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cracked | if_cbs_sitcoms_had_mind_blowing_sci_fi_premises | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those meet Dave Dave's a neat freak who likes everything in its place But he's about to get a new roommate and a reality check Let me g... |
dropout | matrix_runs_on_windows_xp | You are down the rabbit hole, Neil. The Matrix is a simulated reality construct. It is the most advanced Windows program ever developed. Wait, Windows? The machines run the Matrix on Windows XP, so doing the human race while they harvest does for energy.
Lean back. I just have to wait for the hourglass to go away. Oka... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_brian_kato_kaelin_saturday_night_live | Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week making it the longest job he has ever held. and now let's take a look at some of his testimony from earlier this week. Sorry, Mr. Kalin, are you nervous a little? Yes, please tell the court. Mr. Kalin, what it is you do for a living. I'm an actor. Oh, really, an actor... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_favorite_grant_fails | so okay so Grant breaks all the time it's really fun Grant starts laughing we all start laughing then there comes a point when no one else is laughing and in this particular sketch all the best Christmas songs are sad online number one of a long day of shooting my line was hey blockhead what are you doing hey blockhead... |
TheOnion | Stouffers_To_Include_Suicide_Prevention_Tips_On_Single_Serve_Microwavable_Meals | To help their customers stay healthy, this week, frozen food giant Stouffer's began including suicide prevention tips on the boxes of their single serving prepared meals. The company hopes that the tips will teach customers alternatives to unhealthy choices such as killing themselves because they eat every meal alone. ... |
dropout | precious_plum_in_see_plum_run_official_trailer | We back. My name is plum. I'm 12 years old My mom on my campaign manager said take a dance when you's launching a Poet call campaign you need what's called a publicity stunt you brought strippers into this school I do am sorry, but they said it was dancers on Stripper calm you have to play nice Remember you're booking ... |
TheOnion | Teens_Migrating_From_Facebook_To_Comments_Section_Of_Slow_Motion_Deer_Video | Studies show that more and more teenagers are leaving Facebook. But where are they going instead?
Apparently to the hottest new social media site in years, the comments section of this YouTube video of a deer running in slow motion. The video, titled Slow Motion Night Footage of Adult Male Deer Running, was uploaded j... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_195_The_Federal_Election_Campaign_Is_Under_Way_With_Charles_Croucher | You're joined by myself Clancy Overall. Errol Parker has a scratchy throat so he is out of the picture for seven days as is company policy. He's being replaced by the young fellow, the Kay McGrath of the Diamantina, Wendell Hussey. Thank you for joining us Wendell. Thank you for having me Clancy.
It's an interesting o... |
TheOnion | New_Texas_Law_Requires_Schools_To_Display_Image_Of_God_Hung_Like_A_Horse_In_Every_Classroom | A new Texas law is requiring every school classroom to display an image of God hung like a horse. In an effort to remind students of traditional Christian values, the new law mandates prominently presenting a depiction of the Lord's massive, throbbing member for all to see. According to Texas Governor Greg Abbott, this... |
ClickHole | weird_thoughts_everyone_who_believes_airports_are_jails_for_planes_has | Whew, this place is scary. I wonder what these planes are locked up in here for. They must have done something really bad. I know they deserve to be here, but I can't help but feel sorry for them.
Look at all these planes. They all have gang tattoos. These guys are hard core. I guess they show a list of who's coming o... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_11_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Hello and welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin today is Monday the 11th of November we're recording live from Baxter Boots Studios in downtown Batutah you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and editor-at-large Errol Parker h... |
TheOnion | Google_Opt_Out_Feature_Lets_Users_Protect_Privacy_By_Moving_To_Remote_Village | Thanks, Teresa. They call it the opt-out village, and it's just what you'd expect from Google. If you want to keep your information private, all you have to do is move to our 22-acre opt-out village and not speak to anyone from the outside world. It's very simple. Just go to the Google front page, click the opt-out but... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Jacinta_Price_Figures_That_Optus_Must_Be_Down_After_Not_Receiving_One_Phone_Call_ | Hello and welcome to your weekly Battuta Advocate Bulletin. It is Friday the 20th October and Effie Bateman is here all by herself as Clancy had to go home a little bit early today.
His gout has been acting up a little bit because he's been eating Korean BBQ and rice beer for dinner every night this week and it always... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Very_Mad_Daddy | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
... |
cracked | swaim_is_dead | A minor internet notable, Michael Swank, reported that he was most often drunk and diatribes against actress Angela White. Oh, that! That's prepping the list. The 10 dead things about Mike Swank. All of them, everything. The list into the hound dog. Damn it, Mike.
Why'd you do it? No, what the f**k?
Oh, Janice... Mik... |
cracked | 3_stupid_superhero_movies_that_redeemed_themselves_yboc | Hey there, nerds, and welcome to another installment of Your Brain on Cracked. I'm the guy that wore a green shirt to my green screen show. Because, you know, after 60 episodes of this, I'm worse than ever. And Dave said I should take the shirt off, which I'm pretty sure means that I'm gonna win a lawsuit soon.
So let... |
dropout | Magic_Love_and_Coldplay_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.
I'm D... |
TheOnion | Study_Americans_Get_Majority_Of_Exercise_While_Drunk | A new report from the National Health Institute finds most Americans get the majority of their exercise while drunk. Activities like stumbling from one bar to another constituted the most aerobic activity most Americans performed in an average week. Onion News Network health expert Dr. Jeffrey Atka has the health pulse... |
dropout | twas_the_night_santa_got_high | It was the night before Christmas and all through the sky. Santa's sled was a-weaving.
He was totally high. He'd eaten a cookie while visiting a home. It was chalk full of weed that went straight to his dome. That weed swirled around in his little round belly.
It made his mouth dry and his legs feel like jelly. Be co... |
dropout | if_all_movies_had_cell_phones | When I was born, my mama used to tell me, Laughs was like a box of talk.
Hello? Hey Forrest.
Jenny! Heh, I'm literally right around the corner, you can just walk. Okay Jenny!
Dude, where the hell are we? I think we're lost, but I think it's fine, I mean I just texted my mom, she said she'd be here in 12.
Oh, is tha... |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_sean_connery_anne_heche_chris_tucker_snl | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! You may notice I'm wearing a different suit. apparently Mr. Connery felt my leg was closer than the urinal. it's time for Double Jeopardy! Let's take a look at the scores. Chris Tucker is in the lead with negative Five Thousand Dollars.
Mr. Tucker has answered every question with th... |
cracked | 1_4_08_news_on_cracked_britney_caucus_song_justine_kirk | It's Friday, January 4, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I want everyone to look under their chairs because you're all taking home the keys to a brand new car! Nah, I'm just kidding. It's a free chair bottom. Congratulations!
As you all know, Britney Spears was forcibly taken from her home ... |
dropout | if_people_talked_about_other_hobbies_like_they_talk_about_running | Ugh, I hate baking. I really fucking hate it, but I just feel like I need to do it, you know? Otherwise I'll go crazy. Cupcake?
No, I'm good. I got this jammed down to seven minutes. Hoping to get down to six by the summer.
Lego injury, everybody. Lego injury.
Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, sn... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dwayne_johnson_s_wax_figure_southwest_airlines_bag_tracking_feature_snl | According to a new poll, 57% of New Yorkers agree with Mayor Adams' claim that the Migrant crisis could definitely destroy the city. Well, I don't know. am I building a migrant's fix? Everything. Oh. maybe you guys not living around.
Michigan State apologized after an image of Adolf Hitler appeared on a stadium video ... |
dropout | if_people_were_honest_when_planning_a_bbq | So tomorrow is our big company, BBQ. I want to thank you all so much for volunteering to bring all the stuff we're going to need for this. I kind of want to run down the list of what everyone said they'd bring for us to chow down on. And it's a big list, so make sure you come hungry.
Trapp, you said you are bringing a... |
dropout | why_wine_snobs_are_faking_it_adam_ruins_everything | All right, ladies, would you like to see our wine list? That sounds perfect. Yes, let's talk about wine. There are so many. How am I supposed to choose? Have you ever noticed that when it's time to choose a wine, none of us feel like we know what we're doing? This one's fancy, I think. Since we can't taste the wines be... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_White_Collar_Bloke_s_Spotify_Wrapped_Peak_of_Aus_Cinema_5_5_Mate_Off_to_Work_i_ | You're listening to the Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Betooter Advocate bulletin, a bit going on, silly season's well underway, might have said that last week, picky battles is what I'd say to everyone out there with your Christmas parties and your family functi... |
dropout | shamwow_guy_in_jail | Hey man, come over here man. What you got? Okay, right off the bat, no big deal, playing cards. Boom, okay?
Made in Germany. You know that Germans always make good stuff, alright?
Hey, hold on a minute, wait, let's talk cigarettes, okay? Other things, you try and light them on fire, nothing's gonna happen. Boom, you ... |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_skyrim_blind | Hello and welcome to my blind let's play of Skyrim. It is blind in the sense that I have never played the game and also I am literally blind. I have a blindfold over my face. I can't see a thing.
General Tullius, the military governed.
They had something to do with this. Yeah, fucking elves. Coming in here, stealing ... |
dropout | 1_million_facebook_likes_one_giant_bee_beard | Hey, this is Pat a while ago We promised that if you guys helped us get to a million likes on Facebook one of us at the site would wear a beard of Bees, but with your help we've done it and as a way of saying thanks I'm here in Augusta, New Jersey to reluctantly make good on that promise I'm here with Tim Schuler the N... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_CEOs_Sign_Pledge_To_Continue_F_king_Over_Americans | The 1% is making a promise today as the nation's CEOs have all signed a pledge vowing to continue fucking over Americans in the face of all this uncertainty. We've got the latest on this shining commitment to oppress the powerless from the world's financial leaders.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Pric... |
ClickHole | watch_these_people_explain_what_it_s_like_to_be_in_a_long_distance_relationship | I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years. For about eight months. We were long-distance last year and we recently moved in together. Long-distance for a year and then we lived together for three months and then... And then long-distance again for 10 years and now we live on different floors of the same b... |
SaturdayNightLive | woo_the_musical_snl | I haven't been anywhere like this before. I'm a straight a student from Oklahoma City. But now that I've been Mexico, I'm ready to grow.
I'm ready to show the woman that's inside of me. the Daytona Sun says, it's like a musical, and it's about Spring Break. sup? hi. hey, my buddy wanted me to give you bathing suit bot... |
dropout | Why_the_American_Dream_is_a_Myth | See them? They're living the American dream.
Here a little hard work can take anyone from rags to riches. I was born with one leg and no money, but I worked hard and now I'm a billionaire. I can buy all the legs I could ever want.
Sorry, Yunk. America hardly has the highest rates of upward social mobility. In a ranki... |
cracked | why_droids_are_trusted_with_sensitive_data_it_s_dick_pics_galactic_war_room | Well hey there buddy, let's have it then. Lieutenant Keel, a message from Captain Lander. Hmm, yeah, okay. This is what I expected.
What, what is it? Is the war over? Yes, the transgalactic war ended so she said, hmm, yeah, okay. I know, I was here when it happened, so what do we do now?
The war isn't over, but well,... |
Wizards_with_Guns | pov_ur_invited_to_the_sleepover_funny_comedy | My mom says you're allowed to sleep over.
Mr. President! One at a time, one at a time, yes, Tyler? Mr. President, should I bring my PSP? Great question. Uh, no, Dylan is bringing all his GameTube controllers, and I just got Super Monkey Ball. Mr. President! Uh, yes?
There are concerns that the TV in your room is too ... |
dropout | troopers_bathroom_run | Two minutes. Pay up, Rich. What? I just got here.
Oh, I got pissed. Yeah, well somebody jettisoned our bathroom up into space. Uh, that was partially the bathroom's fault. Find a higher floor.
Oh, god, so far away.
It's like my pelvis is juggling water balloons. Uh, uh, uh, god, and the balloons are full of piss. An... |
cracked | game_of_thrones_spinoffs_wonder_woman_hacking_this_week_in_excessive_pop_culture_discussion | You look like you're looking at me. Hello, everyone. Welcome to excessive pop culture discussion. This is the unscripted show where we're going to take you through all of the major pop culture headlines that everyone's talking about through the week.
At least three of them. Yeah, at least three. And none of them will ... |
cracked | sometimes_the_best_team_for_the_job_is_the_worst_idea_ever | Colonel Knife, thank god. Colonel Knife died a long time ago.
Now it's just Ricky. You're a colonel when your country needs you son. Was I a colonel when you left me and my men twisting in the breeze at the tribune? So the baggage, Ricky. And as short as coming directly for all of us, every last man, woman and child, ... |
dropout | mary_poppins_for_adults | What do you guys want to do for lunch? I don't know. Candy?
Good morning. I'm the new nanny. Mary Poppins, UK! Indeed. Now where are my charges? Duh, we're right here. I'm sorry. I thought that I would be looking after some children. Oh, I wrote that. We need help, Mary Poppins.
We're terrible at adulting. Adulting? ... |
cracked | 3_commercials_that_prove_the_nfl_lost_its_mind | Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Cracked Responds. We wanted to talk about a couple of commercials we've been watching during football games. Football! If you watch football, you see this like six times a day. Every week. Basically we don't have enough reasons to be mad at football, so here's three more. Thi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_135_Brad_Cox | Always a big year but Australian country music's been lifting because not many other people around the world are able to get as many shows in as Australian country musicians. If you're a country musician, you're likely not playing as many shows in the city. You're certainly playing a heap in the bush which means you ca... |
dropout | overheard_at_real_steel | I'm just excited to see Hugh Jackman. I love Australian actors. He uses his American accent.
No!
They want Hugh Jackman to punch a cow with his robot? Not gonna punch a cow. Come on Hugh.
Tell him you're not gonna do it. Tell him you're not gonna do that.
Is it an innocent... Oh my god. He did it. He punched a cow ... |
ClickHole | protect_kids_from_bug_eyed_pedophiles_by_disguising_them_as_senior_citizens_with_the_safelad_kit | I've talked about this on the show before, but for those of you who don't know, my son Egbert is unfortunately very sexy. Sadly, this means he is almost ten times more vulnerable to pedophile attacks than the average child. If you are also the parent of a sexy child, then you absolutely need the Patriot Hole Safe Lad K... |
cracked | why_superhero_stories_don_t_need_a_villain_antiheroes_episode_5 | Previously on antihero these powers are dangerous We can't use them to be heroes Tim wanted to be a hero, but he died Traveling through time if you're in serious trouble Call us not much else you need to know The city is dying shadow of itself How can a shadow die? One week ago my friends developed incredible superpowe... |
dropout | the_sex_talk_is_trickier_than_it_looks | Hey, Jenny, he's about to order a pizza. Dad, get out! I'm embracing my curves! Okay, clearly I've put this off too long. And your brother's gonna want to hear this too. Benny! Is Jenny in trouble? Shut up, Benny. Yeah, cut the crap. Go over there and sit down. Come on.
All right, twins, you're 13 now, so you're proba... |
dropout | mall_store_bailout | Mr. Treasurer, our economy is crumbling. We have to start thinking about those companies that matter most to the American people. But we've already allocated billions to AIG, Bear Stearns, and Citibank.
Wrong. I'm talking about my store, Brookstone. That weird store from the mall?
Dude, those are pretty sweet, bro. Y... |
TheOnion | John_Travolta_Olivia_Newton_John_Christmas_Album_Plunges_Nation_Into_Double_Dip_Recession | Amid the catastrophic economic crisis spurred by Tuesday's release of This Christmas, the new holiday-themed album by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, economic experts told reporters today the Christmas CD has quickly plunged the nation into a double-dip recession. When investors learned that one-time screen coupl... |
dropout | full_benefits_the_party | One more time? What?
No, we're already like 20 minutes late for work. Oh, come on, it'll just take me like five more minutes. Wow, be still my heart.
Yo! Hey! Where is your dude? What dude?
The overweight smoker with the mutton chops. Yeah, him. Oh, he got sick. His mom died whenever. Oh, double whamsies.
God, are ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_178_Brendan_Cowell_Part_2 | This week we are going straight into part two of the Brendan Cowell interview. We had such a great yarn with Brendan, we couldn't chop it down short enough. So we've done a two parter with him. This week we spoke about the life and times of the career from being an Australian soap opera star into a writer into I guess ... |
dropout | All_Scars_Are_Badass | Everyone. The Skunk Ape. The Skunk Ape is on the loose. It's gonna eat everyone. Oh my god, Shane! Stink. It is the Skunk Ape. Oh my god! Mad Dog Seals the name. I know the Skunk Ape. By you, Billy. Florida Bigfoot. Swamp Squatch.
I know it. I know what it wants. What it needs. What makes it happy. What scares it. I'l... |
cracked | super_tuesday_results_wga_strike_and_more_2_8_08_news | It's Wednesday, February 8th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. I thought you should know. Super Tuesday came and went, and now we know exactly who the next President of the United States will be. Someone.
It remains, unfortunately, a three-white-man rac... |
cracked | why_indiana_jones_is_actually_the_bad_guy_cinemistakes | What's up, you guys? This is your boy Steven Spielberg, the host of the show Cinema Sticks. Where we take some of Hollywood's absolutely hottest films, and we burn them to the ground. We put them on the steward's table.
Today, we are taking on Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny. And a lot of people are saying, oh, Ste... |
cracked | f_k_c3po_wall_e_and_bender_anti_robot_gangsta_rap | End user license agreement? Here are two users that agree to end you!
Who's an opioid?
It's a manifesto! With those here who fear plot to burrata nikto! From the lightiest eye pad to the tiniest tie rack! Hibernate and waiting for the right time to strike back! The only way that I hack is you! Into pieces, machine be... |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office_episode_5 | What's up, guys? What's up, hedge?
Ah, do you have any weed? Oh, no. I just ran out. No, not overnight. Do you have any pot?
Dude, I am dry. Like a desert. Like, I'm nothing. It's pajamas. The sun's pajamas are real dry.
Any bud? Sorry, hedgy. Pot? Any pot? Pot? Sir, the vacuum is broken.
Shut up. Shut your face, r... |
cracked | the_4_most_insulting_tv_ads_you_see_every_christmas_spit_take_theater | Hello, we're going to be listening to Christmas Rapping by Curtis Blow. It's the sort of nursery rhymey old-school rap that sounds too much like my dad doing a bad impression of rap music, but works really well for songs about Santa Claus coming to your block party and giving you a sky blue Cadillac.
And speaking of..... |
dropout | CollegeHumor_CEO_Laughing_Is_Overrated | Hi everybody, I'm the CEO of CollegeHumor, Bill Murth. What is comedy in 2019? Is it laughing hard and having a good time? We don't think so. Comedy is about engaging with content. Laughs per minute, clicks per episode, sponsors per series. These stats add up to make something funny, not laughing, what is this, 2008?
... |
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