text stringlengths 21 2k | source stringlengths 11 53 |
|---|---|
And I was teasing the blind guy and he was having a great time. After the show he said most people ignore that I'm even there, So thank you for making me feel like a part of it And that's where his head was at. But during the show I'm teasing the blind guy and a woman in the back is like, excuse me, I'm offended. I'm l... | tiktok_standup |
Someone knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the organization for children with no hands. I started clapping. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub... then Bubbles got up and left. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
People are offended by the smallest things these days So please keep your dick in your pants | reddit/r/jokes(score=210) |
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine. | reddit/r/jokes(score=3460) |
Why did the stoner go to the chapel? To marry Jane | Maximofn/short-jokes |
People always freak out when I start playing their kid like a bass. It's like chill, you can play him like a bass too once I finish the song | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I wish that regular church goers would stay home at Easter so that those of us who only come once a year can get in the building. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What makes Santa Claus so gangsta', 'response': "He's a wrap artist"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp | reddit/r/jokes(score=184) |
{'question': 'What did Sideshow Bob study to figure out how to kill Bart', 'response': 'Bartending'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
There's a difference between racism and fact... Niggers are stinky - fact | Maximofn/short-jokes |
10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Does anyone know? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why did the melon get married at home', 'response': "Can't elope"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you", She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?" I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Do you want to hear a powerball joke? Sorry, odds are you won't get it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are like an art gallery, because nobody cares about art galleries either. My pain is very well curated. Don't don't touch me, Don't touch the art. And just like my emotions, my art will have no value till after I die. I've never felt better. you know, I'm never gonna feel better. It do... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'What do you call mustard native to an area', 'response': 'Indijonous mustard'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel It was a blunder | reddit/r/jokes(score=75) |
I lost my job as a police officer just for giving a guy a breathalyser test. Apparently it "wasn't humorous" to the passenger that survived. | reddit/r/jokes(score=53) |
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have He: We will have two kids. She: I want three kids. He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one. She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own. | reddit/r/jokes(score=23) |
I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump's inauguration... ...it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
In art class I was told black was a shade not a color. That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's a terrorists least favorite wine? White Infidel | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
Bill Cosby likes his women like he doesn't like his computer Not responding. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Greyhound Buses and Lobsters What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal that hasn't been cleaned in months and a lobster with a boob job? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
There's a rumor that if you play a Nickleback album backwards it plays satanic messages. But that's nothing.... ... if you play it forwards it plays a Nickleback album. | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
Stay away 7 STAY AWAYYYYY Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
What’s the difference between America and yogurt? You leave yogurt for 200 years it will form a culture | reddit/r/jokes(score=27) |
{'question': 'If you want, I can draw you, but you’ll have to sit still. I asked if my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench so “I could draw you. ” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur', 'response': 'com/a/IMOR4q5'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of planes? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
An ice cream truck flips over on the highway, what does it leave? A Rocky Road | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What will the sequel to Lake Placid that takes place 50 years later be called? Lake Flaccid | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh really? What was the question? Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Dad joked by my grandma. Traveling on the freeway when we hit some bumps in the road. Mom:. Oh sorry about the bumps', 'response': "Grandma: oh it's not your fault, it's *asphalt*"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Waiter came to our table to give us tea and. *tries to reach end of the table* sorry my arms are real short', 'response': 'I have this disability called Tea-Rex'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I think the worst one of all- and I swear, I swear this is bump- start in the car with your wife when you've broken down, Because I, I know women can push, Because I've seen you. So when we've broken down and we asked you, why do you go to the back of the car and go like that, Oh, car, My shoes don't play pain, Alright... | tiktok_standup |
Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term. | reddit/r/jokes(score=521) |
{'question': "Now I know can bench at least one dadjoke While out walking with the family we saw a bench with a dedication plaque. It read In Memory of Helen, she walked these meadows with joy . Of course I had no choice but to remark Why didn't Joy get a bench too. Cue involuntary snort of laughter from the wife", 're... | shuttie/dadjokes |
I am smart I am smart but brokenhearted, I tried to fart but instead I sharted. - - Emily Dickinson, 1626 | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
Are there any other ways that you tried dating? I'm from Chicago and my friend Jesse- hey, and my friend Jesse years ago. my friend Jesse's the kind of gay. he's completely bald but still halfway through the conversation he'll wipe away hair. that's like not good, And his voice is like somewhere between Julia Child and... | tiktok_standup |
What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age! | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
And the crowd. look at the crowd getting into. Will Ferrell is spitting the actor right by the raptor bench and now he's staring him down. here's Boucher with a 141- 141. anybody have Craig's number? I need to get a hold of Craig. Scotty Barnes, I get it. it was a good play. The crowd serenading: Let's Go Raptors home ... | tiktok_standup |
What is Pitbull's favorite restaurant? Jason's Dale! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why did the old woman fall into the well', 'response': 'Because she couldn’t see that well'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Why do some people hate fishing', 'response': 'I’m still trying to figure it trout'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Thought of this whilst snacking. If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
if ur in a bad mood & somone says "have a good day" the best response is to yell "HEY EVRYONE THIS DUDES HANDING OUT GOOD DAYS COME GET ONE" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
- Hi, this is NSA calling. - Yes, I know. - How do you know? -- My phone is turned off. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I thought I pocket dialed you... But it was just a clothes call. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Reading a book about assisted suicide but it's fucking boring. I need someone to help me finish it. | reddit/r/jokes(score=94) |
Knock Knock... Knock Knock Who's there? I have runnyeep I have runnyeep who? hahaha! (You have to say it out loud to get it) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If you can't hang Don't be a runaway slave | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the Buddhist say to the man at the pizza shop? "Make me one with everything." | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
What’s long and yellow and cannot swim? A school bus full of children | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue ‘cause “it looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass', 'response': 'I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Did you hear about the Italian that wanted to cheat the Broadway award voting? He wanted to rig a Tony. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is "swinging a mean stick", so look out, ladies. He's back. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I went to the club, now my friends call me Cheers... ...Because I star Ted Danson (say it out loud now) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You know, estrogen is the hormone that makes us nurturing, makes us caregivers, makes us want to make sure that everyone else is taken care of. first, That's estrogen. And when we hit perimenopause, estrogen starts dropping, And the lower it goes, the more we start to question: Go, wait a minute, why am I doing everyth... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "Chicken My father in law: why do chicken coops have 2 doors. Me: uh, idk why. FIL: If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan. Hahaha", 'response': 'Me: *face palm *'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion. It is fucking confusing. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
{'question': 'What did 28 say to 29', 'response': 'Talk 30 to me'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day... Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday... | reddit/r/jokes(score=590) |
What do you call a group of kangaroos? A Kangacrew | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Trick question; the rooster. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Today's laugh Every day I tell myself: "Jack, you have to stop drinking". Good thing my name ain't Jack! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do Donald Trump's Toupee and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after? A one night stand with Jesus | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The first time I had sex was kinda like the first time I rode a bicycle my dad was holding me from behind | reddit/r/jokes(score=31) |
Whos jared fogles favorite outlaw... ...Billy the kid | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ? A horse ! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... He isn't a full essay | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the tailor say after a job well done? There is nothing left too loose. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by? Everywhere. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
what did the tricep say to the muscular receptionist bye, 'cep! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "My SO thinks she is allergic to spicy foods and the sun. I told her that couldn't be possible. because if she was allergic to hot things she would be allergic to me", 'response': "Needless to say I didn't even get a smile"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What do you call an alien that's also a pedophile? An Extramolestrial | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How does Hitler like his orange juice? Freshly squeezed. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You texted "SORRY" followed by six "!"s, and seven was the minimum I was looking for so... apology not accepted | Maximofn/short-jokes |
All subjects can be funny with the right delivery, Except abortion jokes. Which by definition have no delivery. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I see that every joke about Ajit Pai is an instant hit. So, here goes mine... | reddit/r/jokes(score=66) |
Son: Mommy, will you give me a dollar if if behave? Mother: Why can't you be good for nothing like your father? | reddit/r/jokes(score=53) |
When cows jump over barbed wire fences.... there is udder destruction! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him... I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Thank. God', 'response': "I'm atheist"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Remember that guy that told us that he had no asshole? I think he's full of shit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me It means a lot | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Knock knock Person 1: Knock knock. Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: Hammer. Person 2: Hammer what? Person 1: Hammertime! ^canttouchthis | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the lunatic vacuum cleaner salesman say to his son before murdering him? Dyson. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.