text stringlengths 21 20.4k |
|---|
I had to move Reb out of town before those yahoos found out we was just play-acting.
Besides, I was afraid that getup you're wearing might start more shooting.
- Preposterous.
- It sure is.
I'm speaking of your dereliction of duty.
I'm informed...
You're informed?
And who or what might you be?
- My name is Weatherby, B... |
You know them?
I've never seen them.
These are orders, Hickok.
Your patriotic duty demands...
Sonny, there are duty scars all over my hide.
From now on, folks are gonna buy tickets just to look at them on the stage of a theater.
You mean you're going to be an actor?
Why not?
You're what marshaling has petered down to.
... |
You're branded as an outlaw, a Southern guerrilla.
Though I can see merit in what Mr. Hickok says.
Heaven knows you're more capable than I, but...
- Oh, to make you my deputy.
- You still haven't got the hang of it.
I beg your pardon?
I'm not gonna be your deputy.
You're gonna be mine.
You're not known in Dallas.
Neit... |
You're lucky I stomached you this far.
But that's the way it's got to be.
You're me, but I'm not you.
And...
And when you're talking to me, you're talking to yourself.
When I'm speaking to you it's not me I'm speaking to, it's...
It's you.
Well, anyhow, you get the idea.
Anyway, I hope I can pass for a railroading We... |
Follow me, senores.
Don Felipe.
- This isn't the reception I'd expected.
- You are strangers.
I hope Tonia's more pleased to see me than her father.
- Now, wait a minute...
- Antonia?
Then you...
You are Martin?
Do forgive me.
You would be welcome under any circumstances.
But coming as you do, the marshal of the Uni... |
- Tonia.
Tonia.
- Tonia, dear Tonia.
- Martin.
No, no, no.
Leave them alone un momento together.
You are Tonia, aren't you?
- Who are you?
- Well, I'm not Martin.
I know that.
But on the other hand, I am Martin.
Martin's my brother.
Hey, Daniel.
Come in here.
Oh, Tonia, darling.
Martin, why have you brought this craz... |
This I can understand.
For your information, I'll soon have fewer.
My interest in these parts is the Marlow brothers.
My family must be told who you are.
They can be trusted.
That gringo-loving brother of yours?
Don't mislead yourself, young lady.
No gringo could be his friend.
Tonia, you must trust him.
He's come here... |
- Howdy.
What's your undoing, gents?
- Straight Kentucky.
I never drink before 5.
Set that glass right-side up.
- Why?
- Like I told you, turn it over.
By Godfrey, another one wanting to lick every man in town.
- I said nothing of the sort.
- You turned your glass upside down.
- Let me cool this one.
- Wait, Dan.
Don... |
Hey, folks.
New marshal's here.
What'd you say your name was, marshal?
Weatherby.
Why?
Seems to me I've seen you before.
You haven't.
Coulter's my name, Bar W Ranch.
Welcome, marshal.
Welcome.
I'm Judge Harper of the federal district.
You haul in the culprits, marshal.
He'll jail them.
When the evidence warrants it,... |
Well, I'll speak to Will Marlow about it.
Your judge here seems to think he's a model citizen.
If you're gonna fool around over there, you better take Dirty here with you.
Yeah.
He ought to be marshal.
He sure ought to.
I told you to keep your mud tracks out of Dallas.
Now you're here, and you even dragged these pack ... |
Where is he?
Hickok?
He's retired.
He's on his way east to do some play-acting.
No, Hollister, Reb Hollister.
Where is he?
- Oh, he's dead.
- Come on, we'd better get out of here.
- You sure?
- Hickok had it all his own way.
I just happened to be there when Hollister was laid out cold.
This calls for a bottle of bond... |
Been to Georgia lately, Mr. Marlow?
I've never been in Georgia.
- You have, Bryant.
- That ain't Bryant.
Meet Jason Trask, my handy boy.
- Well, here's to Bill Hickok.
- Here's to all good marshals.
You're doing your duty when you hunt the likes of my brother Bryant.
You know, Mr. Weatherby here's likely to be the ruin... |
- What happened up there?
- I just spent 10,000 of your money.
Cullen, get that dude!
Keep a keen eye, Dirty.
You did this to Cullen.
You're tempting me, Bryant, every second you're in my sight.
Come out of there, all of you, with your fingers in your ears!
Wired trigger.
Bryant Marlow's gun.
I should've known that.
M... |
We had to be.
What a brave one.
The valiente who was to remove the Marlows.
You had your chance at Will.
Why didn't you shoot first and ask questions afterwards?
- Or is it that you're afraid?
- Luis.
- Go from this room.
- Let the little scorpion stay.
He's right.
I was afraid.
Afraid I'd die and leave Bryant Marlow ... |
But learning to shoot like Mr. Hickok won't help if you get sunstroke.
Here.
Duck!
Here comes Will.
Welcome, brother.
You can take over now.
I've had me a bellyful of this coyote music and I ain't just a bird cooing.
You'll stay here and like it.
That marshal's after you so you pull a murder for an introduction.
Harper... |
That's why I could give evidence against you.
But you're the only one that could.
She can now.
Can you handle her?
You'd better mind, Will.
We don't want no Cains or Abels on our souls.
- No Lot's wife either.
- Take it easy.
- Nobody has to get hurt.
- Except that marshal.
And I'll take care of him.
Last time you tri... |
- Lf I succeed...
- Have you told him?
Oh, no.
Nor can you.
Hopes can be brutal, Tonia if they don't materialize.
How's things in Dallas?
I saw Senora Walters.
She will do as you say.
And Bryant Marlow?
Like you, he stays out of sight.
Thanks for the loan of your horse.
- Where are you going?
- Hunting.
- You're not w... |
Small pumpkins maybe, compared to the railroading Weatherbys, but it set well.
It meant "cotton."
I been talking in my sleep.
Soil around here would grow better cotton than ever came out of Georgia.
- You ought to put a bug in Felipe's ear.
- I've got a bug in my own.
I want to get a railroad headed this way.
This is a... |
He's bringing a bill of sale out tonight, made for me to sign away Bill's leavings.
- Where?
- At my house, right outside of Dallas.
- Well, I'll go with you.
- Bless you.
- Who was it?
- Senora Walters.
Senora Walters?
Impossible.
I just left her in Dallas.
- Then who...?
- I don't know.
Carlos. ...call the vaqueros.... |
You shoot, and you will draw them in here.
Let them chase an empty saddle.
Slippery as a greased hog, ain't you?
But it ain't gonna gain you nothing.
Pop that gun off, it'll cost you $ 10,000.
- What are you talking about?
- The town hall.
I posted my cashier's check with the bank.
Will gets it when he comes in with th... |
Reno.
Gerry, you and Bill circle this thicket here.
Rest of you, fan out but don't let him get away.
Reno, boy.
Reno.
Reno.
Hey, fellas, Reno throwed him!
He's afoot!
Come on, root him out!
Hey.
Hey!
Help!
Get over here!
Think you're smart, don't you?
Hey, you fellas, get over here!
Hey!
Hey, you fellas, get in here.... |
Evening, Matt.
Evening, Mr. Marlow.
- Evening, judge.
- Oh, just call him Will.
I was telling Mr. Marlow about our idea.
We got to have a go-getter for mayor.
Oh, indubitably.
In a city such as ours, we'll need lights pavements indoor water closets.
Oh, good evening, marshal.
Pour yourself some spirits.
- Good evening... |
He had a.44 halfway down my gullet.
- You drilled him.
- He shot the guns right off me.
I had to talk my way out.
He let you...?
Praise heaven he saw the light.
No man wants his brother to have a killing on his soul.
Interesting thing is how I talked my way out.
He didn't know I'd bought the Chuckaway any more than you... |
I'm authorizing you to announce my reward:
Two thousand dollars for Bryant Marlow.
- Dead or alive.
- I guess I ought to be man enough to say I'm wrong, Mr. Marlow.
Thank you, marshal.
Thank you, gentlemen, one and all.
Good night, Matt.
He's gonna make a good mayor.
I wish it was Saturday night so I could take a bath.... |
You fellas stay covered up inside them rocks and you can pick them all off as they come.
Oh, Reb.
Reb.
You've come back.
You're safe.
- Where's Martin?
- In town.
He and Luis were out all night with Father and the vaqueros.
- They're still searching for you.
- They shouldn't have left you here alone.
I'm going to Dal... |
I'm a wanted criminal.
Yes, I know that.
Martin told you?
Why?
Was he afraid I'd forget?
You haven't answered my question.
What about you?
I've answered it.
Forget me.
- You don't mean that.
- I do mean it.
I have to mean it.
A long time ago, it might have been different.
You wouldn't have been engaged to Martin.
I w... |
I'm going with him.
You're staying here, where you belong.
Didn't expect to find you here.
Thought you'd be waiting in Dallas for Bryant.
Bryant will think that too.
Or else he'll expect me to organize a posse to come after him.
By night, his nerves will get the best of him and he'll come in to see what I am doing.
You... |
- I must...
- Tonia, he has it the way he wants it.
What do you mean?
Remember what I said about the brutality of hope?
There's to be no pardon.
He's still a wanted man.
Maybe I'm not as smart as I figured.
Maybe Bryant's not coming in.
Will's not gone to him.
I've been thinking.
We ain't the kind to get quite so popul... |
I know the rest.
Glad you do, marshal.
We'd be pleased if you'd make this your native land too.
You're not talking about me.
You're talking about a tin badge and the Weatherby checkbook.
Besides, I'm sitting on a short fuse.
Hear you all got cotton dirt around here.
Pick your half-section, settler.
Come far?
Through c... |
That settler seemed to know you.
Don't go probing, judge.
That short fuse is about to blow me out of town.
How did Will Marlow get away?
Will?
He's in his office.
He just passed me riding south like the hounds of Hades was on his tail.
South?
Then he's not going to Bryant.
You see a man come out of that building?
I d... |
We're drinking to old Reb.
Good idea!
- Warrant?
- Yes, it was his warrant.
Reb Hollister.
This is impossible.
How could he have come here as...?
Did you know this?
Sure I knew.
That's why I put my chips on Dallas.
But, judge, how can you be so vindictive?
Yesterday he was your hero, and today he's an outlaw.
And he's... |
It must be reported to the Attorney General.
- Reb's no criminal.
- No criminal?
Here's direct evidence.
This is of later origin.
It came yesterday.
Pardon?
On what grounds?
Service as a United States Marshal.
Have you forgotten he killed Cullen, stopped the cattle raids and now killed Bryant?
You had this and didn't t... |
His name's not Abernathy.
It's Will Marlow.
He'll be heading back for Dallas.
Take it easy, fella.
Judge Tomkins will see you Monday morning.
Tell your tale of woe to him.
- Monday morning?
- Monday morning.
Well, that's four...
I can't...
Make yourself comfortable, boy.
You ain't gonna do nothing on that chair noho... |
You've stolen our cattle.
We haven't enough left to raise the money.
Get it.
Tonight?
Where?
Weatherby.
He'll give you the 25,000.
- You get nothing!
- Would you...?
But you don't tell Weatherby why you want it.
You do and you'll get your pups back in gunnysacks.
But what can I say?
You didn't find any trouble thinkin... |
We'll get you out of the building.
Halt.
On your horses!
Hurry up!
All right, men.
Burt, Curly, pick up that wagon.
Rest of you boys follow me.
But, Mr. Robles, there isn't $25,000 cash in the whole town.
- There must be.
- But why do you want it?
Don't ask me.
Don't ask me anything.
And say nothing to those you talk... |
Oh, Mr. Robles.
Keep your eyes peeled for old Robles.
If he's not alone, tell the men to start shooting.
- Where's Will Marlow?
- Thought you were following him.
He outfoxed me.
Got me jugged over in Fort Worth.
Means he'll double back here.
He has doubled back.
That's why Felipe wanted the money.
What money?
Well, he ... |
I can try.
Bring them along.
Well, your pa will be back in a minute or two.
Be a comfort to you.
Three of you, tied up together.
You're making a noose for your neck.
This house will tell its secrets.
Ashes don't tell secrets.
Hollister learned that in Georgia.
Robles is coming!
Robles is coming.
Robles is coming.
He's ... |
And then I'll kill you.
Barehand.
Like I dreamed of killing Bry...
And all the time it was you that lit the flame.
Keep away from the window, Will.
You make too good a target.
Did you really think the ashes would cover for you, Will?
That's your last bullet.
Where's Tonia and Luis?
I didn't hurt them.
They're upstairs.... |
- Antonia, Luis.
Where are they?
- Upstairs.
Will Marlow.
He's the wanted one.
Antonia.
Luis.
Antonia.
Tonia.
Reb.
Oh, Reb.
Oh, Reb.
Well you won my bet for me.
- What?
Tin-badge bet, remember?
You couldn't finish Marlow off, could you?
You had your chance, but you couldn't do it.
That oath you took as marshal crowd... |
That Yankee foreigner's talking American.
So are you.
{{{ the end }}}
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
BEEFEATER:
Admiral Collingwood!
Well, Admiral?
Great news, Your Majesty!
The French are defeated at last.
Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese and the Welsh.
Then our navy rules the ocean.
Almost entirely, Your Majesty... |
It's the cutlasses!
Looting!
Cutlasses!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Looting!
(PUNCH SMACKS)
Oh!
(ACCORDION CLANKS)
(SCREAMS)
(PIRATES GRUNTING)
(PIRATES GASP) (ALL QUIET)
Sorry, Captain.
We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate.
Oh, YOU were, were you?
I suggested it might be the looting.
Whereas I contend... |
(CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
PIRATE:
On your nose.
Go, Captain.
Go, Captain.
Hey!
Hey!
(PANTS RIP) Ooh!
(MUSIC ENDS)
It's like a meat ballet.
To Ham Night!
Ham!
And to the Pirate Captain!
Pirate Captain!
Pirate Captain!
(CHEERING)
How was that, Number Two?
You've still got it, Captain.
I'd take a... |
That's what it is.
(CHEERING) ...there's a crew of briny rogues.
Briny rogues!
Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.
Will you get away with ya?
Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate.
And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat.
But you're still the best crew a captain ... |
By order of the Pirate King himself... (ALL GASP)
(DRUMROLL)
(GAS PS)
The Pirate of the Year Awards?
(HIGH-PITCHED) Are you going to... (DEEP VOICE) Are you going to enter again?
That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate.
I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last... 20 year.
20 years, yeah.
Exactly, Pirate wit... |
J' Back with milady and the fires burnt tall
J' "Hoorah" went the men down below
J' All outside was the rain and snow
(SCREAMS)
?
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah
J' Over the hill (CANNONS BOOMING)
J' Came the swords of a thousand men
(LAUGHING AND HOOTING)
J' We had to meet the enemy a mile away
J' Thunder in the air and... |
(HORN HONKS MUSICALLY) (GRUNTS)
(SHIP CREAKING)
J' Hear our triumph, hear our roar
J' We're gonna drink a barrel and much, much more
?
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah
Ha!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
J' Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men
(REVERSE ALARM CHIRPING)
(GASPING)
?
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah
Yeah!
(SCREAMS... |
Thank you.
Now, let's see.
"Booty"?
Oh, yes.
"Roaring." Check.
Shanties.
I shall put "rousing."
"Beard"?
Luxuriant.
Obviously.
Duh.
Do you think I should sign it in blood?
Make it more dramatic?
Might be a bit on the showy side.
Bit too much.
You might be right.
Pirate Captain.
You can't lose, Captain.
I'd bet my face... |
(ALL GASP)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
Don't worry, sir.
He's all flash and no bang.
(EXPLOSION BOOMS)
(BLOWS)
ALBINO PIRATE:
Ah, Cutlass Liz.
The Butcher of Barbados.
Hello, boys.
Whoa.
You're probably all wondering if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful.
(GRUNTS)
Well, I am.
Hello, Cutlass, you trollop.
Peg-Leg, y... |
(BOTH GASP)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)
(CHEERING)
Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants.
Black Bellamy.
(CHEERING) (GUNSHOT)
(BELL DINGING)
Roar!
Read it and weep, ya coves!
That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year.
Again.
How are you?
Good to see you.
Grog for everybody!
(CHEERING) Grog for everyb... |
Peg-Leg.
Didn't notice you come in.
(LAUGHS)
The beard's looking great, my man.
And I see that you're more wanted than ever.
(GUFFAWING, MOCKING LAUGHTER)
Come on, everybody, be nice.
Give him a break.
Bring it down a little bit.
All right.
Seriously, Captain, how's the pirating business treating you?
Yeah, yeah, brill... |
Captain?
Oh, that's nothing.
Could I possibly have that back?
Hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait.
Thank you.
"Pirate of the Year"?
(LAUGHTER)
You're entering Pirate of the Year?
No, no, no, no, no.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, yes.
Again?
Yes!
(LAUGHTER) BOTH:
Ooh!
Come on.
Listen, did they change the rules?
I mean, I always thought the... |
The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
You'll see, you'll see.
I will be Pirate of the Year.
Oh, yes.
And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces.
Yes.
And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do.
Come on, lads.
(LAUGHTER)
Well... (CLEARS THROAT)
All right, ... |
(CLAMORING)
Fire those long things that go bang.
Fire cannons four and six!
(CHEERING)
Eat cannonball, lubbers.
(SQUAWKING)
Here we go, lads!
Look and learn.
Yee-haw!
(CHEERING)
Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!
Avast!
I'm the Pirate Captain.
And I'm here for your gold.
Gold?
This is a plague boat, old man.
I'd give my righ... |
Pirate Captain.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold.
Ghost ship.
(ALL WAILING)
(SINISTER LAUGH)
Sorry.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mmm.
Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice.
Do you want to give the order to attack?
No, not really, Number Two.
No, I think I've...
Think I had enough of piracy.
I'm hanging up m... |
(STAMMERING) Pirate of the Year?
It's just commercialized nonsense.
Real piracy isn't about trophies.
It's about fighting up staircases backwards.
It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth.
Beard glossiness!
And think about all the adventures we've had.
Our adventure with Aztecs.
Our adventure with that ... |
Arrr!
By Neptune, where's that ship?
MAN:
Ooh!
This is the one, lads!
(PIRATES GASP)
Ninth time lucky!
I can feel it in my beard!
Well, don't just sit there like lemons!
Hoist the flag!
Standard, sir?
Or extra gruesome?
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Extra gruesome!
Let's make their gizzards shake.
(CHEERING)
DARWIN:
Journal of Cha... |
(CHUCKLES)
Avast!
I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.
(GAS PS)
(STAMMERS) I haven't got any gold.
No gold, eh?
Then what, might I ask, is this?
It's a baboon's kidney.
Is it?
Oh.
And what about this?
Oh, it's another baboon's kidney.
(GAS PS)
We searched the hold, Captain.
And?
Just creatures.
Bits of ... |
(GAS PS)
No?
No!
(GASPS) No.
Oh, but you try telling that to the universe.
Just once, just once for things to go right.
Just...
Just once.
So, are we done here?
(WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY)
DARWIN:
Dear Diary, about to meet a watery grave.
NUMBER TWO:
It's nothing personal, you understand.
It's just...
It's been a tough ... |
She's just big-boned!
No, she's not.
I mean...
I mean, she's not a parrot.
Not a parrot?
What's he on about, old girl?
She's...
She's...
She's the scientific discovery of our age!
She's a... (PLANK THUMPS, DARWIN SCREAMS)
(SPLASH) Huh?
Sorry.
It's just, that's my favorite bit.
(CHIRPING)
A dodo, you say?
They've be... |
Oh.
(GRUNTING)
It's such a missed opportunity.
If I could've presented her in London to the Royal Society at their annual science show... (CHUCKLES) No question of that, I'm afraid.
She'd have been an absolute sensation.
Yeah, well, can't be helped.
And of course a shoo-in for the top prize.
Prize?
For best scientific ... |
Captain, do you remember the little talk we had?
The one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit?
No.
No.
The one about us trying to avoid harebrained schemes that end in us facing certain death.
You heard the man, Number Two.
"Untold riches."
Here's the plan.
We go to London, Polly wins this science show thing... |
(GIGGLING)
J' Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls
J' London calling, see, we ain't got no high
?
'Cept for that one with the yellowy eyes
J' Now get this
J' London calling, yes, I was there, too
J' And you know what they said?
Well, some of it was true
J' London calling at the top of the dial
J' And after all... |
Goodness me!
I haven't seen you since that business in Madagascar.
Ah, yes.
I could've sworn they were girls.
You're looking well, Morgan.
Yeah, lost a bit of weight.
What are you up to these days?
Oh, you know, this and that.
Yeah, just gonna enter a science competition, actually.
Ah!
Good luck with that.
Yeah, than... |
You?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science.
But you can't.
I mean, the streets of London are no place for pirates.
Pirates?
What pirates?
(GAS PS)
Nobody here but us Girl Guides.
Yes!
I've got a badge for looting.
We're not really Girl Guides.
It's us, the pirates.
We're masters of di... |
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Here we are.
Home, sweet home.
You don't get many women back here, do you, Charles?
People who live alone are always serial killers.
(GAS PS)
(GAS PS)
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Sweet Neptune on a bike!
DARWIN:
Oh, don't mind Mr. Bobo.
Just an old project of mine.
Project?
Yeah, I had this theory.
I thought that if... |
You know what to do.
Wait until the bearded idiot is asleep, then sneak into his room and...
Shh!
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Captain.
It's...
It's Mr. Darwin, sir.
I'm sure he's up to no good.
Oh, honestly, Number Two, what's got into you?
Thanks to Charles, we're about to win lavish untold riches, and he... |
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(GRUNTING SOFTLY)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, our winner.
Give it up for the Pirate Captain!
Congratulations, Pirate Captain.
Nobody deserves this more than you.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks, Cutlass.
And that beard of yours, (GASPS) it drives me crazy.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(GAS PS)
(LAUGHING)
Give it here.
(... |
Number Two, are you all right?
(GAS PS)
Unhand that dodo!
Whoa!
(SCREAMS)
(GAS PS)
Evening, Captain.
(FLOORBOARDS CREAKING, CRACKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(WATCH TICKING)
(THUDDING, CLATTERING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GAS PS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Oh, Number Two!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS) We're under attack!
Abando... |
Got you!
Are you all right, girl?
Captain!
I mean, what's going on?
Don't play the innocent.
You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly.
Steal Polly?
Oh, dear me, no, you're mistaken.
Then how do you explain this?
(DOOR CREAKS)
Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it?
Is it?
Some jealous rival scienti... |
Eh?
Mmm.
It's strictly scientists only, you see.
I'll just have to present Polly myself.
We're not really scientists.
It's us, the pirates.
See?
(CHUCKLES) Masters of disguise.
But where's Polly?
That is on a need-to-know basis from here on in, Charles.
Pardon?
I am keeping her hidden.
That shadowy figure could be any... |
First on your left.
The balloon of my airship contains 20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
(GASPS)
Just here, you will notice the open log fire to ensure a comfortable temperature at higher altitudes.
(PEOPLE GRUNT) Ooh!
Captain?
Captain, Captain, please.
You can't possibly appear on stage without Poll... |
(GROWLS)
(GAS PS)
(WHIMPERS)
(SCREAMS)
Look, it's the captain.
Captain!
Captain!
Shh!
Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks,
(GROANS) prepare to be confounded.
Prepare to be amazed.
Prepare to...
Oh-ho, wait a second.
What's this?
(CLEARS THROAT)
What's this?
Stop!
(CLEARS THROAT)
I am the world's leading doctor, and ... |
Here's Polly!
(CROWD GAS PS)
MAN:
It's a dodo.
(GAS PS)
By Jove.
That is astounding!
(CHEERING)
(SIGHS)
(METER muss)
(GASPS, SIGHS WEAKLY)
(METER muss)
An actual dodo!
Makes electricity look like a pile of crap.
(LIGHT BULB CRACKLING WITH ELECTRICITY)
MAN:
The Royal Society's prize for best scientific discovery...
Oh,... |
You also get this leather-bound set of encyclopedias.
Excuse me just one moment.
Thank you.
(GROANS)
Okay, Chuck.
Now, I like encyclopedias as much as the next man, but they're not exactly gonna help me win Pirate of the Year, are they?
(GLASS SHATTERS) Where's the booty?
Booty?
What booty?
The prize!
The "untold ric... |
I'm using "crew" in the street sense.
Yo.
And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty.
I helped find the dodo.
Yes, whatever.
But where has your delightful creature disappeared to?
Resting, ma'am.
Hidden away.
I only let her out for the big performance, I'm afraid.
In case sinister forces should try to make off with her, you ... |
Mixing stuff together.
You know, test tube tubing and Bunsen burning.
See?
(GRUNTS)
(MEN GASPING)
He's no scientist!
He's a Girl Guide!
Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
(MEN GASPING)
He's no Girl Guide!
He's a pirate!
BOTH:
Pirate!
Hang on, hang on.
There's been some kind of mistake.
Some... (GRUNTS)
Some silly mistake Whoa, laddies!... |
They call me the Pirate Captain.
Well, Pirate Captain, we hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes.
(APPLAUSE)
(MEN GASP)
You will stay in London, Pirate Captain, and entertain us with your stories and your wit.
And especially your dear little dodo.
Hell's barnacles.
Can we please get out of here now?
That was a bit ... |
I most certainly am.
You've let me down badly, Charles.
Look!
Look!
Also, to be frank...
Captain your nose is too small for your face.
But you're the toast of London Town.
Oh, I say, look at that.
Ooh!
They've really captured my eyes.
We were hoping you might come out for a little celebration before you go.
(PEOPLE CH... |
Captain...
Cheers!
Good evening.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Captain...
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
And your name is?
DARWIN:
Miss Jane Austen.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(ANCHOR CLANKS) (MAN SCREAMS)
(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
And that, and that is why, in a straight fight, a shark would probab... |
Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Cheers.
Do you know what I've discovered, Charles?
The friends you make after you've become famous are better, truer friends than the ones you've had for years beforehand.
So very wise.
But the lads will think I'm a fool.
No.
A fool, you?
Oh.
You're an intellectual giant.
Just... |
Oh.
What the...
What's the monkey-man playing at?
(CHUCKLES)
This patently isn't even a real... (SCREAMS)
(GAS PS)
(GAS PS)
Come back here, you lubbers!
(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
(SCREAMS)
Sorry, Your Reverence.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(CHICKENS SQUAWKING) (PIG SNORTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GAS PS)
(GRUNTING)
Aha!
Got you, you ro... |
There's this girl.
I'm hopelessly smitten with her.
I'm listening.
I know how partial she is to exotic animals, and I thought if I could get her the dodo, then she might like me.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
(SOBBING)
Why didn't you say so?
We've all done stupid things to impress girls.
Yeah, you should act aloof.
They love it ... |
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
(CAT SHRIEKS)
Oh.
(GAS PS)
Listen, Captain, I can see I've gone about this all wrong.
You see, I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman,
(KEYPAD BUZZING) (HISSING) but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo.
I seem to recall that you piratical types have a ... |
Are you going to do the right thing?
J' I'm sailing out on the ocean
J' Out on the deep blue sea J' 20 minutes, he said.
Didn't he say 20 minutes?
Don't worry, lads.
He probably just got caught up,
(EXHALING) you know, battling a giant squid or something.
(PIRATES SIGH)
(GASPS) (RUMBLING AND RATTLING)
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
W... |
(CHEERING)
Set a course for Blood Island!
(FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND POPPING)
ANNOUNCER ON MIC:
Avast, me hearties!
And welcome to the 59th Annual Pirate of the Year Awards!
(CHEERING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNFIRE)
(CHUCKLES)
This is the ticket, eh, Number Two?
Oh, please, please, please, can't Polly come out now?
(ST... |
And now, you swabs, this is the big one.
(PIRATES EXCLAIMING IN AWE)
The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows:
Black Bellamy.
(APPLAUSE)
Cutlass Liz.
Peg-Leg Hastings.
And a surprise late entry, the Pirate Captain!
(PIRATES CHEERING)
The panel of independent judges have counted each pirate's booty and declare... |
So what if she did?
BELLAMY:
If you've been pardoned then, technically, you're no longer a pirate.
And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year, now, can you?
No, you can't!
That's right!
Is this true?
(STUTTERING) Well, that's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.
(SHUDDERS)
V... |
Not a total success.
We don't need them and their stupid awards.
The best thing about being a pirate isn't the treasure.
It's the cutlasses.
It's Ham Night.
It's Polly.
Where is Polly, Captain?
(CHUCKLES) What do you mean?
You know where she is.
She's been upset enough.
(SIGHS) Captain...
Oh... (GRUNTS)
Okay, Okay.
(PI... |
Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere tropical with those native ladies whose outfits don't leave much to the imagination.
(CHUCKLES)
Looks like it's just you and me now, eh, Number Two?
(CHUCKLES)
Good old inseparable you and me.
Us two against the world, eh?
Yeah?
Like serrano ham and, you know, that other kind of ... |
J' You don't know who is dying, that's right, dying
J' These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me
J' I've just been cutting onions
J' I'm making a lasagna
J' For one
J' Oh, I'm not crying
?
No
J' I'm not upset because you left me this way
?
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
J' They've been looking ar... |
But where's Polly?
Why isn't she in her cage?
Oh, it's too horrible.
"Banquet for world leaders"?
I've been a fool for love.
Victoria never wanted Polly for her petting zoo.
"Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout,
"Panda Face Fritters"?
I've discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible secret dining society.
Kings, qu... |
Oh, I say.
Well, pah!
We can do without the monkey-man.
Sorry, what was that about slugs?
No time for that now Come on.
J' Ready, said are you ready to go?
J' Said are you ready?
Prepare to be boarded, nerds.
J' Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop
J' Ranking Full Stop
J' That is my name and I would really, really say
J' Ful... |
J' Said are you ready?
J' Said are you ready to stop?
I said stop
J' I'm dead J'
(PANTING)
Neptune's nostrils.
Not a thing.
Where the devil can she be?
Uh, Captain?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Pedal faster, Chuck!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
DARWIN:
But how on earth do we get on board?
This might sting a bit.
(STUTTERS) I really don't... (... |
Gaston?
Are you there?
Oui, Your Majesty.
Gaston, I think we're ready.
Neptune's teeth.
There's not a moment to lose.
We've got to find that kitchen.
But it's hopeless.
Where do we even start to...
Shh, shh.
So that's why I reckon, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula.
No!
Course, a Frankenstein... |
Are you all right, Charles?
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
GUARD:
Hey, you there!
What are you doing here?
Ah!
Well, now.
Excellent question.
All exotic animals should have been delivered to the chef by now.
What?
What is it?
Some sort of duck?
Oh.
Yes, yes.
That's it, yes.
(GRUNTS)
(MUFFLED) Quack, quack.
Hurry up, then.
Kitch... |
I will never, ever leave you again.
I promise.
(GRUNTING) I will never leave you.
(SIGHING)
Perhaps we'd best make a move.
Hmm?
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
Back to the balloon.
QUEEN VICTORIA:
Gaston?
Gaston?
(BLOWING AIR THROUGH PIPE)
Hello ?
Captain.
No.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello, Your Majesty.
The dod... |
A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the...
Zut alors!
Well, well.
Pirate Captain.
Here you are again.
And...
Oh. my-
Is that Mr. Darwin behind those feathers?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hello.
What a delightfully unexpected surprise.
You know, I think, secretly... (GIGGLES) ...I've always loved you, Charles.
Gosh.
Really?
... |
Beard envy?
It's because you're out-of-date.
You're dinosaurs!
All that "romance of the seas" guff!
Aha!
Oh.
(SQUAWKS)
(GRUNTS)
Right, where were we?
(GASPING)
Look at you.
You should be extinct.
(YELLS)
Along with your little friend!
(GRUNTS)
(GAS PS)
(SCREAMS)
(GROWLS)
(YELLING)
Pity you can't eat pirates, really.
(S... |
Sorry, Vickie.
Dodo is off the menu.
Eh?
(GASPS)
(GASPING)
Oh, no, no, stop!
Stop!
(SCREAMS)
Stop!
I'm being squashed by giant barrels of vinegar!
(GASPS AND GRUNTS)
Good work, Chuck.
Number Two, what are you doing here?
How did you find me?
Where are the lads?
Don't worry, they're on the case.
(PIRATES LAUGHING)
It's... |
Sorry.
I let everybody down.
You know, I've...
Well, I've done some pretty appalling things in my piratical career. (CHUCKLES)
Like that time I used babies as squid bait.
Or that other time I thought it would be okay to let a turtle drive the boat.
But the thing is...
I mean, what I'm trying to say is...
You decided to... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.