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did it hiss at you or what happened next?
it just sort of... looked at me. and I'm standing there in my socks with a suitcase open and I'm like this is not how I pictured my Tuesday night you know?
wait what happened? you look like you just saw a ghost
the mic check just happened and now my stomach's doing acrobatics. all those faces out there suddenly felt very real, like why did i think i could string two words together in front of people
hang on, you're white as a sheet—what's going on?
the best man just told me his speech went twenty minutes and now i'm staring at my notes like they're in ancient greek. classic me, thinking i could wing a toast to her with this much coffee in my system
did you finally get a proper 'i love you' out of the little one today or what
yeah this morning. just looked up from her cereal and said it clear as day. almost dropped my coffee.
guess someone's been practicing the magic words with you huh
totally unprompted too. was tying my shoe and she just threw it out there. felt like the whole beach went quiet for a second.
wait what did the ticket actually say?
meter was literally broken — like the display was dead and everything. they still wrote it up at 8:01. eight-oh-one.
so you're telling me you parked legally and still got hit?
yeah the street sweeping sign was for last tuesday. i took a picture and everything. now i gotta fight city hall at 6am.
you rehearsing your toast in your head right now or just trying not to trip over a root?
oh god both honestly my brain is like a blender with no lid right now i keep running through the opening lines and then my foot catches on something and i'm thinking well at least if i break my ankle i won't have to stand up there in front of everyone's faces staring at me like i'm about to combust which i probably wil...
so you're gonna wing it or did you actually write something down this time?
wrote it down three times actually and lost every single version i swear my pockets have a secret portal to another dimension where all my good intentions go to die and now i'm just trying to remember if i said 'joyful union' or 'joyous union' and honestly either one sounds like i'm reading off a greeting card from 198...
you good? what's going on?
not really no. so I'm trying to find my way back to the library but I took this street that looked familiar in the dark and now everything's just dead quiet and the streetlights are flickering. phone's on two percent and I'm pretty sure I passed the same graffitied dumpster twice. I'm doing that thing where you pretend...
caught you staring at your phone like you just saw a ghost, what happened
oh man. you know how you just scroll without thinking. muscle memory or whatever. there's her face from like five years ago and my thumb just... tapped. double tapped. heart appeared. and i'm standing here in the break room at midnight with a cold cup of tea and my whole face is burning. seventy-two years old and i'm o...
did you just commit the classic accidental like on someone's old post
guilty as charged. was scrolling through my feed not even seeing what i'm looking at. then bam. there's that photo of her at the beach from half a decade ago. my thumb just went rogue. now there's a little red heart sitting there like a neon sign saying hey remember me. and i can't even blame it on being young and dumb...
you're not gonna spill champagne on the mic or anything right?
oh god you had to bring that up didn't you. my hands are literally shaking right now holding this coffee cup and i haven't even touched the actual speech yet. been practicing in the bathroom mirror for an hour and every time i get to the part about your uncle's disastrous first marriage i lose my train of thought compl...
did you at least remember to bring the speech or is it still on the kitchen counter?
that's the worst part actually. i folded it up so carefully this morning and put it in my inside pocket and then my granddaughter asked me to tie her balloon and i must have pulled it out because now there's this crumpled piece of paper with juice stains on it sitting in my hand and half the ink is smeared. like what d...
what's the part that gets you most at this hour?
the quiet mostly. that and realizing i've had the same mug unwashed on the nightstand for like two weeks and i just don't care anymore.
do you ever get a minute to just breathe?
breathe? sure, if you count the three seconds between her calling my name and me finding her slippers. dream is a distant memory at this point.
wait what happened with that job thing you were so hopeful about?
oh it's just — you know how these things go. spent weeks on that application, rewrote the cover letter like four times because every version felt either too desperate or not desperate enough. and then yesterday the email comes through and it's like three polite paragraphs that basically say 'thanks but no thanks.' and ...
so that call today — that was the one you were waiting on, wasn't it?
yeah that was it. I mean I knew when I saw the number pop up. the area code gave it away. and I let it ring twice before I picked up because I wanted one more second of not knowing for sure. and then this woman with this very professional voice says 'we decided to go with another candidate' and I'm like oh okay thank y...
you sure you didn't just leave the sink running and convince yourself it's a burglar?
okay first off the sink was off i checked twice. second there's this scratching noise that's definitely not plumbing unless my pipes have grown claws. and then the motion sensor light by the garage kept flickering on and off for like twenty minutes straight. i'm sitting here on the couch with a fireplace poker like som...
you're telling me the guy at gate 12 is definitely a spy, right?
oh absolutely. no one brings that much carry-on luggage without some kind of agenda. bet he's got classified documents in that rolling duffel, maybe a falcon or something.
so what's your big conspiracy theory this morning, the coffee cart?
that coffee cart's a front, mark my words. way too cheerful for five in the morning. they're probably gathering intel on who takes creamer first. i'm onto them.
bit early for the beach, isn't it? you okay?
jet lag's got me waking up at five and this is the only place that's quiet. ironic right. city's got a thousand sounds but none of them are people you know.
you look like you just rolled out of bed. everything alright?
sleeping on sand seemed like a good idea at three in the morning. turns out the ocean just keeps roaring and the silence between waves is somehow worse.
wait, what happened with the food delivery?
okay so first they bring out my burger and it's clearly a chicken sandwich, like the bun is round and there's a fried patty in it, not subtle at all. i flag the guy down, super nice about it, like hey man this happens no biggie. twenty minutes later he comes back with the exact same thing just slightly re-plated, i swe...
so you actually got the order wrong twice?
twice is generous, they managed to fail in two completely different ways. first attempt was a chicken sandwich instead of beef, fine whatever. second attempt they brought a salad, which i didn't even order anything close to a salad, and the guy goes 'the chef said you looked like you needed greens' with this smirk like...
What are you going to do now that they're actually talking?
oh man I'm just gonna sit here and replay it in my head for the rest of the ride. clear as day she looked at me and said 'more cracker please' like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Do you think you'll try to get them to say it again on video?
probably not gonna force it you know? just let it happen again naturally. but my heart's doing this dumb little flutter every time I think about it.
so wait — they just left without giving you a reason?
y-yeah. just said 'it's not working' and walked. like i was a chore they finally finished.
how long were you two together before that happened?
almost a year. t-ten months. and i got a sentence and a half as the goodbye. feels like a prank almost.
so how'd the toast go? you looked a bit off when I saw you earlier
oh the toast was fine. it's the part where my feet forgot how floors work that really made an impression. whole crowd went quiet for a second, felt like a solid ten minutes of silence.
did you manage to pull off the speech without any disasters?
not exactly. tripped over my own feet walking up to the mic, did this full stumble-save that just looked like I was bowing to the cake. couple people clapped like I'd done it on purpose.
remember when we were kids and you'd always insist on being the one to check the mail?
that was me? oh god that was me. right. and then i'd be so disappointed when it was just bills. so this morning my phone just... it wouldn't stop. i'm standing there in my robe holding a carton of eggs and my phone is just going off and i finally look and there's the link and i'm like no. no that's not real. and then t...
didn't you used to hide behind the couch when the doorbell rang? always thought you were in trouble or something.
still do that honestly. the doorbell is the worst. so this morning it's three am and i'm in line at the grocery store because i can't sleep and my phone buzzes and it's a friend saying did you see it. and i'm like see what. and then i open the article and i'm standing there in the fluorescent light with a cart full of ...
wait, what happened? you've got that look.
okay so you know how i was stressing about the first paycheck right? like the whole 'did i lowball myself' panic. well it just hit my account and it's like a good three hundred over what i was expecting. i'm sitting here in the parking lot at kroger just staring at my phone like an idiot. the sun's all golden through t...
so you finally pried yourself away from the house, huh? what's next, a vacation to the grocery store?
grocery store sounds like a five-star resort at this point. the café counter is my version of a beach chair, and i'm not moving till the espresso kicks in.
look at you, out in the wild and not even wearing a bathrobe. should i be worried you've forgotten how to people?
people-ing is a muscle that's definitely atrophied, yeah. but i figured i'd risk it for the chance to stare at a wall that isn't asking me for anything.
So what happened? You just saw the message pop up?
n-no, worse. way worse. i'm sitting here in this hotel room, right, just trying to chill after that whole mess with the front desk, and i get this text from debbie. she's like 'did you mean to send this?' and there it is. a screenshot. of my text. about her. to her. i mean who does that? who actually forwards the exact...
Did you try to explain it away or just let it sit there?
explain? how do you explain 'that woman could talk a glass eye to sleep' when the woman herself is looking at it? i mean i typed it out, hit send to the wrong contact because my thumb's the size of a bratwurst apparently, and now it's out there. she's probably telling everyone at the reception desk. i'll have to check ...
wait so what did they actually do when she walked in?
oh my god so she just stood there with the bag of chips frozen mid-crunch and then pretended she was looking for the stapler. three feet from the filing cabinet.
did anyone else see it or was it just you?
kevin from accounting was literally pretending to read a memo but his glasses were fogging up from holding back laughter. whole floor knew within ten minutes.
wait so you're telling me they just handed it to you out of nowhere?
still trying to figure out if it's a prank or something
did you even see it coming or was it totally blindside?
zero warning. like getting hit by a truck i guess
did you call me just to brag or is there actual news?
okay so the thing is i was just out back eating my sad little lunchtime sandwich, right, minding my own beeswax, and then he just drops down on one knee in the middle of the grass like it's a rom-com and i'm still holding the pickle. pickle almost flew out of my hand. i said yes obviously but now i'm worried the ring's...
you sound weirdly calm for someone who just got proposed to in a backyard
calm is a generous word for what's happening in my brain right now honestly. like i'm vibrating but also my hands are shaking so bad i almost dropped the phone twice. he used the ring box from that dumb store we always make fun of and i think that's what got me. it's so on brand it hurts. and now my mom's gonna lose he...
what else did they remember?
they knew i hated cilantro. from one burrito six months ago.
anything specific they brought up?
yeah, that i always peel oranges in one strip. dumb thing to notice.
what do you think you should do now?
okay so i'm just standing here by this weird food court pretending to look at a menu because i don't want anyone to see me panicking. the phone's at like six percent and i swear every street looks exactly the same with these awful orange streetlights. there was this guy earlier who kept staring and i walked faster but ...
so what's the move from here?
honestly my brain is just cycling through the dumbest ideas. part of me wants to sit on this curb and wait for the battery to die completely because then i won't have to keep checking it every two seconds. there's a guy walking his dog across the street and i keep trying to catch his eye to ask for directions but he's ...
so what happened this time? did they actually give a reason or was it another 'sorry something came up'?
oh it was even better — they texted me while i was already in the car saying they forgot they had a thing. third time in a row. i just sat there staring at my steering wheel for a minute.
What's the weirdest hypothetical you've come up with so far on that drive?
okay so picture this — if you had to pick one animal to re-evolve into over the next million years, which one and why. been chewing on that for like two hours now.
Did you stop for gas yet or are you still just letting your mind wander?
passed three exits thinking about whether you could train a squirrel to do your taxes. not a great sign for my mental state honestly.
so you're telling me the flight got really hairy after you left the airport?
dude the plane started bouncing like a shopping cart with a bad wheel. grabbed the yoke so hard my knuckles went white. definitely thought about just asking the sky if we could take a raincheck.
heard the turbulence was worse than expected on your first solo — what was that actually like up there?
felt like someone was playing drum solos on the fuselage. my brain kept going 'this is fine' but my stomach was doing the math. kept waiting for the instructor to pipe up from the back but it was just me and the angry clouds.
you seriously didn't tell me the whole game came down to that?
clock hits zero and the ball's still in the air, whole bench holding their breath. then just the loudest thud you've ever heard and everyone losing their minds at once.
so what was the actual moment like from where you were sitting?
honestly time just stopped for a second, then the noise hit like a wall. never screamed that loud in my life, pretty sure my voice is gone for the rest of the week.
so when's the last time you actually had a whole day to yourself?
god, what even counts anymore. like if you mean a day where i didn't have to think about med schedules or phone the insurance or figure out why the hell the bathroom light keeps flickering — i genuinely can't remember. last month maybe? no wait that was the week i spent three hours on hold with the pharmacy and then my...
how are you not completely losing it by now?
oh i'm losing it trust me. just quietly. like yesterday i found myself standing in the kitchen staring at the kettle for a solid two minutes trying to remember if i'd already boiled it. and the thing is it's not even the big stuff that gets you — it's the tiny constant low-grade hum of someone needing something every s...
so wait — you saw her at a gas station? in what country even?
yeah — i mean — i'm still not sure it even happened. it was that little shell station just outside osaka — you know the one with the weird vending machines out front. i was just grabbing a bottle of water and i hear this laugh — that specific laugh i haven't heard in like twenty-something years — and i turn around and ...
did you actually talk to her or did you just freeze up?
both — like i froze first and then my mouth just started going without my permission. we talked for maybe five minutes but it felt like — i don't know — like time did that weird stretchy thing. she's married now — works for some design firm in tokyo — has a kid named ryo. and i'm standing there in my travel hoodie with...
wait you actually fell asleep in there? how did nobody notice?
oh everyone noticed alright. woke up to that horrible little snort sound i make and the whole room just went dead quiet. spent the next ten minutes pretending to read a pamphlet about shingles.
so you're telling me you snored loud enough for the whole waiting room to hear?
louder than i'd like to admit. that little old lady across from me gave a look that said 'bless your heart' and i haven't felt my age like that in years. just sat there turning beet red.
Wait, weren't you supposed to come tomorrow?
yeah that would be the smart move wouldn't it. showed up at their door with a bottle of wine and everything and they're just standing there in their bathrobe.
Did you get the date mixed up or something?
oh completely. like a day early with a store-bought pie and they're still setting up chairs. wanted to crawl under their porch honestly.
what's that lump under your arm, some old sweatshirt?
god this thing smells like 1985 and bad decisions
you're not about to cry over a piece of fabric are you?
nope just remembering when my knees worked
how's the morning treating you so far
just staring at the phone waiting for it to ring actually
you manage to get any actual sleep last night
kept thinking about how quiet the calls are getting now
what's got you out here this late?
biopsy came back inconclusive so now i'm just… waiting again. they said forty-eight hours but it's been three days and my brain's been running laps the whole time.
you look like you're wrestling something in your head
kind of am. every time my phone buzzes my stomach drops and then it's just a group chat about pizza. feels like i'm stuck in this weird loop of okay maybe it's nothing then back to worst case scenario.
you've been staring at the lights for like ten minutes now, what's on your mind?
just thinking about my folks. fifty-two years and they still make each other laugh.
that little sigh — you thinking about them again?
they slow-danced in the kitchen tonight. my dad stepped on her foot twice.
so what's the deal with that painting you were staring at when I walked in?
okay so there's this couple at the table next to it and they're having the most passive aggressive conversation about a chia pet. like genuinely heated. i couldn't look away.
did you actually order something or are you just squatting here with your iced tea?
got a muffin but then the barista called it a 'morning glory' and now i can't eat it without feeling like i'm in a hallmark movie. it's just sitting there judging me.
what do you think you'll do next now that things are calming down?
honestly my brain's still stuck on them just showing up at the gate like it was nothing. thirty years of knowing someone and they still pull that off.
any idea what your next move is with all this?
probably just sit here a while longer. watching people walk by with their coffees feels right when your sibling just flew across the country for a hug.
didn't you say he was supposed to be living in australia or something?
that's what i thought! like pretty sure i heard he moved to perth years ago and here he is pumping gas at a shell station in puerto vallarta of all places. i almost walked right past him honestly because he's got this whole silver fox thing going now which is just not fair at all. he recognized me first can you believe...
wasn't that the one who always wore the beat-up leather jacket to school?
yes that's him! same jacket actually can you imagine. it's all cracked and faded now but it's definitely the same one with that little rip on the sleeve from when he caught it on the chain link fence sophomore year. i asked him about it and he just laughed and said it's his lucky jacket apparently. we stood there for l...
remember how you used to drag me to the gate fifteen minutes early every single time?
god i've been running on fumes so bad i literally can't tell if that was last week or like three years ago. time's just gone, you know? shifts blur together, i'll look up and it's dark again, someone's handing me coffee i don't remember asking for. and the thing is i used to be so on top of everything, like boarding pa...
wasn't it you who always made us sit by the window so you could watch the planes line up?
h-honestly i barely remember doing that, which is wild because i remember every dumb little thing about those trips. but right now my brain's just static. like i'll walk into a room and forget why, and i had three cups of coffee today and still feel like i'm moving through syrup. the hospital's been nonstop, and i thin...
you're probably just sitting there staring at the departures board, aren't you
no okay actually i was staring but not at the board. been watching this one guy in a hawaiian shirt who's walked past the same trash can like seven times and every time he does this little pause like he's waiting for it to say something back. either he's casing the joint or that trash can owes him money and i'm honestl...
you look way too focused for someone just sitting around
okay so here's the thing. that pilot who walked by with the coffee? too relaxed. nobody who's about to fly a metal tube full of people is that chill unless they're hiding something or they've already accepted their fate. and the boarding announcements keep calling me by the wrong name like it's a test and i'm supposed ...
okay so what are you gonna do now? like are you gonna message or just pretend it never happened?
oh god i already panic-unliked it which probably made it worse. like congrats you just made it obvious you were lurking. definitely not messaging. gonna stare out this dark train window and hope my phone loses service forever.
do you think they saw the notification or are you hoping the algorithm saves you?
honestly the algorithm never saves anyone. that thing loves exposing you. pretty sure my phone buzzed the second i did it and i just sat there holding it like a live grenade. whole train car probably heard me whisper 'no no no' under my breath.
wait why do you look like you just saw a ghost
my phone just said i won four hundred bucks
what's got you grinning at the dumbbells like that
remember that scratch ticket i bought months ago? yeah it finally paid out
okay what just happened back there?
that woman in the floral dress. she walked by and i caught her perfume and it's exactly the one my grandma wore. like exactly. the one she'd put on before we'd go to the diner for pancakes and she'd let me put a drop on my wrist too even though i was like eight. and i just froze. i was mid-sentence talking to you about...
so what's the plan for tomorrow morning then?
oh god I don't even want to think about it. been running on coffee and sheer stubbornness since Thursday and the meeting's at eight thirty. I was up till midnight last night redoing slides because someone decided we needed a new format and of course nobody told me until after five. was gonna prep more today but then ra...
you gonna be okay for that meeting or do you need to bail?
can't bail is the thing. this is the quarterly one with the regional director and he flies in special for it. I had this whole plan to be organized and calm and then my kid called Thursday night with car trouble and my neighbor needed a hand with something Saturday and suddenly it's Sunday evening and I haven't even lo...
remember that time you told me you could sleep on a clothesline if you had to?
god yeah that feels like a lifetime ago. that was back when i thought tired was like a thing you could just power through. three nights now. three. and the weird part is i stopped feeling it in my eyes or whatever — it's like my bones are just hollow and my brain is this static hum that won't shut up but also won't for...
didn't you say once that coffee after 4pm makes you hear colors?
yeah well colors are the least of my problems right now. drank three cups since noon and all i got was this jittery hollow feeling like my heart's running a marathon i didn't sign up for. i keep thinking if i just finish this one more thing i can stop but there's always another thing. always. and the worst part is i ca...
did you end up sleeping at all last night or was it just staring at the ceiling again?
slept a bit around four maybe. woke up when the light started coming through the curtains and for a second forgot where i was. then it all came back like a truck. been lying here looking at this old crack in the ceiling i used to stare at when i was fifteen. funny how the room shrinks the older you get. the bed feels t...
did she leave any note or anything at all to explain?
nope. just a text. three lines. said she needed space and hoped i'd understand. understand what exactly. thirty years of knowing someone and that's the closing argument. i keep checking my phone like maybe there's a follow up. something that makes sense. but the screen stays dark. this room hasn't changed since i was s...
wait you actually remembered that from months ago?
yeah you mentioned it once and it just stuck
how do you even recall stuff like that?
dunno. just the way you said it i guess
did you get lost coming here or was it just the bus
god that one block with the dead end. phone at six percent too.
you looked a little rattled when you walked in
three wrong turns and a guy yelling at a fence. yeah.
what do you think you'll do when this stretch finally ends?
honestly not sure my brain even knows what 'ends' means anymore. like yesterday i walked into the break room and just stood there staring at the coffee machine for what felt like five minutes before realizing i didn't even want coffee. my daughter keeps texting asking if i'm coming for sunday dinner and i haven't even ...
any plans for your next day off or are you just gonna crash?
crash sounds optimistic like i'd have to actually reach a bed first. last time i had a full twelve hours off i spent four of them just sitting in the car in the garage with the engine off because walking up the stairs to the apartment seemed like a whole expedition. my knees are making sounds they didn't make when i wa...
who was that person you just waved at?
some stranger paid for my coffee and left a note saying i had a nice smile
what's that little piece of paper you're holding?
oh this? just a note from a stranger who bought my coffee this morning