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cracked | if_beer_ads_were_forced_to_be_honest_beer_commercial_parody | Carp's signature summer ales. When friends gather, tradition, craftsmanship, and quality blend together into an affordable brain and liver poison, we're sure you'll love. Because it's chemically dependence-forming in a portion of the population, every bottle of carps is guaranteed to kill enough of your brain to impair... |
cracked | tinder_vs_okcupid_3_important_differences_rom_com | I don't understand. I use your dating website. Why'd you bring me in here to use Kindlin? Market research? We want to get a sense of what your experience is like with our competitors. I heard Kindlin was just for hookups. That's not really my... This robot's just for hookups?
Asian. Asian nurse.
It doesn't work that ... |
TheOnion | The_Booker_Monroe_Story_The_First_African_American_To_Use_A_Whites_Only_Glory_Hole | Although he is mentioned in few textbooks, Booker Monroe made history in 1965 as the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. Despite white glory holes having better funding, maintenance, and sanitation, racial segregation of public utilities was upheld under the Supreme Court until the 1954 ruling of Br... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_gnu_linux_user_cd_2 | Okay, so let's start. What is going on?
I will not speak to make a broadcast that is not being viewed with free software. Please don't watch this on your Macbook.
When I was a PhD, I failed all of my essays. It said clearly. This essay is useful but without warranty.
Yes, supply with tea and milk, tea with milk and ... |
dropout | don_t_laugh_news_bed_bug_alert | Lil' Dairy, Lil' Daisy Creamers. And Whelan Fatback Wieners.
Oh shit. From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcast_Ep120_Jackie_Trad_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Batooter in the old city district and there's a lot going on in the world today, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of cour... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_s_tour_highlights_presented_by_schick | Hey, Jake here. Jake here too.
No. Why not?
We're excited to be going on tour for chick So excited in fact that we made this video of our fans taking the chick hydro challenge. Let's go to us Thanks Jake and Amir. So here we are with our barber Jason. You're ready to take the chick hydro challenge Which means I get t... |
cracked | 5_people_who_need_to_put_down_their_f_ing_camera_the_spit_take | Hello the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked, and today's episode is brought to you by the letters P and F for put the phone down and f***ing run already. Together they make the sound these people cause in my soul.
There was a time not long ago when ... |
SaturdayNightLive | zagat_s_with_hank_beverly_gelfand_anniversary_snl | Zagatz, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand. Hello, and welcome to Zagatz. I'm Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband, Hank.
What do you want? Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we're very excited, Hank and I. No! we're going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can't decide wher... |
dropout | what_we_do_to_avoid_our_exes | Ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six. I mean, whatever. Anybody can call themselves a foodie. Okay, but all I know is he could list a lot of restaurants.
Oh, do you guys want to go get brunch on Sunday at Fat Cat? Uh, I can't do Fat Cat, guys. Remember my ex, Becca? She works there now. Oh, y... |
cracked | the_ultimate_men_s_fantasy_hotline_isn_t_what_you_think | Late night. Can't sleep.
I know it's on your mind. You want to save your wife and kids from an intruder in your home with that baseball bat you keep under the bed. So they'll respect you again. At Man's Ultimate Fantasy Hotline, we'll make you their ultimate protector. Oh no! I got you! We'll make you feel like a man.... |
dropout | here_s_why_you_probably_shouldn_t_try_something_called_the_dream_eater | What was that? Oh, it's five-hour energy, which you look like you could use. And it's extra strength. Ooh. Ha! Extra strength. I bet I've got something stronger.
Oh, some would call it dark matter. Still others, the energy drink from beyond space-time. Flux water. Liquid light speed. The grimace of dark, dark, dark, d... |
cracked | the_dark_truth_behind_the_most_famous_cartoon_company_ever_today_s_topic | Hey, you ever read our article about 90s cartoons? It's like asking if I ever saw the movie with the zombies in it. The one with the pinky and the brain entry. I think we missed some good stuff there.
The gist of the article is that in the intro sequence, when it says, One is a genius, the other's insane. We could be ... |
dropout | the_six_girls_you_ll_date_in_college | This is you in college, and these are the six girls you'll date in college.
Were you ever good at sports? We don't know, but the daily 4 a.m. burritos haven't helped. You okay?
She looks better in track shorts than literally anything else. Come on, baby. You can do it. Ten more years till touchdown! However, no matte... |
cracked | everything_crazy_happening_at_the_rnc_so_far | Hello and welcome to the first installment of crack's first ever news show the only news show on earth covering the same breaking story Over and over again every single night humanity not doomed after all Sorry for the mix-up. I'm sore and buoy and in the traditional elegant dead way since I'll be your anchor welcome a... |
dropout | bailmitting_making_plans_knowing_you_re_gonna_bail | College Humor's New Words This week's word is bail mitting. Bail mitting results from extreme selfishness, social anxiety, pathology, or in rare cases an impressively shitty mixture of all three. Here's how it works. One kind and thoughtful person, the inviter, asks another much, much worse person, the invitee, if they... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_draw_the_perfect_bath | Hello! I have the towers! Please don't come in. What? I could not hear you. I'm actually not wearing anything. I leave them here and I am gone.
Yes, could you please... The bears. It's looking a bit shallow. No? I don't think... Can I interest you in some fresh lavender to compliment the bear? No, thank you.
When? Pe... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_election_night_snl | Maybe a sketch about them midterms. Oh, what are the midterms?
I don't know. I'm not sure at all. Hey guys, Molly. hey, do you guys know anything about politics? uh, why you need help writing a sketch?
No, no, no, sir. something. Bet something very bad has happened. What's going on? Look, in a shocking upset victory,... |
cracked | the_year_in_douchebaggery_the_news_on_cracked_12_27_07 | It's the end of the year 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Realistically, it probably won't be, though. And now, my friends, it's time for the crack.com year in Douchebaggery. It's the week in Douchebaggery. Yeah, we didn't update the ... |
TheOnion | Human_Head_Found_In_Hamburger | A Burger King customer in Albany, New York got more than he bargained for with his lunch yesterday. Carl Emerson, a local electrician, was surprised to find a human head stuck between the buns of his double whopper cheeseburger. I took a bite and I thought to myself, this isn't right. Emerson said he has no plans to ta... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Backpedal_Jenny_Cops_The_Blame_Pete_Davidson_Bites_Back_More_February_18 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate news bulletin recording live here from downtown Batutah Desert Rock FM studios in the old city district only two of us today you've got myself Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate and ... |
SaturdayNightLive | papyrus_2_snl | Things were starting to look up. Very proud of you Steven. Remember, we're gonna just try to avoid triggers. there it is. I'm sorry. Little setbacks would happen every now and then, but I felt in control.
I can't help you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help you.
I felt like it was all in the past. it was just a bad d... |
dropout | hardly_working_car_alarm | Oh my god, so annoying.
You really think so? Yes. Why?
I, uh, I write car alarms on the weekends. That one was actually one of my biggest hits. That was unbearable. Thank you. Wait, hold on, wait a minute. You write car alarms?
That's a thing? I'm in the union. You've probably heard some of my stuff around town. Oh,... |
dropout | make_waiting_for_your_uber_sexy | Let's go back to your place. Let me get an Uber.
Okay.
I'm sorry. That's not sexy. No.
You're getting an Uber.
Not sexy. Oh, damn it. It was so sexy a second ago. You know, we could make this sexy.
Yeah. Oh. Yeah, hey. It's surge pricing right now. I'm going to surge in you. Oh, no. Too much too fast. No, yeah. Yo... |
ClickHole | watch_the_big_bang_theory_with_more_laughter_added_in | Ice Dragon, Lesser Warlord of Ka'a. Not so fast.
Infinite Sheldon. Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule of its co-made cards because I made it for him.
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you? No. Although it's a question I've been pondering si... |
TheOnion | Osama_Bin_Laden_Foundation_Awards_Fellowships_To_20_Promising_Young_Terrorists | Following the Osama bin Laden Foundation's announcement of their 2013 Mohammed Attar Fellowship winners, 22-year-old recipient Shaheed Farooq spoke with The Onion about being named one of the top 20 young terrorists to receive the prestigious $20,000 grant to study under experienced Islamic extremists. When the Attar o... |
cracked | who_will_be_the_new_rick_morty | How will the show Rick and Morty continue without the voices of Rick and Morty? It will continue, but the show is looking to replace Justin Roiland, co-creator and lead voice actor of the massively popular and massively memed adult swim show Rick and Morty. That's right, the voices of both Rick and Morty are played by ... |
cracked | why_nostalgia_is_total_bull_people_watching_10 | So it seems like nostalgia is a thing these days Probably every toy I had as a kid is now a movie trilogy and the new games look like old games and everything is in fashion And yeah, yeah, you're nodding. Okay, you know what I mean.
It does seem like the past is the fucking place to be When you were a kid you had a bi... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_the_adobe_imagination_challenge_sponsored | I think the key is to just do what you like doing and do it consistently to the point that like if it's funny it'll find an audience. And don't wait for permission is the huge thing. You're not going to find somebody to sponsor your web series before you make it.
Jake Hurwitz and I'm Amir Blumenfeld. We are web series... |
cracked | why_back_to_the_future_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | We don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us, in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? I mean, she didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Back to the future. I'm allergic to raisins. Oh, specifically how it has the worst ending in movie history. So, l... |
cracked | director_s_corner_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another this week We go inside the making of cracked videos with a segment I call director's corner guys I'm here with Adam Ganser He is an editor and a writer and a director he's got his director head on today You know figuratively to tell us about how a crack video gets directed. Thank ... |
SaturdayNightLive | nick_burns_your_company_s_computer_guy_new_tech_guy_saturday_night_live | Oh, darn it, my computer froze again. You know, it hasn't been the same since that virus attacked the system.
Did anyone call Nick Burns? Yeah, I called him about half hour ago. he told me to go soak my head. I don't like that guy.
Well, I tried to run that Norton program to fix it, but it didn't work. And I don't kn... |
dropout | you_can_never_take_the_last_cookie | Ooh. Only some for someone else. Did you catch the newest ninja butt warriors? Uh, hell yeah I did. I don't want to take the whole thing. Do you remember when that lady used her butt to headbutt the other guy's butt? I rewound and I was still surprised. You taped it? Oh yeah, I tape everything. Huh, are we talking butt... |
cracked | if_buzzfeed_videos_were_openly_insane | No, I've never tried that before. Uh, no, I have never tried it before, but I wanted to, so...
I know my mom has done it, but I mean, I think she was like in her 20s. It was a long time ago. I feel excited. I'm very excited, actually, because I heard it's supposed to be life-changing. I've heard it's a huge financial ... |
cracked | why_the_sandlot_is_secretly_about_american_racism | The Sandlot was the movie that taught us that terrorizing old blind men is awesome. So you're the one that's making all that racket. Low-level sexual assault is hilarious. And moving to a new town is pretty easy when you have a living saint in your neighborhood desperately trying to fill out the roster of his baseball ... |
SaturdayNightLive | inside_politics_cold_open_snl | Good afternoon, I'm Dana Bash, and welcome to inside Politics. we'll give Wolf Blitzer an edible and an hour to solve the Middle East. But first, on Tuesday, President Joe Biden won the Michigan Primary.
But a New York Times poll today has him down five points, and many voters still have concerns about his age.
Here ... |
dropout | Who_Tried_To_Join_a_Gang | Who tried to join a gang? I'm going to say, because he's from Compton. I knew it was Compton.
Hey, your words, not mine. That it has to be iffy. I'm going to go out and say that it isn't me. Okay. Oh, no. Well, who else would it be?
Yeah. You know, it would be someone, one of y'all who tried to join a gang. It did cr... |
SaturdayNightLive | avatar_snl | I'll be. As Chief of this clan, it's my job to keep you all safe. in doing that, I must tell the truths of this war. What's going on, Jake Sully? There are reports. the humans have infiltrated the Omatakaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us, disguised as avatars. That can't be. No! these are our brother... |
dropout | hitting_on_other_employees_like_bartenders | Hi, what can I get ya? Hey, um, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm still deciding. Pretty crowded in here, huh? Yeah, it's a bar. So what would you like? Uh, you know what, um, what's your favorite drink here? I wanna have whatever your favorite seasonal produce is.
So like, how'd you wind up doing this? Because, you know,... |
cracked | the_truth_about_taking_guns_away_from_cops | Hello, the name's Constable Charlene, don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you, I don't even own a gun.
What? Why not?
Because luckily for you, my drunken tourist friend in 2021, American police shot and killed 1,054 people. Well, British police shot two. Whew! Good thing I got arrested here.
Did you know that, inste... |
TheOnion | Pigmaster_General_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_7 | My body may still be recovering from several draining pig organ transplants after I had my heart attack when I was skyping my way into my murdered niece's funeral, but I'm only one-fifth of the way through my pig odyssey. Next stop, the Cleveland Hog Fair, where this year I'm serving as the Honorable Pig Master General... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hobbit_The_Battle_Of_The_Five_Armies | I think you're trying to save your dwarvish friends, but it does not dissuade me from my course. You started this, me friend, dear. You will forgive me if I finish it.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at The Hobbit, The Battle of the Five Armies, director Peter Jackson's ... |
TheOnion | An_Alarming_Crime_Scene_In_New_England_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_33 | New information is pouring in from New England today. What we now know about the active crime scene that has all the different kinds of cops. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and this is the Topical. Is there a doctor listening? Because I think I'm having a news attack.
Stay with us. The Topical... |
cracked | 10_ways_david_letterman_invented_youtube | Welcome to this YouTube video. Here's another one. In fact, Paul and I will be wrapping things up and taking a hike. That moment last year was huge news for your dad. Unless your dads are my age, which would mean they grew up on Conan and your four. Go to bed. Point is, that's a big deal because, I mean, you saw the vi... |
cracked | 5_ingenious_ways_thieves_of_the_future_will_be_robbing_you | Hello, from the year 2023! I've come to your decade because some of you are worried about your privacy and security in this ever-evolving digital age. Well, I'm here to tell you to sit back, relax, and enjoy things while you can because it's only going to get so much worse. Let's start with some tech you're already awa... |
dropout | bizarre_amazon_product_reviews | Amazon is a huge site with a lot of normal stuff, but then also some kind of weird stuff. We bought some of the weirdest stuff and we're gonna explore that with Emily and Pat. This is our first item.
Is it a Dracula costume? Oh, so you don't get raped.
She's a boyfriend pillow. Oh, a boyfriend pillow.
Oh. Oh my God.... |
wearethesundayblues | caspar_lee_chat_sandwich_episode_1_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Is that our theme song? Uh, yes. Hmm, that's good. Welcome to the first episode of our new talk show, Chat Sandwich.
Our first guest is a young man, originally from Knysna. Apparently he was so famous there, he couldn't go down onto Knysna's only ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_elon_musk_buys_twitter_companies_cut_ties_with_kanye_west_snl | This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn't want Twitter to become a free-for-all Hellscape, because that's his plan for Mars. I really don't understand why people are so worried that Elon is goi... |
cracked | why_peta_is_a_giant_nest_of_lies | Hello there! Cracked writer-performer Katie Stoll here. You may remember me from such hits as Cracked Videos and other Cracked Videos.
But today, I am here to discuss all of the truly icky things you didn't know you should know about PETA. No, I do not mean the delicious unleavened bread, which is a staple of Mediterr... |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Interviews_The_5_Year_Old_Screenwriter_Of_Fast_Five | We're so excited to welcome one of Hollywood's brightest creative talents, the screenwriter behind this summer's blockbuster, the new Fast and the Furious movie, Fast Five. Chris Morgan, thanks for joining us. Hi. Hi, Chris.
Now, Chris, these Fast and the Furious movies are just getting bigger and better. So when you ... |
dropout | hardly_working_new_york_city_story | The year was 1952. My family lived in Brooklyn. The Burl of Hope.
My old man drove a garbage truck for the city. It was a crummy job, but he didn't care. He was working for a living.
Back then we used to play stickball out on the street, and all the old guys in the neighborhood would come to watch. We'd try to play l... |
cracked | 8_quirks_of_famous_actors_you_will_never_unsee_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and we've mentioned before the bizarre way that Tom's crews and hanks always managed to find a way to sprint and urinate in all their movies respectively Well, it turns out there are lots of sta... |
SaturdayNightLive | white_elephant_snl | And, uh, maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas, right?
Cheers, everybody. Cheers. Oh, seriously, thank y'all for coming tonight.
Now, how about we start the White Elephant gift Exchange? does everyone know how this works? Remind me again. Oh, we all take turns grabbing gifts, right? ye... |
dropout | The_Game_Show_About_Rescuing_Your_Rich_Idiot_Friend_Where_In_the_Eff_Is_Sarah_Cincinnati | We all have that screw up friend that asks you to bail her out. Well, that friend is Sarah Cincinnati and she needs your help, gumshoes. Are you up to the task of doing her a solid just this one last time? You may ask why you're still friends, but hey, someone's gotta watch out for her, right? Uh oh, looks like you're ... |
dropout | what_americans_will_believe_about_christmas_in_the_uk | Hi, we're here in downtown Los Angeles with the holidays approaching We're asking people about the differences between Christmas in the US and the UK To prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone Our version of Santa Claus is that fat jolly elf in the UK. It'... |
wearethesundayblues | project_trapped_episode_02_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Mmm. Morning. Sleep well did you? Mmm, morning.
I did actually. I don't think I've slept that well since probably boy scout camp. No, good. Good to know because I pretty much didn't sleep at all thanks to you.
Why not?
Well firstly you're snoring. You sounded like a bear making love to a jackhammer. Yeah and what wa... |
cracked | i_love_you_man_review_aka_friendship_at_the_rush_show | and we're live I hope I pray we're gonna start because last time we did seven minutes of just talking about nonsense we're gonna avoid that because it's called chuffa yes welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better I'm the host of this show Jordan breeding... |
TheOnion | CEO_Worked_Way_Up_From_Son_Of_CEO | For over eight years, Gary Lightman has been the chief executive officer and guiding force behind tech company Media Merge Incorporated. Lightman spoke to reporters this week about working his way up from his humble beginnings as a son of the previous CEO. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would someday be... |
dropout | mr_vicarious_street_pranks | Hey, I'm Paul Scheer. Hi, I'm Nick Kroll. And this is Mr. Vicarious.
We're in the Sobey Lizards Lounge in Austin, Texas at South by Southwest, doing what Nick and I do best. Re-skinning ourselves. We love to re-skin ourselves.
Right. Yay. We've always wanted to live vicariously through people. They all have earpieces... |
SaturdayNightLive | at_t_operators_saturday_night_live | We are just calling on our various customers to see if you might be interested in saving up to 40% on your long-distance service. Sir, yes, you can't wait until the holiday season, but I'd not recommend it. Okay, well thank you very much for using At&t. No, sir, I'm still holding. No, Mci doesn't offer as wide a servic... |
dropout | The_CollegeHumor_Cast_and_Also_Kyle_Catches_Up | Hey guys, thanks for hopping on this call. It looks like some of you left some personal items in the office. I just wanted to go through them.
Is this everyone? Who do we have here? I think this is everyone who's coming. We got me, Lily, Raph, Katie.
Oh, and Kyle will be joining us, but just to watch. I'm sorry, who ... |
cracked | 3_times_sesame_street_was_too_spicy_for_tv_canonball | Cancel culture spares no one. Not even beloved children's media. Walt Disney's been dead for half a century, and people are still dredging up all that racist stuff in the back of the Disney vault. Silly. Ba dee dee da. Roald Dahl wrote Matilda and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but one little lifetime of anti-Semit... |
TheOnion | Online_Activists_Raise_5_Million_To_Create_New_Martin_Luther_King_Jr_Quote | I have a dream. Those were the words immortalized by the late Martin Luther King Jr. in 1963. And now, in 2020, some advocates are looking to further Dr. King's message. Hear how one group of white activists is raising millions of dollars to create a new and inspiring MLK quote.
And later, a troubling new report has f... |
SaturdayNightLive | paula_deen_s_paper_towels_saturday_night_live | I'm Paula Deen, and you know, my favorite two ingredients to cook with are butter and oil. But some people don't want all that fat in their food, and that's why I'm introducing my new product, Paula Deen's big ol'' Soak'em paper tiles, for when you wanna get the fat out of your good ol'' southern food. they are eight p... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_3_4_20 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate weekly bulletin live here from the budgie smuggler bedroom. You're joined by myself editor Clancy Overall of course editor-at-large Errol Parker how are you Errol? Good mate it's always sunny here i... |
Wizards_with_Guns | a_man_ate_a_suspicious_bug_this_is_what_happened_to_his_butt_balls_and_brain_ | Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, we watched him eat a bug. It was good, and it tasted like rice. A little bit of ketchup next time would be nice, but I'm worried, there won't be a next time. I'm feeling kind of sick, I'm forgetting how to rap. Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a ... |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_guest_david_cross | I'm actually doing the introduction right now. Okay. I'm Michael Showalter. And I'm David Cross.
You have a show on Comedy Central coming up, or is it already on? It's already cancelled. It's called Freak Show. I personally would know nothing about doing a show on Comedy Central that nobody watches.
I read in an inte... |
TheOnion | Keep_Your_Heart_Rate_Up_By_Staring_At_A_Bald_Man_Wearing_Goggles_Dr_Good_Ep_11 | Welcome back to the show. Coming up, Dr. Good's most beautiful creation finally lives, the perfect human. Ah, word that Dr. Good, we're here to enjoy this man-made life, this slap in the face of God itself.
It's going to be quite something. But right now, I'm going to give you some quick advice for building up your ca... |
TheOnion | Sexy_Truth_or_Sexy_Dare_Sex_House_Ep_2 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to Sex House.
All I'm thinking is I can't believe Aaron and Frank hooked up. Frank is 45, Aaron is a virgin. Part of me respects Frank's game for swooping in on Aaron like that, but Aaron must have major issues.
So I'm out i... |
cracked | that_time_toy_story_2_got_deleted_twice_cracked_fiend | Despite being large projects that rely on the work of hundreds, if not thousands, of people working in tandem, most movie productions are One Manic Breakdown, Drunken Brawl on the set, or... Let's have a look at the next bit, yeah... Nervous producer away from shutting down entirely.
Yeah, is that good? Yeah, it's pre... |
SaturdayNightLive | travis_kelce_gets_coached_by_heidi_gardner_for_snl | Hi, I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Kelsey Ballerini. Kelsey, you should change your last name to Travis. So we'd have Travis Kelcey and Kelsey Travis. Or maybe he should change his first name to Ballerini.
I don't know. I've always wanted to be a ballerina. seriously? good for... |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_dj_remixes_court_testimonies_and_needs_to_be_stopped | The court calls the defendant Daniel Manchez to the stand for examination by the prosecution. Your Honor, I'm honored. Now, Mr. Manchez, you're on trial for the death of Cindy Meyers.
Now, murder? That's a serious crime. Whoa, whoa. Okay, I did not kill anybody. Your Honor, I don't even know that lady. I'm just here t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_24_4_20 | You're listening to the Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Betooter Advocate Bulletin. I'm your host Clancy Overall, joined today of course by Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Always good, going mad. And Wendell Hussey, how are you Wendy? Still plugging away. How are ... |
TheOnion | Report_Many_Companies_Now_Offering_Women_Permanent_Unpaid_Maternity_Leave | In a move that business insiders are calling long overdue, many American companies are making a revolutionary effort to accommodate their female employees by offering them permanent, unpaid maternity leave. It was such a relief to know I didn't have to go back to work right after having a baby. I can just stay home ind... |
dropout | bbm_roulette_continues | Yo Internet, what's up? I'm Pat Castle. And I'm Dan Gerwich, and together we're two hosts.
Today we're going to be playing Blackberry BBM Roulette. Pat, tell them how it works. Dan and I are going to be pulling people off the street and having them spin our wheel. Whatever message the wheel lands on, they need to BBM ... |
cracked | death_wish_logan_lucky_the_sarahah_app_the_newest_innovation_in_cyberbullying_this_week_in_epcd | Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show, where we talk about everything that's going on in the news. It has nothing to do with the president or politics. Already losing it is my co-host, Maggie Mae Fish. Yeah, it's like it's not a talk show.
... |
dropout | Stop_Recommending_Things | Guys, I just started watching the best show last night. It's a gritty remake of Dawson's Creek. The acting in it is so good. It's called Dawson's- Shut the hell up. Don't you dare say the name of that television show. Do you understand? It's so good though.
Shut up. Okay. Shut up. Damn.
I'm just trying to be nice and... |
cracked | 8_plans_that_went_to_hell_before_they_even_got_started_spit_take_theater | Hello the audience and welcome to the spit take today We're listening to suddenly by the rapper a sap rocky It's got a slow building some of his best right and speaking of sudden things with lots of build today. We're watching Americans spend 40 billion dollars on weddings each year The average wedding has a higher rat... |
dropout | katie_won_t_let_this_bit_die | Okay, looks like it's meeting time. You guys ready? Let's go. What are you, a cheerleader? Ready, let's go.
Okay, you got me. What I said was funny.
You guys will both be at cheer practice after school today, right? Yeah, wouldn't miss it. Yeah, definitely.
I get to miss eighth period because of it. What? I know I h... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_169_Glenn_Wheatley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. This week, Errol Parker, editor at large, is up chasing a news story up in Longreach. They just had the big fundraiser conce... |
cracked | 6_viral_videos_that_qualify_as_child_abuse_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 5 of Crack TV, where saying witty acronyms is my mission. Mission accomplished. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Asian People Inflating. How you doing today, Clippy? I think you might be right, Dennis Dunn.
The moon is in the 7th house, and that means today's topic is 6 act... |
cracked | ding_dong_dead | Let me ask you something, son. Have you ever been killed with a doorknob before? Hi, Dan. Have a good weekend. Hey! Coworker!
Ouch, that sucked. I'm sorry, I'm just in a hurry.
Have you seen the Chief? No, he's not here, Daniel. And when he was here, I'm not his secretary, alright?
I'm a software engineer, right? My... |
dropout | there_s_meat_hiding_in_every_food | Yogurt, beans, veggie burgers, a vegetarian paradise. Are you sure? Don't you know that burger's got Worcestershire sauce in it? And where there's Worcestershire, there's anchovy. What?
Secret meat? Secret meat. Oh yeah baby, there's secret meat all over this table.
Okay, what about these beans, huh? Beans are litera... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Wonder_Woman_1984 | The time will come, Diana, and everything will be different. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, on a special socially distanced episode, I'll be looking at the latest film in the DC extended universe, Wonder Woman 1984, a lush and energetic superhero feature whose faithful recreation of the... |
dropout | the_guy_who_had_a_crazy_night | What up dude? Say, where have you been? Yeah, you missed that 11 o'clock meeting. Oh, guys, I had the craziest night last night. Like you always do. Seriously, just... Okay, what does that even mean? You never explain yourself. I don't even know what to begin.
Really, like, music was like so fucking loud. Like, just, ... |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition | How islands stay put Nothing about coronavirus The quarantine Islands have anchors Mojito recipes So you're going to need mint Don't have it Lime Don't have it Club soda Don't have it And rum Woo mojitos Online yoga class Good for you staying in shape Online Zumba class Regular exercise is a great stress reliever Onlin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_219_Jimmy_Carr | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Thank you for joining us on The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here from Desert Rock FM studios in Outback Queensland Channel Country. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooter Ad... |
cracked | 20_movie_special_effects_you_won_t_believe_aren_t_cgi | 20 movie effects are not speed The street had to become pretty much a chimney for the fire.
It will run up the street as it eats up the fuel Giant air blowers were used to blow apart the specially constructed miniature buildings cars and freeways the port cover Pull to break the seal Arnold comes out of his room and s... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_heidi_gardner_mikey_day_and_cecily_strong_snl | Insiders are saying that the House January 6th Committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. but after this week, I think he's pretty much locked down that insanity place. semi-retired maniac, Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital Nft trading cards depicting him in various costu... |
cracked | the_7_creepiest_simpsons_fan_tributes_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 21 of Crack TV, where sophisticated women always insist on Michael. With me, as always, is my co-host, clips of slowed-down high-pitched Gilbert Gottfried. How you doing, Clippy? It's like listening to the ocean.
According to the dire warnings in Roland Emmerich's latest opus, Shit Go... |
TheOnion | Reporter_In_Helicopter_Pretty_Sure_Landslide_Down_There | I have not spoken to authorities, Michael. I was awoken in my hotel less than 45 minutes ago. Most of my time was spent securing access to a helicopter with a mounted camera. I am flying above the Philippines now.
Okay, we're seeing the feed now. Don, tell us about the mudslide, the damages there as you see it. Well, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | chloe_fineman_workshops_her_dua_lipa_impression_snl | Saturday Night Live.
Hey, Dua. hey, Chloe. I was literally just working on my new impression.
Five, Six, Seven, eight. if you want to run away with me, we can play ha-la-seek first count to five. that's hilarious. right? who was it? You.
Oh, well, the lyrics maybe aren't like 100% there. right, right. All right, how... |
Wizards_with_Guns | karate_for_christ_g_is_for_jesus_2 | I have a way of dealing with my enemies that I would like to demonstrate. Do you know how I do that? Ah, you go for the throat.
No! I'll pray for them. Of course. Now let's bow our heads and close our eyes. Ah! Never let your guard down!
Now, what you need to understand is that Goliath was ten. Nearly twenty. Some sa... |
SaturdayNightLive | bosses_snl | So Janet, how's your first month year been? Oh, it's been great.
I'm so happy to be working here. Well, we're lucky to have you, but I don't want to make this a big deal.
I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me. Oh, Daniel's our top salesman. really? Well, he's always been cool to me.
You're right. it's proba... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | An_Underpaid_Apprentice_Bloke_Promises_He_Can_Change_The_ABC_s_Controversial_Episode_May_17 | An underpaid apprentice reveals his preferred politician, a bloke promises he can change and the ABC airs a controversial episode. Hey, it's Effie Bateman and this is your Daily Batuda. And in the booth with Effie is myself Clancy Overall, Editor of the Batuda Advocate. Thank you for tuning in and what a lovely day of ... |
ClickHole | if_black_people_said_the_things_my_doctor_says | Okay, so this is just going to be a routine physical. I'm just going to check in and make sure everything is working like it should. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
This is odd, but there seems to be something bulging in your stomach. So according to this x-ray, you have an entire candle in your stomach. Why is there... |
dropout | troopers_rescue_mission | So, are you guys gonna check that coolant leak now, or, uh, what's the plan? They're not maintenance, idiot! That was a lie, so you let them in. They're here for the princess!
I know, okay? Then why would you- I have trouble admitting my mistakes. It's not my fault.
Station 38, comment station 38. Is everything okay?... |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_fast_furious | And so he climbed the mountain bear and snatched the crown from the dragon's lair.
Babe, that was awesome. You could be on The Voice, Levine's team. Thank you.
Twas the tale of Laswin, a warrior most brave. He was one of our greatest heroes. So Brian, tell us a legend of your people.
Okay, yeah. I guess if I just ha... |
TheOnion | Dark_Ominous_Storm_Clouds_Atop_Mount_Money_Indicate_Recession_Could_Be_Near_The_Topical_Ep_37 | The Trump administration insists the economy is doing well, so why is Mount Money covered in dark ominous storm clouds? And a recent study has found that one in 100,000 iPhones emits a level of radiation that can be harmful to humans.
We've got the latest tips on how to make sure you get your hands on one. From the On... |
TheOnion | Back_Of_Library_Smells_Like_Weed | Well, everyone in Pennington is talking about it.
Something smells like weed in that back part of the library. No one has located the source of the weed smell, but witnesses say that it seems to come from that area of the library behind the computer desk between the magazine rack and that weird couch. Head librarian C... |
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