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ClickHole | this_woman_answers_the_question_every_man_wants_to_know | There is no English authority on this question, and indeed we have been referred to none from any common law jurisdiction.
In an earlier hearing of that case, Justice Scott Baker had been, quote, of the view that software probably is goods within the act. Programs are, as has been pointed out, of necessity contained i... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gov_schwarzenegger_saturday_night_live | Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out on the Roman Polanski case this week, saying that he should be treated like everyone else and does not do any special status. here. now with a comment, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hello. hello, Governor. good to be here. Well, we thank you for coming. I'm always happy to be ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_245_Tim_Abbott | There's a lot going on culturally in Australia, more so Sydney more than anything right now. All the winter codes are about to begin. You've got stadium after stadium being built. You've got another state election down there, likely over stadiums again, are they talking stadiums this time? This is the last weekend in M... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_bathroom_attendant | Before we go in. Ray and Caroline.
Awesome. Alright. Whoa. What the fuck?
Who are you? I'm the bathroom attendant here. Why have we never seen you before? I work nice. Nobody's here.
Yeah, funny story. I used to work days, but I tried to make a couple extra bucks doing a little glory hole gig out of here and everyon... |
dropout | best_friends_in_rom_coms_are_all_alcoholics | Do you know who just dumped me? Out of nowhere. And one day we're talking about getting a starter dog, then he breaks up with me. He just out of nowhere?
Siobhan, listen. We are putting down our work.
I am getting us a bottle of wine and you and I are getting drunk, okay? Are you sure you have that review later? Scre... |
dropout | camp_boys_vs_girls | Way to go, girls. OK, girls, huddle up. Marcy, you've got to start making some saves. And Luisa, stop getting scared of the ball out there. But they kick so hard.
Well, do we want to win or do we want to lose? We don't want to do either. We're scared and we want to go home.
Yeah, this is like way too hard. Dammit, la... |
dropout | this_rapper_is_revolutionizing_ad_libs | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode. We hope you like it Creativity can come from anywhere. It's people that try to rank it label it Qualify it what's real art and what's not? What is it that y... |
dropout | jurassic_park_character_s_awful_realization | What do we do? Just keep calm Lex. She can't see us gonna move. Alan, we have to get these children to safety. Mr. Janero, take this flare and distract the T-Rex. What?
That's suicide. Nothing's gonna happen to you. I promise. Wait, wait a minute. I'm only here to die, aren't I? Of course not. You're a very important ... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_santa_clause_movies | I can feel the Santa power coursing through my veins. It's like eggnog. Yeah, it's not going to work, string bean. What do you mean? I put on the coat. Fair as fair. Nope. We added a new clause. Now you have to recap the entire Santa Claus movie timeline to truly become Santa. Well, it is Christmas and I'm feeling joll... |
CrackerMilk | our_honest_thoughts_on_cyberpunk_2077_ft_noodle | hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk shut the fuck up that's my that's my time i get one moment and you don't get to take well i mean punch him in the head well we're joined again by some fucking nosy cunt noodle an... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cup_noodles_breakfast_flavor_89_year_old_named_oldest_surfer_snl | Apple has launched a new feature called pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks and this is also launched. My new favorite insult yo Mama's so poor She put candy Crush on layaway after a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River. Philadelphia officials say the city's drinki... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_two_worlds_collide_ft_reba_mcentire_snl | Oh! spent a long time comin'! two of the world's greatest! America's sweetheart, Miss Reba Mcentire! how you doin', Andy? we about to take it to the top! hit him, Reba! haters in my face tryin' to keep me down, but you know we keep on shinin'' Two crazy big stars from opposite worlds about to set this track on fire. Ye... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cj_rossitano_on_winning_the_snl_ticket_lottery_snl | Well, a lot of people ask me how to get tickets for Snl, and one of the ways is through the ticket lottery. Here to comment on his experience, winning a ticket to the show is 18-year-old Cj Ross-atana. fan of the show. in fact, you could say I've always felt strangely drawn to it.
Well, thanks so much for coming. are ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_s_classified_document_scandal_george_santos_lies_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nick... |
cracked | 5_horrifying_realities_behind_the_scenes_of_an_airport | Thank you for flying improbable flying metal tube airlines. I'm sorry to inform you that your flight has been delayed.
No, of course I don't need to check.
Airports exist in some weird parallel world where a stranger fondling your privates is a normal thing to exchange for a chance to hurtle through the sky in a weir... |
cracked | why_you_never_trust_people_with_idea_in_their_job_title | Hey! Sorry, I'm latte. Late. Chris, is that you? What the hell, man?
I forgot that I left my camera on. This is a start half hour ago. Half an hour is just an hour that doubled its productivity. But listen, shut up. I was staying at the Ramada N's Express last night and it hit me.
What is the one thing our business i... |
cracked | why_cats_are_the_worst_type_of_missing_pet | Hey! Hey, buddy. Hey, baby. Hey.
I'm sorry to hear that you think you've lost your pet, but don't fret just yet. Here are some tips to help you out, and there are no more rhymes. There's just not enough amount of minutes for more rhymes.
So, cat, dog, fish, or miscellaneous, here is a guide to guide you through this.... |
TheOnion | CEO_Has_Special_Knack_For_Recognizing_Great_Ideas_And_Ruining_Them | For over 12 years, Halverson Enterprises CEO Peter Weathers has taken a hands-on approach in all aspects of the tech firm's growth and day-to-day business. But employees say the executive's true talent lies in his unique ability to recognize great ideas and then absolutely ruin them. For as long as I've worked here, Pe... |
dropout | hardly_working_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_3 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend. Oh look like a whale Are you embarrassed? Okay, hey everyone look Amir had to go buy me tampons because I'm a grown woman Supers you get you got supers you guys need to give Amir a raise like you guys are like slave guys or something like he Makes peanuts and then like he says all thi... |
cracked | 6_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_cnn_bikini_teacher_report | Welcome to Hate by Numbers, the segment where I show clips and count down the various things that piss me off. Today's clip features Tiffany Shepherd, a Florida high school teacher who claims she was fired for part-timing as a bikini mate on chartered fishing cruises. How would you feel if your kid's biology... tough s... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_beat_em_ups | Welcome to Bleakbloop, College Humor's Weekly Video Game Show. I'm your host, Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with Sarah Schneider and our guest comedians, Kumail Nanjiani and Pete Holmes. I waved at the wrong time.
It's fine. Today we are playing beat-em-ups, perhaps better known as those games where you move from... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Coco | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be talking about Disney Pixar's Coco, a powerful, imaginative story about family and following your dreams, albeit one which unfortunately is completely unbelievable as the protagonist doesn't use his journey to the land of the dead to solve the myster... |
dropout | hardly_working_bathroom_numbers | Number 81. Uh, what? Me too. Just over here taking a nice long numero 81. I think you mean number one. There's only number one and number two. Patrick, you're so wrong. I'm here taking a number 81 right next to you and Kevin's in the handicap stall. Taking a number three. What?
No I'm not! Oh, no. That's disgusting. N... |
SaturdayNightLive | waiters_snl | It's so great to get all the Sibs together, it's like a mini Mason family reunion. Well, hello Manson Family, I hear we're celebrating a reunion tonight.
Oh, it's uh, it's Mason. sorry. we're just not the Manson family. Sorry, sorry, Mr. Mason. Ah, I guess I'm just a little off my game today.
No, no, all good. we're ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | the_betoota_advocate_in_canberra_libspill | Well, the mainstream media didn't think we could do it, but we did it, didn't we, Aaron? We came down, 28 hour drive, and we got here, we covered the spill for everyone. Well, it was a big morning for the Batutah Advocate today. We went around the back of Parliament House there, we were denied entry by the AFP pretty e... |
dropout | nerd_alert_pokemon_black_white | Welcome to NerdAlert, I'm Jeff Rubin here with the editor of Dorkly, Brian Murphy, and actor-comedian Thomas Middleditch. This week, Lucasfilm followed through on threats to start re-releasing the Star Wars movies, all six Star Wars movies, in 3D. They're starting with The Phantom Menace on February 12, 2012. We will b... |
cracked | why_death_is_meaningless_in_star_wars_galactic_war_room | How can I help you? I'm looking for the war room of the entire rebellious uprising. You're in it. Big map's over there.
Perfect. Well, I'll be going now.
Did you get some good shots? You do realize I'm not in the uprising, right? Oh. Then why did you tell me? To be honest, I only got into this line of work for the ac... |
dropout | the_5_stages_of_getting_a_bad_haircut_ch_shorts | So I'm thinking just a trim, really? I want to go shorter on the sides, but leave a lot of the length on top. Okay, yeah, let's do it. It's a little short, right? It's fine.
She knows what she's doing. Does she? She must, right? She cuts hair for a living.
I'm not worried. Okay, because last week you said the guys at... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_6 | and you're the one who wants it. Shaking Amir!
Can you read these text messages? I think it's mixed. Who doesn't want to hear them? I think I'm just going to read them. Defining! I'm going to read them. Okay, but if you read them, then I'll read the ones you sent me.
And this is a one-way street, bro. Two-way street?... |
SaturdayNightLive | verizon_4g_lte_snl | You've been hearing a lot about Verizon's new 4g Lte. you should be. it's Verizon's fastest, most reliable 4g network. with 4g Lte, you'll get speeds up to 10 times faster than 3g. So what does that mean? Well, let's say you've got the new Htc Thunderbolt, or even the Lg Vortex. you can hook up your Htc or your Lg to y... |
TheOnion | Actor_Shows_Incredible_Lack_Of_Commitment_To_Role_By_Staying_Out_Of_Character_Even_During_Takes | The supernatural love story Winter's Tale comes out tomorrow, and Buzz is building for Colin Farrell's performance. Farrell's director and co-stars say the brash Irish actor refused to stay in character even while cameras were rolling. Jamie Ferguson has been following the production since day one. Hi Shane. So, I unde... |
Wizards_with_Guns | homecoming_soldier_surprises_the_wrong_dad | Who's Darn Kids? I'M A HOLE! What the hell?
Who are you? Wait, you're not my dad. No, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong house. Hey! Are you attacking that soldier? No, it's not what it looks like.
Oh, well, I have a package for you. Sign here. Okay.
Actually, I'm normally very supportive of the troops. I would neve... |
cracked | the_conspiracy_behind_dennis_rodman_s_visit_to_north_korea | The internet is all ablaze with talk of Dennis Rodman making an unexpected visit to North Korea. Funny stuff says most news media outlets, but we say something else. Dennis Rodman obviously is a United States spy. That's still hilarious, but it also sounds like something a lunatic would say. So hear me out. For starter... |
dropout | I_Don_t_Have_Fingernails_Because_I_Actually_Know_How_to_Finger_a_Woman_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Am... |
SaturdayNightLive | horror_movie_trailer_snl | I'm gonna get some more popcorn. You want some? Sure.
Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying in political news. President Biden has said he intends to run for re-election in 2024. You trust them. once. I know he's a little old, but he gets to win right? He beat Trump, but can he beat Desantis?
I don't k... |
cracked | why_the_paranormal_activity_family_really_moved_out | Hey, mare bear, did you get my note? What note?
I'm gonna fridge my jam note. Couldn't find a pen so I improv jammed. Anyway, we're out of jam.
Look, he's my brother. I can't just... Whatever, it's fine. Baby, don't be like that. I'm trying to, like, be cute with the camera.
Oh man.
Come on. It's here. Hello? You d... |
dropout | george_r_r_martin_ruins_christmas_hardly_working | All right, everybody. We have a special visitor. He has a bushy white beard, a great big belly, and he comes from a snowy fantasy land. Here he is.
Merry Christmas.
It's like this year old dead fucker. Your old pal George RR is coming to make all your Game of Thrones, which has come true. Oh, fuck. Yeah.
Hello. Hell... |
ClickHole | good_samaritan_man_shouts_sex_talk_to_boy_stuck_at_bottom_of_well | Hey there, buddy, don't worry.
One day you'll find someone who loves you in a special way that no one has before. When you find that person, someone that you trust and fully love, sex can be a beautiful thing. Sex is not just a physical experience, it's also an emotional connection. You need to be aware of both of tho... |
SaturdayNightLive | emma_stone_five_timers_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone! thank you so much. it is so great to be back. it's my fifth time hosting Snl. it's always been my favorite show, and since I started hosting, it's also become just a huge part of my life. And I have made so many memories here, and so many friends, and I even met my husband at Snl. I kn... |
cracked | did_you_know_barbara_walters_boinked_richard_pryor | Did y'all know that Barbara Walters boinked Richard Pryor? I didn't. And it turns out, a lot of people didn't know, until last week, when Joy Behar and Sherri Shepard kind of blew up her spot. But it's not just Barbara. A lot of people don't know that Richard Pryor was kind of sucking and f**king his way through the en... |
TheOnion | Homeless_Man_Describes_Horrors_Of_Sleeping_During_Community_Theater_Production_Of_The_Tempest | Being homeless is a hard life. You're alone at the mercies of the elements. You never know where your next meal is coming from. And then the pre-recorded, royalty-free orchestral music begins to play over the park's shitty audio system, and you know you're about to spend the next three hours in hell. You can't imagine ... |
dropout | our_big_the_dress_sketch | No, but if you, if you like really think about it, a hot dog is the same thing as a hamburger. It's not. I have thought about it.
Hey, sorry I'm late. Just been crazy out there today.
Nice dress, Pat. Blue is my favorite color. But what are you talking about, Murph? That dress is clearly white and these shoes are cle... |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_of_the_office | Does anyone have an older version of AIM? This new one's impossible to navigate. How do I add a buddy?
I just joined the largest group on Facebook. But I'm not really sure if that's true. There's only 30,000 people in it. I'm almost positive there's a bigger one. Oh snap, has anyone seen this 9-11 blog? It means the w... |
cracked | elon_musk_s_time_at_twitter_explained_with_the_titanic | This is an Elon Musk Twitter Timeline analogy. Musk buys the Twitter Tannic for $44 billion and fires its former captains. I'm Elon Musk! A lot of the wealthy people who paid for tickets on the Twitter Tannic say, We have a feeling you're gonna sink the ship, so they leave before it takes off. As soon as they take off,... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Dawn_of_the_Planet_of_the_Apes | We don't mean any harm! They're apes, man. You think they understand what you're saying? Do they look like just apes to you?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the latest installment in the science fiction franchise about the rise of hyper-... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eddie_murphy_on_his_new_apartment_snl | Well, our own Eddie Murphy just moved into his own apartment this past week. Eddie, how does it feel to be out on your own, huh? Brian feels great. he really does. You know, last week I moved into a 10-story high-rise apartment on Long Island. it's the best feeling to where I feel like a grown man now. I'm 20 years old... |
dropout | precious_plum_a_bat_named_dog | My name is Plum, I'm 6 years old, and I'm a pretty quiet mama driving me around a patch. I think I might be giving birth. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum is competing to be America's next top slut one day in the windmill of a mini golf course in Dictown, New Jersey.
And a one and a two and a jump jump split. Oh mam... |
SaturdayNightLive | kerry_campaign_stop_snl | So, in conclusion, let me restate my position. I would like to order one Blt and one Caesar salad with two place settings and a third napkin. I'm John Kerry, and I approve that order.
Oh, Teresa, wasn't I wonderful in the debate? John, the election is in 31 days, and we need to make them love you the way they love me.... |
cracked | 8_times_your_favorite_actors_almost_died_on_film | There's a funny story here where this guy, the one that just kicked her, he wouldn't hit her with the stick, and he didn't want to hit a woman. Now watch this, real, real, and real. Clint shoots, the guy goes, the rope splits, and the horse says, I'm not making movies anymore, and he takes all with me on it. And as the... |
dropout | the_best_of_precious_plum_mama | My name is Plum, and I'm her mama, and you might remember us from the hit reality show Precious Plum, which was a hit. It's been a while since you've seen us, but we's back. That's right, we're here to recap some of the best episodes of our favorite web series.
Hot Ones. No, maybe Precious Plum. I mean, yeah, okay, ou... |
TheOnion | Devoted_Abuser_Stops_By_Girlfriend_s_Office_To_Deliver_Surprise_Threat | After visiting his girlfriend of two years at her workplace to deliver an unexpected threat for Valentine's Day, violent and controlling boyfriend Matthew Straitjens spoke to The Onion about remaining a devoted and committed abuser. On a special day like today, I like doing something extra malicious for Mallory. You kn... |
dropout | she_s_such_a_butterphone_hardly_working | Hey Owen, what's up with you and Christine? Dish daddy. Yeah, we've been hanging out a little bit and I don't know.
She's kind of a butter phone Okay, see it's like this everything should be great. She's smart cute funny, but she has a really old phone Oh, that sucks. Hey, come on guys. Don't be shallow just because a... |
dropout | a_sexy_fire_drill_see_plum_run | So, I'm just making pl- I mean, Plum wants to run for president. I'm gonna be a king! That's right, baby. Just like, um, let me think of a king, um, burger. Plum for president! Make for president! Here you go.
Take a flyer, please. Hey, take a flyer. I said, take a damn flyer!
Oh! Come on, man. Nobody's taking. Don't... |
dropout | Sex_Positive_Slasher | Oh my god like that thing that you did oh that okay all right well that was good yeah totally okay we better get back to the party before anybody notices we are on that's what was that i didn't hear anything somebody's at the door buzz is that you this better not be another practical joke oh my god he's got a knife som... |
TheOnion | Coughlin_Retires_From_Family_To_Spend_More_Time_With_Team | Just a few days into the NFL offseason, we've already got our first coaching shakeup. New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin announced that he's retiring from his family to spend more time with his team. In a short press release earlier today, Coughlin explained that the time constraints imposed by his family were det... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Confused_Nation_Dutton_s_PR_Nightmare_Simply_The_Best_More | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Board, I'm Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. How are we all? Yeah, pretty good. What's up first in the news this week?
Well, we're going to start off with a ... |
cracked | 8_things_that_would_make_the_force_awakens_amazing_stuff_about_star_wars | Hey, you, it's I, me. You love Star Wars, I love Star Wars, let's talk about Star Wars. Which is great, we all love it. And we're gonna get a new Star War every year for the next, every next year, forever. Some will be bad, some will be great, but in our intense culture of fanry and critiquery, you can rest assuredly, ... |
dropout | not_a_dry_dick_in_the_house_the_orgy_gone_wrong_song | It was a beautiful night, everyone agreed All of our friends and I did a party You looked so good by the candlelight This battle always makes the darkness bright It's getting late, almost everyone is left It's just you and me and some of my friends You look at me as you finish your wine Your eyes, they say, are you thi... |
CrackerMilk | when_you_ve_got_post_nut_clarity | Elias! Socks don't go in the dishwasher! What are you doing?
I have milked the evil out of my body. It's popped out of me like a champagne cork. I now see the world for what it truly is.
You nodded again, didn't you? Yes.
Come, brother. Sit beside me and let me enlighten you.
That's gross. Gross is a construct.
Th... |
dropout | God_Does_a_Really_Mean_Impression_of_John_Lithgow_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile ... |
dropout | windows_7_parody | You know what I want? Do you know what I'm looking for? You know what I wish! I'm listening. What do you get? I want more parental control. I wish it was just... Faster. Simple! Did you get all that? I hear you loud and clear.
I wanted to curb my appetite. I wanted to drown out the fighting. I wanted to tell me I'm wo... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_devon_walker_andrew_dismukes_and_james_austin_johnson_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After President Biden's successful meeting with China's President Xi Jinping, reporters asked Biden if he still believed that Xi was a dictator. And I don't know if Biden ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_devon_walker_on_adjusting_to_new_york_city_snl | Season 48 is underway and things are going well. here. to talk about how he's adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker. anytime? Man, so how's this whole experience been for you? you dig in New York? Not really. If I'm being honest, I think New York's a little overrated. Wow, where are you from? I'm from Texas.
... |
SaturdayNightLive | subway_churro_snl | Man, how long's this train gonna take? Psst. yeah, it says the next one arrives in, forget about it.
I love this new Mayor.
I'm starving. yo, newsstand guy. let me get a snickers and a bag of chips. I'll get you the closest thing. an O. Henry bar and a copy of Xl Butts. they still make O. Henry bars? No. and what doe... |
dropout | smoothie_of_death_halloween_edition_live | Mine sounds the worst. Mine already sounds the grossest. Oh, god.
Hello, and welcome to a live version of an extra spooky version of Smoothie of Death. Last week we played a live game show where Zach tried to make us drink soap. So today we're gonna get a little revenge and we're gonna play another round of Smoothie o... |
cracked | how_video_games_create_realism_by_boring_you_to_death_escort_mission | Wait a minute. I know this music. What? No you don't, buddy. Shut up. Come on.
It's just generic video game score. I mean it's not like it would show up on your Shazam or whatever. I would not check Shazam. Shazam?
Nobody's used that app since 2011. Wait. 2011 was something about that year.
I used to be an adventure... |
cracked | 12_27_07_news_on_cracked_fergie_s_engaged_linday_s_sober | It's Thursday, December 27, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I approve this message. And I need a haircut, too.
A suspension bridge collapsed into a river in West Nepal yesterday. Authorities believe that hundreds of people may be injured, but a spokesman for the Nepalese government told th... |
SaturdayNightLive | telenovela_snl | Okay, some really great stuff in there, guys. Francisco, I love it. Oh, thank you.
Now, your line. yeah, what's up? maybe some pronunciation issues there. Oh, that makes sense. I don't speak no Spanish. oh, sorry, you don't speak Spanish? Nah, but I only got one line.
Parfa Kuta after I'm not trying to really but on ... |
TheOnion | United_States_Settles_000000012_Of_China_Debt_With_Autographed_Photo_Of_Jon_Hamm | 57 women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh Fashion Week. A frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a bow lookalike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child's ventilator. And now, for viewers too ignorant to read the words literally printed before their eyes, here is the name of the program. This is The Onion... |
dropout | Webster_s_Adds_New_Word_for_Friend_Zoning_Dermatologist_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_28_03_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batooter Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Hello and welcome to the Batooter Advocates Weekly News Bulletin. My name is Bruce Hitchcock and sitting alongside me to wrap up all the news from the week that was is Wendell Hussey. Yes hello, thanks for tuning in again for your weekly... |
cracked | the_batman_review_aka_the_world_s_most_okay_detective | for a little while no cursing although now jesse's the wrong freaking size jesse loves to go boop boop but he gets big again but then he goes small that goes big that's one thing that we all know that jesse just freaking loves to do jesse just loves to do that all right i was voted most likely to go boop boop boop oh i... |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_did_you_unsubscribe_from_my_onlyfans | Uh, hi? Can I, uh, help you? I- I don't- Oh! Oh my god, you're the- you're the guy- The guy who pees in his own mouth online. Yeah. How- Why are you here? I, uh, I noticed you stopped paying. I- I don't know what you're- To watch me pee into my mouth. Don't- Why did you unsubscribe? From my service?
I- I actually just... |
TheOnion | Men_Fired_In_Wake_Of_MeToo_Come_Forward_About_How_It_Took_Them_Several_Hours_To_Find_New_Jobs | Once the Me Too movement got going, things started changing. I knew I would have to be brave. I started hearing about all these guys losing their jobs, or at least a few guys, one or two. I never thought I'd be put in a position where I was being held accountable for something I did. I thought, that's something that ha... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_paula_deen_on_the_lawsuit_against_her_snl | Well, it's been a tough year for Paula Deen. after admitting to having Type 2 diabetes, the Queen of Comfort Food has been hit with a lawsuit by the General Manager of the restaurant she co-owns with her brother. here to talk about it is Paula Deen. Hi, guys. hi, Saya. doing good. they're all doing good. Now, Paula, so... |
cracked | celebrities_who_were_big_fans_of_their_own_parodies | While spoofing famous people frequently leads to hurt feelings and cease and desist letters, from time to time, the targets of these mockeries surprise us all by embracing their fictional comedic doppelgangers. Like how Arnold Schwarzenegger credited SNL's Hans and Franz with normalizing his accent. I am Hans. And my o... |
dropout | hardly_working_evil_crossword | Jake, let's go. Meeting time.
Nah, I hit up this crossword puzzle instead. You know how I do. Seriously? I'm mad good at crossword puzzles.
Do you want me to apologize? I'll catch you on the flip. Better watch it, Jake. We're gonna make some enemies with an attitude like that. Whatever, mate.
This puzzle's about to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | helga_lately_snl | To Tiddepand E! Sweden, don't network, don't entertainment. Just Helga Lately! Who but don't aren't Target, Target, Fargon, Norkin, Bargain? Here's Helga Handler! There you go. If you close the poll there, Helga Handler, and the whole, the vodka and red balls, there's the whole, the doggy-style sex.
It's just not, it'... |
TheOnion | Green_Lantern_A_Superhero_We_All_Know_And_Love_Says_Studio | Well, the big-budget blockbuster movie based on a comic book character called the Green Lantern finally hits theaters today. Madison Daly has the star fix. Thanks Andrea. According to Warner Brothers, Green Lantern is a superhero with fans around the world who everyone certainly knew about before they saw the movie's t... |
dropout | a_modern_night_before_christmas | T'was the night before Christmas, 2012 and not a creature was sleeping, not even myself. Amazon boxes were piled haphazardly in the hopes that someone might wrap them eventually. I was up drinking dad's booze getting soused watching reruns of Seinfeld with sis on the couch. While up in the kitchen, mom stressed and pul... |
SaturdayNightLive | chris_parnell_sings_to_demi_moore_saturday_night_live | And now, here with a very special report is our own Chris Parnell.
Well, when I heard that Ashton Kutcher was going to be hosting the show this week, I was pretty excited. he's a funny guy, a talented actor, and a pleasure to work with. But to be honest, I was even more excited that it probably meant I'd be meeting hi... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_facebook_reinstated_george_santos_admits_to_dressing_in_drag_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump's account, but this time they'll put guardrails in place to keep him under control, which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park. Also, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | sci_fi_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | The year 2014 is a time of turmoil for America. comfortably serving his second term, President Barack Obama no longer hides his socialist agenda. the unemployment rates skyrocket, and foreign armies gather their forces for an attack. chaos reigns. But from the darkness, a visionary emerges and leads a group of pioneers... |
dropout | sports_drink_or_body_wash_live | Hello and welcome to Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live. This is a special live edition of this game, we're using YouTube Live right now, this is a little bit of an experiment, so bear with us. These are the lucky contestants of the game. Are you guys ready to play Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live? Let's do it! Okay, so how it's... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_163_Anthony_Albanese | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live here from downtown Petuta. Now today's guest is one that a lot of people will be tuning in to listen to. So I will start the show by reminding everyone of our... |
ClickHole | learn_attack_could_humans_one_day_die_on_mars | Mars, the Big Apple. For millennia, Americans have dreamed of colonizing the fourth rock from the sun. But could we actually live there?
Time to mainline the facts with me, right now, on Learn Attack!
Mars is like Earth in some ways, and very different in others. It has a color scientists call red, which is actually ... |
SaturdayNightLive | el_shrinko_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement. Oh, hello.
I'm Arthur Perkins. does this always happen to you? we can't have sex. it's too big. Arthur, your penis is Huge. I hate that. Arthur Perkins, your penis is just too big. I used to deal with that all the time. girls were constantly telling me it was too big. Yeah, and I... |
TheOnion | Dr_Sex_Sex_House_Ep_6 | Welcome to Sex House! This is Filan getting out of control now. We had to move the rotting bananas to the kitchen, and we lost one of the bedrooms to the mold. We had a house meeting to make a list of demands. The bananas are now rotting and attracting flies. There's so many flies.
They straight get in my mouth. Can y... |
cracked | modern_video_games_should_rip_off_these_classic_mechanics_feat_hard_drive_yboc | Hello there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan and I'm a doctor did I leave the zoom on I'm dr Jeremy from hard drive hospital and my specialty is video game fan rage That is not a real. There's a crisis going on and the gamers. They're upset. Okay. Well, I was going is I'm using this microscope to find the flaws and this games mec... |
dropout | hardly_working_high_school_dance | Hey, have you guys ever farted so hard you bled out your eyes? Jesus Christ.
Man, guys, we have fun, don't we? I can't believe it's been exactly 10 years since we all met at that high school dance. A decade of decadence. Huzzah!
You were such a nerd in high school. We all called you Dan nerd. OK, well, what about you... |
TheOnion | christian_charity_helps_to_feed_non_gay_hungry | In regions racked with drought and famine, American charitable aid groups can mean the difference between life and death. One such organization is the Colorado-based Evangelical Covenant Church's God's Hands program. So far, this group has donated over $900,000 to help sub-Saharan Africans. Joining us now is God's Hand... |
dropout | it_s_hard_to_make_friends_as_an_adult | Emily? You must be Si. Thanks for meeting me. You look different from your profile picture. Yeah, well, you know I was fully nude. Hi. Who are you? Oh, this is my boyfriend.
Oh no, is this like a weird sex experiment? No, no, no. No, no. We just want to be your friend. This whole date was just a means to entrap you. Y... |
dropout | how_far_would_you_go_for_science | Hi there, I'm Premier Online Content Goblin Jake Young, and this is What the Facts, our companion show to the disgusting and fascinating animated series, WTF 101. This week's episode, we're covering the topic of self-experimentation and kind of trying to discover where the line is between gaining knowledge and destroyi... |
programmersarealsohuman | using_the_internet_for_the_1st_time_recipe_websites | So this week I'm trying to plan the look and feel of the application since command line applications are not really hitting users emotions anymore I'm trying to think of something with a funky graphical user interface the gurus call this UI or UX or HX I don't know the difference between any of them, but apparently we ... |
SaturdayNightLive | fernando_and_100_stars_saturday_night_live | Saludos, my friends, it is. I, Fernando, standing outside Historic Radio City Music Hall where tomorrow night, the night of 100 Stars is going to take place. it is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I'm crazy going nuts. I'm standing in a great cashmere coat and a towel as the red buttons gave to me. and we are going... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_bloater_brothers_in_customs_saturday_night_live | Okay, okay people, please make sure you have your photos and you have your tickets and your Ids. So I understand you two were trying to go to Scottsdale and you have no identification. You don't recognize this.
I'm Tom Cruise and this is Brad Pitt. Yeah, and this is the Pit. so we're gonna Cruise. Can you please state... |
SaturdayNightLive | hot_sauce_carry_purse_saturday_night_live | Honey, they're ready. All right, you want the burger? I do. Oh, me too. you have no idea how much Reggie loves his burgers. Hey, just set me up and clear the way. where your hot sauce? Oh, hot sauce? gosh, I don't know. I think we have some salsa in the refrigerator. you ain't got no hot sauce. Debbie, baby, you hear t... |
dropout | girls_vans_and_dinosaur_rides_in_the_future | Okay, David. You can do this. Ah! David, don't freak out. I'm you. From the future. I came here to tell you not to marry Lisa.
What? Why not?
You know how she's a total bridezilla now? Uh, yes. Turns out she's more of a life in general, Zilla. She's mean, she doesn't respect you, and she keeps you from achieving your... |
cracked | how_you_re_about_to_lose_your_reproductive_rights | Hi again, it's me again. Cracked writer performer Katie Stoll, again.
I'm not sure if you've heard, but things have been a little crazy here in America lately. Carrie Fisher died. Russia hacked our election. Donald Trump was elected president and millions of people worldwide marched in protest of his inauguration. A T... |
TheOnion | nascar_coach_reveals_winning_strategy_drive_fast | NASCAR fans across the country are gearing up for tomorrow's Sears Classic 500, one of the biggest racing events of the year. Here to talk about some of the strategies we'll see in the race is legendary NASCAR coach Dan Ayman. Mr. Ayman, let me just say it's an honor to be speaking with you. Rarely do you get a chance ... |
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