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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. Even thinking about being winded, when I'm doing significant cardiovascular exercise. That's uncomfortable for me, I don't love that, but recognizing "This is moving me in a direction of greater health, and it will end." So the more robust, the broader, the bigger that file is, the ... |
And then lastly, giving back. When I volunteer, when I engage in pro-social behavior, when I give without an expectation of receipt, I practice this sort of loving kindness life. The person didn't do anything to earn, to have a sense of merit around why I'm treating them in this way, but I'm practicing giving to others... |
• Parenting styles and shame |
• Erik Erikson's theories on middle-age development and introspection |
• Shame as an emotion/experience of inadequacy and irreparability |
• Shame as a relational component to disconnection and rejection |
• Evolutionary adaptiveness of shame as a signal for being outside the tribe/without support |
• Tribal nature and social species |
• Shame as a response to a perceived threat |
• Connection between shame and imposter syndrome |
• Hiding behavior as a result of shame |
• Identifying telltale signs of shame or imposter syndrome |
• Recognizing shame, naming it, and breaking the inner loop |
• Consequences of shame on cognitive function and decision-making |
• Naming and defining experiences can help increase awareness and understanding |
• Shame is the fear of not being good enough and can cause individuals to react with fight, flight, or freeze responses |
• Standing on one's "sacred ground" means being grounded in what is true for oneself |
• The concept of optimization is discussed as a way to reduce shame by focusing on one's own goals and priorities |
• The idea that the line keeps moving in various aspects of life, such as technology or personal expectations, can be overwhelming and exhausting |
• Contentment is proposed as a potential solution to the problem of shame, but it may also be perceived as shameful itself. |
• Discussing shame and contentment in relationships |
• Honesty vs. optimizing for external expectations |
• Being unique and authentic like individual art projects |
• Cultivating respect, honesty, and authenticity through self-reflection |
• Identity formation and understanding one's values and goals |
• Inner referee concept: balancing between inner critic and childlike self |
• Managing shame through connection and compassion with others |
• The impact of hiding and secrecy on relationships and mental health |
• Recognizing and overcoming imposter syndrome and disconnection |
• The power of vulnerability and confession in building trust and connection |
• The difference between private vs. shameful secrets |
• The influence of neuroscience, specifically the autonomic nervous system (ANS), on our behavior and emotions |
• The sympathetic nervous system is activated in response to physical or emotional danger, including shame, and prepares the body for fight or flight. |
• The parasympathetic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve and lumbar spinal nerves, counteracts the effects of the sympathetic nervous system by increasing digestive secretions and reducing heart rate. |
• When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, activating the sympathetic nervous system and suppressing rational thought. |
• The insula is a brain region involved in awareness, consciousness, and self-awareness, and plays a key role in regulating emotional responses to shame and other emotions. |
• Shame can be overwhelming because it activates the brain's primal response, making it difficult to access rational thinking and self-awareness. |
• Recognizing shame as a threat allows individuals to "name it to tame it" by identifying their tribe (support system) and seeking help to navigate the emotion. |
• The brain's response to stress and shame affects creativity |
• Updating one's "brain software" through mindfulness and self-awareness can improve performance |
• Metaphors between brain function and software development highlight similarities |
• Managing shame and vulnerability is essential for creativity and authenticity |
• Theodore Roosevelt's quote "The Man in the Arena" emphasizes the importance of showing up and trying, rather than criticism or perfection. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** I just think how parenting some years ago used to be very rooted in shame, and how often parents would say, "Shame on you, you know better. You know better than that! How dare you?" Let me translate, "What the heck is wrong with you that you would do that?!" |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, man. That's hurtful right there. Well, I think that that's a deep response from a parent, because that's layered in their own issues, as well as the child's performance, and their expectation of that child's performance and potentially even how many times that child may have ... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, ideally you do. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Ideally, right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah, so you reflect back. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, I start to think what happened earlier in my life that I am now a certain way because of those things. It may be shameful things where a parent is projecting onto you, "You should have done-- you knew better than this. How dare you? Shame on you for doing these things." And I wonder ... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So Erik Erikson came up with these theories of development and that there are different stages we go through, and this middle-age season is going, "Let me look back on my life. Am I doing something meaningful? Do I like what I've cultivated?" This is why people change jobs a ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** True that. That's for sure. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah, yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** There's lots of stuff that you're like, "That meant a lot to me ten years ago. Today, not so much." I didn't really consider this until just now, literally just now, but I feel like - and hopefully, I have a little bit more time than this, but I feel like right now, to use a fo... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[04:12\] Yeah. Well, I think it makes you look back and then reallocate what direction you want to head as based on that. Do you like what you've cultivated in the first 40, in the first half? Do you want more of that, or do you want to redefine what that looks like? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, that's good stuff there. So when we start to dig into this aspect of shame, it's different than guilt. But let's break down this concept of shame and what it really is. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Shame is really interesting; it's an emotion, but I would offer it's really an experience. Because shame as an emotion is so all-encompassing. For lack of a better way to say it, shame is this emotional experience of inadequacy, like nothing I do will ever be enough. Otherwise, it&... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Like you're broken. Can't be fixed. Not wanted, discarded. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. There are pictures that I have of different things over the course of my life, and I remember back when the anti-smoking campaigns were really big, there was this one that was of a woman with dark hair and the caption on it read, "What if what happened on the inside happened on ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, like the leper or the lame. They're not of everyone else and so they should just not be a part. Because they don't look the part, they don't act the part, they are definitely, visibly have something not like everyone else. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. So it's interesting because you're getting at the way in which shame has this other relational component to it, of disconnection. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, that's true, because it even happens in children with timeout. "You have to go over there. You're not allowed in the tribe anymore temporarily." This is a child's mind thinking this, because they're not fully cooked, as you say. It's a shame that might come with i... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. So whether the rejection is literal, it comes from someone else, or it comes from internally, you rejecting you, in this way, you're set apart in an irreparable way. So, now you're ironically more threatened. |
One clinician talked about this experientially and saying, "Shame, once upon a time, was far more evolutionarily adaptive, because shame was a signal to someone when they weren't with their tribe, they were flying solo." So it was dangerous. Can you imagine being in the jungle or some remote place and it&... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, it's a bad place to be. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[08:03\] It is. So even coming back to what we talked about at the initial episode - the fundamentals of being human, it involves we are tribal by nature. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, a social species. To not be a part of that tribe is-- it's a multi-layered, but it's very hurtful. Because you want to be with your group, you want to be protected, you want to be sheltered, etc. The shame is a signal of that not being a fact anymore, or even if it's just temporary... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. So shame is this response to a threat. It's actually a stress response. I have an awareness that there is some threat, and now I need to react to it in some form or fashion. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** A stress response. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. So it sets off this cascade of events in our brain around how do I manage a perceived threat. Remember, threats don't have to be legitimate for our brain to still run the play. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, that's the truth, too. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right? Just because you had an interaction with somebody, it doesn't mean that they're a lion, tiger or bear, but your brain doesn't know that. Your brain is still going to run the same play of like, "Oh, my Lord, there's danger ahead. Now I need to try to figure out s... |
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