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### Human: When Mount Vesuvius erupted, people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death. ### Assistant: Savages. |
### Human: We've passed the Ponte Vecchio bridge three times. I think we're lost. ### Assistant: Let me check the navigation system... |
### Human: We've passed the Ponte Vecchio bridge three times. I think we're lost. ### Assistant: It says that we should turn left at a fat chick in a tu-tu being fed by a midget. |
### Human: That's a DVD of a Fellini movie! ### Assistant: I get it -- the midget represents dwarves. |
### Human: Mozzarella! Parmigiano! Provolone! Pecorino! Gorgonzola! Fontina! Tallegio! Bocconcini! ### Assistant: Don't worry. We got the cheese insurance. |
### Human: It doesn't cover mortadella. ### Assistant: Nooooo! |
### Human: Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village. ### Assistant: Hey, do you know anything about fixing sports cars? |
### Human: Scusi? ### Assistant: It's a Lamborgotti Fasterosa XT 550 with ABS Sport Tech package. |
### Human: Ehhh... Americano? ### Assistant: Americano? What the Hell could that mean? Why can't you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food! |
### Human: Hey, she says the mayor speaks English. ### Assistant: I honor you and your country. |
### Human: How did you wind up here? ### Assistant: Yes, tell us your story. But it better have a beginning, a middle and an end. And you'd better make us root for the protagonist. |
### Human: My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart... ### Assistant: Okay, so far I'm rootin' for ya. |
### Human: This is my bride, Francesca, and my son, Gino. ### Assistant: Holy moley! |
### Human: This is my bride, Francesca, and my son, Gino. ### Assistant: I always thought you were, you know, "out loud and proud." |
### Human: Well... I experimented in college, as one does. ### Assistant: Yeah, I never went to college. |
### Human: Bob, you haven't told your wife about all the terrible things you've done? ### Assistant: Yeah, I tell Marge everything! Not necessarily in words, but in body language -- you know, sneaking around and such. |
### Human: And literature is filled with tales of redemption, from Jean Valjean to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen. ### Assistant: All right, Bob. We won't tell your beautiful new family that you're a homicidal psychopath -- if you fix up our car. |
### Human: Dad, don't act like Mussolini! ### Assistant: I thought I was doing Donald Trump. |
### Human: Here's a cute fact. This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for six hundred years. ### Assistant: Prego? |
### Human: Here's a cute fact. This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for six hundred years. ### Assistant: I love you, Marge. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Sideshow Bob! |
### Human: I feel so sick. ### Assistant: It's called a hangover, sweetie. And it's an unavoidable part of life. |
### Human: Where is my roadster? You were due back a month ago! ### Assistant: Mr. Burns, we may be experiencing some technical difficulties. |
### Human: Dad, you're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct! ### Assistant: What am I supposed to use it for -- transporting water to distant urban centers?! |
### Human: Dad, you're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct! ### Assistant: Uh-oh. |
### Human: Dad, you're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct! ### Assistant: Lazy Romans. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Everyone remember where we parked. |
### Human: Hey, Krusty's in an opera, here in Rome! He can save our lives! Come on, let's go! ### Assistant: Opera? They have that here too? |
### Human: Tell ya what, put on these costumes, go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes. He won't kill ya in front of all those witnesses. ### Assistant: Can I be the Phantom of the Opera? |
### Human: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this. ### Assistant: But I do a great impression of him. |
### Human: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this. ### Assistant: I am the gayest super-villain ever! Beware my scented candles! Oooooo, scented! |
### Human: ### Assistant: It's so beautiful... |
### Human: That's Sideshow Bob! ### Assistant: I know, and he's magic! |
### Human: WHEN A WIFE LOOKS LIKE THAT / AND HER HUSBAND'S SO FAT, THAT'S AMORE! / WHEN SHE KISSES THAT JERK / WHILE I DO ALL THE WORK / THAT'S A... ### Assistant: Hey, knock it off. |
### Human: Where's Reverend Lovejoy? He's never been late for Christmas service. ### Assistant: Maybe he's cheating on us with the Episcopalians. |
### Human: Where's Reverend Lovejoy? He's never been late for Christmas service. ### Assistant: Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky Eucharist. I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font. |
### Human: Now there's no one to deliver the sermon! ### Assistant: Did anyone order a hero? |
### Human: Now there's no one to deliver the sermon! ### Assistant: Okay, Christmas, Christmas... you know how your paper boy always sends you a Christmas card with his home address on it? What's up with that? |
### Human: I wanted you to tip me! ### Assistant: No tip till they bring back Hagar the Horrible! |
### Human: That's not my decision! ### Assistant: Oh, it's never anybody's decision... anyhoo... I'd like to tell you all a little story I call "The First Christmas." |
### Human: Ohhh...! ### Assistant: I know, it's weird, isn't it? |
### Human: It's not over, it's just intermission! ### Assistant: I said we're free! |
### Human: 'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE! Oy! ### Assistant: I TOLD GRAMPA WE'D BE AWAY |
### Human: Merry Christmas, Homie. I think you're really gonna like this. ### Assistant: That's great! Now I'll just get my present for you. Which is... right outside the door. |
### Human: Merry Christmas, Homie. I think you're really gonna like this. ### Assistant: Oh my God, I forgot to get Marge a present! |
### Human: I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me. ### Assistant: Oh, it's just what I wanted. Here, Marge, this is for you. |
### Human: So tell us, what's next for William H. Macy? ### Assistant: I don't care what that letter said. This man raised me single-handedly. When I think of all the things he's done for me... the many times he... |
### Human: So tell us, what's next for William H. Macy? ### Assistant: Lifeguard, huh? |
### Human: ### Assistant: So this guy might be my real father, and his name starts with "M". Moleman? Mr. Burns? M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! |
### Human: Homie, what's wrong? Did those pork chops give you a tummy ache? ### Assistant: The only tummy ache is in my head. I can't stop wondering who my real father might be. |
### Human: Can I help you? ### Assistant: Uh yes, I'm a reporter with the local paper. I'm doing a story on people who... wear sweaters. Do you mind if I ask you some questions? |
### Human: I'd be delighted. But I must warn you, I don't wear a sweater every day. ### Assistant: Interesting. Interesting. |
### Human: Those are raisins. ### Assistant: So, you don't have any shrunken heads? |
### Human: Well, my hat size is a number six. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Well, my hat size is a number six. ### Assistant: That is small, right? |
### Human: It's smaller than average. ### Assistant: |
### Human: And this is the lady in my life. ### Assistant: Uh... you know it's a boat, right? |
### Human: Indeed I do. I loved a real woman a long time ago but uh... it didn't work out. ### Assistant: I'm sure my listeners would love to know the story behind that name. |
### Human: Listeners? I thought you worked for a newspaper. ### Assistant: No... I said I work for a radio station. Nine-eighty on the AM dial but number one with our viewers! |
### Human: Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a TV station? ### Assistant: Uh... well I... I think you're my pappy! |
### Human: Wha...? ### Assistant: I found this letter you wrote to my Mom, Mona Simpson. |
### Human: Dear God. I always dreamed this day would come. And now that it's here, there are so many feelings... I -- I... ### Assistant: Possible Daddy! |
### Human: Dear God. I always dreamed this day would come. And now that it's here, there are so many feelings... I -- I... ### Assistant: I'm sorry... I got a little carried away there. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Marge, I found my real father! His name is Mason Fairbanks, he has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this "Homer, please do that in the loo." |
### Human: Homie, you just met this British man. It's too soon to get so emotionally invested. ### Assistant: Hm, honey, you've given me a lot to think about... tomorrow, when we're on Daddy's boat! |
### Human: And now that treasure is somewhere down there. ### Assistant: Wow, that story had everything: action, treasure, water, a guy... would you like to come to our house for dinner? |
### Human: ### Assistant: Listen, old-timer, I'd like you to meet Mason Fairbanks. |
### Human: I was busy telling young people to get a haircut. ### Assistant: Mason, come see my room! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Who's Mason Fairbanks? |
### Human: This guy. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! |
### Human: Today I'm filled with joy: searching for treasure with my long-lost son. My dream for each of you is that you find the happiness I feel today. ### Assistant: And my dream is to someday wear a real wetsuit instead of one that is just painted on. |
### Human: These waters contain some of Mother Nature's most stunning creatures. ### Assistant: Ha-ha! That's what you get for being luminous, jerks! |
### Human: How do I talk? Push this button here? You're all losers! ### Assistant: Oh, which way did Mason go? That must be him over there. |
### Human: Grab Daddy's keys! ### Assistant: |
### Human: What the... hey... ### Assistant: I drew this picture of you. |
### Human: It may not be much, but it's all I've got. ### Assistant: That is so sweet. |
### Human: I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough. ### Assistant: Dad... |
### Human: Well Homer, now that you're alive again, I'll leave you with your real family. ### Assistant: Wait. Can we have a moment in private? |
### Human: Of course. ### Assistant: As I lay dying on the ocean floor, I remembered everything you've done for me. To Hell with that stupid DNA test and its ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine, nine, seven per cent accuracy -- you're my dad, and I love you. |
### Human: And now there's something I've gotta tell you: I really am your father. ### Assistant: But how? |
### Human: My old one's fine, but ya never know. ### Assistant: Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else. |
### Human: My old one's fine, but ya never know. ### Assistant: Aw, Dad. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Now, why don't you stay for dinner. |
### Human: It would be my pleasure... son. ### Assistant: Send up two hams! |
### Human: It would be my pleasure... son. ### Assistant: Hey, this one's cold! |
### Human: Very well. ### Assistant: |
### Human: No, Homer. Mustn't touch. ### Assistant: |
### Human: I said no, Homer. ### Assistant: |
### Human: All right, nap time. ### Assistant: But I'm not tired! |
### Human: Skinner! ### Assistant: |
### Human: Skinner! ### Assistant: You made that TV show really mad. |
### Human: It's the only place cruel enough to straighten Bart out. They use a proven concept, "tough hate", to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away. ### Assistant: Hmm, this camp's got it all -- climbing some kind of rope thing, wearing a backpack, high-fiving the black kid. It's the perfect thing to straighten you out. |
### Human: Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack. ### Assistant: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system. |
### Human: What's your system? ### Assistant: I don't tell your mother how much I've lost. |
### Human: It seems he was our problem before. Your son's on the no-fly list. ### Assistant: Why, there must be some mistake. |
### Human: Well Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out. ### Assistant: Oh yeah?! You're going to that camp, 'cause I'm gonna drive you there. |
### Human: Yeah, that'll be way more fun than Vegas. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Dad, neither of us wanna go. Why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose? ### Assistant: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp. |
### Human: Fight back, fun Homer! Together we can win! ### Assistant: It's no use. |
### Human: C'mon, Dad, we got a long way to go. You can't stay mad at me the whole time. ### Assistant: Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act. |
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