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No, I do. When mom died... you were the strong one. You held us together. You're a hard-working and good man. An honest and Godly man. So please... don't change for anyone. Let me know if you need anything, all right? - I love you, too. - Okay. Do you think it would be okay if I stop by the office and tell Jarvis bye? Yes, yes, he's been texting me all day. Him and his girl finally split up for good so now's he's... Oh, okay, well, I will holler at you later. - Okay. - Yes. - See you at the Super Bowl. - Yes. - And I love you. - Love you too. - Yes, okay. - Drive... safe. I will. Whoo. What, you forgot your keys, huh? Wow. Yeah, I saw Sheila at the office. She said you'd be here. Amazingly, she didn't charge me this time because she said something about a building and a parade and God was on top of the building and... Yeah, um... You never know with Sheila.
Yeah. Um... have a seat. Gladly. Can I, um, get you something to drink? No, that's okay. Oh, I saw your sister leaving out. I tried to duck behind the bushes and ended up twisting my ankle and ruining my shoes. Oh, wow, you okay? Yeah, I'm all right. It's nothing Randall won't fix. Listen, um... about yesterday, I... About yesterday. You know, I... Yeah, kind of awkward, I just wasn't... Look, just hush. Don't say a word. Why don't you just relax and let's go with the flow and see where this takes us. Yeah. Don't be so stiff, Elston. Come on. You only live once. You know, I just... I just never... I never done anything like this before. I really don't know how to feel. I mean, you're on my mind all day. I can smell your perfume. I feel your touch when I close my eyes. Yeah.
I think about you all day, too. I know how you feel. I just feel so guilty. - But at the same time... - It's kind of exciting. Trace, Trace and Trace. Well, sure. I'll transfer you right now. And God bless you. Excuse me, hi. I'm here for a meeting with Darion Jackson. Oh, well, why do you want to see Darion? Just being nosey. Well, I'm opposing counsel for Gladie Insurance. Kramer case. Now, y'all know y'all need to pay up. Now, come on. That woman ran smack into Mrs. Gladie while she was standing there minding her own business. Yes, minding her own business while backing up on a major street. Well, the woman has Alzheimer's. She gets confused. Now, how can you punish somebody like that? True, I'd be confused too if I was sending a text and eating curly fries at the same time. Well, see, now you gotta understand about the curly fries. You gotta eat 'em while they're hot. You're funny. Funny, funny like what? I'm here to amuse you, funny like what? Ha-ha, just kidding. You married?
See a ring on my finger? Get you something. - Here's my card. - Oh. Oh, okay. Oh... Oh, yes, yes. He'll see you now. Last door on the left. - Nice meeting you, Sheila. - Likewise. Jarvis: I'm so glad I got her out of my mind. That's too much. Oh. - Are you busy? - Am I busy? No, I thought you left already. Have a seat, come on. Thanks. Um, yeah, I was on my way out but I thought I'd stop by. Well, I'm glad you did, I mean, I... Look, I'm sorry for all that stuff the other day with Raven. It's okay, no, no, no, really, it's okay. I mean, I can understand why a girl can get all crazy and angry over you. Well, you know, I've been known to break a few hearts from time to time... Okay, just like a man. - Don't know when to shut up. - A little too much? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, you know... So... So when you coming back? Ah, I'm not sure. You know me, always chasing that story. Yeah, I'm chasing you and you chasing your career. Yeah. Yeah. Well, um... I guess this is goodbye then. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - It's goodbye. - It's goodbye again. Yeah. Well, take care of yourself. Oh, you know me, always taking care of myself. Let's... I have an extra ticket to the Dallas game. Courtside. Courtside? Did I stutter? Yvette, look. Even though I would love... and when I say love I do mean love... the idea of getting rid of all my worldly possessions and following you to the ends of the earth. I just can't right now. I mean, God has called me to a life of integrity and that's how I gotta be. I mean, I can't honestly give 100% to this until I have closure with Raven. And, I mean, this is how I am. Better yet... that's how God made me. I understand.
That's... that's another one of the qualities that I love about you. You serve it straight up. It's just a double-edged sword sometimes. Take care. Hey, Raven, yeah, hi, yeah, it's me. Okay, all right, look, look, look, I need to talk... I need to talk... let me, can I speak? Can I speak, though? I need to talk to you about something serious. Where are we going with this relationship? Like, I am not gonna be your punching bag forever. Yeah, I just don't wanna play games anymore. Are you interested in trying to make it work? So it's over? Well, let it be over then, all right. But, look, look, look, I want my SpongeBob onesie back. No, that's mine, that's nonnegotiable. Yeah, oh, yeah, that's mine. Jarvis, look... I miss you so much and I'm not leaving without you. Not this time. You don't have to. Courtside it is. - Okay, let's go. - Oh yeah, we're gonna be late. Oh, yeah! Andrew, you tell the most fascinating stories. I never would've guessed you were a war hero. Well, not exactly, I mean, I was a military lawyer and I served during wartime but...
Sounds like a war hero to me. Okay, I'll take that. So how was your meeting? You guys drive a hard bargain around here but honestly, you have made it all worth it. Those words just flow out of your mouth so smoothly. Keep talking. What time's your lunch break? Now. Ohh, and, um... I know the perfect place. It's on me since we just took all of your money. - Come on. - All right. - Oh. - Mm-hmm. It's been a while since I was able to spend time with someone like this, you know? Yeah, a man like you, I'm sure you have plenty of women around. You know, actually... I'm not really the type to have a lot of women around. I'm more of a... one-woman type of guy, you know? Okay. See, why didn't I meet you first? This is terrible. I would've chose you any day. Uh, that makes me feel good... sort of. So it's getting kind of late. I think you better go back to the office. I have to go to the mall before Randall gets back home. When will I see you again? Again.
You'll see me soon. Well, I hope so. Oh, speaking of soon, I talked to Randall about approving your promotion. - You did. - Mm-hmm. That's wonderful. Look, don't thank me yet but I convinced him to give you a bonus when the deal goes through. We need to make a little side deal. Of course, what is it? Well, when the deal goes through, I need at least half. Randall is so slick. See, he has me in this little prenup that's so ironclad shut. He treats me like I'm a teenager and I'm a grown woman. I need zeros behind my bank account. You know what I mean? I got you... I guess, you know, um... Well, since you got me the job, I guess I would owe you something, you know? Good, exactly. I knew you'd see it my way. So I'm gonna have my lawyer draw up the contracts. Contracts? Look, pumpkin, let's not get business and fun mixed up. Okay? You take care of me, I'll take care of you. # Say what you wanna # # What was I doing? # # You're a married woman #
# I was so lonely # # I can't deny # # You're a married woman # # I was taught # # Better than that # # I am so ashamed # # You're my boss's wife # # Lord what shall I do? # # You are you # # I am me # # We are differently # # Different styles # # Different taste # # I'm not like you # # I'm not like # # You ## Let's sit down here a minute. Sure. - Ahh... - Ohh... Thank you for the wonderful lunch. Oh, but unfortunately, I have to get back to this hell hole. Well, I will admit, our firm is a lot bigger, nicer, more successful, of course, and clean but honestly, you should be happy because a lot of people wish they had jobs. Hmm, yeah, I guess... I guess you're right. But you... I used to work at a shoe department at Dillard's before I came here but I don't feel like going back to those stank feet and those stank attitudes all day. Mmm, I hear that. Well, hey, just as a side note, my firm
Peterson, Lewis and Kramer is expanding into the Midwest and we are aggressively seeking new lawyers and talent so just wanna put that bug in your ear. Well, this bug is buzzing. But, you know... my boss has been real good to me and not a lot of bosses would give you a two-hour lunch break. Um, so, um... Will I see you... will I see you again? I don't mean to be rude, but that is a mighty stupid question. What's your credit score? 800. Well, I guess I'll call you later. - Mmm, you do that. - Un-huh. Sir, you want to see me? Yeah, have a seat. You've been knowing me a long time, am I right? - Yes, sir. - Good. I'm not gonna beat around the bush. What are you trying to accomplish by dealing with my wife? Sir, I'm not trying to accomplish... Save it, save it, save it. Your number came up on her cell phone. What's going on? Sir, there's nothing going on. Let me tell you something. I want you to really hear me. My wife is a nice lady. Young... naive, very kind. And whatever you're trying to do by going around me to get to her, - is not...
- Sir... It's not going to work. You understand me? I'm the boss here. When I make decisions, they're final. You understand? So go back to your office and get to work. That's the last thing I'm gonna say. Out of all the days I choose to leave my wallet in my gym shorts I choose today to do it. It's okay. Gosh, they said we can get on the next flight out. Don't beat yourself up. Beat myself up? I've been beat up enough for the last few years. And you don't ever have to worry about me beating myself up. - Jarvis. - Um... oh, you know what? Have a seat, look. I gotta holler at Elston real quick. I left my SpongeBob pillowcase at his crib. I gotta get it. - I can't fly without it. - SpongeBob? Yeah, SpongeBob. - There we go. - I'll be back, babe. Okay, I'll be here. Okay. Come in.
Elston, what's wrong? I came right over as soon as I got the message. Thank you for coming. You look upset, what's wrong? I should've never started this with you. Come on, don't tell me... - Listen. - You getting cold feet. We're just getting started. Vanessa, I've been putting my job on the line. I've been lying and deceiving people, walking around here. - This is not who I am. - What? You think I put a gun to your head and made you do this? - You wanted this just as bad as I did. - Vanessa... Vanessa, I can't do this! I cannot do this, this is not who I am. So you think it's that easy. You're just gonna stand right there and say that you're done? No, I'm not an old toy. You can't just toss me aside like I'm a piece of dirt! I never said you were an old toy, Vanessa. Listen... You're gonna listen to me and you're gonna do exactly what I say to do. Otherwise, I'm gonna ruin your career at this firm and you will never make another dime again. Now, Elston, I need you to sign that contract and I need you to sign it now. Get out! Get out, now! Sheila:
You heard the man, you heard him. Get out. Boy, man, I thought I was devious, but you? You take the cake, honey, and all that money you gave me, I'm giving it back. - This... - I'm no longer into that. My life is a parade. - Parade? - Long story. You know what? This isn't over. You know we gotta tell him, right? - Are you out of your mind? - Mrs. Simmons? - Pinkie toe? - Mm-hmm. She's my sister in the Lord now, you know. And she always says that the Bible says: "First go and be reconciled with your brother. " Sheila, how can you be quoting the Bible at a time like this? Yeah, I know. But it's never too late, you know, even with a past as long and colorful as mine. Yes, very long and colorful. Come on now, we gotta go, now, come on, stand up. Come on, hold your head up. Man up and let's go. Elston. Sheila, you know I love you like a sister. I love you too. And I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you too. All right, let's go. - Hey. - Hey, uh... I'm busy right now doing some reading. Can this wait? No, sir, it cannot. What's the problem? Okay, um... I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, um... I've been having an affair with your wife. Is that what you came here to tell me? Is this... is this some... some kind of game? Some kind of scam or something? Because my wife wouldn't do anything like that. No, no, no, I helped them too and I'm ashamed of it. And they didn't even pay that much. This... this... this is a joke, this is not true, okay, so... Of course, this isn't true. Oh. Okay, listen... Why would you do something like that? I treated you like my own son. Yes, Elston, why would you do something like this? Sir, I don't know why I did it but I did it, okay, and... I'm so sorry. I disappointed myself, I disappointed you and I'm ashamed. And I'm willing to suffer the consequences, sir. I'm so sorry.
Is this true? Of course it's not true, for goodness sakes. I treated you like a queen, is this true? Oh, come on, man. Yo, tell me this is a lie, E. You was about to get a promotion. I have here on my phone all the pictures and text messages that she sent... - Give me that! - No, no, no... Jezebel! I'm sorry, sir. Why would you do this to me? You're gonna stand here and lie about it. Wow. I want you out of here. Talk to my lawyer in the morning. Go to my house. Give your keys to my housekeeper. You're the worst. As for you... I trusted you. I treated you like my own son. You lying, conniving little punk. I want you to go clean your desk out and leave your keys on top. Let me tell you something. If I was 20 years younger... Randall, Randall, Randall! Randall! You ain't kickin' nobody, homey. We're from Cabrini-Green.
Everybody get out. Get out! Get out of my office! Get out! Let's go. Get out of my office. I am not your toy or your trophy. You just give me chump change. Do you know, all you did... Randall, was work, work, work, work. That's all you did. I needed some attention. I felt so worthless. All that money you make, you don't think I deserved any? I'm your wife. I want you out. Get out of my office before I call the cops and have them take you out. Get out of my office. - Get out of my office. - Take it. Elston: I feel so terrible. And you should, Johnny Heartthrob. - Slow down. - Jarvis. What, we can't talk about the truth around here anymore? Okay, what you did was horrible. I mean, but we've all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Did you ask him to forgive you? A million times.
You only have to ask Him once. I love you no matter what and so does He, big bro. You always know what to say, huh, sis? Yeah, ain't she the best? Ooh, sorry, that's my man. - Gotta go. - Wait, wait, whoa, your man? Let him in, I want to see his wedding ring. Let him in, come on. I told you, I'm done with all that. I don't air your dirty laundry, Mr. SpongeBob. Hey, uh, don't go there. Everybody, this is Andrew. Wait, he's from the Stevens firm. She's sleeping with the enemy. It's okay, guys, we're on neutral territory. For now, at least. Yo, Elston, hide the paperwork. How are you, man? I'm Elston. - Pleasure. - Please to meet you. Hey, listen, I'm gonna be straightforward. Sheila told me what happened, and, hey, I know all about your extensive trial experience with Trace. And, you know, pretty sure, you know, since now you're technically unemployed that the partners at our firm could make you a handsome offer to come on board with us because, honestly, we could use a guy like you. - As a partner? - Absolutely. I mean, board has to approve, of course but I'm sure it'll sail through. Because, honestly, Elston, you're, uh... reputation is very solid in Chicago.
Okay, um... - Give me your card and... - Yeah. ...we'll go over some details on Monday. - Sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Monday. Monday, Monday morning. As in 7:55 early Monday morning, bright and early, you know, and make sure your junior attorney - sends over the documents ASAP. - Jarvis. - Jarvis. - ASAP. Come on, Andrew, let's go before we miss the movie. Okay. - 'Cause we gonna get together. - Okay, all right. - Pleasure. - Pleasure, man. Hey, Monday. You better go ahead, girl. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get my SpongeBob pillow 'cause, uh... I got me a flight to Dallas to catch. - Dallas? - Yeah. Courtside, bro. Wait, now look it, man. Take care of her, man. Yeah, man, you know, the Bible says, "When a man findeth his wife "he keepeth it, 'cause it's a good thing. "
You know, and, uh, I'll be damned if I let this good thing get away from me again. Amen, brother. So we gonna go. All right. I'll call you when we land. - Love you. - I love you too. I know where you live, Jarvis. - Hey, I know, I know. - Get it right. I don't want any trouble. I'm not here for any trouble. Just wanted to talk. Come in. You're welcome to have a seat. No, I'm... too keyed up to sit down. I'd rather stand. Look, um I've had a lot of time to think. Calmed down. Now I think I'm thinking straight. Well, I'm glad one of us can think straight. You know, the truth is, uh... I had suspicions about her all along. Hmm. But I was just blinded by her beauty. I was trying to convince myself not to think about it. But I knew eventually it would all blow up in my face. I don't know what to say. There ain't nothing to say. You know, uh oh, she's beautiful.
We didn't have a lot in common. You know, she likes that... just that booty-shaking rap music. That stuff they play on the young people channel. You know, I am... I'm more of a... a Luther Vandross man myself. I understand. We didn't have anything to talk about. It was all a facade. I mean, she made me feel young again. I put her up on a pedestal. But I knew... I knew it wasn't real. I didn't spend any time with her. So, um... what are you gonna do? Yeah, that's the question. You know, I want you to know something. You weren't the first. She's had about three affairs. I just didn't want to know. Well, I wish I knew you didn't wanna know. That's well said, young man. You know what you did was wrong. And I want you to know that it hurt. But I respect you as a man for taking responsibility for the mistakes that you've made. God knows I've made my own mistakes. I can't give you your job back but I want you to know that you were instrumental in helping me build my firm. So I want you to have this. What is it? Open it. It's a check.
Sir, this is, uh... this is very generous, sir, but I can't take this. No, I want you to take it. Remember... Do I owe you something? Remember that? Yup. Well, I want you to know you did a great job in helping me build my firm. So I'm not giving you that. You earned it. I'll let myself out. Sir... Thank you. I know that I can't do anything to make... the past right again but I'll do everything to make it right in the future. Yeah... maybe. Maybe after this all passes, who knows? Maybe one day we'll be friends again. Maybe. But right now, I've gotta go and put my life back together. Thank you. The Rammer Jammer will turn into some horrible chain restaurant. Unless we were to pool the money. You mean together? Lord have mercy. Some things that you left at my place. This doesn't mean that I forgive you. See you around. Are you okay? The MRI was totally clear. LEMON:
I saw you looking at Lavon and Ruby. I've been keeping you from him. Go fight for your man. Before you make any decisions, I'm throwing my hat in the ring, too. Yours is the only hat in the ring, AnnaBeth. Ruby left. I told her I have feelings for someone else. GEORGE: Part of me couldn't stand Jonah being with you. Because? Because he doesn't appreciate you, Zoe. He's not going to see how special you are. DASH: Mayor Hayes. LAVON: Yeah? Now, this is the second Sunday that the people of this town had to line up like Soviets for post-church pastries. We need our eggs, we need our bacon. We need our grits. Now, now, Lemon and Wade are filling out the final paperwork right now. The Rammer Jammer will be open in a couple days. Wade Kinsella and Lemon Breeland owning a business together? Better get used to living on muffins. Wade and Lemon are BlueBellians, and we will support them. But, you know, maybe we should all practice cooking our own breakfast, just in case. Man, we are going to be huge. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. And I agree: huge. And who cares that everybody thinks we're going to crash and burn, right?
They do? Uh, yeah. Oh, I guess people are more forthcoming with you. But, for now, the important thing is we give our customers and staff the confidence that nothing is going to change for the worse. Exactly. (sighs) All right. Well... here we are. Uh, that's the wrong key. I assure you, it's not. Yeah, that one's brass; the right one's silver. No worries- - I got mine. Just give me a chance to fiddle with it. Well, why would I, when I happen to know that this is the key that opens the door? Because you take the moment from me. That's pretty cute. You know, if you just let me... No, just let me just get... (gasps) ZOE: This is ridiculous. What do you mean, you're not selling the Sunday New York Times anymore? That is the one thing I actually enjoy buying at this store. (George clears throat) George, Frank is not selling the paper anymore. Our paper. Frank, we need the New York Times, all right? I-I wait all week to read that thing. The-the magazine and the Week in Review. Sunday nights, I need to unwind with my crossword puzzle. Crossword puzzle.
Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. As much as I am devastated, inwardly, by the loss of your puzzle, I can't do it. You two are the only people in this town that even purchase that liberal gossip rag, but the distributor makes me order eight issues. I end up throwing out six papers every week. Okay, Frank, how about this? I will buy the other six papers every week. And I'll-I'll just give them away to the schools or something. All right, you got a deal. You are my hero. (laughing) Enough of that. Just a couple of papers. Thank you. Bye. Yeah. So, we should make sure to get to the Rammer Jammer day after tomorrow so that we can show our support to Lemon and Wade. Yes. Right. You okay? Yes. (clears throat) You sure? Yes. Okay. 'Cause you would tell me if something was... What is going on with you and Zoe Hart? What are you talking about? I bit my tongue when you did everything in your power to stop Zoe from having sex with Jonah Breeland during spring break, but I just saw you promise to buy six extra newspapers just so Dr. Hart could pretend she's in New York City. Where she actually could be with a couple of clicks on the Internet. I'll send her some links.
Tansy, I would have bought all eight papers to continue getting them delivered for myself. This had nothing to do with Zoe Hart. And, yes, I did not want her to have sex with Jonah Breeland because she is my friend and he is a giant ass with a stethoscope. But that's all. Baby, you're-you're my girl. Okay? I only have eyes for you. Good, 'cause I'm kind of getting used to you. I'm kind of getting used to you, too. Well, now, here they are. My two favorite lovebirds. Guess what. I have the perfect parts for you two in my big Shakespeare night. Shakespeare night? It's a review of Shakespeare's most iconic scenes. A divine evening of laughter and tears to raise money for the new school gym. We would not miss it. Right. How could we miss a Shakespeare night? Yay. All righty, then. Hey, Big Z, I need some advice. Hit me. Well, AB signed us up to do a scene in Dash's Shakespeare thing. Uh-huh. How do I get out of it? You want my advice? Yeah. Suck it up and do it. For the school gym, for AnnaBeth.
I've been giving you relationship advice forever. Now that I'm in need, "suck it up and do it" is the best you can offer? Well, boo, Zoe Hart, boo. Oh, you want better advice, ask Brick. It's shrink week, and suddenly, he is our town Freud. You know, when your father Harley started Mental Health Week, I, too, was skeptical, but stress can impair the immune system. And a week of free counseling has proved very beneficial for this town's physical health. Oh, and, Lavon, Hmm? it'd be great if you would stop in and show your support as mayor. Well... you're right. Great. I'll-I'll come by tomorrow. Why do you get to do all the counseling? I did a psych rotation at Bellevue. Well, that's because people don't want advice from a crazy person. What, me? Lavon, stick up for me. Well... Lavon... As a matter of fact, you should come see me tomorrow. I will reserve the 9:00 a.m. spot especially for you. It just so happens that I have had years of therapy with the best analysts in New York City. I am the picture of mental health. (laughing) You can stuff it. Both of you. (laughing) The staff meeting was supposed to start 15 minutes ago.
Are people usually this late? Well, I am. Hmm. (door opens) Whoo. Hey. Hey. I apologize for my tardiness. I stopped to get a coffee at the Butter Stick. It was a madhouse. Well, where is everyone? Oh, well, to answer your question, in the restaurant industry, there's a lot of turnover and changes in management. And when the employees found out that you were the new management, they, um, turned over. (chuckling) Come... come on. All of them? Mm-hmm. Uh... Well, at least you're here. Have a seat. Yeah... I just came by to give you my notice. Tom's mother got us a bee colony as a wedding gift, and, well, honey's really popular right now, so it's a great business opportunity. So Tom's taking a job at the Dixie Stop so I can be a stay-at-home bee mom. It's so exciting. (clears throat) I regret to inform you. I'm sorry. (door closes) So, we open in two days and we have no employees. Well, on the bright side, we have 48 hours to find better, more enthusiastic ones.
(knock on door) George? It's so late. What are you doing here? Brought you the Times. What? Yeah. The Times? Where did you get it? Drove to Birmingham. Really? That's, like, six hours. Why on earth would you do that? Zoe, don't you know? I would do anything for you. You are everything to me. You always have been. (gasps) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Dr. Breeland, this is Dr. Hart. I'm going to need that 9:00 a.m. slot after all. (sighs) Well, good morning, Dr. Hart. How are we? (clears throat) Look, obviously, I am not about to let you butt into my personal life. And yet, here you are. Yes. But I will be speaking in hypotheticals. Okay. So, what brings you here this morning?
If I had this incredible dream about a certain gentleman that I used to have feelings for but really, really didn't think that I still did, even though there was this hug and he smelled so... that doesn't definitely, hypothetically mean that those feelings have reemerged, right? No, it doesn't. Especially if you're talking about George Tucker. No, I'm not. Why? What if I was? No, I know, it's bad. Crazy. And so embarrassingly repetitive. Dr. Hart, you have just come through a-a very painful breakup. A very painful breakup. And it's normal for your subconscious to pursue the road not taken. And I would suggest that's why George Tucker is appearing in your dreams. Because he is unavailable, and thus, unable to hurt you. See, he is the man in your dreams, not the man of your dreams. Not bad, Dr. Breeland. So, George has moved on. You know, he's happy. So what if he's amazing and wonderful and I probably made a mistake not picking him way back when. I'm a rational person. I'm a doctor. I can control my own emotions. I won't let myself like him. I can just put these feelings out. Just squash them. Way, way down. Push them. Deep, deep, deep into my sub, sub,
(voice getting deeper): sub, subconscious. Well, how about, until you have some perspective on your feelings, you just lay off? Avoid intimate situations where you might... Hug? Right, or do or say something crazy. Great idea. Because, when it comes to George, not smart-- kind of my M.O. So I am going to stay in the office all day. All week-- all month if I have to, just to avoid any chance of running into him. Is there any chance you could use some of that office time to-to deal with our unpaid billing? If I'm being honest, probably not. Oh, uh, Mayor Hayes, you're early. That's great, because you can be Dr. Breeland's first patient of the day. Very first. You okay? You're acting weird. You're acting weird. Because I'm great. You two have fun. LEMON: So, Ms. Curran, you're applying to be the cook? Mm-hmm. Do you have any experience? Not if you mean professionally. But I watch every food show on TV. I made all of Paula Deen's recipes for my grandfather. I put them in the blender since he has no teeth. But his taste buds are still going strong. Well, I see.
But if I'm gonna work here, I have some demands. I can only accept this job if this one can avoid hitting on me. Too skinny. That'll be tough. And you have to install a TV in the kitchen, preferably with Oprah Winfrey Network. And I take every religious holiday off in every religion. You have to let me-- it's the law. Well, thank you for your time. BRICK: Are you sure? There's nothing you want to talk about? Brick, I told you. I'm only here to show my support. I just want to read my sports section and pass the time. Oh, hey, uh, thanks a lot for getting me out of Shakespeare rehearsal today. Interesting. Now, why would you want to avoid rehearsal? No reason. You know... Shakespeare-- kind of a hack. (chuckles) Lavon, talk to me. I'm sorry. Our time is up. Hey, how'd it go? You shrunk? Oh, I'm fine. Buy you some coffee? Oh, I can't. I got to stay here.
Lots of paperwork. GEORGE: Tansy, baby, you got to see a doctor. I'll see Dr. Breeland. GEORGE: Dr. Breeland's only doing therapy this week, okay? You're gonna have to see Dr. Hart. Actually, coffee sounds great. (coughing) Yes, it's true. Moi was the silver medalist in the Southern Alabama Roadkill Cooking Contest. I pride myself on making the inedible in-inedible. That is impressive. I'm in. Veto, veto. I have veto power. (French accent): 12 years at Chez Lucille in Mobile, specialize in-- how do you say? -- "crowd-pleasers" like boeuf bourguignon, coq au vin, escargot. I'm sorry, uh... (French accent): How do you say, uh, veto? (chuckles) Wow, all right. Yum. Veto. 51 years of waitressing experience? My goodness. Veto. (gasps) I spent the last two summers working in my Aunty Rae's diner. I don't have a résumé, but I do have a swimsuit shot.
Would you like to see it? Obviously, yeah. Mm-hmm. Veto, veto, veto. I could be a great waitress. Better than you were. Mags, you have to be 19 years old to serve alcohol. Well, you also said I have to be 21 to get into bars, so you don't know everything. (gasps) Who's next? She was the last person. Sh... So, we open tomorrow and we have hired no one? It's your fault! We had several reputable contestants! Of all the crazies who have walked through that door today, Lemon Breeland, you are the craziest. (shrieks) What's going on with you? We... we've been here for an hour. Don't you have to go back to work? Don't you have to go to Shakespeare rehearsal? DASH: Come on, Crickett. You are the understudy for Juliet. It is only one line. Why can't you learn it? 'Cause people don't talk like that. (sighs) "Wh-What's here? A cup, "closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see..." Something, something. "Hath been his timeless end. O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop." Why, Dr. Zoe Hart, you know the line. My mother made me go to theater camp one summer. I was being punished. Oh, my Lord. I have found my Juliet. Who? Me? She'd love to. As a wise woman once told me, suck it up and do it. O churl. Hey. I'm sorry about earlier. Yeah, me, too. Listen, Dash's Shakespeare show is tomorrow, and if we can't host the after-party, then we're just... sunk for sure. So... MAN: Bonjour. (quietly): What? Have you lost your mind? Someone needs to cook. And Chef Tiberghien has years of experience. He trained at Le Cordon Bleu. Listen, I am sorry that I went behind your back, but it is clear that one of us just needs to step up and lead. I agree. Which is why
I hired Fanny to be our waitress. FRANK (monotonously): Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. The evil men do lives after them... Frank, Frank, that's fine, but could you do it with a little bit more enthusiasm? Uh, I don't do enthusiasm. W-Well, pretend that you're killing a small animal. It was one mouse! Mice carry Lyme disease. Uh, take-take five, Frank. All right, next up, Romeo and Juliet. (sighs) (gasps) You're Romeo? You're Juliet? Huh? Why? I-I was gonna do the scene with Tansy, but she got laryngitis. DASH: Well, I hope you're not sick, George Tucker, because you two have a big old smooch coming your way. Um... Oh, no. It's the doctor's office. It's a medical emergency. I got to run. But you... In a twist of bad luck, I somehow am playing Juliet to George Tucker's Romeo. Zoe Hart, you cannot kiss George Tucker. I know!
I am lonely and hurting. If I kiss him, I'm gonna go right back down that rabbit hole again. So how do I get out of it? Lie. Right. You are good at this. WOMAN: Ooh, the Rammer Jammer is open again. I am just so happy. Hear, hear. (chuckling): Ooh. Eggs! Thank you. Bacon. Grits! Grits! Enjoy. (Lemon whoops, chuckles) You must be so cold exposing all that flesh. You know, they say 70% of the body's heat escapes through the... breast. Hi, guys. Glad you could make it. We wouldn't miss the grand reopening. This is very exciting. It... looks amazing. It looks just like the... the Rammer Jammer. Congratulations. Yeah. Congratulations.
Of course we're here. Thanks. I'm glad you are. Hey, guys. How is everything? The eggs are fluffy. And the bacon's sublime. (quietly): But these grits... Revolting. Uh, look, I'll take care of this, all right? Breakfast is on the house. Hey there, Romeo. Hey. How's Tansy? Uh, she's doing much better. Poor thing still doesn't have a voice, though. Oh, yeah, you know, that can take a couple of days. But listen, I-I just... I wanted to talk to you. I actually had something I wanted to talk to you about as well. Oh. Um, no offense, but... Tansy is a little bit sensitive when it comes to you, and I don't want to make her jealous, so I don't think that doing this scene together is a good idea. Oh. You are right. 'Cause I really wouldn't want to upset Tansy. Oh. Well, great.
Well, thank you for being so understanding. And now we just have to... think of a plan to present to Dash. LAVON: Okay, so, about this Shakespeare show... Oh, I wanted to thank you again for doing it with me. Jake's idea of theater was watching the cars go through the big spinny brushes at the car wash. Honestly, it's like a dream come true. Oh. It-it is some kind of dream. (chuckles) Those hash browns look amazing. But what are those? Those are supposed to be grits? I'm disgusted. And I eat roadkill on the reg. (quietly): Lemon, people are leaving, all right? Ratatouille back there can't cook grits. You know how. You got to show him. What? Hey, uh, everybody, hang tight a second, all right? Lemon is gonna show our brand-new chef how to cook grits. All right? (cheers and applause) I have mastered the classics of French cuisine from "A" to zed, but I have been vanquished by grits? Now you teach me? The shame. LAVON: I made a mistake promising AnnaBeth I'd do the Shakespeare night.
I mean, I'm a football player-slash-mayor. I'm not a football player- slash-mayor-slash-actor. I can't humiliate myself in front of this town, in front of her. Lavon, I've seen you make eloquent speeches, debate with gusto. What makes you think you're gonna humiliate yourself? Do you recall a certain middle school production of The Wiz? (laughing): Oh. The one... the one with the stuttering Scarecrow? (laughing) Oh. Oh, my Lord. You were the stuttering Scarecrow? Every time I even think about being onstage, it-it all comes back to me. Lavon, that was a long time ago. You have matured. Th-There's no reason to avoid this. (knocking) Hey there! Oh, Shelby, honey, uh, can't you see I have a patient? Oh, sorry. Can't see who it is. Hey, Lavon. Well, now that I'm here... I wanted to see if you might want to get... lunch later. I've barely seen you all week. I-I know. I-I'm sorry, but the-the mayor needs me.
(quietly): He is having a crisis of confidence. He's... falling apart. Hello. I'm right here. Of course. I'll be praying for you. (chuckles) Who is avoiding what here? Hey. Who is the doctor here? Now, I have oodles of community theater experience. I was the Modern Major-General, so I will clear the books, and I will spend the rest of the day... coaching you. I... don't know. Uh, don't you have patients? Nothing is more important than helping the town's mayor. (loudly): First... we improv. DASH: No, no, no. But I can tutor Crickett myself. She is terrible. Besides, the scandal of George Tucker and Zoe Hart performing Romeo and Juliet will be a huge box office draw. Okay, well, Dash, listen, we know that you want to fill seats. So I had an idea-- how about Tom and Wanda as Romeo and Juliet, huh? The newlyweds. I mean, they're fan favorites. There won't be a dry eye in the house. Now, do you all take me for an amateur amateur theater director?
Tom and Wanda was obviously my first choice, but they claimed to be consumed by their new business endeavors. You leave it to us! Yeah! Go! Yeah. Two angels on horseback, BLT-- burn one-- and a large cow feed. Okay, enough with the diner lingo. You know that I don't understand you. (frustrated sigh) Hey, okay, from now on, everybody gets the special until we slow down. (forced chuckling) Well, she's joking. (clears throat) Uh, we are still cooking to order. Wade, please, I can't do this anymore, all right? I'm exhausted. I'm not a chef. Well, at least no one's storming out, Lemon, so that's a plus. So you have to. Besides, we don't have a chef, Lemon-- thanks to you. Yeah, well, at least my hire had other qualifications than "looks good in hot pants". Fanny happens to be a waitressing savant. You have got to be kidding me. You said I couldn't serve here unless I was 19. Well, that Fanny is a junior at Fillmore High. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no, Fanny... I'm sorry I lied. A minor serving alcohol? Bill, we didn't know! Oh, I'm sorry, but I have no choice.
It is my legal obligation to call this in. And they're gonna be taking your liquor license. (exhales) (buzzing) And that's Bertha, Claudia, Dolores, uh... Esther, Fae and, uh, Georgina. We named her after you, George Tucker. Aw. Thanks, guys. They are very cute. And I cannot believe that they all have names. (chuckles) Okay, so now about the Shakespeare show. Oh, we'd love to fill in. Great! But we can't. TOM: I have to work at the Dixie Stop tonight, and Wanda's got her hands full taking care of our babies. I have an idea. They need to be given their sugar water every hour on the hour. And look out for Miss Maisie Margaret-- she's wily! Oh, and don't forget to tape your socks to your suit. The bees will get in anywhere. And I mean (whispers): an-y-where. George, you ready? I'll teach you how to work the cash register. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Just give me one second. All right. Okay. Hey, Zoe. Hey, uh, thanks for doing this. It's really touching to see how driven you are to help me and Tansy. Oh, you, my friend, are welcome. (chuckles) Okay, well... have fun. Okay, bees... here's your lunch. Yum! Mmm, yummy yum yum! Okay... who's in my pants? (grunts) Okay, come on, get out! Get out! Out! Out! Get out! (yells) (screaming) (loud buzzing) Us working together was obviously a mistake. Genius revelation, Lemon. We are a bar. We cannot survive without alcohol. And another one. You are really on a roll. What are we gonna do? Nothing.
What can we do? Now, now. Wally, what are you doing here? Are you a ghost? Is this some kind of Obi-Wan thing? No, I was just down there in the basement getting my popcorn maker when I overheard you two. We lost our staff. And our liquor license. Well, can't say that's not disappointing news. We ruined your legacy, Wally. I'm so sorry. (laughing) Welcome to being a business owner. It's hard. It'll suck the marrow from your bones. It's all you're gonna think about morning and night to the detriment of your family and your friends. But every once in a while, you're gonna look around, you're gonna realize this is your place... your place and sometimes that's gonna make it all worth it. (laughing) But whatever. (Wally chuckling) Alcohol and Beverage Control doesn't close for the next half hour. What are we waiting for? Let's go. Come on. BRICK: Come on, now, Lavon, we have improv'd, we have discussed various theories and motivations. Curtain's in an hour. It is time to try the scene, at least once. I think we should do more of those mime-y exercises first. I can get out of the box.
No... (ringtone playing) I'm-I'm sorry. I should've shut this thing off. Shelby again? (ringtone stops) Brick... what's going on with you two? It-it's complicated, you know. There's just something I have to tell her, and, uh, I don't know how she's gonna take it. But... we are here to work on your issues, so... so let's hear the speech. No, no, Brick, I can't. Uh-uh. Yes, you can! Lavon! Come on, on your feet. What we are gonna do is, we are gonna visualize. Okay? You... are not that stuttering Scarecrow anymore. You are... Sir Ian McKellen. You are Denzel Washington. (chuckles) That's right. So, close your eyes now, and imagine with me-- the theater is filled. The lights are going down. You step on the stage. The audience is waiting, watching. They're breathless. The curtain... goes up... and... Hey! Oh, come on, now.
Wanda? Mm-hmm? I am so, so sorry, but I couldn't feed your bees. What? I'm-I'm so sorry. Th-They'll be so hungry. Uh, you know what? You go, and I will do the scene with Tom. Don't worry, we will make you proud. Oh. You're gonna kiss my husband. Just know, if there's any tongue, I'll remove yours. Noted. Hmm. And... 32 cents is your change. Seriously, George, could you fall any further? Boy, I dodged a bullet with you, huh? Good to see you, too, Daisy. (low chuckle) (sighs) Oh. Hey, babe. What are you doing here? How-how's your throat? No? "Why are you here? What happened to R J?" Oh. As it turned out, Dash had asked Zoe to fill in for Juliet, and I obviously didn't think it was a good idea for me to kiss her. (sighs)
"Why the 'H' not?" Uh... because I knew how uncomfortable it'd make you... babe. Um... (panting) So... when he comes out, I'll do the talking. What? No, I'll do the talking. Besides, it could be a woman, sexist. Good point. Those abs you must spend, what, 40 hours a week cultivating might actually prove useful. Didn't know you'd ever noticed them, Lemon. Well, how could I not, Wade? You parade those things around town like they're dancing bears. Actually... You... stop it! Get your hands off! I am not a piece of meat. (door opens, closes) (footsteps approaching) (gasps) Oh, my... (whispering inaudibly) What are we doing? This doesn't make any sense at all. (indistinct whispering) Well, well, well, who do we have here? (laughs) Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. SHELBY (quietly): Lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue, the lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue, the lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue, the lips, the teeth...
Brick. Hey there, honey pie. I just want to wish you good luck tonight. Flowers? Really? The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar... (whispering): You have been blowing me off all week. I've barely seen you since the hospital, and we live together. I know, and-and I'm sorry, but it's the therapy-- it's a big time commitment. You know, preparing, then counseling. But I promise you, just a few more days and then I am totally yours. Yeah, well, I have to get ready. An actor prepares. (Frank continues in distance) Wait a minute. You're Juliet now? (audience applauds) Nobody tells me anything. All right, go... go find Romeo and run your lines. (whispering): Tom, I'm doing the scene with you now. I'm sorry. What? No. Tansy. It's... it's okay. Tansy and her, uh... her crazy girl logic thinks that me not wanting to kiss you means I have feelings for you, so if I don't kiss you, then she's gonna be pissed. So... look, I-I just hope you brushed your teeth, Juliet, 'cause you and I are gonna be doing some major lip-locking.
Well, well, well. The tables have turned. Ms. Curran, please, help us. We had no way of knowing our new employee was a minor. Didn't you ask to see her driver's license? Well, she presented the only two forms of identification my partner checks. The point is, we're... we're a new business. We make mistakes. Surely, there must be some way we can make you forget this ever happened, right? Don't smile at me like that, Skeletor. But I think we can make a deal. What are you offering? Uh... free drinks for life? Lemon, you can't bribe the Alcohol Control Board with free booze. Oh. Uh... free breakfast? Free lunch. Oh, yes. That's sweet. But I think you both know exactly what it's going to take. (laughs) Fine. You're hired. (giggling): Yes. (flute plays) All the world is a stage. And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances. And one man in his time plays many parts. His act being seven ages.
At first, the infant, mewling and puking in his nurse's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel and shining morning face, creeping like a snail unwillingly to school. AnnaBeth. Oh. Hey, there. I got your message. I'm sorry about your migraines. No, I'm sorry for leaving you in the lurch. You okay? Well, I have to do my scene with Dale King from second grade, who I know is a stalker and may try to peel my skin off later, but otherwise I'm fine. (chuckles) Guess doing one of these things with the man I care about is just not in the cards. AnnaBeth, I lied. I don't get migraines. It's just, I tried acting once. I stunk. I don't want to go through that again. Well, you probably don't even remember... The middle school production of The Wiz. Who could forget? Uh... But, Lavon, this time will be different. This time, you're doing a show with it. No matter what, it will be something we did. Our first town event. And if we stink? Then we stink together. Patricia? Quinn? Ruth?
Susie? Where are you? Wanda! Wanda, I got your message. Is everything all right? No, Tom, nothing is all right. Our bees... gone. Okay, don't worry, we will find them. We... we have to put on something more colorful. We have to look like flowers. (Wanda squeals) Go to. I'm no more on it. It hath made me mad! I say we will have no more marriage! Those that are married already, all but one shall live. The rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery. Go. MAN: Yes! (applause, cheers) (whistling) DASH: And as Romeo comes upon Juliet's seemingly dead body, we begin. (flute plays) Arms... take your last embrace. And, lips, O you: the doors of breath seal with a righteous kiss. (music continues playing)
Whoa! No need for kisses, because I'm totally fine. What? No, you're not. Close call, Romeo. Oh! It must be a vision. Thou who is obviously dead appeareth awake. Oh, foul ghost, leave me. Allow me to kiss my very dead Juliet. No! Not a ghost at all. I liveth! I super-duper liveth. No kiss necessary. But I feel death coming. Nope. There's no death. Because it wasn't really poison. It was just a sleeping potion, and now it has worn off. And... happy ending! I see how it must be thus. Thus. (music ends) But surely thou wouldst feel healthier... with a kiss. (Zoe gasps) Now... with a kiss, I die. (applause) (grunts) Damn it.
Table four is good to go. So, uh... the new cook's only here on a temporary basis. So I'm sorry if there's any, uh... Well, now, you know, it really is quite good. It is? Mm-hmm. Well, all right. (chuckles) Yo, congrats. Excuse me? - Put her fucking down! Her name's Rose! - Put her fucking down! - She's fuckin' crazy. Look at her. She's off her fuckin' dial! - I'm not putting her down. - Yes, you fuckin' are. - Just shoot him! - I'm not putting her down! Just shoot him! Just shoot him! - Fuck, man. - I'm not putting her down. I've got a bullet for your head if you don't put her down. - Give me the gun, Freddy. - Vicky, what are you doing? You're embarrassing me in front of everybody. - Just shoot him! - Don't do that.
Shoot him! Just fuckin' shoot him! Vicky, please. - Just fucking shoot him! - Vic! Just fucking shoot him! Fuck, yeah, bitches! Go. No! No, no, no! No! No! - No! - Dad... - Fuck! - My skin's hot. Come on. Drink. Drink. ♪ .. Tiger land ♪ In any weather, we will see us with a grin... ♪ Hold tight, Rose. Hold tight. ♪ When we're behind, we don't mind ♪ We are gonna win We're from Tiger land ♪ The fighting fury, Tiger land ♪ And if you see us... ♪ Oi, oi! Eh!
Fuckin'... Eh! Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate! Fuck's sake! Get back here! Hold on. Hold on, Rose. Mum! It's Jimmy, Mum! It's OK, Rose. Mum, it's Jimmy! Mum! I've got a little girl! She needs help! Mum, she's burning up! Please! Mum, come on! Don't kick the fuckin' door! OK, Rose. OK. Here. Thanks. You little prick. There's no way you were coming back. And now here you are, just like that. - I was. - Oh, yeah. I was, alright? I wondered what I'd say to you if you did somehow magically appear. It's funny, you know, I...
I don't feel sad, happy. Just numb inside. I was gonna swing by, Mum. What do you want me to say, huh? Do you think I planned for this? Huh? - Can I bum a demon? - Knock yourself out. You seen your sister, by any chance? No. Well, I went round there yesterday. Had some chocolates for the girls. I knocked, waited, no answer. Called out, like an idiot. No-one came to the door. Not even the girls. Oh, so selfish. I don't have rights to see my own grandkids. It's that husband of hers. He's driven a wedge. - Didn't you go inside? - You even listening? No-one came to the door. I could tell that they were at home. Well, I did go around today. - Thought you said you didn't. - Well, I did. I wanted to use the car. So I went inside. There was a note on the coffee table saying they'd gone.
Packed up and left. Gone? Gone where? Didn't say, alright? Just said they'd gone. Explains why no-one went to the fuckin' front door. I mean, at least they're all together, right? Oh...who'd want to live in a world where you can't even say goodbye to your grandkids? Sometimes, I swear, the end can't come soon enough. How much petrol you got in the Laser, Mum? - You are unbelievable. - How much? Who you trying to impress? Running around, trying to help this girl. I'm just trying to help her, Mum. If you can't understand that, then that's your problem. Well, maybe I can't understand. I'm just your stupid mother. What would I know? What would I know about you? -It's gone. Someone pinched it. - When? Does it matter? You stubborn old bat. Try the shed. There's a couple of jerry cans floating round in there. Fuck. Mick down the street, he never came back for 'em once his shed was done. He won't be comin' back for 'em.
He went bush, like a lot of those nut jobs. Like that's gonna make a bloody difference. How about you, Mum? What are you gonna do? When it happens. You got anything planned? Got a few puzzles I'll try and get finished. Puzzles? Yeah. Good girl. Yeah. There you go. Good? Yeah? OK? We're gonna see Dad. You know what pisses me off the most, James? I already did this. I already said goodbye to you a number of times. More than once. And you had to turn up for real. Sorry, Mum. Don't be. It's a good thing what you're doing for her. You better go. Go on. Good luck with the puzzle, Mum. South-East Asia's gone. All of it's gone. My brother Steve's in Thailand.
Steve-O. I'm glad we got to have that chat before the phones went down. Hope you were somewhere beautiful, bro. Over. Sorry, James. What for? That woman said she'd take me to Aunty Janice's. I shouldn't have listened to her. I keep getting you into trouble. No, no, no. Don't be silly. Alright? It's over now. Don't be upset, alright? You don't want your dad to see you upset, do you? - No. - No. You're a tough chick. - Say it. - I'm a tough chick. - I didn't hear you. - I'm a tough chick. - I don't believe you. - I'm a tough chick! What happened to your girlfriend? Things didn't work out. You broke up? Yeah. She was pretty but not...that pretty. - Yeah?
- Yeah. She was weird. Thought you'd have had a much nicer girlfriend than that. Come on, James. Everyone's here! Dad! Dad, I'm here! Dad, it's me! Dad! I'm here! Come on, guys, it's me! Aunty Janice! It's me! I'm here! Dad! Where are you, Dad? Dad! Dad! Dad, it's me! Dad! Dad? Dad! Dad? - Hello? - Dad! Maybe they're over at the pond. Dad! Hello! Hello? Dad?
- Aunty Janice! - Hello! Dad! James? - Rose! - James. - They're not here. - You OK? - They're not anywhere. - Stop. Did you find anyone? Um... - Rose, you can't go over there. - Let me get past! Rose, please. Please. Come on. Why not? Why not? You can't go down there 'cause they're dead. - Dad! Dad! - Hey! Hey! Rose! Rose! You can't! You don't know what he looks like! - Please, I need to see him. - He's there, Rose.
Stop! Put me down! Put me down, please! - Put me down! - Hey, sit. - Sit down. - Please! I'm sorry. Rose. Rose! I need to see him. I need to make sure. OK. I'm sorry, Dad. I love you. - Rose? Rose. - No! - Now, come on. - No. I don't want to go. - Rose, he's dead. - I'm not leaving him. - Come on. - No! Come on, Rose. Come on. Let's go. - No, don't. - Come on.
Let's go. Arggh! What? Dad wanted us to be together when it happened. This is where I need to be, James. With Dad. I'm sorry. I wish you could have met my dad. It was in your dad's pocket. I remember this day. It was her birthday. Dad got the waiters to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. She looked really embarrassed, but I think she secretly liked it. You know, I'd have been a dad, Rose. Was that woman at the party pregnant? Not her. Someone else. Is she prettier than the other one? Yeah. Then how come you're not with her? 'Cause I messed things up. I've messed a lot of things up, Rose. What did you do? I left her all alone. There's still time. OK. Sorry I bit you. It's OK. See ya. See ya.
James. I'm gonna watch you until I can't see you anymore. Can you watch me too? Until you can't see me? Sure. Ladies and gents, I'm sure you can all hear that rumble in the air. We've got just under an hour. I just just don't know what to say. I'm trying to think of something poetic. It's coming. It's coming. No! No! No, no, no, no! No! No! No! No! Maybe it's nothing more than hope. Or maybe we'll see each other again. Well, wouldn't that be something? Wouldn't that be something? Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe. Zoe! I'm here. - Don't you touch me.
- I'm here. - Don't you fucking touch me! - Zoe! - I'm sorry. Zoe! - You left me alone! I'm sorry. Zoe. I'm sorry. - You left me! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm here! I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm here. I love you so much. I love you. - I love you. - I love you. It's beautiful. Ripped by Freaky. Sync. By A Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's time for cave-party time, baby! Aw yeah!
Let's get this camp fire going! Dude, it's gonna burn. Dude seriously, it's gonna burn. You're gonna burn it. STOP IT! You're burning it right now here. Aw man! Dude, I told you. Dude, where do you see yourself in 10 years? Easy, I'm gonna be a stuntman. Dude, that's so lame. You're probably still be working at the park. STOP TALKING! Hey, Mordecai, have we ever think we should bring another friend? You mean, like a third person? I guess we keep our inner circle pretty small. But it's not like we're ever gonna find anybody cool enough for the park, so... Yeah. Good cave party dude. Rigby... wake up Rigby Rigby Rigby wake up! Dude just keep quiet! STAY BACK! Whoa dancing caveman! This guy is awesome! Dude you are awesome! Looks it time to go from Mordecai and Rigby to Mordecai, Rigby and Dancing Caveman. Third friend! Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Anybody who can shot that much cheese is cool in my book. Who is that? He's a new friend. Dancing Caveman. Caveman? No, no, no way. I'm not having a caveman at the park. We are insured for it. What? ! That's not fair. Yeah! We can't just get rid of him. A caveman can not fit into this modern world. See? But it was one of us now. Really? What's his name? Get rid of him! But he will die out there alone. Come on! Benson! Please! B-E-N-S-O-N? Fine.You have a week to get him civilized.
Nice! Thanks, Benson. But if he is not up to park's standards in a week. I'm calling a pound! We are gonna need some help. That is the most civilized caveman I have ever seen Please call me Greg Good luck with the benson test! My good man! Dude that is perfect Benson will totally let you stay Yeah! And probably offer you a job Alright! let's go! Wait Me know you worked hard to help But me not civilized Ha? You forgot something Love? Me's a meat that i can't be truly civilized into me find other half I don't know Is there anytime to find before meeting with Benson? Certainly Her name Dian She frozen with my people How many were you there? We were many
Wow! How'd we find her? It will be easy She only cavewoman here Her beauty shine like star There she is My Dian Are you sure you wanna do this? Her forehead looks pretty big. Dian! How i have missed you! Eh? My love thousands of years and today begins a new Mordecai and Rigby give us an hour to catch up What do you want to do? Oh! We can't do that! It's more civilized times now Well me may look strange now but it's a way of time We have to change. You will have to change too It not so bad look at this pants Pretty weird ha? And that's television oh my... Here have some tea, calm you down. What you mean you don't know me anymore Dian? What am i? Greg where's Dian?
We we going through some stuff now Benson's waiting Me not ready But you'll go to the pond if you don't There only two things that happen there And you don't want them you will do fine Okay Dian! Call them off! What do you mean? Tell me why you do this? We going through some stuff right now I need a new job Caveman too strong and too many. You lose your jobs. Park destroyed. All my fault! Come on! Greg! We can do this. We just need use out brains. to think up something. Wait! In my time. My people value meat above all. You have meat. It's working! Dian. Greg! Come on!
let's go! Come on! Come on! What are you doing? Me sorry. Dian. What must be done. I'm sorry.Dian You alomst did But you were right It's wrong to give up self. Greg! Dude! Unlock the door! Get out of there! Thanks for helping me But me not belong in modern world You could be happy here No no need TV No need pants Need Dian No Greg thanks for being our friend Benson? ! I saw everything I had Greg all wrong He gave up all for true love In a way he was more civilized than all of us Mordecai Rigby
Clean up this mess Do it do it or you'll fired. Greg was pretty cool Do you think we should find another new friend? Two is good enough. And, er... how do you feel in yourself? Sorry? How do you feel in yourself? Does that mean the same as, "How do you feel"? Yes. Fine. Although, actually, I am feeling a bit... unhumped. Unhappy? That's the one. There's this girl who I like... like, a lot, but she's not speaking to me, so... Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without them. That's good. So true. Is that like, Buddha? Seriously? Cos if that's your own, you should work that up into a novel or something. So, now, you need to be aware that taking drugs as part of a medical trial does have risks, however small those may be. Dude, I've gobbled blank pills knocked out by rudeboys in gas masks. I go to un-franchised fried chicken outlets. I think I can handle a little bit of medical testing. Will it definitely come up? They're meeting for a big chat, JP. Ooh, big chat.
No-one likes a big chat. Still, maybe it won't. That for the first month I was going out with Josie, I was also going out with Heather as well? Well, maybe it won't, so long as they don't talk about any of the following - men, relationships, emotions, life, what either of them have been doing, or how they've been feeling. Yeah, so it probably will. When's Heather getting back from Honkers? Tomorrow, and please don't call Hong Kong "Honkers". I know you're posh. You don't need to remind me. Dude, can you seriously stop fiddling with your bulbs? Regular checks, my friend. A check a day keeps testicular cancer at bay. Is that an official rhyme? The best time is after a shower when the skin of the scrotum is more relaxed. Oh, mate, I do not want to hear about how chillaxed your scrotum is. Maybe Heather's plane will crash, then I wouldn't have to tell Josie. I mean, I'm not saying I WANT that to happen, but it would be great for me if it did. Who's she flying with? Cathay Pacific. Cathay Pacific? No dice. Oh... Well, that's it, then. It's over. Yep, you're fucked. So, for the next three days, do you want to come medical trialling? We get PAID to take drugs. It's like a job, but... good. Er... yeah, JP.
The man who checks his nuts once a day and won't drink unfiltered tap water? I'll sign up for dangerous medical testing. Hi. Just wondering if you'd read my play yet. No worries if not. Yep, here you go. So, what did you think? Obviously, since it's a 24-hour play season, I only had 24 hours to write it, so... No, I thought it was pretty tight. Yeah? It is tight, isn't it? I think it's tight. Maybe too tight. Ha. I mean, at 3am, I thought, "This is the best play ever written." And then I made a coffee and I looked at it again and I thought, "Actually, this might be the worst play ever written." And then I went to the loo and I looked at it again and I thought, "Actually, I think this might be the best play ever written." I think Nick might make a great Ainsley. He's got good hair and he's tall. Oh! What about Toby? Toby's got a great look. Yeah, if your idea of a good look is overweight and anxious. Exactly. Look, Candice, OK? This is an artistic enterprise that requires impartial decision-making. We're casting Nick, Ewan and Josh. You know Josh has got a girlfriend?
OK, well, maybe not Josh, then. Mm. It's ideal, three days of loading up on free drugs, and, get this, THEY pay YOU 600 boys. Who's with me? 600 quid to get off your nut? They're not recreational. They're drugs for the medical market. Ones that make your nuts swell up and all your hairs fuse to make a horn. Who gives a fuck about having a massive, horny head when you've got 600 quid? Exactly. Buy a big hat. Two guys fell into a coma after one of these trials. You do know that? Well, if you can't stand the heat... What, go into a coma? Pretty much, yeah. Well, I think it sounds great. Really? Go with the flow, I say. Well, you just said it then, yeah, for the first time EVER. Maybe it'll be a bit like a spa. Pharmaceutical Butlin's. I could learn loads. Let's do it. Pharmacology is not the study of how to take drugs. That's like me studying geology by eating gravel! OK, we get it, Howard. It's not for pussies. Don't come, then. I'm not a pussy.
I just think you're all out of your mind. Hey, Oregon, Candice! Come with us on a three-day medical trial. Yeah, no, we can't. Oh, no. Why? Well, we need to rehearse... Study. We need to study. She said rehearse. Yeah, she... she meant study. That's why I need to help her, because she doesn't even know the right word for it. So, hang on, if you're going to be away for three days, does that mean we have the place to ourselves? I will mostly be at the library, reading the book I have ordered. But I'll be eating and anti-eating here. Don't call it anti-eating, you freak. Just say shitting, like everyone else. Nice one. From scaredy-cat to drugs mule. Three days in a confined space. I realised, it's exactly what I need. You're going to tell her about Heather? This is ideal, because we'll be in a secure environment with medically trained staff, should she - not that she would - attack me. I'll be able to tell her everything, and she won't be able to storm off, and we can just talk and talk and talk. And she's got no choice but to just soak it up and listen to you. It's like torture. But in reverse. Nice. Hello, Audrey. That's a nice scarf.
Morning, Howard. It's actually a snood. Fair play. Do you know if Principles Of Petrology In Ultramafic And Gabbroic Rock In The Brady Glacier, by GR Himmelberg, arrived by any chance? It certainly has. At last. Someone's already taken it out, though. What fresh hell is this? What do you think you're doing? I'm afraid I need this book. I'm doing a thesis on the Brady Glacier. I've been waiting seven weeks for it to arrive. So have I. So have a lot of people. Probably just us, I'd have thought. You can't have it, so jog on. No, I won't. Oh, really? And, er... what are you going to do about it, then? You pussy. I am not a pussy. So, why are you acting like a pussy? Right, that's it. Outside, now. YOU want to take this outside? Well, given there are no drinks permitted inside the library, and I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass, I think we may have to. This is going to be good. Stack of reading. Plenty of TV.
A few potentially harmful compounds. Yeah, it's hard to know what to pack for a medical trial. Cos I thought there might be a party at the end. For the survivors? Hey. Sam. What are you doing here? Mind-fuck or what? I told you I'd be here three weeks ago, JP. I forgot. Anyway, I'm only really here cos my crew basically dragged me along. I'm kind of like their leader. Oh, you're fucking kidding me? The four of you couple up and play bridge for three days, while I get my gooseberry on? Hey, four-way bridge is a tops idea. You know how to play, right, Kinghead? No, because we're not retired teachers. Just standard contract. No Chicago or rubber or any freaky shit like that. I can't believe I'm stuck with boring couples. This is like going on holiday with Fleetwood Mac. I might head home. No, no, Vod, don't. We won't be coupley. We'll... we'll all share a room and muck about. It'll be a proper hoot. Well, better be a proper hoot. So, er... hi. Um... full briefings in the pack. But the overview is, this drug is still in its primary testing phase, so, there's no mobile or Internet access, no alcohol, cigarettes or other narcotics permitted on the premises.
OK, I'm off. Cheers, then. Er... Right, um... any other questions? Hi. Yes, what does primary testing phase mean, please? I'll field this one, Doc. I'm a pharmacology student. Um... the primary testing phase means that it hasn't been tested on humans yet. Yeah, but someone will have tried it, surely? Like, one or two people? No, that's what this is for. Have YOU not tried it? No, I'm the senior developer. Of course, yeah. You only developed it. Why would YOU try it? That would be ridiculous. Do you want to leave, Kingsley? No, I love a trial, especially one with the possibility of a death penalty. Ha-ha! Come on, then. What you got? Oh, I've got... the lot. What's going on? Everything OK, Howard? That's right! Run home to your mummy! This is my library now! If I see you here again, I'm taking you down!
You can run, but you can't hide! It's no biggie. It's made you realise how much you love her. When you're done, meet me by the pool. There isn't a pool. The... pool table. Or a pool table. The table? There is a table, yes. Meet me by the table. So, Doc, what drugs are we using? What are they? Antibios? Antipyros? Anti-inflammatories. An-flams! Sweet. I call them an-flams because I'm studying pharmacology. Yes, you said, several times. I'll be in my office, if you've any questions. I've got one now, actually. Could you maybe, just as a pro, check my balls? I'm sure it's nothing. I'm really sorry. OK. Because there's a whole world out there, Ainsley, outside this door. Room. Outside this room. Past this wall. Door.
Past this door. Beyond this... road? Street. But road is fine. Rose! Ainsley's happy here! As was Alfonso until you turned him against me. Actually... Ogs, I really don't get the whole Alfonso thing. Cos, like, Hilda marries him, but also hates him. So, I'm like, "Why do that?" Because she's cruel. OK, moving on. Anyone home? I thought you were at the trial. Sacked it off. What's all this then? We Had To Kill Her, by OP Shawcross. I've written a play. Oh, brilliant. Cos that's exactly what the world needs, innit, more plays? Yeah, well, you don't know anything about theatre, so... Er, excuse me. I've been to the theatre. You've been to A theatre. And it was rubbish. You saw STOMP. Which is theatre. No, it isn't. It's using the wrong things as drums.
It doesn't count. Now, can you please leave, because we need to rehearse? Leave my own house? Well, no, just the living room. Oh, just the living room. So, where exactly am I supposed to do my living? In any room apart from this one. OK. Cool, guys. Who's up for a board game? I've got five. Wanna start with Risk? Could be fun. Or it could be really dull and take hours. That's why it's called Risk. Sam was in the middle of telling us about her gap year, so... Well, great. My gap year stories are incredibly strong. JP, mate, following me here could be the last scene of a rom-com, but could also be the first scene of a horror film that ends up with my head on a stick and you wanking. I would never... put your head on a stick. Hey, JP. Can I ask a quick favour? Er... I was just about to lay down a gap year 'dote. It won't take a moment. ..Because you don't understand love, you selfish bitch! Your heart is small and shrivelled, like a sun-dried tomato! What's a sun-dried tomato? Can you not work it out? Given that its name is also an exact description of how it's made.
I'm sorry. We weren't allowed tomatoes. They're part of the deadly nightshade family, actually. Plus it's quite a clunky line. Well, you know what they say. There are no such things as bad lines, just bad actors. Mm, don't think they do say that. Look, I know you're pissed off because I cast Danny instead of fat Toby. But, please, don't fight me on every tiny thing. Where did you get that? Where did you get it, more like? Meaning what? Meaning you turned us lot into a play! What? That's crazy. You're crazy. Am I? Yes, you are. You're so self-obsessed that you've managed to interpret a piece of expressionistic agitprop as being about you. Which it is not. Not just me. It's also about Kingsley caring for his mum, only I'm his mum, and-and... and Kingsley's called "Ainsley". OK, I may have used elements of the "Kingsley caring for his mother" trope, but only because my own childhood was, unfortunately, very normal. Aw. There's little drama in your parents staying together and collecting wine, so I borrowed one or two things. You turned Josie into a sort of a troll thing called Gwen, who can't read and eats leeks and fucks everyone. It's well out of order. As a matter of fact, Gwen is a metaphor for the demise of feminism, hence why her surname is Feminism. What, so those two debt collector guys aren't JP and Howard? Mm?
The toff and the guy he rides like a horse? Lord Hugo and MacTartan clearly represent the coalition government. You know there's a bit at the end where Delphine's name changes to "Oregon"? Um... I... No, there isn't. It's probably the bit where you... ooh, sorry, Delphine, tell me... ooh, sorry, Hilda, that I drain the life out of people and then suffocate me with the net curtains! Which you couldn't do, by the way, cos you can breathe through 'em. But thanks for killing me. Really appreciate that! Oh, God. Sorry, I-I-I just can't do this. You said you would! Get Doc to do it or something. He's done it twice. I can't ask him again. It'll look like I'm getting off on it. You're not getting off on it, are you? There's bad things in me. I'm full of lies and bile. I've deceived the woman I love. I deserve to have cancer. Yeah. I-I-I'm pretty sure cancer doesn't work like that. If it did, Roy Castle'd still be alive and Tiger Woods would be carrying around a tumour the size of a fucking golf bag. Well, let me check yours, then. Absolutely not. Why? So I can see if mine feel different!
I just need a comparison, a control. All right! Fucking hell. Have a feel. Brisk, though. Like you're checking a peach. Nothing that could be described as a fondle. Aah! Are you OK? That was right in the zip. This fabric is very abrasive. Why are you punching a beanbag attached to the ceiling? I'm training. I'm going to be in a fight. So, how's it going? Well, I can now see why all the training bits in films are in a montage, because it takes ages. I think I'm doing punching wrong. I don't know if the thumbs are meant to be inside or outside the fist. It's amazing how complicated fighting is, yet so popular among stupid people. I'm going to get pummelled, aren't I? No. In fact, my friend Chris once showed me this illegal video about mind control by this devil man called Darren. Derren Brown. And he did this thing where you confuse your opponent by asking them weird questions which sort of melt their minds - and make them easy to attack. - Candice, we need to rehearse. Give me a minute. I don't know what you're meant to say to somebody before a fight, but be careful. I don't think that's what Don King whispered to Tyson seconds before he bit Holyfield's ear off, but... thanks. So, me and Max Parr went swimming in a waterfall in South Africa, and when we got back, he found a leech in his arse.
So, he tried to get rid of it by sitting on a ferrule that we'd covered in salt. What's a ferrule? It's the pointy end of an umbrella. Didn't know there was a word for that. Well, there is. It's a ferrule. Anyway, he accidentally pressed the button, which opened the umbrella whilst it was in his arsehole! Did that really happen? You bet your sweet bippy it happened. My gap year 'dotes are the stuff of legend. Do you have any more? I have seven more. Are you drawing an outline of your head? I think it's swelling up, so I'm taking hourly measurements. Will you help me? I think JP's been fucking with me. Er... your head's fine, Kingsley. The pills they've given me are poisoning me. I'm nauseous and I'm itchy and I think my balls might be lumpy and I can't move my little toes. No-one can move their little toes. Kingsley, maybe you should just leave. No. Look, I... I need to talk to you. Well, that's very sweet and everything, but technically I'm not a real doctor. No, about something else. OK. I, um... I... OK, look, um...
I didn't mean to, but... I... I... Oh, my God! I'm hyperventilating! No, you're not. You're just breathing a lot. I think I'm having a heart attack! Can testicular cancer give you a heart attack? ! OK. OK, OK, Kingsley, calm down. It's going to be OK. I'm going to fix this. So, we're on Max's dad's boat off the coast of Durban, and we were muchos masheoed. We'd taken, like, three bongs with us. Anyway, we were doing some scuba diving in pairs, and my partner was this proper fatty called Ed. You know, he's, like, a huge whale of a guy, such a bell, and it was hilarious, right, because he was scuba diving whilst we were getting our bong on, so the boat didn't have its anchor down and it drifted, like, two miles, and he couldn't find us, he got sunstroke and shat himself and nearly died! Guys, he shat himself. In his wet suit. He nearly died. My God, that's awful. No, it's not. It's... it's very funny. JP, you nearly killed a man. Well, the sea nearly killed a man and he was more of a boy, so... Wow. Yeah, that's loads better! Oh, come on.
He didn't actually die. Yeah, but he could have, and he was your partner. You're focusing on the wrong bits here. I was muchos masheoed. He was really fat. It's very funny. I'm sorry. I don't care what you say. Deep down, I know that that is a cracking anecdote. There are several boys at Stowe that refer to that story as El Classico. That's how good it is. I suggest you think on. Maybe it's not me that's out of whack here. In his wet suit, not in the sea. In the wet suit. OK, Rose, when you say, "I don't give a fuck what you think," maybe push over the chair. Yes. Brills. Thanks, Ogs. Ogs. Ha-ha-ha-ha! And I just stare out of the window? Yes, because you're pining for South America. So I hear a chair falling over behind me and I don't turn round, and that makes sense, does it? Yes, it does, because you're pining very hard to be away from the awful people you share a house with. So, it's like, push over chair. I don't give a fuck what you think. I do exactly what I want. Mm.
Don't say it like that, though. Can you just shut up, please? How should I be saying it? Ignore her. Well, when you say, "I don't give a fuck what you think," it should be like you genuinely don't give a fuck, not like you're saying it to piss people off. Hang on. If Hilda doesn't care, then she's not manipulative. She's passive. That's the opposite of everything Ogs has been saying. Exactly. Hilda is passive. She's making problems for people on purpose. Why else would she marry Alfonso? It seemed like a good idea at the time. What kind of defence is that? So, did she love Alfonso or not? Yeah! No. Ish. She's complicated. She's not complicated. She's actually very simple. She's totally thoughtless and resolutely self-centred. That's the character. Maybe Hilda's just unpredictable and up for stuff. Maybe that's why she's like that. What you need to be asking is why Delphine gives her such a hard time when it's none of her bloody business. Yeah, I completely agree. Why is Delphine so judgmental all the time?
All she does is come in, judge people, then leave. Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Because... Delphine is a good person. Like fuck she is. She is! That's why she says, on page 12... .. "I'm a deeply good person." And on page 32 she says, "I wish I wasn't such a good person." And then Gwen says, on page 39, "You are so kind to Gwen. "You are like beautiful angel to Gwen. You are." See? Delphine is good. You're bad. Your character's ba... The character Hilda, who is in no way based on you, is bad. Have you told her yet? I tried to, but my head's throbbing and I keep vomiting air. Huh! Faking illness to get out of the high jump. Old school. I like it. I'm not faking it. I think the drugs they're giving us are causing my system to shut down. Look, I need to try this anecdote out on you. I've been told it's hilarious, but it went down like spunk soup. Found it. Owen, Kingsley. You're on the placebo. Oh, thank God.
What are you on? I'm also on the placebo. What about me? No, JP, I can't. Oh, come on. Play fair. Fine. You are... on the drug. Shit. I wish I hadn't asked now. What am I on? No! No, I can't do any more. That's really naughty. Go on, just one more. Adam Colinson. One L. Kadan, Nina! You are... also on the drug. What was the other name? Guy Morgan. Morgan. Guy. You are... What the hell are you doing? ! There were some concerns, and I thought that... ..transparency is... important. But not as important as secrecy. This is a double-blind test. Testees cannot know what they're taking, or this is utterly useless.
Well, that's political correctness gone mad. He thought his head was swelling up. I was just trying to help. You have ruined this trial. Well done! Vod? What? Oregon's a bit of a state. Probably not getting enough attention. Rose has dropped out of the play. Looks like she might have to cancel. Look, don't say anything, OK? I know. My play's shit. My cast don't want to do it. I know all this. That's not why I'm here. Please don't wind me up, Vod. I don't need that right now. I'm sorry, OK? It's my fault for interfering. I'm a prick. Course you're not. It's my fault for being arrogant, high-handed and inconsiderate. Yeah, OK. Well, you could quibble with at least one. Oh, sorry. Yeah, no, you're not arrogant. Look, don't cancel the play, yeah, Ogs? I have to.
I haven't got anyone to play Hilda. Got a script knocking about? Why? Well, I'd better learn at least some of the lines, otherwise the director'll go fucking mental. You... want to be in the play? Not really. But I want to help out my mate, so... ..guess that's what I gotta do, innit? Mate, you should do it here. Buses are perfect for dropping bad news. They're jolly, they're full of people. They absorb and disguise arguments. It's like farting in Venice. Anything interesting? Just one from Heather. She just got on the plane. Not Aeroflot or Iran Air, by any chance? Dunno. I just... I can't wait to talk to her. Cos I feel so bad about how we left things last term. And I don't think she's completely over you, if I'm honest. No, I really think she definitely is. And there's one from Candice. She says she's in a play and that we could go along later. Hey, guys, can I drop you a 'dote? Great. Student theatre, the ultimate good time. OK, three years ago, I'm on my gappy in Durban, and my friend Max's dad owns, amongst other things, a mine and a massive boat. So, we... Oh, God.
Sam... Sam. Sam, hey. Now that we've busted out of there, any plans for later? Case of me and you on the mega-lash? I think probably not, actually. Er... why? Well, because, firstly, we've signed a form promising not to drink for the next 72 hours and, secondly, because you left a fat boy to die in the sea. Is that the anecdote? It is, yeah. Yeah, but it sounds a lot better when you tell it properly. So, he's back. And he's planning to borrow some books. With his blood. I was actually thinking of borrowing some books with my library card. So, this is it. Fighting. I'm actually doing it. Don't worry. It won't take long. Yield! Do you yield? Do you yield? What colour is nine? What? What's the capital of Wednesday? How fast is a fathom? Uh! Do you yield? Are we saying yield, then?
Is that how we're doing this? Ah! Yes! Are you all right? But I want to be a tooth doctor. You can't be a dentist if you can't read, Gwen. Those are the rules. Do you understand me? Now, take off that sack. I'm going to do that thing you like to you. Oh, my God. Is that me? Is that thing in the sack meant to be me? What, the one now being humped by JP? Yeah, I think it is. I'm going to fucking kill her. On your dad's boat in Durban. Yeah. Masharama! Mashley Cole! Mash, er... potato. Yeah. Um... do you remember Ed? Um... yeah, the fat guy. He did, in his wet suit. I know, it was so funny. Was that... my fault? But you mustn't tell Ainsley. I won't, Gwen. You can trust me.
OK, well, one night in Portsmouth, when Ainsley was away, I made sex with Bill, the big sailor who was staying in my boarding house. Oh, Gwen. You're so easy. I know, Delphine. I wish Gwen was more like you. But it's not really cheating if you're drunk, though. How is it? It's not great. Yeah, it's confusing, cos you're making a thumbs-up. OK, so... That's better. Sorry, by the way. It's not your fault. I wasn't sure whether or not to have the thumb in or out, is the thing, you know. When punching. Me too. Why are there not more online forums dedicated to that? That's useful information. What about the police? Don't let them put Gwen in jail. Don't worry about PC Hughes, Gwen. When we explain it to him, he'll see that... we had to kill her. This is the writer, so... props! So... What did you think? Yeah, I suppose I thought, "What the fuck was all that about?" Look... I have to tell you something. It's not a big deal.
And, if anything, it's made me really value what we have. Oh, my God. I got off with Baz. In Southampton. Before or after us? Once before. Um, then... after. Also, as a sort of follow-up mistake when I finished it with him. I'm so sorry, Kingsley. I... I feel terrible. And this is definitely not how I wanted you to find out from some retarded version of me. Yeah, well, these things happen. We've just gotta try to be understanding, I guess. Yeah? Yeah, I need to tell you something too. I was still going out with Heather until a few weeks ago. I accidentally two-timed you. What? I wanted to dump her, but her grandad was dying, and it was awful. Oh, fuck. I mean, I've been wanting to tell you for ages, because I feel so guilty all the time. I think that's why I thought I had cancer. On the upside, I won't be checking my testicles in public any more. Or so much. OK. Er, I guess... that means we're even? Yeah. Fuck. Heather?
Yeah, I'm really sorry. Which one was Baz? Baz was just a... cock in a sock. It didn't mean anything. No, sure, fine. Not like Heather. But if it didn't mean anything, why did you do it? Shall we just drop it? Yeah, sure, OK. I fucked up. We both did. I had a little fling. You... betrayed me with my friend. Equal. Was Baz's grandad dying at all at the time? We didn't even have proper sex. We were pissed. I don't even think it went in. Great. Thanks for that. I was looking for an image to burn onto my brain cells for ever. You were the one sleeping with Heather for weeks. That's trying really hard to dump her! I couldn't not sleep with her. She would have suspected something. Oh! Oh! I-I'm so glad you didn't get caught out. I'll make you a medal, shall I? Look, I'm sorry.
Look, let's.... let's try and focus on the positive, shall we? We're both bad people and we've done bad things, and we'll carry with us for ever the unbearable burden of shame. I was pissed! I'm young! And we can just say sorry, forgive each other and move on. Yes, yeah. You're... you're right. Um... I'm sorry. It's really great we cleared the air. Yeah, I feel a lot better now. Me too. In a way, this has worked out perfectly. Not... perfectly. But, um... pretty bloody great. Yeah, pretty great. Uh! Sam! Sam! He was paired with Ed Fallow. What? I checked with Max. He was paired with Ed Fallow, not me. My partner was fine. So, it's not my fault. OK. Good. Thanks for telling me. Er... can I come up now?
No! Go home. What? This is nuts. I really like you. What's going wrong here? Oh, I'm sorry, JP. I thought you'd get the message. I'm just... OK. That's actually great. Um, because I've been thinking about it and I think that we should have an open relationship. I'm not in a relationship with you, JP. Open, closed. Ajar, anything. I'm not your girlfriend. Just go home. OK, mate? It's fine that you've got someone else up there with you. Because, as I say, we're in an open relationship. No, we're not. Well, I am. And you can't stop me from being in an open relationship with you. That's how open it is. You can do what you want up there. You have my blessing! I dunno why, but... I like it when people clap. At me. I mean, I know it's just hands hitting other hands.

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