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She would not break, not in front of them anyway. |
"Can you all just shut up for a minute!" Astarion snapped and she glanced over to see he looked ready to stab someone. "Gods, do you hear yourselves? Imagine making those remarks to someone who only liked men, or women, or both, or everyone?" |
"He’s right," Karlach added. "So what if Tav is a little different, as her friends we should try to understand her rather than assuming we know better." |
"And besides," Wyll spoke up. "That doesn’t automatically mean she’s some cold, heartless bastard incapable of love." |
"No one said that." Shadowheart pointed out sharply. |
"But you were thinking it, I could tell," Wyll argued back. "That if she doesn’t find anyone sexually attractive, then there must be something wrong with her, or how could she ever find love without the intimacy of sex?" |
Wyll looked at Gale, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart much like a disapproving parent. "You’re looking for a reason, an excuse, anything to explain away what she’s just told us about how she sees the world, how she sees us." |
"I just—how can that be possible?" Shadowheart asked Tav. "Surely you still have...needs." |
With an icy glare, anger had won out over the hurt for a moment. Tav snapped her fingers, and in a flash of green eldritch light, a stack of well-read books appeared on the ground in front of Shadowheart. |
"I still have needs, yes, my sexual appetite is independent of my lack of attraction," she explained curtly. So very much done with the sheer disrespect coming from these people, and so very hurt by those she would call friends. "This, is but a small portion of my collection of erotica." |
"As in...Oh," Shadowheart realized as she opened a book and glimpsed some of its contents. She blushed as she quickly slammed the book shut and returned it to the pile. "I apologize, such a concept is all rather new to me." |
"Could I borrow some of those?" Astarion asked. |
"Later." Tav replied. |
"This is new to a lot of us I expect," Gale added and looked thoughtful. "Wanting to take things slow I understand, but this? This is fascinating. Would that mean love works differently for you because of that lack of sexual attraction?" |
"They are independent from one another," Tav explained and dismissed her summoned books. "While I am only romantically attracted to men, such romantic whims only transpire once I truly know someone, understand them, trust them. Not before, and never due to factors such as appearance, wealth, or other initial impression... |
And before more comments and questions could arise, she stood up and gestured for silence once more. She needed an out, an escape before the cracks began to show and she truly broke into the pitiful, sobbing, emotional mess behind the mask. |
"We have a druid to rescue and goblins to kill, and I tire of being your teacher for the day," she said. "Astarion, Karlach, and Gale, get ready to leave." |
"Aye-aye soldier!" Karlach said with a salute as Tav walked over to her tent to retrieve her gear. |
She wasn’t sure what she had been hoping for. That her friends would understand? That even if they didn’t, they would take at her word and respect her? |
She knew that some of them would more than likely not truly see her lack of attraction for what it was, but even then, she had not expected their conclusions and explanations to hurt so much. |
She thought she was used to feeling othered, to the emotional wounds caused by reaching out and being so...misconstrued by others. |
But as she moved to put on her armour, she felt the lump in her throat and hot sting of tears behind her eyes. She was frustrated at herself for being so sensitive, so weak. She could peer into the finite futures that awaited them, could stare down the most dangerous of foes and talk circles around her enemies. |
She could alter the world around her by speaking a language unknown to man or god alike...yet here she was struggling to maintain her composure. |
She heard footsteps and took a deep, shaky breath to regain some sense of normalcy. She needed to put herself together, and fast. |
It did not help in the slightest. |
"I think you handled that rather well all things considered." Astarion said from behind her. |
"I could have used our tadpoles to simply show them," she remarked. She kept her back to him, and she hoped her voice did not betray her fraying emotions. "But I wanted them to take me at my word, as I have done for all of them. That was clearly a poor decision on my part." |
"Darling, you have too much faith in people." |
She knew that and gods did it bite her in the backside more times than she could count. Her throat felt tight. She hated getting so emotional over nothing, she was better than this, logically she knew this would all blow over by evening, the hurt forgotten after a day spent slaughtering goblins. |
But in the moment, she felt guilty for how she was feeling, for reacting so strongly to the situation. |
Her nose was starting to run, and she discreetly tried to sniff and wrangle in her emotions into something passable as calm. |
"Are...are you alright?" She heard Astarion ask hesitantly. |
"Honestly, far from it," She replied weakly. She took another deep breath. "But I will be...I—I’m not even sure what I’m so upset about...I’ll be fine." |
"We have a job to do," she stated hollowly before he could say anything else. "Better get ready to head out." |
A day spent making headway through the goblin camp had dulled the hurt to nothing more than a headache that pounded away between her eyes and a bone-deep weariness that sapped her drive to do something as simple as her nightly rounds. |
So, the tiefling warlock sat in her simple tent, nothing more than an old, grey, sturdy tent she had picked up during her time in Baldur’s Gate, and began planning how to approach the rest of the goblin camp. Her late night meal of bread, meat, and cheese barely touched and off to the side as she turned her attention t... |
Priestess Gut had been easy to kill, convinced to talk in private, Astarion and Karlach had made quick work of her once she was isolated from the other goblins. |
The fight had truly begun once Tav had spoken circles around Dror Ragzlin, and then signaled to Karlach to shove the hobgoblin off his throne and into the yawning abyss below. From there the goblin camp had been akin to a hive of angry hornets. |
By the time they had cleared out most of the main rooms, everyone was exhausted, and she wasn’t sure if the sweat starting to form on her skin and the unease roiling in her gut was due to her exhaustion, or a symptom of the tadpole that wriggled behind her eye. She had a feeling she knew what this was. |
Her plans to draft a strategy to deal with the drow and free the druid was interrupted when someone tapped on the closed flap of her tent. |
With her hands starting to ache, and her suspicions confirmed. she wanted nothing more than to leave the confines of her tent and seek out a quiet area of the camp to await what she knew was to come. |
But she had a duty to these people, and so she hauled herself off the pile of cloth and furs she covered the floor of her tent with and opened the tent flap. |
She stared blankly at Gale and Shadowheart, both of whom looked sheepish, and Astarion who stood behind them with a stern look. |
"Is something the matter?" She asked. |
The vampire spawn rudely nudged Gale with his foot. "Well...Go on." |
"I’m getting to that!" the wizard hissed back and cleared his throat as he turned his attention back to Tav. "It’s about this morning, I believe I owe you an apology...I said some things that, thanks to Astarion, I realize now were a bit insensitive of me to assume." |
"I also wish to apologize, properly this time," Shadowheart added. "As I said, this is all new to me, I can hardly understand it...but I should have taken the time to think about how inappropriate my remarks and questions were to you." |
Tav observed them, a hint of her eldritch power glided over the wizard and cleric to search for any insincerity. The pair shivered as the foreign power washed over them, but they bore her scrutiny without complaint. |
Though they had been pressured to apologize, to see the effect their words had. Both were truly apologetic, and while they did not understand, she was something strange, alien to them in this regard, they realised that seeing her as such because of her differences did hurt her, and greatly so. |
They did not understand, would never understand, but were willing to learn, and regretted the harm they had unintentionally caused. |
A pang of bitterness rose within her, that they had needed someone else to point out their misstep was almost as insulting as their remarks that morning. As much as she had wanted to forgive them, to cling to the still new, fragile friendships she had cultivated in the time spent travelling the sword coast, the hurt ha... |
It was just words, but coming from the mouths of people she had trusted had made it sting all the more. |
"You were my friends," She stated plainly, the past tense cutting into them as cleanly as any knife. "I wanted to be your friend! I accepted your worship of Shar, Shadowheart. Gale, I accepted both the danger and the cost of that orb in your chest...And I will still continue to do so." |
"However," she added before either of them could get a word in. "Consider us back to square one, I will work with you, fight alongside you...But I will not trust you, nor confide in you until you have proven that my words, my experiences, can be taken at face value. That the respect, decency, and courtesy I have shown ... |
"Yes, of course, I am truly sorry about this," Gale replied. "I promise you I will strive to do better, to earn back your trust. You have every right to be angry with me." |
She was tired, sore, and burdened with more than they could even conceive of. Her lack of attraction was but one small facet of the larger picture that made up who she was, and they had spat on it without a thought towards how she would feel until someone else pointed it out to them. |
They could not handle something so small, and she doubted they could handle the bigger picture, the secrets she still kept hidden, Her Truth... |
"Oh, I’m not angry," Tav replied. "Merely disappointed, hurt, betrayed...you’d think I’d be used to this by now with how many times I’ve had to deal with such things." |
The smile she gave them was all sharp teeth and bitterness. A reflex, a defensive mechanism, a reaction of a wounded creature. |
The various light sources around the camp flickered, wavered as if in battle against a force trying to snuff them out. Power crackled within her, as agitated as she felt. |
As soon as the worry showed on Gale’s face, as Shadowheart realized how serious this was, as Astarion looked like he wanted to say something, the moment passed. |
She snapped her power back into dormancy, into control and rubbed her aching hands. |
"Sorry...it’s been a long day," she said. "Look, I’ve said my piece, and we’ll just take things one day at a time." |
She felt awkward, tired, drained even. She felt more and more ill as the seconds ticked by. She knew what ailed her, she knew what this sudden illness heralded. |
"I’m going to get some fresh air, excuse me." She said and headed to the furthest point in camp she could find. |
Later, she would fend off Lae’zel, and talk the githyanki down from mercy killing everyone. Later, she would converse with her so-called Guardian for the first time, and truly begin her mission in earnest. |
But for now, she would mourn her broken trust, her wounded soul, and hope things would improve with time. Embers of hope danced within her still, maybe in time she could trust her companions with The Truth, with more than just her empathy and basic decency. |
Maybe she wouldn't feel so alone. |
"How’s my favourite overachiever?" |
Ashenivir nearly leapt out of his skin as Pellanue draped her arms over his shoulders. She laughed loudly and ruffled his hair before letting him go. "You’re jumpy today. Exams?" |
He managed an awkward smile. "Sort of." |
"You’ll be fine. I don’t think I know anyone smarter than you." |
"That isn’t hard, given who we associate with." |
"You are getting sassier by the day, Ashenivir Zauvym." She shoved his shoulder and he staggered halfway across the corridor before regaining his balance. "I like all this new confidence—you always were far too shy." |
"Everyone looks shy compared to you and Dresvan." |
She drew to a stop and caught his arm, a rare look of sincerity on her face. "No, but seriously. Even before you had that teensy little breakdown, you seemed like you were getting your shit together. Like you liked yourself more." She flicked his collar, and Ashenivir restrained himself from slapping her hand away. "Si... |
"Thanks, Pella." Ashenivir smiled and adjusted his collar to lie smooth again. "That means a lot, coming from you." She socked him in the arm. |
"Yeah, well, just don’t tell Dresvan I got all touchy feely." |
The dining hall resounded with the late afternoon cacophony of Arcanum students at dinner. The long tables were thronged with apprentices, and Ashenivir paused, searching for his friends among the crowd. Pellanue elbowed him. |
"You’re not going to have another breakdown though, right?" |
He almost had to shout to be heard over the din. "I wasn’t planning on it, no!" |
"Good! Keszriin might kill you if you did." |
He finally spotted said potential murderer, who had climbed up onto a table on the far side of the hall and was presently waving her arms wildly. Ashenivir waved back—then winced when she lost her balance and toppled out of sight. |
He really was feeling much better about the exams this time around. Without the pressure of his mother’s demands weighing quite so heavily, he found he was actually enjoying just being able to prepare to show how much he’d learned. He still wasn’t looking forward to leaving afterwards, though. |
His hand went to the back of his neck as he and Pella made their way across the hall. And tomorrow night there was that. Forget the exams, that was the real source of his nerves. Yes, he was excited—every time he thought about the mark, a wild maelstrom of moths took up residence inside his chest, fluttering hot around... |
He’d be fine as soon as it began. It was only the waiting that was putting him on edge, and he hadn’t had a scene in over a tenday—with the exams so close, Rizeth wanted him to concentrate. Ashenivir was of the opinion he would concentrate much better if he was tied up and spanked within an inch of his life every other... |
Yes, once Rizeth began he’d be fine. He took his seat and, across from him, Keszriin and Dresvan immediately launched into an extravagantly embellished retelling of the dramatics of their alchemy class. Ashenivir fingered the links of his collar absently while they chattered on. Just one more night to go. |
He could hardly wait. |
Everything was as ready as it could be. The sanctum was clean, physically and magically. He had pored over the ritual so many times he saw the spell flickering before him every time he closed his eyes. He had checked, and double-checked, and triple-checked the sound-proofing spells on his quarters; reinforced them anyw... |
Rizeth straightened the spell components again, trailing his fingers over the delicate eggshells in their silver dishes: speckled brown from a riding lizard, and deep, iridescent turquoise from a diatryma. The type of shell didn’t matter, their appearance even less, but... |
His hand lingered over the diatryma shell. Not exactly rare, but pricey to come by in such intact pieces. The colours were so beautifully vibrant they were often in high demand by artisans more than wizards—why waste the foundation of such fine pigment on a simple spell? |
Rizeth didn’t think it a waste on this occasion. Not for Ashenivir. |
"Why do you want to brand me?" |
His fingers curled tight into his palm. Elian’la’s voice had been louder than ever since Ashenivir had accepted his offer, and he wished he had the magic to drown out memories. It had been more than half a century, wasn’t that enough? |
"You don’t own me, I’m not a thing!" |
That wasn’t what he was doing, that wasn’t what this was about. Perhaps he was still being selfish, but only because he wanted Ashenivir happy. That was all this was, a reward for the time he’d dedicated to his service, the effort he’d poured into his submission. He was just giving Ashenivir what he’d asked for over an... |
And he wants it, Rizeth told himself, though he still scarcely believed it. He glared down at the eggshells, forced his hand to unclench. He knows what it is, and he still wants it. |
With a flick of his wrist, he extinguished the sconces in the sanctum and headed for the bathing room. He needed to settle his thoughts—tomorrow night would require a clear head, with no room for clinging memories or pointless desires. Rizeth touched the rune to fill the bath and soon sank into water hot enough to fill... |
When Ashenivir left the Arcanum, he would lose a submissive, nothing more. There was nothing else that could ever exist between them—Ashenivir belonged to him for now, yes, but he was not Rizeth’s to keep. |
It was a nice fantasy, though. Keeping him. How sweet, the idea of Ashenivir continuing to attend his summons even after graduation, coming all the way to the Arcanum just for him. Or even—a more dangerous thought—coming to his estate. He could move back there, it wasn’t as if it were far from the Arcanum. Ashenivir, t... |
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