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7,309,301 | mommit | I've been a victim both while growing up as an adult. I have learned the men, primarily, are deeply uneducated about SA, about safety practices for children, and all of it. Culturally men are not taught the true nature, details, and safety as well as common sense. My partner was oblivious on such a level I forcibly had... |
7,309,302 | mommit | I understand wanting to keep your distance but it's highly likely that the wife turned him in. And if her mother said she's not doing well, it's also highly likely that she wasn't aware that he would do what he did to their child. One of the best things right now would be to work through this with her. Of course you ar... |
7,309,303 | mommit | I'm the daughter of a child porn user (not producer). The feds raided our house to get his computer. It was horrible and neighbors stared at us forever after. Trust me when I say the mother needs support. She did nothing wrong and she feels everyone's eyes on her. Smile at her, bring her a meal. Anything to show that ... |
7,309,304 | mommit | If you are shaken up, think of how the wife feels. Her life has just completely imploded and she has suddenly lost her partner of 10 years and discovered that he is a monster. Please don’t punish her for his mistakes, she needs a friend right now. |
7,309,305 | mommit | Coming from a victim of sexual assault when I was 4, trust me he remembers. And he’ll never be able to forget it. My parents discovered what was happening to me and took necessary action, but had assumed I didn’t remember because I was so young. I finally brought it up to them my Mom when I was in my 20s and it was bas... |
7,309,306 | mommit | I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. And I agree. OP, please reach out. Your neighbor needs love and support right now. |
7,309,307 | mommit | Your post broke my heart. I wish you healing and a much better life! The rest of us - yes, perps are evil, but please put efforts towards helping victims. They need our love & support. More often than not, there are more victims than the ones reported. |
7,309,308 | mommit | I was also a kid in the situation when my mom fled us from my abusive father and moved to my grandmothers. Her husband was the perpetrator and when it came out, my whole family not only avoided my grandmothers house entirely, but my mom as well. |
7,309,309 | mommit | And she clearly acted as soon as she knew something was up. Which is why that AH was arrested. |
7,309,310 | mommit | I was the kid too. Step dad for me though, he'd been around since I was 4 though. I fully agree the wife needs all the support she can get. My mom has so many problems from this still. It's been twenty years Edited to fix a word |
7,309,311 | mommit | I’m so very sorry. |
7,309,312 | mommit | I was the wife in a similar situation. The feeling of being an outcast is so immediate. I'm still experiencing it, as I can't leave the community, 7 years later. The wife is a victim, too. She needs support. |
7,309,313 | mommit | The “became pariahs” struck a nerve. Very similar story. My father was heavy in the church & adored by everyone. Even when he passed away people spoke about how much he loved his kids, & what a monumentally amazing human being he was, & how many people he helped, etc…When he was arrested in 08, everyone basically shunn... |
7,309,314 | mommit | I’m sorry this happened to you and your family. You sound like you made it out brave and strong. Sending lots of love and healing |
7,309,315 | mommit | I’m so sorry. It’s so awful for the victims because people are horrified by the actions of the abuser. |
7,309,316 | mommit | What an important perspective- thank you for sharing |
7,309,317 | mommit | I am so, so sorry. |
7,309,318 | mommit | I'm so sorry to hear these, everything is fine? |
7,309,319 | mommit | I think food is my love language because this is absolutely how I choose to care for people. I would absolutely be taking food over to that mom. Sometimes when there’s so many things to do and decisions to make, the last choice you want to make is “what’s for dinner?” Having even just one less thing to think about can ... |
7,309,320 | mommit | Yes! Poor woman. She was brave enough to report what seems like her high school sweetheart. OP just offer your support, no matter how small ot is. Her friends and family are probably judging her right now and she needs fresh support. Honestly even if you watch her baby for an hour while she cries her eyes out will be... |
7,309,321 | mommit | this! offer help or just bringing out her trash bins to the curb. She is definitely more distraught then you even are (and should be) |
7,309,322 | mommit | This is what I was thinking too!! That poor women lost a lot, and will probably be picking up the pieces for a long time by herself. Bring her some dinner, offer what comfort you can. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than family or a close friend with something like this. |
7,309,323 | mommit | This. And the courage of her to take action on this and totally upend her life. There are many others who choose to look away when they are faced with information that will completely bring their world crashing down (in this way and so many others). What a strong woman to take action. She needs all the support she c... |
7,309,324 | mommit | Another idea could be protein bars. After finding out that my husband (STBX) had another family, all food ceased to be interesting or desirable. I used to eat all the stuff and a lot of sugar, but it’s been 6 months and I might never feel the same about food again. Protein bars kept me going when I had to choke somethi... |
7,309,325 | mommit | Agreed. The wife’s mother knew she needed someone looking out. As hard as this information is weighing in OP, we can only imagine how much guilt the wife feels. This is the time to offer her comfort and support. Also OP mentions the way she feels when she sees the child playing. It makes me so sad because she might en... |
7,309,326 | mommit | I completely agree. So many spouses stand by the abuser or sweep it up under the rug. I totally understand why the OP feels traumatized herself even just by being in the physical proximity of such evil, but it could help this poor family so much if OP is able to find it in her heart to support them and stay friendly. |
7,309,327 | mommit | It’s tempting to want distance from such an awful situation, but the wife is 100% a hero and not only deserves a friend, but would probably be a good friend herself. Who doesn’t want a girlfriend with a spine of steel? |
7,309,328 | mommit | This is among my worst fears. I’d like to think I have decent radar but have no idea. Do you have any resources you can recommend on how to best keep an eye out and what age-appropriate messages we can give our kids? |
7,309,329 | mommit | I was a victim as a child and thought I’d sense if someone wasn’t safe. I was wrong. We found out my husband’s brother had been abusing his little sister since toddlerhood. My husband was 10years older and moved away at 18. We would visit holidays, when we brought our then toddler daughter he always seemed to be the ... |
7,309,330 | mommit | Yep. Another survivor of abuse here. Spent my adulthood in LE and healthcare-you just know too much after a while. SAHP by choice. I trust myself and my husband. That is all. |
7,309,331 | mommit | My husband is autistic and we are both obviously "weird". I sometimes am concerned that we'll have trouble finding friends with kids because of this (we have a 3 year old). But I always think it's funny that it's the people who look perfectly normal and are outgoing and friendly that are often the worst. |
7,309,332 | mommit | Omgosh. I’m also a counselor and we are one of the same. I work with adults and hear the aftermath of their abuse and the perpetrators. I trust very few around my child for the same reason. You know never know. |
7,309,333 | mommit | This happened to a family member of mine. A family friend in a position of trust who preyed on the child's mother knowing she was vulnerable due to mental health issues. He pushed his way into the family, appearing to be kind and supportive but with the most horrifying motives. |
7,309,334 | mommit | People think I'm absolutely nuts when I say this. I mean, even in here. But honestly I know better. I hope they never do. |
7,309,335 | mommit | Yeah this is us as well. I’ve read and seen so many horror stories that I’m honestly too anxious and untrusting of people. |
7,309,336 | mommit | Wtf. Once upon a time USPS wouldn’t hire you with any criminal history at all. |
7,309,337 | mommit | This is what my stepdad, who has been in law enforcement his whole life, has said. That there is just as much going on but that they're better at hiding it. |
7,309,338 | mommit | Yup. My dad is a retired officer who worked on child crimes in the detective bureau for some time. These bastards are everywhere. In every neighborhood. He had to get out of that work because it was too depressing. |
7,309,339 | mommit | Why are people struggling with addiction (a disease) being compared to child molesters and people who assault their family? |
7,309,340 | mommit | I am so sorry. |
7,309,341 | mommit | 25 years is not enough. |
7,309,342 | mommit | A good friend in grad school—I mean, a core member of my peer group, hung out all the time, everyone loved him—got arrested about a decade later for possessing child sexual abuse material, at least some of which was on his work laptop (I know this isn’t the key point, but I feel badly about online shopping for shoes on... |
7,309,343 | mommit | This is the best response |
7,309,344 | mommit | I like your comment and upvoted it, but one thing bothers me. No, victims of abuse do not typically become abusers. What you may have meant is that often abusers have been abused in the past, which is true. Saying that everyone who has experienced abuse is likely to perpetuate it (which is false) may lead others to av... |
7,309,345 | mommit | As someone who worked in child welfare, I think an easy step involves acknowledging it’s ok to ask our spouses/co-parents questions and check in on interactions even when we’re positive they would absolutely never harm our child. My husband is an amazing parent and I don’t even for a second question his motives or be... |
7,309,346 | mommit | It is not extreme at all. These people are irredeemable. Society is better off without them. So many crimes can be justified. Addiction is a disease, sometimes stealing is done out of desperation, killing could be self defense. But this crime has absolutely no mitigating factors. There is nothing that can justify it. ... |
7,309,347 | mommit | This opinion is not just extreme, it is wrong. Studies have shown that the severity of the punishment (beyond a certain level) has very little influence on if a person will commit a crime. The (percieved) probability of getting caught however has a huge influence. |
7,309,348 | mommit | Amen |
7,309,349 | mommit | My son's dad is also one. His victim was 12. I wasn't aware until it happened and I immediately ended things and I've been reporting every single probation violation he makes. I'm currently going for full custody because for one, I don't f-ing trust him not to hurt my son. And two I don't want my son growing up with hi... |
7,309,350 | mommit | Yes also if the wife was the one who turned him in, she is a hero. Not everyone is as willing to expose their partner’s crimes, even if the crimes are against their own kid. Major kudos to her for protecting the little one. |
7,309,351 | mommit | My mom too. |
7,309,352 | mommit | I’m sorry. My mom is still struggling years later and I try as hard as I can to be there for her. After becoming a mom myself, I realize how painful it must have been for her to find out what was going on. I will never get the sound of her wailing when she found the pictures out of my head. I’m so sorry you went throug... |
7,309,353 | mommit | I’m sorry you went through that too. Nothing like trying to heal from your trauma while the community you trusted turns its back on you. Our church did the same and it turned me away from religion completely. |
7,309,354 | mommit | That is awful. People are really shit at dealing with complex thoughts and feelings, especially in regards to children. I’m sorry that happened. |
7,309,355 | mommit | I’m fine now, but it was a long road to recover and tbh my mom is still struggling. |
7,309,356 | mommit | Definitely, but OP, be aware this mother may not feel comfortable with anyone watching her child for her right now, after the terrible betrayal of trust she and her baby have experienced. Food, compassion and neighbourly care sound like excellent choices. |
7,309,357 | mommit | This is such a kind idea. I know I wouldn’t want to go outside. |
7,309,358 | mommit | Yes! You don't have to talk to her right away if you are uncomfortable, but mowing her yard, scooping sidewalks, etc., shows kindness where she might not want to interact right now because of the questions that will be coming her way. Sometimes sitting on the front porch and waving hi when she comes out can be helpfu... |
7,309,359 | mommit | I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Something similar once happened to me and it took me close to a year for the roiling, horrid feeling in my stomach to go aware and for food to be appetising again. Cutting off all contact to my former partner and moving to a place he’d never visited helped immensely. I ... |
7,309,360 | mommit | I always think of my grandmother, who found out her husband was abusing my mom when she was a toddler. She packed up and left with her 3 children under 3 in the 1950s, a time when the majority of wives probably would have chosen to stay quiet. She ended up later marrying a man that was a kind and loving father to my mo... |
7,309,361 | mommit | My mom suspected/knew my stepfather abused me but because I wouldn’t confess (she interrogated us) she put the ownership on me (a literal child) despite the obvious signs. Happened for years after I turned 11. |
7,309,362 | mommit | Not OP but I watched a random video that day that said that these predators tend to prey on children that are more isolated - not many friends, parents that aren’t very involved. It’s easier for them to create bonds with children that don’t already have strong ones. I’m sure this isn’t true 100% of the time and you co... |
7,309,363 | mommit | The absolute number one protective factor is to be vigilant as a parent. Predators go after victims who are vulnerable. This includes kids whose parents are not super observant for whatever reason. Perhaps parents are addicts or absent for some other reason. Showing up, asking questions, being cautious as a parent will... |
7,309,364 | mommit | Talk to your kids about [tricky people](https://totstoteens.co.nz/parenting/safety/teach-kids-tricky-people/) rather than stranger danger as sadly children are far more likely to be abused by someone they know. |
7,309,365 | mommit | https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00B6OVOHC/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr= Excellent book written by an agent who specializes in these sort of cases. He discusses real cases and how to protect children. |
7,309,366 | mommit | I was nearly a teen when I was victimized, so I remember, but even in retrospect you can't just tell. I was convenient. He was primarily interested in women his age, but I was there and he could have access to me alone. Afaik he wasn't a cruel person in any other respect and even what he did likely didn't come from a... |
7,309,367 | mommit | Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker |
7,309,368 | mommit | He's choosing to date moms on purpose!!! Something needs to be done to stop him A.S.A.P.! |
7,309,369 | mommit | I never thought of that! Your comment also reminds me of a post a while back about a mom who wouldn’t invite her father in law to her like 4yo’s birthday party because the kid said he didn’t like him because he never talks… because he barely knew English. So this poor guy was excluded from a family party for not being ... |
7,309,370 | mommit | Our family dynamics are the same, our child is now 8. It is hard. I'm afraid my son has no friends bc of me. Like I get shunned in every situation and don't know what I'm doing wrong. PTO matters to me for actually supporting teachers. But here it's a social club. I'm fine being rejected, have been all my life. But t... |
7,309,371 | mommit | Yea my exact reaction also. Upon some research, they now hire felons on a case by case basis, which is fine, I just take issue with this dude having a route with tons of kids around, an elementary school, popular playground, etc. He could very easily have a position at the PO, etc. Also, he’s a Tier 3 lifetime register... |
7,309,372 | mommit | My apologies, I wasn’t comparing. I was merely pointing out that your neighbor might be a drug addict and you wouldn’t even know. |
7,309,373 | mommit | Addiction is a disease, but it is very damaging for families. The families of addicts often suffer tremendously. |
7,309,374 | mommit | Because addicts have a huge negative impact on the people around them. |
7,309,375 | mommit | This. |
7,309,376 | mommit | Agreed |
7,309,377 | mommit | I'd like to assume (or hope) he will never get out of jail alive. If you know what I mean. |
7,309,378 | mommit | Yes this is what I meant. |
7,309,379 | mommit | I think this is actually very good. I happen to do this every once in a while but more because I want to sneak a peak at my LO (Im that obsessed mama that complains everything is zo hard pregnant with a toddler, but misses him the second he's out of sight ) I do have this thing where I inspect his butt with diapers... |
7,309,380 | mommit | such a hard (but necessary) thing to do even in 2023 but in the 1950s it must have been particularly difficult. go grandma |
7,309,381 | mommit | Wow. What was her name? |
7,309,382 | mommit | Also watch out for your quiet kids who are reserved especially. My kids are loud AF and always draw attention to themselves. Super busy. Can't contain them. They're runners. The quiet, well-behaved, co-operative unicorn kids that cause no problems are easy targets for predators. |
7,309,383 | mommit | We had a situation where a friend of ours molested a girl we had babysat. The mom caught him and kicked him out, he called me to come get him because he couldn’t walk home, and confessed everything. I had to report him, give statements, and was going to have to testify except he thankfully took a plea last minute. He 1... |
7,309,384 | mommit | great link, just sent to my family chat !! |
7,309,385 | mommit | Wow! Thank you so much! I love Gavin de Becker (I recommend "The Gift of Fear" all the time, I learned so much from it) and had no idea he wrote about this too. I know this is going to be such a tough read, but I'm glad for the advice. Thanks again. |
7,309,386 | mommit | Thanks for sharing. I think it's easy to just sit and worry. I like having concrete steps to take to reduce the odds as much as I can without attempting to live in a bubble or something crazy. |
7,309,387 | mommit | Yeah my main thing that I will teach my kid is to never let an adult be alone in a room with him, and if it seems like an adult actively tries to be alone with him to let me know. I think that's kind of a clear situational tell. No adult should want to be alone in a room with a child save direct caregivers. |
7,309,388 | mommit | Yeah I'm lucky because we do have a good group of friends with and without kids ... Just none really in our own city. We're in ATX, and it just feels way more pretentious here than in my old city. I'm working on building a community though. But it's hard when I'm picking my son up from daycare and the parents are all t... |
7,309,389 | mommit | I know they’ve had major issues but I had no idea. How did you even find out? If they’re not your neighbor they wouldn’t show up on the map or did someone just decide to look up his name? |
7,309,390 | mommit | Thank you for clarifying that :) |
7,309,391 | mommit | Her name was Marcia. I miss her even more now that I have a son because I know she would have loved him so much. |
7,309,392 | mommit | My kid is both a runner AND a people pleaser. He's never met anyone he didn't want to hug, and he's ridiculously obedient. Since he isn't quite three, I don't know how to help him advocate for himself beyond "if you say 'no' to a touch, then I stop" if, for example, we tickle him too much. I'm really trying to figure o... |
7,309,393 | mommit | Yes. Which is why I've put my kid in martial arts and had many talks about when it is and is not acceptable to throw hands. Because she's on the spectrum and the good quiet child. She screams victim. It's my job to teach her not to be one. |
7,309,394 | mommit | Not too dumb. You were a normal person who would never think that way. |
7,309,395 | mommit | I only recommend that book if people tear out the terrible victim blaming chapter on domestic violence. I cannot get over the fact that he says if you let your partner hit you twice you’re “volunteering” to be hit. |
7,309,396 | mommit | Workplaces show up on the maps now, so our Post Office lit up and I clicked it and up came his mugshot, whole record, etc. Edit to add: The website was familywatchdog.us I saw another thread on Reddit about it and just decided to pop in my address. |
7,309,397 | mommit | I would probably just establish a "no secrets" rule. We don't keep secrets, ever. Surprises that make people happy only, and surprises are always revealed eventually. Encourage talking about your day and the things that they did or what happened. I make note of any marks on my kid before he goes anywhere so I can tell ... |
7,309,398 | mommit | Is there a similar site to look this up in Canada? |
7,309,399 | mommit | Surprises vs secrets is a great teaching tool! |
7,309,400 | mommit | This is great advice, thank you. |
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