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### Human: "Ankle"? "Foccacia"? What are you talking about? ### Assistant: See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore. The only one who understands me is that guy who married Martha Raye. |
### Human: Don't blame us, Dad. The celebrities are the ones who canned you. ### Assistant: Hmmm... She may not be famous, but she's right. Those big shot stars used me up and spit me out. I did their laundry, got their pictures developed, took their garbage to the dump... And I've still got a car full of their crap. Crap, eh...? |
### Human: I never get tired of that. ### Assistant: Attention starstruck fools! |
### Human: I never get tired of that. ### Assistant: Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec-and-Ron-and-Kim-arabilia. |
### Human: I never get tired of that. ### Assistant: Only 5, no wait 10 dollars. You heard right, 20 dollars. |
### Human: Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's medic-alert bracelet. ### Assistant: That's right, Mister Tough Guy can't handle a little penicillin. Oh, and look at this. We can't even pay our bills and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola. |
### Human: We love celebrities! ### Assistant: Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger! |
### Human: I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again. He always has the most interesting odors. ### Assistant: Ooh, look at me! I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star! I'm so beautiful! I think I'm so great! I'm too important to take Homer to the Oscars. |
### Human: What the -- ? ### Assistant: Gotta-go-thank-you-for-supporting-the-Museum-of-Hollywood-Jerks. |
### Human: Pull over, you maniac! ### Assistant: No! |
### Human: Fine. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Not well. But I'll give it a shot. ### Assistant: Oh, God. |
### Human: You killed Ron Howard! ### Assistant: Okay, I'll stop. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? ### Assistant: Yes, I do. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? ### Assistant: I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone. If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? ### Assistant: In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life. And when you're dead, you'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners. Thank you, Your Honor. |
### Human: Woo hoo! ### Assistant: Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello, old lady from "Titanic"? You stink! |
### Human: Worthless old geezers. ### Assistant: All righty, I'll just-- You stinkin' g-- |
### Human: I'll say. ### Assistant: But with college behind us, we'll need careers. And good ones. |
### Human: Or begging. I know a place that'll saw your legs off... ### Assistant: Slow down, fellas. I've got a way we can keep our legs, and still have a bright future. |
### Human: Now you're dreaming. ### Assistant: Oh, am I? |
### Human: Of course. Nuclear power. ### Assistant: It's the job of tomorrow... today! |
### Human: Really? ### Assistant: Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more, let us choose an electrifying career in... Line. |
### Human: Nuclear power. ### Assistant: Nuclear power. |
### Human: Hey! ### Assistant: Pretty good, huh? |
### Human: I didn't quite get the point of it, Dad. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off? ### Assistant: Well, there were script problems from day one. |
### Human: Didn't seem like anybody even read the script. ### Assistant: That was the problem. The important thing is, after all these years of paying my dues, I'm finally getting some decent parts. |
### Human: You're joining the Screen Actor's Guild? ### Assistant: I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. It chose me. I'm merely a vessel through which genius flows. Now help me make up some phony credits. |
### Human: Fat Guy Number Three? ### Assistant: Good. Good. |
### Human: Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway? ### Assistant: You know... I have no idea. Hey, Dad. What does the "J" stand for? |
### Human: It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking. ### Assistant: But I can't ask Mom. She's on the run from the law. |
### Human: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit. ### Assistant: No! Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will. |
### Human: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application. ### Assistant: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name. |
### Human: Hmm... I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way we can have a nice father son chat. ### Assistant: Great. I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up. |
### Human: This is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell. ### Assistant: Wow, look at this place. There's a pond for skinny dippin', a tire for skinny swingin'... I can actually feel the good vibrations. |
### Human: This is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell. ### Assistant: Oww... ch. |
### Human: Is that... Abe Simpson? Geez, man, we haven't seen you since Woodstock. ### Assistant: You went to Woodstock? |
### Human: Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full? ### Assistant: Lather, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat. |
### Human: Homer J., will you teach us to make love? ### Assistant: Wow, I could have lived like that? |
### Human: Aaanyway, I-I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted. ### Assistant: Ohh, my mother painted that for me? |
### Human: Aaanyway, I-I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted. ### Assistant: Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub. I'll finally know what "J" stands for! From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer...Jay Simpson. It's so beautiful. What a magical gift for my mother to leave me. |
### Human: She also left her old poncho. ### Assistant: I'll treasure this poncho forever. |
### Human: Just lyin' around... never workin'... without a care in... ### Assistant: My head full of long, luxurious, hippie hair. I'll do it! |
### Human: Whuh? ### Assistant: I'm gonna be a hippie, just like Mom wanted. I'm gonna let my spirit soar and love all of God's creatures! |
### Human: Whuh? ### Assistant: Get off, you stupid dog! |
### Human: Now I know how Dean Rusk feels. G'night everybody! ### Assistant: Bummer... love-in... Dean Rusk... By George I've got it! |
### Human: Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato. ### Assistant: Your potato? You can't like own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures. |
### Human: Homer, excuse yourself. ### Assistant: No way, narc. Bodily functions are a natural thing. |
### Human: And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you. ### Assistant: Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. C'mon, I want to see those legs all furry and gross. |
### Human: My eyes have been soiled! ### Assistant: C'mon, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing. |
### Human: Homer, for God sakes, put your poncho on! ### Assistant: Okay, okay. Narc. |
### Human: My man! You've gone granola. ### Assistant: Right on. |
### Human: Join the hack. ### Assistant: That was cool. Think I'll stick around. We've got everything we need right here. Good times, sunshine, free love... |
### Human: Okay, time to get back to work. ### Assistant: Work!? But you're hippies! |
### Human: We grow our own vegetables and process them right here. And we give half the profits to war orphans. ### Assistant: Profits, profits, profits! What kinda hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave. |
### Human: W-We're just trying to pay the bills, Homer. I mean, we're still hippies at heart. ### Assistant: Oh, yeah? When's the last time you freaked out the establishment? You guys are total sellouts. |
### Human: Wait. Don't you work for a nuclear power plant? ### Assistant: Look, we can sit here all day and play the blame game, or we can start freaking people out. C'mon, where's your freak bus? |
### Human: I drive a Saturn. ### Assistant: A Saturn? |
### Human: Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer. But we've got a big order to fill. ### Assistant: Fine. I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for. |
### Human: Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage. ### Assistant: Now your freak flag's flying! Let the freak-out begin! Woo hoo! |
### Human: Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage. ### Assistant: Ohh... we're never gonna freak anybody out with this music. I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds. |
### Human: Thanks for the tip, Homer. ### Assistant: Never fear, the cosmic fool is here to blow the lid off your conformist, button-down world! |
### Human: Weirdos! ### Assistant: Hi, Marge. We're freaking out squares! |
### Human: Oh, Lord. ### Assistant: What's in your brand new bag, mama? |
### Human: Uh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. 48 waist with the balloon seat, right? ### Assistant: Marge. Not in front of the hippies. |
### Human: Oh, please God, don't let them come in here. ### Assistant: Hear ye! Hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed! |
### Human: Oh, please God, don't let them come in here. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! |
### Human: That was fun. I don't know if we actually freaked anyone out, but -- ### Assistant: No, no, no. Marge was definitely freaked out. |
### Human: Our entire shipment is ruined! ### Assistant: Uh. Pretty, uh, freaky, huh? |
### Human: The only people who are going be freaked out are our stockholders. ### Assistant: I'm sensing some negative vibes here. But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother. |
### Human: There won't be any more freak-outs! You're not a hippie, and you never were! ### Assistant: Yes, b-b-but the poncho... |
### Human: Ooh, does this mean you're going to start showering again? ### Assistant: Perhaps in time. |
### Human: Aw, cheer up, Dad. You make a great hippie. ### Assistant: Aww, you're just saying that. |
### Human: And the soles of your feet are jet black. ### Assistant: Well, I do walk through pretty much anything... Ohh, you kids are sweet. |
### Human: W-What happened to our crops? ### Assistant: I picked 'em, juiced 'em, and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved! |
### Human: But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order. ### Assistant: Heh. That's what I thought at first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn -- the one with the camouflage netting. |
### Human: Homer, those were our "personal vegetables." ### Assistant: Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients! |
### Human: Officer, please, we can explain... ### Assistant: Not so fast, Pig! We're making a stand. A freaky stand! You can smash this drug barn all you want, but first you'll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons! |
### Human: Oh, for the love of... there. Now, let's crack some skulls. ### Assistant: Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos, but they can never silence our song of protest. "UPTOWN GIRL / SHE'S BEEN LIVING IN HER WHITE-BREAD WORLD..." Come on, guys... UPTOWN GIRL... |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: Look at yourselves, pointing guns at your fellow man. |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: Hatred is a cage that keeps us from soaring free. Yes, the sixties may be dead and gone, and its spirit long since extinguished, but its ideals live on. |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: Freedom... |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: Love... |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: And peace. |
### Human: Forget the clubs. Just shoot him. ### Assistant: |
### Human: I'm a doctor, not a gardener. ### Assistant: Can't you just prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV? |
### Human: MMMennnn...onite minister will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday. Go in peace. Aaaa-- ### Assistant: Don't make me come up there! |
### Human: ...men. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! |
### Human: No, no one's "going Catholic." Three children is enough, thank you. ### Assistant: Hang in there, son. I'm taking us out for our traditional Sunday brunch. |
### Human: No, no one's "going Catholic." Three children is enough, thank you. ### Assistant: He zinged you, Marge. |
### Human: I feel guilty coming here every Sunday and never actually buying anything. ### Assistant: Why? We're following the rules -- if it has a toothpick in it, it's free. |
### Human: Candy Warhol? Xavier Nougat? ### Assistant: Nooo, nothing made of dead guys. What's in the back? |
### Human: Candy Warhol? Xavier Nougat? ### Assistant: Hurry up. My hands are getting cold. |
### Human: Oh my goodness! Homer, get her out of there! ### Assistant: |
### Human: Oh my goodness! Homer, get her out of there! ### Assistant: Sherbet Hoover? |
### Human: Oh, we've got to get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress. ### Assistant: Ooooh. |
### Human: Oh, we've got to get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Those are eight dollars a pound, sport. ### Assistant: Hmmm, eight dollars a pound... times say, oh, five pounds... is, ummm... let's see, how many pounds in a gallon? Oh, I can't afford that. |
### Human: Those are eight dollars a pound, sport. ### Assistant: Unless... |
### Human: Lobsters need salt water. ### Assistant: I'm way ahead of you. |
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