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Because do you know what Timur used to counter these unstoppable killing machines? Camels. Flammable, flammable camels. |
Confident of victory, Khan ordered his army to advance. Timur needed to do something, and fast. His army was starting to panic, and some of his soldiers were running away. Timur had heard elephants were easily startled, and figuring he had nothing to lose, he uttered the Mongolian equivalent of "Fuck it," ordered all h... |
They don't give out crowns like that to the guys who don't light hundreds of camels on fire. |
The flaming camels charged forward, probably as a result of being set on fire, and scared the shit out of the elephants. Desperate to get away from the camels, the elephants turned and ran, which was unfortunate for the Indian infantry because they were standing right behind the elephants. Unable to control the stamped... |
Good times were had by all. |
Timur went on to sack, pillage and rape the shitnoodles out of Delhi, but he wasn't done there. He had all 120 war elephants rounded up and forced to kneel in front of him, a ceremony during which even the elephants wondered what the hell was going on. Confident that nobody else would think to set their own units on fi... |
Killer Dolphins |
Yes, "killer" dolphins -- we're not talking about using dolphins to find underwater mines or rescue soldiers or some shit. |
As we have said before, dolphins are assholes. They are also very good guards. The U.S. Navy figured this out and started a marine mammal program in 1960, with the Soviets soon following suit. Yes, the Americans were training their dolphins to perform tasks such as delivering equipment and performing surveillance, but ... |
You can't see it, but they're all juicing on Kremlin-issued dolphin-roids. |
Details of the Soviet Dolphin Division were shrouded in secrecy, and rumors that the dolphins were trained to kill were dismissed for years ... until 2000, when the Ukrainian Navy sold the remaining dolphins to Iran. As it turns out, the dolphins had been trained to perform kamikaze attacks on enemy submarines and impa... |
It gets better: |
Other Soviet dolphins were trained to jab swimmers with shark darts -- syringes full of pressurized CO2. When the CO2 was injected, pressure of 3,000 psi would enter the swimmer's body, forcing his guts out of his mouth like a tube of toothpaste. |
Take that, puny capitalist organs. |
Now, this raises the question whether the Americans had secretly trained their own killer dolphins. Rumors exist to this day of a "swimmer nullification program" involving just that. For instance, one European official said he spoke to American dolphin trainers who confirmed they worked with killer dolphins. |
The U.S. Navy denies any such program, but in 1977, a Navy dolphin trainer, claimed American dolphins were armed with shark darts. A few years later, the former head of the Navy's marine mammal program sued Penthouse over an article claiming he attempted to sell torpedo dolphins to Latin American countries. The suit wa... |
"The U.S. government neither confirms nor denies the existence of genetically engineered super-dolphins. But we are going to need another $40 million in tuna for 'migration pattern studies.' " |
Secrets involving dolphin assassins? We can only assume yes. |
Turkey Parachutes |
The Spanish Civil War began in 1936, an event so important it isn't mentioned in a single American history class. During the war, anarchists took control of parts of southern Spain, driving the Nationalists out of their garrisons and into the hills. One group, led by Capt. Cortes, retreated into the monastery of Santa ... |
Seen here saving the Earth. |
And that's where the turkeys come in. |
The Nationalists' defense of the monastery was an impressive feat that quickly turned ridiculous. You see, they were being resupplied via air drops, and somewhere along the line somebody decided that just using parachutes wasn't good enough for the future leaders of Spain. After some intense strategizing, pilots began ... |
The turkeys would flap their wings as they fell, slowing their descent while still managing to make their eventual pulverizing landing no less hilarious. Once the feathers cleared, the soldiers on the ground would have their supplies and a fresh turkey to eat. |
"Be careful how you cut that turkey. It's filled with enough hand grenades to vaporize an Escalade." |
Laugh all you want. It worked. |
Sadly, the era of the edible parachute came to an end a year later when the monastery was overrun, something which apparently no amount of ornithological parachuting could prevent. Turkey parachutes faded into obscurity, joined by other, lesser-known animal-based countermeasures such as the crocodile drag chute and the... |
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The Cracked Podcast |
The Weekly Hit List |
"some music was meant to stay underground..." |
Vhol - "Vhol" (CD) |
Vhol - "Vhol" CD cover image |
"Vhol" track listing: |
1. The Wall (6:39) |
2. Insane with Faith (5:17) |
3. Plastic Shaman (5:48) |
4. Grace (6:01) |
5. Illuminate (7:44) |
6. Arising (6:13) |
7. Songs Set to Await Forever (8:25) |
Reviewed by on April 30, 2013 |
"Take Vhol as its own entity, separate from any association the musicians have with other projects, and prepare for the best album to come out so far this year." |
Vhol was widely publicized before one note of music came out. Metal fans with proper underground knowledge clamored for the reunion of half of Ludicra, guitarist John Cobbett and drummer Aesop Dekker, plus the inclusion of Yob vocalist Mike Scheidt. Add in current Hammers of Misfortune bassist Sigrid Sheie to complete ... |
It wouldn’t have been outrageous if the band did try any number of combinations featuring its members' extensive past and present projects. That probably would have resulted in a rousing side-project, yet would fade away with hardly a struggle. Vhol refuses to be regaled to a throwaway title of a side-project, giving e... |
In the same way that Shrinebuilder brought the best talent together to flourish in their own style, Vhol succeeds as a group because of the tangible chemistry shared between them. This is a cohesive effort, not the result of a forced alliance or jumbled tracks sent from each member spread out across the world. These so... |
Though the songs have a punky attitude rolling through them, notably on “Arising,” the lengths are much more involved. No song stops at the five-minute mark, allowing space for the band to experiment and flesh out their superior musicianship. Each member has choice moments, though the stand-out might be Sheie. She may ... |
“Grace” was one of the first songs released by the band, and its six minutes of joyful mayhem is a good clue what to expect from Vhol’s debut. “Insane With Faith” and “Plastic Shaman” border on psychotic with their winding riffs and tonal wreckage. Though the band spends much of the album in a state of dissonance, ther... |
The depths of Vhol’s musical aptitude are bottomless, as it’s not enough for them to be maniacal demons. “The Wall” has a proggy instrumental beginning that takes up half of its almost-seven minutes, “Illuminate” squeezes an uneasy break of haunting echoing notes, and “Songs Set to Await Forever” cleans up the mess of ... |
Vhol’s eponymous record is loaded with consistent quality in songwriting and musicianship. There’s not much to hate about this album, especially if you enjoy any of the musicians involved. This isn’t as accessible as Hammers of Misfortune, or even Ludicra to some extent, though it’s not as daunting as Agalloch or Yob. ... |
Highs: The best gathering of well-known musicians since Shrinebuilder, black metal with a lot of layers, never short on surprises, each member has their chance to shine |
Lows: Production may be a bit too rough for some. |
Bottom line: A stellar debut from a group of talented musicians who take black metal and turn it on its head. |
Rated 4.5 out of 5 skulls |
4.5 out of 5 skulls |
Rating Description |
< 2 skulls Pretty Bad. (Don't bother) |
You're going to hate Stan Herman. Even when he loses, it's because business is so good. You want to know how he was affected by last October's stock market crash? |
"We lost a couple of sales actually," Herman admits. "There was a house that we sold for $7 million-plus in Bel Air that the buyers couldn't follow through on." For approximately one second Stan Herman, real estate superagent to the stars, looks abashed. Then that gleam returns. "The next day," he says, "that house wen... |
Herman is amused by this story even though he didn't make a cent on the deal. (Another broker had the listing.) It just gives him yet another opportunity to make his favorite point: Real estate in L.A.'s "Golden Triangle"—Beverly Hills, Bel Air and Brentwood—retains its value, come hell (earthquakes), high water (mud s... |
At 53, Herman may be L.A.'s most stratospherically upscale landlord. Over the years he has owned hundreds of houses, renting them for as much as $30,000 a month, more than covering his costs. If the profit looks fat enough, he sells. To illustrate his philosophy, Herman tells what happened when Polly Bergen called him ... |
Like Penn & Teller on Broadway, Herman tells you how he does it, and it still seems like magic. His firm, Stan Herman and Associates, with 20 employees, brings in more than $100 million a year in gross sales. But what makes Herman unique is that he is constantly buying and renovating houses, furnishing them from his ow... |
Herman often lives in these homes while in the process of fixing them up, which means that he rarely has stayed long in one place. Linda Evans, the second of his three wives, says that when they were married, they changed dwellings so often that one night they came home from a party and went to the wrong house. |
Herman's current residence, an English country house in Bel Air, was formerly owned by Dick Powell and June Allyson, then by Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow, then by Telly Savalas. Herman bought it two years ago at a price he won't divulge. Having spent $1 million to refurbish the place, he has put it on the market for $5... |
Herman displayed his knack for moneymaking early. A butcher's son who grew up in Los Angeles, Stan bought a '36 Ford coupé for $250 at the age of 13. He fixed it up, sold it for $600 and bought a '41 Mercury, which he overhauled and sold at an even heftier profit. Obviously he knew he was on to something. "It was just ... |
There is, however, one area in which turnover cannot be considered success, and Herman knows it only too well. "I guess I haven't done great with the marriages," he says. He married at 23 for three months. In 1976 he married Evans; they were divorced after three years. His third marriage, to Canadian ex-model Denise Va... |
Herman and Vandenberg share custody of Ryan. Denise, who comes from Chomady, a town outside Montreal, recently got her real estate license. "She saw how well I was doing," says Herman, laughing. "We gave her a desk in the office." But Vandenberg isn't likely to impinge on Herman's turf any time soon. "Unfortunately," h... |
—Written by Eric Levin, reported by Eleanor Hoover |
• Contributors: |
• Eleanor Hoover. |
TED Conversations |
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*This saves $58.3 billion |
*(a $6000 check would save $158.3 billion) |
Thoughts everyone? |
Showing single comment thread. View the full conversation. |
• Jan 1 2013: There is a much easier way to save even more money. Remember that thing called the internet. Well, for only a few dollars a year each, you could give every child that doesn't already have it internet access. Then, simply hire the best of the best teachers in the world, one for each subject and have them... |
• Jan 1 2013: Lol, good luck at buying computers that cost only a few dollars and at learning calculus from an online course and I suppose robots will mark homework? |
• Jan 2 2013: The post suggested giving $8000 a year as a voucher. Certainly there are already computers made for the third world for less than $100, and even the Chromebooks are only $200, still a lot less than $8000. Besides, most people already have internet access and computers, so the majority wouldn't have ... |
• Jan 2 2013: "The post suggested giving $8000 a year as a voucher." |
It did, and then you suggested to save even more money and said it could be done for a few dollars per child. |
That doesn't work for science and math tests as well as essays. Computers also can't answer questions. |
So a computer is going to tell me that although I misplaced a minus sign and a factor 2pi somewhere my reasoning is along the right track, giving me 7 out of 10? |
• Jan 2 2013: Picture recognition technology can do much more than scantrons. Google and Wolfram Alpha answer questions. And the rate of advancement for artificial intelligence is exponential. |
Works for science, works for math, computers can answer questions. This is basic knowledge. Is calculus in public school curriculum for K-8? If parents had educational freedom and money given to them by the government, they could choose to pay for calculus tutoring for their children at any age. Prodigies, ge... |
What are your motivations for writing patently false information and being destructive John? Are you a politician, union employee, or teacher that feels threatened if parents and students are able to choose whatever education they like and government subsidizes them? |
• Jan 2 2013: Tomas, |
You are right, parents that decide to homeschool their kids could simply use $2000 a year and keep the extra $6000. Good for them. I figure parents would vote yes on having $8000 of their tax money going into their own pocket and the ability to choose their children's education instead of politicians doing it for... |
With teachers voting, the problem is the bad teachers. Bad teachers can't earn anything so they vote to keep the same system everyone knows is a failure. With $8000 and choice, I wouldn't pay bad teachers, and 25 students choosing a teacher of their liking is $200,000/yr going to that teacher. |
The opposition comes from people who have aristocratic instincts or latent elitism, bad teachers, union employees, and politicians. Especially politicians whose salaries depend on skimming education money off the top of educations funds that should be going to teachers and children. So I am guessing John Smith is... |
A study has even showed computer booths without instructions being more effective than teachers at educating children in rural India. |
Showing single comment thread. View the full conversation. |
Business Plan Primer |
Not all business plans are the same; the type plan that is needed in start-up mode should be quite different than what would be used in a later stage. Early stage businesses should document milestones the team plans to accomplish, with mini-plans for describing how the milestones will be accomplished. Mature businesses... |
Dave Lavinsky, in a recent newsletter article for GrowThink entitled The Ammunition Every Business Needs, writes: |
When you think about it, this is really intuitive. Here’s why. Business plans are read by investors and lenders for risk management reasons. These money sources realize they are taking a risk with every check they write, and want to mitigate this risk. The business plan explains to them how the business will use their ... |
For mature businesses, the business plan is just one of severable variables the investor or lender can assess in their decision-making. For example, if you have a mature company, the investor or lender can speak to your customers, analyze your financial history, assess your team members’ backgrounds, compare your produ... |
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