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Make it two if you count my great personality - three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it's a table for one. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicles | Maximofn/short-jokes |
No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you call a meerkat? C'meerkat. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What should you always ask after someone says "I'd fuck her, but only with a bag on her head"? Paper or plastic? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I watched a great documentary about how old ships are put together. Riveting. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket: Always put on steel toes before doing this. | reddit/r/jokes(score=92) |
My girlfriend wanted to use a protractor during sex... but I told her graphing paper is where I draw the line. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you know that when a woman gets pregnant and she decides to go for it, she's got to get sober that day, The day that she finds out, with no going away party, We don't talk about that, That is. that's a real sacrifice, all right, Do you guys think you could get sober today as a surprise? You gotta give up everything... | tiktok_standup |
You're sitting at home when all of a sudden There's a knock at the door. You open the door. It's a bathroom sink... Let that sink in.. | reddit/r/jokes(score=122) |
Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias? The head researcher was quoted as saying "it turned out to be just as we expected". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully. "Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses." "I've got contacts," I explained. "I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."... | reddit/r/jokes(score=38) |
I'm an 'adult', so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn't know was there... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My friend told me I don't know what irony is... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Have you seen that sexy taser? She's stunning. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "We can't take our dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him", 'response': "Guess that's what we get for buying a pure bread dog"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Research shows that smoking pot does not make you paranoid. But I highly doubt it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Reddit front page is so slow that it's showing posts from 30 years ago. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?" | reddit/r/jokes(score=38) |
Why were the students confused by the gay kid's performance in school? He was getting straight D's | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas? Cancer | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I accidentally watched some gay porn last night... ... it was the worst 28 minutes of my life. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Stevie wonder may be a great musician, But he is a terrible dad.. He never sees his kids. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
eat dirt... When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it. | reddit/r/jokes(score=21) |
I went through a pretty bad breakup right before I left to go to New York. dude, It was bad, She was crazy, And I know it's like cliche for dudes to be like. my ex was crazy, but she was Like. she made me go to therapy and the only thing I got out of the therapy is that I shouldn't- just I shouldn't- be with her. So I ... | tiktok_standup |
"hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] "what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What kind of TV changes channels by itself', 'response': 'An ADHD TV'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why does Santa Claus have a such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You know you're getting old When you walk by 3 priests and don't even get a wink! | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth', 'response': 'Now I’m speaking with a strange Axe scent'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A group of chronic masturbators have recently started an organization to protect women from domestic violence. Their slogan is "We only beat ourselves." | reddit/r/jokes(score=33) |
She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Kitty Pryde walks into a bar Something is disrupting her mutant power. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Air Conditioning is pretty cool | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a will? a dead giveaway | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What do you call a cow that isn’t moving', 'response': 'Dead meat'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why shouldn't you kiss anybody on New Years Day? Because it's the first date. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words... I have contacts. | reddit/r/jokes(score=41) |
I think Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Honestly, I'm kind of sick of having to pretend that all rescue dog owners are heroes, Because most of them are not. You ever hear a rescue dog owner tell their story? Of course you have. They are the vegans of the dog community, don't they? They gotta let you know You really shouldn't buy a dog, You should adopt one. ... | tiktok_standup |
"It's raining men. Hallelujah." -The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You can say what you like about Paedophiles... ..at least they drive slowly in a school area. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why didn't the girl cross the street? She didn't have the balls | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do we know a blind man created mermaids? He smelled the bottom half of a woman.. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half." OK. Sounds reasonable. "Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint... ...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Where's the one place it's acceptable to drink and drive", 'response': 'The golf tee'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How do you program global warming? using an Al-Gore-ithm | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
How are weed and pussy the exact opposite? If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best | reddit/r/jokes(score=129) |
My wife always starts conversations with, " are you listening to me?" Such a strange way to start a conversation. | reddit/r/jokes(score=88) |
{'question': 'PSA - DO NOT BUY VELCRO', 'response': '## It’s a total rip-off'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why will you never starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
No, it's, that's our dirty dog. Sorry, that was the wrong conference room for that joke, I guess. Oh, is it very Republican? I don't care, I don't really care. You know what I'm saying? I don't care, I should care. Why should I care, sir, He looks like a professional in this freaking country right now. What is that? I ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "You might say. Wife: Girls, we need to pick out some shoes. Your aunt wants to buy some for Easter for you. Me: Why is she going to do that. They already have 1000 shoes each. (not much of an exaggeration) Wife: She has a problem. Me: You might say. Wife: Don't do it. Me:", 'response': 'she has isshoes'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
fucking tank you are you. yes, bro, fucking me. how the fuck you shagging, bro, you've got to be on top constant you. you can't be underneath that. your hips must be like sandy, fucking hell. what's your name? Ollie? you're right, Ollie. which do you like? power lifting or not? strong man? yeah, you gotta be having you... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'Did you know that Norwegian warships have big bar codes on the side', 'response': "It's so that when they come to port the workers can quickly scan da Navy in"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? One can't, but toucan. | reddit/r/jokes(score=24) |
NSFW How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
What’s a difference between an average redditor and an necrophiliac [NSFW] One is dead inside and one is inside the dead | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
*Reversing the car* Dad: Ahh, this takes me back | reddit/r/jokes(score=234) |
A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says "Shit, some asshole took my pen!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My grandmothers astrological sign was Cancer. Ironic, how she died. Crushed to death by a giant crab. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory. He returns home to his wife and tells her the bad news. "What did you do?" She asks. The man sighs and says, "I put my dick in the pickle slicer". Horrified, the woman pulls down his pants to see he penis intact. "What on earth happened to the pickle slicer?" She yells... | reddit/r/jokes(score=44) |
My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me. | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
A vampire walks into a bar... The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?" The vampire says "hot water please" The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?" The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea." | reddit/r/jokes(score=53) |
{'question': "Recommending a pick-up line [NSFW] Dad: Do you like chicken. (They say yes) Dad: Suck my dick then, it's fowl", 'response': 'Thanks for that Dad'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan | Maximofn/short-jokes |
SPELLING BEE "Defiant" Can I have the definition, please? "No" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Another goal for this year. this is the year that I would like to understand the trumpet. I don't want to play it, I just want to get it. Listen to me now. Three buttons, Excuse me Three buttons, And it plays all the notes. What the fuck's going on? I want answers. Sometimes they're pushing two, sometimes they're pushi... | tiktok_standup |
I tried to get a guy over to fix my window screen but we couldn't get our times to mesh. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Last week I fucked my sister in law This week I fucked my brother in geography | reddit/r/jokes(score=4294) |
Being vegan is wrong! I think it’s a huge missed steak. | reddit/r/jokes(score=71) |
Has anyone tried calling the tinnitus helpline? I did, it just keeps ringing | reddit/r/jokes(score=66) |
What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus? I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A lion wouldn't cheat at golf... But a tiger woods | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do native American and modern day American society have in common? Navaho lot. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Sexism isnt cool at all Bitches hate that shit | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I can't remember a time I wasn't waiting for my next meal to start | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop." "I'm a cop." "So you're a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let's do this shit | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Yesterday, my aunt took me to a marijuana theme park | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh...sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between an engineer and god? God doesn't think he is an engineer | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
Two mens are under a tent Two men are under a tent when one of them ask the second one: -Are you masturbating? -Yes why? -Then can you use your penis instead of mine? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Thank you for clarifying that you'd bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What is orange and sounds like a parrot', 'response': 'A carrot'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Discussing a possible lion that was seen in Wisconsin. My dad said it was hard to confirm it was a lion because the reports were from a number of random spottings', 'response': 'My mom said it Sounds more like a leopard'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I don't often tell sailor jokes But when I do they are usually salty. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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