instruction stringlengths 1 496 | response stringlengths 1 472 |
|---|---|
Oh, it's been a hard couple of months, but I feel like I've turned a corner. | Well, that's all gonna change, thanks to this tape... |
Tape? | Now, the audio needs some tweaking, and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of... Anyway, enjoy. |
Tape? | Single women of Springfield, your prayers have been Flanswered. |
Tape? | Ned Flanswered, that is. |
Is this a dating video? | Shush. |
Is this a dating video? | What would you say about a man who owns his own house... |
Is this a dating video? | And his own car? That's Ned Flanders. |
Is this a dating video? | A man who's not afraid to cry. |
Is this a dating video? | Hey, Ned. |
So that's why you maced me. | Yeah. |
So that's why you maced me. | Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his ATM code...or keeping clean in the shower... |
Homer! | But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial. |
Oh I would date Ned in a second, if I was a woman, or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I, I like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered. | So if you're tired of dating the same old losers... |
What are you doing, Homer? | ...Step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. |
Ewwww. | Now, we'll just send this to the dating service, the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins. |
Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon. | Oh-ho-ho-ho, that's great. Chicks really dig sensitivity. Did you get that, Bart? |
Got it. | Beautiful! And star-wipe, aaaand we're out. |
Homer, I'm having second thoughts. This feels so disloyal to Maude. | Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? |
You think she would? | How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors -- John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes... |
Sherlock Holmes is a character. | He sure is! |
You're darn right you are! And you've got lots of other great qualities, too. | That's right, Ned. Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you. |
What floozies? What are you talking... | Marge, we're trying to help Ned. |
Homer, you help too. | I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee. |
You're watching PBS?! | Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sit-com. |
"Do Shut Up"? | It's about a hard-drinking, yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker. |
Me eyes! / Oh, I'm scalded, I am! | The Mother's the voice of reason. |
Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today, we're showing all seven episodes. | Hey, what the hell's going on?! |
Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad! You know who you are. Thieves! | You're mad? Where's my show!? |
And now, it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up." | Finally. |
Outstanding. | Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man. |
You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in". Well, now it's your turn to phone it in -- your pledge, that is. Please, please, we're only ten thousand dollars away from returning to our show. | Well, why didn't you say so? |
You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in". Well, now it's your turn to phone it in -- your pledge, that is. Please, please, we're only ten thousand dollars away from returning to our show. | Yes, I'd like to pledge ten thousand dollars to get them to shut up. From... anonymous. |
You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in". Well, now it's your turn to phone it in -- your pledge, that is. Please, please, we're only ten thousand dollars away from returning to our show. | Done and done. |
Dad, you don't have ten thousand dollars. | Eh, how're they gonna find me? |
But, thanks to Insta-trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. | Oh, why did I register with Insta-trace? |
Our pledge-enforcement van will be at his house in moments. | Uh-oh. You've gotta help me, Bart. |
Our pledge-enforcement van will be at his house in moments. | That's it, boy! Go get help! |
They don't show police chases, do they? | Umm... It's an honor to give ten thousand dollars, especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary. |
Well said, Homer. And now, for the moment of generosity... | Will cash be okay? |
Absolutely. | Well, then we've got a problem. The banks are closed by now. |
It's 12:15. | Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast, and our banks closed. Okay, fine, we'll go down there. But they're not going to be open. |
Get in there. | I'd like to withdraw ten thousand dollars, please. |
"You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me? | I'll pay you later. |
Um... Is there a problem, Mr. Simpson? | Uh, why, no. Uh... Everything is just... |
Um... Is there a problem, Mr. Simpson? | I can't do it. I can't kill a man! |
You don't have the money, do you Homer? | Mm-mm. |
And you thought you could stab your problems away? | Mm-hmm. |
Silly goose. Why didn't you say so? Get 'im, boys. | The Hooligans! |
Oh, why did I teach him that word? | Quick! You've got to hide me from PBS! Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group! |
Ellmeaux knows where you live. | Please help me! I'll do anything! I'll light a candle! I'll help with your next charity scam! |
The word is "drive." | Sure, sure, Bob's your uncle. Let's just get outta here! |
We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down. | Great, but why am I on a plane? |
Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific? | South Pacific?! I didn't agree to... |
Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific? | Wha -- Wait! I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! Let me out! |
Sorry, no can do. | Oh, save me Jebus! |
No, no. You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio. | Jebus, where are you?! Homer to Jebus! |
You must be Homer! I'm Craig, that's Amy. Well, see ya. | You're leaving? Wait, what do I do here? |
First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school. | Done. |
Don't let the bed bugs bite. Seriously. | Me Homer. Me hiding from PBS. |
Welcome, Reverend Homer. We look forward to learning about the Bible from you. | Here you go. Knock yourself out. |
We can not read. | Does the word "jet-lag" mean anything to you people? "Jet-laggg". |
Are you enjoying your ox testicle? | Oh, yes. Very much so. |
Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious. | No, I'm good. |
Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious. | Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in all the geographical magazines? |
Yeah, anything goes over there. Bouncy, bouncy. | What was that? |
Oh, we call that . Sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that "earthquake." | Great. Now my testicle's got ants on it. |
Oh, we call that . Sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that "earthquake." | Thanks, sweetheart. Have a Bible. My name's Homer. What's yours? |
I am Oovilu-eeoo-kitana-wanjay. | I'm gonna call you Lisa Junior. So, what do you do for fun around here? |
Craig and Amy were also building a chapel. | Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy. Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy? |
I told you we should have asked them. | So, how's the TV reception here? Excellent, or...? |
T...V? | You don't have TV? But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch? |
Cou-ouch? | No couches either? Oh, man. I need a beer. |
Cou-ouch? | Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! |
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God! | Nothin'. |
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God! | Here we go. Ee-yeah. |
Hello? Is there anybody in there? | Marge! |
Homer, are you all right? | I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough. |
You've only been gone two days. | Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends. |
I just don't think it's funny! | Mmm, I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order: Bart, you're the man of the house. Lisa -- I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy girl. The toaster can fill in for Maggie. And Marge, you're a consultant. |
Dad? | Yes, boy? |
I just want to tell you how proud I am that you're showing an interest in your fellow man. | Really? You're proud of me? |
Oh, yes. The whole town thinks you're a real humanitarian. Ned Flanders is green with envy. | Oh, really? Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some civilization to spread like butter on the English muffin that is these people, with all their little nooks and crannies... |
Dad, are you licking toads? | Well, I'm not not licking toads... Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out. |
Dad, are you licking toads? | Gather 'round, everyone! I'm going to teach you about religion. |
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! | Please, please, that's not necessary. I'm just God's messenger. |
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! | And lo, what a wondrous message it is: |
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! | Like this, from the Book of P-salms: "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways. That you may bathe your feet in blood." As true today as it was when it was written. |
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! | Now, let's open it up to some Q & A. |
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! | Yes, Lisa Junior? |
Amy said there are lots of religions. Which is the right one? | Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat. |
Um, if the Lord is all powerful, why does he care whether we worship him or not? Ak just saying... | Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbra Streisand, before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock. |
Um, if the Lord is all powerful, why does he care whether we worship him or not? Ak just saying... | Oh, who am I kidding? The truth is, I'm no missionary. I work in a nuclear power plant. |
Ooh, tell us all you know about nuclear power. | Look, the point is, I want to help, but you don't need a well, or a chapel, or an immunization center. What you need's a little razzle dazzle. Qtoktok, are you thinking what I'm thinking? |
I am Ak. | Hey, that's great. Now let's get to work! |
I am Ak. | Now, if "The Flintstones" has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement. |
I am Ak. | Come on little friend, make a wisecrack. You know, "it's a living," that sort of thing. |
I am Ak. | Oopsie. |
"The Lucky Savage"? | It could be you! |
Number six. | Woo hoo! |
Number six. | Now, over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage: beer. It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.