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11,701 | daddit | I’m so sorry man. I cannot even fathom the pain you are in. Sending love and prayers to you even though I don’t know who you are. |
11,702 | daddit | Bro, I’m sorry. Reading this at work has broken me. Nothing can be said. I’m just sorry |
11,703 | daddit | Bro I am here if you just want to talk. |
11,704 | daddit | For everyone here suggesting OP seek therapy: why not offer to help him find a therapist? I'm trying to find one myself & hate this process of searching for a provider of any sorts (i.e. are they in network, do they take my insurance, etc). I can't stand process & I have not had the trauma OP had... Can't imagine what OP is going through. OP - I'm so sorry for your loss. You're going through some shit right now that only an unfortunate few have gone through. Stay strong for your surviving boys & yourself. It's ok to be emotional & show your boys how you're feeling so long as you're not lashing out in an unacceptable manner). |
11,705 | daddit | I don't know where you are, but reach out to victim services if they are in your area if they haven't already reached out to you. |
11,706 | daddit | I shall keep you in my prayers. You need support from friends & family, but more importantly from others who have experiences extreme loss themselves. There are grief & loss support groups you can be one part of. You are not alone. Stay strong for your boys, but also allow others to help you. |
11,707 | daddit | Its not the same, but my dad died earlier this year amd here are a few things we did to help with the strain. 1- designate your closest friend/relative as a contact person. As word spreads of this tragedy people may reach out to you asking to help but that puts too much strain on you due to all the planning you are doing. Direct everyone to that contact person so they can relay what your needs are to those willing to help. 2- call in every favor you have to help with what you need. And if someone doesnt owe you a favor, start asking people. Even if its asking someone to come over and vacuum. 3- eat. Dont forget to eat. Its so easy to let the weight of the world consume you but you need to take care of yourself in this way. 4- Time is more important than money right now. If you can afford it use delivery services and if not ask friends to run errands/grocery shop for you. Buy the pre-sliced apples and pre assembled sandwiches. Anything to save you some time. Im so sorry for your loss. |
11,708 | daddit | The most important, and perhaps hardest, is to be there for your surviving sons. You will need to be their rock. This doesn't mean you don't get to grieve — you can and should, it's even OK to let your boys see it — but you have to be strong for them. Ask for help from friends and family. Don't be afraid to tell them exactly what you need, as they may not know what to do without specific direction. And get a therapist for you and your sons (both individually, but maybe also as a group). This situation is traumatic and in order to be there for your sons, you'll need to be as mentally healthy as you can. I am so sorry this happened to you. I have lost a child, but in a much different situation, so I feel I can relate in a very small way to what you must be going through. It'll be hell, but you can make it through as long as you take care of yourself. |
11,709 | daddit | One day at a time. This is horrible. Just grieve. Don’t worry about “moving on” or pressure yourself to look to the future. Just be present for yourself and sons. I would try to get someone in your house with you (close friend, family, etc). |
11,710 | daddit | I am so sorry for your loss. You are facing my literal worst nightmare. If people offer help, the one thing that was hardest after my father passed was sorting out the arrangements; getting the casket, finding and paying for the tombstone, having his tax file finalised and my mother's switched from married to single, that kind of thing. And we had been working on having our ducks in a row, because he had dementia. The thought of going into that shattered from the unexpected nature of the situation sounds terrifying. If you have anyone who you trust and is willing to go with you and be an extra support through that process, take them with you. Make sure they know to ask any questions they think might be helpful that you might not think of at the time. If you have someone who you trust to do it correctly on your behalf, to free you up to be with your kids, let them. Ask the ones who offer help to stay with your kids so you can sleep. Don't let yourself get sleep deprived on top of it all. It's a hard road coming, and sleep deprivation will make it that much harder. Just be careful with sleep aid medication if you need it, and be absolutely certain to only take it as instructed. |
11,711 | daddit | I am so sorry you are suffering. This is an unimaginable loss and a situation that pushes a human's ability to deal with reality to the limits. You are living through the impossible, please acknowledge that and give yourself grace when you're not ok. Get help: therapy for you and your sons. Have a family member stay at your home if you can to help with food, cleaning, being alone. Hopefully, they or another support person can also go to the hospital with you and advocate for your sons there. You may not be in the best condition at all times to fight with the hospital/insurance cos for what is best for your family. Make time to grieve...the more processing you do now, the easier it will be later. Help your children do the same. My heart goes out to you and please DM if helpful. At some time I recommend reading/listening to Grief Is The Thing With Feathers. It is a (imo, well written) fictional account of a father and his sons grieving their wife/mother. It may help you seeing someone else going through a similar process. |
11,712 | daddit | I’m so heartbroken for you. I wish you nothing but strength. As strong as the 6 year old may be right now (and I’m sure someone at the hospital will talk to you about this as well) death is often perceived as a temporary, reversible process by children 6 and under. They believe death can be fixed, and the dead can be woken. It isn’t until about 9 till they have the same concept of deaths as an adult. He’s a brave kid I’m sure, I just don’t want his state of shock and his perception of death to be misconstrued as strength! He should still get the help he is going to need. As should you my friend. Take care of yourself. |
11,713 | daddit | Hey, I just lost the love of my life, leaving me as a widowed father of a 3 year old boy. It has been enough of a nightmare to lose her and losing a child aswell is an unthinkable situation. I am so sorry for your loss and remember that’s it’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s okay to cry, yell, shout, laugh and all at once. For our kids we have to be strong and lead the way because as widowed fathers, we are all they truly have. Carry their memories with you and set out a time of the day, every day just to grieve in small doses. Setting aside that time everyday (start with 5 minutes and extend that time to a max of 1 hour) to fully embrace the grief helps, you can work on starting a memory book for them and collect pictures and small tokens of their memory for yourself and your children. This allows you to accept the loss and then after you make sure to leave the room and do something else so that you don’t get lost in grief and can be fully present with your children afterwards. Above all else, talk. Express your pain to people who care and find a therapist that works for you and your children. I’m here for you man. We will both get through this and carry them in our hearts for the rest of our lives. If you need to talk to someone who knows what you’re going through then DM me any time and if you want to we can work on talking on the phone or something. You are stronger than you know and you will make it through this to the other side, the only way to go from here is forward. Baby steps are still steps. |
11,714 | daddit | Let yourself be a wreck. It's what we do. Your loss is insurmountable. The only way forward is through. It's not about getting past this, it's about moving forward with the pain, learning to live with it. You are there for your boys, that means the world to them. You are doing all you can. |
11,715 | daddit | Lots of people have given very good advice but I couldn’t find this bit in here: Concentrate on thinking about the bond that you will have with your two eldest sons. You will have such a close loving bond with them through their entire lives that most fathers will never ever come close to having with their sons. I know this through experience. Good luck to you OP. |
11,716 | daddit | Mom here: I’m so deeply, incredibly sorry for your loss… this is… I’m just so sorry. First, breathe. Breathe deeply. Breathe. You need to breathe. I know you’re not okay. And that’s okay. You can feel your feelings. You can be angry. You can be sad. You can be hysterical. You have permission to be everything and nothing right now. This is a highly traumatic, life changing event. Be human. And it’s ok to let your surviving children see it. Let them see you’re human. Let them see you loved your wife and son. Let them see you’re worried. Hold their hands. Feel every emotion, don’t hold it in. It will harden you in ways you’d never intend to hurt your children with. That said, you can be grateful they survived and that you were at work, so you survived and can take care of them. You can be thankful they have at least one parent left. You can be happy for these facts, despite it feeling so wrong because something really bad just happened. You can take as much time as you need to heal. Here’s what I would do - find a trustworthy sounding board. Someone who can help you physically, mentally, and emotionally. In the best ways. Get a therapist (grief counseling) for both your surviving children and for you, as well as getting one for your family unit. This will help you all navigate through the grief. Find an activity for you do to that allows you to channel your negative energy into something productive - chopping wood for fires, building something, painting something (even if you’re just filling water balloons with paint and throwing them at a canvas out of anger). Whatever you do, make sure it’s something you enjoy and can throw all your emotion into. Sit down with your kids. Let them feel everything. Let them come to you with that anger, grief, sadness… let them know you’re there and going nowhere, and they can take as much time as they need to heal. Have someone help you funeral plan. Ideally, your wife’s best friend, or sibling, or parent, in addition to your own best friend, or sibling, or parent. Whomever you trust most. Your friend/sibling/parent is there for your support. Hers is there to represent her, to help you make decisions on her behalf. Check to see if she has a will of any kind, or any post mortem instructions. And I know you don’t want to think of this right now, but make sure you have one too. Let your boss know everything - about the accident, about what happened. Ask for a reasonable amount of time off (reasonable can be as long as you need). If your boss is good, they will understand that this is an impossible situation, and that you need time to cope, heal, and plan for your next stage. Tell the school the kids won’t be in due a family emergency- you can be as open or as closed as you need to be. However, bear in mind some schools will want to know what’s going on so they know what to expect. The school is your friend and a resource. Let them help. Accept help from everyone. Don’t push people away. But keep in mind, you are more than within your rights to ask people to give you some space. A simple, “thank you for being there for me, I just need some space right now,” is all it should take to show people you see them, you appreciate them, but you just can’t do it right now. And that’s ok. If you need a strong person to throw shade at, DM me. I will not be offended by your pain. And as a complete stranger to you, it might be beneficial to cast your voice into the void. This is such a hard thing you have to do. Don’t do it alone. You can do this. And again, I’m so sorry for your loss. |
11,717 | daddit | Fuck. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think getting therapy will help. Other than that, if you have a network of friends and family, you should tap into that resource. After you make sure your kids are okay health wise, if your wife had life insurance or retirement funds, I'd look into that. Sometimes life insurance funds will cover the funeral expenses. Again, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. Stay strong. Edit: If you need a person to talk to, DM me. |
11,718 | daddit | Words cannot express what you have gone through. All I can say is I am so sorry. Please seek help immediately. Dont try to shoulder this all on your own, it was way too much for any one person. Seek therapy for you and your sons as soon as you can. You need help to process this. Be the best man you can be for your sons, its what your wife would want. I'm so, so sorry... |
11,719 | daddit | OP, the loss is unimaginable. Everyone here would be willing to listen to whatever you want to say at any time. A response here was to take little victories. Taking a nice shower, making your boy laugh, one day you will see your kids get out of that hospital bed and that will be amazing. I do think when possible for you and the boys to seek a therapist/grief counselor. This is too much for you to navigate and for your boys to just be totally cool with this. I do think you should reach out to your friends and family when someone says “is there anything I can do to help?” Tell them yes. Maybe someone can go to the house and take out your trash bins, do laundry, pick up some favorite things the boys would love to have with them, bring you food. And in time, please also have a loving woman for those boys to be around. Maybe it’s grandma, an aunt, older cousin, your wife’s best friend, the neighbor who loves the boys. I do wish you healing and strength. Please remember that grief is not a straight line and there’s no time frame to feel healed. Please be kind to yourself and be kind with your boys. |
11,720 | daddit | Man… this is what nightmares are made of. Lots of love and support for you and those kiddos dude. Get family there to help in any way possible. |
11,721 | daddit | Holy cow man I am so sorry. Be there for the kids. I'm sure they are entirely overwhelmed and completely lost. Hard days will come but for now just being there and being a constant will help them. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, parents, coworkers, etc. People will have your back and be willing to help. And don't be afraid to continue talking and asking for advice/help here. Again, so sorry for your loss. |
11,722 | daddit | I'm so sorry. It is good and normal to grieve and cry right now. Don't worry about being a "strong" man in front of your boys. They want to cry too. Cry with them, let them know it's okay to feel these emotions. |
11,723 | daddit | I don’t know what to say. You have my internet hug and support. I’m sorry. |
11,724 | daddit | I Wish you and your 2 sons all the best in the world. You are Strong and you will stand this! |
11,725 | daddit | Post your venmo. I'd like to throw you some cash for dinner. Also, once the dust settles, get an board certified personal injury attorney. I'm an attorney myself and I am happy to help find you one. Just PM me the state in which the accident occurred. |
11,726 | daddit | My prayers are with all of you. I lost my husband when my kids were 4 and 7. You will all need therapy. Kids grieve differently and you have your own journey. They will be your strength and your reason to get up everyday. Embrace it. Mine are now 38 and 35 with 7 children between them. Our bond is incredibly strong because it was always us against the world. They are my joy as yours are too. There will be rough times but you will work through it. One day at a time for all of you. You will be in my thoughts. |
11,727 | daddit | My brother, when I first read your post I scrolled past it. You are living most peoples worst nightmare, and I cannot express how sad I feel for you. Firstly I am sorry. This is is bullshit. There is no reason why something like this should happen. If you are angry I understand. I will never know your wife, but something just tells me, that she is whispering in your ear that you need to be strong. She is with you, just not physically. Give your kids the best life you can. If you need help. Ask for it. Goddamn it ,you deserve it. I send you love and condolences. Be the rock she knows you are. |
11,728 | daddit | Godspeed to your wife and son. I am hoping for all the best for you and the other boys. Hang in there dad as best as you can. |
11,729 | daddit | I read this early this morning and it's been on my mind all day. I know it doesn't help, but I'll be thinking about you guys. I can't even imagine. |
11,730 | daddit | I’m really sorry… I’m new to the group. Young childless Female here who joined before and honestly loved this group for its positivity, so I came back. You have a community here that’s willing to support you through and I’m here as well. I’m truly so very sorry. I have no real words but if I were there in person, I’d just give you a hug. I’ve been going through something terrible myself. Many days where I thought I couldn’t survive at all. Being with my friends and family has helped me to keep going. You have your little warriors with you, despite the littlest warrior and your love now becoming angels, again I’m sorry. Keep going for them. I read somewhere that starting over doesn’t have to be a bad thing. That’s where I’m at right now too. It’s excruciating to consider but it’s true, we can make things right as time goes forward even if it’s so painful. Give yourself time to grieve my friend. No matter how long it’ll take, you need it. Your feelings are so real and precious in this. But keep going too. It may not be easy some days and you may feel like dying here and there, but there’s nothing wrong with that as you need those moments to release the pain. I’m in that boat too. I’m grieving something I lost. Not a person but my sense of security mentally and emotionally. It’s been hard. Mental health is no joke but I gotta keep going. You can too. |
11,731 | daddit | Psychologist who specializes in trauma here. As some folks have mentioned, request a social work visit from the hospital if they haven’t come yet. They will have a variety of resources to share locally and remotely for you and your kids. You can also request a bedside consult from pediatric psych if/when your kids are up for it. It’s not therapy like we think of for adults - it’s often play based and a good way to start the conversation. Find family and individual therapists who specialize in grief/loss/trauma - if you have the bandwidth to share where you’re located and who provides your health insurance I’m happy to generate a list at any time. I’ve worked with and been fortunate to walk alongside people who survive and even thrive after the truly unimaginable. I find that helpful to remind myself of when things feel hopeless. |
11,732 | daddit | Mate, I like to just peruse this reddit because of the support everyone gives each other. I'm not a father but my heart absolutely broke reading this. Sending you all the support one possibly can in this day and age. |
11,733 | daddit | Strength of mind, for your kids. Nothing else matters now. Later, when your kids are safe, let grief take over. |
11,734 | daddit | Oh my Lord. |
11,735 | daddit | Mourn with your sons, and be strong for them. Use this as an opportunity to grow closer to them. It won't fix what was lost, but it will be at least something, and that's better than nothing. |
11,736 | daddit | I'm more than sorry. I am devastated. That's not how anyone expects their life to go. Your little baby and your partner... No one's life should take this horrible turn. I have some words to offer in prayer, should you want to turn to God in this excruciating moment He awaits. It's revolting. I don't know if you ever heard of it, but I call it angry prayer. It's where instead of screaming or cursing to a person or therapist you do it to God. People sometimes don't understand or even take it, the scariest ugliest most uncomfortable parts of us, but despite what religion says, God wants it. He wants your truest self with rebelion, anger, pain, sadness. Turning to God means being accepted in all the darkest most horrible thoughts that might cross your mind in this difficult time. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." To bear it? How can anyone bear such pain? "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." What's Christ? As the history goes, he decided he wanted to reveal himself to us as the son of God and God himself, then he proceeded to die. Nobody has pictures of Jesus because that doesn't matter. What matters is the feeling. That pain you feel is the worst of them all, it's the pain of God himself. I assure you there's no pain greater. That's because there's nothing bigger or more precious and glorious than love. Love for you and your kids comes with the pain of the memories now and will be like that for a while. Don't run away from the pain. The strength of the pain you feel is the same strenght of the love you shared. You'll miss them. You'll be afraid of forgetting them. Don't let those thoughts overcome you, there's no fear in love. The love you shared is real and alive and forever will be. Know this. Embrace this. Deep in your heart you know it. When it's unbearable how much you miss them. When you can't take the memories that come rushing. Let it all out in your tears, blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Be the guide to your kids. Be the father. Have the answers. Your baby and your wife were a present. Our time here is a gift. It was given to us to cherish it. We do the best we can and in the same way the people we love are given to us, they're taken away. No rhyme or reason. That will always be a reality, but it is the small moments we share that make it worth to open up, to connect, to live, to take care of ourselves and of those we love. Cherish your boys. Cherish the memories old and new, even the painful ones. Share the pain only the three of you will know. Share the tears, share the prayers. Make new memories. It's your right to feel angry. To feel scared. To feel sad. Cry together. It's ok to let them go, for they will always be a part of you. Every moment you had together, who you became together and what you learned as a family. No one will ever take it away from you. The feeling of abandonment is ok when it comes. Feeling angry is ok when it comes. What you choose to do will always be the only thing that matters most for it will shape those around you continuously. Love is a verb. God is love. God is light. God is spirit. |
11,737 | daddit | Hang in there brother, your other kids will need you during this difficult time. I pray that God will comfort you and that you will draw strength from Him. Don’t carry this by yourself a whole community is behind you and never be ashamed-to ask for help. We mourn with you brother. |
11,738 | daddit | Praying for you |
11,739 | daddit | God will give you the strength |
11,740 | daddit | Ask for help. It’s ok. Your parents, your wife’s parents, your siblings, anyone. I can’t even imagine what you could be going through right now. |
11,741 | daddit | I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give you but I don’t. Lean on your family for support, get counseling, lots of it. It’s going to be a long road and I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. I’m so incredibly sorry. |
11,742 | daddit | I am truly so very sorry for your loss. |
11,743 | daddit | I lost my mother to a car accident when I was 19, she was the only one in the car thank god! My father was left to raise my 14 year old sister and he was a sober alcoholic at the time. Well not too long (within the year) he was drinking and couldn’t keep a roof over my little sisters head. He had lost my mother and she had been the glue of our whole family, we were never the same. My advise is to be a father to those boys because they just lost too! My youngest of 3 boys is 4 and I couldn’t imagine seeing him in that kind of position. You have a ton of support here in this group I’m sure, but, key for you is to allow people to help you and grieve as you can and as you should. But, remember those boys need you the most now! |
11,744 | daddit | Im here for you man, i know you wont even read this, but me and my family are here for you! Shoot me a message if you need to talk. Sending you all my energy |
11,745 | daddit | This is gutting to read. I am so sorry for your loss, stranger. Not sure if you have been through any other significant losses, but if not, prepare yourself for things in the next few weeks that could be important to tell someone about. If you aren’t sleeping at all, or you stop eating, get some help. If you feel hopeless, there are crisis lines available all the time. You can text 741741 to get help. Survival is possible, even joy can be there in the future. Go through your own grief in whatever way works for you. |
11,746 | daddit | Just hang in there as much as you can, and don't be too proud to accept help from anyone. Just be completely honest with the kids within reason, and tell them if there's things that are too hard for you to talk about. Or for them. You've been handed a fucking brutal pile of shit by the universe, but you can get past it man. |
11,747 | daddit | I am so so sorry. I wish I had some advice to give you that would help. If you’re a person who prays, pray to God to help you through this time. And lean on those around you. |
11,748 | daddit | I’m so sorry to hear this. Stay strong for your boys. I know you can! Let your loved ones help as much as they offer. Please message me if you need anything or to vent. Idk this just really struck a chord in my soul. |
11,749 | daddit | I wish I knew what to say. I have no advice. But I do have deepest sympathy. I can’t even imagine. |
11,750 | daddit | So fucking heavy I hurt for you. Accept help, focus on your kids and seek therapy early and often. Together with them and separately. |
11,751 | daddit | I’m so sorry brother. Find a grief support group. The hospital chaplaincy can probably help you out. |
11,752 | daddit | I am so sorry. Just remember your two boys NEED you. |
11,753 | daddit | “Son, just stand. Just stand, no matter what you keep standing.” |
11,754 | daddit | Just here to offer my condolences. This fucking tears me up, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I hope this sub can offer even a glimmer of hope and support. Keep your chin up and ask for help. |
11,755 | daddit | I am so sorry to hear this. I wish things like this didn't happen. I hope you and the remainder of your family make it through. |
11,756 | daddit | So sorry brother. Hang in there. There are no words to help right now. Just remember your 2 boys will need you. |
11,757 | daddit | Therapy for you and your sons. Seriously. You all really need each other right now and you need someone to help you through this time of grief. You’ll need to grieve. And you’ll need to rage. And you’ll need to be useless sometimes and you’ll need to come back and be an amazing dad for your boys. This is literally the worst thing I can possibly ever imagine going through. My heart goes out to you my man. But please please please, seek a mental health professional for you and your kids. It will really help a lot. |
11,758 | daddit | You, dear Sir, need to figuratively step through this. Please consider reading about Stoicism, as a mental philosophy / coping mechanism / outlook on life and personal matters. Not the western version of Stoicism, which is being stone faced. Rather, that the obstacle is the way. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9OCA6UFE-0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9OCA6UFE-0) My thoughts are with you. You can do this. |
11,759 | daddit | Sweet baby Jesus. My sincerest condolences on everything man. Take it day by day. If you have resources to help use them. When the time is right I'd also look into therapy of some kind for yourself and your kids. My heart absolutely dropped reading this. I wish I could give you a hug through the internet |
11,760 | daddit | I cant tell you specifically what to do but i can tell you that for a year after a major tragedy like this dont make any big life changing decisions for a year. Im sorry for your loss, stay strong for you sons. |
11,761 | daddit | This is crazy, it's incredible the trauma people go through and share here. So sorry to read this, I honestly have no words. |
11,762 | daddit | I’ve lost both my parents, each in a tragic different way early. It fucking sucks. Unfair? Yup. This is the thing though, you and your broken family still get to spend days and hopefully years together. Your wife probably died wishing she could spend more time with family and I know damn sure my mom did, so here you are with future time to spend with your kids. Do what you need to do to cope, reach out for therapy if you feel you need it, and then return to your family realizing this is all you’ve got at any moment and try to seize many moments. You are not alone in experiencing great loss. |
11,763 | daddit | I an so sorry for your loss No advice but please do take care of yourself and your kids |
11,764 | daddit | Be there for your sons and also start finding therapy and resources for you and them. Grief and depression are not simple things. |
11,765 | daddit | You need to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. Along with a therapist. You need to process this with help. I can’t imagine going through anything like this. I’m so sorry and hope my prayers help. |
11,766 | daddit | Take it a day, hour, minute at a time for now. Whatever gets you moving. Find support anywhere you can. People will be there for you, I’m sure. I’m sorry the nightmare has come true. I couldn’t even begin to understand what you’re going through. Stay strong. |
11,767 | daddit | Absolutely heartbroken for you. This is the time to lean on family and friends for help. Let them bring you food, take care of things around the house, help with funeral arrangements, calling to notify family, etc. There are a lot of things to do, but you don't have to take it all on yourself. I've been close to this type of thing a couple times now, and recently a tragic case on my wife's side just a few months ago. It will suck, but you will get through it. The funeral arrangements are going to feel like they're coming at you super fast and like you're being rushed. It will be ok, and the people in that profession are used to working with people in your situation. And seriously, make sure you eat... it's super easy to forget meals in this situation, and doing so hurts your ability to think clearly and even to grieve. Just focus on getting through the day and being there for your boys right now. |
11,768 | daddit | I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Take things one step at a time, this is the only thing I can say. |
11,769 | daddit | Shit man, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine. First and foremost, if you're not okay, that is just fine. If you can't talk to someone in life, reach out to me (I'm betting anyone here really) to talk. Just typing it out to someone who will listen will help. Know one thing, you and your two kids will pull through this and be stronger and closer than ever. Give yourself and then lots of grace. Reach out to family and friends, they will pull together and do lots of leg work. You will have people offering to help with food, cleaning, money, anything. Please don't be too proud to accept any and all help. It will take the stress off so you can be with your kids more. When you are ready, therapy for you and the kids is a must. Individual and group with the of you. You and your family will be in my prayers, hang in there buddy. |
11,770 | daddit | This sucks my dude. No way around it. Lots of good advice here. I wanted to add that it’s okay for your surviving kiddos to see you sad/mad/frustrated. They are experiencing this with you and will look to you for how to process this unthinkable grief. Using age appropriate terms to show sadness at the loss of loved ones and anger that it is unfair is important for them to learn. You may not be ready to be that role model yet but this is the time they will look to you the most for guidance. Don’t be afraid of “doing it wrong” or “making it worse.” Whatever your best is today, is good enough. Also, when please make sure to look into social security survival benefits in addition to any potential life insurance. Even if you don’t need the money, set it aside for college and other big expenses. ETA: if you’re still at the hospital, ask for “Child Life Specialist.” These people are an amazing resource for explaining hard concepts to kiddos. |
11,771 | daddit | Day by day. There is no one right way to do it - listen to yourself. If you feel you need help - ask for it. If you feel you can do it on your own do it on your own. If you need to cry - cry. You have the two boys so you will have plenty to do but please do not forget about yourself. The unimaginable thing is this: it will get better. The world will never be the same. The brightest day will for ever lack something but you will be happy again. The old saying "time heals" is as true as it is brutal. Day by day. |
11,772 | daddit | I'm so sorry! Reading this really hurts.. |
11,773 | daddit | Sending verbal hugs bro. My sincere condolences. I’d come help with house work and or whatever if we were close. I’m in Colorado. |
11,774 | daddit | Closest I have to relate to is the death of my sister, and that wrecked me. Vibes and thoughts, man. What you need to do is get help, breathe, and take one step at a time. Talk to family and friends, call psych support for you and your kids, and just be there for them. |
11,775 | daddit | I’m so so sorry. Reading this hurts my soul I can’t imagine what you’re going through and it’s absolutely unfair that you have to. No other advice than what people already said. Just adding to the sympathetic voices here. Hope it helps in some tiny way. |
11,776 | daddit | I’m so so so very sorry for your loss. You are suffering beyond belief, and your boys will be as well. But you need to take care of you too, not just your children. It will be almost insurmountable, and I do think you’ll need professional help, grief counseling and joining a grief group. See if there is one for your children too. You’ll hear, sooner or later, the dreaded “but mommy did” and “mommy let” and all the variations. That is normal. It is the grief and pain talking. Get a mental space where you can scream your lungs out and don’t let that transpire in your answer to your kids. Don’t fill up all your time but do try to find an activity for all of you together. If you don’t have one get a pet, preferably a cat or a dog and preferably with a bit of fur. Studies show that that really helps. And why not volunteer with your children at a shelter? Helping other animals and even sharing their grief is also a good healer. They’ll miss their mom terribly, and their little brother. But you’ll be missing the love of your life and your little precious boy. I can’t even phantom. I mean, I’m here crying my eyes out. I can’t even begin to comprehend your loss. I’m so very sorry. It is beyond unfair. But now you’re all those boys have, and they too are all you have. Please seek help. And there are also good groups here of people who, unfortunately, like you have experienced the greatest loss. Please seek them out. It won’t solve everything but it will help. And take little steps. And hold those boys very tightly and dearly. Physical contact is also a great healer. They’ll need to be embraced and kissed, and even sleep with you. Let them. And let yourself. All the best to your boys, I really do hope they make a full recovery. I’ll keep you in my thoughts. All the love! |
11,777 | daddit | I am so sorry for your loss. I am just so sorry for you. I'd give you a long hug if I could. Praying for you. Wishing you come out from this strong enough for your boys. |
11,778 | daddit | You get help. You have to. You cannot bear this alone, you will succumb. If you have nearby family or friends they are your first line of help. Get in touch, cry with them, and ask one or two to stay over and help in the house. If family or friends are not nearby, get in touch with a local church, preferably a smaller one (not a mega-church). Protestant and Catholic churches have something called Deacons, different in each language, but they are the caretakers of the church, and can probably help you. What do you need: - Help in your home, for daily stuff. - help with your kids. - You need time for yourself to grief, to rest, to restore yourself and this new world that is broken into pieces. Yell, scream, cry, laugh, everything. |
11,779 | daddit | I’m so sorry for your loss brother, I can’t imagine what you are going through, I’m thinking of you and your family today. Keep going and be there for your sons. |
11,780 | daddit | I am truly sorry that this happend and for what you are having to go through. Like amny have said lean heavily on friends and family right now. Be open and honest with them. Do not bottle this up. I commend you on writing this up on here in the first place. That is a brave and amazing thing to do given what just happend. Reaching out, sharing, having that vulnerability will help you so much in moving forward from here, but for now just have grace for yourself. I have a friend who was like your oldest. She ruptured her appendix as well and was airlifted, but I will tell you she is one of the most well adjusted people I have ever met and is about to be a licensed therapist with me. So I hope that can ease a little bit of your stress knowing your kids who are with you can still have a bright future with you. Again, I am truly so sorry for all of this. Take all the time you need on this. Reach out, find groups, talk with a grief counselor and believe in those around you to have your back no matter what you say |
11,781 | daddit | I'm sorry for your loss, that's horrible! I'll agree with others that you need to let yourself grieve. You need to ask for help in any way you can get it. Those boys need you to be the best you can be. It's ok to feel lost. I know I would be. One thing at a time. Be strong and know you'll make it through. |
11,782 | daddit | God bless you if you need anything please reach out. |
11,783 | daddit | I am so sorry to hear..... all advice i can give is to take a day at a time, just think if i can do today i can do tommorow. Take your time and dont shut yourself off |
11,784 | daddit | A lot of people here are (with good intentions) saying he should ask for this and that and do this and that. I think just buying milk at this stage is almost too much of a task so my advice would be to ask *one* person to help him and delegate everything. |
11,785 | daddit | I’m so sorry. I just wanted to let you know that this (we) internet strangers care about you. My sincerest condolences. |
11,786 | daddit | I am so sorry about your loss. Condolences to you and family. You are strong enough to handle this.. cry if you want to.. ask for help from friends and family. praying for you and your kids. They both will better soon.. |
11,787 | daddit | Basics first I guess. Keep the kids fed and warm, along with yourself. Take it day by day, and see where you need help. Don't be afraid to reach our for it. Have things done by professionals when it comes to things like sorting out insurance, home ownership, any grants/financial help you can get, help with kids and so forth. Now is not the time to hurry up and get things done and out of the way, but rather to slow down and focus on the bare necessities and your family bond (at least it wouldn't be for me, but listen to your own toughts on that). Hug your boys as soon as it's allowed, you're in this together, and you'll find your new way a a family again. Best of luck. |
11,788 | daddit | You don’t survive it, you live through it because you’ve got to be there for your boys. It’s okay to be in pains, it’s okay to grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss |
11,789 | daddit | Oh god, I can’t even imagine how hard this would be but from a son to another father, be there and I know you are, so keep doing that. You are allowed to grieve, you can have lows. Don’t be afraid to open up to those around you and explain your situation in order to get attention and support. I really want you to know that we the dads, sons, daughters and mothers of daddit are here for moral support. Lots of love. |
11,790 | daddit | This absolutely breaks my heart. I am so sorry my friend. Words will never be enough. |
11,791 | daddit | Bro, I can’t add to what’s been said, but my heart breaks for you. I pray God gives you what you need to help rebuild your life for you and your sons. |
11,792 | daddit | That is terrible, so sorry for loss, keep going and take all support you can find. |
11,793 | daddit | I was on the verge on not reading this. What you describe is pure horror, nightmare fuel. In time, this event will become... manageable. That is, life can go on and you still have two sons to care for. But I do not doubt that this will leave a heavy impact on you. It's not something to get over. |
11,794 | daddit | Holy shit man, there are literally no words that can make anything you’re going through right now any better. The only thing I can add to the great comments above is the line from Winston Churchill “if you’re going through hell, then keep going”. All I can think of is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and only worry about doing the next right thing - and one of those things is getting support. it’s ok to be a mess, there is no shame in it or getting as much help as you can whatsoever. |
11,795 | daddit | Just commenting to add to the love and sympathy expressed in the other comments. I can’t imagine the sheer grief you must be feeling. There’s been some great advice. Get family and friends involved ASAP. Those on your dear wife’s side too. Be there for your boys. Talk. Get and take help. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. |
11,796 | daddit | I can't imagine what you are going through. This interview gave a good perspective on loss. https://youtu.be/_u_TswLQ4ws I think as you work through this, it would be healthy for your kids to see you upset and if you can be there for them and continue to be a good dad as they grow, you would be one hell of a role model. |
11,797 | daddit | There's the ball in the box analogy that may help you in knowing how people survive this. Grief is like a box with a ball in it and a pain button on one side. At first the ball is very big and there's no way it won't keep bouncing and hitting that pain button over and over again. Over time the ball gets smaller and smaller, it never fully goes away though, it just hits that pain button less and less, the pain is still the same, the ball is just smaller. There's nothing that can stop the grief right now, throw yourself into your support network and try and be as honest as possible with how you're coping. Another saying I think fits is grief is just love with no place to go, surround yourself with as many of your loved ones as possible and help each other through this |
11,798 | daddit | I'm so sorry for your losses, I can't even begin to imagine the grief and pain you will be going through. I don't have any advice I think you will find useful but pass my condolences to yourself and your two sons. |
11,799 | daddit | I'm so, so sorry for your loss. The only advice I can give is this: Over the coming weeks and months you will have different needs. You will need practical things. Food, water, rest, transportation etc. Don't hesitate to ask for help with these things. Family, friends, even charities and non-profits can help with practical needs during and after a crisis or tragedy. You will also sometimes just need to mourn, need to cry, need to give hugs and be hugged. Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, let yourself be hugged and share hugs with others. Especially with family. "Being strong" right now doesn't mean that you need to be perfect, or a stoic tough guy. Be a dad for your boys, they need you and you need them. They are going to mourn with you and they will need you to cry with them, because it makes mourning less lonely. Don't put off mourning for any longer than it takes to care for your physical needs. I hope that your boys recover soon and you get to cuddle them in your own home soon. |
11,800 | daddit | Man all of the love and positive vibes in the world. All you can do is be there for the boys you have left and take it day by day. Not sure what we can offer you but if you need anything and you are in the USA we can help! |
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