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Hold the Black Label, Mabel! The Utica Mohawks' Pete Mavroudis has broken through the 'topes' defense! | Stop him, Babando! |
You're supposed to be spending time with your daughter. | I will, when it's not sports season. I just want to know how the game ends. |
So that will do it from Wayne Bockhorn, Jean-Pierre Pétomane, and me, Doc Jacques Lalonde, here at Utica's Kill-Kwik Rat Poison Arena. | Wha-wha-what's the score?! |
Now stay tuned for "Picking the Perfect Apple," it's already in progress. | The score, damn you! |
...is already in the books. G'night! | I will never... know... the score! |
You want to know the score? I'll tell you the score. | Oh, Marge. This is a definite high point for our marriage. |
Here's the score, Mister: | Yes? |
Your daughter barely knows who you are! | That's ridiculous. Who's your daddy, Maggie? Who's your daddy? |
Your daughter barely knows who you are! | He is pretty good with her. |
Maggie. | Marge, you're not naggy. You just set the bar impossibly high. |
Can you at least bring a sweater for Maggie? | Impossibly high. Now, let's get started on the greatest daddy-daughter day ever! |
Can you at least bring a sweater for Maggie? | Not even heated up. Typical dog. |
Huh. I got a window here. | Hey, Maggie could play out there... while I watch her from in here. Whaddaya say, Maggie? |
Huh. I got a window here. | Aw, her first enabling. |
Ooh, hey Maggie! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! | Hello Maggie... hello Maggie. |
'Cause he can't remember limericks? | I can too! "There once was this guy from an island off the coast of Massachusetts... uh, Nantucket, I think it was. Anyway, he had a most unusual personal characteristic... which was... um... uh... |
It's a-a-b-b-a, dumbass! | There you are! |
It's a-a-b-b-a, dumbass! | Aww. Innocent babies whistling nonchalantly. How sweet. Maggie will be back to play with you tomorrow. |
Dad, do you have any idea what's gotten into Maggie? | How would I know? |
You've been spending so much time with her. | I have not! Oh right, you think I do. |
Here she is, uh, Homer. The wonderful girl I been tellin' you about. | Pleased to meet you. Uh, perhaps this is inappropriate, but I have a mechanical question while the kids are out of the room, that I can't help wondering about. |
Here she is, uh, Homer. The wonderful girl I been tellin' you about. | In a nuclear power plant, just how is nuclear energy turned into electricity? |
Well... If I remember my high school physics, the controlled nuclear reaction creates steam which powers a turbine... | Man oh man, slap a ring on that! |
All right, Homer. Let's see what my baby's been up to. | Here we are, Maggie. That park you love... |
All right, Homer. Let's see what my baby's been up to. | See you when the moon comes out. |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | I'll save you, Maggie! |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | I'm telling! |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | Now what? |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | Aw, sweetie, you saved me. Well, I promise that wherever you go in this world, I will always be there for you. |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | Oh Maggie, I love you from the tip of your toes to the bow on your hair with the red blinking light. God bless your mother for making you with me. |
Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this. | Whatcha watchin', honey? |
Homer Simpson, you are a strong finisher. | And I'm good at beginnings. |
What's the matter, Homer? | Not a thing in the world. |
Yeah, I wish I could say the same. | Moe, this was a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game. And sometime when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile. |
Chocolate chip for Donald, low sodium for Abe, "not made by immigrants" for Sam, and imaginary for Major Preston... | Don't shake your fist at me! |
I spend a lot of time working with this mentally-challenged guy. Why, here he is now. Lookin' good, Homer! | Boy. |
Just wait. | Look, man, I don't want any trouble. C'mon -- here, here, just take my wallet. Leave me alone, okay? |
We believe Lisa is suffering from Environment Related Despair. | Oh, it's even worse when you know it has a name. |
Lisa is a little young to be taking "happy pills." | Marge, we came to an appointment in the middle of the day. That's the most a parent can do. |
Lisa is a little young to be taking "happy pills." | We done here? |
Um, if this girl I'm seeing comes here, and she might, I wouldn't mind if you told her I was the kind of boy that does the dishes. | Yeah, busboys get all the chicks. |
I can't believe she dumped me! | Son, girls come and go. But you'll always have your family. |
Maybe we should just check out the street performers. | Big deal! I could juggle five pins if they let me use a unicycle. |
I can't wait to tell everyone! | Oh, this is great, honey. Thanks for telling me about it. I hope you don't mind I invited Lenny. |
Dad, yes! | Water! |
No it won't -- if he wants me to do something, he'll just write it down! | Is it 'omplimentawee? |
Yeah, sure. It's complimentary. | It is? 'Ey every-ody, 'eck out I 'ompliment! |
Got it. | I held up two, for "peely!" |
Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear. | Well, at least I can eat again! |
Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear. | Mmm, cherry. |
Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear. | Too much cherry! |
Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear. | Ooh, lemon. That'll stop the cherry. |
Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear. | Doctor, why is this happening to me? |
Homer, you have become a super-taster. The mildest spices will overwhelm your tongue. Even a taco could drive you insane. | I can't eat tacos?! Oh my God -- what day of Mayo is it? |
Cinco. | Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! |
Try these beets. I boiled all the red out. | I still taste over-tones of pink! |
Dad, I've got the perfect thing. | Hm. It feels like food. But it has no flavor whatsoever. |
It's mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man. | What else do they got? |
Pecan blandies... cream of steam... You Guess 'Ems... | Man, who comes up with this stuff? |
Lunch card... Lunch card... Lunch card? | Don't have one. |
Dad, what are you doing here? | Son, from now on, I'm eating all my meals here at school -- with you! |
What? No! | Oh, come on, relax, I won't embarrass you. |
Three dollars and eighty-five cents. | Uh... can I work it off? Don't worry, I won't embarrass you. |
I'll start you on Jell-o. | OH, I'M BIG AND YELLOW / AND I'M SERVIN' JELL-O / IF YOU'RE A FELLOW AND YOU WANT SOME JELL-O / YOU'D BETTER BELLOW / HEY, BIG GUY / GIMME SOME JELL-O |
I'll start you on Jell-o. | Up-bup-bup. No Jell-o for you, Bart -- it'll keep you up at night. Like last week when you crawled into bed with me and Mommy? |
I used to date your daughter. | Buddy, I'm here to eat, not make interesting conversation. |
Dad, do you have to hang out at my school? It's bad enough I have to be here three days a week! | Well, I know when I'm not wanted. Am I wanted? |
No. | Hi, Homer Simpson. Mind if I sit near your son? Mine sucks. |
Albany! Annapolis Atlanta! Augusta! Austin! Baton Rouge! Bismarck! Boise! Boston! Capital City! Carson City! | Wow, he's terrified of you. |
That's why I'm here -- to make sure he gets good grades. | Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa -- you come to school to help him get good grades? Isn't that why we pay public school teachers those enormous salaries? |
Well, call me over-involved, but some day your son will be my son's chauffeur. | Well I hope your son enjoys being driven around by the President of the United States. |
It's not your son's fault, it's yours. You have to hover over your kid's shoulder to force him to succeed. It's called "helicopter parenting." | I don't have to "helicopter" Bart -- I've got a backup plan called "Lisa." |
Well, I... | No time. I'll just deduce where you were from a list of possibilities in my head. |
Well, I... | That makes sense. Movin' on. |
Well, I... | ...if we don't get more involved in their lives, Bart and Lisa are gonna be failures. Failures who work for... Noah! |
Noah. I like that name. No-ahhh. Noah. Noah! | Aren't you the one that usually worries about stuff? |
Am I? | If Marge doesn't worry about the kids... then that leaves... me! Help me, mayonnaise! |
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! | There's no future in that! |
Don't forget, children -- Monday is the balsa-wood model-building competition. The American Balsa Council will award this year's winner a thousand-dollar savings bond for their college education. | A thousand dollars?! That's what my house is worth! |
My mistake. | I did it! I helped my son! Helicopter Homer away! |
My mistake. | Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down! |
Hmm, well, they are good ones. | And to show you how this book works, I will demonstrate on some rats... |
Well that's very nice of you-- Hey! You sayin' my clothes are clown-like? Oh God, I feel so insecure! Please be my friend... | See, it works. And un-sults are just the beginning. There's also envy-tations, hate-hugs, spamming with faint praise and... Hey everyone, wanna go get frozen yogurt? |
I do! / Yeah! / You know it! / Oh boy! | Ooo, I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everyone everyone. Hope you don't mind. |
If I didn't sell booze, they probably wouldn't even come here. | And that, my dear girl, is called the Toledo Take-back. |
Dad, I don't want to hurt people's feelings. | I see. Well, maybe you're not ready for this book. It is more of a big girl thing. |
We'd like some balsa wood, please. | Enough to build a Washington Monument. |
What scale are you using? | What cologne are you wearing? None of your business! Now we'd like our Washington Monument to be one five-hundredth the size of the real one. |
Washington Monument? Aren't you gonna even try? | What do you mean? And who are you? |
I'm your son's principal, and the Washington Monument is the most uninspired model choice there is. It's like saying "I don't care. My kid's a loser." | But, you... |
I'm your son's principal, and the Washington Monument is the most uninspired model choice there is. It's like saying "I don't care. My kid's a loser." | What's the hardest model there is? |
Hmm, that would be Westminster Abbey. | Attention parents, children and childless weirdoes. My son and I are going to build Westminster Abbey! |
You won't get past the north transept! | Hey, how hard can it be? All we have to do is follow the directions. |
Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy. | But first, as part of "Operation Popularity," Lisa and I are hosting a decorate-your-own-cell-phone party in the back yard. |
Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy. | Brittany and Kaitlin are here! Where's my spray-on tan? |
Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy. | Ant poison? Why do I always read the labels after? |
Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy. | Ladies, we've got it all. Rhinestones, stickers, tassels... everything to make those hundred dollar phones look like five dollar toys. |
Isn't this supposed to be my project? | All the other parents are doing it for their kids. Now stand back and I'll take it from here. A little further back. |
Do you want me to watch and learn? | Naw, that kinda creeps me out. |
Do you want me to watch and learn? | Must finish Poet's Corner... or Bart will work for Noah... with his hot mom... |
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