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What is frogs' favorite mobile application? Reddittt. Redditt. Redditt | 5,416 |
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. | 5,417 |
This stupid panic buying is ridiculous! I've just paid £15 for Oxo cubes...
The stock market's gone crazy! | 5,418 |
Should I tell a sodium joke? Na | 5,419 |
I'm in quarantine with my girlfriend and my mom It's really complicated to have sex, I'm afraid that my girlfriend hears us | 5,420 |
How is sex different from baseball? Tossing your bat in front of a crowd won't get you arrested. | 5,421 |
Getting screwed A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him that he could be sexually accommodated.
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the salesman.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
​
Edit: Re-formatted | 5,422 |
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck... So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.
After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?”
Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony... The Golds are busy repainting their apartment... And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.”
”What?! How do you know the Browns were... uh... *making love?*” Mr. Smith asks.
Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!” | 5,423 |
A woman was walking along the cliff side enjoying a good book... Just as she's about to reach the ending, a gust of wind blows the book out of her hands, down to the crashing waves beneath. Desperate to finish, she leaps after it, falling to her death.
Moral of the story: Don't jump to conclusions | 5,424 |
What do you call the behavior of someone who obsessively cleans their ear canals? Q-typical | 5,425 |
What do you do when a road talks shit? You block it | 5,426 |
The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection. Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages | 5,427 |
Teacher: "Johnny, your word is Euphoria. Please use it in a sentence." Johnny: "Euphoria is what I want to feel when I'm really excited and happy."
Teacher: "Very good Johnny!"
Johnny: "Yeah, I used to think I'd be excited and happy to fuck you or one of the other three gorgeous teachers in this school. Now I know I'd rather fuck EUPHORIA" | 5,428 |
When Harry Belafonte dies ...will he be a part of the Zombie Apocalypso? | 5,430 |
My brother recently adopted a chimp Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. | 5,431 |
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates... St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,
"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next,
"So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter.
Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front.
"Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds:
"Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!" | 5,432 |
What happens to a Gotham resident when he f*cked with the wrong bat? Worldwide Pandemic | 5,433 |
Sean Connery, 89, tests positive for CoViD-19 Locks away plank of wood and two brackets. | 5,434 |
What's brown and not very heavy ? Light brown | 5,435 |
I've just came up with this Youth under lockdown: quaranteen | 5,436 |
Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument... ...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?
Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”
They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr. Birnbaum, you have to solve this for us. Do you sit for the whole repetition of the Amidah?”
“That’s not the tradition,” he replies.
“So we stand?”
“That’s not the tradition.”
“Mr. Birnbaum, we’re screaming and yelling at each other...”
“THAT’s the tradition!” | 5,437 |
I've just checked that I'm insured against the Coronavirus. I think I'm fully covid. | 5,438 |
A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing. The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."
Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'
Laborer: "Do I have to?"
Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."
The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitchen where the farmer's wife and daughter are preparing dinner.
Laborer: "The farmer sent me to give both of you a proper fuck!"
The women are shocked: "No, he didn't!"
The laborer opens the window and calls the farmer over the field: "Farmer, both of them?"
Farmer: "What? Of course both of them, you moron!" | 5,439 |
Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper? Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
*6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes | 5,440 |
How do you kill a lvl 80 with one punch? Cough on your fist. | 5,441 |
2020 is the 5th leap year in this century If you divide 2020 by 5. You will get 404
So basically this entire year is an error! | 5,442 |
How are condoms and poop bags alike? If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands. | 5,443 |
Coronavirus is serious business I scoffed at how serious the Coronavirus was being portrayed.
Then I realized that I haven’t been invited to the Russian, Ukrainian, or Asian dating sites in my junk folder in weeks! | 5,444 |
"How long have you been inside?" I asked my new cellmate. "What's it to you?" he snapped. "Just hurry up!" I pleaded. "My ass is hurting!" | 5,445 |
Did you hear about the Polish version of 'Countdown'? 'I'd like a consonant. And a consonant. And a consonant. And a consonant...' | 5,446 |
Blind Date
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No, as a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most- Cars and Men. Therefore, I chose Carmen. What is your name?"
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf." | 5,447 |
Why won't the Coronavirus infect Donald Trump? Professional Courtesy | 5,448 |
What do you call a psychic dwarf who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large! | 5,449 |
Instead of Reddit we should call it... Recycleit, because it is just the same old shit over and over and over. | 5,450 |
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of co-ordination? Hand-eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee...
​
And if you didn't like that one, we also asked what her favorite tree was. Rumor had it, it was elm.
"It's not right, but it's OK." She replied, then clarified "I will always love yew". | 5,451 |
I recently had my friend from Boston over He took off his face mask for a second and sneezed near me.
"Hey, watch it! I don't want to get sick!" I yelled
"Don't worry" he said as he handed me a face mask. "I got you COVID" | 5,452 |
Sure, I’ll do trigonometry. Sure I’ll do trigonometry.
Sure, I’ll do algebra.
But graphing, is where I draw the line. | 5,453 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to. | 5,454 |
My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”... Ass King for a friend... | 5,455 |
I find with the weather heating up, whether I stay inside or go out... I’m getting Spring Fever. | 5,456 |
My sex life is like Coronavirus. It's caused many people to cover their face and it's ruined countless lives. | 5,457 |
Hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand. | 5,458 |
Find a joke about fruit Sometime, somewhere, I read a joke that was about these three men who got kidnapped by some native tribe. They made a deal, if the men found 5 of the same fruit and came back with it, they would let them go. So the men go and find their fruits in the jungle. The first man comes back with 5 apples, and before they let him go, they say he has to fit them all up his arse without making a sound, otherwise, they would kill him. He got two up there but made a sound putting the third one up and they killed him. He looked down on the tribal village from the heavens and saw the second man come back with 5 grapes. He watched him get told what to do and start putting them up his arse, without any difficulty. Just as the second man was putting the 4th grape in, he let out a laugh and got killed. The first man met up with him in the heavens and asked why he made a sound because he could've lived. Then the second man tells him that he saw the last man coming back with pineapples.
​
IDK how accurate that is to the original, but I don't think I told it nearly as well and I would like to find it, please. | 5,459 |
Social distancing is not new my friends practiced this in high school. And then in college. And my work friends have been doing it for years. | 5,460 |
Do your part to stop Covid-19 It’s time for America to cum clean! Please use hand sanitizer when you jerk off. | 5,461 |
We should really watch out for birthdays Too many birthdays can kill you | 5,462 |
What do you call a Spanish man who ran out of Toiler Paper during Lockdown? His Panic | 5,463 |
They've updated the self-checkouts in my local supermarket. Now they only say "unexpected item in bagging area" when it isn't toilet roll. | 5,464 |
Shout out to... all the people wanting to know what the opposite of in is! | 5,465 |
If social distancing makes you feel lonely... ... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company. | 5,466 |
While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula. His bite is worse than his Bach. | 5,467 |
What self help book should be banned in China? Bat Soup for the Soul | 5,468 |
Why can't I get a girlfriend? The only difference between guys who have a girlfriend and me, is a vowel.
They are 'fit as fuck' and I'm 'fat as fuck'. | 5,469 |
Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes but I think it's soup herb. | 5,470 |
Bus Stop
2 Mexicans are standing at a bus stop where they usually get picked up for day labor. The first Mexican notices one day that the other just pulled up in a new tricked out car. He went up to the other Mexican and started talking to him.
Mexican 1: Hey amigo, I see you here to get work every day I am here. I am always hired before you and you are here when I get dropped back off. I can usually only make $50 a day. How do you have money to buy that car?
Mexican 2: I have a good sign that I hold up while I stand here at the bus stop.
Maxican 1: I have a sign too. I seem to get more work than you.
Mexican 2: What does your sign say?
Mexican 1: Will work for $5 per hour. What does your sign say?
Mexican 2: My sign says, All I need is $10 more to get a bus ticket back to Mexico. | 5,471 |
How did the man who invented the bed of stone die? In a pillow fight | 5,472 |
Your mother is so fat That she was sent home for gathering in a public place | 5,473 |
My room mate said to stop using his utensils or he's going to move out... It's a whisk I'm willing to take. | 5,474 |
My dad fooled me We had a cable tie that didn't work it wouldn't lock, so he told me to get another one and Test it first. I did...... And due to the test it now was no longer any good as we coudlnt use it he just laughed a lot and said get another one | 5,475 |
A man walks into the bar And gets COVID19
Stay the fuck home. | 5,476 |
I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother. | 5,477 |
Quantum computing: Will it actually produce jobs? Yes and no.
​
(stolen from my mate Dave, who stole it from somewhere else etc) | 5,478 |
A man walks up to an Indian hot dog vendor Smirking to himself, he says, "Make me one with everything!" before handing over a twenty dollar bill.
The vendor chuckles good-naturedly before doing exactly that, piling a hot dog high with various condiments before handing it over. The man accepts it, but hesitates. "Where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor smiles knowingly. "Change," he says, "comes from within." | 5,479 |
What are rooms in a jail reserved for science majors called? STEM cells. | 5,480 |
What do you call a Rabbi that’s just left work? Off Jew-ty
(I’m sorry) | 5,481 |
Why did the writer cage himself in a tower? Because he was in-spired | 5,482 |
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because I want to find the person that has never heard this one. | 5,483 |
Hey, I just read that Apple is making a new version of Reddit Yeah, IReddit 2 | 5,484 |
What do you call a female rapper? 78 cent | 5,485 |
I can finally put a skill that I've honed over the years to good use in these trying times. Social distancing. | 5,486 |
I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now. As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September | 5,487 |
What’s another name for bread? Wheatloaf. | 5,488 |
What’s worse than pinning a baby to a tree? Pinning ten babies to ten trees. What’s worse than pinning ten babies to ten trees?
Pinning 1 baby to 10 trees. | 5,489 |
Karen buys toilet paper Karen arrives at the cash register with two packs of toilet paper.
The cashier takes one pack away "You are only allowed to buy one pack."
Karen: "Why?!"
Cashier: "Because there is a shortage."
Karen: "Why is there a shortage?..."
Cashier: "Because people keep buying more than one." | 5,490 |
I applied for a job in an office, and they asked me, what steps to you take in the event of a fire? Apparently fucking big ones wasn't the right answer | 5,491 |
Here is a crappy joke I think my mum has diarrhoea because is always losing her shit | 5,492 |
Everyone is buying so much toilet paper I feel like it’s just flushing money down the toilet. | 5,493 |
Guy: Did you know you’re the only one I’ve been with? Girl: Really?
Guy: Yes, all the others were 9s or 10s | 5,494 |
For some reason, I couldn’t read comfortably so i went to the doctor. I wasn’t happy with the results The doctor’s slip said it was because i had dailysex. How did he know? | 5,495 |
With all these people panic buying i decided i would go to the supermarket, That's when I realized all I can afford to do is panic. | 5,496 |
Cant wait to go back to work! I'm out of toilet paper. | 5,497 |
Trying to decide to go home to parents for quarantine and wrote this joke. I just wrote this 20 minutes ago. I laughed but I also understand it may be a bad joke. Here it goes
A single male adult decided to stay at home with his family when the country had basically shut down and went into quarantine.
Two hours into quarantine
Guy: \*rubbing his eyes\*
Mother: Don't toucha da face
5 minutes later
Guy: \*picking his nose\*
Mother (getting angry): Alexandre! Stop toucha da face!
5 minutes later
Guy: \*scratching his ear\*
Mother: \*walks over, grabs her son by the wrist, and pulls his finger out
Mother (wagging her finger disapprovingly): Don't toucha da face!
5 minutes later
Guy: \*Intensely jerking off\*
Mother: DON'T TOUCHA DA FACE JEFFREY!
Alexandre's father stops picking his nose while he continues to vigorously masturbate. | 5,498 |
What is long and always hard? Engineering entrance exam | 5,500 |
What is it called when someone dressed as a banana eats a banana? Cannabananalism. | 5,501 |
What is it called when someone piggyback rides Dwayne Johnson? Rock climbing. | 5,502 |
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time... The man looks at the tree.
"Only one last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose. | 5,503 |
Roland Garros postponed .... ..... Wimbledon won't be though - the only way to get through this shit is on Grass! | 5,504 |
Two prostitutes were walking down the road. Let's call them Millie and Susan. Millie's phone ran out of battery a while ago. Susan gets a call of a sudden.
"Hello, who is this?"
"Hey, is Millie with you..? This is her mother speaking. We've been trying her phone but we can't reach it"
"Ah yes, she's with me. Her phone's battery died out. What's up?"
"Well...her husband...he passed away...car accident..we're at his mother's house right now"
"I see...I'll tell her then...We'll be there in a few minutes"
Susan turns to Millie after hanging up the phone.
"Millie, I have to tell you something"
"What is it?"
*"Well...this might be hard to swallow..."* | 5,505 |
Priests are thrilled... They get to keep their gatherings under 10. | 5,506 |
Student goes to talk with her professor, about her essay She has been struggling in the professor’s class and needs advice on how she can get a good grade on the final essay. The professor looks at the girl and he tells her that a good essay is like a girl’s skirt. It needs to be long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep things interesting, and on his desk by Friday. | 5,507 |
Lent Honestly never planned on giving up quit so much | 5,508 |
What religion are bears? A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision | 5,509 |
I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts. All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts. | 5,510 |
I only use single ply toilet paper. It has a more personal touch. | 5,511 |
Some kids tp’d the house across the street last night. The whole street helped clean it up. | 5,512 |
A rich man in Beverly Hills was arrested over his car. The cop brought him into the station and asked him: "What is your name?"
He responded with "Actually, you can't prosecute me."
The cop responded with: "Why can't I?"
The rich man responded with:
"Because I just suffered from Cadillac arrest." | 5,513 |
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2² | 5,514 |
Ice Cream While on a class trip, Johnny notices three women eating ice cream cones on a bench. The first woman was taking little nibbles of her cone like a bird. The second woman was licking the ice cream like a dog lapping up water. The third was stuffing the entire cone in her mouth in one shot.
Johnny asked his teacher, “Which woman do you think is married?”
Johnny’s teacher responded, “The one stuffing the whole cone in her mouth.”
Johnny said, “No, the one with the ring on, but I like the way you think!” | 5,515 |
Anyone want to go in on a new app called CondTinder? You match with locals near you and see who gets the Netflix and Chills first? | 5,516 |
Not sure if this could be called a joke One just died and was born into a truly beautiful place, surrounded with all sorts of unimaginable pleasures. A man in a white robe came to greet him and said, "You can have everything you want - food, pleasure, entertainment."
He was so happy, and all day he tried all the things he had dreamed of while on earth. But one day, he got bored with everything, and called for a servant to come, and said: "I'm bored of everything here, I need something to do. Do you have anything for me to do? ”
The servant shook his head sadly, then replied, "Sorry. That is the only thing we could not satisfy your request. There is nothing here for you to do! ”
Hearing the servant finish answering, he said, "How interesting! I would rather go to hell. ”
The servant answered softly, "So, where do you think you are?" | 5,517 |
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