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"I did say I find it interesting," Astarion said. "And I sort of told Lae'zel to go fuck a gnoll earlier and I'm hiding until she calms down." |
"Oh gods, you didn't!" |
"I'd never seen you so upset!" he admitted. "Mind flayers, hags, goblins...vampire spawn...I'm certain you could stare The Dead Three in the face and not so much as flinch...but one of our own expressing interest in you and then lashing out when you reject them caused you to recoil like that...Well...Like I said, I'd s... |
"And you told her to fuck a gnoll..." Tav couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter. "How are you not dead?" |
"I said something about showing you the same courtesy you've shown all of us and here I am." He replied with a flourish. |
"Well, I suppose I should indulge your curiosity as thanks for having my back," Tav awkwardly said. "I've never really had anyone be in my corner about this...So, right, romance...what do you want to know?" |
"From the sounds of it you'd be interested in a romantic relationship, what do you want out of one if you were to say, get to know someone and they confessed their love to you?" Astarion asked. "Hypothetically speaking of course." |
Was he up to something? She couldn't tell. |
"This stays between us right?" Tav asked hesitantly. |
And here Astarion scoffed. "If you think I'm trying to get intel to pass on to the others, the answer is no, I'm not. This is our little secret." |
"Good, I've already made enough of a fool of myself today," Tav replied. "i suppose if I did wind up in a romantic relationship, We'd talk things out, set boundaries, make sure neither of us feel forced to do anything they don't want, have everyone on the same page...then I'd probably by the person flowers." |
"I know, normally the men buy the women flowers, but it's still a sweet gesture that I think should be reciprocated," Tav replied. "Along with going to dinner, or lunch, or just going and doing an activity as a couple, having fun in much the same way one would with friends, but with the knowledge and intent that is rom... |
"And I suppose living together and having children in somewhere in that domestic little fantasy of yours too?" Astarion quipped. |
"If only I were so lucky, but yes. I'd adopt," Tav admitted. "Even before the tadpole I was never healthy enough to risk carrying a child, and never really thought about children of my own, money has always been a bit too tight for that, but if I had the money, the time, the freedom to do that...I'd like to take in an ... |
"I wasn't poor, if that's what you mean," Tav said. "But not upper class either, always had to plan ahead with how much money to spend, never had the freedom to really go on a spending spree or indulge myself." |
"Hm, I'll have to see about changing that..." Astarion said. "Maybe slip a few coins off some unsuspecting folks to lighten the burden?" |
"And I'll talk our way out of trouble if you get caught," Tav replied. |
"If I get caught." |
"You needn't go through the trouble on my account." Tav insisted. "We make do, don't we?" |
"And I happen to think you should have the chance to splurge a bit, buy yourself something nice," Astarion replied. "When we reach a larger city, I'll take you shopping." |
"Yes, you, me, a small mountain of coin, and everything the world has to offer, what do you say?" He said and nudged her playfully. |
"Sounds like fun, if we can get the gold to afford it." |
"You just leave that to me," He replied. "Do you think we can wander back to camp without a certain Gith trying to cut our heads off?" |
"I'll talk her down, you might have to apologize..." |
"Darling, you and I both know I won't mean it." |
"Yes but, thank you for sticking up for me." Tav said. "Hopefully I can smooth things over with everyone once I figure out who else is interested in me..." |
"Well, I could tell you," Astarion pointed out. "But I think I'll watch you figure it out for yourself." |
"It's everyone, isn't it?" |
"There's no harm in asking them, you know." He said. "After that little row with Lae'zel I doubt you'll have to deal with anyone reacting as harshly as she did." |
No harm in asking? |
And so, Tav asked The pale Elf what he thought of her. |
"What I think of you?" Astarion repeated and Tav made a noise that was the vocal equivalent of a shrug. |
"You accepted my oddities thus far," The violet-skinned tiefling replied and pushed some of her thick, scruffy silver-grey hair away from her face. She tucked the unruly lock of hair behind the base of a horn. "I wanted to know where we stand before I have to face the music with everyone else." |
She watched the vampire look her up and down, taking in her appearance from her rough, black-tipped white horns to her long tail. |
"I...don’t know," he said after a moment, confusion upon his face. "At first, I wanted to win you over, seduce you because you were my only chance for survival in all of this." |
"Oh, you would have been trying for years." She said dryly. "Assuming I even caught on to any flirting you actually did." |
"Believe me, I had been trying," Astarion said. "And every hint I had been dropping had flown right over your pretty horned head." |
"But oddly enough, I’ve found that I quite like this strange little friendship we have going on," he continued. "You trust me, you genuinely care, and that is something I’ve never really had before. I didn’t know what to make of it at first...I think I do now." |
"What, just because I don’t find you sexually attractive?" She asked. |
"No, because you genuinely give a damn," Astarion replied. "At first, I thought you were just trying to get everyone to like you for convenience’s sake, or that you had some ulterior motive, but you actually want to be friends with everyone one of these tadpole-infested weirdos. With me, a vampire spawn. It’s almost ma... |
His admission gave her pause, she had been so focused on helping, on everything that needed to be done, that she had neglected one crucial component. |
Herself, who she was, what she was, and what that meant if she was to see this adventure to its conclusion. Astarion had hit the nail on the head, she did care about everyone at camp, some more than others simply due to how their different personalities clashed at times. But all in all, she wanted to help them. |
But could she trust them? |
Could she trust him? |
The answer she came to was, probably, she had more secrets than what had recently been revealed about her. Her plans had hinged on simply being the group’s leader, the face, the one the others could confide in without fear or judgement, and she would fight tooth and nail for their freedom. |
Astarion had a right to know though. They all did. Trust went both ways; friendship went both ways. At this moment it didn’t matter if he and half the camp wanted in her pants, it wasn’t like any of them could control who they were attracted to, or what kinds of attraction manifested. |
She was practically a mystery to them, and they liked her anyway. |
The right thing to do was to bring to Her Truth to light, to confide in her friends the same way she had done for them. But as the quiet night stretched on, the less sure she was of whether she could reveal all that she had been hiding from her companions. |
"I kept things to myself because if everyone reacts badly to my lack of attraction, or how I experience romantic love, then how would they react to other things?" She admitted. "I have moments where I’m worried sick that I would lose all the wonderful people I’ve grown to care for. I yearn to truly be myself around you... |
Astarion studied her for a moment. "Is it something to do with your patron? Something that devil Raphael said?" he looked concerned. "...You trusted me with my vampirism, my need for blood, you can trust me with this." |
She felt raw, emotions frazzled and still somehow terrified of the what ifs. The temptation to use her power, to peer into the finite possibilities and outcomes before her was strong, but...even such power had rules and limitations. |
And said rules existed for this exact situation, as per her pact, any deviation or addition to the finite made by her actions were something she had to live with. It was Truth, it was Law. |
And thus, her choices limited, she gambled on her trust, and her care towards him. |
"I...I’m overwhelmed," she admitted. "I’m dreading the conversation that is bound to happen either as soon as we return to camp, or tomorrow morning...I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can handle sharing any other big revelations just yet. But later, I promise. Once I’ve calmed down a bit." |
Scratch moved from her side and the dog crawled into her lap. He pressed himself to her stomach and looked at her with as much concern as a dog could muster. |
"It’s alright my friend, there is no danger here," he said and the tiefling had forgotten she still had speak with animals active. "You are safe, the pale one and I will protect you." |
"This means a lot you, doesn’t it?" Astarion noted and she nodded. |
Scratch’s weight against her was grounding, comforting and she ran a hand through his fur. Some of the everything she was feeling drained away as she focused on the warm, fluffy canine instead of the myriad of worries that plagued her. |
"It’s alright," Astarion said gently. "I’ll still be here when you feel up to talking about it." |
"And," he said. "I will be right by your side when the rest of our companions inevitably ask about why you were so rattled earlier." |
"Thank you," she replied sincerely. "I’m sorry you have to see me in this state...I’m prone to worrying about things when the hour grows late." |
It was a horrid feeling, some nights she would be plagued with a mix of worry and dread that made her heart race and her mind restless to the point that sleep was impossible. She was lucky that her frazzled state this night did not turn into such a terrible state of being. |
It was just silly, simple worries she had battled time and time again, and felt all the more foolish for never truly besting them. |
"Well, I don’t mind keeping you company. When we first met, you mentioned you were working as an entertainer in Baldur’s Gate before you got abducted," Astarion mentioned. "Have any interesting stories to tell?" |
"Well, it was part of my apprenticeship," the tiefling explained. "I was working towards becoming a certified bard, I took jobs in the lower city and followed the advice of a local bard who saw I was good with a violin." |
"That did not pan out, obviously," She added. "It was the behaviour of my audience rather than any lack of skill on my part that drove me away from the profession." |
"Oh dear, what happened?" the vampire asked. "I think you would make a fine bard." |
"Well, let’s just say drunks can be very obvious with their flirtations, and I didn’t take kindly to it," she said. "A few tried to pursue me, others sought to...fix me when I tried to explain myself, and my mentor thought I was overreacting, or too prudish for the profession when much of my work revolved around bawdy ... |
"It was not the content of my performances that irked me, I will revel and enjoy such things in discussion or in the written word as much as I wish," she added. "But simply that I was seen as a conquest, a thing instead of a person, and a good many were insulted by my refusal to indulge their wants. So, I quit rather t... |
Astarion was quiet for a moment. |
"I...I think that was rather brave of you," he eventually said. "I’m not sure I would have done the same were I in your position." |
"I would call it cowardice, not brave," the tiefling replied. "Nothing happened, it was just jeers, remarks, just words. I was never...nothing truly horrible ever happened during my performances. Yet, I cam never seem to find my spine when it comes to people lusting after me. Maybe I should have held my tongue, just go... |
"But you’re here," Astarion said meaningfully. "Granted, you have a tadpole in your head, same as the rest of us, but you had the chance to get out, to leave that situation behind. And not everyone is able to take that chance even when its offered...or have the chance at all." |
That was...a very good point once she thought about it. She made a choice to not compromise her own well-being, nor her morals and boundaries. As she thought back on the guild, the regret, the revulsion that had hit her whenever someone had been blatant in their desires for her...she realised it would have been easy t... |
But she had refused, she had chosen to quit, and she couldn’t deny that it had been a bit of a relief. |
Then why did she still feel regret? |
"I miss it sometimes," she admitted. "On sunny days when I didn’t have work, I would play my violin out in the street, make a game of my stories with the children, and simply enjoy the fine weather and music." |
"Then why let other’s opinions take that away from you?" Astarion stated. "If you want to work on becoming a bard, to revel in music and spin tales of wonder, then let no one tell you otherwise." |
He smirked. "And if anyone tries any unwanted advances, I’ll be more than happy to...remove them from the audience." |
She laughed. "I think it will be a while before I try to perform for a public audience...But I might see if any of my old talents could be useful in combat or try a song or two in camp once in a while." |
Maybe in the company of friends, she could pick up the skill again. |
Provided she could survive the coming dawn. |
Morning came all too quickly for her liking. Her companions, teammates, friends all sat around the firepit on logs, rocks, and whatever seating they had salvaged when camp was first set up. |
Tav sat on a log, her food barely touched. Astarion right next to her nursing a cup of wine, the only other thing he could still taste as a vampire. |
"Hey soldier, you feeling alright?" Karlach asked. "You’ve hardly touched your plate." |
"Perhaps she was kept up last night," Lae’zel suggested with a glare towards the violet tiefling and the pale elf. "After all, neither of you returned to your bedrolls last night." |
The githyanki tsked. "You should have simply said you were involved with someone else instead of the ridiculous excuses you gave me last night." |
"We didn’t have sex," Astarion so eloquently said. His gaze turned steely. "Isn’t it odd that I was the only one to go rushing to offer help to our glorious leader? Weren’t any of you concerned?" |
"Of course we were!" Wyll said. "But what happened exactly? Lae’zel told us that Tav was overreacting." |
Said tiefling held up a hand to silence the stream of questions that soon followed. |
Her voice was calm, her expression a mask of indifference. |
"It was not an excuse, nor an exaggeration," she stated as eldritch power thrummed beneath her skin in concert with her words. "I do not find anyone sexually desirable, and I have little interest in the act itself. Attraction to others in such a manner simply does not happen, there is no draw, no pull, no spark of desi... |
"But...and I can’t believe I’m saying this," Shadowheart began. "I agree with Lae’zel, that sounds impossible, surely you’ve found someone attractive?" |
"Attractive, in the way one would find a painting beautiful," Tav explained further. "Attractive, in the sense one would look at a bird and find it pretty...But never in the way you mean. Never have I looked upon someone and felt drawn to them in a sexual manner." |
"How absurd..." Lae’zel dryly remarked. |
"I still don’t understand," Shadowheart added. "Perhaps you haven’t met the right person yet, there’s bound someone out there for you." |
"Now there’s nothing wrong with having a preference—" Gale said. |
"Gale, it is not a preference," Tav said flatly. |
"No? Perhaps a hormonal imbalance, a side effect of a lessened sexual appetite?" the wizard suggested. "No shame in that mind you, everyone is different after all." |
She was speechless, rendered mute as if Gale had slapped her. Emotional pain, anger, guilt all blossomed anew, and it was only due to sheer force of will that she kept her mask of calm in place. |
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