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dropout | big_tobacco_s_saying_sorry_because_they_legally_have_to | There comes a time when you know you gotta fess up to the bad things you've done, like what a federal court forces you to. That's why we're owning up to the defrauding of the American public about the harmful effects of cigarettes and offering our sincere, heartfelt, legally mandated apology. So we lied to your faces, ... |
cracked | how_companies_undermine_your_right_to_repair_their_broken_crap_cracked_explains | And unfortunately, major companies are trying their best to fight your right to repair because it infringes on their right to sell you broken shit. Americans spend over $1,400 a year on new electronics, including appliances, cell phones, and other consumer devices like this TSA-approved motorized luggage that turns JFK... |
SaturdayNightLive | ma_s_spagehetti_sauce_saturday_night_live | Hey, well, let's say that's a true story. Joey was there. we busted that Stenard's head right open, right Joey? hey, nobody disrespects me like that and gets away with it. we stopped that guy's body in the river, Eddie. hey, hey, we teach him a lesson you wanna you want? I should make him a Spaghet. Yeah sure Ma'am. I ... |
TheOnion | Jessica_Simpson_Goes_On_Nationwide_Book_Tour_To_Promote_The_Novel_She_Read | It seems like Jessica Simpson has been everywhere lately.
The pregnant Hollywood starlet is currently touring the country promoting the novel she finished reading just last month.
Simpson is campaigning hard for the book, a 414-page thriller written in 1996 by John Grisham called The Runaway Jury, promoting the bests... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Zachary_Ruane_from_AUNTY_DONNA_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and soak up the smell of an old carpet with the aroma of residual smoke from back when it was legal to smoke indoors in Australia. That is the smell of the video store that I used to work at when I was a teenager. But the smell of the video store I work at right now is absolutely beautiful and heavenly.... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_205_Darren_Chester_Nationals | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. You are listening to the Batutah Advocates New Decode podcast, a s... |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_robot_was_programmed_to_feel_human_pain | for a single exit and entrance for sperm, eggs, and a waste. Hey Mitch, how you feeling? I don't know man, I still feel depressed. I'm sorry man, but hey, I might have something that could cheer you up. What is that?
It's a Quizno, he's a comedy robot. So what, he tells jokes? Yeah, but they programmed him with real h... |
cracked | why_work_will_still_suck_in_space_starship_icarus_episode_4 | I hate this song, it's overplayed. Yeah, you know, but they did a remix of it that's pretty good. They added like a fat...
What?
What the f- In the distant future, the starship Icarus is dispatched to seek out strange new life and adventure. This is the story of the low-level support crew who maintained it.
Momingo?... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_151_Georgie_Dent | We celebrated that by interviewing a couple of blokes, one who used to be on The Great Cricketer. It's the new podcast, Have a Go, podcast on the Diamond Team Network. Didn't really time that one that well, probably could have swapped it around and had today's guest on Monday instead, but that's the dings and the dents... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Koori_Knockout_Special_with_Dean_Widders | What we've got here today is one of a dream run of indigenous guests. Obviously, we've got a lot going on in the news. Turn on the TV or open a newspaper, you'd know that Aboriginal people are obviously the main character of a news story and a political moment that is gripping the country, whether they want to be or no... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Message_To_Anti_Vaxxers_Scotty_2_0_NSW_Ups_Their_Game_More_August_20 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate Weekly News Bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of The Betooter Advocate of course I'm joined again by Errol Parker editor at large how are you Errol? I'm always good Clancy let's... |
cracked | nasa_uses_an_it_s_always_sunny_in_philadelphia_quote_to_hype_up_moon_landers | NASA quoted one of our country's greatest patriots, Charlie Kelly of It's Always Sunny, to get us excited for the next moon landing. Yep, you heard that right.
Next year, the space agency's Artemis program is scheduled to send its first crewed mission into space with Artemis 2, in which four astronauts will perform a ... |
dropout | troopers_scareduke | Red Lord Sinister! Incoming message from the Alpha Fleet! Alpha Fleet?
Well, day ruined. Patch him through. Wait, okay. Red Lord Sinister! Ombray! What's up? Scare Duke Devious! To what do I owe the pleasure of your call? More good news for your battles, I bet. Yeah, total bummer. Six hours we only conquered two plane... |
dropout | if_crossfitters_took_a_yoga_class | Okay, class. Center yourselves. Deep breaths.
Clear the mind. One mind clear. Two mind clear. Three mind clear!
Freeze! You saved my PR. Oh, I'm sorry. I think you guys are in the wrong place.
This is yoga. Yeah. We're CrossFitters. We do CrossFitters. Our doctor said we should try yoga to supplement our cult of inj... |
dropout | pretend_you_can_afford_a_home_with_zillow | The entire act of buying a home can be so stressful. There's so much to consider. Is this neighborhood right? Does this home fit my life? Is it an issue that I have literally zero dollars? Is this home perfect for me? It's all really overwhelming.
That's why I love wasting my life on Zillow. With Zillow, you can easil... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kate_mckinnon_snl | In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once, and now they've got to live with it forever. sounds really unfair. The opinion was wri... |
dropout | st_patricks_day_vs_the_morning_after | Hey, uh, I have a feeling that I'm gonna forget this St. Patrick's Day, and I don't want to so I'm making this video and Hello me What the fuck did you do to me? We are gonna have an epic night, okay? But first I had to come back here to drink our shit because obviously I don't want to dump at a bar Also, let's be hone... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Scream_VI | Hello. Let's play a game. You know you're like the tenth guy to try this right?
It never works out for the dipshit in the mask. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Scream 6, the latest installment in the blockbuster franchise which serves as a frank and moving portrait of... |
Wizards_with_Guns | daniel_radcliffe_s_magic_tube_makes_us_uncomfortable_wizards_watch | Oh, that's how it's going to look? I think so. Wait, I'm going to look like that?
Okay, you'll fix it in post. You'll fix this in post.
Hello Whizzlers Is that what we're calling them? What's up guys? How's it going? Alright, that's the best I got so someone else is going to have to do it.
Hey everybody, welcome to ... |
dropout | reindeer_std | Oh man, that was one epic party last night. I saw you run off into the woods with Jessica Fluffytale. She's the hottest reindeer around. Oh you know it dude. We were going at it right. And then I did my patented move, the Antler's Surprise. First I dunk my antlers and eggnog. Then I go- Woah woah, you and Jessica? She'... |
cracked | that_time_a_famous_explorer_literally_bombed_a_dr_doolittle_movie_cracked_fiend | fucking hell, am I allowed to swear in these? Yeah. I should check. I apologise to the Americans watching this, it's hard to talk over here. Oh yeah, please fuck me.
The original Dr. Doolittle was attacked by terrorists. Wait, what? Animal terrorists? No, actually one of the world's greatest living explorers went and ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_12_Years_A_Slave | Days ago I was with my family, in my home, and all is lost.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new movie 12 Years a Slave, a historical drama based on the incredible true story of a free black man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery for over a decade. Star... |
TheOnion | Glenn_Beck_Appears_In_Revealing_Documentary_About_Brooke_Alvarez_s_Childhood_As_Russian_Cosmonaut | Welcome to the fact zone before we get started tonight I'd like to address something that's been in my sights a documentary entitled from space girl to news tyrant the brook alvarez story aired on public Television last night and it addressed certain points from my past that I hope would never come to light Many of you... |
cracked | apple_israeli_chefs_obama_platypuses_news_for_2_13_08 | It's Wednesday, February 13th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it's Shider. Got it. And I think he even starred in the Shider House Rules. Former child star Gary Coleman announced that he secretly married a 22-year-old woman. Witnesses who attended the ceremony called it the shortest weddin... |
dropout | awkward_historical_moments | ask not what your country can do for you ask what you can like for example if your country if your country wanted a muffin or a kidney bean pie that would or not that country can get hungry upping to lose five seconds do you feel so good to see those commie bastards cry he's on the moon and then these little sucker mar... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angelina_jolie_saturday_night_live | Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on charges of armed robbery because witnesses claim it is actually a man who turned himself into a goat, which should be a real challenge for Hotshot District Attorney Jack Madigan. ["laughter"] Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef in Japan sickened Seven Diners Tuesd... |
dropout | hardly_working_freestyling_interns | Ugh, employee evaluations.
I know, I'm not really worried though. I mean, Ricky loves us. No, Ricky loves those freestyling interns. He just kind of likes us. Okay, am I the only guy who doesn't like those freestyling interns? I mean, they're talented and whatever, but they don't do shares.
Uh, what's up guys? How go... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_alaska_airlines_ad_snl | As You may have heard, an Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing after a cabin door broke off. Here At Alaska, safety is our number one concern. But You gotta admit, look pretty cool. Plane Flying around, no door. Everyone's screaming, cell phones whipping out into the sky. It was awesome. That's why o... |
cracked | how_an_urban_legend_became_cracked_s_cousin_and_maybe_mailed_us_anthrax_wait_a_minute_what | Happy New Year! More like 2020, the extended edition. It's long since we had any hope.
As we were thinking of some strange nostalgia phenomenon for this New Year's episode, we remembered Bat Boy. You know, the little hybrid boy Bat Child allegedly found in a cave that terrified people on the cover of our nation's tabl... |
SaturdayNightLive | gun_city_snl | Ho, ho, ho! Thinking of what to get your loved ones for Christmas, why not give the gift that keeps you living? a gun from Gun City! To the First Lady of the house, get one of these teeny weeny guns! Order now and we'll throw in this designer Gucci holster! For the teams, we've got a whole slew of Saturday night specia... |
cracked | everything_you_know_about_heroin_addiction_is_wrong | This is Ed. He was a daily heroin user for over a year before he got clean. And he's here to explain some of the ways everyone gets heroin addiction wrong.
It's gonna be fun!
Movies portray heroin addiction as happening instantly. You jab that needle into your arm and boom, you're a skinny bass player in a grunge ban... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Discover_Dangerous_Link_Between_Book_Learnin_Back_Talk | 🎵 From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. The news waits for no one. Not even me, and I'm the one who makes it all up. So we better get started before it's too late. Here are today's top stories.
The Senate confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Amy Coney Barrett ... |
dropout | you_don_t_actually_need_a_menu | so it's like see so it's like the but it's different got comics and chats and stuff too did you guys get my invite to my birthday yeah yeah I'm so sorry you guys shouldn't have gotten that so you can just ignore the times are getting to be oh yeah we should probably order food if we're gonna be here all night yeah let'... |
cracked | coming_soon_to_cracked_staff_picks | In 2023, when there is an exhausting amount of streaming services, it's safe to say that we all kind of miss video rental stores.
There's been a slow-growing nostalgia for VHSs and rental store culture over the last few years.
And with behind-the-scenes rights battles and HBO Max or Max or whatever they're calling it... |
dropout | don_t_eat_the_laundry_pods_seriously_they_re_poison_ | You up to anything tonight? Uh, no. Probably just gonna go home and catch up on some laundry. You know, someone left a bunch of free samples of those laundry pods if you want to try them out. Oh yeah, cool. Yeah, just don't eat any, okay? What? Nothing.
It was a dumb joke. They're kind of brightly colored little gel t... |
cracked | president_donald_trump_s_white_supremacist_problem_is_deeper_than_you_think_some_news | Here's some news, the, uh, yeah, apparently you take a week off doing the news and then Nazis hold rallies and kill people. Let me back up. Yes!
So there was like a, like a civil war, right? And they were like, like, so, like, war, war about it? And depending on who you ask, it was about Southern pride, or states' rig... |
cracked | 7_reasons_being_trapped_is_still_better_than_freedom_3_dead_philosophers | After all this time, I'm fine. Me, oh, shit, that was rude. Uh, I'll get you down. No, no, no, no, I'm good. What do you mean you're good?
Oh, I'll just lick the lichen off the walls and collect water drippings in my shoes, thinking I'm sad.
You just talked a guy into killing himself to free you. No, no, no, no, I ta... |
cracked | sex_games_and_giant_tea_sets_the_craziest_star_trek_episode_cracked_responds | Tom you know how everyone complains about the new Star Trek movies being way dumber than the TV show Yes, that is a true statement of so I have found an episode from the old TV show from the next generation generation It's called the games from season five an episode where everyone on the enterprise gets addicted to an... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_left_4_dead_with_human_giant | Welcome to a very special episode of Bleep Loop. We are broadcasting out of our underground bunker in New York and connected via Xbox Live with our friends Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer from Human Giant in LA. We are playing Left 4 Dead and we seem to be in the middle of some sort of zombie apocalypse. We thought we'd all ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_27_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin the day is Thursday the 27th of June coming live out of the Baxter Boots studio to myself Clancy Overall Errol Parker editor at large and of course our news reader Wendell Hussey how are you today... |
SaturdayNightLive | nightmare_at_20_000_feet_saturday_night_live | When will this storm ever end? Oh, it's fine, dear. hundreds of planes fly through this kind of weather every day. yeah, but I'm not on those planes.
Oh, relax. it'll be better if you just try to sleep. Okay. all right. I'll try.
Honey, there's something out there. What? Where? on the wing. I saw something. let me se... |
dropout | hardly_working_from_home | Okay, I think everyone's here. Hey guys, as you all know, Hurricane Sandy has closed our office temporarily, so until it reopens, we're going to be video conferencing all of our meetings. I know it's not ideal, but hey, you know, at least it's a chance for us all to unwind and work from home for a change. All right, al... |
SaturdayNightLive | summer_of_trump_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from former President Donald Trump from his new home, the barricades outside of a Manhattan courthouse. Thank you for coming to visit me in my cage at the Zoo. I'm really enjoying these post-court press conferences in this very weird and depressing hallway. I don't like being in court because they sa... |
cracked | we_can_impeach_donald_trump_at_any_time_hint_the_emoluments_clause | Hey you, it's I, me.
Ever since President Trump became the name of our president, you may have heard a lot about emoluments, and some they call the emoluments clause. The emoluments clause. The emolument clause. The emoluments clause. The Constitution. Emoluments. The emoluments clause. The emol- emoluments clause. An... |
cracked | obscure_anime_that_fixes_the_stupid_live_action_versions_canonball | Anime sure loves to absolutely destroy stuff, like it's go-to victim, Tokyo Tower. Other things that Japanese animation has been known to obliterate include your social life, if you get a little too into it, or visits to the squid exhibit at your local aquarium, if you get a little too into a very specific kind of anim... |
TheOnion | AFAJP_Celebrity_Testimonials | Hello, I'm Tom Hanks, thank you.
As an artist with a taste for excellence, I find it odd, truly odd, that The Onion has yet to be honored by whoever it is that awards the Pulitzer Prize. In fact, I'm angry. There's no question in my mind that they are deserving of journalism's highest honor, the Pulitzer Prize. It's h... |
cracked | the_most_expensive_movie_you_ve_never_heard_of_cracked_responds | You ready for monster trucks? Oh, yeah. I can't wait.
Oh, it's a live action. I would have thought cartoon. It's basically a cartoon. Whoa, what is that, a squid? Yeah, it's a mutated radioactive squid. Oh, that's cute. It's like a little buddy comedy. It's smart.
It's a monster truck. You named him Creech? He remind... |
cracked | 4_dumb_ways_hollywood_kills_characters_because_they_think_we_re_stupid_yboc_mcu_game_of_thrones | Hey there, I read Jordans in your crack brain is a show episode. Okay, so you know movies, right? They're like plays, but they're recorded with cameras. They're pretty hard to make, and in their ruthless quest for efficiency, characters who are no longer necessary to the plot get discarded like so much trash. Is that w... |
cracked | 8_true_story_movies_that_are_full_of_lies | A true story that's full of s**t. I hope I'm not disturbing. No. Today's session is anything like our phone call. It should be explosive. What phone call? I'm saying that when the president does it, that means it's not illegal. If they want me to get down and grubble on the floor, no. Never.
Each one of you will spend... |
cracked | the_obvious_solution_to_the_airline_problem_united_airlines | Are you tired of airlines mistreating its customers? Using unnecessary violence, policing young women's dress codes, gross negligence of prize-winning rodents. These might all be one airline, but other airlines are pretty bad too. The airline industry has been taking advantage of its customers for far too long.
It's t... |
dropout | wow_everyone_s_flirting_with_me | Yeah. Seven died. Did you say meow?
Stop laughing at me. Stop it.
All right, is everyone ready to order? Yes. Can we get a large mushroom pizza and can I get a side of anchovies? Ooh. Adventurous. I like that. All right. I'll get that started for you guys right away.
Whoa. He was really hitting on me. Really?
I thi... |
SaturdayNightLive | looking_for_monica_saturday_night_live | Oh My. God, Ricky Martin is so cute. I know, it's crazy. Yeah. Oh, he's so cute.
Pardon me, I'm Barbara Walters, world-renowned celebrity journalist, veteran anchor, and co-host of the hot-hitting news magazine, 2020. Can you tell me where I might find tonight's host, Miss Monica Lewinsky? Well, she's not the host, ac... |
ClickHole | this_43_year_old_man_won_t_let_himself_be_defined_by_barbie_s_beauty_standards | Uh, I got my first Barbie when I was 37 years old, and even when I was younger, I knew I didn't need to look like her to feel good about myself. A lot of people want her to be just like Barbie because she's very pretty, but not me. You see, I don't need blonde hair, or long slender legs, or big pink jeep. It's not who ... |
dropout | the_ultimate_song_about_napping_with_reggie_watts | My Addy's gone, but I got so much to do Lines to make, I know I'm supposed to pursue What if I close my eyes for a little bit And then a little bit more Cause I hear that siren song of sleep Watch her, can you close that door?
I said, watch her, can you close that door? |
dropout | the_smartest_smartphone | Hey, it's gonna rain today. Better grab an umbrella.
Good call, smartphone. Oh, it's also your mom's birthday. Oh, man, you're right. Thanks, smartphone. You're so smart. Here's a great place to eat. Well, I am pretty hungry. Thanks again, smartphone. You're the smartest smartphone ever. Yeah, I'm pretty smart. Hey, y... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_walton_on_lebron_james_and_the_lakers_snl | The Nba season has passed the halfway point, and Lebron James and the L.a. Lakers are struggling. Here, with some perspective, is Nba analyst and Hall of Famer Bill Walton.
Today, nightlife, perhaps the premier comedy show in the history of Western civilization, Michael Che, the Wizard of Weekend Update, roared of the... |
dropout | summer_vacation_is_for_kids | I'm telling you I'm taller. Take off your shoes. That's not gonna make a difference.
I was hoping I could sit next to Grant, dude. You always sit next to Grant.
Whoa, these desks are so much smaller than I remember, dude. So sick. You were only gone a week. But it was summer vacation, bro. So it's a new start to the ... |
dropout | girl_can_t_help_making_penis_grocery_store_displays | And keep in mind that all toilets are ultimately replaceable. Oh, that makes sense. Here is our new vodka sauce. We're going to need a little display for these.
Is that something you would want to do? Yeah, I would love to. Oh, great. Why don't you give it a go? Give it a go.
I'll be right back. Okay. Okay, great. Gr... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_postdoc_junior_python_developer | Why did we learn Python and uni? Because we had to become a senior machine learning engineer before we had the time to learn programming. Before we start, make sure, you know, we're talking about Python 3, not Python 2. Actually, a bit of Python 2.7 is also okay. Geared towards children and PhDs. Children and PhDs. Pyt... |
TheOnion | Christian_Groups_Biblical_Armageddon_Must_Be_Taught_Alongside_Global_Warming | The Kansas State Supreme Court today has upheld the right of a school district there to present both global warming and the biblical Armageddon as legitimate theories about the end of the world. A documentary made about the controversial Kansas school district will be airing on PBS tonight. In this Kansas City school d... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | abc_media_watch_calls_out_channel_nine_for_plagiarising_outback_newspaper | Most of us are going to love this next story. A Sydney City parking ranger has accidentally booked himself, but rather than paying the $104 fine, he's taken it to court arguing, I was only parked for two minutes. Gavin, any sympathy? None. Hello, I'm Paul Barry. Welcome to Media Watch. And just as Cameron Williams pred... |
TheOnion | Lies_Men_Will_Tell_To_Get_You_To_Sleep_With_Them | Ladies, what's the worst lie a man has told you to try and get you to sleep with them? One time I was on a date with a guy who told me he was the sex champion of North America. But obviously I knew he wasn't the sex champion of North American because everyone knows Hector Rivera has been the North American sex champion... |
cracked | the_best_rick_and_morty_tech_if_you_take_away_the_unforeseen_tragic_consequences | Over in the Rick and Morty subreddit, fans recently discussed how, if you take away the tragic, dramatic, or ironic consequences of so many inventions in the show, it would actually be pretty sweet to have an infinite disposable worker box. Here are their choices for the best Rick and Morty inventions, the personality ... |
cracked | danny_tanner_wouldn_t_be_able_to_afford_the_full_house_home_today | The Tanner home is currently back on the market for $6.5 million dollars, and we know that Channel 8 ain't passing out paychecks that big. Unless Pam passed on some hidden family fortune in her will, Danny, you don't got it, dude.
In the Tanner's hometown of San Francisco, the problem is even worse than what the rest ... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_new_personalities_snl | John.
Man, you know what's going on with the hat? Oh, New Year New me might be a hat guy now. just a little tight on your head, huh, it's like pulling your eyebrows up. it's 2022 and I just I don't know want to try out a new personality?
You want to change your whole personality? Exactly like I'm kind of sick of bein... |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_alpha_males_do_not_exist | You make me laugh at him, which is weird, because you're not really my type. I usually go for alpha males. That's not weird at all, because in humans, the very idea of the alpha male makes absolutely no sense. What do you think an alpha male is? A confident, assertive leader who knows what he wants and always gets his ... |
cracked | worst_performance_review_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_7 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederion Collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little Anec... |
dropout | irl_files_the_animal | So, I'm down in Miami with a bunch of guys for a bachelor party. We were all ready to find some ladies, but by the time 8 o'clock rolled around, we were pretty much partied out.
Except for one of us. We called him The Animal. The Animal was still going strong, and we knew he was going to be troubled, so we ditched him... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_80_dylan_buckley_afl_final_special | Now, a lot's going on in the world this week. They've legalized marijuana in Canberra, they've decriminalized abortion in New South Wales. Prime Minister's overseas with Trump, doing his best to make friends with America while indirectly taking a lot of money from China. And sport is pretty much at fever pitch around t... |
cracked | did_christopher_nolan_rip_off_this_dana_carvey_movie_to_make_memento | 1994's Clean Slate was Carvey's first big movie role following his departure from SNL. In it, Carvey plays private investigator M.L. Pope, who suffers from a rare condition called Korsakov Syndrome, which causes him to lose his memory every night when he falls asleep, a la Drew Barrymore in 51st Aids. Despite bombing h... |
dropout | dangerous_condom_applicator | Roger and I love being intimate, so when the mood strikes, we don't want anything standing in our way. And that includes those tricky, slippery condoms. So that's why we got the Helping Hands condom applicator. Oh wow, that's sturdy. The Helping Hand does all the work for us, so we don't have to worry about losing stea... |
cracked | why_underworld_and_resident_evil_are_the_same_movie_cracked_responds | Because it's still the first term of President Bush, apparently.
You've seen all of them? All of them. A lot? Yeah. And I have seen none of them.
Which makes you an amazing control group for whether this is even a thing. Let's watch Underworld Blood Wars. The frame is 90% darkness. Okay, I was like, yeah, I... You sh... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_vanessa_harding | If you had sex with someone who had the black death, would you have to use a condom for protection? It depends what your major concerns were, but you wouldn't be projecting yourself against infection. How long would you get off work if you got the black death? In about 70% of cases, you'd be off work forever. Oh, right... |
dropout | how_to_beat_a_lie_detector_test_adam_ruins_everything | I don't know any Cormac being in the same room with that guy.
Are you talking at least? That's the problem. You won't stop. And that's why America should convert to the metric system. Also, I didn't kill that guy, so. Yeah, tell it to the lie detector, sicko. Really? You guys still use these? Yeah. You got a problem w... |
cracked | 1_14_08_news_on_cracked_incest_obama_clinton_fake_heart | It's Monday, January 14, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I know what the smoke monster really is. University of Minnesota scientists have grown a functional, beating, bleeding heart in the laboratory. It's undoubtedly a liberal. Am I right? You know I am.
Is Kirk Filch a polarizing News on... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Didn_t_I_Predict_Jeremy_Maclin_Would_Have_A_Huge_Week_Didn_t_I_Fucking_Say_That | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. All the napkins are made of fancy silk and you have nowhere to spit out your gum. You know you've arrived in the Owner's Box.
Today, I want to take a little time out for my normal stat-crunching prognosticat... |
dropout | what_will_kevin_do_for_ricky_s_money_ninja_ | What makes a Ninja Warrior an iron will, lightning-quick reflexes, decades of training? Kevin has none of these, but that hasn't stopped us from bribing him into a one-on-one competition with Ryan Stratis, first lieutenant in the Georgia National Guard and contestant on G4's American Ninja Warrior. The first and most e... |
dropout | we_ruin_your_bar_ke_ha_parody | Drunk, emotional, I'm the type of girl that's horrible Treatin' this sports far like it's a club We do everything that Kesha does Beg you to buy me shots Then brag you did it just cause I'm hot Can't talk about anything but myself And my daddy's extensive wealth LL, LL, getting glitter Everywhere Whoops, I spilled some... |
dropout | your_new_year_s_resolutions_never_change | Baby, I can't wait to show you off to all my friends. They've heard so much about you and I'm so excited for you guys to meet. Oh, me too, honey. And I know that this relationship is new, but I'm so happy that we're together. Aww.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go powder my butt. Be back in a flash. One sec.
She... |
dropout | the_sinister_reason_weed_is_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Listen, Drew Carey, all you adults always tell us the same thing.
Weed's gonna kill us. It's a gateway drug. Vine isn't funny. Oh, no. For most people, weed is essentially harmless. Okay, no way, Jose. Look, I know this stuff is a little overboard, but you can't tell kids weed isn't bad.
Of course I can. It's true. A... |
SaturdayNightLive | bereal_snl | Hey, how are you today? I'm well. here you go. Oh, perfect. you had it waiting for me. So, no, I just wanted to ask you a question.
I'm just going to tell us everything. Okay. and then, um. everybody on the ground!
Oh, no, no, no! you! we need everything from the vault in the bag. do what we say and no one else to ge... |
dropout | hardly_working_casual_friday | Did you know jet skis kill like 3,000 manatees a year?
Worth it. Nice.
Whoa, whoa, that is not work appropriate attire, you guys. What? No, this, I mean...
Emily, you're wearing Bermuda shorts, and Owen's wearing Bermuda shorts. Breezy. He had Muggy in the groin.
Well, they're completely inappropriate. Okay, hey, P... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_pulp_fiction | All right, count to three. All right, ready? One, two, three!
Pulp Fiction, this beloved 1994 indie classic, has the perfect combination of humor and violence to keep us watching from start to finish. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch Pulp Fiction forever. John Travolta originally only had one lin... |
cracked | if_you_don_t_watch_this_my_kid_will_starve | What do I have to do to make you love me? Seriously. I mean, we've been doing this week in douchebag everything for a long time now, and the comments on our site are often really positive, you know, like Crazy Cracker, who writes, Fuck all of you, Lex is awesome, we want news on crack five days a week. Or Steve-o-the-i... |
dropout | meet_the_boyfriend_with_neil_flynn | Dad. Hey, stop pacing. You're gonna be great.
What if he doesn't like me? I've never met a daughter's boyfriend before.
Oh, it'll be fine. Trust me. That's him. Is this shirt okay? Yes, Dad.
You look very handsome. Mason, Clark. So nice to finally meet you. Ashley has told me so much about you. This is the father yo... |
dropout | new_year_s_eve | Oh my god, it's 1158. Two minutes until New Year's and I still don't have anyone to kiss. Alright, options.
No.
All these people are already paired up. How's that even possible? I shouldn't have spent the last two hours doing Sudokus on the toilet. Alright, who's left? She's pretty good. A little worse. Not getting a... |
dropout | camp_let_s_do_meth | Cheers to camp, baby! Hey dude, last night at camp, it's our chance to get with Milana. There's no chance.
She's so beautiful. She's perfect, dude. I saw her loaves!
She digs you, man. No way, she digs you. No, she doesn't dig me, man.
I'm a fat fucking loser. Well, I'm a little bird boy. Don't say that. Oh god, I'm... |
cracked | the_nintendo_switch_is_good_zelda_is_spectacular | Hey everyone, we have a Nintendo switch and I'm we're gonna someone's gonna play it for the first time I have not played a video game in like real talk 15 years Adam You're gonna be our guru that yeah gonna be my guide I've played about 10 hours of the new Zelda and have read all the reviews that say it's the best game... |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Michelle_Obama_s_2016_DNC_Speech | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome First Lady Michelle Obama. Because in this election, there is only one person who I believe is truly qualified to be President of the United States, and that is our friend Hillary Clinton. What I admire most about Hillary is that she never buckles under pressure. And Hillary Clinton... |
cracked | the_5_most_ridiculous_bill_o_reilly_moments_cracked_tv | Prepare yourselves, because you've just entered the spin-will-always-be-immediately-murdered zone. With me, as always, is liberal douchebag Clippy. Fuck you, Clippy. And let the gays marry over my raped corpse.
They do that, you know. I'm feeling frisky, and that means today's topic is... When a talk show host invites... |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_marriage_proposal | Tonight's question is, what is the worst marriage proposal? I'm Katie Mervich, and today I am joined by experts Michael Trapp.
That's my name. Caldwell Tanner. My name is that. Grant O'Brien. It's also my name. Grant, please begin.
Absolutely. I'd like to submit as the worst marriage proposal, a flash mob. Yeah.
You... |
dropout | where_sexual_bases_come_from | And that's the third out. Now it's time for This Day in Baseball History. On this day in 1917, legendary shortstop Roscoe McCready joined the New York Yankees, then called the Yankerbockers. McCready, of course, was famous for performing blatant sexual acts on the opposing team during play. He first engaged in a romant... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years | Dude, if this was real life, I would totally kick your ass. Wait, if you were you, or if you were Zengief? No, if I was Zengief. Dude, Zengief's a little bitch.
Look at him. He can't even jump over my arms. Zengief, you dropped that mop in the middle of the floor. I suggest you go pick it up. I can't, Mr. Bloomerfeld.... |
cracked | will_smith_was_almost_neo_in_the_matrix_and_val_kilmer_was_almost_morpheus | You'd be surprised how a nice pair of edible panties can make a guy feel sexy. Show me.
Although it's nearly impossible to imagine Neo from The Matrix portrayed by anybody other than the immortal, ageless deity known as Keanu Reeves, he was not the Wachowski's first choice to play the now iconic pale hacker boy. Origi... |
TheOnion | Meet_The_Person_Who_Had_Surgery_To_Look_Like_A_Reptile_But_Stopped_Short_Of_Anything_Really_Cool | Burn Barcelona to the ground!
Spiky as fuck. One man has taken plastic surgery to the extreme and transformed his entire face to look like a reptile's. What would possess someone to do this but not go even further? What's in the head of someone who goes full on lizard from the neck up but leaves the remaining 90% of h... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Nations_Women_Urged_to_Avoid_Men_Who_Wear_Three_Kinds_of_Shoes_Veteran_s_Severe_PTSD_And_Lack_Of_ | Hello and welcome to the Weekly Petuda News Bulletin, my name is Wendell Hussey. You will notice that Clancy Overill is not leading us off today, himself and Errol Parker are away on urgent newspaper business, sorting out some funding and some grants from various bodies at the moment. Lots of smoothing going on. Yeah, ... |
cracked | the_5_craziest_reactions_to_the_original_star_wars_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you've probably heard of a series of mostly independent films called Star Wars. If you haven't, just look up from your computer for a second in literally any direction. Those of you who ... |
SaturdayNightLive | cheney_interview_cold_open_saturday_night_live | The following is an Abc News Special Vice President Dick Cheney. The final interview here is Diane Sawyer. Good Evening. I'm Diane Sawyer tonight. We are honored to have as our guest, Outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney, who has agreed to sit down with us for his last official interview. Mr. Vice President, Thank you f... |
cracked | the_ultimate_fan_theory_that_fixes_all_of_star_wars_cracked_responds | Hey buddy!
You're a big Star Wars fan. You've got a show that you do for us called Better Way to Watch. One of those episodes is about how if you watch the prequels and you think that Padme and Obi-Wan are having an affair, it's way better. It is. I'm always interested in those kinds of things, especially for Star War... |
SaturdayNightLive | waffle_house_snl | Hey, I'll catch up with you guys later, all right? Thanks. Hey, Casey, what are you doing here? I know you and the guys usually hang out at Waffle House after the game, so I just figured you'd be here. I have something I need to tell you. What's up? I'm not going to stay next year. Hey! What?
We had a plan. we were bo... |
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