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Why are all gender equality officers female... Because its cheaper | 5,618 |
What's the weakest part of a car? The nut holding the steering wheel. | 5,619 |
A girl is making a pie for a part but realizes there isn’t enough time to finish it by herself She calls her boyfriend and asks for help. Doting as he is, he comes over and begins working on the filling for her.
Together they finish the pie on time, and as she’s taking it out of the oven she notices that his arms are just bloody stumps. She exclaims “oh my god! What what happened!”
He looks at her confused. “I thought you wanted me to give you a hand.” | 5,620 |
The gum company looses his pencil That's okay he has an "Extra" one. | 5,621 |
A man and his wife attends an airshow
The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person" The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
Some years pass and the same situation comes up The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"
The man and his wife turned 70 years and they went to the same air show. The man saw the plane and turned to his wife and said: "we are getting old. This might be my last chance to take a ride in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, it's way too much money"
The pilot overheard this conversation and proposed an offer to the couple. "if you two can sit in the plane for the whole trip and not make a sound, you will get the trip for free. If you do make a sound, both of you will pay the full price." The man and his wife agreed to this and took a seat in the plane. The pilot took loads and loads of loops an spins before going in for landing.
The pilot turns to the man and said: "you're pretty tough for an old man, I didn't think you would make it"
The old man says "To be honest I almost said something when my wife fell out, but 200 dollars is a lot of money" | 5,622 |
What does a star wars fan fill their Toyota with? Toy yodas | 5,623 |
For years I wondered why biting my lip all sexy-like never seemed to work on the ladies... until my friend let me know you're supposed to bite your bottom lip | 5,624 |
Did you hear about the kidnapping? Dont worry he woke up though | 5,625 |
The curve is flattening in China On whom they found those curves remains a mystery. | 5,626 |
Why is it pointless to play hide and seek with mountain ranges? They peak | 5,627 |
The Hardships of a Pregnant Woman with a Large Family... I get knocked down, then I get knocked up again. | 5,628 |
Can't believe I'm about to do this.... With the quarantine in place, what's the difference between adults and the kids?
The kids are the only ones allowed to swing.... | 5,629 |
What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40? The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart. | 5,630 |
My father's joke Two guys show up to work. One has two black eyes. His buddy asks him "How'd you get a black eye?" He tells him, "I was getting on the bus this morning. The lady in front of me had a wedgie. I was kind enough to pull on her skirt to get it out of there, ya know? She turned around and let me have it.". His buddy laughs a little and asks "How'd you get the second one?" So he tells him, "Well I saw how upset she was so I put it back". | 5,631 |
One night at the bar..
So, a fellow walks into a rather large pub in Dublin, goes up to the bar, and orders a pint of Guinness. While the bartender steps away, the fellow does that slow scan one does in a strange room to see if he knows anyone, and his eyes alight on a fellow.
The bartender returns with the pint, and the fellow pays him. Then he asks, "That man over there. Does he look like me?" The bartender allows that he does, and the guy takes his pint to speak with the fellow who looks like him.
"Good evenin'," he says, "I couldna help but notice we bore a passin' resemblance to each other. Tell me, where were ya born?"
"Why, I was born right here in Dublin."
"Really? Me too!"
"An' do yeh still live in Dublin?"
"Aye, that I do!"
"Really? Me too! An' what street do yeh live on in Dublin?"
"Why, I live on O'Leary Street."
"Really? Me too!"
And the two men fall to talking. They talk so long, in fact, that the bartenders change shifts. The one coming on asks the one going off, "Did anything interestin' happen today?"
"Well, the Murphy twins are drunk again." | 5,632 |
What do you call a fried LM741 op-amp? Texas BBQ | 5,633 |
What flavor are stolen Doritos? Nacho cheese | 5,634 |
France says it is at war and the best way to fight that war is by staying at home. so it seems that they have just dusted off the strategy from 1939 then. | 5,635 |
Have you heard about the new disease? No, not THAT one. There's a venereal disease that originated in Russia. It's called *ROTCHERCROTCHOV*. | 5,636 |
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue Paint
Fuck, I’m bored | 5,637 |
A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why? Spy#3. He was Spy-C. | 5,638 |
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese. It’s the Wurst Käse scenario. | 5,639 |
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper | 5,640 |
My bird hospital was shut down by the city. They said it was due to ill eagle activity. | 5,641 |
What's the best thing about COVID-19? All these novel coronavirus jokes | 5,642 |
What do they do in Venezuela to Americans who don't wear green on St Paddy's Day? Pinches gueros | 5,643 |
Why did the pilot blush? Because he saw the air strip | 5,644 |
The NSFW feature will be turned off until further notice... Due to everyone working from home. | 5,645 |
A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.” | 5,646 |
There once was a man from Wuhan Who was the proud owner of a new inn
When he developed a cough
He drove his guests off
And that’s how he started the distribution! | 5,647 |
An indian tribe chief is hyping his warriors for upcoming battle Chief: We march tomorrow, we will burn everything on our way!
Warriors : Yes, chief yes!
Chief : When we get there we will burn their crops and kill all their animals!
Warriors: Yes, chief yesss!!
Chief: We will destroy their walls and burn their houses!
Warriors: Yes, chief yessssss!!!!
Chief: We will steal and take everything they have!
Warriors : Yes, chief YESSS!!!!
Chief: We will kill their women and rape their men!
One of the warriors gets confused and asks: You mean, we will kill their men and rape their women
Chief *in sassy voice*: When you become the chief you can choose | 5,648 |
A joke about a poor grandpa An old grandpa was speaking to his granddaughter and he said "I am really getting old, luck is by my side. Even when I enter the bathroom, the lights turn on without me touching the switch"
So the granddaughter was asking the grandfather's doctor about the bathroom thing and the doctor said "Oh crap, he's been pooping in the fridge again." | 5,649 |
What should you do if you're attacked by a mob of clowns? Go for the Juggler! | 5,650 |
You wanna hear an awesome dad joke? "An awesome dad joke" | 5,651 |
*air horn sound* *another air horn sound*
Me: nope, this definitely isn't deodorant. | 5,652 |
Your mom is so fat that she got arrested by quarantene guards for being a gathering of 10 or more people. | 5,653 |
God said he won't get rid of coronavirus cuz of freewill to create whatever viruses we want | 5,654 |
What's green and sits on the patio? My medicinal marijuana plants. | 5,655 |
I don’t get why people keep running out of toilet paper ... They should just not drop it into the toilet. Problem solved. | 5,656 |
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands. I thought to myself...
“This sub has gone downhill”. | 5,657 |
Where did Vegans come from? Hummus Sapiens | 5,658 |
[NSFW] People told me that my dick would be completely different since my surgery, but I havent noticed a vas deferens because of it. | 5,659 |
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech asks the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he can not tell. But just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling between the birch and the beech.
The birch asks,"Mr. Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a test of the small tree and replies,"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!" | 5,660 |
Welp, this virus got me going.... All the way to the shower waffle stomping. | 5,661 |
Who was the first person in the galaxy to be infected by the corona virus? Wuhan Solo | 5,662 |
What do you call an astrophysicist who keeps going off on tangents? Neil Digress Tyson. | 5,663 |
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation | 5,664 |
I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant It's a real game changer... | 5,665 |
Theft of Aunt May's Jewelry John Smith was on trial for stealing Aunt May's jewelry. The crime took place at night and had been witnessed by a neighbor Tom Jones. Tom was on the witness stand testifying to seeing John Smith flee with a box under his arm.
The defense attorney cross examining ask,
"Mr. Jones, How far do you live from Aunt May?"
Tom replies, "About 200 yards."
Defense attorney, "And this took place at 11PM?"
Tom, "Yes sir."
Defense attorney, "You can identify John Smith from 200 yards away at night?"
Tom, "Yes sir."
Defense attorney, "Mr. Jones, You expect this court to believe that, just how far can you see at night?"
Tom, "I don't know but I can see the Moon." | 5,666 |
Now that we are all in quarantine I guess all jokes are inside jokes now | 5,667 |
I'd like to take a moment here to publicly endorse podiums... It's a product I can truly stand behind...
Norm McDonald | 5,668 |
Why couldn’t Jackie Chan catch the corona? He was very well trained in defence of Kung Flu. | 5,669 |
A young man goes to see his girlfriend's dad To ask for her hand in marriage:
"Sir, I have come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"
Dad: "And what does she have to say about this, young man?"
"Well, Sir... I don't think she would be against it. She has already given me everything else" | 5,670 |
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shat in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides | 5,671 |
Happy St. Patrick’s Day 2020 Oof Bad timing for TP Shortage. On St. Patrick’s Day. All that Beer and boiled meat veggies including cabbage. I realize the panic. This year St. Patrick Day will leave a big Skid Mark on My Memory. | 5,672 |
Although it looks bad now, I think small businesses will move past this and turn the page. To chapter 11. | 5,673 |
This week's best joke Your 401(k) accounts | 5,674 |
Two people are meeting, but before they shake hands, one of them goes “Do you have something that rhymes with borona virus?”
The other person replies “No, crippling depression doesn’t rhyme with borona virus” | 5,675 |
I’m out for... A beer run, said the husband.
Bring the corona not the virus, said the wife. | 5,676 |
Not mine. Feel free to remove if it's a repost. Year 2030.
Aliens invade the Earth.
\- Take a look! It seems that all earthlings died from some kind of virus?
\- Yes, that's true, but look how clean their asses are! | 5,677 |
To help with the coronavirus, I'm sending unsolicited dick pics to everyone I know and random numbers They always say laughter is the best medicine. | 5,678 |
My girlfriend said to me, "Look at me, I'm getting fat" I told her "Don't be silly... You've always been fat" | 5,679 |
Why didn’t the physicist trust atoms? Because they make up everything! | 5,680 |
“What did the photon say to airport security when they asked if it had any luggage? “Nope, I am traveling light!” | 5,681 |
Last minute survey They surveyed people about what's more tolerable in an elevator. A fart or a cough. By overwhelming majority the fart is winning 95% to 4%. The last 1% are afraid of elevators. | 5,682 |
What does the pope have in common with a Christmas tree? Both have balls just for decoration. | 5,683 |
I have just come back from Boots Pharmacy... ...to get a thermometer, but was told they were sold out by 8am that morning. I was told they had plenty of barometers on the shelves, but i said sorry, i don't give in to pressure sales. | 5,684 |
Werner Heisenberg is speeding around, trying to find a hall where he’s supposed to give a lecture. Just as he thinks he recognizes the street he’s been looking for, a cop pulls him over and tells him, “You were going 93.287 miles an hour!” Heisenberg exclaims, “Great! Now I’m lost!” | 5,685 |
A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar. Irishman: You two ladies from England?
Girl: No, Wales.
Irishman: You two whales from England?
Edit: I can't spell for the life of me... | 5,686 |
There's a newly opened pub near my house which is situated on the 50th floor of the building. Their food and drinks taste out of this world and their service is amazing. They have set the bar too high. | 5,687 |
So there God was creating the earth... So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world." Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all | 5,688 |
Whats the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer? The taste! | 5,689 |
What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello | 5,690 |
How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains? I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.” So off Johnny went to go ask his mother… “Mom why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“ Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said “WellJohnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr. Jones down at the railroad yard”. So off Johnny went to go ask Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“
Mr. Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!
I remember thinking this joke was so hilarious… And the funny thing is I had no clue what I was talking about. LOL | 5,691 |
When I was young, I asked my dad if I could have pets and he said no. He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.” | 5,692 |
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put
him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he
was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said
the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ........
.... but they kind of taste like peppermint. | 5,693 |
A teacher asked his students a math question. "You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher.
"What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked.
"What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!"
"You said *their parents* gave them five dollars."
"Yeah, so?"
"You work at an orphanage, you moron!" | 5,694 |
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic... I was in Daniel. | 5,695 |
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away. | 5,696 |
Some things you just can't explain.
##
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain." | 5,697 |
With every place going take out.... How does that work for strip clubs? | 5,698 |
What do you call it when someone with coronavirus sneezes? A coronal mass ejection. | 5,699 |
There was an old woman she died in her childhood. | 5,700 |
How did the cannibal survive Coronavirus? By the skin on his teeth. | 5,701 |
I've heard this one in English, German and Yiddish. A tourist was walking through an ancient section of Prague and noticed that his wristwatch had died. It needed a new battery.
He noticed a small storefront with a clock in the window, and went in. An elderly Jewish gentleman in traditional Hasidic attire was sitting behind a small counter. The tourist explained his problem.
"I'm sorry," the Jew said, in heavily accented English. "I don't repair watches. I"m a mohel."
"What's a mohel?" the tourist asked.
"A rabbi who specializes in circumcising little Jewish boys on the eighth day of their lives."
"OK - so why do you have a clock in your window?"
"So what SHOULD I have in my window?" | 5,702 |
Covid-19 copies itself you know! Its Plaguerism I tell you! | 5,703 |
Which came first the chicken or the egg ? The rooster. | 5,704 |
Do you know why you shouldn't ever tell jokes to a Terrorist? Because he'll *burst* into laughter! | 5,705 |
Do you know where Terrorists go when they die? *A bit here and a bit there* | 5,706 |
I love u A man said, “I love you so much. I could never live without you.”
His girlfriend giggled and asked, “Is that you talking or the beer?”
He said, “It’s me talking to the beer…” | 5,707 |
There were 10 cases of Corona at the Mexican grocery Then the hoarders came in
>!Now they're Corona-free! !< | 5,708 |
Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup? Because one more and it would be too farty... | 5,709 |
How does Snoop Dogg refer to his testicular cancer? Disease nutz! | 5,710 |
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
u/Bartlebyx thanks for the gold | 5,711 |
What do you call an orchestra of nice guys? A simphony | 5,712 |
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack
Those damn moose limbs. | 5,713 |
Shrinks want one thing And it’s fucking discussing | 5,714 |
Some facts about Ravens When Ravens fledge from their nests, they form into small groups of young ravens, called unkindnesses or conspiracies. As the ravens mature, they will stake off on their own to find a mate, convening into groups only when large amounts of food are present-- a dead elk, for instance.
We are able to attribute the reason ravens do leave these groups to being stressed out from large groups. Scientists have found that there are elevated levels of corticosterone in the stool of group living ravens compared to the stool of solo/monogamous ravens.
So in short, *Corvus corax* hormones-- mostly corticosterone-- denote bemoaning a more robust aloneness, but condone courting a consort, and forming a home to call ones own. | 5,715 |
Wanna hear a joke about the Hindenburg? Nah, that probably wouldn’t fly around here. | 5,716 |
Why Do men Love Blow-Jobs So Much? It's the only way to keep a women Silent...
for 30 seconds | 5,717 |
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