k19862217/simpsons_script_lines · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 27 594
### Human: Oh yuck, meatloaf! My most hated of all loafs. ### Assistant: That was the end piece. That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog. Go to your room!
### Human: No! This family stinks. Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. ### Assistant: Bart, you listen.
### Human: Oh, go eat some flowers. ### Assistant: My secret shame.
### Human: Ugh! Smithers get it off me. ### Assistant: Bart, you're coming home.
### Human: I suggest you leave immediately. ### Assistant: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst.
### Human: I suggest you leave immediately. ### Assistant: He locked the door! I'll show him.
### Human: That was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of "Wings." ### Assistant: You idiot! He was the most talented one!
### Human: Homer, that's Hans Moleman. ### Assistant: Can I keep him anyway? Huh, huh?
### Human: Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction that Bart's absence has left in our hearts. ### Assistant:
### Human: Let me try one. ### Assistant: Hey, the trail of donuts ended. Bart!
### Human: Hurry! Fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything. The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video, the freedom to do whatever you want. ### Assistant: I'll miss you, son.
### Human: How do you know? ### Assistant: Because one of them hung out with me for a week trying to get my character down.
### Human: I love you guys. ### Assistant: Right back atcha, son. Aw.
### Human: I love you guys. ### Assistant: And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman.
### Human: Cowabunga, dudes. ### Assistant: Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. Heh, heh, heh.
### Human: Yeah, I guess it is guilt. ### Assistant: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early, just because you brought a dog?
### Human: Well, yeah, but -- ### Assistant: Well, I'm off to work.
### Human: The dog has had enough excitement. ### Assistant: But Marge, dogs can never have enough excitement.
### Human: The dog has had enough excitement. ### Assistant: Look! Ree, ree. Ree, ree. Aye, aye. All right, all right, I won't take the dog. C'mere.
### Human: ### Assistant:
### Human: ...with your new principal, Ned Flanders! ### Assistant: How many "s"'s in "innocent"?
### Human: Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the school's being run. ### Assistant: Yes, deeply concerned.
### Human: Well, once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping. ### Assistant: That is true.
### Human: Can't let Dad see me playing hooky. ### Assistant: I can't let the boy see me skipping work.
### Human: Good afternoon. ### Assistant: How do you do, sir?
### Human: Good afternoon. ### Assistant: Sucker.
### Human: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say. ### Assistant: I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow/ meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
### Human: Excuse me, your honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention. ### Assistant:
### Human: Excuse me, your honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention. ### Assistant: Huh?
### Human: Give those glasses to the bailiff. ### Assistant: All right.
### Human: Will the jury retire and come to its decision? ### Assistant: Okay, fine.
### Human: We might as well make it official. ### Assistant: What does sequestered mean?
### Human: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world. ### Assistant: What does deadlocked mean?
### Human: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict. ### Assistant: Uh-huh. And "if"?
### Human: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that." ### Assistant: So "if" we don't all vote the same way, we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
### Human: Let's vote. My liver is failing. ### Assistant: Where we'll get... a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO - Oooh, "Free Willy!"
### Human: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. ### Assistant: Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
### Human: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. ### Assistant: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddie Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
### Human: You know, we're kind of like the original "Odd Couple." You're the messy one and I'm... ### Assistant: Shut up.
### Human: Ew, What a mess. ### Assistant: I don't like this new director's cut.
### Human: You're stealing a table? ### Assistant: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.
### Human: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? ### Assistant: Souvenir.
### Human: Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone. ### Assistant: Great, Marge. I wanna hear all about it.
### Human: Give me those... ### Assistant:
### Human: And those. ### Assistant:
### Human: And those! ### Assistant:
### Human: ### Assistant: Maggie, can you point to the monkey?
### Human: ### Assistant: Pfft. What do babies know?
### Human: Maggie, can you point to the credenza? ### Assistant:
### Human: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. ### Assistant: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh.
### Human: Hey, hey, hey hey, stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. ### Assistant: Ooh.
### Human: It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. ### Assistant: Or, if not then, Christmas.
### Human: Homey, you know, it's funny -- both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely. ### Assistant: Hee, hee, hee, hee. That is funny.
### Human: Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping, or to that room in the library that's always full of old people. "Periodicals," that's it. ### Assistant: Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
### Human: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?! ### Assistant: Oh.
### Human: Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness. ### Assistant: Not at all.
### Human: Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother. ### Assistant: Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed!
### Human: Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love? ### Assistant: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
### Human: Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. ### Assistant: Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you've gotta play it... cool.
### Human: Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. ### Assistant: NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA DO / IF YOU WANT TO GET A KISS / IS ACT REAL SMOOTH / AND MAKE YOUR MOVE LIKE THIS.
### Human: Oh, I see. SO IF I TAKE YOUR ADVICE / AND MAKE YOUR PATENTED MOVE / THEN MY CHANCES FOR LOVE / WILL SLIGHTLY IMPROVE? ### Assistant: NOW WHAT'S THAT RULE?
### Human: Whoop-de-doo, employees! Everyone who's found true love may leave early today! ### Assistant: All right!
### Human: Mom's almost ready for her date. She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa. ### Assistant: Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire, so let's all be extra-nice to him.
### Human: Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. ### Assistant: Yabba-dabba-doo!
### Human: He's an awful, awful, awful man, but I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. ### Assistant: That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys.
### Human: Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged three hundred fifty dollars on your credit card. ### Assistant: What?!
### Human: Don't worry, here's the cash. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! Three hundred fifty dollars!! Now I can buy seventy transcripts of "Nightline"!
### Human: But Dad... ### Assistant: Woo hoo!
### Human: Evil-schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me, and besides, he's a great kisser. ### Assistant: Ew yuuuuck!
### Human: Homer, do you want any cards? Homer? ### Assistant: Whew. Don't try to eat these so-called "chips."
### Human: Do you want another card or not? ### Assistant: Huh? Oh. Okay. I'll take three.
### Human: Do you want another card or not? ### Assistant: I mean, woo hoo!
### Human: I'm in. Let's see your cards. ### Assistant: I was bluffing.
### Human: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just because he's a little slow... ### Assistant: How dare you call me that?!
### Human: We don't think you're slow. But, on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. ### Assistant: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another. Each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!
### Human: Oh Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better. ### Assistant: Take another bath in malt liquor?
### Human: ... There's that. Or, you could take an adult education course. ### Assistant: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?
### Human: That's because you were drunk! ### Assistant: And how.
### Human: Gettin' better! ### Assistant: Wait a minute, even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire and adore him.
### Human: Gettin' better! ### Assistant: That's it! If he can teach a class, he can teach a class. I mean, I can teach a class.
### Human: What is your area of expertise? ### Assistant: Well... I can tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
### Human: No you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can. ### Assistant: I've failed again. Everybody can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?
### Human: Oh, you're married? ### Assistant: That depends. Is there another way to get this job?
### Human: No, Mr. Simpson, what I mean is, we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage. ### Assistant: I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise... Of a family of love. Sha la la la.
### Human: Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. ### Assistant: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.
### Human: I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation? ### Assistant: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.
### Human: Well, Homer, what a pleasant... ### Assistant: Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach.
### Human: Can I take your order? ### Assistant: Nothing for me, today! I've got a class to teach!
### Human: Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box. ### Assistant: It's all right! I'm a teacher.
### Human: Thank you. ### Assistant: Ew. Okay, let's get started.
### Human: Thank you. ### Assistant: No talking.
### Human: Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships? ### Assistant: Yeah, yeah. That'll eat up some time. Uh, how 'bout you, Otto.
### Human: Simpson! ### Assistant: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
### Human: You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! ### Assistant: Uh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye I'm eating an orange. But to the eye that has brains, I am making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
### Human: You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! ### Assistant: First you have the skin, then the sweet, sweet innards.
### Human: I don't understand. ### Assistant: Okay. But then we've got to get to work.
### Human: He's a horrible excuse for an educator. ### Assistant: I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed.
### Human: So something wasn't working in bed, huh? ### Assistant: No, that's not what I meant. Marge and I always talk things over in bed. Like the other night we were fighting about money.
### Human: Trouble in paradise, huh? DERISIVE LAUGH) ### Assistant: I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month.
### Human: Marge dyes her hair? ### Assistant: Oh yeah. She's been gray as a mule since she was seventeen.

### Human: Oh yuck, meatloaf! My most hated of all loafs. ### Assistant: That was the end piece. That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog. Go to your room!

### Human: No! This family stinks. Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. ### Assistant: Bart, you listen.

### Human: Oh, go eat some flowers. ### Assistant: My secret shame.

### Human: Ugh! Smithers get it off me. ### Assistant: Bart, you're coming home.

### Human: I suggest you leave immediately. ### Assistant: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst.

### Human: I suggest you leave immediately. ### Assistant: He locked the door! I'll show him.

### Human: That was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of "Wings." ### Assistant: You idiot! He was the most talented one!

### Human: Homer, that's Hans Moleman. ### Assistant: Can I keep him anyway? Huh, huh?

### Human: Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction that Bart's absence has left in our hearts. ### Assistant:

### Human: Let me try one. ### Assistant: Hey, the trail of donuts ended. Bart!

### Human: Hurry! Fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything. The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video, the freedom to do whatever you want. ### Assistant: I'll miss you, son.

### Human: How do you know? ### Assistant: Because one of them hung out with me for a week trying to get my character down.

### Human: I love you guys. ### Assistant: Right back atcha, son. Aw.

### Human: I love you guys. ### Assistant: And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman.

### Human: Cowabunga, dudes. ### Assistant: Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. Heh, heh, heh.

### Human: Yeah, I guess it is guilt. ### Assistant: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early, just because you brought a dog?

### Human: Well, yeah, but -- ### Assistant: Well, I'm off to work.

### Human: The dog has had enough excitement. ### Assistant: But Marge, dogs can never have enough excitement.

### Human: The dog has had enough excitement. ### Assistant: Look! Ree, ree. Ree, ree. Aye, aye. All right, all right, I won't take the dog. C'mere.

### Human: ### Assistant:

### Human: ...with your new principal, Ned Flanders! ### Assistant: How many "s"'s in "innocent"?

### Human: Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the school's being run. ### Assistant: Yes, deeply concerned.

### Human: Well, once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping. ### Assistant: That is true.

### Human: Can't let Dad see me playing hooky. ### Assistant: I can't let the boy see me skipping work.

### Human: Good afternoon. ### Assistant: How do you do, sir?

### Human: Good afternoon. ### Assistant: Sucker.

### Human: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say. ### Assistant: I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow/ meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

### Human: Excuse me, your honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention. ### Assistant:

### Human: Excuse me, your honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention. ### Assistant: Huh?

### Human: Give those glasses to the bailiff. ### Assistant: All right.

### Human: Will the jury retire and come to its decision? ### Assistant: Okay, fine.

### Human: We might as well make it official. ### Assistant: What does sequestered mean?

### Human: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world. ### Assistant: What does deadlocked mean?

### Human: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict. ### Assistant: Uh-huh. And "if"?

### Human: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that." ### Assistant: So "if" we don't all vote the same way, we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.

### Human: Let's vote. My liver is failing. ### Assistant: Where we'll get... a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO - Oooh, "Free Willy!"

### Human: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. ### Assistant: Uh, how are the rest of you voting?

### Human: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. ### Assistant: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddie Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

### Human: You know, we're kind of like the original "Odd Couple." You're the messy one and I'm... ### Assistant: Shut up.

### Human: Ew, What a mess. ### Assistant: I don't like this new director's cut.

### Human: You're stealing a table? ### Assistant: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.

### Human: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? ### Assistant: Souvenir.

### Human: Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone. ### Assistant: Great, Marge. I wanna hear all about it.

### Human: Give me those... ### Assistant:

### Human: And those. ### Assistant:

### Human: And those! ### Assistant:

### Human: ### Assistant: Maggie, can you point to the monkey?

### Human: ### Assistant: Pfft. What do babies know?

### Human: Maggie, can you point to the credenza? ### Assistant:

### Human: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. ### Assistant: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh.

### Human: Hey, hey, hey hey, stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. ### Assistant: Ooh.

### Human: It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. ### Assistant: Or, if not then, Christmas.

### Human: Homey, you know, it's funny -- both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely. ### Assistant: Hee, hee, hee, hee. That is funny.

### Human: Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping, or to that room in the library that's always full of old people. "Periodicals," that's it. ### Assistant: Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

### Human: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?! ### Assistant: Oh.

### Human: Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness. ### Assistant: Not at all.

### Human: Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother. ### Assistant: Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed!

### Human: Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love? ### Assistant: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!

### Human: Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. ### Assistant: Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you've gotta play it... cool.

### Human: Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. ### Assistant: NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA DO / IF YOU WANT TO GET A KISS / IS ACT REAL SMOOTH / AND MAKE YOUR MOVE LIKE THIS.

### Human: Oh, I see. SO IF I TAKE YOUR ADVICE / AND MAKE YOUR PATENTED MOVE / THEN MY CHANCES FOR LOVE / WILL SLIGHTLY IMPROVE? ### Assistant: NOW WHAT'S THAT RULE?

### Human: Whoop-de-doo, employees! Everyone who's found true love may leave early today! ### Assistant: All right!

### Human: Mom's almost ready for her date. She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa. ### Assistant: Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire, so let's all be extra-nice to him.

### Human: Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. ### Assistant: Yabba-dabba-doo!

### Human: He's an awful, awful, awful man, but I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. ### Assistant: That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys.

### Human: Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged three hundred fifty dollars on your credit card. ### Assistant: What?!

### Human: Don't worry, here's the cash. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! Three hundred fifty dollars!! Now I can buy seventy transcripts of "Nightline"!

### Human: But Dad... ### Assistant: Woo hoo!

### Human: Evil-schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me, and besides, he's a great kisser. ### Assistant: Ew yuuuuck!

### Human: Homer, do you want any cards? Homer? ### Assistant: Whew. Don't try to eat these so-called "chips."

### Human: Do you want another card or not? ### Assistant: Huh? Oh. Okay. I'll take three.

### Human: Do you want another card or not? ### Assistant: I mean, woo hoo!

### Human: I'm in. Let's see your cards. ### Assistant: I was bluffing.

### Human: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just because he's a little slow... ### Assistant: How dare you call me that?!

### Human: We don't think you're slow. But, on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. ### Assistant: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another. Each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!

### Human: Oh Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better. ### Assistant: Take another bath in malt liquor?

### Human: ... There's that. Or, you could take an adult education course. ### Assistant: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?

### Human: That's because you were drunk! ### Assistant: And how.

### Human: Gettin' better! ### Assistant: Wait a minute, even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire and adore him.

### Human: Gettin' better! ### Assistant: That's it! If he can teach a class, he can teach a class. I mean, I can teach a class.

### Human: What is your area of expertise? ### Assistant: Well... I can tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

### Human: No you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can. ### Assistant: I've failed again. Everybody can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?

### Human: Oh, you're married? ### Assistant: That depends. Is there another way to get this job?

### Human: No, Mr. Simpson, what I mean is, we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage. ### Assistant: I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise... Of a family of love. Sha la la la.

### Human: Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. ### Assistant: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.

### Human: I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation? ### Assistant: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

### Human: Well, Homer, what a pleasant... ### Assistant: Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach.

### Human: Can I take your order? ### Assistant: Nothing for me, today! I've got a class to teach!

### Human: Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box. ### Assistant: It's all right! I'm a teacher.

### Human: Thank you. ### Assistant: Ew. Okay, let's get started.

### Human: Thank you. ### Assistant: No talking.

### Human: Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships? ### Assistant: Yeah, yeah. That'll eat up some time. Uh, how 'bout you, Otto.

### Human: Simpson! ### Assistant: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.

### Human: You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! ### Assistant: Uh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye I'm eating an orange. But to the eye that has brains, I am making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.

### Human: You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! ### Assistant: First you have the skin, then the sweet, sweet innards.

### Human: I don't understand. ### Assistant: Okay. But then we've got to get to work.

### Human: He's a horrible excuse for an educator. ### Assistant: I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed.

### Human: So something wasn't working in bed, huh? ### Assistant: No, that's not what I meant. Marge and I always talk things over in bed. Like the other night we were fighting about money.

### Human: Trouble in paradise, huh? DERISIVE LAUGH) ### Assistant: I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month.

### Human: Marge dyes her hair? ### Assistant: Oh yeah. She's been gray as a mule since she was seventeen.