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Of all the days for you to get a zit. | Ugh, too eighties. |
Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? | Oh, I have a funny feeling we will. Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike! |
I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the Pie Man. | That's really sweet, honey. |
I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the Pie Man. | Aw, hey, let's turn that frown upside down. |
Dad, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. | What's wrong, son? |
He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid. | Somebody ought to take him down a peg. Or, should I say, down a pie. |
No, I think the expression is "peg." | Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie-be you're pie. |
Oh brother. Why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store? | Comic Book Guy! Don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime! |
You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good looking. | Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot. |
Ooh, I'll bet he's Ned Flanders. | Flanders!? He's not man enough to trim my crust. I mean Pie Man's crust. I'm not Pie Man. |
Pie -- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now, sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts. | This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! |
Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally. | Not so fast, old-time liberal. |
Pie Man, no! It's a trap! | No trap can hold Homer Simpson! But I'm not Homer Simpson. I'm the Pie Man. Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pie Man! |
Shoot to kill! | Dammit! |
That was so exciting, yet familiar. Like Coke with lemon. | Let's see...cartilage, cartilage, muscle, nerve!... artery...bullet. |
Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks. | We shall continue this conversation in the pie cave. |
Dad, this is the basement. Here's the iced tea I left down here this afternoon. | So it would seem. Anyhoo, I'll bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson... |
You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude. | Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here? |
I want you to stop this, Dad. Before you get killed. | All right, I'll stop. But what'll I do with these pies? |
Well, I know one thing you could do... | I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food. |
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid! I'm docking you a day's pay. | I'll show him. |
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid! I'm docking you a day's pay. | No, I shouldn't. |
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid! I'm docking you a day's pay. | Or should I? |
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid! I'm docking you a day's pay. | I'll keep my promise, honey. |
Don't do it, Homer! You made a promise to Lisa! | Since when do I listen to cakes? |
Tell you what, Homer -- you make one last hit, then you're out of the business forever. Lisa would understand. | You're all so wise... I wish I could eat each and every one of you. |
Again? | I've run out of pie-related puns! |
Simpson! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin, poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back! | It's not a rubber band, it's a scrunchie! |
Wait, I have a better idea. You'll work for me now. | I already work for you. |
In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man. | Do I get two paychecks? |
Now open the folder. It contains your next victim. | No, not him! Anyone but him! I've had my problems with him. Everyone has. But like every monster, he just wants to be loved. |
Oh, me too... | What if he started pieing good people? Not because he wanted to, but because he was being blackmailed by his boss? |
Homie... are you the Pie Man? | No, I'm not. And here's a picture that proves it. |
Homie... are you the Pie Man? | See... |
Now, on a different subject, kiss me hard. | You know I'm not Pie Man. |
Girl Scout cookies! | Oh come on, she's a little girl. |
Now pie that Brownie, fruitcake! | Sorry. |
Ga-ga. Goo-goo. Your assignment. | The Dalai Lama! |
As Springfield's youngest Buddhist, I am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama. | I can't do this in front of Lisa. Why does she have to believe in things? |
C'mon, Pie Man, hit him! That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing! | No. I won't. There's only one way I can escape from this nightmare. |
Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer. Ya dumbass. | I'm telling you, I'm the Pie Man! |
Dad, I think you created a hero that even you couldn't live up to. | Yeah. Let's go home, honey. |
I know one person who believes you were the Pie Man, Homie... me. I've known it all along. | Was it the kiss? |
So... Pie Man, why don't you show me your superpowers? Pie Man? | Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there! For I am the Pie Man! |
Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little league team? | Permission to treat this witness as hostile. |
Your father's first kiss was in high school -- with me. | Actually, Marge... uh... there uh, was someone before you. |
Yes... and then your father broke my heart. And if I'd known he was you, I never would have married you! | Oh, this is so confusing. I'd like a brief recess. |
Granted. | Whee! Recess! |
Let me get this straight. When you were my age, you had the hots for Mom and didn't even know it? That's cool. Or is it lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame. | Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you. |
I've kissed three girls. | I'm so lame! |
You're not gonna be kissing anybody for a while. | Well, that stinks. But I still get to kiss you, right? |
Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer. | Think, Homer, think. |
What did you say? | I'm Elvis. Elvis Jagger. Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar. |
No, no, I'd best be on me way. I'll just take some Teddy Grahams for the road. | There goes a good friend. |
The perfect kiss! | It was pretty delicious. |
But then your father showed his true colors. | Whuh-oh. |
Ha ha! You said "dog doo"! | She sure did. Now if Lisa is finished with her shenanigans, I'll tell you why I didn't show up... |
Sweet, sweet poison. Uh-oh. | Kids love trains. |
I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks. | Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl? |
Was that special? | No. |
Was that special? | I just blew my first chance at true love. |
Homer, when you nurse a hurt for thirty years, it doesn't go away in an instant. | What about now? |
No, Homer. | What about now? |
No, Homer. | What about now? |
No, Homer. | Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then: there was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future... remember that? |
Homie, I know this shouldn't bother me, but a girl only has one first love. I guess it didn't mean that much to you. | That's not true! I thought about that girl every day of my life... until I met you. |
I wish there was some way I could believe that. | All right. This is my memory box. I haven't opened it in thirty years. |
I wish there was some way I could believe that. | Ooh, a letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama. Ah, here's what I'm lookin' for. |
Oh, Homie! You did care. | I sure did. I kept it right next to my IBM stock... king. |
Oh, Elvis. | Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge. |
Make mine calico! | Here you go. |
Well, that just leaves Bart. | Don't forget Maggie! |
Whoa, something's wrong! Ah, ah, I can't hear! | Doctor! Perform a diagnosis! |
The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen. | Cool! |
Dad, he's deaf. | Oh, sorry, right. |
Dad, he's deaf. | Bart, pass the corn. Bart, pass the corn! |
Donkey Basketball? Now I've heard everything! Unlike you! | Everybody remember that for when his hearing comes back. |
Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war. | To date! |
Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. | Even my best friends have left me! I'm all alone! |
We've become pariahs! In the last two hours I've gotten one thousand hate spams. | Y'ello. Appear on your TV show?! Tell our side of the story?! You'll see us there?! Goodbye?! Dial tone?! |
We get it, Mom. | No, no, no, let her finish. |
Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? | Son, I've learned one thing in this life: to stay out of trouble, just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat. |
Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? | Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy. |
Dad, I am going on a talk show. I have to say something! | Talk about boats! Then when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't. |
But I don't hate this country. | There there, save your lies for the American public. |
Martha! Play something to lighten the mood! | BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACK... / I DON'T CARE IF... OW! |
Well, let's see, after they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left... then a three hour plane ride. | Do you get time off for snitching on your cellmates? |
Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned. Check out all the left-wing celebrities. | Bill Clinton? What are you doin' here? |
Homer, we've got to get outta here. | Yeah, yeah. Next commercial. |
I know a way out. | Who are you? |
I'm the last registered democrat. Tax and spend! Tax and spend! Now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night. | I don't want to be in any stupid talent show. Not without my Tennessee walking horses. |
O BEAUTIFUL / FOR SPACIOUS SKIES / FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN... | FIFTY STARS AND THIRTEEN STRIPES... |
MY CARD HERE SAYS "ACLU" / NOW LOOK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO... | TO LOVE OUR COUNTRY IS NO CHORE... |
WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR OUR ENCORE... | We mean it, don't move. |
Dad, why are you still singing that stupid song? | Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again. And this time I want it tight! |
Does everyone remember their swimming lessons? | Yes. |
No. | Great, dive in. |
Swim toward San Francisco! | I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland. |
There's a ship! We're saved! | Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail 'cause they think we hate America. I don't want to end up like Elmo, hanging himself in prison. |
The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar! I'm using a jacket as a napkin. | And here no one calls me a fat jerk... I'm a gourmand! |
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