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Homer, you're back! | Oui oui! And I have spent the last five years plotting the most exquisite revenge! |
Homer... | Yes, my love? |
Papa Meaux! Papa Meaux! | You guys liked him? |
We were together for five years! Now who's gonna take care of the triplets? | But Marge, I did it all for you! |
For me, huh? What took you so long? | It takes time to make a revenge machine this awesome! Plus, in the middle, I had to take revenge on some of my contractors. |
Weren't you listening? I just told you a whole story about revenge. | Oh, right -- revenge!! |
Dad, wait, I've got a story about why revenge is wrong. | Is it "The Count of Monte Cristo?" 'Cause I love that story. |
The point, Dad, is that when you take revenge, you become just as bad as the person you harm. | No, sweetie. The lesson is: never put down your weapon. |
The point, Dad, is that when you take revenge, you become just as bad as the person you harm. | Revenge! |
Look at that view. It reminds me how insignificant we are in the world. Yee haw! | This is it. It's taken all day, we've missed our flight to Hawaii, but finally, I'll get my revenge. |
Dad, wait! You haven't heard my story. | You? You're too dumb to tell a story. |
Dad, wait! You haven't heard my story. | No, seriously, you're great -- let's hear it. |
You should feel lucky. Not many boys have parents who can afford to take them to the opera every night. | Parents who are still alive, I might add. |
Hand over your wallet! | You don't frighten me! |
Hand over your wallet! | Or my wife! |
Hand over your wallet! | Or my... |
Shut up! | Avenge me. In flamboyant impractical fashion. |
So you see, revenge is great. And there's three ways to talk about it. Although two of the ways were kind of the same way, and even the third one might have worked better as a Halloween story... | That's okay, boy. The two of us got to talking. |
Look at all them stars. How many do you think there are? | Two. |
What the?! Two?! You think there are two?! Well, I never, how could-- Why do you think it is that mankind is so inclined towards hatin' one another? | I don't know. Let's just lay here till we figure it out. |
Tomorrow's Multicultural Day at school. | Now what do they want? |
Aw, Grampa. We should take lots of pictures of him while we still can. | Camera's broken! |
Homer, is that you?! | Floor it! |
And that thing where you're walking and someone's walking towards you and you each try to step aside but you both go the same way and you do it again and again until one of you just scoots around? They had seven names for that. | Whoa, you just blew my mind! |
Show's over, let's go! | What's your hurry? |
Well, some of my report... um... wasn't thoroughly fact-checked. | Aw, my little girl's just like CBS News. |
Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race. | Hold on there, boy. If you wanna keep using that car, you'd better start pullin' your weight. |
Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race. | This cell phone is so I can call you whenever I need your driving services. I've put in my own ring tone! |
Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race. | Hello, Bart? |
Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race. | I need you to go the gas station. Tell them you need to inflate your tires, but actually you inflate these volleyballs. |
Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race. | Then throw them over the wall of the prison to create chaos and confusion. |
Hello? | Bart... buddy! It's your dad! I need a ride! I think I'm in Chinatown. Not our Chinatown. |
Oh, man! What now? | Boy, I don't wanna freak you out, but I'm calling from inside the trunk. |
Oh, man! What now? | That was me. Some very un-cool people put me in here. |
Shut up, shut up, shut up! | It's dark in here! |
I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? Oh, right. Darcy. | Bart! This is a matter of life and death: What is the difference between ketchup and catsup? |
I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? Oh, right. Darcy. | They're gonna cut my head offff...! |
What? Not you, Fibbing Bear! | You know, my great-great grandmother was an Indian. I guess I should've mentioned that before, huh? |
I just found this note in Bart's room! "Dear Mom and Dad: Me and my girlfriend Darcy have gone to Utah to get married. F.Y.I., she's pregnant"! | Simpson men get the job done! |
I just found this note in Bart's room! "Dear Mom and Dad: Me and my girlfriend Darcy have gone to Utah to get married. F.Y.I., she's pregnant"! | It's a tragedy, a real tragedy. I mean, what kind of tramp gets knocked up before she's even married? |
I did! | I mean in this day and age, when the link between sex and pregnancy has been proven so... conclusively in... scientific American, where... |
Okay, we can trace where the kids are by the charges they made on your card. In Colorado, they charged two hundred dollars worth of bubble gum. | Actually... that was me. |
"Dingle's Berries" in Provo, Utah? | Why would I go to Utah? I love booze, caffeine, and monogamy. |
Our daughter says she's run off with your son! | Did she mention she was knocked up? |
No! | Oops. Sorry for the spoiler. |
You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple. Instead we just ended up fighting all the time. | Yeah, how 'bout that? |
You know, for a while, I was kinda looking forward to bein' a dad. | Son, one day you're going to be a great father. |
Aww. And someday you'll be one too. | Thanks, boy. Hey, for old time's sake, you wanna drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window? |
Homer is so amazing! He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time. | The light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea. |
Homer is so amazing! He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time. | Eh? |
I can't believe it. Homer Simpson... a bloody millionaire! | Why do you sound so shocked? This is our fifth take. |
Wheee! / | Now that I'm super-wealthy, I can buy them whatever their hearts desire. That's why rich kids turn out so well. |
Can I use it on fish and chips? | I don't know. You can put horseradish on your dead mother for all I care. The point is, I'm rich, rich, rich! Just look -- my dog has his own Jacuzzi! |
Can I use it on fish and chips? | He loves it! |
What are you people doing in my summer home? | Uh, this is Eduardo, my pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man. |
I am an angry rich man! | That's the pool chemicals talking. |
Oh Fah-ther, my pony Buttercup can jump ever so high-- Hoo-boy, it's Mr. Burns. | Please, Mr. Burns, pretend you work for me. You can have the boy, just don't beat him. You can beat him, just don't leave marks. |
Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did. | I'll tell you why. |
Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did. | It's been another eight years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book... |
Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did. | I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie. But all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good. |
It's the oddest thing: I actually feel affection for these knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys. I feel sorry for Homer Simpson. | I'll pay for most of this! |
I have some footage to show you. | Oh, spirit. Are you gonna show me my future? My snow-flecked grave, mourned by no man? Well, it's not too late for me to change! |
I have some footage to show you. | You there, boy! Buy me a Christmas goose! The biggest one in the shop! |
At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could. And you know what? No monsters have gotten me yet. | Wow. I have a pretty good life after all. |
Homer! Don't kill the foreign man! | Relax, Marge. I wasn't gonna kill him. |
Homer! Don't kill the foreign man! | All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted... hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family, and hanging with my drinking! |
Homer! Don't kill the foreign man! | Marge, you're my real dream come true. And I get to live you every day. |
The family can't start the day without me! | Relax, baby. While you were dreaming of me and calling me "James," I took care of everything. |
Homie, you woke up early? | Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff. Now don't worry: I packed everyone's lunches and sent them off into the world. |
Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story, big deal. | Look boy, nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause. But the school's paying for five sessions and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk. |
And... My Dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger. He's always passed out in the parking snot. | He's lying! |
Dad, those kids aren't dumb. This show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks! | Look at those morons -- they sing because they're stupid! |
Nooooo! | Permission to moan? |
This basement is a wonderful gift to the family. But how could you afford it? | Marge, we're not going to have to worry about money ever again. Because I've got a plan... |
Mr. Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works? | Yes I do. Under chapter thirteen of the fiscal code, an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets. |
Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything. | What the? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law! The one that says "Dude, don't worry about it. I got this." |
Mr. Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous: you throw over one thousand dollars a month into local wishing wells. | Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money. |
Uh-huh. Well you're going to have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses. Three subscriptions to "Vanity Fair?" | I've got three bathrooms, don't I? Next. |
Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up! | Give it here, I'll find some fat we can trim. Here you go, a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in. |
I don't wanna leave! You promised me I could die here! | No, no. This place is too expensive. I saw you doing a "five-hundred piece" jigsaw puzzle in there! |
I don't wanna leave! You promised me I could die here! | Come on, Dad, I'm cuttin' back everywhere. To save gas I'm "Flintstone-ing" the car. |
I don't wanna leave! You promised me I could die here! | Yabba... dabba... dooooo... |
Grampa's driving me crazy! | Why are you telling me? He's your father-in-law. |
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening? | Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem. |
For some reason, she doesn't trust him. Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you. | He was a great Dad! Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents. |
All right, lips, man your kissing stations! This is not a drill! | Well, here we are, home early. |
I'm Selma. | A talking bear is eating my father! |
Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why! I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories! | Well I never, ever want to see that again. |
Ah, the hell with you. I just might ask that Selma girl out. And you can't tell me not to! My roof, my rules! | Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him? |
Well gee, Homer, you uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself. | Words hurt, you know. |
It's me -- Patty. | Oh great. Who are you in love with? Bart? |
Look, if you wanna break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you. | Okay, but I'm not good at details. Or the big picture. I also show up late, and drunk. |
Look, if you wanna break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you. | I've got a good feeling about this. |
Hello, Homer. | Selma! |
Do you have your disguise? | Hola, I am Esteban de la Sexface. That means Stephen of the Sexface. |
What the hell is going on here? | Dos Selmas? Ay-yi-yi! |
Homer! Why would you try to break us up? | I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone. |
Well, nerts to both of ya! Our love is so strong, not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart! | A thousand, eh? |
Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up! | Oh Lisa, that's one of those rumors you get off the internet. |
Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up! | Hey Selma, want some rice? |
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