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A growing number of parents are trying to force feed their children. Experts can offer no explanation. Citing, "Even Master Jedi use spoons." | 574,436 |
I know a place where you can meet tons of women. Weight watchers. | 574,437 |
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED] Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought. | 574,438 |
Gorilla Removal One morning a woman is washing dishes and looking out her kitchen window when she notices a gorilla in a tree in her back yard. Not knowing what to do she looked in the yellow pages under "gorilla removal" and found a number.
About a half hour later a man in a pick up truck with a ladder, shotgun, a ... | 574,439 |
How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb? Three.
War never changes. | 574,441 |
Y'all have heard about the WTC7 fallling down right? What did it fall from? Peer Pressure? | 574,442 |
How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever? You stop feeding it. | 574,443 |
why should you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck. | 574,444 |
Conjugating verbs is great It's always in-tense | 574,445 |
Yo mama's so dumb... She heard it was chilly outside and ran and got a bowl | 574,446 |
What kind of Bees make milk? Boobies. | 574,447 |
I like my Coffee how i like my women Hot. | 574,448 |
I love eating German sausage.... but it always gives me the wurst farts.
HA HA HAHA Ha....ha....^ha ^ha^ha......^i'llshowmyselfout | 574,449 |
Wanna hear a joke about ding dong ditch? Knock Knock. | 574,450 |
What is your favorite one or two line joke? (X-Post from AskReddit) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/32df3n/what_is_your_favorite_one_to_two_line_joke/
There were some funny jokes in there | 574,451 |
A black man walks into a bar his cell door was still closed. | 574,452 |
Forest joke I've always heard this joke as a kid, but was told it in the polish language. It stuck to me since to this day. I feel like it's such a short and simple joke, may as well share it for a laugh.
Two friends are sitting on the bench.
One friend to another, "Look at the beautiful forest!"
Friend replies, "C... | 574,453 |
Deodorant I told my mom that I needed more deodorant, so she bought me some. I said thanks, and she said don't sweat it. | 574,454 |
The government joke One day, a father and son walk into the bank when they see a coin bank of Uncle Sam. There is a coin slot in the arm, which the coin runs down so it drops into a small satchel in his hand. The father puts one in, and it rolls down, but drops and bumps off of the bag, landing on the floor. The father... | 574,455 |
A recently divorced man goes to Las Vegas After winning some money he decides to find a prostitute.
After finding one he asks "how much would a hand job cost?"
She tells him 500 dollars and he hesitates to spend so much money.
She shows him the fancy watch she's wearing and says "look at this watch, I bought it from g... | 574,456 |
Why are lemons yellow? They don't know it either - that's why they are so sour | 574,457 |
A Bear walks into a bar part 2 A bear walks into a bar
(Bartender) Hello what will you have
(Bear) Ill have a .......................
............................................................................................................................................................................................. | 574,458 |
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair | 574,459 |
Mother-In-Law Wisdom Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and ... | 574,460 |
A polar bear goes into a bar bartender: "Hey, I got a drink named after you"
Polarbear: "Do you have a drink called Allan?" | 574,461 |
How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized. | 574,462 |
An English Teacher turns around to find the new foreign exchange student staying behind after class... Student - Excuse me Ms, can you tell me how to do better my homework please?
Teacher - Sure, what is it?
Student - I'm having problems with he-here.
*Lays his finger on textbook page*
Teacher - Ah.. I see. Well, l... | 574,463 |
Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt? L'Hospital. | 574,464 |
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted :) | 574,465 |
What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus? "Nailed it!" | 574,466 |
So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end, so he decided to travel the world doing services and meeting cardinals and bishops around the globe. Despite all this travel, he, of course, never drives. He always has a different ... | 574,467 |
How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, she will screw anything but it will cost you a hundred or so. | 574,468 |
Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes? There was a sin tax error.
[8.5] | 574,469 |
A tree walks into a bar ... The bartender asks him to leave. | 574,471 |
does anyone want a free puppy? contact me. we can both talk about how we want free puppies. | 574,472 |
What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems? Ant-Eye Biotics
(Dad joke, I know) | 574,473 |
Urf is gone. Urf is gone!!! This is the only option.
http://gyazo.com/2306ac0a6ad22f91c046028359fce2f0 | 574,474 |
A man walks into a bar... Ouch. | 574,475 |
i hate music... it's just not my forte... | 574,476 |
I wanted to buy tickets for the paralympics But it would cost me an arm and a leg | 574,477 |
I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures. | 574,478 |
What are you Johnny...? Where does the phrase "What are you, Johnny two shoes?" come from? It is said in an Italian accent. Every time someone does something stupid in my unit, we say "What are you Johnny [action taken place]?" I tried doing a search online using quotes, but I could only find "What are you Johnny Tw... | 574,479 |
I got an adjustable stand/sit desk at work... So I don't have to take the customers' shit sitting down! And when I can't stand it anymore, I can still get my work done while sitting. | 574,480 |
A guy says to his friend, "we should open a joint bank account." His friend says, "what for?"
The guy says, "I just told you, weed money!" | 574,481 |
My fruit business went into liquidation. I now sell smoothies. | 574,483 |
Why does it take *two* premenstrual women to change a light bulb? #BECAUSE!! | 574,484 |
What's the difference between a traahy bis station and a lobster with implants? What's the difference between a trashy bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. | 574,485 |
What's the difference between running over a lawyer and running over an aardvark? There's skid marks leading to the aardvark's dead body. | 574,486 |
'Knock Knock.' 'Who's there?' The pilot. | 574,487 |
Getting paid to sleep... That's my dream job. | 574,488 |
We need to stop joking on fat people so much. They have enough on their plate already. | 574,489 |
Today I was wondering "why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"... ... And then it hit me.
- Steven Wright | 574,490 |
What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart? One is a bar room, and the other is a *BARROOM!* | 574,491 |
There's something about Ireland that I don't like I don't know whether it's the fact that it's hard to breath there or the fact that their factories often produce thick smog, but there's something about the Eire I just don't like. | 574,492 |
How do you spell that? t-h-a-t | 574,493 |
Non-sequitur A non-sequitur doesn't follow; for instance, I once had a really unmotivated stalker. | 574,494 |
Hov is a divorce like a Mississippi tornado? Either way you'll lose your house. | 574,495 |
So this guy is a fabulous piano player... And a great singer, too. He's got an audition at the local piano bar. He performs his first song, and the manager is blown away.
"Wow! What's the name of that song?" he asks.
"It's called, 'I fucked your mom on Tuesday last week.'" the man replies.
"Oh, well, can I hear anot... | 574,496 |
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone. | 574,497 |
Two fish are in a tank. One fish asks the other fish "How do we drive this thing?" | 574,498 |
What do you call a black woman on the moon? An astronaut. | 574,499 |
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party. | 574,500 |
Some jokes are like 12 year olds If you have to explain what's happening, it's probably anal rape. | 574,501 |
What's hitler's favorite yu-gi-oh card? Blue eyes blond dragon. | 574,502 |
An old lady at an ATM asked me if I could help her check her balance... So I pushed her over. | 574,503 |
Congratulations to /r/India for their campaign for net neutrality I guess you can say it's thanks to subcontinent sub content. | 574,504 |
I smoked meat yesterday... I think that's how I got salmonella. | 574,505 |
Did the Deer have any doe? he had 2 Bucks | 574,506 |
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the social ladder. | 574,507 |
did you hear about the flaccid, chinese penis that ran for presidency? He didn't stand a chance in the erection. | 574,508 |
Mother’s dream A soldier was talking to his mother on the phone and mentioned that he will start training on parachute landing this week. His mother felt worried and pleaded him not to go on with it, but he said: “I am a soldier, mom. I’m expected to do bolder things.”
On the day before the training, his mother called... | 574,509 |
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut you racist bastard | 574,510 |
Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor? The doctor said it was all in her head | 574,511 |
What do you call angels without wings? Friends.
How about a friend that **has** wings?
An employee at KFC. | 574,512 |
Police: "we are not racist" "But we are not shooting blank" | 574,513 |
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the F out of safe, and the F out of way. | 574,514 |
I think I met a medieval water snake But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel. | 574,515 |
What's a buddhist's favorite cat? Beats me, I never hear of them getting pussy. | 574,517 |
Polish bank robber tied up the safe, blew the guard. | 574,518 |
Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters. | 574,520 |
What's the fastest biscuit Scone | 574,521 |
What's the difference between a blowjob and a burger? Oh, you don't know? We should do lunch sometime. | 574,523 |
What Super Models should you invite to your birthday party ? What Super Models should you invite to your birthday party ?
Cake Moss and Naomi Candles | 574,524 |
A bear goes into a bar he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
| 574,525 |
On a recent evening a man came up to me at the front desk of my library. He was carrying a large plank of plywood. On the plywood were copious amounts of what appeared to be a flour and water mix. He might have put yeast in it to make it airier and lighter. He had shaped the mixture into a kind of giant map. There was... | 574,526 |
How did the hipster got his tongue burnt? He drank his coffee before it was cool. | 574,527 |
What do you call a herd of masturbating cows? Beef stroganoff | 574,528 |
What car is so cheap that anyone could purchase it? A Ford. | 574,529 |
Whats Paul Walker's favorite TV show? The Walking Dead. | 574,530 |
My girlfriend is a pornstar... She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
| 574,531 |
Hey! Wanna hear my Ebola joke? Nah, nevermind. You won't get it. | 574,532 |
What is the difference between a divorce and a hurricane in the south? Nothing, someone is losing a trailer! | 574,533 |
I've heard that a support group has been started for writers who can only sell their work to Barnes & Noble It's called Authors without Borders | 574,534 |
I went to the movies yesterday, and I met the most insensitive homophobe there I mean, just the mere sight of me masturbating sent him off on a rant about "morals" and "his children" and "security". | 574,535 |
I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm. brace yourself | 574,536 |
Whet is the difference betwen scouts and jews? Scouts come back from their camp. | 574,537 |
No one believes seniors . . . An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk the... | 574,538 |
What do you call a person who keeps falling over? Tripical | 574,539 |
Man goes to doctor in pain. "doctor doctor... Can you help? "
The Doctor asks " what seems to be the issue? "
Patient " when I touch my shoulder it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts in fact when I touch anything it hurts"
"take him to x Ray" says the doctor.
Patient says in shock "how can I have broken everyt... | 574,540 |
Women are so crazy. Take my wife, ... please! | 574,541 |
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