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**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[40:19\] Yes, well said. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's tension, right? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yep. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So I would imagine that if you're paying attention to your life and setting outcome goals or setting goals generally or having some progress in anything, whether it's health, fitness, work, school, whatever it might be, your job - you're going to be paying attention to those details, and there's alw... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, great word. I love it, because that's just it. There's an uncertainty around the outcome, but that is also held alongside of the desire. And so with that, see mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. Mistakes are part of the learning process, that's how we figure it out. Like E... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** ...that a light bulb doesn't work. Then finally, because you're trying to manage vulnerability, it's not surprising to think that you might be reactive around criticism. In the workplace, we could talk about it in terms of feedback, but perceived criticism-- if you are perfectionistic, you've ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It might go bad. Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** You might have a few feelings about that experience. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And that's understandable. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. But recognizing, again, "Who's on my team? Who understands the effort I'm putting forth?" We've brought this around so many times, but I can't speak enough to the value of relationship and having those people who help you buffer some of these challenges and upsets and disappointments. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's a great point, because that's what I was thinking about, is this board of advisors. Going back to the clerk scenario that may have spoken some words into your life for that brief moment... You might value the feedback or criticism they give you for your life, but at what depth? You allow your... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. Right. And people are gonna have things to say about how we perform. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I'm sure this happens just in people's relationships, and going "I was trying to give you what you wanted. I was trying to do something -- I thought you'd appreciate me unloading the dishes, or packing the dishwasher", but then you get the feedback you did it wrong. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. I mean, my wife is the one who speaks most deeply into me. If she believes in me, I believe in me twice as much because she believes in me, or whatever it might be. The same, if she criticizes me, I take it doubly, because she knows me. She knows who I am as a man, who I am as a father, who I ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Exactly. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[43:57\] ...is the shield, it's who knows you so well that the feedback is worth receiving? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right, and so with this, it gets a little trickier in the workplace, because I mean, obviously, you're not, most of the time, going to have that relationship with a boss or a colleague. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** But professionally, they will know. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So they're gonna give-- |
**Adam Stacoviak:** They'll know you professionally. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. Well, however, if you're trying to buffer against that failure, you're actually forfeiting them knowing you and knowing the work you actually can do. So it doesn't actually work in your favor. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So you're saying that vulnerability, in that case - you have to examine it further to truly understand it, because there's benefits in being vulnerable in those scenarios? Not truly vulnerable, like "Here's my life story, here's all my failures and tribulations", but more so so they can have more co... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Correct, and so in what way do you let them in on what you're trying to optimize for and around in what you care most about? I mean, if they knew that for this particular task, you set up different constraints, because you're like, "Look, I'm trying to work on my productivity within a shortene... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, they won't have a full understanding of what you're trying to do, at all. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Exactly. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** You're not setting them up to have the necessary context for the opposite of rigidity, which is flexibility. You set them up for a flexible criticism towards you, maybe even grace, because they understand what you're trying to do. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. And so when I'm talking about what's healthy striving versus perfectionism, this is another key thing - you acknowledge the contextual factors which also played a role in the outcome of the task you were trying to do. Because look, if I didn't have access to another tool that I needed i... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Because my output would have looked different had I had the access to the tool that I wanted. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[46:35\] My perspective on this is very specific. So I've recently built several mountain bikes, and it's interesting to build a bike from the frame up. And what I learned was that having the right tool is crucial. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I mean, I couldn't build the bike -- so I failed at bleeding brakes, which is a difficult task. It's more difficult when you don't have the right tools. And so I, for a while, felt like a failure, because I couldn't bleed brakes. And what I realized was, oh, I was missing this particular tool that w... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so that's where you can start to look at what other things could help me manage this goal that I have differently? Is there a tool, is there a person, is there a thing that would be helpful instead of trying to just either avoid, or just wreck it and break it, becau... |
I really love having these conversations, because I even see it with you when we're talking about these a-ha's and ways in which our conversations make you think differently, and that's what I want for all of our listeners... And recognizing, ironically, one of the greatest tools we have access to is our mind, and the ... |
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