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Do you want me to watch and learn? | That's not Henry the Seventh, it's Henry the Sixth! Stupid, stupid, stupid! |
Homer, don't give up till you finish my dear Abbey. | Geoffrey Chaucer?! What are you doing here? |
That's terrible advice. | Anne of Cleves! |
Oh, and where is this delightful boy? | Oscar Wilde? |
Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. | But that makes no sense! |
"Experience" is simply the name we give to our mistakes. | Shut up! |
These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. | Whatever happened to "boo?" |
Congratulations, son. At least you followed the rules. | Yes! Yes! In your face, losers! This helicopter is taking off! |
Why can't you guys let us do things for ourselves. In the words of Oscar Wilde: "Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes." I saw him too, Dad. | I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. |
Why can't you guys let us do things for ourselves. In the words of Oscar Wilde: "Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes." I saw him too, Dad. | "I H-8 this?" |
I'm sorry, Dad. These girls are nice on the surface, but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand. | Yeah, it's clear to me now the best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out. |
No, there's a middle ground. | Lisa, a light bulb is either on or it's off. |
Not if you use a dimmer switch. | That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think. |
What's wrong, Homie? | I tried to fix the kids' lives, but instead I led them to rich and rewarding personal decisions of their own. |
Well, I know a place in this house where you can really relax. | That mattress the dog sleeps on in the cellar? |
No, I gave that to the homeless shelter. | It was stuffed with cash! |
Feeling better, Super Dad? | Oh yeah. |
Look at this: Springfield Elementary's rating is so low, it's more than two standard deviations below the norm. | I can't understand that math reference, because I went to Springfield Elementary! |
Wait, wait, wait. You're putting us in a new school?! What about my friends? | Oh, elementary school friends -- those are forever! You're always gonna be friends with Milhouse. STAND BY ME / OH, STAND BY ME... |
Ah, so cheap, eh? | "Ahso sheepay" to you. |
No windows, no parking, and a man died here. | Yeah, um, well, I'm looking at a lot of murder sites right now. Where's the bedroom? |
Right here. | Tempting. Tempting. Where's the bathroom? |
In the Ethiopian Restaurant at the end of the block. | I'll take it! |
It's just a formality to make sure you actually live here. Some people use the address just so their kids can go to our schools. | Ha! I can see them now with their bald heads and their blue-haired wives. How I despise them. |
Call it, friendo. | Heads. I mean, tails. I mean, on its side. |
It's so kind of you to live there so our kids can go to a better school. | When do I get to move back home? |
You just have to stay there until that psychopathic school inspector makes a surprise visit. You can come home when the heat's off. | The heat is off. The hissing from the radiator is a snake. |
Please just stay there till Bart graduates high school. | That's another twenty or thirty years. |
Please just stay there till Bart graduates high school. | Where am I? |
Brought you a housewarming present. | That was great. You mind if I use that at work? |
Hey, are you into poker? | Well, I love to play, but I'm not very good. Also, I always forget to cash my chips back in for money. |
This man-crush just got bro-mantic! | You make words into dudes. |
She didn't even know who Alaska Nebraska was. | Your hair smells nice! |
Definitely a cup. | Foam wasn't spilt in a day. |
Does she have a sister? | Two, actually. Twins. |
We don't need a bed. We're not gonna be sleeping. | Woo-hoo! |
We don't need a bed. We're not gonna be sleeping. | We're not the only ones having a good time. |
You know what a girl likes, mister. So, can I see you again? | How 'bout you, me and my wife have a two-way? |
I love Tapas! It's like appetizers for a meal that never comes! | Try the Flan De Leche De Cabra... |
I love Tapas! It's like appetizers for a meal that never comes! | Be sure to dig around in the gunk. |
Surprise! I redecorated! | Where are my videogames? My X-box?! My Wii?! |
You don't need a Wii now that I'm here. Because you and me make "us." | You know, you're starting to remind me a lot of my first wife. |
Wait! I want to ask you something. | What movie? |
Where have you been? We have mirrors to hang! | I went to a movie. |
Without me? How'd you get there? | I drove. |
Without me? | Sometimes I think this fifty square foot apartment isn't big enough for the both of us! |
"Go Dog Go" with pages missing... Lego spaceship poorly assembled... Clearly, this is the home of elementary school children. Too bad. I was looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide. | Thank you, Friendo. |
I am not your friendo. | But, I thought... you said... |
Your comments when we watch movies aren't funny. | Why do you watch comedies if you don't want to hear more jokes? |
Please, I just want to go back to a place where I'm ostracized for being me, not for who I pretend to be. | What do you think, Marge? Maybe we've outgrown our first apartment. |
Get a room! | C'mon, boy! Be cool! |
But... | Be cool or you're grounded! |
ext. finger looking good nail salon - day - establishing) | Marge, I need some bribe money! |
Deal. | Thanks, Marge. But don't forget, there's still gonna be a civil suit. |
I wouldn't be stuck washing costumes if my husband had a better role. | Well, I may be playing a tree but at least I'm getting my face out there. |
I thought I was marrying a man who could play Macbeth. | Hey, there's no way I could ever be as good as that guy. |
I think Mel would be happier as an understudy. A six-feet-understudy. | You're not suggesting... murder. |
Wouldst thou live a coward in thine own esteem, letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would?" | Whatever you say, sweetie. |
Snore. Snore. | A prop knife! |
Out, out, brief candle! / Life's but a walking shadow... | He who laughs last, laughs dead. |
Out, out, brief candle! / Life's but a walking shadow... | Why does everyone around here talk that crazy talk? |
That "crazy talk" is the work of the immortal Bard, William Shakespeare. | Well, if you see him in heaven, tell him he sucks. |
You don't even know your lines! | "Conrad Birdie? Coming here to Sweet Apple?!" |
That's "Bye-Bye Birdie"! | "Dammit, Morpheus. Not everyone believes what you believe." |
"Tonight the Springfield Community Playhouse was bathed in the light of a brilliant new star... Dr. Hibbert as Banquo?!" | Who the hell is Banquo? |
He's the one getting the good reviews! Which makes him the next one you've got to kill. | Wouldn't it be easier if I just took acting lessons? |
Screw your courage to the sticking-place and we'll not fail. | That's inspiring. What's that from? X-Men 2? |
Macbeth! | Mac-who? |
All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed. Unless you're not man enough. | No, dear. I'm a man, dear. |
All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed. Unless you're not man enough. | KILLING MAKES ME HUN-GRY |
All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed. Unless you're not man enough. | EATING MAKES ME THIRS-TY |
All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed. Unless you're not man enough. | DRINKING MAKES ME SLEE-PY |
That's where you're wrong! Get out on that stage! | Ow! |
Okay Homer, it's our last performance, you're the only actor that's still alive, and there's nobody in the audience -- this is your moment. I'll be in my office going over the books on my Subway sandwich franchise. You call a sandwich maker an artist, it's like an invitation to steal! A guy's goin' nani-nooni bananas i... | It's my moment. |
Henry The Fifth... Titus Andronicus... | Me having to read all those plays would be the real tragedy. |
Alright, Maggie. Today is parent-teacher day. So I want everyone to see how uncreative and beaten-down you've become. That's right, you're beaten-down. Yes, you are! | Goodbye, fat me. |
Don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? I've seen enough of these Hollywood super-hunks -- we need a dumpy, unappealing loser -- an everyman! | Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh, I also need a dollar. |
You... Are... Acceptable! | Great! Do you want to see me naked? |
Oh, there's no nudity in this movie. | Let's go around the table, and everybody say one amazing thing that happened to them today. Lisa? |
Guess who the garden club elected president? | You? Awesome. Next. |
No. I lost. | Eh, they can go to Hell. Bart? |
Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough-- | Time's up! Okay, Maggie: "suck, suck," that takes us to... me. |
Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough-- | Some Hollywood idiots hired me to star in a movie! |
Homer, we have a problem. | Fine. I'll give back the Oscars I stole from the lobby. |
Homer, we have a problem. | Do you want the Golden Globe? |
We need you to slim down, muscle up and become the "Everyman" people want to be instead of the one they actually are. | I don't know if I can. I'm a yo-yo dieter: "Yo, hot dog man!" "Yo, peanuts!" Why aren't you laughing? Don't you know what "yo" means? |
Maybe...I can help Lyle McCarthy. | Finally, the answer to my problem. What do you do? |
Here's what Brad and Angelina looked like before they met me. | Hm, they look good with a little meat on their bones. |
Homer, do you know why you eat? | Because I'm swallowing my frustrations and disappointments? |
Something bad happens and you cope by cramming a donut in your mouth. | Yeah, well you don't always have time to masturbate . |
I'm gonna teach you healthy emotional alternatives to eating. We don't have much time, so we'll do it in a montage to the song "Eye of the Tiger." | Oh, that song's a little on the nose. Can we do it to David Bowie's "Heroes?" |
Yeah, it's your montage. | This montage sounds really exhausting. How 'bout I just do a walking around sad montage? |
No. | A montage of me turning a ragtag Little League team into state runners-up? |
No. | Me using funny modes of transportation like a hot air balloon and a camel, and finally a pickup truck full of chickens? Then I get out of the truck and go thank the driver, but then I see the driver is a chicken? |
I gotta take this. Tobey! Cider house rules! Total wuss. Seabiscuit, you keepin' off the sugar cubes? I hate this guy. I love this guy! Tobe, Tobe, Tobe, we talked about this -- if the rice ain't brown, don't chow down! Look, I gotta bail, I'm with Everyman right now. No, no, no, no, no don't worry, he totally suc... | Was that Tobey Maguire? |
I gotta take this. Tobey! Cider house rules! Total wuss. Seabiscuit, you keepin' off the sugar cubes? I hate this guy. I love this guy! Tobe, Tobe, Tobe, we talked about this -- if the rice ain't brown, don't chow down! Look, I gotta bail, I'm with Everyman right now. No, no, no, no, no don't worry, he totally suc... | But how will I keep from overeating? |
And sexy! Heroic! Sexy! Heroic! And sexy! Heroic! Earn that money! | Found this on the roof. |
And cut! | What'd you think, kids? |
What was that?! | Your other hand. |
Oscar! Take a shower! Or a tomato bath, or something. Please! | This life is the greatest. I get paid a fortune, I've got a closet full of free sneakers and watches, and I get to hire my friends. |
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