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This was all his fault, wasn't it? |
His fight he'd dragged Ariat into fighting. His insistence that he personally be involved...against Ariat's better judgement knowing that he was a component of the spell Cazador wanted to cast. His miscalculation that had led to him being caught. His failures that had led to Ariat throwing himself blindly through a mob... |
Astarion hadn't even stayed by his side to help him...he'd just...run off and left him there. |
Why would he want anything to do with him now? Why would any of them? What kind of friend did that? |
He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, but the movement caused his sleeve to be rubbed painfully across the burns on his arm and he flinched. Not from the physical pain...he'd certainly suffered worse things. He flinched at the reminder. He'd be glad when those went away... |
Still...the man had risked everything to save his life. The least he could do was go and speak with him. |
The walk across the camp to the barn seemed both too long and not long enough at the same time. He saw Karlach pacing just outside and she looked up at him as he approached. She didn't say anything though...simply nodded, gave a strained smile and went back to her pacing. |
There was a time he'd thought she and Ariat had been involved with one another...but both had been pretty quick to reject that notion. Karlach had loudly equated Ariat to a brother...though Ariat hadn't voiced his agreement. Not a denial of the nature of their relationship...but the concept of siblings to a Bhaalspawn ... |
Walking into the barn he saw the large figure of Halsin kneeling by the bale of hay Ariat's bedroll was laid out on. One of his large hands was hovering over his injured side and a faint green gold glow seeped into the wound. It wasn't enough to heal it but Ariat's color and breathing improved. |
The druid looked up as he sensed Astarion's approach, "Ah, Astarion...I'm...surprised to see you." |
Halsin hadn't entirely approved of Astarion though he had always been civil towards him...so long as he behaved himself. |
Astarion laughed a short derisive chuckle, "Yes, well...someone has to come in here and liven things up a bit. Positively dreary in here." |
Ariat coughed and shook his head, "Don't..." He pleaded and Halsin's attention was immediately pulled back to the sorcerer. |
"Ariat, are you...?" Halsin started but Ariat interrupted him. |
"Can we be alone? For a minute?" |
Halsin grunted, "If you are sure?" |
Ariat nodded and smiled, "It's ok." |
Halsin didn't look happy about it, but he eventually nodded, "As you say, my heart. I will not be far if you have need of me." |
Ariat nodded again and Halsin leaned down, pressing his lips to the half elfs forehead in a tender gesture that Ariat lifted his head slightly to press into. The look on his face was open with raw emotion as if the simple gesture of comfort meant far more to him than it would most people. The love in his face was plain... |
The look faded back behind that stoic mask of his when his eyes turned back to Astarion. He knew enough to know it meant nothing against him. Ariat expressed himself intensely...or not at all. There simply wasn't anything in between. |
The silence stretched an uncomfortable time before Astarion finally shook himself free of the awkwardness, "Well, you've certainly seen better days, my friend." |
Ariat snorted, smirked faintly, then grimaced, "Don't make me laugh...please. Trust me, I've looked worse." |
"Yes, if I recall...you did use your face to open an Illithid pod...but the scar is quite fetching, so I still think you won out in the end. I don't know what you're complaining about." |
Ariat shook his head, "...stop." though his tone showed his amusement more than his expression. |
Astarion smiled as if he had won some victory then slowly it faded, "...Yes, well...I just...wanted to say thank you. For saving me...and...well everything really." |
Ariat blinked and his stoic mask melted into that damndable look of affection of his, "...of course." Just as quickly his expression flipped and became more intense, his eyes gaining that lizard like intensity they sometimes got. The look that made the hairs on the back of Astarions neck stand on end, "I was never goin... |
His voice had changed as he spoke, becoming increasingly unhinged, and that eerie fever bright glow came to his eyes. He smiled at him wickedly and abruptly tried to sit up, injury seemingly forgotten. He didn't make it far and Astarion noticed for the first time the vines wrapped around his limbs holding him to the be... |
He swallowed hard and held in a sound of pain, "...sorry. It's...harder to hold it back when I'm weakened like this..." |
"Oh, don't apologize. That other you isn't always so disagreeable. When he's on my side, of course." Astarion said with his usual flippant smile. |
Ariat gave him a long stare that became briefly sad before it flattened again into that careful nothing, "...if you could see what it shows me in my head, you wouldn't think so, but...thank you." |
"For what, darling?" |
"For not being afraid of me...for not treating me differently. For listening to me." |
Astarion blinked in surprise but couldn't think of what to say before Ariat continued. |
"Can I...ask you something?" |
Astarion shook his head and cleared his throat, "Of course..." |
"Do you think...do you think if Dame Aylin ever wanted to follow someone other than Selune...she could?" |
The question was so unexpected and yet...Astarion could sense the seriousness of it, could connect the dots before they were laid out. |
"She's the daughter of Selune...her champion...do you think she could just decide not to be? If she really wanted to? And...if the answer is no...what does that mean for someone like me? How can I choose to turn away from my blood...how is that possible for me, but not for her?" |
Ariat frowned, "What...?" |
"I think people choose what is easiest for them in the moment given their circumstances. What is good and what is evil? Perspective, darling. Dame Aylin is the champion of her mother because that is what she and all she has ever known has wanted for her. She has lived her life exalted, even worshiped, in her mother's n... |
Ariat listened silently though he could tell it wasn't quit sinking in all the way yet. |
"...I think you, or who you used to be before we got these lovely little worms in our skulls. I think whoever that person was...they were the same as she. It was easy to be as they were because all those around them wanted them to be that way." |
"What makes someone a villain or a hero? My dear...we are ALL the heroes in our own stories." he said, holding his arms out to his sides. |
"I am a monster." Ariat said matter of factly. |
"...No. You're not. I have seen monsters and YOU, Ariat, are not that." Astarion affirmed, "And you are not the same as you were...and so you are not the same as she is either. The difference is that now...you find yourself with people who want something different from you...and so you want something different for your... |
Ariat laughed weakly at that, though it sounded bitter, "You make it sound so easy." |
"Who says it is not?" |
Ariat turned his head away briefly and Astarion thought he might stop talking to him, but eventually he turned back, "...I don't know what's going to happen when we go to face Orin. I know we have to. I know we need her nether stone...so we HAVE to kill her. The problem is...I really want to kill her. Every part of me ... |
Astarion watched him struggle to compose himself briefly before he could continue, "I can deny The Urge. I can do it...I know I can. I can see the images in my head, feel it in my blood, and turn away from it...but...I can't turn away from this one. I WILL have to kill her...and I don't know what's going to happen to m... |
"You don't see the things I see in my head...you don't know the things I did...that other me, did. I used to wish I remembered more but...now...every memory I get back, I'm terrified. With every bit I get back...what do I lose?" |
Astarion "s eyes widened subtly, "...I wasn't aware you were getting your memories back...what-" |
"Shadowheart healed me once during the fight and...something happened. Something...fixed in my head and..." He stopped talking abruptly, briefly frozen by the horrors of whatever he was recalling, then his eyes snapped up to meet Astarion's, "I deserved what happened to me...every bit of it. Worse. I don't deserve to b... |
"You should have left me to die in that dungeon. You should let me die now." |
Ariat abruptly pulled against the vines, one hand struggling to reach his own injured side and Astarion realized that maybe they were in place for more reasons than controlling his Urge. The vines tightened and Ariat collapsed, too weak to continue. |
He shook his head weakly, "I...I did this. All of this. It was me...you should kill me." |
"No." Astarion said firmly, "Now...you listen to me. We get to choose. You remember? YOU told me that. Now you, what? You want to choose...this?!" he said making a sharp motion with one hand, a look of disgust on his face. |
"So, maybe that you that you once were was involved in all of this...mess. So what...you aren't him." Astarion said firmly. |
"What if I become him again?" |
"Then we'll deal with it if that happens...but you are not him, and if you must insist on atoning for it all? Fix all his messes? Well, you have to be alive for that, darling. Death solves nothing, but...if you want it so very badly." Astarion drew a dagger from his belt, "...it is your choice, after all." |
Ariat's eyes fixed on the dagger's blade and for a moment Astarion feared his bluff was about to be called. Thankfully that moment passed and Ariat shook his head. He nodded, hiding his relief, and tucked the dagger away again. |
"If I slip...will you do it? Will you stop me? Before I hurt anyone else?" Ariat's voice pulled him out of his relief but the smile he pulled in response was one of his usual ease. |
"Oh, my dear, in a heartbeat." |
Ariat refused to play his games and met his joking tone with one of complete seriousness, "Promise me." |
Astarion straightened, his expression one of solemn seriousness, then he bowed low, "You have my word." |
Ariat relaxed and smiled, "...thank you." |
"Yes, now...you just focus on getting better. The elder brain isn't going to destroy itself, you know." He said and walked out of the barn with his usual flourish. |
He headed towards his tent with determined strides...then continued right past it, leaving the camp completely and heading towards the nearby beach. He only stopped when he reached the edge of the water, just short of the waves touching his boots. Alone...he let the confident pretense fall away. He pulled out the dagge... |
Face twisting with sudden disgust he threw the dagger into the waves. |
The walk into the dark under the sewers, into this hidden city behind its sealed stone doors, was a long one...or so it seemed. This descent towards the Temple of Bhaal, the air filled with the scent of old blood and decay...becoming fresher as they went. It was hard to believe they were really under the city, that suc... |
Ariat was leading the way down into the darkness, but Astarion couldn't help but notice the way his steps went from hesitant to growing in confidence the further they went. He was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed at first. The only one so attuned to their companions" body language to see the subtle ways he c... |
It wasn't until they had passed over the bridge and dispatched the assassins that had challenged them there, that he knew he wasn't the only one uneasy with it all. |
Ariat stood over the pile of ashes that was all that remained of the Bhaalist who had dared to test his right to be inside his father's temple and looked up to face the others who still stood in the parapets, bows in hand. Whispers filled the hush of the corridors. Filled with awe. Then they were gone, vanishing into t... |
"Hey, steady, Soldier. Hold up a minute, ok?" Karlach broke the silence to put a hand on the half elfs shoulder as he tried to head forward, "Let's take a rest, make sure you're at your best, yeah?" |
Ariat snapped a glare on the Tiefling, the look one of annoyed and haughty outrage, not one any of them were used to seeing on his face. For a brief moment they knew they were looking at someone completely different. |
Then that moment passed, he blinked, and nodded hastily, "...yeah...you're right. Thanks." |
The others set up camp in the cleanest area they could manage to find, a small space in comparison to their usual campsites, but Ariat took a seat on a chair a fair distance away. He didn't bother to change out of his armor and when Shadowheart came up beside him and touched his arm he flinched away from her in a sharp... |
It hadn't been missed by anyone that Ariat hadn't been acting like himself since their fight with Cazador. He hadn't been sleeping through the nights and his mind seemed...preoccupied. His control less than perfect. Still, it hadn't been of any true concern until the matter of having to face the Bhaalists tribunal. Tra... |
He'd gone about it all in such a way that it was easy to see the killer he had been, a little bit too easy for him to do, but in the end, it was only the other killer who wound up dead. |
...then they reached the actual tribunal room...and he left them behind to go in alone. |
Only to return to them covered head to foot, completely soaked in blood. |
The others could make excuses for him even as he refused to discuss anything that happened himself, but Astarion knew. He could smell it. |
What reason could there possibly be for their often-troubled friend to come out of that place covered in the blood of a certain celestial investigator? |
Certainly nothing good. |
Astarion left the illusion of safety the campfire provided and joined Ariat in the darkness. He didn't say anything, just stood next to him to stare into the shadows with him. When Ariat finally spoke...it wasn't out loud. Astarion felt that familiar tingle in his head as their tadpoles connected. Most of the time Asta... |
~You're worried about me...you should be.~ Ariat said, his eyes not leaving the shadows as he stared into them, gold eyes catching the light just enough to reflect it back with a greenish glow, not unlike a cats. |
Astarion looked down at him in acknowledgement but didn't say anything yet. |
~It's just...this place. I know I've walked down these paths. Climbed these stairs...it's like my mind has forgotten but my body still knows it. And the smell...it's...~ He paused and closed his eyes, taking a breath and letting it out again in a long sigh, ~...it feels like...coming home. A home I don't remember but..... |
He winced suddenly and hissed through his teeth in pain, one hand going up to press against the left side of his head, behind his ear. It wasn't easy to see through his hair, but Astarion knew the thick knot of scars that covered the back of his head. The soft spot on his skull behind his ear. It wasn't difficult to gu... |
Connected by their tadpoles as they were Astarion felt the echo of that pulsing pain as Ariat's ruined brain tried to piece together memories that just...didn't exist anymore. A brief, hazy flash of disjointed images that told them nothing before it faded away again. |
Astarion turned up his head away from him and his nose wrinkled as he considered the place they were currently residing...with literal butchered bodies on tables just one room away, ~The underground crypt aesthetic certainly has its charms...but I'd prefer something...cleaner, at the very least.~ |
Ariat looked up at him with a smile, one eye still half shut in a wince, ~...you're in the temple of the wrong God for that, sorry to disappoint.~ |
~Clearly.~ Astarion agreed and made a shooing motion with his hands as if he could ward off the mess around them, ~The sooner we leave, the better. I'm undead and even I'm worried I'm going to catch some disease down here.~ |
Ariat's smile faded but he eventually nodded, ~Right...I don't think we have to worry about anyone else standing against us from here on in. Bhaal wants Orin and I to fight. He can't choose a leader for his cult with both of us standing. We'll always be driven to destroy each other.~ |
~That seems...so...messy. Why not just pick a Chosen like all the other gods do?~ Astarion asked with an air of consternation. |
Ariat smirked and shrugged, ~I don't know...but I think we should be glad for it, all things considered. If Orin hadn't betrayed me...you'd be fighting me instead.~ |
Astarion looked back down at him but there was no humor on Ariat's face this time. Astarion had to suppress a shudder at the thought. The sorcerer was a powerful man. He wouldn't want to be in a fight against him, ~Happy to have had a hole punched through your skull...of all the things to be grateful for.~ |
~But I am, Astarion. I'm glad. I may only know bits and pieces of who I used to be...but I know that that man never knew peace. He didn't know what friendship was. Never knew a lover's touch...not as I know it. He couldn't feel the things I feel. The only people who ever showed him true affection, ever truly cared abou... |
~Yes, well...you might want to reassure one of those lovers of yours before she decides you're not worth the trouble.~ Astarion said and glanced back behind them towards Shadowheart. |
Ariat cringed, ~I didn't mean to hurt her...I couldn't help it. Being down here...being touched...it feels wrong. I don't mean it. My body is reacting without me telling it to.~ |
~Be that as it may, my dear, you are telling this to the wrong person. Come, you need to rest. Eat something at least.~ |
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