text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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What is the difference between a Ford car and a porcupine? Porcupines have pricks on the outside. | 574,335 |
Interviewer: Are you good at programming? Me: Yes, I'm very good at writing nondeterministic C++ programs. Interviewer gives me the job. #nerdjokes | 574,336 |
I painted my computer black, so it would run faster. but the cops choked it to death, and ruled it justified. | 574,337 |
Froth too A guy saw an attractive Jamaican girl; he said...I love cappuccino...
He was not attractive at all, so when she him, she was disgusted and spit at him.
He said...oh wow with froth too.
. | 574,338 |
My mom said I had to become closer to Jesus... We haven't spoken much since the border patrol incident | 574,339 |
I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka Turns out he was my spirit guide. | 574,340 |
How to tell if a black woman is pregnant-- Have her squat over a watermelon and see if a bite is taken out when she stands up.
*Have seen the cotton-picker one way too many times, but not this one* | 574,341 |
Bar lion A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe. He has apparently already had one too many drinks but the bartender decides to serve him anyway. He orders two pints; one for him and one for his pet giraffe, Jeff. The bartender looks away and when he looks back both glasses are empty. The bartender watches the gir... | 574,342 |
Your Mother.. Your mother is so classless she could be marxist utopia. | 574,343 |
A priest and a boy are walking in the woods... The boy says to the priest "wow its really dark and creepy in here!! I'm scared!!".
The priest replies "how do you think I'll feel when I walk back alone?!" | 574,344 |
What's Paul Walker's favorite energy drink??? N.O.S.
too bad he can't handle the crash... | 574,345 |
Did you guys hear about the girl that had three vaginas? She kept getting fucked left, right and centre. | 574,346 |
What's Scrooge's favourite food? A humbug'er. | 574,347 |
Police aren't murdering innocent people. People are committing reverse suicide by cop! | 574,348 |
Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50
Coca-Cola........ $1.99
Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless | 574,349 |
A guy pissed off 7 bears and is getting chased! How do you describe the bears? Fast and Furious 7 | 574,350 |
Two native-american boys are walking through a forest One spots a bug on the ground, points to it and says to the other, "ew, squash it!" The other says, "no, i'm pretty sure it's a bug."
| 574,351 |
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents. | 574,352 |
3 guys walk into a bar The 4th one ducks. | 574,353 |
I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic. | 574,354 |
A man in New York City is attempting to get a job as a foreman of a construction site. The guy in charge of hiring says "Well, we need a pretty smart guy for the job, you think you can cut it?"
The man replies,"I'll give it a shot."
"Show me the number '9' without actually writing the number nine."
Guy grabs a piece... | 574,355 |
What's the difference between a loaf of bread and a penguin? "I don't know what?"
"We're sure not sending you to the store!" | 574,356 |
What is the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? My erection. | 574,357 |
Two men walk into a bar.. The other man ducks. | 574,358 |
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
That joke never gets old... | 574,359 |
What's the difference between rearranging your schedule and getting to second base with an ex-girlfriend? One is playing with your priorities, the other is playing with prior titties! | 574,360 |
Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there. | 574,361 |
How did the toilet paper beat the asshole in the election? With a smear campaign. | 574,362 |
A beer goes into a bar. He gets drunk. | 574,363 |
Being a mailman must be the most boring job in the world. It just sounds so redundant. | 574,364 |
Why did the pasta get in trouble? Because he was stroganoff! | 574,365 |
The Egg Race Who came in first?
The over easy egg because it was really runny.
How about second?
The over medium egg because it was only a little runny.
And last?
That would be the baked egg. | 574,366 |
Joke tutorial **intro**
I love this joke, and I feel like this is a great place to put it. I ALWAYS get someone with this joke. The story can be a variation, but the punch line has to be a certain way. PROTIP: tell the joke in a group, the sucker will never live it down.
**Joke**
These two gay guys meet up for t... | 574,367 |
What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool? Your girlfriend. | 574,368 |
My friend peed on the floor so he can come into my room. I looked over at him and told him "You're in" | 574,369 |
Woman: "Can you please call me a taxi?" Man: "You're a taxi" | 574,370 |
A man walks into a bar Ouch. | 574,371 |
What do you call the occasionally toxic, organic substances that accumulate over the years in a hoarder's house? Horticulture. | 574,372 |
The problem with Freud... The problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle.
Edit: testable* | 574,373 |
Jesus wasn't a very good carpenter... I mean... He couldn't remove three nails to save his life.
| 574,374 |
What's the shortest way to the front page? Up vote to find out. | 574,375 |
How much does a dragon weigh? Wonton | 574,376 |
Do you have any superstitions? I don't have any, I think they're bad luck.
Edit: Heard this one from Vin Scully remembering Andy Van Slyke's sense of humor. | 574,377 |
I had a dream that I ate 5lbs marshmallow... I woke up and my pillow was gone. | 574,378 |
What's the tragedy with little people? They lead such short lives. | 574,379 |
They just opened a sperm bank for gay couples. You can get it by the buttload. | 574,380 |
Billy goes hunting with grandpa Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.
"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"
"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."
Convinced that Billy ... | 574,381 |
Two white guys, Tyronne and D'Andre, walk into a bar... What? That could happen, you racist! | 574,382 |
I want to start a customizable shoe store in Canada I'm gonna call it "It's All About You" | 574,383 |
A world-class engineer dies after a long and happy life. When he goes to be judged at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter accidentally screws up his papers and sends him to hell. Satan is more than happy to have him, as he doesn't get many engineers and could put this guy to some great use. With the engineer's help, Satan ma... | 574,384 |
A bar purchases a robot and the robot is programmed to be able to talk to anyone; all they have to do is to tell the robot their IQ and it will strike up a relevant conversation with that person.
A man walks in and the robot asks for his IQ. "160'" replied the man, so he and the robot start discussing string theory, t... | 574,386 |
Don't anthropomorphize your pets... They hate it when you do that. | 574,387 |
I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day... I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression. | 574,388 |
Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters? It's a tankless job! | 574,389 |
At the height of The Beatles' popularity... a woman walks into a tattoo shop and pulls up her dress, exposing her thighs. She points the the left thigh and says "I want a tatto of John Lennon here," then to the right, "and Paul McCartney right here.".
After agreeing on a price, she jumps on the table and the man go... | 574,390 |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? -Makes a choking noise- | 574,391 |
Emos have the hairiest pussies Because you know they don't use those razor blades to shave | 574,392 |
Every 5 seconds, a woman gives birth to a baby. Please, stop this woman. | 574,393 |
A communist tells his friend before going to bed, "I'm going to take a nap." He wakes up as a libertarian. | 574,394 |
Did you hear about the kidnapping in school? He just woke up! | 574,395 |
I fostered a kid last night Not bad a can right in the back of the head form 20 yards | 574,396 |
Thought for the day Hillary Clinton is truly a carpet bagger. | 574,397 |
A new missionary arrives in Africa . . . A missionary had just arrived at his new station in Africa, and was being briefed by the man he was about to replace.
"Brother," said the old missionary, "We have truly done the Lord's work here. We have taught nearly all the wild animals in this part of the continent to unders... | 574,398 |
[nsfw] the ultimate trifecta of dirty joke so, i was going down on my grandma,
and i started to taste donkey semen,
i looked up at my dear sweet grandma and said,
" jeez, grandma thats how you died?"
| 574,399 |
A chinese couple had a black baby They named it "Sum Ting Wong". | 574,400 |
The answer to 4 Leg, 2 Leg, 3 Leg riddle is a man... because a woman is on her knees all day. | 574,401 |
What's Shrek's favorite shape? A shrek-tangle! *ba-dum tss* | 574,402 |
What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday? A bit late, but....
A blonde who heard a joke on Friday. | 574,403 |
a bear walks into a bar... a bear walks into a bar the bartender says "what can i get you? the bear says"................................................................................................................................................i will just have a beer" the bartender says "why the big pause?" | 574,404 |
Canadian light beers are like having sex on the beach. It's fucking close to water. | 574,405 |
A seal walks into a bar The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club." | 574,406 |
Game of Thrones Supports Hillary V: The seven kingdoms needs a ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name.
T: Good luck finding him.
V: Who said anything about him?
Ready for Hillary | 574,407 |
What does Hilter get when he's scared? The hebrewgeebies | 574,408 |
A is for... Miss Miller's Kindergarten class was playing the alphabet game one morning. She sat all the kids in a circled and asked, "Who can name something that starts with the letter A?" Only Danny raised his hand. Now Danny had a bit of a reputation as a wild child but she figured she'd give him a shot anyway, so sh... | 574,409 |
What do you call Brienne's Dad? Tarth Vader. | 574,410 |
You may think it's a good idea to go to weight watchers to meet women... but actually the ones there are quite hard to pick up. | 574,411 |
Why Didn't* the Chicken Cross the Road? Because he was too chicken!
Sorry. | 574,412 |
So a man lives in the outback. This man had a dream of moving to America to make more money, but because he lives in the wilderness so his parents never thought it was important so they told him when he was born.By this time they died, so he never knew. So, because he's an honest man, he collects his life savings of $2... | 574,413 |
A leopard cub gets in trouble at school So this leopard cub, at cat school, gets in trouble for getting answers on another cat's papers during a test. The principal calls his mother and lets her know what happened and that he wasn't honest about it when they asked him if he did it or not.
So the leopard gets home and... | 574,414 |
You know what's wrong with baptism? They don't hold them under long enough. | 574,415 |
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? Because he fingered a minor. | 574,416 |
Eight bytes walk into a bar The bartender asks, "can I get you something?"
"Yeah", the bytes reply, "make us a double" | 574,417 |
[Discussion] Is anyone else freaking out a little about the 365 Fatebringer in the Bungie post? I for one was really concerned that I would have to leave my most precious weapon behind, sitting in my vault. But alas, Bungie has quelled my fears with the promise of restoring this awesome weapon to full power. *Cue the t... | 574,418 |
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid 200 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. | 574,419 |
An Irish Confession A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the sa... | 574,420 |
SMITH'S QUESTION... One of our co-worker Mr Smith went missing
for a few hours and we tore up the
place looking for him. The boss
finally found Smith fast asleep. Rather
than waking him, he quietly placed a
note on the man's chest:
"As long as you're asleep, you have a
job but as soon as you wake up,
you're fired!"
Sho... | 574,421 |
A religious man wasn't paying attention when he was driving. His karma ran over a dogma. | 574,422 |
I just got fired for sexual harassment. I'm self employed. | 574,423 |
Why don't frogs use screws? Because they prefer rrrrrivets.
*been using lots of rivets on a project lately when I came up with this awful dad-style joke. But I'm 40 and a dad so I'm a fully-licensed dad joker ."* | 574,424 |
American light beers are like having sex on a canoe... Its fucking close to water | 574,425 |
So a man thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte So a man thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte, and he beats up this guy in the name of France. At the mental hospital they ask "Do you really think You're Napoleon?" He replies "I don't think, I know!" So they ask him "then why did you hurt that man?" And he says "Because God told me t... | 574,426 |
How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream. | 574,427 |
I went to the zoo and there was one dog in the whole zoo. It was a shih tzu | 574,428 |
What's the odd one out? What's the difference between your meat, you wife, an egg and a blowjob?
You can beat your meat, your wife and an egg, but you can't beat a blowjob! | 574,429 |
What day was Doris Day born? Doris' day. | 574,430 |
Janice and Jamie were on the last day of their vacation...(Caution: Punny Joke) Janice and Jamie were on the last day of their vacation, and they had spent the whole day on the beach. When the girls were ready to leave Jamie turned towards the ocean and said, "Good bye ocean!" Janice immediately replied with "look it's... | 574,431 |
Yo Mama Chain Yo mama so stupid, she sat on the T.V, and watched the couch! | 574,432 |
Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump. | 574,433 |
Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday All I saw was a swing and Amish | 574,434 |
If you make fun of Dwarf Fortress... I'm gonna break Urist. | 574,435 |
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