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[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Your majesty.." The diminutive, four-legged creature said, bowing formally.
"Step forward, High Engineer Raxus. I assume you have made progress regarding the device?"
"Indeed. My team has finally replicated the software needed to access it; it contained *hours* of footage, your majesty..." He stated, before hesitating. He ran a claw through his antennae nervously.
"Raxus? What was this footage..?" The Queen queried.
"I-I apologise, your majesty. It is... rather disturbing. I have barely slept, w-we've been analysing it since yesterday morning.." The High Engineer continued.
"Show me, please." The Queen asked firmly.
"Yes, at once, your majesty." Raxus bowed again, gesturing to an assistant behind him. A button was pressed on a controller, and a huge screen in the royal war room flared to life.
"Ok, ok... we-" A grown man on screen started, but paused to giggle with childish glee. "We're- Dude, stand still!"
"I'm trying!" Another man replied, clad entirely in tin foil except for his rear, which was exposed. "You aren't dressed like a damn space hooker with his pants down up here..!"
"These are.. adult males, yes?" The Queen asked.
Raxus nodded.
"And what *are* they doing.." She said, squinting her upper row of eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Blast Off." The first man said, before giggling again and lighting a match. He held it up to a small rocket, attached to a zip line, and lit the fuse.
"..one small step for man.." The other, tinfoil-clad man started, as the rocket suddenly flared to life and sped up the line, aiming directly for the man's exposed ass.
"One giant leap for- Ow, GOD, *fuck*!!!" He was interrupted by the rocket pushing between his butt cheeks and planting itself firmly inside him, as the other man burst into raucous laughter.
"What in Z'hora's name..." The Queen uttered quietly, stunned.
"My thoughts exactly, your majesty.." Raxus agreed, equally disturbed by the footage, as the men on screen laughed uproariously and yelled profanity in equal measure, and the man with the rocket in his rear stumbled, falling off his platform, much to the enjoyment of his peers.
"That was his.. rectum, yes? From what you've told me it is an extremely vulnerable and painful area of the body.." She said, a fear in her voice that Raxus had never heard in decades of serving her.
"It is, your majesty.." He confirmed.
"A-and this.. this is a display of strength? A ritual the.. the warriors perform to prove themselves...? Much like how our royal guard smack themselves once on the chest when they are appointed to protect me.." She reasoned, trying to hide the distress in her voice.
"These must be some of Earth's finest warriors.." The Queen continued, in awe.
"Um... actually, your majesty, they are some of Earth's finest... jesters." Raxus corrected fearfully.
The Queen stared at him, mandibles open in shock. "Jesters...?! A-and.. that projectile, was that.. fire they used to propel it? How.. how barbaric, h-how unsafe!" She continued, her panic clear now.
"Fire, heat energy, and explosives are actually... quite common in Earth society, as a method of propulsion.. a-and even lighting. T-that's how their capsule reached our territory... explosives were used to launch it off-world initially." Raxus revealed, the High Engineer sounding just as disturbed as the Queen.
She stared at Raxus, then at the screen, staying silent for a few moments before she spoke with finality.
"Hide us, Raxus. Study all you can from their capsule, and then eject it from this world. Rescind the fleet into local orbit, focus the engineering corps' assets into further cloaking technology and increase the output of sensor jamming satellites tenfold. We must make sure these barbarians never find us." She decreed, as Raxus noted down her commands.
"At once, your majesty."
**Sixty-eight years earlier...**
"Hi, and welcome back to Good Morning LA!"
The gorgeous blonde woman beamed, before turning to another camera.
"Actor and producer Johnny Knoxville and his former Jackass co-stars recently crowdfunded over 6 million dollars to get the entire Jackass collection on SpaceX's latest capsule to be launched out of the solar system. In an initial press release, Knoxville said "it would be cool as s**t to show aliens Jackass". The launch is happening this afternoon. I'll be back soon for an exclusive interview with Johnny, but first, here's Rosita with the story of America's first dog martial artist.." | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | “Your Grace,” Eddie said, bowing. The King gestured for him to rise in one quick, almost bored, motion. Eddie rose, meeting the King’s eyes. His normally serene face had _twisted_ the past few weeks. The man kept his gray-tinged beard even, but it had grown wildly. Uneven and unlike His Imperial Majesty.
“What news do you bring?” he asked. Behind him Eddie noticed guards shuffle. Once this man fought on the front, notching dozens of kills to his name. Now he sat upon the gilded throne and guided the destiny of his empire.
Eddie hesitated—he knew the King would not like his words. “We launched the first strike. They suffered massive casualties, enough to cripple any world. Millions died.”
The King grinned. “Yes, of course they are crippled,” his voice shook with laughter. “Did I not say this is what would happen?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Eddie bowed his eyes in reverence. Then he continued, “but they’ve rallied. Millions are positioned to hit our western outposts. If those fall then they can strike at the capital of Novas, which would throw the entire western half of the empire into disarray.”
“What?” the King bellowed, rising from his throne. “Explain yourself, Commander Edward.”
Eddie bowed his head. “The casualties they suffered should’ve been enough to cripple. They should have surrendered. Instead they’ve taken every man, woman, and child capable of holding a weapon and have launched a counter offensive. We do not believe them to be overly skilled or organized, but their sheer numbers…”
The King retook his seat. His eyes turned away, hand steepled, face lost in thought. “How long until we can match them?”
“It’ll take us weeks to match their numbers.”
Anger flashed in the King’s eyes. “No, we don’t need to match them. Half of our elite paramilitary units should be enough. They’re skirmishers, not warriors. And once we’ve crushed them I will reunite this empire. Shattered by my forefathers, we will be whole again.”
“Your Grace… during the initial assault we also landed several brigades on the surface of their homeworld. Those men are dead,” Eddie said, his voice almost a whisper.
“You…! How many men have you cost us, Commander Edward? Your incompetence…” the King shook. His lips curled and he snarled. “How many lives will be lost because of you?”
Eddie remained silent, neglecting to mention the order he received. “I apologize, Your Grace. I will rectify this. I swear.”
The King said nothing for a moment. “No. Let them come.” Again the King looked away. “We can use their assault on Novas. Weaken them and some of our vassal colonies. Then reestablish our rule over the west and conquer Earth afterwards.”
“As your command, Your Grace.” Eddie saluted and turned to leave.
“Commander Edward,” the King’s voice called, “do not fail me.”
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | In the gulfs of space, somewhere off the shoulder of Orion, a probe scans for signs of 'The Enemy'.
"Ping... Ping... Ping... Ping.. Ping.. Ping.. Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping Ping Ping PingPingPingPingPing"
On the fifth planet of a dying star, a general makes his report to King Priasma of the world of Ilium.
"My king, we've received a curious transmission from one of our probes. It's encountered an unusual object found drifting near the constellation of the great hunter."
"What is so unusual about this object, general?"
"It appears to be of intelligent design, my king, but it also appears to serve no discernible purpose."
"Intelligent design? Do you mean that this was made by... 'The Enemy'?
"It would appear so, Majesty. Our analysts have found similarities between this object and the information we have on... 'The Enemy'.
"You said it was found drifting. Is it some sort of ship?"
"Well... we're not sure, your grace. It has no propulsion system and it's construction defies the possibility of space travel. It's not made of any known alloy. It seems to be made of some sort of inert and inactive bio-material. Our records on 'The Enemy' indicate that they call this material 'wood' and it is obtained from felled plants called 'trees' that are found on their home world. But the most curious thing, your majesty, is the design of the craft itself. It resembles a four-legged creature that in their tongue is called a 'Horse'."
"Hmmm... bring it to the capitol. I want a closer look at this 'wooden horse'."
A slender, innocent, beautiful girl appears beside the throne and speaks to her father...
"Father, for the love you bare me please heed my words. I have dreamt of this 'wooden horse' and it is an ill omen. We should dest-"
"Shut the fuck up, Cassy. Nobody likes you."
SPEZ:So I was taking a shit and thought I'd do a Part II and edit Part I. Not that anyone's going to see it but I'd hate myself if I didn't.
Meanwhile in the frozen abyss, a lonely voice cries out in desperation...
"This has got to be the dumbest plan anyone ever came up with. Seriously, you could root around in a bag of ass-holes and pull out something better than this. They're never going to pick us up."
"Hey, it worked for the Trojans."
"I think you mean 'it worked for the Greeks'."
"No, it was definitely called the 'Trojan Horse'."
"Yeah but the Greeks made it."
"So why is it called the Trojan horse?"
"Because the Trojan's took it."
"Just 'cause you take something doesn't make it yours. Why were the Greeks giving them a wooden horse anyway?"
"It was a ruse to steal back Helen of Troy."
"Steel her back... So she wasn't Helen of Troy?"
"No she was Helen of Sparta."
"Motherfuckers. There they go again! Sticky-fingered people the Trojans."
"Anyway, regardless of the history-"
"I thought it was a myth, like we don't know if it really happened or not."
"Yes but... Ok. Whatever. Anyway, besides whatever *it* was that happened-"
"- or didn't happen -"
" - Or didn't happen before, this is not going to work. It's like a million to one chance that they'll pick us up and take us back to their planet."
"Exactly. It's bound to work!"
"What?"
"Yeah! Million-to one-chances work all the time. Think about it, how many times have you heard of a-million-to- chance working out for someone: 'He won the lottery' or 'they scored a touch down with a Hail-Mary' or 'a rouge grapefruit killed his mother-in-law'. You see, they always work. Actually, you try and think of the last time you heard of a-million-to-one-chance not working."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"See. You can't. It's a given. Now, shut up. You're supposed to be in cryo-sleep."
"Cryo-sleep!?! I'm sitting in a barrel of fucking salt!"
"Salt's a preservative. Have you got any better ideas?"
"Ice for a start!"
"And where the fuck are we going to find ice on Earth, Einstein? Global-warming, duh."
"I'm sure Jupiter had a moon made of ice."
"Nah, we used all that in the last great ice-bucket challenge. Anyway, shut up. I think I hear something outside."
"There's no sound in space...."
"Just... shut up."
| "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Lexicanum Galacticum
Chapter 67
"Humans"
The human species are famous for their insanity and general lack of responsibility,but still they became one of the dominant species in the galaxy after their victory in the War in Heaven.
The human species are divided into 3 grand factions:
1.The Commonwealth
2.The United Coalition of Earth
3.The Empire of Man
The humans most famous deeds include:
Ramming a battleship into a shielded planet-ship to penetrate its barrier,then boarding it and completly destroying it from the inside out.
Making a Class E star go Supernova by transporting much of its matter through a wormhole until it reached critical mass.Thus is how the War in Heaven ended.
Building the largest Titan-class battleship ever.(Approx.lenght 45 human kilometers)
Building doomsday weapons with the sole purpose of having it to look strong.
Invading a parallel plane of existence.
Charging into battle,outnumbered 60:1 while shouting "Tenno hekai banzai!",and proceding to win the battle.
Chainswords.
Declaring war on another empire because "Those idiots don't fight in melee.Thus they fight inglorious and without honour."Then after their only peace demands was to make regular use of melee in the said species's armed forces.
Warping a planet into their enemies fleet.
Going on a suicide mission in the galactic core,then annihilating the scourge of the galaxy,then returning like nothing happened.
Accidentaly creating a god-like entity.Then destroying it with the use of thermofusional missiles.
Using giant electromagnetic guns to launch ships into orbit.
The usage of extradimensional forces to contain another extradimensional force.
Lexicanum Galacticum
Page 31415
| "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Your majesty.." The diminutive, four-legged creature said, bowing formally.
"Step forward, High Engineer Raxus. I assume you have made progress regarding the device?"
"Indeed. My team has finally replicated the software needed to access it; it contained *hours* of footage, your majesty..." He stated, before hesitating. He ran a claw through his antennae nervously.
"Raxus? What was this footage..?" The Queen queried.
"I-I apologise, your majesty. It is... rather disturbing. I have barely slept, w-we've been analysing it since yesterday morning.." The High Engineer continued.
"Show me, please." The Queen asked firmly.
"Yes, at once, your majesty." Raxus bowed again, gesturing to an assistant behind him. A button was pressed on a controller, and a huge screen in the royal war room flared to life.
"Ok, ok... we-" A grown man on screen started, but paused to giggle with childish glee. "We're- Dude, stand still!"
"I'm trying!" Another man replied, clad entirely in tin foil except for his rear, which was exposed. "You aren't dressed like a damn space hooker with his pants down up here..!"
"These are.. adult males, yes?" The Queen asked.
Raxus nodded.
"And what *are* they doing.." She said, squinting her upper row of eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Blast Off." The first man said, before giggling again and lighting a match. He held it up to a small rocket, attached to a zip line, and lit the fuse.
"..one small step for man.." The other, tinfoil-clad man started, as the rocket suddenly flared to life and sped up the line, aiming directly for the man's exposed ass.
"One giant leap for- Ow, GOD, *fuck*!!!" He was interrupted by the rocket pushing between his butt cheeks and planting itself firmly inside him, as the other man burst into raucous laughter.
"What in Z'hora's name..." The Queen uttered quietly, stunned.
"My thoughts exactly, your majesty.." Raxus agreed, equally disturbed by the footage, as the men on screen laughed uproariously and yelled profanity in equal measure, and the man with the rocket in his rear stumbled, falling off his platform, much to the enjoyment of his peers.
"That was his.. rectum, yes? From what you've told me it is an extremely vulnerable and painful area of the body.." She said, a fear in her voice that Raxus had never heard in decades of serving her.
"It is, your majesty.." He confirmed.
"A-and this.. this is a display of strength? A ritual the.. the warriors perform to prove themselves...? Much like how our royal guard smack themselves once on the chest when they are appointed to protect me.." She reasoned, trying to hide the distress in her voice.
"These must be some of Earth's finest warriors.." The Queen continued, in awe.
"Um... actually, your majesty, they are some of Earth's finest... jesters." Raxus corrected fearfully.
The Queen stared at him, mandibles open in shock. "Jesters...?! A-and.. that projectile, was that.. fire they used to propel it? How.. how barbaric, h-how unsafe!" She continued, her panic clear now.
"Fire, heat energy, and explosives are actually... quite common in Earth society, as a method of propulsion.. a-and even lighting. T-that's how their capsule reached our territory... explosives were used to launch it off-world initially." Raxus revealed, the High Engineer sounding just as disturbed as the Queen.
She stared at Raxus, then at the screen, staying silent for a few moments before she spoke with finality.
"Hide us, Raxus. Study all you can from their capsule, and then eject it from this world. Rescind the fleet into local orbit, focus the engineering corps' assets into further cloaking technology and increase the output of sensor jamming satellites tenfold. We must make sure these barbarians never find us." She decreed, as Raxus noted down her commands.
"At once, your majesty."
**Sixty-eight years earlier...**
"Hi, and welcome back to Good Morning LA!"
The gorgeous blonde woman beamed, before turning to another camera.
"Actor and producer Johnny Knoxville and his former Jackass co-stars recently crowdfunded over 6 million dollars to get the entire Jackass collection on SpaceX's latest capsule to be launched out of the solar system. In an initial press release, Knoxville said "it would be cool as s**t to show aliens Jackass". The launch is happening this afternoon. I'll be back soon for an exclusive interview with Johnny, but first, here's Rosita with the story of America's first dog martial artist.." | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| "Don't fuck with humans" was the general received wisdom in the galaxy. They had a history of obliterating the people that fucked them over. A long, bloody history.
There were a few who didn't heed that lesson, like Zartok the Slaver. I don't like Zartok. Nobody likes Zartok. But he pays his tab and he doesn't cause too much trouble. I'm not in the business of judging people, I'm in the business of getting them drunk.
Well, shit, now he's talking up some human. Poor thing; Zartok says he's gone straight, but trusting him will put you in chains. And now the human's following him out the door. Can't call in what could be a date for all I know. Not my job.
-----
"Infamous former slaver B1334@dilzen!zk 'Zartok' has crashed his ship into the courthouse of Faxx, Kranix, Bvvvv, his hometown, where he was routinely given sentences for his slaving that many have called 'disgustingly short'. Zartok was found dead at the controls, with injuries that appear to have been sustained before the crash. The entire courthouse is destroyed, with no reported survivors. One escape pod appears to be missing, and the ship's logs appear to be hopelessly corrupted."
The news has been droning on about this for the past hour. Good on that human, I suppose. Hope they feel good about their revenge. The door slams open--goddammit.
"Oi! Gentle with the doo--"
It's that human! Not a scratch on 'em! They saunter up to my bar and look at me like I'm supposed to shower 'em with gold. "Pay up."
" 'Scuse me?" I may be quaking in my boots, but I ain't gonna show it.
"You heard me. I won the bet. Pay up."
...Shit. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | In the gulfs of space, somewhere off the shoulder of Orion, a probe scans for signs of 'The Enemy'.
"Ping... Ping... Ping... Ping.. Ping.. Ping.. Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping Ping Ping PingPingPingPingPing"
On the fifth planet of a dying star, a general makes his report to King Priasma of the world of Ilium.
"My king, we've received a curious transmission from one of our probes. It's encountered an unusual object found drifting near the constellation of the great hunter."
"What is so unusual about this object, general?"
"It appears to be of intelligent design, my king, but it also appears to serve no discernible purpose."
"Intelligent design? Do you mean that this was made by... 'The Enemy'?
"It would appear so, Majesty. Our analysts have found similarities between this object and the information we have on... 'The Enemy'.
"You said it was found drifting. Is it some sort of ship?"
"Well... we're not sure, your grace. It has no propulsion system and it's construction defies the possibility of space travel. It's not made of any known alloy. It seems to be made of some sort of inert and inactive bio-material. Our records on 'The Enemy' indicate that they call this material 'wood' and it is obtained from felled plants called 'trees' that are found on their home world. But the most curious thing, your majesty, is the design of the craft itself. It resembles a four-legged creature that in their tongue is called a 'Horse'."
"Hmmm... bring it to the capitol. I want a closer look at this 'wooden horse'."
A slender, innocent, beautiful girl appears beside the throne and speaks to her father...
"Father, for the love you bare me please heed my words. I have dreamt of this 'wooden horse' and it is an ill omen. We should dest-"
"Shut the fuck up, Cassy. Nobody likes you."
SPEZ:So I was taking a shit and thought I'd do a Part II and edit Part I. Not that anyone's going to see it but I'd hate myself if I didn't.
Meanwhile in the frozen abyss, a lonely voice cries out in desperation...
"This has got to be the dumbest plan anyone ever came up with. Seriously, you could root around in a bag of ass-holes and pull out something better than this. They're never going to pick us up."
"Hey, it worked for the Trojans."
"I think you mean 'it worked for the Greeks'."
"No, it was definitely called the 'Trojan Horse'."
"Yeah but the Greeks made it."
"So why is it called the Trojan horse?"
"Because the Trojan's took it."
"Just 'cause you take something doesn't make it yours. Why were the Greeks giving them a wooden horse anyway?"
"It was a ruse to steal back Helen of Troy."
"Steel her back... So she wasn't Helen of Troy?"
"No she was Helen of Sparta."
"Motherfuckers. There they go again! Sticky-fingered people the Trojans."
"Anyway, regardless of the history-"
"I thought it was a myth, like we don't know if it really happened or not."
"Yes but... Ok. Whatever. Anyway, besides whatever *it* was that happened-"
"- or didn't happen -"
" - Or didn't happen before, this is not going to work. It's like a million to one chance that they'll pick us up and take us back to their planet."
"Exactly. It's bound to work!"
"What?"
"Yeah! Million-to one-chances work all the time. Think about it, how many times have you heard of a-million-to- chance working out for someone: 'He won the lottery' or 'they scored a touch down with a Hail-Mary' or 'a rouge grapefruit killed his mother-in-law'. You see, they always work. Actually, you try and think of the last time you heard of a-million-to-one-chance not working."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"See. You can't. It's a given. Now, shut up. You're supposed to be in cryo-sleep."
"Cryo-sleep!?! I'm sitting in a barrel of fucking salt!"
"Salt's a preservative. Have you got any better ideas?"
"Ice for a start!"
"And where the fuck are we going to find ice on Earth, Einstein? Global-warming, duh."
"I'm sure Jupiter had a moon made of ice."
"Nah, we used all that in the last great ice-bucket challenge. Anyway, shut up. I think I hear something outside."
"There's no sound in space...."
"Just... shut up."
| The Galactic Council were at war. A vicious reptilian species were pushing deeper and deeper in to their systems, killing all as they went. There were a few massive repair docks, and one in particular had been considered a lynch pin. Plans were formulated, and the odds calculated. They had no hope of taking it down.
As they began to review the latest plan, the usually sedate Corolinth Councillor began to laugh, hysterically.
The imposing Demorth head Councillor looked on.
"Explain your outburst, Councillor!"
The avian Councillor looked up.
"My apologies, Head Councillor, however I have just received a report from our ambassador to the humans."
The Head Councillor nodded slowly. The humans were a young race, fairly recently discovered and not yet granted a place on the council. They were becoming quite infamous for crazy tactics, that seemed to work against all odds.
"Well, they placed a request for some of our ships to study. They were duly provided with a small number of outdated ships. Our scientists assumed it was to study them, and improve their own technology. However, they did... Well it's hard to explain, Head Councillor."
The Head Councillor growled.
"Out with it, what did the humans do?"
"I believe the Ambassador explained it as a Saint Nazaire gambit, which is apparently a tactic from their second global war. They attacked the Octanus Dry Dock."
The Demorth shook his head in derision.
"I did not think the humans were capable of plans and tactics. How many were lost?"
"That's the thing, Head Councillor. They suffered no losses. However, the Octanus system is neutralised."
The entire chamber grew quiet.
"How?"
The Corolinth Councillor laughed quietly.
"They flew a ship right in to it, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, they triggered a cascading failure in the FTL drives, intentionally might I add. The resultant explosion has, I dare say, it may have given us the chance we need to win. It was a plan we never would even consider, yet it somehow worked."
The Demorth squared his sizeable girth.
"These humans are a frightening lot to anger."
The Milanian Councillor stood tall from her seat.
"I call a vote; bring the humans in to the council. I don't know about your own races, but my people want these humans firmly on our side." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | In the gulfs of space, somewhere off the shoulder of Orion, a probe scans for signs of 'The Enemy'.
"Ping... Ping... Ping... Ping.. Ping.. Ping.. Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping Ping Ping PingPingPingPingPing"
On the fifth planet of a dying star, a general makes his report to King Priasma of the world of Ilium.
"My king, we've received a curious transmission from one of our probes. It's encountered an unusual object found drifting near the constellation of the great hunter."
"What is so unusual about this object, general?"
"It appears to be of intelligent design, my king, but it also appears to serve no discernible purpose."
"Intelligent design? Do you mean that this was made by... 'The Enemy'?
"It would appear so, Majesty. Our analysts have found similarities between this object and the information we have on... 'The Enemy'.
"You said it was found drifting. Is it some sort of ship?"
"Well... we're not sure, your grace. It has no propulsion system and it's construction defies the possibility of space travel. It's not made of any known alloy. It seems to be made of some sort of inert and inactive bio-material. Our records on 'The Enemy' indicate that they call this material 'wood' and it is obtained from felled plants called 'trees' that are found on their home world. But the most curious thing, your majesty, is the design of the craft itself. It resembles a four-legged creature that in their tongue is called a 'Horse'."
"Hmmm... bring it to the capitol. I want a closer look at this 'wooden horse'."
A slender, innocent, beautiful girl appears beside the throne and speaks to her father...
"Father, for the love you bare me please heed my words. I have dreamt of this 'wooden horse' and it is an ill omen. We should dest-"
"Shut the fuck up, Cassy. Nobody likes you."
SPEZ:So I was taking a shit and thought I'd do a Part II and edit Part I. Not that anyone's going to see it but I'd hate myself if I didn't.
Meanwhile in the frozen abyss, a lonely voice cries out in desperation...
"This has got to be the dumbest plan anyone ever came up with. Seriously, you could root around in a bag of ass-holes and pull out something better than this. They're never going to pick us up."
"Hey, it worked for the Trojans."
"I think you mean 'it worked for the Greeks'."
"No, it was definitely called the 'Trojan Horse'."
"Yeah but the Greeks made it."
"So why is it called the Trojan horse?"
"Because the Trojan's took it."
"Just 'cause you take something doesn't make it yours. Why were the Greeks giving them a wooden horse anyway?"
"It was a ruse to steal back Helen of Troy."
"Steel her back... So she wasn't Helen of Troy?"
"No she was Helen of Sparta."
"Motherfuckers. There they go again! Sticky-fingered people the Trojans."
"Anyway, regardless of the history-"
"I thought it was a myth, like we don't know if it really happened or not."
"Yes but... Ok. Whatever. Anyway, besides whatever *it* was that happened-"
"- or didn't happen -"
" - Or didn't happen before, this is not going to work. It's like a million to one chance that they'll pick us up and take us back to their planet."
"Exactly. It's bound to work!"
"What?"
"Yeah! Million-to one-chances work all the time. Think about it, how many times have you heard of a-million-to- chance working out for someone: 'He won the lottery' or 'they scored a touch down with a Hail-Mary' or 'a rouge grapefruit killed his mother-in-law'. You see, they always work. Actually, you try and think of the last time you heard of a-million-to-one-chance not working."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"See. You can't. It's a given. Now, shut up. You're supposed to be in cryo-sleep."
"Cryo-sleep!?! I'm sitting in a barrel of fucking salt!"
"Salt's a preservative. Have you got any better ideas?"
"Ice for a start!"
"And where the fuck are we going to find ice on Earth, Einstein? Global-warming, duh."
"I'm sure Jupiter had a moon made of ice."
"Nah, we used all that in the last great ice-bucket challenge. Anyway, shut up. I think I hear something outside."
"There's no sound in space...."
"Just... shut up."
| One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Lexicanum Galacticum
Chapter 67
"Humans"
The human species are famous for their insanity and general lack of responsibility,but still they became one of the dominant species in the galaxy after their victory in the War in Heaven.
The human species are divided into 3 grand factions:
1.The Commonwealth
2.The United Coalition of Earth
3.The Empire of Man
The humans most famous deeds include:
Ramming a battleship into a shielded planet-ship to penetrate its barrier,then boarding it and completly destroying it from the inside out.
Making a Class E star go Supernova by transporting much of its matter through a wormhole until it reached critical mass.Thus is how the War in Heaven ended.
Building the largest Titan-class battleship ever.(Approx.lenght 45 human kilometers)
Building doomsday weapons with the sole purpose of having it to look strong.
Invading a parallel plane of existence.
Charging into battle,outnumbered 60:1 while shouting "Tenno hekai banzai!",and proceding to win the battle.
Chainswords.
Declaring war on another empire because "Those idiots don't fight in melee.Thus they fight inglorious and without honour."Then after their only peace demands was to make regular use of melee in the said species's armed forces.
Warping a planet into their enemies fleet.
Going on a suicide mission in the galactic core,then annihilating the scourge of the galaxy,then returning like nothing happened.
Accidentaly creating a god-like entity.Then destroying it with the use of thermofusional missiles.
Using giant electromagnetic guns to launch ships into orbit.
The usage of extradimensional forces to contain another extradimensional force.
Lexicanum Galacticum
Page 31415
| One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Your majesty.." The diminutive, four-legged creature said, bowing formally.
"Step forward, High Engineer Raxus. I assume you have made progress regarding the device?"
"Indeed. My team has finally replicated the software needed to access it; it contained *hours* of footage, your majesty..." He stated, before hesitating. He ran a claw through his antennae nervously.
"Raxus? What was this footage..?" The Queen queried.
"I-I apologise, your majesty. It is... rather disturbing. I have barely slept, w-we've been analysing it since yesterday morning.." The High Engineer continued.
"Show me, please." The Queen asked firmly.
"Yes, at once, your majesty." Raxus bowed again, gesturing to an assistant behind him. A button was pressed on a controller, and a huge screen in the royal war room flared to life.
"Ok, ok... we-" A grown man on screen started, but paused to giggle with childish glee. "We're- Dude, stand still!"
"I'm trying!" Another man replied, clad entirely in tin foil except for his rear, which was exposed. "You aren't dressed like a damn space hooker with his pants down up here..!"
"These are.. adult males, yes?" The Queen asked.
Raxus nodded.
"And what *are* they doing.." She said, squinting her upper row of eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Blast Off." The first man said, before giggling again and lighting a match. He held it up to a small rocket, attached to a zip line, and lit the fuse.
"..one small step for man.." The other, tinfoil-clad man started, as the rocket suddenly flared to life and sped up the line, aiming directly for the man's exposed ass.
"One giant leap for- Ow, GOD, *fuck*!!!" He was interrupted by the rocket pushing between his butt cheeks and planting itself firmly inside him, as the other man burst into raucous laughter.
"What in Z'hora's name..." The Queen uttered quietly, stunned.
"My thoughts exactly, your majesty.." Raxus agreed, equally disturbed by the footage, as the men on screen laughed uproariously and yelled profanity in equal measure, and the man with the rocket in his rear stumbled, falling off his platform, much to the enjoyment of his peers.
"That was his.. rectum, yes? From what you've told me it is an extremely vulnerable and painful area of the body.." She said, a fear in her voice that Raxus had never heard in decades of serving her.
"It is, your majesty.." He confirmed.
"A-and this.. this is a display of strength? A ritual the.. the warriors perform to prove themselves...? Much like how our royal guard smack themselves once on the chest when they are appointed to protect me.." She reasoned, trying to hide the distress in her voice.
"These must be some of Earth's finest warriors.." The Queen continued, in awe.
"Um... actually, your majesty, they are some of Earth's finest... jesters." Raxus corrected fearfully.
The Queen stared at him, mandibles open in shock. "Jesters...?! A-and.. that projectile, was that.. fire they used to propel it? How.. how barbaric, h-how unsafe!" She continued, her panic clear now.
"Fire, heat energy, and explosives are actually... quite common in Earth society, as a method of propulsion.. a-and even lighting. T-that's how their capsule reached our territory... explosives were used to launch it off-world initially." Raxus revealed, the High Engineer sounding just as disturbed as the Queen.
She stared at Raxus, then at the screen, staying silent for a few moments before she spoke with finality.
"Hide us, Raxus. Study all you can from their capsule, and then eject it from this world. Rescind the fleet into local orbit, focus the engineering corps' assets into further cloaking technology and increase the output of sensor jamming satellites tenfold. We must make sure these barbarians never find us." She decreed, as Raxus noted down her commands.
"At once, your majesty."
**Sixty-eight years earlier...**
"Hi, and welcome back to Good Morning LA!"
The gorgeous blonde woman beamed, before turning to another camera.
"Actor and producer Johnny Knoxville and his former Jackass co-stars recently crowdfunded over 6 million dollars to get the entire Jackass collection on SpaceX's latest capsule to be launched out of the solar system. In an initial press release, Knoxville said "it would be cool as s**t to show aliens Jackass". The launch is happening this afternoon. I'll be back soon for an exclusive interview with Johnny, but first, here's Rosita with the story of America's first dog martial artist.." | One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| One by one the stars went out. Earth's scientists looked on in horror and confusion as they vanished. They hadn't burnt out, nor had they gone supernova, they just were no longer there.
It was quick, especially by astronomical speeds. After just a year, the entire southern hemisphere was without starlight and just one year later, every telescope was trained on the north star, the last star, as it too was snuffed out.
Within moments though, every single one of them returned. Every twinkling little light, right back where it belonged.
----
"Steady"
"Steady...."
"Alright we're done."
As the final plate sank into place, the two pilots breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A pair of engineers were wiring up the final systems, and then the largest wall the galaxy had ever seen would be complete.
Just then a small *plink* was heard from the other side of the wall. No one dared suggest opening it back up to find the source of the noise though.
---
"Voyager 1 has stopped transmitting" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Lexicanum Galacticum
Chapter 67
"Humans"
The human species are famous for their insanity and general lack of responsibility,but still they became one of the dominant species in the galaxy after their victory in the War in Heaven.
The human species are divided into 3 grand factions:
1.The Commonwealth
2.The United Coalition of Earth
3.The Empire of Man
The humans most famous deeds include:
Ramming a battleship into a shielded planet-ship to penetrate its barrier,then boarding it and completly destroying it from the inside out.
Making a Class E star go Supernova by transporting much of its matter through a wormhole until it reached critical mass.Thus is how the War in Heaven ended.
Building the largest Titan-class battleship ever.(Approx.lenght 45 human kilometers)
Building doomsday weapons with the sole purpose of having it to look strong.
Invading a parallel plane of existence.
Charging into battle,outnumbered 60:1 while shouting "Tenno hekai banzai!",and proceding to win the battle.
Chainswords.
Declaring war on another empire because "Those idiots don't fight in melee.Thus they fight inglorious and without honour."Then after their only peace demands was to make regular use of melee in the said species's armed forces.
Warping a planet into their enemies fleet.
Going on a suicide mission in the galactic core,then annihilating the scourge of the galaxy,then returning like nothing happened.
Accidentaly creating a god-like entity.Then destroying it with the use of thermofusional missiles.
Using giant electromagnetic guns to launch ships into orbit.
The usage of extradimensional forces to contain another extradimensional force.
Lexicanum Galacticum
Page 31415
| "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Your majesty.." The diminutive, four-legged creature said, bowing formally.
"Step forward, High Engineer Raxus. I assume you have made progress regarding the device?"
"Indeed. My team has finally replicated the software needed to access it; it contained *hours* of footage, your majesty..." He stated, before hesitating. He ran a claw through his antennae nervously.
"Raxus? What was this footage..?" The Queen queried.
"I-I apologise, your majesty. It is... rather disturbing. I have barely slept, w-we've been analysing it since yesterday morning.." The High Engineer continued.
"Show me, please." The Queen asked firmly.
"Yes, at once, your majesty." Raxus bowed again, gesturing to an assistant behind him. A button was pressed on a controller, and a huge screen in the royal war room flared to life.
"Ok, ok... we-" A grown man on screen started, but paused to giggle with childish glee. "We're- Dude, stand still!"
"I'm trying!" Another man replied, clad entirely in tin foil except for his rear, which was exposed. "You aren't dressed like a damn space hooker with his pants down up here..!"
"These are.. adult males, yes?" The Queen asked.
Raxus nodded.
"And what *are* they doing.." She said, squinting her upper row of eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Blast Off." The first man said, before giggling again and lighting a match. He held it up to a small rocket, attached to a zip line, and lit the fuse.
"..one small step for man.." The other, tinfoil-clad man started, as the rocket suddenly flared to life and sped up the line, aiming directly for the man's exposed ass.
"One giant leap for- Ow, GOD, *fuck*!!!" He was interrupted by the rocket pushing between his butt cheeks and planting itself firmly inside him, as the other man burst into raucous laughter.
"What in Z'hora's name..." The Queen uttered quietly, stunned.
"My thoughts exactly, your majesty.." Raxus agreed, equally disturbed by the footage, as the men on screen laughed uproariously and yelled profanity in equal measure, and the man with the rocket in his rear stumbled, falling off his platform, much to the enjoyment of his peers.
"That was his.. rectum, yes? From what you've told me it is an extremely vulnerable and painful area of the body.." She said, a fear in her voice that Raxus had never heard in decades of serving her.
"It is, your majesty.." He confirmed.
"A-and this.. this is a display of strength? A ritual the.. the warriors perform to prove themselves...? Much like how our royal guard smack themselves once on the chest when they are appointed to protect me.." She reasoned, trying to hide the distress in her voice.
"These must be some of Earth's finest warriors.." The Queen continued, in awe.
"Um... actually, your majesty, they are some of Earth's finest... jesters." Raxus corrected fearfully.
The Queen stared at him, mandibles open in shock. "Jesters...?! A-and.. that projectile, was that.. fire they used to propel it? How.. how barbaric, h-how unsafe!" She continued, her panic clear now.
"Fire, heat energy, and explosives are actually... quite common in Earth society, as a method of propulsion.. a-and even lighting. T-that's how their capsule reached our territory... explosives were used to launch it off-world initially." Raxus revealed, the High Engineer sounding just as disturbed as the Queen.
She stared at Raxus, then at the screen, staying silent for a few moments before she spoke with finality.
"Hide us, Raxus. Study all you can from their capsule, and then eject it from this world. Rescind the fleet into local orbit, focus the engineering corps' assets into further cloaking technology and increase the output of sensor jamming satellites tenfold. We must make sure these barbarians never find us." She decreed, as Raxus noted down her commands.
"At once, your majesty."
**Sixty-eight years earlier...**
"Hi, and welcome back to Good Morning LA!"
The gorgeous blonde woman beamed, before turning to another camera.
"Actor and producer Johnny Knoxville and his former Jackass co-stars recently crowdfunded over 6 million dollars to get the entire Jackass collection on SpaceX's latest capsule to be launched out of the solar system. In an initial press release, Knoxville said "it would be cool as s**t to show aliens Jackass". The launch is happening this afternoon. I'll be back soon for an exclusive interview with Johnny, but first, here's Rosita with the story of America's first dog martial artist.." | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | "Sir you worry too much, the humans plan won't work"
"I just have a bad feeling Lieutenant Danstaik, humans are insane. You are too young to remember the zaartak disaster"
"What happened Admiral Gaaztuk?"
"The lutaak amarda had encircled a few human vessels at the zaartak system. The humans in an effort to escape launched all their nukes from the rear and hoped that the blast could launch them out of the trap"
"Did it work sir?"
"No, all the ships were vaporized in an instant. The luutaks never recovered from such a loss."
"The humans are sending us a transmission sir."
"This is Admiral Gaaztuk of the Taatiop, to whom am I speaking to?"
"This is Admiral Rice Crispies of the HMS USS Cereal Bowl. If you do not comply with our demands we will slingshot that dwarf star at your homeworld"
"That is absolutely insane"
"Exactly! Comply or die!"
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | Lexicanum Galacticum
Chapter 67
"Humans"
The human species are famous for their insanity and general lack of responsibility,but still they became one of the dominant species in the galaxy after their victory in the War in Heaven.
The human species are divided into 3 grand factions:
1.The Commonwealth
2.The United Coalition of Earth
3.The Empire of Man
The humans most famous deeds include:
Ramming a battleship into a shielded planet-ship to penetrate its barrier,then boarding it and completly destroying it from the inside out.
Making a Class E star go Supernova by transporting much of its matter through a wormhole until it reached critical mass.Thus is how the War in Heaven ended.
Building the largest Titan-class battleship ever.(Approx.lenght 45 human kilometers)
Building doomsday weapons with the sole purpose of having it to look strong.
Invading a parallel plane of existence.
Charging into battle,outnumbered 60:1 while shouting "Tenno hekai banzai!",and proceding to win the battle.
Chainswords.
Declaring war on another empire because "Those idiots don't fight in melee.Thus they fight inglorious and without honour."Then after their only peace demands was to make regular use of melee in the said species's armed forces.
Warping a planet into their enemies fleet.
Going on a suicide mission in the galactic core,then annihilating the scourge of the galaxy,then returning like nothing happened.
Accidentaly creating a god-like entity.Then destroying it with the use of thermofusional missiles.
Using giant electromagnetic guns to launch ships into orbit.
The usage of extradimensional forces to contain another extradimensional force.
Lexicanum Galacticum
Page 31415
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | "Your majesty.." The diminutive, four-legged creature said, bowing formally.
"Step forward, High Engineer Raxus. I assume you have made progress regarding the device?"
"Indeed. My team has finally replicated the software needed to access it; it contained *hours* of footage, your majesty..." He stated, before hesitating. He ran a claw through his antennae nervously.
"Raxus? What was this footage..?" The Queen queried.
"I-I apologise, your majesty. It is... rather disturbing. I have barely slept, w-we've been analysing it since yesterday morning.." The High Engineer continued.
"Show me, please." The Queen asked firmly.
"Yes, at once, your majesty." Raxus bowed again, gesturing to an assistant behind him. A button was pressed on a controller, and a huge screen in the royal war room flared to life.
"Ok, ok... we-" A grown man on screen started, but paused to giggle with childish glee. "We're- Dude, stand still!"
"I'm trying!" Another man replied, clad entirely in tin foil except for his rear, which was exposed. "You aren't dressed like a damn space hooker with his pants down up here..!"
"These are.. adult males, yes?" The Queen asked.
Raxus nodded.
"And what *are* they doing.." She said, squinting her upper row of eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Blast Off." The first man said, before giggling again and lighting a match. He held it up to a small rocket, attached to a zip line, and lit the fuse.
"..one small step for man.." The other, tinfoil-clad man started, as the rocket suddenly flared to life and sped up the line, aiming directly for the man's exposed ass.
"One giant leap for- Ow, GOD, *fuck*!!!" He was interrupted by the rocket pushing between his butt cheeks and planting itself firmly inside him, as the other man burst into raucous laughter.
"What in Z'hora's name..." The Queen uttered quietly, stunned.
"My thoughts exactly, your majesty.." Raxus agreed, equally disturbed by the footage, as the men on screen laughed uproariously and yelled profanity in equal measure, and the man with the rocket in his rear stumbled, falling off his platform, much to the enjoyment of his peers.
"That was his.. rectum, yes? From what you've told me it is an extremely vulnerable and painful area of the body.." She said, a fear in her voice that Raxus had never heard in decades of serving her.
"It is, your majesty.." He confirmed.
"A-and this.. this is a display of strength? A ritual the.. the warriors perform to prove themselves...? Much like how our royal guard smack themselves once on the chest when they are appointed to protect me.." She reasoned, trying to hide the distress in her voice.
"These must be some of Earth's finest warriors.." The Queen continued, in awe.
"Um... actually, your majesty, they are some of Earth's finest... jesters." Raxus corrected fearfully.
The Queen stared at him, mandibles open in shock. "Jesters...?! A-and.. that projectile, was that.. fire they used to propel it? How.. how barbaric, h-how unsafe!" She continued, her panic clear now.
"Fire, heat energy, and explosives are actually... quite common in Earth society, as a method of propulsion.. a-and even lighting. T-that's how their capsule reached our territory... explosives were used to launch it off-world initially." Raxus revealed, the High Engineer sounding just as disturbed as the Queen.
She stared at Raxus, then at the screen, staying silent for a few moments before she spoke with finality.
"Hide us, Raxus. Study all you can from their capsule, and then eject it from this world. Rescind the fleet into local orbit, focus the engineering corps' assets into further cloaking technology and increase the output of sensor jamming satellites tenfold. We must make sure these barbarians never find us." She decreed, as Raxus noted down her commands.
"At once, your majesty."
**Sixty-eight years earlier...**
"Hi, and welcome back to Good Morning LA!"
The gorgeous blonde woman beamed, before turning to another camera.
"Actor and producer Johnny Knoxville and his former Jackass co-stars recently crowdfunded over 6 million dollars to get the entire Jackass collection on SpaceX's latest capsule to be launched out of the solar system. In an initial press release, Knoxville said "it would be cool as s**t to show aliens Jackass". The launch is happening this afternoon. I'll be back soon for an exclusive interview with Johnny, but first, here's Rosita with the story of America's first dog martial artist.." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The end of all galactic life had been going on for nearly 10 standard cycles. The Enemy was as relentless as it was ancient, still no one knew where they had come from, or what their purpose was beyond mere universal destruction.
A long time ago, most sovereign governments and most of the colonies had all but given up the fight, realising they were horribly outnumbered and outgunned. Most made some effort or another to preserve life and civilisation. About half had launched massive expeditions to cross dark space to settle in other galaxies. Others built massive vaults on isolated planets where they froze their best and brightest to be thawed after the Enemy had left. Others still isolated themselves completely, destroying their links to the Network that allowed interstellar travel. The remainder simply gave up, thinking of extinction by the Enemy as the logical next step in galactic evolution, as if they were some sort of cosmic force of nature.
When I say 'most', I really mean *all but one*. One people still fought. They had been ravaged more than any other civilisation, enduring multiple planetary bombardments and ground invasions, and practically no effective single government remained, but *they still fought*, and in ways no one could predict or even comprehend. The Enemy was doubtlessly the most feared creatures in the Cosmos, but to those who remained alive, the Human was a close second.
There was a rumour, which I had recently confirmed from their own military, that they had at one point towed three small moons into orbit over one of the colonies under bombardment. These moons were then detonated at high speed at slingshot trajectories, which effectively turned them into planet-sized *shotgun blasts* that ripped the Enemy to shreds. According to their military, this tactic had been repeated and refined a few times since, and now the Enemy had withdrawn from any Human colonial system with an asteroid field.
And then there were their 'conventional' tactics. Humans would regularly 'booby-trap' their own equipment, leaving it behind on the battlefield when it was damaged so that the Enemy would die as they tried to salvage it. Many of them even carried explosives on their person into combat for similar purposes, and there were thousands of instances of these soldiers flanking the Enemy and detonating themselves behind their lines. To a Human, *anything* could be a weapon. One of their soldiers told me that anything that is 'harder, sharper, or pointier than your own body' can be a weapon. That mentality, combined with a penchant for ridiculous high-risk tactics had actually won them a fair amount of victories in the Endless War, some of which had been against those many who had enslaved themselves to the Enemy and now fought *for* them.
Yes, the Human was as feared as he was insane. And even knowing just how insane these Humans could be, I was still shocked when I heard about their most recent plan.
"These Network links literally punch holes in the fabric of space-time, right?"
"Yes..."
"And you can manufacture them fairly cheaply, right?"
"Well... cheaper than warships, anyway?"
"Right! So we figure, we construct, say, a hundred of the buggers, and use two of them for each of these devices!"
The Human was gesturing toward a blueprint hologram of an ancient device from their past, what they called a 'nuke'. Apparently, the ancient Human had been equally insane to the modern one, and had actually thought it a good idea to deploy *nuclear fission* as weapons on the battlefield. Which they had done, first sparingly and later - even knowing what it meant - on a global scale, in what the *utter morons* called the 'Third World War'. *Third*, can you believe that?!
"Let me get this straight," I pinched the back of my neck with my tail, still not quite believing what was being suggested, "You plan on replacing the fissile material in these bombs with Network links. Correct?"
"Yes!"
"And you are aware that this will, at the very least, tear open a hole in space-time, yes?"
"A black hole, yessir!"
"...you realise that this may actually unravel *reality itself*?!"
"It either works or it doesn't, Praetor. Either the Enemy dies, or we all die, Enemy included. If we don't do this, they live and we die."
There was a glaring hole in the Human Admiral's logic. "Or, you know, it could simply *not work* and we will have wasted tons of resources at something completely unproductive."
The Human waved an appendage my way in a strange side-to-side motion I had recently understood was some kind of *chiding* gesture.
"*Hope*," said the Human, "Hope is *never* unproductive." | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | "The human home fleet has dropped out of warp. We have achieved total surprise. Attack position in 5 units."
By rights, Pursuit Leader Meleet thought, she ought to be gratified by the news. The scene on her repeater screen was, after all, the stuff of fantasies for any green-blooded war-sphere officer. The last of the enemy's ships, speeding towards the waiting guns that would be their doom, not a shield up or decoy deployed, nor a single iota of thrust diverted into the chaotic evasive maneuvers that had driven her targeting crews to distraction on so many occasions? By rights, her crew should be knelt at her hooves, competing to have her sire their litter while the auto-targeters cleaned up the rabble outside. Not that she would take any of them up, of course. A victory such as that would be irresistible to the golden-haired Pack Leader back at Centieth Base...
By rights. Instead, she and her crew were strapped in, at full War readiness, with the bridge sealed off from the rest of the ship, triple guards posted on every entrance and vent, full vacuum gear on, and the disgusting black repellent the spies had retrieved smeared behind their ears. Supported by the largest single concentration of firepower the galaxy had ever witnessed. And still, she couldn't help the itching feeling between her shoulder blades.
"Acknowledged." The Rigelian turned to the figure sitting stiffly behind and to her right. "Arcteros. The checklist."
"As you wish, Pursuit Leader." Her second-in-command scrolled his datapad and cleared his throat, managing to almost completely disguise the nervous whinny.
"Thus far we have seen no evidence of long-range kinetic weaponry, missiles, laser or other energy weapons, drifting explosives, pockets of combustible gas, novel employment of adhesives, sudden flash flooding, distress calls legitimate or faked, waste recycling plant malfunctions, 'ninja', derogatory messages entreating us to perform the mating ritual with our sires, the celestial body referred to as 'Comet McCometface', localised time disruptions, mirror-universe counterparts, anything produced by 'Bad Dragon', infiltration by any of the Terran flora and fauna catalogued in appendices 77 through 63083, any member of a 'LARP', mimes, the 'brown note', pineapples, excessive amounts of addictive substances, bladed weapons larger than their wielder, boxes that are larger on the inside than the outside, 97.3 FM Country Music 24/7, attempts to engage fleet members in 'vodka butt chugging', sapient planets, psychically gifted children, suspiciously inviting open boxes labelled 'Secret To Defeating The Humans'..." There was a short pause as he waited for the next page to load.
Meleet winced. She still couldn't figure out just *how* that last one had worked so well. Did the humans emit some kind of intelligence-absorbing field? Best ask the Pack's scientists when she returned. Obviously, the shielding wasn't thick enough.
"Enough. Give me the summary. Do we see any of their schemes in evidence here?" Irritation flared as she mentally catalogued the list of indignities the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned humans had inflicted on her. On all of them.
"No, Pursuit Leader. They are just...flying at us. Quickly." A panel chimed, and Arcteros looked down. "...Very quickly. Speed increasing. .8 of cee and climbing... 2 units until intercept." He frowned. "Sensors show them as gunboats and destroyers. No ships of the line."
Her heart caught in her throat. "R-repeat that last."
"Pursuit Leader?" The war-sphere's Second looked at his First, who had just turned a very odd shade of green.
"Arcteros." She spoke slowly, with an iron grip on her voice. "The last, beaten remnants of the humans are, at this moment, flying toward a fleet they have no hope of defeating, in their weakest ships besides, and they are *accelerating*. What are the odds of them winning?"
With trembling limbs he keyed the question into the tac-comp. It took mere microseconds for the answer to be returned.
"A...a...million to one."
They stared at each other for a moment eternal, saw it in each other's eyes as they screamed in unison.
"ABOOOOOORT!" | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | So the orion cocaine did a number on the human delegates. They were quite bitter we didn't have holodecks or green slave ladies. Figured a night in the tank would give them time to sober up.
They clogged the forcefield emitters with their clothing and excrement to weaken the shield, and just accepted the casualties as they pushed through our defense staff. Sharpened the femurs of their dead and dipped them in filth! Hopping and hollering, nude, in war paint of fruit samplers from the buffet line.
But they knew they could not win honorable combat. They just left slippery waste all over the halls, rigged heavy objects to fall, ample fires - apparently called the home alone protocol. Took to the vents.
Found their way to the escape pod level. But instead of retreating, they set all the crafts to crash into the rest of the armada. They somehow manually removed the safety devices and jury rigged the controls. Our automated systems did not expect the collisions with our own safety equipment. Some of them even detonated on impact but we don't believe that was intentional. We don't know if any of it was intentional. Still tabulating casualties and repairs may take weeks.
We last saw them all together in the galley emptying the space wine reserves, but they've since split up. They somehow diverted almost all power, apparently some are trying to construct their own plasmatic gravity bong from engineering spanners and the skull of the head of security. No, we don't know what they're planning on smoking or where they got it. But it probably won't end well for us.
We tried to induce civil war by inviting rivalries regarding their preferred regional sports teams, but apparently Manchester never actually slam dunked a home run on the 94 Dallas Cowboys. I am now assuming our cultural liaison was having a laugh with us.
They're ruining everything, won't remember any of it, and somehow we're the assholes.
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| "Hold my beer."
I moaned silently to myself as the icy fear climbed my spine. It was always like this:
The ship would get into trouble, usually because of the Captain.
The crew would try all kinds of solutions that inevitably failed, usually because of the Captain.
We'd be up against the wall, no possible way out, no possible hope... usually because of the Captain.
And then we'd hear those words, from the Captain: "Hold my beer."
We were supposed to have been delivering a shipment of Anduvian wool to the Monks of Patience. Now the Monks were all trapped at the event horizon of a black hole, the wool had gotten lost somewhere along the way and our ship was spiraling out of control through an asteroid field with warships of three different species trying to get a weapons lock on our engines.
I reached out and took the sweating can from the Captain.
"I really need a new job." I thought for the thousandth time. But the money was good, and somehow when it was all over we were still here and everyone else, well... wasn't.
"Watch this!" the Captain said; I closed my eyes and shuddered. A Human. I had sign on with a Human. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Explain it to me again. I'm not sure I comprehended the first time."
The Warhost-Master's appendages twitched in frustration.
"As you are aware, Humanity was, until now, classified as a D-class species - A species with significant technological and societal development, but lacking any spaceflight capabilities. Several picorotations ago, the humans successfully landed and returned two of their kind on their planet's primary satellite. This raised an automatic monitoring alert from our in-system sentry drone.
What is incredible here is that the humans lack any of the technologies we have, until now, assumed are a prerequisite to spaceflight. They achieved inter-body flight using no method of propulsion other than chemical rockets."
"Explain these chemical rockets to me again."
"It's a relatively obscure method of propulsion. Basically, it involves triggering extremely rapid, extremely exothermal chemical reactions, and using the resulting explosion to direct ejection mass to generate thrust.
As you can imagine, failures are both extremely common and impressively catastrophic. It's practical application is very limited. As far as we are aware, no species has, until now, used it to successfully achieve spaceflight."
"So they landed on their satellite by blowing themselves up? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Well, uh, I suppose that's one way of putting it, sir."
The Warhost-Master used one of his secondary appendages to manipulate a computer terminal. A tall, cylindrical object appeared in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by semi-transparent renders of other spacecraft, to give a sense of scale.
"This is the craft they used. As you can tell, it's absolutely massive. As I explained earlier, their propulsion method relies on ejecting reaction mass. This requires the craft to carry a tremendous amount of fuel to escape their planet's gravity well."
The Representative waved one of it's primary appendages in incredulity, and slapped the wall with a number of it's secondary appendages for emphasis.
"You're telling me they landed this giant fucking thing on their moon? And that was their first attempt at crewed interbody flight?"
"Um, no sir. They only landed this bit here."
A tiny portion of the vessel's top was highlighted.
"What the hell do you mean? What happened to the rest?"
The Warhost-Master rubbed it's primary appendages together nervously.
"They, um, fell off."
"Fell off?"
"Yes sir. During the course of normal operation, most of the ship falls off. The ship ejects bits of itself, in order to reduce it's mass, during the course of operation. Their ship is basically a series of barrels full of volatile hydrocarbon compounds. They light one end, and the bottom barrel starts burning. When that is empty, they toss it away, to reduce their mass. They then light the end of the next barrel. And so on. In the end, about half a percent of the ship's mass actually arrives at the destination. The rest falls off. The entire ship is one-use only. It's little more than a giant barrel of volatile hydrocarbons pointed at the sky, on top of which three humans gleefully strap themselves and set on fire."
"And this works? They went to their moon in a ship that self-destructs by design?"
"More or less, sir. Based on analysis of their spacecraft, our AI estimates a loss-of-life failure rate of about 10%. Indeed, sir, they've been experimenting with crewed spaceflight for only a few picorotations, and have already suffered several fatal failures. Such an exorbitant risk would never be tolerated by any civilized species."
The Representative rubbed it's sensory cluster with an appendage in a sign of disbelief.
"These people are absolutely mad." | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | The captain stood before their company, his ferocity was inspiring.
"Its up to us!" he roared "The boys at the top are wanting to pull the funding for our little expedition, they say this has been a waste of men and money! This is our last chance to take back the colony from those bastards and drive them back to their blasted hovels!"
The team of three dozen on the ship let out a cheer, obviously inspired by our leader. I admit his speech had aroused a primal urge to fight. To protect the homes that we had established here. Their enemies likely out numbered them, but they were the best of the best. If they could just reactivate the bases defenses they could establish ground for reinforcements to land.
A blue light flashed, the crew got silent as they readied up. There was a bump as the ship touched down. There was a slight sound of air decompression and the doors swung open and the crew jumped out and took a wide battle formation.
"How did they know that we were coming!" someone shouted. I looked across the field and there they were. About 200 of them, already in full charge.
"FIRE FIRE FIRE!" screamed the captain as he himself unleashed a barrage of fire from his own weapon. The response was thunderous. The front line of the oncoming hoard went down but they didn't break.
"Why the hell would they come running right at us!" screamed the man next to me.
"These guys are insane what are they doing?" responded my friend who was standing next to me. It was then that they met us, their numbers were greatly thinned but the creatures they were riding tore through the left side of our line. A pointed pole one carried pierced my friends breast and bloomed as a flower out of his back
I turned to my ferocious captain to see him locked in combat with one of our assailants. The creature was clothed in metal from head to heel and carried a sharp piece of metal in its hand. As he brought it down on my captains arm it passed cleanly through his soft combat suit and the flesh beneath. Blood sprayed and I ran.
Next I remember I was yelling at the pilot of the ship to take off. These unorthodox tactics had broken larger battalions than ours and if we didn't get off this rock we would all be dead. As we took off I looked out the window and the shining combatant raised a visor on his helmet and I could see his soft fleshy face beneath. I bowed my head and braced for orbit break.
It would have to be me who broke it to the higher ups that we would never be able to return to this planet they called Earth. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| Late to the party as usual, but here goes.
In the human history there is man named Alexander whom they call 'the Great.' Alexander lead a vast army, which worshipped him, with which he conquered hundreds of kingdoms. He spread his noble culture to the far reaches of the world in an unbelievably short amount of time. However, there are legends that he was at least mildly insane. It is the belief of non-human species that this trait is what caused both him to be audacious enough to attempt the feats for which he became famous (even among the humans), and which humans are naturally more inclined. Man is mad, and it is that unrestrained human madness that pierces all other species with a cold dread when they hear, "Man is coming."
The humans have a saying: Ignorance is bliss. This sentiment, like the example of Alexander, lends credence to the cultural norm of willingly flinging themselves into high risk-high reward situations. Let me illustrate this with their first war, of many, with another species. The Luts were a race that was generally respected among the nobler galactic races, but today their name is spoken only after hesitation; it is not polite to bring it up in certain company. The Luts had sent a message to the humans that they owned the area into which the humans were expanding. It is unknown if they received or understood the message - it is most likely they simply ignored it. To Man's credit, the Luts did attack first.
After decimating the simplistic pioneer human ships, the Luts thought they'd be rid of the humans. It was the first exposure to alien technology they had ever had as a race. Surely they'd be conditioned not to fool with superior races. The Luts went back to their work and let their guard down.
Not a single standard solar cycle had passed when the Luts sent out distress signals to anyone who could receive them. The humans sent their entire space fleet to the exact coordinate where their first ships had been destroyed, opened fire with, would you believe it, physical and explosive projectiles, and did not let up for a single second for more than 500 hours straight. In space launching physical projectiles causes a ship to fly very unconventionally due to assymetric propulsions. Their ships flew crazily, absolutely impossible to anticipate their flight pattern. And if other human ships got in the way they were shot too! Energy shields do nothing against physical projectiles; the Lut ships, mining camps, colonies, everything was completey destroyed in the sector closest to the human home planet. In fact, human ships were still coming out of hyper-drive when their bombardment stopped, of course by that time the Luts had been obliterated. The point is, there's no way the humans had known about the energy fields' weaknesses, but in their ignorance they ran wildly into a fight. And they continued to run wild until the Luts, as they remain today, were economically crippled. As a side note, it is because of the humans that the new physhields had to be developed. But human ships? They continue to fly their ships naked, no shields at all.
Ok, I'm out of time. That's all.
Edit: Fixed some bad sentences, added a few words for thought clarity. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "They launched *WHAT* into orbit?!" For a moment, General Vizzan thought the page had lost his mind. They had the humans contained. All orbital defense platforms, and space viable transport had been crippled. Nothing was getting away without surrendering.
The page shifted akwardly on his legs. His wings bristled. "A water tower, sir." He handed him the pad. "They strapped several solid boosters to it to get it into orbit. It was moving too fast for us to track it before it collided with the Besar."
His brother, Delamis, was at the helm of the Besar. He made a prayer to the brood mother that he had survived. "Well what was the damage? Any casualties?"
"We are not sure, sir." he said, "We lost all contact with them after the impact."
The ship rocked beneath them. One large impact followed by a groan and a boom. That was not just a water tower. He had seen what their guns could do to a ship enough times to recognize the sound. "What was that?" he demanded of one of the techs in the bay below them.
A radar tech looked at him wide eyed. "The Besar has fired upon us, as well as fourteen other ships in the fleet. Damage to critical systems was minimal, but there have been reports of casualties in multiple sectors."
"Establish a contact. Now!" The view screen flashed to life, and Vizzan felt his heart stop beating.
Delamis was on the floor with his own sword, the blade he had commissioned for him, pressed to his throat. The leader of the planetary defense corps held it. "Vizzy!" he said mockingly, "Just the bug I was hoping to talk to." How in the brood mother's name did he manage to get aboard? *No fucking way*
"Johnson! What the hell did you do?"
A broad smile parted his tan skin to reveal white teeth. "Just thought I would take a closer look at the pride of your fleet. And I must say, she is *beautiful*. Could use a few improvements, particularly to the security countermeasures on the port side airlocks though. So many threats out there that could exploit it."
"Release him! Immediately!" He was not going to let them kill his brother.
The blade moved closer to Delamis' throat. He cringed away from it. "Order all forces to leave the system." All the humor had gone from his eyes.
Vizzan's attention turn to his own soldiers. "Order all ships to target the Besar. Cripple all key systems, but leave the bridge untouched."
"How many men do you have under your command here, Vizzy? Two maybe three million?" He signaled to someone off frame. "Say you manage to knock us out, without killing your little buddy here, in maybe 45 seconds. How much damage do you think I can do in that time." This man was insane. "I must say the payload on some of these guns... impressive. So how many are you willing to lose for this victory?"
A growl tore out of Vizzan's throat. The kind that meant he knew he had been beaten. "Order all ships to stand down."
Delamis squirmed beneath Johnson's boot. "Brother, don't!" he screamed. "My life is not worth it." But he was not just doing this for his brother, he was doing it for the tens of thousands that would die should they start firing.
"This is not over, Commander." Vizzan said. He would kill him slowly, intimately.
Johnson grinned. "I'm counting on it, now order your ships to jump." | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "I think we all know why we are here," the Zilem Planet Representative said.
"Earth," the group said in unison, exasperation edging into the lone syllable.
"Yes, indeed," he said softly. "It is my understanding that the Ceamnese have called this meeting. This is, as you all know, the ninth meeting about the behavior of Earth... this week. Just as with the other meetings, Earth's representatives have refused to defend the actions of the human race in this meeting. I believe they said they would, 'Rather stay home and watch TV.'"
The Zilem Representative sighed audibly, but after seeing the very concerned expressions around the table, quickly continued, "We have, of course, conducted a thorough sweep for bombs, poisons, and elaborate... 'booby traps,' I believe they called them," he said, and then cleared his throat pointedly.
"Have they ever sent anyone to these meetings?" a large, muscular creature in the corner asked.
"I think they sent someone once..."
"Nope," the Zilem Representative stated bluntly.
"Yes. Yes, they sent that rather hairy human one time."
"Wasn't a human," he replied with a sigh, "It was a... chimp? I believe they call them chimps."
"Yes, yes! Rather despondent individual, he was."
"Seemed appropriately repentant to me," the Qealph Representative said, flipping her hair gently over her shoulder.
"Really cheered when those strange oblong, yellow Earth snacks were served afterward, though," said Ef' Representative in a bright tone.
The Zilem representative cleared his throat and said, "Would the representative from Ceamn please stand and explain?"
"Certainly," the creature said politely as he stood. "Well, we asked the Earthlings some two zokils past to please refrain from dumping their trash into our oceans."
Everyone at the table breathed in sharply.
"Representative Ceamn, you would provoke them in this way?" the Qealph Representative asked in hushed tones.
"Yes, well... yes. I will admit that it was a bold request, but we had simply had enough. They replied that... well... they said that their trash was in our waters, which meant it was now their property... so they now had a right to retrieve their property that was unlawfully taken."
The room fell into a confused silence until one of the representatives leaned to the right and whispered, "What?"
"That's... what they said. I'm not sure how they came to the conclusion, they provided no reasoning, but the long and short of it is that they are now pumping our water supply into their water tower ships and leaving with it."
The room fell into a confused silence until one of the representatives leaned to the right and whispered louder, "What?"
"I..." the Ceamn Representative trailed off and shrugged instead, so as to express something along the lines of, "I have no idea."
"They're probably trying to replace all of the water they wasted from that time they tried to extinguish the Aeron System's sun?"
"Or when they did that... the game... what did they call it again?"
"Slip and Slide."
"Yes! The Slip and Slide... Space Edition, I believe they called it."
"Yes... many of their top leaders perished," the Qealph Representative said sadly.
"Well, not after they sloped it so that it went quick enough to justify no oxygen tanks."
"No, you're getting mixed up, Representative Zilem. They were still perishing rapidly even after the slope. No one died after they remembered to put in a landing platform."
There was another silence.
"They really tried to extinguish a sun by spraying water at it?" the Zilem Representative said abruptly.
"Yeah... but I mean, it didn't work."
"Well, what if it had though?!"
"Why'd they do that again?"
"Because the Aeronians were slightly late for a dinner meeting and Earth felt they 'needed a gentle reminder about politeness.'"
"Reminds me of that time they threatened to throw their sun at us."
"That is just egregious!"
"I agree. I tried to call them on it in the meeting. I said it was a ridiculous threat. I have to give it to them though, they doubled down on it. They kept insisting they had a lasso big enough to... what word did they use... 'wrangle' their sun. They said after that, throwing it at us was no problem."
"Wouldn't their own world grow cold and die?"
"I asked about that. I pointed it out rather quickly after the plan came to light. They said they already had the lasso and that retrieving another would be 'no damn problem at all.' I left it at that and backed down."
Another brief silence ensued.
"Well, I mean, you couldn't risk the lives of your people like that," the Qealph Representative said in a gentle way.
The Zilem Representative cleared his throat again. "Has the Ceamn Representative reached out to try and come up with a more, eh, diplomatic solution?"
The Ceamn Representative stood again. "Yes, sir. We mentioned that we could simply recycle the waste for them."
"And?"
"They responded that it, 'sounded like something little girls would do,' and then afterward only responded with 'little girls' to each of our inquiries."
"What is this word, 'girls?'" the Ef' Representative asked.
"I am not sure. We thought it might be a translation error given the sheer number of times they sent us the message, but it didn't take long to gather that it was actually meant as an insult."
The conference room's large doors slid open and a messenger arrived. "Sir, a representative from Earth has arrived."
"Finally!"
"Maybe now we can—"
"It is the chimp again."
"This is absurd!"
The chimp waddled over to the empty seat at the table and climbed up into it, and then climbed up onto the table itself. It wore a crisp white t-shirt, emblazoned with neon pink letters that spelled out, "CEAMN SUXX."
In one of its giant black hands, it held a small pink piece of paper. The chimp walk-crawled across the table and handed it to the Zilem Representative.
He read it slowly then crumpled it up.
"What did it say, sir?" the Ef' Representative asked.
"It said, 'Pink letters, for the little girls present."
A quiet filled the room as they all looked at the chimp.
"Someone please bring those snacks back out for the... Representative," the Zilem asked. "All in favor of a strongly worded letter asking the humans to cease the thieving of water from Ceamn?"
Everyone save for the Ceamn Representative raised a hand.
"Okay then, that's settled," said the Zilem Representative.
"I'm not sure that will be enough."
"Maybe not," the Zilem answered. "But I suspect it will be a lot like the time they challenged the ownership of our home planet. They insisted our leadership compete in a staring contest. After a few minutes, they simply got bored and wandered off."
--------
Edit: Thank you so much for the gold, mysterious benefactor, and thank you to everyone for all of the comments and upvotes. I'm inexpressibly flattered that you thought this story was worth it. :) | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | The group of generals, different in species, all huddled around the table that projected the approaching human fleet. The human warships were depicted in red, while the Combined Galactic Alliance's ships were in blue. Every blue dot outnumbered the red three to one. But yet the red dots were fast approaching the thick lines of blue.
The tallest general among the group, with four bulky green legs on the ground, his skin covered in green scales, turned towards the rest. "The humans do know that a full frontal assault on our combined blockade only has a 30% chance of succeeding right?" his voice boomed across the room.
A shorter figure, his furs almost covering his eyes, raised his equally furry arm to speak. "I believe they do, General Alrak. But from our past encounters with human fleets, they never cared about the statistical chances of victory."
Murmurs fell across the room, as the various generals recounted their own tales of skirmishes and battles with the human fleet. Human were the first species to exhibit behaviours that do not conform to the standard way of acting, often barging into battles despite the odds stacked against them.
General Alrak raised his hand to silence the room. "Colonel Csaz, what is this thing that the humans have, anyway? That makes them so foolishly brazen?
"Hope, sir. I believe that's what the humans call hope."
General Alrak smiled. "Alright, lets see if their hope today can stand against the proven mathematical probability that we have. Prepare the fleet!"
------
/r/dori_tales | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | "Alright, so how are we gonna do this?"
Grola looked to the group. He noticed that they were still relaxing and taking the time to enjoy themselves.
Expecting an answer, he repeated. "How are we gonna do this?"
Reft looked at Grola and said, "We're waiting for Nate."
"Nate?! The human?! He'll get us killed!"
Just then, another member of the group, Kwoac, irritatedly looked to Grola. "We won't die, but he will. We've been over this. Now sit down and shut up before he-"
"Hey, guys."
Everyone in the room shut up and looked to the door. He looked so off. Out of place. Humans were somewhat new to the whole area, so having someone not scaly or furry in the group was odd, not to mention dangerous. Humans were known to kill for odd reasons, after all.
"So, how will we do this?" asked Nate.
The strategist, Yotuc, looked to the board. Not electronic, untraceable.
"So, me and Grola will go in through the top of the building via the air vents. Nate will go in, be the distraction for the guards. Don't shoot until shit goes wrong." He looked to Nate. "*Got it?*
"Well, what if I was a distraction by maybe... shooting the security cameras so they don't see our faces? Or anything they can use to identify us?"
"*NO.*" Yotuc turned back to the board and ran his claws against another part of the diagram. "Kwoak, you and Trowyan will go in through this side of the building, towards the safes. You will then be given the drills by me and Grola. Nate's distraction should be going strong by that point, and we'll get out Scott free. Of course, all of this assumes that the corruption software worked correctly on the cameras. So, in short, you shouldn't need to shoot them. Reft, you make sure that the camo works on the crew going in to drop the drill. We could only afford two, so they better fucking work. When you've done that, make sure our vehicles are prepared."
"Any questions?"
Silence.
"Okay. Let's roll!"
Everyone grabbed their rifles and headed to the bank in different cars.
_______________________________________________________
"N, everything going fine?"
"Perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything fine there, Y?"
"Yep. K?"
"Doing fine. Waiting on you."
Nate looked around the lobby. Creatures moving through, depositing or withdrawing credits.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nate spotted a red light.
"Guys. Cameras are on. Cameras are fucking on."
"What?"
"You deaf, T? The fucking cameras are on."
"Well, what do we do?"
Just then, Nate got an idea.
"Hang tight. I've got an idea."
Everyone switched voice channels and got ready for Nate's untimely demise.
"There we go. The human will die, and we'll get the money."
"Can't believe he bought that! Great thinking, K."
Kwoak giggled and her scales changed to pink, indicating happiness.
Meanwhile, Nate had grabbed his rifle and his mask. He ran into the lobby, took aim at the ceiling, and got ready.
"3... 2..."
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"...1."
_______________________________________________________
*TWELVE DAYS LATER*
"How the fuck is he still alive?"
"Kwoak, we got the money."
"Yeah, we did, Grola." Kwoak then shoved Grola, disturbing his fur as he fell off of the sofa. "But let me remind you, WE COULD'VE GOTTEN MORE CREDITS IF HE DIED."
"Kwoak, relax."
Yotuc entered the room and drank some whiskey. If there was one thing he could thank humans for, it was that.
"We got the money. And also, Nate happens to have completely wiped our profiles from the police database. Humans are very intelligent when it comes to technology, wouldn't you agree?"
Trowyan finally spoke up. "Yeah, at least we got some money. Most people would kill for the amount we each got. Plus, I actually think that human's a good friend. Got to know him a bit better over the past few days. Real nice kid."
Yotuc nodded, as did Grola, who then said, "I thought he was a liability, but he got us out of there. Kept in touch. Really into those games of his."
"Reft? What about you?"
"Fucking adore him."
Kwoak, obviously frustrated, said, "Am I the only one who thinks he should've died?"
The group responded in unison, "Yep."
Across town, Nate was playing some games, getting ready to attack an enemy base with friends.
As the plan was executed, Nate smirked.
"Hang on, guys. I've got an idea."
_______________________________________________________
I pulled those names out of my ass. | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "Field medic? Why are we humouring the new prospect anyway? We have body labs." Muttered Zelska. Zelska was what the humans would call "A fucking idiot." Jorax reflected.
"Well," Jorax began "Aahii are the greatest builders and engineers in the universe,right?"
"Of course!" Snapped Zelska.
"But, Aahii don't repair anything, ever. The idea that they could craft something that does. Not. Work. Is impossible to contemplate...Humans make trash, they are ugly and backwards, lumbering idiots with no understanding of design or even the principles upon which all great devices work. You've seen it though, heard rumours of humans re-purposing derelict Aahii craft. Making gateways out of purifiers! Human engineers get you home when the gods spit upon your fate and shatter your drive..."
Zelska cut him off, near frothing with impatient rage "We all know the importance of a human engineer on staff, but why do we need this bloody medic!"
Jorax shifts his tunic, revealing a jagged mess of scarring.A near impossible amount of his lower abdomen missing. "It's not just ships a human can hold together when the gods turn their back on you..."
| "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me."
"No, sir. It's true."
"They only have one carrier. We have a station in orbit around their planet. They can't possibly win."
"Sir . . . They've started playing their war cry."
"Not--"
"The Eye of the Tiger, sir." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | Treg'Luf'Arwa couldn't believe his eyes. He doubted that his Father, Luf'Arwa'Yos, or his father's father, Arwa'Yos'Hul, would've believe their eyes either, had they come to see this day.
Fire had been raining on his planet for days now. The home planet of his species being the latest conquest for the Gaouls, a ferocious, carnivorous meat eating reptile species that must've, he guessed, discovered space travel through chance alone. They took to it like canine teeth to raw meat, however, and they were currently the deadliest force in the galaxy.
He, that is to say, Treg was one of the last soldiers on the planet, his entire family had been shipped off to a refugee camp a few weeks ago as every single last of his kind in fighting shape prepared for their final stand. Three nights prior, he had heard over the communications relay that the Homo Sapiens would be entering in the fight against the Gaouls. He understood why, and didn't blame them for not entering earlier. The planet he called his home, Cip-5, was very near some human colonies, relatively. If they feel, their farms were next. Support was supposed to arrive today, and damn if it hadn't.
First were the railshots. Railshots, for those who don't know, were intended solely for ranged empty space skirmishes, meant to rip open hulls and tear through engines. The only reason they weren't used in atmospheric battles was because accuracy could be off in such an enviroment, with increased gravity and the physics nightmare that is air itself. The humans, however, didn't seem to worry about such a thing, merely aiming their ships directly at the planet, and raining down tungsten rods like raindrops.
Next were the dropships. He couldn't be sure, as both his ears were ringing and it's entirely possible that his universal translator, located in his skull, was damaged in the earthshaking first offense by the earthlings, but he swore that the dropships were playing... music? While the words were hard to make out, the words "Senator's son" and "It ain't me!" were clear enough.
The oddest thing? After they had found him among the rubble, and began to patch up his wounds, he looked over their weapons. Some were indeed wielding the latest in plasma-pulse technology, firing miniature balls of perfectly round electric energy, while others had them slung across their backs, instead choosing to use what looked like tools that belonged in a museum. The metal was so dark, it looked like iron, and certain pieces, he thought he was dreaming, were they wood?
The Gaouls couldn't stand up to it. Every single trick Treg could think of was pulled, including several he would never have considered, like small man excursions onto Gaoul ships to slam them into ground camps, pulling engines off grounded dropships just to overload them and have them turn city-sized plots of land into glass floors, and, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this, all 8 of them, slamming the Gaoul's moon into their homeworld in a secret military operation.
Cheers went up when the Gaouls finally declared their surrender to the Alliance. Treg, glancing around, saw a single man with a scowl on his face, running a stone down a piece of what seemed to be sharpened steel with a leather grip. In fact, there was much about the man that was odd. Instead of the lightly armored dark grey camouflage pants that seemed to be standard issue, he wore some odd, brightly colored open cloth. On his back was a series of bags that wheezed with his movements, as if they were their own creature. When Treg finally got up the courage to ask the biped what was wrong, the man snapped back to reality for a second, looking the Cipentenian up and down before spitting out a black globule of sludge.
"Damn higher ups. If they didn't pull these big goddamn acts of military might, we could've kept this war going another few years." Accentuating the end of the sentence by pulling a load of black flakes out of a small, flimsy container, and shoving it into his cheek.
That day on, Treg offered every single human he saw free meals at his family's restaurant as soon as it was rebuilt on his homeworld. Not on gratitude alone, no, but because he saw exactly what kind of humans existed, and wanted to make sure that one never personally declared war on him or his planet. He doubted there'd be a single survivor.
EDIT: Fixed Treg's name, and changed a few words. Wrote this half asleep. | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | The Slomerian war-room fell deathly silent after the spymaster completed his report, his last words hanging in the air like an overripe melon.
General Larue, pacing angrily back and forth at the head of table, finally brought an armoured tendril crashing down. The other commanders flinched, bracing against the latest outburst from their leader.
"That's preposterous! You're telling me the humans knew that they had a less than 15% chance of succeeding at their last assault, but they pushed through anyway?"
Captain Mersupi, the unfortunate spymaster on duty, nodded carefully. "Our reports are 99.5% accurate, which may I remind you, satisfies the Certainty Threshold mandated by law and custom."
The other commanders found themselves agreeing. They couldn't help it - embedded in their very upbringing was an unshakeable respect for probabilities, and just as none of them would ever have proceeded with any course of action rated below the Certainty Threshold, so would none of them ever dream of questioning anything above it.
"But how can that be? 15%? Can there even be a species in this whole spit-stained universe that dares to embark on something that has a less-than-even chance of succeeding?" General Larue shuddered, the chills travelling down his chitinous shell.
On the holoscreens scattered through the war-room, recordings from the last engagement played on loop. Though the gathered audience winced incessantly at every act of daring taken by the humans, there was a growing sense of awe, at how untethered and... successful these humans were turning out to be.
"It's in their training, that's what's making all the difference."
"We may be physiologically different, but as living creatures, we all fear death and mortality the same way! How can training possibly overcome that?"
Captain Mersupi flicked through the command panel screens with his tendrils, and the images on the holoscreens changed.
"For starters, General, the entire population is able to, *nay*, encouraged to take chances from a very young age. These images, taken from deep behind enemy lines, are testament to that. From as young as 18 years of age, they are incentivised to part with personal property for a chance, a mere chance, to win more personal property."
General Larue sucked air through his teeth. "The savages... and what's the chance of winning at this... training?"
"I shan't say the figures - my own insects suffered heart attacks when they saw the numbers for themselves. This is called the Powerball, and that's just one version of it. Similar events, on a regular basis, are held all across their home planet, across every tribe."
"That's all the training involves?"
"I wish, General! They have hothouses too, advanced training centers, where humans spend their entire day training at games of chance. They throw rounded stones with numbers, they exchange flattened plastics with numbers, they even deign to predict animal races with numbers!"
"You mean the same specialised training we offer to our elite, is open to any human over a certain age."
The junior insect nodded, his feelers drooping slightly. "It's embedded in their books, their media as well. I've obtained a sampling. Observe."
More flailing at command panels with tendrils followed. "This is one of the most beloved military films the humans have. Suffice to say, the bad guys are the ones controlling that giant round starship there. The heroes of the film develop a plan to take it down, but that involves flying a single cruiser right into the heart of the giant starship. And yes, we ran the probabilities too - 2% success rate."
"And did they succeed?"
"Of course they did! They persevered and reaped the rewards! Even better, two decades on they remade the same show, with the exact same plot and probability matrix, and the humans were still hungry for more of the same!"
Strains of loathsome human music began playing over the speakers, and General Larue forced himself to ignore the tunes, and to focus instead on the insidious lyrics. His grasp of human speech had improved to the point where he no longer needed help with translation.
"You will tell me next that this is a popular song on Earth," said General Larue, grimly, "where they once again behoove each other to ignore the risks, to seek the paradise which lurks in the lower depths of probability?"
Captain Mersupi collapsed into his chair, defeated. "Yes, and this is but one song from their abhorrent catalogue of mating ritual songs. It advocates, you see, the taking of risk to find a soulmate. It is in every facet of their lives, General. Every step of their lives, they are reminded to seek out the improbable! We are doomed!"
---
*If you change your mind*
*I'm the first in line*
*Honey I'm still free*
*Take a chance on me...*
---
/r/rarelyfunny
| |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "And who can tell me about the events of the first cycle?"
Professor Gooblevork watched his Galactic History class intently through triplicate eyestalks. None seemed particularly interested in his lecture.
"How about you, Shrdmrn?" He pointed at a particularly bored student in the first row. Or maybe he was just gassy? Gooblevork had a hard time reading the emotions of the furrier species in his class.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, professor. I don't know." He responded. He seemed distracted - ah, that's it, that's the emotion!
"What's on your mind, Shrdmrn?"
The wolf-boy touched a switch on his desk, pulling up a small holographic map. The professor pulled up a larger display for the whole class to see.
"I was just wondering about the Galactic Alliance. Thousands of sentient alien species, all throughout the galaxy, came together from all of these systems, right?"
The hologram glowed, indicating several systems, and a few uncharted territories in black.
"That's correct. What is your question?"
"I was just wondering about this area here."
He pointed out a small black dot in the middle of the glowing cloud. Gooblevork sighed and sat down.
"That, dear boy, is the realm of the human."
A collective gasp went through the crowd. Shrdmrn's brows furrowed.
"Is this a joke, professor?"
The professor slithered over to the wolf-boy.
"They're real, boy. A monstrous species, completely devoid of logic and reason."
The wolf-boy looked at him intently.
"How, sir?"
The professor slithered to the center of the room.
"How many of you are familiar with the chemical compound C2H6O?"
One of the students in the back spoke up.
"It's a deadly poison, sir!"
"It should be. Its use is forbidden among the civilized worlds of the Alliance, as it's an unconscionably painful death. But the human willingly imbibes it."
The crowd gasped. But the professor wasn't done.
"Regularly."
The students gasped again and stared in shock.
"Their planet, Earth, is harsh and unforgiving. It's located close to their star, which bombards their planet in radiation daily. But the humans don't care. At the hottest times in the year, the humans willingly expose their bodies to that radiation as some sort of mating ritual."
The professor admitted to himself that he was having a bit more fun than he should.
"And does anyone know where they get their energy from?"
"From their star?"
The professor laughed.
"No! They pump a fluid from the earth - a fluid born of the bodies of ancient life. They fight each other over this fluid, and when they have enough, they light the fluid on fire."
The professor paused to allow this to sink in.
"The burning fluid releases poisons - poisons the Alliance would never deem safe. But humans? Humans don't care. They use the expansion of he poisons to create power."
One student raised his hand.
"Are they all going to die on their planet, professor?"
The professor smiled.
"Maybe. But it's possible that they won't. They've built a way to leave their planet."
The crowd gasped again, even louder than before.
"How could such a ludicrous race build a gravity drive on their own?"
The professor said, "I never said it was a gravity drive. They developed a way to sit on top of a column of explosives. They detonate the explosives, and the explosion sends them into space."
One of the students stands up.
"That's a joke, right?"
The professor smiles.
"They've left their planet before." | "They launched *WHAT* into orbit?!" For a moment, General Vizzan thought the page had lost his mind. They had the humans contained. All orbital defense platforms, and space viable transport had been crippled. Nothing was getting away without surrendering.
The page shifted akwardly on his legs. His wings bristled. "A water tower, sir." He handed him the pad. "They strapped several solid boosters to it to get it into orbit. It was moving too fast for us to track it before it collided with the Besar."
His brother, Delamis, was at the helm of the Besar. He made a prayer to the brood mother that he had survived. "Well what was the damage? Any casualties?"
"We are not sure, sir." he said, "We lost all contact with them after the impact."
The ship rocked beneath them. One large impact followed by a groan and a boom. That was not just a water tower. He had seen what their guns could do to a ship enough times to recognize the sound. "What was that?" he demanded of one of the techs in the bay below them.
A radar tech looked at him wide eyed. "The Besar has fired upon us, as well as fourteen other ships in the fleet. Damage to critical systems was minimal, but there have been reports of casualties in multiple sectors."
"Establish a contact. Now!" The view screen flashed to life, and Vizzan felt his heart stop beating.
Delamis was on the floor with his own sword, the blade he had commissioned for him, pressed to his throat. The leader of the planetary defense corps held it. "Vizzy!" he said mockingly, "Just the bug I was hoping to talk to." How in the brood mother's name did he manage to get aboard? *No fucking way*
"Johnson! What the hell did you do?"
A broad smile parted his tan skin to reveal white teeth. "Just thought I would take a closer look at the pride of your fleet. And I must say, she is *beautiful*. Could use a few improvements, particularly to the security countermeasures on the port side airlocks though. So many threats out there that could exploit it."
"Release him! Immediately!" He was not going to let them kill his brother.
The blade moved closer to Delamis' throat. He cringed away from it. "Order all forces to leave the system." All the humor had gone from his eyes.
Vizzan's attention turn to his own soldiers. "Order all ships to target the Besar. Cripple all key systems, but leave the bridge untouched."
"How many men do you have under your command here, Vizzy? Two maybe three million?" He signaled to someone off frame. "Say you manage to knock us out, without killing your little buddy here, in maybe 45 seconds. How much damage do you think I can do in that time." This man was insane. "I must say the payload on some of these guns... impressive. So how many are you willing to lose for this victory?"
A growl tore out of Vizzan's throat. The kind that meant he knew he had been beaten. "Order all ships to stand down."
Delamis squirmed beneath Johnson's boot. "Brother, don't!" he screamed. "My life is not worth it." But he was not just doing this for his brother, he was doing it for the tens of thousands that would die should they start firing.
"This is not over, Commander." Vizzan said. He would kill him slowly, intimately.
Johnson grinned. "I'm counting on it, now order your ships to jump." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | "They launched *WHAT* into orbit?!" For a moment, General Vizzan thought the page had lost his mind. They had the humans contained. All orbital defense platforms, and space viable transport had been crippled. Nothing was getting away without surrendering.
The page shifted akwardly on his legs. His wings bristled. "A water tower, sir." He handed him the pad. "They strapped several solid boosters to it to get it into orbit. It was moving too fast for us to track it before it collided with the Besar."
His brother, Delamis, was at the helm of the Besar. He made a prayer to the brood mother that he had survived. "Well what was the damage? Any casualties?"
"We are not sure, sir." he said, "We lost all contact with them after the impact."
The ship rocked beneath them. One large impact followed by a groan and a boom. That was not just a water tower. He had seen what their guns could do to a ship enough times to recognize the sound. "What was that?" he demanded of one of the techs in the bay below them.
A radar tech looked at him wide eyed. "The Besar has fired upon us, as well as fourteen other ships in the fleet. Damage to critical systems was minimal, but there have been reports of casualties in multiple sectors."
"Establish a contact. Now!" The view screen flashed to life, and Vizzan felt his heart stop beating.
Delamis was on the floor with his own sword, the blade he had commissioned for him, pressed to his throat. The leader of the planetary defense corps held it. "Vizzy!" he said mockingly, "Just the bug I was hoping to talk to." How in the brood mother's name did he manage to get aboard? *No fucking way*
"Johnson! What the hell did you do?"
A broad smile parted his tan skin to reveal white teeth. "Just thought I would take a closer look at the pride of your fleet. And I must say, she is *beautiful*. Could use a few improvements, particularly to the security countermeasures on the port side airlocks though. So many threats out there that could exploit it."
"Release him! Immediately!" He was not going to let them kill his brother.
The blade moved closer to Delamis' throat. He cringed away from it. "Order all forces to leave the system." All the humor had gone from his eyes.
Vizzan's attention turn to his own soldiers. "Order all ships to target the Besar. Cripple all key systems, but leave the bridge untouched."
"How many men do you have under your command here, Vizzy? Two maybe three million?" He signaled to someone off frame. "Say you manage to knock us out, without killing your little buddy here, in maybe 45 seconds. How much damage do you think I can do in that time." This man was insane. "I must say the payload on some of these guns... impressive. So how many are you willing to lose for this victory?"
A growl tore out of Vizzan's throat. The kind that meant he knew he had been beaten. "Order all ships to stand down."
Delamis squirmed beneath Johnson's boot. "Brother, don't!" he screamed. "My life is not worth it." But he was not just doing this for his brother, he was doing it for the tens of thousands that would die should they start firing.
"This is not over, Commander." Vizzan said. He would kill him slowly, intimately.
Johnson grinned. "I'm counting on it, now order your ships to jump." | |
[WP] Humans are one of the most feared species in the galaxy. Not due to superior strength,speed,skill or strategy. In fact, it's because in comparison to the other species, humans are just batshit crazy enough to try any half-assed plan they come up with. | "My Lord! My Lord!"
The captain, a large yellow cat holding a rather impractical spear in one clawed hand, jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning around guiltily. "Blast it yeoman, what is it? It's almost time for my hunting break."
The yeoman came to a halt, breathing heavily. "It's the humans, sir. Our long range scanners are picking up error signals from their world!"
The spear creaked dangerously in the captain's hand. *"What!?* I was assured that problem was dealt with!"
The yeoman fidgeted nervously, "Well, yes sir-"
"We put warp interdiction fields over their entire system!" the captain snapped, "Anti-Grav-blockers, too, not to mention a half dozen others. Keeping them on that bloody dirtball has been the most expensive endeavour in galactic history! Any means for leaving their planet should be permanently blocked; What danger could they possibly pose *this* time?"
The yeoman, nervously looked down at his printout, slightly ragged where his claws had nervously punctured the edges. "Um...well, according to this, they've achieved orbital flight. Even visited their moon again, sir - and their first probes are leaving their system as we speak."
*"WHAT!?* How!?"
"Well, it appears that they, um, strapped small crews of their species atop giant towers of explosives, sir."
"...what."
"T-that's just what it says, sir."
"...By Akltar, I'd almost forgotten how insane they were." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Please, at least tell me that's the most they've accomplished?"
"...um."
"*Akltar Blasted Damn it!* Everything, yeoman."
"Well, they've established a global intelligence network, sir, so we were able to acquire a surprisingly large amount of information. It appears they have plans for more powerful rockets, powered by nuclear explosions."
"You mean nuclear reactors."
"Um...no, sir."
"...Damn it." | "I think we all know why we are here," the Zilem Planet Representative said.
"Earth," the group said in unison, exasperation edging into the lone syllable.
"Yes, indeed," he said softly. "It is my understanding that the Ceamnese have called this meeting. This is, as you all know, the ninth meeting about the behavior of Earth... this week. Just as with the other meetings, Earth's representatives have refused to defend the actions of the human race in this meeting. I believe they said they would, 'Rather stay home and watch TV.'"
The Zilem Representative sighed audibly, but after seeing the very concerned expressions around the table, quickly continued, "We have, of course, conducted a thorough sweep for bombs, poisons, and elaborate... 'booby traps,' I believe they called them," he said, and then cleared his throat pointedly.
"Have they ever sent anyone to these meetings?" a large, muscular creature in the corner asked.
"I think they sent someone once..."
"Nope," the Zilem Representative stated bluntly.
"Yes. Yes, they sent that rather hairy human one time."
"Wasn't a human," he replied with a sigh, "It was a... chimp? I believe they call them chimps."
"Yes, yes! Rather despondent individual, he was."
"Seemed appropriately repentant to me," the Qealph Representative said, flipping her hair gently over her shoulder.
"Really cheered when those strange oblong, yellow Earth snacks were served afterward, though," said Ef' Representative in a bright tone.
The Zilem representative cleared his throat and said, "Would the representative from Ceamn please stand and explain?"
"Certainly," the creature said politely as he stood. "Well, we asked the Earthlings some two zokils past to please refrain from dumping their trash into our oceans."
Everyone at the table breathed in sharply.
"Representative Ceamn, you would provoke them in this way?" the Qealph Representative asked in hushed tones.
"Yes, well... yes. I will admit that it was a bold request, but we had simply had enough. They replied that... well... they said that their trash was in our waters, which meant it was now their property... so they now had a right to retrieve their property that was unlawfully taken."
The room fell into a confused silence until one of the representatives leaned to the right and whispered, "What?"
"That's... what they said. I'm not sure how they came to the conclusion, they provided no reasoning, but the long and short of it is that they are now pumping our water supply into their water tower ships and leaving with it."
The room fell into a confused silence until one of the representatives leaned to the right and whispered louder, "What?"
"I..." the Ceamn Representative trailed off and shrugged instead, so as to express something along the lines of, "I have no idea."
"They're probably trying to replace all of the water they wasted from that time they tried to extinguish the Aeron System's sun?"
"Or when they did that... the game... what did they call it again?"
"Slip and Slide."
"Yes! The Slip and Slide... Space Edition, I believe they called it."
"Yes... many of their top leaders perished," the Qealph Representative said sadly.
"Well, not after they sloped it so that it went quick enough to justify no oxygen tanks."
"No, you're getting mixed up, Representative Zilem. They were still perishing rapidly even after the slope. No one died after they remembered to put in a landing platform."
There was another silence.
"They really tried to extinguish a sun by spraying water at it?" the Zilem Representative said abruptly.
"Yeah... but I mean, it didn't work."
"Well, what if it had though?!"
"Why'd they do that again?"
"Because the Aeronians were slightly late for a dinner meeting and Earth felt they 'needed a gentle reminder about politeness.'"
"Reminds me of that time they threatened to throw their sun at us."
"That is just egregious!"
"I agree. I tried to call them on it in the meeting. I said it was a ridiculous threat. I have to give it to them though, they doubled down on it. They kept insisting they had a lasso big enough to... what word did they use... 'wrangle' their sun. They said after that, throwing it at us was no problem."
"Wouldn't their own world grow cold and die?"
"I asked about that. I pointed it out rather quickly after the plan came to light. They said they already had the lasso and that retrieving another would be 'no damn problem at all.' I left it at that and backed down."
Another brief silence ensued.
"Well, I mean, you couldn't risk the lives of your people like that," the Qealph Representative said in a gentle way.
The Zilem Representative cleared his throat again. "Has the Ceamn Representative reached out to try and come up with a more, eh, diplomatic solution?"
The Ceamn Representative stood again. "Yes, sir. We mentioned that we could simply recycle the waste for them."
"And?"
"They responded that it, 'sounded like something little girls would do,' and then afterward only responded with 'little girls' to each of our inquiries."
"What is this word, 'girls?'" the Ef' Representative asked.
"I am not sure. We thought it might be a translation error given the sheer number of times they sent us the message, but it didn't take long to gather that it was actually meant as an insult."
The conference room's large doors slid open and a messenger arrived. "Sir, a representative from Earth has arrived."
"Finally!"
"Maybe now we can—"
"It is the chimp again."
"This is absurd!"
The chimp waddled over to the empty seat at the table and climbed up into it, and then climbed up onto the table itself. It wore a crisp white t-shirt, emblazoned with neon pink letters that spelled out, "CEAMN SUXX."
In one of its giant black hands, it held a small pink piece of paper. The chimp walk-crawled across the table and handed it to the Zilem Representative.
He read it slowly then crumpled it up.
"What did it say, sir?" the Ef' Representative asked.
"It said, 'Pink letters, for the little girls present."
A quiet filled the room as they all looked at the chimp.
"Someone please bring those snacks back out for the... Representative," the Zilem asked. "All in favor of a strongly worded letter asking the humans to cease the thieving of water from Ceamn?"
Everyone save for the Ceamn Representative raised a hand.
"Okay then, that's settled," said the Zilem Representative.
"I'm not sure that will be enough."
"Maybe not," the Zilem answered. "But I suspect it will be a lot like the time they challenged the ownership of our home planet. They insisted our leadership compete in a staring contest. After a few minutes, they simply got bored and wandered off."
--------
Edit: Thank you so much for the gold, mysterious benefactor, and thank you to everyone for all of the comments and upvotes. I'm inexpressibly flattered that you thought this story was worth it. :) | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | I must be dead. After all, I went to bed eighty-seven years old and woke up in my thirties. At least I'm pretty sure I'm in my thirties. The dice are hot. The women and even some of the men are hot. The drinks, thankfully, are cold. So why not go for broke?
I hurl the dice down the length of the craps table, and a dozen heads turn to see what I've rolled. Another six! I can't lose.
"I'm buying this hotel!" I shout. "How much?"
A beautiful woman slips through the crowd and wraps her arm around my neck.
"That was fast, my dear," she murmurs.
I pull away from her.
"What are you talking about? Are here to take me to Heaven? Or....or Hell?"
The lady snorted.
"Of course not. I just can't believed you solved the episode so quickly."
"Episode?"
"This is the Star Trek afterlife, you know. You've just finished 'The Royale' in thirty minutes flat. So, I'm here to take you to another episode. Do you have a preference at to series? Original, TNG, DS9, Voyager, Enterprise...?"
"Wait, what?" I ask, confused. I wasn't particularly a fan of Star Trek, I mean yeah I used to watch it, ages ago. But I had no idea why deity would think I should end up here.
"Would you like to speak the owner?" the young woman asked.
"You're damn right I would. Where are they?"
The woman's form shimmered, and in her place stood a man with a mischievous grin on his face.
"Q, here. How may I annoy you?" | "And here it is Mike! Whatcha think? I decorated it myself" Death said with a low but belly-filled chuckle.
"What the *Hell is this?? This is just... what? A 6 foot by 10 foot office space? What even is this decoration? It's just a picture of you holding a cat similar to those weird portraits back in the 18th century. This has to be a joke." Mike said impatiently as he stared Death in the eyes.
"I mean it's not like we could make any room for you. YOU asked if there was any other place. Plus man, you didn't really do much in your life. You just kinda did the same routine. Oh well man. It's what ya get." Said Death scooting Mike into his office.
"Well.. I guess it isn't too* bad.." as Mike played with the roll of tape and sticky notes in the office | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | *Ding!*
It’s cloudy again. Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll get some drizzle this afternoon.
*Ding! Ding!*
I like drizzle.
*Ding!*
I used to like thunderstorms too. I’d kill for a good thunderstorm. It might drown out that fucking-
*Ding!*
…noise. It drives me crazy, I swear to god. Things just haven’t been the same since our great cosmic overlord decided that capitalism was the next big thing. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in Heaven as it is on Earth - or something like that.
*Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!*
The problem is that They decided that services in exchange for money were too mortal for the afterlife. Instead, They chose to reinforce the moral apartheid and went for exchangeable morality points for our actions. Which I hear works just fine up in the Big Two: be a nice person in Heaven and you get points. Be a dick in Hell, points for you. It keeps the balance: the holy stay holy, and the damned stay damned.
The issues arise when you come to us. The Middlers. The lost and forgotten, stuck in no man’s land committing morally ambiguous acts everywhere you look. A melting pot of good, evil and everything in between. We get points if we’re good and points if we’re bad, and double points for all things ambivalent. And that means that fucking sound goes off every time anyone does anything at all: “you get a point - ding! - and you get a point - ding! - everyone gets a point!”
*Ding!*
But that’s not so bad, right? At least we’re all rich. We should be living like emperors, except-
*Ding!*
Do you know what happens when there’s too much currency in circulation?
*Ding!*
Inflation.
*Ding!*
Now, up here we don’t have to worry about food or rent. All-inclusive accommodation is a perk of being dead. But things that make being dead bearable? Crazy expensive.
*Ding! Ding! Ding!*
I’m saving up for a pair of earplugs. | "And here it is Mike! Whatcha think? I decorated it myself" Death said with a low but belly-filled chuckle.
"What the *Hell is this?? This is just... what? A 6 foot by 10 foot office space? What even is this decoration? It's just a picture of you holding a cat similar to those weird portraits back in the 18th century. This has to be a joke." Mike said impatiently as he stared Death in the eyes.
"I mean it's not like we could make any room for you. YOU asked if there was any other place. Plus man, you didn't really do much in your life. You just kinda did the same routine. Oh well man. It's what ya get." Said Death scooting Mike into his office.
"Well.. I guess it isn't too* bad.." as Mike played with the roll of tape and sticky notes in the office | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | The darkness, hollow and cold, was pierced by a sudden light that streaked away to infinity. With a wild gasp, Emily awoke. She blinked away tears, taking in her surroundings. A small yet luxurious office. She sat in a fine leather chair situated in front of a mahogany desk. The thin gentleman behind the desk had white hair, yet his face looked young. He looked up and smiled. “Ah, right on schedule, Ms. Nakahara,” he said in a calm, jovial voice.
“What is this place?” she asked. Emily’s eyes went wide, and she pressed a hand to her stomach. “Wait! I was...bleeding. What happened? Where’s my husband?”
The man across the desk cleared his throat. “There are several ways in which you and your husband differ, you know? He’s a man, you’re a woman. He likes Star Wars, you prefer Star Trek. He’s alive, you’re…”
She waited a few breaths. “Dead. You’re saying I’m dead. Cut the crap! What the hell kind of con is this?!”
“I understand, ma’am. Most people react this way. You must be terribly upset. I bet your pulse is skyrocketing right now.”
At that, she gained a sudden awareness. Her pulse was gone. She sank back down and took a few moments to compose herself. “Dead, huh?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Okay...well…” Emily’s eyes caught the placard on the desk. “Mr. Gray. Do I get to know which direction I’m going? Up or down?”
“Neither.”
“Wait, what?”
“You don’t meet the requirements for either Heaven or Hell, ma’am. Really, they’re both quite exclusive. They only seem prominent because they pay for the most ad space. Most people end up...here!” Gray gestured dramatically around the small room.
“...I’m stuck in this office?”
“Argh, no! Hold on…” He seemed to be pressing a button under his desk. Repeatedly. “Why won’t it...ah, there!” With a resounding clang, the walls and ceiling fell away.
Beyond was...everything.
A dark sky filled with stars, planets, and galaxies stretched off in every direction, including below. “Welcome to the Hub!” Gray declared.
Emily sank into her chair. The sheer expanse was daunting. “This is...amazing…”
Gray nodded and leaned forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face. “If you ask me, it’s a lot more interesting than those two ‘elite clubs’ you hear so much about.” He winked.
“So...what do I do here? Do I just...float? Forever?”
“Oh, no no no! What fun would that be?” Gray snapped his fingers. Emily found herself standing in what appeared to be a futuristic-looking train station.
She scanned some of the destination names on a board nearby. “Weather Control...Exploration...Chance...Godhood University...Dream Weaving...World Building...are these…”
“Just a handful of many zones in the Hub,” Gray finished. “Enough to keep you occupied for centuries. And if you ever get bored, well…” He pointed to another destination that read “Reincarnation Offices” in glowing letters.
Emily chuckled. “So...what is this one? Exploration?”
Gray smiled. “I had a feeling you’d be drawn to that.” He walked toward a large gateway and beckoned her to follow. The space within the massive door was like the surface of a shimmering lake. “It’s a portal,” the man explained.
“I figured as much. I’ve seen Stargate.”
They stepped through, and the two of them were floating in the middle of a starfield.
“Space again!” Emily noted.
“This time it’s the real thing. We’re being projected to the mortal plane.” Gray opened a starmap of the nearby stellar region. “You see, the gods, contrary to popular belief, are not *all*-knowing. Sure they’re experts in their own people and their own world. But out in the vastness of the cosmos, even the gods are in the dark. The Exploration division seeks to scout those unseen areas. We’ve already got a lot of personnel congregating in the Trappist system, but you’d be welcome to venture in any direction.”
“That’s incredible! You know...ever since I was a girl, I’ve always dreamed of exploring the unknown...but by the time I was born, most of Earth was already mapped.”
Gray nodded. “You always were the adventurous type.”
“Yeah. That’s why my husband and I were out in…” her voice trailed away. “He would have loved to see this.”
“It wasn’t his time.”
“Oh, I know...I want him to live his life to the fullest. And...I’ll be waiting for him. Even if it takes decades. Then we can go off exploring the universe. Together.”
“What if he finds someone else while you’re gone?” Gray asked.
Emily shuddered. “I...guess that’s possible. But it’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’ve got all the time in the universe, right?” She thought back to the train station. “There was a section called ‘Dream Weaving’, wasn’t there?”
“That’s correct.”
“...can I use it to say goodbye?”
After a moment, Gray put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.” The man summoned a portal back to the station, and they stepped through.
*****
*Edited for spelling/grammar.*
| "And here it is Mike! Whatcha think? I decorated it myself" Death said with a low but belly-filled chuckle.
"What the *Hell is this?? This is just... what? A 6 foot by 10 foot office space? What even is this decoration? It's just a picture of you holding a cat similar to those weird portraits back in the 18th century. This has to be a joke." Mike said impatiently as he stared Death in the eyes.
"I mean it's not like we could make any room for you. YOU asked if there was any other place. Plus man, you didn't really do much in your life. You just kinda did the same routine. Oh well man. It's what ya get." Said Death scooting Mike into his office.
"Well.. I guess it isn't too* bad.." as Mike played with the roll of tape and sticky notes in the office | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | “Where am I? What happened?”
“Welcome to the afterlife. I regret to inform you that you died. You need not regret it yourself, because death is just a stop on life’s journey.”
“Am I in Heaven then? Or Hell? Maybe Purgatory?”
“There are no such places. This is all there is, and everyone comes here. I am your counsellor. I will explain everything to you.”
“You said this is a stop on a journey? It sounds like there is reincarnation then.”
“Of course there is. Why would you live a life on Earth and then just spend the rest of eternity in one place? Let me explain. As soon as you are rested, we are going to spend as long as you like reviewing your recent life. The limitations you lived under, your accomplishments, your mistakes, how the loved ones you left behind are likely to fare.”
“That’ll be tough.”
“Perhaps. But I find most people are comforted by what they learn.”
“What comes after that?”
“Ah, then comes the fun part! You decide what you’d like to accomplish in your next life. You’ll find, after the understanding you will develop in our review, that you won’t want something like being rich, or a movie star, or an artist or such. But you will be an artist in how you will shape your new life.”
“But it sounds like I’ll have a wide choice of possibilities.”
“Oh, very wide! Not literally infinite, but so many choices that it might as well be. It will take us a good long while to go through the ‘menu’ of possibilities. I think you will find it fun. Then you will go into what we call the ‘Baby Pool’ to await an opening that perfectly suits your objectives.”
“So I can choose my gender, my race, my country?”
“No. You can choose your gender (from hundreds!), your species, your planet, and your galaxy. I did say it will be a wide range of possibilities.”
| "And here it is Mike! Whatcha think? I decorated it myself" Death said with a low but belly-filled chuckle.
"What the *Hell is this?? This is just... what? A 6 foot by 10 foot office space? What even is this decoration? It's just a picture of you holding a cat similar to those weird portraits back in the 18th century. This has to be a joke." Mike said impatiently as he stared Death in the eyes.
"I mean it's not like we could make any room for you. YOU asked if there was any other place. Plus man, you didn't really do much in your life. You just kinda did the same routine. Oh well man. It's what ya get." Said Death scooting Mike into his office.
"Well.. I guess it isn't too* bad.." as Mike played with the roll of tape and sticky notes in the office | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | "HEY! YOU! Dead guy! Yeah, you. I've been waiting for you. It's time to head on to Cantala. Follow me." The barker said.
Steve was still confused. He instinctively knew he was dead, but then why was he in something that looked like a mall? "Don't I go to Heaven?"
"No no they full, you got pulled for Cantala. It's nice you'll like it." The barker said, pulling on Steve's arm.
A burly, bipedal creature with metal spines protruding from his back walks up. Steve was about to be afraid, but then he saw that the creature was wearing Mall Cops hat and was calmed. "Telnak....what I tell you about scamming the new dead?"
"HEYYY no scam here. He wanted Cantala! It's the growing after life! You can help-"
The burly creature just held up a hand...appendage? Steve decided it was a hand just for internal clarity. "I'm tired. Don't let me catch you again today or I won't be anymore."
Steve watched as Telnak just takes off.
"Sorry about that. You can call me Frank. You okay?" The bipedal creature asks.
"Um. I think so. I'm dead tho, right?" Steve asked Frank.
Frank nods. "What do you see?"
"It's a shopping mall. I thought I was supposed to be in heaven....or that other place." Steve was afraid that saying hell would banish him there.
"Shopping mall is close enough. You get to pick your afterlife. Heavens got the most publicity. Hells where you go when you fail to get into Heaven and No I don't know if you'll qualify. There are other options though and this is where you figure that out. I'm an alien by the way, in case you were confused." Frank says with his gruff voice but kind eyes. Steve was glad Frank was here.
"So....what are my options? If it's not a problem to ask." Steve asks awkwardly.
"You're polite. That's good." Frank points and theres an honest to goodness Mall Directory. "Two biggest options are Heaven/Hell and Reincarnation, located here and here respectively."
"Why is Reincarnation so much smaller?" Steve asks.
"Doesn't take as much paperwork or trouble. Mostly just saying 'I'd like another go please,' and that's that." Frank explains in simple terms.
"And that Cantala...stuff?"
"Your world have Amway?" Frank asks.
"The pyramid scheme?" Steve asks very confused now. Mostly because the alien knew about Amway.
Frank nodded. "Same thing but as an afterlife. You get three friends to join, then they get three friends to join yadda yadda yadda. I don't recommend it."
Steve really looked at the board. "Anich talks about adventure. That sounds good."
"Nice. Upside to that one is if it's not for you, you wind up back here pretty fast. If it is, you get your fill. I went with a new one, We-ternity. You earn it with occasional community service, thus me being here, but that helps you really appreciate it."
"What's it like?" Steve asks, feeling a strong connection to Frank already.
"It uses a new digital distribution afterlife model. You design an afterlife, for which you receive constructive criticism on, and then you spend a fifth of your time giving back and the rest either working on your afterlife and hosting other people or experiencing what others have made. It's growing quite well."
Steve nodded. That sounded nice. | "And here it is Mike! Whatcha think? I decorated it myself" Death said with a low but belly-filled chuckle.
"What the *Hell is this?? This is just... what? A 6 foot by 10 foot office space? What even is this decoration? It's just a picture of you holding a cat similar to those weird portraits back in the 18th century. This has to be a joke." Mike said impatiently as he stared Death in the eyes.
"I mean it's not like we could make any room for you. YOU asked if there was any other place. Plus man, you didn't really do much in your life. You just kinda did the same routine. Oh well man. It's what ya get." Said Death scooting Mike into his office.
"Well.. I guess it isn't too* bad.." as Mike played with the roll of tape and sticky notes in the office | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | The darkness, hollow and cold, was pierced by a sudden light that streaked away to infinity. With a wild gasp, Emily awoke. She blinked away tears, taking in her surroundings. A small yet luxurious office. She sat in a fine leather chair situated in front of a mahogany desk. The thin gentleman behind the desk had white hair, yet his face looked young. He looked up and smiled. “Ah, right on schedule, Ms. Nakahara,” he said in a calm, jovial voice.
“What is this place?” she asked. Emily’s eyes went wide, and she pressed a hand to her stomach. “Wait! I was...bleeding. What happened? Where’s my husband?”
The man across the desk cleared his throat. “There are several ways in which you and your husband differ, you know? He’s a man, you’re a woman. He likes Star Wars, you prefer Star Trek. He’s alive, you’re…”
She waited a few breaths. “Dead. You’re saying I’m dead. Cut the crap! What the hell kind of con is this?!”
“I understand, ma’am. Most people react this way. You must be terribly upset. I bet your pulse is skyrocketing right now.”
At that, she gained a sudden awareness. Her pulse was gone. She sank back down and took a few moments to compose herself. “Dead, huh?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Okay...well…” Emily’s eyes caught the placard on the desk. “Mr. Gray. Do I get to know which direction I’m going? Up or down?”
“Neither.”
“Wait, what?”
“You don’t meet the requirements for either Heaven or Hell, ma’am. Really, they’re both quite exclusive. They only seem prominent because they pay for the most ad space. Most people end up...here!” Gray gestured dramatically around the small room.
“...I’m stuck in this office?”
“Argh, no! Hold on…” He seemed to be pressing a button under his desk. Repeatedly. “Why won’t it...ah, there!” With a resounding clang, the walls and ceiling fell away.
Beyond was...everything.
A dark sky filled with stars, planets, and galaxies stretched off in every direction, including below. “Welcome to the Hub!” Gray declared.
Emily sank into her chair. The sheer expanse was daunting. “This is...amazing…”
Gray nodded and leaned forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face. “If you ask me, it’s a lot more interesting than those two ‘elite clubs’ you hear so much about.” He winked.
“So...what do I do here? Do I just...float? Forever?”
“Oh, no no no! What fun would that be?” Gray snapped his fingers. Emily found herself standing in what appeared to be a futuristic-looking train station.
She scanned some of the destination names on a board nearby. “Weather Control...Exploration...Chance...Godhood University...Dream Weaving...World Building...are these…”
“Just a handful of many zones in the Hub,” Gray finished. “Enough to keep you occupied for centuries. And if you ever get bored, well…” He pointed to another destination that read “Reincarnation Offices” in glowing letters.
Emily chuckled. “So...what is this one? Exploration?”
Gray smiled. “I had a feeling you’d be drawn to that.” He walked toward a large gateway and beckoned her to follow. The space within the massive door was like the surface of a shimmering lake. “It’s a portal,” the man explained.
“I figured as much. I’ve seen Stargate.”
They stepped through, and the two of them were floating in the middle of a starfield.
“Space again!” Emily noted.
“This time it’s the real thing. We’re being projected to the mortal plane.” Gray opened a starmap of the nearby stellar region. “You see, the gods, contrary to popular belief, are not *all*-knowing. Sure they’re experts in their own people and their own world. But out in the vastness of the cosmos, even the gods are in the dark. The Exploration division seeks to scout those unseen areas. We’ve already got a lot of personnel congregating in the Trappist system, but you’d be welcome to venture in any direction.”
“That’s incredible! You know...ever since I was a girl, I’ve always dreamed of exploring the unknown...but by the time I was born, most of Earth was already mapped.”
Gray nodded. “You always were the adventurous type.”
“Yeah. That’s why my husband and I were out in…” her voice trailed away. “He would have loved to see this.”
“It wasn’t his time.”
“Oh, I know...I want him to live his life to the fullest. And...I’ll be waiting for him. Even if it takes decades. Then we can go off exploring the universe. Together.”
“What if he finds someone else while you’re gone?” Gray asked.
Emily shuddered. “I...guess that’s possible. But it’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’ve got all the time in the universe, right?” She thought back to the train station. “There was a section called ‘Dream Weaving’, wasn’t there?”
“That’s correct.”
“...can I use it to say goodbye?”
After a moment, Gray put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.” The man summoned a portal back to the station, and they stepped through.
*****
*Edited for spelling/grammar.*
| *Ding!*
It’s cloudy again. Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll get some drizzle this afternoon.
*Ding! Ding!*
I like drizzle.
*Ding!*
I used to like thunderstorms too. I’d kill for a good thunderstorm. It might drown out that fucking-
*Ding!*
…noise. It drives me crazy, I swear to god. Things just haven’t been the same since our great cosmic overlord decided that capitalism was the next big thing. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in Heaven as it is on Earth - or something like that.
*Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!*
The problem is that They decided that services in exchange for money were too mortal for the afterlife. Instead, They chose to reinforce the moral apartheid and went for exchangeable morality points for our actions. Which I hear works just fine up in the Big Two: be a nice person in Heaven and you get points. Be a dick in Hell, points for you. It keeps the balance: the holy stay holy, and the damned stay damned.
The issues arise when you come to us. The Middlers. The lost and forgotten, stuck in no man’s land committing morally ambiguous acts everywhere you look. A melting pot of good, evil and everything in between. We get points if we’re good and points if we’re bad, and double points for all things ambivalent. And that means that fucking sound goes off every time anyone does anything at all: “you get a point - ding! - and you get a point - ding! - everyone gets a point!”
*Ding!*
But that’s not so bad, right? At least we’re all rich. We should be living like emperors, except-
*Ding!*
Do you know what happens when there’s too much currency in circulation?
*Ding!*
Inflation.
*Ding!*
Now, up here we don’t have to worry about food or rent. All-inclusive accommodation is a perk of being dead. But things that make being dead bearable? Crazy expensive.
*Ding! Ding! Ding!*
I’m saving up for a pair of earplugs. | |
[WP] Heaven and Hell are only so prevalent because they paid for Ad time. Tell me about one of the more obscure after-death locations. | "HEY! YOU! Dead guy! Yeah, you. I've been waiting for you. It's time to head on to Cantala. Follow me." The barker said.
Steve was still confused. He instinctively knew he was dead, but then why was he in something that looked like a mall? "Don't I go to Heaven?"
"No no they full, you got pulled for Cantala. It's nice you'll like it." The barker said, pulling on Steve's arm.
A burly, bipedal creature with metal spines protruding from his back walks up. Steve was about to be afraid, but then he saw that the creature was wearing Mall Cops hat and was calmed. "Telnak....what I tell you about scamming the new dead?"
"HEYYY no scam here. He wanted Cantala! It's the growing after life! You can help-"
The burly creature just held up a hand...appendage? Steve decided it was a hand just for internal clarity. "I'm tired. Don't let me catch you again today or I won't be anymore."
Steve watched as Telnak just takes off.
"Sorry about that. You can call me Frank. You okay?" The bipedal creature asks.
"Um. I think so. I'm dead tho, right?" Steve asked Frank.
Frank nods. "What do you see?"
"It's a shopping mall. I thought I was supposed to be in heaven....or that other place." Steve was afraid that saying hell would banish him there.
"Shopping mall is close enough. You get to pick your afterlife. Heavens got the most publicity. Hells where you go when you fail to get into Heaven and No I don't know if you'll qualify. There are other options though and this is where you figure that out. I'm an alien by the way, in case you were confused." Frank says with his gruff voice but kind eyes. Steve was glad Frank was here.
"So....what are my options? If it's not a problem to ask." Steve asks awkwardly.
"You're polite. That's good." Frank points and theres an honest to goodness Mall Directory. "Two biggest options are Heaven/Hell and Reincarnation, located here and here respectively."
"Why is Reincarnation so much smaller?" Steve asks.
"Doesn't take as much paperwork or trouble. Mostly just saying 'I'd like another go please,' and that's that." Frank explains in simple terms.
"And that Cantala...stuff?"
"Your world have Amway?" Frank asks.
"The pyramid scheme?" Steve asks very confused now. Mostly because the alien knew about Amway.
Frank nodded. "Same thing but as an afterlife. You get three friends to join, then they get three friends to join yadda yadda yadda. I don't recommend it."
Steve really looked at the board. "Anich talks about adventure. That sounds good."
"Nice. Upside to that one is if it's not for you, you wind up back here pretty fast. If it is, you get your fill. I went with a new one, We-ternity. You earn it with occasional community service, thus me being here, but that helps you really appreciate it."
"What's it like?" Steve asks, feeling a strong connection to Frank already.
"It uses a new digital distribution afterlife model. You design an afterlife, for which you receive constructive criticism on, and then you spend a fifth of your time giving back and the rest either working on your afterlife and hosting other people or experiencing what others have made. It's growing quite well."
Steve nodded. That sounded nice. | “Where am I? What happened?”
“Welcome to the afterlife. I regret to inform you that you died. You need not regret it yourself, because death is just a stop on life’s journey.”
“Am I in Heaven then? Or Hell? Maybe Purgatory?”
“There are no such places. This is all there is, and everyone comes here. I am your counsellor. I will explain everything to you.”
“You said this is a stop on a journey? It sounds like there is reincarnation then.”
“Of course there is. Why would you live a life on Earth and then just spend the rest of eternity in one place? Let me explain. As soon as you are rested, we are going to spend as long as you like reviewing your recent life. The limitations you lived under, your accomplishments, your mistakes, how the loved ones you left behind are likely to fare.”
“That’ll be tough.”
“Perhaps. But I find most people are comforted by what they learn.”
“What comes after that?”
“Ah, then comes the fun part! You decide what you’d like to accomplish in your next life. You’ll find, after the understanding you will develop in our review, that you won’t want something like being rich, or a movie star, or an artist or such. But you will be an artist in how you will shape your new life.”
“But it sounds like I’ll have a wide choice of possibilities.”
“Oh, very wide! Not literally infinite, but so many choices that it might as well be. It will take us a good long while to go through the ‘menu’ of possibilities. I think you will find it fun. Then you will go into what we call the ‘Baby Pool’ to await an opening that perfectly suits your objectives.”
“So I can choose my gender, my race, my country?”
“No. You can choose your gender (from hundreds!), your species, your planet, and your galaxy. I did say it will be a wide range of possibilities.”
| |
[WP] Two cannibals discuss going vegan for dinner. | "It just isn't doing it for me anymore, Jerry." Said Cal, letting out a deep sigh.
"Can't do what?" Jerry raised an eyebrow. Cal gently laid the sandwich down on his plate, with some of the questionable meat slathering over the pristine china. "I thought you liked sloppy Joe night?"
"Oh, I do," Cal responded, not taking his eyes off the meal. "It's just that...well, you know-"
"It was Margaret, wasn't it?"
"No, no that's not it..."
"Did she give you the bug? I knew she should have been sitting in the pot for an extra hour - it's going around, you know. The roast was a little undercooked, I'll say."
The room fell silent for a moment. Cal's eyes roamed off his sandwich and into his eyes, relunctantly swallowing the last bite of his now, unbearable dinner before opening his mouth to speak. "I mean *this*, Jerry. For once, I would like to have a nice meal that didn't involve-"
"Don't even say it."
"Will you let me finish?"
"What are you trying to say, Cal?" Jerry pestered from across the table, obviously becoming frustrated.
"What I've been saying for a few months! We've never consumed anything other than your 'fall-off-the-bone' ribs, or your so called 'upside-down brain sickle' cake; which by the way, isn't so original let alone bland."
"Hey, you take that back!" He yelled, slamming his fist on the table. "Do you want to know how hard it is to find a ripe one? Sometimes you don't know the kind of people you're dealing with - you might catch the crazies if you don't broil it long enough. Besides, who else in this entire planet eats brains like we do?"
"Zombies eat brains, Jer." Cal said to him, deadpan. Jerry leaned over the table to protest, but shut his mouth in exasperation and crossed his arms.
"Yeah, well can zombies cook a good meal? No, they can't. Because they are savages, that's why. Mindless savages - which is what you are starting to sound like right now." He grumbled a few more words under his breath.
After a moment of silence, Cal decides to speak up. "I'm just saying that we should have some variety in our meals, as all. It's just the same stuff with you, Jer. It wouldn't kill us to have something different every once in a while. We need something...or someone, different."
Jerry held in his breath, and let out a long sigh. He sat back in his dinner chair, putting his index finger and thumb up to his chin; gently stroking his goatee. Rays from the sun were beaming from the neglected windows of the old house they lived in unto the weathered wrinkles of his forehead. This prompted him to look out the window that revealed the humid, yet bright Summer day. That's when Jerry spotted her.
A blonde woman, whom looked to be around her late 20's, was keeping a tight grip on the leash that connected to her dog's collar as she jogged. Her bright pink jumpsuit was radiant enough to catch Jerry's attention. She seemed to have been out there a little bit, as beads of sweat glistened off her forehead and seemed to be going slower than the average jogger that ran these streets.
"Who's that?" He said, tilting his head up to her.
"That's Jennifer. She's a nutritionist from Rhode Island whom recently moved into the area not too long ago. I've talked to her before - hardcore vegetarian. She spent an entire 30 minutes into the conversation talking about a zuccini dish she made for her husband last month. No surprises there."
"A vegetarian, eh?" Suddenly, an idea clicked into his brain. He stood up from his chair and looked at Cal, menacingly. "Say, you said you would like some variety, right?"
"Yes?" Cal answered, questioning his motives.
"How would you like a nice salad to go with your meal?"
| Roasted liver with fava beans and Amarone. Exactly how my partner and I liked it.
I cut a small part of the meat with my knife, appraising the overall quality of the meat as I slowly chewed it in my mouth, letting all the rich flavors seep into my taste buds. My lips curled up into a satisfied smile - the liver had been cooked to perfection. I would expect nothing else from my wife, who had perfected the art of cooking such an exotic, delicate meat.
I looked up to compliment the chef, but for some reason my wife had barely touched her food. She was playing around with the beans, constantly picking one with a spoon and dropping it on the plate in a rather dramatic fashion. Feeling a bit worried, I questioned this odd behavior of hers.
"Honey, why aren't you eating the food?" I spoke as a bit of juice dribbled from one side of my lips. "It tastes like heaven, in case you were wondering."
A coy smile formed on her lips as I finished speaking, but her appetite still didn't return to her. "Nothing Brad... I was just wondering - no, never mind."
But it was too late; my curiosity had already been piqued. "Oh, come on Mary! Don't leave me hanging now!" I placed my hand over hers, gently squeezing in order to reassure my wife from whatever problems that were besieging her.
"Well... honey, have you ever thought of going vegan?"
------
The divorce had been finalized. My soon to be ex-wife was still sobbing, begging me to not leave. But it was impossible. Our lifestyles, which were once perfectly compatible, had been permanently put off balance ever since Mary'd dared to propose such a drastic change.
But I didn't even address her. To me, Mary was a fellow cannibal who realized the novelty of human meat. She was one of the few people who truly understood me and my... unique tastes.
That person was dead. And the person sobbing in front of me was... a *vegan*. Even saying the word caused me to convulse out of sheer disgust, and that was not a way I wanted to live the rest of my life.
This way, it would be better for the both of us. | |
[WP] One day, a woman runs up to you, giving you a container. She warns you to never open it under any circumstance. A few days later, she shows up, suprised that you have not opened it. | It was another muggy summer evening in Louisiana, which meant that Houston was slapping bugs all along his walk home. He felt one of those suckers bite his neck, and he gave it a quick slap while cursing the surrounding swamp lands.
Suddenly, he heard what sounded like a door being kicked open behind him, and the steady thumping of feet pounding sidewalk. A harried looking woman caught up to him, and blocked his path.
"Sir," she said, panting. "It is of the utmost importance that you hold on to this vial. Keep it secret. Under no circumstances should you open it." With that, she thrust a vial filled with a black liquid into Houston's hand, then took off running back the direction she came from.
Houston tucked the vial into his pocket along with his keys and cellphone, and continued walking home, slapping bugs all along the way.
Three days later, Houston was taking the same walk home, that walk being his daily route home from work. And, just like he had for the past several nights, he was busy slapping bugs. When he'd reached about the same point in his walk that he reached three days ago, he heard the same sound of a door being kicked open, followed by running feet. The same woman came into view.
"Do you still have it?"
"Do I have what, ma'am?" Houston replied in his usual, slow drawl.
"The vial I gave you, do you have it?"
"Oh, yes ma'am. I've got it right here." Houston dug into his pocket and produced the vial, still full of black liquid, its stopper untouched.
Her eyes widened at the sight of it. "You didn't open it, did you?"
"No ma'am."
"Weren't you even the least bit curious about what this is, or why I gave it to you?"
Houston thought about that for a moment. "No ma'am, I can't say that I was." He slapped another bug.
An evil grin worked its way across the woman's face. "Then it worked. Congratulations, sir, you have successfully been the first victim of my Curiosity Ray."
"That's nice ma'am."
"Yes, I see that it works all too well. My invention hits the victim with a ray that drains him of all curiosity. Now I'll be able to stop anyone from asking any questions as I take over the world!"
Houston nodded along with her. "That sounds like it'd be awful nice ma'am, but I'm not sure your invention worked."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Momma used to say my mind was like a hamster that fell off the wheel. Then it ate itself to death. Momma always had a way with words."
"So you're telling me you've always been like this?"
"Afraid so, ma'am."
"You useless fucking idiot! God damn you! That's it, get inside, I need to run more tests on you."
A bug landed on the woman's face. Houston slapped it. A bit harder than he meant to, apparently, because the woman toppled over sideways. She fell pretty funny, and her head hit the corner of the sidewalk. Burst open like an overripe cantaloupe. She made a horrible gurgling sound, but went limp pretty quickly.
"Are you alright ma'am?" Houston asked. He didn't hear a response. He stooped down and picked up the vial. "Don't worry, I'll keep it safe ma'am, just like you asked me to."
Houston stepped over the body and continued on his walk home, slapping bugs along the way.
*****
Read more of my prompt responses by subscribing to [Pubby's Creative Workshop](https://www.reddit.com/r/Pubby88). | I was looking at the oddly shaped wooden box. It had nice engravings, and was finely detailed. Quite pleasant to look at, all things considered.
I had received it nearly a week ago, from a strange woman. While I could not for the life of me remember anything about how she looked, I remembered her voice. Crystal clear, and trembling with trepidation.
"Do **not** open that box. Ever. No. Matter. What."
And with that she had vanished, and I was standing in the middle of the street with a box in my hands, and a confused expression on my face.
Returning home, I had placed it on the fireplace, and practically forgotten about it for the next 4 days. And that brings me to today.
I had nothing to do all day, so I resolved to finally clean up a bit. And of course that involved cleaning the fireplace and coming face-to-wood with the mysterious container. Placing a hand on it I mused over the thought of opening it. But after a minute or two, thought against it.
Something about the lady's voice had latched on to me in relation to the box. She had sounded scared. Fearful of the contents. Anxious.
***KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.***
The sudden knock snapped me out of my musings, and I headed for the door. Upon opening it, I was greeted by a stunning being, of practically inhuman beauty. The woman at my door had long, flowing hair that seemed to shift between auburn and deep brown. Her face of smooth, delicate contours, with an air of mystery to them. And her large eyes were the deepest blue, I'd ever seen.
Stunned, I could do nothing but stare.
"Hey! I'm Anesidora... the girl, who gave you the box. Remember me?" Her melodic, clear voice rang out and drew me back to reality.
Still unable to say a word, I nodded, with a polite smile. Her name however struck me as odd.
"Great! So uh... can I have it back?"
Regaining my ability to speak, I said yes, and invited her in. Leaving the woman by the door, I fetched the box, and brought it back to her.
She snatched it from my hands a bit too hastily, and ran her fingers over the engravings. I thought I saw her smirk triumphantly, but it vanished, when she touched the latch.
"You *didn't* open it..."
Oddly it sounded like a disappointed statement, rather than a question. I told her that I had thought about it, but since she herself had told me not to, I refrained from it.
"But weren't you even a bit curious? Not even to take a small peek?"
I answered that I simply had forgotten about the box, until today.
"Oh... I see..."
She undid the latch and opened the box herself.
And then I remembered - Anesidora. She, who sends gifts from below. | |
[WP] You are cursed. The only way you can survive is to get somebody different, every 24 hours, to meaningfully say to you, "I love you". | This time was different.
You become hardened to it after a while. The manipulation, the games. The guilt and the shame of it all get lost by the wayside in the midst of the maddening, desperate clamor to survive. To seduce.
You learn how to spot the right kind of bar, the kind that doesn't have girls who are looking for one night stands, but where you can still walk away with a one night stand. And once you're there, every minute counts. An "I love you" will tide you over for 24 hours, and if you waste time with the wrong girl, she can sign your death sentence. Once, I went home with a someone who later told me she knew she wanted me as soon as I walked in the door. As death approached and I confessed my love to her, she just smiled and softly laughed. I pulled my clothes back on and raced down to the bar beneath her apartment. The search started afresh, I locked eyes with someone shy, and that night I heard the incantation I needed with minutes to spare.
You say things, you do things, whatever you need - to survive. You do so until something changes. Maybe she is different. Maybe all of this has worn you down and changed you. Maybe you need a rest. Because when you finally play your card, a well-practiced and perfectly-intonated "I love you," she has fallen asleep. You raise your hand to gently squeeze her shoulder, to quietly wake your next bout of salvation, but you pause. Her eyes flicker about behind closed eyelids -- she dreams. And you decide that come what may, you can't bear to wake her up. You lay your head back on the pillow, and your own eyelids finally sink shut. | 24 Hours
Kissed by lady death herself
I need to be by myself
Give me time
But I don't have time on my side
I need twenty four hours
And maybe a hand full of flowers
Some meaningful words
To end all of this hurt
Try my hardest to get someone to say
They love me
Or else I will surely die
Every twenty four hours
Or the end will devour
My flesh from my bones
And my words will be hollow
I can't live this way
Day to day
It's killing me to be this way
Love is love
As fire is fire
There is nothing special about me
Only that I'm doomed to die on my knees
Right before Death herself
Imagine trying to get someone to love you
In twenty four hours
| |
[WP] You are cursed. The only way you can survive is to get somebody different, every 24 hours, to meaningfully say to you, "I love you". | Immediately, I knew what I had to do. After rummaging through some dusty boxes of abandoned projects, I found the one I knew I had to complete.
Locked in the basement, I get to work. The rising sun beams through the slits of the closed blinds. It gets bright. Dimmer. Dimmer. Darkness. When that sun comes back up, I need to be prepared. Finally, in a rush of assembly, I hold my creation up to the fluorescent white light, and I could have sworn it glinted. I burst out the basement door. My dog was camping outside of the door, waiting for its walk. Moment of truth. I wake him up, and put his new collar on. I ask, mustering up the most excited voice I can manage for the hour, "do you want to go for a walk?" A couple barks. Static. And then the collar produced his response. "Yes! YEs! ohmygoshohmygosh I love you!!!"
I slept in the next morning, then spent all of the next day playing with my dog that I love so much. Well, between inventing the most amazing machine of the 21st century and finally being able to talk to my dog, I reread the fine print of the curse and realized it said someone different had to say it every 24 hours. Do I roll over and accept my fate? No. Do I try my hand at more conventional romance? No. Every day, I go to the shelter with a collar, a tennis ball, and my best dog voice. Woof, woof. | 24 Hours
Kissed by lady death herself
I need to be by myself
Give me time
But I don't have time on my side
I need twenty four hours
And maybe a hand full of flowers
Some meaningful words
To end all of this hurt
Try my hardest to get someone to say
They love me
Or else I will surely die
Every twenty four hours
Or the end will devour
My flesh from my bones
And my words will be hollow
I can't live this way
Day to day
It's killing me to be this way
Love is love
As fire is fire
There is nothing special about me
Only that I'm doomed to die on my knees
Right before Death herself
Imagine trying to get someone to love you
In twenty four hours
| |
[WP] You are cursed. The only way you can survive is to get somebody different, every 24 hours, to meaningfully say to you, "I love you". | I don't like being the center of attention. I resent being more of an ideal rather than a person. I am bitter and angry, but more so, I am cursed. A little over two years ago, I was at a party. At this particular party, my simple existence caught the attention of this...guy? Demon? To this day, I don't exactly know what or who he is. What I do know is, is that he's the typical asshat who can't handle a "no" from a girl. He approached me, made menial conversation, then followed me out into the backyard. He made his move under a gnat filled porch light, and I batted him away like one of the little gnats flying around my head. He didn't like that, and told me so. He said that I was "stuck up and probably a slut anyway." Then followed up that brilliant line with, "My mistake for thinking that I could throw a dog a bone". Then he jibberjabbered some nonsense and an inky, black cloud came out of his fingers and into my chest. The last thing he said to me was, "Love is fickle, love is pain, good luck bitch, now love's our game." Then he--POOF--disappeared.
The following day, I felt like my insides would rip apart. As day turned to night, the pain increased. It wasn't until my blessed mother called to tell me that she loved me, that I knew I might be okay. The instant relief I felt at those words were the first clue I had. The next day, when I felt sick again, my moms words of love didn't help. Luckily, my friend came to visit me, and as she was leaving my place she told me she loved me. Again, instant relief. It didn't take long for me to figure out what to do.
My solution? Well, it's been two years since I started making Youtube videos. It only took about four months for me gain the traction I needed for a loyal fan base. My life has completely changed. I take an embarrassing amount of time to make sure I look pretty enough for everyone. I wear low cut shirts and whiten my teeth. I read up on pop culture that I don't care about. I watch other Youtubers, making sure that I am relevant and people care. I get my cursed I love you's by offering to video chat with the fans that leave comments, and will continue to do so until one of them tells me about how they love me and my videos. It hasn't failed me yet, but there's always the lingering fear of when it will.
| "Neal or Garrett..." I muse under my breath, hovering my thumb over the two names on my phone. I've been with Garrett longer. We are three months now - Neal is only two and half. But, Jesus, has Neal been easy. The poor guy's such a sap. I tap Neal's name and type,
"Morning! :D Hey, are you free after work? I really wanna hang out! :)"
Send.
Great, that oughta do it. Then I tap Garrett.
"You're the worst snapchat buddy :P"
Quietly, I lean off the edge of the bed to fish my planner out of my purse. Could I get Garrett tomorrow? He might have to be rescheduled. I scan the list of names. I tap my pen against my lips and turn the pages; a small familiar fear begins to creep up. What if I can't get anyone tomorrow? You know, I could bump up this Steven guy if I try calling him early today and ignoring him until tomorrow. Eh, a text will do.
"Hey cutie! I had the BEST dream last night."
Send.
I flip forward a few months. Sheesh. Looking sparse. I need to go out this weekend to set things up. I can probably pencil Rob in here - wait. Now, did I sleep with Rob Tuesday? Or was that David? Ugh, I should have written it down *right* after. Yes, it was definitely Rob. I flip back and scribble this under Tuesday. My eyes travel across the page and my heart jumps into my throat. Yesterday was March 10th. I totally missed it this year. Not that I do anything for Daniel's birthday anymore. We haven't spoken since the curse screwed everything up. Turns out, it's really hard to stay engaged when you're juggling so many romantic partners. He wasn't very understanding.
"Hey," says a sleepy voice from under the comforter. Lila pokes her messy brunette head from the covers and looks up at me with dreamy doe eyes, "I love you." She smiles.
I sigh in relief and lean down to kiss her forehead, "Lila, I can't do this." I hop out of bed and pull my dress back over my head, avoiding looking at her.
"But," she starts.
"I'm sorry, just hearing you say that. I'm not there. I'll text you later, okay?"
I step out of the front door, a huge grin on my face and look down at my phone:
Steven: "Oh really? Do tell."
Garrett: "I've been busy! :D"
Neal: "Absolutely. Drinks at the usual?"
I tap Neal,
"Shoot, sorry, something came up. Raincheck for tomorrow?"
Send. | |
[WP] You are cursed. The only way you can survive is to get somebody different, every 24 hours, to meaningfully say to you, "I love you". | In the suit, they couldn't see. In the suit, they couldn't know. The suit's unwavering, cheerful smile and bright, disarming eyes hid the cloying darkness beneath. No one need ever know or suspect the turmoil hidden under the brightly colored fabric. No one. All he had to do was sing and dance, hidden within his fabric cocoon, his merry, jovial shroud. Sing, and dance, and hug, and *wait*... Wait for the song, almost like a hymn, a prayer, a dirge... Granting him yet another opportunity to play the same song and dance again tomorrow. A mummer's farce of a life, but the only way to keep living, hiding in the depths of his character, waiting and living only for the lilting, hopeful notes of the song.
'I love you,
You love me,
We're a happy family!
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?' | "Neal or Garrett..." I muse under my breath, hovering my thumb over the two names on my phone. I've been with Garrett longer. We are three months now - Neal is only two and half. But, Jesus, has Neal been easy. The poor guy's such a sap. I tap Neal's name and type,
"Morning! :D Hey, are you free after work? I really wanna hang out! :)"
Send.
Great, that oughta do it. Then I tap Garrett.
"You're the worst snapchat buddy :P"
Quietly, I lean off the edge of the bed to fish my planner out of my purse. Could I get Garrett tomorrow? He might have to be rescheduled. I scan the list of names. I tap my pen against my lips and turn the pages; a small familiar fear begins to creep up. What if I can't get anyone tomorrow? You know, I could bump up this Steven guy if I try calling him early today and ignoring him until tomorrow. Eh, a text will do.
"Hey cutie! I had the BEST dream last night."
Send.
I flip forward a few months. Sheesh. Looking sparse. I need to go out this weekend to set things up. I can probably pencil Rob in here - wait. Now, did I sleep with Rob Tuesday? Or was that David? Ugh, I should have written it down *right* after. Yes, it was definitely Rob. I flip back and scribble this under Tuesday. My eyes travel across the page and my heart jumps into my throat. Yesterday was March 10th. I totally missed it this year. Not that I do anything for Daniel's birthday anymore. We haven't spoken since the curse screwed everything up. Turns out, it's really hard to stay engaged when you're juggling so many romantic partners. He wasn't very understanding.
"Hey," says a sleepy voice from under the comforter. Lila pokes her messy brunette head from the covers and looks up at me with dreamy doe eyes, "I love you." She smiles.
I sigh in relief and lean down to kiss her forehead, "Lila, I can't do this." I hop out of bed and pull my dress back over my head, avoiding looking at her.
"But," she starts.
"I'm sorry, just hearing you say that. I'm not there. I'll text you later, okay?"
I step out of the front door, a huge grin on my face and look down at my phone:
Steven: "Oh really? Do tell."
Garrett: "I've been busy! :D"
Neal: "Absolutely. Drinks at the usual?"
I tap Neal,
"Shoot, sorry, something came up. Raincheck for tomorrow?"
Send. | |
[WP] You are cursed. The only way you can survive is to get somebody different, every 24 hours, to meaningfully say to you, "I love you". | In the suit, they couldn't see. In the suit, they couldn't know. The suit's unwavering, cheerful smile and bright, disarming eyes hid the cloying darkness beneath. No one need ever know or suspect the turmoil hidden under the brightly colored fabric. No one. All he had to do was sing and dance, hidden within his fabric cocoon, his merry, jovial shroud. Sing, and dance, and hug, and *wait*... Wait for the song, almost like a hymn, a prayer, a dirge... Granting him yet another opportunity to play the same song and dance again tomorrow. A mummer's farce of a life, but the only way to keep living, hiding in the depths of his character, waiting and living only for the lilting, hopeful notes of the song.
'I love you,
You love me,
We're a happy family!
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?' | I don't like being the center of attention. I resent being more of an ideal rather than a person. I am bitter and angry, but more so, I am cursed. A little over two years ago, I was at a party. At this particular party, my simple existence caught the attention of this...guy? Demon? To this day, I don't exactly know what or who he is. What I do know is, is that he's the typical asshat who can't handle a "no" from a girl. He approached me, made menial conversation, then followed me out into the backyard. He made his move under a gnat filled porch light, and I batted him away like one of the little gnats flying around my head. He didn't like that, and told me so. He said that I was "stuck up and probably a slut anyway." Then followed up that brilliant line with, "My mistake for thinking that I could throw a dog a bone". Then he jibberjabbered some nonsense and an inky, black cloud came out of his fingers and into my chest. The last thing he said to me was, "Love is fickle, love is pain, good luck bitch, now love's our game." Then he--POOF--disappeared.
The following day, I felt like my insides would rip apart. As day turned to night, the pain increased. It wasn't until my blessed mother called to tell me that she loved me, that I knew I might be okay. The instant relief I felt at those words were the first clue I had. The next day, when I felt sick again, my moms words of love didn't help. Luckily, my friend came to visit me, and as she was leaving my place she told me she loved me. Again, instant relief. It didn't take long for me to figure out what to do.
My solution? Well, it's been two years since I started making Youtube videos. It only took about four months for me gain the traction I needed for a loyal fan base. My life has completely changed. I take an embarrassing amount of time to make sure I look pretty enough for everyone. I wear low cut shirts and whiten my teeth. I read up on pop culture that I don't care about. I watch other Youtubers, making sure that I am relevant and people care. I get my cursed I love you's by offering to video chat with the fans that leave comments, and will continue to do so until one of them tells me about how they love me and my videos. It hasn't failed me yet, but there's always the lingering fear of when it will.
| |
[WP] "Would you like fries with that?" He said with a grin. In that moment I knew... I had lost. | *BANG* The sound of the front door slamming jolted me awake, dark and unseeing I hastily rubbed my eyes. I look around aimlessly as my eyes struggled to adjust to the dark, using my elbows to prop myself up I whisper "Jake did you hear that!?"
Hearing no response I reach over to wake him...only to find empty space. 'What the...?' My mind quickly ran through possible scenarios as I quickly turned on the lamp beside our bed. '3:52 AM...What in the actual hell?'
Panic quickly filled my system has my heart raced more and more by the second. I threw the covers to the side and raced to get my slippers on, as I scampered outside of the bedroom I shouted "JAKE??!!" Shit..this can't be happening...not again. I bolted down the stairs almost afraid of what I will see...or rather what I won't see, 'please be there, please be there, god please!'
Something flickers across my peripheral vision, I stop dead in my tracks. "Jake? Honey is that you?" barely above a whisper but I knew he heard me. I turn to the side and I see him, the moonlight lighting up his pale face. His piercing blue eyes glowed like moonlight on polished stone, half-lidded and unseeing. The standoff was more than I could handle, I collapse onto the floor beneath me. "Oh god Jake, wake up!" I absent-mindedly rubbed my hand protectively over my baby bump.
The distinct metallic blood and the pungent smell of antiseptic swarmed my senses as I think back to the last time Jake had one of his sleep walking episodes. The deafening whirl of ambulance sirens still fresh in my mind, I shakily reach out my hand "Please Jake, wake up" The tears come out unrestrained, my vision blurred and breaths came in between ragged sobs. Scared and oblivious to what I should do, I wiped my eyes when suddenly "Hey Angela, come'on don't cry."
Soft and velvety smooth, I calmed down noticeably. Still teary eyed I looked up to see his rugged features looking cautiously at me. "m'sorry I made you worry again" his hands rubbed the back of his head with a small smile, he flashed his teeth at me and came in for a hug. I let out a long sigh of satisfaction with all the fear and panic in my system flushed out in an instant, I embrace him with all my being. "Jake, I was so scared, when I heard the door slam I thought 'what if he was...was...'"
"sleepwalking on the road?" With an apologetic smile, he looked down and kissed my forehead. "I'll always be here ok? I still need to protect you AND our baby." His smile was smug as he pointed animatedly towards my growing stomach.
*Grooowl* My face instantly flushed red like a tomato. With a hearty laugh he patted my stomach and said "worked up an appetite while looking for me? Are you gonna make me go get you one of your 'delicious tuna-ham-apple-avocado-parsley-garlic-honey-egg sandwiches' again? I swear those cravings aren't normal!"
"S-Shuddup, go get me 2 of "Jake's specialty panty dropping bbq cheese burgers"
He looked at me curiously, "its been what...4 years?" Then he chuckled and whispered next to me ear: "Would you like fries with that?" a completely satisfied smile lit up his face.
I nostalgically think back to the new years party 4 years ago...and the promise I made with my best friend Christie. Spiked up with an overwhelming amount of liquid confidence she said "I bet you're gonna get laid tonight!" My face scrunched up in disgust "Nu-uhn! what do you think I am...easy? That's a bet, you'll owe me that new album the moment after countdown." Satisfied with our deal we parted ways. I inwardly chanted to myself 'DONT LOOK AT GUYS, DONT LOOK AT GUYS, DONT LOOK AT GUYS' but then I saw *him* he grinned gesturing towards his labeled **Jake's Panty dropping bqq cheese burgers** Looking charming with his ruffled bed head...We locked eyes and without warning: "Would you like fries with that?" He said with a smug grin. In that moment I knew I had lost.
*Please be gentle, this is my first time writing!! :/ tell me how I did, please and thank you!* | "Dude come on, I'm on a diet."
"But there only 99 cents. Large fry. One time only."
"It's been going so well, I've lost 5 pounds; I've got a good thing going here."
"Sam, you know you want them. I mean look at these babies. Fresh from the fryer. Boiled in peanut oil. Dosed with fresh seat salt. Piping hot too."
"I can't dude.."
"Sam, I'm offering you a FREE BURGER with a LARGE fry for practically peanuts here. Look at the this piping hot burger with onions, pickels, and melted cheese. It's your favorite. One little cheat day can't hurt."
"Ugghh-fine." I say relunctantly. I pull out my leather wallet and reach for the green paper inside. I glance at his face, smug wouldn't even describe what emotion he expressed. It was something far greater. Like the pride of the devil himself. The cashier looked at the green paper and smiled.
"Would you like fries with that?" He said with a grin. In that moment I knew...I had lost. I solemnly nodded, and he took the green paper, printing the receipt.
"Thank you for your purchase." He said taunting me, and turned towards his crew behind him.
"That! Ladies and Gentlemen is how you make a sale!" The crowd behind him mocks me in laughter. Their lips howl in delight and bellies look like drums. In a few minutes, my order is complete. I look at the meal with disgust.
"Have a nice day." The cashier gloats with his smile gleaming. I nod at him and put an oily, hot, salty fry in my mouth; my diet completely ruined. | |
[WP] You thought you were the Chosen One. However, the prophecy refers to the child of your father, which you have learned that you are not. That means, somewhere, you have an older pseudo-sibling who is the true Chosen One. | The lanky scholar smacked against the ground again, lip split and nose bleeding. Irene dug her practice sword into the ground and leaned against it, looming over Gregory. "Get up. We're going to do it again," she snarled.
Greg rolled over, wiping at his nose, trying to get the bleeding to stop. He stood up on shaking legs. Irene immediately knocked him back down by sweeping his feet from under him. He crumpled with a whimper.
Ava ran out and put her hands on Irene's shoulder, "He's done! It's enough!"
Irene drew herself up and stared down her nose at the smaller woman. "Do you think the Dark One will stop?"
The other woman shoved Irene hard, not moving her at all. "You're not the Dark One, Irene." Ava turned, leaning down to help Greg to his feet. Irene walked off, back into the castle.
Greg tried to wipe the blood from his face again with shaking hands. "She's right," he groaned.
Ava shook her head and pulled one of Greg's arms over her shoulders. She helped him limp towards the medical ward. "She's being an ass. Just because she's not the Chosen One," Ava trailed off.
He shook his head again. "She trained her whole life for this. Centuries of breeding, only for the king to take his chances with the kitchen maids?" Greg may not have ever known either of his parents or much about fighting until recently, but he'd studied the Arcane Royalty for most of his life. The king's indiscretions infuriated him on an academic level. Though, obviously, he wouldn't be alive without them.
The woman next to him sighed. "It doesn't matter. She needs to train you, not take her anger out on you. It won't help if she cripples you before you even have a chance to face the Dark One," Ava sounded adamant. Greg was glad she was looking out for him, even if it felt misplaced.
He sat heavily on the medical cot. Ava stepped back as the healer wordlessly began treating him. Likely, the man had seen Greg's beating due to the proximity to the training grounds.
Once Greg was properly salved and bandaged, he limped his way back to the training grounds with Ava worriedly trailing him. "Can we spar, Ava?" He turned to face her with a training sword.
Ava simply plucked another sword from the rack, knowing she would not talk him into rest. Greg was trying to throw his all into the Chosen One as much as he threw himself into his academic pursuits.
Irene watched from the sidelines as her father approached. The king watched the fight for a moment before addressing his daughter, "How is he coming?"
"Poorly," it was a simple reply for a simple question.
The king cleared his throat. "Perhaps his strategic skills are best put in a tent, not on the field?"
Irene turned to glare at her father. "The Chosen One must be the hand that slays him. We know the prophecy." They still hadn't fought about the discovery of her half-sibling. Her mother's vacation to the southern palace told Irene they'd fought spectacularly. After all, Gregory and Irene shared the same birthday and were the same age.
"Perhaps," the king began, "it is a metaphorical hand." Irene rolled her eyes. The king cleared his throat again. "I have been informed that your brother Noah has finally arrived."
Irene nearly saw red, "My what?!" She refused to turn, to let him see.
"He was raised as a lord in the east. Adopted son. He is the last, I swear to you, but it can be no coincidence I had three children on the same day," his voice had a pleading edge, but Irene began to walk away. The king clasped and unclasped his hands in front of himself. He turned to watch one child he had given up fight, as another he had abandoned approached from the hall. They suffered for his choices and he would live with that. Even if she was not the Chosen One, he had chosen her. | "What?" I asked, my mind grinding to a halt. "What did you just say?" My hand grasped for my sword out of reflex, my instincts screaming a fight was coming soon.
The cleric looked down at me. A solemn look marred his normally jovial face. "I am sorry, Child, but the portents do not lie," Bolvand said. "You are not the Chosen One, but it is another."
Everything began to feel far away. "I... I can't... I have trained my whole life for this!" I heard my voice say. It all seemed like this had to have been happening to someone else. "Endless hours in the drill field and temple, training and studying warfare and combat! I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!"
A tear fell from the old man's wrinkled cheek and spattered against the temple's marble. "I understand. We all thought it was to be you as well, but the prophecy simply stated-"
"I KNOW WHAT THE PROPHECY STATED!" I roared. "MY FATHER'S CHILD WAS TO BE THE CHOSEN ONE! I KNOW THE GODS' DAMNED PROPHECY!"
"Please, calm down and think. I am sure there is a simple solution to all of this."
Fingers of ice snaked their way into my chest, and I fell to my knees. "This means," I whispered. "This means I am not my father's son." My stomach roiled. "I... I can't..." My breathing grew rapid. "I..."
I heaved soundlessly against the cold stone floor. Only a small amount of yellow spattered against the white and gray stones. They wouldn't let you eat a day before the ritual. *I don't understand.*
"The day your father came to us, the prophecy was given by the High Priest Ozuel himself," Bolvand said. "I tried to save his life, but he kept insisting that we care for his child. He was carrying you with him. I've told you this story before."
I shuddered and slowly rose to my feet. "I know."
"The confusion then lies with that moment." Bolvand turned to the three other clerics who were in assembly. "We must find his child."
"Yes," they agreed and began to turn.
"I'll do it." All four men turned back to me, and I lifted my chin. "I will find my fath- Cedrik's child."
"I'm not certain that is a good idea, Dain." Cleric Bolvand put his hand on my shoulder. "Others should undertake this duty. You shouldn't feel the need-"
"Who better?" I asked, staring into this blue eyes. "Who better than me? I am the best in this country with a sword, none can best me in games of wit, and I have ample experience in the wilds. None but I can do this."
"I don't-" Bolvand began, but he was cut off by a throat clearing.
"Then let it be so," a voice like withered parchment whispered. "Go Dain, and find the one to save us from Hell itself."
"High Priest! I must object," Bolvand shouted.
The High Priest stepped down from the pulpit, his bony hands and face making him appear wraith-like in the sun-bathed interior of the temple. "It must be, Cleric Bolvand." High Priest Ozuel faced me. "Now, gather your things and go. All your provisions were already laid out. Find the one we need, and bring him back."
I nodded and turned, by white cloak billowing out behind me. *I used to be the one they needed,* I thought. *But now... I am but a tool to find him.* |
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