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Have you heard of this cool new symbol? It’s called a Khanda, it’s so Sikh! | 5,518 |
Is your refrigerator running? Well I hope so, you wouldn't want your unreplaceable food to rot. | 5,519 |
Beautiful Little Johnny was in school and the teacher asked the students to think of a way they could use the word beautiful twice the same sentence.
Lisa raised her hand and said, “Last night the beautiful sun was setting and the sky looked beautiful.”
Bobby raises his hand and said, “We live in a beautiful country and it’s called America the beautiful.”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “Last night my sister told my dad she’s pregnant and he said ‘beautiful, just fuckin beautiful!’” | 5,520 |
Why does a dominatrix make the best mod? Because they can whip any sub into shape. | 5,521 |
There were three laborers eating lunch on the top of a skyscraper... The Italian opened his lunchbox and saw a meatball hero. Flustered at the fact that his lunch is always the same, he announced that if he got another meatball hero the next day he would jump to his death.
The American opened his lunchbox and found a tuna sandwich waiting for him. Upset that his lunch is always the same, he proclaimed that if he got another tuna hero the next day he would jump to his death.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox to find a baked potato. Crushed that he has the same meal every day, he said that if he got another baked potato the next day he would jump to his death.
The next day the Italian got a meatball hero, the American got a tuna sandwich and the Irishman got a baked potato. All three men jumped to their death.
At their funeral, all the wives were standing around crying over their dead husbands. The Italian wife said how she thought her husband loved his meatball hero. The American wife told how she thought her husband loved his tuna sandwich. The Irish wife said, “He made his own lunch!” | 5,522 |
What do you call the combination of a dissertation and sign language? A perfect sign-thesis. | 5,523 |
I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account. Now all I can do is panic. | 5,524 |
I could beat the hell out of that kid downtown with eyes in his butt. butt eye kid | 5,525 |
A message to all those who are buying toilet paper in bulk The Coronavirus doesn't spread through the asshole | 5,526 |
Highlighters are making a comeback, mark my words! | 5,527 |
If gay means happy That I am extremely freaking straight | 5,528 |
2 finnish man are stranded on an Island What will they do to to get of the Island?
Nothing. They will build a sauna, find a way to make whisky, there will be silence except occasional finnish swearing | 5,529 |
I heard people say they think I'm going insane due to the quarantine I still can't believe my basketball would say that about me. | 5,530 |
I was on a metro the other day For some reason, it was outside. Then it started to go down a mountain.
I thought to myself,
This sub is going downhill. | 5,531 |
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapuss | 5,532 |
Did you know that our fellow United Nations colleague Winnie is the legendary Owen? U. N. Owen was Her? | 5,533 |
What does a Muslim say when they stub their toe? Shiite | 5,534 |
What is a scientist’s favorite way to get intoxicated? HighDroGin. | 5,535 |
To anyone hoarding toilet paper You must be one filthy asshole. | 5,536 |
I'm really worried this COVID virus, so I'm looking for any stonecutter jobs near me. I heard you'll be safe if you are in a quarry team. | 5,537 |
A teacher asked my daughter whether or not she knew she was tardy for school as I was dropping her off. Angry at the teacher. I said "Yes, this is the special ed class, right?" | 5,538 |
Ever wonder how cows are able to stand on such steep hills? They have strong calves. | 5,539 |
Why is a barn so noisy? Because cows have horns! | 5,540 |
For anyone looking for a non racist name for covid19 Let’s call it “Voldemort” since any other cant be named | 5,541 |
The virus is making the world go to shit... And I can’t even get toilet paper to wipe mine. | 5,542 |
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays. He said I have a weekend immune system. | 5,543 |
What do you call a kinky cow? Whipped cream | 5,544 |
If you see my wife talking to herself this week Mind your own business. She’s having a parent teacher conference. | 5,545 |
I like my coffee how I like my women With my DICK in it! | 5,546 |
I've got a shower thought for you! Wait a minute. This isn't my shower. OH SH- | 5,547 |
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously All they do is cheese and wine | 5,548 |
Everyone is buying toiler paper to resell it, but if you want to make real money... ...just resell your already used ones instead of brand new ones. | 5,549 |
The future is a little bit frightening Everybody is kung-flu fighting | 5,550 |
This whole quarantine thing looks like something out of a Quentintarantino film | 5,551 |
A supermarket is having a sale A supermarket is having a sale with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.
“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rule is that? Why would I buy dog food if I didn’t have a dog?” Angry but unable to resist the cheap price, the man had to go back home and bring his dog to the supermarket.
A few days later, the man went to the supermarket again for some cat food, but he met the same cashier who insisted that he prove he had a cat. So again he went back home and brought his cat.
When he needed to make a purchase from the supermarket for the third time, he knew what to do, so he brought a box to the cashier.
“What do you want to buy this time?”
“Just feel what’s in the box and you’ll know.”
The cashier put one hand in the box but couldn’t figure out what it is. “So what exactly do you want to buy?”
“I want to buy toilet paper.” | 5,552 |
We have to stay optimistic now Because positive is not a good sign.... | 5,553 |
A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?” The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women." | 5,554 |
A Man Finds a Lamp... A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.
The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.
The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."
The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminating all possible cancer cells and cures him of all preexisting conditions.
"I have cured you of all issues, and you will like a long and healthy life" the genie proclaims. "What is your second wish?" the genie asks.
"I want to be rich and never worry about money" the man says.
The genie looks up the man's bank account and adds 000,000,000 after the current balance. The genie says "you are now rich and will never have to worry about money again. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses and says "I want a bridge linking California to Hawaii."
The genie is taken aback, commenting "What? Do you have any idea home complicated that is? I have to get permits to build in international waters, ensure I don't block major trade routes, put gas stations and restaurants along the way with people to work them, billions of tons of concrete, not to mention a method to protect the road from natural disasters and about a million other logistical nightmares. That's way too complex. Please wish for something else. "
The man, feeling stupid from the genie's scolding says "ok I'm sorry I'll come up with a new wish."
After deliberation the man says "Ok for my last wish I want to understand women."
The genie looks at the man, sighs and says "do you want 2 lanes or 4?" | 5,555 |
What was the name of the film Sean Connery couldn't star in because he was too old for the stunts? Contagion | 5,556 |
Nail salons closed, hair salons closed... It's about to get ugly out there. | 5,557 |
Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16 If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity.... | 5,558 |
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months...... Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
​
Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards! | 5,559 |
If you were surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide: Imagine how surprised he must have been. | 5,560 |
Call me a racist if you want but I'd prefer an Uber. | 5,561 |
if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus? Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down! | 5,562 |
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch | 5,563 |
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. | 5,564 |
Everything is closed City rec centers, malls, restaurants, schools, and even your mom | 5,565 |
There’s a new gym in town that’s religious It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness | 5,566 |
How did the birds escape the coronavirus quarantine? They flu | 5,567 |
I was attacked by a band of flying nuns. It was a total Cloisterflock. | 5,568 |
18 years ago my dad made the best dad joke ever recorded. “Me” | 5,569 |
Hand shake? Sharing is caring | 5,570 |
Earlier today I felt like throwing up.. So I put a dart board on my ceiling. | 5,571 |
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you I miss him | 5,572 |
Capitalism is a stable economic system It's doing really well! | 5,573 |
How can you tell if a terrorist is well hung? A loud snap of his neck is a dead giveaway. | 5,574 |
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck. He finished his drink, and asked for his check.
Duck billed platypus. | 5,575 |
A man walked into a bar It was empty because of the corona virus outbreak so he just walked away with all the toilet paper from it | 5,576 |
Why everybody dance when I code? Because I make all-go-rhythm | 5,577 |
The fallout from the Sydney Kings quitting has spread... Japan now claims to have won the war in the Pacific on count back. | 5,578 |
Nine months from now, what will the name of the next generation of baby boomers? The coronials.
#
^(You heard it here first.) | 5,579 |
Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession comes by. One of the men removes his hat and holds it to his chest respectfully until the procession passes. The second man tells the first, "That was really decent of you, interrupting your game to honor the dead like that.
"It's the least I could do," he replied, "We were married for 40 years." | 5,580 |
How does an Introverted hypochondriac feel during the Corona virus outbreak? Validated. | 5,581 |
The government recommends all gatherings of 10 or more people to be canceled in these trying times I'd just like to remind everybody my comedy show is STILL On tonight. | 5,582 |
I once got arrested for telling a joke Don't worry, it was a set up. | 5,583 |
I got to work late, bleary-eyed and hung over as hell. Boss said, “I thought you said you had that virus at your house?” “No,” I replied, “I said I had a case of Corona that needed my attention.” | 5,584 |
Why do all Zebras wear glasses? Cause they can't Ze-Brah | 5,585 |
Daughters Birthday One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. | 5,586 |
April fools day is cancelled as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now | 5,587 |
If you gossip about other people on social media then you're a huge loser Chris! | 5,588 |
I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day She thinks i'm corny | 5,589 |
I just realized why I don't look good in pictures anymore. It's my face. | 5,590 |
On this, St. Patrick's day, how do we know beer is the holiest drink? God may have changed water into wine, but he named his people He-brews | 5,591 |
My wife told me that she's leaving me because I'm so arrogant, I told her "Don't let the door hit you on the way back in sweety" | 5,592 |
I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled. You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead. | 5,593 |
Two old guys walk into a bar. There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”. | 5,594 |
Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke? Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around. | 5,595 |
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baBOOM | 5,596 |
What kind meat do priests eat? Nun | 5,597 |
Sitting in my "socially-distanced home office", thinking I've forgotten to bathe or something; frankly, offending myself with what I assume can only be criminally negligent hygiene. Just dawned on me; my office happens to be located directly above the kitchen, in which there currently is corned beef & cabbage simmering in a crock pot... | 5,598 |
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT **I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**
**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**
***Think about it.....***
01, No Sports.
02, All Pubs to shut.
03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*
04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ...... THEY KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE!
05, They've name it after a beer! | 5,599 |
It's not going to be easy for Joe Biden to earn the votes of Bernie's supporters. Not even Bernie himself could do it. | 5,600 |
I saw two kids beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us. | 5,601 |
What is green and become red when you press a button ? A frog in a blender. | 5,602 |
What kind of sex does a priest get? Nun. | 5,603 |
I’m not surprised that everyone is in a rush to buy toilet paper lately. After all, everyone needs a shitload. | 5,604 |
Even under quarantine, it was an epic St. Patrick's Day night! Except now, the vomit in the bathroom, broken table, shattered pint glasses and piss beside the building all belong to me. | 5,605 |
My wife and I don't want any kids My kids are upset about that decision. | 5,606 |
* NSFW what’s the difference between your first shot of vodka and your first shot of cum? nothin, you just gotta take it like a champ | 5,607 |
Pretty bird John just recently acquired a very talkative Parrot from a co-worker.. John enjoyed his porrot but one day the parot just stopped taking. He was barely eating and always hanging his head down low..
John decided to take his parrot to the veterinarian. After his visit the vet told john that it was not anything serious. He continued to tell him that parrots are very social animals and most likely he is just in need of a mate..
So john took his parrot to the local pet shop to find him a mate.. he talked to the employee at the pet shop and said he needed a mate for his bird. The employee took him to the bird section of the store. After looking at about 6 parrots his bird picks up his head and says "raw raw that one pretty bird pretty bird" just so happens it was the most expensive bird in the place, but john wanted his bird to be happy.. so jon goes up to the cashier and she rang him up for his $1200 purchase...
When john and his birds get home he put them in the Bird cage together and put a blanket over them for privacy...thirty minutes later john hears the new bird screaming and the gage ratteling.. he hurts to the cage and lifts the blanket..
He sees his bird pulling all the feathers out of the new bird. John says " WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING". The bird replied " RAW RAW IF IM GONNA PAY $1200 FOR A PIECE OF ASS I WANT THIS BITCH NAKED " | 5,608 |
The month after pride month is my other favourite celebration... Wrath. | 5,609 |
Box under the bed When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*
In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner, Ruth could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, *“I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”*
…
Eamonn thought for a while and said, *“I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”*
Ruth was shocked, but said, *“Hmmm, Fiona Phillips, Penny Smith and Holly Willoughby. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”*
Eamonn thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Ruth asked *"Eamonn, so why do you have all that money in the box?"*
Eamonn answered; *“Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash”* | 5,610 |
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home | 5,611 |
I don't get it that some people still touch their faces. How can one be so stupid? :facepalm: | 5,612 |
After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom *Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.* | 5,613 |
I went to the doctor... Me: doctor help I've got 5 penises
Doctor: jesus christ how do your trousers fit?
Me: like a glove | 5,614 |
You all suck. I hate everyone in this sub-reddit you all are a bunch of scared little bitches feel free to go ahead and toilet paper my house. | 5,615 |
What’s the difference between a drum kit and my wife? The neighbors call the cops when they hear me beating my drum kit late at night. | 5,616 |
A rabbit goes into a bar A rabbit goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he has vodka. The bartender tells him that yes, he does have vodka.
Then, the rabbit asks: How much does a drop costs?
The bartender, confused, tells him that a drop of vodka costs nothing.
The rabbit, grining, replies: Then give me 1000 drops, please. | 5,617 |
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