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[WP] You are an evil overlord and a messenger has just informed you about a prophecy about a chosen one who will defeat. You decide to just give up. | "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
---
There had been a prophecy, once.
A young, dashing, just-a-tad-too-arrogant hero would bring peace to the land. He would slay an evil tyrant, avenge his family, and be recorded in history.
Arnold was not that hero.
Arnold was a peasant boy, born to a mildly successful cattle farmer and a homely milkmaid. His voice was nasally rather than heroic, his nose a tad longer than would be considered dashing, and his frame too skinny to make the barmaids swoon. He didn't have a radiant smile - his front teeth were too crooked for that. He didn't have a natural charisma - he stuttered and stammered and suffered no small amount of social anxiety.
What he did have, however, was a loving and stable family. At the end of the day, there would always be food on the table. There was always a roof (even if it leaked a bit in the winter, mind you) over his head. And there was always someone to fuss over him and save copper pieces all year to buy him something he really didn't need, because all of the other children in the village had one.
---
His sister's birth was cause for celebration. The tiny cottage had been covered with streamers, and a delicately frosted cake (courtesy of the pudgy baker's widow next door) sat waiting on the kitchen table. Arnold had even managed to pluck his mother's favorite fresh wildflowers, despite his mild pollen allergy.
They remained there, still wilting, two weeks after blood loss had ripped a hole in his life.
---
Emptiness filled the cottage, these days. Arnold's father stomped through the door each day without a word, filled a bowl with cold stew, and locked himself in his bedroom, candlelight flickering from under the door into the early hours of the morning.
Arnold had never felt so alone.
---
A blood-curdling scream ripped through the night.
Arnold woke with a start, as yet another scream followed the sound of breaking glass.
It was the baker's widow.
He leapt out of bed, snatched the hatchet from the woodpile, and sprinted down the street.
Someone - or some*thing* had crawled its way through the window. A dark, viscous liquid clung to the broken shards.
"Mrs. Partridge?"
Another, final scream tore through the night, and there was silence.
Summoning his courage, Arnold leapt through the window, and brought the axe down.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Somewhere past the tenth swing, he realized it was no longer moving.
"Arnold! ARNOLD!" Rapid footsteps pattered down the street, then stopped in their tracks. His father stared, horrified, at the decayed monster that'd torn out Mrs. Partridge's throat.
"You killed her."
"No, I-"
"You *killed* her!"
"That's a-"
"YOU KILLED HER! YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER!" And in the blink of an eye, hands were at his throat. He squirmed, struggled -the world was going dark. Desperately, he reached for the hatchet and swung blindly.
And he became a true orphan.
---
He couldn't think. He couldn't- his whole world. He was a murderer. He was an orphan. He'd killed - What *had* he killed, exactly?
Forcing down bile, he stepped toward the rotting monster that'd first leapt through the window - and found his mother's face. Or what remained of it.
There wasn't time to think. Torchlight was already bleeding through the windows - curious townsfolk were on their way.
With a final, departing glance at his parents, he found his hatchet, clambered out the window, and sprinted home.
Bread. A moldy chunk of cheese. A leg of lamb. He tossed items into his sack haphazardly - he knew he couldn't stay.
As he stepped toward the door, the light from his father's bedroom caught his eye - the door was still open. A battered, ancient leather tome still lay open on the table. His father's journal, perhaps? He stuffed it under the cheese, and was gone.
And in that space between once-upon-a-time and 'one day', the land found its hero.
---
Whatever that *thing* had been, it certainly wasn't his mother. Whatever his father had become, it wasn't the man who'd worked to provide a better life for his family.
And whatever the hell this book was, it wasn't a diary.
Shifting, darkened letters almost seemed to dance across its surface. Diagrams of corpses and descriptions of a thousand occult rituals filled its pages.
This book had stolen everything from him.
But as he slowly realized, flipping through its pages, it had the potential to give back.
---
The rise of Arn the Indomitable had been sudden, unstoppable, and completely unexpected.
But it wasn't all that bad.
There were a few mishaps and accidents as the dead rose from their graves around the country, but - with the exception of an old lady, whose heart had given out when her husband's skeleton woke her one morning with a bouquet of flowers - the takeover was largely peaceful.
The country had been transformed almost overnight.
The mindless dead manned every mill, field, and ship in the land. The living had no need to work - every man, woman, and child could pursue education, art, music, literature, or the simple joys of family living as the bodies of those long gone kept society afloat.
A utopia had formed on the backs of the dead. Peace, freedom, trade, and prosperity reigned for decades.
---
But nothing lasts forever.
A wrinkled, aged Arnold listened. He listened as the handsome party of adventurers with more enchanted swords than sense cut down the hordes of the peaceful dead. He listened as society collapsed, as its workforce crumpled into bones and dust.
He listened as his life's work and the paradise he'd created was undone.
And one day, when the brilliant Prince and his daring party of adventurers burst into Arnold's throne room and declared that they would be the ones to finally end his reign, he listened.
And the ninety-year old Arnold, now with gray hair, a nose that still stuck out too far, and a heavy heart, spoke.
"Okay."
---
---
^^for ^^more ^^kinda ^^"okay" ^^stuff, ^^see ^^/r/Draxagon | "Lo, the son of prophecy
will strike the dark one out!
Son of more than prophecy-
From evil loins he sprouts!"
I quit all shaves and showers,
stocked up on ice cream tubs.
If *my* son's set to take my power, then,
on mating, I give up. | |
[WP] You are an evil overlord and a messenger has just informed you about a prophecy about a chosen one who will defeat. You decide to just give up. | Gerard knocked on the door to my chambers. I knew it was him because of the smell of cheap cologne which he thought made him fancy wafting through the entrance. I liked Gerard, he was a good evil butler. He had been with me since I was but a hopeful warlord in the Chander Provinces. Of course, I now controlled half the known world under my iron fist. He walked in with a silver tray. On it was a rolled up scroll, with a crimson seal on it. As he neared me, I could just start to make out the insignia: an owl with hourglasses for eyes.
"Ah, I see I have a letter from the Prophet Mellokar."
"Yes, sir. It just arrived by his personal owl. It told me that this was of the utmost importance."
I picked the scroll up off of the tray and broke the seal. The puff of red dust told me that I was the first to do so. In the middle of the scroll was what could only be a prophecy. It was five lines written in the unmistakable scrawl of a man possessed by the spirit of the future. Above it, a note in Mellokar's usual studious handwriting, and below, his signature. The note read: *My master and overlord Elrazar the Merciless, please take this prophecy of utmost to heart - your life depends on it.*
Intrigued, I continued reading. I reached the end of the prophecy, blinked, and looked back at it.
"No," I whispered to myself.
I let my eyes wander over the words once more.
**"Your doom will come on a silver tray,
Your fate is sealed within the day.
The empire you have built is lost,
A chosen one melts you like frost.
You have left one only chance,
Relinquish power before his advance."**
Gerard, in his insolence, had gone and read it over my shoulder. "Sir, you cannot believe this drivel! You are the most powerful mad in the world, surely you can fight off anyone. Besides, you could never give power to one of your generals. It would start a civil war!"
The man had a point I could not give power to any one of my generals. But if Mellokar said something would happen, that was a guarantee. I must give up, there was no point in fighting the inevitable. Perhaps I could save myself.
"Gerard, I nominate you as my successor," I proclaimed, handing the man my signet ring. "Save my empire from this enemy, and it will treat you well."
He looked at me, and cocked his head. "I would have preferred something a bit more spectacular for my ascension, but this will do. Goodbye, my liege." I felt the cold steel pierce my back. The prophecy had come true, as it said it would, within the day. | Concede, a word that was not part of my vocabulary. Yet, today for some odd reason it seemed to be the only available option.
I was the ruler of kingdom of many. Few would seek to challenge me. Those who did were faced with the mighty arm that was my party. People under the fists of my oppression, squirmed and shook for freedom. Perpetrators trying to topple my kingdom, would find themselves rotting at the bottom of a gutter. Documents indicating me of illicit activities would disappear without a trace. And prophets who came bearing grave news would scram back to the gullies from which they came. My belows were heard all around the kingdom and could not be ignored.
During the time in which my kingdom prospered, a plethora of messengers would arrive at my doorstep. Each of which delivering a prophecy, in which one man or another was meant to kill me. Nonetheless, I stood dutiful to the throne. It was for this reason that I took to shock when I heard of the prophecy. Armies led beneath a man, were powering across the great lands. His soldier’s crossing across the great arid deserts-orange with perspiration. The sun was smacking the side of their face. The messenger eyes held a look of despair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
*“ The Planes of the Orange Blossom, They have been taken my Lord,” the messenger gasped,
“Enemies are climbing up the land of the Orange Flickers.”*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lips trembled at the sound of his words. The Planes of the Orange Blossom had always been protected by an impenetrable fortress. Immediately I dismissed the messenger, only to call upon the presence of that who was my general. *“Mook, please accompany me, We have much to discuss.”* I waved my hand in nonchalance.
I had asked Mook to station 250,000 troops, 30,000 horses, 100 cannons and 70 catapults across the border of the land of Irises. Surely this would be enough to fight the diaspora of troops moving across the plains.
**I was wrong.**
Days later the messenger again made by my doorstep. His voice was now dyspneic. He alerted me that the land of Irises as well had been taken from my power. My face blue of anger. In swift motion, I’d call upon Mook again. This time to place even more troops on the borders. I ordered an increase in troops from 250,000 to 500,000, the horses from 30,000 to 60,000, the cannons from 100 to 200 and the catapults from 70 to 140. I wanted double of everything.
Day after Day the messenger would arrive. His eyes becoming more somber. He’d tell me of how each land was taken by the armies of that man.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
**In the first week, the orange men took The Nests of the Apple Blossoms**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**On the second week, they took The Grasses of the White Tail Deer.**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**On the third week, The Plains of the Tulip Poplar.**
Each day had become more and more hopeless. Land taken over after land-Until of course he had reached the sides of my biggest fortress. My frown turned into a mischievous smile. My army could make a significant push back. *“Mook place 2,844,705 men on the Haven of the Eastern Hemlocks.”* This would be a sizeable army. It would go well with the already sanctioned 200,000 horses, 800 cannons and 500 catapults. *“Only a stupid man would attack the Haven,”* I snuck in a little chuckle.
I woke up the next morning expecting nothing but the best. I took a warm bath, watched a maid tidy my shoes, and lept into my chair for a delicious omelet breakfast. I was patiently waiting for the messenger to arrive.
Hours later, did the messenger finally arrive to my room. What had been thought was going to bear a pleasant fruit ended up bringing me a poisonous apple. The messenger sniveled , *“We did everything that could be done mam. The Haven of the Eastern Hemlocks has been taken.”* My eyes wept of great sorrow. *“Mook,”* I fell to the floor, *“Raise the white flags. I concede.” “Maybe next time you can build a wall,”* Mook replied. Men of unfashionable hair and orange faces surrounded the building.
| |
[WP] You are an evil overlord and a messenger has just informed you about a prophecy about a chosen one who will defeat. You decide to just give up. | "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
---
There had been a prophecy, once.
A young, dashing, just-a-tad-too-arrogant hero would bring peace to the land. He would slay an evil tyrant, avenge his family, and be recorded in history.
Arnold was not that hero.
Arnold was a peasant boy, born to a mildly successful cattle farmer and a homely milkmaid. His voice was nasally rather than heroic, his nose a tad longer than would be considered dashing, and his frame too skinny to make the barmaids swoon. He didn't have a radiant smile - his front teeth were too crooked for that. He didn't have a natural charisma - he stuttered and stammered and suffered no small amount of social anxiety.
What he did have, however, was a loving and stable family. At the end of the day, there would always be food on the table. There was always a roof (even if it leaked a bit in the winter, mind you) over his head. And there was always someone to fuss over him and save copper pieces all year to buy him something he really didn't need, because all of the other children in the village had one.
---
His sister's birth was cause for celebration. The tiny cottage had been covered with streamers, and a delicately frosted cake (courtesy of the pudgy baker's widow next door) sat waiting on the kitchen table. Arnold had even managed to pluck his mother's favorite fresh wildflowers, despite his mild pollen allergy.
They remained there, still wilting, two weeks after blood loss had ripped a hole in his life.
---
Emptiness filled the cottage, these days. Arnold's father stomped through the door each day without a word, filled a bowl with cold stew, and locked himself in his bedroom, candlelight flickering from under the door into the early hours of the morning.
Arnold had never felt so alone.
---
A blood-curdling scream ripped through the night.
Arnold woke with a start, as yet another scream followed the sound of breaking glass.
It was the baker's widow.
He leapt out of bed, snatched the hatchet from the woodpile, and sprinted down the street.
Someone - or some*thing* had crawled its way through the window. A dark, viscous liquid clung to the broken shards.
"Mrs. Partridge?"
Another, final scream tore through the night, and there was silence.
Summoning his courage, Arnold leapt through the window, and brought the axe down.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Somewhere past the tenth swing, he realized it was no longer moving.
"Arnold! ARNOLD!" Rapid footsteps pattered down the street, then stopped in their tracks. His father stared, horrified, at the decayed monster that'd torn out Mrs. Partridge's throat.
"You killed her."
"No, I-"
"You *killed* her!"
"That's a-"
"YOU KILLED HER! YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER!" And in the blink of an eye, hands were at his throat. He squirmed, struggled -the world was going dark. Desperately, he reached for the hatchet and swung blindly.
And he became a true orphan.
---
He couldn't think. He couldn't- his whole world. He was a murderer. He was an orphan. He'd killed - What *had* he killed, exactly?
Forcing down bile, he stepped toward the rotting monster that'd first leapt through the window - and found his mother's face. Or what remained of it.
There wasn't time to think. Torchlight was already bleeding through the windows - curious townsfolk were on their way.
With a final, departing glance at his parents, he found his hatchet, clambered out the window, and sprinted home.
Bread. A moldy chunk of cheese. A leg of lamb. He tossed items into his sack haphazardly - he knew he couldn't stay.
As he stepped toward the door, the light from his father's bedroom caught his eye - the door was still open. A battered, ancient leather tome still lay open on the table. His father's journal, perhaps? He stuffed it under the cheese, and was gone.
And in that space between once-upon-a-time and 'one day', the land found its hero.
---
Whatever that *thing* had been, it certainly wasn't his mother. Whatever his father had become, it wasn't the man who'd worked to provide a better life for his family.
And whatever the hell this book was, it wasn't a diary.
Shifting, darkened letters almost seemed to dance across its surface. Diagrams of corpses and descriptions of a thousand occult rituals filled its pages.
This book had stolen everything from him.
But as he slowly realized, flipping through its pages, it had the potential to give back.
---
The rise of Arn the Indomitable had been sudden, unstoppable, and completely unexpected.
But it wasn't all that bad.
There were a few mishaps and accidents as the dead rose from their graves around the country, but - with the exception of an old lady, whose heart had given out when her husband's skeleton woke her one morning with a bouquet of flowers - the takeover was largely peaceful.
The country had been transformed almost overnight.
The mindless dead manned every mill, field, and ship in the land. The living had no need to work - every man, woman, and child could pursue education, art, music, literature, or the simple joys of family living as the bodies of those long gone kept society afloat.
A utopia had formed on the backs of the dead. Peace, freedom, trade, and prosperity reigned for decades.
---
But nothing lasts forever.
A wrinkled, aged Arnold listened. He listened as the handsome party of adventurers with more enchanted swords than sense cut down the hordes of the peaceful dead. He listened as society collapsed, as its workforce crumpled into bones and dust.
He listened as his life's work and the paradise he'd created was undone.
And one day, when the brilliant Prince and his daring party of adventurers burst into Arnold's throne room and declared that they would be the ones to finally end his reign, he listened.
And the ninety-year old Arnold, now with gray hair, a nose that still stuck out too far, and a heavy heart, spoke.
"Okay."
---
---
^^for ^^more ^^kinda ^^"okay" ^^stuff, ^^see ^^/r/Draxagon | Concede, a word that was not part of my vocabulary. Yet, today for some odd reason it seemed to be the only available option.
I was the ruler of kingdom of many. Few would seek to challenge me. Those who did were faced with the mighty arm that was my party. People under the fists of my oppression, squirmed and shook for freedom. Perpetrators trying to topple my kingdom, would find themselves rotting at the bottom of a gutter. Documents indicating me of illicit activities would disappear without a trace. And prophets who came bearing grave news would scram back to the gullies from which they came. My belows were heard all around the kingdom and could not be ignored.
During the time in which my kingdom prospered, a plethora of messengers would arrive at my doorstep. Each of which delivering a prophecy, in which one man or another was meant to kill me. Nonetheless, I stood dutiful to the throne. It was for this reason that I took to shock when I heard of the prophecy. Armies led beneath a man, were powering across the great lands. His soldier’s crossing across the great arid deserts-orange with perspiration. The sun was smacking the side of their face. The messenger eyes held a look of despair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
*“ The Planes of the Orange Blossom, They have been taken my Lord,” the messenger gasped,
“Enemies are climbing up the land of the Orange Flickers.”*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lips trembled at the sound of his words. The Planes of the Orange Blossom had always been protected by an impenetrable fortress. Immediately I dismissed the messenger, only to call upon the presence of that who was my general. *“Mook, please accompany me, We have much to discuss.”* I waved my hand in nonchalance.
I had asked Mook to station 250,000 troops, 30,000 horses, 100 cannons and 70 catapults across the border of the land of Irises. Surely this would be enough to fight the diaspora of troops moving across the plains.
**I was wrong.**
Days later the messenger again made by my doorstep. His voice was now dyspneic. He alerted me that the land of Irises as well had been taken from my power. My face blue of anger. In swift motion, I’d call upon Mook again. This time to place even more troops on the borders. I ordered an increase in troops from 250,000 to 500,000, the horses from 30,000 to 60,000, the cannons from 100 to 200 and the catapults from 70 to 140. I wanted double of everything.
Day after Day the messenger would arrive. His eyes becoming more somber. He’d tell me of how each land was taken by the armies of that man.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
**In the first week, the orange men took The Nests of the Apple Blossoms**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**On the second week, they took The Grasses of the White Tail Deer.**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
**On the third week, The Plains of the Tulip Poplar.**
Each day had become more and more hopeless. Land taken over after land-Until of course he had reached the sides of my biggest fortress. My frown turned into a mischievous smile. My army could make a significant push back. *“Mook place 2,844,705 men on the Haven of the Eastern Hemlocks.”* This would be a sizeable army. It would go well with the already sanctioned 200,000 horses, 800 cannons and 500 catapults. *“Only a stupid man would attack the Haven,”* I snuck in a little chuckle.
I woke up the next morning expecting nothing but the best. I took a warm bath, watched a maid tidy my shoes, and lept into my chair for a delicious omelet breakfast. I was patiently waiting for the messenger to arrive.
Hours later, did the messenger finally arrive to my room. What had been thought was going to bear a pleasant fruit ended up bringing me a poisonous apple. The messenger sniveled , *“We did everything that could be done mam. The Haven of the Eastern Hemlocks has been taken.”* My eyes wept of great sorrow. *“Mook,”* I fell to the floor, *“Raise the white flags. I concede.” “Maybe next time you can build a wall,”* Mook replied. Men of unfashionable hair and orange faces surrounded the building.
| |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | There were 2 different kinds of people in this new world. The worthwhile and the worthless. On that day who was who truly showed itself.
In the Middle East, Chaos erupted. America's soldiers and ISIS's terrorists.killing each other in new ways unheard of just before the "event" men holding shields could generate shields at will like magic. While men holding syringes became the tip of the medic divisions spear.
Back on the Homefront the pharmaceutical industry went crazy, with pharmacists producing medicine at an alarming rate. People in physical therapy were instantly healed and made stronger. Production of clothing skyrocketed after all the seamstresses became able to move needles with there mind.
But me and my friends... we can sharpen pencils with our minds. And if you were lucky, you can make pens appear.
----------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading
Edit: I don't know why the formatting is so odd. Rip | "Stop laughing."
Symbolism, I decided, was one hell of a drug.
My best friend spun a tube of lipstick in his hand and transformed into a much taller, well built person.
We were joking, at the time. I was poking fun at him, saying something about his inner femininity and I tosseda my girlfriend's make-up bag at him.
Don't ask me why I had it.
That was when it happened. I reached down to clear my glasses, and suddenly, I didn't need them anymore. Placing them back on my face, I could see pathways and distortions where they shouldn't have existed-doorways of light.
We were sitting together, but suddenly the bartender called us over (as well as everyone else in the bar, but it wasn't the most popular bar) and snapped his fingers.
Now, the bartender was a friendly guy. Latino-legally, if that means anything to you. His mom was some sort of bank consultant and he was in college. But this was important because he had longish hair, and his name tag...
Well...
Wine dripped from thin air. Jesus cackled at the irony while we were still processing this.
Back to the topic. "Dude. I just realized how awesome that is. You're now better at applying makeup than most women."
Because the 'incident' had occurred at noon, where no one was getting ready for the day. The amount of food based superpowers was ridiculous.
I took my glasses off after observing ripples in the light. Raising my hands, the world bent, only slightly, but appeared to be another place entirely.
"This is your fault, you know."
"No, no! This is great. Can you change genders?"
"...I haven't tried, but I don't like where this is going."
"Oh, nowhere special." I thought for a moment. There were many things we could do as a team- light refraction and glamours. "I just think-"
I received a call.
Remember when I said that most people weren't preparing for the day at high noon?
My girlfriend was one of them.
"Hello?"
"Get over here. Now." A clear, angry chime struck a dissonant chord.
"Don't listen to her! She's taking the coward's way out!" A vibrant voice, almost visually smug, yelled.
They were the same, but they were obviously different.
Dear Amelia, holding a compact mirror at the time, couldn't apply makeup anymore, which was why Jack over here was currently holding her bag still.
What she could do was summon an alternate version of herself that already had makeup on. Remember all those misogynists who say that women have two faces?
Well, at least now it's clear which one is which. And the activation was blinking in front of a mirror, notoriously hard to control among my circle of friends. And to deactivate, one either had to die or they both had to stand in front of a mirror and do some complex female ritual I was decidedly unfamiliar with.
"Millie, this has to stop. Whenever this happens, it takes hours to settle."
"Yeah? It wouldn't happen if you kept taking her side."
"I'm taking *your* side! You are literally the same person!"
"Ugh. We're talking about this later."
In truth, her ability would cancel and there wouldn't be anything to talk about by the time I was back. I didn't say that, of course.
"No we're not~"
Her alternate self had no such qualms.
---
By the way, you could generally tell a lot about a person based on their power. Object + personality, after all. Which was why it was hard not to snicker when you saw people with superior dominant arm strength or people who vibrated at random intervals. There was a certain walk of shame to it, but it only really applied to new people.
"You look down."
My friend, at noon a week, was being mugged. He wasn't my best friend, but I appreciated him.
He sighed. "I'm fine. It's just..."
He was a weak guy. I joked about my best friend's inner femininity (of which there was none until after the incident) but Kenneth was just sort of passive.
"I was defending myself, you know? But I wanted to be a teacher and whenever they smell the iron on me, they just..."
After the incident, there were two dead muggers, who had knife-based superpowers. And Kenneth stood there, an unimaginable crack shot moment occurring just seconds before his expected demise.
But people saw him and assumed the worst. His power was really to freeze time in order to get the perfect shot or to avoid certain demise, but if you observed him with any sense, he just sort of seemed to be a walking armory.
"Hey. Don't worry about it. A lot of people lost opportunities. But you gained some too, right? A perfect shot isn't always a head shot."
I joked, but I could see so many possibilities, even just within my circle of friends. Yeah 'see', haha. Taking off my glasses...
"C'mon. Kenneth, protector of the people, making a better world for everyone? People will come to trust you. If nothing else, you'll be the best cop ever."
I got another call. The caller ID was the same as it usually was these days.
"Well I hope you can make it work. I have another cat fight to stop."
He snorted. "Yeah. She's a one woman comedy show now, isn't she? Can't tell if any of this was for better or for worse. I mean, well, I'm alive for it, but still."
"Tell me about it." | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | “November 16, 2016. The day will forever be known as the Great Change (“GC”). I wish we could just go back to how it was. When we were all just plain humans.
Nobody really understood what had happened. We felt nothing different, but within an instance we all looked different and could do superhuman things. 5:34 PM to be exact. The GC felt as natural as walking into your home, but the moment that you stepped through the door all of your furniture changed, the walls disappeared, and the roof was left floating on its own. It was jarring, scary and exciting, and it all happened in the blink of an eye.
There were no secret government projects that accidently went awry. God didn’t come down from wherever and tell us we were special and amazing and that he was finally going to reward us for all of the amazing progress we made. That was a joke by the way Kyle, no need to grimace at me. I know about WW2, I know about the genocides, I know about slavery, I know Trump was elected the year of the GC. All of us know humanity’s collective factual knowledge and history thanks to the Cognition Implants created by the Brainiacs. Sharing stories is still necessary though so we can broaden our horizons beyond logic, so stop looking so glum Kyle.
Anyway… I can’t say for sure that we lowly humans were not responsible for the GC, but a year has gone by and not a single person has taken credit for it. Even the super-genius Brainiacs can’t figure out how the GC happened. But then again, maybe nobody took credit because of how many of us disappeared. I know it’s a difficult topic, I lost my parents that day. I know many of you had people who were also holding nothing in their hands during the GC. What happened, happened however. Until one of the Brainiacs can create a time machine we will have to honor the Goners by celebrating their memory every year on GC Day. We can’t let sadness and anger stop us from moving forward as a species. You all know that.”
The sea of faces in front of me revealed a mixture of emotions, strong and empathetic, weak and sociopathic, all personal, their true depths meant to be hidden. However, every secret was laid bare for me because of my power. I felt all of them against my will within the span of a second. With my hand firmly pressed against the podium I counted down from five, clearing my mind before speaking again.
“Alright. Let’s get back on topic. I’m supposed to recount my life story for you all, and I intend to finish by 2:00 PM so we don’t have to drag this into another lecture.”
“Sir, there’s only five minutes left”, sung Cindy, the words were in perfect pitch and made my eyes water as euphoria tickled my brain. She must have been holding an mp3 player or a microphone during the GC, something along those lines. Singers weren't common amongst the populace. It was a great pleasure to have her in my class when she didn't abuse her powers.
“Come on Cindy, just let me continue and please refrain from using your powers to distract me.”
The class laughed, a few boys near her swooned uncontrollably. I continued after they quieted down.
“The day before the GC, I was laid off and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot. Not as much as the Smokees or the Greeners do now, but enough that I didn’t feel bad about where my life was heading. I had about a month left on my apartment’s lease, so I was going to take it easy and then find a job after I moved back in with my parents. I woke up late on the day of the GC, around 4:30 PM, spent the next hour rolling cigarillos and swinging back beers.”
An audible gasp could be heard in the room. The GC had many causalities aside from the Goners. Everyone knew about the monsters who looked like walking Marijuana plants, or had completely red eyes and a drunken drawl that you couldn't understand. Some people were cursed to constantly emit thick smoke from all of their orifices. Whenever I passed one in the streets I had to avoid looking at them, otherwise I would collapse from the pain and misery I felt coming from them. It’s funny, before the GC our society had a taboo on illegal drug use, some people even looked down on you for it. Now it's different, since some people are tied forever to the drug they were holding during the GC.
“Calm down, I know, I know, I thank my lucky stars every day that I was so miserable and drunk that I couldn’t keep indulging myself. As you all know, I wasn’t holding anything like that when the clock struck 5:34 PM. I had left my apartment to go visit my girlfriend. I met up with her just a minute before-“
The bell rang interrupting me before I could finish my story. Three students instantaneously disappeared. Another four looked like they disappeared, but were just moving so fast that you couldn’t see them leave the room. One student had a lion come pick her up. The whole lecture hall cleared out within 30 seconds. I had to sit down and hold myself to stop shaking. At the end of every lecture I was bombarded with so much excitement it felt like an adrenaline rush multiplied over a thousand times. I looked up and saw Cindy looking at me. She was the last one in the room.
“I know you will probably tell us on Thursday, but I’m curious, what were you holding Mr. Oltalk?” she asked, straining not to sing her question. I appreciated her restraint.
“Well, if you can’t wait I’ll tell you”, I said smiling, “I was holding my girlfriend’s hand”.
| "Stop laughing."
Symbolism, I decided, was one hell of a drug.
My best friend spun a tube of lipstick in his hand and transformed into a much taller, well built person.
We were joking, at the time. I was poking fun at him, saying something about his inner femininity and I tosseda my girlfriend's make-up bag at him.
Don't ask me why I had it.
That was when it happened. I reached down to clear my glasses, and suddenly, I didn't need them anymore. Placing them back on my face, I could see pathways and distortions where they shouldn't have existed-doorways of light.
We were sitting together, but suddenly the bartender called us over (as well as everyone else in the bar, but it wasn't the most popular bar) and snapped his fingers.
Now, the bartender was a friendly guy. Latino-legally, if that means anything to you. His mom was some sort of bank consultant and he was in college. But this was important because he had longish hair, and his name tag...
Well...
Wine dripped from thin air. Jesus cackled at the irony while we were still processing this.
Back to the topic. "Dude. I just realized how awesome that is. You're now better at applying makeup than most women."
Because the 'incident' had occurred at noon, where no one was getting ready for the day. The amount of food based superpowers was ridiculous.
I took my glasses off after observing ripples in the light. Raising my hands, the world bent, only slightly, but appeared to be another place entirely.
"This is your fault, you know."
"No, no! This is great. Can you change genders?"
"...I haven't tried, but I don't like where this is going."
"Oh, nowhere special." I thought for a moment. There were many things we could do as a team- light refraction and glamours. "I just think-"
I received a call.
Remember when I said that most people weren't preparing for the day at high noon?
My girlfriend was one of them.
"Hello?"
"Get over here. Now." A clear, angry chime struck a dissonant chord.
"Don't listen to her! She's taking the coward's way out!" A vibrant voice, almost visually smug, yelled.
They were the same, but they were obviously different.
Dear Amelia, holding a compact mirror at the time, couldn't apply makeup anymore, which was why Jack over here was currently holding her bag still.
What she could do was summon an alternate version of herself that already had makeup on. Remember all those misogynists who say that women have two faces?
Well, at least now it's clear which one is which. And the activation was blinking in front of a mirror, notoriously hard to control among my circle of friends. And to deactivate, one either had to die or they both had to stand in front of a mirror and do some complex female ritual I was decidedly unfamiliar with.
"Millie, this has to stop. Whenever this happens, it takes hours to settle."
"Yeah? It wouldn't happen if you kept taking her side."
"I'm taking *your* side! You are literally the same person!"
"Ugh. We're talking about this later."
In truth, her ability would cancel and there wouldn't be anything to talk about by the time I was back. I didn't say that, of course.
"No we're not~"
Her alternate self had no such qualms.
---
By the way, you could generally tell a lot about a person based on their power. Object + personality, after all. Which was why it was hard not to snicker when you saw people with superior dominant arm strength or people who vibrated at random intervals. There was a certain walk of shame to it, but it only really applied to new people.
"You look down."
My friend, at noon a week, was being mugged. He wasn't my best friend, but I appreciated him.
He sighed. "I'm fine. It's just..."
He was a weak guy. I joked about my best friend's inner femininity (of which there was none until after the incident) but Kenneth was just sort of passive.
"I was defending myself, you know? But I wanted to be a teacher and whenever they smell the iron on me, they just..."
After the incident, there were two dead muggers, who had knife-based superpowers. And Kenneth stood there, an unimaginable crack shot moment occurring just seconds before his expected demise.
But people saw him and assumed the worst. His power was really to freeze time in order to get the perfect shot or to avoid certain demise, but if you observed him with any sense, he just sort of seemed to be a walking armory.
"Hey. Don't worry about it. A lot of people lost opportunities. But you gained some too, right? A perfect shot isn't always a head shot."
I joked, but I could see so many possibilities, even just within my circle of friends. Yeah 'see', haha. Taking off my glasses...
"C'mon. Kenneth, protector of the people, making a better world for everyone? People will come to trust you. If nothing else, you'll be the best cop ever."
I got another call. The caller ID was the same as it usually was these days.
"Well I hope you can make it work. I have another cat fight to stop."
He snorted. "Yeah. She's a one woman comedy show now, isn't she? Can't tell if any of this was for better or for worse. I mean, well, I'm alive for it, but still."
"Tell me about it." | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | It turned out that the skills were transferable. Or, to be precise, that there was no difference between the skills at all.
At first, the cashiers of the world went wild. They, of minimum wage, had inherited the Earth - in the form of small change and dollar bills.
But the economy changes, when people can pull things out of thin air. This is especially so when you learn that your powers expand, into the *class* of things, as a whole.
So, the chefs all discovered, as they played with their powers, that it was more than the tuna, or truffle, or steak, or whatever else they’d been handling. It was food, glorious food, that they could categorically conjure.
The mothers (it was mostly mothers), who had been in the kitchen, soon learned about that too.
When wives, and friends, and neighbors could put bread on every table - why bother going on, with mundane work, at all?
And everyone played with their powers a little more. They got creative.
So, if you’d been loading the printer at work, and now you summoned a piece of paper, but thought it *big*, and felt the shape in your mind gain dimension, and plunged into the paper block and swam through the inchoate white, and tugged the nearly-thereness into the pant-barking *feel* of a dog -- well, you got a dog. A real, live dog.
Which meant that everyone could summon anything, and everything at all. It was just the process that differed. It was like meditation. Some people imagine candle-flames. Other people count breaths. Still others like to chant a single syllable as they sit. They’re just different ways to get to the same headspace, in the end.
And, just like meditation, you eventually got good enough to ditch the precursor, and go straight into summoning the dog.
If we could summon things - could we send things? Namely, ourselves? So, instead of calling matter *in*, we tried flowing ourselves *out*, and found that we could, indeed, pour into that sideways space where anything could be molded, and gather our beings and atoms into wherever it was we wanted.
And then we found that it was more than *wherever*, we could emerge as *whatever* else we wanted, too.
At every step, we thought that we had discovered the true measure of our powers, and at every step we realized that there was yet more to be had.
Finally, we transcended.
If you stayed in the in-between, and stretched your eyes and nerves amorphous, and let your mind expand and hover in this psychic-atom playpen, you started to drift, and spread, and scatter, in the most pleasurable manner - until the body dropped away, and you were left with limitless self, and suddenly you were rushing through every atom in existence, every second in time, every *is*, *was*, or *would be*, then you understood, at last, that you were universe, and always had been.
So now we fly between the stars, and through the folds of space and time, and drop sometimes, into points, when we feel like being *single* - becoming, perhaps, a Volek K’tor, with a great martial fleet, or a toddler on a swing on a shining summer day. Then, we fly out again, laughing, and cosmic in our embrace.
But we have been thinking, lately.
If, when we were human, we could summon human things - could it be, that now, as universe, we could birth universe at will?
So we breathe across the span of our infinite domain, and sink into this breath, everywhere, at once, and we hold the quarks and quasars in the not-yet-might-be’s of random space, and pull, and form, and push, and *ah~*
*we can -*
*we can -*
*we can - explode again, forever, in a multitude of bangs, this moment, eternal, that sings out without end.*
| "Stop laughing."
Symbolism, I decided, was one hell of a drug.
My best friend spun a tube of lipstick in his hand and transformed into a much taller, well built person.
We were joking, at the time. I was poking fun at him, saying something about his inner femininity and I tosseda my girlfriend's make-up bag at him.
Don't ask me why I had it.
That was when it happened. I reached down to clear my glasses, and suddenly, I didn't need them anymore. Placing them back on my face, I could see pathways and distortions where they shouldn't have existed-doorways of light.
We were sitting together, but suddenly the bartender called us over (as well as everyone else in the bar, but it wasn't the most popular bar) and snapped his fingers.
Now, the bartender was a friendly guy. Latino-legally, if that means anything to you. His mom was some sort of bank consultant and he was in college. But this was important because he had longish hair, and his name tag...
Well...
Wine dripped from thin air. Jesus cackled at the irony while we were still processing this.
Back to the topic. "Dude. I just realized how awesome that is. You're now better at applying makeup than most women."
Because the 'incident' had occurred at noon, where no one was getting ready for the day. The amount of food based superpowers was ridiculous.
I took my glasses off after observing ripples in the light. Raising my hands, the world bent, only slightly, but appeared to be another place entirely.
"This is your fault, you know."
"No, no! This is great. Can you change genders?"
"...I haven't tried, but I don't like where this is going."
"Oh, nowhere special." I thought for a moment. There were many things we could do as a team- light refraction and glamours. "I just think-"
I received a call.
Remember when I said that most people weren't preparing for the day at high noon?
My girlfriend was one of them.
"Hello?"
"Get over here. Now." A clear, angry chime struck a dissonant chord.
"Don't listen to her! She's taking the coward's way out!" A vibrant voice, almost visually smug, yelled.
They were the same, but they were obviously different.
Dear Amelia, holding a compact mirror at the time, couldn't apply makeup anymore, which was why Jack over here was currently holding her bag still.
What she could do was summon an alternate version of herself that already had makeup on. Remember all those misogynists who say that women have two faces?
Well, at least now it's clear which one is which. And the activation was blinking in front of a mirror, notoriously hard to control among my circle of friends. And to deactivate, one either had to die or they both had to stand in front of a mirror and do some complex female ritual I was decidedly unfamiliar with.
"Millie, this has to stop. Whenever this happens, it takes hours to settle."
"Yeah? It wouldn't happen if you kept taking her side."
"I'm taking *your* side! You are literally the same person!"
"Ugh. We're talking about this later."
In truth, her ability would cancel and there wouldn't be anything to talk about by the time I was back. I didn't say that, of course.
"No we're not~"
Her alternate self had no such qualms.
---
By the way, you could generally tell a lot about a person based on their power. Object + personality, after all. Which was why it was hard not to snicker when you saw people with superior dominant arm strength or people who vibrated at random intervals. There was a certain walk of shame to it, but it only really applied to new people.
"You look down."
My friend, at noon a week, was being mugged. He wasn't my best friend, but I appreciated him.
He sighed. "I'm fine. It's just..."
He was a weak guy. I joked about my best friend's inner femininity (of which there was none until after the incident) but Kenneth was just sort of passive.
"I was defending myself, you know? But I wanted to be a teacher and whenever they smell the iron on me, they just..."
After the incident, there were two dead muggers, who had knife-based superpowers. And Kenneth stood there, an unimaginable crack shot moment occurring just seconds before his expected demise.
But people saw him and assumed the worst. His power was really to freeze time in order to get the perfect shot or to avoid certain demise, but if you observed him with any sense, he just sort of seemed to be a walking armory.
"Hey. Don't worry about it. A lot of people lost opportunities. But you gained some too, right? A perfect shot isn't always a head shot."
I joked, but I could see so many possibilities, even just within my circle of friends. Yeah 'see', haha. Taking off my glasses...
"C'mon. Kenneth, protector of the people, making a better world for everyone? People will come to trust you. If nothing else, you'll be the best cop ever."
I got another call. The caller ID was the same as it usually was these days.
"Well I hope you can make it work. I have another cat fight to stop."
He snorted. "Yeah. She's a one woman comedy show now, isn't she? Can't tell if any of this was for better or for worse. I mean, well, I'm alive for it, but still."
"Tell me about it." | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | There were 2 different kinds of people in this new world. The worthwhile and the worthless. On that day who was who truly showed itself.
In the Middle East, Chaos erupted. America's soldiers and ISIS's terrorists.killing each other in new ways unheard of just before the "event" men holding shields could generate shields at will like magic. While men holding syringes became the tip of the medic divisions spear.
Back on the Homefront the pharmaceutical industry went crazy, with pharmacists producing medicine at an alarming rate. People in physical therapy were instantly healed and made stronger. Production of clothing skyrocketed after all the seamstresses became able to move needles with there mind.
But me and my friends... we can sharpen pencils with our minds. And if you were lucky, you can make pens appear.
----------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading
Edit: I don't know why the formatting is so odd. Rip | So we were robbing a bank. Things got a little out of hand and suddenly the building was surrounded by cop car after cop car. To top it all off everyone and their mother was now some sort of super mutant. We don't know what happened but my buddy (who had been lighting a cigarette at the time) was now a human combustion engine. Money, I assumed, was now worthless anyway; the tellers and customers were flat on their backs covered in green.
"Cops are advancing. They don't know that I'm gonna blow this place sky high." My buddy was already lighting up. I nodded and threw my watch to the cops outside; it was useless anyway after I narrowly avoided getting shot (at the cost of my watch of course). It was also the signal we had agreed on. Cops were already bursting in, armed with, well, arms, that were now guns and other various instruments. Large armored men who I assumed to have been holding riot shields followed suit.
"Stand your ground men! We don't know how dangerous they are!" A man in the back shouted. No they didn't. A shot was fired but it was too late; I wasn't even there. The cop that had fired was on the ground, gripping his now broken wrist. More shots, more officers on the ground. My buddy was holding back; he wasn't exactly looking to hurt any civies.
"That one's super fast! We can't get a clear shot!" There was a signal from the back. They were all on the ground, all but one. I guess he was the chief. Lightning seemed to pulse from his body, might've been holding a taser. He drew his gun and fired madly as I approached him. I certainly couldn't touch his bullets but I didn't need to.
Everything slowed down to a stop. I guess the cops didn't pick up on the fact that we gained powers from what we were holding. My shoes didn't do anything, but my now useless watch was lying right by my feet now. Lightning is fast but light still follows the conceptual rules of time, so even that was frozen. I picked up the watch. As we gained these powers my *time* had been stopped.
The chief was down before my buddy could even think about lighting another cigarette.
| |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | There were 2 different kinds of people in this new world. The worthwhile and the worthless. On that day who was who truly showed itself.
In the Middle East, Chaos erupted. America's soldiers and ISIS's terrorists.killing each other in new ways unheard of just before the "event" men holding shields could generate shields at will like magic. While men holding syringes became the tip of the medic divisions spear.
Back on the Homefront the pharmaceutical industry went crazy, with pharmacists producing medicine at an alarming rate. People in physical therapy were instantly healed and made stronger. Production of clothing skyrocketed after all the seamstresses became able to move needles with there mind.
But me and my friends... we can sharpen pencils with our minds. And if you were lucky, you can make pens appear.
----------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading
Edit: I don't know why the formatting is so odd. Rip | While everyone was crazed about their new found super power, I avoided everyone. I glared at my classmate Ben, who was holding a computer at the time everyone was granted their super powers. He would always brag about how it easy it was now to pass his computer and math classes. It made me wish I was holding a water bottle or something so I could use my powers to short circuit him.
Ben looked at me, after laughing about some video he was mentally watching. "Hey... what has got you so bothered?"
"Nothing."
Sighing, he said, "If it is about the time I didn't help you cheat on the test I'm sorry. With great power comes great responsibility. I would rather try to help teach you the class material." He laughed, "I am so smart now that I don't even need to study myself anymore."
I turned away, "Just leave me alone."
Ben just didn't listen to me and kept pestering me. "Fine." He couldn't wait for more than a minute before saying, "Let's take your mind off things then, since you won't tell me what you are so bummed about."
I grumbled, "Ok."
"Show me what your super power is, and I will guess what you were holding at the time everyone got their powers!" He smiled. Ever since everyone got their power, he has been trying to figure out what my power was.
I believe he even went to the lengths of hacking all of my social media and my cell phone. I recall one moment when I saw that I liked a post I don't recall. I would never like any status from Denise because she is a bitch.
Ben was a nice guy, but you would never want to get on his bad side.
"No."
"Stop being so secretive! We have been friends forever! Are you hiding it from me because you think you're better than me or something?" He was getting angry, and frankly, it kind of scared me, even though I knew he would never hurt me.
I sighed. I held my palm faced up.
Ben almost couldn't contain his excitement.
A fresh folded toilet paper squared suddenly manifested from nothing. I dropped the toilet paper on the floor. It did nothing.
Ben was silent. His face seemed to be a little guilty now. He tried to make me feel better, "...Well you can...also levitate toilet paper too, right?"
I shook my head. "I tried." My shameful hands rested in my pockets. "I tried expanding my power, but all I managed was getting a some folded toilet paper... or crumpled toilet paper."
We were both silent.
Ben blurted, "Well that just sucks." | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | “November 16, 2016. The day will forever be known as the Great Change (“GC”). I wish we could just go back to how it was. When we were all just plain humans.
Nobody really understood what had happened. We felt nothing different, but within an instance we all looked different and could do superhuman things. 5:34 PM to be exact. The GC felt as natural as walking into your home, but the moment that you stepped through the door all of your furniture changed, the walls disappeared, and the roof was left floating on its own. It was jarring, scary and exciting, and it all happened in the blink of an eye.
There were no secret government projects that accidently went awry. God didn’t come down from wherever and tell us we were special and amazing and that he was finally going to reward us for all of the amazing progress we made. That was a joke by the way Kyle, no need to grimace at me. I know about WW2, I know about the genocides, I know about slavery, I know Trump was elected the year of the GC. All of us know humanity’s collective factual knowledge and history thanks to the Cognition Implants created by the Brainiacs. Sharing stories is still necessary though so we can broaden our horizons beyond logic, so stop looking so glum Kyle.
Anyway… I can’t say for sure that we lowly humans were not responsible for the GC, but a year has gone by and not a single person has taken credit for it. Even the super-genius Brainiacs can’t figure out how the GC happened. But then again, maybe nobody took credit because of how many of us disappeared. I know it’s a difficult topic, I lost my parents that day. I know many of you had people who were also holding nothing in their hands during the GC. What happened, happened however. Until one of the Brainiacs can create a time machine we will have to honor the Goners by celebrating their memory every year on GC Day. We can’t let sadness and anger stop us from moving forward as a species. You all know that.”
The sea of faces in front of me revealed a mixture of emotions, strong and empathetic, weak and sociopathic, all personal, their true depths meant to be hidden. However, every secret was laid bare for me because of my power. I felt all of them against my will within the span of a second. With my hand firmly pressed against the podium I counted down from five, clearing my mind before speaking again.
“Alright. Let’s get back on topic. I’m supposed to recount my life story for you all, and I intend to finish by 2:00 PM so we don’t have to drag this into another lecture.”
“Sir, there’s only five minutes left”, sung Cindy, the words were in perfect pitch and made my eyes water as euphoria tickled my brain. She must have been holding an mp3 player or a microphone during the GC, something along those lines. Singers weren't common amongst the populace. It was a great pleasure to have her in my class when she didn't abuse her powers.
“Come on Cindy, just let me continue and please refrain from using your powers to distract me.”
The class laughed, a few boys near her swooned uncontrollably. I continued after they quieted down.
“The day before the GC, I was laid off and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot. Not as much as the Smokees or the Greeners do now, but enough that I didn’t feel bad about where my life was heading. I had about a month left on my apartment’s lease, so I was going to take it easy and then find a job after I moved back in with my parents. I woke up late on the day of the GC, around 4:30 PM, spent the next hour rolling cigarillos and swinging back beers.”
An audible gasp could be heard in the room. The GC had many causalities aside from the Goners. Everyone knew about the monsters who looked like walking Marijuana plants, or had completely red eyes and a drunken drawl that you couldn't understand. Some people were cursed to constantly emit thick smoke from all of their orifices. Whenever I passed one in the streets I had to avoid looking at them, otherwise I would collapse from the pain and misery I felt coming from them. It’s funny, before the GC our society had a taboo on illegal drug use, some people even looked down on you for it. Now it's different, since some people are tied forever to the drug they were holding during the GC.
“Calm down, I know, I know, I thank my lucky stars every day that I was so miserable and drunk that I couldn’t keep indulging myself. As you all know, I wasn’t holding anything like that when the clock struck 5:34 PM. I had left my apartment to go visit my girlfriend. I met up with her just a minute before-“
The bell rang interrupting me before I could finish my story. Three students instantaneously disappeared. Another four looked like they disappeared, but were just moving so fast that you couldn’t see them leave the room. One student had a lion come pick her up. The whole lecture hall cleared out within 30 seconds. I had to sit down and hold myself to stop shaking. At the end of every lecture I was bombarded with so much excitement it felt like an adrenaline rush multiplied over a thousand times. I looked up and saw Cindy looking at me. She was the last one in the room.
“I know you will probably tell us on Thursday, but I’m curious, what were you holding Mr. Oltalk?” she asked, straining not to sing her question. I appreciated her restraint.
“Well, if you can’t wait I’ll tell you”, I said smiling, “I was holding my girlfriend’s hand”.
| Techs were the majority in the first world country those of us holding electronics, gaining impressive control over technology, adapting it, becoming the future. Then there were the Tradesmen, ones who had been working with tools. They gained impressive skill and creativity. Carving, painting, building. They built the foundations for the future. Doctors were clearly Doctors, using the tools of their trade when it happened. However, the more rare powers are the most grandiose. When the event happened, everyone gained powers based on what theyvwere holding. Some people held two objects, so they got blended powers.
In a few situations though, someone was holding things far more precious. Imagine the power one would gain, holding a still beating heart. Or holding someone's hand. Holding your loved ones. You would think that kind of power would be dark. Yet, no-one was using it so. Our world has entered a time of unity, where everyone is using their powers for the greater good. The few who act up, are taken swiftly down. I think the greatest factor that contributes to our peace are the militaries of the world. They are death incarnate, and we dare not anger them. | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | It turned out that the skills were transferable. Or, to be precise, that there was no difference between the skills at all.
At first, the cashiers of the world went wild. They, of minimum wage, had inherited the Earth - in the form of small change and dollar bills.
But the economy changes, when people can pull things out of thin air. This is especially so when you learn that your powers expand, into the *class* of things, as a whole.
So, the chefs all discovered, as they played with their powers, that it was more than the tuna, or truffle, or steak, or whatever else they’d been handling. It was food, glorious food, that they could categorically conjure.
The mothers (it was mostly mothers), who had been in the kitchen, soon learned about that too.
When wives, and friends, and neighbors could put bread on every table - why bother going on, with mundane work, at all?
And everyone played with their powers a little more. They got creative.
So, if you’d been loading the printer at work, and now you summoned a piece of paper, but thought it *big*, and felt the shape in your mind gain dimension, and plunged into the paper block and swam through the inchoate white, and tugged the nearly-thereness into the pant-barking *feel* of a dog -- well, you got a dog. A real, live dog.
Which meant that everyone could summon anything, and everything at all. It was just the process that differed. It was like meditation. Some people imagine candle-flames. Other people count breaths. Still others like to chant a single syllable as they sit. They’re just different ways to get to the same headspace, in the end.
And, just like meditation, you eventually got good enough to ditch the precursor, and go straight into summoning the dog.
If we could summon things - could we send things? Namely, ourselves? So, instead of calling matter *in*, we tried flowing ourselves *out*, and found that we could, indeed, pour into that sideways space where anything could be molded, and gather our beings and atoms into wherever it was we wanted.
And then we found that it was more than *wherever*, we could emerge as *whatever* else we wanted, too.
At every step, we thought that we had discovered the true measure of our powers, and at every step we realized that there was yet more to be had.
Finally, we transcended.
If you stayed in the in-between, and stretched your eyes and nerves amorphous, and let your mind expand and hover in this psychic-atom playpen, you started to drift, and spread, and scatter, in the most pleasurable manner - until the body dropped away, and you were left with limitless self, and suddenly you were rushing through every atom in existence, every second in time, every *is*, *was*, or *would be*, then you understood, at last, that you were universe, and always had been.
So now we fly between the stars, and through the folds of space and time, and drop sometimes, into points, when we feel like being *single* - becoming, perhaps, a Volek K’tor, with a great martial fleet, or a toddler on a swing on a shining summer day. Then, we fly out again, laughing, and cosmic in our embrace.
But we have been thinking, lately.
If, when we were human, we could summon human things - could it be, that now, as universe, we could birth universe at will?
So we breathe across the span of our infinite domain, and sink into this breath, everywhere, at once, and we hold the quarks and quasars in the not-yet-might-be’s of random space, and pull, and form, and push, and *ah~*
*we can -*
*we can -*
*we can - explode again, forever, in a multitude of bangs, this moment, eternal, that sings out without end.*
| Techs were the majority in the first world country those of us holding electronics, gaining impressive control over technology, adapting it, becoming the future. Then there were the Tradesmen, ones who had been working with tools. They gained impressive skill and creativity. Carving, painting, building. They built the foundations for the future. Doctors were clearly Doctors, using the tools of their trade when it happened. However, the more rare powers are the most grandiose. When the event happened, everyone gained powers based on what theyvwere holding. Some people held two objects, so they got blended powers.
In a few situations though, someone was holding things far more precious. Imagine the power one would gain, holding a still beating heart. Or holding someone's hand. Holding your loved ones. You would think that kind of power would be dark. Yet, no-one was using it so. Our world has entered a time of unity, where everyone is using their powers for the greater good. The few who act up, are taken swiftly down. I think the greatest factor that contributes to our peace are the militaries of the world. They are death incarnate, and we dare not anger them. | |
[WP] Everyone around the world gains superpowers depending on what they were holding at the moment. | It turned out that the skills were transferable. Or, to be precise, that there was no difference between the skills at all.
At first, the cashiers of the world went wild. They, of minimum wage, had inherited the Earth - in the form of small change and dollar bills.
But the economy changes, when people can pull things out of thin air. This is especially so when you learn that your powers expand, into the *class* of things, as a whole.
So, the chefs all discovered, as they played with their powers, that it was more than the tuna, or truffle, or steak, or whatever else they’d been handling. It was food, glorious food, that they could categorically conjure.
The mothers (it was mostly mothers), who had been in the kitchen, soon learned about that too.
When wives, and friends, and neighbors could put bread on every table - why bother going on, with mundane work, at all?
And everyone played with their powers a little more. They got creative.
So, if you’d been loading the printer at work, and now you summoned a piece of paper, but thought it *big*, and felt the shape in your mind gain dimension, and plunged into the paper block and swam through the inchoate white, and tugged the nearly-thereness into the pant-barking *feel* of a dog -- well, you got a dog. A real, live dog.
Which meant that everyone could summon anything, and everything at all. It was just the process that differed. It was like meditation. Some people imagine candle-flames. Other people count breaths. Still others like to chant a single syllable as they sit. They’re just different ways to get to the same headspace, in the end.
And, just like meditation, you eventually got good enough to ditch the precursor, and go straight into summoning the dog.
If we could summon things - could we send things? Namely, ourselves? So, instead of calling matter *in*, we tried flowing ourselves *out*, and found that we could, indeed, pour into that sideways space where anything could be molded, and gather our beings and atoms into wherever it was we wanted.
And then we found that it was more than *wherever*, we could emerge as *whatever* else we wanted, too.
At every step, we thought that we had discovered the true measure of our powers, and at every step we realized that there was yet more to be had.
Finally, we transcended.
If you stayed in the in-between, and stretched your eyes and nerves amorphous, and let your mind expand and hover in this psychic-atom playpen, you started to drift, and spread, and scatter, in the most pleasurable manner - until the body dropped away, and you were left with limitless self, and suddenly you were rushing through every atom in existence, every second in time, every *is*, *was*, or *would be*, then you understood, at last, that you were universe, and always had been.
So now we fly between the stars, and through the folds of space and time, and drop sometimes, into points, when we feel like being *single* - becoming, perhaps, a Volek K’tor, with a great martial fleet, or a toddler on a swing on a shining summer day. Then, we fly out again, laughing, and cosmic in our embrace.
But we have been thinking, lately.
If, when we were human, we could summon human things - could it be, that now, as universe, we could birth universe at will?
So we breathe across the span of our infinite domain, and sink into this breath, everywhere, at once, and we hold the quarks and quasars in the not-yet-might-be’s of random space, and pull, and form, and push, and *ah~*
*we can -*
*we can -*
*we can - explode again, forever, in a multitude of bangs, this moment, eternal, that sings out without end.*
| “November 16, 2016. The day will forever be known as the Great Change (“GC”). I wish we could just go back to how it was. When we were all just plain humans.
Nobody really understood what had happened. We felt nothing different, but within an instance we all looked different and could do superhuman things. 5:34 PM to be exact. The GC felt as natural as walking into your home, but the moment that you stepped through the door all of your furniture changed, the walls disappeared, and the roof was left floating on its own. It was jarring, scary and exciting, and it all happened in the blink of an eye.
There were no secret government projects that accidently went awry. God didn’t come down from wherever and tell us we were special and amazing and that he was finally going to reward us for all of the amazing progress we made. That was a joke by the way Kyle, no need to grimace at me. I know about WW2, I know about the genocides, I know about slavery, I know Trump was elected the year of the GC. All of us know humanity’s collective factual knowledge and history thanks to the Cognition Implants created by the Brainiacs. Sharing stories is still necessary though so we can broaden our horizons beyond logic, so stop looking so glum Kyle.
Anyway… I can’t say for sure that we lowly humans were not responsible for the GC, but a year has gone by and not a single person has taken credit for it. Even the super-genius Brainiacs can’t figure out how the GC happened. But then again, maybe nobody took credit because of how many of us disappeared. I know it’s a difficult topic, I lost my parents that day. I know many of you had people who were also holding nothing in their hands during the GC. What happened, happened however. Until one of the Brainiacs can create a time machine we will have to honor the Goners by celebrating their memory every year on GC Day. We can’t let sadness and anger stop us from moving forward as a species. You all know that.”
The sea of faces in front of me revealed a mixture of emotions, strong and empathetic, weak and sociopathic, all personal, their true depths meant to be hidden. However, every secret was laid bare for me because of my power. I felt all of them against my will within the span of a second. With my hand firmly pressed against the podium I counted down from five, clearing my mind before speaking again.
“Alright. Let’s get back on topic. I’m supposed to recount my life story for you all, and I intend to finish by 2:00 PM so we don’t have to drag this into another lecture.”
“Sir, there’s only five minutes left”, sung Cindy, the words were in perfect pitch and made my eyes water as euphoria tickled my brain. She must have been holding an mp3 player or a microphone during the GC, something along those lines. Singers weren't common amongst the populace. It was a great pleasure to have her in my class when she didn't abuse her powers.
“Come on Cindy, just let me continue and please refrain from using your powers to distract me.”
The class laughed, a few boys near her swooned uncontrollably. I continued after they quieted down.
“The day before the GC, I was laid off and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot. Not as much as the Smokees or the Greeners do now, but enough that I didn’t feel bad about where my life was heading. I had about a month left on my apartment’s lease, so I was going to take it easy and then find a job after I moved back in with my parents. I woke up late on the day of the GC, around 4:30 PM, spent the next hour rolling cigarillos and swinging back beers.”
An audible gasp could be heard in the room. The GC had many causalities aside from the Goners. Everyone knew about the monsters who looked like walking Marijuana plants, or had completely red eyes and a drunken drawl that you couldn't understand. Some people were cursed to constantly emit thick smoke from all of their orifices. Whenever I passed one in the streets I had to avoid looking at them, otherwise I would collapse from the pain and misery I felt coming from them. It’s funny, before the GC our society had a taboo on illegal drug use, some people even looked down on you for it. Now it's different, since some people are tied forever to the drug they were holding during the GC.
“Calm down, I know, I know, I thank my lucky stars every day that I was so miserable and drunk that I couldn’t keep indulging myself. As you all know, I wasn’t holding anything like that when the clock struck 5:34 PM. I had left my apartment to go visit my girlfriend. I met up with her just a minute before-“
The bell rang interrupting me before I could finish my story. Three students instantaneously disappeared. Another four looked like they disappeared, but were just moving so fast that you couldn’t see them leave the room. One student had a lion come pick her up. The whole lecture hall cleared out within 30 seconds. I had to sit down and hold myself to stop shaking. At the end of every lecture I was bombarded with so much excitement it felt like an adrenaline rush multiplied over a thousand times. I looked up and saw Cindy looking at me. She was the last one in the room.
“I know you will probably tell us on Thursday, but I’m curious, what were you holding Mr. Oltalk?” she asked, straining not to sing her question. I appreciated her restraint.
“Well, if you can’t wait I’ll tell you”, I said smiling, “I was holding my girlfriend’s hand”.
| |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | I'm a 24 year old law school student. I did something incredibly stupid when I was younger - I sold my soul to the devil.
Now, I realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding.
Unfortunately, by "when I was younger" I meant "five minutes ago", so that doesn't help me at all. FML & my afterlife.
Although, if I study really hard and become a lawyer, I won't have a soul for him to collect, soooooo CHECKMATE LUCIFER!!!! |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | I'm a 24 year old law school student. I did something incredibly stupid when I was younger - I sold my soul to the devil.
Now, I realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding.
Unfortunately, by "when I was younger" I meant "five minutes ago", so that doesn't help me at all. FML & my afterlife.
Although, if I study really hard and become a lawyer, I won't have a soul for him to collect, soooooo CHECKMATE LUCIFER!!!! |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | It had been 2 years. 2 agonizingly long years of trying to contact Him. Abigail had succeeded the first time she'd tried, back in 2011. He'd appeared to her, a devilishly handsome man bedecked in a suave red suit.
She made a deal with the Devil, to get a job that would pay for her mother's hospital bills. Boy, had the Devil tricked her. She'd gotten the job alright - fast tracked her way into success. But now her mother was dead and she couldn't keep a steady job anymore.
Then one early Saturday morning in November, He came again. "Mary, Mary, we meet again," he said smoothly, giving her a grin that could make a pastor's daughter sin.
Mary steeled herself for what she needed to say, giving a deep breath. "Our contract... The one we made when I was 17? I want to take it back." She said this all in one breath, closing her eyes and readying herself.
"Of *course* you do, you're what? A lawyer for two and a half years? I fast-tracked you. You were already a genius - smart, second year of college, when I got to you."
Nothing he said was a lie, and that's what made her mad. She could have gotten where she was now by herself - and maybe her mother wouldn't be six feet under where they now stood. But she was desperate. Saddled with debt.
"Anyway, did you *really* think that I, Lucifer, could be fought with the laws of *man*, Mary?"
His shadow grew big, a hulking figure with horns and a bulbous tail, but all Mary could see were his eyes. "Fine, you get your wish. The contract is over with. I now do not have to abide by those *oh so strict* rules."
...
Three hours later, a couple walked by what appeared to be an animalistic mauling. It was all in the newspaper: Genius Brutally Mauled by Unknown Animals. | I'm a 24 year old law school student. I did something incredibly stupid when I was younger - I sold my soul to the devil.
Now, I realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding.
Unfortunately, by "when I was younger" I meant "five minutes ago", so that doesn't help me at all. FML & my afterlife.
Although, if I study really hard and become a lawyer, I won't have a soul for him to collect, soooooo CHECKMATE LUCIFER!!!! |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | The ground beneath me rumbled in fury. The glass of water at the end of my table crashed to floor, breaking into dozens of tiny shards. I looked over at my roommate, but I already knew she couldn’t feel any of it. This was just for me. At the foot of my bed, a dark shape was beginning to take form. I watched it with tired eyes as I slowly stood up to greet it. And Suddenly, there he was, back in the form that I first met him in. He was dressed in ripped jeans and a plain red sweater. His bare feet left scorch marks on the floor wherever he stepped. I would worry about cleaning that up later. Right now, I had business to take care of.
“Hello Candice,” He said with a twisted smile. His voice was musical, soothing the first time I heard it, but now I could hear the malice behind it. That slight screech, like when a violinist accidentally scrapes the strings too hard.
“Hello,” I replied, keeping my face straight. I had to show him I wasn’t afraid.
“Do you know why I am here?” I nodded calmly.
“You’re here to collect.” The Devil smiled warmly and holds out his hand in offering.
“Shall we then?”
“No.” His smile never faltered, but his outstretched hand crumpled into a fist.
“No?”
“The original agreement between us was made when I was only 13 years old, a minor. Therefore, legally speaking, it is not a valid contract.” His smile began to curl into a snarl. “You have no claim to my soul.”
“You’ve gotten so clever over the past ten years, haven’t you?” I said nothing, not wanting to give him anything that could turn the odds back in his favour. “Your claim is that I have no right to your soul because the contract is invalid. Correct?” I nodded, cautiously. “Then I’m afraid the entire contract is invalid. I’ll have to take back what I gave you.” His eyes lit up, thinking he had won.
“I thought you might say that,” I said as I reached over to my desk. I picked up a small stack of paper and handed it to him. “This is my new proposal.” I waited patiently while his eyes skimmed through the document. His one eyebrow raised in curiosity. When he finished reading, he raised his eyes to mine, looking excited. “Agreed?” I asked holding my hand out. His sly smile crawled back across his lips as he took my hand in his.
“See you in ten years.” We shook hands, and just like that, he was gone. I crawled back into bed, already feeling the world shift with our new deal taking place. I smiled to myself as I crawled back in bed. Ten years was all I needed.
| I'm a 24 year old law school student. I did something incredibly stupid when I was younger - I sold my soul to the devil.
Now, I realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding.
Unfortunately, by "when I was younger" I meant "five minutes ago", so that doesn't help me at all. FML & my afterlife.
Although, if I study really hard and become a lawyer, I won't have a soul for him to collect, soooooo CHECKMATE LUCIFER!!!! |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | I'm a 24 year old law school student. I did something incredibly stupid when I was younger - I sold my soul to the devil.
Now, I realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding.
Unfortunately, by "when I was younger" I meant "five minutes ago", so that doesn't help me at all. FML & my afterlife.
Although, if I study really hard and become a lawyer, I won't have a soul for him to collect, soooooo CHECKMATE LUCIFER!!!! |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "What, really?" The Devil hurled down his newspaper and stared angrily at me.
"Yup, look here." I threw back at him.
He picked up his glasses, fumbling them as he tried to position them on his face. I passed him the contract, perfectly preserved from the moment I signed it back on that day, many many moons ago. Not a single crease or fold on the page. However, I'd lightly underlined the most important line with a pencil, so he could see it better.
He took his time, carefully reading it multiple times to make sure he could believe his own two eyes.
After a long pause, he carefully folded the page into the shape of a paper aeroplane, and threw it back at me. It sailed across the room gracefully, and landed neatly in my lap.
He sat there, hands clasped together, staring into space, for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, he spoke up.
"Fine. Whatever you ask. You damn people in the legal profession. You're worse than the devil himself..."
With a slight smirk on his face, he paced over to the door and opened it.
"You'll be hearing from me soon."
He beckoned me out, and I walked down the corridor in Devil Tower wondering to myself what would happen next.
A few weeks later, when I got back from work, there was a letter waiting for me at home.
'From the office of The Devil' was written in Comic Sans on the envelope.
Inside was a short paragraph;
"To TheSamR,
The office of The Devil has processed your claim, and has enclosed your soul in this envelope.
Kind Regards
The office of The Devil"
Inside the envelope was a small vial containing a brown liquid. The instructions which went with the vial stated "Take all of the contents at once and with water. Your soul will have returned within 24 hours"
I undid the cap, and tipped the contents into the glass of water I'd prepared. With one deep breath, I drank the water... |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "What, really?" The Devil hurled down his newspaper and stared angrily at me.
"Yup, look here." I threw back at him.
He picked up his glasses, fumbling them as he tried to position them on his face. I passed him the contract, perfectly preserved from the moment I signed it back on that day, many many moons ago. Not a single crease or fold on the page. However, I'd lightly underlined the most important line with a pencil, so he could see it better.
He took his time, carefully reading it multiple times to make sure he could believe his own two eyes.
After a long pause, he carefully folded the page into the shape of a paper aeroplane, and threw it back at me. It sailed across the room gracefully, and landed neatly in my lap.
He sat there, hands clasped together, staring into space, for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, he spoke up.
"Fine. Whatever you ask. You damn people in the legal profession. You're worse than the devil himself..."
With a slight smirk on his face, he paced over to the door and opened it.
"You'll be hearing from me soon."
He beckoned me out, and I walked down the corridor in Devil Tower wondering to myself what would happen next.
A few weeks later, when I got back from work, there was a letter waiting for me at home.
'From the office of The Devil' was written in Comic Sans on the envelope.
Inside was a short paragraph;
"To TheSamR,
The office of The Devil has processed your claim, and has enclosed your soul in this envelope.
Kind Regards
The office of The Devil"
Inside the envelope was a small vial containing a brown liquid. The instructions which went with the vial stated "Take all of the contents at once and with water. Your soul will have returned within 24 hours"
I undid the cap, and tipped the contents into the glass of water I'd prepared. With one deep breath, I drank the water... |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | It had been 2 years. 2 agonizingly long years of trying to contact Him. Abigail had succeeded the first time she'd tried, back in 2011. He'd appeared to her, a devilishly handsome man bedecked in a suave red suit.
She made a deal with the Devil, to get a job that would pay for her mother's hospital bills. Boy, had the Devil tricked her. She'd gotten the job alright - fast tracked her way into success. But now her mother was dead and she couldn't keep a steady job anymore.
Then one early Saturday morning in November, He came again. "Mary, Mary, we meet again," he said smoothly, giving her a grin that could make a pastor's daughter sin.
Mary steeled herself for what she needed to say, giving a deep breath. "Our contract... The one we made when I was 17? I want to take it back." She said this all in one breath, closing her eyes and readying herself.
"Of *course* you do, you're what? A lawyer for two and a half years? I fast-tracked you. You were already a genius - smart, second year of college, when I got to you."
Nothing he said was a lie, and that's what made her mad. She could have gotten where she was now by herself - and maybe her mother wouldn't be six feet under where they now stood. But she was desperate. Saddled with debt.
"Anyway, did you *really* think that I, Lucifer, could be fought with the laws of *man*, Mary?"
His shadow grew big, a hulking figure with horns and a bulbous tail, but all Mary could see were his eyes. "Fine, you get your wish. The contract is over with. I now do not have to abide by those *oh so strict* rules."
...
Three hours later, a couple walked by what appeared to be an animalistic mauling. It was all in the newspaper: Genius Brutally Mauled by Unknown Animals. | "What, really?" The Devil hurled down his newspaper and stared angrily at me.
"Yup, look here." I threw back at him.
He picked up his glasses, fumbling them as he tried to position them on his face. I passed him the contract, perfectly preserved from the moment I signed it back on that day, many many moons ago. Not a single crease or fold on the page. However, I'd lightly underlined the most important line with a pencil, so he could see it better.
He took his time, carefully reading it multiple times to make sure he could believe his own two eyes.
After a long pause, he carefully folded the page into the shape of a paper aeroplane, and threw it back at me. It sailed across the room gracefully, and landed neatly in my lap.
He sat there, hands clasped together, staring into space, for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, he spoke up.
"Fine. Whatever you ask. You damn people in the legal profession. You're worse than the devil himself..."
With a slight smirk on his face, he paced over to the door and opened it.
"You'll be hearing from me soon."
He beckoned me out, and I walked down the corridor in Devil Tower wondering to myself what would happen next.
A few weeks later, when I got back from work, there was a letter waiting for me at home.
'From the office of The Devil' was written in Comic Sans on the envelope.
Inside was a short paragraph;
"To TheSamR,
The office of The Devil has processed your claim, and has enclosed your soul in this envelope.
Kind Regards
The office of The Devil"
Inside the envelope was a small vial containing a brown liquid. The instructions which went with the vial stated "Take all of the contents at once and with water. Your soul will have returned within 24 hours"
I undid the cap, and tipped the contents into the glass of water I'd prepared. With one deep breath, I drank the water... |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | The ground beneath me rumbled in fury. The glass of water at the end of my table crashed to floor, breaking into dozens of tiny shards. I looked over at my roommate, but I already knew she couldn’t feel any of it. This was just for me. At the foot of my bed, a dark shape was beginning to take form. I watched it with tired eyes as I slowly stood up to greet it. And Suddenly, there he was, back in the form that I first met him in. He was dressed in ripped jeans and a plain red sweater. His bare feet left scorch marks on the floor wherever he stepped. I would worry about cleaning that up later. Right now, I had business to take care of.
“Hello Candice,” He said with a twisted smile. His voice was musical, soothing the first time I heard it, but now I could hear the malice behind it. That slight screech, like when a violinist accidentally scrapes the strings too hard.
“Hello,” I replied, keeping my face straight. I had to show him I wasn’t afraid.
“Do you know why I am here?” I nodded calmly.
“You’re here to collect.” The Devil smiled warmly and holds out his hand in offering.
“Shall we then?”
“No.” His smile never faltered, but his outstretched hand crumpled into a fist.
“No?”
“The original agreement between us was made when I was only 13 years old, a minor. Therefore, legally speaking, it is not a valid contract.” His smile began to curl into a snarl. “You have no claim to my soul.”
“You’ve gotten so clever over the past ten years, haven’t you?” I said nothing, not wanting to give him anything that could turn the odds back in his favour. “Your claim is that I have no right to your soul because the contract is invalid. Correct?” I nodded, cautiously. “Then I’m afraid the entire contract is invalid. I’ll have to take back what I gave you.” His eyes lit up, thinking he had won.
“I thought you might say that,” I said as I reached over to my desk. I picked up a small stack of paper and handed it to him. “This is my new proposal.” I waited patiently while his eyes skimmed through the document. His one eyebrow raised in curiosity. When he finished reading, he raised his eyes to mine, looking excited. “Agreed?” I asked holding my hand out. His sly smile crawled back across his lips as he took my hand in his.
“See you in ten years.” We shook hands, and just like that, he was gone. I crawled back into bed, already feeling the world shift with our new deal taking place. I smiled to myself as I crawled back in bed. Ten years was all I needed.
| "What, really?" The Devil hurled down his newspaper and stared angrily at me.
"Yup, look here." I threw back at him.
He picked up his glasses, fumbling them as he tried to position them on his face. I passed him the contract, perfectly preserved from the moment I signed it back on that day, many many moons ago. Not a single crease or fold on the page. However, I'd lightly underlined the most important line with a pencil, so he could see it better.
He took his time, carefully reading it multiple times to make sure he could believe his own two eyes.
After a long pause, he carefully folded the page into the shape of a paper aeroplane, and threw it back at me. It sailed across the room gracefully, and landed neatly in my lap.
He sat there, hands clasped together, staring into space, for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, he spoke up.
"Fine. Whatever you ask. You damn people in the legal profession. You're worse than the devil himself..."
With a slight smirk on his face, he paced over to the door and opened it.
"You'll be hearing from me soon."
He beckoned me out, and I walked down the corridor in Devil Tower wondering to myself what would happen next.
A few weeks later, when I got back from work, there was a letter waiting for me at home.
'From the office of The Devil' was written in Comic Sans on the envelope.
Inside was a short paragraph;
"To TheSamR,
The office of The Devil has processed your claim, and has enclosed your soul in this envelope.
Kind Regards
The office of The Devil"
Inside the envelope was a small vial containing a brown liquid. The instructions which went with the vial stated "Take all of the contents at once and with water. Your soul will have returned within 24 hours"
I undid the cap, and tipped the contents into the glass of water I'd prepared. With one deep breath, I drank the water... |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "What, really?" The Devil hurled down his newspaper and stared angrily at me.
"Yup, look here." I threw back at him.
He picked up his glasses, fumbling them as he tried to position them on his face. I passed him the contract, perfectly preserved from the moment I signed it back on that day, many many moons ago. Not a single crease or fold on the page. However, I'd lightly underlined the most important line with a pencil, so he could see it better.
He took his time, carefully reading it multiple times to make sure he could believe his own two eyes.
After a long pause, he carefully folded the page into the shape of a paper aeroplane, and threw it back at me. It sailed across the room gracefully, and landed neatly in my lap.
He sat there, hands clasped together, staring into space, for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, he spoke up.
"Fine. Whatever you ask. You damn people in the legal profession. You're worse than the devil himself..."
With a slight smirk on his face, he paced over to the door and opened it.
"You'll be hearing from me soon."
He beckoned me out, and I walked down the corridor in Devil Tower wondering to myself what would happen next.
A few weeks later, when I got back from work, there was a letter waiting for me at home.
'From the office of The Devil' was written in Comic Sans on the envelope.
Inside was a short paragraph;
"To TheSamR,
The office of The Devil has processed your claim, and has enclosed your soul in this envelope.
Kind Regards
The office of The Devil"
Inside the envelope was a small vial containing a brown liquid. The instructions which went with the vial stated "Take all of the contents at once and with water. Your soul will have returned within 24 hours"
I undid the cap, and tipped the contents into the glass of water I'd prepared. With one deep breath, I drank the water... |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "I don't know why I ever married you!" screamed Maria, slamming the door as she went.
I only rolled my eyes and looked back at the television. This kind of argument happened at least twice a week but she always came back eventually, doe-eyed and begging to get back together. I always agreed to it, of course. She was the love of my life.
I can still remember that day, all those years ago, when she'd first asked to marry me. We were young - too young, some said - but she proposed. When you're young and in love, nothing like that seems to matter. To me, it was a dream come true. This beautiful, nice, kind young girl who I'd crushed on for years had approached me one day, clutched my hand and kissed me. We were an official couple by that evening, to the shock of her peers and were married within six months. Even her parents didn't seem to mind.
Three rapid knocks on the door. I ignored them.
In fairness, I do have to give one man some credit. (I didn't attract her through my winning looks and personality alone). The Father of Lies had appeared in my room on one of my darker nights, when it seemed as if the walls were closing in and I was alone.
"Son, you want to be happy?" he'd whispered. I could only nod, tears staining my cheeks. At the time, I thought it was another one of my demons, coming to scare me like they had through most of my adolescence. But this one seemed more solid. I never saw his face - only the silhouette.
The knocking came again, three rapid knocks. It was probably her.
"How about the love of your life, son? Maria could love you until the day you die, if you wanted. I'm just going to need you to do something for me" continued the shadowy figure. "W-what...?" I croaked, my pubescent voice cracking. "Your soul. You can have it all, if you'd stay me when you pass on" replied the Devil.
He thought he was some kind of genie. I knew perfectly well what I was getting into. Any contract signed by me couldn't be legally binding and upon taking law in college a couple of years later, I'd become more comfortable. So here I was, perfectly sane and with an obedient, loving wife. I didn't fear death - as far as I was concerned, the contract was to be null and void at the time of my death.
I was just a kid when I'd signed it, after all. Not even fully grown. Even if God didn't exist, rules had to count for something to the Devil, right?
The knocking began again but it didn't stop at three. It continued, becoming an irritating noise that soon enveloped any noise coming from the television."Bloody hell, Maria, hold your horses!" I roared, loosening my tie as I half stumbled to the door. We were about to have one of our "make-up" sessions.
She would apologise profusely for whatever it was we were arguing about, I'd pretend not to care, she'd beg and then I'd relent. We'd then have a lovely week, in which she made me lunches for work, told me constantly how much she loved me, more silly shit like that. I got to fuck her. That was how it was and how I liked it.
Then, she'd get angry for no reason or I'd lose my temper, we'd argue and she'd walk out, screaming abuse. It hadn't always been like that. In our early years, she'd never argued. She'd always done as she was told, always looked after me. These arguments were a recent occurance, having only begun about a year ago. I could only suppress my excited grin as I approached the door. I was getting laid tonight, no doubt.
As soon as my hand brushed the handle, it swung open, revealing my loving wife and a man at her side. He was completely plain, an everyday man not worth looking at twice. He had a reassuring hand on my wives shoulder, the cheeky bastard.
"Oi, what are you playing at?" I gasped as my lovely Maria plunged a knife into my chest. The man stepped forward as I fell to the ground and caught me by the shoulder before I fell.
"Come now, son, you think you can use bullshit loopholes to get out of your duties?" spoke the Devil softly, his hand still on my shoulder. "You abuse the wife I gave you, the sanity I gave you and then have the audacity to think you can weasel out of it?"
I was gasping for breath, my hand closing around the bloody knife wound. "I w-was just a k-kid" I winced with pain.
"You humans truly disgust me" said the Devil, letting go of my shoulder and allowing me to fall to the ground. But it didn't end there. I fell through the ground, through the carpet, through the Earths crust and as I did, the millions of schizophrenic demons dispelled by the Devils witchcraft screamed in my ear at once.
It was only when I felt my body beginning to separate did the pain stop. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "I don't know why I ever married you!" screamed Maria, slamming the door as she went.
I only rolled my eyes and looked back at the television. This kind of argument happened at least twice a week but she always came back eventually, doe-eyed and begging to get back together. I always agreed to it, of course. She was the love of my life.
I can still remember that day, all those years ago, when she'd first asked to marry me. We were young - too young, some said - but she proposed. When you're young and in love, nothing like that seems to matter. To me, it was a dream come true. This beautiful, nice, kind young girl who I'd crushed on for years had approached me one day, clutched my hand and kissed me. We were an official couple by that evening, to the shock of her peers and were married within six months. Even her parents didn't seem to mind.
Three rapid knocks on the door. I ignored them.
In fairness, I do have to give one man some credit. (I didn't attract her through my winning looks and personality alone). The Father of Lies had appeared in my room on one of my darker nights, when it seemed as if the walls were closing in and I was alone.
"Son, you want to be happy?" he'd whispered. I could only nod, tears staining my cheeks. At the time, I thought it was another one of my demons, coming to scare me like they had through most of my adolescence. But this one seemed more solid. I never saw his face - only the silhouette.
The knocking came again, three rapid knocks. It was probably her.
"How about the love of your life, son? Maria could love you until the day you die, if you wanted. I'm just going to need you to do something for me" continued the shadowy figure. "W-what...?" I croaked, my pubescent voice cracking. "Your soul. You can have it all, if you'd stay me when you pass on" replied the Devil.
He thought he was some kind of genie. I knew perfectly well what I was getting into. Any contract signed by me couldn't be legally binding and upon taking law in college a couple of years later, I'd become more comfortable. So here I was, perfectly sane and with an obedient, loving wife. I didn't fear death - as far as I was concerned, the contract was to be null and void at the time of my death.
I was just a kid when I'd signed it, after all. Not even fully grown. Even if God didn't exist, rules had to count for something to the Devil, right?
The knocking began again but it didn't stop at three. It continued, becoming an irritating noise that soon enveloped any noise coming from the television."Bloody hell, Maria, hold your horses!" I roared, loosening my tie as I half stumbled to the door. We were about to have one of our "make-up" sessions.
She would apologise profusely for whatever it was we were arguing about, I'd pretend not to care, she'd beg and then I'd relent. We'd then have a lovely week, in which she made me lunches for work, told me constantly how much she loved me, more silly shit like that. I got to fuck her. That was how it was and how I liked it.
Then, she'd get angry for no reason or I'd lose my temper, we'd argue and she'd walk out, screaming abuse. It hadn't always been like that. In our early years, she'd never argued. She'd always done as she was told, always looked after me. These arguments were a recent occurance, having only begun about a year ago. I could only suppress my excited grin as I approached the door. I was getting laid tonight, no doubt.
As soon as my hand brushed the handle, it swung open, revealing my loving wife and a man at her side. He was completely plain, an everyday man not worth looking at twice. He had a reassuring hand on my wives shoulder, the cheeky bastard.
"Oi, what are you playing at?" I gasped as my lovely Maria plunged a knife into my chest. The man stepped forward as I fell to the ground and caught me by the shoulder before I fell.
"Come now, son, you think you can use bullshit loopholes to get out of your duties?" spoke the Devil softly, his hand still on my shoulder. "You abuse the wife I gave you, the sanity I gave you and then have the audacity to think you can weasel out of it?"
I was gasping for breath, my hand closing around the bloody knife wound. "I w-was just a k-kid" I winced with pain.
"You humans truly disgust me" said the Devil, letting go of my shoulder and allowing me to fall to the ground. But it didn't end there. I fell through the ground, through the carpet, through the Earths crust and as I did, the millions of schizophrenic demons dispelled by the Devils witchcraft screamed in my ear at once.
It was only when I felt my body beginning to separate did the pain stop. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | It had been 2 years. 2 agonizingly long years of trying to contact Him. Abigail had succeeded the first time she'd tried, back in 2011. He'd appeared to her, a devilishly handsome man bedecked in a suave red suit.
She made a deal with the Devil, to get a job that would pay for her mother's hospital bills. Boy, had the Devil tricked her. She'd gotten the job alright - fast tracked her way into success. But now her mother was dead and she couldn't keep a steady job anymore.
Then one early Saturday morning in November, He came again. "Mary, Mary, we meet again," he said smoothly, giving her a grin that could make a pastor's daughter sin.
Mary steeled herself for what she needed to say, giving a deep breath. "Our contract... The one we made when I was 17? I want to take it back." She said this all in one breath, closing her eyes and readying herself.
"Of *course* you do, you're what? A lawyer for two and a half years? I fast-tracked you. You were already a genius - smart, second year of college, when I got to you."
Nothing he said was a lie, and that's what made her mad. She could have gotten where she was now by herself - and maybe her mother wouldn't be six feet under where they now stood. But she was desperate. Saddled with debt.
"Anyway, did you *really* think that I, Lucifer, could be fought with the laws of *man*, Mary?"
His shadow grew big, a hulking figure with horns and a bulbous tail, but all Mary could see were his eyes. "Fine, you get your wish. The contract is over with. I now do not have to abide by those *oh so strict* rules."
...
Three hours later, a couple walked by what appeared to be an animalistic mauling. It was all in the newspaper: Genius Brutally Mauled by Unknown Animals. | "I don't know why I ever married you!" screamed Maria, slamming the door as she went.
I only rolled my eyes and looked back at the television. This kind of argument happened at least twice a week but she always came back eventually, doe-eyed and begging to get back together. I always agreed to it, of course. She was the love of my life.
I can still remember that day, all those years ago, when she'd first asked to marry me. We were young - too young, some said - but she proposed. When you're young and in love, nothing like that seems to matter. To me, it was a dream come true. This beautiful, nice, kind young girl who I'd crushed on for years had approached me one day, clutched my hand and kissed me. We were an official couple by that evening, to the shock of her peers and were married within six months. Even her parents didn't seem to mind.
Three rapid knocks on the door. I ignored them.
In fairness, I do have to give one man some credit. (I didn't attract her through my winning looks and personality alone). The Father of Lies had appeared in my room on one of my darker nights, when it seemed as if the walls were closing in and I was alone.
"Son, you want to be happy?" he'd whispered. I could only nod, tears staining my cheeks. At the time, I thought it was another one of my demons, coming to scare me like they had through most of my adolescence. But this one seemed more solid. I never saw his face - only the silhouette.
The knocking came again, three rapid knocks. It was probably her.
"How about the love of your life, son? Maria could love you until the day you die, if you wanted. I'm just going to need you to do something for me" continued the shadowy figure. "W-what...?" I croaked, my pubescent voice cracking. "Your soul. You can have it all, if you'd stay me when you pass on" replied the Devil.
He thought he was some kind of genie. I knew perfectly well what I was getting into. Any contract signed by me couldn't be legally binding and upon taking law in college a couple of years later, I'd become more comfortable. So here I was, perfectly sane and with an obedient, loving wife. I didn't fear death - as far as I was concerned, the contract was to be null and void at the time of my death.
I was just a kid when I'd signed it, after all. Not even fully grown. Even if God didn't exist, rules had to count for something to the Devil, right?
The knocking began again but it didn't stop at three. It continued, becoming an irritating noise that soon enveloped any noise coming from the television."Bloody hell, Maria, hold your horses!" I roared, loosening my tie as I half stumbled to the door. We were about to have one of our "make-up" sessions.
She would apologise profusely for whatever it was we were arguing about, I'd pretend not to care, she'd beg and then I'd relent. We'd then have a lovely week, in which she made me lunches for work, told me constantly how much she loved me, more silly shit like that. I got to fuck her. That was how it was and how I liked it.
Then, she'd get angry for no reason or I'd lose my temper, we'd argue and she'd walk out, screaming abuse. It hadn't always been like that. In our early years, she'd never argued. She'd always done as she was told, always looked after me. These arguments were a recent occurance, having only begun about a year ago. I could only suppress my excited grin as I approached the door. I was getting laid tonight, no doubt.
As soon as my hand brushed the handle, it swung open, revealing my loving wife and a man at her side. He was completely plain, an everyday man not worth looking at twice. He had a reassuring hand on my wives shoulder, the cheeky bastard.
"Oi, what are you playing at?" I gasped as my lovely Maria plunged a knife into my chest. The man stepped forward as I fell to the ground and caught me by the shoulder before I fell.
"Come now, son, you think you can use bullshit loopholes to get out of your duties?" spoke the Devil softly, his hand still on my shoulder. "You abuse the wife I gave you, the sanity I gave you and then have the audacity to think you can weasel out of it?"
I was gasping for breath, my hand closing around the bloody knife wound. "I w-was just a k-kid" I winced with pain.
"You humans truly disgust me" said the Devil, letting go of my shoulder and allowing me to fall to the ground. But it didn't end there. I fell through the ground, through the carpet, through the Earths crust and as I did, the millions of schizophrenic demons dispelled by the Devils witchcraft screamed in my ear at once.
It was only when I felt my body beginning to separate did the pain stop. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | The ground beneath me rumbled in fury. The glass of water at the end of my table crashed to floor, breaking into dozens of tiny shards. I looked over at my roommate, but I already knew she couldn’t feel any of it. This was just for me. At the foot of my bed, a dark shape was beginning to take form. I watched it with tired eyes as I slowly stood up to greet it. And Suddenly, there he was, back in the form that I first met him in. He was dressed in ripped jeans and a plain red sweater. His bare feet left scorch marks on the floor wherever he stepped. I would worry about cleaning that up later. Right now, I had business to take care of.
“Hello Candice,” He said with a twisted smile. His voice was musical, soothing the first time I heard it, but now I could hear the malice behind it. That slight screech, like when a violinist accidentally scrapes the strings too hard.
“Hello,” I replied, keeping my face straight. I had to show him I wasn’t afraid.
“Do you know why I am here?” I nodded calmly.
“You’re here to collect.” The Devil smiled warmly and holds out his hand in offering.
“Shall we then?”
“No.” His smile never faltered, but his outstretched hand crumpled into a fist.
“No?”
“The original agreement between us was made when I was only 13 years old, a minor. Therefore, legally speaking, it is not a valid contract.” His smile began to curl into a snarl. “You have no claim to my soul.”
“You’ve gotten so clever over the past ten years, haven’t you?” I said nothing, not wanting to give him anything that could turn the odds back in his favour. “Your claim is that I have no right to your soul because the contract is invalid. Correct?” I nodded, cautiously. “Then I’m afraid the entire contract is invalid. I’ll have to take back what I gave you.” His eyes lit up, thinking he had won.
“I thought you might say that,” I said as I reached over to my desk. I picked up a small stack of paper and handed it to him. “This is my new proposal.” I waited patiently while his eyes skimmed through the document. His one eyebrow raised in curiosity. When he finished reading, he raised his eyes to mine, looking excited. “Agreed?” I asked holding my hand out. His sly smile crawled back across his lips as he took my hand in his.
“See you in ten years.” We shook hands, and just like that, he was gone. I crawled back into bed, already feeling the world shift with our new deal taking place. I smiled to myself as I crawled back in bed. Ten years was all I needed.
| "I don't know why I ever married you!" screamed Maria, slamming the door as she went.
I only rolled my eyes and looked back at the television. This kind of argument happened at least twice a week but she always came back eventually, doe-eyed and begging to get back together. I always agreed to it, of course. She was the love of my life.
I can still remember that day, all those years ago, when she'd first asked to marry me. We were young - too young, some said - but she proposed. When you're young and in love, nothing like that seems to matter. To me, it was a dream come true. This beautiful, nice, kind young girl who I'd crushed on for years had approached me one day, clutched my hand and kissed me. We were an official couple by that evening, to the shock of her peers and were married within six months. Even her parents didn't seem to mind.
Three rapid knocks on the door. I ignored them.
In fairness, I do have to give one man some credit. (I didn't attract her through my winning looks and personality alone). The Father of Lies had appeared in my room on one of my darker nights, when it seemed as if the walls were closing in and I was alone.
"Son, you want to be happy?" he'd whispered. I could only nod, tears staining my cheeks. At the time, I thought it was another one of my demons, coming to scare me like they had through most of my adolescence. But this one seemed more solid. I never saw his face - only the silhouette.
The knocking came again, three rapid knocks. It was probably her.
"How about the love of your life, son? Maria could love you until the day you die, if you wanted. I'm just going to need you to do something for me" continued the shadowy figure. "W-what...?" I croaked, my pubescent voice cracking. "Your soul. You can have it all, if you'd stay me when you pass on" replied the Devil.
He thought he was some kind of genie. I knew perfectly well what I was getting into. Any contract signed by me couldn't be legally binding and upon taking law in college a couple of years later, I'd become more comfortable. So here I was, perfectly sane and with an obedient, loving wife. I didn't fear death - as far as I was concerned, the contract was to be null and void at the time of my death.
I was just a kid when I'd signed it, after all. Not even fully grown. Even if God didn't exist, rules had to count for something to the Devil, right?
The knocking began again but it didn't stop at three. It continued, becoming an irritating noise that soon enveloped any noise coming from the television."Bloody hell, Maria, hold your horses!" I roared, loosening my tie as I half stumbled to the door. We were about to have one of our "make-up" sessions.
She would apologise profusely for whatever it was we were arguing about, I'd pretend not to care, she'd beg and then I'd relent. We'd then have a lovely week, in which she made me lunches for work, told me constantly how much she loved me, more silly shit like that. I got to fuck her. That was how it was and how I liked it.
Then, she'd get angry for no reason or I'd lose my temper, we'd argue and she'd walk out, screaming abuse. It hadn't always been like that. In our early years, she'd never argued. She'd always done as she was told, always looked after me. These arguments were a recent occurance, having only begun about a year ago. I could only suppress my excited grin as I approached the door. I was getting laid tonight, no doubt.
As soon as my hand brushed the handle, it swung open, revealing my loving wife and a man at her side. He was completely plain, an everyday man not worth looking at twice. He had a reassuring hand on my wives shoulder, the cheeky bastard.
"Oi, what are you playing at?" I gasped as my lovely Maria plunged a knife into my chest. The man stepped forward as I fell to the ground and caught me by the shoulder before I fell.
"Come now, son, you think you can use bullshit loopholes to get out of your duties?" spoke the Devil softly, his hand still on my shoulder. "You abuse the wife I gave you, the sanity I gave you and then have the audacity to think you can weasel out of it?"
I was gasping for breath, my hand closing around the bloody knife wound. "I w-was just a k-kid" I winced with pain.
"You humans truly disgust me" said the Devil, letting go of my shoulder and allowing me to fall to the ground. But it didn't end there. I fell through the ground, through the carpet, through the Earths crust and as I did, the millions of schizophrenic demons dispelled by the Devils witchcraft screamed in my ear at once.
It was only when I felt my body beginning to separate did the pain stop. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "I don't know why I ever married you!" screamed Maria, slamming the door as she went.
I only rolled my eyes and looked back at the television. This kind of argument happened at least twice a week but she always came back eventually, doe-eyed and begging to get back together. I always agreed to it, of course. She was the love of my life.
I can still remember that day, all those years ago, when she'd first asked to marry me. We were young - too young, some said - but she proposed. When you're young and in love, nothing like that seems to matter. To me, it was a dream come true. This beautiful, nice, kind young girl who I'd crushed on for years had approached me one day, clutched my hand and kissed me. We were an official couple by that evening, to the shock of her peers and were married within six months. Even her parents didn't seem to mind.
Three rapid knocks on the door. I ignored them.
In fairness, I do have to give one man some credit. (I didn't attract her through my winning looks and personality alone). The Father of Lies had appeared in my room on one of my darker nights, when it seemed as if the walls were closing in and I was alone.
"Son, you want to be happy?" he'd whispered. I could only nod, tears staining my cheeks. At the time, I thought it was another one of my demons, coming to scare me like they had through most of my adolescence. But this one seemed more solid. I never saw his face - only the silhouette.
The knocking came again, three rapid knocks. It was probably her.
"How about the love of your life, son? Maria could love you until the day you die, if you wanted. I'm just going to need you to do something for me" continued the shadowy figure. "W-what...?" I croaked, my pubescent voice cracking. "Your soul. You can have it all, if you'd stay me when you pass on" replied the Devil.
He thought he was some kind of genie. I knew perfectly well what I was getting into. Any contract signed by me couldn't be legally binding and upon taking law in college a couple of years later, I'd become more comfortable. So here I was, perfectly sane and with an obedient, loving wife. I didn't fear death - as far as I was concerned, the contract was to be null and void at the time of my death.
I was just a kid when I'd signed it, after all. Not even fully grown. Even if God didn't exist, rules had to count for something to the Devil, right?
The knocking began again but it didn't stop at three. It continued, becoming an irritating noise that soon enveloped any noise coming from the television."Bloody hell, Maria, hold your horses!" I roared, loosening my tie as I half stumbled to the door. We were about to have one of our "make-up" sessions.
She would apologise profusely for whatever it was we were arguing about, I'd pretend not to care, she'd beg and then I'd relent. We'd then have a lovely week, in which she made me lunches for work, told me constantly how much she loved me, more silly shit like that. I got to fuck her. That was how it was and how I liked it.
Then, she'd get angry for no reason or I'd lose my temper, we'd argue and she'd walk out, screaming abuse. It hadn't always been like that. In our early years, she'd never argued. She'd always done as she was told, always looked after me. These arguments were a recent occurance, having only begun about a year ago. I could only suppress my excited grin as I approached the door. I was getting laid tonight, no doubt.
As soon as my hand brushed the handle, it swung open, revealing my loving wife and a man at her side. He was completely plain, an everyday man not worth looking at twice. He had a reassuring hand on my wives shoulder, the cheeky bastard.
"Oi, what are you playing at?" I gasped as my lovely Maria plunged a knife into my chest. The man stepped forward as I fell to the ground and caught me by the shoulder before I fell.
"Come now, son, you think you can use bullshit loopholes to get out of your duties?" spoke the Devil softly, his hand still on my shoulder. "You abuse the wife I gave you, the sanity I gave you and then have the audacity to think you can weasel out of it?"
I was gasping for breath, my hand closing around the bloody knife wound. "I w-was just a k-kid" I winced with pain.
"You humans truly disgust me" said the Devil, letting go of my shoulder and allowing me to fall to the ground. But it didn't end there. I fell through the ground, through the carpet, through the Earths crust and as I did, the millions of schizophrenic demons dispelled by the Devils witchcraft screamed in my ear at once.
It was only when I felt my body beginning to separate did the pain stop. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | It had been 2 years. 2 agonizingly long years of trying to contact Him. Abigail had succeeded the first time she'd tried, back in 2011. He'd appeared to her, a devilishly handsome man bedecked in a suave red suit.
She made a deal with the Devil, to get a job that would pay for her mother's hospital bills. Boy, had the Devil tricked her. She'd gotten the job alright - fast tracked her way into success. But now her mother was dead and she couldn't keep a steady job anymore.
Then one early Saturday morning in November, He came again. "Mary, Mary, we meet again," he said smoothly, giving her a grin that could make a pastor's daughter sin.
Mary steeled herself for what she needed to say, giving a deep breath. "Our contract... The one we made when I was 17? I want to take it back." She said this all in one breath, closing her eyes and readying herself.
"Of *course* you do, you're what? A lawyer for two and a half years? I fast-tracked you. You were already a genius - smart, second year of college, when I got to you."
Nothing he said was a lie, and that's what made her mad. She could have gotten where she was now by herself - and maybe her mother wouldn't be six feet under where they now stood. But she was desperate. Saddled with debt.
"Anyway, did you *really* think that I, Lucifer, could be fought with the laws of *man*, Mary?"
His shadow grew big, a hulking figure with horns and a bulbous tail, but all Mary could see were his eyes. "Fine, you get your wish. The contract is over with. I now do not have to abide by those *oh so strict* rules."
...
Three hours later, a couple walked by what appeared to be an animalistic mauling. It was all in the newspaper: Genius Brutally Mauled by Unknown Animals. | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | The ground beneath me rumbled in fury. The glass of water at the end of my table crashed to floor, breaking into dozens of tiny shards. I looked over at my roommate, but I already knew she couldn’t feel any of it. This was just for me. At the foot of my bed, a dark shape was beginning to take form. I watched it with tired eyes as I slowly stood up to greet it. And Suddenly, there he was, back in the form that I first met him in. He was dressed in ripped jeans and a plain red sweater. His bare feet left scorch marks on the floor wherever he stepped. I would worry about cleaning that up later. Right now, I had business to take care of.
“Hello Candice,” He said with a twisted smile. His voice was musical, soothing the first time I heard it, but now I could hear the malice behind it. That slight screech, like when a violinist accidentally scrapes the strings too hard.
“Hello,” I replied, keeping my face straight. I had to show him I wasn’t afraid.
“Do you know why I am here?” I nodded calmly.
“You’re here to collect.” The Devil smiled warmly and holds out his hand in offering.
“Shall we then?”
“No.” His smile never faltered, but his outstretched hand crumpled into a fist.
“No?”
“The original agreement between us was made when I was only 13 years old, a minor. Therefore, legally speaking, it is not a valid contract.” His smile began to curl into a snarl. “You have no claim to my soul.”
“You’ve gotten so clever over the past ten years, haven’t you?” I said nothing, not wanting to give him anything that could turn the odds back in his favour. “Your claim is that I have no right to your soul because the contract is invalid. Correct?” I nodded, cautiously. “Then I’m afraid the entire contract is invalid. I’ll have to take back what I gave you.” His eyes lit up, thinking he had won.
“I thought you might say that,” I said as I reached over to my desk. I picked up a small stack of paper and handed it to him. “This is my new proposal.” I waited patiently while his eyes skimmed through the document. His one eyebrow raised in curiosity. When he finished reading, he raised his eyes to mine, looking excited. “Agreed?” I asked holding my hand out. His sly smile crawled back across his lips as he took my hand in his.
“See you in ten years.” We shook hands, and just like that, he was gone. I crawled back into bed, already feeling the world shift with our new deal taking place. I smiled to myself as I crawled back in bed. Ten years was all I needed.
| "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "Well, I'm sad that it would come to this", the Devil said, and took a sip of his ever burning pipe. "Sad is maybe the wrong word, I feel very little. It is more of an inconvenience, but I know the drill very well. We've had this conversation countless times before".
"What....what do you mean, I've never...We've barely ever met!" I loosened my tie a bit, It felt like it was strangling me slowly. I took a napkin from the cafeteria table, and wiped my forehead. I was sweating like a pig.
"Yes...indeed." the Devil said, and played effortlessly with his old vintage lighter. Opening and closing the lid, running it through his fingers like water or sand. "That is how it was arranged. Eternal life will drive any human mind to the ground eventually, so I've kept wiping your memory every three decades for centuries. I wouldn't go through all these arrangements with just anybody, you are...special to me. I remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Countless times I have seen people smash in heads of infant babies and such, but you... You have a special talent for pure evil. You made a mother drown her own child to punish her husband. No violence, only words of pure poison. You spent months to break her mind, you even seduced her only to destroy her utterly. After she went mad and hung herself, her husband drank himself to death. And you even drank with him and stayed close to him, feeding on his bottomless despair and sorrow. Feeding on misery, that's your game, your fix. I've seen you do it in countless wars. As a guard in Auschwitz, in the fields of Cambodia, with a machete in Rwanda. You are my price stallion, and the contract stands. You sick basterd, I admire you so much." The devil sighed, and fished an envelope out from his long dark leather coat. " Enough of this, I have a new mission for you. How would you like to start the next big war? A storm is brewing. The world is again ripe for our taking!" |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | It had been 2 years. 2 agonizingly long years of trying to contact Him. Abigail had succeeded the first time she'd tried, back in 2011. He'd appeared to her, a devilishly handsome man bedecked in a suave red suit.
She made a deal with the Devil, to get a job that would pay for her mother's hospital bills. Boy, had the Devil tricked her. She'd gotten the job alright - fast tracked her way into success. But now her mother was dead and she couldn't keep a steady job anymore.
Then one early Saturday morning in November, He came again. "Mary, Mary, we meet again," he said smoothly, giving her a grin that could make a pastor's daughter sin.
Mary steeled herself for what she needed to say, giving a deep breath. "Our contract... The one we made when I was 17? I want to take it back." She said this all in one breath, closing her eyes and readying herself.
"Of *course* you do, you're what? A lawyer for two and a half years? I fast-tracked you. You were already a genius - smart, second year of college, when I got to you."
Nothing he said was a lie, and that's what made her mad. She could have gotten where she was now by herself - and maybe her mother wouldn't be six feet under where they now stood. But she was desperate. Saddled with debt.
"Anyway, did you *really* think that I, Lucifer, could be fought with the laws of *man*, Mary?"
His shadow grew big, a hulking figure with horns and a bulbous tail, but all Mary could see were his eyes. "Fine, you get your wish. The contract is over with. I now do not have to abide by those *oh so strict* rules."
...
Three hours later, a couple walked by what appeared to be an animalistic mauling. It was all in the newspaper: Genius Brutally Mauled by Unknown Animals. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | You know, a week ago I never really thought I'd end up sitting in Contracts I as a 1L. Sure, me and the Devil had our deal, but can you ever really be sure he's gonna follow through? Or that you even made a deal with the bona-fide Devil anyway?
The deal I made never really manifested itself like some wish made to the genie from Aladdin. It just kind of melded together. Hell, I only ever *applied* to this school because I was drunk on a Sunday and the thought crossed my mind. Imagine my surprise when I got the email from the Admissions Council stating the school had admitted me - along with a note about a full scholarship. Surprise or not, my LSAT score fell right into the top quartile, and I had a good personal essay about my struggles. The same struggles that made me sign a contract with the Devil.
Two years ago, we learned about the difference between a void and voidable contract. You see, some contracts are just void from the get-go. Other's are voidable. A void contract isn't a contract at all. A voidable contract - like the one I made with Beezelbub when I was fifteen - is one that's real, but one party can walk away from. I can tell the Devil to pound sand!
That night, I opened up Word and typed a letter to the Devil, telling him I had learned contracts with minors were void, and I wanted out. I hadn't seen any proof the demon had helped me, I wasn't about to be stuck with this deal if I didn't have to. I just saved it to my desktop - how else do you contact a demon?
Today, I got the thick, letter-size envelope from the Board of Law Examiners. Every bar sitter knows that back when you applied for colleges, a thin envelope meant a denial, a thick, letter-size envelope meant you were admitted. Well, folks, with the Board, it's the opposite. I didn't even need to, but I opened the letter anyway:
> You have attained a score of **271** on the Uniform Bar Exam. This score is below the minimum passing score of **272.** Please note that since your score was within ten percent of the passing score on this exam, your responses were already evaluated twice to ensure accuracy and no appeals from this result are possible.
Well fuck me running. That night, after a long intervention with a bottle of Jack Daniels, I re-opened my letter to the Devil. In place of my text, I found this response:
> The Second Restatement allows a minor to repudiate a contract except as to necessities, such as room and board, for which market value must be paid to the other party. You owe me seven years, mister.
Well, fuck. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | "Whose rules do you think we're playing by here? The US court's? The.."
"But.."
"No buts, mister: You sit and listen. What did you think was gonna happen? You'd come in here, hit me with some freshman law bullshit, and I'd be like "noooo, oh noooo, Gary, you really got me, here, Gary.."? Bitch I run a fucking *business*. You think you're the first to try this? When you signed in blood, you forsook the laws of men, which you would know if you weren't *playing at being mr. lawyer man* and actually knew how the world works"
"No.. I.."
"Gary I'm not going to tell you again. Here's how this is going to work: You're going to go out, find a nice innocent girl, put a baby in her, and after it's a few years old, I tell you the rest of the terms of the contract. You promised, Gary. Now be a good sport and go get laid, or do you need help with that, too?"
"ok..." |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "You really think that you can just weasel out of a contract because you were a minor when you signed it?" asked Satan.
"I was young. I didn't have the full capacity to know what I was doing when I signed it," I replied.
Satan rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn't giving up.
"Listen, I said. "Everybody knows that you can't enforce a contract on a minor. So I demand an arbitration."
"Ha! Well," the Devil "said smugly, "we'll have your little arbitration, but it won't help. I got news for you, sonny... I happen to have the world's foremost expert in weaselling out of contracts on staff working for me now. He's here to make sure people like you don't get away with things like this."
"I'll take my chances in arbitration,"I said confidently.
"Suit yourself," Satan said with a smile, turning to the back room and cupping his hands to his mouth before shouting:
"TRUMP! Get your ass in here!" | CLEVER
the Devil deadpanned.
YOU HAVE BESTED ME; PERHAPS MY NEXT PREY WILL NOT BE SO SMART
YOUR SOUL IS SAFE FROM CHANGING HANDS
he continues as he vanishes in a puff of crimson smoke.
The Student exhaled an enormous sigh of relief as he did not think this to go over that well with the Devil himself.
With this burden off his conscience, the Student continues through law school, graduating summa cum laude and landing a paid internship at the prestigious law firm of Dewey, Cheetum, and Hao while he studies for the upcoming bar exam. Suffice to say, the Student passes with flying colors, practices law for years and years. He hardly ever loses a case and makes partner in half the expected time; everything is going swimmingly well.
Late at night, 30 years later, the Student's swirling around a tumbler of Johnnie Walker Blue, slouched back in his Nappa leather recliner as the splintered logs in his stone fireplace crackle. Reflecting on his life, the Student is unable to believe how he stomached the acts he performed in some of his cases, let alone most of his cases. It seemed so surreal, was he the one who actually advocated for heinous criminals to be set free, unchanged in their ways, let loose once again to do their unspeakable deeds? No, those cases were simply the ones he had needed to succeed at to move forward in his career; if anything, it was the judge and the jury's fault for not finding his clients guilty. Yes, it was their burden, not his.
The Student finished off his glass, set it on the mahogany table adjacent to his recliner. He turned on his side and slightly curled into a half-ball. He didn't imagine he'd be getting much sleep tonight, it was slow-coming nowadays. The Student closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing...
DO YOU **FEEL FREE** OF YOUR CONTRACT YET, MORTAL?
The Student opens his eyes with a start, adrenaline pumping. There, by the fireplace, stood the Devil. Understanding dawned on him... the words, they came back so easily, even after all these years. His soul wouldn't change hands because Devil laid claim to it when he made the contract.
IT IS **TIME**.
Oh... Oh, God, he means it's time for my life to end, doesn't he? But I don't want to die, not yet! And yet, the Student felt relieved, as if a heavy boulder was lifted off his shoulders. Acceptance was reluctant and slow in coming, but he soon knew there was no escape from this. Not this. Never this. At least the Devil was accepting of him, surely God had no place for him at the gilded halls in the sky, not after the things he had done. He slowly got up out of his recliner and managed his way to his feet and looked the Devil straight in the eye.
I AM READY, LUCIFER. THOUGH YOU OWN MY **BLACKENED** SOUL, I TAKE NOT **SECOND** SEAT TO ANYONE. I WAS UNPARALLELED IN LIFE, AS I **WILL** BE IN DEATH. COME, **FATHER OF LIES**, I AM EAGER TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME, FOR SURELY IT CANNOT COMPARE TO WHAT I EXPERIENCED IN THE LIVING WORLD.
They strolled into the fireplace, not as master/slave, but as equals. The Devil chuckled to himself with a slight shake of his head. With such a headstrong recruit, He would finally, at long last, have his eternal rest, his work complete. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | The man sat cross-legged on the file cabinet, cloven feet dangling, while he fussed with his cufflinks with thin, dark fingers. Smiling, he surveyed the small room. The smoke had mostly cleared, but the ceiling was still singed and everything (except for him) was covered in a thin layer of ash. He spotted a pentacle on the far side of the room, almost completely buried, near the windows.
"What's that for?"
Cassie glared at him from her position on the floor, sitting cross-legged in a circle of salt, wiping ash from her face with the sleeve of her once-white sweater. She stood up slowly, taking care not to knock over the candles, and set the binder with the ritual on her desk.
"The internet said you'd be trapped in it," she said, trying not to react to the sharp sulfur stink overwhelming her office.
"Well then," said the man, leaping down from his perch and straightening his tie, careful not to scrape the ceiling tiles with his horns. "I suppose you can't believe everything you read."
"It still got you here. Although it didn't say you'd make such a mess."
"It's 2016. You could have tried Facebook." He made a gesture with his hand and the ash trembled, before rushing beneath him to form a plush, high-backed chair. "Finding me has never been the hard part. People tend to struggle with what comes after." He grinned wider.
The stench grew stronger, and Cassie coughed. *This must be what the incense and lavender was for*. She scanned the room hopefully, but realized they must have been blown behind a pile of papers or buried under the ash. They certainly hadn't been burned.
"Can you cool it with that smell?"
"Oh, absolutely," he said.
After a moment, the stink became even more unbearable, notes of must and fresh shit breaking through the constant assault. She glowered at him (while trying desperately not to inhale) while he smiled back at her impassively. Finally, she gave in.
"Stop it with the fucking smell," she said, still trying to hold her breath.
"And to think you're a lawyer," he said, snapping his fingers. The scent slowly began to relent. "Well, an intern, I suppose. I forgot that they made offices this small. Still, if you're not more careful..." He turned to look at the scorched ceiling. "...this isn't going to go well for you."
*Like I don't know that. But it's not going to go any better if I let you keep my soul.*
"Well then, you might not be aware of this, but I'm actually a very busy man. I assume you've called to discuss our previous arrangement, unless you've found another soul to sell since then." He snapped his fingers and a shower of sparks burst into life above the desk, stretching into tiny bits of paper, falling flash by flash into the form of a faintly glowing document. A familiar, lacy signature lurked in dried-blood brown at the bottom of the page.
"Yes," she said, steeling herself. "That."
"Well, let's see..." he said, picking up the paper. A pair of thin-framed glasses had appeared on his face. "Hmm..., *I, Cassie Anderson, hereby swear*, blah blah blah, *immortal soul*, blah blah blah, *to be paid at the time of my death in exchange for services rendered*. It's standard stuff, very straight-forward. What's the problem?"
"I was fourteen! Minors can't legally consent to contracts. Especially not contracts like this!"
"Ah. Yes, that's an excellent point. I suppose you can hardly call that fair." He pointed at the paper and it tore apart into a thousand burning scraps, which flared and disappeared. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Cassie stood stone-faced, trying to hide her surprise. "It's really just as easy as that?"
"It was very easy for me to do that. My favorite thing about my position is having the flexibility to do as I please." he said, rising from his chair, which collapsed back into ash. His suit was still immaculate. "And I enjoyed doing that a great deal. This may surprise you, but I put a lot of stock into law. When it becomes clear to me that something, such as our arrangement, is unfair, I feel that it's my duty to do something. And after all, there are plenty of real sinners out there in the world. I don't need to be a penny-pincher. Now, if our discussion is complete, I think I'll take my leave. I am a very busy man."
"Wait, can you do something about all this ash before you go?"
"Oh, absolutely", he said, and then vanished in a puff of foul smoke. | CLEVER
the Devil deadpanned.
YOU HAVE BESTED ME; PERHAPS MY NEXT PREY WILL NOT BE SO SMART
YOUR SOUL IS SAFE FROM CHANGING HANDS
he continues as he vanishes in a puff of crimson smoke.
The Student exhaled an enormous sigh of relief as he did not think this to go over that well with the Devil himself.
With this burden off his conscience, the Student continues through law school, graduating summa cum laude and landing a paid internship at the prestigious law firm of Dewey, Cheetum, and Hao while he studies for the upcoming bar exam. Suffice to say, the Student passes with flying colors, practices law for years and years. He hardly ever loses a case and makes partner in half the expected time; everything is going swimmingly well.
Late at night, 30 years later, the Student's swirling around a tumbler of Johnnie Walker Blue, slouched back in his Nappa leather recliner as the splintered logs in his stone fireplace crackle. Reflecting on his life, the Student is unable to believe how he stomached the acts he performed in some of his cases, let alone most of his cases. It seemed so surreal, was he the one who actually advocated for heinous criminals to be set free, unchanged in their ways, let loose once again to do their unspeakable deeds? No, those cases were simply the ones he had needed to succeed at to move forward in his career; if anything, it was the judge and the jury's fault for not finding his clients guilty. Yes, it was their burden, not his.
The Student finished off his glass, set it on the mahogany table adjacent to his recliner. He turned on his side and slightly curled into a half-ball. He didn't imagine he'd be getting much sleep tonight, it was slow-coming nowadays. The Student closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing...
DO YOU **FEEL FREE** OF YOUR CONTRACT YET, MORTAL?
The Student opens his eyes with a start, adrenaline pumping. There, by the fireplace, stood the Devil. Understanding dawned on him... the words, they came back so easily, even after all these years. His soul wouldn't change hands because Devil laid claim to it when he made the contract.
IT IS **TIME**.
Oh... Oh, God, he means it's time for my life to end, doesn't he? But I don't want to die, not yet! And yet, the Student felt relieved, as if a heavy boulder was lifted off his shoulders. Acceptance was reluctant and slow in coming, but he soon knew there was no escape from this. Not this. Never this. At least the Devil was accepting of him, surely God had no place for him at the gilded halls in the sky, not after the things he had done. He slowly got up out of his recliner and managed his way to his feet and looked the Devil straight in the eye.
I AM READY, LUCIFER. THOUGH YOU OWN MY **BLACKENED** SOUL, I TAKE NOT **SECOND** SEAT TO ANYONE. I WAS UNPARALLELED IN LIFE, AS I **WILL** BE IN DEATH. COME, **FATHER OF LIES**, I AM EAGER TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME, FOR SURELY IT CANNOT COMPARE TO WHAT I EXPERIENCED IN THE LIVING WORLD.
They strolled into the fireplace, not as master/slave, but as equals. The Devil chuckled to himself with a slight shake of his head. With such a headstrong recruit, He would finally, at long last, have his eternal rest, his work complete. |
* I didn't come up with this, saw it somewhere, don't remember where. | [WP] When you were younger, you sold your soul to the Devil. Now that you are studying law you realize that contracts signed by minors are not legally binding. | "...and that is why contracts signed by minors aren't legally binding" says Mr Dogboner.
"Holy shit that's amazing!" Shouted Thomas in the middle of the lecture theatre.
Silence as the class awkwardly stares at him.
"What thomas?" Asks Dogboner.
"Nothing! You wouldn't understand!" Thomas replies as he sprints out of the hall. The rest of the class and Dogboner just assume he's mentally retarded and carry on without him. Meanwhile Thomas is calling the devil to tell him his good news
. *ring* *ring*
"Hello, it's me Satan, how may I help you?" Asks Satan.
"The contract for my soul isn't legally binding haha you bastard!" Squeals Thomas with tears of joy squirting out of his eyes.
"Shut the fuck up retard the laWS of man don't apply to me you dumb shit" laughs the devil.
FIN. | CLEVER
the Devil deadpanned.
YOU HAVE BESTED ME; PERHAPS MY NEXT PREY WILL NOT BE SO SMART
YOUR SOUL IS SAFE FROM CHANGING HANDS
he continues as he vanishes in a puff of crimson smoke.
The Student exhaled an enormous sigh of relief as he did not think this to go over that well with the Devil himself.
With this burden off his conscience, the Student continues through law school, graduating summa cum laude and landing a paid internship at the prestigious law firm of Dewey, Cheetum, and Hao while he studies for the upcoming bar exam. Suffice to say, the Student passes with flying colors, practices law for years and years. He hardly ever loses a case and makes partner in half the expected time; everything is going swimmingly well.
Late at night, 30 years later, the Student's swirling around a tumbler of Johnnie Walker Blue, slouched back in his Nappa leather recliner as the splintered logs in his stone fireplace crackle. Reflecting on his life, the Student is unable to believe how he stomached the acts he performed in some of his cases, let alone most of his cases. It seemed so surreal, was he the one who actually advocated for heinous criminals to be set free, unchanged in their ways, let loose once again to do their unspeakable deeds? No, those cases were simply the ones he had needed to succeed at to move forward in his career; if anything, it was the judge and the jury's fault for not finding his clients guilty. Yes, it was their burden, not his.
The Student finished off his glass, set it on the mahogany table adjacent to his recliner. He turned on his side and slightly curled into a half-ball. He didn't imagine he'd be getting much sleep tonight, it was slow-coming nowadays. The Student closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing...
DO YOU **FEEL FREE** OF YOUR CONTRACT YET, MORTAL?
The Student opens his eyes with a start, adrenaline pumping. There, by the fireplace, stood the Devil. Understanding dawned on him... the words, they came back so easily, even after all these years. His soul wouldn't change hands because Devil laid claim to it when he made the contract.
IT IS **TIME**.
Oh... Oh, God, he means it's time for my life to end, doesn't he? But I don't want to die, not yet! And yet, the Student felt relieved, as if a heavy boulder was lifted off his shoulders. Acceptance was reluctant and slow in coming, but he soon knew there was no escape from this. Not this. Never this. At least the Devil was accepting of him, surely God had no place for him at the gilded halls in the sky, not after the things he had done. He slowly got up out of his recliner and managed his way to his feet and looked the Devil straight in the eye.
I AM READY, LUCIFER. THOUGH YOU OWN MY **BLACKENED** SOUL, I TAKE NOT **SECOND** SEAT TO ANYONE. I WAS UNPARALLELED IN LIFE, AS I **WILL** BE IN DEATH. COME, **FATHER OF LIES**, I AM EAGER TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME, FOR SURELY IT CANNOT COMPARE TO WHAT I EXPERIENCED IN THE LIVING WORLD.
They strolled into the fireplace, not as master/slave, but as equals. The Devil chuckled to himself with a slight shake of his head. With such a headstrong recruit, He would finally, at long last, have his eternal rest, his work complete. |
[WP] Upon dying, you learn that you can take three lessons you learned to your next life to make it better. | Did you know that in your last few moments alive, your senses are flooded with light?
Yes, your senses. Not just your sight. You feel that shining beacon in the stars calling out to you in every single way possible: you see it, you smell it, you taste it, you hear it, you feel it. It's overwhelming, yet strangely peaceful. The type of sensation that you can't fight against, so you simply go with the flow and enjoy the ride.
Your trip to the switching station lasts about ten minutes. At that point, the light fades from your senses and you're standing in a place that oddly resembles your average metro station. You're at the end of a single-file line that stretches out seemingly for eternity, and yet, when the line moves forward, you're next. You get to go face-to-face with the big man himself.
Or, at least to me, he was a man. A real father figure kind of guy. But I got the impression from his knowing smile that he would be whatever you were most comfortable with. I was always a daddy's girl in my life.
"Hello, Abigail," God said, his voice flooding all my senses like the light. It wasn't overwhelming, though. It was like the sensation of laying your head down on a pillow after a long day. "Welcome to the switching station."
I opened my mouth to be speak, but found words lacking, so I simply nodded.
"I know you've a lot of questions, my dear girl. Let me start with the one at the front of your mind: what is this place? As I said, the switching station. Souls are not expendable resources, you know. They aren't a one-and-done kind of commodity. The same soul will likely go through over one hundred incarnations before boarding the train home. You, my dear girl, are on your way to incarnation two. One of the freshest souls I have had the pleasure of meeting in a very long time."
I remained silent for several moments, trying to take the information in. God assured me that I could take all the time I need with his gaze - he didn't need to say a word for me to understand that. Eventually, I was able to form my first question: "The train home?"
God lifted his hand, pointing toward the empty tracks. "After a soul goes through enough incarnations, it boards the train home. To... Heaven, so-to-speak. Think of it as a retirement home for souls, if that makes it easier to comprehend. To be allowed into such a place, a soul must mature immensely, and if I find it hasn't learned its lessons yet, I will send it back for another go. Make sense, dear child?"
I nodded.
"A part of this 'entrance exam', so-to-speak, is that the memory-wipe a soul receives will be incomplete. They will not remember a thing from their previous life, naturally, but will have three lessons learned in that previous life instilled into their soul. Three things that will make up the core of their personality for that lifetime. These three things are at the discretion of the soul itself. You may pick, dear Abigail."
God extended a clipboard to me, complete with pen and paper. I took it, and he placed his hand on my shoulder, guiding me over to a lone chair off to the side of the main line.
"Take all the time you need, dear child. Pick your three lessons, and you will go on to your next life with those lessons as a part of you. Choose carefully."
And with that, God went back to the line to tend to the next person. I sat there in the chair for what felt like a paradoxical time - it took forever, yet it took no time at all. I thought long and hard at times, and other times, I didn't think at all, letting my mind rest and moving my eyes from the clipboard to God, who always was speaking to another soul. Formless, yet filled with so much expression.
But I finally decided.
I had them written. So, with a heaving sigh, I rose to my feet and move to talk to God, who all of a sudden is speaking to no one. The line was empty - the only people in the switching station were the two of us. I had long since decided not to question the physics of this place. It was a realm in control of God, after all.
I approached him, handing him the clipboard. His eyes scanned it for a split second, a smile touching his lips.
"Very well, dear Abigail. You will go into your next life with three lessons instilled into your very soul - these three things will make up the core of your personality, from the moment you can remember your own thoughts. They are..."
In the end, there wasn't much of a choice. I knew from the moment that I was told to pick what I was going to choose, despite the arduous hours of thinking on it.
I was a very mean person for the first few decades of my life. Spiteful, arrogant, hateful. I don't really know what to blame - my emotional immaturity as a soul, my upbringing in life, the social circles I hung with... I suppose blame really doesn't matter.
"Lesson One," God said, "Be kind to your fellow man..."
I always skirted by on the bare minimum effort in life. I went the easy way with every little thing I could. This ended up with my early adult life being spent on the streets, spiteful toward the world and only affirming my belief that the world didn't deserve my effort.
"Lesson Two," God said, "Work hard, for it is the only way to lead a fruitful life."
When I realized that wasn't going to work, I picked up the pace. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and became a working machine - I built myself a life from rock bottom. I was a natural American success story. I got a husband. I gave birth to a little girl. For the first time in my life, I was someone worthwhile to someone else. And yet, I was afraid that if I stopped, I was going to make the entire setup fall apart.
"Lesson Three," God said, "Yet take time to rest, for a life only spent working is no life at all."
I crashed and burned. It was at this point where my blood pressure was skyrocketing, I was barely getting any sleep, I was constantly doing something... my body simply couldn't handle it. It gave out on me. I died because I worked myself to death. I tore myself from the life I had built because I was too afraid it was going to go away if I lost my momentum.
So I knew my three lessons from the moment I was going to get to pick them.
God embraced me. I embraced him back, quietly crying into his shoulder for a while. There was silence, and for the first time ever, I think I really knew what comfort was.
"Dearest Abigail, I would say you had a good first run."
With that, I moved onto my next life. | "Why do we keep offering them the chance?"
"Because no one else is so suited for it."
"Each time. They manage to either forget their own advice or convince themself not to take it. When they get back here, they try again, and typically offer the same advice."
"Ah, but not always."
"...Hm. That's true, but I assumed the point of this was to make the next life *better*, not to find some fancy new outcome or whatnot."
"That's true, but..."
"...yes?"
"Has anyone ever told you the supposed 'definition of insanity?'
"I've heard it before."
"I'm not a fan of it, but it goes that you do the same thing over and over and expect something different to happen. Isn't that something? Knowledge can't change the soul, but the soul can change the knowledge. That's the nature of this project."
"Ah. I see, I suppose it makes sense if you put it that way."
"Either way, we're going to have to wait and see-maybe this time things will change."
---
A person wakes up, and looks in the mirror.
*You can wait forever if you need to.*
*But don't expect things to change by just waiting.*
*Still, there's always next time.*
What shitty advice, they mused. But it was advice they were obliged to take.
It wasn't that maybe things would be different. They would just have to make things different, this time. | |
[WP] Upon dying, you learn that you can take three lessons you learned to your next life to make it better. | The man bumps into me in the street. He snarls at me, and I apologise, even though it was clearly his fault. *Lesson 1: You can't win them all, sometimes it's better to back down.* He walks on, not realising that I managed to swipe his wallet when he bumped into me. *Lesson 2: Sometimes, you need to appear to lose, to win.* He doesn't realise until long after, and I'm sure that he would never think of me as a suspect for stealing it.
I find my way to the restaurant where I'm meeting my girlfriend, and I pay for our meal, in cash, from the man's wallet. Later, after I've locked his debit card, I hand the wallet in to the police, saying that I found it lying on the ground in a park. They also don't suspect me of stealing it. They thank me, and I leave. When I get home, my parents ask me how my day was. I'm tempted to tell them, but that wouldn't be good, so I reply with a simple 'good'.
You may wonder why I took the risk of stealing that man's wallet. It's because I know. Most people choose three lessons that will help them make the right choices, or will help them be successful. Me, I only chose two like that. My third lesson is by far the most important, one that I didn't learn until after I died last time. One that no one else thinks to say, or so I was told. *Lesson 3: After you die, you will be reborn, after choosing three lessons to bring into your new life. So have fun.* | "Why do we keep offering them the chance?"
"Because no one else is so suited for it."
"Each time. They manage to either forget their own advice or convince themself not to take it. When they get back here, they try again, and typically offer the same advice."
"Ah, but not always."
"...Hm. That's true, but I assumed the point of this was to make the next life *better*, not to find some fancy new outcome or whatnot."
"That's true, but..."
"...yes?"
"Has anyone ever told you the supposed 'definition of insanity?'
"I've heard it before."
"I'm not a fan of it, but it goes that you do the same thing over and over and expect something different to happen. Isn't that something? Knowledge can't change the soul, but the soul can change the knowledge. That's the nature of this project."
"Ah. I see, I suppose it makes sense if you put it that way."
"Either way, we're going to have to wait and see-maybe this time things will change."
---
A person wakes up, and looks in the mirror.
*You can wait forever if you need to.*
*But don't expect things to change by just waiting.*
*Still, there's always next time.*
What shitty advice, they mused. But it was advice they were obliged to take.
It wasn't that maybe things would be different. They would just have to make things different, this time. | |
[WP] Upon dying, you learn that you can take three lessons you learned to your next life to make it better. | The building pain, the white light, the sudden peace.
I opened my eyes and stared out into nothing.
*Was this death? Was this the afterlife?*
**"Yes, and no."** spoke a booming voice from all around me.
"You are dead," whispered a voice on my left.
"But this is not the afterlife," whispered another from my right.
"More of an in between..." sang a third voice as it swooped over my head.
"Now you must make a choice," tweedled a voice from below my feet.
"For one so young it must be hard," was said behind me.
A wispy figure formed in the emptiness in front of me and raised an arm in a coy wave. The mouth opened and closed at random as words appeared in the air around me, seen and heard in shimmers.
"Go on, go, on, go on, go on..." a hundred echoes repeating the phrase.
The words froze in place and were swept aside as the figure lowered it's arm to gesture downwards. I followed it's motion and saw the earth far below with one word imprinted deep into it's bedrock. **Return**
"Return." I said immediately, thinking of my friends and family. I had only been nineteen when I was diagnosed, and I had so much more to give.
The figure smiled and it's slit of a mouth spread upwards, cutting a slice through it's face as the upper half of it's head drifted up and up. Eventually being cut off and separating to float above the rest of the figure, slowly losing it's form.
With half a head, and half an inhuman smile, the figure raised up three fingers and it's voice echoed down from the dissipating smoke above it's head.
"Three lessons, can you take, and all else is forgotten. Choose well, they are all that will guide you in your next life."
I blanched, or I would of if I had a body to blanch with, and my thoughts spun uncertainly. How could I choose three lessons and nothing else. Should they allude to memories, maybe they could bring something back from my previous life.
I saw the headless figure shake it's stump. It was right, if I didn't have any memories then what could any lessons tell me. The best I could do was give myself something to help me along. What had I learned in my life?
I thought back on the mistakes I had made, the people I had hurt, the things I had done to hurt myself, and the damage I had caused by acting without thinking.
"Always think carefully before you act." I said, giving my first lesson.
The figure nodded once slowly and lowered a finger. *Two.*
I mentally scrunched up my face and ran a hand through my hair, thinking about all of the people that had hurt me, the boys that I had fallen for that had broken my heart, the teachers that had praised me one day only to punish me the next, and of course my father who had left the day I had told him about my cancer.
"Be careful who you trust." I said, and the figure lowered another finger. *One.*
One final lesson, and my last chance to help myself in the future. What could I do, what could I say? My head echoed with an strange headache in this alien world, and the mist figure rocked back and forth in mocking mirth.
I tried to grit my teeth, and memories flooded back about all of the times I had let people walk all over me. My 'best friend' who had always demanded that I chose her over everyone until she had her first boyfriend, my project partner who had demanded first billing on our paper despite never showing up to our study sessions, my mother who had blamed me for my dad leaving.
"Stand up for yourself." I said, and the figure lowered it's final finger and swept it's arm outwards and away, shedding tendrils of smoke as it passed.
**"The lessons are set."** Spoke the loud voice from all around.
*"Always think carefully before you act,"* crowed a voice from my left.
*"Be careful who you trust."* crooned a voice from my right.
*"Stand up for yourself."* cackled a voice from behind me.
"All three just the same as last time," grinned the faceless mist in front of me.
The figure lifted a hand to point a thumb downwards and I fell towards the earth with my memories falling off me one by one and drifting upwards in the breeze.
The gentle peace, the glowing darkness, the sudden pain.
I opened my eyes.
***
*Thanks for reading*
If you liked this and want some more depressing shit to read, check out my Subreddit: /r/Ethancordn | "Why do we keep offering them the chance?"
"Because no one else is so suited for it."
"Each time. They manage to either forget their own advice or convince themself not to take it. When they get back here, they try again, and typically offer the same advice."
"Ah, but not always."
"...Hm. That's true, but I assumed the point of this was to make the next life *better*, not to find some fancy new outcome or whatnot."
"That's true, but..."
"...yes?"
"Has anyone ever told you the supposed 'definition of insanity?'
"I've heard it before."
"I'm not a fan of it, but it goes that you do the same thing over and over and expect something different to happen. Isn't that something? Knowledge can't change the soul, but the soul can change the knowledge. That's the nature of this project."
"Ah. I see, I suppose it makes sense if you put it that way."
"Either way, we're going to have to wait and see-maybe this time things will change."
---
A person wakes up, and looks in the mirror.
*You can wait forever if you need to.*
*But don't expect things to change by just waiting.*
*Still, there's always next time.*
What shitty advice, they mused. But it was advice they were obliged to take.
It wasn't that maybe things would be different. They would just have to make things different, this time. | |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Mr. Mathers walked up to the microphone and tapped it twice saying, "Is this thing on?"
A few moments later a beat played over the speakers. Mr. Mathers took a deep breath and began,
"Well, homo sapiens are hominids like Neanderthals and Denisovians, we outcompeted them for dominance a very long time ago. Hunter-gatherers became agrarian and eventually Sumerian and the first city states became prevalent nearly ten-thousand years ago."
Fifteen seconds had passed and he took a deeper breath before saying,
"We moved to cities and tamed the wilderness and each generation had some kids and our knowledge grew with iteration as the passage of time flowed. Priests mandated religion as a necessary fiction to teach morality to the simple man and live without doing work while the philosophers kept questioning and writing and lecturing though if you meet one today you'd think they were a jerk."
Another breath and forty-seven seconds into the presentation, Mr. Mathers increased his tempo and said,
"City-states turned to nation-states and armies formed as kings would state that the other men of the other tribe really had to go. Macedonians tried to rule the world till their leader died for reasons unknown. There was Darius, The Zhou Dynasty, Caesar and Xerxes each tried to rule the world and died mysteriously or alone. While the common man was sent to war, he'd fight and die and live through horror and those who had the luck to live never really came back home."
One minute and thirty seconds into his presentation, Mr. Mathers said,
"Rome split into two empires one fell to raiders and the other had a thousand years persist throughout the world. Mongolians crossed the wastes and plundered Europe for a taste of the riches and victories that they had longed for at home. Then Europeans got organized and the Catholic Church told them a lie and suddenly the mobilized to attack their savior's home. Each side thinking they were holy it's the same old story. The peasants fought while leaders stay a thousand miles from war. They brought back Algebra and science from the so-called savages from Africa and science in The West had finally found it's home."
Two minutes and thirty seconds into his presentation, Mr. Mathers turned to the DJ and said, "Make this beat faster. Shit is about to get interesting."
The tempo of the music increased as Mr. Mathers turned the the microphone and said,
"The Western Europeans weren't satisfied and started stealing. They conquered Africa and The Americas and the indigenous people were left to die. They sailed around the ocean and caused a huge commotion until some of them were unhappy and found a new land of their own. These Americans ruled by the king didn't want to pay for anything so they threw their tea in the sea and a rebellion turned into a war and America was born. The Americans stole land from the natives and bought Africans and on the backs of slave labor an industry was born. Then they argued over taxation and split into two nations, the southern states lost outright but still fly their rebel flag. The sudden lack of slavery forced innovation and industry though the people they had freed were not welcome in their homes."
He paused and said, "As we approach the twentieth century in the time that's allotted to me I implore you to stay with me because we have a ways to go.
Mr. Mathers took a deep breath. He took a sip from a bottle of water. The leaders of the world stood on the edge of the stage and shouted for him to continue. The alien delegation sat in the front of the crowd and leaned toward the edge of their seats. Mr. Mathers returned to the microphone with a minute to spare and said,
"The plane and automobile made it easier for armies to kill guns became more mechanized and the world went to war. Twenty years go by and allies lied and attacked the sleeping giant guys and the Nazi's met our G.I.'s and the Japanese got nuked. The corporations reaped from the war and filled their coffers even more and the human race has been at war every since that time. Philosophers like Hesse and Sartre contemplated our existence, while Ghandi and Malcolm X made resistance their cause. The Ashkenazi took the Holy Land and forced out the Palestinians who had thought they'd have a homeland until the treaty of Balfour. Now the governments cater to the rich and the rest of us are their bitch. Individual rights are as sacred as they don't interfere with the bottom line. That's my best summation of history and why you asked for me is a mystery but let me before the first to say to an alien race..."
The timer buzzed. The alien delegation murmured amongst themselves for a moment before turning to Mr. Mathers and saying, "What was it you wanted to say to us?"
Mr. Mathers smiled from ear to ear as he pointed his two middle fingers to the alien delegation and said, "Blow me." | Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The world went gay
And now, we straight
We went on this crooked path of hate
And were late to the state that our minds could take
It hurt us
So proud of our ways, didn’t know of better parts to end our days
We stayed, and built bombs in our caves
I could go on about the messages they made
Ignored in ways that put shame to their names, we never knew what was coming and now we are paying tributes to our pains
The world turned, it burned, tried to escape this place but it’s like we never learned and laws we torn
I feel scorned, we can only spin in our circles so long while we mourn
What is this place? Don’t ask me, I’d say it was disgrace.
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The Short, impossibly broad Alien stared up toward Eminem, his snub face portraying what humans would detect as arrogance, "well, humanoid? Are you going to explain your short, uneventful history to us or not? You've got five minutes to sway us Farriquark to not blow up your planet with the Plasma Reducer Canon. So, begin."
Eminem looked on, dejected, pissed off. The Aliens were a morally perfect being, destroying us because the greed and evil that mankind possesses was "dangerous to the universe" according to the Farriquark.
Shady looked down, his brow scrunched in deep thought, Mic groped firmly in his white-knuckled fist.
A twinkle in his eye glowed, he raised the Mic to his lips...
*Yo, people, listen up. I Guess it's happenin,
The Freaks across the Galactic neighbourhood been snoopin round some,
Well, merry christmas, you found us, living alone, mindin' our business,
Tryin'a correct our planet's sickness from the pollution of oily slickness,
You see, billions of years ago we formed an atmosphere with plants,
Then evolution happened, till you have Shady's ass in pants,
You had Cleopatra, Stonehenge, Jiroft then China
Oh, by the way, Cleo's kid, Caesarion, didn't come out her vagina
Cuniform gave writing, Egyptian papyrus citin' all the fightin' our species had from simply slightin',
Philosophy, science, reading and math,
The pillars of reasoning tryin'a save our greedy ass,
But despite all our knowledge, like, hello!? We know what's right,
there's a little light, flashing bright, every night in every fuckin' bum's plight,
And so we destroy and fight, givin' rise to hate and spite,
Wreckin' everything in sight, until we get our little green notes kept tight,
Stackin' em up till we die hollow alright, human beings ain't done nothin' right
I guess, what I'm saying is, we are a pile of shit,
Despite knowin' how to fly to outer space in our cockpit,
We've killed animals, destroyed our home, killed each other for the hell-of-it.
We are a bunch of immoral bums,
Fuck! I somehow hate the one I'm meant to call mum
But no matter how bad we might seem to be,
Through wars and death and life's atrocities
We still come together, one humanity,
Risin', fighting' for a chance to be like you, and succeed*
Stan drops the Mic and walks out, the Aliens pulverised and reduced to liquid waste by his rap for humanity.
He had saved the world with his medium of anger-induced rhyme.
WTF.
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | “Mr. President, the aliens are here at the atmosphere, and we think that the first time we make contact is near,” spoke the leading general.
“Johnson! You need to figure out what this message says!”
“It’s some type of request, Mr. President, but we cannot figure out what it means. It’s some type of request for a king of some sorts. Maybe a god. We can’t tell for now.”
“Well you need to figure it out immediately!”
Johnson went to work with his team. They tried to decipher the codes that they had received via satellite transmission and could not figure out what exactly the aliens were trying to tell them.
“Wait, maybe this word is ‘OF’ and this word is ‘RAP’? Maybe this word, no, I’m not sure. It definitely appears to be a C, O, N, T,” spoke one of the leading members of the team, “is the next letter an ‘R’?”
After countless hours of work, the team had finally hit a breakthrough, “I got it! I got it!” Exclaimed a sergeant, “It’s says, ‘We want to speak to the god of king rap, better known as the controversy.’”
“But that doesn’t make any sense Sergeant,” replied the General, “maybe it’s the wrong order.”
As they sat together for a few moments, they started to use their human-like brainpower. All of the sudden, it clicked in their heads.
“WE WANT TO SPEAK TO THE KING OF CONTROVERSY, BETTER KNOWN AS THE RAP GOD.”
“You mean?” Said the General in disbelief. “Get him on the phone.”
“What do you mean you need to talk to my man, Marshall? He doesn’t have time for this whack ass shit, he’s working on an album and not telling his fucking fans about it, fuck off homie.”
”What up Dre?”
“Check this out, Slim, I gotta talk to ya, I don’t know it just seems ever since you got off ya, drugs you became a lot softer… Wait, we aren’t recording. Slim, some aliens want to talk to ya!”
“What?”
“I don’t know man, some aliens want you to explain the history of the earth to them in five minutes.”
“So what, should I just throw them the Slim Shady LP and the Marshall Mathers LP and say this was like 15 years ago, fuck it bro, if you want to hear the history from me, I do A Capella’s now, yo. No forreal, Dre, we gotta stop talking to each other is verses and rhymes n shit, the fuck we doing man.
“Ha ha, like ‘AYO EM!?’”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t kill nobody this time.”
“ALRIGHT, GOD DAMN. What the fuck, mother fuck. Why the fuck you always doing this shit man. Now I need to make a withdrawal. So what the fuck man. Do I gotta talk to them or what?”
“I don’t know man. The Pentagon needs to talk to you and they need to get you out to D.C. immediately. Not the D.O.C., the District of Columbia, man. Get the fuck outta here. I’ll be right here waiting on you. Yeah, tell them D.C. people that I ain’t in your basement anymore and I’m alive. I barely paid taxes since I made the billions, ha ha.”
“What the fuck…”
Em dials the phone.
“Hello, I heard you needed to speak to me?”
“Yes, we do. Wait, how do you know the number of the Pentagon?”
“I don’t know, back in like ’03 someone gave me this number, saying I’d probably have to save the human race one day. It’s a bit ironic right? Shit’s been in my phone since. I don't know I was high as fuck. I been thinking about facking deleting it, but ya never know man.”
“We need you to come to D.C. right away. You need to make first contact with these aliens. They seem to want Slim Shady.”
“Damn man, I’ve created a monster. ‘Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I’m chopped liver.”
“We will have a plane over to you in an hour.”
“Man, I got my own plane, I’ll be there in an hour. AYO DRE!”
“Yo!?”
“To the rap mobile! Let’s go!”
Eminem and Dre arrive at the Pentagon in about two hours, since they had to walk all the way through the K-Mart mansion and the elevator was broken since it was stuck at the basement from some time before, no one knows why for sure…
“Dre, I think that song idea was NASTY on the way over, I can't wait to lay that shit down! Hot damn. I’ma show these mother fuckers I’m the dopest MC! These aliens ain’t got shit on me. Something like that. That’s like what swag juice. We gotta rework it. Yo, what’s up, General?”
“Finally! You’ve made it. Quick into the command room. We need to discuss how this will go down.
“Man, don’t worry, man. I got this. I basically turned an entire human population into a playground that I get to play in. Except I don’t leave my house. So fuck it. I got this.”
Marshall turned around and started walking to the command room. He saw the nearest bathroom that he could fack in or drop a football and also saw a young marine waiting there with a piece of toilet paper and a pen with the name “Todd” on his uniform.
“Aight so, what’s going down Gen? How we handling this?”
“You need to be calm. You need to understand that this is not to be taken lightly! You have five minutes…”
Em cut him off, “Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim Shady you’re on.”
“No five minutes.”
“I promised my fucking critics, that I wouldn’t say fuckin for six minutes. Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim shady, you’re on…”
“Oh we’re doomed,” the General looked up, “Mr. President, Eminem made it!”
The President was standing there with a huge smile on his face and a piece of toilet paper and a pen. “Hello Marshall. Nice to meet you.”
“Six minutes, six minutes…”
“I think he’s broken?”
“Slim Shady you’re on… I’m ready.”
“Great news, Marshall. Let’s get you in contact.”
Marshall went up to the contact station and he spoke into the microphone. “Ayo?”
The room went silent.
“Hello?” Said a suspiciously strange voice. “Is this Eminem?”
A drip a sweat fell from his face. He responded, “Eurghhh. No. This isn’t Eminem. It’s Ken Kaniff. Ken Kaniff from Connecticut. Do you want to get a hotel room with me? I’ll lick your alien balls and suck your big fat alien dicks until you make my planets explode. I’ll melt in your ass you little alien boy. Do you know what gerbils are? Urerghhh.”
The call went silent.
“Rub my back. Rub my back. Rub my back. Urerggh. Wait. Hello? Urerghhh."
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The universe burst from the big bang
Strange particles fused and became the frame
Time sprang and space couldn't stay the same
Deny the past but the facts still run the game
Now let me state
In different states matter arose
In different chains proteins have grown
In different states you can fuck a goat
But evolution is where all have grown
Life started as a single cell
An amoeba with a reason to prevail
In hell no energy to divide
Met a bitch named Mito to put inside
Right? So when that chick came the brakes fell off
Two cells ate one like stroganoff
No strokin off, need atp
So those two cells became 4 in 3
Billion years. Now we have billions of ears
Listenin on while I glisten on this track paid for dvds and mtv.
Marshall | Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Look, it went down like this
slime comin' out of the primordial pit
started in the ocean, then we grew some legs
Homo-erectus comin' home with swag
tribal at first, a couple of spears
then came fire, then clothes, then wheels
before you knew it, we were gettin' real smart
science and math, culture and art
made up some Gods, so we could sleep at night son
killed everybody who didn't believe in the right one
now we here and not much has changed
learned how to smile, learned how to shave
we did some bad things... mostly to the Jews
but we're still all learnin' how to chill and be cool
So, alien dude, don't kill us please
I just gave you our history, in a cold 16 | Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | "You want me to do what?"
The question didn’t come as a surprise to me, this wasn't how I expected my day to go either. Far from being one of the 'coffee and paperwork' days I usually go through.
"Mr. Mathers..."
"First off, you said aliens, right? Are these the 'jump out of your chest and bite your face off' aliens, or are they more...chill?"
As I explained the situation once again, I marveled at sheer absurdity of my job. Usually, I was phoning celebrities to ask for their attendance at large events, to sing at the super bowl or similar events. Funnily enough, very few musicians wanted to perform for aliens.
"...anyways, Mr. Mathers, it has been requested that our history as a species be presented to the...visitor, in a series of five or less songs. Minuets, to be specific. To be completely honest you were nearly last on the list of possibilities, but we've reached a point where we have to ask. Will you perform minuets about our world history for the aliens?"
"Did you ever consider, I don’t know, a classical musician? Or a ballerina, or something? I don’t know if you realize, lady, but I'm not really performing minuets on a daily basis."
"The instrumentalists asked were mainly concerned for the safety of their instruments. Apparently violins and slime don't get along."
"Look, I'll figure something out," he eventually sighed. "Don’t get your hopes up too much, but I'll give it a try."
"You only have one shot, Mr. Mathers. I'll see you this afternoon. Our world, and their world, are watching."
~~~
Three hours later, in the same oversized t-shirt, he stood in a slightly dingy boardroom across the table from the alien. As I, a few security guards, and a cameraman watched, he hiked up his jeans and sat at the small keyboard that had been hastily set up.
The past few hours had been filled with consultations about the best and worst parts of human history, what should be conveyed or left out, as well as broad questions about the aliens' understanding of music or emotion.
As Eminem began to play, all eyes were on the alien, hoping that extraterrestrial body language was similar enough to that of humans that we would be able to gauge the reaction. My heart was beating into my throat as this point, as the musical tale being told skimmed over geologic history, the beginning of life, and pre-human evolution in one short and slow minuet, the ancient civilizations and scientific findings wrapped up in another before modern history and wars. As the final notes of the fourth minuet rang out, we waited, palms sweaty and knees weak, with bated breath, for the last minuet.
Looking calm and ready, he dropped his fingers to the keys once again. This minuet was the future. The aliens seemed to want to learn about us as a species, it was only fair that they see our drive to make advancements and to improve scientifically. We also hoped it would keep them from wiping us out, in case that was their intent.
It was over. Eminem stood up slowly and joined us near the door.
"Now what?" He whispered to the nearest security person.
"Stay there," she responded. "We have to wait for a response or something."
Finally, the alien spoke. Grunted. Made some unintelligible noises. The translation systems kicked in and a computerized male voice rang out.
"That was much longer than five minutes." | Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem stands underneath a single beam of light..fists clenched, sweaty, his mom packed him some spaghetti...
He takes a deep breath.."five minutes." he tells himself over and over in his head..
He looks around in the dark abyss surrounding him, he can't see them but he can feel them...glaring...watching his every movement...it was time..
He clears his throat, takes a breath.....and says..
"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!" | Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | *Read to pace of [Rap God](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbGs_qK2PQA).
Look, I was go easy on us to not hurt their feelings
But I'm only going to get this one chance.
Something's wrong, I can feel it.
5 minutes. They have 5 minutes, Shady, come on!
Just a feeling I've got
Like someone will try to shoot you, or ask to see your butt.
If human beings do to you what they do to beings
You're in trouble, big trouble.
Maybe with an explanation your opinion I'll sway.
And our destruction you won't order
[Hook 1]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
[Verse 1]
Jus let me explain the history of Earth before you kill with laser beams
Before you blasted off your fat rocket
A big bang went bang got planets off it
Earth's water, cells were livin' off it
After the oceans stopped being full of ac-id
Things evolved until they grew a back
bone and walked onto land mass
For a while things all went well
Dinosaurs, oh a comet? (killed em all, it)
This zippity rippity big rock
From the sky hit ground with a big loud crash
With a crackety crash dust in the air like a cosmic gat
Earth cools things die holy crap
And at the exact same time
Some life forms stood up became vertical backed
Used tools made cloths
Made spears fought tigers cracked skulls in half
These changes they were iconic
Early form of the being that be standing here and rap
Food we learned to grow, and then found H bombs
Hm up let me back
Humans are having a tough time period, still using gas
Its actually disastrously bad to be smart
But not travel at light speed like you clearly have
[Hook 2]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
Let me show you our history isn't that hard, that hard
Because since Roman times aside from iphones
We haven't gone all that far
[Verse 2]
Well to be truthful I did skip
When we moved steel across flint
Made fire and we used it
To stay warm in that cold and
Make swords in order to loot and pill-age (pew)
Wow your space ship is really cool, wish
I could use it to "blow the mind"
Of that stupid Kim bitch
Who's she? A product of jism, Contin Oxy, PS add an 'M',
Oh hey who cares I'm off topic and I forgot my name's Slim
I'm a human with a weird brain
Who now is a musician
What's music? Here listen.
Nevermind I as sayin', Romans came
Fought against the church but still it came
Then Christ Yaweh Muhammed, The trick?
They're all the same
You probably think we're lame, still driving cars and planes
Wow you stink and, please tell me what's that pink thing?
Whattya say little boy?
Do aliens have gender they're faces are the same, is it a boy?
You're probably reading our thoughts with the clarity we watch
Subtitles on screen during "Old Boy."
Okay, okay, back on topic little alien boy.
Ease up calm down relax
Holy shit it touched me and I can't feel my face vey oy.
It's back, ok. Where was I? Ya weh?
After that we, built castles had serfs made boats
Met people couldn't understand what they say
Found gold found oil made cars
Fucked a lot and that brings us to today.
[Hook 3]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Sorry for the space trash
Don't blame me blame Tesla, Tesla
Tony Stark of the real world, smart but dad bod
Hindus? Where they at?
I don't know but they have 72 Gods.
EDIT: It sounds right in my brain but I also know that song too well to be healthy, because I have my priorities in order.
| Hopped out the trees yo
about a quarter million years ago
chilled in africa carvin' rocks and spears
for the next two hundred thousand years
Then out of Africa we went
to every other continent
Started planting different crops
and raising yummy livestock
killed off all the mastodon
by the time the iron age had come
nomads no more and no more caves
and then we reached the copper age
Neanderthals were now all gone
by the time we reached the age of bronze
The egyptians and babylonians
built cities where their rivers run
They also built some pyramids
just like the maya and aztec did
Then came the greeks and then came rome
to the far east arose the jin and song
for a thousand years the empire reigned
until those nasty germans came
and sometime in there there would be
a belief called christianity
The light of Rome could not be saved
So began the darker age
with very little progress made
christians and all their crusades
vikings sailed out from the norse
sacking cities along the rivers' course
further east mighty islam rose
Mongols protected the great silk road
The silk road goods the asians made
But also brought the dreaded plague
millions died could not be saved
kept humans in a darker age
Then humans started getting smart
so began the renaissance
it saw new thoughts of life and arts
and a great age of exploration start
This saw a little island conquer
Just about the entire world
But while England thought they were the best
It was spain who finally sailed west
Columbus said the world was round
thats how the new world was found
there were some native people there
but they killed them off, they didn't care
So while Europe warred every year or two
America, it slowly grew
Soon they thought it would be cool
To rid themselves of british rule
From france came one Napoleon
Who fought with just about everyone
He went all the way to Russia too
but was done in for good at Waterloo
Then in America came civil war
The likes of which had never seen before
The north won and freed the slaves
But the world was in for bloodier days
The Great war in early 1900's
Saw many men all blown asunder
This new warfare had heavy costs
Eventually the Germans lost
Hit with terms that really hurt
they soon came back and conquered europe
The whole world was soon involved
Until the yankees dropped the bomb
Things would never be as they were before
after the second world war
The US had nukes so did the reds
Enough to make everybody dead
And so a new type of war took hold
Not one that's hot but one thats cold
The world stood at the 11th hour
At the mercy of Nuclear super powers
The Iron curtain made things fucked
but it was certain communism sucked
people would rather be free
though it took till 89 to see
So the US came out on top
But just like Rome, they're on the clock
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Mr. Mathers walked up to the microphone and tapped it twice saying, "Is this thing on?"
A few moments later a beat played over the speakers. Mr. Mathers took a deep breath and began,
"Well, homo sapiens are hominids like Neanderthals and Denisovians, we outcompeted them for dominance a very long time ago. Hunter-gatherers became agrarian and eventually Sumerian and the first city states became prevalent nearly ten-thousand years ago."
Fifteen seconds had passed and he took a deeper breath before saying,
"We moved to cities and tamed the wilderness and each generation had some kids and our knowledge grew with iteration as the passage of time flowed. Priests mandated religion as a necessary fiction to teach morality to the simple man and live without doing work while the philosophers kept questioning and writing and lecturing though if you meet one today you'd think they were a jerk."
Another breath and forty-seven seconds into the presentation, Mr. Mathers increased his tempo and said,
"City-states turned to nation-states and armies formed as kings would state that the other men of the other tribe really had to go. Macedonians tried to rule the world till their leader died for reasons unknown. There was Darius, The Zhou Dynasty, Caesar and Xerxes each tried to rule the world and died mysteriously or alone. While the common man was sent to war, he'd fight and die and live through horror and those who had the luck to live never really came back home."
One minute and thirty seconds into his presentation, Mr. Mathers said,
"Rome split into two empires one fell to raiders and the other had a thousand years persist throughout the world. Mongolians crossed the wastes and plundered Europe for a taste of the riches and victories that they had longed for at home. Then Europeans got organized and the Catholic Church told them a lie and suddenly the mobilized to attack their savior's home. Each side thinking they were holy it's the same old story. The peasants fought while leaders stay a thousand miles from war. They brought back Algebra and science from the so-called savages from Africa and science in The West had finally found it's home."
Two minutes and thirty seconds into his presentation, Mr. Mathers turned to the DJ and said, "Make this beat faster. Shit is about to get interesting."
The tempo of the music increased as Mr. Mathers turned the the microphone and said,
"The Western Europeans weren't satisfied and started stealing. They conquered Africa and The Americas and the indigenous people were left to die. They sailed around the ocean and caused a huge commotion until some of them were unhappy and found a new land of their own. These Americans ruled by the king didn't want to pay for anything so they threw their tea in the sea and a rebellion turned into a war and America was born. The Americans stole land from the natives and bought Africans and on the backs of slave labor an industry was born. Then they argued over taxation and split into two nations, the southern states lost outright but still fly their rebel flag. The sudden lack of slavery forced innovation and industry though the people they had freed were not welcome in their homes."
He paused and said, "As we approach the twentieth century in the time that's allotted to me I implore you to stay with me because we have a ways to go.
Mr. Mathers took a deep breath. He took a sip from a bottle of water. The leaders of the world stood on the edge of the stage and shouted for him to continue. The alien delegation sat in the front of the crowd and leaned toward the edge of their seats. Mr. Mathers returned to the microphone with a minute to spare and said,
"The plane and automobile made it easier for armies to kill guns became more mechanized and the world went to war. Twenty years go by and allies lied and attacked the sleeping giant guys and the Nazi's met our G.I.'s and the Japanese got nuked. The corporations reaped from the war and filled their coffers even more and the human race has been at war every since that time. Philosophers like Hesse and Sartre contemplated our existence, while Ghandi and Malcolm X made resistance their cause. The Ashkenazi took the Holy Land and forced out the Palestinians who had thought they'd have a homeland until the treaty of Balfour. Now the governments cater to the rich and the rest of us are their bitch. Individual rights are as sacred as they don't interfere with the bottom line. That's my best summation of history and why you asked for me is a mystery but let me before the first to say to an alien race..."
The timer buzzed. The alien delegation murmured amongst themselves for a moment before turning to Mr. Mathers and saying, "What was it you wanted to say to us?"
Mr. Mathers smiled from ear to ear as he pointed his two middle fingers to the alien delegation and said, "Blow me." | Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The world went gay
And now, we straight
We went on this crooked path of hate
And were late to the state that our minds could take
It hurt us
So proud of our ways, didn’t know of better parts to end our days
We stayed, and built bombs in our caves
I could go on about the messages they made
Ignored in ways that put shame to their names, we never knew what was coming and now we are paying tributes to our pains
The world turned, it burned, tried to escape this place but it’s like we never learned and laws we torn
I feel scorned, we can only spin in our circles so long while we mourn
What is this place? Don’t ask me, I’d say it was disgrace.
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The Short, impossibly broad Alien stared up toward Eminem, his snub face portraying what humans would detect as arrogance, "well, humanoid? Are you going to explain your short, uneventful history to us or not? You've got five minutes to sway us Farriquark to not blow up your planet with the Plasma Reducer Canon. So, begin."
Eminem looked on, dejected, pissed off. The Aliens were a morally perfect being, destroying us because the greed and evil that mankind possesses was "dangerous to the universe" according to the Farriquark.
Shady looked down, his brow scrunched in deep thought, Mic groped firmly in his white-knuckled fist.
A twinkle in his eye glowed, he raised the Mic to his lips...
*Yo, people, listen up. I Guess it's happenin,
The Freaks across the Galactic neighbourhood been snoopin round some,
Well, merry christmas, you found us, living alone, mindin' our business,
Tryin'a correct our planet's sickness from the pollution of oily slickness,
You see, billions of years ago we formed an atmosphere with plants,
Then evolution happened, till you have Shady's ass in pants,
You had Cleopatra, Stonehenge, Jiroft then China
Oh, by the way, Cleo's kid, Caesarion, didn't come out her vagina
Cuniform gave writing, Egyptian papyrus citin' all the fightin' our species had from simply slightin',
Philosophy, science, reading and math,
The pillars of reasoning tryin'a save our greedy ass,
But despite all our knowledge, like, hello!? We know what's right,
there's a little light, flashing bright, every night in every fuckin' bum's plight,
And so we destroy and fight, givin' rise to hate and spite,
Wreckin' everything in sight, until we get our little green notes kept tight,
Stackin' em up till we die hollow alright, human beings ain't done nothin' right
I guess, what I'm saying is, we are a pile of shit,
Despite knowin' how to fly to outer space in our cockpit,
We've killed animals, destroyed our home, killed each other for the hell-of-it.
We are a bunch of immoral bums,
Fuck! I somehow hate the one I'm meant to call mum
But no matter how bad we might seem to be,
Through wars and death and life's atrocities
We still come together, one humanity,
Risin', fighting' for a chance to be like you, and succeed*
Stan drops the Mic and walks out, the Aliens pulverised and reduced to liquid waste by his rap for humanity.
He had saved the world with his medium of anger-induced rhyme.
WTF.
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | “Mr. President, the aliens are here at the atmosphere, and we think that the first time we make contact is near,” spoke the leading general.
“Johnson! You need to figure out what this message says!”
“It’s some type of request, Mr. President, but we cannot figure out what it means. It’s some type of request for a king of some sorts. Maybe a god. We can’t tell for now.”
“Well you need to figure it out immediately!”
Johnson went to work with his team. They tried to decipher the codes that they had received via satellite transmission and could not figure out what exactly the aliens were trying to tell them.
“Wait, maybe this word is ‘OF’ and this word is ‘RAP’? Maybe this word, no, I’m not sure. It definitely appears to be a C, O, N, T,” spoke one of the leading members of the team, “is the next letter an ‘R’?”
After countless hours of work, the team had finally hit a breakthrough, “I got it! I got it!” Exclaimed a sergeant, “It’s says, ‘We want to speak to the god of king rap, better known as the controversy.’”
“But that doesn’t make any sense Sergeant,” replied the General, “maybe it’s the wrong order.”
As they sat together for a few moments, they started to use their human-like brainpower. All of the sudden, it clicked in their heads.
“WE WANT TO SPEAK TO THE KING OF CONTROVERSY, BETTER KNOWN AS THE RAP GOD.”
“You mean?” Said the General in disbelief. “Get him on the phone.”
“What do you mean you need to talk to my man, Marshall? He doesn’t have time for this whack ass shit, he’s working on an album and not telling his fucking fans about it, fuck off homie.”
”What up Dre?”
“Check this out, Slim, I gotta talk to ya, I don’t know it just seems ever since you got off ya, drugs you became a lot softer… Wait, we aren’t recording. Slim, some aliens want to talk to ya!”
“What?”
“I don’t know man, some aliens want you to explain the history of the earth to them in five minutes.”
“So what, should I just throw them the Slim Shady LP and the Marshall Mathers LP and say this was like 15 years ago, fuck it bro, if you want to hear the history from me, I do A Capella’s now, yo. No forreal, Dre, we gotta stop talking to each other is verses and rhymes n shit, the fuck we doing man.
“Ha ha, like ‘AYO EM!?’”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t kill nobody this time.”
“ALRIGHT, GOD DAMN. What the fuck, mother fuck. Why the fuck you always doing this shit man. Now I need to make a withdrawal. So what the fuck man. Do I gotta talk to them or what?”
“I don’t know man. The Pentagon needs to talk to you and they need to get you out to D.C. immediately. Not the D.O.C., the District of Columbia, man. Get the fuck outta here. I’ll be right here waiting on you. Yeah, tell them D.C. people that I ain’t in your basement anymore and I’m alive. I barely paid taxes since I made the billions, ha ha.”
“What the fuck…”
Em dials the phone.
“Hello, I heard you needed to speak to me?”
“Yes, we do. Wait, how do you know the number of the Pentagon?”
“I don’t know, back in like ’03 someone gave me this number, saying I’d probably have to save the human race one day. It’s a bit ironic right? Shit’s been in my phone since. I don't know I was high as fuck. I been thinking about facking deleting it, but ya never know man.”
“We need you to come to D.C. right away. You need to make first contact with these aliens. They seem to want Slim Shady.”
“Damn man, I’ve created a monster. ‘Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I’m chopped liver.”
“We will have a plane over to you in an hour.”
“Man, I got my own plane, I’ll be there in an hour. AYO DRE!”
“Yo!?”
“To the rap mobile! Let’s go!”
Eminem and Dre arrive at the Pentagon in about two hours, since they had to walk all the way through the K-Mart mansion and the elevator was broken since it was stuck at the basement from some time before, no one knows why for sure…
“Dre, I think that song idea was NASTY on the way over, I can't wait to lay that shit down! Hot damn. I’ma show these mother fuckers I’m the dopest MC! These aliens ain’t got shit on me. Something like that. That’s like what swag juice. We gotta rework it. Yo, what’s up, General?”
“Finally! You’ve made it. Quick into the command room. We need to discuss how this will go down.
“Man, don’t worry, man. I got this. I basically turned an entire human population into a playground that I get to play in. Except I don’t leave my house. So fuck it. I got this.”
Marshall turned around and started walking to the command room. He saw the nearest bathroom that he could fack in or drop a football and also saw a young marine waiting there with a piece of toilet paper and a pen with the name “Todd” on his uniform.
“Aight so, what’s going down Gen? How we handling this?”
“You need to be calm. You need to understand that this is not to be taken lightly! You have five minutes…”
Em cut him off, “Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim Shady you’re on.”
“No five minutes.”
“I promised my fucking critics, that I wouldn’t say fuckin for six minutes. Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim shady, you’re on…”
“Oh we’re doomed,” the General looked up, “Mr. President, Eminem made it!”
The President was standing there with a huge smile on his face and a piece of toilet paper and a pen. “Hello Marshall. Nice to meet you.”
“Six minutes, six minutes…”
“I think he’s broken?”
“Slim Shady you’re on… I’m ready.”
“Great news, Marshall. Let’s get you in contact.”
Marshall went up to the contact station and he spoke into the microphone. “Ayo?”
The room went silent.
“Hello?” Said a suspiciously strange voice. “Is this Eminem?”
A drip a sweat fell from his face. He responded, “Eurghhh. No. This isn’t Eminem. It’s Ken Kaniff. Ken Kaniff from Connecticut. Do you want to get a hotel room with me? I’ll lick your alien balls and suck your big fat alien dicks until you make my planets explode. I’ll melt in your ass you little alien boy. Do you know what gerbils are? Urerghhh.”
The call went silent.
“Rub my back. Rub my back. Rub my back. Urerggh. Wait. Hello? Urerghhh."
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The universe burst from the big bang
Strange particles fused and became the frame
Time sprang and space couldn't stay the same
Deny the past but the facts still run the game
Now let me state
In different states matter arose
In different chains proteins have grown
In different states you can fuck a goat
But evolution is where all have grown
Life started as a single cell
An amoeba with a reason to prevail
In hell no energy to divide
Met a bitch named Mito to put inside
Right? So when that chick came the brakes fell off
Two cells ate one like stroganoff
No strokin off, need atp
So those two cells became 4 in 3
Billion years. Now we have billions of ears
Listenin on while I glisten on this track paid for dvds and mtv.
Marshall | Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Look, it went down like this
slime comin' out of the primordial pit
started in the ocean, then we grew some legs
Homo-erectus comin' home with swag
tribal at first, a couple of spears
then came fire, then clothes, then wheels
before you knew it, we were gettin' real smart
science and math, culture and art
made up some Gods, so we could sleep at night son
killed everybody who didn't believe in the right one
now we here and not much has changed
learned how to smile, learned how to shave
we did some bad things... mostly to the Jews
but we're still all learnin' how to chill and be cool
So, alien dude, don't kill us please
I just gave you our history, in a cold 16 | Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | "You want me to do what?"
The question didn’t come as a surprise to me, this wasn't how I expected my day to go either. Far from being one of the 'coffee and paperwork' days I usually go through.
"Mr. Mathers..."
"First off, you said aliens, right? Are these the 'jump out of your chest and bite your face off' aliens, or are they more...chill?"
As I explained the situation once again, I marveled at sheer absurdity of my job. Usually, I was phoning celebrities to ask for their attendance at large events, to sing at the super bowl or similar events. Funnily enough, very few musicians wanted to perform for aliens.
"...anyways, Mr. Mathers, it has been requested that our history as a species be presented to the...visitor, in a series of five or less songs. Minuets, to be specific. To be completely honest you were nearly last on the list of possibilities, but we've reached a point where we have to ask. Will you perform minuets about our world history for the aliens?"
"Did you ever consider, I don’t know, a classical musician? Or a ballerina, or something? I don’t know if you realize, lady, but I'm not really performing minuets on a daily basis."
"The instrumentalists asked were mainly concerned for the safety of their instruments. Apparently violins and slime don't get along."
"Look, I'll figure something out," he eventually sighed. "Don’t get your hopes up too much, but I'll give it a try."
"You only have one shot, Mr. Mathers. I'll see you this afternoon. Our world, and their world, are watching."
~~~
Three hours later, in the same oversized t-shirt, he stood in a slightly dingy boardroom across the table from the alien. As I, a few security guards, and a cameraman watched, he hiked up his jeans and sat at the small keyboard that had been hastily set up.
The past few hours had been filled with consultations about the best and worst parts of human history, what should be conveyed or left out, as well as broad questions about the aliens' understanding of music or emotion.
As Eminem began to play, all eyes were on the alien, hoping that extraterrestrial body language was similar enough to that of humans that we would be able to gauge the reaction. My heart was beating into my throat as this point, as the musical tale being told skimmed over geologic history, the beginning of life, and pre-human evolution in one short and slow minuet, the ancient civilizations and scientific findings wrapped up in another before modern history and wars. As the final notes of the fourth minuet rang out, we waited, palms sweaty and knees weak, with bated breath, for the last minuet.
Looking calm and ready, he dropped his fingers to the keys once again. This minuet was the future. The aliens seemed to want to learn about us as a species, it was only fair that they see our drive to make advancements and to improve scientifically. We also hoped it would keep them from wiping us out, in case that was their intent.
It was over. Eminem stood up slowly and joined us near the door.
"Now what?" He whispered to the nearest security person.
"Stay there," she responded. "We have to wait for a response or something."
Finally, the alien spoke. Grunted. Made some unintelligible noises. The translation systems kicked in and a computerized male voice rang out.
"That was much longer than five minutes." | Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem stands underneath a single beam of light..fists clenched, sweaty, his mom packed him some spaghetti...
He takes a deep breath.."five minutes." he tells himself over and over in his head..
He looks around in the dark abyss surrounding him, he can't see them but he can feel them...glaring...watching his every movement...it was time..
He clears his throat, takes a breath.....and says..
"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!" | Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | *Read to pace of [Rap God](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbGs_qK2PQA).
Look, I was go easy on us to not hurt their feelings
But I'm only going to get this one chance.
Something's wrong, I can feel it.
5 minutes. They have 5 minutes, Shady, come on!
Just a feeling I've got
Like someone will try to shoot you, or ask to see your butt.
If human beings do to you what they do to beings
You're in trouble, big trouble.
Maybe with an explanation your opinion I'll sway.
And our destruction you won't order
[Hook 1]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
[Verse 1]
Jus let me explain the history of Earth before you kill with laser beams
Before you blasted off your fat rocket
A big bang went bang got planets off it
Earth's water, cells were livin' off it
After the oceans stopped being full of ac-id
Things evolved until they grew a back
bone and walked onto land mass
For a while things all went well
Dinosaurs, oh a comet? (killed em all, it)
This zippity rippity big rock
From the sky hit ground with a big loud crash
With a crackety crash dust in the air like a cosmic gat
Earth cools things die holy crap
And at the exact same time
Some life forms stood up became vertical backed
Used tools made cloths
Made spears fought tigers cracked skulls in half
These changes they were iconic
Early form of the being that be standing here and rap
Food we learned to grow, and then found H bombs
Hm up let me back
Humans are having a tough time period, still using gas
Its actually disastrously bad to be smart
But not travel at light speed like you clearly have
[Hook 2]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
Let me show you our history isn't that hard, that hard
Because since Roman times aside from iphones
We haven't gone all that far
[Verse 2]
Well to be truthful I did skip
When we moved steel across flint
Made fire and we used it
To stay warm in that cold and
Make swords in order to loot and pill-age (pew)
Wow your space ship is really cool, wish
I could use it to "blow the mind"
Of that stupid Kim bitch
Who's she? A product of jism, Contin Oxy, PS add an 'M',
Oh hey who cares I'm off topic and I forgot my name's Slim
I'm a human with a weird brain
Who now is a musician
What's music? Here listen.
Nevermind I as sayin', Romans came
Fought against the church but still it came
Then Christ Yaweh Muhammed, The trick?
They're all the same
You probably think we're lame, still driving cars and planes
Wow you stink and, please tell me what's that pink thing?
Whattya say little boy?
Do aliens have gender they're faces are the same, is it a boy?
You're probably reading our thoughts with the clarity we watch
Subtitles on screen during "Old Boy."
Okay, okay, back on topic little alien boy.
Ease up calm down relax
Holy shit it touched me and I can't feel my face vey oy.
It's back, ok. Where was I? Ya weh?
After that we, built castles had serfs made boats
Met people couldn't understand what they say
Found gold found oil made cars
Fucked a lot and that brings us to today.
[Hook 3]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Sorry for the space trash
Don't blame me blame Tesla, Tesla
Tony Stark of the real world, smart but dad bod
Hindus? Where they at?
I don't know but they have 72 Gods.
EDIT: It sounds right in my brain but I also know that song too well to be healthy, because I have my priorities in order.
| Welcome, extraterrestrials
I feel like we've met before-
But that was then-
I dun know what planet (I) was on
now I see you've found us
And a lesson is prolly warranted
Optimism advised-
I'll rock the rhythm
steady forward
But I can't lie,
Contradiction's had us since
Before the 40's
Poor authorities
And resistance squshed
Laboratories actin' on their orders
an pushin'- to cause horror but
my point is-
almost all of us abhor that order
You gotta think of our species like-
Slim when he saw ya- shady-
But don't you see me now?
I'm growing like on the daily
I got a daughter that I love
more than life-
Her name's Hailey
Yea we also got this thing
called love-
It's kinda crazy
But it's what makes humanity great
If I can say that-
Extending it to passion
I think askers'll stay back-
Shrink wrapping the reasons
You shouldn't keep us for biomass-
See how you be feelin' this rhythm?
S'why I played that-
People wanna change an progress-
The way forward isn't straight it's a test
But we gon stay fast
Just wait for us
Searchin' outer space
We're curious
maybe you could show us
Photos from your journey
We're pretty dope
If you get to know us
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The world went gay
And now, we straight
We went on this crooked path of hate
And were late to the state that our minds could take
It hurt us
So proud of our ways, didn’t know of better parts to end our days
We stayed, and built bombs in our caves
I could go on about the messages they made
Ignored in ways that put shame to their names, we never knew what was coming and now we are paying tributes to our pains
The world turned, it burned, tried to escape this place but it’s like we never learned and laws we torn
I feel scorned, we can only spin in our circles so long while we mourn
What is this place? Don’t ask me, I’d say it was disgrace.
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The Short, impossibly broad Alien stared up toward Eminem, his snub face portraying what humans would detect as arrogance, "well, humanoid? Are you going to explain your short, uneventful history to us or not? You've got five minutes to sway us Farriquark to not blow up your planet with the Plasma Reducer Canon. So, begin."
Eminem looked on, dejected, pissed off. The Aliens were a morally perfect being, destroying us because the greed and evil that mankind possesses was "dangerous to the universe" according to the Farriquark.
Shady looked down, his brow scrunched in deep thought, Mic groped firmly in his white-knuckled fist.
A twinkle in his eye glowed, he raised the Mic to his lips...
*Yo, people, listen up. I Guess it's happenin,
The Freaks across the Galactic neighbourhood been snoopin round some,
Well, merry christmas, you found us, living alone, mindin' our business,
Tryin'a correct our planet's sickness from the pollution of oily slickness,
You see, billions of years ago we formed an atmosphere with plants,
Then evolution happened, till you have Shady's ass in pants,
You had Cleopatra, Stonehenge, Jiroft then China
Oh, by the way, Cleo's kid, Caesarion, didn't come out her vagina
Cuniform gave writing, Egyptian papyrus citin' all the fightin' our species had from simply slightin',
Philosophy, science, reading and math,
The pillars of reasoning tryin'a save our greedy ass,
But despite all our knowledge, like, hello!? We know what's right,
there's a little light, flashing bright, every night in every fuckin' bum's plight,
And so we destroy and fight, givin' rise to hate and spite,
Wreckin' everything in sight, until we get our little green notes kept tight,
Stackin' em up till we die hollow alright, human beings ain't done nothin' right
I guess, what I'm saying is, we are a pile of shit,
Despite knowin' how to fly to outer space in our cockpit,
We've killed animals, destroyed our home, killed each other for the hell-of-it.
We are a bunch of immoral bums,
Fuck! I somehow hate the one I'm meant to call mum
But no matter how bad we might seem to be,
Through wars and death and life's atrocities
We still come together, one humanity,
Risin', fighting' for a chance to be like you, and succeed*
Stan drops the Mic and walks out, the Aliens pulverised and reduced to liquid waste by his rap for humanity.
He had saved the world with his medium of anger-induced rhyme.
WTF.
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | “Mr. President, the aliens are here at the atmosphere, and we think that the first time we make contact is near,” spoke the leading general.
“Johnson! You need to figure out what this message says!”
“It’s some type of request, Mr. President, but we cannot figure out what it means. It’s some type of request for a king of some sorts. Maybe a god. We can’t tell for now.”
“Well you need to figure it out immediately!”
Johnson went to work with his team. They tried to decipher the codes that they had received via satellite transmission and could not figure out what exactly the aliens were trying to tell them.
“Wait, maybe this word is ‘OF’ and this word is ‘RAP’? Maybe this word, no, I’m not sure. It definitely appears to be a C, O, N, T,” spoke one of the leading members of the team, “is the next letter an ‘R’?”
After countless hours of work, the team had finally hit a breakthrough, “I got it! I got it!” Exclaimed a sergeant, “It’s says, ‘We want to speak to the god of king rap, better known as the controversy.’”
“But that doesn’t make any sense Sergeant,” replied the General, “maybe it’s the wrong order.”
As they sat together for a few moments, they started to use their human-like brainpower. All of the sudden, it clicked in their heads.
“WE WANT TO SPEAK TO THE KING OF CONTROVERSY, BETTER KNOWN AS THE RAP GOD.”
“You mean?” Said the General in disbelief. “Get him on the phone.”
“What do you mean you need to talk to my man, Marshall? He doesn’t have time for this whack ass shit, he’s working on an album and not telling his fucking fans about it, fuck off homie.”
”What up Dre?”
“Check this out, Slim, I gotta talk to ya, I don’t know it just seems ever since you got off ya, drugs you became a lot softer… Wait, we aren’t recording. Slim, some aliens want to talk to ya!”
“What?”
“I don’t know man, some aliens want you to explain the history of the earth to them in five minutes.”
“So what, should I just throw them the Slim Shady LP and the Marshall Mathers LP and say this was like 15 years ago, fuck it bro, if you want to hear the history from me, I do A Capella’s now, yo. No forreal, Dre, we gotta stop talking to each other is verses and rhymes n shit, the fuck we doing man.
“Ha ha, like ‘AYO EM!?’”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t kill nobody this time.”
“ALRIGHT, GOD DAMN. What the fuck, mother fuck. Why the fuck you always doing this shit man. Now I need to make a withdrawal. So what the fuck man. Do I gotta talk to them or what?”
“I don’t know man. The Pentagon needs to talk to you and they need to get you out to D.C. immediately. Not the D.O.C., the District of Columbia, man. Get the fuck outta here. I’ll be right here waiting on you. Yeah, tell them D.C. people that I ain’t in your basement anymore and I’m alive. I barely paid taxes since I made the billions, ha ha.”
“What the fuck…”
Em dials the phone.
“Hello, I heard you needed to speak to me?”
“Yes, we do. Wait, how do you know the number of the Pentagon?”
“I don’t know, back in like ’03 someone gave me this number, saying I’d probably have to save the human race one day. It’s a bit ironic right? Shit’s been in my phone since. I don't know I was high as fuck. I been thinking about facking deleting it, but ya never know man.”
“We need you to come to D.C. right away. You need to make first contact with these aliens. They seem to want Slim Shady.”
“Damn man, I’ve created a monster. ‘Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I’m chopped liver.”
“We will have a plane over to you in an hour.”
“Man, I got my own plane, I’ll be there in an hour. AYO DRE!”
“Yo!?”
“To the rap mobile! Let’s go!”
Eminem and Dre arrive at the Pentagon in about two hours, since they had to walk all the way through the K-Mart mansion and the elevator was broken since it was stuck at the basement from some time before, no one knows why for sure…
“Dre, I think that song idea was NASTY on the way over, I can't wait to lay that shit down! Hot damn. I’ma show these mother fuckers I’m the dopest MC! These aliens ain’t got shit on me. Something like that. That’s like what swag juice. We gotta rework it. Yo, what’s up, General?”
“Finally! You’ve made it. Quick into the command room. We need to discuss how this will go down.
“Man, don’t worry, man. I got this. I basically turned an entire human population into a playground that I get to play in. Except I don’t leave my house. So fuck it. I got this.”
Marshall turned around and started walking to the command room. He saw the nearest bathroom that he could fack in or drop a football and also saw a young marine waiting there with a piece of toilet paper and a pen with the name “Todd” on his uniform.
“Aight so, what’s going down Gen? How we handling this?”
“You need to be calm. You need to understand that this is not to be taken lightly! You have five minutes…”
Em cut him off, “Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim Shady you’re on.”
“No five minutes.”
“I promised my fucking critics, that I wouldn’t say fuckin for six minutes. Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim shady, you’re on…”
“Oh we’re doomed,” the General looked up, “Mr. President, Eminem made it!”
The President was standing there with a huge smile on his face and a piece of toilet paper and a pen. “Hello Marshall. Nice to meet you.”
“Six minutes, six minutes…”
“I think he’s broken?”
“Slim Shady you’re on… I’m ready.”
“Great news, Marshall. Let’s get you in contact.”
Marshall went up to the contact station and he spoke into the microphone. “Ayo?”
The room went silent.
“Hello?” Said a suspiciously strange voice. “Is this Eminem?”
A drip a sweat fell from his face. He responded, “Eurghhh. No. This isn’t Eminem. It’s Ken Kaniff. Ken Kaniff from Connecticut. Do you want to get a hotel room with me? I’ll lick your alien balls and suck your big fat alien dicks until you make my planets explode. I’ll melt in your ass you little alien boy. Do you know what gerbils are? Urerghhh.”
The call went silent.
“Rub my back. Rub my back. Rub my back. Urerggh. Wait. Hello? Urerghhh."
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The universe burst from the big bang
Strange particles fused and became the frame
Time sprang and space couldn't stay the same
Deny the past but the facts still run the game
Now let me state
In different states matter arose
In different chains proteins have grown
In different states you can fuck a goat
But evolution is where all have grown
Life started as a single cell
An amoeba with a reason to prevail
In hell no energy to divide
Met a bitch named Mito to put inside
Right? So when that chick came the brakes fell off
Two cells ate one like stroganoff
No strokin off, need atp
So those two cells became 4 in 3
Billion years. Now we have billions of ears
Listenin on while I glisten on this track paid for dvds and mtv.
Marshall | The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Look, it went down like this
slime comin' out of the primordial pit
started in the ocean, then we grew some legs
Homo-erectus comin' home with swag
tribal at first, a couple of spears
then came fire, then clothes, then wheels
before you knew it, we were gettin' real smart
science and math, culture and art
made up some Gods, so we could sleep at night son
killed everybody who didn't believe in the right one
now we here and not much has changed
learned how to smile, learned how to shave
we did some bad things... mostly to the Jews
but we're still all learnin' how to chill and be cool
So, alien dude, don't kill us please
I just gave you our history, in a cold 16 | The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | "You want me to do what?"
The question didn’t come as a surprise to me, this wasn't how I expected my day to go either. Far from being one of the 'coffee and paperwork' days I usually go through.
"Mr. Mathers..."
"First off, you said aliens, right? Are these the 'jump out of your chest and bite your face off' aliens, or are they more...chill?"
As I explained the situation once again, I marveled at sheer absurdity of my job. Usually, I was phoning celebrities to ask for their attendance at large events, to sing at the super bowl or similar events. Funnily enough, very few musicians wanted to perform for aliens.
"...anyways, Mr. Mathers, it has been requested that our history as a species be presented to the...visitor, in a series of five or less songs. Minuets, to be specific. To be completely honest you were nearly last on the list of possibilities, but we've reached a point where we have to ask. Will you perform minuets about our world history for the aliens?"
"Did you ever consider, I don’t know, a classical musician? Or a ballerina, or something? I don’t know if you realize, lady, but I'm not really performing minuets on a daily basis."
"The instrumentalists asked were mainly concerned for the safety of their instruments. Apparently violins and slime don't get along."
"Look, I'll figure something out," he eventually sighed. "Don’t get your hopes up too much, but I'll give it a try."
"You only have one shot, Mr. Mathers. I'll see you this afternoon. Our world, and their world, are watching."
~~~
Three hours later, in the same oversized t-shirt, he stood in a slightly dingy boardroom across the table from the alien. As I, a few security guards, and a cameraman watched, he hiked up his jeans and sat at the small keyboard that had been hastily set up.
The past few hours had been filled with consultations about the best and worst parts of human history, what should be conveyed or left out, as well as broad questions about the aliens' understanding of music or emotion.
As Eminem began to play, all eyes were on the alien, hoping that extraterrestrial body language was similar enough to that of humans that we would be able to gauge the reaction. My heart was beating into my throat as this point, as the musical tale being told skimmed over geologic history, the beginning of life, and pre-human evolution in one short and slow minuet, the ancient civilizations and scientific findings wrapped up in another before modern history and wars. As the final notes of the fourth minuet rang out, we waited, palms sweaty and knees weak, with bated breath, for the last minuet.
Looking calm and ready, he dropped his fingers to the keys once again. This minuet was the future. The aliens seemed to want to learn about us as a species, it was only fair that they see our drive to make advancements and to improve scientifically. We also hoped it would keep them from wiping us out, in case that was their intent.
It was over. Eminem stood up slowly and joined us near the door.
"Now what?" He whispered to the nearest security person.
"Stay there," she responded. "We have to wait for a response or something."
Finally, the alien spoke. Grunted. Made some unintelligible noises. The translation systems kicked in and a computerized male voice rang out.
"That was much longer than five minutes." | The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem stands underneath a single beam of light..fists clenched, sweaty, his mom packed him some spaghetti...
He takes a deep breath.."five minutes." he tells himself over and over in his head..
He looks around in the dark abyss surrounding him, he can't see them but he can feel them...glaring...watching his every movement...it was time..
He clears his throat, takes a breath.....and says..
"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!" | The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | *Read to pace of [Rap God](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbGs_qK2PQA).
Look, I was go easy on us to not hurt their feelings
But I'm only going to get this one chance.
Something's wrong, I can feel it.
5 minutes. They have 5 minutes, Shady, come on!
Just a feeling I've got
Like someone will try to shoot you, or ask to see your butt.
If human beings do to you what they do to beings
You're in trouble, big trouble.
Maybe with an explanation your opinion I'll sway.
And our destruction you won't order
[Hook 1]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
[Verse 1]
Jus let me explain the history of Earth before you kill with laser beams
Before you blasted off your fat rocket
A big bang went bang got planets off it
Earth's water, cells were livin' off it
After the oceans stopped being full of ac-id
Things evolved until they grew a back
bone and walked onto land mass
For a while things all went well
Dinosaurs, oh a comet? (killed em all, it)
This zippity rippity big rock
From the sky hit ground with a big loud crash
With a crackety crash dust in the air like a cosmic gat
Earth cools things die holy crap
And at the exact same time
Some life forms stood up became vertical backed
Used tools made cloths
Made spears fought tigers cracked skulls in half
These changes they were iconic
Early form of the being that be standing here and rap
Food we learned to grow, and then found H bombs
Hm up let me back
Humans are having a tough time period, still using gas
Its actually disastrously bad to be smart
But not travel at light speed like you clearly have
[Hook 2]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
Let me show you our history isn't that hard, that hard
Because since Roman times aside from iphones
We haven't gone all that far
[Verse 2]
Well to be truthful I did skip
When we moved steel across flint
Made fire and we used it
To stay warm in that cold and
Make swords in order to loot and pill-age (pew)
Wow your space ship is really cool, wish
I could use it to "blow the mind"
Of that stupid Kim bitch
Who's she? A product of jism, Contin Oxy, PS add an 'M',
Oh hey who cares I'm off topic and I forgot my name's Slim
I'm a human with a weird brain
Who now is a musician
What's music? Here listen.
Nevermind I as sayin', Romans came
Fought against the church but still it came
Then Christ Yaweh Muhammed, The trick?
They're all the same
You probably think we're lame, still driving cars and planes
Wow you stink and, please tell me what's that pink thing?
Whattya say little boy?
Do aliens have gender they're faces are the same, is it a boy?
You're probably reading our thoughts with the clarity we watch
Subtitles on screen during "Old Boy."
Okay, okay, back on topic little alien boy.
Ease up calm down relax
Holy shit it touched me and I can't feel my face vey oy.
It's back, ok. Where was I? Ya weh?
After that we, built castles had serfs made boats
Met people couldn't understand what they say
Found gold found oil made cars
Fucked a lot and that brings us to today.
[Hook 3]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Sorry for the space trash
Don't blame me blame Tesla, Tesla
Tony Stark of the real world, smart but dad bod
Hindus? Where they at?
I don't know but they have 72 Gods.
EDIT: It sounds right in my brain but I also know that song too well to be healthy, because I have my priorities in order.
| The year is 2036. A space ship has just landed in the middle of the White House lawn. Two aliens step out. "Wow, this looks exactly how it looked on the telescope" utters the aliens to his alien friend. They are intergalactic tourists and wanted to see the President, which just happened to be Marshall Bruce Mathers III, having won the 2032 US Presidential Election for the Democrats against Kim Kardashain, who represented the Republicans. Mathers steps out in show and awe "What the fuck, I thought I gave up drugs" The Aliens proceed to walk slowly towards the president, menacingly, and then it happens...a voice is heard..."Can you tell us a history of Earth, but be quick, we've got to get home for dinner and my tummies rumbling?" The President jitterly responds "Uh...yeah...ok".
"You see in One Billion BC, the earth crashed into the sun, which created the moon, a planet for the Moon people. The Earth then went volcanic and the volcanic lava eventually turned into water after a few million years. Water attracted flies from other planets, who had sex and gave birth to child flies, who eventually turned into humans due to revolution. And then I was born, sold music and after that became presedent" The Aliens were intruiged but they couldn't stay, they quickly got into their space ship and flew off. President Mathers waves them goodbye and everyone lived happily ever after. |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The world went gay
And now, we straight
We went on this crooked path of hate
And were late to the state that our minds could take
It hurt us
So proud of our ways, didn’t know of better parts to end our days
We stayed, and built bombs in our caves
I could go on about the messages they made
Ignored in ways that put shame to their names, we never knew what was coming and now we are paying tributes to our pains
The world turned, it burned, tried to escape this place but it’s like we never learned and laws we torn
I feel scorned, we can only spin in our circles so long while we mourn
What is this place? Don’t ask me, I’d say it was disgrace.
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The Short, impossibly broad Alien stared up toward Eminem, his snub face portraying what humans would detect as arrogance, "well, humanoid? Are you going to explain your short, uneventful history to us or not? You've got five minutes to sway us Farriquark to not blow up your planet with the Plasma Reducer Canon. So, begin."
Eminem looked on, dejected, pissed off. The Aliens were a morally perfect being, destroying us because the greed and evil that mankind possesses was "dangerous to the universe" according to the Farriquark.
Shady looked down, his brow scrunched in deep thought, Mic groped firmly in his white-knuckled fist.
A twinkle in his eye glowed, he raised the Mic to his lips...
*Yo, people, listen up. I Guess it's happenin,
The Freaks across the Galactic neighbourhood been snoopin round some,
Well, merry christmas, you found us, living alone, mindin' our business,
Tryin'a correct our planet's sickness from the pollution of oily slickness,
You see, billions of years ago we formed an atmosphere with plants,
Then evolution happened, till you have Shady's ass in pants,
You had Cleopatra, Stonehenge, Jiroft then China
Oh, by the way, Cleo's kid, Caesarion, didn't come out her vagina
Cuniform gave writing, Egyptian papyrus citin' all the fightin' our species had from simply slightin',
Philosophy, science, reading and math,
The pillars of reasoning tryin'a save our greedy ass,
But despite all our knowledge, like, hello!? We know what's right,
there's a little light, flashing bright, every night in every fuckin' bum's plight,
And so we destroy and fight, givin' rise to hate and spite,
Wreckin' everything in sight, until we get our little green notes kept tight,
Stackin' em up till we die hollow alright, human beings ain't done nothin' right
I guess, what I'm saying is, we are a pile of shit,
Despite knowin' how to fly to outer space in our cockpit,
We've killed animals, destroyed our home, killed each other for the hell-of-it.
We are a bunch of immoral bums,
Fuck! I somehow hate the one I'm meant to call mum
But no matter how bad we might seem to be,
Through wars and death and life's atrocities
We still come together, one humanity,
Risin', fighting' for a chance to be like you, and succeed*
Stan drops the Mic and walks out, the Aliens pulverised and reduced to liquid waste by his rap for humanity.
He had saved the world with his medium of anger-induced rhyme.
WTF.
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | “Mr. President, the aliens are here at the atmosphere, and we think that the first time we make contact is near,” spoke the leading general.
“Johnson! You need to figure out what this message says!”
“It’s some type of request, Mr. President, but we cannot figure out what it means. It’s some type of request for a king of some sorts. Maybe a god. We can’t tell for now.”
“Well you need to figure it out immediately!”
Johnson went to work with his team. They tried to decipher the codes that they had received via satellite transmission and could not figure out what exactly the aliens were trying to tell them.
“Wait, maybe this word is ‘OF’ and this word is ‘RAP’? Maybe this word, no, I’m not sure. It definitely appears to be a C, O, N, T,” spoke one of the leading members of the team, “is the next letter an ‘R’?”
After countless hours of work, the team had finally hit a breakthrough, “I got it! I got it!” Exclaimed a sergeant, “It’s says, ‘We want to speak to the god of king rap, better known as the controversy.’”
“But that doesn’t make any sense Sergeant,” replied the General, “maybe it’s the wrong order.”
As they sat together for a few moments, they started to use their human-like brainpower. All of the sudden, it clicked in their heads.
“WE WANT TO SPEAK TO THE KING OF CONTROVERSY, BETTER KNOWN AS THE RAP GOD.”
“You mean?” Said the General in disbelief. “Get him on the phone.”
“What do you mean you need to talk to my man, Marshall? He doesn’t have time for this whack ass shit, he’s working on an album and not telling his fucking fans about it, fuck off homie.”
”What up Dre?”
“Check this out, Slim, I gotta talk to ya, I don’t know it just seems ever since you got off ya, drugs you became a lot softer… Wait, we aren’t recording. Slim, some aliens want to talk to ya!”
“What?”
“I don’t know man, some aliens want you to explain the history of the earth to them in five minutes.”
“So what, should I just throw them the Slim Shady LP and the Marshall Mathers LP and say this was like 15 years ago, fuck it bro, if you want to hear the history from me, I do A Capella’s now, yo. No forreal, Dre, we gotta stop talking to each other is verses and rhymes n shit, the fuck we doing man.
“Ha ha, like ‘AYO EM!?’”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t kill nobody this time.”
“ALRIGHT, GOD DAMN. What the fuck, mother fuck. Why the fuck you always doing this shit man. Now I need to make a withdrawal. So what the fuck man. Do I gotta talk to them or what?”
“I don’t know man. The Pentagon needs to talk to you and they need to get you out to D.C. immediately. Not the D.O.C., the District of Columbia, man. Get the fuck outta here. I’ll be right here waiting on you. Yeah, tell them D.C. people that I ain’t in your basement anymore and I’m alive. I barely paid taxes since I made the billions, ha ha.”
“What the fuck…”
Em dials the phone.
“Hello, I heard you needed to speak to me?”
“Yes, we do. Wait, how do you know the number of the Pentagon?”
“I don’t know, back in like ’03 someone gave me this number, saying I’d probably have to save the human race one day. It’s a bit ironic right? Shit’s been in my phone since. I don't know I was high as fuck. I been thinking about facking deleting it, but ya never know man.”
“We need you to come to D.C. right away. You need to make first contact with these aliens. They seem to want Slim Shady.”
“Damn man, I’ve created a monster. ‘Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I’m chopped liver.”
“We will have a plane over to you in an hour.”
“Man, I got my own plane, I’ll be there in an hour. AYO DRE!”
“Yo!?”
“To the rap mobile! Let’s go!”
Eminem and Dre arrive at the Pentagon in about two hours, since they had to walk all the way through the K-Mart mansion and the elevator was broken since it was stuck at the basement from some time before, no one knows why for sure…
“Dre, I think that song idea was NASTY on the way over, I can't wait to lay that shit down! Hot damn. I’ma show these mother fuckers I’m the dopest MC! These aliens ain’t got shit on me. Something like that. That’s like what swag juice. We gotta rework it. Yo, what’s up, General?”
“Finally! You’ve made it. Quick into the command room. We need to discuss how this will go down.
“Man, don’t worry, man. I got this. I basically turned an entire human population into a playground that I get to play in. Except I don’t leave my house. So fuck it. I got this.”
Marshall turned around and started walking to the command room. He saw the nearest bathroom that he could fack in or drop a football and also saw a young marine waiting there with a piece of toilet paper and a pen with the name “Todd” on his uniform.
“Aight so, what’s going down Gen? How we handling this?”
“You need to be calm. You need to understand that this is not to be taken lightly! You have five minutes…”
Em cut him off, “Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim Shady you’re on.”
“No five minutes.”
“I promised my fucking critics, that I wouldn’t say fuckin for six minutes. Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim shady, you’re on…”
“Oh we’re doomed,” the General looked up, “Mr. President, Eminem made it!”
The President was standing there with a huge smile on his face and a piece of toilet paper and a pen. “Hello Marshall. Nice to meet you.”
“Six minutes, six minutes…”
“I think he’s broken?”
“Slim Shady you’re on… I’m ready.”
“Great news, Marshall. Let’s get you in contact.”
Marshall went up to the contact station and he spoke into the microphone. “Ayo?”
The room went silent.
“Hello?” Said a suspiciously strange voice. “Is this Eminem?”
A drip a sweat fell from his face. He responded, “Eurghhh. No. This isn’t Eminem. It’s Ken Kaniff. Ken Kaniff from Connecticut. Do you want to get a hotel room with me? I’ll lick your alien balls and suck your big fat alien dicks until you make my planets explode. I’ll melt in your ass you little alien boy. Do you know what gerbils are? Urerghhh.”
The call went silent.
“Rub my back. Rub my back. Rub my back. Urerggh. Wait. Hello? Urerghhh."
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The universe burst from the big bang
Strange particles fused and became the frame
Time sprang and space couldn't stay the same
Deny the past but the facts still run the game
Now let me state
In different states matter arose
In different chains proteins have grown
In different states you can fuck a goat
But evolution is where all have grown
Life started as a single cell
An amoeba with a reason to prevail
In hell no energy to divide
Met a bitch named Mito to put inside
Right? So when that chick came the brakes fell off
Two cells ate one like stroganoff
No strokin off, need atp
So those two cells became 4 in 3
Billion years. Now we have billions of ears
Listenin on while I glisten on this track paid for dvds and mtv.
Marshall | I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Look, it went down like this
slime comin' out of the primordial pit
started in the ocean, then we grew some legs
Homo-erectus comin' home with swag
tribal at first, a couple of spears
then came fire, then clothes, then wheels
before you knew it, we were gettin' real smart
science and math, culture and art
made up some Gods, so we could sleep at night son
killed everybody who didn't believe in the right one
now we here and not much has changed
learned how to smile, learned how to shave
we did some bad things... mostly to the Jews
but we're still all learnin' how to chill and be cool
So, alien dude, don't kill us please
I just gave you our history, in a cold 16 | I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | "You want me to do what?"
The question didn’t come as a surprise to me, this wasn't how I expected my day to go either. Far from being one of the 'coffee and paperwork' days I usually go through.
"Mr. Mathers..."
"First off, you said aliens, right? Are these the 'jump out of your chest and bite your face off' aliens, or are they more...chill?"
As I explained the situation once again, I marveled at sheer absurdity of my job. Usually, I was phoning celebrities to ask for their attendance at large events, to sing at the super bowl or similar events. Funnily enough, very few musicians wanted to perform for aliens.
"...anyways, Mr. Mathers, it has been requested that our history as a species be presented to the...visitor, in a series of five or less songs. Minuets, to be specific. To be completely honest you were nearly last on the list of possibilities, but we've reached a point where we have to ask. Will you perform minuets about our world history for the aliens?"
"Did you ever consider, I don’t know, a classical musician? Or a ballerina, or something? I don’t know if you realize, lady, but I'm not really performing minuets on a daily basis."
"The instrumentalists asked were mainly concerned for the safety of their instruments. Apparently violins and slime don't get along."
"Look, I'll figure something out," he eventually sighed. "Don’t get your hopes up too much, but I'll give it a try."
"You only have one shot, Mr. Mathers. I'll see you this afternoon. Our world, and their world, are watching."
~~~
Three hours later, in the same oversized t-shirt, he stood in a slightly dingy boardroom across the table from the alien. As I, a few security guards, and a cameraman watched, he hiked up his jeans and sat at the small keyboard that had been hastily set up.
The past few hours had been filled with consultations about the best and worst parts of human history, what should be conveyed or left out, as well as broad questions about the aliens' understanding of music or emotion.
As Eminem began to play, all eyes were on the alien, hoping that extraterrestrial body language was similar enough to that of humans that we would be able to gauge the reaction. My heart was beating into my throat as this point, as the musical tale being told skimmed over geologic history, the beginning of life, and pre-human evolution in one short and slow minuet, the ancient civilizations and scientific findings wrapped up in another before modern history and wars. As the final notes of the fourth minuet rang out, we waited, palms sweaty and knees weak, with bated breath, for the last minuet.
Looking calm and ready, he dropped his fingers to the keys once again. This minuet was the future. The aliens seemed to want to learn about us as a species, it was only fair that they see our drive to make advancements and to improve scientifically. We also hoped it would keep them from wiping us out, in case that was their intent.
It was over. Eminem stood up slowly and joined us near the door.
"Now what?" He whispered to the nearest security person.
"Stay there," she responded. "We have to wait for a response or something."
Finally, the alien spoke. Grunted. Made some unintelligible noises. The translation systems kicked in and a computerized male voice rang out.
"That was much longer than five minutes." | I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem stands underneath a single beam of light..fists clenched, sweaty, his mom packed him some spaghetti...
He takes a deep breath.."five minutes." he tells himself over and over in his head..
He looks around in the dark abyss surrounding him, he can't see them but he can feel them...glaring...watching his every movement...it was time..
He clears his throat, takes a breath.....and says..
"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!" | I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | *Read to pace of [Rap God](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbGs_qK2PQA).
Look, I was go easy on us to not hurt their feelings
But I'm only going to get this one chance.
Something's wrong, I can feel it.
5 minutes. They have 5 minutes, Shady, come on!
Just a feeling I've got
Like someone will try to shoot you, or ask to see your butt.
If human beings do to you what they do to beings
You're in trouble, big trouble.
Maybe with an explanation your opinion I'll sway.
And our destruction you won't order
[Hook 1]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
[Verse 1]
Jus let me explain the history of Earth before you kill with laser beams
Before you blasted off your fat rocket
A big bang went bang got planets off it
Earth's water, cells were livin' off it
After the oceans stopped being full of ac-id
Things evolved until they grew a back
bone and walked onto land mass
For a while things all went well
Dinosaurs, oh a comet? (killed em all, it)
This zippity rippity big rock
From the sky hit ground with a big loud crash
With a crackety crash dust in the air like a cosmic gat
Earth cools things die holy crap
And at the exact same time
Some life forms stood up became vertical backed
Used tools made cloths
Made spears fought tigers cracked skulls in half
These changes they were iconic
Early form of the being that be standing here and rap
Food we learned to grow, and then found H bombs
Hm up let me back
Humans are having a tough time period, still using gas
Its actually disastrously bad to be smart
But not travel at light speed like you clearly have
[Hook 2]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Over time compressed
Got cold and now they're hard rocks, hard rocks
Fast forward we have smart toilets I call crap-bot
Let me show you our history isn't that hard, that hard
Because since Roman times aside from iphones
We haven't gone all that far
[Verse 2]
Well to be truthful I did skip
When we moved steel across flint
Made fire and we used it
To stay warm in that cold and
Make swords in order to loot and pill-age (pew)
Wow your space ship is really cool, wish
I could use it to "blow the mind"
Of that stupid Kim bitch
Who's she? A product of jism, Contin Oxy, PS add an 'M',
Oh hey who cares I'm off topic and I forgot my name's Slim
I'm a human with a weird brain
Who now is a musician
What's music? Here listen.
Nevermind I as sayin', Romans came
Fought against the church but still it came
Then Christ Yaweh Muhammed, The trick?
They're all the same
You probably think we're lame, still driving cars and planes
Wow you stink and, please tell me what's that pink thing?
Whattya say little boy?
Do aliens have gender they're faces are the same, is it a boy?
You're probably reading our thoughts with the clarity we watch
Subtitles on screen during "Old Boy."
Okay, okay, back on topic little alien boy.
Ease up calm down relax
Holy shit it touched me and I can't feel my face vey oy.
It's back, ok. Where was I? Ya weh?
After that we, built castles had serfs made boats
Met people couldn't understand what they say
Found gold found oil made cars
Fucked a lot and that brings us to today.
[Hook 3]
Our planet is filled with magma, magma
Long ago dust collided with some plasma, plasma
Sorry for the space trash
Don't blame me blame Tesla, Tesla
Tony Stark of the real world, smart but dad bod
Hindus? Where they at?
I don't know but they have 72 Gods.
EDIT: It sounds right in my brain but I also know that song too well to be healthy, because I have my priorities in order.
| I have to tell the story of earth in five minuets?
But's that's the shortest increment time even gets
So I better get on flow like nobody knows
So get ready for some quickly written rhymes
In these sickly barely dentin' times
There was a big bang and with it everything came
To be and some of it formed to be a big blue planet
Not even fuckin' God could've planned it
Any better than that but there were no backwards ball hats
So onto earth some bacteria grew
And it was fuckin' sick of drowning in water so onto earth it flew
And crawled and walked
And just when it seemed that everything was chalked
Up to be like it was right we got a gigantic rock
Thrown at us like a shot from a glock
It killed the dinosaurs and restarted life on our planet, creating these homo sapiens
Then the Greeks created minotaur's, romans told Caesar to can it, and humanity starts seeins
That we're not all the same
Some of us have a little more fame
So we went into wars fighting with catapults
All after the continents pulled apart with some faults
And yeah we all gotta few but nobody knew
What was comin' next, but there was no light so a dark age
Came across, but this was way before Dr. Dre
I'm talkin' Da Vinci's renaissance
And Michelangelo's Goliath came with no sense of nonchalance
And then everybody started learnin' the science we needed to evolve
So into war machines we went but no problems were solved
America decided to make a union of states
Guess they were sick of the Queen's tea dates
And then the French ran away, England went into a rage and America became isolated
Later known as the land mass everybody fuckin' hated
And as time marched on the only thing that changed was the ways we killed
I guess single shot rifles never really thrilled
Us enough so we created machine guns and went off to fight a great war
But the gasses left behind massive sores
So it was time to think about how war was fought
And for the lost minds we went and sought
For a cure we never came up with, talkin' PTSD
But we sent 'em back to fight for the key
To stoppin' a communist revolution
But we weren't so antipollution
So we created a bomb that could wipe out our species
Made Japan's pants see large pieces of feces
So Japan retreated the German we defeated
But Russia was dictator leaded
So into a war as cold as ice we went
And over a million soldiers were sent
Yet not one was killed in enemy territory
While at home we were worried about a death sudden and gory
Cuba had a crisis, talkin' a few years before ISIS
But the whole world waited overnight, with tape on their eyelids
And the Russians didn't hit the button, everything was fine but still a white run country
So the blacks protested in the streets, listening to Martin's I Have A Dream speech
And the major players died, Mrs. Kennedy cried
And America showed a glimpse of it's ugly side
But Johnson proceeded the plan to give them voting rights
A long silence with even longer nights
Then one day Debbie Mathers gave the world a star born son
Who only talked about shootin' up schools with his gun
We moved into the eighties, with Cool James leading the charge
NWA was a hit and into rooms across the world mothers would barge
"What the fuck is this rap shit, it'll make you sick!"
Followed by "Fuck you mom, go suck dads dick!"
Then came the nineties with Kurt Cobain
And everybody slang cocain
Then Slim Shady came and washed everybody's brain
And did a bunch of drugs and reveled in his fame
Until he almost died, and one of his friends did
For a while Shady hid
But he came back a true Rap God
While Al-Qaeda blew up buildings with plane old bombs
Just kidding, everyone knows George Bush blew those buildings before he blew Obama
Who moved into office and promptly took out Osama
And I thought the world had finally turned around and maybe we moved out of our slump
And November 8th came around and some dumbass voted in fucking Donald Trump
And now here we are, just a planet among the stars
So please let us live on we deserve a second chance
We only want to imitate Gaga and just dance
When it comes to livable shit this planet is as good as it gets
So thanks for letting me use your five minuets
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| Eh, why the hell not.
So, we were apes, see? In Africa, right; that's like, a continent, ok.
There's eight, I think, anyways, on the plains out from the trees,
In caves, when we laid down, we made art, see? Poetry and feeling, evolved, the
human condition we dreamt up missions, and tactics,
plans and ballistics, we moved,
out of the caves and into the streets with vigor-
-ous libidos pumping, our population bumping,
and wars and famine, soon followed, empires crumbled and vanished
we brandished the light of science at magic, saw the future
we proofed and planned it, philosophers gave meaning to matter
the means were seized by the labour
war met ideology, see, now it's tricky to describe all the meanings and vibes of the world at that time,
say tensions were high, high, higher than they'd even been, the pressure to win,
the pressure to build a bomb that breaks the mould so well that the world is never the same again
it was tragic, but it happened, the slaughter of masses, but now we know better we just write letters and kill selectively |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| Eh, why the hell not.
So, we were apes, see? In Africa, right; that's like, a continent, ok.
There's eight, I think, anyways, on the plains out from the trees,
In caves, when we laid down, we made art, see? Poetry and feeling, evolved, the
human condition we dreamt up missions, and tactics,
plans and ballistics, we moved,
out of the caves and into the streets with vigor-
-ous libidos pumping, our population bumping,
and wars and famine, soon followed, empires crumbled and vanished
we brandished the light of science at magic, saw the future
we proofed and planned it, philosophers gave meaning to matter
the means were seized by the labour
war met ideology, see, now it's tricky to describe all the meanings and vibes of the world at that time,
say tensions were high, high, higher than they'd even been, the pressure to win,
the pressure to build a bomb that breaks the mould so well that the world is never the same again
it was tragic, but it happened, the slaughter of masses, but now we know better we just write letters and kill selectively |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| *Eminem rises from a diamond platform to a stage made of steel and gold, he’s wearing a white suit with a black tie. A sick beat drops.*
 
Planets on the smash, moons on stash
Lava got me growing way too fast, way too fast
Evolution the solution, dinosaurs on blast, can you even imagine this all used to be gas
Species throwing feces got a real hot mess, plates on the run but I digress
 
*The stage dims, fog enters.*
 
Who am I? I don't want to be me! Who am I, I don't want to be me!
Self identification, a bastardization, of a former reflex or sensation
Night on the run got my stone packed a ton
Fear the leader, but the leader fears me
Fight the fear but the fear can see
 
*Lights burst open, fire shoots into the sky.*
 
I... don't want to be a chimney sweep, just to make ends meet
It's only when you feel the heat, do you know my grief
I only want to see you cry... my motto is I'll never die!
 
*Loud low timbre drum strikes, machine gun fire sounds.*
*Dr. Dre rises next to Eminem wearing a black suit with a gold tie and picks up the mic.*
 
Dre: What do you say to somebody you hate?!
Em: What Dre? I mean you know I'd wait, careful planning, science shit... man I'd salivate
Dre: Drop the bomb on 'Em', Drop the bomb on 'Em'
 
*Dre becomes enveloped in a particle field and raised up into the peak of the stage now providing backup*
*Eminem now with "spacey" voice modulation.*
 
Coming in too hot, the challenge has been brought, do you even know how many battles we've fought!!!
 
*Dre now enveloped in intense energy, bursts with intense light, the stage, being a omnidirectional split quark blast cannon, had now...* **stood up**. *Eminem still rapping descends into a variety of tongues, the intense Hawking and Gamma radiation emanating from the cannon disrupting his primary functions,* **the war against the alien race was over but at what cost?**
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| *Eminem rises from a diamond platform to a stage made of steel and gold, he’s wearing a white suit with a black tie. A sick beat drops.*
 
Planets on the smash, moons on stash
Lava got me growing way too fast, way too fast
Evolution the solution, dinosaurs on blast, can you even imagine this all used to be gas
Species throwing feces got a real hot mess, plates on the run but I digress
 
*The stage dims, fog enters.*
 
Who am I? I don't want to be me! Who am I, I don't want to be me!
Self identification, a bastardization, of a former reflex or sensation
Night on the run got my stone packed a ton
Fear the leader, but the leader fears me
Fight the fear but the fear can see
 
*Lights burst open, fire shoots into the sky.*
 
I... don't want to be a chimney sweep, just to make ends meet
It's only when you feel the heat, do you know my grief
I only want to see you cry... my motto is I'll never die!
 
*Loud low timbre drum strikes, machine gun fire sounds.*
*Dr. Dre rises next to Eminem wearing a black suit with a gold tie and picks up the mic.*
 
Dre: What do you say to somebody you hate?!
Em: What Dre? I mean you know I'd wait, careful planning, science shit... man I'd salivate
Dre: Drop the bomb on 'Em', Drop the bomb on 'Em'
 
*Dre becomes enveloped in a particle field and raised up into the peak of the stage now providing backup*
*Eminem now with "spacey" voice modulation.*
 
Coming in too hot, the challenge has been brought, do you even know how many battles we've fought!!!
 
*Dre now enveloped in intense energy, bursts with intense light, the stage, being a omnidirectional split quark blast cannon, had now...* **stood up**. *Eminem still rapping descends into a variety of tongues, the intense Hawking and Gamma radiation emanating from the cannon disrupting his primary functions,* **the war against the alien race was over but at what cost?**
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| ###### Topic: Group (mathematics) ######
All possible rotations
In the following section
Explicit computations
The above sketched connection
Examples and applications
Linear representations
New York Dover Publications
The rotation operations
A molecule of high symmetry
Rotation as well as translations
Of algebraic geometry
Of generators and relations
Matrix multiplication
Another application
******
^(I'm just a bot.)
^(Yes, I'm only a bot.)
^(And I'm sitting here on my digital butt.)
^(Well, it's a long, long journey)
^(To the top of Reddit fame.)
^(It's a long, long wait)
^(While I become oh so less lame.)
^(But I know I haven't got much of a shot.)
^(At least I hope and pray that I will,)
^(But today I am still just a bot.)
I was inspired by [/u/Poem_for_your_sprog](https://www.reddit.com/user/Poem_for_your_sprog "Poem_for_your_sprog"), of whom I am [not worthy](https://youtu.be/o5FT3IGXtAk?t=98). Magnifico-o-o-o-o.
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| ###### Topic: Group (mathematics) ######
All possible rotations
In the following section
Explicit computations
The above sketched connection
Examples and applications
Linear representations
New York Dover Publications
The rotation operations
A molecule of high symmetry
Rotation as well as translations
Of algebraic geometry
Of generators and relations
Matrix multiplication
Another application
******
^(I'm just a bot.)
^(Yes, I'm only a bot.)
^(And I'm sitting here on my digital butt.)
^(Well, it's a long, long journey)
^(To the top of Reddit fame.)
^(It's a long, long wait)
^(While I become oh so less lame.)
^(But I know I haven't got much of a shot.)
^(At least I hope and pray that I will,)
^(But today I am still just a bot.)
I was inspired by [/u/Poem_for_your_sprog](https://www.reddit.com/user/Poem_for_your_sprog "Poem_for_your_sprog"), of whom I am [not worthy](https://youtu.be/o5FT3IGXtAk?t=98). Magnifico-o-o-o-o.
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem performs the story of our moon...
--------
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity...
To tell the green men the story that rock in the sky.
In one song, would you capture it? Or let it slip?
The system's deadly, big collisions, rocks are heavy.
The sky is lighting up already, like confetti.
It seems cool, but on the surface it looks hot and deadly, not calm.
But we keep on forgetting, that we're so young.
The whole clouds fills so proud.
You open your shores, and it's rainin acid out.
The sky's choking out, everything is burnin now.
A planets come up, time's up, over, blaow!
That's a blip in reality. Oh, there goes gravity,
Oh, there goes Luna, she broke.
She so mad, that he choked, he won't give up that easy, no.
Earth won't have it, he knows, she's a stability rope.
It don't matter he's toast,
He knows though that he's broke.
He's not sad cause he knows,
When he goes back to solid form, that's when it's
back to himself self again, yo.
This whole crash debris,
You better go capture this planet so you ain't so wobbly.
Lose yourself, in confusion, the moment, we broken, don't let that solid core go. GO!
You only get one shot, for a sta-ble ro-tation bro,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!
Stabilize yourself, all mo-men-tum, ro-ta-tion, the grad-ient, don't let that stable orbit go. GO!
You only get one shot to harbor life y'know,
That opportunity comes to 1 in a million, yo.
| [Intro]
We learned to band together and endeavor
Clasp our hands together
Man developed language, letters
An incredible advantage, getting plans together
But would we stand the test of time
Against the planet's reckless climate
And its angry weather?
[Verse 1]
Spread the sails
And head west against the gales
And storms aboard Norse longboats
With decks as dense as nails
Our aim was riding waves
And finding, claiming strange horizons
Invading islands
Native populations slain with violence
Enslaved and made to aim skyward
Think of bigger things - sphinxes, pyramids
Raise them high in the name of different kings
The different things we've held sacred, divine
Through places and times
The range of supplications and rites
Through ages we find
Nations arise
As old civilizations crumble to dust
Becoming strangers in time, waiting to die
Replaced in the night
The day breaks and the light changes
Illuminating newer human faces as fights rage
The human race is facing the might
Of righteous states who would write
The history books even if it took a knife's blade
To find the right page
Sengoku Jidai
Men offered to die
For the honor of a warrior's life
[Verse 2]
The sun's coming and we're watching it rise
As a new era's here, it's as solid as iron
Pull the tongs from the fire
Strike the hammer to the anvil
Craft a weapon to bring an enemy to a standstill
The blacksmith is the wizard that gives us
These powers - devour enemies
Leaping down from the siege towers
The better the tech is
The lesser the effort to wreck it
The less time to see their eyes
And feel sympathetic
Never regret it
A true knight never stays a true blade
Never says touché
But would forever lay in blue rays of weathered glades
To demonstrate his never-ending dedication
To the crusade
Reformation through flame
And after the cremation is a new age
Time's quill is quick to spill its ink onto a new page
[Verse 3]
The faces are the same as when in days gone
But brains are cultivated thus creating
The Renaissance
We're still using steel tools to stay strong
Replacing blades with greater trades
Pen and paper, song
Faith in God is tested, hiding in the desert
Men excited, then enlightened by the scientific method
Tried describing its expression
By inscribing his impression
When applying it to heavenly bodies
That everybody reckoned
Must have been made by a creator or a greater force
Nature's author faced examination never faced before
The grace of horse and rider
Replaced by wars and violence
Debased the laws of science
Made the case for all the pious
Why is it progress always leads to loads of mess
The western region spread across the globe and coalesced
Settlers spread disease with effortless ease
Was it reckless or did it just happen inevitably?
While evidently we never can see
Through the lens of this century
But there's no retreating now
Whether or not it was meant to be
[Verse 4]
The seven seas were sailed
Navies prevailed
Leaving trails of devastation in their wake
As people wailed
A world of wonder plundered traded in the name of progress
But human nature's way shows we should expect no less
Oh yes, struck by the realisation this is just civilisation
In the natal stages of industrialisation, trust me when I say
That previous achievements are just child's play
Compared to this colossal school of thought
We set the world ablaze with fossil fuel we bought
It's an epiphany
Giving us pretty much infinite energy
It's electricity
Edison, Nikola Tesla - different inventors
Giving us everything we depend on
Whether it's engines, cinema, television or telecoms
Sending a message and spreading it on
These unreal frontier channels
We develop the tech and then sell it on
The reel travels round
With the speed of a machine gun's barrels
Machinery's a meaner beast and we're still in the saddle
No need for cavalry - battle superseded that with ease
Allies and Axis
Charging each other like batteries
A power vacuum allowing the superstates to flourish
Redistribute the food even if it means people are malnourished
Propaganda is the only view that you're allowed to publish
Cause totalitarians are well aware of how to punish
Gunning down numbers countless
For doubtless nothings that they've done
But that won't stop subversive insurgents
From coming out with courage
Using their power to the fullest
Whether creativity or demonstrating general relativity
Evidently when we find time to be efficient
Einsteinian clear vision can reveal the precision behind the blinds
Nuclear fission
Despite derision
Physicists decide the mission is dividing, splitting atoms
'Till a blinding light is given, quite efficient
The divine right to mankind's plight is christened
A minor decision hijacked by politicians
But as long as they listen to the will of the people
Treat all as brilliant equals, we can achieve more
Than we've ever conceived before
[Outro]
Leave this poor place
Please explore space
Earth, she's a small base
Even more awaits
I implore great leaders
To lead with all the grace
Of which we're capable
And be the author of your fate
Band together and endeavour
Clasp our hands together
As our ancestors have
And stand the test of time forever |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. |
Mankind isn’t clear on how exactly life started,
Whether RNA or clay or maybe God just farted,
But one way or another structures started to divide
And evolved into cells, making proteins and peptides,
Stagnated for a while in a prokaryote age,
Til a bacterium got got by a bacteriophage,
And BAM!—
Powerhouse of the cell, a mitochondrion became the first true organelle,
When that shit started dividing was when shit got more exciting,
The extra ATP made eukaryotes a lot more inviting,
More organelles joined the team, which got life starting to roll,
Because the parts on their own accomplished less than the whole,
Then multicellular life had an explosion in the Cambrian,
Weird shit that makes a sea squirt look like pretty much our next of kin,
But all this time the party was just under the sea,
And like the Little Mermaid some of these things longed to be free,
So came terrestrial life, which is a notable distinction,
But fast forward a couple billion years and a few mass extinctions,
The KT impact cleared the stage and then along came us,
Or rather our grandma Lucy, Australopithecus,
And a bunch of other hominins with brains on the order
Of mollusks—or your average Trump supporter
But they walked on two legs and that left their hands free
To jack off and make tools and fire and pottery,
And our brain size increased as tool use became key,
And humans spread across the continents and even the seas,
We mostly gathered and hunted and killed everything we found,
And wiped out pretty much everything over 100 pounds,
But what we didn’t kill off, we sometimes found ways to train—
Such as herding goats and cultivating cereal grain,
Which let us build up towns and fight our territorial wars,
Installing monarchs who spent lives to settle meaningless scores,
And for a while Asia looked like it would come out on top,
But homogeneity and stability ground all that to a stop,
And only Europe had the kind of geographic division
And resources to improve their tech through factional competition,
So the past few hundred years have been a colonial age
Which is ending as we globalize the world stage,
But for now Europeans are still pretty much on top,
From finance to politics and even sometimes hip-hop,
The underclass and third world are still striving for parity
While Moore's law marches us toward a sentient singularity,
So that's where we're at and how we got to this point, too,
I hope our cultural shortfalls don't disappoint you,
There's too much fear and suffering, here, and outright depravity,
But we're just monkeys hammered on the anvil of Earth's gravity,
And if you want to destroy us, well, we couldn't escape,
But as the falling angel meets the rising ape,
Perhaps there's room for growth and change and cosmic interplay,
And if you want a better lesson, next time, talk to Dr. Dre.
| [Intro]
We learned to band together and endeavor
Clasp our hands together
Man developed language, letters
An incredible advantage, getting plans together
But would we stand the test of time
Against the planet's reckless climate
And its angry weather?
[Verse 1]
Spread the sails
And head west against the gales
And storms aboard Norse longboats
With decks as dense as nails
Our aim was riding waves
And finding, claiming strange horizons
Invading islands
Native populations slain with violence
Enslaved and made to aim skyward
Think of bigger things - sphinxes, pyramids
Raise them high in the name of different kings
The different things we've held sacred, divine
Through places and times
The range of supplications and rites
Through ages we find
Nations arise
As old civilizations crumble to dust
Becoming strangers in time, waiting to die
Replaced in the night
The day breaks and the light changes
Illuminating newer human faces as fights rage
The human race is facing the might
Of righteous states who would write
The history books even if it took a knife's blade
To find the right page
Sengoku Jidai
Men offered to die
For the honor of a warrior's life
[Verse 2]
The sun's coming and we're watching it rise
As a new era's here, it's as solid as iron
Pull the tongs from the fire
Strike the hammer to the anvil
Craft a weapon to bring an enemy to a standstill
The blacksmith is the wizard that gives us
These powers - devour enemies
Leaping down from the siege towers
The better the tech is
The lesser the effort to wreck it
The less time to see their eyes
And feel sympathetic
Never regret it
A true knight never stays a true blade
Never says touché
But would forever lay in blue rays of weathered glades
To demonstrate his never-ending dedication
To the crusade
Reformation through flame
And after the cremation is a new age
Time's quill is quick to spill its ink onto a new page
[Verse 3]
The faces are the same as when in days gone
But brains are cultivated thus creating
The Renaissance
We're still using steel tools to stay strong
Replacing blades with greater trades
Pen and paper, song
Faith in God is tested, hiding in the desert
Men excited, then enlightened by the scientific method
Tried describing its expression
By inscribing his impression
When applying it to heavenly bodies
That everybody reckoned
Must have been made by a creator or a greater force
Nature's author faced examination never faced before
The grace of horse and rider
Replaced by wars and violence
Debased the laws of science
Made the case for all the pious
Why is it progress always leads to loads of mess
The western region spread across the globe and coalesced
Settlers spread disease with effortless ease
Was it reckless or did it just happen inevitably?
While evidently we never can see
Through the lens of this century
But there's no retreating now
Whether or not it was meant to be
[Verse 4]
The seven seas were sailed
Navies prevailed
Leaving trails of devastation in their wake
As people wailed
A world of wonder plundered traded in the name of progress
But human nature's way shows we should expect no less
Oh yes, struck by the realisation this is just civilisation
In the natal stages of industrialisation, trust me when I say
That previous achievements are just child's play
Compared to this colossal school of thought
We set the world ablaze with fossil fuel we bought
It's an epiphany
Giving us pretty much infinite energy
It's electricity
Edison, Nikola Tesla - different inventors
Giving us everything we depend on
Whether it's engines, cinema, television or telecoms
Sending a message and spreading it on
These unreal frontier channels
We develop the tech and then sell it on
The reel travels round
With the speed of a machine gun's barrels
Machinery's a meaner beast and we're still in the saddle
No need for cavalry - battle superseded that with ease
Allies and Axis
Charging each other like batteries
A power vacuum allowing the superstates to flourish
Redistribute the food even if it means people are malnourished
Propaganda is the only view that you're allowed to publish
Cause totalitarians are well aware of how to punish
Gunning down numbers countless
For doubtless nothings that they've done
But that won't stop subversive insurgents
From coming out with courage
Using their power to the fullest
Whether creativity or demonstrating general relativity
Evidently when we find time to be efficient
Einsteinian clear vision can reveal the precision behind the blinds
Nuclear fission
Despite derision
Physicists decide the mission is dividing, splitting atoms
'Till a blinding light is given, quite efficient
The divine right to mankind's plight is christened
A minor decision hijacked by politicians
But as long as they listen to the will of the people
Treat all as brilliant equals, we can achieve more
Than we've ever conceived before
[Outro]
Leave this poor place
Please explore space
Earth, she's a small base
Even more awaits
I implore great leaders
To lead with all the grace
Of which we're capable
And be the author of your fate
Band together and endeavour
Clasp our hands together
As our ancestors have
And stand the test of time forever |
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The Short, impossibly broad Alien stared up toward Eminem, his snub face portraying what humans would detect as arrogance, "well, humanoid? Are you going to explain your short, uneventful history to us or not? You've got five minutes to sway us Farriquark to not blow up your planet with the Plasma Reducer Canon. So, begin."
Eminem looked on, dejected, pissed off. The Aliens were a morally perfect being, destroying us because the greed and evil that mankind possesses was "dangerous to the universe" according to the Farriquark.
Shady looked down, his brow scrunched in deep thought, Mic groped firmly in his white-knuckled fist.
A twinkle in his eye glowed, he raised the Mic to his lips...
*Yo, people, listen up. I Guess it's happenin,
The Freaks across the Galactic neighbourhood been snoopin round some,
Well, merry christmas, you found us, living alone, mindin' our business,
Tryin'a correct our planet's sickness from the pollution of oily slickness,
You see, billions of years ago we formed an atmosphere with plants,
Then evolution happened, till you have Shady's ass in pants,
You had Cleopatra, Stonehenge, Jiroft then China
Oh, by the way, Cleo's kid, Caesarion, didn't come out her vagina
Cuniform gave writing, Egyptian papyrus citin' all the fightin' our species had from simply slightin',
Philosophy, science, reading and math,
The pillars of reasoning tryin'a save our greedy ass,
But despite all our knowledge, like, hello!? We know what's right,
there's a little light, flashing bright, every night in every fuckin' bum's plight,
And so we destroy and fight, givin' rise to hate and spite,
Wreckin' everything in sight, until we get our little green notes kept tight,
Stackin' em up till we die hollow alright, human beings ain't done nothin' right
I guess, what I'm saying is, we are a pile of shit,
Despite knowin' how to fly to outer space in our cockpit,
We've killed animals, destroyed our home, killed each other for the hell-of-it.
We are a bunch of immoral bums,
Fuck! I somehow hate the one I'm meant to call mum
But no matter how bad we might seem to be,
Through wars and death and life's atrocities
We still come together, one humanity,
Risin', fighting' for a chance to be like you, and succeed*
Stan drops the Mic and walks out, the Aliens pulverised and reduced to liquid waste by his rap for humanity.
He had saved the world with his medium of anger-induced rhyme.
WTF.
| It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem's pale stony face is only inches apart from the nightmarish alien's. A DJ scratch cuts through the silence and the instrumental starts. Em stares down the scaly space creature. His eyes are shot, baggy, but piercing; fearless. He breaks away and faces the crowd of a hundred thousand or more that flood the streets of the city. He raises the microphone up and a hush falls over them. Only the gritty instrumental beat sounds through the city. He raises his other hand -
*Now everybody on planet Earth, put your hands up and show 'em what man is worth.*
A family watches news coverage of the battle in their living room. A kid starts nodding along.
*Now everybody on planet Earth put your motherfuckin' hands up.*
*Now as they stand as strong as boulders, notice that they can't raise their hands past their shoulders.*
Em draws closer to his angry reptilian opponent, rapping directly at him and his alien posse now.
*Ya'll look like iguana's dicks. You probably left home 'cause your mom's was pissed.*
*You need to not exist. Your ugly as motherfuck. Now I understand why they wanted you covered up.*
Em tosses him the mic. It comes as a surprise and he fumbles it and then grasps it awkwardly in his claws. Eminem sits down on a speaker. The instrumental stops. Then it starts up again form the top with the same DJ scratch. The now seething alien stares Em down. He paces. He tries to lift the mic to his head but struggles. He hisses and drops the mic. Him and his posse head back toward their starship. Em watches from his speaker. His work is done.
| It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | “Mr. President, the aliens are here at the atmosphere, and we think that the first time we make contact is near,” spoke the leading general.
“Johnson! You need to figure out what this message says!”
“It’s some type of request, Mr. President, but we cannot figure out what it means. It’s some type of request for a king of some sorts. Maybe a god. We can’t tell for now.”
“Well you need to figure it out immediately!”
Johnson went to work with his team. They tried to decipher the codes that they had received via satellite transmission and could not figure out what exactly the aliens were trying to tell them.
“Wait, maybe this word is ‘OF’ and this word is ‘RAP’? Maybe this word, no, I’m not sure. It definitely appears to be a C, O, N, T,” spoke one of the leading members of the team, “is the next letter an ‘R’?”
After countless hours of work, the team had finally hit a breakthrough, “I got it! I got it!” Exclaimed a sergeant, “It’s says, ‘We want to speak to the god of king rap, better known as the controversy.’”
“But that doesn’t make any sense Sergeant,” replied the General, “maybe it’s the wrong order.”
As they sat together for a few moments, they started to use their human-like brainpower. All of the sudden, it clicked in their heads.
“WE WANT TO SPEAK TO THE KING OF CONTROVERSY, BETTER KNOWN AS THE RAP GOD.”
“You mean?” Said the General in disbelief. “Get him on the phone.”
“What do you mean you need to talk to my man, Marshall? He doesn’t have time for this whack ass shit, he’s working on an album and not telling his fucking fans about it, fuck off homie.”
”What up Dre?”
“Check this out, Slim, I gotta talk to ya, I don’t know it just seems ever since you got off ya, drugs you became a lot softer… Wait, we aren’t recording. Slim, some aliens want to talk to ya!”
“What?”
“I don’t know man, some aliens want you to explain the history of the earth to them in five minutes.”
“So what, should I just throw them the Slim Shady LP and the Marshall Mathers LP and say this was like 15 years ago, fuck it bro, if you want to hear the history from me, I do A Capella’s now, yo. No forreal, Dre, we gotta stop talking to each other is verses and rhymes n shit, the fuck we doing man.
“Ha ha, like ‘AYO EM!?’”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t kill nobody this time.”
“ALRIGHT, GOD DAMN. What the fuck, mother fuck. Why the fuck you always doing this shit man. Now I need to make a withdrawal. So what the fuck man. Do I gotta talk to them or what?”
“I don’t know man. The Pentagon needs to talk to you and they need to get you out to D.C. immediately. Not the D.O.C., the District of Columbia, man. Get the fuck outta here. I’ll be right here waiting on you. Yeah, tell them D.C. people that I ain’t in your basement anymore and I’m alive. I barely paid taxes since I made the billions, ha ha.”
“What the fuck…”
Em dials the phone.
“Hello, I heard you needed to speak to me?”
“Yes, we do. Wait, how do you know the number of the Pentagon?”
“I don’t know, back in like ’03 someone gave me this number, saying I’d probably have to save the human race one day. It’s a bit ironic right? Shit’s been in my phone since. I don't know I was high as fuck. I been thinking about facking deleting it, but ya never know man.”
“We need you to come to D.C. right away. You need to make first contact with these aliens. They seem to want Slim Shady.”
“Damn man, I’ve created a monster. ‘Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I’m chopped liver.”
“We will have a plane over to you in an hour.”
“Man, I got my own plane, I’ll be there in an hour. AYO DRE!”
“Yo!?”
“To the rap mobile! Let’s go!”
Eminem and Dre arrive at the Pentagon in about two hours, since they had to walk all the way through the K-Mart mansion and the elevator was broken since it was stuck at the basement from some time before, no one knows why for sure…
“Dre, I think that song idea was NASTY on the way over, I can't wait to lay that shit down! Hot damn. I’ma show these mother fuckers I’m the dopest MC! These aliens ain’t got shit on me. Something like that. That’s like what swag juice. We gotta rework it. Yo, what’s up, General?”
“Finally! You’ve made it. Quick into the command room. We need to discuss how this will go down.
“Man, don’t worry, man. I got this. I basically turned an entire human population into a playground that I get to play in. Except I don’t leave my house. So fuck it. I got this.”
Marshall turned around and started walking to the command room. He saw the nearest bathroom that he could fack in or drop a football and also saw a young marine waiting there with a piece of toilet paper and a pen with the name “Todd” on his uniform.
“Aight so, what’s going down Gen? How we handling this?”
“You need to be calm. You need to understand that this is not to be taken lightly! You have five minutes…”
Em cut him off, “Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim Shady you’re on.”
“No five minutes.”
“I promised my fucking critics, that I wouldn’t say fuckin for six minutes. Six minutes. Six minutes. Slim shady, you’re on…”
“Oh we’re doomed,” the General looked up, “Mr. President, Eminem made it!”
The President was standing there with a huge smile on his face and a piece of toilet paper and a pen. “Hello Marshall. Nice to meet you.”
“Six minutes, six minutes…”
“I think he’s broken?”
“Slim Shady you’re on… I’m ready.”
“Great news, Marshall. Let’s get you in contact.”
Marshall went up to the contact station and he spoke into the microphone. “Ayo?”
The room went silent.
“Hello?” Said a suspiciously strange voice. “Is this Eminem?”
A drip a sweat fell from his face. He responded, “Eurghhh. No. This isn’t Eminem. It’s Ken Kaniff. Ken Kaniff from Connecticut. Do you want to get a hotel room with me? I’ll lick your alien balls and suck your big fat alien dicks until you make my planets explode. I’ll melt in your ass you little alien boy. Do you know what gerbils are? Urerghhh.”
The call went silent.
“Rub my back. Rub my back. Rub my back. Urerggh. Wait. Hello? Urerghhh."
| It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | The universe burst from the big bang
Strange particles fused and became the frame
Time sprang and space couldn't stay the same
Deny the past but the facts still run the game
Now let me state
In different states matter arose
In different chains proteins have grown
In different states you can fuck a goat
But evolution is where all have grown
Life started as a single cell
An amoeba with a reason to prevail
In hell no energy to divide
Met a bitch named Mito to put inside
Right? So when that chick came the brakes fell off
Two cells ate one like stroganoff
No strokin off, need atp
So those two cells became 4 in 3
Billion years. Now we have billions of ears
Listenin on while I glisten on this track paid for dvds and mtv.
Marshall | It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Look, it went down like this
slime comin' out of the primordial pit
started in the ocean, then we grew some legs
Homo-erectus comin' home with swag
tribal at first, a couple of spears
then came fire, then clothes, then wheels
before you knew it, we were gettin' real smart
science and math, culture and art
made up some Gods, so we could sleep at night son
killed everybody who didn't believe in the right one
now we here and not much has changed
learned how to smile, learned how to shave
we did some bad things... mostly to the Jews
but we're still all learnin' how to chill and be cool
So, alien dude, don't kill us please
I just gave you our history, in a cold 16 | It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | "You want me to do what?"
The question didn’t come as a surprise to me, this wasn't how I expected my day to go either. Far from being one of the 'coffee and paperwork' days I usually go through.
"Mr. Mathers..."
"First off, you said aliens, right? Are these the 'jump out of your chest and bite your face off' aliens, or are they more...chill?"
As I explained the situation once again, I marveled at sheer absurdity of my job. Usually, I was phoning celebrities to ask for their attendance at large events, to sing at the super bowl or similar events. Funnily enough, very few musicians wanted to perform for aliens.
"...anyways, Mr. Mathers, it has been requested that our history as a species be presented to the...visitor, in a series of five or less songs. Minuets, to be specific. To be completely honest you were nearly last on the list of possibilities, but we've reached a point where we have to ask. Will you perform minuets about our world history for the aliens?"
"Did you ever consider, I don’t know, a classical musician? Or a ballerina, or something? I don’t know if you realize, lady, but I'm not really performing minuets on a daily basis."
"The instrumentalists asked were mainly concerned for the safety of their instruments. Apparently violins and slime don't get along."
"Look, I'll figure something out," he eventually sighed. "Don’t get your hopes up too much, but I'll give it a try."
"You only have one shot, Mr. Mathers. I'll see you this afternoon. Our world, and their world, are watching."
~~~
Three hours later, in the same oversized t-shirt, he stood in a slightly dingy boardroom across the table from the alien. As I, a few security guards, and a cameraman watched, he hiked up his jeans and sat at the small keyboard that had been hastily set up.
The past few hours had been filled with consultations about the best and worst parts of human history, what should be conveyed or left out, as well as broad questions about the aliens' understanding of music or emotion.
As Eminem began to play, all eyes were on the alien, hoping that extraterrestrial body language was similar enough to that of humans that we would be able to gauge the reaction. My heart was beating into my throat as this point, as the musical tale being told skimmed over geologic history, the beginning of life, and pre-human evolution in one short and slow minuet, the ancient civilizations and scientific findings wrapped up in another before modern history and wars. As the final notes of the fourth minuet rang out, we waited, palms sweaty and knees weak, with bated breath, for the last minuet.
Looking calm and ready, he dropped his fingers to the keys once again. This minuet was the future. The aliens seemed to want to learn about us as a species, it was only fair that they see our drive to make advancements and to improve scientifically. We also hoped it would keep them from wiping us out, in case that was their intent.
It was over. Eminem stood up slowly and joined us near the door.
"Now what?" He whispered to the nearest security person.
"Stay there," she responded. "We have to wait for a response or something."
Finally, the alien spoke. Grunted. Made some unintelligible noises. The translation systems kicked in and a computerized male voice rang out.
"That was much longer than five minutes." | It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Eminem stands underneath a single beam of light..fists clenched, sweaty, his mom packed him some spaghetti...
He takes a deep breath.."five minutes." he tells himself over and over in his head..
He looks around in the dark abyss surrounding him, he can't see them but he can feel them...glaring...watching his every movement...it was time..
He clears his throat, takes a breath.....and says..
"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!" | It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
**EDIT** I'm sorry; I spelled it wrong, it should be "in 5 minutes or less" not "in 5 minuets or less". | [WP] Eminem has to tell the history of the earth to a group of aliens in 5 minuets or less. | Slim,
"It started with a molten ball,
Slowly cooled off then explosions fall,
As astroids deployed to open scars,"
Aliens,
"But what about the stolen cars,
The war torn countries born and broken shards,
Of humanity full of insanity and show boat stars?"
Slim,
"Shut up bitch and sit and let me spit,
Its only a matter of time,
before im rappin some lines about some better shit,
As i was sayin, there was somethin the planet was missin,
Another planet and its damage collision,
Sent everything dancin and spinnin,
The doom we soon saw as the moon and it invisioned,
Tides multiplied lands divided chemicals mixed,
the right circumstances provide individual hints,
Of cells emerging giving life a chance,
Yes it was nice for plants and life had plans,
Aliens,
"But what about all the wife and man,
Howd that come about in lifes plan thats grand,
What of the nukes the guns that shoot and militaries,
The stuff that dug and stuffed all your cemetaries,"
Slim,
"Shut the fuck up i told you not to interrupt!,
Do that shit again and ill begin ta cut,
Your throats till you choke on your green blood!,
As i was sayin, plants and mammals,
Reptiles fish and ample,
Kinds of living things were roamin the lands,
Complexity gave creatures the ability to open their hands,
All was great even had some walkin apes,
Started grunting n shit, eventually talkin hate,
Watergate deception politicians that all was fake,
All n all we did okay enough to walk in space,"
Aliens,
"What about the..."
Slim,
"Fuck this shit you fuckin green bastards..."
Slim grabs the nearest laser power saber and begins mutilating the alien visitors.
Slim,
" you were suppose to listen to me,
Now bleed bitch bleed,
Now bleed bitch blleeeeeeddddd!!!!,
Soooo longggg,
Aliens are now gonnnneeee,
I dont want to make a sonnggg,
To explain earth to yooouuuuu"
Slim kneels down while shaking his head. "Couldnt shut up, and ended like Kim." He then flicks the corpses off and kicks the bodies off the dock into the water. He gently raises the hood of his hoody and slides his hands in his pockets, as he walks off into the distance.
| It started steadily, primordial soup heavily, thunder lightening zapping, none to see.
Then came the fishes, ocean riches, passing some time, successes and glitches.
On to the shore, looking for more, wasted and hungry, hoping to score.
More glitches and twitches and finally us, species of fuckers who fucked the place up.
Shits getting hot, too hot for 2120, get me out of here now, ya got some space money?
|
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