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I went to the gym and did a negative pullup today. It was a letdown. | 574,542 |
Someone keeps throwing cheese at me Yeah, real mature. | 574,543 |
My friend bored me when talking about Latin... they had discussed it ad nauseam. | 574,544 |
How do you catch a unique animal? Unique up on him. | 574,545 |
How do you tell the difference between a normal potato from a slutty potato? The slutty one has the sticker that reads Idaho. | 574,546 |
Why did the hipster cross the road? This joke is too mainstream. I'm outta here. | 574,547 |
A thief, a murderer, a cop and a sex offender walk into a bar. He orders a drink | 574,548 |
Do you know the difference between peanutbutter and jam? You can't peanutbutter your dick up someones ass | 574,549 |
What do prime numbers and white girls have in common? They literally can't even. | 574,550 |
Two pieces of string walk into a bar Two pieces of string walk into a bar. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."
So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:
"No, I'm a frayed knot." | 574,551 |
4 guys are chatting at a bar and the topic of jobs comes up... First one says "I'm a musician."
"I am too!" "So am I!"
"I'm a musician too!
Three of the guys burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the drummer. | 574,552 |
Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine. | 574,553 |
I asked my cousin how she got off reddit "pinterest" | 574,554 |
Employee requested for a leave and got FIRED!! "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave."
~ James | 574,555 |
A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a masochist are walking down the street The zoophile says: "Let's find a cat and rape her!"
The sadist says: "Let's find a cat and kill her!"
The necrophiliac says: "Let's find a cat, kill her and then rape her!"
The masochist says: "Meow." | 574,556 |
Why are hot peppers so nosey? cause they're jalapeno business | 574,557 |
What did the french food critic say when he was given a savoury pancake? "It's crêpe" | 574,558 |
Did you hear about the cabriolet driver who caused a fatal accident? He was driving roof-less. | 574,559 |
How do you know you've had a really good orgasm? When you have to pull the sheet out of your ass... | 574,560 |
What goes "whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle whiffle" for about two weeks? The Proclaimers wearing corduroy trousers. | 574,561 |
Yo mamma's ghost is so fat... ...even the priest couldn't exorcise her!
https://twitter.com/YoMommasGhost
BONUS: Yo mamma's ghost is so dumb, she thought a deadlift was a haunted elevator. | 574,562 |
Van Gogh's best friend was his brother Theo He would often lend him an ear. | 574,563 |
There's a STD epidemic in Japan Pixeltitis. Everyone has it!!! | 574,564 |
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better. | 574,565 |
What is the difference between a human and a potato? Time | 574,566 |
What did one archeologist say to the other archeologist when he screwed up? I've got a bone to pick with you | 574,567 |
Fruits of Labour (It's all in the delivery) A few weeks ago I woke up in a particularly fractious mood, I think because I’d been eating Soljanka into the wee hours of the morning. I came downstairs and I decided to have a banana for breakfast, just a banana, keeping it simple. And I was looking at this banana lying there in front of me when some rage started to come over me. I started laying into the banana - verbally not physically, I’m not aggressive in that way, I always talk before I hit - and I really tore it off a strip, articulate, you know, calling it shorty and ugly and things like that. Incidentally, something you should know about bananas is that they are very placid, either that or they have long memories. Anyway after five minutes I felt I’d said enough and before it could think of a come-back I ate it in two gulps.
So feeling pleased with myself and in a funny way virile, I packed my good tie and went off to work. After lunch my boss comes up to me and totally lays into me, telling me my work output is well below par and that he thinks I’m short and ugly, the latter of which I personally felt was unreasonable. Now, before you ask how the court case is going let me tell you that kind of negativity and put-down was not unusual. Me and my boss we had issues, along the lines of Putin and Poroshenko, and I figured today he was just ball-aching about some lost investors. Also, you know, I have background information on him. Nevertheless I was smarting by the end of the day.
The next morning I woke up with the same feelings of malice and I start to think that maybe I’m just not a morning person. Again the banana gets it, both barrels and I’m calling out, ‘Anybody in there? Eh? Come on out!’ And again just after lunch I get it from my boss, both barrels, almost word for word. This went on two weeks.
Finally I figured: voodoo, you know, that I was caught up in some weird gris-gris and that I was experiencing everything the banana did, right up until I ate it. So, the next day I was deliberately nice to the banana, calling it sweet, funny and smart and most of all purposeful and I thought by doing this maybe I’d get back the same sorts of compliments and in the long run my life would be immeasurably enriched. I get into work and all is good, everything’s going real well and I think I’ve nailed it right up until after lunch when my boss gives me another torrent of abuse and punches me in the mouth. There and then I handed in my notice and now the joke is on him because I won for constructive dismissal. | 574,568 |
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in it's eye? Chicken caesar salad. | 574,569 |
So I've to board my submarine off the coast of the Seychelles and monitor the Somali pirates as they sail around the coast of Mogadishu. This is my latest submission. | 574,570 |
A man brings his dog to the vet for a checkup The vet picks up the dog and looks in his mouth, he checks out the dog's eyes, ruffles his fur to make sure it is thick and soft, examines his stomach, his paws and his tail.
The vet then looks at the owner sternly and says"I'm very sorry sir, but I'm going to have to put your dog down".
The owner is bewildered at such news and exclaims "What! Why doctor?"
At this the vet replies"because he's heavy". | 574,572 |
Why do we call dogs, K-9? ...because K-10 is for cats. | 574,573 |
Two black men are walking down the street. They pass a shop that advertises "Be White For a Day! Ninety-nine cents!" The two black guys decide to try it out and they look to see how much money they have. One guy has a dollar bill, and the other guy has exactly ninety-eight cents.
They decide that the first guy will go in with the dollar, get his change and then give it to the second guy so he can go in. Problem solved.
The first guy goes in, and after a few minutes, he comes out with white skin, kakhi slacks, a polo, and a golf cap. They laugh and admire his new race for a minute.
Then the second guy says, "How bout that penny?"
The first guy yells, "GET A JOB!" | 574,574 |
My dad is sadly hooked up to a life support machine. My mother says he is the most switched-on man in our town. | 574,575 |
I always wake up my friend by shouting "Hands off cocks! On with socks!" I don't think she likes it. | 574,576 |
Why can't the show COPS film with the LAPD? Because snuff isn't allowed on television. | 574,577 |
I like the NSA They're the only government agency that listens | 574,578 |
How is parsley and pubic hair alike? You just brush them off to the side and keep eating | 574,579 |
I turned down a free meal at the steak house yesterday. It was a missed steak. | 574,580 |
Where do people go for pasta related crimes? A PENNEtentiary! | 574,581 |
I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalks... ...for keeping me off the streets | 574,582 |
A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs." | 574,583 |
This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." | 574,584 |
I just discovered my new room mate is secretly a hard core racist and i wonder if should report him to the police. The dude takes part in illegal high speed car races at midnight | 574,585 |
How I flirt is how I run. It's funny to watch, I have no form, and I end up sweating like a mother fucker whenever it's over. | 574,586 |
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face. | 574,587 |
If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed... Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.
*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected. | 574,588 |
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." | 574,589 |
Why does a middle eastern person not give a blowjob to an American? Why does a middle eastern person not give a blowjob to an American?
Because he hates Bush. ahahahah
Get it George Bush ......
Ill see myself out..... | 574,590 |
What do you call a midget with Down's Syndrome who arrives to class late? A little tardy. | 574,591 |
The Engineer and the Guillotine There were three people lined up to serve their punishment of death via the guillotine. Among them were a prostitute who'd spread disease among the town. A drug dealer who had ruined the lives of hundreds. And an engineer who had killed hundreds with a poorly made bridge.
The prostitute was first, she stepped up, laid back, and the king asked, "do you have any final words?" She replied, "I'm sorry for all of the disease I have spread, may God have mercy on my soul." The guillotine was sent down to kill the girl, when all of a sudden it stopped within inches of chopping off her head. The king, and all of the townspeople believed it to be an act of God replying to the girl's cry for mercy, and thus let her live.
Second was the drug dealer, he stepped up, laid back, and the king asked if he had any final words. He replied, "I'm sorry for all of the lives I have ruined, may God have mercy on my soul." The guillotine was sent down to kill him, when again it stopped within inches of chopping off this time the drug dealers head. So again, the king let him live.
Third up was the engineer. He walked up, laid down, and the king asked if he had any final words. The engineer replied, "Oh, here's the problem." | 574,592 |
What's the difference between a dragon and a cheap hooker? One of them blows fire. | 574,593 |
Knock Knock. Who's there? No, he's on first.
**I totally just thought of this, where do I go to collect my money?**
*Edit: spelling | 574,594 |
LPT: Converting your dishwasher into a snow blower! Give the bitch a shovel! | 574,595 |
I have a great joke about Native Americans But... I'm afraid some people will have some reservations against it. | 574,596 |
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you see later, and the other you see in a while. | 574,597 |
What's a woman's favorite monkey? Macaque. | 574,598 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? The aristocrats. | 574,599 |
What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish? Pick up lines | 574,600 |
In preschool, I became friends with a little girl I showed her mine, and she showed me hers. However, a preschool teacher found out about it, and I was fired. | 574,601 |
Why will the ghost never succeed in life? He's too eeriesponsible!!!! | 574,602 |
What do you call Abby who lives in the city? Downtown Abby | 574,603 |
Dead again During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!" | 574,604 |
The Dot For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with internet technical advice. | 574,605 |
How do you stop Harry Potter from spreading rashes? Tell him to quidditching it | 574,606 |
Why were the racist oranges upset when they checked out the small phonebook of their new city? Because it was mini apple list. | 574,607 |
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat. | 574,608 |
Two youths in New Zealand held up an Ice Cream truck this weekend Allegedly, they stole hundreds and thousands.
For americans:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprinkles | 574,609 |
Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag. | 574,610 |
Egyptians are quite good at recognizing conmen. They're not falling for that pyramid scheme business again. | 574,611 |
When someone tries to hand me a flyer... ...it's kind of like saying "Here, you throw this away." | 574,612 |
How did the crazy man get across the forrest? He took the psycho path. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 574,615 |
I sold my soul the other day. Now I walk with a limp. | 574,616 |
I just heard the words "she received an academic scholarship from the university of Alabama." I never thought I'd hear "academic scholarship", "university" and "Alabama" in the same sentence. | 574,617 |
The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it. | 574,618 |
Have you ever noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are ones you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
There's such balance in nature! | 574,619 |
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
| 574,620 |
What do you call a rock group of 4 men who don't sing or play music? Mount Rushmore.
^^Or ^^Nickelback. ^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry. | 574,621 |
My friends bakery burnt down... It was toast =D lmao | 574,622 |
Why can't the bike stand by itself? Because it was two-tired. | 574,623 |
What's the difference between a lobster with a boob job and a Greyhound terminal? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station. | 574,625 |
Which UK party will the sleeping pigs be voting for in May? The Lay-Boar Party. | 574,626 |
Who is more enthusiastic about performing oral sex, fat men or skinny men? Fat men, they'll eat anything. | 574,627 |
The Buzzards Are Coming So a farmer's dog won't stop humping legs.
Farmer kicks him out of the house and says "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer wakes up to find all his chickens are splayed all over the hen house.
The dog is sitting in the corner panting, clearly having just sexually violated all of the future chick-fil-a kid's meals.
Farmer yells at the dog: "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer wakes to find all of his pigs and cows banged into oblivion.
Farmer yells at the dog: "Damn dog, you're going to fuck yourself to death."
Next day the farmer sees the dog laying on his back off in the distance on a hill. Seemingly dead.
Farmer hikes out to find his dog dead. Farmer says, "damn dog, you fucked yourself to death."
The dog opens one eye and says "shhhh, the buzzards are coming." | 574,628 |
What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish? Preheat the oven | 574,629 |
Lawyer goes to jail to confer with his client. Lawyer says: "Joe, I've got some good news and some bad news." Lawyer: The bad news is that they did a DNA analysis of the blood found at the crime scene and you're going to charged with triple homicide.
Prisoner Joe: What's the good news?
Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 200.
| 574,630 |
While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates. Oops wrong sub. | 574,632 |
I don't believe in star signs but that's me... typical capricorn! | 574,633 |
There's a new TV show on AMC about people who run away from grains and wheat. I hear they call it The Walking Bread. | 574,634 |
"So your telling me that you'd be willing to lick your SO's butthole..." "But all be damned if you would share a toothbrush!" | 574,635 |
Why was Phil Collins... ...never a good betting man?
Because he always went Against All Odds. | 574,636 |
A man and his motorcycle A man has been saving up money for months to buy a motorcycle. He goes to a vintage bike store near his house. Regretfully, the storeowner tells him that none of his inventory falls within our hero's price range.
Just as the man, sullen and defeated, turns to leave, the storeowner remembers something. "Wait. I do have one bike I can sell you. The only catch is there are some exposed wires. It runs fine. Just make sure you rub some vaseline on the wires when it rains." The man buys the bike. He is elated.
That night, he goes to his girlfriend's parents' house for dinner. Before they make the door, she tells him to remember one thing: "Don't talk at the dinner table. The first person to talk at the dinner table has to do the dishes."
"That's no problem," the man says. "I'm happy to do the dishes." His girlfriend shoots him a foreboding look.
When they walk into the house, the man is greeted with a pungent, formidable scent. It is then that he notices that the house is lined floor-to-ceiling with moldy, disgusting, months-old dishes.
He decides that something must be done.
Ten minutes into dinner, the man puts down his silverware. He proceeds to grab his girlfriend, throw her onto the table, tear off all her clothes, and ruthlessly pipe her out in front of both her parents. Once he is done, he glances at his girlfriend's father. Dad is clearly infuriated but says nothing. The meal continues.
Another ten minutes pass and the man grabs his girlfriend's mother and repeats the task. Gives it to her in the strictest of biblical senses.
Again, he looks at dad. Dad is beet red, seemingly read to pulverize the man. But he says nothing.
They continue to eat. Suddenly, a great burst of thunder peals out and it begins to rain torrentially.
"Oh, shit, I need some Vaseline!" the man exclaims.
Dad recoils and raises his hands.
"That's OK. I'll do the dishes." | 574,637 |
They turn into gherkins... (NSFW) A man was having a quiet beer with a friendly undertaker. After a few drinks he built up the courage to ask him "you must have some crazy work stories?" The undertaker quietly nodded as he finished his beer. He went on to explain "the woman's downstairs parts change quite dramatically". "Go on..." insists the man "well they kinda turn into a gherkin" said the undertaker. The man looked confused and asked "What, like green?!?" To which the undertaker said "No, salty". | 574,638 |
I went to the shop to buy eight legs of venison... But it was two deer. | 574,639 |
I bought pink cotton, but my wife wanted purple. So I killed her. | 574,640 |
Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea? He took a ship. | 574,641 |
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter he's not coming anyways. | 574,642 |
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
| 574,643 |
Prom Date A nerdy high school guy has liked a popular, beautiful girl at his school for years. Senior year he's had enough of being a loser, so he asks this girl to their prom. To his immense surprise she says yes!
The next day the nerdy guys date tells him she needs a new dress for the date, so they make plans. In their small town, they go to their one dress store, which is packed. Everyone needs a dress so the line is very long and takes hours to get passed. Eventually, they get the perfect dress and are super excited for prom.
Days pass and the nerdy guy realizes he needs a suit to go to prom, so his date and him go to the town's suit store, and the line is at least twice as long. They wait until the store is just about closed and get the last suit, which luckily fits perfectly.
The only thing they still needed was a limo, as every prom couple gets a limo. As they arrive at the store, the line's around the block. The couple waits all day until it's finally their turn to get the limo. The line had taken almost a full day, and they dont think there will be another limo. Fortunately they get the last limo and are all ready for the perfect prom.
As prom comes around the nerdy guy and popular girl arrive in a perfect suit and dress, and a beautiful limo. They go into the dance and are having a great time. They spend hours dancing and start to get tired. The guys date asks him if he could go get her some punch. The guy looks over and to his utter dismay, their's no punch line! | 574,645 |
What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? they can smell it, but they can't eat it. | 574,646 |
I'm not that into rape culture It feels too forced. | 574,647 |
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