id int64 1 7.31M | subreddit stringclasses 108 values | comment stringlengths 1 10k ⌀ |
|---|---|---|
7,901 | daddit | Anytime [u/speaKsoftly_bigstick](https://www.reddit.com/u/USER) Hold on, be strong. All power to you and yours. |
7,902 | daddit | Adding my name to the list, this sub has always appeared to be (and from personal experience is) a supportive and kind place when people need it. OP, I'm so sorry mate. |
7,903 | daddit | 100% |
7,904 | daddit | 100 percent |
7,905 | daddit | 8 years on Reddit. Clicked that photo and the first time I've ever cried from a Reddit post. Fuck. So fucking sorry /u/USER/ I wish I could help... |
7,906 | daddit | Could not have said it better. We are all thinking about you OP. Sending condolences to you and your family. |
7,907 | daddit | Agreed! What can we do to help? |
7,908 | daddit | That's the damn truth. |
7,909 | daddit | I made an update post, but I think something is wrong with reddit. Keep getting errors trying to make comments. |
7,910 | daddit | Advice: Don’t lie and don’t overly sugarcoat. Use terms they can understand to explain that their sister is gone and won’t come back. If they’re old enough to understand death, tell them that she died. *Don’t* explain suicide or that she suicided (EDIT: *today*. Work with a therapist. Seriously.). *Don’t* bring theology into it. Seek therapy, both as a group and as individuals. This is a *lot* to process. Reach out to family and friends. See if someone can come for an extended visit so you have backup *when* you need to go be all weepy. But also don’t be afraid to let your kids see you cry. I’m so sorry. Have an e-hug from a fellow dad. *You didn’t fail her.* |
7,911 | daddit | I cannot empathize, relate, or even begin to understand what this experience is like for you. My heart is with you, and know that all that you are feeling is entirely valid. It’s so fresh and raw, I’m not even sure grief is the right term to use for this moment. Use the resources around you that you can muster the strength to call upon, and grieve your daughter in the most healthy way you can. |
7,912 | daddit | The best way I've heard suicide described after losing a friend was that they lost their battle with depression. So exactly same words we use as cancer. |
7,913 | daddit | yet there is minimal support for mental illness in the world |
7,914 | daddit | I have struggled with ADHD, depression and still even though in treatment I have moments every single day where my suicidal ideation rears it's ugly head. I want to echo your words to OP, you did not fail her, mental illness took her. To give some insight, I have a daughter, a wife who I have been with since I was 18 and love dearly, and a typical suburban life. When my depression or suicidal ideation starts to win or change my perspective, it's not an emotional reaction or at least it doesn't feel like one. It feels logical or at least it is portrayed that way in my head, which is why it's so terrifying. In those moments, from my perspective me thinking "my existence is nothing but a burden to those I love, I need to cease to exist" is just as cold and calculating as saying "2+2=4". The point of what I am saying is, if I didn't say this stuff to my therapist or my wife, they would have no way of knowing what was going on in my head. They would say I seem a little down but that's it. I emplore you, I beg you do not reflect on your memories searching for something you missed because quite frankly, you weren't given signs. |
7,915 | daddit | > and I've had people blame their suicide attempts on me when I was just trying to help. I have nothing useful to offer the OP but this struck me. My sister's GF was a piece of work, borderline and narcissist and said she was suicidal. She stuck my sister with the line "You're not giving me enough reasons to want to stick around." WTF. Kill yourself, don't kill yourself, don't put that on someone else. Incredibly toxic relationship. Took her far too long to get out but she finally did. |
7,916 | daddit | Yes, absolutely this. I promise I will read what OP would like to write about his daughter. Glassy eyes, can barely type this. I so sorry for your loss. |
7,917 | daddit | I can barely read the thread my eyes are watering so terribly. I couldn't imagine losing one of my girls. Really feeling for OP here. |
7,918 | daddit | I agree here. Type of every memory you have of her! |
7,919 | daddit | Second this. It sounds incredibly recent, but as things come into focus those siblings as well as OP could really benefit from some crisis counseling. |
7,920 | daddit | Seconded. If you need someone to talk to, please I implore you to send u/dmullaney or I a chat request. |
7,921 | daddit | https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2 |
7,922 | daddit | It's now archived in one of the first posts. |
7,923 | daddit | I can’t stress this enough. I also lost my first born daughter in 2017 and went down a very dark road of alcohol and drug use. I am just now getting back on my feet over the last couple years and it’s been very difficult. I’ve got a 1 year old daughter and an 11 year old stepson and wife who I need to be here for. Drinking the pain away may feel like a temporary solution but it will do nothing but harm to yourself and everyone around you in the long run. |
7,924 | daddit | Please get your child to therapy if you aren’t already. These types of posts hurt my heart. |
7,925 | daddit | That is the golden question. The one questions which the answer means the most to me currently. And the one answer I fear I may never truly get. I've asked her mother straight out. But my ex-wife has remained radio silent in that. It could drive me mad searching for that answer. |
7,926 | daddit | Not sure he needs to get rid of them, but maybe get them away from you for the time being. |
7,927 | daddit | The automod got it. You should send a message to the mods. Take care man |
7,928 | daddit | This is neither the time nor the place for this discussion. This does no good, and helps no one. Let the man grieve in peace, and keep your prying questions to yourself. |
7,929 | daddit | Does the US still allow Accutane or isotretinoin-based dermatological dermals? I know that (at least in West Europe), the compoound has been under "additional investigation" since 2019, and will (should!) only be prescribed to adolescents when combined with follow-up pshycological monitoring. |
7,930 | daddit | But you aren't gone and your boys aren't either. We've got you.......all of us here my man :hugs: |
7,931 | daddit | Edited to add: if you need to talk, message me. We can use reddit or we can exchange discord or even phone numbers to text. I have a cushy WFH job that let's me do whatever the hell I want all day and can talk all day long. > But my dude, she's already gone. I'm a dad of 2 daughters. Even when they are just at school, they are right here with me. She is still there with you, and she will be for the rest of your life. The place in your heart and your life has changed, but you should honor the place that she occupies, rather than downplaying or dismissing it. In the (very good) book, *Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance*, the author spends a long time telling a story about crossing the country with his teenage son on a motorcycle, and using that as a framework for talking about the philosophical things that he's learned - often learned through his journey as a father. In the afterword in the edition that I read, the author tells us that his son was killed in a random mugging, when he was in his early independent adulthood. He describes all the reminders of his son - how he sees him in the faces of his other children, the objects in his home that he had used, etc - and how these all basically paint a photo-negative of his son. If you looked at all these reminders just right, then you see a complete picture. He referred to this whole system of reminders as his son's "ghost". He could see the ghost when he drove by the highschool. He could feel it when he watched certain movies. He could love it in quiet moments alone. *She's still in your heart*. Posting this thread here on daddit is evidence enough of that. Do not ignore that place in your heart, and do not hide it. Embrace it, because that's where she lives now. I'm crying now, thinking about how my own daughters might persist if they had an untimely death. And I'm reminded that you might need this reminder: **Crying is not a weakness**. Showing honest emotion to your children will prove to them how much you love your daughter who is no longer with you, and by extension, will prove to them how much you love them. And don't forget, loving yourself by being gentle with yourself is *good*, and your children will be able to go through life with an example of how to heal. |
7,932 | daddit | Yeah, but you aren't, and neither are your boys. Sending hugs from another Dad. |
7,933 | daddit | She is. And it fucking hurts in a way no words can do justice to. And it's allowed to hurt. It hurts because it matters. And it's allowed to matter. |
7,934 | daddit | But you're not. We're here to help you how we can |
7,935 | daddit | You are here, you boys are here and they need you now more then ever. I’m sure you have an inner voice saying “I have to be strong for the boys” that comes from good intentions but it’s not necessarily true. You are absolutely aloud to be emotional, especially in front of them. They need to know it’s acceptable and encouraged to be sad, feel these emotions because your daughter was a special person who was and will always be, deeply loved. “Seek expert help” is likely the number one piece of advice you’ll receive here, because we as men and fathers are horrible at taking care of ourselves. You need to take the time to care for yourself in order to have the emotional capacity to care for the needs of your sons. As always, this sub is an awesome source of support, we’re all here for you brother. |
7,936 | daddit | But you’re not. |
7,937 | daddit | You’re not gone. Your sons aren’t gone. “Gone” can mean a lot of things but I actually personally don’t believe she’s “gone,” because we’re all here talking and thinking about her right now. To be completely gone, that would mean she doesn’t exist - but she does. In loving memory, in conversation, in photo and video, in your dreams. And personally I believe a long (long) time from now you may very well see her again, with your own eyes, someday. |
7,938 | daddit | We got you buddy |
7,939 | daddit | My heart breaks for you, seriously. Please don't lose sight that these two need you. It sounds like you've got it covered for now but please hold on. Please. |
7,940 | daddit | We are all here for you. I can’t imagine your pain. Please talk to people. Stay safe. You have others that will need your love and strength at this time, as I’m sure you need it too. We are here for you. I know it doesn’t help enough but I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing. Please take care during this time, as much as you can. Again, I’m so sorry. |
7,941 | daddit | Whatever you need buddy, please reach out |
7,942 | daddit | No interest in gatekeeping, just curious what brings you here? |
7,943 | daddit | Thanks. I slept a couple hours, if only technically. I just had my first run in with one of her brothers as I sat here in the bathroom trying to muster up and shower. I froze and panicked. He's the youngest, 4, and in a matter of 4 seconds all I could think about was how much he looks like her. I'm already working on grief counselors for him and his older brother. I'm working on the things I know I can do. My mom is flying in. My best friend (brother from another mother) is coming in. I'm very sad but strangely "familiar." I feel like I've been inundated with death the past 7 years. My grandfather died and I was there (he was my hero). Then my aunt killed herself a year after. Then I was thrust into a situation with a stranger and doing CPR on her outside my home.on new years of 2019 trying to save her life and failed after she got into a car accident. Then my older brother died 10 days shy of his 40th in June of 2019. I'm just kind of typing and rambling into the void at this moment. All of the comments and thoughts are appreciated I just can't process it at the moment. I can barely process *the moment*. I'm not even 40. I wasn't even 21 yet when she was born. I didn't get to have the a-typical "20's". I didn't go to college. I just worked and worked on being a dad while everyone else I knew was going to college and partying it up and traveling. She was so beautiful. She was so loved. And now she's just.. gone. |
7,944 | daddit | When my father passed away, we found a pamphlet in the funeral home that is based on Mr. Rogers' approach to children and how to help them when someone they love dies. We used the advice in there to explain things to my children and it was very helpful. Here's a link to the pamphlet: [https://www.fredrogersinstitute.org/files/resources/38/griefbrochurer\_compressed-(1).pdf](https://www.fredrogersinstitute.org/files/resources/38/griefbrochurer_compressed-(1).pdf) I know it isn't much, but every little bit helps. |
7,945 | daddit | Hmm… I would swear I’ve heard keeping the suicide detail from young kids can cause them to lose trust and potentially be re-traumatized later, because they will always find out eventually. I’m of a mind to think zero sugar coating. So sorry for your loss OP. I can’t even imagine. |
7,946 | daddit | This is good advice. My dad was blunt when he told me my other brother died, and it helped me to process it at the time. “Your brother X was in an accident, he is dead.” I needed to hear it phrased that way to grasp it. OP, my heart hurts so much for you. I’m thinking of you all. Words don’t do enough. I am so sorry for this tremendous loss. Lean on others and don’t be afraid to ask for help. |
7,947 | daddit | Thats not exactly true. Depends on which part of the world you live. A few years ago i broke down mentally and couldn't tolerate any human around me for months. Uvv and the social net here in Netherlands have helped me to come back from the brink. Now the only remaining reminder is that i broke my body too gor work, and feel it many moment. |
7,948 | daddit | The one that gave me the most trauma was from my ex GF too. Before she'd said I have to keep her mental state secret from everyone and I'm the only reason she keeps going anymore. The stress of looking after her got too much and I broke down to my mum, felt guilty and told my ex that my mum knows her mental state now. That night she made me listen as she blamed me, overdosed and hit the ground. I couldn't do anything but try keep her awake over the phone. Couldn't leave her either because I was the only reason she was staying alive. No wonder I went into such a panic when she dumped me. |
7,949 | daddit | Yeah that’s another can of worms but yes no worries |
7,950 | daddit | Was more worried about his remainibg kids tbh |
7,951 | daddit | I have, thank you. |
7,952 | daddit | [deleted] |
7,953 | daddit | I read that book as a teen. Now I need to re-read it 25 years later. |
7,954 | daddit | So well put, and a great book recommendation, too. |
7,955 | daddit | @superkp that’s wholesome. I wish your daughters a long journey with such a complete-packaged dad. |
7,956 | daddit | My partner and I are trying for a kid soon and I really like the vibe in this group. I feel it’s a lot more positive than mom groups and it inspires me. I don’t usually comment, I only lurk |
7,957 | daddit | Also not a dad, I just lurk here for the generally positive masculinity and because my own father was terrible. |
7,958 | daddit | I know this was t for me but I lurk here to see how I can support my husband better. Seeing what you guys talk or complain about helps and also helps put things into words he can understand when I have an issue with him. I like a peaceful and non confrontational relationship and I also like a fair relationship so I like to check myself here to make sure I’m not acting on unconscious bias when it comes to men while also checking him to be sure we are both acting in good faith. We all are affected by the way society treats men and women a certain way and I want to be sure to stand up for myself when needed but in a way that doesn’t demean his experience as a father or husband. But I almost never comment because this is not my space and I don’t want to intrude but I hope you guys are ok with me peeping a little to help my husband that has borderline personality disorder and combat ptsd along with Cptsd and is working on getting better and doing great. And OP, I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would help ease the pain but there isn’t otherwise I would spend an entire week copying and pasting it if only to give you a small escape. The pain will lessen and in time remembering her will hurt less and the memories will bring you joy again if with a small ache instead of the sharp burn you feel now. Give it time. It won’t always be this dark. |
7,959 | daddit | I’m a mom, my husband is a stay at home dad. I joined originally just to keep a dad perspective and be aware for my husbands needs, now I prefer it to the mom groups but I too only lurk. |
7,960 | daddit | I didn’t have a good dad. Come here to prepare when I ever have kids, and to observe normal fatherly/family relations, looking in from the aquarium glass. |
7,961 | daddit | Not the person you asked, but I lurk here because Im a fencesitter and I like taking a peek at the good, bad, and ugly from the other side. I suspect there are a lot more people in the same situation. I also appreciate the terrible dad jokes :) |
7,962 | daddit | You can ramble all you need… we are all here to listen and offer any support you need… |
7,963 | daddit | Sounds like a good start. No joke, get counseling yourself. Use your support structure. |
7,964 | daddit | Nothing to say here, but I'm tearing up in the middle of work. I'm so sorry man. I just so sorry :/ |
7,965 | daddit | I'm going to paraphrase the best advice (absolutely not from a professional but from a man I really respect) I got when my younger cousin committed suicide. My aunt and uncle seemed to get some solace in it. Maybe it can help you and yours in some small way, but if it doesn't, thats fine too. "No parent should have to go through what you are experiencing. Many people will have feelings of guilt looking back trying to understand why they didn't see the signs. In the vast majority of cases there simply are no signs. Everything is internalized by the victim. It is so hard for us to understand how someone can do this, and we might not ever be able to. OP, you have many great memories of your daughter. Those arethe things to focus on. That is the girl she was and that is the way to remember her." |
7,966 | daddit | Ramble on my friend. |
7,967 | daddit | You’re a hero in every sense of the word. Know that. |
7,968 | daddit | As a former alcoholic my advice is to stay the hell away from booze in times like this. It’s easy to abuse it during times like this, and honestly it will only make you feel worse. |
7,969 | daddit | I'm sorry. You're not alone. We're here for you. I got a piece of advice that was so simple but so enlightening: Let yourself experience the emotion. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. There might be moments where you need to be strong but make sure you give yourself plenty of time to just feel. Related note: Take a look at the podcast All There Is With Anderson Cooper. He talks about his experience with loss, things that helped, things that didn't, things he kept, things he threw out, and so much more. I think it might help some people feel less alone. |
7,970 | daddit | Wow wow wow. Ramble on. I’m reading, we are all reading and listening. Here for you in anyway possible |
7,971 | daddit | I can't even imagine how all this must feel. I know we're strangers but something, and a very important something, that we have in common is that we're both dads who love our kids so much it hurts. I hope that counts for something and that you know I hope you and the rest of your family process everything and get the comfort you need and deserve. I know a bunch of other dads here have offered advice or a listening ear but I'd like to add my own if you're ever so inclined. Just make sure to take the time you need for yourself when you can. |
7,972 | daddit | It’s more an “in the initial moment” thing, plus OP specified *younger* children. For today, tell them that she died. Get with a therapist for the rest. |
7,973 | daddit | I've actually read and experienced that it's the other way around. Suicidal ideation runs in families and it's not entirely understood why, but one theory is that being exposed to so many family members who've done it (in this case OPs daughter and aunt) makes it seem like a more palpable option than what is typical. My mom has tried to commit suicide 3 times and has destroyed herself doing so. She'll be on dialysis until the day she dies which will be soon because of being intubated so many times. Her dad killed himself and her aunt killed herself. My cousins and I all struggle almost daily with suicidal tendancies. I won't kill myself, but I've decided if I ever did (which I won't) I'd write everyone in my family to never tell my son this runs in the family, and tell them I died in a car accident. Maybe my gamble would be incorrect, but I know from experience that knowing isn't helpful either so it's worth a shot. |
7,974 | daddit | Surely there's a way to first break the news that she's gone, and later get into how she died, breaking up the trauma into manageable steps? Not telling them right away doesn't necessarily mean hiding it forever. |
7,975 | daddit | Just so you know, there is *very* mixed research on whether or not accutane causes depression. Mainly because they can't determine whether it's the medication or the condition itself. As someone who took Accutane 20+ years ago, I can tell you (anecdotally speaking) that I was far more depressed by the bullying from my acne than anything else. My mental state only got better as my situation improved. https://www.self.com/story/accutane-and-depression-link That said, please put yourself in OP's shoes before asking a question like this... I get the discussion needs to be had in certain circles, but this ain't it. If I'm in OP's shoes, the last thing I want to do is discuss possible reasons for suicide with hundreds of internet strangers. He's just trying to grieve... he doesn't want to solve a mystery. |
7,976 | daddit | Yes. Might I also add To Kill a Mockingbird to that list. Such a great book for dads that we just don't get as teenagers. |
7,977 | daddit | same reason i'm here as a fellow mom. the mom groups were great for camaraderie when it came to physical symptoms/calamities involved in pregnancy and postpartum, but daddit and predaddit have always been more positive and comforting for me. |
7,978 | daddit | Well, we're glad you're here. More support is always welcome. |
7,979 | daddit | I do the same thing with r/TwoXChromosomes and r/lgbt. You don't have to speak to listen and learn. |
7,980 | daddit | I’m here cause my wife and I are trying and I lost my father so I don’t have that male figure to help me navigate and guide me. This sub has provided me so many laughs and helped shape me to the better person I am today. |
7,981 | daddit | Same (not a dad). I don't have a good relationship with my dad, so reading this sub gives me a taste of something I've never had. |
7,982 | daddit | This is a place for Dad Support. Helping you understand and translate for your husband counts, I would think! |
7,983 | daddit | It sounds like you have a very lucky husband! |
7,984 | daddit | Same here dude. I have no words and can’t imagine. Be kind to yourself OP. You have a legion here to hear you out and try our best to help in a way we can. |
7,985 | daddit | Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. |
7,986 | daddit | As a grief Clinician, what we tell caregivers is to get as close to the truth without providing details. For instance for very young children. Your sister died. She made her body stop working. And as they get older they will ask different questions and you can then talk to them in a way that is developmentally appropriate. The truth is, children that are very young do not understand what death is but they know routines and can tell when there is a change, specially a sibling no longer being there. All that to say- take your time. Grief is not linear. You are handing a lot right now. You don’t need to go into details but being honest will help strengthen the trust between you and your children. |
7,987 | daddit | This would be the way to go. Now, thrav is not wrong in that hiding a true cause of death will cause the grief process to kick in again, I had just watched a documentary on how a teen was told his grandparent died of a heart attack only to learn years later that it had been suicide and feeling the wound tore open again. And while she and others showed nothing but empathy towards a parent trying to explain this to a child, she did still feel lied to. That said, everything has to be age appropriate for the sake of being understandable, not for any nefarious purpose. Op said one of his kids is 4, and at that age driving home the finality of death is probably more important than the cause, or at least it has been when I’ve told about loved ones passing to my kids when they where that age. In future conversations that will bubble up more details can be given, but as many suggested, for op grief counseling and therapy should be first and align a coping strategy for going forward. |
7,988 | daddit | I agree. I follow some pregnancy subreddits and I think they are super useful but when it comes to parenting this sub seems more positive and understanding |
7,989 | daddit | Thank you! This is why I love this community so much. I hope my partner can be part of it soon. |
7,990 | daddit | I used to visit 2X but it got kinda unwelcoming for a while do dipped out, never see that sort of thing here. |
7,991 | daddit | Good bot |
7,992 | daddit | USA also 988 |
7,993 | daddit | Tagging u/speaksoftly_bigstick in case he doesn't see your comment. |
7,994 | daddit | u/speaksoftly_bigstick the moms and soon to be moms and dads and soon to be dads and every damn good soul in this subreddit are here, too, brother. You’re not alone. Any of us. DM any of us. On a more personal note: I haven’t lost one of mine, but I have stood at the graveside of a niece and a nephew who were far too young to leave. I carried the coffins for both, and one of them only required two of us to carry. It sucks, and you’ve got some rough days ahead of you, but you can do this. You can make it through the storm. If that’s your partner or wife in the picture, don’t let this split you. You need her as much as she needs you. Hug your boys. Remember the good days. Bask in the memories. You’ve got this and we’ve all got you. |
7,995 | daddit | Wow much better then me going first to dry it up for my daughter lol |
7,996 | daddit | You are a God amongst men |
7,997 | daddit | Wow teach me Dad Vinci |
7,998 | daddit | As a Texan who watched a trail of yellow liquid slide down after my kid form all the pollen we’ve had this is absolutely genius and why I’m in daddit as a mom |
7,999 | daddit | I like it when my kid hits Mach speed down the slide though… |
8,000 | daddit | You dropped this |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.