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And that's why I didn't win! | Sorry, sir, sorry. |
Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco-load, use a denser ripping gel... | Denser?! |
You know, I really do miss being a lady. | And I miss being your knight in flabby armor. |
Oh, Homie. | Ready for a real workout, Marge? |
Mm-hmm. | Good. Can you wax the car? Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm kidding! I'm kidding! |
Dad, it's so enlightened of you to take us to a WNBA game. | Yeah, well, nachos are nachos. |
Fine, I'll go back to being bored. | Wow, I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that. |
Fine, I'll go back to being bored. | Mmm... Farfetched. |
The winning fan is in Section A, | Yes... |
Row 12... | Yes... |
... Seat 16! | Woo hoo! |
... Seat 16! | Huh? |
Thanks for supporting the WNBA, sir. | I think my leg is broken. |
I'm sorry sir, your car is still blocked in... | Well, I guess Flanders doesn't have all the luck. |
That cuts the mustard with me. | It's not fair. I always wanted to drive a food-shaped car. |
The steering wheel is a giant onion ring! | They thought of everything! How come all the good things happen to Jesus H. Nice? By which I mean Flanders! |
What are you doing? | The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side. |
That's because you keep passing out on our lawn. | No that's not it. He's got some secret. And I'm gonna find out what it is, no matter what it takes. |
Well, whatever I've got I owe to hard work, honest living, and flossing my teeth, tail and toes. Plus a little prayer now and then. | So that's all it takes, a little prayer. |
And now "Ken Burns," a documentary by Ken Burns about the life of Ken Burns. | Ugh, where's the remote? |
They so consumed my life, I never had time for a proper haircut. | Well, since I don't have the remote, I can just get up and change the channel. |
They so consumed my life, I never had time for a proper haircut. | Wait a minute. I'll do what Flanders does. |
They so consumed my life, I never had time for a proper haircut. | O, Merciful God, who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder, help me find the remote. |
They so consumed my life, I never had time for a proper haircut. | There it is. |
I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives. | Die, monster! |
You're watching Monkey Olympics on Fox! | It worked! I got my wish! From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding. |
She's throwing her diaper at the judges! | O Lord, please guide that diaper into someone's schnozz. |
She's throwing her diaper at the judges! | Yes! |
Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer? | You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realize he helps shmoes like me, too, Carl. |
Makes sense to me. Ooh, by the way, did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating? Whose banana you gotta peel to get a five point nine? Could not believe that. | Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders, who is now seated at your right hand, shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious new taste treat like he did? I command you! |
Fudge! | Mmm. Move over eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend: Fudge. |
Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge. You can't keep bugging Him for every little thing. | Can and will. Now to un-stop this sink. |
Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge. You can't keep bugging Him for every little thing. | Lord, please use your space-age, clog-busting powers on this stubborn drain. Then take some time off for yourself. Fly to France. Have a nice dinner. |
I'll just call a plumber. | Oh Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge. For thou art most wise... |
You know, most people pray silently. | Marge, he's way the Hell up there. |
Your pipes have more roots than the list of all-time top-rated TV shows. | Well, we could live with a stopped-up drain. |
I don't think all that moisture's gonna do wonders for your drywall. And it ain't in such great shape as it is. | You was hiding behind the drywall. Yes you were! I'm glad Social Services didn't see this. Yes I am! |
I don't think all that moisture's gonna do wonders for your drywall. And it ain't in such great shape as it is. | Ooh, you coughed up some dry wall. |
Slip and fall? Can't go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Junior. And I will fight for you! I also habla español. | So that's your answer! I'll sue the church! |
Homer, we can't sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. | It wouldn't be the first time. |
Homer, we can't sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. | I couldn't help it. Those pews are so comfortable. |
Homer, please don't sue the church. I'm asking you as your friend and neighbor. | Can I borrow your pen to sign this deposition? |
We're very sorry for the victim's injury. But as this tape demonstrates, Mr. Simpson is accident prone. | I can't see anything in this fog. |
Okey-doke. We find for Mr. Simpson in the sum of one million dollars. | Woo-hoo! Can I get that in lottery tickets, please? |
That is gonna drive me nuts. | Look, this church is our only option. Don't you kids want to live here? |
And there are so many places to cloister myself! | The dog's on board, too. |
And there are so many places to cloister myself! | Aw... he thinks he's papal. |
Well, the court has spoken, so... here you go. The baptismal font tends to run, you have to jiggle the handle. Oh, and Wednesday is garbage day. | Sweet. |
Dad, there's a bunch of people in the Community Outreach Center. | We'll just see about that. |
Homer, that was not very Christian of you. | You're right, Marge. I'll make it up to them. By throwing the bitchin-est beer bash this church has ever seen! |
int. church - continuous) | Bless you, bless you, how you doin'? |
So where's Marge? | She went to Lovejoy's temporary church. She's worried about her immortal soul. |
Homer aren't you afraid you might be, I don't know, incurring God's wrath? | Eh, God's cool. |
See, I don't know that He is. In the bible he's always smiting and turning people into salt. | Oh look, God's giving us a little shower. |
See, I don't know that He is. In the bible he's always smiting and turning people into salt. | Everybody, look at the much-needed rain. Thank you, God. Now turn the rainwater into wine. |
Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town. They were misled by a demon in blue pants. | I guess I learned something here. God is capable of great anger and great mercy. But mostly great anger. |
I can't believe you talked me into this. | It's such a mess. Watch the teeth! |
How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me? | I was going to tell you on my deathbed. |
Your father invested it in a college trust fund, which today must be worth a... | La la la la la la la la la. |
But there must be some sort... | La la la la la la la. Nothing left. La la la... la... la. |
You spent all the money I earned?! | I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. |
You spent all the money I earned?! | Look. See. You're fine. And then--oops! Uh-oh. Look out... |
You spent all the money I earned?! | I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero! |
You spent all the money I earned?! | See, Bart. I saved you. |
Bart, stop that! | That's okay. His cute little hands can't even fit around my neck. |
Bart, stop that! | Now he's got it. |
Mom, I am sick of the way he treats me. He disrespects me and I'm just supposed to accept it? | That's right. You're mine till you're eighteen. And when you're seventeen I'm gonna know the end is near, so I'm gonna work you like a dog. |
I heard a wonderful saying today: "forgive and forget." | Yes, son. At times like this I just look at my bracelet. |
Good point, Dad. What would Jesus do? | Jesus?! I thought it was Gepetto! |
Good point, Dad. What would Jesus do? | Who is it? |
I'm here to serve you with a subpoena. | Well, I'm not opening the door. |
It comes with a side of bacon. | Is it crispy? |
Yes. | But not too crispy. |
Yes. | See you in court. |
Yes, I want to be emancipated. | Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude? |
Mom, you've always been cool to me. But Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore. | Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find. |
Mr. Simpson. Your son alleges that you have an anger management problem... | Why you little...! Um, I'm sorry, Judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor. |
"Why you little...!" | Why you little...! |
All rise for the verdict. | Son, I just want you to know, whatever that judge decides, I'm gonna be the best dad I can. |
No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own... | Woo hoo! You're still mine! And you thought I was a bad dad before. |
Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid. | Mmmmm... garnish. |
That means half your paycheck goes to Bart! | What the--? Half goes to Bart. Half goes to my Vegas wife. What's left for Moe? |
Homer, don't make things worse. | I'll show you worse! |
Homer, don't make things worse. | I was told this would be televised! |
Sorry Mom. I gotta go. | Go ahead, leave. You'll come crawling back. |
Sorry Mom. I gotta go. | That's right! Crawling on your knees! |
Sorry Mom. I gotta go. | Crawling! Oh, he's really gone. He's gone! |
Darn it! I keep pouring juice for five. | Did you see that, boy? Your mom thinks you're still here! |
I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better. | For your information, I've been taking steps to become a better father. |
I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better. | For the past week I've been carrying around this bag of sugar. It's taught me how to love and care for a child. |
I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better. | What the-- where the hell is my sugar?! |
Hi guys... Dad. | Hello, son. You're looking well. |
Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV. | Of course, because you wouldn't want to... I paid for your splendor, you...! |
Well, that's great, honey. | Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all. |
Well, that's great, honey. | You know son, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I was wrong to exploit you, and I won't do it again. |
Thanks Dad, that means a lot to me. | So, do you think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your maw and me? |
Just a reminder: If you're getting bogus returns on your investments...contact Goldman Sachs, the skewwwed financial planners. Up next on the half-pipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk. | Psst, Mr. Hawk. May I have a word with you? |
An extreme word? | Sure. My son is Bart Simpson and... |
I didn't say extreme to the max. | Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly. |
I can relate. I'm a father myself. One day they're little shredders. And the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college. | Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest so I can be a hero to my boy again. |
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