alone about how I’m being with my mom. They all think I’m punishing her too hard for this and she thought she was helping me at the time. That I need to forgive. But idk if I can do that. Tbh I don’t know what I should do about my mom. She always been there for me but these feel like something I can’t come back from. Any advice?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pspsi3/update_my_mom_knew_baby_wasnt_mine_but_kept_her/)
It’s been a long couple weeks ngl but it feels like a lot of time has gone by with everything that’s happened. Took some time to get the anger out of me. Broke some stuff, went on a solo trip to clear my head and feel like it accepted my reality. The support I’ve gotten here helped so much, it feels good to just be heard you know? Once I was back I had a long conversation with my mom. Everything that I needed to tell her, the fact that she choose to stand behind a cheating liar over her own son no matter what “good intentions” she thought she had, let her say whatever she needed to say to me. All this talk about wanting me and my girlfriend to be a family, for that baby to have a loving father and not wanting to hurt me. Then I told her I was done with her. Honestly there is nothing she could do to gain back my trust that would ever make me want her back in my life and not look at her in total disgust. I said that I’m sorry but she’s dead to me, it’s better now she accepts I don’t want to see her anymore . Not with how much this has fucked me up. My mom obviously tried to fight me on this but I only said if she wants a child so bad then go ahead and call up my ex. But not gonna let either of them hurt me again.
You can imagine some of the shit I’ve gotten from other family but the second I said I’ll cut off from them too it stopped. I’ve changed my number only my dad and a few other people know. Crazy part is I definitely felt a lot lighter after that conversation with her. Took me a couple days to process and accept it. My dad at least is there for me, he was there to hold me when I broke down from everything . As far as the situation with my ex and refusing to go after the real father. Well that was a total shit show.
It took a lot to convince her to do this for me. Asking her if breaking me mentally and emotionally wasn’t enough for her, since she was gonna fight having me on the birth certificate when I just wanted to completely be free from them. Finally a couple days ago she told me who it is and she promises she’ll cooperate with removing me from the baby’s birth certificate. I had suspected the reason she was refusing so much to say who it is was because it was probably someone we knew personally. Not anyone in my family at least and even though that’s what I suspected it still fucking hurts. The snakes you never realize you had in your life…It takes a toll on you. So that’s another thing I’m trying to process since it’s still so fresh. Trying to get through it though and finally heal from everything. At least legally it might not be such a hard battle. Unless she changes her mind which honestly you never know. I’m hoping she doesn’t because all I want is to be done with them and not be stuck paying for someone else’s kid for 18 years of my life. Sorry this wasn’t such a happy update. At least I’ve learned who the real toxic people in life are and have cut them out.
Edit: Yes I already have an attorney I’m working with to get my name off the baby’s birth certificate | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/psxlu2/my_mom_knew_baby_wasnt_mine_but_kept_her_mouth/ | psxlu2 | 5,429 | 829 | [
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2021-09-22T04:47:58 | OP freezes when her best friend tries to kiss her; concern for her friend and confusion about her own sexuality ensue | Relationship_Advice | **This is a repost; I am not the Original Poster.**
*[My bestfriend (16F) kissed me and I (16F) froze up.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pash09/my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f_froze_up/) by u/ThrowRaKissed884*
We were just joking around in her room, we are neighbors. I was teasing her about soccer and she pinned me down on the bed and tried to tickle and then she kissed me. I froze up. I was not expecting it at all. She realized that I was not responding, pulled up and she begged me to forget about it and not to tell anyone. I was still pretty dazed and didn't respond at all and then returned to my house.
She has not talked to me for two days. I cannot stop thinking what happened. I feel so bad for freezing up. I really didn't expect it at all. I don't know how I would have reacted to her trying this if I knew she was going to kiss me. She has really soft lips. I have texted her that I won't tell anyone.
It was heartbreaking to watch her apologizing for kissing me. I hated watching her beg and grovel for me to forgive her and keep her secret. I really wished I had reacted better, I shouldn't have just stared at her face. I should have said something or did something. I am terribly confused, A part of me wouldn't mind kissing her again but a bigger part of me just wants to make sure she is safe and okay. Idk. I am really confused here. I need help on how to deal with this. \
EDIT : I texted her that I was feeling a bit confused but she didn't have to worry me outing her or about how this will impact our friendship. I said I would always be her bestfriend and we can figure things out together whenever she wants to talk about it. She hasn't responded yet.
TLDR: Bestfriend kissed me, I froze up and she apologized. I want to fix things but I don't know how to fix things, Should I just kiss her back or something?
*Selected comments:*
[#1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pash09/my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f_froze_up/ha6udev/)
Okay, I am kinda scared though. I may like kissing her but what if I don't? It is clear she likes me and I don't want to hurt her more by kissing her when I may not have feelings for her. I don't want to hurt her. I really don't want to hurt her.
[#2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pash09/my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f_froze_up/ha6w7lm/)
Okay. Like if she was just another girl. I would probably go over and kiss her but she isn't. She is one of the most important person in my life and I can't stand the idea of hurting her.
[#3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pash09/my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f_froze_up/ha8p02i/)
I did something creepy and I have been creeping on her insta and she is so hot. I think I want to kiss her. I feel this mix of jealousy, possessiveness and lust. lol. She fucking likes me. I would be the biggest idiot to let her slip through my fingers and fall in love with someone else. ugh.
[#4](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pash09/my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f_froze_up/ha9mclh/)
I don't know what is going to happen but I feel like I want to give this a shot. It is not the stalking that is creepy. It is my thoughts that are. I guess, is this why girls freak out about boys? I never really got that. Boys are fine but I never understood all the emotion about a boy, until now. lol.
*[Update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcl57z/update_my_bestfriend_16f_kissed_me_and_i_16f/)*
I realized she was avoiding me and I just texted her that I was going to come over and if she really didn't want me to, she could just tell me right now. She said to come over. I won't lie, While I was going over there I was like. I am going to sweet talk her and just kiss her.
She was a mess. She was apologizing for kissing me. She was very stressed out and she said she would totally understand if I didn't want us to hang out together. I asked her if she had feelings for me. She said she had for like a year(!!!!). I asked her if I could kiss her. She had this really cute expression on her face, she nodded. It was pretty awkward and we were both stressed out but we tried again and that one was perfect. we have talked about it and we are not telling anyone. I am kinda in a daze right now. you know, I had boyfriends before and yeah, it didn't feel like this. lol. This is the real shit.
TLDR : Went over, talked to her and kissed her. My best friend is now my girlfriend.
*Edit: added original title* | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pt06vv/op_freezes_when_her_best_friend_tries_to_kiss_her/ | pt06vv | 4,567 | 690 | [
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2021-09-22T09:37:12 | OP's Husband Suddenly Doesn't Want The Kids To Have Friends Over Anymore | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pmte2p/aita_for_telling_my_kids_something_my_husband/)
I (38F) have three kids, 13F, two 16 year olds one male one female they are twins. All three of my kids have friend groups and are dating, 16s have been dating the same people and have been friends with generally the same group since middle late school, 13 just recently got a girlfriend and only has one friend at the moment.
Me and my husband(42) have always been fine with their partners and friends coming over as long as they shoot us a text first, our only rule is that their is no bringing a new person over every single day, no staying up past 1AM max.
Recently, my husband has been trying to change our family dynamic a lot, family breakfast and dinner instead of our usual grab and go to our room, constant outings and game nights, etc. We have family time often, but not to this extent (4-5 times a week now)
Last week, he proposed the idea of a family meeting to me. We have never had one of these, never needed to, if something needs to change we just talk about it whenever we’re all free. He discussed this to me in private, I told him I hated the idea.
The meeting was apparently supposed to be about how he no longer wanted our children to have company over and that he doesn’t want any outside kids in our house.
All of my children have very sweet friends, some of them even offer to wash dishes after dinner kind of sweet. None of them are loud, messy, bad influences, etc. Maybe a few swears and inappropriate talk, but I chalk that up to them being teenagers.
He asked me to keep this a secret, that it was mandatory, and he’d tell the kids the night before.
I was pissed I also had to be forced to a family meeting because he refused to even budge about it being mandatory so I ended up chatting to a friend about it over the phone. Turns out my 13 was listening in, and I told her about it since she asked.
My 16s then joined in, we all talked about it together and agreed it was a weird unwanted change, kids asked me to talk with him about it because they thought it was unfair they all of a sudden couldn’t have friends over for some unstated reason.
I told my husband the full story I also told him that everyone thought it was unnecessary for it to be a meeting and mandatory, that he should’ve just told us all upfront if he had an issue with any friends, etc.
Husband blew up about how this meeting was incredibly important (still refused to say why it was) and that we would all be coming whether we liked it or not no matter what.
The meeting is in two days, I don’t want to fully blow my husband off since this is apparently important, but since he refuses to tell us all what the actual issue is.
I want to just take my kids out of the house for this appointed meeting unless he actually tells me what his issue with our children’s company is. I see no true point in it if all guests are respectful and haven’t made trouble.
(Edit; We are going to the old man’s meeting now, but if it blows up in his face and kids are upset with him, I won’t punish them for disagreeing, or even straight up telling him he’s wrong.)
*People were going crazy in the comments trying to guess what had the husband suddenly changing his mind about the kids having friends over. Top theories were that he had gotten bad news about his health, was afraid to have outsiders over during covid, was starting to worry about empty nest as the kids get older and wanted more time with them & possibly had repressed homophobia towards 2 of the kids' partners.*
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/user/erokelerly/comments/pp0cnb/update_aita_for_telling_my_kids_something_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Decided to post on profile since it wasn’t as big a deal as some people thought it would be.
We went to the meeting, husband went on a big spiel about how he didn’t want anymore guests over. Boring, unnecessary and with a ton of big words that none of us even knew the meaning of,
My husband simply didn’t have a point! Every time we asked him WHY he wanted to enforce this, he stumbled and brought up a bunch of old, already solved problems. Like rude or messy kids that we took care of appropriately. He pulled at straws saying that it was disrespectful to have people in and out of the house and all of that, nothing that was actually of value.
We all left when he started saying the appearances of their friends were an issue, and told him we weren’t coming to another “meeting” until he genuinely had something to say. Over the past day, my kids have been ruthless in their mocking tones and constantly mentioning how much of a bust the whole thing was, can’t blame them.
That’s it, really. My husband grasped at straws in front of all of us for a full 20 minutes and now we’re joking about it. Me and my husband did have a small argument which is why I didn’t post sooner, said we should’ve listened to him despite him having nothing to really say. He blew up a bit so some tensions have been in the air, but we’re working all of that out.
Forgot to mention so edit; but kids are having one or two friends over each for a sleepover this weekend! As a treat!
Sorry it’s kind of anticlimactic, I can’t believe it was so bland myself, I actually thought he would’ve had something to say! | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pt3xv2/ops_husband_suddenly_doesnt_want_the_kids_to_have/ | pt3xv2 | 5,398 | 1,007 | [
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2021-09-22T12:06:37 | OP buys their pregnant coworker congratulatory pastries, only for someone to eat them before the party starts. | mildlyinfuriating | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinfuriating/comments/psxf74/coworker_announced_that_she_and_her_so_are/) by /u/Weyland223
OP posts [this image](https://i.redd.it/ru9kd2idoyo71.jpg) with the title *Coworker announced that she and her SO are finally pregnant after years of trying, I got her a box of pastries to celebrate and when I the party was about to start I open the fridge at work and see this...*
OP later posts [these updates](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinfuriating/comments/psxf74/coworker_announced_that_she_and_her_so_are/hdtaoj0/) in the comments:
Update : ok so this didn't ruin the party or anything, there were still plenty of pastries inside the box. I basically lost my shit and became Dwight Shrute where I gathered everyone around including my manager and general manager and told them "I hope the disgusting person who did this choked on it". My GM and hr admin were also pissed and were able to find the person who did it through the cctv cameras outside the kitchen and after confronting them.. their reason for doing that? They have a huge crush on the coworker who got pregnant who btw is and has always been happily married. They thought that things wouldn't workout between them and eventually would swoop in when they finally break up. they Said it was a moment of anger and they were sorry. They're currently in my gm's office with the hr admin there with them and it's been almost an hour. I think they might get fired or at least transferred outta here.
Thank you all for the comments about how delicious they look, they tasted even better.
A special thank you for those who gave me.. Ideas? On how to deal with those kinda people but I assure its not necessary. We've never had this problem before and everyone's food is labeled anyway to avoid these kinda incidents.
Finally, thank you for the wholesome comments about my coworker. she and her husband were really going through a tough time especially when everyone in their lives were having baby showers and gender reveal parties so you could imagine how huge this is for them :)
Update 2 : when I told my coworker about the person who did it, her response was "oh no, not him" I asked why? She said they went out on a single date when she first started here and he talked alot about how "she looks like his mom and kept pushing her to meet her to the point where he took a picture and compared the resemblance" all during single date. Normally I stay out of office gossip and avoid it like the plague but I'm getting real fomo vibes right now.
Final Update : after more than an hour of screaming in the gm's office.. He's been put on notice, not fired or transferred but a warning! He's been asked to go to therapy which i highly doubt he'll do and also his office is gonna be moved to the back of the building away from my co-worker's corner so that's good I suppose.
I'm not sure but I'm hearing that he pulled the whole "I'll kill myself if you.." card which is even more infuriating.
Clarification : my coworker was single when she first started working here and she got married a year maybe two later so no she didn't cheat by going on a date with the psycho.
For the people who are mad I used" they're pregnant " it's what my coworker used when she made the announcement. Believe I understand the whole" you ain't gonna be pushing that baby out so we aren't pregnant, it's only me!!!!! "
[For Those Asking About The White Cake ](https://order.labaguette.com.kw/product/mini-desserts/white-forest)
Final update as in what the actual f\*ck : during the process of moving his stuff to relocate his office, the people helping him found an old hair tie , and a bunch of pens, pins and office supplies that said "procurement dept" on them. The stuff have been brought to my gm's office and currently trying to make sure that those stuff belonged to her.
~~If he's not fired after this I'm going over my gm's head!~~
**He's been let go and currently being escorted out the building by security.** | zorton213 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pt64m5/op_buys_their_pregnant_coworker_congratulatory/ | pt64m5 | 4,055 | 2,254 | [
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2021-09-22T13:59:53 | Fiancé asks reddit for help on his affaire, OP finds his post | Relationship_Advice | [Fiancé's Post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nzm06p/a_rock_and_a_hard_place/)
**A rock and a hard place**
Hi Reddit!
In a committed, long term relationship with a wonderful human. Met in College, so many lovely adventures and fond memories.
Significant other is great, super supportive of what I do, loves unconditionally, and would never leave anyone stranded. Stayed with me through some of my lowest lows with my career and mental health. Huge reason as to why we’re getting married.
Recently encountered someone on a work trip, at the time I had no thoughts of making a mistake and there were no situations in which that would have happened.
I may have developed a crush, I left it alone and chalked it up to infatuation by proximity. Maybe just some physical urge, maybe just the circumstance of the trip. But nonetheless, left it alone.
It’s been 4 months since that trip, and I find myself captivated by my co-worker. Sex appeal isn’t necessarily a factor here. When we talk I feel emotionally engaged, I find myself going above and beyond to help with their projects and make active effort to talk to / hear from them. To make it worse, they are in a relationship with a mutual friend of me and my SO.
I haven’t said a peep about it to SO or co worker, I’m still trying to process it. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. Is it even possible to be in love with more than one person at a time?
Im confused, guilty, frustrated all at the same time. I don’t have any ill intent, I don’t want to home wreck and I certainly am not going to act out on impulse.
What the hell should I do?
[UPDATE](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nzm06p/a_rock_and_a_hard_place/h584rug/)
Month update:
Co-worker has said via txt that they love me, and I reciprocated. Has also since called me and told me they just were thinking of me and wanted to hear my voice.
I think it’s time break this off with my SO. I don’t expect CW to do the same, nor do I expect to end up with my CW.
But this isn’t right or fair for my SO. I don’t want to string my SO along if I’m not totally devoted to them.
Wish me luck.
[OP's Post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pryu62/my_nowformer_fianc%C3%A928m_came_here_for_advice/)
**My now-former fiancé(28M) came here for advice months ago on his emotional affair and never said a word to me(28F).**
I don’t really know what to say about it, we just relocated halfway across the country and I don’t know anyone here. I think it’s gross that he involved me in his emotional affair. Wanted me to be friends with her. Asked me to help him put a care package together for her birthday, which is how I knew something was off. He never does stuff like that. We even went away on a couples weekend with her and her boyfriend in June before we moved. It just feels so slimy.
I found their cutesy messages a few weeks ago and he acknowledged that it was wrong but denied any connection, just said that he was struggling and being self-destructive and looking for validation. I stayed because he said this was related to mental health and he wanted us to try to get back to a good place.
This morning I found his Reddit post where he said they’ve told each other that they love each other and he was asking advice on how to deal with the guilt of loving us both. He wrote that he was going to end things with me but he posted that 2 months ago and he never said anything. That was before I even found the first texts, why not just let me end it when I confronted him about them instead of convincing me to stay and dragging me through all of this? How about before I moved 1600 miles away? How about before you pursued her at all?
I ended it this morning, and he didn’t argue because he doesn’t love me anymore. I guess I kind of just can’t fathom that.
I’m not shocked that we weren’t in a good place(so much background I don’t know what to include), but I am shocked that he would do something like this to me. We’ve been together for 8 years and I thought we had such a solid friendship underneath it all.
I’m going to be okay and I know I deserve better. I’ll end up with someone who loves me the way I deserve but I wanted that to be him, and I really believed that it was. So how can we be here now? the betrayal I feel is..I don’t know how to describe it.
Please tell me someone else has been here. I know I’m not alone but I think I just need to hear it.
EDIT: Text of his Reddit post can be found in the comments below
Update in the comments as well!
**OP's Comments:**
[(1)](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pryu62/my_nowformer_fianc%C3%A928m_came_here_for_advice/hdm284c/) Agreed. Her bf is a friend of my ex-fiancé, which makes it that much worse.
I took screenshots of the Reddit post and told him that he needs to come clean or I’ll tell the guy myself.
He hemmed and hawed and tried to worm his way out of it. He deleted the text conversation with her instead, which just shows that he’s not remorseful, he just doesn’t want consequences.
If he doesn’t do it tonight when he gets home from work, I will. I suspect he contacted her to delete her stuff as well but I think the Reddit post is damning enough.
[(2)](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pryu62/my_nowformer_fianc%C3%A928m_came_here_for_advice/hdntors/) EDIT: For those who wanted to see his original post, I did include the link earlier but then people were going there and commenting(which like..girl I hear you) and I’m just not trying to make this even more difficult so I pulled it. Here’s the text of the post instead. Original is from about 100 days ago, month update is about 70 days ago
[UPDATE](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pryu62/my_nowformer_fianc%C3%A928m_came_here_for_advice/hdojtd8/)
UPDATE: He did message the friend and come clean. I did feel he played it down a little bit(“my SO felt this and my SO felt I should message you” etc etc.) as if this was because I reacted poorly rather than them having this flirtation or whatever. He did not send the Reddit post at first, but did afterwards when I insisted. The girls bf said it was no big deal so hey, whatever floats their boat.
We had a big blow up, said some mean things, and he went outside to call his family and cool off. When he came back he sat down and apologized and I actually believe it was sincere.
We’re over but we cried and mourned the life we would’ve had together. You may think me weak for that but I really needed the only other person in the world who could feel the life we were supposed to have say goodbye to it with me.
The angry part of me feels like:
To be unloved by the person I love, cheating, the whole thing is my worst nightmare. And he knows it! I’ve always told him cheating is a dealbreaker(it’s harder in practice) and “I can’t make you love me” makes me cry every time. And I think he wasn’t brave enough to break up when he wanted to, so he concocted this horrible, cruel, backstabbing nightmare to make me do the dirty work of the breakup while he got some cheap validation. He trickle-truthed the whole time, it took multiple confrontations with irrefutable evidence to get him to acknowledge any of it. And he didn’t even care enough to stop talking to her afterwards. He wanted to sweep it all under the rug and was annoyed at me when I expected him to tell the truth, to me and the girls SO.
But I’m at a point now where the anger is tired and all that’s left is heartbreak.
The weaker part of me feels like:
He is struggling with his mental health and he wonders if it’s not that he doesn’t love me anymore, but he’s just pushing me away. I know you’ll think it’s just an excuse, which is fair, and maybe I’m blinded by wanting that to be true so fucking badly.
He is going to be seeking help. and I can’t stop myself from thinking…oh well what if he gets better and turns out this was temporary insanity and he’ll treat me like he used to before all this. In 8 years, he’s never done anything even close to this. He doesn’t even look at other women. “Didn’t” is a better word I guess. But I feel like this has just smashed me, so even if there was a miraculous resurrection of an earlier time, I don’t know how I could ever trust who he’s messaging or what he’s deleting.
I think we’ll still be living together for a while but I’m just going to do my best to live my own life. I do hope he gets better and I want him to have a good life. The idea of never seeing him again just burns me up inside. The idea feels unnatural. Maybe it’ll feel less unnatural tomorrow or the next day.
If you’re still here, thanks for reading my ramblings. I don’t feel as strong as I did earlier, but your comments and DMs have bolstered me. I read every single one of your stories and while I’m sad that so many of us have been in this boat, I’m glad we’re paddling together. | Angry_ACoN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pt84nh/fiancé_asks_reddit_for_help_on_his_affaire_op/ | pt84nh | 9,050 | 599 | [
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2021-09-22T14:00:06 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pt84um/deleted_by_user/ | pt84um | 9 | 829 | [
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2021-09-22T16:04:23 | I left my cheating ex on the top of a mountain | pettyrevenge | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/irmq33/i_left_my_cheating_ex_on_the_top_of_a_mountain/) *is by* [u/sushi-\_-lady](https://www.reddit.com/user/sushi-_-lady/)
I’ve been on reddit for a while now but have never had anything noteworthy to post so I’m excited about this despite it being a shitty time in my life, also I’m on my phone so sorry if it’s getting messed up. This happened a few hours ago and I still have a bunch of adrenaline
So I’ve (f20) been dating this guy (m22) for a little over a year now and it's been nice even though we have our differences. I love to work out (I mean I run up and down 14ers in my free time) and he’s always been sorta lazy and out of shape but is still easy on the eyes so it’s never been an issue. Recently though my girlfriend was at a bar with some of our other mutual friends and coincidentally, and luckily, saw him out with the boys as he said he would be...but his ex was there with him along with some other girls. She figured they just ran into each other, he’s never done anything suspicious before but I guess I’ve been a bit too trusting. She said she just kinda looked over there occasionally but decided to text me when they were a liiiiittle too close. I called him because like what he said he’d just be with the boys and he said he’d be home when he got home and hung up. At this point I realized that I hadn’t been paying much attention to his behavior (not him, we literally live together) being preoccupied with college & work and everything that I’ve brushed off fell into place and I realized he was most definitely hooking up with his ex. He always stayed out late, would ignore my texts and calls for hours, hung out with his “friends” but never invited me and has always been ridiculously protective of his phone saying he wants to live his own life and it’s private which I should’ve called him out on but I’m way too naïve I guess. This was my first real relationship.
Anyways! He got home way late like 3am, I hadn’t heard anything from my friend or him but had been staying up plotting my revenge because a break up over this type of thing isn’t enough. I demanded that he give me his phone and when he refused I straight up said “then pack your shit and leave,” he’s not in the contract, just been staying with me and my roommate and giving me rent since covid started. I guess he didn’t realize I would actually say something like that, I’ve always been super gushy over him and basically tend to his every need, clearly I would never be the one to break us up. He gave me his phone and I didn’t know where to start but eventually found a messaging app I’ve never heard of and sure enough when I opened it the first name to pop up was his ex. Turns out they met almost every weekend for drinks or a restaurant and most definitely hooked up afterwards as well as sent some *pics* to each other. I was pissed buuuuut already had some petty revenge planned.
He said the classic shit like “I can be better, I never meant to hurt you” “I’m so sorry, you’ve been nothing but good to me” and the infamous “I can change.” I had been waiting for that so I said “prove it, come on my hike with me tomorrow. Show me that you can change your ways and do something I like for once.” I’m fairly manipulative, oops. I’ve been trying to hit a 14er (14,000ft+ mountain for those who don’t live in Colorado) a weekend since the season started and have been fairly successful only missing one week. I had been planning to finally do Long’s Peak but he would definitely not have made it to the top so we did an easier one instead.
Hiking up he was a bitch and we stopped about every thirty minutes for him making it a very boring 8 hour trip to the top. He was definitely trying to be nicer and sweeter than he has been but it was kind of just pathetic at that point, I already knew I’d never take back a cheater. When we got to the top he sat down immediately and drank the rest of his water despite me warning him he’d definitely need it for the hike down. I took some obligatory pictures since this was still one I’d never done before then gave him a kiss because goddamn those lips still and said “we’re officially over :)” then turned to start my jog down. He was exhausted and couldn’t keep up for long once we hit the trail again but he was saying a buncha stuff that I mostly tuned out but I heard him say “slow down you’re just gonna have to wait in the car, bitch” to which I said “just call a friend, or better yet your ex.” I’m writing this in the car right now and since I don’t have the reception hopefully it’ll reach reddit while I go home. It was a pretty long hike so I doubt he’ll be home for a while (he does have reception and there’s a water fountain at the trailhead, I made sure, I’m not too much of an asshole). Idk how things will turn out when he comes to get his stuff and where he’ll go after but I might update this if anything interesting happens. I’m really happy despite everything.
&#x200B;
***UPDATE*** (was added in the original post)
I wasn’t going do this for a while until all of his stuff is moved out but I would love to address all of the comments concerned on his health and the whole “kicking him out situation.” People will probably be disappointed with this as it’s not that interesting and I didn’t add to the revenge at all but this is apparently necessary.
To all the people posting hiking horror stories and calling me psychotic, a little background on my ex: he grew up in Canada with an extremely outdoorsy family who loves to camp, taught him basic survival, and also forced him on hikes as a kid. We have both camped together and snowboarded together. I ensured his pack would be enough should he get lost. He had a survival beacon that I use for backcountry skiing, paracord, a knife, compass, first aid kit, emergency blanket, whistle, bear spray, flash light, ferro rod, like 3 or 4 cliff bars left, proper layered clothing and probably other stuff I’m forgetting that I shoved in there. He is no dumbass to the wilderness and can follow a trail that was extremely, at least to me, heavily trafficked yesterday.
He got dropped off by his friend and sure enough did not feel like moving all his shit out which was fine, it was a long day. He slept on the couch and I got everything of his out of *my* room last night. I was going to help out downstairs with getting all the little things of his since he’s pretty moved in but his ex showed up to help him pack so now I’m just in my room writing this.
We talked a little bit last night because I was curious about everything. He was extremely pissed but I think too tired to take it out (yelling not physical). He said he stayed a ways behind a large group and kept their pace til he got to tree line, then lost them. He thinks it took him about 5hrs to get down but he’s kinda terrible at time estimates so coulda been shorter or longer. For those concerned about him having daylight left, people start 14ers way early in the morning, if they’re not running up them, and we particularly started around 4:30 am, summited around 12:15 and he had plenty of time to get out before nightfall. Additionally, I’m not sure when it posted because it was my first and only post and I didn’t get any notification thing that it ever went up while I was driving or when I was home, I woke up to all these comments. He’s moving in with his ex and mentioned nothing about me *illegally* kicking him out which I doubt he is concerned about. Yeah he gets mail here but I don’t think he would consider he has a legal case (if he even does). All in all things went well and I’ll never forget the look on his face at the summit.
Mount Elbert for those asking | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptaoww/i_left_my_cheating_ex_on_the_top_of_a_mountain/ | ptaoww | 7,770 | 628 | [
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2021-09-22T17:01:21 | Victim is expelled from religious school instead of being offered love and support. | r/entitledparents | TW: >!Rape, Incest, Mental Health, Substance Abuse!<
OP by [u/Warrior\_White/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Warrior_White/) on [r/entitledparents/](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/)
&#x200B;
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/mr6wr0/entitled_parents_get_rape_victim_expelled_from/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Long time reddit reader: first time posting in r/entitledparents. TL;DR at bottom.
Background: I went to a very small, religious high school (graduating class less than 20 people) It was so small it didn’t even actually have a campus. It used double wides with pop up walls as classrooms. The education was actually pretty good. The classes were small enough the teachers could give people individual attention. And parents paid a premium to make sure their children were getting a proper, religious-based education. (Science classes didn’t teach evolution, church on Wednesdays, Bible class was a mandatory, ect... ) the majority of the church/school were wonderful people; so it was a great community.... most of the time....
Also: I’m not here to start a debate about whether abortion is good/bad. I believe the decision is entirely up to the person. As you never know the situation that lead them to choosing. Please keep an open mind. (The reasons will become apparent later)
To the story:
My freshman year of high school, I made friends with a fellow artistic type; who shared most of my classes. I’m gonna call her “Candy”.
Candy and I got along swimmingly. She shared a lot of my beliefs. We could talk to each other openly. We also liked a lot of the same movies/books/artwork. So needless to say: if I had a class with her, we were practically glued together.
One day, around March, I noticed Candy wasn’t in school. First she was gone a few days. Then it turned into weeks, and then months… The school year ended; and I had no idea what had happened to her (this was a time before cell phones were very popular. And I didn’t know her home number, to keep in contact.) None of the teachers knew anything. A few just told me “oh her mother took her out of school” with no further explanation.
Next Year (my sophomore year) in the middle of November classes, she returned! She just appeared at school early morning and started going back to classes. I didn’t have any classes together with her this year; and it took a while before I caught her between classes to catch up.
I noticed right away that she seemed completely different. Her bright, bubbly, spirit was gone. She looked sick and very pale. She wasn’t wearing make up and she no longer took the time to do her hair in braids anymore.
I asked her where she had been. What had happened to her last year? Why did she dropped out of school? Why didn’t you start this year in September with the rest of us? Are you sick?
She didn’t really seem up to talking. She just mumbled an excuse: “ my family was going through some stuff and my mom thought it was best to take me out of school”
For the next several weeks, we only ever talked during lunch. And I use the term “talked” loosely. She wouldn’t talk about her absence. If I asked her if she had seen the latest popular movies she would say “I don’t really watch movies anymore“ or “I’m not really that interested.” Candy had become a completely different person. I decided to give her some space.
One day, after winter break; I was staying late after school to finish an art project. The art room was used as a kind of after school study hall. I heard the door open. I turned around and there was Candy. She had been crying! Her eyes were red and puffy. She said between sobs “do you mind if I sob hang out in here while I sob wait for my mom to come pick me up?” I immediately abandon my work and went over to console her. She broke down almost immediately. After about 15 minutes of crying and hugs she finally opened up to me.
It turns out; the reason she had been gone is because she had gotten pregnant. Even worse… The father of her baby was her own FATHER!
Apparently she had been the victim of sexual abuse from her biological father for several years. When she realized he had gotten her pregnant she finally spoke up to her mother. Her mother had immediately taken her out of school, and moved to another state to stay with family. They called the police. Her dad got arrested and pled guilty right away. He knew he had no argument. The DNA of the baby proved her story.
Shortly after her dad’s arrest, she had gone to a clinic and had an abortion. This was something that our churches’ religion strictly forbid. But she told me “I couldn’t stand the idea of possibly giving birth to an inbred baby and having him suffer.”
She had gone through hell and back. I was beyond shocked! I continued comforting her as best I could. After a long talk; she seemed better. She apologized for giving me the could shoulder when she came back. Apparently one of the conditions of her returning to our school was she couldn’t talk about the abortion. The church who ran the school wouldn’t condone her choice to abort rather than adopt out her baby.
She may not have been talking about it. But someone working for the school/church sure had. Apparently someone had told one the mothers of a fellow student; and he had been accusing Candy of “murdering her baby” during class today. They had brought her to tears and she went to the principle’s office to calm down. The guidance counselor had basically told her “you should cry. You murdered an innocent life. God is going to punish you” she had decided to wait for her mother in the study hall to get away from the office staff and their accusations.
Her mother picked her up shortly after our talk concluded. She hugged her daughter and tried to reassure her. She put her daughter in the car then walked back toward the office to “give those teachers a price of my mind!”
I wish I could have been there to hear her tear them a new one. I must have been an epic yelling match; because, the next day, Candy wasn’t in school. She never came back; and I never heard from her again
That Wednesday, during chapel, the principal made an announcement: “some of you may have heard rumors that a fellow student at the school has been engaging in some unchristian behavior and had made some poor life decisions...including the sin of abortion” (everyone knew who he was talking about. Small school and the rumor mill was powerful) He explained the church had agreed to let her return to school to help her regain her life and education. They said God would forgive her sin if she confessed and felt contrition for her decision. But: she had refused to say she had done any wrong. Apparently, several parents of students had been complaining to the school staff that Candy’s lack of guilt over her abortion was a “bad influence” on the other students. They were worried she would encourage other young lady’s to make “ungodly choices”.
As a result: the principal had asked Candy to leave the school.
They expelled a teen girl from school: because she had aborted her inbred rape baby.... and they had tried to guilt her by calling her a murderer and saying she’d corrupt the other girls...
Several students were in an uproar over the way the school had treated Candy. I spoke to my parents that night, hoping they would back me up. Even THEY said Candy had made the wrong choice and deserved the consequences that came with her “bad choices”. Several friends said their parents had been less than supportive too.
I couldn’t fathom the contempt they showed Candy following one of the worst possible things that could happen to a young girl. She was betrayed by her father, her community, and her faith. I never heard from Candy again.
Candy, I hope, wherever you are, that you are well and know you know you are loved.
Edit: For those asking if I’ve been in contact with Candy: no. I haven’t seen her since she left. I have recently passed this post on to a few former members of our student council. I’m hoping together we can try and track her down. I don’t want to invade her privacy; but I do want to make sure that she’s doing OK. If we find her I will update and let everyone know.
Edit 2: Some have been asking if the church/school knew the whole story and that’s why they expelled her. Yes; they knew the whole story. Their view was that the baby was “gods blessing” a good thing coming from a nightmare of an experience... they just didn’t like that she chose to “murder” her baby instead of birth it and raise it or give it away for adoption. They were more upset that she felt no “remorse” for her choice to abort. The parents who were in an uproar about it were parents involved in school/church community or even church staff. And yes... that church and school are still there... and no; I’m will not name the church. And I no longer attend it or am involved in that sect of religion.
TL;DR: teen girl is raped by her father and fall pregnant; she aborts the pregnancy. Entitled parents convince school to expel her for being a “bad influence” on other students.
&#x200B;
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/nxe1q4/update_eps_get_rape_victim_expelled_from_school/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
This is an update to the above post. For those of you who do not want to read it. The basics are: candy was a girl I knew at an exclusively religious private school. Her biological father had been raping her. She got pregnant from the rape and made a very difficult decision to abort the baby. A few parents at church found out about Candy’s abortion, and they demanded the school kick her out for being a bad influence on the other girls. The school expelled her for feeling no remorse and violating the (religion) code
So. The update. Everyone…. I found Candy
It took a lot of legwork and some serious cooperation between two former teachers and the former senior class president. Thanks to social media, and a few emails, We were able to track down candy’s mother. She was willing to tell me what had happened to Candy after those events years ago.
I’m sad to say. Candy is no longer with us in this world.
Candy and her mother moved back across country about a year after they left the school. Candy was undergoing therapy and attending a public school and was doing ok for a while.
Apparently candy completed high school, but started struggling in college. She said she started seeing some major emotional changes in her daughter around that time.
Her mother said that at the age of 22 she rapidly developed a substance abuse problem. She said that when candy was 30 she overdosed on heroin. They did not find her in time to save her…..
I really wish there was a happier ending to this….. i’m grateful her mother was willing to speak to me and let me know what it happened to candy. I told her I had posted this story on Reddit. (I was a bit worried she would be upset) She was touched by all the comments and all the love and support for Candy.
She said she’s happy that the story is out there. So that if any other girl is suffering like her daughter did, they can know that they’re not alone.
In the quest for tracking her down, one of our former teachers and our Senior class president gave me some updates on some other activity I didn’t know that happened at the school.
Apparently (my former teacher told me this) two years after we graduated a young girl got pregnant her junior year. She hid the pregnancy until she was about 20 weeks along. The school forced her to drop out.
Also; my former class president knew a bad story too. One of my best friends at that school (I had known him through middle school and all of high school) Was apparently transgender. He was biologically born male but knew that he was a woman. He came out to a couple of the school counselors. Our religion strictly forbid behavior like this. They had told his mother they would only let him stay in school if he underwent extreme therapy and church mandated counseling… they agreed.
After graduation; he cut all contact with his family and moved across country to go to college. It was there that SHE undergoing the transition to finally become the woman that she knew she was. It took her YEARS To shake off the emotional and spiritual damage that school and his parents had inflicted on her. Apparently she still suffers with shame and. She still has no contact with her parents who denounced her the moment she got on hormone replacement therapy….
A lot of people were asking if the school ever got shut down… Sadly….The school is still standing and teaching to this day.
Several of our former students have formed a group for old and (newer students) of that school that feel that they were emotionally damaged by some of the extreme religious bigotry that was taught at that school. We’re going to try to support each other. We believe that love is the only way to overcome extreme hate like that.
Thank you readers of Reddit for all the support you showed Candy. Remember to “love thy neighbor”.
Blessings to all. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptbwt1/victim_is_expelled_from_religious_school_instead/ | ptbwt1 | 13,145 | 849 | [
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2021-09-22T17:04:47 | A nonprofit employee quits her second day in a new job because her coworker is a nightmare. She's unsure whether to tip off the board about Nightmare Coworker now that she's moved on. [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost from the AskAManager blog. I am not the OP. I am just pasting in someone else's story in keeping with the curation goals of this subreddit. Please note I didn't include the responses from Alison Green in this post, but they're worth reading, if you follow the links.*
*Tone of post:* >!Nothing distressing, just odd and a bit frustrating for OOP!<
[Original post: "should I explain I quit on my second day because my coworker was overwhelmingly difficult?"](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/09/should-i-explain-i-quit-on-my-second-day-because-my-coworker-was-overwhelmingly-difficult.html)
I quit a job three months ago and I keep running into the board members who hired me. I lied about why I quit because it was such an insane reason I didn’t know what to do. My boyfriend says I should have been honest, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
I got laid off during the pandemic and was finally able to find part-time work at a community arts center run by a local art nonprofit. It was only 20 hours a week, but it was a great opportunity in a field I love to help provide some fun and joy. I was so excited.
This is where things went bad. I met with “Amy,” the woman who was supposed to train me and be my coworker. It was raining my first day and there were a few rumbles of thunder in the distance. Amy (who I had never met before) greets me at the locked office door and, terrified, asks me through the mail slot, “Did a plane crash into the building?!?”
No. It was thunder.
Things only went downhill from there. Amy and I were the only people there and my training was only four hours. I got home and immediately had to lay down. Being with Amy for four hours was actual torture. She didn’t show me how to do anything or talk about the job, it was just The Amy Show: I am now privy to her entire medical history, which included three incredibly personal and traumatizing situations that she described in graphic detail. I know too much about her sex life, reproductive health, her childhood, her marriage, and more. After a few attempts to get her on track by asking work-related questions, I gave up.
When she lost steam on her personal life, she cataloged every perceived insult, slight, and personal tussle she’d had with the nonprofit that ran the gallery, every visiting artist and instructor she hated, and why. And that was literally just the first hour. When she finally did start training me, she showed me how to turn the lights on — just regular labeled switches — for 45 minutes.
She spent another hour telling me how hard it was to operate the point of sale software, which didn’t look hard to operate at all when I finally got a look at it. When she did interact with the only customer we had that day, she was so awful and oversharing that the customer and I both got another performance, this time of why Amy’s son is in prison. The customer left, very bewildered, and I was dying of embarrassment.
I decided to stick it out and go to my next day’s training with a plan to keep Amy on track and deflect her over-sharing.
Reader, it did not work. I’m not good with oversharing and I get overwhelmed really fast with emotional labor. I didn’t think Amy could possibly top what she told me the day before but holy crap. I had to call my roommate to come to get me because by the end of my shift I was having panic attack symptoms. When I got home, I made an emergency appointment to see a therapist for the first time in over a year. After speaking to my therapist, partner, and my friends, I emailed the board of directors and quit, making up a story about a family emergency.
That was back in June. I keep running into members of the nonprofit board at my new job (yay!) because two of their spouses work in my department. The board members aren’t professionally affiliated with my new job at all, I just happen to work with their spouses. It’s a small city. They’ve been really sweet but keep asking me for details about why I left, one of them even asked pointed questions about how I got along with Amy. Should I have been honest that working with Amy was so uncomfortable and upsetting that I couldn’t even finish out my first week? I want to have empathy for her but it was like being held hostage.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/09/update-should-i-explain-i-quit-on-my-second-day-because-my-coworker-was-overwhelmingly-difficult.html)
After I read your response, I promised myself I’d say something if I saw one of the board members. Didn’t have to wait long because I seem to be bumping into them everywhere (two of their spouses work with me). After talking with two separate board members, I have a huge amount of gratitude for the bullet I dodged.
First, I bumped into the woman who conducted my interview, we’ll call her Board Member 1. Board Member 1 is in her 60s. We spoke briefly and I think I know why Amy gets away with stuff. (For reference since I didn’t offer it at first, I’m in my late 20s, Amy is in her late 50s.)
I walked Board Member 1 through Amy’s greatest hits, including sharing negative stories about the board and instructors, the light switch thing, and her godawful customer service. I told her about Amy’s oversharing without relaying details, but that the content was inappropriate and made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. She immediately sang Amy’s praises and said that Amy had told the board I refused to pay attention and was on my phone the whole time. Board Member 1 then went into a tangent about my generation being lazy and not wanting to work hard and always needing safe spaces. I was speechless.
After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I thanked my lucky stars that I had enough self-preservation skills to get the hell out of there.
I also ran into the younger board member who asked me about Amy’s behavior. We’ll call him Board Member 2, who is much closer to my age. I spilled all the tea and left nothing out, including my panic attack and the conversation with Board Member 1. Nothing I said shocked him but he was obviously upset. He said I lasted longer than the previous employee, who walked out after an hour. I don’t think I have a big enough yikes for that, and I’m also not thrilled that they all had an inkling Amy was like this and just let me go into the apeshit ball pit with no support. He asked me to write up my experience with Amy, including my conversation with Board Member 1 and whatever I was comfortable sharing regarding my reasons for leaving, and send it to him for next month’s board meeting. At least I don’t feel like diving under a rock when I see the other board members.
Mystery solved. Good riddance. I have a better new job that doesn’t give me panic attacks. I do have half a mind to send the board my therapy copays for reimbursement though. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptbzju/a_nonprofit_employee_quits_her_second_day_in_a/ | ptbzju | 6,816 | 1,298 | [
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2021-09-22T18:02:55 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptd88z/deleted_by_user/ | ptd88z | 9 | 531 | [
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2021-09-23T15:11:39 | AITA for wanting a new dress? | AITA | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mpx4tt/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_dress/) *is by* [u/Next-Psychology-162](https://www.reddit.com/user/Next-Psychology-162/)
I'll keep it as short as possible.
Recently, my cousin got engaged and is planning to wed next month. He gave our family money to buy dress for the wedding. Let's say it's around 600 dollars to split up against 5 family members.
My sister (21F) bought two expensive dresses for the wedding . She said she initially planned to buy one but somehow ended up buying two as she really liked both. My brother (14M) got himself a really good suit ( not expensive as my sister's but still pretty good) My parents also got themselves nice dresses and I (19F) was the last one . Turns out every single dollar is spent.
Before you ask , why I didn't buy soon , I thought we'll all together but my sister and brother went shopping one day ( I had an internship that day ) My parents also went after that.
When I asked about it, my parents just told me to borrow one of my sister's old dress . I simply refused and asked them to buy me a new one . Then they told me if I buy new expensive dress instead of wearing my sister's , I won't be probably buying clothes for next couple of months ,which I can't because I'll be needing casual clothes for wearing at home and for going out .
Let me tell you what , being a middle child sucks. All my life , I've been either using my sister's or buying the cheap ones compared to my sister.( Not just clothes , literally everything) . Even my college fund was used for my sister, just because I was able to secure a 95% scholarship( I'm a really good student). They did ask me before taking the Money out , I said okay because it happens every time. All the money they've saved for me or they gave me has been taken back by parents or sister and only paid back a little so far.
So AITA?
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mrt5gn/update_aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_dress/)
Thank you so much for all your opinions. It was really helpful. As many of you were saying, I've decided to stand up for myself and I'm not going to accept this kind of treatment anymore. Back to story, I called my cousin and told him about what happened. He understood the situation and called my parents. With my mom asking about the wedding plans , he casually mentioned that he saw a cute dress which will suit me and that I haven't bought any dress yet , I should buy that one. So he asked for the refund of my share . My mom tried to manage the situation by saying that I already have one but he was firm in buying the one he saw. ( This was all made up by my cousin to ask the money in a non- hurtful or non-suspicious way ) .
Eventually, my parents transferred my share of money to him.( No, my sister didn't return her dress) He mentioned that he's going to take me out next weekend for shopping as well as dinner with his fiancée.( They offered and I declined. But they insisted saying it's not a big deal, they're both so sweet.) Somehow , my sister ended up hearing this. She came to me saying that she will come along and that it's unfair I'm the only one going out with them.( She didn't talk much or formed a nice convo when we first met his fiancée, so they didn't invite her ).
I replied " Maybe you should've been a little more nicer instead of acting like a spoiled brat And you finished your shopping already so you literally have no right to come along. So stop being so entitled and suck it up . They don't want you to come" which pissed my sister off. My parents didn't take her side this time and remained silent which even more pissed her. Gosh , I loved the look on her face when she walked out . She was really frustrated and was on verge of tears . But I don't feel guilty . Infact, I've never felt any better lollllllllll.
Edit : 1. I'd like to add one thing that my parents didn't cut my casual clothes budget (Thankfully) 2. Many of you were concerned about the dress. So I took your advice and to be on safe side , I'll ask my cousin if he's okay with keeping the dress ( Most probably he'll say yes, so no worries) 3. Finally, I'd like to thank every one of you for supporting me. I went through all your comments and I felt happy reading that. It means a lot to me. 4. I came across a comment saying funny things and it got the most downvote I've ever seen lol. I feel like I don't want to explain myself to them as most of you stood up for me. I'm laughing so hard at the (roasted) replies. So , thanks once again for that. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptxc3j/aita_for_wanting_a_new_dress/ | ptxc3j | 4,634 | 950 | [
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2021-09-23T16:03:50 | Meta: Can we start vetting for fake posts? | META | I love this sub and the stories on this sub really make my day. But there have been recent posts that are not only blatant creative writing, but you can actually prove they are fake. Just take the one from yesterday where a woman broke up with her boyfriend by ditching him on a mountain a year ago, but then somehow broke up with her boyfriend of two years just a couple of days ago? Even if they were the same guy and they got back together, he somehow went from 22 to 26 in one year?
Maybe we could just add a flair that says "possibly fake". That way the posts can still be posted, but we have a warning that the story is most likely creative writing. I know many people hate it on Reddit when others keep screaming "FAKE!!" on every post, but some of these are straight up ridiculous. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ptyfaj/meta_can_we_start_vetting_for_fake_posts/ | ptyfaj | 791 | 587 | [
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2021-09-23T17:29:09 | Me [28M] with my flatmate [28F] that is always two meters away from me | Relationships | This is a repost. Original by u/UmbertoEquo
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5xyoms/me_28_m_with_my_flatmate_28_f_that_is_always_two/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I'm a 28 M WebDeveloper. 3 years ago i met a stunning, same age, female Punk WebDeveloper.
In the first months i tried to invite her to several concerts, but when she finally accepted the date his body language communicated absolute "coldness" to me. It was all the time several meters away from me, I couldn't hug her or touch her in general. After several concerts I decided to give up, and at the end we become friends.
In 3 years she never talked to me about a boyfriend or someone that she likes.
6 months ago i left the nation where i lived and i have moved somewhere in europe. After 2 months, out of the blue, she moved in the same city and we started to live together as flatmate. In the last 4 month she was absolutely cold with me.. For example sometimes we look films together in the living room and she prefers to sit on a office chair rather than divide the couch with me.
The last weekend we was in a tekno club and We had this conversation:
SHE - Are you hitting with the red hair girl?
ME - yes, but i think that is too hot for me.
S - Yep, she's beauty. But never give up! Don't do like me.. I don't believe enough in me ..
M - yes and it's really stupid. Every Single Man that we met after a while add me on facebook to ask me if we stay together. If you wanted you would have a lot of success with men. After all, I also had a crush for you years ago.
H - really? i never noticed that. Why you didn't kissed me?
M - Because your body language was a big NO-NO.
H - I want a man who slam me against a wall and kisses me.
M - Are you telling me I should kick you in bed?
She smiles at me and goes in another room of the club
It's been two days, two times I approached her and she continues to walk away .. to cross their arms and stuff like that. How can I get close to someone who seems to want me away?
TL;DR i share a flat with a girl that wants me make the first move but stay always two meters away from me. What to do?
[An update 4 years later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/ptsh6n/32_m_an_update_4_years_later/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Hi,
I wrote a post in this subreddit 4 years ago /r/relationships/comments/5xyoms/me_28_m_with_my_flatmate_28_f_that_is_always_two/
I would like to update all the people ( probably 3 ) that were waiting for an happy ending.
She finds out that she is lesbian, she is gonna get married this Friday, I'm not invited to the marriage.
TLDR: Sometimes we should not try to overanalyze. We could be not compatible for reasons that we don't know. | ellebeam | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pu08qn/me_28m_with_my_flatmate_28f_that_is_always_two/ | pu08qn | 2,769 | 752 | [
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2021-09-24T00:08:43 | OP wants to know if he was wrong following argument with abusive wife. | AITA | This was originally posted in r/AITA by u/CompetitiveSuccess52
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pqnwdh/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_was_done_with_her/
I'm a father of two girls and one boy, with my high school sweetheart. We recently moved into a new home in a comfortable area. I work five to six days a week 8 hours a day, while she works part time and is homemaker most of the time. I bring in most of the house income, but she makes a fair amount too and we share basic household duties.
I handle the handiwork around our new house. Plumbing, gas installation, electrics, you name it. I don't complain, but my wife.... I either don't do the work for the house in the time that it should be done, or I do it incorrectly (I don't). I drilled down two clothesline poles and attach the clotheslines recently, she says I'm so dumb and that I could have just drilled holes in the wall for the clothesline brackets and mounted the fold-down assembly there, and that I wasted time installing poles. There's no difference either way, and I tell her this. It's going to hold clothing.
Things like that, calling me a waste of time or incompetent. Even comparing me unfavorably as a spouse to other men (in particular, I've been getting worried about her friendship with a married man who I'll call "J", and who she compares me with alot).
To reply to a complaint she once had about me, I said why don't you do the handiwork around the house, and I'll take over your role as homemaker in addition to my current standing as the breadwinner (passive-aggressive from me, I know), and she says at least as a homemaker she keeps us (me and the children) afloat, fed and the house clean, while my handiwork is often flawed and we'd be better off calling professional plumbers etc. To be clear, none of my work, at any stage, has been flawed. I know what I'm doing. I work as a builder and you pick up these skills along the way. So I tell her she's wrong but she continues to critique.
I haven't pushed back until she made a real hurtful comment when I was doing some gardening work. She said that her friend J's the one she'd prefer to be married to, and the kids would like him better because he is more helpful and sweeter. I finally snapped and yelled at her to shut her mouth. And I said I was done, I was leaving her if she hated me so much, or better yet, I'd be sending her to J so she can finally be happy for once. I then said that if she didn't agree with that, she'd better shut the fuck up about the work I'd do because she definitely won't do it, and it helps the house, just as her maintaining the cooking/cleaning etc does.
She was quiet at that and started crying, and ignored me when I tried to apologize to her for snapping at her and make up. Some afternoons later, I get confronted by my in-laws, her brother and a married woman she's friends with, grilling me and calling me an idiot for disrespecting her, and telling me to apologize for disrespecting her. I'm sorry but I wasn't going to apologize for defending myself for once. And I let them know. Now my wife, her family and her close friend (friends?) all hate me it seems. AITA?
*OP's comments*
(1.) Replying in general to your comment, I am hoping she can change her ways, and about her wanting to be married to someone else, it seems that I got the wrong idea by suggesting that between-the-lines when I snapped at her, and that she does indeed love me more than anyone else (her dad's words).
I know she loves me deep down, and I love her, so much. And deep down I get that she says these things to make me do better but there comes a point when it becomes too much and we have to be apart for the both of us to grow as people, and treat each other with respect.
(2.) It is abusive?
She doesn't lay hands on me, and she doesn't outright call me names. I thought that abuse mostly constituted physical contact or mental/emotional insults. The things she says hurt but they are mostly sarcastic comments.
(3.) I have suggested counselling to her in the past but she denies that we need any. She just says that what I do for he outside of the house work is amazing anyway (like the income, when I get the chance to cook lunches/dinners for everyone, our relationship/marriage in general etc) but she says I suck when it comes to our new home's maintenance.
(4.) J and my wife just met when we moved in to the neighborhood, 6/7 months ago. He's a house-husband and is generally seen as a saint by everyone. I don't think they'd be doing anything inappropriate, but I've been surprised by things much less important before. They mostly meet up and chat every once in awhile, in view of myself/his wife (who she is also good friends with) at all times. Their friendship is close but there are no signs of emotional intimacy.
If they really are meeting and hooking up, I'm a colossal idiot for having the signs right in front of me and ignoring them. But I don't believe they are, not enough time to.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/CompetitiveSuccess52/comments/prww2i/bad_update_to_aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_was/)
Hey there everyone.
Unfortunately, my deepest fear, a fear that no man, woman or person wants to have come true, was true. I made a post on AITA nearly 2 days ago now, which was removed but you can check it out here.
A big part of the response to the post was that I was being too gutless in letting a woman treat me like this. I see now that most of you, particularly men who have been in this type of situation, were completely right.
I just had a bombshell dropped on me yesterday (?, not sure, too spaced out at this point), that most of you in the comments of that post warned me about. Yeah, J and my STBXW were indeed having a full blown affair for nearly 7 months now. Couple days ago, around 11pm, my stomach was turning as I slept. I had bad dreams that my wife was yelling at me, my kids were yelling at me, my parents, my family, everyone that I knew, that I was a "failure". A part of the dream that sticks out was the fact that J, himself was there, taunting me that he banged my wife. Sounds corny as all hell, but you guys planted the seed of truth in my mind. I mean, if I didn't receive all those comments agreeing about the situation with that piece of shit and my so-called love-of-my-life, that they were at least emotionally involved, I would have allowed myself to coast on by without an inkling that they were having sex 2-3 times a week for over half a year now, and calling myself, and J's poor wife (who I have notified about the situation) the most awful derogatory names, and belittling us as partners (I'm definitely not lacking in that area but that's an aside).
So yeah, I woke up at eleven, saw my STBXW's phone just laying on the kitchen stand, charging. Naïve girl didn't even put a lock on her phone. How the fuck did she get on by with her bf for 7 months without me noticing this shit? I don't even know. I'm a dumb-fuck I guess. Regardless, once I dropped the kids off to their friends after breakfast the next morning (girls to their friends, son to his pal, wife was aware of this but wasn't aware of our pending argument), I confronted her after I returned home. Shit's a fucking blur afterwards. I guess I saved screenshots of all the graphic messages on my phone and showed her them (and threw my phone with the screenshots open at her, and shouted at her). All I remember is a slew of "I'm sorry", "it was a stupid, selfish mistake", "you're the best I ever had" (lol, not what you were telling J now is it?), "please don't leave me, I realize now how much I love you, you're the most special thing in the world to me" fucking blah blah blah, shit like that. Yeah, it was a blur but I could still hear and filter out bullshit.
I pretty much let everyone know. I let her family know, I let her vapid fucking girlfriend know. I told them what a treat she is. They're all shocked and are spamming my STBXW's phone with inquiries, and my phone too. I'm not going to answer them, I'll leave it to her to see if she can for once not lie to her own family, hopefully she can clear that very low bar.
I let J's wife know too. She simply said "thank you" when I messaged her the messages they exchanged. She had a suspicion for awhile now. I hate to use a disgusting r/adultery term, but "OPSEC" isn't exactly his or my wife's specialty (please, betrayed husbands/wives, don't browse the sub I just linked, if you do, it might scar you like it did me. How the fuck can people be like that). They just screwed like bunnies. At his place, my place (not our bed, somehow she had morals and wouldn't allow that, the couch and the seats in the basement though...), motels and yeah. Little scum sucker she chose for a lover looks like if Danny DeVito morphed into an androgynous Shrek clone with his freaking blonde fade hair. Makes Tilda Swinton roll over in bed with how ridiculous he looks. I don't know what she saw in the fucker, but it must have been something real appealing. Let's not even get into how small his shit is (yep, I had to see that too but not by choice, my stbx couldn't even have the decency to delete messages as I scrolled up and up on her message log).
Anyways. My soon-to-be-ex-bitch has continued her sob-fest even past the kids being picked up home, and they're worried about us too. I am not going to let them know about what their mother did, I'm not going to ruin their image of her. Once they're grown and can tolerate X-rated stuff, they'll get the details, but if and only if they ask me why we're not together. The stbx can spew all types of shit but the good thing about our girls and boy is that they all share one great trait - a reasoned mind in the face of a shitfest. They're so young and I'm eternally proud of them and it brings so much pain that their mother and I will have to live apart, like enemies. But this is the path we have to go through. Another sad thing? Deep down I still love their mother, sad enough. But right now all that I can feel is intense hatred). But they will be aware that "daddy and mommy aren't going to be together, sweethearts". Shit like that. I really don't know anymore people.
Funny thing is, despite all this, somehow my wife's libido has skyrocketed. I haven't dared go near her, and apparently the last time they hooked up was around the middle August (her words, and the timeline matches up). But she keeps trying to initiate intimacy despite me saying that I don't want to go near her or for her to even breathe on me. This undoubtedly causes her to burst into tears and she repeatedly says she didn't cheat for sex (bullshit, you literally didn't even go on a single proper "date" with your bf, so what was it then ???), as I give her all that she needs in every area and more. She cheated because she was "broken and doubting our love". That may or may not be true, but I'm not sticking around to find out.
I'm not a violent man, I have the capacity for it (I'm a big guy who has fought before let's just say) but violence is never on my mind. But I strongly considered going over to the POS's house and beating him to within an inch of his life. I literally drove over there after I dropped our children off and stared at his home, waiting for him to come out. I was on the verge of breaking. But luckily, I got it together and got back home.
I don't know what else I can vent about here. But I'll just end on this. Gentlemen, as much as women say they want a kindhearted guy (which is absolutely true, I haven't lost perspective of that), they definitely don't want to be partnered to a weakling. They want someone to complement them in their femininity (which isn't a bad thing don't get me wrong) with their own masculinity, and part of that means not taking any of their bullshit when they try throw it at you, and resolving problems between the two of you with absolute resolve, instead of lazing around hoping that the two of you will fall back in love. I wish I realized this earlier. Because for these past months, I was an absolute weakling.
And maybe, things would have been different between my stbx and I, maybe she wouldn't have thought another man's dick and months of criticism of myself as a man was a good route to go. Because y'all were right. I was too lenient with her. I was too much of a "nice guy". And I got burned. I might not reply to comments or I might, too spaced out and angry to right now. Divorce is nearly definitely happening. But maybe I will later on change my mind if she shows some semblance of proper remorse and not Meryl Streep level crocodile tears.
Thanks all. | rajwebber | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pu846p/op_wants_to_know_if_he_was_wrong_following/ | pu846p | 12,654 | 695 | [
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2021-09-24T05:03:16 | OP discovers that her sister's boyfriend was in a relationship with their mother before she passed 14 years ago. (long) | Relationship_Advice | This is a >!sad update!<
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p4bjkc/i16f_found_out_that_my_sister_22f_is_dating_a_guy/) by [u/ThrowRAconfsis](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAconfsis/)
**I(16F) found out that my sister (22F) is dating a guy (37M) who was in some sort of relationship with our mom before she passed 14 years ago, we always just thought they were close friends. Do I tell her??**
Hi everyone I’m sorry if this is confusing or not formatted right I’m in a rush and on mobile!
I’m 16F I live with my aunt in Colorado, I have a sister who is 22F. We grew up in New York with our mom, never knew our dad. My mom passed when I was only two in a car accident, that’s when we moved to Colorado but a lot of people from my moms life still kept in contact with the family, one of these people was “Jared” who our aunt always told us had been close friends with my mom.
When my sister was 17 her and my aunts then-husband had a huge explosive fight and she left, she went back to NY and told us Jared had agreed to let her rent a room from him, two years later they told us they were dating which we all thought was super weird but at that point my aunt was having in the middle of her divorce and it was getting really nasty with custody of their kids and since my sister was all the way in NY even though she told her she thought it was odd, my sister told her she was happy and she loved him and he treated her well, we knew nothing had been going on before then because my sister had been dating this girl for about a year before she started dating Jared.
So fast forward to now and my aunt is getting ready to move out of this house because she can’t afford the payments on her own so we had to empty out the basement and she gave me all of my moms stuff that had been buried down there to go through. There were all kinds of pictures and letters and journals and even though it was cool to see that side of my mom there was also A LOT of stuff that was TBI and I actually found letters from my sisters now boyfriend to my mom from when he was deployed, really romantic stuff, saying stuff that would suggest they were dating or at the very least had “been” together more than once, these letters are literally up until a week before the accident, one of them was still unopened bc I guess it had arrived after she had died.
Do I tell my sister?? She does finally seem the happiest she’s ever been. I don’t know what to do.
Tl;dr: going through my moms stuff I found letters from my sisters now boyfriend that suggest they had a romantic relationship before she died. Do I tell my sister??
&#x200B;
[UPDATE 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p50pct/i_16f_texted_my_sister_22f_pictures_of_the/)
Hi everyone my first post is up there, for a summary my aunt is moving out of her house and found a lot of my moms old stuff, in it I found letters from my sister (22f)’s current boyfriend (37M) to my mom, the letters were somewhat graphic and it was clear they had more than just a friendship relationship which is what we always thought.
So I ended up taking a few pics of the letters and texted it to my sister and said I found a whole bunch of them in Moms old stuff, that I could send her pics of the rest if she wanted, and that’s all I said bc I didn’t want her to think I was judging her or her relationship or anything.
A few minutes later I get a call from my sisters phone and I answer it but it’s not my sister it’s Jared and he was soo pissed off and it was kind of scary because I’ve always gotten along with Jared but he flipped out, he told me that I was trying to start drama and that those letters were from a long time ago and he didn’t know my mom had kept them and it was an invasion of his privacy for me to read them, he told me that I’d better throw them out and not tell my sister about it, that she’s happy and she’s finally recovering (my sister had a REALLY bad eating disorder up until recently, she was hospitalized a lot when she was a teenager) and gaining weight and telling her about this could stress her out and be triggering (it’s always a control thing when she feels like she’s not in control she always just stops eating and becomes obsessive over how her body looks) and he said she can’t be stressed out right now….I told him I thought she should know and he should be open about his past and he said it would do more harm than good to tell her, he said not to try to tell her again, he was really mad and it was pretty freaky.
So I guess I’m not going to tell her unless I can do it face to face? I think he might’ve already told her something about me though because she’s blocked me on literally everything, down to email.
I guess it’s not something she needs to know though. Especially because he’s right about how this might trigger her ed.
It sucks but. Thanks for all of the advice anyway.
&#x200B;
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p7g1hh/update_i_16f_texted_my_sister_22f_pictures_of_the/)
A lot has happened since I last posted. My first post is [here](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p4bjkc/i16f_found_out_that_my_sister_22f_is_dating_a_guy/) and my second post is [here](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p50pct/i_16f_texted_my_sister_22f_pictures_of_the/). The summary is that basically I (16F) had to go through all of my mom’s stuff because my aunt is getting a divorce and can’t stay at her house. My mom passed 14 years ago in a car accident. While I was going through her stuff I found romantic letters from my sister (22F)’s current boyfriend Jared (37M) wrote to my mom while she was still alive and he was deployed. We always thought that Jared and my mom were just friends, we had never known they dated and I thought my sister should know about it. When I texted her pictures of the letters Jared immediately called me on her phone and didn’t react well and told me to drop it.
After I posted the second post I felt really worried about my sister so I texted one of the people who used to live in NY who was friends with my mom but they had moved out of NY a while ago and said they had lost contact with Jared. I got freaked out after reading all of these comments and everything so I called the police department where my sister lives and told them I hadn’t heard from her and couldn’t contact her and was worried about her. Later on the cops called me and told me they had gone to her house and talked to her and she was okay.
I was basically just going to drop it because as long as she’s okay I really don’t want to stress her out or have Jared get mad at me again or anything. We’ve been going through a lot of personal stuff here too. My aunts almost ex-husband has been making a lot of drama and calling the house and making threats on social media about my aunt and stuff. He’s the reason why my sister went back to NY, he’s not a nice guy and is super creepy and abusive, my aunts already had to call the cops on him for driving over here drunk at like 3AM and pounding on the door, and my cousin (my aunts son) is supposed to be staying with his dad but is hanging out with a lot of bad people and goes off the MIA for days at a time, it’s a really bad situation all around.
So the next day after the wellness check I was in my room and someone rang the bell and my aunt answered AND IT WAS FUCKING JARED I wanted to jump out the window. I overheard my aunt being like Oh, what’re you doing here? And that he should’ve called first so she would’ve made something for him to eat…and he was just like its okay I’m only stopping by, I was in the area to see a client and Morgan had mentioned that Madison found some pictures and letters I had sent to Abigail while I was deployed and I’d love to see them, I honestly felt like sobbing at this point because I was so freaked out, he does have some buisness in Colorado but he was definitely lying about that. I had told my aunt everything that the letters had said before but I honestly don’t think she was listening to me or taking me seriously because she had just told me to drop it, idk maybe she just didn’t want drama because she’s dealing with so much crap with everything else, but she was like sure I’ll tell her to bring them down.
It didn’t really matter because I still have copies of the letters on my phone and laptop but walking down the stairs and giving him the letters was so terrifying my hands were literally shaking he was standing behind my aunt but I swear he looked like he wanted to punch me, my aunt had just gotten a phone call from a lawyer or something so she went to answer it and he like snatched the letters from me and told me to back the f\*\*k off, he was so pissed he definitely knew it was me who called the cops on him and then then he left he just like waved at my aunt because she was on the phone in the kitchen and then came over and gave me a really weird awkward hug and then just left.
I don’t know what else to do at this point so I’m going to wait until things with my aunt get less crazy and then I’ll talk to her about it again. I’ll answer any questions I’m still really freaked out by all of this so sorry if I explained it bad. Thanks everyone
&#x200B;
[UPDATE 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p7g1hh/update_i_16f_texted_my_sister_22f_pictures_of_the/)
Hi, I’ve been getting a lot of messages asking me if there are any updates so I figured I would fill everyone in on what’s happened.
In summary, I found romantic letters from my sisters boyfriend (37M) that he had written to our mom before she died (she was in her mid20s, him early 20s then). He has been dating my sister for three years, she moved in with him when she left my aunts house at 17. When I sent a pic of the letters to my sister (22F), he immediately called me from her phone and flipped out. I wasn’t able to contact her at all after that, and I was worried about her. I called the police in NY and they did a wellness check. After they said she was ok I was going to drop it. But the day after Jared came to our house, pissed off about the wellness check, and demanded I give the letters to him. I did, and I was really freaked out.
Like I said in my other post, we’ve been going through a lot here. My aunt and her soon to be ex are getting a divorce and it’s really nasty. They were fighting for custody of her kids. One of her sons would just leave for days at a time and we had a feeling he was hanging out with bad people and doing drugs and stuff. He overdosed and he’s in the hospital now, we’re not sure if he’s going to make it or not.
My aunt called my sister to let her know what’s going on with him. After she was done talking to her my sister asked to talk to me. I got on the phone with her and she said that Jared had told her that I was trying to cause problems, going through his personal things and coming up with lies about him. I told her that all I had done was find letters he had written to mom and tried to tell her about them.
She said that I had no right reading the letters he sent to his mom, that those were personal and I shoudve just given them to him without reading them. She also said that Jared had already told her about his past with our mother. He says that our mom emotionally manipulated him, that she was toxic and abusive to him, and that’s why he got so upset when he found out I had found the letters. She said our mom used him and taken advantage of him and that I needed to mind my own business, that she was happy and didn’t want me to meddle.
I don’t believe anything he said about my mom, the letters definitely didn’t make it seem like she was taking advantage of him or anything it seemed like he was super into her too. But either way there isn’t anything else I can do. She knows about the letters and I guess she’s okay with it and wants to believe what Jared is saying. She told me to mind my own business and I’m going to because at this point there isn’t anything else I can do and I need to focus on school and everything that’s going on here. | holalesamigos | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pucuun/op_discovers_that_her_sisters_boyfriend_was_in_a/ | pucuun | 12,148 | 823 | [
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2021-09-24T06:11:01 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pudso9/deleted_by_user/ | pudso9 | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-09-24T06:12:26 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pudtb8/deleted_by_user/ | pudtb8 | 9 | 671 | [
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2021-09-24T15:05:26 | AITA for telling my sister in law if Diwali is pagan, then so is Halloween + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/puejyy/aita_for_telling_my_sister_in_law_if_diwali_is/) by u/AITA_DiwaliHalloween
My (F36) brother (M32) lives in the US. We are from the South of India. He recently married my SIL (F31) there. She is a US citizen and catholic. We haven't met her in person till now. We were supposed to go their wedding in the USA last year when "that which must not be named" happened. They postponed their wedding to April of this year, but we couldn't go as we were under the full blast of the 2nd wave. Anyhow we urged them to go ahead with the wedding and we attended via zoom.
They have now planned to visit us in India from mid October to mid November. They will be staying in a hotel and attending family get togethers including my parents Diwali lunch (4th Nov) when they would be introduced to a large part of the extended family (all vax + tested)
Last week we were having a video call where my SIL told me she is super excited to celebrate Halloween with my Kids (F 7 and 5). I told her sure, we can plan a party with some friends and have some spooky themed stuff. She said, she wants to dress up and take my girls out for some Trick or Treat as auntie-niece time. I told her that here in India no one does that and people would have no clue why you are knocking on their door, let alone have chocolates or sweets ready. What I could do is, inform a few neighbours and friends, buy them sweets ahead and then take her+kids specifically to those houses. She got a bit irritated and told me to forget about it. I was a bit taken aback, but dropped it. I started asking about what she would like to wear for the Diwali lunch. Its an important festival for us and we believe in wearing new clothes that day. She said she'd wear the same dress she wore for her reception (a short white dress). I told her in India, white is worn by widows (though this is now outdated) and wearing new clothes is an important sentiment and we would like to get her something new (as a gift). Maybe an Indian Salwar or saree or if she is uncomfortable, a full length dress. She would meet a lot of elders in our family and we would like her to dress a bit conservatively as they would not be comfortable.
She totally blew up and told me that If I was going to be so pushy, she won't come to the Diwali lunch at all and if she can't dress up for Halloween then she won't dress up for a pagan thing and she said many other things which were rude about our culture. I was upset as I felt that I had done nothing to warrant such a reaction. I got angry and told her if Diwali was pagan, so was Halloween. She cut the call and hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently she complained to my mother, as mom called me and told me that she was our guest and we shouldn't insult her and told me to apologise. I feel bad and like an TA now. I don't want her first experience of our culture to be sour or ruin my parents' Diwali. Also I don't know much about US culture. So, AITA?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/puejyy/aita_for_telling_my_sister_in_law_if_diwali_is/)
I just got off the phone with my brother and then SIL. Apparently the villain here is my brother who has been teasing saying, if she wore a saree she would look like a mummy and would probably trip and fall (He got a huge earful for this) and has basically told her all scary things about how Indian aunties would judge her (Not true, they are a bit conservative but not intolerant). I then asked to speak to SIL and apologised if I sounded pushy. She has been very scared about the visit and was looking for something familiar to hold on to when she was talking about Halloween. She too apologised to me, saying she was excited about Diwali and sweets. She told me my mom had already spoken to her and explained to her why this important and she would love to wear a saree if we can show her how (Which I will). I told her we will have a Halloween party with neighbourhood kids, my kids and I and a few cousins will dress up with her so we can have fun together. Phew! Thanks to all internet strangers who were supportive as well as critical. The poor girl was just scared. I told her to let us know if ever we seemed pushy or obnoxious and we would not take it the wrong way. She told me she would. Idiot of a brother. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pulpal/aita_for_telling_my_sister_in_law_if_diwali_is/ | pulpal | 4,343 | 1,087 | [
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2021-09-24T15:51:49 | Client sent me nudes of her minor daughters , how do I handle that? | photography | This is a repost from r/photography.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/photography/comments/prcyx0/client_sent_me_nudes_of_her_minor_daughters_how/) posted by u/mouettefluo.
&#x200B;
Now that I have a decent portfolio, I’ve finally launched my website and started being active on all platform to push my business.
I’ve been contacted directly via my website for a possible gig. Nude family portrait mother-daughter. They sent me their mood board, which was of great taste and in a style I could totally deliver. Never done nudes before, but portrait, boudoir and family photo.
I feel confident I can deliver what they want. We’ve discussed pricing. Agreed to do it indoor. They evoqued wanting to do it at home so I’ll not charge for the studio rental. Which I’m not against but not totally confortable with.
A few times during our exchanges she asked if I wanted to see pictures of them. Which I didn’t acknowledge. At the end, when we agreed that we would keep in touch to plan for a prep meeting and confirm a deposit she said:
Don’t you want to see pictures of us?
I replied that I didn’t need that information unless one or more of them were bound to a wheelchair or similar that would need planning the logistics on my side.
She sent pictures anyway. They are pretty, they look alike very much. I said a nice comment about their eyes and said to reach out to me two months ahead of their desired shoot date.
Today, she replied to me with pics that her daughters took for another photographer (like polaroid) that they decided not to work with.
They were selfies of her nude daughters. They are both minor (15-17) and that’s when I started to feel uncomfortable. This is child porn. To the eyes of the law.
I know artsy people are more...okay with nudity so I don’t mind people being confortable being nude with their family for a photoshoot, all model release signed ahead.
How do I go from there. Do I just drop this potential client ? Is there a way to kindly explain to them how I feel about a mom (allegedly) sending her daughters nude?
Is this a scam or just an unusual family dynamics on display .
Advice greatly needed.
Edit : I'm a woman from Canada
Edit : as you all mostly suggested, I'll report this case to the appropriate autorities. I also signified to the mother that I was not confortable with the fact that she shared sensitive pictures with me, without me asking for it and that those picture were of underaged. I terminated everything.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/photography/comments/pucn03/update_potential_client_sent_me_nudes_of_her/) :
First of all I would like to thank everyone for their response on my previous post, to the exception of the ones who wanted me to send them the nudes. I sincerely hope you were just trolling.
I feel I need to update and give more background.
First of all I documented everything and went to see the police first thing in the morning. I gave them everything and told them what happened. The police officer was almost laughing seeing how pale and distressed I was. From what I understand they want to contact the mother and see what’s up. I received precise instructions regarding what was next for me. I feel relieved.
I searched for what is considered CP where I live and it’s not really clear. The police itself was not sure when I described what I saw.
Now a bit more context.
I’ve done modeling for years. I have seen many many (legal) nude photographs and I’m confortable with nudity in that context, even if I have never done nudes myself. Also, I have a previous experience of a father/daughter taking pictures of each other, sometimes naked. I was in their studio as a model. The daughter was displaying her nudes on her room’s wall as she was developing the negatives herself, she was probably 16-18 yo at the time. So yeah, at first, when the mother reached out to me, her request was totally in the realms of possible shooting gig in my head. I just never questioned it (but I should have).
She didn’t tell me her daughter were minors initially. Which is why I engaged into more details with her. A bit later she disclosed they were. And since CP is not something I think about often (like at all) my dense self didn’t think much of it (see previous life experience).
When she started being pushy about sending pictures I was weirded out but I honestly thought it came from a “I have low self esteems and maybe you don’t want to photograph me” kind of place.
At this point I was already telling myself that it was highly possible I would just bail on them. I just wanted to put her on hold and consult a lawyer to full proof a model release for nudity photoshoot.
The day after, out of the blue, she sends me those few attachments and the first few thumbnails I see are of what appears to be her daughter taking selfie of themselves in front of the mirror, naked.
I did not downloaded or opened the pictures, I did not see them all. It was just the automated preview feature on my email. Were the pictures sexual ? I don’t know. Again, the law is unclear.
In the moment, It was just a big wtf and I was like “ nope I think this may be wrong but maybe I’m just overreacting” .
Anyway I replied to the mother that her sharing those pictures was wrong and that I was terminating everything.
So yeah. I’ll probably never know if it was a set up for a scam, a simple hippie family dynamic or something more sinister.
On my end, I learned many valuable lessons in exchange of a few very stressful days.
&#x200B;
Reposter's edit: Not the most dramatic update, but I thought that this was an interesting situation. | MCDDYDADG | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pumlg9/client_sent_me_nudes_of_her_minor_daughters_how/ | pumlg9 | 5,650 | 570 | [
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2021-09-24T16:44:28 | OP's manager demands mandatory overtime for employees without children | childfree | [When being child free gets you extra 40 hours/week of work...](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/jf3a7y/when_being_child_free_gets_you_extra_40_hoursweek/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Originally posted by u/Throwaway_LIVID in r/childfreeTuesday*,*
*October 20th 2020*
I need a place to rant and I'm so grateful for having this sub. I'm also using a throwaway for privacy reasons as I'm about to throw shade.
Background: I work for a huge corporation and am a salaried employee (relevant later). My job is very project based and each employee works on their own projects most of the time.
Today, our department manager booked a team meeting to discuss "upcoming changes". Cool, no problem. At this meeting, we're presented with a memo outlining the changes in hours to be worked for November (possibly longer) as follows:
Mandatory 8-8 work days every day including Saturdays (Sundays possible if deemed neccessary) EXCEPT for team members who have children: their hours will remain 9-5 Monday-Friday.
Manager finishes going over this and asks "any questions?". YES I HAVE A QUESTION. IN WHAT WORLD DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE OK??? She explains that due to the situation in the last few months, "we've" fallen behind in projects as team members have to take care of their kids and work at the same time, so "we have to pick up the slack". Me again: Based on our status meeting yesterday, the team members without kids are all on track with their projects, with many of us consistently finishing days before our deadlines. So are you telling me that those of us who don't have kids have to work an additional 40 hours a week to complete projects for team members who won't even be helping finish the said projects??? She responds with "I'm struggling to understand why this is such a big issue for you". EXCUSE ME, WHAT? I ask my fellow child free team members if they're ok with this, all of them say NO. The ones with kids are completely silent of course. I tell her that it's absolutely insane that she thinks this is even close to being ok. She just blinks at me. Then I ask her if she will also be working these hours with us? Of course it's a NO, she has a child (a fucking 18 year old mind you)... I was ready to throw my laptop through the window at this point. She then just ends the meeting. I'M FUMING!
I regroup with my fellow child free team and we agree that this isn't about to happen. I email the manager right after to let her know that we will be requesting a meeting with HR and Legal department to discuss our employment contracts and hours we're being forced to work simply because we don't have kids. I know damn well that this is fucking insane and against all employment policies within the company.
She proceeds to call me and tell me there is no need to go to HR/Legal and we can resolve this "internally". BITCH NO WE CAN'T! You dismissed me and didn't even bother to listen to 12 other team members you plan to work to death without any sort of additional compensation. She then says "well you're salaried so there's no need for additional compensation"... If only I had the ability to choke her through the phone... I collect myself and tell her, in the most professional way I could muster, that we can discuss this with HR/Legal and I end the call.
I proceeded to book a meeting with my child free team, Manager, and HR/Legal for tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm downing a bottle of wine to calm myself. I might end up unemployed tomorrow, but I'm NOT letting this go. This is the hill I will die on!!! End rant.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/jfmth1/update_when_being_child_free_gets_you_extra_40/)
*Wednesday, October 21st, 2020*
Before I get into the good stuff, I need to say thank you to everyone who commended/awarded/DMed on my original post. I was baffled by the number of comments this morning. Y'all are amazing!!! ❤ I've been reading your comments throughout the day, but couldn't respond as the post was locked (per the Mod, post exceeded # of comments limit).
Some users asked what I do for work: I have to give a vague answer to this for privacy reasons. I work in the Regulatory Compliance department and our job is to monitor and enforce internal policies and laws/regulations at all levels within the company.
Almost everyone requested an update, so I really hope this lives up to the hype. The meeting took place first thing this morning with the Manager, head of HR, another HR Manager, two Labor Law Attorneys (from Legal dept.), head of my dept. (Legal invited him on the fly this morning) and 13 CFs (12 coworkers and me). I started the meeting by explaining "why we've gathered here today" (head of my dept. was dumbfounded, he clearly had NO IDEA what the Manager tried to pull). Legal went through the "rules" of discussion (wait your turn to speak and such).
I was first to make my case and my approach was simple: show proof, show policy, explain why the policy was violated and therefore can't be enforced. BORING, yes I know, but if that didn't work, I had other points on reserve to bring up (side note, I really wanted to go all out and lose my filter and say what I really was thinking, but as we know that would get me nowhere)... So I presented the Manager's memo and company's overtime policy, which clearly states that mandatory overtime must be: 1) mandatory for ALL MEMBERS of the department (hourly and salaried), 2) ALL MEMBERS must work equal number of OT hours, and 3) must be approved by the head of the dept. If any of these conditions are not met, management can't impose it, and should ask for volunteers to work OT instead... My argument was simple: Manager didn't follow the policy and purposefully targeted the CFs.
Highlights of the shit show that followed:
* Legal asked head of my dept. if he approved the memo- Answer was an angry NO (I could tell he was LIVID at the Manager). In my head, I'm laughing my A off
* Legal asks Manager for her side of the story. Answer "I wasn't aware of this policy". I interject with "I find that hard to believe when 3 weeks ago we did an extensive review with that policy being the main objective and you were heavily involved with each step." Head of HR chimes in with "I can attest to that, I worked with the Manager on this project. Let's be truthful please." In my head I'm screaming TAKE THAT BITCH -Manager says "Well I didn't think policy would apply in this case."... Y'ALL!!! It took all my will-power not to cuss her out, all of a sudden her memory came back and NOW she's aware of the policy??? Legal stepped in with "Are you saying that you, the Manager responsible for enforcing policies, honestly thought that those same policies don't apply to you?". AAAAHHHHHHHH YES!!! Head of my dept. stepped in with (to Manager, still angry AF) " You were blatantly wrong here. There's no need to try and justify it"...
This is obviously very summarized, but the jist is there. Round 1 was a win! Next were some of the CFs who shared emails between them and her, showing your standard shitty manager behaviors and lack of accountability. She just kept repeating "that's not why we're here today". It didn't stop them from going on though. This was very enjoyable to watch.
Then, one of the other CFs asked to speak and let me tell you, this guy showed up with RECEIPTS!!! He spent the entire night creating an analysis, fucking pie charts and all, to illustrate how many projects were done by the 13 CFs as compared to the 19 non-CFs, how much time was put in by us vs. them, how much vacation/sick time was approved for us vs. them, for the last year!!! I WAS SHOOK!! His analysis showed that 13 of us did close to 60% of all the work while 19 of them did 40ish. Don't even get me started on the rest of the stats. This guy WIPED THE FLOOR WITH THE MANAGER. I hope he gets a raise, because he's my hero. Her response? "This company promotes work-life balance and wants families to have time to spend with each other so it's normal that employees with kids get time to do just that". I couldn't hold back. Me: Yes, you're absolutely right that the company does that. What you're lacking here is the understanding that family includes other people, not just children. In case you were unaware, ALL OF US HAVE FAMILIES TOO!"... HR interjected with "I believe we have enough information here".
The CFs (myself included) were asked to leave the meeting, so they can deliberate, and we were told they'll circle back with us later in the afternoon.
Later comes around, we're invited to a meeting. This time it's all the same people, but no Manager... Head of my dept. apologized that this ever happened, thanked us for "doing the right thing and bringing it to their attention", threw in a few company lines about equal treatment, yadda, yadda, and told us he will be taking over the managerial duties for the time being. Legal added that the memo is null and void and made it clear that we will NOT be working those insane hours. In case you're wondering, the Manager was offline for the rest of the day. We don't know what happened there. But who cares, WE WON!!!
&#x200B;
[Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/kh2xrn/update_to_the_update_when_being_childfree_gets/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
*Sunday, December 20th 2020*
So it's been about a month since the whole situation took place. This will be a short update as I will focus on what majority who read the original post/update wanted to know.
1. Did the Manager get fired? Answer: No. HOWEVER, she is no longer a Manager in my group. She was transfered to a non-managerial position in a different department.
2. Did pie charts/stats guy get promoted? Answer: Again no, BUT I hear that the company has a promotions freeze in place until end of year, so there is still hope. The Manager position remains open.
I know this is not too exciting of an update, but I didn't want to leave the story unfinished :) I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe! XOXO | seventhirtytwo | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/punomr/ops_manager_demands_mandatory_overtime_for/ | punomr | 10,066 | 1,443 | [
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2021-09-24T18:35:13 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pupt9i/deleted_by_user/ | pupt9i | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-09-24T18:51:44 | Dave’s favorite toy lost its squeak. Please help me find him another Piggy | RBI | *This is a repost. I'm not the owner of Piggy and Dave.*
Mood
>!Short and sweet!<
___
[**Original Posting**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/)
[The Piggy in question (with Dave sauce)](https://imgur.com/a/0iCrdlV)
*Notable Comments:*
> This is the most important post in this sub ever [\[1\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/hadm4jq/)
___
> Make sure you buy multiples this time! [\[2\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/hadhj1w/)
___
> Well, [this looks like it](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TLV9Q1J/), but it says unavailable. Grr.
> Hi Dave!
> Oh, [maybe these](https://www.amazon.com/WainbowA-Squeaky-Rubber-Animal-Interactive/dp/B07TYDHBBS/ref=bmx_dp_phm8n0mo_7/138-2596643-8046629?pd_rd_w=4BuyH&pf_rd_p=f43599e0-aaab-4357-b62a-afc3efe44d3b&pf_rd_r=B29Z71CYQ8S770AY7D8D&pd_rd_r=9b355cc2-85cf-4b74-aaf4-1be5a9a4c453&pd_rd_wg=ygbW6&pd_rd_i=B07TYDHBBS&psc=1)?[ \[3\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/haddrr3/)
___
>**[OP]** That’s it!! I don’t know how you found it but I just put in an order! Bless you!!
> [Dave’s face right now](https://imgur.com/a/weJRrAb) [[4]](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/hadekcl/)
___
>Op please update when Dave has been reunited with his love. [[5]](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pbpce5/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/haflcho/)
___
[**Update**]
(https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/pdntir/update_dave_has_his_piggy/)
Thank you to everybody for the help especially u//lilvadude !!
Just look at them together at last! [Dave and Piggy](https://imgur.com/a/st2ZfJ8)
Bonus video of their reunion [Piggy’s Back!!](https://imgur.com/a/rKX85iY)
Thank you again everybody Dave is so happy!! | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/puq40o/daves_favorite_toy_lost_its_squeak_please_help_me/ | puq40o | 2,024 | 502 | [
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2021-09-24T18:51:50 | Reddit advice for free rental and some passive income on signup | null | [removed] | donairman12 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/puq42t/reddit_advice_for_free_rental_and_some_passive/ | puq42t | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-09-24T19:41:47 | I [29F] just found out that my fiance [30M] has been selling my panties behind my back | Relationships | As per the usual, I am not the original poster.
Posted in r/relationships 7 years ago by [u/shockedfiancee](https://www.reddit.com/user/shockedfiancee/).
# I [29F] just found out that my fiance [30M] has been selling my panties behind my back
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pelyg/i\_29f\_just\_found\_out\_that\_my\_fiance\_30m\_has\_been/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pelyg/i_29f_just_found_out_that_my_fiance_30m_has_been/)
We have been engaged for 4 months and dating for 2 years. We decided to move in together about 3 months ago and everything has been going wonderfully. Throughout the last 3 months I have noticed my underwear going missing every now and then. I thought nothing of it because I probably have 50 pairs and I usually keep a pair or two in different bags/purses in case of monthly accidents. So sometimes I will be looking for that red lace thong, but can't find it so I just assume it is in a purse/bag. Or so that was my reasoning.
This morning I was looking for the matching panties to a bra I was wearing. I looked all over and could not find them. I asked my fiance to check the dryer in case they were in there. He chuckled and said he had sold them. I assumed he was kidding and laughed and asked him to look for me. He then goes "babe, I am serious." I could not believe what I was hearing. I was beyond upset and hurt. I pressed him for details and he said he has been selling my **worn** panties to random people from CL!! I packed a bag and went to my sister's house for the night. I feel sick to my stomach about this. We aren't even broke or strapped for cash. His reasoning was that he wanted to make extra money to get me a nice wedding band.
I need advice about what I should do. I am at a loss right now.
**TL;DR: Fiance admitted he has been selling my panties behind my back.**
Relevant Comments:
* The weird thing is that there have never been any red flags before. This just came up out of the blue. I am really tempted to cancel the wedding.
* He did apologize, but it was more of a "I am sorry, now here is my excuse for why I did it." Truthfully, I did not want to listen to him any more and immediately left.
* What bothers me is that he probably would not have admitted it if I had not pressed on. Usually I don't bother asking him if he has seen my underwear cause I figure he won't know.
* Now I am worried he might have posted pictures with the panties. Other Redditers have a point - most guys won't buy used panties from a guy. I have sent him several R rated pics throughout our relationship and now I fear he may have posted these too.
# [UPDATE]-I [29F] just found out that my fiance [30M] has been selling my panties behind my back
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pj5vf/updatei\_29f\_just\_found\_out\_that\_my\_fiance\_30m\_has/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pj5vf/updatei_29f_just_found_out_that_my_fiance_30m_has/)
Original [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pelyg/i_29f_just_found_out_that_my_fiance_30m_has_been/)
First and foremost, thanks to everyone's thoughtful advice and feedback. I went back to my place (with my sister) while he was at work. I packed up the majority of my things and brought them back to my sister's place. Once he got off work, I phoned him (I felt that this was the easiest method of communication) and told him to tell me exactly what he had done. Here are the main key points:
* He has been selling my used panties for the last 3 months.
* In addition to this, he has also **posted** semi-nude/sexually suggestive pictures of myself that I had sent him. He had sold the underwear that I had on in the pictures. He said he only posted the pictures to the buyers to "prove" to them that it really was worn by me.
* He said he told the buyers that I was 100% consenting (he pretended to be me in the emails) and when he met up in person to sell them, he would tell the men that I was too afraid of coming on my own, and that I asked him to go deliver them.
* He has sold about 20 pairs of underwear. I have a LOT of underwear, and I frequently purchase new pairs. This is why I didn't really notice such a huge amount going missing. Especially since I usually keep a few pairs in gym bags etc.
* He admitted to have made $900 through this. He said he sells them for about $40 pair/give or take.
* He initially told me he wanted a bit of extra cash in order to customize my wedding band. When I pressed him on, he admitted he got a bit of a "thrill" by selling my panties and knowing other men found me sexually attractive/got aroused by my underwear.
* He apologized profusely and tried to compare it to selling my used designer shoes or purse. I completely disagree with this, because there is a **sexual** motivation for these men buying them. I feel sexually exploited and taken advantage of.
* I have decided to break off the engagement and I am done with this relationship. This entire incident took me by surprise and I never suspected he would do something like this.
* I will hopefully break the news to my family this weekend (with the support of my sister). He is still trying to convince me to go to couples therapy with him and wants to salvage our relationship. But I am honestly done with him at this point.
**TL;DR: Confronted ex-fiance about him selling my underwear. He admitted to much more.**
**EDIT: So the topic of the money has come up. He did not offer to pay me back and some users are suggesting I demand the money, while others say it's a bad move to take it. Thoughts??**
More relevant comments:
* My sister went ahead and reported his email address. She found the ad (I felt too sick to look at it) but she verified that there were a few pictures posted and it was written by "me" (ie. him pretending to be me). The ad also suggested sexual things like "I get so horny when I think of all the guys who will be jerking off into my panties."
* I will definitely document everything. I also think I will seek some type of legal advice. I fear that if I out the reason for breaking off the engagement, he might retaliate by distributing my pictures. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pur1qu/i_29f_just_found_out_that_my_fiance_30m_has_been/ | pur1qu | 6,261 | 1,111 | [
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2021-09-24T21:03:49 | Will the bride’s family boycott a wedding? What happens next? | Relationships | The [OP](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawayandpanic/)
I am not the original poster. The original post was 7 years ago. The update 5 years ago.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/26pydf/my\_bf\_m25\_wont\_ask\_for\_my\_hand\_and\_my\_dad\_m48\_is/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/26pydf/my_bf_m25_wont_ask_for_my_hand_and_my_dad_m48_is/)
# My BF (M25) won't ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish?
I've been with my boyfriend (M25) for three years. We both just finished school, and are finally ready for marriage. He proposed last week and I happily said yes. I could not be happier. I love him and he is going to be an awesome dad someday. But my bf is very new school and my dad is kind of old school.
My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend's apology if my boyfriend formally asks for my hand at a dinner that my dad said he will pay for at the restaurant of my boyfriend's choosing. My dad feels like he is being very accommodating. He will bring my boyfriend's favorite wine to celebrate. I spoke to my boyfriend last night and he won't budge. He doesn't believe in that tradition.
My boyfriend showed me an article online where a Pakistani woman was stoned to death outside a courthouse because she married a man against her family's wishes. This just happened. My boyfriend who witnessed his father be abusive/possessive with his mom as a child has always felt strongly that women are not property. He thinks the tradition of asking for her had is repulsive. His point is that he's met my whole family, and gotten to know them. He says they have always known his intentions and he never made it secret that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and have children. He feels he was done enough to announce his intentions and all of them seemed to "approve" of him. He says that at this point he only needs my approval to marry him and nobody else's.
So yesterday my mom told me that my dad who is not even speaking to me because I won't set my foot down with my boyfriend is calling the whole family and telling them to not attend my wedding. My mom says that my boyfriend is the one treating me like property by not letting me have a say in his decision to not observe a tradition that my two older sisters' husbands observed.
I told my mother that I understand where my boyfriend is coming from and that I have decided to do away with the tradition of him asking for my hand. So my mother is obviously mad and said that I should be ready for serious consequences. I asked her what and she would not say. But from talking to my sister she said that they would black ball us from all family gatherings. My two sister's and my mom have told me my boyfriend is being selfish. The wedding is set for August 9th. I'm worried that nobody in my family will attend my wedding.
EDIT: I'm getting some comments about my boyfriend asking for my parents' "blessing" instead of "permission," or "hand." I just can't see the difference. There might be one but I don't see it. Is there a big difference?
tl;dr: My boyfriend won't ask my dad for my hand in marriage, and my parents is having my family boycott my wedding and threatening other "consequences."
The update
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4potyb/update\_my25\_bf28\_wont\_ask\_for\_my\_hand\_in\_marriage/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4potyb/update_my25_bf28_wont_ask_for_my_hand_in_marriage/)
&#x200B;
The wedding went on as planned. My parents stuck to their guns and boycotted. One of my two sisters attended and is now happily blacklisted from our family. Nobody else from my entire family showed up including my two brothers.
The wedding was a little unconventional. My sister walked my husband down the aisle and then his sister walked me down the aisle. I wanted this because my SIL actually introduced us and helped me get my first date with him. There was no questioned about who gives away the bride or even about objections. It was normal other than that. There has been no contact between me and my family, other than my one sister. My mother has made it a point to send me a card every time that they have a family gathering for holidays or birthdays at their house to let me know that my father says I'm not invited. I get one almost every month. I don't even read them anymore I just toss them. I don't why they keep sending them because I've made no effort to contact them and I live over three hours away so it's not like I will run into them by accident.
The reason I came back to post this here is because some people here made a prediction that came true (that they would come crawling back when we had children). I am now expecting our first child, a girl :). She will be the first grandchild for my parents. My parents found out about the pregnancy a few months ago through a family friend. They didn't waste anytime in making demands, not requests, demands. My boyfriend and I are not religious but I had a Catholic upbringing. I don't practice at all by choice. My mother called me back in April telling me that my father wanted our daughter's middle name to be his mother's first name. I said no. My father was listening in on speaker so I went ahead and told them that they were officially uninvited from all birthdays, graduations, and any other important dates in her life. My father called me half an hour later crying and begging me to come stay with them for the birth so my mother could care for me. I said no.
He also said that he had already made arrangements for his priest could baptize her at his church but that I needed to agree to naming her after his mother if I wanted this to happen. He said he'd already planned a big celebration for the birth and the baptism that he was paying for. I said no to all of it. He went from meekly trying to sweet talk me to raising his voice at me and I hung up.
He called a couple of more times to apologize for losing his temper and again beg me to reconsider giving birth at a hospital near them so they could visit us. He denied having any knowledge of my mother sending me cards to uninvite us to any family functions and even said that he specifically asked her to invite us but he was told I declined every time. He lets my mom do the dirty work so he can later hide behind her and deny he had any knowledge. He's done this since I was a little girl. He does this every time he wants to drop the hammer on somebody but be the good cop also. He'll never change. He denied having any knowledge of why anybody in the family missed my wedding. I told him our daughter would not be baptized, or catholic at all (no offense to Catholics). I told him he was too manipulative and controlling and I didn't want my daughter exposed to that. He's too toxic and just venomous.
Coincidentally, the day and for several days after that phone call I got tons of calls and emails from my brothers, their wives, my sister, and all my aunts. They all wanted to apologize for missing my wedding, and all had specific excuses, and wanted to make plans to be there for my daughter's birth. I banned them all from her life until she's old enough to decide for herself to let them in.
My husband was a little surprised and not sure about banning everybody forever. He's more leaning towards supervised visits if they want to drive to us. My dad has been calling him like crazy but we are a united front. My husband is deferring to me but giving me ideas as to how I can give a little if I decide to. But with my family there's no giving a little. They want it all. For now, they're all banned. I will reconsider when the youngest of our children turns 18 :). For now my dad will have to settle for sucking up to my husband while I stick to my guns. Unlike him, I don't mind owning my decisions even if it means I'm bad cop. I'm not ready to give up a relatively drama free, stress free life to allow my dad and all his sheep back into our lives.
**tl;dr**: Nobody in my family showed up to our wedding other than one of my sisters. Everyone is banned from our lives. | amistada | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pusjak/will_the_brides_family_boycott_a_wedding_what/ | pusjak | 8,245 | 1,852 | [
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2021-09-24T22:45:45 | [META] I have no idea why this sub is top-tier, but I'm here for it. Props to you, mods. | META | riggycat | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/puubee/meta_i_have_no_idea_why_this_sub_is_toptier_but/ | puubee | 0 | 368 | [
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2021-09-25T15:14:04 | AITA for not wanting to get a job? | AITA | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k6vdwu/aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_a_job/) *is by* u/\[deleted\]
The title sounds bad, I know, but please wise people of Reddit, just hear me out. Also English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes.
My BF (29M) and I (27F) have been together for 3 years now, and we decided that it was time to live together. Some background information: he is an engineer working for a big company in my country and I'm a writer. I also own two apartments in a very popular and nice area in the city where we live that I rent for extra income (they belonged to my grandparents, and as the only grandchild I inherited them when they died). Even though the pandemic hit my country hard, I did not experience any difficulties because my tenants have kept paying me rent. Therefore, my income hasn't changed at all. I'm not a millionaire by any means, but I can live comfortably just renting my properties.
On to the main issue. We decided that I would move to BF's flat as it is bigger than the one I currently live in, and we agreed that we would go 50/50 on everything (rent, utilities, groceries, etc). I would do more household chores than him since I WFH but I had no problem with this, of course. However, my BF is now saying that I should look for a "real job" because it would be unfair that "you stay home all day doing nothing while I work". I'm currently working with my editor to finish the first novel in my series (which will consist of three books), so it's not like I "do nothing all day".
I refused to so so because 1) I have a real job (and an extra source of income) and 2) I can pay my share of the living costs without any problem. He insists that I'm being unreasonable.
AITA?
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kjd8ui/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_a_job/)
So I posted this some days ago, and a lot of things have happened since then. Of course, I sat down with my BF to talk about his sudden change of attitude towards my job as a writer, and I told him that it was very disrespectful to tell me that I have to get a "real job" when I already have one. I told him that I was considering ending the relationship too because of that. However, I also asked him if there was something that he wasn't telling me because this behavior was not normal at all.
At first he doubled down on saying that there was nothing that he wasn't telling me, but after insisting a bit more he admitted that he was jealous of me. He said that he hates his job (this was quite a surprise, ngl), and he resents seeing me so happy and fulfilled with mine. The fact that I have another source of income only makes his jealousy worse because I'm pretty independent and can stop working whenever I want (his words, not mine). However, he said that he was willing to let me continue writing if I also work somewhere else to make things fair. I was flabbergasted (I love this word) to say the least.
So yeah, I broke up with him. It hurts, but I'll live. Maybe this will give me ideas for another novel hahaha
Thank you all for your advices and kind words, they have been really helpful :)
Edit: holy shit! I was not expecting that my update would blow up like this, thank you so much everyone! And thank you for the awards! I honestly don't know how they work, but oh well. I'll try and answer to everyone who took their time to comment, it's the least you deserve ❤
Edit 2: I know I said that I was going to answer to everyone who commented, but I'm honestly so overwhelmed with all your responses that my writing brain cannot handle everything (ironic, I know hahaha) I just want everyone to know that I'm reading every single one of your comments and upvoting everyone. Again, thank you so much for reading ❤❤
Edit 3: guys, seriously, you have no idea how your amazing comments are making me feel right now. I'm sad, yes, but also overwhelmed with all these lovely messages. I honestly thought that this was not going to attract any attention, but boy I was wrong. I hope I can make another post very soon telling you that I published my novel!
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. So, so much. I hope all you lovely redditors have an amazing Christmas and I wish you all the best! ❤💙💜 | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pv8o21/aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_a_job/ | pv8o21 | 4,330 | 1,071 | [
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2021-09-25T20:05:20 | Best friend kissed OP and ghosted him | Relationship_Advice | *Reposted, with permission from* u/[Askin4advice](https://old.reddit.com/user/Askin4advice)
[ORIGINAL](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pmosck/what_do_i_do/)
**…what do I do?….**
Hello….I know my best friend uses this for advice when she doesn’t know who to talk to and I have found myself in a very similar situation…
Long post alert…..
I am an openly gay male. I grew up in a very religious and very homophobic town, and did not have many friends.
Except one….let’s call him Phil.
Phil has been my best friend for damn near 20 years. Met in 4th grade and have always been the best of mates. He was the first person I came out to…
He was the one who fought for me when I was bullied bc I never could fight for myself. He sat with me when I came out to my parents and let me stay with him when they didn’t react the best. He helped my parents and me come back together.
Never once in the history of our friendship was I ever attracted to him, he was just always the brother I needed to draw myself out of the cave of depression I always walked myself into.
After the past 3 living in California, he moved back to PA about 7 miles away from me. Immediately we began hanging out 4 nights a week. Whether in person or gaming with each other for hours at a time and have been doing so since he moved back 2 years ago.
So….here’s the part that is literally destroying my brain.
3 nights ago, we went out for Thursday night trivia like we always do and we actually won. We won $250 and got SMASHED. Skip the drunken details, he can’t drive and we walk back to my place and I offer him the guest room.
I wake up in the middle of the night, still buzzed as hell to him getting in the covers with me. We’ve cuddled before, but when one of us needed comfort or had a shitty week.
He kissed me….and not like a friendly kiss two mates have….like grabbed my face and pulled me into him.
I was smashed and I am gay at the end of the day and I followed his lead. Skip a few minutes to us completely naked under the covers passed out drunk.
When I woke up, he was laying across my chest. He immediately woke up and kissed me again.
Then sudden panic set in for both of us. He jumps up stuttering gets dressed and ran from my house.
I never thought of him as anything other than my brother, but I haven’t stopped thinking about the what if; but most importantly, I want him in my life.
And he has ghosted me….
He is not answering any of my simple “hey” or “hello” texts. His truck is never at his house when I drive home from work. He’s not answering my phone calls (only 5 in the past 3 days) when we would talk literally more than what I do with my mother.
I know I didn’t force myself upon him, but I don’t want to expect a relationship to bud out of this because I don’t think I even want that. At least I don’t think I do.
What do I do?…..I’m literally losing sleep over it. I can’t talk to my best friend about bc SHE USED TO DATE HIM.
I know I love him, but is this something other type of love? I don’t think so but it’s ALL I can think about since he won’t message me.
Please somebody help me.
[UPDATE 1](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/poram5/my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_of_20_years_has/)
**My (m33) straight best friend (m32) of 20+ years has “feelings”**
A follow up to my last post….
So after a week of ghosting me from the previous situation going on, he finally messaged me back
Quick recap of events I am a gay male, my best friend since childhood and I have been hanging out almost daily since 4th grade.
Last week we both got way too drunk and ended up fooling around before he ran away the following morning and didn’t respond.
HE FINALLY DID.
He apologized for ghosting me, but he said this to me and I am just BESIDE MYSELF. I don’t know what to say back I don’t know how to move forward.
Him- “I don’t know man. I don’t look at dudes that way, but you just bring out the most wholesome version of myself when I am with you.”
Me- “well duh dude… we’ve been best friends forever…you do the same for me. It was one very drunken night and we all do stupid shit that we regret you know??”
Him- “I’ve never done anything like that, and I wouldn’t call it stupid. I mean you know everything about me. Like everything.”
Me- “I just miss you man….please just come over tonight so we can talk in person I hate this texting thing…”
Him- “I don’t know if I can see you face to face right now.”
Me- “let’s just forget that it happened and come play some video games after work with me…”
Him- “I don’t know if I want to forget. Dude you know I love you. And now I’m all fucked up inside about it.”
Me- “I love you too!! You know that! You’re literally my favorite person…”
Him- “I don’t know man, have you ever thought about being with me?”
WHAT……?!?……
I told him that was a loaded question. He went off on a tangent of how he would hate himself if he didn’t give “us a chance.”
Im not the kind of guy to try to “convert” a straight guy. I’m not one of those guys…
I have NEVER thought of doing anything with him and one night literally has changed our whole dynamic and I am stressed high key about this.
Yes I love him, but….do I LOVE him?…
What if I say no and he resents me for it? What if I say yes and it goes horrifically wrong and I lose literally my favorite person on the face of existence?
HALP
[UPDATE 2](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppd3p4/my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_has_feelings_im/)
**My (m33) straight best friend (m32) has feelings (I’m pretty sure)**
Again thank you for any words of advice…I usually go to my female best friend for this kind of thing but I can’t….and it’s left me lost on who to talk to
But as for my best friend situation…we’ll…update….
We still haven’t talked about what happened face to face….not really anyway…
He came by today though…but literally the only thing that happened now has me all twisted up inside
He rang the bell (which he never does but besides the point) and I answered.
Lo and behold I haven’t seen him in almost a week since all this happened so I didn’t know how to approach talking to him face to face or giving him a hug or whatever I don’t know…
“Hey there stranger..” was all I could muster
He just stares at me….he doesn’t say anything he just continues staring at me.
“Want to come in?”…I step aside showing him I’m watching a movie…
He shakes his head almost violently. Starts scratching the back of his neck and starts to say something.
Then suddenly he lunges forward and kisses me….maybe two three seconds
Not even long enough for me to realize what exactly was happening
Then he pulls away and just stares at me. He starts crying and runs to his truck and drives off…
I try calling him and I get declined…I need to talk to him but I don’t want to push him away further than what he’s pushing himself away…is he questioning our friendship? Is he questioning his sexuality?
I’ve been thinking…but I just need to talk to him about everything before I or we can move forward… I need to talk to someone about this…
Like I said can’t talk to my roommate about this…she used to date him and now she knows something is up because we literally used to hang out 4 times a week and the other three we’re still playing games online together
This is my best friend. We’ve gone from playing ding dong ditch as preteens to shutting down bars together. We watch tv series together and go to football games and are each other’s support through everything and have been for so long.
I don’t want to ruin this friendship. I know now that he at least wants to try or that’s what has been implied and as much as the little voice in the back of my head saying “go for it” all I can think is “HES NOT GAY. IT WAS ONE NIGHT.” And he’s just confused and I could try to explain but he WONT TALK TO ME.
Do I just go over and demand he talk to me about this whole thing?? I want to try to, but also I don’t.
I’ve always imagined him being my best man at my wedding one day and vice versa. How I couldn’t do that without him by my side.
Is it him I’m imagining now? Is it me he’s imagining? I don’t KNOW
someone talk me off a cliff because I’m really about to drive over there
[UPDATE 3](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pqmeat/update_my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_spent_the/)
**UPDATE: my (m33) straight best friend (m32) spent the night convincing me to give “us” a chance**
Again any advice would be wonderful not sure where else to go
Recap: we have been best friends since 4th grade. Lived with each other for two years in the past. One drunken night a week ago, we both got blackout drunk and ended up fooling around. He ghosted me for quite some time after, until culminating with him coming over to my place, not saying a word, kissing me, and running away.
After advice from the last post I made, I drove over and basically demanded he stop avoiding direct conversation with me.
I sat on his porch swing and just waited after telling him I was outside and I would fall asleep on it unless he came and sat with me.
After two hours, he came out and he sat beside me. We sat in silence for about another half hour just swinging beside each other before I finally started crying.
He began apologizing profusely saying how he’s screwing everything up between us.
Then we talked. I won’t disclose everything we talked but it ended in the decision, that he wants to explore his sexuality, but he doesn’t want to explore with anyone else but me.
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking of the possibility of something happening between us once or twice in the 20 years we’ve known each other. He’s a good looking guy. But he’s also sweet and genuine to a fault.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship, and I told him that. If we were to try something I am PETRIFIED that we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
He wasn’t concerned at all about it. We’ll be friends no matter what. But I am not friends with many of my exes, don’t know many who are.
I told him if we did anything I’m not diving in fully. If we would feel awkward we’d stop.
A long night of him of him saying this and that we came to an agreement. A night of us like normal, playing video games and watching a movie, but we’d start with cuddling or something small and maybe a PG/PG13 sleepover.
It’s happening tonight. I’m anxious, nervous, nauseous, scared…yet excited.
Anyone here ever start dating their best friend? Did it work out? Did it not? And if it didn’t are you still best friends? THAT is my one fear…if it doesn’t work out, will we still be best friends?
I have a feeling he’ll realize that he isn’t questioning himself and just feels comfortable with me. Comfortability and sexuality are two different things. I don’t want him to realize this and think I was trying to “convert” him.
I posted this in another group last night and got good advice but this is where I first posted my story so wanted to get your feedback as well.
[UPDATE 4](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pry7bo/update_me_m33_and_my_straight_best_friend_m32_are/)
**UPDATE: me (m33) and my “straight” best friend (m32) are planning an official date**
Just want to say thank you to all of you who gave me advice on previous post…my nerves were getting the better of me and I almost didn’t go through with it
We decided to take things slow….it would be the first time he ever had interest in a guy and here’s how yesterday’s interaction went
He came over….and it was a normal night between us in all honesty
I thought there would be awkward tension or something but it was more than anything I expected
He came over and we played our online games for a bit with playful shoves and comments
There were moments that we caught each other staring at each other and we would just start laughing….honestly my favorite part of the night
We put on a movie opened a bottle of wine but instead of opposite chairs he squeezed in beside me on my futon and did his best attempt at cuddling me
We realized very quickly that he’s not a good little spoon 😅😂
It was really cute that he tried though
He kissed the top of my head a few times and we kissed a few times but nothing serious
We ended up falling asleep cuddling on my futon, woke up went to breakfast to the next morning and made plans for an actual date
It didn’t feel awkward…it felt like us….natural and normal…
Just showing our appreciation and love for each other a little bit more than what we normally do
It was very very nice 😊
Now he made dinner reservations for us at a nice restaurant and we’re going to go see Dear Evan Hansen afterwards (even though he hates musicals)
All caution and hesitation aside, I am very thankful to y’all for talking to me and giving me advice on the situation
I’m hopeful about this, not saying I think he’s the one but I now know this is the start of a new side to our friendship that is going to be eye opening and beautiful
Thanks again y’all
[UPDATE 5](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pvcc7d/update_my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_had_our/)
**UPDATE: my (m33) “straight” best friend (m32) had our first date**
Again thank y’all for all your advice the week prior….don’t think I would have gone through with giving it a chance if it weren’t for your words of encouragement
A lot of you asked for an update 😅😂
Not sure this will be a continuing thing but I might pop up here and there
bc you all helped me so much here is how yesterday’s date went
My cars in the garage currently so he picked me up from work.
He drove me home and told me we were going to a nice restaurant. Asked if it was like suit and tie, he said whatever you are comfortable with.
I ended up wearing a tannish button up polo, dress pants and whatnot. Came down the stairs to him in a suit jacket with a dark brown shirt (we matched 😊) holding a single rose.
We ended up going to a steakhouse where you flip over a coaster to let them know if you want anything else to eat.
We sat and laughed and talked for 3 hours, but it seemed like only minutes. I picked out a bottle of wine and we just truly enjoyed the evening. Sorry for skipping out on a lot of details.
Then we walked across the street to the matinee for Dear Evan Hanson and this is where we bumped into one of his coworkers with his wife.
I was fully prepared for him to say we were going as friends but he introduced me as his date without prompting from me or his friend at all and honestly….my heart fluttered in 10,000 ways.
He was just comfortable and it made me even more at ease.
The movie starts and I can’t help it I’m a cryer, I was crying the whole damn movie. If you haven’t at least listened to the soundtrack PLEASE DO.
But at one point, I was cuddled up in a ball of emotion just staring at the screen. He leaned over kissed my shoulder and laid his head on my shoulder and one with one hand gently rubbed my shin up and down for a little bit. (Made me cry more 😂😂)
End of the night, he drove me home. Kissed me goodnight and texted me throughout the rest of the night until I fell asleep.
Woke up to a few texts asking if I fell asleep on him, but woke up to a final text saying it was the best first date and can’t wait for our 10th.
There you have it. I might come back for advice on certain things in the future, but for now I’m going to thank you for helping me get to this point.
Appreciate y’all 🥰🥰🥰 | Angry_ACoN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pvegip/best_friend_kissed_op_and_ghosted_him/ | pvegip | 15,626 | 1,059 | [
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2021-09-25T22:15:49 | Made a terrible mistake and I may lose everything. Coworker suing me. | LegalAdvice | I am not the original poster.
The original poster u/[abcanonxyzanon](https://www.reddit.com/user/abcanonxyzanon/). Posted 3 years ago in r/legaladvice
TW: Sexual harassment
# Made a terrible mistake and I may lose everything. Coworker suing me.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a1krwx/ma\_made\_a\_terrible\_mistake\_and\_i\_may\_lose/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a1krwx/ma_made_a_terrible_mistake_and_i_may_lose/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Using anon account to protect myself. I am in the Medical field and I got close to another coworker who is not in the same field but also a Medical professional (below me).
We went out for drinks as a group and I thought we hit it off. Went home with her and we had sex. She immediately regretted it and left. Her Excuse was ' you dont shit where you eat'
Saw her at work, we spoke a little bit and she said "that can never happen again and we should stop contacting each other" Later I found out she had a boyfriend.
This made me very angry. Did something stupid and said along the lines if you wont sleep with again or cut off contact am telling your guy. (It was a joke) I have to say I was texting her more than she was replying.
I sent her photos of my self and she said I crossed the line. But read it a sort of joking way. Sent other pics and there was no reply for days.
I went to her floor and she was not there. So I tried calling and texting multiple times with no answer. I finally get a message from her saying she is going to HR and will be speaking to a lawyer. Accusing me of threats and harassment. Thought she was joking but I got a call from someone saying they are her lawyer.
I have worked so hard to get where I am. I am an international employee on a working Visa and have been to this country for a few years. I am scared and trying to figure out what to do. Please help me, how can I better approach this?
\*sorry English is not my first language and am nervously typing this.
# Update to my last post about Hospital coworker suing me for sexual harassment
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a3tz6k/boston\_ma\_update\_to\_my\_last\_post\_about\_hospital/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a3tz6k/boston_ma_update_to_my_last_post_about_hospital/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone I may have offended by my post last week. I read every comment(was too shocked and embarrassed by my ignorance to reply) I get it. I was very wrong. Although I don't think I deserved the death threats in my messages.
When I got a letter from her attorney I wrote back apologizing for the disrespect and my rude messages. What I thought was a joke, was not funny. My friends although supportive, called me out on my harassment. I am a Medical professional and should have known better. I won't blame it on my culture( I am from Indian/Pakistan). I am in a foreign country and I know I have to abide by the rules. I was unfortunately suspended(will keep details private to protect myself) but not fired. Moving forward, I have spoken to the women in my family, and i am considering therapy to help better myself. I am willing to show that am working on myself and very sorry for the hurt I caused.
\*Biggest mistake was not getting my own lawyer like everyone suggested.
Thanks again and happy holidays to you all. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pvgson/made_a_terrible_mistake_and_i_may_lose_everything/ | pvgson | 3,545 | 991 | [
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2021-09-26T07:55:47 | OP discovers ex-girlfriend passed away, and that they had a son together | Relationship_Advice | Update mood: >!happy!<
A reminder that I am not the original poster, this is a repost subreddit.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcuslt/my_ex_girlfriend_passed_her_family_barely/)
**My Ex girlfriend passed her family barely contacts me that she had a baby**
There’s no doubt her son is 100% mine because we had a paternity test just to be sure. Anyways I (27m) barely found this out weeks ago. Only reason we broke up is because I had to move back across the country last year to help my family after my dad died from covid. Didn’t wanna do the long distance since I was gonna stay there working for a bit. She never told me anything. Her mom says she didn’t want me to worry about her all the way over there when my dad’s family needed me more and she was gonna tell me as soon as I was back. I moved back like a month ago only now I’m finding out not only that I lost her (they said there was complications when she gave birth) but we have a baby boy.
Feeling a mix of stuff and worst part is I can’t talk to her about because I wish she’d told me. Her mom says they’ve barely been managing with him. They need help with him and so that’s why she reached out to me once they learned I was back. Of course he’s mine that’s my responsibility. Still it’s hard not to panic. I’m still in shock about her death. Now I’ve got a son I need to take care of. Didn’t even get to be part of the first 2 months of his life. My family doesn’t know about him yet. Hell I still haven’t met him yet her mom’s only sent me pics (he’s beautiful). I don’t know how I’m gonna do this. I’m scared, sad and pissed off for some reason. I’m nervous as fuck about meeting him or how this is gonna go. Her parents will be around to help but I know he’ll be with me full time for the most part. Really any advice I’ll really appreciate. From new parents or anyone honestly. What the hell do I do about all these new changes?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pvc2a5/update_my_ex_girlfriend_passed_her_family_barely/)
**UPDATE: My Ex girlfriend passed her family barely contacts me that she had a baby**
All the info and advice you guys gave in my original post meant a lot to me so thanks for that. Some of you wanted an update. What can I say, shits been chaotic. Finally met my son and that was just a truck load of emotions hitting me all at once. Wasn’t expecting it. My ex’s mom had to take him for a minute because I was literally sobbing. It wasn’t because I didn’t wanna be his dad or anything. It’s one of those moments where everything hits you at once and only thing you can do is cry. She understood it though and she cried with me. She’s a sweet lady. One of those ladies that treats everyone like her child because of how caring she is. My son has my ex’s nose and the shape of her eyes. That’s what hit me more. Just because we broke up for the meantime while I was at my dad’s didn’t mean I stopped being in love with her. And now we have a baby together only she won’t get to be here to share that family experience and I miss her so much.
Got to hold my son, introduce myself to him. Me and her mom talked about the custody stuff (already got a lawyer for that to make the process easier) so everyone’s on the same page. They let me stay over, talked more about my ex, had a few beers with her dad. I stayed at their house a few days because honestly I was still terrified of being left alone with my son because I had no clue what the hell to do with him. They were both really kind and patient about showing me how to change his diapers, feedings, how to give him a bath, rock him to sleep, how to install the damm fucking car seat in my car without throwing it on the floor. Her parents were nice enough to let me spend the night so everytime he woke up I’d be there either to watch her how she does everything then I started doing it. He’s been with me almost 2 weeks at my place. Got mostly all his stuff with me. Looking for a two bedroom but for now he’s sleeping in his bassinet in my room. It’s been really hard. Especially the first night I probably called her mom like 5 times within 2 hours because he would not stop crying. Then his pediatrician because I’m freaking out something might be wrong with him. Calming him down whenever he got fussy was my weak spot. Nothing I tried was working. Singing to him seemed to help a lot, walking around my apartment and rocking him nonstop. It’s still not easy, at least now I’m feeling more confident that I can’t handle the crying and not freak out enough to call for help. Taking time off from work again so I can be here with him full time. I’m tired, stressed, still got a lot going on emotionally. But I’m also just happy when I’m holding him or making him smile. Honestly the little stuff he does (even his cute little sneezes) makes me love him even more. Seems like he starting to like me too. Almost everyone in my family has met him on zoom, my mom’s come over to see him. She’s offering to do babysitting once I go back to work in another few months so that’s one less thing to worry about. I just wish my dad would’ve had the chance to meet him, I know they would’ve been best friends and he’d definitely spoil my son so much.
And it’s like my ex knew that too. So didn’t know this until her parents gave me his birth certificate but my ex wanted his middle name to be my dad’s so that was a nice surprise for me. That he’s got his grandpa’s name too. I’m slowly adjusting to this new life. Not easy, he makes it worth it. I wanna be his dad and give him the best I can the way my dad did with me.
[Bonus post](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/comments/phapjm/baby_never_stops_crying_when_i_try_to_hold_him/) \- OP also posted to r/Newparents because of new dad anxiety
**Baby never stops crying when I try to hold him**
I’m a new dad and I’m just barely getting introduced to my son, who’s 2 months old. We’re still getting used to eachother. My son’s grandma (his mom’s mom) is showing me the ropes but for the freaking life of me I can’t soothe him when he gets fussy. I’m holding him and rocking him exactly like she tells me but the wailing doesn’t stop. She’s like a baby whisperer because once I hand him over to her she does exactly what I was doing and he calms right down. And it’s hard that I’m his dad and can’t do that for him. She says it’s because he’s not familiar with me yet so I’m trying not to feel too discouraged.
But still it stresses me out hearing him cry when he’s in my arms to the point where I’m almost crying too. I don’t know what to do. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pvpflt/op_discovers_exgirlfriend_passed_away_and_that/ | pvpflt | 6,625 | 905 | [
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2021-09-26T17:32:01 | My dad disowned my sister and he is dying, how do i convince her to let him go? | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/j8fi78/my_dad_disowned_my_sister_and_he_is_dying_how_do/) *is by* [u/throwRA\_daddisowned](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRA_daddisowned/)
Backstory: My family used to be really close but that changed in 2003 when my dad (55M) discovered that my mom (54F) was having an affair with John(54M) my dad's childhood best friend (he was basically his brother back then and he was my dad's best man in his wedding with mom). He begged her to stay and work things out but my mom ended up leaving him for John and eventually they got a divorce and my mom ended up marrying John 5 months later.
My twin sister Sarah(27F) was always the stereotypical ''daddy's girl'', dad spoiled her a bit more than the rest of us and she was basically his shadow back then and that's why was really surprising to us that Sarah choose to stay with our mom after the divorce. Back then me (27M) and her were the only ones to still live with our parents ( we have other four brothers ), i choose to stay with dad and Sarah choose to live with mom and in the weekends she come to stay with me and dad (i choose to stay with dad and i occasionally went to mom house) . To say that the divorce and my sister choosing to stay with mom fucked up my dad is a understatement, he tried to act like he was okay in front of us but every single week day for the year following the divorce i could hear him cry himself to sleep.
After the divorce the relationship between Sarah and dad didn't change that much, he started to spoil her a bit more than the usual and still remained the usual ''superdad'' showing up in every parent-teacher conference, ballet recital and soccer match and being the most present dad possible. Things started to change when she ''suddenly'' changed her mind about Med school (our dad in an surgeon) and she always said that she wanted to follow his steps but mom and John ended up pressuring her to change her career path to become a lawyer (mom and John are both lawyers). During her studies John started mentoring her and they become really close, after she finished her education he got her a job at his law firm.
Onto the issue: In 2017 Sarah got married, my dad was absolutely thrilled about her wedding, he gave Sarah a blank check for her ''dream wedding'' (to be fair he did this to all of us, he really like weddings) but in Sarah case he was really excited because she is his only daughter and i always remembered him talking about walking her down the aisle (like every wedding that we went to he always said to her that he ''couldn't wait for the day to walk down his little girl down the aisle''). One day before the wedding Sarah drops the bomb that dad and John will be walking her down the aisle together. Well, dad is the most non-confrontational person to walk on this earth and she expected him to just suck it up, he didn't do that, they got into a HUGE fight (first time i see he get angry) and in the end he didn't attend the wedding and John ended up walking Sarah down the aisle.
The fallout was Massive. After the wedding, dad and his side of our family basically disowned her and their relationship became non-existent. She tried to reach out after a while and make amends several times but he simply didn't want to talk or hear about her. We expected him to turn around when she gave birth in 2018 but he doesn't even want to meet her kids.
Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and unfortunately the treatment didn't work and he is terminal. Even with that he still doesn't wanna see her again and she doesn't understand that. I am very close to my dad and this last few weeks are being really difficult to me how do i convince her to let him go?
tl;dr: dad disowned sister, sister is not accepting that, dad is now dying still doesn't want to see her, how can i help her?
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k0ay7o/update_my_dad_disowned_my_sister_and_he_is_dying/)
Some people asked for an update, unfortunately, life isn't all about happy endings, this is a sad ending.
A week after I posted the original post my dad started getting worst, his health started declining really fast. We lost him exactly one month ago, it wasn't pretty (i never thought it would be, but I never thought it would be that heartbreaking), he was in a lot of pain, he been through so much in these last months, as heartbreaking as it was to us he deserved to rest, ***he was tired***.
In the end, he was lucid enough to say his goodbyes to me and my older brothers, hearing him saying what he said to me, was one of the most painful and beautiful moments of my life, his words to me meant a lot, I won't say exactly what he said because I believe that it's just too personal. He said goodbye to my daughters (11mo and 2yo), it was just like when I was a kid, he gave them a kiss on the forehead, toll them to be good girls, and said that he loved them, it was something I won't ever forget, and it hurts like hell that they are so young to understand what happened, they still ask about grandpa and every time I try to explain to them that he isn't coming back they don't see to understand that and how can I blame them? I'm only 27yo, I honestly don't get it, I was supposed to get a lot more years with my dad, it doesn't seem fair at all.
The worst part was my twin sister Sarah, dad died without speaking to her, I tried to talk to him about her, but he wasn't interested in speaking with her. She started getting more desperate and ''suddenly'' he died (it was expected, but she was in denial), his funeral was beautiful, a lot of people shared their stories about him, it was nice, Sarah saw dad for the first time since the night before her wedding, she didn't recognize him, he was very skinny (dad was always a bit overweight, the famous dad bod, but he had lost a LOT of weight from cancer), she cried a lot during the whole funeral, mom and John tried to show up at the ceremony and my uncles were forced to kick them out of the funeral, good fucking riddance.
Dad's will, went as expected as it could, dad's family came from old-money (petrochemicals) so he always had a lot of money, he left a little bit of money and properties divided equally to all his kids (including Sarah), he left a trust fund (which was a LOT of money) for all his grandkids including Sarah kids which he never met, it was honestly expected, my dad never really cared about money that much, he just wanted us to be comfortable and assure that his grandkids all had something to support them.
The tricky part was the ''personal things'', he left a really big letter to all of us (except Sarah), it was really personal stuff, in my letter he spoke to me about our story, about my childhood, it was really nice, I must have read the letter like a hundred times and I cried every single time. One of dad's favorite hobbies was photography, he was quite an enthusiast, and the subject of his photos was pretty much our family (when he and mom were together, later it turned out to be just me and my siblings) as a result of this we had a LOT of pictures from us growing up, he gave each of us a photo album and behind each photo, he wrote something (where it as taken and a few words), I was honestly very surprised with this, he must have done this long before he died, it was a very thoughtful goodbye gift, something that was very typical of dad.
Sarah didn't get a letter and her album didn't have anything wrote behind her photos and when she found out about this she had a mental breakdown, the regret was eating her alive (still is), she was admitted to a hospital and spend an entire week there, she is doing a bit better now, getting a little better every day, her husband and I are really confident in her recovery, she is sleeping and eating almost normally now, she still starts to cry randomly multiples times on a daily basis but it's getting better, at least that's what I am telling to myself.
Which bring us to last week, my wife and I discovered that we are expecting again, it wasn't planned or anything like that, my wife switched birth controls last month and she spends a week without taking the pill, is still very early in her pregnancy so we haven't told anyone yet. The thing is that I'm really angry, I'm angry that my future kid is not gonna be able to meet dad, I'm fucking pissed honestly, it doesn't seem fair at all, I'm angry and I'm scared, my dad was supposed to guide me in the whole parenthood process, he was teaching me a lot of us with my daughters, I'm fucking scared of doing this without him, I'm scared of not being a good father like he was to me because my kids deserve that.
This is it, folks, this whole situation could be a LOT better, I play the ''what if?'' scenario on my head every day, unfortunately, it doesn't change anything. This is honestly a bitter ending, doesn't seem fair at all, but that the thing about life, it's actually never fair.
I want to thank everyone who gave me advice and to everyone who reached out and offered their support in the chat, I was very lonely at that time (still am, haha, fuck this year honestly) it meant a lot to me.
Thank you, Reddit. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pvycm9/my_dad_disowned_my_sister_and_he_is_dying_how_do/ | pvycm9 | 9,294 | 1,653 | [
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2021-09-26T17:51:51 | Friend accuses OP's fiancé of raping her. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not OP. Original in* r/relationship_advice
Mood of the update: >!situation is messed up, update isn't bad!<
[My (24F) friend (24F) wants me to believe that my fiance (28M) rap\*d her](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr8n0z/my_24f_friend_24f_wants_me_to_believe_that_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I’m out of town for the weekend, had to go babysit for my sister. My friend knows this and still decided to go to my apartment because she was too drunk to make it to her place. She knew I wouldn’t be there. Her and my fiance barely even talk. They never hang out unless I’m there. But supposedly she still went without even telling me.
My fiance messaged me right away that she was there and that he didn’t know what to do. I told him to let her stay in our guest bedroom. She went to bed and my fiance and I FaceTimed until super late. My friend didn’t tell me she was there until this morning.
She calls me saying that she went to stay at my place last night but had to leave super early this morning after my fiance sexually assaulted her. She swears it happened. After talking to him I feel like it’s possible that it didn’t happen. I don’t want to dismiss my friends feelings but I’ve also known my fiance for over 10 years and know he’s a good guy. I’ve known this friend for a year and I don’t think she’s a bad person either.
My friend said she won’t press charges but just wants me to know what he did. I don’t know who to believe. Of course this all happens 2 months from our wedding. How should I handle this?? How do I know who’s lying??
\-----------------------------------------
Some of the comments show that OOP was confused about the situation but would not stand by her fiance if the allegations were true.
[Comment by another user:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr8n0z/comment/hdgqys9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Isn’t it super fishy the fact that she went to your place even though she knew you weren’t there? Why would she go there if she doesn’t even talk to your boyfriend? Was she out drinking by herself? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. That part where she won’t press any charges but she wants you to know sounds more like: I just want you to break up with him based solely on what I’m telling you
[OOP's response:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr8n0z/comment/hdgr9p2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) That’s how I felt too. If the man I’m about to marry is a rapist then please help me put him in jail? I still don’t get why she went to our place either.
\--
[Other](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr8n0z/comment/hdgrsps/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pr8n0z/comment/hdgteho/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)by OOP:
Exactly. Why go to my place knowing I’m not there and not even call me to let me know? Especially since you barely talk to my boyfriend? But then I’m like why would she make this whole thing up? Ugh I hate this
He is such a good guy. I’ve known him for 10+ years and even when we weren’t dating he was such already a great friend. I love him and we’re planning our wedding. I really want to believe him.
But at the same time I don’t want to end up being that girl who was so in love that she married a rapist. I don’t know who to believe!
\-----------------------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pvvuqi/update_my_24f_friend_24f_wants_me_to_believe_that/)
Hey guys! Here’s the update … finally! So long story short, my "friend" made it all up.
My plan was to go to her place once I’d come back in town and try to get her to go get a rape kit gone. Unfortunately I was stuck at my sisters with her kids. So my fiance decided to go to her place without telling me and got the truth out her. He recorded their conversation thankfully.
She admitted that she lied and I also found out that she was the one trying to kiss him multiple times that night before he finally told her to go to bed or he’d kick her out. He told her we have a camera in our hallway and will be taking it to the cops to sue her if she doesn’t tell me the truth.
She messaged me after their conversation and instead of just admitting what she did, she tried to blame me. Saying that these past few months all I’ve been talking about is the weeding and it’s like I don’t have time for her anymore. That her lying about this was the only way for her to get my attention?? I tried to call her after that and she wouldn’t answer my phone calls. I even went to her place after I got back in town and she wouldn’t open the door.
So needless to say she will not be a part of my wedding. I’ve never had a lot of friends and now I’m wondering what’s even the point if all they bring is trouble?
Anyway thank you so much for your ideas and advice! You guys are the best! | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pvypm7/friend_accuses_ops_fiancé_of_raping_her/ | pvypm7 | 5,113 | 1,043 | [
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2021-09-26T21:03:52 | AITA for telling my on my friend over him tormenting me about my nut allergy causing him to be suspended for a month and getting a charge? | AITA | **I am NOT the OOP.**
This happened from AITA and thought I would share as OP is being guilted into taking the post down in the next hour or so and this is the only place I could think of that would be a good place to repost his story.
[Link to original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pvfaej/aita_for_telling_my_on_my_friend_over_him/hedtoee/?context=3) (tho if taken down may not work?)
The updates were apart of the post so I hope that is alright.
First time posting and I posted some bullet points about the comments at the end (if not allowed please let me know and I'll edit the post to delete them!)
OOP was deemed **NTA**
**---Post---**
I'm in High School, Senior year and I have this friend named Harry. Harry is one of those types of friends who doesn't think at all before he speaks, and always gets into trouble. One time, he got into so much trouble with the school over a planned vandalism between him and his friends. The school threatened if he got into anymore trouble, he'll have a much more extreme punishment.
During school, I proceeded to the cafeteria with a few of my mates, Gary and Dave. I wasn't really hungry, so I was just going to chill with my friends whilst they eat. Gary, Dave, and Harry begin to pull their lunches out of their bags. Harry unraveled one of the most disgusting sandwiches I've ever seen.
It was a disgusting mess of a sandwich. It looked like two pieces of bread splattered onto a giant puddle of some brown substance, just pure sugar. Harry put the sandwich on the table and I began to examine it, and I realized it was Nutella. I began to slightly panic and I stood up and backed a bit away from the table and I asked Harry if it was Nutella. Keep in mind, he knows about my nut allergy.
Harry began to get really offended when I expressed my concern about me possibly having an allergic reaction. He began to start accusing us of singling him out and trying to "antagonize" him which is far from the truth. He then pointed to me calling me a pussy and how I am just acting like a child. Before I could even get a word out, Harry did something that absolutely changed my opinion on him forever.
Harry grabbed the sandwich, ran his fingers through the Nutella, and moved closer to me and smeared the Nutella all over my face and mouth. The second I processed what was happening, I began to freak out and I immediately started to feel extremely light headed. Gary and Dave freaked out and Dave screamed at Harry calling him an idiot. Harry ran out of the cafeteria while everyone else in the cafeteria was looking at us.
Dave told Gary to go to the Nurse's office and get the nurse. Gary ran out to get the Nurse and he came back in less than a minute with the Nurse. We all went to the Nurse's office. The Nurse helped me and all was good and we told him about the story, and we ended up telling the principal.
The next day I was pretty much back to normal and I later found out from Gary and Dave that Harry got suspended for a month and he was warned that if he was to get in trouble again, he would be expelled. He also got into even more trouble, and ended up getting some form of a charge. (I'm not sure what the actual name of the charge was, but he did get some form of a charge.)
The charge will be on his record forever and I was shocked. Even though Harry was a complete lunatic for what he did, I do feel kind of bad. This will 100% mess up his chances of getting a job, but then again he shouldn't have done what he did. However, people can change and I'm certain Harry won't be the same as he is currently compared to being in his 20's in the future.
**Update:** Harry has now apologized to me saying how his grandmother recently passed and that it affected his day and that he hopes I am okay.
**Update 2:** I ended up sending this post to a few of my irl mates and it somehow ended up in the hands of Harry. He's now even more apologetic and is encouraging me to take down this thread as it is "awkward" for him to see.
**Update 3:** I'm making peace with Harry and I'll be removing this thread as it is just creating more unnecessary problems between the both of us. Sorry. I'll keep it up for at least an hour, but then I'll give it the boot.
ETA: Thanks u/TakeASeatChrisHansen for commenting with **Update 4**:
(From TakeASeatChrisHansens [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pw2ciz/aita_for_telling_my_on_my_friend_over_him/hh32u82?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) )
"I'm late to the game but for anyone now coming across this:
OOP didn't delete the thread and there's one more update:
>**Update 4: I have come to my senses and have cut off contact with Harry completely and have not forgiven him. We are no longer friends. Thank you all. ** "
**---Top comment and replies so far kinda summed up---**
(Note: written before 4th update)
**(I can edit the post to delete the comment details if they aren't allowed, first time posting here)**
* Pretty much saying ***100%*** **NTA**
* Harry tried to pretty much **KILL** OOP (him fleeing the scene shows he knew what he was doing or did was wrong)
* OOP shouldn't feel bad for Harry have consequences for his actions or make excuses for Harry when OOP is the victim
* he only apologized and made sure OOP was okay **AFTER** he got in trouble, *over a day later.*
* There was enough evidence to get him charged which means there was **A LOT** of evidence against him
* This isn't 'friend' behavior because Harry berated him/knew of his allergies yet did this anyway while his **TRUE** friends stayed, got the nurse and made sure he was safe/okay
* This *isn't* the first time he has done illegal or bad things, *so it probably won't be the last time something like this happens* and Harry isn't someone OOP would want to associate with.
* Henry is using his grandmothers death as a way to downsize the severity of his actions or use it as an excuse or 'reason' for them.
* **Overall that OOP** ***shouldn't be friends with him.***
**Secondary parent top comment was NTA and talked about how a boy died in the UK when a piece of cheese was thrown at him, so allergies aren't something to mess with!** | TheoryAddict | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pw2ciz/aita_for_telling_my_on_my_friend_over_him/ | pw2ciz | 6,220 | 548 | [
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2021-09-26T22:23:29 | Neighbor asks OP to please do his morning lovemaking a little more quietly... but OP has early classes, he's not doing ANY morning lovemaking. | Relationships | #The following is a repost. I am not OP.
Spoilers for the end: >!Girlfriend was cheating with neighbor's roomie. Everyone in OP's life has his back, and immature girlfriend has to face consequences for her actions.!<
This was posted to r/relationships six years ago by Reddit user u/Enort.
Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2nsy91/i_22m_suspect_something_between_my_girlfriend_22f/
I'm really freaking out right now because if what I suspect is true, this living situation is about to get really complicated. Please tell me I'm just crazy. Sorry if this is long.
Background
We are two couples living together, we all attend the same university. The apartment was originally leased by my girlfriend of about 2 years (Alexis) [22F] and our mutual friend Brooke [22F]. The apartment is huge and expensive. There was originally supposed to be 3 girls living there but the last one backed out abruptly. They were planning on moving somewhere cheaper, but they had put a lot of work into the apartment and loved it so much they hated the idea of leaving. I offered to move in when my lease was up in May so we could split the rent and utilities 3 ways. I was sleeping over often anyways. Both girls were absolutely ecstatic about the idea. Shortly before I moved in Brooke started dating my best friend Derek. This was cool because now both couples got to hang out with their best friends and SOs all at once. It seemed perfect. Derek began sleeping over a lot and when his parents sold their house and left in October, he temporarily moved in. We haven't really pushed for him to find a new place because splitting everything four ways is helping all of us so much. But again, only Alexis and Brooke are on the lease. The apartment owner surprisingly does not mind as long as rent gets paid, because we are always quiet.
There are three incidents that made me think something was up. If it weren't for these combined incidents, I would never make an accusation like this because Alexis is such a sweet and shy girl and Derek has been a brother to me. They don't seem flirty, but as I mentioned before all four of us are very close friends so we spend a lot of time together.
Incident 1
MWF Brooke and I have early classes, so we're gone by 8am. Derek and Alexis start in the afternoon so it's not unusual for them to leave together, though they usually take separate cars. One of these days, I decided to wait for Alexis outside of her class so I could surprise her with lunch. I watched everyone shuffle out of the class, but Alexis wasn't with them. I texted her asking where she was and she replied "Just got out of class, gonna go home to study" I called her to see if I had just barely missed her or something and there was no response, which I considered weird because she had just texted me second ago. She didn't answer until much later, which is also unusual for her (she's one of those girls that's often on her phone). I ran into Brooke later in the day and she mentioned in passing that Derek had stayed home sick, she was going to bring him soup, blah blah. At the time, I didn't think much of it.
When I got home later that night I noticed Alexis' car was in the exact same spot. (She usually parks in guest parking because our unit only has 3 spaces, as a result her car moves a lot). I asked her if she'd gone to class and she got quiet before sheepishly admitting to skipping because she felt the professor sucked at explaining things, but she knows I hate when she skips classes (something that's gotten her grades in trouble before, but she recently started doing better). I kissed her and said I trusted her judgment. While I was doing the dishes she explained how she probably won't skip again because being bored alone in the house was the worst. I laughed and we went about our business. At night we went to bed and as I laid there drifting off, it hit me. She shouldn't have been alone because Derek was home sick - right? She was still up on her phone so I popped awake and asked her where Derek was today since Brooke had said he was home sick. She seemed startled by the question, but that may have been from me being half asleep to suddenly wide awake with a random question. She said he was here a bit in the morning but went to do errands or something, she wasn't sure. After the other incidents, I realized that the scattered way she answered this question seemed off, but that may just be my imagination.
Incident 2
I went to throw some stuff out in the kitchen garbage when I noticed a condom wrapper that was the exact same brand Alexis and I use. It wasn't super visible, sort of tucked behind a cereal box but the distinctive color caught my eye. Brooke and Derek always use a different brand (free from the university health center while ours are expensive Trojans). It was weird because we usually keep the wrappers in our respective room's garbage cans so they never appear in the kitchen. Furthermore, because of exams and general stress Alexis and I hadn't slept together in a few days. I didn't really dig around for a used condom or anything, I just went back to the room to check if any of ours were missing. I really couldn't tell, because we buy in bulk. My first thought was that Brooke and Derek had ran out and broke into our stash and I was upset that they hadn't even asked. Later that night I mentioned the condom wrapper to Alexis and her eyes got wide. When I mentioned my theory she got unusually distressed (she's always very calm) and went on a rant about them violating our privacy. I suggested we talk to them about it and she immediately shut the idea down and made me swear not to bring it up unless they did it again. She didn't want to have this awkward conversation, which was weird to me because we're all generally pretty open about sex given that we live together. Though it is possible that Alexis was being genuine because she's from a conservative small town and she doesn't talk about these things as much as we do.
Incident 3
Me and Derek are cool with the dudes in the apartment next to us, who are graduates from our university. We don't hang out or anything, but we have the kind of relationship where we make small talk about sports or whatever in the hall and are comfortable asking the other to keep it down without it being awkward. Last Monday (during our break) I was locking up when no one else was at the apartment, when I ran into one of the guys from next door. We talked football for a bit and then he mentioned that one of the couples in the apartment is really a fan of morning sex and that the walls were way too thin. I laughed because Alexis and I usually had sex weekend mornings when we had the house to ourselves (Brooke and Derek usually spend weekends at her parents house about an hour and a half away). The more I thought about it later in the day, the more I realized we hadn't been having morning sex in about a month, on the weekends it had been more towards the evening or not at all. Did he mean on weekdays?! My heart sort of dropped. I kind of want to ask him to elaborate but the conversation ended and I feel like I missed my chance. Plus its a weird thing to ask and I feel like I must be being paranoid.
So there you have it r/relationships. Am I crazy? Am I looking for signs that aren't there or is something up? And if so how do I proceed? I don't want to ask her just yet because 1) I don't want to come off as crazy and jealous if nothings up 2) If something is up, I don't want them to start hiding it better. I was thinking of dropping by one of those mornings they're alone together but I don't know how to time it right. If I drop by too early or late they might get more cautious.
TL;DR: Several ambiguous incidents have lead me to suspect my girlfriend and best friend may be sleeping together, but I don't know if I'm imagining things.
#Part 2
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2o0l1n/update_i_22m_suspect_something_between_my/
A lot of you requested an update to my original post.
The majority of you suggested that I speak to Brooke and/or attempt to walk in on the act. I decided on doing both.
Sunday night everyone was back in the apartment. I had every intention of speaking to Brooke about the neighbor's comment alone, but before I could she said something that completely threw my theory off. She told Derek to get to bed so he wouldn't be tired for work in the morning. What. I knew Derek has a job on campus, but he had always worked the same night shifts. Being as casual as possible, I inquired how long he'd been working mornings and when he started. He said he picked up the extra shifts a month ago and worked at 9. (I leave at 7:45 so it's possible for me not to have noticed that). I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out whether he was lying about that, whether still he had some mornings here at home, whether Alexis could be seeing someone other than Derek in the mornings (like some of you suggested) or (again) if I was just a paranoid loser. I went to bed feeling emotionally drained and confused.
The next morning I left for classes as usual and operated on autopilot. I alternated between thinking I'd run home to check on Alexis and thinking I had way too much work to run around based on a theory that I wasn't even sure about anymore. In the end, I walked out of my first class and straight to my car to go home. In a weird way, I sort of wish I hadn't.
When I got to the apartment Derek's car wasn't there, just Alexis'. I walked to the apartment with my heart pounding all sorts of crazy. I don't know what I was expecting. Outside the apartment door I could immediately here a guy's voice inside. I heard him talking and laughing and a soft feminine mumble replying and giggling back. I've been on this subreddit long enough to see all the different reactions people have to this situation. I never once contemplated what I'd do. I pressed my ear to the door and see if I could make out what they were saying, but I could only make out a word here and there. There was a lot of giggling. Then, I heard the sound of Alexis being tickled and shrieking. Maybe I should've waited more. In retrospect I wish I did, but I couldn't take it. As soon as I started fiddling with my keys, it was dead silence in there.
She was fucking Mark. I never mentioned Mark in the previous post but he's one the guys in the apartment next to us (not the one that tipped me off). He's the only one I never liked. Fucking know-it-all douchebag attitude. Always made inappropriate comments towards both girls. Never thought anything of it. As soon as I opened the door, they both gave me a deer-in-headlights look that removed any naiive doubt I may have retained that the situation was innocent. I was planning on yelling at them or demanded answers, but (and this is fucking embarrassing) my eyes began to well with tears. I didn't want them to see that shit. So I said "Nice. Real fucking nice." and bolted back to my car.
I heard Alexis yelling my name in the hallway and picked up the pace. I sort of expected her to be chasing me but by the time I got to the car there was no one following me. I drove to a park that's near the apartment and sat there in disbelief. My first thought, weirdly enough was How is my family going to take this? What the hell am I going to tell them? My family fucking loved Alexis. They joked about our wedding and regularly called her part of the family. Then I started thinking about living arrangements. Our finals end in about two weeks, there's no way I can handle moving now. I'm applying to an extremely competitive graduate program and I can't let anything get in the way of that. Definitely not this cheating bitch.
I'm writing this from a friend's house. I explained the situation, he explained it to his parents and they welcomed me to stay in their home. I'm going to have to go back home to get some clothes sometime. I'm planning on going during this lab period I know Alexis can't skip tomorrow. It took her an hour or so to start blowing up my phone, but once she did it didn't stop. She started off asking me to come home so she could explain. Before I even had the chance to respond she sent another one begging me to come back because she was having an anxiety attack, something I always help her through. Maybe I'm heartless, but all I could think was good, you earned it. There was a pause and then she sent "I don't know why you get so jealous, we were just hanging out." I waited. She sent "Look, I know it looks super sketchy, believe me if I were you I'd think the same thing, but we didn't do anything. He needed advice on his girl problems. You have to believe me." No, no I don't. Normally I would have gotten a weird sense of satisfaction watching a cheater scramble to cover their ass, but my stupid brain just kept replaying all these great times we had together and wondering if she was cheating then too. I want to know when this started, but at the same time I'm worried it's been going on for longer than the month I've suspected something.
I received a text later that night from a number I didn't recognize. It was the nice dude from next door. He said (paraphrasing because it was a long text) that he got my number from Derek. He was extremely sorry for what I was going through and that he would have told me sooner but he wasn't completely sure. He said he knew his friend was seeing a girl with a boyfriend, but didn't put it together until he learned the girl's name. As many of you suspected, the comment was him trying to tip me off. So yeah, I guess he's bro of the year.
I don't think Derek and Brooke know yet. I haven't texted them. I haven't found the words. I know it's going to turn our living arrangement and friendships upside down. I guess I should message them before Alexis paints a different picture. I wonder what the cool neighbor said when he asked for my number. I don't think he told them, the would have said something... Right? Unless they took her side. Then I've lost my girlfriend and friends.
Any advice on coping with something like this, especially from those who have been there before, please let me know. I don't have many friends to reach out to besides the guy I'm staying with. Alexis, Brooke and Derek were basically my family. Alexis and I had talked about spending our lives together. I have never been serious about a girl the way I was with her.
EDIT: I am seriously moved by the amount of support you guys are giving me here. Please keep them coming, I may not reply to all the comments but I've read each one on both posts. I'm going to tell Derek and Brooke soon. I'll try to do a follow up when I have some sort of plan.
TL;DR She was cheating, but it wasn't with Derek. I'm shattered.
#Part 3
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2oi4im/update_2_i_22m_suspect_something_between_my/
You wonderful motherfuckers. Between the comments to both posts and my inbox I have an immense collection of personalized pep talks, which I am referring to whenever I feel down (admittedly, a lot these days). I got advice/stories from all sorts of people - married, single, old, young... Wow. I never thought the internet would bring me this level of support. I just want you guys to know that by just typing up some comments you have made a very real difference in someone's life. Gotta say it feels a little strange receiving 6 reddit gold and making it to /r/bestof just for sharing the worst day of my life, haha.
I got a lot of messages urging me to join redpill. This experience has soured my view of Alexis. Not women in general.
I got some messages saying I write too well and this is obviously made up. I have two words for you: I wish.
A clarification on the last update: I wasn't clear about what I see when I walked in. They weren't literally fucking, they were just sitting on the couch with a deer-in-headlights look that was incredibly incriminating and they both went quiet. It was just obviously not a "hey, guess who dropped by" situation.
Anyways, onto the update. I've been extremely busy with the semester ending and I took the majority's advice to bury my head in work. I've spent a lot of time at the library because Alexis never goes there.
In the process of posting the last update I realized how dumb it was that I hadn't contacted Derek and Brooke with my side. I screen-shotted the text from the cool neighbor, Will. (Side note: all names have been changed except Mark because fuck you Mark). Within the minute Derek was blowing up my phone with calls and texts that made it very apparent he didn't know anything. At the same time Alexis was sending texts begging me to meet up with her. I was feeling miserable and sent back a single text to Derek saying I wasn't feeling up to talking, then put my phone away for the night. In the morning I got a text saying to meet him at my favorite restaurant for dinner and drinks on him, assuring me that no one would be there "not even Brooke." I haven't had any appetite since everything went down, but the offer meant a lot and I really did want to see him so I decided to go after classes.
I got to the restaurant first and I had my heart in my throat worrying that Alexis would somehow be there, but she wasn't. Derek came up to me and gave me a big hug and opened with "Dude, what the fuck." So here's where shit gets a bit crazy and dramatic. A lot of you suggested that Brooke might side with Alexis or had been covering up for her the whole time. I wasn't so sure, because while she is closer to Alexis, her and I have been friends for a bit longer. According to Derek, as soon as he told Brooke she was absolutely furious. In his words: "I sort of wanted to bitch Alexis out but Brooke took care of that... and then some." Remember how I said Alexis came from a conservative small town? Her parents had NO idea that we were living together and she constantly stressed that they couldn't know or they'd cut her off financially. They liked me enough to be polite, but they were constantly worried a relationship would distract her from school and didn't want her getting pregnant or whatever. Derek said that Brooke demanded Alexis pack her things and find a new place or she'd call up her parents and tell them everything. Derek told me that later that night Alexis was sitting in the living room hugging a sweater I'd left behind and wailing at the top of her lungs that her life was over when Brooke yelled from her bedroom "Well maybe you shouldn't have fucked Mark then." Imagining that moment was kind of funny. Brooke's always been a very no-nonsense girl with a hot temper, but I definitely didn't expect this. It was extremely touching that she took the cheating that seriously. During that dinner all my fears that I'd lost my friends were completely washed away and I was able to choke down a few pieces of sushi.
When we left dinner, Derek promised to let me know when Alexis was gone so I could move back in. I declined his offer, because 1) Even if she does move out everything in that apartment reminds me of her including Derek and Brooke 2) Alexis and Mark probably fucked in my room, so I really don't want to sleep in it 3) In the current emotional state I'm in I don't want to be third-wheeling a happy couple, even though I'm sure they'd be considerate. He understood my points but said to let him know if I changed my mind, because Brooke and Alexis' friendship seems to be pretty over.
This week has been pretty uneventful, but I keep having to dodge Alexis. Luckily, I'm in an undergraduate program that only has 60 students so we have a lot of our classes together. I asked two friends to keep an eye out for her after giving them a sparknotes of the story, and started showing up to class at the last minute. As far as I know, she only waited outside of one of my classes. I got a text saying "Bitch has been spotted in front of (classroom). Waterworks in progress. Proceed with caution." I ended up skipping the class, because I didn't know if she was going to leave and I really didn't want to risk it.
Later that night she sent me a really long Facebook message explaining everything from the beginning and it sort of made me sick to read, I contemplating not reading it but once I opened it I just had to. She said that he'd been flirty with her in the halls (as I mentioned before, he would say inappropriate shit to both girls) and she tried to be friendly back, but it must have come off as flirting because he kissed her mid-sentence one day. She said she felt guilty that she "led him on" and that guilt prevented her from shooting him down in future advances because she felt like it was her fault it happened and she has trouble saying no (???) She said they'd only slept together 3 times and she hated it, he had pushed her into it ("not rape, but..idk I never said yes either") and she was going to end it during the conversation I walked in on. She said she understood if I needed some time and some space but that she'd do absolutely anything to "make it right" and would spend the rest of her life making it up to me by:
- Treating me like a king, I'd never have to cook, clean or do my laundry again
- Give me full access to her phone and passwords. She even suggested we install Life360 (an app that allows you to track someone's location through their phone) so I would know where she is at all times.
- Cut off all contact with Mark and all her male friends (just for good measure, I guess?)
- Makeup sex whenever I wanted
Yeah, that sounds like a healthy relationship - right? I didn't answer. I kind of wanted to keep her on Facebook and watch the shit show unfold (she was posting dramatic statuses and song lyrics about mistakes, forgiveness and some from "our song") but I know how I am, I don't want to compulsively check her page or go through old photos. So I blocked her. Derek sent me a text a few hours later saying "She's crying and screaming about you blocking her LOL"
In happier news, the family I'm staying with is fantastic. I felt a little guilty about taking up their space, electricity, etc. so I offered to put down rent and pay for some bills (I am unemployed but my family gives me a decent allowance for rent and food) but they declined. The dad said "First month's free. If you need more time here then we'll talk about it." and winked. My friend was telling me that they have hosted his and his sister's troubled friends so it wasn't a big deal. Still, I'm unbelievably grateful.
As for Will, (awesome neighbor) I called him to thank him for everything. I wasn't up to inviting him for dinner just yet, but I will. He apologized profusely. He says he can't stand Mark, not just for what he did with Alexis but various other things that I won't go into. He told me that Mark has been unusually quiet the past few days and told another one of the guys that he had gotten dumped. Whatever. I don't want to think about it.
So that's really all I have for you guys. I'm still going to be friends with Derek and Brooke but I'm going to limit my contact with them because they remind me of Alexis so much. I sent Brooke a message thanking her for kicking Alexis out and she said she'd do it regardless of whether or not I move back in. She's going to give me a heads up on when Alexis is gone so I can get the rest of my things. In the mean time I'm spending a lot of time studying, applying to grad schools, and hanging out with the guy I'm living with. Earlier this week I posted onto my university's Facebook group searching for roommates for next semester and I already have a few replies. I'm going to wait until after finals to tell my parents about the situation because my mom asks a million questions about everything and I'm not in the mood to answer them.
Again, thank you thank you thank you for all the messages. I didn't not expect this level of attention and while it has made me a bit paranoid someone will recognize the story from the details - fuck it I needed the support.
I fucking love you guys.
TL;DR: Brooke is kicking Alexis out and Derek is still my buddy. I'm doing okay given the circumstances, and I'll hopefully be finding a new apartment next month.
#Part 4
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2s8eir/update_3_i_22m_suspect_something_between_my/
Well, I really wasn't planning on updating but a lot of you have prodded for one and I do owe you guys after all the wonderful support I received.
Once finals ended (I did well given the circumstances), everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, almost worse than the initial insult. I removed all my social media pictures with her, threw out stuff that reminded me of her, took our songs off my playlists, yadda yadda . We've been inseparable since we met so this was over two years of accumulated memories. Long story short, it was very hard but I had an urge to get it all done before the new year. That whole cliche new year, new me thing... I guess. I don't know.
Anyways one particular redditor sent me a message about how Alexis might be driven to suicide now that she's lost everything (her closest friends, her boyfriend and her apartment). I know that seems like an overdramatic prediction, but I couldn't get it out of my mind after reading it. What Alexis did was absolutely freaking terrible, but I felt like a final conversation might give me better closure and maybe help her understand that its completely over and get her to move on. So I planned to meet with her before everyone went home for break. A lot of you were big on the icing her out, so I'm genuinely sorry to disappoint but I had to do this for me.
I sent Alexis "If you want to talk, we can meet up somewhere... But there's no way we can be together after what happened so please don't ask, okay?" She responded almost immediately asking when and where. We arranged to met at an off campus coffee place. When I got there she was already at a table and got up to hug me. I waved her away and she jerked back like a puppy that had been kicked. I felt shitty immediately, but I wanted to get it over with. We made some stupid small talk, she asked how I'd been, how were finals, etc. But I sort of interrupted it. I asked her if she had been unhappy with our relationship. Her eyes got real wide and she said "No no no.." a bunch off times and got quiet. So I asked her why if she wasn't unhappy. Basically she retold the story about having trouble saying no and him being so pushy. I stopped her and asked her to cut the BS and just take responsibility. That maybe it excused her actions up until he "kissed her midsentence" but sex three times?! Yeah.. no. She looked down, shrugged and muttered "You're right, I know." At this point she started tearing up and said she was so sorry, that I'd never understand how sorry she was. Then she asked if there was any chance we could be together again, which I was kind of expecting even though I told her not to. I just shook my head. I told her she could still live with Derek and Brooke if she wanted to, but she declined and told me she already had plans to move in with another girl friend of hers. From here on out the conversation went in circles with her trying to explain away her actions with her difficulty turning down guys due to her fear of being seen as a frigid bitch and me trying to get her to admit that excuse was garbage. I don't know why, I just really needed her to stop using that crutch and admit she had ruined a perfectly good relationship with a very real future all on her own. But she just wouldn't. She was always stubborn. Finally, I let it go and we parted ways somewhat amicably. As I was leaving she grabbed my hand and parted her lips to say something but ended up shaking her head and letting go. The conversation made me feel worse than I had before at first, but ultimately it really made me see that she was never the kind of person I wanted to be with even without the cheating. She never took responsibility for anything (failed classes were because the professor was incompetent, not finding a job/internship was bad luck and not her lack of effort, etc.). I just never really thought about it too hard. I think I was still in the honeymoon stage or something (something = I'm an idiot sometimes).
So at this point I leave the coffee place and ask Derek to hang out. I ended up going to the apartment and although Brooke was there she mostly stayed in her room. We drank some beers and played some video games, it really cheered me up. We also talked a bit about everything that happened. He admitted that they hadn't been able to find a third roommate (aside from complete strangers they'd rather not move in) and asked me again to stay with them. I could tell he really wanted me to and I felt guilty about them being stuck with the lease so I accepted. I told them I needed to wait until Alexis took all her things though. The furniture is hers from before I even moved in and I still don't want to sleep in that bed. Also, Brooke apologized for getting so involved in the situation and yelling at Alexis. Apparently her stepdad had cheated on her mom and it's a sore subject for her. I told her I genuinely didn't mind and she was welcome to do it again if the mood struck her.
I also bought Will some food and drinks at a great place near campus. A lot of you wanted to know the other shit Mark had done that had Will so pissed off. Apparently he had to be harassed to pay rent, claimed he couldn't contribute to any of the household expenses (like dish soap, lightbulbs, cleaning supplies), and regularly came in yelling and laughing at odd hours and agreeing to keep it down then carrying on at the same volume. The standard douchebag roommate crap, really. Will is a really cool guy, we talked a lot about the situation with Alexis but also about school and sports. It was actually pretty fun.
I eventually did tell my folks about the situation and, as expected, my mom bombarded me with a thousand questions and cried a lot. So that was fun. Going home made me feel a little better but my older brother got engaged on Christmas Eve and given the recent circumstances I wasn't as excited for him as I should have been, which made me feel like a shitty sibling. Plus it's all my family can talk about now and I'm just not in the mood.
Life isn't perfect now, but I'm doing better. Alexis moved her shit out and I bought a secondhand bed and dresser off another student. I had my first round of classes last week and although I'm going to sound like a total nerd - the courses are really cool, hands on and the professors are incredibly cool people. Derek and Brooke have been really supportive and don't make me feel like a third wheel at all. I saw Mark in the hallway once and he totally ignored me and I ignored him, but the urge to punch him in the face was very real. I guess that's something that will go away over time. I almost wanted to call him out on the whole thing but with the kind of person Will had described, the conversation would have gotten me nowhere and probably pissed me off more.
Sorry this update isn't as exciting as the previous ones. Thank you for your love and support Reddit. It really, really helped me through such a bad time.
TL;DR: Alexis made more excuses and then moved out. I moved back in. My friends are great and I'm on the path to recovering from the whole ordeal. | tsabracadabra | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pw3raj/neighbor_asks_op_to_please_do_his_morning/ | pw3raj | 31,483 | 2,565 | [
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2021-09-27T02:46:20 | OP's wife was suffering so much with her pregnancy she wanted an abortion | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not OOP. Original in* r/relationship_advice
Mood update: >!happy!!<
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[\[33/m\] My new wife (34/f) wants an abortion](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pusvwg/33m_my_new_wife_34f_wants_an_abortion/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
We always wanted to have a kid or two. After dating 2.5 years we tried for 4 months to get pregnant. Then we did, and we were SO excited about it. Her employment offers no health insurance, and so we got married-on-paper to cover the upcoming medical bills.
But the first trimester has been brutal on her. She is nauseated all the time, and the meds that make the nausea better make her super drowsy. She's fed up and miserable with the symptoms and side effects, and no longer wants to go through the process and the threat to her autonomy that it poses. She wants an abortion, and to never try again.
I'm pro-choice. I believe whole-heartedly in her body, her choice. But I also invested myself into a relationship with the expectation of having a family with at least one child of our own. I feel ... betrayed, and sick.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. A discussion, I guess. I just got done telling all my friends the great news and how excited I am, I don't feel ready to inflict this whiplash on them as well, so idk Internet. What am I supposed to do now?
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[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pw4d0r/update_my_new_wife_wanted_an_abortion/)
Just wanted to say thank you to all of the kindness and understanding and support I received over here on the original post. It helped so much that I really wanted to provide an update for all the deeply-concerned folks that got us through a tough episode. A lot of commenters were absolutely on the money: the drugs were the problem. She had been prescribed Doxylamine-Pyridoxine for her nausea which was lasting all day every day. It helped with some of her nausea, but also absolutely knocked her out. She was incapable of taking care of herself properly or performing at her job.
It also took her mind and emotions to a very dark place over about 5 days. She was miserable and angry and closed off. She became like a different person, and to me it seemed our entire past of planning for, getting excited about, actively trying and then celebrating the pregnancy had just vanished in a week. At the community's recommendation and by the skin of our teeth I was able to get her a script for Zofran. After a very serious talk last night about the possibility of terminating the pregnancy, and her insisting that's what she now wanted, I convinced her to take the Zofran and ditch the Doxylamine. She took the pill and we went to bed.
When we woke up this morning, she'd completely come back. Like Rin Tin Tin my wife came back to life. Her nausea was all but gone, her energy levels back to normal, she was goofing off and playing with our dog like she normally would, and she ate a whole breakfast. We had sex for the first time in weeks. We've talked more today, and her feelings about terminating the pregnancy have evaporated. She is so much happier, more hopeful, and more confident that she can get through this with the help of this medicine. We're back to being on the same page, both so excited about our new family next Spring.
Thank you thank you thank you for pointing me in that direction. I love my wife dearly and I felt like I'd lost her and our future together, but it looks much brighter now.
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Mini update in the comments, showing there's still some fine tuning to be done.
[Base comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pw4d0r/comment/heeuqt5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I’m so glad she’s feeling better, OP. Being that nauseous is rough, but the side effects can definitely be brutal. Be mindful that Zofran can be constipating (especially on top of the iron in prenatal vitamins). It might be worth her talking to her OB about a regular course of Miralax, just to keep things…ahem…moving.
[OOP's response:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pw4d0r/comment/hef3ghy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
That IS the next frontier. I consider it an improvement, but yeah, it's been 48 hours since a poo. Just drove out to the store and picked up some prunes, prune plums, and Miralax. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pw83vy/ops_wife_was_suffering_so_much_with_her_pregnancy/ | pw83vy | 4,479 | 889 | [
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2021-09-27T15:24:52 | It's not about the mess (the Ravioli story) | AITA | I read this on AITA when it was first posted, but didn't see the updates until today! Thought I'd share in case other people missed the updates too. I'm on mobile, so I'll try to keep it from being a text wall but let me know if I need to format it better!
Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
My SIL (Ashley) is, for lack of a nicer word, obnoxious. She constantly does whatever she wants, even when you ask her not to. She thinks she's right above everyone else, even when she's dead wrong. And she's just got this very stereotypical baby sister attitude where she acts like she can do whatever she wants and nobody is allowed to be mad at her because "she's baby!" (yes that's something she regularly says). My husband says she's the youngest of their family so her acting that way is normal. But I pointed out I'm the youngest of my family and I've never acted that way. I don't like SIL but I've been polite and kept a peaceful relationship for my husband's sake.
Until today. Today was the first time since 2019 that my husband or I have been able to see our small friend group in person. We all got our shots 2 months ago and decided to meet up finally for dinner. I cooked while our friends either pitched in ingredients, made appetizers, or brought wine. I made pasta ravioli by hand, which was HARD. I made enough for me, hubs, and our friends. But after they arrived and we all caught up while I was finishing the food SIL showed up. She let herself in and greeted everyone happily. They know her and said hi, but I subtly asked Hubs what she was doing here. Turns out he'd mentioned the gathering to her and he guessed she assumed she was invited? I told him to tell her to leave, because she can't just invite herself like this. He said that would be humiliating for her and asked if she could stay. I was annoyed but agreed.Things were fine at the start, I had a few sips of wine to relax and was about to plate everyone's food at the kitchen island and bring it to them but forgot parmesan so went to get it. I heard SIL say she'd help bring the food to the table, I said no thanks and to stay seated. My back was to her and she said something I missed because of the loud CLANG of a pot hitting the floor. I heard everyone gasp and I closed my eyes. I knew what happened but didn't want to look. When I did I just started crying. HOURS of work splattered on the floor. SIL said it was okay, it was "just some pasta, I'll buy more".
I lost it. I called her a stupid bitch that ruined the entire dinner because she refuses to listen. She started boo-hooing and I told her to shut up and leave. She ran out crying and I sat down to cry too.
Our friends consoled me and Hubs tried to say I went too far but our friends told him he was an asshole and SIL was in the wrong. They helped clean and we ordered pizza. But after they left Hubs and I were flooded with calls from his family saying I was a horrible spoiled brat who made their baby cry over some stupid food. Now I'm just crying and feeling like garbage. Did I go too far? I don't usually get so angry or curse. AITA?
***edit-***Hubs said he understands I'm upset the food was wasted but he doesn't think my outburst was warranted and was actually kind of extreme. Tomorrow is his off day and I told him he's going to be making the dish like I did, by hand and on his own and then at the end we'll see if he thinks my 'outburst' was unwarranted.
***edit two-***welp! Hubs made pasta for the first time today! And it went much like I'd anticipated. He was all confidence and 'it'll be easy!' during the first 30 minutes. But towards the end of the first hour that disappeared as the burn in his arms really set in from making enough dough for almost 60 ravioli. I did not lift a finger to help him knead since I didn't get any help when I did it.
After the dough was done and wrapped up in the fridge he made the filling, which took another 40 or so minutes. Then the dough was brought out and he had to start crafting the ravioli, all by hand after rolling the dough out. Lord that went on for ages. Just rolling some dough out, cutting out squares, filling them and putting the top on, rinse and repeat until the dough and filling was all gone.
All in all the entire process from start to finish for him on his own took a little over 4 hours! :) And that's with us not actually COOKING any of the ravioli. Also he didn't make any sauce or cook any shrimp for the ravioli to be served in/with. Also he didn't prepare any salad to go with it. And when I told him this (that there was still more to do) he almost started crying.
He started saying sorry at the 1 hour mark and hasn't stopped apologizing since.
We had a long talk about his sister and the dinner she ruined, the other times she's pulled similar incidents (there's a lot), and how him and his family always let her get away with it. He says he knows how they treat her isn't normal and he doesn't like it but was raised to just 'go with the flow' regarding Ashley. But he said he's going to call her and tell her we need some space from her for now.
update? Hubs just got a message from his cousin of Ashley laughing and bragging about intentionally spilling the pasta to 'teach me a lesson' for being 'such a snobby bitch'. A handful of you all thought she did it on purpose but I didn't actually think she did until hearing her admit to it.
I have never seen my husband this pissed off before. Idk what's going to happen now... | combatsncupcakes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwjf34/its_not_about_the_mess_the_ravioli_story/ | pwjf34 | 5,618 | 3,759 | [
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2021-09-27T15:41:06 | AITA for getting angry at being told "I'm not a parent"? | AITA | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f6kdpy/aita_for_getting_angry_at_being_told_im_not_a/) *is by* [u/Capital-Guard](https://www.reddit.com/user/Capital-Guard/)
The background: Twelve years ago, my best friend passed away during our last year of university. The accident shook us all, and no one more than his wife (A), who was at that point four months pregnant. All three of us had been incredibly close friends.
She couldn't do it alone, and her family lived 2000 miles away. After speaking to her about it, I made a decision. I was the more financially stable of the two of us - I'd secured a position at a law firm (this is in the UK) and had some inheritance from my grandparents. So, I became that base of support. I took A to the doctor's, helped her with rent, got her groceries etc. When the twins were born, I moved onto her couch for three months, helping in any way I could.
For the next four years, it worked like this: we lived separately, but I'd spend half the week at hers, helping with the kids. From diapers to preschool, I was there. I was never officially their parent - no papers were signed, but I gave emotional, practical and financial support. When they began schooling, I was listed as a "non parental guardian".
I was then offered a promotion, which included a lot of travel. Again, A and I spoke, and I decided to take it. I spent the next 2 years making it back once a month. I'd spend 3-5 days with them, then leave again. For 2 years after that, the balance became half and half travel/home. For the past 4 years, I've used the UK as a hub, doing business trips, and have gone back to spending 3/4 days a week with them.
To be clear: this whole thing has never been romantic. Both she and I have seen other people, and in the past year she's found a very nice guy who both the kids like, which is great.
The issue at hand: I've always tried to be there for the kids' big events. School plays, birthdays, tournaments, etc. I've been to parent-teacher meetings, taken them to the doctor.
Recently, their school had set up a show/fundraising thing, where the parents are invited to come and donate generously. I assumed I was going, and set aside time, but when I broached the subject with A, she said she wanted her partner to come.
I said that we could all go. She said it was "parents only". I said, jokingly, that he wasn't really the kids' parent, to which she said "Well, technically neither are you".
At that point, I got angry, feeling that was deeply unfair. We got into a fight, and it ended with me being told I wouldn't be welcome at the event. I left, and we haven't spoken since.
I get that she's their mother. She has a genetic and legal position that I don't, and I'm not angry about her wanting her partner to come to the event. Being told that "I wasn't a parent" though... that hurts, a lot. I think it's mostly the fact that for me, the way she said it really seemed to imply that I wasn't important in their lives, and I think I was justified in reacting.
But that's why I'm here. So, Reddit, AITA?
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[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gpsuep/update_aita_for_getting_angry_at_being_told_im/)
Well, it's been a long several months, and a lot has happened, so I thought I'd give Reddit an update.
There were a lot of NTA's and NAH's on the last post, but a lot of "you're not their parent"'s as well. A mixed field, but a fair assessment.
For the record, I did not attend the show, but was delighted by the pictures. After, as many of you lovely redditors pointed out, the best thing to do was to talk to A. We'd been best friends for over a decade. I'm happy to report, we continue to be. I'll give the short of the situation.
A and I spoke, a lot. It started with little steps, but we got to the big issues: our link, my link with the kids, her new partner, the whole deal. Little by little, we got things set straight, and where we both sit on them. As some of you rightly guessed, there was a lot to untangle, but fifteen years of friendship saw us through. The next phase was talking to the kids. First A, then us together. I'd already gone back to seeing them, and as I mentioned before, their welfare has always been the priority. Surprisingly, the conversation was more straightforward than it had been with A. Somewhere in the middle, we also spoke (there was a lot of speaking) with A's partner (who I will be calling B). The beginning wasn't the smoothest, but we got there.
Here's what came out of it. The truth of the matter is, I'm not the twins' biological father, but what we realised was that somewhere in the past twelve years of sharing our lives, and despite trying so hard not to overstep boundaries, I fell into the role. I can't separate myself, and they don't want me to. So slowly, we've been working on what this new, unconventional normality looks like. B has been a surprising godsend in all of this - I really think A's found a good guy. I'm still mostly called by my nickname, but the slips have gone uncorrected. In the meantime, B's gotten his own moniker.
A little way down the line in all of this, Covid-19 became a thing, so we decided to take a big jump - I moved in, for the duration of quarantine - it was easier than moving their whole household into my flat. No better way to put an arrangement to the test. I'm back to my university days of sleeping on the couch, working at the kitchen table, and cooking every dinner. I've stopped not one, but two doomed attempts at self-dyeing hair, and had a conversation with one twin about taking my surname when he's older (he thinks it makes his name sound cooler, I've said that we'll ask his mum).
So Reddit, I hope that this can bring a bit of joy to the AITA community. It's not easy, we're adjusting, and we know that this will remain unconventional. However, the kids are happy, and we adults are too.
PS: To the redditor who named me as the "Intercontinental-Super-Uncle-Warbucks": when this is all over, I'm getting that on a mug.
Edit: Thank you all so much for the well wishes! I'm glad to have been able to share this lovely update with you all.
Edit II: A lot of you lovely folks have inquired about adoption. In the UK, there is no option to adopt someone you are not related to unless you a. Apply for an Adoption Order, which would sever the link with the living parent or b. Are the partner of their living parent. As can be seen, neither would work for our case. However, we figured out a system a long time ago, and it includes what to do if anything were to befall A - the kids' safety is always ensured, I promise. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwjr4z/aita_for_getting_angry_at_being_told_im_not_a/ | pwjr4z | 6,682 | 707 | [
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2021-09-27T15:46:33 | "Me 17M believe my mom 42F is having an affair with her personal trainer 27M I decided to play detective and got some info, but still not sure even though I feel pretty confident alltough hestitant to tell my dad 44M since I really am not sure yet." + update | Relationship_Advice | *I am not OP*
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p1jljk/me_17m_believe_my_mom_42f_is_having_an_affair/?sort=new)
So yeah found this out since mom have started to act weird lately she started working out because she wanted to get into shape about a year ago she worked maybe once or twice a week but then she worked out from monday to saturday.
Nothing unusual but mom got very fit and she started getting attention from guys she was increasingly more happy which my dad had no problem with and seemed happy that she was happy.
Mom started acting kind of weird I asked dad before I found out if he felt mom had been acting weird and he brushed it off and just said she feels good about herself and genuienly was happy for her.
Mom has been more affectionate and I was not sure what the hell was goin on she is not mom anymore and almost felt like she switched brains with somebody else.
It was getting disturbing and one day I got curious when she said she would late from work and frankly it had been bugging me for months, so decided to bike over one evening to where she was "working" the car was nowhere in sight, no lights in the building (her workplace has two floors) and even checked the local parking garage every damn floor no cars.
I decided to go home and could not sleep this was a friday and then on saturday I had confessed to a friend what I might be suspecting, he suggested I use the find my iphone app.
I asked mom if I could borrow her phone to look something up since mine was not charged she unlocked it and I enabled the app and she had her apple password stored on the computer, I used to be allowed to rent a movie on there when I was younger so I knew the password to her apple account.
Anyways she left for "work" praying she did not turn of mobile data I logged in and saw that the phone was nowhere near her workplace instead she was in a neighbourhood across town.
I googled the adress and found out a man lived there and searched for the name on FB one mutual friend guess who ? and saw he worked as a PT at the gym were my mom went.
Now I was fairly certain that something was not right I screenshotted the find my iphone map and the information I had still no evidence she was actually cheating but I felt I had enough.
She had lied to dad about working late and what the fuck is she doing at her PT place on a saturday night.
Should I tell dad about this and show him what I have now, or do I keep digging because I am fairly certain she is cheating I still have not confronted mom about it.
I am of course gonna tell him if that's the case but accusing mom of cheating when I am not a 100% sure, but what other possible reason could she have for lying to dad and then being at her PT on a saturday night when she was supposed to working late.
And to all who judge me for digging nope not sorry, it was bugging me so badly I could not take it anymore.
UPDATE
Hey everybody I decided to follow the advice and told my dad and showed him what I had of evidence, mom came home and decided to let dad take it from here.
She admitted to the affair and I told mom what my role in all of this was and that I had suspected something was off for quite awhile.
I told dad he suspected something was off but I was the one who told him.
Dad was very calm no yelling or screaming he just calmly asked her what she wanted (yes I was listening) and then she said she wanted to try to save the marriage.
She came up and talked to me and I admitted my role in all of this and how I had suspected something was off for quite awhile, told her I was sorry but you were acting very strangely and it was driving me nuts.
Mom just asked me why I did all of this I just responded funny I was about to ask you the same thing, dad does not deserve this I said and she said no he does not and she was sorry.
I also explained how her behaviour lately was getting on my nerves and how it was bugging me.
You were never that affectionate you started giving me a kiss on cheek more hugging part of me wondered if you were taking drugs.
So yeah that was weird for me I said hell even my friends thought you were acting strangely and I got questions at school from people wondering what has happened to you.
I am letting them figure this out now I am doing okay with this and if a divorce happens there is not gonna be a custody issue since I turn 18 in december.
So for me things will not change that much, dad and I decided to go see a movie later in the evening ,we saw suicide squad had already seen it but it was fun seeing it with him.
Me and dad use to go movies a lot he is a movie buff, and we had not been because of covid so it was fun seeing a movie with him again.
All in all my dad is gonna be okay so am I, dad made it clear to me do not be mean to mom and treat her with respect she is still your mom and she loves you.
Yeah I said I will and that was that.
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pw8dvw/final_update_me_17m_believe_my_mom_42f_is_having/)
Hey just wanted to give a quick update since so many have asked.
I am doing okay and so is my dad, mom moved out of the house a two weeks ago and we have not really spoken since except for a few texts.
She got her own place and told mom I would stay with dad even though she keeps asking me to come over for dinner every sunday, just told mom I need some time away from her and she just texted ok back.
Dad asked if I wanted to stay with mom this weekend but told him no, I am honestly relieved she is out of the house.
They are still technically married but they are still divorcing, I told mom I will be staying with dad until december when I turn 18 and she agreed.
So that's it not sure anything else is gonna happen really, I guess my mom wants to stay in touch but I am just avoiding her for now.
So not the most exciting update but that's what happened.
And yes I am seeing a therapist since my dad convinced me to speak to somebody. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwjv2r/me_17m_believe_my_mom_42f_is_having_an_affair/ | pwjv2r | 6,016 | 578 | [
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2021-09-27T17:44:55 | A woman in the UK asks if her SO and his mom can legally force her to open a joint bank account and give her SO access to all her money. "GET OUT!!" Redditors scream back in one breath. | legaladviceUK | *This is a repost, copied and pasted into this subreddit for the purposes of curating the best updates in one place. Replies here are unlikely to be seen by the OP. If you wish to see the original post, click on the links below.*
Content warning: >!Emotional and financial abuse; the update is fairly depressing, since OOP's partner is an awful person, but it ends on a hopeful note.!<
[Original post on r/legaladviceUK: Can I be pushed into a joint account against my wishes?](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/pee9gu/can_i_be_pushed_into_a_joint_account_against_my/)
As the title says, I'm worried I'm being pushed into a joint bank account against my judgement. Sorry if I appear to go off on a tangent at first but its relevant to my concerns.
So over a year ago I was pregnant with my Daughter, who will be 1 in a weeks time. Prior to living in our place, me and my SO were living at his mums for 2 years. We found the perfect place, perfect area, we also checked it would be covered by the local housing allowance before we enquired about it, just to be safe even though we both worked at the time and could cover rent. We were about to settle with the landlord when we get a call saying he was rejecting us as my partner had a CCJ on his account. SO was shocked about this so we dug a little deeper to discover that his mother, due to bad credit had used his details in order to set up an account with an online catalogue and not paid the account, so the CCJ was for £450. We confronted her, her reply was that she bought things for my SO from there which is why it was in his name (but her bank details, email address and everything else). We explained this situation to the landlord of our prospective property and he agreed that if we could evidence the CCJ being paid off, we could still have the place.
My SO's mother didn't have the money to pay it off (although later i found out she could of as she bought my SO's Xbox series X , also £450), so feeling like it was the only option, I told her I could use my personal savings to pay it, but as it wasn't something my SO did knowingly and with a baby close to being born, that I need the money back, she never thanked me just ignored me and walked off whenever it was mentioned.
When we move in, we end up in immediate financial difficulties, due to Covid I was made redundant, and my partner was furloughed. I mentioned that we should talk to his mum about paying something of my savings back, as even a bit would help us, but he told me he believed she was never going to pay it back so I should just leave it.
Fast forward to this week, me and SO have been having arguments about money and finances as his hours have been cut to 10 a week, and due to a health emergency I had after birth of my daughter (I was in hospital an extended amount of time) I've been cautious about applying for work, as health wise I'm vulnerable to covid now, and had to shield when I got home from the hospital.
The last year I've had UC as my income, and have used this to get all the groceries, my share of bills and currently doing all the rent, never really having a penny to spare on myself, and my partner often once he has paid his bills has spent money on whatever he likes, which admittedly is sometimes things for me, but not the stuff I'd choose, and I'd honestly prefer if he helped with the groceries or bought things for our daughter (he's bought her one small toy and a little jacket over this time), so I can be a little selfish and buy something I would like occasionally.
A few weeks ago I said I was going into town as we needed groceries, he said thats good I can join him at the bank as he's opening a joint bank account. This felt pressured as I didn't feel on this occasion that I was given a chance for discussion or to think, nor did i feel that there was any suggestion it was a choice. Thankfully my previous debit card had broken (and my bank had added details of my new card to my online account so I could use Google pay) so was able to use the lack of a card at that moment as an excuse to put him off. I asked on the way back what he would of done if I hadn't of been going into town aswell, and he told me he would've gone and seen if the bank would've set up a joint account without me. I told him I was really angry he would set up an account behind my back, he said he wouldn't of done it (but no other reason to ask if they would).
Yesterday we had a horrific argument and he asked his mum round to mediate, I also felt pressured by her to open a joint account, I suggested I was maybe open to one where we both transfer set amounts each month to cover household expenses, but was told "no, everything goes into this account". My SO and her seemed really determined on this so I agreed for the sake of peace. I'd said originally that I would go for this once the money for the CCJ was paid back (so I could have a little emergency expense for me and the baby in my account for worse off months), but it was suggested if we're drawing a line in the sand from yesterday that the money for CCJ should be forgotten too, which I wouldn't agree to.
To clarify a few things, the reason I dont want a joint account are:
1) My partner got a credit card a while back for emergencies, needless to say it didn't go on emergencies and he bought himself new games etc. But a couple of loads of groceries too. He's never shown me a statement for how he maxed it, but I kept a mental note of what I knew he spent on it and it doesn't add up at all.
2) They say it means we can both have "eyes open" as it were, into each others expenses, but as said credit card would be paid from this account, my SO would have this to use without my eyes seeing, and I think that's unfair and suspicious.
3) His mother suggested we only get £20 to ourselves a month each, which is actually fine, but as I said above, my partner still has more that he can hide from me. After a year of not being able to spend on myself while he did, £20 feels like a fob off without the £450 back. But I'm probably being an AH with that one to be fair.
4)As my partners wages are low he's not paying anything into the household after his bills at the moment, although I asked him to start chipping in with groceries and bits and pieces. He's been telling me what he's getting every month, mainly so he doesn't pay into the house, but it helps me budget ahead as I can use his wages to estimate what UC we will get. Last month he lied by £100, he said it was due to my birthday and I told him that I would've understood that, it was the lying I was objecting to. He accused me of accessing his bank account to check up on him, until I showed him I could see it on our statement and he asked me why I was even looking at the UC statement???
5) I feel I'm not being given a choice, which makes me not want it more, I want to genuinely consider it over a few weeks (without being pestered) as I want to consider not just the short term, but the long term impact on both our financials due to credit histories getting influenced by each other (and I havent told them this, but my credit score is actually okay these days and want to keep it that way incase of emergencies)
I have got some time for now, luckily they agreed we would wait til my new bank card arrives to set up the account, so I can put it off. Luckily my bank card arrived a week or so ago, fortunately I caught it first as I was going to the shop, so I pocketed it, and gave it to a friend who's familiar with the situation whom I trust, and he's put it away hidden out the house (its not activated yet, and I know he wouldn't try anyway).
Am I right to be concerned that an account I didn't agree to will be created behind my back? I'm concerned if my partner had got hold of my bank card, and gave it to his mum he couldve gone down there and made one. Is there anyway in which I can protect my accounts? I know the UC is his money too, so a joint account would be fair, but I am severely uncomfortable with all of it getting paid directly in there. Can anyone please advise what steps I could take legally to protect myself u til I've made my own decision??
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/pvchi0/update_can_someone_push_me_into_a_joint_account/)
So I posted a while ago about my SO and his mothers attempt to push me into a joint bank account. I'm afraid the update isn't the happiest.
After that post I did go protect my bank account, have secured mine and my little ones credit files and have been planning to leave or get SO out.
In the meantime arguments have continued on and on. I secured a job in order to help finances (also help me get enough in terms of finances to leave/ to help when having to change circumstances on UC) I have been pushed (but not agreed to) giving over half the UC when my wages start appearing, which isn't going to happen.
So, had to go down to my new job for an hour or so today and on return, went to pick up the baby and helped her tidy up a few things, by mistake I picked up SO's phone (we have the same phone and case, thought it was mine), and I confess when I noticed it was his, I did unlock it (I know this is wrong).
He has a secret chat on WhatsApp with his mother! Shocker, and its only about one topic... me! It is the most disgusting, hateful thing I have witnessed, so in this chat, there is talk between them (every time I leave the house) in which I spot that my SO has called UC in order to split the payments behind my back, i dont think he was able to though (probably as he is currently receiving a wage) however this is not the point.
He continues to lie about finances, having bought games and told me his mum bought it for him and in this chat they talk about the fact this is a lie and the money came from our household budget again.
He went to the pub on Friday with family, he tried to ask me to come aswell, when I had our one year old child with us. I said no, there'd been a match in town that day and we wouldn't be there until past 8, not appropriate for baby, although I reasonably asked that if they wanted to see LO could they please think of an alternate plan (JNMIL lives very close to that pub), but no there was an adamant refusal "we will be in the pub if we want to", the only reason it seems they wanted me there, was as a public lynching!
Otherwise it was just saying how awful I am that I was unresponsive and such the other day (I'd been up with the baby all night, it was late, I was knackered). That there's no reason I should get the nice things I want (everything I want together is cheaper than any one of his consoles we are paying off from our household budget) and also making comments of "she's putting her foot down, regaining control", purely as a negative thing and it "needs to be nipped in the bud".
Hes making accusations now against me for economic abuse, based on me apparently "having all the money", I dont, he has his wages, a minimum 400 a month, 200 a month is now going on his credit card, 100 on his consoles, hes still spending on things for himself, and him and his mother in this talk do not seem to think I have any need of luxuries, and want him to have money as the groceries i buy are apparently not good enough, his mother has encouraged him to hide documents from me they found in my emergency bag, she's making him make a log of all my behaviour (as "you can guarantee she's doing it), and generally the talk is vile, they want to move me out of town (which is shocking, and I dont understand why as they seem to hate me so much).
So I have spoken to refuge, they've referred me to surviving economic abuse, im talking to UC when I can during the week, and hopefully get his name taken off the UC. Is there anything else I could possibly do to protect myself?
Edit: On the work subject, I found plans between the two of them to restrict my work hours.
---
**Comment on update post:**
Thank you, I am completely decided on exiting this situation, this is not healthy, and the addition of SO's mother into the situation makes it especially toxic, especially as he goes to her to talk, she gives advice about how to "control" the situation, I have to stick my foot down to protect our financials, or to stop my daughter being taken to a pub in the evening on a football match day, so SO feels things are still not going his way, so leans on his mother, and its a repeating and escalating cycle and I fear where this will end up, and I need out of this before it escalates any further that it has.
There are alot of red flags, some like lying about the game, may seem minor but in the context of agreements we had made, and the involvement of his mother in both hiding the truth from me for their own ends, I consider these part of a bigger picture, hence why I want to get out. There were some minor red flags when we first moved to our independent place, I did glaze over these too easily in hindsight, as myself and friends considered that he had never lived independently of his mother before and he needs to find his feet, then the baby came and I was ill so many red flags slipped past me whilst I was not feeling myself admittedly.
I am currently making digital copies of every document that pertains to me or my daughter, some of them may not be needed but I will get them all. I am repacking my Get Out bag (within the chat i found, I saw pictures that they had found it, and destroyed it, thankfully they didn't at all seem to think this was part of a plan to leave) and as they found my documents previously packed in my GO bag I had to find them, but I now know where they are and am keeping an eye on them, so when I can plan to get out I can grab them all hopefully, but with copies now I'm thankfully covered.
Thank you for your post and your help :) | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwmci8/a_woman_in_the_uk_asks_if_her_so_and_his_mom_can/ | pwmci8 | 13,865 | 715 | [
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2021-09-27T18:48:42 | Entitled vegan roommate steals food and acts like she is the victim. | EntitledPeople | *Note: This is a repost, I am not OP.*
Update Mood: >!Happy!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pvxax1/entitled_vegan_roommate_steals_food_and_acts_like/)
(warning, kinda long, TLDR at bottom. this is a throwaway because it has some personal info I don't want my family (who know my main) to know)
So I (21M) am in my second year of uni, and I currently am rooming with three other people. Dan (20M), Max (19M) and Olivia (20F) (all fake names). We all share a living area, kitchen and of course a fridge, we each have a shelf space for our stuff and kinda share the rest of the fridge. Now in our group, I’m the only one that doesn’t have any dietary requirements, Dan is gluten intolerant, Olivia is vegan (by choice) and Max is mostly vegetarian because of a mixture of allergies and medical conditions. Me and max are also in the same major and are close.
When we all first moved in max noticed that some of his food kept getting moved to a different shelf, Olivia’s shelf. Max has really bad social anxiety and doesn’t do well with conflict so he asked me to ask Olivia about it. When I did she said she thought we had gotten the food for her because she’s vegan, I explained that Max is vegetarian (i just said he’s vegetarian because I didn’t think it was my place to tell people about his medical conditions). She apologised and moved his food back and seemed happy to have someone else that “understood”.
For the next few weeks, everything was fine, she did get a bit pushy every now and then with max, saying that meat is the hard part and how easy it would be to stop eating milk and eggs etc. yesterday we all decided to order take out, we ordered Chinese. There is a beef-based dish that not only can Max eat but it’s also his favourite, so we got a portion for the group as well as one just for Max. we sat down and started eating and when Olivia saw Max eating the dish she went to get some, Max quickly stopped her and told her it had beef in. she sat there and blinked a few times before asking why he was eating it then. Max sheepishly replied that he can eat this dish. She started yelling that he cant make exceptions to veganism and vegetarianism when he feels like it, max explains that he’s vegetarian because of medical reasons. Olivia told him that he shouldn't call himself a vegetarian then, quickly filled her plate and went to her room.
Today Olivia refused to talk to anyone and would leave the room if Max came in. Max was clearly upset, I asked Dan to take him out somewhere while I talked to Olivia, because I couldn’t promise she wouldn’t yell again. They left and I knocked on Olivia’s door and asked to talk, she let me in and I told her that the way she’s been treating Max is not ok. She said she felt lied to, she thought she had someone who cared about the same things that she did. I told her that its ok to feel that way but that’s not Max’s fault and what she’s doing is wrong, she yelled at me saying it was in fact Max’s fault for misappropriating the label vegetarian and started comparing it to being hate crimed, I shut that down right away (she’s literally the only one in the group that doesn’t belong to a minority so this did piss me off) and left to join Dan and Max, who had gone to the arcade.
When we (me, Max and Dan) got back the place was a mess, Maxs stuff had been thrown into the living area, this also included some of his gaming equipment and medical stuff which had been damaged. Any meat product had been opened and thrown in the trash, empty milk cartons in the sink, which were full so I think she tipped them. Her shelf in the fridge was empty and anything that was vegan friendly, so most of Max’s food but also some of Dan’s food, was also gone. (there were two rooms on one side and two rooms on the other and she and Max’s rooms were next to each other) we called our RA and she was really nice and calm (probably because Max was crying at this point), she said she would talk to Olivia, and would probably have her moved because this wasn’t appropriate. We are hoping she gets moved, she hasn’t been back yet today, we just finished moving Max’s stuff into Dan’s room and setting up a fusion just in case. We literally did our food shop a few days ago so we don’t really have enough money to replace anything. Anyway sorry, this was a bit of a rant.
TLDR: vegan roommate found out that other roommate is only vegetarian because of medical reason, throws tantrum, feel like she is the victim, trashes the place, breaks his stuff and steals and destroys food.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pwlmz8/entitled_vegan_roommate_update/)
firstly thank you for all the advice you gave, unfortunately, we had cleared up the mess without taking pictures, but we took pictures of the damage and the RA is kind of a witness since she saw the mess and damage before we touched it.
Olivia tried to come back and with the help from the RA, we prevented her. we told her unless she is going to replace everything we are going to file a police report, she broke down, saying she didn't want us to call the police but couldn't buy animal products because that was against her beliefs as a vegan.
after crying and yelling she agreed to transfer over money to cover food, and the damaged items. it came up to a few thousand (luckily healthcare, while not great, isn't overly expensive here). she reluctantly handed over the key to her room and the RA recorded us while we packed her stuff, we found a mini-fridge that had all the missing food. she then was let in to get her stuff and took extra long, sulking and trying to make us feel bad, when that didn't work she started getting aggressive and yelling, slurs were thrown and both Dan and Max, and the RA got campus security to remove her.
like some of you predicted she did try and pull the "big scary men bullying her for being vegan" card. but that doesn't really hold up when these "big scary men" are either dance majors (Dan), 5'5 and built like a stick (me), or a 5'3 trans guy with crazy levels of anxiety whose stomach will implode if he eats meat (Max, and that not what actually happens, just what he says it feels like).
again thanks to all the comments, the advice and even the offers to give money. someone did mention a student food bank and they have said, since the medical stuff takes priority, if we don't have enough we can have some access to the student food bank.
when it comes to the few comments asking about Max's health conditions, I did ask but Max isn't comfortable with me putting them out here, even if it is anonymous, I hope the curious few understand.
While not being suspended, Olivia is now banned from any of the on-campus housing or student halls.
thank again for all the kind words, fingers crossed with our new roomie | embinksyy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwnoxa/entitled_vegan_roommate_steals_food_and_acts_like/ | pwnoxa | 6,856 | 915 | [
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2021-09-27T20:43:51 | Faking Food Poisoning to Teach A Lesson | AITA | *Note: This is a repost, I am not OP*
Update mood: >!A little sad. Both people are messed up in their own way here. Also, kinda gross.!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/peqeuv/aita_for_faking_food_poisoning_to_teach_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
So my boyfriend (28m) and I (26f) both love to cook and are very good at it. We often make meals together and it’s something we really bond over. However, he has a serious issue with cross contamination that drives me insane. As a result, I feel like I have to constantly keep an eye on him to make sure that he is sanitizing things properly. It frustrates me that I feel like I have to watch him, and it frustrates *him* whenever I point out something he’s done that seems unsanitary.
Last Friday evening we were making carnitas when I noticed that he was using the same knife and cutting board that he had used to chop raw pork, to then chop up onions and radishes. I could literally see red splotches on the cutting board from where the meat had been sitting. I pointed out that whenever *I* need to cut both meat and produce, that I *always* do the produce first, so that way I can use the same knife and cutting board without having to worry about cross contamination. I then told him that we couldn’t use the onions and radishes for this dish because I was not about to top my carnitas with them now that they were contaminated with raw pork.
He flipped out and kept saying, “It’s not like it’s chicken.” I said, “So what? It’s still raw meat and there’s still potential for foodborne illness…” He wouldn’t let it go so finally I was like, “Fine, I’ll eat your tainted fucking produce.” Which pissed him off further. He stormed off into our bedroom and refused to finish cooking with me. Without him knowing, I cut up new onions and radishes for garnishing and we ate dinner separately.
The next day we were supposed to go to his parent’s place as they were hosting a congratulatory dinner because my boyfriend recently got a new job. In the morning I faked being ill and hung out in bed watching Netflix and reading most of the day. He seemed baffled by my being “sick” and I was like, “Idk, I mean I did eat those onions and radishes that you were so pressed about…” He looked irritated after that but he seemed to believe that I was actually sick. When it came time to start getting ready to head out to his parent’s house, I said I was still too ill and ended up staying home.
His mother messaged me later on, explaining that it was extremely rude of me to have missed the dinner and that I should have taken some Pepto Bismol or something so that I could be there to celebrate with them. I didn’t even bother responding and when my boyfriend returned home that night I could tell he was bummed (but not mad) that I missed the dinner. Multiple people in his family are now pissed because they think I’m an unsupportive girlfriend.
I do feel guilty about missing this dinner since it was important to him. But I was also at my wits end as I’ve tried to talk about the contamination thing with him nicely MANY times in the past, but he always gets pissed off about it and then doesn’t change his ways. AITA?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pwlhos/update_aita_for_faking_food_poisoning_to_teach_my/)
I received quite a few messages regarding [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/peqeuv/aita_for_faking_food_poisoning_to_teach_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and figured I would give an update since something incredibly ironic happened anyway.
To start, many of you suggested that I purchase color coded knives and cutting boards and that I have a serious discussion with him about the subject. These are things I have done in the past, but I figured another try wouldn’t hurt. I sat down with him and explained that although cross contamination might not be a big deal to him, that it is to me and that it would make me feel a lot better if he would please take my feelings into consideration. He promised me that he would be more careful, but then the next afternoon I saw him put a cutting board away (without washing it) after having chopped raw chicken on it. This obviously bothered me but I decided not to say anything since we were fresh out of conflict.
That same night I took him out to a nice dinner as a way to make up for missing the one at his parent’s house. We had a lovely time and things seemed to be on the mend for a few hours. Later that night, however, he developed really terrible food poisoning and to make matters worse, he was supposed to start his new job the next morning and ended up calling in sick. He blamed *me* for it because he thought that the food at the restaurant was what made him ill. I told him that I didn’t see how it could have been that because we shared dishes and I was feeling fine.
The following day his mother called and let us know that she had just taken his dad to the hospital. Apparently he had been feeling super unwell and we all assumed it was related to a chronic disease that he’s had for a few years now. He ended up needing multiple blood transfusions and tests found none other than E. coli in his urine. In the days following, my boyfriend continued to miss work and I discovered that about half the people that attended his celebration dinner the weekend before ended up sick.
A bunch of other bullshit happened with his mother trying to blame me for “getting people sick” but I won’t even bother going down that rabbit hole at the moment.
If you hadn’t already guessed, my boyfriend got fired from his job without having worked a single day there. Guess not showing up during your first week isn’t a good look. On the bright side, he has shown a sudden and intense interest in kitchen hygiene. Apparently getting sick himself and having his dad end up in the hospital is what it took.
It’s been a couple of weeks since this all took place. A lot of you suggested that I break things off, and at this point I think I may be headed in that direction. | GilgameDistance | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwq4uf/faking_food_poisoning_to_teach_a_lesson/ | pwq4uf | 6,215 | 404 | [
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2021-09-27T20:52:36 | AITA for telling my cousin the truth? | AITA | I am not the OP. This is a repost
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pu1z8o/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_the_truth/) by u/Dumbass1919
My cousin (19m) is the only son my aunt has with her late husband. He died before my cousin was born so cousin never met him. My aunt is a nice lady for the most part but she doesn't like to bring up her husband. Part of the reason is that the day he died they had gotten into an argument over keeping my cousin. She wanted to abort he didn't. He left the house angry and was hit by a drunk driver on his way to his mother house. The other reason is that she lied to her husband's side of the family saying she went through with the abortion so they would leave her alone. I don't don't why she did this but that's what she did. Because of this my cousin never knew anyone from his dad's side of the family. We were told never to tell him the truth becuase it would hurt his mom and becuse he was a minor so we had to respect my aunts wishes.
Fast forward to yesterday. My cousin came over to my house to play video games since he was visiting from out of town. We got to talking and he mentioned wishing he knew more about his dad. I asked if he ever though about reaching out to them. He said his mom said they never wanted to met him. I sighed placing my controller down and looking at him. I was tired of hiding the truth from him because my aunt didn't want to deal with whatever her issue was. I looked at him and told him his mom want being completely honest. I said his dad's family side know he was even alive becise his mom to them she had aborted him. He laughed saying to stop joking and I told him I wasn't. He looked at me processing what I said. He got up and said he had to talk with his mom. A couple of hours went by when I hear my mom yelling from her room. (I had blocked my aunts number just in case) I went and asked her what was wrong when she started yelling at me for being honest with my cousin and telling him the truth now he was threatening his mom with never speaking to her again unless she can find a way for him to contact his dads family. I told her that I was tired of her hiding behind her lies and hearing my cousin sigh about not knowing about his dad. My mom said it wasn't my place which I agree but said that he would have eventually found out and when he did it would have been all of us not just his mom being throw aside becuse of it. She told me I didn't understand what I had done. I sighed and left the argument as it was.
I know I may very well be an Asshole for that but I was just tired of his whining about not knowing his dad. Besides he's 19 he has a right to know as an adult. At least I waited. So reddit am I the asshole?
Edit: I will add this just becuse I feel like it will clear up why I was so annoyed with the situation and the whining. My cousin has come to me and other cousins crying because he never knew his dad that he felt like his dads family didn't love him and that he was worth less becuse of this. We had asked the adults in our life to talk to my aunt but were met with no kind of action. I was just fed up wit the who lie because I'd seen him suffer becuase of it. I know I was probably really cold afterwards but that was beciase I was just done with the whole situation in general. I know this won't change anyone opinion but this is my only defense to why I was tired of his whining and my aunts lie.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pwlp0b/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_the_truth_update/)
So I just got back from my aunts house and I feel exhausted but I honestly feel better so I thought I would update you on what happened.
After I made my post I saw some comments about it not being my place or my responsibility to tell him the secret and how I was rather cold in how or why I told him. So I decided to call him to ask if I could talk to him. He agreed and we met up today to talk.
We sat down and I apologized for just dropping the bombshell of a secret on him becuse I gotten fed up with not only his whining but the entire thing in general. He let me finished before talking. He admitted he was hurt I kept the secret but he understood why didn't tell him sooner. He mentioned that he and his mom weren't on speaking terms but he was scared to proceed with actually contacting his fathers family. I asked him why and he told me his mom was scared of them.
Appearantly some of you were right. After my uncle died my aunts In laws family went from very kind people to very cold and harsh. They blamed her for their sons/brothers death and demanded she have his child so they could "have a part of him alive." My aunt was angry and hurt at them that they demanded she give them my cousin that she lied and said she already aborted him. After that blow out she moved back to where we lived and decided she didn't want him to deal with them and didn't want them to poison my cousins mind. She wanted to tell him but she was afraid he would hate her. After he told me that I told him I would stand by him no matter what he choose to do but to talk with his mom soon. She had it sounds like a valid reason to not contact them. He said he'd think about it. I left and decided to stop by my aunts house to apologize to her as well.
I got to her house and she looked surprised to see me. I apologized to her and said that I acted extremely out of line and that I would take any punishment she saw fit. She just smiled and said it wasn't needed. She thanked me for the apology but also didn't blame me as I am still young and learning (I'm 22). She also understood that it was wrong of her to keep the secret so long out of fear no matter how genuine it was. I mentioned talking to my cousin and encouraging him to talk with her. She thanked me and said this would take time to heal but it was better to get it out now than later when it would hurt more.
So they you have it. I apologized to both of them and I found out why she had been keeping the secret so long. I want to thank all of you for you comments regarding how I could have better handled this and to open my eyes to what I did wrong the first time around. | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwqba3/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_the_truth/ | pwqba3 | 6,186 | 507 | [
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2021-09-27T22:54:56 | OP wants to e-mail their half-sister, the scapegoat of the family, after years apart and wonders if it's a good idea. | AITA | *This is a repost. I am not the original posted. Originally in* r/AmItheAsshole
Mood of the update: >!happy!<
&#x200B;
[WIBTA if I send an email to my half sister?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p47pzw/wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_my_half_sister/)
My elder sister is estranged from us. She was the scapegoat and I was the golden child. I was a spoiled brat and I rubbed it in. She was still a great elder sister. She was there for when I needed it and she protected me when I fucked up. I didn't deserve that at all. She cut us all of when I was 17. She had written me a letter where she explained that she loved me but she couldn't have me in her life without my presence reminding her of how shitty they were to her.
It has been 8 years. I have respected her wishes because It had truly started to understand how horrible our parents where and I am sure I will never properly get how bad it was for her. I have wanted to see how she was doing. I have heard about her from mutual friends b really miss her but I understand why she wants the distance. She was always compared to me. She was constantly criticized about things that were not in her control. I was a little shit and loved how much they cared about me, They adored me while trampling down on her. It must have been hell. Pure hell for her and I was the tool used to hurt her.
Last month, My boyfriend had a zoom company conference. I was dropping off some snacks for him when I saw it was my sister speaking. It brought back a lot of memories. I really miss her. I really do. I have been thinking about her lot.
I want to send her an email asking her how she has been, Telling her I realized how shitty my parents were and apologizing for my actions and that I have cut them out of my life too. I just want to tell her that I really wish that she is happy and she was able to move past what the hurt they caused. I really hope that she is happy and I want her to be happy even if I have no place in her life,
Would that be too much? I talked to one our old mutual friend who knew some of what went down and she thinks that It would be too much and that I should just move on and forget about it. I still want to send it to her.
I know it is selfish. I should just ignore all these emotions and let her live in peace. That mail could drag back so much bad memories and I don't want to hurt her again. I still want to send it to her. That is what makes me a asshole here, I feel. I want to try to text her when she told me not to.
\--------------
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pwlspa/update_wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_my_half_sister/)
I received a lot very helpful advice. I wrote a short email telling my sister that I wished her well, I apologized for my behavior when we were living together and told her that I have cut of our parents and that I will love to be a part of her life if she wants me to be but I do understand it if she doesn't want to.
I sat on it for a week and send it to our mutual friend. She read the email and she said she had talked about it with my sister and she was willing to read it. Nothing happened for two weeks but then she started to follow me on instagram!! I got so excited that my boyfriend was worried about me for a second. I have a photography page and she like a really old photo so I know she was browsing my account. She texted me a day later and we finally talked.
I talked to her after 8 years. It was pretty emotional and yeah, it was fine. She is coming over to meet me next month. I am excited for it. She hasn't really changed and it makes me feel terrible, The first thing she asked me was how they treated me after she left, I don't know how I was so terrible to this wonderful woman.
It is funny, She ended up being the perfect daughter they wanted me to be and I ended up being a bi college dropout with a career in flighty arts stuff. Funny how that turned out. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwsqpm/op_wants_to_email_their_halfsister_the_scapegoat/ | pwsqpm | 3,966 | 1,740 | [
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2021-09-28T00:31:29 | My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I break the news that no one will show up? | Relationships | **I am not the original poster.**
Originally written by u/Birthdayparties4 six years ago on r/relationships.
**My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I break the news that no one will show up?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3guzht/my\_girlfriend\_is\_turning\_21\_and\_wants\_me\_21m\_to/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3guzht/my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me_21m_to/)
Birthdays have always been hard on my girlfriend. She's had a few parties as a child where no one showed up, and since moving states in the middle of high school she hasn't made close friends.
Here at college, she tries hard to make friends. She talks well to people on a superficial basis but doesn't have any real friends. She's never been invited to a college party and has often missed out on many typical activities.
We've been together for 3 years, since freshman orientation. I don't have friends but I'm happy that way. I like keeping to myself if I'm not spending time with her. Since she's naturally extroverted, she spends her free time with me, or at club meetings trying to connect to people.
She's asked if I could put together a small party so I invited some acquaintances, my roommates, etc. everyone said no. I gave the invites well in advance too. I don't know how to break the news to my girlfriend, she's been so excited. She thought providing free food and drink would be a great way to make friends. But people don't want to come for even that. What can I do?
**tl;dr**: My friendly but friendless girlfriend wanted me to throw a 21st birthday party for her, but no one accepted. How do I still make this a special day? How do I tell her without crushing her
**Relevant Comments:**
* She and I actually don't drink. We would be purchasing drinks for other people, but we don't have any interest in it. No one knows that we don't drink. No one's asked. When my roommates are mixing drinks I fill a solo cup with coke and there are no questions asked. We'd probably do that at the party.
* *When asked if he asked anybody why they declined:* I actually asked one of my roommates for more info and all he said was "I don't know her that well."
* She's tried clubs and activities to try and make friends but hasnt had any luck. Her interests don't really align with a lot of peoples. The fact that she doesn't like video games, going to school spirit events, or anime/geek culture cuts off a lot of people.
* She tries so hard to be social. She reads all sorts of guides on how to make friends, and she hasn't had any luck. She hoped that acquaintances would come for free food and maybe become her friends. She tries to talk to lots of people, but she lacks a lot of common ground with most of the people she meets.
* She's part of clubs pertaining to her interests, but it just hasn't been working for her. I invited people from those clubs that she had talked about. All were busy, and a couple even replied "who?"
* She makes her own clothes and jewelry. She tends to wear hippie inspired outfits. The jewelry is pretty normal from what I can tell, but she does the head-scarf, long skirt, flower print sort of stuff. Nothing crazy like frayed bell bottoms, but it's kind of bohemian clothing.
* She's from another culture by origin, but grew up in america.
* About her major, I really wish she didn't pick it. It's not right for her, but we're about to be seniors. She's very intimidated by the better students in her major so she never speaks in class. She doesn't know a soul in her classes other than by face.
* She moved during her high school years, so she doesn't have close friends from high school.
&#x200B;
**UPDATE: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I break the news that no one will show up?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3gz677/update\_my\_girlfriend\_is\_turning\_21\_and\_wants\_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3gz677/update_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/)
I logged into facebook at like 2 AM last night and my girlfriend has posted a message on the party event wall saying the party was cancelled. She saw the no-shows before I could let her know about it.
I called her and suggested some other activities we could do, things like amusement parks or concerts or taking a cooking class. I thought she'd like all those ideas.
"No thank you."
We were kinda quiet over the phone, until she asked me in a really small voice if I could come over.
We met outside her dorm at like 3 in the morning. She was crying, as I expected. But it was just watery eyes, not full on sobs how she usually cries.
"It's okay," she said. "Some people aren't meant to have friends."
I told her she was exaggerating, that she just needs to look in different places, etc. She shook her head. "No, I'm done."
This morning at breakfast we passed a lot of mutual acquaintances. Usually my girlfriend smiles and says hello. Today she just kept her eyes on the pavement, not looking at anyone. She barely ate. But other than that she seemed like her normal self with me, talking and laughing. She just wouldn't look at anyone else.
She told me how she's going to use this extra time to get better in her classes, to work on her jewelry and maybe open an etsy shop. To read more books.
I asked her if this is really what she wanted.
"No, but life doesn't always give you what you want. I didn't want to be an engineer. I didn't want to live in a basement alone. I didn't want to hate college and wish every day that I could drop out. But you make the best of it."
Her voice was breaking as she said this, but she didn't cry. She left the breakfast table after that and said she wanted to be alone.
Where the hell do I go from here? Her actual birthday is tomorrow (we were throwing the party a week later) and she insists she doesn't want to do anything. Is it bad that part of me sort of agreed with her, that some people aren't meant to make friends? I don't think I am, but obviously she wants friends and it's making her miserable.
**tl;dr**: Girlfriend canceled party, said she didn't want to do anything for her birthday, and announced that she's given up on finding friends. She isn't going back to any of her clubs or activities, and is going to focus on her studies and hobbies this coming year. Her actual 21st birthday is tomorrow. Where do I go from here?
**EDIT: I am sitting with her in her dorm room right now. She's on the bed reading, I'm on the couch minding my own business, just being near her. She is okay.**
**Relevant Comments:**
* Usually when my girlfriend makes sudden decisions, she's a bit more 'dramatic' about it. Like she's sobbing and crying and stuff. Here she sounded so cold and evenkeel that it was a bit alarming.
* She definitely has said that it makes her feel worthless. I think the party was her 'last chance', just a move of desperation to see if feeding and boozing up college students was the way to make friends.
**UPDATE 2: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me to throw her a party. How do I (21M) tell her that no one will show up?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3h5ae6/update\_2\_my\_girlfriend\_is\_turning\_21\_and\_wants\_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3h5ae6/update_2_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/)
Short update here. I stayed with my girlfriend for a while last night. She just read a book and didn't talk much. I cuddled her a bit, but she mostly wanted space.
This morning, I came to her room with flowers and a gift. She accepted the flowers with a smile. She told me she wanted to go home to her parents this weekend. I was pretty sad about that, I wanted to make her feel loved and special. But she said she needed to get off campus for a bit, so I said okay. I took her to the bus stop, said goodbye, and now here I am.
She did love the present though. It was a book she'd been wanting for a while.
Hopefully she'll feel better when she comes back.
tl;dr Girlfriend went home for her birthday.
**UPDATE 3: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I tell her that no one will show up?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3pr7pv/update\_3\_my\_girlfriend\_is\_turning\_21\_and\_wants\_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3pr7pv/update_3_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/)
Anyway, the school year is in full swing and she cries all the time. At least three times a week, if not more. She feels like she's taking advantage of my kindness so she tries not to cry in front of me. She's completely abandoned the search to find friends, and doesn't go out except for food, class, etc. There are happy moments too, and she'll still go out with me, but she just seems fragmented over all.
She actually did pursue therapy at our university, because she felt like she really needed someone to talk to that wasn't me. They informed her that all the spots they had were full and that unless she was a suicide risk they didn't have room. Heartless, right? It really made her feel bad, but she didn't want to lie and say she was a suicide risk.
She feels lonelier than ever. There's no doubt in my mind that she's depressed. She pours all her energy into schoolwork and hasn't really touched her hobbies much, either.
She can't afford therapy other than the university, and they won't give it to her. Is there any way she can get the help she needs?
**tl;dr**: My girlfriend's depression is getting worse, she tried to get therapy and was informed that she couldn't. Is there anything she/we can do?
**Relevant Comments:**
* *When asked about her getting therapy:* We don't really have any income, she's on her parents' insurance and they're against therapy. She doesn't want to involve them at all. They come from a culture where therapy is pretty frowned upon.
* I'm worried about her too, but in the end she has to do what's right for her. She's on the waiting list for university therapy right now, and we're both saving up some money she could use for therapy, if we can avoid insurance.
* *People asked repeatedly on all the posts if she smelled/had bad hygiene. OP has responded in the negative every time.*
* *When asked how they met:* We were sort of standing by ourselves during freshman orientation. We were both awkward enough to tolerate the other's lack of social skills, I suppose, and I asked her out pretty quickly after that.
* *Throughout the posts, OP repeatedly says that he has no friends at all either. He is friendly with his roommates, but he considers his GF to be his best friend too and has no need for friends. So he doesn't totally understand her problem, or have any friends to introduce her to. He also states that he hates the idea of making friends with couples to double date with her, though during the last post, he says he'd consider it out of desperation.* | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwuho5/my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me_21m_to/ | pwuho5 | 11,006 | 918 | [
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2021-09-28T05:27:11 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pwzgtw/deleted_by_user/ | pwzgtw | 9 | 411 | [
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2021-09-28T10:45:58 | This one is a mess: "I (27F) just discovered my BF (29M) of 5 years has been hiding a disgusting secret…?" | Relationship_Advice | ***THIS IS A REPOST, I AM NOT THE OP!***
***TW: No other way of putting... Pedophilia, molestation and mentions of possible s\*xual and physical abuse.***
*Link to the* [*update*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pww9ls/update_i_27f_just_discovered_my_bf_29m_has_been/)*, which includes the, now deleted* [*original*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pv8krs/i_27f_just_discovered_my_bf_29m_of_5_years_has/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)*:*
**ORIGINAL POST**
I’m just going to put a disclaimer on this before I dive in: this is a throw away account. This is going to be long. I have literally no friends and almost no family in my life that I can share this with, which is why I am sharing it here. I would really love advice, but I also need a place to simply vent and be heard. This post will have very dark subject matter that I did not feel comfortable mentioning explicitly in the title (see TDLR if you would like to check the subject matter before reading the full story).
For some background: me and my BF have been living together for the past 5 years. It was great, he seemed like a genuine, charismatic, and caring guy and I’d thought I’d met my soulmate for life. We got along amazingly well, we had built a strong trust with each other, were very open about almost everything, and anytime that we had a fight we were able to talk it out and work through it. I’m a bit of a social recluse and struggle to get close to people, so after years with this person, he had basically become my entire world - up until yesterday, when this whole thing blew up in my face.
**Warning signs that I completely failed to take heed of**: #1) We had a brief hiccup within the first couple of years into the relationship when he didn’t seem as sexually interested in me, despite having - what I was vaguely aware of at the time - a porn addiction. I knew he was masturbating often, at least daily, but I was lucky if he was in the mood more than once a month. This almost ended the relationship - not because I thought he was cheating (though I did have suspicions), but because I realized he had such an intense porn addiction that it might permanently harbor his interest in real sex. He had been single for quite a while before we got together (which I assumed played a big part), and he made it seem like his sex drive hadn’t been an issue before that point. He had attempted suicide after his last relationship, which ended terribly, so I could understand why he was single for so long. We eventually worked through it. He assured me the issue had nothing to do with me and that he would work to improve, and I empathized with his previous situations and tried to be patient with him. #2) He was always really touchy with his phone. This always made me very suspicious of infidelity, as anyone would be, but nothing else in the relationship further raised that suspicion. And after becoming aware of his porn addiction, I thought he might just be embarrassed of me seeing his raunchy Reddit account or something, even though I’d explained to him many times that watching porn (in reasonable doses) didn’t bother me. I did (only once) sneak onto his FB messenger just to make sure, because I had a gut feeling that he was hiding something - his FB was normal except a few messages he sent to girls when we first started dating to tell them he was now in a relationship and couldn’t associate with them anymore (and he made sure to make lots of flattering comments about me). I knew how easy it was to delete messages, but I trusted him enough at that point and I didn’t go snooping again. #3) He had mentioned previously that his Instagram account got “hacked” to explain why it was full of porn. I had never gotten onto his Instagram to see it myself - he had just nonchalantly mentioned it, though I don’t remember why it was brought up - and I didn’t really feel the need to question it at the time. I knew there were porn bots all over places like tindr and tumblr, so it didn’t seem that crazy of an idea that his Instagram got hacked and spammed with porn. And even if he did have an account dedicated to porn, I wasn’t that worried about it - I was willing to let him work through his porn addiction on his own and not interfere with his privacy.
Fast forward to two nights ago. I was having a really bad night and called him to talk to him while he was driving home. I was using our iPad and decided I wanted to pull up Instagram - I usually only use it when I’m on my phone, so I had to reinstall it. When I opened the app, I just started scrolling mindlessly until I realized I was looking at fetish porn - or as close to porn as Instagram will allow - of teenage girls (who looked around 16) in bikinis. I just said *whoa, wtf is this?* and told him what I was looking at. He said *oh, that must be my hacked account*, and continued with something about how gross it was and to just ignore it and log out. I laughed it off at first, because it looked like the same crap that bots had constantly spammed to my inbox on my tumblr account. But then I saw what looked to be a much younger girl in a bikini in a suggestive pose. I mentioned it to him, because I was really grossed out at that point, and right as I was about to log out, he got weird. He told me to log off *immediately* and the tone of his voice had changed and taken on a worried/desperate edge. It caught me off guard, and I realized something was wrong. I was still on the log-out screen when I noticed the username. It was a name I had never seen before (and he uses the same name for everything) so I knew it was a throw away account and realized he was lying. I had always thought it was his main account that had gotten hacked, and that’s why he hadn’t outright deleted it, but there’s no reason a throwaway account (especially one as gross as that) shouldn’t have been immediately wiped the second it was hacked. I was still on the phone with him, so I lied and said that I had logged out and continued browsing through his account to try and find proof that he had curated the account himself. He was following THOUSANDS of raunchy accounts. The front page had a bunch of teen girls, and I saw a hashtag that said something about “preteens”. I went into the messages to see if I could find anything personal that would be linked to him directly. There weren’t many message boards left that hadn’t already been deleted, but I noticed the tone of the remaining messages he had sent did not seem like him at all. There was a message where he said “you’re a little too young for me to be talking to you” - the girl in the picture looked no older than 13. It was the last thing I found that sealed it: a video he had sent of him jacking himself off to a picture of a young-looking (possibly underage, but I couldn’t tell) girl’s face on the iPad *I was actively using* and finishing himself off all over the screen. I’m assuming the girl in the picture was the girl he had been chatting with and sent the video to. I recognized the background in the video, so I knew it was him. I stayed on the phone with him for a little while longer and tried to pretend I wasn’t completely fucking mortified because I was unsure how I wanted to confront him about the situation. I was planning to wait until tomorrow to bring it up, but then he kept trying to say “I love you”s over the phone and I realized I could not say it back or even think about sharing the same bed with him over night. When I finally told him that I knew the account was his, he didn’t bother trying to deny it. He was calm for the most part, and said that he knew this day would eventually come and that I had every right to hate him and that he new he was a terrible person. When he got home he tried to further explain that he wasn’t fully a pedophile, and though he had an attraction to younger girls (usually “seventeen year-olds who look older than they are”), he had no interest in expanding it past pure fantasy and that the attraction was not there in real life situations. He explained that his porn account got out of hand, that he wasn’t intentionally seeking out girls that young, and that everything had snowballed from his initial interest in looking at teen porn. He said he had already tried to delete the account, and when he couldn’t figure it out, he just uninstalled the app and hadn’t touched it since the last messages he sent last year. I didn’t believe he was telling me the full scale of the truth, but he said he had nothing to lose at that point so he didn’t have a reason to lie any further. I told him it was normal to occasionally have a regretful sexual thought (like, idk, scat or hentai, or whatever other gross or weird fetishes people have), but to have an ENTIRE Instagram account dedicated to teens in bikinis was a fucking HUGE problem and that he needed to seek professional help ASAP. He kept saying he was just going to off himself at that point, now that his secret was revealed, but I told him **IF** everything he had told me at that point was genuine, then it wasn’t too late for him to get help. He said was open to it, and I told him I wasn’t going to kick him out onto the street (I have no kids in my life that I have to worry about him being around), but that I had absolutely no attraction for him from then on, and that our relationship was over and could not be mended after lying to me and wasting 5 years of my life over what he apparently knew was “eventually going to happen”. He understood. He apologized and thanked me for treating him like a person. I had no intention of getting authorities involved because I had found nothing illegal. As disgusting as his Instagram account is, it’s sadly not even sexual enough content to be worth reporting (because Instagram moderators apparently don’t know what “teenmodel” accounts are actually used for).
Fast forward to yesterday: I woke up that morning really bothered by an (obvious) gut feeling that there was much more to the iceberg that had been uncovered the previous night. I had been in a bit of a shock when I was on his Instagram, and hadn’t throughly absorbed everything aside from the messages and the video he had sent. I had already signed out of the account on the iPad (when I thought I was going to wait to confront him), so I no longer had access to it, but I did remember the username, so I searched it up and was able to access the accounts he was following. I looked much more thoroughly this time…and there were *a lot* of young girls. More than I originally realized. Younger than 13, even younger than *10*. I’d say most of the accounts were girls who looked pre-teen, and a disturbing amount that looked even younger. I realized: This isn’t just a teen fetish, it’s fucking straight-up pedophilia.
I decided to look further through his app history on his ipad and see if any other social apps would still be logged in (nope) and I found suggestive-looking live stream apps like “live me” and “BIGO live” that Im not sure what they are but worry me. I moved over to his PC while he was at work. Nothing abnormal had been left in his browsing history, and all websites were logged out except Facebook (I did take another look at messenger, but nothing indicated he was talking to or grooming minors). I finally just pulled up his file explorer and typed in “girl” in the search and found a hidden folder he failed to completely delete. One of the videos was titled “10yo girl”. I’m not going to describe it further than it being straight child pornography. I checked the download date, and it was July of this year. I took a picture of the date of the video and texted it to him, telling him he was a fucking liar and that this was illegal.
I did contemplate calling the cops at this point, and would’ve without a second thought if it were anyone else. After 5 years of knowing someone, I wanted to believe he wasn’t a complete monster (at least in other aspects not involving this atrocity). However, I am aware that he is far enough into this to be a danger to young children. I told him if he didn’t want me to get the police involved, that he would need to seek therapy immediately (I’m giving him a couple of weeks to find one, but I expect him to get an appointment for next weekend), he is not allowed to be seen anywhere near a child, and when he got home he needed to log into EVERYTHING so I can witness him deleting it all. He said he understood and would do it. When he got home and sat down at his computer, I kind of berated him a bit. When he pulled up his Instagram account, I told him to look through all the extremely young girls he was following and sexualizing. I asked him why the *fuck* he would intentionally follow girls under 10 years old on a fetish account, and why he would sexualize them. He seemed disgusted with himself, but I still had doubts it wasn’t an act. I had him log into any website I had suspicion he was abusing, and demanded he pull up anything else I wasn’t aware of. I learned he had a tiktok that was following over 6 thousand accounts - I had no idea he even had a tiktok. I started to interrogate him a bit more, trying to catch any other lies he might’ve been feeding me. I started asking about his childhood (he had told me earlier in our relationship that he was constantly beaten as a child and possibly sexually abused by his step father), and he admitted he had molested his younger sister. He had been 14 and his sister was 10. He claims he never raped her and that it was wasn’t malicious - he had instigated it, but it wasn’t forced. When his parents caught them, he had attempted suicide and was sent to juvy. I asked him if he ever apologized to his sister, and he said he did the last time he went to visit his family when he was 21. I asked him how long he has been searching child pornography, and he claims it had only started recently, and had been an affect of a smaller problem snowballing over the course of several years.
I still have a lot of doubt in anything he says. At this point there is no trust in this situation, and I know that pedophiles deserve little to no sympathy, but I just can’t bring myself to immediately expose him and ruin his entire life before giving him a chance to get help. Id like to think there is still a good person in there somewhere who is genuinely disgusted with himself and begging for help. I know Im having that thought because this person is all I’ve known the last 5 years (not because he manipulated me or kept me from having friends), and I’d like to think every moment wasn’t completely faked. Even with that being said, I am completely disgusted with this and angry that I’ve been thrown into a situation where I feel any remorse or sympathy for someone who sexualizes children.
**TDLR**: I discovered my BF of 5 years is a pedophile. I first uncovered his Instagram account filled with under aged girls and then found actual child pornography on his computer. He has done things in the past that made me suspicious something was up, but NEVER anything involving children. I have completely ended the relationship with no hope of it being mended, but am giving him an ultimatum to immediately seek professional help. I told him if I catch him interacting in any way with a child, I would be getting authorities involved. I am letting him stay in my house since there are no children around for me to worry about, and I feel more at ease with being able to monitor him and make sure he goes through with therapy. I don’t trust him, but I do feel like he is genuinely disgusted with himself and I’m hoping treatment works for him.
Any advice or opinion is appreciated and will be taken into consideration. This isn’t a typical situation, so I hope most of you won’t have enough personal experience in this to give thorough advice, but I just need an idea of: what to expect, what precautions I should take, and if I’m being completely crazy or not.
Edit: I’m (understandably) getting a lot of hateful comments, and all I ask is that you keep your criticism mindful. I hope you all can realize that the world isn’t black and white. I’ve always felt that people aren’t complete monsters simply for doing bad things, especially if they are remorseful and willing to improve themselves. I’m sorry if you don’t see the world the same way, and I’m sorry if this post is triggering to you. I’ve had traumatic experiences in the past with older men, and I am absolutely disgusted by the thought of predators existing, so this experience has been extremely mentally grueling for me, and I am very likely still in shock and denial and not making the best decisions. I do plan to seek therapy as soon as possible.
Edit #2: I am really shocked (though I shouldn’t be) with the level of apathy from these comments. I realize none of you have been in my situation nor will fully understand, so I’m sure it’s easy for you to demonize me to make yourselves feel better. But, if anything, I am a victim here. I was thrown into this fucking situation against my will, and now I have to make decisions that are going to be bad one way or another no matter what I do. Making the decision to have the life of someone you’ve known and loved for 5 years completely ruined for something you could have never fathomed them doing is not easy, and I’ve only known the full scale of the issue for barely 24 hours. And reporting things to the police is not always successful - look at all the stories out there or people trying to report pedophiles and being ignored or shamed for it.
For those trying to convince me I’m a criminal now for forcing him to delete stuff: I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t make him delete it to “cover up” as I didn’t think it was necessary to immediately get the authorities involved (and his computer can still be scanned anyways, so I don’t see why it matters). I did it because the thought of having that shit in my house disgusted me and I wanted to further shame him for ever having downloaded it in the first place and make sure he did not have access to it. The entire thing fucking disgusts me, and the thought of being associated with someone who could even think of doing these things is mortifying. It’s also easy for people to say what I should and shouldn’t do when they aren’t actually in my situation and don’t have to deal with the life-altering ramifications - so please think before you comment and at least give me helpful information if you are going to give criticism.
&#x200B;
**UPDATE** (slighlty edited)**:**
As of yesterday, I have contacted the authorities and made an official report. The day before yesterday, I came to terms with the fact that, regardless of what I may personally think, my ex crossed a line and needed to face repercussions that are beyond my authority to give. I also realized that, even though I do truly believe that he is wanting to get help and do what he needs to do to be a better person, I could not live with the guilt if he ever relapsed and repeated his actions…or worse. He needs to be consistently monitored and registered on a sex offender list, and this can not be done without me reporting it and cooperating with the authorities.
When the authorities came the same day, I gave all the information I knew, and he willingly gave up all of his electronic devices to be further investigated. The police said they would be able to scan his computer for any deleted files, and would most likely be able to recover deleted accounts. The officer I spoke with seemed understanding of my initial reaction to the situation (though I am not sure if there will be any consequences further into the investigation). He has come to terms with the fact that he will likely face jail time (and life-long punishments) for his actions, and he is not going to fight a guilty charge in court.
I am not quite sure what all is going to happen or how quickly, and I do not plan to make any further update posts. I will soon be deleting the current posts, but if anyone who is in a similar situation (or is simply curious) would like an update on the court process or have any genuine questions, I will keep this account active in the mean time so you are free to DM me. Anyone DMing me hate messages will be blocked.
I wanted to give an update on the situation so that any concern sparked from the original post can be put to rest, but *even more importantly*: anyone who has been or may ever be in this situation may not feel so alone in the process. I struggled to find helpful information or first-hand stories from people who have been through what I am going through, and it made it really difficult for me to process the situation realistically - I also felt *extremely* alone. I really appreciate the people who reached out to me, and even the people who gave genuine criticism and concern. There was A LOT of hate and overall apathy in the comments, and it’s really sad that there is so much toxicity on a sub that’s meant to be helpful and supportive instead of judgmental. I guess my expectations were a little too high. I greatly advise anyone else thinking of seeking genuine advice or support on this website look elsewhere, especially if you are a sensitive person (as I am). Many of the people on here are insecure and incapable of looking at your situation with unclouded eyes, and will give you bad or even harmful advice. I know it’s obvious to not take anything too seriously on here, but not taking other people’s words to heart can be very difficult, so be careful out there.
EDIT: my criticism of this sub is not just based on my original post. I have since looked at plenty of other posts, from people genuinely seeking advise, littered with hateful comments only looking to shame and make fun of people. If you are actually offended by this, then you are likely part of the problem, or possibly just blind to it. | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/px3pan/this_one_is_a_mess_i_27f_just_discovered_my_bf/ | px3pan | 21,973 | 810 | [
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2021-09-28T12:12:28 | I(m25) need family advice desperately, my little bro(16m) is gay not out to me but is our parents who aren't handling it well at all | Relationship_Advice | **I am not the original poster.**
Originally written by u/BenderUnitBen on r/relationships_advide and r/AskGayMen
TW: self harm.
Mood of the update: >!happy!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/njq8x8/im25_need_family_advice_desperately_my_little/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf)
I noticed a shift in my brothers personality at the start of this year and didn't think much of it. Then our parents asked me to start spending extra time with him, taking him on hikes and to play basket ball etc with me. No big deal we're not super close but do hang out occasionally, then they started asking me to comment on girls in front of him which seemed weird so I didn't do it. I noticed he didn't have his phone one day so I asked him if he forgot it and he told me he's being punished and not allowed to use it unless one of them watches him. I asked if he got caught looking at porn on it or something but he really just wanted me to drop it so I did. Later when I asked our parents about it they told me his best friend and him had gotten caught with pills which is why he's not allowed to see him anymore.
I had already started feeling weird about how under lock and key my brother seemed and honestly didn't know if I should believe them or not. Like I had offered him weed before and he said no so it just didn't seem like something he'd do. So I head to the Starbucks his best friend works at to see what he said/see if I needed to kick his ass over it and he told me a very different story.
He told me my brother was his boyfriend, that our parents caught them kissing and flipped out. Tossed him out and had made sure they couldn't see each other or even talk to each other, that he's been worried and trying anything or way he could to try to contact my brother but he hadn't heard anything back. He showed me some messages and pic's that confirm they are or were a couple. I thanked him for telling me and told him i'd do what I can to help him and my brother.
So now here I am trying to figure out the best course of how to help my brother. I don't want to do any more damage to him than what they have done so i'm nervous on if I should say something when he hasn't come out to me. I also have thought about letting him use my phone to contact his boyfriend or even getting my brother then getting his bf or taking him to him but I don't want to get him in worse trouble or be cut off from him if our parents were to find out. Whats the best way to handle this?
**UPDATE 1**
[BIG UPDATE TO I(m25) need family advice desperately, my little bro(16m) is gay not out to me but is our parents who aren't handling it well at all (spoilers not handling it well was an understatement)](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nm1wz8/big_update_to_im25_need_family_advice_desperately/gzmbh55/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)
Thank you seriously to everyone who answered the first question I read everything even if I didn't reply. To those that suggested I talk to my parents, trust me I wanted and really wish to tell them off but right now that is not the best option. I'm currently the only person they let him go out alone with, so if I go off on them or tell them I know they will most likely cut me out completely isolating him which is not a good idea given how depressed he's been.
The other day I ran to Starbucks twice looking to catch his boyfriend, fortunately the second time he was there so I was able to have him write a note for my brother. I figured it be best to have something to lead into the conversation plus I wanted him to write his number down incase my brother doesn't know it off the top of his head to text him from my phone. I picked my brother up like normal and fought the urge to go off on my mom, i've never had the best relationship with my parents but I can honestly say I hate them now. The game plan was supposed to be going for a hike but I said lets get food instead cause I didn't want to hike, plus I figured he might get emotional and I honestly didn't want him near cliffs or hiking emotional exhausted. I told him I actually had saw his friend and he gave me a letter to give to him that it was in the glovebox with my phone so he could text him if he wanted.
I thought he was going to rip the door off the glove box when he opened it. He read the letter and started crying so bad that I pulled over, he didn't understand why I would help him. Apparently our fucking awful parents had him convinced that I would beat the shit out of him if I knew, again I hate them. He cried more than I have ever seen another guy cry, I thought he'd call or text his boyfriend right away but he spent at least an hour sobbing. I just kept reassuring him that nothing is wrong with him, that he's not broken or damaged or something that can or needs to be fixed. I felt like a broken record but I think it helped or at least I hope so. After he calmed down I was able to talk to him the rest of the drive and dinner heck most of the night. I told our parents he'd crash at my place cause it got late when we grabbed food and got talking to two girls which admittedly led to no fight or questions.
They haven't physically hurt him thank god cause if they had i'd probably be in jail right now, hell before it's all said and done I may very well end up in it cause I am really furious with how they have been treating him. When they found out they apparently trashed his room searching for anything "gay" anything rainbow or not masculine enough and destroyed anything found including a couple printed pics he had with his boyfriend. They deleted all the pictures off his phone and blocked his boyfriend on it which was pointless because apparently it's not just him using it in front of them but one of them literally sits next to him if he uses his phone or computer. The rest of the time they keep them locked up from him. They search his room once a week still in case he finds away to sneak something in, like prison style toss him room. The rest of the time they either don't talk to him or berate him/yell at him about how he needs to be cured/fixed. He cried a lot through out talking about all of this stuff including me asking the tough question that he didn't want to answer.
I asked about how depressed he has been, self harm and suicide the works guys and fuck i'll admit it I cried to. He has been self harming and thought about suicide, including on our hikes making me realize i'm never taking that kid anywhere high up again. I made him promise me that he won't self harm and that if he thinks about doing it to lie however he has to and call me. If anything happens to him cause of my parents I will kill them. We talked about options and what can be done, I agreed to help him meet up with his boyfriend whenever possible and get him out of that house as often as possible. Which he did talk to him in between us talking which made him cry more but smile too. I promised him i'll do anything I can to get him out of that house permanently, emancipation fight for custody whatever. He hugged me more that day and night then I think i've ever hugged anyone hell embarrassing to admit but he even slept in my bed. He was able to see his boyfriend the next day before I had to bring him back home which fucking killed me a little inside.
I'm supposed to go over to help him with a project later today(Thursday) so we discussed that and I told him I have a few idea's that if I can pull one off I might be able to give him a spot to hide a phone cause I really want him to have one for an emergency. If I can make a spot I'll get a phone for him on my plan to keep stashed to contact me and his bf. I also called an attorney, soonest he can see me is Friday but hopefully he can help me work on getting him out of my parents house. In the mean time I already have another over night covered with camping, I was actually going camping with my best friend just now my brother and his boyfriend will be joining us. Thank you all again and wish me luck on getting him out of this as fast as possible.
TL;DR- Parent are bigots emotionally abusing my brother cause he's gay and they think it can be fixed or cured, i'm gonna do anything I can to help get him out of their house. He cried, I cried but he knows he has my love and support now.
**UPDATE 2**
The next update was posted on r/relationship_advise but was deleted, so he added the update to his post on r/AskGayMen
[Screw my life guys, my little bro is gay not out to me but I found out and our parents aren't handling it well what do I do?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGayMen/comments/njpyxe/screw_my_life_guys_my_little_bro_is_gay_not_out/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf)
I appear to still be getting answers so I'm gonna copy and paste the update I had post in relationship advice
“It's been a hectic week but worth it! My brother is now living with me!! It's not a done deal by any means we have a court date in about a month but at the least till then he can live with me. I have an attorney whose been fantastic and fast with helping me get things done, he is trying to get the court date moved up. He said we have a few options to pursue and is very positive that no matter what out come is made he will be allowed to stay with me, wether that be emancipation or me becoming his legal guardian till 18 remains a question mark(most likely me becoming his guardian). No matter what though he has my support emotionally and financially.
My brother is feeling great but I am still gonna make sure he starts seeing a therapist plus it will help with the legal stuff if he is. I'm relieved beyond relieved, it was killing a part of me knowing he was in that situation. We were able to get a temporary no contact order against our parents so we don't have to deal with them till court and hopefully if everything plays out like it should ever again. I'd say some day if they came around to him supportive maybe but they weren't great parents before that. Honestly had it not been for him i'd have cut contact when I moved out at 18.
Thank you all again for all the help and encouraging words, I read everything you folks had said."
**MINI-UPDATE 3**
I asked for his permission to post this over here and asked about him and his brother. *This is his reply*
You're welcome to post it if you wish and things are good. Court went in my favor and he is permanently living with me till he goes to college possibly during it's still up in the air what he wants to do. I'm pushing for him to go but he's considering taking a year off and doing a few online classes while he works. He's still in therapy and probably will be for a bit as the stuff took a toll that wasn't visible at first but has manifested in a few ways. He's still with his boyfriend who came out to his parents recently which went well. I've had to put dating on a bit of back hold but it looks like I should be able to dip my toe in soonish. | lazymisshedgehog | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/px51k7/im25_need_family_advice_desperately_my_little/ | px51k7 | 11,133 | 1,631 | [
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2021-09-28T14:33:31 | My Fiance's ex sent me their sex tapes and I made the terrible mistake of watching it | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i7f1k2/my_fiances_ex_sent_me_their_sex_tapes_and_i_made/) *is by* [u/ThrowRAsadfiance2020](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAsadfiance2020/)
My fiance (27M) and I (29F) just got engaged a week ago. I proposed to him when I heard from our friends that he was sad that his proposal plans were ruined by covid. We have been very happy this past week.
I guess this caught the attention of his bitter ex (28F). She contacted me on SM and sent me a few videos and said that even though I may be marrying him, I would never be able to satisfy him sexually the way she did.
For some background, early on in our relationship I was a bit insecure about this ex especially how attractive she was, but my fiance assured me that he would never ever consider being with her again, because she was abusive and used to force him into things he did not like. I soon grew out of these insecurities because my fiance was an amazing bf and always made me feel loved and very secure.
But the ex's message brought back all these insecurities and I decided to watch the videos she sent. It was a huge mistake. I have never seen my fiance so passionate/vocal during sex with me. She even had a video of her giving him a bj in a public place, I never knew he was into all that stuff.
I got really upset and decided to check if he had kept any of these videos on his phone. Turns out he hadn't kept any of them, but I found out messages discussing them with his best friend Sarah. Apparently his ex had sent these tapes to him as well to remind him how good it was between them. He had deleted them right away and blocked her, but was debating whether or not to tell me about this, and thus asked Sarah's advice.
The conversation somehow turned into Sarah asking who was better sexually, my fiance tried to evade the question but she pressed the issue for some reason. It looked like she was teasing him and was being playful, but after a while he got mad and sent her a mini rant. The important gist of it was basically this:
>If you look at it from a purely physical perspective, then yeah (ex) was better. She was more my type physically and sexually. She was very aggressive and passionate and always took the initiative which I liked, and she gave one hell of a bj. But she was also abusive and towards the end, she started using sex as a tool, and instead of feeling loved it became a desperate attempt for me to connect with her.
>
>Sex with (ThrowRAsadfiance2020) made me realize that sex was not just about the physical aspect. I feel loved and secure and happy when I am with her. Even if she is less my type compared to (ex) the emotional connection means that the sex is automatically great.
Although the second half of his rant somehow saves it, I still feel really hurt by his admission that sex was better with her. He did tell me that he liked me being aggressive and taking initiative, and I do try to be more like that, but once things start happening I end up becoming more passive and let him take the lead. I know I can try being more aggressive, but I am afraid I can never be as good as her and I can never be the kind of girl that can give public bjs. Now I wonder if he settled for me despite not enjoying sex as much with me.
Logically, I know I don't have to be the best at everything for my fiance. But it hurts because he is the best bf I have ever had in all aspects that I can think of and I always thought our sex life was amazing. Now I feel like I just got lucky because I was the first person he dated after that abusive pos and the bar was set so low that he decided that our relationship was amazing enough to make up for that I was not as good at sex as she was.
I feel sad and hurt and I don't know what to do, the ex managed to ruin what was supposed to be one of the happiest period of my life. I don't know how to bring this up to my fiance without sounding like a nut with no self control who thought it was a good idea to watch the videos and snoop on his phone.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i98ccy/update_my_fiances_ex_sent_me_their_sex_tapes_and/)
As for the update, after posting here and reading the advice and reflecting on my actions, I realized what I did was wrong and a violation of my fiance's privacy. I allowed my insecurities to dictate my actions. Even though my fiance is okay with me using his phone, my intent to snoop made what i did wrong. So I decided to just come clean.
I sat him down the next day and told him that the ex sent me the videos as well, and also came clean about the snooping. He was pretty upset, but surprisingly he wasn't that upset with the snooping, he seemed more upset that his ex had somehow managed to cause drama once again in his life. He told me that he hadn't watched any of the videos because in a majority of them he was uncomfortable with recording them and only did it for her and was afraid if watching it made me look at him in a bad way. This made me feel even shittier for what i did and I apologized again and reassured him that they did not in anyway lessen my feelings or respect for him. I wanted him to have some time to process things and decide what to do about the ex and what I did, so I gave him some space.
That night, I decided to cook his favorite meal as a sort of apology dinner and discuss things. He seemed in a much better mood. He apologized to me for not telling me about the tapes right away and for being an idiot and not realizing that she would come after me when he had blocked her. He told me he appreciated me coming clean about the snooping and understood how I got carried away and that I could have just talked to him and he would have given me his phone and reassured me that he hadn't kept any of the videos.
I asked if he was going to press charges regarding revenge porn and he told me that he wanted nothing to do with her and that we should just move on and enjoy our engagement and forget the whole thing. I told him it was completely his choice and I support him and would delete the videos and block her right away.
Finally, I brought up the texts and he apologized to me for the rant. He told me that was the first time in a long time that he had actually thought about who was better and that he had never actively compared me with any of his exes before. He told me he should have just answered it with a simple "my fiancee is better", and tried to apologize again. I told him that he didn't have to sugarcoat anything and that it was his private conversation with a friend and I have no right to be mad when he wasn't really disrespectful about me or our sex life. I also told him that it was okay if she was better and I didn't have to be the best at everything.
He explained to me that after talking to Sarah he thought more about it and that he hadn't really expressed his thoughts well in the text but he would like to explain it better:
>You are the best I have had, I am not lying or sugarcoating anything. If someone asked me who is the most skilled or the most adventurous sexual partner that I have had, then yeah it would probably be her.
>
>But that doesn't really matter because if someone asked me what was the best sex I have ever had, my first thought would be the time when we had sex right after you asked me to marry you, and then it would be the night when you first told me you loved me and third would be the time when we had sex in the kitchen the day I moved in. For all her skill and experience, she couldn't even make the top 3, and we have the rest of our lives to make sure that she doesn't even come near the top 100. So no, I am not lying when I say you are the best I have had.
I am not going to lie, despite what I said about not needing to be the best, just hearing what he said (maybe i butchered the quote, he was so much more charming and eloquent) made me really happy, so I kissed him and asked him if he wanted to try and break into the top 3 again. Then, we had sex :) . I didn't really specifically try to be more aggressive but I tried to focus more on what he was feeling to reassure myself that he was enjoying it as much as I did. That naturally allowed me to be the one in the lead and it was great. I could tell that he really enjoyed it as well.
I know I have to work on my insecurities and potentially see a therapist, but for now I will try my best to just forget what I saw on those videos and enjoy being engaged to the most amazing man I know.
TL;DR: I fessed up, my fiance was very graceful and even tried to take some of the blame. We made up and will continue to enjoy the post engagement bliss.
PS: I appreciate the harsh comments that told me I was wrong to snoop. But those of you that sent me hateful pms telling me that I was no better than his ex and that I should leave him? Seriously, fuck off. I maybe an insecure nut sometimes, but I have never ever taken it out on him and would never hurt him like she did. And me wanting to be the best sex he has had is not some narcissistic ego trip. It was because to me he is the best sex I have ever had (and hopefully ever will) and I wanted to be the same for him. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/px7p4w/my_fiances_ex_sent_me_their_sex_tapes_and_i_made/ | px7p4w | 9,338 | 888 | [
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2021-09-28T20:55:19 | BRIDE DISAPPEARED THEN REAPPEARED A WEEK BEFORE HER WEDDING AND NOW IM CONFUSED? I’M JUST THE FLORIST! | Bridezillas |
Link to post - https://www.reddit.com/r/bridezillas/comments/j1qm7g/bride_disappeared_then_reappeared_a_week_before/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
BRIDE DISAPPEARED THEN REAPPEARED A WEEK BEFORE HER WEDDING AND NOW IM CONFUSED? I’M JUST THE FLORIST!
**THIS IS NOT MY POST, THIS IS A REPOST**
ORIGINAL POST BELOW
Hey all, I'm a first time poster and really fucking whiplashed by this current situation.
I own my own flower shop and a potential bride touched based with me around June about getting a custom package together for her October wedding. We had a site meeting at a venue I work with closely with her "planner" and I sent over a proposal. Well the bride only responded back a few days later saying that I didn't fit into her budget.
Okay, and?
Flowers are expensive, flowers are perishable and I am an in demand florist. I live in a tourist hub (yeah, I know. COVID is on my mind every day 😭 but bills have to get paid) and i have been fucking SLAMMED since we opened back up Mother's Day weekend.
And I mean, 2-3 brides every other weekend, which is insane for being mid-pandemic.
ANYWAY, so she didnt respond even after i followed up to clarify my initial pricing guidelines based on the fact that at that time she had no color scheme, no flowers picked out, not even the faintest idea of what she wanted or was planning for. THIS IS A $20,000 WEDDING.
Its crickets until end of July. Okay, cool.
She called then, asking if i was still keeping her in mind. I honestly hadnt. I asked her if she had thought about my proposal anymore or if she had finalized anything so that we could START planning. She held and haws and says she will get back to me. I told her I was booking up and that she needed to sit down with her planner (who I hadnt talked to since the meeting in June) and figure out what we were doing. I get wedding planning is chaos and that COVID has put a monkey wrench in all things, so I wait.
More crickets until mid-August when I send out an obligatory email checking in, asking if there's any info or if I could assist in pushing her along to getting things actually on my board and in my account because I dont order shit until I'm paid.
MORE FUCKING CRICKETS.
So I go along, making flower dreams come true as I do and this cow calls me on the Saturday past, 7 DAYS BEFORE HER EVENT AND ASKS ME IF EVERYTHING IS READY.
MA'AM.
I DO NOT WORK FOR YOU UNTIL I AM PAID, FULL FUCKING STOP.
At this point, I had figured she booked the other florist in town, no biggie. He does beautiful work almost as good as mine 😂 I hadnt planned anything, ordered anything, or put any further thought to it. I spoke to my venue contact a while back through other projects and he said he hadnt been able to get any clear direction from her and wasnt going to push it. Maybe someone's gotten sick, maybe the relationship is over. Who knows and who cares? I'm just the florist.
At this point, there's no payment, no contract, no direction whatsoever. So I go into full HBIC-mode to keep good relations with the venue, with the bride and to get a chance to do some stellar work. I tell her to email me because now I want full records (beyond what I already keep) documenting every bit of info we exchange because I know shes an oncoming storm.
She refuses.
Doesnt matter because I'm out of the office until Tuesday (Sept. 29th) for personal reasons.
I email her again to tell her to send me the info and CC the wedding planner.
So she calls again the next day (Sunday), I'm still out of office.
I email her AGAIN and tell her I'm not going to go into town from my mountain hideaway because this is her problem not mine.
She finally sends the email.
Pretty much the same non-information I started with, except now they've added more flowers. Fine, she will pay. Oh yes, she will pay dearly.
I write up the quote and charge her for the rush order because I have to - had she responded anytime before September, we would have had every financial break they were pushing for wedding season at our feet and I always pass my savings along because its good for business to have happy clients come back even with the cost of flowers goes up!
The planner finally emails me (shes had my info since the jump) but only to send a timeline. I send her an email to communicate the current state of things, including the fact that they are now over budget for me for what I had to quote and I need to be paid TOMORROW, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its now 10:30PM on Monday night and I'm pretty sure shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow.
I'm excited though - I'm finally financially stable enough to tell people to fuck off, professionally of course.
Any other florists here who have been ghosted but the bride still thinks there's flowers on the way 🤣????? Any of y'all think I should have done or said more in the lead up to this, or what?
**UPDATE: THE MOTHER OF ALL SHIT SHOWS**
**Wow, was not expecting my previous post to blow up half as much as it did - thank y'all for being kind, funny and just as ready for this shit show as I was this morning.**
**Alright, now to the good part.**
**Zoom meeting starts at 10:00AM, so I'm ready by 8:00AM in my best warpaint, with my coffee visibly steaming in a way I only wish I could. I woke up to a stream of emails this morning that the bride and planner had sent trying to figure out who dropped the ball.**
**AS EX-FUCKING-PECTED.**
**I do not reply, but go through these emails with all of the receipts these two have sent between them since June when I became involved.**
**At no point after our meeting do either of them mention the flowers in exactly 7 emails between them. How the actual fuck do you plan any major event with just SEVEN emails??? I usually average about 20-30 emails with my brides and I just do the flowers so I already KNOW this is going to be a mess.**
**They've CC'd everyone involved: the venue, the caterer, the photographer AND the band.**
**Sweet Jesus.**
**I call my venue contact prior to this meeting and he simply asks, "What the fuck?" I ask him if he saw any mention of me at any point past June in these emails or if they had even mentioned anything in their communications with him. The silence is telling for the moment before we just both lose our shit laughing and he sighs like it hurts. I'm told to be easy on her so she doesn't cancel everything - I make no fucking promises.**
**9:07AM rolls around and the other town florist calls me out of fucking breath laughing after I sent him a BOLO the night before about these two idiots and he tells me that the planner called him as soon as he was open to ask about his availability for this weekend. The other florist STRAIGHT UP TELLS HER HE'S ALREADY TALKED TO ME AND EVEN IF HE WAS AVAILABLE, HE'S NOT GETTING INTO THE MESS SHE'S CAUSED.**
**Apparently, she's gotten married again recently and he didn't know her new name, but she hadn't changed her caller ID. He has a history with her and apparently (obviously) she's a fuck-all planner. He tells me to have fun because I'm neck deep in the shits now.**
**Now I'm fuming, not for myself as much, but for this bride. From her emails, she seems to think that everything was on track and that all she had to do was say Yay or Nay and have her future husband sign the checks.**
**I make a few quick calls to some other vendors because I need every bit of ammunition for this one.**
**Now its 10:00AM and I start the meeting.**
**We're all sitting there, exchanging good mornings - bride looks tired and stressed, planner looks anxious and my RBF is in full form. I'm not even going to fucking play today. Everyone seems to wait for the first person to speak, so I take a sip of coffee, straighten up in my chair and fold my hands in front of me on my desk before asking if the proposal has been approved.**
**The planner says that while my ideas are in line with what vision she has put together for the bride, she doesn't think that the rush fee, the overtime fee or the setup fee or fair. She says I've known about the wedding since June and should have been prepared, that her client should not be penalized for MY oversight.**
**OH FUCK NO.**
**I chuckle with my tongue between my teeth before I tell her flatly that it is not negotiable and ask the bride if she has any alternate arrangements. She says no and that she thought this was taken care of after she communicated to the planner about my email in August and just asked her to take care of it within the next week or two - AND SHE FUCKING APOLOGIZES FOR BEING CAUGHT OFF-GUARD AND FRANTIC BECAUSE HER FUTURE HUSBAND DROPPED THE CHECK OFF TO THE PLANNER THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER FOR ME AFTER SHE THOUGHT IT HAD BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.**
**I tell her I believe her and ask her if she'd like me to handle the issue once and for all with the planner, as this planner starts losing her shit and saying she only got the check for the band. All she does is nod.**
**I pick up all the printed documents I've compiled in the last 72 hours since this shit started escalating and tell the planner to shut up or I'd make sure she regretted it. She looks caught the fuck out because of course she knows exactly who I am - I am the only back female business owner in my area and I move different. I'm a local fucking legend and we all know it.**
**I ask her how I am supposed to be on retainer when I haven't been paid and have literally not spoken to her since June.**
**I ask her to prove any one piece of evidence that she tried to contact me or gave me ANY information that I had been booked.**
**I ask her how the fuck she was even still working in this town when she has a track record of dropping the ball - most egregiously with a cancer patient's wedding where she FORGOT TO BOOK THE VENUE?! (Thanks, hotel venue) I tell her that I will never work with her again, that I will turn away every bride sent by her no matter what name she goes by (which completely tanks her business in this area since the other guy won't either) and that I am going to give every vendor and bride I come across a warning that she is not fit to keep her own business together, much less theirs.**
**The bride's mouth drops. The planner's mouth drops and all I do is sit the fuck back to bask in it.**
**The planner looks like she's about to cry as she realizes she's fucking done. Forgotten in the oven and burnt to a crisp. I tell her to find the check wherever it fucking is and return it to the bride before the end of the week, or I will use this RECORDED Zoom chat to help the bride pursue her for damages for her monumental fuck up (we are a 1-party state with recordings and if it was a threat, I could care less) . The bride tells her that this conversation isn't done when it FINALLY clicks that she got screwed because this shit planner couldn't be bothered to do her job and keep it together. IT WAS ONLY FIVE CHECKS. She also says that effective immediately, the planner is fired.**
**The planner leaves the Zoom meeting without saying anything else.**
**I ask the bride if she's okay and she just says that she's been super overwhelmed with her only sister being sick with COVID which is why 45-50 days out (after my last email to her) and she told the planner to just pick something in their style and pay me. The planner told the bride that she'd handle it and** ***just never did***\*\*. The planner didn't even know that the bride had contacted me last week just to chat because she had gotten excited again. I told her that this is why I don't like wedding planners (SORRY Y'ALL!) because it puts too many cooks in the kitchen, things get misinterpreted and lost in translation and that I gave her my info for a reason.\*\*
**SHE is my client, not her planner. The planner's only job is to keep shit on track and she did fuck all on that front.**
**The bride apologizes again, tells me that she's going to take the bid and that she will be over to the store with cash shortly once she gets herself together, updates her groom and checks on the other vendors to make sure her entire wedding hadn't just imploded.**
**Half past noon, the bride strolls into my store looking a thousand pounds lighter. She says that she had been afraid to fire the planner from shortly after hiring her, but was worried about getting charged for no work being done and having to do it all over again. She just felt in too deep and I can understand that. The bride says that she made very quick calls to everyone just to let them know what had happened and to make sure they were paid.**
**HALLELUJAH A FUCKING REPRIEVE!**
**I asked the bride what she had said to the planner and she just chuckled before handing me a gift bag from the best wine shop in town and said, "Everything I fucking needed to. Sorry again and thank you."**
**What I would have given to be a fucking fly at that moment.**
**She handed me the balance due and then some IN CASH, waiting while I counted it out and we chatted about how she would have a story to tell (how I kept a straight face, I'll never know). She asked me if I knew any day of coordinators who I recommended and I put her in touch with a friend I knew had had a cancellation that day. My friend just texted to thank me for sending her the business.**
**I ended up coming out of the shit storm FUCKING SPOTLESS WITH A HELLA TIP AND A $200 BOTTLE OF FANTASTIC WINE, THE BRIDE IS HAPPY AND TAKEN CARE OF, MY FRIEND GOT SOME BUSINESS OUT OF IT, AND WE GOT RID OF A TERRIBLE WEDDING PLANNER IN THE PROCESS. THAT SHIT COULD HAVE GONE WAAAAAY WORSE.**
**I have fucking peaked and now I can't do anything but laugh as I enjoy just a sip of spite wine over my late lunch.**
**This has been the best day ever. I hope you all enjoy this even a fraction as much as I have.**
**ONE LAST UPDATE AT 1:57PM: Bride just FWD'd me a text from planner to her. Apparently she lost the check and was embarrassed to say for fuck's sake, so she was going to try and pay me out of pocket which makes no sense and didn't know how to tell the bride. She's found it though and will take it to the groom's job because she doesn't want to see the bride. I am fucking dead.**
**THE REAL LAST UPDATE: I should have asked my MIL about this planner chick from the jump since she used to be the local florist here. I was telling her about the situation while I was eating and editing this. The planner has been on and off drugs since the 80s. Problem solved. I hope she get's help.**
**THIS IS NOT MY POST, THIS IS A REPOST** | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pxforb/bride_disappeared_then_reappeared_a_week_before/ | pxforb | 14,539 | 2,364 | [
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2021-09-28T21:09:06 | 911 Dispatcher suffers from PTSD and depression. 7 Years of Updates | AskReddit | **I am not the original poster**
Originally [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/comment/c4invxv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) by u/cunt_rocket on an askreddit thread from 9 years ago. OP comes back to update numerous times in the comment itself.
Original [Thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I used to be a Police/Fire/911 Dispatcher, but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal. I actually had thoughts, but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center/hospital where no one knew me for help. I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves, shot someone else, or passed away on the phone with me. To this day, a few years after resigning, I still can't listen to a phone ring, or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack. I am fairly sure it's a form of PTSD, with flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and an inability to function sometimes, but I'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiance, or go to a doctor for it. I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me... I am very good at hiding it though. I also sometimes wait until my fiance goes to sleep, and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours. It's hell.
TL:DR - I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of PTSD, but I'm scared to get help for it because I don't think I deserve to be diagnosed with something like this, as in my mind, I was never in any real danger.
**EDIT: 1 year later:** For those of you who still message me about this... No, I did not seek help for my problem. Soon after I made this post, my fiancé left me, citing the fact that I "made her miserable". That was a huge blow, because it meant that I was effectively homeless, since I wasn't able to afford rent in our shared home. I was then forced to quit my job, move several thousand miles away, and live in a cot in my grandmother's house. I found that I was massively depressed, homeless, jobless, overweight, and *severely* suicidal. My ex-girfriend refused to help, and I was utterly, sincerely, totally, alone. But, I fought... I couldn't afford treatment, so I went ahead and began exercising my body, and exorcising my demons. I fought, long and hard, to eat right, to not have the urge to end my own life, and to be someone. I ended up losing nearly 120 pounds, getting into the best shape of my life, and kicking my depression in the ass. Today, one year later, I'm normal weight, I have a gorgeous new girlfriend, and I recognize that I needed help. So, future reader, let this be a lesson to you... the things you try to hide, the things that can and will destroy you if they get out, will destroy you eventually. Face your demons, fight, fight, fight.
**EDIT 2: 9/19/13!** Yes, I still check this account! Thank you to whomever gifted me reddit gold! I appreciate it sincerely. Second, and most important of all, the reason I check this account is because it is still generating amazing comments to my inbox. I really do love all of them, and I'm happy to have helped. I'm fighting to get to a better place in my career, and I'm living a very healthy and happy life now. I'm working harder and more focused than I've ever been, and I'm currently down 130 pounds. I ran my first 5k a few months back, and my nightmares and panic attacks have gone away totally. Again, never take the easy way out, folks, because there just isn't one. I'll leave you with my favorite quote:
"...Do not by any means destroy yourself, for if you live you may yet have good fortune. But, all the dead are dead alike." -CS Lewis
Thank you all.
**EDIT 3: 6/12/14**
We're engaged!
For those of you asking how I am, or giving me encouragement via the PMs, a sincere "thank you". There are days where I log into this account, see an orangered and use the wishes inside as my secret fuel to get through a tough day. I'm down 150 pounds total now, and I jog, bike, hike, and find whatever activity I can to keep myself occupied. I've got a wonderful job in a field that I love, doing all kinds of interesting research, and I'm now the guy in the office that brings in the donuts on Fridays. It's a funny turn-aournd. Sometimes, my old life seems like it was a bizarre and hazy bad dream (to use the washed-up phrase), but I can't ever forget that it was real, because there are so many lessons that my time in that dark place taught me, and so many lessons I feel like I want to share with others.
Finally, there are some things that I never shared with you folks about my story, such as when I mentioned initially that I was living with my grandmother... as tough as that was, 2 months after I moved in, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I helped with her care until the very end. I know I had my problems, but when a dying person that loves you with all of their heart tells you that no matter what, they're proud of you, you can't help but smile and carry on through anything. She passed away a year ago today, hence this post; it's kind of a thank you to her too.
My fiancee tells me that I should write a book about this whole thing, so that's what I've started to do. Might as well put that English degree to use, right? I hope someday you'll all get the chance to read it, because so many of you helped to inspire it. Again, thank you all, from the bottom of this heart of mine.
Thank you all.
**EDIT 4: 5/7/16**
We just bought a house. I honestly can't believe it.
I sat down in the bare living room last night, (no furniture yet), and I looked down at my wedding ring, looked around at the house, and broke down into tears. No one in the world, save for you kind folks, and my wife, know how close I was to ending my life. How much I thought that I was nothing.
All this work was worth it. It's always worth it.
I just wanted to say "Hi" again to everyone. I've been getting quite a few PMs lately, and they are still the most beautiful thing to me. There are so many people all over the world that have similar stories and have come through it all better than before. I guess that's the point of this whole post: Life is what you make of it, and no matter what situation you find yourself in, or what setbacks you face, the only real constant to the whole messy thing, is that you haven't failed until you decide that you've failed. If you get knocked around, and you find yourself face down, miserable, lonely, and with nothing left, it doesn't have to be the end. It's a weird and funny concept to many people who feel like it can't ever get any better (trust me, I know what it feels like), but you are truly in control of your own destiny. If you keep hitting dead ends and dark paths, don't give up. Never give up.
So, my wonderful friends from all around the globe, I love you. Thank you joining me on this journey once more, and remember that the journey isn't always easy, but if you want it to be meaningful, that journey is always worth it.
Stay tuned.
**EDIT 5: 12/24/2017**
Merry Christmas!
I wanted to stop by and tell you all that I (we) are still doing great! 5 years later, and it looks like the changes I made an effort to create in my life are permanent. Those changes are not holding fast because of me, it’s because of the support system I set up around me. My SO, my habits, my hobbies, etc, all keep me occupied and mindful. Yes, I still have bad days, and yes, I still have days where I need to make a conscious effort to be positive, but it’s always so worth it. I really just wanted to come in and tell every last one of you that 5 years ago I was alone on Christmas Eve, crying on a ratty couch, watching A Christmas Story alone, wondering what life is all about. Today, I’m sitting here with my wife, a pair of dogs, a fire, in our house, contemplating how close I was to the end, and how I can help folks in the same spot right now. You, if you’re reading this, you really do fit in somewhere. I know you do. Out there, in this great wide universe, is someone or something that needs you right now. It might be hard to see it, and you may think it’s impossible to ever find it, but you just need to try. Try for yourself, your family, or for that someone that could use you and what your bring to the world right now. I know that even at your lowest point, you can still be a beacon to other people. I know, because some of you, even at your lowest points, have dropped me quick messages to just say “thanks”, and they always make me smile... they ALWAYS help. There’s some really, really amazing people in this world.
Merry Christmas, all!
PS: Yes I’m still writing that book!
**Edit 6: 12/20/19**
Merry Christmas 2: The Return
A big, warm “Hello!” to everyone who’s reading this. I just wanted to stop in and let you know that things are still going great with my wife and I. I get messages from many of you on a pretty regular basis, and it’s probably the highlight of my week to go back and read them. Some of the messages are beautiful words of encouragement, some are people telling me their own story, and some are asking me for updates. The one thing that strikes me about all of the voices that reach out to me, is that they’re all positive, and all part of the same human experience. When it’s all stripped away, right down to the bare black and white letters of a Reddit message, we all have the same fears and hopes... we all seek that motivation to be a better person. I can’t truly say that life since my turnaround above has been easy, but it’s so nice to know that others are in this big goofy thing called ‘life’ with me.
You’re not alone.
But, on to the real reason I’m here... don’t give up. That’s the only message I can spread to you. Don’t ever ever ever give up. You never know when the next opportunity or amazing adventure will appear around the corner, or What wonderful experience will coax you out into the world.
Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you all, and again, you’re not alone.
PS: That book is kinda finished... anyone know a good publisher? lol
Merry Christmas Reddit, thank you, again, for helping to save my life. I mean it. You’re all a part of it. I love you for it.
*(I’ve finally had to edit out some prior edits to comply with the 10,000 character limit)* | Pot-Pilgrim | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pxfzwr/911_dispatcher_suffers_from_ptsd_and_depression_7/ | pxfzwr | 10,365 | 560 | [
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2021-09-29T15:22:52 | OP's wife kept tying his shoes causing him to be late for work. He's had enough and decided to teach her a lesson but she thought it was abusive. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gpa82s/my_36m_wife_34f_keeps_tying_my_boots_after_ive/) *is by* [u/ThrowRAShoes](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAShoes/)
Yes, I know the title is bizarre and I can't believe I'm actually writing this. My wife is a neat freak. Always has been. She throws notes on my desk out assuming they're garbage, my belongings get rearranged to the point where it takes me hours to find them, it's something I've come to accept. I'm not happy about it, but we have a pretty happy marriage on the whole.
I am a volunteer EMT, and I keep my boots unlaced up against the wall next to my clothes hamper so that I can throw them on along with my uniform if a call comes in during the middle of the night. Well, my wife has taken to tying the boot laces when she sees them untied. Not only does she tie them, but she tightens them and double knots them to the point where I need to undo the knot, open up the boots, and let a little slack out to fit my feet into them. I ignored it the first two times, but the third time she did it, I made it a point to bring up to her the next day.
I very calmly said, "Hun, I appreciate that you want everything neat, but please do not touch my boots in the future. Time is of the essence when I'm going on a call and at 2 in the morning I don't have the time to unlace them and open them up. It's not just a minor inconvenience, it's people's lives, so I would appreciate it if you left them alone."
She rolled her eyes, said I was being dramatic, and that she wouldn't help me out by keeping my things neat in the future.
Well she never stopped. No matter how many times I've asked her, told her, begged her; she just laughs and says, "Well you know how I am!"
The other night a page went out for a CPR in progress. I went to throw my boots on and they were, once again, tightened beyond recognition. So I'm sitting there on the edge of the bed, cursing, trying to get my boots open, and fumbling due to the stress of the situation.
My wife opened her eyes, groggily looked at me, and asked, "Don't you need to go on that call?"
I know I was in the wrong here, and I regret it. I slammed the boot into the ground and yelled, "Yes! I do! I would have been out the door five minutes ago, except SOME STUPID MOTHERFUCKER FUCKED WITH MY GODDAMN BOOTS AGAIN!"
My wife got up without another word, walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. I got my boots open and went on the call. By the time we arrived, the police had gotten her back, so I didn't have to do CPR, but I was sweating and shaking thinking my delay could have cost a life.
I got home and my wife wasn't talking to me. She ignored me the entire day until we finally sat down and talked. She said I had scared her with how angry I got, that she thought I was going to hit her, and she didn't know I was capable of getting so angry. Note: I have never raised a hand to her, nor have I ever yelled at her before; I am absolutely not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I apologized for yelling at her, and acknowledged that I hadn't meant to snap at her, I was frustrated with the situation as I needed to get to the person in need of CPR as soon as possible and it was a delay that didn't need to happen. I, once again, pleaded with her not to touch my boots because lives were literally on the line.
She told me that if I was going to overreact and make her afraid then she would never touch my boots again because she didn't want to live like that.
Last night, before I got into bed, I had a sinking feeling, so I went over and checked my boots. I was very disappointed to find them tightened up again. So I decided to show her how it felt. I went over to her closet and pulled out her running shoes. I unlaced the shoelaces on both of them, removed them from the shoes completely, curled them each into a little coil, put them inside the shoes, and put them back. I then went to sleep.
At 6:15 I was woken up by my wife screaming, "How could you!? Why would you do this?" holding up both laceless shoes with tears in her eyes. My wife likes to go for an early morning run and I knew she would want to get out the door as soon as possible.
I smiled and said, "You know how I am! I just like things neat!" She continued sobbing and walked out of the room. So, by the time she was all laced up again, it was raining so she missed out on her run. I actually feel pretty terrible about that because I really only wanted to delay her, not ruin her plans completely.
At this point, she's alternating between crying that I went out of my way to hurt her and ignoring my presence. I acknowledge that what I've done has been pretty childish and not at all constructive. I just don't know what to do.
She said, through tears, "You admitted you were totally in the wrong for yelling at me, and then you turned around and took it out on me in a different way! What is wrong with you?"
The problem is, to her, an apology means taking on 100% of the fault. When I apologized for blowing up, she took that to mean she was 100% in the right and that my feelings were completely unjustified. So at this point, I haven't apologized for ruining her run, because she'll take that to mean that she wasn't wrong to touch my boots.
I've tried to have these discussions but it's in one ear and out the other. We have such a good relationship otherwise, but I feel like this issue has reached a tipping point and it's going to continue to result in arguments until we resolve it.
How do I make things right with my wife while still letting her know that I won't tolerate her disrespecting my property anymore?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! I went through comments for six hours last night and I still have 1.8k to get through. I promise you I am reading every one of your comments and appreciate the advice. A couple things to address points that keep getting brought up.
1. My wife has never been diagnosed as having OCD. As an EMT, I'm very careful about labeling someone as having a disorder as I don't have the proper qualifications to make that diagnosis. I do agree that it's time for her to see somebody, get a proper diagnosis, and address these issues.
2. My boots lace up in the front and zipper on the side. They're not a full unzip but rather an unzip to open them up a bit. The way my wife is tying them makes them impossible to get on even with the zipper down. They're weather proof and great for standing on rough terrain or the highway after accidents. They're only about a year old and were actually a gift from my wife. I've not considered Velcro before, I'm a bit hesitant to do that as I don't know that they wouldn't catch on things or wear out quicker. I've tucked the laces in but she still tied them up.
3. This is a bit of compulsive behavior on my part. I don't leave my boots in the garage because my mother was a smoker growing up and that's where she would smoke. So I would end up with ashes in my shoes and having them reek of tobacco after. So I developed a habit of wearing them into my home. Also, if I leave them there, they're likely to get moved someplace 'safe' where it will take me even longer to find them. Putting the boots in the closet, she found them and tied them. Putting them under the bed or out of sight they were found, tied, and moved to the closet.
4. I honestly believe that a footlocker or any other kind of box would get moved to where I would have to wake her up to find it. If it's locked, then my keys are likely to go missing. For some reason, sitting on my dresser is not appropriate but in the pocket of a jacket downstairs in the closet is.
5. I am likely going to start putting my boots in the car. Though I had to laugh at the people suggesting decoy boots. As much as it may seem like it, I'm not living in a Spy vs. Spy cartoon.
6. I am a volunteer EMT. We respond from home. We don't have sleeping quarters, and I work the overnight shift so I sleep during my shift, get out of bed when a call comes in, drive to the building, and take the ambulance to the scene. This is typical of volunteer organizations. Paid EMS is more likely to have sleeping quarters or even require EMTs to be in the truck throughout their shift. Community based EMS is more likely to take 911 calls and respond to emergencies whether paid or volunteer. Private EMS is more likely to take transport requests such as to/from dialysis or chemotherapy as well as hospital to nursing facility discharges.
7. To those who have told me that I don't have the right to use the word lifesaving, on my dress uniform I have pins for 3 defibrillator saves and 4 for CPR saves. I've crawled into a car wreck to open someone's airway and bag them until we could get them out. While transporting a patient I recognized signs of internal injury and ordered we divert to a trauma center, where he was put directly into emergency surgery that saved his life. Did I do these things entirely by myself? No, of course not. I would never claim that I was the sole reason someone lived. However, I am, at my very basest level, as vital link in the chain or survival. So while I can't claim complete credit for any of the things I've done, I would certainly put a lot of blame on myself if someone didn't live because of something I failed to do.
8. I have a full-time job that I work 8-5 Monday - Friday outside of EMS. That is why I volunteer on the night shift. My wife works as a payroll manager for a mid-sized office. I earn about $10,000 a year more than her. We've been married for two years. While I lived on my own before we were married, she didn't move into the apartment until we got engaged. So, I think to her, that was my place, not ours, and she didn't really touch my things. I was with another EMS organization until we moved to a new town after our engagement. When we bought the house, I joined the local volunteer squad as an EMT. My wife regards my job as part of my identity while she sees the EMS as something I volunteer to do. She would say, "This is my husband, he is \[job title\]," not "This is my husband, he is an EMT."
9. Thank you for all the awards on this post. You're all very kind. I appreciate so much that you took the time out of your day to acknowledge things and want to help me.
tl;dr Wife keeps tightening my boots when I'm not wearing them, delaying me on ambulance calls. I finally had enough, and she's calling my response abuse.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gxh3g6/update_my_36m_wife_34f_keeps_tying_my_boots_after/)
I've gotten a few requests for update but didn't want to post until I felt like I really had anything to say. A lot has happened in the past two weeks so I'm going to try to go over it as best I can.
My wife and I started talking again. We had a very serious conversation and I did apologize for what I did to her running shoes, and then I told her I had to speak some truth and I wanted her to promise me that she wasn't going to roll her eyes, interrupt me, scoff, or get sarcastic with me, which she did. I told her that I was not kidding about my boots, that while most of the time I caught geriatric transports, falls, and nausea, there were instances where response time was of the essence and I didn't have time to play around with my boots in the middle of the night. I told her that there have been times when my intervention has been critical in saving a life, when my training has helped me recognize an underlying emergency, or when a call I made ensured that a patient was prioritized upon arrival at the hospital. I explained that a lot of the shit I see, I don't tell her about because I don't want to give her nightmares or make her worry about me. She actually listened and didn't dismiss what I had to say. She responded that she was trying to help by keeping things neat.
I responded, "But you're not. Sweetie, I'm not trying to be mean, but you're not helping. You're hindering me. One day it may be the difference between life and death. I need you to not touch my gear. It's where I know where it is, it's where I can easily find it in a short amount of time, and if you move it, you are impeding an emergency response. I don't care if it looks neat. It serves a function, it doesn't look pretty. If you want to help me, please leave my gear where I put it."
A few nights later I had my friend Officer Rich come over. Officer Rich was one of the two cops that did CPR on the victim that night. The three of us sat on our deck and had a few social distancing beers. He talked about getting there, doing CPR, giving Narcan, waiting for the ambulance and getting her back shortly before we got there.
He then pulled out a few photos of car accidents that I had worked. He showed them to my wife and pointed out, "This car went into a tree. Your husband crawled into the wreck, put a collar on the driver, and stayed in there giving him oxygen until we could get him out." "Your husband pulled a three year old out of this wreck." "Your husband recognized that the driver had a stroke and took her to a stroke center, which likely saved her life."
After that, I told her I had something I wanted to show her and I asked her for the same promise I'd asked earlier. When she agreed, I showed her a video on YouTube of a police bodycam from an overdose. This video showed how critical time is in getting someone back, and the training someone goes through in order to give the drug, do CPR, and utilize an AED.
I told her, "I'm not trying to attack you, I don't want to have a fight, but I want you to understand what I go through. That I hope every call I go on is transporting a boo boo, because otherwise it means that if I don't do everything right someone could die. If I don't get out that door as quickly as possible, someone could suffer brain damage while they're waiting for me to give them oxygen. If I'm upset and shaking because I had to waste time opening my boots, I might miss something critical and someone might not make it."
She acknowledged that she understood and told me she hadn't really thought about the danger of what I do until the other night when she saw the photos of the wrecks. I told her that I think she has OCD and needs to see a therapist because it's hurting our marriage. I listed examples of her throwing important things out, moving things without permission, and messing with my gear. I offered to go together and said I'd be willing to work on things together.
After I pointed out the pattern, she agreed that it was time to speak to someone. She wants to think about whether she wants to go together or go by herself, but she has promised me that she's going to try to change her patterns. I brought up her saying she thought I was going to hit her, and she acknowledged she'd been with guys who flew off the handle with little provocation and scared her. That she'd never seen me get that angry and it triggered her because she didn't think I was capable of blowing up like that.
She's been very emotional lately and has been going through mood swings. She's been worried about me going out on calls. The other day she started crying and said, "I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do." Knock on wood, since we had the big talk, she hasn't touched my boots.
Is everything resolved? Not by a longshot. But she seems to have a new appreciation for what I do. Thank you for all of your responses. I wound up not showing her the thread, because a lot of it was pretty harsh towards her. I recognize I cherry picked incidents that didn't put her in the best light, and there's a lot more to her and our marriage than that. She is the person I chose for the rest of my life, and I want us to work.
tl;dr Let my wife into my world a little more, she let me into hers, and she hasn't touched my boots since. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pxxnep/ops_wife_kept_tying_his_shoes_causing_him_to_be/ | pxxnep | 15,905 | 3,207 | [
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2021-09-29T16:58:38 | OP Is Stalked By Neighbor | LetsNotMeet | *I am not the OP, this is a repost*
&#x200B;
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/ounlg1/being_stalked_by_my_neighbor/)
Hi everyone,
I'm really writing this out as a way to vent because I'm in a situation where I feel really stuck. Any advice is appreciated but I'm not sure there's anything that can be said that will actually help. I've tried just about everything. I'm going to start from the beginning. This is a story 2 years in the making, so I'll try to be as thorough as possible.
In 2019, I graduated with my master's degree and moved to a relatively rural area for my PhD. Thinking we'd make an investment, my dad and I purchased a house. The intent was to rent it out once I completed my PhD. This house was only a block away from a dive bar where my dad was able to make some pretty good friends. He introduced me to everyone, and everyone let me know that I would be SO happy in my new house, because my next door neighbor was the absolute nicest guy you could ever meet. So, we met the neighbor and he did seem nice enough! He suggested we exchange numbers just in case I ever needed anything and I thought that was a good idea. What's the worst that could happen? A few days later, my dad left to go back to his home in another state, and I was left to my own devices.
Literally the day he left, it started. My neighbor texted me while I was away and let me know he left a gift for me on my front porch. In this text exchange, he started using pet names like "sweetie" and "cutie". I went home and he had left a hand painted feeding dish for my cats in my mail box. At this point, I wasn't that alarmed. He was just being nice, I thought. The next day, he sent me more texts with pet names and I took the opportunity to make sure he knew I was not interested in anything romantic. He replied back with a rambling text about how all a person ever needs is friends and he would like to be friends with me.
After that, he would send me texts frequently. Everything from inviting me fishing to telling me he left more gifts on my porch. I would often not reply or I would tell him I'm busy. I didn't want to be rude, but I also had no interest in any sort of relationship with him other than neighborly.
One night, I got a text from the manager of the bar down the street, letting me know that if my neighbor knocked on my door, I shouldn't answer. She then told me that my neighbor had walked down to the bar with a hatchet and told the bartender he was hearing voices that got louder as he got closer to the bar. He threatened to kill someone with the hatchet if the voices didn't stop. They called the police, and the police took the hatchet from him but made no arrest. The manager of the bar picked me up and I spent the night at her house. She told me that the police said my neighbor was on meth.
After that, I tried to keep my distance even more. But things got even weirder. One day, I went out to my car to find a dead squirrel in my driveway. This squirrel had very clearly been run over and moved to right in front of my driver's side door. I just stepped over it, got in my car, and left. When I returned home, the squirrel was gone. Shortly after, I received a text from my neighbor that said, "Someone or something put a dead squirrel in your driveway. Don't worry, I moved it for you." I felt like this was a weird way to word this, and I suspect he's the one who put the squirrel in my driveway.
Another time, I walked out of my house to see he had placed an unspent shotgun shell on the bricks in his front yard. He came out and told me that it was to serve as a "warning" for anyone walking between our houses.
For the next couple of months, I did my best to avoid him. He would text me inviting me over and I would come up with an excuse or just ignore him completely. I wanted to remain cordial since he was my neighbor, but it was getting very annoying and I was uncomfortable. He would text me as soon as I got home, telling me that he was watching me come and go from my house. Around Halloween, he hand crafted a large casket and wrote "here lies the last son of a bitch who played mind games. November 2012". What the fuck? All this time, still sending me texts. Eventually, I got fed up and I stopped responding completely.
Less than two weeks after I stopped responding completely, he threw a 50 pound flower pot at my front door. You know those big concrete planters? Yeah, one of those. I called the police who advised me to get a stalking no contact order. A few days later, I was watching TV when a notification popped up that my neighbor was trying to cast a video to my screen. I declined it, twice. I filed another report with the police.
During this time, I started the process of getting a stalking no contact order. I saw three different victim advocates who all told me different things. I went out of town for a conference, and during that time, someone had attempted to break into my home. I had an ADT security system, so while they didn't succeed, I was aware of the attempt. After the conference, I came home to the entire world shutting down because of COVID. I was trapped in my home, 24/7, with my stalker neighbor next door. Luckily, court proceedings for protection orders didn't stop. Right before court, he sent me a text telling me he was sorry for what he'd done. That he could tell when he saw me outside that he made me uncomfortable. Then he went on to tell me he can tell my hair has gotten longer and I look beautiful.
I went to court and provided all of the evidence I had. The timeline of everything that had ever happened. The texts he'd sent me asking if I wanted a massage. The texts I sent him telling him the way he was speaking to me was inappropriate. The texts saying that he knew he made me uncomfortable. I told the judge that I suspected he had attempted to break into my house while I was out of town. The kicker is, he didn't deny any of it. Actually, he told the judge that he took full accountability for everything. He said he was in recovery and was trying to turn over a new leaf. He didn't oppose the protection order at all. So, in March 2020, I actually received the stalking no contact order.
Everything was pretty quiet for a while. I mean, he did some weird shit but that's because he's a weird guy. It wasn't anything that made me fear for my safety. That is, until he got on drugs again. At this time, we found an unspent shotgun casing in my flower bed. It was consistent with the one he had previously used to send a "warning". This occurred a couple months after I started dating my boyfriend, and I suspect it was a warning to him. After this and for a variety of reasons, my boyfriend moved in with me. He moved in pretty quickly, but everything turned out fine. We're still together and as happy in our relationship as we can be.
New years, 2021, I was awoken to yelling. I turned on my security cameras and got footage of him sticking his head out his window and screaming obscenities at my bedroom window for about 7 minutes. It doesn't sound like a long time, but when your stalker is screaming threats and obscenities, 7 minutes is a long time. He called me a "harlot". He said "happy fucking new year". He said he was going to blow up his house with his gas line. I called the police, who responded. They told me that he never said my name so they can't prove it was a violation of the protection order. The officer said, and I quote, "there's nothing illegal about yelling in your own house". They left without even speaking to him.
All I could do at this point was do my best to avoid him. I parked on the street because my driveway is pretty close to his front porch. I got used to living with my curtains drawn. I always made sure my cameras were charged, all 5 of them. Yes, because of him, I spent over $1000 on cameras. Every inch of my yard is covered. Since then, he's been seen by me and by other neighbors talking to people who aren't there. Going outside and screaming nonsense. Things like, "I have Cheerios on my necklace!". Or, "I'll put my penis in your butt!" I'm not even joking.
This basically brings me to last week. In the morning, I was getting ready for the day when I heard screaming. "Someone is going to die over this sweatshirt". I turned on the cameras. I got footage of him walking around the alley behind my house screaming, "are you fucking proud?!" "How about I get my shotgun?! I'll get everybody all fired up!" I called the police. Once again, they didn't charge him with violation of the protection order. Instead, they gave him an ordinance violation for disturbing the peace. The police told me that it seems like he's off his medication again. And that was that, they left.
Last night, I was awoken to hammering outside my window at 1AM. He was cutting down his privacy fence. Horizontally. I called the police for a noise complaint and they just told him to stop. And that was that.
As I write this, he is outside continuing to horizontally cut down his privacy fence. That means the privacy fence only stands about 3 feet tall now. This was the one thing that made me feel relatively safe about hanging out in my backyard, and now that's gone.
All of this is to say, I'm fucking tired. I just want to live in a house where I can be sure that my neighbor won't try to kill me. Where I can feel confident that he's not going to try to break in. My boyfriend and I are trying to buy a house to move, but it's difficult. I'm a PhD student, so I don't make very much money. Renting won't work, because I have 4 cats (plus my partner’s cat and dog although we have a place secured for them if necessary) and finding a place to rent with so many animals is difficult if not impossible. I refuse to rehome them, so maybe it's partially my fault I'm stuck in this situation. My dad has agreed to cosign on another mortgage and I've gotten a second job. We should be able to save up enough money within a few months but until then, I'm stuck.
I just don't know what else to do. I'm tired. I'm angry. So I figured I'd write this to vent. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading it all. There's still so many different instances that I've left out. I'm just so exhausted.
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[First Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/p36hxh/update_being_stalked_by_my_neighbor/)
Hi guys,
No one really asked for it, but I'm doing an update because I got a lot of good advice. Since my last post, I reached out to my neighbor's family and let them know that I fear for my life. I told them that there's a way they can get him institutionalized through the courthouse if he was refusing to seek mental health treatment. His family just said that they would "talk to him", "have a discussion with him", etc., and that they were aware of the method to get him committed. This was almost two weeks ago at this point.
Well, that pretty much backfired. Last night, at approximately 10:30PM, he was yelling at my camera. He was saying a lot of nonsensical things, but at one point he said that there was "nothing wrong with \[his\] head or medication" and that I should "try out a psych ward for \[my\] motherfucking self". Of course, I called the police because I considered this to be a violation of the no contact order.
The police came and I got the worst officer. He told me that it wasn't stalking because he was talking to my camera, not to me. He didn't even go over and talk to my neighbor. He said he would send the report to the state's attorney's office.
I actually do research in the courthouse, and while I was hesitant to bring this up in the course of my professional responsibilities, I finally bit the bullet and did it. I wanted to do everything the right way. Go through the police and send it up the chain but apparently the police make it impossible to do that. I spoke with the attorney today, and she was very upset at the way everything has been handled. The report had not been sent to their office as of noon today. She called and left a message for the officer for the report and is awaiting to hear back. She told me she will call me tomorrow with an update.
At this point, I will be continuing to advocate for myself directly to the attorney. I will be sending every ounce of evidence, including pictures and videos, to the attorney with the hopes that we can file multiple charges of stalking against him. Of course, I understand not \*everything\* may be prosecutable but I know I have at least a few things which should stick.
I'm really happy to say that I am satisfied with the way the state's attorney's office is handling it at this point. I have gotten further with them in one day than I have with the police department in 18 months.
That being said, I'm still looking for a new house.
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[Second Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/puxgeb/update_2_being_stalked_by_my_neighbor/)
Hi, everyone. For those who haven't seen my posts before, [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/ounlg1/being_stalked_by_my_neighbor/) is the original post, and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/p36hxh/update_being_stalked_by_my_neighbor/) is the first update. Also, from this point forward, all updates will be added to this post. The mods let me know there shouldn't be any series and updates should be done within the posts themselves. I misread the rules, sorry! Additionally, I am waiting on a verification flair from the mods. I know this story is starting to get absolutely ridiculous, so I sent them every shred of evidence I have.
This time I have actually had quite a few people ask for an update, so here I am. I feel like it's a weird situation because a lot has happened but at the same time, not really much progress has happened on the court's end.
Last time I updated, I ended after I had spoken to the attorney at the court house. I had sent them all of the evidence they need, and to this day, I am still waiting to hear any update at all from them. I know the attorney handling my case is swamped so I have given them some room to breathe, but I'm back to a point where I may start pushing again.
After the outburst where he screamed at my cameras that I needed to try out a psych ward for myself, my neighbor went on another tirade. He was screaming about how he could see a spirit in the moon or something, and was just generally yelling nonsense at our camera. While it was all nonsense, it was very clear that he was speaking to our cameras. I called the police, and they came and again told me that there was nothing that they could do because he was on his own property, blah blah blah. Then, while the police were there, he started up again and was screaming (while standing on his picnic table) about how he doesn't have to apologize to the police, to the FBI, to the university nearby, or anyone. As soon as the police shined their flashlights on him, he said, "I know, I'm sorry". So much for not needing to apologize, huh? He went on to say that everywhere he goes he gets picked on, by us, by Walmart, by everyone. Apparently everyone is just picking on him and he's tired of it. So that's why he's screaming and standing on his picnic table. The police still didn't do anything and told me that if they arrested him, it would be unconstitutional. Then they went on to tell me that they have colleagues who know my neighbor's family, and they're confident that my stalker neighbor isn't capable of murder.
After that, things were kinda quiet for a while. Once again, there were weird things that happened or instances of him staring at our house or being an issue to other neighbors, but not to us so much. I can live with him just being weird; I'm not a difficult neighbor. As long as you're not putting dead squirrels in my driveway, screaming at me, or trying to break into my house, I don't have any complaints.
That is until this week. Two days ago I got a notification that there was motion near the east side of my house, which is where my neighbor lives. I look at the cameras and he's bending down doing something and I didn't think anything of it at first. That is until he was there for a long time and I kept getting notification, so I look outside. Lo and behold, my neighbor has started two very, very small fires on his side of the property line. Why? I'm not sure. He set them and then walked away. My boyfriend and I considered calling the police but the fires were so small and ended up going out on their own that we decided it wasn't worth it. All the police would do is show up and *maybe* give him an ordinance violation for illegal burning. At that time, I considered it a warning because I was due to testify in court against him later in the week (today, actually; nothing of substance came from court, he didn't show up and he got a default fine of $250 for screaming in the back alley which I described in a previous post).
After this, I spoke with a different, non-stalker neighbor who asked me if stalker neighbor had been giving me issues lately. Apparently, stalker neighbor had been giving them issues by taking pictures of their house and doing other nonsense in the alley behind their backyard. Apparently it was enough to cause alarm to the neighbors, but I don't know exactly what it was that he was doing behind their house. Another neighbor had also come to me and told me that stalker-neighbor had been antagonizing him on his bike by following him around and hitting his back tire. I also have him on video screaming at the neighbor kids while they play on their bikes. Clearly, this is not an issue just with me anymore. One neighbor told me her children don’t feel safe playing outside anymore. However, I'm the only one with a restraining order against him.
Then, that brings me to today, which today's incident is very, very much grounded in suspicion and speculation because I honestly have no idea what happened, but I find the entire thing very suspicious. So, take this information with a grain of salt. A house behind ours caught fire and was engulfed in flames; the whole home is destroyed. Since it just happened today, there isn't any official ruling about how the fire started, but I've been told that it started on the porch and that it was an arson fire. How anyone knows it was an arson fire at this point is beyond me, and I really am not sure that this is the case. Small town gossips goes wild and may not be accurate, so I'm not quite jumping to conclusions just yet.
However, if it comes out officially that it is an arson fire, I'm going to be highly suspicious of my neighbor. I'm very hesitant to send the police the videos of my neighbor starting fires in between our houses just a couple days before, because the police never take me seriously. I'm afraid of always reporting things and being treated as the boy who cried wolf, so I'll just keep it to myself for now. If they come out seeking tips or information from the public, then I'll send them the footage. But until then, I have no reason to believe that the police will do anything about the information I provide them.
So, that's where we are. I've gotten my finances in order to where I can get a mortgage and I have a meeting with a mortgage lender next week. Hopefully I will be able to get the fuck out of here before too long. I'm afraid of the fucker burning down my house or doing something else ridiculous.
Edit to add: After I posted this Friday night, another strange incident happened. My neighbor was in his backyard having a fire in his firepit and spraying down his whole yard with a hose. Not just his yard, but also his garage and shed. I was so paranoid about this and I was just watching my cameras like a hawk. I was really afraid he was going to set my house on fire. Eventually, I got tired and decided to lay down and try to sleep.
One of my front cameras had died and while I knew I needed to get a battery into it, I thought I could wait until the morning. It was the doorbell camera and while that covers a small porch of the porch, it's not good for security. Usually one of the other cameras I have in the front (3 total cameras in the front that capture different parts of the porch) catch what people standing on the porch so I thought it was gonna be fine. I was wrong. At like 1:30, someone pounded on our door, very obviously trying to wake us up. I was so scared someone was coming to tell me my house was on fire. I jump up and look out the window and no one is there. I'm totally freaked the fuck out at this point and decided to call 911. We didn't go outside until they arrived and then we noticed water or some other liquid on the porch. But nothing was fucking caught on video. The police went over and told him to cut it out because they were well aware that it was him. They said he had a friend over with him so it's possible it could be his friend too. Thankfully, nothing else happened that night but I still didn't sleep.
I'm honestly pretty mad at myself that I didn't go change the battery. But the doorbell one (which is the one that died) is the least reliable anyway because it barely even catches me leaving my house. And the other front one usually picks up whenever someone goes to the door. I just didn't want to go outside on my porch at midnight and my boyfriend was already asleep. Regardless, it'll damn sure never happen again because we added another camera to the blind spot. That's 6 cameras total. | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pxzo6f/op_is_stalked_by_neighbor/ | pxzo6f | 21,794 | 968 | [
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2021-09-29T17:06:57 | AITA for asking my foster-nephew not to joke about certain topics around my kids? | AITA | *Obligatory not the OP. This is an update from* u/ThrowRA_fosterkid.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pvr13j/aita_for_asking_my_fosternephew_not_to_joke_about/)
I have posted before about some disagreements I have had regarding my sister's 14 year old foster son which I am slowly working on resolving. I have recently become aware of an additional issue and I'm not sure if I'm approaching it in the right way.
Background information: My older sister (F) is fostering a teenage boy (R). R has experienced truly horrific treatment as a child and he has a lot of issues as a result of this. He is self-destructive, he has a severe eating disorder, he's terrified of adult men, he freaks out if anyone comes close to him, sometimes he refuses to speak for days at a time. I am fully aware that none of this is his fault, but I admit I find it difficult to spend time around him, it's distressing to see a child in so much pain. I accept that that's my problem to deal with.
My teenage kids - K (15m) and S (17f) - are very fond of R and enjoy his company, which obviously my sister and I are very pleased about. R seems to be a lot more comfortable with people closer to his own age. I was initially concerned that R would be a bad influence because of his background (e.g. there are some issues with substance misuse) but that doesn't appear to be the case. However, my kids have recently mentioned something that does make me concerned.
Apparently R often makes jokes or flippant remarks about very traumatic things he has experienced or about his current mental state. My kids have said they don't know how to respond to that. It bothers me that they're being put in that position and to be perfectly honest I'd prefer they weren't aware of the details of what R experienced.
I raised it with my sister, she confirmed that yes, this is something R does from time to time and apparently it's fairly normal for someone in his situation. She thinks that shocking people helps to reassure him that what happened to him wasn't normal, and sometimes making people uncomfortable is a defence mechanism.
I asked if she could speak to him about it and encourage him to avoid these kind of topics around my kids. She said she wasn't willing to "police" how he speaks when he isn't being abusive or hurtful to anyone other than himself. I ended up speaking to R directly without checking with her first. He was very apologetic and said he didn't mean to upset anyone. However, he also made a remark that it "must be nice" to be able to choose not to be exposed to these issues.
Right now, my sister, my kids, and most probably R all think I'm an asshole. I'm willing to accept that I could have handled it more tactfully, but I don't think my request was unreasonable. AITA?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pxzgpr/update_aita_for_asking_my_fosternephew_not_to/)
I posted asking if I was the asshole for asking my foster-nephew not to make jokes about his traumatic past around my teenage kids. Almost everyone who commented informed me that I was the asshole. Many expressed this very strongly.
I'm willing to accept I handled things badly and my behaviour towards R (foster-nephew) was unfair. My kids (17f and 15m) are still angry, as is my sister (R's foster-mother). I have apologised to R via my sister and asked if he would be willing for me to apologise in person. He has declined because he feels that every time he speaks to me, he "does or says the wrong thing". I have apologised to my kids. I also showed them my previous post and the comments. My daughter informed me that if she had read the post without knowing me, she would have commented the same if not worse. This was difficult to hear.
Many commenters accused me of disliking R, victim blaming and lacking empathy. I disagreed, and still do, but I accept that this is how my behaviour towards him is coming across. I've been doing my own research and reading about the impact of the type of trauma R has experienced and how to be more supportive. There is a specific service he has been involved with who offer online training which I have signed up for. I'm finding it difficult but I accept that I can't continue to shield myself from these issues. While I am working on this, I will take a step back unless he chooses to interact with me.
I've discussed the issue with my own kids more, particularly my daughter who feels very strongly. I now appreciate that this should have been my first step. She raised several points which I absolutely should have been more aware of:
* Although R's jokes were dark and slightly shocking because of the topic, they were never graphic or inappropriate. She pointed out that kids at school and online say much more shocking things even without a history of trauma.
* She thinks my actions have damaged her friendship with R because he now thinks he upset them and they didn't feel comfortable telling him.
* She finds the way I speak about R infuriating and dislikes being praised for accepting him and spending time with him because this is something she would choose to do regardless of his background. She accused me of not seeing R as a person and just viewing him as a victim which is something several commenters also said.
* Because of her increased awareness of the things R has experienced, she is considering applying to study social work or mental health nursing.
Even though the comments I received felt harsh, I am grateful that I am aware of how I mishandled things with R and my own kids. I hope improving my knowledge and awareness of the issues he is dealing with will be a step towards improving how I interact with him. Until then, I will give him space and listen to him, my sister and my kids. | theycallmemomo | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pxzuuk/aita_for_asking_my_fosternephew_not_to_joke_about/ | pxzuuk | 5,787 | 738 | [
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2021-09-29T18:04:36 | OP's mom lies to her, her whole life | Relationship_Advice | Mood of update: >!happy!<
A reminder that this is a repost community, I am not the OP.
[Everything my mother \[46/F\] told me \[17/F\] is a lie. She's sent me to live with my dad \[45/M\] in the US. I'm so angry that I don't what to think anymore. I can't stop crying. I physically ache](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppez5x/everything_my_mother_46f_told_me_17f_is_a_lie/)**.**
My mother (Canadian) and my father (American) got married young, had me and then several years later, divorced. My mother took me back to Canada and I lived there from 2-16. I saw my grandparents (father's) but only occasionally saw my father. She hauled him into court numerous times, suing him on both sides of the border. In my mind, my father was a screw-up. I really hated him, but loved his parents.
My whole life my parents were never in the same room. I saw my father 1-2 times a year, sometimes only for a couple of days. My mother warned me what an idiot and a tool he is. I resented him. They were constantly in court. My mom told me he never paid what he owed. My mother said he never paid spousal support, which is why we were so friggin poor. He couldn't cook. He was a leech. It was so bad that I couldn't talk with my grandparents about him because it would start a fight. I don't think I was ever happy to see my dad and I kind of liked that it hurt him, just like he was hurting my mom. Eventually I just stopped seeing him.
Jump to May and my mom tells me she wants me to renew my US passport and move in with my dad. She and my step-father are doing a road trip from Nova Scotia to Tofino. I pack my bags, fly to the US and move in with my dad. Immediately my alarm bells go off. My father is talking about starting school here and I keep trying to tell him no. He gets my mother on the phone who then tells me the truth that my step-dad doesn't want a teen girl in the house because of the temptation so I am living here forever. My mother quit her job, is selling her shit and taking up with him. I'm out.
I've been here since June and nothing my mother ever told me about my father is true. At first it was little things. He can totally cook and isn't a complete numbskull like she told me. He has a really interesting job I had never heard of. This whole family is like the brady bunch. My father has a great job, my step-mother runs her family business and I have a younger sister and two brothers. My father kept photos of me. My father has items my mom and nana sent him. I'm so angry. Nothing was the truth.
I was terrified to come here because of what my mom told me about the crime. It isn't true at all. My mom warned me about the food. Again nothing is true. My whole life was one big bullshit. I asked my dad why he didn't pay spousal support and my step-mom cleared it up. They DID pay child support. My mom got remarried twice and so the courts rejected her claims, which she also lied about.
I'm so far from home and I barely know anymore. My mom is gone with some biker tool. My dad is lovely. My stepmom is lovely. My dad put me in a tiny private school where my class welcomed me and made gifts and brought me things. Still I'm so angry. I just want to scream. Is it bad that I crawled into bed with my stepmom and cried?
I don't know how health insurance works or if we even have any so I don't want to ask for a therapist. My dad is already taking me to get my teeth fixed. I'm mad at him for not getting me out of there sooner. My tooth hurts but I don't know how all that works.
I want to scream in my mother's face. I want to ask her why she lied for years. We lived in a shitty apartment in Halifax. Where did all the money go? She lied about every single thing. No one took me seriously. No one seemed to care. I want to know why she did this. Now I'm tempting for a creep, so I'm gone?
I'm so lost. I want to ask my father about everything but I am terrified of the answer. Now I'm worried I'll have to go back to my mother. How do I repair things with my dad? How do I let my mother know what a horrible human she is? Has anyone ever had a toxic parent like this?
tl;dr I grew up hating my dad. My mom dumped me for a biker creep and now I am living with him. I'm living in the US for the first time. I'm living in the south for the first time. My whole life was a total lie. Nothing was true. I am so angry all the time. My teeth hurt.
## [\*\*UPDATE\*\* Everything my mother \[46/F\] told me \[17/F\] is a lie. She's sent me to live with my dad \[45/M\] in the US. I'm so angry that I don't what to think anymore. I can't stop crying. I physically ache.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pxwi7l/update_everything_my_mother_46f_told_me_17f_is_a/)
It’s been a little while since I wrote to you. I read every message and then was going to respond but it got locked. I wanted to tell you all what happened.
It has been really crazy. After my post was taken down, I went to speak to my stepmom, and she asked me to wait for my dad. We sat down and I just let it all out, I explained everything and went through everything that had been happening. I told them that I was scared of where we were living and that I needed help but I was worried about insurance and money. I told him that I felt sick all the time and was starting to lose my mind that my stomach burned and I felt like I was going to throw up all the time. Saying all that really started to change things.
When I first got there, my dad never mentioned my mom or discussed what happened. I felt crazy, I knew my mom’s version of events but I kept realizing that was mostly untrue and nothing made sense. My dad never provided context or any more information so I was just left knowing everything was wrong. So, my dad answered every question I had. He explained things from his perspective and stepmom backed things up with letters, documents, and other things. I had always wondered why my dad didn’t love me or my mom, why he left and why things were so bad between them. When I would see him, we never discussed my mom, we tried to enjoy the time we had together but I was curious and asked a lot and he avoided it. I guess because he avoided the subject, I figured it was all true. We were dirt poor and he didn’t seem to care. Now that I have the other side of the story and see what happened, very little of what my mom said is at all true.
To help push me along, my stepmom arranged for me to get help. My stepmom took me to see a doctor and get a check-up. He was really caring and concerned and helped me learn about options and services. He referred me to a therapist and I’ve already seen her twice. She’s great! She’s positive and helpful, she took everything I had to say and has been helping me find ways of managing stress. I went to the dentist which I hadn't been to one in years and all my tooth and jaw pain is getting much better. I had medical tests because of my stomach issues which was strange. It seems like I am okay. I’m not sick or anything and a lot of everything can be explained by stress.
My dad took me to the school principal’s office. The school counselor, principal, me and my dad all met. They were very understanding about everything and on top of seeing a therapist, they have a counselor at my disposal for additional support if I’m in crisis at school. So far school is going great. It’s more demanding than my old school but the teachers seem to really care, and I find the small size is really great. I have a tutor helping me catch up in math and I feel better about how well I can do.
I am adjusting to life here. It’s certainly hotter and bigger than I’m used to. It’s not really what you’d expect. I guess I didn’t know what to expect when I came here. I was told it’s scary and dangerous and so far, it’s anything but. We’ve hiked trails and gone to various parts of the city. I’ve tried authentic Mexican cuisine and had famous fast-food like In-N-Out. I tried BBQ for the first time, which is so good and so not what I had thought. Life is very, very different than it is portrayed on TV. I even met my very first Trump supporter which was totally not what I expected. All in all, it's not at all what people would think. People are really kind and so far things are much more positive.
I’m a bit older than my siblings but things are good between us. I was always told that my dad was lazy and poor. It’s the opposite, both my parents have good jobs and money isn’t really an issue. I realize my mom put a lot of her financial burden on me. My parents here are good at being reassuring and don't really discuss problems or issues with me. My siblings and I are getting along well and they show me a lot of things and we've done a lot of things as a family, which is also new for me.
As for my mom. She called randomly to see how I was adjusting. It went about as bad as you could imagine. They were somewhere riding around or whatever and we talked for a few minutes. She could sense I was angry so she hung-up. When she did call back a couple of days later, she got mad at me, told me I was an ungrateful b\*ch for everything and that I was toxic. I told her I never wanted to see her again. I have learned that my mother put this plan of me moving in action before she hooked up with her current partner. I guess the money is running out and I was no longer of any use. She called back again but my stepmom took the call. I could hear my mom drunk yelling so I think my time living with my mom is over. My mom had put things into emails that my father has kept as evidence. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I don’t think my mother and I will ever be together again. It makes me sad, I feel like she dumped me for no reason. She always told me how difficult and unpleasant I am and she picked on me a lot of things I couldn’t control. I don’t feel the same here. My parents don't criticize me and I feel less stressed out for just existing. My parents bought me all new stuff, so I feel like I have things of my own. I know it sounds crazy, but it makes me feel connected to something.
I am still angry and annoyed. I’m still really mad at my mom and if I think about it, I get overwhelmed. I still don’t get why she did what she did and I don’t understand why she doesn’t love me. I also kind of miss her sometimes.
I wanted to follow-up with everyone because so many people commented and gave me great advice. I wanted to tell you that I am doing better. It was crazy and I never saw so many doctors and nurses so much in my life. But I feel better now than I have before and things in my life make a lot more sense than they have ever in my life. I'm happier. I feel like a weight has lifted. My parents are taking me out of school next Friday and we're driving to California and I've never been more excited before in my life. I've always wanted to see California and see the Pacific Ocean. I can't wait.
tl;dr talked to my parents, they took me to a therapist, doctors and helped at school. My school was great. The doctors were great. Everyone was really nice. I feel better. My parents bought me new stuff to make my room my own and new clothes. I feel better. Talked with my mom and it went as bad as you could imagine. I've stopped talking to her for now. It's too crazy.
**NEW! Some of the father's side of the story**
*OP answered a comment asking what her father's side of the story is. OOP replied*
" Oh man, so basically my mom got pregnant on vacation. She went back to Canada with an eye of moving to be with my dad. She changed her mind and what ensured was 17 years of lawsuits. My mom got married (Stepdad #1) then he left. She got divorced and remarried (#2). That was the lowest period - my mother was suing my father and so I didn't seem him for over a year.
My from father's end, he was trying to get fair access to see me, but then things would get tied up in court and we couldn't. Between like 12 and 15, I only saw him *maybe* once a year. He talked a lot about how he missed me and showed me emails and letters sent via lawyers. My mom is dirt poor but was getting money so I have no idea why we were so broke.
Basically, my mom used the courts to keep my dad at a distance and my dad spent years trying to fight back. Now that I'm here I have to figure out this whole new way of handling what I thought was a bad dad."
*Another commenter replied that he had an American friend trying to get visitation or custody from Canadian courts, but gave up because it was too difficult.*
*OP replied:*
"in a way it makes me feel horrible. The courts let my brother keep my father from me. They protected her and punished him, and for what? So I could live in a shitty apartment with an alcoholic? I'm pissed at that. " | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/py11l9/ops_mom_lies_to_her_her_whole_life/ | py11l9 | 12,781 | 1,562 | [
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2021-09-30T14:59:07 | OP's husband keeps pressuring her to sleep with other men | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jbdmyj/my_40f_husband_42m_wants_me_to_sleep_with_other/) *is by* [u/ThrowRA80176](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA80176/)
My husband and I have been married for 14 years, but have known each other since I was 7 and he was 9. We were neighbors and his family lived just a few blocks away from mine. We were the best of friends growing up and started dating when I was 13 and he was 15 but broke up when he left for college at 18. During that time, he's had the whole "college experience" while I focused more on my education and career so I never really dated anyone. We reconnected when we were 22 and 24 respectively and have been together ever since. Needless to say he was more than surprised that I was never with anyone in the 7 years we were apart. It just never felt right.
Now I know he's been with several women before but it never really bothered me. I've pretty much indulged every sexual fantasy he's ever had as long as he promised that sex was just for us. I told him that all I wanted was a committed and monogamous relationship with him and it's been that way since.
About a month ago, he dropped a bomb. I've always encouraged him to be open and honest with me about anything but it was still a shocker. Apparently, he's always had this fantasy about me having sex with other guys while he watches. The very thought of this made me violently ill and I told him that I would never do it. He tried to argue for a bit but he dropped it or so I thought.
We own several small businesses together but I've since taken a step back after we had kids. I still help out with management every now and then though. A few days after that encounter, I came by the office to have lunch with him and help with some paperwork and I've noticed that some of the staff, especially the younger guys started acting all "flirty" with me which I found very inappropriate. I told me husband but he just shrugged and smiled saying it was "normal" cause I was attractive. Even when he had a few of his buddies over to watch basketball, one of his friends openly flirted with me in the kitchen while I prepared their snacks. Again, I told my husband but he just shrugged it off. He never really brought up that fantasy of his directly but since then he's been casually mentioning how good looking this person or that person is almost as if he's trying to set me up with them. Every time I call him out on it he just says he's not doing anything wrong and that he's just talking.
I'm at the end of my rope. I've always found pride in the fact that I've only ever been with one man. It's always been special to me and he knows this but it doesn't seem like he respects that at all. I've always been devoted to him since we were kids but he doesn't seem to value my commitment and loyalty at all.
Every time I try talking to him about it, he says he's already dropped it yet I always have this gut feeling that the people flirting with me were doing it with his encouragement. Before that, everyone knew how devoted I was.
What should I do? I definitely don't want to divorce cause I do love him with all my heart but this whole thing has been driving me crazy. Any advice?
Edit to add: I don't want to have sex with other men. I never have and I probably never will. The very idea makes me sick. I only ever wanted to do it with him cause I always believed that sex should be reserved only for someone you love but I don't really push this narrative to others that's just me.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jtg6tx/update_my_40f_husband_42m_wants_me_to_sleep_with/)
So it's been a month since I posted and a lot has happened since so I figured I'd update you guys now that things have somewhat settled in a way.
Here's what happened:
A few days after I posted, my husband had his friends over again. As I was making their sandwiches, one of his friends came up behind me and grabbed my waist and started calling me beautiful and sexy. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous post, but I don't like being touched by others unless Im close to them. Instinctively, I stabbed him with the butter knife and while it was dull, I did hit him hard enough to draw a bit of blood. His friend started cursing at me and my husband who rushed in the room after he heard me scream. His friend kept saying "you said it was ok" over and over.
I'm not exactly sure what happened next cause after I slapped my husband, I walked right out of the kitchen and locked myself in our room. I've never felt so unloved and disrespected in my entire life. Our kids were at my MIL's house btw. I didn't leave there till the next morning and found my husband sleeping on the couch smelling of booze.
After he sobered up, we talked. It was long but to summarize the whole thing...
Apparently, a few of his buddies were into wife swapping and sharing them with other men. Swinging is what he called it if I remember correctly. One just liked sharing his wife with other men. They talked a lot about their sexual adventures and my husband said he got jealous and it made him miss his promiscuous past and he stated fantasizing about it. I reminded him of my boundaries and he said he was so caught up in the fantasy, he didn't think anything else mattered. He said that night was a wake-up call and for the first time, he was genuinely afraid of losing me. I know he's not lying... I've known him for over 3 decades so I can easily tell when he's being genuine.
I told him how disrespected I felt the last few weeks where people in his life would flirt with me. I told him how miserable it made me feel that he wasn't taking my commitment to him seriously. I told him that as much as I loved him, the sight of him makes me boiling with rage. He said he understands but that he'll do anything to make it up to me. To make things clear, I'm not mad cause of his fantasies. I'm mad at the disrespect he's shown me since his confession and he has acknowledged this.
Long story short, we are currently separated. I just couldn't stand living with him in this moment in time. The kids and I moved out and are now living in his sister's guest house. It's great here and the kids love being around their cousins and my MIL (who's been living in the guest house since before we moved in). His sister knows the story and is on my side and his mother just knows that he messed up.
I'm in low contact with my husband now. He's in therapy which is good for him. I'm also in therapy to help deal with what's going on. He has also told me that he cut all contact with his circle of friends and in the few times I went to the office to drop the kids off to him, no one flirted with me.
I still love my husband so reconciliation is definitely on the table and neither one of us has brought up divorce yet. He knows what he needs to do and what he needs to work on and kicking his friends out was a good start. After some time we'll do marriage counseling but only after I've seen him put in the work. He knows he has to win me back and never take me for granted again.
I'm hopeful for our family to be together again and that I can get my old loving husband back but at the moment, I'm just trying to hold it together for my kids.
This sounded more like a rant but it's been rather cathartic.
Thanks for the advice in my last post, I appreciate every single one of them
TL/DR: We are separated but we both want to reconcile eventually
Edit: I'm here to clarify a few things
1. I didn't force him to cut off his friends. It was something I would've brought up once MC was coming up but he did so voluntarily.
2. I'm pretty sure my husband never slept with any of their wives. I don't doubt that he wanted to though. He simply never had the time nor the means to do so. Most of the time, him and his friends hang out at our place. All of his time in the business is accounted for so he never comes home late nor is he secretive of his phone. I swears up and down that he never slept with anyone else and I've known him well enough to know he isn't lying.
3. Reconciliation is something that's not guaranteed. He'll have to show me he's changed or rather he's found his old self again. He'll have to sweep me off my feet again and I definitely won't make things easy. It's not something that will happen overnight though and I still haven't forgiven him yet. It's like... I love him and hate him at the same time if that makes sense.
4. No, we won't be seeing other people | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pyljbg/ops_husband_keeps_pressuring_her_to_sleep_with/ | pyljbg | 8,590 | 1,316 | [
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2021-09-30T16:01:23 | Just a question | Relationship_Advice | Has anyone found an update to the guy asking about his girlfriend missing? He said he dropped her off after their date and hasn't heard from her since. Her friends contacted him after her birthday and no one has heard anything from her. A lot of people called him a dumb*ss and told him to go to her house. Also several people called him out for murdering her and trying to create an alibi. Anyone? I believe it was from relationship advice. TYIA! | urubecky | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pymt8q/just_a_question/ | pymt8q | 453 | 280 | [
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2021-09-30T20:08:13 | AITA for not wanting to be the maid of honor at my best friends wedding because she’s pregnant and marrying my ex? Of course story is lot more complicated than title... [LONG] | AITA (possibly fake but fun) | *I'm not the original poster. The mood is >!hopeful and wholesome-ish.!<*
___
##[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aneyb5/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_the_maid_of_honor_at/)
So two major parts of my life converged recently and I’m just devastated and question pretty much all my actions, hence why I’m posting here because I may be acting awful to two people I love dearly.
So part one is Tammy. My best friend since elementary school. She is literally my sister. We have done pretty much everything together, same college, same dorm, roommates, confidants, sloppy drunk mates, you name it. I love her so much.
Part two is Gregory. My college boyfriend. I love him as well but we just could never make things work. Had one of those hot mess relationships which are a combination of torture and bliss. We have dated off and on since freshman orientation (all of us are 27 now) but usually end up in flames. I always loved him so much that I hoped we’d mature and be able to make things work. He move to a different city after college but we’d stay in touch, send flirty texts and even went on vacation twice. We got along great as long as we both had our own places to retreat to if that makes sense. All along we both had dating lives and to be fair I never told him about my long term idea that we’d be together.
A year ago Tammy moved to a city about 30 minutes away from Gregory. She was having a really hard time meeting people so I told her since she knew Gregory so well, she should call him and see if he can introduce her to his group of friends. She did and I knew she was much happier. About 3 months after that the flirty texts from Gregory just stopped out of the blue which isn’t that big of a deal because it’s happebed before but looking back I should have known what was coming.
Tammy just came home for the weekend and said she was making a special trip just to see me. Of course I was super excited to see her. She came over and she just seemed a little off. First she told me she was pregnant, after we got past the shock and established she was happy and keeping the baby I was elated to be an aunt. Then she said there’s more and this is really hard. I about died when she said the baby is Gregory’s. She apologized and said she was so sorry, they had just hit it off and they didn’t mean to do anything to hurt me and they even tried breaking up for my sake but they just realized there was too much of an attraction and they started dating. She hadn’t planned on getting pregnant but now that she is, they are getting married. She said she hoped this didn’t hurt me and she always dreamed about me being her maid of honor and there’s no one else she’s ever ask.
I tried to keep my cool but I just lost it. I wasn’t mad at her, just really really sad. I told her that I loved her but I just couldn’t be around her right now and no way I could even go to thier wedding let alone be in the wedding party. She said she was sorry about a million times as she was leaving and she texted me quite a bit wanting to see me before she left town on Sunday. I just couldn’t do it. I literally cried all weekend.
Here’s the thing...if I were necer in the picture...they make a perfect couple. Perfect. Tammy’s brand of “firey” is a Much better match to Gregory’s calm nature than mine. They are both gorgeous and smart and great with kids. If two people should be hooking up to be great partners and parents, it’s those two. I just can’t help being hurt.
Am I the asshole for not wanting to be her maid of honor?
edit: this blew up like crazy. I had no idea, thank you I think pretty much everyone so far thinks at least my initial reaction is ok.
The thing that people seem most confused by is the timeline and honestly I was wrong in my OP. Tam and I only talked for maybe 10 minutes on Friday evening so there is a lot I don't know but I went through my texts and such and this is the best I can put together.
June 2017--Gregory took me to Hawaii, that is the last time I saw him. We texted maybe two three times a week.
May 2018--Tammy gets her job and moves to new city. We text or call easily a combined 100 times a day or more.
late July 2018-- Tammy confesses that she's really lonely, all her coworkers are older and she's seriously thinking about quitting and moving back. I tell her she should call Greg, she doesn't have his number so I give it to her. I still keep getting "flirty" but nothing overt from Gregory in this time period
August 2018-- I start a project at my job (promotions company) setting up for a December event for a A/B list celebrity. It's literally make or break for my company and my career. I work 16 hour day minimums and basically go off the grid. Greg still texts occasionally and I keep missing Tammy's calls.
September 2018--last text from Greg, like I said no big deal. I didn't even see this until today but Tammy texted me "please call me ASAP, we really need to talk about something." This adds a whole new element to the story but I can't believe I forgot or missed the text. I respond to another text of her's later in the day kindy of bitchy "hey you know I'm busy...give me some time to breathe." Another piece I forgot until I dug in my texts. She may have taken this as a message I wasn't ready. I assume this is when they first hooked up.
September to December: we still miss each other and honestly don't think I talked to her and looking back she texted about 5 times to every one of my responses and if I read it right, she initiated all conversations. I wasn't a very good friend. My event goes off pretty well and then I immediately leave for an overseas vacation with my family.
January. We still didn't talk at all but I didn't think much of it.
Friday the 1st. She drops the news in person she's been pregnant for about two weeks and getting married in April.
So that's the timeline, not sure if it clears anything but it looks like Tam may have reached out to me at least once.
___
##[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ao65n3/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_the_maid_of/)
I got so many nice comments on my original, and my first ever gold, I figured I owed everyone an update and sort of what I'm thinking now after getting a chance to talk it out with Tammy and see Gregory for the first time in almost 2 years. I needed the original is here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aneyb5/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_the_maid_of_honor_at/
I posted the original on Tuesday morning. I pretty much couldn't focus on anything else so I took the rest of the week off to have a self pity party. That wasn't working so I just decided screw it, I'm going to drive 7 hours to see Tammy and just tell her how I was feeling. I texted her on the way and she said she was happy I was coming. I really wanted to address all the very good questions you good people had brought up in my post from Tuesday.
So I got there and we basically hugged hello and I have to admit I was very happy to see her. What was so fucking weird is it was obvious Gregory was living in her place now. I don't even know why I hadn't even thought about this but he's a pretty messy dude so when I saw cereal bowls on the coffee table and socks on the floor (shit that used to drive me up the wall)...I was like wow...this is real. Thank god Greg wasn't there and Tammy apologized that she just didn't feel good enough to clean up before she heard I was coming.
So our conversation basically centered around what happened and why she never told me. At first she was kind of talking around it to spare my feelings and I got sort of frustrated with her and told her to please just tell me what happened. So it turns out they went out as a group right after I gave her Greg's number and they just had an immediate attraction. They said that for the first few times they hung out it was all just reminiscing about our college days and never mentioned the attraction. I guess about two weeks of hanging out they kissed for the first time and she was so pissed at herself she blocked his number and didn't see him for almost a month. I guess she got lonely again, they ran into each other and admitted they had real feelings. She said she texted me and told me she wanted to talk about it right after they agreed to start dating (I found this out on my own on Tuesday after going through my texts, but since I was so busy I wasn't very nice to her) but she knew I was busy and really wavered on interrupting the most important time in my professional career vs telling me some very hard to swallow news. She said rightly or wrongly she decided to tell me in person when she saw me again. Fast forward a little bit I guess they so serious they talked about eloping after only two months and were pretty much living together. She said they had a drunken new years even party and just weren't careful and that's when she assumes she got pregnant. She said she knew then that it was an in person conversation she had to have with me, her first free weekend was last weekend.
So I basically responded to all of this by saying I just didn't know how to feel. That in my brain I knew Gregory and I were not compatible but my heart always hoped we'd grow up and be able to make it work AND she was my best friend AND I basically hooked them up. And I just don't know how to deal with all this. I know it's over but even seeing his shit on her floor was sort of painful (honestly, that would have been a massive fight between Greg and I, like I said Tammy is much more chill). I told her that I would always love her and always be her friend but an April wedding is probably just too soon to be involved in a wedding party. She said she totally understood.
We talked about the elephant in the room for maybe 20 more minutes but honestly we were just talking in circles, saying the same thing over and over again. So we just sort of moved on to how she was feeling, how work was going, me apparently wearing some sort of man repellent because I can't even hook up on Tinder and all the other things friends usually talk about. Tammy is in full blown morning sickness so she must have barfed 15 times in the first two hours of me being there. At first I just let her do her thing...but then I felt really bad because we've been friends for over 20 years and I'm not even helping her. So I went in and helped put her hair in a pony tail and rubbed her back. And that's when it hit me that I would absolutely regret it and never be able to forgive myself if I weren't there for her wedding, pregnancy and having a baby...no matter who she was marrying.
We went to lunch and at that point I told her I was sorry I was being selfish and I would be her maid of honor. She said no way I was being selfish but would never have another maid of honor besides me. It's not going to be the easiest thing in my life but I can't not do it.
So we went back to her apartment and Gregory was home. Suddenly I felt like such an idiot because I couldn't possibly be in their wedding, let alone ever be around the two of them together. That was the most awkward hello I've ever had in my life (and thank god he'd cleaned up because I was just amped up with nerves to scream at him like I would have in the past). We sort of awkwardly sat on their couch not saying much but after a few minutes I just started telling myself again to grow up, don't let my own feelings get in the way of two people who may really belong together.
Seeing them in person together is even more saccharine sweet than I thought possible. They are perfect for each other. Gregory is supportive (I don't know how many times I had to claim best friend privilege when she got sick over loving fiancé privilege) and sweet and she's far more tolerant of him than I could ever possibly be. It was still hard for the rest of the evening but I think it will get better with time. I decided again I would be in heir wedding.
We had dinner and I got a hotel because even though I'm trying, i'm not ready to sleep in the same house as them. Tammy has to work today so i'm just hanging out before I see her for lunch than i'm going to drive back home. We have a long, long way to go but I'm so glad I came to see her because at the very least we saw each other and talked it out and I'm very happy that I'm going to be involved in these major life events with her.
thank you so much for all the input the other day and thank you for reading all this.
tl;dr: my best friend is pregnant and marrying my ex boyfriend. She told me on Sunday, I had an AITA post that blew up on Tuesday and I travelled to see her yesterday to hash it out. Things are uncomfortable but she is and will always be my best friend and I've decided I'm going to be in her wedding.
Edit: guys holy shit! This has blown up again. I literally just got home and have over 200 Inbox notifications. Thank you so much for the gold and silver. I can’t waif to read all this! Thank you so much!
Edit 2: I totally passed out last night so I didn't get to participate like I would have. I have to jump in and defend Tammy, maybe no one will see this because it's probably time this fades. Maybe no one will belive me but for all the critisms of her there's a good explanation that can most likely be explained away by me being a bad writer or not wanting this to be a narcissistic novel. For example, I saw someone saying "Tammy should have called after the first kiss." I've known her for so long to know that she knows I can be very irrational and angry (I alluded to it in the other post but I had to do a year of anger management therapy because I can be like dynamite when I get pissed, I'm way better now but she probably has legit ptsd from some of my freak outs) and she figured it was a one time thing so why poke the bear if that makes sense.
Secondly, I can't stress enough how busy I was last fall. Not an exaggeration to say I was working 16+ hours a day with maybe a day off every 20-30 days. I was planning a huge event that centered around a true narcissist and he would have me on my phone, texting questions and answers all day long. The last thing I wanted to do in my time off was get on my phone. I can count from that period and I'd say it averages 10 to 1 of Tammy texting me (I assume calls were worse) but one stretch I think I counted she texted me 40 times before I texted her back. It's bad timing more than anything because anyone of those may have been when she wanted to tell me. And I definitely appreciate her thoughtfulness of not wanting to spring it on me while I was losing my mind from lack of sleep at work. I agree with her that this was an in person conversation anyways.
I know Tammy is just an Internet Sprite to all but one of you (and that is so f-ing tworedditorsonecup thing, I wish I had the energy to do another post) but she is a real person who has been my ride or die since we were 10 and 11. We've fought, screwed each other over so many times and we've always forgiven each other because having her in my life is way more important than pining over a guy I spent most of my time frustrated with anyways. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pining and I cried last night over this...but like so many people said, maybe Tam-Tam's best gift to me as a friend was forcing me to get on with shit...maybe 10 years and 40+ breakups and just as many broken dishes and slammed doors...she was the sign the universe sent to make me move on from a guy who wasn't right for me.
___
## [**Update 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bagigc/update_am_i_the_asshole_for_not_wanting_to_be_the/)
So I log into this account from time to time and still a handful of people wanting to know how things were going. I decided to wait a bit until the actual wedding so I could do one final update. To recap, best friend moved to a city where my ex lived last year, I encouraged her to get uh touch with him, they started dating, she got pregnant and they fast tracked a wedding. She asked me to be her maid of honor, I asked this subs opinion on whether or not I was being an asshole for refusing. It was pretty mixed response but very intense on both sides. After lots of soul searching I decided I would do it.
Wedding was yesterday and it was actually a great time. It wasn’t without hard feelings. I still very much had feelings for Greg and those feelings came out in me getting very frustrated with him when he wouldn’t return emails or phone calls about what he wanted to do. But Tammy was much more patient and kind with him and it really reinforced that feelings of not, he’s not the guy for me. The ceremony yesterday was small and very beautiful and they are so in love with each other it’s almost sickening. I cried my eyes out both out of happiness for them but also after close to 10 years off and on, Greg and I are officially “over.” It’s never happening—and that’s a good thing but still worthy of tears.
On a good note (massive /s) my dry spell with men continues and I didn’t even get laid as the maid of honor at my best friend wedding. Yay! All of Greg’s friends were married or serious and Tammy’s brothers are off limits. The awesome guy who danced with me all night long was amazing in every way but I guess my penis wasn’t big enough for him to be attracted to me. The only single available guy was Greg’s 65 year old uncle who gave me a ride on his Harley motorbike, but even that fell through and I’m about to hit the embassy suites breakfast by myself.
Anyways...as a final note, this community saved my mental health during a really rough patch and I so appreciate the moderators and commuters for helping me see things clearly enough to be an adult and be there for my best friend. As hard as it was, I would be even sadder had I not been there yesterday. Thank you again.
___
*Still not the original poster. I don't need advice* | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pyrroq/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_the_maid_of_honor_at/ | pyrroq | 17,935 | 1,027 | [
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2021-10-01T05:06:02 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pz139c/deleted_by_user/ | pz139c | 9 | 933 | [
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