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### Human: It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does. ### Assistant: Stop! Ow! |
### Human: They're looting the mall. Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers! ### Assistant: I'm caught on something! |
### Human: I don't want you looting! ### Assistant: But I was gonna loot you a present! |
### Human: Oh, all right. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. ### Assistant: Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? |
### Human: I think that was implied by what I said. ### Assistant: Implied, Lisa? Or implode? |
### Human: They're evacuating the Earth! We're saved! ### Assistant: Thank you, sweet clown. |
### Human: They're evacuating the Earth! We're saved! ### Assistant: In death you saved us all. |
### Human: I'm not dead! ### Assistant: I can still hear his voice on the wind. |
### Human: There it is! ### Assistant: Just like the dead clown promised. |
### Human: They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. ### Assistant: That's us! |
### Human: Name please. ### Assistant: Certainly. I am... the, ah, piano genius from the movie "Shine." |
### Human: Uh-huh. And your name is? ### Assistant: Uh... Shiny McShine? |
### Human: Love ya lots! ### Assistant: Good-bye Lisa, remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage. |
### Human: Hey, look, another spaceship! ### Assistant: And there's nobody guarding it. Let's go! |
### Human: Are you still talking about the Earth? ### Assistant: You're right. I gotta let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. |
### Human: Are you still talking about the Earth? ### Assistant: Ooh, there's Ross Perot, Dr. Laura, Spike Lee... |
### Human: Wait a minute. They're not so great. ### Assistant: Okay, but there's... Dan Quayle and Courtney Love... Tanya Harding... Al Sharpton...? |
### Human: Wait a minute. They're not so great. ### Assistant: Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?! |
### Human: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've. 'Cause I'm a big guy. And I'm good with knots. ### Assistant: So we're all gonna die? |
### Human: 'Fraid so. But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh? ### Assistant: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth! |
### Human: Hey, turn those frowns around! ### Assistant: Oh no, Rosie O'Donnell. |
### Human: Hey, turn those frowns around! ### Assistant: Ooo, you don't want to get Zorro mad. |
### Human: Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes. ### Assistant: Not fast enough! |
### Human: Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda? ### Assistant: I have to go to ze lobby! |
### Human: I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. ### Assistant: You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands, either. |
### Human: Touché. ### Assistant: To the top please. |
### Human: Touché. ### Assistant: Swim, my pretties. |
### Human: Your honor has been insulted! This will not stand. ### Assistant: Sh-sh-shh! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Woo! You go, Zorro! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Why that little... He insulted your honor! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Sir, I demand satisfaction. |
### Human: Are you crazy, dude? ### Assistant: I challenge you to a duel. |
### Human: The dude is crazy! ### Assistant: Will you duel, or are you a coward?! |
### Human: My hero! ### Assistant: Uh, uh. "H" is for Homer. |
### Human: Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar, next to the heavyset guy. ### Assistant: Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? |
### Human: All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just saying you ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune. ### Assistant: No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it. You insulted my honor. |
### Human: I-- Your what now? ### Assistant: I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a duel. |
### Human: I-- Your what now? ### Assistant: |
### Human: Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no duelin' glove before, either. ### Assistant: Wow, a free beer! And I owe it all to a little glove slap. GLOVE SLAP... |
### Human: Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no duelin' glove before, either. ### Assistant: BABY, GLOVE SLAP... |
### Human: Suh, your challenge is accepted. ### Assistant: Huh? |
### Human: You'll need a will and headstone, aisle six. ### Assistant: Aisle six? |
### Human: Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. ### Assistant: Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you... What? |
### Human: Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. ### Assistant: Oh. |
### Human: Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. ### Assistant: Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare. This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed. |
### Human: Suh! I say, suh! The time has come! ### Assistant: |
### Human: Oh, no! ### Assistant: He's out there, isn't he? |
### Human: ### Assistant: Hey, I'm not dead yet. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Save me, Marge. I saved you! |
### Human: Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? ### Assistant: Oh Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go. |
### Human: Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, madam. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree. ### Assistant: And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April. |
### Human: Oooh, yes indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settling in for a long stay. ### Assistant: I was afraid of that. Well, goodbye, my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how mu... |
### Human: To continue talking, please deposit ten cents. ### Assistant: Ah, screw it. |
### Human: Where are we gonna live? ### Assistant: Ooh! How 'bout that house? |
### Human: That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows. ### Assistant: Lousy show-offs. |
### Human: Yeah, git yer own habitat. ### Assistant: Come on, Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum. |
### Human: Come back here! Why, you yellow belly... ### Assistant: Come on, move it! |
### Human: Where are we going, Dad? ### Assistant: How should I know? |
### Human: Then why are you driving so fast? ### Assistant: 'Cause I'm trying to think! What would Zorro do? |
### Human: Then why are you driving so fast? ### Assistant: Zo-rrooo! |
### Human: Then why are you driving so fast? ### Assistant: "Rural route 9?" That's it! We can hide out at the farm where I grew up! |
### Human: You mean Grampa's old farm? ### Assistant: Yeah, it'll be fun. Fresh country air, apples for the pickin'... sing-along hayrides... |
### Human: What a dump! ### Assistant: Race ya to the swimmin' hole! |
### Human: What a dump! ### Assistant: Com'on, Maw. Bring the young 'uns! There's no leeches! Lots of snakes, though. |
### Human: Holy moly, we can't stay here. It's full of raccoons. ### Assistant: Just think of 'em as cats with rabies. |
### Human: Holy moly, we can't stay here. It's full of raccoons. ### Assistant: Hello, kitty. |
### Human: Holy moly, we can't stay here. It's full of raccoons. ### Assistant: You little scamp. |
### Human: Are we really gonna live here and grow crops? ### Assistant: Absolutely. This is our big chance. The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins. |
### Human: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling. ### Assistant: That's my girl. Let the agriculture begin! |
### Human: It doesn't sound very tractor-y. ### Assistant: Hang on. |
### Human: It doesn't sound very tractor-y. ### Assistant: And... there. |
### Human: It doesn't sound very tractor-y. ### Assistant: Now we're talkin'! |
### Human: It doesn't sound very tractor-y. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Dad! ### Assistant: Go get Lassie. |
### Human: Well, well, look at the city slicker pullin' up in his fancy German car. ### Assistant: This car was made in Guatemala. |
### Human: Well pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers. ### Assistant: I bought these shoes from a hobo. |
### Human: Well la-dee-da, Mr. Park-Avenue manicure. ### Assistant: I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming. |
### Human: You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. ### Assistant: Aw, what do you know? |
### Human: Well, I know your soil pH is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight, max. ### Assistant: Oh, that's just superstition. |
### Human: Well, I know your soil pH is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight, max. ### Assistant: You watch me. I'll grow something out there. |
### Human: Not if you're plantin' Gummi Bears. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Wow, Dad, this is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted. ### Assistant: Yeah, I hope I can grow some like that. |
### Human: What are you planting? ### Assistant: Oh, a little bit of everything. |
### Human: What are you planting? ### Assistant: Something will thrive in this harsh, merciless soil. |
### Human: What are you planting? ### Assistant: And for those who face nature unafraid, it is they who reap the... ah... I'm down. |
### Human: Paw! ### Assistant: Move the handbrake... |
### Human: ### Assistant: Ohhh, that's heaven. |
### Human: Maybe it needs more fertilizer. ### Assistant: I'm only one man, Marge. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. |
### Human: Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey. ### Assistant: Leave me alone, you big bully. |
### Human: Oh, I'm just razzin' ya. It's my way. Here, have an ear on me. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Dad, if we leave for town right now, we can catch the dinner special at Krusty-Burger. ### Assistant: Sorry, boy. Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out. |
### Human: Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? ### Assistant: Oh, you're right. I'm a coward. I've made such a mess of things. If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow... |
### Human: Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? ### Assistant: Wait a minute. |
### Human: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe? ### Assistant: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. |
### Human: You got that from a movie poster! ### Assistant: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. |
### Human: Where'd you get that? ### Assistant: From the producers of "Waiting to Exhale." |
### Human: Is that plutonium on your gums? ### Assistant: Shut up and kiss me. |
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