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Uh... toys? | I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life. |
Uh... toys? | Do you know what a boob is? |
Oh yeah. | Good. That'll save us some time. Okay... why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed? |
Because we're poor? | Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is... |
And then the woman... | Well, it's better they hear it from me now, than from their parents when they're old enough. |
Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself. | And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house. |
B.F.D. I've had your scrambled eggs, Homer. The secret ingredient is whiskey. | Hey, it keeps the kids quiet. |
Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big. | That's ridiculous, honey. You're the cutest little girl I know. You just have what is known as the Simpson butt. Permit me to elaborate. |
Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big. | Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here... then a smaller one up here... two big, sexy circles for eyes... one macho muzzle... and a snappy new outfit. Hm, I'm lookin' good... ooh, cuffs... yeah... and for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G." |
There's my hundred -- where's my party? | Nice try, loser. I bet you made up a fake test. |
Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark. | All right. |
Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark. | Ah-ha! Here's a mistake. It says the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. Dream on, pal. |
Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. | Really? Frankfurter... is that anything? |
See, it's all legit. Now make with the party. | All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this! |
People, please. It's a school night. | I thought you two broke up. |
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck ... | Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap. |
It's not just the presents -- the kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom. | So they're growing up. Soon they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then, the peace of the grave. |
Next on ABC, who's dropping by to see George Lopez? We pray it's you! | Open. |
I never meant to leave you, Nelson. But uh, something awful happened when I went to the store. | Well, that explains a lot. Who's hungry? |
I wish it were that simple. I really do. | They're a family again. And so are we. What happened? |
Sometimes you have to adopt your son's bully in order to bring your own family temporarily closer. | And Lisa, what have you learned? |
Nothing. Like many women, I still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight. | But talking about the problem is the first step towards the solution, right? |
I guess. But there's a long way to go. | C'mon, say something conclusive. |
I'm afraid this is a very open-ended problem. | Open-ended! C'mon, Lisa. Say everything's fine. Everything's fine. |
That was you. | Prove it. |
Perhaps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese. | Woo hoo! Free cheese! |
Homer, that was for the dog. | What's happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks. |
It's a media circus! | Woo hoo! The circus! |
A media circus. | Woo hoo! I don't know the difference! |
I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield. | What about that two-headed goat? |
Technically he was born in Shelbyville. | Yes, but he came here to die. |
Technically he was born in Shelbyville. | One of you ate tin cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I'll never know. |
You're successful too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise. | Marge! I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit! Bart, go ahead. |
Mayah Quimby is my er ah, fathah. Give me one million dollahs! | Huh? Huh? |
Homer Simpson. | I sawed you on the television. |
I remember you from high school. You barfed in my tuba. | I believe it was the school's tuba. |
Homer. | Oh Marge, I'm just being polite. |
I got the recipe for these in Istanbul. | More! |
You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. | Oh come on, Marge. The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. |
You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. | I'm here! I'm here! Quit buggin' me! |
Homer, why do you always have to show that to company? | It's a conversation starter! |
Homer, what are you doing? | I swallowed a chicken bone. |
Did you just swallow another bone? | Same one. |
Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, I'm late for my dinner... with Chloe! | Good news, Marge! |
Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, I'm late for my dinner... with Chloe! | I've learned to walk naked on stilts! |
Chloe has such an amazing life. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck with journalism. | Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo sixty-seven, and you're married to King Stink! |
Yeah, I guess. | Marge, listen to me. Chloe may have a flashy job, but you're the backbone of this family. You're like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together. |
That's a sweet thought, Homie. | I just hate to see you upset, honey. You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe. |
No one's fighting over you! | Oh. Well then, carry on. |
Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! | All right. But while I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did. |
What did I do? | You uh... |
What did I do? | Why you little... need a reason for strangling, do ya... I'll fix your wagon! |
I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars! | And I'm growing ashamed of my penis. |
She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list. | Marge, that's crazy talk. Now look, I'll save Lisa. Your place is here with the women. |
Booo! | Okay, you go save Lisa. I'll stay here with the women. |
Booo! | What do women want?! |
We've gotta go now! | Okay. I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad. |
Anybody I know. | Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father too. |
Mom, I wanna be just like you. I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa. | Pretend to care! |
...HIND THE 'FRIDGERATOR... | Whew! |
No harm done. | I wouldn't say that. |
I'm not gonna grow up! | Oh yes you are. Why, in the right light, you're starting to get your own muzzle. |
I thought it was chocolate milk! | Yeah, that's how it starts. |
Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke, like "support our troops." | Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep On Truckin'". As if I would ever want to stop truckin'. |
Ooh! | You broke in! |
We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell. | Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child. |
And on your way out, remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan. | You know what, Mr. Burns? I'm never comin' back. My son's making so much cash in the T-shirt game, that I don't have to work another day in my life -- assuming my health does not deteriorate as I age. |
The Change Magician will change your life... for the better! Results may vary. Machine does not actually sort change. Order today! | Bart, can I ask you an important question? |
How much? | Twenty-nine ninety-nine. |
Here's fifty. | Woo hoo! |
Hey, Homer, how's retirement? | It's awesome. You know what I've gotten into? Sleeping 'til noon. |
Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow. | Hey, just 'cause I'm not working doesn't mean I can't gripe like you guys. Don't you hate it when people steal your lunch out of the break-room fridge? |
Yeah. Well, enjoy the autumn of your years, jerk. | Oh, I see what's goin' on. You can't stand to be around a guy who's got total financial independence. |
Your bill, sir. | No problem. Bart, I need two hundred dollars. |
Dad, the bill's only a hundred. | I broke some bathroom fixtures. |
Pathetic. | I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my ten-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something: I still call the shots around here! |
Homer, use your inside voice. | I don't have an inside voice! |
Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power... | The couch is like that tree! |
...or find inclusion in the tribe by caring for vulnerable young cubs. | Lisa, basic cable said I should nurture you. |
Great! Will you play Malibu Stacy with me? | Okay! You be the girl, and I'll be the car. |
Done and done. I'm going to the organic market! | Screw the market, we're going to Mexico! |
Wheeee! | It's El Flanderito! Run him down! |
I can't run, I'm wearing flip-flops! | Hey, what's that dealy? |
It shows the history of nuclear physics, from Marie Curie's laboratory to a scale model of the first nuclear reactor. | Oh, you'll win for sure. You and science go together like Lenny and Carl. The science is Carl. |
A robot?! Last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets. I don't have a chance now. | Honey, all you need's a little help from your dad. Remember, I did used to work at a science factory. |
Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help. | Sweetie, that's orphan talk. |
Dad?... | Up-bup-bup-bup-bup, don't look! |
Dad, what did you do? | Sweetie, your Daddy's gonna show you just how much he loves you. You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built? |
Yes... | I juiced it up a little. |
Dad, that could explode! | Oh, that's madiculous. |
Homer, I want you to get that gamma radiating what's-it out of my home! | I never complain about your frilly pillows. |
Goose Gladwell ripped me off and there's nothin' I can do about it. I'm just a stupid kid. | Son, when you grew up, I grew down. But now I can see you need your Dad more than ever. |
And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever. | Get back in the garage, old man. |
But there's spiders in the boxes. | Stay out of my boxes! |
The things I saw there are what made me crazy. | Sir, this is a class two plutonium fission reactor. If I turn this dial... |
The things I saw there are what made me crazy. | The resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear. |
The things I saw there are what made me crazy. | Damn him to hell. |
You can't be serious. | Are you prepared to take that chance? |
Okay, okay. Here's all the money I've got. | Not so fast. I also want some dribble glasses, fake boobs, two of Bart's T-shirts, and that rapping toilet seat. |
Okay, okay. Here's all the money I've got. | Yo, yo, yo! Keep it on the low flow! |
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