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"on top?\" \"Yes, sir.\" \"Well, then where are the clothes?\" \"Underneath, sir.\"",
"ON TOP YES SIR WELL THEN WHERE ARE THE CLOTHES UNDERNEATH SIR"
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"ight try lying down flat, and shutting his eyes. \"But it is not long enough,\" he says. The chambermaid thinks he will be able to manage, if he tucks his legs up. He sees that he will not get anything better, and that he must put up with it. \"Oh, very well!\" he says. \"Look sharp and get it made, then.\" She says: \"It is made.\" He turns and regards the girl sternly. Is she taking advantage of his being a lonely stranger, far from home and friends, to mock him? He goes over to what she calls the bed, and snatching off the top-most sack from the pile and holding it up, says: \"Perhaps you'll tell me what this is, then?\" \"That,\" says the girl, \"that's the bed!\" He is somewhat nonplussed at the unexpected reply. \"Oh!\" he says. \"Oh! the bed, is it? I thought it was a pincushion! Well, if it is the bed, then what is it doing out here, on the top of everything else? You think that because I'm only a man, I don't understand a bed!\" \"That's the proper place for it,\" responds the chambermaid. \"What!",
"ERE AND NOT KNOWING HOW THEY SET ABOUT IT BUT SUGGESTS THAT HE MIGHT TRY LYING DOWN FLAT AND SHUTTING HIS EYES BUT IT IS NOT LONG ENOUGH HE SAYS THE CHAMBERMAID THINKS HE WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE IF HE TUCKS HIS LEGS UP HE SEES THAT HE WILL NOT GET ANYTHING BETTER AND THAT HE MUST PUT UP WITH IT OH VERY WELL HE SAYS LOOK SHARP AND GET IT MADE THEN SHE SAYS IT IS MADE HE TURNS AND REGARDS THE GIRLS STERNLY IS SHE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIS BEING A LONELY STRANGER FAR FROM HOME AND FRIENDS TO MOCK HIM HE GOES OVER TO WHAT SHE CALLS THE BED AND SNATCHING OFF THE TOPMOST SACK FROM THE PILE AND HOLDING IT UP SAYS PERHAPS YOU'LL TELL ME WHAT THIS IS THEN THAT SAYS THE GIRL THAT'S THE BED HE IS SOMEWHAT NONPLUSSED AT THE UNEXPECTED REPLY OH HE SAYS OH THE BED IS IT I THOUGHT IT WAS A PINCUSHION WELL IF IT IS THE BED THEN WHAT IS IT DOING OUT HERE ON THE TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE I'M ONLY A MAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND A BED THAT'S THE PROPER PLACE FOR IT RESPONDS THE CHAMBERMAID WHAT"
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"He said this sentence in English; and the precision and fluency with which he delivered it rather suggested the idea that it was a phrase much in request, and one that he had had a good deal of practice in. It is very prevalent throughout Germany, this custom of not allowing you to go in to see a thing unless you pay.",
"HE SAID THIS SENTENCE IN ENGLISH AND THE PRECISION AND FLUENCY WITH WHICH HE DELIVERED IT RATHER SUGGESTED THE IDEA THAT IT WAS A PHRASE MUCH IN REQUEST AND ONE THAT HE HAD HAD A GOOD DEAL OF PRACTICE IN IT IS VERY PREVALENT THROUGHOUT GERMANY THIS CUSTOM OF NOT ALLOWING YOU TO GO IN TO SEE A THING UNLESS YOU PAY"
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"nal. All things that are true and lasting have been taught to men's hearts by Silence. Among all nations, there should be vast temples raised where the people might worship Silence and listen to it, for it is the voice of God. These fair churches and cathedrals that men have reared around them throughout the world, have been built as homes for mere creeds--this one for Protestantism, that one for Romanism, another for Mahomedanism. But God's Silence dwells in all alike, only driven forth at times by the tinkling of bells and the mumbling of prayers; and, in them, it is good to sit awhile and have communion with her. We strolled round, before we came out. Just by the entrance to the choir an official stopped me, and asked me if I wanted to go and see a lot of fal-lal things he had got on show--relics and bones, and old masters, and such-like Wardour-street rubbish. I told him, \"No\"; and attempted to pass on, but he said: \"No, no! You don't pay, you don't go in there,\" and shut the gate.",
"Y BUT SILENCE IS A PART OF THE ETERNAL ALL THINGS THAT ARE TRUE AND LASTING HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO MEN'S HEARTS BY SILENCE AMONG ALL NATIONS THERE SHOULD BE VAST TEMPLES RAISED WHERE THE PEOPLE MIGHT WORSHIP SILENCE AND LISTEN TO IT FOR IT IS THE VOICE OF GOD THESE FAIR CHURCHES AND CATHEDRALS THAT MEN HAVE REARED AROUND THEM THROUGHOUT THE WORLD HAVE BEEN BUILT AS HOMES FOR MERE CREEDS THIS ONE FOR PROTESTANTISM THAT ONE FOR ROMANISM ANOTHER FOR MAHOMMEDANISM BUT GOD'S SILENCE DWELLS IN ALL ALIKE ONLY DRIVEN FORTH AT TIMES BY THE TINKLING OF BELLS AND THE MUMBLING OF PRAYERS AND IN THEM IT IS GOOD TO SIT AWHILE AND HAVE COMMUNION WITH HER WE STROLLED ROUND BEFORE WE CAME OUT JUST BY THE ENTRANCE TO THE CHOIR AN OFFICIAL STOPPED ME AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO AND SEE A LOT OF FAL LAL THINGS HE HAD GOT ON SHOW RELICS AND BONES AND OLD MASTERS AND SUCHLIKE WARDOUR STREET RUBBISH I TOLD HIM NO AND ATTEMPTED TO PASS ON BUT HE SAID NO NO YOU DON'T PAY YOU DON'T GO IN THERE AND SHUT THE GATE"
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"B. is accustomed to German beds, and doubled himself up and went off to sleep without the slightest difficulty.",
"B IS ACCUSTOMED TO GERMAN BEDS AND DOUBLED HIMSELF UP AND WENT OFF TO SLEEP WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST DIFFICULTY"
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"ffed-up bed, resting on the middle of him, gives him the appearance of a man suffering from some monstrous swelling, or else of some exceptionally well-developed frog that has been turned up the wrong way and does not know how to get on to its legs again. Another vexation that he has to contend with is, that every time he moves a limb or breathes extra hard, the bed (which is only of down) tumbles off on to the floor. You cannot lean out of a German bed to pick up anything off the floor, owing to its box-like formation; so he has to scramble out after it, and of course every time he does this he barks both his shins twice against the sides of the bed. When he has performed this feat for about the tenth time, he concludes that it was madness for him, a mere raw amateur at the business, to think that he could manage a complicated, tricky bed of this sort, that must take even an experienced man all he knows to sleep in it; and gets out and camps on the floor. At least, that is what I did.",
"ERABLY ANNOYS HIM THE PUFFED UP BED RESTING ON THE MIDDLE OF HIM GIVES HIM THE APPEARANCE OF A MAN SUFFERING FROM SOME MONSTROUS SWELLING OR ELSE OF SOME EXCEPTIONALLY WELL DEVELOPED FROG THAT HAS BEEN TURNED UP THE WRONG WAY AND DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO GET ONTO ITS LEGS AGAIN ANOTHER VEXATION THAT HE HAS TO CONTEND WITH IS THAT EVERY TIME HE MOVES A LIMB OR BREATHES EXTRA HARD THE BED WHICH IS ONLY OF DOWN TUMBLES OFF ON TO THE FLOOR YOU CANNOT LEAN OUT OF A GERMAN BED TO PICK UP ANYTHING OFF THE FLOOR OWING TO ITS BOX LIKE FORMATION SO HE HAS TO SCRAMBLE OUT AFTER IT AND OF COURSE EVERY TIME HE DOES THIS HE BARKS BOTH HIS CHINS TWICE AGAINST THE SIDES OF THE BED WHEN HE HAS PERFORMED HIS FEAT FOR ABOUT THE TENTH TIME HE CONCLUDES THAT IT WAS MADNESS FOR HIM A MERE RAW AMATEUR AT THE BUSINESS TO THINK THAT HE COULD MANAGE A COMPLICATED TRICKY BED OF THIS SORT THAT MUST TAKE EVEN AN EXPERIENCED MAN ALL HE KNOWS TO SLEEP IN IT AND GETS OUT AND CAMPS ON THE FLOOR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I DID"
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"Four very young soldiers sat opposite us, drinking beer. I never saw such young soldiers out by themselves before. They each looked about twelve years old, but may have been thirteen; and they each looked, also, ready and willing to storm a battery, if the order were given to them to do it. There they sat, raising and lowering their huge mugs of beer, discussing military matters, and rising every now and again to gravely salute some officer as he passed, and to receive as gravely his grave salute in return.",
"FOUR VERY YOUNG SOLDIERS SAT OPPOSITE US DRINKING BEER I NEVER SAW SUCH YOUNG SOLDIERS OUT BY THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY EACH LOOKED ABOUT TWELVE YEARS OLD BUT MAY HAVE BEEN THIRTEEN AND THEY EACH LOOKED ALSO READY AND WILLING TO STORM A BATTERY IF THE ORDER WERE GIVEN TO THEM TO DO IT THERE THEY SAT RAISING AND LOWERING THEIR HUGE MUGS OF BEER DISCUSSING MILITARY MATTERS AND RISING EVERY NOW AND AGAIN TO GRAVELY SALUTE SOME OFFICER AS HE PASSED AND TO RECEIVE AS GRAVELY HIS GRAVE SALUTE IN RETURN"
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"t the business, to think that he could manage a complicated, tricky bed of this sort, that must take even an experienced man all he knows to sleep in it; and gets out and camps on the floor. At least, that is what I did. B. is accustomed to German beds, and doubled himself up and went off to sleep without the slightest difficulty. We slept for two hours, and then got up and went back to the railway-station, where we dined. The railway refreshment-room in German towns appears to be as much patronised by the inhabitants of the town as by the travellers passing through. It is regarded as an ordinary restaurant, and used as such by the citizens. We found the dining-room at Cologne station crowded with Cologneists. All classes of citizens were there, but especially soldiers. There were all sorts of soldiers--soldiers of rank, and soldiers of rank and file; attached soldiers (very much attached, apparently) and soldiers unattached; stout soldiers, thin soldiers; old soldiers, young soldiers.",
"ESS FOR HIM A MERE RAW AMATEUR AT THE BUSINESS TO THINK THAT HE COULD MANAGE A COMPLICATED TRICKY BED OF THIS SORT THAT MUST TAKE EVEN AN EXPERIENCED MAN ALL HE KNOWS TO SLEEP IN IT AND GETS OUT AND CAMPS ON THE FLOOR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I DID B IS ACCUSTOMED TO GERMAN BEDS AND DOUBLED HIMSELF UP AND WENT OFF TO SLEEP WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST DIFFICULTY WE SLEPT FOR TWO HOURS AND THEN GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO THE RAILWAY STATION WHERE WE DINED THE RAILWAY REFRESHMENT ROOM IN GERMAN TOWNS APPEARS TO BE AS MUCH PATRONIZED BY THE INHABITANTS OF THE TOWN AS BY THE TRAVELLERS PASSING THROUGH IT IS REGARDED AS AN ORDINARY RESTAURANT AND USED AS SUCH BY THE CITIZENS WE FOUND THE DINING ROOM AT COLOGNE STATION CROWDED WITH COLONISTS ALL CLASSES OF CITIZENS WERE THERE BUT ESPECIALLY SOLDIERS THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF SOLDIERS SOLDIERS OF RANK AND SOLDIERS OF RANK AND FILE ATTACHED SOLDIERS VERY MUCH ATTACHED APPARENTLY AND SOLDIERS UNATTACHED STOUT SOLDIERS THIN SOLDIERS OLD SOLDIERS YOUNG SOLDIERS"
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"We have been to bed this afternoon, and are now having another breakfast; and I am not quite sure whether it is yesterday or to morrow, or what day it is. I shall not attempt to write up this diary in the orthodox manner, therefore; but shall fix in a few lines whenever I have half an hour with nothing better to do.",
"WE HAVE BEEN TO BED THIS AFTERNOON AND ARE NOW HAVING ANOTHER BREAKFAST AND I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHETHER IT IS YESTERDAY OR TO MORROW OR WHAT DAY IT IS I SHALL NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE UP THIS DIARY IN THE ORTHODOX MANNER THEREFORE BUT SHALL FIX IN A FEW LINES WHENEVER I HAVE HALF AN HOUR WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO"
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" standing side by side against the sky. They seem to be twins, and grow taller as we approach. I describe them to B., and he says they are the steeples of Cologne Cathedral; and we all begin to yawn and stretch, and to collect our bags and coats and umbrellas. HALF OF SATURDAY 24TH, AND SOME OF SUNDAY, 25TH Difficulty of Keeping this Diary.--A Big Wash.--The German Bed.--Its Goings On.--Manners and Customs of the German Army.--B.'s Besetting Sin.--Cologne Cathedral.--Thoughts Without Words.--A Curious Custom. This diary is getting mixed. The truth is, I am not living as a man who keeps a diary should live. I ought, of course, to sit down in front of this diary at eleven o'clock at night, and write down all that has occurred to me during the day. But at eleven o'clock at night, I am in the middle of a long railway journey, or have just got up, or am just going to bed for a couple of hours. We go to bed at odd moments, when we happen to come across a bed, and have a few minutes to spare.",
" CHAPTER SIX A DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE HALF OF SATURDAY TWENTY FOURTH AND SUM OF SUNDAY TWENTY FIFTH DIFFICULTY OF KEEPING THIS DIARY A BIG WASH THE GERMAN BED ITS GOINGS ON MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE GERMAN ARMY BEES BESETTING SIN COLOGNE CATHEDRAL THOUGHTS WITHOUT WORDS A CURIOUS CUSTOM THIS DIARY IS GETTING MIXED THE TRUTH IS I AM NOT LIVING AS A MAN WHO KEEPS A DIARY SHOULD LIVE I OUGHT OF COURSE TO SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF THIS DIARY AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT AND WRITE DOWN ALL THAT HAS OCCURRED TO ME DURING THE DAY BUT AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG RAILWAY JOURNEY OR HAVE JUST GOT UP OR AM JUST GOING TO BED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS WE GO TO BED AT ODD MOMENTS WHEN WE HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS A BED AND HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO SPARE"
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"We washed ourselves in the Rhine at Cologne (we had not had a wash since we had left our happy home in England). We started with the idea of washing ourselves at the hotel; but on seeing the basin and water and towel provided, I decided not to waste my time playing with them.",
"WE WASHED OURSELVES IN THE RHINE AT COLOGNE WE HAD NOT HAD A WASH SINCE WE LEFT OUR HAPPY HOME IN ENGLAND WE STARTED WITH THE IDEA OF WASHING OURSELVES AT THE HOTEL BUT ON SEEING THE BASIN AND WATER AND TOWEL PROVIDED I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME PLAYING WITH THEM"
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"y of Keeping this Diary.--A Big Wash.--The German Bed.--Its Goings On.--Manners and Customs of the German Army.--B.'s Besetting Sin.--Cologne Cathedral.--Thoughts Without Words.--A Curious Custom. This diary is getting mixed. The truth is, I am not living as a man who keeps a diary should live. I ought, of course, to sit down in front of this diary at eleven o'clock at night, and write down all that has occurred to me during the day. But at eleven o'clock at night, I am in the middle of a long railway journey, or have just got up, or am just going to bed for a couple of hours. We go to bed at odd moments, when we happen to come across a bed, and have a few minutes to spare. We have been to bed this afternoon, and are now having another breakfast; and I am not quite sure whether it is yesterday or to-morrow, or what day it is. I shall not attempt to write up this diary in the orthodox manner, therefore; but shall fix in a few lines whenever I have half-an-hour with nothing better to do.",
"D SUM OF SUNDAY TWENTY FIFTH DIFFICULTY OF KEEPING THIS DIARY A BIG WASH THE GERMAN BED ITS GOINGS ON MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE GERMAN ARMY BEES BESETTING SIN COLOGNE CATHEDRAL THOUGHTS WITHOUT WORDS A CURIOUS CUSTOM THIS DIARY IS GETTING MIXED THE TRUTH IS I AM NOT LIVING AS A MAN WHO KEEPS A DIARY SHOULD LIVE I OUGHT OF COURSE TO SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF THIS DIARY AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT AND WRITE DOWN ALL THAT HAS OCCURRED TO ME DURING THE DAY BUT AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG RAILWAY JOURNEY OR HAVE JUST GOT UP OR AM JUST GOING TO BED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS WE GO TO BED AT ODD MOMENTS WHEN WE HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS A BED AND HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO SPARE WE HAVE BEEN TO BED THIS AFTERNOON AND ARE NOW HAVING ANOTHER BREAKFAST AND I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHETHER IT IS YESTERDAY OR TO MORROW OR WHAT DAY IT IS I SHALL NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE UP THIS DIARY IN THE ORTHODOX MANNER THEREFORE BUT SHALL FIX IN A FEW LINES WHENEVER I HAVE HALF AN HOUR WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO"
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"THE CHAMBERMAID EXPLAINS THAT THERE ARE TWO PILLOWS ON THE BED ALREADY INDICATING AS SHE DOES SO TWO FLAT CUSHIONS EACH ONE A YARD SQUARE PLACED ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER AT ONE END OF THE MIXTURE"
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" everything else? You think that because I'm only a man, I don't understand a bed!\" \"That's the proper place for it,\" responds the chambermaid. \"What! on top?\" \"Yes, sir.\" \"Well, then where are the clothes?\" \"Underneath, sir.\" \"Look here, my good girl,\" he says; \"you don't understand me, or I don't understand you, one or the other. When I go to sleep, I lie on a bed and pull the clothes over me. I don't want to lie on the clothes, and cover myself with the bed. This isn't a comic ballet, you know!\" The girl assures him that there is no mistake about the matter at all. There is the bed, made according to German notions of how a bed should be made. He can make the best of it and try to go to sleep upon it, or he can be sulky and go to sleep on the floor. He is very much surprised. It looks to him the sort of bed that a man would make for himself on coming home late from a party. But it is no use arguing the matter with the girl. \"All right,\" he says; \"bring me a pillow, and I'll risk it!",
"IS THE BED THEN WHAT IS IT DOING OUT HERE ON THE TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE I'M ONLY A MAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND A BED THAT'S THE PROPER PLACE FOR IT RESPONDS THE CHAMBERMAID WHAT ON TOP YES SIR WELL THEN WHERE ARE THE CLOTHES UNDERNEATH SIR LOOK HERE MY GOOD GIRL HE SAYS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME OR I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU ONE OR THE OTHER WHEN I GO TO SLEEP I LIE ON A BED AND PULL THE CLOTHES OVER ME I DON'T WANT TO LIE ON THE CLOTHES AND COVER MYSELF WITH THE BED THIS ISN'T A COMIC BALLET YOU KNOW THE GIRL ASSURES HIM THAT THERE IS NO MISTAKE ABOUT THE MATTER AT ALL THERE IS THE BED MADE ACCORDING TO GERMAN NOTIONS OF HOW A BED SHOULD BE MADE HE CAN MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND TRY TO GO TO SLEEP UPON IT OR HE CAN BE SULKY AND GO TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR HE IS VERY MUCH SURPRISED IT LOOKS TO HIM THE SORT OF BED THAT A MAN WOULD MAKE FOR HIMSELF ON COMING HOME LATE FROM A PARTY BUT IT IS NO USE ARGUING THE MATTER WITH THE GIRL ALL RIGHT HE SAYS BRING ME A PILLOW AND I'LL RISK IT"
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"He draws it up round his chin, and then his feet begin to freeze. He pushes it down over his feet, and then all the top part of him shivers. He tries to roll up into a ball, so as to get the whole of himself underneath it, but does not succeed; there is always some of him left outside in the cold. He reflects that a \"boneless wonder\" or a \"man serpent\" would be comfortable enough in this bed, and wishes that he had been brought up as a contortionist. If he could only tie his legs round his neck, and tuck his head in under his arm, all would yet be well.",
"HE DRAWS IT UP ROUND HIS CHIN AND THEN HIS FEET BEGIN TO FREEZE HE PUSHES IT DOWN OVER HIS FEET AND THEN ALL THE TOP PART OF HIM SHIVERS HE TRIES TO ROLL UP INTO A BALL SO AS TO GET THE WHOLE OF HIMSELF UNDERNEATH IT BUT DOES NOT SUCCEED THERE IS ALWAYS SOME OF HIM LEFT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD HE REFLECTS THAT A BONELESS WONDER OR A MAN SERPENT WOULD BE COMFORTABLE ENOUGH IN THIS BED AND WISHES THAT HE HAD BEEN BROUGHT UP AS A CONTORTIONIST IF HE COULD ONLY TIE HIS LEGS AROUND HIS NECK AND TUCK HIS HEAD IN UNDER HIS ARM ALL WOULD YET BE WELL"
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"es a man more than being rapped over the toes, especially if he feels that he has done nothing to deserve it. He says, \"Oh, damn!\" this time, and spasmodically doubles up his legs, thus giving his knees a violent blow against the board at the side of the bed. (The German bedstead, be it remembered, is built in the form of a shallow, open box, and the victim is thus completely surrounded by solid pieces of wood with sharp edges. I do not know what species of wood it is that is employed. It is extremely hard, and gives forth a curious musical sound when struck sharply with a bone.) After this he lies perfectly still for a while, wondering where he is going to be hit next. Finding that nothing happens, he begins to regain confidence, and ventures to gently feel around with his left leg and take stock of his position. For clothes, he has only a very thin blanket and sheet, and beneath these he feels decidedly chilly. The bed is warm enough, so far as it goes, but there is not enough of it.",
" AT THE BOTTOM NOTHING IRRITATES A MAN MORE THAN BEING WRAPPED OVER THE TOES ESPECIALLY IF HE FEELS THAT HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE IT HE SAYS OH DAMN THIS TIME AND SPASMODICALLY DOUBLES UP HIS LEGS THUS GIVING HIS KNEES A VIOLENT BLOW AGAINST THE BOARD AT THE SIDE OF THE BED THE GERMAN BEDSTEAD BE IT REMEMBERED IS BUILT IN THE FORM OF A SHALLOW OPEN BOX AND THE VICTIM IS THUS COMPLETELY SURROUNDED BY SOLID PIECES OF WOOD WITH SHARP EDGES I DO NOT KNOW WHAT SPECIES OF WOOD IT IS THAT IS EMPLOYED IT IS EXTREMELY HARD AND GIVES FORTH A CURIOUS MUSICAL SOUND WHEN STRUCK SHARPLY WITH A BONE AFTER THIS HE LIES PERFECTLY STILL FOR A WHILE WONDERING WHERE HE IS GOING TO BE HIT NEXT FINDING THAT NOTHING HAPPENS HE BEGINS TO REGAIN CONFIDENCE AND VENTURES TO GENTLY FEEL AROUND WITH HIS LEFT LEG AND TAKE STOCK OF HIS POSITION FOR CLOTHES HE HAS ONLY A VERY THIN BLANKET AND SHEET AND BENEATH THESE HE FEELS DECIDEDLY CHILLY THE BED IS WARM ENOUGH SO FAR AS IT GOES BUT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OF IT"
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"We appealed to the chambermaid. We explained to her that we wanted to wash to clean ourselves not to blow bubbles. Could we not have bigger basins and more water and more extensive towels?",
"WE APPEALED TO THE CHAMBERMAID WE EXPLAINED TO HER THAT WE WANTED TO WASH TO CLEAN OURSELVES NOT TO BLOW BUBBLES COULD WE NOT HAVE BIGGER BASINS AND MORE WATER AND MORE EXTENSIVE TOWELS"
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" o'clock at night, and write down all that has occurred to me during the day. But at eleven o'clock at night, I am in the middle of a long railway journey, or have just got up, or am just going to bed for a couple of hours. We go to bed at odd moments, when we happen to come across a bed, and have a few minutes to spare. We have been to bed this afternoon, and are now having another breakfast; and I am not quite sure whether it is yesterday or to-morrow, or what day it is. I shall not attempt to write up this diary in the orthodox manner, therefore; but shall fix in a few lines whenever I have half-an-hour with nothing better to do. We washed ourselves in the Rhine at Cologne (we had not had a wash since we had left our happy home in England). We started with the idea of washing ourselves at the hotel; but on seeing the basin and water and towel provided, I decided not to waste my time playing with them. As well might Hercules have attempted to tidy up the Augean stables with a squirt.",
"ONT OF THIS DIARY AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT AND WRITE DOWN ALL THAT HAS OCCURRED TO ME DURING THE DAY BUT AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG RAILWAY JOURNEY OR HAVE JUST GOT UP OR AM JUST GOING TO BED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS WE GO TO BED AT ODD MOMENTS WHEN WE HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS A BED AND HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO SPARE WE HAVE BEEN TO BED THIS AFTERNOON AND ARE NOW HAVING ANOTHER BREAKFAST AND I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHETHER IT IS YESTERDAY OR TO MORROW OR WHAT DAY IT IS I SHALL NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE UP THIS DIARY IN THE ORTHODOX MANNER THEREFORE BUT SHALL FIX IN A FEW LINES WHENEVER I HAVE HALF AN HOUR WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO WE WASHED OURSELVES IN THE RHINE AT COLOGNE WE HAD NOT HAD A WASH SINCE WE LEFT OUR HAPPY HOME IN ENGLAND WE STARTED WITH THE IDEA OF WASHING OURSELVES AT THE HOTEL BUT ON SEEING THE BASIN AND WATER AND TOWEL PROVIDED I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME PLAYING WITH THEM AS WELL MIGHT HERCULES HAVE ATTEMPTED TO TIDY UP THE ORGIAN STABLES WITH A SQUIRT"
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"Silence teaches us how little we are how great we are. In the world's market places we are tinkers, tailors, apothecaries, thieves respectable or otherwise, as the case may be mere atoms of a mighty machine mere insects in a vast hive.",
"SILENCE TEACHES US HOW LITTLE WE ARE HOW GREAT WE ARE IN THE WORLD'S MARKET PLACES WE ARE TINKERS TAILORS APOTHECARIES THIEVES RESPECTABLE OR OTHERWISE AS THE CASE MAY BE MERE ATOMS OF A MIGHTY MACHINE MERE INSECTS IN A VAST HIVE"
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"lars, but in themselves--their echoing vastness, their deep silence. Above the little homes of men, above the noisy teeming streets, they rise like some soft strain of perfect music, cleaving its way amid the jangle of discordant notes. Here, where the voices of the world sound faint; here, where the city's glamour comes not in, it is good to rest for a while--if only the pestering guides would leave one alone--and think. There is much help in Silence. From its touch we gain renewed life. Silence is to the Soul what his Mother Earth was to Briareus. From contact with it we rise healed of our hurts and strengthened for the fight. Amid the babel of the schools we stand bewildered and affrighted. Silence gives us peace and hope. Silence teaches us no creed, only that God's arms are around the universe. How small and unimportant seem all our fretful troubles and ambitions when we stand with them in our hand before the great calm face of Silence! We smile at them ourselves, and are ashamed.",
"A BRAC PILED UP IN THEIR CELLARS BUT IN THEMSELVES THEIR ECHOING VASTNESS THEIR DEEP SILENCE ABOVE THE LITTLE HOMES OF MEN ABOVE THE NOISY TEEMING STREETS THEY RISE LIKE SOME SOFT STRAIN OF PERFECT MUSIC CLEAVING ITS WAY AMID THE JANGLE OF DISCORDANT NOTES HERE WHERE THE VOICES OF THE WORLD SOUND FAINT HERE WHERE THE CITY'S GLAMOUR COMES NOT IN IT IS GOOD TO REST FOR A WHILE IF ONLY THE PESTERING GUIDES WOULD LEAVE ONE ALONE AND THINK THERE IS MUCH HELP IN SILENCE FROM ITS TOUCH WE GAIN RENEWED LIFE SILENCE IS TO THE SOUL WHAT IS MOTHER EARTH WAS TO BRIARY US FROM CONTACT WITH IT WE RISE HEALED OF OUR HURTS AND STRENGTHEN FOR THE FIGHT AMID THE BABEL OF THE SCHOOLS WE STAND BEWILDERED AND AFFRIGHTED SILENCE GIVES US PEACE AND HOPE SILENCE TEACHES US NO CREED ONLY THAT GOD'S ARMS ARE AROUND THE UNIVERSE HOW SMALL AND UNIMPORTANT SEEM ALL OUR FRETFUL TROUBLES AND AMBITIONS WHEN WE STAND WITH THEM IN OUR HAND BEFORE THE GREAT CALM FACE OF SILENCE WE SMILE AT THEM OURSELVES AND ARE ASHAMED"
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"We went to bed after our wash. To the _blase_ English bed goer, accustomed all his life to the same old hackneyed style of bed night after night, there is something very pleasantly piquant about the experience of trying to sleep in a German bed. He does not know it is a bed at first.",
"WE WENT TO BED AFTER OUR WASH TO THE BLAIS ENGLISH BED GOER ACCUSTOMED ALL HIS LIFE TO THE SAME OLD HACKNEYED STYLE OF BED NIGHT AFTER NIGHT THERE IS SOMETHING VERY PLEASANTLY PIQUAN ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE OF TRYING TO SLEEP IN A GERMAN BED HE DOES NOT KNOW IT IS A BED AT FIRST"
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"d in it afterwards. I have heard from friends who have travelled since in Germany that we completely spoiled that river for the rest of the season. Not for business purposes, I do not mean. The barge traffic has been, comparatively speaking, uninterfered with. But the tourist trade has suffered terribly. Parties who usually go up the Rhine by steamer have, after looking at the river, gone by train this year. The boat agents have tried to persuade them that the Rhine is always that colour: that it gets like that owing to the dirt and refuse washed down into it during its course among the mountains. But the tourists have refused to accept this explanation. They have said: \"No. Mountains will account for a good deal, we admit, but not for all _that_. We are acquainted with the ordinary condition of the Rhine, and although muddy, and at times unpleasant, it is passable. As it is this summer, however, we would prefer not to travel upon it. We will wait until after next year's spring-floods.",
" HOWEVER SORRY THAT WE HAD WASHED IN IT AFTERWARDS I HAVE HEARD FROM FRIENDS WHO HAVE TRAVELLED SINCE IN GERMANY THAT WE COMPLETELY SPOILED THAT RIVER FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON NOT FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES I DO NOT MEAN THE BARGE TRAFFIC HAS BEEN COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING UNINTERFERED WITH BUT THE TOURIST TRADE HAS SUFFERED TERRIBLY PARTIES WHO USUALLY GO UP THE RHINE BY STEAMER HAVE AFTER LOOKING AT THE RIVER GONE BY TRAIN THIS YEAR THE BOAT AGENTS HAVE TRIED TO PERSUADE THEM THAT THE RHINE IS ALWAYS THAT COLOR THAT IT GETS LIKE THAT OWING TO THE DIRT AND REFUSE WASHED DOWN INTO IT DURING ITS COURSE AMONG THE MOUNTAINS BUT THE TOURISTS HAVE REFUSED TO ACCEPT THIS EXPLANATION THEY HAVE SAID NO MOUNTAINS WILL ACCOUNT FOR A GOOD DEAL WE ADMIT BUT NOT FOR ALL THAT WE ARE ACQUAINTED WITH THE ORDINARY CONDITION OF THE RHINE AND ALTHOUGH MUDDY AND AT TIMES UNPLEASANT IT IS POSSIBLE AS IT IS THIS SUMMER HOWEVER WE WILL PREFER NOT TO TRAVEL UPON IT WE WILL WAIT UNTIL AFTER NEXT YEAR'S SPRING FLOODS"
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"But God's Silence dwells in all alike, only driven forth at times by the tinkling of bells and the mumbling of prayers; and, in them, it is good to sit awhile and have communion with her.",
"BUT GOD'S SILENCE DWELLS IN ALL ALIKE ONLY DRIVEN FORTH AT TIMES BY THE TINKLING OF BELLS AND THE MUMBLING OF PRAYERS AND IN THEM IT IS GOOD TO SIT AWHILE AND HAVE COMMUNION WITH HER"
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"at a lie on Silence. A lie has to be puffed aloft, and kept from falling by men's breath. Leave a lie on the bosom of Silence, and it sinks. A truth floats there fair and stately, like some stout ship upon a deep ocean. Silence buoys her up lovingly for all men to see. Not until she has grown worn-out and rotten, and is no longer a truth, will the waters of Silence close over her. Silence is the only real thing we can lay hold of in this world of passing dreams. Time is a shadow that will vanish with the twilight of humanity; but Silence is a part of the eternal. All things that are true and lasting have been taught to men's hearts by Silence. Among all nations, there should be vast temples raised where the people might worship Silence and listen to it, for it is the voice of God. These fair churches and cathedrals that men have reared around them throughout the world, have been built as homes for mere creeds--this one for Protestantism, that one for Romanism, another for Mahomedanism.",
"ANNOT LIVE YOU CANNOT FLOAT A LIE ON SILENCE A LIE HAS TO BE PUFFED ALOFT AND KEPT FROM FALLING BY MEN'S BREATH LEAVE A LIE ON THE BOSOM OF SILENCE AND IT SINKS A TRUTH FLOATS THERE FAIR AND STATELY LIKE SOME STOUT SHIP UPON A DEEP OCEAN SILENCE BOYS ARE UP LOVINGLY FOR ALL MEN TO SEE NOT UNTIL SHE HAS GROWN WORN OUT AND ROTTEN AND IS NO LONGER A TRUTH OR THE WATERS OF SILENCE CLOSE OVER HER SILENCE IS THE ONLY REAL THING WE CAN LAY HOLD OF IN THIS WORLD OF PASSING DREAMS TIME IS A SHADOW THAT WILL VANISH WITH THE TWILIGHT OF HUMANITY BUT SILENCE IS A PART OF THE ETERNAL ALL THINGS THAT ARE TRUE AND LASTING HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO MEN'S HEARTS BY SILENCE AMONG ALL NATIONS THERE SHOULD BE VAST TEMPLES RAISED WHERE THE PEOPLE MIGHT WORSHIP SILENCE AND LISTEN TO IT FOR IT IS THE VOICE OF GOD THESE FAIR CHURCHES AND CATHEDRALS THAT MEN HAVE REARED AROUND THEM THROUGHOUT THE WORLD HAVE BEEN BUILT AS HOMES FOR MERE CREEDS THIS ONE FOR PROTESTANTISM THAT ONE FOR ROMANISM ANOTHER FOR MAHOMMEDANISM"
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"It looks to him the sort of bed that a man would make for himself on coming home late from a party. But it is no use arguing the matter with the girl. \"All right,\" he says; \"bring me a pillow, and I'll risk it!\" The chambermaid explains that there are two pillows on the bed already, indicating, as she does so, two flat cushions, each one a yard square, placed one on top of the other at one end of the mixture. \"These!\"",
"IT LOOKS TO HIM THE SORT OF BED THAT A MAN WOULD MAKE FOR HIMSELF ON COMING HOME LATE FROM A PARTY BUT IT IS NO USE ARGUING THE MATTER WITH THE GIRL ALL RIGHT HE SAYS BRING ME A PILLOW AND I'LL RISK IT THE CHAMBERMAID EXPLAINS THAT THERE ARE TWO PILLOWS ON THE BED ALREADY INDICATING AS SHE DOES SO TWO FLAT CUSHIONS EACH ONE A YARD SQUARE PLACED ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER AT ONE END OF THE MIXTURE THESE"
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"girl, \"that's the bed!\" He is somewhat nonplussed at the unexpected reply. \"Oh!\" he says. \"Oh! the bed, is it? I thought it was a pincushion! Well, if it is the bed, then what is it doing out here, on the top of everything else? You think that because I'm only a man, I don't understand a bed!\" \"That's the proper place for it,\" responds the chambermaid. \"What! on top?\" \"Yes, sir.\" \"Well, then where are the clothes?\" \"Underneath, sir.\" \"Look here, my good girl,\" he says; \"you don't understand me, or I don't understand you, one or the other. When I go to sleep, I lie on a bed and pull the clothes over me. I don't want to lie on the clothes, and cover myself with the bed. This isn't a comic ballet, you know!\" The girl assures him that there is no mistake about the matter at all. There is the bed, made according to German notions of how a bed should be made. He can make the best of it and try to go to sleep upon it, or he can be sulky and go to sleep on the floor. He is very much surprised.",
"UP SAYS PERHAPS YOU'LL TELL ME WHAT THIS IS THEN THAT SAYS THE GIRL THAT'S THE BED HE IS SOMEWHAT NONPLUSSED AT THE UNEXPECTED REPLY OH HE SAYS OH THE BED IS IT I THOUGHT IT WAS A PINCUSHION WELL IF IT IS THE BED THEN WHAT IS IT DOING OUT HERE ON THE TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE I'M ONLY A MAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND A BED THAT'S THE PROPER PLACE FOR IT RESPONDS THE CHAMBERMAID WHAT ON TOP YES SIR WELL THEN WHERE ARE THE CLOTHES UNDERNEATH SIR LOOK HERE MY GOOD GIRL HE SAYS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME OR I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU ONE OR THE OTHER WHEN I GO TO SLEEP I LIE ON A BED AND PULL THE CLOTHES OVER ME I DON'T WANT TO LIE ON THE CLOTHES AND COVER MYSELF WITH THE BED THIS ISN'T A COMIC BALLET YOU KNOW THE GIRL ASSURES HIM THAT THERE IS NO MISTAKE ABOUT THE MATTER AT ALL THERE IS THE BED MADE ACCORDING TO GERMAN NOTIONS OF HOW A BED SHOULD BE MADE HE CAN MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND TRY TO GO TO SLEEP UPON IT OR HE CAN BE SULKY AND GO TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR HE IS VERY MUCH SURPRISED"
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"Cologne was the cradle of German art. Talk about art and the old masters. Treat them in a kindly and gentle spirit. They are dead now.",
"COLOGNE WAS THE CRADLE OF GERMAN ART TALK ABOUT ART AND THE OLD MASTERS TREAT THEM IN A KINDLY AND GENTLE SPIRIT THEY ARE DEAD NOW"
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"round, I would draw, in vivid colours, the modern aspect of the scene, with remarks and observations thereon. Here are my rough notes, made for the purpose:-- Mems. for Chapter on Rhine: \"Constantine the Great used to come here--so did Agrippa. (N.B.--Try and find out something about Agrippa.) Caesar had a good deal to do with the Rhine--also Nero's mother.\" (To the reader.--The brevity of these memoranda renders their import, at times, confusing. For instance, this means that Caesar and Nero's mother both had a good deal to do with the Rhine; not that Caesar had a good deal to do with Nero's mother. I explain this because I should be sorry to convey any false impression concerning either the lady or Caesar. Scandal is a thing abhorrent to my nature.) Notes continued: \"The Ubii did something on the right bank of the Rhine at an early period, and afterwards were found on the other side. (Expect the Ubii were a tribe; but make sure of this, as they might be something in the fossil line.)",
"E DISTRICT AND AGAINST THIS FOR A FOREGROUND I WOULD DRAW IN VIVID COLOURS THE MODERN ASPECT OF THE SCENE WITH REMARKS AND OBSERVATIONS THEREON HERE ARE MY ROUGH NOTES MADE FOR THE PURPOSE MEMS FOR CHAPTER ON RHINE CONSTANTINE THE GREAT USED TO COME HERE SO DID AGRIPPA N B TRY AND FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT AGRIPPA CAESAR HAD A GOOD DEAL TO DO WITH THE RHINE ALSO NERO'S MOTHER TO THE READER THE BREVITY OF THESE MEMORANDA RENDERS THEIR IMPORT AT TIMES CONFUSING FOR INSTANCE THIS MEANS THAT CAESAR AND NERO'S MOTHER BOTH HAD A GOOD DEAL TO DO WITH THE RHINE NOT THAT CAESAR HAD A GOOD DEAL TO DO WITH NERO'S MOTHER I EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE I SHOULD BE SORRY TO CONVEY ANY FALSE IMPRESSION CONCERNING EITHER THE LADY OR CAESAR SCANDAL IS A THING ABHORRENT TO MY NATURE NOTES CONTINUED THE UBI EI DID SOMETHING ON THE RIGHT BANK OF THE RHINE AT AN EARLY PERIOD AND AFTERWARDS WERE FOUND ON THE OTHER SIDE EXPECT THE UBI EI WERE A TRIBE BUT MAKE SURE OF THIS AS THEY MIGHT BE SOMETHING IN THE FOSSIL LINE"
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"It would have been a very enjoyable ride altogether, that evening's spin along the banks of the Rhine, if I had not been haunted at the time by the idea that I should have to write an account of it next day in my diary.",
"IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A VERY ENJOYABLE RIDE ALTOGETHER THAT EVENING'S SPIN ALONG THE BANKS OF THE RHINE IF I HAD NOT BEEN HAUNTED AT THE TIME BY THE IDEA THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO WRITE AN ACCOUNT OF IT NEXT DAY IN MY DIARY"
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"tory of him, and pick out the interesting bits.) The Drachenfels. Quote Byron. Moralise about ruined castles generally, and describe the middle ages, with your views and opinions on same.\" There is much more of it, but that is sufficient to let you see the scheme I had in my head. I have not carried out my scheme, because, when I came to reflect upon the matter, it seemed to me that the idea would develop into something that would be more in the nature of a history of Europe than a chapter in a tourist's diary, and I determined not to waste my time upon it, until there arose a greater public demand for a new History of Europe than there appears to exist at present. \"Besides,\" I argued to myself, \"such a work would be just the very thing with which to beguile the tedium of a long imprisonment. At some future time I may be glad of a labour of this magnitude to occupy a period of involuntary inaction.\" \"This is the sort of thing,\" I said to myself, \"to save up for Holloway or Pentonville.",
"RIC THE GREAT READ CARLYLE'S HISTORY OF HIM AND PICK OUT THE INTERESTING BITS THE DRACHEN FELS QUOTE BYRON MORALIZE ABOUT RUINED CASTLES GENERALLY AND DESCRIBE THE MIDDLE AGES WITH YOUR VIEWS AND OPINIONS ONSANE THERE IS MUCH MORE OF IT BUT THAT IS SUFFICIENT TO LET YOU SEE THE SCHEME I HAD IN MY HEAD I HAVE NOT CARRIED OUT MY SCHEME BECAUSE WHEN I CAME TO REFLECT UPON THE MATTER IT SEEMED TO ME THAT THE IDEA WOULD DEVELOP INTO SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE MORE IN THE NATURE OF A HISTORY OF EUROPE THAN A CHAPTER IN A TOURIST'S STORY AND I DETERMINED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME UPON IT UNTIL THERE AROSE A GREATER PUBLIC DEMAND FOR A NEW HISTORY OF EUROPE THAN THERE APPEARS TO EXIST AT PRESENT BESIDES I ARGUED TO MYSELF SUCH A WORK WOULD BE JUST THE VERY THING WITH WHICH TO BEGUILE THE TEDIUM OF A LONG IMPRISONMENT AT SOME FUTURE TIME I MAY BE GLAD OF A LABOR OF THIS MAGNITUDE TO OCCUPY A PERIOD OF INVOLUNTARY INACTION THIS IS THE SORT OF THING I SAID TO MYSELF TO SAVE UP FOR HOLLOWAY OR PENTONVILLE"
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"Chivalrous Heinrich returns, and is wild that his brother C. has not married the beautiful H. It does not occur to him to marry the girl even then.",
"CHIVALROUS HEINRICH RETURNS AND IS WILD THAT HIS BROTHER C HAS NOT MARRIED THE BEAUTIFUL H IT DOES NOT OCCUR TO HIM TO MARRY THE GIRL EVEN THEN"
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"ert Durer. Criticise his style. Say it's flat. (If possible, find out if it _is_ flat.) \"The rat tower on the Rhine,\" near Bingen. Describe the place and tell the whole story. Don't spin it out too long, because everybody knows it. \"The Brothers of Bornhofen,\" story connected with the twin castles of Sterrenberg and Liebenstein, Conrad and Heinrich--brothers--both love Hildegarde. She was very beautiful. Heinrich generously refuses to marry the beautiful Hildegarde, and goes away to the Crusades, leaving her to his brother Conrad. Conrad considers over the matter for a year or two, and then _he_ decides that he won't marry her either, but will leave her for his brother Heinrich, and _he_ goes off to the Crusades, from whence he returns, a few years later on, with a Grecian bride. The beautiful H., muddled up between the pair of them, and the victim of too much generosity, gets sulky (don't blame her), and shuts herself up in a lonely part of the castle, and won't see anybody for years.",
"ALL SOMEWHERE AND LET THE GIRL DIE TALK ABOUT ALBERT DURER CRITICISE HIS STYLE SAY IT'S FLAT IF POSSIBLE FIND OUT IF IT IS FLAT THE RAT TOWER ON THE RHINE NEAR BINGEN DESCRIBE THE PLACE AND TELL THE WHOLE STORY DON'T SPIN IT OUT TOO LONG BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT THE BROTHERS OF BONHOFEN STORY CONNECTED WITH THE TWIN CASTLES OF STERENBERG AND LIEBENSTEIN CONRAD AND HEINRICH BROTHERS BOTH LOVE HILDEGARDE SHE WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL HEINRICH GENEROUSLY REFUSES TO MARRY THE BEAUTIFUL HILDEGARDE AND GOES AWAY TO THE CRUSADES LEAVING HER TO HIS BROTHER CONRAD CONRAD CONSIDERS OVER THE MATTER FOR A YEAR OR TWO AND THEN HE DECIDED THAT HE WON'T MARRY HER EITHER BUT WILL LEAVE HER FOR HIS BROTHER HEINRICH AND HE GOES OFF TO THE CRUSADES FROM WHENCE HE RETURNS A FEW YEARS LATER ON WITH A GRECIAN BRIDE THE BEAUTIFUL H MUDDLED UP BETWEEN THE PAIR OF THEM AND THE VICTIM OF TOO MUCH GENEROSITY GETS SULKY DON'T BLAME HER AND SHUTS HERSELF UP IN A LONELY PART OF THE CASTLE AND WON'T SEE ANYBODY FOR YEARS"
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"As it was, I enjoyed it as a man enjoys a dinner when he has got to make a speech after it, or as a critic enjoys a play.",
"AS IT WAS I ENJOYED IT AS A MAN ENJOYS A DINNER WHEN HE HAS GOT TO MAKE A SPEECH AFTER IT OR AS A CRITIC ENJOYS A PLAY"
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"at is sufficient to let you see the scheme I had in my head. I have not carried out my scheme, because, when I came to reflect upon the matter, it seemed to me that the idea would develop into something that would be more in the nature of a history of Europe than a chapter in a tourist's diary, and I determined not to waste my time upon it, until there arose a greater public demand for a new History of Europe than there appears to exist at present. \"Besides,\" I argued to myself, \"such a work would be just the very thing with which to beguile the tedium of a long imprisonment. At some future time I may be glad of a labour of this magnitude to occupy a period of involuntary inaction.\" \"This is the sort of thing,\" I said to myself, \"to save up for Holloway or Pentonville.\" It would have been a very enjoyable ride altogether, that evening's spin along the banks of the Rhine, if I had not been haunted at the time by the idea that I should have to write an account of it next day in my diary.",
" IS MUCH MORE OF IT BUT THAT IS SUFFICIENT TO LET YOU SEE THE SCHEME I HAD IN MY HEAD I HAVE NOT CARRIED OUT MY SCHEME BECAUSE WHEN I CAME TO REFLECT UPON THE MATTER IT SEEMED TO ME THAT THE IDEA WOULD DEVELOP INTO SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE MORE IN THE NATURE OF A HISTORY OF EUROPE THAN A CHAPTER IN A TOURIST'S STORY AND I DETERMINED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME UPON IT UNTIL THERE AROSE A GREATER PUBLIC DEMAND FOR A NEW HISTORY OF EUROPE THAN THERE APPEARS TO EXIST AT PRESENT BESIDES I ARGUED TO MYSELF SUCH A WORK WOULD BE JUST THE VERY THING WITH WHICH TO BEGUILE THE TEDIUM OF A LONG IMPRISONMENT AT SOME FUTURE TIME I MAY BE GLAD OF A LABOR OF THIS MAGNITUDE TO OCCUPY A PERIOD OF INVOLUNTARY INACTION THIS IS THE SORT OF THING I SAID TO MYSELF TO SAVE UP FOR HOLLOWAY OR PENTONVILLE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A VERY ENJOYABLE RIDE ALTOGETHER THAT EVENING'S SPIN ALONG THE BANKS OF THE RHINE IF I HAD NOT BEEN HAUNTED AT THE TIME BY THE IDEA THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO WRITE AN ACCOUNT OF IT NEXT DAY IN MY DIARY"
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"Whenever a German railway guard feels lonesome, and does not know what else to do with himself, he takes a walk round the train, and gets the passengers to show him their tickets, after which he returns to his box cheered and refreshed.",
"WHENEVER A GERMAN RAILWAY GUARD FEELS LONESOME AND DOES NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO WITH HIMSELF HE TAKES A WALK ROUND THE TRAIN AND GETS THE PASSENGERS TO SHOW HIM THEIR TICKETS AFTER WHICH HE RETURNS TO HIS BOX CHEERED AND REFRESHED"
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"us stop and see the show out. The play was becoming quite interesting. It was so full of movement. But they said that we were half-an-hour late as it was, and that they dared not. We leaned out of the window, and watched for as long as we could; and after the village was lost to view in the distance, we could still, by listening carefully, hear the thuds, as one after another of the inhabitants sat down and began to swear. At about eleven o'clock we had some beer--you can generally obtain such light refreshment as bottled beer and coffee and rolls from the guard on a through long-distance train in Germany--took off our boots, and saying \"Good-night\" to each other, made a great show of going to sleep. But we never succeeded in getting there. They wanted to see one's ticket too often for one to get fairly off. Every few minutes, so it seemed to me, though in reality the intervals may perhaps have been longer, a ghostly face would appear at the carriage-window, and ask to see our tickets.",
"RAILWAY OFFICIALS TO LET US STOP AND SEE THE SHOW OUT THE PLAY WAS BECOMING QUITE INTERESTING IT WAS SO FULL OF MOVEMENT BUT THEY SAID THAT WE WERE HALF AN HOUR LATE AS IT WAS AND THAT THEY DARED NOT WE LEANED OUT OF THE WINDOW AND WATCHED FOR AS LONG AS WE COULD AND AFTER THE VILLAGE WAS LOST TO VIEW IN THE DISTANCE WE COULD STILL BY LISTENING CAREFULLY HEAR THE THUDS AS ONE AFTER ANOTHER OF THE INHABITANTS SAT DOWN AND BEGAN TO SWEAR AT ABOUT ELEVEN O'CLOCK WE HAD SOME BEER YOU CAN GENERALLY OBTAIN SUCH LIGHT REFRESHMENT AS BOTTLED BEER AND COFFEE AND ROLLS FROM THE GUARD ON A THREE LONG DISTANCE TRAIN IN IN GERMANY TOOK OFF OUR BOOTS AND SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO EACH OTHER MADE A GREAT SHOW OF GOING TO SLEEP BUT WE NEVER SUCCEEDED IN GETTING THERE THEY WANTED TO SEE ONE'S TICKET TOO OFTEN FOR ONE TO GET FAIRLY OFF EVERY FEW MINUTES SO IT SEEMED TO ME THOUGH IN REALITY THE INTERVALS MAY PERHAPS HAVE BEEN LONGER A GHOSTLY FACE WOULD APPEAR AT THE CARRIAGE WINDOW AND ASK TO SEE OUR TICKETS"
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"In the course of less than half a minute we counted fourteen persons sitting down in the middle of the road. Eight of them were cursing the goat, four were cursing the dog, and two of them were cursing the old man for keeping the goat, one of these two, and the more violent one, being the man's own wife.",
"IN THE COURSE OF LESS THAN HALF A MINUTE WE COUNTED FOURTEEN PERSONS SITTING DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD EIGHT OF THEM WERE CURSING THE GOAT FOUR WERE CURSING THE DOG AND TWO OF THEM WERE CURSING THE OLD MAN FOR KEEPING THE GOAT ONE OF THESE TWO AND THE MORE VIOLENT ONE BEING THE MAN'S OWN WIFE"
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"rned and ran up the street, and, as it passed the cottage, the father ran out and tried to stop it. He was an old man, but still seemed to have plenty of vigour in him. He evidently guessed how his wife and child had gone down, and he endeavoured to avoid the rope and to skip over it when it came near him. But the goat's movements were too erratic for him. His turn came, and he trod on the rope, and went down in the middle of the road, opposite his own door, with a thud that shook us all up against each other as we stood looking out of the carriage-window, and sat there and cursed the goat. Then out ran a dog, barking furiously, and he went for the goat, and got the end of the rope in his teeth and held on to it like grim death. Away went the goat, at his end of the rope, and, with him, the dog at the other end. Between them, they kept the rope about six inches above the ground, and with it they remorselessly mowed down every living thing they came across in that once peaceful village.",
" A SCREECH THEN THE GOAT TURNED AND RAN UP THE STREET AND AS IT PASSED THE COTTAGE THE FATHER RAN OUT AND TRIED TO STOP IT HE WAS AN OLD MAN BUT STILL SEEMED TO HAVE PLENTY OF VIGOUR IN HIM HE EVIDENTLY GUESSED HOW HIS WIFE AND CHILD HAD GONE DOWN AND HE ENDEAVOURED TO AVOID THE ROPE AND TO SKIP OVER IT WHEN IT CAME NEAR HIM BUT THE GOAT'S MOVEMENTS WERE TOO ERRATIC FOR HIM HIS TURN CAME AND HE TROD ON THE ROPE AND WENT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OPPOSITE HIS OWN DOOR WITH A THUD THAT SHOOK US ALL UP AGAINST EACH OTHER AS WE STOOD LOOKING OUT OF THE CARRIAGE WINDOW AND SAT THERE AND CURSED THE GOAT THEN OUT RAN A DOG BARKING FURIOUSLY AND HE WENT FOR THE GOAT AND GOT THE END OF THE ROPE IN HIS TEETH AND HELD ON TO IT LIKE GRIM DEATH AWAY WENT THE GOAT AT HIS END OF THE ROPE AND WITH HIM THE DOG AT THE OTHER END BETWEEN THEM THEY KEPT THE ROPE ABOUT SIX INCHES ABOVE THE GROUND AND WITH IT THEY REMORSELESSLY MOWED DOWN EVERY LIVING THING THEY CAME ACROSS IN THAT ONCE PEACEFUL VILLAGE"
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"Nearly all the German railway officials have this same craving for tickets. If only they get somebody to show them a railway ticket, they are happy. It seemed a harmless weakness of theirs, and B. and I decided that it would be only kind to humour them in it during our stay.",
"NEARLY ALL THE GERMAN RAILWAY OFFICIALS HAVE THIS SAME CRAVING FOR TICKETS IF ONLY THEY GET SOMEBODY TO SHOW THEM A RAILWAY TICKET THEY ARE HAPPY IT SEEMED A HARMLESS WEAKNESS OF THEIRS AND B AND I DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE ONLY KIND TO HUMOUR THEM IN IT DURING OUR STAY"
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"At about eleven o'clock we had some beer--you can generally obtain such light refreshment as bottled beer and coffee and rolls from the guard on a through long-distance train in Germany--took off our boots, and saying \"Good-night\" to each other, made a great show of going to sleep. But we never succeeded in getting there. They wanted to see one's ticket too often for one to get fairly off. Every few minutes, so it seemed to me, though in reality the intervals may perhaps have been longer, a ghostly face would appear at the carriage-window, and ask to see our tickets. Whenever a German railway-guard feels lonesome, and does not know what else to do with himself, he takes a walk round the train, and gets the passengers to show him their tickets, after which he returns to his box cheered and refreshed. Some people rave about sunsets and mountains and old masters; but to the German railway-guard the world can show nothing more satisfying, more inspiring, than the sight of a railway-ticket.",
"WN AND BEGAN TO SWEAR AT ABOUT ELEVEN O'CLOCK WE HAD SOME BEER YOU CAN GENERALLY OBTAIN SUCH LIGHT REFRESHMENT AS BOTTLED BEER AND COFFEE AND ROLLS FROM THE GUARD ON A THREE LONG DISTANCE TRAIN IN IN GERMANY TOOK OFF OUR BOOTS AND SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO EACH OTHER MADE A GREAT SHOW OF GOING TO SLEEP BUT WE NEVER SUCCEEDED IN GETTING THERE THEY WANTED TO SEE ONE'S TICKET TOO OFTEN FOR ONE TO GET FAIRLY OFF EVERY FEW MINUTES SO IT SEEMED TO ME THOUGH IN REALITY THE INTERVALS MAY PERHAPS HAVE BEEN LONGER A GHOSTLY FACE WOULD APPEAR AT THE CARRIAGE WINDOW AND ASK TO SEE OUR TICKETS WHENEVER A GERMAN RAILWAY GUARD FEELS LONESOME AND DOES NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO WITH HIMSELF HE TAKES A WALK ROUND THE TRAIN AND GETS THE PASSENGERS TO SHOW HIM THEIR TICKETS AFTER WHICH HE RETURNS TO HIS BOX CHEERED AND REFRESHED SOME PEOPLE RAVE ABOUT SUNSETS AND MOUNTAINS AND OLD MASTERS BUT TO THE GERMAN RAILWAY GUARD THE WORLD CAN SHOW NOTHING MORE SATISFYING MORE INSPIRING THAN THE SIGHT OF A RAILWAY TICKET"
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"Conrad considers over the matter for a year or two, and then _he_ decides that he won't marry her either, but will leave her for his brother Heinrich, and _he_ goes off to the Crusades, from whence he returns, a few years later on, with a Grecian bride.",
"CONRAD CONSIDERS OVER THE MATTER FOR A YEAR OR TWO AND THEN HE DECIDED THAT HE WON'T MARRY HER EITHER BUT WILL LEAVE HER FOR HIS BROTHER HEINRICH AND HE GOES OFF TO THE CRUSADES FROM WHENCE HE RETURNS A FEW YEARS LATER ON WITH A GRECIAN BRIDE"
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"Goths. (Read up 'Gibbon' for this, unless you can get enough out of _Mangnall's Questions_.) Give picturesque account--with comments--of the battles between the citizens of Cologne and their haughty archbishops. (N.B.--Let them fight on a bridge over the Rhine, unless it is distinctly stated somewhere that they didn't.) Bring in the Minne-singers, especially Walter von Vogelweid; make him sing under a castle-wall somewhere, and let the girl die. Talk about Albert Durer. Criticise his style. Say it's flat. (If possible, find out if it _is_ flat.) \"The rat tower on the Rhine,\" near Bingen. Describe the place and tell the whole story. Don't spin it out too long, because everybody knows it. \"The Brothers of Bornhofen,\" story connected with the twin castles of Sterrenberg and Liebenstein, Conrad and Heinrich--brothers--both love Hildegarde. She was very beautiful. Heinrich generously refuses to marry the beautiful Hildegarde, and goes away to the Crusades, leaving her to his brother Conrad.",
"SKETCH THE VARIOUS CONTESTS BETWEEN THE ROMANS AND THE GOTHS READ UP GIBBON FOR THIS UNLESS YOU CAN GET ENOUGH OUT OF MAGNOL'S QUESTIONS GIVE PICTURESQUE ACCOUNT WITH COMMENTS OF THE BATTLES BETWEEN THE CITIZENS OF COLOGNE AND THEIR HAUGHTY ARCHBISHOPS N B LET THEM FIGHT ON A BRIDGE OVER THE RHINE UNLESS IT IS DISTINCTLY STATED SOMEWHERE THAT THEY DIDN'T BRING IN THE MINY SINGERS ESPECIALLY VULTA VON VOGELVIDE MAKE HIM SING UNDER A CASTLE WALL SOMEWHERE AND LET THE GIRL DIE TALK ABOUT ALBERT DURER CRITICISE HIS STYLE SAY IT'S FLAT IF POSSIBLE FIND OUT IF IT IS FLAT THE RAT TOWER ON THE RHINE NEAR BINGEN DESCRIBE THE PLACE AND TELL THE WHOLE STORY DON'T SPIN IT OUT TOO LONG BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT THE BROTHERS OF BONHOFEN STORY CONNECTED WITH THE TWIN CASTLES OF STERENBERG AND LIEBENSTEIN CONRAD AND HEINRICH BROTHERS BOTH LOVE HILDEGARDE SHE WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL HEINRICH GENEROUSLY REFUSES TO MARRY THE BEAUTIFUL HILDEGARDE AND GOES AWAY TO THE CRUSADES LEAVING HER TO HIS BROTHER CONRAD"
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"Away went the goat, at his end of the rope, and, with him, the dog at the other end.",
"AWAY WENT THE GOAT AT HIS END OF THE ROPE AND WITH HIM THE DOG AT THE OTHER END"
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"an, the boy's mother apparently, ran out from the cottage, and also made for the goat. The goat flew down the road, and the woman flew after it. At the first corner, the woman trod on the rope, and then _she_ went down with a bump and a screech. Then the goat turned and ran up the street, and, as it passed the cottage, the father ran out and tried to stop it. He was an old man, but still seemed to have plenty of vigour in him. He evidently guessed how his wife and child had gone down, and he endeavoured to avoid the rope and to skip over it when it came near him. But the goat's movements were too erratic for him. His turn came, and he trod on the rope, and went down in the middle of the road, opposite his own door, with a thud that shook us all up against each other as we stood looking out of the carriage-window, and sat there and cursed the goat. Then out ran a dog, barking furiously, and he went for the goat, and got the end of the rope in his teeth and held on to it like grim death.",
" SCREECH WHEREUPON A STOUT WOMAN THE BOY'S MOTHER APPARENTLY RAN OUT FROM THE COTTAGE AND ALSO MADE FOR THE GOAT THE GOAT FLEW DOWN THE ROAD AND THE WOMEN FLEW AFTER IT AT THE FIRST CORNER THE WOMAN TROD ON THE ROPE AND THEN SHE WENT DOWN WITH A BUMP AND A SCREECH THEN THE GOAT TURNED AND RAN UP THE STREET AND AS IT PASSED THE COTTAGE THE FATHER RAN OUT AND TRIED TO STOP IT HE WAS AN OLD MAN BUT STILL SEEMED TO HAVE PLENTY OF VIGOUR IN HIM HE EVIDENTLY GUESSED HOW HIS WIFE AND CHILD HAD GONE DOWN AND HE ENDEAVOURED TO AVOID THE ROPE AND TO SKIP OVER IT WHEN IT CAME NEAR HIM BUT THE GOAT'S MOVEMENTS WERE TOO ERRATIC FOR HIM HIS TURN CAME AND HE TROD ON THE ROPE AND WENT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OPPOSITE HIS OWN DOOR WITH A THUD THAT SHOOK US ALL UP AGAINST EACH OTHER AS WE STOOD LOOKING OUT OF THE CARRIAGE WINDOW AND SAT THERE AND CURSED THE GOAT THEN OUT RAN A DOG BARKING FURIOUSLY AND HE WENT FOR THE GOAT AND GOT THE END OF THE ROPE IN HIS TEETH AND HELD ON TO IT LIKE GRIM DEATH"
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"BUT THE GOAT'S MOVEMENTS WERE TOO ERRATIC FOR HIM HIS TURN CAME AND HE TROD ON THE ROPE AND WENT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OPPOSITE HIS OWN DOOR WITH A THUD THAT SHOOK US ALL UP AGAINST EACH OTHER AS WE STOOD LOOKING OUT OF THE CARRIAGE WINDOW AND SAT THERE AND CURSED THE GOAT"
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"dog. First we heard a yell, and then, from out a cottage opposite the station, bounded an innocent and happy goat, and gambolled around. A long rope, one end of which was fastened to his neck, trailed behind him. After the goat (in the double sense of the phrase) came a child. The child tried to catch the goat by means of the rope, caught itself in the rope instead, and went down with a bump and a screech. Whereupon a stout woman, the boy's mother apparently, ran out from the cottage, and also made for the goat. The goat flew down the road, and the woman flew after it. At the first corner, the woman trod on the rope, and then _she_ went down with a bump and a screech. Then the goat turned and ran up the street, and, as it passed the cottage, the father ran out and tried to stop it. He was an old man, but still seemed to have plenty of vigour in him. He evidently guessed how his wife and child had gone down, and he endeavoured to avoid the rope and to skip over it when it came near him.",
" BOY AND OWNERS OF THE GOAT AND A DOG FIRST WE HEARD A YELL AND THEN FROM OUT A COTTAGE OPPOSITE THE STATION BOUNDED AN INNOCENT AND HAPPY GOAT AND GAMBOLLED AROUND A LONG ROPE ONE END OF WHICH WAS FASTENED TO HIS NECK TRAILED BEHIND HIM AFTER THE GOAT IN THE DOUBLE SENSE OF THE PHRASE CAME A CHILD THE CHILD TRIED TO CATCH THE GOAT BY MEANS OF THE ROPE CAUGHT ITSELF IN THE ROPE INSTEAD AND WENT DOWN WITH A BUMP AND A SCREECH WHEREUPON A STOUT WOMAN THE BOY'S MOTHER APPARENTLY RAN OUT FROM THE COTTAGE AND ALSO MADE FOR THE GOAT THE GOAT FLEW DOWN THE ROAD AND THE WOMEN FLEW AFTER IT AT THE FIRST CORNER THE WOMAN TROD ON THE ROPE AND THEN SHE WENT DOWN WITH A BUMP AND A SCREECH THEN THE GOAT TURNED AND RAN UP THE STREET AND AS IT PASSED THE COTTAGE THE FATHER RAN OUT AND TRIED TO STOP IT HE WAS AN OLD MAN BUT STILL SEEMED TO HAVE PLENTY OF VIGOUR IN HIM HE EVIDENTLY GUESSED HOW HIS WIFE AND CHILD HAD GONE DOWN AND HE ENDEAVOURED TO AVOID THE ROPE AND TO SKIP OVER IT WHEN IT CAME NEAR HIM"
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"Talk about Albert Durer. Criticise his style. Say it's flat. (If possible, find out if it _is_ flat.)",
"TALK ABOUT ALBERT DURER CRITICISE HIS STYLE SAY IT'S FLAT IF POSSIBLE FIND OUT IF IT IS FLAT"
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"irit. They are dead now. Saint Ursula was murdered at Cologne, with eleven thousand virgin attendants. There must have been quite a party of them. Draw powerful and pathetic imaginary picture of the slaughter. (N.B.--Find out who murdered them all.) Say something about the Emperor Maximilian. Call him 'the mighty Maximilian.' Mention Charlemagne (a good deal should be made out of Charlemagne) and the Franks. (Find out all about the Franks, and where they lived, and what has become of them.) Sketch the various contests between the Romans and the Goths. (Read up 'Gibbon' for this, unless you can get enough out of _Mangnall's Questions_.) Give picturesque account--with comments--of the battles between the citizens of Cologne and their haughty archbishops. (N.B.--Let them fight on a bridge over the Rhine, unless it is distinctly stated somewhere that they didn't.) Bring in the Minne-singers, especially Walter von Vogelweid; make him sing under a castle-wall somewhere, and let the girl die.",
"LD MASTERS TREAT THEM IN A KINDLY AND GENTLE SPIRIT THEY ARE DEAD NOW SAINT URSULA WAS MURDERED AT COLOGNE WITH ELEVEN THOUSAND VIRGIN ATTENDANTS THERE MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE A PARTY OF THEM DRAW A POWERFUL AND PATHETIC IMAGINARY PICTURE OF THE SLAUGHTER N B FIND OUT WHO MURDERED THEM ALL SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE EMPEROR MAXIMILIAN CALL HIM THE MIGHTY MAXIMILIAN MENTION CHARLEMAGNE A GOOD DEAL SHOULD BE MADE OUT OF CHARLEMAGNE AND THE FRANKS FIND OUT ALL ABOUT THE FRANKS AND WHERE THEY LIVED AND WHAT HAS BECOME OF THEM SKETCH THE VARIOUS CONTESTS BETWEEN THE ROMANS AND THE GOTHS READ UP GIBBON FOR THIS UNLESS YOU CAN GET ENOUGH OUT OF MAGNOL'S QUESTIONS GIVE PICTURESQUE ACCOUNT WITH COMMENTS OF THE BATTLES BETWEEN THE CITIZENS OF COLOGNE AND THEIR HAUGHTY ARCHBISHOPS N B LET THEM FIGHT ON A BRIDGE OVER THE RHINE UNLESS IT IS DISTINCTLY STATED SOMEWHERE THAT THEY DIDN'T BRING IN THE MINY SINGERS ESPECIALLY VULTA VON VOGELVIDE MAKE HIM SING UNDER A CASTLE WALL SOMEWHERE AND LET THE GIRL DIE"
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"At Munich we left our luggage at the station, and went in search of breakfast. Of course, at eight o'clock in the morning none of the big cafes were open; but at length, beside some gardens, we found an old fashioned looking restaurant, from which came a pleasant odour of coffee and hot onions; and walking through and seating ourselves at one of the little tables, placed out under the trees, we took the bill of fare in our hands, and summoned the waiter to our side.",
"AT MUNICH WE LEFT OUR LUGGAGE AT THE STATION AND WENT IN SEARCH OF BREAKFAST OF COURSE AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING NONE OF THE BIG CAFES WERE OPEN BUT AT LENGTH BESIDE SOME GARDENS WE FOUND AN OLD FASHIONED LOOKING RESTAURANT FROM WHICH CAME A PLEASANT ODOR OF COFFEE AND HOT ONIONS AND WALKING THROUGH AND SEATING OURSELVES AT ONE OF THE LITTLE TABLES PLACED OUT UNDER THE TREES WE TOOK THE BILL OF FARE IN OUR HANDS AND SUMMONED THE WAITER TO OUR SIDE"
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"n he likewise discovered that there was no towel, the recollection of my own discomfiture passed gently away. Ah! how true it is, as good people tell us, that in thinking of the sorrows of others, we learn to forget our own! For fifty miles before one reaches Munich, the land is flat, stale, and apparently very unprofitable, and there is little to interest the looker-out. He sits straining his eyes towards the horizon, eagerly longing for some sign of the city to come in sight. It lies very low, however, and does all it can to escape observation; and it is not until he is almost within its streets that he discovers it. THE REST OF SUNDAY, THE 25TH We Seek Breakfast.--I Air My German.--The Art of Gesture.--The Intelligence of the Premiere Danseuse.--Performance of English Pantomime in the Pyrenees.--Sad Result Therefrom.--The \"German Conversation\" Book.--Its Narrow-minded View of Human Wants and Aspirations.--Sunday in Munich.--Hans and Gretchen.--High Life v. Low Life.--\"A Beer-Cellar.",
" CHAPTER EIGHT OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE THE REST OF SUNDAY THE TWENTY FIFTH WE SEEK BREAKFAST I AIR MY GERMAN THE ART OF GESTURE THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE PREMIERE DANCERS PERFORMANCE OF ENGLISH PANTOMIME IN THE PYRENEES SAD RESULT THEREFROM THE GERMAN CONVERSATION BOOK ITS NARROW MINDED VIEW OF HUMAN WANTS AND ASPIRATIONS SUNDAY IN MUNICH HANS AND GRETCHEN HIGH LIFE V LOW LIFE A BEER CELLAR"
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"ere was plenty of oil and vinegar, and pepper and salt and mustard in the list, but nothing to put them on. I could have had a hard-boiled egg, or a slice of ham; but I did not want a hard-boiled egg, or a slice of ham. I wanted a savoury omelette; and that was an article of diet that the authors of this \"Handy Little Guide,\" as they termed it in their preface, had evidently never heard of. Since my return home, I have, out of curiosity, obtained three or four \"English-German Dialogues\" and \"Conversation Books,\" intended to assist the English traveller in his efforts to make himself understood by the German people, and I have come to the conclusion that the work I took out with me was the most sensible and practical of the lot. Finding it utterly hopeless to explain ourselves to the waiter, we let the thing go, and trusted to Providence; and in about ten minutes the man brought us a steaming omelette, with about a pound of strawberry jam inside, and powdered sugar all over the outside.",
" WHEN HE IS IN HIS OWN COUNTRY THERE WAS PLENTY OF OIL AND VINEGAR AND PEPPER AND SALT AND MUSTARD IN THE LIST BUT NOTHING TO PUT THEM ON I COULD HAVE HAD A HARD BOILED EGG OR A SLICE OF HAM BUT I DID NOT WANT A HARD BOILED EGG OR A SLICE OF HAM I WANTED A SAVOURY OMELET AND THAT WAS AN ARTICLE OF DIET THAT THE AUTHORS OF THIS HANDY LITTLE GUIDE AS THEY TERMED IT IN THEIR PREFACE HAD EVIDENTLY NEVER HEARD OF SINCE MY RETURN HOME I HAVE OUT OF CURIOSITY OBTAINED THREE OR FOUR ENGLISH GERMAN DIALOGUES AND CONVERSATION BOOKS INTENDED TO ASSIST THE ENGLISH TRAVELLER IN HIS EFFORTS TO MAKE HIMSELF UNDERSTOOD BY THE GERMAN PEOPLE AND I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE WORK I TOOK OUT WITH ME WAS THE MOST SENSIBLE AND PRACTICAL OF THE LOT FINDING IT UTTERLY HOPELESS TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES TO THE WAITER WE LET THE THING GO AND TRUSTED TO PROVIDENCE AND IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES THE MAN BROUGHT US A STEAMING OMELET WITH ABOUT A POUND OF STRAWBERRY JAM INSIDE AND POWDERED SUGAR ALL OVER THE OUTSIDE"
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"We gentlefolks only play at living. We have our rules and regulations for the game, which must not be infringed. Our unwritten guide books direct us what to do and what to say at each turn of the meaningless sport.",
"WE GENTLEFOLKS ONLY PLAY AT LIVING WE HAVE OUR RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR THE GAME WHICH MUST NOT BE INFRINGED OUR UNWRITTEN GUIDE BOOKS DIRECT US WHAT TO DO AND WHAT TO SAY AT EACH TURN OF THE MEANINGLESS SPORT"
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"s injury, in the days when the world was much bigger than it is now, and much more real and interesting. Munich and the country round about it make a great exchange of peoples every Sunday. In the morning, trainload after trainload of villagers and mountaineers pour into the town, and trainload after trainload of good and other citizens steam out to spend the day in wood and valley, and upon lake and mountain-side. We went into one or two of the beer-halls--not into the swell cafes, crowded with tourists and Munich masherdom, but into the low-ceilinged, smoke-grimed cellars where the life of the people is to be seen. The ungenteel people in a country are so much more interesting than the gentlefolks. One lady or gentleman is painfully like every other lady or gentleman. There is so little individuality, so little character, among the upper circles of the world. They talk like each other, they think and act like each other, they dress like each other, and look very much like each other.",
" EACH OTHER ANY SERIOUS INJURY IN THE DAYS WHEN THE WORLD WAS MUCH BIGGER THAN IT IS NOW AND MUCH MORE REAL AND INTERESTING MUNICH AND THE COUNTRY ROUND ABOUT IT MAKE A GREAT EXCHANGE OF PEOPLES EVERY SUNDAY IN THE MORNING TRAINLOAD AFTER TRAINLOAD OF VILLAGERS AND MOUNTAINEERS POUR INTO THE TOWN AND TRAINLOAD AFTER TRAINLOAD OF GOOD AND OTHER CITIZENS STEAM OUT TO SPEND THE DAY IN WOOD AND VALLEY AND UPON LAKE AND MOUNTAIN SIDE WE WENT INTO ONE OR TWO OF THE BEER HALLS NOT INTO THE SWELL CAFES CROWDED WITH TOURISTS AND MUNICH MASHEDON BUT INTO THE LOW CEILINGS SMOKE GRIMED CELLARS WHERE THE LIFE OF THE PEOPLE IS TO BE SEEN THE UNGENTEEL PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE GENTLEFOLKS ONE LADY OR GENTLEMAN IS PAINFULLY LIKE EVERY OTHER LADY OR GENTLEMAN THERE IS SO LITTLE INDIVIDUALITY SO LITTLE CHARACTER AMONG THE UPPER CIRCLES OF THE WORLD THEY TALK LIKE EACH OTHER THEY THINK AND ACT LIKE EACH OTHER THEY DRESS LIKE EACH OTHER AND LOOK VERY MUCH LIKE EACH OTHER"
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"FINDING IT UTTERLY HOPELESS TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES TO THE WAITER WE LET THE THING GO AND TRUSTED TO PROVIDENCE AND IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES THE MAN BROUGHT US A STEAMING OMELET WITH ABOUT A POUND OF STRAWBERRY JAM INSIDE AND POWDERED SUGAR ALL OVER THE OUTSIDE"
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",\" I found a short vocabulary; but it was mainly concerned with \"raspberries\" and \"figs\" and \"medlars\" (whatever they may be; I never heard of them myself), and \"chestnuts,\" and such like things that a man hardly ever wants, even when he is in his own country. There was plenty of oil and vinegar, and pepper and salt and mustard in the list, but nothing to put them on. I could have had a hard-boiled egg, or a slice of ham; but I did not want a hard-boiled egg, or a slice of ham. I wanted a savoury omelette; and that was an article of diet that the authors of this \"Handy Little Guide,\" as they termed it in their preface, had evidently never heard of. Since my return home, I have, out of curiosity, obtained three or four \"English-German Dialogues\" and \"Conversation Books,\" intended to assist the English traveller in his efforts to make himself understood by the German people, and I have come to the conclusion that the work I took out with me was the most sensible and practical of the lot.",
"TTE UNDER THE HEAD OF EATING AND DRINKING I FOUND A SHORT VOCABULARY BUT IT WAS MAINLY CONCERNED WITH RASPBERRIES AND FIG AND MEDDLERS WHATEVER THEY MIGHT BE I NEVER HEARD OF THEM MYSELF AND CHESTNUTS AND SUCH LIKE THINGS THAT A MAN HARDLY EVER WANTS EVEN WHEN HE IS IN HIS OWN COUNTRY THERE WAS PLENTY OF OIL AND VINEGAR AND PEPPER AND SALT AND MUSTARD IN THE LIST BUT NOTHING TO PUT THEM ON I COULD HAVE HAD A HARD BOILED EGG OR A SLICE OF HAM BUT I DID NOT WANT A HARD BOILED EGG OR A SLICE OF HAM I WANTED A SAVOURY OMELET AND THAT WAS AN ARTICLE OF DIET THAT THE AUTHORS OF THIS HANDY LITTLE GUIDE AS THEY TERMED IT IN THEIR PREFACE HAD EVIDENTLY NEVER HEARD OF SINCE MY RETURN HOME I HAVE OUT OF CURIOSITY OBTAINED THREE OR FOUR ENGLISH GERMAN DIALOGUES AND CONVERSATION BOOKS INTENDED TO ASSIST THE ENGLISH TRAVELLER IN HIS EFFORTS TO MAKE HIMSELF UNDERSTOOD BY THE GERMAN PEOPLE AND I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE WORK I TOOK OUT WITH ME WAS THE MOST SENSIBLE AND PRACTICAL OF THE LOT"
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"that wanting to know the German for it. At the end of the book were German proverbs and \"Idiomatic Phrases,\" by which latter would appear to be meant in all languages, \"phrases for the use of idiots\":--\"A sparrow in the hand is better than a pigeon on the roof.\"--\"Time brings roses.\"--\"The eagle does not catch flies.\"--\"One should not buy a cat in a sack,\"--as if there were a large class of consumers who habitually did purchase their cats in that way, thus enabling unscrupulous dealers to palm off upon them an inferior cat, and whom it was accordingly necessary to advise against the custom. I skimmed through all this nonsense, but not a word could I discover anywhere about a savoury omelette. Under the head of \"Eating and Drinking,\" I found a short vocabulary; but it was mainly concerned with \"raspberries\" and \"figs\" and \"medlars\" (whatever they may be; I never heard of them myself), and \"chestnuts,\" and such like things that a man hardly ever wants, even when he is in his own country.",
" A BASIN FOR ME IMAGINE A PERSON WHO FELT LIKE THAT WANTING TO KNOW THE GERMAN FOR IT AT THE END OF THE BOOK WERE GERMAN PROVERBS AND IDIOMATIC PHRASES BY WHICH LATTER WOULD APPEAR TO BE MEANT IN ALL LANGUAGES PHRASES FOR THE USE OF IDIOTS A SPARROW IN THE HAND IS BETTER THAN A PIGEON ON THE ROOF TIME BRINGS ROSES THE EAGLE DOES NOT CATCH FLIES ONE SHOULD NOT BUY A CAT IN A SACK AS IF THERE WERE A LARGE CLASS OF CONSUMERS WHO HABITUALLY DID PURCHASE THEIR CATS IN THAT WAY THUS ENABLING UNSCRUPULOUS DEALERS TO PALM OFF UPON THEM AN INFERIOR CAT AND WHOM IT WAS ACCORDINGLY NECESSARY TO ADVISE AGAINST THE CUSTOM I SKIMMED THROUGH ALL THIS NONSENSE BUT NOT A WORD COULD I DISCOVER ANYWHERE ABOUT A SAVOURY OMELETTE UNDER THE HEAD OF EATING AND DRINKING I FOUND A SHORT VOCABULARY BUT IT WAS MAINLY CONCERNED WITH RASPBERRIES AND FIG AND MEDDLERS WHATEVER THEY MIGHT BE I NEVER HEARD OF THEM MYSELF AND CHESTNUTS AND SUCH LIKE THINGS THAT A MAN HARDLY EVER WANTS EVEN WHEN HE IS IN HIS OWN COUNTRY"
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"I have seen the bad man in a ballet convey to the _premiere danseuse_ by a subtle movement of the left leg, together with some slight assistance from the drum, the heartrending intelligence that the lady she had been brought up to believe was her mother was in reality only her aunt by marriage.",
"I HAVE SEEN THE BAD MAN IN A BALLET CONVEYED TO THE PREMIERE DANCERS BY A SUBTLE MOVEMENT OF THE LEFT LEG TOGETHER WITH SOME SLIGHT ASSISTANCE FROM THE DRUM THE HEARTRENDING INTELLIGENCE THAT THE LADY SHE HAD BEEN BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE WAS HER MOTHER WAS IN REALITY ONLY HER AUNT BY MARRIAGE"
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"hot jam and chocolate-creams. You know their style.\" \"Oh, yes,\" I answered. \"Of course. Yes. Let me see. What is the German for savoury?\" \"Savoury?\" mused B. \"Oh! ah! hum! Bothered if I know! Confound the thing--I can't think of it!\" I could not think of it either. As a matter of fact, I never knew it. We tried the man with French. We said: \"_Une omelette aux fines herbes_.\" As he did not appear to understand that, we gave it him in bad English. We twisted and turned the unfortunate word \"savoury\" into sounds so quaint, so sad, so unearthly, that you would have thought they might have touched the heart of a savage. This stoical Teuton, however, remained unmoved. Then we tried pantomime. Pantomime is to language what marmalade, according to the label on the pot, is to butter, \"an excellent (occasional) substitute.\" But its powers as an interpreter of thought are limited. At least, in real life they are so. As regards a ballet, it is difficult to say what is not explainable by pantomime.",
"IM A SAVOURY ONE SAID B OR HE WILL BE BRINGING US SOMETHING FULL OF HOT JAM AND CHOCOLATE CREAMS YOU KNOW THEIR STYLE OH YES I ANSWERED OF COURSE YES LET ME SEE WHAT IS THE GERMAN FOR SAVOURY SAVOURY MUSED B OH AH UM BOTHERED IF I KNOW CONFOUND THE THING I CAN'T THINK OF IT I COULD NOT THINK OF IT EITHER AS A MATTER OF FACT I NEVER KNEW IT WE TRIED THE MAN WITH FRENCH WE SAID UHMLET AU FINNE ELBE AS HE DID NOT APPEAR TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE GAVE IT HIM IN BAD ENGLISH WE TWISTED AND TURNED THE UNFORTUNATE WORDS SAVOURY INTO SOUNDS SO QUAINT SO SAD SO UNEARTHLY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THE HEART OF A SAVAGE THIS STOICAL TEUTON HOWEVER REMAINED UNMOVED THEN WE TRIED PANTOMIME PANTOMIME IS THE LANGUAGE WHAT MARMALADE ACCORDING TO THE LABEL ON THE POT IS THE BUTTER AN EXCELLENT OCCASIONAL SUBSTITUTE BUT ITS POWERS AS AN INTERPRETER OF THOUGHT ARE LIMITED AT LEAST IN REAL LIFE THEY ARE SO AS REGARDS A BALLET IT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHAT IS NOT EXPLAINABLE BY PANTOMIME"
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"What the red paint was for, I could not understand. B. thought that it was put there for suicidal purposes. His idea was that the customer, after eating all the other things in the plate, would wish he were dead, and that the restaurant people, knowing this, had thoughtfully provided him with red paint for one, so that he could poison himself off and get out of his misery.",
"WHAT THE RED PAINT WAS FOR I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND B THOUGHT THAT IT WAS PUT THERE FOR SUICIDAL PURPOSES HIS IDEA WAS THAT THE CUSTOMER AFTER EATING ALL THE OTHER THINGS IN THE PLACE WOULD WISH HE WERE DEAD AND THAT THE RESTAURANT PEOPLE KNOWING THIS HAD THOUGHTFULLY PROVIDED HIM WITH RED PAINT FOR ONE SO THAT HE COULD POISON HIMSELF OFF AND GET OUT OF HIS MISERY"
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" so that when I looked down the cheese department of the bill of fare, and came across \"liptauer garnit,\" an article of diet I had never before heard of, I determined to sample it. It was not a tempting-looking cheese. It was an unhealthy, sad-looking cheese. It looked like a cheese that had seen trouble. In appearance it resembled putty more than anything else. It even tasted like putty--at least, like I should imagine putty would taste. To this hour I am not positive that it was not putty. The garnishing was even more remarkable than the cheese. All the way round the plate were piled articles that I had never before seen at a dinner, and that I do not ever want to see there again. There was a little heap of split-peas, three or four remarkably small potatoes--at least, I suppose they were potatoes; if not, they were pea-nuts boiled soft,--some caraway-seeds, a very young-looking fish, apparently of the stickleback breed, and some red paint. It was quite a little dinner all to itself.",
" TRYING NEW VARIETIES OF CHEESE SO THAT WHEN I LOOKED DOWN THE CHEESE DEPARTMENT OF THE BILL OF FARE AND CAME ACROSS LIPTOWER GARNET AN ARTICLE OF DIET I HAD NEVER BEFORE HEARD OF I DETERMINED TO SAMPLE IT IT WAS NOT A TEMPTING LOOKING CHEESE IT WAS AN UNHEALTHY SAD LOOKING CHEESE IT LOOKED LIKE A CHEESE THAT HAD SEEN TROUBLE IN APPEARANCE IT RESEMBLED PUTTY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IT EVEN TASTED LIKE PUTTY AT LEAST LIKE I SHOULD IMAGINE PUTTY WOULD TASTE TO THIS HOUR I AM NOT POSITIVE THAT IT WAS NOT PUTTY THE GARNISHING WAS EVEN MORE REMARKABLE THAN THE CHEESE ALL THE WAY ROUND THE PLATE WERE PILED ARTICLES THAT I HAD NEVER BEFORE SEEN AT A DINNER AND THAT I DO NOT EVER WANT TO SEE THERE AGAIN THERE WAS A LITTLE HEAP OF SPLIT PEAS THREE OR FOUR REMARKABLY SMALL POTATOES AT LEAST I SUPPOSE THEY WERE POTATOES IF NOT THEY WERE PEANUTS BOILED SOFT SOME CARAWAY SEEDS A VERY YOUNG LOOKING FISH APPARENTLY OF THE STICKLEBACK BREED AND SOME RED PAINT IT WAS QUITE A LITTLE DINNER ALL TO ITSELF"
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"I mention that we had dinner, not because I think that the information will prove exciting to the reader, but because I wish to warn my countrymen, travelling in Germany, against undue indulgence in Liptauer cheese.",
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"ld wrinkled faces. The curves of cunning and kindliness lurk round these fading eyes. The lines of greed hover about these bloodless lips, that have so often been tight-pressed in patient heroism. SUNDAY, 25TH--CONTINUED We Dine.--A Curious Dish.--\"A Feeling of Sadness Comes O'er Me.\"--The German Cigar.--The Handsomest Match in Europe.--\"How Easy 'tis for Friends to Drift Apart,\" especially in a place like Munich Railway Station.--The Victim of Fate.--A Faithful Bradshaw.--Among the Mountains.--Prince and Pauper.--A Modern Romance.--Arrival at Oberau.--Wise and Foolish Pilgrims.--An Interesting Drive.--Ettal and its Monastery.--We Reach the Goal of our Pilgrimage. At one o'clock we turned into a restaurant for dinner. The Germans themselves always dine in the middle of the day, and a very substantial meal they make of it. At the hotels frequented by tourists _table d'hote_ is, during the season, fixed for about six or seven, but this is only done to meet the views of foreign customers.",
" CHAPTER NINE OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBRARY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE SUNDAY TWENTY FIFTH CONTINUED WE DINE A CURIOUS DISH A FEELING OF SADNESS COMES O'ER ME THE GERMAN CIGAR THE HANDSOMEST MATCH IN EUROPE HOW EASY TIS FOR FRIENDS TO DRIFT APART ESPECIALLY IN A PLACE LIKE MUNICH RAILWAY STATION THE VICTIM OF FATE A FAITHFUL BRADSHAW AMONG THE MOUNTAINS PRINCE AND PAUPER A MODERN ROMANCE ARRIVAL AT OBEROW WISE AND FOOLISH PILGRIMS AN INTERESTING DRIVE ETEL AND ITS MONASTERY WE REACHED THE GOAL OF OUR PILGRIMAGE AT ONE O'CLOCK WE TURNED INTO A RESTAURANT FOR DINNER THE GERMANS THEMSELVES ALWAYS DINE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND A VERY SUBSTANTIAL MEAL THEY MAKE OF IT AT THE HOTELS FREQUENTED BY TOURISTS TABLER D'HOTE IS DURING THE SEASON FIXED FOR ABOUT SIX OR SEVEN BUT THIS IS ONLY DONE TO MEET THE VIEWS OF FOREIGN CUSTOMERS"
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"I am fond of cheese, and of trying new varieties of cheese; so that when I looked down the cheese department of the bill of fare, and came across \"liptauer garnit,\" an article of diet I had never before heard of, I determined to sample it.",
"I AM FOND OF CHEESE AND OF TRYING NEW VARIETIES OF CHEESE SO THAT WHEN I LOOKED DOWN THE CHEESE DEPARTMENT OF THE BILL OF FARE AND CAME ACROSS LIPTOWER GARNET AN ARTICLE OF DIET I HAD NEVER BEFORE HEARD OF I DETERMINED TO SAMPLE IT"
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"NUED We Dine.--A Curious Dish.--\"A Feeling of Sadness Comes O'er Me.\"--The German Cigar.--The Handsomest Match in Europe.--\"How Easy 'tis for Friends to Drift Apart,\" especially in a place like Munich Railway Station.--The Victim of Fate.--A Faithful Bradshaw.--Among the Mountains.--Prince and Pauper.--A Modern Romance.--Arrival at Oberau.--Wise and Foolish Pilgrims.--An Interesting Drive.--Ettal and its Monastery.--We Reach the Goal of our Pilgrimage. At one o'clock we turned into a restaurant for dinner. The Germans themselves always dine in the middle of the day, and a very substantial meal they make of it. At the hotels frequented by tourists _table d'hote_ is, during the season, fixed for about six or seven, but this is only done to meet the views of foreign customers. I mention that we had dinner, not because I think that the information will prove exciting to the reader, but because I wish to warn my countrymen, travelling in Germany, against undue indulgence in Liptauer cheese.",
"RDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE SUNDAY TWENTY FIFTH CONTINUED WE DINE A CURIOUS DISH A FEELING OF SADNESS COMES O'ER ME THE GERMAN CIGAR THE HANDSOMEST MATCH IN EUROPE HOW EASY TIS FOR FRIENDS TO DRIFT APART ESPECIALLY IN A PLACE LIKE MUNICH RAILWAY STATION THE VICTIM OF FATE A FAITHFUL BRADSHAW AMONG THE MOUNTAINS PRINCE AND PAUPER A MODERN ROMANCE ARRIVAL AT OBEROW WISE AND FOOLISH PILGRIMS AN INTERESTING DRIVE ETEL AND ITS MONASTERY WE REACHED THE GOAL OF OUR PILGRIMAGE AT ONE O'CLOCK WE TURNED INTO A RESTAURANT FOR DINNER THE GERMANS THEMSELVES ALWAYS DINE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND A VERY SUBSTANTIAL MEAL THEY MAKE OF IT AT THE HOTELS FREQUENTED BY TOURISTS TABLER D'HOTE IS DURING THE SEASON FIXED FOR ABOUT SIX OR SEVEN BUT THIS IS ONLY DONE TO MEET THE VIEWS OF FOREIGN CUSTOMERS I MENTION THAT WE HAD DINNER NOT BECAUSE I THINK THAT THE INFORMATION WILL PROVE EXCITING TO THE READER BUT BECAUSE I WISH TO WARN MY COUNTRYMEN TRAVELLING IN GERMANY AGAINST UNDUE INDULGENCE IN LIPTAUER CHEESE"
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"If there is one train out of forty that goes on \"Saturdays only\" to some place I want to get to, that is the train I select to travel by on a Friday. On Saturday morning I get up at six, swallow a hasty breakfast, and rush off to catch a return train that goes on every day in the week \"except Saturdays.\"",
"IF THERE IS ONE TRAIN OUT OF FORTY THAT GOES ON SATURDAYS ONLY TO SOME PLACE I WANT TO GET TO THAT IS THE TRAIN I SELECT TO TRAVEL BY ON A FRIDAY ON SATURDAY MORNING I GET UP AT SIX SWALLOW A HASTY BREAKFAST AND RUSH OFF TO CATCH A RETURN TRAIN THAT GOES ON EVERY DAY IN THE WEEK EXCEPT SATURDAYS"
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"cted to it. \"Please can you tell me,\" we would say, \"the nearest way to the door of the third-class refreshment room?\" When three o'clock came, and still we had not found the 3.10 train, we became quite anxious about the poor thing, and made inquiries concerning it. \"The 3.10 train to Ober-Ammergau,\" they said. \"Oh, we've not thought about that yet.\" \"Haven't thought about it!\" we exclaimed indignantly. \"Well, do for heaven's sake wake up a bit. It is 3.5 now!\" \"Yes,\" they answered, \"3.5 in the afternoon; the 3.10 is a night train. Don't you see it's printed in thick type? All the trains between six in the evening and six in the morning are printed in fat figures, and the day trains in thin. You have got plenty of time. Look around after supper.\" I do believe I am the most unfortunate man at a time-table that ever was born. I do not think it can be stupidity; for if it were mere stupidity, I should occasionally, now and then when I was feeling well, not make a mistake. It must be fate.",
" AND ASK TO BE DIRECTED TO IT PLEASE CAN YOU TELL ME WE WOULD SAY THE NEAREST WAY TO THE DOOR OF THE THIRD CLASS REFRESHMENT ROOM WHEN THREE O'CLOCK CAME AND STILL WE HAD NOT FOUND THE THREE TEN TRAIN WE BECAME QUITE ANXIOUS ABOUT THE POOR THING AND MADE INQUIRIES CONCERNING IT THE THREE TEN TRAIN TO OBER AMMERGAU THEY SAID OH WE'VE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT THAT YET HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT WE EXCLAIMED INDIGNANTLY WELL DO FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE WAKE UP A BIT IT'S THREE FIVE NOW YES THEY ANSWERED THREE FIVE IN THE AFTERNOON THE THREE TEN IS A NIGHT TRAIN DON'T YOU SEE IT'S PRINTED IN THICK TYPE ALL THE TRAINS BETWEEN SIX IN THE EVENING AND SIX IN THE MORNING ARE PRINTED IN FAT FIGURES AND THE DAY TRAINS IN THIN YOU HAVE GOT PLENTY OF TIME LOOK AROUND AFTER SUPPER I DO BELIEVE I AM THE MOST UNFORTUNATE MAN AT THE TIME TABLE THAT EVER WAS BORN I DO NOT THINK IT CAN BE STUPIDITY FOR IF IT WERE MERE STUPIDITY I SHOULD OCCASIONALLY NOW AND THEN WHEN I WAS FEELING WELL NOT MAKE A MISTAKE IT MUST BE FATE"
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"Maybe the stout arms and hearts of his Bavarian friends were of some service in the crisis also; but the living helpers were forgotten. The old church and monastery, which latter was a sort of ancient Chelsea Hospital for decayed knights, was destroyed one terrible night some hundred and fifty years ago by a flash of lightning; but the wonder working image was rescued unhurt, and may still be seen and worshipped beneath the dome of the present much less imposing church which has been reared upon the ruins of its ancestor.",
"MAYBE THE STOUT ARMS AND HEARTS OF HIS BAVARIAN FRIENDS WERE OF SOME SERVICE IN THE CRISIS ALSO BUT THE LIVING HELPERS WERE FORGOTTEN THE OLD CHURCH AND MONASTERY WHICH LATTER WAS A SORT OF ANCIENT CHELSEA HOSPITAL FOR DECAYED KNIGHTS WAS DESTROYED ONE TERRIBLE NIGHT SOME HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS AGO BY A FLASH OF LIGHTNING BUT THE WONDER WORKING IMAGE WAS RESCUED UNHURT AND MAY STILL BE SEEN AND WORSHIPPED BENEATH THE DOME OF THE PRESENT MUCH LESS IMPOSING CHURCH WHICH HAS BEEN REARED UPON THE RUINS OF ITS ANCESTOR"
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"nt, the faster, of course, we could go. The rougher the road, the more anxious the horses seemed to be to get over it quickly. During the gallop, B. and I enjoyed, in a condensed form, all the advantages usually derived from crossing the Channel on a stormy day, riding on a switchback railway, and being tossed in a blanket--a hard, nobbly blanket, full of nasty corners and sharp edges. I should never have thought that so many different sensations could have been obtained from one machine! About half-way up we passed Ettal, at the entrance to the Valley of the Ammer. The great white temple, standing, surrounded by its little village, high up amid the mountain solitudes, is a famous place of pilgrimage among devout Catholics. Many hundreds of years ago, one of the early Bavarian kings built here a monastery as a shrine for a miraculous image of the Virgin that had been sent down to him from Heaven to help him when, in a foreign land, he had stood sore in need, encompassed by his enemies.",
" FORGOTTEN THE STEEPER THE DESCENT THE FASTER OF COURSE WE COULD GO THE ROUGHER THE ROAD THE MORE ANXIOUS THE HORSES SEEMED TO BE TO GET OVER IT QUICKLY DURING THE GALLOP B AND I ENJOYED IN A CONDENSED FORM ALL THE ADVANTAGES USUALLY DERIVED FROM CROSSING THE CHANNEL ON A STORMY DAY RIDING ON A SWITCHBACK RAILWAY AND BEING TOSSED IN A BLANKET A HARD NOBBY BLANKET FULL OF NASTY CORNERS AND SHARP EDGES I SHOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT THAT SO MANY DIFFERENT SENSATIONS COULD HAVE BEEN OBTAINED FROM ONE MACHINE ABOUT HALF WAY UP WE PASSED ETHEL AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE VALLEY OF THE AMA THE GREAT WHITE TEMPLE STANDING SURROUNDED BY ITS LITTLE VILLAGE HIGH UP AMID THE MOUNTAIN SOLITUDES IS A FAMOUS PLACE OF PILGRIMAGE AMONG DEVOUT CATHOLICS MANY HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO ONE OF THE EARLY BAVARIAN KINGS BUILT HERE A MONASTERY AS A SHRINE FOR A MIRACULOUS IMAGE OF THE VIRGIN THAT HAD BEEN SENT DOWN TO HIM FROM HEAVEN TO HELP HIM WHEN IN A FOREIGN LAND HE HAD STOOD SORE IN NEED ENCOMPASSED BY HIS ENEMIES"
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"The Count then went abroad to try and make, or at all events improve, his fortune. He went to America, and there he prospered. In a year or two he came back, tolerably rich to find, however, that he was too late. His lady, persuaded of his death, had been urged into a marriage with a rich somebody else.",
"THE COUNT THEN WENT ABROAD TO TRY AND MAKE OR AT ALL EVENTS IMPROVE HIS FORTUNE HE WENT TO AMERICA AND THERE HE PROSPERED IN A YEAR OR TWO HE CAME BACK TOLERABLY RICH TO FIND HOWEVER THAT HE WAS TOO LATE HIS LADY PERSUADED OF HIS DEATH HAD BEEN URGED INTO A MARRIAGE WITH A RICH SOMEBODY ELSE"
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"--life would have been too delightful. But that would not have suited Fate. She loves to laugh at men, and to make of life a paradox. To the one, she played ravishing strains, having first taken the precaution to make him stone-deaf. To the other, she piped a few poor notes on a cracked tin-whistle, and he thought it was music, and danced! A few years later on, at the very same spot where King Ludwig threw back to the gods their gift of life, a pair of somewhat foolish young lovers ended their disappointments, and, finding they could not be wedded together in life, wedded themselves together in death. The story, duly reported in the newspapers as an item of foreign intelligence, read more like some old Rhine-legend than the record of a real occurrence in this prosaic nineteenth century. He was a German Count, if I remember rightly, and, like most German Counts, had not much money; and her father, as fathers will when proposed to by impecunious would-be sons-in-law, refused his consent.",
"OUGHT OF DROWNING HIMSELF THEN LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO DELIGHTFUL BUT THAT WOULD NOT HAVE SUITED FATE SHE LOVES TO LAUGH AT MEN AND TO MAKE OF LIFE A PARADOX TO THE ONE SHE PLAYED RAVISHING STRAINS HAVING FIRST TAKEN THE PRECAUTION TO MAKE HIM STONE DEAF TO THE OTHER SHE PIPED A FEW POOR NOTES ON A CRACK TIN WHISTLE AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS MUSIC AND DANCED A FEW YEARS LATER ON AT THE VERY SAME SPOT WHERE KING LUDVIG THREW BACK TO THE GODS THEIR GIFT OF LIFE A PAIR OF SOMEWHAT FOOLISH YOUNG LOVERS ENDED THEIR DISAPPOINTMENTS AND FINDING THEY COULD NOT BE WEDDED TOGETHER IN LIFE WEDDED THEMSELVES TOGETHER IN DEATH THE STORY DULY REPORTED IN THE NEWSPAPERS AS AN ITEM OF FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE READ MORE LIKE SOME OLD RHINE LEGEND THAN THE RECORD OF A REAL OCCURRENCE IN THIS PROSAIC NINETEENTH CENTURY HE WAS A GERMAN COUNT IF I REMEMBER RIGHTLY AND LIKE MOST GERMAN COUNTS HAD NOT MUCH MONEY AND HER FATHER AS FATHER'S WILL WHEN PROPOSED TO BY IMPECUNIOUS WOULD BE SONS IN LAW REFUSED HIS CONSENT"
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"A Curious Dish. \"A Feeling of Sadness Comes O'er Me.\" The German Cigar. The Handsomest Match in Europe.",
"A CURIOUS DISH A FEELING OF SADNESS COMES O'ER ME THE GERMAN CIGAR THE HANDSOMEST MATCH IN EUROPE"
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"on, like a great resistless river. Four young artisans come clamping along in their hob-nailed boots, and seating themselves at one of the rude wooden tables, call for beer. With their arms round the waist of the utterly indifferent Fraulein, they shout and laugh and sing. Nearly all the young folks here are laughing--looking forward to life. All the old folks are talking, remembering it. What grand pictures some of these old, seared faces round us would make, if a man could only paint them--paint all that is in them, all the tragedy--and comedy that the great playwright, Life, has written upon the withered skins! Joys and sorrows, sordid hopes and fears, child-like strivings to be good, mean selfishness and grand unselfishness, have helped to fashion these old wrinkled faces. The curves of cunning and kindliness lurk round these fading eyes. The lines of greed hover about these bloodless lips, that have so often been tight-pressed in patient heroism. SUNDAY, 25TH--CONTINUED We Dine.--",
" CHAPTER NINE OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBRARY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE SUNDAY TWENTY FIFTH CONTINUED WE DINE"
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"After the second of the month, I never see either of them again. What their fate is, I can only guess.",
"AFTER THE SECOND OF THE MONTH I NEVER SEE EITHER OF THEM AGAIN WHAT THEIR FATE IS I CAN ONLY GUESS"
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"nk it can be stupidity; for if it were mere stupidity, I should occasionally, now and then when I was feeling well, not make a mistake. It must be fate. If there is one train out of forty that goes on \"Saturdays only\" to some place I want to get to, that is the train I select to travel by on a Friday. On Saturday morning I get up at six, swallow a hasty breakfast, and rush off to catch a return train that goes on every day in the week \"except Saturdays.\" I go to London, Brighton and South Coast Railway-stations and clamour for South-Eastern trains. On Bank Holidays I forget it is Bank Holiday, and go and sit on draughty platforms for hours, waiting for trains that do not run on Bank Holidays. To add to my misfortunes, I am the miserable possessor of a demon time-table that I cannot get rid of, a Bradshaw for August, 1887. Regularly, on the first of each month, I buy and bring home with me a new Bradshaw and a new A.B.C. What becomes of them after the second of the month, I do not know.",
"DO NOT THINK IT CAN BE STUPIDITY FOR IF IT WERE MERE STUPIDITY I SHOULD OCCASIONALLY NOW AND THEN WHEN I WAS FEELING WELL NOT MAKE A MISTAKE IT MUST BE FATE IF THERE IS ONE TRAIN OUT OF FORTY THAT GOES ON SATURDAYS ONLY TO SOME PLACE I WANT TO GET TO THAT IS THE TRAIN I SELECT TO TRAVEL BY ON A FRIDAY ON SATURDAY MORNING I GET UP AT SIX SWALLOW A HASTY BREAKFAST AND RUSH OFF TO CATCH A RETURN TRAIN THAT GOES ON EVERY DAY IN THE WEEK EXCEPT SATURDAYS I GO TO LONDON BRIGHTON AND SOUTH COAST RAILWAY STATIONS AND CLAMOUR FOR SOUTH EASTERN TRAINS ON BANK HOLIDAYS I FORGET IT IS BANK HOLIDAY AND GO AND SIT ON DRAUGHTY PLATFORMS FOR HOURS WAITING FOR TRAINS THAT DO NOT RUN ON BANK HOLIDAYS TO ADD TO MY MISFORTUNES I AM THE MISERABLE POSSESSOR OF A DEMON TIME TABLE THAT I CANNOT GET RID OF A BRADSHORE FOR AUGUST EIGHTEEN EIGHTY SEVEN REGULARLY ON THE FIRST OF EACH MONTH I BUY AND BRING HOME WITH ME A NEW BRADSHORE AND A NEW A B C WHAT BECOMES OF THEM AFTER THE SECOND OF THE MONTH I DO NOT KNOW"
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"It has acquired the secret of perpetual youth, has this time table. Other time tables that I buy become dissipated looking wrecks in about a week. This book looks as fresh and new and clean as it did on the day when it first lured me into purchasing it. There is nothing about its appearance to suggest to the casual observer that it is not this month's Bradshaw. Its evident aim and object in life is to deceive people into the idea that it is this month's Bradshaw. It is undermining my moral character, this book is.",
"IT HAS ACQUIRED THE SECRET OF PERPETUAL YOUTH AT THIS TIME TABLE OTHER TIME TABLES THAT I BUY BECOME DISSIPATED LOOKING WRECKS IN ABOUT A WEEK THIS BOOK LOOKS AS FRESH AND NEW AND CLEAN AS IT DID ON THE DAY WHEN IT FIRST LEARED ME INTO PURCHASING IT THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT ITS APPEARANCE TO SUGGEST TO THE CASUAL OBSERVER THAT IT IS NOT THIS MONTH'S BRADSHAW ITS EVIDENT AIM AND OBJECT IN LIFE IS TO DECEIVE PEOPLE INTO THE IDEA THAT IT IS THIS MONTH'S BREAD SHORE IT IS UNDERMINING MY MORAL CHARACTER THIS BOOK IS"
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"th me a new Bradshaw and a new A.B.C. What becomes of them after the second of the month, I do not know. After the second of the month, I never see either of them again. What their fate is, I can only guess. In their place is left, to mislead me, this wretched old 1887 corpse. For three years I have been trying to escape from it, but it will not leave me. I have thrown it out of the window, and it has fallen on people's heads, and those people have picked it up and smoothed it out, and brought it back to the house, and members of my family--\"friends\" they call themselves--people of my own flesh and blood--have thanked them and taken it in again! I have kicked it into a dozen pieces, and kicked the pieces all the way downstairs and out into the garden, and persons--persons, mind you, who will not sew a button on the back of my shirt to save me from madness--have collected the pieces and stitched them carefully together, and made the book look as good as new, and put it back in my study!",
" AND BRING HOME WITH ME A NEW BRADSHORE AND A NEW A B C WHAT BECOMES OF THEM AFTER THE SECOND OF THE MONTH I DO NOT KNOW AFTER THE SECOND OF THE MONTH I NEVER SEE EITHER OF THEM AGAIN WHAT THEIR FATE IS I CAN ONLY GUESS IN THEIR PLACES LEFT TO MISLEAD ME THIS WRETCHED OLD EIGHTEEN EIGHTY SEVEN CORPSE FOR THREE YEARS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM IT BUT IT WILL NOT LEAVE ME I HAVE THROWN IT OUT OF THE WINDOW AND IT HAS FALLEN ON PEOPLE'S HEADS AND THOSE PEOPLE HAVE PICKED IT UP AND SMOOTHED IT OUT AND BROUGHT IT BACK TO THE HOUSE AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY FRIENDS THEY CALL THEMSELVES PEOPLE OF MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD HAVE THANKED THEM AND TAKEN IT IN AGAIN I HAVE KICKED IT INTO A DOZEN PIECES AND KICKED THE PIECES ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS AND OUT INTO THE GARDEN AND PERSONS PERSONS MIND YOU WHO WILL NOT SEW A BUTTON ON THE BACK OF MY SHIRT TO SAVE ME FROM MADNESS HAVE COLLECTED THE PIECES AND STITCHED THEM CAREFULLY TOGETHER AND MADE THE BOOK LOOK GOOD AS NEW AND PUT IT BACK IN MY STUDY"
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"Under ordinary circumstances I should have been afraid that such a supper would cause me to be more eager for change and movement during the ensuing six hours than for sleep; but I felt that to night it would take a dozen half baked firebricks to keep me awake five seconds after I had got my head on the pillow or what they call a pillow in Germany; and so, without hesitation, I made a very satisfactory meal.",
"UNDER ORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES I SHOULD HAVE BEEN AFRAID THAT SUCH A SUPPER WOULD CAUSE ME TO BE MORE EAGER FOR CHANGE AND MOVEMENT DURING THE ENSUING SIX HOURS THEN FOR SLEEP BUT I FELT THAT TO NIGHT IT WOULD TAKE A DOZEN HALF BAKED FIBRICKS TO KEEP ME AWAKE FIVE SECONDS AFTER I HAD GOT MY HEAD ON THE PILLOW OR WHAT THEY CALL A PILLOW IN GERMANY AND SO WITHOUT HESITATION I MADE A VERY SATISFACTORY MEAL"
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"y. From Ettal the road is comparatively level, and, jolting swiftly over it, we soon reached Ober-Ammergau. Lights were passing to and fro behind the many windows of the square stone houses, and dark, strange-looking figures were moving about the streets, busy with preparations for the great business that would commence with the dawn. We rattled noisily through the village, our driver roaring out \"Good Night!\" to everyone he passed in a voice sufficient to wake up everybody who might be sleeping within a mile, charged light-heartedly round half-a-dozen corners, trotted down the centre path of somebody's front garden, squeezed our way through a gate, and drew up at an open door, through which the streaming light poured out upon two tall, comely lasses, our host's daughters, who were standing waiting for us in the porch. They led us into a large, comfortably furnished room, where a tempting supper of hot veal-chops (they seem to live on veal in Germany) and white wine was standing ready.",
"USEFUL PURPOSE OF A BREWERY FROM ETHOL THE ROAD IS COMPARATIVELY LEVEL AND JOLTING SWIFTLY OVER IT WE SOON REACHED OBER AMMERGAU LIGHTS WERE PASSING TO AND FRO BEHIND THE MANY WINDOWS OF THE SQUARE STONE HOUSES AND DARK STRANGE LOOKING FIGURES WERE MOVING ABOUT THE STREETS BUSY WITH PREPARATIONS FOR THE GREAT BUSINESS THAT WOULD COMMENCE WITH THE DAWN WE RATTLED NOISILY THROUGH THE VILLAGE OUR DRIVER ROARING OUT GOOD NIGHT TO EVERYONE HE PASSED IN A VOICE SUFFICIENT TO WAKE UP EVERYBODY WHO MIGHT BE SLEEPING WITHIN A MILE CHARGED LIGHTHEARTEDLY ROUND HALF A DOZEN CORNERS TROTTED DOWN THE CENTRE PATH OF SOMEBODY'S FRONT GARDEN SQUEEZED OUR WAY THROUGH A GATE AND DREW UP AT AN OPEN DOOR THROUGH WHICH THE STREAMING LIGHT POURED OUT UPON TWO TALL COMELY LASSES OUR HOST'S DAUGHTERS WHO WERE STANDING WAITING FOR US IN THE PORCH THEY LED US INTO A LARGE COMFORTABLY FURNISHED ROOM WHERE A TEMPTING SUPPER OF HOT VEAL CHOPS THEY SEEMED TO LIVE ON VEAL IN GERMANY AND WHITE WINE WAS STANDING READY"
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"I do not mean a sainted face, suggestive of stained glass and marble tombs, but a rugged human face that has had the grit, and rain, and sunshine of life rubbed into it, and that has gained its expression, not by looking up with longing at the stars, but by looking down with eyes full of laughter and love at the human things around it.\"",
"I DO NOT MEAN A SAINTED FACE SUGGESTIVE OF STAINED GLASS AND MARBLE TOMBS BUT A RUGGED HUMAN FACE THAT HAS HAD THE GRIT AND RAIN AND SUNSHINE OF LIFE RUBBED INTO IT AND THAT HAS GAINED ITS EXPRESSION NOT BY LOOKING UP WITH LONGING AT THE STARS BUT BY LOOKING DOWN WITH EYES FULL OF LAUGHTER AND LOVE AT THE HUMAN THINGS AROUND IT"
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"eir loss of time--wood-carver Maier, who plays the Christ, only receives about fifty pounds for the whole of the thirty or so performances given during the season, to say nothing of the winter's rehearsals--is put aside, part for the temporal benefit of the community, and the rest for the benefit of the Church. From burgomaster down to shepherd lad, from the Mary and the Jesus down to the meanest super, all work for the love of their religion, not for money. Each one feels that he is helping forward the cause of Christianity.\" \"And I could also speak,\" I add, \"of grand old Daisenberger, the gentle, simple old priest, 'the father of the valley,' who now lies in silence among his children that he loved so well. It was he, you know, that shaped the rude burlesque of a coarser age into the impressive reverential drama that we saw yesterday. That is a portrait of him over the bed. What a plain, homely, good face it is! How pleasant, how helpful it is to come across a good face now and then!",
"THAT JUST COMPENSATES THEM FOR THEIR LOSS OF TIME WOOD CARVE A MAYER WHO PLAYS THE CHRIST ONLY RECEIVES ABOUT FIFTY POUNDS FOR THE WHOLE OF THE THIRTY OR SO PERFORMANCES GIVEN DURING THE SEASON TO SAY NOTHING OF THE WINTER'S REHEARSALS IS PUT ASIDE PART FOR THE TEMPORAL BENEFIT OF THE COMMUNITY AND THE REST FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CHURCH FROM BURGOMASTER DOWN TO SHEPHERD LAD FROM THE MARY AND THE JESUS DOWN TO THE MEANEST SUPER ALL WORK FOR THE LOVE OF THEIR RELIGION NOT FOR MONEY EACH ONE FEELS THAT HE IS HELPING FORWARD THE CAUSE OF CHRISTIANITY AND I COULD ALSO SPEAK I ADD OF GRAND OLD DAISENBERGHER THE GENTLE SIMPLE OLD PRIEST THE FATHER OF THE VALLEY WHO NOW LIES IN SILENCE AMONG HIS CHILDREN THAT HE LOVED SO WELL IT WAS HE YOU KNOW THAT SHAPED THE RUDE BURLESQUE OF A COARSER AGE INTO THE IMPRESSIVE REVERENTIAL DRAMA THAT WE SAW YESTERDAY THAT IS A PORTRAIT OF HIM OVER THE BED WHAT A PLAIN HOMELY GOOD FACE IT IS HOW PLEASANT HOW HELPFUL IT IS TO COME ACROSS A GOOD FACE NOW AND THEN"
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"Before each performance all the characters gather together on the stage around their pastor, and, kneeling, pray for a blessing upon the work then about to commence.",
"BEFORE EACH PERFORMANCE ALL THE CHARACTERS GATHER TOGETHER ON THE STAGE AROUND THEIR PASTOR AND KNEELING PRAY FOR A BLESSING UPON THE WORK THEN ABOUT TO COMMENCE"
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"an inhabitant of Ober-Ammergau, who had been working in the plague-stricken neighbouring village of Eschenlohe, creeping low on his belly, passed the drowsy sentinels, and gained his home, and saw what for many a day he had been hungering for--a sight of his wife and bairns. It was a selfish act to do, and he and his fellow-villagers paid dearly for it. Three days after he had entered his house he and all his family lay dead, and the plague was raging through the valley, and nothing seemed able to stay its course. \"When human means fail, we feel it is only fair to give Heaven a chance. The good people who dwelt by the side of the Ammer vowed that, if the plague left them, they would, every ten years, perform a Passion Play. The celestial powers seem to have at once closed with this offer. The plague disappeared as if by magic, and every recurring tenth year since, the Ober-Ammergauites have kept their promise and played their Passion Play. They act it to this day as a pious observance.",
"ONE DARK NIGHT CASPAR CHUKLA AN INHABITANT OF OBER AMMERICAU WHO HAD BEEN WORKING IN THE PLAGUE STRICKEN NEIGHBOURING VILLAGE OF ESCHELLO CREEPING LOW ON HIS BELLY PASSED THE DROWSY SENTINELS AND GAINED HIS HOME AND SAW WHAT FOR MANY A DAY HE HAD BEEN HUNGERING FOR A SIGHT OF HIS WIFE AND BAIRNS IT WAS A SELFISH ACT TO DO AND HE AND HIS FELLOW VILLAGERS PAID DEARLY FOR IT THREE DAYS AFTER HE HAD ENTERED HIS HOUSE HE AND ALL HIS FAMILY LAY DEAD AND THE PLAGUE WAS RAGING THROUGH THE VALLEY AND NOTHING SEEMED ABLE TO STAY ITS COURSE WHEN HUMAN MEANS FAIL WE FEEL IT IS ONLY FAIR TO GIVE HEAVEN A CHANCE THE GOOD PEOPLE WHO DWELT BY THE SIDE OF THE AMA VOWED THAT IF THE PLAGUE LEFT THEM THEY WOULD EVERY TEN YEARS PERFORM A PASSION PLAY THE CELESTIAL POWERS SEEM TO HAVE AT ONCE CLOSED WITH THIS OFFER THE PLAGUE DISAPPEARED AS IF BY MAGIC AND EVERY RECURRING TENTH YEAR SINCE THE OBER AMMERGAUITES HAVE KEPT THEIR PROMISE AND PLAYED THEIR PASSION PLAY THEY ACTED TO THIS DAY AS A PIOUS OBSERVANCE"
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"The Story that Transformed the World.",
"THE STORY THAT TRANSFORMED THE WORLD"
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"vel and not appear stupid. \"Come,\" he says, kindly, trying to lead me on, \"what did you think about it?\" \"Well,\" I reply, after musing for a while, \"I think that a play of eighteen acts and some forty scenes, which commences at eight o'clock in the morning, and continues, with an interval of an hour and a half for dinner, until six o'clock in the evening, is too long. I think the piece wants cutting. About a third of it is impressive and moving, and what the earnest student of the drama at home is for ever demanding that a play should be--namely, elevating; but I consider that the other two-thirds are tiresome.\" \"Quite so,\" answers B. \"But then we must remember that the performance is not intended as an entertainment, but as a religious service. To criticise any part of it as uninteresting, is like saying that half the Bible might very well have been omitted, and that the whole story could have been told in a third of the space.\" TUESDAY, THE 27TH--CONTINUED We talk on.--An Argument.--",
" CHAPTER ELEVEN OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBRARY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE TUESDAY THE TWENTY SEVENTH CONTINUED WE TALK ON AN ARGUMENT"
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"Never has the voice of any actress (and I have seen some of the greatest, if any great ones are living) stirred my heart as did the voice of Rosa Lang, the Burgomaster's daughter. It was not the voice of one woman, it was the voice of Motherdom, gathered together from all the world over.",
"NEVER HAS THE VOICE OF ANY ACTRESS AND I HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE GREATEST IF ANY GREAT ONES ARE LIVING STIRRED MY HEART AS DID THE VOICE OF ROSA LANG THE BURGOMASTER'S DAUGHTER IT WAS NOT THE VOICE OF ONE WOMAN IT WAS THE VOICE OF MOTHERDOM GATHERED TOGETHER FROM ALL THE WORLD OVER"
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"and pleading for the poor--'and us.' \"They were present at the parting of Mary and Jesus by Bethany, and it will be many a day before the memory of that scene ceases to vibrate in their hearts. It is the scene that brings the humanness of the great tragedy most closely home to us. Jesus is going to face sorrow and death at Jerusalem. Mary's instinct tells her that this is so, and she pleads to him to stay. \"Poor Mary! To others he is the Christ, the Saviour of mankind, setting forth upon his mighty mission to redeem the world. To loving Mary Mother, he is her son: the baby she has suckled at her breast, the little one she has crooned to sleep upon her lap, whose little cheek has lain against her heart, whose little feet have made sweet music through the poor home at Bethany: he is her boy, her child; she would wrap her mother's arms around him and hold him safe against all the world, against even heaven itself. \"Never, in any human drama, have I witnessed a more moving scene than this.",
"DAS COMPLAINING OF ALL WASTE AND PLEADING FOR THE POOR AND US THEY WERE PRESENT AT THE PARTING OF MARY AND JESUS BY BETHANY AND IT WILL BE MANY A DAY BEFORE THE MEMORY OF THAT SCENE CEASES TO VIBRATE IN THEIR HEARTS IT IS THE SCENE THAT BRINGS THE HUMANNESS OF THE GREAT TRAGEDY MOST CLOSELY HOME TO US JESUS IS GOING TO FACE SORROW AND DEATH AT JERUSALEM MARY'S INSTINCT TELLS HER THAT THIS IS SO AND SHE PLEADS TO HIM TO STAY POOR MARY TO OTHERS HE IS THE CHRIST THE SAVIOUR OF MANKIND SETTING FORTH UPON HIS MIGHTY MISSION TO REDEEM THE WORLD THE LOVING MARY MOTHER HE IS HER SON THE BABY SHE HAS SUCKLED AT HER BREAST THE LITTLE ONE SHE HAS CROONED TO SLEEP UPON HER LAP WHOSE LITTLE CHEEK HAS LAIN AGAINST HER HEART WHOSE LITTLE FEET HAVE MADE SWEET MUSIC THROUGH THE POOR HOME OF BETHANY HE IS HER BOY HER CHILD SHE WOULD WRAP HER MOTHER'S ARMS AROUND HIM AND HOLD HIM SAFE AGAINST ALL THE WORLD AGAINST EVEN HEAVEN ITSELF NEVER IN ANY HUMAN DRAMA HAVE I WITNESSED A MORE MOVING SCENE THAN THIS"
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"\"They saw the high priests in their robes of white, with the rabbis and doctors, all the great and learned in the land, sitting late into the night beneath the vaulted roof of the Sanhedrin's council hall, plotting his death.",
"THEY SAW THE HIGH PRIESTS IN THEIR ROBES OF WHITE WITH THE RABBIS AND DOCTORS ALL THE GREAT AND LEARNED IN THE LAND SITTING LATE INTO THE NIGHT BENEATH THE VAULTED ROOF OF THE SAN HEDRON'S COUNCIL HALL PLOTTING HIS DEATH"
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"t thronged round him waving their branches of green palms and shouting loud hosannas. \"What a poor scene of triumph!--a poor-clad, pale-faced man, mounted upon the back of a shuffling, unwilling little grey donkey, passing slowly through the byways of a city, busy upon other things. Beside him, a little band of worn, anxious men, clad in thread-bare garments--fishermen, petty clerks, and the like; and, following, a noisy rabble, shouting, as crowds in all lands and in all times shout, and as dogs bark, they know not why--because others are shouting, or barking. And that scene marks the highest triumph won while he lived on earth by the village carpenter of Galilee, about whom the world has been fighting and thinking and talking so hard for the last eighteen hundred years. \"They saw him, angry and indignant, driving out the desecrators from the temple. They saw the rabble, who a few brief moments before had followed him, shouting 'Hosanna,' slinking away from him to shout with his foes.",
" STREETS OF JERUSALEM THE MULTITUDE THAT THRONGED ROUND HIM WAVING THEIR BRANCHES OF GREEN PALMS AND SHOUTING LOUD HASSANAS WHAT A POOR SCENE OF TRIUMPH A POOR CLAD PALE FACED MAN MOUNTED UPON THE BACK OF A SHUFFLING UNWILLING LITTLE GREY DONKEY PASSING SLOWLY THROUGH THE BYWAYS OF A CITY BUSY UPON OTHER THINGS BESIDE HIM A LITTLE BAND OF WORN ANXIOUS MEN CLAD IN THREADBARE GARMENTS FISHERMEN PETTY CLERKS AND THE LIKE AND FOLLOWING A NOISY RABBLE SHOUTING AS CROWDS IN ALL LANDS AND IN ALL TIMES SHOUT AND AS DOGS BARK THEY KNOW NOT WHY BECAUSE OTHERS ARE SHOUTING OR BARKING AND THAT SCENE MARKS THE HIGHEST TRIUMPH ONE WHILE HE LIVED ON EARTH BY THE VILLAGE CARPENTER OF GALILEE ABOUT WHOM THE WORLD HAS BEEN FIGHTING AND THINKING AND TALKING SO HARD FOR THE LAST EIGHTEEN HUNDRED YEARS THEY SAW HIM ANGRY AND INDIGNANT DRIVING OUT THE DESECRATORS FROM THE TEMPLE THEY SAW THE RABBLE WHO A FEW BRIEF MOMENTS BEFORE HAD FOLLOWED HIM SHOUTING HOSANNA SLINKING AWAY FROM HIM TO SHOUT WITH HIS FOES"
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"\"Poor Mary! To others he is the Christ, the Saviour of mankind, setting forth upon his mighty mission to redeem the world.",
"POOR MARY TO OTHERS HE IS THE CHRIST THE SAVIOUR OF MANKIND SETTING FORTH UPON HIS MIGHTY MISSION TO REDEEM THE WORLD"
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"e night beneath the vaulted roof of the Sanhedrin's council-hall, plotting his death. \"They saw him supping with his disciples in the house of Simon. They saw poor, loving Mary Magdalen wash his feet with costly ointment, that might have been sold for three hundred pence, and the money given to the poor--'and us.' Judas was so thoughtful for the poor, so eager that other people should sell all they had, and give the money to the poor--'and us.' Methinks that, even in this nineteenth century, one can still hear from many a tub and platform the voice of Judas, complaining of all waste, and pleading for the poor--'and us.' \"They were present at the parting of Mary and Jesus by Bethany, and it will be many a day before the memory of that scene ceases to vibrate in their hearts. It is the scene that brings the humanness of the great tragedy most closely home to us. Jesus is going to face sorrow and death at Jerusalem. Mary's instinct tells her that this is so, and she pleads to him to stay.",
"IN THE LAND SITTING LATE INTO THE NIGHT BENEATH THE VAULTED ROOF OF THE SAN HEDRON'S COUNCIL HALL PLOTTING HIS DEATH THEY SAW HIM SUPPING WITH HIS DISCIPLES IN THE HOUSE OF SIMON THEY SAW POOR LOVING MARY MAGDALEN WASH HIS FEET WITH COSTLY OINTMENT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOLD FOR THREE HUNDRED PENCE AND THE MONEY GIVEN TO THE POOR AND US JUDAS WAS SO THOUGHTFUL FOR THE POOR SO EAGER THAT OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD SELL ALL THEY HAD AND GIVE THE MONEY TO THE POOR AND US METHINKS THAT EVEN IN THIS NINETEENTH CENTURY ONE CAN STILL HEAR FROM MANY A TURBAN PLATFORM THE VOICE OF JUDAS COMPLAINING OF ALL WASTE AND PLEADING FOR THE POOR AND US THEY WERE PRESENT AT THE PARTING OF MARY AND JESUS BY BETHANY AND IT WILL BE MANY A DAY BEFORE THE MEMORY OF THAT SCENE CEASES TO VIBRATE IN THEIR HEARTS IT IS THE SCENE THAT BRINGS THE HUMANNESS OF THE GREAT TRAGEDY MOST CLOSELY HOME TO US JESUS IS GOING TO FACE SORROW AND DEATH AT JERUSALEM MARY'S INSTINCT TELLS HER THAT THIS IS SO AND SHE PLEADS TO HIM TO STAY"
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"We cry out in horror against Judas. Let us pray rather that we are never tempted to do a shameful action for a few pieces of silver. The fear of poverty ever did, and ever will, make scamps of men. We would like to be faithful, and noble, and just, only really times are so bad that we cannot afford it!",
"WE CRY OUT IN HORROR AGAINST JUDAS LET US PRAY RATHER THAT WE ARE NEVER TEMPTED TO DO A SHAMEFUL ACTION FOR A FEW PIECES OF SILVER THE FEAR OF POVERTY EVER DID AND EVER WILL MAKE SCAMPS OF MEN WE WOULD LIKE TO BE FAITHFUL AND NOBLE AND JUST ONLY REALLY TIMES ARE SO BAD THAT WE CANNOT AFFORD IT"
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"ds of trembling hearts around her, it seemed to me that I was indeed listening to the voice of the 'mother of the world,' of mother Nature herself. \"They saw him, as they had often seen him in pictures, sitting for the last time with his disciples at supper. But yesterday they saw him, not a mute, moveless figure, posed in conventional, meaningless attitude, but a living, loving man, sitting in fellowship with the dear friends that against all the world had believed in him, and had followed his poor fortunes, talking with them for the last sweet time, comforting them. \"They heard him bless the bread and wine that they themselves to this day take in remembrance of him. \"They saw his agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, the human shrinking from the cup of pain. They saw the false friend, Judas, betray him with a kiss. (Alas! poor Judas! He loved Jesus, in a way, like the rest did. It was only his fear of poverty that made him betray his Master. He was so poor--he wanted the money so badly!",
"D STIRS AEOLIAN STRINGS FOR THOUSANDS OF TREMBLING HEARTS AROUND HER IT SEEMED TO ME THAT I WAS INDEED LISTENING TO THE VOICE OF THE MOTHER OF THE WORLD OF MOTHER NATURE HERSELF THEY SAW HIM AS THEY HAD OFTEN SEEN HIM IN PICTURES SITTING FOR THE LAST TIME WITH HIS DISCIPLES AT SUPPER BUT YESTERDAY THEY SAW HIM NOT A MUTE MOVELESS FIGURE POSED IN CONVENTIONAL MEANINGLESS ATTITUDE BUT A LIVING LOVING MAN SITTING IN FELLOWSHIP WITH THE DEAR FRIENDS THAT AGAINST ALL THE WORLD HAD BELIEVED IN HIM AND HAD FOLLOWED HIS POOR FORTUNES TALKING WITH THEM FOR THE LAST SWEET TIME COMFORTING THEM THEY HEARD HIM BLESS THE BREAD AND WINE THAT THEY THEMSELVES TO THIS DAY TAKE IN REMEMBRANCE OF HIM THEY SAW HIS AGONY IN THE GARDEN OF GASSEMINE THE HUMAN SHRINKING FROM THE CUP OF PAIN THEY SAW THE FALSE FRIENDS JUDAS BETRAY HIM WITH A KISS ALAS POOR JUDAS HE LOVED JESUS IN HIS WAY LIKE THE REST DID IT WAS ONLY HIS FEAR OF POVERTY THAT MADE HIM BETRAY HIS MASTER HE WAS SO POOR HE WANTED THE MONEY SO BADLY"
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"\"They saw the high priests in their robes of white, with the rabbis and doctors, all the great and learned in the land, sitting late into the night beneath the vaulted roof of the Sanhedrin's council hall, plotting his death. \"They saw him supping with his disciples in the house of Simon. They saw poor, loving Mary Magdalen wash his feet with costly ointment, that might have been sold for three hundred pence, and the money given to the poor 'and us.'",
"THEY SAW THE HIGH PRIESTS IN THEIR ROBES OF WHITE WITH THE RABBIS AND DOCTORS ALL THE GREAT AND LEARNED IN THE LAND SITTING LATE INTO THE NIGHT BENEATH THE VAULTED ROOF OF THE SAN HEDRON'S COUNCIL HALL PLOTTING HIS DEATH THEY SAW HIM SUPPING WITH HIS DISCIPLES IN THE HOUSE OF SIMON THEY SAW POOR LOVING MARY MAGDALEN WASH HIS FEET WITH COSTLY OINTMENT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOLD FOR THREE HUNDRED PENCE AND THE MONEY GIVEN TO THE POOR AND US"
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"t thronged round him waving their branches of green palms and shouting loud hosannas. \"What a poor scene of triumph!--a poor-clad, pale-faced man, mounted upon the back of a shuffling, unwilling little grey donkey, passing slowly through the byways of a city, busy upon other things. Beside him, a little band of worn, anxious men, clad in thread-bare garments--fishermen, petty clerks, and the like; and, following, a noisy rabble, shouting, as crowds in all lands and in all times shout, and as dogs bark, they know not why--because others are shouting, or barking. And that scene marks the highest triumph won while he lived on earth by the village carpenter of Galilee, about whom the world has been fighting and thinking and talking so hard for the last eighteen hundred years. \"They saw him, angry and indignant, driving out the desecrators from the temple. They saw the rabble, who a few brief moments before had followed him, shouting 'Hosanna,' slinking away from him to shout with his foes.",
" STREETS OF JERUSALEM THE MULTITUDE THAT THRONGED ROUND HIM WAVING THEIR BRANCHES OF GREEN PALMS AND SHOUTING LOUD HASSANAS WHAT A POOR SCENE OF TRIUMPH A POOR CLAD PALE FACED MAN MOUNTED UPON THE BACK OF A SHUFFLING UNWILLING LITTLE GREY DONKEY PASSING SLOWLY THROUGH THE BYWAYS OF A CITY BUSY UPON OTHER THINGS BESIDE HIM A LITTLE BAND OF WORN ANXIOUS MEN CLAD IN THREADBARE GARMENTS FISHERMEN PETTY CLERKS AND THE LIKE AND FOLLOWING A NOISY RABBLE SHOUTING AS CROWDS IN ALL LANDS AND IN ALL TIMES SHOUT AND AS DOGS BARK THEY KNOW NOT WHY BECAUSE OTHERS ARE SHOUTING OR BARKING AND THAT SCENE MARKS THE HIGHEST TRIUMPH ONE WHILE HE LIVED ON EARTH BY THE VILLAGE CARPENTER OF GALILEE ABOUT WHOM THE WORLD HAS BEEN FIGHTING AND THINKING AND TALKING SO HARD FOR THE LAST EIGHTEEN HUNDRED YEARS THEY SAW HIM ANGRY AND INDIGNANT DRIVING OUT THE DESECRATORS FROM THE TEMPLE THEY SAW THE RABBLE WHO A FEW BRIEF MOMENTS BEFORE HAD FOLLOWED HIM SHOUTING HOSANNA SLINKING AWAY FROM HIM TO SHOUT WITH HIS FOES"
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"\"They are real actors, all of them,\" murmurs B. enthusiastically, \"the whole village full; and they all live happily together in one small valley, and never try to kill each other. It is marvellous!\"",
"THEY ARE REAL ACTORS ALL OF THEM MURMURS B ENTHUSIASTICALLY THE WHOLE VILLAGE FULL AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER IN ONE SMALL VALLEY AND NEVER TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER IT IS MARVELLOUS"
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"kept on saying under my breath, 'he is doing it all wrong. A downright unmitigated villain would never go on like that; he would do so and so, he would look like this, and speak like that, and act like the other. I know he would. My instinct tells me so.' \"This actor was evidently not acquainted with even the rudiments of knavery. I wanted to get up and instruct him in them. I felt that there were little subtleties of rascaldom, little touches of criminality, that I could have put that man up to, which would have transformed his Judas from woodenness into breathing life. As it was, with no one in the village apparently who was worth his salt as a felon to teach him, his performance was unconvincing, and Judas became a figure to laugh rather than to shudder at. \"With that exception, the whole company, from Maier down to the donkey, seemed to be fitted to their places like notes into a master's melody. It would appear as though, on the banks of the Ammer, the histrionic artist grew wild.",
"BLACKGUARD MYSELF DEAR DEAR ME I KEPT ON SAYING UNDER MY BREATH HE IS DOING IT ALL WRONG A DOWNRIGHT UNMITIGATED VILLAIN WOULD NEVER GO ON LIKE THAT HE WOULD DO SO AND SO HE WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS AND SPEAK LIKE THAT AND ACT LIKE THE OTHER I KNOW HE WOULD MY INSTINCT TELLS ME SO THIS ACTOR WAS EVIDENTLY NOT ACQUAINTED WITH EVEN THE RUDIMENTS OF KNAVERY I WANTED TO GET UP AND INSTRUCT HIM IN THEM I FELT THAT THERE WERE LITTLE SUBTLETIES OF RASCALDOM LITTLE TOUCHES OF CRIMINALITY THAT I COULD HAVE PUT THAT MAN UP TO WHICH WOULD HAVE TRANSFORMED HIS JUDAS FROM WOODENNESS INTO BREATHING LIFE AS IT WAS WITH NO ONE IN THE VILLAGE APPARENTLY WHO WAS WORTH HIS SORT AS A FELON TO TEACH HIM HIS PERFORMANCE WAS UNCONVINCING AND JUDAS BECAME A FIGURE TO LAUGH RATHER THAN TO SHUDDER AT WITH THAT EXCEPTION THE WHOLE COMPANY FROM MAYA DOWN TO THE DONKEY SEEMED TO BE FITTED TO THEIR PLACES LIKE NOTES INTO A MASTER'S MELODY IT WOULD APPEAR AS THOUGH ON THE BANKS OF THE AMA THE HISTRIONIC ARTIST GREW WILD"
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"We had our dinner at a beer garden the day before yesterday. We thought it would be pleasant to eat and drink to the accompaniment of music, but we found that in practice this was not so. To dine successfully to music needs a very strong digestion especially in Bavaria.",
"WE HAD OUR DINNER AT A BEER GARDEN THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE PLEASANT TO EAT AND DRINK TO THE ACCOMPANIMENT OF MUSIC BUT WE FOUND THAT IN PRACTICE THIS WAS NOT SO TO DINE SUCCESSFULLY TO MUSIC NEEDS A VERY STRONG DIGESTION ESPECIALLY IN BAVARIA"
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"f bright-polished furniture; of the patter of tiny feet; of little high-pitched voices, asking silly questions; of quiet talks in the lamp-lit parlour after the children are in bed, upon important questions of house management and home politics, while long stockings are being darned. They are not the sort of women to turn a man's head, but they are the sort of women to lay hold of a man's heart--very gently at first, so that he hardly knows that they have touched it, and then, with soft, clinging tendrils that wrap themselves tighter and tighter year by year around it, and draw him closer and closer--till, as, one by one, the false visions and hot passions of his youth fade away, the plain homely figure fills more and more his days--till it grows to mean for him all the better, more lasting, true part of life--till he feels that the strong, gentle mother-nature that has stood so long beside him has been welded firmly into his own, and that they twain are now at last one finished whole.",
"NGS BEING COOKED FOR SUPPER OF BRIGHT POLISHED FURNITURE OF THE PATTER OF TINY FEET OF LITTLE HIGH PITCHED VOICES ASKING SILLY QUESTIONS OF QUIET TALKS IN THE LAMPLIT PARLOR AFTER THE CHILDREN ARE IN BED UPON IMPORTANT QUESTIONS OF HOUSE MANAGEMENT AND HOME POLITICS WHILE LONG STOCKINGS ARE BEING DARNED THEY ARE NOT THE SORT OF WOMEN TO TURN A MAN'S HEAD BUT THEY ARE THE SORT OF WOMEN TO LAY HOLD OF A MAN'S HEART VERY GENTLY AT FIRST SO THAT HE HARDLY KNOWS THAT THEY HAVE TOUCHED IT AND THEN WITH SOFT CLINGING TENDRILS THAT WRAP THEMSELVES TIGHTER AND TIGHTER YEAR BY YEAR AROUND IT AND DRAW HIM CLOSER AND CLOSER TILL AS ONE BY ONE THE FULL VISIONS AND HOT PASSIONS OF HIS YOUTH FADE AWAY THE PLAIN HOMELY FIGURE FILLS MORE AND MORE HIS DAYS TILL IT GROWS TO MEAN FOR HIM ALL THE BETTER MORE LASTING TRUE PART OF LIFE TILL HE FEELS THAT THE STRONG GENTLE MOTHER NATURE THAT HAS STOOD SO LONG BESIDE HIM HAS BEEN WELDED FIRMLY INTO HIS OWN AND THAT THEY TWAIN ARE NOW AT LAST ONE FINISHED WHOLE"
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"n doing this sort of thing. We will drink this one now that you have brought it, but we really must insist on its being the last.\" After about the tenth time we expostulated still more strongly. \"Now, you know what I told you four quarts ago!\" remarked B., severely. \"This can't go on for ever. Something serious will be happening. We are not used to your German school of drinking. We are only foreigners. In our own country we are considered rather swagger at this elbow-raising business, and for the credit of old England we have done our best. But now there must be an end to it. I simply decline to drink any more. No, do not press me. Not even another gallon!\" \"But you both sit there with both your mugs open,\" replies the girl in an injured tone. \"What do you mean, 'we sit with our mugs open'?\" asks B. \"Can't we have our mugs open if we like?\" \"Ah, yes,\" she explains pathetically; \"but then I think you want more beer. Gentlemen always open their mugs when they want them filled with beer.",
"CAN I DON'T THINK WE OUGHT TO YOU MUST NOT GO ON DOING THIS SORT OF THING WE WILL DRINK THIS ONE NOW THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT IT BUT WE REALLY MUST INSIST ON ITS BEING THE LAST AFTER ABOUT THE TENTH TIME WE EXPOSTULATED STILL MORE STRONGLY NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I TOLD YOU FOUR QUARTS AGO REMARKED B SEVERELY THIS CAN'T GO ON FOR EVER SOMETHING SERIOUS WILL BE HAPPENING WE ARE NOT USED TO YOUR GERMAN SCHOOL OF DRINKING WE ARE ONLY FOREIGNERS IN OUR OWN COUNTRY WE ARE CONSIDERED RATHER SWAGGER AT THIS ELBOW RAISING BUSINESS AND FOR THE CREDIT OF OLD ENGLAND WE HAVE DONE OUR BEST BUT NOW THERE MUST BE AN END TO IT I SIMPLY DECLINE TO DRINK ANY MORE NO DO NOT PRESS ME NOT EVEN ANOTHER GALLON BUT YOU BOTH SIT THERE WITH BOTH YOUR MUGS OPEN REPLIES THE GIRL IN AN INJURED TONE WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE SIT WITH OUR MUGS OPEN ASKS B CAN'T WE HAVE OUR MUGS OPEN IF WE LIKE AH YES SHE EXPLAINS PATHETICALLY BUT THEN I THINK YOU WANT MORE BEER GENTLEMEN ALWAYS OPEN THEIR MUGS WHEN THEY WANT THEM FILLED WITH BEER"
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"Now we use picture galleries to practise spurts in. I did a hundred yards this morning through the old Pantechnicon in twenty two and a half seconds, which, for fair heel and toe walking, I consider very creditable. B. took five eighths of a second longer for the same distance; but then he dawdled to look at a Raphael.",
"NOW WE USE PICTURE GALLERIES TO PRACTISE SPURTS IN I DID A HUNDRED YARD THIS MORNING THROUGH THE OLD PANTECHNICON IN TWENTY TWO AND A HALF SECONDS WHICH FOR FAIR HEEL AND TOE WALKING I CONSIDER VERY CREDITABLE B TOOK FIVE EGGS OF A SECOND LONGER FOR THE SAME DISTANCE BUT THEN HE DAWDLED TO LOOK AT A RAPHAEL"
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" greatest art critic living could not dislike pictures and sculptures more than I do at this moment. We began by spending a whole morning in each gallery. We examined each picture critically, and argued with each other about its \"form\" and \"colour\" and \"treatment\" and \"perspective\" and \"texture\" and \"atmosphere.\" I generally said it was flat, and B. that it was out of drawing. A stranger overhearing our discussions would have imagined that we knew something about painting. We would stand in front of a canvas for ten minutes, drinking it in. We would walk round it, so as to get the proper light upon it and to better realise the artist's aim. We would back away from it on to the toes of the people behind, until we reached the correct \"distance,\" and then sit down and shade our eyes, and criticise it from there; and then we would go up and put our noses against it, and examine the workmanship in detail. This is how we used to look at pictures in the early stages of our Munich art studies.",
"S I AM THOROUGHLY TIRED OF THEM THE GREATEST ART CRITIC LIVING COULD NOT DISLIKE PICTURES AND SCULPTURES MORE THAN I DO AT THIS MOMENT WE BEGAN BY SPENDING A WHOLE MORNING IN EACH GALLERY WE EXAMINED EACH PICTURE CRITICALLY AND ARGUED WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT ITS FORM AND COLOR AND TREATMENT AND PERSPECTIVE AND TEXTURE AND ATMOSPHERE I GENERALLY SAID IT WAS FLAT AND B THAT IT WAS OUT OF DRAWING A STRANGER OVERHEARING OUR DISCUSSIONS WOULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT WE KNEW SOMETHING ABOUT PAINTING WE WOULD STAND IN FRONT OF A CANVAS FOR TEN MINUTES DRINKING IT IN WE WOULD WALK ROUND IT SO AS TO GET THE PROPER LIGHT UPON IT AND TO BETTER REALIZE THE ARTIST'S AIM WE WERE BACK AWAY FROM IT ON TO THE TOES OF THE PEOPLE BEHIND UNTIL WE REACHED THE CORRECT DISTANCE AND THEN SIT DOWN AND SHADE OUR EYES AND CRITICISE IT FROM THERE AND THEN WE WOULD GO UP AND PUT OUR NOSES AGAINST IT AND EXAMINE THE WORKMANSHIP IN DETAIL THIS IS HOW WE USED TO LOOK AT PICTURES IN THE EARLY STAGES OF OUR MUNICH ART STUDIES"
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"\"Ah, yes,\" she explains pathetically; \"but then I think you want more beer. Gentlemen always open their mugs when they want them filled with beer.\" We kept our mugs shut after that.",
"AH YES SHE EXPLAINS PATHETICALLY BUT THEN I THINK YOU WANT MORE BEER GENTLEMEN ALWAYS OPEN THEIR MUGS WHEN THEY WANT THEM FILLED WITH BEER WE KEPT OUR MUGS SHUT AFTER THAT"
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"ly remonstrated. \"This is very kind of you, my good girl,\" B. said, \"but really I don't think we _can_. I don't think we ought to. You must not go on doing this sort of thing. We will drink this one now that you have brought it, but we really must insist on its being the last.\" After about the tenth time we expostulated still more strongly. \"Now, you know what I told you four quarts ago!\" remarked B., severely. \"This can't go on for ever. Something serious will be happening. We are not used to your German school of drinking. We are only foreigners. In our own country we are considered rather swagger at this elbow-raising business, and for the credit of old England we have done our best. But now there must be an end to it. I simply decline to drink any more. No, do not press me. Not even another gallon!\" \"But you both sit there with both your mugs open,\" replies the girl in an injured tone. \"What do you mean, 'we sit with our mugs open'?\" asks B. \"Can't we have our mugs open if we like?",
"ING FULL AGAIN AFTER ABOUT THE SIXTH TIME WE GENTLY REMONSTRATED THIS IS VERY KIND OF YOU MY GOOD GIRL HE SAID BUT REALLY I DON'T THINK WE CAN I DON'T THINK WE OUGHT TO YOU MUST NOT GO ON DOING THIS SORT OF THING WE WILL DRINK THIS ONE NOW THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT IT BUT WE REALLY MUST INSIST ON ITS BEING THE LAST AFTER ABOUT THE TENTH TIME WE EXPOSTULATED STILL MORE STRONGLY NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I TOLD YOU FOUR QUARTS AGO REMARKED B SEVERELY THIS CAN'T GO ON FOR EVER SOMETHING SERIOUS WILL BE HAPPENING WE ARE NOT USED TO YOUR GERMAN SCHOOL OF DRINKING WE ARE ONLY FOREIGNERS IN OUR OWN COUNTRY WE ARE CONSIDERED RATHER SWAGGER AT THIS ELBOW RAISING BUSINESS AND FOR THE CREDIT OF OLD ENGLAND WE HAVE DONE OUR BEST BUT NOW THERE MUST BE AN END TO IT I SIMPLY DECLINE TO DRINK ANY MORE NO DO NOT PRESS ME NOT EVEN ANOTHER GALLON BUT YOU BOTH SIT THERE WITH BOTH YOUR MUGS OPEN REPLIES THE GIRL IN AN INJURED TONE WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE SIT WITH OUR MUGS OPEN ASKS B CAN'T WE HAVE OUR MUGS OPEN IF WE LIKE"
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"The German beer garden should be visited by everyone who would see the German people as well as their churches and castles. It is here that the workers of all kinds congregate in the evening.",
"THE GERMAN BEER GARDEN SHOULD BE VISITED BY EVERY ONE WHO WOULD SEE THE GERMAN PEOPLE AS WELL AS THEIR CHURCHES AND CASTLES IT IS HERE THAT THE WORKERS OF ALL KINDS CONGREGATE IN THE EVENING"
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"y are loaned out by the authorities to the proprietors of the big beer-gardens. \"Go\" and dash are the chief characteristics of their method; but, when needed, they can produce from the battered, time-worn trumpets, which have been handed down from player to player since the regiment was first formed, notes as soft and full and clear as any that could start from the strings of some old violin. The German band in Germany has to know its business to be listened to by a German audience. The Bavarian artisan or shopkeeper understands and appreciates good music, as he understands and appreciates good beer. You cannot impose upon him with an inferior article. A music-hall audience in Munich are very particular as to how their beloved Wagner is rendered, and the trifles from Mozart and Haydn that they love to take in with their sausages and salad, and which, when performed to their satisfaction, they will thunderously applaud, must not be taken liberties with, or they will know the reason why.",
"ND IN THE EVENING THEY ARE LOANED OUT BY THE AUTHORITIES TO THE PROPRIETORS OF THE BIG BEER GARDENS GO AND DASH ARE THE CHIEF CHARACTERISTICS OF THEIR METHOD BUT WHEN NEEDED THEY CAN PRODUCE FROM THE BATTERED TIME WORN TRUMPETS WHICH HAVE BEEN HANDED DOWN FROM PLAYER TO PLAYER SINCE THE REGIMENT WAS FIRST FORMED NOTES AS SOFT AND FULL AND CLEAR AS ANY THAT COULD START FROM THE STRINGS OF SOME OLD VIOLIN THE GERMAN BAND IN GERMANY HAS TO KNOW ITS BUSINESS TO BE LISTENED TO BY A GERMAN AUDIENCE THE BAVARIAN ARTISAN OR SHOPKEEPER UNDERSTANDS AND APPRECIATES GOOD MUSIC AS HE UNDERSTANDS AND APPRECIATES GOOD BEER YOU CANNOT IMPOSE UPON HIM WITH AN INFERIOR ARTICLE A MUSIC HALL AUDIENCE IN MUNICH ARE VERY PARTICULAR AS TO HOW THEIR BELOVED WAGNER IS RENDERED AND THE TRIFLES FROM MOZART AND HAYDN THAT THEY LOVE TO TAKE IN WITH THEIR SAUSAGES AND SALAD AND WHICH WHEN PERFORMED TO THEIR SATISFACTION THEY WERE THUNDEROUSLY APPLAUD MUST NOT BE TAKEN LIBERTIES WITH OR THEY WILL KNOW THE REASON WHY"
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"B. said he thought that the explanation was that the ancient patrons of art were gentry with a very strong idea of the fitness of things. For \"their churches and cathedrals,\" said B., \"they had painted all those virgins and martyrs and over fed angels that you see everywhere about Europe.",
"B SAID HE THOUGHT THAT THE EXPLANATION WAS THAT THE ANCIENT PATRONS OF ART WERE GENTRY WITH A VERY STRONG IDEA OF THE FITNESS OF THINGS FOR THEIR CHURCHES AND CATHEDRALS SAID B THEY HAD PAINTED ALL THOSE VIRGINS AND MARTYRS AND OVERFED ANGELS THAT YOU SEE EVERYWHERE ABOUT EUROPE"
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"most curious about the exhibition was the number of canvases dealing with food stuffs. Twenty-five per cent. of the pictures in the place seem to have been painted as advertisements for somebody's home-grown seeds, or as coloured supplements to be given away with the summer number of the leading gardening journal of the period. \"What could have induced these old fellows,\" I said to B., \"to choose such very uninteresting subjects? Who on earth cares to look at the life-sized portrait of a cabbage and a peck of peas, or at these no doubt masterly representations of a cut from the joint with bread and vegetables? Look at that 'View in a ham-and-beef shop,' No. 7063, size sixty feet by forty. It must have taken the artist a couple of years to paint. Who did he expect was going to buy it? And that Christmas-hamper scene over in the corner; was it painted, do you think, by some poor, half-starved devil, who thought he would have something to eat in the house, if it were only a picture of it?",
" ME AS MOST CURIOUS ABOUT THE EXHIBITION WAS THE NUMBER OF CANVASES DEALING WITH FOOD STUFFS TWENTY FIVE PER CENT OF THE PICTURES IN THE PLACE SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN PAINTED AS ADVERTISEMENTS FOR SOMEBODY'S HOME GROWN SEEDS OR AS COLOURED SUPPLEMENTS TO BE GIVEN AWAY WITH THE SUMMER NUMBER OF THE LEADING GARDENING JOURNAL OF THE PERIOD WHAT COULD HAVE INDUCED THESE OLD FELLOWS I SAID TO BE TO CHOOSE SUCH VERY UNINTERESTING SUBJECTS WHO ON EARTH CARES TO LOOK AT THE LIFE SIZED PORTRAIT OF A CABBAGE AND A PECK OF PEAS OR AT THESE NO DOUBT MASTERLY REPRESENTATIONS OF A CUT FROM THE JOINT WITH BREAD AND VEGETABLES LOOK AT THAT VIEW IN A HAM AND BEEF SHOP NUMBER SEVEN O SIX THREE SIZED SIXTY FEET BY FORTY IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THE ARTIST A COUPLE OF YEARS TO PAINT WHO DID HE EXPECT WAS GOING TO BUY IT AND THAT CHRISTMAS HAMPER SCENE OVER IN THE CORNER WAS IT PAINTED DO YOU THINK BY SOME POOR HALF STARVED DEVIL WHO THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT IN THE HOUSE IF IT WERE ONLY A PICTURE OF IT"
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"They were grumbling the whole of the way at having been put to ride in an omnibus. It seemed that they had never been so insulted in their lives before, and they took care to let everybody in the vehicle know that they had paid for first class, and that at home they kept their own carriage.",
"THEY WERE GRUMBLING THE WHOLE OF THE WAY AT HAVING BEEN PUT TO RIDE IN AN OMNIBUS IT SEEMED THAT THEY HAD NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN THEIR LIVES BEFORE AND THEY TOOK CARE TO LET EVERYBODY IN THE VEHICLE KNOW THAT THEY HAD PAID FOR FIRST CLASS AND THAT AT HOME THEY KEPT THEIR OWN CARRIAGE"
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" but the dearest chairs. If the villagers would only be sensible and charge you ten marks for the eight-mark places you would be happy; but they won't.\" I must candidly confess that the English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent are, taken as a whole, a most disagreeable contingent. One hardly ever hears the English language spoken on the Continent, without hearing grumbling and sneering. The women are the most objectionable. Foreigners undoubtedly see the very poorest specimens of the female kind we Anglo-Saxons have to show. The average female English or American tourist is rude and self-assertive, while, at the same time, ridiculously helpless and awkward. She is intensely selfish, and utterly inconsiderate of others; everlastingly complaining, and, in herself, drearily uninteresting. We travelled down in the omnibus from Ober-Ammergau with three perfect specimens of the species, accompanied by the usual miserable-looking man, who has had all the life talked out of him.",
"SHOULD SIT IN ANYTHING BUT THE DEAREST CHAIRS IF THE VILLAGERS WOULD ONLY BE SENSIBLE AND CHARGE YOU TEN MARKS FOR THE EIGHT MARKED PLACES YOU WOULD BE HAPPY BUT THEY WON'T I MUST CANDIDLY CONFESS THAT THE ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLE ONE MEETS WITH ON THE CONTINENT ARE TAKEN AS A WHOLE A MOST DISAGREEABLE CONTINGENT ONE HARDLY EVER HEARS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SPOKEN ON THE CONTINENT WITHOUT HEARING GRUMBLING AND SNEERING THE WOMEN ARE THE MOST OBJECTIONABLE FOREIGNERS UNDOUBTEDLY SEE THE VERY POOREST SPECIMENS OF THE FEMALE KIND WE ANGLO SAXONS HAVE TO SHOW THE AVERAGE FEMALE ENGLISH OR AMERICAN TOURIST IS RUDE AND SELF ASSERTIVE WHILE AT THE SAME TIME RIDICULOUSLY HELPLESS AND AWKWARD SHE IS INTENSELY SELFISH AND UTTERLY INCONSIDERATE OF OTHERS EVERLASTINGLY COMPLAINING AND IN HERSELF DREARILY UNINTERESTING WE TRAVELLED DOWN IN THE OMNIBUS FROM OBER AMMERGAU WITH THREE PERFECT SPECIMENS OF THE SPECIES ACCOMPANIED BY THE USUAL MISERABLE LOOKING MAN WHO HAS HAD ALL THE LIFE TALKED OUT OF HIM"
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"B. one day after dinner called it the \"Penny Cock,\" and then we both got frightened, and agreed to fix up some sensible, practical name for it before any mischief was done.",
"B ONE DAY AFTER DINNER CALLED IT THE PENNY COCK AND THEN WE BOTH GOT FRIGHTENED AND AGREED TO FIX UP SOME SENSIBLE PRACTICAL NAME FOR IT BEFORE ANY MISCHIEF WAS DONE"
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"it, so as to get the proper light upon it and to better realise the artist's aim. We would back away from it on to the toes of the people behind, until we reached the correct \"distance,\" and then sit down and shade our eyes, and criticise it from there; and then we would go up and put our noses against it, and examine the workmanship in detail. This is how we used to look at pictures in the early stages of our Munich art studies. Now we use picture galleries to practise spurts in. I did a hundred yards this morning through the old Pantechnicon in twenty-two and a half seconds, which, for fair heel-and-toe walking, I consider very creditable. B. took five-eighths of a second longer for the same distance; but then he dawdled to look at a Raphael. The \"Pantechnicon,\" I should explain, is the name we have, for our own purposes, given to what the Munichers prefer to call the Pinakothek. We could never pronounce Pinakothek properly. We called it \"Pynniosec,\" \"Pintactec,\" and the \"Happy Tack.",
" DRINKING IT IN WE WOULD WALK ROUND IT SO AS TO GET THE PROPER LIGHT UPON IT AND TO BETTER REALIZE THE ARTIST'S AIM WE WERE BACK AWAY FROM IT ON TO THE TOES OF THE PEOPLE BEHIND UNTIL WE REACHED THE CORRECT DISTANCE AND THEN SIT DOWN AND SHADE OUR EYES AND CRITICISE IT FROM THERE AND THEN WE WOULD GO UP AND PUT OUR NOSES AGAINST IT AND EXAMINE THE WORKMANSHIP IN DETAIL THIS IS HOW WE USED TO LOOK AT PICTURES IN THE EARLY STAGES OF OUR MUNICH ART STUDIES NOW WE USE PICTURE GALLERIES TO PRACTISE SPURTS IN I DID A HUNDRED YARD THIS MORNING THROUGH THE OLD PANTECHNICON IN TWENTY TWO AND A HALF SECONDS WHICH FOR FAIR HEEL AND TOE WALKING I CONSIDER VERY CREDITABLE B TOOK FIVE EGGS OF A SECOND LONGER FOR THE SAME DISTANCE BUT THEN HE DAWDLED TO LOOK AT A RAPHAEL THE PANTECHNICON I SHOULD EXPLAIN IS THE NAME WE HAVE FOR OUR OWN PURPOSES GIVEN TO WHAT THE MUNICHERS PREFER TO CALL THE PINNACOTE WE COULD NEVER PRONOUNCE PINA CROTECT PROPERLY WE CALLED IT PINNIOSEK PINTACT TECH AND THE HAPPY TACK"
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"To be gushingly fawning to those above them, and vulgarly insolent to everyone they consider below them, is their idea of the way to hold and improve their position, whatever it may be, in society; and to be brutally indifferent to the rights and feelings of everybody else in the world is, in their opinion, the hall mark of gentle birth.",
"TO BE GUSHINGLY FAWNING TO THOSE ABOVE THEM AND VULGARLY INSOLENT TO EVERY ONE THEY CONSIDER BELOW THEM IS THEIR IDEA OF THE WAY TO HOLD AND IMPROVE THEIR POSITION WHATEVER IT MAY BE IN SOCIETY AND TO BE BRUTALLY INDIFFERENT TO THE RIGHTS AND FEELINGS OF EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD IS IN THEIR OPINION THE HALL MARK OF GENTLE BIRTH"
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"parting. They did not come to Ober-Ammergau to be treated on terms of familiarity by German peasants, they said. There are many women in the world who are in every way much better than angels. They are gentle and gracious, and generous and kind, and unselfish and good, in spite of temptations and trials to which mere angels are never subjected. And there are also many women in the world who, under the clothes, and not unfrequently under the title of a lady, wear the heart of an underbred snob. Having no natural dignity, they think to supply its place with arrogance. They mistake noisy bounce for self-possession, and supercilious rudeness as the sign of superiority. They encourage themselves in sleepy stupidity under the impression that they are acquiring aristocratic \"repose.\" They would appear to have studied \"attitude\" from the pages of the _London Journal_, coquetry from barmaids--the commoner class of barmaids, I mean--wit from three-act farces, and manners from the servants'-hall.",
"RED TO SHAKE HANDS WITH THEM AT PARTING THEY DID NOT COME TO OBER AMMERGAU TO BE TREATED ON TERMS OF FAMILIARITY BY GERMAN PEASANTS THEY SAID THERE ARE MANY WOMEN IN THE WORLD WHO ARE IN EVERY WAY MUCH BETTER THAN ANGELS THEY ARE GENTLE AND GRACIOUS AND GENEROUS AND KIND AND UNSELFISH AND GOOD IN SPITE OF TEMPTATIONS AND TRIALS TO WHICH MERE ANGELS ARE NEVER SUBJECTED AND THERE ARE ALSO MANY WOMEN IN THE WORLD WHO UNDER THE CLOTHES AND NOT UNFREQUENTLY UNDER THE TITLE OF A LADY WEAR THE HEART OF AN UNDERBRED SNOB HAVING NO NATURAL DIGNITY THEY THINK TO SUPPLY ITS PLACE WITH ARROGANCE THEY MISTAKE NOISY BOUNTS FOR SELF POSSESSION AND SUPERCILIOUS RUDENESS AS A SIGN OF SUPERIORITY THEY ENCOURAGE THEMSELVES IN SLEEPY STUPIDITY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THEY ARE ACQUIRING ARISTOCRATIC REPOSE THEY WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE STUDIED ATTITUDE FROM THE PAGES OF THE LONDON JOURNAL COQUETRY FROM BARMAIDS THE COMMONER CLASS OF BARMAIDS I MEAN WIT FROM THREE ACT FARCES AND MANNERS FROM THE SERVANTS HALL"
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"The eight mark and six mark places are every bit as good as the ten mark seats, of which there are only a very limited number; but you are grossly insulted if it is hinted that you should sit in anything but the dearest chairs. If the villagers would only be sensible and charge you ten marks for the eight mark places you would be happy; but they won't.\"",
"THE EIGHT MARK AND SIX MARKED PLACES ARE EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS THE TEN MARK SEATS OF WHICH THERE ARE ONLY A VERY LIMITED NUMBER BUT YOU ARE GROSSLY INSULTED IF IT IS HINTED THAT YOU SHOULD SIT IN ANYTHING BUT THE DEAREST CHAIRS IF THE VILLAGERS WOULD ONLY BE SENSIBLE AND CHARGE YOU TEN MARKS FOR THE EIGHT MARKED PLACES YOU WOULD BE HAPPY BUT THEY WON'T"
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"mmergau without ever letting us know even that you are coming, and then threaten to write to the _Times_ because there is not a suite of apartments and a hot dinner waiting ready for each of you. \"You want the best lodgings in the place, and then, when at a tremendous cost of trouble, they have been obtained for you, you object to pay the price asked for them. You all try and palm yourselves off for dukes and duchesses, travelling in disguise. You have none of you ever heard of a second-class railway carriage--didn't know that such things were made. You want a first-class Pullman car reserved for each two of you. Some of you have seen an omnibus in the distance, and have wondered what it was used for. To suggest that you should travel in such a plebeian conveyance, is to give you a shock that takes you two days to recover from. You expect a private carriage, with a footman in livery, to take you through the mountains. You, all of you, must have the most expensive places in the theatre.",
" TINY VILLAGE LIKE OBER AMMERGAU WITHOUT EVER LETTING US KNOW EVEN THAT YOU ARE COMING AND THEN THREATEN TO WRITE TO THE TIMES BECAUSE THERE IS NOT A SUITE OF APARTMENTS AND A HOT DINNER WAITING READY FOR EACH OF YOU YOU WANT THE BEST LODGINGS IN THE PLACE AND THEN WHEN AT A TREMENDOUS COST OF TROUBLE THEY HAVE BEEN OBTAINED FOR YOU YOU OBJECT TO PAY THE PRICE ASKED FOR THEM YOU ALL TRY AND PALM YOURSELVES OFF FOR DUKES AND DUCHESSES TRAVELLING IN DISGUISE YOU HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER HEARD OF A SECOND CLASS RAILWAY CARRIAGE DIDN'T KNOW THAT SUCH THINGS WERE MADE YOU WANT A FIRST CLASS PULLMAN CAR RESERVED FOR EACH TWO OF YOU SOME OF YOU HAVE SEEN AN OMNIBUS IN THE DISTANCE AND HAVE WONDERED WHAT IT WAS USED FOR TO SUGGEST THAT YOU SHOULD TRAVEL IN SUCH A PLEBEIAN CONVEYANCE IS TO GIVE YOU A SHOCK THAT TAKES YOU TWO DAYS TO RECOVER FROM YOU EXPECT A PRIVATE CARRIAGE WITH A FOOTMAN IN LIVERY TO TAKE YOU THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS YOU ALL OF YOU MUST HAVE THE MOST EXPENSIVE PLACES IN THE THEATRE"
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"B. says it is only Friday; but I am positive I have had three cold baths since we left Ober Ammergau, which we did on Wednesday morning. If it is only Friday, then I have had two morning baths in one day. Anyhow, we shall know to morrow by the shops being open or shut. We travelled from Oberau with a tourist agent, and he told us all his troubles. It seems that a tourist agent is an ordinary human man, and has feelings just like we have.",
"B SAYS IT IS ONLY FRIDAY BUT I AM POSITIVE I HAVE HAD THREE COLD BATHS SINCE WE LEFT OBER AMMERGAU WHICH WE DID ON WEDNESDAY MORNING IF IT IS ONLY FRIDAY THEN I HAVE HAD TWO MORNING BATHS IN ONE DAY ANYHOW WE SHALL KNOW TO MORROW BY THE SHOPS BEING OPEN OR SHUT WE TRAVELLED FROM OBEROW WITH A TOURIST AGENT AND HE TOLD US ALL HIS TROUBLES IT SEEMS THAT A TOURIST AGENT IS AN ORDINARY HUMAN MAN AND HAS FEELINGS JUST LIKE WE HAVE"
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" of nervousness from his voice, he calls out in a tone of wonderful coolness: \"Yes, what is it?\" \"Are you in bed?\" comes a voice from the other side of the door. \"Yes,\" answers B. \"Why?\" \"Oh! Sorry to disturb you, but we shall be so glad when you get up. We can't go downstairs without coming through your room. This is the only door. We have been waiting here for two hours, and our train goes at three.\" Great Scott! So that is why the poor old souls have been hanging round the door, terrifying us out of our lives. \"All right, we'll be out in five minutes. So sorry. Why didn't you call out before?\" FRIDAY, 30TH, OR SATURDAY, I AM NOT SURE WHICH Troubles of a Tourist Agent.--His Views on Tourists.--The English Woman Abroad.--And at Home.--The Ugliest Cathedral in Europe.--Old Masters and New.--Victual-and-Drink-Scapes.--The German Band.--A \"Beer Garden.\"--Not the Women to Turn a Man's Head.--Difficulty of Dining to Music.--Why one should Keep one's Mug Shut. I think myself it is Saturday.",
" CHAPTER THIRTEEN OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIVERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE FRIDAY THIRTIETH OR SATURDAY I AM NOT SURE WHICH TROUBLES OF A TOURIST AGENT HIS VIEWS ON TOURISTS THE ENGLISHWOMAN ABROAD AND AT HOME THE UGLIEST CATHEDRAL IN EUROPE OLD MASTERS AND NEW FIDDLE AND DRINK SCAPES THE GERMAN BAND A BEER GARDEN NOT THE WOMEN TO TURN A MAN'S HEAD DIFFICULTY OF DINING TO MUSIC WHY ONE SHOULD KEEP ONE'S MUG SHUT I THINK MYSELF IT IS SATURDAY"
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"THE ENGLISHWOMAN ABROAD AND AT HOME THE UGLIEST CATHEDRAL IN EUROPE"
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"l each other. It is marvellous!\" At this point, we hear a sharp knock at the door that separates the before-mentioned ladies' room from our own. We both start and turn pale, and then look at each other. B. is the first to recover his presence of mind. Eliminating, by a strong effort, all traces of nervousness from his voice, he calls out in a tone of wonderful coolness: \"Yes, what is it?\" \"Are you in bed?\" comes a voice from the other side of the door. \"Yes,\" answers B. \"Why?\" \"Oh! Sorry to disturb you, but we shall be so glad when you get up. We can't go downstairs without coming through your room. This is the only door. We have been waiting here for two hours, and our train goes at three.\" Great Scott! So that is why the poor old souls have been hanging round the door, terrifying us out of our lives. \"All right, we'll be out in five minutes. So sorry. Why didn't you call out before?\" FRIDAY, 30TH, OR SATURDAY, I AM NOT SURE WHICH Troubles of a Tourist Agent.--His Views on Tourists.--",
" CHAPTER THIRTEEN OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIVERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE FRIDAY THIRTIETH OR SATURDAY I AM NOT SURE WHICH TROUBLES OF A TOURIST AGENT HIS VIEWS ON TOURISTS"
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"Looking into their quiet, steadfast eyes, one dreams of white household linen, folded in great presses; of sweet smelling herbs; of savoury, appetising things being cooked for supper; of bright polished furniture; of the patter of tiny feet; of little high pitched voices, asking silly questions; of quiet talks in the lamp lit parlour after the children are in bed, upon important questions of house management and home politics, while long stockings are being darned.",
"LOOKING INTO THEIR QUIET STEADFAST EYES ONE DREAMS OF WHITE HOUSEHOLD LINEN FOLDED IN GREAT PRESSES OF SWEET SMELLING HERBS OF SAVOURY APPETIZING THINGS BEING COOKED FOR SUPPER OF BRIGHT POLISHED FURNITURE OF THE PATTER OF TINY FEET OF LITTLE HIGH PITCHED VOICES ASKING SILLY QUESTIONS OF QUIET TALKS IN THE LAMPLIT PARLOR AFTER THE CHILDREN ARE IN BED UPON IMPORTANT QUESTIONS OF HOUSE MANAGEMENT AND HOME POLITICS WHILE LONG STOCKINGS ARE BEING DARNED"
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" table sits a blushing, happy little maid, full of haughty airs and graces, such as may be excused to a little maid who has just saved a no doubt promising, but at present somewhat awkward-looking, youth from lifelong misery, if not madness and suicide (depend upon it, that is the alternative he put before her), by at last condescending to give him the plump little hand, that he, thinking nobody sees him, holds so tightly beneath the table-cloth. Opposite, a family group sit discussing omelettes and a bottle of white wine. The father contented, good-humoured, and laughing; the small child grave and solemn, eating and drinking in business-like fashion; the mother smiling at both, yet not forgetting to eat. I think one would learn to love these German women if one lived among them for long. There is something so sweet, so womanly, so genuine about them. They seem to shed around them, from their bright, good-tempered faces, a healthy atmosphere of all that is homely, and simple, and good.",
"IGHTING FOR THE FATHERLAND AT THE NEXT TABLE SITS A BLUSHING HAPPY LITTLE MAID FULL OF HAUGHTY AIRS AND GRACES SUCH AS MAY BE EXCUSED TO A LITTLE MAID WHO IS JUST SAVED AND NO DOUBT PROMISING BUT AT PRESENT SOMEWHAT AWKWARD LOOKING YOUTH FROM LIFE LONG MISERY IF NOT MADNESS AND SUICIDE DEPEND UPON IT THAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE HE PUT BEFORE HER BY AT LAST CONDESCENDING TO GIVE HIM THE PLUMP LITTLE HAND THAT HE THINKING NOBODY SEES HIM HOLDS SO TIGHTLY BENEATH A TABLECLOTH OPPOSITE A FAMILY GROUP SIT DISCUSSING OMELETS AND A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE THE FATHER CONTENTED GOOD HUMOURED AND LAUGHING A SMALL CHILD GRAVE AND SOLEMN EATING AND DRINKING IN BUSINESS LIKE FASHION THE MOTHER SMILING AT BOTH YET NOT FORGETTING TO EAT I THINK ONE WOULD LEARN TO LOVE THESE GERMAN WOMEN IF ONE LIVED AMONG THEM FOR LONG THERE IS SOMETHING SO SWEET SO WOMANLY SO GENUINE ABOUT THEM THEY SEEM TO SHED AROUND THEM FROM THEIR BRIGHT GOOD TEMPERED FACES A HEALTHY ATMOSPHERE OF ALL THAT IS HOMELY AND SIMPLE AND GOOD"
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"The Ugliest Cathedral in Europe. Old Masters and New. Victual and Drink Scapes. The German Band. A \"Beer Garden.\" Not the Women to Turn a Man's Head. Difficulty of Dining to Music.",
"THE UGLIEST CATHEDRAL IN EUROPE OLD MASTERS AND NEW FIDDLE AND DRINK SCAPES THE GERMAN BAND A BEER GARDEN NOT THE WOMEN TO TURN A MAN'S HEAD DIFFICULTY OF DINING TO MUSIC"
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"point, we hear a sharp knock at the door that separates the before-mentioned ladies' room from our own. We both start and turn pale, and then look at each other. B. is the first to recover his presence of mind. Eliminating, by a strong effort, all traces of nervousness from his voice, he calls out in a tone of wonderful coolness: \"Yes, what is it?\" \"Are you in bed?\" comes a voice from the other side of the door. \"Yes,\" answers B. \"Why?\" \"Oh! Sorry to disturb you, but we shall be so glad when you get up. We can't go downstairs without coming through your room. This is the only door. We have been waiting here for two hours, and our train goes at three.\" Great Scott! So that is why the poor old souls have been hanging round the door, terrifying us out of our lives. \"All right, we'll be out in five minutes. So sorry. Why didn't you call out before?\" FRIDAY, 30TH, OR SATURDAY, I AM NOT SURE WHICH Troubles of a Tourist Agent.--His Views on Tourists.--The English Woman Abroad.--And at Home.--",
" CHAPTER THIRTEEN OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIVERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE FRIDAY THIRTIETH OR SATURDAY I AM NOT SURE WHICH TROUBLES OF A TOURIST AGENT HIS VIEWS ON TOURISTS THE ENGLISHWOMAN ABROAD AND AT HOME"
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"We passed the German frontier on Wednesday, and have been in Belgium since. I like the Germans. B. says I ought not to let them know this, because it will make them conceited; but I have no fear of such a result. I am sure they possess too much common sense for their heads to be turned by praise, no matter from whom.",
"WE PASSED THE GERMAN FRONTIER ON WEDNESDAY AND HAVE BEEN IN BELGIUM SINCE I LIKE THE GERMANS B SAYS I OUGHT NOT TO LET THEM KNOW THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE THEM CONCEITED BUT I HAVE NO FEAR OF SUCH A RESULT I AM SURE THEY POSSESS TOO MUCH COMMON SENSE FOR THEIR HEADS TO BE TURNED BY PRAISE NO MATTER FROM WHOM"
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" he had to. As for the other three, two at all events of whom were excellent German scholars, they did not understand anything, and nobody could make them understand anything. The collector roared at them for about ten minutes, and they smiled pleasantly and said they wanted to go to Hanover. He went and fetched the station-master, and the station-master explained to them for another ten minutes that, if they did not pay eighteen shillings each, he should do the German equivalent for summonsing them; and they smiled and nodded, and told him that they wanted to go to Hanover. Then a very important-looking personage in a cocked-hat came up, and was very angry; and he and the station-master and the collector took it in turns to explain to B. and his two friends the state of the law on the matter. They stormed and raged, and threatened and pleaded for a quarter of an hour or so, and then they got sick, and slammed the door, and went off, leaving the Government to lose the fifty-four marks.",
" PAY EIGHTEEN MARKS AND HE HAD TO AS FOR THE OTHER THREE TWO AT ALL EVENTS OF WHOM WERE EXCELLENT GERMAN SCHOLARS THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AND NOBODY COULD MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THE COLLECTOR ROARED AT THEM FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES AND THEY SMILED PLEASANTLY AND SAID THEY WANTED TO GO TO HANOVER HE WENT AND FETCHED THE STATION MASTER AND THE STATION MASTER EXPLAINED TO THEM FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES THAT IF THEY DID NOT PAY EIGHTEEN SHILLINGS EACH HE SHOULD DO THE GERMAN EQUIVALENT FOR SUMMONING THEM AND THEY SMILED AND NODDED AND TOLD THEM THAT THEY WANTED TO GO TO HANOVER THEN A VERY IMPORTANT LOOKING PERSONAGE IN A COCKED HAT CAME UP AND WAS VERY ANGRY AND HE AND THE STATION MASTER AND THE COLLECTOR TOOK IT IN TURNS TO EXPLAIN TO B AND HIS TWO FRIENDS THE STATE OF THE LAW ON THE MATTER THEY STORMED AND RAGED AND THREATENED AND PLEADED FOR A QUARTER OF AN HOUR OR SO AND THEN THEY GOT SICK AND SLAMMED THE DOOR AND WENT OFF LEAVING THE GOVERNMENT TO LOSE THE FIFTY FOUR MARKS"
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"\"Gets to Heidelberg at 4?\" I exclaim. \"Does the whole distance in two and a quarter hours? Why, we were all night coming down!\"",
"GETS TO HEIDELBERG AT FOUR I EXCLAIM DOES THE WHOLE DISTANCE IN TWO AND A QUARTER HOURS WHY WE WERE ALL NIGHT COMING DOWN"
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" lagoon and lake of sand\"). From Ghent we went to Bruges (where I had the satisfaction of throwing a stone at the statue of Simon Stevin, who added to the miseries of my school-days, by inventing decimals), and from Bruges we came on here. Finding out and arranging our trains has been a fearful work. I have left the whole business with B., and he has lost two stone over it. I used to think at one time that my own dear native Bradshaw was a sufficiently hard nut for the human intellect to crack; or, to transpose the simile, that Bradshaw was sufficient to crack an ordinary human nut. But dear old Bradshaw is an axiom in Euclid for stone-wall obviousness, compared with a through Continental time-table. Every morning B. has sat down with the book before him, and, grasping his head between his hands, has tried to understand it without going mad. \"Here we are,\" he has said. \"This is the train that will do for us. Leaves Munich at 1.45; gets to Heidelberg at 4--just in time for a cup of tea.",
"MIGHTY ROLAND RING EAR LAGOON AND LAKE OF SAND FROM GHENT WE WENT TO BRUGES WHERE I HAD THE SATISFACTION OF THROWING A STONE AT THE STATUE OF SIMON STEVA WHO ADDED TO THE MISERIES OF MY SCHOOL DAYS BY INVENTING DECIMALS AND FROM BRUGES WE CAME ON HERE FINDING OUT AND ARRANGING OUR TRAINS HAS BEEN A FEARFUL WORK I HAVE LEFT THE WHOLE BUSINESS WITH B AND HE HAS LOST TWO STONE OVER IT I USED TO THINK AT ONE TIME THAT MY OWN DEAR NATIVE BRADSHAW WAS A SUFFICIENTLY HARD NUT FOR THE HUMAN INTELLECT TO CRACK OR TO TRANSPOSE THE SIMILE THE BRADSHAW WAS SUFFICIENT TO CRACK AN ORDINARY HUMAN NUT BUT DEAR OLD BRADSHAW IS AN AXIOM IN EUCLID FOR STONEWALL OBVIOUSNESS COMPARED WITH THE THROUGH CONTINENTAL TIME TABLE EVERY MORNING B HAS SAT DOWN WITH THE BOOK BEFORE HIM AND GRASPING HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS HANDS HAS TRIED TO UNDERSTAND IT WITHOUT GOING MAD HERE WE ARE HE HAS SAID THIS IS THE TRAIN THAT WILL DO FOR US LEAVE MUNICH AT ONE FORTY FIVE GETS TO HEIDELBERG AT FOUR JUST IN TIME FOR A CUP OF TEA"
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"At last B. makes the discovery that to get to Heidelberg we must go to Darmstadt and take another train from there.",
"AT LAST B MAKES THE DISCOVERY THAT TO GET TO HEIDELBERG WE MUST GO TO DARMSTADT AND TAKE ANOTHER TRAIN FROM THERE"
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" train, the only thing that can be urged against it being that it does not start from anywhere. It seems to drop into Heidelberg casually and then to stop there. One expects its sudden advent alarms the people at Heidelberg station. They do not know what to make of it. The porter goes up to the station-master, and says: \"Beg pardon, sir, but there's a strange train in the station.\" \"Oh!\" answers the station-master, surprised, \"where did it come from?\" \"Don't know,\" replies the man; \"it doesn't seem to know itself.\" \"Dear me,\" says the station-master, \"how very extraordinary! What does it want?\" \"Doesn't seem to want anything particular,\" replies the other. \"It's a curious sort of train. Seems to be a bit dotty, if you ask me.\" \"Um,\" muses the station-master, \"it's a rum go. Well, I suppose we must let it stop here a bit now. We can hardly turn it out a night like this. Oh, let it make itself comfortable in the wood-shed till the morning, and then we will see if we can find its friends.",
"G ALL RIGHT AND APPEARS TO BE IN MOST RESPECTS A MODEL TRAIN THE ONLY THING THAT COULD BE URGED AGAINST IT BEING THAT IT DOES NOT START FROM ANYWHERE IT SEEMS TO DROP INTO HEIDELBERG CASUALLY AND THEN TO STOP THERE ONE EXPECTS ITS SUDDEN ADVENT ALARMS THE PEOPLE AT HEIDELBERG STATION THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT THE PORTER GOES UP TO THE STATION MASTER AND SAYS BEG PARDON SIR BUT THERE'S A STRANGE TRAIN IN THE STATION OH ANSWERS THE STATION MASTER SURPRISED WHERE DID IT COME FROM DON'T KNOW REPLIES THE MAN IT DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW ITSELF DEAR ME SAYS THE STATION MASTER HOW VERY EXTRAORDINARY WHAT DOES IT WANT DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT ANYTHING PARTICULAR REPLIES THE OTHER IT'S A CURIOUS SORT OF TRAIN SEEMS TO BE A BIT DOTTY IF YOU ASK ME HUM MUSES THE STATION MASTER IT'S A RUM GO WELL I SUPPOSE WE MUST LET IT STOP HERE A BIT NOW WE CAN HARDLY TURN IT OUT A NIGHT LIKE THIS OH LET IT MAKE ITSELF COMFORTABLE IN THE WOODSHED TILL THE MORNING AND THEN WE WILL SEE IF WE CAN FIND ITS FRIENDS"
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"Cologne, Antwerp, Calais? Well, where does it stop? Confound it! it must stop somewhere. Berlin, Paris, Brussels, Copenhagen? No.",
"COLOGNE ANTWERP CALAIS WELL WHERE DOES IT STOP CONFOUND IT IT MUST STOP SOMEWHERE BERLIN PARIS BRUSSELS COPENHAGEN NO"
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"at's this?\" he exclaims. \"How will this do us? Leaves Munich at 4, gets to Heidelberg 4.15. That's quick work. Something wrong there. That won't do. You can't get from Munich to Heidelberg in a quarter of an hour. Oh! I see it. That 4 o'clock goes to Brussels, and then on to Heidelberg afterwards. Gets in there at 4.15 to-morrow, I suppose. I wonder why it goes round by Brussels, though? Then it seems to stop at Prague for ever so long. Oh, damn this timetable!\" Then he finds another train that starts at 2.15, and seems to be an ideal train. He gets quite enthusiastic over this train. \"This is the train for us, old man,\" he says. \"This is a splendid train, really. It doesn't stop anywhere.\" \"Does it _get_ anywhere?\" I ask. \"Of course it gets somewhere,\" he replies indignantly. \"It's an express! Munich,\" he murmurs, tracing its course through the timetable, \"depart 2.15. First and second class only. Nuremberg? No; it doesn't stop at Nuremberg. Wurtzburg? No. Frankfort for Strasburg? No.",
"S HIS SEARCH HULLO WHAT'S THIS HE EXCLAIMS HOW WILL THIS DO US LEAST MUNICH AT FOUR GETS THE HEIDELBERG FOUR FIFTEEN THAT'S QUICK WORK SOMETHING WRONG THERE THAT WON'T DO YOU CAN'T GET FROM MUNICH TO HEIDELBERG IN A QUARTER OF AN HOUR OH I SEE IT THAT FOUR O'CLOCK GOES TO BRUSSELS AND THEN ON TO HEIDELBERG AFTERWARDS GETS IN THERE AT FOUR FIFTEEN TO MORROW I SUPPOSE I WONDER WHY IT GOES ROUND BY BRUSSELS THOUGH THEN IT SEEMS TO STOP AT PRAGUE FOR EVER SO LONG OH DAMN THIS TIME TABLE THEN HE FINDS ANOTHER TRAIN THAT STARTS AT TWO FIFTEEN AND SEEMS TO BE AN IDEAL TRAIN HE GETS QUITE ENTHUSIASTIC OVER THIS TRAIN THIS IS THE TRAIN FOR US OLD MAN HE SAYS THIS IS A SPLENDID TRAIN REALLY IT DOESN'T STOP ANYWHERE DOES IT GET ANYWHERE I ASK OF COURSE IT GETS SOMEWHERE HE REPLIES INDIGNANTLY IT'S AN EXPRESS MUNICH HE MURMURS TRACING ITS COURSE THROUGH THE TIME TABLE DEPART TWO FIFTEEN FIRST AND SECOND CLASS ONLY NURREMBERG NO IT DOESN'T STOP AT NURREMBERG VIRTZBURG NO FRANKFORT FOR STRASBOURG NO"
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"Our first thoughts are the thoughts that are given to us; our second thoughts are the thoughts that we make for ourselves. I prefer to trust to the former.",
"OUR FIRST THOUGHTS ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE GIVEN TO US OUR SECOND THOUGHTS ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT WE MAKE FOR OURSELVES I PREFER TO TRUST TO THE FORMER"
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"ter and the collector took it in turns to explain to B. and his two friends the state of the law on the matter. They stormed and raged, and threatened and pleaded for a quarter of an hour or so, and then they got sick, and slammed the door, and went off, leaving the Government to lose the fifty-four marks. We passed the German frontier on Wednesday, and have been in Belgium since. I like the Germans. B. says I ought not to let them know this, because it will make them conceited; but I have no fear of such a result. I am sure they possess too much common-sense for their heads to be turned by praise, no matter from whom. B. also says that I am displaying more energy than prudence in forming an opinion of a people merely from a few weeks' travel amongst them. But my experience is that first impressions are the most reliable. At all events, in my case they are. I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgments, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.",
"AND HE AND THE STATION MASTER AND THE COLLECTOR TOOK IT IN TURNS TO EXPLAIN TO B AND HIS TWO FRIENDS THE STATE OF THE LAW ON THE MATTER THEY STORMED AND RAGED AND THREATENED AND PLEADED FOR A QUARTER OF AN HOUR OR SO AND THEN THEY GOT SICK AND SLAMMED THE DOOR AND WENT OFF LEAVING THE GOVERNMENT TO LOSE THE FIFTY FOUR MARKS WE PASSED THE GERMAN FRONTIER ON WEDNESDAY AND HAVE BEEN IN BELGIUM SINCE I LIKE THE GERMANS B SAYS I OUGHT NOT TO LET THEM KNOW THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE THEM CONCEITED BUT I HAVE NO FEAR OF SUCH A RESULT I AM SURE THEY POSSESS TOO MUCH COMMON SENSE FOR THEIR HEADS TO BE TURNED BY PRAISE NO MATTER FROM WHOM B ALSO SAYS THAT I AM DISPLAYING MORE ENERGY THAN PRUDENCE IN FORMING AN OPINION OF A PEOPLE MERELY FROM A FEW WEEKS TRAVEL AMONGST THEM BUT MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE AT ALL EVENTS IN MY CASE THEY ARE I OFTEN ARRIVE AT QUITE SENSIBLE IDEAS AND JUDGMENTS ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT IT IS WHEN I STOP TO THINK THAT I BECOME FOOLISH"
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"Notice boards are exhibited outside the hotels to the effect that the police have strict orders to take into custody anybody found trespassing upon or damaging the premises.",
"NOTICE BOARDS ARE EXHIBITED OUTSIDE THE HOTELS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE POLICE HAVE STRICT ORDERS TO TAKE INTO CUSTODY ANYBODY FOUND TRESPASSING UPON OR DAMAGING THE PREMISES"
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"Table.--An Untractable Train.--A Quick Run.--Trains that Start from Nowhere.--Trains that Arrive at Nowhere.--Trains that Don't Do Anything.--B. Goes Mad.--Railway Travelling in Germany.--B. is Taken Prisoner.--His Fortitude.--Advantages of Ignorance.--First Impressions of Germany and of the Germans. We are at Ostend. Our pilgrimage has ended. We sail for Dover in three hours' time. The wind seems rather fresh, but they say that it will drop towards the evening. I hope they are not deceiving us. We are disappointed with Ostend. We thought that Ostend would be gay and crowded. We thought that there would be bands and theatres and concerts, and busy table-d'hotes, and lively sands, and thronged parades, and pretty girls at Ostend. I bought a stick and a new pair of boots at Brussels on purpose for Ostend. There does not seem to be a living visitor in the place besides ourselves--nor a dead one either, that we can find. The shops are shut up, the houses are deserted, the casino is closed.",
"D AS A TOWEL B GRAPPLES WITH A CONTINENTAL TIME TABLE AN UNTRACTABLE TRAIN A QUICK RUN TRAINS THAT START FROM NOWHERE TRAINS THAT ARRIVE AT NOWHERE TRAINS THAT DON'T DO ANYTHING B GOES MAD RAILWAY TRAVELLING IN GERMANY B IS TAKEN PRISONER HIS FORTITUDE ADVANTAGES OF IGNORANCE FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF GERMANY AND OF THE GERMANS WE ARE AT OSTEND OUR PILGRIMAGE HAS ENDED WE SAIL FOR DOVER IN THREE HOURS TIME THE WIND SEEMS RATHER FRESH BUT THEY SAY THAT IT WILL DROP TOWARDS THE EVENING I HOPE THEY ARE NOT DECEIVING US WE ARE DISAPPOINTED WITH OSTEND WE THOUGHT THAT OSTEND WOULD BE GAY AND CROWDED WE THOUGHT THAT THERE WOULD BE BANDS AND THEATRES AND CONCERTS AND BUSY TABLE LA DOT AND LIVELY SANDS AND THRONGS PARADES AND PRETTY GIRLS AT OSTEND I BOUGHT A STICK AND A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS OF BRUSSELS ON PURPOSE FOR OSTEND THERE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE A LIVING VISITOR IN THE PLACE BESIDES OURSELVES NOR A DEAD ONE EITHER THAT WE CAN FIND THE SHOPS ARE SHUT UP THE HOUSES ARE DESERTED THE CASINO IS CLOSED"
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"We found one restaurant which looked a little less like a morgue than did the other restaurants in the town, and rang the bell. After we had waited for about a quarter of an hour, an old woman answered the door, and asked us what we wanted. We said a steak and chipped potatoes for two, and a couple of lagers. She said would we call again in about a fortnight's time, when the family would be at home? She did not herself know where the things were kept. We went down on to the sands this morning.",
"WE FOUND ONE RESTAURANT WHICH LOOKED A LITTLE LESS LIKE A WALK THAN DID THE OTHER RESTAURANTS IN TOWN AND RANG THE BELL AFTER WE HAD WAITED FOR ABOUT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AN OLD WOMAN ANSWERED THE DOOR AND ASKED US WHAT WE WANTED WE SAID A STEAK AND CHIPPED POTATOES FOR TWO AND A COUPLE OF LARKERS SHE SAID WOULD WE CALL AGAIN IN ABOUT A FORTNIGHT'S TIME WHEN THE FAMILY WOULD BE AT HOME SHE DID NOT HERSELF KNOW WHETHER THINGS WERE KEPT WE WENT DOWN ON TO THE SANDS THIS MORNING"
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" in Germany.--B. is Taken Prisoner.--His Fortitude.--Advantages of Ignorance.--First Impressions of Germany and of the Germans. We are at Ostend. Our pilgrimage has ended. We sail for Dover in three hours' time. The wind seems rather fresh, but they say that it will drop towards the evening. I hope they are not deceiving us. We are disappointed with Ostend. We thought that Ostend would be gay and crowded. We thought that there would be bands and theatres and concerts, and busy table-d'hotes, and lively sands, and thronged parades, and pretty girls at Ostend. I bought a stick and a new pair of boots at Brussels on purpose for Ostend. There does not seem to be a living visitor in the place besides ourselves--nor a dead one either, that we can find. The shops are shut up, the houses are deserted, the casino is closed. Notice-boards are exhibited outside the hotels to the effect that the police have strict orders to take into custody anybody found trespassing upon or damaging the premises.",
"HING B GOES MAD RAILWAY TRAVELLING IN GERMANY B IS TAKEN PRISONER HIS FORTITUDE ADVANTAGES OF IGNORANCE FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF GERMANY AND OF THE GERMANS WE ARE AT OSTEND OUR PILGRIMAGE HAS ENDED WE SAIL FOR DOVER IN THREE HOURS TIME THE WIND SEEMS RATHER FRESH BUT THEY SAY THAT IT WILL DROP TOWARDS THE EVENING I HOPE THEY ARE NOT DECEIVING US WE ARE DISAPPOINTED WITH OSTEND WE THOUGHT THAT OSTEND WOULD BE GAY AND CROWDED WE THOUGHT THAT THERE WOULD BE BANDS AND THEATRES AND CONCERTS AND BUSY TABLE LA DOT AND LIVELY SANDS AND THRONGS PARADES AND PRETTY GIRLS AT OSTEND I BOUGHT A STICK AND A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS OF BRUSSELS ON PURPOSE FOR OSTEND THERE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE A LIVING VISITOR IN THE PLACE BESIDES OURSELVES NOR A DEAD ONE EITHER THAT WE CAN FIND THE SHOPS ARE SHUT UP THE HOUSES ARE DESERTED THE CASINO IS CLOSED NOTICE BOARDS ARE EXHIBITED OUTSIDE THE HOTELS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE POLICE HAVE STRICT ORDERS TO TAKE INTO CUSTODY ANYBODY FOUND TRESPASSING UPON OR DAMAGING THE PREMISES"
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"He can conduct himself sensibly without making an ass of himself. He can be \"temperate\" without tying bits of coloured ribbon all about himself to advertise the fact, and without rushing up and down the street waving a banner and yelling about it.",
"HE CAN CONDUCT HIMSELF SENSIBLY WITHOUT MAKING AN ASS OF HIMSELF HE CAN BE TEMPERATE WITHOUT TYING BITS OF COLOURED RIBBON ALL ABOUT HIMSELF TO ADVERTISE THE FACT AND WITHOUT RUSHING UP AND DOWN THE STREET WAVING A BANNER AND YELLING ABOUT IT"
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"urselves. I prefer to trust to the former. The Germans are a big, square-shouldered, deep-chested race. They do not talk much, but look as though they thought. Like all big things, they are easy-going and good-tempered. Anti-tobacconists, teetotallers, and such-like faddists, would fare badly in Germany. A German has no anti-nature notions as to its being wicked for him to enjoy his life, and still more criminal for him to let anybody else enjoy theirs. He likes his huge pipe, and he likes his mug of beer, and as these become empty he likes to have them filled again; and he likes to see other people like _their_ pipe and _their_ mug of beer. If you were to go dancing round a German, shrieking out entreaties to him to sign a pledge that he would never drink another drop of beer again as long as he lived, he would ask you to remember that you were talking to a man, not to a child or an imbecile, and he would probably impress the request upon you by boxing your ears for your impertinence.",
" THOUGHTS THAT WE MAKE FOR OURSELVES I PREFER TO TRUST TO THE FORMER THE GERMANS ARE A BIG SQUARE SHOULDERED DEEP CHESTED RACE THEY DO NOT TALK MUCH BUT LOOK AS THOUGH THEY THOUGHT LIKE ALL BIG THINGS THEY ARE EASY GOING AND GOOD TEMPERED ANTI TOBACCONISTS TEETOTALERS AND SUCH LIKE FADDISTS WOULD FARE BADLY IN GERMANY A GERMAN HAS NO ANTI NATURED NOTIONS AS TO ITS BEING WICKED FOR HIM TO ENJOY HIS LIFE AND STILL MORE CRIMINAL FOR HIM TO LET ANYBODY ELSE ENJOY THEIRS HE LIKES HIS HUGE PIPE AND HE LIKES HIS MUG OF BEER AND AS THESE BECOME EMPTY HE LIKES TO HAVE THEM FILLED AGAIN AND HE LIKES TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEIR PIPE AND THEIR MUG OF BEER IF YOU WERE TO GO DANCING ROUND A GERMAN SHRIEKING OUT ENTREATIES TO HIM TO SIGN A PLEDGE THAT HE WOULD NEVER DRINK ANOTHER DROP OF BEER AGAIN AS LONG AS HE LIVED HE WOULD ASK YOU TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WERE TALKING TO A MAN NOT TO A CHILD OR AN IMBECILE AND HE WOULD PROBABLY IMPRESS THE REQUEST UPON YOU BY BOXING YOUR EARS FOR YOUR IMPERTINENCE"
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"THE SECOND GUARD HAS GONE DOWN INTO THE TOWN TO TRY AND SELL A DOG AND THE PASSENGERS STROLL ABOUT THE PLATFORM AND SMOKE OR PARTAKE OF A LIGHT MEAL IN THE REFRESHMENT ROOM THE POORER CLASSES REGALING THEMSELVES UPON HOT SAUSAGE AND THE MORE DAINTY UPON SOUP"
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"out and greets them effusively, and then runs back into the house to tell his wife that they have come, and she bustles out and also welcomes them effusively, and the four stand chatting about old times and friends and the state of the crops. After a while, the engine-driver, during a pause in the conversation, looks at his watch, and says he is afraid he must be going, but the station-master's wife won't hear of it. \"Oh, you must stop and see the children,\" she says. \"They will be home from school soon, and they'll be so disappointed if they hear you have been here and gone away again. Lizzie will never forgive you.\" The engine-driver and the stoker laugh, and say that under those circumstances they suppose they must stop; and they do so. Meanwhile the booking-clerk has introduced the guard to his sister, and such a very promising flirtation has been taking place behind the ticket-office door that it would not be surprising if wedding-bells were heard in the neighbourhood before long.",
"THE STATION MASTER COMES OUT AND GREETS THEM EFFUSIVELY AND THEN RUNS BACK INTO THE HOUSE TO TELL HIS WIFE THAT THEY HAVE COME AND SHE BUSTLES OUT AND ALSO WELCOMES THEM EFFUSIVELY AND THE FOUR STAND CHATTING ABOUT OLD TIMES AND FRIENDS AND THE STATE OF THE CROPS AFTER A WHILE THE ENGINE DRIVER DURING A PAUSE IN THE CONVERSATION LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND SAYS HE IS AFRAID HE MUST BE GOING BUT THE STATION MASTER'S WIFE WON'T HEAR OF IT OH YOU MUST STOP AND SEE THE CHILDREN SHE SAYS THEY WILL BE HOME FROM SCHOOL SOON AND THEY'LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED IF THEY HEAR YOU HAVE BEEN HERE AND GONE AWAY AGAIN LIZZIE WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU THE ENGINE DRIVER AND THE STOKER LAUGH AND SAY THAT UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES THEY SUPPOSE THEY MUST STOP AND THEY DO SO MEANWHILE THE BOOKING CLERK HAS INTRODUCED THE GUARD TO HIS SISTER AND SUCH A VERY PROMISING FLIRTATION HAS BEEN TAKING PLACE BEHIND THE TICKET OFF HIS DOOR THAT IT WOULD NOT BE SURPRISING IF WEDDING BELLS WERE HEARD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE LONG"
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"We were a good deal alarmed. We could not imagine how he came there. The weather is too fine for shipwrecks, and it was not a part of the coast where any passing trader would be likely to land. Besides, if anyone has landed, where is he? We have been able to find no trace of him whatever.",
"WE WERE A GOOD DEAL ALARMED WE COULD NOT IMAGINE HOW HE CAME THERE THE WEATHER IS TOO FINE FOR SHIPWRECKS AND IT WAS NOT A PART OF THE COAST WHERE ANY PASSING TRADER WOULD BE LIKELY TO LAND BESIDES IF ANY ONE HAS LANDED WHERE IS HE WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND NO TRACE OF HIM WHATEVER"
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" a living visitor in the place besides ourselves--nor a dead one either, that we can find. The shops are shut up, the houses are deserted, the casino is closed. Notice-boards are exhibited outside the hotels to the effect that the police have strict orders to take into custody anybody found trespassing upon or damaging the premises. We found one restaurant which looked a little less like a morgue than did the other restaurants in the town, and rang the bell. After we had waited for about a quarter of an hour, an old woman answered the door, and asked us what we wanted. We said a steak and chipped potatoes for two, and a couple of lagers. She said would we call again in about a fortnight's time, when the family would be at home? She did not herself know where the things were kept. We went down on to the sands this morning. We had not been walking up and down for more than half an hour before we came across the distinct imprint of a human foot. Someone must have been there this very day!",
" THERE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE A LIVING VISITOR IN THE PLACE BESIDES OURSELVES NOR A DEAD ONE EITHER THAT WE CAN FIND THE SHOPS ARE SHUT UP THE HOUSES ARE DESERTED THE CASINO IS CLOSED NOTICE BOARDS ARE EXHIBITED OUTSIDE THE HOTELS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE POLICE HAVE STRICT ORDERS TO TAKE INTO CUSTODY ANYBODY FOUND TRESPASSING UPON OR DAMAGING THE PREMISES WE FOUND ONE RESTAURANT WHICH LOOKED A LITTLE LESS LIKE A WALK THAN DID THE OTHER RESTAURANTS IN TOWN AND RANG THE BELL AFTER WE HAD WAITED FOR ABOUT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AN OLD WOMAN ANSWERED THE DOOR AND ASKED US WHAT WE WANTED WE SAID A STEAK AND CHIPPED POTATOES FOR TWO AND A COUPLE OF LARKERS SHE SAID WOULD WE CALL AGAIN IN ABOUT A FORTNIGHT'S TIME WHEN THE FAMILY WOULD BE AT HOME SHE DID NOT HERSELF KNOW WHETHER THINGS WERE KEPT WE WENT DOWN ON TO THE SANDS THIS MORNING WE HAD NOT BEEN WALKING UP AND DOWN FOR MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR BEFORE WE CAME ACROSS THE DISTINCT IMPRINT OF A HUMAN FOOT SOME ONE MUST HAVE BEEN THERE THIS VERY DAY"
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"\"Oh, ah, yes,\" he replies. \"I never noticed that. Yes, of course. No! it can't be that either. Why, that would make the journey fourteen hours. It can't take fourteen hours. No, of course not. That's not meant for thick type, that 4. That's thin type got a little thick, that's all.\"",
"OH AH YES HE REPLIES I NEVER NOTICED THAT YES OF COURSE NO IT CAN'T BE THAT EITHER WHY THAT WILL MAKE THE JOURNEY FOURTEEN HOURS IT CAN'T TAKE FOURTEEN HOURS NO OF COURSE NOT THAT'S NOT MEANT FOR THICK TYPE THAT FOUR THAT'S THIN TIE GOT A LITTLE THICK THAT'S ALL"
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"e has lost two stone over it. I used to think at one time that my own dear native Bradshaw was a sufficiently hard nut for the human intellect to crack; or, to transpose the simile, that Bradshaw was sufficient to crack an ordinary human nut. But dear old Bradshaw is an axiom in Euclid for stone-wall obviousness, compared with a through Continental time-table. Every morning B. has sat down with the book before him, and, grasping his head between his hands, has tried to understand it without going mad. \"Here we are,\" he has said. \"This is the train that will do for us. Leaves Munich at 1.45; gets to Heidelberg at 4--just in time for a cup of tea.\" \"Gets to Heidelberg at 4?\" I exclaim. \"Does the whole distance in two and a quarter hours? Why, we were all night coming down!\" \"Well, there you are,\" he says, pointing to the time-table. \"Munich, depart 1.45; Heidelberg, arrive 4.\" \"Yes,\" I say, looking over his shoulder; \"but don't you see the 4 is in thick type? That means 4 in the morning.",
"NESS WITH B AND HE HAS LOST TWO STONE OVER IT I USED TO THINK AT ONE TIME THAT MY OWN DEAR NATIVE BRADSHAW WAS A SUFFICIENTLY HARD NUT FOR THE HUMAN INTELLECT TO CRACK OR TO TRANSPOSE THE SIMILE THE BRADSHAW WAS SUFFICIENT TO CRACK AN ORDINARY HUMAN NUT BUT DEAR OLD BRADSHAW IS AN AXIOM IN EUCLID FOR STONEWALL OBVIOUSNESS COMPARED WITH THE THROUGH CONTINENTAL TIME TABLE EVERY MORNING B HAS SAT DOWN WITH THE BOOK BEFORE HIM AND GRASPING HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS HANDS HAS TRIED TO UNDERSTAND IT WITHOUT GOING MAD HERE WE ARE HE HAS SAID THIS IS THE TRAIN THAT WILL DO FOR US LEAVE MUNICH AT ONE FORTY FIVE GETS TO HEIDELBERG AT FOUR JUST IN TIME FOR A CUP OF TEA GETS TO HEIDELBERG AT FOUR I EXCLAIM DOES THE WHOLE DISTANCE IN TWO AND A QUARTER HOURS WHY WE WERE ALL NIGHT COMING DOWN WELL THERE YOU ARE HE SAYS POINTING TO THE TIME TABLE MUNICH DEPART ONE FORTY FIVE HEIDELBERG ARRIVE FOUR YES I SAY LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER BUT DON'T YOU SEE THE FOUR IS IN THICK TYPE THAT MEANS FOUR IN THE MORNING"
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"They do not laugh much; but when they do, they laugh deep down. They are slow, but so is a deep river. A placid look generally rests upon their heavy features; but sometimes they frown, and then they look somewhat grim.",
"THEY DO NOT LAUGH MUCH BUT WHEN THEY DO THEY LAUGH DEEP DOWN THEY ARE SLOW BUT SO IS A DEEP RIVER A PLACID LOOK GENERALLY RESTS UPON THEIR HEAVY FEATURES BUT SOMETIMES THEY FROWN AND THEN THEY LOOK SOMEWHAT GRIM"
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" the State, and which stop at home and mind the children. The German women are not politicians and mayors and county councillors; they are housewives. All classes of Germans are scrupulously polite to one another; but this is the result of mutual respect, not of snobbery. The tramcar conductor expects to be treated with precisely the same courtesy that he tenders. The Count raises his hat to the shopkeeper, and expects the shopkeeper to raise his hat to him. The Germans are hearty eaters; but they are not, like the French, fussy and finicky over their food. Their stomach is not their God; and the cook, with his sauces and _pates_ and _ragouts_, is not their High Priest. So long as the dish is wholesome, and there is sufficient of it, they are satisfied. In the mere sensuous arts of painting and sculpture the Germans are poor, in the ennobling arts of literature and music they are great; and this fact provides a key to their character. They are a simple, earnest, homely, genuine people.",
"OUBTS AS TO WHICH SEX SHALL RULE THE STATE AND WHICH STOP AT HOME AND MIND THE CHILDREN THE GERMAN WOMEN ARE NOT POLITICIANS AND MAYORS AND COUNTY COUNCILLORS THEIR HOUSEWIVES ALL CLASSES OF GERMANS ARE SCRUPULOUSLY POLITE TO ONE ANOTHER BUT THIS IS THE RESULT OF MUTUAL RESPECT NOT OF SNOBBERY THE TRAM CAR CONDUCTOR EXPECTS TO BE TREATED WITH PRECISELY THE SAME COURTESY THAT HE TENDERS THE COUNT RAISES HIS HAT TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND EXPECTS THE SHOPKEEPER TO RAISE HIS HAT TO HIM THE GERMANS ARE HEARTY EATERS BUT THEY ARE NOT LIKE THE FRENCH FUSSY AND FINICKY OVER THEIR FOOD THEIR STOMACH IS NOT THEIR GOD AND THE COOK WITH HIS SAUCIES AND PATTES AND RAGOUTS IS NOT THEIR HIGH PRIEST SO LONG AS THE DISH IS WHOLESOME AND THERE IS SUFFICIENT OF IT THEY ARE SATISFIED IN THE MERE SENSUOUS ARTS OF PAINTING AND SCULPTURE THE GERMANS ARE POOR IN THE ENNOBLING ARTS OF LITERATURE AND MUSIC THEY ARE GREAT AND THIS FACT PROVIDES A KEY TO THEIR CHARACTER THEY ARE A SIMPLE EARNEST HOMELY GENUINE PEOPLE"
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"They would twirl the sheet gracefully round their head, draw it lightly across their back, twist it in waving folds round their legs, wrap themselves for a moment in its whirling maze, and then lightly skip away from it, dry and smiling.",
"THEY WOULD TWIRL THE SHEET GRACEFULLY ROUND THEIR HEAD DRAW IT LIGHTLY ACROSS THEIR BACK TWIST IT IN WAVING FOLDS ROUND THEIR LEGS WRAP THEMSELVES FOR A MOMENT IN ITS WHIRLING MAZE AND THEN LIGHTLY SKIP AWAY FROM IT DRY AND SMILING"
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"rning at Heidelberg, after an all-night journey, and the first thing that the proprietor of the Royal suggested, on seeing us, was that we should have a bath. We consented to the operation, and were each shown into a little marble bath-room, in which I felt like a bit out of a picture by Alma Tadema. The bath was very refreshing; but I should have enjoyed the whole thing much better if they had provided me with something more suitable to wipe upon than a thin linen sheet. The Germans hold very curious notions as to the needs and requirements of a wet man. I wish they would occasionally wash and bath themselves, and then they would, perhaps, obtain more practical ideas upon the subject. I have wiped upon a sheet in cases of emergency, and so I have upon a pair of socks; but there is no doubt that the proper thing is a towel. To dry oneself upon a sheet needs special training and unusual agility. A Nautch Girl or a Dancing Dervish would, no doubt, get through the performance with credit.",
"ARRIVED EARLY IN THE MORNING AT HEIDELBERG AFTER AN ALL NIGHT JOURNEY AND THE FIRST THING THAT THE PROPRIETOR OF THE ROYAL SUGGESTED ON SEEING US WAS THAT WE SHOULD HAVE A BATH WE CONSENTED TO THE OPERATION AND WERE EACH SHOWN INTO A LITTLE MARBLE BATH ROOM IN WHICH I FELT LIKE A BIT OUT OF A PICTURE BY ALMA TADEMA THE BATH WAS VERY REFRESHING BUT I SHOULD HAVE ENJOYED THE WHOLE THING MUCH BETTER IF THEY HAD PROVIDED ME WITH SOMETHING MORE SUITABLE TO WIPE UPON THAN A THIN LINEN SHEET THE GERMANS HOLD VERY CURIOUS NOTIONS AS TO THE NEEDS AND REQUIREMENTS OF A WET MAN I WISH THEY WOULD OCCASIONALLY WASH AND BATH THEMSELVES AND THEN THEY WOULD PERHAPS OBTAIN MORE PRACTICAL IDEAS UPON THE SUBJECT I HAVE WIPED UPON A SHEET IN CASES OF EMERGENCY AND SO I HAVE UPON A PAIR OF SOCKS BUT THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THE PROPER THING IS A TOWEL TO DRY ONESELF UPON A SHEET NEEDS SPECIAL TRAINING AND UNUSUAL AGILITY A NOUCH GIRL OR A DANCING DERVISH WOULD NO DOUBT GET THROUGH THE PERFORMANCE WITH CREDIT"
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"I like the Germans. B. says I ought not to let them know this, because it will make them conceited; but I have no fear of such a result. I am sure they possess too much common sense for their heads to be turned by praise, no matter from whom. B. also says that I am displaying more energy than prudence in forming an opinion of a people merely from a few weeks' travel amongst them. But my experience is that first impressions are the most reliable. At all events, in my case they are.",
"I LIKE THE GERMANS B SAYS I OUGHT NOT TO LET THEM KNOW THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE THEM CONCEITED BUT I HAVE NO FEAR OF SUCH A RESULT I AM SURE THEY POSSESS TOO MUCH COMMON SENSE FOR THEIR HEADS TO BE TURNED BY PRAISE NO MATTER FROM WHOM B ALSO SAYS THAT I AM DISPLAYING MORE ENERGY THAN PRUDENCE IN FORMING AN OPINION OF A PEOPLE MERELY FROM A FEW WEEKS TRAVEL AMONGST THEM BUT MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE AT ALL EVENTS IN MY CASE THEY ARE"
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" German scholars, they did not understand anything, and nobody could make them understand anything. The collector roared at them for about ten minutes, and they smiled pleasantly and said they wanted to go to Hanover. He went and fetched the station-master, and the station-master explained to them for another ten minutes that, if they did not pay eighteen shillings each, he should do the German equivalent for summonsing them; and they smiled and nodded, and told him that they wanted to go to Hanover. Then a very important-looking personage in a cocked-hat came up, and was very angry; and he and the station-master and the collector took it in turns to explain to B. and his two friends the state of the law on the matter. They stormed and raged, and threatened and pleaded for a quarter of an hour or so, and then they got sick, and slammed the door, and went off, leaving the Government to lose the fifty-four marks. We passed the German frontier on Wednesday, and have been in Belgium since.",
" OF WHOM WERE EXCELLENT GERMAN SCHOLARS THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AND NOBODY COULD MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THE COLLECTOR ROARED AT THEM FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES AND THEY SMILED PLEASANTLY AND SAID THEY WANTED TO GO TO HANOVER HE WENT AND FETCHED THE STATION MASTER AND THE STATION MASTER EXPLAINED TO THEM FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES THAT IF THEY DID NOT PAY EIGHTEEN SHILLINGS EACH HE SHOULD DO THE GERMAN EQUIVALENT FOR SUMMONING THEM AND THEY SMILED AND NODDED AND TOLD THEM THAT THEY WANTED TO GO TO HANOVER THEN A VERY IMPORTANT LOOKING PERSONAGE IN A COCKED HAT CAME UP AND WAS VERY ANGRY AND HE AND THE STATION MASTER AND THE COLLECTOR TOOK IT IN TURNS TO EXPLAIN TO B AND HIS TWO FRIENDS THE STATE OF THE LAW ON THE MATTER THEY STORMED AND RAGED AND THREATENED AND PLEADED FOR A QUARTER OF AN HOUR OR SO AND THEN THEY GOT SICK AND SLAMMED THE DOOR AND WENT OFF LEAVING THE GOVERNMENT TO LOSE THE FIFTY FOUR MARKS WE PASSED THE GERMAN FRONTIER ON WEDNESDAY AND HAVE BEEN IN BELGIUM SINCE"
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"What can be expected from such a train? The chances are that it comes to a bad end. I expect it is recognised afterwards, a broken down, unloved, friendless, old train, wandering aimless and despised in some far off country, musing with bitter regret upon the day when, full of foolish pride and ambition, it started from Munich, with its boiler nicely oiled, at 1.45. B. abandons this 1.45 as hopeless and incorrigible, and continues his search.",
"WHAT CAN BE EXPECTED FROM SUCH A TRAIN THE CHANCES ARE THAT IT COMES TO A BAD END I EXPECT IT IS RECOGNIZED AFTERWARDS A BROKEN DOWN UNLOVED FRIENDLESS OLD TRAIN WANDERING AIMLESS AND DESPISED IN SOME FAR OFF COUNTRY MUSING WITH BITTER REGRET UPON THE DAY WHEN FULL OF FOOLISH PRIDE AND AMBITION IS STARTED FROM MUNICH WITH ITS BOILER NICELY OILED AT ONE FORTY FIVE B ABANDONS THIS ONE FORTY FIVE AS HOPELESS AND INCORRIGIBLE AND CONTINUES HIS SEARCH"
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"uided or advised. The traffic superintendent wants it to go to St. Petersburg or to Paris. The old grey-headed station-master argues with it, and tries to persuade it to go to Constantinople, or even to Jerusalem if it likes that better--urges it to, at all events, make up its mind where it _is_ going--warns it of the danger to young trains of having no fixed aim or object in life. Other people, asked to use their influence with it, have talked to it like a father, and have begged it, for their sakes, to go to Kamskatka, or Timbuctoo, or Jericho, according as they have thought best for it; and then, finding that it takes no notice of them, have got wild with it, and have told it to go to still more distant places. But to all counsel and entreaty it has turned a deaf ear. \"You leave me alone,\" it has replied; \"I know where I'm going to. Don't you worry yourself about me. You mind your own business, all of you. I don't want a lot of old fools telling me what to do. I know what I'm about.",
"G YOUNG TRAIN IT WILL NOT BE GUIDED OR ADVISED THE TRAFFIC SUPERINTENDENT WANTS IT TO GO TO SAINT PETERSBURG OR TO PARIS THE OLD GREY HEADED STATION MASTER ARGUES WITH IT AND TRIES TO PERSUADE IT TO GO TO CONSTANTINOPLE OR EVEN TO JERUSALEM IF IT LIKES THAT BETTER URGES IT TO AT ALL EVENTS MAKE UP ITS MIND WHERE IT IS GOING WARNS IT OF THE DANGER THE YOUNG TRAINS OF HAVING NO FIXED AIM OR OBJECT IN LIFE OTHER PEOPLE ASKED TO USE THEIR INFLUENCE WITH IT HAVE TALKED TO IT LIKE A FATHER AND HAVE BEGGED IT FOR THEIR SAKES TO GO TO CAMPSCATZKA OR TIMBUCTOO OR JERICHO ACCORDING AS THEY HAVE THOUGHT BEST FOR IT AND THEN FINDING THAT IT TAKES NO NOTICE OF THEM HAVE GOT WILD WITH IT AND HAVE TOLD IT TO GO TO STILL MORE DISTANT PLACES BUT TO ALL COUNSEL AND ENTREATY IT HAS TURNED A DEAF EAR YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IT HAS REPLIED I KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT ME YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS ALL OF YOU I DON'T WANT A LOT OF OLD FOOLS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO I KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT"
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"We thought that Ostend would be gay and crowded. We thought that there would be bands and theatres and concerts, and busy table d'hotes, and lively sands, and thronged parades, and pretty girls at Ostend. I bought a stick and a new pair of boots at Brussels on purpose for Ostend. There does not seem to be a living visitor in the place besides ourselves nor a dead one either, that we can find. The shops are shut up, the houses are deserted, the casino is closed.",
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"u mean, 'we sit with our mugs open'?\" asks B. \"Can't we have our mugs open if we like?\" \"Ah, yes,\" she explains pathetically; \"but then I think you want more beer. Gentlemen always open their mugs when they want them filled with beer.\" We kept our mugs shut after that. MONDAY, JUNE 9TH A Long Chapter, but happily the Last.--The Pilgrims' Return.--A Deserted Town.--Heidelberg.--The Common, or Bed, Sheet, Considered as a Towel.--B. Grapples with a Continental Time Table.--An Untractable Train.--A Quick Run.--Trains that Start from Nowhere.--Trains that Arrive at Nowhere.--Trains that Don't Do Anything.--B. Goes Mad.--Railway Travelling in Germany.--B. is Taken Prisoner.--His Fortitude.--Advantages of Ignorance.--First Impressions of Germany and of the Germans. We are at Ostend. Our pilgrimage has ended. We sail for Dover in three hours' time. The wind seems rather fresh, but they say that it will drop towards the evening. I hope they are not deceiving us. We are disappointed with Ostend.",
" CHAPTER FOURTEEN OF DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE BY JEROME K JEROME THIS LIBERY BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY MICHAEL BROOKE MONDAY JUNE NINTH A LONG CHAPTER BUT HAPPILY THE LAST THE PILGRIM'S RETURN A DESERTED TOWN HEIDELBERG THE COMMON OR BED SHEET CONSIDERED AS A TOWEL B GRAPPLES WITH A CONTINENTAL TIME TABLE AN UNTRACTABLE TRAIN A QUICK RUN TRAINS THAT START FROM NOWHERE TRAINS THAT ARRIVE AT NOWHERE TRAINS THAT DON'T DO ANYTHING B GOES MAD RAILWAY TRAVELLING IN GERMANY B IS TAKEN PRISONER HIS FORTITUDE ADVANTAGES OF IGNORANCE FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF GERMANY AND OF THE GERMANS WE ARE AT OSTEND OUR PILGRIMAGE HAS ENDED WE SAIL FOR DOVER IN THREE HOURS TIME THE WIND SEEMS RATHER FRESH BUT THEY SAY THAT IT WILL DROP TOWARDS THE EVENING I HOPE THEY ARE NOT DECEIVING US WE ARE DISAPPOINTED WITH OSTEND"
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"So are and have been many great philosophers, as [4547]Gregory Nazianzen observes, deformed most part in that which is to be seen with the eyes, but most elegant in that which is not to be seen. Saepe sub attrita latitat sapientia veste.",
"SO ARE AND HAVE BEEN MANY GREAT PHILOSOPHERS AS GREGORY NANZIONZEN OBSERVES DEFORMED MOST PART IN THAT WHICH IS TO BE SEEN WITH THE EYES BUT MOST ELEGANT IN THAT WHICH IS NOT TO BE SEEN CYPE SUBATRITA LATITAT SAPIENTIA VESTA"
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"ch is the primum mobile, first mover, and a most forcible loadstone to draw the favours and good wills of men's eyes, ears, and affections unto them. When Jesus spake, they were all astonished at his answers, (Luke ii. 47.) and wondered at his gracious words which proceeded from his mouth. An orator steals away the hearts of men, and as another Orpheus, quo vult, unde vult, he pulls them to him by speech alone: a sweet voice causeth admiration; and he that can utter himself in good words, in our ordinary phrase, is called a proper man, a divine spirit. For which cause belike, our old poets, Senatus populusque poetarum, made Mercury the gentleman-usher to the Graces, captain of eloquence, and those charities to be Jupiter's and Eurymone's daughters, descended from above. Though they be otherwise deformed, crooked, ugly to behold, those good parts of the mind denominate them fair. Plato commends the beauty of Socrates; yet who was more grim of countenance, stern and ghastly to look upon?",
"LOQUENCE WIT HONESTY WHICH IS THE PRIMUM MOBILE FIRST MOVER AND A MOST FORCIBLE LOADSTONE TO DRAW THE FAVOURS AND GOOD WILLS OF MEN'S EYES EARS AND AFFECTIONS UNTO THEM WHEN JESUS SPAKE THEY WERE ALL ASTONISHED AT HIS ANSWERS LUKE TWO FORTY SEVEN AND WONDERED AT HIS GRACIOUS WORDS WHICH PROCEEDED FROM HIS MOUTH AN ORATOR STEALS AWAY THE HEARTS OF MEN AND AS ANOTHER ORPHEUS QUO VULT UNDEVOLT HE PULLS THEM TO HIM BY SPEECH ALONE A SWEET VOICE CAUSETH ADMIRATION AND HE THAT CAN UTTER HIMSELF IN GOOD WORDS IN OUR ORDINARY PHRASE IS CALLED A PROPER MAN A DIVINE SPIRIT FOR WHICH CAUSE BELIKE OUR OLD POETS SENENATUS POPULOUSQUAE POETARUM MADE MERCURY THE GENTLEMAN USHER TO THE GRACES CAPTAIN OF ELOQUENCE AND THOSE CHARITIES TO BE JUPITER'S AND EURYMONE'S DAUGHTERS DESCENDED FROM ABOVE THOUGH THEY BE OTHERWISE DEFORMED CROOKED UGLY TO BEHOLD THOSE GOOD PARTS OF THE MIND DENOMINATE THEM FAIR PLATO COMMENDS THE BEAUTY OF SOCRATES YET WHO IS MORE GRIM OF COUNTENANCE STERN AND GHASTLY TO LOOK UPON"
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"In another place, [4579]speaking of an epigram which Martial had composed in praise of him, [4580]He gave me as much as he might, and would have done more if he could: though what can a man give more than honour, glory, and eternity?",
"IN ANOTHER PLACE SPEAKING OF AN EPIGRAM WHICH MARSHALL HAD COMPOSED IN PRAISE OF HIM HE GAVE ME AS MUCH AS HE MIGHT AND WOULD HAVE DONE MORE IF HE COULD THOUGH WHAT CAN A MAN GIVE MORE THAN HONOUR GLORY AND ETERNITY"
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"peace and quietness, a true correspondence, perfect amity, a diapason of vows and wishes, the same opinions, as between [4574] David and Jonathan, Damon and Pythias, Pylades and Orestes, [4575]Nysus and Euryalus, Theseus and Pirithous, [4576]they will live and die together, and prosecute one another with good turns. [4577]Nam vinci in amore turpissimum putant, not only living, but when their friends are dead, with tombs and monuments, nenias, epitaphs elegies, inscriptions, pyramids, obelisks, statues, images, pictures, histories, poems, annals, feasts, anniversaries, many ages after (as Plato's scholars did) they will parentare still, omit no good office that may tend to the preservation of their names, honours, and eternal memory. [4578]Illum coloribus, illum cera, illum aere, &c. He did express his friends in colours, in wax, in brass, in ivory, marble, gold, and silver (as Pliny reports of a citizen in Rome), and in a great auditory not long since recited a just volume of his life.",
"TINUE ONE AND THE SAME AND WHERE THIS LOVE TAKES PLACE THERE IS PEACE AND QUIETNESS A TRUE CORRESPONDENCE PERFECT AMITY A DIAPASSAN OF VOWS AND WISHES THE SAME OPINIONS AS BETWEEN DAVID AND JONATHAN DAMON AND PITHEUS PALODES AND ORESTES NISUS AND EUREALIS THESEUS AND PIRITHOUS THEY WILL LIVE AND DIE TOGETHER AND PROSECUTE ONE ANOTHER WITH GOOD TURNS NOM VINCEI IN THE MORA TURPISSIMUM POUTANT NOT ONLY LIVING BUT WHEN THEIR FRIENDS ARE DEAD WITH TOMBS AND MONUMENTS NINIAS EPITHETS ELEGIES INSCRIPTIONS PYRAMIDS OBELISKS STATUES IMAGES PICTURES HISTORIES POEMS ANNALS FEASTS ANNIVERSARIES MANY AGES AFTER AS PLATO'S SCHOLARS DID THEY WILL PARENTARE STILL OMIT NO GOOD OFFICE THAT THEY MAY TEND TO THE PRESERVATION OF THEIR NAMES HONORS AND ETERNAL MEMORY ILLUM COLORIBUS ILLUM SERA ILLUM AURE ET CETERA HE DID EXPRESS HIS FRIENDS IN COLORS IN WAX IN BRASS IN IVORY MARBLE GOLD AND SILVER AS PLINY REPORTS OF A CITIZEN IN ROME AND IN A GREAT AUDITORY NOT LONG SINCE RECITED A JUST VOLUME OF HIS LIFE"
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"r courts. But [4530]Pares cum paribus facillime congregantur, 'tis that [4531]similitude of manners, which ties most men in an inseparable link, as if they be addicted to the same studies or disports, they delight in one another's companies, birds of a feather will gather together: if they be of divers inclinations, or opposite in manners, they can seldom agree. Secondly, [4532]affability, custom, and familiarity, may convert nature many times, though they be different in manners, as if they be countrymen, fellow-students, colleagues, or have been fellow-soldiers, [4533]brethren in affliction, ([4534]acerba calamitatum societas, diversi etiam ingenii homines conjungit) affinity, or some such accidental occasion, though they cannot agree amongst themselves, they will stick together like burrs, and bold against a third; so after some discontinuance, or death, enmity ceaseth; or in a foreign place: Pascitur in vivis livor, post fata quiescit: Et cecidere odia, et tristes mors obruit iras.",
"NCES AND GREAT MEN ENTERTAIN JESTERS AND PLAYERS COMMONLY IN THEIR COURTS BUT PARES CUM PARIBUS FASILE CONGREGANTUR TIS THAT SIMILITUDE OF MANNERS WHICH TIES MOST MEN IN AN INSEPARABLE LENGTH AS IF THEY BE ADDICTED TO THE SAME STUDIES OR DISPORTS THEY DELIGHT IN ONE ANOTHER'S COMPANIES BIRDS OF A FEATHER WILL GATHER TOGETHER IF THEY BE OF DIVERSE INCLINATIONS OR OPPOSITE IN MANNERS THEY CAN SELDOM AGREE SECONDLY AFFABILITY CUSTOM AND FAMILIARITY MAY CONVERT NATURES MANY TIMES THOUGH THEY BE DIFFERENT IN MANNERS AS IF THEY BE COUNTRYMEN FELLOW STUDENTS COLLEAGUES OR HAVE BEEN FELLOW SOLDIERS BRETHREN IN AFFLICTION A SERBECOMITATUM SOCIETUS DIVERSI ETIAM ENGINE HOMINUS CONJUNCIT AFFINITY OR SOME SUCH ACCIDENTAL OCCASION THOUGH THEY CANNOT AGREE AMONGST THEMSELVES THEY WILL STICK TOGETHER LIKE BURS AND HOLD AGAINST A THIRD SO AFTER SOME DISCONTINUANCE OR DEATH ENMITY CEASETH OR IN A FOREIGN PLACE PASCATUR IN VIVIS LIVUR POST FATA QUIEIS SIT ET CESEDERE ODIA ET TRISTES MORE'S O BRUIT ARRAS"
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"d the greatest revenge such men take of their adversaries, to persecute them with satires, invectives, &c., and 'tis both ways of great moment, as [4581] Plato gives us to understand. Paulus Jovius, in the fourth book of the life and deeds of Pope Leo Decimus, his noble patron, concludes in these words, [4582]Because I cannot honour him as other rich men do, with like endeavour, affection, and piety, I have undertaken to write his life; since my fortunes will not give me leave to make a more sumptuous monument, I will perform those rites to his sacred ashes, which a small, perhaps, but a liberal wit can afford. But I rove. Where this true love is wanting, there can be no firm peace, friendship from teeth outward, counterfeit, or for some by-respects, so long dissembled, till they have satisfied their own ends, which, upon every small occasion, breaks out into enmity, open war, defiance, heart-burnings, whispering, calumnies, contentions, and all manner of bitter melancholy discontents.",
"POETS ORATORS HISTORIOGRAPHERS HAVE EVER DONE AND THE GREATEST REVENGE SUCH MEN TAKE OF THEIR ADVERSARIES TO PERSECUTE THEM WITH SATIRES INVECTIVES ET CETERA AND TIS BOTH WAYS OF GREAT MOMENT AS PLATO GIVES US TO UNDERSTAND PAULUS JOVIUS IN THE FOURTH BOOK OF THE LIFE AND DEEDS OF POPE LEODESMUS HIS NOBLE PATRON CONCLUDES IN THESE WORDS BECAUSE I CANNOT HONOUR HIM AS OTHER RICH MEN DO WITH LIKE ENDEAVOUR AFFECTION AND PIETY I HAVE UNDERTAKEN TO WRITE HIS LIFE SINCE MY FORTUNES WILL NOT GIVE ME LEAVE TO MAKE A MORE SUMPTUOUS MONUMENT I WILL PERFORM THOSE RITES TO HIS SACRED ASHES WHICH A SMALL PERHAPS BUT A LIBERAL WIT CAN AFFORD BUT I ROVE WHERE THIS TRUE LOVE IS WANTING THERE CAN BE NO FIRM PEACE FRIENDSHIP FROM TEETH OUTWARD COUNTERFEIT OR FOR SOME BY RESPECTS SO LONG DISSEMBLED TILL THEY HAVE SATISFIED THEIR OWN ENDS WHICH UPON EVERY SMALL OCCASION BREAKS OUT INTO ENMITY OPEN WAR DEFIANCE HEART BURNINGS WHISPERING CALUMNIES CONTENTIONS AND ALL MANNER OF BITTER MELANCHOLY DISCONTENTS"
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"nt of the senate was chosen dictator of Rome. Of such account were Cato, Fabricius, Aristides, Antonius, Probus, for their eminent worth: so Caesar, Trajan, Alexander, admired for valour, [4553] Haephestion loved Alexander, but Parmenio the king: Titus deliciae humani generis, and which Aurelius Victor hath of Vespasian, the darling of his time, as [4554]Edgar Etheling was in England, for his [4555]excellent virtues: their memory is yet fresh, sweet, and we love them many ages after, though they be dead: Suavem memoriam sui reliquit, saith Lipsius of his friend, living and dead they are all one. [4556]I have ever loved as thou knowest (so Tully wrote to Dolabella) Marcus Brutus for his great wit, singular honesty, constancy, sweet conditions; and believe it [4557] there is nothing so amiable and fair as virtue. I [4558]do mightily love Calvisinus, (so Pliny writes to Sossius) a most industrious, eloquent, upright man, which is all in all with me: the affection came from his good parts.",
"EY BE WEALTHY WITHAL QUINTUS CINCINNATUS HAD BUT FOUR ACRES AND BY THE CONSENT OF THE SENATE WAS CHOSEN DICTATOR OF ROME OF SUCH ACCOUNT WERE CATO FABRICIUS ARISTIDES ANTONIUS PROBUS FOR THEIR EMINENT WORTH SO CAESAR TRAJAN ALEXANDER ADMIRED FOR VALOR HIGH FESTIUM LOVED ALEXANDER BUT PARMENIO THE KING TITUS D'LECIA HUMANI GENERIS AND WHICH AURELIUS VICTOR HATH OF VESPASIAN THE DARLING OF HIS TIME AS EDGAR ETHELING WAS IN ENGLAND FOR HIS EXCELLENT VIRTUES THEIR MEMORY IS YET FRESH SWEET AND WE LOVE THEM MANY AGES AFTER THOUGH THEY BE DEAD SWATH THEM MEMORIAM SUI RELIQUIT SAITH LIPSIUS OF HIS FRIEND LIVING AND DEAD THEY ARE ALL ONE I HAVE EVER LOVED AS THOU KNOWEST SO TULLY WROTE TO DOLABELLA MARCUS BRUTUS FOR HIS GREAT WIT SINGULAR HONESTY CONSTANCY SWEET CONDITIONS AND BELIEVE IT THERE IS NOTHING SO AMIABLE AND FAIR AS VIRTUE I DO MIGHTILY LOVE CALVISINUS SO PLINY WRITES TO SOSIUS A MOST INDUSTRIOUS ELOQUENT UPRIGHT MAN WHICH IS ALL IN ALL WITH ME THE AFFECTION CAME FROM HIS GOOD PARTS"
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"Thomas in Psal. xliv. of both; and so doth Baradius and Peter Morales, lib de pulchritud. Jesu et Mariae, adding as much of Joseph and the Virgin Mary,—haec alias forma praecesserit omnes, [4566]according to that prediction of Sibylla Cumea.",
"THOMAS ON THE PSALMS FOURTEEN OF BOTH AND SO DOTH BARADIUS AND PETER MORALIS LIBERDE PULCHRITUDINE YEA ZOOD MARIAI ADDING AS MUCH OF JOSEPH AND THE VIRGIN MARY HYCALIUS FORMA PRICES SERET OMNES ACCORDING TO THAT PREDICTION OF SIBYLLA CUMEA"
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"n an evening with her ladies, she spied M. Alanus, one of the king's chaplains, a silly, old, [4563]hard-favoured man fast asleep in a bower, and kissed him sweetly; when the young ladies laughed at her for it, she replied, that it was not his person that she did embrace and reverence, but, with a platonic love, the divine beauty of [4564]his soul. Thus in all ages virtue hath been adored, admired, a singular lustre hath proceeded from it: and the more virtuous he is, the more gracious, the more admired. No man so much followed upon earth as Christ himself: and as the Psalmist saith, xlv. 2, He was fairer than the sons of men. Chrysostom Hom. 8 in Mat. Bernard Ser. 1. de omnibus sanctis; Austin, Cassiodore, Hier. in 9 Mat. interpret it of the [4565]beauty of his person; there was a divine majesty in his looks, it shined like lightning and drew all men to it: but Basil, Cyril, lib. 6. super. 55. Esay. Theodoret, Arnobius, &c. of the beauty of his divinity, justice, grace, eloquence, &c.",
"CE AND WIFE TO LOUIS ELEVENTH A SCOTTISH WOMAN BY BIRTH THAT WALKING FORTH IN AN EVENING WITH HER LADIES SHE SPIED M ALLANUS ONE OF THE KING'S CHAPLAINS A SILLY OLD HARD FAVOURED MAN FAST ASLEEP IN A BOWER AND KISSED HIM SWEETLY WHEN THE YOUNG LADIES LAUGHED AT HER FOR IT SHE REPLIED THAT IT WAS NOT HIS PERSON THAT SHE DID EMBRACE IN REVERENCE BUT WITH A PLATONIC LOVE THE DIVINE BEAUTY OF HIS SOUL THUS IN ALL AGES VIRTUE HATH BEEN ADORED ADMIRED A SINGULAR LUSTRE HATH PROCEEDED FROM IT AND THE MORE VIRTUOUS HE IS THE MORE GRACIOUS THE MORE ADMIRED NO MAN SO MUCH FOLLOWED UPON EARTH AS CHRIST HIMSELF AND AS THE PSALMIST SAITH FOURTEEN TWO HE WAS FAIRER THAN THE SONS OF MEN CHRYSASTEM HOMILY ATE ON MATTHEW BERNARD DE OMNIBUS SANCTUS AUGUSTINE CASSIODORE INTERPRETED OF THE BEAUTY OF HIS PERSON THERE WAS A DIVINE MAJESTY IN HIS LOOKS IT SHINED LIKE LIGHTNING AND DREW ALL MEN TO IT BUT BASIL CYRIL THEODORE IT ARNOBIUS ET CETERA OF THE BEAUTY OF HIS DIVINITY JUSTICE GRACE ELOQUENCE ET CETERA"
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"TITUS POMPONIUS ATTICUS THAT NOBLE CITIZEN OF ROME WAS SO FAIR CONDITIONED OF SO SWEET A CARRIAGE THAT HE WAS GENERALLY BELOVED OF ALL GOOD MEN OF CAESAR POMPEY ANTONY TOLI OF DIVERSE SEX ET CETERA"
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"hered old men, Sileni Alcibiadis, very harsh and impolite to the eye; but who were so terse, polite, eloquent, generally learned, temperate and modest? No man then living was so fair as Alcibiades, so lovely quo ad superficiem, to the eye, as [4548]Boethius observes, but he had Corpus turpissimum interne, a most deformed soul; honesty, virtue, fair conditions, are great enticers to such as are well given, and much avail to get the favour and goodwill of men. Abdolominus in Curtius, a poor man, (but which mine author notes, [4549]the cause of this poverty was his honesty) for his modesty and continency from a private person (for they found him digging in his garden) was saluted king, and preferred before all the magnificoes of his time, injecta ei vestis purpura auroque distincta, a purple embroidered garment was put upon him, [4550]and they bade him wash himself, and, as he was worthy, take upon him the style and spirit of a king, continue his continency and the rest of his good parts.",
"RISTOTLE POLITIANUS MELANCHTHON GESNER ET CETERA WITHERED OLD MEN SILENI ALCIBIADES VERY HARSH AND IMPOLITE TO THE EYE BUT WHO WERE SO TERSE POLITE ELOQUENT GENERALLY LEARNED TEMPERATE AND MODEST NO MAN THEN LIVING WAS SO FAIR AS ALL SABITES SO LOVELY QUO OD SUPERFICIUM TO THE EYE AS BOETHIUS OBSERVES BUT HE HAD CORPUS TORPISSIMUM IN TOURNAY A MOST DEFORMED SOUL HONESTY VIRTUE FAIR CONDITIONS ARE GREAT ENTICERS TO SUCH AS ARE WELL GIVEN AND MUCH AVAIL TO GET THE FAVOUR AND GOOD WILL OF MEN ABDOLUMINUS IN CURTIUS A POOR MAN BUT WHICH MINE AUTHOR NOTES THE CAUSE OF THIS POVERTY WAS HIS HONESTY FOR HIS MODESTY AND CONTINANCY FROM A PRIVATE PERSON FOR THEY FOUND HIM DIGGING IN HIS GARDEN WAS SALUTED KING AND PREFERRED BEFORE ALL THE MAGNIFICOS OF HIS TIME INJECTA IVESTIS PULPURA ORAQUA DISTINCTA A PURPLE EMBROIDERED GARMENT WAS PUT UPON HIM AND THEY BADE HIM WASH HIMSELF AND AS HE WAS WORTHY TAKE UPON HIM THE STYLE AND SPIRIT OF A KING CONTINUE HIS CONTINENCY AND THE REST OF HIS GOOD PARTS"
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"But I rove. Where this true love is wanting, there can be no firm peace, friendship from teeth outward, counterfeit, or for some by respects, so long dissembled, till they have satisfied their own ends, which, upon every small occasion, breaks out into enmity, open war, defiance, heart burnings, whispering, calumnies, contentions, and all manner of bitter melancholy discontents. And those men which have no other object of their love, than greatness, wealth, authority, &c.",
"BUT I ROVE WHERE THIS TRUE LOVE IS WANTING THERE CAN BE NO FIRM PEACE FRIENDSHIP FROM TEETH OUTWARD COUNTERFEIT OR FOR SOME BY RESPECTS SO LONG DISSEMBLED TILL THEY HAVE SATISFIED THEIR OWN ENDS WHICH UPON EVERY SMALL OCCASION BREAKS OUT INTO ENMITY OPEN WAR DEFIANCE HEART BURNINGS WHISPERING CALUMNIES CONTENTIONS AND ALL MANNER OF BITTER MELANCHOLY DISCONTENTS AND THOSE MEN WHICH HAVE NO OTHER OBJECT OF THEIR LOVE THAN GREATNESS WEALTH AUTHORITY ET"
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"at can a man give more than honour, glory, and eternity? But that which he wrote peradventure will not continue, yet he wrote it to continue. 'Tis all the recompense a poor scholar can make his well-deserving patron, Mecaenas, friend, to mention him in his works, to dedicate a book to his name, to write his life, &c., as all our poets, orators, historiographers have ever done, and the greatest revenge such men take of their adversaries, to persecute them with satires, invectives, &c., and 'tis both ways of great moment, as [4581] Plato gives us to understand. Paulus Jovius, in the fourth book of the life and deeds of Pope Leo Decimus, his noble patron, concludes in these words, [4582]Because I cannot honour him as other rich men do, with like endeavour, affection, and piety, I have undertaken to write his life; since my fortunes will not give me leave to make a more sumptuous monument, I will perform those rites to his sacred ashes, which a small, perhaps, but a liberal wit can afford.",
"VE DONE MORE IF HE COULD THOUGH WHAT CAN A MAN GIVE MORE THAN HONOUR GLORY AND ETERNITY BUT THAT WHICH HE WROTE PERADVENTURE WILL NOT CONTINUE YET HE WROTE IT TO CONTINUE TIS ALL THE RECOMPENSE A POOR SCHOLAR CAN MAKE HIS WELL DESERVING PATRON MESSINUS FRIEND TO MENTION HIM IN HIS WORKS TO DEDICATE A BOOK TO HIS NAME TO WRITE HIS LIFE ET CETERA AS ALL OUR GREAT POETS ORATORS HISTORIOGRAPHERS HAVE EVER DONE AND THE GREATEST REVENGE SUCH MEN TAKE OF THEIR ADVERSARIES TO PERSECUTE THEM WITH SATIRES INVECTIVES ET CETERA AND TIS BOTH WAYS OF GREAT MOMENT AS PLATO GIVES US TO UNDERSTAND PAULUS JOVIUS IN THE FOURTH BOOK OF THE LIFE AND DEEDS OF POPE LEODESMUS HIS NOBLE PATRON CONCLUDES IN THESE WORDS BECAUSE I CANNOT HONOUR HIM AS OTHER RICH MEN DO WITH LIKE ENDEAVOUR AFFECTION AND PIETY I HAVE UNDERTAKEN TO WRITE HIS LIFE SINCE MY FORTUNES WILL NOT GIVE ME LEAVE TO MAKE A MORE SUMPTUOUS MONUMENT I WILL PERFORM THOSE RITES TO HIS SACRED ASHES WHICH A SMALL PERHAPS BUT A LIBERAL WIT CAN AFFORD"
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"men. Non uxor salvum te vult, non filius, omnes Vicini oderunt,——— wife and children, friends, neighbours, all the world forsakes them, would feign be rid of them, and are compelled many times to lay violent hands on them, or else God's judgments overtake them: instead of graces, come furies. So when fair [4583]Abigail, a woman of singular wisdom, was acceptable to David, Nabal was churlish and evil-conditioned; and therefore [4584]Mordecai was received, when Haman was executed, Haman the favourite, that had his seat above the other princes, to whom all the king's servants that stood in the gates, bowed their knees and reverenced. Though they flourished many times, such hypocrites, such temporising foxes, and blear the world's eyes by flattery, bribery, dissembling their natures, or other men's weakness, that cannot so apprehend their tricks, yet in the end they will be discerned, and precipitated in a moment: surely, saith David, thou hast set them in slippery places, Psal. xxxvii. 5.",
"E GENERALLY ODIOUS ABHORRED OF BY ALL BOTH GOD AND MEN NON UXOR SALVUM TE VULT NONPHILIUS OMNES VESSINI O DURUNT WIFE AND CHILDREN FRIENDS NEIGHBORS ALL THE WORLD FORSAKES THEM WOULD FAIN BE RID OF THEM AND ARE COMPELLED MANY TIMES TO LAY VIOLENT HANDS ON THEM OR ELSE GOD'S JUDGMENT OVERTAKE THEM INSTEAD OF GRACES COME FURIES SO WHEN FAIR ABIGAIL A WOMAN OF SINGULAR WISDOM WAS ACCEPTABLE TO DAVID NABAL WAS JEWISH AND EVIL CONDITIONED AND THEREFORE MORDECAI WAS RECEIVED WHEN HAMAN WAS EXECUTED HAMAN THE FAVORITE THAT HAD HIS SEAT ABOVE THE OTHER PRINCES TO WHOM ALL THE KING'S SERVANTS THAT STOOD IN THE GATES BOWED THEIR KNEES IN REVERENCE THOUGH THEY FLOURISHED MANY TIMES SUCH HYPOCRITES SUCH TEMPORISING FOXES AND BLEAR THE WORLD'S EYES BY FLATTERY BRIBERY DISSEMBLING THEIR NATURES OR OTHER MEN'S WEAKNESS THAT CANNOT SO APPREHEND THEIR TRICKS YET IN THE END THEY WILL BE DISCERNED AND PRECIPITATED IN A MOMENT SURELY SAITH DAVID THOU HAST SET THEM IN SLIPPERY PLACES SOME THIRTY SEVEN FIVE"
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" near us, or afar off, this beauty shines, and will attract men many miles to come and visit it. Plato and Pythagoras left their country, to see those wise Egyptian priests: Apollonius travelled into Ethiopia, Persia, to consult with the Magi, Brachmanni, gymnosophists. The Queen of Sheba came to visit Solomon; and many, saith [4567]Hierom, went out of Spain and remote places a thousand miles, to behold that eloquent Livy: [4568]Multi Romam non ut urbem pulcherrimam, aut urbis et orbis dominum Octavianum, sed ut hunc unum inviserent audirentque, a Gadibus profecti sunt. No beauty leaves such an impression, strikes so deep [4569], or links the souls of men closer than virtue. [4570]Non per deos aut pictor posset, Aut statuarius ullus fingere Talem pulchritudinem qualem virtus habet; no painter, no graver, no carver can express virtue's lustre, or those admirable rays that come from it, those enchanting rays that enamour posterity, those everlasting rays that continue to the world's end.",
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"y, constancy, sweet conditions; and believe it [4557] there is nothing so amiable and fair as virtue. I [4558]do mightily love Calvisinus, (so Pliny writes to Sossius) a most industrious, eloquent, upright man, which is all in all with me: the affection came from his good parts. And as St. Austin comments on the 84th Psalm, [4559]there is a peculiar beauty of justice, and inward beauty, which we see with the eyes of our hearts, love, and are enamoured with, as in martyrs, though their bodies be torn in pieces with wild beasts, yet this beauty shines, and we love their virtues. The [4560]stoics are of opinion that a wise man is only fair; and Cato in Tully 3 de Finibus contends the same, that the lineaments of the mind are far fairer than those of the body, incomparably beyond them: wisdom and valour according to [4561]Xenophon, especially deserve the name of beauty, and denominate one fair, et incomparabiliter pulchrior est (as Austin holds) veritas Christianorum quam Helena Graecorum.",
"UTUS FOR HIS GREAT WIT SINGULAR HONESTY CONSTANCY SWEET CONDITIONS AND BELIEVE IT THERE IS NOTHING SO AMIABLE AND FAIR AS VIRTUE I DO MIGHTILY LOVE CALVISINUS SO PLINY WRITES TO SOSIUS A MOST INDUSTRIOUS ELOQUENT UPRIGHT MAN WHICH IS ALL IN ALL WITH ME THE AFFECTION CAME FROM HIS GOOD PARTS AND AS SAINT AUGUSTINE COMMENTS ON THE EIGHTY FOURTH PSALM THERE IS A PECULIAR BEAUTY OF JUSTICE AND INWARD BEAUTY WHICH WE SEE THROUGH THE EYES OF OUR HEARTS LOVE AND ARE ENAMOURED WITH AS IN MARTYRS THOUGH THEIR BODIES BE TORN IN PIECES WITH WILD BEASTS YET THIS BEAUTY SHINES AND WE LOVE THEIR VIRTUES THE STOICS ARE OF OPINION THAT A WISE MAN IS ONLY FAIR AND CATO AND TULLI THREE DEFINIBUS CONTENDS THE SAME THAT THE LINEAMENTS OF THE MIND ARE FAR FAIRER THAN THOSE OF THE BODY INCOMPARABLY BEYOND THEM WISDOM AND VALOUR ACCORDING TO XENOPHON ESPECIALLY DESERVE THE NAME OF BEAUTY AND DENOMINATE ONE FAIR ET INCOMPARABILTER PULCHRIER EST AS AUGUSTINE HOLDS VERITAS CHRISTI NORAUM QUAM HELLENA GRICCHORUM"
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"Antistes sapientiae, perpetuus dictator, literarum ornamentum, Europae miraculum, noble Scaliger, [4537] incredibilis ingenii praestantia, &c., diis potius quam hominibus per omnia comparandus, scripta ejus aurea ancylia de coelo delapsa poplitibus veneramur flexis, &c.",
"ANTISTIS SAPIENTIAE PERPETOUS DICTATUR LITERARUM ORNAMENTUM EUROPE MIRACULUM NOBLE SCALIGER INCREDIBULIS INGENIE PRIESTANTIA ET CETERA DESPOTUS QUAM HOMNIBUS PER OMNIA COMPARANDUS SCRIPTA EJUS ORIA AND SILLIA DE CELLO DI LAPSIA POPLICTIBUS VENERAMUR FLEXIS ET"
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"ny times, though they be different in manners, as if they be countrymen, fellow-students, colleagues, or have been fellow-soldiers, [4533]brethren in affliction, ([4534]acerba calamitatum societas, diversi etiam ingenii homines conjungit) affinity, or some such accidental occasion, though they cannot agree amongst themselves, they will stick together like burrs, and bold against a third; so after some discontinuance, or death, enmity ceaseth; or in a foreign place: Pascitur in vivis livor, post fata quiescit: Et cecidere odia, et tristes mors obruit iras. A third cause of love and hate, may be mutual offices, acceptum beneficium, [4535]commend him, use him kindly, take his part in a quarrel, relieve him in his misery, thou winnest him for ever; do the opposite, and be sure of a perpetual enemy. Praise and dispraise of each other, do as much, though unknown, as [4536]Schoppius by Scaliger and Casaubonus: mulus mulum scabit; who but Scaliger with him? what encomiums, epithets, eulogiums?",
"E SECONDLY AFFABILITY CUSTOM AND FAMILIARITY MAY CONVERT NATURES MANY TIMES THOUGH THEY BE DIFFERENT IN MANNERS AS IF THEY BE COUNTRYMEN FELLOW STUDENTS COLLEAGUES OR HAVE BEEN FELLOW SOLDIERS BRETHREN IN AFFLICTION A SERBECOMITATUM SOCIETUS DIVERSI ETIAM ENGINE HOMINUS CONJUNCIT AFFINITY OR SOME SUCH ACCIDENTAL OCCASION THOUGH THEY CANNOT AGREE AMONGST THEMSELVES THEY WILL STICK TOGETHER LIKE BURS AND HOLD AGAINST A THIRD SO AFTER SOME DISCONTINUANCE OR DEATH ENMITY CEASETH OR IN A FOREIGN PLACE PASCATUR IN VIVIS LIVUR POST FATA QUIEIS SIT ET CESEDERE ODIA ET TRISTES MORE'S O BRUIT ARRAS A THIRD CAUSE OF LOVE AND HATE MAY BE MUTUAL OFFICES ACCEPTUM BENEFICIUM COMMEND HIM USE HIM KINDLY TAKE HIS PART IN A QUARREL RELIEVE HIM IN MISERY THOU WINNEST HIM FOR EVER DO THE OPPOSITE AND BE SURE OF OUR PERPETUAL ENEMY PRAISE AND DISPRAISE OF EACH OTHER DO AS MUCH THOUGH UNKNOWN AS SCHOPIUS BY SCALIGER AND CASABONUS MULUS MULUM SCABBET WHO BUT SCALAGAR WITH HIM WHAT ENCOMIUMS EPITHETS EULOGIUMS"
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"All pleasant things Atrides doth adorn ; The merry genius smiled when he was born.* And they compute this happiness from his great stores of ammunition, his variety of managed horses, and his bat talions of disciplined men.",
"ALL PLEASANT THINGS ATTRITESE DOTH ADORN THE MERRY GENIUS SMILED WHEN HE WAS BORN AND THEY COMPUTE THIS HAPPINESS FROM HIS GREAT STORES OF AMMUNITION HIS VARIETY OF MANAGED HORSES AND HIS BATTALIONS OF DISCIPLINED MEN"
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"nward, and thou shalt find most gnawing disquiets to be dissembled under these false appearances. AVhen the renoAvned Pit- tacus, who got him so gi'eat a name for his fortitude, Avisdom, and justice, Avas entertaining his friends at a noble banquet, and his spouse in an angry humor came and overturned the table ; his guests being extremely dis- turbed at it, he told them : Every one of you hath his particular plague, and my wife is mine; and he is very happy who hath this only. The pleading lawyer's happy at the bar ; But the scene openmg shows a civil war. For the good man hath a domestic strife, He's slave to that imperious creature, wife. Scolding without doors doth to him belong, But she within them doth claim all the tongue. Pecked by his female tyrant liim I see. Whilst from this grievance I mj'self am free. These are the secret stings Λvllich are inseparable from honor, riches, and dominion, and which are unknoAvn to the vulgar, because a counterfeit lustre dazzleth their sight.",
" THE GAUDY CURTAIN AND CARRY THY EYES INWARD AND THOU SHALT FIND MOST GNAWING DISQUIETS TO BE DISSEMBLED UNDER THESE FALSE APPEARANCES WHEN THE RENOWNED PITIKUS WHO GOT HIM SO GREAT A NAME FOR HIS FORTITUDE WISDOM AND JUSTICE WAS ENTERTAINING HIS FRIENDS AT A NOBLE BANQUET AND HIS SPOUSE IN AN ANGRY HUMOUR CAME AND OVERTURNED THE TABLE HIS GUESTS BEING EXTREMELY DISTURBED AT IT HE TOLD THEM EVERY ONE OF YOU HATH HIS PARTICULAR PLAGUE AND MY WIFE IS MINE AND HE IS VERY HAPPY WHO HATH THIS ONLY THE PLEADING LAWYER IS HAPPY AT THE BAR BUT THE SEEN OPENING CHOSE A CIVIL WAR FOR THE GOOD MAN HATH A DOMESTIC STRIFE HE'S A SLAVE TO THAT IMPERIOUS CREATURE WIFE SCOLDING WITH OUTDOORS DOTH TO HIM BELONG BUT SHE WITHIN THEM DOTH CLAIM ALL THE TONGUE PECKED BY HIS FEMALE TYRANTS HIM I SEE WHILST FROM THIS GRIEVANCE I MYSELF AM FREE THESE ARE THE SECRET STINGS WHICH ARE INSEPARABLE FROM HONOUR RICHES AND DOMINION AND WHICH ARE UNKNOWN TO THE VULGAR BECAUSE A COUNTERFEIT LUSTRE DAZZLETH THEIR SIGHT"
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"But one of Thasis, another of Chios, one of Galatia, and a fourth of Bithynia, not contenting themselves with the rank they enjoyed amongst their fello\\v citizens, wdiere they had honor and commands, complain that they have not foreign characters and are not made patricians of Kome; and if they attain that dignity, that they are not ])raetors ; and if they arrive even to that degree, they still think them selves ill dealt with that they are not consuls ; and when promoted to the fasces, that they were declared the second, and not the first.",
"BUT ONE OF THASIS ANOTHER OF CHIUS ONE OF GALATIA AND A FOURTH OF BITHENIA NOT CONTENTING THEMSELVES WITH THE RANK THEY ENJOYED AMONGST THEIR FELLOW CITIZENS WHERE THEY HAD HONOUR AND COMMANDS COMPLAIN THAT THEY HAVE NOT FOREIGN CHARACTERS AND ARE NOT MADE PATRICIANS OF ROME AND IF THEY ATTAIN THAT DIGNITY THAT THEY ARE NOT PRAETORS AND IF THEY ARRIVE EVEN TO THAT DEGREE THEY STILL THINK THEMSELVES ILL DEALT WITH THAT THEY ARE NOT CONSULS AND WHEN PROMOTED TO THE FOSSES THAT THEY WERE DECLARED THE SECOND AND NOT THE FIRST"
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"of the mind, for a man chiefly to consider him- self and his own aff\"airs. But if this always cannot take place, he should not make comparisons wdth men of a superior condition to himself; though this is the epidemi OF THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE MIND. 149 cal frenzy of the vulgar. As for instance, slaves wlio lie in fetters applaud their good fortune whose shackles are off ; those who are loosed from their bonds Avould be free men by manumission ; these again aspire to be citizens ; the citizen would be rich ; the wealthy man would be a gover- nor of a provhice ; the haughty governor would be a king, and the king a God, hardly resting content unless he can hurl thunderbolts and dart lightning. So all are eager for what is above them, and are never content with what they have. The wealth of golden Gyges has no delight for me. Likewise, — No emulation doth my spirits fire, Tiie actions of the Gods I don't admire. I would not, to be great, a tyrant be ; The least appearances I would not see.",
"DEMNING THEIR OWN BESIDES THIS IS A THING HIGHLY CONDUCING TO THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE MIND FOR A MAN CHIEFLY TO CONSIDER HIMSELF AND HIS OWN AFFAIRS BUT IF THIS ALWAYS CANNOT TAKE PLACE HE SHOULD NOT MAKE COMPARISONS WITH MEN OF A SUPERIOR CONDITION TO HIMSELF THOUGH THIS IS THE EPIDEMICAL FRENZY OF THE VULGAR AS FOR INSTANCE SLAVES WHO LIE IN FETTERS APPLAUD THEIR GOOD FORTUNE WHOSE SHACKLES ARE OFF THOSE WHO ARE LOOSE FROM THEIR BONDS WOULD BE FREE MEN BY MANUMISSION THESE AGAIN ASPIRE TO BE CITIZENS THE CITIZEN WOULD BE RICH THE WEALTHY MAN WOULD BE A GOVERNOR OF A PROVINCE THE HAUGHTY GOVERNOR WOULD BE A KING AND THE KING A GOD HARDLY RESTING CONTENT UNLESS HE CAN HURL THUNDERBOLTS AND DART LIGHTNING SO ALL ARE EAGER FOR WHAT IS ABOVE THEM AND ARE NEVER CONTENT WITH WHAT THEY HAVE THE WEALTH OF GOLDEN GUYGIES HAS NO DEIGHT FOR ME LIKEWISE NO EMULATION DOTH MY SPIRITS FIRE THE ACTION OF THE GODS I DON'T ADMIRE I WOULD NOT TO BE GREAT A TYRANT BE THE LEAST APPEARANCES I WOULD NOT SEE"
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" government, and wast baulked in thy hopes ; consider that thou wilt live at ease in thy own country, following thy own affairs. Thou wast ambitious to be the confidant of some great person, and sufFeredst a repulse ; thou \\vilt gain thus much by it, that thou wilt be free from danger and disembarrassed from business. Again, hast thou managed any affairs full of intricacy and trouble ? Hot water doth not so much cher- ish the soft members of the body, as Pindar* expresseth it, as glory and honor joined with poAver sweeten all our toils and make labor easy. Hast thou met with any unfor- tunate success '? Hath calumny bit, or envy hissed at thee ? There is yet a prosperous gale, which sits fair to convey thee to the port of the Muses and land thee at the Academy. This Plato did, after he made shipwreck of the friendship of Diogenes. And indeed it highly conduceth to the tran quillity of the mind, to look back upon illustrious men and see with what temper they have borne their calamities.",
" STOODST CANDIDATE FOR A PLACE IN THE GOVERNMENT AND WAST BAULKED IN THY HOPES CONSIDER THAT THOU WILT LIVE AT EASE IN THY OWN COUNTRY FOLLOWING THY OWN AFFAIRS THOU WAST AMBITIOUS TO BE THE CONFIDANT OF SOME GREAT PERSON AND SUFFERED SO REPULSE THOU WILT GAIN THUS MUCH BY IT THAT THOU WILT BE FREE FROM DANGER AND DISEMBARRASSED FROM BUSINESS AGAIN HAST THOU MANAGED ANY AFFAIRS FULL OF INTRICACY AND TROUBLE HOT WATER DOTH NOT SO MUCH CHERISH THE SOFT MEMBERS OF THE BODY AS PINDAR EXPRESSETH IT AS GLORY AND HONOUR JOINED WITH POWER SWEETEN ALL OUR TOILS AND MAKE LABOR EASY HAST THOU MET WITH ANY UNFORTUNATE SUCCESS HAS CALUMNY BIT OR ENVY HISSED AT THEE THERE IS YET A PROSPEROUS GALE WHICH SITS FAIR TO CONVEY THEE TO THE PORT OF THE MUSES AND LAND THEE AT THE ACADEMY THIS PLATO DID AFTER HE MADE SHIPWRECK OF THE FRIENDSHIP OF DIAGENES AND INDEED IT HIGHLY CONDUCETH TO THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE MIND TO LOOK BACK UPON ILLUSTRIOUS MEN AND SEE WITH WHAT TEMPER THEY HAVE BORNE THEIR CALAMITIES"
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"J And he himself complains of it, being mightily dis turbed, after this manner : — I live an idle burden to the ground.",
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" mind theii domestic affairs. Whereas in fact, as Hesiod expresseth it,— The virgins' tender limbs are kept from cold ; Not the least wind to touch tliem is so bold ; * but nevertheless we see that grief and troubles and discontentments, arising from jealousy or superstition or vain opinions, flow as it were with a torrent into the apart- ments of the females. And though Laertes lived twenty years in the fields secluded from the world, and Only a toothless hag did make his bed, Draw him his drink, and did his table spread, t though he forsook his house and country, and fled from a kingdom, yet grief with his sloth and sadness still kept him company. There are some to whom idleness hath been an affliction ; as for instance, — But raging still, amidst his navy sat The stern Achilles, steadfast in his hate ; Nor mix'd in combat, nor in council join'd ; But wasting cares lay heavy on his mind : In his black thoughts revenge and slaughter roll, And scenes of blood rise dreadful in his soul.",
"N MEN SINCE THEY ONLY SIT AT HOME AND MIND THEIR DOMESTIC AFFAIRS WHEREAS IN FACT AS HE SEE IT EXPRESSETH IT THE VIRGIN'S TENDER LIMBS ARE KEPT FROM COLD NOT THE LEAST WIND TO TOUCH THEM IS SO BOLD BUT NEVERTHELESS WE SEE THAT GRIEF AND TROUBLES AND DISCONTENTMENTS ARISING FROM JEALOUSY OR SUPERSTITION OR VAIN OPINIONS GLOW AS IT WERE WITH A TORRENT INTO THE APARTMENTS OF THE FEMALES AND THOUGH LEIERTIS LIVED TWENTY YEARS IN THE FIELDS SECLUDED FROM THE WORLD AND ONLY A TOOTHLESS HAG DID MAKE HIS BED DRAW HIM HIS DRINK AND DID HIS TABLE SPREAD THOUGH HE FORSOOK HIS HOUSE AND COUNTRY AND FLED FROM A KINGDOM YET GRIEF WITH HIS SLOTH AND SADNESS STILL KEPT HIM COMPANY THERE ARE SOME TO WHOM IDLENESS HATH BEEN IN AFFLICTION AS FOR INSTANCE BUT RAGING STILL AMIDST HIS NAVY SAT THE STERN ACHILLES STEADFAST IN HIS HATE NOR MIXED IN COMBAT NOR IN COUNSEL JOIN'D BUT WASTING CARES LAY HEAVY ON HIS MIND IN HIS BLACK THOUGHTS REVENGE AND SLAUGHTER ROLL AND SCENES OF BLOOD RISE DREADFUL IN HIS SOUL"
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"Thus, as chil dren, if you rob them of one of their play games, will throw away the rest, and cry and scream ; so, if Fortune infest us only in one part, we grow fearful and abandon ourselves wholly to her attacks.",
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"RANQUILLITY OF THE MIND. 147 that was pricked and vapid to taste at supper ; and one of his servants asking another what he left his master doing, he made this answer, that he was calling for bad when the good was by him. For most men leave the pleasant and delectable things behind them, and run with haste to em- brace those which are not only difficult but intolerable. Aristippus was not of this number, for he knew, even to the niceness of a grain, to put prosperous against adverse fortune into the scale, that the one might outweigh the other. Therefore when he lost a noble farm, he asked one of his dissembled friends, who pretended to be sorry, not only Avith regret but impatience, for his mishap : Thou hast but one piece of land, but have I not three farms yet re- maining 1 He assenting to the truth of it : Why then, saith he, should Τ not rather lament your misfortune, since it is the raving only of a mad man to be concerned at what is lost, and not rather rejoice in Avhat is left?",
"E OF HIS BEST AND MOST GENEROUS WINE TO OTHERS CALLED FOR SOME WHAT WAS PRICKED AND VAPID TO TASTE AT SUPPER AND ONE OF HIS SERVANTS ASKING ANOTHER WHAT HE LEFT HIS MASTER DOING HE MADE THIS ANSWER THAT HE WAS CALLING FOR BAD WHEN THE GOOD WAS BY HIM FOR MOST MEN LEAVE THE PLEASANT AND DELECTABLE THINGS BEHIND THEM AND RUN WITH HASTE TO EMBRACE THOSE WHICH ARE NOT ONLY DIFFICULT BUT INTOLERABLE ARISTIPUS WAS NOT OF THIS NUMBER FOR HE KNEW EVEN TO THE NICENESS OF A GRAIN TO PUT PROSPEROUS AGAINST ADVERSE FORTUNE INTO THE SCALE THAT THE ONE MIGHT OUTWEIGH THE OTHER THEREFORE WHEN HE LOST THE NOBLE FARM HE ASKED ONE OF HIS DISSEMBLED FRIENDS WHO PRETENDED TO BE SORRY NOT ONLY WITH REGRET BUT IMPATIENCE FOR HIS MISHAP THOU HAST BUT ONE PIECE OF LAND BUT HAVE I NOT THREE FARMS YET REMAINING HE ASSENTING TO THE TRUTH OF IT WHY THEN SAITH HE SHOULD I NOT RATHER LAMENT YOUR MISFORTUNE SINCE IT IS THE RAVING ONLY OF A MADMAN TO BE CONCERNED AT WHAT IS LOST AND NOT RATHER REJOICE IN WHAT IS LEFT"
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"The pleading lawyer's happy at the bar ; But the scene openmg shows a civil war. For the good man hath a domestic strife, He's slave to that imperious creature, wife. Scolding without doors doth to him belong, But she within them doth claim all the tongue.",
"THE PLEADING LAWYER IS HAPPY AT THE BAR BUT THE SEEN OPENING CHOSE A CIVIL WAR FOR THE GOOD MAN HATH A DOMESTIC STRIFE HE'S A SLAVE TO THAT IMPERIOUS CREATURE WIFE SCOLDING WITH OUTDOORS DOTH TO HIM BELONG BUT SHE WITHIN THEM DOTH CLAIM ALL THE TONGUE"
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"urthens or by flattery. OF THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE MIND. 151 11. But such is our folly, that we accustom ourselves rather to live for other men's sakes than our ολνη; and our dispositions are so prone to upbraidings and to be tainted with envy, that the grief we conceive at others' prosperity lessens the joy we ought to take in our own. But to cure thee of this extravagant emulation, look not upon tlie out- side of these applauded men, which is so gay and brilliant, but draw the gaudy curtain and carry thy eyes inward, and thou shalt find most gnawing disquiets to be dissembled under these false appearances. AVhen the renoAvned Pit- tacus, who got him so gi'eat a name for his fortitude, Avisdom, and justice, Avas entertaining his friends at a noble banquet, and his spouse in an angry humor came and overturned the table ; his guests being extremely dis- turbed at it, he told them : Every one of you hath his particular plague, and my wife is mine; and he is very happy who hath this only.",
" AND THAT WE DO NOT BEG OUR BREAD AND ARE NOT FORCED TO SUBSIST BY CARRYING OFF BURDENS OR BY FLATTERY BUT SUCH IS OUR FOLLY THAT WE ACCUSTOM OURSELVES RATHER TO LIVE FOR OTHER MEN'S SAKES THAN OUR OWN AND OUR DISPOSITIONS ARE SO PRONE TO UPRIDINGS AND TO BE TAINTED WITH ENVY THAT THE GRIEF WE CONCEIVE AT OTHERS PROSPERITY LESSENS THE JOY WE OUGHT TO TAKE IN OUR OWN BUT TO CURE THEE OF THIS EXTRAVAGANT EMULATION LOOK NOT UPON THE OUTSIDE OF THESE APPLAUDED MEN WHICH IS SO GAY AND BRILLIANT BUT DRAW THE GAUDY CURTAIN AND CARRY THY EYES INWARD AND THOU SHALT FIND MOST GNAWING DISQUIETS TO BE DISSEMBLED UNDER THESE FALSE APPEARANCES WHEN THE RENOWNED PITIKUS WHO GOT HIM SO GREAT A NAME FOR HIS FORTITUDE WISDOM AND JUSTICE WAS ENTERTAINING HIS FRIENDS AT A NOBLE BANQUET AND HIS SPOUSE IN AN ANGRY HUMOUR CAME AND OVERTURNED THE TABLE HIS GUESTS BEING EXTREMELY DISTURBED AT IT HE TOLD THEM EVERY ONE OF YOU HATH HIS PARTICULAR PLAGUE AND MY WIFE IS MINE AND HE IS VERY HAPPY WHO HATH THIS ONLY"
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"Antipater of Tar sus, when he Avas upon his death bed and reckoning up all the good events which had befallen him, Avould not omit a prosperous voyage Avhich he had AA'hen he sailed from Cilicia to Athens. Even the trite and common blessings are not to be despised, but ought to take up a room in our deliberations.",
"ANTIPATER OF TARSUS WHEN HE WAS UPON HIS DEATH BED AND RECKONING UP ALL THE GOOD EVENTS WHICH HAD BEFALLEN HIM WOULD NOT OMIT A PROSPEROUS VOYAGE WHICH HE HAD WHEN HE SAILED FROM CILICIA TO ATHENS EVEN THE TRITE AND COMMON BLESSINGS ARE NOT TO BE DESPISED BUT OUGHT TO TAKE UP A ROOM IN OUR DELIBERATIONS"
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" the niceness of a grain, to put prosperous against adverse fortune into the scale, that the one might outweigh the other. Therefore when he lost a noble farm, he asked one of his dissembled friends, who pretended to be sorry, not only Avith regret but impatience, for his mishap : Thou hast but one piece of land, but have I not three farms yet re- maining 1 He assenting to the truth of it : Why then, saith he, should Τ not rather lament your misfortune, since it is the raving only of a mad man to be concerned at what is lost, and not rather rejoice in Avhat is left? Thus, as chil- dren, if you rob them of one of their play-games, will throw away the rest, and cry and scream ; so, if Fortune infest us only in one part, we grow fearful and abandon ourselves wholly to her attacks. 9. But somebody Avill object to me. What is it that Ave have ? Hather, AVhat is it that Ave have not ? One is honorable, the other is master of a family ; this man hath a good Avife, the other a faithful friend.",
"RISTIPUS WAS NOT OF THIS NUMBER FOR HE KNEW EVEN TO THE NICENESS OF A GRAIN TO PUT PROSPEROUS AGAINST ADVERSE FORTUNE INTO THE SCALE THAT THE ONE MIGHT OUTWEIGH THE OTHER THEREFORE WHEN HE LOST THE NOBLE FARM HE ASKED ONE OF HIS DISSEMBLED FRIENDS WHO PRETENDED TO BE SORRY NOT ONLY WITH REGRET BUT IMPATIENCE FOR HIS MISHAP THOU HAST BUT ONE PIECE OF LAND BUT HAVE I NOT THREE FARMS YET REMAINING HE ASSENTING TO THE TRUTH OF IT WHY THEN SAITH HE SHOULD I NOT RATHER LAMENT YOUR MISFORTUNE SINCE IT IS THE RAVING ONLY OF A MADMAN TO BE CONCERNED AT WHAT IS LOST AND NOT RATHER REJOICE IN WHAT IS LEFT THUS AS CHILDREN IF YOU ROB THEM OF ONE OF THEIR PLAY GAMES WILL THROW AWAY THE REST AND CRY AND SCREAM SO IF FORTUNE INFEST US ONLY IN ONE PART WE GROW FEARFUL AND ABANDON OURSELVES WHOLLY TO HER ATTACKS BUT SOMEBODY WILL OBJECT TO ME WHAT IS IT THAT WE HAVE RATHER WHAT IS IT THAT WE HAVE NOT ONE IS HONOURABLE THE OTHER IS MASTER OF A FAMILY THIS MAN HATH A GOOD WIFE THE OTHER A FAITHFUL FRIEND"
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"It the luxurious liver doth infest. And robs the man of honor of his rest ; In stricter ties doth with the poor engage, With him grows old to a decrepit age.",
"IT THE LUXURIOUS LIVER DOTH INFEST AND ROBS THE MAN OF HONOUR OF HIS REST IN STRICTER TIES DOTH THE POOR ENGAGE WITH HIM GROWS OLD TO A DECREPIT AGE"
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"nd are not to be measured by the fewness or multitude of our actions, but by their beauty or turpitude ; since the omission of Avhat is good is no less troublesome than the commission of evil. 3. As for those who think there is one positive state of life, Avhich is always serene, — some fancying it to be of the husbandmen, others of those which are unmarried, and some of kings, — Menander clearly shows them their error in these verses : — I thouglit those men, my Plumia, always best, Who take no money up at interest; Who disenffaged from bushiess spend the day, And in complaints don't sigh tlie night away. Who, troubled, lamentable groans don't fetch. Thus breatliing out. All ! miserable wretch ! Those whom despairing thoughts don't waking keep, But witliout starlings sweetly take tlieir sleep. He goes on and observes to us, that the same lot of mis- fortune falls to the rich as well as the poor : — 1 These neighbors slender confines do divide, — Sorrow and human life are still allied.",
"QUIET DISPOSITION FOR THE TRANQUILLITY AND PERTURBATION OF THE MIND ARE NOT TO BE MEASURED BY THE FEWNESS OR MULTITUDE OF HER ACTIONS BUT BY THEIR BEAUTY OR TURPITUDE SINCE THE OMISSION OF WHAT IS GOOD IS NO LESS TROUBLESOME THAN THE COMMISSION OF EVIL AS FOR THOSE WHO THINK THERE IS ONE POSITIVE STATE OF LIFE WHICH IS ALWAYS SERENE SOME FANCYING IT TO BE OF HUSBANDMEN OTHERS OF THOSE WHO ARE UNMARRIED AND SOME OF KINGS MANANDER CLEARLY SHOWS THEM THEIR ERROR IN THESE VERSES I THOUGHT THOSE MEN MY FANIA ALWAYS BEST WHO TAKE NO MONEY UP AT INTEREST WHO DISENGAGE FROM BUSINESS SPEND THE DAY AND IN COMPLAINTS DON'T SIGH THE NIGHT AWAY WHO TROUBLED LAMENTABLE GROANS DON'T FETCH THUS BREATHING OUT AH MISERABLE WRETCH THOSE WHOM DESPAIRING THOUGHTS DON'T WAKING KEEP BUT WITHOUT STARTINGS SWEETLY TAKE THEIR SLEEP HE GOES ON AND OBSERVES TO US THAT THE SAME LOT OF MISFORTUNE FALLS TO THE RICH AS WELL AS THE POOR THESE NEIGHBOURS SLENDER CONFINES DO DIVIDE SORROW AND HUMAN LIFE ARE STILL ALLIED"
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large/7215/moralia1_1301_librivox_64kb_mp3/morals1_12_plutarch_64kb_46
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"But most men, as Arcesi laus observed, think they must be critics upon other men's poems, survey their pictures with a curious eye, and examine their statues with all the delicacy of sculpture, but in the meanwhile transiently pass over their own lives, though there be some things in them which will not only detain but please their consideration.",
"BUT MOST MEN AS ARCHICILUS OBSERVED THINK THEY MUST BE CRITICS UPON OTHER MEN'S POEMS SURVEY THEIR PICTURES WITH A CURIOUS EYE AND EXAMINE THEIR STATUES WITH ALL THE DELICACY OF SCULPTURE BUT IN THE MEANWHILE TRANSIENTLY PASS OVER THEIR OWN LIVES THOUGH THERE BE SOME THINGS IN THEM WHICH WILL NOT ONLY DETAIN BUT PLEASE THEIR CONSIDERATION"
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"as of them when they are absent ; if λΥβ often call to our remembrance how solicitous the sick man is after health, how acceptable peace is to put out a war, and what a courtesy it Λνΐΐΐ do us to gain credit and acquire friends in a city of note, where we are strangers and unknown ; and contrariwise, how great a grief it is to forego these thino^s when we once have them. For surely a thing does not become great and precious when we huxe lost it, wdiile it is of no account so long as we possess it; for the value of a thing cannot be increased by its loss. But we ought not to take pains to acquire things as being of great value, and to be in fear and trembling lest Λνβ may lose them, as if they were precious, and then all the time they are safe in our possession, to neglect them as if they were of no importance. But we are so to use them that we may reap satisfaction and gain a solid pleasui-e from them, that so Λve may be the better enabled to endure their loss Avith evenness of temper.",
"NT IF WE FORM SOME IDEAS OF THEM WHEN THEY ARE ABSENT IF WE OFTEN CALL TO OUR REMEMBRANCE HOW SOLICITOUS THE SICK MAN IS AFTER HEALTH HOW ACCEPTABLE PEACE IS TO PUT OUT A WAR AND WHAT A COURTESY IT WILL DO TO US TO GAIN CREDIT AND ACQUIRE FRIENDS IN A STATE OF NOTE WHERE WE ARE STRANGERS AND UNKNOWN AND CONTRARIWISE HOW GREAT A GRIEF IT IS TO FOREGO THESE THINGS WHEN WE ONCE HAVE THEM FOR SURELY A THING DOES NOT BECOME GREAT AND PRECIOUS WHEN WE HAVE LOST IT WHILE IT IS OF NO ACCOUNT SO LONG AS WE POSSESS IT FOR THE VALUE OF A THING CANNOT BE INCREASED BY ITS LOSS BUT WE OUGHT NOT TO TAKE PAINS TO ACQUIRE THINGS AS BEING OF GREAT VALUE AND TO BE IN FEAR AND TREMBLING LEST WE MAY LOSE THEM AS IF THEY WERE PRECIOUS AND THEN ALL THE TIME THEY ARE SAFE IN OUR POSSESSION TO NEGLECT THEM AS IF THEY WERE OF NO IMPORTANCE BUT WE ARE SO USED TO THEM THAT WE MAY REAP SATISFACTION AND GAIN A SOLID PLEASURE FROM THEM THAT SO WE MAY BE THE BETTER ENABLED TO ENDURE THEIR LOSS WITH EVENNESS OF TEMPER"
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