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Maggie! Press the red button! | Damn it! |
Lisa! You're all right! | Oh good, she's here in time to see us die! |
You can do it. Red! | Well, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere. |
Uh-hmm. | Well, I think we all learned a lesson today: don't try to be something you're not. Namely, food. |
I believe I can answer that. | How'd you get in here? |
I'm afraid your daughter is no longer welcome at our school. She's as common as an angry woman in an Ibsen play. | Zing. |
She could be... at sweeping up hair. | That's my baby, jerk. |
But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest... from the hood! | I am so there! |
Sorry, pally, the Dingleberries are sold out. But looking at you, I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment. | How 'bout "Diet Coke -- the Movie?"... "President Air Bud: Tail To The Chief?"... "My Big Fat Greek Salad?" |
Sold out... Sorry... Not a movie. The only movies starting now are "The Re-deadening" and "Teenage Sex Wager." | Ooh, well, I am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity. And the wager only sweetens the deal. |
Mr. Simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide. | "What Would Jesus View?" |
Ah, two for "The Re-deadening," please. | "The Re-deadening"? Is that any good? |
Classic Hollywood story -- the director saw my photo in a medical book. | Hey Lenny, is your film appropriate for kids? |
Oh yeah, there are lots of kids in it! They fall victim to a vicious-- | Don't ruin it for me! One adult and four children for "The Re-deadening." |
Mr. Simpson, I'm scared. | Relax, stupid. Everything you see is make believe. Although it is based on a true story. Some of which happened in this very theater. |
Dad, I don't like this movie. Can we go home? | Oh honey, don't be scared. Look, they killed the evil doll. |
Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. | But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors -- like roofing and driveway scams. |
Homie, that Kojak is sexier than Cannon and Barnaby Jones put together. I think he looks a little like you. | Who loves ya, baby? |
How about a little "interrogation?" | Okay. You have the right to remain sexy. Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex. If you cannot afford a sex-torney-- |
Good. Can you play with him for half an hour? | I don't see any ghost. I did find this Newsweek from 1986: "Why America Loves Saddam Hussein." |
Good. Can you play with him for half an hour? | That's it. It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin. |
None other! I've been hiding in your attic -- living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters! | I thought we killed him! |
No we didn't. | But I did delete him from my bulk email list. |
That's right. Twice a week I get your email of the monkey peeing in his own mouth. | Oh yeah. That monkey got America through some tough times. |
Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it, just 'til I get back on my feet? | No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife. |
Oh my. Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's. | C'mon, little fella. You're hangin' with me tonight. |
I fold. / Me too. / I'm out. / I'm done. | I'll see your fifty cents and raise you one dollar. |
Well, I'm out of cash. But would you accept ninety-eight per cent of the outstanding shares of ZiffCorp stock? | And the peanuts in your mouth. |
Achem! | All of them. |
Flush. What have you got? | Four jacks. |
Flush. What have you got? | Check it out! I own a multi-national corporation. I always knew some day I'd be a C.O.D. |
It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence. | Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me -- I own two hundred and thirty million shares of ZiffCorp stock. |
You're the majority shareholder? | I sure am -- with all the inherent legal liability. |
All right, I admit it. I did run ZiffCorp into the ground. Then this man took me into his home when no one else would. And now, as a result of his brilliant card playing he's the one you want! Tape his mouth so he can't deny it! | Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I've joined the Blue Man Group! I'm the fat one! |
Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust? | Plead the fifth amend-what? |
Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust? | Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what? |
Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust? | Inseminate myself? Dudes, I think this guy's comin' on to me. |
Oh, for heaven's sakes! | Your majesty, can I go home now? |
Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson. | Can I apply my time toward a future crime? |
Oh Dad, I missed you so much. | Oh my God! Maggie, you're talking! |
Homer, I believe that's Lisa. | Oh Bart, what a man you've become. |
I have to admit, I'll miss having him around. | I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff. |
INT. AZTEC THEATER - A little while later) | Man, even I think movie popcorn has gotten too big. |
INT. AZTEC THEATER - A little while later) | Get your own, mooch. |
Trebulon Minor...? | Oh, I'm so bored! Maybe I'll clean out my wallet. |
Trebulon Minor...? | Hey, my car insurance expired. Quite a while ago. |
I'll write the letter. | Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather! |
We're gonna have to track Randall Curtis down and make him listen to us. | And I know just where to find him. 742 Evergreen Terrace. |
Dad, that's our address. | He's in the house? |
Well, northern California is wine country -- we could take a tour. | And it's a perfect time... I just got fired again. |
Enjoy your tour, and take it easy on Mr. Curtis. Your father and I will be across the street at The Lush Valley Winery. | Marge, are you sure we should go drinking together? I mean, who am I gonna complain about while I'm drinking? |
We should do more together. You're my best friend, Homie. | Well yeah, legally. But if we're really best friends, how come we never play hoops? |
The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter. | Hm, all right, we'll go on the winery tour. But you'll have to catch me first! |
The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter. | Ow, my ankles snapped. |
The Mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool Pacific winds, mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway. | Ahh, summer in Tuscany. |
Mmm, it goes great with the Jolly Rancher I'm sucking on! | Pleasant aroma, rich full body, well-aged... and the wine's not bad either. |
"Fox Broadcasting, 10201 West Pico, Building 203..." | I drank this much! |
Homie, to store the extra wine we bought, I made a little wine cellar. | Ooh! Can I have my special cup? |
Homie, you are so cute. | Oh honey, I love to hear you laugh. |
I don't talk like that. | Yes you do. |
Moe's Tavern? That's your fun place, like me and the lamp store. | Come on, we'll have a blast. Kids, while we're out, the TV's in charge. Go to bed when it says. |
Now, in a step I perhaps should have taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector's guide. | All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel. |
Did you guys get home at two last night? | Yep. Your mother and I have become a legendary party couple. Like Scott and Zelda Munster! |
Do you have to make such an unholy racket? | Sorry, Marge -- I gotta break in my ski boots some time. |
Maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for a while. | No problem. We can still have fun without you drinking. |
Okay... and maybe you could cut back too. | You got it. And when I feel weak, I will draw strength from the Bible. |
Okay... and maybe you could cut back too. | Uh-oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke. |
I hope I can still have fun while everyone else is drinking. | Don't worry, honey. I don't even know if they serve alcohol at this thing. |
Eins, zwei, drei, beer! | Ahh, the Germans. You just can't stay mad at 'em. |
Isn't that a little big? | You can just nurse it. |
Isn't that a little big? | Nurse it! Nurse it! |
Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great. | Yes, and you've said that several times now. |
Eh, why do people worry about stuff?... it's all gonna work out. | I'm in no condition to drive. Wait -- I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk. |
Eh, why do people worry about stuff?... it's all gonna work out. | Okay, okay. Remember the rules for drinking and driving. Drive slow but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert. |
Eh, why do people worry about stuff?... it's all gonna work out. | What the? |
Eh, why do people worry about stuff?... it's all gonna work out. | Nice work, cruise control. |
Maybe someone else is here. And maybe he'll step forward and admit to being the real culprit. | Aw, this is a new low for me. |
I can't believe I drove drunk. | But you do believe it, right? |
I don't know what to believe anymore. | That's my girl! |
Where's your wife tonight, Homer? | She's not coming anymore. |
What? It's 'cause of her I put in a bidet. Well, it's actually just a step ladder by the water fountain. | Listen, Moe. I did something really terrible to someone I love. |
Hey, look. I've been in the bartender business for a long time alright, I've heard it all. | Well, what I did was... |
What are you? You're like a monster! That's like the worst thing I ever heard anybody do to anybody. You should be drinkin' watered-down beer in-in-in a chipped glass, on a stool with a nail sticking up. | Can I have some peanuts? |
Oh, thank God. You're finally fighting your demons. | My demons and I are closer than ever. Next year we're gonna visit every major league baseball park. I'm just goin' in to bust Marge out. |
Well, that's good too, I guess. | Feed my pets and tape my shows! |
Where's the package? | Dammit! |
Homer? | Marge! |
Homer? | I have an awful confession to make: you didn't crash that car, it was me. I put you behind the wheel and I'm so, so, so sorry. |
You let me believe that I'd done such a terrible thing? | Marge, I did it out of love. Love of not being arrested. But I realize now that nothing is more important than you. |
I can't believe you did that to me. | That woman means the world to me. Would it be all right if I read from my Bible? |
Of course. | No wonder they call it "the good book." |
Yes, I really don't think you two should leave. He's a chronic alcoholic and you're in complete denial. | Aw, shut up, Captain Bringdown. |
Homie, I want you to promise me you'll cut down on the drinking. | Okay, Marge. For you I'll give up rum-based cocktails. Except mojitos and rum and coke. |
It's important for me to see you take at least one step. Then maybe we can have some memories together that aren't just a nauseous blur. | All right. For you, I will give up all clear liquors. |
Really? Even Zima? | Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk. |
You really mean it? | Hey, anything's possible. With a little help from my Bible. |
You really mean it? | Oh no! It's a real one! Noooooo! Why God, why? |
You really mean it? | Where are your clothes for the gentleman who's big and fat? |
Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've got to tie those shoes. Homer! | So many shoppers. Ow! Damn this... ow! Resilient economy. |
Sir...other customers need to use that dressing room. | Dressing room? Uh oh. |
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