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11,601 | daddit | Yeah, he often wakes up, yells at one of us, then demands food all within the same breath. |
11,602 | daddit | Yeah dude, we got spoiled with the first one. She started sleeping through the whole night somewhere between 6 and 9 months. The 2 year old still wakes up at least 3 times a night. The older one still sleeps like a rock. |
11,603 | daddit | Well, my middle child hasn't really gotten over it, but we suspect that he has adhd and is an outlier. We can both pray that it's a 2 year limit as my youngest is 3 and is a terror right.. |
11,604 | daddit | It was explained to me when I first had kids that the "terrible twos" don't start at 2 years old, but they last 2 years regardless. |
11,605 | daddit | Ooof it's comin |
11,606 | daddit | Remind me to let you know. My 10 year old still is. |
11,607 | daddit | She just wouldn't want to fall asleep. She would cry over two to three hours before finally sleeping in her bed. She would fall asleep in under half an hour only if I went for a walk with her. She would stay asleep only if I kept walking. I couldn't cheat by rocking it in place or do any tricks. Somehow she could feel I'm not walking. We tried different mattresses, different routines etc. over the first year or year and a half. When she got old enough to stand she would stand and cry in her crib rubbing her eyes from tiredness until she passed out... while standing... which made her collapse on the mattress. And then suddenly... She just learned to sleep. We didn't change anything. She just suddenly learned that now it's bedtime, time to lay down and chill. |
11,608 | daddit | [deleted] |
11,609 | daddit | Lol why? |
11,610 | daddit | This gets me all the time. "I'm done." "Are you sure? Is it ok if I eat it? "Yes, " proceeds to eat the food that's been sitting untouched on the plate for 10 minutes. ABSOLUTE meltdown every time. |
11,611 | daddit | Then ask for them next weekend. |
11,612 | daddit | I'm calling cps you monster |
11,613 | daddit | Does no one see the syntactic ambiguity here? I'm not advocating harming a child. "Them"...? Who? The cinnamon rolls? Who cuts cinnamon rolls?! |
11,614 | daddit | Either autocorrect or clever username tie in. Either way I like it. |
11,615 | daddit | That’s the way my dad used to make eggs when I was a kid. Didn’t usually put anything in em either, didn’t feel like it. Still thinks he’s the funniest man around when he asks if I want an omelette with a small smirk on his face. He did that with pancakes too sometimes, but the giant pancake was always a fun surprise. |
11,616 | daddit | Describes kids to a tee. |
11,617 | daddit | These ones aren't EXACTLY the same as the ones Mama makes! |
11,618 | daddit | That's our best guess at this point. Perhaps he didn't understand that flavored applesauce still contains apples. |
11,619 | daddit | That's good he's saying something. Mine would just start screaming. Took us some research to figure out what to do. |
11,620 | daddit | thoughts and prayers.. |
11,621 | daddit | OMG he died, RIP! |
11,622 | daddit | Oh god. Thanks. That sounds like a nightmare. If you have a second may the good lord bless you with an easier one. |
11,623 | daddit | As a former teen girl A car will be the… least of your worries:) |
11,624 | daddit | Being screamed at by an irrational teenager |
11,625 | daddit | Lol. The world may never know. |
11,626 | daddit | Thank you. Another thing that makes it so tough is that under one year olds don't really give as much as they take. They are so much work and all they really do is sleep, cry or just stare at you. But when the baby starts to walk and interact with you it becomes really rewarding and you get more out of it than it takes. Those who say that the time when the baby is small is magical are full of shit if you ask me :D Unless they talk about some cursed magic. In the past four weeks we have been skiing, ice skating, making snowmen etc. which has been a blast. |
11,627 | daddit | I think it does just depend on the kid, which is why I was only half kidding about second one. I don’t say this as a brag, but I think it might be helpful for pre-dads and dads w just one fussy baby to hear: we have a one year old and she’s been delightful for a while now: she hasn’t had a fussy period yet (maybe she’ll be a nightmare toddler) and I’d say since 2 or 3 months she’s been interactive and playful, obviously with each month passing we get more from her. She loves to play with us and her caregivers, smiles and laughs easily, has favorite songs, takes the lead on peekaboo, etc etc. I could gush all day. So I’m just saying I think that timeline is going to be different for each kid. Our daughter wasn’t able to give anything back initially but it was more like for 2 months rather than the whole year. Of course, now we’ve been terribly spoiled and I’m well aware of it. |
11,628 | daddit | If you have family, now is the time to ask for help. This is what family is for, among other things |
11,629 | daddit | I'm very sorry to hear all of this. First, it's ok to not be ok. If you haven't already, you need to be talking with a therapist. You're at a critical period where you probably need to speaking to them more than once a week. Don't try to do anything significant for a while. You just have to find wins in the upcoming hour. Eating a healthy meal can be a victory right now. Just being with your child who's awake and watching a movie can be a successful hour. You're going to feel like you lost more hours than you won right now, and that's completely fine. The very small wins are going to be the only way to move forward. And again, it's OK to not be winning most of the time right now. Again, I'm so sorry. I wish I had better advice. |
11,630 | daddit | You’re in a nightmare man. There’s nothing you can or can’t do right now that wouldn’t be understandable. I hope for your boys to pull through and for you to make it through. There is no other side to make it to. I read a message like this and think, what the fuck is there to even say but feel like I need to say something just so you know in the smallest and most trivial of ways you aren’t alone in your grief. I’m saddened by the loss of your wife and baby and all the pain their absence will bring. I hope you don’t give up and I mean that, your boys lost 2 of the closest people they have in this world, you’re who they have now. You with them have also lost more than most people ever will and I’m not ignoring that, I’m only saying those boys will need you to lean on and I expect you will also need them at times. |
11,631 | daddit | Lost my wife to cancer a few years ago, leaving my 7 year old and I. Our situations are different, but with the same end result; loss. A few strategies that helped me get through it were: * accept the help people are offering, make yes the default answer. * take FMLA time, hopefully you've got some saved sick/pto time or short term disability. (Depression fits in that definition) * be ok with being emotional, but try not to take it out on someone that doesn't deserve it. * be the best dad you can for your kids. It's going to be tough at first but it will get easier, I promise. * it's been 5 1/2 years since my wife passed, and it has gotten easier, but damn it still hurts. Try to go easy on yourself, PTSD is a real thing for widowers and widows (kids too). * don't make any drastic decisions the first year, or get into any relationships. Be there for the kids first. * ask someone to act as your liaison with the insurance company. My heart goes out to you and your family. I offer my sincerest condolences. The next few days and weeks will be tough, but you're going to make it. |
11,632 | daddit | It’s okay to cry. Drink water. Be there for your kids and see if family or friends can handle house stuff while you are taking care of your family. |
11,633 | daddit | Do NOT turn to alcohol. After my brother lost his wife, he turned to the bottle hard. Now my niece and nephew have no parents left a year and a half later. Go find a friend, go find a therapist, so find God, just don't find alcohol. |
11,634 | daddit | Can’t even imagine the pain. I’ll try and say what I would do. Just remember your kids need you. Try and put their need ahead of any guilt you might feel. Survive one day at a time. |
11,635 | daddit | I have no words. I’m so sorry man, if I could jump through the digital world to you and just hug you I would. I cannot wrap my head around this at all, I’m in tears for you. |
11,636 | daddit | What an absolutely devastating situation. My sincere condolences to you and all the good healing vibes for your boys. Right now the focus is on simply getting by. Meeting your own basic needs and doing all you can to be there for your boys. Lean on your support system and ask for help, even if you aren’t sure what to ask for. Know that grief is a journey that is not linear. Don’t be afraid to seek therapy to process all of this. If your employer has an employee assistance program, find out how what they can offer to help. |
11,637 | daddit | I lost my identical twin at 32 years old, I can tell you that everyone is different but with me it took 7 years of denial, 7 years of anger and 7 years of guilt (I’ve read most people are 3 year periods). I didn’t even realize I was going through this and didn’t seek any help or support besides hiding it in booze. Your going to need for you and your surviving kids a lot of support and talking to get through this. It does get better. Just don’t use drugs or alcohol to try and hide pain, it makes it worse and causes other problems. I would get a church family or in counseling regularly. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I believe my twin is still with me in energy and spirit and I’ll be reunited one day. |
11,638 | daddit | No advice. I'm just commenting to say that i am so so sorry, OP. |
11,639 | daddit | Bro, I am so sorry. All you can do right now is be there for your 4 and 6 y/os. Get your brother, sister, brother-in-law, cousin, dad or best friend to handle the arranging of things for you. Tag them in. Let them contact all the people that need to know, and all the things that have to be documented and day to day life for you. Right now is purest survival mode and you are going to need someone to deal with all the other shit while you process your grief and cling to your boys. You are not going to be all right right now, and that is okay. Just be there for your boys, and the rest, will take care of itself. I am so sorry. |
11,640 | daddit | **Seek. Professional. Grief. Counseling.** You will be in shock for a long time. You'll need all the help you can get, and someone for *you* to talk to. |
11,641 | daddit | I’m sorry to hear this. My wife is an LCSW at a hospital. Please make sure to utilize the services of the social workers. They can help you with resources to hopefully make this even just a little bit easier. |
11,642 | daddit | I'm so sorry. That is compounded tragedy. I don't think I can give you good advice on how to survive this, but I can tell you that people DO. They just do somehow. They form new ways of being and become different versions of themselves. |
11,643 | daddit | I suppose you don't, in a certain sense. Part of you died the moment you learned about the tragedy... . Alas, you have those two to take care of. Focus yourself on being there for them. It's the only real thing you can do for them. Lead them through the growing-up years of their lives. . On your way forwards you might wanna try therapy. Maybe not for the children as the youngest might not have an idea of what happened yet, but for yourself. If you are to succeed you have to be the strongest you can be. So healing yourself as much as you can should be one of your priorities. Don't just throw yourself at the problem, your children need the best you, you can make yourself be. . Be strong sir. And know that there are many days ahead of you. Many days when you will need to be there for your children. Good luck, plenty of strength, and may love give you strength to overcome the obstacles ahead of you. It will get easier. |
11,644 | daddit | My friend, I'm just heartbroken for you. This is a level of loss and tragedy that is cruel and unfair. Ask for help... every single person in your life is going to say "let me know how I can help". The smarter ones will say "I can help you by..."... regardless, don't just say thanks... use your support from your friends/family/acquaintances/neighbors/coworkers/bosses. No one is going to say No to you. First thing... and it fucking sucks to say... just be prepared to be the parent to two boys when they come home. Bedtime, meals, etc. I'm so sorry to say this, but their basic needs are not going to follow your need to grieve. If you have any family or friends that can come stay with you as you make the adjustments to the new reality, even if it's a rotating group of them... you need to bring them in to help you. Second... grieve. Conflicts with what I just said, but you have lost a child and a life partner. Cry, get angry, and feel it. You will need professional help to get through this, and do not delay on this. Join widower groups, get a therapist (Betterhelp is a good way to start for the initial especially with time), and just work through grief. You will likely need on anti-depressants.. that's not a loss... it's a tragedy. I went on them after my father's death this year and it saved me after years of resisting. Third... plan. Set a one day plan. Set a one week plan. One month...3 month. 6 month..etc.. Tactically.. 1) Consult a lawyer. I know nothing about the situation with the accident, but regardless, contact a lawyer. You also need to figure out estate management of your wife... which should be straight forward if you had a traditional marriage with intertwined finances and a joint will. However, you may want to ask family or friends to manage this.. at least initially. 2) Create a schedule every Sunday for the week and stick to it. Meal Plans for every day, what needs to get done (doctors/school/work/etc).. it's going to be a lot at first. But a strict schedule will help you organize. 3) Talk to your kid's friend's parents and family. Ask to set up play dates and sleepovers and things.... you will need time for yourself. But you need to plan it out. There will be times you just want to escape into an introverted cocoon, so proactively plan out those nights. ​ And lastly... how do you survive? One day at a time. Know that you are everything to those two boys now. They need you. You may not have the life you thought you were going to have. Think of those two every time you're stressed. Ask for help. Read up on Joe Biden and his first wife & daughter's death. Your situation is near identical. Regardless of political opinions on Joe, the story and interviews around how he recovered, the way he dedicated himself to his boys, and the sacrifices he made (coming home every night on the Accela).. it's inspiring and amazing. My 'uncle' (mom's cousin but basically her brother) has worked for him for years, and when he lost his mom a few years ago, Joe actively sought him out to talk about loss. This is not the end of your family, it may feel that way... but |
11,645 | daddit | One breath at a time. Just breathe. Get through this next minute, then try to get some rest. It's going to be horrible, and trained professionals can help mitigate long term damage, which will also be substantial. I am so sorry my friend. There are no words for your depth of hurt, or my sympathies for you. Just take a breath. Then another. Then another. |
11,646 | daddit | Jesus what an absolute nightmare, I’m so sorry. Maybe little against the grain here, you should have a little gratitude that you weren’t there - not for your own life, but that your children still have a parent. Please immediately start grief counselling. Again, not for yourself, but because you’re going to have a huge responsibility with your children, helping them navigate life in the best way that you can. You’re going to be okay. |
11,647 | daddit | I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know that you don’t have to know how to feel. You don’t have to know what to do. It’s ok to just “be”. |
11,648 | daddit | It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let your emotions out. Cry with your sons. Cry by yourself. I don’t really have any other advice other than don’t try to be the strong one because society tells you you have to be. Part of grieving is letting your emotions take their course. I’m so sorry. I’m crying with you. Love and healing vibes to you and your babies in the hospital. |
11,649 | daddit | There are no words. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to be angry. But know that time is the best friend you have. In the years to come your children will not know how hard it was for you. They will remember your love and your strength. |
11,650 | daddit | Look man, I'm sorry. My best friend is going through something similar-- lost his wife in Feb and is about to lose his daughter from medical malpractice over years of med-based difficulties. I don't know what to say to him either. BUT I'm trying for him and I'll try for you too. -- Please accept the love and support from others, but... maybe have a particular expression or "safe word"? (I don't know--I'm making this shit up as I go for/from him) What I know is that some people drain him. They mean well, and he knows it and he appreciates it, but they drain him. You need your space too. BUT NOT TOO MUCH SPACE. -- Definitely let people make you food and meals and stuff. You'll forget to eat for a time. And you won't be hungry, but you gotta eat. Same for the kids, when you get to this point. Please eat. --Seek professional help. Please. Asking Reddit is easy, and anonymous, and we may even be a great community... but you need the real deal. --- Cry. In front of your kids. They need to know your hurting too. You won't be weak, and they just might need to see it too. ---On that note, speaking of NOT being Superman, escape a little when you can too. One of the things that kills me is that my friend has been SO sole-minded focused on his daughter's welfare that he hasn't even allowed me (or anyone else) to take him out to a quick meal or relieve him so he can run for cigs. He also hasn't allowed anyone to take the reins. You will NEED to decompress a little. Find, delegate and TRUST whomever 3 or 4 (NOT JUST ONE PLEASE) family members or close friends to watch your kids so you can find a second to just rummage around a hardware store looking for that odd bolt. They will do fine. You need to trust them, both for your anxiety at home and for your life. Go find that bolt. Take your time. Make sure it's the right one. Then hit the coffee shop. Have a bagel. Read the sports section THEN go home. --FORGIVE YOURSELF.... for all those "if only" things that you KNOW don't make sense but your mind can't help but wander off to. You need to be present. My buddy now regrets that he didn't get a medical degree. The kid didn't even go to college, FFS. No way, no how. It doesn't make sense. Feel it, acknowledge it and then dismiss it for the insanity that it is. -- above all, breathe. It will get better, or easier, or hopefully both. Best wishes. Again, my sincerest condolences. Don't "be" strong-- instead, learn over time that you ARE strong. Peace. |
11,651 | daddit | I am so, so sorry. I wish there were some words I could conjure up to make this horrific, maddening, completely fucked-up situation feel more manageable, but I can't. All I can say is: there are 516,000+ of us here, and I'll bet a fuck-ton of us love you, are rooting for you, and know that somehow, someway you will endure this. Drink water even when you don't want to, ask for help even when you think you can't, and do whatever it takes to make it out on the other side of this for your family. Tell your son who's awake that the dads on the internet say hey. |
11,652 | daddit | I'm so sorry to read all this man, please just let your kids know how your hurting. Being able to cry with them and be vulnerable may really help them too as well as you. I was there with my dad when my mom passed away and his lack of emotion and mostly lack of words to explain his feelings made me feel horrible and distant and actually made me angry at rhe time, but everyone does handle things differently. So of you are still in shock it's possible to not feel much of anything yet and that's ok too. Therapy may help in the short and long run. The shock will last some time and just try to strategize if you need help and support. I hope the best for you and yours with a speedy recovery take care |
11,653 | daddit | So real talk. This sucks. This sucks bad. Right now you need to dig deep and be the man for your boys. They need their father to be strong and show them it’s going to be ok. You don’t need to live day to day, you need to live second to second. Just make it to the next second, to the next minute, tomorrow. Etc. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. |
11,654 | daddit | I know it's not the same - but my brother died in a car accident when he was 18 and I was 15. I had two key ways of dealing with my grief. 1. Make sure my parents didn't see me cry, and make sure that they had everything that they needed that I could provide. 2. Find something, anything, that gives me a little bit of joy in life - and then spend as much time as I can with that. Over time things do get easier, but it's been 21 years and I will still catch a scent that brings all of those memories back. I don't think about him every single day, but it is quite often. At this point they aren't really sad memories, but the good/funny/weird ones. Give your older 2 boys as much grace as you can. They will act out, be mad, be sad, or even be unreachable. They are going to process a monumental amount of emotions over the next few months, and their inexperience with these emotions may lead to strange outlets. It may also help to remind your older boys every once in a while that you too suffered a massive loss, and you are going through the same situation that they are. This means you might be more agitated, more sad, more lonely, or more distanced than normal. Emphasis that this is not their fault at all and encourage them to talk to you. At the end of the day, love is the one thing that will get you through. Spend time with people that you love, and more importantly that love you. Most people will shy away from conversations that will remind you of them, but those are the best conversations to have right away. Give yourself a chance to laugh at a memory you have of all of them. Give yourself a chance to remain in love with your entire family. Here is my favorite quote about grief from Jamie Anderson: >"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” I am terribly sorry for your loss. Having to outlive your children is one of the cruelest things that can happen on this planet. |
11,655 | daddit | Hi trauma surgeon here. I unfortunately am exposed to similar situations often. When visiting your sons in the hospital ask for the social worker and see if they have any resources for caregivers and grief counselors/therapists for you and your sons. They may be able to direct you to support groups/therapy which may benefit you. I'm sorry for your loss. Good luck. |
11,656 | daddit | This hurts me to read. I just held my son and cried for like a solid 5 minutes. If you need a memorial drawn, I'm an artist and will do it for free. Just shoot me a message. |
11,657 | daddit | So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel right now. I guess the best advice I can give you is to not give yourself a choice. You have to survive. You have two boys that need their father. You have family that loves and cares for you. You will survive. Godspeed |
11,658 | daddit | IF you're seeking therapy, which you should- a lot of victim rights services or other community providers of trauma therapy can often get you in for a crisis session even if they aren't able to setup ongoing therapy for a few weeks. This can help with your immediate mental health choices and needs. r/personalfinance has great resources and advice for dealing with a sudden loss. Take everything one moment at a time, break everything down into whatever piece is manageable. Don't be afraid to ask your support system for what you need, or what they think you need. For example, you might not realize you're not eating, etc. |
11,659 | daddit | Dude, not many people here can give you more than their condolences, but u/Artic-Flamingo has been through something similar. While he's still very much processing and living day to day, and will be for a long time, pain shared can be pain lessened. |
11,660 | daddit | I am gutted at your loss. Maybe look to the community at r/widowers for guidance, they will all have been through it. As many others have said, say yes to help. Let your friends and family help take care of the day to day for you until you have you have some stability. Laundry, walking the dog, making meals, talking to insurance, talking to doctors while your kids heal. There are lots of resources here: https://sudden.org/ |
11,661 | daddit | It may sound kind of weird, but, Where ever your wife is now, know she must be relieved you weren't in the car. Your sons are not orphans because you are still there. It's a silver lining to say they still have you. You can be there for them and grieve together and hold each other up in moments where all you want to do is give up. This is without a doubt the hardest thing you will go through now in your life, and your sons, too. There's nothing anyone here can say to make this situation not be as nightmarishly terrible as it is, but just know we are all here for you and grieving with you. We all love you, dude. |
11,662 | daddit | Oh my goodness that’s terrible I am so sorry. Lean on family and friends and don’t be afraid to get some professional help to keep your head straight. So sorry dude. |
11,663 | daddit | I, like many, don't have any answers for you. I just needed to say I'm so sorry for your loss. If there is some way I can support or help, please let me know. |
11,664 | daddit | This sucks. I’m sorry, brother. I know it’s not much to hear it from an internet rando, but we’re here for you. My only advice for you is to do your best to take everything right now one step at a time, and focus on what is in front of you. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Might not seem like it, but it’s there. And we’re here with you every step of the journey. You’re not alone. |
11,665 | daddit | Thoughts are with you sir. |
11,666 | daddit | I can’t imagine the nightmare your experiencing, I’m so sorry. Here’s what I got: Set goals for yourself. I feel helpless during a tragedy, I’m just lost. Have a friend, family member, or just a good internet stranger work with you to create a checklist of things to do. Call your work, set up FMLA, get copies of death certificate, talk to a lawyer about debts, insurance, and funeral expenses. Have someone help you with these decisions, unfortunately the funeral industry loves to prey upon folks in grief. Take your time, but have something to do when you feel you want to *do something*. |
11,667 | daddit | When I first read this I thought it was some sort of set up because the scenario described is almost exactly what happened to Joe Biden when he was 29. All I can say is, you gotta stay strong and keep going. You’re the whole world to those two kids. The way to survive is to just survive. Get through the day and get them through the day. |
11,668 | daddit | I’m so sorry for all of your loss couldn’t or wouldn’t want to imagine what you all must be going through. Sending so love and prayers to you and your children especially during this very difficult time. Just try your best to be there for your children they need a parent. |
11,669 | daddit | Geezuz fuck. I cannot fathom what you’re feeling. Life can be unfair and cruel. There’s nothing you’ve done in your life to deserve this. I’m rooting for you my man. |
11,670 | daddit | I am very sorry for your loss. This is beyond me im sorry i just wanna wish you the best and eveything good for you man. I truly deeply wish you the best outcome possible. |
11,671 | daddit | I think it would be a good idea to see a mental health professional. They will provide you with a structure and path to work through this. |
11,672 | daddit | Break the day down to meal times and give yourself the space to mourn and make it to the next meal of the day and take a pause to prepare food and eat . Make sure you are eating, staying hydrated, feeling all of the emotions, going to therapy, and taking care of your kids. On good days meal prep for the days that will be a struggle. It’s ok to cry. Time will help you to learn to manage the sadness better, in the meantime your kids will be the best medicine while you all heal. Find a religious community, I’m atheist but the SGI Nicheren Buddhists groups really helped me out and helped me make sense of the madness and keep me grounded. Order healthy take out on the days you forget to cook. The most important thing is making sure your kids medical needs are being met and that they are eating, even if it’s junk food. My family and I fled a war zone together and we had a rough 2 years when we returned to the US. The Nintendo switch helped my at the time 5 year old son and gave me space to mourn. My at the time 2 year old daughter worked hard to put a smile on my face everyday. We cooked together and spent a lot of time drawing, listening to music, dancing, etc. I’m a single dad and I loss myself taking care of my kids, so make sure you take time to take care of yourself as well. Some gyms have daycares inside, I used to go to an La fitness and run my heart out while my kids played, that helped me so much. You got this dude. Don’t be hard on yourself and do what you can when you can. If you have family or a friend that is down on their luck and needs a place to stay and can help you with the kids that can be beneficial. If not, you got this. It’s going to be hard as fuck but you will make it. If you are going through hell, keep going |
11,673 | daddit | So sorry that this happened to your family. Sincerely sorry. That's horrible... It's okay to not be okay. Hopefully you have good leadership at work who helpful and understand. Talk to a therapist. It's time. Have family and/or friends help. Accept their help. Even if it seems silly and stupid. Accept it. What they're really trying to do is offer someone to talk to apart from the thing they're helping you with. So accept the help. And the conversation. Related: you need to talk to people. They have time for you. Don't worry about interrupting them. They were just scrolling Facebook anyway. Call them even if you don't know what you need to say yet. Just start with "I'm struggling" Be there for your kids. Take time to be together when you can. Take a walk. Serve others. When the immediate chaos settles down in a month or two, fine ways to help other people. Face to face preferably. It's so powerful to get outside of your own mind and your own four walls and go help others. Apart from the good advice already given by others here, I'd say that my faith is where I get answers to life's difficult questions and problems. I of course can't say that i can personally relate at all to what you're going through. But for what it's worth to you, I believe eternal families are possible and death can be a temporary (although still painful and difficult) separation. Happy to talk further if you'd like to. Be well, friend. |
11,674 | daddit | Oh, Buddy. I am so, so, so sorry for you. You are living a nightmare. This is so unfair for all of you. You are already doing what you can. You are grieving, and you are there for your remaining family. That’s all you can do right now. Your children just need you to be there, that’s all. They feed off your love, and you should feed off theirs. Friends and family will offer you help. Fucking take it. Take all of it. I am crying just imagining this tragedy. Please know that you can always come to this sub for advice. We love you and we will always be here for you. I wish I could take some of y’all’s pain. |
11,675 | daddit | Lawyer here. Don't forget to arrange a consultation with a lawyer familiar with injury claims. There can be a long (and expensive) road to recovery on TBI cases and often time limits to advance a claim. Get that advice. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. |
11,676 | daddit | I cannot even begin to fathom what you're going through. I'm so, so, so sorry. Reach out to someone, anyone. You'll need help to plan for burial arrangements. You have to be strong for those boys, that goes without saying, but make sure you grieve as well. ​ I hope we can all look past the politics here, but Joe Biden lost his wife and daughter in a horrific car accident, and he was able to rise above and become president. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. |
11,677 | daddit | You survive this because you have 2 kids who need you. You take things day by day. Get yourself and your kids into grief counseling/ therapy whatever and you work through your emotions and help them work through theirs. It’s easy to try and push your memories and feelings away, but it won’t help you in the long run. Do your best to preserve the memory of your wife and son for your other boys because they’re young enough that all of that will disappear as they get older. Me and my brother were around the same age as your sons when our mom died and neither of us have actual Vic’s memories of her, but my dad kept her “alive” for us through pictures, videos, stories etc. Just remember it’s okay to not be okay and to feel whatever you feel. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need time alone. |
11,678 | daddit | 1. Notify family and close friends. The priority is people who are geographically close or can come and stay for awhile, because you need physical backup if at all possible. 2. Notify work. They need to know you are not coming in, and most importantly you need to get things like your leave sorted out: we are talking emergency family leave, bereavement, etc. Also notify your wife’s work. 3. Notify school. The older boys will not be coming in for awhile. 4. Car insurance. Very important because accidents are time sensitive, and also intersects with the medical expenses of it all. This is especially important if people in other vehicles were injured or killed; the insurance companies are going to fight about who pays. 5. Life insurance. You will need it to care for your sons; file in a timely fashion. 6. Medical insurance. I notice you said one of your sons is sedated due to brain injury; that means you need to review the policy to see what it says about things like extended hospital stays, recovery options like physical therapy, and - god forbid - permanent ongoing care. You also might have to do annoying things like switch hospitals. 7. The will. If you and your spouse have your wills in order, it will be necessary to see that executed. 8. Accounts. By this I mostly mean your wife’s bank accounts, retirement accounts, etc. but also more mundane stuff like her email, phone, computer and social media, any bills in her name, etc. 9. Mortgage/rent. Check in just to be sure you have enough breathing room to handle the rest. 10. Begin funeral planning. |
11,679 | daddit | We are here for you. Dad’s United. I have no words. Sending love |
11,680 | daddit | Checking in: how are you, friend? |
11,681 | daddit | I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, so sorry man. Holding my wife and daughter extra tight tonight |
11,682 | daddit | I’m so sorry to hear about this, The grief is unfathomable. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and ask for all the help you can. Good luck mate, you will get there, you will be ok. |
11,683 | daddit | How awful for you! Please reach out to people- must genuinely want to help. And as others have mentioned it's a blessing for your other children that they still have a parent to care for them. Seek therapy and look for support groups. This could benefit not just you but your children too. Don't be surprised if they have behavioral changes and know they feel different or something is missing- it may be their way of trying to cope and not quite having the words for their emotions. Loss of a loved one sucks regardless and losing 2 loved ones at the same time is harder. Take your time to grieve and remember random things may trigger emotions - it's okay not to hide them. |
11,684 | daddit | Thanking of you brother. I literally can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. But you have to be there for your other kids to lean on. And kids are surprisingly smart, you can lean on them sometimes too. It’s good to show them that it’s ok to be sad. |
11,685 | daddit | I am so sorry for your loss <3 . You are doing great. It's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Feeling it and dealing with it as it comes. Talk to people. Cry when you need. Will be thinking of you all. |
11,686 | daddit | It's key right now you put your focus on the health and recovery of the boys you've still got around you. Trying to process everything else is impossible. The rest will swarm over you while you're leading who you can out of this battle and getting them all back home. The healing will be impossible and never feel like it's working. Nothing will, but giving yourself goals on survival will keep you from collapsing and hopefully by the time you're out of the hospital with the boys. You guys can begin to grief properly. The shock is never ending and will never be comfortable. I'm so so sorry, you should reach out to your entire network, family and so on. Everyone will want to help and you need the help. From people doing laundry or figuring out meals. Someone else said it but needs to be said, just say yes to all help. Just ask them to do a spreadsheet or leave post it notes on their gifts so you know who to thank and is there for you. Your friends want to take care of you. Let them do all of the nonsense and you focus on survival of yourself and your boys. |
11,687 | daddit | My heart goes out to you. The fact that you can write anything coherent right now is a testament to your strength; strength you likely don't even realize you have. Just to echo some of the good points that others have already offered: 1. Accept all help. Now is the time to lean hard on family and friends. 2. The how and why you survive is brutally simple: your surviving children need you now more than ever. |
11,688 | daddit | I can't offer you any more than my most heartfelt sympathy, this is just awful to read. |
11,689 | daddit | Sending some peace and love your way |
11,690 | daddit | I'm so sorry, brother. I've never had to deal with anything this tragic so I don't know how helpful my advice can be for you. A day at a time, is really all you can do. You have friends. (If you haven't spoken to them in years even, it doesn't matter in times like this. They love you.) You have family. They are there for you in this moment. Lean on them. They want you to lean on them here. Once again, I'm so sorry. |
11,691 | daddit | I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine the grief. |
11,692 | daddit | I assume you are still at the hospital, ask any of the staff for a social worker or counseling service. You have so much to work through, any human would be overwhelmed. But you will be ok, and it’s ok to ask for help. But you need someone to help you through this fog right now. I wish you the best and courage for you as a father! |
11,693 | daddit | I'm so sorry man, I can't imagine. Best thing you can do is be there for your boys. They're going through the same tragedy as you, compounded by their injuries and being kids who aren't meant to deal with these kinds of things. Be strong for them, but mourn with them too and don't be afraid to ask for help from professionals and family. |
11,694 | daddit | Bro. I have no way to understand how you are feeling I'm so fuking sorry. I wish I could make a difference but alli have are words . Keep so strong man. Surround yourself with people that can help and be there for ur kiddos. I'm so so so sorry |
11,695 | daddit | My dad died when I was a kid. Mom and 5 boys, all 13 and younger. My most treasured possession is a couple of books that are letters written by friends and colleagues about who my dad was to them. You don't need to be stronger for now. You just need time to grieve. Let it happen. |
11,696 | daddit | May their memory be a blessing. |
11,697 | daddit | If you think drugs and alcohol will help, know they will not. Don't go down that path. |
11,698 | daddit | I love you man. Thanks for sharing, holding my wife and kids extra tight for a while now. Sending you all the vibes I can muster. |
11,699 | daddit | That all sounds pretty fucked up, my dude. Life rolls cruel dice sometimes. Everybody already said better advice than i have, but I feel for you and that all sounds awful. Here's what I've got: do yourself a favor, and immediately and completely forgive anyone involved for anything. You've already lost a lot. The last thing you need is to carry around some anger over something that can't be changed. You've endured a horrifying nightmare. Sounds like it's far from over. And it's normal and understandable to find someone to blame and be pissed at them. All this will accomplish is to make you miserable. So don't. Keep us updated. I hope for the best for your kids, and yourself. |
11,700 | daddit | I am so sorry. The only advice I can give is to reach out to those around you and take each day as you can. |
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