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"Intently he listened for any sound from the nether world, but all was as silent below as above; the house under the ground seemed to be but one more empty tenement in the void. Was that boy asleep, or did he stand waiting at the foot of Slightly's tree, with his dagger in his hand?",
"INTENTLY HE LISTENED FOR ANY SOUND FROM THE NETHER WORLD BUT ALL WAS AS SILENT BELOW AS ABOVE THE HOUSE UNDER THE GROUND SEEMED TO BE BUT ONE MORE EMPTY TENEMENT IN THE VOID WAS THAT BOY ASLEEP OR DID HE STAND WAITING AT THE FOOT OF SLIGHTLY'S TREE WITH HIS DAGGER IN HIS HAND"
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"cated that the little house must be used as a conveyance. The children were flung into it, four stout pirates raised it on their shoulders, the others fell in behind, and singing the hateful pirate chorus the strange procession set off through the wood. I don't know whether any of the children were crying; if so, the singing drowned the sound; but as the little house disappeared in the forest, a brave though tiny jet of smoke issued from its chimney as if defying Hook. Hook saw it, and it did Peter a bad service. It dried up any trickle of pity for him that may have remained in the pirate's infuriated breast. The first thing he did on finding himself alone in the fast falling night was to tiptoe to Slightly's tree, and make sure that it provided him with a passage. Then for long he remained brooding; his hat of ill omen on the sward, so that a gentle breeze which had arisen might play refreshingly through his hair. Dark as were his thoughts his blue eyes were as soft as the periwinkle.",
"FICULTIES HE INDICATED THAT THE LITTLE HOUSE MUST BE USED AS A CONVEYANCE THE CHILDREN WERE FLUNG INTO IT FOUR STOUT PIRATES RAISED IT ON THEIR SHOULDERS THE OTHERS FELL IN BEHIND AND SINGING THE HATEFUL PIRATE CHORUS THE STRANGE PROCESSION SET OFF THROUGH THE WOOD I DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANY OF THE CHILDREN WERE CRYING IF SO THE SINGING DROWNED THE SOUND BUT AS THE LITTLE HOUSE DISAPPEARED IN THE FOREST A BRAVE THOUGH TINY JET OF SMOKE ISSUED FROM ITS CHIMNEY AS IF DEFYING HOOK HOOK SAW IT AND IT DID PETER A BAD SURFACE IT DRIED UP A TRICKLE OF PITY FOR HIM THAT MAY HAVE REMAINED IN THE PIRATE'S INFURIATED BREAST THE FIRST THING HE DID ON FINDING HIMSELF ALONE IN THE FAST FALLING NIGHT WAS TO TIPTOE TO SLIGHTLY STREAM AND MAKE SURE THAT IT PROVIDED HIM WITH THE PASSAGE THEN FOR LONG HE REMAINED BROODING HIS HAT OF ILL OMEN ON THE SWARD SO THAT THE GENTLE BREEZE WHICH HAD ARISEN MIGHT PLAY REFRESHINGLY THROUGH HIS HAIR DARK AS WERE HIS THOUGHTS HIS BLUE EYES WERE AS SOFT AS THE PERIWINKLE"
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"ed piteously in them. They had to do, I think, with the riddle of his existence. At such times it had been Wendy's custom to take him out of bed and sit with him on her lap, soothing him in dear ways of her own invention, and when he grew calmer to put him back to bed before he quite woke up, so that he should not know of the indignity to which she had subjected him. But on this occasion he had fallen at once into a dreamless sleep. One arm dropped over the edge of the bed, one leg was arched, and the unfinished part of his laugh was stranded on his mouth, which was open, showing the little pearls. Thus defenceless Hook found him. He stood silent at the foot of the tree looking across the chamber at his enemy. Did no feeling of compassion disturb his sombre breast? The man was not wholly evil; he loved flowers (I have been told) and sweet music (he was himself no mean performer on the harpsichord); and, let it be frankly admitted, the idyllic nature of the scene stirred him profoundly.",
"THESE DREAMS THOUGH HE WAILED PITEOUSLY IN THEM THEY HAD TO DO I THINK WITH THE RIDDLE OF HIS EXISTENCE AT SUCH TIMES IT HAD BEEN WENDY'S CUSTOM TO TAKE HIM OUT OF BED AND SIT WITH HIM ON HER LAP SOOTHING HIM IN DEAR WAYS OF HER OWN INVENTION AND WHEN HE GREW CALMER TO PUT HIM BACK TO BED BEFORE HE QUITE WOKE UP SO THAT HE SHOULD NOT KNOW OF THE INDIGNITY TO WHICH HE HAD SUBJECTED HIM BUT ON THIS OCCASION HE HAD FALLEN AT ONCE INTO A DREAMLESS SLEEP ONE ARM DROPPED OVER THE EDGE OF THE BED ONE LEG WAS ARCHED AND THE UNFINISHED PART OF HIS LAUGH WAS STRANDED ON HIS MOUTH WHICH WAS OPEN SHOWING THE LITTLE PEARLS THUS DEFENCELESS HOOK FOUND HIM HE STOOD SILENT AT THE FOOT OF THE TREE LOOKING ACROSS THE CHAMBER AT HIS ENEMY DID NO FEELING OF COMPASSION DISTURB HIS SOMBRE BREAST THE MAN WAS NOT WHOLLY EVIL HE LOVED FLOWERS I HAVE BEEN TOLD AND SWEET MUSIC HE WAS HIMSELF NO MEAN PERFORMER OF THE HARPSICHORD AND LET IT BE FRANKLY ADMITTED THE IDYLLIC NATURE OF THE SCENE STIRRED HIM PROFOUNDLY"
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"The pirates kicked him in their rage, just as you kick the parcel (though in fairness you should kick the string); and strange to say it was Hook who told them to belay their violence.",
"THE PIRATES KICKED HIM IN THEIR RAGE JUST AS YOU KICKED THE PARCEL THOUGH IN FANS YOU SHOULD KICK THE STRING AND STRANGE TO SAY IT WAS HOOK WHO TAUGHT THEM TO BELAY THEIR VIOLENCE"
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" an air, he was so frightfully _distingué_, that she was too fascinated to cry out. She was only a little girl. Perhaps it is tell-tale to divulge that for a moment Hook entranced her, and we tell on her only because her slip led to strange results. Had she haughtily unhanded him (and we should have loved to write it of her), she would have been hurled through the air like the others, and then Hook would probably not have been present at the tying of the children; and had he not been at the tying he would not have discovered Slightly's secret, and without the secret he could not presently have made his foul attempt on Peter's life. They were tied to prevent their flying away, doubled up with their knees close to their ears; and for the trussing of them the black pirate had cut a rope into nine equal pieces. All went well until Slightly's turn came, when he was found to be like those irritating parcels that use up all the string in going round and leave no tags with which to tie a knot.",
"GED HE DID IT WITH SUCH AN AIR HE WAS SO FRIGHTFULLY DISTING THAT SHE WAS TOO FASCINATED TO CRY OUT SHE WAS ONLY A LITTLE GIRL PERHAPS IT IS TELL TALE TO DIVULGE YET FOR A MOMENT HOOK ENTRANCED HER AND WE TELL ON HER ONLY BECAUSE HER SLIP LED TO STRANGE RESULTS HAD SHE HAUGHTILY UNHANDED HIM AND WE SHOULD HAVE LOVED TO WRITE IT OF HER SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN HURLED THROUGH THE AIR LIKE THE OTHERS AND THEN HOOK WOULD PROBABLY NOT HAVE BEEN PRESENT AT THE TYING OF THE CHILDREN AND HAD HE NOT BEEN AT THE TYING HE WOULD NOT HAVE DISCOVERED SLIGHTLY'S SECRET AND WITHOUT THE SECRET HE COULD NOT PRESENTLY HAVE MADE HIS FOUL ATTEMPT ON PETER'S LIFE THEY WERE TIED TO PREVENT THEIR FLYING AWAY DOUBLED UP WITH THEIR KNEES CLOSE TO THEIR EARS AND FOR THE TRUSSING OF THEM THE BLACK PIRATE HAD CUT A ROPE INTO NINE EQUAL PIECES ALL WENT WELL UNTIL SLIGHTLY'S TURN CAME WHEN HE WAS FOUND TO BE LIKE THOSE IRRITATING PARCELS THAT USE UP ALL THE STRING IN GOING ROUND AND LEAVE NO TAGS WITH WHICH TO TIE A KNOT"
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"First her voice grew strong; then she popped out of bed; then she was flashing through the room more merry and impudent than ever.",
"FIRST HER VOICE GREW STRONG THEN SHE POPPED OUT OF BED THEN SHE WAS FLASHING THROUGH THE ROOM MORE MERRY AND IMPUDENT THAN EVER"
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" out her beautiful finger and let them run over it. Her voice was so low that at first he could not make out what she said. Then he made it out. She was saying that she thought she could get well again if children believed in fairies. Peter flung out his arms. There were no children there, and it was night-time; but he addressed all who might be dreaming of the Neverland, and who were therefore nearer to him than you think: boys and girls in their nighties, and naked papooses in their baskets hung from trees. 'Do you believe?' he cried. Tink sat up in bed almost briskly to listen to her fate. She fancied she heard answers in the affirmative, and then again she wasn't sure. 'What do you think?' she asked Peter. 'If you believe,' he shouted to them, 'clap your hands; don't let Tink die.' Many clapped. Some didn't. A few little beasts hissed. The clapping stopped suddenly; as if countless mothers had rushed to their nurseries to see what on earth was happening; but already Tink was saved.",
"E SHE LIKED HIS TEARS SO MUCH THAT SHE PUT OUT HER BEAUTIFUL FINGER AND LET THEM RUN OVER IT HER VOICE WAS SO LOW THAT AT FIRST HE COULD NOT MAKE OUT WHAT SHE SAID THEN HE MADE IT OUT SHE SAID THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD GET WELL AGAIN IF CHILDREN BELIEVED IN FAIRIES PETER FLUNG OUT HIS ARMS THERE WERE NO CHILDREN THERE AND IT WAS NIGHT TIME BUT HE ADDRESSED ALL WHO MIGHT BE DREAMING OF THE NEVERLAND AND WHO WERE THEREFORE NEARER TO HIM THAN YOU THINK BOYS AND GIRLS IN THEIR NIGHTIES AND NAKED PAPOOSES IN THEIR BASKETS HUNG FROM TREES DO YOU BELIEVE HE CRIED TINK SAT UP IN BED ALMOST BRISKLY TO LISTEN TO HER FATE SHE FANCIED SHE HEARD ANSWERS IN THE AFFIRMATIVE AND THEN AGAIN SHE WASN'T SURE WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE ASKED PETER IF YOU BELIEVE HE SHOUTED TO THEM CLAP YOUR HANDS DON'T LET TING DIE MANY CLAPPED SOME DIDN'T A FEW LITTLE BEASTS HISSED THE CLAPPING STOPPED SUDDENLY AS IF COUNTLESS MOTHERS HAD RUSHED TO THEIR NURSERIES TO SEE WHAT ON EARTH WAS HAPPENING BUT ALREADY TINK WAS SAVED"
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"She liked his tears so much that she put out her beautiful finger and let them run over it. Her voice was so low that at first he could not make out what she said. Then he made it out.",
"SHE LIKED HIS TEARS SO MUCH THAT SHE PUT OUT HER BEAUTIFUL FINGER AND LET THEM RUN OVER IT HER VOICE WAS SO LOW THAT AT FIRST HE COULD NOT MAKE OUT WHAT SHE SAID THEN HE MADE IT OUT"
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" left no room for doubt. The cup was poisoned. 'Besides,' said Peter, quite believing himself, 'I never fell asleep.' He raised the cup. No time for words now; time for deeds; and with one of her lightning movements Tink got between his lips and the draught, and drained it to the dregs. 'Why, Tink, how dare you drink my medicine?' But she did not answer. Already she was reeling in the air. 'What is the matter with you?' cried Peter, suddenly afraid. 'It was poisoned, Peter,' she told him softly; 'and now I am going to be dead.' 'O Tink, did you drink it to save me?' 'Yes.' 'But why, Tink?' Her wings would scarcely carry her now, but in reply she alighted on his shoulder and gave his chin a loving bite. She whispered in his ear 'You silly ass'; and then, tottering to her chamber, lay down on the bed. His head almost filled the fourth wall of her little room as he knelt near her in distress. Every moment her light was growing fainter; and he knew that if it went out she would be no more.",
"ARK SECRET OF SLIGHTLY'S TREE NEVERTHELESS HOOK'S WORDS HAD LEFT NO ROOM FOR DOUBT THE CUP WAS POISONED BESIDES SAID PETER QUITE BELIEVING HIMSELF I NEVER FELL ASLEEP HE RAISED THE CUP NO TIME FOR WORDS NOW TIME FOR DEEDS AND WITH ONE OF HER LIGHTNING MOVEMENTS TIN GOT BETWEEN HIS LIPS AND THE DRAUGHT AND DRAINED IT TO THE DREGS WHITING HOW DARE YOU DRINK MY MEDICINE BUT SHE DID NOT ANSWER ALREADY SHE WAS REELING IN THE AIR WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU CRIED PETER SUDDENLY AFRAID IT WAS POISON TO PETER SHE TOLD HIM SOFTLY AND NOW I AM GOING TO BE DEAD OH TINK DID YOU DRINK IT TO SAVE ME YES BUT WHY TINK HER WINGS WOULD SCARCELY CARRY HER NOW BUT IN REPLY SHE ALIGHTED ON HIS SHOULDER AND GAVE HIS CHIN A LOVING BITE SHE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR YOU SILLY ASS AND THEN TOTTERING TO HER CHAMBER LAY DOWN ON THE BED HIS HEAD ALMOST FILLED THE FOURTH WALL OF HER LITTLE ROOM AS HE KNELT NEARER IN DISTRESS EVERY MOMENT HER LIGHT WAS GROWING FAINTER AND HE KNEW THAT IF IT WENT OUT SHE WOULD BE NO MORE"
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"f he would have returned reluctantly up the tree, but for one thing. What stayed him was Peter's impertinent appearance as he slept. The open mouth, the drooping arm, the arched knee: they were such a personification of cockiness as, taken together, will never again one may hope be presented to eyes so sensitive to their offensiveness. They steeled Hook's heart. If his rage had broken him into a hundred pieces every one of them would have disregarded the incident, and leapt at the sleeper. Though a light from the one lamp shone dimly on the bed Hook stood in darkness himself, and at the first stealthy step forward he discovered an obstacle, the door of Slightly's tree. It did not entirely fill the aperture, and he had been looking over it. Feeling for the catch, he found to his fury that it was low down, beyond his reach. To his disordered brain it seemed then that the irritating quality in Peter's face and figure visibly increased, and he rattled the door and flung himself against it.",
"RED BY HIS BETTER SELF HE WOULD HAVE RETURNED RELUCTANTLY UP THE TREE BUT FOR ONE THING WHAT STAYED HIM WAS PETER'S IMPERTINENT APPEARANCE AS HE SLEPT THE OPEN MOUTH THE DROOPING ARM THE ARCHED KNEE THEY WERE SUCH A PERSONIFICATION OF COCKINESS AS TAKEN TOGETHER WHILE NEVER AGAIN ONE MAY HOPE BE PRESENTED TO EYES SO SENSITIVE TO THEIR OFFENSIVENESS THEY STEALED HOOK'S HEART IF HIS RAGE HAD BROKEN HIM INTO A HUNDRED PIECES EVERY ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE DISREGARDED THE INCIDENT AND LEAPT AT THE SLEEPER THOUGH A LIGHT FROM THE ONE LAMP SHONE DIMLY ON THE BED HOOK STOOD IN DARKNESS HIMSELF AND AT THE FIRST STEALTHY STEP FORWARD HE DISCOVERED AN OBSTACLE THE DOOR OF SLIGHTLY STREAM IT DID NOT ENTIRELY FILL THE APERTURE AND HE HAD BEEN LOOKING OVER IT FEELING FOR THE CATCH HE FOUND TO HIS FURY THAT IT WAS LOW DOWN BEYOND HIS REACH TO HIS DISORDERED BRAIN IT SEEMED THEN THAT THE IRRITATING QUALITY IN PETER'S FACE AND FIGURE VISIBLY INCREASED AND HE RATTLED THE DOOR AND FLUNG HIMSELF AGAINST IT"
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"There was no other course but to press forward in redskin fashion, at which happily he was an adept. But in what direction, for he could not be sure that the children had been taken to the ship?",
"THERE WAS NO OTHER CAUSE THAN TO PRESS FORWARD IN REDSKIN FASHION AT WHICH HAPPILY HE WAS AN ADEPT BUT IN WHAT DIRECTION FOR HE COULD NOT BE SURE THAT THE CHILDREN HAD BEEN TAKEN TO THE SHIP"
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"uddenly; as if countless mothers had rushed to their nurseries to see what on earth was happening; but already Tink was saved. First her voice grew strong; then she popped out of bed; then she was flashing through the room more merry and impudent than ever. She never thought of thanking those who believed, but she would have liked to get at the ones who had hissed. 'And now to rescue Wendy.' The moon was riding in a cloudy heaven when Peter rose from his tree, begirt with weapons and wearing little else, to set out upon his perilous quest. It was not such a night as he would have chosen. He had hoped to fly, keeping not far from the ground so that nothing unwonted should escape his eyes; but in that fitful light to have flown low would have meant trailing his shadow through the trees, thus disturbing the birds and acquainting a watchful foe that he was astir. He regretted now that he had given the birds of the island such strange names that they are very wild and difficult of approach.",
" CLAPPING STOPPED SUDDENLY AS IF COUNTLESS MOTHERS HAD RUSHED TO THEIR NURSERIES TO SEE WHAT ON EARTH WAS HAPPENING BUT ALREADY TINK WAS SAVED FIRST HER VOICE GREW STRONG THEN SHE POPPED OUT OF BED THEN SHE WAS FLASHING THROUGH THE ROOM MORE MERRY AND IMPUDENT THAN EVER SHE NEVER THOUGHT OF THANKING THOSE WHO BELIEVED BUT SHE WOULD HAVE LIKED TO GET AT THE ONES WHO HAD HISSED AND NOW TO RESCUE WENDY THE MOON WAS RIDING IN A CLOUDY HEAVEN WHEN PETER ROSE FROM HIS TREE BEGIRT WITH WEAPONS AND WEARING LITTLE ELSE TO SET OUT UPON HIS PERILOUS QUEST IT WAS NOT SUCH A NIGHT THAT HE WOULD HAVE CHOSEN HE HAD HOPED TO FLY KEEPING NOT FAR FROM THE GROUND SO THAT NOTHING UNWONTED SHOULD ESCAPE HIS EYES BUT IN THAT FITFUL LIGHT TO HAVE FLOWN LOW WOULD HAVE MEANT TRAILING HIS SHADOW THROUGH THE TREES THUS DISTURBING THE BIRDS AND EQUATING THE WATCHFUL FOE THAT HE WAS ASTIR HE REGRETTED NOW THAT HE HAD GIVEN THE BIRDS OF THE ISLAND SUCH STRANGE NAMES THAT THEY ARE VERY WILD AND DIFFICULT OF APPROACH"
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"After the burial of the bones, and you are gone, I will sleep for a week in the bed in the gallery, and report to you if I see or hear anything.",
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"nything about it but for the vague tradition which always attaches to such events, and for this fact: that after my grandfather's death a letter came addressed to him from somewhere in the United States from someone--the name different from that of the keeper--but alluding to the past, and implying the presence of a common secret, and, of course, with it came a request for money. I replied, mentioning the death of Sir Richard, and asking for an explanation. I did get an answer, and it is from that that I am able to fill in so much of the story. But I never learned _where_ the man had been killed and buried, and my next letter to the fellow was returned with 'Deceased' written across it. Somehow, it never occurred to me till I heard your story that possibly the skeleton in the chalk-pit might be that of the poaching tinker. I will now most assuredly have it buried in the churchyard.\" \"That certainly ought to be done,\" said I. \"And--\" said Sir Francis, after a pause, \"I give you my word.",
" SHOULD PROBABLY NEVER HAVE KNOWN ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT FOR THE VAGUE TRADITION WHICH ALWAYS ATTACHES TO SUCH EVENTS AND FOR THIS FACT THAT AFTER MY GRANDFATHER'S DEATH A LETTER CAME ADDRESSED TO HIM FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES FROM SOME ONE THE NAME DIFFERENT FROM THAT OF THE KEEPER BUT ALLUDING TO THE PAST AND IMPLYING THE PRESENCE OF A COMMON SECRET AND OF COURSE WITH IT CAME A REQUEST FOR MONEY I REPLIED MENTIONING THE DEATH OF SIR RICHARD AND ASKING FOR AN EXPLANATION I DID GET AN ANSWER AND IT IS FROM THAT THAT I AM ABLE TO FILL IN SO MUCH OF THE STORY BUT I NEVER LEARNED WHERE THE MAN HAD BEEN KILLED AND BURIED AND MY NEXT LETTER TO THE FELLOW WAS RETURNED WITH DECEASED WRITTEN ACROSS IT SOMEHOW IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME TILL I HEARD YOUR STORY THAT POSSIBLY THE SKELETON IN THE CHALK PIT MIGHT BE THAT OF THE POACHING TINKER I WILL NOW MOST ASSUREDLY HAVE IT BURIED IN THE CHURCHYARD THAT CERTAINLY OUGHT TO BE DONE SAID I AND SAID SIR FRANCIS AFTER A PAUSE I GIVE YOU MY WORD"
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"I HAD ALWAYS BEEN A LIGHT SLEEPER BUT ON THE PRESENT OCCASION I WOKE AT ONCE TO COMPLETE AND ACUTE CONSCIOUSNESS AND WITH A SENSE OF STRETCHED ATTENTION WHICH SEEMED TO INTENSIFY ALL MY FACULTIES THE WIND HAD RISEN AND WAS BLOWING IN FITFUL GUSTS AROUND THE HOUSE"
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"as necessarily a good deal occupied in the evening with his sister and her husband, whom he had not seen for some time. Colonel Hampshire had also just heard that he was likely to be ordered to Egypt, and when Lynton and he retired to the smoking-room, instead of going there I went upstairs to my own room to finish a book in which I was interested. I did not, however, sit up long, and very soon went to bed. Before doing so, I drew back the curtains on the rod, partly because I like plenty of air where I sleep, and partly also because I thought I might like to see the play of the moonlight on the floor in the portion of the gallery beyond where I lay, and where the blinds had not been drawn. I must have been asleep for some time, for the fire, which I had left in full blaze, was gone to a few sparks wandering among the ashes, when I suddenly awoke with the impression of having heard a latch click at the further extremity of the gallery, where was the chamber containing books and papers.",
"TED IT SIR FRANCIS WAS NECESSARILY A GOOD DEAL OCCUPIED IN THE EVENING WITH HIS SISTER AND HER HUSBAND WHOM HE HAD NOT SEEN FOR SOME TIME COLONEL HAMPSHIRE HAD ALSO JUST HEARD THAT HE WAS LIKELY TO BE ORDERED TO EGYPT AND WHEN LYNTON AND HE RETIRED TO THE SMOKING ROOM INSTEAD OF GOING THERE I WENT UPSTAIRS TO MY OWN ROOM TO FINISH A BOOK IN WHICH I WAS INTERESTED I DID NOT HOWEVER SIT UP LONG AND VERY SOON WENT TO BED BEFORE DOING SO I DREW BACK THE CURTAINS ON THE ROD PARTLY BECAUSE I LIKE PLENTY OF AIR WHERE I SLEEP AND PARTLY ALSO BECAUSE I THOUGHT I MIGHT LIKE TO SEE THE PLAY OF THE MOONLIGHT ON THE FLOOR IN THE PORTION OF THE GALLERY BEYOND WHERE I LAY AND WHERE THE BLINDS HAD NOT BEEN DRAWN I MUST HAVE BEEN ASLEEP FOR SOME TIME FOR THE FIRE WHICH I HAD LEFT IN FULL BLAZE WAS GONE TO A FEW SPARKS WANDERING AMONG THE ASHES WHEN I SUDDENLY AWOKE WITH THE IMPRESSION OF HAVING HEARD A LATCH CLICK AT THE FURTHER EXTREMITY OF THE GALLERY WHERE WAS THE CHAMBER CONTAINING BOOKS AND PAPERS"
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"g which my hair bristled on my head, as in the horror of the darkness I prepared to grapple with the being at my side; when a board creaked as if someone had moved, and I heard the footsteps retreat, and again the click of the latch. The next instant there was a rush on the stairs and Lynton burst into the room, just as he had sprung out of bed, crying: \"For God's sake, what is the matter? Are you ill?\" I could not answer. Lynton struck a light and leant over the bed. Then I seized him by the arm, and said without moving: \"There has been something in this room--gone in thither.\" The words were hardly out of my mouth when Lynton, following the direction of my eyes, had sprung to the end of the corridor and thrown open the door there. He went into the room beyond, looked round it, returned, and said: \"You must have been dreaming.\" By this time I was out of bed. \"Look for yourself,\" said he, and he led me into the little room. It was bare, with cupboards and boxes, a sort of lumber-place.",
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"I THEN WENT TO MY OWN ROOM LEFT THE CANDLE BURNING AND GOT INTO BED I HAD JUST FALLEN ASLEEP WHEN MY SERVANT BROUGHT ME A CUP OF TEA AT EIGHT O'CLOCK AT BREAKFAST COLONEL HAMPSHIRE AND HIS WIFE ASKED IF ANYTHING HAD HAPPENED IN THE NIGHT AS THEY HAD BEEN MUCH DISTURBED BY NOISES OVERHEAD TO WHICH LYNTON REPLIED THAT I HAD NOT BEEN VERY WELL AND HAD AN ATTACK OF CRAMP AND THAT HE HAD BEEN UPSTAIRS TO LOOK AFTER ME FROM HIS MANNER I COULD SEE THAT HE WISHED ME TO BE SILENT AND I SAID NOTHING ACCORDINGLY"
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"and no one could come up the spiral staircase without passing my door. You must have had a nightmare. Directly you screamed I rushed up the steps, and met no one descending; and there is no place of concealment in the lumber-room at the end of the gallery.\" Then he took me into his private snuggery, blew up the fire, lighted a lamp, and said: \"I shall be really grateful if you will say nothing about this. There are some in the house and neighbourhood who are silly enough as it is. You stay here, and if you do not feel inclined to go to bed, read--here are books. I must go to Lady Lynton, who is a good deal frightened, and does not like to be left alone.\" He then went to his bedroom. Sleep, as far as I was concerned, was out of the question, nor do I think that Sir Francis or his wife slept much either. I made up the fire, and after a time took up a book, and tried to read, but it was useless. I sat absorbed in thoughts and questionings till I heard the servants stirring in the morning.",
"E'S APARTMENTS ARE CLOSE BELOW AND NO ONE COULD COME UP THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE WITHOUT PASSING MY DOOR YOU MUST HAVE HAD A NIGHTMARE DIRECTLY YOU SCREAMED I RUSHED UP THE STEPS AND MET NO ONE DESCENDING AND THERE IS NO PLACE OF CONCEALMENT IN THE LUMBER ROOM AT THE END OF THE GALLERY THEN HE TOOK ME INTO HIS PRIVATE SNUGGERY BLEW UP THE FIRE LIGHTED A LAMP AND SAID I SHALL BE REALLY GRATEFUL IF YOU WILL SAY NOTHING ABOUT THIS THERE ARE SOME IN THE HOUSE AND NEIGHBOURHOOD WHO ARE SILLY ENOUGH AS IT IS YOU STAY HERE AND IF YOU DO NOT FEEL INCLINED TO GO TO BED READ HERE ARE BOOKS I MUST GO TO LADY LYNTON WHO IS A GOOD DEAL FRIGHTENED AND DOES NOT LIKE TO BE LEFT ALONE HE THEN WENT TO HIS BEDROOM SLEEP AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED WAS OUT OF THE QUESTION NOR DO I THINK THAT SIR FRANCIS OR HIS WIFE SLEPT MUCH EITHER I MADE UP THE FIRE AND AFTER A TIME TOOK UP A BOOK AND TRIED TO READ BUT IT WAS USELESS I SAT ABSORBED IN THOUGHTS AND QUESTIONINGS TILL I HEARD THE SERVANTS STIRRING IN THE MORNING"
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" a pile of faggots, which had been collected for winter fuel. Fire was applied, and soon far down the valley the flames of the pyre startled people, and made them wonder what new horror was being enacted in the upper portion of the Vale of Shadows. Next day the charred bones were conveyed to a spot remote from the habitations of men, and were there buried. What Glámr had predicted came to pass. Never after did Grettir dare to be alone in the dark. COLONEL HALIFAX'S GHOST STORY I had just come back to England, after having been some years in India, and was looking forward to meet my friends, among whom there was none I was more anxious to see than Sir Francis Lynton. We had been at Eton together, and for the short time I had been at Oxford before entering the Army we had been at the same college. Then we had been parted. He came into the title and estates of the family in Yorkshire on the death of his grandfather--his father had predeceased--and I had been over a good part of the world.",
" THE BOOK OF GHOSTS BY SAVINE BEARING GOULD SECTION SIXTEEN THIS IS A LIBERVOX RECORDING ALL LIVERVOX RECORDINGS ARE IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN FOR MORE INFORMATION OR THE VOLUNTEER PLEASE VISIT LIVERCHE DOT ORGOL HALIFAX'S GHOST STORY I HAD JUST COME BACK TO ENGLAND AFTER HAVING BEEN SOME YEARS IN INDIA AND WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MEET MY FRIENDS AMONG WHOM THERE WAS NONE I WAS MORE ANXIOUS TO SEE THAN SIR FRANCIS LYNTON WE HAD BEEN AT ETON TOGETHER AND FOR THE SHORT TIME I HAD BEEN AT OXFORD BEFORE ENTERING THE ARMY WE HAD BEEN AT THE SAME COLLEGE THEN WE HAD BEEN PARTED HE CAME INTO THE TITLE AND ESTATES OF THE FAMILY IN YORKSHIRE ON THE DEATH OF HIS GRANDFATHER HIS FATHER HAD PREDECEASED AND I HAD BEEN OVER A GOOD PART OF THE WORLD"
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"d the outline of the face was in silhouette; then it moved on, and as it moved I again heard the tread. I was as certain as I could be that the thing, whatever it was, or the person, whoever he was, was approaching my bed. I threw myself back in the bed, and as I did so a mass of charred wood on the hearth fell down and sent up a flash of--I fancy sparks, that gave out a glare in the darkness, and by that--red as blood--I saw a face near me. With a cry, over which I had as little control as the scream uttered by a sleeper in the agony of a nightmare, I called: \"Who are you?\" There was an instant during which my hair bristled on my head, as in the horror of the darkness I prepared to grapple with the being at my side; when a board creaked as if someone had moved, and I heard the footsteps retreat, and again the click of the latch. The next instant there was a rush on the stairs and Lynton burst into the room, just as he had sprung out of bed, crying: \"For God's sake, what is the matter?",
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"no more scientific use for them, but I did not--on my word, I forgot all about them, or, at least, gave no heed to them. However, what you have gone through, and have described to me, has made me uneasy, and has also given me a suspicion that I can account for that body in a manner that had never occurred to me before.\" After a pause, he added: \"What I am going to tell you is known to no one else, and must not be mentioned by you--anyhow, in my lifetime, You know now that, owing to the death of my father when quite young, I and my brother and sister were brought up here with our grandfather, Sir Richard. He was an old, imperious, short-tempered man. I will tell you what I have made out of a matter that was a mystery for long, and I will tell you afterwards how I came to unravel it. My grandfather was in the habit of going out at night with a young under-keeper, of whom he was very fond, to look after the game and see if any poachers, whom he regarded as his natural enemies, were about.",
" OUGHT TO HAVE BURIED THEM HAVING NO MORE SCIENTIFIC USE FOR THEM BUT I DID NOT ON MY WORD I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM OR AT LEAST GAVE NO HEED TO THEM HOWEVER WHAT YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH AND HAVE DESCRIBED TO ME HAS MADE ME UNEASY AND HAS ALSO GIVEN ME A SUSPICION THAT I CAN ACCOUNT FOR THAT BODY IN A MANNER THAT HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE AFTER A PAUSE HE ADDED WHAT I AM GOING TO TELL YOU IS KNOWN TO NO ONE ELSE AND MUST NOT BE MENTIONED BY YOU ANYHOW IN MY LIFETIME YOU KNOW NOW THAT OWING TO THE DEATH OF MY FATHER WHEN QUITE YOUNG I AND MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE BROUGHT UP HERE WITH OUR GRANDFATHER SIR RICHARD HE WAS AN OLD IMPERIOUS SHORT TEMPERED MAN I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I HAVE MADE OUT OF A MATTER THAT WAS A MYSTERY FOR LONG AND I WILL TELL YOU AFTERWARDS HOW I CAME TO UNRAVEL IT MY GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE HABIT OF GOING OUT AT NIGHT WITH A YOUNG UNDER KEEPER OF WHOM HE WAS VERY FOND TO LOOK AFTER THE GAME AND SEE IF ANY POACHERS WHOM HE REGARDED AS HIS NATURAL ENEMIES WERE ABOUT"
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"HE WAS APPARENTLY DISPOSED TO SAY MORE WHEN HIS BROTHER INTERRUPTED HIM SOMEWHAT CURTLY AS I FANCIED AND ASKED ME IF I SHOULD FEEL INCLINED AFTER BREAKFAST TO HAVE A HORSE AND GO OUT AND LOOK FOR THE HOUNDS THEY MET A CONSIDERABLE WAY OFF BUT IF THEY DID NOT FIND IN THE COVERTS THEY SHOULD FIRST DRAW A THING NOT IMPROBABLE THEY WOULD COME OUR WAY AND WE MIGHT FALL IN WITH THEM ABOUT ONE O'CLOCK AND HAVE A RUN"
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"avy, measured tread which I could hear getting gradually louder and nearer, and then as gradually fading away as it retreated into the distance. I was startled for a moment, having been informed that the gallery was unused; but the next instant it occurred to me that I had been told it communicated with a chamber where Sir Francis kept books and papers. I knew he had some writing to do, and I thought no more on the matter. I was down the next morning at breakfast in good time. \"How late you were last night!\" I said to Lynton, in the middle of breakfast. \"I heard you overhead after one o'clock.\" Lynton replied rather shortly, \"Indeed you did not, for I was in bed last night before twelve.\" \"There was someone certainly moving overhead last night,\" I answered, \"for I heard his steps as distinctly as I ever heard anything in my life, going down the gallery.\" Upon which Colonel Lynton remarked that he had often fancied he had heard steps on his staircase, when he knew that no one was about.",
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"at in the hall closet and counted up her parcels, that she had one too many. Then she opened it and exclaimed: ŌĆ£Why, itŌĆÖs a box of candy! Someone must have mislaid it. But it is too small a matter to worry about; there are only a few pieces.ŌĆØ So she dumped the contents of the box into a bonbon dish that stood upon the hall table and picking out the chocolate pieceŌĆöshe was fond of chocolatesŌĆöate it daintily while she examined her purchases. These were not many, for Bessie was only twelve years old and was not yet trusted by her parents to expend much money at the stores. But while she tried on the hair ribbon she suddenly felt a great desire to play upon the piano, and the desire at last became so overpowering that she went into the parlor and opened the instrument. The little girl had, with infinite pains, contrived to learn two ŌĆ£piecesŌĆØ which she usually executed with a jerky movement of her right hand and a left hand that forgot to keep up and so made dreadful discords.",
" UNTIL AFTER SHE HAD HUNG HER COAT IN THE HALL CLOSET AND COUNTED UP HER PARCELS THAT SHE HAD WON TOO MANY THEN SHE OPENED IT AND EXCLAIMED WHY IT'S A BOX OF CANDY SOME ONE MUST HAVE MISLAID IT BUT IT IS TOO SMALL A MATTER TO WORRY ABOUT THERE ARE ONLY A FEW PIECES SO SHE DUMPED THE CONTENTS OF THE BOX INTO A BONBON DISH THAT STOOD UPON THE HALL TABLE AND PICKING OUT THE CHOCOLATE PIECE SHE WAS FOND OF CHOCOLATES ATE IT DAINTILY WHILE SHE EXAMINED HER PURCHASES THESE WERE NOT MANY FOR BESSIE WAS ONLY TWELVE YEARS OLD AND WAS NOT YET TRUSTED BY HER PARENTS TO EXPEND MUCH MONEY AT THE STORES BUT WHILE SHE TRIED ON THE HAIR RIBBONS SHE SUDDENLY FELT A GREAT DESIRE TO PLAY UPON THE PIANO AND THE DESIRE AT LAST BECAME SO OVERPOWERING THAT SHE WENT INTO THE PARLOR AND OPENED THE INSTRUMENT THE LITTLE GIRL HAD WITH INFINITE PAINS CONTRIVED TO LEARN TWO PIECES WHICH SHE USUALLY EXECUTED WITH A JERKY MOVEMENT OF HER RIGHT HAND AND A LEFT HAND THAT FORGOT TO KEEP UP AND SO MADE DREADFUL DISCORDS"
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"ash in pieces upon the crown of the professorŌĆÖs bald head. At this atrocious act the senator rose from his seat with an exclamation of horror and glanced at his hostess. For some time Mrs. Bostwick had been staring straight ahead, with a dazed expression; but now, catching the senatorŌĆÖs eye, she bowed gracefully and began reciting ŌĆ£The Charge of the Light BrigadeŌĆØ in forceful tones. The senator shuddered. Such disgraceful rioting he had never seen nor heard before in a decent private family. He felt that his reputation was at stake, and, being the only sane person, apparently, in the room, there was no one to whom he might appeal. The maid had run away to cry hysterically in the kitchen; Mr. Bostwick was singing ŌĆ£O Promise Me;ŌĆØ the professor was trying to kick the globes off the chandelier; Mrs. Bostwick had switched her recitation to ŌĆ£The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck,ŌĆØ and Bessie had stolen into the parlor and was pounding out the overture from the ŌĆ£Flying Dutchman.",
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"atter to worry about; there are only a few pieces.ŌĆØ So she dumped the contents of the box into a bonbon dish that stood upon the hall table and picking out the chocolate pieceŌĆöshe was fond of chocolatesŌĆöate it daintily while she examined her purchases. These were not many, for Bessie was only twelve years old and was not yet trusted by her parents to expend much money at the stores. But while she tried on the hair ribbon she suddenly felt a great desire to play upon the piano, and the desire at last became so overpowering that she went into the parlor and opened the instrument. The little girl had, with infinite pains, contrived to learn two ŌĆ£piecesŌĆØ which she usually executed with a jerky movement of her right hand and a left hand that forgot to keep up and so made dreadful discords. But under the influence of the chocolate bonbon she sat down and ran her fingers lightly over the keys producing such exquisite harmony that she was filled with amazement at her own performance.",
"BUT IT IS TOO SMALL A MATTER TO WORRY ABOUT THERE ARE ONLY A FEW PIECES SO SHE DUMPED THE CONTENTS OF THE BOX INTO A BONBON DISH THAT STOOD UPON THE HALL TABLE AND PICKING OUT THE CHOCOLATE PIECE SHE WAS FOND OF CHOCOLATES ATE IT DAINTILY WHILE SHE EXAMINED HER PURCHASES THESE WERE NOT MANY FOR BESSIE WAS ONLY TWELVE YEARS OLD AND WAS NOT YET TRUSTED BY HER PARENTS TO EXPEND MUCH MONEY AT THE STORES BUT WHILE SHE TRIED ON THE HAIR RIBBONS SHE SUDDENLY FELT A GREAT DESIRE TO PLAY UPON THE PIANO AND THE DESIRE AT LAST BECAME SO OVERPOWERING THAT SHE WENT INTO THE PARLOR AND OPENED THE INSTRUMENT THE LITTLE GIRL HAD WITH INFINITE PAINS CONTRIVED TO LEARN TWO PIECES WHICH SHE USUALLY EXECUTED WITH A JERKY MOVEMENT OF HER RIGHT HAND AND A LEFT HAND THAT FORGOT TO KEEP UP AND SO MADE DREADFUL DISCORDS BUT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE CHOCOLATE BONBON SHE SAT DOWN AND RAN HER FINGERS LIGHTLY OVER THE KEYS PRODUCING SUCH EXQUISITE HARMONY THAT SHE WAS FILLED WITH AMAZEMENT AT HER OWN PERFORMANCE"
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"The poor woman was in despair at witnessing her husbandŌĆÖs undignified actions and wondered what she might do to control him. The professor seemed more grave than usual; the senatorŌĆÖs face wore an offended expression, and Bessie kept moving her fingers as if she still wanted to play the piano.",
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"in his vest pocket. Mrs. Bostwick, still intently listening to her precocious daughter, without thinking what she did, took the remaining piece, which was the white one, and slowly devoured it. The dish was now empty, and Claribel SuddsŌĆÖ precious bonbons had passed from her possession forever! Suddenly Mr. Bostwick, who was a big man, began to sing in a shrill, tremolo soprano voice. It was not the same song Bessie was playing, and the discord was shocking that the professor smiled, the senator put his hands to his ears and Mrs. Bostwick cried in a horrified voice: ŌĆ£William!ŌĆØ Her husband continued to sing as if endeavoring to emulate the famous Christine Nillson, and paid no attention whatever to his wife or his guests. Fortunately the dinner gong now sounded, and Mrs. Bostwick dragged Bessie from the piano and ushered her guests into the dining-room. Mr. Bostwick followed, singing ŌĆ£The Last Rose of SummerŌĆØ as if it had been an encore demanded by a thousand delighted hearers.",
"S DINNER HE PUT IT IN HIS VEST POCKET MISSUS BOSTWICK STILL INTENTLY LISTENING TO HER PRECOCIOUS DAUGHTER WITHOUT THINKING WHAT SHE DID TOOK THE REMAINING PIECE WHICH WAS THE WHITE ONE AND SLOWLY DEVOURED IT THE DISH WAS NOW EMPTY AND CLARA BELLE SUDD'S PRECIOUS BONBONS HAD PASSED FROM HER POSSESSION FOREVER SUDDENLY MISTER BOSTWICK WHO WAS A BIG MAN BEGAN TO SING IN A SHRILL TREMULOUS SOPRANO VOICE IT WAS NOT THE SAME SONG BESSIE WAS PLAYING AND THE DISCORD WAS SO SHOCKING THAT THE PROFESSOR SMILED THE SENATOR PUT HIS HANDS TO HIS EARS AND MISSUS BOSTWICK CRIED IN A HORRIFIED VOICE WILLIAM HER HUSBAND CONTINUED TO SING AS IF ENDEAVOURING TO EMULATE THE FAMOUS CHRISTINE MILSON AND PAID NO ATTENTION WHATEVER TO HIS WIFE OR HIS GUESTS FORTUNATELY THE DINNER GONG NOW SOUNDED AND MISSUS BOSTWICK DRAGGED BESSY FROM THE PIANO AND USHERED HER GUESTS INTO THE DINING ROOM MISTER BOSTWICK FOLLOWED SINGING THE LAST ROSE OF SUMMER AS IF IT HAD BEEN AN UNCOR DEMANDED BY A THOUSAND DELIGHTED HEARERS"
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"Daws keeps right along with the procession. Now, one of your old-fashioned sorcerers would have made you some nasty, bitter pills to swallow; but I have consulted your taste and convenience. Here are some magic bonbons. If you eat this one with the lavender color you can dance thereafter as lightly and gracefully as if you had been trained a lifetime. After you consume the pink confection you will sing like a nightingale. Eating the white one will enable you to become the finest elocutionist in the land. The chocolate piece will charm you into playing the piano better than Rubenstein, while after eating the lemon-yellow bonbon you can easily kick six feet above your head.ŌĆØ ŌĆ£How delightful!ŌĆØ exclaimed Claribel, who was truly enraptured. ŌĆ£You are certainly a most clever sorcerer as well as a considerate compounder,ŌĆØ and she held out her hand for the box. ŌĆ£Ahem!ŌĆØ said the wise one; ŌĆ£a check, please.ŌĆØ ŌĆ£Oh, yes; to be sure! How stupid of me to forget it,ŌĆØ she returned.",
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"ŌĆØ Then he paused, balanced himself upon his left foot, and kicked his right leg into the air in the way favored by ballet dancers!",
"THEN HE PAUSED BALANCED HIMSELF UPON HIS LEFT FOOT AND KICKED HIS RIGHT LEG INTO THE AIR IN THE WAY FAVORED BY BALLET DANCERS"
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"he senatorŌĆÖs treatment or not. The political meeting was the feature of the day, for the senatorŌĆÖs eloquence was well known in Boston. So the big hall was crowded with people, and in one of the front rows sat the Bostwick family, with the learned Yale professor beside them. They all looked tired and pale, as if they had passed a rather dissipated evening, and the senator was rendered so nervous by seeing them that he refused to look in their direction a second time. While the mayor was introducing him the great man sat fidgeting in his chair; and, happening to put his thumb and finger into his vest pocket, he found the lavender-colored bonbon he had placed there the evening before. ŌĆ£This may clear my throat,ŌĆØ thought the senator, and slipped the bonbon into his mouth. A few minutes afterwards he arose before the vast audience, which greeted him with enthusiastic plaudits. ŌĆ£My friends,ŌĆØ began the senator, in a grave voice, ŌĆ£this is a most impressive and important occasion.",
"D HE HARDLY KNEW WHETHER HE DARED RESENT THE SENATOR'S TREATMENT OR NOT THE POLITICAL MEETING WAS THE FEATURE OF THE DAY FOR THE SENATOR'S ELOQUENCE WAS WELL KNOWN IN BOSTON SO THE BIG HALL WAS CROWDED WITH PEOPLE AND IN ONE OF THE FRONT ROWS SAT THE BOSTRIK FAMILY WITH THE LEARNED YALE PROFESSOR BESIDE THEM THEY ALL LOOKED TIRED AND PALE AS IF THEY HAD PASSED A RATHER DISSIPATED EVENING AND THE SENATOR WAS RENDERED SO NERVOUS BY SEEING THEM THAT HE REFUSED TO LOOK IN THEIR DIRECTION A SECOND TIME WHILE THE MAYOR WAS INTRODUCING HIM THE GREAT MAN SAT FIDGETING IN HIS CHAIR AND HAPPENING TO PUT HIS THUMB AND FINGER INTO HIS VEST POCKET HE FOUND THE LAVENDER COLORED BONBON HE HAD PLACED THERE THE EVENING BEFORE THIS MAY CLEAR MY THROAT THOUGHT THE SENATOR AND SLIPPED THE BONBON INTO HIS MOUTH A FEW MINUTES AFTERWARDS HE AROSE BEFORE THE VAST AUDIENCE WHICH GREETED HIM WITH ENTHUSIASTIC PLAUDITS MY FRIENDS BEGAN THE SENATOR IN A GRAVE VOICE THIS IS A MOST IMPRESSIVE AND IMPORTANT OCCASION"
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"lla in the rack. Then he peeped into the parlor to see who was playing. ŌĆ£Great Caesar!ŌĆØ he exclaimed. But the mother came to him softly with her finger on her lips and whispered: ŌĆ£DonŌĆÖt interrupt her, John. Our child seems to be in a trance. Did you ever hear such superb music?ŌĆØ ŌĆ£Why, sheŌĆÖs an infant prodigy!ŌĆØ gasped the astounded father. ŌĆ£Beats Blind Tom all hollow! ItŌĆÖsŌĆöitŌĆÖs wonderful!ŌĆØ As they stood listening the senator arrived, having been invited to dine with them that evening. And before he had taken off his coat the Yale professorŌĆöa man of deep learning and scholarly attainmentsŌĆöjoined the party. Bessie played on; and the four elders stood in a huddled but silent and amazed group, listening to the music and waiting for the sound of the dinner gong. Mr. Bostwick, who was hungry, picked up the bonbon dish that lay on the table beside him and ate the pink confection. The professor was watching him, so Mr. Bostwick courteously held the dish toward him.",
"HOME AND HUNG UP HIS HAT AND OVERCOAT AND PLACED HIS UMBRELLA IN THE RACK THEN HE PEEPED INTO THE PARLOR TO SEE WHO WAS PLAYING GREAT CAESAR HE EXCLAIMED BUT THE MOTHER CAME TO HIM SOFTLY WITH HER FINGER ON HER LIPS AND WHISPERED DON'T INTERRUPT HER JOHN OUR CHILD SEEMS TO BE IN A TRANCE DID YOU EVER HEAR SUCH SUPERB MUSIC WHY SHE'S AN INFANT PRODIGY GASPED THE ASTOUNDED FATHER BEATS BLIND TOM ALL HOLLOW IT'S IT'S WONDERFUL AS THEY STOOD LISTENING THE SENATOR ARRIVED HAVING BEEN INVITED TO DINE WITH HIM THAT EVENING AND BEFORE HE HAD TAKEN OFF HIS COAT THE YALE PROFESSOR A MAN OF DEEP LEARNING AND SCHOLARLY ATTAINMENTS JOINED THE PARTY BESSIE PLAYED ON AND THE FOUR ELDERS STOOD IN A HUDDLED BUT SILENT AND AMAZED GROUP LISTENING TO THE MUSIC AND WAITING FOR THE SOUND OF THE DINNER GONG MISTER BOSTWICK WHO WAS HUNGRY PICKED UP THE BONBON DISH THAT LAY ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM AND ATE THE PINK CONFECTION THE PROFESSOR WAS WATCHING HIM SO MISTER BOSTWICK COURTEOUSLY HELD THE DISH TOWARD HIM"
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" that evening. And before he had taken off his coat the Yale professorŌĆöa man of deep learning and scholarly attainmentsŌĆöjoined the party. Bessie played on; and the four elders stood in a huddled but silent and amazed group, listening to the music and waiting for the sound of the dinner gong. Mr. Bostwick, who was hungry, picked up the bonbon dish that lay on the table beside him and ate the pink confection. The professor was watching him, so Mr. Bostwick courteously held the dish toward him. The professor ate the lemon-yellow piece and the senator reached out his hand and took the lavender piece. He did not eat it, however, for, chancing to remember that it might spoil his dinner, he put it in his vest pocket. Mrs. Bostwick, still intently listening to her precocious daughter, without thinking what she did, took the remaining piece, which was the white one, and slowly devoured it. The dish was now empty, and Claribel SuddsŌĆÖ precious bonbons had passed from her possession forever!",
"ED TO DINE WITH HIM THAT EVENING AND BEFORE HE HAD TAKEN OFF HIS COAT THE YALE PROFESSOR A MAN OF DEEP LEARNING AND SCHOLARLY ATTAINMENTS JOINED THE PARTY BESSIE PLAYED ON AND THE FOUR ELDERS STOOD IN A HUDDLED BUT SILENT AND AMAZED GROUP LISTENING TO THE MUSIC AND WAITING FOR THE SOUND OF THE DINNER GONG MISTER BOSTWICK WHO WAS HUNGRY PICKED UP THE BONBON DISH THAT LAY ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM AND ATE THE PINK CONFECTION THE PROFESSOR WAS WATCHING HIM SO MISTER BOSTWICK COURTEOUSLY HELD THE DISH TOWARD HIM THE PROFESSOR ATE THE LEMON YELLOW PIECE AND THE SENATOR REACHED OUT HIS HAND AND TOOK THE LAVENDER PIECE HE DID NOT EAT IT HOWEVER FOR CHANCING TO REMEMBER THAT IT MIGHT SPOIL HIS DINNER HE PUT IT IN HIS VEST POCKET MISSUS BOSTWICK STILL INTENTLY LISTENING TO HER PRECOCIOUS DAUGHTER WITHOUT THINKING WHAT SHE DID TOOK THE REMAINING PIECE WHICH WAS THE WHITE ONE AND SLOWLY DEVOURED IT THE DISH WAS NOW EMPTY AND CLARA BELLE SUDD'S PRECIOUS BONBONS HAD PASSED FROM HER POSSESSION FOREVER"
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"IT TOOK THE SENATOR SEVERAL MONTHS TO RECOVER FROM THE SHAME AND HUMILIATION OF THIS ESCAPADE AND CURIOUSLY ENOUGH HE NEVER HAD THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT IT INDUCED HIM TO ACT IN SO EXTRAORDINARY A MANNER"
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", and startled a bald-headed man in the front row by casting a languishing glance in his direction. Suddenly Claribel Sudds, who happened to be present, uttered a scream and sprang to her feet. Pointing an accusing finger at the dancing senator, she cried in a loud voice: ŌĆ£ThatŌĆÖs the man who stole my bonbons! Seize him! Arrest him! DonŌĆÖt let him escape!ŌĆØ But the ushers rushed her out of the hall, thinking she had gone suddenly insane; and the senatorŌĆÖs friends seized him firmly and carried him out the stage entrance to the street, where they put him into an open carriage and instructed the driver to take him home. The effect of the magic bonbon was still powerful enough to control the poor senator, who stood upon the rear seat of the carriage and danced energetically all the way home, to the delight of the crowd of small boys who followed the carriage and the grief of the sober-minded citizens, who shook their heads sadly and whispered that ŌĆ£another good man had gone wrong.",
"HT AND LEFT IN A GRACEFUL MANNER AND STARTLED A BALD HEADED MAN IN THE FRONT ROW BY CASTING A LANGUISHING GLANCE IN HIS DIRECTION SUDDENLY CLARA BELLE SUDDS WHO HAPPENED TO BE PRESENT UTTERED A SCREAM AND SPRANG TO HER FEET POINTING AN ACCUSING FINGER AT THE DANCING SENATOR SHE CRIED IN A LOUD VOICE THAT'S THE MAN WHO STOLE MY BONBONS SEIZE HIM ARREST HIM DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE BUT THE USHERS RUSHED HER OUT OF THE HALL THINKING SHE HAD GONE SUDDENLY INSANE AND THE SENATOR'S FRIEND SEIZED HIM FIRMLY AND CARRIED HIM OUT THE STAGE ENTRANCE TO THE STREET WHERE THEY PUT HIM INTO AN OPEN CARRIAGE AND INSTRUCTED THE DRIVER TO TAKE HIM HOME THE EFFECT OF THE MAGIC BONBON WAS STILL POWERFUL ENOUGH TO CONTROL THE POOR SENATOR WHO STOOD UPON THE REAR SEAT OF THE CARRIAGE AND DANCED ENERGETICALLY ALL THE WAY HOME TO THE DELIGHT OF THE CROWD OF SMALL BOYS WHO FOLLOWED THE CARRIAGE AND THE GRIEF OF THE SOBER MINDED CITIZENS WHO SHOOK THEIR HEADS SADLY AND WHISPERED THAT ANOTHER GOOD MAN HAD GONE WRONG"
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"SEIZE HIM ARREST HIM DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE BUT THE USHERS RUSHED HER OUT OF THE HALL THINKING SHE HAD GONE SUDDENLY INSANE AND THE SENATOR'S FRIEND SEIZED HIM FIRMLY AND CARRIED HIM OUT THE STAGE ENTRANCE TO THE STREET WHERE THEY PUT HIM INTO AN OPEN CARRIAGE AND INSTRUCTED THE DRIVER TO TAKE HIM HOME"
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"r-colored bonbon he had placed there the evening before. ŌĆ£This may clear my throat,ŌĆØ thought the senator, and slipped the bonbon into his mouth. A few minutes afterwards he arose before the vast audience, which greeted him with enthusiastic plaudits. ŌĆ£My friends,ŌĆØ began the senator, in a grave voice, ŌĆ£this is a most impressive and important occasion.ŌĆØ Then he paused, balanced himself upon his left foot, and kicked his right leg into the air in the way favored by ballet-dancers! There was a hum of amazement and horror from the spectators, but the senator appeared not to notice it. He whirled around upon the tips of his toes, kicked right and left in a graceful manner, and startled a bald-headed man in the front row by casting a languishing glance in his direction. Suddenly Claribel Sudds, who happened to be present, uttered a scream and sprang to her feet. Pointing an accusing finger at the dancing senator, she cried in a loud voice: ŌĆ£ThatŌĆÖs the man who stole my bonbons!",
"ER INTO HIS VEST POCKET HE FOUND THE LAVENDER COLORED BONBON HE HAD PLACED THERE THE EVENING BEFORE THIS MAY CLEAR MY THROAT THOUGHT THE SENATOR AND SLIPPED THE BONBON INTO HIS MOUTH A FEW MINUTES AFTERWARDS HE AROSE BEFORE THE VAST AUDIENCE WHICH GREETED HIM WITH ENTHUSIASTIC PLAUDITS MY FRIENDS BEGAN THE SENATOR IN A GRAVE VOICE THIS IS A MOST IMPRESSIVE AND IMPORTANT OCCASION THEN HE PAUSED BALANCED HIMSELF UPON HIS LEFT FOOT AND KICKED HIS RIGHT LEG INTO THE AIR IN THE WAY FAVORED BY BALLET DANCERS THERE WAS A HUM OF AMAZEMENT AND HORROR FROM THE SPECTATORS BUT THE SENATOR APPEARED NOT TO NOTICE IT HE WHIRLED AROUND UPON THE TIPS OF HIS TOES KICKED RIGHT AND LEFT IN A GRACEFUL MANNER AND STARTLED A BALD HEADED MAN IN THE FRONT ROW BY CASTING A LANGUISHING GLANCE IN HIS DIRECTION SUDDENLY CLARA BELLE SUDDS WHO HAPPENED TO BE PRESENT UTTERED A SCREAM AND SPRANG TO HER FEET POINTING AN ACCUSING FINGER AT THE DANCING SENATOR SHE CRIED IN A LOUD VOICE THAT'S THE MAN WHO STOLE MY BONBONS"
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"ŌĆØ ŌĆ£Are you willing to pay for such accomplishments?ŌĆØ asked the wise chemist. ŌĆ£Certainly,ŌĆØ answered Claribel, jingling her purse. ŌĆ£Then come to me to morrow at two oŌĆÖclock,ŌĆØ said he.",
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" had made a bundle of his bracelets and shell necklaces and little gold ornaments and had traveled many miles into another country, where the ancient and royal tribe of hippopotamuses was unknown. And he set up for a great chief, because of his riches, and people bowed down before him. By day he was proud and swaggering. But at night he tumbled and tossed upon his bed and could not sleep. His conscience troubled him. For he had sworn by the bones of his grandfather; and his grandfather had no bones. THE MAGIC BON BONS There lived in Boston a wise and ancient chemist by the name of Dr. Daws, who dabbled somewhat in magic. There also lived in Boston a young lady by the name of Claribel Sudds, who was possessed of much money, little wit and an intense desire to go upon the stage. So Claribel went to Dr. Daws and said: ŌĆ£I can neither sing nor dance; I cannot recite verse nor play upon the piano; I am no acrobat nor leaper nor high kicker; yet I wish to go upon the stage. What shall I do?",
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"\"You may go home tomorrow. There will be a holiday tomorrow. A party tonight and a holiday tomorrow for every school on earth.\" The tears were halted for a moment. The voice was querulous. \"But I want to go home now.\"",
"YOU MAY GO HOME TO MORROW THERE WILL BE A HOLIDAY TO MORROW A PARTY TO NIGHT AND A HOLIDAY TO MORROW FOR EVERY SCHOOL ON EARTH THE TEARS WERE HALTED FOR A MOMENT THE VOICE WAS QUERULOUS BUT I WANT TO GO HOME NOW"
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"eal. We roboteachers are the repository of the human mind. We hold all the wisdom and the knowledge and the aspirations of the human race. We hold these for you, the children, in trust. Your good is our highest law. Do you understand?\" The children nodded. The metallic voice went on. \"Let us return to _Macbeth_ for our concluding quotation. The weather, fortune, many things are implied in Macbeth's opening speech. He says, '_So foul and fair a day I have not seen._' The paradox is both human and appropriate. One day you will understand this even more. Repeat the quotation after me, please, and try to understand it.\" The childish voices lifted. \"_So foul and fair a day I have not seen._\" The roboteacher stood up. \"And there's the closing bell. Do not hurry away, for you are to remain here tonight. There will be a school party, a sleep-together party. We will all sleep here in the school building.\" \"You mean we can't go home?\" The face of the littlest girl screwed up. \"I want to go home.",
"E REALITY OF THE MIND AND THE HUMAN MIND IS REAL WE ROBAL TEACHERS ARE THE REPOSITORY OF THE HUMAN MIND WE HOLD ALL THE WISDOM AND THE KNOWLEDGE AND THE ASPIRATIONS OF THE HUMAN RACE WE HOLD THESE FOR YOU THE CHILDREN IN TRUST YOUR GOOD IS OUR HIGHEST LAW DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHILDREN NODDED THE METALLIC VOICE WENT ON LET US RETURN TO MACBETH FOR OUR CONCLUDING QUOTATION THE WEATHER FORTUNE MANY THINGS ARE IMPLIED IN MACBETH'S OPENING SPEECH HE SAYS SO FOUL AND FAIR A DAY I HAVE NOT SEEN THE PARADOX IS BOTH HUMAN AND APPROPRIATE ONE DAY YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THIS EVEN MORE REPEAT THE QUOTATION AFTER ME PLEASE AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT THE CHILDISH VOICES LIFTED SO FOUL AND FAIR A DAY I HAVE NOT SEEN THE ROUBLE TEACHER STOOD UP AND THERE'S THE CLOSING BELL DO NOT HURRY AWAY FOR YOU ARE TO REMAIN HERE TO NIGHT THERE WILL BE A SCHOOL PARTY A SLEEP TOGETHER PARTY WE WILL ALL SLEEP HERE IN THE SCHOOL BUILDING YOU MEAN WE CAN'T GO HOME THE FACE OF THE LITTLEST GIRL SCREWED UP I WANT TO GO HOME"
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"Gently, gently, the metal hand pulled him against the metal body. \"Your folks have gone away, Johnny. Everyone's folks have gone away. We will stay with you.\" Johnny Malone ran his glance around the room.",
"GENTLY GENTLY THE METAL HAND PULLED HIM AGAINST THE METAL BODY YOUR FOLKS HAVE GONE AWAY JOHNNY EVERY ONE'S FOLKS HAVE GONE AWAY WE WILL STAY WITH YOU JOHNNY MALONE RAN HIS GLANCE AROUND THE ROOM"
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"the sun. The children were up with the robots. There was breakfast and more stories, and now the children clustered about the robots, holding onto their arms, where they could cling, tagging and frisking along behind the robots as they went down into the town. The sun was warm, and it was early, early, and very bright from the morning sun in the streets. They went into the Mayor's house. Johnny called, \"Mom! Dad! I'm home.\" The house was silent. The robot that tended the house came gliding in answer. \"Would you like breakfast, Master Malone?\" \"I've had breakfast. I want my folks. Hey! Mom, Dad!\" He went into the bedroom. It was clean and empty and scrubbed. \"Where's my mother and father?\" The metal voice of the robot beside Johnny said, \"I am going to live with you. You will learn as much at home as you do at school.\" \"Where's my mother?\" \"I'm your mother.\" \"Where's my father?\" \"I'm your father.\" Johnny Malone swung. \"You mean my mother and father are gone?\" Tears gathered in his eyes.",
"EN FELL ASLEEP MORNING CAME THE ROBOTS WERE UP WITH THE SUN THE CHILDREN WERE UP WITH THE ROBOTS THERE WAS BREAKFAST AND MORE STORIES AND NOW THE CHILDREN CLUSTERED ABOUT THE ROBOTS HOLDING ON TO THEIR ARMS WHERE THEY COULD CLING TAGGING AND FRISKING ALONG BEHIND THE ROWBOTS AS THEY WENT DOWN TO THE TOWN THE SUN WAS WARM AND IT WAS EARLY EARLY AND VERY BRIGHT FROM THE MORNING SUN IN THE STREETS THEY WENT INTO THE MAYOR'S HOUSE JOHNNY CALLED MUM DAD I'M HOME THE HOUSE WAS SILENT THE ROBUCK THAT TENDED THE HOUSE CAME GLIDING IN ANSWER WOULD YOU LIKE BREAKFAST MASTER MALONE I'VE HAD BREAKFAST I WANT MY FOLKS HEY MUM HEY DAD HE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM IT WAS CLEAN AND EMPTY AND SCRUBBED WHERE'S MY MOTHER AND FATHER THE METAL VOICE OF THE ROBOUT BESIDE JOHNNY SAID I AM GOING TO LIVE WITH YOU YOU WILL LEARN AS MUCH AT HOME AS YOU DO AT SCHOOL WHERE'S MY MOTHER I'M YOUR MOTHER WHERE'S MY FATHER I'M YOUR FATHER JOHNNY MALONE SWUNG YOU MEAN MY MOTHER AND FATHER ARE GONE TEARS GATHERED IN HIS EYES"
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"\"With the establishing of this school the last human teacher is gone. Gone are all the human weaknesses, the temper fits of teachers, their ignorance and prejudices. The roboteachers are without flaw.\" The woman lifted a lorgnette to her eyes.",
"WITH THE ESTABLISHING OF THIS SCHOOL THE LAST HUMAN TEACHER IS GONE GONE ARE ALL THE HUMAN WEAKNESSES THE TEMPER FITS OF TEACHERS THEIR IGNORANCE AND PREJUDICES THE ROBBULL TEACHERS ARE WITHOUT FLAW THE WOMAN LIFTED A LORGNETTE TO HER EYES"
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"n the table before him. After he had forced a few bites past the tightness in his throat, Amelia checked the temperature and his clothing and let him out the door. The newest school was only a few blocks from his home, and Johnny could walk to school. * * * * * The newest school stood on the edge of this large, middlewestern city. Off to the back of the school were the towers of the town, great monolithic skyscrapers of pre-stressed concrete and plastic. To the front of the school the plains stretched out to meet a cloudy horizon. A helio car swung down in front of the school. Two men and a woman got out. \"This is it, Senator.\" Doctor Wilson, the speaker, was with the government bureau of schools. He lifted his arm and gestured, a lean, tweed-suited man. The second man, addressed as Senator, was bulkier, grey suited and pompous. He turned to the woman with professional deference. \"This is the last one, my dear. This is what Doctor Wilson calls the greatest milestone in man's education.",
"AMELIA THE ROBO SERVANT PLACED HOT SERIAL ON THE TABLE BEFORE HIM AFTER HE HAD FORCED A FEW BITES PAST THE TIGHTNESS IN HIS THROAT AMELIA CHECKED THE TEMPERATURE AND HIS CLOTHING AND LED HIM OUT THE DOOR THE NEWEST SCHOOL WAS ONLY A FEW BLOCKS FROM HIS HOME AND JOHNNY COULD WALK TO SCHOOL THE NEWEST SCHOOL STOOD ON THE EDGE OF THIS LARGE MIDDLE WESTERN CITY OFF TO THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL WERE THE TOWERS OF THE TOWN GREAT MONOLITHIC SKY SCRAPERS OF PRIESTRESSED CONCRETE AND PLASTIC TO THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL THE PLANE STRETCHED OUT TO MEET A CLOUDY HORIZON A HELIO CAR SWUNG DOWN IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL TWO MEN AND A WOMAN GOT OUT THIS IS IT SENATOR DOCTOR WILSON THE SPEAKER WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT BUREAU SCHOOLS HE LIFTED HIS ARM AND GESTURED A LEAN TWEED SUITED MAN THE SECOND MAN ADDRESSED AS SENATOR WAS BULKIER GRAY SUITED AND POMPOUS HE TURNED TO THE WOMAN WITH PROFESSIONAL DEFERENCE THIS IS THE LAST ONE MY DEAR THIS IS WHAT DOCTOR WILSON CALLS THE GREATEST MILESTONE IN MAN'S EDUCATION"
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"Senator said tactfully, \"After all, Doctor Wilson would like you to see his project.\" The brown suited man nodded. His face took on a sharp intensity. \"We're making a great mistake. No one is interested in educating the children any more. They leave it to the robots. And they neglect the children's training at home.\"",
"SENATOR SAID TACTFULLY AFTER ALL DOCTOR WILSON WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEE HIS PROJECT THE BROWN SUITED MAN NODDED THE FACE TOOK ON A SHARP INTENSITY WE'RE MAKING A GREAT MISTAKE NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN EDUCATING THE CHILDREN ANY MORE THEY LEAVE IT TO THE ROBOTS AND THEY NEGLECT THE CHILDREN'S TRAINING AT HOME"
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"t bureau of schools. He lifted his arm and gestured, a lean, tweed-suited man. The second man, addressed as Senator, was bulkier, grey suited and pompous. He turned to the woman with professional deference. \"This is the last one, my dear. This is what Doctor Wilson calls the greatest milestone in man's education.\" \"With the establishing of this school the last human teacher is gone. Gone are all the human weaknesses, the temper fits of teachers, their ignorance and prejudices. The roboteachers are without flaw.\" The woman lifted a lorgnette to her eyes. \"_Haow_ interesting. But after all, we've had roboteachers for years, haven't we--or have we--?\" She made a vague gesture toward the school, and looked at the brown-suited man. \"Yes, of course. Years ago your women's clubs fought against roboteachers. That was before they were proven.\" \"I seem to recall something of that. Oh well, it doesn't matter.\" The lorgnette gestured idly. \"Shall we go in?\" the lean man urged. The woman hesitated.",
"CTOR WILSON THE SPEAKER WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT BUREAU SCHOOLS HE LIFTED HIS ARM AND GESTURED A LEAN TWEED SUITED MAN THE SECOND MAN ADDRESSED AS SENATOR WAS BULKIER GRAY SUITED AND POMPOUS HE TURNED TO THE WOMAN WITH PROFESSIONAL DEFERENCE THIS IS THE LAST ONE MY DEAR THIS IS WHAT DOCTOR WILSON CALLS THE GREATEST MILESTONE IN MAN'S EDUCATION WITH THE ESTABLISHING OF THIS SCHOOL THE LAST HUMAN TEACHER IS GONE GONE ARE ALL THE HUMAN WEAKNESSES THE TEMPER FITS OF TEACHERS THEIR IGNORANCE AND PREJUDICES THE ROBBULL TEACHERS ARE WITHOUT FLAW THE WOMAN LIFTED A LORGNETTE TO HER EYES HOW INTERESTING BUT AFTER ALL WE'VE HAD ROBULL TEACHERS FOR YEARS HAVEN'T WE OR HAVE WE SHE MADE A VAGUE GESTURE TOWARD THE SCHOOL AND LOOKED AT THE BROWN SUITED MAN YES OF COURSE YEARS AGO YOUR WOMEN'S CLUBS FOUGHT AGAINST ROBEL TEACHERS THAT WAS BEFORE THEY WERE PROVEN I SEEM TO RECALL SOMETHING OF THAT OH WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER THE LORGNE YET GESTURED IDLY SHALL WE GO IN THE LEAN MAN URGED THE WOMAN HESITATED"
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"\"Is it true that the roboteachers will actually spank you?\" \"It's true, all right.\" \"You're kidding. It's only a story, like Santa Claus or Johnny Appleseed. The human teachers never spanked us here.\" \"The robots will spank you if you get out of line.\" \"My father says no robot can lay a hand on a human.\"",
"IS IT TRUE THAT THE ROBOT TEACHERS WILL ACTUALLY SPANK YOU IT'S TRUE ALL RIGHT YOU'RE KITTY IT'S ONLY A STORY LIKE SANTA CLAUS OR JOHNNY APPLESEED THE HUMAN TEACHERS NEVER SPANKED US HERE THE ROWBOTS WILL SPANK YOU IF YOU GET OUT OF LINE MY FATHER SAYS NO ROWBOT CAN LAY A HAND ON A HUMAN"
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"What can you add to a perfect mechanism, designed for its job, and integrated with a hundred other perfect mechanisms? What can you do when a thousand schools are so perfect they have a life of their own, with no need for human guidance, and, most significant, no failures from human weakness? Wilson stared soberly at this school, at the colossus he had helped to create. He had the feeling that it was wrong somehow, that if people would only think about it they could find that something was wrong. \"You are tired.\" He nodded at Socrates. \"Yes, I am tired. I will go home.\" Once, on the way home, he stared back toward the school with strange unease. * * * * * Inside the school there was the ringing of a bell. The children trooped into the large play area that was enclosed in the heart of the great building. Here and there they began to form in clusters. At the centers of the clusters were the newest students, the ones that had moved here, the ones that had been in the robot schools before.",
"OME AND REST HOW CAN YOU ARGUE WITH METAL WHAT CAN YOU ADD TO A PERFECT MECHANISM DESIGNED FOR ITS JOB AND INTEGRATED WITH A HUNDRED OTHER PERFECT MECHANISMS WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN A THOUSAND SCHOOLS ARE SO PERFECT THEY HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN WITH NO NEED FOR HUMAN GUIDANCE AND MOST SIGNIFICANT NO FAILURES FROM HUMAN WEAKNESS WILSON STARED SOBERLY AT THIS SCHOOL AT THE COLOSSUS HE HAD HELPED TO CREATE HE HAD THE FEELING THAT IT WAS WRONG SOMEHOW THAT IF PEOPLE WOULD ONLY THINK ABOUT IT THEY COULD FIND THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG YOU ARE TIRED HE NODDED AT SOCRATES YES I AM TIRED I'LL GO HOME ONCE ON THE WAY HOME HE STARED BACK TOWARD THE SCHOOL WITH STRANGE UNEASE INSIDE THE SCHOOL THERE WAS THE RINGING OF A BELL THE CHILDREN TROOPED INTO THE LARGE PLAY AREA THAT WAS ENCLOSED IN THE HEART OF THE GREAT BUILDING HERE AND THERE THEY BEGAN TO FORM IN CLUSTERS AT THE CENTRES OF THE CLUSTERS WERE THE NEWEST STUDENTS THE ONES THAT HAD MOVED HERE THE ONES THAT HAD BEEN IN THE ROBOT SCHOOLS BEFORE"
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"ONCE ON THE WAY HOME HE STARED BACK TOWARD THE SCHOOL WITH STRANGE UNEASE INSIDE THE SCHOOL THERE WAS THE RINGING OF A BELL THE CHILDREN TROOPED INTO THE LARGE PLAY AREA THAT WAS ENCLOSED IN THE HEART OF THE GREAT BUILDING"
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". Wilson watched the two re-enter the helicopter and rise into the morning sunshine. He kicked the dirt with his shoe and turned to find Socrates behind him. The metallic voice spoke. \"You are tired. I suggest you go home and rest.\" \"I'm not tired. Why can they be so blind, so uninterested in the children?\" \"It is our job to teach the children. You are tired. I suggest you go home and rest.\" How can you argue with metal? What can you add to a perfect mechanism, designed for its job, and integrated with a hundred other perfect mechanisms? What can you do when a thousand schools are so perfect they have a life of their own, with no need for human guidance, and, most significant, no failures from human weakness? Wilson stared soberly at this school, at the colossus he had helped to create. He had the feeling that it was wrong somehow, that if people would only think about it they could find that something was wrong. \"You are tired.\" He nodded at Socrates. \"Yes, I am tired. I will go home.",
"ILSON'S OWN VOTE WOULD BE APPRECIATED TOO WILSON WATCHED THE TWO RE ENTER THE HELICOMTER AND RISE INTO THE MORNING SUNSHINE HE KICKED THE DIRT WITH HIS SHOE AND TURNED TO FIND SOCRATES BEHIND HIM THE METALLIC VOICE SPOKE YOU ARE TIRED I SUGGEST YOU GO HOME AND REST I'M NOT TIRED WHY CAN THEY BE SO BLIND SO UNINTERESTED IN THE CHILDREN IT IS OUR JOB TO TEACH THE CHILDREN YOU ARE TIRED I SUGGEST YOU GO HOME AND REST HOW CAN YOU ARGUE WITH METAL WHAT CAN YOU ADD TO A PERFECT MECHANISM DESIGNED FOR ITS JOB AND INTEGRATED WITH A HUNDRED OTHER PERFECT MECHANISMS WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN A THOUSAND SCHOOLS ARE SO PERFECT THEY HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN WITH NO NEED FOR HUMAN GUIDANCE AND MOST SIGNIFICANT NO FAILURES FROM HUMAN WEAKNESS WILSON STARED SOBERLY AT THIS SCHOOL AT THE COLOSSUS HE HAD HELPED TO CREATE HE HAD THE FEELING THAT IT WAS WRONG SOMEHOW THAT IF PEOPLE WOULD ONLY THINK ABOUT IT THEY COULD FIND THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG YOU ARE TIRED HE NODDED AT SOCRATES YES I AM TIRED I'LL GO HOME"
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"Eyes smarting, Johnny Malone went down the stairs to the kitchen. It wasn't that his parents were different. All the kids were fed and sent to school by robots. It was just that well today seemed sort of special.",
"I SMARTING JOHNNY MALONE WENT DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE KITCHEN IT WASN'T THAT HIS PARENTS WERE DIFFERENT ALL THE KIDS WERE FED AND SENT TO SCHOOL BY ROBOTS IT WAS JUST THAT WELL TO DAY SEEMED SORT OF SPECIAL"
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" himself for a moment, for he knew he was too big to cry. He walked more slowly now and entered his father's room. He had to shake his father to awaken him. \"Daddy! Wake up, daddy!\" \"What in the devil? Oh, Johnny.\" His father's eyes were sleepily bleak. \"What in thunder do you want?\" \"Today's the first day of roboteachers. I can't work my arithmetic. Will you help me before I go to school?\" His father stared at him in amazement. \"Just what in the devil do you think roboteachers are for? They're supposed to teach you. If you knew arithmetic we wouldn't need roboteachers.\" \"But the roboteachers may be angry if I don't have my lesson.\" Johnny Malone's father turned on one elbow. \"Listen, son,\" he said. \"If those roboteachers give you any trouble you just tell them you're the Mayor's son. See. Now get the devil out of here. What's her name--that servorobot--Amelia will get your breakfast and get you off to school. Now suppose you beat it out of here and let me go back to sleep.\" \"Yes, Sir.",
"ALONE TURNED AWAY FIGHTING HIMSELF FOR A MOMENT FOR HE KNEW HE WAS TOO BIG TO CRY HE WALKED MORE SLOWLY NOW AND ENTERED HIS FATHER'S ROOM HE HAD TO SHAKE HIS FATHER TO AWAKEN HIM DADDY WAKE UP DADDY WHAT IN THE DEVIL OH JOHNNY HIS FATHER'S EYES WERE SLEEPILY BLEAK WHAT IN THUNDER DO YOU WANT TO DAY'S THE FIRST DAY OF ROBIL TEACHERS I CAN'T WORK MY ARITHMETIC WILL YOU HELP ME BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL HIS FATHER STARED AT HIM IN AMAZEMENT JUST WHAT IN THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK ROBEL TEACHERS ARE FOR THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU IF YOU KNEW ARITHMETIC WE WOULDN'T NEED ROBOT TEACHERS BUT THE ROBER TEACHERS MAY BE ANGRY IF I DON'T HAVE MY LESSON JOHNNY MALONE'S FATHER TURNED ON ONE ELBOW LISTEN SON HE SAID IF THOSE ROBER TEACHERS GIVE YOU ANY TROUBLE YOU JUST TELL THEM YOU'RE THE MAYOR'S SON SEE NOW GET THE DEVIL OUT OF HERE WHAT'S HER NAME THAT SERVIL WORLD BOUGHT AMELIA WILL GET YOU YOUR BREAKFAST AND GET YOU OFF TO SCHOOL NOW SUPPOSE YOU BEAT IT OUT OF HERE AND LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP YES SIR"
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"The house was silent. The robot that tended the house came gliding in answer. \"Would you like breakfast, Master Malone?\" \"I've had breakfast. I want my folks. Hey!",
"THE HOUSE WAS SILENT THE ROBUCK THAT TENDED THE HOUSE CAME GLIDING IN ANSWER WOULD YOU LIKE BREAKFAST MASTER MALONE I'VE HAD BREAKFAST I WANT MY FOLKS HEY"
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"ved in the school's cafeteria. No other robot was left in the building, but it did not matter, because the doors were locked so that the children could not go home. The other robots had begun to walk out into the town, and as they walked the robots walked from other schools, in other towns. All over the country, all over the towns, the robots walked to tell the people that the children would not be home from school, and do what had to be done. In the schools, the roboteachers told stories until the children fell asleep. * * * * * Morning came. The robots were up with the sun. The children were up with the robots. There was breakfast and more stories, and now the children clustered about the robots, holding onto their arms, where they could cling, tagging and frisking along behind the robots as they went down into the town. The sun was warm, and it was early, early, and very bright from the morning sun in the streets. They went into the Mayor's house. Johnny called, \"Mom! Dad! I'm home.",
"E AND AFTER THAT TOOK THEM TO SUPPER SERVED IN THE SCHOOLS CAFETERIA NO OTHER ROBOT WAS LEFT IN THE BUILDING BUT IT DID NOT MATTER BECAUSE THE DOORS WERE LOCKED SO THAT THE CHILDREN COULD NOT GO HOME THE OTHER ROBOTS HAD BEGUN TO WALK OUT INTO THE TOWN AND AS THEY WALKED THE ROBOTS WALKED FROM OTHER SCHOOLS IN OTHER TOWNS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY ALL OVER THE TOWNS THE ROBOTS WALKED TO TELL THE PEOPLE THAT THE CHILDREN WOULD NOT BE HOME FROM SCHOOL AND DO WHAT HAD TO BE DONE IN THE SCHOOLS THE ROBBE TEACHERS TOLD STORIES UNTIL THE CHILDREN FELL ASLEEP MORNING CAME THE ROBOTS WERE UP WITH THE SUN THE CHILDREN WERE UP WITH THE ROBOTS THERE WAS BREAKFAST AND MORE STORIES AND NOW THE CHILDREN CLUSTERED ABOUT THE ROBOTS HOLDING ON TO THEIR ARMS WHERE THEY COULD CLING TAGGING AND FRISKING ALONG BEHIND THE ROWBOTS AS THEY WENT DOWN TO THE TOWN THE SUN WAS WARM AND IT WAS EARLY EARLY AND VERY BRIGHT FROM THE MORNING SUN IN THE STREETS THEY WENT INTO THE MAYOR'S HOUSE JOHNNY CALLED MUM DAD I'M HOME"
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"The woman turned toward him with surprise in her eyes. \"But really, aren't the robots the best teachers?\" \"Of course they are. But confound it, we ought to be interested in what they teach and how they teach.",
"THE WOMAN TURNED TOWARD HIM WITH SURPRISE IN HER EYES BUT REALLY AREN'T THE ROBOTS THE BEST TEACHERS OF COURSE THEY ARE BUT CONFOUND IT WE OUGHT TO BE INTERESTED IN WHAT THEY TEACH AND HOW THEY TEACH"
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"h the establishing of this school the last human teacher is gone. Gone are all the human weaknesses, the temper fits of teachers, their ignorance and prejudices. The roboteachers are without flaw.\" The woman lifted a lorgnette to her eyes. \"_Haow_ interesting. But after all, we've had roboteachers for years, haven't we--or have we--?\" She made a vague gesture toward the school, and looked at the brown-suited man. \"Yes, of course. Years ago your women's clubs fought against roboteachers. That was before they were proven.\" \"I seem to recall something of that. Oh well, it doesn't matter.\" The lorgnette gestured idly. \"Shall we go in?\" the lean man urged. The woman hesitated. Senator said tactfully, \"After all, Doctor Wilson would like you to see his project.\" The brown-suited man nodded. His face took on a sharp intensity. \"We're making a great mistake. No one is interested in educating the children any more. They leave it to the robots. And they neglect the children's training at home.\" ",
"GREATEST MILESTONE IN MAN'S EDUCATION WITH THE ESTABLISHING OF THIS SCHOOL THE LAST HUMAN TEACHER IS GONE GONE ARE ALL THE HUMAN WEAKNESSES THE TEMPER FITS OF TEACHERS THEIR IGNORANCE AND PREJUDICES THE ROBBULL TEACHERS ARE WITHOUT FLAW THE WOMAN LIFTED A LORGNETTE TO HER EYES HOW INTERESTING BUT AFTER ALL WE'VE HAD ROBULL TEACHERS FOR YEARS HAVEN'T WE OR HAVE WE SHE MADE A VAGUE GESTURE TOWARD THE SCHOOL AND LOOKED AT THE BROWN SUITED MAN YES OF COURSE YEARS AGO YOUR WOMEN'S CLUBS FOUGHT AGAINST ROBEL TEACHERS THAT WAS BEFORE THEY WERE PROVEN I SEEM TO RECALL SOMETHING OF THAT OH WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER THE LORGNE YET GESTURED IDLY SHALL WE GO IN THE LEAN MAN URGED THE WOMAN HESITATED SENATOR SAID TACTFULLY AFTER ALL DOCTOR WILSON WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEE HIS PROJECT THE BROWN SUITED MAN NODDED THE FACE TOOK ON A SHARP INTENSITY WE'RE MAKING A GREAT MISTAKE NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN EDUCATING THE CHILDREN ANY MORE THEY LEAVE IT TO THE ROBOTS AND THEY NEGLECT THE CHILDREN'S TRAINING AT HOME "
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"Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have been with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows where we had landlords singing in the chorus.",
"HAVE BEEN WITH A CIRCUS MINSTRELS FARCE COMEDY BURLESQUE AND DRAMATIC PRODUCTIONS HAVE BEEN WITH GOOD SHOWS BAD SHOWS MEDICINE SHOWS AND WORSE AND SOME SHOWS WHERE WE HAD LANDLORDS SINGING IN THE CHORUS"
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" was not a family ruined by the war; we did not have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or rather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check clerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shot gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company.",
"AST THEIR FORTUNES WITH THE SOUTH WAS NOT A FAMILY RUINED BY THE WAR WE DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING WHEN THE WAR COMMENCED AND SO WE HELD OUR OWN I SECURED A COMMON SCHOOL EDUCATION AND AT THE AGE OF TWELVE I LEFT HOME OR RATHER HOME LEFT ME THINGS JUST PETERED OUT I WAS A SLUSH COOK ON AN OHIO RIVER PACKET CHECK CLERK IN A STAVE AND HEADING CAMP IN THE KNOBS OF TENNESSEE VIRGINIA AND GEORGIA I HELPED LAY THE TRACK OF THE M K AND T R R AND WAS CHAMBERMAID IN A LIVERY STABLE MADE MY FIRST APPEARANCE ON THE STAGE AT THE NATIONAL THEATRE IN CINCINNATI OHIO AND HAVE SINCE THEN CHOPPED CORDWOOD WORKED IN A COAL MINE MADE CROSS TIES AND WALKED THEM WORKED ON A FARM TAUGHT A DISTRICT SCHOOL MADE LOVE TO THE BIG GIRLS RUN A THRESHING MACHINE CUT BANDS FED THE MACHINE AND RAN THE ENGINE HAVE BEEN A FREIGHT AND PASSENGER BRAKEMAN FIRED AND RAN A LOCOMOTIVE ALSO A FREIGHT TRAIN CONDUCTOR AND A CHECK CLERK IN A FREIGHT HOUSE WORKED ON THE SECTION HAVE BEEN A SHOTGUN MESSENGER FOR THE WELL SPARGO COMPANY"
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"One time I wuz elected a Justice of the Peace, To make out legal documents, a mortgage or a lease, Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I knowed them all, Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.",
"ONE TIME I WAS ELECTED A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE TO MAKE OUT LEGAL DOCUMENTS A MORTGAGE OR LEASE THEM TRICKS THAT LAWYERS HAVE YOU BET I KNOWED EM ALL LEARNED EM IN MY OLE YELLER ALMANACK HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL"
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"ed the fun; And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they showed at our Town Hall, A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. Wall I went down to see 'em, but their jokes, I knowed 'em all, Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers, Used to meet down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. There we'd set and argufy most every market day, Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away; And many a knotty problem has put us on our mettle, Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle; Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all, I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old fashioned yeller book, And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've took; Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through its pages, Seein' of the different things that's happened in all ages.",
"MES THE BOYS WOULD PLAY GOSH HOW I LIKED THE FUN AND ONCE THERE WAS A MINSTREL TROOP THEY SHOWED AT OUR TOWN HALL A JOLLY LOT OF FELLERS BOUT TWENTY OF EM ALL WELL I WENT DOWN TO SEE EM BUT THEIR JOKES I KNOWED EM ALL READ EM IN MY OLD YELLER ALMANAC HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL THAR WAS EZRA HOPKINS DEACON BROWN AND A LOT OF US OLD CODGERS USED TO MEET DOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE WHAT WAS KEPT BY JASON ROGERS THERE WE'D SET AND ARGUY MOST EVERY MARKET DAY CHARM TOBACKER AND WHITLAND STICKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY AND MANY A NAUGHTY PROBLEM HAS PUT US ON OUR METAL WHICH WE FELT IT WAS OUR DUTY TO DULY SOLVE AND SETTLE THEN AFTER THEY HAD SAID THEY'RE SAY WHO THOUGHT THEY KNOWED IT ALL I'D FLOOR EM WITH SOME FACTS I'D GOT FROM MY OLD YELLER ALMANAC HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL IT BEATS A REG'LAR CYCLOPAEDIUM THAT OLD FASHIONED YELLOW BOOK AND MANY A PLEASANT HOUR IN READIN IT I'VE TOOK SOMEHOW I'VE NEVER TIRED OF LOOKIN THROUGH ITS PAGES SEEIN OF THE DIFFERENT THINGS THAT'S HAPPENED IN ALL AGES"
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"There we'd set and argufy most every market day, Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away; And many a knotty problem has put us on our mettle, Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle; Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all, I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.",
"THERE WE'D SET AND ARGUY MOST EVERY MARKET DAY CHARM TOBACKER AND WHITLAND STICKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY AND MANY A NAUGHTY PROBLEM HAS PUT US ON OUR METAL WHICH WE FELT IT WAS OUR DUTY TO DULY SOLVE AND SETTLE THEN AFTER THEY HAD SAID THEY'RE SAY WHO THOUGHT THEY KNOWED IT ALL I'D FLOOR EM WITH SOME FACTS I'D GOT FROM MY OLD YELLER ALMANAC HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL"
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"tever cum my way, And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween me and mother, 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round a rainy day. Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt no end of books, Some made fer useful readin' and some jist made fer looks; But of all the different books I've read, thar's none comes up at all To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. I've always liked amusement, of the good and wholesome kind, It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the mind; So, often of an evening, when the farm chores all were done, I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh how I liked the fun; And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they showed at our Town Hall, A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. Wall I went down to see 'em, but their jokes, I knowed 'em all, Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers, Used to meet down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.",
"HER SO I'VE READ PROMISCUS LIKE WHATEVER COME MY WAY AN MANY A FRIENDLY ARGUMENT'S COME UP TWEEN ME AN MOTHER BOUT THINGS AN I'VE BEEN READIN SETTIN ROUND A RAINY DAY SOMETIMES IT JEST SEEMED TO ME THAT THAR WARN'T NO ANDY BOOKS SOME MADE FOR USEFUL READIN AN SOME JEST MADE FOR LOOKS BUT OF ALL THE DIFFERENT BOOKS I'VE READ THERE'S NONE COMES UP AT ALL TO MY OLD YELLER ALMANACK HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL I'VE ALWAYS LIKED AMUSEMENT OF THE GOOD AND WHOLESOME KIND IT'S BETTER THAN A DOCTOR AND IT ELEVATES THE MIND SO OFTEN OF AN EVENING WHEN THE FARM CHORES ALL WERE DONE I JOINED THE GAMES THE BOYS WOULD PLAY GOSH HOW I LIKED THE FUN AND ONCE THERE WAS A MINSTREL TROOP THEY SHOWED AT OUR TOWN HALL A JOLLY LOT OF FELLERS BOUT TWENTY OF EM ALL WELL I WENT DOWN TO SEE EM BUT THEIR JOKES I KNOWED EM ALL READ EM IN MY OLD YELLER ALMANAC HANGIN ON THE KITCHEN WALL THAR WAS EZRA HOPKINS DEACON BROWN AND A LOT OF US OLD CODGERS USED TO MEET DOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE WHAT WAS KEPT BY JASON ROGERS"
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"I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one.",
"I HAD MY TICKET IN MY HAT AND I PUT MY HEAD OUT THE WINDER TO LOOK AT SOMETHING WHEN THE WIND BLEW MY HAT OFF AND I LOST THE DURNED OLD TICKET WELL THE CONDUCTOR MADE ME BUY ANOTHER ONE"
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"at button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped twice.",
"ART STORE BY THAT BUTTON THAR WARN'T ANOTHER ONE LIKE IT IN PUNKIN CENTRE AN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE KIND OF DOUBTFUL IF THEY'D HAVE ANY LIKE IT IN NEW YORK WELL I SEE ONCE STUCK RIGHT IN THE WALL SO I TRIED TO GIT IT OUT WITH MY JACK KNIFE WHEN ALONG CAME THAT DURNED BLACK JUMPIN JACK DRESSED IN SOLDIER CLOTHES AND AST ME WHAT I WANTED AND I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING PARTICLER THEN HE TOLD ME TO QUIT RINGIN THE BELL CAUSE HE WAS A LITTLE CRAZY I DIDN'T SEE NO BELL WELL FINALLY I GOT MY CLOTHES ON AND I WENT INTO A ROOM WHERE THEY HAD A ROW OF LITTLE TROUGHS TO WASH IN AND FAST AS I COULD PUMP WATER IN THE DURNED THING IT RUN OUT OF A LITTLE HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE TROUGH SO I JEST HAD TO GRAB A HANDFUL AND THEN PUMP SOME MORE WELL AFTER THAT THINGS WENT ALONG PURTY WELL FOR A RIGHT SMART WHILE THEN I ET A SNACK OUT OF MY CARPET BAG AND FELT PURTY GOOD WELL THAT TRAIN GOT TO RUNNIN SLOWER AND SLOWER TILL IT STOPPED AT EVERY HOUSE AND WHEN IT CUM TO A DOUBLE HOUSE IT STOPPED TWICE"
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"I spose as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you.",
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"wed them all, Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. So now I've bin to New York, and all your sights I've seen, I s'pose that to you city folks I must look most awful green, Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I walked round the town, Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't Mr. Hiram Brown. I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung onto the straps, When we flew around the corners, sat on other peoples' laps, Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, Read about your city in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me.",
" SECTION ZERO OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES BY COLONEL STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK WELL FOR A LONG TIME I HAD MY MIND MADE UP THAT I'D COME DOWN TO NEW YORK AND SO A SHORT TIME AGO AS I HAD MY CROPS ALL GATHERED IN AND PRODUCE SOLD I CALCULATED AS HOW IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO COME DOWN HERE FOLKS AT HOME SAID I'D BE BUNKLED OR HAVE MY POCKETS PICKED FORE I'D BEEN HERE MORE'N HALF AN HOUR WELL I FOOLED EM A LITTLE BIT I WAS HERE THREE DAYS AFORE THEY BUNCOED ME"
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"Then they handed me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.",
"THEN THEY HANDED ME SOMETHIN WHAT THEY CALLED ICE CREAM LOOKED TO ME LIKE A HUNK O CASTILE SOAP WELL I STUCK MY FORK IN IT AND TRIED TO BITE IT AND IT SLIPPED OFF AND GOT INSIDE MY VEST AND IN LESS THAN A MINUTE I WAS FROZE FROM MY CHIN TO MY TOES I GUESS I CUT A CAPER AT HENRY'S HOUSE"
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"that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the german, but I told her I only danced in English. Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another what they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'.",
"CALKILIAN AND THAT WAS WHERE I WAS RIGHT TO HUM I JEST POPPED OUT ON THE FLOOR BALANCED THE PARDNERS SWUNG ON THE CORNERS AND CUT UP MORE CAPERS THAN ANY YOUNG FELLER THAR IT JEST LOOKED AS IF ALL THE LADIES WANTED TO DANCE WITH ME ONE LADY WANTED TO KNOW IF I DANCED THE GERMAN BUT I TOLD HER I ONLY DANCED IN ENGLISH WELL AFTER THAT WE HAD SOMETHING TO EAT IN THE DINING ROOM AND I HADN'T ANY MORE GOT SOT DOWN AND GOT TO EATIN RIGHT GOOD WHEN THAT DURNED FOOL WITH THE KNEEBREECHES OWN INSULTED ME HE HANDED ME A LITTLE WASH BOW WITH A TOWEL ROUND IT AND I TOLD HIM HE DIDN'T NEED TO CAST ANY INSINUATIONS AT ME CAUSE I WASHED MY HANDS AFORE I COME IN IF IT HADN'T A BEEN IN HENRY'S HOUSE I'D A TOOK A WRESTLE OUT OF IM WALL THEY HAD A LOT OF FERRIN DISHES SOMETHIN WHAT THEY CALLED BEEF ALL OVER MUD AN ANOTHER WHAT THEY CALLED A CHARLOTTE OR RUSIAH LITTLE SHAVING MUG MADE OUT A CAKIN FULL OF SWEETENED LEATHER WELL THAT WAS MIGHTY GOOD EATIN THOUGH IT TOOK A LOT OF THEM THEY WASN'T VERY FILLIN"
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"Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back.",
"WELL I GOT A FELLER TO LOOK UP HIS NAME IN THE CITY ALMANAC AN HE SHOWED ME WHERE HENRY LIVED WAY UP ON A STREET CALLED AVENUE FIVE WELL WHEN I I SEEN HENRY'S HOUSE IT JEST ABOUT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY I WAS THAT CLAR SOT BACK"
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", and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but I got here at last. Uncle Josh in Society WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time.",
" SECTION ZERO THREE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDED BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY WELL I DIDN'T SUPPOSE WHEN I COME DOWN HERE TO NEW YORK THAT I WAS A GOIN TO FLOP RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF HIGH TONED SOCIETY BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST ABOUT WHAT I DONE YOU SEE I HAD AN OLD FRIEND A LIVIN DOWN HERE NAMED HENRY HIGGINS AN I WANTED TO SEE HENRY MIGHTY BAD HENRY AN ME WE WAS BOYS TOGETHER DOWN HOME AT PUNKIN CENTER AN I HADN'T SEEN HIM IN A LONG TIME"
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". Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, \"everybody over to this end of the hall.\" Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at him when that feller what had charge sed, \"right this way everybody,\" and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way-- Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, And I cum within one of not bein' here, The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, It happened some time 'bout last December. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo la ri do.",
" I POPPED THE QUESTION TO SOME ANTHY WELL THEN I LOOKED AROUND A SPELL LONGER AND THERE WAS A FELLER WHAT THEY CALLED THE HUMAN PINCUSHION AN HE WAS STUCK CHALK FULL OF NEEDLES AND PINS AN LOOKED LIKE A HEDGEHOG HE'D BE A MIGHTY HANDY FELLER AT A QUILTING WELL THEN A FELLER COME ALONG AND SAID EVERYBODY OVER TO THIS END O THE HALL WELL I WENT ALONG WITH THE REST OF EM AN DURNED MY BUTTONS IF THERE WARN'T A FELLER THAT HAD MORE PICTURES PAINTED ON HIM THAN THERE ARE IN A STORYBOOK WELL I JEST GOT TO LOOKIN AT HIM WHEN THAT FELLER WOT HAD CHARGED SAID RIGHT THIS WAY EVERYBODY AND WE ALL WENT IN TO WHERE THEY WAS HAVIN THE THEATER DOIN'S AND I GOT SOT DOWN AND A FELLER COME OUT AN SUNG A SONG I HADN'T HEERD SINCE I WAS A YOUNGSTER NEER AS I CAN REMEMBER IT SORT O WENT THIS WAY KIND FRIENDS I HADN'T HAD BUT ONE SLEIGH RIDE THIS YEAR AND I COME WITHIN ONE NOT BEIN HERE THE FACTS I RELATE NEAR AS I CAN REMEMBER IT HAPPENED SOME TIME ABOUT LAST DECEMBER LE TOUR ALOO A LOUDE LE TOURAL A RIDE O"
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" thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went right up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, \"everybody over to this end of the hall.\" Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is in a story book.",
"FFIN STOCK OF EVER ONE IN THAR I NOTICED A FELLER A SOTTIN THERE GETTIN HIS BOOTS BLACKED AND THERE WAS A DURNED LITTLE PICKPOCKET A PICK IN HIS POCKETS WELL I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM GIT ROBBED SO I WENT RIGHT UP TO HIM AND I SAID LOOK OUT MISTER YOU ARE GETTIN YOUR POCKETS BIGGED WELL SIR THAT DURNED CUSS NEVER SAID A WORD AND EVERYBODY COMMENCED TO LAUGH I LOOKED ROUND TO SEE WHAT THEY WAS A LAUGHIN AT AND IT WARN'T NO MAN AT ALL NOTHIN ONLY A DURNED OLD WAX FIGURE I NEVER FELT SO DURNED FOOLISH SENCE THE DAY I POPPED THE QUESTION TO SOME ANTHY WELL THEN I LOOKED AROUND A SPELL LONGER AND THERE WAS A FELLER WHAT THEY CALLED THE HUMAN PINCUSHION AN HE WAS STUCK CHALK FULL OF NEEDLES AND PINS AN LOOKED LIKE A HEDGEHOG HE'D BE A MIGHTY HANDY FELLER AT A QUILTING WELL THEN A FELLER COME ALONG AND SAID EVERYBODY OVER TO THIS END O THE HALL WELL I WENT ALONG WITH THE REST OF EM AN DURNED MY BUTTONS IF THERE WARN'T A FELLER THAT HAD MORE PICTURES PAINTED ON HIM THAN THERE ARE IN A STORYBOOK"
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"p agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time he'd hit him he'd say, \"Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say Uncle Josh.\" Uncle Josh in Wall Street I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the menagery down here. He sed \"what menagery?\" I sed the place whar they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'.",
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"ne day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time he'd hit him he'd say, \"Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say Uncle Josh.\" Uncle Josh in Wall Street I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock.",
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"bought one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say \"Uncle Josh,\" but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time he'd hit him he'd say, \"Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say Uncle Josh.\" Uncle Josh in Wall Street I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see.",
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"y all drove away, and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and one of them sed \"what are you holdin' this man fer?\" and I told him I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.",
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"Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out bid me; but finally they put up an old fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it fust rate.",
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" SECTION ZERO EIGHT OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY CARL STUART THIS LIVER OF OX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM I'D SEEN A GOOD MANY FUNNY THINGS IN NEW YORK AT ONE TIME AND ANOTHER SO THE LAST DAY I WAS THAR I WAS A PACKIN UP MY TRAPS AND GETTING READY TO GO HOME WHEN I JEST CONCLUDED I'D GO OUT AN BUY SOMETHING TO REMEMBER NEW YORK BY WELL I WAS WALKIN DOWN THE STREET WHEN I COME TO A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS AUCTIONEERING OFF A LOT OF THINGS I STOPPED TO SEE WHAT THEY HAD TO SELL WELL THAT PLACE WAS JEST CHUCK FULL OF OLD FASHIONED CURIOSITIES I SAW AN OL BOOK THAR THEY SAID IT WAS FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND IT BELONGED AT ONE TIME TO LOUIS THE SEVENTEENTH OR EIGHTEENTH THERE SOME OF THEM OLD RASCALS DURNED IF I B'LIEVE ANYBODY COULD READ IT"
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"Wall, I wuz a standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever seen in my life.",
"WELL I WAS A STANDING THERE ONE DAY WATCHIN THE PEOPLE AN THE THINGS GO BY WHEN ALL TO ONCE TO LONG COME THE DURNEDEST LOOKIN CONTRACTION I CALCULATE I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE"
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"hat's the matter with you?\" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed \"make it ten,\" another sed \"give you twenty,\" and another sed \"go you twenty-five.\" Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it. Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five.",
" SECTION SEW NINE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIBER OF OX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDED BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE BUS I WAS ALWAYS SORT OF FOND OF RIDIN SO I GUESS WHILE I WAS DOWN IN NEW YORK I ROLLED ON ABOUT EVERYTHING THEY'VE GOT TO RIDE ON THAR I WAS ON HOSS CARS AND HOT AIRCARS AND IN SKYLIGHT ELEVATED ROADS WELL I HAD JUST ABOUT COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT EVERY STREET IN NEW YORK HAD A DIFFERENT KIND OF A STREET CAR ON IT BUT I FOUND ONE THAT DIDN'T HAVE CARS OF ANY KIND I THINK THEY CALL IT AVENUE FIVE"
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"Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish in all my life.",
"WELL I CHASED THAT DURNED LITTLE BASKET AROUND TILL I GOT UP TO IT AND WHEN I DID I WAS RIGHT THAR WHERE I STARTED FROM GEE WIZ I NEVER FELT MORE FOOLISH IN MY LIFE"
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"how me round 'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed \"Oh you git out, you've got hay seed in your hair.\" Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, \"jist step this way, please.\" Wall he showed me round and I bought what I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then some one commenced to holler \"CASH\" and I sed yep, that's what I'm after.",
"SORT OF A STRANGER ROUND HERE WISH YOU'D SHOW ME AROUND TILL I DO A LITTLE BARGAINING AND HE SAID OH YOU GIT OUT YOU GOT HAYSEED IN YOUR HAIR WELL I JEST LOOKED AT THAT BALD HEAD OF HIS'N AND I SAID WELL NOW YOU HAIN'T GOT ANY HAYSEED IN YER HAIR HAVE YE EVERYBODY COMMENCED A LAFFIN AN HE GOT PURTY RIPE SO HE SAID SMART LIKE JEST STEP THIS WAY PLEASE WELL HE SHOWED ME AROUND AN I BOUGHT WHAT I WANTED AND WHEN I CUM TO PAY THE FELLER WHAT I HAD TO PAY IT DIDN'T LOOK AS THOUGH I WAS A GOIN TO GET ANY OF MY MONEY BACK I HANDED HIM A TEN DOLLAR BILL AN HE JEST TOOK IT AND PUT IT IN A LITTLE BASKET AND HITCHED IT ON TO A WHAR AND THE DARNED THING COMMENCED RUNNIN ALL OVER THE STORE WELL NOW YOU CAN JUST BET YOUR BOOTS I LIT OUT RIGHT AFTER IT I CHASED IT UP ONE SIDE AND DOWN THE OTHER I KNOCKED DOWN FIVE OR SIX WOMEN CLERKS AN UPSET FIVE OR SIX BARGAIN COUNTERS I TOOK A RASCLE OUT OF THAT BALD HEADED FELLER AN JEST THEN SOME ONE COMMENCED TO HOLLER CASH AND I SAID YEP THAT'S WHAT I AM AFTER"
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"Wall now I don't think much of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether.",
"WELL NOW I DON'T THINK MUCH OF A MAN WOT THROWS A BANAN PEELIN ON THE SIDEWALK AND I DON'T THINK MUCH OF A BANANANDER WHAT THROWS A MAN ON THE SIDEWALK NEITHER"
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"hness with me I'd flop him in about a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: \"Now look here, honest injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?\" I sed: \"Yes, sir, that's jist what I done,\" and he sed, \"Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you want?\" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole durned outfit. Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy Uncle Josh in a Department Store ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find one of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what thar is on earth, and he sed \"I guess you mean a department store, don't you?\" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments at one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some caliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, and wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some feller throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk.",
" SECTION TEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVERPOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE ONE DAY WHILE I WAS IN NEW YORK I SAID TO A FELLER NOW WHERE CAN I FIND ONE OF THEM STORES WHERE THEY HAVE PURTY NEAR EVERYTHING TO SELL WHAT THERE IS ON EARTH AND HE SAID I GUESS YOU MEAN A DEPARTMENT STORE DON'T YE I SAID WELL I DON'T KNOW BOUT THAT THEY MAY SELL DEPARTMENTS AT ONE O THEM STORES BUT WHAT I WANT TO GET IS SOME MUSLIN AND SOME CALICER WELL HE SHOWED ME WHICH WAY TO GO AND I STARTED OUT AND WAS WALKIN ALONG DOWN THE STREET LOOKIN AT THINGS WHEN SOME FELLER THROWED A BANAN PEELIN ON THE SIDEWALK"
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"Now, any feller what gits his boots blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine blacked on the outside.",
"NOW ANY FELLER WOT GITS HIS BOOTS BLACKED ON THE INSIDE AIN'T GOT MUCH RESPECT FUR HIS SOCKS I GET MINE BLACK ON THE OUTSIDE"
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"he street one day and I seen a sine, it sed \"Quick Lunch.\" Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed one sine sed \"Put your trust in the Lord,\" and right under it wuz another sine what sed \"Try our mince pies.\" Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you want to put your trust in the Lord. Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist tickled me, it sed, \"Frog in your throat 10C.\" I wouldn't put one of them critters in my throat fer ten dollars. Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what sed \"Boots blacked on the inside.",
"Y LIFE I WAS WALKIN DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY AND I SEEN A SIGN IT SAID QUICK LUNCH WELL I FELT A LITTLE HUNGRY SO I WENT INTO THE RESTAURANT OR BOARD'N HOUSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT AND THEY HAD SOME SIGNS HANGING ON THE WALLS IN THERE THAT JUST ABOUT MADE ME LAUGH ALL OVER I NOTICED ONE SIGN SAID PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD AND RIGHT UNDER IT WAS ANOTHER SIGN WHAT SAID TRY OUR MINCE PIES WELL I TRIED ONE OF THEM AND I WANTA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU EAT MANY OF THEM MINCE PIES YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD WELL I GOT OUT THAR AN I WALKED ALONG FOR QUITE A SPELL AND FINALLY I CUM TO A STORE WHAT I HAD A LOT O RED WHITE AND BLUE AND YELLER AND PURPLE LIGHTS IN THE WINDER WELL I STOPPED TO LOOK AT IT CAUSE IT WAS A PURTY THING AND THEY HAD A SIGN IN THAT WINDER THAT JEST TICKLED ME IT SAID FROG IN YOUR THROAT TEN CENTS I WOULDN'T PUT ONE OF THEM CRITTERS IN MY THROAT FOR TEN DOLLARS WELL JIST A LITTLE FURTHER UP THE STREET I SEEN ANOTHER SIGN WHAT SAID BOOTS BLACKED ON THE INSIDE"
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"Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you want to put your trust in the Lord.",
"WELL I TRIED ONE OF THEM AND I WANTA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU EAT MANY OF THEM MINCE PIES YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD"
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". Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish in all my life. Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny as anything I ever seen in my life. I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed \"Quick Lunch.\" Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed one sine sed \"Put your trust in the Lord,\" and right under it wuz another sine what sed \"Try our mince pies.",
" SECTION ELEVEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK I SEEN A GOOD MANY FUNNY THINGS WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORK BUT I THINK SOME OF THE SIGNS WHAT THEY GOT ON SOME OF THE BUILDINGS ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS ANYTHING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I WAS WALKIN DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY AND I SEEN A SIGN IT SAID QUICK LUNCH WELL I FELT A LITTLE HUNGRY SO I WENT INTO THE RESTAURANT OR BOARD'N HOUSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT AND THEY HAD SOME SIGNS HANGING ON THE WALLS IN THERE THAT JUST ABOUT MADE ME LAUGH ALL OVER I NOTICED ONE SIGN SAID PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD AND RIGHT UNDER IT WAS ANOTHER SIGN WHAT SAID TRY OUR MINCE PIES"
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" BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK I SEEN A GOOD MANY FUNNY THINGS WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORK BUT I THINK SOME OF THE SIGNS WHAT THEY GOT ON SOME OF THE BUILDINGS ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS ANYTHING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I WAS WALKIN DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY AND I SEEN A SIGN IT SAID QUICK LUNCH WELL I FELT A LITTLE HUNGRY SO I WENT INTO THE RESTAURANT OR BOARD'N HOUSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT AND THEY HAD SOME SIGNS HANGING ON THE WALLS IN THERE THAT JUST ABOUT MADE ME LAUGH ALL OVER I NOTICED ONE SIGN SAID PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD AND RIGHT UNDER IT WAS ANOTHER SIGN WHAT SAID TRY OUR MINCE PIES WELL I TRIED ONE OF THEM AND I WANTA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU EAT MANY OF THEM MINCE PIES YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR TRUST IN THE LORD WELL I GOT OUT THAR AN I WALKED ALONG FOR QUITE A SPELL AND FINALLY I CUM TO A STORE WHAT I HAD A LOT O RED WHITE AND BLUE AND YELLER AND PURPLE LIGHTS IN THE WINDER"
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" out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then some one commenced to holler \"CASH\" and I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish in all my life. Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny as anything I ever seen in my life. I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed \"Quick Lunch.\" Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over.",
" SECTION ELEVEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK I SEEN A GOOD MANY FUNNY THINGS WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORK BUT I THINK SOME OF THE SIGNS WHAT THEY GOT ON SOME OF THE BUILDINGS ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS ANYTHING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I WAS WALKIN DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY AND I SEEN A SIGN IT SAID QUICK LUNCH WELL I FELT A LITTLE HUNGRY SO I WENT INTO THE RESTAURANT OR BOARD'N HOUSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT AND THEY HAD SOME SIGNS HANGING ON THE WALLS IN THERE THAT JUST ABOUT MADE ME LAUGH ALL OVER"
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"Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em.",
"WALL I WANT A RIDIN ON EM NEAR AS MUCH AS I WAS A RUNNIN AFTER EM TRYIN TO CATCH EM"
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" a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all. A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, \"This is the door.\" Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen another sine what sed \"Walk in.\" Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine sed, \"Cast iron sinks.\" Wall, now, any durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one feel his head and find out what ails him. Uncle Josh on a Street Car NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar.",
" SECTION TWELVE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY CARNES STUART THIS LIBERAL BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR NOW I'LL JEST BET I HAD MORE FUN TO THE SQUIRE INCH WHILE I WAS IN NEW YORK THAN ANY OLD FELLER WHART EVER BROKE OUT OF A NEW ENGLAND SMOKE HOUSE I HAD A LITTLE OF THE DURNED DIS TIME A RIDININ ON THEM STREET COURSE WOT THEY GOT THAR"
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"So I got holt of a strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed \"old man, you'r goin' to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?\" I sed, \"guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar.\"",
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" iron sinks.\" Wall, now, any durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one feel his head and find out what ails him. Uncle Josh on a Street Car NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one of them little harness straps along side of the car.",
" SECTION TWELVE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY CARNES STUART THIS LIBERAL BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR NOW I'LL JEST BET I HAD MORE FUN TO THE SQUIRE INCH WHILE I WAS IN NEW YORK THAN ANY OLD FELLER WHART EVER BROKE OUT OF A NEW ENGLAND SMOKE HOUSE I HAD A LITTLE OF THE DURNED DIS TIME A RIDININ ON THEM STREET COURSE WOT THEY GOT THAR WALL I WANT A RIDIN ON EM NEAR AS MUCH AS I WAS A RUNNIN AFTER EM TRYIN TO CATCH EM GOSH I WAS A RUNNIN AFTER STREET CARS AN FIRE INJUNS AN EVERY DURNED THING WITH RED WHEELS ON IT I CALCULATE I RUN ABOUT A MILE AN A HALF AFTER A FELLER ONE DAY TO TELL HIM THE WATER WHAT HE HAD IN HIS WAGON WAS ALL LEAKIN OUT AND WHEN I CALLED UP TO HIM I FOUND OUT IT WAS A DURNED OLD SPRINKLIN CART WELL I GOT ON ONE OF THEM STREET CARS ONE DAY AN IT WAS PURTY CROWDED AN THERE WARN'T ANY PLACE FOR ME TO SOT DOWN SO I HAD TO HANG ON ONE OF THEM LITTLE HARNESS STRAPS ALONGSIDE OF THE CAR"
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"So Si sed: \"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep.\" And Lige sed: \"Milk be durned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give any milk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I've pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow.\"",
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"cer sed: \"Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water.\" Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: \"Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow.\" And Lige sed: \"Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it.\" Si sed: \"Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you.\" And Lige sed: \"Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et her head off two or three times since then.",
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"Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore.",
"WELL I USED TO BE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE DOWN HOME AT PUNKIN CENTRE AND I WAS A LITTLE ANXIOUS TO SEE HOW THEY HAD A LAW AND JUSTICE IN NEW YORK CITY SO ONE MORNIN I WENT DOWN TO ONE O THEM COURT HOUSES AND THERE WAS MORE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THERE THAN I EVER SEEN AFORE"
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"as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust If I didn't git right out of doors. But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, And I couldn't get one way or tother, And I jist had to stand right there in one spot And holler like thunder fer mother. But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise Fer I larned right thar on the spot, That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world Is that by experience taught. So though many years have since passed away, And I've ventured on various routes, I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today As my fust pair of copper toed boots. Uncle Josh in Police Court I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now.",
" SECTION FOURTEEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY CARLE STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT I NEVER WAS IN A TOWN IN MY LIFE WANT HAD AS MANY COURT HOUSES IN IT AS NEW YORK HAS GOT IT JUST SEEMED TO ME LIKE EVERY JUDGE IN NEW YORK HAD A COURT HOUSE OF HIS OWN AND MOST OF THEM COURT HOUSES SEEMED TO BE ALONGSIDE O SOME MARKET HOUSE THERE WAS THE JEFFERSON MARKET COURT AND THE ESSEX MARKET COURT AND SEVERAL OTHER COURTS AND MARKETS AND MARKETS AND COURTS I CAN'T REMEMBER NOW"
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"e Judge sed: \"Never mind, that will do. Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?\" And the officer sed: \"Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water.\" Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: \"Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow.\" And Lige sed: \"Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it.\" Si sed: \"Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you.",
"T NITIN THAT NAME IS Z THE JUDGE SAID NEVER MIND THAT'LL DO OFFICER WHAT IS THIS PRISONER CHARGED WITH AND THE OFFICER SAID JUDGE YOUR HONOR THE WAY HE TALKS SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE MIGHT BE CHARGED WITH SODIE WATER GUFF SHOT TO LAUGHING SO I HAD TO GET RIGHT OUT OF THE COURT HOUSE IT SORT OF MADE ME THINK OF THE LAW SUIT WE HAD DOWN HOME WHEN JIM LAWSON WAS JUST AS OF THE PIECE YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS ONE SPRING SI PETINGILL WAS GOIN OUT TO MISSOURI TO BE GONE ABOUT A YEAR AND HE HAD SOLD OFF ABOUT ALL HIS THINGS CEPT ONE COW AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO PART WITH THE COW CAUSE SHE WAS A MIGHTY GOOD MILKER SO HE STRUCK A BARGAIN WITH LIGE WILLECK LIGE WAS TO KEEP THE COW PASTURE AND FEEDER AND GENERALLY TAKE CARE ON HIM FOR THE MILK SHE GIVES WELL FINALLY SIH COME HOME AND HE WENT TO LODGE'S PLACE ONE DAY AND SAID WELL LIDGE I'VE COME OVER TO GET MY COW AND LID SAID COME AFTER YOUR COW WELL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY COW ROUND HERE I'LL BE DURNED IF I KNOW IT SO I SAID WELL LODGE I LEFT MY COW WITH YOU"
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"Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: \"Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow.\" And Lige sed: \"Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it.\" Si sed: \"Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you.\"",
"WELL FINALLY SIH COME HOME AND HE WENT TO LODGE'S PLACE ONE DAY AND SAID WELL LIDGE I'VE COME OVER TO GET MY COW AND LID SAID COME AFTER YOUR COW WELL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY COW ROUND HERE I'LL BE DURNED IF I KNOW IT SO I SAID WELL LODGE I LEFT MY COW WITH YOU"
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" they brought in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: \"Prisoner, what is your name?\" And the prisoner sed: \"Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name is-is-is----.\" The Judge sed: \"Never mind, that will do. Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?\" And the officer sed: \"Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water.\" Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv.",
"RISONER WELL THE NEXT PRISONER WHAT THEY BROUGHT IN HAD SORT OF A IMPEDIMENT IN HIS TALK AND THE WAY HE STUTTERED JUST BEAT ALL THE JUDGE SAID PRISONER WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND THE PRISONER SAID TO GITU DEJUDGE YOU GIT YOU YER AUNT ON YOUR MUMMA MAMA MIND THAT NITIN THAT NAME IS Z THE JUDGE SAID NEVER MIND THAT'LL DO OFFICER WHAT IS THIS PRISONER CHARGED WITH AND THE OFFICER SAID JUDGE YOUR HONOR THE WAY HE TALKS SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE MIGHT BE CHARGED WITH SODIE WATER GUFF SHOT TO LAUGHING SO I HAD TO GET RIGHT OUT OF THE COURT HOUSE IT SORT OF MADE ME THINK OF THE LAW SUIT WE HAD DOWN HOME WHEN JIM LAWSON WAS JUST AS OF THE PIECE YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS ONE SPRING SI PETINGILL WAS GOIN OUT TO MISSOURI TO BE GONE ABOUT A YEAR AND HE HAD SOLD OFF ABOUT ALL HIS THINGS CEPT ONE COW AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO PART WITH THE COW CAUSE SHE WAS A MIGHTY GOOD MILKER SO HE STRUCK A BARGAIN WITH LIGE WILLECK LIGE WAS TO KEEP THE COW PASTURE AND FEEDER AND GENERALLY TAKE CARE ON HIM FOR THE MILK SHE GIVES"
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"Wall I alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left us.",
"WALL I LOWED THAT UD BE RIGHT SMART FUN SO I GOT INTO ONE OF THE BOATS ALONG WITH A LOT A OTHER FOLKS I NEVER SEED BEFORE AND DON'T CARE EF I NEVER SEE AGAIN THEY YANKED US UP TO THE TOP OF THAT TROUGH AND THEN TURNED US LOOSE AND I JUST FELT AS THOUGH THE WHOLE EARTH HAD RUN OFF AND LEFT US"
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"urndest bump you ever got in your life. Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he put it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He sed, \"didn't you see that sign on the car?\" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez \"you better go out and look at it.\" Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed \"This car goes to Coney Iland without change.\" Guess it did; I'll be durned if I got any. Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place what they called \"Shoot the Shoots.\" It looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond.",
" IF THEY DON'T YOU'LL GIT THE DURNEDEST BUMP YOU EVER GOT IN YOUR LIFE WELL WE GOT ON T'OTHER SIDE AND I GOT ON ONE OF THEM TRY THE LAWLEY CARS THAT GOES DOWN TO CONEY ISLAND I GAVE THE FELLER A DOLLAR AN HE PUT IT IN HIS POCKET JUST THE SAME AS IF IT BELONGED TO HIM WELL WHEN I WAS GETTIN PRETTY NEAR THERE I SAID MISTER DON'T I GET ANY CHANGE HE SAID DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN ON THE CAR I SAID NO SIR WELL HE SAYS YOU BETTER GO AND LOOK AT IT WELL I WENT OUT AN LOOKED AT IT AND THAT SETTLED IT IT SAID THIS CAR GOES TO CONEY ISLAND WITHOUT CHANGE GUESS IT DID I'D BE DURNED IF I GOT ANY WELL WE WENT DOWN THAR AND I MUST SAY OF ALL THE PANDEMONIUM AND HUBBUB I EVER HEERD IN MY LIFE CONEY ISLAND BEATS IT ALL BOUT THE FUST THING I SEEN THAR WAS A PLACE WHAT THEY CALL SHOOT THE SHOOTS IT LOOKED LIKE A BIG HORSE TROUGH STOOD ON END ONE END IN A DUCK POND AN T'OTHER END UP IN THE IRON AND THEY WOULD HAUL A BOAT UP TO THE TOP AND ALL GET IN AND THEN COME SCOOTIN DOWN THE HOSS TROUGH INTO THE POND"
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"But she jist hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the water, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered \"save me, I'm jist a drownin'.\"",
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"led it. It sed \"This car goes to Coney Iland without change.\" Guess it did; I'll be durned if I got any. Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place what they called \"Shoot the Shoots.\" It looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of me you brazen female critter.",
"ED AT IT AND THAT SETTLED IT IT SAID THIS CAR GOES TO CONEY ISLAND WITHOUT CHANGE GUESS IT DID I'D BE DURNED IF I GOT ANY WELL WE WENT DOWN THAR AND I MUST SAY OF ALL THE PANDEMONIUM AND HUBBUB I EVER HEERD IN MY LIFE CONEY ISLAND BEATS IT ALL BOUT THE FUST THING I SEEN THAR WAS A PLACE WHAT THEY CALL SHOOT THE SHOOTS IT LOOKED LIKE A BIG HORSE TROUGH STOOD ON END ONE END IN A DUCK POND AN T'OTHER END UP IN THE IRON AND THEY WOULD HAUL A BOAT UP TO THE TOP AND ALL GET IN AND THEN COME SCOOTIN DOWN THE HOSS TROUGH INTO THE POND WALL I LOWED THAT UD BE RIGHT SMART FUN SO I GOT INTO ONE OF THE BOATS ALONG WITH A LOT A OTHER FOLKS I NEVER SEED BEFORE AND DON'T CARE EF I NEVER SEE AGAIN THEY YANKED US UP TO THE TOP OF THAT TROUGH AND THEN TURNED US LOOSE AND I JUST FELT AS THOUGH THE WHOLE EARTH HAD RUN OFF AND LEFT US WE WENT DOWN THAT TROUGH LICKETY SPLIT AND A WOMAN WHO WAS SETTIN ALONGSIDE OF ME GOT SKEERED AND GRABBED ME ROUND THE NECK AND I SAID YOU LET GO ME YOU BRAZEN FEMALE CRITTER"
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"One of the Skinner girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' like this: How nice to hear the bumble bee When you go out a fishin', But if you happen to sot down on him, He'll spoil your disposition.",
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"all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place 'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I wouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and went out. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what happened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teacher got all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essays and the girls recited poetry.",
"IN TO FIDDLING AND TOOTIN AND ALL AT ONCE THEY PULLED THE THEATRE UP AND THERE WAS A LOT OF FOLKS HAVIN A REGULAR FAMILY QUARREL I KNOWED THAT WASN'T ANY OF MY BUSINESS AND I SORT OF FELT UNEASY LIKE BUT NONE O THE REST OF THE FOLKS SEEMED TO MIND IT IN IT SO I CALCULATED I'D SEE HOW I COME OUT THO MY HAND SORT O ITCHED TO GET HOLD O ONE FELLER CAUSE I COULD SEE IF HE WOULD JEST GO AWAY AN TEND TO HIS OWN BUSINESS THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY QUARREL WELL JUST THEN A YOUNG FELLER HANDED ME A PIECE OF PAPER WART TOLD ALL ABOUT THE THEATRE DUNS AN I GOT TO LOOKIN AT THAT AN I NOTICED ON IT WHAR IT SAID THERE WAS FIVE YEARS TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE FIRST PART AND THE SECOND PART WHY NO DURN WELL I WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT AND SEE THE SECOND PART SO I GOT UP AND WENT OUT WELL THEM THEATRE DOES JEST PUT ME IN MIND OF SOMETHING WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HOME ON THE LAST DAY'S SCHOOL YOU SEE THE SCHOOL TEACHER GOT ALL THE BIG BOYS AND THE BIG GIRLS AND THE BOYS THEY READ ESSAYS AND THE GIRLS RECITED POETRY"
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"WELL JUST THEN A YOUNG FELLER HANDED ME A PIECE OF PAPER WART TOLD ALL ABOUT THE THEATRE DUNS AN I GOT TO LOOKIN AT THAT AN I NOTICED ON IT WHAR IT SAID THERE WAS FIVE YEARS TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE FIRST PART AND THE SECOND PART"
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"ey went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the gun and shot the dog. Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin' at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't be any quarrel.",
"EIR THINGS BEHIND EM WHEN THEY WENT AWAY EZ FOR HOSKINS HE GOT ONE OF THE MULES AND HE TRIED TO HITCH IT UP ONE DAY DOCTOR SAYS HE THINKS AZURE WILL BE BACK AROUND IN ABOUT SIX WEEKS I TRADED ONE OF THE DOGS TO REUBEN HENDRIX FOR A SHOTGUN RUB COME OVER T'OTHER DAY BARRED THE GUN AND SHOT THE DOG WELL I GOT INTO ONE OF YOUR THEATRES HERE GOT SOT DOWN AND WAS LOOKING AT IT AND IT WAS A MIGHTY FINE LOOKIN PICTURE WITH LOTS O LIGHTS SHININ ON IT AND I WAS ENJOYED IT FIRST RATE WHEN A LOT A FELLERS COME OUT WITH HORNS AND FIDDLES AND THEY ALL STARTED IN TO FIDDLING AND TOOTIN AND ALL AT ONCE THEY PULLED THE THEATRE UP AND THERE WAS A LOT OF FOLKS HAVIN A REGULAR FAMILY QUARREL I KNOWED THAT WASN'T ANY OF MY BUSINESS AND I SORT OF FELT UNEASY LIKE BUT NONE O THE REST OF THE FOLKS SEEMED TO MIND IT IN IT SO I CALCULATED I'D SEE HOW I COME OUT THO MY HAND SORT O ITCHED TO GET HOLD O ONE FELLER CAUSE I COULD SEE IF HE WOULD JEST GO AWAY AN TEND TO HIS OWN BUSINESS THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY QUARREL"
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"Then another feller cum up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring me my dinner on a plate.",
"THEN ANOTHER FELLER COME UP RIGHT SMART LIKE AND WANTED TO KNOW IF I'D HAVE MY DINNER TABLE DE HOTEL OR ALL OVER A CARD AND I TOLD HIM IF IT WAS ALL THE SAME TO HIM HE COULD BRING MY DINNER ON A PLATE"
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"o mother--now mother, when I git down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him.",
" RIGHT SMART PRETTY GOOD SIZED TAVERN AND I SAID TO MOTHER NOW MOTHER WHEN I GIT TO NEW YORK THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING TO BOARD AT MISTER DELMONICO'S WELL I GOT A FELLER TO SHOW ME WHAR IT WAS AND WHEN I GOT ON THE INSIDE I DON'T S'POSE I WAS EVER MORE SOUGHT BACK IN ALL MY LIFE GUESS YOU COULD A KNOCKED MY EYES OFF WITH A CLUB THEY STUCK OUT LIKE BUMPS ON A LOG WELL SIR THEY HAD FLOWERS AND BIRDS EVERYWHERE AND TREES A SETTIN IN WASH TUBS DIDN'T LOOK TO ME EZ THOUGH THEY WAD STAND MUCH OF A GALLE AN ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PATENT WINDMILLS RUNNIN ALL AT ONCE AN OUT IN THE WOODS SOMEWHERE THEY HAD A BAND TO PLAY IT I COULDN'T SEE EM BUT I COULD HEAR EM GUESS SOME OF EM WAS HAVIN A DANCE TO SETTLE DOWN THE DINNER I COULDN'T TELL WHETHER WUZ A SOCIETY FESTIVAL OR A CAMP MEETIN AT FEEDIN TIME WELL ONE FELLER COME UP TO ME AN COMMENCE TALKIN SOME FURRIN LANGUAGE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAN SOMETHIN ABOUT BOM SOUR MONSOOR I JEST MADE UP MY MIND HE WAS ONE OF THEM BUNCO FELLERS AN I WOULDN TALK TO HIM"
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"Wall, he handed me a programme of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so durn good in all my life.",
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"re sot back in all my life; guess you could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring me my dinner on a plate.",
"GOT ON THE INSIDE I DON'T S'POSE I WAS EVER MORE SOUGHT BACK IN ALL MY LIFE GUESS YOU COULD A KNOCKED MY EYES OFF WITH A CLUB THEY STUCK OUT LIKE BUMPS ON A LOG WELL SIR THEY HAD FLOWERS AND BIRDS EVERYWHERE AND TREES A SETTIN IN WASH TUBS DIDN'T LOOK TO ME EZ THOUGH THEY WAD STAND MUCH OF A GALLE AN ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PATENT WINDMILLS RUNNIN ALL AT ONCE AN OUT IN THE WOODS SOMEWHERE THEY HAD A BAND TO PLAY IT I COULDN'T SEE EM BUT I COULD HEAR EM GUESS SOME OF EM WAS HAVIN A DANCE TO SETTLE DOWN THE DINNER I COULDN'T TELL WHETHER WUZ A SOCIETY FESTIVAL OR A CAMP MEETIN AT FEEDIN TIME WELL ONE FELLER COME UP TO ME AN COMMENCE TALKIN SOME FURRIN LANGUAGE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAN SOMETHIN ABOUT BOM SOUR MONSOOR I JEST MADE UP MY MIND HE WAS ONE OF THEM BUNCO FELLERS AN I WOULDN TALK TO HIM THEN ANOTHER FELLER COME UP RIGHT SMART LIKE AND WANTED TO KNOW IF I'D HAVE MY DINNER TABLE DE HOTEL OR ALL OVER A CARD AND I TOLD HIM IF IT WAS ALL THE SAME TO HIM HE COULD BRING MY DINNER ON A PLATE"
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"Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log.",
"WELL I GOT A FELLER TO SHOW ME WHAR IT WAS AND WHEN I GOT ON THE INSIDE I DON'T S'POSE I WAS EVER MORE SOUGHT BACK IN ALL MY LIFE GUESS YOU COULD A KNOCKED MY EYES OFF WITH A CLUB THEY STUCK OUT LIKE BUMPS ON A LOG"
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"her one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it looked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out and got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the moon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's. Uncle Josh at Delmonico's I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here in New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I git down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.",
" SECTION SEVENTEEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER OF OX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S I USED TO HEAR THE SUMMER BOARDERS TELL A WHOLE LOT ABOUT A PLACE HERE IN NEW YORK KEPT BY MISTER DELMONICO THERE'S BEEN ABOUT TEN THOUSAND SUMMER BOARDERS DOWN THE PUNKIN CENTER ONE TIME AND ANOTHER AND I GUESS I'VE CARRIED THE BUNDLES AND STOOD THE GRUMBLING FROM ABOUT ALL OF EM AND WHEN ANY ONE OF EM WOULD FIND FAULT WITH ANYTHING I USED TO ASK HIM WHERE HE BOARDED AT IN NEW YORK AND THEY ALL TOLD ME AT MISTER DELMONICO'S SO I'D COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT MISTER DELMONICO MUST HAVE A RIGHT SMART PRETTY GOOD SIZED TAVERN AND I SAID TO MOTHER NOW MOTHER WHEN I GIT TO NEW YORK THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING TO BOARD AT MISTER DELMONICO'S"
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"I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon sour mon sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty five cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.",
"I GOT TO SING IN AND A DANCED OLD DAN TUCKER RIGHT THAR IN THE DININ' ROOM AND I TOOK A RASSELL OUT OF MISTER MONSUE OR MONSOUER AN JIST WHEN I GOT TO ENJOIN MYSELF RIGHT GOOD THEY CALLED IN A LOT OF CONSTABLES AND IT COST ME SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND FORTY FIVE CENTS AND THEN THEY TOOK ME OUT RIDIN IN A BLITTL BLUE WAGON WITH A BELL ON IT THEY KEPT RINGIN THE BELL EVER FOOT OF THE WAY TO LET FOLKS KNOW I WAS ONE OF MISTER DELMONICO'S BOARDERS"
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"bs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so durn good in all my life.",
"BIRDS EVERYWHERE AND TREES A SETTIN IN WASH TUBS DIDN'T LOOK TO ME EZ THOUGH THEY WAD STAND MUCH OF A GALLE AN ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PATENT WINDMILLS RUNNIN ALL AT ONCE AN OUT IN THE WOODS SOMEWHERE THEY HAD A BAND TO PLAY IT I COULDN'T SEE EM BUT I COULD HEAR EM GUESS SOME OF EM WAS HAVIN A DANCE TO SETTLE DOWN THE DINNER I COULDN'T TELL WHETHER WUZ A SOCIETY FESTIVAL OR A CAMP MEETIN AT FEEDIN TIME WELL ONE FELLER COME UP TO ME AN COMMENCE TALKIN SOME FURRIN LANGUAGE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAN SOMETHIN ABOUT BOM SOUR MONSOOR I JEST MADE UP MY MIND HE WAS ONE OF THEM BUNCO FELLERS AN I WOULDN TALK TO HIM THEN ANOTHER FELLER COME UP RIGHT SMART LIKE AND WANTED TO KNOW IF I'D HAVE MY DINNER TABLE DE HOTEL OR ALL OVER A CARD AND I TOLD HIM IF IT WAS ALL THE SAME TO HIM HE COULD BRING MY DINNER ON A PLATE WELL HE HANDED ME A PROGRAMME OF THE DINNER AND I ET ABOUT HALF WAY DOWN IT AND DRANK A BOTTLE OF CIDER POD HE'D GIVE ME AND IT GOT INTO MY HEAD AN I NEVER FELT SO DURNED GOOD IN ALL MY LIFE"
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"The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes you feel first rate, And there's work to keep you going from early until late; So you feel like giving praises unto Him who doeth all, Nature heaps her blessings on you at this season, and it's Fall.",
"THE WIND IS COOL AND BRACING AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL FIRST RATE AND THERE'S WORK TO KEEP YOU GOING FROM EARLIER UNTIL LATE SO YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING PRAISES UNTO HIM WHO DOETH ALL NATURE HEAPS HER BLESSINS ON YE AT THIS SEASON AND IT'S FALL"
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"inded that once again it's Fall. It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered in, The wheat is in the granary and the oats are in the bin; A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony with all, The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know it's Fall. I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the water mill, While dressed in gorgeous colors is each valley, knoll and hill; The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly wander home, And the hives are just a-bustin' with the honey in the comb. Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple paring bee, And the signs of peace and plenty are just splendid for to see; The flowers they are drooping, soon there won't be none at all, Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that I know it's Fall. The muskrat has built himself a house down by the old mill pond, The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut trees beyond; While walking through the orchard I can hear the ripe fruit fall; There's an air of quiet comfort that only comes with Fall.",
"LUE HAZE OVER ALL AND A FELLER IS REMINDED THAT ONCE AGAIN IT'S FALL IT IS A GLORIOUS SEASON THE CROPS MOST GATHERED IN THE WHEAT IS IN THE GRANARY AND THE OATS ARE IN THE BIN A FELLER JUST FEELS SPLENDID RIGHT IN HARMONY WITHAL THE OLD CIDER MILL A HUMMIN GOSH I KNOW IT'S FALL I HEAR THE BOB WHITE WHISTLIN DOWN BY THE WATER MILL WHILE DRESSED IN GORGEOUS COLORS IS EACH VALLEY KNOLL AND HILL THE COWS THEY ARE LOWIN AS THEY SLOWLY WANDER HOME AND THE HIVES ARE JUST A BUSTIN WITH THE HONEY IN THE COMB SOON BE TIME FOR HUSKIN PARTIES OR AN APPLE PEARING BEE AND THE SIGNS OF PEACE AN PLENTY ARE JUST SPLENDID FOR TO SEE THE FLOWERS THEY ARE DROOPING SOON THERE WON'T BE NONE AT ALL OLD JACK FROST HAS NIPPED HIM AND BY THAT I KNOW IT'S FALL THE MUSKRAT HAS BUILT HIMSELF A HOUSE DOWN BY THE OLD MILL POND THE SQUIRRELS ARE LAYIN UP THEIR STORE FROM THE CHESTNUT TREES BEYOND WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE ORCHARD I CAN HEAR THE RIPE FRUIT FALL THERE'S AN AIR OF QUIET COMFORT THAT ONLY COMES WITH FALL"
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"Si Pettingill's Brooms WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove Si Pettingill with a load of brooms.",
"CY PETTINGILL'S BROOMS WELL ONE DAY JUST SHORTLY AFTER SAP SEASON WAS OVER WE WAS ALL SOTTIN ROUND EZRA HOSKINS STORE TALKING ON THINGS IN GENERAL WHEN UP DROVE CY PETTINGILL WITH A LOAD OF BROOMS"
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" The muskrat has built himself a house down by the old mill pond, The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut trees beyond; While walking through the orchard I can hear the ripe fruit fall; There's an air of quiet comfort that only comes with Fall. The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes you feel first-rate, And there's work to keep you going from early until late; So you feel like giving praises unto Him who doeth all, Nature heaps her blessings on you at this season, and it's Fall. The nights are getting frosty and the fire feels pretty good, I like to see the flames creep up among the burning wood; Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot owl call, He is looking for his supper, I guess he knows its Fall. And though the year is getting old and the trees will soon be bare, There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and some to spare; For there's still some poor and needy who for our help do call, So we'll share with them our blessings and be thankful that it's Fall.",
" SECTION NINETEEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER VOXER COURTING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN"
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"Then they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud.",
"THEN THEY BROUGHT OUT A LITTLE WOODEN BALL ABOUT AS BIG AS A HEN'S EGG AND THEY STUCK IT UP ON A LITTLE HUNK OF MUD"
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"inly of thinking what we would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh Plays Golf WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving time. Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into what they called a \"T,\" and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now.",
"LE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVERPOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF WELL ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO THE BOYS SAID TO ME UNCLE WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU COME OUT AND PLAY A GAME OF GOLF WELL THEY TOOK ME OUT BEHIND THE WOODSHED WHERE MOTHER COULDN'T SEE US AND THEM DURNED BOYS DRESSED YOUR UNCLE UP IN THE DOG GONDEST SUIT OF CLOTHES I EVER HAD ON IN MY LIFE I HAD ON A PARASOCKS THAT HAD MORE DIFF'RENT COLORS IN EM THAN IN JOSEPH'S COAT I LOOKED LIKE A CROSS ATWEEN A MONKEY AND A CIRCUS RIDER AN A GOIN ACROSS THE MEADOW OUR TURKEY GOBBLER TOOK AFTER ME AND I HAD A AWFUL TIME WITH THAT FOOL BIRD I CALCULATED HOW I'D GET EVEN WITH HIM ABOUT THANKSGIVVING TIME WELL THE BOYS TOOK ME INTO THE PASTURE AND THEY HAD IT ALL DUG UP INTO WHAT THEY CALLED A TEA AND THEY HAD A WHEELBARROW FULL OF LITTLE ENGINE WAR CLUBS THEY CALLED ONE A NIBBLER AN ANOTHER A BRASSEY AND A LOT OF OTHER FOOL NAMES I NEVER HEERD AFORE AND CAN'T REMEMBER NOW"
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"Jabez sed \"Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord way than they know what to do with.",
"JABEZ SAID WELL NOW I WANT TO KNOW THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM NOT READING THE PAPERS WHY JIM THEY'VE GOT MORE HOGS UP CONQUERED WAY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH"
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" him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, and he sed: \"I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out what's alin' them hogs.\" Deacon Witherspoon sed: \"Wall, what is it, Jim?\" and Jim sed: \"Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git so much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of sleep.\" Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed: \"Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?\" Jim sed: \"Goin' to Concord, Jabez.",
"LEAN OVER THE FENCE AND TALK TO JIM AND GIVE HIM ADVICE BUT SOMEHOW THEM HOGS JEST KEP ON A DYIN AND NOBODY COULD SEE WHAT WAS AILIN OF EM THEN ONE DAY JIM COME OVER TO AZER HOSKINS STORE AND HE LOOKED AS TICKLED AS THOUGH HE HAD FOUND A DOLLAR AND HE SAID I WANT YOU ALL TO COME OVER TO MY PLACE I'VE FOUND OUT WHAT'S AILIN THEM HOGS DEACON WITHERSPOON SAID WELL WHAT IS IT JIM AND JIM SAID WELL YOU SEE THE GROUND OVER IN MY HOG LOT IS PURTY SOFT AND WHEN IT RAINS IT GITS RIGHT SMART MUDDY AND THE MUD GETS ON THE HOGS TAILS AN THAT MUD IT GITS MORE MUD AN FINALLY THEY GIT SO MUCH MUD ON THEIR TAILS THAT IT DRAWS THEIR SKIN SO TIGHT THAT THEY CAN'T SHUT THEIR EYES AND THEM HOGS ARE JIST A DYIN FOR THE WANT OF SLEEP WELL THE FOLLOWING WINTER JIM HAD HIS HOGS ALL FAT AND READY FOR MARKET AND HE JEST CONCLUDED HE'D DRIVE EM TO CONQUERED WELL HE STARTED OUT AND WHEN HE DROVE EM TWO WHOLE DAYS HE MET OLD JABEZ WHITTAKER JABE SAID WHERE YOU GOIN WITH YOUR HOGS JIM JIM SAID GOIN TO CONQUER JABEZ"
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"and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed: \"Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?\" Jim sed: \"Goin' to Concord, Jabez.\" Jabez sed \"Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' thar.\" So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and sed: \"Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off and turn them round.\" Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: \"Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim.",
"S HOGS ALL FAT AND READY FOR MARKET AND HE JEST CONCLUDED HE'D DRIVE EM TO CONQUERED WELL HE STARTED OUT AND WHEN HE DROVE EM TWO WHOLE DAYS HE MET OLD JABEZ WHITTAKER JABE SAID WHERE YOU GOIN WITH YOUR HOGS JIM JIM SAID GOIN TO CONQUER JABEZ JABEZ SAID WELL NOW I WANT TO KNOW THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM NOT READING THE PAPERS WHY JIM THEY'VE GOT MORE HOGS UP CONQUERED WAY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH LIGE WILL IT TOOK HIS HOGS UP THERE AND EVEN SPROSBIE TOOK HIS'N AND CONQUERED'S JUST CHUCK FULL OF HOGS AN SO CONSEQUENTLY THE MARKET IS AWAY DOWN AND CONQUERED BUT THE PAPER SAYS IT'S GOOD IN MANCHESTER AND YOU'D MAKE MONEY JIM BY GOIN THAR SO JIM SHIFTED HIS CHEW OF TOBACKER OVER TO THE NORTHEAST AND SAID WELL BOYS I CALCULATE WE'LL HAVE TO GO TO MANCHESTER SO JUST HEAD THE HOGS OFF AND TURN EM ROUND WELL THEY DRUVED THEM HOGS ABOUT THREE DAYS TOWARDS MANCHESTER AND JUST ABOUT WHEN THEY WAS GETTIN THAR ALONG COME CALEB SKINNER AND HE SAID WOW THUNDER AND FISH HOOKS WHERE BE YOU A GOIN JIM"
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"ails that it draws their skin so tight that they can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of sleep.\" Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed: \"Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?\" Jim sed: \"Goin' to Concord, Jabez.\" Jabez sed \"Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' thar.\" So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and sed: \"Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off and turn them round.",
"Y THEY GIT SO MUCH MUD ON THEIR TAILS THAT IT DRAWS THEIR SKIN SO TIGHT THAT THEY CAN'T SHUT THEIR EYES AND THEM HOGS ARE JIST A DYIN FOR THE WANT OF SLEEP WELL THE FOLLOWING WINTER JIM HAD HIS HOGS ALL FAT AND READY FOR MARKET AND HE JEST CONCLUDED HE'D DRIVE EM TO CONQUERED WELL HE STARTED OUT AND WHEN HE DROVE EM TWO WHOLE DAYS HE MET OLD JABEZ WHITTAKER JABE SAID WHERE YOU GOIN WITH YOUR HOGS JIM JIM SAID GOIN TO CONQUER JABEZ JABEZ SAID WELL NOW I WANT TO KNOW THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM NOT READING THE PAPERS WHY JIM THEY'VE GOT MORE HOGS UP CONQUERED WAY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH LIGE WILL IT TOOK HIS HOGS UP THERE AND EVEN SPROSBIE TOOK HIS'N AND CONQUERED'S JUST CHUCK FULL OF HOGS AN SO CONSEQUENTLY THE MARKET IS AWAY DOWN AND CONQUERED BUT THE PAPER SAYS IT'S GOOD IN MANCHESTER AND YOU'D MAKE MONEY JIM BY GOIN THAR SO JIM SHIFTED HIS CHEW OF TOBACKER OVER TO THE NORTHEAST AND SAID WELL BOYS I CALCULATE WE'LL HAVE TO GO TO MANCHESTER SO JUST HEAD THE HOGS OFF AND TURN EM ROUND"
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"key critter on the sides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of that hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went over in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to do his huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, cos he'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally he sed: \"Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter.\" Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck out like bumps on a log, and he sed, \"Why, Jim, I never heered tell of sech a thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!\" Jim sed, \"Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game.",
" HE FOUND OUT IF HE FETCHED THE PESKY CRITTER ON THE SIDES HE'D SQUAT RIGHT DOWN WELL JIM KNOWED IF HE DIDN'T GET RID OF THAT HOSS HIS REPUTATION AS A HOSS TRADER WAS GONE FOR EVER SO HE WENT OVER INTO THE TOWNSHIP TO SEE OLD DEACON WITHTHERSPOON YOU SEE THE DEACON HE WAS MIGHTY FOND OF GOIN HUNTIN AN AS HE HAD RHEUMATIZ PURTY BAD IT WAS SORT O HARD FOR HIM TO GIT AROUND SO HE HAD TO DO HIS HUNTING ON HORSEBACK WELL JIM DIDN'T SAY MUCH TO FUSS JIST KIND O HUNTING AROUND THAT HUNTING WAS GOIN TO BE MIGHTY GOOD THIS FALL CAUSE HE'D SING IN ONE OR TWO FLOCKS OF PARTRIDGES OVER BACK OF SPARSBIE'S MEADOW AND SOME RIGHT SMARTER QUAIL OVER BY BUTTERMILK FORD AND FINALLY HE SAID DEACON I'VE GOT A HOSS YOU OUGHT TO HAVE HE'S A SETTER WELL YOU COULD A KNOCKED THE DEACON'S EYES OFF WITH A CLUB THEY STUCK OUT LIKE BUMPS ON A LOG AND HE SAID WHY JIM I NEVER HEERD TELL OF SUCH A THING IN ALL MY LIFE THE IDEA OF A HORSE BEING A SETTER JIM SAID YES DEACON HE'S BEEN TRAINED TO SET FOR ALL KINDS OF GAME"
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"JIM SAYS HE'S GOIN TO GET OUT A RID OF CORPUS CHRISTI FOR THE DEACON AND THE DEACON SAYS HE'S GOIN TO PROSECUTE JIM FOR A BIG MAN ARSON AND HAVE HIM READ OUT OF THE CHURCH WELL WE'VE GOT THE SAME OLD SCHOOLHOUSE"
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"tin' to his station.\" Wall, Jim he got right smart riled over the matter, and he sed, \"Wall, you gosh durned old gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of this body, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of the government, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out of the bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendment to the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouse until the new one is built.\" Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, \"The gentleman is out of order;\" and Jim sed, \"I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you in about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail.\" Wall, before we knowed it, them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he grabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz stuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've both gone to law about it.",
"IS YEAR MEETIN IN A MANNER BEFITTIN TO HIS STATION WELL JIM HE GOT RIGHT SMART RILED OVER THE MATTER AN HE SAID WELL YOU GOSH DURNED OLD GOSPEL PIRATE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A MEMBER OF THIS BODY A CITIZEN A TAX PAYER AND AN HONORABLY DISCHARGED SERVANT OF THE GOVERNMENT AND I MAKE A MOTION THAT WE BUILD A NEW SCHOOLHOUSE OUT OF THE BRICKS OF THE OLD SCHOOL HOUSE AND I DO FURTHER OFFER AN AMENDMENT TO THE ORIGINAL MOTION THAT WE DON'T TEAR DOWN THE OLD SCHOOLHOUSE UNTIL THE NEW ONE IS BUILT WHILE DEACON WEATHERSPOON SAID THE GEN'LEMAN IS OUT OF ORDER AND JIM SAID I AIN'T SO DURNED MUCH OUT O ORDER BUT THAT I CAN TRIM YOU IN ABOUT TWO SHAKES OF A DEAD SHEEP'S TAIL WELL BEFORE WE NOTED THEM TWO OLD CUSSES WAS AT IT THE DEACON HE GRABBED JIM AND JIM HE GRABBED THE DEACON AND WHEN WE GOT EM SEPARATED THE DEACON HE WAS STUCK FAST TWIXT THE DESK AND THE WOOD BOX AND JIM HAD HIS WOODEN LEG THROUGH A KNOTHOLE IN THE FLOOR AND COULDN'T GET IT OUT AND THEY'VE BOTH GONE TO LAW ABOUT IT"
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"buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded up ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we never had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it \"The Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;\" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for the noospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty good place fer him to take in his subskriptions.",
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"their hands, and every onct in a while they would go to poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it; they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round the edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded up ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we never had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it \"The Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;\" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of mischief we made him editor.",
"E OF IT WITH SLEDGE HAMMERS IN THEIR HANDS AND EVER ONCE IN A WHILE THEY WOULD GO TO POUNDING ON THAT BELL AN FOLKS UD STAND AROUND AND WATCH EM DO IT THEY REMINDED ME OF A COUPLE OF FELLERS SPLITTIN RAILS AND ALL AROUND THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING THEY HAD HOOT OWLS SOTTIN WITH ELECTRIC LIGHTS IN THEIR EYES AND THERE WAS NO END O THE MACHINERY IN THAT BUILDING IF ANYBODY HAD EVER TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS THAT MUCH MACHINERY IN THE WHOLE WORLD DURNED IF I'D A BELIEVED EM BIGGEST MACHINE I'D EVER SEEN BEFORE WAS CY PETTINGILL'S NEW THRASHIN MACHINE WELL I JEST STOOD THAR WATCHIN THEM PRINTIN PRESSES O RUNNIN PAPER GOIN IN TO ONE END AN COMIN OUT AT T'OTHER ALL PRINTED AND FULL OF PICTURES AN FOLDED UP READY TO SELL IT JEST BEAT ALL THE WAY THEY DONE IT WELL WE NEVER HAD BUT ONE PAPER DOWN HOME AT PUNKIN CENTRE WE CALLED IT THE PUNKINS INTER WEEKLY BUGLE OLD JIM LAWSON HE WAS EDITOR OF IT YOU SEE JIM HE WAS SORT OF A TRIFLIN NO'COUNT OLE CUSS SORT OF KEEP HIM OUT O MISCHIEF WE MADE HIM EDITOR"
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"Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corner on the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk business, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea, verrily.\" Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass.",
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" the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the camp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock tree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preached at that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You see we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies and trusts, and one minister got up and sed, \"Ah, my dear beloved brethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all monopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the apple market.",
"HT TO HAVE LEMONADE FOR THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN WELL AS WE WANTED TO GET IT JIST AS CHEAP AS POSSIBLE WE DAMMED UP THE CRICK WHIT RUNS BACK OF THE CAMP MEETIN GROUNDS AND PUT IN TEN POUNDS OF BROWN SUGAR AND HALF A DOZEN LEMONS AND LET THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN DRINK RIGHT OUT OF THE CRICK FOR YOUR CHARGE WELL WE HAD RIGHT SMART DIFFICULTY IN GETTIN A POLEPIT FIXED UP FOR THE MINISTERS BUT FINALLY WE SAWED DOWN A HEMLOCK TREE AND USED THE STUMP FOR A BULPIT WELL SOME OF THE SERMONS PREACHED IT THAT CAMP NEEDN'T BE ANYTHING I EVER HEERD IN MY LIFE AFORE YOU SEE WE'D BEEN HAVING A GOOD MANY ARGUMENTS ABOUT CORPORATIONS MONOPOLIES AND TRUSTS AND ONE MINISTER GOT UP AND SAID AH MY DEAR BELOVED BRETHREN AND SISTERS WE SHOULD NOT BE TOO SEVERE ON THE MONOPOLISTS IF WE READ THE SCRIPTURES CLOSELY WE OBSERVE OUR FOREFATHERS WAS ALL MONOPOLISTS ADAM AND EVE HAD A MONOPOLY UPON THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND WOULD HAVE HAD IT TILL THIS DAY NO DOUBT HAD NOT MOTHER EVE GOT SQUEEZED IN THE APPLE MARKET"
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"n that day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion.\" I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and sometimes the result of hard cider.--Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer several days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations fer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to have lemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the camp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock tree and used the stump fer a pulpit.",
" SECTION TWENTY SEVEN OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING WELL WE'D JUST BEEN HAVIN A CAMP MEETIN AT PUNKIN CENTER YES FOR SEVERAL DAYS WE WAS PURTY BUSY BAKING AND COOKING AND MAKING PREPARATIONS FOR THE CAMP MEETING AND SOME OF THE COMMITTEE ALLOWED WE OUGHT TO HAVE LEMONADE FOR THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN WELL AS WE WANTED TO GET IT JIST AS CHEAP AS POSSIBLE WE DAMMED UP THE CRICK WHIT RUNS BACK OF THE CAMP MEETIN GROUNDS AND PUT IN TEN POUNDS OF BROWN SUGAR AND HALF A DOZEN LEMONS AND LET THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN DRINK RIGHT OUT OF THE CRICK FOR YOUR CHARGE WELL WE HAD RIGHT SMART DIFFICULTY IN GETTIN A POLEPIT FIXED UP FOR THE MINISTERS BUT FINALLY WE SAWED DOWN A HEMLOCK TREE AND USED THE STUMP FOR A BULPIT"
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"Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ.",
"WAL THE CIDER GOT IN OLD JIM'S HEAD AND IN HIS FINGERS TOO SO HE PLAYED SOME DANCIN MUSIC AN OLD YANKEE DOODLE TOO HE SHOCKED OLD DEACON WEATHERSPOON AN SCARED POOR SISTER MORGAN AND JEST BUSTED UP THE MEETIN AT THE UNVEILIN OF THE ORGIN"
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"ad called us thar to witness The unveilin' of the organ. In order fer to git it We'd bin savin' here and there, Lookin' forward to the time When we'd have music fer to spare, And as the time it had arrived, And the organ had cum, too, We had all of us assembled thar To hear what the thing could do. Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, In a handsome walnut case, And thar wuz expectation Pictured out on every face; Then when Deacon Witherspoon Had led us all in prayer, The congregation all stood up And Old Hundred rent the air. Jist then the doin's took a turn, Though I'm ashamed to say it, We found that old Jim Lawson Wuz the only one could play it; But Jim, the poor old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in. But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case.",
"HOIR LED BY SISTER MORGAN HAD CALLED US THERE TO WITNESS THE UNVEILIN OF THE ORGIN IN ORDER FOR TO GIT IT WE'D BEEN SAVIN HERE AND THERE LOOKIN FORWARD TO THE TIME WHEN WE'D HAVE MUSIC FOR DESPAIR AND AS THE TIME IT HAD ARRIVED AND THE ORGAN HAD COME TOO WE HAD ALL OF US ASSEMBLED THAR TO HEAR WHAT THE THING COULD DO WELL IT WAS A GORGEOUS INSTRUMENT IN A HANDSOME WALNUT CASE AND THERE WAS EXPECTATION PICTURED OUT ON EVERY FACE THEN WHEN DEACON WYTHERSPOON HAD LED US ALL IN PRAYER THE CONGREGATION ALL STOOD UP AN OLD HUNDRED RENT THE AIR JUST THEN THE DOINS TOOK A TURN THOUGH I AM ASHAMED TO SAY IT WE FOUND THAT OLD JIM LAWSON WAS THE ONLY ONE COULD PLAY IT BUT JIM THE POOR OLD FELLER HAD ONE BESETTIN SIN A FONDNESS FOR HARD CIDER WHICH HE'D BEEN INDULGIN IN BUT HE SOT DOWN AT THAT ORGAN PLANKED HIS FEET UPON THE PEDALS AND HE SHOWED US HE COULD PLAY IT THOUGH HE HADN'T ANY MEDALS HE DWELT UPON THE TREBLE AND HE FLIRTED WITH THE BASS HE ALMOST MADE THAT ORGAN JUMP RIGHT OUT OF ITS CASE"
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"Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he stumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell down, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. The Unveiling of the Organ IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, I believe in eighty-nine, We had some doin's at the meetin' house, That we thought wuz purty fine; It wuz a great occasion, The choir, led by Sister Morgan, Had called us thar to witness The unveilin' of the organ. In order fer to git it We'd bin savin' here and there, Lookin' forward to the time When we'd have music fer to spare, And as the time it had arrived, And the organ had cum, too, We had all of us assembled thar To hear what the thing could do.",
" SECTION TWENTY EIGHT OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN IT WAS DOWN IN PUNKIN CENTRE I BELIEVE IN EIGHTY NINE WE HAD SOME DOIN'S AT THE MEET'N HOUSE THAT WE THOUGHT WAS PURTY FIVE IT WAS A GREAT OCCASION THE CHOIR LED BY SISTER MORGAN HAD CALLED US THERE TO WITNESS THE UNVEILIN OF THE ORGIN IN ORDER FOR TO GIT IT WE'D BEEN SAVIN HERE AND THERE LOOKIN FORWARD TO THE TIME WHEN WE'D HAVE MUSIC FOR DESPAIR AND AS THE TIME IT HAD ARRIVED AND THE ORGAN HAD COME TOO WE HAD ALL OF US ASSEMBLED THAR TO HEAR WHAT THE THING COULD DO"
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"a, verrily.\" Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass. Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; it went something like this: \"Oh you need not cum in the mornin', And neither in the heat of the day; But cum along in the evenin', Lord, And wash my sins away. Chorus-- Standin' on the walls of Zion, Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; Standin' on the walls of Zion, To see my ship cum in.\" Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a holler log. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he stumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell down, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'.",
" SECTION TWENTY EIGHT OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN"
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"Wall, from what I could see of the game I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying to get a kick at him.",
"WELL FROM WHAT I COULD SEE OF THE GAME I CALCULATE THEY NEEDED ALL OF THEM I SAW ONE FELLER AND BOUT FIFTY OTHERS HAD HIM DOWN AND IT LOOKED AS THOUGH THEY WAS TRYIN TO ALL GIT A KICK AT HIM"
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"old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in. But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case. Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ. Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgons and phisicians.",
" SECTION TWENTY NINE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASEBALL I HAD HEERD A WHOLE LOT BOUT THEM GAMES A FOOTBALL THEY HAVE IN NEW YORK SO WHILE I WAS THAR I JUST COME TO THE CONCLUSION I'D SEE A GAME OF IT SO I WENT OUT TO ONE OF THEIR CITY PASTURES TO SEE A GAME OF FOOTBALL WELL NOW I MUST SAY I DIDN'T SEE MUCH BALL PLAYIN OF ANY KIND ALL I GOT TO SEE WAS ABOUT FIFTY OR SIXTY AMBULANCES AND I THINK ABOUT THAT MANY SURGEONS AND PHYSICIANS"
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"I sed, \"Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be durned if I don't.\"",
"I SAID BOYS I'M GETTIN A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR THOSE KIND OF PASTIMES BUT I'LL HELP YOU PLAY ONE GAME I'LL BE DURNED IF I DON'T"
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"m to the conclusion I'd see a game of it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any foot ball in his'n. I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, \"Uncle, we'd like to have you help us play a game of base ball.",
"ORK SO WHILE I WAS THAR I JUST COME TO THE CONCLUSION I'D SEE A GAME OF IT SO I WENT OUT TO ONE OF THEIR CITY PASTURES TO SEE A GAME OF FOOTBALL WELL NOW I MUST SAY I DIDN'T SEE MUCH BALL PLAYIN OF ANY KIND ALL I GOT TO SEE WAS ABOUT FIFTY OR SIXTY AMBULANCES AND I THINK ABOUT THAT MANY SURGEONS AND PHYSICIANS WELL FROM WHAT I COULD SEE OF THE GAME I CALCULATE THEY NEEDED ALL OF THEM I SAW ONE FELLER AND BOUT FIFTY OTHERS HAD HIM DOWN AND IT LOOKED AS THOUGH THEY WAS TRYIN TO ALL GIT A KICK AT HIM THEY HAD A HALF BACK AND A QUARTER BACK I SUPPOSE WHEN THEY GOT THROUGH WITH THAT FELLER HE WAS A HUMPBACK ANYHOW THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL FOOTBALL PLANNED YOUR UNCLE JOSH DON'T WANT ANY FOOTBALL IN HIS'N I NEVER PLAYED BUT ONE GAME A BALL IN MY LIFE THAT I CAN REMEMBER ON AND I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I EVER WILL FORGET IT YOU SEE IT WAS ALONG IN THE SPRING TIME OF THE YEAR AND THE WEATHER WAS PRETTY WARM AND SUNSHINY AND THE BOYS SAID TO ME UNCLE WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU HELP US PLAY A GAME A BASEBALL"
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"When you git it bilt and a runnin', you've got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a cumin' along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to go through.\"",
"WHEN YOU GET IT BUILT IN A RUNNIN YOU'VE GOT TO GET A MAN TO COME DOWN HERE AN TAKE CARE ON IT CAUSE IT'S A COMIN ALONG HAYIN IN HARVEST IN TIME AN I'LL BE TOO DURNED BUSY TO RUN DOWN HERE AN OPEN AN SHUT THEM BARN DOORS EVERY TIME ONE OF YOUR PASTE GILL TRAINS WANTS TO GO THROUGH"
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"ed, \"So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it goin' right through here?\" And they sed, \"Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's a-goin', right through here.\" Ezra sed, \"Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up my medder field, won't ye?\" They sed, \"Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some gradin'.\" Ezra sed, \"Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got that instrument p'inted?\" They sed, \"Yes, sir, jist thar.\" And Ezra sed, \"Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn.\" They sed, \"Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your barn.\" Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar would be trouble; but finally he sed, \"Wall, I s'pose the community of Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go any further.",
"E'RE SURVEYING FOR THE RAILROAD AND EZRA SAID SAW WE'RE GOIN TO HAVE A RAILROAD BE WE IS IT GOING RIGHT THROUGH HERE AND THEY SAID YES MISTER HOSKINS THAT'S WHERE IT'S A GOING RIGHT THROUGH HERE EZRA SAID WELL I SUPPOSE YOU'LL HAVE A RIGHT SMARTER PLOUGH IN DIGGING AND YOU'LL JUST ABOUT PLOUGH UP MY MEDDER FIELD WON'T YOU THEY SAID YES MISTER HOSKINS WE'LL HAVE TO DO SOME GRAIN EZRA SAID WELL NOW LET ME SEE IS IT A GOIN JIST THE WAY YOU'VE GOT THAT INSTRUMENT PLANTED THEY SAID YESSUR JIST THAR AND EZRA SAID WELL NEAR AS I CAN CALCULATE FROM THAT I SHOULD JUDGE IT WAS A GOIN RIGHT THROUGH MY BARN THEY SAID YES MISTER HOSKINS WE'RE SORRY BUT THE RAILROAD ISN'T GOIN RIGHT THROUGH YOUR BARN WELL LAZAR DIDN'T SAY MUCH FOR QUITE A SPELL AND WE ALL EXPECTED THERE WOULD BE TROUBLE BUT FINALLY HE SAID WELL I S'POSE THE COMMUNITY OF PUNKIN CENTRE NEEDS A RAILROAD AND I HADN'T OUGHT TO OFFER ANY OBJECTIONS TO ITS GOING THROUGH BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW AFORE YOU GO ANY FURTHER"
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"Love An indescribable longing, something that existed since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be stronger than the strongest man.",
"LOVE AN INDESCRIBABLE LONGING SOMETHING THAT EXISTED SINCE MOTHER EVE WAS IN THE APPLE TRUST AND WILL EXIST UNTIL THE END OF TIME SOMETHING THAT NO MAN HAS EVER YET DEFINED OR EVER WILL DEFINE A SOMETHING THAT IS PAST ALL DESCRIPTION WHICH WILL MAKE A HIRED MAN FORGET TO DO THE CHORES AND WILL MAKE AN OLD MAN ACT BOYISH AND WILL MAKE A WOMAN SHOW HERSELF TO BE STRONGER THAN THE STRONGEST MAN"
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"ye?\" They sed, \"Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some gradin'.\" Ezra sed, \"Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got that instrument p'inted?\" They sed, \"Yes, sir, jist thar.\" And Ezra sed, \"Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn.\" They sed, \"Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your barn.\" Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar would be trouble; but finally he sed, \"Wall, I s'pose the community of Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to go through.",
"ABOUT PLOUGH UP MY MEDDER FIELD WON'T YOU THEY SAID YES MISTER HOSKINS WE'LL HAVE TO DO SOME GRAIN EZRA SAID WELL NOW LET ME SEE IS IT A GOIN JIST THE WAY YOU'VE GOT THAT INSTRUMENT PLANTED THEY SAID YESSUR JIST THAR AND EZRA SAID WELL NEAR AS I CAN CALCULATE FROM THAT I SHOULD JUDGE IT WAS A GOIN RIGHT THROUGH MY BARN THEY SAID YES MISTER HOSKINS WE'RE SORRY BUT THE RAILROAD ISN'T GOIN RIGHT THROUGH YOUR BARN WELL LAZAR DIDN'T SAY MUCH FOR QUITE A SPELL AND WE ALL EXPECTED THERE WOULD BE TROUBLE BUT FINALLY HE SAID WELL I S'POSE THE COMMUNITY OF PUNKIN CENTRE NEEDS A RAILROAD AND I HADN'T OUGHT TO OFFER ANY OBJECTIONS TO ITS GOING THROUGH BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW AFORE YOU GO ANY FURTHER WHEN YOU GET IT BUILT IN A RUNNIN YOU'VE GOT TO GET A MAN TO COME DOWN HERE AN TAKE CARE ON IT CAUSE IT'S A COMIN ALONG HAYIN IN HARVEST IN TIME AN I'LL BE TOO DURNED BUSY TO RUN DOWN HERE AN OPEN AN SHUT THEM BARN DOORS EVERY TIME ONE OF YOUR PASTE GILL TRAINS WANTS TO GO THROUGH"
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"I think that railroad runs across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three times.",
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"en; jist then I happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how the game stood. They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it. The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt.",
" SECTION THIRTY OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY CARLES STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN THE PUNKIN CENTER AND PAPA VALLEY RAILROAD WONDERS WE'LL NEVER CEASE WE'VE GOT A RAILROAD IN PUNKIN CENTER NOW OH WE'RE GETTIN TO BE RIGHT SMART CEDIFIED I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT THE CROOKEDEST RAILROAD THAT WAS EVER BUILT"
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"Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and he sed, \"Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'.\" I sed, \"What do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin ye?\"",
"WELL JIM HE COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND HE SAID JOSH LETS YOU AND ME GO DOWN TO THE BAPTIZING I SAID WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GO DOWN THERE FOR JIM YOU CAN'T GET ANY PENSION THERE CAN YO"
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" \"Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the Philistines and whar at?\" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, \"Commodore Dewey, at Manila.\" The Deacon sed, \"No, Henry, it wasn't Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson.\" Another little feller sed, \"No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague.\" The Deacon sed, \"Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first commandment?\" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, \"Remember the main.\" Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' fer a pension, I believe. ",
"AS A TEACH IN THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS AND HE SAID NOW LET ME SEE WHAT LITTLE BOY CAN TELL ME WHO SLEW THE PHILISTINES AND WHEREAT WELL NO ONE SAID ANYTHING FOR ABOUT A MINUTE THEN A LITTLE RED HEADED FELLER DOWN AT THE FOOT OF THE CLASS SAID COMMODORE DOY AT MANILA THE DEACON SAID NO HENRY IT WASN'T COMMODORE DEWEY WHAT SLEW THE PHILISTINES IT WAS SAMSON ANOTHER LITTLE FELLER SAID NO DEACON I THINK YOU SORT O GOT IT MIXED UP HE WASN'T THIR SCHLEY IS THE FELLER WOT DONE THE JOB AT SANTIAGIE THE DEACON SAID NOW BOYS YOU BEN READIN TOO MUCH ABOUT THEM WAR DOIN'S IN THE PAPERS NOW WHAT LITTLE BOY KIN TELL ME WHAT IS THE FIRST COMMANDMENT AND EZRA HOSKINS BOY SAID REMEMBER THE MAIN HE HE GOSH I HAD TO GO RIGHT OUT OF THE MEETIN' HOUSE WHERE I COULD HAVE A GOOD LAUGH WELL I WOULDN'T A BEEN DOWN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE OR THE SECOND PLACE FOR THAT MATTER IF IT HADN'T A BEEN FOR OLD JIM LAWSON YOU SEE JIM HE'S A PECULIAR OLD CRITTER HE'S GOT ONE EYE OUT LOST IT LOOKIN FOR A PENSION I BELIEVE "
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"I wuz goin' along one night, John, At a purty lively rate, The old machine a doin' her best, And me forty minutes late, When all at once there came a crash, I felt the old track yield, And fireman, machine and I Went into a farmer's field.",
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"-runnin' on Wuz out in the woolly west; Two streaks of rust and the right of way Wuz puttin' it at its best. So we sort of plugged along, John. And didn't put on any frills, Never thought of doin' anything But doublin' all the hills. I tell you those were rocky times, And we hadn't no air brake; And fifteen miles an hour, John, Wuz durn good time to make. And thar wuz as good a lot of boys As you could meet with anywhere; Rough and ready open up, And always on the square. And I'd like to see them all again, And grasp each honest hand; But some of them, like me, have quit, Some have gone to another land. I have changed somewhat since then, John, Jist a little more steady grown; But I often think of my railroad days As the happiest ones I've known. And, John, I often watch the train. As they go whizzing by; As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, Thar's a tear comes in my eye. Perhaps you'd like to know, John, Just why I quit the rail, And as some feller one time sed, \"Thereby hangs a tale.",
"ET HER WHEEZE AND FUSS THE ROAD THAT I WAS A RUNNIN ON WAS OUT IN THE WOOLLY WEST TWO STREAKS O RUST AND THE RIGHT AWAY WAS PUTTIN IT AT ITS BEST SO WE SORTED O PLUGGED ALONG JOHN AND DIDN'T PUT ON ANY FRILLS NEVER THOUGHT OF DOIN ANYTHING BUT DOUBLIN ALL THE HILLS I TELL YOU THOSE WERE ROCKY TIMES AND WE HADN'T NO AIR BREAK AND FIFTEEN MILES AN HOUR JOHN WAS DURN GOOD TIME TO MAKE AND THERE WAS AS GOOD A LOT OF BOYS AS YOU COULD MEET WITH ANYWHERE ROUGH AND READY OPEN UP AND ALWAYS ON THE SQUARE AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM ALL AGAIN AND GRASP EACH HONEST HAND BUT SOME OF THEM LIKE ME HAVE QUIT SOME HAVE GONE TO ANOTHER LAND I HAVE CHANGED SOMEWHAT SINCE THEN JOHN JUST A LITTLE MORE STEADY GROAD BUT I OFTEN THINK OF MY RAILROAD DAYS AS THE HAPPIEST ONES I KNOWED AND JOHN I OFTEN WATCH THE TRAIN AS THEY GO WHIZZING BY AS I THINK OF BELL OR JIM OR JACK THERE'S A TEAR COMES IN MY EYE PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW JOHN JUST WHY I QUIT THE RAIL AN AS SOME FELLER ONE TIME SAID THEREBY HANGS A TAIL"
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"Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on.",
"WELL THEY BROUGHT A TRICK MULE INTO THE RING AND THE RING MASTER SAID HE'D GIVE ANYONE FIVE DOLLARS WHAT COULD RIDE THE MULE AND RUBEN HOSKINS ALLOWED HE COULD RIDE ANYTHING WITH FOUR LEGS WHAT HAD HAIR ON"
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" Josh, thar's Steve Jenkins over thar in one of them cages.\" I sed, \"Cum along you silly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins.\" Ezra sed, \"Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near raised Steve.\" Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back. Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. She sed, \"You go 'way from me you painted critter,\" and that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out.",
"AT ONCE EZER HE SAID GEE WHES JOS DER STEVE JENKINS OVER THAR IN ONE OF THEM CAGES I SAID COME ALONG YOU SILLY FOOL THAT AIN'T STEVE JENKINS EZRA SAID WELL NOW GUESS I'D OUGHTER KNOW STEVE JENKINS WHEN I SEE HIM I JIST ABOUT PURTY NEAR RAISED STEVE WELL WE WENT OVER TO THE CAGE AND IT WARN'T NO MAN AT ALL NOTHING ONLY A DURNED OLD BABBOON AND EZRA WANTED TO SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM JIST CAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE STEVE EZRA SAID HE'D BET A PICK O PIPPINS THAT BABOON BELONGED TO STEVE'S FAMILY A LONG WAYS BACK WELL THEN WE WENT INTO WHERE THEY WAS HAVIN THE CIRCUS DOIN'S AND I GUESS US TWO OLD CARDERS JEST ABOUT BUSTED OUR BUTTONS A LAFFIN AT THAT SILLY OLD CLOWN WELL HE CUT UP A LOT OF DYE DOES THEN HE WENT OUT AN SOT DOWN RIGHT ALONGSIDE OF AUNT NANCY SMITH AND NANCY SHE'D LIKE TO HAD HYSTERICS SHE SAID YOU GO AWAY FROM ME YOU PAINTED CRITTER AND THAT CLOWN HE JEST UP AND YELLED TO BEAT THUNDER SAID NANCY STUCK A PIN IN HIM WHILE EVERYBODY LAUGHED AND NANCY SHE JEST SOUGHT AND GIGGLED RIGHT OUT"
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"Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he alowed he'd take the children and let them see the lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill remarked, \"Guess the Deacon won't put blinders on himself when he gits thar.\"",
"DEACON WEATHERSPOON SAID THEY WAS A SINFUL LOT OF MEN AND WOMEN AND NO ONE AUGHTER GO AND SEE THEM BUT SEEIN AS HOW THEY WAS THAR HE ALLOWED HE'D TAKE THE CHILDREN AND LET THEM SEE THE LIONS AND TIGERS AND THINGS CY PETINGILL REMARKED GUESS THE DEACON WON'T PUT BLINDERS ON HIMSELF WHEN HE GETS THAR"
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"more to say, John, They laid me up for repairs, But my fireman, poor fellow, Hadn't time to say his prayers. So now you have my story, John; Still, you don't know how it feels To know you've got to plug around On a couple of flat wheels. But it doesn't bother me, John, Gosh, not fer a minnit; I'm as happy as the day is long, And feel jist strictly in it. But sometimes I like to meet the boys, And talk them days all over, And I feel as gay and chipper As a calf in a field of clover But the happiest days I've known, John, The ones that to me see best, Wuz when I run an old machine Way out in the woolly west. Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. Uncle Josh at a Circus WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it. They cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, and animals pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim cracks.",
" SECTION THIRTY FOUR OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS WELL LONG LAST YEAR BOUT HARVEST TIME THERE WAS A CIRCUS COME TO PUNKIN CENTRE AND I THINK THE WHOLE POPULATION TURNED OUT TO SEE IT THEY COME PARADIN INTO TOWN THE BANDS A PLAYIN AND BANNERS FLYING AND ANIMALS POKIN THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE CAGES AND ALL SORTS OF JIM CRACKS"
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"Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.",
"LOTS OF FUN DOWN THERE ON THAT FARM OF MINE HUNTING FISHING AND SHOOTING AND OTHER THINGS WAL I NEVER SHOT BUT ONE BIRD IN MY LIFE AND THAT WAS A SQUIRREL YESSER A FLYIN SQUIRREL"
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"ind it I'll give you two dollars.\" Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin Centre. Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have. I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do.",
" SECTION THIRTY FIVE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM I DIDN'T S'POSE WHEN I WAS GETTIN READY TO GO HOME THAT ALL YOU FOLKS WOULD BE DOWN HERE TO THE DEPOT TO SEE ME OFF WELL NOW THAT'S PURTY GOOD OF YE I'LL BE DURNED IF IT AIN'T YES I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BE GOING HOME NOW I'VE STAYED HERE THIS TIME BOUT AS LONG AS I CAN AFFORD TO I MUST SAY SOME O YOU FOLKS HAVE MADE IT PURTY WARM FOR ME SINCE I BEEN HERE IN NEW YORK BUT I GUESS I'VE ENJOYED IT BOUT AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU ALL COME DOWN TO PUNKIN CENTER AND SEE ME SOME TIME THIS SUMMER IF YOU HADN'T GOT NOTHIN ELSE TO DO"
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"I had another one sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. While she wuz a sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, \"We're having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this set?\"",
"I HAD ANOTHER ONE SOTTIN ON A DOOR KNOB TRYIN TO HATCH OUT A HOUSE AND A LOT BUT SHE DIDN'T WHILE SHE WAS A SOTTIN THERE ALONG COME A ROOSTERIN HE SAID WE'RE HAVIN A LITTLE PARTY DOWN BEHIND THE BARN WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME THIS SET"
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"ings. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel. I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it.",
"SHING AND SHOOTING AND OTHER THINGS WAL I NEVER SHOT BUT ONE BIRD IN MY LIFE AND THAT WAS A SQUIRREL YESSER A FLYIN SQUIRREL I HAD A FELLER WORKIN FOR ME ON THE FARM LAST SUMMER AND HE WAS CROSS EYED AND I SENT HIM OUT IN THE PASTURE TO DIG A WHALE FOR ME AND WHAT DO YOU S'POSE WELL HE DUG IT SO TARNAL ALL FIRED COOKED THAT HE FELL OUT OF IT AN SPRAINED HIS ANKLE THEN ONE DAY I SENT HIM OUT IN THE GARDEN TO PLANT SOME PERTURATERS AND SOME ONIONS FUR ME AN IT JEST SEEMED LIKE THAT FELLER DIDN'T HAVE GOOD HOSS SENSE HE PLANTED THEM ONIONS AN PERTURS RIGHT ALONGSIDE O EACH OTHER AN THE ONIONS GOT INTO THE PERTUR'S EYES AND THEY COULDN'T SEE TO GROW OH YES LOTS OF FUN DOWN HOME ONCE IN A WHILE I CALCULATE I'VE GOT THE FUNNIEST LOT OF CHICKENS YOU EVER HEERD TELL ON I'VE GOT SIXTY OLD HENS AN THEY LAY AN EGG EVERY DAY BUT THEY DON'T LAY ANY AT NIGHT CAUSE WHEN NIGHT COMES EVERY ONE OF THEM IS ROOSTERS I HAD ONE OLD HEN SHE WENT INTO THE WOOD SHED AN SOT DOWN ON THE AXE AND TRIED TO HATCH IT"
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"I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was cross eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do you s'pose?",
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"and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin Centre. Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have. I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.",
" SECTION THIRTY FIVE OF UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTER STORIES BY COW STUART THIS LIVER BOX RECORDING IS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN RECORDING BY PHILIP MARTIN UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM I DIDN'T S'POSE WHEN I WAS GETTIN READY TO GO HOME THAT ALL YOU FOLKS WOULD BE DOWN HERE TO THE DEPOT TO SEE ME OFF WELL NOW THAT'S PURTY GOOD OF YE I'LL BE DURNED IF IT AIN'T YES I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BE GOING HOME NOW I'VE STAYED HERE THIS TIME BOUT AS LONG AS I CAN AFFORD TO I MUST SAY SOME O YOU FOLKS HAVE MADE IT PURTY WARM FOR ME SINCE I BEEN HERE IN NEW YORK BUT I GUESS I'VE ENJOYED IT BOUT AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU ALL COME DOWN TO PUNKIN CENTER AND SEE ME SOME TIME THIS SUMMER IF YOU HADN'T GOT NOTHIN ELSE TO DO LOTS OF FUN DOWN THERE ON THAT FARM OF MINE HUNTING FISHING AND SHOOTING AND OTHER THINGS WAL I NEVER SHOT BUT ONE BIRD IN MY LIFE AND THAT WAS A SQUIRREL YESSER A FLYIN SQUIRREL"
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"and she sed, \"No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this set.\" Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, \"Thar's that old gray headed cuss we've bin a layin' fer.\"",
"AN SHE SAID NO SIR I'M ENGAGED TO HIS KNOBS FOR THIS SET HUSH I WAS AFRAID TO GO OUT IN THE BARNYARD ONE WHILE CAUSE ONE DAY WHEN I WUZ OUT THAR I HEARD A HEN SAY TO A ROOSTER BAR'S THAT OLE GRAY HEADED CUSS WE'VE BEEN A LAN PUR WEL"
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"hat do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, \"We're having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this set?",
"E TO DIG A WHALE FOR ME AND WHAT DO YOU S'POSE WELL HE DUG IT SO TARNAL ALL FIRED COOKED THAT HE FELL OUT OF IT AN SPRAINED HIS ANKLE THEN ONE DAY I SENT HIM OUT IN THE GARDEN TO PLANT SOME PERTURATERS AND SOME ONIONS FUR ME AN IT JEST SEEMED LIKE THAT FELLER DIDN'T HAVE GOOD HOSS SENSE HE PLANTED THEM ONIONS AN PERTURS RIGHT ALONGSIDE O EACH OTHER AN THE ONIONS GOT INTO THE PERTUR'S EYES AND THEY COULDN'T SEE TO GROW OH YES LOTS OF FUN DOWN HOME ONCE IN A WHILE I CALCULATE I'VE GOT THE FUNNIEST LOT OF CHICKENS YOU EVER HEERD TELL ON I'VE GOT SIXTY OLD HENS AN THEY LAY AN EGG EVERY DAY BUT THEY DON'T LAY ANY AT NIGHT CAUSE WHEN NIGHT COMES EVERY ONE OF THEM IS ROOSTERS I HAD ONE OLD HEN SHE WENT INTO THE WOOD SHED AN SOT DOWN ON THE AXE AND TRIED TO HATCH IT I HAD ANOTHER ONE SOTTIN ON A DOOR KNOB TRYIN TO HATCH OUT A HOUSE AND A LOT BUT SHE DIDN'T WHILE SHE WAS A SOTTIN THERE ALONG COME A ROOSTERIN HE SAID WE'RE HAVIN A LITTLE PARTY DOWN BEHIND THE BARN WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME THIS SET"
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