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I had to move Reb out of town before those yahoos found out we was just play-acting. Besides, I was afraid that getup you're wearing might start more shooting. - Preposterous. - It sure is. I'm speaking of your dereliction of duty. I'm informed... You're informed? And who or what might you be? - My name is Weatherby, Boston. - He's a United States Marshal. - It ain't possible. - On the contrary, I have a... - Hit something. - Wh...? What for? Well, Bill's a man that needs convincing. Marshal, I'm glad I met you while you were still with us. You're gonna be the shortest-lived marshal on record. As I tried to explain this afternoon, I have a letter from the Attorney General. You're to accompany me to Dallas County, in Texas. Brigands are terrorizing the district. - Brothers. - What's their name? Is it the Marlow brothers? Well, yes. Yes, that's it. Evidently, a poetic family. There's a Bryant Marlow, a William Marlow, and a Longfellow. - Cullen? - Yes, that's it.
You know them? I've never seen them. These are orders, Hickok. Your patriotic duty demands... Sonny, there are duty scars all over my hide. From now on, folks are gonna buy tickets just to look at them on the stage of a theater. You mean you're going to be an actor? Why not? You're what marshaling has petered down to. Folks will be glad to pay to see the genuine, hairy specimen. Happy hunting, marshal. The law is in your purty hand. Marshal, this... This outlaw. If you don't arrest him, I shall. Outlaw? Let me tell you something, son. This ain't Boston. We had a war down here. You'll find men in high office who are thieves, cutthroats. You'll find others who are branded outlaws that are only fighting for what's their own. There's those known as bad men and those as are bad men. You better learn to tell the difference. - Hey, where are you going? - With you. What, to Dallas? Well, Hickok's out of circulation, ain't he? You mean that you'd take Mr. Hickok's place? - Why not? - Why, I don't know you, Mr. Hollister.
You're branded as an outlaw, a Southern guerrilla. Though I can see merit in what Mr. Hickok says. Heaven knows you're more capable than I, but... - Oh, to make you my deputy. - You still haven't got the hang of it. I beg your pardon? I'm not gonna be your deputy. You're gonna be mine. You're not known in Dallas. Neither am I. So I'll be Marshal Weatherby. Nothing new in that idea. A regular custom up north, I understand. Hiring other people to do your fighting for you. I was at Chickamauga, Mr. Hollister. My brother was at Gettysburg. Well, you're something brand-new in carpetbaggers. Well, anyway, you can forget about the Marlows. One of them, anyway. You just swear me in, and I'll kill off Bryant for you all in the name of the United States government. There's to be no bloodshed. I merely want them apprehended. - Apprehended? Bryant Marlow? - Yes. You remember that little boy I was telling Wild Bill about? You're him, bub. Boston bean. I look like a Yankee cod, but I hope I don't smell like one. Might be an improvement over a Johnny Reb. Take it easy, blue-belly.
You're lucky I stomached you this far. But that's the way it's got to be. You're me, but I'm not you. And... And when you're talking to me, you're talking to yourself. When I'm speaking to you it's not me I'm speaking to, it's... It's you. Well, anyhow, you get the idea. Anyway, I hope I can pass for a railroading Weatherby. You look that part more than I look like Bill Hickok's downfall. Only a Yankee tailor would outfit a feller this way to ride across Texas. I may as well tell you, I got into this only to impress my fiancée. Well, you can write back to Boston and tell her all about it. - She lives here. - Why? She only came to Boston to visit me. Her name is Antonia Robles. She's very lovely. - You ain't all Boston. - What do you mean by that? Codfish ain't known for warm blood. I haven't met her family yet. They're in cattle. It seems they're involved in a land war, so to speak harassed by those Marlow ruffians. Keep your hand off that gun. We're looking for the Robles' place. - Robles? - Where is it? I'm the new marshal. You are there.
Follow me, senores. Don Felipe. - This isn't the reception I'd expected. - You are strangers. I hope Tonia's more pleased to see me than her father. - Now, wait a minute... - Antonia? Then you... You are Martin? Do forgive me. You would be welcome under any circumstances. But coming as you do, the marshal of the United States. Antonia has told us so much. I beg your forgiveness, and welcome to Hacienda del Norte. Let me present my son, Luis. Luis. I apologize for my son. It was nortenos, men from the North, that crippled him. Oh, I understand how he feels about nortenos, as you call them. We call them carpetbaggers. Oh, I forgot. Don Felipe, my brother, Daniel Weatherby. - Daniel? - From the lion's den. Father was a great Bible student. - How do you do? - Antonia made no mention of your brother. Well, I didn't tell her about him, black sheep of the family. Father kept him hidden. - Martin.
- Tonia. Tonia. - Tonia, dear Tonia. - Martin. No, no, no. Leave them alone un momento together. You are Tonia, aren't you? - Who are you? - Well, I'm not Martin. I know that. But on the other hand, I am Martin. Martin's my brother. Hey, Daniel. Come in here. Oh, Tonia, darling. Martin, why have you brought this crazy one with you? Oh, Senorita Robles, Mr. Hollister. You overdid that, Reb. You didn't have to be so convincing. I had to hush her up. - Martin, answer me. Why is he here? - To ensure success against the Marlows. He's my deputy. Or rather, I seem to be his. Whatever he is, he needs a tight rein. He needs a drink. It's hard to explain, but it's important that he be known here as Martin Weatherby. No one except you must know who he is. He has enemies.
This I can understand. For your information, I'll soon have fewer. My interest in these parts is the Marlow brothers. My family must be told who you are. They can be trusted. That gringo-loving brother of yours? Don't mislead yourself, young lady. No gringo could be his friend. Tonia, you must trust him. He's come here to help us. It won't be too long a hardship, senorita. I promise. I never expected a deputy fiancé. Martin was right. You are very lovely. And so is the Hacienda del Norte. Good green land fit for cotton. Got a nice, easy roll to it like... Like your home? I have no home. You are Martin's friend. This is your home. Well, let's apprehend them. Never launch an attack, Yankee, until you know the tactical situation. You learn that at Vicksburg, rebel? Foreigner. I'll make it simple so you can understand. The best place to reconnoiter is where the barleycorn flows. I'm raring. I can lick any man in the place.
- Howdy. What's your undoing, gents? - Straight Kentucky. I never drink before 5. Set that glass right-side up. - Why? - Like I told you, turn it over. By Godfrey, another one wanting to lick every man in town. - I said nothing of the sort. - You turned your glass upside down. - Let me cool this one. - Wait, Dan. Don't draw. That hat my brother's wearing, he shot it off of Bill Hickok. Yes, sir. There's Wild Bill's initials right in the sweatband. Dirty Dan here, he sure cut the map of Kansas through the old buffalo's hair. - Sure enough? That don't give him no call to be so overbearing. Bear with him, boys. A thing like that goes to a young fellow's head. Set them up, bartender. The drinks are on me. - My name's Weatherby. - Weatherby? You're the new marshal. Say, been expecting you. New marshal's here. New marshal's here. New marshal's here.
Hey, folks. New marshal's here. What'd you say your name was, marshal? Weatherby. Why? Seems to me I've seen you before. You haven't. Coulter's my name, Bar W Ranch. Welcome, marshal. Welcome. I'm Judge Harper of the federal district. You haul in the culprits, marshal. He'll jail them. When the evidence warrants it, Mr. Walters. Evidence? Why, everybody knows the Marlow boys are back of all this plundering. Nobody's seen them breaking the law. Particular, aren't you? Dallas will be run by federal law, not by mob rule. We're not wild Westerners. We're facing east, and that's our future. We intend to build industries here and culture. Dallas will raise people, not cows. If your carpetbag riffraff doesn't choke her to death in her cradle. This seems a matter for community action. Back home, when faced with any problem we had a town meeting. I suggest we call one. Where's your town hall? - Yes, every town should have a town hall. - We ain't got around to building one yet.
Well, I'll speak to Will Marlow about it. Your judge here seems to think he's a model citizen. If you're gonna fool around over there, you better take Dirty here with you. Yeah. He ought to be marshal. He sure ought to. I told you to keep your mud tracks out of Dallas. Now you're here, and you even dragged these pack rats in. It gets lonesome out there in the barrancas. Then go buy yourself a bottle. I never worried about your not having something to keep you company. Which one of you is Bryant Marlow? - Who are you? - My name's Weatherby. Marshal. I told you I'm not interested in buying any property right now. You can take your deal somewheres else. Don't bother me. I'm Will Marlow. Sit down, marshal. You ain't trailing my worthless brother, are you, marshal? I didn't say that. I'm in the market for some real estate. I thought I might be accommodating the new marshal with a dwelling. I even heard they might send Bill Hickok down here. Bill? Oh, he's fired his last shot for the law. He got drilled? Fought it out with a fellow named Hollister. Hol...?
Where is he? Hickok? He's retired. He's on his way east to do some play-acting. No, Hollister, Reb Hollister. Where is he? - Oh, he's dead. - Come on, we'd better get out of here. - You sure? - Hickok had it all his own way. I just happened to be there when Hollister was laid out cold. This calls for a bottle of bonded. We owe Wild Bill a drink. Well, my call isn't social. I wanna buy a building for a town hall. I suppose you know a valid deed when you see one. Marshal, you don't need to worry where Will Marlow and legalities are concerned. Well, here's 500 on account. I'll post the balance of 10,000 at the bank to be delivered by me when you produce a deed. Ten thousand? - Ten thousand? - That's a big bundle. You happen to know of a good ready-made hall? Yep. Know one would make a dandy. If I was to manipulate Bill Walters' head in front of that top O in "saloon" could you let air in it? - Ain't nobody could make a shot like that. - Especially not from here. Bill Walters got some horses I been wanting to trade for. You know, I never expected to find a marshal with so much civic spirit.
Been to Georgia lately, Mr. Marlow? I've never been in Georgia. - You have, Bryant. - That ain't Bryant. Meet Jason Trask, my handy boy. - Well, here's to Bill Hickok. - Here's to all good marshals. You're doing your duty when you hunt the likes of my brother Bryant. You know, Mr. Weatherby here's likely to be the ruination of your job, Jason. Honest citizens don't need a bodyguard when there's a marshal around, fit to keep the law. Looks like one of them longhorns got Bill Walters. Poor old Bill. You know, I've knowed a lot worse skunks. Odd happenstance. Walters' place would make a fine town hall. - Yeah. - Who asked you? - Gun's still warm. - What gu...? Don't cock that hammer, you crazy coot. Why not? Works good this way. What's your name? It's still cocked. We're riding out. Coming? Have you got no brains? Shooting from this office, smearing your filth on me. Get out, you and your scum. Take the back stairs, and don't come back.
- What happened up there? - I just spent 10,000 of your money. Cullen, get that dude! Keep a keen eye, Dirty. You did this to Cullen. You're tempting me, Bryant, every second you're in my sight. Come out of there, all of you, with your fingers in your ears! Wired trigger. Bryant Marlow's gun. I should've known that. My own brother Bryant he's been a cloud on me everywhere I tried to go. Looks like an honest man hasn't got a chance. I tried to hold him for you, marshal but he led Cullen wrong and got him killed. You done right marshal. You only followed duty. I'll help Dallas to set the noose around him. I'll give a reward for his capture. I'll pay my tithes to set this county free. - Marshal. - Quiet. Don't let them know I'm shot. Get the horses. Gotta get out of town without advertising it. Should've taken you straight to a doctor. That's how you lost Bull Run, Yankee: Letting the enemy know your casualty. He's right. It's best the Marlows detect no weaknesses. Don't worry. We are good doctors here.
We had to be. What a brave one. The valiente who was to remove the Marlows. You had your chance at Will. Why didn't you shoot first and ask questions afterwards? - Or is it that you're afraid? - Luis. - Go from this room. - Let the little scorpion stay. He's right. I was afraid. Afraid I'd die and leave Bryant Marlow alive. I can't die, not until he's dead. I'd give much to be able to believe you. - My brother wasn't always like that. - He has a nasty bite. Don't blame him. You'd be bitter, too, if you were in his place. Amelia, the iron. Martin. Let's face it, Tonia Boston was one place but this is another. - Are you sorry you came? - No, I didn't say that. But every day I realize more that I've walked into a world of which I know nothing. - Could go back to your world, Martin. - And admit I'm licked? How long would I keep your love then? I came here to take care of you and I'll do it. Martin. That's for trying.
But learning to shoot like Mr. Hickok won't help if you get sunstroke. Here. Duck! Here comes Will. Welcome, brother. You can take over now. I've had me a bellyful of this coyote music and I ain't just a bird cooing. You'll stay here and like it. That marshal's after you so you pull a murder for an introduction. Harper says your gun's evidence enough to hang you. And I had to do plenty fast-talking to keep myself out of your mess. You and your talking. If you'd done it my way, we'd be living in the Robles' hacienda by now. Hacienda, he says. So I wind up living in a dirt-floor parlor. - It's not your first one. - Shut his mouth for him, Bryant. Tell him what you said. Tell him who's gonna be boss. Boss? So that's it. Do you want me to take a trip? What for? I might drop by some Army post. Military always been interested what happened to the Hollisters over in Georgia. You was guiltier than I was. - You're the one... - To cover you, you trigger-crazy... You leave evidence, Bryant. I don't.
That's why I could give evidence against you. But you're the only one that could. She can now. Can you handle her? You'd better mind, Will. We don't want no Cains or Abels on our souls. - No Lot's wife either. - Take it easy. - Nobody has to get hurt. - Except that marshal. And I'll take care of him. Last time you tried to take care of things, you lost a gun. Leave him to me. I still got him on the hook for $ 10,000. Town hall, remember? If you know what's good for you, you just keep putting the spurs to old Robles. Martin who is he? He's a wanted criminal. Is that such a blow to you, Tonia? He's our friend. I had to know the truth. I coded a message to the Attorney General. The government says he's carried on guerrilla action but I've got his record. I know who his victims were: Carpetbaggers, men like Will Marlow. I should arrest him, but how can I when I know that if the South had won and men had dug their hobnails into us I'd have been an outcast too. I wish now I'd never laid eyes on him. Why do you say that? I'm a fool. I'm trying to arrange a pardon for him.
- Lf I succeed... - Have you told him? Oh, no. Nor can you. Hopes can be brutal, Tonia if they don't materialize. How's things in Dallas? I saw Senora Walters. She will do as you say. And Bryant Marlow? Like you, he stays out of sight. Thanks for the loan of your horse. - Where are you going? - Hunting. - You're not well enough to ride. - I'm fine. You can't arrest Bryant Marlow alone, not with that pack he has around him. Arresting's your idea. Well, I lose my bet. - What bet? - With myself. - Once you started serving your country... - I have no country. - And you call me "foreigner." - You and all blue-belly. We washed your gray and hung it out to dry. Not mine, Yankee. If you wanna try, just send for that Gettysburg brother of yours. He's still at Gettysburg. Well, I guess I'm wearing a good name. Had one of my own once.
Small pumpkins maybe, compared to the railroading Weatherbys, but it set well. It meant "cotton." I been talking in my sleep. Soil around here would grow better cotton than ever came out of Georgia. - You ought to put a bug in Felipe's ear. - I've got a bug in my own. I want to get a railroad headed this way. This is a big country, Reb. You said so yourself. Cotton, railroads. Weatherby, Hollister. Dreams, fried up, short order. Must they be dreams? You know what "Texas" means? It's an Indian word for "friend." It's a big land with room for everyone. You could be a part of it, in time. Time? That's for you two love-doves. The space of a lifetime to be together. I've got no time. For me, time's running out. - What's up? - Senor, she says... I wanna talk to Marshal Weatherby. - Well, who are you? - Mrs. Walters, Mrs. Bill Walters. I'm the marshal. What's wrong? That Bryant Marlow, bullying and threatening for his brother Will.
He's bringing a bill of sale out tonight, made for me to sign away Bill's leavings. - Where? - At my house, right outside of Dallas. - Well, I'll go with you. - Bless you. - Who was it? - Senora Walters. Senora Walters? Impossible. I just left her in Dallas. - Then who...? - I don't know. Carlos. ...call the vaqueros. Find the marshal and tell him the woman lied. Alberto! Manuel! Higher. Higher. Nice work, Flo. Get down off that horse. Just raring to ride, huh? Yeah, too much "giddap" and not enough "whoa." I knew you weren't Mrs. Walters. Figured I'd gamble on a lead. Remember how you poured it into Cullen? You're rushing me, but I'll try. Just take your time. I never did like to eat my striped candy too quick. Scared? Bumps like an alligator.
You shoot, and you will draw them in here. Let them chase an empty saddle. Slippery as a greased hog, ain't you? But it ain't gonna gain you nothing. Pop that gun off, it'll cost you $ 10,000. - What are you talking about? - The town hall. I posted my cashier's check with the bank. Will gets it when he comes in with the deed, if I sign the release. Don't you bite on that. No Marshal Weatherby, no 10,000. And Will will just skin you alive. - Lf you don't plug him, I will. - Let him have it, lummox. Oh, shut up. I'm trying to think what... What Will would do if he was doing the thinking. It's a good gamble, Bryant. My life against a wad of money. I'll just ride out of here nice and easy while you're thinking. Will will call down fire and brimstone on you. What would Will do? Well, what am I worrying about Will for? It's me he's got the evidence on. I'm worth more than $ 10,000 to me! You'd get your pockets picked in a graveyard. Sap-sucking yahoo. He won't get far in this brush on my horse. Reno. Reno, boy.
Reno. Gerry, you and Bill circle this thicket here. Rest of you, fan out but don't let him get away. Reno, boy. Reno. Reno. Hey, fellas, Reno throwed him! He's afoot! Come on, root him out! Hey. Hey! Help! Get over here! Think you're smart, don't you? Hey, you fellas, get over here! Hey! Hey, you fellas, get in here. Come on, cut me down. - What happened? - Never mind what happened. Cut me down. Here he comes. Where's Will Marlow now? Matt Coulter's inside doing the honors. You gotta make Will believe you're on his side, remember. Downright perjury. In case... Don't ask me to bear witness against myself. A job like that takes a big-caliber man, Mr. Marlow. Just call me Will.
Evening, Matt. Evening, Mr. Marlow. - Evening, judge. - Oh, just call him Will. I was telling Mr. Marlow about our idea. We got to have a go-getter for mayor. Oh, indubitably. In a city such as ours, we'll need lights pavements indoor water closets. Oh, good evening, marshal. Pour yourself some spirits. - Good evening, marshal. - We've been feeling Mr. Marlow out on running for mayor. - Marshal won't think I'm a go-getter. I been working on that deed for you, but Mrs. Walters here... Didn't she tell you? I bought the deed from her. - Evening, Mrs. Walters. - Good evening, marshal. I'm afraid Mr. Marlow won't be available to run for mayor. - Why not? - I aim to have him behind bars. That's a mighty poor joke. I wouldn't advise making irresponsible statements, marshal. He's in cahoots with his brother. One's guilty, so is the other. Somebody's lying. Anybody says I was ever tied up with Bryant, I'll sue for libel. Bryant just got through ambushing me. It ain't possible. He wouldn't dare to go against...
He had a.44 halfway down my gullet. - You drilled him. - He shot the guns right off me. I had to talk my way out. He let you...? Praise heaven he saw the light. No man wants his brother to have a killing on his soul. Interesting thing is how I talked my way out. He didn't know I'd bought the Chuckaway any more than you. He thought if he killed me, it'd cost you money. Figured it better to let me walk out than to have you on his neck. Mr. Marlow, this is hard to believe that a citizen like you... - It's Bryant, that renegade. He's always been against me. Hates my law-abiding principle. He's trying to put the blight on me. Will's right. Bryant pulled one on you, marshal. Will's in the clear. Why, you were there. He promised to post a reward for Bryant's capture. I'd hate to hang by my toes till you do. Well, you know, a man hates to put the dead mark on his brother. You hear that? He's making it dead or alive. Now, any man that's big enough for that is big enough for mayor. - Yeah! - Yeah, he's right! You're right, Matt. You're going to eat crow, marshal.
I'm authorizing you to announce my reward: Two thousand dollars for Bryant Marlow. - Dead or alive. - I guess I ought to be man enough to say I'm wrong, Mr. Marlow. Thank you, marshal. Thank you, gentlemen, one and all. Good night, Matt. He's gonna make a good mayor. I wish it was Saturday night so I could take a bath. Hey, Bryant. - What? - Here's Reno. Reno, boy. - What's this? - What? Two thousand dollars? Oh, no. Will wouldn't do that. Oh, no. "Brother Willy wouldn't do that." Thought it out pretty, didn't he? Marshal will bust his buttons trying to get you and you'll curl them, and the town will posse up and no matter which way you turn they'll be pouring led at you until they get that reward. And brother Willy will be in the clear, and have everything going his way. Pete. Pete. Marshal. Bryant, marshal. He's down behind that little rock by the cut. Get behind the brush and when I shoot, let him have it. Now, hold it. That marshal knows where the hideout is now and he'll be coming back with a posse.
You fellas stay covered up inside them rocks and you can pick them all off as they come. Oh, Reb. Reb. You've come back. You're safe. - Where's Martin? - In town. He and Luis were out all night with Father and the vaqueros. - They're still searching for you. - They shouldn't have left you here alone. I'm going to Dallas. I've got to find Martin. He'll come back here. L... I can't wait. Tonight I'll finish up my business in Texas. I won't be back, Tonia. Won't be back? I told you, I wouldn't be here long. Yes, I remember. It's what you wanted. That was three weeks ago. Nothing's changed. Everything's changed, Reb. I can't let you go. You're engaged to Martin. He's the one you're due to marry. What about him? - What about you? - Forget about me.
I'm a wanted criminal. Yes, I know that. Martin told you? Why? Was he afraid I'd forget? You haven't answered my question. What about you? I've answered it. Forget me. - You don't mean that. - I do mean it. I have to mean it. A long time ago, it might have been different. You wouldn't have been engaged to Martin. I wouldn't have to be hiding behind his shirttails. I'd have had a name, a home. You have this home. I told you that when you first came. Martin, he's safe. I heard in Dallas. Congratulations, Reb. Did you see Will Marlow? And Trask. Every time he tries to ride out to Bryant, Coulter corners him for a drink. - Popularity is beginning to go to his head. - Matt Coulter? Friendly with the Marlows? It's a scheme of Reb's. Where are you going? He's going to Dallas.
I'm going with him. You're staying here, where you belong. Didn't expect to find you here. Thought you'd be waiting in Dallas for Bryant. Bryant will think that too. Or else he'll expect me to organize a posse to come after him. By night, his nerves will get the best of him and he'll come in to see what I am doing. You stay here too. I don't want you underfoot. Reb, what are you going to do about her? I came here gunning for Bryant. When that's done, I'll move on. You don't have to move on. I do have to, you know that. You even told her. You're willing enough to keep it quiet everywhere else. What if you weren't a wanted man free to go or stay? What would you do then? I'd sink my roots in Dallas and take her away from you. Any way I could. Glad you said that. Makes it all right for me to play that way too. You'd be a fool if you didn't. - Where's Reb? - He's gone. - He wants you to stay here with me. - I heard him. But you still want to go with him? You wouldn't want me to pretend. No, I wouldn't want that, but I don't want you to go either.
- I must... - Tonia, he has it the way he wants it. What do you mean? Remember what I said about the brutality of hope? There's to be no pardon. He's still a wanted man. Maybe I'm not as smart as I figured. Maybe Bryant's not coming in. Will's not gone to him. I've been thinking. We ain't the kind to get quite so popular... Any fool could see the marshal had rigged me. Now the town's standing against my getting word to Bryant. Any moment he'll come roaring in and... Haven't they got homes to go to? A month ago, there wouldn't have been one of them there. Now you ain't asked them and they're all here expecting that maybe you'll want to send a posse after Bryant. If they rode out there, half of them would never ride back. They know that. They're still willing. You gave us more than a town hall, marshal. You gave us the grit to get our town back. We're willing to fight for it again. Worth fighting for. There's a lot of the history of Dallas standing over there. One fella settled at Trinity Forks when old Johnny Brian was still chinking at his log house. New settlers from the East and South. They're all just Dallas now. I guess that old Scotsman knew what he was writing about when he said: "Breathes there a man with soul so dead..."
I know the rest. Glad you do, marshal. We'd be pleased if you'd make this your native land too. You're not talking about me. You're talking about a tin badge and the Weatherby checkbook. Besides, I'm sitting on a short fuse. Hear you all got cotton dirt around here. Pick your half-section, settler. Come far? Through corn lands and cow lands and land oozing filthy grease that dang-near ruined my wagon. Keep that wagon out of there. Great Caesar's ghost. Betty, drive these down a bit. L... I don't wanna roust you around, but this smells like gunfighting weather. Roust all you like, colonel, and if you want a good gun hand again... What are you talking about? Don't you remember me, sir? Hillis from Macon. I rode with your Georgia regiment. Sergeant in Troop C. I never been in Georgia. If that ain't Colonel Reb, this ain't Texas. What did you say? I could swear that's my old colonel... The name, man, the name. You said Reb? I sure did. Colonel Hollister, sir. Fifth Georgia Cavalry.
That settler seemed to know you. Don't go probing, judge. That short fuse is about to blow me out of town. How did Will Marlow get away? Will? He's in his office. He just passed me riding south like the hounds of Hades was on his tail. South? Then he's not going to Bryant. You see a man come out of that building? I don't know where he come from, but he lit out like he was turpentine when I said you was Colonel Hollister. You and your big mouth. You were the turpentine. - I didn't mean... - Anyway, you've done one thing: You've proved they were all in it in Georgia. Dogs that ain't kill sheep, don't run. We're gonna catch Will before he sets a long trail. - I'll be back for Bryant. - Good luck, Reb. You fellas stay out of this. Get inside. You ain't gonna talk your way out of it this time, marshal. You won't either, Bryant. You can't fool me. There ain't only one man in the whole world can shoot like that. Reb Hollister. Hollister get my brother, Will. He set the fire in Georgia. Drag out the sour mash.
We're drinking to old Reb. Good idea! - Warrant? - Yes, it was his warrant. Reb Hollister. This is impossible. How could he have come here as...? Did you know this? Sure I knew. That's why I put my chips on Dallas. But, judge, how can you be so vindictive? Yesterday he was your hero, and today he's an outlaw. And he's still the same man, a man who's helped all of us. It's not a matter of being vindictive. It's a matter of the law. Only facts have any bearing. Facts? What if they burned your family home to the ground so what they done wouldn't show in the ashes? Reb's father and sister are still missing. Would you think the war was over, judge just because some fellas signed some papers over in Virginia? I wouldn't. Not while the guilty ones was still alive. Reb thought Bryant done it alone, but he learned different. The one who put the torch to the Hollisters' was Will. But he had no right to take the law into his own hands. Rights? He's been drawn and quartered by legal rights. We've all been. I respect the man as much as any of you, but I respect the law more. Weatherby, you've perpetrated a fraud in allowing this criminal to assume your place.
It must be reported to the Attorney General. - Reb's no criminal. - No criminal? Here's direct evidence. This is of later origin. It came yesterday. Pardon? On what grounds? Service as a United States Marshal. Have you forgotten he killed Cullen, stopped the cattle raids and now killed Bryant? You had this and didn't tell him? I hoped that Bryant would win the fight. You can blame me that he's gone again thinking himself a criminal. Sure appreciate your interest in this, Mr... - Mr... - Abernathy. Be a feather in my cap picking up a desperado like Reb Hollister. Here he comes. - That's him. - Sure? Don't start arguing. Go on, sheriff, jail him. Keep him there until they get a rope around his neck. Hello, high pockets. How's the...? Been a long time since we picked up anybody who packed a shooting iron in their boot. Better put them on. Them floors get cold. Never mind my health. Look up that fella that gave you the word.
His name's not Abernathy. It's Will Marlow. He'll be heading back for Dallas. Take it easy, fella. Judge Tomkins will see you Monday morning. Tell your tale of woe to him. - Monday morning? - Monday morning. Well, that's four... I can't... Make yourself comfortable, boy. You ain't gonna do nothing on that chair nohow. Miguel. Miguel. Wait. You stay here. Who are you? They're my boys, Felipe. Luis. Take the men and get back to your spots. Close the doors and the shutters. - Vultures. - Get your cutthroats out. Yelp all you like. I've been cursed by deadbeats before. You've got no right living like grandees with my note coming due. - Note's not due yet. - It is if I say so. I'm closing my accounts here. I'm taking my rightful money with me now.
You've stolen our cattle. We haven't enough left to raise the money. Get it. Tonight? Where? Weatherby. He'll give you the 25,000. - You get nothing! - Would you...? But you don't tell Weatherby why you want it. You do and you'll get your pups back in gunnysacks. But what can I say? You didn't find any trouble thinking up reasons when you wanted to borrow money. If I were you, I'd be in a hurry. I'll pay you. But if you harm them, you'll pay me. - Remember that. - You remember it. Tell the whole town about what... You fool! Are you crazy? Quiet! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Hey, open this door. Open this door. Fire breaks out.
We'll get you out of the building. Halt. On your horses! Hurry up! All right, men. Burt, Curly, pick up that wagon. Rest of you boys follow me. But, Mr. Robles, there isn't $25,000 cash in the whole town. - There must be. - But why do you want it? Don't ask me. Don't ask me anything. And say nothing to those you talk to. It means more than my life, Martin. You wait here. - Got it? - From merchants, the banker even Mrs. Walters. It's all here. - You told them nothing? - No, nothing. - You've got to tell me what it's for. - I can't tell you. - Then I'll go with you. - No, no, you mustn't. Does Will Marlow have anything to do with this? - Has he returned to Dallas? - No. Don Felipe, is Tonia all right? I hope so, my boy. "Hope so"?
Oh, Mr. Robles. Keep your eyes peeled for old Robles. If he's not alone, tell the men to start shooting. - Where's Will Marlow? - Thought you were following him. He outfoxed me. Got me jugged over in Fort Worth. Means he'll double back here. He has doubled back. That's why Felipe wanted the money. What money? Well, he was here. He made me get him $25,000. He wouldn't say why. - But he said it wasn't Marlow. - What have you got under that hat? Why would anybody keep silent? Because he's got a gun in his back. - Yes, but Marlow wasn't... No. - Marlow wasn't with Felipe? Must mean he's got Tonia and Luis, holding them as hostages. - New gun, huh? - Yeah. I'll go get a posse together. You stay put. I got a ready-made one coming. - How long ago Felipe leave here? - Too long. You can't overtake him.
I can try. Bring them along. Well, your pa will be back in a minute or two. Be a comfort to you. Three of you, tied up together. You're making a noose for your neck. This house will tell its secrets. Ashes don't tell secrets. Hollister learned that in Georgia. Robles is coming! Robles is coming. Robles is coming. He's alone. - It's all right. He's alone. - Bring him inside. It's Hollister! Here comes Weatherby and a posse! Open up, Will. Use up your powder, Will, then I'll kill you. What will you do when your bullets are gone, Marlow? You got one left. Didn't figure you for two guns. That leaves five. Fool, wasn't I, Will? I should've killed you weeks ago. But you were smart. You covered your Georgia trail. All I had was Bryant's scent. That's three left, Will.
And then I'll kill you. Barehand. Like I dreamed of killing Bry... And all the time it was you that lit the flame. Keep away from the window, Will. You make too good a target. Did you really think the ashes would cover for you, Will? That's your last bullet. Where's Tonia and Luis? I didn't hurt them. They're upstairs. I didn't hurt... Get up on your feet. Let me go. You won't regret it. I'll leave Dallas. I'll never come back. Oh, no. Oh, no, Will. Never. You like to see them burn, remember? Now it's your turn. Your neck, Will. Rope burn, with the whole town looking on. Burn legal, Will. The way you like it. Here's a couple more for you, sheriff. Why, Mr. Abernathy, you've got him again. You'll like him, sheriff. Here.
- Antonia, Luis. Where are they? - Upstairs. Will Marlow. He's the wanted one. Antonia. Luis. Antonia. Tonia. Reb. Oh, Reb. Oh, Reb. Well you won my bet for me. - What? Tin-badge bet, remember? You couldn't finish Marlow off, could you? You had your chance, but you couldn't do it. That oath you took as marshal crowded you too much. Here. Free man. Sink your roots in Dallas. Grow your cotton. Raise your kids. Martin... - I hope... - You don't have to say it. I know what your hopes are. Where are you going? Well, somebody's got to tote that cotton. I got me a railroad to build.
That Yankee foreigner's talking American. So are you. {{{ the end }}} (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) BEEFEATER: Admiral Collingwood! Well, Admiral? Great news, Your Majesty! The French are defeated at last. Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese and the Welsh. Then our navy rules the ocean. Almost entirely, Your Majesty. "Almost"? (STAMMERING) Unfortunately, just here, we're still having a little trouble with... (GULPS) ...pirates. What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral? "I hate pirates," ma'am. Exactly. Hate them. With their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless, blasted roaring! I want them sunk, Admiral! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me? I hate pirates! It's the looting. It's the cutlasses. It's the looting!
It's the cutlasses! Looting! Cutlasses! (GLASS SHATTERS) Looting! (PUNCH SMACKS) Oh! (ACCORDION CLANKS) (SCREAMS) (PIRATES GRUNTING) (PIRATES GASP) (ALL QUIET) Sorry, Captain. We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate. Oh, YOU were, were you? I suggested it might be the looting. Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses. And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases. Hmm. Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best bit about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog or the scurvy. Or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate is Ham Night! (CHEERING) Ham Night! (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) PIRATE: Ham Night! ALL: Ham!
(CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER CONTINUES) (LAUGHTER) PIRATE: On your nose. Go, Captain. Go, Captain. Hey! Hey! (PANTS RIP) Ooh! (MUSIC ENDS) It's like a meat ballet. To Ham Night! Ham! And to the Pirate Captain! Pirate Captain! Pirate Captain! (CHEERING) How was that, Number Two? You've still got it, Captain. I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man. Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush. Lads, lads. Pirates! It's not all about me. Don't be modest. No, no, no. Behind every captain with glittering eyes and a luxuriant beard... Luxuriant!
That's what it is. (CHEERING) ...there's a crew of briny rogues. Briny rogues! Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber. Will you get away with ya? Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for. (CHEERING) Oh, oh! Don't forget Polly. And not forgetting, never forgetting Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas. Come on, girl. ALBINO PIRATE: I love her beady eyes. Who's the feathery heart and soul of our boat? Is it you? Is it you? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's definitely you, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Right. (STUTTERS) Where was I? Ah, yes! Ah, yes. Important announcement. (GASPS) PIRATE: Ooh! Shh-shh, shh-shh!
By order of the Pirate King himself... (ALL GASP) (DRUMROLL) (GAS PS) The Pirate of the Year Awards? (HIGH-PITCHED) Are you going to... (DEEP VOICE) Are you going to enter again? That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last... 20 year. 20 years, yeah. Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years. It might be a bit more. 21, 22... Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you. PIRATE 1: You were very good, though. PIRATE 2: Shush! The point is, every time I've entered I've failed to win. So by the sheer law of maths... (PIRATES GASP) Ooh! Maths. ...I must have a really good chance this time. Are you with me, lads? (CHEERING) Yes! This can only end brilliantly. Then let's go plundering! (CHEERING) J' Deep in the castle and back from the war
J' Back with milady and the fires burnt tall J' "Hoorah" went the men down below J' All outside was the rain and snow (SCREAMS) ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah J' Over the hill (CANNONS BOOMING) J' Came the swords of a thousand men (LAUGHING AND HOOTING) J' We had to meet the enemy a mile away J' Thunder in the air and the sky turned gray J' Assembling the knights (TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE) J' And their swords were sharp J' There was hope (FAINT SCREAMING) J' In our English hearts (GUNFIRE) J' Hear our roar, hear our sound J' We're gonna fight until we have won this town ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah J' Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men Ooh! J' Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah (CHEERING) J' Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men (HUMMING) (CHEERING) Land ho! Ah. Blood Island. So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood.
(HORN HONKS MUSICALLY) (GRUNTS) (SHIP CREAKING) J' Hear our triumph, hear our roar J' We're gonna drink a barrel and much, much more ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah Ha! (TIRES SCREECHING) J' Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men (REVERSE ALARM CHIRPING) (GASPING) ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah Yeah! (SCREAMS) ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah ? Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah J' Over the hill went the swords of a thousand men J' (PEOPLE CONVERSING) PIRATE CAPTAIN: Excuse me. Mind out. Captain coming through. (GLASS SHATTERS) Thank you very much. (PEOPLE GRUNTING) Thank you. One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please.
Thank you. Now, let's see. "Booty"? Oh, yes. "Roaring." Check. Shanties. I shall put "rousing." "Beard"? Luxuriant. Obviously. Duh. Do you think I should sign it in blood? Make it more dramatic? Might be a bit on the showy side. Bit too much. You might be right. Pirate Captain. You can't lose, Captain. I'd bet my face. Well, thank you, Albino Pirate. You're a shoo-in, sir. Sure, there's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you. (PEOPLE GASPING, SCREAMING) Lock up your daughters! (LAUGHS) It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings! Back from plunderin' the Spanish Main. Oh, good grief. And I reckon this will make me Pirate of the Year.
(ALL GASP) (CHEERING) (LAUGHS) (GROANS) Don't worry, sir. He's all flash and no bang. (EXPLOSION BOOMS) (BLOWS) ALBINO PIRATE: Ah, Cutlass Liz. The Butcher of Barbados. Hello, boys. Whoa. You're probably all wondering if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful. (GRUNTS) Well, I am. Hello, Cutlass, you trollop. Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait. Check it out, lubbers. (PEOPLE GASP) The world's biggest diamond. That baby's got my name on it. (CHEERING) She doesn't even have a beard. (RUMBLING, RATTLING) (GAS PS) (CHATTERING) (ALL SHUDDERING) (RUMBLING) (GAS PS)
(BOTH GASP) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (PEOPLE GASPING) (CHEERING) Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants. Black Bellamy. (CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (BELL DINGING) Roar! Read it and weep, ya coves! That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year. Again. How are you? Good to see you. Grog for everybody! (CHEERING) Grog for everybody! (EXCITED CHATTERING) Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we? Perhaps we should be off, sir. Yes. Yes, yes, good point. (STAMMERS) I just remembered, actually, I have some very important bits of rope I need to untangle. (COINS CLINKING) BELLAMY: Thank you. Well, if it isn't the Pirate Captain. Oh! (CHUCKLES) Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass.
Peg-Leg. Didn't notice you come in. (LAUGHS) The beard's looking great, my man. And I see that you're more wanted than ever. (GUFFAWING, MOCKING LAUGHTER) Come on, everybody, be nice. Give him a break. Bring it down a little bit. All right. Seriously, Captain, how's the pirating business treating you? Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly. Thanks for asking. (CHUCKLES) Treasure coming out of my eyeballs. Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes. CUTLASS LIZ: Oh, really? If you've got so much booty, then how come you're still sailing that old wreck? Anyway, look, (CLEARS THROAT) I'd love to stay and chat, but, you know, places to pillage, people to... People to skewer. (SQUAWKS) (CHOKING) Huh? Ugh! Ooh. Oh, come on! That is disgusting. Wait a minute. Captain, what is this? What?
Captain? Oh, that's nothing. Could I possibly have that back? Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait. Thank you. "Pirate of the Year"? (LAUGHTER) You're entering Pirate of the Year? No, no, no, no, no. (LAUGHS) Uh, yes. Again? Yes! (LAUGHTER) BOTH: Ooh! Come on. Listen, did they change the rules? I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty. Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot? She is not fat. She's just big-boned. She's fat, dude. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh. Everyone laugh. (LAUGHTER) Ignore them, Captain. It's not worth it.
The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway. (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) You'll see, you'll see. I will be Pirate of the Year. Oh, yes. And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces. Yes. And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do. Come on, lads. (LAUGHTER) Well... (CLEARS THROAT) All right, now listen up, you coves. 'We'll show those swabs a thing or two about pirating. (CHEERING) There's still time to fill these chests with sparkling booty. I can practically taste that trophy! (CHANTING) Trophy! Trophy! Trophy! (GUNSHOT) (CHEERING) Captain! Sail off the port bow! Aha! Let's get after her, Number Two. Aye, aye, sir. Clap on all sail! Royals and topgallants! PIRATE: Release those gallants! Aha!
(CLAMORING) Fire those long things that go bang. Fire cannons four and six! (CHEERING) Eat cannonball, lubbers. (SQUAWKING) Here we go, lads! Look and learn. Yee-haw! (CHEERING) Go get 'em, Pirate Captain! Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain. And I'm here for your gold. Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold. (GAS PS) Or my left. (CHUCKLES) PIRATE CAPTAIN: Right, lads. Minor hiccup, that last one. This time, it's payday! (CHEERING) Aha! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold. Geography field trip. Aha! I'm the Pirate Captain, and... Naturists.
Pirate Captain. Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold. Ghost ship. (ALL WAILING) (SINISTER LAUGH) Sorry. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mmm. Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir. Mm-hmm. That's nice. Do you want to give the order to attack? No, not really, Number Two. No, I think I've... Think I had enough of piracy. I'm hanging up my cutlass. Captain, no! Yeah, I was thinking I might go into baby clothes, actually. What? I hear there's a fortune to be made in baby clothes because babies grow so fast. No, but you can't. I mean, the crew... They'd... They'd be lost without you. Oh, what was I thinking, Number Two? Pirate of the Year? Me? Look at the trophy cabinet. Best Anecdote About a Squid. I mean, that is all I've got to show for my entire career.
(STAMMERING) Pirate of the Year? It's just commercialized nonsense. Real piracy isn't about trophies. It's about fighting up staircases backwards. It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth. Beard glossiness! And think about all the adventures we've had. Our adventure with Aztecs. Our adventure with that pig. Our adventure with... Shh! Okay, maybe not the librarians. But the fun we've had. And what about the shanties? Well, I mean... People would miss my shanties. And the running people through. Well, I... I do enjoy running people through. Enjoy it? You're brilliant at it! You're a brine-soaked terror of the high seas! Do you think so, Number Two? Everyone does! You're more of a pirate than Black Bellamy or any of them. You're a real pirate. That's why the crew, they think you're the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham. Why do you think they all got that tattoo? Come on. What do you say?
Arrr! By Neptune, where's that ship? MAN: Ooh! This is the one, lads! (PIRATES GASP) Ninth time lucky! I can feel it in my beard! Well, don't just sit there like lemons! Hoist the flag! Standard, sir? Or extra gruesome? PIRATE CAPTAIN: Extra gruesome! Let's make their gizzards shake. (CHEERING) DARWIN: Journal of Charles Darwin. Day 93 aboard the Beagle. I have, today, discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorized in the order of Pygophora. (SIGHS SOFTLY) I'll never get a girlfriend. lam so unhappy. (THUMPING) (CANNONBALL WHISTLING THROUGH AIR) (CANNONS FIRING IN DISTANCE) And now I'm being attacked by pirates. (PIRATES CLAMORING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES) Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold. (GAS PS) (STAMMERS) I haven't got any gold. No gold, eh? Then what, might I ask, is this? It's a baboon's kidney. Is it? Oh. And what about this? Oh, it's another baboon's kidney. (GAS PS) We searched the hold, Captain. And? Just creatures. Bits of creatures in jars. And an unhappy-looking baboon. What kind of ship is this? (GAS PS) (STAMMERING) We're a... Well, we were a scientific expedition. Charles Darwin, at your service, sir. Oh, for pity's sake! Is it so much to ask? Is it? I just want one tiny bit of success! One teensy weensy bit of respect from my peers just once in my life! Is that such a crime? Is it?
(GAS PS) No? No! (GASPS) No. Oh, but you try telling that to the universe. Just once, just once for things to go right. Just... Just once. So, are we done here? (WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY) DARWIN: Dear Diary, about to meet a watery grave. NUMBER TWO: It's nothing personal, you understand. It's just... It's been a tough week, and a good plank walk usually cheers him up. Will die without reaching second base with a lady. Oh, get on with it! Today's weather: inclement. (SQUAWKING) (GASPING) Stop! PIRATE CAPTAIN: Oh, now what? Last request, is it? Do we have to grant those? Is there some sort of human rights convention we're signed up to? But that bird! My parrot?
She's just big-boned! No, she's not. I mean... I mean, she's not a parrot. Not a parrot? What's he on about, old girl? She's... She's... She's the scientific discovery of our age! She's a... (PLANK THUMPS, DARWIN SCREAMS) (SPLASH) Huh? Sorry. It's just, that's my favorite bit. (CHIRPING) A dodo, you say? They've been extinct for 150 years. To find one alive today, it's quite incredible. Whoa! Well, clever old girl. Not going extinct. If I might be so bold, I would be prepared to pay you 10 pounds for your Polly. (LAUGHTER) Polly's not for sale. Ten pound. She's one of the family. She's like an auntie. With a beak. Yeah, I'm afraid they're right, Charles. Polly here is the feathery heart and soul of the boat. Come on, little dodo.
Oh. (GRUNTING) It's such a missed opportunity. If I could've presented her in London to the Royal Society at their annual science show... (CHUCKLES) No question of that, I'm afraid. She'd have been an absolute sensation. Yeah, well, can't be helped. And of course a shoo-in for the top prize. Prize? For best scientific discovery. Yes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. This prize, valuable, is it? Valuable? (GASPING, LAUGHING) It's priceless. Untold riches. (CASH REGISTER DINGS) Captain... No, no, no, no. I was thinking, perhaps perhaps I was being a touch hasty. But, Captain, London? The home of Queen Victoria, mortal enemy of pirates everywhere? We'll end up hanged at Execution Dock. (PIRATES GASP) (SCOFFS) Oh, pah! We laugh in the face of danger, remember? Um, I don't. I don't really like danger at all. (SIGHS)
Captain, do you remember the little talk we had? The one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit? No. No. The one about us trying to avoid harebrained schemes that end in us facing certain death. You heard the man, Number Two. "Untold riches." Here's the plan. We go to London, Polly wins this science show thingy we take the prize money, I enter Pirate of the Year, I win! Bingo! But, Captain, I'm not sure... It can't fail. And besides, look at her little face. (HIGH-PITCHED) I sure want to win that science prize. Squawk! Bravo, Captain! I see you're a man of vision! Right, then, Charles. When is this science show of yours? A week tomorrow. Ah, confound it! You see, we could've made that with a good wind behind us, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way. Um, mmm, I think they just add those onto maps for decoration, Captain. Is that a fact? Well, blow me down. (LAUGHS) I dare, you could learn something from this fine fellow, Number Two. J' London calling to the faraway towns J' London calling to the faraway towns J' Now war is declared and battle come down J' London calling to the underworld
(GIGGLING) J' Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls J' London calling, see, we ain't got no high ? 'Cept for that one with the yellowy eyes J' Now get this J' London calling, yes, I was there, too J' And you know what they said? Well, some of it was true J' London calling at the top of the dial J' And after all this, won't you give me a smile? PIRATE CAPTAIN: Ah! London Town. The most romantic city in the world. J' I never felt so much alike alike, alike, alike... J' (SHIP CREAKING) "Queen Victoria "welcomes you to London." Ah, that's nice. Perhaps she's not so bad after all. (ALL GASP) Well, don't look so worried, Number Two. Pirates are always visiting London. (MOANING EERILY) Turn back! This is the fate of pirates here! Is that Scarlett Morgan? (CHUCKLES) Pirate Captain.
Goodness me! I haven't seen you since that business in Madagascar. Ah, yes. I could've sworn they were girls. You're looking well, Morgan. Yeah, lost a bit of weight. What are you up to these days? Oh, you know, this and that. Yeah, just gonna enter a science competition, actually. Ah! Good luck with that. Yeah, thanks, thanks. Eh? (DISTANT WAILING) No, no, wait, wait! Turn back! Turn back. (SHIP CREAKING) (SHIP CRASHES) Oops. Sorry. Oh, no! Look what you've done to me boat. Look at the state of it. I hope you've got some insurance, 'cause I... (ANCHOR CLANKS) Ow. Right, then. We'll be off. I'll bring her back tomorrow straight after the show. Well, don't be daft, Charles. I'll be presenting Polly.
You? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science. But you can't. I mean, the streets of London are no place for pirates. Pirates? What pirates? (GAS PS) Nobody here but us Girl Guides. Yes! I've got a badge for looting. We're not really Girl Guides. It's us, the pirates. We're masters of disguise. How ingenious. But all the same, Captain, best we lie low for the night. Perhaps at my house. Captain, I really think... Good plan, Chuck. Be fun to see how you boffin types live. Mmm-hmm. Well, come on. Taxi! Evening, Officer. Hidey-ho, ladies. (GIGGLES) (SNIFFING) ALBINO PIRATE: London smells like Grandma. Whoa.
(HORSE NEIGHS) Here we are. Home, sweet home. You don't get many women back here, do you, Charles? People who live alone are always serial killers. (GAS PS) (GAS PS) PIRATE CAPTAIN: Sweet Neptune on a bike! DARWIN: Oh, don't mind Mr. Bobo. Just an old project of mine. Project? Yeah, I had this theory. I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle and covered up his gigantic, unsightly ass, then he would cease to be a monkey and become more of a... A man-panzee, if you will. Bold theory. I don't like the monkey. But to be honest, monkeys are 10 a penny. He's not a patch on Polly here. Oh! Anyhow, big day tomorrow. We all need our rest. Let me show you to your room, Captain. PIRATE CAPTAIN: Right behind you, Chuck. (GRUNTS) (TOILET FLUSHES) (GAS PS) DARWIN: (WHISPERING) Now, shh, here's the plan.
You know what to do. Wait until the bearded idiot is asleep, then sneak into his room and... Shh! (FLOORBOARD CREAKS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Captain. It's... It's Mr. Darwin, sir. I'm sure he's up to no good. Oh, honestly, Number Two, what's got into you? Thanks to Charles, we're about to win lavish untold riches, and here you are trying to find fault with the poor fellow. Yes, but... No, no, no. Not another word. A future Pirate of the Year needs his beauty sleep. Do you think you could make nautical noises until we drop off? (MAKING WHOOSHING SOUNDS) Oh, that's lovely. Now, that is lovely. Can you do the shiver a timber? (SIGHS) Oh... Mmm. (IMITATES WOOD CREAKING) (YAWNS) And just chuck in a few gulls, would you? Caw, caw, caw! (SNORING) (SNORING LOUDLY) (YAWNS)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (GRUNTING SOFTLY) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, our winner. Give it up for the Pirate Captain! Congratulations, Pirate Captain. Nobody deserves this more than you. (CHUCKLES) Thanks, Cutlass. And that beard of yours, (GASPS) it drives me crazy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (GAS PS) (LAUGHING) Give it here. (STRAINING) Give it back, Bellamy, it's mine! No, give it back. (LAUGH ECHOES) (STARTLED SHOUT) Neptune's navel! Come back here, you lubber. Stop, thief! (GRUNTS) (SQUAWKS) (GRUNTS) I'll take that. (RUMBLING) Not so fast, my friend. (SCREAMS) Number Two!
Number Two, are you all right? (GAS PS) Unhand that dodo! Whoa! (SCREAMS) (GAS PS) Evening, Captain. (FLOORBOARDS CREAKING, CRACKING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (WATCH TICKING) (THUDDING, CLATTERING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (GAS PS) (BOTH SCREAM) Oh, Number Two! (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) We're under attack! Abandon ship! (ALL SCREAMING) Hello, Pirate Captain, Pirate with a Scarf! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Come back here, Mysterious Shadowy Figure! (GAS PS) Faster! Faster! (GAS PS) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (PIRATES SCREAMING)
Got you! Are you all right, girl? Captain! I mean, what's going on? Don't play the innocent. You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly. Steal Polly? Oh, dear me, no, you're mistaken. Then how do you explain this? (DOOR CREAKS) Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it? Is it? Some jealous rival scientist must have tried to make off with the dodo. Well, that explains everything. Captain, please, let's go. Polly's not safe in London. I couldn't bear it if something happened to Polly. Nothing is going to happen to Polly. She'll be perfectly safe. Leave everything to me. Now, come on, we can't keep that prize waiting. (CLEARS THROAT) Um... Anyone got a towel? DARWIN: Nice going, banana butt. Now this briny buffoon is gonna grab all the glory. It's a disaster. It's... (SPUTTERS) Bad news, I'm afraid, Captain. You can't go in.
Eh? Mmm. It's strictly scientists only, you see. I'll just have to present Polly myself. We're not really scientists. It's us, the pirates. See? (CHUCKLES) Masters of disguise. But where's Polly? That is on a need-to-know basis from here on in, Charles. Pardon? I am keeping her hidden. That shadowy figure could be anywhere. Luckily, I am not only a master of disguises, I am also a master of hiding things. Right, lads, let's show these boffins what's what. But, Captain. Really, I... Hello! (BELL DINGS) We're here for the science show. We're scientists. Hmm? That's a pipette, this is Charles Darwin, and I am the Scientist Captain. If you're a scientist, name three elements. Oh, well, let's see now. There's... There's gold, ham... Mmm-hmm? ...and the tears of a mermaid. Yeah, two out of three Close enough.
First on your left. The balloon of my airship contains 20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas. Excuse me. Sorry. (GASPS) Just here, you will notice the open log fire to ensure a comfortable temperature at higher altitudes. (PEOPLE GRUNT) Ooh! Captain? Captain, Captain, please. You can't possibly appear on stage without Polly. Patience, Charles. All in good time. (SINISTER LAUGH) Excuse me. Sorry. (ANGRY GRUNTING) Sorry. SCIENTIST: Idiot! Just a tick. Oh, but, Captain... (SQUAWKS) How on earth did... My airship will revolutionize the fields of meteorology and cartography. (SLURPING) But mostly, it's for looking down ladies' tops. (APPLAUSE) Ingenious. (METER muss) (SINGING SCALES) Captain, I really, really think it would be best if I take over from here. There's a certain manner in which these things are conduc... Nonsense, Chuck. What this science stuff needs is a bit of showmanship!
(GROWLS) (GAS PS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) Look, it's the captain. Captain! Captain! Shh! Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks, (GROANS) prepare to be confounded. Prepare to be amazed. Prepare to... Oh-ho, wait a second. What's this? (CLEARS THROAT) What's this? Stop! (CLEARS THROAT) I am the world's leading doctor, and I declare the science you are doing is too shocking by half. Dr. Albino, are you saying that those of a nervous disposition should leave immediately, in case the sheer unexpected remarkableness of my discovery should cause their hearts to explode? (SIGHS) Uh... lam. Well, science lovers, you have been warned. This is our most educational adventure ever. (PLAYING ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA) Back from the dead. Back from beyond the grave. Back to astound you all. The ninth wonder of the world. She's traveled halfway across the globe to be here tonight.
Here's Polly! (CROWD GAS PS) MAN: It's a dodo. (GAS PS) By Jove. That is astounding! (CHEERING) (SIGHS) (METER muss) (GASPS, SIGHS WEAKLY) (METER muss) An actual dodo! Makes electricity look like a pile of crap. (LIGHT BULB CRACKLING WITH ELECTRICITY) MAN: The Royal Society's prize for best scientific discovery... Oh, I hope it's not a check. ...Is awarded to... Have you any idea what the sterling-doubloon exchange rate is these days? ...the Scientist Captain. (APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Please stop. Enough. Thank you. Thank you. (GASPS) Is that it? Oh, no. Ah, good.
You also get this leather-bound set of encyclopedias. Excuse me just one moment. Thank you. (GROANS) Okay, Chuck. Now, I like encyclopedias as much as the next man, but they're not exactly gonna help me win Pirate of the Year, are they? (GLASS SHATTERS) Where's the booty? Booty? What booty? The prize! The "untold riches," remember? Oh. Perhaps I didn't explain. It's not all about money. No, the real prize is... MAN: Her Royal Majesty, the Empress of India, Ruler of the Kingdom of Java a personal audience with Defender of the Faith, Queen Victoria! Queen Victoria herself. (GASPS) (GAS PS) Scientist Captain, congratulations. What a tremendous discovery. (STAMMERING) Your, uh... Your Majesty. And who are these charming fellows? Well, this is my crew. By which he means lab assistant crew. Yes, yes.
I'm using "crew" in the street sense. Yo. And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty. I helped find the dodo. Yes, whatever. But where has your delightful creature disappeared to? Resting, ma'am. Hidden away. I only let her out for the big performance, I'm afraid. In case sinister forces should try to make off with her, you see. Sinister forces? Ooh, dear. Well, we have a wonderful petting zoo at the palace where Polly would be quite safe. Perhaps we could take her off your hands. (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's out of the question. But she'd have a lovely time. There are guinea pigs and a donkey. No, no, I couldn't, ma'am. Not even for little old me? No, no, no, I'm afraid not, ma'am. No, you see, there is nothing more important to a pirate than his trusted dodo. (GASPS) She is the feathery heart and soul of the boat. Did you say "pirate"? (MEN GASP) Pirate? No, no, no, no, no. Scientist. (CHUCKLES) Yes, good old, good old science. Can't get enough of it.
Mixing stuff together. You know, test tube tubing and Bunsen burning. See? (GRUNTS) (MEN GASPING) He's no scientist! He's a Girl Guide! Ooh! (GRUNTS) (MEN GASPING) He's no Girl Guide! He's a pirate! BOTH: Pirate! Hang on, hang on. There's been some kind of mistake. Some... (GRUNTS) Some silly mistake Whoa, laddies! Stop, stop. I can explain. (GAS PS) Your Majesty. He's hidden the dodo. If you chop his head off now, we might never find out where. Wait a mo. (GAS PS) One doesn't know why. Perhaps it's his luxuriant beard or his gleaming teeth or the way he smells faintly of coconuts. But we have taken a shine to this pirate. Do you have a name, pirate captain?
They call me the Pirate Captain. Well, Pirate Captain, we hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes. (APPLAUSE) (MEN GASP) You will stay in London, Pirate Captain, and entertain us with your stories and your wit. And especially your dear little dodo. Hell's barnacles. Can we please get out of here now? That was a bit close for comfort, Number Two. I will get you the dodo, Your Majesty. See that you do, Mr. Darwin. (HOOVES CLOPPING) (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) Ooh! Uh... Captain? Captain! Captain! Hurry up, lads, chop-chop. Let's get back to sea where we belong. PIRATES: Aye, aye, Captain! I told you coming to London was a bad idea. The sooner I get the smell of brine in my... DARWIN: Captain! Captain! Whoa! Whoa! (GAS PS) You're not leaving, surely?
I most certainly am. You've let me down badly, Charles. Look! Look! Also, to be frank... Captain your nose is too small for your face. But you're the toast of London Town. Oh, I say, look at that. Ooh! They've really captured my eyes. We were hoping you might come out for a little celebration before you go. (PEOPLE CHUCKLING) We don't want to miss the tide, Captain. No, no, no. Quite right, quite right. Oh, Captain, do join us, please? I'll just stop for a quick one. Rude to refuse. But it's Ham Night. I'll be 20 minutes. Half an hour tops. Just get her... Get her warmed up without me. Aren't we going yet? Shh! (WHISPERING) But what about winning the Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that he's not a loser? (SIGHS) WOMAN: Yoo-hoo! Come along, Captain.
Captain... Cheers! Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so very much. Captain... PIRATE CAPTAIN: And your name is? DARWIN: Miss Jane Austen. (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) (ANCHOR CLANKS) (MAN SCREAMS) (LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE LAUGHING) PIRATE CAPTAIN: And that, and that is why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula. (CHUCKLES) Jane Austen, feel free to use it in one of your books. Oh, Pirate Captain, you are a born raconteur. So much better than the last chap we all went doolally over. You've all been (SLURPING) terribly kind. Oh! Oh, do run along. Another drink, Captain? Hmm? Cheers, Chuck. Huh? I say, you're not related in some way, are you? Pardon? It's just you, sort of...
Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing. Cheers. Do you know what I've discovered, Charles? The friends you make after you've become famous are better, truer friends than the ones you've had for years beforehand. So very wise. But the lads will think I'm a fool. No. A fool, you? Oh. You're an intellectual giant. Just look at how you managed to keep Polly safe from those sinister forces. Yes, I did do that, didn't I? You did. And wherever she's hidden, I bet it's somewhere really ingenious. It is rather. (CHUCKLES) You'll never guess where. Well, no, why, you're too smart for me, Captain. Right under everyone's noses. Or right under my noses, anyhow. Ta-d a! (SQUAW KS) (GAS PS) (SIGHS) You've been keeping Polly in your beard? Actually, I keep all sorts in here. (CLOCK TICKING) I'm sorry about this, Captain. About what?
Oh. What the... What's the monkey-man playing at? (CHUCKLES) This patently isn't even a real... (SCREAMS) (GAS PS) (GAS PS) Come back here, you lubbers! (BICYCLE BELL DINGS) (SCREAMS) Sorry, Your Reverence. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (CHICKENS SQUAWKING) (PIG SNORTING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (GAS PS) (GRUNTING) Aha! Got you, you rogue! (RUMBLING) (MUZAK PLAYING) Yeah, that's rather nice. Neptune's lips, what are you up to? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not my fault. What do you mean "not your fault"? You steal Polly, you shoot my best hat full of holes. (CLANKING) (GASPS) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hmm? Well, go on, then. Explain yourself.
There's this girl. I'm hopelessly smitten with her. I'm listening. I know how partial she is to exotic animals, and I thought if I could get her the dodo, then she might like me. Oh, I'm so ashamed. (SOBBING) Why didn't you say so? We've all done stupid things to impress girls. Yeah, you should act aloof. They love it when you act aloof. Still, must be quite a girl for you to go to all that trouble. QUEEN VICTORIA: She is quite a girl. (KEYPAD BUZZES) Kraken's biscuits! Mr. Darwin. Honestly, Charles. It's the bun. The bun really does it for me. QUEEN VICTORIA: And I see you've brought a friend. How delightful. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Oh, get a grip, man. You couldn't manage one tiny task, could you? It's pathetic. (BOTH GASP) (KEYPAD BUZZES) (KEYPAD BUZZING)
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTING) (CAT SHRIEKS) Oh. (GAS PS) Listen, Captain, I can see I've gone about this all wrong. You see, I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman, (KEYPAD BUZZING) (HISSING) but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo. I seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things. Or am I getting you muddled up with magpies? (STUTTERING) I couldn't. I mean, Polly, she's a family... Come now, Captain, it's so simple. Polly here could live like a queen at my petting zoo, and you... Well... With treasure like this, you could be famed across the seven seas. NUMBER TWO: Captain. Polly's not for sale. (BELLAMY LAUGHING) You? Win Pirate of the Year? You're a shoo-in, sir. There's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you. But what about winning Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that you're not a loser? (ECHOING) Loser... Loser... (LAUGHS) Whee! I'm a floating head. So, Captain.
Are you going to do the right thing? J' I'm sailing out on the ocean J' Out on the deep blue sea J' 20 minutes, he said. Didn't he say 20 minutes? Don't worry, lads. He probably just got caught up, (EXHALING) you know, battling a giant squid or something. (PIRATES SIGH) (GASPS) (RUMBLING AND RATTLING) PIRATE CAPTAIN: Well, come on, you lubbers! (LAUGHS) It's him! I told you! I... I told you he wouldn't let us down. PIRATE CAPTAIN: Hello, boys. (GASPS) Miss me? I'm having a mirage. But... How? Good question, Number Two. I stole it all in a daring raid on the Tower of London. You stole all this from the Tower of London? That's right. Then I burnt it to the ground, wrestled a bear, oh, and I kissed a princess for good measure. Well, what are you waiting for? Don't just stand there like porpoises. There's atrophy with our names on it!
(CHEERING) Set a course for Blood Island! (FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND POPPING) ANNOUNCER ON MIC: Avast, me hearties! And welcome to the 59th Annual Pirate of the Year Awards! (CHEERING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNFIRE) (CHUCKLES) This is the ticket, eh, Number Two? Oh, please, please, please, can't Polly come out now? (STUTTERS) Best not. She's still very tired. And here is your host for the evening... Shush. The Pirate King! Hello, Pirates! ALL: Hello, Pirate King! Any lubbers in tonight? ALL: No! ALL: Behind you! MAN: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, I'm Queen Victoria! (PIRATES BOOING) And I hate pirates! Ooh! (PIRATES CHEERING) Oh, come on, cheer up. PIRATE KING:
And now, you swabs, this is the big one. (PIRATES EXCLAIMING IN AWE) The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows: Black Bellamy. (APPLAUSE) Cutlass Liz. Peg-Leg Hastings. And a surprise late entry, the Pirate Captain! (PIRATES CHEERING) The panel of independent judges have counted each pirate's booty and declared that this year's winner is the Pirate Captain! (CHEERING) Oh. Oh. (GRUNTS) (SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) BELLAMY: Excuse me! (RECORD SCRATCHES) (MUSIC STOPS) Excuse me. Listen, this is all very moving. I'm welling up here, but... Bellamy, this is most irregular! So is this! ALL: (GENTLY) Aw! (GROANS) (ALL GASPING) It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain. (ALL MURMURING) No!
So what if she did? BELLAMY: If you've been pardoned then, technically, you're no longer a pirate. And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year, now, can you? No, you can't! That's right! Is this true? (STUTTERING) Well, that's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it. (SHUDDERS) Villainous treachery! Treacherous villainy! You have betrayed the pirating fraternity. But, Pirate King... Your pirate hat and coat! (RATTLING AND CLINKING) Your pirate badge with googly eyes. And your World of Hooks discount card. (SNAPS FINGERS) Confiscate his treasure! (GAS PS) Every last bit of it. Begone! May your lubber shame bear down upon you. You are hereby banished from Blood Island! (CHUCKLES) You are a pirate no more! (THUNDER CRASHES) (PIRATES GASPING) (SCREAMS) And stay out! Yes, well, not a...
Not a total success. We don't need them and their stupid awards. The best thing about being a pirate isn't the treasure. It's the cutlasses. It's Ham Night. It's Polly. Where is Polly, Captain? (CHUCKLES) What do you mean? You know where she is. She's been upset enough. (SIGHS) Captain... Oh... (GRUNTS) Okay, Okay. (PIRATES GASP) (THUNDER RUMBLES) I sold her to Queen Victoria for a boatload of treasure. There, I've said it. (AIR HISSING) Oh, well, come on. She was just a parrot. I mean, she wasn't even a parrot. Always weeing on the boat's carpets, biting everyone. She gave half of us tetanus, for goodness sake. But she was our Polly. (STUTTERING) Well, you know, you should be happy for her. She'll be, she'll be living the high life. Eating gold bricks wrapped up in, you know, swans. (WHIMPERS QUIETLY) Well, where are you swabs going? Come on.
Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere tropical with those native ladies whose outfits don't leave much to the imagination. (CHUCKLES) Looks like it's just you and me now, eh, Number Two? (CHUCKLES) Good old inseparable you and me. Us two against the world, eh? Yeah? Like serrano ham and, you know, that other kind of ham. Arrr. You can't always just say "arrr" at the end of a sentence and think that makes everything all right. (DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLING) (SIGHS SOFTLY) Fine. Fine, go on, then. Go. Go! It's not like I need any of you, anyway. See if I care. J' I'm not crying J' It's just been raining... See if I care. J' On my face J' And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks J' Please, please J' Don't tell my mates J' I'm not crying J' No, I'm not crying J' And if I am crying J' It's not 'cause of you J' It's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine
J' You don't know who is dying, that's right, dying J' These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me J' I've just been cutting onions J' I'm making a lasagna J' For one J' Oh, I'm not crying ? No J' I'm not upset because you left me this way ? My eyes are just a little sweaty today J' They've been looking around and are searching for you J' They've been looking for you J' Even though I told them not to J' These aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of joy J' I'm just laughing J' Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha J' I'm not crying J' I'm not crying : Crying T Huh? DARWIN: You're too late. She's gone. Charles? Is that you? What are you doing here? We're tramps now. It's not unlike being a scientist, but... (YAWNS) ...with less experiments and more drinking your own sweat.
But where's Polly? Why isn't she in her cage? Oh, it's too horrible. "Banquet for world leaders"? I've been a fool for love. Victoria never wanted Polly for her petting zoo. "Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout, "Panda Face Fritters"? I've discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible secret dining society. Kings, queens, emperors from around the world, they meet on her flagship, the QV1, to eat the rarest and most endangered creatures they can find. This year, the highlight is... PIRATE CAPTAIN: "Dodo a l'Orange"? She's going to eat Polly? It's all my fault. I'm an awful human being. I'll never get a girlfriend. (GRUNTING) Now pull yourself together, man. Ow! Now listen, Charles, we've all done something unforgivable. I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom. We've got to rescue her. Us? Against the crowned heads of the world on an impregnable warship? It's impossible odds! It's only impossible if you stop to think about it. Come on, we didn't evolve from slugs just to sit here drinking our own sweat, now, did we? Are you with us, Mr. Bobo? "Are you out of your..."
Oh, I say. Well, pah! We can do without the monkey-man. Sorry, what was that about slugs? No time for that now Come on. J' Ready, said are you ready to go? J' Said are you ready? Prepare to be boarded, nerds. J' Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop J' Ranking Full Stop J' That is my name and I would really, really say J' Full Stop, Ranking Full Stop J' Ranking Full Stop... It's true! You can see down ladies' tops. Keep pedaling, Charles. J' Said are you ready to stop? I said stop Help! J' Ready, said are you ready to go? J' Said are you ready? J' Said are you ready to go? J' Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop J' Ranking Full Stop J' As I would tell you 'bout this song, now come on... (THUNDER RUMBLES) (PANTING AND GROANING) (SIGHING AND GASPING) (SHIVERING) Oh! (SCREAMS)
J' Said are you ready? J' Said are you ready to stop? I said stop J' I'm dead J' (PANTING) Neptune's nostrils. Not a thing. Where the devil can she be? Uh, Captain? (BOTH SCREAMING) Pedal faster, Chuck! (BOTH SCREAMING) DARWIN: But how on earth do we get on board? This might sting a bit. (STUTTERS) I really don't... (SCREAMS) Catch hold of something! (CLANK) Good man. (GAS PS) (CRASHING) (BELL muss) How do you like my pygmy elephant nuggets, Your Majesty? Hmm. They're good, but not quite rare enough for my tastes. Not rare enough? Only three have been seen in the last 50 years. As many as three? (CHUCKLES) Well, well. Just wait until you see what I've got for the main course. Gaston?
Gaston? Are you there? Oui, Your Majesty. Gaston, I think we're ready. Neptune's teeth. There's not a moment to lose. We've got to find that kitchen. But it's hopeless. Where do we even start to... Shh, shh. So that's why I reckon, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula. No! Course, a Frankenstein versus a jellyfish, well, that's a different matter. (GRUNTS) All clear, Chuck. (SHIP HORN BLASTS) (GASPS) Chuck? (SCREAMS) It's all right, Charles, I'm coming! (SPLASHING) Don't worry, I'll just... Charles? (DARWIN SCREAMS) Just... Just hang on! (CLANKING) (DARWIN GRUNTING) Ow! (GROANS) Charles? (CHICKENS SQUAWKING) Poseidon's lips!
Are you all right, Charles? (MUFFLED GRUNTING) GUARD: Hey, you there! What are you doing here? Ah! Well, now. Excellent question. All exotic animals should have been delivered to the chef by now. What? What is it? Some sort of duck? Oh. Yes, yes. That's it, yes. (GRUNTS) (MUFFLED) Quack, quack. Hurry up, then. Kitchen's that way. Yeah, come away! Go on. DARWIN: (MUFFLED) Quack, quack. Here we go, my Pretty- It's time to be délicieux! (SQUAWKS) Mmm. (GASPS) Mon dieu! (THUD) Polly, come to Daddy. Oh, I'm sorry, old girl.
I will never, ever leave you again. I promise. (GRUNTING) I will never leave you. (SIGHING) Perhaps we'd best make a move. Hmm? Yes, yes, yes, of course. Back to the balloon. QUEEN VICTORIA: Gaston? Gaston? (BLOWING AIR THROUGH PIPE) Hello ? Captain. No. (CLEARS THROAT) (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello, Your Majesty. The dodo is coming tout de suite. This really isn't wise. Oh. Claudette est dans Ia bibliotheque. DARWIN: Please, I think we... But you know, Your Majesty, you cannot hurry the cooking. Is a very delicate recipe, uh? (DARWIN GRUNTING) And the dodo is a very fattening dish. Perhaps is not so good for you. (BELL DINGS) And, you know, the calories, they will go straight to your chubby thighs. Captain.
A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the... Zut alors! Well, well. Pirate Captain. Here you are again. And... Oh. my- Is that Mr. Darwin behind those feathers? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hello. What a delightfully unexpected surprise. You know, I think, secretly... (GIGGLES) ...I've always loved you, Charles. Gosh. Really? No! (CLANK) Give me my dodo! Now, come on, Vickie, be sensible. (STUTTERING) It's just you, a tiny queen, against me, a dashing terror of the high seas. En garde! Oh, dear! Poor defenseless me. (GRUNTS) What is a girl to do? Now, steady on. (GRUNTING) Now careful. Do you know why I really hate pirates? Childhood trauma, was it? Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby? (GRUNTS)
Beard envy? It's because you're out-of-date. You're dinosaurs! All that "romance of the seas" guff! Aha! Oh. (SQUAWKS) (GRUNTS) Right, where were we? (GASPING) Look at you. You should be extinct. (YELLS) Along with your little friend! (GRUNTS) (GAS PS) (SCREAMS) (GROWLS) (YELLING) Pity you can't eat pirates, really. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) But you'd probably taste of barnacles. Whereas, dear little Polly here is going to be (SQUAWKS) absolutely delicious! Mr. Bobo? Give me back my dinner! Captain, catch! Number Two! (GROWLS)
Sorry, Vickie. Dodo is off the menu. Eh? (GASPS) (GASPING) Oh, no, no, stop! Stop! (SCREAMS) Stop! I'm being squashed by giant barrels of vinegar! (GASPS AND GRUNTS) Good work, Chuck. Number Two, what are you doing here? How did you find me? Where are the lads? Don't worry, they're on the case. (PIRATES LAUGHING) It's all thanks to Mr. Bobo here. He rowed halfway across the ocean to tell us what you were up to. And, you know, I figured you tend to end up wrapped in sausages facing certain death at about this point in an adventure. (CHUCKLES) Yes. Yeah. Yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Listen, uh, (STUTTERING) Number Two, I... I realize I let you down. (DOOR OPENS) (CHUCKLES) (DOOR SLAMS) CURVACEOUS PIRATE:
Sorry. I let everybody down. You know, I've... Well, I've done some pretty appalling things in my piratical career. (CHUCKLES) Like that time I used babies as squid bait. Or that other time I thought it would be okay to let a turtle drive the boat. But the thing is... I mean, what I'm trying to say is... You decided to single-handedly take on Queen Victoria's flagship, in order to rescue Polly. Yes, I'm afraid I did. (GAS PS) That's terrifically idiotic. PIRATE CAPTAIN: Yes. It's also the reason why me and the lads, well, we still think (QUIET RUMBLING) you're the best pirate on the seven sea... (BOLTS POPPING) (METAL GROANING) (SCREAMING) Gadzooks! No! (GASPING AND SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (SHIP CREAKING AND GROANING) Polly! Oh, no, you don't. Captain? (GRUNTS) Kiss your beaky little friend goodbye. (GRUNTING) (YELLS)

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