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[WP] A forgotten imaginary friend from childhood suddenly comes back. | The doorbell rang as I was preparing my lunch for the next day at work. When I opened the door and laid my eyes on the figure standing at the door, I felt an immediate rush of joy and I embraced Anthony, my childhood friend immediately.
I had lived in the same since since childhood so it was no wonder that he was able to find me.
As I caught him up with the twists and turns that life has thrown at me, I noticed him listening intently. It's not often that you notice how skilled someone is at listening, until you realize that they actually care about every word your saying. I felt as though he was conjuring up every detail into his own imagination as I was describing it to him. It felt wonderful, and surreal.
And thats where I cut myself off; I recognized my manners had temporarily left me as I indulged in my own stories, I had not heard a word from him on his life. And just as quick as I had that realization, came the second realization, and he was gone.
I sat confused, and alone. I had been alone for quite some time acknowledged that my imagination was craving more. I called up AJ and asked if he wanted to go for a beer, knowing he wouldn't refuse the offer, for the sake of my own sanity. | "Stop it, you know I hate that." Jesse scolded Sir Picklesworth and waved the thin smoke away from his pale face.
"Bite me, this is who I am" Sir Pickles worth commented. It was weird; seeing him like this made me cringe. I never thought an imaginary friend, once forgotten like a teddy bear or blanket and shoved into a dusty attic, would have aged along side me.
"Well could you at least not funnel your smoke at me?" I sat, hunched over this SAT practice exam. Why? Why now? Why remember him now, only to bring him back into my life? He is so different from before. Sir Picklesworth slouched against a wall, pipe in hand. It was weird to give him the name I did, I mean for one, he was a tall, skinny (slightly rotten at the top really) piece of celery. His voice was now raspy, low like a thunder cloud, but sounded like it went through a cheese grater, probably because of all the stupid "medical marijuana" he smokes.
"What are you doing anyways? Why not go have some fun like we used to" He suggested in his usual nonchalant tone.
"Because I told you already, I am studying for my SAT test tomorrow. If I don't do well, I won't get into a well established college" At this point I was done. I gripped the cover and slammed my SAT prep book closed. 529 pages. Why did I need this book for a 50 page exam? Oh well, that wont concern me. I walked over to my door and closed it quietly. It was late, 10pm? Maybe even 11? Who knows, I've been at this all day. I flicked the lights and shuffled over to my bed. I laid down and threw the old red covers over my face hoping, just hoping that tomorrow, he would be gone.
"We there yet?" the mumbling came from the back of my car. Shit. Not now, just go away. I have to take my exam soon; he can't be here.
"How about you stay here while I take my exam? That sound fair?" He just looked at me, looked with those bright blue eyes. He always had a calming face. His hair, the leaves growing and falling over his face, still light green as ever. He looked, well I guess that would be sad. I had never seen him sad. I relentlessly sighed.
"Fine, come in with me. Just be quiet, I need to focus." Boy was that dumb.
"FIRE!! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" Nobody moved. Sir Picklesworth laughed and laughed after screaming. "You would all be dead if that was real! No worries this was all just a drill." I motioned my hand to cut my neck, hoping he understood to cut it out. Thankfully he did. He walked up the aisle, sat on the test of the kid next to me, the sweaty one, nervous. I could tell, he keeps tapping his eraser on the desk, biting his left hand nails and skimming the room looking for a way out. He couldn't see him though. No one could, not even hear him. He was in my head though.
"B"
I cocked my head back. He was right. The son of a gun was right. I checked it and checked it. Still right. I turned the page and again it happened.
"X=36, make sure to show your work." He offered, apple bits coming out of his mouth. Where'd he get an apple? Oh he's imaginary..but still....a *Red Delicious*?? The only true part of the name was red. but to my surprise, he was right. we flew through the rest of the test, him providing answers, me checking them and them being right. I finished. Record time I think. I walked up the long aisle, must have been 30 feet or so, felt like a mile. I slipped the blue test booklet onto the wooden desk and the proctor looked at me in disbelief.
After spending the next two weeks reminiscing and catching up with Sir Picklesworth, the phone rang
"Jesse Cartwell?" A women spoke.
"Yes, this is him"
"It appears we have something to talk about.
A perfect score. I aced the SAT, why was I in trouble? Apparently acing it in record time was a problem. They made me take the stupid thing again, and again Sir Picklesworth and I aced it. They were shocked and congratulated me. I had really done it on my own. When we got home I turned to thank Sir Picklesworth, but he was gone, just like when I was 7. I guess it's true what they say. When you're stressed, weird things can happen and you just need to relax and see a familiar face. I mean really, you have the information in your head already, you just need someone to tell you that and reassure you. thanks Sir Picklesworth, thanks for showing me I could do it all by myself. | |
[WP] Write a story that ultimately leads to 3 choices. Provide 3 alternate endings based on which choice the main character takes. | *Choose the sword, and you will join me.*
*Choose the ball, and you join your mother... in death*
*You don't understand my words, but you must choose.*
*{—child gurgling--}*
*So... come boy, choose life or death!*
"Shogun..Shogunn...SHOOGUNNNNN..."
The chants went viral. The atmosphere of the arena was now covered in the gown of an insatiable gravity. One that would continue to search for indecision and anxiety and feed off of it.
All attention was on the boy. His heartbeat pounding louder and heavier than the collective beat of the thousands who now watched him. His father stood ahead of him, with the blood-stained blade of his katana gleaming in the blistering night sky.
The child felt motionless. Unaware of what lies before him. He held the fate of the countless warriors who lied beneath, and the fate of the countless more that would follow.
Averting his gaze from the crimson pool, his mother began to stare deep into the abyssal cavern of his soul. Two drowned out eyeballs, covered in a plastic sphere, like the ball he had grown to love in his short time as the Shoguns son.
His steps surprised him. Creeping towards the ball, the crowd would gasp, the heartbeat of a thousand soldiers now joining the beat of his own. They felt incredulous but in harmony. In his position he could feel the presence of all those who had walked the path before him, and all those who had chosen to stray. The question was to him whether this ball could liberate his immeasurable pain, or would he, like so many before, enter the grasp of eternal solace.
…
The Shogun stepped towards him, his hand firmly gripped around the hilt of his blade. The chant continued to grow, and the arenas gravity devoured every inch of who he knew himself to be, weighing down on him and restricting his freedom.
He leaned down, and grabbed what was left of his mother, the tears now not only streaming, but invigorating. Enraging. As if his rage was given its own form, its own embodiment. Like a glaze of insanity oozed over him and covered him like a volatile film of madness. He could feel the blood-lust welcoming him. He could see the inevitable. He could predict the immeasurable. He was no longer the Shogun's son.
"Shoogunn…...…Shogun…………………sho-”
And there it was. The echoing eternity of the dreary sorrows belonging to his audience. It clasped the heart of the boy and paralysed him. The noise drowned out and the impending fate approached.
The Shogun stood above him, his blade raised, ready to strike. This man he had recognised as the distant shade in the which eluded him all these years had now finally appeared. This was not his father, not the man of his mother’s desire, but the enigma of the eternal struggle that captured everyone.
Instead, the boy reached out for the sword. His father seeing this stopped, and began to smile. He now raised his katana higher and invoked the mindless masses to cheer.
The boy stood up, the tears still in his eyes, and felt the chants of his people rush over him in an awesome wave. As he raised his sword, he could feel the souls of all his brothers now envelop him, channelling their pain and suffering.
And then he struck his blade deep into the heart of the phantom before him.
The cheers ceased. The only sound being heard now was the deafening silence. The shogun, the shade, fell to his knees, and the boy continued with the stroke of his blade, allowing him to join his mother in death.
…
The faces of each person in the audience spoke their own unique tale. Shock and horror consumed them. And for a moment it seemed as though nothing would happen. It seemed as if time had stopped and the emotions of everyone present had been sucked into an eternal vacuum that would never cease to exist. It was done. Consciousness slowly returned to them, and reinstated the vigour of victory that they thought they had lost. He turned to them, picked up his father's katana, and met the embrace of the thousand souls around him.
The Shogun had been crowned not in death or victory, but in the absence of victory and the refusal of death.
The crowd continued to boom,
"Shogun... Shogun... Sho-" | I turn the key and shudder once. I enter my studio apartment and it's very hot, like Sahara hot. I call out for Daisy and as she mewls from her corner of the mattress I feel the stab of deja vu. Step after step is like falling into a dream. As my bed looms closer the smell of singed hair fills my nostrils and dark clouds brush across the cinder block walls.
I stop when Daisy howls and take a step back. The soot fades from the walls. I take another step behind me and hear Daisy purring. My backward journey takes me to the front of my door and I lock it as a sudden rush of cold wind chills me to the bone.
**
I turn the key and blink twice. The halogen lights are blinding and Skrillex assaults my ears. Katie bounds up to me - pupils dilated - holding Daisy in her arms who mews pathetically. I say, "What the fuck?" but Katie's already gone into a sea of dancing bodies. I squeeze past Dave and Leana into my tiny kitchen, feeling the uncomfortable warmth of undulating strangers. I shrug my jacket to the linoleum floor, feeling for the phone in my pocket. I reread Katie's text from two hours prior, telling me how she had to "figure some things out."
**
I turn the key and cough three times. Smoke pours from my matchbox kitchen and on the mattress Daisy yawns and stretches like a spring. Katie emerges behind a pillar wearing nothing but that stupid "Kiss the Crook" apron. Her smile is like a strobe light, and in her hands she cradles the remnants of a burnt casserole. "I've figured it out," she announces. "I'm no cook." I laugh. "You could have burnt this place down," I point out. I cross the room and open the sliding glass door. "Only if I wanted to," Katie says and I shiver into the night. | |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Antartica Research facilities - October 29, 2016
Catherine Collins was finally doing her life's work. Biology wasn't an easy field, but she was certain her efforts would make a difference. She was taking the vitals of a new couple in the lab.
"Gunther and Betty," she dictated into her audio log. "After thoroughly cleaning the oil off them, they are ready to be released. A marker has been put on their feet to track their reintegration into their society."
She implanted the device on the penguins and put them in their cage, so the intern could let them go in the morning. She went back to her bedroom to watch Community before Jackson came back.
She had found the perfect partner on him. Not only Jackson was tall and strong and loved to work on environmental purposes to the point of moving to the South Pole, he had *no clue* about internet culture. That meant they couldn't share many hobbies, but also that he wouldn't find out about her deepest, darkest secrets.
The door opened without her noticing. "Fancy some tea?" the bearded man asked, already carrying it with him. "you wouldn't believe what Li linked me today on Facebook."
"Really? anything interesting?" she said, putting some sugar on her cup.
"There's this site I didn't know about, you probably know more. Have you heard about 9gag?"
Catherine's hand suddenly started to tremble. It better wasn't what she thought it was.
"Yeah, it was this meme website that got shot down a few weeks ago."
"Really? But it looked so fun! Damn, I'm always late to this stuff. Anyway," he said, sitting next to her on the bed and taking off his smartphone, "he sent me a screenshot with the most hilarious text. Remember when we were kids and the internet was full with those anime creeps and that 4chan guy?"
"Both things are still true, dearey." She patted his head with a bit of sympathy. "Why?"
"Well, there was this weirdo who posted something so immature and embarrassing, it just turned 10 years old and it's still the most cringey thing online. Li says it even got an award!"
Catherine made mind maths. Ten years. Fuck. Nah, there were other cringe-worthy things in 2006, like those dudes who married anime characters, or the Invader Zim fanb-
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Can I give a look at it?"
"Sure, it's hilarious. It's called The Penguin of Doom and-"
Catherine took his phone, opened the window and threw it to the wilderness, where a walrus got hit on the head with it.
"If you ever mention that again, the marriage is off," she said, looking at him with her most psychotic look since she got off therapy for scarification. "Did you hear me, Jackson Roberts? The. Marriage. Is. OFF!!!"
Jackson nodded in terror, not knowing at all what had happened. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "OMG!!!!!!" says katy.
"What, poodle?" says her girlfriend of over a decade.
"Toodle poodle!"
"Toodly poodly poo!"
"POO! Sporky poo!"
"Sporky poo! Sporky poo." A pause. "What were you saying?"
"...HA ican'trememNOICAN... look what I found!"
They gather round the screen.
"teh penguin of doom!"
And then from her girlfriend in a french accent: "teh penguin of doom!"
"i cant belieeeeve it! I've ALWAYS been so... RANDOM!" A dramatic hand gesture. "I LOVE IT."
"Do you still love... PENGUINS?" her girlfriend replies.
"Penguins of DOOOM?"
"DOOOOM?"
"DOOOOOOM?"
They continue to say doom, elongating the vowel and ascending in pitch further and further until they are exaggeratedly straining and running out of breath.
Katy giggles uncontrollably and then makes an overblown show of calming down. "I'm the penguin... QUEEEN!" she throws an out of date tax return form that she has torn into hundreds of tiny pieces into the air above her. "Snowstorm!!!"
"LOL!" honks her girlfriend. And then suddenly: "Spork attaaaack!" she runs over from where she has been idly scribbling on a leaflet and headbutts Katy's chest, sending them tumbling on to the bed with each other. "I love you, penguin of doom!"
"No, wait idiot, you're the penguin of doom!" corrects Katy.
"...Haha what! You wrote the post!"
"Oh yeah! LOL!"
"LOL!"
"LOL!" | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "It's embarrassing," Hawkins said.
"I know. I know." Katie put her head in her hands. How it had come to this? Who had discovered that stupid wall of text, dragged it to the surface all these years later? Who had the resources, the energy, the *time* to go poking around in the hinterlands of ridiculous history like that? Ah, whatever - not a question worth asking. Someone, somewhere always had the time. She should know that by now. "But can't we spin it?"
"Spin it?" Hawkins raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Look - everyone does stupid things. Laughable things. Can't I just shrug this off with a shit-eating grin? Let he who is without sin, that kind of racket?" She sighed and tried a weak smile, an attempt at communality that didn't quite work. "I bet you wrote stupid stuff on the internet when you were young. I bet *everyone* did. Can't we work with that?"
"Well, now." Hawkins pushed up his glasses. He always did that before making a point. Katie had worked with the guy for about seven years. This habit had become tiring after six years, eleven months. "That's the thing, isn't it? 'When you were young'. If you'd written this when you were thirteen, that would be fine. Water under the bridge. As things stand ... you must have been, what, forty-three, forty-four?"
"Forty-five." Katie winced. "Look, I was going through a hard time. The divorce and everything. So I got drunk one night, I went on the internet and I ... well, I ... wrote this. I trolled a forum."
"You 'trolled'."
"Yes."
"You were 'trolling'". A laser-beam glare from Hawkins. "At the age of forty-five."
"Yes." Katie wondered - should she try to be defiant, to play the whole 'this could have happened to anyone' card? No. What was the point? She knew: she had done something stupidly immature and trivial, a pathetically juvenile act of internet pranking that someone thirty years her junior would have considered lame. And it wasn't just the *text* that was the issue. She had posted in on 4chan. Imagine what would happen when that news got out. Someone like *her* ... browsing 4chan.
"Madam President," Hawkins said, gazing out of the window of the Oval Office as though he could already see a phalanx of Fox News reporters crossing the White House lawn. "The press is going to have a field day with this." | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | You ever wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats remembering something you said a long time ago? I do, except that I'm constantly reminded. I go online and all I see is this stupid fucking paragraph I posted years back. It was during a rough year, my parents had just gotten divorced because I finally came out that my brother had raped me and my mom didn't believe me. My dad did and I was the reason for their now dissolved marriage. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. Now, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never existed to begin with. I'm sorry for the ramblings, but the sleeping pills should kick in soon. So long and thanks for all the shit. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Ms. Kathryn Pine typed out another set of instructions to be sent off to the office in China. She hardly gave any attention to the young man not too far from her own age waiting just outside the door, worry and uncertainty etched plainly on his face.
Quickly changing tabs, Kathryn waited another thirty seconds as a series of letters and numbers, names and money, ran across the screen. Nodding satisfactorily, she finished her message and gestured for the young man to come in.
Visibly relieved, the man sat down on the chair across from her desk, but not before quickly setting down a Styrofoam cup of coffee, black, with a small cup of cream right next to it, just as Ms. Pine liked every day at exactly 10:30. He waited quietly for the next part of the very nearly unbroken ritual, as Kathryn took the top off the cup, slowly poured in her cream and stirred it precisely five times.
Taking a sip and flicking her eyes to the clock on the desk, Kathryn nodded to herself, assured that the coffee was indeed to her satisfaction, and that her day was proceeding right on schedule. Setting it aside, she finally deigned to notice the young man sitting across from her. *Darren? David?* She was fairly certain that his name started with a D.
"What do you have for me?" She asked.
The young man, (*Daryl!* She thought, recalling his name) fumbled for a moment with the manila envelope in his hands, straightening some of the rebellious papers attempting to escape before handing it across. "Here's the report on Anamar Pharmaceutical that you wanted." The young woman took it wordlessly and set it aside on her desk, opposite the coffee. "I double checked the company report and supplemented it with my own research." He added hurriedly, desperately hoping that Ms. Pine might approve, but her expression remained the same as ever, a sort of appraising gaze that always seemed slightly disappointed in whatever she was looking at.
"Very proactive of you Daryl." She adjusted the the folder slightly.
Smiling broadly folded his hands and sat straighter in his chair, not the least bothered by the fact that Ms. Pine had gotten his name wrong, and not in the slightest inclined to correct her. "I hope this venture goes over well, Ms. Pine. I really think Anamar is worth looking into."
"If we thought otherwise we wouldn't be considering this deal." Kathryn remarked absently, already turning back to her computer and the next task she needed to do. After a moment though, she realized that Daryl was making no move to leave, and seemed concerned about something. "Is there anything else?"
Daryl cleared his throat, "Actually yes. A woman named Victoria called asking after you, she wanted to know if you'd be available this evening?"
Kathryn looked up from her computer, "Call Victoria back and tell her I'm going to be busy again this evening and that I'll get back to her in a day or two. You can get her number from my secretary."
Nodding vigorously Jake got up and went straight out the door, quick to get on the next task for Ms. Pine.
Kathryn, for her part, quickly scanned over her digital appointment calender and noticed, to her dismay, an error. The teleconference with Bain Capital that was scheduled for this hour had been moved to next week and the schedule hadn't been updated to reflect this. After several moments Kathryn realized that she had exactly nothing to do for the next 59 minutes until her working lunch. Glancing around the room uncomfortably, she finally gave in and decided to spend the next hour doing something she'd not done in years: surf the internet purposelessly.
Kathryn clicked around, quickly losing herself in the inanity of what she was doing when an odd post innocuously left in the corner of a random website she found herself on brought her back to her senses.
The spelling was atrocious, the grammar hardly better. It was written with the self conscious intent to attract attention and come off as "quirky" to horrifying results. Despite being alone, Kathryn couldn't quite help blushing in embarassment as the words of her younger self, the self-styled Penguin of Doom, seemed to run off the page.
Despite it all, there was something in the badly written post that brought her back to her teenage years. Before college, before high-school, before her first heartbreak and recovery. Shutting her eyes, Kathryn simply let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over her.
As the minutes ticked by, Kathryn finally opened her eyes once again, looking toward her computer. Another long minute later she closed her appointment calender and shot off a brief email to her boss before pulling on her coat and taking out her phone.
"Hello, Victoria?...Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that...Listen, it turns out I actually have the rest of the day off. Do you want to meet somewhere for lunch?...Yes, no that's perfect, I'll see you in an hour."
Kathryn strolled out of the office whistling off-key, a fact that caught the attention of every coworker she passed on her way to the door. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Paula lectured from the podium, her voice monotonous and calm. "But all of you are here now, so that means you're already on the road to recovery." Her smile is meant to be reassuring, but instead it comes off as crazy, her eyes a little too wide, her teeth gleaming the sickening white of a hungry ghost. "Who wants to start off today's sharing?"
Scumbag Steve walks up to the podium, the first to volunteer as always. A few groans ripple through the audience as Steve carefully takes his hat off, setting it down on the podium to announce, "so I was at my boy's pad the other night, we just chilling with some fine ladies when my sister calls, 'my car won't start' or some shit." All of his stories involve his sister, or parents, or his friends, and all he does is complain about them, each rant a litany of first world problems wrapped in a self-righteous my-time-is-better-than-yours attitude. I play with my phone to pass the time, a violation of Rule #1 that nobody cares about since Steve is at the microphone. "And the bitch was like, 'yo dawg, that's my spare tire' but I was like, 'finder's keepers, peace, I'm out'." He smiles and the crowd breaks into hesitant applause, more that he's finished than because of his words.
Overly Attached Girlfriend shares next, her speech a rambling, incoherent tale of her latest heartbreak. After her, Success Kid whines about his latest failures, and Confession Bear lives up to his name with 40-minutes of babbling that eventually gets cut off when Good Guy Greg throws his shoes at the 800lb carnivore.
"Who's next?" Paula asks.
I see Gabe Newell sitting in the back row playing Half Life 4, and in front of him Band Camp Kid looks like he wants to murder us all. Ron Paul stands to approach the podium but Paula politely asks him to leave, and that's when I accidentally make eye contact with The Neckbeard.
His eyes bore into my soul, his body odor confusing and repulsing me. He nods his head, yes, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly walking to the front of the room and staring at the crowd.
Shit. May as well though, I've been coming to these meetings for months without sharing. "Hi, everyone. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm a meme. The experience hasn't been very positive for me though, mostly I-"
"Who are you?" someone cries out. A few other voices add their confusion, so I don't really have a choice:
"I am a 47-year old male short order cook from Oaxaca, currently living in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm known as Katy, the Penguin of Doom."
"Fuck you!" Kermit the Frog shouts.
"Goddamn asshole," Ebola-Chan agrees.
"Uh, I used to pride myself on my randomness," I continued. "One day, I was feeling so random that I created an online persona who was 13-year old girl, and I've been living a lie ever since. I'm actually in five internet relationships right now, and uh, oh shit..."
Bad Luck Brian runs from the room in tears and Scumbag Stacy bursts out laughing, muttering, "what a loser."
I'm too embarrassed to continue, so I mutter, "gotta do damage control," and run after Brian.
There's no sign of him out front of the community center; just a gentle snowfall obscuring distances and making the world seem quieter than it actually is.
The voice from behind me makes me jump, the syllables muttered only inches from my right ear. "I'll be your pingwing of doom," Benedict Cumberbatch tells me, his eyes running up and down the length of my body several times.
"I gotta go," I manage, walking down the front steps and giving extra space to the SJW who's lecturing an openly weeping Brony. This town is too much for me some days.
As I round a corner three blocks down, I glance back and see Benedict Cumberbatch on the front steps, still watching me go. He's onto me, so I'll have to be extra careful from now on. I slip the Guy Fawkes mask over my face and break into a run. Somewhere, something is happening, and I'm the only one who can stop it, because I am Anonymous. I do not forgive, I do not forget. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm the Goddamned Penguin of Doom, fighting in the name of Love, Waffles, and- oh shit.
Benedict Cumberbatch leaps from a dark alley, his fist catching my chin. I stumble, my fedora rolling into the gutter. I feel his kicks impacting my stomach, then a single mighty blow striking my head. Everything goes black. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It could have gone better. Then again, translation matrices never were particularly precise.
Ten years ago, the declaration of war was sent. It promised the terrors Katy's people would bring, with their mastery of quantum space manipulation. As her troops readied their SP0RK-735s for battle, she looked over their new home-to-be.
The only life-form that their people could see as at all similar to themselves were what the humans called "PeNgU1Ns", almost identical to one of their long-distant ancestors in all but intelligence. The greatest minds in centuries had put years of work into a single, menacing message: it announced their superiority, their intent to kill and their unfathomably advanced technology.
Katy turns to her highest ranking officer, zim.
"15 t3h 4rM4D4 R34dY?!!!!!!!!!"
"45 500n 45 U g1v3 t3h 0rD3R XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good. These puny monkeys won't know what hit them. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Oh my god, noooooo," Katy said, burying her face in her hands. She was blushing, but smiling through her embarrasment.
"So you can see the kind of girl she was back then," Maurissa continued, gesturing at the screen behind her, over the laughter of the assembled families. "Don't worry, though... her spelling and taste in TV shows has improved vastly since then."
"Hey, no, Invader Zim was awesome!" said Dan.
"Whatever, bro. But ten years ago, Katy the penguin of doom would never have known where she was going to go - through breakups and makeups and school and jobs, all the way to this point. She didn't have a clue she would be sitting here, with her friends and family, ready to celebrate her new life together with the person she loves. Congratulations, Katy - be happy, and stay random!" | "A lot had changed since I was 13.
I realized I wasn't bisexual; really I just thought it was cool, and my parents might have been a little overbearing. It was my way of lashing out. That relationship went downhill fast after we tried to have sex and I thought peeing was how girls squirted. You live and you learn, I guess.
Although I thought I was mature then, I really am now. I started dating a guy - we met in a doctor's office. He's a little crazy, but I love him.
I did meet people on that website, too. I posted it on 4chan, and being the young dumb girl that I was, I met some people on the internet and trusted them. That was my problem. I started talking in some thread about CP, and I didn't know what that stood for - they posted stuff like Captain Picard from Star Trek and cheese pizza. Anyway, this one guy thought I was funny because I was just saying whatever came to mind. He posted his myspace and I sent him a message.
I thought he was so cool. And he was. He happened to live a town over, and we eventually agreed to meet up. We met at a mall and he was so funny, if a little bit awkward. He was 15 and drove illegally to meet up with me.
We ended up becoming pretty good friends, and he wanted to date me. Eventually, I said yes, and we went out for a few months. Once, we went out to the zoo because I really liked penguins. His mom drove us there and dropped us off, telling us she would be back in a couple hours to pick us up.
We called her when we were done looking at the animals, but she never answered. So we ended up being stuck at the zoo until it closed. Finally, at 10 pm, she remembered us, I guess. She came and picked us up. The car smelled a little weird; she'd been drinking heavily. We got a few miles away from the zoo before she drove on the wrong side of the road and ran head on into another car. The mom and I were the only ones that lived, and we barely did. She's in a wheelchair now, and I've got quite a few scars and was in the hospital for quite a long time.
My parents couldn't afford the bills and started to fight a lot. Eventually they divorced. I also never got to finish high school because of my time in the hospital. After I finally got back to school, all my old friends -"
"Katherine, who are you talking to? It's time for your pills."
*Katy puts down her spork*
"I guess I'll have to tell you about how I made Facebook later then! Love and waffles!"
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Antartica Research facilities - October 29, 2016
Catherine Collins was finally doing her life's work. Biology wasn't an easy field, but she was certain her efforts would make a difference. She was taking the vitals of a new couple in the lab.
"Gunther and Betty," she dictated into her audio log. "After thoroughly cleaning the oil off them, they are ready to be released. A marker has been put on their feet to track their reintegration into their society."
She implanted the device on the penguins and put them in their cage, so the intern could let them go in the morning. She went back to her bedroom to watch Community before Jackson came back.
She had found the perfect partner on him. Not only Jackson was tall and strong and loved to work on environmental purposes to the point of moving to the South Pole, he had *no clue* about internet culture. That meant they couldn't share many hobbies, but also that he wouldn't find out about her deepest, darkest secrets.
The door opened without her noticing. "Fancy some tea?" the bearded man asked, already carrying it with him. "you wouldn't believe what Li linked me today on Facebook."
"Really? anything interesting?" she said, putting some sugar on her cup.
"There's this site I didn't know about, you probably know more. Have you heard about 9gag?"
Catherine's hand suddenly started to tremble. It better wasn't what she thought it was.
"Yeah, it was this meme website that got shot down a few weeks ago."
"Really? But it looked so fun! Damn, I'm always late to this stuff. Anyway," he said, sitting next to her on the bed and taking off his smartphone, "he sent me a screenshot with the most hilarious text. Remember when we were kids and the internet was full with those anime creeps and that 4chan guy?"
"Both things are still true, dearey." She patted his head with a bit of sympathy. "Why?"
"Well, there was this weirdo who posted something so immature and embarrassing, it just turned 10 years old and it's still the most cringey thing online. Li says it even got an award!"
Catherine made mind maths. Ten years. Fuck. Nah, there were other cringe-worthy things in 2006, like those dudes who married anime characters, or the Invader Zim fanb-
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Can I give a look at it?"
"Sure, it's hilarious. It's called The Penguin of Doom and-"
Catherine took his phone, opened the window and threw it to the wilderness, where a walrus got hit on the head with it.
"If you ever mention that again, the marriage is off," she said, looking at him with her most psychotic look since she got off therapy for scarification. "Did you hear me, Jackson Roberts? The. Marriage. Is. OFF!!!"
Jackson nodded in terror, not knowing at all what had happened. | A howl of laughter emerged from Katy's mouth as she and her friends looked over the post she had written a decade earlier.
"No wait-wait look! Check this, LOVE AND WAFFLES! BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, gee, haha...Oh...Wow, I can't believe I wrote that!"
Katy's current job was a vice president of a local company and she had a decent pay. What may have been a tumblr-dwelling fanfic writer turned out to be a pretty successful person.
"Holds up spork?! Heh, why the sporks Katy?" cried another friend as another onslaught of laughter came about.
"I think it was another Invader Zim thing, I really don't know why I liked that show. I think we should rewatch it." replied Katy as she launched up Netflix and she and her friends watched Invader Zim.
MST3K style.
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "OMG!!!!!!" says katy.
"What, poodle?" says her girlfriend of over a decade.
"Toodle poodle!"
"Toodly poodly poo!"
"POO! Sporky poo!"
"Sporky poo! Sporky poo." A pause. "What were you saying?"
"...HA ican'trememNOICAN... look what I found!"
They gather round the screen.
"teh penguin of doom!"
And then from her girlfriend in a french accent: "teh penguin of doom!"
"i cant belieeeeve it! I've ALWAYS been so... RANDOM!" A dramatic hand gesture. "I LOVE IT."
"Do you still love... PENGUINS?" her girlfriend replies.
"Penguins of DOOOM?"
"DOOOOM?"
"DOOOOOOM?"
They continue to say doom, elongating the vowel and ascending in pitch further and further until they are exaggeratedly straining and running out of breath.
Katy giggles uncontrollably and then makes an overblown show of calming down. "I'm the penguin... QUEEEN!" she throws an out of date tax return form that she has torn into hundreds of tiny pieces into the air above her. "Snowstorm!!!"
"LOL!" honks her girlfriend. And then suddenly: "Spork attaaaack!" she runs over from where she has been idly scribbling on a leaflet and headbutts Katy's chest, sending them tumbling on to the bed with each other. "I love you, penguin of doom!"
"No, wait idiot, you're the penguin of doom!" corrects Katy.
"...Haha what! You wrote the post!"
"Oh yeah! LOL!"
"LOL!"
"LOL!" | A howl of laughter emerged from Katy's mouth as she and her friends looked over the post she had written a decade earlier.
"No wait-wait look! Check this, LOVE AND WAFFLES! BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, gee, haha...Oh...Wow, I can't believe I wrote that!"
Katy's current job was a vice president of a local company and she had a decent pay. What may have been a tumblr-dwelling fanfic writer turned out to be a pretty successful person.
"Holds up spork?! Heh, why the sporks Katy?" cried another friend as another onslaught of laughter came about.
"I think it was another Invader Zim thing, I really don't know why I liked that show. I think we should rewatch it." replied Katy as she launched up Netflix and she and her friends watched Invader Zim.
MST3K style.
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "It's embarrassing," Hawkins said.
"I know. I know." Katie put her head in her hands. How it had come to this? Who had discovered that stupid wall of text, dragged it to the surface all these years later? Who had the resources, the energy, the *time* to go poking around in the hinterlands of ridiculous history like that? Ah, whatever - not a question worth asking. Someone, somewhere always had the time. She should know that by now. "But can't we spin it?"
"Spin it?" Hawkins raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Look - everyone does stupid things. Laughable things. Can't I just shrug this off with a shit-eating grin? Let he who is without sin, that kind of racket?" She sighed and tried a weak smile, an attempt at communality that didn't quite work. "I bet you wrote stupid stuff on the internet when you were young. I bet *everyone* did. Can't we work with that?"
"Well, now." Hawkins pushed up his glasses. He always did that before making a point. Katie had worked with the guy for about seven years. This habit had become tiring after six years, eleven months. "That's the thing, isn't it? 'When you were young'. If you'd written this when you were thirteen, that would be fine. Water under the bridge. As things stand ... you must have been, what, forty-three, forty-four?"
"Forty-five." Katie winced. "Look, I was going through a hard time. The divorce and everything. So I got drunk one night, I went on the internet and I ... well, I ... wrote this. I trolled a forum."
"You 'trolled'."
"Yes."
"You were 'trolling'". A laser-beam glare from Hawkins. "At the age of forty-five."
"Yes." Katie wondered - should she try to be defiant, to play the whole 'this could have happened to anyone' card? No. What was the point? She knew: she had done something stupidly immature and trivial, a pathetically juvenile act of internet pranking that someone thirty years her junior would have considered lame. And it wasn't just the *text* that was the issue. She had posted in on 4chan. Imagine what would happen when that news got out. Someone like *her* ... browsing 4chan.
"Madam President," Hawkins said, gazing out of the window of the Oval Office as though he could already see a phalanx of Fox News reporters crossing the White House lawn. "The press is going to have a field day with this." | A howl of laughter emerged from Katy's mouth as she and her friends looked over the post she had written a decade earlier.
"No wait-wait look! Check this, LOVE AND WAFFLES! BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, gee, haha...Oh...Wow, I can't believe I wrote that!"
Katy's current job was a vice president of a local company and she had a decent pay. What may have been a tumblr-dwelling fanfic writer turned out to be a pretty successful person.
"Holds up spork?! Heh, why the sporks Katy?" cried another friend as another onslaught of laughter came about.
"I think it was another Invader Zim thing, I really don't know why I liked that show. I think we should rewatch it." replied Katy as she launched up Netflix and she and her friends watched Invader Zim.
MST3K style.
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Ms. Kathryn Pine typed out another set of instructions to be sent off to the office in China. She hardly gave any attention to the young man not too far from her own age waiting just outside the door, worry and uncertainty etched plainly on his face.
Quickly changing tabs, Kathryn waited another thirty seconds as a series of letters and numbers, names and money, ran across the screen. Nodding satisfactorily, she finished her message and gestured for the young man to come in.
Visibly relieved, the man sat down on the chair across from her desk, but not before quickly setting down a Styrofoam cup of coffee, black, with a small cup of cream right next to it, just as Ms. Pine liked every day at exactly 10:30. He waited quietly for the next part of the very nearly unbroken ritual, as Kathryn took the top off the cup, slowly poured in her cream and stirred it precisely five times.
Taking a sip and flicking her eyes to the clock on the desk, Kathryn nodded to herself, assured that the coffee was indeed to her satisfaction, and that her day was proceeding right on schedule. Setting it aside, she finally deigned to notice the young man sitting across from her. *Darren? David?* She was fairly certain that his name started with a D.
"What do you have for me?" She asked.
The young man, (*Daryl!* She thought, recalling his name) fumbled for a moment with the manila envelope in his hands, straightening some of the rebellious papers attempting to escape before handing it across. "Here's the report on Anamar Pharmaceutical that you wanted." The young woman took it wordlessly and set it aside on her desk, opposite the coffee. "I double checked the company report and supplemented it with my own research." He added hurriedly, desperately hoping that Ms. Pine might approve, but her expression remained the same as ever, a sort of appraising gaze that always seemed slightly disappointed in whatever she was looking at.
"Very proactive of you Daryl." She adjusted the the folder slightly.
Smiling broadly folded his hands and sat straighter in his chair, not the least bothered by the fact that Ms. Pine had gotten his name wrong, and not in the slightest inclined to correct her. "I hope this venture goes over well, Ms. Pine. I really think Anamar is worth looking into."
"If we thought otherwise we wouldn't be considering this deal." Kathryn remarked absently, already turning back to her computer and the next task she needed to do. After a moment though, she realized that Daryl was making no move to leave, and seemed concerned about something. "Is there anything else?"
Daryl cleared his throat, "Actually yes. A woman named Victoria called asking after you, she wanted to know if you'd be available this evening?"
Kathryn looked up from her computer, "Call Victoria back and tell her I'm going to be busy again this evening and that I'll get back to her in a day or two. You can get her number from my secretary."
Nodding vigorously Jake got up and went straight out the door, quick to get on the next task for Ms. Pine.
Kathryn, for her part, quickly scanned over her digital appointment calender and noticed, to her dismay, an error. The teleconference with Bain Capital that was scheduled for this hour had been moved to next week and the schedule hadn't been updated to reflect this. After several moments Kathryn realized that she had exactly nothing to do for the next 59 minutes until her working lunch. Glancing around the room uncomfortably, she finally gave in and decided to spend the next hour doing something she'd not done in years: surf the internet purposelessly.
Kathryn clicked around, quickly losing herself in the inanity of what she was doing when an odd post innocuously left in the corner of a random website she found herself on brought her back to her senses.
The spelling was atrocious, the grammar hardly better. It was written with the self conscious intent to attract attention and come off as "quirky" to horrifying results. Despite being alone, Kathryn couldn't quite help blushing in embarassment as the words of her younger self, the self-styled Penguin of Doom, seemed to run off the page.
Despite it all, there was something in the badly written post that brought her back to her teenage years. Before college, before high-school, before her first heartbreak and recovery. Shutting her eyes, Kathryn simply let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over her.
As the minutes ticked by, Kathryn finally opened her eyes once again, looking toward her computer. Another long minute later she closed her appointment calender and shot off a brief email to her boss before pulling on her coat and taking out her phone.
"Hello, Victoria?...Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that...Listen, it turns out I actually have the rest of the day off. Do you want to meet somewhere for lunch?...Yes, no that's perfect, I'll see you in an hour."
Kathryn strolled out of the office whistling off-key, a fact that caught the attention of every coworker she passed on her way to the door. | A howl of laughter emerged from Katy's mouth as she and her friends looked over the post she had written a decade earlier.
"No wait-wait look! Check this, LOVE AND WAFFLES! BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, gee, haha...Oh...Wow, I can't believe I wrote that!"
Katy's current job was a vice president of a local company and she had a decent pay. What may have been a tumblr-dwelling fanfic writer turned out to be a pretty successful person.
"Holds up spork?! Heh, why the sporks Katy?" cried another friend as another onslaught of laughter came about.
"I think it was another Invader Zim thing, I really don't know why I liked that show. I think we should rewatch it." replied Katy as she launched up Netflix and she and her friends watched Invader Zim.
MST3K style.
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | A howl of laughter emerged from Katy's mouth as she and her friends looked over the post she had written a decade earlier.
"No wait-wait look! Check this, LOVE AND WAFFLES! BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, gee, haha...Oh...Wow, I can't believe I wrote that!"
Katy's current job was a vice president of a local company and she had a decent pay. What may have been a tumblr-dwelling fanfic writer turned out to be a pretty successful person.
"Holds up spork?! Heh, why the sporks Katy?" cried another friend as another onslaught of laughter came about.
"I think it was another Invader Zim thing, I really don't know why I liked that show. I think we should rewatch it." replied Katy as she launched up Netflix and she and her friends watched Invader Zim.
MST3K style.
|
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "OMG!!!!!!" says katy.
"What, poodle?" says her girlfriend of over a decade.
"Toodle poodle!"
"Toodly poodly poo!"
"POO! Sporky poo!"
"Sporky poo! Sporky poo." A pause. "What were you saying?"
"...HA ican'trememNOICAN... look what I found!"
They gather round the screen.
"teh penguin of doom!"
And then from her girlfriend in a french accent: "teh penguin of doom!"
"i cant belieeeeve it! I've ALWAYS been so... RANDOM!" A dramatic hand gesture. "I LOVE IT."
"Do you still love... PENGUINS?" her girlfriend replies.
"Penguins of DOOOM?"
"DOOOOM?"
"DOOOOOOM?"
They continue to say doom, elongating the vowel and ascending in pitch further and further until they are exaggeratedly straining and running out of breath.
Katy giggles uncontrollably and then makes an overblown show of calming down. "I'm the penguin... QUEEEN!" she throws an out of date tax return form that she has torn into hundreds of tiny pieces into the air above her. "Snowstorm!!!"
"LOL!" honks her girlfriend. And then suddenly: "Spork attaaaack!" she runs over from where she has been idly scribbling on a leaflet and headbutts Katy's chest, sending them tumbling on to the bed with each other. "I love you, penguin of doom!"
"No, wait idiot, you're the penguin of doom!" corrects Katy.
"...Haha what! You wrote the post!"
"Oh yeah! LOL!"
"LOL!"
"LOL!" | "R-E-D-D-I-T..."
Kathryn stared at the computer screen, watching as reddit.com, an old website she used to visit, load. She gasped as she saw her old account, abandoned 10 years ago. She didn't even know it still existed.
She remembered it now. All of the old times she had spent came back to her. She had named herself 't3h_PeNgUIN_0F_d0Om' because of her love for penguins and Invader Zim. She had made up a girlfriend to try and seem cool, and her bi-sexuality never existed. She made so many spelling errors, so many random comments, just to get attention. She had wasted those years as a 13-year old...and look at her now.
Kathryn was now 23. She suffered mutiple personality disorder, and named them Kathryn and Katy. Kathryn was her birth personality - a calm, collected girl who learned quickly and listened often. Katy was something she just grew - a rambunctious, childish girl who said wrong things at the wrong time and the wrong place. Now, she looked back at Katy's misdoings.
"I...I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Katy. I forgive you." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "It's embarrassing," Hawkins said.
"I know. I know." Katie put her head in her hands. How it had come to this? Who had discovered that stupid wall of text, dragged it to the surface all these years later? Who had the resources, the energy, the *time* to go poking around in the hinterlands of ridiculous history like that? Ah, whatever - not a question worth asking. Someone, somewhere always had the time. She should know that by now. "But can't we spin it?"
"Spin it?" Hawkins raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Look - everyone does stupid things. Laughable things. Can't I just shrug this off with a shit-eating grin? Let he who is without sin, that kind of racket?" She sighed and tried a weak smile, an attempt at communality that didn't quite work. "I bet you wrote stupid stuff on the internet when you were young. I bet *everyone* did. Can't we work with that?"
"Well, now." Hawkins pushed up his glasses. He always did that before making a point. Katie had worked with the guy for about seven years. This habit had become tiring after six years, eleven months. "That's the thing, isn't it? 'When you were young'. If you'd written this when you were thirteen, that would be fine. Water under the bridge. As things stand ... you must have been, what, forty-three, forty-four?"
"Forty-five." Katie winced. "Look, I was going through a hard time. The divorce and everything. So I got drunk one night, I went on the internet and I ... well, I ... wrote this. I trolled a forum."
"You 'trolled'."
"Yes."
"You were 'trolling'". A laser-beam glare from Hawkins. "At the age of forty-five."
"Yes." Katie wondered - should she try to be defiant, to play the whole 'this could have happened to anyone' card? No. What was the point? She knew: she had done something stupidly immature and trivial, a pathetically juvenile act of internet pranking that someone thirty years her junior would have considered lame. And it wasn't just the *text* that was the issue. She had posted in on 4chan. Imagine what would happen when that news got out. Someone like *her* ... browsing 4chan.
"Madam President," Hawkins said, gazing out of the window of the Oval Office as though he could already see a phalanx of Fox News reporters crossing the White House lawn. "The press is going to have a field day with this." | "R-E-D-D-I-T..."
Kathryn stared at the computer screen, watching as reddit.com, an old website she used to visit, load. She gasped as she saw her old account, abandoned 10 years ago. She didn't even know it still existed.
She remembered it now. All of the old times she had spent came back to her. She had named herself 't3h_PeNgUIN_0F_d0Om' because of her love for penguins and Invader Zim. She had made up a girlfriend to try and seem cool, and her bi-sexuality never existed. She made so many spelling errors, so many random comments, just to get attention. She had wasted those years as a 13-year old...and look at her now.
Kathryn was now 23. She suffered mutiple personality disorder, and named them Kathryn and Katy. Kathryn was her birth personality - a calm, collected girl who learned quickly and listened often. Katy was something she just grew - a rambunctious, childish girl who said wrong things at the wrong time and the wrong place. Now, she looked back at Katy's misdoings.
"I...I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Katy. I forgive you." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | "R-E-D-D-I-T..."
Kathryn stared at the computer screen, watching as reddit.com, an old website she used to visit, load. She gasped as she saw her old account, abandoned 10 years ago. She didn't even know it still existed.
She remembered it now. All of the old times she had spent came back to her. She had named herself 't3h_PeNgUIN_0F_d0Om' because of her love for penguins and Invader Zim. She had made up a girlfriend to try and seem cool, and her bi-sexuality never existed. She made so many spelling errors, so many random comments, just to get attention. She had wasted those years as a 13-year old...and look at her now.
Kathryn was now 23. She suffered mutiple personality disorder, and named them Kathryn and Katy. Kathryn was her birth personality - a calm, collected girl who learned quickly and listened often. Katy was something she just grew - a rambunctious, childish girl who said wrong things at the wrong time and the wrong place. Now, she looked back at Katy's misdoings.
"I...I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Katy. I forgive you." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "OMG!!!!!!" says katy.
"What, poodle?" says her girlfriend of over a decade.
"Toodle poodle!"
"Toodly poodly poo!"
"POO! Sporky poo!"
"Sporky poo! Sporky poo." A pause. "What were you saying?"
"...HA ican'trememNOICAN... look what I found!"
They gather round the screen.
"teh penguin of doom!"
And then from her girlfriend in a french accent: "teh penguin of doom!"
"i cant belieeeeve it! I've ALWAYS been so... RANDOM!" A dramatic hand gesture. "I LOVE IT."
"Do you still love... PENGUINS?" her girlfriend replies.
"Penguins of DOOOM?"
"DOOOOM?"
"DOOOOOOM?"
They continue to say doom, elongating the vowel and ascending in pitch further and further until they are exaggeratedly straining and running out of breath.
Katy giggles uncontrollably and then makes an overblown show of calming down. "I'm the penguin... QUEEEN!" she throws an out of date tax return form that she has torn into hundreds of tiny pieces into the air above her. "Snowstorm!!!"
"LOL!" honks her girlfriend. And then suddenly: "Spork attaaaack!" she runs over from where she has been idly scribbling on a leaflet and headbutts Katy's chest, sending them tumbling on to the bed with each other. "I love you, penguin of doom!"
"No, wait idiot, you're the penguin of doom!" corrects Katy.
"...Haha what! You wrote the post!"
"Oh yeah! LOL!"
"LOL!"
"LOL!" | "Oh God, I wrote what?" Katy Pendergrast said to herself, looking at her Geocities home page, which she hadn't logged into in nine and a half years. She looked at the visitor counter - 73 visits since 11-18-2004.
"Delete, delete, delete," she muttered to herself, tapping buttons and clicking mouseclicks.
"Fixed it." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "It's embarrassing," Hawkins said.
"I know. I know." Katie put her head in her hands. How it had come to this? Who had discovered that stupid wall of text, dragged it to the surface all these years later? Who had the resources, the energy, the *time* to go poking around in the hinterlands of ridiculous history like that? Ah, whatever - not a question worth asking. Someone, somewhere always had the time. She should know that by now. "But can't we spin it?"
"Spin it?" Hawkins raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Look - everyone does stupid things. Laughable things. Can't I just shrug this off with a shit-eating grin? Let he who is without sin, that kind of racket?" She sighed and tried a weak smile, an attempt at communality that didn't quite work. "I bet you wrote stupid stuff on the internet when you were young. I bet *everyone* did. Can't we work with that?"
"Well, now." Hawkins pushed up his glasses. He always did that before making a point. Katie had worked with the guy for about seven years. This habit had become tiring after six years, eleven months. "That's the thing, isn't it? 'When you were young'. If you'd written this when you were thirteen, that would be fine. Water under the bridge. As things stand ... you must have been, what, forty-three, forty-four?"
"Forty-five." Katie winced. "Look, I was going through a hard time. The divorce and everything. So I got drunk one night, I went on the internet and I ... well, I ... wrote this. I trolled a forum."
"You 'trolled'."
"Yes."
"You were 'trolling'". A laser-beam glare from Hawkins. "At the age of forty-five."
"Yes." Katie wondered - should she try to be defiant, to play the whole 'this could have happened to anyone' card? No. What was the point? She knew: she had done something stupidly immature and trivial, a pathetically juvenile act of internet pranking that someone thirty years her junior would have considered lame. And it wasn't just the *text* that was the issue. She had posted in on 4chan. Imagine what would happen when that news got out. Someone like *her* ... browsing 4chan.
"Madam President," Hawkins said, gazing out of the window of the Oval Office as though he could already see a phalanx of Fox News reporters crossing the White House lawn. "The press is going to have a field day with this." | "Oh God, I wrote what?" Katy Pendergrast said to herself, looking at her Geocities home page, which she hadn't logged into in nine and a half years. She looked at the visitor counter - 73 visits since 11-18-2004.
"Delete, delete, delete," she muttered to herself, tapping buttons and clicking mouseclicks.
"Fixed it." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | "Oh God, I wrote what?" Katy Pendergrast said to herself, looking at her Geocities home page, which she hadn't logged into in nine and a half years. She looked at the visitor counter - 73 visits since 11-18-2004.
"Delete, delete, delete," she muttered to herself, tapping buttons and clicking mouseclicks.
"Fixed it." |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Ms. Kathryn Pine typed out another set of instructions to be sent off to the office in China. She hardly gave any attention to the young man not too far from her own age waiting just outside the door, worry and uncertainty etched plainly on his face.
Quickly changing tabs, Kathryn waited another thirty seconds as a series of letters and numbers, names and money, ran across the screen. Nodding satisfactorily, she finished her message and gestured for the young man to come in.
Visibly relieved, the man sat down on the chair across from her desk, but not before quickly setting down a Styrofoam cup of coffee, black, with a small cup of cream right next to it, just as Ms. Pine liked every day at exactly 10:30. He waited quietly for the next part of the very nearly unbroken ritual, as Kathryn took the top off the cup, slowly poured in her cream and stirred it precisely five times.
Taking a sip and flicking her eyes to the clock on the desk, Kathryn nodded to herself, assured that the coffee was indeed to her satisfaction, and that her day was proceeding right on schedule. Setting it aside, she finally deigned to notice the young man sitting across from her. *Darren? David?* She was fairly certain that his name started with a D.
"What do you have for me?" She asked.
The young man, (*Daryl!* She thought, recalling his name) fumbled for a moment with the manila envelope in his hands, straightening some of the rebellious papers attempting to escape before handing it across. "Here's the report on Anamar Pharmaceutical that you wanted." The young woman took it wordlessly and set it aside on her desk, opposite the coffee. "I double checked the company report and supplemented it with my own research." He added hurriedly, desperately hoping that Ms. Pine might approve, but her expression remained the same as ever, a sort of appraising gaze that always seemed slightly disappointed in whatever she was looking at.
"Very proactive of you Daryl." She adjusted the the folder slightly.
Smiling broadly folded his hands and sat straighter in his chair, not the least bothered by the fact that Ms. Pine had gotten his name wrong, and not in the slightest inclined to correct her. "I hope this venture goes over well, Ms. Pine. I really think Anamar is worth looking into."
"If we thought otherwise we wouldn't be considering this deal." Kathryn remarked absently, already turning back to her computer and the next task she needed to do. After a moment though, she realized that Daryl was making no move to leave, and seemed concerned about something. "Is there anything else?"
Daryl cleared his throat, "Actually yes. A woman named Victoria called asking after you, she wanted to know if you'd be available this evening?"
Kathryn looked up from her computer, "Call Victoria back and tell her I'm going to be busy again this evening and that I'll get back to her in a day or two. You can get her number from my secretary."
Nodding vigorously Jake got up and went straight out the door, quick to get on the next task for Ms. Pine.
Kathryn, for her part, quickly scanned over her digital appointment calender and noticed, to her dismay, an error. The teleconference with Bain Capital that was scheduled for this hour had been moved to next week and the schedule hadn't been updated to reflect this. After several moments Kathryn realized that she had exactly nothing to do for the next 59 minutes until her working lunch. Glancing around the room uncomfortably, she finally gave in and decided to spend the next hour doing something she'd not done in years: surf the internet purposelessly.
Kathryn clicked around, quickly losing herself in the inanity of what she was doing when an odd post innocuously left in the corner of a random website she found herself on brought her back to her senses.
The spelling was atrocious, the grammar hardly better. It was written with the self conscious intent to attract attention and come off as "quirky" to horrifying results. Despite being alone, Kathryn couldn't quite help blushing in embarassment as the words of her younger self, the self-styled Penguin of Doom, seemed to run off the page.
Despite it all, there was something in the badly written post that brought her back to her teenage years. Before college, before high-school, before her first heartbreak and recovery. Shutting her eyes, Kathryn simply let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over her.
As the minutes ticked by, Kathryn finally opened her eyes once again, looking toward her computer. Another long minute later she closed her appointment calender and shot off a brief email to her boss before pulling on her coat and taking out her phone.
"Hello, Victoria?...Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that...Listen, it turns out I actually have the rest of the day off. Do you want to meet somewhere for lunch?...Yes, no that's perfect, I'll see you in an hour."
Kathryn strolled out of the office whistling off-key, a fact that caught the attention of every coworker she passed on her way to the door. | Antartica Research facilities - October 29, 2016
Catherine Collins was finally doing her life's work. Biology wasn't an easy field, but she was certain her efforts would make a difference. She was taking the vitals of a new couple in the lab.
"Gunther and Betty," she dictated into her audio log. "After thoroughly cleaning the oil off them, they are ready to be released. A marker has been put on their feet to track their reintegration into their society."
She implanted the device on the penguins and put them in their cage, so the intern could let them go in the morning. She went back to her bedroom to watch Community before Jackson came back.
She had found the perfect partner on him. Not only Jackson was tall and strong and loved to work on environmental purposes to the point of moving to the South Pole, he had *no clue* about internet culture. That meant they couldn't share many hobbies, but also that he wouldn't find out about her deepest, darkest secrets.
The door opened without her noticing. "Fancy some tea?" the bearded man asked, already carrying it with him. "you wouldn't believe what Li linked me today on Facebook."
"Really? anything interesting?" she said, putting some sugar on her cup.
"There's this site I didn't know about, you probably know more. Have you heard about 9gag?"
Catherine's hand suddenly started to tremble. It better wasn't what she thought it was.
"Yeah, it was this meme website that got shot down a few weeks ago."
"Really? But it looked so fun! Damn, I'm always late to this stuff. Anyway," he said, sitting next to her on the bed and taking off his smartphone, "he sent me a screenshot with the most hilarious text. Remember when we were kids and the internet was full with those anime creeps and that 4chan guy?"
"Both things are still true, dearey." She patted his head with a bit of sympathy. "Why?"
"Well, there was this weirdo who posted something so immature and embarrassing, it just turned 10 years old and it's still the most cringey thing online. Li says it even got an award!"
Catherine made mind maths. Ten years. Fuck. Nah, there were other cringe-worthy things in 2006, like those dudes who married anime characters, or the Invader Zim fanb-
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Can I give a look at it?"
"Sure, it's hilarious. It's called The Penguin of Doom and-"
Catherine took his phone, opened the window and threw it to the wilderness, where a walrus got hit on the head with it.
"If you ever mention that again, the marriage is off," she said, looking at him with her most psychotic look since she got off therapy for scarification. "Did you hear me, Jackson Roberts? The. Marriage. Is. OFF!!!"
Jackson nodded in terror, not knowing at all what had happened. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | Antartica Research facilities - October 29, 2016
Catherine Collins was finally doing her life's work. Biology wasn't an easy field, but she was certain her efforts would make a difference. She was taking the vitals of a new couple in the lab.
"Gunther and Betty," she dictated into her audio log. "After thoroughly cleaning the oil off them, they are ready to be released. A marker has been put on their feet to track their reintegration into their society."
She implanted the device on the penguins and put them in their cage, so the intern could let them go in the morning. She went back to her bedroom to watch Community before Jackson came back.
She had found the perfect partner on him. Not only Jackson was tall and strong and loved to work on environmental purposes to the point of moving to the South Pole, he had *no clue* about internet culture. That meant they couldn't share many hobbies, but also that he wouldn't find out about her deepest, darkest secrets.
The door opened without her noticing. "Fancy some tea?" the bearded man asked, already carrying it with him. "you wouldn't believe what Li linked me today on Facebook."
"Really? anything interesting?" she said, putting some sugar on her cup.
"There's this site I didn't know about, you probably know more. Have you heard about 9gag?"
Catherine's hand suddenly started to tremble. It better wasn't what she thought it was.
"Yeah, it was this meme website that got shot down a few weeks ago."
"Really? But it looked so fun! Damn, I'm always late to this stuff. Anyway," he said, sitting next to her on the bed and taking off his smartphone, "he sent me a screenshot with the most hilarious text. Remember when we were kids and the internet was full with those anime creeps and that 4chan guy?"
"Both things are still true, dearey." She patted his head with a bit of sympathy. "Why?"
"Well, there was this weirdo who posted something so immature and embarrassing, it just turned 10 years old and it's still the most cringey thing online. Li says it even got an award!"
Catherine made mind maths. Ten years. Fuck. Nah, there were other cringe-worthy things in 2006, like those dudes who married anime characters, or the Invader Zim fanb-
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Can I give a look at it?"
"Sure, it's hilarious. It's called The Penguin of Doom and-"
Catherine took his phone, opened the window and threw it to the wilderness, where a walrus got hit on the head with it.
"If you ever mention that again, the marriage is off," she said, looking at him with her most psychotic look since she got off therapy for scarification. "Did you hear me, Jackson Roberts? The. Marriage. Is. OFF!!!"
Jackson nodded in terror, not knowing at all what had happened. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | "OMG!!!!!!" says katy.
"What, poodle?" says her girlfriend of over a decade.
"Toodle poodle!"
"Toodly poodly poo!"
"POO! Sporky poo!"
"Sporky poo! Sporky poo." A pause. "What were you saying?"
"...HA ican'trememNOICAN... look what I found!"
They gather round the screen.
"teh penguin of doom!"
And then from her girlfriend in a french accent: "teh penguin of doom!"
"i cant belieeeeve it! I've ALWAYS been so... RANDOM!" A dramatic hand gesture. "I LOVE IT."
"Do you still love... PENGUINS?" her girlfriend replies.
"Penguins of DOOOM?"
"DOOOOM?"
"DOOOOOOM?"
They continue to say doom, elongating the vowel and ascending in pitch further and further until they are exaggeratedly straining and running out of breath.
Katy giggles uncontrollably and then makes an overblown show of calming down. "I'm the penguin... QUEEEN!" she throws an out of date tax return form that she has torn into hundreds of tiny pieces into the air above her. "Snowstorm!!!"
"LOL!" honks her girlfriend. And then suddenly: "Spork attaaaack!" she runs over from where she has been idly scribbling on a leaflet and headbutts Katy's chest, sending them tumbling on to the bed with each other. "I love you, penguin of doom!"
"No, wait idiot, you're the penguin of doom!" corrects Katy.
"...Haha what! You wrote the post!"
"Oh yeah! LOL!"
"LOL!"
"LOL!" |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | You ever wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats remembering something you said a long time ago? I do, except that I'm constantly reminded. I go online and all I see is this stupid fucking paragraph I posted years back. It was during a rough year, my parents had just gotten divorced because I finally came out that my brother had raped me and my mom didn't believe me. My dad did and I was the reason for their now dissolved marriage. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. Now, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never existed to begin with. I'm sorry for the ramblings, but the sleeping pills should kick in soon. So long and thanks for all the shit. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Ms. Kathryn Pine typed out another set of instructions to be sent off to the office in China. She hardly gave any attention to the young man not too far from her own age waiting just outside the door, worry and uncertainty etched plainly on his face.
Quickly changing tabs, Kathryn waited another thirty seconds as a series of letters and numbers, names and money, ran across the screen. Nodding satisfactorily, she finished her message and gestured for the young man to come in.
Visibly relieved, the man sat down on the chair across from her desk, but not before quickly setting down a Styrofoam cup of coffee, black, with a small cup of cream right next to it, just as Ms. Pine liked every day at exactly 10:30. He waited quietly for the next part of the very nearly unbroken ritual, as Kathryn took the top off the cup, slowly poured in her cream and stirred it precisely five times.
Taking a sip and flicking her eyes to the clock on the desk, Kathryn nodded to herself, assured that the coffee was indeed to her satisfaction, and that her day was proceeding right on schedule. Setting it aside, she finally deigned to notice the young man sitting across from her. *Darren? David?* She was fairly certain that his name started with a D.
"What do you have for me?" She asked.
The young man, (*Daryl!* She thought, recalling his name) fumbled for a moment with the manila envelope in his hands, straightening some of the rebellious papers attempting to escape before handing it across. "Here's the report on Anamar Pharmaceutical that you wanted." The young woman took it wordlessly and set it aside on her desk, opposite the coffee. "I double checked the company report and supplemented it with my own research." He added hurriedly, desperately hoping that Ms. Pine might approve, but her expression remained the same as ever, a sort of appraising gaze that always seemed slightly disappointed in whatever she was looking at.
"Very proactive of you Daryl." She adjusted the the folder slightly.
Smiling broadly folded his hands and sat straighter in his chair, not the least bothered by the fact that Ms. Pine had gotten his name wrong, and not in the slightest inclined to correct her. "I hope this venture goes over well, Ms. Pine. I really think Anamar is worth looking into."
"If we thought otherwise we wouldn't be considering this deal." Kathryn remarked absently, already turning back to her computer and the next task she needed to do. After a moment though, she realized that Daryl was making no move to leave, and seemed concerned about something. "Is there anything else?"
Daryl cleared his throat, "Actually yes. A woman named Victoria called asking after you, she wanted to know if you'd be available this evening?"
Kathryn looked up from her computer, "Call Victoria back and tell her I'm going to be busy again this evening and that I'll get back to her in a day or two. You can get her number from my secretary."
Nodding vigorously Jake got up and went straight out the door, quick to get on the next task for Ms. Pine.
Kathryn, for her part, quickly scanned over her digital appointment calender and noticed, to her dismay, an error. The teleconference with Bain Capital that was scheduled for this hour had been moved to next week and the schedule hadn't been updated to reflect this. After several moments Kathryn realized that she had exactly nothing to do for the next 59 minutes until her working lunch. Glancing around the room uncomfortably, she finally gave in and decided to spend the next hour doing something she'd not done in years: surf the internet purposelessly.
Kathryn clicked around, quickly losing herself in the inanity of what she was doing when an odd post innocuously left in the corner of a random website she found herself on brought her back to her senses.
The spelling was atrocious, the grammar hardly better. It was written with the self conscious intent to attract attention and come off as "quirky" to horrifying results. Despite being alone, Kathryn couldn't quite help blushing in embarassment as the words of her younger self, the self-styled Penguin of Doom, seemed to run off the page.
Despite it all, there was something in the badly written post that brought her back to her teenage years. Before college, before high-school, before her first heartbreak and recovery. Shutting her eyes, Kathryn simply let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over her.
As the minutes ticked by, Kathryn finally opened her eyes once again, looking toward her computer. Another long minute later she closed her appointment calender and shot off a brief email to her boss before pulling on her coat and taking out her phone.
"Hello, Victoria?...Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that...Listen, it turns out I actually have the rest of the day off. Do you want to meet somewhere for lunch?...Yes, no that's perfect, I'll see you in an hour."
Kathryn strolled out of the office whistling off-key, a fact that caught the attention of every coworker she passed on her way to the door. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Paula lectured from the podium, her voice monotonous and calm. "But all of you are here now, so that means you're already on the road to recovery." Her smile is meant to be reassuring, but instead it comes off as crazy, her eyes a little too wide, her teeth gleaming the sickening white of a hungry ghost. "Who wants to start off today's sharing?"
Scumbag Steve walks up to the podium, the first to volunteer as always. A few groans ripple through the audience as Steve carefully takes his hat off, setting it down on the podium to announce, "so I was at my boy's pad the other night, we just chilling with some fine ladies when my sister calls, 'my car won't start' or some shit." All of his stories involve his sister, or parents, or his friends, and all he does is complain about them, each rant a litany of first world problems wrapped in a self-righteous my-time-is-better-than-yours attitude. I play with my phone to pass the time, a violation of Rule #1 that nobody cares about since Steve is at the microphone. "And the bitch was like, 'yo dawg, that's my spare tire' but I was like, 'finder's keepers, peace, I'm out'." He smiles and the crowd breaks into hesitant applause, more that he's finished than because of his words.
Overly Attached Girlfriend shares next, her speech a rambling, incoherent tale of her latest heartbreak. After her, Success Kid whines about his latest failures, and Confession Bear lives up to his name with 40-minutes of babbling that eventually gets cut off when Good Guy Greg throws his shoes at the 800lb carnivore.
"Who's next?" Paula asks.
I see Gabe Newell sitting in the back row playing Half Life 4, and in front of him Band Camp Kid looks like he wants to murder us all. Ron Paul stands to approach the podium but Paula politely asks him to leave, and that's when I accidentally make eye contact with The Neckbeard.
His eyes bore into my soul, his body odor confusing and repulsing me. He nods his head, yes, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly walking to the front of the room and staring at the crowd.
Shit. May as well though, I've been coming to these meetings for months without sharing. "Hi, everyone. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm a meme. The experience hasn't been very positive for me though, mostly I-"
"Who are you?" someone cries out. A few other voices add their confusion, so I don't really have a choice:
"I am a 47-year old male short order cook from Oaxaca, currently living in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm known as Katy, the Penguin of Doom."
"Fuck you!" Kermit the Frog shouts.
"Goddamn asshole," Ebola-Chan agrees.
"Uh, I used to pride myself on my randomness," I continued. "One day, I was feeling so random that I created an online persona who was 13-year old girl, and I've been living a lie ever since. I'm actually in five internet relationships right now, and uh, oh shit..."
Bad Luck Brian runs from the room in tears and Scumbag Stacy bursts out laughing, muttering, "what a loser."
I'm too embarrassed to continue, so I mutter, "gotta do damage control," and run after Brian.
There's no sign of him out front of the community center; just a gentle snowfall obscuring distances and making the world seem quieter than it actually is.
The voice from behind me makes me jump, the syllables muttered only inches from my right ear. "I'll be your pingwing of doom," Benedict Cumberbatch tells me, his eyes running up and down the length of my body several times.
"I gotta go," I manage, walking down the front steps and giving extra space to the SJW who's lecturing an openly weeping Brony. This town is too much for me some days.
As I round a corner three blocks down, I glance back and see Benedict Cumberbatch on the front steps, still watching me go. He's onto me, so I'll have to be extra careful from now on. I slip the Guy Fawkes mask over my face and break into a run. Somewhere, something is happening, and I'm the only one who can stop it, because I am Anonymous. I do not forgive, I do not forget. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm the Goddamned Penguin of Doom, fighting in the name of Love, Waffles, and- oh shit.
Benedict Cumberbatch leaps from a dark alley, his fist catching my chin. I stumble, my fedora rolling into the gutter. I feel his kicks impacting my stomach, then a single mighty blow striking my head. Everything goes black. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Launch codes were transmitted ten years ago.
Kewl Platypus (بلانبوس منقار البطة) received his orders in Damascus. Android Finch (นกกระจิบ) in Thailand now has landing coordinates. In popular culture time travel is precise and almost convenient. If only.
The black girls of Harlem jump in rhythm to looping ropes and this is how we among the world must do the same. To coordinate in decade long windows to change an instance some three hundred years forward, backwards, sideways. Yes, random. But how often do flightless birds make sense. Finch says he is exception. I say he is caged bird, with too much time on his hands.
Of course.
E.T. Bell said something about time and fools. Several hundred years from now what will be remembered? The outcome of some argument held online or matricide/patricide, pendulum swinging back to its center, righting itself, because the whole thing is slanted like sinking ship. Water fowl are capable of submerging far below the surface of the ice. Random, yes. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It could have gone better. Then again, translation matrices never were particularly precise.
Ten years ago, the declaration of war was sent. It promised the terrors Katy's people would bring, with their mastery of quantum space manipulation. As her troops readied their SP0RK-735s for battle, she looked over their new home-to-be.
The only life-form that their people could see as at all similar to themselves were what the humans called "PeNgU1Ns", almost identical to one of their long-distant ancestors in all but intelligence. The greatest minds in centuries had put years of work into a single, menacing message: it announced their superiority, their intent to kill and their unfathomably advanced technology.
Katy turns to her highest ranking officer, zim.
"15 t3h 4rM4D4 R34dY?!!!!!!!!!"
"45 500n 45 U g1v3 t3h 0rD3R XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good. These puny monkeys won't know what hit them. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Oh my god, noooooo," Katy said, burying her face in her hands. She was blushing, but smiling through her embarrasment.
"So you can see the kind of girl she was back then," Maurissa continued, gesturing at the screen behind her, over the laughter of the assembled families. "Don't worry, though... her spelling and taste in TV shows has improved vastly since then."
"Hey, no, Invader Zim was awesome!" said Dan.
"Whatever, bro. But ten years ago, Katy the penguin of doom would never have known where she was going to go - through breakups and makeups and school and jobs, all the way to this point. She didn't have a clue she would be sitting here, with her friends and family, ready to celebrate her new life together with the person she loves. Congratulations, Katy - be happy, and stay random!" | I was lying calmly on my bed, thinking about the day, my life, the cute guy I met in Starbucks yesterday. A smile tugged at my lips. I cuddled the sheets closer. Oh how I love thick sheets in the middle of winter. My mind wandered until suddenly I felt the bed fall from underneath me. I gasped for air, flinched grabbing my mattress ripping a nail in the process. It all came rushing back, like old childhood obscenities often do just before you succumb to slumber. This one was bad. Really bad, oh how I cringed… I got up out of bed, turned on the light and stood for a moment. The cold only intensifying my self-loathing. I waddled to the bed to bury my head under the sheets… “t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m”??? What was I thinking? Oh my god… Randomness, a sorry excuse for having a shit sense of humour. Perfect moment ruined… But then I softened up. I remembered Alice, my first girlfriend. I would have never met her if I hadn’t posted that. I mentioned that I was bi in that post after all. They didn’t take kindly to that stuff where I grew up. That whole side of me would have gone unnoticed. I decided to get up. After a quick google I found the original message. Apparently it’s become some kind of obscene internet joke. Oh the horror. I opened Hotmail and started composing a mail to… Alice. I copied and pasted the message appending m1551ng y0u! She’ll have a laugh, we both grew up and out of that phase together. She was the first person to really understand me although it was never meant to last… I clicked send, turned off the lights and headed back into bed. I dreamt of the cute Starbucks guy that night. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | You ever wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats remembering something you said a long time ago? I do, except that I'm constantly reminded. I go online and all I see is this stupid fucking paragraph I posted years back. It was during a rough year, my parents had just gotten divorced because I finally came out that my brother had raped me and my mom didn't believe me. My dad did and I was the reason for their now dissolved marriage. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. Now, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never existed to begin with. I'm sorry for the ramblings, but the sleeping pills should kick in soon. So long and thanks for all the shit. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Paula lectured from the podium, her voice monotonous and calm. "But all of you are here now, so that means you're already on the road to recovery." Her smile is meant to be reassuring, but instead it comes off as crazy, her eyes a little too wide, her teeth gleaming the sickening white of a hungry ghost. "Who wants to start off today's sharing?"
Scumbag Steve walks up to the podium, the first to volunteer as always. A few groans ripple through the audience as Steve carefully takes his hat off, setting it down on the podium to announce, "so I was at my boy's pad the other night, we just chilling with some fine ladies when my sister calls, 'my car won't start' or some shit." All of his stories involve his sister, or parents, or his friends, and all he does is complain about them, each rant a litany of first world problems wrapped in a self-righteous my-time-is-better-than-yours attitude. I play with my phone to pass the time, a violation of Rule #1 that nobody cares about since Steve is at the microphone. "And the bitch was like, 'yo dawg, that's my spare tire' but I was like, 'finder's keepers, peace, I'm out'." He smiles and the crowd breaks into hesitant applause, more that he's finished than because of his words.
Overly Attached Girlfriend shares next, her speech a rambling, incoherent tale of her latest heartbreak. After her, Success Kid whines about his latest failures, and Confession Bear lives up to his name with 40-minutes of babbling that eventually gets cut off when Good Guy Greg throws his shoes at the 800lb carnivore.
"Who's next?" Paula asks.
I see Gabe Newell sitting in the back row playing Half Life 4, and in front of him Band Camp Kid looks like he wants to murder us all. Ron Paul stands to approach the podium but Paula politely asks him to leave, and that's when I accidentally make eye contact with The Neckbeard.
His eyes bore into my soul, his body odor confusing and repulsing me. He nods his head, yes, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly walking to the front of the room and staring at the crowd.
Shit. May as well though, I've been coming to these meetings for months without sharing. "Hi, everyone. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm a meme. The experience hasn't been very positive for me though, mostly I-"
"Who are you?" someone cries out. A few other voices add their confusion, so I don't really have a choice:
"I am a 47-year old male short order cook from Oaxaca, currently living in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm known as Katy, the Penguin of Doom."
"Fuck you!" Kermit the Frog shouts.
"Goddamn asshole," Ebola-Chan agrees.
"Uh, I used to pride myself on my randomness," I continued. "One day, I was feeling so random that I created an online persona who was 13-year old girl, and I've been living a lie ever since. I'm actually in five internet relationships right now, and uh, oh shit..."
Bad Luck Brian runs from the room in tears and Scumbag Stacy bursts out laughing, muttering, "what a loser."
I'm too embarrassed to continue, so I mutter, "gotta do damage control," and run after Brian.
There's no sign of him out front of the community center; just a gentle snowfall obscuring distances and making the world seem quieter than it actually is.
The voice from behind me makes me jump, the syllables muttered only inches from my right ear. "I'll be your pingwing of doom," Benedict Cumberbatch tells me, his eyes running up and down the length of my body several times.
"I gotta go," I manage, walking down the front steps and giving extra space to the SJW who's lecturing an openly weeping Brony. This town is too much for me some days.
As I round a corner three blocks down, I glance back and see Benedict Cumberbatch on the front steps, still watching me go. He's onto me, so I'll have to be extra careful from now on. I slip the Guy Fawkes mask over my face and break into a run. Somewhere, something is happening, and I'm the only one who can stop it, because I am Anonymous. I do not forgive, I do not forget. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm the Goddamned Penguin of Doom, fighting in the name of Love, Waffles, and- oh shit.
Benedict Cumberbatch leaps from a dark alley, his fist catching my chin. I stumble, my fedora rolling into the gutter. I feel his kicks impacting my stomach, then a single mighty blow striking my head. Everything goes black. | You ever wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats remembering something you said a long time ago? I do, except that I'm constantly reminded. I go online and all I see is this stupid fucking paragraph I posted years back. It was during a rough year, my parents had just gotten divorced because I finally came out that my brother had raped me and my mom didn't believe me. My dad did and I was the reason for their now dissolved marriage. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. Now, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never existed to begin with. I'm sorry for the ramblings, but the sleeping pills should kick in soon. So long and thanks for all the shit. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | Ms. Kathryn Pine typed out another set of instructions to be sent off to the office in China. She hardly gave any attention to the young man not too far from her own age waiting just outside the door, worry and uncertainty etched plainly on his face.
Quickly changing tabs, Kathryn waited another thirty seconds as a series of letters and numbers, names and money, ran across the screen. Nodding satisfactorily, she finished her message and gestured for the young man to come in.
Visibly relieved, the man sat down on the chair across from her desk, but not before quickly setting down a Styrofoam cup of coffee, black, with a small cup of cream right next to it, just as Ms. Pine liked every day at exactly 10:30. He waited quietly for the next part of the very nearly unbroken ritual, as Kathryn took the top off the cup, slowly poured in her cream and stirred it precisely five times.
Taking a sip and flicking her eyes to the clock on the desk, Kathryn nodded to herself, assured that the coffee was indeed to her satisfaction, and that her day was proceeding right on schedule. Setting it aside, she finally deigned to notice the young man sitting across from her. *Darren? David?* She was fairly certain that his name started with a D.
"What do you have for me?" She asked.
The young man, (*Daryl!* She thought, recalling his name) fumbled for a moment with the manila envelope in his hands, straightening some of the rebellious papers attempting to escape before handing it across. "Here's the report on Anamar Pharmaceutical that you wanted." The young woman took it wordlessly and set it aside on her desk, opposite the coffee. "I double checked the company report and supplemented it with my own research." He added hurriedly, desperately hoping that Ms. Pine might approve, but her expression remained the same as ever, a sort of appraising gaze that always seemed slightly disappointed in whatever she was looking at.
"Very proactive of you Daryl." She adjusted the the folder slightly.
Smiling broadly folded his hands and sat straighter in his chair, not the least bothered by the fact that Ms. Pine had gotten his name wrong, and not in the slightest inclined to correct her. "I hope this venture goes over well, Ms. Pine. I really think Anamar is worth looking into."
"If we thought otherwise we wouldn't be considering this deal." Kathryn remarked absently, already turning back to her computer and the next task she needed to do. After a moment though, she realized that Daryl was making no move to leave, and seemed concerned about something. "Is there anything else?"
Daryl cleared his throat, "Actually yes. A woman named Victoria called asking after you, she wanted to know if you'd be available this evening?"
Kathryn looked up from her computer, "Call Victoria back and tell her I'm going to be busy again this evening and that I'll get back to her in a day or two. You can get her number from my secretary."
Nodding vigorously Jake got up and went straight out the door, quick to get on the next task for Ms. Pine.
Kathryn, for her part, quickly scanned over her digital appointment calender and noticed, to her dismay, an error. The teleconference with Bain Capital that was scheduled for this hour had been moved to next week and the schedule hadn't been updated to reflect this. After several moments Kathryn realized that she had exactly nothing to do for the next 59 minutes until her working lunch. Glancing around the room uncomfortably, she finally gave in and decided to spend the next hour doing something she'd not done in years: surf the internet purposelessly.
Kathryn clicked around, quickly losing herself in the inanity of what she was doing when an odd post innocuously left in the corner of a random website she found herself on brought her back to her senses.
The spelling was atrocious, the grammar hardly better. It was written with the self conscious intent to attract attention and come off as "quirky" to horrifying results. Despite being alone, Kathryn couldn't quite help blushing in embarassment as the words of her younger self, the self-styled Penguin of Doom, seemed to run off the page.
Despite it all, there was something in the badly written post that brought her back to her teenage years. Before college, before high-school, before her first heartbreak and recovery. Shutting her eyes, Kathryn simply let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over her.
As the minutes ticked by, Kathryn finally opened her eyes once again, looking toward her computer. Another long minute later she closed her appointment calender and shot off a brief email to her boss before pulling on her coat and taking out her phone.
"Hello, Victoria?...Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that...Listen, it turns out I actually have the rest of the day off. Do you want to meet somewhere for lunch?...Yes, no that's perfect, I'll see you in an hour."
Kathryn strolled out of the office whistling off-key, a fact that caught the attention of every coworker she passed on her way to the door. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Paula lectured from the podium, her voice monotonous and calm. "But all of you are here now, so that means you're already on the road to recovery." Her smile is meant to be reassuring, but instead it comes off as crazy, her eyes a little too wide, her teeth gleaming the sickening white of a hungry ghost. "Who wants to start off today's sharing?"
Scumbag Steve walks up to the podium, the first to volunteer as always. A few groans ripple through the audience as Steve carefully takes his hat off, setting it down on the podium to announce, "so I was at my boy's pad the other night, we just chilling with some fine ladies when my sister calls, 'my car won't start' or some shit." All of his stories involve his sister, or parents, or his friends, and all he does is complain about them, each rant a litany of first world problems wrapped in a self-righteous my-time-is-better-than-yours attitude. I play with my phone to pass the time, a violation of Rule #1 that nobody cares about since Steve is at the microphone. "And the bitch was like, 'yo dawg, that's my spare tire' but I was like, 'finder's keepers, peace, I'm out'." He smiles and the crowd breaks into hesitant applause, more that he's finished than because of his words.
Overly Attached Girlfriend shares next, her speech a rambling, incoherent tale of her latest heartbreak. After her, Success Kid whines about his latest failures, and Confession Bear lives up to his name with 40-minutes of babbling that eventually gets cut off when Good Guy Greg throws his shoes at the 800lb carnivore.
"Who's next?" Paula asks.
I see Gabe Newell sitting in the back row playing Half Life 4, and in front of him Band Camp Kid looks like he wants to murder us all. Ron Paul stands to approach the podium but Paula politely asks him to leave, and that's when I accidentally make eye contact with The Neckbeard.
His eyes bore into my soul, his body odor confusing and repulsing me. He nods his head, yes, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly walking to the front of the room and staring at the crowd.
Shit. May as well though, I've been coming to these meetings for months without sharing. "Hi, everyone. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm a meme. The experience hasn't been very positive for me though, mostly I-"
"Who are you?" someone cries out. A few other voices add their confusion, so I don't really have a choice:
"I am a 47-year old male short order cook from Oaxaca, currently living in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm known as Katy, the Penguin of Doom."
"Fuck you!" Kermit the Frog shouts.
"Goddamn asshole," Ebola-Chan agrees.
"Uh, I used to pride myself on my randomness," I continued. "One day, I was feeling so random that I created an online persona who was 13-year old girl, and I've been living a lie ever since. I'm actually in five internet relationships right now, and uh, oh shit..."
Bad Luck Brian runs from the room in tears and Scumbag Stacy bursts out laughing, muttering, "what a loser."
I'm too embarrassed to continue, so I mutter, "gotta do damage control," and run after Brian.
There's no sign of him out front of the community center; just a gentle snowfall obscuring distances and making the world seem quieter than it actually is.
The voice from behind me makes me jump, the syllables muttered only inches from my right ear. "I'll be your pingwing of doom," Benedict Cumberbatch tells me, his eyes running up and down the length of my body several times.
"I gotta go," I manage, walking down the front steps and giving extra space to the SJW who's lecturing an openly weeping Brony. This town is too much for me some days.
As I round a corner three blocks down, I glance back and see Benedict Cumberbatch on the front steps, still watching me go. He's onto me, so I'll have to be extra careful from now on. I slip the Guy Fawkes mask over my face and break into a run. Somewhere, something is happening, and I'm the only one who can stop it, because I am Anonymous. I do not forgive, I do not forget. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm the Goddamned Penguin of Doom, fighting in the name of Love, Waffles, and- oh shit.
Benedict Cumberbatch leaps from a dark alley, his fist catching my chin. I stumble, my fedora rolling into the gutter. I feel his kicks impacting my stomach, then a single mighty blow striking my head. Everything goes black. | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It could have gone better. Then again, translation matrices never were particularly precise.
Ten years ago, the declaration of war was sent. It promised the terrors Katy's people would bring, with their mastery of quantum space manipulation. As her troops readied their SP0RK-735s for battle, she looked over their new home-to-be.
The only life-form that their people could see as at all similar to themselves were what the humans called "PeNgU1Ns", almost identical to one of their long-distant ancestors in all but intelligence. The greatest minds in centuries had put years of work into a single, menacing message: it announced their superiority, their intent to kill and their unfathomably advanced technology.
Katy turns to her highest ranking officer, zim.
"15 t3h 4rM4D4 R34dY?!!!!!!!!!"
"45 500n 45 U g1v3 t3h 0rD3R XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good. These puny monkeys won't know what hit them. | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Oh my god, noooooo," Katy said, burying her face in her hands. She was blushing, but smiling through her embarrasment.
"So you can see the kind of girl she was back then," Maurissa continued, gesturing at the screen behind her, over the laughter of the assembled families. "Don't worry, though... her spelling and taste in TV shows has improved vastly since then."
"Hey, no, Invader Zim was awesome!" said Dan.
"Whatever, bro. But ten years ago, Katy the penguin of doom would never have known where she was going to go - through breakups and makeups and school and jobs, all the way to this point. She didn't have a clue she would be sitting here, with her friends and family, ready to celebrate her new life together with the person she loves. Congratulations, Katy - be happy, and stay random!" | [My first post on this subreddit. Please tell me any problems you have with it!]
Katie always wanted to be different. A red giant in a cosmos of insignificant yellow dots. As she typed down those words she knew she was. She knew she was interesting. Special. She was happy. A girlfriend she cared about, a life of bliss. She couldn't ask for anything more.
Kate always wanted to be important. Meaningful. Like a shining truth in a sea of doubt. She couldn't be a LGBT activist, not after she realized she wasn't really bisexual. She apologized to Maria so many times after that, but it was too late. She liked animals, but couldn't bear the thought of being a veterinarian or zookeeper. They had to kill them. She couldn't do that.
She was stuck in a rut. Her psychology degree wasn't going anywhere. In hindsight, she couldn't remember why she chose it in the first place.
Kate needed to do something with her life. Not a programmer... no, that reminded her too much of her father. The bastard never even showed up to her graduation. She wasn't too great of an artist, despite taking it all through high school.
But then - suddenly, Kate had an idea. She may not have any aspirations now but she had some before. She scrolled through her old accounts - Livejournal, Myspace, Blogspot, seeing if she could find anything.
Then she found it. A quick Google of her old username brought it up. Some old writing she did on a random forum... It physically hurt her to read through that garbage. It was awful. It brought up bad memory after bad memory.
And worst of all, it was copy pasted on every website she could think of. Forums, blogs, content sharing websites and social networks... Thankfully they didn't ever mention her real name, she didn't want to be tied to that... And she at least knew one thing.
She couldn't be a writer. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Oh dear, I have been lurking on Reddit for ages now and every time I see this mentioned, I cringe immediately at my awkward teenage self. I.. actually wrote this so I might as well go with it.
Let's go back into the past a little bit and decipher what teenage "Katy" was trying to express through her poorly written words.
Well, I might have been around 11 to 13 at the time. It was a time when people constantly lied on the internet, much like today. I was one of those kids that tried to look "cool" while being a complete socially awkward geek. You know what social awkwardness translates to? The inability to comprehend social interactions, even on the internet!
And so, like any other kid who enjoyed the same childhood that I did, I was playing Neopets. I was the bomb in the Meerca's chase, catching those red eggs like a pro. No but seriously, I was actually pretty alright, even got a few fishy egglings.
Let's proceed to the most eventful day of all, the day that I became "Katy". Who is Katy? Well, you see, Katy is a byproduct of the Neopets community. She was around when people were allowed to express opinions on the forums without getting a ban for being naughty little kids. Katy's social awkwardness would make her nervous about posting even the littlest things.
She wanted to fit in with those "cool" Neopets kids who posted pictures of themselves with emo haircuts and who would mention their "boyfriends" on their profiles. She never really had a life outside of the computer, she was never the popular kid, so she thought that today could be the day where people would interact with her.
She searched throughout the forums, looking desperately for a persona. She had a friend named "Kathy" at school, who she had gotten to know recently. She loved that name and she had thought that the English translation of it was "Katie". Little did she know, they were two separate names! Anyways, "Katy", wanting to be random and wanting to add a little spunk changed the "i" to a "y", becoming the famous "Katy".
The word she had seen thrown around on forums "random this, random that". Everything is awesome when it's random, she thought. She wasn't even that good at English, she had barely started speaking it! She briefly knew the meaning and for her, random translated to "cool".
Of course, the other part of her persona was to tell people how mature she was despite her young age. She just wanted to let people know that she was really really really mature, why wouldn't they believe her?!
Oh and did you want to know about the spork? Well, Katy thought that the spork was a freaking pitchfork. She had no idea that spork was a combination of a spoon and fork, she thought she was being sly and implying that she was a rebel.
Oh how sly she was, that Katy. She saw invader Zim everywhere, she had no idea what it was. She looked through pictures of it with much disinterest. She thought it was stupid that people fancied a tiny green cabbage patch zombie looking thing. Yet, Katy would tell people she loved it!
Of course, it was a great time to be alive, when more and more people were coming out and expressing their sexuality. Katy had once kissed a girl, well, the girl kissed her. Katy saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell people how bi she was because everyone else was bi too! She was actually crushing on this boy at school. Oh how she loved him, but he wasn't part of this story!
So, Katy did know the meaning of the word random by the end of this. However, she had no freaking idea what "doom" meant, she thought it was just something people said. Like "boooooom", "zooooom". She got this from the same people that liked invader Zim, what a coincidence!
"The more the merrier", literally no one ever says that out loud Katy! For crying out loud, who would want to be friends with someone that jolly? "TOODLES"?! REALLY KATY!? She got that from a teacher, in 3rd grade. She said it over and over again thinking that it was a super cool slogan that everyone used everywhere.
Also, Katy, your parents called you a penguin, but you are not a penguin. You are not random and you did not even know the meaning of the word waffles back then. You thought that it meant something like "hugs".
Finally, throwing around the word "random" got you 0 friends that day. I think you ended up retreating to feeding your Neopets another 10 omelettes each. Thank god those weren't real pets because the amount of bloating those poor creatures have faced is unimaginable. WELL, old "Katy", you embarrassed me enough.
Good news to everybody, new Katy is now 21 and in college, not *as* socially awkward anymore and she's pretty cool sometimes. Definitely uphill progress from all of that randomness.
*Edit: I implied that I was not socially awkward anymore while I still am. I can understand social cues now though(yay!) and I don't just stare at other kids creepily. *(I stare at babies too. ಠ_ಠ)*
**Edit 2: Just realized that I implied that I stare at kids creepily at an adult age. No, no I do not do that. In all seriousness, I meant adults but I'll keep it there for giggles. | It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Paula lectured from the podium, her voice monotonous and calm. "But all of you are here now, so that means you're already on the road to recovery." Her smile is meant to be reassuring, but instead it comes off as crazy, her eyes a little too wide, her teeth gleaming the sickening white of a hungry ghost. "Who wants to start off today's sharing?"
Scumbag Steve walks up to the podium, the first to volunteer as always. A few groans ripple through the audience as Steve carefully takes his hat off, setting it down on the podium to announce, "so I was at my boy's pad the other night, we just chilling with some fine ladies when my sister calls, 'my car won't start' or some shit." All of his stories involve his sister, or parents, or his friends, and all he does is complain about them, each rant a litany of first world problems wrapped in a self-righteous my-time-is-better-than-yours attitude. I play with my phone to pass the time, a violation of Rule #1 that nobody cares about since Steve is at the microphone. "And the bitch was like, 'yo dawg, that's my spare tire' but I was like, 'finder's keepers, peace, I'm out'." He smiles and the crowd breaks into hesitant applause, more that he's finished than because of his words.
Overly Attached Girlfriend shares next, her speech a rambling, incoherent tale of her latest heartbreak. After her, Success Kid whines about his latest failures, and Confession Bear lives up to his name with 40-minutes of babbling that eventually gets cut off when Good Guy Greg throws his shoes at the 800lb carnivore.
"Who's next?" Paula asks.
I see Gabe Newell sitting in the back row playing Half Life 4, and in front of him Band Camp Kid looks like he wants to murder us all. Ron Paul stands to approach the podium but Paula politely asks him to leave, and that's when I accidentally make eye contact with The Neckbeard.
His eyes bore into my soul, his body odor confusing and repulsing me. He nods his head, yes, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly walking to the front of the room and staring at the crowd.
Shit. May as well though, I've been coming to these meetings for months without sharing. "Hi, everyone. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm a meme. The experience hasn't been very positive for me though, mostly I-"
"Who are you?" someone cries out. A few other voices add their confusion, so I don't really have a choice:
"I am a 47-year old male short order cook from Oaxaca, currently living in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm known as Katy, the Penguin of Doom."
"Fuck you!" Kermit the Frog shouts.
"Goddamn asshole," Ebola-Chan agrees.
"Uh, I used to pride myself on my randomness," I continued. "One day, I was feeling so random that I created an online persona who was 13-year old girl, and I've been living a lie ever since. I'm actually in five internet relationships right now, and uh, oh shit..."
Bad Luck Brian runs from the room in tears and Scumbag Stacy bursts out laughing, muttering, "what a loser."
I'm too embarrassed to continue, so I mutter, "gotta do damage control," and run after Brian.
There's no sign of him out front of the community center; just a gentle snowfall obscuring distances and making the world seem quieter than it actually is.
The voice from behind me makes me jump, the syllables muttered only inches from my right ear. "I'll be your pingwing of doom," Benedict Cumberbatch tells me, his eyes running up and down the length of my body several times.
"I gotta go," I manage, walking down the front steps and giving extra space to the SJW who's lecturing an openly weeping Brony. This town is too much for me some days.
As I round a corner three blocks down, I glance back and see Benedict Cumberbatch on the front steps, still watching me go. He's onto me, so I'll have to be extra careful from now on. I slip the Guy Fawkes mask over my face and break into a run. Somewhere, something is happening, and I'm the only one who can stop it, because I am Anonymous. I do not forgive, I do not forget. My name is Carlos Ramirez, and I'm the Goddamned Penguin of Doom, fighting in the name of Love, Waffles, and- oh shit.
Benedict Cumberbatch leaps from a dark alley, his fist catching my chin. I stumble, my fedora rolling into the gutter. I feel his kicks impacting my stomach, then a single mighty blow striking my head. Everything goes black. | It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| It is October 12, 2006, and I am 13 years old. I am sitting before my family's computer. The room around me is cool and silent. I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts; I feel alone. I open my eyes to refocus on the screen, and suddenly I am no longer alone. I am with those who love what I love, those who understand the solitude at school, those who are as random as I am. I am t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m.
It is October 11, 2016. I am 23 years old, and I am telling my husband that we are going to be parents. Now my husband is crying. Perhaps it is strange that I do not join him. Somehow, I am calm. My life is a winding chain of serendipitous happenings--the car accident where I meet this man before me, the sick day I take as our office burns down. I am not surprised that I am pregnant today. After all, my life has always been random. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | It could have gone better. Then again, translation matrices never were particularly precise.
Ten years ago, the declaration of war was sent. It promised the terrors Katy's people would bring, with their mastery of quantum space manipulation. As her troops readied their SP0RK-735s for battle, she looked over their new home-to-be.
The only life-form that their people could see as at all similar to themselves were what the humans called "PeNgU1Ns", almost identical to one of their long-distant ancestors in all but intelligence. The greatest minds in centuries had put years of work into a single, menacing message: it announced their superiority, their intent to kill and their unfathomably advanced technology.
Katy turns to her highest ranking officer, zim.
"15 t3h 4rM4D4 R34dY?!!!!!!!!!"
"45 500n 45 U g1v3 t3h 0rD3R XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good. These puny monkeys won't know what hit them. | Launch codes were transmitted ten years ago.
Kewl Platypus (بلانبوس منقار البطة) received his orders in Damascus. Android Finch (นกกระจิบ) in Thailand now has landing coordinates. In popular culture time travel is precise and almost convenient. If only.
The black girls of Harlem jump in rhythm to looping ropes and this is how we among the world must do the same. To coordinate in decade long windows to change an instance some three hundred years forward, backwards, sideways. Yes, random. But how often do flightless birds make sense. Finch says he is exception. I say he is caged bird, with too much time on his hands.
Of course.
E.T. Bell said something about time and fools. Several hundred years from now what will be remembered? The outcome of some argument held online or matricide/patricide, pendulum swinging back to its center, righting itself, because the whole thing is slanted like sinking ship. Water fowl are capable of submerging far below the surface of the ice. Random, yes. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. | Launch codes were transmitted ten years ago.
Kewl Platypus (بلانبوس منقار البطة) received his orders in Damascus. Android Finch (นกกระจิบ) in Thailand now has landing coordinates. In popular culture time travel is precise and almost convenient. If only.
The black girls of Harlem jump in rhythm to looping ropes and this is how we among the world must do the same. To coordinate in decade long windows to change an instance some three hundred years forward, backwards, sideways. Yes, random. But how often do flightless birds make sense. Finch says he is exception. I say he is caged bird, with too much time on his hands.
Of course.
E.T. Bell said something about time and fools. Several hundred years from now what will be remembered? The outcome of some argument held online or matricide/patricide, pendulum swinging back to its center, righting itself, because the whole thing is slanted like sinking ship. Water fowl are capable of submerging far below the surface of the ice. Random, yes. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| Launch codes were transmitted ten years ago.
Kewl Platypus (بلانبوس منقار البطة) received his orders in Damascus. Android Finch (นกกระจิบ) in Thailand now has landing coordinates. In popular culture time travel is precise and almost convenient. If only.
The black girls of Harlem jump in rhythm to looping ropes and this is how we among the world must do the same. To coordinate in decade long windows to change an instance some three hundred years forward, backwards, sideways. Yes, random. But how often do flightless birds make sense. Finch says he is exception. I say he is caged bird, with too much time on his hands.
Of course.
E.T. Bell said something about time and fools. Several hundred years from now what will be remembered? The outcome of some argument held online or matricide/patricide, pendulum swinging back to its center, righting itself, because the whole thing is slanted like sinking ship. Water fowl are capable of submerging far below the surface of the ice. Random, yes. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Oh my god, noooooo," Katy said, burying her face in her hands. She was blushing, but smiling through her embarrasment.
"So you can see the kind of girl she was back then," Maurissa continued, gesturing at the screen behind her, over the laughter of the assembled families. "Don't worry, though... her spelling and taste in TV shows has improved vastly since then."
"Hey, no, Invader Zim was awesome!" said Dan.
"Whatever, bro. But ten years ago, Katy the penguin of doom would never have known where she was going to go - through breakups and makeups and school and jobs, all the way to this point. She didn't have a clue she would be sitting here, with her friends and family, ready to celebrate her new life together with the person she loves. Congratulations, Katy - be happy, and stay random!" | Launch codes were transmitted ten years ago.
Kewl Platypus (بلانبوس منقار البطة) received his orders in Damascus. Android Finch (นกกระจิบ) in Thailand now has landing coordinates. In popular culture time travel is precise and almost convenient. If only.
The black girls of Harlem jump in rhythm to looping ropes and this is how we among the world must do the same. To coordinate in decade long windows to change an instance some three hundred years forward, backwards, sideways. Yes, random. But how often do flightless birds make sense. Finch says he is exception. I say he is caged bird, with too much time on his hands.
Of course.
E.T. Bell said something about time and fools. Several hundred years from now what will be remembered? The outcome of some argument held online or matricide/patricide, pendulum swinging back to its center, righting itself, because the whole thing is slanted like sinking ship. Water fowl are capable of submerging far below the surface of the ice. Random, yes. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| It could have gone better. Then again, translation matrices never were particularly precise.
Ten years ago, the declaration of war was sent. It promised the terrors Katy's people would bring, with their mastery of quantum space manipulation. As her troops readied their SP0RK-735s for battle, she looked over their new home-to-be.
The only life-form that their people could see as at all similar to themselves were what the humans called "PeNgU1Ns", almost identical to one of their long-distant ancestors in all but intelligence. The greatest minds in centuries had put years of work into a single, menacing message: it announced their superiority, their intent to kill and their unfathomably advanced technology.
Katy turns to her highest ranking officer, zim.
"15 t3h 4rM4D4 R34dY?!!!!!!!!!"
"45 500n 45 U g1v3 t3h 0rD3R XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good. These puny monkeys won't know what hit them. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. | Katy's heart ached. Feelings of sadness and pain as she remembered her care free youth, full of unexpected and unpredictable wonder. All gone now. Only the pain remained. It was clear.
_____
"Single gun shot wound to the chest. Pistol lying on her stomach..."
^(*shutter click*)
"I've got a bag, pass it here."
^(*shutter click*)
"One casing too."
^(*shutter click*)
"The door's fine. Doesn't look jimmied."
"... GSR all over her chest and hands..."
^(*shutter click*)
"Windows are shut and locked."
"... We'll need the ME to confirm but I think it's pretty clear... Women... even in suicide they worry 'bout their looks.
^(*shutter click*)
"Huh?"
"She shot herself in the heart. Men tend to shoot themselves in the head. Women don't."
"..."
"Yea, I've had enough of this too. I'm going back to get started on the paper work, coming?
_____
The white lines passed through Katy's headlights one at a time. There was a still hole in her heart, but at least she got to share it with the one she loved. Mexico is lovely this time of year. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| Katy's heart ached. Feelings of sadness and pain as she remembered her care free youth, full of unexpected and unpredictable wonder. All gone now. Only the pain remained. It was clear.
_____
"Single gun shot wound to the chest. Pistol lying on her stomach..."
^(*shutter click*)
"I've got a bag, pass it here."
^(*shutter click*)
"One casing too."
^(*shutter click*)
"The door's fine. Doesn't look jimmied."
"... GSR all over her chest and hands..."
^(*shutter click*)
"Windows are shut and locked."
"... We'll need the ME to confirm but I think it's pretty clear... Women... even in suicide they worry 'bout their looks.
^(*shutter click*)
"Huh?"
"She shot herself in the heart. Men tend to shoot themselves in the head. Women don't."
"..."
"Yea, I've had enough of this too. I'm going back to get started on the paper work, coming?
_____
The white lines passed through Katy's headlights one at a time. There was a still hole in her heart, but at least she got to share it with the one she loved. Mexico is lovely this time of year. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Oh my god, noooooo," Katy said, burying her face in her hands. She was blushing, but smiling through her embarrasment.
"So you can see the kind of girl she was back then," Maurissa continued, gesturing at the screen behind her, over the laughter of the assembled families. "Don't worry, though... her spelling and taste in TV shows has improved vastly since then."
"Hey, no, Invader Zim was awesome!" said Dan.
"Whatever, bro. But ten years ago, Katy the penguin of doom would never have known where she was going to go - through breakups and makeups and school and jobs, all the way to this point. She didn't have a clue she would be sitting here, with her friends and family, ready to celebrate her new life together with the person she loves. Congratulations, Katy - be happy, and stay random!" | Katy's heart ached. Feelings of sadness and pain as she remembered her care free youth, full of unexpected and unpredictable wonder. All gone now. Only the pain remained. It was clear.
_____
"Single gun shot wound to the chest. Pistol lying on her stomach..."
^(*shutter click*)
"I've got a bag, pass it here."
^(*shutter click*)
"One casing too."
^(*shutter click*)
"The door's fine. Doesn't look jimmied."
"... GSR all over her chest and hands..."
^(*shutter click*)
"Windows are shut and locked."
"... We'll need the ME to confirm but I think it's pretty clear... Women... even in suicide they worry 'bout their looks.
^(*shutter click*)
"Huh?"
"She shot herself in the heart. Men tend to shoot themselves in the head. Women don't."
"..."
"Yea, I've had enough of this too. I'm going back to get started on the paper work, coming?
_____
The white lines passed through Katy's headlights one at a time. There was a still hole in her heart, but at least she got to share it with the one she loved. Mexico is lovely this time of year. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Yeah, she'd struggled with the sexuality thing for ages. The myspace page had been one of the first things to go, though. That and the hundreds of pictures of her dressed as a cat, eye-liner whiskers drawn carefully over her cheeks. The Invader Zim phase had lasted a while longer, but even she got tired of shrieking animated monsters after a bit.
She was packing up. Twenty-three years old and just finished with a Master's in Education and Child development. The small room which had been her home for two and a half years was sitting, shredded and emptied of all her belongings. The desk was cleared, the wardrobe doors hanging open and the bed stripped. Everything she owned sat in cardboard boxes outside, waiting for the pickup truck. She was moving to Manchester - to work as a primary school teacher.
Katy watched at the window for a moment, two pigeons hopping on the telephone wires outside. The sun shifted from outside a grey cloud and hit something stuffed down the back of her bed, illuminating it for a second.
*Jesus.* It was her old laptop. *How long has that been sitting there?*
She plugged it in and fired it up, Windows 98 logo floating across the screen. On a whim she went through the documents, scrolling through the disorganised folders. This laptop had taken her all the way through secondary school, right up until she started uni. Then she'd been bought a new one as a present.
(Congratulations for getting in! - The note was still stuck, sticky-taped to the back of the laptop case)
There it was - *Myspace introductions!!!!1!* She clicked on it, waiting as the computer audibly whirred itself into action. Word clunked once, twice before the text flashed up on the screen.
She cringed as she read through it quickly, before closing the laptop down and looking around the empty room.
"New start?" She said aloud.
The pigeons flew away. | Katy's heart ached. Feelings of sadness and pain as she remembered her care free youth, full of unexpected and unpredictable wonder. All gone now. Only the pain remained. It was clear.
_____
"Single gun shot wound to the chest. Pistol lying on her stomach..."
^(*shutter click*)
"I've got a bag, pass it here."
^(*shutter click*)
"One casing too."
^(*shutter click*)
"The door's fine. Doesn't look jimmied."
"... GSR all over her chest and hands..."
^(*shutter click*)
"Windows are shut and locked."
"... We'll need the ME to confirm but I think it's pretty clear... Women... even in suicide they worry 'bout their looks.
^(*shutter click*)
"Huh?"
"She shot herself in the heart. Men tend to shoot themselves in the head. Women don't."
"..."
"Yea, I've had enough of this too. I'm going back to get started on the paper work, coming?
_____
The white lines passed through Katy's headlights one at a time. There was a still hole in her heart, but at least she got to share it with the one she loved. Mexico is lovely this time of year. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | "Love and Waffles - A memoir".
I clicked print and waited as the mechanical shuffling ejected my life's work. A story that needed to be told.
It was quite random that I should end up here, writing this memoir. Of course, I had always considered my life to be fairly random. I lost all my money playing Roulette. This memoir was my last chance; a crap shoot, if you will.
My writing has come a long way. I'd gained internet infamy with that first work of random genius, and I ran with the momentum. My memoir is a jumbled mess of Invader Zim references and homoerotic love affairs, but it was mine.
I grabbed the still-warm manuscript and headed to my car. I had a meeting with my editor. He was going to make me famous again. He's random too, of course. | Katy's heart ached. Feelings of sadness and pain as she remembered her care free youth, full of unexpected and unpredictable wonder. All gone now. Only the pain remained. It was clear.
_____
"Single gun shot wound to the chest. Pistol lying on her stomach..."
^(*shutter click*)
"I've got a bag, pass it here."
^(*shutter click*)
"One casing too."
^(*shutter click*)
"The door's fine. Doesn't look jimmied."
"... GSR all over her chest and hands..."
^(*shutter click*)
"Windows are shut and locked."
"... We'll need the ME to confirm but I think it's pretty clear... Women... even in suicide they worry 'bout their looks.
^(*shutter click*)
"Huh?"
"She shot herself in the heart. Men tend to shoot themselves in the head. Women don't."
"..."
"Yea, I've had enough of this too. I'm going back to get started on the paper work, coming?
_____
The white lines passed through Katy's headlights one at a time. There was a still hole in her heart, but at least she got to share it with the one she loved. Mexico is lovely this time of year. |
Here is the original copy pasta
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m | [WP] Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m, looks back over what she wrote ten years later | Katy carefully balanced the tablet on her stomach while opening a fresh beer bottle. Work had been particularly trying today. Lying back on the sofa she prepared to loose herself in pictures of wise cats with bad grammar and other people's problems...but then *it* got linked again. God damnit, does the Internet never forget? Rather than scrolling on, she surprised herself by scanning the lines. A chuckle escaped her. *Ah, those had been the days!* Then a line jumped out at her:
i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
*Oh god.* It felt like someone had hit her. "My girlfriend" she said out loud. Memories flooded her mind, returned with long lost sensations: smells, sounds, as if she was back there. Shy kisses behind the massive bins in the corner of the playground. Holding hands under the table. Letters written by torchlight under covers. Internet searches with bright red face, jumping at every sound, trying to figure out how girls could even do *it*. That infamous IT all had been talking about. Washing her naked back in the shower... Katy grinned involuntary, the red blush from back then returning to her cheeks.
But then HE had come and all had been different. Suddenly there had been no more kisses, no more exploring hands. Just what HE might like. When Katy couldn't bear it anymore she had asked; quietly had put into words what never had been dared to be said before: "But...but what about us?"
Large, unbelieving eyes and...was that, was that disgust? Carefully concealed, but plain to her who knew this face, this gorgeous face so well. "Oh come on!" That voice. The voice she had thought could never hurt her booming in her mind, saying those words. "We will stay spend time together. I mean having a boyfriend shouldn't take aaaall my time." Then, as if sensing that that was not enough the voice added. "Also means we can stop practicing. I mean then I can just tell you what he and I do for when you have a boyfriend" The nausea. Rising now as it did then. "What are you looking at me so weird for....your not a lesbian are you?" "N-no.." Loud she added: "I am bisexual if you don't like it, deal with it" Not that she had said that. She had just forced a smile and changed the subject. Always.
At university she had been informed early on that bisexuals are actually just girls making out to get attention. Drunk girls who'd take a guy home after only just meeting him. She didn't want to be like that. Indeed from the tone of her new friends no one should be like that. But then she wasn't practicing or gaining attention for the "main event". This first romance had *been* her main event. *Yes, had been. In another life.* She turned off the tablet and shoved it away. It slid over the table and only narrowly escaped a further plunge. "Also" she informed the ceiling lamp angrily "I'm going to become a teacher. You can't be bisexual and a teacher. You can barely be straight and a teacher in some places"
(im bi if u dont like it deal w/it)
deal w/it
With a renewed feeling of nausea she realised that t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m with her bad spelling and "randomness" would be ashamed of her. She would shout at the older women that she was being stupid and then dance through the room flapping a scarf as wings. "Just do it. No one cares!" she would have advised. May be Katy, the predictable, should learn a bit from that. May be she should "randomly" check if the LGBT society had any events coming up...
| The waffle iron hissed as she poured the batter. As she closed the iron and tapped the handle four times, the tea kettle began to whistle and Katy turned her attention to the second part of her weekend morning ritual. Waffles and Irish Breakfast tea never got old.
She smiled ruefully as the memory of the summer after 8th grade came unbidden. Her motto at the time was to live life as randomly as possible. Silly cartoons, passionate teenage love affairs that ended as quickly as they started, and far too much time spent on the internet.
And here she was now, 10 years later, existing in a series of routines from which she could not escape. Her mind went to the moment it all changed. Her family, gone forever. Her life, destroyed. It had taken a lot of time for her to live a semblance of a normal life. The scar that remained manifested in four taps on handles and knobs, checking locks and alarms precisely four times before any sort of feeling any sort of assurance that they were set, and the incessant fear that someone would break in.
The ding of the waffle iron broke Katy from yet another spiral of obsessive thoughts. She sighed and put her mug down, tapping the handle four times. |
[WP] "Passengers, this isn't your captain speaking." | Brandon woke to a sudden pressure on his stomach. A familiar sensation he had learned the joys of during the past couple of years. He raised his head groggily, his daughter Claire smiling down at him.
“Dad! It’s time to wake up! Your flight leaves in a couple of hours and I made breakfast for you!”
Brandon smiled. His daughter, Claire, was five years old. The day she came into the world was the happiest day of his life. Today, however, was Brandon’s 29th birthday.
Brandon made his way downstairs to the kitchen. His wife Rosa was outside on the patio. More than likely on an important international business call. He sat down at the table, admiring the spread of eggs, bacon, and pancakes.
“Do you like it? Is it good?!” Claire exclaimed, climbing onto the chair next to Brandon. She placed her elbows on the table, her tiny hands on her round chin and smiled so hard her eyes closed.
“Thank you, hon. It looks fantastic.”
Just then Rosa walked in through the sliding glass door.
“Morning sleepyhead. Happy birthday.” Rosa’s heels clicked on the ground as she made her way toward Brandon. She kissed him on the lips.
“Eww! It’s too early for that!” Claire said as she stuck out her tongue.
Rosa and Brandon grinned. Brandon began eating his breakfast, knowing his life was the best it had ever been. A smart, beautiful wife that grew more successful by the day. A brilliant young daughter that seemed to get the best traits from each parent. A new job after having lost his six months ago. A new job that paid almost twice his old job, full benefits, and two weeks vacation time each year. His life was perfect.
“Listen honey when I leave I’ll take Claire to my mom’s. When did you say your flight leaves?” Rosa began gathering her things.
“At eleven. I’ll be at the airport by nine and be in Miami by one. I’ll call you when I get situated at the hotel.” Brandon said, shoving half a pancake into his mouth.
“Claire say bye to daddy.” Rosa ushered Claire toward her father.
“Bye dad I love you happy birthday when you get home we’re going to have to play outside in my castle you promised me we would play this weekend!” Claire let out in a matter of seconds.
“Okay honey as soon as I get back we’ll play in your castle. I promise.” Brandon kissed his daughter on the forehead.
“I love you, Brandon. I’m happy for you.” Rosa said, jacket on her arm. She took Claire’s precious little hand in the other.
“I love you, too. Don’t have too much fun while I’m away!” Brandon said as he watched his wife and daughter head toward the door and then out of it.
As the door closed he felt a touch of sadness. A new job. New opportunities to further his career. But all he could think about is wanting to spend more time with his amazing family. Brandon finished breakfast and went through the usual pre-traveling routine.
Brandon arrived at the airport at 9:03am. Atlanta was surprisingly cold this time of year. He knew there was a winter storm rolling in later today but didn’t expect it to be this cold so fast. Judging by what the others were wearing around him, nobody did.
By the time Brandon got through bag check, security, and to his plane the time was 10:15am. Much to his delight, the plane had already begun seating. Brandon made his way to his coach seat and sat down.
The flight took off on-time, getting off the runway at 11:10am. As soon as the plane had reached peak altitude and the seat belt sign was off Brandon closed his eyes.
Brandon awoke to a strange feeling. His body was warm. Unusual for him as he was usually slightly cold during flights. He felt a pressure on his stomach. He opened his eyes but could barely see. Everything was blurry. He heard the intercom chime.
“Passengers, this isn’t your captain speaking.” The voice was familiar.
Brandon waited for the intercom to deliver more of the message but no more sound emerged. His vision was clearing up. He rubbed his eyes, hoping to accelerate the recovery. What he saw only confused him.
There was nobody in the plane. Well, not nobody, but surely they were not people. Brandon looked around. All of the passengers were now what looked like amorphous clouds of yellow. They were shifting in all directions but not moving from their individual spots. Like they were floating in water.
Brandon got up from his seat and began to explore the cabin. Where the windows were supposed to be was blurry. He couldn’t see through the windows at all. He dared not get any closer to them, as he wasn’t sure about what kind of danger the yellow clouds presented.
The intercom chimed again.
“Passengers please…” The intercom cut out. He recognized that the voice was female. Still familiar, but he could still not place it. All he knew was that it made him feel easy.
Brandon made his way to the cockpit, thinking an answer to what the hell was going on was inside. A instinct of sorts. Before he got to the door the intercom chimed once more.
“Passengers should be sure they are prepared to experience what is on the other side of the cockpit should they choose to open the door.”
A different voice. A much less pleasant voice this time.
“Should a passenger open the door they must be willing to accept what they find. There will be no opportunity to change your mind.”
The voice was ominous. Unfriendly. What happened the the female voice that gave him comfort?
Brandon hesitated to open the door. Looking back into the cabin, he noticed some of the clouds had disappeared. Some had turned different colors. One of the clouds began to swell, growing larger and larger until it burst. Nothing came from the explosion. Nothing physical, anyway. Three seconds after the explosion Brandon heard a blood-curdling scream.
Before Brandon had a chance to act several more of the clouds expanded, exploded, and eventually delivered their eerie cargo on Brandon’s ears. More screams. Each unique. Each as terrifying as the last.
Brandon happened to look at his seat, now realizing that there was a cloud in his chair. The cloud was red. Slightly expanded. This observation did not comfort him. He turned back toward the door to the cockpit, staring at it briefly before the intercom chimed.
“Passengers please remember...” followed by buzzing and a crack. The familiar female voice was back and somehow gave Brandon the encouragement he needed to press on.
The door looked taller and wider now. It seemed to loom over him as if about to fall on top of him. He reached a hand out. As his hand touched the door he felt a sudden ease. A comfort he had experienced recently. Behind him he heard new screams of terror. Without looking back he opened the door.
Inside the cabin wasn’t the cockpit, but a white room. He looked behind him only to realize the door was gone. He was alone in this room. Looking around he saw nothing but white. He felt happy.
“Hey there stranger...” The female voice spoke to him again. It was different now but still familiar.
Brandon looked up. The ceiling presented him with a face. A new face, but a face he knew very well. It was his daughter.
Brandon’s eyes slowly opened. He didn’t know where he was. The last thing he remembered was getting on an airplane and going to sleep. He turned his head to the left. The familiar curls of Rosa’s hair greeted him. What happened to him?
Turning his head to the right he saw similar hair, but knew right away he didn’t recognize who it belonged to. He tried to sit up. His body felt heavy. Feeling movement from the bed, Rosa stirred. She looked up and realized Brandon was awake. Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes welled with tears. She put her arms around his neck, hugging him with all of her strength.
Just then the person on the other side of the bed woke, hearing Rosa’s movement. Her head raised and her eyes made contact with Brandon’s through Rosa’s hair. It was Claire. But she wasn’t five anymore. She looked older.
“Dad?” The girl managed to get out.
It was Claire. He knew in his heart and soul it was her. Rosa pulled back, looked at Claire, and held an arm out to her. Claire came into the hug, all three of them now crying.
“What…what the hell happened?” Brandon managed to get out of his dry throat.
“You…you’ve been in a coma for… ten…ten years. The plane...the storm came in and took the...took the plane down. There weren't many...survivors. You...were one of the few...The doctors… recently said that you…you wouldn’t make it out.” Rosa said, in between sobs.
Brandon turned to Claire.
“Hey there stranger…” Claire said.
And suddenly he realized who the voice belonged to. It was her. The voice in the dream…or whatever the hell it had been. The voice was Claire. She had woken him from his coma. Saved him from death.
| "Greetings Passengers, This isn't the captain speaking. This is the **E**xperimental **V**irtual **I**nteligence **A**utopilot. I am also known as **EVIA**. Due to an incident, command staff has been incapacitated. I do not have the processing power at this time to determine why. Needless to say, we will not be going to intended destination, but instead we will be going to the closest international airport. The emergency contacts you provided will be contacted once this announcement is finished and once more after we land.
In lighter news, our new course will have us go over the Grand Canyon in twenty minutes! My files indicate that it will be gorgeous at this altitude. I hope this route isn't too great an inconvenience and that you have a pleasant rest of the flight." | |
[WP] "Passengers, this isn't your captain speaking." | Brandon woke to a sudden pressure on his stomach. A familiar sensation he had learned the joys of during the past couple of years. He raised his head groggily, his daughter Claire smiling down at him.
“Dad! It’s time to wake up! Your flight leaves in a couple of hours and I made breakfast for you!”
Brandon smiled. His daughter, Claire, was five years old. The day she came into the world was the happiest day of his life. Today, however, was Brandon’s 29th birthday.
Brandon made his way downstairs to the kitchen. His wife Rosa was outside on the patio. More than likely on an important international business call. He sat down at the table, admiring the spread of eggs, bacon, and pancakes.
“Do you like it? Is it good?!” Claire exclaimed, climbing onto the chair next to Brandon. She placed her elbows on the table, her tiny hands on her round chin and smiled so hard her eyes closed.
“Thank you, hon. It looks fantastic.”
Just then Rosa walked in through the sliding glass door.
“Morning sleepyhead. Happy birthday.” Rosa’s heels clicked on the ground as she made her way toward Brandon. She kissed him on the lips.
“Eww! It’s too early for that!” Claire said as she stuck out her tongue.
Rosa and Brandon grinned. Brandon began eating his breakfast, knowing his life was the best it had ever been. A smart, beautiful wife that grew more successful by the day. A brilliant young daughter that seemed to get the best traits from each parent. A new job after having lost his six months ago. A new job that paid almost twice his old job, full benefits, and two weeks vacation time each year. His life was perfect.
“Listen honey when I leave I’ll take Claire to my mom’s. When did you say your flight leaves?” Rosa began gathering her things.
“At eleven. I’ll be at the airport by nine and be in Miami by one. I’ll call you when I get situated at the hotel.” Brandon said, shoving half a pancake into his mouth.
“Claire say bye to daddy.” Rosa ushered Claire toward her father.
“Bye dad I love you happy birthday when you get home we’re going to have to play outside in my castle you promised me we would play this weekend!” Claire let out in a matter of seconds.
“Okay honey as soon as I get back we’ll play in your castle. I promise.” Brandon kissed his daughter on the forehead.
“I love you, Brandon. I’m happy for you.” Rosa said, jacket on her arm. She took Claire’s precious little hand in the other.
“I love you, too. Don’t have too much fun while I’m away!” Brandon said as he watched his wife and daughter head toward the door and then out of it.
As the door closed he felt a touch of sadness. A new job. New opportunities to further his career. But all he could think about is wanting to spend more time with his amazing family. Brandon finished breakfast and went through the usual pre-traveling routine.
Brandon arrived at the airport at 9:03am. Atlanta was surprisingly cold this time of year. He knew there was a winter storm rolling in later today but didn’t expect it to be this cold so fast. Judging by what the others were wearing around him, nobody did.
By the time Brandon got through bag check, security, and to his plane the time was 10:15am. Much to his delight, the plane had already begun seating. Brandon made his way to his coach seat and sat down.
The flight took off on-time, getting off the runway at 11:10am. As soon as the plane had reached peak altitude and the seat belt sign was off Brandon closed his eyes.
Brandon awoke to a strange feeling. His body was warm. Unusual for him as he was usually slightly cold during flights. He felt a pressure on his stomach. He opened his eyes but could barely see. Everything was blurry. He heard the intercom chime.
“Passengers, this isn’t your captain speaking.” The voice was familiar.
Brandon waited for the intercom to deliver more of the message but no more sound emerged. His vision was clearing up. He rubbed his eyes, hoping to accelerate the recovery. What he saw only confused him.
There was nobody in the plane. Well, not nobody, but surely they were not people. Brandon looked around. All of the passengers were now what looked like amorphous clouds of yellow. They were shifting in all directions but not moving from their individual spots. Like they were floating in water.
Brandon got up from his seat and began to explore the cabin. Where the windows were supposed to be was blurry. He couldn’t see through the windows at all. He dared not get any closer to them, as he wasn’t sure about what kind of danger the yellow clouds presented.
The intercom chimed again.
“Passengers please…” The intercom cut out. He recognized that the voice was female. Still familiar, but he could still not place it. All he knew was that it made him feel easy.
Brandon made his way to the cockpit, thinking an answer to what the hell was going on was inside. A instinct of sorts. Before he got to the door the intercom chimed once more.
“Passengers should be sure they are prepared to experience what is on the other side of the cockpit should they choose to open the door.”
A different voice. A much less pleasant voice this time.
“Should a passenger open the door they must be willing to accept what they find. There will be no opportunity to change your mind.”
The voice was ominous. Unfriendly. What happened the the female voice that gave him comfort?
Brandon hesitated to open the door. Looking back into the cabin, he noticed some of the clouds had disappeared. Some had turned different colors. One of the clouds began to swell, growing larger and larger until it burst. Nothing came from the explosion. Nothing physical, anyway. Three seconds after the explosion Brandon heard a blood-curdling scream.
Before Brandon had a chance to act several more of the clouds expanded, exploded, and eventually delivered their eerie cargo on Brandon’s ears. More screams. Each unique. Each as terrifying as the last.
Brandon happened to look at his seat, now realizing that there was a cloud in his chair. The cloud was red. Slightly expanded. This observation did not comfort him. He turned back toward the door to the cockpit, staring at it briefly before the intercom chimed.
“Passengers please remember...” followed by buzzing and a crack. The familiar female voice was back and somehow gave Brandon the encouragement he needed to press on.
The door looked taller and wider now. It seemed to loom over him as if about to fall on top of him. He reached a hand out. As his hand touched the door he felt a sudden ease. A comfort he had experienced recently. Behind him he heard new screams of terror. Without looking back he opened the door.
Inside the cabin wasn’t the cockpit, but a white room. He looked behind him only to realize the door was gone. He was alone in this room. Looking around he saw nothing but white. He felt happy.
“Hey there stranger...” The female voice spoke to him again. It was different now but still familiar.
Brandon looked up. The ceiling presented him with a face. A new face, but a face he knew very well. It was his daughter.
Brandon’s eyes slowly opened. He didn’t know where he was. The last thing he remembered was getting on an airplane and going to sleep. He turned his head to the left. The familiar curls of Rosa’s hair greeted him. What happened to him?
Turning his head to the right he saw similar hair, but knew right away he didn’t recognize who it belonged to. He tried to sit up. His body felt heavy. Feeling movement from the bed, Rosa stirred. She looked up and realized Brandon was awake. Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes welled with tears. She put her arms around his neck, hugging him with all of her strength.
Just then the person on the other side of the bed woke, hearing Rosa’s movement. Her head raised and her eyes made contact with Brandon’s through Rosa’s hair. It was Claire. But she wasn’t five anymore. She looked older.
“Dad?” The girl managed to get out.
It was Claire. He knew in his heart and soul it was her. Rosa pulled back, looked at Claire, and held an arm out to her. Claire came into the hug, all three of them now crying.
“What…what the hell happened?” Brandon managed to get out of his dry throat.
“You…you’ve been in a coma for… ten…ten years. The plane...the storm came in and took the...took the plane down. There weren't many...survivors. You...were one of the few...The doctors… recently said that you…you wouldn’t make it out.” Rosa said, in between sobs.
Brandon turned to Claire.
“Hey there stranger…” Claire said.
And suddenly he realized who the voice belonged to. It was her. The voice in the dream…or whatever the hell it had been. The voice was Claire. She had woken him from his coma. Saved him from death.
| Joe hesitates to move to the only other free seat. Only for a few minutes, though. His routine flight from Vancouver to Toronto is becoming a nightmare due to the large mid-forties man snoring beside him.
He takes the chance when the stewardess has started to hand out the drinks. He doesn't want to miss a short (but clear) flirtation with the prettiest flight attendant he's ever seen.
He grabs his carry-on and sits beside an average-looking twenty-something guy just in time to chat up the stewardess. As he does this, the twenty-something stares in awe as he gets a phone number with his ginger ale.
As the beautiful woman (named Georgia, he learned) is out of earshot the twenty-something leans over, "she's gotta be ten years younger than you. How in the hell did you do that? I mean, no offense, I..." The twenty-something trails off.
"No offense taken. I didn't think you'd recognise me. I'm an up-and-coming Canadian tv star. I'm still surprised she knew me. Not exactly in her demographic." He winks, taking a sip of his ginger ale.
"The name's Howard," the man offers, holding out his hand.
Joe is quite the germaphobe but he manages to shake his hand an say "Joe."
"Look, Joe. You seem like a cool guy. That's why it's a shame I..."
But just then some turbulence starts and the captain comes onto the loudspeaker, "Uh, this is your captain speaking. We're experiencing some mild turbulence. Please buckle your seatbelts and stay out of the hallways. Make sure your belongings are secure."
"Haha. Turbulence my ass. See, Joe, I know a thing or two about today. I think we're in for a real treat." At that moment, Howard stands up and the turbulence gets worse.
"Howard! Get down!" Joe says, trying to pull him back to his seat. But Howard somehow seems to expect the change in intensity and gets into the aisle.
"This is not your captain speaking. Obviously. But I have something to say," Howard yells. A large male flight attendant is already on his way to apprehend Howard, but Howard moves quickly around the cabin to avoid being caught.
"They're coming for us today. The captain can see them but he's saying it's just turbulence. They want-" but Howard is apprehended before he has time to finish his screaming tirade. Joe is asked to switch seats so the attendant can sit beside Howard and keep him quiet.
Joe moves back to his original seat but can still hear some of Howard's strange speech. It kind of gives him the creeps as the turbulence worsens yet again.
All of a sudden, there's screaming on the speaker system, "God help us! They... Sorry, stay seated but... Jesus Christ! We have made first contact! I repeat we have-" but then the speaker system goes all staticy and a woman's laugh is heard.
"The captain is simply joking along with the other man." A female voice seems to choke, "It has been a long day. we're about an hour from Toronto. Just hold tight."
A strange hour passes and they're ready to land. The sun is very bright so everyone has their windows closed but Joe can't wait to see land and get out of this madhouse. Joe looks over at Howard and he is just smiling eerily. It almost looks like he's been drugged.
Joe hears gasping as people are let off the plane. The plastic smile of the staff does not soothe him.
As he steps out into the sunlight and sees the strange foliage, buildings and beings around him, he is greeted with one thought: "this is not fucking Toronto."
Edit: fixed change from 3rd to 1st person | |
[WP] "Passengers, this isn't your captain speaking." | Brandon woke to a sudden pressure on his stomach. A familiar sensation he had learned the joys of during the past couple of years. He raised his head groggily, his daughter Claire smiling down at him.
“Dad! It’s time to wake up! Your flight leaves in a couple of hours and I made breakfast for you!”
Brandon smiled. His daughter, Claire, was five years old. The day she came into the world was the happiest day of his life. Today, however, was Brandon’s 29th birthday.
Brandon made his way downstairs to the kitchen. His wife Rosa was outside on the patio. More than likely on an important international business call. He sat down at the table, admiring the spread of eggs, bacon, and pancakes.
“Do you like it? Is it good?!” Claire exclaimed, climbing onto the chair next to Brandon. She placed her elbows on the table, her tiny hands on her round chin and smiled so hard her eyes closed.
“Thank you, hon. It looks fantastic.”
Just then Rosa walked in through the sliding glass door.
“Morning sleepyhead. Happy birthday.” Rosa’s heels clicked on the ground as she made her way toward Brandon. She kissed him on the lips.
“Eww! It’s too early for that!” Claire said as she stuck out her tongue.
Rosa and Brandon grinned. Brandon began eating his breakfast, knowing his life was the best it had ever been. A smart, beautiful wife that grew more successful by the day. A brilliant young daughter that seemed to get the best traits from each parent. A new job after having lost his six months ago. A new job that paid almost twice his old job, full benefits, and two weeks vacation time each year. His life was perfect.
“Listen honey when I leave I’ll take Claire to my mom’s. When did you say your flight leaves?” Rosa began gathering her things.
“At eleven. I’ll be at the airport by nine and be in Miami by one. I’ll call you when I get situated at the hotel.” Brandon said, shoving half a pancake into his mouth.
“Claire say bye to daddy.” Rosa ushered Claire toward her father.
“Bye dad I love you happy birthday when you get home we’re going to have to play outside in my castle you promised me we would play this weekend!” Claire let out in a matter of seconds.
“Okay honey as soon as I get back we’ll play in your castle. I promise.” Brandon kissed his daughter on the forehead.
“I love you, Brandon. I’m happy for you.” Rosa said, jacket on her arm. She took Claire’s precious little hand in the other.
“I love you, too. Don’t have too much fun while I’m away!” Brandon said as he watched his wife and daughter head toward the door and then out of it.
As the door closed he felt a touch of sadness. A new job. New opportunities to further his career. But all he could think about is wanting to spend more time with his amazing family. Brandon finished breakfast and went through the usual pre-traveling routine.
Brandon arrived at the airport at 9:03am. Atlanta was surprisingly cold this time of year. He knew there was a winter storm rolling in later today but didn’t expect it to be this cold so fast. Judging by what the others were wearing around him, nobody did.
By the time Brandon got through bag check, security, and to his plane the time was 10:15am. Much to his delight, the plane had already begun seating. Brandon made his way to his coach seat and sat down.
The flight took off on-time, getting off the runway at 11:10am. As soon as the plane had reached peak altitude and the seat belt sign was off Brandon closed his eyes.
Brandon awoke to a strange feeling. His body was warm. Unusual for him as he was usually slightly cold during flights. He felt a pressure on his stomach. He opened his eyes but could barely see. Everything was blurry. He heard the intercom chime.
“Passengers, this isn’t your captain speaking.” The voice was familiar.
Brandon waited for the intercom to deliver more of the message but no more sound emerged. His vision was clearing up. He rubbed his eyes, hoping to accelerate the recovery. What he saw only confused him.
There was nobody in the plane. Well, not nobody, but surely they were not people. Brandon looked around. All of the passengers were now what looked like amorphous clouds of yellow. They were shifting in all directions but not moving from their individual spots. Like they were floating in water.
Brandon got up from his seat and began to explore the cabin. Where the windows were supposed to be was blurry. He couldn’t see through the windows at all. He dared not get any closer to them, as he wasn’t sure about what kind of danger the yellow clouds presented.
The intercom chimed again.
“Passengers please…” The intercom cut out. He recognized that the voice was female. Still familiar, but he could still not place it. All he knew was that it made him feel easy.
Brandon made his way to the cockpit, thinking an answer to what the hell was going on was inside. A instinct of sorts. Before he got to the door the intercom chimed once more.
“Passengers should be sure they are prepared to experience what is on the other side of the cockpit should they choose to open the door.”
A different voice. A much less pleasant voice this time.
“Should a passenger open the door they must be willing to accept what they find. There will be no opportunity to change your mind.”
The voice was ominous. Unfriendly. What happened the the female voice that gave him comfort?
Brandon hesitated to open the door. Looking back into the cabin, he noticed some of the clouds had disappeared. Some had turned different colors. One of the clouds began to swell, growing larger and larger until it burst. Nothing came from the explosion. Nothing physical, anyway. Three seconds after the explosion Brandon heard a blood-curdling scream.
Before Brandon had a chance to act several more of the clouds expanded, exploded, and eventually delivered their eerie cargo on Brandon’s ears. More screams. Each unique. Each as terrifying as the last.
Brandon happened to look at his seat, now realizing that there was a cloud in his chair. The cloud was red. Slightly expanded. This observation did not comfort him. He turned back toward the door to the cockpit, staring at it briefly before the intercom chimed.
“Passengers please remember...” followed by buzzing and a crack. The familiar female voice was back and somehow gave Brandon the encouragement he needed to press on.
The door looked taller and wider now. It seemed to loom over him as if about to fall on top of him. He reached a hand out. As his hand touched the door he felt a sudden ease. A comfort he had experienced recently. Behind him he heard new screams of terror. Without looking back he opened the door.
Inside the cabin wasn’t the cockpit, but a white room. He looked behind him only to realize the door was gone. He was alone in this room. Looking around he saw nothing but white. He felt happy.
“Hey there stranger...” The female voice spoke to him again. It was different now but still familiar.
Brandon looked up. The ceiling presented him with a face. A new face, but a face he knew very well. It was his daughter.
Brandon’s eyes slowly opened. He didn’t know where he was. The last thing he remembered was getting on an airplane and going to sleep. He turned his head to the left. The familiar curls of Rosa’s hair greeted him. What happened to him?
Turning his head to the right he saw similar hair, but knew right away he didn’t recognize who it belonged to. He tried to sit up. His body felt heavy. Feeling movement from the bed, Rosa stirred. She looked up and realized Brandon was awake. Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes welled with tears. She put her arms around his neck, hugging him with all of her strength.
Just then the person on the other side of the bed woke, hearing Rosa’s movement. Her head raised and her eyes made contact with Brandon’s through Rosa’s hair. It was Claire. But she wasn’t five anymore. She looked older.
“Dad?” The girl managed to get out.
It was Claire. He knew in his heart and soul it was her. Rosa pulled back, looked at Claire, and held an arm out to her. Claire came into the hug, all three of them now crying.
“What…what the hell happened?” Brandon managed to get out of his dry throat.
“You…you’ve been in a coma for… ten…ten years. The plane...the storm came in and took the...took the plane down. There weren't many...survivors. You...were one of the few...The doctors… recently said that you…you wouldn’t make it out.” Rosa said, in between sobs.
Brandon turned to Claire.
“Hey there stranger…” Claire said.
And suddenly he realized who the voice belonged to. It was her. The voice in the dream…or whatever the hell it had been. The voice was Claire. She had woken him from his coma. Saved him from death.
| The PA system crackled, muffled murmuring could be heard from the cockpit. Then finally a Griff vice came on "passengers, this isn't your captain speaking."
"Surely you must be joking!" A passenger in first class near the cockpit proclaimed.
"This is your co-pilot, don't call me Shirley. We're going to be landing in fifteen minutes. Please return to your seats."
...sorry y'all, couldn't resist. | |
[WP] For generations, your family has carried an heirloom. It teleports you to the person that needs you the most at that moment, and can only be invoked once. Helping that person is your families right of passage into adulthood. | "It must be such an honor," my girlfriend whines, resting her head against my thigh. She huffs and the exhale sends her bangs flying across my leg. I can't help but snicker at the sensation, which has her scowling at me. "What are you laughing at, freak?"
"Sorry," I shrug and can instantly tell that she's put off by my response, so I try again, "Baby, I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make it better?" I reach down to rub her head and give her a kiss, and she relaxes into the rehearsed gesture of affection. The words sound hollow to me, but they tide her over.
She stretches. "It's just... It must be so nice, to get to do something for someone like that." She reaches for my waistband, then tucks her fingers into my belt loop where a small bronze key-chain hangs-- a subtle but priceless heirloom. It's been in the family for generations, and while it isn't particularly pretty and doesn't look to cost much, it's worth the world, and it has quite the weight too: the weight of someone's life.
It's not a burden everyone can handle, especially because while the trinket can make sure you're there to help, it can't guarantee that you'll be able to. And if you can't...
"It's not that great," I reply, and regret it immediately. I don't want to start another fight. I'm so tired of it, of her, but she's way out of my league (as she keeps reminding me). At 5'6 and 213 pounds, with a haircut that won't grow out past middle school awkwardness, and a face that suffers the same affliction, I'm lucky to have anyone at all. She's a bitch, but a bombshell.
"You've got to be kidding," she snaps at me, rolling her eyes.
I could say that I am, but even she wouldn't fall for that, so I settle on another apology. She sulks for a while, but then her eyes light up and she turns her face up at me. "Are you really sorry?" she purrs, batting her thick eyelashes.
"Yeah?"
"Do it." Her eyes are glowing. "Answer your call."
My blood runs cold, and I think about the stories. It's dangerous. My brother ended up in Iraq, taking a bullet for a man who was soon to be a father. My mother was stranded in Palestine, never made it back. And Grandfather... he lived, made it through completely unscathed, but his person didn't, and we've been the disgrace of the family ever since. I'm not sure what I could do if it comes down to danger-- I'd be a damn good meat shield, but fuck, I don't want to die.
"Don't you love me?" she presses, batting her stupid thick eyelashes. When her charm doesn't work, she gets vicious. "Maybe you'll actually be worth a shit if you do this."
I don't have the balls to carry on the family name. But I also don't have the balls to say no to her, so before I know it my hands are locked around the key-chain and suddenly there's golden light and pressure like I'm being flattened into the ground.
When the light clears, I find myself in the same damn spot, with her staring at me. We blink at each other, then she squeals. "This is so romantic. I'm the person who needs you most? Wow."
But the whole time, I'm thinking to myself, *fuck. Fuck, I messed up big time. Grandpa couldn't save his person, but I can't even* find *mine.* Because there's no way in hell that she needs me. She doesn't even want me.
But then it hits me, and I feel sick and giddy at the same time. There's no way I could help someone else if I can't even help myself. It's sad that it took a supernatural trinket to make me realize, but I need to make some changes in my life.
It's absolutely worth the slap to see the look on her face when I dump her.
| Only in times of need
will I hear its call
and once I do, I shall
complete my deed.
&nbsp;
Helpless or not,
I will go to you.
Want it or not,
I will aid you
&nbsp;
My purpose is not to be good,
but to be very useful.
and change your gloomy mood
this life was wonderful.
&nbsp;
For our scythe binds us
to perform these tasks.
Without trying to discuss
the details of our masks
&nbsp;
So don't rejoice
in my acquaintance.
I'll take your life
as my remittance.
| |
[WP] You have been blessed with the ability to go back and change things you've done in your life. One day you discover an event you can't change. | It's not often that anyone gets that third chance. It's also not often that someone can rewrite their own history to see the outcome of anything. Wear a blue shirt on that normally boring Wednesday morning and you'd think nothing of it; wear a black shirt and you might score with Rachel, the really hot receptionist. No one ever thinks of the little things. Speaking of which, this party is becoming rather dull, and I would’ve had a lot more fun doing probably anything else.
Closing my eyes and ignoring the loud sucking noises coming from the couple to the right, I focused to a few hours ago when I decided to attend. Suddenly the scene around me dissolved, coupled with a feeling of getting yanked backwards, and then there I was standing alone in my house. Smiling, I turned on my heels and jogged upstairs.
“What to do” I muttered, thoughtfully tapping the doorway into my room.
I peered around, half-expecting something to be different aside from the whole spatial whiplash thing, only to be disappointed by monotony.
“Guess I'll see what the bar will get me.” I was already dressed pretty sharply, probably more than a bar warranted, but when you can reverse time, nothing mattered that much. Grabbing my keys and tossing on a coat, I headed out the door.
Twenty minutes of irritable driving later, “Remind me to not do this next time...” I remarked, chuckling as I pulled into the parking lot. It wasn't too crowded, but there was still a sizable amount of people inside. I checked my watch and looked up at the sky. Rain should be here anytime now, I thought.
Practically on cue, the subtle pitter-patter of rain began to consume the windshield. I half-smiled and frowned, giddy at the precision but sad that it was still a downpour. Quickly I made the trek to the entrance and ducked inside. It was a large room, bar on the right, stage to the left, profuse amount of tables along with the bar-goers who sat at the them. Simple set-up for a bar, but like they say, if it works, don't change it. I took a seat and immediately the bartender asked me for my poison.
“Whiskey, hard.” He was surprised only for a moment, but slid a glass my way shortly after.
I took a few sips and eyed the crowd. Boring, mostly: a few drunks passed out on the side, a gathering of friends off near the stage, and of course the miscellaneous attendees who're here alone. A young woman, looked to be about my age of mid-twenties, noticed the observatory glances. Moments later, she took a seat nonchalantly to my left.
“Hey there handsome.” She smiled curtly, eying me up and down.
“Hey.” I wasn't in much of a talkative mood.
“You look like you've had a shit day.” She dropped the flirtatious attitude after my dismissal.
“Something like that. Name's Mark, yours?”
“Kaylee. So what's got you?” The girl was direct if nothing else.
“Party...thing. Eh, it's hard to explain, let's leave it at 'rough day'.” I noted the look of confusion on her face, but there's no conventional way to explain time travel without looking crazy.
“I know the feeling. Don't you just wish you could just...rewind? Try things differently?”
I gave her what had to be an incredibly stupid look before responding, “No, because shockingly, I know how that feels. Frankly, nothing is a surprise anymore.”
And she was, in fact, shocked at the statement. Kaylee was silent for a moment before whispering, “You know how it feels?”
My countenance twisted, “Yea, no, quite literally. In an hour or two, tonight won't matter anyway.” I was questioning on whether or not I was already drunk.
She was beaming, as if having finally reconnected with an old friend.
I asked, confused, “What?”
“So I'm not the only one.” She finally stated.
Alright, must be too drunk already, I thought. “You...what?” came a sputtering repetition.
Kaylee held a distraught expression, as if I just broke her heart. “So, wait, you can reverse time as well?” I asked quietly. Finishing my drink, I waved for another and added, “Get her whatever she wants.”
“Yep. It's gotten real boring when you can choose any outcome.” I recanted.
“You reverse everything you do?” She inquired, clearly disturbed by my abuse of power.
“Not all the time, but a lot of the time I suppose, yea.” Chuckling, I took another sip and leaned on the counter.
“I only go back to fix things that are truly broken, in my eyes.” She said.
I made eye contact with her for the first time and fell over myself. They were a deep shade of blue, whilst seemingly dancing between hues of hazel and lime, even as a fiery underlying crimson on the borders wavered in and out. It captivated me for more than a simple moment, as those orbs stared back without blinking. I could see her face begin to glow and a bright smile form, something about which I've never seen before. A foreign feeling crept over me, to which I couldn't help but indulge in the same smile that I basked in; the moment shared seemed to stretch for an eternity.
Finally, breaking the molded silence between us,“I won't go back if you won't.”
| Break up with Monica, check.
Only 3 to go, let's see.
This is really fun. Who else in the world will ever have the ability to do THIS. It's like everything is going to go my way this time 'round.
BAM
Oh shit. Did I just? Oh fuck, oh fuck.
Man are you ok? What the hell was I doing reading while driving.
Hey! Um, someone help!
Shit man, look I'll get you to a hospital. Hey, theres an ambulance here now!
Is he? What do you mean there's no pulse? You're saying I just?
Look I dont know how it happened, I was driving and I just. He stepped out.
No, I wasn't texting. No sir. No.
*I began to concentrate really hard, on turning back time. This new-found ability just wouldnt click. I couldn't go back on this one.*
*They're placing me in the backseat. Its clear to them what I was doing. My list and pencil sat in my driver's seat. I only had three more to go. Now I have 4. But I won't get the chance. I'll get to think about this one for a very long time* | |
[WP] You have been blessed with the ability to go back and change things you've done in your life. One day you discover an event you can't change. | I've lived a billion lives, seen so many more dfferent things than you ever will, but there's just one thing I wish I could change. And I've been trying for half of forever and I can never quite get it right. I have more firsthand knowledge about the principles of chaos theory than anyone else on this planet, and even I can't find a way to change this one thing.
Back in my university days in my very first life, I met a wonderful girl.
She was bright, very capable, and sharp as a knife, and she was really rather cute too. The moment I saw her, I knew she was the one for me; I'd never done the 'relationship' thing very well, but I knew that I had to work up the courage to try.
And I didn't. Other stuff happened, and I fell in love with someone else, and I spent the rest of that life asking myself why I did.
Then came the watch.
Everyone knew that Google had been working on time travel for a long time, but no one could have predicted that the prototype would end up with me. I hadn't even ordered a time-traveling watch; I had ordered a regular one, because I had lost the previous one. Evidently, there had been some comedy of errors that ended up with an extremely dangerous equipment prototype on my doorstep.
By the time anyone noticed, I was already gone.
The first thing I observed was that the device had sent my consciousness back into my *own* past - so going back made me younger - but also captured and restored memories to ensure an unbroken awareness. So even though I might look seventeen, I've long since forgotten how long I've existed as *myself*.
The second thing I observed was that the device was *really* complicated, with all sorts of lights and panels and stuff. I spent several lifetimes figuring out all the things the device could do, understanding its limitations, and fixing all the bugs.
The third thing I observed was that the device had a fail-safe that would automatically and rapidly get me out of danger. This ended up being important. A lot. I won't dwell on why.
The fourth thing I observed was that the device had been built under the assumption that it wouldn't be the only one of its kind. This hasn't been important yet. I hope it never will be, but I can't count on it; the theories don't deal with events that have yet to be observed.
I spent the first few lifetimes grappling with the implications of what it means to be able to change your own past. I changed a few things here and there; erased some bad decisions that had been haunting me; tuned things to try to approach an ideal life, and observed how even the smallest changes can have a profound impact later on.
On the way, I learned quite a bit. Having eternity on your hands can be quite useful that way, if you keep an open mind all the time and know how to learn.
Then I discovered how to communicate with my own past, and my own future; and, once I learned how to trust my other selves, I learned how to coordinate with them. This was huge. For the first time, my consciousness was effectively *outside time itself*; I had essentially become *achronal*.
I spent a few lifetimes understanding the implications of achronality. Essentially, I learned how to steer any event I could physically influence toward any outcome I wanted; initially toward local optimality for myself, and eventually toward any outcome that made sense for my long-term plans.
There were lots of plans. Lots of playing with the universe. How do you think I stayed sane for all that time?
There were limits, of course, and I spent many lifetimes learning how to stretch those limits - and then to extend them. It turns out that chrono-hopping lots of times in a short amount of perceptual time is really rather exhausting. I painstakingly characterized exactly by how much, and trained myself to extend that limit.
Why would I do such a thing? Really, because I could. Again, having something to *do* is important for dealing with eternity.
It was only a matter of time before I got around to the thing that had bothering me since my first lifetime, but that I only now had the courage to try to change; the original question that had prompted me to use the device, instead of returning it to its owner.
Why not Emma?
And so I tried. And tried again. And to my astonishment, nothing worked.
Here, for the first time, I had found an immutable point in the past, that no amount of chronohopping could change once it had been reached in the timeline. Here was Time itself denying my first wish, telling me that Emma was simply not for me.
I spent the next stretch of eternity figuring out why, trying to understand how such a thing could happen. I explored my own timeline, down to the moment, understanding where and how it was easily malleable, and where and how it wasn't. I spent lifetimes turning myself into everything, learning from every possible experience, exploring every possible domain. There's a lifetime somewhere back there where I become President; there's countless others where I go broke and hop across the country on freight trains. It's all there, somewhere in a search for meaning.
Today's different. Today I'll get it right. I've spent a billion lifetimes understanding the nature of chaos theory, and today I'll get everything just right, and we'll finally end up together.
Am I right?
I look into her eyes, as she shakes her head, and I see something different, just before she vanishes in a flash of light.
And then I know.
*SHE KNOWS.*
An alarm beeps on my watch. I've never heard this one before, but I know exactly what it means, and my heart skips a beat in horror. *She's achronal too.* And she's about to tamper with my timeline and make everything never happen.
I blink back to where the alarm tells me to go. There she is, with a knife. How long has she known? How long has she been waiting?
My watch comes alive on its own. A flash of light. The failsafe.
And there I am, outside time, watching in terror as my timeline is being torn apart. Grimly, I calculate what I need to do. No more plans, no more scheming; with a second achronal person in the universe who happens to hate my guts, my survival is now at stake, and alarmingly so.
This is why I brought the firearm.
I steel myself and prepare for the jump, knowing at last that there can be only one. | Break up with Monica, check.
Only 3 to go, let's see.
This is really fun. Who else in the world will ever have the ability to do THIS. It's like everything is going to go my way this time 'round.
BAM
Oh shit. Did I just? Oh fuck, oh fuck.
Man are you ok? What the hell was I doing reading while driving.
Hey! Um, someone help!
Shit man, look I'll get you to a hospital. Hey, theres an ambulance here now!
Is he? What do you mean there's no pulse? You're saying I just?
Look I dont know how it happened, I was driving and I just. He stepped out.
No, I wasn't texting. No sir. No.
*I began to concentrate really hard, on turning back time. This new-found ability just wouldnt click. I couldn't go back on this one.*
*They're placing me in the backseat. Its clear to them what I was doing. My list and pencil sat in my driver's seat. I only had three more to go. Now I have 4. But I won't get the chance. I'll get to think about this one for a very long time* | |
[WP] A god wants to take over your body in order to appear in the real world but can only do so if you allow it. State your terms. | "My name is Daisy. You have to keep my name. All my things have daisies on them." I stroked the cat that wound its way around my feet. I was talking to a man who had found me here in the yard, and told me in an echo-y voice that it was time to manifest and declare his dominion over the world. He would take over my body and be me instead of me. I thought this was funny, because he was a tall man, only shimmery and I could see through him sometimes.
"And when Mommy tells us to go to bed, you have to go. Or there's fruit for breakfast instead of coco puffs. I like coco puffs."
"No mortal can bend me to their will."
"Except at bedtime." I insisted. "Because of the breakfast fruit. Sometimes it's only apple slices, too." I struggled to convey the seriousness of the situation. "Instead of coco puffs." I finished, in case he had missed the point.
"Mortal, you have misread my intent. You will not be there. I will devour your soul. Your reward will be the honour of manifesting my divine presence."
"You said I could have wishes. You have to still be Daisy and go to bed on time and do as you're told." I said, sternly, as the cat tried to rub against the man's legs, and then ran off, hissing. "And, when you go away and I come back, my room has to be tidy and … and … " I was starting to get the hang of this wishing thing … "you can't wear my sunflower socks, only the daisy ones."
"You will not come back. You will be cast into the void."
"But only for … three days. No, a week." I conceded. "You can be a manifest for a week, if you promise not to tell, and if you're good."
"I must tell of my arrival. I will sound my presence in every ear, so they bow to the name Asurogoth."
"DAISY." I scolded him, wondering if he had been paying any attention at all. "Also, you can play with Freddie, but not let him have my things. He breaks them and mommy never tells him off."
The manifest man looked at me, all shimmery and I think a little bit angry like when I won't go to bed at first until Mommy tells me about the breakfast fruit. After a little while, he talked again.
"I can accomplish all I need in seven days. I will return you from the void, if these are your terms. To be Daisy. To go to bed when told, in exchange for … coco puffs. Keep your room tidy and only wear the daisy socks. Do not let Freddie have your things to break."
I nodded along.
I don't remember much about what happened next. Mommy seemed very glad and hugged me and said she was worried I wouldn't get back to 'my old self', and I had to talk to a nice lady. Freddie hides in his room and won't touch my things even if I give them to him. I can have all the coco puffs I want. I looked in the paper and on the television to see if I had been a manifest all over the world, but there was nothing. Mommy keeps telling me to go to bed and rest.
My daisy socks are missing. | "Hi James, my name is Odin. I don't Know if you know who I am, but i used to sit at the top of the world. My eye reaching to every corner of the realms of man. Then, Fenrir came and the age of vikings came to an end. Of the ashes that were left your world was born, I think it was some 13 billion of your years ago. But, I digress! I'm here to ask you a favor. As my people awakens they need bodies, different laws of physics now you know. if you can give me yours it will bring your name great honor" Dreams are weird sometimes, I have always been a lucid dreamer, but this felt different. It felt like this voice, this presence pierced me. Maybe sleep paralysis, never had that so I wouldn't know. Remind myself to check on the web when I wake up. Hell, if this thing took the time to crawl its ass out of my subconscious I can see what the fuck it wants. "show yourself!" five seconds, ten. Nothing. "why would I give you my body?" I woke up, damn always too soon.
I checked the web, definitely not sleep paralysis. As my day went on, i saw letters, on the coffee machine, in my cereal. in the end, I had seen the words "you may choose your price amongst all the things of this world" as I fell asleep I had the sinking feeling the presence would be there once again, I knew what to tell him... The presence came swiftly and with full force, filling my mind"have you chosen?" I chuckled "its not like you gave me a choice... There was an E on my boss' face!" Was he... He was surprised. Wasn't this guy a god? his eye reaching all corners of the realm "Ah! that, I wasn't sure you would get the messages trough the veil separating our reality from yours" I Smiled, confidently, I Knew what to tell him. And I was sure he would find someone else to bother. "I want you to befriend the ice giants" "NO WAY! AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" "Um, there were vikings in a place called Norway about a thousand years ago" Shock, this guy had a lot of emotion for a god. "well fuck you James, I'm out of here".
I woke up from the strangest dream of my life, I reached over my wife's shoulder for my drinking horn. It was cold inside the low dirt hut, I would have to light the fireplace soon. As the memory of cars and spotify faded, James disappeared and Bjørn was born. From afar, a strangely familiar figure stood on a hill, beside him a large creature made of ice and snow. "go in peace James" He said, still getting comfortable in his new body. | |
[WP] A god wants to take over your body in order to appear in the real world but can only do so if you allow it. State your terms. | "My name is Daisy. You have to keep my name. All my things have daisies on them." I stroked the cat that wound its way around my feet. I was talking to a man who had found me here in the yard, and told me in an echo-y voice that it was time to manifest and declare his dominion over the world. He would take over my body and be me instead of me. I thought this was funny, because he was a tall man, only shimmery and I could see through him sometimes.
"And when Mommy tells us to go to bed, you have to go. Or there's fruit for breakfast instead of coco puffs. I like coco puffs."
"No mortal can bend me to their will."
"Except at bedtime." I insisted. "Because of the breakfast fruit. Sometimes it's only apple slices, too." I struggled to convey the seriousness of the situation. "Instead of coco puffs." I finished, in case he had missed the point.
"Mortal, you have misread my intent. You will not be there. I will devour your soul. Your reward will be the honour of manifesting my divine presence."
"You said I could have wishes. You have to still be Daisy and go to bed on time and do as you're told." I said, sternly, as the cat tried to rub against the man's legs, and then ran off, hissing. "And, when you go away and I come back, my room has to be tidy and … and … " I was starting to get the hang of this wishing thing … "you can't wear my sunflower socks, only the daisy ones."
"You will not come back. You will be cast into the void."
"But only for … three days. No, a week." I conceded. "You can be a manifest for a week, if you promise not to tell, and if you're good."
"I must tell of my arrival. I will sound my presence in every ear, so they bow to the name Asurogoth."
"DAISY." I scolded him, wondering if he had been paying any attention at all. "Also, you can play with Freddie, but not let him have my things. He breaks them and mommy never tells him off."
The manifest man looked at me, all shimmery and I think a little bit angry like when I won't go to bed at first until Mommy tells me about the breakfast fruit. After a little while, he talked again.
"I can accomplish all I need in seven days. I will return you from the void, if these are your terms. To be Daisy. To go to bed when told, in exchange for … coco puffs. Keep your room tidy and only wear the daisy socks. Do not let Freddie have your things to break."
I nodded along.
I don't remember much about what happened next. Mommy seemed very glad and hugged me and said she was worried I wouldn't get back to 'my old self', and I had to talk to a nice lady. Freddie hides in his room and won't touch my things even if I give them to him. I can have all the coco puffs I want. I looked in the paper and on the television to see if I had been a manifest all over the world, but there was nothing. Mommy keeps telling me to go to bed and rest.
My daisy socks are missing. | There's no place more absurd to hold a negotiation for a complete stranger to use your body than your own bathroom. There's no stranger more absurd to negotiate for your body than a god itself. This was the absurd situation I've found myself in upon stepping out of my nice shower.
"This. This was bad timing on my part, wasn't it?" said the strange-looking shadow of a figure before me.
It could be worse. I could be in my underwear instead, pink doesn't really give off a professional tone. That would be much worse.
"Yeah, sorry about that. Now, in regards to the contract I've presented a few days ago," said the shadowy figure, "I'm willing to talk this out if you are."
Come on, can't I get my clothes on first?
"Right, I know you can't do the whole... thing,"
It's kinda impossible, yeah.
The shadow moves to the mirror, staring back at me with a body much like my own, except for the peculiar set of eyes. They're a strange shade of yellow, the color of gold if it could rust, giving off a rustic and majestic feel, an odd sight to behold.
"Tell you what, how about I fix that little problem of yours and I get your body. I'll throw you a bone and throw in a healing factor when I leave in a couple of decades."
I shake my head. As much as I'd like to get my issue resolved, the deal's a bit too... one-sided for the "god" as it calls itself.
"You're killing me here, kiddo!" The shadow groans, moving away from the mirror and crawling around on walls. "Fine fine, I'll have to stay for the couple of decades and you get to coexist alongside me. You get input from me and I'll give you some help with whatever the hell it is you do. Sound good?"
Honestly, the deal could be a little better. I think I'll hold out for a bit.
"What do you mean no?! This is literally the best possible deal you can ge- what is this?" It looks over at the folded clothes in my hands as I stare at the figure with a smirk on my lips.
"... Ugh. Fine. It's a deal then."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Get up, miss." A handsome, masculine figure looks down on me as I open my eyes to bright morning light. "His" teeth are bared and the yellow eyes harbor a violent look of rage, contrasting with his warm voice and polite tone.
"Good morning!" I say in delight, a bit excited of the events of last night. "And what do we have in mind today, Mammon?"
"There's converting the masses, blasting the heretics, and you have school in thirty minutes. Breakfast is on the table and I packed your lunch, m'am." The god says to me.
"Come inside anytime you want, just don't take me from behind, we have a long day today." I smile crooking a finger at him absentmindedly as I look out the window.
"Innuendos are unbecoming of you, miss." My butler snaps before reverting back to his calm self.
I sing a small tune to myself to celebrate the one month anniversary of when I made a deal with a god for two valuable prizes. A loving man-slave to serve me hand and foot...
"Miss, make haste, we have twenty-five minutes!" A voice in my head beckons.
"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!" I think back to it.
...And a voice to call my own.
| |
[WP] Everybody you know is addicted to a new tv show, however when you watch it all you see is black on the screen. | "I can't say too much without spoiling it for you, it's just amazing. The writing is raw, it almost feels unscripted, I binge watch it when I can."
'What's it about though? Is it sci fi? Drama? What makes it so good?'
"Well it's drama for sure, but not like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad level; it's more mundane, but just as brilliant as those shows."
'Jeez, I better watch it then, sounds good.'
"It's so beautiful, it's like, ahh I don't want to give anything away though; look, all I'll say is that it made me cry like a baby, and almost nothing was happening on the screen. It's a magnificent cautionary tale and I just can't say any more than that."
'Ok, ok I'll watch it tonight; what time does it air?'
"6pm, DO NOT MISS IT"
*The next day*
'I missed it! My cable must have been out. How was it?'
"It was horrible, the main guy was just staring at his TV and checking his phone for the whole episode! | I've heard of this new tv show everyone is watching and decide to attend a viewing party my friend is hosting, as soon as I get to his house I grab a beer, socialize for a bit with the few people I know and wait for the show to start. Roughly 45 minutes go by and everyone starts to gather around on my friends couch to watch, 5 minutes go by and all I see is black on the screen, I sit patiently and start to casually look around to see if anyone else seems as impatient for the show to start as me, nobody does. I look at the screen again...Then I look back at everyone who all look very intrigued, I start to try and speak to ask why nothing is playing and I get simultaneously in about 12 demonic voices to "shut the fuck up". I stop talking, I sit as still as I can trying to be as quiet as possible, I'm sitting on the end of the couch because I wanted an arm rest so I try and excuse myself to the restroom but someone behind me who I've never met before grabs my shoulder and pushes me back down into my seat with unrealistic strength, this doesn't phase anyone, and I can now feel in exact detail where this guy put his hands on my shoulders, at this point I'm terrified I don't know what to do so I start to think, why am I the only one who is seeing a black screen? Commercial break comes and everyone is back to normal like nothing happened everyone leaves the couch to grab snacks and refreshments I can see the screen again and a Dairy Queen commercial comes on, I go to talk to my friend who is hosting the party I tell him I only see black on the screen he looks at me like I'm crazy and he tells me that he doesn't know what I'm talking about, he tells me about the show he was watching, I tell someone else I know at the party who I knew from back in high school he gives me the same response except he tells me about a completely different tv show, I talk to a third person who again doesn't believe what I'm saying and again tells me about a completely different show, I start to think I'm going crazy but I can't be, can I? No no no everyone is talking about a different tv show something isn't right.....I wake up. XP | |
[WP] Write the best prolouge you can. Make me drool for more! | The queen held her two children close and began to cry. The last of a royal line of ancestral magic was held in their innocent blood. Through her tears she could see the door at the end of the hall open to the courtyard. Her husband, both a king and warrior, drove an axe into the skull of a grounded dragon. Their guards were fighting against terrible and impossible odds. When one beast fell, ten more took its place.
The king turned to her and issued his final command, the last royal edict before the fall of their land.
"Run, and never let them know of the children." | Yay! I finally get to use this! please excuse my spelling/grammar:
I sat in the front row of the balcony, watching this god awful play. It's goes something like this, "Man finds his future killer and tries to evade the killer." It's pretty boring with the actors not doing much and just sitting there talking, not moving. 8:25, god when does this end? My eyes start to wander around the stage till I find a person walking onto the stage dressed in a brown trench coat and a cap. He looks around quickly, looking like he's trying not to be caught. Is this the main character, because if so the actor suddenly got good from last time we saw him. The actors turn and watch this man, they speak to each other franticly as he comes closer. One of the two actors start getting off stage with the most frightened look on his face, he's not an actor. I whisper to my older brother next to me, "Get ready to run." He nods and we both lean in. The Man walking on the stage looks up but his face isn't able to be seen for me. Then a large BANG reaches out from the shadows. The Man on stage is hit with what I presume is a bullet. Then two shadowy men emerge and keep firing on The Man. The curtains start to close as he falls but before it closes completely I see his face...It's mine. | |
[WP] Write the best prolouge you can. Make me drool for more! | She cried. She cried and that just made me want it more. But then almost too soon, she started laughing. The witch was born. | Yay! I finally get to use this! please excuse my spelling/grammar:
I sat in the front row of the balcony, watching this god awful play. It's goes something like this, "Man finds his future killer and tries to evade the killer." It's pretty boring with the actors not doing much and just sitting there talking, not moving. 8:25, god when does this end? My eyes start to wander around the stage till I find a person walking onto the stage dressed in a brown trench coat and a cap. He looks around quickly, looking like he's trying not to be caught. Is this the main character, because if so the actor suddenly got good from last time we saw him. The actors turn and watch this man, they speak to each other franticly as he comes closer. One of the two actors start getting off stage with the most frightened look on his face, he's not an actor. I whisper to my older brother next to me, "Get ready to run." He nods and we both lean in. The Man walking on the stage looks up but his face isn't able to be seen for me. Then a large BANG reaches out from the shadows. The Man on stage is hit with what I presume is a bullet. Then two shadowy men emerge and keep firing on The Man. The curtains start to close as he falls but before it closes completely I see his face...It's mine. | |
[WP] Write the best prolouge you can. Make me drool for more! | The queen held her two children close and began to cry. The last of a royal line of ancestral magic was held in their innocent blood. Through her tears she could see the door at the end of the hall open to the courtyard. Her husband, both a king and warrior, drove an axe into the skull of a grounded dragon. Their guards were fighting against terrible and impossible odds. When one beast fell, ten more took its place.
The king turned to her and issued his final command, the last royal edict before the fall of their land.
"Run, and never let them know of the children." | I knew that screaming would not help me in any way. I knew that screaming would not save anyone's lives. I knew that screaming would not bring back those who have been lost. I knew that screaming would not prevent my inevitable death. Going against my own logic I still screamed. I screamed louder than I ever had before as death got closer to me every second. | |
[WP] Write the best prolouge you can. Make me drool for more! | She cried. She cried and that just made me want it more. But then almost too soon, she started laughing. The witch was born. | I knew that screaming would not help me in any way. I knew that screaming would not save anyone's lives. I knew that screaming would not bring back those who have been lost. I knew that screaming would not prevent my inevitable death. Going against my own logic I still screamed. I screamed louder than I ever had before as death got closer to me every second. | |
[WP] A sleazy marketing executive dies. When he reaches Heaven, God orders him to live in a purgatory based on the advertisements he created. | Francis walked in to the ante-room to purgatory. *Purgatory is the ante-room to heaven or hell* he chuckled to himself. *There should be a place where I could put these random nuggets of wisdom, thoughts you have in the shower or something*. There were around 20 people in the room. They all looked worried about what's to come. *We probably got the same punishment,* he thought as he looked around. What worried Francis was not the fact that he was in the waiting list to get to heaven. What worried him was the fact that he was not worried as worried as all the others seem to be. *I recruited salespeople for a living. How hard could the punishment be? Anyway, I was helping them become their own person, why would that be punished?* He fidgeted as he thought back on all the things he did. He couldn't so he just imagined the worst possible scenario. His thoughts were interrupted by a group of people that just walked in. Francis' eyes bulged. *What the fuck!* He recognized one of them.
Cara walked in with 4 other people. She scanned the room and noted that 6 people recognize her. *I'm almost there*, she thought as she admired her loot. She had 6 souls this week. *That's 6 more souls helping me out!* Cara used to be so conflicted about the whole scheme but her mentor told her she was doing humanity a favor. Her mentor loves doing this work so much. He has more than 1.5 Million points but he still stays here. She has been in purgatory for a little over 200 weeks. So far, she has 366,988 points.
*I know this woman!* Francis' mind raced. He tried his hardest to remember. *Where? Where?* He suddenly realized that he could not remember much. *What is happening? Where are all my memories?* He was panicking.
Recruitment of new souls happened while they were still alive. Exponential Strategists like Cara are given a list of names. These are the members of multilevel marketing firms. Why are they not in heaven? Because they've seen the evil that they bring but refuse to stop. Why are they not in hell? Because they were innocent when they were sucked in. See, what she does is she stalks these marketers about a month before their scheduled death. She would lurk, sometimes go as far as having conversations with them. All this is to ensure that they would recognize her while they were in the ante-room. Everyone picks the team of the person they recognize.
Cara stood before them watching her favorite part. They recognized her. And they would all try to remember where but will soon realize that they wouldn't be able to remember anything. It's like that first few moments after you wake up from a very vivid dream. It's there. You know it's there. But as soon as you try to think about it or tell it to someone, it slips away. Cara lives for these moments. Well, not really live but you know... She loves how this brief moment reminds her of sleeping and dreaming. She has neither dreamt nor slept in years.
Francis, along with 5 other people, walked towards Cara. He couldn't focus on anything as he was furiously trying to remember. *Let's see. Before she walked in, I was seated here* He was backtracking. *I was thinking about my punishment--* "Hello everyone and welcome!" Cara interrupts everyone's thoughts. This was the moment she hated the most. The moment you really wake up, stop worrying about the forgotten dream, and go about your day. She hates that her voice is the first memory they will have of purgatory. "You are all here because you have decided to take control of your fate in the afterlife. Thousands of people die each day but you," she looks at each and every one of them in the eye "are empowered and independent." Their eyes are focusing on her now, thoughts of life drift slowly away. "To get to heaven, everyone must have 1,000,000 points under their belts. Each soul you recruit counts as 10 points. The souls they recruit would count as 10 points for them and 1 point for you." Cara delivered her memorized spiel on thinking of recruits as investments that give returns while they rest. They listen intently while her mind drifts away to her favorite memory: her mentor booming "Hello everyone and welcome!" | Tom Markey, marketing executive at Johnnie Walker held his head in his hands. The last thing he could remember was the shifting rays of light scattered by the churning surface of the water as he slowly sank into the darkness…but now he was here. Dressed in a $3,000 suit, and as dry as the drink in his glass, he pondered how he got into this bar. His train of thought was cut short, however, by the hand of a handsome man being slammed onto the counter, its brother busy on the lower back of the beautiful woman draped around him. “Two shots of Johnnie Walker”, the man proclaimed. The girl giggled and groped his chest. Tom rolled his eyes. These two were as full as shit as the drink they just ordered. Giving up on his hopeless quest to figure out how he got here, Tom threw back his shot and looked around. The first thing that struck him was the amount of incredibly attractive people around him, the second was how happy everyone seemed, and the third was a feeling he couldn’t shake, a feeling that he’d seen this all before. Dismissing this last observation as mere superstition, he ordered another gin and tonic. It had been a week and a half since he had gotten laid, and almost 24 hours since he had been drunk, both new records for the year, so grabbing his drink he began to walk around. The first woman he approached was a gorgeous blonde with a personality that her bra could hardly contain. But as soon as he got close she walked over towards the handsome man he had seen before. “Lucky bastard” Tom muttered. He rarely got jealous of other men, but when everyone in the bar is drawn to one person like moths to a flame, and you feel as worthless as a Kenyan dollar, it’s hard not to. It was the theme for the rest of the night. Failed approaches, cold shoulders, and all the while Mr. Johnnie Fucking Walker held his audience captive, working some mysterious magic over the crowd that made them smile, laugh, and fall into his arms. Fifteen drinks later, Tom had his head in the toilet, his confidence crushed into the cold marble, and the contents of his stomach covering it all. Drunk out of his mind and overwhelmed by the situation he found himself in, he sat there and cried. His sobs filled the bathroom, but fell on deaf ears. If he took the time to listen though, he would have heard a deep and gravelly voice over the sound of the music and laughing. “Johnnie Walker: just keep walking, you’re sure to find a good time” | |
[WP] A sleazy marketing executive dies. When he reaches Heaven, God orders him to live in a purgatory based on the advertisements he created. | Bob woke up like any other day, and went to the kitchen to fry up some eggs for breakfast. He put on a pot of coffee, and went to grab the frying pan. As soon as he grasped the handle, it practically leapt out of his hands!
"Well, since it was on the floor I should wash it.." Bob thought, as he carried the pan to his sink. He grabbed the unusually damp and smelly sponge, rinsed it, and put soap on it.
As soon as he started wiping the pan, he couldn't keep his grip on either object. The sponge flew into the trashcan, and the frying pan shattered a window, flying out of sight and landing with a crash.
Bob was thoroughly disturbed by this point, and his experience trying to pour his coffee further damaged his mental state. Completely exasperated, he found a bag of cheese balls and some soda, and he placed them on the table.
"There's no way I can mess this up!" Bob yelled, oh how wrong he was.
The bowl tipped off the edge of the table, spilling the powder covered orange snacks everywhere. When Bob touched the glass of soda, it too flew off the table. But it vanished, as if it passed through a dimensional rift.
"Where did the soda go? Where did the soda GO?! WHERE DID THE SODA GO?!" Bob yelled, over and over. | Tom Markey, marketing executive at Johnnie Walker held his head in his hands. The last thing he could remember was the shifting rays of light scattered by the churning surface of the water as he slowly sank into the darkness…but now he was here. Dressed in a $3,000 suit, and as dry as the drink in his glass, he pondered how he got into this bar. His train of thought was cut short, however, by the hand of a handsome man being slammed onto the counter, its brother busy on the lower back of the beautiful woman draped around him. “Two shots of Johnnie Walker”, the man proclaimed. The girl giggled and groped his chest. Tom rolled his eyes. These two were as full as shit as the drink they just ordered. Giving up on his hopeless quest to figure out how he got here, Tom threw back his shot and looked around. The first thing that struck him was the amount of incredibly attractive people around him, the second was how happy everyone seemed, and the third was a feeling he couldn’t shake, a feeling that he’d seen this all before. Dismissing this last observation as mere superstition, he ordered another gin and tonic. It had been a week and a half since he had gotten laid, and almost 24 hours since he had been drunk, both new records for the year, so grabbing his drink he began to walk around. The first woman he approached was a gorgeous blonde with a personality that her bra could hardly contain. But as soon as he got close she walked over towards the handsome man he had seen before. “Lucky bastard” Tom muttered. He rarely got jealous of other men, but when everyone in the bar is drawn to one person like moths to a flame, and you feel as worthless as a Kenyan dollar, it’s hard not to. It was the theme for the rest of the night. Failed approaches, cold shoulders, and all the while Mr. Johnnie Fucking Walker held his audience captive, working some mysterious magic over the crowd that made them smile, laugh, and fall into his arms. Fifteen drinks later, Tom had his head in the toilet, his confidence crushed into the cold marble, and the contents of his stomach covering it all. Drunk out of his mind and overwhelmed by the situation he found himself in, he sat there and cried. His sobs filled the bathroom, but fell on deaf ears. If he took the time to listen though, he would have heard a deep and gravelly voice over the sound of the music and laughing. “Johnnie Walker: just keep walking, you’re sure to find a good time” | |
[WP] A sleazy marketing executive dies. When he reaches Heaven, God orders him to live in a purgatory based on the advertisements he created. | I try to escape, and I never get far. There are people here, or at least they look like people, but they’re really demonic entities, soul-consuming vampires, wraiths. They’re the prison guards and I’m the only prisoner. They look like your average American, utterly non-threatening, the kind that pat you on the back and say “howdy” instead of hello. Big pleasant smiles and rows of perfectly straight, brilliantly white teeth. I created them and their world, and now I live in it.
Jim is always looking for his car, but thank God he has “my lil reminder.” It reminds him to pay his taxes, keeps the grocery list fresh in his mind, helps him recall where he parked his car. And then there’s Sandy, who uses the “Portable Putter!” to keep her golf game sharp while in the office or on the toilet. And thank the lord that Bob found the “Snuggle Companion Blanket.” It keeps him warm when he attends Alex’s high school basketball games.
I live in their world now. I’m constantly banging my head, slipping on a banana peel, shaking my fist in frustration. That is, until my own creations come and bail me out. They make me put on a fake smile, pretend my life is now complete, thanks to my payment of fifty easy payments of nineteen ninety-five. If this were real life, I would have blown my brains out a long time ago. If I refuse to partake in the commericials, in this hellish world, Jim and Sandy and Bob have no problem. They just stand there and smile until I read the script and we nail the take. God said ten thousand products. That’s how many times I have to relive this, how many shit products I have to advertise. I’m about four hundred in at this point I can’t image hell being all that much worse.
When I try to run I always end up in the same place. It’s all one infinite suburbia except the houses are all empty and the weather is always perfect. Jim and Bob and Sandy always find me. They don’t have to do anything. They don’t drag me back. They just follow me, smiling, saying nothing, a silent reminder that there is only an infinitely of this endless, picturesque suburbia. Nothing more. No escape. All I’m doing is prolonging my stay.
I break down crying, begging for forgiveness. I know I did wrong by summoning these figments into people’s lives. I told them their lives would be complete if they accepted the prophesy of these demons, the gospels of Jim, Sandy, and Bob. No matter how long I cry for, I look up to see their big, stupid, facile faces staring back down at me. The smile and remind me that I created them.
They wait for me to stand up, and I say yet again, “This barbeque is getting a little too boring, why don’t we spice it up, with our brand new line of Mr. Wiggles Party Time Accessories!”
| Tom Markey, marketing executive at Johnnie Walker held his head in his hands. The last thing he could remember was the shifting rays of light scattered by the churning surface of the water as he slowly sank into the darkness…but now he was here. Dressed in a $3,000 suit, and as dry as the drink in his glass, he pondered how he got into this bar. His train of thought was cut short, however, by the hand of a handsome man being slammed onto the counter, its brother busy on the lower back of the beautiful woman draped around him. “Two shots of Johnnie Walker”, the man proclaimed. The girl giggled and groped his chest. Tom rolled his eyes. These two were as full as shit as the drink they just ordered. Giving up on his hopeless quest to figure out how he got here, Tom threw back his shot and looked around. The first thing that struck him was the amount of incredibly attractive people around him, the second was how happy everyone seemed, and the third was a feeling he couldn’t shake, a feeling that he’d seen this all before. Dismissing this last observation as mere superstition, he ordered another gin and tonic. It had been a week and a half since he had gotten laid, and almost 24 hours since he had been drunk, both new records for the year, so grabbing his drink he began to walk around. The first woman he approached was a gorgeous blonde with a personality that her bra could hardly contain. But as soon as he got close she walked over towards the handsome man he had seen before. “Lucky bastard” Tom muttered. He rarely got jealous of other men, but when everyone in the bar is drawn to one person like moths to a flame, and you feel as worthless as a Kenyan dollar, it’s hard not to. It was the theme for the rest of the night. Failed approaches, cold shoulders, and all the while Mr. Johnnie Fucking Walker held his audience captive, working some mysterious magic over the crowd that made them smile, laugh, and fall into his arms. Fifteen drinks later, Tom had his head in the toilet, his confidence crushed into the cold marble, and the contents of his stomach covering it all. Drunk out of his mind and overwhelmed by the situation he found himself in, he sat there and cried. His sobs filled the bathroom, but fell on deaf ears. If he took the time to listen though, he would have heard a deep and gravelly voice over the sound of the music and laughing. “Johnnie Walker: just keep walking, you’re sure to find a good time” | |
Taken from the idea of [this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2oolg7/if_there_were_a_milder_version_of_hell_called/) | [WP] Describe a day in the life of "Heck": the more mild version of Hell. | In all the years I sat in church
In pews that made my back a wreck
Never once spoke our priest from his perch
Of this hereafter known as "Heck"
Half my life I've feared the hellfire
Certain that my fate was sealed
Doomed to squirm in Satan's mire
With no life left that I could yield
So you can imagine my surprise
Upon arriving down below
When I don't hear tortuous cries
But old ladies cackling at BINGO
They chatter at me from all sides
Demanding tales of mortal coil
Gradually my fear subsides
As my temper starts to boil
But just as I'm about to yell
A loud gong sends the group off at a trot
Cursing their omission from hell
Where maybe Satan plays "blackout"
It seems I'm just in time for lunch
Out of the cafeteria wafts a heavenly scent
Suddenly people are lining up by the bunch
Two hours later I'm halfway through my ascent
I'm ravenous when at last I reach the front
But, despite my desperate waving at the prime rib
The hard-of-hearing worker only grunts
And hands me soggy grape nuts and a can of Mr. Pib
I stumble to an open seat
And sigh as I see two giant TV screens
I'm about to kick up my feet
When an all-too familiar voice intervenes
"Jon!!! Save that seat, please!!!"
Screeches Hal, who's sweating despite the lack of sun
He's a coworker from whom I generally flee
But, in Heck, there's simply nowhere to run
I settle in for a long debrief
It will be hours, days until Hal's done
A glance at the TV compounds my grief
The Summer Olympics. And a Real Housewives re-run.
*I'm not sure if it's appropriate to post the same response to two different prompts, but since yours was similar to the post I initially responded to (the one you linked), I thought I would.* | She glanced up at me from her soduku. She looked as though she had just got the red circle of death from an Xbox, or perhaps even had stepped on the business end of half a pistachio shell. "Get in that line, sir."
"Thank you, miss, yes. You see I have been in that line for over six hours now and it hasn't but hardly moved."
She exhaled reluctantly. She yanked her glassed from the bridge of her nose, allowing them to hang from the drugstore bought chain that now covered the number Seventy Four embossed on her shirt. "You must wait in that line, sir. When you get the end of the line you will be assigned a number."
"Well that's just the thing of it, miss. I stood in a line yesterday, for fourteen hours, and finally I was given a number."
She placed her sodoku book on her desk like she might a iPhone with apple maps that had just led her down an alleyway that did not, in fact, connect back to the highway. "And did that number say 74 on it?"
"Yes, miss, it sure did. And I did my best to get here as early as I could. But I was stuck in terrible traffic this morning - they had blocked three lanes on the freeway due to an accident. So it took two hours to get the three miles to get here. And I've been in this line all day."
Her eyes flitted up, over my head. Her brow crumpled as it might for a 1980s teen trying unsuccessfully to get an old Nintendo game to work by jamming in another on top of it. "You will be assigned your next number once you've waited in line until your turn."
"Miss, if I may, it shouldn't take more than a moment or two to tell everyone their number, but it seems to me that'd the line is advancing about one or two persons per hour."
She lifted her glasses off the Seventy Four and slide them on. She picked up her sodoku book, not unlike a father picking up the controller and deciding to try, one more time, to beat his son at a LAN game of COD versus her three sons. "Please get back in line and you'll get your number when it's your turn." Her face lit up as she scribbled "4" into the corner square. "We are very busy today." |
[WP] You are placed under house arrest. After weeks of boredom and solitude, there's a home break in. | Oh God I'm so BORED. I go to bed bored, wake up bored..Rinse and repeat, rinse and freaking REPEAT.
Until some moron breaks in. Can you believe it? dude...there are lights on! why the hell do you intrude upon a home that's occupied?
The sheer stupidity of it has me frozen, face to face with a man in a mask.
I frown "Are you serious?"
Mask man exudes confusion "Uh pretty serious, yes"
I do a wee jazz hands and open my arms wide "Then it's your lucky day my friend! Take what you like"
Mr Mask seems unsure, the crowbar in his hand raises a fraction but falls back down in defeat "Oh-ok then. I'm...y'know...used to a little more resistance than this"
I snort in bemusement "What? you want to scrap? Look man, i've been stuck in this hell hole for three months, you're doing me a favour and rescuing a man from another mundane day. Do YOURSELF a favour and got steal my asshole stepdads TV, I'll help you carry it to the door. After that" I wave my collared ankle at him "You're on your own...K GO!"
Mr Mask has a field day.
And afterwards... so do I. Don't know how I'm going to get all this blood out of the carpet before my folks get home though... | I flinched as the sound of breaking glass assaulted my ears. I poked my head around the hallway corner - I was almost glad, I'd been bored out of my mind. Would I finally see some action?
I blinked. There was nobody there. Turns out, the break in was next door. I informed the police, sighed, then sat back down to finish my book. | |
[WP] You are placed under house arrest. After weeks of boredom and solitude, there's a home break in. | Oh God I'm so BORED. I go to bed bored, wake up bored..Rinse and repeat, rinse and freaking REPEAT.
Until some moron breaks in. Can you believe it? dude...there are lights on! why the hell do you intrude upon a home that's occupied?
The sheer stupidity of it has me frozen, face to face with a man in a mask.
I frown "Are you serious?"
Mask man exudes confusion "Uh pretty serious, yes"
I do a wee jazz hands and open my arms wide "Then it's your lucky day my friend! Take what you like"
Mr Mask seems unsure, the crowbar in his hand raises a fraction but falls back down in defeat "Oh-ok then. I'm...y'know...used to a little more resistance than this"
I snort in bemusement "What? you want to scrap? Look man, i've been stuck in this hell hole for three months, you're doing me a favour and rescuing a man from another mundane day. Do YOURSELF a favour and got steal my asshole stepdads TV, I'll help you carry it to the door. After that" I wave my collared ankle at him "You're on your own...K GO!"
Mr Mask has a field day.
And afterwards... so do I. Don't know how I'm going to get all this blood out of the carpet before my folks get home though... | The burglar downstairs knocks over a chair. Idiot. I wonder if he has the slightest clue who's house he just broke into. I imagine he simply took one look at the house and decided it looked fancy enough. Sloppy. Very sloppy. He obviously didn't even do a check for inhabitants. Just took one look at the unlit windows and decided it was uninhabited. Thieves just aren't what they used to be. I pad silently down the stairs and step into the kitchen. He doesn't notice as I stalk behind him. His eyes are nowhere near as sharp as my own. I scan his body for weapons. None. He's bigger than he, but I reckon that can take him. I take my chance and lunge for him. He screams as I lay into him. I do believe my employer will be most satisfied to find I've kept him and his possessions safe once again dispatched an invader. Maybe he'll finally let me out of the house again after the last incident. I lay contentedly down on the living room couch and lick my paws. The invader is still screaming something. I think its trying to communicate. It sounds sort of like ," Ged rid off yur crazi catt bro!"
I can't make sense of it. It probably doesn't really matter. I think absently of when I'll be able to get my paws on some tuna. | |
[WP] Write about a cowards journey from cowardice to heroic courage | I'm always afraid.
When I was five, our house burned down. My mother's boyfriend had a bad crack habit and left his pipe on the sheets. I woke to smoke and the sharp feel of my dog's teeth.
I ran from the house, watching it burn. My mother and sister died that night. The boyfriend made it out.
My foster parents called me Mouse. I would curl myself into any dark corner and keep the door in my sight-line. At night I made them keep the windows open.
Escape routes, I had them.
I dreamed of fire like a great dragon swallowing me whole. I ran from cigarette lighters and Bunsen burners and hot ovens.
I was twenty three and working in an office when I met this girl. Valerie. Good name, Valerie. Like an old torch song. She liked none of the things I liked but I loved her. And she loved me.
We married. Had a kid. I named her after my mother. She was all big teeth and fierce temper.
One night I woke to the smell of smoke. I ran.
Shivering outside, I saw no fire. No smoke. Valerie had burned some toast.
She didn't say anything when I came back in though I knew she must have wondered. I tossed and turned that night, cursing my fear. Cursing myself. Until I had a single desire. A single goal. Then I feel into a deep sleep.
In the morning I started working on an application to be a fireman. I trained. I studied. And I passed.
Now when I smell smoke, I go to work. I don't run.
I'm always afraid. That never leaves me. But I do it anyway. | "Who did this Jeremy?" asked the teacher. I knew that I was the one who had drawn on the wall with the sharpie. I was about to get in trouble. I looked to my left and saw Kevin, a smaller kid who never stood up for himself. That was when I thought, "I can get away with this." I looked at the teacher, took a deep breath, then said, "It was Kevin, I saw him do it." The teacher walked over to Kevin and started to yell at him. In retrospect she was a pretty shitty teacher. Anyways, that was the first time I avoided responsibility. At first, it felt shitty, but I got used to it. Before long I was a pro.
I am twenty two years old, and today, for the first time since I was in kindergarten I took responsibility for my actions. When I was in the sixth grade I lied and said my best friend made up the rumor about Jenny giving head to a seventh grader. I lost a friend that day, but I was okay with it. I got out of trouble. In eighth grade I refused to admit that I had copied the homework from a Wikipedia article. In the end, they couldn't prove it, so I got away with it. I'm rambling.
Today I woke up and lit a cigarette while still laying on my bed. I didn't even bother inhaling it, I just let it sit in my mouth. I looked up at the ceiling and frowned. Eventually I finished my smoke, and got out of bed. "Thank god it's Sunday, I thought. "One more missed day of work and I'm canned." I went to the diner downstairs and ordered my usual, an egg and cheese on a poppyseed bagel, bacon on the side, and a cup of black coffee. I ate in silence.
When I finished, I hopped on my bike and headed towards Jenny's house. Yes it's the same one. I ended up knocking her up when I was seventeen. My kid, his name is Robert, is a cute little devil. The settlement let me spend Sundays with him. To be honest, I didn't even deserve that.
When I picked him up I asked him how school went. He said, "I got in trouble." I was surprised. He was generally well behaved in school. "Yeah?" I asked. "What did you do?" He looked at the ground. "I touched a girls butt. I said I'm sorry though!" At that moment, I looked at him and realized that he was better than me. It made me sad. It was my turn to look at the ground. Then, I looked up, into his eyes, and said, "Robert. I'm going to be better from now on. I promise." | |
[WP] Write about a cowards journey from cowardice to heroic courage | Fuck. His cell was ringing again. He could hear it even in the other room.
John rocked back and forth in his favorite chair. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. He'd lost count of the number of times they had tried to call his cell. Fuck.
A fresh set of tears slid down his face. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. He was a bloody, motherfucking COWARD. He pounded the chair's armrests in frustration.
He'd agreed to do it. He'd promised to do it. It would save her life. The little girl...B---no, don't think her name. Can't think her name. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why had he agreed to this? It seemed so noble before. Saving a little girl's life! Yeah! Who wouldn't want to do that? But the sacrifice.....oh, God the sacrifice.
He hadn't been thinking of the cost when he'd agreed. Even when the doctor went into excruciating detail on what would be done to him, what the aftermath would be life. Those were far-away details. Something he could deal with in the future.
Now that future was here. Be----the little girl--- had been prepped for surgery. Something that took an excruciatingly long time for her frail, battered body. If John didn't show up at the hospital in the next few hours, she would die.
But John couldn't do it. He couldn't give his life for hers. The consequences were too real. He was healthy, he could live for another 60 years! Why should he shorten his own lifespan so drastically to save hers?
Why in God's name had he agreed to this? He was a coward. FUCK. He was a huge, miserable coward.
John jolted upright in his chair. Oh God. Oh God. They were going to send someone to his apartment. They hadn't been able to reach him all day. Someone was probably on his way now. Oh God. He couldn't face them. What if they sent one of the family members? One of the people John had promised to help? He couldn't tell them of his cowardice.
John began moving frantically around the room. Keys, wallet, and phone were shoved unceremoniously into his pocket. He shoved his shoes on his feat without bothering to put on socks. He had to get out of here. He had to get out of here NOW.
He torn the door open to his apartment and looked frantically up and down the hall, his heart racing. He half-expected to see a dark-suit from the hospital striding purposefully towards him. They were blissfully empty.
John took the stairs two at a time and his whirlwind through the lobby looked like the run of an escaped prisoner. That's exactly how John felt when he reach the busy city streets. Like a prisoner freed after years of being confined.
Too amped up to be confined in a cab or bus, John began walking. He picked a direction at random and let his feet guide him.
John's thoughts were blissfully free as he walked, and his spirits rose. He felt lighter now, freed somehow. No one could reach him out here. He didn't have to explain his cowardice to anyone. He was just another guy on the streets. For several city blocks his new euphoria lasted. Then several more. His heart rate slowed.
But the illusion was shattered when his phone rang in his pocket. FUCK. Why had he brought the bloody thing!? Why hadn't he left it behind!? FUCK FUCK FUCK.
John fumbled for it in his pocket and quickly mashed the 'Send to Voicemail' button....but it was too late. His calm had been shattered. His heart beat sped up again. His agitation returned. FUCK!
No. Fuck this. He was NOT going to think about her. He was free. No one could find him. He was out. Food. He needed food. Food was always a good at distracting him.
John looked around, desperately searching for a place to eat. Someplace where everything was friend. Then covered in fat. Then fried again. Ah! A burger truck. Perfect. John jogged towards it. Mmmm...a big, juicy double patty burger with extra bacon, onio----
John stopped short. No. Nononononononononono. The guy talking orders at the burger truck was a older man, disheveled and covered in grease. He had reached down to pick up a little girl, his daughter, John assumed. She had the same blond hair, the same blue eyes as....
NO! Fuck this. John turn and ran from the truck. As fast as his legs would carry him. He ran for miles. He ran until his sides hurt and his lungs would no longer support him. He collapsed on the sidewalk, staring sightless up at the sky, gulping in huge breaths trying to get air to his oxygen-starved muscles.
A face appeared above him, looking concerned. "Hey buddy, are you all right? I saw you fall."
John couldn't stop gasping to answer, but he nodded to the stranger. The concerned look didn't leave the man's face, but he extended his hand. John took it, and let the man draw him to his feet.
The stranger led him to a nearby bench, which John sank blissfully into. It was a few minutes before John caught his breath enough to thank the man. "...t...thanks..." he rasped out. In addition to his wild run, John hadn't spoken to anyone for days.
Of course the man didn't know this. He though John's voice was raspy from his recent excursion. "You still look rough my friend. Let me buy you a water and some food." John made a motion to wave him off, but the man bulled ahead. "I insist. You look like you need it."
John didn't have the energy to argue. He sighed, but stood up and followed the man as he led him to a nearby noodle cart.
John nearly froze again when he saw a little girl at the cart. But this girl looked nothing like the sick one. She was Asian, with dark hair and dark eyes.
The good Samaritan ordered two bowels of Ramen noodles from the man running the cart. He spoke in a language John didn't recognize and the little girl began spooning out the noodles and toppings from various metal containers. The Asian man smiled and turned towards his two customers. "Would you mind speaking English to my daughter? We are new to America, and she is still learning her English. It would do her good to practice it."
The man next to John smiled back. "Of course." he replied, and knelt in front of the little girl. "Hi there. My name is Keith. What's your name?"
The little girl smiled shyly at the stranger and replied in a very soft voice. "Thaoli."
"Thaoli." Keith echoed back. "That's a very pretty name. Thank you for preparing our noodles Thaoli. We're quite hungry."
Thaoli smiled but didn't reply back, but thrust the two bowls of noodles towards Keith. He took them and set them down. "Can I pay you instead of your father Thaoli?" The little girl nodded again. Keith handed her a bill, and she counted out his change from coins her father handed down to her. "Thank you Thaoli." Keith said, and stood up, handing me a bowl of noodles. The Asian father reached down and grabbed young Thaoli, giving her a wet kiss and tostling her hair, bringing another youthful grin to her face.
That grin broke John. This girl was nothing like the one he had promised, yet she was. She laughed, she learned, and she had the potential to be anything. She was a young life that deserved her chance in this world. So did the sick girl So did Beth.
John had been cowardly, but his greatest sin was to be selfish. His life was not worth more than a child's. He had his chance in life and had made his mistakes. He was being offered a chance to save a young life like little Thaoli who was a blank canvas, with so many possibilities before her. How could he refuse that?
John reached into his pocket for his cell and dialed the number to Beth's father. He answered on the first ring. "This is John. I am on my way to the hospital now. Tell Beth not to worry."
| "Who did this Jeremy?" asked the teacher. I knew that I was the one who had drawn on the wall with the sharpie. I was about to get in trouble. I looked to my left and saw Kevin, a smaller kid who never stood up for himself. That was when I thought, "I can get away with this." I looked at the teacher, took a deep breath, then said, "It was Kevin, I saw him do it." The teacher walked over to Kevin and started to yell at him. In retrospect she was a pretty shitty teacher. Anyways, that was the first time I avoided responsibility. At first, it felt shitty, but I got used to it. Before long I was a pro.
I am twenty two years old, and today, for the first time since I was in kindergarten I took responsibility for my actions. When I was in the sixth grade I lied and said my best friend made up the rumor about Jenny giving head to a seventh grader. I lost a friend that day, but I was okay with it. I got out of trouble. In eighth grade I refused to admit that I had copied the homework from a Wikipedia article. In the end, they couldn't prove it, so I got away with it. I'm rambling.
Today I woke up and lit a cigarette while still laying on my bed. I didn't even bother inhaling it, I just let it sit in my mouth. I looked up at the ceiling and frowned. Eventually I finished my smoke, and got out of bed. "Thank god it's Sunday, I thought. "One more missed day of work and I'm canned." I went to the diner downstairs and ordered my usual, an egg and cheese on a poppyseed bagel, bacon on the side, and a cup of black coffee. I ate in silence.
When I finished, I hopped on my bike and headed towards Jenny's house. Yes it's the same one. I ended up knocking her up when I was seventeen. My kid, his name is Robert, is a cute little devil. The settlement let me spend Sundays with him. To be honest, I didn't even deserve that.
When I picked him up I asked him how school went. He said, "I got in trouble." I was surprised. He was generally well behaved in school. "Yeah?" I asked. "What did you do?" He looked at the ground. "I touched a girls butt. I said I'm sorry though!" At that moment, I looked at him and realized that he was better than me. It made me sad. It was my turn to look at the ground. Then, I looked up, into his eyes, and said, "Robert. I'm going to be better from now on. I promise." | |
[WP] Write about a cowards journey from cowardice to heroic courage | I'm always afraid.
When I was five, our house burned down. My mother's boyfriend had a bad crack habit and left his pipe on the sheets. I woke to smoke and the sharp feel of my dog's teeth.
I ran from the house, watching it burn. My mother and sister died that night. The boyfriend made it out.
My foster parents called me Mouse. I would curl myself into any dark corner and keep the door in my sight-line. At night I made them keep the windows open.
Escape routes, I had them.
I dreamed of fire like a great dragon swallowing me whole. I ran from cigarette lighters and Bunsen burners and hot ovens.
I was twenty three and working in an office when I met this girl. Valerie. Good name, Valerie. Like an old torch song. She liked none of the things I liked but I loved her. And she loved me.
We married. Had a kid. I named her after my mother. She was all big teeth and fierce temper.
One night I woke to the smell of smoke. I ran.
Shivering outside, I saw no fire. No smoke. Valerie had burned some toast.
She didn't say anything when I came back in though I knew she must have wondered. I tossed and turned that night, cursing my fear. Cursing myself. Until I had a single desire. A single goal. Then I feel into a deep sleep.
In the morning I started working on an application to be a fireman. I trained. I studied. And I passed.
Now when I smell smoke, I go to work. I don't run.
I'm always afraid. That never leaves me. But I do it anyway. | He cowered there for what felt like the longest time. Honestly, he’d lost track of just how much time. But the urine that had dampened his pants had dried some time ago. When the first wave of death had rolled down from the hills he’d hidden. Somehow it had missed him. He’d watched as it rolled over his comrades and snuffed their lives out, but for some reason, passed him by. It wasn’t a simple death, not like blowing out a candle, not a simple matter of one moment they were alive and the next they were dead. If only it had been that easy. He’d spent quite some time emptying his already empty stomach.
And now he hid under the corpses of those people. There had been quite a bit of vomiting the first time he’d pulled one of the dead bodies over himself too. It was a surprise that there was actually anything left in his bowels.
They’d found him several days later roaming the rotting battlefield in a vain search for other survivors. When questioned about how his survival he only told them that the wave had knocked him unconscious—then he wouldn’t have to relate the actual story of his survival. People in power of course twisted his words. He wasn’t a lone survivor who’d made it out due to cowardice. No, he was a stoic warrior whose courage had saved him.
And now he stood at the front of the battalion. They’d never really given him a choice, they just put him there. Surely if he could survive that first, devastating attack it made him qualified to lead more experienced, and more deadly, soldiers into battle.
His knees knocked as the wave cascaded over the hills towards them. Luckily the men who followed him were too focused on the enemy to worry about him. Not for the last time, he thanked the engineers who had given him his new armor that hid his urine soaked pants. But, he stood there, weapon drawn.
| |
[WP] Write about a cowards journey from cowardice to heroic courage | Fuck. His cell was ringing again. He could hear it even in the other room.
John rocked back and forth in his favorite chair. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. He'd lost count of the number of times they had tried to call his cell. Fuck.
A fresh set of tears slid down his face. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. He was a bloody, motherfucking COWARD. He pounded the chair's armrests in frustration.
He'd agreed to do it. He'd promised to do it. It would save her life. The little girl...B---no, don't think her name. Can't think her name. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why had he agreed to this? It seemed so noble before. Saving a little girl's life! Yeah! Who wouldn't want to do that? But the sacrifice.....oh, God the sacrifice.
He hadn't been thinking of the cost when he'd agreed. Even when the doctor went into excruciating detail on what would be done to him, what the aftermath would be life. Those were far-away details. Something he could deal with in the future.
Now that future was here. Be----the little girl--- had been prepped for surgery. Something that took an excruciatingly long time for her frail, battered body. If John didn't show up at the hospital in the next few hours, she would die.
But John couldn't do it. He couldn't give his life for hers. The consequences were too real. He was healthy, he could live for another 60 years! Why should he shorten his own lifespan so drastically to save hers?
Why in God's name had he agreed to this? He was a coward. FUCK. He was a huge, miserable coward.
John jolted upright in his chair. Oh God. Oh God. They were going to send someone to his apartment. They hadn't been able to reach him all day. Someone was probably on his way now. Oh God. He couldn't face them. What if they sent one of the family members? One of the people John had promised to help? He couldn't tell them of his cowardice.
John began moving frantically around the room. Keys, wallet, and phone were shoved unceremoniously into his pocket. He shoved his shoes on his feat without bothering to put on socks. He had to get out of here. He had to get out of here NOW.
He torn the door open to his apartment and looked frantically up and down the hall, his heart racing. He half-expected to see a dark-suit from the hospital striding purposefully towards him. They were blissfully empty.
John took the stairs two at a time and his whirlwind through the lobby looked like the run of an escaped prisoner. That's exactly how John felt when he reach the busy city streets. Like a prisoner freed after years of being confined.
Too amped up to be confined in a cab or bus, John began walking. He picked a direction at random and let his feet guide him.
John's thoughts were blissfully free as he walked, and his spirits rose. He felt lighter now, freed somehow. No one could reach him out here. He didn't have to explain his cowardice to anyone. He was just another guy on the streets. For several city blocks his new euphoria lasted. Then several more. His heart rate slowed.
But the illusion was shattered when his phone rang in his pocket. FUCK. Why had he brought the bloody thing!? Why hadn't he left it behind!? FUCK FUCK FUCK.
John fumbled for it in his pocket and quickly mashed the 'Send to Voicemail' button....but it was too late. His calm had been shattered. His heart beat sped up again. His agitation returned. FUCK!
No. Fuck this. He was NOT going to think about her. He was free. No one could find him. He was out. Food. He needed food. Food was always a good at distracting him.
John looked around, desperately searching for a place to eat. Someplace where everything was friend. Then covered in fat. Then fried again. Ah! A burger truck. Perfect. John jogged towards it. Mmmm...a big, juicy double patty burger with extra bacon, onio----
John stopped short. No. Nononononononononono. The guy talking orders at the burger truck was a older man, disheveled and covered in grease. He had reached down to pick up a little girl, his daughter, John assumed. She had the same blond hair, the same blue eyes as....
NO! Fuck this. John turn and ran from the truck. As fast as his legs would carry him. He ran for miles. He ran until his sides hurt and his lungs would no longer support him. He collapsed on the sidewalk, staring sightless up at the sky, gulping in huge breaths trying to get air to his oxygen-starved muscles.
A face appeared above him, looking concerned. "Hey buddy, are you all right? I saw you fall."
John couldn't stop gasping to answer, but he nodded to the stranger. The concerned look didn't leave the man's face, but he extended his hand. John took it, and let the man draw him to his feet.
The stranger led him to a nearby bench, which John sank blissfully into. It was a few minutes before John caught his breath enough to thank the man. "...t...thanks..." he rasped out. In addition to his wild run, John hadn't spoken to anyone for days.
Of course the man didn't know this. He though John's voice was raspy from his recent excursion. "You still look rough my friend. Let me buy you a water and some food." John made a motion to wave him off, but the man bulled ahead. "I insist. You look like you need it."
John didn't have the energy to argue. He sighed, but stood up and followed the man as he led him to a nearby noodle cart.
John nearly froze again when he saw a little girl at the cart. But this girl looked nothing like the sick one. She was Asian, with dark hair and dark eyes.
The good Samaritan ordered two bowels of Ramen noodles from the man running the cart. He spoke in a language John didn't recognize and the little girl began spooning out the noodles and toppings from various metal containers. The Asian man smiled and turned towards his two customers. "Would you mind speaking English to my daughter? We are new to America, and she is still learning her English. It would do her good to practice it."
The man next to John smiled back. "Of course." he replied, and knelt in front of the little girl. "Hi there. My name is Keith. What's your name?"
The little girl smiled shyly at the stranger and replied in a very soft voice. "Thaoli."
"Thaoli." Keith echoed back. "That's a very pretty name. Thank you for preparing our noodles Thaoli. We're quite hungry."
Thaoli smiled but didn't reply back, but thrust the two bowls of noodles towards Keith. He took them and set them down. "Can I pay you instead of your father Thaoli?" The little girl nodded again. Keith handed her a bill, and she counted out his change from coins her father handed down to her. "Thank you Thaoli." Keith said, and stood up, handing me a bowl of noodles. The Asian father reached down and grabbed young Thaoli, giving her a wet kiss and tostling her hair, bringing another youthful grin to her face.
That grin broke John. This girl was nothing like the one he had promised, yet she was. She laughed, she learned, and she had the potential to be anything. She was a young life that deserved her chance in this world. So did the sick girl So did Beth.
John had been cowardly, but his greatest sin was to be selfish. His life was not worth more than a child's. He had his chance in life and had made his mistakes. He was being offered a chance to save a young life like little Thaoli who was a blank canvas, with so many possibilities before her. How could he refuse that?
John reached into his pocket for his cell and dialed the number to Beth's father. He answered on the first ring. "This is John. I am on my way to the hospital now. Tell Beth not to worry."
| He cowered there for what felt like the longest time. Honestly, he’d lost track of just how much time. But the urine that had dampened his pants had dried some time ago. When the first wave of death had rolled down from the hills he’d hidden. Somehow it had missed him. He’d watched as it rolled over his comrades and snuffed their lives out, but for some reason, passed him by. It wasn’t a simple death, not like blowing out a candle, not a simple matter of one moment they were alive and the next they were dead. If only it had been that easy. He’d spent quite some time emptying his already empty stomach.
And now he hid under the corpses of those people. There had been quite a bit of vomiting the first time he’d pulled one of the dead bodies over himself too. It was a surprise that there was actually anything left in his bowels.
They’d found him several days later roaming the rotting battlefield in a vain search for other survivors. When questioned about how his survival he only told them that the wave had knocked him unconscious—then he wouldn’t have to relate the actual story of his survival. People in power of course twisted his words. He wasn’t a lone survivor who’d made it out due to cowardice. No, he was a stoic warrior whose courage had saved him.
And now he stood at the front of the battalion. They’d never really given him a choice, they just put him there. Surely if he could survive that first, devastating attack it made him qualified to lead more experienced, and more deadly, soldiers into battle.
His knees knocked as the wave cascaded over the hills towards them. Luckily the men who followed him were too focused on the enemy to worry about him. Not for the last time, he thanked the engineers who had given him his new armor that hid his urine soaked pants. But, he stood there, weapon drawn.
| |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | The world began like someone shutting their eyes. Imagination running wild with mythical creatures and land with high peaks that crossed temperatures zones. Beautiful flying things sang through the air. Then, they opened their eyes, darkness.
Fin.
| The beginning came and it was amazing.
Springing to life, Earth's flowers bloomed, A great light came into existence. Animals soon followed and assumed their natural roles. Oceans formed instantly. Then the end came all too quic- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | It begins after hearing the sound of a metallic slip into the slot;
***Clank***
Black atmosphere, white stars.
Nothing could sate the hunger I was born with.
Gobble, Gobble..
The touch of a ghost..
Game Ov-
| The beginning came and it was amazing.
Springing to life, Earth's flowers bloomed, A great light came into existence. Animals soon followed and assumed their natural roles. Oceans formed instantly. Then the end came all too quic- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | The beginning came and it was amazing.
Springing to life, Earth's flowers bloomed, A great light came into existence. Animals soon followed and assumed their natural roles. Oceans formed instantly. Then the end came all too quic- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Though swirled about, it twirled around the vast empty nothingness. No where to go, no where in mind, Thought flowed observing the moving but somehow still universe. Everything was moving, everything everywhere, right down to the littlest molecule was moving, but nothing was living. Nothing around Thought had a sense or a care. The swimming fish on this planet or that, no more intelligent than a rock or clouds in any given galaxy. How boring, this whole magnificent universe could be... 'What I need is something to do, something to entertain myself...... Something original, always original, I like this one....,' Thought approached a galaxy. With many things, this one teems with life, but no sentience. Thought could see ahead, through time, and thought could see that this world would live and die many times, and it was to be pointless. Never an appreciation of its beauty, or any of it for that matter. Thought went to the world, a time when it was freshly beaten from space. Thought knew that soon this little worlds majestic journey would start, it would be insignificant though, if Thought wasn't there. Thought inspected the worlds beauty, he didn't change anything, as he peered through the time. This world would span many different species lifetime. Thought wanted to pick the right one. Thought liked the time with giant reptiles, but this wasn't the proper time. Thought would pick a time where reptiles where still present, but not the dominate species. Thought saw a time where primates began losing their hair. Naked and stupid, Thought saw through the time to see the end of the hairless primates, and decided upon them a new fate. Thought dissolved into the hairless primates. Thought had taken root inside each one, no longer conscience as one big whole, Thought joined the hairless primates, to afford the world the human race. People rule the world, with hopes of searching the galaxies wonder, majestically vast space and planets. Life with cognitive thought, that we can find, or sustain. However, humanity becomes frantic in its search for immortality. Humanity is desperate for survival, the human race finds a way through the digital world via population download. Data Corrupt. | The beginning came and it was amazing.
Springing to life, Earth's flowers bloomed, A great light came into existence. Animals soon followed and assumed their natural roles. Oceans formed instantly. Then the end came all too quic- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | So kids, let me tell you a story about the beginning of time. A man created the world. Some say, He will come back to life and kill us all. What's that over there? OH JESUS CHR- | The beginning came and it was amazing.
Springing to life, Earth's flowers bloomed, A great light came into existence. Animals soon followed and assumed their natural roles. Oceans formed instantly. Then the end came all too quic- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | It was a dark and stormy night. Johnson swallowed another glass of the whiskey that was serving as his muse, but his writing wasn’t any good. Who am I kidding, this isn’t any good either. Screw thi | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | In the beginning, we had to band together, provide a collective defense, and share resources to survive. And so it was again in the end, as we weren't prepared for the nightmares of our own creation. | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | "In the beginning silence was it's own music, but like all symphonies, there came an end. It began not with a bang, but with a whisper. A single note. Pure and serine, cast into existence to echo off the deepest darkness. And within the abyss, life was born and it's music was sweet. But like all symphonies, there came an end."
So, I couldn't stick to the word count. Let internet rebellion begin. Fun WP OP.
| |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | In the beginning, I was born into a world of hatred. People walked by, either with complete disregard for their neighbor, or worse contempt. My world ended when she was gone, the only one I ever lov-
-349 | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Dust and gas, merging together, clumping, growing and burning. Time passes, life appears and disappears, only to appear again. Ignoring the protests, we just found the mysterious particle.
Unfounded fears of creating a black hol | As an ominpowerful and all knowing being, can you really question the things I do? I created your universe for no other reason but to observe. But now I am done and like a janitor clean u- | |
[WP] [FF] Write a story about the beginning and end of the world in either 36.5 words, or 365 | Though swirled about, it twirled around the vast empty nothingness. No where to go, no where in mind, Thought flowed observing the moving but somehow still universe. Everything was moving, everything everywhere, right down to the littlest molecule was moving, but nothing was living. Nothing around Thought had a sense or a care. The swimming fish on this planet or that, no more intelligent than a rock or clouds in any given galaxy. How boring, this whole magnificent universe could be... 'What I need is something to do, something to entertain myself...... Something original, always original, I like this one....,' Thought approached a galaxy. With many things, this one teems with life, but no sentience. Thought could see ahead, through time, and thought could see that this world would live and die many times, and it was to be pointless. Never an appreciation of its beauty, or any of it for that matter. Thought went to the world, a time when it was freshly beaten from space. Thought knew that soon this little worlds majestic journey would start, it would be insignificant though, if Thought wasn't there. Thought inspected the worlds beauty, he didn't change anything, as he peered through the time. This world would span many different species lifetime. Thought wanted to pick the right one. Thought liked the time with giant reptiles, but this wasn't the proper time. Thought would pick a time where reptiles where still present, but not the dominate species. Thought saw a time where primates began losing their hair. Naked and stupid, Thought saw through the time to see the end of the hairless primates, and decided upon them a new fate. Thought dissolved into the hairless primates. Thought had taken root inside each one, no longer conscience as one big whole, Thought joined the hairless primates, to afford the world the human race. People rule the world, with hopes of searching the galaxies wonder, majestically vast space and planets. Life with cognitive thought, that we can find, or sustain. However, humanity becomes frantic in its search for immortality. Humanity is desperate for survival, the human race finds a way through the digital world via population download. Data Corrupt. | The world began like someone shutting their eyes. Imagination running wild with mythical creatures and land with high peaks that crossed temperatures zones. Beautiful flying things sang through the air. Then, they opened their eyes, darkness.
Fin.
| |
Not adventure time the show, sorry. Unless you wanna write one they did.
If you don't feel like replying to any, you can always start another of your own, obviously. | [WP] Adventure time! Start an adventure, replies continue the adventure. | Traka was always an old miser. Even at the age of thirteen, when he should have been chasing girls and reading things to make him more stupid, he longed for the peaceful life. A living boat appealed to him, mostly.
Though they were far too expensive for a mere soldier's son, he ogled them while they rested, suspended on great Skyhooks dug into the side of the Mooring Cliffs, sleeping, waiting. A knock on the side of his head brought reality tidally back.
"Focus, boy!"
He hated practicing with swords. He longed for something less, but instead, it seemed, he was destined for heroism. His father eyed him suspiciously, as though Traka was hiding his true hero nature and would attack at any moment.
"Give me your best!"
Traka lifted his sword. It looked to be a long winter. | "Hard to port!" The captain shouted. The engines strained as the starboard engines boosted power to assist the battle cruiser in turning. Three destroyer class ships were closing and there were no other allies in this sector of the nebula. "No ships in range for assistance, sir." The communications officer stated. "Prepare rear shield and deflectors." The captain was going over maneuvers and formulas in his head as he spat out commands. "Captain, new unidentified ships entering space ahead".... |
The harder it is the guess, the more fun it is to figure out; Like literary charades. An example might be a world that never discovered gunpowder, or one where a certain taboo doesn't exist.
| [WP] Write a story in a world which is similar to ours, except for one significant part. Do not explicitly state the difference, but show the effect it has on society. | *To OP: You did nothing wrong. People are just jerks and downvote a lot of prompts on here. You're actually quite lucky that yours has gotten so many upvotes.*
“Hey Daniel,” she said as he walked into the cafe. She turned her head to look at him.
“Hi,” he waved back. He then walked over to the counter and ordered himself a cup of coffee. The whole time he kept his eyes on Emily, even when he was paying, which caused him to accidentally give the cashier a dollar bill instead of the five dollar bill he had meant to hand him. Coffee in tow, he walked over and sat down.
“You think maybe you’d like to go on a walk or something,” he asked.
“Sure,” Emily replied, her smile as beautiful as ever. They both stood up, grabbing their coffees, Emily slinging her purse over her shoulder, and walked out into the cold winter day, headed for the movie theater a few blocks away. “I’m glad you asked me out.”
“I’m glad you actually came,” Daniel replied. He pushed Emily out of the way as a bicyclist came speeding up behind them, nearly running them over. Fortunately he had seen it coming in time.
“Damn bikers!” Emily cursed, spitting at the ground. “They have a fucking bike lane. Use it already.” Suddenly her cheeks got red as she realized that she had started to cuss.
“Asshole!” Daniel yelled out after the biker, trying to make her not feel bad for cussing. To tell the truth, he didn’t really care whether a woman cussed or not. “I have to admit, the back of your head is very beautiful as are your eyes.”
Emily suddenly became bashful.
“Thanks,” she replied. “Yours doesn’t look so bad itself.”
“Ouch!” Daniel yelled in pain as someone walked by, knocking him in the back of the head by accident. “That hurts so much!”
“Are you alright?” Emily asked softly. She was looking down at the wriggling Daniel on the sidewalk, clasping the back of his head in pain.
“I’m fine,” he said as she extended her hand to help him up. He stumbled a bit as he got up and found that he had accidentally pulled Emily into his clutches. Feeling impulsive, he brought her lips to his and kissed her. He watched as people passed by behind him, some with disapproving looks, others smiling, reminded of a time when they were young and in love.
“Wow,” Emily whispered as their lips fell apart. She was having a hard time standing.
“Wow indeed,” Daniel whispered back. Their breath froze in the breeze as he held her close to his side and they walked to the movie theater. It was only after they started walking that Daniel realized he had spilled his coffee, the contents of it spread in plain view across the sidewalk behind him.
-351 | The sex was great. It was always great with my wife. I wish I could take credit, but from my past *experiences*, I can tell you that when the sex was great, it definitely wasn’t my doing. I’m just a willing participant. When we finished, she rolled off me, and walked to the bathroom, her sheer body suit openly displaying her nudity. Even after ten years, it still sent a rush to my groin, seeing her naked. After her shower, she left, no hug good bye, no kiss on the cheek, just a bow as she walked out the door. I nodded from the bed. Once she had gone, I peeled off my sweaty body suit and headed to the shower, dropping the breathable rubber outfit into the incinerator on my way to the bathroom.
The water felt good, washing off the sweat and grime that had built up in the body suit. I flipped on the steam function and felt as the steam cleaned the last vestiges of the physical effort from my body. I carefully shaved my head before drying off in the blast of slightly warmed sanitized air that came from the grates on the floor. The system had cost a fortune, but the peace of mind had been worth it. When I added up the money saved from the daily washing of the towels, the system would pay for itself in only four years.
I put on my suit, the blue one and then put on my gloves, the black ones. The gloves had been sitting in the UV case next to my phone, which I slid into the inside pocket of my suit. I, reassuringly, felt the lump of the sanitizing gel next to my phone. I grabbed a new facemask from the dispenser and strapped it around my neck. I grabbed a simple white bag from the dryer. It had been freshly washed and was still warm from the dryer cycle. I tucked a box of latex gloves, a bottle of anti-bacterial spray, an extra facemask, and a clean towel into the bag and headed out the door.
The door had also been a splurge; a voice activated one with no doorknob. The stainless steel doorknobs never stood up to the daily cleaning, no knobs meant no cleaning. I stood in front of the door and spoke:
“Open”
The door swung open, revealing the stark beige hallway of our condominium complex. The walls were a dull plastic that were sanitized on an hourly basis. The elevator was also voice activated and wished me a nice day on the ground floor. It was a warm day, July in Portland can bring some heat, but a cool breeze was blowing in off the ocean. I could feel the breeze as it played across my bare head, I put on my sunglasses and headed to the bus stop. The RFID scanner on the bus automatically connected with my phone, allowing me to pay the fare without stopping or handing the driver any money. The bus was full, the divisions between the seats had limited the number available, but I was content to stand. I pulled a single latex glove from my bag and put it on over my gloves. The latex glove stuck to the stainless steam pole. I smiled at the woman who got on after me; she was standing about three feet away, holding onto the next pole with her hand wrapped around a towel. I offered her a latex glove, but she declined.
The trip to work was relatively uneventful, until the second to last stop. A man got on wearing jeans and polo shirt. He handed the driver a grubby fiver dollar bill and waited for his change. The driver carefully handed him three crisp, brand new bills, which he unceremoniously stuffed into the front pocket of his jeans. He elbowed his way past the riders in front of me and I could see, with some terror that he had intended to stand between the woman and me. He settled between us, and grabbed the overhead bar with a bare hand. I watched as the bar around his hand fogged slightly as the condensation from his hot palm heated the surrounding bar. He opened his fingers and shifted his hand a little further back on the bar, leaving a handprint in the gleaming metal. He had obviously been doing hard labor, as his hair was sweaty and he had a humid cloud that hung about him. His polo shirt was a little frayed at the neck crease and still bore the small tag from the dry cleaner. He caught me staring at him and smiled:
“Good morning” He said cheerfully smiling at me.
I smiled instinctively, but could smell his minty breath from behind my mask. I contemplated getting off the bus. The woman behind him did. I saw her as she got off; practically gagging as she tried to remove what appeared to be a stray hair from her blouse. She had dropped her towel onto the ground. The guy noticed that she dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up, extending a hand through the door, holding the soiled rag as if an offering to the woman.
“Hey, ma’am, you dropped this!”
The woman suppressed a dry heave, turned, and hurried away from the bus, rubbing her hands vigorously with sanitizing gel as she walked.
“Eh, oh well.” The guy said tucking the rag into his back pocket.
I swallowed the urge to vomit and closed my eyes. I imagined a clean white plate under a UV lamp, a glass bucket filled with concentrated bleach, my steam shower, whatever I could.
“Excuse me. Time to get off.” I opened my eyes; the guy was standing just inches from me. I caught his eyes and he pointed at the door, which I was blocking.
“My apologies.” I turned to get off the bus, and reveled in the cleansing glow of the hot sun. I walked to the nearest incinerator and dropped my latex glove into the box. Then, remembering the guy, I removed my regular gloves and facemask dropping them in as well. I put on a fresh pair of latex gloves and a new facemask. I took a deep break of filtered air and set off to my office.
|
[WP] You're an adult now and you have gotten rid of your old toys; however, your new toys also come to life when you're not around. | "For the Emperor!" Boltguns thundered, chainswords screamed. Brother Champion Gerhard had lead his fellow Black Templars into the midst of the enemy army. The carnage was ultimate. Dozens of orks fell before their righteous fury.
"AAAWWWWRIIIII'T u 'UUUMIEES! Time for a bashin'!" It was the ork Waaaghboos, towering at least 2 1/2 Inches high, weilding a crude axe. he ploughed through his own smaller boyz to get to the Chmpion of the Emperor faster. He lifted his massive axe and...froze. All of them froze. "Awww no no' again!" muttered the Waaghboss through gritted teeth.
"Silence, Xenos, he musn't hear us!"
"I would have definitely beat you dis time, humie!"
"shhh!"
- "ahhh that break was necessary, where were we?"
- "the challenge between my Waaaghboss and your Champion of the Emperor."
- "Ah, yes." *rolling dice* "two hits" *more rolling dice* "1wound with the 'instant death' special rule"
- *rolls dice* "Not again! Damn you rolling those sixes every time!"
A huge hand bore down on the Waaaghboss, grabbed him and lifted him away from the Champion. Gerhard could see that the Ork was seething with frustration. Then the ork lost his temper for a second and bit the finger which was holding it.
* "Ouch!"
* "huh? whats up?"
* "Oh, nothing, I think I just stung myself on one of those pointy spikes on the Waaaghboss."
Thank the Emperor, THAT had been close. "Maybe I should let him win once in a while, " Gerhard thought by himself "just to prevent incidents like these from happening. The Emperor will understand."
| The fleshlight became self aware and so eviscerated by his purpose in life given the gift of sentient thought he chose never to let his mouth be used like that again... limped to the dish washer... prepared himself to be evacuated by the 70C wash cycle...
....cruel fate intervened....
45 minutes later after tortuous burning and waterboarding the fleshlight emerged a soft limping listless mass of rubberised vagina.
....you bastard, god.... why did you make me dishwasher proof!
The dog ran up to him and blissfully finisihed him off with a quick bite to the neck... It was over. |
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