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No, no! - What are you doing? - No! No, no! If you take him away, he will probably die! Chairman! No, Chairman! - Calm down, Madam. - Chairman! Nurse Jeong, you have worked hard lately. You should take some time off. I'm going to call the police. Because if something happens to the Chairman, you're a murderer. This time you want to put me away for murder? What do you mean by that? Do you know how I feel right now? Like I just got bitten by my supposedly tame dog. It should be happy just eating what it is given. How dare it try to bite its owner? Where did you hide the money you stole from me? If you want to talk about money, ask the Chairman. Stop treating me like a dog! I... gave birth to your father's son! So, for the sake of your child, you shouldn't be provoking me. You... Why don't you go and see? He's probably not dead yet. Jun, Jun! Jun! Jun, Jun!
Jun! Who do you think will be next? Where is my money? What have you done with my Jun? Han Tae Jun, Han Tae Jun! President. Find him immediately! Mom. Mom. He'll come. He won't. He'll come. He won't. You've also suffered a lot, go get some rest. You should also say a few words. You need to send him on his final journey properly, so he won't do evil things. Just hurry and say something so we can send him off. Dad's not coming back anymore, is he? What? It really is... over, right? Here, you can see that and still don't know? You must've been really great! See how horrible you were, for your own child to say something like that? Even I am too afraid to sleep because you might come in my dreams! I'm afraid I will see you again after I die! So I'm going to live here forever, at least a thousand years! From now on, today is your birthday and my birthday. Now that your terrible father is gone, we can start a new life. Lift your glass. Come on!
I heard Lee Tae Su was executed yesterday. It's good that he's dead. That's his daughter, right? How could someone with a child bring himself to kill someone else's child? He must not be afraid of retribution. That's good. Eat, eat this. Eat this so you can grow up quickly and go earn us some money. Now you won't have to keep changing schools to hide from your father. So settle down and study hard. Say something! Don't just keep mumbling at me. I could have just abandoned you somewhere, but I worked hard to raise you. If it hadn't been for you, I would have been able to hide somewhere and not spend my life getting beaten all the time. Slow down. Leave me alone! I can't believe she has the nerve to come out. I know. Who would? Oh my god, how can she be so shameless? What are you looking at? Is this a show? Haven't you read the newspaper? That famous killer is dead! Haven't you all said enough? Mom. Don't pay any attention to them. Did you kill him? Did I kill him?
4 times 9 is 36. 4 times 8 is 32. 4 times 7 is 28. 4 times 6 is 24... 4 times 5 is 20. 4 times 4... So this is what you look like. Don't go. I didn't mean to bother you. Do you live around here? I live in this neighborhood, too. Pretty amazing. -=Lee Su Yeon=- My name is Han Jeong Wu and I'm 15. You, by any chance... are you mute? Then? You... don't know me? I thought you lived in this neighborhood. Then, should I know you? Are you famous? Have you been on TV? Are you a celebrity? What is it? What is it? I just drink a little bit. I don't want to hear it, just go! I'm not even drunk. I told you not to drink so much. I just drank a little. Why don't you go live in a bottle? You're such a bad wife, actually hitting a man.
Walk carefully. I'm not drunk. Red uniform! Famous girl! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! What is it? I can't stand not knowing. Who are you? You're still not talking. Then... should I try to guess? It's cold! What are you doing? Come here. You're getting soaked in the rain. Hurry, come here. Wait a minute. Hey, hey! Oh, it's cold! Mom, there's a weird kid. He said he lives around here, but I don't know him. He keeps talking to me. "Lee Su Yeon." He called me by my name. He didn't call me Number 27, but Lee Su Yeon. I'm telling you, he called me by my name. He said his name is Han Jeong Wu. Han Jeong Wu. You're noisy! It's here!
You can use this to get home. It's raining, so use this so you don't get wet. But you're getting drenched. It's okay, I'm already wet. I'm not afraid of a little rain. Here. Thank you. I'll return it tomorrow. What? I said I'll return it to you tomorrow. Tomorrow, you'll come back again? I have to return your umbrella. It's really not so bad now that I'm already wet. I'm going! Hey. Oh? Why? What's with you? What? Have you been drinking? You're talking nonstop so early in the morning. Where are you going? I'm going to meet a friend. Where do you have a friend? Just someone I know. I'll be back. Since she hardly eats any meat, I wonder if she's lost her mind? Come back early! Hey. Are you hurt? Are you all alone?
There's no adult around? We've looked everywhere. With all the rain last night, we haven't been able to find a trace of him. So? We will keep looking. What should we do about the woman? I hear she keeps asking about the boy. Tell her the boy gets returned in exchange for the stolen money. So bring him back, even if it's a dead body. Yes, Dr. Gim. What? I understand. We need to keep things low-key, so it might be better to do it here. Oppa. (oppa - older brother, boyfriend) I'll be back soon. Just play with your bear. I don't want to, I want to go with you. You can't today. I thought you said you came home to see your father. Where are you going? I have to return this to someone. Father hasn't come back yet, right? No, your father hasn't come back yet. But your grandfather has just passed away. What? Why do you look so shocked? You've never even met your grandfather. Ah Reum, play with your bear for a while. Okay.
Jeong Wu. Han. Jeong. Wu. He'll come. He won't come. He'll come. He won't come. What did I tell you? I told you that woman won't talk easily. Do you want me to go see her? Another woman might be able to persuade her. Don't worry about things here. Honey, don't stress yourself. Didn't you say that my father had collapsed? Why isn't he in the hospital? You can't leave since you're the chief mourner. Get back inside. Mom will be there in a minute, too. When my father's not around, could you just drop the 'mom' thing? Where is my father? That person... isn't around right now. That's why I'm asking you what the reason is. Do you really not know? You saw him at the prison. Why do you think he went in there? It was just to protect his money. Money. That's the only thing your father knows. Don't talk about my father like that.
I'm only answering your question. Why are you getting angry? This is the reason I never tell you anything. Also, if you don't want to hear that word 'mom', just go back to America. I don't like having you around, either. You don't even seem surprised. Until his last breath, Father was looking for you. You must not understand the situation now. There's no one here for you anymore. Do you want to spend the rest of your life rotting away in here? Don't you want to see your son? No matter how much you hated your father, if you actually came running here instead of attending his wake, you must be feeling pretty desperate. My Jun... you don't know where he is, do you? If you want money, Han Tae Jun, then just bring me my child. I thought I told you not to make me angry. Those kinds of threats don't work with me. Then there's no other way. If I can't have that money, no one else will, either. Han Tae Jun, the Chairman gave it to me! I didn't steal it! The Chairman gave it to me, because he knew what a cruel bastard you are. He gave it to me to protect my Jun. If anything happens to my Jun, you'll never see a penny of that money. President. That kid has it. Do whatever it takes to find him. I understand. This patient needs a change of clothing. Would you step out for a moment?
How is Jun? Jun... is with me. He injured his leg. I did what I could, but... Is he still alive? Yes, but... I really don't know what to do on my own. Shouldn't we just give him the money? The Chairman, he passed away. Now, the only thing we can trust... is that money. If that money gets taken from us, then Han Tae Jun will kill me, Jun, and even you. We'll all be dead. What can we do? Just do what I told you. What can I... How can I...? Han Tae Jun's son... take him. President. Clean it up. Don't ever act on your own accord again, without my permission. What? In other words, don't act on your feelings like skipping out on school and flying here. I'm sorry. I only forgive once. Keep that in mind. Yes, Father. Is there a problem? No. It's fine now that I've seen you. Can I still come home during school vacation?
If you don't want to go back, then don't. What? Can I really do that? I'm not the same as your grandfather. I don't trust the other people around me. My son, Han Jeong Wu... you're the only one I trust. You should understand, it is your good fortune to be my son. Don't disappoint me. Hey, little kid, are you asleep? Are you very sick? Are you okay? If you can, at least look at me. Little kid, if you're not asleep, look at me. You're awake after all. Have you eaten? What are you doing? Eonni, there's a little kid in there alone. (eonni - older sister or friend) You should mind your own business. It seems like that kid's in a lot of pain. Why can't we reopen the investigation? It's all over, so why dig it up again? But you said the real murderer has confessed to the crime. I'm the one who arrested him, I can't just bury this! From here on out, If I made the mistake, I will take responsibility for it. Do you think it will be over just because you take responsibility? When it will surely become a huge issue in the media? Do you really want to see it torn apart in the news? We can handle this case quietly and wrap it up properly. I want to at least notify the victim's and the perpetrator's families. What if someone opens their mouth?
Do you think I'm doing this just for myself? Lee Tae Su had a long history of prior convictions. If you have enough time to feel sorry for someone like that, then go spend it solving one of your other cases. Captain! Bury it. Be careful what you say and don't embarrass the department. Are you... looking for someone? Do you happen to know Lee Su Yeon? Who? Who is Lee Su Yeon? She's Number 27. What? Isn't that Number 27 even going to change schools? What is it? Why aren't you going in? It's because of Number 27. That Number 27 is really shameless. - Can't you just make her change schools? - She's too scary. I get teased for going to the same school as a murderer's daughter. They say she will want to kill us. I told you all not to be like this. And besides, why are you calling her Number 27? Get in there! I don't even want to say her name. She has a knife in there. What if she stabs me? Teacher, I have a stomachache. I'm going to the nurse. Fine, go rest.
All of you guys go inside. It's curry, it's curry! Han Jeong Wu... Where in the United States are you from? I want to go study abroad, too. I heard the exams there are really hard. I heard that kids there are super bad at math. Were you really popular there? Have you traveled a lot overseas? I really want to go too. I'm so jealous. Are all the kids in America as good-looking as you? Number 27's father was a murderer. He killed 2 people. Yeah, I think she's so scary. She helped her father hide so he could escape. The people in this neighborhood could have been killed because of her. I know, you should be careful of her. Where are you going? How does he know Number 27? But he is really cute. What's going on? You were trying to kill us out there. My shoulder nearly got dislocated. Hey, who said you could stare at us? I don't want to fight. Just say it with words. What can we do? We don't speak English. In the future, you'd better behave yourself. You asshole!
What's this? Sorry. I have to clean up. Just stay where you are. If you don't fight back, they'll lose interest. Will you help me? Are you crazy? This is crappy. Just watch yourself. Are you okay? Why are you stopping so soon? It was just getting to be fun! How do you feel now? It hurts, it hurts! Han Jeong Wu. I... It wasn't me. I'm... not going to... kill anyone. Take this with you. Your injuries will hurt more if you get wet in the rain. - Han Jeong Wu. - You... Why are you doing this to me? Why do you keep doing this to me? Since I pretended not to know you, you should take the hint and go away! I wanted to return your umbrella, so now it's done! Because of me, you got all wet. I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm not crying because I'm sad.
It's because of the wind... making my eyes water. Han Jeong Wu... It wasn't me. I'm... not going to... kill anyone. I'm not crying because I'm sad. It's because of the wind... making my eyes water. Red uniform! Famous girl! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Take this with you. Your injuries will hurt more if you get wet in the rain. But you're getting drenched. It's okay, I'm already wet. I'm not afraid of a little rain. Jun, please! If you go outside and get caught, you're finished! Don't you want to see your mom? Please! Please! Who are you? Close that window! Hey, what are you doing? Mom. This child... You have an umbrella, but you're walking around in the rain like a mad dog. Aigoo. (aigoo - oh dear, oh my god) What is this?
No, Mom. Property of the most famous kid in the neighborhood, Lee Su Yeon. You're really great. Why didn't you just write your father's name on here, too? Being famous must make you happy. No, Mom, you can't take it! Give it back to me! Give it back to me. I don't want to get wet. Red uniform! Famous girl! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Excuse me, would you happen to know where Lee Su Yeon lives? I don't know. I heard she's famous in this neighborhood. Well, her dad... I told you I don't know. Ajumma! (ajumma - older lady, aunt) To Han Jeong Wu. Although I'm not going to give you this letter, I still wanted to thank you. If I wasn't a murderer's daughter, maybe we could have been friends. -=murderer's daughter=- Hey, let's eat. Mom! This room is the size of a sesame seed. Does that have to be open while we eat? Put it away!
How am I supposed to live everyday? Let go of me and talk! All of you are going too far! Please! What is it that you want from me? How much longer will you do this? Just stop doing this now! Let's just forget it! Let go of me! Did I kill your husband? Did I kill your child? The killer went to prison. He got the death penalty and that should be enough! What more do you want from me? Your child is still alive and well. Is my child? Bring me my child. Give my child back to me. Take her! Kill her or let her live. Do whatever you want! Mom, Mom! Kill her! If it will make you feel avenged, then go ahead! Mom, Mom! Die! She says you have to die for this to end! Do you know what your husband did? Do you know what he did to my husband and my son? I was wrong, I was wrong.
I was wrong. What have you done wrong? Why should you beg forgiveness? What's the point in us living like this? Fine, the two of us will just die today! Let's die! The criminal is dead, but we're the ones being punished! Dying is better than living like this! Let's die! Let's die together! Why shouldn't we just die? I don't want to, I don't want to! Su Yeon. Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su-- Lee Su Yeon! Lee Su Yeon! I found you. Is hiding your face enough? Is hiding your foot enough? Flower print dress. Famous girl. Lee Su Yeon. Lee Su Yeon. Murderer's daughter, Lee Su Yeon. Let's be friends.
-=Next Episode Preview=- I heard that if you kiss during the first snowfall, you will fall in love. Have you ever tried it? I won't ever pretend not to see you again. I'm sorry. Call the police, hurry! You don't think I could do it? If I don't leave this place right now, Jeong Wu will die! What else can we do? All bad memories are erased. Now you can make new ones, good memories. You must take Han Tae Jun's son. No! I'm just going to wait today. Just today. Just for today... Be with me. I'm about to go crazy. Gossip Girl here, your one and only source, into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite. Dan's serial is continuing in Vanity Fair. Dan, we had a deal! Vanity Fair is the big time. And the more readers I have the more power I have. It's that simple. Dan wrote the truth. We are together. And I want you, by my side, here, and at the gallery opening. Are you Dan Humphrey? I am.
I read your piece in "The Spectator" today. Can I buy you a drink? Absolutely. Did this really happen? You and Serena? Every dirty detail, exactly as it occurred. She said she erased it, but did you actually see her do it? What is wrong with you? You had someone who loved you unconditionally, and you threw that all away to let Chuck Bass decide when he's ready for you? I just have a few questions about a weekend you spent with Bart in Dubai about four years ago. Dave drove Bart to meet someone named lady Alexander. I don't know who she is or even where to start looking for her. We will find her. And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl. Extra, extra, read all about it... the latest upper east sider to take center stage in the social spotlight. But you know what they say? If you can't take the heat, then move to Hell's Kitchen. "Nate Archibald has the opposite of the Midas touch. Instead of everything he touches turning to gold, he turns all the gold he's been given to dust." Your friend's poor, right? I mean, he's probably just jealous. Oh, first of all, Dan screwed me over by selling the serialization of his new book right out from under me, and then he releases the chapter about me. You look really hot in the picture. Who cares what it says? He's saying that I'm single-handedly destroying "The Spectator." Okay, enough.
This Dan guy is full of it. No, actually, if he was making stuff up, you know, I'd be mad, but I'd get over it. Thing is, he's right. "The Spectator" is in serious financial trouble, and it's all my fault. It's why I'm meeting with the bank later today to hopefully extend our credit line. Can I help? Please. I am dying for an excuse to skip brunch with my dad and Serena Van Der Floozy. No, that's nice, but you should go to brunch, and you should be nice to Serena, all right? She's the one who convinced your dad to let us keep dating, all right? Give her a chance. Your article on Nate is generating major online buzz. Huffpo has a link on their main page, and Dwight Garner just tweeted about it, saying that he's halfway through and doesn't hate it yet. Even "Gossip Girl" gave us a nice plug. Overall, the reaction's been positive... for you, that is. Not for Nate. Are they talking about how the use of real names makes this my "In cold blood"? I mean, do they like the writing? Are they making any comparisons to historical literary figures? Perez Hilton. But the important thing is that they're talking about it. Literary celebrity is fleeting. We have to make the most of it. Trust me. I have been. I am not talking about trolling for lit groupies at McNally's and sleeping with your coffee dates. Well, that's how I'm finding a bed to sleep in every night. Look, being a writer in 2012 isn't merely about the words that you write. It's about your image. So from now on, you're only going to be seen with girls who have Ivy League pedigrees, or, at the very least, Vassar.
She needs to have cover girl looks and at least three mentions in "Page Six" in the last six months. How exactly am I gonna do that? I've already set up the interviews. This is the guy my daughter's dating? Have you read this article on Nate? Oh, I'm not a fan of the author's previous work. Well, let me summarize for you. His last girlfriend was a madam. Before that, he dated con artists with an "S" because, yes, there was more than one. Your friend Dan wrote all this? Dan Humphrey's a douche. Well, you can forget about dating the guy in this article ever again. That's fine by me. Nate is nothing like the guy in that article. Well, I don't know what Dan wrote, but I can vouch for Nate. He's kind and honest and a good friend. And... and he cares about Sage a lot. You should get to know him before you judge him. Or at least before you hit him again. Dad, can he come to the horse show with us? This afternoon? No, that's always been our thing. Oh, come on. You hate it, and you know it. It'll give you someone to talk about football with instead. Nate loves football. See? Look, we're already finding things to bond over.
Oh, I guess he can join us. It'll give me a chance to talk to him. Possibly threaten his life. I'll see if he can come. Thanks, dad. You, too, Serena. Did you see that? She almost smiled at me. Hmm. And don't worry about Nate. You'll really like him. He's the best. Well, you would know. When were you gonna tell me you've had sex with my daughter's boyfriend? Okay. This is definitely a... a fire hazard. I think it's time to unpack the boxes Lily sent over. Sorry, I've been so busy with this new gallery opening. I'm actually headed over there now. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you're using the gallery as an excuse to avoid going through your old life. Oh, that's ridiculous. Is it? These boxes are full of stuff from your time with Lily, and I can see how revisiting those memories could be difficult. Look, let me help. I will unpack the boxes, and when you come back, they'll be gone. That would be nice. Keep the things that we can use around the loft and just throw everything else out. Gosh. "May 17, 2008. Dear Rufus, last night was the best night of my life"
It's kind of a big deal not to mention. I wasn't trying to hide my past with Nate. I swear it was a long time ago. We're just friends now, and besides, when is something like that supposed to come up? I don't know. Maybe the second he started dating my daughter? Sage knows, and she doesn't care. I don't see what the big deal is. I don't know everyone that you've been with. You're right. We both have pasts, but mine's not about to be chronicled in a magazine. There's bound to be a Serena chapter soon, right? Maybe it's time we have the conversation... Discuss everyone we've been wit to avoid any more embarrassing surprises in print or at parties. Everyone? Well, within reason. Second base and beyond. Kissing doesn't count. I think it's a great idea. I just have to run an errand first. When you get back then. That Eleanor again? Debriefing my mother on Waldorf Designs can wait. She knows I have no buyers, and she's just calling to yell at me. Besides, I have much more pressing business to attend to, like finding Lady Alexander, whoever and wherever she may be. Now I've gone through the peerage registries of all the royals in Western Europe, and the closest I could find was a Lady Alexandria of Lisbon, but she died 50 years ago in a Portuguese mental hospital. I am starting to think my father had his bodyguard feed us bad intel. That is in Bart's playbook, but I'm having one of those psychic hunches I get, like when I predicted tom and Katie wouldn't last. You didn't have to be psychic to call that one. I know this may be a little crazy.
My mother has a friend called Lady Vaughn, only "Lady" isn't her title. It's her name. She literally changed it to sound more important so she could sit on the boards of all the big museums, and it worked. Maybe Lady Alexander did the same. There she is. Lady Alexander. But it says she's not on the board. It's a portrait in a private showing. By the artist Brian Batt. I know him! I mean, I... I know his work. He has a studio downtown. I always wanted to commission a portrait of you. Hmm. What's wrong? The eggs overcooked again? No. Well, actually, yes, but that's not what's so upsetting. Eric just texted me from Sarah Lawrence telling me I was on "Gossip Girl". This is about our wedding? No, the night before, when I slept with Rufus. That's old news. I have no idea why I'm suddenly on the radar of this childish blog. I think it's fairly obvious what kind of child would be putting out such stories. Charles? No, he would never. He shipped a woman in from Dubai to drive a wedge in between us. I'm sorry he keeps dragging you into our fight. Well, maybe that's why he hasn't returned my calls.
I'll take care of it. Okay. I love how you combine the classic portraiture with pop culture, but we really came to see your portrait of Lady Alexander. Friends of ours saw it in your private show at the MET, and they suggest we mimic the style. I wanna do the exact same pose. I think you've got the wrong guy. I don't do that sort of thing. Obviously, we wouldn't want to compromise your artistic integrity by recreating someone else's pose. Unless it's okay with her. And we tripled your fee. I don't mind calling Lady Alexander myself. See, I generally don't take no for an answer. So if you'd simply provide a phone number... Looks like Chuck's Midas touch is still intact. I really hope we're not talking about the same Lady Alexander. Here she is. But a horse by any other name is still a horse. And Chuck and Blair can't seem to buy a clue. Assuming that Lady Alexander isn't related to Mr. Ed, it appears we've hit another dead end. Well, not exactly. Thoroughbred registries have all the important info on every sale, such as prices and previous owners. It's like M.L.S. for horses. So find the horse, find the owner. Here she is... Lady Alexander. It says she was bought four years ago by Bartholomew Bass. What else does it say? Well, not much except she was just under $1 million. Is that a lot of money? For regular people, yes.
I meant for a horse. I didn't realize your father was such a horse enthusiast. He's not. Well, then... Why did he buy a dozen thoroughbreds in a single month? Let me see that. It says here he bought them all from the same man in Dubai. I don't recognize the name, and I've been through the Bass Industries books with a fine-toothed comb. Maybe your father's secret is that he's just into horses... really, really expensive horses. I doubt he'd pay off Amira for that. I need to find Sheikh Hassan. There is a big 3-day horse show going on just outside the city right now. I saw it on one of the registries. It... it attracts an elite international crowd. Maybe if the Sheikh isn't there himself, he has people there for him? Looks like we're back in the saddle. You... you have a house in the Hamptons, too? And in Aspen and in St. Barth's, too. Sorry. Tiffany. Time's up. Don't call us. We'll call you. Okay, you both know the drill. Skip the small talk and get down to business. You have five minutes. Serena. Are you here to interview for the position? I'm sorry. Do you work here now?
As if. I'm pimping out celebutantes for Dan to have sex with. If you're interested, you can, uh, get in line. Uh, Dan told me to meet him here. I'll just be two minutes. That's fine, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave your bag. We can't risk any unauthorized recording devices. His words are worth too much. No, the bank has all my paperwork, okay? And you've seen the numbers, and they're good. No, I... I get that there's a lot of money going out the door each month, okay? But just, with a little more time, I know I can turn things around. I understand. Thank you. Who let you in here? That article this morning was unfairly biased. It's my job to report on other people's business. I'd be a hypocrite to get upset about it. Plus, "The Spectator" just got plugged in a popular national magazine. The glass is half full approach, huh? Yeah. I know your paper is in trouble. I also know that you are a lot smarter than that article makes you out to be. So I am here to offer you some relief. Let's talk. So what's so important you had to see me in person? And allow Georgina to frisk you? I...
I need to know, did you write a chapter about me? Of course I did. You really think my father or Nate are more interesting than the infamous Serena Van Der Woodsen? Okay, but I need to know what's in it and when it comes out. Well, that would ruin all the fun. Dan, I'm serious. Did you write about that night that we were together at the Campbell apartment? Relax. I didn't publish any of that. But not to protect you. Um, because it was the most humiliating thing I've ever been a part of. But don't worry. There's... there's gonna be some good stuff in your chapter. I think I might even include a little tidbit of this desperate conversation. Wow, I... I can't believe I ever loved someone who could write such awful things about his friends and family. Right, 'cause you were thinking about my feelings when you made that sex tape. You know what? The worst part is you actually seem to be enjoying it. Serena, wait a second. Wait. On your way out, just let Georgina know that I gotta take a bathroom break. Thanks for stopping by. Uh, Dan says have the next girl meet him in the bathroom. Mmm. That's more like it. Hey. I just finished my errand.
Yeah, I got everything I needed. So... you back "The Spectator," and I put out fluff pieces on you and Lily to offset her bad press on "Gossip Girl"? I know you did well with that article on Rufus, and mature readers help broaden your demo. You will have the extra cash you need. And as for me, a happy wife is a happy life. Hmm. Next thing I know, you'll be asking me to write bad press on Chuck, huh? I'm not looking for another partner. I'm sorry. I'm gonna handle this one on my own. I have no doubt you will succeed, especially if you've inherited your father's gift with numbers. He was always so... inventive. Hey, it's Nate. Listen, I have a business proposition for you. Well... at least I know your phone is working. What I don't know is why you're avoiding my calls. It's nothing personal. As you know, I've been avoiding my father. And, well, you're married to him. Does that mean you're behind the stories about me on "Gossip Girl"? Is that what he told you? I hope you know I would never do something like that to you. Well, I needed to hear it from you. I also need for you to end this feud with your father. I love both of you, and I can't stand to be in the middle of it a second longer. I appreciate your desire to bring us back together, but we were never close to begin with. The man's idea of father/son bonding was teaching me how to diversify bonds. It's always been business between us. Well, I got us tickets to the horse show, but it starts in an hour, so...
Oh. Hello, Lily. Oh, well, you don't mean the one at the Stone Orchard stables? It is. I... I don't... Chuck? Oh, I haven't been in years. It's a fabulous event. And a wonderful opportunity, Charles, for you and your father to talk about something other than business and start to make amends. I'm gonna see if he's available. Oh, please. No, don't tell him. This should be a surprise. Well, that was fast. So... what's this big business opportunity you mentioned on the phone? Mind if I come in? Looks like Chuck and Blair aren't the only ones with a surprise visitor. So much for Golden Boy going it alone. So what's with all the boxes? Are you moving in, or is Rufus moving out? It's Rufus' stuff from Lily's. I know you released the story about Rufus suing Dan, so I figured out you might also be behind all the stories about Lily on "Gossip Girl." Ooh. Well, now I know where you got all the ammo from. Lily acts so high and mighty, but look at her. She's been married a dozen times, she's had countless affairs, a secret kid, she's even spent time under house arrest, but never pays the price. And why should Rufus suffer while Lily's reputation remains unscathed? I agree. You do?
But Lily's friends don't read "Gossip Girl." So you should put the stories out on "The Spectator." I can see why you don't feel like socializing with your father, but why would you insist on keeping your attendance at an equestrian event a secret? I could care less about the horses. I'm looking at the property as long as my father and I are both in the real estate game in New York, there will never be peace in our family. Stone Orchard is for sale? Uh-huh. Oh, my God. What a shame. It's been in the same family for two centuries. Well, I heard they lost a fortune in Facebook stock. I'm just exploring the possibility, and I don't want Bart to know until it's real. This is fantastic, Charles. Good for you! I am so proud of you for thinking outside of the box, and outside of Manhattan. I know the place quite well. I actually put my horses there when we first moved back out east. And... I mean, I could show you around? I promise, not a word of this to your father. Ooh. Well, then there was Ben, who, contrary to some forged documents, I didn't sleep with when I was 15. Not until after he got out of prison, and that was the last guy I was with before you. You said that was a year and a half ago. Not even one random hook-up between the jailbird and me? No. I swore off men. I just wanted to focus on myself. Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I know that must be hard for you to believe, since you spent the entire winter focusing on the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models. Wait, wait. Come on. You saw that cat daddy video. So that's it, then? We're... we're good? I feel prepared for anything that could be published. Okay. No. Just... no. Did, uh, Nate get back to you about the, uh, horse show? He's got some work to do. He's gonna meet us there. I'm really glad he's going. Go easy on him, okay? Serena, did you want to come, too? I mean, if my dad wants you to. Oh. Well, I... I don't want to intrude. No. No, no, come. You can keep Sage occupied while I interrogate her boyfriend. Bart, dear, I know you're going to be devastated, but I was thinking we should cancel our dinner with the Kranzlers this evening. Gee, that's too bad. I was looking forward to dodging all their questions about my disappearance. Well, don't worry. We'll reschedule. You needn't bother, Lily.
What else did you have in mind instead? Well, I was suddenly in the mood for a spa overhaul... massage, facial, nails, the works. Are you still upset about Chuck and those stories on "Gossip Girl"? Because I'm planning to stop by The Empire and have a talk with him. Oh, I don't think that's necessary. I spoke to Charles, and he said he didn't leak those stories, and I believe him. So I'll call you when I'm done, okay? Sure. Thank you for keeping this between us. I hate lying, but there's no reason to concern your father if it helps you with your plan to make peace. Trust me. If he found out, he'd run everything. Sometimes it's best not to call in order to avoid being called out later. Just smell the air... so crisp and clean. And fertilized. You know, there is so much to show you. This could take all afternoon. Oh! Uh, uh, did you see that woman over there waving at you? Which one? The one that looks like Princess Anne. She's saying your name and waving. Are you sure? Ah. Well, maybe I should go say hello. I don't want to be rude. Mm. Excuse me. Okay, now it's your chance! Go!
Run! Blair, this isn't a hostage situation. I don't even know who to... excuse me. Can you tell me if any of Sheikh Hassan's horses are competing today? Mm... just one... Crown Jewel. She's on the course. Thank you. Okay, look. I'll go and see what I can find out about Sheikh Hassan. If you can keep Lily occupied for a few... I got a closer look, and it is Princess Anne with her daughter Zara, but are you sure she was waving at me? Because we've never actually met before. Maybe she was just swatting away mosquitoes or airing out her pits. Hmm. Well, either way, where should we begin our tour? Mm-hmm. Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I... No, it's okay. We just got here ourselves. Nate, this is my dad. You remember his fist, right? Ah. Yeah, sorry about that. I've never actually punched anyone before. You definitely did a good job. It hurt, so... Hey, do you wanna go check out the horse? Yeah.
You guys stay and bond over how great I am and how you want me to be happy, okay? Great. Bye! You know, just so you know, I had to... ice my hand all night. Probably hurt me more than it you. And I should probably tell you I am a huge fan of the business you've built. I've been following your career for forever now. So... You're not dating my daughter just to get to me, are you? No, sir. It's just a purely added bonus. Whoa! Whoa! You may be dating my daughter, but I'm dating your ex. That cancels out the need for any "sirs." Lily, hi! Hi! It's so nice to see you back at the barn. Thank you, Jessica. Great to see you as well. Enjoy the rest of your day. Ah! Thank you. If you ladies wanna get a drink, I think I'll check out the stables. Now leaving the course... Crown Jewel, owned by Sheikh Hassan, ridden by the Sheikh's daughter Iman. Oh, I think the stables are this way.
Actually, Lily... can we take a little detour? You know, I've been considering an equestrian *** for my next line, and I want you to introduce me to those women in the fabulous fascinators. Next on the course... That is a beautiful horse. I'd love to talk to you about buying it. So who's it gonna be? Personally, I think Melissa has the better face for photos, but Natasha is a Coppola, and that does come with a certain cachet. Well, I have to choose now? Obviously. But can't it wait? I mean, I'm... I'm... I'm exhausted. Oh, suck it up, Humphrey. They have pills for that. These girls are perfect. They all come from great neighborhoods, have very high I.Qs, and dress in designer labels. They meet all of our requirements. This just isn't me. These girls might be perfect on paper, but they're not who I'm looking for. Who you're... since when are you looking for anybody? Don't go soft on me now, Humphrey. Finding true love was never part of our deal. I'm sorry you're not selling. She's absolutely stunning. Thank you. My family takes great pride in our thoroughbreds. I know. I've been a big fan of your family's horses since I was a child.
There was one in particular I remember seeing compete. I think she was yours. Lady Alexander? Lady Alexander was my childhood horse. She was much loved but never competed a day in her life. My father must've loved her as much as then, because he paid a great deal for her. Again, you're mistaken. She was sold to a family friend several years ago and put to pasture. She was worthless to anyone but me. Which made her priceless. Uncle Bart! So good to see you. I see my son is attempting to work his charms on you. Why didn't you tell me Bart Bass is your father? He's like family. Our fathers were such good friends before his accident. Speaking of which, I was sorry to hear of his recent passing. Is that... I think that's Serena. You know her? Uh, yeah. That's my mom. Come on. I'll introduce you. Grandma. Oh, no, no. Don't call her that. Yeah, as much as I'd love to stay and chat with your charming daughter, I have to take this call from my mother.
Oh, tell Eleanor I said hello. Mm. Serena, darling, I had no idea you were coming to this. Oh, yeah. It was just a last-minute decision. But I want you to meet Steven's daughter Sage. Hi. It's nice to meet you. Oh, likewise. Um, you're so much... more mature than I'd imagined. I should probably go check on my dad and Nate. Okay, I'll be right there. How old is she? Oh, you know what? This is probably my fault that you have a father complex. Wait, so you really played basketball at Duke? You're really that gullible? No. No, unlike the other chemical engi-nerds, I did watch a few games. Hey, some people call it gullible. I like to call it trusting. It seems like you guys are getting along. No black eyes at least. No, you were... you were right about this guy. He's trusting, which may have led to some poor business decisions but... it makes for good character. He reminds me a little of myself at his age. Hey, that means a lot, man. Thanks. Okay, I wanted you guys to get along.
There's no need for a full-on bromance. Where's Serena? She ran into her mom. Wait. Lily's here? Do you know if he still wants to have kids? I mean, maybe he's done. Mother! Can we have this conversation somewhere else? People are starting to stare. Oh. It's probably another one of those "Gossip Girl" stories about me. Oh, I hope it ends soon. Oh, no, it's... it's not a "Gossip Girl" blast. It's a "Spectator" blast... about both of us. "Like mother, like daughter. They not only share the same taste in clothing but also in men. Looks like Steven Spence put age before beauty by sleeping with Lily before Serena"? Excuse me. Hey, Serena, wait. Did you just omit someone from our conversation? Like, I don't know, my mother? What... what are you talking about? Your love life is the one being published on "The Spectator." I had no idea that the story was about him, okay? I... I gave it to my editor so I could be here with Sage... and get to know Steven. Well, thanks to you, we all know him better now. Way to go, Nate. Dad, seriously?
Gross. Yeah, I... I have no idea why there's a story about me sleeping with your mother. It's not true! Actually, it is. There are two sides to every story, with the truth and Serena stuck smack in the middle. I think you're confusing me with someone else. Unfortunately, I'm not. Okay, well, one of you is wrong, and I really hope it's you, mom. I know we've met a few times socially, you know, through the Central Park Conservancy. And the Bancroft wedding? The one in the Irish castle. We snuck down to the dungeon, opened the oldest bottle of whiskey we could find. My last name was Mueller then. Klaus' ex? Lily Mueller. Oh, my God. Oh! So it is true? Look, it... it was... it... it was right after my divorce. You know, I had gone skiing in Verbier, and hurt my knee. There were... there were painkillers and... and whiskey and... oh, wow. Is that why you were so cold to me at Conservancy events? I didn't know about the painkillers. Yeah. But you did know that we were dating. Why didn't you say anything? What was I supposed to say? I... I... you... you told me that you two were madly in love and that he could be the one.
Besides... I figured Steven should be the one to tell you. Well, I guess this was one of those surprises we were hoping to avoid. This is your final notice. In five minutes. What the hell do you think you're doing here, talking to Iman? Enjoying the horses. Same as you, right? Because Lily would hate to learn that you had me followed. You need to stop sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong and leave Lily out of this. Do we understand each other? I didn't realize you'd become such an animal lover. I have a dog, too. I find the company of animals preferable to some people. Another weakness you didn't inherit from me. I pulled the story off the site, okay? I got ahold of some old list Lily made. You know, the names of everyone that she had ever slept with. I... I swear I didn't know your dad's name was on it. Everything was going so well. My dad was really starting to like you. I screwed up. I'm sorry. I should've vetted the article before it ever came out. What do you have against Serena's mom anyway? Nothing. I don't have anything against her. I just... it was a... it was a... it was a desperate move to save my company.
It was a mistake. Well, you decided to do it on your own for a reason. I did, and I think I know of a way that I can without hurting anyone that I care about. Hey. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm really sorry. And I just... I don't want to lose "The Spectator." Or you. I just saw Lily leaving with Bart. Did you not tell him you tracked down the Sheikh? Doesn't matter. Sheikh's dead, and the daughter won't talk. She won't? Why not? She calls him "Uncle Bart." We're done here. Shall we? Uh, I'll meet you at the car. I need the ladies' room after all those mint juleps. Right. Next on the course... Owned by the Kelly stables. Iman? Hi. I'm Blair. I'm a close friend of Chuck's. I know he left before he could speak to you, but this is important to him, and so it's important to me. Is this about the horse?
Because I know Chuck never really wanted it. He was just flirting with me. I don't think he was flirting with you. Look, I know how much these horses mean to you and meant to your father. Unfortunately, they don't mean that much to Bart. He isn't exactly a big donator at P.E.T.A, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure I do. Well, Bart Bass. Killed a tiger on safari? He eats veal on a regular basis? I don't know about any of that, but he was a good friend to my father. He bought Lady Alexander and the others so they could live out their days on a farm in Virginia. Okay. Listen, Princess Jasmine, the fact is, your Uncle Bart is bad. I'm sure every single horse he bought from your family went straight to the glue factory, including your beloved Lady Alexander. But, if you like, go ahead. Check it out. See if you find the Bart Bass retirement home for aged equines. Trust me, Chuck is the good guy here, and he needs your help. On the Upper East Side, it's hard to know who to trust. Usually, the answer is no one. I'm sorry, but it's gonna take me more than a car ride to forget the fact that you slept with my mother. Serena, I can't change what happened. I can forget it, obviously, but I... I can't change it. Maybe you can forget, too? I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget this. Well, I... I guess I can try to move past it. I mean, crazier things have happened in my family.
Wait, wait, wait. Please, just not so fast. There are certain images that keep popping up. Then we must try to erase them. I'm warning you. This could take a while. Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd see you again. Care for a drink? I can't stay long, but I wanted to tell you that I looked into what your friend Blair told me. Lady Alexander never went to any farm in Virginia. Blair told you she did? No. Bart told me. But the horses he purchased from my family are nowhere to be found. I'm sorry to hear that. Bart obviously didn't care much about your horses and probably paid your father a lot of money for something else. Do you know what it was? Maybe a... a real estate deal? Perhaps a hotel? A hotel? No, my father was in the oil business. But Bart couldn't have been involved in that. Why not the oil business? Because we have a home in Dubai, but we're Sudanese nationals. I'm sorry. International affairs are not my area of expertise. Well, at least not this kind. Well, the U.S. has an embargo against trading oil with Sudan, so if that's what he bought from my father... Bart was breaking federal law.
Thanks for taking another look at my loan application. I... can't believe I left out all the revenue from the new markets. Just a rookie mistake, I guess. Well, the numbers do look better, and, uh, I'm glad you caught the error, because, uh, with ad sales projections like this... we're happy to extend "The Spectator's" line of credit. Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver. Now let me just go make you a copy of this real quick. I'll be right back. How did it go? Yeah, Nate asked me to take another look at the numbers like you said he would. Are you sure you wanna co-sign on this loan? It's obvious he's doctored his earnings report. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Send me the documents to sign in the morning. Again, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was with Charles, and you felt the need to follow us. Apparently... with good reason. He's just trying to make things right with you. I know how much you wanna believe that, but Charles has done nothing since we've gotten back together but lie and manipulate you. Oh, really? You really think I'm that much of a pushover. He will prey upon your maternal instincts to get between us. Well, I won't let that happen. Neither will I. You know how much I don't like ultimatums, but I'm afraid Chuck has left me no choice. If you wanna be with me, you need to stay away from my son. You can't ask me to do that. He's my son, too. We're not done discussing this. So Bart was using the horses to hide the money he was buying illegal oil with?
He had to hide it somehow. Sudan is an embargoed country, which means he didn't fake his death because he was worried Mason Nevins would come after Lily or me. He did it so he could avoid federal prison. Well, this is what we need. Right? Quick. Call the CIA or the FBI or TMZ. Let's turn him in! I wish it were that simple. We need evidence first. I was already planning our victory celebration in my head. We were in a bubble bath with a bottle of Grande Cuvée and no business in the way of us being together. Hold onto that visual. Mmm. If I must. Call me if you need anything. Blair, it's Jean Pierre. Your mother is not pleased. She knows you're avoiding her calls and that you don't have orders from any buyers. She says you have one month to fix this. Lily, I cannot apologize to you enough. I mean, nothing like this will ever happen again in "The Spectator," I promise you. Thank you for understanding, yeah. Bye. I hope you're here because you forgive me, too. I hope that answers your question. If Serena can forgive my dad for sleeping with Lily, and Lily can forgive you for publishing a story about it, I guess I can forgive you for acting like a jerk. You know, I... I haven't gone through those.
Are you sure you just wanna throw it all away? Some of it must have sentimental value. Yeah, I'm sure, and I'm sorry I put the responsibility on you to begin with, but I was at the gallery, and I realized I don't want this stuff. I... I don't wanna look back. I just wanna look forward... With you. We all have things from our past we'd like to erase. Philip, get some popcorn. I ran into Serena earlier today and picked up a movie for us. But on the Upper East Side, it's not so easy to hit "delete." ♪ Step forward There's always a record of misdeed somewhere... And someone's always looking for it. Humphrey, what are you doing here? I'm pretty sure you have a spare room up in here. I was wondering if I could crash. You made it pretty clear you were done with me. What's changed? I realized I made a mistake. I've missed you. I've missed... my friend. Last year, when you had no one, I was there for you. I kinda need you to do the same for me right now. Serena's bed is empty. Make yourself at home. ♪ Will heal Better not to ignore the past but learn from it instead. ♪ Nor the sword Otherwise, history has a way of repeating itself.
X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl. Oh, what the hell? Who-who are you? Charlie McReddin. Oh, Charlie McReddin. Daddy, you found him? Yeah. - What are you guys doing? - We're playing hide-and-seek. He's great at it. I'm the best at hide-and-seek. Oh. Come on, Charlie, let's go. Is everything all right? I thought I heard Ellie scream. No, that was me. Whoa. Well, you didn't see what I saw. Children of the Corn is hiding inside of our cabinet over here. What? He's Ellie's friend. In fact, I think he might be her boyfriend. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's too soon for that. What? First, it's hide-and-seek, and then that turns into doctor, which leads to seven minutes in the closet. You mean seven minutes in heaven? I never got to heaven. Oh, I totally did.
That's what I'm talking about, and then before you know it, it's gonna be her junior high graduation and she's gonna be wearing a Baby Bjorn. What? Now, can you tell me how to fix the TV? Really? You're really thinking about it? Yes. Are you really gonna sell the apartment? I wasn't thinking about selling it, but Jenny found me a buyer, so I have to consider it. Does he know about Dirty Randy and the jizz-fest porno? Do you think I have to disclose that? Yeah, it's a law. It's called jizz-closure. There's no jizz-closure. If you don't jizz-close, you can get into a lot of legal trouble. Look at this guy. Hey! You-You're blocking me in. Excuse me? Hello? Sorry, hi. Your car is just a little close. Easy, chemo, I just got it waxed. Gina? Gina Gibiatti? It's Andre Nozick from North Winnetka High. Yeah, no, I know who you are, dildo, but if you touch my car, I'll mace you. Hey, Gina, it's me. It's Pete Eckhart. Yeah.
Good to see you. Yeah. You look great. Yeah, I know. All right, uh, well, it's been so long since I've seen you. I heard you moved to Palm Beach. Stalk much? Yeah, I'm back. Just got a divorce, left that tool. Later, losers. Gina Gibiatti. So hot. So mean. How did Frank and her come from the same parents? Out of all the Gibiattis, she should be the one called "The Body." Yeah, and if you need further proof, her gynecologist married her. That guy stares at vagina all day long, and he chose that one. Because it's the best. Yeah, but she divorced him, and now she is on the waiver wire, so who's gonna try to pick her up? No way, man. That's like picking up Terrell Owens, too volatile. I've been thinking about it a little bit. No. She made you cry in high school, Pete. That's true. You were a senior, she was a freshman, you asked her privately to the prom, she brought you into the cafeteria, publicly said no in front of everyone, and then you cried. Yeah, she destroyed me. I get it. And now you want to date her? No, I despise her, but I'm also extremely attracted to her.
So there's hate, and there's sex. Oh, you want to hate-her. You got it. You see, I woo her, I wine her and dine her, we have sex, she's thinking it might be a good thing, and then I'm like, bam, "No, you're done." You're crying now. "No prom for you. Good-bye." I don't think you're capable of it, but I completely support you in doing it. Good, 'cause I'm gonna need your help, all of you. I'll help you out. If you're having sex with her, you get tired, just tag me in. I'll finish her off. That is not what I'm talking about. While Pete is attempting to have delusional revenge-sex with a woman he despises, I will be making love to my wife with the end goal of having an anchor baby. Well, hopefully it's a girl and Chalupa Batman can get his dinged-up little donger wet. I don't want to think about my children having sex, especially since Ellie now has a boyfriend. Oh. Really? This little kid named Charlie who's always hanging around the house. You're gonna have to have the sex talk with her. I don't want to have the sex talk with my daughter. She's eight. All you have to do is talk to kids on their level. Like Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Yes, they're boyfriend and girlfriend, but sometimes Kermit wants to put his little frog penis into her pig vagina. Oh, my God. Wow. Don't say pig vagina! Why? It's important to use the anatomical term.
Hey. Hi, Mr. MacArthur. Oh! Daddy! I said no more hide-and-seek. Oh, come on, Daddy, just one more round, please? Fine, one more round, and then that's it, okay? Thank you, Daddy. Hey, Kev? Yeah? Andre's dying to talk to you. Hey, Andre. Hey, pound it out. I will not. Okay. What's up? I just wanted to say thank you to you both. Jenny found a buyer for my loft. Oh. That is my job. I want to do something amazing for you. I want to give you guys a gift. Oh. I want to take us out to dinner. With you? Yeah. That's the gift? Yeah. You don't have to do that, Andre, really. No, I want to do that.
I can't wait to amuse this bouche with vou. Dinner with Andre's not a gift. No Andre talk. Losing blood flow. Oh, my God, that feels good. Oh, don't stop. Oh, God, yeah. No, no, this side. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Get out! In! No, stay out. Charlie? Charlie, why were you hiding in our bedroom? Because Ellie would never find me in there. That's right, she wouldn't find you in there. That's why we need you to forget about everything you saw up there. What did I see? You saw magic. You saw magic and a real man... You know what, you saw nothing. Okay, we're good? What's in it for me? What is this, a shakedown, kid? What could you possibly want? You're eight years old. I want to be able to hang out here with Ellie. Why? She's my girlfriend.
No way. So then I'll just tell Ellie what I saw? Oh, you're good. Real good, Charlie. And you have to help me with my science project. My God, you're like a young Tony Soprano. Fine, I'll help you with your science project, but full disclosure, I almost failed chemistry, so it's on you. Mr. Ruxin, we ran a complete physical. Uh, unfortunately, your sperm count is exceedingly low. What? If I wasn't a doctor, I'd say frighteningly low. But you are a doctor. Right, so I'm not gonna say that. You realize that's, like, the worst thing you can tell a man? Mr. Ruxin, you have AIDS. What? You see how that's much worse? Do I have AIDS? You do not have AIDS. Okay, you have terrible bedside manner. Yes, I do. Okay, so how could I have a low sperm count? There could be some contributing factors, diet? I got a good diet. How about stress? Yeah, stress is real. Yeah, I'm the commissioner of my fantasy football league. You've brought that up several times. Have you been working with a computer on your lap for an abnormal period of time? Computer on my lap?
Hmm... The score's not updating fast enough. Kevin, let me see your computer. Give it up. Now I'm cooking with fire. Oh! I'm still down by one. I need one more of... Ooh, ow, hot, hot, hot. Nope. I did notice the tops of your thighs are completely free of hair as though they had been singed off. Doctor, I don't understand why you think I would lie to you. I don't know why you would lie to me. You seem to do it almost on instinct. Yeah... that is my knee-jerk reaction is to lie. I'm just more comfortable swimming in those waters. What do you hope to gain from all this lying? I guess just like when I walk out that door, you're, like, "Wow, that guy seems pretty cool." I don't think, "There goes someone pretty cool." I think, "There goes someone with high cholesterol and a fertility problem." Okay, you go. Here's the plan. When she leaves her apartment, these homeless guys are gonna come up to her, and instead of asking her for change, they're gonna ask her to accept this rose. Then you're gonna come in and ask her out on a date. I don't know... you sure this is gonna work? All women love The Bachelor. This is like having a bunch of homeless Chris Harrisons. Trust me. How do you always find the hole, Andre?
Practice. Okay, we're on. Excuse me, ma'am? Could you spare a smile? Gross. Get away from me. Ooh, shit. You people are everywhere. Get a job. Three, go, go, go. Sir, he's stealing your cart! He's stealing your cart! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Was that your decoy so you could jack my stuff? No, no, no, no. You work for the government? No, I don't even take insurance. Put that down. That's from my dad. Jerk, you little D-hole! You don't steal a man's stuff. Oh, my God. Ooh, I'm so... Gina! Hey, how are you? Check it out... there's a bum fight. Oh, my God, I love this shit. Oh, God, your breath. My breath... you're no prize yourself, Sparky. Don't you just love bum fights?
Yeah, of course I love... Who doesn't love a good bum fight? How's that feel? Who do you think's gonna win? Who do you have? Uh, I think the big guy's gonna make the little one his bitch. I got you now, fish. You totally called that, Gina. You won the bet... you want a coffee or something? Uh... yeah, sure. Come on, let's go. Thank you, Andre. No, no, help me. Pete! Oh, what's this? A rose, my lady? Gross. Okay, so we'll take pieces of leaves and maybe some onions, and we'll put them in a slide, underneath the microscope, and we'll magnify it like ten times. Who knows... maybe we'll even do a hundred times. What were you guys doing up in that bedroom? Was it sex? Why were you on top? Oh, all right. I got to get more onions, just... oh. We're on a deadline here. Brain boner. Oh, hey, Ellie. Nice haircut. I'm Charlie. Don't talk back to me.
I'm an adult. Oh, cool... let me know when you're done with this. This will make an awesome guest bong. Can I ask you about sex? Sure, buddy. How old are you? Eight. Hmm... do you own a waterbed? No. How many women have you had sex with? None. What? Wow, you're way behind. I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister. What I want to do here is find the perfect dining experience. Andre, we have been sitting here for a half an hour. If you want to give me a gift, just pick one. Well, right here is one of my favorite restaurants. It's called Rivera. Great... sounds fantastic. Let's do that. You didn't even hear what the options are. I just love the name of it, Rivera... sounds great. Rivera is haute cuisine, and what I need you to do is help me make a reservation because Markie the hostess is kind of irritated with me right now. Now I need a table for three at 8:15. I also want to make sure that the bathroom is nowhere near where the table is, so make... If you keep giving at this rate, honestly, Andre, I'm going to be peeling onions for my own dinner. You're gonna want to. Hey, guys.
Hey. Thank God. Big time Gina date coming up, okay? My first idea was maybe I'll commission, like, a cool piece of graffiti for her, but then I remembered she just basically hates poor people so that's out. She sounds like a real keeper. No, she's the worst, but I have to be at my best so I can truly impress her. You like her, don't you? No, I hate her... I'm just focused on the hate date. I don't know, Pete. What about those flowers you got her? Yeah, they were hate flowers. And the poem you wrote? Hate poem. Beware... beware and do not fall for her. And I'll see you at dinner. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Jenny, as a woman, what would be the ultimate date for you? Have you been to Rivera? Why are we here, Taco? You know I hate Chinatown. This place has something that's gonna help you with your sperm count, my friend. We gonna chug a punch of three penis wine? No, three penis wine builds the theater, but it doesn't fill the seats. If you want real results, you need to go straight to the source. And what's that? It's off the menu. This is one of only four restaurants in Chicago that serves animal D and B. And what's D and B?
Dick and Balls. Oh, dear God. Mmm, yummy. Delicious male organs. Horse, donkey. Mmm. Is this legal? Mmm, some parts of China. What's in there? The pee-pee platter. Six kinds of penis, four kinds of testicles. That's a spicy meatballs. Just think of it as a genital jambalaya. Can't I just take some sort of pill for this? Ruxin, you can lead a horse to the horse cock, but you can't make him eat it. That is not a Chinese proverb. That's what it said on my fortune scrotum. So, what do I use, like, a chopstick or spork? This isn't charm school. Grab a hold of that cock and shove it down your throat. Does eating this animal dick make me gay? It's animal dick... at the very worst, it's bestiality. Yeah, put it in your mouth. Mm-hmm, there it goes. Slip it in. Put the dick in your mouth. Just the tip... mmm. Dear God. Mmm. This tastes like dick.
Aw, man... this place does penis right. Yummy, huh? Ah, think I just clipped a vein. All right, let's split this guy. All right, give me your plate. Welcome to a culinary experience like no other. I'd like to propose a toast. Oh, God. Tonight, we're going on a journey, and when we go on that journey, we must board a ship. A friendship. I'd like to jump overboard. I'm saving you and pulling you back. Tonight, we board a friendship. Cheers. And I hope that... Okay, okay, let me get in there. Can we just do it... can you just do it again so I can get in there? So tonight we board a friendship and... Cheers. You guys are so quick. Okay, I'm just gonna leave my glass here and then you guys can toast... me? Actually, you're not supposed to drink that wine... it's a sniffing wine. You don't sniff wine; You sniff glue, Andre. No, you don't drink it. Hey, guys, sorry we're late. There you are. No, no, no, this is a private gift that I'm giving to Kevin and Jenny. And gifts are meant to be shared. With you guys, not with everybody.
Andre, are you being rude to our guest... oh, would you like a glass of wine? It's for sniffing, but you can drink it. Mmm, smells really cheap. You guys all remember Gina, of course. Gina, hey... Kevin. Hi. Hey, how are... No, we went to high school together. Right. This is, uh, my wife Jenny. Hi. Hi... did you go to our high school as well? No, I didn't. Oh, you look like one of those girls that went to our high school. Thank you. Andre! Hey! Hello. That homeless guy was all over your shit, you guys. It was so hot. Did you get his number? What? I didn't get his number, no. Did he deny you? No, I gave him money, and it was fine, okay? You paid for homeless man sex? No, no, no! And he still said no.
Another glass of the vermentino. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. And this is the deconstructed chile relleno imported from Barcelona, in a gentle shower of pecorino-romano. You know you're just a waiter, right? Excuse me? You don't need to tell us where our food's from, right? I mean, we want to eat it, not hang it on a wall. Don't talk to us like you're a professor at Hogwarts, okay? Well, technically, Hogwarts is like a school for magic. And this is... Okay, go tell it to your homeless boyfriend, Andre. The lady would like a cosmo, please. And what kind of vodka would the lady prefer? The kind that doesn't have your bullshit in it. I'm so sorry. Okay, so nice to be with everybody all dressed up and looking great. Gina, you look absolutely stunning tonight. Thank you. Yeah. Although, it's not really a compliment coming from you because you look like you were in the jerk-off stand at a Romanian sex circus. Fives, bitch. And here's to Gina, guys. I like you, Gina. Oh, everybody toast. We'll have a toast. Come on in. I got a bunch of animal crank running around my stomach right now, so what exactly is the plan? All right, well, the animal DNB should be working instantly, so we're gonna test out how your guys are swimming. Where?
In my lab. You talking about Kevin's garage? I got a professional entry-level children's microscope right here. All I need is for you to rub one out on this slide. This slide, you want me to jerk off onto this slide? Yep. Oh, sorry. What are you doing? ! I need some privacy. Well, if you want me to go get something that'll help you out with the whole process... Uh, yeah, okay. First, I want to start with the pool scene from Wild Things. Okay. Or that grape-stomping video where the woman falls and gets the wind knocked out of her. She's, like,. I love that video. If you don't have that, then, like, an Abercrombie catalog, 2002. Kevin must have one of those hidden away somewhere. Okay. I'm gonna go put these cock-and-ball leftovers in the fridge. Have fun. All right. Hey, hit the lights on the way out? Yes. It's the only way I can do it. Enjoy pleasuring yourself. All right. Well, we've done this in worse places, haven't we, little Rodney? Wasn't one of you guys in the band?
Andre was in the sub band, the Magic Club. That's right! It was a whole club for magic? No, no, it was just him by himself. He met once a week. The picture in the yearbook must have been amazing. Can we actually get the check, please? No, no, no. I would hate for this date to end. We've been having so much fun, right? Quick question for you. Have you had the distinct pleasure of experiencing. Andre's podcast? What? Please... No, no, that's mine. This is, this is something that I think you in particular would really enjoy. This is one of my favorite episodes of what Andre calls. Witchy Woman. What? It combines my love of Don Henley and magic... Here he goes. Welcome to another edition of Witchy Woman. In a top hat! It's glorious. Magic... it can be interesting or illuminating, erotic or entertaining. Whoops. This is shit. I mean, this is the worst shit I've ever seen. I told my Web guy not to upload that one.
That's another episode of Witchy Woman. You want to see some magic? Get ready. Come on. You never know when it might disappear. Oh! He's gone. No, he's still there! He's still there! Oh, but he's going, he's going, and now he's gone! What happened to David Lame? I just appreciate you didn't call me David Cockerfield. And this is Andre's podcast, everybody. Let's get out of here. Andre, thank you so much. I could not have done this without you. All right, let's hit it. Good night, guys. Good night. Have a lovely evening. Such a great gift. I mean, really. Cheers. Cheers. Look at these projects. They're really good. Did you guys know that a lemon can be a battery? Huh. I knew it could be a weapon. You guys can keep your lemons.
Charlie's project is fantastic. Can I ask why you are so invested in Charlie's project today? Well, if he's gonna be Ellie's boyfriend, then I want to take an interest in him. That's really sweet, babe. Not as sweet as those meatballs and sausage you left in the fridge. They were delicious. I ate, like, all of them. Oh, those weren't meatballs. Those were, uh... Hello, MacArthurs! Lindsay! Wow! Hi! It's great to see you. Great to see you, too. Yeah. Are you Ellie's teacher this...? Oh, God, no. I'm running the science fair. Well, you know, she still speaks incredibly highly of you. And how many four-letter words is she using when she does it? So, Ellie, why don't you show me what you've done? My project is "What's in Your Landfill?" What is in your landfill? This stuff, apparently. Oh, we've got beer bottles, cigarettes. Is that a condom? That's mine. It belongs there. It's used.
I don't know, Ellie. It looks like you just took a bunch of trash and then put some dirt on top of it. You think this is crap? Did you see these other projects? Oh, my God. Okay. I see a lot has changed. Have a wonderful day. This is what we prepared for, so lock it in! Okay, let's see what we have here. I have 20 slides prepared. Very impressive. Thank you. Kevin, what are you doing helping Charlie McReddin? Charlie is Ellie's boyfriend, so... Oh, I see. Well, why don't you show me the first slide? They're onion skins. Onion skins. Mm-hmm. Excuse me. Is that what I think it is? Oh, that's semen. Taco! It's not mine. It's a friend of ours. Not the friend whose penis you broke with your... Okay, you are disgusting people, and you should not be around children. Charlie, this was very inappropriate to bring to school. You need to speak to the principal.
But it wasn't my fault. Disappointing, McReddin. Not bad, huh? Stop talking. Those boys are swimming now. Please tell me you didn't make that here. I saw you guys having sex. What? What? ! What? ! No! And he saw me watching. Really? ! It looked boring. It didn't seem like you guys were having a good time. Excuse me? It was Missionary Wednesdays. No one's ever satisfied. Well, you didn't stay till the end. Oh, did one of you finish? Usually, it just kind of tatters off. Hey, Kevin, guess what. Mission accomplished. No, no, no, I haven't told her off just yet. As soon as she comes in, bam! I'm shutting it down! No prom for you!
Pete wins! Hey, Pete? I gotta go. Hey. I made us coffee. Cool. So, I had a great time last night. Yeah, last night was fun. So, do you want to go out again? Really? Well... I'd love to. Mmm, yeah! Oh, Gibiatti! This is Batman. I've found them. Tell Cyborg he was right about how they've been breaking into these places. SUPERMAN [OVER RADIO]: Copy that. Hold your position. Help is on the wa... [GRUNTS] That's what I call a safecracker. KING: How many times do I have to tell you? We don't want industrial diamonds. TEN: But, boss... - Listen to the King, Ten.
Quality over quantity. Jack, we're on a timetable. What are you doing out there? Keeping watch. Peekaboo, I see you. [BATMAN GRUNTS] [JACK GRUNTS] Pick a card, any card. [GRUNTS] [GROANS] [SCREAMS] Cute. I can do this all day. Can you? Forget it, Jack. Everybody, take what you can and get out. Right. Soon as I kill Batman. [JACK SCREAMS] No way Batman came here alone. [JACK GRUNTS] What, I'm supposed to be worried about Robin? Huh? You might wanna give up now. Crap. It's the Justice League. That's three you owe me. - We keeping score? - Not literally. Because if we are, it's 8 to 7, my favor.
- Batman, are you okay? - I'll live. [THUDS] So will Ace, apparently. He's still a little embarrassed from last time. He sucker punched me. I've got Queen. That leaves Jack. Haven't seen him since he sicced Ace on me. Couldn't have gone far. You search the vaults. I'll take the rest of the building. [BOTH GRUNTING] [SCREAMS] Don't bother. I just looked. - Everywhere? - The whole complex... except for the last vault room. Shall we? - After you. - Heh, like you've got a choice. - Found him. - You fast enough to go in... and knock him out before he glances in your direction? We could wait until his eye laser runs out of power. Flank him. I'll make sure he stays inside until you get there. That will work too. [GREEN LANTERN GRUNTS] All right, now come the warning shots. Give up?
Please say no. You'll never catch me, Lantern. Lots of women say that. Bang. [SCREAMING] [GRUNTING] [YELLS] [GRUNTING] [SCREAMS] [METAL CREAKING] Say good night, Ace. [GASPS] Surrender peacefully. You will not be harmed. Really don't think so, martian. [SCREAMING] Come on in. I'll kill you where you stand. [WHIRRING] Trying to make me look away? It's not gonna work. FLASH: I'm pretty sure it is, Jack. BATMAN: J'onn! I am unharmed. FLASH: Intangibility. Works every time. - What?
J'ONN JONZZ: King escaped me. He was headed in that direction. [GRUNTS] CYBORG: Don't think so, Your Highness. Handheld plasma generator. Nice work. Hey, guys. You missed one, but I got him for you. What were you doing here? I thought you were helping. I am helping. Batman thought your robbery spree was being done with extra-dimensional tech. You were right by the way. I asked him to consult because his father did work in the field. Since Dad passed, I'm the world's ranking expert... in multi-dimensional interface. The Royal Flush Gang knows more about this tech than you? Somebody does, but not these mooks. Flying playing cards is one thing, but this? Agreed, this isn't even their standard MO. Anything on the hard drive? CYBORG: A lot. I'm still sorting it all out. GREEN LANTERN: Wake up, King. Got some questions for you. [GROANS] - I want a lawyer.
- You're getting ahead of yourself. First, you want a doctor, then you want a lawyer. Diana, would you be so kind? You sure know how to take the fun out of an interrogation. Who gave you the technology that allows you to walk through walls? I do not know. The lasso compels you to tell the truth. I do not know. - I know you don't like to do it, J'onn... - Not unnecessarily. I've read the minds of his entire group. None of them knows the origin of the device. Then we haven't found the end of the thread. We've found all we're going to tonight. I'll take these guys to booking. The rest of you can sleep on what we've learned. - I don't need to sleep, I need to follow up... - Your injuries are severe. If you wish, a session with my healing ray could save you days of recovery time. I'm fine, Diana. Well, I'm tired. Unless something comes up, we'll reconvene at the meeting on Thursday. I think we could search the hard drive on the device for... I've got 16 petabytes of data to sort through. I'll call you as soon as I've got something. Honest. [GRUNTS THEN GROANS] BATMOBILE: Authorized vehicle operator recognized. Security systems disarmed.
[SIGHS] [TIRES SCREECHING] Late night playing cards, Master Bruce? Something like that. How did you know? I believe tradition calls for hiding these up one's sleeves. Was that sarcasm, Alfred? Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you... mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor. Not going to let me go to work. That is correct, Master Bruce. - Not until you've had medical attention... - Fine. Food, and a minimum of eight hours bed rest. Let's just get this over with. I made chicken soup. You can eat while you brood... and I'll put in your stitches myself. It will be delightful, I'm sure. BRUCE: All right. ALFRED: By the way, the part about the stitches? That would be sarcasm. This is Mirror Master. I'm in. MAN [OVER RADIO]: Then get to work. This is the most vulnerable moment of the entire plan. [BEEPS] You sure this thing will work?
For the amount of money I paid LexCorp, it had better. I couldn't see anything while I was in the mirror. Maybe I should snoop around and see if I can find out who he really is. The information I sent you to steal is far more valuable... than Batman's secret identity. Besides, I already know it. - You know who Batma...? COMPUTER: Download complete. [BEEPING] [BANE YELLS] [NECK SNAPS] [GRUNTS] WOMAN: It's not broken. You've arrived. Star Sapphire. If this is an elaborate ambush, you won't fare any better than the alligator. METALLO: I suspect we'd do a bit better. It's Bane, isn't it'? I'm Metallo. Big fan of your work. The scary guy's Ma'alefa'ak... and the lady with the claws is Cheetah. [RUMBLING] - What's that supposed to be? MA'ALEFA'AK: An invitation. Welcome to the Hall of Doom. I'm Vandal Savage. I'm pleased to see you all here.
For $10 million, I'm inclined to accept any invitation. Makes me wonder, though. What if we'd just kept the money and not shown up? You'd live the rest of your very short lives... in fear of the moment when I would inevitably find you. CHEETAH: Tough talk. None of us are that easy to kill. Everybody dies, child. That's not what I've heard about you. You five and Mirror Master are here because you each have... a personal vendetta against a member of the Justice League. You wish to see them dead. While I have no personal enmity towards them... I have a vision for this world, and they would stand in my way. Their deaths would serve my goals. In short, we need each other. I don't speak for the others, but I'm perfectly capable... of killing Wonder Woman by myself. SAVAGE: History says otherwise. You've all tried and failed to kill members of the league on multiple occasions. Savage has foolproof plans for how we can destroy them. And I will pay you $100 million, plus expenses... for each Justice Leaguer you take off the table. Wait a minute. You just committed over a half a billion dollars... just to get the JLA out of the way of another plan? SAVAGE: As Ma'alefa'ak implied earlier, I'm very old. Fifty thousand years has been sufficient time to amass a fortune... that dwarfs any other in human history. Even so, to spend that much money just to clear the decks... the payoff must be huge. Inconceivably so. Any who would like to continue working with me are welcome to share in the riches. After you've destroyed the Justice League.
I don't see any of us looking for the exit. Then it's settled. Welcome to the Legion of Doom. ALFRED: Master Bruce. What is it, Alfred? I have some unpleasant news. No. How could this have happened? Where are my parents' caskets? I don't know, sir. We found it like this just a few minutes ago. I called the house right away. Whoever did this is going to pay. BANE: Perhaps I can help you with that. When I said I didn't know who was responsible for this... I may have been lying. What? [BOTH GRUNT] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] [CHATTERING] Come on, John. We actually surprised you? It's been a busy week. I'd forgotten it was my birthday. Also, I'd never mentioned it to any of you. Your stalker knows all. She really likes you, you know. I didn't know how old you were, so I just put a lot.
You're supposed to wait for us to sing "Happy Birthday." Ugh, I hope you at least made a wish. I didn't order that. It's from the lady. Do you know her? I do not. Thank you for the drink, but I'm on duty. I figured. It's a soda. - Got a light? - I don't smoke. You seem very familiar. You don't need a line, John. I'm obviously interested in you. I can't place your face. That's unusual for me. Really look. Use your martian vision. How do you...? [WONDER WOMAN GRUNTING] What do you want, Cheetah? To hurt you, Diana. What else? [CHEETAH GROWLS] [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER] Hey, can we wrap this up? We're blocking traffic, and it's obvious what happened here. BARRY: Is it? Come on, Allen, don't do this to me again.
BARRY: The facts don't fit the scenario. - You guys hear the news? You mean the part where I blow my date tonight and therefore die alone... because Allen turned my hit-and-run into a homicide? I'm serious. Mirror Master's robbing the new maglev train from Keystone City. Bag and tag everything, and be thorough. This is a murder, not an accident. - Where you going? BARRY: Train station. For what? It's a robbery in progress, not a crime scene. Mirror Master's there. It'll be a crime scene soon enough. Who's the officer in charge? Special Agent Porter. My office reached out to you. An unknown number of heavily armed militiamen have taken over the mine. A salt mine? For what? They call themselves the Identity Brotherhood. They plan to use the salt mine as their base during the second American revolution... which is, they claim, imminent. They've killed a dozen people, wounded three of my men. - Why not go in hard and take them down? - I'd like to. But they have at least six hostages, workers, trapped down there with them. We hoped you might be able to take a more subtle approach... than the responses we have available. Got it. This is Green Lantern.
I'm coming in. If you harm any of those hostages, you'll answer to me. Back in five. [MEN GRUNT] [MEN GRUNT] [GRUNTS] [OFFICERS MUMBLING] OFFICER 1: Flash. OFFICER 2: Mirror Master's in here. - One at a time. - We're shipping old cash to the reserve. - Old cash? - It's being taken out of circulation. It'll be destroyed and replaced with new bills. Unless Mirror Master steals it first, which ain't gonna happen on my watch. Yeah. I just untied you, remember? You're lucky he let you live. Stay here and I'll take a crack at him. Took you long enough to get here. I brought you something. I thought this was a robbery. It looks more like you're doing the feds' work for them. [FLASH GRUNTS] Hologram. Figures. [IN UNISON] Which one of us is real? I don't care.
[BRUCE GROANING] [BOTH GRUNT] [BRUCE GRUNTING] What did you do with their bodies? When we fought before, I broke the bat. Today, I break the man. Come on, I'm not gonna kill you yet. What's in the box? Dead grandma. - What kind of sick...? - Relax. I got a little ahead of myself. You can hardly blame me trying to keep up with the likes of you. She's still alive. [BEEPING] Don't move. You really wanna hear all this first. I call this my hostage box. At the end of the countdown, already in progress... the box will activate and instantly kill the old woman... unless you use your super-speed to get her out. - It's a trap. - Most probably... but you can't take that chance, or pass up the challenge. Are you fast enough, Flash? [SCREAMS] Careful. It's bolted through your wrist. - What? - It's a bomb with a three-mile blast radius. If you try to remove the bomb, it explodes. If you do nothing in 60 seconds, it explodes. Before you heroically leave the train to protect the passengers... there's one last thing.
Once you start running, if you decelerate... It explodes. You've got 12 seconds to decide what to do. I don't much care which way you go because I'm not really here. Why are you here, Ma'alefa'ak? To buy you a drink. It's laced with a chemical that has an odd effect on martian biology. You couldn't taste it over the soda. [GROANING] It's a poison. Oh, it won't kill you. Your body will filter it out in a few hours. Unfortunately, you'll sweat the poison out of your pores. It's magnesium, by the way. JOHN: No. MAGGIE: John. WOMAN: That guy just fell down. What's the matter, can't hold your liquor? Stay back. SMITH: Oh, man. He's the freaking Martian Manhunter. Listen, you must get everyone away from me. You're all in grave danger. [SCREAMING] MAN 1: Let's get out of here.
MAN 2: Let's get out of here. Hold on, John. [SCREAMING] Stop, drop and roll, partner. Hang in there, we'll get this... [SCREAMING] He doesn't smoke. WOMAN: I think that guy's gonna jump. MAN 1: Does anybody know him? MAN 2: I don't know. - Can you see him? - Working on it, Lois. I think that guy works for our paper. [SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE] The bond issue should easily cover the budget shortfall... into the third quarter of our next fiscal year. [CELL PHONE RINGS] We all know the federal money was a one-time thing... to help boost the economy. CLARK: Hello? LOIS [OVER PHONE]: It's me. You know Henry Ackerdson? CLARK: Used to be White House beat, got downsized. - He was a good reporter. A real shame.
- It's about to be a bigger shame. He's going to jump off of the top of the Daily Planet. I'm on my way. MAN: That's far enough, Lantern. You make a move, any move, and that drill's coming down on their heads. You're not in a position to make a deal. Step away from the control panel... and you won't get hurt. There's no other way out of this. The shut-off is controlled from one of the other consoles. I'll tell you which one if you let me go. [GRUNTS] [YELLING] That bracelet trick always impresses me, but at least I got you once. [GROANS] WONDER WOMAN: You drugged me. Catch me if you can. WONDER WOMAN: It's not possible. - Wonder Woman. CHEETAH 2: Look, it's Wonder Woman. CHEETAH 3: It's Wonder Woman. CHEETAH 4: No way. CHEETAH 5: Wonder Woman. CHEETAH 6:
What's she doing here? CHEETAH 7: Wonder Woman. - Dude, she's so hot. - Is it really her? - Is that Wonder Woman? CHEETAH 8: Why is she looking at us like that? WOMAN: Hey, is that...? MAN: There he is! Mr. Ackerdson? May I call you Henry? Call me whatever you want. It doesn't matter. Nothing does. I'm going to have to disagree with you, sir. Everything matters. Everybody matters. Don't come any closer. I'll do it. I'm staying right here. I want you to get out of here as quickly as you can. Follow the light, it's a safe path back to the surface. - They've still got Carol. - Carol? From Bookkeeping. They took her hostage first. I'll get her out.
Go. [GUNFIRE] [ROARS] [PANTING] Help me. Don't hurt her. It'll do you no good. All your partners are captured, or worse. - All of them? - All of them. You've got no options. I've got one. [GROANS] No. [GRUNTING] I don't understand. Why didn't I disarm him? Why didn't I... '? Oh, no. I'm so sorry. WOMAN: She sort of looks like me, doesn't she? Carol? Yes. Her name was Carol too. She's beautiful, of course, and she has dark hair like mine. And the stench of your failure hanging over her. I didn't mean... You didn't mean to get all those people killed? You didn't mean to betray me, drive me into becoming this?
What didn't you mean, Hal? I don't know. I'm... Afraid? Afraid that you don't deserve to have so much power? That nobody does? Yes. I don't deserve this. Then I hope you have the decency to do what's right... and suffer for your many sins. [CRYING] You don't understand. I've been a newspaperman for 40 years. I started as a copyboy when I was 16. Always thought I'd be doing it until the day I died. Heh, guess I got that part right. There are other jobs Newspapers are dying. I spent my life fighting for the little guy, fighting for truth and justice. It isn't relevant any more. That's what some people say. But I've fought for the same things, even when they don't seem fashionable. It's a never-ending battle, but we can't quit. I'm not the man you think I am. I'm too weak to fight any more. You're stronger than you know, Mr. Ackerdson. [SIGHS] [GRUNTS] Kryptonite bullet. [SUPERMAN GROANING] METALLO:
Kryptonite heart. [ALL GRUNTING] [SCREAMING] [HAL SOBBING] [FLASH PANTING] [ALL GASP] WOMAN: No! BANE [ON RECORDING]: Hello, Bruce. Sorry I couldn '1' be there for this... but I have a rather large check to pick up. Payment for dealing with you. Oh, you were concerned about where I put your parents. Don't be. They're very close. [GASPS] Rest in peace. [BANE LAUGHING ON RECORDING] [BRUCE GRUNTING] [LEGION OF DOOM LAUGHING] BANE: It was easier than I thought. To victory. ALL: To victory. To the Legion of Doom. ALL: To the Legion of Doom. Wait. A further toast.
I've been trying to kill Batman for nearly 10 years. Well, this time, I did better than kill him... I humiliated him. Hear, hear. Each of us finally got the better of our opposite numbers... and it's all thanks to the genius of one man... Vandal Savage. METALLO: Yes, he's the man. BANE: Ha, ha, to the man. METALLO: And his checks clear. BANE: I love my money. [ALL LAUGHING] Our business is completed. You are, of course, free to go. You hinted at a larger scheme and said there would be a place for us in it... should we so choose. I did. And the offer remains open to you all. But I fear you may lack the vision to go along with me. The next stage of my plans might be considered... genocidal. What are you gonna do, destroy the world? Nothing so crude. Half. Two-thirds at the most. [KAUGHS] It's not a joke. It's the next step in a plan to transform the planet in a manner... that will render your $100-million payday both trivial and meaningless. What possible profit could there be in destroying the world?
The first thing you have to understand is that I am old. Older than the human race. I know that you believe this to be true. It is true. Eighty thousand years ago... I was living in what is now the island of Sumatra. One night, the sky lit up with streaks of fire Meteors. But my primitive mind thought the stars were falling from the sky. One meteor fell to Earth in my valley. My compatriots ran... but it was very cold and the glowing stone was warm. I slept there... bathed in the meteor's strange radiations. And when I awoke the next morning, I was forever changed. The radiation mutated me, evolving me. I was instantly aware of my increased intelligence. It was only with the passage of time that I discovered the rest of my gift. So far as I know, I cannot die. Is that a fact? Go ahead. [SAVAGE GRUNTS] - Why'd you do that? - Don't you realize what he's planning? In his new world, our money doesn't matter. [CHEETAH GASPS] You are correct. Money won't matter. It's trivial in the long run. [CHEETAH GRUNTS] Let me tell you about the long run. I've lived thousands of lives.
I've been a laborer, a scientist, a priest, an artist, a healer, a thief. But most often a conqueror. I'm still not seeing how this makes up for my money. SAVAGE: Seventy-five thousand years ago... a disaster nearly rendered humanity extinct. I enslaved the survivors and ruled with an iron hand. In a few generations... my people were well under way to repopulating the Earth... and becoming the planet's dominant species. I was happy then. You're taking the world over out of nostalgia? I'm taking over because humanity is prideful and belligerent... and once again needs my guiding hand. But before I take over, I intend to soften them up. By destroying half the world. Those who survive will happily follow a leader... who offers food, comfort and order. That could work. MA'ALEFA'AK: It will work. To you, my warlords, I offer dominion over as much of what remains of the planet... as each of you can hold, second only to me. Interested? You haven't left us much choice. Heh, how do you propose to kill that many people? Even without the Justice League, they will fight. They'll lose. [BEEPS] [DOORS OPEN] [BRUCE GRUNTING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] [GROANING] [BOTH GRUNTING] [ALL GRUNTING] [YELLS]
[PANTING] Why are you guys attacking Wonder Woman? Get out of my face, tin man. I've had enough trouble with superheroes today to last me a lifetime. Not as much as you're gonna have if you don't give me a straight answer. She was fighting the Cheetah, then suddenly started attacking everyone. We got the civilians out and the park sealed off... but we can't get near her. Look at her. She's having a seizure or something. [WONDER WOMAN PANTING] CYBORG: You could be right. Her pulse, blood pressure and respiration are off the charts. If she keeps going at that pace, she's gonna drop dead. That's not the worst outcome I can imagine right now. I'm gonna talk her down. Pull your men back. All officers, stand down and retreat to barriers. Repeat, stand down. You must be the real one. Whatever that weapon is, Cheetah, it won't work. It's a scanner. Something's happening to you. Did you just call me Cheetah? [BOTH GRUNT] [GROANS] She thinks I'm Cheetah. [WONDER WOMAN YELLS] [BOTH GRUNTING] [SCREAMS]
[PANTING] Wonder Woman, just listen for a minute. Whatever it looks like, I'm not Cheetah. Think about it. All those dozens of Cheetahs you saw, how is that possible? I don't know. I think I do. My sensors have detected a cluster of nanomachines... attached to your brain stem. They're broadcasting into your visual and auditory centers... making you see whatever Cheetah wants you to. - It could be. - It is. She knows you'll never quit a fight. You're supposed to keep going until your heart gives out... or you have an aneurism, or a cop gets lucky and shoots you. I've identified the frequency. I'm gonna broadcast inter... No! [BOTH GRUNTING] I'm sorry you forced me to do this, Cheetah. Let's get you some medical attention. [SCREAMS] After you. [WONDER WOMAN GROANS] [SCREAMING] Cyborg? That's me, all right. You wanna tell me what the hell is going on here? Where have you been? When I saw the grave restored, I assumed you'd gone after... Later. I'm busy.
Bruce, Superman's been shot. MAN [ON TV]: Surgeons bought to the scene have been unable to operate. Superman's invulnerable flesh has thus far resisted all attempts to cut... Flash, listen carefully. Go to S.T.A.R. Labs Kyoto... and have them forge a piece of kryptonite into a scalpel. Bring it... Can't help you. I've got a bomb bolted to my wrist. If I stop... - It'll explode. - Yeah. I'm starting to get tired. I'll have to try something soon. Keep running. I'll call back when I can. How did you know what was happening to Flash? J'onn, I need your help. J'onn? [ALL SCREAMING] J'onn? J'onn! [SCREAMING] It's Batman. What's happening? J'ONN JONNZ: Batman! I'm still burning! BRUCE: Get the Batwing ready.
The Justice League is under attack. 'BY Whom? 'BY me. BATMAN [OVER RADIO]: Batman to Justice League. Wonder Woman here. - Are you all right? - I am now. I'm with Cyborg. Bring him. The plans don't account for him. He could be the key. WONDER WOMAN: Key to what? What's going on, Batman? Do you know something? BATMAN: The Justice League is in extreme danger. You don't say. Listen, I can't keep running. I think I can vibrate... No. It won't work. You have to trust me. FLASH: You got a better idea? Slightly. How far away are you from an iceberg? I'm never far from anything. You think that'll slow it down enough?
- Just. But you make one misstep... - Got it. At least if it doesn't work, nobody dies but me. [J'ONN JONNZ GROANING] [GASPS] [BEEPING] Argh! Flash. Flash, are you okay? Not the way I would have bet two seconds ago, but, yeah, I'm fine. Now, everyone, listen very carefully. We can still save Superman and Green Lantern... if you do exactly what I say. [GROANS] How are you feeling? Fine. You injected me with aluminum oxide? On Batman's instruction. Interesting. It's harmless to my martian physiology... but ideal for neutralizing the magnesium I was secreting. How did he know? We'll ask him when we see him. Right now, you have to prep for surgery. [RUMBLING] BATMAN: Hal. Hal, listen to me. However it looks, this wasn't your fault. Who's fault was it, then? I was the one with the most powerful weapon in the universe.
I was the one whose arrogance led to this girl's death. I know more than a little about arrogance. I also know about dead bodies, and that isn't one. She's a sophisticated android. They all were. The entire scenario was created to convince you that you made a bad call. But you didn't. - I was afraid that... - No. You weren't afraid. Not really. You were dosed with a synthesized version of the Scarecrow's fear gas... because will is the source of your strength. And fear is the enemy of will. BATMAN: I've got the antidote to the fear gas. Don't need it. GREEN LANTERN: Robots, advanced drugs, psychological profiling. No way Star Sapphire came up with this on her own. I did this to you. To all of you. [PANTING] You want me to perform surgery on him? You're the only one who can. Flash is at S.T.A.R. Labs Kyoto... waiting for them to finish making a kryptonite scalpel. Nothing else can out his skin. WONDER WOMAN: But we've run out of time. Your shape shifting powers are his best hope. This can work.

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