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[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 98th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, November 12, 1998 at 4:00 pm.\nHello, Anna. Please sit..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not so loud." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm? What's the..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Quieter, please. Lower your voice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's much better, thank you. I have a very bad headache." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you take anything for it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Advil. I took three things of Advil about one hour ago--and at ten this morning and last night at..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna, what's going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I have a very bad headache." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I got that. Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been doing some moonlighting for the police, and it's been hard on my head. God, do you mind turning off the lights?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure. Are you photophobic?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess. The light just kills my eyes. I've been working in a closet all day with my screen brightness turned down to almost nothing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Why didn't you just go home?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I want at least some appearance of a normal life and some privacy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And the analgesics are not helping?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not really." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you up for having your session today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm hoping it will get better. And I don't really want to go home--I'm too tired." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Most people prefer being at home when they are not feeling well..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Most people don't have a young, go-getting, overly eager, leather sporting detective living with them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And when did this happen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess it was Sunday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You guess?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They weren't able to find Kathy on their own. And for some reason they think I'm just their guy to do it for them, with a little help of Mister Trevor the Terrible." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Trevor being the detective living with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They imported him from somewhere East." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And what is it that they want from you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm to play a girlfriend to this Leather Geek. You'd think that the man never touched leather before in his life. Hmm..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you want to lie down?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, thank you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, so Trevor is a detective assigned to Kathy's case, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. We're supposed to go around to all these underground S&M clubs in the city--most I've never even heard of--and gather information on Greg and his minions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. So the police believe Kathy is with Greg?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know she's with him. What the police believe is a total mystery to me; they don't tell me nearly enough for me to do what I do for them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what is that? What are they asking you to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We are supposed to go around to underground S&M clubs." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you tell me in a little more detail what it is that the police is asking you to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Last week, they contacted my boss to ask for me to get time off so that I could participate in an investigation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was nice of them to ask." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. They managed to get Mr. Major involved. Can you believe the nerve? They went to the CEO of a large company to ask for an employee's leave of absences, and they did it without asking me first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So now everyone knows that I'm doing something undercover for the SFPD." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure it wasn't their intention to spread rumors about..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This is SII we're talking about. We live off rumors. Who has time to have a life outside of the company?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, you do." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But to a very limited extent." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I guess it's all about how you spend your limited free time..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So everyone in your department knows what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not much, really. They know that I'll be working on a police investigation regarding the disappearance of my ex-roommate." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They know that much?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I had to tell them something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And is Martin involved?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He said they didn't ask him to do anything. They just want me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was kind of sweet--Lloyd came in to see me and asked me if I felt up to this or if I would prefer not to get involved." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He was very concerned for my safety. I told him that I wanted to help, and that if I could assist in getting this case closed or resolved, it would ultimately be in my best interest to do so. He was as nice as could be. He said that I'm a hero for doing this and that he is proud of me. He was so fatherly about the whole thing, but it was nice. I felt like I belonged there and that people cared about me. We ended up going to lunch together--just Lloyd and I. Cool, huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very cool." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I sort of ended up telling him the whole story over coffee and eclairs." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Lloyd was interested and very sympathetic. So now I can come and go as I please. I still get to work on our project, but my part is somewhat smaller for awhile, hopefully, not for too long." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So have you done anything yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. So far, Trevor and I went to three night clubs...strip clubs...well, they are like a mixture between a strip club and an S&M club." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, people who attend S&M parties are usually regulars. They already know that they are interested in doing this or at least in trying it. And the club events tend to be in people's basements and attics and stuff. The places we've been to are different." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They are more commercial in nature." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've always assumed that there were club membership fees and party fees for the S&M clubs that you went to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's true, although some parties are free--when a couple of friends get together..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But these places we went to were set up more like regular strip clubs, and they catered to the curious crowd rather than the hardcore S&M group." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There's very loud music playing all the time, and there're obnoxious DJs acting as hosts and masters of ceremonies." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's the origin on your headache?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's so loud. Thank god, it's illegal to smoke in those places now. I swear, if smoking was allowed, I wouldn't be doing it. That would be the last straw." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you don't like doing this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. Not really. Mostly, I just want it to be over with. I don't even care that much what happens to Kathy anymore. If she wants to be Gray's slave, than leave her the fuck alone. It's her life. If she wants to throw it all away like that, then...I sound cruel, don't I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No. I think you've been through a lot yourself. I'll be very happy when all of this is behind you. I think you've assisted this investigation quite enough." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Me too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And I think all of this is having an effect on your health." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Do you want to know more about these clubs?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They are dark with some colored and strobe lights wildly circling the room--another contribution to my splitting headache." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why is there a division?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "At a regular party, there are multiple scenes going on at once--there's enough material to satisfy the voyeuristic urges and to inspire creativity. But these places are set up differently. The patrons come mostly to watch the shows, although there are private rooms in the back where there is some customer participation activity going on, but on a limited scale." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "These places are more about making money then about like-minded individuals participating in a...it's not like a group of S&M devotees getting together." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The customers get to sit around the stage, drink, watch the show, and shovel over tips. If customers want some action themselves, they can request a submissive or a dominant that they like and go in the back for a very, very short time to do whatever." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Were you asked to participate in that way by the police?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. My job is to pretend that Trevor is my new dominant partner. One time, I had to sit by his feet, through most of the show. That wasn't fun. But when he wants to talk to someone in the back, Trevor usually leaves me and goes alone. As his submissive, I'm not really required to participate that much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you seen people you know at these places?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I saw three of Kathy's customers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This is just another outlet for these people, and it's cheaper than what Kathy was charging." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There was this one guy in there. He was in a wheelchair, and he had one of those oxygen tank things. He was breathing though the mask, and he had a male nurse accompany him. He was there when we came in, and he was still there when we left two and a half hours later. He sat right by the stage, and the performers came right up to him and let him smell the burned flesh after the brandings..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He was clearly a regular, and it was very disturbing. It was very disturbing for me. I felt dizzy and started seeing spots in front of my eyes. Trevor literally had to carry me out of there. But no one cared. It was as if this was normal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When was this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Tuesday night. I've had a headache ever since." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And how many times a week do they expect you to do this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. We did three this week. I'm getting really tired, is it that time yet?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, it is. I'm sorry. Go home, Anna. Take care of yourself. And if this is too much for you, you know that you can always say no." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right. I'll see you next week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Goodbye, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 62nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, November 13, 1997 at 4:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Before we begin, I'd like to set things straight, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Last time was very unpleasant. I really look forward all week to seeing you, Doctor. I think of our time together as very special moments of my life--bits of reality that I tuck away for my pleasure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. That's very poetic." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. But I really do feel that way, Doctor. This is my time to step back and disassociate myself from real life. It's very therapeutic for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you think of our therapy as therapeutic." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Very funny. But you know what I mean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I have to say that I don't think of therapy as a place to move away from one's problems. Quite the opposite, I..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't say \"move away,\" Doctor. What I mean is that I think of our therapy sessions as...as a mud bath." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mud bath?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've never really taken one--I'm not into mud that much--but I assume that when a person is sitting submerged in mud from neck to toes he won't be moving away from his problems." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm afraid I'm lost." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It would be more like he would be gaining a new perspective on them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A muddy one?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sorry." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What I mean is that the relaxation a person feels while taking a mud bath would change how he reasons about his personal problems. That it would...never mind. It's not important about the mud bath. I was just trying to explain that coming in here and talking to you changes the way I feel." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What changes do you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Many changes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, try to give me an example." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Something that I think of as important before I come and talk to you suddenly become less so after our session. Things like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You still didn't give me an example." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what I mean, Doctor. Stop this!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know. This is what you did to me last time. I really hated last time. Can we just move past this and continue with our regular therapy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's our regular therapy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't play dumb. You usually ask me about my week, and I tell you how it was. Then you pick a particular thing that we concentrate on for the rest of the session. But it's never in the form of interrogation. It's pleasant and nice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. So how was your week, Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's better. It was stressful. Kathy accused me of acting strange all week. And Martin will be leaving for Boston on Saturday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's start with Kathy. Were you acting strange all week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So why did Kathy accuse you of it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She thinks I'm mad because Martin and she made love without me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You were upset by that, remember?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course I remember, Doctor. But as I told you and as I told them, I had PMS. I'm allowed, you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you explained away your behavior by ascribing it to PMS." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I started taking these birth control pills, and I have much more pronounced mood shifts just before my periods now. Kathy and Martin have noticed this before; they understood when I told them that I was acting irrationally because I thought my period was coming." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What birth control pills are you taking?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The little ones, I don't remember the name. There's twenty eight of them in a package." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you can let me know the name of the pills next time, it would be good. I try to keep a record of all the medication that my patients are taking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll try to remember to bring a package with me next time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. So, why was Kathy still upset with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did she say anything that made you believe that she was upset with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She said that I act a lot more irritable with her than I do with Martin. And that I've been avoiding her after the...after the incident." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After you walked in on them making love?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. But it's not really true. I've just been very tired and stressed lately. It seems that Martin is having all the fun working on this new project, and I just get to do endless stupid shit that I know they'll change anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Did you talk to Kathy about this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Whenever I talk about the project at home, Martin jumps in and starts to rave about just how terrific it is. He's met with Lloyd Major--they went out for lunch, actually. Lloyd--we call him Lloyd now--is very impressed with Martin. He thinks he's got great ideas. He's got Martin flying to Boston to meet with the artificial intelligence team at MIT. He'll be gone all next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds very exciting. Are you happy for Martin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But I think Lloyd just likes Martin's cute little ass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I heard a rumor he was gay. But he's got a wife, so...I know I sound resentful, Doctor. It's just been very stressful for me lately. And before you ask, I don't really know why. It just has been, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you like Martin's project?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really know much about it. I mean I know some parts--the stuff I've been assigned to code. But Martin told me that his ideas are still kind of rough, and when he's thought things out better, he'll try to explain it to me. He had no problems talking to Lloyd about it, though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But he has to talk to Lloyd to get his project approved, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I suppose so. I am really happy for him. He's doing what he always wanted to do, and that's great." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And how about you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually, I really love my profession, too. I like the \"solving the puzzle\" feeling that it has and the thrill of getting it right. I just wish I was more in the \"in\" group. It helps to understand the goal of the project. Otherwise, it's just blind programming--what seems like a good answer usually turns out wrong in the large scheme of things. You know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I understand. But let's get back to your conflict with Kathy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not really a conflict. Kathy's mad at me for nothing; I just don't care to deal with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. So Martin is leaving on Saturday?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, great. I'll have a whole wonderful week with Kathy. Yippee!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you going to try to resolve things with her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I know she'll try--girl-bonding sort of thing. I guess I'm really in a bad mood." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just had an image of oral sex flash in my head, and it just made me...hmm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And it made you...?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, nothing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you worried about having sex with Kathy while Martin's away?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not exactly worried, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Apprehensive, perhaps?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Licking my clit is Kathy's way of saying \"I love you.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you be expected to say \"I love you\" back?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wow, look at the time. I'm just amazed at how time flies when you're having fun. I think I better go and try to wipe the mud off before getting home to my lovely family." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, we can end for today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor. I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated. Maybe I'll get Kathy to give me a few lashes for good measure--it'll make me sleep better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll see you next week, Anna. Please take care." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Have a good week." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 63rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, November 20, 1997 at 4:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Anna. Please come in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. Before you have another moment of uncertainty, the answer is yes. Okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you talking about having sex with Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What else?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So you had sex with Kathy last week. How was it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, god. I faked an orgasm..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Hers might have been real, who knows?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did Kathy have a good time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why aren't you interested in whether I had a good time?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I am. Did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not that simple." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Why don't you tell me what happened, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Martin left, and it was just Kathy and I for almost a whole week--just us all alone in the apartment, two girls...excuse me, women..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it started to get real weird even before Martin left. The tension was just unbelievable. I think even Martin knew that shit was going to hit the fan as soon as he left, and--this was almost comical--Martin just couldn't wait to get the hell out of town and out of the firing range." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. But now Martin's back." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. He stayed away for an extra day. He said that he had more to do there, but I believe that he was just scared." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Scared to come back." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess he had every reason to be." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When did he come back?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Last night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We have been on our best behavior so far." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You and Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It won't last long; Thanksgiving is coming up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "My parents are expecting Martin and I to show up for dinner." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They are not expecting Kathy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you remember, Kathy is not exactly on my parents' invite list after what she's done." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is Martin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We managed to convince my parents that Kathy was just having a hysterical nervous breakdown and was hoping to hurt me by telling them Martin is a sadist and that he's into sex with multiple partners and...just tons of crap. It took months for my parents to get comfortable with Martin again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They know that the three of you are living together, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, remember how that all got started? Basically, my parents think that Martin and I doing Kathy a favor by letting her be our roommate. We told them the story of decrepit conditions in which Kathy was living. And I even think that they thought we--that's Martin and I--are extremely generous and noble for helping a friend like that, especially after she tried to ruin our relationship the way she did. In fact, they think that Martin and I are being generous to a fault. I know that when we go over there for Thanksgiving, they will try to encourage us to move Kathy out. They really have hopes for Martin and me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your parents are hoping that you two will get married?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "My mother keeps hinting at it. I think she wants grandchildren. All her friends have some, and she's ready." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, exactly. It's going to be ugly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's get back to what happened after Martin left town." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. As I said, Kathy was already strange for about a week before Martin so conveniently exited the picture. But with Martin around, we managed to keep it more or less together. But as Martin's departure approached, Kathy was getting more and more agitated. She was all but hysterical on the way to the airport. She tried not to let Martin and I hug and kiss goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She just hung on both of us and wouldn't let us have any privacy. Finally, Martin managed to whisper in my ear that he loved me and boarded the plane. And then, it was just her and me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did you handle that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I said that I had to work overtime the whole week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean, \"Did I have to?\" No. Did I? Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So basically you ran away from the problem." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's one way of putting it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And how would you put it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I tried to avoid the problem. But it's really a moot point, because Kathy didn't let me get away with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did Kathy do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, the first night after Martin left, I managed to sleep in my office at SII. But in the morning, Kathy was there. She said that she was going to take me out for Sunday Brunch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I felt trapped. I didn't really have much to do, and I was too tired to come up with a good reason not to go with her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How was brunch?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was strange." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess Kathy decided to make up with me. She took me to a lesbian hangout. This place was basically a bar, but it does Sunday Brunches in a little courtyard outside. It's sort of a green house with one of the walls made out of tent-like curtain--I guess they pull it down when it gets too cold. It was actually pretty sunny that day, if you remember. They had tons of orchids outside. It was lovely. But the waitresses were wearing leather outfits with whips attached to loose hip belts--\"Conan the Barbarian\" fashion." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Interesting place." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, very colorful. So we had eggs and some pastries served to us, and at the end of the meal, all the waitresses sort of grouped around our table. I looked at them, at Kathy, and everyone's smiling at me. Then they played the theme music from \"Xena, the Warrior Princess.\" Have you heard of it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Vaguely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a television show with two women characters playing hero Amazon parts. They dress completely in leather and fight with swords..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Kathy likes the show, and I've seen it with her a few times. It's not bad. So, here they all were smiling at me. And then Kathy handed me this giant present in a box. You would never believe what was inside, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was a complete leather Xena outfit. Very cool. They made me go in the bathroom and put it on." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did it fit?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll bring you pictures, and you can form your own opinion, Doctor. When I came out, they all applauded and cheered. It was sort of embarrassing. Apparently, this bar does Xena Night every Sunday evening--they record the show during the week and play it on the giant TV in front of a very receptive audience. We--Kathy and I--were expected to come as guests of honor that night. I have no idea how Kathy managed to arrange that, not to mention that the outfit must have cost a fortune." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds like Kathy was really trying." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. She makes it very hard to stay mad at her. Needless to say, we went to this bar for dinner and stayed for the entire show. When we got home, Kathy made a big production of saying how she was very tired and needed to get to sleep right away. She was trying to make it clear that we weren't going to do anything that night. But the upshot was that I owed her now--not a good position to be in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When was the pay off?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The next night. When I came home from work, Kathy was already there. She was dressed as Xena's sidekick. Kathy's so little, it almost looked funny on her. But there she was expecting me to..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "...to say \"I love you?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You remembered that? Yup, that's the upshot." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I basically had no choice, Doctor, did I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You always have a choice, Anna, and you know it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps I do always have a choice. But exercising that choice can be a real bitch sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "True. But you have a choice nonetheless." }, { "from": "human", "value": "In any case, I got home, and there she was waiting for me. We had a salad together, and I took a bath. That took about two and a half hours." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two and a half hours to eat a salad and take a bath?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was in no hurry to say I love you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know, Doctor, it's getting awfully late. We should stop." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, it's okay. You can go on, we could take a few extra minutes. My next appointment...never mind, you have time. Please continue." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right. After the bath, I put on my Xena costume. Kathy wanted me to tie her down to the side of the bed, but I refused. So she got on her hands and knees and licked me as I stood over her. Kathy is very good at that. She can always make me come in almost no time. But this time, she drew it out. At one point, I found myself pushing her face into my crotch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And then it was my turn." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said that you faked your orgasm. How come?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "As long as I kept my mind away from the thought of reciprocating on Kathy, I was very turned on and into it. But every time I thought what I would be expected to do next, I just lost it. It really is all in the mind you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So why did you fake the orgasm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It got to be too much. I'd had enough, I guess. And I just wanted for the whole thing to be over with. So I ordered her to stop and tied her down to the bed like she wanted. At first, I just used my fingers and a dildo. And then, I braved it and plunged in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How was it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I hated it. I don't like the smell and I don't like the taste. And Kathy is like a gushing fountain--there's a lot of it not to like." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. What did you do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I tried just licking the very tip of her clit, keeping my face as much out of it as possible. But then she struggled and moved, and I just got a whole...it was very icky! I almost threw up. I had to run to the bathroom and wash up and drink tons of water." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did Kathy react?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just told her that I got a hair caught in my throat." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And she believed you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess. When I came out, she was moaning and groaning--she said that I turned her on so much she had an orgasm even without me being there. And that's the end." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So does Kathy now believe that you're into saying \"I love you?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know what she believes. I said that I was tired and went to bed. She insisted that we sleep together. So I waited until she fell asleep and went into another room. I couldn't really sleep that night. I got up early the next morning and was in the office by six thirty. When I got there, I finally was able to get some sleep on the couch in the programmers' lounge area. I didn't come home until the day Martin came back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Kathy just assumed that I had to work late, just as I explained to her before. It's been a bit strange ever since." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wanted Martin for myself at least for a little while. I guess I'm mad at Kathy for making me do all that. Martin knows that something's up, but he's not questioning. And now Thanksgiving is coming up. And frankly, I just don't really care how she feels. Well, that's all, Doctor Balis. That's my story, and I got to go home and catch the two of them fucking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought that didn't really bother you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fuck you, Doctor Balis. Sorry. See you in two weeks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take care, Anna." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 99th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, December 3, 1998 at 4:00 pm.\nHello, Anna. Come in. Please sit down." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You look a bit flushed." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I ran. I thought I was late." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, right on time. So, tell me about your Thanksgiving." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was very nice. I got there okay. My parents were happy to see me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are they?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, my mom knows everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Everything?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "As much as my dad. Trevor called my parents' house on Saturday morning. I was still there. He talked with my dad first, I had no idea it was him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He called your parents' house? Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He wanted to apologize to me again. He got their number out of my SFPD file." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He charmed my mom and dad." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He called and asked my dad's permission to stop by and talk with them and me in person." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He actually came to your parents' house?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he asked first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Still..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, if he had gotten me, I would have said no. But my dad was more than happy to talk with him and to meet him. My dad really gets off on having me be part of a police investigation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So Trevor came. My mom made tea. My dad and I had to fill her in on as much as we could before he showed up, which was fifteen minutes after his call, by the way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So he was in the area?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did he just happen to be near by?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was afraid to ask." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I got the impression that it was his intention to see my parents and me and that he would have driven up from San Francisco just to do that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So, any way, we all had some tea and left-over desert, and we talked. And we talked, and we talked." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was the first time I saw him in a more or less normal situation. Before, it was always in some S&M club or somebody's dungeon. And even though we talked about the investigation, Trevor managed to keep it rather clean. He never gave out any sexually explicit details, he never said anything that would have shocked my mother." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But the investigation is very..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He talked about teenage runaways, and how they can get into trouble in a big city. He talked about bad people and sexual predators. But he never said what was actually happening to these kids. My mother knew, because we talked about it between ourselves just before he came. And my dad...well, you know how much he knew. So Trevor really put on a show for them. He made me out to be a hero--a private citizen doing her best to aid those poor, unfortunate, misguided, and abused children. Even I felt somehow in awe of myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess it was all a form of manipulation. But at the time, it was nice. My parents are very proud of me now. And that felt good. If I had told the story to my mother, I wouldn't have come off as well as I did. So now she knows. She's a bit scared, but Trevor assured her that he would lay down his life for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's nice." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was. It felt good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So do you like Trevor more now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like you do. And are you willing to work with him again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We will do a few more outings together." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. When?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Maybe one this weekend. He said that he won't take advantage of my good nature to drag me into these scenes any more than is absolutely necessary." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what is that absolute minimum that he's talking about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Probably once or twice a week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a lot. Are you sure you want to do this, Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He said that they are very close now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Close to solving the case?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Close to getting enough evidence to get Gray." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you know what the charge against Gray will be?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think it will be something about having sex with a minor and exploiting underage kids in the S&M shows and demonstrations. I'm sure there is more to it than this, but I think that's what they basically want him for. They said that when Kathy first ran away from home, Gray was the one who got her into the whole S&M thing. They said that he finds kids living on the streets and gives them a home and...you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They think he has a few runways living with him right now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you have to testify?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I don't really know anything. I didn't know Kathy when she was underage, and what she told me about her life as a teenager could be a complete fabrication. Plus, she never told me about Gray. When she first introduced me to him, I had no idea she had anything more than a casual connection to him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's all history now. Let me tell you about my work, Doctor, it's a far better subject." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. What's going on at work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I love working in my department. Did you know that Lloyd is going to the 1998 Nobel Prize awards ceremony in Sweden? He said that this year's Physics Prize winner is a buddy of his. Have you ever heard of Robert Laughlin?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I've never heard of him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he is only getting a Nobel Prize in Physics, why would you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Lloyd is a friend of his?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Very cool. This guy will visit with us in the next few months. He hypothesized that electrons in a powerful electric field condense into this liquid made up of quasi particles with fractional electron charge. Well, this can mean some interesting new technology--things will get a lot smaller soon. Cell phones, chips..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't worry, I don't get much of it myself yet, but I will. In our department, they encourage continuing education and specialization in a scientific field of choice. I chose physics. So I get to take graduate classes over at UCB, and I also get to go to any three scientific conferences a year, anywhere in the world. Cool?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's great! I'm very happy, Doctor. I really like my job. I like that they encourage me to think of the most incredible ideas and see if they could be brought to life. You should attend one of our weekly brainstorming-slash-presentation meetings--you'll either quit your job and join our team, or you'll dedicate half your time to group therapy sessions for SII's grandest band of lunatics." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you call yourselves?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I was just joking with Trevor on the phone about what it is that we do in my department, and that's what he called us--that's why I was almost late to see you today." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Do you talk with Trevor a lot on the phone?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. Once a day maybe. He usually calls me once a day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Usually?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, since the post Thanksgiving Saturday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He is a much nicer guy than he let on, Doctor. And he is interested in what I do--he is trying to be very careful that I don't miss any of the time I need at work. He's trying. I think he even got in trouble with his boss because of me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't want to miss Lloyd's presentation on Monday, so Trevor let me skip one of those S&M Winter Wonderland Specials." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Some party, I don't really know. I told Trevor I couldn't...I didn't want to go, and he was fine with that. I heard later that he got into trouble over that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, our time is up. I'll see you next week, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, that's good. Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seemed almost giddy today. Is there something you did tell me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know what you're talking about, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Oh, by the way, I was looking back in my notes and I saw that it'll be our hundredth session next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Really? Well, we should do something to celebrate." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We'll see. Have a nice week, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Charles." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 64th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, December 4, 1997 at 4:00 pm.\nHello, Anna. How are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor. Life is hell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm? How was your Thanksgiving?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just answered you. Life is hell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Do you want to talk about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If I didn't, I wouldn't have come, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can see you're in a bad mood, Anna. But directing your aggressions towards me is not particularly productive." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know, I'm sorry. It's just been a very bad week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I told you that Kathy was not invited to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. I thought that was perfectly reasonable given her stupid theatrics last time she dealt with them. If I were in their place, I wouldn't have invited her either." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Did Kathy want to go?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. She understood that it would have been bad if she went. She's not that stupid." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So what did Kathy want you to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She didn't want me to do anything. I see my parents for Thanksgiving every year. I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Unlike some people, I have a good relationship with my parents." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What Kathy wanted--that manipulative bitch--was to have Martin stay home with her and not go with me to my parents' house." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And did Martin stay with her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you think? Kathy put on such a show. She cried, she had hysterics, she threw up. She used every single trick in the book to try to make Martin feel like a total shit if he went with me. \"You are my family. You are the only ones I have in this whole world.\" Totally untrue--her aunt invited her over, and she just didn't want to go. \"This is our first Thanksgiving together, how can we spend it apart?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But you said that she didn't mind if you went." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course not. She knew that I wouldn't give in to that bullshit. If she didn't try to break Martin and me up last summer, my parents probably wouldn't have minded having her over. They just didn't want to have another scene. That's perfectly understandable. And you have to understand, Doctor Balis..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They think of Martin as \"Mr. Right.\" What they were hoping was to have their future son-in-law and their daughter over for Thanksgiving dinner. This was going to be the family thing. The real family thing, not what Kathy was harping about. My dad was hoping to spend some quality time with Martin, get to know him better. I'm sure he was going to have one of those father of the bride to prospective groom talks. But..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "But instead I spent the whole evening trying to explain why my prospective husband chose to spend Thanksgiving with our roommate! Needless to say, my parents weren't particularly understanding. My dad kept hinting that perhaps there was something going on behind my back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like an affair between Kathy and Martin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You can't blame them for thinking that, can you? Kathy did tell them how Martin is into multiple partners and kinky sex and stuff. By the end of the night, my mom was in tears. I kept trying to tell her that everything was all right between Martin and me. But I was very upset as well, and they could see that. They knew that when I went to the bathroom, it was to cry my heart out. That bitch! She was probably fucking Martin all night, while I had to deal with my parents and pretend that everything was all right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did Martin know that your parents had certain expectations of him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course he knew. We talk about getting married and having children all the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. We've been dating for almost a year now. We ran into each other during MacWorld Expo last January, and I consider that the beginning of our dating. But we've known each other for even more than that, remember?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does Kathy know of your plans to get married?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure, that's why she's doing everything she can to destroy them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Since your plans for the future don't seem to include Kathy, when were you planning on telling her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I told you--she already knows. That's why she's doing all this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But you never came out and actually told her about your plans to get married, did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Martin and I are just talking. It's natural to talk about the future with someone you love, isn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is. But your situation is more complicated than that. You and Martin both decided to have a relationship with Kathy. Now you're planning your future together and it doesn't include her. You have to let her know how you feel about her." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I would love to let her know how I feel about her, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is hostility all you feel for Kathy at this point?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just feel totally manipulated by her. She knows that I'm angry with her for making Martin stay home with her. But every time I try to bring up the subject and talk to her, she just bursts into tears and tells us just how much she loves us and how her life wouldn't be worth living without us." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is Kathy threatening suicide?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "All the time. She only lives for us, you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. This is very serious, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. That's why Martin and I weren't able to talk to her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So Martin wants to dissolve this relationship as well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "After I came back from Thanksgiving with my parents, I told Martin that this will never happen again. I've reached my limit. Kathy had to go, or we were history." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did Martin take it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He agreed that things were getting a bit too intense with Kathy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So Martin chose you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Martin is in love with me, Doctor. He is not in love with Kathy. Look, when we started this whole mess, it was fun. We were all having fun--Martin, I, and Kathy. When you're young, you are supposed to experiment with life, to try things that you'd never even consider when you're older." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel like you're older now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, it's not that. I feel young. But I don't want this anymore. I've tried it, and I'm done with it. It's not working for me. It's not working for Martin." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure it's not working for Martin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If he wants me, and if he's in love with me, then it's not working for him, either!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So you talked to Martin and made the decision to break it off with Kathy, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's either me or her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Martin wants you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. You know, Doctor? I now believe that Kathy manipulated this whole thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's the way she managed to move in with Martin even before we'd made a conscious decision to live together. She sort of forced this whole issue. I bet if she never manipulated her way into living in Martin's apartment, things would have been different." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I think we would have had sex together. And even taken little weekend adventure trips and explored, you know? But I think we would have never ended up living together. It would have been Martin and I as a couple having occasional sex with her. It would have never been like this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So do you feel like this is all Kathy's fault?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think she manipulated us both. And Martin feels the same way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you need to get Kathy some help. It sounds like things are getting way out of control..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't believe she'd actually do anything, Doctor. It's not her way. She's just using this death thing to manipulate us." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And it's working." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's working on Martin. I'm becoming more and more oblivious to it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doesn't Kathy notice your hostility and anger towards her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She's just pretending that I'm still sore about Thanksgiving." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know this is a painful subject for you, but do Kathy and Martin still have sex together?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure they did it when I was gone. Kathy can just pick up a whip and put on some \"come fuck me boots,\" and Martin is all...it's pathetic!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you believe that Martin is being sexually manipulated by Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's obvious, isn't it? He's the bottom and she's the top--when it's convenient for her. Lately, I don't let her do that too much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The last couple of times we had sex together, I was the one with the whip. And, Doctor, I've never enjoyed it more!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you saying that you purposely hurt Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She's into that, you know. But no. I didn't really hurt her. I can't. I want to, but I can't." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So what are you planning to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm planning to go home." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not what I mean, and you know it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I'm planning to have another long talk with Martin and then...I'll tell you next week, Doctor. I'm tired now. And I'm very upset." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Our time is up. I'll see you next week. And please call me if..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "...the bitch wants to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Roger." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Call me before it comes to that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll see you next week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Anna." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 66th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Friday, December 26, 1997 at 10:15 am.\nOh hello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Anna. God, you look terrible! And what is that..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't sleep. It's all such a mess. Life is such a mess. Thank you for seeing me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I came as soon as I..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They kept asking me if I could just talk to you..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The answering service?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "But I just couldn't. I couldn't talk at home, and at the office..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's all right. I don't mind meeting you in person. Why don't we actually go into my office? How long have you been waiting for me here? It's really cold out." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I don't remember." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I walked around the neighborhood for a while. But then I didn't want to miss you. And the front door was locked." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry. I think I have a blanket somewhere. Here. Let's try to get you warm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you like something to drink? I could make you some hot tea." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That sounds nice, but I think if I put something in my mouth, I'll vomit." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was so awful, Doctor. You can't imagine just how bad it was." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you talking about your parents' visit?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That and just the whole damn thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you think you can talk about what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll try. I feel like my mind is spinning. And I've been talking to you for the last sixteen hours straight. I feel like I'll be repeating myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In your head? So this has something to do with your Christmas dinner last night." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Her timing was just perfect! I wonder if she got one of those kits to time it just right, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What kits?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Those ovulation things--they tell you when you're most fertile." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you saying that Kathy is..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pregnant!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "God..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That bitch! She did this on purpose. She knew that this was it for her, and she got herself pregnant." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I presume it's Martin's." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And that bastard knew about it, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She said that they were keeping it a secret until after the New Year, but she was just too happy about it not to tell the world--me and my family, that is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So Kathy made an announcement during Christmas Dinner?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She took one of the old bows from the Christmas presents we'd just opened and stuck it on her stomach--\"I have another present, everyone!\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My parents just died; they got it right away. But I was just too stupid. I was looking at her like she was mad. But then I looked up and saw Martin's face. I knew then. He tried to come and hold me, but my dad pushed him to the floor. And then everyone was screaming. I just stood there looking at them all. She kept on wailing, \"My baby, my baby.\" My dad was screaming at Martin. My mom called her a \"fucking whore.\" My mom never uses language like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Then I felt like my knees were about to collapse. They felt like they were made out of cotton. I grabbed onto the table and tried to get out of there. But I could hardly walk. Then my mom grabbed me and said that they were taking me home. But I was home. This was my home. This is not her home. It's mine! Suddenly, I just freaked out and told everyone to just shut up. I'd had enough. I wanted them all gone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She was just wailing at the top of her lungs, and then she threw up. It smelled so bad, I was going to throw up, too. I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't really feel my legs, but suddenly I just started running. I grabbed my jacket and I was out of there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did they try to follow you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I heard them screaming and running down the stairs after me. But I was just flying. I don't even think my feet touched the stairs. It was as if I was falling, but I knew that I wasn't going to get hurt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What about the bruise on your forehead?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Really? I didn't know it was there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's pretty bad. Here, look in the mirror." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wow, it is pretty bad. No wonder people were shunning me as I was walking around." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll take you to the emergency room after we're done." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not really necessary, do you think?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think we should check for a concussion, although I think you're lucid enough." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Great, that's all I need--a head injury." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have a headache?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, but I think it's from crying so much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you put your hand where it hurts? Okay. So when did you leave your apartment?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It must have been around ten or so last night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Where did you spend the night?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I went to a park for a while. I even hoped that...no, you'll freak." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What were you hoping for?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Please don't take it the wrong way, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll try not to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was hoping to get murdered or something...see? You did take it the wrong way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you want to die?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess...I don't know. I just felt...I can't really describe it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just try to talk, even if just in phrases." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was so hurt. And I was angry. I was furious. He knew! He knew the entire time we were making plans to get married." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure about that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "\"We just want to wait until after the New Year to tell everyone.\" Doesn't that sound familiar to you, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It might not have been his choice. What type of contraceptive was Kathy using?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think she had an IUD. I guess if she took it out, we wouldn't have known about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did Martin try to talk to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You were thinking about your obituary?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That would be a hell of a way to find out that I'm dead, wouldn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you wanted to hurt them by dying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just as if I was watching a movie, and it was starring me and my life. \"She died young, but her life was full...\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you still feel this way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you mean do I still want to be murdered?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, of course not. But last night, I walked on red lights, hoping..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't mean to scare you. It's a sick form of revenge. And you're right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Martin might not have known that she was trying to get pregnant. She's like poison. She got into our lives through a small crack and then went in straight for the kill." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would like to take you the hospital right now, Anna. Then, I would like to talk to you about what you're going to do next." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I know what I'm going to do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm going to go home." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's my home and I'm going to fight for it. And I think I want to talk to Martin. Alone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think talking to Martin is a good idea." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I need to know just what his plans are now. Is it going to be me or her? And then I want her out of my home, preferably by tonight." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Look, let's go to the hospital. You can decide what you're going to do from there." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel really sleepy, Doctor. Suddenly, I just don't feel like I can stay awake." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We'll take a cab. It's just five minutes from here. Let's go." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm really tired, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay. You can close your eyes in the cab." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Wednesday, February 17, 1999 at 7:30 pm.\nHello? Doctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is he...Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wow, you're still there. I wasn't expecting to get you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I had some catching up to do. Why are you calling me at this hour? Is something wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Trevor is here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's holding the telephone for me--I've burned both of my hands." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was making dinner for him, and we were talking, and I totally blew it--I forgot to put on gloves and lifted the chicken out of the oven..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh God, how bad is it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been running cold water on my hands for the last half hour." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have any blisters?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, but not over the whole area. The palm of my right hand is really bad. The left one seems just red. I have three fingers on the right hand that have blisters and two on the left." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds like a second degree burn. You should go the emergency room." }, { "from": "human", "value": "At night? All the weirdoes are there now. I think I'll be okay. I'll just stand here by the sink for the next couple of days." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And Trevor says that he's seen worse." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm thrilled for him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually, I'm just calling to tell you that I can't make it tomorrow." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is it because of your hands?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, something came up at work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Although this hands situation doesn't help either--I don't think I'll be able to use the mouse tomorrow--computer mouse." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understood. What do you need to do at work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Well, take care of your hands. If it gets real bad..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know--I'll go to the doctor, but not until tomorrow morning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Keep running cold water over your hands, and don't put any butter or cream on the burns. Just hold a bag of ice or use cold water when the pain gets bad. At night, you should try some antibiotic cream, if you've got any. Okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, I can do that. Trevor can take care of me, right? See? Trevor said, \"No, problem.\" He's trained in all the latest life-saving techniques. So don't worry, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Will I see you the following week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Absolutely. I'll show you my burn scars." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can hardly wait." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have a nice night, Doctor. Don't work so hard." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good night, Anna." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, February 27, 1997 at 8:48 am.\nDoctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna? Hello! I was worried about you. How are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm fine. Actually I was hoping to speak to your answering machine or answering service or something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't want to talk to me directly?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually no. Not really." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why not?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look Doctor Balis, it's nothing personal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I want to cancel my appointment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh. May I ask why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've had a really difficult couple of days, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's why I think it's very important that we meet." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I knew you were going to say that. That's why I just wanted to leave you a message." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What were you going to say in the message?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That I wanted to cancel for today. That I didn't want you to worry about me. That I'm staying with my parents this week and that I don't want you to get in touch with me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Were you planning on coming in next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yes Doctor. I'm not leaving you or anything. I just need time to get grounded in reality again. And I will talk to you and tell you everything that's going on. Just not right now. Not today. It's just too much. I want to not think about anything for the next few days or so. I want to go shopping with my mom. I want to help her make dinners. I want to play chess with my father. I want to just sit and watch bad TV for a while. But I don't want to talk about anything. Do you understand?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. Remember that I'm here for you. We can talk when you're ready." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you Doctor. And I'll miss you. Really!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll miss you too. Take care of yourself Anna. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure thing. Goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Wednesday, July 8, 1998 at 6:10 pm.\nHello, Doctor Balis. This is Anna." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Anna. What's going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can't come tomorrow. I'm in the hospital. Oh, there's nothing wrong with me. It's Kathy. She had a very bad session." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Kathy was found unconscious and tied up in a hotel room bathroom. She has a lot of bruises and a broken wrist. I couldn't understand what she saying--her mouth is very bad. The doctor said that she was raped orally several times." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh god." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really know what happened. She disappeared for a few days over last weekend. When she came back, she was strange but okay. And then she had a few sessions to do on Tuesday and today." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm Kathy's safety net. She leaves messages on the machine and let's me know where she is and what she's doing. Well, she was going to a customer's hotel room and said she'd be out in an hour. When I hadn't heard from her by morning, I gave the hotel a call. The hotel called the ambulance." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do they know who did it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I've never heard of the name before. And he paid cash at the hotel." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I assume that he'd use an alias." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well. Kathy will probably be able to give a physical description once she's..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope they get him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, me too. It's awful. She looks horrible, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are you doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I spent the day dealing with the hotel and giving statements to the police, and being with Kathy at the hospital. The police seem to be taking this quite seriously--that's the good part. I don't think I'll be able to make it tomorrow, Doctor. I would like to be with Kathy, and I took a whole day off today. I just..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's going to be okay, Anna. Take it easy. Kathy is alive and..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. Martin was here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The police contacted him, too. He said that they also asked him questions about the suicide case. I didn't know. I didn't give them his name. I was freaking out so much that they gave me Valium earlier. I just feel like my head is spinning--spinning and buzzing. I'm so exhausted. I just want to sleep. But that image of Kathy in the bathroom..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You saw her at the scene?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I only saw her at hospital. They took her away before I got to the hotel. And even there, they didn't let me up into the room. But I have a good imagination, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know you do. But take it easy. It's not very helpful to fall apart..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not. I've been together and dealing all day. I was trying to get her car home. The police wanted to search it, and they wouldn't give me the keys--something about blood and evidence. I went to a locksmith to get it opened, and then I found out that the police had towed it to an impound lot..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you should go home now, Anna. Get some rest. Did they give you just one tablet of Valium?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you think you'll be able to sleep if you go home?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If not, I can watch television reruns of Taxi or something. It always calms me down." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Call if you need to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor. I think I will go home now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. I'll see you next week, although you can see me earlier if you wish." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, it's all right. I have a lot of work, and I want to be here for Kathy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Take care, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, October 16, 1997 at 3:54 pm.\nThis is Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna? Aren't you supposed to be here in five minutes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is there something wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. Well, yes, there is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm okay. But Kathy's aunt is sick, and she had to go to Sacramento to take care of her. Martin and I are stuck covering for Kathy at the store." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry to hear about Kathy's aunt." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think she'll be okay. Thank you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why are covering for Kathy? Don't you have to go to work, too?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I got to the office by seven in the morning. I was completely alone, the next person didn't arrive until ten. But the guy who owns the book store that Kathy works for threatened to fire her if she just left without finding a replacement. What a jerk! Kathy practically runs the store by herself, and he gets all the money. You'd think he would be as nice as could be when she needed to take a family emergency leave. I keep telling Kathy that she should just start her own business. All her customers would go with her anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you at the store now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I get to be an expert on dildos and lubricants for the next couple of days. Martin will be here soon as well--he is too worried to let me be in the store alone at night. I thought he'd be able to cover for me so that I could go to our session, but he called and said that he's running late." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How late are you open?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll start throwing people out by ten." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Does Martin worry about Kathy staying at the store so late?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not really. She's been doing this for years; she knows how to take care of herself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry that I didn't give you more of a notice, Doctor. But..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand, it's an emergency." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly. It's actually kind of interesting." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Working at an adult book store?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That too. But I mean being with Martin. This is the first time after we made a commitment to live together that we would be staying by ourselves without Kathy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's true, although you did sort of live together even before you officially moved in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Somehow that's different. I could always go home then. But now...well, we'll see how it will work out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you worried about something?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I'm actually sort of looking forward to it.We won't have much time to get on each other's nerves at home since we will be working the whole time. Martin and I have to cover for Kathy the entire weekend. But there are things we could do here at the store." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Never mind. I'm just looking around and thinking of possibilities to play after we close the store for the night. I guess it's the atmosphere of the place. Hold on, please. I'll be with you in a minute, sir. I'm on the phone. Doctor, I got to go. There are customers who need my attention. I'll see you next week. Okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Anna." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, November 19, 1997 at 6:30 pm.\nDoctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna? You were supposed to be here an hour and a half ago?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. I'm terribly sorry, Doctor. The time just slipped by, and I..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're not at some S&M nightclub or something?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I just started working, and before I knew it, it was now. I don't get to work much, and I was enjoying it so much. Please, don't be too mad at me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you enjoy your work, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, good. Thank you. Now, can we have our session over the phone?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Actually, I was just planning to go home..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, how about if we talk just for a few minutes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Is there something in particular you want to talk with me about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. Let me see..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is it, Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Here, this is better. I had to switch phones--I'd rather just talk to you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have some privacy now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, it's good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, what do you want to talk with me about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's Trevor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I think I want him off the case." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's sort of personal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This Tuesday, we went out again as a couple. We've done about six outings so far." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. And what was different about Tuesday?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We sort of played together." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was all part of...well, you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was part of your undercover work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "We've never actually done it before. We've talked about it. We've talked about it quite a lot, actually. But it was always just talk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But last Tuesday, we were at this pretty small gathering. I kept hoping more people would show up, but there was just seven of us." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And Gray was there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Was Kathy there as well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, he came alone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did he approach you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He asked Trevor's permission to play with me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, Trevor said no, of course." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But it was very awkward--there were so few of us. And everyone just expected us to play together. Before, we were part of a crowd, and it was okay just to watch. But there...we had to do it, or it would have looked very strange." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why didn't you just leave?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wanted to. But when Gray came in, we just couldn't do it. It's like he challenged us." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. And was Trevor okay with that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. We haven't really spoken since then. I think he was uncomfortable...sorry about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Was he uncomfortable or sorry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's okay, Anna. Just tell me what happened." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And Gray watched the whole thing, every move. I could feel his eyes on me, and it was more...it was more intense than the pain from the whip." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Trevor actually whipped you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He didn't do it very hard. He made a lot of noise, but he hardly touched me. At one point, Gray offered to even give him some pointers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gray said...I mean Trevor said that I was having my period and I wasn't feeling very well. But it was so...so...I feel like..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is the strongest impression you have of that evening?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I...I think I..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was positive, wasn't it? Was it positive or negative?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's sort of both." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you like what Trevor did to you? Is that why you want him off the case?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I liked the combination. I liked being watched by Gray while Trevor tied me up and moved the whip over my body. At first, he just moved it, just touched me with it. He only hit me a few times and not very hard. I don't even have any marks on my back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And while he was moving the whip, he stood right next to me, real close. He told me that he was going to be very gentle, he wasn't going to really hurt me. He kept saying, \"It's okay. It's going to be okay. Just relax.\" It was as if he was trying to hypnotize me. But it was Gray who made me freeze the way I did. It was as if his gaze made me paralyzed. My legs got all soft and cottony, they wouldn't support my weight. I had this harness on, and I felt literally suspended in the air." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Were you scared?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I was terrified." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You think?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was also incredibly turned on, Doctor. And I knew that Trevor could tell. At one point, I looked at the whip, and it was wet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was over very quick, but it felt like time stood still. I watched the rings on Gray's cock. He's a very large man, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've mentioned that before." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was very big. Trevor was impressed, too. He never actually saw him get hard before. It was like a nightmare, Doctor. If I had a nightmare, it would be like this. The room was spinning. There was not enough air--everyone was breathing too much. I was so turned on, it hurt. And it was such a long time since...oh, Doctor, how am I going to face Trevor again?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why are you so worried about Trevor?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We have a business relationship..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And now the boundaries sort of blurred. I don't want him to get any ideas. I was so rude to him when we were in the car going home. He left me all these messages. He even sent flowers. I threw them out, of course." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can't work with him again, Doctor Balis. We'll both just think about that time. But nothing really happened, see?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nothing. It was just the atmosphere. And Gray. And I didn't really have any for some time. And...and...what am I going to do, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you should just relax. I think you might be thinking that it's worse than it really is." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Worse?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Give yourself some time, and then talk with Trevor. He might see the whole thing very differently than you do. Are you supposed to be working with him again soon?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I'm off until after Thanksgiving." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. That will give you some time to put all of this in perspective. Are you going to see your parents?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I'm driving up there next Wednesday night and staying through the weekend." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. And if you still feel very uncomfortable working with Trevor, you can get yourself off the case. I'll help you, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean I should quit instead of him?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think Trevor might have done enough to establish himself in the community by now. I think it's time for you to resume your normal life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. Okay. What about Kathy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think she'll be okay. It's you I'm worried about." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, I've got to go now. I have a dinner engagement in ten minutes, and I still need to go home first." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I'm so sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to keep you on the phone for so long." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay. You can call me again, if you need to talk about this. Okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. Have a happy Thanksgiving." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you, Anna, you too. I'll see you in two weeks." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Goodbye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Wednesday, December 9, 1998 at 4:00 pm.\nHello. Doctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is he." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, it's Anna." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Anna. What's going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm calling to tell you that our centennial session will have to wait until the next year. Is that all right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's right. Our next session is our 100th session together. Why are you canceling it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm calling from the emergency room..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you okay? Why are you in the hospital?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually, it's not me. It's Martin. He got really sick yesterday and stayed over with me. And this morning, I had to take him to the emergency room." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's wrong with him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He had a bad flu all last week. And he never takes care of himself. He came to work with a fever until we all rebelled and told him that he had to quarantine himself in his own apartment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But Monday, he insisted on coming to work again. His flu developed into a bad ear infection. It hurt so much last night, that I insisted that he go home with me. Apparently, it got really bad sometime early this morning, but he didn't get me. When I got up and came over to wake him up in the morning, Martin looked so bad. He said on a pain scale from one to ten, he was at a nine or so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And he was completely burning up. I can't tell how much he freaked me out, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like he had a middle ear infection. So you took Martin to the emergency room?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "This morning. He almost passed out on me. The doctor said that he blew his ear drums and that he was too sick to let him go home. So I'm here with him today. And tomorrow, I'll take him home--to my home." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He really scared me, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is he better now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They gave him some morphine and put him on IV antibiotics. He's much better now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I'm glad you were there to take care of Martin. That's very nice of you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "God, I hope I don't get whatever it is that he's got. It looks awful!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope you don't catch it, too. Well, that explains why you're not coming tomorrow, but why aren't you coming next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I have plans to go away for a long weekend with friends. We'll go to Tahoe and we'll do some cross country skiing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds very nice. But I have to tell you, Anna, that I'm also going away." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you would be gone for Christmas and New Year, that's why I figured we won't see each other until January." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, it will have to be longer than that..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Longer? How much longer?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll be gone all through January." }, { "from": "human", "value": "God." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So it's very unfortunate that we'll have to miss our next two sessions..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't realize you would be gone for so long. Two months." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's six weeks, actually." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps to you, but to me, it's two months. That's very long. I was hoping..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What? What were hoping, Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll need to talk with you. Two months is too long. I..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In an emergency, you can always reach me via my answering service. And if you need to speak to someone in my absence, Doctor Whitestone..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I don't think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think he would be good for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's a she, and she's very..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No matter." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I'm sorry, Anna..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is it because of your dad? Are you going to New York?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. I'd like to spend some time with my dad." }, { "from": "human", "value": "How is he doing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not as well as I would like." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry. Of course you could go..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. Now, perhaps you can make it some other day?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not really. I've made plans." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Well..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, don't go yet. Please?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, I have a little bit of time. Was there something you needed to talk to me about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No...yes...well, I was hoping..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just talk to me, Anna. What's going on? Is it Martin's illness? Or is there more?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's very upsetting that Martin is sick." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure it is. But I can hear that there's more. What is it, Anna?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was kind of hoping to talk to you about Trevor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Are you still part of his investigation into the S&M community?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I no longer have to do it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good. But? I sense a \"but.\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I sort of volunteered to help out occasionally." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And do you want to do it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is it because of Kathy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Trevor?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know I told you that I really hated that man..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've never said that you hated Trevor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well...okay, I said I didn't want to work with him. But he's been trying so hard. He has been very nice to me. I don't want to disrupt his investigation. And if I have the spare time..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "We made such a show of being together, it would be hard for him to explain why I'm no longer with him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone would start asking questions..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you just want to help Trevor out, is that it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I do want to help him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has he become a friend?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Absolutely. He really took the time for us to get to know each other. We've even been to the movies together a couple of times." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He thinks I'm a very good person." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds to me like you might like him, Anna." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you like him as more than just a friend?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know how it all happened, Doctor. I really resented the guy in the beginning. He was overconfident and overbearing. And I had to be in very embarrassing situations with him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And then, when he...the way he made me feel when he...I wasn't faking it. At first, I just thought that the whole thing was just my reaction to Gray being there. But it was more than that. Even when it was just the two of us, he made me feel so...so..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just the two of you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "After that incident with Gray, we decided it would be a good idea to establish some limits on what we do in public, to develop some secret signs, to....well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. That was something you should have done from the start." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know, but it didn't happen then. And when we were...well, we just wanted to try it out by ourselves so we could talk freely through the whole thing--I could tell him if something was too much, and when I was pretending for our audience, and when I was really feeling it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So he brought back most of the stuff that the cops had confiscated from the house, and we used the props..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was fun putting the dungeon back together again. We were the regular Mr. and Ms. Fix-it-all, only we were rigging up a cross and chains, and reattaching some restrains back to the wall--stuff like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure your landlords will be grateful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They are. So we did the whole thing--we reattached and secured things to walls, and cleaned stuff, and even painted parts of the dungeon black. It looks very good now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And then we tried it out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. How did it make you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I kept telling myself that it would all feel very silly. Trevor is not really into S&M. It was all just pretend, and we would talk through all of his and my actions, just like one would rehearse for a movie scene. That's what we were supposed to have been doing--a rehearsal for an act that we do for the S&M community to assist in Trevor's investigation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But it wasn't like that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He tried to joke about it. I tried to laugh. But the fact was that he was still huge." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And how did you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Very turned on. I never saw it before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He didn't make a move on me and he even suggested that we stop. I said that it was good that he was responding--it made the whole thing more believable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But you didn't want to stop?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I did. But if I agreed to stop right then, he would have known that I was turned on, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Huh?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wanted to play it cool. I let him help me with my leather corset. He had a hard time not bumping into me...oh, no pun intended." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So did you go through your whole rehearsal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "At one point, we just sort of kissed. He apologized profusely, said that he didn't know how that could have happened, and just ran." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But it was me--I was the one who kissed him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, Anna..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Martin's doctor just came in. I've got to go. I guess I'll see you in February. I'm really sorry. Bye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anna? I think we should meet before I go to New York. Anna? Anna?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, February 27, 1997 at 12 pm.\nHi, do I have the right office? I'm looking for a therapist named Dr. Balis, and I got so hopelessly lost..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm Dr. Balis. How can I help you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh good, I found it! I'm Christina Herald and I have an appointment with you today. Right now, by the looks of things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, I see. It's nice to meet you Ms. Herald." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, call me Chris please. Whenever I hear Ms. Herald I keep expecting to see my mother." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right then--Chris. Please have a seat." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks. I'm sorry for jumping down your throat with the name thing. I'm just not one for standing on antiquated formality. I didn't make you uncomfortable, did I? I don't want to get off to a bad start." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You didn't make me uncomfortable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh good. Because a lot of the time I wind up making people uncomfortable without meaning to. I can be very direct to the point of having no tact whatsoever and I don't even stop to think about anyone else. My father says that I'm a very assertive person. My mother just says I'm bossy. I think they're probably both right to some extent. I just worry about hurting people's feelings, because I did it to my ex-boyfriend all the time without meaning to. I didn't come here today to talk about all this and I'm rambling. You'll hear all about my family, my ex, and my big mouth soon enough, I'm sure. So maybe I'd better tell you why I actually came here today, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Why are you here Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah, the real reason that I'm in here for therapy. Okay. Well, since I was about fifteen years old, I've been having panic attacks. It's kind of a hereditary thing, I guess, because my mom, her sisters, and my grandmother all have them. They started when I was still in high school. The first time I ever had one, I thought I was having a coronary or something. I literally thought my heart would burst, it was pounding so hard." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And you've been having them regularly ever since?\nAnd this is the first time in eight years you've ever sought help?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well no. Not exactly. The first time was about four years ago when I was still up in Washington. I went to the Health Center and they had one of their staff psychologists talk to me. The guy was a total ass. He basically asked me if I was pregnant or if I was taking any drugs, then grilled me about how I was doing in school and whether or not I cared about my grades. I never went back after the one meeting. Not care about my grades? That was the whole bloody reason I went there, for god's sake." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. What happened after you transferred back to Berkeley?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Things got better for awhile. I liked the school a lot more and my friend Janey and I moved into our own apartment. I got a part time job at the cutest little old bookstore near campus--Shakespeare Books, do you know it? I was fairly happy, and the panic attacks were only happening once in a great while. But about six months ago, they started getting worse again. I have my own studio apartment now, because Janey left to go to grad school in New York. I'm going to graduate at the end of this semester, and I already have a job lined up at a high school not too far from here. I don't know why these damned things have been so bad lately, but my schoolwork and personal life are both starting to suffer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are the attacks affecting your school and personal life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just starting to get behind on my assignments. I'm so tired all the time and I have a hard time caring about anything. My father calls it senioritis and makes jokes, but then threatens me with all sorts of dire consequences if I fail out. Like I could flunk now if I tried. But if things keep going well, I could graduate cum laude, and that would be really nice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And your personal life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yeah, that was a two part question wasn't it? I'm just starting to snap at people and take out my irritation on my friends when they're not at fault. I rather unceremoniously dumped the guy I've been seeing last weekend after blowing things way out of proportion in an argument we were having. I knew the relationship was over anyway, but had I been myself I might have been a little kinder about it all. Oh well, it's too late to take it all back now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And could you tell me what happens during one of these panic attacks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ugh. My heart starts pounding--not really faster but harder and somehow louder. I can almost hear it. I start having trouble breathing, my hands get sweaty and shaky, and I start to feel claustrophobic. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner with all the lights out and hide. And then sometimes I absolutely can't stand to be inside because I feel like I'm choking. I spent something like four hours one day last week on my little patio, chain-smoking and trying to force my heart to slow down. Another thing is that I get this really strange, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm standing on the edge of a high cliff. That's the worst part." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. Are there any particular triggers that you've noticed, something that brings on the attacks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes and no. Sometimes if I have a lot of caffeine, I'll have a really bad panic attack. One of the worst ones I've ever had was when I was a freshman in college, and I washed down four Vivarin with a raspberry mocha. Stupid huh? Other times I'll just be sitting at home, reading or watching TV--not doing anything in particular--and kerboom! One big whopping panic attack coming right up. So I'll have to get out for awhile. I'll sit on the patio or go for a walk until I calm down. It can take most of the night for that to happen though, which is why I'm not getting any sleep lately. Stress can bring it on too. Finals, work, fights with the family or whoever the man is this month. I can take so much and then it's just like the roof blows off, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I do. Have you tried any sort of relaxation techniques or meditation to try to calm yourself down?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What, you mean like envisioning white light or whatever that was? Yeah, I tried it. It never really helped though. And how do you explain to the professor standing over you that you were ignoring his lecture because you were envisioning your mind filled with white light? We're talking instant F here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All the same, I think it would be beneficial if we started you on a program involving some relaxing techniques. They can be as simple as putting on some relaxing music. Also, you might want to try cutting back on the caffeine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But caffeine is a necessary nutrient for survival. It makes the world go around, or at least a student's world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I remember. We used to say it was one of the four basic food groups when I was at college. I didn't say you had to cut it out, just cut it back. I'd like to try some relaxation training with you. I have a sheet here which describes the technique. Basically, I want you to lower the lights and either sit in a comfortable chair or lie down in bed. And start at your toes, start to tense the muscles and then completely relax them. Do that twice and then move up your body, tensing and relaxing each of your muscle groups. I've found this technique effective in helping patients with sleeping difficulties. It seems to help discharge energy and tension." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Discharge energy? What do you mean by that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just think of it as a way to abandon the cares of the day and to gain some voluntary control over feelings of tension and relaxation. Just give it a try, if you will, and let me know how it goes in our next session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, so you're kicking me out now?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Um, I..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just kidding, Doctor. I think I've bent your ear enough for today and I have to be at work in an hour. I'll leave you be now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can we schedule next week's appointment?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. Next week? Same bat time, same bat channel?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds fine. It was very nice talking to you, Chris. I'll look forward to seeing you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, you'll see me. I keep coming back like a fungal infection. So I'm not totally nuts then?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I don't think so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, glad to hear it. My father will definitely be relieved. See you later, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, March 13, 1997 at 12 pm.\nHi, Doctor. Listen, I'm sorry about last week. I'm very embarrassed about the phone call, and the state I was in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's all right, Chris. I don't understand why you'd do something like that to yourself. Nice shirt, by the way." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks. But I guess I forgot about the midterms, and when I remembered, I got all tense and worried and just generally freaked out. I don't dare slack off in Carmichael's class, because the old goat has had it in for me from the beginning of my college career. He was my Intro to Fiction teacher as well, and decided he didn't like me when I corrected his translation of Shakespearian English. Big mistake there. It was just out of my mouth before I could help it, like so many other things. But as far as the thing with the caffeine, I paid for it. And I might just have learned my lesson." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened? Did you have a panic attack?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, yeah, you might say that. The funny thing is I was fine, actually coming down a little bit with no ill effects. I was probably going to make it okay. I had a bottle of water by my side like you said and was working that down. Then in walks Kevin." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Kevin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember last time I told you that I dumped the guy I'd been seeing? Kevin's the guy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you feel physically threatened? Could that have been what set you off?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think I'd call it feeling threatened. I know Kevin would never hurt me. But...crowded." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. And you had a panic attack." }, { "from": "human", "value": "A six-foot three emotionally distraught ex and a small lake of lukewarm espresso in my belly are not exactly circumstances leading to emotional ease, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "True. What happened next?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I went and sat in my car until I felt capable of driving, then I went home. Sat with my cat for awhile, that took the edge off a little bit. That's about the whole story as far as that episode is concerned." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. How was the rest of the week as far as the panic attacks were concerned?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You'd be proud of me. I wrote all of the days and times and possible triggers down in my notebook. Being a good patient because I was a really bad patient last week when I called. Impressed yet?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good, because this bespeaks a level of organization that I normally just don't have. Okay. Monday March Third. Happy Birthday to Me. Ten-fifty-five p.m. After a rather strained evening out with my family I arrive back at my apartment to find that Kevin has left a rather odd present before my front door. To be more specific, a kitten. This is, incidentally, the cat I mentioned earlier, Doctor. Well, I couldn't very well let the little thing freeze, so I brought him in and named him Lancelot, in honor of an old friend who I nicknamed Lancelot a long time ago. This isn't the point . The point is I had a panic attack earlier in the evening while having an argument through gritted teeth with my father over whether or not my kid brother should be allowed to do what the hell he wants with his life regardless of whether or not Dad is paying for his college." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your father doesn't think so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What, Frank Herald give up control of any particular thing he feels his time or money has a stake in? Not in a million, baby. He's the original control freak. He wants Jonny, my brother, to go into business or law or something where he can be some sort of a big wheel in the whatever. I don't know. It's a businessman thing I guess. But Jonny wants to be a veterinarian and just live up in Oregon tending cows and horses and generally being happily useless to the corporate world at large. So Dad starts lecturing him on this and that and all those stupid business proverbs, \"If you're not the lead dog the view never changes,\" and all that shit. And for the first time in recorded history, Jonny stood up for himself. Right there in Fillio's in front of the snooty waiters with their little mustaches and phony Italian accents. So I backed him up, and Dad gave me his patented \"Herald the Horrible\" look--his nickname around the office when he's not there, you might have overheard it or not, I don't know. Then he started in on me. And my stepmother is giving me this really disgusted look, and her daughter is just sitting there batting her eyes at the stud puppy in tight black slacks who's bussing the next table. My family has the total yours, mine, and ours thing going on. I'm Dad's from his first marriage to my mother, my stepsister Monica is Joanne's daughter from her first marriage, and Jonathan is Joanne and Dad's kid together. Neither Joanne nor Monica have brains beneath their perfect blond chignons, either. So we got into it, finally ending with Dad calling me an ungrateful little brat and me countering with the witty observation that he may have money and position but he has about as much soul as a rock. So the evening ended on a bad note. I got home and fell apart. But Lancelot actually kind of helped. It's nice to have another living thing in the apartment besides the plants. Anyway, I was just so upset I called Mommy in London, where she's working right now, and she made me feel a little bit better. She said that the panic attacks get milder as she gets older. Do you think that's true?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It might be. Your family life sounds pretty stressful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's why I avoid it whenever possible, at least Dad and Joanne's unholy alliance. Mom is okay when she's in town. But Aunt Sara's the best. She lives down in San Diego, and I go see her on weekends sometimes. She's Mom's sister, and is probably more like me than anyone else in the family. But I digress. We're talking about panic attacks here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, you don't have to worry about it. You can talk about other things besides your panic attacks. It actually helps when you do, because it gives me some insight into your circumstances and personality. So just go ahead." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh. Okay, cool." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But while we're at a lull in the conversation there are a few things I'd like to mention to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, shoot." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "First of all, I did a little research on the link between panic attacks and family members. It does have a higher rate of occurrence between monozygotic twins--" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Monowhatsits?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doctor-speak for identical." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, freshman year, Principles of Biology 101. I remember now. Go ahead." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, the rate for both identical twins getting panic attacks is something like a 45% rate. It's 15% for fraternal twins." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hold on. Since fraternal twins are basically just brothers or sisters or brothers and sisters who happen to be in the uterus at the same time rather than naturally-occurring clones, wouldn't the 15% rate be the same for regular siblings?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, but what I'm getting at is that there is scientific basis to think that this could be a hereditary condition." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, okay. Sorry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's a good question. Another thing I wanted to discuss with you is seeing another doctor--not a psychiatrist but a good internist--to rule out the possibility of any illness that might mimic the symptoms of panic disorder. Here's the business card of a colleague of mine who's on your father's health insurance. He should be able to help you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Douglas Halsey, M.D. Okay, I'll make an appointment asap." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. One more thing I wanted to mention before I let you go for the day is whether you'd consider pharmacological options for treating your condition." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Like drugs? Depends. What sort of drugs are we talking about?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I've had good results in the past using anti-depressants to treat panic disorder. But you look doubtful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I'm not terribly comfortable with the idea of drugs. Between caffeine and nicotine, I usually have enough of them in my system, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, these might be a little more useful than those. But think about it. If you're really uncomfortable with the idea, then we'll work without them. I'm just letting you know it's an option." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I'll think about it. It was nice talking to you, Doctor, and once again I'm sorry about last week. Like the tie, by the way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, well thank you. I got it at the amber exhibit at the California Academy of Sciences. I was hoping the bugs wouldn't put off my patients. And don't worry about last week. Just try to be a little more careful with the espresso, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I will. Promise. Bye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Christina." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, March 27, 1997 at 12 pm.\nHi, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Christina. How have you been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nuts. Everything is insane. I suppose I owe you an apology as well as an explanation, eh? Well I apologize, but I think when you hear what happened, you'll understand." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fucking Kevin is what happened. He's gone all strange on me. Okay. Wednesday, he calls me and asks to borrow my car because his died and he absolutely has to get to this job interview. His whole life and future career depends on this, and since I already pretty much ruined his life by breaking up with him, I can at least help him out with this part. Beautiful guilt trip, huh? As if I don't have enough problems. So I don't have anywhere to be at this particular moment--it's a Wednesday night, I'm not working, nothing is going on in my life except me and Lancelot getting cozy with some--and you will be as impressed as all hell about this one--herbal tea, and the complete works of Shakespeare. Studying without caffeine. Be impressed. Anyways, it gets to be about eleven pm. No Kevin. Later and later. Finally I call Berkeley's Finest at about twelve-thirty. Yeah right, like they're going to do anything about it. He was my boyfriend for six months, I lent him the vehicle willingly. They aren't going to move after ten thirty unless someone has the audacity to rob Dunkin' Donuts. I'm told to call again in the morning if he doesn't turn up. He doesn't. I fall asleep and wake up at six-thirty in the morning when a badge wearing a blue suit decides to bang on my door and inform me that my ex was out drinking and decided to drive my car after having a party with a Coors keg. So where was I? At the police station while they booked Kevin on D.W.I., crying over the wreckage of my poor little Cavalier and dealing with my dear old Dad's lecture on my stupidity. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my life. Apology accepted yet?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, yes. Sounds like you had quite a day. I was worried, though. Next time call, all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yeah. Okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Now, Dr. Halsey called me and says you're in perfect health. He couldn't find any physical reasons for your panic disorder." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I figured." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's good news. So what we need to do now is start looking for other causes for your disorder. When we get done talking today, do you have anywhere you need to be for about an hour or so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Because if you don't mind, I have a program on my computer called the California Personality Inventory that may help us quantify at least some of the basic characteristics of your personality. I'd like to have you sit down and complete the test, then we can talk about it next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What, you mean like type A, type B, and all that stuff? We did that in Psych 101. I had to take a few of those classes, too. They're required for an education degree. I already know the answer. In a lot of things, I'm very much a type A personality. Things have to be done at certain times. I don't like being made late or when circumstances throw me off schedule. Oh, no!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What on earth is that sound?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, that's Lancelot, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh. Lancelot. I see...he's extremely cute. Rather hard to believe that a noise that loud came out of something that small." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm very, very sorry about this, Doctor. I had to take him to the vet's for his shots and I didn't have time to take him all the way back home before I had to come here, and I couldn't leave him in the car because it's so warm out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. I think it's okay for today, so long as he's not in regular attendance. Besides, he's quieted down now. So, anyway, How was the rest of your week. Any panic episodes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm still keeping that notebook, you know. It's a great help. I had only one really noticeable episode this week, as well as a few minor ones." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The notebook is a very good idea, Chris. I'd like to see you keep that up. Now, tell me about what happened." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. My brother Jonny came over Friday night. He spends the weekend with me sometimes just to get away from Dad and Joanne. Well, I'm playing doting sister, stuffing him full of my special pesto and angel-hair pasta meal, and he's loving every minute. Then after dinner, he gets all serious. He starts by telling me about how much he appreciates the way I stuck up for him with Dad, and how understanding I am, and how I always looked out for him even when we were very young. Then he says that he needs me now more than ever, as he has recently come to terms with a very big part of his life, and he wanted to tell me first because I am the most supportive person he knows. My brother's gay. Not a big deal in and of itself, but there it is. I asked him who the lucky boy was, and he blushed and everything, we had a good laugh and then spent a pleasant hour discussing various male celebrities' posteriors. Then comes the bombshell. He wants me to break the news to Dad and Joanne, after he leaves for college in the fall. He's got a full scholarship to some school in Minnesota that I guess really wants to teach him how to be a veterinarian. But if Dad disowns him, he says I'll be the only family he has. It just got worse from there, and that's what made me freak out. Not the fact that my baby brother and I have the same taste in men, but the fact that I may well be the one to tell Herald the Horrible that his son is a homosexual." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a bit unfair of him, to make that request of you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, I know why he asked me. Jonny and I both know that Dad would eat him alive if he tried to tell him by himself. I tried to talk him out of it, even saying that I would be there with him while he spoke with Dad, but his mind is set that this is the only way its going to work. Poor kid's terrified. Although I will say that I'm impressed that he's going to tell Dad at all. Before this, Jonny would have just stayed in the closet all his life and just kept his sex life as far away from Dad as humanly possible. But that night he stuck up for himself at the restaurant, it was like something snapped in Jonny, and he got tired of being put-upon by everyone else. Using me as a shield is only the first step for him. So long as he has someone strong to fall back on, he'll continue to assert himself, and eventually he'll have done it enough to be able to stand on his own." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what are you going to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll probably be the one to tell Dad. It seems the only option. Oh, I'll try to talk him out of it before he leaves for school, tell him how good it would be for him to tell Dad himself and all that, but I doubt very seriously that it will work. But I can't let him suffer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's very noble of you, Chris. You must love your brother a lot." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, the kid is all right. But it is yet another issue to add to my pile of issues. It was just the major one this week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What else happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I wrote my midterm essay for Carmichael and handed it in. Work of art. Sheer fucking genius. The old bastard gave me a grudging A minus because he said my interpretation of the piece was only a little better than superficial. Superficial my pretty ass. I had it out with the gargoyle, right there in the classroom. Still wouldn't up my grade, but I know he knows I was right because his neck turned bright red, like a steamed lobster. That only happens when he's really angry, and nothing makes him angrier than being wrong. As far as work is concerned, my boss is going on maternity leave in about two weeks, and she's putting me in command of the starship for the next two months or so until she's back in the saddle. Ordering, inventory, the whole big hairy, I have to do it. My pay goes up, which is one good thing, and of course I'm flattered that Lucy thought of me, but it is one more stressful thing to add to the pile. Then there is Kevin, who totaled my car. Given that he is an unemployed college student, it is doubtful that my vehicle will be restored anytime soon. It all depends on what insurance has to say, and I already know that my insurance company is NOT happy with the situation. My premiums are going to skyrocket. Kevin is also still whining about how much he loves me and how I ruined his life. Gods, I hate that sort of weakness. I know it's supposed to be all cool for a guy to be sensitive, but I just can't stand people who do nothing but whine and cry about how horrible their life is and don't do anything about it! They're so...so ineffectual! How do they ever get through life just bemoaning how terrible everything's been?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you really think?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I suppose not. Okay, here's where it all comes out. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of holding everything together for a hundred other people when things are falling apart all around me. It's like plugging ten holes in a dam with all ten fingers, then another hole opens up and water starts pouring through. Where most people would start screaming for help, I grit my teeth and start using my toes to stop up the holes. You follow me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think so, Chris. This could be important. You seem to be taking on a lot in your life. Do you ever wonder if it might be too much?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Constantly, Doctor. Constantly. But if I don't do it, it won't get done. And it has to get done. But sometimes I get so frustrated, I feel like screaming. I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, why am I all stressed out because they screwed up? Why can't someone clean up after me for a change? Why can't I get Kevin to give me some advice about how to handle my job, or maybe get Jonny to steer Kevin away from me? I'm everyone else's rock to cling to--when do I get my rock? Of course, that's where you come in, I'm sure. In fact, this is the only relationship that makes sense to me right now. I talk, you listen, I pay, you give advice, I leave. Simple, cut and dried. Both parties know exactly what's expected of them and perform reasonably well. I wish my relationship with Kevin could have made that much sense. To be perfectly honest, Doctor, I really didn't want to give him up. He was...well, he may not have been the ideal, but he was as close as I had ever come before. And he's not as stupid as I make him sound, either. I was just feeling claustrophobic. I knew The Big Question wasn't far around the corner, and as much as I liked the guy, I was afraid. Maybe its childish to dump a good man who respects and loves you for a silly fantasy, but I have this paranoid fear that if I tie myself down then something or someone that would make me incredibly, perfectly happy would come into my life, and because I was bound, I would be unable to accept it. And then it would be gone. I think I'm running past time here. I'll stuff the fur ball back into his box, and take my leave of you, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, Chris. I think we might have made some progress here. We'll talk more about it next week, okay? In the meantime, keep on with the journal. And try not to take so much on. Set some priorities for yourself, look at your goals, and try not to take on things that don't lead to your goals. And make sure that you have some time to relax scheduled in there, or you'll wind up with an ulcer before you're thirty." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually, Doctor, I had one of those when I was fourteen. Have a good afternoon." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Goodbye, Christina." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 4th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, April 3, 1997 at 12 pm.\nHi Chris. How are you? No kitten today I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I gave him a time out. He was being a bad kitty. How are you, Doctor? Feeling better?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, thank you. It wasn't a fun week though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can well imagine. Hey, do you want to hear something weird?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's about Professor Carmichael." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, yes. The gargoyle." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. Apparently the old goat had a heart attack while ripping one of his freshman comp. students to pieces over a grammatical error." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh my. Did he pull through?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. This was unexpected, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Unexpected? It was ridiculous! I never heard anything so silly in all my life, and I told him so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then you went over to Human Resources." }, { "from": "human", "value": "First thing this morning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Christina, you do know that this means you are taking on another job, don't you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, I know what you're going to say..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, but are you going to listen this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Listen, Doc. That professor that everyone calls a gargoyle is just a sick old man with a passion for literature. He's a good guy and I realize just how much I learned from him, and how good his constant challenge has been for me academically. I owe him, and I just now realized that. If he wants me to teach his class for him while he is laid up in the hospital, then I will." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, you take too much on yourself. Something's got to give sooner or later, and if you keep adding to the load then that something will be you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So what do I do? Let everything go to hell, just ignore it? All my life I've been told what a selfish person I was. I have ambitions that nothing is going to get in the way of. I'm blunt, sarcastic, loud, messy, selfish, self-centered, vain, smug, superior. But who cares as long as I get the job done, right? I am all of those things and more. But, on top of everything else, I'm stubborn. And I'm too stubborn to give anything up. Without someone holding the reins, things tend to run wild." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Calm down, there's no need to yell. I'd be the last person to call you selfish, Chris. But your altruism is going to get you into trouble." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wouldn't call it altruism. I'd call it being far too controlling. I'd call it turning into my father." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You think you're turning into your father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes...I just realized it this moment. I'm turning into my father. Acting exactly like him. Holy shit, this is terrifying." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "it's okay, really. You're not Herald the Horrible yet. What we need to do is teach you to relax. You don't have to control everyone around you, all the time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just hate the feeling of being powerless. I don't like to think of another person being able to tell me what to do and how to do it, how to get to where I'm going and how to dress when I get there. It makes me feel like I'm drowning, you know? Hell, maybe that's why I have those damned panic attacks. I get something thrown at me that I don't have control of, and until I master it, I freak out. It makes a lot of sense, come to think of it. Do you think I'm obsessive-compulsive?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you wash your hands a hundred times in a row?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Noooo...." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Christina, I don't think you're obsessive-compulsive. I do, however, think you worry too much about things you can't control, and are too fixated with being on top of everything. Any normal person would have collapsed by now under the strain of everything you do. You're taking a full class schedule, I assume?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. Teaching classes and English classes. They've been my life for the past two years or so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And you work at the bookstore." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Acting manager." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now you're a teaching assistant at Berkeley..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just until Carmichael gets better!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your ex-boyfriend wrecked your car and is in jail at the moment..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not my problem anymore. Insurance paid for the repairs. They weren't happy, but they paid it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your brother needs your guidance right now..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No arguing my way out of that one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "See how much you're doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "And all without caffeine!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, this is no laughing matter. You have got to prioritize your life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What I need is a couple extra hours in every day...don't look at me that way, Doctor. Please. I know you're right, it's just easier said than done. I have to go to school. I have to help my brother. I have to have a job. I want to help Carmichael. I feel like I owe the old goat." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There is no reason you can't help your teacher if you feel that strongly about it. But you will have to give less attention to something else." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh boy. That is going to be a problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nevertheless, it has to be done or you're going to break down like an old car." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh colorful metaphor, Doctor. Maybe you missed your calling." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, well, as I was saying..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you have a girlfriend, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because you remind me of my professor for Victorian Literature, Dr. Graham. She's single, and she's cute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris!" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry, Doctor. I just get impish sometimes, and you just happened to be here. I know this is supposed to be a serious psychological thing that I'm doing here, but I just had to lighten the mood some. I can't take things being too serious for too long. I think I'm getting back to my old self again; I've actually been sleeping and eating at regular intervals. Healthy food too, no more late night dates with the Doritos bag. That's mostly Malcolm's doing, though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Malcolm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember the guy who works at Roma's I was telling you about? Well, he moved into the apartment below mine, and we've started eating together. He's into a lot of Asian foods--Japanese and Thai and stuff like that. It's a lot healthier, and actually still tastes good. He does martial arts and things, too. It's not a dating thing yet, but we are hanging out. He's actually playing chauffeur for me until I get the Starship Cavalier out of the mechanic's grubby little paws." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. A proper diet can be a good step towards getting yourself regulated. We haven't really discussed your panic disorder yet this week. Any problems?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ta dah! The all-knowing notebook. Okay, here we go. April the Oneth, Nineteen ninety seven. Jonny called. He and his boyfriend broke up and his boyfriend is threatening to call Dadums and let him in on his only son's--ahem--preference for snails." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Huh?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Did you ever see Spartacus? Skip it. Anyway, Jonny called me in tears, wigging out. I thought the poor kid was having a panic attack of his own. This wasn't what set me off. What set me off was the fact that Jonny wanted to leave the house that night and come hide at my place. Jonny doesn't have a car and he sure as hell doesn't have money for a taxi to Berkeley. He said he'd hitchhike. That's what set me off--the image of my baby brother walking down the road and getting hit by a drunk driver, mugged, or worse. I made him promise he wouldn't do anything so terribly stupid and he just kept sobbing, saying he couldn't stand it anymore. I should have gotten tough and told him to quit being a drama queen, but I didn't. I told him to stick it out for a few more days until I got my car fixed then he could spend another weekend with me if he wanted to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is what you wrote down on the first?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeppers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you think now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "To be quite honest, I think Jonny should just tell Dad and Joanne and be done with it. If Dad does throw him out, he can stay at my place or aunt Sarah's; he'll still have his full scholarship to his school. But I don't think Dad will. He may be a totally conservative old bastard, but no one ever said that Dad did not, in his own taciturn way, love his children. Sometimes I wish Jonny and I had the same mother. Mom's flighty and more irresponsible than she should be at her age, but she's a good listener and very liberal and forgiving." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then maybe you should have a talk with your brother this weekend and tell him that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Maybe I will. I'm also wondering if I shouldn't quit the bookstore and try to get in more hours as a teaching assistant. It'll actually help me a lot in my chosen field--more than the bookstore will, as much as I love it. But I like being in front of a classroom too much, and the gods know that I don't want to work retail all my life!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is a good idea..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Besides, that's more time on campus. My grades need to come back up a bit; right now school is the most important thing in my life. It has to be. it's almost over. I had a lot of fun while I was in school--I'm not a total workhorse--but it's time for it to be over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You know, you're starting to sound a bit more rational about your commitments. I think there is definitely potential here for things to improve." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So I'm not a totally hopeless case?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Far from it, Chris. We're almost out of time. You keep on with your notebook--I meant to ask if I could take a look at it from time to time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "But Doctor, that's where I keep my secrets. It's my diary. Nah, I don't care. You can look at it if you like." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. How's the kitten?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The little shit ate my herb garden." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He did?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I have one of those little window box gardens, for fresh herbs. Mostly basil and rosemary, with some lemongrass thrown in. Lancelot ate a bunch of the new leaves. He must have thought it was catnip or something. Anyways, I'll see you next week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Chris. I'll look forward to it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Hey, do you have a cat, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No. No cat." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Did you ever wonder why a cat doesn't come when you call? Because the snooty little brats know they're descended from royalty. Cats were kings and queens in Egypt, and they still get treated that way by anyone who owns one. Why should they do anything when it's not convenient to them? That's the thought for the day. Have a good afternoon, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Bye bye, Chris." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 5th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, April 10, 1997 at 12 pm.\nGood afternoon, Doctor B. How goes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not too bad, thanks. You're looking chipper today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's been an incredibly good week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? That's good. How do you like being a T.A.?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's part of what made it so great. I am loving this new job. By the way, I put in my notice at Shakespeare Books. Lucy wasn't happy at first, but she understood when I explained it to her, and I helped her pick someone else to play manager while she's out with Baby." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope it's not that odd androgynous creature with the septum piercing. She was quite rude when I was in there last." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't know you'd been in the shop. And no, Jody will not be playing manager. Gabriel got the part. The tall sad-looking guy with the black hair, looks like your typical \"alterna-teen.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, all right. I'm not too sure who you're talking about, but that's okay. How's the panic disorder doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Surprisingly mild lately. I can't help but wonder, though, if this is just the calm before the storm. Maybe I'm being paranoid. But I'll probably flip out around finals. This time next month I will officially be a basket case. Maybe you should go ahead and measure me for a happy huggy coat now, save time later." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a novel way of referring to a straitjacket." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I thought it was funny. Want to hear the latest on the Kevin situation?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, now this should prove interesting..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. Big-time. Well, somehow he raised bail money, and he's taken to hanging around campus, or my apartment building, calling and hanging up. If he's trying to stalk me, he's got to be the most inept stalker in the world. He did call to ask how the kitten and I were getting along. I told him that Little Lance was fine but my ferns would never be the same. He apologized for wrecking my car. I told him that I would probably think it was funny in twenty years but I wasn't going to forgive him right now. He asked if he could stop by, and I said no. Then he said would I at least come out and talk to him because he was at the pay-phone outside. Malcolm happened to be in my apartment cooking dinner and marched downstairs and warned him to stay away from me. To the tune of a mild concussion. Kevin's just not having any luck, is he?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So your new boyfriend assaulted your old one?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess you could say that, yeah. Malcolm doesn't often come out of the basement, but when he does he tends to assert himself quite well." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me a bit about Malcolm. He seemed kind of...well, forbidding. Not really the type of man one would expect you to be attracted to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's a hard one to figure. And as far as what I'm attracted to, the usual qualification is that he's male. But Malcolm is intriguing, simply because he's so forbidding. It's weird, actually. There's a very sensual quality to someone being that dark, both in appearance and manner. I think I read one too many vampire stories when I was a kid." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Gothic look. I know what you're referring to. You find that attractive?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes. Look, Doc, how did we get onto the subject of my sex-life, anyways? Malcolm's not a psychotic. I know he looks it, but he's not. Okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't have to get defensive, Chris.\nThat's fine. We can talk about whatever you like." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Maybe I should tell you a bit more about my family. You did say that this panic thingy was probably hereditary, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes it is. Talking about your family might be helpful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. What about my family...yeah. Right. Really nothing I haven't already said. I just don't really know what to talk about today. I think this cold snap has me depressed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're feeling depressed?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Will you stop that? That is so irritating when you just parrot back at me what I've already said. Can't we just talk like normal people, more or less? That is usually one of the better things about you. You have more imagination than the average shrink." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're really not giving me a whole lot to work with today, Christina. I'm quite frankly trying to delve beneath the conventional bland front that you're putting on for me today. It's not like you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I see. I'm sorry for snapping at you, doctor, but I am just feeling totally sapped right now. Sullen, non-communicative, I just really want to go to sleep. Once the two weeks notice is up at Shakespeare's, then it'll all get easier. But until then, I have too many balls in the air. You were right about that much. I was surviving on adrenaline and caffeine. Once I kicked out the caffeine...all right, cut it back...I didn't have the energy to really throw myself into as much as I used to. So, I have been cutting things back. I cut loose the job at the bookstore, and Kevin. Malcolm is much lower-maintenance than Kevin was anyway. So I traded one job for another, and one man for another. The conflict with Carmichael has resolved itself. Jonny is probably going to be okay--it seems he's easing into the idea of telling Dad and Joanne about his sexual orientation himself. So hopefully that's one block out of the way. Dad seems to be a lot more relaxed lately; I think he's planning early retirement now that he's hit the top of the food chain in his line of work. I guess I'm really worried that things are beginning to go too smoothly, and I keep waiting for the monkey wrench to be thrown into the works." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like it's too good to last, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, exactly. I'm writing again, though, and that is most definitely a good thing. I don't like myself when I'm not writing, because originally that was the whole point of my being a teacher. Vacations, weekends, and summer to write and live as I choose to. You think I wanted to be a teacher because of some altruistic need to help the youth of America? Hell, no! It was convenient to make money that way while I pursued my true craft. But I got hooked on it. I love the moment when comprehension just lights up someone's face, or seeing someone really enjoy and relate to a classic piece of literature almost two hundred years old, and all because of me! My assistance opening doors for people. It's quite a rush of feeling, and it's hard to explain. But by the same token, I wonder if I'm losing sight of my original dreams, like I'm settling for something more accessible and secure. I would never be happy living from royalty check to royalty check, or submitting articles as a freelance writer to keep food in me and Lancelot until the novel got published. I hate not feeling secure. So I learn a trade where I can at least touch my dreams somehow, and save my truth till summer. I'm a sellout, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, I hardly think you're a sellout. You're simply practical..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So I have to find some sort of balance. And I haven't been able to, not yet. Did you know that I actually had to force myself to start writing again? And I was annoyed at first because it was taking time away from my studies, time that I could have been in class watching how teachers work. Dr.Graham gave me an open invitation to sit in on any of her classes, anytime. And I have--quite a bit in fact. Maybe that's another part of my problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Visiting Dr. Graham's class?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, looking for things that aren't there. My perfect ideal man, the balance between creativity and practicality. Maybe they don't exist." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that with a little effort, maybe some time management..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, Doctor. I don't think time management will help. This is an emotional crisis, maybe even a spiritual one. Not a physical or scheduling problem. I'm not going to go New Age and start swinging crystals around and mumbling about chakras, but I do need to make a decision about what's important to me. But my hour's almost up so I'm going to go ahead and leave. I have a lot to think about. If you don't mind that I cut out a bit early..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand, Chris. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I will. At the bare least, I'll keep you posted on my dilemma. Bye, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 6th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, April 17, 1997 at 12 pm.\nLie down on the couch and tell me about your mother. How are you today, Herr Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm all right. But your Viennese accent needs some work. Where did you find that contraption?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Isn't it cute? It's a bubble pipe. The silliest thing about it is that it seems to occasionally try to force feed me bubble soap. Bleech, the stuff tastes nasty. I apologize if I've gotten bubbles all over your desk, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure it will survive. How have you been, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, okay. Went to lunch with Dad today, which was, as always, a thrill and a half. He takes me out to lunch about once a month, to ask me how school's going and if I need any money and why the hell I felt the need to move out anyway when it was perfectly feasible for me to live at home while attending Berkeley. I told him that school was great, I didn't need any money, and that unless he wanted me to eventually poison his wife's peas he'd better be glad I moved out. He just gave me that fatherly chuckle that annoys the shit out of me and waves the waiter over for the check. Huh. I almost thought for a moment that he wouldn't be too disappointed if I did poison Joanne's peas." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I take it that you and your stepmother don't get along." }, { "from": "human", "value": "We have a personality conflict. I have a personality, she has a conflict." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anyway, I went and visited Aunt Sarah this past weekend." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did that go?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, great. Aunt Sarah's absolutely amazing. And my cousin Gavin was home for the weekend too, so it was just a big party. The three of us have a fantastic time together. You'd hardly believe we were related." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me a bit more about your aunt. You seem very close to her." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, she was more my mother than my Mom was, that's for sure. After Mom left, Sarah moved in with Dad and me for about a year, until Dad started seeing Joanne. She took care of me and stuff, doing all the normal mommy things that her sister couldn't quite lower herself to perform. She lives alone down in San Diego, where she moved about four years ago. She's a total computer nut. She loves the damned things! She never sells the outdated ones; she keeps them up on tables in Gavin's room, and they all still work. She even has a working Commodore 64. Load asterisk comma eight comma one. That thing is so much fun to play on, it's like a relic from my childhood." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I remember them well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's hard to believe that the games that were so amazing then are just blah now. Now that we have--Da Dum!--Nintendo sixty quadrillion whatever it is, I don't know, that has the best graphics on the market, just what all the little zoomers drool into their pillows over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Zoomers?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know, those kids in the baggy pants who stare up at the game screen like it's a god of some sort--those are the zoomer babies. The same ones with the bowl cuts who go around in their little reedy prepubescent voices whining about who rules and who sucks, and lighting cigarettes but not inhaling them. Maybe if we bashed in their heads with big rocks...but no, I am not a violent person. Temperamental yes, but not violent as a practice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, let's move away from cultural homicide for a moment. How is school going?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, assembling my family for graduation is turning into a logistical nightmare. Within a week of my graduation, Jonny graduates from high school, so everyone's going to be hanging around. Well, most everyone. Mom and her fianc�� are flying back to London the day after my graduation, and obviously Grandma Strauss won't be hanging around for Jonny's. She's never quite stopped blaming my father for the whole divorce and stuff, never mind the fact that Mom left Dad. I think Aunt Sarah's whisking Grandma away to San Diego with her, quickly and quietly. Aunt Sarah can always be depended upon for the tactful withdrawal of the loud grandmother who screams at everyone in German when she gets angry. But if Grandma tries to force-feed me that liver dumpling soup again this time, I will definitely run and hide until she leaves." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your grandmother sounds like quite a character." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just a little. But it's okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I warned you at the beginning that I have a tendency to do that. Diarrhea of the mouth, and once you pop you can't stop." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't mind. But while you're stopping to breathe..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ouch! Score point for Doctor B. The arrow goes right to the target!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. Now as I was about to say, I am still wondering about this Malcolm character you're seeing. Do you mind if I ask about him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean am I going to bite your head off like I did last week? No, I don't mind if you ask now. I was just having a bad day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem to be having a considerably better one now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, and I am feeling very, very relaxed. I had a glass of wine at lunch, too, so that's probably why I'm so chatty today. Oh, please, don't look at me like that. One glass of the house burgundy at Salerno's is not going to get me to slide drunk under the table. If I ever do come in drunk, which is something that only happens when geese fly backwards through Alaska and turn purple, there will be no mistaking it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. I'll take your word for that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Probably for the best. Anyway, you wanted to talk about Malcolm the Malcontent. What did you want to know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Malcolm the Malcontent?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a nickname that they have for him around Cafe Roma. At least it is behind his back. Everyone seems to be scared of him, but for the life of me I don't know why. I know he's intimidating-looking, what with all that metal in his face and in other places, but he's actually quite an intelligent quiet man. When he's not breaking things and people in the dojo, of course." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah. He practices martial arts; I remember you saying that now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, he actually teaches at the dojo a couple of blocks from the Cafe Roma. I went and watched one night. It's pretty amazing. I thought about joining a class for about five seconds, then I realized that they require a lot more self-discipline than I think I have. Still, it's an interesting thought. But he does have a tendency to brood, I will say that. And he's extremely protective. That night he went after Kevin kind of proved that. Anything important to me, he looks out for. Lancelot doesn't seem to appreciate him much, though. He always hisses at him, then takes off under the futon with his tail all puffed out. I can never get him out until after Malcolm leaves." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm, I see. In our last session, you implied that the two of you had been intimate..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I did?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If I am remembering correctly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I guess I did. Okay. Well, yes, we were. But just once so far. The night he tore into Kevin, actually." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I got kind of upset. Kevin was lurking around and that didn't make me terribly happy, but Malcolm taking off after him like some sort of beat-em-up-Bruce-Lee-was-a-patsy demon from hell wasn't exactly pleasing either. I flipped out, seriously. There's a new contender for the worst panic attack of my life. Malcolm comes back inside, all sweaty, his knuckles split open across his right hand, and he just looks at me. So I start yelling, telling him that it was uncalled-for, all that sort of thing. I tell him to get out, and he still just stands there. The next thing I know, well...things happened." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, I'm sure you are probably questioning my judgment now..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not at all, Chris. You are an adult, and who you choose to be with is entirely up to you. You do know to take precautions, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm downright paranoid about it, Doctor. Maybe even more than I need to be. And I've drilled that into Jonny's head too, which I think is a good thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, very good. I don't think that there is such a thing as being too paranoid right now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "True. Especially for Jonny. Although, according to what he's told me, he is...oh how can I put this delicately--screw it. I can't. He prefers to give rather than receive if you get my meaning. And while that may be a little less risky, the risk is still there. So I gave him an hour long lecture, after which he was well and truly as paranoid as I. Am I a great sister, or what?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Absolutely. Has he decided to tell your father yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's going to do it. I have to be there with him, but he's going to do it. As soon as all the other relatives leave. He told Monica, though, who was surprisingly blase about it. She either has nerves of steel or a brain of tapioca. I'm putting my money on the tapioca, myself. I think Dad has figured it all out, anyway. He'll be okay. It's Joanne and her oblivious dithering that I'm worried about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can see why." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gods, if Malcolm ever meets Dad, I think Dad would find his son being gay tame fare compared to this tall, dark, and surly weird man his daughter's bedding down with. Herald the Horrible in full bloom. I can just see the showdown. Gunfight at the Dominant Male corral. Why do men all have to act like that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not all men do, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, I'll rephrase that. Why is it that all men in my life, save Jonny and you, have to act like they own any female that falls under their sphere of authority? I am perfectly capable of winding my way through the bullshit all by myself without some testosterone-laden man beating off the baddies with a stick. What if I want to beat the baddies myself? Eh? They don't want to hear that. Did you ever wonder why the heroine of all those fairy tales was never anything but a simpering maiden? It's simple. If a man-hero has a sidekick, it is either a smaller, weaker man, or a stronger, smarter woman. They put the strong woman on the same level as the weak man. And of course, the strong female who is more or less the Man-Hero's equal is always pining away for love of the Man-Hero, who never notices her. Instead the Man-hero is staring into the vacant baby-blue eyes of the simpering rescued maiden. The hero doesn't fall in love with his sidekick. It just doesn't work that way. You have to be a weakling if you want the strong man, or he will make you feel weak and ineffectual until you are the weakling anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd never thought about it that way, but you have a point." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Sucks, doesn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In a word. Our time's almost up, Chris. I'll see you next week, and until then, take care." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Here you go, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, you're giving this to me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "All head-shrinkers need a pipe. Even if it only blows bubbles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you, Chris. Oh, I see you brought Malcolm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't bring him. I wonder what he's doing here? Damn. Anyway, I'll see you next week, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bye, Chris. And if you need physical protection from Malcolm, I'm afraid you're on your own." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 7th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, April 24, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHello, Chris. What's all that stuff you're carrying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Takeout from Szechuan Palace. Sorry, I haven't eaten yet today, and my stomach is getting angry with me. There's more than enough for two here. Want some?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, maybe later. How's the studying going?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's going. Where it's going, I'm not entirely sure. I'm procrastinating a little. It can be hard to study with a small gray-haired German woman making something that smells frightening in your kitchen." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She arrived early. Extremely early. And she's staying in my apartment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. How is that working out?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened to the papers?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I still haven't found them. She insists that she didn't throw them away." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, that's just the beginning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? Now I'm intrigued. What else happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She chased Malcolm out of my apartment with a meat cleaver." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She didn't!" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. Malcolm has a habit of dropping in unannounced. If it isn't late at night and I'm home, I usually leave the door unlocked, in case Jonny or whoever stops by. But I was out having a drink with Bessa, and Grandma didn't lock the door when I left." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who's Bessa?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember my mentioning Dr. Graham, the Victorian Lit professor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Her first name's Bessa, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Weird, huh? I tried to find it in a book of names and their meanings and couldn't. Her father was a poet, so I think he just made it up because he liked the way it sounded. Depending on how into the beat poets you were, you might have vaguely heard of him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not, really, so let's skip it. Now, you were in this bar..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yeah. Okay, well, Bessa is playing darts with another of her friends, I'm just sitting at the bar, cursing the sick mastermind who came up with the concept of seasonal beers so I can't get a double-bock when I want one. Talking to the bartender, who was really very nice and just nodded and smiled as I rambled, which I am wont to do. I go home later, and Malcolm is waiting outside. He pulls me down the stairs--Malcolm has the basement studio, I have the first floor. He then proceeds to tell me that my grandmother, the woman who will not even squish a spider, picked up a six inch meat cleaver and screamed at him in German. I guess she thought he was a burglar or something. He said he was actually frightened of her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wonderful. Now if we can just keep your grandmother stationed in the kitchen with a meat cleaver..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm just kidding, Chris. It is a pretty funny image, though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you ever meet her, you won't think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, well, maybe not." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do with her Friday night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why, what's Friday night?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, apparently some friends of Malcolm's have a band that's playing on Friday night. The Dosy Posies or something like that--I was only half-listening when Malcolm started growling about it. Anyway, they gave Malcolm tickets and backstage passes, so he invited Jonny and me to go with him. Jonny's underage, but Malcolm says that we're on the guest list so it won't matter. What's the matter, Doctor? You look like your shirt collar is suddenly too tight and your head's going to explode. Would an egg roll make you feel better?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, no...I'm all right. Please, continue." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Malcolm seems to be a lot less enthusiastic about seeing his friends perform than I thought he would be. He just sort of growled that he had to go, and he'd like to bring Jonny and I if we wanted to come too. Jonny absolutely glowed when I told him, and I can't very well disappoint my baby brother, so I guess we're going." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm...so you and Malcolm are officially a couple, more or less?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I guess so. Not really. It's kind of complicated actually..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he handed me one of his rings, said he thought it would look nice on my hand. But it's too big to wear anyplace but on my thumb. I suppose one way of looking at it is like we were in high school and he just gave me his class ring to wear, but Malcolm is no meatheaded football player. Instead he's a hotheaded martial artist. He's also more than a little posessive, I've noticed. I'm beginning to think I should cool things off. It can be so frustrating though. Because every time I think I've had enough and I want out, he does something that's either really tender or just turns me on a whole lot. All I can think of is, \"Here we go again.\" Same shit Kevin started pulling. But Kev took a lot longer going about it, and he's not nearly as odd as Malcolm is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When you say he's odd, why am I hearing dangerous?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd be lying if I told you he was an absolute angel, Doctor. He scares me sometimes. He's hinted at why he had to leave New York, and it sounds like he could be in a lot of trouble. The perverse part is, it thrills me in a way. I guess I'm substituting one sort of adrenaline rush for another. I already know he's a criminal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, what sort of crime are we talking about here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not murder. At least I don't think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't think so. Great." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know I'm being an idiot, but I can't seem to help myself. Have you ever just had this urge to do something totally inappropriate and possibly dangerous, to just cut loose and live in the dark for awhile?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not quite to the same extent, but I know the impulse you're talking about." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes I take a look at the situation and say to myself, \"What the hell am I doing?\" I would like a stable secure relationship with an intelligent thoughtful man. Yes, I would. I know it's hard to believe. Someone with a good job, family-oriented; someone I can trust and depend on to be a good partner and help me raise a family, because eventually I do want a family. But right now I feel like I want to have at least one more fling, throw caution to the wind, live in the whole 'bad-boy clich��.' I don't think it's so wrong to want that. One more wild dance before settling down and being the good little wife, mother and teacher. This could give me something to write about for the rest of my life, and I intend to enjoy it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's nothing that says that you have to live the domestic life, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I know that, Doctor. But I want to have it. I want the adoring husband and the two kids and the black Lab in the backyard, and Lancelot as an adult purring in my lap. It's not that I don't. I just want to know what I'm giving up, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just a normal mundane little sitcom lifestyle? This from the same woman who railed not too long ago about practicality as opposed to art? What does that smile mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just that you underestimate me, Doc. The life that I'm describing will be the life according to me. The husband probably won't be something staid like an accountant or lawyer, but a bit more funky. The children raised on fairy tales and music, rather than MTV. You know what I mean? Like looking at a typical family only idealized for my personality. I'm not someone who can be entirely domesticated. I'll probably get kicked off the PTA committee for saying that the principal is a narrow-minded bigot or something. Whew, that was deep. I'm really starting to get too philosophical sometimes. It's like there are two voices inside me, one daring me to go wild and push things until they break. That side likes Malcolm a whole lot. The other side thinks that I need to find a nice architect or engineer or something else Dad would approve of and stop this nonsense that could get me hurt. It gets so tiring. And no, I don't actually hear the voices, Doctor. That was just a metaphor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe you. I just don't want to see you get hurt, you know." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's okay, Doctor. I'm fireproof." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I doubt that. No one is, entirely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Damn close to it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, if you say so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm also stubborn." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That I can believe." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Tut tut, such a smartass. Anyway, I brought the notebook finally. You can read it if you want to, but I take no responsibility for anything you may see in there. I also apologize if some of it makes no sense, because it's very stream of consciousness in its style. Sometimes my conciousness stream is not the most fun place to be. It gets decidedly muddled." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure that I'll get by. How has the panic business been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Read all about it. It is finals season, and business is booming in the panic market. I'm ashamed of myself, though. I must admit it. I fell off the wagon the other night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fell off, or jumped off." }, { "from": "human", "value": "More like dove off, right into a lake of cappucino. At least I'm off the hardcore stuff, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "True. Were you studying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You guessed it. Curled up in a corner of the Roma with Keats. It was a happy evening. I love the Romantic poets. But I'm going to pack up my cartons here and go home. We're almost out of time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, Chris. I'll see you next week. We can talk about the journal then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right, then. Have a good one, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Chris." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 8th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, May 1, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHi, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Chris. How are you feeling today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Listen, can we kind of skip the pleasantries for now? I don't mean to be a bitch, but there is some serious shit going on, and I could use some advice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course. What's on your mind?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Friday night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did something happen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It only turned into the biggest cluster fuck you can possibly imagine, Doctor. It was a nightmare." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Well, we went to that concert I was telling you about, the one that Malcolm got the tickets for from his friend. Friend--yeah right. Anyway, the band was all right. It's not really my kind of music, but they didn't suck either. Mal had backstage passes, so the three of us--Malcolm, Jonny and I--we headed backstage after the performance. That's where the trouble started. Apparently Malcolm had a relationship with this underage chit in the band, and she turned up pregnant and insists it's his, and he insists it's not. So she drags him off to talk it out, while Jonny is falling deeply in lust with this pretty blond guitarist-boy from the band. I'm just sort of chatting with everyone, and all of a sudden the two of them--Malcolm and the wench--are screaming obscenities at each other. Another girl tries to calm things down, and the wench slaps her, and things just got worse from there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They got worse?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know it sounds like they couldn't possibly have gotten any worse, but believe me they did." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, the screaming match got louder and louder. Meanwhile, I'm hearing shit about Mal from his buddies in the band that is beginning to seriously worry me. I knew he was hotheaded, but what they were telling me about him made it sound like it goes past hotheadedness and curves into pure rage. Plus, this damned ring he gave me apparently is some sort of symbol of his staking a permanent claim. Great, like I need his possessiveness together with everything else going on in my life. When I mentioned giving it back, these guys just laughed. It's not that easy, they told me. He has to take it back himself. Next thing I know, the wench kicks Malcolm right in the balls, and he stoically blocks and immobilizes her with some of his karate stuff. Didn't look like he tried to hurt her, he was just keeping her from causing any other damage. Then in come the police. Malcolm is cuffed and all that, and this wench starts blubbering about how she won't press charges and so on. So he was released later, but I wasn't around." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The people in the band were really nice to Jonny and I...well, all except for the wench of course. This other girl--Eliza is her name I think--gave me her card and told me to e-mail her if I wanted some answers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll get to that in a minute. I should tell you about the rest of the evening first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So the token drag queen in the band invites me and Jonny to come back to her place for drinks with the others. Jonny was not quite ready to be torn away from his object of worship despite the circumstances, so we went along for the ride--didn't have many options, actually, as Malcolm had driven us there. I got completely lit up on screwdrivers, and had a very deep conversation with Anders--the drag queen--about the nature of love and other examples of the Almighty's sick sense of humor. It was nice to have a shoulder to cry on, even if it was just for the evening. I passed out on his couch about five in the morning, and woke up around two the next day with a very nice, quiet looking little man standing over me and asking if I wanted some orange juice. It was Phillip, Anders' significant other. Jonny had already gone home; he'd gotten a ride with the one sober person at the gathering. So Anders and Phillip drove me home, and I went upstairs and apologized to my grandmother, who was certain that Malcolm had killed me. He might as well have given how bad that hangover was." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And that was your evening?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That was my evening." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds eventful.\nWhat's your situation with Malcolm now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "There really isn't one. I haven't seen him--not for his lack of trying. The police released him after the underage tart refused to press charges, and there was a note on my door when I got home. I ignored it. Then he tried calling but I let the machine pick it up. He knocked but I wouldn't answer. I just can't face him yet, not until I have a better idea of what to do. He said he loved me on the answering machine when he called. A week ago that might have stirred in me some sort of positive emotional reaction. Now it just makes me feel scared, and sort of attracted to him in a perverse sort of way. That's what creeps me out most of all--the sick thrill of it all. I don't understand it, Doctor. Am I stupid?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've always thought of you as a very intelligent woman..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Am I insecure? A Wimp? Am I someone who's afraid to take charge and stand up for herself and others?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hardly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Unattractive, then?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Far from it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Then I could definitely do better than to be caught in this situation. So what's the problem, then? If I'm an intelligent, educated, assertive person, how did I get stuck here? How could my judgement have been so clouded? I feel like a goddamned fool, and I hate feeling that way. I'm so used to being on top of things, used to having everything pulled together and being two steps ahead of everyone else. I just don't understand, and I feel helpless and almost naked, vulnerable like that. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. My confidence has been pretty much shot full of holes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You knew Malcolm had a past--part of your attraction was to that bad boy side of him. All that really happened to you was that you were with a guy who was in a fight and got arrested during a rock concert. I think what really got hurt was your pride, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pride? Pride is traditionally the downfall of the tragic hero in literature. Look at Oedipus, and King Lear. My pride, that whole mindset that I can handle anything that life throws at me, the sheer arrogance that lead me to think I was so much smarter and more controlled than everyone else, that I would never let myself be taken advantage of, has been my downfall. I basically got bitch-slapped into reality, and found out what an idiot I am. Damn. Do you have any tissue?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Here you go. Please don't cry, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know. It'll ruin my makeup and my eyes will get all red and puffy. Besides, I never cry. It doesn't do any good, nothing gets solved by sitting around weeping and wailing like a baby." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not what I meant." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know. I know what you meant, Doc. I'm okay now. Just couldn't stop it for a second." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You know, if you really feel the need to, you don't have to be embarassed about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Feel the need to what? Cry?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Cry, yell, tear the stuffing out of my pillows--no on second thought, don't destroy my furniture. There, that's better." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not entirely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know. My secret's out. But don't tell the rest of the world, okay? Only a select few are allowed to know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your secret is safe with me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, wait a second. Before I go, you wanted to know if I had written e-mail to the Eliza chick from the band, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I did ask about that. What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I now know why Malcolm left New York." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh you are going to love this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh oh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Apparently, he was engaged to the daughter of this businessman. Malcolm's actually college-educated--graduated with a degree in computer science. Well, the papa-in-law-to-be apparently had megabucks, and dear daughter turned up dead. Broken neck, but she hadn't fallen or anything. She was just dead on the living room floor. Malcolm was immediately suspect number one, due to his martial arts skill and bad temper. For some reason or other, he skipped town after that. Eliza said that he told her he didn't do it, that he was being set up to take the fall and it had to do with some sort of underworld connection to his dead fianc��e's family. Hence his cross-country exodus. Cute, huh? Sounds like a TV movie. Makes me want to sick up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds charming. So you haven't talked to him since Friday?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Probably for the best." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd agree. But I'm going to go now, Doc. I'm taking Grandma to the zoo. I don't know why, but she wants to go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds like fun. It's a nice day for it. I've been there--make sure you see the Gorilla habitat. And they feed the big cats at two in the afternoon." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, perfect for Lancelot. But maybe it'll take my mind off of things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Actually, it might serve to remind you. Take care, Chris. Call me if you need anything, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. Bye, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 9th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, May 8, 1997 at 12:00 pm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know, Doctor, I'm going to start thinking that you and that desk are one entity before too long. Don't you get restless sitting like that all the time?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I never really thought about it. Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you prefer if I didn't?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really have a preference. Your legs, your business, capisce?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Indeed. What's on your mind today, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hair." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hair? Why...oh, I get it. Very funny." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry, I couldn't resist. I wasn't making fun of you, I promise." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anyway..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, okay, business as usual." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're down to about a week as far as school is concerned?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, and I can hardly wait. It will be such a relief to get this finished." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know the feeling." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're looking at me funny." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Am I? It's probably the hair. It's quite a change." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you think? Too short?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, actually I like it. But what I think..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doesn't really matter, I know. It's what I think that matters. I think it makes me look more like a grown-up, actually. So I guess you'd say I'm pleased with it. Just got it done this morning. The stylist wanted to blow-dry it straight but I wasn't having any of it. I happen to like the curls, even though they make me look like Little Orphan Annie on my worst days." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Interesting mental image, that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you are picturing me standing on a stage in patent leather maryjanes and belting out \"Tomorrow,\" you can stop right there. I was not a theater baby, despite my mother's zeal for her career." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Chris. It's still a funny thought though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Think so? Then I'll put the collar on you and you can play Sandy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, that's okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thought so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now, on a more serious note..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Aw, do we have to talk about that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "About what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I assumed you wanted to know about what was going on with Malcolm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It certainly was on my mind. Why do you suddenly look so guilty?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm remembering the eleventh commandment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And that was?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thou shalt not lie to thy therapist." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I like that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And did that happen on the eighth day, when God said, in the words of the immortal genius Tom Robbins, \"Let there be strict potty training and free enterprise\"?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, don't duck the subject." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, okay. Fine. I'll give you all the dirt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, that damned ring was sitting on my dresser staring at me. It was giving me the creeps. I had to get it out of there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you threw it out the window?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I was a nice Chris and went downstairs to drop it in his mailbox. And he just happened to be walking up at the time. He gave me the look--it's impossible to explain, Doc. Suffice it to say that it gave me shivers from the beginning. He very quietly--humbly almost--asked me inside for a cup of tea, and asked for the opportunity to at least explain himself. He appealed to my logical side, not the vase-throwing screaming harridan side. I couldn't think of any reason not to at least allow him that much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Because you didn't want to be around him would have sufficed." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, but that would have been a decision based on emotion rather than logic. I was trying to keep emotion away from things--to be rational." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He directed his appeal to your sense of logic and fair play." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, because he knew he wouldn't get very far by appealing to my emotions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Which are?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Scared. Burned. Suspicious. I mean, when you think about it, no one in the area has known him for more than a year. He could have completely re-created himself when he stepped across the California border, right? But that whole story just sounds a little odd to me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why is that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Come on, Doctor. I know that you are far from being a stupid man. Consider the situation. He's supposedly a suspect in the murder of his fianc��e, the daughter of a wealthy powerful businessman with Mob connections. Like I said last week, it sounds like a TV movie. So the cops and, most likely, the Mob, would both be after him. It's not like he left the country or anything. Eliza, the friend of his from the club, says he changed his name and his appearance, but still. How can someone who's six feet five with black belts coming out his ass and such striking facial features be easily missed, no matter how he changes his name or appearance?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do I get the impression that there is more to your suspicion than you are letting on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, well, okay. Fine. Okay okay okay. I'll tell you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't have to if it makes you that uncomfortable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're going to read about it anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Read about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "In my journal. I might as well prepare you for the shock. Be ready to lose all respect for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I doubt that will happen." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, I slept with him again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, I thought that would make you happy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, so what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Understandably so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What reasons could he have had for doing something like this?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's consider the possibilities. Say his girlfriend really was murdered. It's entirely possible that he felt the need to become someone else, to get away from New York where all his memories were." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Like he's creating his own mythology." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Right. If he were really on the lam, he probably wouldn't be getting long distance calls from his mother." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But he said he loved me. Didn't he think that this would catch up with him sooner or later, that sometime I would catch on to all the bullshit?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's possible he thought to break the news to you slowly when you were already committed to him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Or in an asylum. Gods, this is making me crazy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand your confusion." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you think I should confront him?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you want to salvage the relationship? To try to work past this and move on together?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Probably not. But I'm not sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you do, I'd suggest talking to him. This is something that has to be confronted if you're going to continue the relationship. If you're not, I would advise just breaking things off clean, moving out when your lease is up, and start fresh with a new place. This has all taken quite a toll on you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What I don't understand is how he could have so completely buffaloed everyone who knew him--all the guys in the band, even Eliza to some extent, although all she knew was what he told her, and she said that she tried not to make judgments." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You still talk to her, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Had lunch with her yesterday. She's in therapy too, though I don't know with whom. She's having man problems as well--her ex is a real prick. I suggested journal writing as a wonderful catharsis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad it's working out so well for you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, it's certainly helped. Anyway, Sarah and Gavin are waiting for me, so I'm going to have to get going." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh really? They're in town now, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Sarah was the one who gave me the courage to get my hair cut off. And she was the first to tell me it looked great afterwards. So Grandma Strauss is out of the apartment for now. She's staying at Sarah's condo, which Sarah kept for business and recreational purposes when she moved to San Diego. The nice part is that if I can find a roommate to split the rent, Sarah says she will rent the place to me so I can get out of that cramped little studio. Anyway, I'm going to go. Thanks, Doctor!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No problem, Chris. Take care of yourself." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 10th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, May 22, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHi, Chris. Come on in and have a seat. I'll be with you in just a moment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No problem. I know I'm early, but I was getting restless and edgy--I had to get out of the house. Without school to go to now, I'm not always sure what to do with myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's right. Congratulations, Chris! How does it feel to be a college graduate?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Relieved. Very relieved. I'm all set up for fall. I got a job at the local high school, and I'm registered for graduate classes in the evenings." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're going to be busy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, tell me about it. But the summer is pretty much wide open. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Besides moving and being Carmichael's indentured servant for his summer classes, I have no real plans." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "For you, I doubt that's a comfortable feeling." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Funny, that's exactly what Eliza said." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anyway, how are you feeling? I would think that with school being over for you, your panic attacks are less of a problem." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes and no. I find myself suspecting at times that I have a project that isn't quite done. And just as I'm thinking that I'm too busy to get to it and that I'll lose points for not getting it done on time, I remember that I can't have an undone project because I'm done with school. I guess it's like a person who's foot has been amputated still feeling tingles in the foot that's no longer attached to his leg, you follow me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure. I had problems getting used to the idea that I was no longer at school as well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, it's not exactly a pleasant feeling. It was, however, a pleasant feeling to finally get all of my family members the hell out of the area and back where they belong." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did the family reunion go?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Judging by your laughter, I'd say it was less than enchanting." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Gavin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Apparently, when Sarah moved in to help Dad take care of me after Mom skipped town, she and Dad had a more personal relationship than anyone besides the two of them was aware of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Were you the only one told about this, or was there a general announcement?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it was like this. Sarah told Gavin before they came into town. She figured he should know what he was getting into. Then, the night before graduation, she and Dad told me. I was shaken, not stirred. Gavin and I had a nice long chat about it all and decided that we really weren't too surprised. I mean, every time Sarah comes into town, she and Dad go out together. She always comes back grinning, and he's a little less gruff for a couple of days until she leaves. So they're obviously still in a relationship that goes beyond a mere friendship. The story goes that Dad wanted to marry her, but she refused him for whatever reason. But for the last twenty years, he has quietly helped support Gavin and helped put him through school. But when Mom overheard us talking, that's when the proverbial turd really hit the turbine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh no. She overheard the conversation between you and Gavin?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. And she immediately flew into a screaming, crying fit and stormed into the living room to confront Sarah and Dad in front of the entire room. This was my graduation party for Christ's sake! Thaddeus, her fianc��, was a little stricken and completely unable to calm or quiet her--stupid ineffectual little London theater geek. Grandma Strauss, bless her old strudel-making heart, fainted dead away. Sarah and Mom started yelling at each other in parts of sentences--the subject-predicate thing totally went out the window. Jonny started to cry. He'd had a hard week as it was. My Grandpa Herald was wonderful for once. He very tactfully recognized this as a Strauss family conflict and lead the Heralds out of the room to the food and beer location. Joanne flipped out because she realized that the insinuation was that Dad was screwing around on her. So she's screaming at my Dad. Dad's trying to divide his attention between Joanne's ranting and the argument going on between Mom and Sarah. Mom and Sarah are of course still screaming at each other. Jonny is bawling, leaving Gavin and I staring at each other in disbelief. Except Monica who, for once, came through when she was really needed. She turned her attention to fanning and otherwise trying to revive my grandmother. I almost liked her at that moment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Eventful day. I'm sorry about your graduation party, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, shit happens." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So how are things now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. The final score on the family disaster is that Dad has been evicted from the family homestead, pending Joanne decision about just what she wants to do about him. It doesn't help that he's staying at Sarah's condo in Berkeley, for now. But Sarah is safely back in San Diego. Whether or not she and Dad are going to continue their...assignations, I don't know. Jonny has pretty much taken up semi-permanent residence in my apartment. He can't stand to be around our parents' place right now, seeing as both parents are no longer there, and Joanne is wandering around weeping and wailing like a restless ghost. What a wimp. So I traded one family roommate for another. Poor Grandma. I don't think she'll ever be the same. Dad took me to lunch again and we had a long talk. I told him that I wasn't angry with him or Sarah, and that he needed to decide what he wants to do. He obviously considers Joanne to be merely functional and he seems to have genuine feelings for Sarah. He said that Sarah was everything that he wished my mother could have been, but that he knew that she would never marry him even if he and Joanne were to divorce. She's too independent. He also doubts that he and Joanne will actually divorce, as she is fond of her big house and stable upper-class lifestyle. She'll no doubt get a huge vulgar piece of jewelry and be purring inside of a couple weeks. So that's it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Chris. I guess your graduation didn't turn out exactly as expected. I see now why you responded to my questions about it with limited enthusiasm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It wasn't exactly the exhilarating time that it could have been, no." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, it was probably more exhilarating than most similar affairs, but I understand." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And to add to the pile, another interesting tidbit..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know that look. I feel a Malcolm story coming on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, so perceptive. You're right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, give me the update." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I thought a lot about what we discussed last time I was here. I decided that, at the very least, there was a big open-ended spot that was going to be extremely bothersome later on. So I decided to pinch it off before it could sprout." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I went down to talk to him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Um, did you...?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, Doctor. I didn't sleep with him this time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was funny. Very funny. I go down and knock on the door and a stranger answers. Malcolm's hair, Malcolm's voice, Malcolm's body. But this stranger had removed every facial piercing and shaved off the goatee, and was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I met Michael, the man behind the image. And it was something of a revelation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then the message you overheard wasn't a mistake." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope. No mistake. His full name is Michael Malcolm Drake, Malcolm is his mother's maiden name. He prefers Malcolm usually, even though his family calls him Michael or Mike. He really did graduate with a computer science degree. His fianc��e really was murdered in her parents' house. And her father really was tied to shady dealings. But he had nothing to do with it and was never even a suspect. He grieved hard for a long time, hating who he was without his girlfriend and being sure he would never feel any sort of love again. So he morphed himself into the brooding, dour man of mystery that we all know and want to hit. He became someone else and headed for the opposite side of the country, where no one would know him as anything else." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Where he met a certain Berkeley student with curly hair and a way with words..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See, you follow the story well. It came to pass that he developed feelings for this girl, but worried that she was attracted to the image of the dangerous bad boy, which she sadly was. He didn't drop the image even when it became very difficult, because he feared losing her. His assignation with a certain young tramp came back to haunt him. And he had to struggle to maintain his connection with his new paramour. Then it all flew apart with an accidentally overheard message from a loving mother. Game, set, match. It's a wrap, as they say in L.A." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And did this girl understandingly accept the real man behind the facade who claimed to care about her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You can bet your funky neckties that she didn't. She called him several creative insulting names using words that her Lit professor never taught her and stomped back upstairs to cry into her cat's fur." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So it's over." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. No more Malcolm stories. I'll give you some peace and let you be a shrink instead of Dear Abby. We can talk about more mature and less soap opera-ish things next time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You know that you can talk about..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "...whatever I want. I know that, Doc. And I appreciate it. It's my nickel, as they say." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not what I meant and you know it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course I know. Don't look so wounded. If I thought that you only listened because I was paying you by the hour to do so, I would have been out the door long, long ago. You're not just the Doc, Doc. You're a friend, too. Albeit one to which I have somewhat limited access." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's good to know that you think of me that way. It means that I'm doing my job well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, you're all right. Funky ties and all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you liked my ties." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I do. It's just a personality marker, like my curls or Bessa's fondness for black clothes and shoes that could have been designed by a medieval torturer. No big deal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, I understand. Well, Chris, it looks as though we're out of time for the day. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Will do. Take care, Doctor B. And get some sun. You look like a cadaver. What good is California unless you use it to advantage?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I live in the fog belt. I haven't seen sun for weeks now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't you have a car? For hot and sunny, try the East Bay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks for the tip. Goodbye, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 11th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, May 29, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nGreetings, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, my..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I know it looks awful. You should see the other guy. Before you start freaking out, let me explain." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, Chris. Maybe you'd better explain." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. So it comes to pass that I go over to hang with my friend Eliza, she wants me to meet her new boyfriend and stuff. She's all nervous, like the kind of jitters you get when you're in high school and the guy you have had a crush on since third grade is coming over for dinner. Well, she's doing something in the kitchen when someone materializes at her door. I go answer, assuming it's her new man, and it turns out to be her old one. Jesus. And I thought Kevin was unbalanced. He demands imperiously to see Liz and I use my massive powers of deduction and figure out who he is. Ta da! I certainly earned my Super Sleuth Decoder ring. Anyway, I tell him to go away. Then I tell him more forcefully to go away. Finally, as he is mumbling mantras about how he must talk to Eliza, I try to close the door in his face. And he forced it back open, wailed something about me trying to keep them apart, and nailed me. Kerboom. I've never been hit before, at least not really. Needless to say, it was a shock." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That particular shade of purplish-green is an interesting look for you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, isn't it lovely? I thought it would particularly impress my father when he comes over for dinner tonight. I'm cooking for the old man. It should be interesting." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're jumping subjects again." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry. Bad habit. Anyway, I wound up sprawled on the floor of the foyer in utter stupefaction and more than a little pain. He goes thundering towards the kitchen and Eliza. I pick myself up, dust myself off, realize that I am fighting mad and I am damn fucking well not going to put up with some oversized Ken doll tagging me in the eye, ruining my mascara, and messing with my friends on top of it all. So, I manage to lurch into the kitchen where good old Puke has Liz pinned up against the wall and he's shrieking into her face about coming back to him. So, I did the only logical thing I could think of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You called the police and a veterinarian to give your friend's ex a rabies shot." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope. Chris logic, Doc, not regular logic." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I ran and jumped onto his back and proceeded to try and claw his face off, telling him as I did so that if he didn't let Eliza go, I was going to rip off his testicles and feed them to Eliza's kitten. Just as I was finishing up this impressive bit of dialogue, in walks Eliza's new man. Peter, I think his name is. Poor guy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh oh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh oh is right. But the guy was a trooper. He immediately set about distracting Puke, and Puke let Eliza go. Puke thunders over to pound on Peter, and Eliza faints. I let go of my death grip on Puke and set about trying to rouse Liz back to the waking world and call the cops at the same time. Then, another in a long-line of bizarre coincidences, guess who walks in?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your father. Eliza turns out to be his daughter, too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, no! Have you no vision, man? One of these things is not like the other! Who have I talked about in many many sessions that is in league, well sort of, with the whole situation?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That would be Malcolm. Michael. Whatever. Him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good. Whew, I was afraid I was losing you there for a minute. So Malcolm/Michael takes stock of the situation--Liz passed out, me with an eye the color of an eggplant, and Peter being pounded on, and proceeds to really trounce the dog snot out of Puke. I don't even know what Malcolm was doing there, but at the time I was too relieved to question it at all. Besides, it was a beautiful thing. The cops arrived to see Malcolm holding Puke down, grinding his face into the linoleum. Peter was most likely bleeding internally from all the gut punches, and Liz was still in La La land. So in come the paramedics. And that's my story." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a very interesting story, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, don't shoot the messenger. The Herald, if you will. Is that a pun in my pocket..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So the final score of the afternoon was..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Puke got arrested and got slapped with a big old happy restraining order, Peter split after he talked to the cops, Liz recovered, sadder yet wiser, and I am still sporting the mark of a friend's psychotic ex. Case closed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Malcolm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was kind of strange, Doc. After all this went down, and Eliza's parents were there and she was in her hospital room more or less patched up, I was left just sort of standing in the lobby with Malcolm. All the adrenaline left my body in one big whoosh, and I started to cry. Made my eye sting. I think I've done more bawling in the last month than in the last five years before that. Anyway, I'm just kind of hanging my head, totally oblivious to everything, and arms come around me. Really tentatively, but there. I guess if I'd been thinking about it, I would have shoved him away. But I wasn't, and for some reason it just felt really good to have him holding me like that. I felt...I don't know. It's hard to explain. It was different than before. But he gave me a ride home, and now I don't know what is going on with him at all. I haven't seen him since Monday when this all happened." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. And is that because you have just not had the occasion to run into each other, or have you been avoiding him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's what I thought." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, just a few short weeks ago you weren't what I would call a fan of his, Doctor. Now are you trying to tell me that I am doing the wrong thing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I'm not. I just think you should probably talk things out with him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Listen, how do I know that this is the real him this time? I don't! He spent so much time lying to everyone because he couldn't face the real world, and now that he's decided to come back from whatever fantasy-land he was living in before, it's all hail the conquering hero, and I'm the wicked woman who's breaking his heart. Well, I have had it with getting my heart broken! And I know that I could genuinely fall in love with him the way he is now, that's what's sick about it. So until I have no doubts that this is yet another masquerade, I don't want to hear any more about it!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Chris. Okay. Sit down. You don't have to shout." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And I would never take his part against you. That isn't even the point." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. Subject change?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you wish." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let's. Dad's back at home, you might be interested to know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good, I suppose." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's the Co-Dependency Show, starring Dad and Joanne. Hey, I haven't told you about Jonny's date, have I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, but I remember you mentioning it last week. Did it go well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Beautifully. Jonny arranged for Greg to pick him up at my place, all the better to keep in the closet for a bit longer. So Jonny is primping, singing, fretting over what he should wear, and Greg comes in looking darling, and the two speed off in Greg's little Miata. Rich boy, widowed mother who dotes on him. They have a marvelous evening together. I have never heard Jonny so giddy, bless his prissy little button-down collars. The next day, this kid sends Jonny roses at my apartment. Roses, be god! I told Jonny that Greg was probably a keeper if he was getting flowers after the first date. He just blushed and cooed about how wonderful Greg was. Anders and Phillip were hanging around, and Anders gave Phil this really scathing look, saying that he never got any flowers. He went on to inform the room that the last present that Phil had given him was a grill pan for the oven. Phil looked kind of sheepish and said it was a really high-quality grill pan and did all sorts of neat stuff, and Anders said that wasn't the point, and they got into it there in the living room. It was cute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can imagine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let's see, what else. Oh, the principal at my new place of employment is a total wacko. He's like something you would see in a kid's TV show, with the image of Principal Nerd being amped out to the point of a parody. Mister Gottleib. He has a lisp like you wouldn't believe, and he has the strangest speech pattern you will ever hear. It rises and falls at totally random intervals. Plus, the guy looks like Pavoratti aged twenty five years and after a long night with the vino. Vivid image, no? He showed me my classroom. It's actually pretty nice. Lots of windows, so I won't get claustrophobic. But there is this teacher in the room down the hall from mine. His name is Aaron Fraiser, and he teaches advanced placement history. There's something weird about him, but he's really nice. I know him from somewhere, I just can't quite put my finger on it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure it will come to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Oh, hey! I'm moving finally. This weekend, in fact." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To where?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The condo my aunt owns. Well, I keep calling it a condo, but it's actually more of a duplex...it's hard to explain. Basically it's a really old house that my aunt and a friend of hers really loved, but neither of them could afford on their own. It went up for sale and they went in on it together, making some changes and remodeling the place into basically two halves, bigger than apartments but not quite town-house material. So we always called it a condo. It's so nice. The house is over a hundred years old, with a lot of room, and I'll have an actual bedroom! Hurrah, hurrah! I'll never be able to find my cat again, though. If he decides to speak to me again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why? Is he angry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The unkindest cut of all..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you...oh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. It was time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can understand his resentment, but it will pass." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Anyway, it's time for me to get out of your face, Doc. See you next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you get your eye looked at by a doctor, by the way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. You've been looking at it for about an hour now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Cute. Bye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 12th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHi there, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There you are. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to stand me up." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Isn't that just like a man? A few minutes late, and suddenly the world is coming to an end." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Such generalizations." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know, women always generalize. Sorry. I guess I'm having a militant feminist day. The estrogen is wearing combat boots." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay. How have you been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I should be asking you that. Feel better?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Much, thanks. It was not a pleasant week, though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't imagine. I hate being sick, and hospitals give me the creeps. And I spent most of Thursday in one to boot. I was not happy, to say the least." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is something wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh no. Not with me. Carmichael, bless his pointed little skull, was the one who was being tended to. The old goat fell down and broke his leg." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ouch." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, really. I'm fast asleep, and I get this phone call asking me to come and pick him up to go to the hospital. He told me what had happened, and I wanted to know why the hell he hadn't called 911 if he was feeling frisky enough to use the phone. He said that the idea quite frankly hadn't dawned on him, but he still expected me to be waiting for him when he arrived with the paramedics. I told him that this went above and beyond the call of normal graduate assistant duties, and I expected to be given credit thusly for it. He told me to haul my lazy ass out of bed and get to the hospital before he came to my bed and kicked me out with his one good leg. So I went." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see why you used to call him the gargoyle.\nSoap operas?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, who would have thought it, huh? But the man is utterly addicted to All My Children." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Truly amazing. So what else is new? How is the new place working out for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you looked edgy when you came in. Is something wrong with your aunt's house?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. No. Well, sort of. I feel so stupid for even thinking this shit..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, what is going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You are going to think I've gone round the bend. Totally off the deep end. Beam me up, Scotty." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I won't. I know you too well. If you're this nervous, something has got to be going on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. How much do you know about ghosts, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Um...I saw Beetlejuice..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There. I said it. I think the place is haunted. I feel like such a loser saying it, but there it is. I can't think of any other explanation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't sound like a loser, Chris. But tell me what's happened." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. I moved into the place, and everything was fine. I love the house! It's beautiful, roomy...god, you should have seen Lancelot go nuts having all that space to run around in! He was in kitty wonderland. But a couple days after I moved in, weird things started happening. I would walk into the bathroom, and the water would be running. The standard odd knocking sounds, cool breezes when all the windows were closed. That sort of thing. Once, I even saw Lancelot playing with something or someone that completely wasn't there. I don't know. I'm a cynic by nature, and it's very uncomfortable for me to even suggest such a thing might be possible. But it sounds like every ghost story that I've ever read." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Calm down, Chris. I don't think you're crazy. But there could be perfectly normal explanations for all of that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I hope so. Because my friends aren't providing any helpful ideas in this situation. Bessa wanted to perform some sort of a ritual to drive the entity out into the next world. Anders made some pretty graphic comments about vicarious spirit sex that I don't care to repeat; I think he's been watching too much late night television. Malcolm seems to have taken up a sentinel-like position in my living room, protecting me from the scum of the netherworld. I am beginning to think that if I'm not crazy, then all this is going to make me crazy. I hope that there is a reason for all this. Old water pipes come to mind. That was Malcolm's suggestion. But it didn't stop him from loitering around my couch for the better part of an evening when he was supposed to be taking me out on a date." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Old pipes could well be a good reason for all that's been happening. So you're dating Malcolm again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dating being the operative word. I laid a lot of ground rules for our interactions. If he lies to me about one more thing, no matter how small, it's over. No tears, no yelling, no recriminations, just out the door. And we're talking a lot. I basically have to get to know him all over again, since all I knew was a big facade. The thing is, I think I like him better this way. It's all been pretty normal. But normal in a good way, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Exactly. I'm glad you're happy, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's just it. I'm not." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not happy. I don't know what it is that's missing, but it was missing even before the wall came down with him, so to speak. He's fun to date, we get along really well now, but I feel like I'm overlooking something. Something important. Something I have missed completely and is going to come up and bite me on the ass when I'm not looking. It reminds me of a guy named Kurt I was hanging around with for awhile when I was a freshman in college." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What was this guy like, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, he does sound charming. Go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh-kaaaay...well, for one thing he was a master manipulator. Did you ever talk to someone and know what they were saying was bullshit, but it was such entertaining, poetic bullshit that you just let them go on? That's how it was talking with Kurt. But as I said, he was crazy. I think he owned more weapons than Nazi Germany. He threatened suicide, mentally abused his ex-girlfriend and future wife--those two are the same person, incidentally--and basically attempted to work me over into this little demented club he had going on. But he did have a vivid imagination. I never did determine whether or not he actually believed what he would talk about, but he would go on and on about it. He could be very sweet, romantic, and sexy, but it was all so creepy that after a while I could never feel quite at ease with him. I started seeing someone else, and left him to his delusions. The odd thing is I'm still friends with a couple of people I met through him. Go figure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what does this have to do with Malcolm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm getting to that. Malcolm in some ways at first reminded me of Kurt. He had a similar sort of edge without the wildcards, so to speak. But Malcolm came clean and decided to live in the real world. Actually, he never really lived out of it. Kurt lived in his own little Kurt-realm, which was just fine with me. But as far as Malcolm is concerned, I still feel like there's a piece missing here. Kurt just happened to have a lot of pieces missing, most of them in his brain. Malcolm might not have many pieces missing from his brain, but he does have one missing somewhere. And until that piece is found, I'm just not quite comfortable with him as a potential lifemate yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. You and Malcolm are starting over, so just take things slowly. It will all work itself out, one way or another." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I hope so. Besides, I'm sure you're tired of hearing Malcolm stories all the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I'm fine. Really." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh! Hey, urgent news flash, Herr Doktor...Jonny came out, out, out! And Joanne wigged, wigged, wigged. And Dad's divorcing her over it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh my. Just when things were starting to settle down..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly. Jonny decided that he is seriously in love with Greg, and Greg is in love with him. Jonny's decided to stay in town and go to Berkeley, rather than hike off to the wilds of the frozen north, because Greg is going there, to Berkeley I mean. But Sunday afternoon he sat the parents down and told them the truth. I was there, and so was Monica--who every time I think is an utterly hopeless blonde bimbette, turns around and does something really amazing. Monica and I stood back, waiting for Dad to blow up completely. But he didn't. He stayed cool, looked at Jonny and asked if there was a young man at the moment. Jonny told him yes there was, and Dad just nodded. Then he stands up and--wonder of all fucking wonders--hugs Jonny. Monica and I looked at each other in total stupefication. Dad asked Jonny what he thought Dad was going to say, and Jonny just shugged, looking all teary eyed, and said he hadn't known what to expect. Then Dad told him to be damned careful, because he didn't want to lose Jonny early. Referring to AIDS, I assume, and safe sex. Jonny promised, and Dad turns around and gives me this kind of sheepish grin, and says that he assumed that I'd known about this all along, which of course I did. Meanwhile, Joanne's face is just getting whiter and whiter, and her lips are disappearing, she's pressing them so tightly together. Then the valve blew." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did she say?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, Doc, it was awful. Poor Jonny. Some of the things that came out of her mouth were so ugly, that I thought the kid would be scarred emotionally for life. She even tried to hit him, but Dad kept his arm around Jonny the whole time, and finally just looked Joanne right in the eyes and told her to get the hell out of his house, because no one was ever going to speak to his son that way. Especially not the mother who should love him no matter what. Then Dad kind of steered Jonny over to me, and told me to take him back over to my place. He and Joanne had things to discuss. I asked Monica to come along, and she did. So the two of us kind of shared the duty of consoling Jonny over Joanne's reaction. And surprisingly enough, on the eve of our parents divorcing, Monica and I bonded. When I took them home later, Joanne was gone. Her Mercedes wasn't in the garage and there was no trace of either her or her stupid little Pomeranian. Dad said he sent her over to a hotel, and he had no doubt that she would go for blood in the divorce, given his infidelity. Monica was welcome to stay at the house for as long as she wanted, of course, but she was planning to move down to L.A. anyway; she's gotten sick of the dorm life and is getting an apartment there. So it looks like the marriage is really over this time. And Dad's a fucking hero in my eyes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He sounds like quite a man, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Better than I gave him credit for. Anyway, I'm leaving now, Doc. I'm meeting Bessa for drinks this evening, and I'm going to go home and see what the ghost has destroyed first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds delightful. Take care, and I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Shit, I forgot my journal. I'm sorry, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll live without it for a week. But remember it next time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure thing. Bye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 13th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, June 19, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nThat...is an interesting hat." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. I felt a need to escape reality. So I look like Dr. Seuss on an acid trip today. How is life for the young shrink about town?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yeah. Right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's wrong? Not getting out much?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I...hey, wait. This is your therapy session, not mine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't mind, if you want to talk..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, that's okay. Not very professional, and besides I'm here to help you, not the other way around." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Details, details, petty little details...okay, okay, you can stop giving me that horrid Herr-Doktor frown. I'll behave." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, it's not an issue of you behaving...you're getting me off track again. Stop that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, you did it yourself that time, so don't blame me. But anyway, on to my rather mundane week. I am seriously beginning to believe that these kids in Carmichael's summer class have left their brains at the beach. I graded thirty essays on Saturday afternoon, all of them on the subject of King Lear, and could not find a coherent thought aside from the stuff that they print in Cliff's Notes in any of them. I was so disappointed. Last semester there were some really brilliant kids in his class, and these kids in the summer session are all just in it because they have to take a lit class since the college of arts and sciences says they must be cultured. Blah. It's annoying." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, there will be good semesters and bad." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know. Still. This stuff set me absolutely on fire when I was first reading it, and I guess I'm having a hard time seeing past that. Of course, I started reading Shakespeare when I was younger." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know, I remember you saying that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah, well. Patience is not one of my virtues, but I'll have to cope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How's your brother?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds good. What is he planning on doing afterwards?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he'll still do some work with finance. He's discussed consulting on a part-time basis, freelance. But he wants to travel and relax. He's looking at sailboats. I think he just really wants a vacation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "As hard as you've said he works, that is entirely reasonable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And in my opinion, long overdue. But anyway, back to the Jonny situation. Dad decided to put on an apron and have a meet the kids' boyfriends night. He grilled steaks, and Malcolm came over. Jonny brought Greg, too, so it was a pretty big event that, thank god, did not turn into a disaster." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your father met Malcolm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "And, get this, he was, in Herald the Horrible's own words, \"Very impressed with the young man. He's got a good job, with plenty of room for advancement, and a promising future.\" Dad also thought that Mal was intelligent and responsible. Of course, he doesn't know about the catastrophe a month or two past. Greg and Dad hit it off really well, too. Greg's majoring in business, so they had lots to talk about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like you had a lovely evening." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perfect. Dad and I have gotten along really well lately. It makes me wish that it had always been this easy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've gotten the impression from our earlier conversations that you and he had some definite conflicts." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Dad and I had some different views, all right. I think I became a liberal just to make him angry. I was rebellious intellectually rather than going out and getting drunk, high, whatever. But he's mellowed, and so have I." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I think that's true. You've mellowed even from the time that I first met you. You look and act...I don't know..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Grown up? Well, when I'm not wearing this silly hat, that is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Even with the hat. You must have been quite an interesting teenager." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hell on wheels. I'll bet you were the quiet one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "More often than not. So, how's your resident ghost?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're mocking me, aren't you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No. Well, teasing you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I gave it a name." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You named the ghost?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. Well, if it turns out that my fears and neurotic imaginings are unfounded, I'll have named the house. Its name is Bill." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill the ghost." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, Bill the Ghost. Capital G, please. Stop that laughing!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Well, what made you settle on Bill as a name for your resident ghost?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good all-purpose name. Bill. Bill the Ghost. I just like the way it sounds for some reason. Anyway, do you want to hear about my adventure over at the Irish pub in Berkeley this weekend?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Adventures in Irish pubs are usually amusing. Go ahead." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This was, too. I'm down there sitting at the bar next to, of all people, Anders, who was in full regalia. That guy has a really perverse sense of humor. I have my nose happily in my second pint of Guinness, Anders is doing shots of whiskey, his husband Phil is sitting next to us quietly sipping a mineral water. I feel this tap-tap-tap on my shoulder, and who should be standing there but Andrew Fraiser, the foxy AP History teacher at my new workplace." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he and I are chatting, he buys my third pint...I was feeling no pain, which is not unusual if you know anything about Guinness. Anders is making enthusiastic obscene gestures whenever Andrew isn't looking--odd, considering that he was one of the main orchestraters of my reconciliation with Mal. Anders must have been really plowed. Well, this band starts playing these Celtic folk melodies, kind of like the stuff my great-grandpa used to play on his fiddle before his arthritis got too bad. Just a moment before, Andrew and I had been discussing Riverdance, the video with the Irish dancing and music, and we just give each other this really impish grin, and next thing I know we're off in the middle of this crowd of loud happy dancing people. And we are being loud happy dancing people right along with them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You had a good time, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was great! Andrew is a really, really interesting person. We went to a twenty-four hour cafe afterwards and sat until the sun came up, chatting about everything. I told Andrew the whole story about Malcolm, and he listened and nodded almost as well as you do, Doctor. Anders and Phillip went home early because Anders was on the verge of passing out. Imagine an amazingly tall, African-American drag queen weaving out the door and yelling, \"Erin go Bragh, darlings!\" at the top of his lungs. He was funny, though. Whiskey isn't quite refined enough for him usually, but there was no champagne to be had. Then before he left, he got up and sang with the band. They played the clich�� drag song, \"I Will Survive,\" with a Celtic beat to it. I have never seen anything so funny! Andrew and I were holding on to the bar to keep from falling down, we were laughing so hard. I love Anders. A more honest, frank, funny person I could not imagine. It gives one a hell of a lot of respect for him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes indeed. And Andrew?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Andrew? Oh, nothing, really. We talked for a long time and that's about it. I have a boyfriend, remember? As foxy as I think the guy is, it's not going to go any further. Besides, he's a co-worker, and I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Probably a good policy. Well, Chris, it seems we're about out of time for the day. Did you remember your journal this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ta-dah! All in a shiny new notebook, all for you. And I have a few pictures but I can't let you keep them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that Lancelot? My, he's gotten..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "...huge. I know. I think his mother was a bobcat or something. You need a cat, Doctor. Cats are a good thing. Oh, look at this one. That's the house I'm living in now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who is the blonde woman standing next to you? Monica?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, that's my friend Bessa. Pretty, isn't she?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, very. This must be Jonny and your father." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, that's them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You and your brother both look a lot like your father." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, I know. They stamped us out of cookie cutters. Well, I'll leave you in peace now. See you next week, Doc! Take care!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You too, Chris. Try to stay as happy as you seem today. You look better than you have in awhile." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See? Escaping reality is good every once in awhile. Even if you're grown up." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 14th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, June 26, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHow are you doing, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right, I suppose. A little confused, a little frustrated, but other than that life is pretty well laid back right now. Again I've hit a lull in the crisis schedule. I have nothing to do, no people to manage. I'm a little down, to tell you the truth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why, because your life is relatively calm just now? Your much happier in a crisis than when it's calm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Call it the family curse. I'm only happy when it rains, and all that. You ever listen to Garbage?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not really my style of music, but I think I know the song you're talking about." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, that about sums it all up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not that bad." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. I'm cute, and that makes it all better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very funny. So what's on your mind today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm kind of floating. Debating the merits of taking a trip somewhere." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yeah? Where did you want to go?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Maybe Ireland, Scotland, British Isles kind of thing. Run through the moors screaming \"Heathcliff!!!!\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Interesting mental image." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you'd like it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do you pick the United Kingdom?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I mean, what is it that is drawing you to that part of the world?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because I have a sexual fetish for the accents. Don't look at me like that, I'm only kidding. I think I'd like to go there because you see all these pictures of green countryside, and big wide fields, rocky cliffs, ruins of ancient castles, sheep..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sheep?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just generally pastoral and peaceful. If I have to breathe smog much longer, I'm going to choke." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I still don't see what sheep have to do with it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Forget the sheep, okay? The point is I need a vacation!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But why would you want to spend it with sheep?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, you are a funny man, aren't you? Ever think of going down to open mike night at the Punchline? The sheep are only there to look at, Doc. Don't sweat the sheep." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There, see? I gave you something to get keyed up about. Do you feel better?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess I do. You know me too well, Doc. One day I will find a way to even the score, just you wait." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Whether or not you're my shrink, you're going to get smacked in a minute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like it? It's my newest form of therapy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Based on the Smartass Principle, no doubt. Anyway, all kidding aside, I really think that I am going stir crazy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is it just restlessness?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd be more inclined to call it a general feeling of disgust. I can scarcely stand to look at anyone right now. Jonny, Dad, Malcolm, even Bessa are beginning to wear on my nerves. It's weird, like I feel trapped in a room that's too warm all the time. Stifling. I almost wish I was moving to a new city with a new job, because then I would at least have the feeling that there's something new and exciting going on. I just feel lethargic, like I can't be bothered to put the energy into anything. If I went to England, I could stay with Mom. She'd love it--it would give her a chance to play the doting parent for a week or two. I would have to put up with Thaddeus the twink, but other than that, it might be fun. I heard that they restored the Globe Theatre and are putting on Shakespeare productions in it. Talk about a thrill! I'd get to worship at the altar of the literary god himself and see things as they were meant to be seen. Plus, with Mom and Thaddeus Twinkie-Butt both working in the theatre, I could probably get tickets easy and cheap. Well, relatively speaking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It seems to me a plan is forming." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It might just be at that. Oh, hey look! See?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that a real tattoo?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup it is. Very real. And I don't mind telling you that it hurt like a bitch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll bet. You didn't have that last Thursday, did you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope. I actually only got it yesterday. You think it's trashy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not too terrible. If you had gotten a Harley-Davidson logo or something with the word \"Mother\" on it, I might find that a bit tacky. The Celtic knotwork is actually pretty classy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I thought so too. I figured if I was going to do it, I might as well get something that wouldn't embarrass me too much in thirty years." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In thirty years everyone your age right now is going to have tattoos and holes in strange places anyway, so it doesn't matter too much." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My age, my ass. I can't be too much younger than you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd say more than ten years, easily. I'd have to read your file again to know exactly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm twenty-three, if that helps." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, more than ten years. Definitely more." }, { "from": "human", "value": "How much more?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm thirty-seven. Anyway, tell me about this. I'm intrigued." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Well, I was out doing some errands, nothing terribly unusual. I'm standing in the checkout line at the grocery store and I start talking to this guy. Looks like your stereotypical tattoo artist. Long ponytail, bandanna, all the ink up and down his arms, but my age, maybe a little older. I start asking him questions, you know how curious I can be. He gave me his card as he was leaving, said if I was interested to stop by and he'd show me his portfolio. I was thinking, \"Yeah, right, it's the tattoo artist's version of etchings.\" But then I got one of my wild impulse things going on, and I decided that I would make Jonny and Greg come with me to the place. In we go, and I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of being grimy and dirty and stuff, it looked like a goddamned dentist's office. Very clean, the autoclave chugging away merrily in the corner, all that good stuff. I found out that Greg has a tattoo as well, and he was telling me about where it hurts the most on the body, stuff like that. So out comes Lance, that's the guy's name. I thought it was a good omen. He starts showing me his artwork, and some of it was really unbelievable. Before I knew it, I had picked out the what and the where I wanted it, and was in the chair. Greg watched him like a hawk, making sure the needles were new and everything was sanitary and clean. Jonny just held my hand and looked a trifle green. It didn't hurt too badly. I was actually really pleased with how it came out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is nicer than most I've seen." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Cool, I'll take you down there and we'll get you a big one that says Born to Psychoanalyze, or something like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I'll pass, thank you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The only real problem is that if I ever find a man fool enough to marry me, a backless wedding gown is out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why? Your future husband will probably know it's there already." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you think I want my grandmother to have a heart attack? She had a hard enough time with Malcolm's tattoos! And I don't even want to think about Mom's reaction. She doesn't care if I have one, so long as it's not seen in polite company." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In some cultures, it's considered a rite of passage." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well not in the culture of one mother named Lily Elisabeth Strauss Herald soon to be whatever Thaddeus' last name is, I always forget that. So I wear a non-backless wedding dress. Or get married in jeans on top of a volcano somewhere, which I always thought I would prefer anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Somehow I can see that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See, you appreciate the idea! I mentioned it to Malcolm and he kind of wrinkled his nose. Seems he wants the big gaudy circus with the Catholic priests and the whole nine yards. Ew, ew, ew." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did anyone ever tell you that you are constantly full of surprises?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel it is my sworn duty to keep the rest of the world on it's toes. But I'll bet your patient schedule would be damned boring without me around, wouldn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't know about boring, but a good bit of the laughter would be gone, that much is certain." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll accept that as a yes. Hey, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you have any idea where Eliza has been? I haven't been able to get ahold of her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Um..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Breathe, Doc. Remember to breathe. That's a good Herr Doktor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you didn't know that I treated her." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I knew. I just didn't think anything of it. It's not like a personal affront that you didn't tell me or anything, because I know you really couldn't. But I'm getting worried about the chick, and I can't really get anything out of her stepfather on the phone. So I was hoping you'd have some idea." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, you must know that I can't say anything, really." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. I didn't even really want to mention it because I didn't want to give you a complex or anything. But I'm that worried about her. It's not like her to go for so long without calling." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand, Chris, and your concern is touching. I can say that she hasn't been injured or something--you don't need to worry about her having been hit by a car or something. Here's an idea. Why don't you send a card or something nice to her in care of her parents? They'll get it to her, I'm sure." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good idea. Now that I have the advice, forget I said anything. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again, by unspoken agreement. I know it must put you in a tough position." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's all right. You were motivated by genuine concern, so I really can't be angry at you. Not that I would be anyway. But...you know what I mean." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I know. But still, you're a nice guy and everything. I don't want to see you get in ethics trouble." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't think it will come to that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, we spent so much time trading smartass comments at the beginning that the time just flew. Speaking of which, I was sort of wondering..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you ever think that I'm wasting your time? I mean honestly, I'm sure you have patients with bigger, more worrisome problems than me. And here I walk in, flipping off at the mouth telling you the trivial little details of my life..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Stop. I do not think you're wasting my time, Chris, and more importantly, I don't think I'm wasting yours. I think our sessions are helping you. I don't think you've mentioned a panic attack in a long while. I think that our sessions are helping you to understand yourself and your priorities better than you could by self reflection. And that's a pretty good reason to continue therapy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, but..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No buts. I am not going to let you walk out of this office until you promise that you'll walk back in next week. All right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, okay. Since you insist. I'll come back and regale you with more silly stories any old time you like." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Same bat time, same bat channel." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You've got it, Doc. See you next time." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 15th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, July 10, 1997 at 12:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Chris! Feeling better?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, thanks. Damn, that's the happiest anyone's been to see me all week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How's the tattoo healing up? What do you mean, the happiest anyone's been to see you all week? What's wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm a bit of a pariah it seems now. Untouchable. Low man on the totem pole. I don't particularly like feeling that way. And after at least a month without a panic attack, I've had two whoppers in the last three days. I'll be glad to start work and have something to bury myself in. I still write, but art is imitating life and it's become less of a catharsis and more like the letters on the screen turning into little imps that mock me constantly, going ha-ha you're one stupid bitch! I guess I just did some really stupid things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, dear. What happened now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Settle in, Doc. It's a long story." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, I'm settled." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right. I told you I think that Drew Fraiser and I were part of the same Medieval Rec club back when I was in high school, right? Well, I didn't tell you quite everything there, I'm afraid. I left out one of the more important details. He and I had something of a thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah. Define \"a thing\" if you don't mind." }, { "from": "human", "value": "A thing. You know. A flirtation, an understanding, an attraction...just a thing. Well, that was one of the main problems when I ran into him at the high school. The attraction hasn't gone away. I didn't recognize him at first because he used to have really long curly brown hair, and he's since cut that off and grown a beard so I couldn't see his face too distinctly. The eyes should have been a clue, as well as the voice, but I didn't realize it at first. He was my first real emotional involvement, really. But I thought things were moving a bit too fast, and I told the girl who introduced us this. That's where the story gets weird." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nicole, that was her name. Supposedly one of my best friends at the time. She told me all the wrong things about how Drew reacted to the situation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She lied to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hole in one, Doc. She told me that he took the news that I wanted to slow down as an out and out rejection and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Which wasn't the case. Then she turned around and told him that I was just having fun, a summer fling and stuff like that, and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Which couldn't have been further from the truth if you had tied it to the mast of a ship bound for the Southern Cross. She lied to both Drew and I, and then she was conveniently there to pick up the pieces after I had shattered his heart. What the fuck ever. In a nutshell, she was jealous of the relationship that he and I were forging, and she broke it up in order to transfer his affections to her. It didn't work. She tried everything, threatening suicide, trying to make him jealous. She even got him to marry her by \"forgetting\" to take her birth control pills and ending up pregnant. They're in the midst of a very messy divorce, and their son Duncan is five now. But she could never inspire in him what I did. I know that sounds conceited, but it's not me who said it. It was Andrew. He came over to my house the other day without any notice, sat me down at my kitchen table and we had a long talk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And he told you all this." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. It's all a lot to absorb and it's pretty hard to swallow, I know. I don't know what to think about it all either, Doc. I'm so confused, and I feel completely trapped. I think this vacation will be good for me. God knows I need it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're going to visit the sheep after all." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. I'm spending a week in London with Mom and Thaddeus El Twinko." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And the sheep crack didn't even earn me a smile. This must be serious." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Serious indeed. It's enough to make a girl want to sick up her lunch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hopefully we can quell some of that nausea. How do you feel about Andrew?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Drew is pretty amazing. He's brilliant, and utterly romantic. Some of the things he says to me can make my insides turn to absolute jelly. He can also push every one of my buttons as far as turning me on is concerned and he can get me so worked up that I don't even know or care what's going on around me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then you've slept with him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not exactly. A lot of kissing and cuddling and romantic little whispers. It took an act of supreme willpower not to sleep with him, believe you me. But I'm just not sure of what's going on. I can't shake the feeling that he's looking for another mother for his son--he's fighting for custody--or that he just doesn't want to be alone, or that he is trying to get back at Nicole for all the times she screwed around on him. He tells me that he never stopped loving me, that we'd still be together now if Nicole hadn't interfered. I also have this unreasonable feeling that, in a way, Nicole took more from me than Andrew, that her son should have been mine on some sort of a level. How's that for irrational?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, you've been very deeply hurt, and you're confused. It's all right for you to feel like you do, whether or not you think it's irrational." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, but..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But nothing. You know I'm right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, Doc. I do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you have some unresolved emotional issues here with Andrew. I can understand at least wanting some closure. What about Malcolm, though?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look at these." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Pretty. Are they real?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, most definitely. About a month or so ago we were walking through some shops, and he pulled me into a jewelry store, and I was eyeing them then. He said he wanted to give me a special present, and he wanted to see what I liked as far as jewelry went. He didn't buy them that day, but the other night was five months exactly since the night we met, and he gave these to me as a present. Any man who gives you emeralds is not one to be taken lightly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Having never been given emeralds by a man, I wouldn't know. But I think I understand the sentiment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Well, I was in my apartment with Andrew that afternoon, and things kind of got flaky." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you said..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I did say. That's not what I meant. I was at the house with Drew, and Anders stops by to return some lipstick he borrowed for his performance. The damned man never knocks!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anders walked in on the kissing and cuddling that you referred to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That seems kind of harsh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Malcolm is his friend too. He doesn't want to see either of us get hurt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're going to tell Malcolm what's going on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Yeah, I owe him that much. I trust Malcolm, Doctor. I know that he'd never screw around on me, that he'll always be there when I need him. I feel secure with him, like I can let my guard down and I don't have to constantly be wary of opening up. At this stage of my life, I feel like that's more important than a torrid, secret love affair chock-full of passionate whispers and romantic canoodling. Damn, though, I wish I could find both in the same man. Now that Malcolm is himself rather than the Malcontent, he's still a great lover, but apparently the real Malcolm is a lot drier, a lot more practical and stationary. He doesn't tell me that I'm beautiful or that I have always held his heart in my hands and how vulnerable that he feels around me. But he is loyal, will cuddle me through a panic attack and not ask me why, rub my stomach when I have cramps, and scratch under the straps of my bra right where it itches. At this point I can't give up that kind of security, because it restored my faith in relationships. Malcolm proved to me that I won't get burned every time I open my heart to someone. Maybe one of these days Andrew will be in a position to offer that same sort of trust, but he just isn't right now. It's not worth it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds as though you've made a descision here, Chris. And if you want my honest opinion, it's a good one." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, Doctor. That makes me feel better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, now as far as the panic attacks are concerned, I'm sure you know the drill. Keep up with the journal, lay off the caffeine...stop rolling your eyes, young lady. Try to relax, and for what it's worth I think this vacation will really help you out. And get some sleep. You look exhausted." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks. I will. Listen, I know there are about five minutes left on the clock, but if it's all right with you..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure, Chris. So you're going to miss next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Unless you'd like to fly to London and conduct my session there, yeah. I should be back for it the week after." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right then. Have fun, and take care of yourself..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah, sorry. I know that was probably bending the rules, but I guess I wasn't thinking. I kiss all my friends goodbye. Hey, at least I wasn't wearing lipstick. Damn, Doc, your ears can turn red. Relax, I'm not proposing or anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was just unexpected. I...what are you snickering at?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You. You're overreacting, and you're the color of a pomegranate. I kiss all my friends on the cheek, Doc. If you don't believe me, ask Eliza. It's just a habit of mine, my way of saying goodbye. Later, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have a good vacation, Christina." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 16th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, September 4, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHey, Herr Doktor! Miss me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well hello, stranger. You look different." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See? I am capable of dressing and acting like an adult on occasion. It's not a part I relish playing, but I play it well. I suppose it's required of me, after all...the teacher, you know. Someone in the classroom has to have a grip on maturity, however tenuous." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would hope so. How's the teaching working out?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, it's turning out great. Better than I expected. It seems as though these kids might, fates forfend, actually be interested in what I'm teaching. Some of them are really good writers. No one, myself included, really enjoys teaching the rules of grammar, but I refuse to make them diagram sentences. So it's not turning out so bad. It's required by the curriculum, so I spent a few days on it. Then I said, \"Now, an easier way to do this that makes a lot more sense...\" and proceeded to explain it my way. The quiz results were positive enough. We'll see how the section test turns out, but I have pretty high hopes and it's only about three weeks into the semester." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear it. And you seem really excited about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I like my students. It was kind of a relief to get there and actually enjoy it. I was almost afraid that I'd get into my own classroom with a group of students for whom I was totally responsible for an entire year and realize that I had spent the last four and a half years of my life training for a profession that I hated. But, thankfully, that was not the case." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem happy with your job. But is something else wrong? You're behaving rather..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Differently? I suppose so. You see, a lot has changed in the time since I spoke to you last." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Such as?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we? I suppose you would like to hear about my vacation to England." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I would. How were the sheep?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The sheep were fine, Doctor. They send their regards." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, how nice of them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you might like that. England was a revelation. I don't think I can recall feeling so at peace and so on edge all in a single moment. I was walking in places and seeing things that some of the most important historical figures in history had walked in and had seen. I traveled through Ireland and Scotland, too--just for a couple of days, though. Most of my time was spent in London at my mother's flat. I spent a week chasing dreams I'd had since I was a child--dreams of mythic heroes with whom I always wished I could have traveled. I forgot everything back here and lived in a fantasy world where magic was real, if only for a week. Then I came back and prepared to put it all aside, at least on the surface. Underneath it all, I'm the same silly girl I always was--she just went underground." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Put it all aside? Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doc, I'm twenty-three years old...a college graduate. I'm starting my first job in my chosen field and I'm doing well. I'm a grown up now, like it or not, and I have to act it, if only for the sake of society. No more ghosts in the hallway for me. It's sad the way our society kills the dreams we have or, failing that, kills the dreamer with drugs or despair. But that's the world we live in, and one person can't change the world. All my life, I believed that just one person could and that I was the person to do it. And I tried, Doc, you don't know how hard I tried!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, I don't think I understand. You intend to put aside all of what you consider your childhood in one week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I already told you, I'm not putting it aside. I'm just hiding it from prying eyes. No one but me and my computer need know about it. Well, maybe you too. Sometimes. When you don't look at me funny like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm serious." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doc. You want serious? Look at this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's a pretty ring." }, { "from": "human", "value": "A pretty engagement ring. I wouldn't take it at first, you know. I told him that I didn't want to break up, but I couldn't make that kind of a commitment just yet. I had too much I wanted to do. We had a huge fight, and he accused me of living in a dream world. He said that I was frivolous and narcissistic, that I should get my high and mighty ass down out of the clouds and see the world that was passing me by in a cloud of smog and sweat. He was right, in his own little Malcolm-way. I try too hard to change things and people--Jonny, Dad, even Malcolm himself--rework them over in the image of what I consider perfection. But life isn't something that can be cleaned up and made presentable all that easily. Especially not by some bossy little snot who thinks just because her nickname is Queen of the World that she can rule everyone's lives by royal decree." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did Malcolm say that to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, Doctor. I said that to myself. I'm my own worst critic, it would seem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. So when are you going to marry Malcolm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "In December." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? Is this what you want, Christina?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What makes you ask that, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That look on your face. You look less like someone who's planning to marry the person that she wants to be with for the rest of her life and more like someone who's just been told the date of their execution." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is psychic ability a prerequisite for being a shrink?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've asked me that before, I think. No. No psychic ability needed. I know you, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right, so you don't need psychic ability. Am I that transparent?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been told so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you don't want to marry him, then why did you accept the ring?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I do and I don't. I like the idea of security. With Malcolm tethering me to reality, I'll be far less likely to go flying off chasing rainbows and being generally goofy...well, maybe not too much less." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I like you the way you are." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're my shrink. You only have to deal with me for one hour out of the week. You can afford to like me when I'm goofy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, don't you see what I'm saying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, not really, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. If you're going to get married, do it for the right reasons. Do it because you love the person, not to anchor yourself to routine and normalcy which you're mistaking for reality." }, { "from": "human", "value": "More than anything else in this world, reality is subjective, Doc. And when someone's version of reality doesn't quite fit with everyone else's--with anyone else's--those are the people that we notice. Our poets, musicians, and madmen all have their own slant on reality. Besides, I do love Malcolm. I don't know that I would call it a grand mad passion, but I love him. I'm not a coward, Doctor. I could be great at anything I want to do, anything at all. I could be a great teacher or an even greater writer. I could even do both. Hell, maybe I will do both, who knows? But I can't go on the way that I am." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't understand. What is so wrong with the way that you are? You've come back to my office a stranger, Chris. If you feel you need to make a lifestyle change, then make it. But don't do something that makes you so obviously unhappy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're saying that I'm making a mistake." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's considered bad form for a psychiatrist to say something like that, but quite honestly, yes. I think you are. You used to be happy and energetic, full of life. You can hardly look me in the face today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just tired..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No. You're not just tired." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not just tired, okay? Tired, confused, sad, bewildered, trapped. Trapped, trapped, trapped. More than anything else, that's how I feel right now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Keep talking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right, right. It's all pretty strange, really. I started to feel like no one needed me anymore is what it all boils down to. Can you imagine what you would feel like, Doc, if one day it seemed like all your patients were suddenly able to function without your help? You'd be happy for them, sure, but wouldn't you feel kind of alone, kind of useless, too?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So that's what this is all about..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I was gone for just a while and everyone seems to have worked things out. Carmichael's content; he's got a new crop of freshmen to terrorize. He's already poking around, asking the Comp 101 professors about who shows promise in his new batch. Jonny doesn't need me to protect him anymore. He turned eighteen last month. He and Greg seem more in love every day, and Dad is all sort of cool with it. Speaking of Dad, he's squared away, too. He's retiring early, around Thanksgiving probably. His successor is already picked by his own hand, and he has complete confidence in her abilities. He's proposed to Sarah, and she's considering it. He and Joanne are legally separated, and the divorce should be final rather quickly. Bessa is getting her thesis published. She has a new man, and she's probably going to be moving to Chicago. Anders is bustling with activity and completely thrilled with his new gig as an emcee for the fastest growing drag cabaret in the city. The only one who seems to still need me around is Malcolm. I haven't heard from Andrew for awhile. I suppose I'll have to deal with that as the school year progresses. But everything's resolved. All the major conflicts have gone away. Closed book, end of story. What do I do now?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now, now, slow down. You're an active person, and a natural leader. You're also very protective and nurturing to those around you who need your help. And you're about to embark on a whole new challenge, Chris. You'll be a wonderful teacher and, I'm willing to bet, a good writer, too. You have a lot of room in your life right now, and I think you're looking for something to fill it. But this is not the answer." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I never did deal well with empty spaces. And it seems like that's all I have--one big empty space. I tried to explain that to Malcolm when he handed me the ring. He told me to wear the ring for a week and, every time I look at it, to think how much more empty space there would be without him there. Because if I refused his proposal now, there wouldn't be another one. He got a job offer back in New York that he's going to take. He told them that he'd start in January, but he can start anytime. He wants me to move with him. We'd have the wedding here, then move after the honeymoon--there goes my job here. If I give him the ring back, he's going to leave without me. End of that story, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, isn't that cute? Why doesn't he just hit me over the head with a club and drag me off by my hair, I wonder. He even wanted me to quit smoking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So when is the week up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sunday. Pbbbbbt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound better already." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doc. One raspberry and I'm cured. This could start a whole new trend--the Rocky and Bullwinkle school of psychiatric treatment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good, mind if I use it sometime? So what will you do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not sure yet. At the very least, I'll reexamine my reasons for slipping my neck into the noose, so to speak. But as I sat here just now and heard the senseless drivel pouring out of my mouth, I realized just how bloody stupid it all sounded. My self-esteem hit the floor when I realized that no one really depended on me anymore. Malcolm insisted that he was the only one that needed me now, and how could I just throw that all away? Blah, blah, blah. But marrying him would be wrong if I didn't do it for my own reasons. And if I listened to that shit, I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. There's no real way I can go through with this and continue to look myself in the eye in the mirror--let alone my shrink across the desk--without thinking it through. Capisce?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Absolutely. Now, we are just about out of time. A few minutes over, actually." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, sir!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very funny. Stop saluting me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You'd miss me if I was gone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought we established that earlier." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Self-esteem problems--I have to hear it constantly. Remember? I must be indispensable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh huh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, you're good for the proverbial kick in the ass when I go on one of my insecure tangents. That's not all you're good for, but one of the things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good, glad to hear that I'm user-friendly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I am not even going to touch that comment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Chris. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, sir. Bye bye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought I told you to stop that..." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 17th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, September 11, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nGood evening, Doctor! A new tie, is it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Actually I got it while you were away on vacation. But you always notice." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That one is kind of hard not to notice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Touch��. So how are you this fine September evening?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I'm great. You?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well enough, but apparently not as good as you. You certainly look chipper. I haven't seen you this happy in a while. What's the news?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sarah and my father are getting married in January, after his divorce from Joanne is final." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good news." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I lose a fianc�� and Dad gains one. Kind of weird, huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You gave Malcolm back the ring?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Slowly, slowly. One thing at a time, Doc! It's been a crazy but great week and there's a lot to tell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, all right. But after last week, you can't expect me not to be concerned with the Malcolm situation." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah, so now he's a situation again? But everything in order, Doc. Be patient." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Tell me what happened with your father." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, remember I told you not long ago that Dad had proposed to Sarah and she was considering it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I remember." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Well, Dad came by the school to see me during my planning period on Monday afternoon. He brought me lunch from this little diner called Gracie's--a place we used to go to almost every Saturday afternoon when I was like six or seven years old. It was our mutual guilty pleasure as Joanne was on another of her health food kicks at the time. Cheeseburgers as big as my head, chocolate malts, and onion rings. I didn't even know that the place was still open until he walked into my classroom with the bag and a big Styrofoam cup, grinning like a fool. I have to admit, I was thrilled. Teacher or no, school lunch is school lunch. It also made me remember how dad and I used to have our special time together on Saturdays--just him and me running around doing errands in jeans and sweatshirts away from Joanne. We always got-on really well when I was a kid--before I grew up and got an attitude, and he got strict with me and tried to keep me from doing anything crazy. So I'm sitting there eating, and Dad's making small talk. But he's still got that goofy-ass smile on his face. So naturally, I asked him what the hell was going on. He said he had to get back to the office, but to come over to the house for dinner on Wednesday night and, as he put it, all would be made known." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Cryptic." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, wasn't it though? Not at all like Mister Herald the Horrible." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I showed up on Wednesday at around six-thirty. Jonny was already there, and from the sounds of things, he is totally convinced that the amount of homework they give in college classes will kill him before the end of the semester. I got a certain demented glee out of that remembering how I felt when I was a freshman. Now someone else is suffering, and I'd graduated. Jonny told me to get stuffed when I laughed at him--made me proud. A year ago, he wouldn't have said that even to me--too timid. Anyway, for once Greg wasn't with him, which lead me to believe that this was going to be some important family pow-wow. Then Gavin came stomping through the door, muttering angry gibberish about having to drive from Santa Cruz and that this had better be important. I was beginning to get really suspicious, and I wondered whether Dad was about to introduce us to yet another unknown sibling. But then he called us all into the dining room. Sarah was there with him. We all sat down to dinner, and the next thing I knew, Dad came back from the kitchen with a bottle of champagne, and told us all that he and Sarah were tying the knot on the second Saturday in 1998." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what was the general response?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Stupefication, at first. That this could be the reason for our assembly simply hadn't occurred to me. Then, slowly, everyone started to unthaw from the shock, and the squealing, hugging, shouting, and giggling began. It was really cool. Like everything was finally the way it was supposed to be in the first place. I don't necessarily regret Dad marrying Joanne simply because I love my kid brother, and he has nothing of his mother's poisonous personality. But it still felt like everything was all lined-up. Even Jonny was thrilled--he always liked Sarah. And Joanne still won't speak to him since she found out he's gay. Bitch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you going to be part of the wedding?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. I'm going to be Sarah's attendant. Dad's having his brother for best man. And Gavin and Jonny are going to be ushers. But you know what the coolest part is? Dad's best friend from college is a judge and he's going to perform the ceremony. I haven't seen Uncle Joel, as I called him, since I was ten. His kids used to be my best friends. Tim and Tara are twins about a year older than me. They're going to come out for the wedding, too. I don't think I've seen them for at least nine years. When Uncle Joel got divorced, they went to live with their mother in Massachusetts." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is all really good news." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, it's going to be great." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm happy for your father. From what you've told me, it sounds as though he really loves Sarah." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. \"He's finally marrying the right one,\" my mother said. Grandma Strauss doesn't know what to think of my father now, though. He divorced one of her daughters, but now he's marrying the other one. She's confused. But she's coming anyway. And she's going to be staying with me again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds like fun. So let's talk about Malcolm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, set your mind at ease. Look here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No ring." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No ring." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You should get a cat, Doc. Cats are good company." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've thought about it. I might one of these days. So what will Malcolm do now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's shipping out to New York--going back to the East Coast where he says things make more sense." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wondered what your take on that would be. Anyway, we managed to part on cordial terms. He said that he realized, once he calmed down, that we could never have made each other happy in the long term. He blamed himself for a lot of it--what with the way we got started and all. The whole thing was hard, I guess, but not as hard as I thought it would be." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're all right with this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not to worry, Doc. It would have happened anyway. We never would have made it to the altar." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you like the single life thus far?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, no complaints. It's actually kind of nice. No one to answer to but myself. The only hitch is that once you get used to sleeping with someone else there, being alone in the bed can be hard. Really hard. It sucks, actually. I haven't been sleeping too well the last couple of nights. But I wouldn't want to have just anyone there, you know what I'm saying? It still sucks, though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know exactly what you mean. Well, looks like that's it for tonight, Chris. See you next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course, of course. Take care, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You too." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 18th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christine Herald, Thursday, September 18, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHey, hey, hey." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hi, Chris. Come on in; I'll be with you in a moment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's that look for?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That monkey on your lamp shade. It's kind of unnerving. I think it's staring at me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have a seat, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It doesn't like me, I'm sure of it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So, it looks like you've been shopping." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I decided I needed to blow a bit of my paycheck on some new stuff. I also had a gift certificate that Bessa gave me to celebrate my newly single status, so I had to use it up. A gift certificate to Victoria's Secret." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How thoughtful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "God knows when I'll again have the occasion to use any of this stuff, but it can be fun to shop for. Oh, Victoria's Secret. Or Vicky's Knickers, as Bessa calls it. It was an interesting experience. I thought Anders was perverse; I'd never been underwear shopping with Bessa. You look like shit, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you ever so much." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're also in a snit." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm? I'm fine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, right. What gives?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's nothing wrong, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Hmm. Well, I'm tired, too. Between the two of us, we're really not going to get a lot accomplished this evening--no breaking down any new barriers of the subconscious tonight. The only barriers that might get broken are those of good taste, knowing my mouth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then this might be a good opportunity to review some of what you've accomplished since you started coming to my office. Let's see where you are with your panic disorder and..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That might be okay. I think I could handle that. I probably wouldn't have to think too much about it. Free flow of ideas. Dig it, man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're being silly. I'm serious." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you liked it when I was silly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you had any panic attacks recently?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Define recently. Within the last five minutes or within the last month?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's say within the last week or two." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, when I broke up with Malcolm, I had a panic attack then. That was last Tuesday. I ran into a discipline situation at school yesterday. That kind of set me on edge, and I had a mild freak out. Lucky thing, that it was just before my planning period. I couldn't have faced a classroom of tenth graders right after that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, a couple of boys got into something of a scuffle in front of my classroom door. I had to call for the security officer, but he was busy writing tickets to underclassmen trying to park in the seniors' lot and was slow in getting to the scene. I didn't know what to do. Both those kids were good size; I think one was on the wrestling team. And here was me--five foot three in my socks, and weighing about half as much as the smaller of the two young lads. I couldn't very well go wading in there and expect anything but to get laughed at best or broken in half at worst. So I chewed on my thumbnail and waited till Officer Bradley decided to hoist his caboose up the stairs to see what all the fuss was about. I felt useless, and I was worried about my students. Several of them knew the boys involved. I made damned sure that everyone stayed in the classroom until it was over, though. I had to fill out some paperwork and stuff because I was the one who called it in, and the principal said that he couldn't have done any better. But...still." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is your school considered dangerous?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. Compared to some of the others I've seen, it's a paradise--an island of serenity. At the school where I did my student teaching, the two kids fighting would have been doing it with switchblades or handguns or other equally charming things designed to open up big bleeding holes in the average person." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tough job." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, but I love it. Believe it or not, I honestly enjoy doing what I'm doing. I've been hooked ever since I presented my science project to the class in sixth grade. I felt like I was important because I got to stand up in front of the class and talk about something that I had just learned a lot about. And this fits in well with my artistic impulses. I can show the students how to communicate their ideas and emotions. And I can devote my entire summers to writing if I want to. For a few years, the writing will be competing with my graduate classes for attention. But the opportunity is there if I care to take it. It's a nice safety valve." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Aren't you taking evening classes this term?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was going to take several, but I scaled down to one. Not Carmichael's. He was crushed. So I'm only doing graduate school one night a week. I intend to have my M.A. within about three years, though. Four, tops." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Four Tops?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Leave Motown out of this. You know what I mean, you silly slaphappy Doctor, you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's not nice to abuse your psychiatrist." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, you're so abused. Poor creature. Anyhow, to get back on track, I had a pretty nice turnaround as far as my problem with the panic is concerned. They occur a lot less often and never without some sort of a reason. And I know now what the trigger is--I don't like feeling out of control. I don't know if I would go so far as to say that I'm a control freak, but I do like to know exactly what's going on at any given time and keep tabs on all that happens around me. And I don't like being forced. Usually, the harder you try to get me to do something, the more likely I am to say no--just out of sheer bullheadedness. Caffeine only makes the situation worse, so I try to stay away. Every once in awhile, I have to have coffee, but usually now I drink chai." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chai?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You should try it. It's really something. I think it tastes like gingerbread, kind of. It's a tea served with milk, either iced or hot. Either way, it's really good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll have to remember that. So you think that feeling out of control is what brings on your attacks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nothing else seems to set me off like that. Did I ever tell you about the dream I used to have when I was a kid?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't think so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "From the time I was about five until now, I have had this recurring dream. I dream that I'm in a car on a fairly busy road at night. The car is sedately navigating traffic, all seems well enough. I'm sitting in the backseat, and I realize that there's no one driving the goddamned car. So I spend the rest of the dream trying to fight my way up to the driver's seat to gain control of the vehicle. But the farthest that I can ever make it is to the front passenger side. Then I wake up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It certainly sounds as though you've always had some issues with control. You're a very independent-minded person, and I think you're very conscious about someone trying to infringe upon your freedom. The fact that you began having this dream at five is interesting. Was yours a very controlling household?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "With my father? Need you ask, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. I see your point." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, it wasn't as though he blew a whistle and I was supposed to snap to attention. But dinner was at a certain hour. My bedtime was strictly observed. And my time for homework was set aside as well. As I got older, things were a bit more relaxed, but not much. So I started to get a little crazy, I guess. But I've told you a bit about my adolescence before, I think." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A bit, yes. Do you think therapy has worked for you? Have you noticed any significant changes in your life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I no longer feel that I have to take on the whole world and all its troubles singlehandedly, if that's what you mean. I still try to mother-hen those in my circle of friends and family, of course. But I'm not the only one in the world that can solve any one given problem. That was egotism. Self-destructive, too. I'm considerably more relaxed and able to keep myself from jumping at every challenge that presents itself to me. And I'll probably still have some stomach lining left by the time I'm fifty." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds good, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, this is pretty amazing. Even tired, we manage to make progress in one form or another." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd call it a pretty successful hour." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Quite a team, eh? Oh, hey, by the way..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Jonny's boyfriend Greg has a cat named Clementine that had kittens last Friday. You said that you'd thought about getting one, so I thought I'd let you know. There are three of them--two are black and white, and one is an odd sort of peachy color that may or may not turn out to be orange." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Thanks for the news." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anyway, it will be about seven weeks before they're ready to go anywhere." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You haven't had any new Lancelot stories for me lately." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he's still huge. And he just keeps getting bigger. I think he must be part Maine Coon or, failing that, part bobcat. Right now, he's still disgruntled with me for not being home to entertain him during the day anymore." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. He'll get over it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't suppose you do cat psychotherapy, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Unfortunately not." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just thought I'd ask. Good night, Doc. And oh, by the way..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Catch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, no. It isn't." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It is. See you next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks for the sheep, Chris." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 19th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, October 2, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nWhat in the world..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Cookies, I think. But I might have screwed them up. You'll have the deciding vote--taste one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chef's hat? Nice. How did you get into your car wearing that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Talent. Take a bite." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What kind are they? They're a bit odd-looking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oatmeal with crushed hazelnuts and toffee pieces. They may look weird, but they're good, I think. I was bored after school and had about two hours to kill before coming here. It was an invention." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why test it out on me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because I knew you'd be too faultlessly polite to refuse." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Unjust." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You bring it on yourself by being so supportive and stuff. Eat." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They're good, actually. Very good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good. Here. Don't eat them all at once. Did you know that there was a Princess Di sighting already?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I hadn't heard that, actually." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Bessa was telling me about it. Apparently someone saw her last weekend. I knew this was going to happen. Just for the record, Elvis is dead, too. And the President does not have an extraterrestrial advisor. Where do these people come from? It's insulting that the average intelligence of the typical resident of the Western world appears to be sinking with each publication of a tabloid newspaper." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is rather disheartening." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What? No asking how I feel about that or what had happened that would lead me to that conclusion? No normal shrink-speak?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know you well enough by now to know when you're just making conversation and when you're leading up to something. You'll talk about whatever's bothering you when you're ready and not before." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I knew I liked you for a reason, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So, is there anything in particular on your mind this week, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That cough sounds horrible. Have you gone to the doctor yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I didn't think so. You should. It sounds like it could be bronchitis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think it was bronchitis. My fever got up pretty high last week--I was getting chills. I always thought it was weird that when your fever is the highest you get chills and the only way you can stay halfway comfortable is bundled up under a bunch of blankets, which only makes things worse. But I'm fine now. The cough is just a holdover, probably because I was smoking while I had all that chest congestion." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now, come on. You should know better than that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm an addict. Cigarettes are a harder habit to break than heroin, from what I've read." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, well..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Anyway, you were saying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. It's been a week of incidents. Small things. But when put together, they just kind of turn into a whole lot of strangeness. For one thing, I was in my classroom during my planning period, and one of my students came in to pick up something she had forgotten. I had my blazer off, and she saw the top part of my tattoo over the back of my shirt. Now, the entire tenth grade knows that the new English teacher is some sort of a punk. I can only hope that the principal doesn't get wind of this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Lots of professionals your age have tattoos now. It's not a big deal." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There you go with that whole \"at your age\" thing again. I'm twenty-three, Doc. And even though I don't always act it, I'm an adult. I talk to big people in big people talk on occasion, and everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know that you're an adult, Chris, believe me. I just meant that it seems to be a trend as of late. Never mind all that. What else happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry I got pissy, Doctor. I tend to be defensive about stuff like that, I suppose. I'm relatively short, and I act like a loony sometimes--I tend to worry about how seriously I'm taken." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. I do take you seriously, and I know you're an adult. Believe me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "More than I do most others in this world. Okay, what else? I had to take my cat to the vet, because the silly little shit was jumping for the counter and missed. His back was all tender, and he cried when you tried to touch him or anything. Of course I was in a panic. I thought my poor little Lance was about to die. But the vet said that he'd be okay--probably just some pulled muscles or something. I was standing there with my eyes all red and puffy, coughing like Camille and fretting over the little fur ball, and the vet asked me for my phone number. I kind of blinked and was like, \"Can't you get it from the records?\" He blushed really red and said that what he really meant was that he'd like permission to call me on a more personal level. I was surprised. I did not look my best, nor was I feeling particularly charming or pleasant at that moment. So I was all intrigued and about to say yes, when I catch this little gleam out of the corner of my eye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A needle?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A wedding ring. I was hit on by a married man! Oh, he tried to stick his hand in his pocket before I noticed and stuff, but still. It's insulting, kind of. Is this what I've been reduced to?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I wouldn't worry. You're coming off a fairly long-term relationship that had deep emotional issues with which you had to cope. Maybe you should just take it slow for awhile." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, maybe so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I had an interesting conversation with grandma the other day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your Grandmother Strauss?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. She says that she has a bunch of stuff that she wants to give me that belonged to her younger sister, my great-aunt Helen. Great-aunt Helen died a long time ago--like back in the forties. She was only about twenty years old, certainly no older than twenty-five. Grandma can be a little hard to follow at times because she mixes her languages all up and the only two of them I can understand are English and some German. As near as I could tell, she thinks that my personality is similar to her sister's and that I would like the things that she kept of hers. So she's going to mail them to me this week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That ought to be interesting." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I can hardly wait to see what's in that package. Grandma implied a lot, but said nothing specifically. I called Sarah and asked her about it, but she couldn't tell me what was in the trunk. And mom didn't even know it existed. Incidentally, mom and Thaddeus postponed the actual wedding yet again. They may not get married at all--they seem perfectly content living in sin, as my mother gleefully puts it. She isn't sure whether or not she wants to come out for dad's and Sarah's wedding. Ms. Lily Alicia Strauss Herald Strauss, with her silly flighty head for once firmly on her shoulders, said that she wondered if her appearance at the marriage of her ex-husband and the father of her child to her older sister would be in poor taste." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's mom. I always thought that she should have been named Daisy instead of Lily." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like in \"The Great Gatsby.\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly! Fitzgerald is something of an American legend. Didn't you just love that book?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I did. Well, we're about out of time, Chris. Thank you for the cookies. My compliments to the chef." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No problem. Have a good week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You too. I hope Lancelot feels better." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 20th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, October 9, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, no..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can see you're about to lose it, but before you do, let me explain. No, I'm not going to hand this animal--this kitten--to you and say \"Happy Trails!\" For one thing, she's too young for that. It'll be at least another three weeks before she's ready to go to a new home. The reason that she is with me today is because, for some ungodly reason, Greg's cat Clementine turned out to be a rather lousy mother and refused to nurse her kittens anymore. So Greg, Jonny, Bessa, and I have each taken a kitten and keep it with us so it can be fed at certain times of the day. Lest you think that I am entertaining this winsome little fluffball in my classroom, I will tell you that during the day Anders plays mama-cat to all four kittens, but in the evening, he demands a break. Besides, he works at night and the rest of us are in one sort of school or another all day long. Little Clio is my responsibility in the evenings until she is weaned. You can start breathing again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't know just how much that terrified me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doc, you turned absolutely white. If that's not terror, then what is? But I thought you liked cats; you seemed fine with Lancelot." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I do like cats. Honestly. Stop looking at me like I grew horns and a tail. I was just not quite prepared for one to become an instant fixture in my life this evening." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. She just ate, though, so she shouldn't be a bother. After this, I think I can promise no more household pets in your office. I know it's probably not very good manners, or against regulations, or something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that purring?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, she has a motor on her like a '48 Triumph. Hard to believe that something so tiny can rumble like that, isn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She is cute..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you want to hold her?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I don't know..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, come on. You do, I can tell by that look. Here. Be careful with her. She's only about three and a half weeks old. She should start weaning pretty soon though, I think." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did you call her? Cleo?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not as in Cleopatra. As in Clio, the muse of...of...damn. The muse of something. It's either history or epic poetry. From Greek mythology." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um, Doc...?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Aren't you forgetting something?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What? What am I forgetting?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The part where you pick my brains about how my week's been." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh! Oh, dear. Sorry. Here..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, you can keep holding her if you want to. She seems more than content. You hold her and I'll talk. Capisce?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, tell me about your week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I am on the horns of a dilemma concerning a student of mine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. What's going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, let me just preface this by saying that teachers are bound by certain confidentiality rules regarding their students, kind of like doctors are regarding their patients." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I respect that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, since I can't in good conscience mention names, I am going to call the particular student I am concerned with Jane. Works for you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I wouldn't know the students anyway, but Jane works for me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right. Jane is in my second hour class, and she's an extremely bright girl. She's one of the stars of the forensics team, active in several organizations on campus, well-liked and well-adjusted. I've become quite fond of her since the school year's started. She wants to be a teacher and has kind of adopted me as her big sister mentor sort of figure. She asks a lot of questions about why I chose what I did as a career, and so on and so forth. The kind of student any teacher would love to have, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would say so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right. Well, in structuring my classroom philosophies, I made it clear to the students that should they need someone to talk to about any number of things, I was available. It's something that a lot of teachers do. Sometimes it's easier for a student to go to a teacher whom they see every day than to some guidance counselor sitting in an office who they see maybe twice in a semester. So yesterday, Jane comes to me after school's over and asks to talk. We sit down, and she just bursts into tears." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh oh..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh oh is right. Jane has been dating this guy who's a year ahead of her in school since the beginning of the summer. I don't know too much about him; I teach tenth grade and he was already passed that when I signed on. But I do know that he's a bright kid as well, active in the art and theater departments, generally touted as being brilliant. Jane starts telling me about how their relationship has been on the rocks, and how he just doesn't seem to care or have any time for her anymore. I figured that this was turning into one of those angsty moments that everyone has once in a while; lord knows I've had enough of them. But then she tells me that she thinks she's pregnant." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is your dilemma here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I want to sit down with Jane and seriously go over her options with her. Discuss her possible choices and how they will fit in with her religious beliefs and plans for the future, as well as her own emotions. But I don't know how far is too far, you know? I mean, if it was what she wanted, I would drive her to the fucking clinic if I didn't think it would cause a maelstrom. All I could do was tell her that I understood what a hard situation that this was for her, and to get one of the little home kits that say yea or nay as soon as possible. I also told her that she should tell her parents about the situation, as well as her boyfriend. She said that if she was pregnant, there was no way that she could tell her parents. She comes from a devoutly Catholic family and there would be--pardon the pun--hell to pay. I really just didn't know what to do. I hate feeling helpless! This girl came to me for help and I feel like I'm being hamstrung by a bunch of red tape. In the end, I told her to just get the test, take it, and then come back and talk to me. I probably have until the beginning of next week to thrash out a plan of action." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see how difficult a situation this could be." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They don't really cover this in the classes. At least not specifically. I mean, we are required to report any suspicions of abuse and stuff, sure, but other than that, I really don't know. I'm concerned for my job, of course, but when it comes right down to it, I'm more concerned about my student's well-being. But well-being means a lot of things. She's fifteen for chrissakes! She may make a decision about terminating the pregnancy one day and then change her mind the next, and if the procedure's done, then she's out of luck. And a fifteen year old girl is not the most emotionally stable of creatures to begin with. Add the hormones of pregnancy careening about in her system and it's well-nigh impossible to count on anything. Say Doc, is it true that there is a point in pregnancy where a woman is legally insane because of hormonal imbalances?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Never mind, it's not important. Jesus. Jesus Christ, what do I do here?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, calm down. It's okay. You're working yourself up quite a bit. I don't doubt your concern for your student, and I find that concern admirable. Your hands are shaking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, they're not." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, are you feeling all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Fine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure? You look a bit flushed." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Talking myself out of a panic attack. No big deal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is a big deal. Take a deep breath. Have you had any caffeine today, anything that may aggravate the problem?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not really. Can I talk you out of some of that water?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go right ahead." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not at all. You certainly managed that quickly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Comes with experience. Well, now you've seen how it unfolds, and how I start to get wound up and have to throttle it down. Total wacko, huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not hardly. You put a lot of yourself into helping others. That is by no means a negative quality, Chris. Are you feeling okay now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Serviceable. I can make it home to crash. Greg and Jonny should be by to pick up the baby around eight. I can take her to bed with me and just leave a note on the door for them to come in and get her. I hardly think I need to worry about my younger brother and his boyfriend coming in to rape and pillage, eh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What baby?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The one who looks as though she's melded with the curve of your arm. I'm afraid I'll have to take her away now, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh. All right, here you go." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks. I'll see you next week, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure. Oh, and when the kittens are old enough to move on, let me know. I might be interested." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Would you want her, do you think?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't know yet. Just let me know." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I will. Later, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 21st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, October 23, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHello, Chris. Each time you come in here, more often than not, you're bearing some sort of offering." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Consider it an unexpected bonus, Doctor. Here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, it's a picture of my kitten..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Aha! So little Clio's your kitten now, is she?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I...well... Hmm. I just meant...stop looking so self-satisfied." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry. But in an another week or two, she'll be ready to move. The kittens are all taking to solid food easily now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's good. How have you been, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, do you remember my student Jane Doe I spoke of last time I was here?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, she's officially in a family way. Gynecologist approved and everything. Her family turned out to be far more supportive than either she or I anticipated. The baby's due in the summer, and she's going to give it up for adoption and come back to school in the fall." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A happy ending, then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not exactly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look, I know I was probably pretty harsh in my comments about Jane's boyfriend last week, and I'm sorry. What can I say? He got her pregnant and then wouldn't have much to do with her. So my estrogen put on combat boots and started chanting for blood. But I'm over that now. However, I don't think Miss Jane's older brother is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did he threaten your student's boyfriend?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It depends on what you consider threatening. If watching him like he was a bug under a microscope is threatening, then not really. If watching him like he's an ant that her brother is about to ignite with a magnifying glass is threatening, then her brother is probably being threatening." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But has he done anything..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. But I heard quite a bit about this guy from Mr. Tyler--the Senior English teacher--who said that Jane's brother was always kind of bad news. His exact wording was that Jane's brother was a \"human powder keg.\" Mr. Tyler is convinced--with all his hysterical, paranoid little heart--that Jane's brother is going to do something nasty." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, tell me about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you in any danger?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Me? Uh uh. I'm pretty safe. He has no reason to be angry with me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Just be careful, all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course I will." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The silliest thing is that I can't help but feel that it all ended too easily. I mean just a week or two ago, it all seemed so constrictive and so hopeless. There was absolutely nothing I could do. And now, it's just business as usual in the woods." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You were very worried about your student, and your personal make-up requires your active involvement. I think that you're thinking that it's too simple because of the relief of the anti-climatic, if you understand what I mean." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You could be right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How's your personal life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ha ha. What personal life? Oh sure, I go out with my friends. I have drinks with Bessa and Robyn, and I go to see Anders perform. But that's really it. I go to work, pour a whole lot of energy into my students, come home and grade papers, then feed my cat and, on my more conscientious nights, myself. And then I fall into bed. I love what I'm doing, but I guess I really am kind of lonely even though I have a lot of people around me. I kind of miss Malcolm. The relationship would never have worked, but it was secure and cozy--a warm fuzzy noose with which to hang myself--I know that. But I still hate sleeping alone, and I hate not having that support. I don't necessarily have to have a man around, but it's kind of a nice little luxury to put up with." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But do you feel ready for another relationship now? It doesn't sound as though you are." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're absolutely right. No, I'm not. But that doesn't change the fact that my hormones are going on a rampage." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But I'm not going to just jump at the first man that comes my way, you know? I'm too damned picky for that. I'm beginning to sound redundant, am I not? I think I have probably already said this about a hundred times before. All of it. But I don't really care. It's not ruling my life or anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good. You seem to have a firm grip on your priorities." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What I have right now is life by the balls, Doc. Everything's going perfectly except for the fact that the perfect man is absent. And if that's all that's missing, then I'm a hell of a lot better off than most. I love my job, my home, my cat, my friends, my family. There's only that one thing missing, and it can bloody well wait. Hey, Bessa decided not to move. Isn't that great?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad that you're happy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, it's going to be nice. She's claimed your kitten's brother as hers--that funky orange colored one in the picture with her. She's calling him Shakespeare. It goes well with some of the other pet names in our group of people. Lancelot, Clementine, Shakespeare, Hector..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hector?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Didn't I tell you about Hector? This is a lovely story. You'll like this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Joanne had this little ratty Pomeranian dog named Papillion or something ridiculous like that. Dad hated it. It was yappy, obnoxious, and it peed in unique places, like Dad's two hundred dollar Italian loafers. So when Joanne moved out and took her yappy little dog with her, Dad made his way to the pound and came back with this huge dog that was perhaps as dumb and ugly a creature that I had ever seen. But there was something about that animal. He was only dumb on the surface, and he had personality like you wouldn't believe. Dad named the dog Hector for the boxer Hector something or other. That's what kind of dog it was--a boxer, a big brindle boxer that is reasonably fond of Sarah and utterly worships my father. Hector is the coolest dog in the world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I'm being set up." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't give me those big innocent eyes, young lady. I know perfectly well what you're up to. You're trying to impress upon me just how wonderful pets are so I'll bring that kitten home with me. You have, for some reason, decided that I need companionship. But I will not be forced into this decision, do you hear?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You referred to her as your kitten earlier, Doc. I think your mind is made up. You're just being stubborn." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "May I ask why you have made it your singular mission in life to see to it that I am comfortably settled down with the right animal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You have that look about you. I recognize it from myself before I got Lancelot--that \"I need companionship\" look. So I thought I'd help it along. Anyway, I've got to go--papers to grade and all that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's still early." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I hope you don't mind. I'll see you next week. Good night, Doctor Balis. Keep the picture, I have others." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good night, Chris." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 22nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, October 30, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nIs there a doctor in the house?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, very funny. Come in and sit down." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. Doc, you look stressed. Is something wrong?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, no. Nothing. Nothing at all. How was your week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not too bad. I spent a lot of time with the rest of the tenth grade teachers planning our interdisciplinary unit. It should be interesting, it focuses on the environment and conservation efforts. For my part as an English teacher, I'm having the students read some naturalist stuff, mainly Thoreau's Walden. The other teachers are doing stuff like conservation problems, and the science teachers are leading a field trip. It's a lot of work, but it's going to be fun." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound excited about it. It's good to see your work making you so happy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, it doesn't suck. My personal life is picking up a little bit, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? How?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, it was kind of a strange situation, actually. For the first time in a long time, I went back to the bar with Bessa and Robyn, and I saw that guy again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Which guy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, the guy who used to be a bartender there. His name's Decker, as it turns out. I hadn't seen him the last couple times that I'd been there. In fact, I hadn't seen him in ages. I don't think he remembered me, though--kind of an ego blow. I mean if there's one thing I'm not used to, it's being forgotten. I tried to prod his memory--I mentioned the conversation about my cat and the double bock--but it didn't seem to help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anyway, once we got past the fact that he didn't remember me, things went well enough. I probably would have tucked my tail between my legs and scurried back to my table, but I had baseball on the brain and by chance mentioned the World Series. He seemed to perk right up, the conversation went better after that. It turned out he'd been hanging out in Chicago on vacation for the last month or so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah. What did he do in Chicago?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Normal vacation things. He said there were a lot of good restaurants, but the traffic was even worse than here, and the people weren't very friendly. He mentioned passing Wrigley Field, but then he said that he'd never actually been to a baseball game." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sacrilege." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't be sarcastic. I thought it was kind of weird. Between Oakland and the Giants, most people here get to a game at some point in their lives. And stadium hot dogs are not to be missed. I waxed rhapsodic about the hot dogs for a few minutes, and he just laughed. A really quiet guy, he just kind of stood back and let me rattle on. Then I told him about this exhibit I'd heard about--some stuff from the Baseball Hall of Fame that they're taking on tour--and it's coming to the Bay Area this weekend. Before I really knew what was happening, we'd agreed to meet up at the museum on Saturday. I don't know if I'd really call it a date or what, but it should be fun." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope you have a good time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I will. He looks a little different than I remembered--he used to have kind of long hair, and now he's got his head shaved. I hope he doesn't turn out to be some sort of a neo-Nazi or something. My hair's a lot shorter now, too. I wonder if that's why he didn't recognize me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I wouldn't fret too much over it. If he didn't remember your conversation before, he'll probably remember you now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, you betcha. Oh hey, I finally got that trunk of my great aunt's stuff from my grandmother." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, really? Is it all you'd hoped?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's wonderful! You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that's in there. There's this really great pair of open-toed red shoes with that little forties-style platform and the sling backs, and they fit me perfectly. I'd never dream of ruining them by wearing them out somewhere, but I've walked around the living room in them, much to Lancelot's amusement. That cat has a really strange sense of humor. I blame it on my brother. But let's see, what else? Photographs, lots of them--one of my great-aunt and her uncle Karl, and several of her and this absolutely foxy guy with big dark eyes you could die for. If that's my great-uncle, then I can't blame my great-aunt for jumping on him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris, you're incorrigible." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, it's part of my charm. What else? Oh yeah, this locket was in there. There's no pictures in it, but there's a lock of hair. I'd open it, but I don't want it to fall out and get lost." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. That's really lovely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. I haven't really cleaned it yet, but I think there's an inscription. I'll have to get some tarnish remover and see. But besides this, there's a length of net that grandma says was part of her wedding veil, but she never got to wear it. I asked why not, and grandma just kind of clammed up and changed the subject. I think there's a story there. Maybe all those notebooks will tell me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Notebooks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, notebooks. A whole bunch of them, in one form or another. Some are those really fancy blank journal books, and some are regular composition books, and some are just scraps of paper shoved in between the covers of notebooks. But there are a hell of a lot of them. Grandma said that she did her best to put them in chronological order. I haven't started reading yet, but I intend to tonight." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This could become a very interesting project. It's always fascinating to delve into one's family history." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. It's all so beautiful. There's lots of little stuff in the trunk, too. Some postcards, programs from a symphony performance, what looks like a wedding invitation, some silk lingerie--it's like a treasure chest! The arrival of the trunk was better than any Christmas morning that I can remember. I hope I can keep my cat from trying to eat something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ingesting mothballs could be bad for him." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're right, of course. But it's selfish, too. I don't want any of this stuff getting destroyed, even though my mother would love it. She'd just consider it proof that grandma never should have sent this stuff to me instead of her and that I had no right to have it. I mean, come on. It was grandma's to do what she wanted to with it, and she said that she thought I'd love and cherish the things that were in the trunk and what it all meant more than anyone. Sarah agreed. But Mom had a fit, saying that by rights it was hers and I didn't have a clue about what this meant to anyone in our family--yeah, give. Like she's been a part of the family. She trotted off to England to marry Thaddeus. God, sometimes she just amazes me. She's completely immature and selfish. Totally Daisy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I remember the Great Gatsby comparison from a while ago..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's still more than apt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you're enjoying the gift from your grandmother. You'll have to tell me more about it as you discover what's in the journals." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, you can bet on it. I'll be too excited to keep it to myself. God, this trunk really made my week, along with meeting this guy on Saturday and the interdisciplinary unit going so well. I'm on the move again. Life's fun. Now if only Drew would stop giving me the morose look every time he walked past me in the building..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who...oh, yes, the man who's getting a divorce." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The divorce is still being drawn out. I'm tired of it. If I hear any more, I'm going to throw up. So I try to be cool to him, and he gets all maudlin and holes up in his room all day long." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Drew'll get over it all. Hey, it's only about another week or so, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Until what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know, the cat." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh...oh, yes. The cat." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Any thoughts?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll let you know. I'm still kicking it around. No, I won't be kicking the kitten, don't give me that look of mock-horror." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, speaking of which..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh oh. What are you pulling out of there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ta dah! Happy Halloween!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Cupcakes? Thank you, they're cute." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, and that plastic spider thing sitting on top is really a ring. You could maybe fit it on your little finger or something? Anyway, that's your problem now. I have to go; I must go shopping for a Halloween costume tonight. Anders is taking me to a party. But before that, I get to see his new cabaret for the first time! Thrill!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Happy Halloween, Chris. Have fun." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. Happy Halloween, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 23rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, November 13, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHey Doc...listen I may have to cut things short tonight. Jonny and Greg are interviewing a prospective parent for one of their kittens, and they want me there for some outrageous reason; they trust my judgment of character or something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go ahead and sit, Chris, you know the drill. I'll be done clearing this up in just a second. I'm glad you mentioned the kittens, because I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I think that I would like that kitten after all, the one you brought with you that night. If she's not already spoken for." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, she's available. I was sort of hoping you'd decide to take her, so I kept her reserved, more or less. I can bring her with me next week, or if you'd prefer I can bring her by earlier." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week should be fine. It will give me time to pick up the requisite supplies and kitten-proof my apartment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. I can give you the phone number of my new veterinarian, as well. He's great. Looks like Santa Claus--big white beard, red suspenders, the whole nine yards. Lancelot adores him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Right. Now, I'm not going to be able to keep her in the office. Will she be okay in the apartment all day by herself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Should be. Give her toys, things to scratch on, make up for it with extra affection on evenings and weekends. You know what I used to do for Lancelot?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Turn on the TV. Specifically, the cartoon channel. Don't ask me why, but it worked. He was still relatively contented by the time I'd get home. The voices from the TV kept him company. I know it sounds like the worst sort of parent who uses TV as a babysitter, but I still had furniture by the time he was grown enough not to scratch on everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll remember that. I'm going to have to start making a list. Is there any sort of toy that's better than others?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anything with catnip is usually a good bet. Things that roll and make noise are good too, little things like balls with bells in them, you know? Lancelot likes those huge furry looking quasi-rodent things. He uses them for attack practice. But the thing I absolutely swear by is actually a battery-powered children's toy. It's a green ball, about the size of a softball, with a long fluffy tail attached. Turn it on, and it flops and rolls around on its own. Really great stuff." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Right, right. What about food?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Food. Okay. I feed Lancelot this special food, recommended by vets and stuff. It's more healthy then regular dry cat food, less waste, more gets absorbed into kitty's system. Soft food is okay for a special treat, but I don't feed it to him regularly. I'll tell you something though. Pet stores sell these little tablets for cat treats, made from brewer's yeast. Cats go nuts over them, it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I don't think I've seen a cat yet that didn't love them. Those little dried fishy things stink, and Lance always just chewed the head off and left the rest. Am I getting too disgusting for you, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, not at all. Brewer's yeast, hmm. Clever. You can stop looking so self-satisfied, young lady." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Can't help it, old man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hey, I'm not that old." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And I'm not all that young." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Touch��. Will you be terribly offended if I change the cat's name?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not at all. What were you going to call her?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was thinking of calling her...you're going to laugh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I won't. I promise. What?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Portia. I was going to call her Portia." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I see..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It fits with the trend. And I happen to like the Merchant of Venice very much." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh huh. Hmm...it's cute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You want to laugh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I do not!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You do. You're dying to laugh in fact." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to laugh. I like it, actually. I wish I'd thought of it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I do. And even if I didn't, she's your cat. Capisce?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're right, of course. I spend enough time saying similar things to you, after all." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That it's what you think that's important and not what I think." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. I vaguely remember that from somewhere back in the mists of time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That irony suits your character. So, putting pet talk aside, how was your week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not bad at all. Want to hear about my time at the museum?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, the baseball exhibit." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You remember. Good. Well, I had a fantastic time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would have liked to have gone myself, actually. How was it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Amazing! You wouldn't believe some of the stuff they had there. And Decker, the guy I went with, is like a total baseball encyclopedia. He knew something, I think, about every item in this traveling collection. Statistics, trivia, history, you name it. I was really getting into it, strutting around in my little A's ball cap, practically dragging the poor man from exhibit to exhibit like a five year old. In retrospect I think I would have been embarrassed if he hadn't seemed to have been enjoying it as much as I was. He was sweet, too. We wound up holding hands through the last half of the exhibit. I don't know if it'll be a relationship--it's too early to tell--but I know I had a great time. We went for beers afterwards, still no double bock, but it wasn't too bad anyway, and talked some more. This time we actually traded numbers and such, and I'll probably make plans with him again this weekend. And no, he's not a skin head. The shaved head is just a look." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It certainly sounds like you had a good time. Do you think he might be relationship material?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doc, I barely know the guy yet. I like what I see so far is all I know for sure, and I really would like to see him again. Beyond that, who can say? He's good looking, fun to be around, and sweet in a sort of shy way. Seems really normal, too. And after Kevin and Malcolm, normal is good. Very very good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would just hate to see you rush into anything." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not going to rush, Doc...don't worry about me. I'm tough, remember? Grrr..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Stop flexing at me. I get your point. You don't do a terribly good bodybuilder imitation." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, but I'm prettier than just about any of them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I certainly can't argue the point. Anything else going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not too much. A couple of things. Some sad news. Jane Doe, my student who was pregnant, had a miscarriage Sunday night. I feel bad for her, she came back to school yesterday and just looked exhausted and miserable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, dear...how awful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh huh. What do you say, besides that you'll be there if she needs to talk, and that you're sympathetic?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's about all you can say." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. Still. Hey, I started reading the journals in the trunk. The things start in like 1938 and run all the way through '52. So I'm going to be busy for awhile. The really bad part is that they were all out of order. So I had to spend an evening reorganizing them. Thrill and a half. The trunk is magic, it's better than having a time machine. I walk around in those strappy red forties platform pumps and pick through the notebooks and all sorts of silly stuff. Great stress reliever, especially on the days when I can't cope with reality." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Are the journals interesting?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah, really interesting. it's just so touching, really. My great-aunt lived with her uncle after her parents died, and he was a University professor. Really just little day to day stuff for now, but it's still lovely. What the...damn, I hate pagers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what that was? It sounded like some sort of weapon from a science fiction movie." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah I know. Oh, look. Jonny's number. I guess it's my cue to go, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, you take care, Chris. Don't forget my cat next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wouldn't dream of it. Just get all her stuff and I'll bring her to you. Have fun." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks a lot." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 24th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, November 20, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nCome on in, Chris. Sorry I kept you waiting." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's okay. Tough session, was it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's okay. Oh, is this my kitten?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, you can go ahead and borrow my cat carrier to get her home and stuff like that. I'll just pick it up next week. There you go, come on out, Miss Kitty." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She's gotten bigger." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you for bringing her. Now, I don't want to spend the whole hour talking about cat care again; I picked up a couple of books on the subject and should be able to do well enough. I know you called and said that you wanted to skip this session, but I have to ask, is something troubling you, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What makes you say that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have that look to you. You usually have very expressive eyes, and right now they are rather--pardon the expression--dull. It's the \"Chris hasn't slept in days\" look." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I slept...sort of. I closed my eyes for periods of time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You want to tell me about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd love to, but I can't. Not now. I'm afraid I have to roll out. I really just came to drop your new friend by and wish you good luck. There's a surprise retirement party for Dad being planned, and I've been recruited for the planning. Sarah's working her tail off on this thing; it promises to be quite the event. But she needs a break, and she trusts me to see that nothing goes south while she's getting a little work done." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure you want to skip a session?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I really can't stay, but thanks. I'll live till next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week is Thanksgiving. I'll be out of town. So it will have to be two weeks." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's okay. I promise that if I start having a nervous breakdown, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I really have to get rolling. Don't worry, okay? I'll be fine. It's really not too big of a deal in the grand scheme of things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right. Thank you for loaning me the kitty carrier." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No problem. Goodbye, Portia. You take care of him, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I will. Take care of yourself, Chris. And thank you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have a good Thanksgiving, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks, you too." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 25th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, December 4, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nChris!" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, last time I checked, anyway. What's up, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Without big feet and rabbit ears, that voice just doesn't come across as it should." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone's a critic. Miss me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Always. Is everything going well? You looked awfully tired the last time you were in here." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was. Between helping plan Dad's retirement party--which got postponed--and preparing finals for my students, and the fact that I managed to get hooked into this volunteer program--we help people get their equivalency diplomas--my life is getting active again. It's nice, but I had gotten used to a more low-keyed pace. It's taking awhile to get back into the swing of things again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you're enjoying it, but just remember not to take on too much. You've managed to control your panic disorder admirably in the time you've been coming here, and I would hate to see you start slipping back into that again because your life got to be too hectic." }, { "from": "human", "value": "\"Slipping back into?\" You make it sound as though I'm on drugs or something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't laugh, I'm serious." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't worry, I'm not going to start drowning my sorrows in the coffee house again. I'm a nice, sedate, little tea-drinking old maid schoolteacher now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hardly think you're an old maid..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, a hundred years ago, I would have been up in some attic writing poetry that didn't rhyme and having a deeply emotional relationship with my cat. The only thing separating me from that right now is that I don't live in an attic." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you were dating a promising man." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. Well, I haven't heard from him in a few days. He called at the beginning of the week, and I was kind of frazzled. I had Sarah screaming in my ear that the party store was out of silver streamers and what in God's name were we going to do. And Jonny was wailing on my shoulder because he and Greg had their first real fight--happy Thanksgiving to all! About the only one really happy right now is Dad. He doesn't have to go in the office anymore, he thinks his successor at SII is worthy. He can sit and puff on his pipe and plan his wedding. Bear in mind that what Dad considers planning his wedding involves staring reflectively out the window and daydreaming about how wonderful it will be. He's acting like Prince Charming rather than Herald the Horrible. It's like something out of an episode of the Twilight Zone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He's happy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. And I really wouldn't have it any other way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Somehow, I didn't think so. How's the party shaping up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a complete circus, like one might expect." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Too many guests, too much to do, too much to organize." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In other words, you don't want to discuss it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm okay right now, and it will put me in a bad mood. How's the cat?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fine, fine. She's decided that she likes to sleep practically on my head, but she's fine. It's working out well. The veterinarian is great, by the way." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What did I tell you? He looks like Santa Claus." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, you're right. He...you're getting me off the subject." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry--stream of consciousness conversation. There really isn't a lot more to say. I'm up to my old tricks again, so to speak, and I'm getting stressed over stupid shit. I need to calm down and try and relax. I can handle it all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not back on caffeine, are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, Doc. I told you earlier I'm not. I promise. Thou shall not bullshit thy therapist, remember? It's one of the commandments, I think. I never paid attention in Sunday school. When Joanne went on her religious kick, I was too busy trying to kiss the minister's son. He went to jail when he was nineteen--possession of cocaine or something. Typical preacher's kid--total badass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How long did you date?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "About six months or so, just after I came back from Washington." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Were you involved with the drugs yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I wasn't." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't believe me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I believe you. You've never lied before." }, { "from": "human", "value": "At least not to you. There's no payoff." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's one of Gavin's little maxims. Always tell the truth, unless it's going to get you into trouble, then lie." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Speaking of Gavin..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm going to be an aunt." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup. Gavin was an idiot and got his pretty little vegan coed from UCSC pregnant. She wants to name the kid Apricot Nectar or something weird like that. I think she's eaten a bit too much carob. Just being around her makes me want to go pick up a steak and grill it nice and rare before eating it with my bare hands. Rebellion has its advantages." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah...well, I have to move. I'm picking up artichokes for some weird whore's ovary that Sarah has planned for the party. \"Hire a caterer\" is what I say. Sheesh." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Whore's ovary?\" Oh, you mean..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yup, hors d'oeuvres. Don't pitch a screamer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Take care of yourself, Chris. Maintain your peace of mind, if you can." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Serenity now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not that way. I saw that episode of Seinfeld, too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, sir. I'll bring you some artichoke next time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not going to listen, are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're going to get all wound up over this party and have panic attacks. Then, you'll play it all down when you come in here next week--\"It wasn't that bad at all!\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pretty much...yeah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't you know? No one can do anything as well as I can. I am omnipotent." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It isn't funny, Chris." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Notice, Doc, that I'm not laughing. I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It's just hard for a girl to change after so long, you know? I would wash my hands of the whole project, but Sarah needs me. I have Christmas break to relax. I'll be fine. Okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. I just don't want to see all the progress you've made go down the tubes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It won't. Why are you looking at me like that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, it's nothing. Really. Go get your artichokes. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doc." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Call between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Christina Herald, Thursday, March 6, 1997 at 10:51 am.\nHey! That you, Doctor? How are you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doing well, Chris. How are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Kind of frazzled right now. Listen, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass or anything, but do you think that I could cancel my appointment for this week? I totally forgot about midterms, and if I don't finish my project for Professor Carmichael, my pretty little ass is gonna be in the proverbial sling. I..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, okay, Christina. Calm down. Breathe between sentences, please. That's good. I understand your commitment to school, so if you want to cancel this week, that's fine. Can you make the same time next week? Will that work for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That sounds great. Yeah. I can make it. Sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yepper..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How much coffee have you had today? You sound wired." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not too much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Chris...." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, probably too much. Yeah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like how much?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let me put it this way. Malcolm at Caffe Roma says that he's going to hook me to an intravenous caffeine drip next time. It'll be a good deal quicker and easier for everyone involved. But I won't get the nice fresh-roasty flavor. Hey, do you think asking him out would be too much like a heroin addict dating the drug dealer, like that Darla chick in \"The Crow\"?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Quite frankly, it just might. Do you ever sleep, Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sleep? What's that? Oh yeah, that's what you do when you don't have this old gargoyle of a lit professor breathing down your neck about a midterm project on Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven. I'm seriously at the point of considering running around flapping my arms and screeching \"Nevermore!\" at people. I can recite the damn thing in my sleep. What sleep, I know. But I do sleep, well, a little." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And the panic attacks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not yet. Not today, anyway. It's only eleven in the morning, so the day is young. And I'll probably have a humdinger and be unable to study anyways. I didn't think of that. I actually feel pretty stupid now. Quick, what's a good way to hold off a panic attack. Stop it before it starts and all that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You might try drinking a lot of water, or exercising to move the caffeine through your system before it can affect you negatively..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I might already be a little too late. I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm going to let you go and try to calm myself down before this gets really bad. Okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that's a good idea. Take care, Chris. I'll see you next Thursday." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right on. Bye, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Visit between Charles Balis, M.D., Mr. Peter Hossfeld, and Serena LNU at the California Pacific Medical Center, Pacific Campus, Thursday, July 3, 1997 at 11:00 am.\nHi, Peter. How are you doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor! How'd you find me here?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, we have our ways." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Eliza told you, didn't she? It really was her I saw?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I really make it a rule never to discuss one of my patients with another--but yes, she did tell me she'd run into you here, and I admit I was worried about you. Do you mind my coming to visit?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, it's good to see you. I guess you might have been right about some of that stuff you were trying to tell me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean the epilepsy part? I heard you had a seizure at work--how are you feeling now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm okay, just a little groggy from whatever it is they've been giving me. But the seizure must have been over a week ago--why am I still here?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think the doctors were worried about your general condition--the seizure was just a part of it. You still look sort of emaciated, if you don't mind my saying so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was trying to clean up my body--you know, stick to a purifying diet. So they put me in here and give me nothing but airplane meals. I don't understand it. You'd think that in a place like this they'd have health in mind, but no way; they're totally into junkfood. Look at this shit. What's this? Jello with fake whipped cream on top? Give me a break!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure it's better than what they were feeding you through a tube when you first came in. One of the doctors filled me in on some of this. Do you remember anything about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a little sketchy. I remember being at work. They had me working on some antique Fortran legacy program, trying to fix a millennium bug--you know all the computers in the world are going to freeze up at the turn of the century because they were trying to save a little memory space and left off the first two digits on the date code? Anyway, I remember the letters on my screen starting to glow and pulsate, like they were suddenly alive, and they were trying to tell me something really important--I wish I knew what it was..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The next thing I remember, they were sticking tubes into me. Then they were wheeling me around with all this gear attached, and like in a dream, I saw Eliza. But she had bandages on her beautiful wrists, and she looked like one of Dracula's daughters--totally pale and sort of shocked. What happened to her? We didn't have time to talk, they were rolling us in different directions. I wasn't even sure I actually saw her. Is she okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She's basically okay, but you should really ask her about it--she'll tell you if she wants to. I'm not here to pass messages back and forth, I just heard that you were in the hospital and I wanted to see you. And it's nice to see you in the flesh for a change. E-mail therapy may be the wave of the future, but I found it really hard to make any kind of human connection through a machine. Do you think you can come in for regular sessions once you're out of here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hey, I really liked our e-mail thing; it helped me get my thoughts together on a lot of that stuff. I guess I can ask about coming back in--it might be all right since I'm mainly trying to just get back to normal right now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't want to push you into anything, but I definitely think you need help. Let me know when you're ready to get some, okay? If Serena just objects to me personally, I'm sure I can refer you to somebody else." }, { "from": "human", "value": "She doesn't understand why I need to see anybody but her, you know? And she really does know a lot. You don't understand the really spiritual part of our relationship." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, we don't need to get into this now. This isn't a therapy session; it's just a visit to see how you're doing. I know the neurologist on your team--he's a good guy. If you can get the epilepsy under control, and build yourself up a little, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon." }, { "from": "human", "value": "God, I've got neurologists, nutritionists, internists, every kind of doctor you can think of poking around--they were saying something about internal injuries, but I'm feeling a lot better, really." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean from when you got beat up by Eliza's ex-boyfriend Luke? That was about a month ago, wasn't it? What do they think is wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was sore for a while afterwards, but that was only to be expected, I figured. But these guys think I've got a messed-up spleen, whatever that is. It doesn't hurt much any more, anyway. God, I hate this body stuff..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have to deal with it, Peter. I'm sorry this had to happen this way, but if it got you into treatment, maybe it was for the best. You couldn't have gone on like you were much longer in any case--something had to give." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, maybe you're right, I wasn't dealing with stuff that didn't seem important at the time. Maybe this was the physical world's way of getting my attention. And I got to see you in person again...oh...hello, Serena." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're Serena? I'm Charles Balis; I believe we've talked briefly on the phone.\nAs I was saying to Peter, I'm just visiting here as a concerned friend. Surely you don't object to that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The what? You never told me anything about that. What makes you think you're pregnant?\nSorry, this is just a little sudden, that's all. I just didn't think it was going to happen." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I guess I'll be on my way. Congratulations to both of you, and do keep in touch, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of a Chance Encounter between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Saturday, November 15, 1997 at 10:00 pm.\nPeter! You are Peter Hossfeld aren't you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh...uh, hi, Charles. I've been meaning to get in and talk to you, but I guess I never got around to it. Things have been happening so fast..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd like you to tell me about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "For free? Sorry, but my money thing's really not happening these days. I guess I just haven't been dealing with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not important. I've really been worried about you--how have you been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm fine, I'm great. Really, I've never felt better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? I mean...forgive me, but you don't look so good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you mean? I'm healthy, happy. I've got a real family for the first time in my life. Hey, guys, this is Charles. Give him a sniff. Come on, he's okay. He's a friend of mine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is this the family you were talking about--these dogs? Nice boy, nice boy, that's a good boy..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't patronize them. That's an alpha male. Don't call him 'boy.'" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sorry. What should I call them?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Try calling him 'sir;' dogs are sensitive about their honor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, I can accept that. How do you fit in? Are you an alpha male as well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm working on it. I'm just grateful that they let me hang around. Dog society is a lot more straightforward than the human kind, and I guess I like it better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you've given up on people?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess I've gone to the dogs. There's a lot of wisdom there, we just never notice. We think it's beneath us, but that's because we don't have the equipment to approach it. Do you have any idea of the richness of the olfactory realm that dogs inhabit? Limited as I am, I'm starting to pick up things I've never thought possible. It's a matter of focus." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I suppose I've just got a lot to learn..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So did I. I'm working on it, though; it's a whole different reality I'm just getting a glimpse of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "So far, I've been dealing with it a lot better. I'm getting a lot of help now, not that you didn't try. I'll give you credit for that, but you've never really understood the power of the moon. So you couldn't really be expected to deal with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're getting...uh, a little help from your friends here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't expect you'd understand. Maybe that's why I never called. But Belshazzar here has a lot of talent for therapy. He's a great listener." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's the alpha male?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "People think that being reborn as a dog is some kind of big disgrace. But did you ever think they all might have it backwards? Sure, some things fall away, but is that the real essential stuff? Maybe I'm lucky to be halfway there already. I thought it was a curse before. But from here, it seems more like a gift. I'm sure this had to happen to me, so why fight Karma? Belshazzar was a king in Babylon, but you don't see him bitching about his life. He has the wisdom to accept things enthusiastically, to be grateful for whatever they can do to enrich his spiritual life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Right. Hmm. Peter, I heard you were in jail last month. The police said you had confessed to a murder. I really wanted to talk to you about that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh that. I guess I got a little confused, that's all. I could picture it so clearly. Those images were filling my head; I couldn't get them to stop. I knew I had to get locked up that night, or who knows what would have happened? I'm pretty sure I didn't do it, or they wouldn't have let me go, would they? But sometimes, I still think I did--the picture's so clear in my mind. How can I be sure?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Peter, I had made arrangements for you to spend some time in a private institution. Why did you decide to go to jail instead? Didn't you want to get some help?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess I didn't want that kind of help. Believe me, it was tempting. The thought of wrapping up in a drug cocoon for a few months or years--no responsibility, no reality, just white walls, bland food, and clean sheets--was almost appealing; you almost made it sound like the answer. But I couldn't do it. I chose life in the street instead, and that's a valid choice, too. Don't you think? You know, when I was a programmer, I never felt connected to the work I was doing. It was just something I could do for eight hours a day--letting my mind and body go to waste. But now, I'm a useful member of the pack; I'm making use of my human skills while I learn their special ones. Without me, they can't get into a dumpster or recognize the animal control truck at a distance--I'm handy for lots of things. For once, I feel needed. I feel part of something larger than just me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And is this going to help you control those violent fantasies you were telling me about? The moon is about full tonight, isn't it? Are you planning on going back to jail? I wish you'd give me a call instead. Do you think you could do that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think I'll need to. I really don't. It's not so bad now that I'm not all alone, when we can all howl at the moon together. I'm starting to think that the need to chew things up was just a normal puppy thing, and I can grow out of it. Any dog that's left alone will be a little lost. We've got to be together if we're going to learn how to act. I'm getting a lot of support from these guys and a lot of guidance." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear that, but we need to keep in touch, too. I want you to call me if you ever feel yourself losing control; don't worry about the money." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been working with bones a lot, I find that really helps--just turning off the upper mind and letting the animal brain and the jaws take over. I guess it's what meditation is all about, too. As a matter of fact, no offense, but I haven't talked so much for weeks, and it's really bringing back a lot of stuff that I don't want to deal with right now. Thinking about it doesn't help--I tried that, and it only made things worse. I don't mean to growl at you, but we have to be moving on. We've got a lot of territory to cover, and since the moon is full, there's a big howl on tonight. That's what I really need to do. You can't imagine how good it feels to let all those feelings out like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh huh. Would you be willing to come with me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You want to lock me up? I don't think so, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I didn't think so. I don't suppose there's anywhere I can reach you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. Here's as good as any place." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, all I can say is not to forget there are people who care about you, even if you don't feel like dealing with them right now. Try to keep in touch. Please?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I'll try. Got to go now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take care of yourself, Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, January 6, 1997 at 10 am.\nHi, I'm Dr. Charles Balis. And you are...?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Peter Hossfeld. Call me Pete please." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure Pete. Is there anything particular you want to talk about, or would you like me to just ask you a few questions to get started?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, yeah, the questions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know it can be a little uncomfortable to sit down with a total stranger and talk about all the most intimate issues in your life; but give it a chance--you might be surprised at how helpful it can be. Why don't you start by telling me a little bit about yourself? Let's see, you work at Silicon Impressions as a programmer? How long have you been doing that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gosh, it must be four, five years now; ever since I got out of school. But I just started at SII last year." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you enjoy programming? Is your work-life satisfying to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're kidding, right? It's a job, that's all. I don't know why I'm doing it. I guess I was smart enough in college so I got pushed into the right classes, and I figured it wouldn't be too hard to get work when I got out, so I went along with it. But no, it doesn't do a thing for me, especially the simple coding I'm doing here. It's like my mind can do it using such a small fraction of its hardware that I've been having out-of-body experiences right in my cubicle. I guess it's a good meditation technique, but it's a little scary." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you came here to see me about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That and some other stuff too. I figured I've tried everything else, I might as well try Western psychotherapy too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What else have you been trying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I get the idea. San Francisco is certainly a good area to be exploring that sort of thing. Was there some medical problem that your doctors couldn't help you with?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's hard to say what's mental, what's physical, and what is spiritual; but the spiritual is definitely missing from Western medicine--not that I'm blaming you personally, Dr. Balis. The medical doctors I went to said there was nothing wrong with me that they could find; they seemed to think I was causing them a lot of trouble for nothing. They just couldn't accept the idea that somebody could be sick without showing a lot of symptoms, ones that they could recognize anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't have any physical symptoms, then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know, compared to what? I'm twenty-six years old. I should be overflowing with energy. I should be full of creativity, having the best ideas of my life. I should have figured out some kind of spiritual connection that works for me. I should be at my physical peak. Instead, I'm tired, blocked, lost, and weak. I don't think my body or my mind have broken down or anything, but I don't feel happy or well either. I should be full of enthusiasm, and instead...well, I get jazzed about something for a little while, like I think it's going to change my life, then I just throw it on the heap with all the other shit I've tried. Maybe I expect too much all at once--that's what my irrigator told me--like all these impurities have to come out that have been building up all this time, and you have to expect to feel worse before you start feeling better, but I just keep feeling bad. It's probably my own fault for not sticking with it, but I just couldn't face another session with her. Anyway, one more failure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like you're blaming yourself every time one of these religions or therapies doesn't work out for you, and that makes you feel even worse. Maybe you should give yourself a break, Pete. Nothing works for everyone; everything works for someone. Maybe you're just discovering this for yourself. If a curative effect doesn't show up in double-blind tests, then you're mainly talking about the placebo effect, in any case." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what you doctors always say; you can't accept something that goes beyond your narrow, linear, left-brain mindset. Don't you believe there's something in people that you can't measure with your machines? Have you really got it all figured out? What about the soul? Can you pluck it out and keep it in a jar?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take it easy, Pete; I'm on your side. I don't use any machines, we just talk here. It's really a very ancient method of working with the human soul, if you think about it. It's true I trained as a medical doctor, but that doesn't enter into it very much. Sometimes I prescribe certain drugs for certain reasons, just like shamans and healers have always done, but basically this is a talking cure, and it does work if you're willing to meet me halfway." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So we talk five or six times and I'm not going to feel lost anymore, I'll be well-adjusted? All this confusion and misery is going to blow away like a puff of smoke, and I'm going to be cured?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I'm not promising anything; but good things have been known to happen in the course of a therapy program. You may not be ecstatically happy at the end of six sessions, but you might have worked through some of your problems and have gone on to others by then. It's a process of learning about yourself. It isn't focussed on cures per se, although some conditions can be outgrown. The important thing is to get some perspective on yourself, get things started, and see where it leads you. You never know until you give it a try, right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what I said before I dropped acid the first time. I guess this is just another trip, right Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I suppose you could think of it that way, but this isn't a passive sort of experience that just happens to you, it's more like work you need to do. You have to drive the process if you want it to help you. I'm just here to facilitate things and keep you on track. But I'm here to help you if you want to be helped." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Help, right. Help comes with every software program, but it's hardly ever helpful. I've written enough of it to know. Do you think it could ever be that simple?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course it's not simple. I didn't mean to imply that it was. It's different for every person, that's what makes it interesting." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well I hope all this stuff that's tearing me apart is enough to keep you entertained; I'd hate to think I was boring you with the same old problems you see every day..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, this is my job. I do this for my living, and also because I can help people. Whether it's entertaining doesn't really enter into it, but it is interesting to me; I don't think it would work as well if it were not. Do you have a problem with that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry, I just didn't like thinking I'd be putting on some kind of a show for you, that's all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't need to do anything but be honest . The first thing is to stop worrying about how you're coming off. Just be yourself. This isn't a job interview where you need to impress me a certain way. This is just for you, and you get out what you put in, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, okay. Maybe I'm just over-sensitive. I've put in a lot of time trying for some kind of personal growth, and I feel I'm farther than ever from any spiritual awakening at all. Maybe I'm just stupid, thinking I can be enlightened; maybe I'm just neurotic." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And that's why you came to me, to check on that possibility?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know if I really believe in psychiatry, though, so in a way it doesn't matter what you say. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, I just think you're coming from a really limited world-view, that's all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not the old guy with the white beard, if that's what you mean. But if you're talking about the Godhead--a universal spiritual force pervading our souls and connecting us with everything else--then sure, I believe in that. And if I want to get in touch with it, feel its power running through me, does that make me crazy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, we psychiatrists no longer use that word for the various conditions we are called on to deal with, and no, that in itself is not necessarily a sign of mental disturbance. Religious yearnings are perfectly normal, but I'm not sure I'm the person to help you with all this. Maybe you should talk to a priest or a minister..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I've had it up to here with organized religion. Everybody just wants to sign you up with their program, and then everything's supposed to be okay, except it's not, it never is. I've been in a lot of cults, I could tell you stories...don't get me started. I just want to get my head together, get out of this state of confusion and despair. Sure, I want to believe in something, I just don't know what it is at this point. There just has to be more to life than eating, sleeping, and going to work, you know what I mean? I feel I'm here for some reason, I just don't know what it is. So I keep trying anything that seems like it's going to lead to some kind of healing, or self-improvement, whatever you call it. And I guess that's why I'm here, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure, that's fine. How about coming in once a week? We'll see if we can work through whatever's bothering you. I can't say I've really got a handle on it at this point, but we've made a start. But we're out of time now--let's talk some more. Is the same time next week okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, if you think it's going to do any good, sure. See you then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See you." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, January 13, 1997 at 10 am.\nHi Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hi Pete, how are you doing? Having any more of those strange out-of-body experiences lately?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You can sneer all you want, but astral projection is an important part of a lot of people's spirituality, including mine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I wasn't sneering, I just asked you about something you said was troubling you. It seemed like the most concrete symptom you were feeling, so I mentioned it. Would you rather talk about something else?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think you give much credence to anything that doesn't fit in your predetermined pigeonholes, so you end up treating things which you don't understand at all like they were symptoms of some disease. Actually, these are the best parts of my day, when they happen. Sure they trouble me; but maybe I need to be troubled." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what does happen? Could you describe one of them for me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're not going to laugh at me, or try to explain them away as some kind of short-circuit in my brain?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll try not to prejudge you if you'll do the same for me, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I promise not to mock you, that's not what we do here. But we can't rule out anything at this point that would help us understand what's really going on. So, could you go into a little more detail about this? I want to hear exactly what happens, minute by minute." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. You know Pete, this sounds like it could be a dangerous condition we're talking about here. If you don't have any control of when these things occur, you could have a car accident or something. I'd like to order a series of tests, just to rule out the chance of this being epilepsy, a brain tumor, or a hormonal imbalance." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Damn it! I knew I was wasting my time talking to you. I thought I told you, this is the best thing happening in my life. If I want anything, I want to figure out how to go there more often, and stay longer. I want to meet those glowing people--I think I really could communicate with them if I had more time. Don't you see how important this is? I'm crossing over to the other side; I'm making contact with the spirit world. How many people have done that? It's an awesome responsibility, and I don't want to blow it. If this is caused by a hormone imbalance, then unbalance me some more! I'm trying to understand this and deal with it; I'm not trying to cure it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But for me to understand it, I've got to see what it's not, as well as what it is. This could be the first stage of something that might get much worse. I really must insist on some medical tests. It could be that this is a perfectly benign phenomenon, and all we need to do is try and interpret these experiences, and I'll be happy to do that with you. But I told you I'm a medical doctor as well as a psychological counselor; and there are some very serious conditions that can start out by presenting symptoms like yours." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Did it ever occur to you that most people who have mystical experiences don't go to doctors about them? This has been going on for thousands of years, and people everywhere are better off because of it happening. I told you last time that I was looking for meaning in my life; now when it looks like I've finally found some, you want to chop it out. I should have known better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry you feel that way. But I don't see why you shouldn't want to know all the facts about your condition, whatever it is. Nobody is going to force you to have surgery or take any drugs against your will, but if you don't know what's going on, you won't be able to evaluate your options. For some reason, you decided to consult me, and I'm giving you the benefit of my advice. Get the tests done and we can at least see what we're not dealing with. We might be looking at something that's life-threatening, and it's my responsibility to do what I can to save your life. Once that's out of the way, we can talk about the spirit world all you want, all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess. But when I came in last week I was just getting my first glimpse. Now it's starting to unfold, and it's so beautiful; I don't even care if I'm dying, if this is where I'm going. To be one of those incandescent souls..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well let's find out first. You will go in for the tests?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I just said so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's great. Now after you had one of these spells, how did you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's not the great part, I guess I felt a little hung-over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Headache?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sort of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sweaty?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said it felt like an orgasm all over. Did you have an actual orgasm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh huh, but that was the least of it, really. It was a total body experience; my genitals just went along for the ride." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand what you're trying to say, but it is significant none the less. I'm going to order MRI scans of your brain, as well as some blood work and electroencephalograms. I'm glad you came in, and you really need to follow up on these tests. You are on the company health plan, so there shouldn't be any problem with costs." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It sounds like you think this could be really serious." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's what I'm trying to convey. I'm going to see if we can't get them scheduled right away. Some of these things are best caught in time, and a few weeks can make a difference." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you think is wrong with me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I told you I wasn't going to prejudge you, and I don't want to jump the gun. Let's get the results and take it from there." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What did you say--epilepsy, brain tumors? Oh my god. You don't really think that's what's happening, do you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Probably not. I'm not trying to scare you, but any time there's a periodic loss of consciousness, especially with the autonomic systems involvement you mentioned, we have to check you out. Don't worry, knowing what you're up against is half the battle." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There it is, everything's a fight. That's Western medicine in a nutshell. There are places I can go where healing is based on cooperation with the body, not war." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was just a figure of speech, Pete. Anyway, we're out of time. Wait a second and I'll write out the orders for those tests, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There you go. I'll make sure we schedule an appointment to discuss the results as soon as they're available." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well I'm going to go to a psychic too. They can zero in on this stuff amazingly fast, and they've got more experience in dealing with the spirit world too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just get the tests done anyway. I'll see you next week, probably." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See you." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, January 27, 1997 at 10 am.\nHi Charles. I went for the tests; they gave me this stuff to show you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm, let's take a look. Okay, this is your blood test. There's nothing abnormal about your blood sugar. Your hormone levels seem all right, and they didn't detect any blood-borne diseases. That's great." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What about the other stuff?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's see...this is the neurologist's report on the EEG...It says he found some unusual activity, especially during the strobe test. How did you feel when they were doing that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A little strange, but I don't know if it was the circumstances or the flashing lights or what. It feels weird to have all those wires stuck to your head while they twiddle dials and peer at you. But I didn't trip out or anything. What does \"unusual activity\" mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It might be significant or it might not. This isn't a very exact science, a lot of interpretation goes into it. And brain waves vary quite a bit between different people. But they sometimes tell us where to look more closely. Did you go in for the MRI scan yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, they said that next week was the soonest they could fit me in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, you've made a start anyway. I know this isn't exactly what you came to me for; but we have to check these things out carefully. Have you had any more episodes like you were telling me about last week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually no. Maybe I haven't been relaxed enough. The rest of my life seems so shallow and meaningless. But I can't wait. After having had these short glimpses of another world, I want to see more of it, not less. Real life just can't compete. It sucks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on Pete. Is your life really that bad, or is it just disappointing in comparison to your glorious visions?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. If you think of the way most of the people in the world live, I suppose you'd have to call me happy. I'm comfortable; I've got food, clothes, and shelter; nobody's shooting at me; my job's not too hard. I guess I'm better off than ninety percent of the world's population. But it's like when my Mom told me to eat my dinner because kids were starving in Africa--it didn't make the peas and carrots taste any better. Worse if anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is your mother still alive?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah sure. She calls me up once a week or so, asks if I'm eating all right and dressing warm, if I've met any nice girls lately, that sort of thing. But I haven't told her about my out-of-body experiences; she wouldn't know what to make of them and it would just worry her. We keep it pretty light. I don't want her jumping on a plane and rushing to my side. She's got enough to do as it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "With your father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, they split up when I was a kid. She had a pretty rough time of it for a while, but she got married again and I guess she's doing okay. She's got a whole new batch of kids now, so she doesn't have a lot of energy to spare." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you still in contact with your father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I don't know if he's alive or dead. I guess he must still be alive; I suppose I would have heard something if he'd died. But the break-up was pretty bitter; my mom never got a dime in child support. He just left and that was that. I never got presents from him on my birthdays, or even phone calls. I think he left the country in the late seventies. I don't know if he ever came back. Actually, I don't even care anymore. I wasted enough time on that when I was a kid." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, my Mom's kids are my half-sisters and a half-brother, but I was pretty much grown up by the time they came along. I never really felt like a part of her new family, but they seem happy enough." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you get along with your step-father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I never really considered him that. But we get along okay, I guess. I was a teenager by the time he got together with my Mom. I couldn't understand what she saw in the guy. I was happy the way things were, just me and my Mom; I suppose I wasn't very friendly to him, and he mostly tried to keep out of my way. It could have been worse, but it was a big relief for all of us when I finally moved out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you don't have any family around here; do you have any friends?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah sure. I still have some friends from school that live pretty close--I went to Cal Berkeley, right across the Bay. I don't know if I told you that. And I've met people in some of the classes and workshops I've been to; I keep in touch with some of them. And I know some people from SII, mostly other programmers. We go out for beers after work sometimes, shoot the shit. We keep it pretty light, talking about sports, O.J., that kind of thing. Nothing's worse than programmer's shop-talk--anybody that starts has to buy a round. It's the only reason we don't get thrown out of the bar. We had a Superbowl party yesterday at this sports bar on Lake Merced. Big spread--beer by the barrel and every kind of junk-food you could imagine--but it was just a bunch of geeks packed into a sideshow. The few guys that had actually persuaded women to come to this thing were sort of hovering around them, protecting them from the wolves. I kept rooting for the Patriots to win, even though I knew they were doomed. I guess I'm attracted to lost causes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At the risk of sounding like your mother, have you met any nice girls lately?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean, do I have a girlfriend? Well, there are some women I know well enough to sleep with occasionally. But no, I'm not really in a relationship. I keep it pretty casual. I guess I'd have to connect with a woman on more levels than just sex if it was to get serious, and...I don't know, these women are my friends. We help each other with our needs, but it's not like I'm in love or anything. I haven't been...oh, since high school anyway. I don't seem to have the energy any more. Maybe I'm just waiting for the right one to come along." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you haven't given up hope?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You are starting to sound like my Mom. Honestly, I'm fine the way I am. Getting married and all that isn't even on the radar screen. And since I've been tripping out like I have, it doesn't even seem relevant. The psychic said I had a fifty-fifty chance of dying in the next year. Maybe your brain scan is going to pin that down." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think your chances are much better than that, and you really shouldn't be worrying about dying. I don't know why you're paying for that kind of prediction, how can it be helpful to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She says I'm edging into the spirit world, and that can happen when you're getting ready to die, if you are an old soul who has been through a lot of incarnations. It's like it gets easier each time you go through a body, and you start getting more hints and remembering your past lives better. And being able to flash into the spirit world is part of that. It makes sense to me--a hell of a lot more than these brain waves of yours. I'm lucky that I'm getting a chance to get to know Heaven a little at a time. Most people have to face it all at once; they don't have time to prepare themselves. If that's where you go, it's wonderful; I'm looking forward to it. I mean sure, I'm scared, but it's thrilling too. It's such a beautiful place. I know that now..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't you think you might be making some erroneous assumptions here? This is not necessarily about dying. There could be lots of other things going on to account for your experiences. The tests don't rule out adult-onset temporal lobe epilepsy. What you have been experiencing might be what used to be called petit mal epileptic seizures. We need some scans to nail this down, and we'll have to consult with a neurologist when it comes to interpreting them. Now this is a serious condition, but it's not the end of the world. There are medications which can control them completely in most people. So you don't need to think you're going to die, if that turns out to be what's going on. The other thing we need to check for is a brain tumor. A brain tumor sounds really scary but they are very rare in people your age and can often be successfully operated upon." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh great. I need this like a hole in the head. Can't I just say, okay, my time is up? That's that, I'm checking out?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you really want to do? It sounds like you are looking at this from a very strange perspective. Don't you think your life is worth fighting for? Isn't it possible that things might be better than you think? Now, so far I haven't given you a diagnosis or prescribed any treatment. But I want you to know that you are always free to get a second opinion on anything I might tell you. But get it from somebody with some scientific or medical credentials, not from a psychic. All right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll go anywhere I think I can find the truth. And there's truth in a lot of places you've never looked, so you can't say it isn't there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well that's an interesting problem in philosophy, but we're about out of time. I'd like to see you again after you have the MRI scans done. Is that okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure, whatever you say." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, well call me when you get the scans and we'll set something up. Goodbye Peter." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See you then." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 4th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, February 10, 1997 at 10 am.\nHello Doctor, uh, Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hi Peter. How are you feeling? I heard you got the scans done." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, here they are. Pretty weird looking. Sort of sickening, looking inside someone's head like that--especially when it's mine. That shot where you see eyeballs popping out of a half-skull; that's really going to haunt my dreams." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, try thinking of it as just another way to see yourself; an unusual angle, but nothing to be scared of." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't worry, I'm not scared. If I was the nervous type, I would have freaked out then and there. I had no idea it would be so damn loud." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What, the MRI machine?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, what a monster. It's like you're being fed into its mouth, and then it starts to roar. I felt like a sacrifice to the Gods of Western medicine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's a whole lot better than exploratory surgery; that's what you'd have been looking at ten years ago. Anyway, your neurologist Dr. Hardaway has had a chance to see the scans already; they e-mailed them to his office directly from the imaging center, and I talked to him about them over the phone." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's more than I've done. Isn't technology great?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He wanted to see you and you should schedule an appointment as soon as possible. But in the interest of saving time, we thought we should get these things analyzed as quickly as possible. And the news is good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Really? Do tell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't have a brain tumor. If there had been one, we would have seen it. So you aren't going to die." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You have no way of knowing that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What I mean is that you won't die from a brain tumor in the immediate future. Yes, you could still get hit by a bus. But I was worried about you, and I'm glad to be able to rule this one out. You should be glad too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What about that other thing you were going on about--epilepsy or something?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I was getting to that. I'm afraid the scans could be interpreted either way. One of the temporal lobes does look a bit atypical, like there might be a malformation in one of its convolutions. But there is a certain degree of variation in every brain; unfortunately for us doctors, even typical adult male brains don't all look alike. So while we can't say you've definitely got epilepsy, we can't dismiss it as a possible explanation for what's been happening to you either." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's just great. So what do I do now? Should I start taking medicine for a condition you're not sure I've got? Am I supposed to tear up my driver's license? Are you going to tell my boss I'm an epileptic, so he can fire my ass? I can't tell you how thrilled I am with your \"good news.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, it could have been a lot worse. I can understand that you feel concerned; let me answer your questions one by one. Okay, as to taking medication, I'm going to leave that to your neurologist; he can talk over the benefits and possible side effects. And no, you're not going to lose your job. For one thing, your medical records are confidential, and also the Americans with Disabilities Act makes it illegal to fire someone because of a medical condition, as long as they are able to do their job with reasonable accommodation on the part of their employer." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, this doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If nobody's telling them I have a condition in the first place, can't they just fire me for acting weird?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You are going to have to decide how much to tell your boss. I am keeping all this confidential, I don't know what more I can do. If you want to talk to a lawyer about how to handle the situation, he can probably advise you better than I. What was your other question? Oh yes, your driver's license. I'm going to leave that up to you; there is no law that forces me to report you to the DMV or anything, but I'd be pretty uncomfortable if I felt you were liable to pass out behind the wheel. And I think the last time I renewed my license, there was a question about loss of consciousness that I had to answer under penalty of perjury." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wouldn't call it \"passing out;\" if anything it was a transition to a higher plane of consciousness. And it happened again last week, while I was working on my computer, same as last time. It's never happened in a car, only when I'm at work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Because it has happened in the past only at certain times or places doesn't mean it will always happen the same way in the future." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you would be more help. Do you want to hear what happened or not?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure, tell me about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was an amazing feeling. It's like suddenly everything in the room was suddenly significant; all the details that I'd just taken for granted started pulsing with inner meaning. It wasn't like an acid trip, things weren't putting out trails or anything when I moved; but when I looked at somebody I hadn't even noticed before, a fellow human being typing away at his desk, he was so beautiful. It's not like I'm turning gay or anything--it wasn't a sexual thing at all. I just recognized him as another spirit, a naked soul seeing another with all the barriers down, pure communication. In fact, even the wastebasket in its shiny roundness, the drapes with their incredible folds, the monitor's magic glow--I'd never felt that way about these things before. But then I wasn't there any more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Where did you go?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. It might have been the same place as before, it might have been a million light-years away. It seemed like a bleak and desolate place. I remember rocks, but no trees. Nothing but spirits going back and forth, like a bus station in the other world. I could see them, and I could see through them at the same time. And the strange thing was, I was a spirit too, just like the rest. When we all moved in the same direction, it was like being part of a river, or the wind. When we flowed apart, I could feel myself being absorbed into the terrain, like rain in the desert. But even that felt right, inevitable, part of the dance. I must be getting ready for rebirth, that's the only explanation that makes any sense. I'm just so lucky to be able to do it gradually like this. Have you ever read the Tibetan Book of the Dead?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I read some of it when I was in college. Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well it talks about experiences like I've been having, closer than anything else I've come across. They call it the Bardo realm, the crossing-ground between life and rebirth. Usually you just go there after you've died, but there must have been other people like me; spirit travelers who went and returned, then told their stories to the people who wrote the book. Maybe there are special meditations for going there whenever you want that I've stumbled across by accident. Maybe there's a mantra hidden in the code I've been using." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Maybe. But you know, I've been thinking about this, and I was wondering--when you have one of these episodes, are you always using the same monitor?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I think so. Why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, remember when you were taking the EEG test, how they were flashing lights at you? It's just speculation, computer monitors flicker at particular frequencies, right? It seems possible that they could trigger epileptic seizures, if you were predisposed to them anyway. Maybe in combination with the fluorescent lighting in the office..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh man, why do you have to bring everything to this level? Can't you just admit the possibility of a spontaneous mystical experience, without having to account for it by some sort of mechanical malfunction? First it's my brain that's defective, now it's my computer. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me or my monitor; maybe I'm evolving into a higher type of being. Did you know the Aquarian age just started last week? There are supposed to be some major changes in human consciousness that go along with it; maybe this is a sign of what to expect." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Maybe, but I'd like to try the EEG again, in the place you work. I'd like to see if we can get a reading when you are having one of those episodes; that would really help us tell what's going on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh that would be just great. They're already starting to look at me funny as it is; this will really put the icing on the fruitcake. I'll tell you what. I'll bring the monitor home, and see if I can get anything to happen there, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I suppose. Oh, we're out of time. Well I really think it's important to talk about this some more. Is next week okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, that's Monday February 17th at 10 am." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. See you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 5th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, February 18, 1997 at 10 am.\nHi Peter. How's it going?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fine. Great." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear that. So you haven't been bothered by any more of the seizures we were talking about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I haven't been bothered. I've been learning a lot, but it doesn't bother me; it's confirming a lot of things I'd suspected already." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't understand. Are you saying you have been experiencing more of these episodes, but you enjoy having them; or are you talking about learning from the ones you had before?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I have been projecting myself onto the astral plane, but I wouldn't say it was about enjoyment, it's much deeper than that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have been doing this at work again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. Remember what you were saying last time about the flicker of the monitor maybe having something to do with setting me off? Well I took that monitor home and I worked at it for a while, but nothing happened. I was about to write it off but then I realized I was missing something--a sort of om-m-m that I always heard when my trances would start. So I thought about it, and then went to the hardware store and got a flourescent fixture--bingo. It works even better than it did in my cubicle." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you managed to induce a seizure at home with this set-up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Stop calling them seizures. We're talking about a trance state. Somehow I've become able to enter a state of non-ordinary reality and I don't think a medical term like seizures comes close to describing some of the most powerful experiences of my life. And yes, I've used the monitor and light as meditation tools and I've been able to enter the trance state a few times. Mystics have been exploring different realities for thousands of years before doctors had anything to say about it and, if you looked, you'd see this kind of exploration is the foundation of every religion in the world. If a guy named Jacob came to you and told you he'd seen angels climbing a ladder, you'd probably give him some kind of pill to make it stop, wouldn't you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Possibly. Every case is different. But I think you are messing around with something dangerous here. Epilepsy can creep up on you; once the pathways in the brain are established, seizures...sorry, trances can happen more frequently and severely. This is not something you want to have happen any more, I hope you realize that. If this only happens with this one particular monitor and you've removed it, then we can hope it won't happen again and that's the end of it. Believe me, that would be wonderful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look, even after I took all those tests and had my brain scanned, you couldn't say for sure if I had epilepsy or not. So I'm not going to call myself an epileptic. I'm a traveller in different dimensions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just because I can't point to some part of your brain and pinpoint what's wrong doesn't mean that the diagnosis is incorrect. Most epilepsies are like that. You can't confirm them until autopsy, and sometimes not even then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I bet you can hardly wait." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on Peter. I'm telling you this as someone who cares about you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And it's your job." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, it's also my job. That doesn't make it less true. I don't know how to put it more plainly. All I can tell you, based on what I know, is that you seem to be a borderline case, susceptible to epileptic episodes--trances, call them what you like--and you should try to supress them if you can. If avoiding flashing lights and buzzing noises is all it takes, that's fine; but otherwise I'd suggest drug therapy. Have you discussed this with Dr. Hardaway?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I don't need anything from that old quack. You doctors think you know everything, and you've got the right to tell everyone what to do; even though you're too blind to see the most important stuff in the world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you didn't get along with Dr. Hardaway I'd be happy to recommend somebody else you could go to for a second opinion." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right, another guy that thinks exactly the same. Well, no thanks. I've already got a second opinion." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? From whom?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember I told you I was going to a psychic? Well she's taken a special interest in my case, and she's put a lot of time into building up my spiritual immunities so I can deal with the incredibly heavy shit that's been coming my way on the spiritual plane. In fact it's her support that has kept me as strong as I've managed to be, and helped me keep to the path." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is the one who said you were going to die?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She said there was a strong chance of it, with the powerful forces I've been invoking. She thinks I can pull through though, with her help. She's doing everything she can to build up my strength." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? What does she do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to hear you making fun of things you can't understand." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not making fun, I just want to know. Call it professional curiosity. I need to build people's strength up too at times; maybe she's developed a technique I could use." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, I don't think so. It has a lot to do with her female energy. You see, I've got strong male energy that needs to be directed; but only the female can do that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I guess that leaves me out. Was she ever with you when you induced your trance states?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, she helped a lot. She's an amazingly wise woman. She has an herbal tea for just about any problem you could name, she can cast horoscopes, read the tarot, you name it. When I broke through, it was probably the breathing exercises she taught me that got me there, and afterwards it was her massages that brought me back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It does sound like she she is putting in a lot of effort. What did you say her name was?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't say. Her name is secret; she only tells it to people who need to know. But she lets people call her Serena." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did she tell you her true name?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was granted that honor. But I can't reveal it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then I won't ask you to. Is there anything about her that you would like to tell me? What does she look like?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She's got dark brown hair, eyes like deep black pools. I guess she's really a pretty small woman, but she's got this huge aura surrounding her so she seems larger. She must be forty at least, but she's still muscular and firm. Really though, it's her soul that hits you; the body seems like it can hardly contain it. You'd have to meet her to understand what I'm talking about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And she's been coming over to your place regularly to give you special counseling, that sort of thing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "House calls may be extinct in Western medicine, but they're still an important part of alternative treatment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So she comes over, tells your fortune, gives you tea, massages, and spiritual advice, while you experiment with your consciousness?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She's become my teacher and spiritual guide, I guess you could say. I'd really be lost without her, that's for sure, trying to deal with these intense cosmic forces. But she knows how to cope with all the entities I've been channelling and she's got ways to infuse me with some of her power when the time comes for me to cross over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How does that work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ever heard of Tantra? It's a magical system worked out thousands of years ago in Asia by highly advanced yogi who were totally at home in different dimensions that we just get glimpses of today. Just by using our bodies in certain ways, we can attune ourselves to the spiritual elements that reach inside us and connect with everything in nature, including entities science has no clue about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've heard of Tantric sex. Is that what you've been doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "This is as different from what you call sex as flying is from walking. There's no way to explain it; it's like trying to tell a deaf person about music. For one thing, the object is totally different. In sex, the main thing the man is trying to do is to bring himself off, and maybe the woman too if she's lucky; in tantra, for me to have an orgasm would be an admission of failure. The idea is to transcend the material plane totally, while balancing the male and female principles exactly, so the energy is conserved and channelled upwards. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have finally found someone who could show me these things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you in love with this woman?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "My god, one outdated Western concept after another! Romantic love, what a side-track. Let me tell you, this is something totally different and infinitely higher." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Well, we're out of time, but I'd like to talk to you some more. How about next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know, I'm really feeling okay and I've been awfully busy. I'll think about it, how about that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Give me a call when you want to set up an appointment, but I think it's important." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll see you again pretty soon, don't worry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll try not to. Goodbye Peter." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye Charles." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 6th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, March 3, 1997 at 11 am.\nHi Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah Peter. Hello. How are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Some things are going great, others not so good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do I get the good news first or the bad?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, let's do the good news. I'm really making progress on the astral plane." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? What kind of progress?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's like exploring another world--a different dimension of reality. Different rules apply, but I'm learning them. I'm getting more control. I can fly now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fly? In your dream?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not a dream, it's a vision, a quest. And yes, since you aren't dragging a body around with you, you can flow through the atmosphere quite easily." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You say you're on a quest. What for?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "There you go again, linear thinking. Can't the quest be its own object? Does there always have to be a definable goal? What if I tell you that I'll know when I get there?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay with me. I was just asking if you had some plan in mind, somewhere you were going with all this. Your answer, I take it, is no. That's fine. I'm not here to pass judgment, I'm just trying to help you with whatever's troubling you. But I've got to tell you I have a problem with the recreational use of epilepsy, even if you don't. This is not something to mess around with, believe me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This sounds like what people have told every explorer since time began. \"You'll get eaten by a bear,\" \"You'll fall off the end of the earth,\" \"There's no such thing as e.s.p.\" But I happen to know you're wrong. Don't you think there's a reason why epileptics have been oracles since the beginning of time? I've been reading up on this--did you know Julius Caesar was an epileptic? Maybe that had something to do with why he always won his battles. No great feat for a time-traveler, is it? There's no way you can push your limited world view on me, now that I've seen what I've seen. I've been places, done things in what you call my dreams, things you couldn't even imagine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You want me to tell you about one that just happened?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please, if you don't mind." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Was she the woman you saw in your vision?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not at all. This was someone totally different. It seemed she had something to say to me, but I was pulled away before she could say it. I think Serena pulled me back on purpose, like she sensed a threat. Sometimes it seems like I'd be better off going on by myself, but she knows a lot more than me about the entities I have to deal with out there. And she told me herself that the only reason I'm having such good experiences is because of her protective powers. There's a lot of heavy stuff you've got to deal with if you're on the astral plane a lot and I guess I need all the help I can get. But I wish I could have stayed just a little longer..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's probably a good idea to have somebody present when you're doing this, if only to call the paramedics in an emergency. I've got to say I'm worried about you and I think you should seriously consider dropping this practice if you want to preserve your health in the long term. With luck, you might not have seizures any more if you don't provoke them like you've been doing; you could be just fine, even without drugs. Go on like you have and you may find you can't control them any more." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. Can't we just say that your idea of what life can be differs from mine and leave it at that? What about my vision? Can you blame me for not wanting to give up something so beautiful? And for what, to be a cog in the SII machine? Give me a break!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, I'm not putting down your vision; if you say it was beautiful, I believe you, all right? What about the rest of your life? This was just the good news. What bad things happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you do what she tells you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess I do. It's easier than arguing with her. She's got a wicked temper." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What makes you think so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, she's a very proud woman. She knows she's something special and expects to be treated that way. If she gets crossed in the smallest thing, she flies into a rage--you know there's nothing she wouldn't do, she gets really wild. Not that she's always biting and throwing things, but I've seen her give out a look that's pure poison. Have you ever heard of malocchio, the evil eye? Maybe you thought it was superstition, but I know for a fact that it's real. A guy came over--a friend of mine from work--and I don't know, maybe he'd had a drink or two, and we started talking about Serena. He's saying stuff like, \"Why don't you dump that withered old cunt?\" And suddenly she's standing there, with this terrible expression on her face. I guess she was in the bedroom listening the whole time. So he splits real quick, but the next day he doesn't come to work. We hear he's been in this auto wreck and put his head through the windshield of his car. Yesterday he came back, bandages all over his face; you can tell he'll never look the same." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The fact that a man who'd been drinking got in a car accident doesn't prove anything to me about the evil eye, But I don't want to waste our time arguing about this, we're not going to settle the issue in any case. If you believe in the evil eye, then that's what counts here, not whether I do or not. Are you really afraid that this woman could harm you by psychic means?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I know she could. It's a question of whether she would want to. She seems very attached to me in her way. I'm just not sure I want to make the kind of commitment she's demanding. It seems that the Forces are leading me in a different and higher direction, someplace she could never follow. But how do you tell someone that they were just a stepping stone?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear, Peter. It's part of being honest. Don't you think you owe it to her, and to yourself, to communicate truthfully about how you feel? I'm sure you can put it in a way that spares her feelings." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't know her. She's real sharp when it comes to figuring out what you're trying to say, and stripping away all the nice parts. Remember, she's psychic. You have to be very careful what you say to her. But I think you're right, I'm going to have to put some boundaries on our relationship or she'll take me over body and soul. Thanks for the pep talk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to be able to be helpful to you. I must confess I'm out of my depth when it comes to psychic phenomena. But I know a lot about people and their relationships, so maybe that's what we should concentrate on next time, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just feeling comfortable with you and you go and say something like that. What makes you think that people can be separated from the major forces of the universe, the most important stuff of all? Doesn't your brain ever feel uncomfortable in its chains?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I could ask you the same thing. But we're out of time. I don't know why you feel you have to convince me about your beliefs. Are you really trying to evangelize me into a belief in psychic phenomena?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Maybe I'm just trying to compensate for your unswerving belief in western science and technology. I'll be back next week, psychic phenomena and all. And I'll let you know how it goes with Serena." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That'll be fine. I'll see you then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 7th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, March 17, 1997 at 11 am.\nHi, I'm back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, it's been a while since you've come in. Is there some special reason you've decided to see me today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel you're my only hope, you know, like that last straw people grasp at before they go down for the third time?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so? I thought you were a happy camper. What's the matter?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh god. I shouldn't even be thinking these thoughts. She's going to find out. She always finds out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wait a minute, catch me up here; what thoughts, and who are you talking about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You know; Serena. She's psychic, remember--she knows what I'm thinking. She can tell if I'm planning to escape." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you want, to escape from her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, it's not possible. And she's going to know I told you this. And she's going to make me sorry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Peter, you're a grown man. If this relationship isn't working for you then call it quits, or at least set some limits that you feel comfortable with. You've got to know that this person doesn't have any more control over you than you give her." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Things are so simple for you; I almost envy you your security. But my world has different rules, and it's not so safe. Greater possibilities, bigger pitfalls." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't you think you might be romanticizing a bit? Come down to earth for a second. You've gotten involved with a woman who wants more commitment than you are willing to give. This isn't exactly unprecedented; why do you have to bring the paranormal into it? If you aren't comfortable with the situation, then be honest with her and see if you can come up with an arrangement that works for both of you. Why not leave the astral plane out of it and deal with each other like two ordinary people--what's wrong with that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're so dense, I don't know why I keep coming back here. I must be really desperate. Let me try to explain this one more time. We're not talking about an ordinary woman here; this is a very powerful entity which has chosen a woman's shape. If I'm not extremely careful here, my soul will be lost forever. There are some very bad places on the astral plane; I've been to some of them and it's really not pleasant. I'm walking on the thin edge between this world and the next, and it just takes a little push..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you were only having good experiences; what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, she said I needed to do some past-life work, that there were some things I'd left undone that were still holding me back karmically." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what did you do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The usual thing; regression, rebirth, re-entry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's like a guided trip; with somebody to help you, it's not that difficult to go back to where you came from. And Serena's very good at this; she used to be a rebirth counselor, somebody who specializes in karmic cleansing. She structures your energy so it's easy to flow back to your roots. She starts talking in a special way, you can tell she's summoning a spirit-being, and you look in her eyes, and--I don't know, suddenly you're in a different space and time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean it's like hypnosis?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's probably the closest thing to it you can understand, but it's a lot more powerful than the tricks you see people do on stage. It's the difference between Merlin the Sorcerer and David Copperfield. You actually experience parts of the different lifetimes that made your spirit what it is, and some of the stuff that's still holding you back..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And was that the bad part you mentioned?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was horrible. At first, all I could focus on was the pain, just waves of pain. Then I was in a room, and a guy was tied in a chair, and these guys in uniforms were hurting him, torturing him. They were shouting at him in German, but whatever he said, they didn't like, and hit him again. The man was weak, on the point of passing out, but they poured water at him and kept at him. And I understood the German words, and I found myself saying them, shouting them, and my arm was going back and forth with the effort of beating this helpless man. I was an interrogator for the Gestapo--I felt the sting in my knuckles; I can still see that man's bloody face..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you think that because you had this terrible vision under hypnosis, that you were a Nazi in a previous lifetime?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was there. I know what I did. What I don't know is how I'm going to deal with that karma. I feel awful just thinking about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why worry about it? Don't you think it's more important to focus on the lifetime you're in right now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course; I'm not disagreeing with that. But knowing how you failed before can help keep you from blowing it this time around, don't you think? I suppose the message is not to be cruel. What do you think?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd rather hear why you like to spend your time escaping into one kind of fantasy or another and ignoring what's actually happening in your life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh wow. I bet you've been saving that one up for a while. Feel better now? I'm glad I helped you get it off your chest." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, I'm sorry. I know I seem hopelessly rationalistic to you, but I think that might be why you keep coming back." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why thank you, that's a testimonial of sorts. But really, you like to cast me as a spokesman for Western Rational Thought, which is not how I usually conceive of myself. Now I can tell you feel the need for something like that, so I try to play my part, okay? But I'm not unsympathetic towards your beliefs by any means; I just want to make sure you think clearly about what you are doing in the here and now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right, the good old here and now. Which in my case means Serena, and why I have to do everything she tells me and why I have to tell her everything that I'm thinking, and where I'm going, and where I've been, and who I saw, and what they said, and what I thought about what they said--it's too intense for me. I just can't be around her this much. Somehow I'm going to have to get some extra powers, strong enough to hold her off..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't think you can do it on your own?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I may be spaced out these days, but I'm not crazy. She'd eat me alive and spit out the bones! You don't know what you're telling me to do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I really don't want to find out. I'm going to have to make up an hour's worth of conversation we just had on a totally different subject, so I can tell her about it. It wears me out. Having any social life at all is pretty much impossible. She hates to go out, except on the nights she goes to her meetings, and they're for women only. None of my friends come by any more, I don't know why. If it wasn't for my dreamwork--and she's real important for that, and has done me a lot of good by showing me some of the things I'm responsible for--but if it wasn't for the work, I wouldn't have anything at all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh really? You're young, healthy, smart, employed--what do you want? I can't help but think you are building this person up in your mind as a figure of vast power and influence in heaven and on earth, when she's probably just a lonely woman who clings a bit too tightly, and needs to be told in a nice way that people sometimes need some more time alone in their personal space." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I like the sound of that, it sounds so impersonal. But she thinks that since she's my guru, it's up to her to decide how much time I spend doing what and where. The guru has to have total control, that's the way it works." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does she have to be your guru? Can you quit?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "And throw away everything we've worked so hard to build up? We're really making progress with the astral projection, and I don't know where else I'd go for the past lives work, although there's supposed to be a guy in Colorado.... She's a really good teacher and guide. I guess this is bad to say, but I just wish she wasn't so interested in my case." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you think she's interested in?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What, you think she's lusting after my bod? That stuff is just so trivial and unimportant." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Some people don't think so. Anyway, we're about out of time. Are you coming back next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, it's sort of difficult to get away. I mean, I can ask, but maybe the week after..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well give me a call. I think you should try and make it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doctor, I'll try. See you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 8th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Tuesday, July 15, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nHi, Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Peter, it's good to see you again--and something of a surprise as well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, sorry about last time--in the hospital, I mean. Serena sometimes is not really tactful around strangers, but she had a lot on her mind right then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I suppose she did at that. Where are you at about becoming a father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It still feels strange to me. I never thought that anything like that was going to happen--what we were doing was more like yoga than sex--I still don't understand it; I never had an orgasm or anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's not strictly necessary in order for conception to occur, although it makes it much more likely. How old is Serena?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not really sure; about forty, I guess. That's still young enough for a woman to have kids, isn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure, it happens a lot these days. There are some increased risks, but nothing major assuming proper pre-natal care. Is she getting any?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She doesn't tell me anything about her private life; we're not on that kind of footing. But I guess this changes things, us having a kid together..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're going to keep the baby?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh gosh, I suppose so. Whatever she decides. I mean it's all the woman's choice, isn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you told her how you feel about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "God, I'm in enough trouble already without stirring up any more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What kind of trouble? About coming in to see me after all this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, no, I'm not going to tell her about this--I just needed some help, and I thought of you. I hope you didn't mind the short notice?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, I was really glad to be able to see you again; I was worried about you. But if you could schedule your regular sessions again, that would be great." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look, I'll be in touch about it. Anyway, where was I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You were saying you were in some kind of trouble?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yeah. I couldn't help it, I had to see her..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who, Serena?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, Eliza. I actually asked her to come over--I don't know how I could have been so stupid. All I could think about was how I needed her, how I had to have her near me. I should have at least asked her to go to a movie, or on a walk, or something. I mean, at first it was wonderful; her presence is so comforting to me, and it just feels so right when we're together. We even took a walk on the astral plane together, hand in hand in a beautiful garden..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what went wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you having trouble telling reality from fantasy lately? Or are we talking about a memory problem here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gee, I don't know. I've been taking these pills they gave me at the hospital, but they make me feel all fuzzy. Fuzzy mind, fuzzy gums, and a funny taste in my throat, if you know what I mean. And I still space out a lot. I don't know, maybe I do have memory problems. But I don't recall forgetting anything lately." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What about on the job? Are you functioning normally there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess it has been a little strange at work. Sometimes I find myself just sort of staring at the monitor, and all the other programmers are pretending not to notice. I've been getting this really fishy feeling from my supervisor, like he's been told not to react to anything I might do, however weird. I don't know why they haven't fired me yet, honestly. I'm getting nothing done, and this millenium thing is going nowhere. But I'm the guy who's been wrestling with it for the last six months, so they figure they'll lose six months getting a new guy up to speed. Then it would be 1998, with no code written and the big time-bomb ticking down. I think they're hoping I get it together real quick, then they can dump me in the next big downsizing they do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on, Peter. Maybe you're a valuable employee who's having some health problems, so they're cutting you some slack. But yes, I hope you pull yourself together soon too. Is there anything the matter with that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, okay. Maybe I was being paranoid, and everybody's not out to get me. Sorry, I suppose I feel insecure about suddenly being an epileptic. I even had to give up my driver's license--you can't get anywhere without a car around here. I guess I never felt like a less than normal person before, and it's hard to get used to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can understand that. It's always painful to have to adjust one's self-image when one's circumstances change for the worse. But as I remember it, you get your license back if you use medication and stay seizure-free for a year or so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So in the meantime, I can experience the joys of Bay Area public transportation. It must be my karma. Oh yeah, I was telling you about what happened the other night, wasn't I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After Eliza left?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "When Serena came back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have you ever heard of the Goddess Kali? She wears a necklace of human heads, and dances on the bodies of her victims. She must have been channeling a really wrathful incarnation of the Goddess, or maybe she was possessed..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did she do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "When she came in, I was lying on the couch, feeling really out of it. She could see her herbs and stuff sticking out of the garbage can, like Eliza had left them. She started screaming, \"Who did this? Who dared to do this to me?\" She went into a kind of a frenzy, punching with her fists and kicking at me with the points of her shoes. Then she was running all over the place, sort of sniffing in all the corners; and when she got to the garden, she let out this awful howl, the kind that just freezes your bones. Apparently, by arranging some sticks and rocks, Eliza left some kind of sign there. I hadn't even noticed it before, but Serena turned ghastly pale when she saw it, and her hand was actually shaking when she pointed at it and said, \"It was she, wasn't it? She did it all! Even this!\" And then she hits herself in the belly. Do you think she was talking about her pregnancy? I mean, how can she blame Eliza for that, of all things? So anyway, I go up to her, and start sort of smoothing the hair out of her face, stroking her brow, trying to calm her down, and she glares at me, grabs my hand and bites it really hard. Then she leaps up, looks around wide-eyed like a startled cat, and rushes out without another word. The strange thing is it's almost a week now and I haven't seen her since. I'm really starting to get worried. I mean she hasn't even come by for her stuff or anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that the hand, the one with the bandage? Can I take a look at it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. It's kind of gross though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, Peter, have you taken this to a doctor yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is showing signs of infection, and you really need to have it taken care of." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Like maybe a comfrey-leaf poultice?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was thinking more in terms of the emergency room. Human bites can be extremely dangerous, and this needs treatment now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not back to the hospital--I just got out!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's another reason for concern; you're in a vulnerable condition right now, so you have to be extra careful. I'll tell you what. I know a few good general practitioners. I'm sure I can get one of them to slip you into the schedule right now, would that be okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess so, but I don't think it's that big a deal, really. It hardly hurts at all. I just can't believe she's really gone. And I mean, like what about the baby?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, like you said, it's the woman's choice. And it may be that she was mistaken about the pregnancy in the first place, or she miscarried--there's not too much you can do if she chooses not to communicate with you, so don't worry about it. Let's see what you can do about putting yourself back together--starting with that hand, all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, okay, whatever you say, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We're about out of time, but give me a couple of minutes to make a couple of phone calls and hook you up with a doctor who can treat that hand of yours. It's really good to be seeing you again--I hope you can keep coming back." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, me too. I'll wait out here while you call." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Great. I'll just be a minute." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 9th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, August 4, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nOh god, what a week!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "My life has absolutely gone to hell, and I mean it literally." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so? I thought things were looking pretty positive for you, last time we spoke." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You would, I suppose. But here I've lost my guru, lost my lover, and lost my job--and I feel like I'm losing my mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wow. I knew about your guru, but the rest...I'm sorry I was out last week. I had to take some time off for a family situation. But let's talk about some of this. Your lover, your job, and your mind? How did you lose your job? Did they give any explanation?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, sort of. They'd been putting in crappy performance evaluations for a while, just to cover their butts, but it's like as soon as they knew I was sick, that I had something they could pin a name on, that's when they pounced. I mean, I thought they were trying to be extra nice, and accommodate whatever problems I was having. And I was feeling bad about letting the side down and all--I was really trying to pull it together in the last week or so, to make up for lost time and get the project back on track. But somebody in upper management must have said \"Fuck it. Can his ass.\" So they call me in and give me all this mealy-mouthed mumbling about how I wasn't meeting productivity goals--I mean, Jesus, I was in the hospital, what did they expect? But there was nothing about recognizing that I'm a human being, not one of their damned machines. They made out like it was nothing to do with my condition--they just had to cut some payroll expenses, you-know-how-it-is. They even said they'd hire me back if things picked up--what a load of bull. The project they had me working on had nothing to do with their fluctuating fortunes. It was the millennium bug, for God's sake. What does that have to do with things picking up? It's coming down regardless--don't they realize that? But it was like they were reading a script--and they didn't even have the courtesy to write a new one for the occasion. They just read me an old form letter they had lying around." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's certainly bad news. How did it make you feel, being fired?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Totally worthless. I mean, what am I good for, if I can't even keep a job? If you don't have money coming in, you're shit on the street. Nobody wants to come near you. You're not going to be seeing me anymore either, because I've lost my coverage." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your insurance will continue for awhile under Cobra, so I'm sure we can keep these sessions going for at least three months, and I'm confident we can work something out afterwards. I really don't think you need to worry about being able to get a job, either. From what I hear, companies are fighting each other to get experienced programmers--you should be fine. But how are you feeling physically? You look better than the last time I saw you. Are you taking your medication?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, when I sweat I medicate my shirt. I'm taking anti-seizure stuff, and antibiotics for my hand. But I don't know..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you having any more seizures?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "How should I know? I wake up feeling like I've been kicked in the head. Did I space out or is it just the meds? I never remember the seizures themselves, just what I was feeling right before--sometimes it's really beautiful..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I remember you started out inducing them deliberately. I thought the romance had worn off, though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, don't worry, I'm being a good boy, taking that poison every day. And it's kind of interesting riding a bike everywhere in this town. As if the hills weren't enough, now we've got cars and cyclists mixing it up in the streets, with this Critical Mass thing--somebody tried to kill me with their car last Friday, guess he thought I was some kind of activist or something. I felt like telling him, \"Hey man, I'm a driver too, I just can't use my car right now.\" I mean, I could relate to where his rage was coming from, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, let's try and avoid the most intractible political problem of our day and keep the focus on your major problems, okay? You said you thought you were losing your mind. What do you mean by that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess it sounds strange coming from me, huh? You never thought I had much of a brain to start with, did you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on, Peter. You know that's not true. While I may not agree with you on everything, I've always respected your intelligence. Why don't you tell me what the problem is?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's like I've got Alzheimer's or something. I can't remember things, and when I try, everything's all screwed up. You know those consciousness-expanding guys, always saying that you only use ten percent of your brain power? I think I'm down to about two percent--just one step above a cauliflower. I feel so goddamn stupid, no wonder they fired me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's no need to beat yourself up over that. Tell me what you did that was so stupid?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, since I got back, I didn't think I was doing so badly at the job thing this last couple of weeks. Programming's something you don't need much brain at all to do, just a little pea-sized lump the size of a rat's brain. And I was tuned into it, my little rat-brain was humming down the maze like a good little rodent--all I want is my food pellets, honest. Oh, yeah, you want to talk about stupid? I was really touched at the concern they seemed to show. Okay sure, it was obvious I hadn't been pulling my weight, but they were being so nice about it. It made me want to try harder. it really did. Then--wham. I'm out on the street going, \"Duh. What did I do?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did you do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean afterwards? I guess I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I never thought something like this would affect me; I know it's all just an illusion anyway. But then, I've never been fired before. I try to meditate, and the same scene just keeps repeating itself like a mantra. I can't get past it, no matter how I dodge around in my mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Relax, it's perfectly normal to have unwelcome thoughts recur. It's how your brain processes traumatic events. If you don't fixate on them, they will fade away. But what's this about \"losing your lover.\" Are you talking about Serena?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We weren't lovers, I told you that. And that's what I tried to tell Eliza. But she kept on about her \"evil influence\" and \"herbal poisons\" and how I'm so lucky she's gone. I mean, that woman did a lot for my spiritual growth, but Eliza gave her no credit at all. And aware as she is in lots of ways, she absolutely refuses to admit that she knew me before--or anything about our past life together in Babylon. After I worked so hard to get it all figured out, I can't understand why she won't help me heal my karma. All she wants to talk about are her terrible feelings about herself. Then when I try and contradict her and say how she's not that bad, and what's the big tragedy, she gets all pissed off at me--I'm not giving her credit for her feelings or something. It's like she basically wanted to have a fight or something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you broke off the relationship because of this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, that just started off the evening. I can't believe it. For days, I'd been thinking of her constantly, wondering if she would call. Then when she finally did, I was so excited I could hardly talk, so naturally my hand starts to throb. And when we finally got together, it was like our moons just went into Saturn or something. First of all, I'm suddenly in all this pain--the hand was giving me problems just thinking about her, but when the doorbell rang it was like a spike was run into it. And there she is, looking terrible, like a refugee or something--I know I shouldn't be talking, but I always thought of her as healthy and beautiful, you know? And then we sit there and start talking--it should have been so easy, but I don't know what happened. I felt like she was blaming me for something. I don't know if it was something I did, or maybe didn't do but should have, but in spite of wanting to cover her with kisses, I had to perform this deadly Punch and Judy show with her, and watch it from outside. And we start arguing about the stuff that happened the last time she came over--remember I told you how she trashed the plants? Well she had a whole different version of how it went, but I could hear myself stupidly insisting on my own. It was like I was trapped inside a robot, and had to watch it act like a total jerk. But that was my body, even though I couldn't get through to it. I was feeling weird that day and I guess I really don't know what the heck happened. I just hope it didn't go the way I think I remember it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How was that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's like she was increasingly desperate as the evening went on. We started talking about this and that at random, but it was like nothing clicked. She kept looking at me, like she was wondering if this was the same guy she knew. Then she tries to kiss him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry--the robot, me. She puts her lips on that stony face, and nothing happens, it's like there was an inch of rubber between us. And I can't see how she could have done it, but she put her hand on his...you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your penis?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Do you often feel as disassociated from your body as that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seems like I have lately, but I'm just lying around, not doing anything, so it's hard to tell. Maybe it's the pain flaring up that makes my body seem like such an uninviting place to hang out. It seems better if I just lie there with my arm up and don't try to do anything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You can get medication for pain. If you want, I'll prescribe some. Your regular doctor should be the one in charge of this, though. Are you seeing him regularly?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sort of. There's not a lot they can do, except give you pills and more pills. And now you're trying to give me more--what happened to \"Just Say No?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's your call, Peter. I think it's possible you might be suffering some kind of drug side-effect, so from that point of view it would be good to limit further medication until we track it down. On the other hand, it's hard to enjoy life if you're in pain. I'd be glad to talk to your neurologist about substituting anticonvulsants. I don't think the antibiotics are a problem. But I'll check the literature for combination effects just to be sure, okay? I'm sure we can find something that works for you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd like to believe you're right about that, I really would. But I'm afraid this goes much deeper, and there's not much hope for me; I'm just one of Nature's failed experiments." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on, that sort of thing is not going to get you anywhere, is it? You've got a lot going for you, just give yourself a chance. We'll be able to talk some more about it next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, time to go?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm afraid so." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 10th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Tuesday, August 25, 1997 at 3:00 pm.\nHi Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello Peter. How've your last couple of weeks been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pretty uneventful. I've mostly been staying home alone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Trying to find another job?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. I guess I'm too depressed for that. If you go to an interview, you have to seem sort of eager--bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, you know? The way I feel now, I'd just be wasting everybody's time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Should we be considering any medication--perhaps an antidepressant? It might help snap you out of your slump." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nah, I think I'll stick to my natural low. Call it hibernation. I think it's just something I've got to go through. Anyway, unemployment should be kicking in pretty soon. It'll be like a vacation for me--I can use it, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're sure? Sitting around feeling badly doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Maybe I'm missing something?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not all doom and gloom. I've had time to do a lot of things I'd been putting off." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, alphabetizing my books, putting my magazines into chronological order. I've had more time for reading, and that's been real good. I've found out a lot more about Babylon. It's pretty clear they were the first people to get into regular contact with extra-terrestrials--it's all there, if you know how to read it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And you do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Didn't I tell you I spent a lifetime there?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh, right. So that's mostly what you've been doing--reading?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, there's a lot of important stuff on the Internet too. I never had a chance to spend a lot of time online before, but it's pretty amazing what's out there. Do you surf the web?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Occasionally, but I haven't had the time to get fully immersed. Why, what have you found?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's like we each had a piece of the puzzle, but nowhere to put it. But now, as we get in touch with one another, we can put together our little bits of knowledge and get a glimpse of the big picture. It's almost scary. In a way, we're all coalescing into one giant organism, eternally feeding on itself..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds like science fiction. But I'd really like to stick to what's going on with you personally. What do you do with your typical day, now that you aren't going to work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You really want to know? It's very boring. I never go out or anything. In a way, the Internet is a substitute for all that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean, a social life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. After I've been to the chat rooms, it's just like I was in a bar, except I didn't have to buy any drinks. I've got lots of friends online, mostly people I've met on Usenet. And thanks to the porno sites, a lonely guy doesn't have to leave his room in order to have a sexual encounter." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't you think you should get out more? Maybe meet some people in the flesh?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If I can connect with someone on a purely spiritual level, even if it's through a machine, what else do I need?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what's happening at those porno sites, pure spiritual communication?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, touch��, Doctor, touch��. You think I haven't wrestled with that particular contradiction? But I admit you've got a point--about getting out more, anyway. Actually, my computer keeps crashing--I figure it's an omen. Somebody or something's trying to tell me I'm using it too much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So aside from reading, surfing the web, masturbating, and arranging your stuff, what have you been doing with yourself? That can't be the sum total of your existence." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, there's eating and sleeping, but I suppose I haven't been doing much of either--and no, I don't want something to help me sleep. My dreams are still the best part of my day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are they always different, or do they recur?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes they're different, but there's one I keep having. It's like I'm an animal waking up half-buried in the earth. I can smell the leaves rotting and see things crawling around in the dim light filtering down through the huge old trees overhead. I feel cold and restless; I want to find a sunnier spot. I try to push the dirt away and dig my way out, but my front paw is stuck--it's caught in a trap and there's no way I can get it off. I struggle with it for hours, twisting and writhing, but it's no use--I know what I have to do. So slowly, methodically, I start chewing my arm off, working through the layers of muscle, grinding at the tendons, then I hear the bone start crunching as my busy little teeth work away. In a way it feels horrible, and in a way it's good--it's the taste of liberation. But that's where I wake up. I never actually get free. And the next night I have to start all over again. Maybe I should join the animal rights movement--that must be what this is about. There're lots of places where they still trap animals like that, and it's got to be stopped. I can see that now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But you don't feel trapped yourself? Don't you think that might be part of it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Me? No, I've never been more free. No job, no responsibilities...maybe the dream is an attempt to compensate--sort of a guilt trip I'm laying on myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Maybe. Do you happen to recall which arm you were chewing in your dream?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, my right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The one that was bitten. Has that healed up yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sort of. Most of the time I hardly notice it. But sometimes it starts hurting like hell. Why? Do you think that's what triggers those dreams?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It could have something to do with it. Are you still taking antibiotics?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, they're very insistent that I finish the whole course of medication. Apparently it's really bad if you start it and then stop before it's had a chance to work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I'm glad you're sticking with it. You know, I looked up all the drug interactions associated with phenytoin--that's what you're taking to prevent seizures--and I couldn't find any problems caused by taking it with antibiotics. Are you sure that's the only medication you're using?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I'm really not into drugs--I have to force myself to take all these pills. I can't think of anything else except aspirin, which I sometimes take for those killer headaches I told you about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Aspirin, huh? That might be it. I forget exactly what it said, but I seem to remember that salicylates were contra-indicated. Maybe you should try acetaminophen instead next time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's that? I thought aspirin was supposed to be good for everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sorry--I didn't mean to get technical on you. Aspirin is usually benign but it could be interacting with the other drugs. And acetaminophen is just a generic name for Tylenol, that's all." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, okay. I guess I can do that. You really think that's what made me act so weird with Eliza that time?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's just a possibility, but it would be nice to rule it out. Have you two gotten together since then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, sort of. Actually, I tried to call her the next day, but her mom answered, real unfriendly. I don't know what Eliza told her about me, but it couldn't have been good. After a few more days, I tried again--same thing. Finally, after about a week of this, Eliza called me up. She's got a new place of her own, and I went there, but nothing much happened." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nothing good, or nothing bad?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Neither, really. We took it real slow--I guess we were both scared by what happened. She'd worked herself up into a real state about it, and I guess not hearing from me--not that it was my fault--didn't help. I don't know what's going on between her and her folks. I guess they threw her out, right when she was needing some love and support--nice, huh? So she was a real mess, and you know where I'm at; you don't start much of a fire by rubbing two wet blankets together..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean you tried to have sex and failed?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, nothing like that. I guess there's a lot of trust we need to build back up before we get to that point. We mostly sat in front of the TV and held hands, said we were sorry--a lot of crying and head-stroking, that sort of thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You were both crying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I guess I'm not that in touch with my feelings--too German or something. She was doing the crying, I was doing the \"there, there, it's okay\" stuff. It felt good, being needed like that, even though I was kind of useless, and her feeling so bad was mostly my fault in the first place. But it seemed to help. I guess we're back to square one. It's not like I thought--that I'd totally blown it for good. So I'm going to see her again in a couple of days. I hope I don't go into another weird state like before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean your \"robot\" condition?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. It was so strange; I'm not usually that way--I don't think so, anyway. You really think it was the aspirin?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's just a possibility. Have you got any other ideas?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to say, because saying something out loud makes it more real. And you're just going to scoff at me anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Try me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I've been cursed. That wasn't just a bite I got, it sealed an entity into my blood. It's taken over my hand, and it's trying to take the rest of me. It's going slowly, except when it feels threatened like the other night. Then it goes into high gear, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just a zombie who has to do what it wants. You know how, when a vampire bites someone, they have to become a vampire too? You think that's just a myth? Maybe it's something that really happens. Do you think I'm going to do Eliza harm? I couldn't stand that. I couldn't let it happen. If it comes to it, would you be willing to drive a stake through my heart?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Whoa, Peter, slow down. Don't you think there are some other explanations for what went on? I mean, you were pretty depressed, taking medication..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, I'd like to get into all this with you, but you sprung it at the very end of the session. Let's start right at this point next week, okay? And in the meantime, take Tylenol, not aspirin." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yeah, take two pills and see me next week. I might have known." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on, Peter. I think that you know that I really care about what you're feeling, whether it's based in reality or not. But I've got another patient waiting..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, fine, I'm out of here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Peter!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 11th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Friday, October 3, 1997 at 5:00 pm.\nHello, Peter, I haven't seen you for a while now. How've you been?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not great. And I really don't know how you can help. It's just a shot in the dark, coming here at all, but I don't know what else I can do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's the matter? Can you talk about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I tried, the last time I saw you, remember?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean when you told me you thought you were under some kind of a curse?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I left before you could give me one of your patented rational explanations. So what are you going to tell me, it's a drug interaction, an after-effect of epilepsy, or just something my poor deluded brain cooked up to keep itself amused? I was left sort of wondering which it was going to be." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Before we start trying to explain it, do you think you could backtrack a little and tell me what's been going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember I was telling you I'd been invaded by some kind of an entity who could take control of my body, even my thoughts? It hasn't gone away. It comes on as the moon gets full, then sort of fades out until I'm feeling almost normal--like now--then it starts getting worse again. Maybe it jumped aboard when I was tripping so blissfully between dimensions--like some ghastly parasite you pick up on your travels." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you were associating it with a curse, and that infected bite . But your hand looks a lot better; it seems to have healed up just fine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I should have cut it off then, before the curse took hold. Now it's sealed into my flesh, and it just keeps getting stronger. Maybe this is something that thrives on cursed souls, hollowing them out from within. Soon I'll be the vehicle it drives around our world, and everybody else will have to hear the horrors it's been whispering in my ear. Don't let that happen, Doctor. Please kill me first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you been hearing voices whispering to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just one voice. And what it says is so horrible, I can't take much more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Horrible like how?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Like I'm walking down the street, and I pass a mother walking with a two-year old kid. And the whispering starts--\"Do it, do it now!\" and I get an image--it's me, tearing the child's throat out with my teeth, while the mother looks on in total shock. Then it fades, and I haven't really done anything, but the mom is giving me a funny look, and pulling her kid a little closer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But you haven't actually done anything violent?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really--not yet. But what's going on? I was never like this--I couldn't even watch violent movies; they still make me sick. Am I turning into some kind of monster? Is there anything I can do about it? I can't take much more of this. I'm afraid to go out anymore, I'm afraid of what it might make me do. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's wearing me down, I can feel it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Calm down, Peter. I know you feel upset about having these unwelcome thoughts and impulses, but there's a lot of things we can do. Remember, you've had a lot of time to brood over this fixed idea of yours, and blow it up out of all proportion. Curses really only work on people who believe in them, and you seem to have a lot of faith in this one. I know you feel guilty about your break-up with Serena, but can't you just accept what happened and go on with your life? There's no need to punish yourself like this. Coming in to talk about it is a good first step, though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So you're saying this is all in my head? God, I wish I could believe you. Can you give me a transfusion of rationality, a drug to send these evil thoughts and images away? I'll take it--I'd try anything at this point." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I wish it was as simple as that. There might be some drugs that could help, and daily therapy could do you a lot of good. If you feel you really are on the point of doing something terrible--and that sounds like what you're saying--a hospital stay might be something to consider. Does that sound like something you'd be willing to try?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It sounds sort of restful--but do you think once they got me in there that they'd ever let me go again? I'm really a mess--I haven't told you half of it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go ahead and tell me the rest then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Remember I told you about Eliza and me, that time she touched me and the thing inside me started raging at her, driving her off in tears?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I remember. But I thought you'd made up after that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "We did, sort of. But I was pretty nervous after what happened, and I didn't want to stir anything up. So I didn't call her for a couple of weeks, hoping I'd get myself more together, be able to help with her problems instead of just loading her with mine. But all that time the moon kept getting bigger and bigger, and the control I thought I had seemed to be slipping away. I started getting these images of her--not like I know she really is, but like some kind of prostitute, leering and slutty. Like she'd be spread out like one of those porno shots, playing with herself, and teasing me, daring me to act like a man and give her what she wanted. And this whispering voice kept nagging at me, saying \"You can have her, just take her, she's begging for it. \"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You did say you've been looking at a lot of pornography lately. Don't you think a little crossover into the rest of your thoughts should be expected?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Was that the last time you saw her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Do you really think you're capable of harming her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't think we usually call it by that name these days, but there are some things we can do. If you're willing, I could check on the availability of hospital beds. It sounds like you need rest and some fairly intensive therapy--more than you've been getting so far. We probably should have done this sooner, but I was hoping you'd pull out of it on your own. Did you ever get a new job, or have you been spending all your time alone in your apartment?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I haven't been alone, I've got lots of friends all over the net. Really, I've been socializing a lot more than I ever did before. It's easier finding people who share your interests when you've got the whole world to choose from." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was just thinking that if you aren't employed you would have more time to deal with these issues, without being afraid of losing your job." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Did I tell you I'm suing SII for violating my rights as a disabled person? I called in to a radio call-in show on illegal termination, and the lawyer that was talking agreed to take my case on spec. She says the Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits exactly what they did to me and that a big company like that ought to have known better. She's real confident about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well good for you--at least you're fighting back. That's a good sign. Uh, we're out of time here, but I'd like you to stay in my outer office while I make some calls. I know of a really nice place where I think we can get you in, maybe even tonight." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, I'll hang out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Great. I'll talk to you soon. Just make yourself comfortable, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, see you later." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "See you, Peter. Let me just make these arrangements and I can go over there with you. Just read a magazine or something, and I'll be right with you." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D., Ms. Serena LNU, and Mr. Peter Hossfeld, Monday, March 24, 1997 at 10:15 am.\nYou are the one they call Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, that's my last name. And you are?\nAh, yes. It's good to talk to you.\nAs you probably know, I'm his therapist.\nHow so?\nDo you think I could talk to Peter about this? Is he there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hi, Charles." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Peter. Serena just told me that you had--I assume jointly-- decided that you should drop out of therapy. Is this really what you want to do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry, I have to. I really can't do both things; it pulls me too many different ways. I've got to do something about the terrible burdens I'm carrying from lifetime to lifetime--this is my one chance of release. And Serena's done so much for me I can't let her down, especially now we're finding out so much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure this is the right decision for you? I thought we were starting to deal with some important issues in your life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess I'd have to say yes, I'm sure, okay? I mean, I liked talking with you, but it wasn't really important, you know, like the work I'm doing with Serena. I'm sorry, really I am, but there's nothing else I can do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure you don't want to keep some outside perspective on all this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what's dragging on me, don't you see? I've got to commit myself all the way, holding back nothing, or it won't work at all. I need all my faith right now, or I'll fly apart." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sure that's not what's happening?\nPlease. I'm trying to do what has to be done.\nWell, if you change your mind, give me a call. I'll be there for you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, I appreciate that. See you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Peter." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Sgt. Tracy Keefe of the SFPD respecting Peter Hossfeld, Monday, October 20, 1997 at 11 am.\nHello, I'm Doctor Balis; who's this please?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hi. I'm Detective-sergeant Tracy Keefe, from the San Francisco Police Department. I understand you've been treating a Mr. Peter Hossfeld on an outpatient basis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sgt. Keefe, haven't we spoken before?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I believe we have. We spoke about Joseph Mazurka, if you recall." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I do remember. Okay, about Peter...yes, I've been seeing him on and off for the past six months or so. Is he in some kind of trouble?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I suppose you could say that. He walked into the station a couple of nights ago, asking us to lock him up. We get a lot of this, people thinking they can use our jail as a hotel, you know? We usually tell them to get lost, unless they've got a crime they want to get off their chests--that generally clears the place out. But this guy was all wrought up, and he starts telling the desk sergeant how he did this murder. I heard the tape they made in the interview room, it was like a horror movie. How he stalked this woman and followed her into her room, then killed her with his teeth and claws like some kind of wild beast. He wanted us to lock him up before he could kill again, so we complied; these guys sometimes turn out to be for real, you know? But he's a little sketchy on the details, and so far we haven't come up with a body or any other evidence at all for this crime aside from the alleged perpetrator's story, which some of us are starting to have problems with. Like we checked him pretty good for bloodstains, which you would expect in a homicide of this nature, and came up dry, although I suppose he could have cleaned up real good. So when he told us he'd been getting treatment for his psychological problems, I thought you could maybe help us cut to the chase, as it were." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is he under arrest, or undergoing psychiatric evaluation, or what is his status right now? Can I talk to him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We've got him scheduled for a doctor next week, but the guy's pretty busy--this full moon brings all the bugs out of the woodwork, you know what I mean? And no, he hasn't been formally arrested, we're holding him pending investigation. But we've got to arraign him if we're going to keep him, and if it looks to a judge like he's just another nutcase with a story, then he's out on the street. So I just thought I'd check with you to see if you thought that was a good idea. And no, you can't talk to him right now because I haven't got him here. But I'll tell him to give you a call next time I see him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can I come down and see him...where, at the jail?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, he's down in San Bruno now, but they're really not set up for visitors. Let me see what I can do, though. So do you think this guy is dangerous or what? So far he's been real quiet; we can't 5150 him unless he seems to be a threat to himself or others, and aside from the story, he comes off pretty much okay--a little on the spaced-out side of normal, maybe. But I'm no expert..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Look, I honestly don't know if he's dangerous or not. I don't think he really committed murder, it was probably just a fantasy. But I'd really like to see him, if that can be arranged. I think if I talked to him, I can get him into a private facility voluntarily." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean he's got insurance? That sounds great. So listen, I'll tell you what. If nobody shows up chewed to death in the next 24 hours, I'll set you up for a date with Peter and the Wolf, okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Peter and the Wolf?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh sorry, that's just a station-house nickname that seems to have stuck in my mind. It's been a long weekend. Nice talking to you, Doctor Balis, I'll get back to you about the interview with Mr. Hossfeld." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks for the call, Sergeant Keefe. I'll be looking forward to it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Sgt. Tracy Keefe of the SFPD respecting Peter Hossfeld, Monday, October 27, 1997 at 10 am.\nHello, this is Doctor Charles Balis. Is this Sergeant Keefe?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah hi. I've been meaning to get back to you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what happened to Peter Hossfeld? I've been trying to get in there to see him all week. What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That was what I was going to tell you, they cut him loose." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After the psychiatric evaluation?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, our Docs are really booked up. Once we decided he wasn't really a psycho-killer, I guess it got bumped down a notch on the priority scale." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So he wasn't seen by anybody, just turned out into the street?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, relax. We've got some deputies that are real good at this stuff--have a real knack for it. They checked him out and figured he wasn't going to do anything violent right away, so might as well recycle the cell. They're really tight for space down there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When was he released?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wednesday night. But he was cool, they said he didn't seem upset or anything by the time he left. I sort of figured he'd get in touch with you. I told him about the private berth you'd reserved for him--I guess he never called?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not so far. I really wish you'd let me in to see him at the time, though. He's seriously disturbed, and could have benefited from a period of isolation combined with intensive therapy." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry, it's a logistics thing. San Bruno's like another world, really. Once they're down there, it's hard even to get them back in time for their court dates. Maybe when we get the new computers..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand. I just hope I can get in touch with him soon." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Before the next full moon?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'll let you know if I see him again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks, I'd appreciate that. Goodbye, Sergeant Keefe." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor Balis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, April 10, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nExcuse me? You wouldn't happen to be a...uh...Dr. Charles Balis would you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "As a matter of fact I would be the Doctor. You wouldn't be Mr. Decker Jenkins?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh please...please call me Decker. That whole concept of Mister scares the hell out of me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Decker it is then. Why does the concept of the title Mister scare you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It makes me feel like I should be a dad or something. I mean, not that it's bad to be a dad...I guess, but I guess it makes me feel older than I already am." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You look like a very young man, Decker. How old are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just turned 26 on the 8th of this month. I know, I know...that's not old. You don't need to tell me that, Dr. Balis, I hear it all the time from Karen. It's just that I feel like my life has been happening forever. Karen tells me that time will never end, and that scares me. I mean, come on, everything has a starting point and an ending point. Doesn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well I suppose that depends on who you talk to. May I ask who Karen is?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Karen is my mother, but please don't let her know that I called her my mother. She gets very upset when I do that. I remember when I was five, I called her mommy. Holy Jesus she had a fit. I didn't understand why--I mean she was my mommy. I had to hide under my bed so she would stop whipping me with her belt. Let me tell you, Doc, I didn't make that mistake too often after that. I'm sorry; I'm getting pretty deep already. I hope you don't mind my calling you Doc. I mean it is a title and all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You call me whatever makes you comfortable. As far as me telling your mother..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Please, Doctor, call her Karen. Hearing her referred to as \"Mother\" sends a few cold spikes through my back, if you know what I mean. You probably don't, but please--Karen." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Decker. I'll try to refer to her as Karen from here on out, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. You must think I am a lunatic. I almost didn't come today because I was afraid you would send me to some institution like that place in the movie starring Jack Nicholson...oh what the hell is the name of that movie!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Relax, Decker, it's going to be all right. I won't be sending you to an institution, and the movie is called \"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, that's it! I'm sorry, Doctor. I guess I have a bit of Karen's temper flowing through my veins. Yeah, \"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.\" What a great movie, but very frightening. I mean, it would have to be terrible to be locked up in some hell-hole where everyone there thinks you are nuts, and you feel like you are perfectly normal. But you can't leave because they won't let you. It would be like a great big game. You playing crazy so that you fit in, but trying to act like you are getting better so they let you go. Because in those places if you act like a normal human being, they think you are even crazier. It doesn't make sense to me. Another thing, how the hell are you supposed to be, quote unquote, normal with all those drugs they pump through your body. Doc, please stop me. I'm doing it again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are you doing again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm analyzing things way too much, more than I should, anyway. I've always done that. Looking at things in greater depth than other people. Maybe it goes back to all the times that I spent in my room with nothing to do but think. Karen wouldn't let me have any toys or anything. No television, no books, no radio, nothing but me and my brain to question everything. And it drives me crazy not being able to find the answer to things. I search and search my brain until the answer comes, but I only find myself reaching deeper and deeper, finding more and more things to question. I honestly think I am helping myself go insane." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's all right to question things. But sometimes you must realize that our minds can't comprehend everything that happens to us." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't always agree with that. Look at how much of our brain we don't use. There has to be more that we can do. I am obsessed with finding out how to use that part of my mind. I'm rambling, Doctor. I can sit here and discuss this with you, and a million other things, all day long but I'm sure you would get bored nor do you have the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We can discuss anything you want, Decker. That's what you're here for. As far as my time goes, we don't have to discuss everything today. We can schedule other appointments." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I want to try to stop analyzing everything for right now. I just get on these rampages." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "OK. So tell me a little about your father." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He doesn't exist. Karen has never mentioned him and I only asked about him once. I had to hide again. I have a picture in my mind of what kind of person he was, but I honestly don't know if I'm even close to being right. I see him as a liar and a cheat. A man that only wanted to get laid and found Karen to do it. He did her and she never saw him again. I was a result of their lust. And obviously not wanted by Karen. He is the only thing I try not to find an answer to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why is that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because it's easier not to know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, don't you think that you could apply that theory to everything else you question?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That is very good, Doctor. I never really thought about that. I may have to try that when I go crazy with analyzing things. I guess Simian was right about coming to see you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who is Simian?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Did I mention him? Oh man...you are going to send me to an institution after this one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come on now, Decker. I am not going to send you to an institution. Let's get that fear out of the way right now. I'm not here to judge you and anything you tell me here, except in the most extreme circumstances, will not leave the confines of this room. My job is to help you with your problems. But I can only do that if you trust that I'm not going to use what I learn through these sessions to injure you. So do I have your trust, Decker? If you feel you can't trust me, I can refer you to another doctor that you may find more to your liking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, Doctor. I trust you. Simian specifically told me to meet with you. He said you would be the only one that may be able to help. So, if you'll have me, I'd like to keep meeting with you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's fine, Decker. Now tell me about Simian." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, but this may take a while." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well you go ahead and start, and if the session ends and you haven't finished, we'll pick it up the next time you come to see me. Sound all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did this man scare you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not at all. As a matter of fact, it was the first time I was able to remember that I was not afraid of something. I had no questions, either. I somehow knew that he would have an answer for any question I asked him. I wasn't able to come up with one. Are you sure you want me to continue? This, I'm afraid, is going to get a little sketchy for you and Simian tells me that you will have many questions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well we are beginning to run out of time so if you would like to stop here, we can continue during our next session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That sounds good. There is just so much to tell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, we can get to that. What I want you to do until we meet again is to try and relax a little. I've noticed all this tension coursing through your body. When you begin to ponder, take a couple of deep breaths and try to tell yourself that it's all right not to be able to answer every question you wonder about. Okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll do my best. It won't be easy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just try. When can we meet again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm a bartender so I have a pretty screwy schedule. It's not even set, so I will have to call and let you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's fine. Here is my card. You can call me for any reason. It's not only for making appointments." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Dr. Balis. Simian told me you would help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll see real soon, Decker. Thank you for coming. Goodbye, Decker, and try to remember to just relax." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you. Goodbye for now." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Friday, April 18, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Dr. Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah...Decker, It's nice to see you. I was wondering if I'd ever hear from you again." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that'll work just fine. Please come in and get comfortable. How have you been this week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not too bad, I guess, all things considered." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? Was there a problem?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I've been thinking all week about my mentioning Simian during our first session. I had no intention of ever mentioning his name. It's just I got all wrapped up in whatever delusion I created and...well you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wait. Start from the beginning, Decker. I'm a little lost." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm afraid if I tell you, you won't be able to trust me, that you'll tell me that you won't be able to help me any longer. You see, I don't talk much to people, at least not about important things. I talk to people at work, but half the time they're too inebriated to realize that they're slurring and slinging their spit all over my counter--the same counter that I just wiped up from the last drunk bastard who just staggered out of there. The point is, you're the only person that I've found in a long time that actually responds in an intelligent way to me. The problem is that when I find someone like you, I start off telling the truth, then I get into this elaborate story that ends up with me or Simian being some alien that's come to melt the brains of all humans. Sounds pretty stupid, huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's not the word I would use. I'm still not sure what it is you are trying to tell me. Are you saying that Simian doesn't exist?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not at all. He very much exists. It's just that I've never seen him. I just talk to him. That whole description about our first encounter is false. Completely fabricated. I'm sorry, Dr. Balis. It's just...it's just I don't know how to talk to people. I guess I've got to make my life seem more interesting to people than it actually is. I mean, come on! I go to work. I come home. I sit on my bed and wonder about the way the universe works or whatever happens to be on my mind. I may get an hour or two of sleep if I'm lucky, then I repeat it all over again the next day. I have no adventure--nothing to tell people about. I mean what am I supposed to say when someone asks how my weekend went? \"Oh well, I sat on my bed thinking about what would happen if World War Three started and I survived the war.\" People would think I was a total freak. But that might be the truth. So I make up stories to get their attention, then get so deep that I end up making them think I'm a freak anyway. Besides, people don't have anything interesting to say anyway, especially women. Little tramps with their tits staring me in the face, knowing that they would never let me see them...let alone feel them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Relax Decker...it's okay. We're getting a little ahead of ourselves here. We'll get to all of this later. I want to stay on Simian for awhile. Is that all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean you're still going to keep me as a patient after lying to you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, it really doesn't matter that you lied. We just need to figure out why you lied and a way to keep you from doing it again during our sessions. I'd also like to try to help you communicate better with other people." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You truly are a generous man, Dr. Balis. Simian was right; I like you. That's a great compliment. I don't like too many people. Actually, I don't like anyone, now that I think about it. Simian is the only one, and he has been pinching that last nerve for quite some time now. Sometimes I wish he would just shut the fuck up. Oh my God! I'm so sorry, Dr. Balis. I didn't mean to swear like that. It just comes out sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's quite all right, Decker. I even use those words myself every once in a while. Now you said you've never seen Simian? When does he talk to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He is always talking to me. When I sit on the bed, he tells me what to think about. When I go to work, he tells me who to serve first and so on. He never shuts up. He even talks to me when I'm here. He tries to tell me what to say. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. How long has he been with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's funny. Simian just told me you were going to ask that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What does he say to tell me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He says to tell you the truth; there can't be any harm in telling the truth at this point. He first talked to me...I would say I was about twelve or thirteen. It's funny, he doesn't talk nearly as much when I'm here. He only has a few comments here and there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has he ever asked you to harm yourself or anyone else?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's telling me to lie. I don't really know how to answer that. I'm going to tell you the truth, Doctor, since I already paid for what happened. Yes he has." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you tell me about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, when I was eighteen, I worked in a warehouse at a lumber company. I got home from work early because I had stepped on a nail that went entirely through my foot. I wasn't able to work for a week because of that one. Anyway, when I got home, Karen was on the couch with some other woman. They both were completely naked. Freaked my shit out! I was stunned. It also, incidentally, was the first time I had seen a naked women before. Of course I got an erection, which infuriated Karen. By the time I realized what was going on, the other woman was running out of the room and Karen was swinging the belt over her head. The belt wrapped around my head and the buckle caught me under the eye and ripped my face open. The fucking bitch. Oh God! I did it again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's all right, Decker. Please continue." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well anyway, I ran to my room and locked the door. As I was sitting there trying to stop the bleeding, Simian told me that I should hit her back. After a couple of hours contemplating that, I limped into the living room and just punched Karen on the chin." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's pretty drastic. Was she hurt?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah...I broke her jaw. Her mouth was wired shut for two months. I got to spend three months in county. The little whore pressed charges. I was in for assault." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that the only time you've been physical with Karen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, with Simian always riding me about not putting up with her, and Karen always riding me about, well everything, it gets very difficult to hold in those hot flashes of anger and hatred. I've slapped her a few times, mostly though it has just been shoving. Nothing as serious as that first time. She still beats on me just as much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How often would you say you strike Karen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Maybe once or twice a month. Nothing too drastic." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, Decker, it seems to me that if Simian is urging you to hurt Karen, there's a problem." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Jesus Christ, Doctor. You're making it sound like I'm a goddamn serial killer or something. I just hit the bitch in self-defense." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not calling you anything, Decker, and I'm not defending Karen. It sounds like she has treated you very badly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's quite a profound discovery, Dr. Balis. What gave you the impression that I grew up in a stable household in the first fucking place? I haven't told you anything about the shit I've been through. The bitch is lucky she isn't dead. Shit, I'm getting all worked up. I can hardly breathe. Damn. If I keep this shit up, you'll lock me up in some funny farm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just try to relax, Decker. I wasn't condemning you, nor was I defending Karen. I'm just listening to you tell me your story. Maybe together we can develop some strategies to help you cope with the anger you feel suffering from Karen's abuse. And I'd like you to consider trying some medications which I've found to be effective in situations similar to yours." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Can you do something to get Simian out of my mind? I mean I love the man dearly, but...damn, just shut up! Please, for five minutes. Let me think for a minute. No, I won't relax, old man. I told you that I will not get into that with the Doctor yet. Because I don't think it's the right time..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, try and breathe in slowly..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've told you what I would do if you continue to bring up that ridiculous shit again. Don't threaten you? Who's eating my brain? It sure as hell isn't me. Now don't you threaten me, Simian. I can terminate you with just the twitch of a trigger finger. That always gets him to shut up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker? I want you to listen to me right now. Please take a deep breath and settle down. I need to be able to talk to you. That's better. I know that your life is a little strained right now, but you need to take a deep breath and try to relax. Good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry, Doctor. I have to do that every once in a while to get Simian off my back. He just won't shut up sometimes. I know you are going to throw me into some funny farm at some point. It's inevitable. I try and try to relax myself, but the pressure of Simian riding me--and Karen.... I sometimes want to just pull the trigger, you know, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, I'm going to do my best to help you, but we're going to have to set some ground rules. First, I can't help you if you are going to try to commit suicide. I know that you're concerned that I am going to force you into a mental hospital. I'll only do that without your consent if I think you are an imminent danger to yourself or to others. So please don't threaten suicide. Second, you have a lot of anger towards Karen, mostly, and I want to work with you on ways to cope with that anger. Third, I am very concerned that Simian is interfering with your ability to think for yourself. The way to deal with Simian is through medication. The medication can give you back some control." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dr. Balis, please help me. I'm scared that I will hurt someone or myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've made it to the first step. You've realized that you need some sort of help and I'm willing to provide that. But I need you to help me as well. I need you to follow through with my recommendations. Can you do that for me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Can I take a few days to think about it? You know me, I've got to work it out in my mind first." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, I'm worried that with Simian interfering, you really won't have an opportunity to think it through for yourself. You said that being here in this office reduces Simian's influence somewhat, but I've just seen you having to threaten suicide just to be able to think for a minute. How about you sit here and think here for a bit, while I write you a prescription?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can't do that, Doctor. Look, I promise I will think it through. And I will be here on Thursday at this time, next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How about I give you a prescription right now. If you can work it out in your mind before our next session, then get it filled and start taking it as soon as possible. I'll give you this patient information pamphlet to help you, and the dosage instructions will be on the box, okay? And remember, I'm available anytime. If you need anything, you can call my answering service day or night and they'll get a hold of me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Dr. Balis. I'll be in touch." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker, and please don't wait too long on the medication. I think you'll be very pleased with the results. I really think that you'll feel a lot better--like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, I'm thinking about it." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, May 1, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Dr. Balis. How are you doing today?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Decker. I'm not doing too bad. You look like you are in high spirits." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess I am. I feel pretty good today. I've been taking the medication and I don't know if it's doing any good, but maybe it is. I haven't been able to tell yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well Decker, as I told you before, it may take a little while for you to notice any changes. If it makes you feel better, I've noticed some changes in you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You have. Like what?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, first of all, I notice that you seem calm, a little...well to be frank, happy. You're looking directly at me, which you haven't done in the past, and you're smiling. I'm glad to see these signs. It seems to be an improvement over our past sessions." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I feel more alive, I guess. However, I really don't think it's the medication." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why's that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because this happens every once in a while. I feel pretty good about myself for a few days, then I go right back into the weird shit. Simian isn't around as much during the good days. He's still there--I can feel him--but he doesn't talk as much. The past few days, he has let me live my life my way. But I know what will happen when I fall again. Simian will tell me that I can't live with out his guidance, that I'm not capable of controlling my own life, and that I need him to make the right decisions for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does that include harming yourself at times?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, not really. He's never told me to go and slit my wrists or anything, if that's what you mean. But he has commented that it wouldn't hurt anything if I no longer existed. He's right about that to a certain extent." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, no one would miss me if I did die. Karen would think it was a gift from God. Mr. Knopff would only have to find a replacement for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you think would happen to Simian?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure he'd find a way to follow me to whatever afterlife I would have and torment me there, too. Actually, that thought alone is probably what keeps me from taking my own life. I figure if he will be with me after I die, there is no use in killing myself. I might as well stay alive and try to figure a way to get rid of him and lead a normal life. It's a thought that scares me though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why is that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because, for as long as I can remember, Simian has been with me, sort of guiding me along. Telling who to talk to, who to stay away from, how to deal with my problems. Sometimes I feel that I treat him like the devil, but the truth is he's helped me. He's given me courage in situations where I would have been too afraid, like the job at The Pit. I would have never gone in there and asked for a job if it wasn't for Simian. The thing is though, I'm beginning to think he's doing more harm than good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you give me an example?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's all right, Decker. I get a sense from you that you don't like women." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not usually. I've never had a positive experience with a woman before, at least not until Chris--she's the girl in the bar. I mean I never talk to them. They scare me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What scares you about them?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Simian tells me these horror stories about women using men to get what they want. Like, a women using her tits and other parts to attract a man so she can take all of his money and leave him or kill him. I don't need added troubles in my life. The entire concept of sex confuses me. If you haven't guessed, I've never had sex before. The only naked body I've seen is Karen and that woman she was with. Don't get me wrong, I liked what I saw. I think that's what scared me the most. I got an erection. I watched the woman run out of the room and could only imagine feeling her tits in my hands. I've never felt that before. It scared me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, most men are aroused by the sight of a naked woman. Feeling aroused is not something that should frighten you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, the only woman I've ever really known is Karen. All she does is bitch and moan about everything I do and don't do. I don't find her attractive at all. Which I know is good...if I did find her attractive, I'd have even bigger problems. But I think my reactions to her carry over to other women that I meet. I don't want to get involved because I only have Karen's reactions to the things that I do, and I'm afraid that all women react the same way. I know it's not true, but Simian continually tells me that it is. After hearing it from him so many times, I guess on some level I believe it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you believe it about Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well no. She's different. She had interesting things to say. When I talked to her, I didn't think about her tits. I saw her eyes. They were beautiful, sort of a hazel-green color, and so full of truth. I guess I didn't see her as a woman, but rather as a person. I really don't want to talk about this anymore, because I'm already going to over-analyze my first encounter with Chris as it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, we can talk more about it some other time. I'd like to ask you some other questions, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever thought about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you mean, have I ever thought about killing myself? Yes, of course. Hasn't everyone thought about pulling the trigger at one time or other? The difference is whether or not you're serious." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, have you ever been serious about killing yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've held a gun to my head while it was loaded, yes. But the thought of being followed by Simian stopped me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How long ago was this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A couple of years ago. And no, I haven't done it since." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've never actually tried to commit suicide?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Nope. I've sat on my bed for a few hours with a gun to my head contemplating it. But I've never gone through with it! I look at suicide as a last resort kind of thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, if I can't get rid of Simian, and he is destroying my life, and nothing I do calms him, then yes, I might do it. But right now, I feel I'm very far from that. Death scares me too much to do it today or tomorrow. There are many things I want to change in my life. Like I want to live on my own. Simian has kept me from doing that. He tells me I won't make it and I will have to beg Karen to let me back in. But I want to know what it's like to be free from her shit. I also want to have a friend--I mean a real friend, not like Simian. I consider you a friend, Doctor, but if I called you to go to a ball game or something, I highly doubt you'd go with me. Not because you wouldn't want to be seen with me or something, but because I'm a patient. And I respect that. But I want an honest friend. Maybe someone like Chris. Someone who won't think I'm nuts. I'm so excited about trying these things right now that suicide is a long, long way off. But then again, I'm also scared that trying these things will cause suicide to come closer. Do you follow me here, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think I do, Decker. But we've got to keep suicide out of the question for you. Working together, with a lot of hard work and dedication, I think you can achieve those goals and dreams. And I'm really going to help you, Decker. But the medication is very important. That's first and foremost. The other things we'll work through here. I have to tell you, Decker, that I'm very impressed by the strength of your desire to get the help you need. You've shown a lot of courage and strength to come and seek my help, and I respect you for that. There are a lot of people in your situation who just give up, and don't think about getting the help they need." }, { "from": "human", "value": "See? I owe that to Simian." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I have my own ideas about Simian that we will work through in future sessions. But right now, let's take it a day at a time, all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's how I've lived my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd like you to try something that's been helpful with other patients if you find the time. I'd like you to keep a daily journal if you could. It's nothing formal, just write down your thoughts, what you did that day, that sort of thing. Do you think you could do that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll give it a try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. I think it will help you see our progress as we go forward, okay? Decker, this was a very good session. We're out of time, now, but I want to see you next week, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll be here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's great. And be sure that you keep taking the medication. That's very important, okay? And if there are any problems, just give me a call, day or night. The service knows how to get ahold of me, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank You. Goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 4th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Decker. Please sit down. It's really great to see you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well thank you, Doctor. I feel pretty good. The best I think I have ever felt. Like I told you on the phone, I feel like I have more energy then I ever had." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's really good to hear, Decker. Wow, you look really different without hair." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess I do. I like it. It's a nice change." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It does look good on you, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So how have you been, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've been fine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why the little chuckle, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I don't want to sound goofy or anything and I don't want to offend you, Decker. It's just I've never had you ask me questions about me personally before. It's quite a change for you, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think that may be because I feel like a new person. I actually feel alive and like there just may be a reason for me to be here on the earth. It's an earth that I once felt was a hell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's try not to forget that--that hell you speak of really isn't that far in the past." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wow, Doctor. That seems a little pessimistic coming from you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh...don't get me wrong, Decker. I'm not trying to discourage you by any means. It's just I want you to realize that not every day will be as wonderful and clear as today might be. Do you understand the difference?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I think I do. I know that my life from here on out still won't be everything that I hope it will be. It's in my nature to jump way, way ahead of myself. So I know it won't all be peaches and cream. However, I don't have a doubt that those bad days won't be as bad as a good day was before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I want you to revel in the good days, but I don't want you to become discouraged during the bad ones." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fair enough, Doctor. Let's move on. I think we've exhausted this conversation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Decker. What would you like to discuss now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh come on, Doctor. I know what you want to talk about. You want to hear the adventures of my life for the past couple of weeks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Since I figured that most of this session would be about that anyway, I guess I'll let you in on my little story. This is how it started. Karen came into my room with the medication that I got from you. She was pissed. She started screaming at me about drugs being in her house and how she was going to call the police and have them drag my junkie ass off to jail. She tore my room apart looking for more drugs. I tried to explain to her what they were, but she just wouldn't fucking listen. She never listened to me. The more I tried to explain, the angrier she got. She threw a bottle of pills at me and they hit the wall and flew everywhere. This made her more pissed and she jumped on top of me. She began to hit and kick me everywhere. She was pulling my hair out and when I tried to push her off she would bite me. I...." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds like it was a pretty intense scene." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, you could say that. It was pretty confusing for me. I had no idea why she was so made. Her speech was all in hysterics and sporadic. I could feel the anger in me getting stronger and stronger and I just had to get out of there before I did something to her...you know what I mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She got me in the face--a couple of good ones--and it set me off. I jumped up in a rage. Everything just turned white. I screamed at her that she was never going to hit me again and I pulled back and made a fist..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you hit her?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, like I said, everything went white. I sort of blocked everything out. I don't really remember much after that. I remember running out of the house. I don't know to this day if I hit her. The next thing I remember that day was that I was sitting in an alley crying. Later, while I was in jail, I remembered that I went to the bar to talk to Mr. Knopff, but he wasn't there. I remember I had nowhere to go, so I walked back to the house. That's when I found Karen dead. I thought for sure that I had killed her. I called 911." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You called 911?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I couldn't just leave her there. So anyway, I called 911 and then took off. I hung out on the streets for the night and then in the morning, I went back to the bar. The police were there and wanted to ask me some questions. I thought that since they wanted to ask me some questions, they must have thought I did it. I didn't know if I did but if they wanted to talk to me, I must have. So I confessed. They took me down to the station and put me in this room where they asked me question after question. Stuff like have I ever hit her before. At one point they even asked me if I had ever had sexual relations with her. I said no, of course, and couldn't understand why they would ask me such a question. Anyway, they put me in this little room by myself and treated me rather nice. It wasn't anything like I expected it to be. They brought me my medication at the exact times when I was supposed to take it. The food wasn't that great, but jail was sort of relaxing, actually. I had time to put my thoughts together. The longer I stayed, the more I began to realize that I would never kill anyone, especially Karen. Even though I didn't like the woman, she was still my mother." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sad she's gone?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not at all. She was a bitch. I do feel sorry for the pain she must have gone through, but there is a part of me that still holds onto the theory that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. I know that sounds sick, but fuck it, that's how I feel." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Those are some pretty strong emotions." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, it's still how I feel. Maybe it will change some day, but right now....Well anyway. It was sometime after the second night, I think, that they came and told me exactly what had happened to Karen. She had been raped and then beaten with a blunt object. Her skull was crushed. They think that she may have suffered quite a bit. The last blow is what killed her. She was hit about five or six times in all. Anyway, they had a semen sample and it didn't match my DNA. Or something to that effect. I didn't understand all the biology mumbo jumbo they were feeding me. Since it didn't match, they released me and I spent a couple of weeks here and there. I got to think a lot and the fear went away, so I went back to the bar and talked to Mr. Knopff. He knew everything that had happened. It seems that he checked on me everyday and the police told him everything that was going on. He knew when I was released." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why didn't he gather you up and make sure you were all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Mr. Knopff never has really offered me help. He waits for me to come to him and ask for it. I guess it has to do with that idea of staying out of everyone's business and mind your own. He's just like that. But when you go to him for help, he is very giving. He truly is a wonderful man and a true friend. I respect that a lot because I never really thought I had friends, and I do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So is he going to take you to a ball game?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well we haven't really talked about that but I'm sure if I suggested it he might play along with the idea." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good to hear." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's good to feel, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure it is. So is that the story of your adventure?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, pretty much. Now I'm just back at the bar, working my old schedule. I still haven't been to Karen's house, but I am going to have to go there soon and look through some stuff. Mr. Knopff told me that he would help me sell the house so I got to clean it up. That's about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, Decker, it sounds like you are doing pretty good. I'm very glad to hear you are not a murderer." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it was a little sketchy there for awhile." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is there anything else you would like to discuss? We have a few more minutes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I do want to apologize." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh...what for?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I haven't been keeping a journal. I never got around to getting a note book, and my thoughts were not with journal writing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand, Decker. However, I would still like you to give it a shot if you think about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Will do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How has Simian been treating you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wish I could say that he is completely gone, but I still hear from him about once a day for a very brief moment. It's a little annoying but I can deal with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's good to know that you can deal with it. You may never be able to completely get rid of Simian. The medication may or may not wash him out, but it will muffle him. That's why it is imperative that you keep taking your medication." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, try to have a little faith in me. I just went through two weeks of hell and I managed to take the right dose at the right time even through all of that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're right, Decker. Forgive me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Forgiven." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We are about out of time, so until next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 5th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, June 26, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well hello there, Decker. How are you feeling today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "About one hundred and ten percent better. Thanks for asking. But I had a couple of rough nights." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I had a terrible cold. My sinuses were completely clogged, and my head felt like it weighed about two tons. I had a horrible time sleeping." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But have you been sleeping well otherwise? I mean when you're not sick." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Like a baby, Doctor. Where does that phrase come from anyway? The only babies I have ever seen have been screaming and crying like mad. They sure weren't sleeping too well." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not sure where that saying came either. It's always struck me as a particularly inapposite expression, too. But I'm glad that you've been sleeping well. How is the medication working?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pretty good, I guess. I mean I'm still taking it. I've sort of resigned to the fact that I'll be taking it for the rest of my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're probably right about that. Does that idea scare you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, sort of. I mean I would like to be able to go one day without taking the medication to, you know, have a clear mind for an entire day. But I know that the way my mind is set up, clear is not a word that it knows. What I mean is that even without the medication, my mind wouldn't be clear. So I might as well keep taking it and keep myself sane, rather than stop and go insane." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think it's a good idea for you to keep taking the medication, although if you feel this one has side effects, we can look at other therapies." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Well, I guess I know that it's a good idea." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you made it over to Karen's house yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Mr. Knopff and I went over there Monday morning. We really didn't do too much, but Mr. Knopff found some papers that he thought should be looked at by a lawyer. I don't know why, but he gave them to his lawyer none the less." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, what did the lawyer have to say?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I hope it's good news. How is work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Same old, same old." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you elaborate?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's there to elaborate on? Someone orders a drink. I make the drink. They drink the drink. They order another. I make another. They drink another. Same old, same old." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't seem very interested in being here today, Decker. Is there a problem?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not at all. I still have some ill feelings left over from the summer cold. Summer colds....man, do they suck. I'll have a runny nose all summer now because of this damn thing. Then I'll have to kick it in the middle of winter, so that it doesn't reoccur next summer. Pain in my ass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem a little grumpy today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just tired. If it's all the same to you, Doctor, I'd just rather call it a session. Okay? Let me get out of here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well actually, Decker, I'd like to ask you some more questions. Is that all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Jesus H. Christ, Doctor! Would you get the fuck off my back? I said I'd rather not fucking talk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, all right. Calm down, Decker..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fuck you! What are you afraid of? That if I'll over-react to something, I might lose my mind and bash your head in, too? Is that what you really think of me, Doc? Well, fuck you! I don't need this shit..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker? Wait! Where are you going? Decker, come back!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 6th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Tuesday, October 7, 1997 at 11:00 am.\nWell hello there, Decker. It's nice to see you again. You look good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't sound so--what's the word I'm looking for?--sure. What did you expect, to see me all dirty or something?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I must admit that I didn't expect to see you in such high spirits. I mean it, you really look good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well thank you, Doctor. I've gone through some changes since I saw you last. But before we get into all that, I've got something I would like to say to you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Go ahead, Decker. I'm listening." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I want to thank you, Doctor Balis. You've been very important to me in the short time that I've known you. You see, when I first walked through your door, I thought my life was over. I didn't have anyone to turn to. Mr. Knopff was a nice enough man, but he really didn't want to hear about my problems. I guess if he had to listen to my problems, it'd have made his life more miserable than it already was. Mr. Knopff recently lost his wife and his only son in a car accident, and he was on the verge of losing his mind, too. So talking to him just wasn't the answer. He knew it, and so did I. I was a lost soul, and you helped me find it. I know that this is your job and all and you get paid very well to perform that job, but I just wanted to tell you that I consider you a friend. Whether you consider me a friend doesn't really concern me. I feel comfortable enough with the fact that I finally have a friend that I can confide in and trust--even if it is a one-sided friendship. So I guess all I'm saying is thank you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, you're welcome. And I do care about you, Decker, and I want to help you succeed and live a happy life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I appreciate it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. So how are you doing these days?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm all right, Doctor. It's great to be back here. I really missed this little office and the comfy chairs." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's true, I did miss this place. It seems like it's the only place I was able to be myself. The entire time I was in Chicago, Simian kept telling me that I needed to get back here and talk to you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't seem surprised that I mentioned Simian?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To be quite frank, I'm not. I assume you stopped taking your medication--if not when you stormed out of here, then when your prescription ran out. I'm sure that after you stopped taking it, Simian returned." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, you're right. But he's not the same person he was before. I thought he'd be extremely angry with me for trying to rub him out, but he wasn't. I feel bad; I really hurt the old fellow. I hurt his feelings. But when he came back, he told me that the last thing he wanted was to drive me into an insane asylum." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So he hasn't been harassing you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, he has his moments of annoyance just like any other person, but he doesn't force me into making irrational decisions anymore. He lets me think my decisions through without interjecting. Of course, when I make a decision that he doesn't agree with, he tells me what he would do and he might put me down for not listening, but he's fair. I'd consider him a friend, except I know that he's just me. Sometimes I have a difficult time remembering that he's not a real person but rather a figment of my own imagination. I guess he's really my imaginary friend--sounds kind of funny, doesn't it, Doctor? I mean a twenty-six year old man playing with his imaginary friend? It's kind of like that movie with Phoebe Cates where she has an imaginary friend named Fred. I can never remember the names of movies. Anyway, I told my father about you and Simian, and he said that you would probably think I was a schizo. Do you think I'm schizo, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe you're suffering from schizophrenia. Do you think you are?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really know. I do know that it's a little strange that I talk to Simian like I talk to you--out loud, I mean. But maybe that's just the way I deal with things. I never had any friends growing up--Karen wouldn't allow it. So I had to do something to gain companionship. Boy, that bitch really fucked me up, didn't she, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother always has a strong effect on her children. When she is abusive, like Karen was, then that effect can be strongly negative." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That would be an understatement. Simian has asked me if I'm sorry that she is gone. That's a very tough question to answer. I'm sorry that she felt so much pain. But, on the other hand, I'm not sorry that she's no longer around. Is that bad?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that it's not unusual for an abused person to feel the way you do. Karen was a troubled woman. I'm not trying to justify what she did to you, but she had some major problems, too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I understand that after talking to my father." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why don't you tell me more about your father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not sure if I have time to tell the whole story..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, you can start. And if we run out of time, you can finish next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, that sounds fair. Well, I guess I'll start a few days after I ran out of our last session. I went back to Karen's house. I was going through some things and found a bank statement in a desk in her room. As you can imagine, I had a hard time going through that desk, because I was never even allowed in her room, let alone the desk. Anyway, the statement was addressed to me. I was shocked--I never got mail. The statement was postmarked on April 8, 1992--my twenty-first birthday. I wanted to find out more, so I called the number on the bank statement. They told me that they had some kind of savings bond in my name that was worth over $250,000 and I could claim it with identification. So I went to Chicago--a huge step for a guy that rarely left his own room." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That was a pretty big step." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anyway, I got to Chicago, found the bank, showed them my ID, and walked out with a cashiers check for $253,987.46. It was as easy as that. I thought that they'd make me strip down or something. I didn't know what to expect, you know? Then I took a cab back to O'Hare and started to wonder for the first time where this money came from. I'm sure Karen didn't give it to me. So I went back to the bank to see if I could find out who had started the bond for me. They told me that a man by the name of Anthony Parish started the bond in June of 1971 for his son--me. The only address they gave me was Karen's--right here in San Francisco. I almost passed out. Karen always told me that my father didn't exist. I assumed that he was one of Karen's one-nighters. Karen never spoke of him, and whenever I asked I was hit. I guess I just assumed he was a loser or something. So I decided to stay in Chicago and see if I could find him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is really a fascinating story, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, and there's a lot more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why don't we stop here and continue next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's fine with me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, before you go, I want to know how you feel about going back on your medication?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I really don't think that's necessary, Doctor. I feel much better, and Simian is not bothering me at all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I agree that you seem to be very good. But as a precautionary measure..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I really don't want to take it, Doctor. It don't feel clear-headed when I'm on that stuff. How about we make a pact? If you feel that Simian is interfering with my rational thinking and if I feel that he's bothering me, then I'll start taking it again. But right now, I want to see what will happen if I don't take it. While I was in Chicago, I survived fine without it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Okay. I won't force you to take medication. But if I see any signs of negative behavior from you or from Simian, then you have to take it. Deal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fair enough. Deal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was good seeing you, Decker. Same time next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's fine. Oh, one more thing. I've been writing a little--just some poems, I guess you'd call them that. Would you like to see them? They might give you some insight to my being." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, that would be good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, here they are." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll read them this week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll see you next week then. Goodbye, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 7th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Tuesday, October 14, 1997 at 11:00 am.\nHello, Decker. Please come in. I'm very sorry I'm so late--I got blocked in and couldn't get my car out all morning. Go ahead, have a seat. Decker? What's wrong? Are you all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, I assure you that I had no intention of causing any disrespect towards you. And I apologize if this has caused you to miss any other appointments..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just time, Doctor. It's just time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Decker, I don't understand." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh forget it, Doctor. No matter how I'll try to explain it to you, even you wouldn't be able to follow. Let's just get on with the rest of my story." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, just relax for a moment. Catch your breath. Slow down a bit. Okay, good. Now, what's bothering you today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's bothering me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. What's bothering you? I realize that starting a session late could cause some frustration, but it shouldn't cause rage. Therefore, I believe that there is something else that is contributing to the rage I just witnessed. What is it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You are pretty good at this therapist thing, Doctor. Although I don't think I would have called it rage." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, what would you call it, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fury, maybe. But rage? That's so...it's an evil word." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is the difference between the words?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Rage gives the impression of a mad man. I just equate rage with death, I guess." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And with what do you equate fury?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pure anger! Doctor, I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to think that I'm being disrespectful of you or your profession. This is honestly the first time that I've ever seen you act like a doctor. I see you psychoanalyzing my brain as we speak, and I answer your questions, and it's not becoming of you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. That's interesting. I would, however, like to hear the answer to my initial question. What's bothering you, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fair enough. I guess I'm just nervous. I have an appointment with someone later this afternoon about an apartment. I'm worried that the guy will think I'm just a little left of center and not lease the place to me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I think landlords are usually more interested in your financial situation. The guy might not even notice what color hair you have." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't have any hair." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "See? And besides, you can make a very good first impression if you try. I know you can. So is there anything else? Is there something else bothering you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I sure hope you're right. And yes, there is another thing that has been occupying my mind--my dad's coming tonight. He's staying at some fancy place downtown; I'm meeting him in the restaurant for dinner at eight. He's a nice man and all, but it's just that I don't know him and he wants to be my father. I haven't figured it out yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, it may take some time getting used to having a father. Why don't you tell me how you found him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, after I found out his name, I began to think that I almost never was Decker Jenkins--I could have been Decker Parish or something else Parish, you know? And that felt very strange, almost like I didn't know myself. It turned the desire to find him and find out about that other part of myself--a self I didn't know--into a need to know more. But the more I thought about it, the more nervous I got. I even started losing my breath. It became very hard to focus on anything, and breathing was so hard. I thought I was going to die. Next thing I remember, I was sitting up against a tall building with all these people staring at me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This lady with long red, almost orange, hair and bright red lipstick told me to breathe deep. She said I was hyperventilating. Anyway, that woman is another story that I'll save for later, but she got me to calm down. Her name was Pam, and I stayed with her while I was in Chicago. But like I said, that's another story. Anyway, she helped me track down dad. We found out that he lived in the Hancock Building on the 44th floor. We didn't have a phone number, so we just decided that I would go and knock on his door. I tried that. It wasn't that easy. First, they wouldn't let me into the elevator that went up to the apartments in the building. I couldn't convince the security guard guy who I was. He just kept telling me that he knew Mr. Parish didn't have a son or any visitors, for that matter. So that was problem number one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. I would like to get back to the hyperventilating after you've finished your story." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Problem number two--he wasn't home. I finally convinced the security guard to call my dad, but he wasn't home. So I thought I'd wait. Well, the first fifteen minutes I waited, about a hundred people got on that elevator. Eighty percent of them were men--but none of them appeared to be my dad. I did this for about a week and decided that he was either out of town or the doormen had told him about me and now he was avoiding me. So I gave the doorman the number to Pam's apartment and asked him to give it to Mr. Parish the next time he saw him. It took about a month. I was ready to give up and come back here when a man called. He had a very deep voice and sounded rather important. He asked for me, and I told him that he had me. He then said he was my father. We met for dinner at some fancy restaurant. Pam helped me shop for the clothes that I needed for the place--shirt, tie, and those sort of things. I went to the restaurant and asked for Mr. Parish. The guy in the tux took me to a table where I was sitting--Mr. Parish was me! The guy looked just like me. I knew instantly he was my dad. And he acted like my father. It was very strange and very uncomfortable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I spent about a week with him and learned some things about my life before I remember--all stuff that I'm sure will come out later. But enough about this, I don't really want to get too deep today. Next week, I'll tell you about Pam. That will really shock you, Doc. What did you think of my writing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your poetry? I thought it was very dark." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, it is that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think writing is a good way for you to express some of your feelings and emotions. I would like you to keep writing if you could." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. Here is another one I wrote." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. Before we quit for today, I want to give a prescription for your medication." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Come on, Doc. I didn't even mention Simian today. He hasn't bothered me for a long time, not since Pam anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good. But I still think it would be best if you returned to taking this medication on regular basis. Your outburst today is a clear example of that, don't you think?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel fine, Doctor Balis. I..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We had a deal." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right. However, I don't need them. But if you think I need them..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you, Decker. I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 8th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, October 30, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Doctor Balis. Sorry about last week. I didn't really want to cancel, but dad wanted to take me all over Northern California that day. He convinced me that one missed session wasn't going to send me on a killing spree." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's all right, Decker. I'm glad you called and let me know instead of just not showing up." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I think I've done that enough to you in the past." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So, how is your relationship going with your father?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's going okay, I guess. It's just that...I don't know...I have no idea what to talk to him about. He's a very successful man with lots of money that he's been throwing at me the entire time he was here. But money just isn't what I want from him. Don't get me wrong, Doc, it sure is helping quite a bit at the moment, but I think that's how he's trying to show me his love, and it's just not working." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you talk to him about that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I hardly had time to talk. He did all the talking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did he talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Basically, he talked about his life with Karen. They met in the summer of '68--you know, the summer of love? Anyway, Karen was a hippie, he said. From the time he met her, she was heavy into drugs like marijuana, LSD, and that sort of thing. He was going to school in California, and they just kind of hooked up. He said he was able to curb Karen's drug habits, however she just wouldn't give up marijuana. They ended up getting married in early August of 1970, because they found out Karen was pregnant with little old me. He said Karen smoked dope the entire pregnancy, and then I was born in April of '71. I guess that's when most of their problems started. He said Karen paid no attention to me--she acted like I never existed. He was the one that woke up in the middle of the night and fed me and changed my diapers. Anyway, to make a long story short, she wouldn't quit the drugs, so he left. When he tried to take me, she threatened to kill me and him. So he just left. He said he was afraid of her." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. How does that make you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I don't really know the man and never have. Life with Karen is all I ever knew. I can't really say how I feel. Sure, I'm a little angry with him for not fighting for me. But I don't really know if I would have had a better life with him. I get the impression that he works all the time, so he probably wouldn't have been there for me either. Maybe I just would've experienced less abuse with him. But I don't know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's more than just physical abuse, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, let's move on. I'm tired of talking about that. Plus, I have a couple of other things that I'd like to discuss with you before my session ends." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Decker. What's on your mind?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "First off, I said I would tell you about Pam. Hold onto your seat, Doctor, this is going to blow you away." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Shoot." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, like I said before, I stayed with Pam while I was in Chicago. First, she was a lot of fun. She took me to a lot of great places. We had fun. Then, she started to get a little frisky with me--holding my hand, giving me little pecks on the cheek, that sort of thing. Then one night, I was sleeping on the couch, and she came in and started playing with me. I didn't know what to do, so I acted like I was still asleep. One thing lead to another, and next thing I knew I was inside her. Very freaky, Doctor. I continued to act like I was asleep, which was very difficult. I just didn't know what to do. Anyway, she finished or I did--I don't really know who was first. Are you following me, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I think I know what you mean." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, the next morning, she asked me if I thought she was pretty. I told her that she was very pretty. She then took off her robe--she was completely naked. I instantly became aroused, and she noticed and took advantage of the fact. Doc, she did things to me that morning that I never thought of. It was very enjoyable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you use protection, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, there are a lot of diseases out there that can cause serious health problems like AIDS. These are transmitted..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "She promised me that she got checked every six months and that she was clean. She knew I was a virgin, so she wasn't concerned. And it just happened--I had no control over the situation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I could get tested, if you like. Anyway, this continued for the rest of the time that I was in Chicago. It was a fuck-fest, Doc. So when it came time to leave and come back here, Pam freaked out. She screamed and yelled about how I just used her for a little puss and then I was going to leave her. She went so far as to say I raped her. That's when I called you and said that I thought I might be in some trouble. I left that day and haven't heard from her since. For all I know, there's a warrant for my arrest in Chicago." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you rape her, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No! Not at all. If anything, she raped me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe you. But this can be very serious, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm not about to call her and ask if she went to the police with her story. I haven't heard anything, and dad said he hasn't heard anything. So I think I'm okay. None the less, I'm no longer a virgin, Doctor. Isn't that great?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm very happy for you. But I'm also concerned. I would like for you to get checked out--get tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. While I believe your story, Pam seems to be a very unstable individual. You might in fact be in trouble with Chicago's Police Department." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But I told you, no crime was committed. I didn't do anything!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And I believe that. Let's just wait and see what, if anything, develops. We'll deal with more when there's a need to deal with it. So let's move on for now. Is there something else you specifically wanted to discuss with me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, this is the exciting stuff. I met another woman. She's great and very beautiful. I met her at the bar. I went in to talk to Mr. Knopff, and she just approached me. She talked a lot. She likes baseball. She mentioned that there was some exhibit somewhere in town that had baseball stuff, and I agreed to meet her there. But there's a problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm a little nervous. I really like this girl--she's not like others. But I'm not sure if I'm going to go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why not?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just because I don't know what her intentions are. Besides, she probably won't even show up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't know that. I think you should go. If she's not there, fine. But if she does show up, you would have made another friend. It would be good if you had a friend to talk to. What's her name?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's the funny part--I met her before in the bar. Her name is Christina. Do you remember I was telling you about the girl that came in and ordered a Double Bock some time ago? Well, it was her. She looks slightly different, but as soon as I saw her, I knew it was her. I acted like I didn't remember her. I still don't know why I did that. I guess I was nervous. I think this can go somewhere, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's very interesting. But I think you shouldn't develop very high expectations from this relationship. Just a moment ago, you were telling me that you didn't even want to go to a date that you've already set up with this woman. And now, you're talking about a possible serious relationship. Take it easy. This is just a social encounter, nothing more. Go the baseball show and see what happens. Don't put any pressure on yourself or this woman, okay? Well, Decker, we're almost out of time. How is the medication coming?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm taking it, if that's what you're asking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Simian?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gone. I haven't heard from him for a few days." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And how's your mood been lately? Any bad feelings?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. Just a couple of downs, but nothing terrible." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good. Keep up with the medication, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I will. I promised you, and I keep my promises." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Do you have any more writings for me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Just one, though. Here it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. So do you want to make this time our regular time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I would, if you don't mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then I'll see you here next Thursday at 10 am." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll be here. Goodbye, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 9th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, November 6, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Decker. How are you this week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm feeling okay, just a little tired. I think I may be coming down with a cold. I'm not sure yet, though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did anything exciting happen this past week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. It was a fairly uneventful week. This may be a boring session for you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do you say that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I haven't had any flashbacks with Simian, or any rage outbursts, so I don't have anything that you can question. Actually, I felt like a normal human being this week. Kind of scary, huh?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you had a good week. How have you been sleeping lately?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I get about five to six hours a night. That's an eternity compared to what I used to get. Plus, the new place I got is really quiet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I've been meaning to ask you. You had an appointment to see an apartment. I guess it went well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It went really well. The man that showed me the place was very nice. He seemed to like me, and I definitely liked him. The place was a little run down, but I liked it. It's just a little loft with a nice view, and the other tenants in the building are mostly students. I've actually had a visitor since I've moved in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Already?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. He had a weird name. Telso, I think--he was kind of hard to understand. He had a Spanish accent. I mean a deep Spanish accent. He was nice, though. He just came up to welcome me. I thought that was very nice. I was watching a football game at the time, and he joined me. We had a couple of beers--which he brought--and had a good time. It was nice. I felt normal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I'm adjusting well. I feel more comfortable with people. I still don't talk as much as I would like to. But hey, I'm not complaining. I tried something new, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what would that be?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I wondered if I should tell you. I don't think you are going to like it too much, but what the hell. Promise me you won't bite my head off for this one. I just tried it. It's something I've always wanted to try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is it, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Telso and I smoked a joint." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. And what did you think?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A lot. I'm surprised, Doctor. I thought you would flip over this one." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm unhappy about it, Decker. But there's not much I can do about it in retrospect. I don't approve of recreational drug use. And especially in your situation, Decker, when you're taking risperidone, it can be very dangerous. I hope this will never happen again." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Drugs, Doctor? Let me tell you, the joint I smoked made me feel a hell of a lot better then the drugs you gave me. Doctor, let's not get angry here. I see it in your face. I'm just messing with you. I smoked the joint because I wanted to know what the big deal was. I found out. So now you shouldn't worry about me becoming a heroin addict or something--it's over and done with. Sometimes, I get the impression that you think I'm only a kid. I'm almost twenty-seven. Let me try these things, Doctor. I don't need to have you tell me the dangers. I already know what they are. I never had a chance to experiment with anything--sex, drugs, even rock and roll. Karen never let me even have a radio, let alone compact discs. I'm beginning to like my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand your desire to experiment with new things, Decker. But please keep in mind that you have a problem. What might be okay for some to try once, may have disastrous effects on you. You have to be a lot more careful than most. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't play the music you like, or have sex, or enjoy other types of entertainment. But you have to stay away from drugs and alcohol, too. Understand?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Thanks, Doc. Do you think we can cut this short? I really don't have anything that I need to discuss--I had a boring week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't think it's a good idea, Decker. We only see each other once a week, that's not a lot of time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know that therapy feels like hard work sometimes. But it is work and..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, I just don't want to. Okay? Nothing happened to me this last week..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what about your experiments with pot?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "God, it was nothing. I wish I didn't bother mentioning it to you. I've got to go now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what about your date with Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "See you next week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker? Decker!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 10th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, November 13, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Decker. How are you doing today? You look a little worn." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm doing okay. Actually, I don't feel too good. I have a bit of a headache, and my stomach is a little upset." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see...how late did you stay out last night, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What are you talking about? I didn't go out at all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay...how much did you drink then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're pretty good, Doctor. How did you know that I went out and drank?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You smell like a brewery. Decker, didn't anything I said to you last week sink in? Drinking combined with your medication may have serious adverse consequences." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's why I didn't take the medication yesterday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It doesn't work that way, Decker. You still have the medication in your system for some time after taking it. And stopping your medication, for any reason, is a bad idea in the first place. Even without the medication, drinking for you is not a good idea. You simply should not drink." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor Balis, I am a grown man. I think I should be able to make that decision on my own. You said yourself that I should try and get myself in the main stream, be a normal person. Normal people have a few drinks and take it a little too far sometimes. I can't promise you that I...Doctor can I have a glass of water, I'm a little dehydrated. I'll be right back...I think I'm going to be sick. Sorry about that; I can't seem to get the tequila taste out of my mouth. That's some nasty stuff." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't find this at all amusing. It is not safe. If you are getting sick from the amount of drinking you did last night, I don't think you took it a little too far--you took it way too far." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doctor, I get your point. It was a one time event all right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, Decker. I'll have to take your word for it. So did you at least have a good time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "As a matter of fact, I did. Telso and I had a great time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You went out with Telso?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. And no, I didn't smoke any pot with him, if that's your next question. We just had some beers and a few shots. Telso really knows how to have a good time. It was fun. I feel relaxed with him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Although I don't particularly agree with your actions, I'm glad that you are beginning to interact socially. You just need to be careful. Let's move on. How did your date with Chris go last week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was fantastic. She truly is a interesting person, and, wow, what a body!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You and Chris didn't...." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wish, but no, we didn't. We just went to the exhibit. I felt extremely comfortable there. I guess it's just because I had a lot to talk about. I think that is the most I have ever talked to anyone--except you, of course. She seemed extremely interested in what I had to say, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did you talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I did a lot of quoting statistics. She asked a lot of questions about teams and players and stuff like that. She sure doesn't know too much about baseball. She didn't realize that the Bay Area had two teams. Can you imagine that, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does it? Just kidding--the A's and the Giants, right? I'll bet there are a lot of women and a lot of men too, who wouldn't know that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Well, I gave her a run down of all the teams and what league and division they are in. Of course, some of them are going to change next year but I didn't mention that. She seemed a little confused about the divisions anyway and I didn't want to confuse her any more. I really like her, Doctor, and I think she may have the same feelings." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? What makes you think that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, after a while of walking around, I decided to make a move. I grabbed her hand and held it as we walked. She didn't let go so there must be something in that. Plus after a while, she put her arm in mine. It was very exciting, however I was too nervous to try and kiss her at the end of the date. May I be excused again, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you must. I don't want your tequila all over my floor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Again I'm sorry. I'm beginning to think that last night really wasn't such a good idea after all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you and Chris hit it off pretty good?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I like to think so. After the exhibit, we went to a restaurant and had a couple of drinks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker, I thought you said last night was a one time event?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I did. It was a one time event of drinking too much. We only had a few, Doctor. I didn't even get a buzz." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is still dangerous." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fine...no more drinking." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So are you and Chris going to see each other again?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I certainly hope so. Doctor, I really don't feel so good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, Decker. We'll end for today, but these short session have to stop. I schedule the sessions for an hour for a reason, Decker, and these short ones accomplish too little." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought that next week we'd start talking a little bit more about your childhood with Karen. You might want to think about that a little this week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My childhood. Fine. See you next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Decker. And no more drinking and take your medication. Decker, did you hear me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, Doctor Balis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 11th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, December 4, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello, Decker. You're late. How are you doing today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry about that. But I'm glad you're here, Doc...just glad you're here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh? And why is that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, you're going to think I'm an idiot after telling you this, but I forgot last Thursday was Thanksgiving." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Don't tell me you showed up for your session last week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "As a matter of fact..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Decker. I should have called you and..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I would have known it was canceled, if I'd used my brain. But I was just going through the motions of a Thursday morning, and it never even crossed my mind until I went to pull open the front door and it was locked. At first, I was a little confused, but then I realized everything else was closed too. Let me tell you, I felt like a dope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you can laugh about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it is kind of funny. The people walking by probably thought I was a lunatic--I kept trying to pull the door open wondering why the damn thing was locked. Then when it hit me, I turned around and there was some guy walking by, and I just said, \"Oh shit, it's Thanksgiving.\" He looked at me kind of strange and kept walking. Then I burst into laughter." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what did you do for Thanksgiving?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not a damn thing. Just sat in my apartment and watched football. I had a ham sandwich with potato chips for lunch and then channel surfed all day and night. It was rather relaxing--not a worry in my mind that day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's good. Did you feel lonely?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "After the childhood I've had, a quiet holiday was very refreshing. Not a soul bothered me. And I didn't have to be on my best behavior, worrying if I would say or do something that would result in me getting smacked on the side of the head with a spoon or fist or whatever was handy. It was an enjoyable day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. I wanted to ask you why you canceled our last session?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I had to bail Telso out of jail. He got arrested on some drug charges. They found a bunch of cocaine on him the night before during a routine traffic stop. I guess this is like the third or fourth time he's been arrested for it, so he's pretty afraid of getting some jail time this time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Whatever, it's really not my concern." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do I hear some animosity there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You could say that. It cost me a fortune to get him out of jail, and he promised to pay me back that day after he did a few things. I haven't seen him since. I don't know where he is. I don't really care either, although I would like the money back. If he jumps bail, it's my ass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Decker. I hope you get your money back. Anyway, I was hoping to talk a bit about your childhood. Do you think you're up for it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure, what's the hell. There really isn't much to tell. I got hit a lot, and I never got anything. Karen always did what she wanted to do. She never even thought about me, unless she thought I did something that deserved a nice beating. Sometimes, I got one just because she felt like hitting something. I guess I was softer then the wall." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have any fond memories of Karen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Other than seeing her get beat up herself? Not really." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Was Karen abused as well?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Karen didn't bring home the local preacher from down the street, you know. The guys she brought home for dinner liked to eat, fuck, and then beat.Well, most of them, anyway. Some of them would hit me, too. A lot of the time, it was Karen who was the one that asked them to do it. She would tell them that she could not control me and that I needed a good beating by a man. They were more than happy to do it, if they knew there was a good blow job in it for them. Karen never hid her sexual relations from me. She would do it anywhere. A lot of the time, I would get hit by the men because I would walk out and see them making it on the kitchen table or something. Guys don't like other guys watching them fuck a woman, even if the woman is a trashy whore." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you like any of the men that Karen brought home?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not too many of them ever came back for seconds. I doubt if Karen even knew most of their names, and I'm sure they didn't care to know hers. Occasionally, she'd have a man that stayed around for awhile. They were few and far between. But there was this one guy, Ralph was his name if I remember correctly. He stayed for about a week and a half. He lived with us during that time. I guess you can call this a fond memory of Karen. During that time, she was nice to me. She made dinner every night, and we all sat at the table and ate. It was very strange to do that, though. I remember thinking that Karen was trying to make this guy think that we were one big happy family, and that she was trying to find someone who would love her and her wonderful son. It was all an act of course, but it was a great week. The three of us would actually go to the movies and do family stuff like that. I knew it wouldn't last long, because Karen would fuck it up somehow." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Ralph and I were at home one night watching TV or something, and I remember Ralph was pretty pissed. Karen was supposed to be home from work, but she wasn't. Ralph threw me in the car and told me to take him to where she worked. So I did. He went in, and about five minutes later, we were driving to some guy's house. Ralph told me to wait in the car, and he got something out of the trunk. Then he went into the house. I heard this gunshot a few minutes later. I jumped out of the car because I was very scared. Ralph came out alone, jumped in the car, and sped off. I hid in the bushes for what seemed like forever, then I decided to go inside. I saw Karen sitting on the bed naked. She was covered--and I mean totally covered--in blood. There was another naked body laying on the floor. The only difference was that his head was missing. Now that I think back, his head was splattered all over Karen." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How old were you then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "About eleven or twelve." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Had Simian made his appearance yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, I don't remember. No, I don't think so. But if he wasn't there then, it was very soon after." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So what happened to Ralph?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. Karen never spoke of him again, and I never saw him again. Karen was messed up for a long time after that. She would go into hysterics in the middle of the night. She started drinking more and doing drugs. That's when the beatings really started, and I started to stay in my room all the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did Karen hit you before this time at all?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, but not nearly as much or as bad." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I survived, though...not without having my own problems." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's why you come to see me, so we can work through these problems. We don't have much time left, so let's change the subject for now. Have you talked to Chris?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, with the holidays and all, I think she has been busy with the family and that sort of thing. I may call her this week. It would be nice to see a pretty face. Not that you're not a handsome man, Doctor, but I kind of like her figure better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have quite the sense of humor, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, we're about out of time. Is there anything else you'd like to quickly discuss?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not that I can think of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right then, I'll see you next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor Balis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Monday, April 28th, 1997 at 6:06 pm.\nHello, this is Dr. Balis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello Doctor. This is Decker Jenkins. I'm glad I got a hold of you before you went home." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well hello, Decker. How are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry Doctor, I didn't catch everything; it's pretty loud in here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll speak a little louder then. Where are you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm at work, Doctor. I'm on break right now and I thought I'd give you a call." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is everything all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I'm fine. It's just that I'm a little concerned about the medication you gave me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you did get the medication then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes I did. I went and bought the prescriptions on my way home from our last session. Oh, by the way, I apologize for canceling the other day. It's just work really needed me to unload the liquor shipment that morning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Try to make it next time, okay Decker? I think our therapy sessions are very important." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll be there Thursday, I promise. I've already told work that it is imperative that I not miss my sessions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So then the people at work know that you are coming to see me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course, Doctor. How did you think I heard about you? Mr. Knopff, my boss, told me about you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought you said Simian led you to me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well after Mr. Knopff told me about you, Simian had...I guess you'd call it a premonition, that you were the man to see. So Simian was the one who pushed me to go. Mr. Knopff just initiated the meeting." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Well that's something we can discuss in your session. Let's get to the reason you called. You said that you were concerned about the medication? Have you started taking it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, like I said, I got the prescriptions on my way home the day you gave them to me. However, I didn't start taking them until just a couple of days ago. You know how I am, Doctor, I had to think it through with Simian before I took them. He...well, of course, he didn't want me to take them. He told me that I would always be high, I wouldn't be able to concentrate--you know, that sort of thing. He did scare me a little; that's why it took me so long to take them. But I finally decided that I really need help, and if this is supposed to help, then I'd give it a shot. Mr. Knopff also told me that if it didn't work, then I would know, so why not? Mr. Knopff also said that the side effects can't be that bad or else you wouldn't have given them to me. Well, I trust you, Doctor, and Mr. Knopff seemed to make sense, so I started taking them. I've followed the directions as to when to take them, and how many. I follow it exactly, and I have been for a couple of days. The only problem is, nothing has changed. I feel the same. I worry about the same stupid stuff and I dwell in thought. Simian is still there as much as he ever was. As a matter of fact, he's screaming at me right now, telling me to get off the phone because I have to get back to work. I'm just afraid the stuff isn't working." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just give it a little more time. This medicine will take a couple of weeks to do be fully effective. I think that you'll see results very soon. I didn't really have a chance to explain to you that the medicine would take some time to work, and I should have. But I'm very glad that you've started. Give it a little more time, Decker. And I don't think that you'll have to worry about feeling high--you'll just feel better and Simian will leave you alone more often, okay? So will you keep taking the medicine for me, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course, Doctor. I'm sorry for calling you like this, but it's been bothering me today and I knew if I didn't call you, I would think about it until our session." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I'm glad you called. I was a little concerned when you didn't show up the other day." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm okay, Doctor. I'm not going to kill myself or anything just yet--I'll be there Thursday. I promise." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right Decker, I'll see you Thursday then. Goodbye, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor Balis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, May 15, 1997 at 11:00 am.\nHello. Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dr. Balis? This is Decker..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker! Where are you? I've been extremely worried about you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, Doctor. I'm in some serious trouble. I think I'm going to die here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Slow down, Decker. I need to know what's going on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let me try and explain. First of all, your drugs aren't doing shit. I take them and take them and Simian is still here. And they've made me lose my sense of time. There are a few hours of my life that I can't remember. But the worst is that I think they've made me do something really, really bad. You can take your drugs and shove them up your professional ass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We can talk about the drugs, Decker. But what was really, really bad?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Your fucking drugs landed me in jail. I can't think straight when I'm on those things. Weird shit happens and I don't know how to deal with it. You made me a murderer, Doctor. Very professional. Where the hell did you get your degree from anyway, Asshole University?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's stop the name calling, Decker. Let's figure out what to do. Do you have a lawyer? Can you talk to me privately without incriminating yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry Doctor, it's just I don't know what's going on. I am in jail because I turned myself in. I turned myself in because Karen is dead." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh my. You turned yourself in? Did you kill Karen, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Calm down, Decker. Let's try and sort this out. Where did you go after your fight with Karen on Wednesday?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "How many times do you want me to say it...I don't remember." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, Decker, do you think you killed Karen?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know, I could have. I just...it's all blank." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, this is what I want you to do. Let me try and work this out for you. You need to hold steady for a while. I will call the police and try to help you get out of there. Have they actually arrested you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know...when I told them that I think I might have done it, they asked me to go down to the station with them. I did and I've been here ever since. Doctor, they are making me get off the phone. I need to get out of here....I'm so fucking confused. Did I kill her, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well that's something we will try and figure out, Decker. Just hang tight; I'll help you but you need to try to relax. And get a lawyer. Don't talk to the police again without a lawyer. All right, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doctor, but please hur..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker? Decker, are you there? Hello?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Dr. Charles Balis, M.D. and Sgt. Vincent Andrews of the San Francisco Police Department\nHello, is this Vincent Andrews?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, I'm Dr. Charles Balis. I understand that you're the person who handles the medical needs of the prisoners in the city jail?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm the Health Officer for the Incarceration Division, yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. I'm the treating psychiatrist for Mr. Decker Jenkins, who you've got in custody." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right, the boy who killed his mother." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sergeant Andrews, please understand that I'm not calling to talk about the facts of his case, but I'm very concerned about Decker's emotional state. Decker recently came into my care and he's suffering from Active Phase Schizophrenia. I'm afraid he's at risk for suicide as well. I'd recommend that Decker be placed on a suicide watch and I would also recommend that he continue to get the medication which I prescribed." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What was that, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The medication? It was risperidone. I prescribed 6 milligrams daily. And vitamin E, 1200 units." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. We'll make sure he gets it. And thanks for the tip, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean that's it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We're not animals here, Doctor. If the boy's psychiatrist says he needs some medication, we'll make sure he gets it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I didn't mean to offend. I was just expecting that I would have to go through a lot of paperwork or something." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll fill out the requisition for you. And you didn't prescribe a narcotic or something that has any particular resale value inside, you know? And we'll keep close watch on Decker. We had noticed that he had emotional problems." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course, I understand." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Was that it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Uh, who is representing Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You mean an attorney? Decker's being represented by the public defender's office." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does he have a specific attorney?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know if one has been assigned yet. But I'll give you their number and they can tell you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, thanks." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's 553-1671. Area code 415." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you very much. You've been very helpful." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what we're here for. Good afternoon, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Monday, June 9, 1997 at 11:00 am.\nDr. Balis please?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is Dr. Balis. Can I help you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dr. Balis? This is Decker...Decker Jenkins. Do you remember me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course, Decker! How are you? It's been a few weeks since we last talked. Are you doing all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, Doctor, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. I'm sorry that it has taken so long for me to get in touch with you. It's just that I had the scare of my life and I didn't know where to turn or go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can understand that Decker, but I've told you in the past that you can call me at any time for any reason." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know, Doctor, everyone says that. But how many people really mean it? Most people are just trying to be nice, that's all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well that may be, but I am being sincere when I say that you can turn to me, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I would like to thank you for helping me while I was in jail." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I really didn't do anything, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure you did. You made sure that the jail people gave me my medication." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I really felt you needed it, especially since you were in jail and the stress and fear must have been unbearable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it really wasn't all that bad now that I look back on it. They treated me very nicely. I don't think they thought I did it from the very beginning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then why do you think they kept you in jail?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because I kept insisting that I did do it. They pretty much had to convince me that I didn't. The more time I spent in there, and the more medication I took, the more relaxed I became and I began to think rationally. I realized that I am generally a decent person. Maybe I have a few problems--maybe even a few more than the average person. But I wouldn't kill a fly, let alone kill Karen. It was pretty ridiculous to think that I could have killed her now that it's all over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're out of jail, I assume." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's correct, Doctor. I was only in for about three days. Before you ask your next question, let me answer it for you. I spent the rest of the time floating around the city. Sleeping in alleys and homeless shelters. I didn't want to go back to Karen's house. I mean, after all, she did get murdered there and I didn't need the fear of her ghost haunting me. So I roamed the city. I saw many people with a lot worse problems than I have. I decided to go talk to Mr. Knopff. I didn't know if he would be mad at me about ditching him and all that, but I had to know if I at least still had a friend." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He accepted me with open arms. It's truly a great feeling when you know that someone in this world cares. He's letting me stay with him in his apartment above the bar. It's nothing real fancy--just a two bedroom apartment with a kitchen and a nice little living area. I think I could call it home for a while. He also let me have my job back on the condition that I continue to see you. So I guess that's why I'm calling--to ask you if I can begin to talk to you again?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Certainly, Decker. I never considered you a former patient. I was hoping you would call soon. I've been worried about you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, let me reassure you, Doctor, that I'm fine. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good. Simian is all but non-existent these days. He only bothers me once in a while and that is very comfortable. Karen's no longer breathing down my back nor is Simian. It's rather refreshing. I somehow feel like I have more energy. I'm not fighting with my mind anymore. However, I do feel I still have long way to go. I need to be able to interact with society and I'd like to find a girlfriend. I know that sounds funny to you, Doctor, but I have never had a girlfriend and I'd like to experience that before God decides to take me. It's just that I have all these goals that I want to achieve and I feel I need your help. Does this make any sense to you, Dr. Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course it does, and I am very willing to help you reach those goals, Decker. It's great to hear that you're focused on achieving and correcting the problems that you have. However, there are a few things I'd like to ask you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Dr. Balis. Sure, ask away." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I need to know if you are still having thoughts of killing yourself." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not at all, Doctor. Like I told you before, that's a \"last measure\" type of thing. I am a long, long way from that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That is very good to hear. May I ask how it is that you were cleared of Karen's murder?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, that's sort of a long story. If you don't mind I'd rather get into that during my sessions." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That should be fine. Again, I'd like to thank you Doctor just for being there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes Doctor. I'll be there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Great. Goodbye, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Dr. Balis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Thursday, October 2, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello? This is Dr. Balis. Is there any one there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello? Could you speak up, please? I'm having a very difficult time hearing you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, I hope you remember me, because I really need your help again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who is this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's Decker. Decker Jenkins." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Decker Jenkins? How are you? It sure has been a long time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess it has. I don't really know. Time doesn't seem to exist for me any more. However, it does seem like it has been a long summer--almost a lifetime." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you mean, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, a lot has happened since I stormed out of your office last. I was a very angry young man at that time. Things have changed for me recently. Well, there was some change at least." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you give me a for instance?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well first, before I begin to tell all, I need to know if I can begin my sessions with you again?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll be happy to see you again, Decker. But there can be no more disappearances--no more storming out of my office and cutting off all communication for months at a time, understand? Now, if that's acceptable..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I've learned that there are no guarantees in life, so I can't promise that will never happen again. But I can tell you, Doctor, that I have no intention of going through hell and back again. I will do everything in my power to keep my end of the bargain." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Now, Decker, you sound very down. Are you all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I will feel much better as soon as I get back there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Where are you, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm in Chicago. I've been here for a while now. I found my father, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In Chicago?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I also found out a lot about why I am the way I am. I realize now...I mean I fully realize that the only way for me to survive in this world is to have help from people. The only problem is that I don't trust anyone. Except you, of course. You have done nothing but good for me. I don't understand why anyone would want to do good by me, but you have nonetheless." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were others that wanted to help you, Decker. Your boss...uh, I don't remember..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Knopff? He means well, I guess. But after what I did, I doubt he will be speaking to me again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. It seems we have a lot to talk about." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, Doctor, we do. And I would like to start as soon as possible. I will be back in San Francisco tomorrow. If it is all right with you, I would like to start as soon as I get back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you in trouble, Decker?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "When I get back, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We can meet Tuesday, October 7th, at 11 am." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That'll be fine. Thank you, Doctor Balis. Goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Decker Jenkins, Wednesday, December 10, 1997 at 3:00 pm.\nHello, this is Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor. This is Decker." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just wanted to telephone you and let you know that I wouldn't be there tomorrow morning. It seems that my father was killed in a car accident early this morning. I'm going to Chicago to work out the arrangements. I should be back for my session next week. I'm sorry if this is a problem for you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm very sorry, Decker. Of course it's not a problem. I'll see you when you get back. Are you doing all right?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, considering I no longer have any family, I'm doing okay. I'm just glad I didn't get to know him real well; do you know what I mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I think I do. Well, I hope you know that I'm available to talk to you by phone, if you need me. If not, then I'll see you next week. And I am very sorry, Decker." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor. I'll give you the details next week. Goodbye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Decker. Take care." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alan Kurtz, Friday, August 8, 1997 at 3:00 pm.\nMr...uh, Doctor Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. You must be Mr. Kurtz." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Thanks for seeing me. Is there...hmm. Is there a particular seat?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please sit anywhere you like." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You must do group therapy--all these chairs. Anyway, as I said on the phone, I'm looking for something fairly specific out of all this. I'm not looking for a long-term commitment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see that makes you smile." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What? Oh. Well, commitment is why I'm here. I'm curious about why my relationships don't last for more than a few months. I've discussed it with friends, but they don't seem to have these issues. So I figured I can let SII pay to bounce things off you for a few weeks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean \"these issues?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dating. Or not dating, as the case may be. Most of my friends are in long-term relationships. I'm more of the three-months-and-out type." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you are with someone for three months and then?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Out. They usually start getting a little weird, I say something to try and cool things down, and the next thing I know, my calls aren't getting returned." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm, you say something to cool things down?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "This therapy thing is a little like talking to an echo, isn't it? Aren't you supposed to ask me about what I do and stuff?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We're here to talk about whatever you want to talk about. But knowing what you do is good, too. You told me on the phone that you work for SII." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm an engineer. I've been with SII since graduation, and I interned here for the last two summers before that. I'm doing my MBA--SII's good about paying for grad school, if you want to do something they think will benefit the company. A lot of people are hanging in there until they get the degree. Then they go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Will you leave SII when you have your MBA?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Huh? Wait. What we say here...this is a doctor-patient privilege thing, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. Anything you say to me is covered by doctor-patient privilege, unless I thought you were either an imminent danger to yourself or to others." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Leaving SII would be about as far from harm as it gets. Yeah, when I have the degree I'm gone. That's fine; they get their pound of flesh while I'm on staff. I put in plenty of time!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would guess that being an engineer at a company like SII is quite a job." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They're all nuts. I do usability engineering--how to make our products easier for Joe Enduser to navigate. Talk about a no-win situation!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's my job to make this stuff idiot-proof. But you have no idea of the caliber of idiots out there! If people would just apply two seconds' thought to some of these things. They don't read, they don't look at graphics, and they don't know how to use their computers. People are incredibly stupid, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "People often have difficulty understanding new concepts." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They aren't trying! This stuff isn't brain surgery. No wonder I'm not in a relationship. Most people just aren't able to keep up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Now that's what I call therapy--one session and we're to the root of the problem. People are idiots." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, I think we may need to explore that idea a bit further. It's an interesting conclusion, but I'm not sure it's going to help matters." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. Typical. Logical statements make no headway in this world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are the things you say to \"cool things down\" fairly logical?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course they are." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you tell me more?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well...there's really not much to them. I say...for instance, this last time, I told my girlfriend that she needed to get her act together. She'd been whining about switching jobs and getting a new apartment for two months. She hadn't done a thing to make that happen! I told her that I didn't want to hear any more whining. She got really upset and...boom. I get really sick of having to take care of people like that, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Boom?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, she jumps out of bed and starts wailing. And we were in the middle of...uh, never mind. So I've got another ex to deal with." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you mean, to deal with?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I work on keeping in touch with my ex-girlfriends. I've got loans out to three of them, and I told one of them she could move into my spare room if she was tired of her current boyfriend." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has she moved in?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. But I offered! My ex--my current ex--got really pissed about that. But even my other ex, she just wants to whine about this guy she's with. Hey, I offered! But people are idiots. Situation reduces to the previous problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You made the offer before your latest break-up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. It's my house! And I make plenty of money. I'm doing better than everyone I know. That's why I'm doing this therapy. All my friends are flakes. They're in the arts and completely broke; I'm always paying for them. I can afford to get these things cleared up by a professional. I could afford this even if SII wasn't paying." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I figure I'm okay--I'm just fine. I'm basically looking for a way of dealing with these people. I get tired of investing time in these things and hearing the same garbage after three months." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, I can help you to discover patterns that may be occurring in these relationships. And I believe I can help you to break the patterns you choose to break." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't need fixing, Doctor. I need to figure out how to deal with these people. I'm obviously missing something important--some kind of cue that would let me know right off the bat who's insane. Because I clearly have some kind of maniac magnet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Maniac magnet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I attract these maniacs--these women who just can't cope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let's work to get a handle on what the patterns may be. From there, you'll choose how to proceed. I'm not here to fix anyone; I help you to do the work on your own." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fair enough. Let's see. We covered the situation at hand and you have the basics on my job. Anything else you need from me today?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We can discuss anything you like." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. Tell you what. We have a few minutes left, but I don't have anything on deck for you. Why don't I take off a bit early, and when we meet again I'll come in with a list of topics? That seems more efficient. At one hour once a week, I hate to waste your time or mine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you'd like to come in next time with topics to discuss, that's fine. But I suggest you come in with just one as a starting point. Allowing discussion to unfold from there is usually more productive than trying to stick to an agenda. Tight scheduling tends to leave loose ends." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I hate loose ends. We definitely speak the same language here, Doctor. But we need to schedule our meetings, right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. Let's choose a weekly appointment time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you know that SII has no female therapists on their list of recommended practitioners? Weird. You'd think that in this part of the world..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you're uncomfortable talking to me, I can write you a referral to another doctor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. No, this is fine. Let's see how this goes for now. Anyway, how does your schedule look? I prefer afternoons if that's convenient." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This time is open next week. Would you like to meet next Friday at three?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let me check. Sorry, I really live through this organizer. It'll just take a minute to boot up. Fridays are a good bet though. Yes, that works. See you next week, then?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week it is." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good. See you then." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alan Kurtz, Friday, August 15, 1997 at 3:00 pm.\nI'm extremely busy today, Doctor Balis. I may need to leave early." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Mr. Kurtz. I understand that scheduling problems arise, but we cut our previous session a bit short. I think you'll find our time more productive if you can keep your schedule clear for our hour." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's fine, but I'm in the middle of a damn firefight at work. I can't exactly drop everything for a meeting with you. Anyway, I'm here. Let's get to it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, let's get started. I understand that a company like SII can impose some tight deadlines on projects." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This isn't a project deadline. This is politics. Somebody in the department is screwing with me, and I need to do some damage control." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How so?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "SII has just instituted this high-level management retreat. They select someone from each department and send them to the Bahamas for a fast-tracker event with Lloyd and some of the other heads of the company. It's a good opportunity to get yourself out there in front." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So apparently George--this is the usability unit's liaison--was supposed to be on top of this for our people. I heard about this on Monday morning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "About the program?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, about my not being selected from the usability group. Apparently there was a big presentation on Friday, and the person from my group--for God's sake! George apparently just nominated the guy who's been in the department the longest. I'm screwed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So the person who is going on the retreat is someone who's been in the department longer than you have." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly. Richard is an idiot--no concept of how to run the tests we do. Statistically unusable stuff. His reports are all anecdote and no facts. But he's been there for six years, so there you go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you believe that the award was given strictly on the basis of seniority." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, that or he's Lloyd's new buddy. Maybe George figures if someone in the department is screwing the big guy--well, so much for me in that case." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're currently regarding this as a fire that you have to fight?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor Balis, you've clearly never worked in an office before in your life. There's no way George can back out of this without losing face, but I'm going to damn well be on that trip next year. I think I've made that clear. And there may be an angle that will get me on the trip from another department. I'm doing some checking. But this isn't going to happen again. I'm looking into the nomination process and I'm drafting a memo on how George can improve it next year." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Those are two ways of handling the situation. Have you talked with George? What did he say?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I haven't talked to him. I want this all on paper." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Except the other-department angle. My assistant is looking into that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your assistant is helping on this project?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "She's technically the group assistant, but no one else knows how to manage staff around there. Fairly common amongst engineers--no one wants to be the manager. Even George. Otherwise this wouldn't have happened." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So I was making some notes on the way over. I wanted to run some things by you that I've noticed over the past few relationships. Ideally we can narrow down this business and get to some strategies for weeding out the losers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah yes--the maniac magnet." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good memory. Or are you keeping notes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I do keep confidential notes of all our sessions in your patient file. It helps me to see our progress and, as you put it, to work out strategies for making our time productive." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Patient? That's a funny word, Doctor. I'm not here to be treated for something. I explained to you why I'm here. I'm seeking your professional opinion on a situation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And I'm here to help you clarify that situation. The file helps me keep track of where we are in the process." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. I may want to see these files one day. Anyway, the maniac magnet. Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd be interested in hearing your notes thus far, Mr. Kurtz. If you like I can even keep a copy on file. It may help us document the situation and your thoughts." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The notes are in my organizer. But I could print them out at some point." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That would be good. Anyway, I am interested." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The first thing I noticed is that all the women in question have a problem with accepting advice. They're generally intelligent, but they don't go beyond a certain point." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is advice you're giving them that they aren't accepting?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. They don't have any problems telling me all about what's wrong. I'm a very good listener. Hell, I end up listening to them after they get new boyfriends. But they don't hear a thing I say. Doesn't matter what--career stuff, friends, money, whatever. They vent and then they do what they damn well please." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And they're seeking advice in these conversations?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I see things more clearly than they do. I'm only telling them how things are and what they can do to make things better. Anyway, that's item one. Item two--something about these women makes them afraid, or something, to better themselves. Or it may be that they just don't know what they want. Even the most career-driven ones get sidetracked, and even the ones who say they want what I want..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what do you want?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Family, house, money--the usual. But none of them do the things you have to do to get those things." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you have to do to get those things?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Get your act together! Grow up! Get a real job! Get a real place to live! I've already ruled out seeing anyone with roommates, by the way. I'm not dating anyone who still lives like they're back in the dorms. I'm not going back to anyone's place and finding their roommate's dirty laundry all over the bathroom. What is it about women living together that makes them so messy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, may I ask something about the women you date? Is there an age range, generally speaking?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I usually date women my age or younger. I see where you're going, Doctor. It's not like they're just starting out. And it doesn't take that much initiative to afford a decent apartment." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's funny about the messiness. Most of them do just fine when they're in my apartment. I've had girlfriends that cleaned my apartment and still went back home to complete disasters. I think that most of them just appreciated being in a nice place. But they could try harder to pull themselves together, wouldn't you think?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "People often have different priorities for different parts of their lives." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's part of the problem, isn't it? Set a priority and act accordingly. How hard can that be?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are there any more observations on your list?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not yet. Like I said, I've had other things to think about. But this seems like a start. Preliminary thoughts, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think it's good for you to continue your list. I'd like to suggest, though, that you add a second set of observations. As you pick out these patterns, I'd like you to note your own reactions to each situation, as it happened." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you're seeking patterns, it's good to have the context for each event." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm here. My responses have been very logical in every case." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But every case will be different, since every person is different. And your reactions may differ subtly--after all, you'd be responding to different words, from different people, and in different circumstances. The fuller the picture we have of each occurrence, the better we'll be able to tease out a pattern. And as patterns develop, it will be easier to work backward and find what these incidents have in common." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh. Well, that makes sense." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe in this case you're seeking anecdotal evidence." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah, well, thank you, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're welcome. Speaking of data-gathering, how long have you been dating?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Since college. On and off since then. After I moved to San Francisco in 1993, I was tightly focused on work for the first year or so, and there wasn't time to meet people. SII was in a mess; they needed me to get them up to speed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you're not from the area?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I am. I grew up in Marin County and I did my undergrad at Berkeley. I was talking to Bill and Larry after that, but SII was hot for me after seeing my internships and made the move worthwhile. There just aren't many people who can do what I do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill and Larry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Gates. Ellison. Microsoft and Oracle. They were offering a bundle, too--great stock options. But my visibility would have been nothing. At a place like SII, I can move fairly fast, and then go into a senior position with all the perks after I have the MBA." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is your family still in the area?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I see them a few times a year. There's not much up there that's interesting to me, but they're always glad to have me home. I was on the phone with my father quite a bit a few months ago getting him set up on e-mail. I told him that that was the best way to reach me, generally speaking, so they trotted out and bought a computer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you were talking him through the process of using his e-mail, I take it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hand-holding. Same as work. I finally called my sister and told her to get up there and put it together. Told her she could earn her keep. I send her an allowance each month at school; I figure this is fair payback." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I take it your sister's in school in the area." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, she's at Reed, up in Portland. But she has her car and she had two weeks between the end of school and her job up there." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Quite a drive." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I took her out to dinner when she got into the city. We needed to discuss her major. Reed is a liberal-arts college, as you probably know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. An excellent one as I understand it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "She'll be the best-educated burger-flipper at McDonald's. What do you do with a degree in philosophy?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What was your degree in?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Computer science. One trip to the career center and it's not too hard to figure out the major to have in this economy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anyway, we're sidetracked. And I need to go back to the office." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We have a few minutes left, Mr. Kurtz. I'd like to give you another item to consider during the week, as you develop the list and your observations." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a very busy time right now, Doctor, as I said. I really should be out of here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We're almost done. As you work out your list, it will be helpful to have collateral notes on where you met your girlfriends and how the relationships began. Sometimes the seeds of trouble are sown early." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right. And now I'm leaving. Goodbye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Same time next week, Mr. Kurtz?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Assuming nothing is happening at work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Mr. Kurtz. See you next week." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alan Kurtz, Friday, August 29, 1997 at 3:00 pm.\nDoctor Balis, I presume." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Mr. Kurtz. It's good to see you this week. But I would have appreciated some notice last week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I'm sorry about that. I actually meant to come in. Quite a bit has happened since I've talked to you, though--lots of good changes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem to be in an excellent mood today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. They've just promoted my assistant. It's going to be inconvenient for me, but having one of my own move up in the department...well, it's good in the long run." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds like good news for her." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Certainly. She'll be a junior researcher now. As a matter of fact, it's not much of a stretch at all; I've been having her do a lot of my legwork for several months. The title only makes it official. It will actually cut down on her workload--once she's trained her successor, she can focus on the research portion of what she's already doing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is the woman who has been the group's assistant?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, yes. She interned with us for two summers and has been working here for about a year since graduation. It's very much like my career path, as far as that goes. I'm not thrilled at the idea of dealing with a new assistant, but as long as the training is included in Susan's new responsibilities, I suppose I'll manage. Maybe I can even task her with some of the things that Susan wasn't handling. I should confirm with George that I'm available to interview the candidates when they start coming in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Last week you mentioned that your assistant was helping you to research a department award. Is this the same person?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, that's her. That's an excellent point. I need to make sure she wraps that up before she gets started on her new responsibilities. Funny you mention that. I noticed earlier in the week that she was spending a lot of time in George's office with the doors closed. I'd explained to her that our little project wasn't for George's ears, so I admit I was a little concerned to see her spending so much time in there. This explains it all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Susan will still be working in the section that George supervises. Is George the supervisor for the entire Usability lab?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. As the group's assistant, she has always technically reported to George, but now it's more direct. I don't have direct responsibility for her now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So Susan is moving from being your assistant to being your colleague." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wouldn't go that far. She's still a junior member of the team. And since she was my assistant, I expect a bit of a boost out of it myself. All boats rise with the tide, as they say. I'm taking her to dinner tonight to celebrate." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds like a friendly thing to do." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, we're definitely friendly. Now that she's no longer just on the support staff, we can...well, we've eaten enough late dinners in the office I think. And I think this may just take care of our little problem too, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know this girl very well. She's level-headed and a real go-getter. Perfect girlfriend material, wouldn't you say? I figure we go out somewhere quiet tonight and...well, celebrate. Probably somewhere quiet in the city. I don't think we need to let this be known around SII just yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, have you discussed this with her? It sounds like you're interested in moving beyond a purely professional relationship with Susan." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, sure. Now that she's not just a staff secretary...and understand that it's not such a stigma at SII as it might be elsewhere. There's a lot of interoffice dating in our industry. A lot of smart people who want to see other smart people. We tend to understand each other's schedules and what we're talking about when we talk about work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So I've heard. But my question is whether you and Susan have an understanding, I suppose. I don't have to tell you that dating in the workplace is fraught with peril in the 90s." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's what I'm telling you, Dr. Balis. I know her very well. She's entirely sane. What are you getting at?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was explaining..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Are you accusing me of some kind of sexual harassment, Dr. Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not accusing you, but I'm pointing out that it's an issue, Mr. Kurtz, of which you should be aware. If you and Susan haven't..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can't believe this! Who the hell do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, sit down." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fuck you. Fuck you, Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're angry, Mr. Kurtz. But it's in your best interest to consider the many facets of this situation you're entering into." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't know what you're talking about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Kurtz, if you're wrong about what Susan's intentions are, you could be opening yourself up to risk--career-endangering risk. Are you willing to risk your career for this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "This...this is not a career risk. This is my assistant. This is someone I've been working with since she was a college intern. This is not some ball-busting feminist. She wants this promotion and she wants to make a career for herself at SII. And to answer your question, as a matter of fact, I have excellent reason to think she's as interested in pursuing this as I am. You! You in your office here, sitting around waiting for people to come whining about whatever. You don't know what a high-pressure job is like. We work together, Dr. Balis, we work together and we spend ten, twelve, fourteen hours a day sometimes in the office together. You think I don't see her enough to know what's going on here?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe you came to me to ask my advice on this very topic." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I came in to ask your professional advice to sort out the weirdos, the unstable ones. But I've had months, years of time to observe her. I know her. I hear about her life and her friends and her weekends. I know plenty about her. And I know how she acts around me. I don't need your advice, Doctor Balis. I have empirical evidence. I have observations and data, Doctor. If I wanted a system, this is as good as it gets." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you wanted a system. Mr. Kurtz, the question we've left unasked is whether the scientific method applies in matters of the heart. You've been working to increase your understanding of what's happening in your life, and that's a worthy goal. But the question that's been left unexamined is how these insights can be best applied." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look, I need to cut this short. I told Susan I wanted to speak with her at the end of the day. That's when I'm asking her to dinner." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you haven't asked her yet." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope that everything works out for the best, Mr. Kurtz. And I'd suggest that you have time to think this over carefully. There's no hurry; congratulations and even dinner could certainly take place next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I am having dinner with Susan tonight, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In any case let's schedule our next appointment. Same time next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think so, Doctor. I explained to you that our mission is accomplished. I don't see any need to continue this process." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Well, Mr. Kurtz, I must admit that I'm curious to see if this approach works, and as I said, I sincerely hope you're right in this. I do suggest that a follow up meeting is in order." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll call you to schedule. I'm not committing to anything here and now. Goodbye, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have a good weekend, Mr. Kurtz." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, January 20, 1997 at 4:00 pm.\nHello. Mr. Landau? Please come in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There's nothing wrong with me, you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "There's nothing wrong with me. I think this is a waste of time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's okay if you feel that way. But would you like to sit down? We can at least talk in comfort." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're actually going to do it, aren't you? You want me to break down and tell you all about myself and then you're going to tell me it's all right for me to feel that way. And then God knows what." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would hope our time here is led by your needs." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And I suppose you know better than I what my needs are." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not the idea. Please, won't you sit down?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh...yes, all right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. I'm Dr. Charles Balis." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Look, I've got work to do. I don't need treatment. I don't need to talk things over and discover my repressed childhood memories. There's nothing wrong with me. It's not me who's the problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Who is the problem?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well you should know. You'll be reporting back to him, won't you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Landau, please calm down. I won't be reporting back to anybody. And I don't understand why you are here if you don't want to be." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been...instructed to see you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Instructed? By whom?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Simon W. Taylor. Our esteemed Head of Administration here at SII. My immediate superior. Another young man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you visited a therapist before, Mr. Landau?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please let me explain what my position is. I have a contract to make myself available to employees of SII for consultation. Like any other doctor, I'm bound by oath to keep what my patients tell me confidential. I've never heard of your boss before and I won't be reporting what you tell me to him or anybody else." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. So what do you want from me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's not like that, Mr. Landau. I would hope that during an hour session we would talk over your situation in a way that might be helpful to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And if I don't feel like opening up to you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then we can talk about something else. But can you explain what you meant when you said you had been instructed to come to me? Normally my patients seek therapy by themselves, or are referred by another doctor. There's no element of compulsion." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know whether it's just another slap in the face or whether he genuinely thinks there's something wrong with me. Taylor. Barely out of UCB and he thinks he knows it all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "UCB?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "University of California at Berkeley. Across the Bay, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know where you mean. Please carry on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "In days past, he would never have been promoted above me. But he has all the high-tech stuff and of course that's what counts in this company." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It does seem odd that a new graduate should be Head of Administration." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I'm exaggerating. He's in his thirties. But he did some masters course and even arts students are plugged in to the things now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Computers?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In what way did Mr. Taylor make the suggestion that you visit me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's been my manager for about six months now, and he was happy to learn from me for the first three. But he started getting irritable and he's made my life a misery for weeks now. I think he believes I'm lazy. As if he can't see I'm working like a dog. Now he suggests I go to a psychiatrist and he drops heavy hints that it's that or the sack." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What type of thing does he confront you about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, it's just different approaches and he can't see that. I've been doing this kind of job for twenty-five years. I know what works. But it has to be done his way, on the latest piece of electronic wizardry. I could do my job perfectly well if he would just let me get on with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Could you tell me something about your job?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm a Senior Administrator. There are two of us within the company. I am responsible for building maintenance, purchasing, conference travel, furniture...quite a few areas. I manage three other staff and handle visiting contractors." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You haven't been with SII for twenty-five years though." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I worked at a publishers until three years ago. Doing much the same. But they were making cutbacks--sorry, downsizing--and I ended up jobless. It was awful. I was worried about the children. But a friend heard about the vacancy here and pushed me into applying." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see you have two children." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Daniel's 11 now. He's going to be a librarian, I think. You've never seen such an organiser. Elizabeth's 13 and she's getting a little awkward with her mother and me. I suppose this is only the beginning." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound very fond of them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, of course. It's up to me to give them every chance I can." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And how do you get on with your wife?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Melissa? Fine...wait a minute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You've done it, haven't you? You've got me to spill out my private life. I wasn't even going to come in here and I've ended up telling you about my family, my job, my feelings." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Landau, please. This isn't some contest where I try to extract secrets from you. I don't want you to tell me anything you're not comfortable with. And I really don't want you to be here against your will." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What age are you, Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm thirty-six." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm fifty-two. What makes you think you can sort out my problems?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I have qualifications in psychiatry and psychotherapy. This is what I do for a living. I'm not offering you any instant answers. I'm just a resource, if you like. A trained therapist with whom you can choose to explore whatever you're feeling." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's all right for you to say that. But if I don't come here, Taylor will have me out of a job." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are other avenues you could explore. However, we're short of time now. I don't feel we've had as good a session today as we might. Can I make a suggestion?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why don't you make another appointment for next week, and take the time to think it over. If you really don't see any point in us meeting again, that's fine. But if you're willing to give it a try, I'll be pleased to see you and we'll have another session. Deal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "all right. Although I don't think as many alternatives exist as you believe, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How about next Monday at 4 pm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I can fit that in. I'm sorry if I've been rude to you, Doctor. It's not really you that I'm angry at." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I understand." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Tell me one last thing though before I go." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What would you like to know?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you believe in evil?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Evil?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe people have a great capacity to hurt others and destroy what they see around them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's not what I meant. Do you believe in evil as a separate force in its own right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not sure. Do you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps I'll see you next week, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay Mr. Landau. Next week it is." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, January 27, 1997 at 4:00 pm.\nHello Mr. Landau. I'm glad you've decided to come back for another session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, call me George. I'm still under a certain amount of pressure to come here, Doctor. But as long as I'm going to be here anyway, we might as well be civil." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are things with Mr. Taylor this week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Much the same. He's introducing new procedures, new rules. It's not enough that something's done well, it has to be done his way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you think of these new procedures?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you find them restrictive?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It used to be much more straightforward. Look at it this way. Part of my job is to address the furniture needs of the entire company. Now if I know that one department is short of a decent office chair, and I know another will have one spare for two months, I should be able to move that chair from one to the other, yes? Even if only on a temporary basis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds reasonable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not now. Now there has to be an official request entered into some data base and another official spare report filed, and we can't connect the two unless the cost centers can handle the balance...it's ridiculous." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is Mr. Taylor receptive to suggestions?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I take it that means he isn't." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He'll give me some time, and he'll listen carefully to everything I've got to say, and then he'll tell me slowly that it has to be done his way and that's that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are there other reasons why everything has to be formalized?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, of course there are reasons. There's always a reason. But it always has the same effect. Preventing people from doing things in common sense ways. Using rules and form letters to avoid real face-to-face work, real human contact. It's the disease of our time, Doctor. Never mind AIDS." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound passionate about this." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just come across it all the time. Everywhere. Not just...what's that Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This? This is my laptop." }, { "from": "human", "value": "A computer?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. I use it to keep track of my appointments and store my patient files." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You write things about your patients in it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes. I keep notes about what ground we cover each week. So we can build on that in future sessions." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Was it there last week?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, right here. I'm surprised you didn't notice it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't really have time to look around your office last week. But are you saying that there's information about me in it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your medical records are still on paper. But I keep all my notes on the computer, yes. Are you worried about confidentiality?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, yes, I should think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Let me explain. The advantage of using a portable computer is that I can take it home with me at the end of the day. No one gets to use it except me, and it's not left in this building overnight." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But what if you're robbed on the way home? Someone could steal all your records at once!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think anybody who stole this machine would be far more likely to wipe its hard disk to eliminate evidence. But it has password protection. Even if someone did steal the computer, they couldn't read any of the files." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But people guess these things. You hear about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've read the security instructions. It's not a password which could be easily guessed. And I change it every month or so. Please trust me, George--I've taken an oath to keep what my patients tell me confidential." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is it plugged into the Internet? Aren't you worried about the hackers?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was for that very reason that I decided not to network the computer. Nobody can access it remotely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, what's that wire then?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's only the power cable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's to stop them using that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's to stop them using that to read your files?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's only power wiring inside that cable. There's no network connection." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're very sure, aren't you? Very sure you understand it all?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is just an ordinary power cable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why do you need a cable at all? I thought these things could run off their own power?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It does have a battery. But that only gives me a few hours." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sounds pretty useless to me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I notice you're wearing a brace on your wrist." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I have carpal tunnel syndrome." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does it cause you a lot of pain?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Some days I hardly notice it. Other days it can stop me working. Today it's irritating." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You weren't wearing the brace during our session last week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I don't like it. I don't have to wear it all the time. I sleep with it every night, that makes me feel enough of an idiot without wearing it to work when I don't need to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How long have you suffered from this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, a year or so. Maybe two." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you were at SII when it developed." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What has that got to do with anything?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's important that I'm aware of something which is causing you pain on a regular basis. Perhaps I can help you deal with the effects of that pain." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just something I have to put up with, Doctor. Stop grasping at straws." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, that's not right. I'm not sitting here trying to find a weakness in you to exploit. And I'm not compelling you to be here. I'm very willing to work through anything that you want to. But we can't make progress if you fight me all the way." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry Doctor. Forget I said that. The pain does make me irritable. I know you have good intentions. But you're just a tool that Taylor is using." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you think he's using me for?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I don't know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Perhaps you could do something for me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's that? Not happy with your desk? Your chair?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My furniture is fine, thanks. I was wondering if you kept a journal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A journal of what?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your thoughts, your feelings. Anything which occupies your mind." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, nothing like that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was going to suggest that you keep a journal of your clashes with Mr. Taylor. Perhaps we could use it to explore the situation." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't have time for that kind of thing, Doctor. I'm too busy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please think about it if you find the time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Our session is only supposed to last an hour, isn't it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's right. We are getting short of time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I dare say I'll be back in here next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At least I'm not the dentist." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hah! That's true. I'm sorry to keep wasting your time like this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not wasting my time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Mmm. I'm sure." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll see you next week George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Thursday, February 6, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello Doctor. How are you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm fine thanks. But shouldn't that be my question to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm only being pleasant, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem weary today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes I feel that way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Often?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you enjoy your work at SII?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I used to. I don't enjoy it much anymore." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does your conflict with Mr. Taylor get in the way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. But that's not all. It's a changing job, Doctor, and it's moving away from me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Taylor and I clash because of our personalities. But it's not just our personalities. We represent different factions. I stand for quality service, the personal touch. I really believe that if you approach a job like mine with the right attitude, you can improve someone's day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doesn't it? And you can prioritise according to people's needs. You can make a value judgment based on how people ask you for something and how crucial it is to their work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What faction do you think Mr. Taylor represents?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Assign the request a priority between one and five. Each department is allocated a limited number of high priority requests per year to ensure equitable division of resources." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sounded like you were quoting there." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was. And I'm sure you can guess who wrote it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can we explore Mr. Taylor's attitude a little further?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, what do you think motivates him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Making my life a misery. No, that's not true. He thinks he's doing the right thing. It's just that he puts the system first and people second. He's not so interested in whether our customers are satisfied, because he has his own little model which he keeps on his computer. As long as everybody keeps the model up to date, what does it matter whether we actually do anything?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds to me like you would be happier being in charge." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I would. And it would be a better department. But they're not going to put me in charge, so I can forget it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do you say that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm too old, Doctor. They're a high-tech company. They want whiz kids who rush around striking dynamic poses. Even their psychiatrist uses a...it's not there. Your computer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I put it away. I thought it was making you uncomfortable last session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That was thoughtful of you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would like you to get the most out of these sessions. I know how strange they can seem when you're new to therapy. I would like to do anything I can to put you at your ease." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry. I must be a really frustrating patient." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Believe me George, I've had patients who are far more frustrating than you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not even just the job. It's the world. There's no room for people like me anymore. It's more important to be seen to do the right thing than to care. I used to really like working at Gray & Hempel. I really knew what I was doing. People respected me. They enjoyed dealing with me and, if I couldn't help them, I would explain why. But I wasn't young or shiny enough, and in the end the company decided they could get by without me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel you're not respected in your current job?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The personal touch still counts for something when you talk to people. But everyone's so busy here all the time. They don't want a pleasant exchange; they want everything done right now. If you're not that kind of person, if you're not good at..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not good at what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, like I say, it's not just the job, it's the world. People hardly talk to their neighbors nowadays. Everyone's suspicious and isolated in their own worlds." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seemed like you were going to say more about dealing with your customers. They want everything immediately, you're not good at..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, I don't know what I meant. The point is, I would have been happier before life got this way, so fast and inhuman. I think I would have really fitted in to the golden days of family businesses, when people were proud of where they worked. When the owners would assemble the workforce to make announcements, and they would be genuinely respected. They would look after their workers. Do you know what I'm talking about?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think so. Are you saying that people respected one another as human beings more in the past?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, that's it. Mutual respect. Now it seems that's gone. We can put a dollar value on human life these days. I read about one insurance company which has a fire-fighting system to protect its big computers. If the sensors detect a fire, the room is automatically sealed and gas is sprayed in. It can put a fire out in seconds. But the gas is deadly poisonous, and there's no escape route. If you're in that room when the thing triggers, you're killed very quickly. Isn't that horrific?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And do you know why it's built that way? Because the company believes their computer files are worth far more than any lawsuits which might be brought by relatives of the deceased. And the sad thing is, they're probably correct in cash terms." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel victimized by the culture at SII?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not victimized. I'm in the same position as everybody else. But sometimes it seems that everybody else is more suited to it than I." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Earlier we were talking about how you felt excluded from promotion by the company's preference for younger employees." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel your current position is threatened too?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I think Taylor would be happy to see me go. In fact I wonder if sending me here is the first step. Maybe he's only given me an illusion of choice. Don't come here and I get fired. Come here and he gathers evidence that I'm incompetent and I get fired." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've told you before George. Nothing gets back to your boss from me. I don't know him and that would be a clear violation of my obligations as a physician." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, but he can point to my sessions with you and imply that I need a psychiatrist." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Indirectly, your company has engaged me to provide mental health services to its staff. Why would it have made that investment if it didn't want these services used?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's it on one level. But I know what people think." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you feel you're being discriminated against, I would like to work on finding a positive response." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He's going to push me out of this company. We can't afford that. Melissa and I had children late, Doctor, and one of the reasons was so I'd be settled and on a decent income. I didn't expect all this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, you're speculating. If Mr. Taylor had wanted to fire you, sending you here would have been a bad move. He would be suggesting that you are ill, and firing an employee purely because of illness would be likely to get the company sued." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not ill. I'm really not. It just gets on top of me sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm here to help you, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know you mean well. I just don't think you can help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you given some more thought to my suggestion that you keep a journal?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't have the time for that, Doctor. I have enough things to do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you ever doodle?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doodle? Why?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I find it helpful to see doodles from patients. It's not important if you don't." }, { "from": "human", "value": "So you can get some deep insight into my subconscious, is that it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you're not comfortable with the idea, don't worry about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If I do any masterpieces I'll save them for your wall, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would settle for just scribbles. I'm afraid we are out of time for today, George. I would like to prescribe something to help you relax, but I have a feeling you wouldn't take it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Would it see off an interfering boss?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, it probably wouldn't. Okay, let's see how you get on this week. Your next appointment would be Monday the 10th at 4 pm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That doesn't sound like a very long week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you prefer next Thursday at this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "How about Monday the 17th?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, that would be fine. At 4 pm then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have a good week Doctor. Be careful." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Be careful?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I meant take care Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You too George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 4th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Tuesday, February 18, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you could reschedule yesterday to today. I forgot about the President's Day holiday. How have things been since our last session?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just the same." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you and Mr. Taylor locked horns recently?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not really in the mood to talk about him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, what would you like to talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd sooner not talk about anything. You know I don't want to be here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has something in particular happened today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then can I ask you about the history of your wrist injury? I notice you're not wearing your brace today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I told you, I don't like it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How was CTS diagnosed?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "They said it was probably from using a keyboard and the mouse thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you consult a doctor through SII?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes...uh, no. It was our family physician at the time. Dr Harris. He's since moved away." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you have nerve conduction studies done at that time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I think so. Uh, yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What kind of reaction did you get from the company? Mr. Taylor wasn't your boss at that time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, it was Tom Windsor. He was very good about it. He had me out and about in the departments a lot more so I wouldn't be using my hands all the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Mr. Taylor hasn't kept this up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. He doesn't care if my hands fall off." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about the pain? Does it stop you from relaxing properly?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just an irritation, Doctor. There are plenty of irritations in my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I take it from your tone that I represent one at this moment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not in the mood for this today." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I can feel your resistance." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why don't you talk for awhile, Doctor? I don't want to come here. You get paid for these sessions while I fall behind in my work. It doesn't seem fair to me. Why don't you talk about your fears and I'll sit here and probe you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Alright, I have a suggestion to make. Since you are worried about your position being threatened by younger, high-tech graduates, why not go on the offensive?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Acquire some new skills. Pick an area you feel weak in and be aggressive about learning it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not a very aggressive person, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I mean enthusiastic, really. If you're obviously working hard to stay on the leading edge of technology, Mr. Taylor can hardly justify replacing you on technical grounds." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think that would matter very much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At least it's a positive step to tackle the problem." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah. That's different." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I get sent on enough training courses as it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And you don't enjoy them?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you were supposed to be making me feel better, Doctor. I'm feeling worse and worse." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you prefer that we cut our session short today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I can't answer all these questions. It's too much. I've been working all day. I'm tired." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay. We can try again next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't you ever feel like a parasite, Doctor? Making a living from people's inadequacies. Pressing them for their intimate secrets." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I might if I was seeking entertainment instead of trying to help them. I'll see you on Monday, February 24th at 2 pm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Alright. Goodbye Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 5th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, February 24, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello Doctor. I'm sorry about what I said last week before I left. I didn't mean it. I was just tired." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No offense taken." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You still look pretty tired today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I haven't been sleeping well." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has anything in particular been troubling you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes the world seems a frightening place, Doctor. You read in the newspaper about killers and disasters and intelligent diseases. If my mind's active at night, it can conjure up all kinds of fears." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have nightmares?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh yes. Sometimes several in a night." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you describe one?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm locked in a cold gray room with no windows and no furniture. There's a man being tortured next door. I can hear his shrieks through the wall. I don't know what's being done to him, but it goes on and on. Every time I think it's stopped it starts again and his screams are a little more high-pitched. For some reason, I know what is happening. Whatever is torturing him waits until it has pushed him as hard as it can in one area, then it finds a new part of his body to attack. His teeth, his knees, his ears...I can't see what's going on but I have a picture of knives, drills, electric prods. The worst thing is that I'm next. Whatever's doing it is working its way along the rooms and, once it's finished with my neighbor, it will come to me. And eventually it does stop. And then I hear heavy movements in the corridor and the sound of my door being unlocked. I always wake myself up at that point." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're able to choose to wake up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I've been able to do that since I was a boy. When I have a really bad nightmare and something horrible is about to happen, I suddenly understand that I'm dreaming and I wake myself up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever tried persisting with the dream?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've thought about that. But I never realize I'm dreaming until I'm terrified, and then I want out so desperately that I leap at the chance." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said that you know what's happening in the next room. I noticed you said \"it\" and not \"he\" or \"she\". Do you have any idea about what it is that's doing the torturing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not human. But I'm afraid to look at it directly, to see what it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you think might happen if you did?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. It might consume me. I might never wake up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How often does this nightmare recur?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not all that often. But I have different nightmares with the same elements." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If your nightmares prevent you from having a restful night, I could prescribe something to help you sleep." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No thank you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very well, let's turn to something else. Perhaps we could go back to our very first session. Just as you were leaving, you asked me whether I believed in evil. Do you remember?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course I remember." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was wondering why you asked me that question." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wanted to know whether you had an open mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And what did you decide?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That you believed in a basically rational world but you were willing to consider other possibilities." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I asked you the same question but you didn't answer at the time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I believe in evil." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How would you define it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A black smothering force which is all around us." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you see it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you give me an example?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was at a seminar on our financial strategy. The room was dark. The face of the man giving the talk was lit from beneath by the overhead projector. Light escaped from slits in the metal body. I looked at the projector's black shape with the light inside and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of malevolence lurking inside it. The presenter carried on, he didn't notice anything. The back of my shirt was soaked with cold sweat." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened when he finished?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "He turned the projector off and raised the lights. It felt safer with the room bright and the projector light off, but still not completely safe. I could feel that it was still there; it was just sleeping." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You defined evil earlier as a black smothering force, but you seem very clear that it was contained in the light of the projector." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not contained exactly. And it wasn't the light itself. That was just...its emanations. I didn't see any definite form to the evil. Excuse me, what have I been saying?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We have been talking about evil and how you see it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have I been talking nonsense?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the contrary, what you've told me is very valuable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I feel uneasy about this. Can we talk about something else?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. You said before that you saw formal procedures and rules as the disease of our time, devaluing contact between people." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That wasn't exactly what I said. I meant the attitude that promotes them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The attitude that these rules are more important than getting the job done?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Before today, I wondered if you regarded that attitude as evil." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. It's just misguided. Perhaps it's a symptom of evil." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you say that I come into contact with evil on a regular basis?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In what form?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't think I want to talk about this any more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I really would like to know." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you can't see it then it probably can't harm you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do you say that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Please Doctor. Let's talk about something else." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Alright. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you too hard." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're only trying to help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you feel that way." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There are people who make their emotions very public, Doctor. I think some of them do it for show. I'm not like that. I'm a very private person. Sitting here, talking to you about myself, it makes me feel very uncomfortable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Many patients find that, especially in the beginning. I appreciate that you keep coming back here to a situation which you find difficult." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think you are good at your job, Doctor. I imagined you as a much more fearsome character. I was quite worked up before our first session." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I remember." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't know what you were going to do. Doctors and doctors' offices are frightening places. But all we do is sit and talk. It feels old-fashioned." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now that I don't have my computer around?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't need one. You would be just as good with paper files. Maybe one day your computer will break and you will lose all your careful notes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I do make backups." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Looks like our time is up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes it is. Before you go, did I let you know you can call me at any time? You have the number." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's good of you Doctor. I don't think it's likely but I will keep it in mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "As you wish. I'll see you next Monday at the same time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes Doctor. Have a good week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You too George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 6th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, March 10, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would like to lead the course of our session today if you'll allow me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's fine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. This is our sixth session together. How do you feel we're getting along?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think I trust you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. What has made you feel comfortable about talking to me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Your manner, I suppose. You're ready to take me for what I am. You don't have any private agenda that you want me to follow. I'm not used to being the center of attention like this, but it's getting easier." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm pleased to hear that. During earlier sessions, you were very clear that you didn't want to be here. Do you still feel that way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not so much recently. To be honest, coming here can be a bit of a relief after an intense day in the office. Now that I don't feel like a laboratory specimen being studied." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So Mr. Taylor isn't compelling you to be here any longer?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm happy to keep coming to see you if that's what you mean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was wondering about your relationship with him and thinking back over our sessions. I've had an idea. I could write a letter to Mr. Taylor stating that you're perfectly healthy and that you shouldn't be in therapy. I could copy it to the personnel department. That should get you out of coming to our sessions for good. How would you feel about that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're quite clear in your own mind that there's nothing wrong. Why should I waste your time looking for problems where there are none to be found?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're not wasting my time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh. So you think we should continue with our sessions?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure you know best." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Right. Well, I'll start on this letter and from next week you'll be a free man. In fact, you should have time to go back to your department today if you want. You could get another half hour..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to stop our sessions. I'm finding them very useful." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Really? Tell me more." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not used to talking about myself. I can talk to Melissa, but there's some things I can't even tell her. She wouldn't understand. I'm just beginning to feel okay about talking to you. Please don't stop our sessions now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear we've made progress, George. But there are other issues here. I have to justify retaining patients on a long-term basis. I can't continue our meetings indefinitely just because..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, I'm terrified..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's okay, George. Let it come. Let it out. I won't stop our sessions. Take your time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Here. Have a tissue." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I haven't cried for years." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You might be surprised how many people haven't. Tears are an emotional safety valve, George. It's not good for us to block them up." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry. I don't find it easy to talk about myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Many people don't. I would rather we took things at a pace you were happy with." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What were we talking about?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Actually, I wanted to explore these bouts of sickness you've been having." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What about them?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It seems quite a coincidence that you should have two on the first Mondays of consecutive months. George?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I suppose it is a coincidence. I hadn't realized that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Has it happened before?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Um..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On, say, the 7th of October, the 4th of November, the 2nd of December and January the 6th?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you want to tell me about these training sessions?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure Taylor thinks I've been pretending to be sick. I haven't. I've been genuinely sick. Perhaps I've exaggerated a little, but that's all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sounded bad both times you rang to cancel our session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I probably sound like that all the time on the telephone. I don't like using it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Specifically what is it about using the telephone that you dislike?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps it would be easier if I told you about the training session." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please do." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Around September last year, Administration got a new computer system. I think that was one of the reasons they hired Taylor, he knew all about that kind of thing. Everyone was so enthusiastic about how it would make our life so much easier. It would keep track of everything and warn us when we had to contact people and so on. We were all to be trained to use it--a company across town gives a course. On the first morning of the course, I was dreadfully ill. I sat on the bathroom floor, curled up with the worst stomach cramps I ever had. I was sick all over the room." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you didn't go to the course?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. And then the next month, the course was on again. It happened again, just as bad." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And it's been happening every month since?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's right. You only noticed because our sessions are on Mondays." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So your department has been doing everything through this new computer system for nearly six months, and you don't know how to operate it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. That's right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I guess that irritates Mr. Taylor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. It's hardly my fault though. I can barely move on those mornings." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When do the cramps go away?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Usually around nine-thirty. Actually it varies. Once I realize that it's too late to go to the course, I find myself loosening up. I'm normally all right again by lunchtime." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How does your family react?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The children are normally on their way to school before it really hits. Melissa is very concerned; she always wants to get a doctor. But now I've learned to just wait it out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about the course on the night before?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Anxious. I often have trouble getting to sleep." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What about the week beforehand?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I try to forget that the course is coming up. But obviously that doesn't work very well." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Burying your feelings seldom does. You manage three staff members, don't you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How is your relationship with them affected by this new computer system, and the fact you can't use it yet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I get round it mostly. I ask them questions directly rather than consult the records myself. I get them to print reports out for me. I suppose I've gotten quite good at avoiding the problem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds to me like you are avoiding the problem in several different ways." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. You're allowed to be eccentric when you're a little older and you're managing staff. They like to feel you're an old fuddy-duddy. They're probably right. It lets me get away with things. Not everything though. I think they're beginning to wonder." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And Mr. Taylor won't let it lie?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's different because he's my manager. He gets to make demands about how I work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We need to explore this in more detail, George. Unfortunately, we can't fit that in today. I really hope we can be candid from the beginning next session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't seem to have been able to avoid the issue today. But you haven't heard everything yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can we make a start on it next Monday, same time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes Doctor. I promise." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll see you next week then, George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 7th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, March 24, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good afternoon, George. Thank you for calling in last week. I enjoyed talking to Melissa. She sounds very fond of you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "She is. That's one thing I have got right, Doctor. We're a close family." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Melissa thought it was funny that you called her \"Ms.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Funny amusing or funny strange?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Amusing. She's used to being called Mrs. Landau. I think she rather enjoyed the novelty of it. I remember when I was a child, I enjoyed getting letters addressed to \"Mr. G. Landau\". It made me feel very grown-up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel grown-up these days?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Ah yes. When we had the children, I came down to their level for a while, but now they're getting to the age where they want to be adults. It's a shame, isn't it? If you could view your life as a whole, you would hang on to childhood for every last minute." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that's often true. But I also believe that as adults we often romanticize our childhoods." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm, perhaps you're right. I wouldn't like to go to school again. You never really escape though, do you? I'm fifty-two now and I've still got someone telling me what to do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Our friend Mr. Taylor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, let's not start that again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Last week, we were talking about those training courses. The ones which make you ill." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you describe for me how you visualize the course? I mean, what the room will be like, what people will be there, and so forth." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I imagine a small room with space for a teacher and six students. We are all cramped and pushed together. The blinds are drawn." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Will you each have a computer?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. The room will be stuffy and hot from the black blinds and the horrible machines." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I beg your pardon?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Uh, I mean the computers. They will all heat up until the room is stifling. There will be nothing to drink in order to protect the computers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why did you say \"the horrible machines?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wasn't thinking. The teacher is a man or maybe a girl, much younger than me. Yes, perhaps a girl, with a business suit and a practiced presentation manner. She uses jargon without explaining what she means. Every five minutes she asks if everyone has understood. The first couple of times I raise a hand and she explains again, more slowly, but I still don't get it. Quite soon I stop interrupting and pretend I understand everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a very vivid picture of your fears." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It gets worse. They have a practical session after an hour or so, when each of us turns to a computer and has to work on what we've learned. The tutor comes around to see how we're doing and I'm still sitting there, trying not to look at the blank screen. She offers quiet suggestions, but her tone changes as she realizes I haven't taken in a word. The other students are young whiz kids, flying through the exercises, their fingers chattering on the keys. The tutor tries to help me with the very basics. She is very polite on the surface, but it's obvious from her voice that she thinks I'm a stupid old man, and the others look over at me. Possibly I faint...Doctor, I feel like crying again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's understandable, George. Look. We're working with powerful images here. But this kind of visualization is necessary for us to fight your terrors. Fears are stronger if you don't confront them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "At the agency, they'll know I'm the one who keeps not turning up. They'll all ready have noticed. I'll be a curiosity before we even start. And what if one of the juniors in my department is there too?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, there are three things we have to remember. First, you're not a stupid old man. You're a talented manager who has been good at his job for years and excels at dealing with people. Second, operating computer systems is not a matter of common sense. It's a very specialized skill which becomes easier to pick up with previous experience. It doesn't sound like you've had any experience with computers before, whereas your younger staff probably grew up with them as teddy bears." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's the third thing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Third, this training course is not the only way you can learn to use the administration computers. You are a senior employee and you can expect a reasonable amount of accommodation. You could ask for a relaxed, one-on-one session tailored to your needs. I'm sure Mr. Taylor would be delighted to make special arrangements if it meant you picked up the necessary skills." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That sounds fair." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't sound quite convinced." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not quite that simple." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What other complication is there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm scared of the machines." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The computers?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not just the embarrassment of being last in the class. It's not just about feeling old and out of date. The machines, the wires, the sound they make...they are like an ordeal that I can't escape. My life keeps dragging me back to them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you describe the feeling to me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Imagine you were trapped at the back of a cave with a hungry lion just sitting there, staring at you. That's the way I feel about my computer. I plug it in sometimes for show, so it looks as if I've been working with it. But then it distracts me and I can't concentrate. I never feel comfortable in my office any more. Things are a little easier when it's not plugged in. But I keep expecting it to come on by itself even then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That was why my laptop made you uncomfortable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Your computer, Taylor's computer, the elevator panel, the telephone every time I call you..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So it's not just computers which make you feel this way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh no. The world is filling up with things which do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, I'd like to understand exactly what frightens you. How about if I name some objects and you tell me how you feel about them?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Certainly, if it will help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An electric kettle." }, { "from": "human", "value": "They make me shudder. Who knows what they're doing inside?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old tin kettle, to use on a stove." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel fine about that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An aluminum can for a soft drink." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A computer printer." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Terrifying. It lets them move objects in the real world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A washing machine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Awful. I imagine a small animal trapped in there, peering out, as the machine switches itself on, trying to make its victim dizzy before drowning it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A gas station pump." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Makes me a little uncomfortable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A network." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What, you mean of people?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, the wires which connect computers together." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Awful. They can talk to each other without us hearing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An electric light." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Quite uncomfortable. Actually I've just had a nightmare which involved an electric light." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you want to tell me about it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seemed to be on a space station or in the future somehow. Melissa and the children were there. We had been having a nice time, although I don't know what we had been doing. I stepped through a doorway and a glass panel slid down behind me to cover it. It was just a small cupboard with high-tech devices all over the walls. It was red. I turned and tried to open the door. My family stared at me. I pushed my fingers up against the glass. There was a light bulb above the doorway on either side. The bulb inside came on and there was a hum. Melissa looked sad. I asked her to open the door and she said she couldn't. She said I had been exposed to...something. Dexter sinister...something which sounded like that. Slowly she said goodbye and led the children away. She said I would never be able to go near them again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sinister and dexter are the Latin words for left and right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I don't think those were the actual words. I can't remember them clearly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We've covered a lot in this session. But I'm afraid we are out of time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel a little weak. I think I might go to the park for a walk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That sounds like a good idea. You are making great progress, George, and I know how difficult it must be. The next training course will be in two weeks, is that correct?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week I want to work out a strategy for dealing with it, and build on what you've told me today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "All right, Doctor. I'll give it a try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad to hear that, George. Enjoy your walk, and look after yourself this week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you, Doctor. You too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 8th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Wednesday, April 2, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, George. I'm sorry that I had to cancel our session on Monday." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's okay, Doctor. Thanks for seeing me now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, your next training session is this coming Monday. I was hoping to have a chance to work with you before then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It feels strange coming in here with all my cards on the table already, as it were." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you feel you have done?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Like I have owned up to something." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To me or to yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Both, I think." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How does that make you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Strong, actually. I feel less vulnerable. That's very strange. I would have expected to feel more vulnerable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Admitting fears is the first step towards dealing with them. And by doing so, you are taking control of your own future in a way you were avoiding previously. You are empowering yourself; it's not strange that you should feel stronger." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Do you think I will see a change next Monday morning? Perhaps I won't get sick?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's possible that you will feel differently. But I don't want you to expect the problem to suddenly go away." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know, I feel like I could perhaps tackle the training session next week. It surely can't be as bad as I imagined." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would like to explore this today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Surely the only way to really tell what I will feel is to go along?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Slow down, George. I'm happy for you to try this training course once again if you feel positive about it. But you have been telling me about some pretty strong feelings and I don't think we have dealt with them yet." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you would be pleased I felt this way, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I am pleased with your progress, George. I just don't want you to rush things. I was going to suggest that you might cancel the training session next week in order to give yourself time to deal with it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But I don't need time, Doctor. That's the worst thing I could have. A few weeks would only make the course seem more frightening. It would be a horrible experience coming up on my calendar, always there in the future. Better that I go straight ahead without thinking too hard. Like jumping into a cold lake." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jumping into a cold lake is not always a wise move." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I came in here feeling quite enthusiastic, Doctor, and now I feel defeated." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I would like us to explore your feelings about computers in a little more depth." }, { "from": "human", "value": "How would you like us to do that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please don't take that tone, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I feel like I have taken control of myself for the first time in years, and you want me to go back to the way it was before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's not the case. I am pleased for you to go ahead next week and tackle the course on your own terms. But since you are here today, why don't we talk about the specifics anyway?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Because if I think too hard about what the course will involve then I will find it much more difficult to face my fear." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would rather you faced it slowly in a controlled environment than jumped straight in during an unfamiliar social situation." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just feel that if I'm bold about it, if I move quickly and don't think too hard beforehand, I may break through the barrier." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't want you to hurt yourself, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If I'm going to be hurt at all, I would rather get it over quickly rather than suffer slowly over several months." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. Let's stop for a moment and remind ourselves what we are talking about. You have a training course scheduled next week concerning your departmental computer system. It is with a group of strangers across town. We've established that you have a phobia relating to computers which..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, that's it, is it?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Never mind how many weeks we've spent here talking about me. Never mind all the personal things I've spilled out. Now you've found a label you can stick on me. I hope it makes you happy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, I thought we had come beyond this kind of thing." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why don't we just stop the session now?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you talking about leaving therapy for good?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "If my plan works I won't need therapy anymore, will I? But don't worry, I'll come back for a last session so you can look me over and slap a \"cured\" sticker on my file." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And if your plan doesn't work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I can't think about that or I'll be beaten before I start." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't want to get in your way, George. Perhaps you are right. Only please think hard before you decide to stop coming here. You have made progress, but we have really only touched the surface of what is bothering you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You have been good for me, Doctor. I do lash out at you, I'm sorry about that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm used to it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I want to go now. I don't want to explain any more or talk about this at all. I just have to get on and do it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But George, if it doesn't work out, don't think all is lost. We can work on this problem together." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to be undermined." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. I guess we won't be having a session next Monday. Tell you what, why don't you call me and tell me how the course went? If you've survived exposure to computers all day a five-minute phone call should be relatively painless." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know when it finishes...but yes, I'll do that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. I hope it goes all right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, Doctor. I'll let you know." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 9th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, April 21, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor. How are you today?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, George. I'm fine, thanks. You seem relaxed. Has a week away from me done you some good?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Relaxed...I don't know if that's the right word. But I do feel different. Resigned, perhaps. Or focused maybe." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that due to your experience two Mondays past?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Was throwing up on the sidewalk a pivotal experience for me, do you mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was thinking more of..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. Acknowledging my fears but then confronting them without preparation. I've had some time to consider it, Doctor. Don't worry. I might be a stupid old man, but I'm not stupid." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought we had agreed before that you weren't a stupid old man." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's strange, actually. If I had been sick in the street four months ago, I would have been hideously embarrassed. I would have been worried about being taken for a drunk. But now...I leaned against a garbage can and felt something as I watched people pass by. It was almost pride. Not quite, but almost. I suppose I felt virtuous because nobody stopped to see if I was all right, and if the situation were reversed, I would have stopped. Do you see what I mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think so. You felt that you had more compassion?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that's positive, George. I'm pleased you feel that way. Some kind of phobia affects seven out of every hundred Americans. It's really nothing to feel ashamed of." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not quite ready to proclaim it to my staff yet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's different. There is another issue there because you manage these people and you have to retain their respect. But we will get to that. Our immediate priority is to prepare you for your next training session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There isn't going to be another. Not for some time at least." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have the company stopped offering the course?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I've taken myself off the list until you and I are both sure I can deal with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that's a very sensible move. Then I suppose our short-term concern is how to deal with Mr. Taylor. He won't be pleased to hear that you have signed off the course." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He didn't mind after I explained the whole thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You told him?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I waited until he wasn't busy and then talked to him in his office. He was pretty reasonable once I had laid the whole thing out and told him that you and I were going to work to get me over it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is Simon Taylor, your boss, we are talking about here?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, I am floored. You've approached this in the most positive way I could imagine. If your boss is behind you and we don't have an imminent deadline, we can really take the treatment at the pace which you find comfortable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There is one thing which has been puzzling me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What's that?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your carpal tunnel syndrome. You haven't been wearing your wrist brace for a while." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And you told me that when it was diagnosed, the doctor said it was probably brought on by using a computer keyboard and mouse. But you haven't been using a computer keyboard or mouse much..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "This bit I do feel ashamed about." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't have wrist problems diagnosed. That period is a little unclear in my memory. At the time I did feel pain in my wrist. At least, I think I did. I had read about repetitive strain injury and how firms had to look after their workers. I suppose it had stuck in my head." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you saying you don't have CTS? I was surprised it's not mentioned in your personnel file." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I believed in some way that I did. It was all very vague. I didn't set out to deceive anybody. I just told myself that I didn't need to go to the doctor. I had a pain in my wrist and I knew what it was. I knew how to deal with it. I have a friend who works in a hospital. He was able to get me the brace...I told myself I was saving the doctor's time. Looking back, I suppose, I was trying to convince myself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you started wearing the wrist brace to work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought I needed to. Maybe on one level I knew I was deceiving myself. I mean, I knew I had hardly touched the keyboard or the mouse thing, but still I believed my wrist had been damaged by them. I was convinced enough to bring it off at work anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To bring off the charade?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I suppose it was a charade. I didn't think of it as such though. I still don't, really. I was deluding myself, but I was also the one being deluded. So I'm innocent as well as guilty. Does that make sense?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I think it is important that you acknowledge that you were deluding yourself." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was. I think I was." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What effect did the wrist brace have at work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "People showed a lot of concern. It was very noticeable, particularly when I had my jacket off. Tom Windsor was very good about it for a while." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He was your superior before Mr. Taylor arrived?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's right. You have a good memory, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Plus extensive notes. But you said he was good about it for a while. Did that change?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think by the end he was becoming suspicious. He would look at the brace strangely when we talked. He was too nice a man to be a manager really. It would have upset him to confront me about it. As it happened, he left before matters came to a head." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What other effects did the brace have on your work?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was very handy when people came to see me in my office and we had to look something up on the computer. It would have been more natural for me to drive the thing. But I could squeeze my arm as if it hurt and naturally my visitor would offer to drive the computer for me. I think my arm often did hurt in those situations." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mentioned several times today that you felt pain although you didn't suffer from CTS." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. That's quite frightening, now that I think about it. I think I perhaps wandered out on occasion." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wandered out?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wasn't quite myself. I was seeing things in strange ways. Part of the delusion maybe." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you tell me more about this?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was just a frame of mind. My brain tried to tell itself to believe something which another part knew wasn't true, so it had to move out a little to resolve the picture. To change the perspective. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. It just happened. I think I've exaggerated it today. This self-analysis is heady stuff." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, let me bring you back to Earth and tell you about the treatment I want to try." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Please do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There is a technique called \"flooding.\" It involves you experiencing imaginary situations which confront your fear. However all the time you will be in the safe environment of my office." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You make it sound easy. But I imagine it is distinctly unpleasant." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm afraid it is. But it's a very effective treatment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The idea is that after I have experienced the worst in my imagination, the real thing won't be half as bad?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is a little more subtle than that. But you have grasped the broad principle." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. I don't suppose there is an equally effective treatment which is relaxing and pleasant?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm afraid not." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. Well, I suppose I can be brave for a while longer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you are a brave man, George. Particularly in light of what you told me earlier." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If I was truly brave, I would have dealt with it years ago. No, let's do it. But let's have one session every two weeks. I found the extra time to think very valuable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It certainly worked this session. All right then, George, then I'll see you next on Monday, May the 5th, at 4 pm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll be there. I'll try to be ready." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm very pleased with your progress, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, Doctor. Tell me that again after we've done this flood stuff." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Flooding. Okay, George, it's a deal." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 10th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau,\nHello George. How are you this week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh. Okay, I suppose. This last week has been a little rough." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What has been happening?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "One of Melissa's friends is in hospital. It looks like cancer of the prostate. Melissa is really not herself at the moment. And I've been having more nightmares. They've gotten worse in the last two weeks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you find it difficult to get a full night's sleep?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seems that every hour either I wake Melissa by shouting or flinching suddenly, or she wakes me by tossing and turning. It wears both of us down--you can imagine it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How has this affected your relationship?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I would have jumped down your throat for that question a few months ago, wouldn't I? Told you to mind your own business." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can visualize that happening. Do you feel differently now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Melissa can be a little short with me. Perhaps I try to help her in the kitchen and just get in her way. She can snap at me without meaning to. But she usually notices when she does it, and she'll make it up to me later. We've been through a lot together, Doctor. We know how things change when one of us is under a strain. We can handle it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You must be tired at work, too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. It's a bit easier now that Taylor knows about my problem with computers. But he's not going to stay patient forever." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope we can make you feel better long before that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That would be good. Although I'm not in peak condition today for a white-knuckled hell ride through my subconscious." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We don't have to start with the rickety big dipper. We can take it more slowly than that. I thought we'd just explore in detail some of your antipathy towards machines." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Big Dipper. That's in Santa Cruz, right? Now you're making me think of the ghost train." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The ghost train?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Any ghost train. You must have been on one, Doctor, at a county fair or an amusement park? You sit in a little carriage and drive slowly through dark tunnels. Skeletons and ghosts loom out at you. Bats swing over your head. Cobwebs brush past your face. Then your two bucks are spent and a grouchy man kicks you out of your car." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I know the rides you mean. It sounds like you have a very cynical view of them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Does it? Far from it, they used to terrify me. I hate all that kind of thing. I had a girl once--Faith was her name--who used to drag me to the boardwalk in Santa Cruz and onto that ride. She loved them, she would come out the other end bouncing in her seat, her face shining. I was more likely to be hunched down with my jacket over my head to stop anything from touching my skin." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hope she paid." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I paid. In the end she dumped me, but I was quite pleased." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever taken your children on one of these rides?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "What? Oh no. If they want to suffer they can do it by themselves. Elizabeth would probably enjoy them. I imagine Daniel would think they were a bit of a waste of time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I want to talk about your fear of computers now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's funny...I suppose I can see it earlier in my life when I look for it. The ghost train is one example--I don't particularly like unknown things brushing my face in the dark. But that wasn't the most scary thing about the ride." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Please go on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "If you knew a man in a vampire costume was going to jump out at you, it would surprise you when it happened, but it wouldn't be terrifying. The thing is, the ghost train is like some giant machine which opens its doors and swallows you up. And when you are inside, all the moving parts are controlled by the machine. It's dark so you can't see what's coming. The machine could do anything to you. It could make a bar move out and knock your head off. Do you see what I'm trying to describe?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think so. But I'd like to hear more." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You can't tell what they're thinking because they have no face. They show you a screen, or a novelty ride, but you just don't know what's going on underneath. You don't know what's in the wires." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you talked to the computer engineers--and you can find them at SII--they'd explain to you how a computer worked, right down to the electricity running along each connection inside. Some of them have a total understanding of how the machine works at every level. They would be skeptical about any idea that the computer thought for itself." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Scientists. Scientists are always wrong, Doctor. All the way through history, scientists have been convinced that they understood how the world worked, and then some revolution came along and showed that they had misunderstood. Why should we be right today when we haven't been before?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, that's partly true. But..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "And we can only look at things from a human perspective. We have a rigid definition of what life is. What if we have created a new form of life, and it is sitting there calmly appraising us? It may have capabilities we can't conceive of." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure I have read science fiction stories to that effect." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There are very few rooms in the SII building which don't have at least one computer screen in them. They can see everything. They know more than we do. They can communicate faster than we can think." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you believe what you are telling me, George?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Believe...I don't know. Nobody knows for sure. But this is what I feel, Doctor. I feel watched. I feel assessed. My body is so fragile. One electric shock and I am gone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is what you feel when you sit down in front of your office computer?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I feel it most of the time. In the street, automatic cameras are watching. Televisions look out from the appliance stores. Computer screens flicker behind the blinds of office buildings." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound distant, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel cold." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you feel when you have to sit down and confront the computer on your desk?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Some days, it's a sheer wave of fear. My hair stands on end, my skin goose-pimples, I can't breathe, I can't move. When I'm more lucid, I sometimes feel like I'm completely open to the machine. It can read every pore on my skin." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel threatened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. But more than that. I can feel...known. Like it can read what I'm thinking. It's not so ridiculous, Doctor. Our body works by electrical impulses. Why shouldn't they be able to read those?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I sense you feel awkward about referring to computers as living things." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Of course. I sound crazy. I know that. But it's how I feel." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I appreciate you being so open about it. And I think we should these feelings more." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't put too much store in exactly what I'm saying. I'm trying to understand myself. I'm grasping for the right words to describe my feelings and it's not something at which I have much practice. I may be going too far and saying things I don't really mean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll watch out for that. But you're doing very well articulating your feelings, which is always difficult even when there's not so much attached to them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week I'd like to begin the flooding technique, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "In two weeks, please. I'd like to settle on this as a regular schedule." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can I rely on no abrupt illnesses breaking our sessions up even further?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No you can't, Doctor. I don't choose to make myself ill. But if I have no training course to go to, I don't see why it should happen. We are working on this, yes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, George. I didn't mean to suggest you would stay away voluntarily. But the flooding can be quite an intense process." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm prepared. I think I'm prepared." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I will see you at 4 pm then, on Monday the 19th of May." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor. Stay away from the fairgrounds." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I will if I see one. Bye, George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 11th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, May 19, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor. How are you today?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm fine, George. Yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm still not sleeping as well as I might. But it's been a good week with the children. There was a parents' evening at Elizabeth's school. Melissa and I went up to hear about..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We have to start the flooding treatment today. It will take most of our time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You don't want to hear about the parents' evening?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd be happy to later. But I really must insist that we press on with this. I know you're not looking forward to it, but you can't put it off indefinitely." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I suppose you're right. Do you want me to lie down or something?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The chair you are in will be fine--anywhere you can concentrate on what we are doing." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I remember I thought you were going to demand I lie down during our first session. It's really a very nice couch. My..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know. I know. Okay, how do we start?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Close your eyes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't you want me to take off my shoes first, to get comfortable?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just close your eyes, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. How do you get to work from home?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I walk." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You took a cab to your training course recently. Imagine yourself back inside it. Where are you sitting?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The back seat. I can see the upholstery. It's old leather and it's ripped." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Concentrate on the car itself. Can you hear the engine?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're inside its metal frame. Think about the mechanics of the drive system, hidden from view in the body." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's all a bit abstract. I don't know much about how cars work." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about being contained in the car?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. The driver seems to know what he is doing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Keep your eyes closed. The cab stops and you get out. You pay the driver and step inside a skyscraper." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your training course is on the sixteenth floor. You step into the elevator. You are alone. How do you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A little uneasy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The lift is such a complicated device. It has a small control panel. We shouldn't trust it. It closes the doors by itself and sometimes it doesn't go where you tell it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You press the button for floor number sixteen. The doors close." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Now I feel very nervous. I stand in a corner of the lift. I don't really want to watch the control panel but I know I should." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do you say you should?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "To find out what's going on. Although...I don't know that the panel is telling the truth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The elevator moves off. You feel yourself get heavy for a moment as it accelerates. The control panel counts the levels fast from 1 to 16." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just waiting for it to be over." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Out of control. There's nothing I can do. I just have to hope it takes me up and lets me walk out. It could drop me down the shaft or into the furnace. All I can do is cower in the corner and wait." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You feel lighter for a moment and the elevator arrives. The doors open." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I scuttle out quickly. I half expect the doors to slam shut on me as I pass through." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have just shivered. Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's the relief. It can't get me now that I'm outside it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you feel standing there in the corridor?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel as if there is a cliff edge behind me. I want to get away from it so I won't fall over by mistake." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you feel the elevator still there?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is it looking at you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not looking exactly. But it's watching me somehow. I want to walk away from it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You begin to walk down the corridor. A sign directs you to room 1620 for the training course. From the numbers on the doors beside you, you guess room 1620 is just round the next corner. How do you feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dreadful. I want to find the stairs and get out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Concentrate on what you are feeling. You walk towards the corner." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My head feels faint. I seem to be unsteady on my feet. My stomach is bubbling." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You are going to turn the corner." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You turn the corner and see room 1620 up ahead. The door is open. You hear the faint hum of computers. There are people moving around inside." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to go in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Slowly you walk up the corridor until you stand in the doorway. A bunch of young people are drinking coffee and chatting in the center of the room. Around the perimeter is a ring of computers, all their screens facing inwards. A woman looks up at you...George, you've opened your eyes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Stop, Doctor. I'm not happy about doing this. I don't feel comfortable with it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not supposed to feel comfortable with it. The point is to expose you to the feared situation in your imagination." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're pushing me faster than I want to go. I need to take my own time about going forward." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't like working at my speed?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Too much like the ghost train?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sorry?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You can't control the speed of the ghost train. It takes you forward at whatever speed it wants." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I want out of here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hold on, George. Relax now. We've made a good start today. I don't expect you to be able to go the full way immediately." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know if I like this kind of therapy at all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought I had made it clear that you wouldn't." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Can't we take it at my own pace?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There is a different imaginative technique we could try. It involves you creating the scene with only a little guidance from me. But I want to keep trying with flooding for a few sessions. Believe me, it does yield results. I have seen it work many times." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What happens when it doesn't work? Is the patient reduced to a drooling madman?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I will watch out for that happening, George, and stop just in time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yours is a strange job, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Only sometimes." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I need some air. Or maybe a stiff drink." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I trust I will see you in two weeks." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes...I'll be here. I won't be looking forward to it though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you want to tell me about Elizabeth's parents' evening now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No thanks." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 12th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, June 2, 1997 at 2:00 pm.\nHello, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, George. You don't sound quite yourself today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm fed up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm fed up with the way computers are taking over everything. I'm fed up working in a high technology company. I'm fed up with my office and its charmless modern decor. I feel fed up with everything today." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Everyone has days like that, George." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm fed up with therapy, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you mean that? Or is that just a random punch in my direction because I'm conveniently close?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I mean it a little. I'm fed up walking over here and coming in to talk about my problems. We seem to talk and talk and I don't feel any better." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I believe you've walked out of here feeling better on several occasions. It may not seem that way today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It doesn't." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you fed up with Melissa and the kids too?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I'm not fed up with them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We really must get started with the flooding treatment again." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought you would get round to that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Of course I'm going to get round to that. George, you've made great progress since you started coming to see me. You have broken down a delusion which was holding back your career and your happiness at work. You have faced a very deep-rooted and powerful fear. We're now working to overcome that fear. What else would we do?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I'm not convinced it's worthwhile." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is one of the most effective techniques available for dealing with your type of phobia." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Mmm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you were coming here every week I might be tempted to cut the session short and see you again when you feel more amenable to the treatment. But we only meet once every two weeks. This time is valuable, George, I don't want to waste it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It doesn't seem as relevant as it used to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That can be a hazard of fortnightly sessions. I would really prefer to see you every week. That way we maintain the momentum of the therapy process." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, let's try the damn flooding thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sound angry." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm frustrated and tired and I just want to get home." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This may not be a constructive frame of mind to apply the technique in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, for heaven's sake just try! Look, I've closed my eyes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Very well. You are walking round the corner towards the room where you will attend your training course. You can hear voices." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I go in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It is a small, warm room. Desks line the walls and on each stands a computer. The screens all face the center of the room." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "About ten young people mill around in the room, chatting. They wear business suits. One woman sees you enter and asks for your name." }, { "from": "human", "value": "George Landau." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You see a flicker of surprise on her face, then one corner of her mouth turns up. She makes a mark on her clipboard. \"Mr. Landau,\" she says in a slow, patronizing manner. \"Good to see you. We'll be starting in five minutes. Do get yourself some coffee.\" She indicates a nearby table which has a coffee machine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Fine. I'll have a cup of coffee." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You step over to the machine. It is black and oddly shaped. There are cups and saucers stacked beside it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I take a cup and saucer. How do I get coffee out of the machine?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It has an odd, molded domelike shape on top. There is a small spout sticking out from beneath a protruding arm. You can't see how to turn the flow of coffee on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I change my mind. I don't want coffee any more." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about the machine?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's a pain in the butt. Why can't they design them better?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't sense evil from it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just an irritation. I can't visualize it very clearly anyway." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay. You turn back to the group of trainees and the woman with the clipboard." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not really in the mood to deal with people." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, you've opened your eyes again. You can't keep stopping the process whenever you feel uncomfortable." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't feel uncomfortable. I felt angry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We have to explore your feelings. We won't get anywhere if you keep interrupting." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I thought I was free to take it at my own pace." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We will make more rapid progress if you let events follow their entire course in your imagination. You don't want to be doing this for months, do you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We still have time to try again quickly. Are you ready?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Right." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You are entering your office at the start of the working day. Nobody is around besides yourself." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You sit at your desk. There are two memos there and, of course, your computer." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I read the memos." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One is from Personnel. Some of your staff are on vacation or attending conferences. The others have called in sick. Even Simon Taylor is ill." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. What's the other one?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's from the CEO, Lloyd Major. He needs to know some financial figures by ten o'clock. That's in less than one hour. The figures are on the computer system. You're the only one who can get them." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I can't. I don't know how to work the computer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They are very basic figures. It is inconceivable that you wouldn't be able to get them. They need to be incorporated into a report which has to go out this morning. Your job is on the line, George. Your family's entire income." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I must have them on paper somewhere." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No. These are the latest figures. The computer has put them together overnight. You have to get them from the machine." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I look at the computer. I'm sweating." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Its screen is dark. It's not switched on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I look at it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's not switched on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I look at it. I can feel the heat from it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You hear the clock tick." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I look at the computer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You are tapping your feet on the floor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. I can see the button on the front. It says \"power\"." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have to get this information." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm still looking at it. I feel heat pouring from it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Time is running out." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I stand up and open the window. The air is cool. I can feel heat from the computer burning the back of my neck." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's still not turned on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I sit down and look at the button. I hate it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You reach out with one finger towards the button." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I stand up again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's hardly any time left. Lloyd Major will be on the phone any moment." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I sit down. I stand up. I don't want to be here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You touch the button from where you are standing. You only have to press a little harder and you will switch the machine on." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I take my finger away. I pick up the computer. I throw it out the window." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George! It might hit a passer-by!" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have to take flooding seriously, George. That action would have had terrible consequences in the real world." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was taking it seriously. I was just angry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel this level of anger often?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We have to deal with this. Won't you consider coming in next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't push me any harder, Doctor. It's bad enough as it is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We are out of time for now. But I feel..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't worry, Doctor. I won't assault anyone on my way home. I'm not a violent man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take care then, George. And I really do mean that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, Doctor. I feel tired. I may go home to bed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do get some rest." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Conversation between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, February 3rd, 1997 at 10 am.\nHello. Doctor?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, this is Dr. Balis. Who's speaking please?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's George Landau." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello George. You don't sound quite yourself." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm calling from home. I'm off work today sick." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry to hear that. What's wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just nausea. I've had it before. I won't be able to come and see you today though." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's okay, I understand. Have you had to miss work before? How does Mr. Taylor take it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, he'll be an idiot about it. And I won't even fall behind today. It's only some pointless training course which he insisted I go on." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can we reschedule our appointment for later in the week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How about Thursday at 2 pm?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, fine, I suppose so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll see you then George. I hope you feel better." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Mmm." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of a telephone conversation between Mr. Simon Taylor and Charles Balis, M.D. regarding Mr. George Landau, Friday, February 21, 1997 at 1:22 pm.\nHello. Dr. Balis speaking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello Doctor. My name's Simon Taylor. I'm Head of Administration over at SII." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello Mr. Taylor. What can I do for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'm calling about George. George Landau. I'm his manager. I wonder how he is doing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can't discuss my patients without their consent, Mr. Taylor. I'm afraid I can't even confirm or deny that George is a patient." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, I should have thought of that. Well it doesn't really matter. I know he's been coming to see you. It was actually me who suggested that he take advantage of your services." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Was there another reason you called?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been wondering what else I can do for him. He's been seeing you for about a month now and it doesn't seem to be helping. If anything he's more withdrawn than before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Psychiatry rarely produces instant results. It can take several weeks just to get to know a patient on the most superficial level. But are you saying you sent one of your staff to see me because he was withdrawn?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh no. It's not that at all. It's...surely you've noticed? Although he always tries to hide it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Noticed what?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You haven't been able to tell what's wrong with him?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean, Mr. Taylor?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut and let you get on with it then. To be fair to George." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you called to give me some information, please do. You can rely on my confidentiality." }, { "from": "human", "value": "No I'm sorry. I feel bad about this now. I...excuse me a moment. Ah. Dr. Balis?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm afraid I have to get off the phone. I'm sorry to have wasted your time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay Mr. Taylor. You can call me again if you wish." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye Mr. Taylor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of a telephone conversation between Mr. George Landau and Charles Balis, M.D., Monday, March 3, 1997 at 10:13 am.\nHello Doctor. It's George here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello George. You don't sound well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not. I couldn't keep my breakfast down." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nausea? Is there anything else in particular wrong?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm just sick, Doctor. I'm sorry. I won't make our session." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's alright. We can reschedule for later in the week if you think you'll feel better." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Let's leave it as next Monday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fine. I remember you were ill last month too." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, it's the same kind of thing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is there something particular which brings this nausea on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I...excuse me, I'm going to be sick again." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of a telephone conversation between Ms. Melissa Landau and Charles Balis, M.D., Monday, March 17, 1997 at 9:25 am." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello. Dr. Balis speaking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello Doctor. My name is Melissa Landau. I'm calling on behalf of my husband, George." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Ms. Landau. How is George?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not very well I'm afraid. He's in bed today. He has a temperature, and no appetite." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it won't keep him down for long." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It will be a day or two I think. But he asked me to call off your meeting today and apologize for him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's all right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He also asked me to say that he was...what did he say? \"Just plain sick this time.\" Do you know what he means?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I think so. I believe George is trying to save me time in our next session." }, { "from": "human", "value": "He really does enjoy them, Doctor. He tells me you're very good at what you do. I'm surprised he hasn't been difficult. I know what he can be like." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When you take up psychiatry you discover new dimensions to the word \"difficult\"." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well don't you let him get you down. He's just a stubborn old horse." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll bear that in mind." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was a pleasure speaking to you, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And you, Ms. Landau." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good day." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good day, Ms. Landau." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of a telephone conversation between Mr. George Landau and Charles Balis, M.D., Monday, April 7, 1997 at 9:55 am.\nDr. Balis speaking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, it's George." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George. I didn't expect to hear from you so soon. Are you okay? You sound upset." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My stomach certainly is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't make it to the training course. I got a cab but I had to get him to stop half way. I was sick on the sidewalk. The driver didn't care, it just irritated him. I paid him off and found a cafe to sit down in for a while." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you feeling better now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "A little. But I feel very dejected. I really thought it would be different this time. I really did. Of course you tried to warn me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you like to come in for a session this afternoon?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "To be honest, Doctor, I just feel like going to my bed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, perhaps you should do just that. Our session can wait until next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Could we make it the next week again? I feel like I need to do a lot of thinking on my own." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you still considering leaving therapy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, no, don't worry. Exactly how right you were was illustrated in glorious color on the street a little earlier." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'll hold that thought. We can make it the following week if you like. I have some suggestions to make regarding where to go from here." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. I'll be ready." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's Monday the 21st at 4 pm then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks for being there, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take care George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of Telephone Call between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. George Landau, Monday, June 16, 1997 at 1:30 pm.\nHello. Dr Balis speaking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hello, Doctor. It's George." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George. I wasn't expecting to hear from you for another half hour." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm afraid I want to cancel our appointment today. I'm sorry to give you such short notice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you sick?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I just don't want to come." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I thought we had discussed this. The flooding treatment is unpleasant, but it will work." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not just that. I want to be away from therapy for a while. I want a rest." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I really must advise against breaking your routine now. I have enough reservations about our fortnightly sessions." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sorry, Doctor, but my mind is made up. I have thought about this for a few days." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George, I wish you wouldn't do this." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Please don't put pressure on me. I feel bad enough already." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Because you know you need to continue with the treatment even if you don't want to." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I have to get off the phone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right, George. But remember you can make another appointment any time you feel ready. And you can still call me at any time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, Doctor. I really appreciate all you've tried to do for me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You've done the hardest bits yourself. Don't give up, George. We can still work it through." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'll think about it. Bye, Doctor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, George." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 13th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, January 6, 1998 at 1:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good afternoon, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are you doing today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exhausted would be a start." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What kind of exhaustion?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm physically whipped and emotionally drained. But I've been getting a sense of purpose beyond being a mark maker. It's really quite refreshing and very surprising." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The best way to explain what I mean is by telling you what's been happening the past couple of weeks. That's what I usually do, don't I?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's not so much what's been happening as what I've been doing. I found out after several conversations with Me that her aunt Maymilu was in the hospital with a stroke, and she was scared. Together we went to the hospital, talked to the doctors, and discussed her aunt's financial affairs. Me had already gotten doctors to write a letter stating that her aunt was presently incapacitated. That letter with the statutory power of attorney were accepted at her bank so Me could pay her aunt's mortgage and other bills." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "We sat by the bedside of her aunt. For two days, she just slept. She would appear to wake up with her eyes barely open, mumble something, and then go back into her deep sleep. The neurologist said that her stroke was on her right side and that she would recover most of her speech and physical body movement. We were somewhat heartened, but it was several days before we began to see a dramatic improvement. I shared something that I had never experienced--being there for another person. That's really worth living and dying for. A mark is just a symbol of being present. But the experience and memory of caring for another person is a very complex set of thoughts and feelings, as well as personal doubts and fears. A sense of compassion has begun to swell up in me. Aunt Maymilu has a living will, and at 80 years of age she is full of life and compassion for children. But she has decided that if she were to die, that she doesn't want to be revived and kept alive by artificial means." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Please talk a bit more about people and marks..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How has it turned your life around?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I imagine that it's like what happened to Chester with Jesus. A part of him just opened up to something that he hadn't considered. For me, it's a matter of perspective. I've been the focus of most of my life. Not that I haven't been a giving-type person, but creating my marks is a very solitary way of life. My recent involvement with Me's family has changed my perspective somewhat. More than somewhat. I can actually see myself spending time helping older people in some way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Before, with very little deviation, when I thought of myself doing something, it had always revolved around mark making. Now, I'm actually seeing myself doing something else, like spending time with older people." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How does this new perspective feel?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It feels great. I'm savoring it; I don't want it to go away. I'm also in a state of shock because I never expected something like this to happen to me. I was really getting used to myself as a mark maker. Part of my exhaustion has come from my lack of sleep. But mostly, I think it's all of the mental and emotional changes that I've been experiencing recently." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mentioned your brother Chester earlier. How are you two working out your differences?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I just told him that I couldn't meet him right now, but that I'm eager to continue a relationship with him whenever we can agree on a date and a time to get together." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How did that feel to be able to talk to him that way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was really amazing. My heart was beating out of my chest. I just told him what I had to say, and he accepted it. He seemed to accept me. I'm telling you, Doctor Balis, since I've been coming to therapy, my life has taken on a lot more excitement. I don't know if it's just coincidental or what, but it's very full." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. So it was difficult for you to talk to your brother..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's always been that way. I've always been nervous when I talk to him. I think that it started out with excitement. When I was a kid, he always told me how I was the one who had to be responsible for my parents. And he yelled at me after he got done talking with our parents. I don't know. I'm no shrink. No offense, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No offense taken. What it means to you is what it means. Although you're still suffering and have old scars, you're healing in ways that I don't think can be measured in verbal terms." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Wow. I never thought that I would hear that from you. I appreciate your comment very much. I think that you have clearly summed up how I feel, and that's very special to me. I know that you sometimes think that I have given you idle compliments, but I assure you that I truly mean this." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you. I appreciate that." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's amazing--I was given an unexpected week off from working at the gallery just as I needed it most, just when I needed the time to run errands for Me or stay with her and her aunt at the hospital. Something is happening with Jake and the gallery, but I don't know what it is. I think that it will be something unexpected. \"Unexpected\" seems to be what I should be expecting these days. I spent the week feeling useful and needed, and I didn't make one mark. One day, I did make a card for Maymilu. She liked it a lot, I could tell. She smiled from ear to ear as she took it out of the envelope." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is so captivating about Maymilu?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "\"Captivating\" is a great word choice. I don't know. Maybe it's her vitality. I didn't know her before, I just met her at the hospital. She was in a deep sleep for the first two days. And then she changed into a very animated women. Her personality breaks all of my stereotypes about Asian women. She is so openly friendly and appreciative. She gives me the courage to forge ahead just by who she is." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She sounds like a very interesting person. Did you meet any other members of Me's family at the hospital?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You couldn't actually say that I met her other friends and relatives. Me and I were kind of isolated. Me thought that it was because I wasn't Asian, but I really don't know why. Occasionally, other people arrived to see Auntie. But after they conferred with Me, Me and I usually left to do some errands--like banking and taking in Maymilu's mail. I spent a lot of time reading the Wall Street Journal and Investor's Business Daily." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. You expressed your interest in the Stock Market last time we spoke." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've been studying and learning the terminology. And I've made some trades with good results. Now, I'm waiting for the results of some other investments that I've made. Chester sent me some money. I forgot to mention that. After conferring with Chester--he had some success in the Market--and the stock broker that I was talking to you about, I've invested the money in a combination of Mutual Funds and Blue Chip stocks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're taking a conservative approach to the Market." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm blown away that I have any interest in this at all. It seems as if there's a connection between learning more about myself and learning more about how the world works." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you think that you're making more connections now than you have in the past?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm sure of it. I've always felt like an open person, but my focus was very narrow and directed. Now, I feel less focused and more liberated. Do you get what I'm saying?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have a more expanded view of your personal life and the life that surrounds you now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're really on the money this afternoon, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sometimes the magic works." }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're loosening up, too." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Maybe both of us are." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm. I think I'm out of steam, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's fine, we're just about out of time. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about briefly before we conclude our session?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Happy holidays to you, too. I'll be taking a two week vacation starting next week. In case of emergency call the service. There will be a doctor on call. And in an emergency, you can always talk to me directly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Have a good vacation, Doc. See you next time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Great. Let's see, our next appointment will be Tuesday, January 27th at 1 pm, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's fine." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Great. Goodbye, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doc." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 14th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, February 24, 1998 at 10:00 am.\nGood afternoon, Kester. It's been a long time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good afternoon, Doc. Yeah, it's been a while." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How are you doing?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Actually, I'm doing well. I'm very satisfied." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What is so satisfying?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm emotionally on a very even keel right now. I've been thinking that I wasn't going to come to see you today. But I've been away for several weeks, so I thought I should show up and share what's been happening with me. That sense of purpose that I was talking to you about last time we talked has been growing stronger, which is a pleasant surprise. It's really quite refreshing not to feel so driven. Don't get me wrong, my focus is still strong, but in a much different way. It's actually hard to put into words exactly." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you like to try?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I would. I think the best way to explain what I mean is by example. Jake came to me and said that he was becoming more and more impressed by my work and by my attitude about my art. Now, that's one thing that has changed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Calling my work \"art.\" I can say it with pride, with a smile, and with a good feeling. I don't feel like I have to explain it the way I did before. I'm not talking about the explanation of my art as gestures, or brushstrokes, or even personal historical moments. My discomfort with myself has been transformed in some way." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you mean that now you are comfortable with calling your work \"art?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "In a very simplistic way, I'm experiencing the meaning of the phrase \"It's okay, I'm okay.\" It's not so much what I've been doing that has changed, it's me, the doer, that has changed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "My several conversations with Me's aunt in the hospital continue to affect me. I was there for her, and it feels like she gave me back a part of myself that I didn't know was missing. Now that Aunt Maymilu is back home and doing well, I've continued going to see her. I feel like my relationship with Me is my bridge to a relationship with Maymilu. Me and I are actually still involved, but involved in a changing way. I will forever be indebted to Me, no matter what happens between us in the future. And Me has been very important to me also. She came along when I really needed both a friend and lover. I was much more needy then. But my needs have changed considerably since then. In some ways, Me wants me to be the way I was. But I can't; I don't want to be the way I was. I'm not sure exactly what I'm talking about, Doctor. But whatever it is, I just feel so much better, freer, more whole, and more balanced now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. You've described some changes in your attitudes and feelings. I sense there is a change in your relationship with Me. I'd like to understand more about that and about your relationship with Me's aunt." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Just hold on, let me continue. Now, I can sit quietly without having to create peace through the ritual of my brushstrokes--through my marks. Since these changes in me, I've been sleeping much better. Facing the possible death of Auntie May-mi put my inner turmoil in perspective. It's all less dramatic, less significant now. I mean it not in a pejorative way, just in a routine one. Am I making any sense to you? Are you picking up on what I'm trying to share with you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not sure. I gather your perspective has changed by your recent experiences." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Our last session is so vivid in my mind, I feel like I can recall everything I shared with you. It's because I shared something that I had never experienced before--being there for another person, getting a handle on what's really worth living and dying for. My marks have always been vital to my daily functioning. But as I told you last time, they are just symbols of being present. The experience and memory of caring for another person is more vital to me now. That compassion that I spoke of has continued to develop in me. What a miracle. I feel like dedicating my life to caring for others, but not because I have to or because I'm driven to it, but because it feels natural and easy, like the first mark I ever made. Aunt Maymilu and I have been visiting several retirement hotels. I've been visiting with the people there and sharing my thoughts, my feelings, and my art and poetry with them. And I've been asked to come back." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's great." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Over the past few weeks, I've been offered a stipend to go and do this on regular basis. Me doesn't know what to make of this whole thing, but she seems to be happy for me. But I'm spending more time with her aunt and her aunt's friends than I am with her. Me understands; she says that she supports what I'm doing. But I'm getting mixed messages." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are they?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's ambivalence. I don't like it, but I think I understand it. She was having a relationship with a person, and now that person is not quite the person she thought. But I really don't want to talk about Me and our relationship. Is that all right with you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's fine. What would you like to talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "When I talked to you about my marks during our last session, I mentioned that they have something to do with my mortality, my life, living and giving something that would last beyond my life--something that would live on. I now believe that it's my relationship with people that will live on and make my life meaningful. My art has been my way of celebrating life. But it's also been protecting me from certain aspects of life that were difficult for me to face. Now, my relationship to my art has changed. Wow, it feels so good to call it \"my art.\" What a relief. I always had a negative reaction to critics of all types. I guess that's one of the reasons I had never thought about going into therapy." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's always good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Oh, yes. I'm a lucky man. And I know it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'd like to talk about Jake. He's been upset because business had not been up to his expectations, and he had several cancellations lately. He asked me if I would be interested in having a one man show, and I agreed. The particulars are still not nailed down. And I've discussed with him moving out of the gallery. Jake said that he would try to get a replacement for me, but he was irritated that he had to also deal with that. He said he still wanted me to have a show." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Do you know where you want to live now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've got a few possibilities. I'm considering living in a combination of a few retirement hotels. But it's all in the future. For now, I'm just going to go with the flow as best I can. I talked with Chester and told him what has been happening with me. He seemed really open to me. I believe he's becoming more accepting to new ideas. In fact, both of our perspectives have gone through major changes. I'm sure that it's just as much my change in perspective as it is his that is having me see him in a new light. We plan to get together some time this year, maybe in the summer. Who knows?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You seem to be working to understand what's going on inside of you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's truly an understatement. My smile feels new and fresh. Everything seems much less forced. I always thought that I was a very relaxed, easy going guy. But compared to now, I think I must have been quite uptight. I don't like thinking about myself in those terms, but my narrow focus--although celebratory--was also exclusionary, and that's just a fact. There's no put down, no judgment, just an additional light of awareness, you might say." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seems like I'm thinking more clearly now, and have a new openness to insights about myself. Well, mostly it feels great. I continue to savor my new perspective and understanding. And it doesn't seem like it's something that will go away because it's based on my own personal experience and not on anyone's theory about me or my life. I feel more comfortable with myself, and I'm not second guessing myself. I'm just enjoying my expanded feelings and thoughts as well as my new friends. This experience is not an 'either or' situation. My feelings of exhaustion have become a non-problem. My working hours have not really changed, but in the same amount of hours, I'm getting more relaxed sleep. I'm feeling like I have more energy than before. Life is so strange. It's still quite unexpected, but quite nice." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We're just about out of time. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about before we conclude our session today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really. I think I've said pretty much what was on my mind and in my heart. I'll tell you one thing, I feel like my language and choice of words are changing in front of my own eyes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I hope you had a good vacation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thank you, Kester, I did. Will I be seeing you in a couple of weeks?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, that will good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay, let's see. How about Tuesday, March 10th at ten in the morning?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. Goodbye, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Kester." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 1st Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, June 24, 1997 at 10:00 am.\nHello. I'm Kester Langford. Doctor Balis, I presume?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nice to meet you, Mr. Langford. Please come in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Where do you want me?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Some people prefer the couch, others the chair." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Cool, thanks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So, what's the reason that you came to see me today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I haven't been feeling my best. I just realized that I've been kind of holding my breath, you know?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. I guess I'm a little nervous and uptight. I've never done this before." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Therapy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said over the phone that you couldn't really tell me what you wanted to talk about until we got together." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you like to try now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. Well, it's strange. I've got this thing that I like to do. In fact, I like it better than sex or anything. I'm not discounting sex. No, no. I'm just saying that this thing of mine is life altering. These experiences have shaped my life's path and direction." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How is that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, it's hard to explain. Mostly all I think about is planning for and making my marks. It consumes me. Some people might even say that I'm obsessed with making marks. People call them designs on paper, canvas, pottery, on anything really. Sometimes I do it with markers, pencils, erasers, paintbrushes. I love it, but I can't seem to make it pay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In what way?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Pay in a financial way. It wasn't my idea in the beginning. It was more like a suggestion in a time of need. I started doodling when I was around eleven years old. I always thought it was pretty cool, mostly because it was fun to do and mostly because it took my mind off other stuff. At nineteen, I got serious about my marks and they became brushstrokes. Through the years, people and friends have told me that what I was doing was art and that I could sell my artwork and be a full time artist. Then, there were friends that said that what I was doing was a joke, not art at all, and who did I think I was passing these marks off as art? I've said no. I continue to say that I'm not an artist. I'm just a guy who loves making marks...and the creative process. But I still have to find a way to pay the bills, to eat, and to live indoors when I feel like it. There's no doubt that I'm caught in a dilemma." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Learning to support yourself in a different way, that is?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. The problem is that I don't want to stop my mark-making lifestyle, but I would like more financial freedom so I could have more control of when and where I eat and sleep. Most of the time, I'm living in a room in someone's house or apartment or out in the open." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you tried to get work to support yourself?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've always found ways to support myself--taking care of older people, working with kids in day care, being a chauffeur. That's really the point, isn't it, Doc? When I'm away from making my marks for more than a couple of hours or a couple of days, I start feeling uncomfortable. The intensity of unpleasant feelings reaches a state that making my marks takes over and I quit my job or get fired for not paying attention. All of this affects me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I feel like I'm off kilter, that I've lost my sense of balance." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you feel like you've lost balance emotionally and physically?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I'm only talking about my physical reaction. I don't believe any of that psycho babble mumbo jumbo." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You don't believe that you can be off balance emotionally?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I really don't want to go into that right now. I just wanted to tell you what I haven't been telling anyone else. This has really been bothering me. The feelings that I get from making, and painting, and drawing, and scrapping my marks are much stronger than my need for food and shelter." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, what do you think, Doc? Can you help me out?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you think I can help you, Kester?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess that's a fair question even though it seems pretty obvious to me. Come on, Doc! Most people are able to earn a living doing whatever they know how to do or want to learn to do. Even poor people. That's funny--I don't even consider myself a poor person and yet, in reality, I'm poor when it comes to things and food. But when it comes to energy, enthusiasm, and spirit, as well as the ability to express my own human voice among the people, I'm one of the richest men alive." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like you've accepted yourself and you value what you do." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But that's really not the point, is it Doc? Can't you see what's troubling me? I mean, come on. I'm in a bind. I want to get unhooked from either my obsession with making my marks--which I'll never give up--or figure out how to support my habit of buying paint, ink, paper, and brushes, instead of buying food and a steady roof over my head. I'm not talking about ownership or anything like that, although that does cross my mind when I think about throwing my money into an apartment somewhere and helping someone else get rich. It's that old \"either I'm creating my own dream or I'm living out someone else's.\" I don't want to end-up in an institution or a jail somewhere." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You have been giving this a lot of thought..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doc, this isn't something I'm just thinking about. I'm living this day and night for thirty years. Of course, I've thought about this for a long time. How about a life time?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I didn't mean to give an impression that..." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Don't get me wrong, Doc, I can feel that you're listening to me and hearing me all right. I'm just frustrated having to deal with this over the past thirty years." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can imagine that it would be difficult." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Doc, it's not really that difficult most of the time, you know? Actually, I feel like a free spirit. But there's an intermittent hang-up, a glitch, a very profound low. It's dark, and I'm terrified to do anything. That's when I can't even make a mark. That's really a problem, sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I would very much like to hear more before I make any specific suggestions or recommendations. I would also like to see some of your marks. Do you think you can bring some of your marks the next time we meet?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's cool. I can do that. I guess it's unrealistic for me to think that after talking with me for a short while, you could help me solve a conundrum that has been with me most of my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Therapy takes time. Not only will it take time to figure out ways of solving some of your problems, it will take time identifying exactly what those problems are. But don't feel discouraged. We had a good session. Is there anything that you would like to say before we end for today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, not really. All I really want to say is that I'm not as patient as I seem--I don't know how long I can hold out feeling like this anymore." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. I've got to ask you this. Pardon me if it seems rather harsh and direct, but are you suicidal? Have you thought about taking your own life?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's an important question. There were times in my life when I thought suicide was an option. But right now, I don't have a plan or anything. I've decided many years ago that no matter how bad it gets, as long as I have a breath still in me, there would be a possibility of experiencing the gloriously positive aspects of my life. When I remember the times when I felt that all was right with me and the world, I become encouraged to continue living." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm pleased to hear that. It seems to me that you have a lot more to offer and a lot more to experience in your life." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now, does this time work for you? Would you like to schedule our next session for the same time next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That will be fine, Doc. Well, okay. See you next week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Next week, then. That's July 1st at 10 am. Goodbye, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doctor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 2nd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, July 8, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nHello, Dr. Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Mr. Langford." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Dr. Balis, I never did ask you if you mind my calling you \"Doc.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, that's perfectly fine with me. Thanks for asking." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't remember whether you called me Mr. Langford or Kester last time, but I prefer Kester." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'd be glad to call you Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I think we're off to a good start." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I've brought some of my marks to show you but all of the images are turned towards the wall as you can see. Still, having them with me gives me a sense of safety. I'm glad that you suggested that I bring them to show you. Everywhere I go, I end up leaving a few marks, but I never know where I'm going to be sleeping or staying from day to day sometimes. Wherever I've stayed, people have been open to letting me leave some of my marks with them. Some people even like to hang them up while they're keeping them for me. I went to three different places to bring these marks to you. Also, I felt a little stiff last time with this artificial relationship that we are developing. I'm glad that we can just relax and work things out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are the things that we're working out?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "The name thing and being able to share my marks. I can't imagine what you can learn from them to help me, but I'm open to just about anything, as you well know. Are you ready to see them or do you have some questions for me to answer?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, more the point, are you ready to show them to me? Or is there a question that you would like to answer first?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You're funny Doc. Sometimes you guys make things so complicated. I don't know how this therapy thing works. Don't you have some questions about my past or about my life...my parents? I'm just trying to be a good patient so I can get some help." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't have any stock questions if that's what you mean. This is an organic process. My questions are suggested by what you talk about--by what's important to you. In large part, my job is to try to help you clarify issues which are important and relevant to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Whoa! That puts all the responsibility on me. Why do I need you?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's ultimately up to you to decide if I play a meaningful part in the process." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think that it's way too early to decide. You seem like a good person with a good heart, and I like what you said about how you see your job. But I do remember that last time you mentioned you would give me some recommendations after you have gathered enough information about me. That both encourages and scares me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was encouraged because I felt that you saw something in me that gave you hope and that encouraged you about my ability to break through and see the light at the end of the tunnel. But as I mulled that over, I felt uncomfortable with the thought that you could see something in me that I've had difficulty seeing in myself, especially after such a short time. I began to doubt that you saw anything and that you were just putting me on, which in turn frightened the hell out of me for a while. Whatever it takes to create something different for myself--that awareness, that skill--I believe that will be something that I'll have to develop over time. Of course, I'm in a hurry. I may be way out, on the edge of the envelope, but I know that to develop new habits takes a while. Of course I'm looking for a quick fix, but I don't believe that one exists. So, that's about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. Well you covered a lot of ground there. It took a lot of courage to be honest with me and I appreciate that. You're right, there are no quick fixes. The idea of our sessions together is that through our dialogue certain parts of your life, your personality, and your emotions become clearer to both of us. I may have misspoken if I led you to believe that I would be examining you and then coming up with a plan. You're the one that's going to come up with the plans and suggestions. The more time we spend together, the more trust and understanding we will develop. And it's the process of working together which will illuminate the issues which are currently troubling you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doc, you really surprise me. I never expected you to respond so honestly. How about we look at some of my marks?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's your show." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's it really. It's my show. That's what I'm learning. I painted this brushstroke with black ink on this 8 by 10 inch piece of pure rag paper. You probably noticed that I didn't sign it, yet. When someone wants to hang it up, we can discuss the signature, the color, the placement. This brushstroke has no preconceived meaning but it often symbolizes something when someone buys it or hangs it up. For me, it's many things. It represents time spent in a room painting and remembering my feelings, the sense of release and relief. The whole process symbolizes my own celebration of my own creative process. The day that I remember really doing my first mark and being totally aware that moment was the first time, I can remember feeling free. Until that moment, I had felt trapped. I couldn't seem to just relax and experience my own creative expression without criticizing my way in and out of it. I was not a happy camper." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What else does it mean to you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It shows that I can express myself as a human being artistically, creatively." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's a gift." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I agree. But it comes with a price. It's not very popular or I'm not a good promoter or both. I can't put it on anyone but myself. I've done everything wrong. I don't write a diary like Asimov and I can't paint worth a damn, traditionally speaking only, of course, and most of my work is in black and white, and I haven't contacted enough of the right kind of people. I've just been having fun painting brushstrokes and drawing shapes, and writing an occasional poem." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How would you describe your emotions right now." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Kind of bummed out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's going on?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's unpleasant. When I think about \"reality\" it sucks. I feel bad because the thing that I love appears worthless to others. It's not that there aren't people who appreciate what I do, but they are so few and far between. Even $1,800 for a painting is not a lot if it's only among a dozen sold over a period of 30 years. I've decided that I produce so little that the prices must be high, so I recently went over to a friend's house and told him that his 4' x 5' acrylic on canvas that he was hanging in his living room now had a price tag of $35,000. I realized then that things had changed and something extraordinary was going to happen. You know it's really a fluke that I'm here, don't you, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean, from SII?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yeah. But it's pretty interesting. I worked as a proof reader off and on for several years, maybe five. Even though I haven't worked in over six months, I'm still covered under some residual insurance benefit." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm losing your train of thought. I need to go back and connect some of the things that you said. You told your friend to quote a $35,000 price when someone asks about the painting. Therapy is being paid for by the insurance company and you're unhappy because you don't think enough people value your work. Does that sum it up?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Reality sucks. If I were a cobbler, I would have shoes to make, sell, and repair. If I were a baker, I could bake fine breads and pastries and earn that way. But I'm a mark maker and I haven't made a place for myself that earns a decent living--some kind of living, at least." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Many artists in our society producing fine art never really earn a living as artists." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you for saying that. In fact it's funny, but I was just about to say how glad I was that you hadn't made that particular generalization about artists in our society. But then, when you said it, it felt like I was hearing it for the first time, and I have to admit a distinct pleasure in having you include what I do in your definition of \"fine art.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, obviously I'm not an expert. But to me, what you do is clearly fine art, and you are an artist. I realize that you're still working on that one. What do you think is keeping you from making the transition from \"mark maker\" to \"artist?\"" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Although it would give me pleasure, I don't have the gift that lets me draw and paint according to the art school model of what artists should be able to do. Most people think that if you don't draw well, you're not an artist. I didn't go to art school and all of the classes in life drawing and drawing and painting methods that I have taken privately have not been as much fun as when I'm alone expressing myself artistically and creatively. I think that I have a right to my own creative expression and that I should be able to sell it and make a living." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't know much about the art business, but making art is only half of it. You also have to sell art." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's just another thing that I can feel bad about, because it's been happening for thirty years. With regards to the business of selling my art, does lazy ring a bell?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes it does. By choosing the word \"lazy,\" you're subtly putting yourself down. It's okay to move at your own pace. Now you're considering picking up the pace with respect to the business of selling art." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to get too excited but this is sounding pretty good. I really appreciate your statement about going at my own pace. That's cool. Thank you for pointing out how subtly I can put myself down out of habit. That's a mind blower. This is getting more interesting all the time, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's the interesting part?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Your ability to help me see how the words that I choose affect how I feel. I won't be using the word lazy any more. Thank you. It just occurred to me that if I were to make a list of people to contact and get into the habit everyday of doing something towards my goal of selling my paintings, then I would be encouraging myself every day, in a way, don't you think?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds probable. And it sounds constructive." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. When I focus on all the negative stuff, it gets me down. Part of me believes that I don't have a right to be myself. I know that can't be right. I want to turn things around for myself because I feel great most of the time, but those lows are killers. Anyway, right now I'm feeling very good because I know what I'm going to do today and for the next week. I always take a \"let's see what happens\" attitude. It gives me breathing space. Realizing that making marks and the business of selling my work are two different skills, I can proceed with new energy and insight. That's amazing and so simple." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mentioned earlier that you write a poem now and then. Do you have any poems with you that you'd be willing to share?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. But I have to warn you. My poems aren't like any others that you've seen. First, they all have only seventeen syllables and second they are not want-to-be Japanese Haiku. They are sound poems of seventeen syllables." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have any with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I don't have any with me but I remember quite a few by heart." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Okay." }, { "from": "human", "value": "The names of the poems are usually represented by their first word. Ready? \"Life slips by my dreams of jewels and leaves shining pearls smiling wisdom.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would you repeat that again, a little slower please." }, { "from": "human", "value": "\"Life slips by my dreams of jewels and leaves shining pearls smiling wisdom.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You chose to read that poem first. Why?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I wrote it 26 years ago. I remember what it's about even now. It's a code to say that although I have not succeeded in attaining riches, I have been showered with a gift of clarity that both grounds me to what I think of as routine reality and it also propels me beyond my own feelings of limitations. It is truly a beautiful thing when wisdom visits you. And I'm not being cute. I really mean it. I feel very fortunate to continue to live in a way that promotes insight and wisdom at times. It's another great reason to stay with the great fight of learning how to live in a way that is meaningful and true to oneself. I know that I'm unduly obsessed, but I know there's some good in that and I don't want to leave that good behind. I want to keep it with me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That seems like a good place to end our session today, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "This session was much different from what I expected. Today was a pleasant surprise. I'm going to bring the marks that I haven't shown you today to our next session with a couple more poems, too. Would that be okay?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That will be fine, Kester. Is next week at this time still good for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Until the insurance runs out. I'll see you then." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, then." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, July 22, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nHey, Doc!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I started to call you several times to cancel our appointment but here I am." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad you decided to come to the session today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Isn't that a little premature, Doc? You don't know what I've been going through. \"Glad\" is a little too cheery for my part. Nothing would make me feel glad right now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What seems to be bothering you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "\"What seems to be bothering me?\" Pardon me, Doctor Balis, that \"seems\" is very condescending." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I didn't mean it that way. You appear very agitated today, so I was just inquiring about how you were doing." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not sure that I really want to talk about it, but I will tell you that I didn't have a good week...or two weeks...whatever. From the time I left this session until right now, things haven't been going too well. I've been given a two weeks notice to move out of my room. And I didn't do any of the things we talked about last time--mostly I slept and watched television. I don't have cable, but fortunately I don't even mind having only a black and white set. I hate soap operas and talk shows. My life really sucks. And news make me angry." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hmm. So what's really bothering you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Very funny, Doc. Take your pick. What would you like for me to talk about first? My love life?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm interested in hearing about whatever you want to talk about, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm asking for a little direction, Doctor. What do you want me to talk about?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is only the second time you've mentioned your love life. Is that what you want to talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No. I'd rather talk about where I'm going to live in two weeks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about having to move?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Shit! Pardon my French, but I told you that I slept and watched television. I'm scared, and I'm pissed off. It's just the same old thing. Who knows? As far as I know, I'm going to be sleeping on a park bench or under the freeway next week. And I have to figure out where I'm going to stash my current collection of marks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I see. Are you looking for a place?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I really don't feel up to it, whatever it is. I always go to different coffee houses, read, and put up notices that I need a room. And then I wait. Sometimes I call the few friends that I have and ask them if they know of a place or if I could crash for awhile at their places." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is that what you're going to do this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know. I just feel like everything is just in a hopeless mess. But if I had the energy, I'd like to keep going." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm not ready to prescribe any medication for you, Kester, but would you be adverse to taking medication if I decide to prescribe some for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Medication for what?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you might be suffering from a cyclic form of depression, which is often triggered by a chemical imbalance in the brain. We have some wonderful drugs to treat this form of depression, and I wanted to know if you'd allow me to consider this form of therapy?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Who'd pay for the drugs?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We'd arrange that through the insurance company. But why don't we focus on first things first. Do I have your permission to consider drugs in your case?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure, I'll consider it, if you think it's important. Thank you, Doctor. I feel a little strange right now, almost light headed. I think that I'm relieved in some way. I'm not sure what's happening to me right now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you think you can describe it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, if I have a chemical imbalance, then there's a chance that I can take medication and feel better. I can maybe even improve the quality of my life. It seems like a glimmer of hope. I've been afraid that you might decide that I was really crazy, you know? Put me on medication or have me committed. Now, I think that taking medication can possibly save my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm pleased that you agreed to take the medication, but I think that you're jumping ahead of yourself. Let's go one step at a time, before we come to any conclusions--just take one small step at a time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay, Doc. Fair enough." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel right now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's hard for me to say exactly, but I feel better than I did when I arrived here today. I do have something to ask you, Doctor, but I'm uneasy about bringing it up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Is there something I can do to put you more at ease?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Not really." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Take your time, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Doc, I want to know if it would be possible to hang one of my marks up on your wall? Wow, I actually spit it out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sorry, Kester. I would like to, but I have a lot of patients and I have to keep the decor of my office as neutral as I can. If you notice, I don't even have pictures of my family here." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Hmm." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you have any family, Kester?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "My parents both died within two years of each other. Mom died in 1990 and my Pop died in 1992. My older brother lives in Europe somewhere--we haven't talked in ten years. Chester is a high powered stock broker. Last time I heard, he was into his fourth marriage. We had a falling out, as I said, years ago, and we haven't spoken since. By the time I was able to talk, he had already moved away from home. He had a very bad relationship with the folks, so most of our communicating was done over the telephone. We never really got to know each other very well. So the short answer is that I don't have any family, no." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you feel about that?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thinking about my family bums me out. But I'm kind of used to it, even though I don't like the way things have turned out. Actually, I'm feeling a little less agitated right now, but I'm still somewhat uncomfortable." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why are you uncomfortable?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's because there's something that I don't want to talk about. But I think I should talk about. It's really natural, and it doesn't really matter, but I'm very upset about it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you be more specific?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It has to do with being a man. I'm totally embarrassed. I don't think I can talk about it with anyone, even though I think that it happens to most men. Not that I know the statistics, but it just seems like my time has come, like it or not." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you think you have a medical problem?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm pretty sure that it's physiological and not psychological or emotional. But of course my fear is that I either have a real medical problem or something is really wrong with me emotionally." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sexual problems are always difficult to talk about." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor Balis, how did you know that I was talking about a sexual problem?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You gave me a number of clues. But we are coming to the end of the hour, and I think it would be better to start on this next time. Does that seem okay with you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess so." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What did you think of our session today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It was good, I guess. It seemed real short. And I'm still unsure about where I'm going to live and how I'm going to earn some money. The medication thing could be good. And I decided to be a little more personal." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad. Do you want to make an appointment for next week?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. Same time, same station, all right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. See you then. Goodbye, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Goodbye, Doc. Thanks." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 4th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, July 29, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good afternoon, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I guess I don't have to wait for you to ask me any questions for me to start, right Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's up to you where and when we start." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well then, I'll start by telling you that I was much more disappointed that you didn't let me hang one of my marks on your wall than I let on last week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Oh?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes! When I left last time, I spent the next few hours off and on composing a see-you-later letter which included a good deal of profanity. I finally worked it out, because, as you can see, I am here. But it was touch and go there for awhile. You really pissed me off." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you talk more about your feelings?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "You actually want to hear more about how utterly outraged I was by your rejection of me? I mean your explanation was logical enough, but logic was not what I was after. I really don't want to hear another well thought-out series of reasons about why it's inappropriate for you to hang my marks, because it's not going to make me feel any better. I know that no matter what I say, you're not going to change your mind, which, believe it or not, gives me some comfort." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What was comforting about knowing that I wasn't going to change my mind?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, while growing up, it was never clear to me what my parents were going to do or how they were going to act at any given moment. They always changed their minds about everything. It was impossible to read them, which I think contributed to my difficulties in making up my mind about things. They always told me to stick to one thing, while they were always going from one thing to another. My pop was a printer, but he was never satisfied with his job. So he went from job to job. And mom could never decide whether to get a job or stay home--I never could figure that one out. In addition to that, they loved moving from apartment to apartment. Sometimes, we'd move three or four times in one year. Yes, we're going to stay. No, we're going to move again. I had a hard time counting on whether I was going to stay with my new friends in the neighborhood or have to find new new friends in the new place. I hated moving from place to place. Sometimes, I think that I'm both of my parents rolled into one person." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are you feeling now?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I'm feeling sad--way too sad, and angry as hell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How about you start with sad and then we can talk about being angry as hell?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I miss my parents. They were the only real friends I've ever had. With all their shit, I always knew that they loved and appreciated me, even though they said many times that they didn't understand why I made my marks all the time. They even had some of my marks hung up in our house. I was happy to see my marks when I would visit them. But the truth is that it really didn't fit in with their decor, but I was their son, after all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Would it be accurate to say that my being firm was almost comforting because it set some limits for you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't know about that, Doc. That's your department. You said no and that's what it meant. I was hurt at the time you said what you said. And then as the hours and days rolled on, I became more and more angry at you--I was yelling and screaming at you out loud and in my imagination. As the days passed, I realized that my sadness and hurt didn't have anything to do with you and that I was thinking about everything and everyone that ever hurt me. My anger became the kind of thing that encompassed all of my anger--my anger towards my parents for dying, my anger towards myself for not taking the next step towards my dream, my anger about getting older, and on and on and on. Everything is so interwoven and interconnected, it's hard to separate things out sometimes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's hard to separate out?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Why I'm so fucking angry, and hurt, and immobilized so often. With you, it seems that when you say something, then that's the way it is. I don't have to second guess when you're going to change your mind or to think about how I'm going to try to help you do that. It's just something that I don't have to worry or think about any more. I'm not going to have my marks up in your office. And I know that no matter how much I seem to take it personally--as a personal rejection or put down--that it's not. It's just what you say it is. You don't allow it not just for me, but for anyone. That's a clear message, and I hear it loud and clear. It just that it reminded me of the roller coaster events in my life which have hurt me deeply and which have intensely angered me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What or who do you think is responsible for your pain and anger?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is that a trick question or what? It's not about blame, Doctor Balis. It's about my own thoughts and feelings. It's about me. If anyone is responsible for how I feel and what I think, it's clearly me. That's the problem. If it were someone else, that would be easy to deal with. The difficulty is that it's me--my choices, my reactions to people and situations. That's why I decided to continue to show up to talk with you. The truth is that I don't want to give up my feelings and let go. I'm afraid that if I let go, I'll forget the most important people in my life, and I can't stand the thought of that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I can feel that there's something more there, Kester. Do you want to share it?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, Doctor Balis, I have to admit something, but it will take me a moment to gather my thoughts." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Continue when you're ready." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't really mind having to move, and I've always enjoyed my time living outside. I don't have a problem with that at all. Since my parents passed away, I haven't been able to function as well as I did when they were alive. I've been consumed with the pain of their loss. I could always go to them to share my excitement and enthusiasm about whatever project I would get involved in. When I would get down, they were there to help prop me up. Now, my life is like a morgue. My excitement has been diluted to marginal interest, into a downright \"who cares\" attitude. And it frightens me, because I've lived an exciting and somewhat charmed life, and the gap seemed to be widening until yesterday." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What happened yesterday?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "When I left you last week, I went to three different coffee houses ready to post my requirements for a place. I found a note that offered room and board for doing security on the weekends. When I went to check it out, it was a studio apartment above The Range Gallery. It seemed too good to be true. The gallery had been vandalized recently, and paintings and sculptures were disfigured. The gallery had an alarm, but for some reason it malfunctioned. The insurance company told Jake to get a security guard or they wouldn't insure the gallery any longer. The note was a little misleading, because the job was for six nights a week. The good news was that I didn't have to wear a uniform or carry a gun, and there was a security system in the apartment with a monitor that covered the entire inside of the gallery. If I was willing to take the graveyard shift six nights a week, the place was mine. There was one hitch. One night a week, someone else had to stay in the apartment and watch the monitor. I agreed and I'll move in at the end of the week." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm glad that you've found a place to live." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thanks, Doc. Having my own place, so to speak, is necessary, but it doesn't really change my feelings and what I'm going through for more than a brief moment. Of course I'm excited about the possibility of showing and selling my marks in the gallery, but that will take time to evolve. Jake said that he spends a lot of time at the gallery, so there will be time enough to have him see my marks--now that I will be living upstairs. It could be really great, but I have to take one step at a time and not rush it. My marks are so unusual compared to other forms of personal expression, that I have to take a conservative wait and see attitude." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Kester, I'm going to write an order out for a lab that's just down the street. I'd like you to go and give them a blood and urine sample." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is this something to do with the drugs that you were talking about prescribing?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Something like that. I'd like to check out certain things before prescribing drugs for you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "How long will it take to get the results?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It usually just takes a few days. You're concerned about the results?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure. I think that's only natural. I mean it may change my life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think that it would be better if we talk about that when the results are in." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Okay. Something really cool happened. I'm not sure, but I think it helped me sort out my feelings of anger towards you and then, of course, towards myself. While I was waiting to meet Jake at the gallery, I saw an old girlfriend that I hadn't seen or talked to for over six years. Evelyn Bliss--I could never forget that name. When she saw me, she came over and gave me a great big bear hug, and I hugged back. For the entire afternoon, we just talked about old times. About how in love we were then, and the good times we had walking hand and hand along the beach. She was a prayer answered, and I don't pray." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What else did you talk about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "We discussed the gallery thing. She thought Jake was a hunk. I couldn't read Jake's reaction. Anyway, she told me about this documentary film she was making--something about the effects of pet monkeys on mental patients. Truly, I was drinking her in. I was feeling how exciting and stimulating--almost uplifting--it felt to be around her. Of course, she was leaving town the same night for somewhere in the push to be a part of another documentary experience. She's really cool!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You still really care about her, don't you?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I really do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How would you describe our session today?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, today I actually felt like a different person from the one that came in to see you six weeks ago. A lot of feelings are coming up for me. That's intense. And...well, I think that I'm opening up, but that I have ways to go before I get everything out. If you know what I mean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Definitely something to discuss next session. And, as I recall, we were going to talk about a sexual problem. Maybe we can take that up next session as well." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sounds like a plan." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How's next week at this time?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good. Goodbye and thanks, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Kester." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 5th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, August 5, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, Doctor Balis." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good afternoon, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Today I'm feeling like I don't need to be here." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Tell me about it." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Everything's so new and exciting now. I love my new place and the job is cool. It's about waiting and I can really understand the whole concept well." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You feel like you've been waiting?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's an understatement, but today I'd rather focus on what's really working for me. That's all right, isn't it, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Perfectly all right." }, { "from": "human", "value": "There's so much I want to share with you today. Don't get me wrong, Doc. I don't think that all my deep-seated doubts, fears, anxieties, and emotional problems have suddenly disappeared and that they have been assimilated with great ease and aplomb. I just had a good week and I want to celebrate. Part of what I want to be doing here today is celebrating with you. In fact, that's what I always want to be doing, but that's a little out there. Anyway, what do you want to hear about first, the new pad, the girl, or the job?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I know, Doc. I just wanted to see if I could get you to express a preference. I don't really care, but if I were being asked, I would choose the girl. So I'll go with my gut feeling. What do you say, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're very playful today." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes I am. I feel like the cat that swallowed the canary. It's kind of a giddiness. Many of my friends believe in Karma and that things are just meant to be. I think I believe in serendipity. Everything that feels good that's happening to me is happening all at once, like an avalanche of everything's okay. I don't mean to be beating around the bush but there are so many thoughts and feelings that I want to just say everything at once. I can't believe it. I think it's natural for me to feel good about getting a great studio and better than expected place to live all together with a job and to top it off Evelyn Bliss, this goddess, spent two days and nights with me, helping me to unpack and helping me to initiate the bedroom set. Yes, Doc, we used plenty of condoms." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good. Her last name is really Bliss? Wasn't she the one who was leaving town?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, and that's what's so amazing. I got my friend with a pick-up to help bring my stuff over to the apartment. One comfortable rocking chair, with pillows and a double futon. Some linens, blankets, assorted mugs, my hot plate, and two wine glasses. There were three but one got broken in the move. Actually I put a heavy box on the box that had the glasses in it and the glass broke. Just as I pulled up on Friday to move in, Evelyn's flight got canceled--something to do with the AIDs epidemic in Zaire. I thought she was going to the Amazon, so I was really out of it. Her departure was delayed three days so we spent two of them together. You see, I was jealous of the guy that she worked with. Who wouldn't have been--tall, great build, just got his Ph.D. in getting paid to go around the world and write articles and books. Tough job but somebody's got to do it. Sometimes I feel like everything I say is a clich��, but that's another topic. I am not that interested in that right now. Back to Evelyn. Do you have any questions?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "No, not at this time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sounds a little serious, Doc. We're celebrating, remember? When Evelyn was in town years ago, if I weren't with her most of the time, she felt left out, ignored, and she used to tell me that I spent too much time alone. Not that I was doing too much work. She always encouraged my mark-making, but she thought I should spend more time socializing in general and much more time specifically with her. When she was in town, Evelyn demanded all my attention, from my perspective, and so that was that. We were frustrated with each other. We were always open and honest with each other but we just needed to go our separate ways. We hugged and cried when we split up. We love and respect one another but our life timing is quite different. Viv�� la difference! We spent several hours a day in each other's arms, laughing, giggling, yelling and screaming, moaning and groaning. We spent a fair amount of time crying and was that incredible. Evelyn said that she hadn't been able to let go and just cry for at least five years. Crying isn't a problem for me, but this was a different kind of cry, from my very depths, the core of my being. It seems like I've been having a lot of experiences that require everything that I've got to give. Isn't that strange, Doc?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It seems like you're saying something, more than you're asking me a question. Is that accurate?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I would say that it's very perceptive on your part but that's your job. Actually, I've been thinking more and more that that's my job." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's your job?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seems strange that one moment everything seems to be falling apart and the next moment things seem great. It's just life. My job is to pay attention to myself and watch what's happening in a way that is self-affirming and healing. Evelyn has been talking about healing a lot--that sounded like something that she would say. She's so cool. She admitted to flirting with that guy years ago. She said that it wasn't anything serious, but she did sleep with him once. When I heard that, I felt myself getting angry and pulling away. We talked about how I was feeling and we really took care of each other. Sometimes I think about getting it together so I could take care of someone like Evelyn, but she doesn't need taking care of in the way that I was thinking. She is an independent soul, and that's what attracts me to her, one of the things. She's well built and fits perfectly, just like puzzle parts, and she's smarter than I am. I like the challenge. She says I'm very creative and romantic. I lit candles. The cabernet she brought was delicious. I was glad that the two wine glasses survived the move so we could make a proper toast. I read her some of my poems and some poems by T.S. Elliot and she helped me hang up some of my marks on the wall. I feel like I'm talking too much." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You said you wanted to celebrate. Do you feel like you're celebrating?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, I do." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Then, continue. I can see that you feel like a very lucky man." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I have always felt very lucky, but the wind was taken out of my sails for several years, and I forgot where my center was. I didn't really forget. When my parents died, it was like being kicked in the groin by a giant. It sounds funny to say it out loud but the absurdity expresses something beyond anything anyone can say. I can't help from smiling when I think of the time I've been having the past few days." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds like something to savor." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's for sure. I complain about my aches and pains, and every problem I ever have. It's like I use them as an anchor to pull me down, so why not celebrate what makes my spirit sing and my appreciation soar." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sounds reasonable. What else happened that you would like to talk about that you think is important?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Several of our conversations, Evelyn's and mine, were very interesting and important to me, but I think I would rather talk about those some other time, if that's okay." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That's totally up to you." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I discovered that my apartment is actually bigger than I'd thought. It's gigantic. Not only does it have a sink, a four-burner gas stove, refrigerator and an air conditioner but there's a storage area that I can use for painting and storing my paintings. The apartment is the same size as the gallery downstairs but the storage area is actually bigger than the living area of the apartment. It's not finished off like a normal room with walls--it's all open studs, a skylight, double windows on three sides, and an unfinished raw plywood floor. Jake seemed genuinely pleased that I was going to be able to use that storage area. The way things worked out, he really never got to see any of my marks, but he expressed an interest in seeing them as soon as I got settled in. When he came by, his mission was to give me the keys to the apartment and the gallery, show me how to use the alarm and tell me whom to call in case of an emergency. He left me a check list to go through each night and each morning with names and numbers. I agreed to work seven nights the first week to help him out. I was jazzed that he was so open to my using the storage area and to his interest in my marks." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It does sound ideal. You've had a very intense and productive week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "That's for sure. That sexual problem that I haven't talked about doesn't seem to be a problem any more, but I would like to talk to you about it anyway one of these days soon. I was wondering about my test results." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your tests came out fine. All of your blood levels are within the normal range. That means that we can consider treating you with medication without worrying about a problem with your health in general. But I'd say that no medication seems to be indicated at this time." }, { "from": "human", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think it's too early to being prescribing medication for you. I'd like to get to understand a lot more about you before I decide if that is the appropriate course to take. But I wanted to make sure that it was an available option if we decide to go that route, okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "That makes sense. Right now I don't think I need medication. I need to enjoy my new job and living space." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I agree. How long will Evelyn be gone?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "As far as I know, she's gone for a while. We took the Airporter together, her treat. It was great being chauffeured to and from SFO. I saw her get on Afrikaans Airline and I stayed until the plane took off. I definitely got teary eyed as she walked up the ramp. What a woman! She really filled me up with so much positive energy that it's hard to believe how differently I feel. She's a natural healer. What a gift!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That seems like a good note to end on today. Any further comments?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. The time just flew by today. It's like I just arrived and now it's time to go. I really enjoyed myself. I don't know how therapeutic our session was today, but it felt good." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Did you want to make an appointment for next week." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure, Doc. I am going to keep coming until either I have nothing to talk about or my insurance runs out. Thanks, Doc. See you next week. Same time all right?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "That will be fine. See you next week, Kester." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "Transcript of 6th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Kester Langford, Tuesday, August 19, 1997 at 1:00 pm.\nGood afternoon, Kester." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Good afternoon, Doc." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are you laughing about?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "It's rather involved." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The session's just begun--take all the time you need." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I was reliving the incredible contrasts between how I felt when I first came to see you, the euphoria of the week before last, and the present. Wow! What a ride! I was enjoying my awareness of these contrasting transitions. I know it's like giggling to myself. It's a benefit of self appreciation. I get the impression that you don't think I like myself very much. I think you're wrong." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, you're self appreciation has definitely gone up since we started together." }, { "from": "human", "value": "Thank you for not asking me to defend my opinion of myself. Between getting set-up in the apartment and getting used to an entirely new schedule, the week before last was exhausting. I was so tired that I could barely appreciate what a let down it was when Evelyn flew off to her new adventure. I've had other girlfriends off and on through the years, but none like her; Evelyn and I are soul mates. What was really a relief was that she never noticed any difference in me during our very sensual love-making. I had recently become aware that I'm not as automatically physically turned-on or stimulated by seeing a sexy girl or woman clothed or naked. My mind is still hungry and full of desire, but my body only reacts to physical contact, like kissing or touching. That surprises me. Talking doesn't do it anymore. Even five years ago, if we were having this conversation, I would have been physically aroused." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Do you mean that you would have had an erection?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Exactly. It's interesting to me to watch this transformation. I remember from my teens through my early twenties, being stimulated every morning and night--and quite a few times during the day--was normal for me. I've been noticing changes from when I was around thirty-five. It's been a gradual slow down. I think that I'll appreciate this change. It makes things a little simpler. I definitely feel less driven sexually, my mind is beginning to slow down to the pace of my body. But I'm very happy that everything is working just fine, though. There's just been a slow down in certain ways. It takes getting use to." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're describing a natural progression that most men go through. You sound like you're taking this in your stride." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I think so. I started telling you, that during my youth, I spent way too much time in a state of sexual arousal. Many times, I remember saying to friends that it was getting in the way. It's a lot more difficult thinking about anything but sex when you're so turned-on all the time." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You mean with an erection?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Yes. It's not that I don't think clearly, it's that I'm focused on doing something about my condition--making love, taking care of myself, or taking a cold shower. I've heard the \"cold shower\" suggestion throughout much of my life, but the truth is that I didn't learn it from reading, watching television, or going to the movies. Nobody ever told me, \"If you're horny, take a cold shower.\" It was a personal discovery. I used to take a lot of cold showers. Way too many, in fact." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How many?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Is that really very important?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well, I don't know what 'too many' means." }, { "from": "human", "value": "But it's in the past, and I'm telling you that it's not happening any more. I don't think my passion is gone. It was a kind of spontaneous intensity that I found more annoying and confusing than anything else. When my mind and heart were saying that what I wanted was honesty, closeness, a true caring, an exchange between loving human beings, my body was lusting after any female that caught my eye. I've always been attracted to strong women with opinions and lots of ambition. But I've often settled for someone warm, friendly, and near-by. Expediency and ecstasy were long time companions. I've never met a woman without some female problems, but that's a long story that I don't want to get into right now. I think that my mother only planned on having Chester and that I was a mistake. I'm not saying that I was unwanted, it's just that the enormous age difference between Chester and me was hard to miss. My parents had long gotten rid of any hand-me-downs." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We're covering a lot of ground here. What do you see as the important part of what you're telling me?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't mind answering that, but it seems like such an odd question. Most of my life, I haven't really confided in many people. Maybe that's what's so special about Evelyn. I don't know why I'm totally uninhibited with her--we've always been search the depth of our souls. That's rare. Most people don't seem to be very self aware, or if they are, it's really superficial--they don't show a passion for getting beneath the surface. My marks have been my way of expressing my passion and, through the years, they've ended up serving as a wonderful mirror to see myself. At the very least, they reflect an aspect of me that is intense, profoundly satisfying, and exciting. The marks are very emotional, and their spiritual nature comes from somewhere deep inside me. They're so strong but rarely erotic. They've been at times more satisfying than most other experiences in my life. I feel like I'm trying to sell you on this. I'm really not." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You're not?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "No, I'm not even trying to sell myself on my life's experience. As outrageous as it may seem to you, it's my life and I really love it. I just haven't had many people to share it with, and I'm glad to finally be able to express myself so directly in words." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's good that you're starting to trust me and can speak openly." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't think that is was going to be this easy or this healing. Actually, this is hard. Last week when I wasn't here, I was really tired. I felt down and lost and abandoned. It was like being deflated after soaring so high. I think there should be some middle ground--like my Buddhist friend Oshiro would say." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do you mean?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Well, I'd like it to be more like roaming plateaus and less like riding roller coasters. I want to feel a stable, solid foundation beneath me. I want to feel more of a connection between what I'm doing today, what I've done in the past, and what I'm going to do in the future. Can I tell you about this new job?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sure." }, { "from": "human", "value": "It seemed like it was going to be such a piece of cake. First of all, I have to lock up the gallery, set the alarm, check all the cameras in the gallery plus the two cameras outside. What a set-up. I had to call Jake at least three or four times to help me with certain details. And then it's very difficult to stay awake all night, and even more difficult to sleep during the day. Even though I was so tired during my vigil time, I had a very hard time falling asleep and staying asleep after my shift. The first week, it was like all I was doing was taking cat naps. I had to figure out a way to block the light from coming in through the windows. Jake gave me the money to buy some blinds and they work well, fortunately. I had a greeting card that I drew on the desk, and Jake mentioned that he thought it was cool. But there was so much going on besides my marks, that the conversation never went any further. I've had to learn to literally turn my life upside down. I don't know what I was thinking. Yes I do--I was desperate. I'm not really complaining, I'm describing what's happening as openly and as honestly as I can. I never got a chance to tell you about the board thing. You know, the job was for room and board. I have a weekly allowance for food, but I also have some half-price coupons for a place across the street that serves vegetarian everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "With such a change in your sleeping habits, how have you been eating?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Even with the allowance and the coupons, I have not been eating much of anything. It seems that when I'm the most hungry, I'm also the most tired. So I can barely eat. And then when I'm ready to make my marks, I'm too focused and hyper to eat. I think that the changes that I'm going through--the new job and place to live--are good for me. It's actually more than just a place to live, it's more like a way of life. I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but it feels very different--good but different. I feel like there's been some personal growth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think you are making progress." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I don't want to get too comfortable and lax about this job with the gallery business the way it is. Who knows how long it will last?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It sounds wise to be a bit cautious, but you're just beginning this job, so take advantage of it while it lasts and see what happens." }, { "from": "human", "value": "I agree. We seem to be in sync this afternoon." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, I think so too. You covered a lot of ground today. So I'll see you next week then, same day and time. Okay?" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Sure, that'd be great. Thank you. Bye." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Goodbye, Kester." } ]

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